#I saw a post on twitter and today seemed like a good day to reflect on thatcher x

[28whitepeonies]

Happy Valentines everyone xoxo

[mitano-omori]

SUNKEL WEEK: Day 2

This is definitely a little late, but... For SunKel week (on Twitter and Instagram), I'll be posting some oneshots for our Mitaño Mod!! These writing snippets are canon events for our mod, it's just typically behind the scenes! Eventually, I'll be posting these oneshots to an ao3 fic to keep them all together, but for now... They're here!!

Anyway, Day 2: MISCHIEF / ERRANDS

When Kel agreed to spend the day outside with Sunny, this wasn’t what he had in mind. Roped into doing work… Weren’t they supposed to be searching for Aubrey’s sketchbook? Well, it seemed Sunny’s manager wouldn’t take no for an answer, so Kel soon found himself working part-time for Gino’s today.

They even found a uniform that fit him. Go figure.

Kel examined his reflection in the bathroom mirror, adjusting the dumb hat—or visor as they called it—and grimacing at the uniform they were making him wear. He doesn’t even work here! And besides, do you really need an apron to deliver pizzas..?? Kel immediately felt bad for Sunny knowing that he had to work here over the summer. The management was clearly…weird.

With a sigh, Kel stepped out of the bathroom and saw Sunny—who was already wearing a matching uniform and apron, albeit a smaller size—being handed a large stack of pizzas. Alright, maybe it was a good thing he was helping Sunny with these deliveries… There was a lot to do.

Kel and Sunny originally went to Gino’s in the hope of finding someone who could tell them Basil’s whereabouts—to Sunny’s obvious displeasure—but the two of them got stopped by Sunny’s manager. Apparently, Kel’s silent childhood friend now worked at Gino’s part-time, usually as a delivery boy. Today was supposed to be Sunny’s day off, but the guy who was supposed to be working today never showed up. Yayyyy...

Sunny didn’t want to leave Kel—he clearly just didn’t want him to turn around and go back home, even Kel could see that—so somehow the two got roped into doing this together. Well, at least Kel was promised a whole pizza for this... And twenty dollars!

The two teens made their way outside the restaurant. Kel followed Sunny as the shorter of the two walked toward a red bicycle with an obvious Gino's basket in the back. There was only one bike. There was only one seat.

"Sooo... How are we gonna do this?" Kel finally asked as he looked over at the shorter teen. Sunny was quiet for a moment, clearly contemplating. Maybe this means I can get out of work... Kel thought to himself.

After packing the pizza boxes in the bike's basket, Sunny seemed to test the stability of the container attached to the bike. Wait, he's not actually thinking... But before Kel could even finish the thought, Sunny turned to him and spoke--something Kel was still getting used to.

"I can sit on the basket if you drive the bike," Sunny offered. Although it clearly wasn't the best idea, it was the only one they had. And Kel clearly couldn't be the one on the basket--he was much too tall for that.

Without a better idea to suggest, Kel sighed and nodded. "Okay... Sure." He didn't love the idea of being the one to peddle, but it wasn't like he didn't exercise at all back at his house. He tried it for a while, actually--it didn't help.

So, the two of them boarded the bike, Kel getting on first so the bicycle would be a bit more stable for Sunny to climb onto. Well, here goes nothing...

~ ~ ~

"Where are the houses again..??" Kel asked after a bit of peddling. They reached the neighborhood intersection without any word from Sunny about where to go after this. Kel stopped the bike on the sidewalk and turned his head to look at Sunny for instructions.

"He...doesn't tell me." What? "They don't ask for addresses at Gino's. They have regulars, and I know where some of them live. But most of these are new."

Kel gave him a dumbfounded look. "Okay... So how do we deliver pizzas if we don't know where to deliver them to??"

Sunny held up a few crumbled pieces of lined paper. "He writes descriptions," was the answer.

Kel took one of the papers. As his dark eyes scanned the sheet, his face twisted into a look of confusion. What the hell..?? Kel had the worst handwriting out of everyone he knew, but even he had no idea what the heck any of this said. He then looked back at Sunny, hoping for some sort of explanation, but was met with that same blank expression he knew as a kid. Now that I think about it, Sunny's face has barely changed since we were kids...

Kel pushed the thought away. Could he not go one second without his thoughts getting derailed by something completely random??

"Sooo... What do we do now?" Kel asked as he handed Sunny back the paper. God, he was getting tired just thinking about this...

"I know the streets," Sunny then told him. "Just not the houses." Why didn't Sunny mention that before..?? Instead of being annoyed with that, Kel strangely found it a bit amusing. Sunny really hasn't changed much, has he? Still so blunt, still keeping to himself unless he had no choice but to speak up.

In a way, it was almost...grounding. Even after all this time, Sunny was the same Sunny he knew, more or less. It had a stabilizing effect on Kel.

"Okay, just tell me where to go," Kel replied, still having to force his smile a bit as he started up on the bike again. Sunny proceeded to tell him the street of the first house, and when Kel couldn't remember where that was, he started to give him directions. The sooner they could get this done, the sooner they could find Basil and get back Aubrey's sketchbook.

So, Kel started to book it.

How long has it been since he last rode a bicycle..?? It must have been over four years ago, but the process came naturally to him. He started to work a steady cycle with the pedals, and once he had gotten used to it again, he went faster. Faster, faster, faster... And he kind of liked it. The wind whipping through his hair, pulling loose strands out of his ponytail and blowing against his skin...

Kel was pulled from his thoughts when he felt a pair of arms wrap tightly around his torso from behind. The corner of his lips twitched just slightly--he must be going a bit too fast for Sunny. But he liked this speed. He couldn't remember the last time he did something he genuinely enjoyed... So, instead of slowing down, he picked up speed. Sunny held tighter. Kel let out a fragment of a laugh.

And once they reached the street, the cycle went on. Sunny would tell him where to go, Kel would speed across the concrete on the bicycle, the two would puzzle over these ridiculous directions, Sunny would brave the delivery while Kel hoped they were correct about which house it was... And then, they'd move on to the next place.

When was the last time chores were fun? When was the last time Kel enjoyed himself while awake? He didn't know the answer, but somehow, Kel eventually found that he didn't mind this task. Maybe it was partially Sunny's company, maybe it was the fresh air.

Whatever was the cause, Kel felt... Good.

But he knew that wouldn't last forever.

[idontknowyetillchangeitlater]

June 10th

Okay so for the past couple of days I've been feeling like drained and horrible. I assumed it was because I just didn't like my job (which I still think it's true and I think then when I felt hopeless last weekend that I should take it as a sign to quit. I saw this video of this girl saying that if something gives you stress or doesn't make you feel good you should detach yourself from it. Example: Move out, Quit etc.) But anyways the point is that today obviously I was lowkey feeling the same and just felt so bummed out, but then I thought the world is a reflection of my thoughts. So how I see life is basically what I think or whatever. So I'm like why not change my perspective or try to change things or do things differently instead of being upset at said thing. Nothing will change if I don't change like damn, I don't know why I didn't think of it like that before. Anyways, yeah I'm gonna def apply to places, and def quit before my birthday which is in a month.

(It's kinda funny, cause this literally applies to anything. Like if I want to be better at drawing I cant' just stop drawing and assume I'll be good. I have to keep practicing and get out of my comfort zone, especially if I want to improve. like damn idk.)

My parents got a dog, which is fine, but I feel like they didn't think about how this might stress out the cats. This isn't even a small dog , its gonna grow and I don't feel like my cats will feel comfortable anymore. ( she keeps jumping on me and she stained my work pants. I'm not a huge fan of dogs not gonna lie. )

Anyways, today was a pretty good day. I feel like the last two hours of my shift really helped me think differently. Life isn't as bad as it seems. If you think something is bad, its' gonna be bad like.

(this is a long post lmaooooo anyways, touya keeps popping up on my twitter and literally can't stop thinking about him its crazy.)

[bizarrequazar]

GJ and ZZH Updates — July 24-30

<<< previous week || all posts || following week >>>

This is part of a weekly series collecting updates from and relating to Gong Jun and Zhang Zhehan.

This post is not wholly comprehensive and is intended as an overview, links provided lead to further details. Dates are in accordance with China Standard Time, the organization is chronological. My own biases on some things are reflected here. Anything I include that is not concretely known is indicated as such, and you’re welcome to do your own research and draw your own conclusions as you see fit. Please let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or additions. :)

[Glossary of names and terms] [Masterlist of my posts about the situation with Zhang Zhehan]

07-24 → Hunan Satellite posted a preview for the episode of Back to Field that would air on 07-29, which Gong Jun briefly guest appeared on. Fan Observation: Gong Jun wore pajamas by BEAST that have a little French bulldog on them.  Addition 08-22: The blanket seems to be his own, as the same one was visible in the background of a vlog he did while filming Word of Honor.

→ #ProtectZZH trended, the hashtag having been made by Instagram-believers.

→ QuelleVous made a post showing evidence that another Weibo account showing support for the Instagram / brand is actually someone with professional connections to CAPA. 

People / accounts promoting the Instagram / brand who by this point are known to have professional connections to CAPA:  1.  Xie Yihua  2.  Sophie   3.  Lao Ahyi  4.  Umbrella  5.  Li Tianshi  6.  Lu Hejing  7.  Zhou Yan Is that enough to show it’s not a coincidence?

→ Efforts rose on Twitter to increase discussion about CAPA since they can’t stop us on international sites. CAPA trended.

→ Dragon TV posted a group promo image for Go Fighting! episode 5. They later posted solo promo images as well. 

→ The Instagram posted five photos of “Zhang Zhehan” working out that look different enough from him that I started laughing when I saw them. Caption: “Good morning 🌅 good afternoon ☀️ good evening 🌠”

→ Bluebird posted a thread discussing the narrative spread over the previous few days claiming that skeptics were saying the recent Zhang Sanjian videos are holograms. 

→ 361° posted a douyin where someone is pinched by a crab, then the transition makes it look like the crab is being stepped on. (Xie Yihua is referred to as a crab by those who don’t believe the brand.) 

→ Gong Jun posted six photos of himself from Go Fighting! episode 5. Caption: “Shallowly guess my true identity 😎” Fan Observations: There has been a trend I was not aware of where Gong Jun has been frequently including 浅 (shallow) on personal posts since 05-21, I’ve gone back and added these in. There’s a half-joking theory based off “nine shallow, one deep” that something will happen after the ninth one. From what I was able to find, this is the eighth altogether, sixth only including Weibo posts.

→ Gong Jun’s studio posted ten photos of him from Go Fighting! episode 6. Caption: “The extreme intelligence team assembled, and the ‘Nirvana Operation’ officially started. Today at 20:30, together with boss @Gong Jun Simon, we will uncover the layers of fog and look for the mysterious ‘pretender’.” Fan Observation: The photo of him blindfolded was not present in the episode itself, nor has any footage been released of it yet. 🤔 It’s the 8th picture.

→ 20:30 Go Fighting! episode 5 aired. [subbed episode]

07-25 → Gong Jun and #WordOfHonor trended on Twitter.

→ Gong Jun has been nominated for four awards in the Weibo TV and Internet Video Summit: one for himself independently, and three for The Flaming Heart, Go Fighting!, and Chinese Restaurant.

→ Tiffany & Co. posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Kangshifu posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Mengniu posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ MUJOSH posted a teaser image for their limited edition product with Gong Jun that later released on 07-29. The tagline reads, “I will love you till the end of time. I urge the trees, flowers and grass to go against nature, and be immortal for you.” They also posted three photos of Gong Jun from Go Fighting! episode 4 to their Instagram, [here] [here] and [here].

→ LockNLock posted winners of a giveaway, using a promotional image featuring Gong Jun.

07-26 → Colgate posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ A general meeting was held by the Culture, Art and Audio-Visual Communication committee of the China Federation of Radio and Television Associations, a state-run entity. During this meeting Li Xuezheng was elected as one of the committee’s vice presidents.

07-27 → 361° posted a drawing of a border collie with a caption that includes, “I sent the dog Xiu to stand guard for me today.”

→ Tiffany & Co. posted another cut of their commercial featuring Gong Jun.

→ A Zhang Zhehan lookalike was seen wandering around a mall in Shanghai. This is a new tactic by Xie Yihua and co., it is not him; other similar sightings have occured. At this point don’t believe any news you hear of him being seen in public, even ones that seem to be candy or that come from seemingly trusted sources. 

Remember that they are ramping things up for August. People within chatgroups have also heard Instagram-believers say they’re going to target those of us posting clarifications. If something seems questionable—even if it comes from me or QuelleVous or whomever—verify it for yourself if you are able, or at the very least make a mental note and keep questioning it. People can lie, people can be paid off, accounts can be hacked. Trust no bitch.

→ Tangle Teezer (which I mistakenly thought Gong Jun had already finished his contract with, whoops) made a post which included a photo of a pug. Caption: “What kind of bad thoughts can you have for puppy Xiu?” Toxic solos who mistook the dog for a French bulldog flamed the comments until the post was privated.

→ Kangshifu posted three photo ads featuring Gong Jun.

→ Dragon TV posted four gifs of Gong Jun from Go Fighting! episode 5.

→ YOUKU announced that Gong Jun’s upcoming drama Legend of AnLe will begin airing at the end of the year.

07-28 → People’s Daily made a post about water armies, the dangers they pose, and the need for an official unified effort to stop them.

→ Two additional stills of Gong Jun from Go Fighting! episode 5 were leaked.

→ Back to Field’s Weibo posted the episode preview that had been shared by Hunan Satellite at the beginning of the week.

→ Fans found that Zhang Zhehan’s name cannot be used in an e-card for a drink company, with the error message saying the “content contains sensitive words.” When customer service was asked, they cited that it was because he had “visited the shrine.” Fans tested the site and found that only other names from CAPA’s immoral artists lists are blocked. In case you need a reminder of why it’s vital that Zhang Zhehan is able to clear his name, here it is: he and the two thousand people who share his name aren’t able to do even something this simple. He cannot “move on and live a normal life” like the Instagram is claiming. And unfortunately...

→ The Instagram uploaded seven photos of “Zhang Zhehan” and “Zhang Mama” at a pilates studio together. Caption: “The best companion is to bring your family to exercise together 💪” [Here] is an interview from 2019 where Zhang Zhehan mentioned the topic of his mother’s attitude towords working out. An additional video was later also posted to the Douyin account of the pilates studio.

It has been found that this pilates studio, along with many of the other businesses that the imposter(s) have been doing photoshoots at, have professional connections to Songcheng. This does not appear to be a coincidence.

→ MUJOSH posted a photo from their new ad campaign featuring Gong Jun. MUJOSH also made a post with the additional tagline “I will love you as much as I can” on their blog and announced that these new glasses are a limited edition with 1150 products available. Sir. Fan Observation: The glasses are hexagon-shaped. SIR.

→ Danny (basketball player) submitted a video of himself and his family to the official Chinese Basketball Weibo. Interspersed in the video are two short clips of Zhang Sanjian doing sports that have been released over the last month. The song used in the video is Numb Little Bug, the same one Gong Jun used in a douyin on 06-14 that had a lot of us worried, which frankly feels very pointed.

→ Zhehan trended on Twitter.

07-29 → Downy posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Tiffany & Co. posted a behind the scenes video of their ad campaign with Gong Jun.

→ KFC posted a photo ad of Gong Jun announcing winners of a prize draw.

→ QuelleVous posted that Songcheng approached Zhang Zhehan for a collaboration last year and he turned them down. This is unsubstantiated at this time. If it is true, it’s possible that this was part of the motive for at least some of what has happened, whether it had something to do with 813 itself or simply the fact that they are now using his image to advertise their businesses.

→ KFC posted an illustrated commercial drawn by 微微不早起, a CPF artist.

→ Back to Field posted a group promo image featuring Gong Jun. They also later posted individual stills of the cast members.

→ LockNLock posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ MUJOSH posted another photo ad, shortly followed by a promotional video spoken by Gong Jun announcing the limited edition glasses.

→ We Are The Champions posted a group promo image featuring Gong Jun.

→ Kangshifu posted three photo ads featuring Gong Jun.

→ Xie Yihua made a post admonishing fans for feminizing and creating NSFW content of Zhang Zhehan. This resulted in huge backlash from all sides as well as some fighting.

→ Dragon TV posted a still from Go Fighting! episode 5 featuring Gong Jun.

→ Fresh posted a promotional video spoken by Gong Jun.

→ 361° posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Mengniu posted a promotional video spoken by Gong Jun. 

→ Hsu Fu Chi posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Gong Jun’s studio posted four photos of him from Back to Field. Caption: “The warm food healing journey will also have exciting moments 😎”

→ Back to Field aired the second episode of Gong Jun’s guest appearance.

07-30 → Instagram-believers held an #AlwaysWithZhangZhehan hashtag event.

→ Gong Jun trended on Twitter.

→ The Instagram posted a video of “Zhang Zhehan” practicing boxing. Caption: “Wake up 🥊” Not long after, the account replied to a comment from a rude skeptic who criticized Xie Yihua, saying “Hope you growing a brain isn’t just to make you look tall.”  Fan Observation: A reminder that when Zhang Zhehan was being actively attacked by antis last July, he said nothing until he had put together enough evidence to sue the worst of them. A lot of Instagram-believers have been leaving recently because they believe he has really become this kind of rude and careless person, while many of the ones who are left were celebrating this comment. Also note that this was just over 24 hours after the backlash against Xie Yihua, whom the comment the account replied to was “concidentally” targetting.

→ Hsu Fu Ci posted a photo ad featuring Gong Jun.

→ Gong Jun posted six photos of himself from We Are The Champions to his personal Weibo. Caption: “Shallowly guess who the champion is going to be" Fan Observation: Ninth 浅, seventh only including Weibo.

→ Gong Jun’s studio Weibo posted an additional nine photos from We Are The Champions. Caption: “In the canyon duel, the battle is fierce.”

→ We Are The Champions episode 8 aired and is available with VIP, episode 7 is now available for free.

→ Xie Yihua made a post threatening fans with legal action, posting a forged letter (illegal) and a censored lawyer’s license. The lawyer’s name was still able to be discerned through the censoring and was identified as one working for a lawfirm with connections to CAPA. 

→ We Are The Champions posted a video announcing that Gong Jun had won the title of Solo King. They followed this up with a promo image of him.

→ Gong Jun’s studio posted another photo of him from the filming of the We Are The Champions episode holding the ring he won. Caption: “Dare to challenge, courage and strategy to support together. Congrats to boss @ Gong Jun Simon for winning solo king~”

→ Two hashtags about Gong Jun’s win got on Weibo’s entertainment hotsearch.

→ Kangshifu posted an illustrated ad featuring Gong Jun. The caption includes, “In the summer that heats up as soon as you go out, the highest standard for testing friendship is probably not pigeons. Baking through the heat wave and making appointments on time is simply the pinnacle of friendship.”

→ We Are The Champions posted solo promo images of several contestants including Gong Jun. 

→  Addition 08-02: A rumor was spread online originating from a supposed staff member of Back to Field that one of the guests used to be a sex worker (“duck”). This led to slander against Gong Jun, connecting it to slander previously spread by Sophie and co.. Back to Field did not post any official statement about this other than to say they were disappointed that people were more preoccupied by this than the show itself.

Additional Reading: → Flora’s daily fan news thread → I’m organizing a Zhang Zhehan is Innocent hashtag event on Twitter for next Saturday, please check it out if you’re interested in participating!

<<< previous week || all posts || following week >>>

This post was last edited 2022-08-22.

[tobesolonely]

aura

A/n: Hi everyone! this is a tad bit different from the things i usually write (I think) as i wanted to switch things up a little bit. I’m kinda nervous to post it so pleaseee please let me know your thoughts! As always please enjoy!! thank you to everyone who beta read for me btw :)

summary: witch!y/n can see auras and harry is blue

my ko-fi! thank you :)

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N has always been able to easily empathize with others. She could see others' emotional energy— their aura— and this made it easy to know exactly what they were feeling. Not only could she see auras, but she could take away anyone’s emotional turmoil just by touching them.

One of Y/N’s most vivid memories from her childhood was when her best friend came to school one morning in tears over the death of her pet fish. When Y/N leaned in to give her a hug, she felt an overwhelming heaviness overtake her body as soon as they made contact. Upon pulling away from the hug, her friend’s demeanor was completely changed. Instead of being sad over the death of her fish, she was able to instead reflect on all the good times she had with him. Her friend was fine for the rest of the day, but Y/N was left grieving over a fish she never even owned.

Y/N went home that day, confused. How was it that her friend was so easily cheered up just from a hug? Was that all it took for Y/N to make others feel better? If that was the case, she decided she wanted to be a ‘Professional Hugger’ when she grew up. As time went on, Y/N learned that she didn’t even have to hug others to rid them of their mental pain. The slightest touch from her instantly made anyone she came into contact with feel better.

It took a few months for Y/N to realize it was her touch that healed others. Sure, that mental anguish then became hers to carry, but how many people could say they could heal someone just by touching them? If that was the price she had to pay, then so be it. From that point on Y/N made it a point to help anyone she could. 

As Y/N got older and her skill with this power grew, she learned to redirect the painful energy elsewhere so she didn’t always have to sit with it. It worked some of the time, but it was something she was still learning to master. Y/N wasn’t always successful in doing this, though. While whoever Y/N touched went about their day feeling great, she would experience their emotions so intensely that she felt as if she were coming down with a cold. Y/N dealt with it in silence because the way she saw it if she was blessed with this gift, she had to be selfless and put it to good use. Y/N was a firm believer that all the good she put out would come back to her in another life at least ten times over.

It was difficult for Y/N not to touch everyone she saw whose aura reflected sadness, anxiety, or worry. She tried to stick to only doing this to people she knew, but there were some instances where Y/N encountered someone who was just so clearly unhappy that she could not help herself. 

For example, right now. 

Y/N immediately sensed this stranger’s emotional turmoil as soon as they entered the space. It was late afternoon on a Wednesday. Y/N had the longest, most physically demanding day at work and the last thing she wanted to do was go home and cook. Even though she had just gone grocery shopping two days prior, she stopped by her favorite Thai place on the way home. Y/N was in the middle of ordering when their presence quite literally took her breath away, causing her to stumble over her words. 

She turned to look over her shoulder at the person who was so greatly distracting her and locked eyes with the most pitiful looking stranger she’d seen all day. The first thing Y/N noticed about him was his hair. It was unruly, like he had just gotten out of bed. She also noticed how tall he was–– if he had just a couple more inches on him, he would’ve had to crane his neck to enter the establishment. Upon making eye contact with Y/N the man quickly looked down at his shoes, twiddling his thumbs. His aura was a mixture of indigo and dark red when Y/N looked at him. Anger and sensitivity.

“Do you still need a moment?”

The voice of the cashier breaks Y/N out of her analytical thoughts of the stranger standing a few feet behind her. She nods, re-situating her purse on her left shoulder. 

“Uh, please. He can go ahead if he’s ready.” Y/N gestures behind her and the cashier nods, asking the man behind her if he was ready to order yet. He steps up to the front counter, eyes trained on his feet as if he couldn’t walk without watching every step he took. 

His energy was intense and Y/N wasn’t sure how much longer she could ignore it. Something about him was reeling her in— his aura wasn’t looking too bright at the moment, but she could just tell it usually was. She felt compelled to take away his pain, and she hadn’t spoken a single word to him yet. While he was placing his order, Y/N internally debated on whether or not she should “accidentally” graze his arm when they walked past each other. Would that be weird? What if she wasn’t able to redirect his negative energy elsewhere? While she did love to help whenever she could, some people’s emotional baggage was just a little too heavy. She didn’t know him. For all she knew, he could be a killer!

He turns back around once he’s finished ordering and stands by the entrance, out of Y/N’s way. The pair lock eyes again as Y/N makes her way back to the counter to order. Once again, he quickly looked away from her. Y/N’s trying to ignore the annoying nagging feeling she gets when she wants to help someone, but it’s unrelenting. She makes up her mind that once she’s done, she will approach this stranger to get a better read on his emotions. 

“Nice weather we’re having today, isn’t it?” She cringes at her choice of a conversation starter and hopes he doesn’t notice. Y/N folds her hands across her chest, forcing herself not to reach out to him. He nods.

“Lovely.”

The tone of his voice causes Y/N to wince. It was sharp and short. He was clearly not in the mood to converse. Although Y/N knows this, she continues on.

“I love this place. I think I come here at least twice a month–– what’s your go-to order?”

The man turns to fully face Y/N this time, his aura now more red than blue. He was beginning to grow annoyed with her small talk. 

“Green curry and stir-fried vegetables.” He doesn’t ask Y/N for her order, so she takes this as her signal to stop speaking to him. The bell above the door jingles, signaling another persons’ entry. Their aura is shining gold–– Y/N would not have to interfere. 

Y/N moves away from this man, deciding not to speak to him anymore. She was getting better at accepting the fact that no matter how much she wanted to, it was impossible to help everyone. As he collected his food from the front and turned to leave, not sparing Y/N another glance, she silently hoped that whatever was wrong with this man would not last.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Harry was in a funk. There was no denying it, and he was over feeling so terribly. He hadn’t been feeling like himself for far too long. It seemed like everyone wanted something from him when he had nothing left to give. Jeff had set unrealistic deadlines, his mother was upset with him for not calling enough, and he was exhausted from constantly traveling and waking up in a new time zone. Harry needed a break.

Harry’s mind wandered to the pretty girl in the Thai place. She seemed inquisitive. She was very curious about his go-to order, and she was standing a little too close for his comfort. Harry was surprised when she didn’t ask him for a picture. He wasn’t trying to be cocky, but nearly everyone he met asked him for a picture–– he was Harry Styles. However, it was almost like this girl didn’t know who he was. She didn’t seem starstruck in the slightest.

While Harry was waiting for the light to change, it dawned on him that he may have been a tad bit rude to her. He noticed her happy expression drop when he shut her down, but he didn’t feel like talking. He liked to move from place to place as quickly as he could in the off chance he got recognized and it started circulating on Twitter. Still, he couldn’t help feeling a little bad. She was sweet like honey–– or so it seemed. In their brief interaction, she bought him comfort.

Harry wanted to turn back around and go back to the restaurant to check if she was still there. What would be the point, though? She would most likely be long gone by the time he made it back over there, as she did order immediately after him. Harry’s torn out of his thoughts when the cars behind him start honking, and he realizes the light must’ve turned green. He decides not to think about the confrontation anymore. 

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

The world works in mysterious ways. 

Y/N was sure she’d never encounter the grumpy man from her favorite Thai restaurant again but yet here she was in another situation that involved take-out and him. His aura was dark indigo this time. Stress? Isolation? Y/N didn’t know, but she wanted to help him. In her eyes, there was no reason for anyone to be down this badly. She just wanted everyone to be as happy as she (almost) always was! She takes a deep breath before approaching him.

“Hi. How are you?”

Harry was absorbed in a text conversation involving his manager and stylist when a sweet, familiar voice interrupts him. 

“I’m okay, thank you. Yourself? Also, we’ve spoken before, I believe.”

She nods, a troubled look on her face. “We have. At the Thai place. How are you, though? Really.”

Harry was beginning to find her a bit strange (but still incredibly gorgeous, even more than he did before now that he got a good look at her face). Why was she so concerned with how he was feeling? Was she going to ask him for a picture or not? As Harry opened his mouth to again tell her he was fine, the desire to tell her how he was really feeling came over him. So he did.

“Honestly? ‘M exhausted. I’ve been doing a lot of traveling and my manager wants a lot from me. I think I jus’ need a break.” 

He radiated red. Anxiety? Anger?

“What do you do for work?” Now it was Harry’s turn to wear the troubled look.

“I don’t mean this to be rude, but you’re serious?”

Y/N nods, reaching out to place her hand on his shoulder. Just as quickly as she touches him she removes her hand, and she’s almost certain he didn’t even feel her touch. She notices him let out a visible sigh of relief, his aura changing from a red to a pale yellow. Optimism. Positivity. This causes her to let out her own sigh of relief. 

“You’re feeling better! That’s great.” Y/N was not able to redirect his negative energy as the restaurant was too crowded and she didn’t want to risk putting it on anyone else, and she was feeling him. He was stressed, overworked, and anxious. Y/N just wanted to go home and nap, no longer in the mood for the food she just ordered.

Harry decided she was definitely odd but in the most endearing way possible. “How do you know I’m feeling better? Wait, am I feeling better?” Y/N watches as he works through his emotions, his aura ranging in color before settling back on pale yellow. 

“Are you?” Y/N knows the answer to this of course, but she wants to hear him say it.

“I think I am. I’ve been feelin’ horrible all week but saying how I felt out loud to you automatically made me feel better. Kind of weird, but I won’t question it. Thank you for asking…,” Harry scrunches his nose, a distasteful expression on his face. “I don’t think ‘ve gotten your name yet.”

Y/N gives him a small, forced smile. “I’m Y/F/N Y/L/N. It’s nice to meet you. I’ll be seeing you around, I think.” Before Harry can tell her his name she’s gone.

And she didn’t even grab her food.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N felt like she had been hit by a ton of bricks. How one person could carry around all this emotional baggage was beyond her, but she wanted it gone. Immediately.

There was a spell Y/N kept on hand for times like these. Times when she couldn’t redirect the negative energy before it got to her. Times when it was just too much to carry. Y/N had regretfully done this spell more times than she could count and was an expert at reciting it from memory. The vile was open and ready to capture the negative energy that would shortly be leaving her.

Y/N works quickly to complete the process, unsure of what time her roommate would come barreling through the door. She had caught her doing things she deemed strange one too many times (she thought her roommate almost figured out who she really was when she caught her having a full-on conversation with her cat, Sapphire, once). She was beginning to run out of excuses for her “unusual” behavior. Y/N mutters under her breath, willing the energy to exit her.

She notices right away when it leaves her. She feels lighter— like her usual self again. She guides the energy into the vile and immediately seals it, hurrying into her room to lock it away. Y/N kept a box in her closet that she only opened if she had to. It was her Pandora’s Box, in a way. Nothing bad would be released into the world if she opened the box, but if the viles’ were opened then the bad energy she trapped would be re-released into the world, finding its way back to their original owners.

Y/N feels like she can breathe again once she bolts the box. She hoped that whatever he was doing, wherever this man was, he was still feeling okay. 

Also, for his sake and everyone’s around him, she hoped he got a break.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N was on Harry’s mind. 

Something about her was magnetic. He wished he’d gotten more information about her than only her name, but she left him in such a hurry he could hardly process their conversation. Harry felt like a madman! He searched ‘Y/F/N Y/L/N’ on all social media platforms, but he couldn’t find her anywhere. It was dumb luck that he had ran into her twice in such a short time span, and he hoped good things happened in threes and he would see her again.

He was almost certain that Jeff thought he was losing his mind.

Harry tried explaining his interaction with Y/N first at the Thai food spot and again when he was getting Greek food, but Jeff thought Harry was so sleep deprived he was imagining things. 

“How did you see a beautiful, young woman who didn’t freak out or ask for a picture? Doesn’t make sense. You’re Harry Styles.”

“That’s what I thought!” Harry exclaimed wildly. He holds his phone up. “I’m thinkin’ she really doesn’t know who I am, though. I couldn’t find her on any social media platform. It’s like she’s off the grid or somethin’.”

“No social media at all? A little weird, isn’t it?”

“It’s fitting for her. If you met her then you would understand what I meant,” Harry felt the need to defend this alluring stranger who took away his pain just by listening to him speak. “Look at me, Jeff. Don’t I seem so much better than I was jus’ a few days ago?”

His manager couldn’t deny that Harry’s mood (and attitude) had done a 360. He didn’t complain about being woken up early and he happily consented to do not one, but two interviews.

“I mean, yeah? I guess––”

“Thanks to her!” Harry cuts him off. “I’m telling you. I need to see her again and thank her for whatever she did.”

“How are you going to do that?” 

Harry leaned back against the counter in Jeff’s kitchen, mulling the question over. It was a valid one. How was he going to do that? He already tried to no avail to find her on social media. He hardly knew anything about her. All he knew was her name, that they seemed to have a similar taste in food, and that she went to the Thai spot at least two times a month. 

That was it.

In one last effort to contact Y/N again, Harry planned to go to the Thai food place, pray the cashier who was working when he went in earlier this week was there, and leave his number with her. It was a risky move, probably not the smartest thing he could do, and Jeff would for sure drop him as a client if he knew Harry was doing things like this. Harry didn’t care. Phone numbers could always be changed, and he was desperate. 

If Harry couldn’t contact Y/N, he would wait for her to contact him.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N was confused.

She stopped at her favorite Thai food spot (sooner in the month than anticipated, but she had another long day), ordered her usual, and was about to leave when the sweet cashier who was always there insisted she takes the piece of paper with ‘HARRY’ followed by a phone number scrawled on it.

“For me?” Y/N was confused. Something like this had never happened to her before. I mean, does it happen to anyone?

“He insisted,” the cashier warmly responds. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back–– knew you would soon enough.” Y/N’s face flushes at this and she makes a mental note to start cooking more.

“Well…,” Y/N trails off, not sure what to say. “Thank you? I guess I’ll give him a call and let him know you’ve done well.” The cashier’s aura shines pink. Affection. Love.

“You should. Take care!”

Y/N leaves the restaurant with the crumpled piece of paper in her sweaty hands, eager to get home as soon as possible. She wasn’t sure what it was, but something told her not to disregard him. His reaching out was a sign–– and Y/N did not ignore signs.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

“She hasn’t called me yet.”

“It’s been five days, Harry. She probably doesn’t eat Thai food every day. I can’t believe you did something so fuckin’ stupid…”

Jeff’s reprimanding fades into the background as Harry drifts off into daydreaming about what it would be like if– when- Y/N finally called him. Would she find him obsessed? What if she thought he was stalking her? Harry decided that when she called, he would immediately clear things up. He’d thank her for her kindness (his trademark) and see how she was doing. She left the Greek food place so abruptly when he last saw her that he was under the impression something was bothering her. Harry wasn’t sure what he could do to help if something was troubling her, but he could at least extend a listening ear to her as she did to him.

“Harry, are you listening?”

“What was that?”

Jeff shakes his head at Harry, an amused expression on his face. “Man, I hope she calls you soon.”

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

The phone rang three times. After the third ring, his gruff voice came through the other end of the phone.

“Hello?”

Y/N sharply inhales, suddenly growing nervous. “Is this Harry?” Silence. Y/N was preparing to repeat herself when he spoke again.

“Is this Y/N?”

Now it’s Y/N’s turn to be silent. Harry says nothing, awaiting her response. “Well, it is. You sound familiar–– how do we know each other?”

“Now that ’m actually able to talk to you, it sounds a bit silly…” He seems unsure of himself. “Promise y’won’t laugh at me?”

“I promise.”

Y/N says it with such conviction that Harry believes her, and it gives him the confidence he needs to proceed. “I was havin’ a hard time a couple of weeks ago. I was in line to get some falafel and you asked me what was wrong. What was really wrong.” Y/N says nothing, so Harry continues.

“I told you I was exhausted from work ‘nd wanted a break. That’s it, y’know? But I immediately felt better afterward. I’ve actually been feelin’ great ever since. I jus’ wanted to thank you, is all. I know it sounds weird and it’s probably all in m’head but I feel like talkin’ with you was just what I needed.” Harry’s rambling, nerves finally catching up to him. She was gorgeous and he was afraid she would think he was insane. 

“I’m glad to hear you’re still feeling better, Harry. That’s great.” Y/N’s voice is gentle and soft and to Harry, hearing her speak was just as comforting as getting a hug from his mum.

“I’m also really sorry that I was such a dick when you tried talkin’ to me the first time at the Thai spot,'' Harry feels embarrassed, stumbling over his words. “Not sure if you remember but I was just havin’ a shit day. I thought you were gonna ask for a picture and I just wasn’t in the mood.”

Y/N doesn’t say anything and Harry winces, certain he’s offended her when she starts talking again. 

“That’s okay. I know you were having a bad day.” 

“How did you know I was having a bad day?” Again, Y/N pauses before answering. 

“Well, I didn’t do anything to you for you to be so rude to me. I knew it had to be a problem involving yourself.” Harry notices that Y/N speaks very slowly. It’s as if she considers every word before she speaks. He’s intrigued by her. 

“That is very true.” Y/N doesn’t say anything so Harry takes it as his cue to keep talking. “I’m sorry if me leaving my number at the restaurant creeped you out. I hope you didn’t feel obligated to call me.”

“Not at all. I’ve actually been wondering how you were doing since we had our encounter at the Greek place–– that doesn’t creep you out either, right?”

Y/N was hypnotizing. Harry was infatuated. 

“Not at all.”

“Can I ask you something, Harry?”

“Course.”

“Why would I want a picture with you?”

Harry had to get to know her.

“Do y’wanna grab coffee sometime?”

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Something was definitely different about Y/N–– Harry just couldn’t put his finger on what it was. To begin, she truly had absolutely no idea who Harry was. At first, he thought she was just messing with him, but he quickly realized she was being serious. Y/N said she had “heard of” One Direction, but she never listened to the band’s music. Harry supposed that could account for her being unaware as to who he was. Maybe he wasn’t a “household name” like Jeff always said he was. 

Harry was also right about her not having social media. When he asked Y/N why she didn’t use it, she said she preferred to occupy her time with more substantial things. She didn’t elaborate, and Harry didn’t ask. She was however very interested to learn what a big social media following Harry had. He tweeted the word “Do” and they watched as the internet went wild trying to decipher what he meant. He even started trending worldwide for it. It made sense to Y/N after that why Harry was so intent on not taking off his sunglasses and beanie.

Y/N was having a great time analyzing his aura. 

She noticed that whenever someone glanced in their direction, his aura briefly turned red. Anxiety. When Y/N attempted to make a joke, it turned pink (she chose not to analyze that too much). Mainly though, his aura shone that beautiful, pale yellow that Y/N loved to see the most. Harry was doing well. He was happy. Y/N would not have to intervene today.

She couldn’t explain why, but she felt obligated to help him. Even though his energy made her feel so terribly last time, she would’ve still taken away his pain if he was blue without even thinking twice about it. Why was she so drawn to him? Y/N wasn’t sure what it was about Harry that drew her in, but she knew she would do anything to help him. Anything to see him happy.

Unbeknownst to Y/N, Harry felt the same way.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N missed Harry terribly.

She wanted to call him–– just a brief conversation to see if he was doing okay. He mentioned when they last saw each other nearly two weeks prior that he was going to be very busy in the coming days, and she wondered if he still was. Harry told Y/N that he loved his job (of course he did!), but being so busy sometimes really hurt him. Not just mentally, but physically as well. 

She longed for him.

Y/N searched through her call list for Harry’s number and immediately tapped it, listening closely as it rang. She was about to end the call in defeat when Harry answered at the last moment.

“Hello?” He sounded tired, under the weather.

“Harry,” Y/N begins. “I haven’t heard from you in a bit and I just wanted to see if all was well. How do you feel?”

“Hi Y/N,” Harry perks up slightly, but he still sounds a bit congested. “‘M not sure if you can tell from m’voice, but I’ve got a cold.”

Although Y/N wishes with every fiber of her being that she could rid Harry of his cold, she cannot. However, she can make sure all is well with his mind. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she pauses for a moment as she usually does, hoping Harry can tell how sincere she’s being on the other end. “How do you feel though? Are you still feeling happy?”

“Jus’ feelin’ not the greatest again. I’ve been stuck in my house with this fuckin’ cold and haven’t seen anyone in days.”

“I can come over.” Y/N doesn’t think twice before offering. If he had to suffer physically, she at least wanted him to feel okay mentally.

“I don’t want to get you sick. It’s okay–”

“I don’t mind, really. I’ll keep you company.”

Harry doesn’t say anything and Y/N’s sure she must’ve creeped him out. They don’t even know each other well and here she was offering to come over to his home and keep him company while he was sick. She’s about to rescind her offer when he lets out a loud sigh.

“My manager might kill me if he finds out I did this… but sure, let me give you my address.”

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

As soon as Harry got off the phone, he sprung into action. His home was a mess. There were crumpled up tissues all over the floor beside his bed, a sink full of dishes, and he’s pretty sure every bathroom in his house was a mess. He opted to not have anyone over to clean up after him as he didn’t want to risk getting anyone sick and man did it show.

He quickly gathered up all the tissues and threw them into the bin in the corner of his bedroom, surveying the rest of the mess before deciding he and Y/N wouldn’t be spending time in there, anyway. He was going to focus on the mess downstairs, instead. He loaded his dishwasher and record time and used disinfectant wipes on every surface he could in the kitchen, dining room, and living room. He then surveyed the bathrooms and cleaned the one with the least amount of mess, closing the doors to the other ones. He would worry about those some other time. 

Harry was nervous to have Y/N over. He was just nervous to be around her in general. He missed her over the past couple of weeks but he opted out of contacting her, terrified that he was a bother. After Harry finished cleaning in record time, it dawned on him that he didn’t really have any food prepared to offer Y/N. If she was coming over to his house just to cheer him up, the least he could do was offer her something to eat. Harry hated doing things like this, but he was desperate. He texted his assistant and asked if they could drop off some food from the Greek place he and Y/N liked, making a mental note to find out what other places she enjoyed eating at for next time.

Y/N gets to his house much sooner than he was anticipating.

He rushes to his front door, looking through the peephole before opening the door. Y/N has a big smile on her face and looks absolutely gorgeous, as she usually does. She has a huge water bottle in one hand and a tote bag with the phases of the moon slung over her shoulder. He’s never seen it before and thinks it’s lovely.

“Hi,” Harry says breathlessly. “Thanks for coming. Uh, come in please.”

Y/N smiles and takes a small step forward, crossing the threshold of Harry’s home. She thought it was incredible–– and rather clean. “What can I do to help?” 

Harry was getting used to Y/N’s straightforward approach to things, so he’s not phased by her question. “Jus’ you bein’ here is great, honestly.”

Y/N can see that Harry’s aura is that deep indigo that she’s not fond of, but she wonders if he can work through it himself before she steps in. “So it’s just your cold that’s got you feeling down? Can we sit down and talk about it?”

“Sure. Also, not sure if you’ve eaten yet or not but I’m gettin’ some food dropped off for us.”

“That sounds great, I haven’t had dinner yet so thank you. Can we sit?” Y/N doesn’t wait for Harry to answer. She makes her way to his plush couch in the adjoining room, walking through the place like she’s been there before. Harry loves it.

“I think I told you the gist of it on the phone earlier,” Harry says, settling onto the couch beside her. He leaves some space in between them since he doesn’t want to risk getting her sick, but he wishes he was closer to her. “I’ve been feelin’ down ‘cause I’ve been stuck in the house with this cold. S’not fun.” Y/N hums in understanding. Harry notices that she reaches out her hand to him slightly and then quickly retracts it, but he doesn’t mention it. Y/N says nothing, just continues looking inquisitively at him. Harry doesn’t feel uncomfortable under her gaze–– he stares back. 

“Something’s making you feel nervous. What is it?”

Harry isn’t surprised that she was able to figure out there was more to what he was feeling than just loneliness. How was he supposed to tell Y/N that she was the reason for his nervousness, though?

“It’s nothing. I promise.”

“I don’t think so.”

Harry scratches the back of his neck nervously. “How are you so good at reading me? S’like you’re inside my brain, Y/N.” He lets out a little chuckle after saying this but quickly stops when he realizes Y/N isn’t laughing along with him.

“You’re just easy to read,” she cooly responds after a second. “Why are you so nervous? Do you have something coming up for work?”

“Not really…” 

“Then what is it? Something going on with someone in your family?” 

Harry was quickly realizing Y/N wouldn’t drop this unless Harry gave her an answer. He silently hopes for the best before answering her. 

“It’s you,” he mumbles, shifting around uncomfortably on his couch. “You make me nervous.” Y/N watches as his aura changes from red and blue to pink, and his cheeks flush slightly. 

“Why do I make you nervous?”

“You just do.”

“Why? Have I done something to hurt you?”

Y/N was so painfully oblivious that it was cute. Harry was quickly realizing that his heart doubled in size every time he talked to her.

“No. Quite the opposite, actually,” Harry reaches in the pocket of his sweatpants for a tissue, facing away from her while he pauses to blow his nose. “You’re so… you’re jus’ very interesting. Mesmerizing, really.”

Y/N feels her skin heat up at Harry’s compliment. His aura is still shining pink, the brightest pink she’s ever seen since meeting him. She was sad to see there was still quite a bit of indigo and red, though. “Thank you. That’s very sweet of you.”

Before Y/N can stop herself, she reaches out to grab Harry’s hand. Immediately she feels his energy transfer to her and without thinking, Y/N flicks her finger out of force of habit. The beautifully potted Pothos that Harry has sitting on his television stand instantly droops, leaves turning brown and wilted. 

Harry’s completely perplexed.

The first thing he notices is that he’s feeling better. Great, even. He feels as good as he felt after the interaction he had with Y/N in the Greek food place all those weeks ago. The next thing he notices is that his gorgeous Pothos, a plant that is nearly impossible to kill, is dead.

And it was all Y/N’s doing.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

please let me know what you thought!

[mikauzoran]

LuXY (Luka/XY): Pepper (One-Shot)

Summary: XY gets Luka to do an eating spicy food challenge with him. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

Read it on AO3: LuXY: Pepper

“I saw the most ballin’ thing on YouTube the other day!” Xavier-Yves Roth announced gleefully as he waltzed uninvited into the main cabin of the Liberty.

It wasn’t unusual for people to show up on the ship without warning or prior arrangement with the inhabitants, but XY had been making a habit of appearing at odd hours on the most random of pretexts.

Luka glanced up from his clàrsach and blinked as XY dumped a shopping bag full of assorted peppers and tubed foodstuffs onto the makeshift coffee table.

“What’s all this?” Luka inquired calmly.

The previous week he had finally given up on asking Xavier-Yves why he was there and what he wanted. Luka had decided that it would be better for his sanity if he just stopped resisting and accepted that his reality included periodically hanging out with XY.

“We’re gonna eat hot stuff!” XY informed with a nearly maniacal grin. “I saw on YouTube a bunch of wusses eating stuff like hot sauce and wasabi paste and California reaper peppers, and they were making all kinds of faces and crying and gagging.”

“And this made you think that this was an experience you wanted to have yourself?” Luka questioned skeptically, unable to comprehend XY’s line of logic.

Xavier-Yves rolled his eyes as he took a seat on the couch beside Luka. “No. Duh. I thought that the people online were a bunch of un-dope wusses, so you and me should make a video of us eating hot stuff like the freaking awesome kings we are, and then we can post it on my Twitter so all of my followers can see how cool and tough we are.”

There were several things Luka needed to process before he could respond.

One, XY thought of Luka as being on the same level as himself.

Two, XY was a self-important moron.

Three, XY had a lot of Twitter followers, and the exposure Luka could get for free from appearing with XY in a video on his Twitter was not something to reject lightly.

Four, XY was kind of cute when he was excited about something.

Luka had noticed this last one before, but it was making itself particularly apparent as Xavier-Yves bounced excitedly in his seat and told Luka that XY thought Luka was cool in a roundabout way.

“All right. Let’s do this,” Luka agreed before he could second guess his decision. “You get your phone ready to record. I’m going to go get us some milk.”

“Milk?” Xavier-Yves cocked an eyebrow as he watched Luka (more specifically Luka’s hot butt) head for the kitchen.

“Milk is good to drink with spicy things,” Luka informed as he got out two glasses. “Water just spreads the pain around. Milk helps absorb it.”

“Oh. Cool.” XY hummed thoughtfully as he got out his phone and set it up to record, checking the angle, the lighting, and the state of his hair.

By the time Luka came back with the glasses of milk, Xavier-Yves seemed satisfied that everything was up to his standards.

“So, how do we do this?” Luka inquired, peering warily at the various foods spread out on the table.

“I’ll do the intro, and then you pick something for us to start with. You can go first so that I don’t upstage you. I know I’m a hard act to follow, and you’re cool and everything, but the viewers will mostly be my fans, so… Other than that, just sit there and look pretty. You’ll be fine.”

Luka wasn’t sure what to make of Xavier-Yves’s pep talk. Apparently, he thought Luka was pretty?

There wasn’t time to reflect further because just then XY started recording.

“Sup, everybody? It’s me, XY, and today I’m here with my buddy Luka Couffaine on his boat.”

Luka smiled and waved for the camera, hoping he didn’t look nervous.

“Today we’re gonna eat some hot stuff—but not each other,” XY clarified in case any of his viewers were confused. “I mean, I know we’re both hot, but this isn’t that kind of video.”

Luka really hoped he wasn’t blushing furiously. He was pretty sure he was keeping up a good poker face, but his mind was awhirl. He wondered how XY could just say that kind of thing so casually.

“What we’re gonna be eating is a bunch of peppers and some hot sauce and stuff. It’s gonna be dope,” XY informed, starting to get pumped up for the challenge. “So, Luka, what do you want to start with?”

Luka pursed his lips and looked down at the assortment of deadly weapons on the table.

“How about wasabi paste?” he suggested.

He had had that before and vaguely remembered that it wasn’t too bad so long as he didn’t ingest too much.

“All right! Sounds good!” Xavier-Yves cheered. “Bring it on!”

Luka picked up the tube of wasabi, removed the cap and the safety seal, and squeezed a pea-sized ball out onto his finger.

He took a deep breath and then held it as he popped his finger into his mouth.

“Well?” XY pressed, waiting for Luka’s reaction.

Luka winced as he made himself swallow. “Not—”

He choked.

“Not bad. It stings a little, and I can definitely feel it in my sinuses,”

It was burning Luka’s sinuses. He could feel his eyes tearing up.

“but the taste is actually not bad. I’d be interested in having it on sushi or sashimi.”

XY nodded his approval and gave Luka a thump on the back. “There you go! See, guys? My man Luka is a champ.”

As discreetly as possible, Luka picked up his glass of milk and took a few small sips.

“My turn!” XY crowed, picking up the wasabi tube and squeezing out a dollop the size of a coin.

Luka opened his mouth to caution XY against such a big bite, but it was too late.

XY let out a string of expletives as soon as he swallowed.

“My face is on fire!” he shrieked.

“Drink some milk,” Luka reminded, picking up Xavier-Yves’s glass and handing it to him.

XY slammed back the milk, draining it in one go. He then swiped Luka’s glass and did the same thing.

“That was awful!” he yowled like an injured bear. “Get the taste out of my mouth!”

“Do you want me to get you more milk?” Luka offered helplessly.

He was completely taken by surprise as Xavier-Yves surged forward, grabbing Luka’s face and smashing his mouth to Luka’s.

After the initial wave of panic, Luka’s brain calmed down and realized that Xavier-Yves Roth was kissing him.

Seconds later came the realization that Luka was not opposed to kissing Xavier-Yves.

Slowly, his arms wrapped around XY, and he parted his lips, letting XY’s tongue inside.

XY slipped onto Luka’s lap, his fingers twining through Luka’s hair, and a steady rhythm developed between them.

XY was a surprisingly good kisser. The start may have been sudden and rough, but things quickly smoothed out as their bodies started to move together in a dance they both seemed to know but couldn’t remember learning.

Minutes or hours or days passed, and finally Xavier-Yves pulled away. When he did, he leaned back in and pressed one last little peck to Luka’s lips, making Luka melt.

“So.” Luka’s voice was low and a little husky as he gazed up at XY with almost entirely black eyes. “I gather that you find me attractive…”

Luka licked his lips nervously but was instantly reassured when he saw and felt the way the gesture affected Xavier-Yves.

“…but would you be interested in dating me?”

“Would you really want to go out with me?” XY asked in a small voice, showing vulnerability and insecurity for the first time.

A soft smile spread across Luka’s lips. “Of course I would.”

He pressed a light kiss to the corner of XY’s mouth. “Can I take you out tonight?”

Xavier-Yves gulped. “Yeah. I would like that.”

Tentatively, XY leaned in for another kiss, and Luka met him halfway.

[atrixfromice]

This is the saddest thing that have happened to me ever.

Hi my folks!

Hey...

sorry about my lack of art lately! I owe you an apology... I wasn't sure if talking about this, but I imagine that sooner or later it will reflect in my art anyways, so, I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying so hard to befriend this guy I found last year's December and I fell in love with, that I've spent the very few free time I have (when I wasn't looking for a job) trying to befriend him. But things didn't really turned out well for me.

I imagine you would like to hear the end of this story... though.

Well, time passes and I thought I had at least catched his attention, because he started to follow me on Twitter. So I felt myself lucky and I thought to take the advice that my mom and Faikel gave me, and to try to get closer to him to form a good friendship and after that to tell him about my feelings for him.

So that was my plan. And I thought it was a good one...it seemed like a good plan.

...But today I went to see what was new on my social networks, and saw on his Twitter a post about him meeting a girl a couple of days ago, and announcing they were dating.

Which it's strange to me cos it's a person who appeared from nowhere, recently joined to twitter and has only 1 tweet O_O And if you look for her on other sites on the internet, there's nothing. In my case I know him since last year's December.

In any case. As you can imagine...this is probably the end for this story.

And the end of my hopes to find a true love...

Cos you know, I'm one of these peeps who, when they fall in love, their heart belongs to only one person. So this probably means...

...that I'll be all alone for all the rest of my life.

I feel devastated! This news broke up my heart into very tiny pieces, and I think they cannot be repaired...

And honest to God I don't know what to do!

What I should do now? Should I keep following him and trying to cultivate the friendship? Or should I just unfollow him and remove him from my social networks, to not suffer in the future?

Why God let's these things happen?

What I can do to take away the pain?....

Also... I can't help but wonder, if I picked up the wrong advice, I mean, if I was too slow and I should have told him my feelings like @chateaudecoolette advised me, instead of waiting, like my other friend, my mom and Faik advised me.

I wonder if I'd have had any chance with him, too. I mean, seeing how much I struggled to make him notice me, maybe I wouldn't have had much chance with him anyways. I think if he was in love with me whe we met, he would have payed me attention since the beginning and talked to me...and that didn't happen.

One doesn't choose to who you fall in love with...it just happens.

...But one can choose what to do if things don't come out well for you and you're not loved back.

I do love him, with all my heart! And I only wish for him happiness and that all his dreams come true! And of course, I'd like to become a good friend of him one day. And I'll always love him and support him, even if he never love me the same way. Bev's that's how true love is.

So I pray right now... I pray for God's wisdom.

I pray so he can give me the strength and the wisdom to do the best thing for him and for me...the one that would help me to find peace and solace in my heart...

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

August 18, 2021

Heather Cox Richardson

It is still early days, and the picture of what is happening in Afghanistan now that the Taliban has regained control of the country continues to develop.

Central to affairs there is money. Afghanistan is one of the poorest countries in the world, with about half its population requiring humanitarian aid this year and about 90% of its people living below the poverty line of making $2 a day.

The country depends on foreign aid. Under the U.S.-supported Afghan government, the United States and other nations funded about 80% of Afghanistan’s budget. In 2020, foreign aid made up about 43% of Afghanistan’s GDP (the GDP, or gross domestic product, is the monetary value of all the goods and services produced in a country), down from 100% of it in 2009.

This is a huge problem for the Taliban, because their takeover of the country means that the money the country so desperately needs has dried up. The U.S. has frozen billions of dollars of Afghan government money held here in the U.S. The European Union and Germany have also suspended their financial support for the country, and today the International Monetary Fund blocked Afghanistan’s access to $460 million in currency reserves.

Adam M. Smith, who served on the National Security Council during the Obama administration, told Jeff Stein of the Washington Post that the financial squeeze is potentially “cataclysmic for Afghanistan.” It threatens to spark a humanitarian crisis that, in turn, will create a refugee crisis in central Asia. Already, the fighting in the last eight months has displaced more than half a million Afghans.

People fleeing from the Taliban threaten to destabilize the region more generally. While Russia was happy to support the Taliban in a war against the U.S., now that its fighters are in charge of the country, Russia needs to keep the Taliban’s extremism from spreading to other countries in the area. So it is tentatively saying supportive things about the Taliban, but it is also stepping up its protection of neighboring countries’ borders with Afghanistan. Other countries are also leery of refugees in the region: large numbers of refugees have, in the past, led countries to turn against immigrants, giving a leg up to right-wing governments.

Canada and Britain are each taking an additional 20,000 Afghan women leaders, reporters, LGBTQ people, and human rights workers on top of those they have already volunteered to take, but Turkey—which is governed by strongman president Recep Tayyip Erdogan—is building a wall to block refugees, and French President Emmanuel Macron asked officials in Pakistan, Iran, and Turkey to prevent migrants reaching their countries from traveling any further. The European Union has asked its member states to take more Afghan refugees.

In the U.S., the question of Afghan refugees is splitting the Republican Party, with about 30% of it following the hard anti-immigrant line of former president Donald Trump. Others, though, especially those whose districts include military installations, are saying they welcome our Afghan allies.

The people fleeing the country also present a problem for those now in control of Afghanistan. The idea that people are terrified of their rule is a foreign relations nightmare, at the same time that those leaving are the ones most likely to have the skills necessary to help govern the country. But leaders can’t really stop the outward flow—at least immediately—because they do not want to antagonize the international community so thoroughly that it continues to withhold the financial aid the country so badly needs. So, while on the streets, Taliban fighters are harassing Afghans who are trying to get away, Taliban leaders are saying they will permit people to evacuate, that they will offer blanket amnesty to those who opposed them, and also that they will defend some rights for women and girls.

The Biden administration is sending more personnel to help evacuate those who want to leave. The president has promised to evacuate all Americans in the country—as many as 15,000 people—but said only that we would evacuate as many of the estimated 65,000 Afghans who want to leave as possible. The Taliban has put up checkpoints on the roads to the airport and are not permitting everyone to pass. U.S. military leaders say they will be able to evacuate between 5000 and 9000 people a day.

Today, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark A. Milley tried to explain the frantic rush to evacuate people from Afghanistan to reporters by saying: “There was nothing that I or anyone else saw that indicated a collapse of this army and this government in 11 days.” Maybe. But military analyst Jason Dempsey condemned the whole U.S. military project in Afghanistan when he told NPR's Don Gonyea that the collapse of the Afghan government showed that the U.S. had fundamentally misunderstood the people of Afghanistan and had tried to impose a military system that simply made no sense for a society based in patronage networks and family relationships.

Even with Dempsey’s likely accurate assessment, the statement that U.S. military intelligence missed that a 300,000 person army was going to melt away still seems to me astonishing. Still, foreign policy and national security policy analyst Dr. John Gans of the University of Pennsylvania speculated on Twitter that such a lapse might be more “normal”—his word and quotation marks—than it seems, reflecting the slips possible in government bureaucracy. He points out that the Department of Defense has largely controlled Afghanistan and the way the U.S. involvement there was handled in Washington. But with the end of the military mission, the Defense Department was eager to hand off responsibility to the State Department, which was badly weakened under the previous administration and has not yet rebuilt fully enough to handle what was clearly a complicated handoff. “There have not been many transitions between an American war & an American diplomatic relationship with a sovereign, friendly country,” Gans wrote. “Fewer still when the friendly regime disintegrates so quickly.” When things started to go wrong, they snowballed.

And yet, the media portrayal of our withdrawal as a catastrophe also seems to me surprising. To date, at least as far as I have seen, there have been no reports of such atrocities as the top American diplomat in Syria reported in the chaos when the U.S. pulled out of northern Syria in 2019. Violence against our Kurdish allies there was widely expected and it indeed occurred. In a memo made public in November of that year, Ambassador William V. Roebuck wrote that “Islamist groups” paid by Turkey were deliberately engaged in ethnic cleansing of Kurds, and were committing “widely publicized, fear-inducing atrocities” even while “our military forces and diplomats were on the ground.” The memo continued: “The Turkey operation damaged our regional and international credibility and has significantly destabilized northeastern Syria.”

Reports of that ethnic cleansing in the wake of our withdrawal seemed to get very little media attention in 2019, perhaps because the former president’s first impeachment inquiry took up all the oxygen. But it strikes me that the sensibility of Roebuck’s memo is now being read onto our withdrawal from Afghanistan although conditions there are not—yet—like that.

For now, it seems, the drive to keep the door open for foreign money is reining in Taliban extremism. That caution seems unlikely to last forever, but it might hold for long enough to complete an evacuation.

Much is still unclear and the situation is changing rapidly, but my guess is that keeping an eye on the money will be crucial for understanding how this plays out.

Meanwhile, the former president of Afghanistan, Ashraf Ghani, has surfaced in the United Arab Emirates. He denies early reports that he fled the country with suitcases full of cash.

—-

Notes:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/18/world/asia/ashraf-ghani-uae-afghanistan.html

https://www.worldbank.org/en/country/afghanistan/overview

https://asiatimes.com/2021/08/the-root-of-russias-fears-in-afghanistan/

https://www.sigar.mil/pdf/quarterlyreports/2021-07-30qr-section2-economic.pdf#page=14

https://www.reuters.com/article/usa-afghanistan-funding-int/u-s-other-aid-cuts-could-imperil-afghan-government-u-s-watchdog-idUSKBN2B72WJ

https://www.dw.com/en/eu-will-have-to-talk-to-taliban-but-wary-of-recognition/a-58890698

https://www.washingtonpost.com/us-policy/2021/08/17/treasury-taliban-money-afghanistan/

https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2021/08/18/business/afghanistan-lithium-rare-earths-mining/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/russia-taliban-afghanistan-putin/2021/08/17/af53a9ec-ff4c-11eb-87e0-7e07bd9ce270_story.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/08/18/afghanistan-kabul-taliban-live-updates/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/aid-groups-warn-of-possible-refugee-crisis-in-afghanistan-far-beyond-western-evacuation-plans/2021/08/18/0d7094fc-0058-11ec-825d-01701f9ded64_story.html

https://www.npr.org/2021/06/21/1008656321/how-does-the-u-s-help-afghans-hold-on-to-gains-while-withdrawing-troops

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/08/18/afghanistan-kabul-taliban-live-updates/

https://www.reuters.com/world/canada-accept-20000-vulnerable-afghans-such-women-leaders-human-rights-workers-2021-08-13

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/07/us/politics/memo-syria-trump-turkey.html

https://www.politico.com/news/2021/08/18/afghan-refugee-debate-fractures-gop-506135

​​https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/18/politics/us-must-rely-on-taliban-for-evacuation/index.html

John Gans @johngansjrFrom what I'm seeing and hearing, the reasons for the mess in Afghanistan might be far more 'normal' than many are suspecting/suggesting -- driven more by typical pathologies in government & Washington. More to be learned. But a few thoughts. 1/x

533 Retweets2,195 Likes

August 18th 2021

https://www.npr.org/2021/08/15/1027952034/military-analyst-u-s-trained-afghan-forces-for-a-nation-that-didnt-exist

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

[amphtaminedreams]

Farewell to Spooky Season, AHS Style: Lookbook no.12

Hi to anyone reading,

Happy belated Halloween!

I capitalise it because if I'm gonna recognise any day as sacred, it’s the spookiest one of the year! Halloween 2020 obviously hasn’t been as exciting as usual, parties and club nights being banned has meant there’s been far less opportunities to dress up, but I still managed to get out for the night before they announced the upcoming second lockdown and do a couple of spooky movie nights (and carve a pumpkin!)!

I originally intended for this lookbook to be last minute halloween costume inspo but I was lazy and didn’t manage to get it out on time-a lot of these looks minus the makeup and maybe an accessory or two could work on any day or night out so I thought I’d go ahead and post it now anyway. Celebrating the fashion moments of American Horror Story is something I’ve wanted to do for a while; it’s probably not the first show you’d think of for sartorial inspiration but Mr. Ryan Murphy has fucking fantastic taste in stylists and the first five seasons of AHS in particular, which I’ll be focussing on in this post, have given us SO many amazing looks. The man may be guilty of many things-subjecting us to the character of Will Schuester, trying to turn Richard Ramirez into a thirst trap, embarrassing everyone who raved about how good Scream Queens was when he wrote season 2-but costume related laziness is not one of them. We see more consistency in a Ryan Murphy character’s wardrobe than we do in their story arcs and I respect that because honestly, as much as I love joining in when it comes to ripping into his ability to cohesively bring an AHS season to a close when it airs, I’d probably be the same; if you put Lady Gaga in front of me and told me to write her lines I’d probably end up getting overly invested in what her character was going to be wearing in the scene too. 

So! Enough Ryan Murphy bashing from me! I’ll get on with it! Starting with 3 season 1 inspired looks:

Murder House: Elizabeth Short, Tate Langdon and Violet Harmon

-striped jumper from caitlinlark on Depop, kick flare jeans from ellagray-

When it comes to reflecting on season 1 of American Horror Story, all I can say do is thank the internet overlords that Tumblr has moved on from the romanticising school shooters and wearing normal people scare me tops phase to instead collectively taking the piss out of the “GO AWAY, TATE!”, “YOU’RE ALL THAT I WANTTT! YOU’RE ALL THAT I HAVEEE!” exchange. 

In terms of fashion *moments*, whilst season 1 doesn’t stand out as much as the seasons that come after, Violet and Tate’s wardrobes did give birth to a bit of a 90s grunge renaissance with their oversized knits and faded jeans and layering of textures. It did also give us good costumes in the form of Alexandra Breckenridge’s Moira O’Hara and Mena Suvari’s portrayal of the Black Dahlia, Elizabeth Short; unfortunately, I didn’t have a slutty maid costume lying around so I did the best I could at giving the outfit Elizabeth wears when she makes that fateful visit to the Murder House a modern, more party appropriate update.

In terms of season rankings, Murder House isn’t my favourite. It starts off really great but lulls a bit towards the end and I could never get behind Violet and Tate as a couple because you know, one of them is a school shooter who sexually assaults the other’s mum, and that’s a hurdle that I think most couples might struggle to get over irl. That being said, it was the season that started it all and showcased some of the most innovative writing and directing on TV, and it opened up a spot for horror on primetime television which as far as I know was kind of unheard of before then. Back when I first watched it, I had no idea what to expect not only because I’d never seen horror in a serial format but also because it seemed to be able to get away with the kind of storylines you’d expect network executives to fire people over. It introduced us to Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters and Denis O’Hare who would go on to make the show what it is today and more importantly, through Jessica’s glorious portrayal of Constance Langdon, provide us with an endlessly versatile meme format for this trying time.

Asylum: ‘60s Lana Winters, ‘70s Lana Winters, and Sister Mary Eunice McKee

-afghan coat from louisemarcella on Depop, red AA skater dress from julietramage, pink gingham co-ord from zshamim-

I think we can all agree: Asylum would’ve been a perfect series of television if it wasn’t for the completely unnecessary alien storyline. Like, I get that they fit in with the whole good vs. evil theme as a kind of non-biblical alternative to the idea of a higher, all-powerful being but there was already so much going on that it just wasn’t needed. Aside from that, I think the general consensus amongst watchers of the show is that Asylum has the best writing of any season and I think I’d tend to agree. It’s not my favourite because it’s too depressing to rewatch but if we’re talking the first time round, this is the series that had me hooked. Lana Winters?

Iconic. 

Sister Mary Eunice? Iconic. The Name Game? Iconic. Remember when you couldn’t go a day on Facebook without seeing that one photo of Naomi Grossman as Pepper used as the go to “what I really look like” photo in one of those “expectation vs. reality” style posts on your newsfeed? Those were simpler times.

Because this season was mostly situated within the hospital, we didn’t get that many proper outfits but when we did, they were stunning; if I had to state my absolute favourite AHS character of the entire show I’d probably go with Lana Winters and the part her wardrobe played in her characterisation would 100% play a part in that. The late 60s/early 70s was such a wonderful period for fashion and through her character we get to see both of those explored a little. Of course there’s also *that* Sister Mary Eunice scene with the red slip dress and suspenders too which yes, could be a perfect halloween costume, but I also strongly believe should be a perfectly acceptable outfit for any day of the year. 

Coven: Misty Day, Madison Montgomery, and Zoe Benson

-chiffon dress from rags_to_riches on Depop, pinstripe corset from hanpiercey, and tennis skirt from mollie_morton-

I hate to be a basic bitch but I have to say it: Coven is my favourite season of American Horror Story. Once you get over the complete waste of Evan Peters’ acting capabilities that resulted from the *choice* to have him play Kyle, the unnecessary rehash of the Evan/Taissa pairing from season 1 in what I can only assume was an attempt to capitalise on the popularity of the questionable Tate/Violet relationship, and the subsequent sacrifice of any interesting character arc we could’ve foreseen for Zoe Benson beyond her obsessing over a resurrected, non-verbal frat boy, it’s a perfect season. A supreme (heh) balance of horror, humour, and character drama, as well as the stunning aesthetics and forever quotable dialogue, make it my go-to season if I’m ever considering a rewatch. And if you disagree, let me jog your memory with the most mainstream (not to get all “normal people scare me” and suggest AHS is not a mainstream show, I literally just mean in the sense that even those who have never watched the show will have seen this)  reaction GIF set any FX show has even spawned:

Buzzfeed employees had a field day, Emma Roberts enthusiasts (I mean me) finally saw her cemented as the pop culture icon Scream Queens has since showed us she deserves to be (because not enough people have seen Unfabulous, Nancy Drew or Scream 4) and the gays everywhere rejoiced at the year’s worth of meme fodder they’d been provided with. It was Madison Montgomery’s world and we were truly just living in it.

And the fashion! I mean, Stevie Nicks meets 21st century teenage witches! Come on! 

Freakshow: Dandy Mott, Maggie Esmerelda and Elsa Mars

-olive green satin skirt from morganogle on Depop, headscarf from tonijordan, platform sandals from elliefewt, PVC skirt from bethpin_, corset top from sadieflinter, beret from house_of_erotique, flame detail platform boots from mad_rags_vintage-

When people talk about the declining quality of AHS, they usually point to Freakshow as the beginning of the end, but I have to completely disagree. I wasn’t a fan the first time round but on rewatch it’s probably the most emotional season of them all; no, there aren’t as many “horrifying” moments as in other seasons and Elsa is probably Jessica’s worst performance (which is still an incredible one by anybody else’s standards), however it makes up for it with the most sympathetic bunch of characters yet, and on the flip side, also one of the most amusingly depraved with Finn Wittrock’s Dandy Mott. Fans usually argue that the season went downhill once *SPOILER* Twisty the Clown was killed off but for me, he really primarily served as the catalyst for the far more interesting devolution of Dandy, who, imo, is the show’s strongest villain to date, rivalled only by Bloody Face. Then there was the episode Orphans too which made me cry buckets, the sole AHS episode to do so. 

We got a lot of great fashion content in this season too: the theatrical opulence of Elsa Mars’ wardrobe, “Maggie”’s nomadic fortune teller costumes, and all those twee suits we saw Finn Wittrock in. Highly underrated if you ask me. It seems an odd choice for me to use Elsa’s Dominatrix look as an inspiration for one of my looks here when we have that Life on Mars performance outfit and all the extravagant robes Jessica got to waltz around in for reference buuuut I didn’t really have anything to do the vibrancy of either of those justice so I went with the black leather option which is much more me. Am I saying I moonlight as a dominatrix? Maybe. Lol, no. I wish. It’s not for lack of trying. WHERE ARE ALL THE GENUINE TWITTER PAYPIGS AT!? Your girl wants to insult creepy men and get some new clothes out of it xoxo

Hotel: Hypodermic Sally, Liz Taylor, and The Countess

-silk white bralet from xlibby_maix on Depop-

Hotel is another season that I liked a lottttt more upon rewatch, once I knew I was okay to tune out the (completely predictable and utterly nonsensical) Ten Commandments Killer storyline that so much of the season initially seems to hinge on. I love Chloë Sevigny but the fact that her and Wes Bentley’s wooden John and Alex Lowe are positioned as the protagonists at the expense of the far more interesting Liz Taylor, James March and Hypodermic Sally really does a disservice to what is an otherwise great season upon initial viewing.

The visuals this season are magnificent and I think if I had to pick one character’s wardrobe to steal from the entire cast of AHS characters, it would be The Countess (a toss up between her and Misty Day tbh, so I kinda just settle for low-key channelling both). No fucking idea where I'd wear any of her clothes to but I’d make it work. Liz Taylor and Hypodermic Sally have some amazing looks too-there’s just honestly so much to choose from; that being said, this post wouldn’t be complete without a specific ode to the vampire goddess Elizabeth Bathory, who is everything I want to be in life minus the murderous qualities:

Everything. EVER-Y-THING. LOOK AT HER!

Lady Gaga is really a fucking goddess isn’t she. And people were claiming before they’d even seen it that she couldn’t act? A patriarchal society doesn’t like women that can do it all. Just saying. 

Anyways!

That’s it for now! I hope you enjoyed the post if you did read til the end! Sorry I couldn’t get this out before Halloween, I was typing and Picmonkey-ing madly from 2 in the afternoon on the 31st but I taking fucking forever to get ready and had to abandon all hope of getting it out on the day by 4PM. I’ve got so much content planned and it sucks because a couple of them are lookbooks which now feel completely redundant given we’re heading into a second lockdown, but maybe I should just do it anyway? The grunge inspired moodboard I just did seemed to get a good reception too so I’ve got some more of them planned. 

As always, hope everyone is keeping well, and feel free to inbox me with any suggestions, queries or even just to say hi if you need someone to talk to! I check here quite a lot so I should see it. Lots of love to everyone in this time!

Lauren x

[dansnaturepictures]

05/09/2021-Blog 1 of 2: Wonderful waders, Wheatears and more at Lymington and home: My first Curlew Sandpiper of the year and more

On a very sunny and warm day I enjoyed Woodpigeon in the garden, bee coming in my room briefly and loved seeing lots of Small White butterflies in the back garden especially one I got close to when walking through to go out this afternoon which I took the second picture in this photoset of where I also enjoyed the flowers in the garden again especially hebe and sedum starting to come into flower and noticing some fleabane in the garden one of the flowers I am most fond of seeing outside for the first time seeing this lovely yellow one in the garden so another big garden flower highlight for me this year. I also took the third picture in this photoset of a red flower and on the way back through the garden with it still very sunny when back home I took the final two pictures in this photoset of flowers in the garden enjoying the alyssum and chrysanthemum again too.

We then came to Lymington in pursuit of Curlew Sandpiper and Little Stint that had been around as always key September bird targets for us. Fitting for the day #WildflowerHour occurs on Twitter as is so often the case I had a strong botanical start to the walk as I noticed more lovely sea aster on the fringes of Eight Acre pond at Salterns Sailing Club where we parked near a flower I noticed within this reserve but further along at Pennington for the first time this year last weekend and then I saw it’s purple and yellow lookalike some stunning Michaelmas daisies glowing in the sunshine as we got onto the path including the one in the fourth picture in this photoset I took today. I first ever saw these here and they are one of my favourite flowers to look for in late summer and early autumn at such areas. Also one I knew before my big delve into flowers. So it was lovely to see them today. I also saw the key for the area rock samphire my first of the year of these too beautiful quirky shaped green flowers and as the walk went on ragwort, bindweed, yarrow, carrot and the first broad-leaved clover I’d seen in a while looked great.

Walking on towards Normandy lagoon where the two wader targets of ours were reported at and I saw my first of a long stream of glorious Wheatears this afternoon. It was exceptional to see this exotic and striking species flying around and settled on the ground and on posts, including the path and the bits of land on the lagoon. I very much enjoyed seeing some of the most I ever had of them in one day for this migrant that is passing back through areas like these on the way back to Africa currently that I have seen so much of this year quite notable for a bird I was seeming to see a little less of the past couple of years perhaps so this is really encouraging. I got the sixth picture in this photoset of one among others I tweeted on Dans_Pictures tonight. We saw another colourful delight around this area when a smashing Kingfisher darted around over the lagoon and channel beside it the first I’d seen for a little while and key bird here so this was great. I also saw my first of a strong amount of Curlews today at this point probably my most at once this year which again is very encouraging for this species who’s decline and struggles have been well documented with them flying around a lot and seen still. I took the fifth picture in this photoset of one. 

Then we had the moment of the day when on Normandy lagoon we spotted the almost snow white plumage of the juvenile Curlew Sandpiper on Normandy lagoon as it was illuminated by the bright sun. It was special to make out its splendid patterned back too. We got one of our best ever views of this species building brilliantly on last year’s some of my best ever views at Farlington Marshes in September. I took the first and seventh pictures in this photoset of this bird. It was extraordinary to watch this wonderful bird sparkle as it waded in the shallows of the lagoon and rested on the shingle  nicely too with Dunlin and Ringed Plover around nicely for comparisons particularly of size with the Curlew Sandpiper considerably bigger. I was in my element watching this species some amazing views of one of my birds of the year and my first of the species in 2021. Fittingly for a bird that was involved here in at the time my 2014 year list overtaking my 2013 one to become my then highest year list, it took my 2021 year list to 177 levelling my 2014 total to make it my joint sixth highest ever year list with my totals in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2020 and 2016 higher than this with the final totals in that order. Another amazing moment with my year list this year and something I am so pleased to get to. And I feel so very lucky and humbled to be able to say that it means its another month that I have now definitely got at least one bird year tick in, my chain of getting at least one year tick in every month since November 2015 goes on. It was great to see both Curlew and Curlew Sandpiper well today not something I’d noticed happening a lot before I may have seen Curlews on the same day as Curlew Sandpipers as it’s always the right habitat but it hasn’t stuck in my mind before.

It’s remarkable over the years how many times on the same day as seeing my first Curlew Sandpiper of the year I see my first Little Stint of the year too or it’s the next year tick after it or the one before they are both around at the same time of year after all and are a real due for me. We then walked around the rest of the lagoon getting quite near to Lymington town to see if we could see the Little Stints that had been around too but we didn’t manage it today. We did see some more incredible waders though. With very big numbers of Ringed Plover and Redshank throughout the afternoon and some Redshanks on the mudflats with the tide out mostly were making a racket which was so delightful to hear with their high-pitched call and it was noticeable to some other people walking which was interesting, the former one of my birds of the weekend after seeing them yesterday at Hill Head too. There were also loads and loads of slick looking Greenshank today, as there quite often is at this time of year. It was fantastic to see them with memorable views of three together on the lagoon and one flying on the mudflats the other side of the sea wall from the lagoon too which I hadn’t often seen before and I photographed as tweeted tonight I have had a top few weeks for these as one of my stars of Rutland Water when we went last month and had a good year for them. Spotted Redshank were on the lagoon too. On the shore with some Redshanks and then later behind the fence of the lagoon quite close to us with a Lapwing was a shiny golden Bar-tailed Godwit with its upturned beak and name providing marking on its tail feathers. A wonderful bird to see another of my birds of the year which it was thrilling to see again in 2021 and I felt so lucky. I took the eighth picture in this photoset of one. 

Wildlife Sightings Summary: My first Curlew Sandpiper of the year, two of my favourite birds the Little Egret and Kingfisher, Redshank, Spotted Redshank, Greenshank, Black-tailed Godwit, Bar-tailed Godwit, Curlew, Oystercatcher, Lapwing, Dunlin, Ringed Plover, great views of Grey Herons I took a picture of one with my bridge camera which starred today rather I took all but two of my many bird photos today with it which reminded me of the first picture I ever produced with the bridge camera I believe in this month three years ago of a Grey Heron at Titchfield Haven I don’t think I envisaged at that stage how important this second camera would become for me with all the help for birds further away and with ID so its exciting to celebrate the three years for me, Cormorant, Black-headed Gull, lots of Herring Gulls including many young, Mallard, Tufted Duck with a shine in its eye, Wheatear, great views of Stonechat and Reed Bunting too, Whitethroat, Feral Pigeon, strong view of a large Raven, a Swallow nicely fairly late on at the place I saw my first of the year on Easter Sunday which seems an age ago now, Small White, Brimstone, Small Heath out late as they often are at this type of habitat, another butterfly I couldn’t quite see what either Peacock or Red Admiral and dragonflies I couldn’t quite see which as they were flying fast.

My next post has some landscape pictures I took today and more reflections on the day.    

[a-forgotten-spirit]

Love Isn’t An Illusion (2)

Credit to Rightful Owners

Pairing: Todoroki x Bakugou, Todoroki x Reader x Bakugou VERY SLOW BUILD

Summary: Dealing with parents, picking out hero names, Aizawa helping find an agency.

Words: +- 6600

Warnings: Bad parenting, Bad parents, pictures of you online from the festival, parents don’t listen, parents being manipulative, anxiety, overthinking, thoughts of failure, pressure, stress, getting up in front of a class, presenting hero names, shaking hands, description of a heartbeat, stuttering, no friends (yet), quiet kid. This is based on the real my hero academia show, scenes will be in here as well. 

Tagged:  @kittycatspervertedheart​ @lemorrite​ @gwendlynn​ @marleps​ @thicctati2​ @saitamastamaticsoup​ @succulent-momma​ @aurorahoneybuns​ @imjusttireddudes​ @misconceptualised​

A/N:  I wrote this for the fans. I do not own My Hero academia or the characters, I don’t own most of the plot for this story, I had watched the show and re-written the dialogue and plot as if the reader was the main character. Everything is centred around the reader. Please comment, makes me happy. Ask if you wish to be tagged. 

Masterlist Chapter 1 ________________________________________________________________

Chapter 2 - 

“I won the festival mum” I spoke into the silence of the car. I look down to my medal, I was proud of myself even if she was not. Why did I think she was going to care, why did I think she’d watch me. She didn’t care for my achievements I did everything myself. 

“What festival,” she asked in a bored tone not interested in the topic at all, did she not care at all. I had been going on about the festival for weeks, months. Ever since I got into UA, ever since I was recommended and she still didn’t know what I was talking about. 

“The UA sports festival” I had to grit my teeth to stop from lunging out and screaming my lungs out. My hands clenched in my lap as we drove, her body relaxed and not paying attention to what I was saying. 

“Oh yes I have heard about that, a few women at work were talking about. Said they saw you on it” my head turned so she did know I was there. “Yes, it’s good you got your five seconds of fame young” was she kidding. Was this some kind of sick joke. 

“I won” she hummed “The festival, I won it. I beat everyone” as I was talking, a call came through the car alerting my mother who shushed me and answered it within a second. She didn’t care what I had done. I had a different quirk to both my parents I had suspected being adopted but that's not the case if it was, I doubt my parents would still have me but I was told my grandfather had something similar, skipped a generation I guessed. 

The rest of the ride was slow and my mother having a conversation to one of her colleagues about a new intern who they both didn’t seem to like, I would bet my life that the intern didn’t like them back. Once home I quickly got my things and went inside, my father sitting at the table on his laptop. 

“How was your day Y/N” his voice was formal and he too didn’t seem impressed. My mother came in only seconds after and her heels could be heard throughout the hallway with each step of her foot. Her bags were placed down and she walked in hearing his question. 

I wasn’t able to answer as she sighed and looked over to my father who raised an eyebrow in question “I had to pick her up from school, her teachers asked me too after they went to that festival thing” after I competed in it and would be tired, I wanted to yell.

“Oh you got to go with school, that's exciting. A few people at work commented you were on TV, did they do a camera pan for the crowd” he was looking at his laptop once more as I stood in silence. Did they not watch a second of the festival. Could they not even spare three seconds to see I was still in uniform, the uniform of the most sorts out school in the world? 

“She even got a medal for participation in something” my mother nodded getting herself a glass of water, my knuckles were white from how tight I was holding my bag, even their so-called friends had seen me and they said nothing. I could be on the news, in papers maybe then they would see. 

I didn’t dwell, I was tired and losing brain cells as well as my interest in the conversation rather quickly, I had not worked my ass off all day for both of them to pretend I did nothing because they didn’t care. “I'm going to bed, it’s been a long day” I didn’t get anything in return. 

Making my way to my room I walked in placing my bags down and then moving to go into my bathroom, my parents didn’t want me invading their space so I had one connected. They just didn’t want to see me. I didn’t blame them, I didn’t want to see them either. Stripping I threw my clothes in the hamper I looked in the mirror and could see tired E/C pearls looking back at me. I shook my head and moved to shower, opening the door, not even a squeak was released, I stepped in, turning on the cold water only I shivered to feel the waterfall down my back in a gentle caress. This was nice, it was quite nice. The cold of the water made my body feel clean and nice. A simple wash down and cleaning of my hair I sighed and looked up to the ceiling. 

“They didn’t even notice” I laughed and shook my head, said body part falling as I laughed again. My hand moved before I realised and turned off the water, it had been long enough in my thoughts I had decided and left the shower little water droplets falling from my hair and body. 

A fluffy towel twisted my hair and another placed on my body I left the bathroom and made my way to my drawers. Picking out an oversized jumper, it was still fluffy on the inside and some underwear, that was enough for me. I sighed, I was tired and didn’t want to dry myself so opted for getting out my phone and laying down as I waited for the water to clear off my skin. Turning on my phone I had no messages and when I clicked on twitter I saw my face plastered the first article. People guessing how my quirk was used and how strong I can be. My smile only grew as Pro heroes commented on my strength and usefulness to each of them. This lasted a long while until my eyes began to droop and I deemed it time to get dressed. Once dressed I easily snuggled into bed checking three times my phone was on the charge as I had not put it on far too many times and that my alarms were on. I fell into a deep and dreamless slumber. 

Waking up to an annoying noise I looked overseeing my phone blaring at me and with a groan of tiredness and annoyance I swiped to turn off my alarm. Getting up I swung my legs over the side of the bed and thanked myself for showering the night prior as I did not feel up to it this morning though I did go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair. I packed my bag with all the things I needed from my room and got dressed for school, tucking my shirt into my skirt and smiling at my reflection, it was the best it was gonna get and I was okay with that. Taking my bag I went downstairs and into the kitchen seeing my parents both on their phones and eating. 

Once in the kitchen I began to make my food, a cute little bento would be good for today I thought. “Y/N,” my mother asked and I stopped turning to her as she held up her phone a video of me competing in the festival was playing “You didn’t tell me you were famous” she gushed and I rolled my eyes, of course, she didn’t care. 

“I won the festival, I'm going to be on the news” I answered and her smile only seemed to grow. My fathers as well, why did the look so excited. They couldn’t care less yesterday and now they seemed to be vibrating with excitement.

“I’m going to post it and let everyone know I’m your mother” she smiled and then began to type. I yelled a stop but it fell on deaf ears “People will want to interview you and everything, this could be so good for work. Yours too honey, make a post about how proud we are” that’s what they cared about. “I’ll even drive you to school, it’s raining after all” she got up. 

“Mum I’m not talking to anyone about me competing, it’s over. That’s it, done” I stated but she ignored me and told me to hurry up or she’d be late for work, I sighed my anger and packed my bento making my way to the car and getting in. “I wasn’t joking school doesn’t want us doing anything. It was to show our quirks for agencies” I explained and she just continued to go on about how good it would be for her and not so much me. 

I didn’t care at this point. 

Coming to school I simply just got out of the car and walked into school, I got a little wet but I was too angry to care right now. I just wanted today to be over with but then again I didn’t want to have to go back home so it was a loss either way. Placing my belongings in my lockers I made my short trip to class. Walking in I could hear people talking and I moved to my seat, sitting down in silence. No one noticed my attendance as I looked down at my desk. I could hear people in the class say strangers asked for photos and to talk, then Sero saying some kids made fun of him. I felt bad but had to admit it was kinda funny. 

The door opened with a slight bang and everyone ran to their seats, Aizawa walked in “Morning” and walked to the centre of class as everyone greeted him. Tsu pointing out that indeed his bandages were gone from USJ. I was sad that I wasn’t able to attend that day as I was very sick and had stayed back at school by the nurses' order. I could’ve helped and instead not just sat at school. “You need codenames, time to pick your hero identities” everyone seemed excited as he continued saying that is was beneficial and that it isn’t usually important until the second or third year but by letting first years it allows the Pros to invest in you. I couldn’t comment I wished people took pride in my work and I hoped I got offers. 

“So what you’re saying is that we will still have to prove ourselves after we’ve gotten recruited,” Toru asked her voice soft but high pitched. Aizawa agreed to her comment and I couldn’t help but shake. Sure people in the crowd liked me but they could have been saying that or that they were being nice while others were around, my parents did that frequently. With a clenched fist under my desk, I tried to pay attention. 

“Now here are the totals for those of you who got offers” I looked up quickly as the name came onto the board. I was first and my mouth dropped 4591 offers for me. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face in happiness. People wanted me as real heroes wanted me. This was the best day of my life. Todoroki came in second with 4123 offers, I was a few hundred higher than him and at that thought, I smiled wider. Bakugou with 3556 though that might be because of his anger and loud personality. Tokoyami with 360, Iida with 301, Kaminari with 272, Yaoyorozu with 108 though she wasn’t able to show off her true strength which I felt bad for, she was so strong. Kirishima with 68, Uraraka with 20 and Sero with 14. I was surprised Uraraka didn’t have more but she did go up against Bakugou so I couldn’t blame them. “In past years it’s been more spread out but there’s a pretty big gap this time” he wasn’t wrong. After Bakugou it dropped a few thousand when he should be dropping a hundred at most. 

My peers began to talk “I’m not surprised Y/N got the most” Jirou spoke “But Todoroki got the second most, ahead of Bakugou” she was right he had thought it was most likely to my previous thought. He was aggressive and loud, didn’t like to follow rules that are hard for a Pro to stand. 

Others stated it was his anger and that no Pro wanted to work with him “If I scared a Pro they’re just weak” Bakugou had screamed in anger, arms across his chest and eyes wide. He wasn’t wrong, I had to admit if a Pro was afraid of a first-year they had some thinking to do. 

Yaoyorozu complimented Todoroki but his face dropped in anger “These offers are most likely because of my father” he had a point. Pro’s would naturally want someone who already had heroes in their family. 

Uraraka was throwing Iida back and forth, tears in her eyes as she cried out “People want us” I smiled that she was happy with her score even if it wasn’t a lot she was still overjoyed. No one spoke to me and I was grateful, I hadn’t even had anyone in mind not thinking anyone would want me but this means I made an impact. 

“Despite these results, you will all be interning with Pros. Got it. Even those of you who didn’t get any offers” that was good news for the people who didn’t. I was nervous for who wanted me, I would have to talk to Aizawa about this at a later time. “The hero names will most likely be temporary but take them seriously or” the door to the room was opened as Aizawa was interrupted.

“They’ll have hell to pay later” as she walked in, I couldn’t help but think she had waited at the door for the perfect moment to make an entrance. Kaminari, Sero and Mineta were all wide-eyed and happy as she walked in. Her outfit was revealing but she was still covered. My hero uniform as well, something. Midnight's heels clicked on the ground as she walked in “what you pick today could be your code name for life” a rush of anxiety ran through my body. I hadn’t even thought of a name for myself. “You better be careful or you’ll be stuck with something utterly decent” her hands were behind her head as she walked, hips swaying side to side. I had seen some articles on her and the public didn’t seem to like her very much but her quirk was useful I had to admit. 

“Yeah, she's got a good point” Aizawa commented and I nodded subconsciously, she did have a good point. It’s what the world would know you as, what people would call when they saw you. That’s what your legacy would be. “Midnight is going to have final approval over your names. It’s not my forte” I thought his name was pretty cool, it fit him well but maybe he regretted it. “The name you give yourself is important, it helps reinforce your image and shows what kind of hero you want to be in the future. A code name shows people exactly what you represent. Take All Might for example” 

I was then passed a notepad and pen, what could I be called. I looked at the paper as people began to write and I looked around it seemed most had an idea. I hadn’t thought about it if I was honest. The squeaking was heard around the room as they scribbled down names. “Now students who among you is ready to share” my head raised, we had to tell the class. I thought we would show them and she would either say yes or no, that was not the case. 

Aoyama got up and smiled “Hold your breath” he pulled his board up but not facing us “The shining hero” then the board was thrust into the air “My name is I can not stop twinkling” his handwriting wasn’t too bad but the name was quite long and I didn’t expect people to remember nor care for saying the whole thing. “You can’t deny my sparkle” he was quite confident though I couldn’t blame him. 

“It’ll be better this way, take out the I and shorten the, can not too can't" she was letting him have that, oh well he seemed to like it. I looked down at my blank board pen still in hand. I had no idea what would be good. 

“It's stunning” at least he was happy with it. It’s what he wanted to go by and going first in the class took a lot of guts so I applaud him for that. ‘Can’t Stop Twinkling’ I still thought would be shortened but then again as long as he was being complimented I didn’t think he would mind.  

Ashido was next, I still hadn’t apologised for out fight but she jumped around happily so she seemed fine “Okie Dokie me next” her arms came down showing off her board her hero name loud and in bold letters “My code name Alien Queen” it fit her look and her quirk, I thought it was cute and would be easy to remember. 

“Hold on like that horrible monster with the acidic blood” Midnight look terrified as the image came to her mind, eyes wide and body shaking. I hadn’t even thought of that but I couldn’t see it personally but from the look on her pale face told another story. What kind of hero did I want to be known as? “I don’t think so” Ashidos’ face fell as did her board as she walked back to her seat, her quirk and look would help her find a name and I was sure she could do it.

I felt like I had to create something amazing, I won the sports festival. My name was already plastered everywhere not to mention my quirk was now the talk of the news and fans. I sighed lowly, quiet. I had to have a good name, nothing was coming to mind. It felt as though my mind was moving too quickly and too slowly all at once, how was that even possible. My quirk wasn’t flashy nor was it something you could see appearance-wise so I had nothing to go off with that. 

“Ribbit, I think I’ve got one, am I ok to go next” turning my head slightly I heard the light croaky voice of Su, she had asked me to call her that in our first conversations. I wasn’t one for honorific or last names either. I liked my first name, it was fine. Right? What could be my hero name? I was writing things down then immediately erasing them. I hadn’t even thought of naming myself. 

“Come on up” Midnight seemed to enjoy her job of picking names, her own being one of my favourites. My eyes dragged along with Sus’ form as she waddled her way to the front of the class. Another thing I was stressing about, I didn’t like everyone staring at me. The illusion was a good quirk, I could hide quite easily. I had done it a lot when I was younger, hiding from bullies, classmates and even my parents. 

“I’ve had this name in mind since grade school” her voice was so calming in a strange kinda forest way. Though what made my body tense is that she had this name for a while. Did people think about this, I hadn’t. I shook my head and continued to listen to “Rainy season Hero: Froppy” I smiled, it was cute and fit her features and quirk. I could see people liking the name and it would be easy to remember. 

“That’s delightful it makes you sound approachable. What a great example of a name everyone will love” I had to agree, it was a good name. As well as being in Japan having ‘The Rainy Season’ as a title was something to boast. She would do well with that name. I ignored her going back to her seat and looked down to my blank board, I didn’t want to be the last but I also didn’t want to have to go back to the front of the class. I inwardly groaned and gripping the board tighter and shaking, this was a lot of pressure. 

“I got mine too, the sturdy hero. My name is a red riot” it fit Kirishima, he was quite red. His whole outfit and look were based on the colour. His personality fitting the bright colour. Though the name sounded familiar somehow. Had he mentioned it before, no, right?  

“Red Riot, interesting” Midnight commented, she liked it from the look she was giving. It was a cool name, something the fans would like and being a sturdy hero made trust form. “You’re paying respect to the chivalrous hero Crimson Riot yes” she questioned in curiosity. That’s why it sounded familiar, it was close to another’s heroes name. 

“That’s right, he may be old school but someday I wanna be just like he was. Crimson is my idol” he was a good person to look up too, a good hero who helped many people. I couldn’t blame him for liking the guy. Midnight seemed impressed too with the small smile and nodding as he spoke. 

With a hum and another short nod, she leaned to one side “If you are bearing the name of someone you admire. You have that much more to live up too” she wasn’t wrong when people heard the name they would do the same thing I did and recognise the name. Though I was positive Kirishima would be an amazing hero, he was passionate, thoughtful and caring. Everyone would love him when he became a Pro. 

With a determined smile and a fist raised in the promise he replied “I accept the challenge”, he was so passionate and I couldn’t help the small smile that made its way to my face. I wish I had that kind of confidence when speaking about myself in later life. I knew I could become a great hero but home life was a major factor for me and it brought my mood down a lot but, once I was out and about I was sure I’d be an amazing hero. 

I looked down to my board and saw the blank piece. I could hear a few people talking but I ignored the commotion but my head did rise at the sound of Jirou making her way to the front of the room “I'm Hearing Hero, Earphone Jack” it was simple and fit the need. 

“That’s a good one” Midnight nodded and wrote something down on her piece of paper. I didn’t just have to come up with a name but also what kind of Hero I wanted to be. 

What kind of hero could I even be? I shook my head again trying to clear my thoughts and licked my lips, they were too dry. My throat was too dry, my heart was racing. The panic attack hero might work best for me. I had to work on my confidence, I was so confident in the sports’ festival but now when I was nobody I had nothing to boast off. 

“The tentacle hero: Tentacole” Shoji’s quirk was so cool and so useful. Making duplicates would be a blessing in the field. I tried writing names down but nothing looked good or felt right. I continued to erase and then rewrite, erase then rewrite. 

“The taping hero, Cellophane” Sero quirk would be useful in the field too, he could be able to bring civilians to him like in the cavalry battle with Bakugou. He could swing around and get to places much faster than most. His name was good too, it fits the quirk and his elbows did look like the tape holders. Every time someone went up I knew I was one person closer to the end, one person closer to having to present. I could see Midnight look over a few times but I looked away. 

“Martial Arts hero Tailman” well it fit his quirk, at least he had something physical to go off. His tail was pure muscle, my eyes running down it and I groaned lightly. Why couldn’t I have something easy to go off of. 

“I’m the sweets hero, Sugarman” what was his quirk again, he had spoken about it before. I pondered for a moment and then nodded to myself. His quirk was called sugar rush. If he ate a lot of sugar he then had a lot of energy. Another good quirk for the field and another person down. 

“Pinky” Ashido yelled into the classroom her fist raised to the sky. I had to get up soon, I had to present. I had to have something, my mind was blank. How could I not come up with a single thing? Not one name, all I could think about was how many people were left, how many people would be looking at me. I had to be more confident. I knew I could create an illusion to do it for me but Midnight wouldn’t be impressed. Though did she have to know? I could do this, right? 

“Stun-Gun hero, I am Chargebolt” my head fell, why did that sound cool. Did my name have to sound cool, I was having a mental breakdown and a half over here while people were just having fun with this. “Electric doncha think” he smiled. Midnight had loved everyone's’ hero names, I didn’t want to be sent back. It had to be a hero and then have a name. My hand shook as I looked back down to my board. 

“The stealth hero invisible girl” it was a bit to plain in my opinion but then again her quirk was just that. I wondered how she made it into the course, recommendation most likely, she wouldn’t be able to do much against physical attacks. She was nice to me that one time so I smiled, she may have been looking anywhere else but just in case her eyes did drift to my own. Midnight liked it too. 

Midnight called for the next person and Yaoyorozu walked up to the front of the class head high and proud “I hope I can live up to this name” her soft voice flitted through the room loud and clear. “I’m the everything hero, I am Creati,” she said seriously. I felt my heart sink just a little more, that one sounded cool too. Another one Midnight liked. 

Next was Todoroki, he could do many different names with his quirks and looks. I had heard girls talking about his looks and demeanour, I had to admit. He was stunning. The calm silent type was one of my types. “Shoto” he whispered out. Was that not his first name?

Midnight walked over hands on her hips as they swayed, leaning over the board she questioned his choices. I’m sure everyone was “Just your name” it was plain but if he felt comfortable who was I to judge. Midnight looked up to his blank face “Is that it” he nodded and she allowed it. Could I do my name, no that would be copying? 

“Jet-Black hero, Tsukuyomi” Tokoyami called out, was he smiling or frowning I couldn’t tell. Though his words were said with such passion and vigour I had to smile at the name. Midnight moaned and agreed. One less person. 

The little perv walked to the front board has to be held over his head, he wasn’t tall enough to reach the stage. I tilted my head, was he my age. “I’m the freshly picked hero, Grape Juice” when his words were spoken I felt a shiver go down my spine, not in a good way either. Another name Midnight liked. 

I read Koda’s sign, a man of few words. “Petting Hero, Anima” even though he looked big and scary I didn’t doubt he was having the same problem I was at this very moment though, he had the guts to get up while my legs shook. It was allowed. 

Bakugou stomped his way to the front of the class, face angry and I swear his teeth had sharpened, holding his board I could see his handwriting. It was neat though bold. “King Explosion Murder” I smiled, it fits him so well. Though I don’t think to have the word ‘murder’ in your hero name was going to be allowed. 

“I’m going to say that one’s a little too violent” my prediction was correct, my heart had slowed that someone had been rejected. I still had at least one person in front of me. Bakugou yelled in anger, hands coming out to his sides as he did, it was a cool name. A bit too much but cool nonetheless. 

“Why don’t you be explosion boy” Kirishima smiled and yelled out, it would fit his quirk but not who he was as a person. As a person? A thought came to my brain and I wrote the hero and name down on the board. That was it, that’s who I was. 

“You shut up weird hair” I could hear over my writing, I held the board close to my chest. I had found a name and it fit. She would like it, no doubt about it. Everyone would know my name. I heard a chair being pushed and soon enough Uraraka walked passed my table. Midnight turned back and I looked down to my board and nodded. She smiled. 

Uraraka walked up and then placed her board down “This is the name I thought of, Uravity” she sounded as nervous as she looked but just as before with Koda, she was able to get to the front of the class, unlike myself. I would go next, I could do this. Midnight praised her hero name and she made her way back to her seat. A sigh of relief living her lips. 

Midnight spoke of the people who still needed to do there’s and I stood up quickly clutching my board as though my life depended on it. I walked up to my head low and heart racing. I was nervous Jirou could hear my heartbeat, it felt like my whole body was moving with the thumps. Once in front of the class I looked down to the board and doubt filled my mind, it wasn’t that good, it wasn’t like Tsu or Kaminari. My hands shook and I noticed a few eyes falling to them. 

“I” I began and everyone was silent. How could I be a hero, if I couldn’t even talk to my class? I sighed out and breathed in looking over the class. “I thought of” I stuttered and could see Bakugous’ eyes fall to my hands. I was shaking, barely able to hold the board. Midnight went to walk forward and I swallowed. “The deception hero, Illusionist” I spoke out clearly, not a single stutter. 

“I love it” Midnight shouted and came to rub my back in praise. Others joined in saying it fit and they liked the sound and the name. I sighed all the air from my lungs and nodded, smiling. I made my way back to my seat and calm rushed over my form. I was so glad I never had to do that again. Looking back down to the neat writing, printed perfectly I smiled. The deception hero, Illusionist. That’s me. I have a hero name, I will be a hero. 

Iida walked up, he had been quiet, since the festival. I watched as he walked up to the front of the room, he had a very good quirk to being a hero. I wonder why he had to leave, I had heard some things but nothing being completely true. He showed the board it was his first name, Midnight questioned but it was passed. If she passed one she had to pass the other, Iida looked sad and I wanted to help but stayed silent, it wasn’t my place. 

Midoriya was called up, a bandage on his arm and fingers. He got pretty beat up at the festival no one could lie about that but it was also all in his own doing. When the board turned around my reactions were the same as the class. Mineta, Kaminari and Kirishima voicing my thoughts. I mean it was an insult. 

“I used to hate it but then something changed. I guess, someone taught me that it could have a different meaning and that had a huge impact on how I felt so now I like it” he was looking down as if remembering something from a while ago, a memory of why he liked the name perhaps. “Deku, that has to be my codename” he held up his work proudly and I smiled. As long as he liked it. I knew Bakugou wouldn’t be impressed. It was passed. 

“Lord explosion murder” was Bakugous’ next try, it wasn’t allowed. As Midnight said it was almost the same thing, she wasn’t wrong though I loved that Bakugou. Still, the problem was not the word ‘King’ and more so ‘Murder’ and with that, the bell rang. 

-

“Now that everyone is done picking their hero names, we can talk about your upcoming internships” Aizawa was back teaching us, sleeping back discarded next to the desk and I noticed his eyes drift to it a few times. He was tired, perhaps a night shift, he was a Pro after all. “It’ll last for one week as for who you’ll be working with. Those of you on the board will choose from among your offers as for everyone else, there is a different list” Aizawa held up a piece of paper though I thought back to all my offers. I had so many to choose from. “You have a lot to think about, there are around forty agencies around the country who agreed to take on interns from your class. Each agency has a different specialty that its heroes focus on. Keep that in mind” I could fit in anywhere. I could make an illusion to fit into anywhere anyone needed me too. 

“Imagine that you were thirteen, you’d want to choose a place that focuses on rescuing people not fighting villains, understand” Midnight explained and my thoughts raced. Where could I fit in, I didn’t want to be thrown aside or used for a week. I wanted to get my name out there, someone who didn’t want an intern but a sidekick for a week. Someone who treated me like a person and not a tool. 

“Think carefully before you decide” everyone agreed and then pages were handed out. I had numbers and names, agencies and what they focused on. I wish I was someone who could go home and talk to my parents but they’d just tell me to go with the one with the most money. I would ask to speak to Aizawa. “Turn in your choices before the weekend” that wasn’t a lot of time. My eyes ran over the multitude of names, some I already was saying no. The ones were more focused on fame and glory not helping people. I crossed them out, there were ten at a push. Two days was not enough but hopefully, with the help of Aizawa, I would be able to pick. We were then dismissed. 

Midoriya was going off into his little world as he went through what to do. I went to look through my names some I recognised, some not so much. I sighed out and turned the page, there was so many to go through. I had no idea what to do. People were leaving as I stayed in place. Once everyone was gone I picked up my things and then packed my bag. I flicked through the pages again, shook my head. This was a lot to take in. I was flattered for the offers of course but I still had no idea what to do.  

Walking up to the teachers' lounge I knocked on the door, hearing a reply I walked in head low. At seeing so many Pros. I bowed, hands shaking. “Have you already picked?” Aizawa asked from his chair. I stood and shook my head. 

“I was hoping to get some help,” I asked and walked forward. I could see a few people had already turned in theirs and it seemed I had interrupted his talk with a Pro though he didn’t say anything. “I would also like to apologise for my parents” I had seen their tweets and messages. A few teachers stopped to listen. “My parents are very” I paused and rubbed my shoulder “Self-centred. I won’t go to the interviews, I promise they just want to boost themselves” I bowed again. 

It was silent “I was going to say asking a parent may help but with the way you were picked up from the festival, I don’t blame you” Aizawa nodded and pointed to the chair next to him. Making my way around I placed the paper down and he began to scan through the Pro over his shoulder. 

“Ahhh the winner, with the illusions” I nodded to the hero, what was his name again. He was the one with the guns. I thought for a moment, Snipper, no, snapper, no. Sniper, no, wait. It was Snipe. Yeah, that was his name. “You have a very impressive quirk, I think I made an offer as well” he nodded and I flushed still not believing people wanted me. 

“That’s the problem with her quirk” I turned to Aizawa who was still going through the names “You could fit wherever you wished, you would be perfect in any setting. Whoever you choose will be lucky to have you” I could see teachers around us nod. 

I had to say what I was looking for “I don’t want to be an intern” it was silent, I sighed out “I can be used in any situation I know that but I want them to treat me like a sidekick, a friend even. I don’t want to be dragged along just to get them coffee or hold their things. I am going to be a hero, I want them to act like it” I spoke my shoulders back and head high. Snipe nodded. I could hear some other teachers agree. “I don’t want to be thrown aside or pulled out for the show, I’m not here for the fame. I want to help people” I gripped my skirt and I could see the light smirk from Aizawa as he grabbed a pen and began to highlight a few names. 

“These are all the people who might be willing to do that” he handed me back the pages and I smiled in happiness. There was maybe twenty. His hand came to rest on my shoulder “Call them, state your needs and wants. If worse comes to worst and no one allows it. You can work with me” my chest filled with pride as I quickly stood and bowed as low as I could go. 

“Thank you, Aizawa” I called out, smiled wide and mind determined. I picked up my things. “I promise I won’t let you down” with that, I walked from the room with a bounce in my step. I had to make some calls. 

-

“You’re welcome” Aizawa smiled looking to the Pro behind him, even with the mask he could see the raised eyebrow. “I made sure to highlight your name. You should be getting a call” a few groans were heard around the teachers' lounge. 

“How about I buy you a drink” Aizawa nodded and walked out Snipe in tow. _______________________________________________________________

Chapter 3

[itsmattsunshinehere]

So here goes nothing....😅😅😅 I have thought of a scenario where a student is studying marketing and has offered herself to promote karasuno's volleyball team. And as she is working with them she makes friendships and developed crushes and love and all that good stuff. With a lot of fluff please.♥️😋♥️ If u can't that's just fine still will love everything you put out your so talented and I love you♥️♥️♥️♥️

Okay so first IM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG PLEASE DONT HATE ME 😫😫

I had some difficulties writing it because I didn’t know if you wanted reader to come from Uni or simply Karasuno. You also talked about developing crushes and Im a fool for Daichi so yeah it turned out as a Daichi x reader lol But feel free to ask for another one if you don���t like it!! Thanks for your request, you’re so kind and honestly I think there are people here on Tumblr more talented than me but omg thank you I love you please let me know what you think!! 💘💘💘

-L

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Sweet lovin’.

Sawamura Daichi x reader.

synopsis: just Daichi helping you open a letter from your University.

word count: 1.6 K

tags: fluff

~~~

"C’mon Y/N, open it!" the boy on your right encourages you.

You're a little anxious, your hands are shaking slightly while you carefully unlock your phone. You can't calm down: you know how important is that email, you've been waiting for two weeks now. You open the inbox, but immediately lock the screen, not feeling brave enough.

You knew that getting into the university you were aiming to wouldn't be that easy, so you immediately took as many courses you could to prepare for the various entrance tests you’d have to do. Even so, when you found out you had to bring a completely new and original project, (the promotion of a product completed with data and graphs concerning sales), you were quite surprised not expecting it and soon you started panicking as you saw the million challenges you’d have to face, not to mention all the pressure you felt: after all it was the task you would have to submit if you wanted to be admitted to the marketing courses in what could be your future University (if you made it).

You are resolute and organised, you’ve been making plans for your future since you were really young, thinking about what your job would be when you grow up. You've always liked to read and recommend books to your friends or parents, so you decided to work for a publisher and evaluate which manuscripts to publish and which to discard. But it is clear that to do such a job you also need to know how to sell a product: it is therefore essential for you a degree in Marketing and Communication. You had calculated everything, down to the smallest detail, and yet in front of that email just over two months ago you had trembled, finding yourself deadly worried. On the other hand you had never done anything like this, starting from scratch, without anyone’s help and that’s what was most likely to have determined your admission.

For days you were scrambled to come up with an idea that could represent you 100%, and then you found yourself one day in the school gym in front of the entire men's volleyball team, on the orange flyer in your hands it was written in capital letters "LOOKING FOR HELP FOR OUR MANAGERS."

"Help us grow! If you are interested, come look for us: Sawamura Daichi (3rd year, section 4); Shimizu Kiyoko (3rd year, section 2)."

You immediately saw the opportunity behind that simple piece of paper. You had found your "product" to advertise, it was the opportunity you were looking for and you could not let it got; that's why you let instinct take over you and you headed straight to the gym; you hadn't given it too much thought, knowing too well that if only you'd stopped for one more moment to reflect, you'd only come out with more doubts.

You were presented to your "project" and they had welcomed you with open arms, especially Nishinoya and Tanaka, happy to have more people in their big family and that could lighten the load of work for Kiyoko and Hitoka. Although at first you had no intention of becoming a manager of Karasuno, day by day you had bonded more and more with those guys, finding yourself one day crying in front of everyone because of how boded you were when Hinata gave you with a beaming smile the team uniform. You had learned to appreciate each one of them, everyone with their own special personality, trying to help them as best you could during their training: several times you happened to assist Kageyama and Hinata till late and help them improving their spikes, or healing the wounds and bruises that Noya got, not to mention all the afternoons spent trying to comfort Asahi, in an attempt to raise his self-esteem a little. Then along with Hitoka and Kiyoko you draw posters and opened a fund for the team, you created a page on Facebook by posting constant updates, just as you had created a Twitter profile where only the three of you, Daichi, Suga and Professor Takeda had the access (coach Ukai refused to take part in something that complicated). You saw how slowly your crows got up again attracting more and more attention, just as you had seen your project take shape and come true.

After about a month of joining the team, you had taken the train to Tokyo along with the three third year and Kiyoko, who had decided to come with you to bring all the necessary documents for the application and the eventual registration. Careless as you are, you would surely have got lost, that's why Suga asked you if he could join you and after hearing him, the others had also offered to keep you company along the way.

Finally, another email had arrived on your phone: for three days you did not even look at your inbox, too scared to find out that you had been refused. Not to mention that of all the possible days Suga, being aware of your crush on the captain, had decided that today was the best day to give his contribution and leave you alone with Daichi to tidy the gym putting the last things in place, hoping that you will muster up courage to take the first step and confess. It’s obvious saying that his hopes are unfortunately misplaced.

Daichi, being the kind person he is, seeing you more nervous than usual asks you if you had heard from the University and suddenly you turn pale, telling him all your concerns.

"Good heavens Daichi, I can't do it, please look instead!" you beg the boy by your side. You have the feeling that, if it’s him the one who's telling you you've failed, it's going to hurt less than reading it with your own eyes. The captain picks up your phone with one hand and yours with other, making you blush instantly.

You don't know how or when you started having feelings for him, you only know that at some point you started paying a lot more attention to what he told you and noticing all the details of his face: how he purse his lips when he scores a point, how he snaps his tongue with frustration when during training he fails to serve or receiving Asahi’s services. Of course, you immediately tried to hide it all, choosing to focus on the first years and prevent Tsukishima and Kageyama from biting each other’s face off.

"You have to tell me the passcode, Y/N." he replies with a chuckle, trying to calm you down by caressing your hand in circular movements, causing the opposite effect.

You feel your heart beating wildly, you're not used to having so much skinship between you two, neither being so close with him. Of course, it had happened other times that accidentally in removing the net he touched your hand, but you always tried to pretend as if nothing happened, obviously failing: Tsukishima and Sugawara immediately understood that you had feelings for him, as well as Kiyoko, who immediately encouraged you along with the setter.

You give him the password and watch him carefully swipe his fingers across the screen, opening the inbox and reading the email carefully. After what seems like centuries, he rolls his eyes towards you and with a smile he turns your phone towards you. You rip it out of his hands and read until you find the magic word: ACCEPTED.

"You made it Y/N, you got accepted." He congratulates you and, in a moment of pure euphoria, you throw your arms around his neck, clutching him as tightly as you can as he bursts out laughing and hugs you back.

You feel so comfortable in his muscular arms, you feel warm, feeling almost as if you were home. You would never want to move away, but after a few seconds you two separate, you redder than ever, while he looks at you, smiling, holding once again your hand with his and you look down on the ground regretting being so careless.

"Sorry, I didn't want to jump on-" You interrupt as soon as Daichi raises your chin and brings your face close to his, looking into your eyes, his lips brushing yours, softly, delicately, kindly, almost as if he's afraid of breaking you.

When you separate you look at him surprised, with your mouth agape, unable to say anything, because DAICHI JUST KISSED YOU. You are speechless, trying to understand that what just happened is not a mere dream. The boy meanwhile waits for your reaction, but seeing that you are still silent he lets out a laugh, rather embarrassed by all that courage he showed you just now.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I don't know what’s gotten into me. I'm sorry I should have told you first, but you know I like you so much that seeing you-" he tries to explain you, but you interrupt him right away.

"You what?!" you ask him, your eyes wide open, as he looks at you even more nervous than before, he just wants to sink and disappear sucked into the ground.

“Yes, I've liked you for a while, I thought I'd tell you one of these days. I thought it was pretty obvious..." He tells you, scratching the back of his neck with one hand. You suddenly take the other hand.

“I like you too!" you say with a smile. You remind him so much of a little girl who just got the gift she wanted for her birthday. He can't help bursting out laughing again seeing your happy eyes, wrapping you again with those arms you love so much.

“That’s good, you know? I was dying of shame." He whispers sweetly in your ear, while you smile, letting yourself sink in the warmth of his embrace, chuckling back.

[thesimonkshow]

My thoughts on Folklore

This is about to be a long ass Taylor Swift post, so strap in for the ride.

I along with many others were going about their business (looking at Adam Driver gifs) before my phone alerted me to the notification that Taylor Swift was releasing her eighth studio album Folklore the very next day. Chaos everywhere, my sleep schedule went out the window as I went into the Swifties tag to see how everyone else was dealing with this news. So I eagerly awaited 2PM (Australian time) for the album to drop and after a few listens (sleep got the better of me through my first listen due to my previous sleep schedule), I eventually picked out some album highlights.

The 1 - I love how freely she’s cussing on the album (a point that will be reitriated throughout), and I know Gossip tabloids and casuals will be shooketh because they’d think Taylor & Mr. Alwyn have ‘broken up’ due to Taylor’s personable lyrics but this gave me Better Man vibes. Remember when the Bridge said ‘You might have bern The One if you were a Better Man’ and this is basically that without the angsty fire.

Cardigan - I LOVE how Alternative Folk fits Taylor’s voice, it sounds like she’s telling us a story and we are entrapsed by her. It also works perfectly with the love triangle songs, which I had to understand a bit through a few listens.

The Last Great American Dynasty - The moment I saw this track, I knew it would be epic. I pictured her taking the piss out of the Trump family, but what I got was an awesome song about the woman who owned Taylor’s Rhode Island house and the antics she got up to. I love the descriptors she used when describing the weddings and the party’s Rebekah & Bill had and especially the bridge of antics Rebekah got up to later in her time. The ‘And then it was bought by me.’ Part of the bridge, I love a good twist!

Exile - OH MY LORD. When I saw Skinny Love Bon Iver on this album, I knew this would be something and low and behold it was. The concept of the man in exile in her intro caught my attention but seeing it up close and personal was amazing. The vocals interlaced with each other was perfection, especially as Taylor responds to Bon Iver. I really connected it to the struggles of Seth Rollins in the latter half of 2019, how he seemed to be exiled from the WWE, how his initial opponent Kevin Owens was having his flaws disregarded to drag Seth down, the ‘Always Keep Fighting’ shirt that he wore (raising money for mental health chairties) adding insult to injury for Seth, who had even briefly deactivated his twitter to clear his headspace following attacks/death threats from a fellow wrestler’s fan base. ‘I gave you every sign’ rings true here, the man was struggling and no one seemed to care.

My Tears Ricochet - My WWE ass was happy to see another Wrestler reference after The Man. So this was an interesting look, but I got another story that intrigued me, a man having been involved in a tumultous connection with the songs narrator showing up to her funeral to save face. Listeners drew parraells with the recent Masters drbarkle with Scott Borchetta, head of Big Machine Records with whom Taylor was once signed to, and I have to say it’s a good perspective to take.

Mirrorball - This one took a while but I ended up loving the fact she could sing from a Mirrorball’s perspective and still make an epic song. I loved the part about always fitting in with the crowd because at functions/discos where mirrorballs are used, the lights will change to fit the mood and being a reflective surface, Mirrorballs will reflect the colour change.

Seven - This was a nice ditty about a past friend Taylor once had. I really loved the line ‘Please picture me in the weeds before I learned Civility’ it gives a more sophisticated parraell to Never Grow Up.

August - This is the second in the love triangle songs, and I loved the storytelling aspect as Taylor paints the picture of an affair that Summer Nights would quake in it’s boots if it heard about it. She sweeps up the adience in the Mistresses POV, showcasing the sweetness of love and the sting of toxcisity.

This is me trying - Where are those who said Taylor Swift plays the victim in her songs? Because this is for them. Taylor states in this her regrets of wasted potential, broken relationships etc. at the end of the day no matter how many awards she has, records she breaks, or money she possesses, Taylor Alison Swift is a human being, and we should give her boundries to grow and flourish.

Illicit Affairs - This track title also intrigued me, and whilst it does what the title says, and discusses the highs and lows of the secret passions of mismatched lovers, the second verse & bridge stood out to me the most. The way Taylor’s voice went up on him in the line ‘Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him.’ Drew my attention as she later did the same thing on the word high, this had to mean something. And given that we don’t know the narrators gender, this could also be a song about a closeted gay man who’s found love but is struggling to accept this relationship. Whereas the bridge reminded me a lot of the Adam & Hannah breakup in Season 4 of Girls in the episode Sit In where Hannah denounces Adam’s nickname of kid, which he had called her by since the first season, with the episode before that showing her heartbroken that Adam has gotten a new girlfriend behind her back and thus turns into a mess locked in her apartment for a day and two nights. it was a heartbreaking part of the show, one that shifted it into a new era for better or for worse, and the entirety of this reasonated with me.

Invisible String - Around this point was where melotonin kicked in for me on my first listen, so I’ve heard this less than the other songs, but I love how it discusses her relationship with Joe & how for better or for worse, he is hers. It continued the theme with them on Lover of not having a great picturesque love, but having ups and downs like any couple.

Mad Woman - The calmer sister of The Man, she won’t throw big production and actions around, she can take you down with words alone. The track stings brutally as Taylor takes down sexism as it exists in our world today, and even sadly paints a visual of how it must have been for women back in the day fighting for equal rights. ‘Does a scorpion sting when fighging back?’ Line was annother connection, as I was reminded of Vanessa Ives from Penny Dreadful and how the animal symbology that stuck with her was a scorpion, used to great effect in the Season 2 finale in a confrontation with Lucifer’s makeshift doll of her. The chorus line ‘And you’ll poke the bear till her claws come out, and you’ll find something to wrap your noose around’ stuck with me on my listens, and really shows how men will strike and then run away saying ‘it’s a joke, she’s hysterical’ etc. the part about women loving to hunt witches also reminded me of a Doctor Who episode called ‘The Witchers’ and also reminded some listeners of how Demi Lovato took Scooter Braun’s side in the Licencing debarkle, in fact in the first part of the bridge, the song also has a double meaning. It’s also about the state of affairs following Taylor’s songs being stolen from her. The part in the bridge about the wives knowing about their Spinster husbands having affairs and not wanting to show their anger for fear of being outcast like the titular woman is angsty but so lyrically genius.

Epiphany - I had to listen to this a couple of times but once I realised what it was about, I was in shock. This is about her Grandfather Dean who she mentioned in the intro who fought in a war. The song paints the war setting with the helmet, the flesh wound and the rifle within the first few words, and I especially loved the line ‘And some things we don’t speak of.’ because it talked about how some soldiers develop PTSD from their experiences, yet don’t want to discuss them for fear of being perceived as weak. Also the outro beat sounds like a radar scanning for a plane, and the beat of the drum sounds like bombs exploding, really adds to the War theme.

Betty - This is the final track in the love triangle story as it tells the story of James as he fights to earn back Betty’s love after he has an affair with Inez. The eventual pitfalls of Illicit Affairs have come for Inez which causes her to tell Betty of their affair, which is a nice link. This songs gives a classic Greese/Christine/Cheesy 80s Film meets Trixie Mattel vibe which I loved. I also loved the callbacks to August & Cardigan, along with the casual F bomb droppings.

Peace - This is another sweet love song for Joe which calls back to Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street & Dancing With Our Hands Tied as Taylor struggles with the connection she has established with Joe, and contemplates escaping, but eventually knows she’ll stay. How the entire world will be on them, but she’ll be by his side through it all. Similar to Invisible String but different all at once and a perfect penultimate track to lead to the last song.

Hoax - The sweetness brings us to the double edged sword of a closing track. Giving a shattering realisation that love can be tricky at times, the references to Call It What You Want ‘I am ash from your fire’, The Archer ‘You know the hero died so what’s the movie for?’ & ... So It Goes ‘You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score’. Taylor loves Joe so much that when they fight it’s as painful as when she became Pop Culture Enemy #1 back in 2016. But no matter what, she says herself ‘Don’t want no other shade of blue but you. No other sadness in this world would do’ relationships are always painful, there is no happy endings all round, but there is still love to be found.

All in all this is an incredible album & @taylorswift you have created magic and I hope you know that myself & all the Swifties are so proud of you for flexing your writing skill and crafting such a stunning album.

[larryfanficwriter98]

Chapter Fourteen

Harry woke up the next morning earlier than usual due to their early night yesterday. Just thinking about it made him grin, but then it made him think about his past relationship with 'douchebag' as Louis likes to call him. Or any other insult he could think of at the moment. Douchebag, or Connor, took one look at him and said it was "unnaturally large" and refused to give what he wanted to get. He had bullied Harry whenever a bulge would show in his pants and had made him get uncomfortable briefs that had a pocket to tuck everything in.

He had also made Harry tape himself down with medical tape if they went to the beach so it wouldn't be seen in photos on accident. Harry had always been self-conscious about it, it wasn't hard to notice that you were bigger than your mates in the changing rooms. Especially when one of the guys had a measuring tape and challenged everyone to measure themselves. It was obvious when everyone was 3-5 inches soft and Harry was 6 soft.

Being a little over 9 inches in length and 5 inches in girth when hard Harry had been bigger than Conner by quite a few inches. Louis hadn't seemed bothered though, in fact, he had gotten turned on as he gave Harry a blowjob. Though he did seem nervous as he had taken Harry's pants off which Harry was going to ask Louis about when he woke up. He wanted to make sure Louis was okay and hadn't been pressured or anything like that. Harry would never forgive himself if he unknowingly pressured Louis.

Harry looked over at Louis who was still fast asleep. He was curled around Harry's back being the big spoon that Harry didn't know being the little spoon felt so great. No wonder Douchebag always wanted to be the little spoon. Harry snuggled back against Louis then grimaced and lifted the blanket seeing the dried cum on his tattoo.

"Gross." Harry said then gagged at the taste of his breath, "even worse." Harry quickly climbed out of bed and headed straight to the bathroom. He quickly wet his toothbrush then slathered toothpaste on it and brushed his teeth then his tongue twice to get rid of the taste in his mouth. After that, he turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat up before he stepped under the spray.

Louis woke up to the sound of vicious teeth brushing and rolled over to see Harry in the mirror's reflection. He stared at Harry listening to him brush his teeth then he had to hide his laughter when he heard Harry gagging as he brushed his tongue. He stared at Harry's bareback and ass as he bent over the sink to spit out the foamy toothpaste. Louis grabbed his phone off his bedside table and scrolled through social media as Harry got into the shower.

He laid there for a while until he heard Harry's shower turn off then watched him leave the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Louis climbed out of bed then headed to the closet where Harry was going through his clothing options.

"Morning handsome." Louis said smiling when Harry looked over at him with a grin

"Right back at ya." Harry said stepping up to him to kiss him

"We got any plans today?" Louis asked watching as Harry dropped the towel only to step into black briefs. He watched as Harry pulled them up then watched as he tucked himself into a pocket in his briefs that made his cock shake disappear. "What..wait..what happened to it." Louis said shocked as he eyed Harry

"It's a pocket. It's to keep it from y'know causing an outline." Harry said with a laugh

"Why?" Louis asked

"Because I don't want Harry Jr on the front page of a tabloid."

"Sweetie it wouldn't be a tabloid it'd be a Playboy." Louis told him, grinning, getting a glare from Harry, "sorry. Fine. But find other pairs. I want at least something to grab when you're hard in your pants to tease you." Harry laughed shaking his head

"All the more reason to keep them." Harry said as he grabbed some black pants and pulled them on. He had to adjust himself again and Louis watched, "I have a meeting with Columbia Records at twelve, but other than that I don't have any plans."

"The lads want to go on a triple date, Zayn and Liam, Niall and Monica, Lizzy and Hannah, and you and I. I told them I'll talk to you."

"We can do that. Those are the girls you met at the club right?"

"Yeah, Monica was the one with the birthday the night, and Hannah and Lizzy are the lesbian couple in the videos."

"What time?"

"I think Zayn said seven o'clock."

"Sounds good." Harry said pulling on a pink chain and rope print shirt and buttoning before tucking the ends in. He then pulled his pants the rest of the way up and Louis noticed they were high-waisted women's pants, but Louis didn't point it out and only admired the way his butt looked in them. He leaned over and pinched it getting a slap from Harry on his hand.

"Stop it. I'll go make breakfast and you get dressed. Or don't. Either way, I need to make breakfast because I am starving." Harry came up to him and cupped his face kissing his lips gently

"I want full English." Louis told him

"Your wish is my command." Harry said bowing dramatically before he was leaving the room.

Louis shook his head then went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. After he was cleaned and dressed and his mouth had been brushed twice he went downstairs scrolling through Twitter frowning when he saw the fans telling him to explain a photo. It took a few seconds before he found the photo that the fans were referring to. It was a dropped photo of Harry and Dickhead, but the photo was cropped so that Harry's hair was only barely seen pushed back to it looked like a recent photo, but Louis knew Harry's side profile better than anyone and his cheeks were too rounded to be recent.

"Hey, Haz do you have the full photo of this picture?" Louis asked, showing Harry the tweets, Harry looked away from his bacon turning to look at the phone frowning when he noticed what it was.

"I might in my cloud." Harry said, "my cloud password is in the drawer and you know my phone code." Louis grabbed Harry's phone on the counter then moved to the junk drawer that Harry had full of batteries, guitar picks, old planners, and other random junk that hasn't made it to the trash can two feet away. Louis grabbed the notebook that had Harry's passcodes for every account and looked four the cloud one.

"Do you know the year?" Louis asked

"Probably 2013." Louis nodded immediately going to 2013, "try like summertime...June through August I think. We spent the summer together."

"Found it. I'm going to ruin this man's life." Louis said by sending the photo to him then he got back on twitter and found the account that the photo came from and tagged it as well as Dicky's Twitter account.

@ account134527 and @ ConnorKS

Try again boo. 😘✌🏻🖕🏻

"And post." Louis said grinning as he posted the tweet with the photo of Harry and his hair pushed back from 2013. He was kissing the Twat's cheek and in the background, you could also see it was before the Wizarding World of Harry Potter had been opened for the public because they were standing near the closed-off section for construction.

"I'm sorry-"

"Sweetie don't apologize. He got a false sense of hope from your management and now he's mad you picked me over him in his head at least. It'll die down or I'll make it die down. You may treat people with kindness, but Tommo doesn't." Louis said, setting their phones down, "besides you can't blame the man you are very good looking. I'd torment you too if you upgraded."

"I don't think there is any upgrading from you." Harry said as he pulled Louis in front of him between his body and the stove, "I love you." He said kissing his neck as he turned the sausages

"I love you too." Louis said leaning his head back against Harry's shoulder, "is your meeting in person?"

"No we're meeting on google duo, they're with Sony Music, but it's a different section so we just have to talk about music and image and such."

"Sounds very boring."

"It is."

******

Louis had his MacBook opened glaring at the screen, he and Little Dick were fighting on Twitter. After Louis tweeted the real photo from 2013 Little Dick tweeted another photo of sweet innocent Harry laying on a tattoo chair getting the swallows tattoo. The butterfly stood out against the pale skin Harry had back then. So Louis had replied to the tweet,

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS thanks for being there for Harry as he got places to hide my live bites Boo.

And well apparently he didn't like that so he leaked a picture of him and Harry in California at the Hollywood sign. So Louis replied

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS wooooow you took him to a place he sees on his back patio every day when in LA...impressive. 👏🏻👏🏻

And thus it began. Louis didn't even know why he was arguing with an ex, but he was. He was very secure in his relationship with Harry so it wasn't out of insecurity, but whatever the reason Louis was winning the fight and everyone knew it.

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS the fact that you had to make a fake account just to leak photos of you two together...👀👀🙊

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS the fact that management made you believe Harry would choose you over me despite the way you treated him is fucking hilarious...

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS boo the shit I have on you... let's not go there.

@ account134527 @ ConnorKS coincidence?

Louis attached a video of "Dirty Little Secret" playing on the tv. The tweets stopped soon after that so to celebrate his victory Louis posted a short video of him and Harry a few nights ago dancing to Macarena inside the pool laughing their asses off with the words 'Look at my darling baby❤' in the tweet.

"Are you done arguing with Connor?" Harry asked laughing as he came inside from his meeting

"I think so." Louis said looking at Harry, "I won."

"You won before he even knew there was a competition." Harry told him wrapping his arms around his waist

"Oh I know that, but he doesn't have a right to expose your relationship like that."

"It's fine. The fans suspected back then, but he didn't want to be in the tabloids dating me so we kept it quiet. I'm surprised you didn't expose him for...what did you call him? A manipulative abusive little dick asshole?"

"Manipulative abusive little pecker loose asshole cheating twat." Louis corrected

"That. Yes. I'm surprised you didn't call him that."

"I almost did. I typed it a few times at least. If he responds that'll be my next tweet. It'll shut him up." Louis said, grabbing Harry's hands, "you should let me paint your nails. You have perfect nail beds. Lottie would be jealous."

"You paint mine and I'll paint yours."

"Deal. I'll go to the shops to get polish. Be back in a minute."

*******

Louis grinned as he followed Harry through the crowded rooftop dining area.

"There they are." Zayn said standing up when he saw them

"Hi, sorry traffic was horrible." Harry said hugging Zayn and Liam before leaning over to hug Niall and Monica. "Hi Ni. Hi Monica, it's lovely to meet you."

"Hi, Harry." Monica said excitedly as she hugged Harry, "hi Louis." She said, stepping over to hug Louis, "saw that fight on twitter."

"Yeah, we were just being told about it by Monica. Possessive much Lou?" Liam teased as Harry greeted Hannah and Lizzy with hugs as well

"I have no reason to worry, I just don't like him." Louis said with a shrug, "Haz is mine and if he wanted that shrimp he'd have cheated when given the opportunity enough times."

"If I wanted him I'd have stayed with him." Harry said kissing his temple, "now do we have wine coming, or have we not ordered yet?"

"Not yet we just got here not that long ago and decided to wait for you." Zayn said as they took their seats it was a square dining table with two seats on each side. Louis and Harry were sat across from Hannah and Lizzy while Niall and Monica were sat across from Zayn and Liam.

"Do we want to share mozzarella balls for an appetizer, Lou?" Harry asked

"Of course Darling." Louis said, "what are you getting for the main dish?"

"I think the chicken shawarma in their Mediterranean section." Harry said

"Ooh yeah, I saw that. I was thinking of the eggplant rollatini."

"Wanna split?"

"Deal."

"Hello I'm David and I'll be your waiter today. Are we all on one check or separate?" He asked looking around the table

"We are separated into pairs. So them two, those two, these two, and us two." Louis said pointing to each couple getting the man's attention who nodded.

"And what can I get for you?" The man asked, eyeing him and licking his lips though Louis had turned away from him and hadn't seen it though he turned when he spoke.

"Oh, ladies first. We can wait." Louis said before turning back to Niall, "are we doing anything after this?"

"We talked about going to the club if you guys are up for it."

"Can I pick the place?" Harry asked

"Yeah sure." Niall said

"Lou?"

"I'm down if you are."

"Alright. Who is our designated driver?" Harry asked looking around

"I can. You got a vehicle big enough for all of us?"

"Yeah, we can follow back to my place and get the SUV." Zayn nodded, "we can all stay there tonight I have guest rooms."

"And for you?" The waiter asked after everyone ordered looking at Louis

"Oh we will have the fried mozzarella balls as an appetizer and for the main dish I will have the eggplant rollatini." Louis told him

"Perfect. The eggplant rollatini is my favorite." He said, Louis, nodded and looked at Harry who looked highly amused.

"I will have the chicken shawarma." Harry said closing the menu

"Will that be all for you?" The man asked barely acknowledging Harry as he looked back at Louis

"Yeah, that's all thank you." Harry leaned over and kissed Louis' cheek laughing when the man turned away with more hip movement than necessary.

"Is there anything else I can do for you." Harry teased leaning over

"Absolutely anything." Liam said batting his eyelashes

"Please sir I'm all but stripping for you." Niall said laughing

"Stop it. It's not funny. What kind of guy does that in front of someone's boyfriend even." Harry laughed squeezing his thigh as he leaned over to whisper in his ear

"Do you think he'd get the message if we snog?" Louis laughed turning to Harry to whisper in his ear as well

"He'd probably get hard. Best not risk it." Harry laughed nodding as he squeezed Louis' thigh before pulling away. The rest of the dinner was filled with laughter, storytelling, many wine glasses, and delicious food. There were also pictures as a group from someone's phone as they all huddled together when Lizzy pulled out a selfie stick from her purse.

"Why do you have that in your purse?" Louis asked

"Never question what is inside a lesbian couple's purse." She said as she extended it then took the phone as placed it on the holder. "Now huddle together everyone. Harry, stop looking at Louis and look at the camera. We already have photos of you two looking like sappy teenagers." Louis laughed as he looked at Harry who was staring at him with a grin. Louis leaned over and kissed him ignoring the groans from the couples.

"I got an idea." Niall said pulling his phone out and going to Instagram, he got on Louis' page then got on a picture of Louis standing in nothing but Harry's lilac sweater with his a side profile showing off his ass. "Harry, look it's a picture of Louis ass. Looky looky." Despite the fact that Harry was kissing Louis it actually worked because Harry turned away and looked.

"What?" Harry asked looking around until he spotted the phone with the photo over the phone on the selfie stick.

"Quick do it." Louis tried every hard not to laugh as his boyfriend with eyes glued to the photo. Harry grinned as his hand went down to grab Louis' cheek squeezing it. It didn't last long, only enough for two photos then Harry was looking at him again.

"Smart man you've got there Monica." Hannah said

"I just know Harry's weak spot is Louis, but if Louis beside him he needed something stronger." Niall said looking at Harry and Louis who were back in their own world talking with each other, "besides everyone loves Louis' ass."

"Thanks. You get the tip baby and I'll pay for this." Louis said taking the bill the waiter was handing out to the respected couples. He opened it just to make sure it was the right one before he kissed Harry and pulled his wallet out. Harry pouted but pulled out his own wallet and tossed two £50 down, "Harold you can't tip more than the bill." Louis said grabbing it and handing it back to him

"Let me tip whatever I want mister bill payer." Harry said putting down two hundred just to spite Louis

"Harry, he was rude the entire time to everyone except myself and completely ignored our relationship. I am not letting you tip him two hundred just because."

"Louis he could strip for you and I wouldn't care because you're still coming home with me at the end of the night so I win. Now let me tip him." Louis huffed rolling his eyes as he pulled out a £50 and a £20 and put it in the billfold. He flipped the receipt over and wrote,

"You're lucky I'm not in charge of the tip and my boyfriend is a kind person. You were an ass all night. I'd have given you the minimum 10% and be done with it. In case you don't know math that's a fiver and some change. Be kind to people and respect their relationship.

--Louisxxx"

He tossed the black folder down on the table and Monica immediately took it to read it snorting.

"I like the Tommo way." She said as she handed it to Hannah and Lizzy, Lizzy immediately taking a picture of it. She was addicted to her Instagrams they've learned over dinner, because yes she has more than one account. One for her personal use and one for her photography that she does on the side. They stood around waiting for their billfolds and when they got them Louis made sure to count the bills.

"Here have his number." Louis said handing the £5 to Harry who took it then tossed it in the tip pile. There was Harry's two £50, three £10, and now £5. Louis was very tempted to take a 50 and shove it in Harry's pocket, but he wouldn't do that. If Harry wanted to kill them with kindness then so be it.

"A £185 tip, he better use it wisely." Liam said

"Tempted to take the- actually I am." Louis took the five and headed to the table where a little girl was with her family. She had been very eager to ask Harry for a photo, but her parents had talked her out of it to wait until Harry ate his meal. "Here you go, Sweetie. You buy yourself something next time your parents take you to the shops yeah?" Harry said handing the little girl £25

"Really?"

"Yeah. The five have numbers on it, but it's still good."

"Thank you."

"You're quite welcome. You deserve more than our waiter does and you were very polite to wait to ask Harry for a photo so you definitely deserve it." Louis was taken by surprise by the hug the little girl gave him, but it was a nice surprise that he returned before heading back to their table. "You can be mad at me tomorrow, tonight we are clubbing." Louis said to Harry as he slipped his arms in the jacket Harry was holding for him.

"I think you're petty in the best way, but I'm not mad. I love you and with that comes your sassy attitude. Which I love as well. Besides you made her night." They all headed outside and got in their respected cars and followed back to Harry's place. Harry got the keys for the SUV and they all got in so Harry could drive to the club. It was a bit more upscale as in there was a second entrance that Harry and they took so they weren't spotted by anyone yet then they were led to the VIP balcony with a bar and tables and lounges.

"I'll go get a tab open, what does everyone want?" Harry asked as they sat at a square bar height table, the same seating arrangement from the restaurant. Harry got everyone's drink and went off to the bar coming back minutes later with a tray of various drinks.

"Now you owe me a dance." Harry said pressing against Louis from behind

"I don't dance until I'm drunk. You'll have to keep the drinks coming." Louis told him even if he pressed his hips back against Harry's.

"What's the fastest way to get you drunk?" Harry asked

"Whiskey gets Louis plastered for a week." Liam said

"What about you Styles." Louis said, turning to face Harry as he wrapped an arm around Harry's neck while his other hand held his beer glass, "what gets you plastered?"

"I'm not telling you anything." Harry said, taking a sip from his...slushie.

"What are you drinking." Louis said grinning as he grabbed Harry's wrist and pulled it towards him. He looked up at Harry as he licked the slushie teasingly tasting the refreshing flavor of watermelon with a kick of gin that had Louis grimacing slightly. "Gin. You hate the taste of beer, but you drink gin."

"I like alcohol you can mix with. Watermelon gin slushie and if you lick it like that again we're taking an uber home right now."

"Oh?" Louis leaned over to lick it again, but Harry took it away.

"Stop it Lewis."

"Oh, we are breaking up over that." Louis said though despite his words he still kept his arm around his neck.

"Alright, love birds we are off to the dance floor." Lizzy said, "Liam and Zayn are staying here to watch the drinks."

"You sure?" Harry asked looking at the couple

"Yeah, we're fine really. You lads go have fun." Liam said as he hung on Zayn

"Alright. Have fun. Drink a beer or two lads I've been in the car with you guys after a whiskey shot and we all survived."

"Maybe a beer, but really Lou we went out last weekend just the two of us so we're not in the mood for another hangover so soon. Now go."

"Alright. Come on Haz we can dance with the others."

************

The night carried on until last call surprisingly, despite Liam and Zayn not drinking they joined them on the dance floor every now and again. Louis and Harry were always found with their tongues down each other's throats and a hand somewhere inappropriate. Liam and Zayn had to drag the drunk couples all the way back to the SUV and Louis didn't give a damn that he was sitting right beside Monica. Louis threw a leg over Harry's hip and straddled his lap.

"You're so cute. You're like the cutest little thing ever." Louis said cupping Harry's face to kiss him on his cheeks and lips

"You're beautiful and pretty and cute and adorable and tiny and small." Harry said snuggling into Louis' neck, "you're my best friend." Louis giggled drunkenly

"You're my best friend too cutie." Louis said

"You're my sweet little creature."

"I'm going to puke." Zayn moaned from upfront

"Tell me about it." Monica said from beside them

"I love your voice. You should like become a singer. You have such a pretty voice." Harry said

"Wait Louis sings?!" Monica, Lizzy, and Hannah shouted

"He sings to me when he wakes up first." Harry said, "he's so precocious. I love him." The car ride to the house was with Harry proclaiming his love for Louis every five seconds. They all stumbled out and Zayn and Liam helped everyone to guest rooms while Harry and Louis hurried to the bedroom locking the door behind them as they struggled to undress then climb into bed together.

"Be the big spoon." Harry said, pulling Louis against his back, "I like being the little spoon."

"My giant little spoon." Louis said affectionately kissing Harry's bare shoulder

[wooowthanks]

I willingly chose to listen to Christian music today, so I guess here’s a post on why it’s a Big Deal ™ to me, as I try to sort through my feelings (lol).

It’s been over a year (or at least 268 days since the last post) since I’ve left the traumatic experience that was Grace Youth Klang, and I think that finally, after all this time, only did I actually realise the extent of the manipulation and stress and pressure we were under.

Were we perfect? Nah. But we worked really hard to try to be at least good. And I think people failed to acknowledge that we tried our best, but maybe, at the minimum, they failed to even acknowledge that we tried.

Leaving church was and (still is) a hard decision I knew I had to make at that time. And it was easy for people, I guess, to say that people always leave as if they didn’t care in the first place, or that people don’t try hard enough to stay. But I think that it takes a certain maturity to make either decision - to stay, go through the shit, and make things better, or to realise that an environment is too detrimental to you, and to step out of your comfort zone to work on yourself.

I left church, and didn’t join another one. I left youth and it was a hard decision, even after already having left it. And I guess here’s what people don’t see - that leaders, no matter the adults or the youth or whatever in between, are humans too. But that leader title brings certain expectations, and that results in either one - people being put on a pedestal, or two - people being thrown into the fire pit to be scrutinised.

And lol no gifts for you if you know which one we fell into.

I left church and I was so angry at God. I was angry that even though I was going through a difficult time of my parents splitting up, people seemed to expect me to be nice and loving to every one else outside. Like who cared Samantha was going through a hard time, right? She’s a shit leader because she didn’t pay attention to the youth. Who cared that so many of us were constantly giving, and getting nothing back every Sunday? We fell so deeply into a pit of serving that we never saw the way out, because if we stopped, if we showed a moment of weakness, if we missed a second, “the blood would be on our hands”.

And I think it only got clear afterwards to many of us, when I (or we? I don’t speak for the others I guess) stopped serving because then FINALLY did we actually have the time to get left alone with our thoughts. Finally, did we not have anything to do with our hands and our time. And when I finally did get that time to reflect, this is what I felt - nothing.

I literally felt nothing. At one point, I genuinely did not remember what emotions felt like, and the only two ways I could react to anything and everything was to cry, or to be angry about it. And if I actually had the courage (and money), I probably should have gone to therapy, because at that point of time, there were many instances where I thought, “hey, I can’t feel anything and that’s worrying. If I hurt myself will it make me feel something”? But I guess lucky me for being the type that let depression (if that was what it was) weigh me down to the point of inactivity (and also I guess it was God keeping me safe in some way because I couldn’t get over how the blade I would want to use was the one to cut my uni assignments, and did I want blood and rust all over my prints? No. And did I want paper in my blood? Prolly not aso.)

And that messed with so many aspects in my life, including my relationships. Because how could I feel love when the one place, the church, that was supposed to guide and accept sinners like me summarised everything we did into scathing comments and negative adjectives as if we were just a Twitter scandal?

#rebellious #DoingItForTitles #OnlinePrayerMeeting (to play with phones, not pray!)

Or my personal favourite for myself, #confrontational and #crybaby because people were personally calling up others to rig the camp chairperson votes, and it was extremely vital for outside people to say I changed and like to cari gaduh, or that I was just stirring up shit for the fun of it (guess the cry baby title was true cos I cried into my corn in a cup at the Subang KTM station when I got those texts lol).

And I blamed God, but it wasn’t God’s fault. It was the church’s, or at least select people in it that made it this way. It was the gaslighting and the manipulation and the stress and the never being enough for the select people in church that made it this way.

But that’s where we failed too. We wanted to be enough, but we would never be enough. Parents would allow their kids to drink, but when it came to us, those same rules didn’t apply (like wah, your gossiping equals to 2 sin points, but any of us drinking?? 100 sin points!!!). People would talk about the importance of healthy relationships etc, but when some of us were starting to date, we were judged instead of being given the foundation for a healthy relationship. People would say we never did enough for the youth, but don’t send their kids to youth anyway.

And of course, when we all started to fall apart, instead of being given the grace and support to overcome and to get better again, we were just bad influences that did jack shit. I guess hearing sermons about people rising up from bad situations is cool and inspiring, but when your own youth leaders go through it it’s time to play god and judge ‘em.

But after this time, I guess I realised that while the church is supposed to be the body of Christ, it’s not God itself. We would never be enough for people, but we would be enough for God. And maybe that’s where I lost sight of the whole point/ purpose of why I was serving/ in youth in the first place. I was there because I loved (love?) God. We were there because we wanted to give back to God, it only so happened that by doing that, we had to serve the people. And sometimes, some people might’ve thought that we were there to serve them.

So, I listened to Christian music today. For the first time in a year, listening to it made me feel somewhat at peace. I didn’t feel like vomiting listening to it, and I didn’t feel anger. I still don’t feel ready to go to any church, but I guess this is a stepping stone that I didn’t think I would ever reach. It’s a step above that small thought in my head telling me that despite me maybe not believing in God anymore, that I still kinda do, and that he’s still there waiting for me to get back, if I ever want to.

Today might be a good day, I think, because maybe I want to. But who knows? Let’s see where this goes.

[jewish-privilege]

On Thursday, Nov. 21, a week before Thanksgiving, 500 high school students settled into their seats in the auditorium of the Fieldston School’s main campus, which sprawls over 18 leafy, manicured acres in the Riverdale section of the Bronx, to learn about apartheid. The invited speaker was Kayum Ahmed, an employee of the Open Society Foundations and adjunct faculty member at Columbia University Law School.

Ahmed’s initial presentation at Fieldston went off without a hitch, according to multiple people who attended the talk. But then came the question and answer period. In a video of his response to a student’s query, Ahmed explained his theory of patterns of trauma and oppression, and how they relate to Jews who were massacred during the Holocaust.

“The [Nazi] attacks are a shameful part of history, but in some ways it reflects the fluidity between those who are victims becoming perpetrators,” Ahmed told the Fieldston students and faculty. “I use the same example in talking about the Holocaust. That Jews who suffered in the Holocaust and established the State of Israel today—they perpetuate violence against Palestinians that [is] unthinkable,” he opined.

Ahmed’s comment sent a jolt through the room, students who were present there told Tablet, yet no one present questioned Ahmed’s assertion that survivors of the Holocaust had metabolized the trauma of their own mass murder to inflict “unthinkable” violence on Palestinians. Jewish parents at Fieldston who heard about Ahmed’s remarks were shaken and outraged, texting in chat circles and even threatening, privately, to withdraw their children from the school. A video clip of Ahmed’s presentation began to circulate amongst the school’s community, confirming the veracity of the recollections that upset students had shared with their parents.

As the crowd filtered out of the auditorium, some of the Jewish students present registered the moment with fear and confusion, according to multiple parents and others familiar with the event. In a classroom later that day, one Jewish student shared that Ahmed’s comment was upsetting. According to someone with direct knowledge of the situation, the teacher allegedly responded that there might be less concern about the Holocaust if more people were familiar with the genocides in other nations.

...Parents certainly had reason to be upset; some were the direct descendants of Holocaust survivors, and others had familial or emotional ties to Israel, a small country located in a region of the world where there is no shortage of states and radical fundamentalist groups that routinely echo Nazi calls for the extermination of Jewish populations. Moreover, the Ahmed event was only the latest in a series of what a number of Jewish parents saw as problematic experiences for Jews at the school, which they said had been escalating since 2015...

...In the wake of the event, J.B. Brager, one of the history department’s instructors who teaches a Holocaust elective, posted several public Twitter messages about the event and the resulting upset—none of which acknowledged the feelings of Jewish students or parents, or even the history of the Holocaust and the effects of trauma on its victims. Instead, Brager chose to use the moment to assert her support for the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement. “I refuse to ‘reaffirm the value’ of ethno-nationalist settler colonialism,” Brager wrote. “I support BDS and Palestinian sovereignty and I have for my entire adult life.”

...Tablet also interviewed the parents of more than two dozen Jewish students, past and present—all of whom, regardless of wealth or status, said that they were too frightened to be quoted by name. All said they specifically feared that public disclosure of their discomfort would cause retaliation by administrators and faculty—who they needed to write recommendations for their children’s college applications or transfer applications to other private high schools. The situation at Fieldston could be worse, they told me, though that perhaps depends on your perspective. “So far, no one’s throwing things at me and yelling ‘Dirty Jew,’ so it’s fine,” one parent wryly noted, in resignation. “But everyone else is going to leave.”

...In their purchase of a Fieldston education, parents aren’t buying an assurance that their children will be able to read Latin, apply basic principles of physics, or score a standard deviation or two higher than the norm on calculus tests. In exchange for the financial support and volunteer board hours, what Fieldston and other New York private schools are rewarding their patrons with is safe passage to the American elite.

...For many of Fieldston’s Jewish families, several told me, what distinguishes the problem at their school can be traced to the recently implemented Affinity Group program. Rolled out in 2015 as a new mandatory part of the curriculum, the Affinity groups asked parents of students in the third, fourth, and fifth grades to tell their children that they would need to select a group to join based on how that student defined their own identity. Over the course of the spring semester, parents were told, students would be segregated into groups based on a single selection from a set of options: African American or Black; Asian or Pacific Islander; Latino; Multiracial; White; or “Not Sure,” which consisted of “a cross-racial dialogue group” designed to make “your child feel more comfortable.”

...At the time, several families asked the school to add a Jewish affinity group; they acknowledged that no other religious group was offered, but argued that Jewishness should also be seen as a marker of ethnic and minority identity—not least because it has been for centuries by Jewish oppressors. According to several parents, they were politely but firmly told that no such group would be forthcoming. “Many parents were aghast,” one parent with multiple children at Fieldston told me.

...As certain teachers remodeled their courses, Jewish students found that their concerns about anti-Semitism were met by fellow classmates who plainly suggested that, first, they should be considered white and privileged—and that second, as such, they could not be considered victims of discrimination.

It was a two-step that shocked and frightened certain Jewish parents—first erasing what they understood to be the history of Jewish exclusion, isolation and murder, while simultaneously confining Jews to the category of history’s not-good people.  

...For Jewish parents, the result of these changes isn’t simply the sense of injustice at the prospect of their children becoming targets for social exclusion, bullying, and officially-sanctioned condemnation for holding or expressing normative in-group beliefs —like a belief in the uniqueness of the Holocaust, or that the State of Israel isn’t effusively evil. The lit match here was that “Jews” were nowhere to be found on the roster of oppressed groups.

It’s an absence that is quite deliberate, and yet, because many Jews don’t seem to quite get that, it results in furious and often unintentionally hilariously medieval-seeming debates, both within Jewish communities, and between Jews and “woke” believers about whether Jews with white skin or dark skin are in fact “white,” what degree of victim-privilege Jewish “whiteness” or non-“whiteness” should properly confer, how much possible Sephardic or Mizrahi blood can one reasonably lay claim to in order to join the good team, and so on.

During that same academic year, swastikas began appearing in Fieldston halls and classrooms. In what would become a recurring theme for some Jewish families, parents told me that they were taken aback when school leadership responded to the initial appearance of the swastikas with a presentation for students that foregrounded “the ancient history of the symbol,” as one parent who saw the presentation told me. There appeared to be no significant scrutiny of what the symbol meant after it had become the Nazi emblem, and there appeared to be no mention of its relation to the slaughter of millions of Jews, the parent said.

Facing an uproar over the presentation and the lack of any strong, community-wide condemnation of the incidents, the school sent out a second letter, shared with Tablet, that identified the swastika “as a hateful symbol of the Nazi genocide, the Holocaust, anti-Semitism, fascism, and the destruction of European Jewry and other victims of the Nazi regime.”

...Of course the problem then got worse. Toward the end of the 2017 spring semester, George Burns, who for almost two decades had been the principal of the grade school’s younger division and who had been an advocate of the Affinity Group program, abruptly left. His departure was as much of a surprise as the rumored reason behind it.

According to a report in the New York Times, Burns was discussing parent pushback to the Affinity Groups with the recently hired head of the school, Jessica Bagby, who allegedly then told him who she thought the program’s critics were: “It’s the Zionists—the Jews.” Burns later filed a report to the school’s human resources department; shortly after, Burns announced his retirement. “Mr. Burns had worked there for 18 years and had given no indication that he planned to retire,” the Times report said. “Almost no one believed that his departure was entirely voluntary.”

In an interview with the Times, Bagby disputed the account. “I said to him at the time, ʻWe have a problem in that some members of our community who identify themselves as Jewish, and some who even might identify themselves—self-identify—as Zionists, do not feel embraced by this program.’”

For some Jewish parents, it was a distinction without much difference. Bagby’s remarks had a perhaps unintentional but palpable edge. Since no one in the progressive cultural sphere has used the word “Zionist” as anything other than a curseword for at least a decade, her remarks implied to them that parents “who even might identify—self-identify—as Zionists” had themselves to blame for not being embraced by a program that would not and should not, in fact, embrace them.  

Whatever the proper interpretation of Bagby’s remarks might be, the willingness of her school to take anti-Semitism seriously was about to be tested by national tragedy. On Oct. 27, 2018, 11 Jews were murdered during a religious service at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh. The night of the attack, the school sent out a note expressing sympathy for the victims, and horror at the attack.

But later that week, the school sent out another letter, shared with Tablet, which declared the committee’s dismay at the slayings while highlighting the positive reaction by the Muslim community of Pittsburgh—as though anti-Semitism was somehow a narrow detail in relations between Jews and Muslims. “[We are] heartsick for the state of our national dialogue and concerned for the safety of the vulnerable among us. We are also heartened by the clear voices of empathy across the spectrum of political views and overflowing acts of kindness, such as the pledge by the Muslim community of Pittsburgh to protect synagogues,” they wrote.

The letter then went on to explain that the theme of the year’s multicultural programming would be “Intersectionality,” with the first event a community day where guest speakers will explain “what Intersectionality means to them and what effect it has on their lives as they work toward equity and social justice.” The committee signed off by highlighting the Multicultural Committee’s recent progress, including a mention of the various faculty who over the summer participated in “anti-bias training for white educators.”

According to several Jewish parents who read the letter, they were stunned by the absence of the word “anti-Semitism”—the specific hatred against Jews that was the defining characteristic of the mass shooting.

“There was no mention of the murder of Jews,” one parent told me. “It talked about how the Muslim community really helped the Jewish community in a time of crisis. And you know, that’s great they did. I think that’s beautiful they helped. But what’s the point of including that in a letter that should be about a horrendous act of anti-Semitism?”

The school’s disparate tone was made all the more stark several days later, when after a gunman killed one and left three injured in a shooting at a synagogue in Poway, California, near San Diego, Fieldston distributed a community-wide letter that did not identify the victims as Jewish but instead as “Passover worshippers”—and which then contextualized the shooting among other recent events. “Hatred and religious violence across our globe at houses of worship since the 2015 murder of congregants at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, should be unimaginable. Nevertheless, in just the last three months, since the horrific mass shootings at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand, this once unfathomable crime seems unrelenting in our news cycle.”

Though this letter mentioned the word “anti-Semitism,” according to multiple parents Bagby’s contextualizing of the anti-Semitic shooting with hate crimes against other religious denominations...was one further example of the school’s apparent aversion to explicitly singling out violence or hatred against Jews as worthy of specific concern or condemnation.

...Several Jewish parents said that this emerging herd mentality had other more direct repercussions: While some of the school’s administrators and faculty have expressed solidarity with Jewish families in private, there’s a fear, according to multiple employees, that any public activism on behalf of the Jewish families will lead to that member of the staff becoming ostracized by their colleagues. This is particularly important because, unlike nearly every other elite private school in New York City, the faculty at Fieldston are unionized—which endows them with a power their colleagues at other schools lack in disputes with the board or the administration.

...By Monday, the leadership of the school was anxious to quell the growing unrest, a person familiar with the leadership’s decision making said, but lawyers cautioned school leaders that a revised statement being circulated was too critical of Kayum Ahmed directly and might ostensibly expose the school to libel charges, according to this person. Some involved in the discussion of the response felt the risk was justified by the necessity to reaffirm an unequivocal position against anti-Semitism, particularly in light of other recent incidents at the school—but that position, according to a person familiar with the drafting process, was not universally endorsed by all parties involved in finalizing the statement. There was enough dissent among the board and administration about how to properly respond that some proposed waiting for after the Thanksgiving break to publicly acknowledge the incident...

Following the wide dissemination of the video clip, concerned parents now reached out directly to the school wondering about the circumstances that led to Ahmed’s presentation. On Wednesday morning, Bagby signed off on a final letter that was sent to the Fieldston community at large. “We are taking the opportunity brought by this incident not to discuss this particular speaker or his words, but to reaffirm our institution’s firmly held values,” she declared. “We will not accept Anti-Semitism. We will not accept racism. We will not accept sexism. We will not accept homophobia. We will not accept transphobia. We will not accept xenophobia. We will not accept hatred in all its ugly shapes and forms.”

Bagby’s response landed with a thud among Jewish parents, several of them told me. “That letter was worse than doing nothing,” one father explained, pointing out that school’s inability to single out anti-Semitism, coupled with the lack of any direct condemnation of the content of Ahmed’s remarks, reflected a lack of courage or willingness to stand up against this particular form of hatred. “It was simply a ‘fuck you,’ and entirely infuriating,” he said. Another parent I spoke with wearily acknowledged to herself that the school’s response was “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” and immediately began the process of finding another school for her children.

For these parents who’d themselves encountered incidents of anti-Semitism at Fieldston or watched their children endure such trials, there was a hope that if the school would only ramp up its educational offerings on the Holocaust or on anti-Semitic bias the campus experience of Jewish students would improve, several parents told me. There had been a time, they recalled, when the school held regular assemblies with Holocaust survivors, including a Holocaust Remembrance Day—which the school no longer includes in its annual calendar of events.

Yet, as some of these same parents recognized, Fieldston is a different place for Jews than it was before, perhaps because New York City is a different place. As one parent observed, Jewish education in New York happened every day for children who would encounter Holocaust survivors at the synagogue, at the kosher butcher’s, and at family birthday parties where explanations would accompany the tattoos on guests’ forearms. At this point, the expectation that elite schools like Fieldston will wholeheartedly embrace Jewish students—let alone encourage the kind of Jewish self-awareness that students are not receiving in their home environments—seems, at best, misplaced. All of which is rather unfortunate—and not just for Jewish students and their parents...

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I don’t agree with everything in this piece, especially with respect to the author’s “understanding” of intersectionality and white privilege. That being said, the underlying issue at Fieldston and the denial of antisemitism as an actual, real type of discrimination when Jews are being killed, beaten, and harassed for being Jews (regardless of whether we’re white or not) is something that bears acknowledgment.