#I remember how sad I've been when I bought the game and it gave you no options for body piercings

[chevvy-yates]

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⚠️ READ: Please do not repost/reupload any of my art here or to any other platform, or I will be forced to do anything to get it annihilated.

[qqqqqqqqqqq0]

[schnaf]

I kinda want to ask you all of them, but these are my favourites: 5, 10, 11 and 25 for the End of the Year Asks ✨

OOOOOOOH i would have been fine with that too ♥

5. TV show of the year?

oh godddd ironically i didn't watch any tv series this year (or at least i didn't finish any or it wasn't worth remembering i guess)....... but oh i've got a web series i guess? i got into UNHhhh this year and it became my comfort show ♥

10. Something that made you cry this year?

wOW before i looked up this question, i was still dwelling on that time on the train when i cried the whole time and then i saw there was a new episode of UNHhhh and it actually made me stop crying for 15 minutes ♥ i cried many, many times this year......... well, every year and it won't change next year i guess (except i donate my tear glands to science). i mostly cry out of frustration or anger, sometimes i'm straight up sad i guess, but i'm going to pick something nice and that's said train trip. it was the day after a concert and the concert was so neat and i was so happy and the next day.............................. i just cried for hours. because i missed it i guess? because i wanted to go back? but not even in a sad sense, in a "it's gone now and who knows when it will happen again". it was a lot.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

once again, i can refer to the previous question 😭 i want to see bands i love live again. luckily, i already bought tickets for january. (HOW AM I GONNA HANDLE IT WHEN ALL OF MY CONCERTS ARE OVER) i also want to go to london again which is connected to the january tickets. and i'd love to write a lot again ♥

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

OOOOOOF. so i don't have many actual oc's, most of them aren't worth mentioning. (i gave one of my main characters a little sister tho and i'm quite content with her because she's bitchy but also lovely) but hm in the big fic i started this year i have a set of besties and i love them and their dynamics ♥ one of them is rational, the other one emotional but the rational one can be really soft and the emotional one really mean. they're really close and even when they spend more time with their boyfies, they still don't let go of each other ♥

thank you so much! ♥

End of the year Asks

[squeakyfir]

I'm your huckleberry (Tombstone 1993) (Doc Holliday)

Description:

The joys of modern inventions and miracles are often taken for granted. Your hungry or thirsty? Get something from the fridge or make it. You need to go somewhere? Drive or call an uber. Your hurt? Go to the doctor.

Your bored? Watch a movie, play video games, watch videos on the internet, talk to people without ever leaving your house.

Some much time is in our hands... but back in the 19th century... you wouldn't last very long.

Diseases are rampant, gun violence is higher, no modern technology, barely any good medicine, almost all of your favorite food doesn't exist and most of the people are rude as hell. But... That doesn't mean all of them were so bad. Love was not something most people in this time really cared about. At least, in the town of Tombstone, Arizona.

After falling asleep with a nice looking stone you bought at a small stand at the carnival, your whole world becomes the opposite. Six people from the past discover you unconscious and alone in the blistering heat and offer help but it was their help that let you meet the most amazing man you've ever met.

John Henry "Doc" Holliday.

Chapter 9

Previous ~ Next

Three weeks... It's been three weeks. During that entire time, you were still being taught how to shoot guns and were given new clothes to try and fit in better and you still stuck next to the Earps the whole time. You were having a real hard time adjusting and it was starting to show. You missed your family, your dog, your home and your modern technological distractions. At least you had your phone and a way to charge it but you still missed it all.

Right now, you were with the Earps at the Oriental Saloon. Earlier that morning, Curly Bill was held for trial since Judge Spicer came back. Right now, you were at the bar being sad since you missed home while the Earps were playing pool and discussing Curly Bills trial. "So it takes Judge Spicer three weeks to get back to town and he says, "Well, did you actually see it?" I said "No. By the time I got there, Marshall White had already been shot." Then Spicer leans forward and he says, "Well, can't have a murder without a witness"". Wyatt then banged the counter with his fist which startled you a bit but you still remained silent.

"Case dismissed" Wyatt said concluding his story.

"What" Morgan asked in disbelief but then shook his head and went back to playing billiards. "Can you beat it" Wyatt asked. "After all that? Aw hell, who cares? None of my buisness anyway". Wyatt had given some money to Milt.

"God, I love this game" Morgan said cheerfully. "Say, (y/n)" Morgan said, "I sure hope this game is still around from where your from". You didn't respond. "(Y/n)"? The Earp brothers looked up and saw that you still had your back turned to them. You weren't drinking anything and just sat in silence. "Hey, (y/n)" Morgan asked as he came over. He was about to repeat his question but then saw that you were holding back more tears and that your lip was quivering. Morgan quickly put his cue down on the billiards table and when he went back to you, both Wyatt and Virgil knew something was wrong.

"Talk to me, what's wrong"? Wyatt and Virgil were on standby and listening to the conversation. Morgan still wasn't getting a response from you and gently took a hold of your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Come on, talk to your bestie". With your free hand, you wiped the tears from your eyes and quietly said, "I'm never going home, am I"? The Earp brothers heard that sad question and didn't know what to respond with. Being more than a hundred years into the future is enough to say that this kind of living is tough and hard to adapt to. Morgan sighed and said, "Listen. I know that this is difficult for you and everything you once had is gone but were here for you. Remember? We're besties! You and me"!

You looked over at him. "You got me, Wyatt, Virgil, Doc, our wives and I know that Sylvie cheers you up. I've seen the way you talk to her. You kinda act like a child when your with her-"

"Don't make fun of me" you said trying to hide your smile and spoke with a tone that made it sound like you were whining. They laughed at that statement.

"That's what I'm talking about" Morgan said and had his point proven. "Now, come on. Where's that smile at"? You hid your face from him. "Come on, (Y/n)" he said teasingly, "Don't make me coax it outta ya'". You still didn't budge and you put your face down into your arms. "Alright, suit yourself". You heard his footsteps and could tell he was right behind you. "Morgan, I wouldn't do that if I were you" Wyatt warned but you could hear it in his voice that he was smiling. Virgil was quietly laughing from the other side of the billiards table and didn't bother to stop Morgan from whatever he was about to do.

As you got more concerned with what Morgan was planning to do, you suddenly felt two hands clutch your sides and gently scratching you. You shrieked and started laughing but when you tried to flee, Morgan made sure you wouldn't escape. "So here's the solution" Morgan laughed. "If she's being difficult, just treat her like the child she is". You were squirming to try and get away from him but he was very strong. Wyatt and Virgil couldn't stop smiling but Wyatt was quick to notice your face getting red. "Alright alright, Morgan. Stop, let her breathe".

Morgan released you and ran over to the corner by a bench. "You happy now" you asked trying to sound mad but the smile on your face wouldn't go away. The Earp brothers just laughed at you. "I am now. Anything to see that beautiful smile on your face would cheer any man up" Morgan said and grabbing his pool cue to continue his game. "Your such a jackass".

"Oh, I'm sorry" Morgan said mockingly, "You need another go round"?

"No"! Morgan just laughed and went back to his game. "But thank you". He looked up and smiled at you. "I think I needed that".

"Did you now" Wyatt asked.

"Yeah. I've been so busy with multitasking that I started to forget some things. And that made me forget about what happened".

"You know" Wyatt said, "I think you tend to forget easily".

"No I don't"! You looked at the bench. "*gasps* A dog"! The Earps just laughed as you sat down and started petting the dog and Wyatt only rolled his eyes and muttered to his brothers. "See what I mean"? And then he spoke loud enough for you and his brothers to hear clearly. "I been thinkin', maybe we outta open up a place of our own, you know? There's the real money. Build it up, milk it for all it's worth, then sell it off for a bundle and breeze outta this burg with more money than Cresus and ready to live like kings. What d'ya think, Virg"? Virgil didn't respond and took a shot of a drink. "Virg? Why don't you and me take a walk around town and see if we can't spot us out a couple of nice lots"?

Virgil looked at him and shrugged but still looked like he agreed to the idea. "It's workin' out just like you said, Wyatt" Morgan said and then taking a drink from his glass pint. "Goddamn, boys, we're lootin' this burg six ways from Sunday".

"Pretty fun too, isn't it" Wyatt asked.

"Actually, yeah, I gotta admit". It was then that the Mayor walked into the Saloon and spoke right to Wyatt. "Excuse me, Wyatt, do you have a moment"? Wyatt looked up and already looked displeased. "Please, will you just hear me out-"

"Now hold on, Mayor" Morgan said. "He already told you no".

"You tell him, Morg" Wyatt said.

"What about you" the Mayor said, gesturing to Virgil. "You were a lawman". Virgil was on the side of the billiards table and calmly said, "I'm busy. We're all busy". Virgil started to make his way around to get in the right position to hit the cue ball. "Sorry, Mayor, but you're barkin' up the wrong tree".

"You know, you men are makin' a lot of money in this town. That's good. That's good. Good for you". The Earps then all looked at him and could tell he was being a bit sarcastic. "In the meantime, a lot of decent people are suffering". The Mayor then put his hands up in defeat and sarcasm. "But, please, don't let me take up anymore of your precious time". The mayor then walked out of the Saloon leaving the Earp brothers no different than before he walked inside. "Rack 'em" Wyatt said.

"I tell ya, I'm sufferin'. From a hangover" Morgan joked. As Wyatt and Morgan were racking up the billiard balls, Virgil sat on the bench next to yours and rested his head on his pool cue. He was lost in thought and it didn't last long. "Hey Virg, you wanna play another round" Morgan asked.

"No". Virgil stood up and announced he was going to take a walk. They understood but then Morgan asked you if you wanna play. You happily accepted and took Virgils cue and started the game. Wyatt only sat down where you sat and just watched you guys enjoy yourselves. Not long after, gunshots were heard and Morgan quickly dropped his pool cue to guide you away from the window with Wyatt getting close to you. It was the cowboys who shot their guns and they rode on past the Saloon not caring if they accidentally shot someone.

"They never stop do they" you asked.

"No" Morgan said. He convinced you to come back to the game and after a minute, Virgil came back and asked for Morgan to come with him. "Hey, (y/n). Why don't you tag along with 'em"?

"Oh, am I boring you" you asked sarcastically.

"No, of course not. I just got something to do. Go on, go with 'em". You shrugged and said goodbye to Wyatt and followed after Virgil and Morgan. They didn't say where they were going but they then went straight to the Sheriffs office and found the Mayor again. Virgil declared that he would accept their offer of being a local law enforcer and propose a new law. Virgil wanted Morgan to join him and Morgan accepted the idea. Unfortunately, the Mayor wouldn't accept you as one since women were not yet seen as relevant for enforcement. You just agreed to help out in any way you can.

Both Virgil and Morgan were sworn into service and started making new posters explaining the law.

THE MAYOR     COMMON COUNCIL

of the

CITY of TOMBSTONE territory or Arizona

Do Ordain as Follows.

1. It is hereby declared UNLAWFUL for any person to carry DEADLY WEAPONS, concealed or otherwise (except the same be carried openly in sight, and in the hand) within the limits of the city of Tombstone.

2. This prohibition does not extend to persons immediately leaving or entering the City, who, with good faith, and within reasonable time are proceeding to deposit, or to take such deadly weapons.

3. All fire-arms of every description, and bowie knifes and drinks, are included within the prohibition of this ordinance.

4. Any person or persons violating the provisions of this ordinance shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and, on conviction thereof, shall be fined in a sum not to exceed TWO HUNDRED and FIFTY dollars and costs, or imprisonment in the City Jail for a period not to exceed five months, or both at the discretion of the court.

5. That this ordinance shall take effect and be in force from and after due publication.

APPROVED April 19, 1881

Both Virgil and Morgan knew that Wyatt would be upset that they sworn into service but they would cross that bridge when it came. And when the time came to announce the law and hang up the posters, people were not happy and even started lighting torches and raising their guns. Morgan made sure you were close by and held onto the posters and nails as Virgil was nailing them into place and the town's people were right in front of you and Morgan, shouting and cursing at you all. "Hold on a minute! Wait a minute! Calm down and listen to me" Virgil said to get their attention and they all stopped shouting. "Nobody's sayin' you can't own a gun. Nobody's even sayin' you can't carry a gun. All were sayin' is you can't carry a gun in town".

The shouting resumed but Virgil and Morgan wouldn't back down. As people kept shouting, Wyatt had arrived and was not looking pleased, as was to be expected. "What in the hell are you doin'? I told you we weren't gettin' involved"!

"You got us involved when you brought us here" Virgil said and then walked back inside the Sheriff's office with Morgan having you be in front of him to guide you inside. "Now you hold on a minute, Virg" Wyatt said defensively.

"Hold on nothin'" Virgil said in a defensive tone also. Morgan had you stand next to him. "I walk around this town and look these people in the eyes, it's just like someone's slappin' me in the face. These people are afraid to walk down the street and I'm tryin' to make money of that like some goddamn vulture! If we're gonna have a future in this town, it's gotta have some law and order"!

"Please, Virg, don't do this to me"!

"It's got nothin' to do with you, Wyatt! It's got to do wi-"

"Nothin' to do with me!? I'm your brother for christs sake! God, I don't believe this"! Wyatt then turned his attention to Morgan. "Talk to him, will ya? Or hit him"! Morgan wouldn't and lifted his coat flap back to reveal a badge. "Ah God, don't tell me"!

"Like you said, Wyatt, we're brothers. Gotta back your brothers play. Just did like I figured you would". Wyatt couldn't believe this and looked at you. You only looked down and away from his gaze. "All right now, you listen to me, all of ya"! Wyatt then slammed the door shut and making you get behind Morgan. "For the first time in our lives, we got a chance to stop wandering and finally be a family. Now, this is trouble we don't need. You saw what happened to Fred White and how badly it messed her up" Wyatt said gesturing to you at the end of his sentence.

"We know what we're doin', Wyatt" Morgan said.

"Okay, fine. Say you're right, say you don't get yourself killed. There's somethin' else". Wyatt then brought up a fact he hated to think about. "All those years I worked those cow towns, I was only ever mixed up in one shootin'. Just one. But a man lost his life and I took it. You don't know how that feels, Morgan. Believe me, boy, you don't ever wanna know. Not ever". Both Virgil and Morgan stood stone faced and still didn't back down from their position. "Didn't even make a dent, did I"? Virgil and Morgan didn't respond and Wyatt knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with them. "Alright". Wyatt then took his gun belt off and shoved them into Virgils hands. "You're both makin' a big mistake".

Wyatt then marched out of the office and rode off back to the cottages. "Does this mean I don't get taught how to shoot a gun anymore" you asked nervously since they were fuming about what just happened. "No. I'm sure Doc will still teach you, but not here" Virgil said.

"I think you should head back to the cottages, (y/n)" Morgan suggested.

"I can't" you said quickly. "There's too many people out there and I can't deal with that right now".

"Alright, come on. I'll take you back" Morgan said. He knew the people outside would probably scream at you and he was well aware that you wouldn't be able to handle that. Virgil said he would continue with the posters and that Morgan would just take you to his cottage instead since Wyatt would probably talk your ear off and bother you. Of course, as you and Morgan walked outside, people continued shouting at you and Morgan guided you to Sylvie who was still awaiting for you. "Good girl" you said quietly.

As you and Morgan got on your horses, people were still shouting but they moved out of the way and you both raced off back to the cottages. Morgan could see you were exhausted and went ahead to let you crash on the couch in his cottage. You said goodnight to him and Lousia and went to bed. It was safe but also tragic to say that you were probably stuck here forever but you knew that the Earp brothers and their wives and Doc Holliday were your besties and that was a huge relief.

You were grateful but afraid of what the future held in store for you but knew that as long as they were by your side, you would be safe no matter what.

[selamat-linting]

there was a few things i missed and got wrong on my homestuck liveblog yesterday. first of all, i mistook terezi with kanaya with that morallegiance chat with vriska. makes sense, they used to be roleplay buddies until that mess of an incident. not taking away vriska's responsibility from that clusterfuck but, wonder how much of it is doc scratch influence. good god girl, why are you gambling with a literal god? also WHY rose is trusting that white ball asshole? i dont like him at all. he's basically responsible to a lot of the mess the trolls and beta kids is going through.

anyway, at the last page i left off, terezi and vriska's attitude towards each other is largely shown in the boy-off with dave and john. with karkat screaming in the background (he always screams in the background). so its easy to miss that theyre very much in a weird complicated, frenemy state with each other. that in between space where you're not sure if theyre genuinely fucking hates each other or theyre ribbing on each other like two meanspirited friends do. i've been there sister, i've been there.

speaking of vriska (again, because she is my child who has every disease), oh her relationship/friendship with tavros is very conflicted and, i dare say, delicious? this is something that im sure would hit even harder if tavros wasnt relegated to the butt of ableist jokes more than he's treated as a character but. trust me. imagine youre tavros. your friend(?) is vriska. she crippled you, she saved your life, she berates you at every turn, she kissed you. deep down she only wants best for you. she wanted you to kill her. she wanted you to hate her enough to do it. she doesnt want to bleed to death alone. she's begging you to kill her. she's could have forced you to do it but she doesnt. because this is for you both to grow stronger and survive. thats all she wanted all along. for you both to thrive in a world that eats you alive. she needs you to kill her. oh god *head in hands*

-so its really really sad to see vriska being so lonely after killing tavros. she dug a hole too deep to get out alone and the remaining friends she had that could have accepted her again are all dead or too burned out of her. i wish they both can meet each other again. just to talk and find closure. like, tavros deserves to be angry with vriska and he deserves to have that peace he always wanted from her. and vriska deserves to start being a better person and getting some peace of mind. she deserves a chance, is all im saying. like, its okay if tavros cant give it to her. but some of her friends could. maybe terezi? the worst they ever do to each other in terms of direct harm is the eye injury. or maybe karkat? oh god i dont want to hear them arguing, i would go deaf!

-at least vriska has john! its nice to see them being friends with each other. Tbh john has been a breath of fresh air (hehe) in all the doom and gloom. im not looking forward to him meeting his dead dad but right now, my boy is walking around the village with one of the finest music i heard so far. and then he drive a flying car with WV. its just, he is so positive and amidst a set of characters who lost all of their innocence, he remains as the one guy who tries to enjoy the game and take everything in stride. he felt smug when the salamanders keep referencing in his title, he bought everyone hats and snacks, he gave moral support to vriska. the harley and egbert family is so positive about everything and its so endearing!

-AND JADE! fuck yeah she's starting to show how awesome she is. YES JADE say fuck you to karkat! its been long overdue!!! she also should say fuck you to vriska too as a treat. and fuck you to tavros too. and fuck you to that prince of hope (more like doom lol) who blew up her computer. she deserve monetary compensation to deal with that troll polycruel.

-special mention to dave btw. i dont remember him doing anything particularly exciting lately but i believe he's the one carrying the team. john and jade had to do their quest to be effective in defeating the english demon guy (the brits are all demons lol) and rose had to be their prime researcher and strategist, so he basically did the save everyone's ass part. i cant wait to see him hang out with terezi. Also is it bad of me to want him go godtier? Like, it would be interesting.

-and other time aspect characters i want to appreciate, aradia! babygirl have finally get rid of her hopelessness and come back to life! and now she's bringing the gang back together!!! and putting the pieces on why gamzee suddenly breaks. too bad gamzee never had a chance to show his personality. anyway, im starting to think i was wrong about lil cal. like, i think it was posessed but oh no its just bro moving him around, but somehow that fucking puppet is the one wrapped up in literally everything. aradia finds that shitty doll and somehow its connected to gamzee losing it and the game sgurb and doc scratch and... whats going on????

-in conclusion, timebound kids are always the one carrying the team. they are hard to find but theyre the one who could determine how you win or lose the game.

-but how can i forget? kanaya! she came through. i really thought she was dead! but she is alive, and she kills people with a chainsaw than apply lipstick to her bloodstreak lips. she is trying so hard to be Hinged. final girl behavior fr. i wonder how she's going to meet rose again. i hope she talked rose out of that suicide mission.

-and can we talk about karkat? man, imagine leading an army of kids who did kill and maim each other before the game even starts. imagine being the lowest of the social hierarchy and trying to make the most toxic friendgroup filled with racists and murderers to listen to you. imagine being able to do that despite all the odds, bring them to victory, and have the price right on your hands only for it to be ripped away and your friends devolve into chaos and murder several hours later. its a failure of untold magnitude. no wonder he's so disturbed and angry at himself and everyone.

-okay now that im done with the characters. i want to compliment how good everyone looks. the art and the fashions are all sooo amazing. the talksprite is also wonderful. im inclined to change my pfp into feferi's talksprite because i like her design so much. also because hooray! She's just dead, not corrupted by horrorterrors. in my mind she is laughing at tavros and doomed dave rap battle while surrounded by beautiful scenery

-also, i cant believe infinite stairs are referenced AGAIN with sollux and karkat. and SMUPPET ASS JOKE? on tavros dead body? lmao. okay i need to see smuppet ass on dave again. he was just so funny with it. and karkat shipping craze with jadesprite and jade. the jokes are really good, fr

[hagfishviperfish]

i spend so much time inside :( i feel like it's slowly killing me because i'm so sad, i want to be active and participate in a life but there's not much out there. how do you even go about doing these things? and i'm so shy and passive! for as long as i've been alive there's always been so many people i'm interested in and yet i've never dared to involve myself with a single one...i watch from afar and think about what could happen...waiting for them to come to me i guess?

i don't know if there's ever been a time i've ever regretted approaching someone, even if in the end i disliked them. there's maybe a few but it's on my behalf, because some of them i struggled to keep in touch with...

there were two nice men on tinder i met. one i talked to for a while one night about music and where we were from and what our lives were like. his name was kenny. i'm mentioning it because i think it's an endearing name. he seemed so sweet, sensitive? i think he was a skateboarder but not at all like the dehydrated wolf-like types. more teddy bear-like. he was telling me about his record collection that he was proud of, and i caught him at a moment where he was listening to one in the dark, savoring the music. i think there was like a second where he was like be right back i'm going to go heat up some leftovers. i asked about them and he was talking about his family’s cooking. it felt cozy. then i gave him my number and he was trying to reach out to me and we talked about his work and his commute and it was just that, and i just like... for some reason i stopped responding.

i really struggle talking to people who just like don't ask the mutual questions about my life. i don't know. maybe it's because i can't share things on my own very well. maybe it's because it's texting. i really hate. that my only way to reach other people is through texting. it's so easy to become numb, to be more...nitpicky

the second one was really interesting to me. it appeared he was an artist, he designed his own tattoo, he worked at a sheetz, he texted me first, telling me i seemed relatable and cool but i was too far. and then we plotted a murder together and were silly. and eventually he was texting me while he was at a party and drunk so i stopped responding because it was kinda weird, i don't know, it felt when you're like, not really intruding but stepping into someone else's conversation when there's no room for you. after that i just moved on but a few months later of using tinder i was going to delete it and i realized, this guy was the only person on there who really held a conversation with me and actually shared a semblance of my sense of humor. so i was like heyy i'm deleting the app... how are you, any luck, if you want my number, yadda yadda ya... this time we actually start getting to know each other, and we go to imessages, and we have these conversations about the games we like and movies and books and our art and all sorts of stuff. but again. i just stopped responding.

this time it wasn't because he wasn't asking, in fact he was. but. i don't know why. maybe it's because he wasn't right in front of me or something. i remember being nitpicky. something about how he described a dream about his "abuser" and "besting them" and i was like man what? but i still feel bad about it because there are so many different ways people experience life and i worry that i am too close-minded by considering my way The Way. that's not what made me stop responding though. i think it was just life, going on, we really were far from each other. he bought rain world because i mentioned it and would send me little clips of him playing it. everytime i went a bit without texting him he would check in like how are you. the last time i drifted off he sent me a picture of him at a concert, again checked in, but i still haven't responded. just because. i don't know why. i think some things just aren't meant to be but i don't know

i've been feeling so much how socializing is numbed through a screen. the amount to which you connect to people is still there, not wholly negated, but it's less. substantially less. your pleasure centers aren't really activated because you're just pressing buttons on a screen, not pulling the lever with your whole body in a grueling process...

except! i've never! been able! to pull! the lever! i don't know why! i can't even remember what could have caused this. maybe people were too mean to me in school; i remember one time a girl who i thought was my friend, i was talking to her, mid conversation, 6th grade, she blurts out "your breath smells weird" or something and then turns away when i'm mid-sentence. maybe it's things like that? but it doesn't matter, because i'm not young anymore. and i want my life to change and i want to change it. however i am not bold but i think my life would be so enriched if i were to act on the things i wanted to do most. even if it's just like. daring to initiate a conversation with someone i find interesting.

ugh

———

And thats not even to mention, naturally i don’t think being inside for too long is good for me. obviously. i feel like there’s a change that occurs and i lose senses of self among other things. i become my only reference for the outside world, and i start to believe i’m esoteric— impossible to relate to, unable to fit in.. the things that are weird about me become exemplified to me but they’re also things that make me feel so safe. at the same time actualized in myself. except isolated even more and most of all. i hope there is a way i can bridge the gap some day and feel able to express the parts of me that are strange while still feeling like a member of society

and i get really pessimistic and tired. i think tired is just a common state with me but the more reserved i act the more reserved i become. how do i undo this. on top of that it becomes easier for me to make up all these reasons to not talk or relate to someone. i think i’ll always kind of do that, but when someone’s in front of you, you develop a tolerance that is much more inherent. it’s how humans have navigated their lives for thousands of years. i desperately wish i could experience it and be apart of it instead of lingering in this state of “Suspension”

[watery-pancake]

Jason

To my first real love.

I regret our time together. Not in the way I regret meeting you, falling in love with you, living with you and all that couple stuff. I regret the person I became. I really did love you, something I've been denying for a long time. I wrote long paragraphs about you, but it never felt right with you, so I deleted them. I went homeless for you, I lost myself to birth control for you. The person I was before I met you is dead. I regret my weakness for men. I always lose myself in the pursuit of grasping every bit of love I can get, and you were the prime victim. You were dumb enough to never see past my intentions, believing me when I blamed you for my delusions.

You too were selfish enough to think improving as a person was bad, since it was a form of change. You've always been so terrified of change. Maybe because how your ex completely changed on you, so it traumatized you. It makes sense, so I can't blame you too harshly. But as a man 2 years my senior, by then you should have realized how isolating it is to be cooped up in your 2x4 room, playing games all day and working like going to p.s.5. You're the same child you were when you were younger. We matched in that way; too traumatized to be a child, too stunted to be adults.

When we broke up I thought I never loved you. I told that to those around me, and somehow I began believing that lie too. I still harbor some love for you, though I know all sense of kindness for me in your heart was gone. You weren't who I needed, and I wasn't who you needed. We weren't compatible. It was as surface level as teen relationships go, but felt as real as a true love. Though, I know that now, it wasn't true love. You were lonely, and so was I. We understood each other, we were both drowning, but together it felt like we could breathe.

I regret moving in with you. 3 years together and yet I don't think there ever would have been a good time. I needed someone to help me when I was too disabled to care for myself, and you believed your mother when she simply said I was lazy. Same as my own mother, yet the bare minimum kindness she showed me broke me. She bought me a cake for my birthday. Even then, I've still never had a cake that *I* wanted. It's always been what someone else thinks I want, and is an incorrect assumption. I hate frosting too thick, but it was better than the empty words of celebration you gave me. You never bought me a gift, or took me on a date, or did something to surprise me. But yet I still loved you the same, since it was better than being lonely. Your empty words only satiated my gaping heart for so long, before the incessant fights started.

When we broke up, I met someone new. I think you two would have been good friends, since him and I are so similar. It would be nice to still be friends with you. I would still like to, but I know it'll never happen. I never want anything closer than a surface level friendship with you; wanting to include you in my life again doesn't mean an invite to recreate the past. What's done is done. I still love you, the way a human can love another. Not intimately, or in unrequited feelings. But acknowledging the time we had together, in respect to the good and endless bad.

I know you're seeing someone new, and I hope you two get married, and that one day I see a random post online of a face too similar to yours to not be an offspring. I won't feel gutted, I'll feel happy you finally got your wish. It was good we ended, I know despite saying you would have been fine being childless, it was a lie. You would be a terrible father, but better than your own. You would feel fulfilled. I'll be here with my lover, watching from afar. Soon will a day come where I don't remember your middle name, then your last, then your first. And then, the past will be forgotten.

Even typing this, I don't know how to feel about you. Angry? Sad? Happy? IDK! On one hand, you caused me to experience a trauma I'll never fully recover from. On the other, my sick mind caused a trauma too. Possessive, wanting you at all times. Causing fights for no reason. You were too passive, never wanting to actually fix things, instead just giving me these empty promises. You'd promise to change, then immediately go back on your word. It was an endless cycle, of me telling you my needs, you promise to change, you lie, then I have to tell you again. You blame your ADHD for not allowing you to remember, then refuse proper therapy. I only wanted to help you, but you just saw it. Change.

Humans change, and when I did, I realized I wasn't the same girl as when we met. I changed, something I promised you I wouldn't. It would be the only lie I told you in the time we had.

I hope you're okay. I hope your new room in your new house is bigger. Maybe your new girlfriend lives with you too. I hope you're happy, and she is too. I never want to be your girlfriend again. I regret being your girlfriend, ever. We should have stayed friends.

I should have never fallen in love with you, but yet it happened. Oh well.

The new love I have is wonderful. He gives me everything I begged your deaf ears for. He would make a decent father, unlike you. Not the best in the world, but enough for a child to think back as an adult and recognize the love he has, and he tried his hardest. I know I'll never be a bride. With him, I realized something I was never sure with you. I'm not sure if my answer to a proposal would be a certain no.

I feel like Summer, from 500 days of Summer. She would have never married Tom. I wish I was like her, smart enough to know not to pursue a doomed relationship. She knew her boundaries. My 15 year old mind didn't.

Maybe this time around, love and fate will be on my side. I hope it is. Even if this damaged flesh fails, it will be remembered in love by him.

I hope I never see you again. Try to save some money, k? You'll never play all those games in your lifetime, might as well buy a car with the money you make. That is, unless your mother hasn't already taken all of it.

Bye.

[morning-star-joy]

Hello, ray of sunshine!💞

I wanted to let you know what kind of impact you have on people; not only you healed my tiny little heart about Joel with ASHWAH universe, all chapters and extras (I was heartbroken about Joel's fate in TLOU2, but you healed me, so I think you know which little anon I am hihi), but after I saw on your Tumblr about someone called "Arthur" and tags with "#rdr2" I did my research, bought the game and now I am just, wow, you can't imagine how much it helps me this gameplay in my "free, personal time", when I take study breaks, to cope with the stress of a big exam that I have to take in november.

I hope that all your days are happy days.✨️

Keep up the amazing work you do with the fanfics. Hugs and looove!💞

PS- I also have a cat, called Luna, and one of yours looks like her and everytime you post them I am just so happy!🤍

MY LOVE 😭😭😭 yes I do know you!! I remember the messages you’ve sent me before with so much fondness, you have no idea how much your words have touched my heart and soul.

I need you to know that I cried when I got this, and have teared up every time looking at it since, including now, in the absolute best possible way. The day you sent this to me was really rough for me. I was dealing with depression just about life in general, and it was overtaking my thoughts about everything, including my stories.

It was just a really hard day. I was feeling very lonely and just sad, and with your kindness you reminded me of why I do any of this in the first place: to write what I love, and cultivate a space where people can feel safe not only in my stories, but like they can say things like you’ve told me here, and before.

I am overjoyed that you started playing Red Dead!! That game is really special to me. The experience of it is truly like no other, and I've also found so much peaceful calm replaying myself recently. I'm really happy that it's been able to help you with school stress🥺

If there was a way I could hug you right now I would. You have no idea how much I needed this, and how you gave me happiness in a day that wasn't so great just with your wish. Your kindness means the world. Sending SO many hugs and much love back to you 💜💜

(PS right back: AHHH I love that!!!! Fun fact, Freya's name was Jupiter when we got her. Their entire litter had space themed names, and we were considering Luna for her name for a bit! But we went with Freya and she's grown into it a bit too much haha. Give your Luna love for me!)

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you lady robin hood lefty eyebag 🤣 if we're the duo, does that mean I'm little john righty eyebag???

Did you guys make the chocolate mousse or bought from the store? And that sandwich sounds amazing, bet it was delish. When you eat sandwiches, do you have chips with it too? Do you have certain chips you pair with certain sandwiches? Like when I have turkey bacon ranch club, I have it with sour cream n onions. Meatball subs, I gotta have it with bbq chips.

Yeah, work gets boring a lot of times when there are no customers. I mean I guess I can do laundry but that's it haha I was thinking of getting one of those stand up desk next year though, or a rolling one, so I can at least move around.

Speaking of your crush, you said she is in NC right? Was she near the place where they were having power outages? I guess some bad stuff happened around that area because of it.

Oh geez, you went dark with the whole kayak thing lol but I know what you mean. When I did it, I remember being scared because I was going too far from people...and I don't know how to swim, so I would've been SOL if I tipped over.😅

I've seen white water rafting and no no no. It looks scary especially with the big rocks. I actually went fishing when I was in Georgia during the summer. I enjoyed it, but I don't know the difference between the those.. my mom just gave me a stick with the string on it and then we were on the dock just chilling waiting for a bite.

I haven't tried axe throwing yet, it's on my list for next year though. And yes! I've heard of that break room thing. I think there is one here, but not sure. It looks fun, I want to try that too and just take a bat a break everything.

I haven't really thought about that. I know for sure I want the healthcare stuff more affordable.

Have you ever done something bad that nobody knows about?

-CuriousGeorge

lol, yes u r the little john righty eyebag. I really laugh out loud when i read the nicknames.

no, i bought it at the store and it actually pretty good. i didnt finish it because it's pretty rich, so I'm gonna keep it for tomorrow. :D

Thank you! yeah the sandwich is pretty good! I like it. do you like your bacon soft or crispy? no, i dont eat my sandwich with chips. i'm not really a big chip person. oh wow you really take the sandwich - chips pairing pretty serious. hahaaha. I eat my sandwich as it is :D

Do you like tuna sandwich? do you like egg salad sandwich and fried egg sandwich?

ouh thats good idea if u get the table.. I hope you do and maybe it will help :)

yes, she is in NC but I dont know where in NC she is. I don't know that there is an outage nor if it happens near where she is because to be honest, I havent talked to her since thanksgiving which is sad :( and what's worse is, today is her birthday too. I miss her and I miss talking with her but oh well.. I hope she has a good birthday day. :D

hahaha well what if it really happens and nobody there to help u? didnt mean to ruin ur moment with kayaking :D yeah plus i dont know how to swim in the deep water.

White water rafting is scary but at least if something bad happen, it will happen fast n not like you slowly dying if your kayak tip over. hahaha. just kidding. sometimes i have a dark sense of humor, pardon me. :P

ah okay, well, I looove fishing. I have tried fresh water fishing to catch some Bass fish. My favorite is deep sea fishing to catch different kinds of tuna or yellowtail or mahi mahi. I love the intense feelings when I was trying to reel the fish in but the fish fight. It's like a strategy game so ur line wont break. I think the biggest I've caught is mahi mahi fish / dorado. it's pretty fish, try google it :D. the one i caught was 15lb and 4 ft in size. it took 20 minutes for me to reel it in. The fish bit my bait n I was in the back part of the boat, n that fish move around so i have to follow it. By the time I caught it, I was already in the front part of the boat. lol.

Tuna is a different fighter. They tend to swim or dive down deeper super fast when they fight after bit the bait. So it's heavier to reel it in.

I have also tried fly fishing, it's a different way of fishing. n I caught different kind salmon. I went to Alaska to do it. It was fun, fly fishing is more calming and relaxing because you do it in the river and just keep casting the fake fly bait again n again until the fish bite it.

Rock bottom fishing is fun but kinda tricky, because u let your bait fall down so deep and u hv to keep the bait "moving or jumping a bit" by moving the pole up n down gently n when u catch it, it's heavy n take a longer time because of the weight u put on the bait n it was all the way down.

I really wanna try ice fishing and spare fishing. But i can never do spare fishing because i can't swim. lol.

Sorry, i know u didn't ask anything about fishing but I ramble about it. I didnt mean to be sound like a know-it-all. I just love fishing and I miss it. I havent go fishing for a while but i love talking about it :D even though i dont know much and just talk about it from what i hv experienced.

haha yeah i wanna try the break room too. i think there is one like an hour from me, but i have to do reservation too n i think u pay depends on the size of think that u wanna break. :D

I can't really recal something bad that i did n nobody knows about it. i will tell u if i can remember it. what about u?

next question?

CHeerio!

[journey-to-the-attic]

Excited vibrating cause those additions were SO GOOD! *furiously taking notes*

Considering Barbatos Demon has time/space powers, maybe he was the one to sort of help keep the memories buried? Like, trauma is a big factor but Barbatos gave it that extra poke to keep it hidden, both for Diavolo, whom he had a soft spot for since Diavolo's creche days, and for IK, who was probably not even out of the creche herself when she fell.

I haven't played the game in a while but from my remembering creche (does that have a plural?) are sort of like little classrooms where a bunch of similarly aged angels are guided together. So IK probably was used to being around a bunch of other kids/angels for a lot of time before being kicked out?

So maybe little demon IK both being very comfortable being in the thick of it with all the angels/humans/Solomon, while also not understanding why/can't explain why? Solomon is used to IK constantly being near/around him, but IK also manages to do things like insert herself as a Belphie pillow, or like previously mentioned constantly giving every bell Solomon gives her away (he started cursing them but it seems Lucifer started purifying the bells before Mammon could touch them, so the curses so far have been ineffective).

Hm, making IK fallen angel, then does that mean she is perhaps wary of Diavolo? Assuming someone takes over Belphie's role of hating humans (but angels because what are humans exactly and subconsciously because she's repressing). Could also do something with Solomon. Either hates humans for something that happened in his past, or later hates angels (Diavolo) if he finds out about IK's past.

Btw! I meant the kid just liked to copy what cultures do with remains (as a call back to her having seen a corpse before in normal jtta) but it's funny, the idea of this little demon kid using her "My adoptive dad's an important man in hell" to just die in random ways, whatever way interests her atm.

Maybe one of the brothers are explaining their tragic past and IK tries to empathize with her (many) 'death' experiences.

"We were burned at the stake for being 'sinners', supposedly. It was all lies, ones still bought on Earth apparently, but we are still together in heaven now. Mostly..." cue sad face when remembering Lilith, while IK is thinking.

"... Oh! Don't think I tried that yet. Thanks for the idea, I'll tell you how it goes later!"

"Wait, what-"

Cue panicking brother, to panicking brothers, to everyone associated with the exchange program panicking minus Solomon, who just reminds IK to bring an extra set of clothing.

I've got other ideas too but brain to buzz-buzz right now, glad that the role swap was taken well!

-anon who suggested it

ik comes into the dining room while everyone’s eating breakfast, covered in ash and smelling extremely smoky, and announces, “it didn’t hurt very much, it felt like a bath without the water.” lucifer looks across the table and is like “what are you talking about??”

ik answers, “oh, i set myself on fire” and the table goes into an UPROAR. after this she takes to just sitting in fireplaces and stuff to relax, and it gives the others (excluding solomon) a heart attack every single time

as for the someone taking belphie’s place... it’s not quite the same thing, but i remember you saying that luke was raised in an orphanage/school by the ‘religious’ figures who had the brothers executed, or something along those lines, right? maybe, since they taught him, he’s under the impression that demons are irrevocably evil and need to be eradicated - since the figures would have assumed that the brothers were sent to hell for their ‘sins’

and to kill a demon, you’d need something very holy, like pure celestial light or something - not the same as the celestial realm’s sunlight, which demons can be under no problem, but some kind of pure angelic power that can wipe out demon ‘darkness’. humans can handle it via powerful magical instruments, and maybe luke has one from the orphanage?? maybe he wears something like a rosary that operates in that way, and he finds out he can use it to channel pure light... which he can then use to attempt to exorcise those demons.

[bradshawsbaby]

Came here to cry and rant basically??

I've been working and trying to find a new job this summer, and have put looking for new online classes on the back burner until I realized that it's August and I should probably sign up. Well, Wednesday night, I realized that I don't remember my password to sign into the site and I applied the security question to change passwords only to realize, the email I had originally gave them, WAS MY SCHOOL EMAIL. The one I can't access because I don't remember what my password is.

So Thursday I went to live chat, told the bot my issue, and it was like "a ticket has been created" Okay, cool. Now it's a small waiting game. Friday afternoon, during my break, I checked my normal email and I still haven't gotten anything from the live chat.

I get home and double check when school starts, thinking it's the 27 because that's what I saw on August 1st, only to find out that school starts on the 22, not the 27.

Cue my anxiety and tears because I fucked up. I switched the dates, I'm dyslexic and this happens more than I'd like to admit 😭. So I messaged the live chat again like, "Hey, school starts Monday, can some of y'all help me out" and I still haven't gotten anything and don't think I will seeing as it's pass 5pm.

Today was already a crappy day and I really didn't need this added on. To top it all off, I was going to drown my sorrows with pasta salad and a Yankee game but I find out they're playing on Apple TV and I don't have that. 😭😭

I've prayed for guidance but I can't help feeling like a duck caught in a current.

And I'm going to my besties son's birthday party this weekend and I just feel like I'm so far behind compared to her?? I know life isn't a race but we're both 23 and she's already an assistant manager at the grocery store she works at, she just bought her first home, she's engaged, and her and her fiance have two kids, AND she told me that she's done having kids.

And while I have a job, I'm no where close to where she is. I could cry honestly. Her family is very sweet. Her little sister is super excited to see me, one of her coworkers is excited to meet me, but I'm just dreading the "how are you" because I don't know how I am. I'm an emotional pigeon right now that is one paper cut away from drowning in my own tears.

Sorry for the long rant, I know you probably weren't expecting this and you're probably like 😳😳 with it. And I'd normally turn to my sister or another bestie but they're busy 😅😅

Oh, I’m so sorry!!! I wish I could give you a big hug!!! ❤️

Is there any way you can get a real person on the phone? I find it so frustrating when you have to go through a million and one bots before you can actually talk to someone with a pulse. All my tech issues have always been resolved 100 times faster when I can speak to an actual human being. I hope all of your password/registration issues get resolved quickly!

In terms of all the other stuff, I wish I had some great advice to give or some wise words that would make you feel better. But I understand. It’s really hard. At 28, I definitely thought I would have certain things in my life that I still don’t have. And while I’m certainly happy with everything that I do have, it’s not easy to see all my friends and former classmates getting engaged and getting married and having babies. Sometimes it’s okay to just sit in the sadness of that and to mourn the things you wish you had. You don’t have to begrudge anyone else the things they have, but it’s okay to wish you had them, too.

All I can say is that comparison really is the thief of joy. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, just hold onto the hope that one day it’s going to be your turn and everything is going to work out the way it’s meant to. I wish I had more to say to make you feel better, but my ask box is always open whenever you need to chat! 💕

[possessedbyadisease]

The people who's deaths affected me greatly:

- Monty Oum: ive been a huge fan of his since watching Dead Fantasy. The way he animated fight scenes was so unique and exciting. And I loved watching his ddr videos. He was the reason I got to meet some online friends that i still consider to be close. People that loved the things that I loved, people that I could confide in about things that I normally couldn't my irl friends. When he died, it felt so surreal. I remember being in a college class, and not being able to concentrate. My friend, who had talked to him more often than I did, was even more so affected.

- my best friend from college: I remember asking her a question in a biology class, and that essentially put us on the path to becoming good friends. I was with her when she needed an oil change for her first car. Prior to her death, she was supposed to get married. My one regret was allowing my mental health at the time take over to the point I stopped hanging out with friends, including her. I wish I could have been with her for the last time.

- my maternal grandpa: I wont lie.....I wasn't as sad about my grandpa's death initially, but that's mostly because we had never met in person. Our first and last meeting was on Skype, when my family in the Philippines managed to come up with enough money to afford a computer and internet. The moment he saw my face, as well as my mom's, he cried. It had been 20 years since he last saw his daughter, and the first time seeing me. The thing that made me sad about his death was that we would never be able to meet in real life. I've always had.....complicated feelings towards my family (mostly on the paternal side) but with my maternal grandparents, even tho I never really got to grow up with them, I felt.....loved. and cherished by them. When I traveled to the PH for the first time, to view his grave, my maternal grandma treated me with such love and care, that I didn't know how to feel. She didn't judge me, nor looked down on me.....she made me food, and gave me a Lei of sampaguita. She made me feel special. She was like those grandmas you see on TV, who would bake you cookies and sing you a lullaby. I reckoned had my grandpa still lived, he would have done the same.

Chadwick Boseman: this was a death that affected many greatly. His portrayal of Black Panther was unique, and special. He was a strong and diligent leader, but also empathetic and kind. His performance at the end of Civil War, in particular, stuck with me; his speech about Vengeance towards Baron Zemo struck a cord with me.

I remember prior to his death being concerned at how skinny he had become in interviews. People would make fun of him and make jokes that he's doing drugs or something; not realizing he was very, very sick, and growing weaker as the days went by. The day he died, I didn't think I would be affected; but I was. I cried a lot for this man, who kept his illness a secret for so long from the public, just so he can take on a role that would mean so much to many people; especially little boys and girls of color. It hurts to see this man die so soon, someone who was looked up to by so many kids; kids who saw something in him that was also present within them.

Billy Kametz: prior to learning about Billy, I had already unknowingly heard his voice in many anime roles: Josuke, Naofumi, etc., but it was Ferdinand von Aegir in Fire Emblem: Three Houses where I first heard his name. He, alongside the entire voice cast of FE3H, brought a lot of joy and comfort to me during the three years of this pandemic. The game was the 1st game I bought with the last paycheck I got from my job before they laid me off. I spent days upon days playing and replaying that game. There were days when the uncertainty of real life would cause me great distress; but every time I heard the words "I am Ferdinand von Aegir!!" It would make me laugh out loud, and then, it would make me smile. In that moment, i was Ferdinand von Aegir; a noble knight on a horse, proud and strong, and I'd forget a little about how shitty the world has become.

When Billy announced his cancer not too long ago, I immediately thought back to Chadwick; I thought, "oh no. Not again. This can't be happening again." It doesn't help that it was the same type of cancer that took Chadwick. I was scared again. I didn't know these people personally, but i was afraid for him. Watching Billy's video talking about his diagnosis, seeing how skinny he had become in such a short span of months......this world is just too cruel.

Today, I learned on twitter that he passed away. I cried a lot, for a person I never met in person. I have a streamily print featuring Ferdinand and Hubert at tea time, autographed by both Billy and Robbie Daymond. I was hoping one day, once I own my own house with its own reception/living room, I would turn it into a tea or coffee room, and then I would hang that poster up, for all the guests to see. I still plan on doing that someday......but for now, I think I want to hang it up in my room, so that I can remember, that someone so talented and so loved by a wonderful community existed.

FYI, this post doesn't really have.....a specific purpose. With how today went, I just wanted to vent a little. Death is suppose to be a natural part of the circle of life, but it's also the one that hurts most. Once someone is gone, they're gone for good. No more text messages, no more impromptu trips to In-N-Out with them.......family gatherings have an empty void where they once stood. The squeaky toy your favorite pet used to play with, is still stuck under the shed, gathering dust, and cobwebs, and dissolving from the weather. Movies, and shows don't feel, or sound, the same. Weddings, birthday parties, graduations suddenly become a memorial.

Admittedly, it gets better with time; but there will always be moments in our lives, where a memory, or an image of someone we love appears in our minds, and we can't help but break down and cry, even years later. Despite all that, we're forced to wipe our tears and keep moving forward, as best as we can; if not for our sake, then for the people we still have in this world, as well as for the sake of the loved ones we lost, who would have wanted us to keep going.

I don't know how best to end this post except: please, hold your loved ones close.

[the-night-moves-writing]

Good For You

Dean Winchester X Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Takes place right after Swan song, Dean leaves the reader for Lisa and the apple pie life, after Sam's death

Warnings: General angst and sadness

Characters: Past Dean x Reader, (Platonic) Sam x Reader, Lisa (mentioned), Ben (mentioned)

Word count: 881

A/N: This is my first time writing anything for this so feedback is very appreciated

A/N 2: If you wanna part two let me know, i kinda tried to leave the ending open in case i wanted to come back but for now its a one shot.

Dean left me, I didn't leave him. All of this for her where the grass on the other side wasn't all that greener. I know what he just went through losing Sam but he forgets that I lost my best friend. All I ever wanted was stolen from me, by death, by her, so I guess he got what he always wanted.  Good for him. I'm so sorry that I could never be enough for him, how could Lisa, was it because of her son, Ben. Does he even remember me in his new life? I don't think so, but I hope it is everything he ever wanted. Dean’s life was agonizing where leaving me was better than staying. After working through the death of my bestfriend i had to work through this.

The stages of grief are a weird way to put it because Dean's not dead. That's what it was though, first denial. Those first couple of days were rough, not feeling anything. I thought I would wake up and he would still be there, him and my best friend. They didn't weren’t and when I would get up it would all hit me again. Like a train flying off the track and I was the conductor. Then the pain came next and it hurt. The man that told me we would get married someday, that told me he loved me left. I had no one to turn to so looking at pictures was the way that I coped with losing both of them. I couldn't figure out how to make the pain go away so I drank and drowned my sorrows.

The only thing at the bottom of that bottle was anger. I thought about going and finding him all the time. I thought that maybe i could fix it, whatever was wrong i could fix it but he was the one who wouldn't let me. I could knock on his door and drag him away from there, I could fix it if he gave me a chance. He didn't, but did it cross his mind to be even slightly sorry. Does he even care that he might be wrong? That we could work it out, but maybe if I shut my mouth and watched him leave and let him go would that be good for him? Did he have a blast dragging me along, crushing me and leaving me here. Was it all a game to him, my feelings, our relationship.

Then the depression kicked in. I wished during that time I had brushed my teeth more. Got out of bed and ate, was i really so dependent on him. This was sad. Maybe it was due to losing both of them on the same day. But I lost them, they were gone and I was still here. Still stuck here in this place of misery. Not having the ability to leave, there stuff was still here, his favorite flannel, his brother's favorite wallet I bought him for christmas.

Then the bargaining. Maybe just maybe I could give all of this back, if I gave it back he would explain. Maybe even contact her, could Lisa know why he left? I wish he would tell me I tried and there was nothing I could have done, but he didn't. Maybe he wants something, money, his old stuff, his brothers stuff. I just want to know why can't I know? Why won't he tell me? I'm not religious, never have been but I prayed during those weeks for both of them to come back. I don't even know who I was praying to. I just wanted them back even just for a moment.

Finally acceptance came through. I packed up all of their stuff and put it away. I moved on just like they both had. They were gone and I was here. This place was no longer painful. My house of cards had been rebuilt, and I did that all on my own. I packed a bag and left, back on the road. Back to where I belonged, just me, my Harley, and small towns across the country. I was a free person, out on the open road.

That was the best part of this time and it wasn't until he came charging back into my life that all of those now painful memories came flying out into the open. He came after me, after it was all said and done and he wanted my help. I will never forget the way he walked up to me and said “I still need your help”. I shook my head and left in disbelief. How could he do this come barreling back in after all of this time had gone by. He couldn't because I wouldn't let him, my walls were back up and I wouldn't tear them down to be hurt again. I've grown and learned too much to fall back into the person I once was. That would be good for me.

But Sam was back, he was back and had been topside for a while now. So I had a decision to make to go back or to turn, to be who I was or who I had become. The real question is what to do?

[secretivemessenger]

Sorry for updating so late, been busy today

I finished Hashihime of the old book town 2 days ago, it was absolutely amazing, i think i'm gonna replay the first route again, it's just so good😭

I bought another bl game from the same publisher(?) And i thought they would have the same mc for each route but turns out the mc changes every route, i didnt know this and got attached to the first mc, needless to say, i am unable to continue with the 2nd and third route as i am too attached to mc, yes i have attachment issues, i'll probably play the game once my attachment to the mc is gone or sum, probably will take months if not a year or two.

I've bought Hashihime of the old book town, Royal Alchemist & Uuultrac so far, i'm gonna get Divine speaker next but after that, i feel lost on what to get, there really aren't many bl game that interest me, hashihime set my standards wayyy too high to the point i want to make a visual novel but remembered i'm shit at using softwares, plus i dont know if my art will turn out good. (And i have no idea how to draw backgrounds)

Alright so for the update of the date, we went to get some dinner, we originally wanted to go to a fancy restaurant as he suggested but then we decided to go to his place last minute, when we did get to his place, he got changed from his suit to a more casual wear and started cookin', he made some Spaghetti Carbonara for the two of us, he also brought a vase of flowers to the table, lit up some candles and turned off the lights, it was pretty romantic, i remember every single detail, his cooking was delicious as always, after we had our fill, i offered to wash the dishes as he already cooked after that he gave me some of his clothes to change into since i only wore formal clothes as i thought we would only go to a restaurant, and then go back to our respective places, he lent me a shirt and pants, we were almost the same height so it fit, i took a bath and so did he (seperately) , we then got on the couch and since he didnt have hashihime of the old book town on his computer or laptop, we decided to watch a gameplay of it on the tv, why did we do that you might ask, because i wanted him to see Professor's route, plus he was a bit curious, i was crying mid way through the route as the route was so sad😭, he saw me tearing up so he grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears, it wss kinda awkward since i never rlly got this treatment before...I thanked him and apologized for letting my emotions get the better of me lmao, he told me there was no reason for me to apologize and we continued watching, by the end of it, he was really heart warmed by the gameplay, by that time it was getting a bit late but since he didnt need to work the next morning, we stayed up some more, playing games, baking, ate snacks and made smoothies, IT WAS SO FUN😫

When we went to sleep, instead of me taking the couch, this time he told me to stay on the bed with him, I agreed as we have stayed in each other's beds together before, we cuddled each other to sleep, when i woke up, it was about 9/10am, he had already woken up before me, again preparing breakfast, we ate and he took me home not long after, i fell asleep in his car, i woke up on my bed, him on my couch, i fell asleep for about an hour, he said he had to carry me as he didn't want to disturb me, i was shocked he could carry me but then remembered i'm very light...

After that nothing really happened i was just busy throughout the day and almost falling asleep every second, sorry if this is too long, i was just so happy this all happened, i never had such fun in my whole entire life😭😭 applogies for typos anywhere, still pretty tired but unable to sleep for some reason,maybe it's too soon but i'm planning on initiating the first kiss next time we go on a date, should i invite him to a date a week from now? Or is it too soon? Any advices??

Man your really obsessed with games

Also that was too sweeet like form a movie and some , and no it’s never too early and not too late so go for it

[myassbrokethefall]

Ah, I sent that anon to @perplexistan. You totally make a good point. I'm also super pissed about how they treated William and Scully as a mother. I remember watching William during the original run (I'm an old) and screaming at the tv when she gave him up. It made zero sense. Especially since there's no evidence he was actually in any danger and if he had magical powers or whatever wouldn't "they" find him anyways? I guess I've bought into the maternal sacrifice trope. I take it back :)

Oops, I saw this last night right as I was leaving work and then forgot to respond! Listen, I’m not opposed to a LITTLE sacrifice, maternal or otherwise, as a plot point. That’s good drama! But there has been…too much of it, for my taste, without really any point, or happiness, or resolution. It’s one of my biggest problems with ye olde x files, that there are all these dramatic emotional high points of terror and sadness all supposedly in service of some good, some end, but that never comes because that part isn’t as dramatic. It all adds up to very little satisfaction. 

MSR is one of those things, but William is another. We have seen Scully being sad and crying about William (before and after he was born, before and after she gave him away), but rarely ever any happiness over him. Every moment of happiness Scully has ever had regarding the entirety of the William storyline has been tainted by some aching, life-destroying sadness. Even before that. First she finds out she can’t have children. Then she finds out she has a daughter, Emily, and tries to adopt her but can’t because of her Lifestyle and she feels guilty. Then Emily dies. Then (timeline-wise) she wants to try in vitro with Mulder and it doesn’t work and there’s crying. Then she finds out she’s pregnant…but Mulder is abducted. Then she cries through her pregnancy as Mulder is first missing, then returned dead and she has to bury him. Then he comes back to life, we WASTE several weeks on “who’s really the father though WINK” and a bunch of non-Mulder-and-Scully-related plotlines that no one cares about, and then she has the baby and everyone is happy for…24 hours (that we don’t get to see) and then Mulder leaves and she’s sad. Sad sad sad sad for Season 9, William (the payoff of all this angst and anticipation) is mostly nonexistent except when he’s being kidnapped in order to make Scully sad some more, and then Scully gives William up two episodes before Mulder returns. Cries on Mulder’s shoulder about how she gave William up and almost can’t even be happy that Mulder is back, end series. IWTB: Scully is sad about William and futilely tries to save another child’s life partly as an expression of that sadness. End of movie. Season 10: Mulder and Scully look sadly at pictures of William and think sadly about the life they never had with William. (Separately, since they had broken up.) Scully’s mother dies. This makes everyone more sad about William. Last episode: Maybe we can find William and take his DNA to save a dying Mulder. Cliffhanger. 

If they finally found William after all this time only for Scully to immediately die, I think I would burn all my XF shit. I’m not even kidding. I am so, so, SO over the Eternal Sadness/You Thought It Was Bad Before, But It’s Worse Now/No Resolve, Only Reboot that has been XF’s drama engine since Season 8. I honestly at this point wish William had just died as a baby because I am very, very, very tired of having the IDEA of William dangled in front of me in order to elicit an emotional reaction but never actually having anything happen. I to be honest with you am not that interested in a Teenage William storyline. When I think about time passing for Mulder and Scully and the idea of them sitting apart looking at pictures of William and being sad and broken up and that being their lives, and what a waste that is, and how they can never go back simply because no one ever got around to making more X-Files for many years, I just get depressed. If there had been a movie two years after Season 9 where this all happened, the DNA, the pictures, the sad daydreams, then maybe. Now I wish it just had been dropped because of all the time that has passed. 

I just want Mulder and Scully to be together and live their lives and do things together and solve mysteries together and have a range of emotion together and be affectionate with each other and fight spooky monsters and for me to have fun watching it. I appreciate (some of) the writers’ feeling that they SHOULD acknowledge William, since it’s a huge huge thing in a person’s life, but at the same time, it’s like a festering wound. So, to have Scully DIE after this extremely awful thread in her life is finally resolved would be the ultimate insult, to me. And also totally sounds like something Chris Carter would do. 

I didn’t mean for this to get so long or to be negative. I’m not feeling XF-negative! Filming is starting and I’m excited and it’s a good time right now because we have MONTHS of filming to look forward to and hope that the season will be awesome and CC will pull it out and end it on a good note and Mulder and Scully will be set free to ride off into the sunset and have whatever adventures we can imagine for them. I don’t want to feel that the people who make the show hate the characters or hate the fans, and I hope there is still sentiment left in the show’s creators for doing right by the characters and by the audience. 

I have plenty – PLENTY – of dark thoughts on the hypothetical scenario we’re discussing, and I could get into them, but I won’t. I can have fun picking at angsty ideas and trying to inoculate myself against them by preparing for them and examining them and acclimating myself, but this one, I can’t. If Mulder or Scully are killed off, it is game over for me with this show. Not fun, not OK, I don’t want to have a group mourning or whatever, I just would need to distance and separate myself and throw myself into something different in order to forget about it. Maybe I’d be ready to have a big group commiseration 10 years from now but I certainly wouldn’t right away. The fact that it’s even being discussed as a remote possibility upsets me. So that is how I’m feeling about that right now. 

OK, this is me venting and getting out all my feelings about William and everything else and now I’m done. Filming starts today! That’s crazy. Two thousand seventeen and we are getting new X-Files.

[plastic-l0veee]

It's 4:32 am on August 5th and I'm lying in your bed, waiting for you to wake up for work before I make the 3+ hour drive back home. Since I've been here, I had so much fun. I don't remember the last time I laughed this much, genuinely. You made me laugh so hard I peed. It's been a REALLY long time since I could bounce back and forth so well with someone's humor. Thank you so much for showing me this breakfast place that's 24/7 because of my awful inconsistent sleep schedule. For getting up after 3 hours when I couldn't fall back asleep with you Saturday morning, for the energy drinks to get by. For the stickers you bought me because you know I love covering my things in art, for finding my love of magical girl culture charming instead of childish. Thanks for holding my hand, for taking me to the park to catch pokémon and allow me to reintroduce you to a game you gave up after your rough spot last year. For literally driving up/down Houston and tipping that girl 12 dollars at sonic because you listened to all my work stories over the last 10 months. When we finally crashed back at your house, we couldn't even fall asleep because we were THAT tired but it was also that early. I confessed that something about laying in bed with you made me cry that first night and you look upset that you didn't know even though I took every precaution not to wake you. I tell you I'm doing mostly okay, I just think he unfortunately lives by the spot my ex dumped me at 3 years ago, and it's almost to the dot (August 4th.) You tell me I'm wonderful and I deserve more. I am so sleep deprived, I laugh and tell you I hate myself so much but I love you. Your I love you sounds so sincere. You tell me you've been sitting on saying it, because you didn't know what I wanted with you. I want to cry now because by all accounts, this should mean our broken pieces should line up together to form something beautiful, something real, but I also know deep down, I'm still a bitter piece of shit from everything with my ex. I confess that I have to move next year. You're sad but more importantly, you're happy the move means I'll be able to go back to school and commit to my art. You're so supportive. My mind draws a contrast between your excitement for me and the way my ex begged me to stay for him instead of Germany almost 3 years ago. We laugh about it, how I could end up somewhere silly like Alaska, how you'll move there with your dog to avoid losing contact, your chest contracts with all our laughter and suddenly your room feels like the only real thing in this world. I really love you, Jonathan. We're both crying a little, from sadness we're falling in love at such a bad time, from laughter for all the teasing we bounce off of each other, from happiness that we ever got to be in something so wonderful. We watch ratatouille while eating pasta, we laugh about our messed up lives a little more and I get to fall asleep being held by you. You always reach out for me in your sleep. The next morning, we just stay in as long as we can, talking about our psuedo relationship, kissing, playing with your dog, and it's really hard to just not shout about how much I love you while the day has just started. It's another day of making you laugh too loud on this con floor and driving around to taste everything. And I spend another night to enjoy every second with you, even if you have work at 5am the next morning.

Fuck, I'm really in love with you. And I'm very happy being with you. I wish I met you at a better time.

You're beautiful, Jonathan. I could never repay this kindness you've given me over this weekend, much less over the last 10 months. I'm such a coward, honestly, but you sincerely make me want to almost give this a shot. And thanks so much for letting me know I can love again. I'm going to enjoy every remaining moment with you. And my heart is really going to break when you meet someone new because despite what you believe, you're so easy to love. You are never too much. Other people are just not enough. Thank you for everything.