#I remember a few weeks ago one of my little cousins was talking about Youtube videos he's been watching

[royalarchivist]

Phil: I always love hearing about like, different stories -- especially from the teachers in the chat -- where like, a student or like just a member of the school has some form of like, Techno merch or like, does something that is clearly a Techno reference. I just love that. It’s ‘cuz like -- exactly what I was hoping to happen is happening, where people are just keeping his memory alive. Whether it’s through wearing, you know, his merch and stuff, or still supporting him through doing like, you know, just talking about him or making like their art piece about him, stuff like that. It’s very cool. Technoblade truly never dies, if everyone just keeps f**king talking about him. [Laughs] If everyone just keeps referencing him, which is very easy to do because he was incredibly funny. He has a lot of referenceable quotes and sayings.

[asexualaxolotl]

It's 3 in the morning. I'm laying in bed, ready to go to sleep.

But I want to talk about technoblade.

I dont remember how long ago it was, but I remember it was before he got floof. Me and my best friend were playing on some server called CloudMc. We were crossteaming on skywars, and we sucked. We moved to hypixel, and we sucked even more. Eventually, they told me about this one guy on YouTube. They said he was great at skywars, and that we should watch his videos to study his gameplay. Being the nerd I was, I thought that we'd be able to study it and get better. So, we watched a video. And then another.

When I went home that night and didn't think much of it. Next time I went over, I mentioned that youtuber. I had forgotten his name, so they showed me him again and we watched a few more videos. When I went home, I binged his skywars content. Alongside jaiden animations and theodd1sout, Technoblade was one of my favorite youtubers of all time. I kept watching him when he barely uploaded and loved each and every video he made. Eventually, this little thing called minecraft Monday popped up. "Oh, cool!" I thought. "Maybe techno will get a bit more popular from this! That would certainly be neat."

And so I watched

And God damn, did he get more popular.

"Technoblade never dies" was all over the place. Everyone knew him, and everyone feared him. It was fantastic. He continued to grow in popularity, and I couldn't help but love the newer stuff even more then the old. He started doing this little known thing called "actually uploading." To this day I still recall showing my aunt the great potato war, watching the first one (since it was the only one at the time) and explaining every little thing to her to make sure she loved it as much as I did.

And then, he was diagnosed. Now, little known fact about my previously mentioned friend: they had cancer aswell. To this day, they're still alive and kicking, so I thought that if they could survive, so could technoblade. I mean come on dude, it's fucking technoblade. This whole cancer thing was gonna turn into another joke in the community, just you wait and see.

When he died, I immediately cried. Very rarely does it only take me a few minutes to understand grief, but this was different. Nonetheless, it took about a week to settle in. I remember telling every friend I knew, even ones that didn't know. My cousin texted me the same day he passed and asked how I was taking the news. He knew that technoblade was important to me.

Technoblade was, and will always be, a hero. He was the first one to ever be famous and happy, and nothing will ever take away from that. He knew he was going to die atleast 6 days before he passed and continued fighting regardless. That motherfucker, he made merchandise to honor himself. He looked cancer in the eyes and told it that if he was going down, it was coming with him.

And thats fucking beautiful.

He was 100% my hero. He always was, and he always will be. Everything he did, everything he said, was brilliant. He was a genius and an amazing person, and I'm so glad I was able to live in the same world as him. Technoblades legacy is a symbol of what one person can do just by being themselves. He was smart, funny, and kind. And that got him so far in life.

Technoblade never dies. His community and his legacy are just as strong as he was. I will never forget the bravery that he had, and I doubt anyone else will.

[blank-space-daisy13]

Why I won’t invite my biological father to my wedding.

I wanted to post this on Instagram or Facebook but I don’t want to deal with people saying I’m “drama.” But I wanted to write this out just in case someone is ballsy enough to ask me.

Let’s start off with the fact that after he got with my step mom, he wasn’t really around. He also never really cared or tried to take care of us (my brother and me) unless he absolutely had to.

Before my step mom and when we still lived in the apartment, On nights he had us my mom would drop us off already fed, he’d turn the tv on and go play on his computer until we had to go to bed. If he had us on a weekend, same thing. We’d wake up and he’d feed us breakfast, then tv with him in his room on the computer, lunch, tv, dinner, tv, and bed. When we moved from the apartment we stayed at his buddy’s house where he rented a room but guess what? He’d send us down to the basement all day to watch tv, and let us up for meals.

When my stepmom came into the picture, we started going to Canada. On every single one of his weekends. She was nice, at first. Sooner or later everyone shows their true colors. But she started slowly to get a hold of my dad. (My dad had no boundaries with us and she wanted to “help” my dad learn to discipline, but she’s a little extreme.) I once got punished for saying the word “butt” because we only say, “bum” and he yelled at me. Yelled. I was about 7 or 8. Then I heard my future step mother telling him how good he did. Also while we were there, I remember very few times we actually hung out with my dad. It was always being shoved into the playroom with my brother, future stepsister, and sometimes future stepbrother. (Step mom never had full custody of stepbrother.) We’d never leave the playroom other than for meals like the TV. But at least we weren’t rotting our brains, I guess.

After awhile he decided he wanted 50/50 custody. My stepmom at this point could be brutal emotionally. I remember getting yelled at for not knowing any of my immediate family member’s birthdays. I was about 8 or 9. Kind of shitty don’t you think? Going back to the wanting 50/50 custody, he didn’t actually want us. Looking back I understand this now. He just didn’t want to pay as much child support, and that’s probably the only reason my step mom agreed to this. They treated us (my brother and i) horribly. He moved close to my mom’s to prove he’d be willing to do the 50/50 custody, and at that point it was hell. If we did something wrong, immediately we’d get soap in the mouth. My brother later on was getting hot sauce. It would be for things such as, “not sharing with your step sister,” (which she would’ve lied about) or “talking back,” when as a kid I was asking a simple question about their rules. They had so many rules to the point you didn’t realize you were breaking a rule until they told you it was one. My *fondest* memory was when they’d send us kids to the basement for a few hours during the weekend and then got mad when we went through boxes and such to find toys to play with. Because when they first sent us down there, they sent us down there with nothing at all. Sure we probably shouldn’t have gone through boxes, where my brother and I found our toys that they never put with our step sister’s toys, but they sent us down there with nothing at all. They expected us to “imagine” things with no toys. I also got yelled at one weekend because they asked us to clean our bathrooms. (Step sister and I shared a Jack and Jill bathroom and my brother had his own bathroom as well.) We went and picked things up and went back to play. They both yelled at us and said, “If I had meant pick up I would’ve said pick up. I said CLEAN.” At this point I had never cleaned a bathroom in my life. They gave us the cleaning supplies and we went to work. I did what I thought was the best I could do and then my stepmom yells at me, “That wasn’t nearly long enough!!!! Haven’t you ever cleaned a bathroom before?!” Uh no ma’am, I was literally 10. But that was her favorite way to make us feel like shit. To yell, “Haven’t you done XY&Z before?” Or “You don’t know (blank)?! So disrespectful! You should know these things!” (That was said about the birthdays. Again I was a decently young kid.) But going forward, towards the end of them living there, they had a baby together, my other brother J.

Luckily for my brother and I, he eventually gave up going for the 50/50 custody. But with doing this, he left and we didn’t see him for a long time. 5-6 years approximately. I was 15 when he decided he wanted to see us again, and because of everything we had gone through before, we didn’t want to. I had a choice but my brother didn’t, and I was forced to go.

At this point he had married my stepmother, and was living in the same subdivision, and one road away, where had had a house with my mom when they were married. Kind of awkward but ok.

And I have to say, they were better. To a point. They wanted us to feel bad that we didn’t want to be there. At the time I had a really old phone, not a smart phone, that didn’t lock, but they expected my phone to be on the counter at 9pm every night. They read my texts and held them against me, but when I called them out on reading my texts, they told me I was crazy. I would text my friends that I didn’t want to be there, and that I was uncomfortable. They asked me, “Why don’t you want to be here? Why are you uncomfortable? We understand what we did in the past was wrong, but the past is the past and you have to forgive us!” (One wrong thing I was always taught was you always have to forgive. You don’t always have to forgive for things that hurt you.) Finally at the end of this period, they sat us down and tried to make us feel bad by saying, “If you don’t want to be here, we don’t want you here. We want you to want to be here.” At 15 I tried to explain why this was hard, but they didn’t care. It wasn’t their way so they weren’t ok with it.

Fast forward to my Senior Year of high school, I don’t remember how, but my father and I got in touch. My step mom wanted nothing to do with me because of a dumb YouTube video I made at 14 where I “talked shit” about her daughter and herself. Yes, I did, but who didn’t do something dumb at 14? I wasn’t allowed around their house because HER son had a “drug problem.” (Marijuana) Whatever, I didn’t care. Slowly we lost touch because I was the only one calling, and I got sick of it. I was done. But I was still young.

Fast forward to me being a sophomore in college. I was 20 or 21. My brother had an issue that got the police and CPS involved. My father decided to text me and ask me what was going on. I called him and told him that he had “no fucking reason to know what was going on” because he was never around. He gaslighted me into feeling bad because I cussed him out for 10 minutes. But we kept contact after that because I had thought about it and I wanted to get to know my little brother J more. We did lose contact again but then we gain it back later on.

Skip forward a couple years and I’m talking to my cousin, (another thing was he kept us from his side of the family and I had lost contact with most of them until I was an adult.) my cousin told me he was going to MY little BABY sister’s 1st birthday. My father had been talking to me for a few months at this point and NEVER mentioned I had a baby sister. He told me, “I thought your aunt posted about it. I saw it on Facebook and assumed you knew!” It doesn’t matter whether I saw it on Facebook or not. He should’ve told me. But whatever, I let that go too.

Here is where I get frustrated. I wouldn’t call for a couple weeks because I didn’t think about it. I’ve only seen him twice in the past 9 years. But he would blame me for us not talking, when he’d never call or try to talk to me. It drives me crazy when people think like that. It’s not just my responsibility and mine alone.

Skip forward to a few months ago when he brought up politics. I hated this because I’m mostly liberal/democrat and he’s 100% republican. He called liberals “libtards” and goes, “you’re not a libtard are you?” And when I tell him it’s offensive he says, “It’s just a joke!” But now we’re here and yet again it’s been 2 or 3 months since we’ve spoken because he’s blocked my number. It goes straight to voicemail and my texts aren’t going through as iMessages. I’ve decided after trying for over two months, he’s uninvited to the wedding. He’s never met my fiancé, ever. We were only inviting him to be civil. But if he can’t even speak to me, I feel it’s not my problem, and it’s one less drama issue to worry about at the wedding.

My family can believe what they want. There are so many things left out of this 15 year drama circle of my father just disappearing. And I don’t care anymore. I hope someone asks why he wasn’t invited because I know for a fact he’ll be at least telling the whole family that he wasn’t invited. And I don’t mind sending them this so they can know why.

[finoalcielo]

KAI-CHAN RADIO ⑤

☆ JUL 21, 2021☆

KAI: They competed for the fun~! YOU: Leisure activities, huh? Summer is full of it. And so, KAI: Kai-chan Radio! YOU: will also include Haduki You! See in you a moment♪

☆ KAI-CHAN RADIO IS A CASUAL RADIO ☆

KAI: Let's talk tonight♪ About our summer vacation activities! YOU: I started off extremely excited for it, but, I don't think I'll be able to go to the August's activities. Like the Lantern Festival dance, mountains, swimming pool, or even a little trip to the sea. Is that all?

KAI: Ah? Really? YOU: I'll be at home. Helping my parents. KAI: Oh right. The temple. YOU: Yup. Obon is the busiest time of the year. So, I have to travel with my family. KAI: Ooh. YOU: I've never really had much complaints about it. KAI: Ah, I see. YOU: Yeah, since I understood it ever since I was a child.

YOU: It felt a bit nice to see my parents relying on me for some things. I went exploring deeper into the mountains with Tooru (2nd oldest brother) once. And, when we returned later than usual, Sou (oldest brother) scolded us. We mess around a lot every day. KAI: Oh, Haduki brothers. You guys haven't changed at all (www)

YOU: I only remembered when I started talking. Still, I travelled about 2, 3 times. Near Takachiho and Hokkaido. And my memories from that time is a bit weird. Like, I remember the soft serve ice cream being delicious or the sea urchins being terrible (I like it now though) (www) KAI: Memories from long ago are really like that. Food being more important than famous places!

KAI: I also remember the souvenirs I bought on the way rather than the destination. It was a metal keychain with a dragon entwined around a sword. YOU: I knew you'd speak about it (www). Wasn't it the one where it had a lot of crystals or stone stuck to it? (wwww) KAI: I still have it (ww)

YOU: You still have it?! Wow (www) KAI: I use it for my car key. YOU: Extremely distracting... (www) KAI: Ah, anyways, about my leisure activities! I went to a lot of places, but have I told you about the year when my father rented a minibus to go on a family vacation? YOU: Minibus?! KAI: We are a big family (6 siblings). YOU: Ah.

KAI: My father did his best to get a license to drive our big family. YOU: Fuduki papa is amazing. KAI: I got one too. Let's all go~? YOU: The Fuduki family is amazing. KAI: The destination was for Tokyo's Disneyland! It was for a day, but if we include the sightseeing at the town on the way back, then it was 5 days in total? It was awesome. YOU: Sounds fun!

KAI: Maybe I remember this because it was during the time I enjoyed travelling? But anyways, in about two years, the Fuduki family once again travelled in the minibus! At that time, we travelled to Shikoku. YOU: Oh~ It takes a while to reach there, right? KAI: It took us a week to reach. YOU: Lots of driving (www).

KAI: No, at that time, the truck driver's cousin or I sometimes took over driving. On those days, my father would drink beer with his morning, evening and night meals. YOU: Fuduki papa (www) I get your feelings (www) KAI: It's a memory of my summer vacation activity, which was more fun than the destination itself ♪

KAI: And so, that was the Kai-chan Radio "Summer Vacation Activities" Edition! YOU: And then is... ah, right. Want to take some messages from people? I know it's late in the night, but if anyone is awake and has some messages for us, we'll accept them! KAI: Questions, messages, anything is fine~!

It's so hot that I feel like melting... Please give me an idea to cool down! = = YOU: I know! Turn on the cooler. KAI: A pragmatic answer (www) YOU: It's not good to put up with the heat ~ KAI: That's true. YOU: Watch out for heat stroke!

Thank you for sharing your stories. If you could travel now, where would you go...? = = YOU: It's really hot, so I want to take a dive in the sea. KAI: I'll be next to him! YOU & KAI: We want to go to the sea~~~!!! HARU: Didn't you go there the other day? (laughs)

Kai-san, You-san, thank you...! The final exam is about to start, so please give me some encouragement... = = YOU: Studying this late? Woah! We'll be cheering for you to do well! KAI: I'll support you with (my heart's) pompoms~ Hooray~ Hooray~ Study well!! YOU: A fun summer is waiting for you after the test!

Kai-kun! I have a glittering bow keychain, so let's compete against each other!!? (laughs) = = KAI: A fellow friend!!! Then, I'll be the second player!! Bring it on!! YOU: Exactly how will you fight (www)

Hello! I'd like to hear about any recent small incidents that occurred around Procella members! = = YOU: Yoru's glasses got deformed by the heat (www) KAI: He accidentally left it on the bonnet of our travel bus, it got deformed slightly after about 2 hours. (www)

24 hours a day isn't enough. What do you think? = = KAI: I guess it's slightly not enough? If you sleep while thinking, "Stay tuned for Kai tomorrow!", then you'll be excited. YOU: Don't get excited before going to bed (ww)

You-kun! Please do something with Aoi-kun!!!!!!! (I'm greedy) = = YOU: I like your greediness~ Yosh, let's do it now. Aoi-chan. AOI: Eeh?! YOU: I caught the retreating Aoi-chan. AOI: I-I got caught! KAI: Now, how do you want to do this?! YOU: What should we do? Aoi-chan. AOI: EHHHH?!

→ AOI: L-L-Let's peel it off! T/N: Aoi was trying to say "Look that way" (あっち向いてホイで lit. atchi muite hoi de) but ended up saying "Let's peel it off" (あっち剥いてホイで lit. atchi muite hoi de). Both have the same pronunciation, just different meanings.

→ AOI: What a terrible typo!!!

→ AOI: I meant 'Look that way'!! YOU & KAI: (wwwww) AOI: I was really flustered and when I thought I deleted it, I actually sent it instead. I meant 'Look that way'!!!~~~~~ You!!! Kai-san, geez!!! YOU & KAI: (wwww)

#Aoi won by default.

This is for a questionnaire, but what was doing your homework like? Did you fill in what you knew on the day you got it and left the rest blank and asked a friend for help, or leave some empty in the first week and finish the rest later? = = KAI: I did half in the first week, and the remaining in the last week.

→ YOU: I want to say that I finished it early in August... but I ended up frantically doing it towards the end (www) KAI: I can imagine that ~~ While Yoru did his patiently, right? YOU: Yup. Isn't that right? YORU: Yes. Ah, I also did the Radio calisthenics properly! Radio Calisthenics = a short exercise routine broadcast daily on Japan's national radio, streamed on YouTube, followed in parks and schools every day – sometimes several times a day – by all generations of Japanese people

It's been hot lately, but please tell us if you have a story that chilled you to your bones. = = KAI: Shun turned bright red and got a fever. YOU: He got one after frantically trying to decide the thumbnail for his Hajime-san video collection. KAI: He looked really happy when I putting the cooling patch on. YOU: His fever also came down almost immediately. YOU & KAI: We ate curry together.

Hi!! Starting from today, we'll be having the 4 day holiday, so will you all be working??? Are there any jobs you have with other members of the agency??? = = KAI: Hi~! Tomorrow will be a visual shooting with the theme of intelligence♪ YOU: It's not a job, but the day after tomorrow, I'll talk with Takaaki-san and Roa-san about an independent dance lesson along with a few more people. The 4 day holiday they're talking about is Marine Day, which lasts from Jul 22 - Jul 25 in Japan.

Is it okay to eat ice-cream at this time?! = = KAI: We've already eaten it (sparkles) YOU: Recently, my favorite one is... the Shi●kuma ice cream KAI: The melon flavour! This year, for some reason, the melon flavor is in demand. YOU: You can buy it at a convenience store ~ He's referring to the Shirokuma Ice Cream which is a shaved ice dessert topped with ice cream and condensed milk.

Please tell us what you had for dinner today! = = KAI: Pork shogayaki​. I really like it. Especially when its with White Rice. YOU: I get you.

Have you been interacted with the Gravi members lately? Please tell us if there's anything interesting👓✨ = = KAI: Oh, that emoji means Haru! Haru~ HARU: I was waiting so long to be called. YOU: You appeared so quickly (www) HARU: Something interesting... Ah, let's play Look that way! YOU: Is it popular in Gravi? (ww)

#Haru won and was satisfied when he left.

I'm busy and tired lately, so please leave a good luck charm please!! I love you!!! = = KAI: I love you too!! YOU: Me too! The is the best good luck charm you can believe in! We love you, support you, so please do your best!! KAI: I wish you a happy summer!

It's summer!!!!!! Did you have anything of a summer vibe that you ate?? = = KAI: Corn!!!!! Grilled Corn!!! YOU: Recently, Procella has this trend of using the Bato Mayo Soy Sauce with various things.

Is Maze slowly molting??! = = YOU: ......Maze? Are you molting? I've never cleaned them up. MAGELLAN: Que! (I forgot) KAI: He's always like fluffy. Maybe it's because he's an Demon World Penguin? Next time, let us touch you~

Speaking of summer vacation, I remember watching movies at movie theaters or on TV when I was in elementary school! Do you have a favorite movie when you were little? = = KAI: Back to the Fu●re that was rebroadcasted on TV! I feel like that's a classic one. YOU: There's also Toto●. KAI: Ah, there's that too! The child in the middle has my colors! Kai is referring to Back to the Future and I believe You is referring to My Neighbor Totoro.

We can't drink outside, but have you been drinking at home?? = = YOU: The senior group sometimes drink on the balcony~ KAI: Only sometimes~ I don't drink a lot (laughs). And what about the middle group? YOU: We don't really drink much? Instead, we eat food.

KAI: That was all for the replies~! YOU: Thank you for your messages despite it being midnight! KAI: I was going to introduce the October's CD but it's so late now, so I'll do it tomorrow! YOU: If you're going to do it tomorrow, then just call in the people themselves. KAI: Ah, true. Anyways, this is all for today's corner!

KAI: It was Kai-chan Radio, Summer Vacation Activity Edition~! YOU: Thank you for listening to us! Ah, Kai, let's say that. KAI: That? YOU (whispers unintelligently to Kai) KAI: Uhhh.. KAI & YOU: Dream well? KAI: .... YOU: .... KAI: I'm kind of embarassed. YOU: Why? (www)

#Kai-chan Radio #Thank you

✧If you like my work, then please consider supporting me here. Thank you~!

[nebula-jazz]

Fictober prompt 28

ROTTMNT Donatello x reader

Note: Sorry I have been gone for so long! I have been wrapped up in school and I also know that this isn't my normal fandom... This is completely self indulgent because he popped on my feed on youtube and he was my first comfort character. And now I found ROTTMNT and I got hit in the face by my best friend on exactly my type... Intelligent, gremlin, cocky, and emotionally unavailable... So this is a complete callout to everyone who has the same type no matter the gender and please enjoy this drabble. And fully expect on several different fandom releases on Halloween including a oneshot for His World. But enough of my rambling! To the story!

You had been in quarantine for nearly an entire year and now your favorite month had been ruined by the hussle and the bustle of your closest aunt asking you to come to New York. Her explanation was that she was taken ill and she needed someone to look after the house and your youngest cousin April O’Neil, much to your distaste.

It was not that you hated your youngest cousin, opposite in fact you adored her, but you two never exactly saw eye to eye on most things. You two were so close up until about five or six years ago and then she changed and you felt as if for the worst. This change caused you both to drift apart.

Since she was your only friend and family member that got you; this distance caused you swirling into an unhealthy mind set. And you got caught up with the wrong people at the worst time in your life as your younger brother disappeared and your mom got distant.

Which lead you here, packing all research that you had gathered over the past few months since the shredder accident, your Bo staff, and other essential items. Taking the time to slide the delicate frames of your glasses up every few minutes. Your boss Baxter had called you a few minutes ago saying that he set you up an apartment and a plane to New York and expected you be ready for training with Rocksteady as soon as you landed. Thinking about it made you flinch.

Grabbing the metal case with your research, your duffel with clothes and toiletries, and your backpack filled with snacks your Bo and training clothes you headed down stairs. You kissed your mom on the head who was on the phone at the couch; gently leaving a large stack of cash that should last her awhile. You slipped out the front door and slid into a sleek car that Baxter had sent for you.

During the car ride you stayed silent, typing away at your computer, jotting down the breakthrew that you had made. Your specific specialty in his company was the idea of spirits and how to harness them, extract them, and even switch with them. Baxter had found out about you and what people and even yourself, at the time, believed as a silly project about four years ago. You had proven that spirits were real and that there was a possibility to do something with them.

He accelerated you through highschool and college, easily making you apart of a team and gave you everything that you needed for your research. You honestly didn’t care what he would do with it as soon as you had perfected everything in your now extensive project. All you cared about was getting your mom and brother back and he promised to keep the investigation open if you handed all research over to him as soon as you were done.

You barely slept on the plane. Fear creeping up your spine and turned your veins icey as you mulled over what was waiting for you when you landed. The training with Rocksteady was not normal. As he was a huge hog and the training was to get you faster, but it would inevitably end with a concussion and a broken bone as it normally would. Then Baxter would inject you with some green liquid that, yes would accelerate the healing process and you would no longer have any broken bones, but it would feel like your entire body was on fire and your back feeling like it was being ripped to shreds.

You eventually drifted into a fitful sleep. You felt like you had barely closed your eyes before you were woken up by the gentle but cold hand of Baxter. You were in a car now just outside of headquarters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh MAh Gawd! Y/N! What happened to you?!” You winced at the worried yell that came from April. You had just gotten released from the lab and your head was pounding from the lack of food and water.

“Just a little scuffle just outside the office. Don’t worry about it.” You croaked out and offered a, what you hoped to be, a reassuring smile. You tried to swallow against the sandpapery walls of your throat.

You felt her soft but calloused hands cup your face as she looked at you. You winced as she prodded at the dark bruises on your jaw and forehead. She lead you to the kitchen where she started to clean the bruises and cuts up.

After several cups of water and an entire pizza, which you had devoured, she was now questioning you.

“So you are working for Baxter?” she asked, you gave her a quizzical look as you swallowed another bite of the second pizza that she had ordered. You had heard the slight tremor of fear in her voice and now it set you on edge.

“Yeah..” You answered slowly and pulled out your laptop. “He is funding my research. Take a look.”

You pushed the computer over and let her skim through the many pages of work as you dumbed down what she was reading.

“So... what you are saying is that you could put someone in a comatose state and do whatever you wanted to them but at the same time you can still talk to them in a spiritual state?” she summarized. With a soft smile you nodded, your eyes heavy from the long two days you had.

“However there are some side effects. With the trials that I ran at home it is extremely difficult to put them back in and more often than not their mind can completely erase one or multiple people from their memory. They will always remember the time they were, what I call, Ghost. There are still kinks in it but i'm pretty sure in this state there is a possibility to redirect this targeted amnesia to get rid of trauma.” You said excitedly.

She gave you a terrified look and excused herself and ran out the front door into the dim light of the dawn. You felt like you had been punched in the gut. Tears formed in your eyes and you fought down the urge to sob and throw up your food. You slammed the computer closed and stormed into the guest bedroom. You had honestly thought that she was going to be proud of you. She seemed genuinely excited about your research. But it was April, you shouldn’t have expected anything less from her.

A few weeks drifted by lazily and October was slipping through your fingertips. April was avoiding you, especially after you caught her in the act of trying to steal your laptop. So today, as a way to get away from the dreariness of the apartment and the fearful glances of April you were in the lab. You were in a loose hoodie and had a stack of pizza boxes next to you along with a large jug of water on your other side. You had just gotten done with another training session and were now working on a new test. it had gotten dark out and Rocksteady had volunteered for the new test.

You scraped your hand roughly through your hair in frustration as the program refused to start for the third time. You huffed in frustration, and looked up in alarm as the security alarms started to go off. You heard an explosion from behind you. Reaching down and grabbing your Bo you didn’t notice the jug being knocked over causing the computer to go haywire. You panicked as you tried to shut down the computer and the large machine pointed at whatever caused the explosion.

However you were too late to stop it from going off once you were able to press the emergency shut off just in time to prevent it from happening again. You heard a shout and roars from Rocksteady. you tried to reach for your more enhanced staff but were swiftly knocked out. All you saw as the world started to darken was green and a ghostly purple figure.

~~~~~~~~

That was a couple of days ago. You were now with 6 foot tall turtle ninjas. They had explained, with the help of April, what Baxter was going to do with your research. The person that you had shot was their brother Donatello. The genus out of the group who was allowing you to use his lab as you tried desperately to keep his body stable and fix his state with what little tools you had.

Your own paranoia had shot through the roof as any fast movement caused you to flinch very heavily. You and Donnie had found out that Baxter was injecting you with mutagen after a nightmare filled night caused wings to sprout from your back.

You stayed away from the other three turtles and only finding solace with Donatello. You both could ramble on and on about different projects you both were working on and the other would listen intently.

You hadn’t noticed how comfortable or how hard you had fallen until you reached the end stages of completing the ray that would make him right.

Neither of you two had noticed that you had started to flirt with each other. But everyone else knew and were eagerly waiting for him to return to normal. They were excited to see him finally kiss you and actually take you out on that date that he had been teasing you for a month with. April was happy to see you smiling again.

You didn’t realize how much you loved him or he you until you both were going over some of your note s to make sure everything was in order.

It was the end of November, just before thanksgiving. Donnie was excitedly telling you that he had been working on a surprise for you with Shelldon. That he wanted to give it you in person. And that he was excited to finally eat something instead of just watching everyone else eat. He was also rambling on how he was totally going to spar with you.

“i'm excited to finally get an infamous hug from you Don!” You chuckled barely paying attention to the notes and more on him. He laughed and he floated closer to you.

“I’m excited to give you one Angel.” he said cheekily. You glared lightly at him and the nickname that he gave you after your wings came to be.

You however stopped in your tracks as you read the small but major detail that you had mentioned to April all those weeks ago. The air ran from your lungs as a soft. “Oh.” escaped your lips.

“What?” he asked worried. He turned to the computer that had your notes on it and read through it and his face dropped. Tears welled in your eyes and the amount of hurt that ran through you was like that day that April ran.

And something inside of you knew, even as Donnie tried to think of anyone, anyone at all that he could possible forget, you knew it was going to be you. You stared at him tears running down your face and it was then you realized how hard you had fallen. And how much you will lose.

Two days before Thanksgiving was the day that was planned to fix him. You were in a room alone with his Ghost. You couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Here,” he said softly, and gestured for Shelldon to bring a small box forward. “This is for you... don’t open it until my eyes do.. ok?” He said leaning down and trying to catch your eye. You looked up at him, willing the tears back and smiled brightly.

“Will do Don! I will see you for that hug ok?” he smiles back softly and nods. He hovers his hand over your cheek, you lean into it until you feel the cool radiating off of him and you closed your eyes.

That unspoken ‘i love you’ rang through you head as you heard the machine wurr to life. You only stare at him as he floats by his sleeping body and you pray, you hope, and you plead to whatever god is listening. To allow you to have him, to allow him to remember you. As you slowly nod your head and you hear April press the button.

~~~~~~~

You try to stifle the sobs in your throat as you hear him and his brothers enjoy their thanksgiving meal that April and you had prepared for them. He didn’t recognize you as you sobbed in happiness when you saw his eyes open. He thought of you as a threat.

You carefully pulled out the small box as Shelldon floated beside you. You looked at him and he bobbed his head in acknowledgement. Slowly opening it you tried to steady your shaking hands. Inside was a locket, a bit larger than one you would find in a jewelry store. You carefully opened the locket and you saw a picture that you had taken with ghost Donnie and the music box version of your both favorite techno song. Engraved on the other half was the french translation of I love you. A loud sob ripped its way from your throat as you clutched it to your chest. 

Donnie was leaning against the wall closest to where you had ran off too. He was watching his brothers laugh and eat with their father and April. He had heard sniffling from the tunnel and quietly escaped the celebration to see where it had came from. He was surprised to see you covering your mouth and Shelldon with you. He was going to call to his creation until you had looked at Shelldon and pulled out a velvet box.

He waited a moment, watching you open it and something inside. He had to nod his head to the song that played. He did not expect the loud sob or the wail that came out of you next. He heard his brothers stop laughing and heard a soft.

“They opened it...”

“Yeah...”

“Poor Y/N... I can’t imagine.”

“Why can’t we tell him my sons?’

“Because he wouldn’t believe us.”

“Yeah! And he already distrusts Y/N... and they asked us not too.”

“A broken heart is something that can kill my children. Especially with a love that deep.”

Donnie didn’t hear anymore from his family. And confusion seeped into him. What happened while he was out?

[brinaedwards]

Hi, my name is Brina... and I’m a workaholic

As the above title states, my name is Brina and yes, I am a workaholic. I don't think of that as a bad thing since I enjoy the self-motivation and the feeling of accomplishment when I get tasks done. However, my boyfriend thinks that I should focus some of that time getting more hours of sleep, haha. 

I attended Valley Central High school and graduated in 2017. High school was an okay experience, if I wasn’t apart of the band program I feel that I would have disliked it more and would not have an interest in the things I do now. I’m not trying to shit on the school, but I feel that it needed a deep cleanse on administration staffing and just an overall re-look on how to spend the funding. Just saying, I think the asbestos issue should have been handled before the  bleachers and locker rooms. But, not my problem anymore, Thank God. 

When it came to deciding colleges and all that jazz, my high school was zero help in the whole process. Yes, they talked about it but at that age things should be more simplified to understand what needs to be done. I’m 22 and I just finally figured out how to build up my credit score? Like, HELLO, start teaching kids about loans and all the other financial shit that goes into college. Not to mention the absolute lack of help I got when picking my major. I knew I wanted to go into the music or media industry and of course, none of my advisors had a clue what I was talking about. I decided on OCCC for the pricing and that cushion of still figuring out what I wanted to do. I attended SUNY Orange Fall of 2017 as a liberal arts: music emphasis major. Fast forward a year later to find out that they actually have a music program! Got to love the help advisors give you right? More so, the help wrong advisors give you. That following fall I was a full Music: Performing Arts major and loved every second of it. I met amazing, talented people that I am very glad to still be in touch with. When I was on my last semester and was on the edge of graduating I had the moment of “Oh, God.. What the hell am I going to do after this”. I decided I wasn't ready to move on from SUNY Orange, since I had no idea what direction to go. I started looking into another major and that's when I found New Media! I was always interested on how content was made and what went into making a film. I remember my cousin and I used to make these little movie clips with the windows movie maker. We thought we were going to be these big movie-making hot shots at 8/9 years old haha. 

I am grateful that I took my time with school and by the end of this OCCC journey I will be graduating next Fall with two A.A.S degrees and a clear idea of where I want to go.

Aside from anything media related I’ve been on this reading kick. Genres from fantasy, horror and some history. This summer my boyfriend and I got really into reading/collecting comic books! He has way more comics than I do but at least once a week we’re at Middletown Comics seeing what new issues came out! Now with the fall/Halloween season fast approaching I have been planning some great ideas for this year! I know I may catch a lot of eye-rolls/ mini-hate from those not wishing summer to be over but I can’t wait for fall. Besides, halloween is everyday haha. I’ve been looking at Pinterest ideas on how to DIY some awesome decorations. I guess Pinterest is somewhat media related though? Ah well, since I'm back talking about it, I might as well talk about the last movie and TV show I watched. The last movie I watched was actually what had to be watched for COM 105. It was the 1995 movie Kids and uh.. it was definitely something haha. I understood the point of how it related to youth culture but I would not want to watch that movie again. As for the last TV show I watched, was again what I had to be watched for COM 105. It was Euphoria season 1 and that was a really good show. I know I only had to watch the first four episodes but I binged the whole season. The way the story was told was creative, I enjoyed the narrative back a forth style and how each character had their own stories. It made it worth getting a month of HBO Max.  

Being on the topic of last things done, I suppose the next order is the last book/video game played or finished. The last book I finished was A Map of the Dark by Karen Ellis. I got that book from Thrill Club. It’s basically a horror/thriller/anything dark and creepy book subscription. I canceled thrill club awhile ago and just now getting into the books I was sent. Anyway back to this book that I read. I found it a little empty. I just wanted more from it, it was very predictable and dry. I wanted more character depth, more suspense and just more of everything. The book is in the corner of my room at this moment because I’m going to donate it, that's how unsatisfying it was to me. But HEY if anyone is interested in a dry thriller let me know! Haha. As for the last video game played it would have to be Assassins Creed Valhalla and that was a few weeks ago. I do love to game but when I’m getting into a project or assignment, more of my focus goes into that rather than a video game. But my goal this semster is to take more time to myself and have self-care days, so Valhalla here I come! 

Going down the “Lasts” list I have to my right here is, the last thing I created. Um, I guess the last thing I created was a make up look, that I will post a pic of at the bottom!  I do have ideas I wish to create such as uploading my podcast and YouTube videos! Im a really big planner so when it comes to things like that I want to have clear, organized agenda. I do have a date that I want things done and released so there’s that! I will probably mention more of my podcast in future posts but for now things are in the works. 

Which now brings us to the last thing of the “Lasts” list. Im sure there is a tongue twister in there somewhere but I don’t have the brain capacity to think of one. My last meal on earth would have to be what I had for dinner last night. I ate cheese ravioli with a side of mozzarella sticks. 

I know this assignment was supposed to be a minimum of 500 words and I believe I exceeded that. I look forward to these blog assignments since I can let my mind go and word things as if I was actually speaking. Well with a post this long I guess it’s safe to say I was ranting. 

To future rants and of course the required MLA formatted references! 

[purplesurveys]

1191

survey by voicedance16

name yourself: Robyn

name (one of) your best friend(s): Angela; she’s for keeps.

name 3 things in your fridge/freezer: I don’t think I opened the fridge at all today, but if I had to guess...eggs, bread, and our pad thai leftovers from dinner earlier.

name a color you're wearing currently: Green.

name the last thing you ate: I treated myself and ordered spicy tuna salad tonight because I had a shit shift. It’s been a while since I felt a little burned out with my job, but it happened today and it wasn’t very pleasant.

name the last store you went to: I never go out these days...does online shopping count? I’m always browsing through Shopee, if anything lol.

name the song you're listening to: ON - BTS.

name the artist of that song: BTS.

name your favorite animal: Dogs or elephants.

name what pets you have, if any:  Two dogs. Kimi, Cooper.

name the town/state you live in: No thanks. I live near Manila though, which is probably the only city most people know from the Philippines anyway so that should suffice.

name something commonly ordered at Starbucks: I think my usual is a pretty common order – caramel macchiato.

name the last person you talked to in person: Not sure. I think it may have been Nina? I was just jokingly asking her if her bias recognized her again on a VLive, since her comments have been read by her favorite group recently, and she tells me they even laugh at them :( Perks of liking a smaller, more underground group for sure; pigs would have to fall from the sky before anyone from BTS notices me lol.

name the last person you talked to on the phone: My mom. I didn’t hear her calling for dinner last night, so she ended up having to call me from downstairs while I was hanging out at the rooftop.

name the current day of the week: Tuesday.

name the current month: May.

name the current time: 10:22 PM.

name the last movie you watched: I have not watched an entire movie since i’m thinking of ending things back in September. I did watch a snippet from Portrait of a Lady on Fire a few weeks ago, though. That’s the closest thing I’ve got to watching any film recently.

name the last book you read: This one I’m even more uncertain about.

name a place you've been on vacation: South Korea.

name a place you'd like to go on vacation: Malta or Turkey.

name 3 things you can see from where you're sitting: It’s pretty dark so I technically can’t ‘see’ anything, but based on what I know I brought up to the rooftop tonight I have my phone, my salad, and my vape pen.

name your favorite musical: Miss Saigon, if anything. I’m not a big fan of musicals.

name an animal (any): Turtle was the first that came to mind.

name a fruit: Mangoes.

name a vegetable: Lettuce.

name a common breakfast food: Pancakes. They’d sound so good rn, too.

name a color: Grey.

name a type of flower: Dandelions.

name a type of tree: Uh...mango again? HAHA I’m not very good with trees.

name a city: New York.

name a state: Indiana.

name a country: India.

name a continent: Asia.

name a planet: Jupiter.

name a girl's name: Jessica.

name the last person to comment you on Facebook: Angela. She tagged me on this post that was promoting a local shop that makes customized face pillows and she told me we should order a Taehyung one for me and a Seokjin one for her, hahaha. The concept is definitely cute but it wasn’t my style, so I showed her another shop that also makes face pillows, but prettier.

name a clothing store/brand: Thom Browne.

name the last book you got at the library: If I remember correctly, it was History of the Filipino People which, coincidentally, my great-uncle wrote.

name a restaurant: Yabu but eugh, haven’t eaten there since the breakup. I should order from them soon to commemmorate moving on heheh.

name a grocery store: Can I just name a local one? SM.

name an iPhone app: YouTube.

name an actor: Eddie Redmayne.

name an actress: Emma Stone.

name a music group: BTS.

name your favorite/lucky number: It used to be 4, but I’m now going with 7.

name something you've accomplished: Continued from...last night, I think? I have no concept of time anymore. I managed to survive this week so far considering how deadly my schedule was.

name something you'd like to accomplish: Get a promotion once I’ve proven myself capable.

name someone who makes you laugh: Hans can make anything funny.

name something exciting coming up soon: Some of my online shopping orders arriving I’m guessing by later today, yayyyy.

name a song that makes you emotional: Oh man, there are a lot. O by Coldplay is probably the one that hits the worst, though; I still can’t listen to that song completely to this day. Recently, I also can’t really avoid being sad whenever I listen to Butterfly by BTS.

name one of your pet peeves: Overly slow drivers.

name someone you know who is an amazing singer: Hannah.

name someone who is the same religion as you: JM.

name a holiday you celebrate: Christmas.

name the last 4 digits of your phone number: That’s too many, lmao.

name one of your cousins: My cousin Lei from my dad’s side.

name a book you loved when you were younger: The entire Septimus Heap series. I must’ve reread Magyk (the first book) a hundred times.

name a song you loved when you were younger: Let’s go withhhhh Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. Making sure there were no adults around whenever I sang along to “I’m a motherfucking princess” as an 8 year old was always a thrill.

name your favorite movie: Two for the Road.

name a popular book series: Percy Jackson.

name a musical instrument: Saxophone.

name a language: French.

name what other tabs you have open: Archive of our Own, Dailymotion, Bzoink.

name 3 things on the walls of the room you're in: The walls of the rooftop are bare.

name your house number 4.

name your high school: Nope.

name your college, if applicable: UP.

name your middle school See high school.

name your elementary school: See high school.

name the college you wish you went to/hope to go to: I was able to qualify for the university and degree I wanted to attend.

name your favorite teacher: My music teacher in high school.

name the color of your backpack: Hm, don’t really use backpacks anymore but the main one I had in college - at least until I switched to a simple handbag (aka my senior year when I started to not care lol) - was a pink Herschel backpack.

name a dessert: Leche flan.

name a famous landmark: Statue of Liberty, only because of the question after this.

name a place you might go in NYC: Tiffany’s.

name an inventor: Nikola Tesla.

name an article of clothing: Jeans.

name an ice cream flavor: Pistachio.

name a religion: Islam.

name an emotion: Resentment.

name a room in your house: Mine.

name a website: Twitter.

name a car: Hyundai Palisade.

name something you need to do today: It’s a holiday today so I technically should be off work, but since it’s a holiday squished in the middle of the week that’s just another way of saying my dayoff will be a scam lmao. That said, I need to draft an article today for a client.

name someone you admire: My dad.

name someone you miss: My two best friends.

name a part of the body: Thighs.

name the last youtube video you watched: It was a Taehyung-focused compilation.

name a quote you love: “If you really love to be loved, it’d be good to show those who love you how much you’ve changed.” There’s some background context obviously playing around in here and most people might not recognize the weight it holds if they’re unfamiliar, but it’s a quote that really means a lot to me and came to me during a time I needed to hear it.

[lovemesomesurveys]

an internet/social media survey. 1 - Are you one of those people who shares absolutely everything on social media? What do you think about those who do? I do tend to overshare in surveys and I share quite a bit on Twitter. I’m pretty quiet on my other social media sites, though, in terms of that. It only bugs me when people share something and then someone asks about it and they’re like, “I don’t want to share it on here” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” You just did, though? Why post about it then? Plus, my nosy ass wants to know haha. I see that all the time on Facebook.

2 - Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? I don’t think so. Back in the Myspace days people knew cause I posted them there, but no one in “real life” follows me on here. I’m surprised I shared those back then cause I don’t want anyone to see them now. Although, I wasn’t as open back then in surveys. I took the more basic ones and didn’t elaborate like I do now.

3 - When you receive a text message, do you reply straight away or wait a little while instead? It depends.

4 - Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I don’t recall. It was probably some spam account on here.

5 - Aside from Tumblr, what websites do you spend the most time on? I spend a lot of time on YouTube. 

6 - What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Ooh. I’ve had an online and social media presence for so long... like it was probably something that doesn’t even exist now.  I remember some teen sites I was on that I guess were like the social medias of the day. For example, there was this one website I remember called Kiwibox, where you could interact with other people, post stuff, and it shared like trending topics and whatnot that I was a member of in the early 2000s. It was pre-Myspace. I don’t think it even exists now, but if it did I’m sure my account was deleted long ago for being inactive. 

7 - How many social media accounts do you have now? Do you use them all regularly? If not, which ones do you think you update the most and why? I’m on all the common ones. I use them all, but I’m more active on some than others. Some I check regularly but rarely post. For instance, I’m super active on here and I post on Twitter quite a bit. I check Facebook a few times a day and “like” some stuff, but I very rarely post. I check Instagram and Snapchat, but not daily and I rarely post or even interact on there. I spend the least amount of time on those two.

8 - Are there are any popular apps/social media sites that you've never got into or signed up for? How come? Hmm. Like I said, I have all the main ones I think.

9 - Do you take surveys on any other website apart from Tumblr? Nope. 

10 - Before Tumblr existed, what kind of blogging site did you use (eg. LiveJournal, Xanga etc.). I had a Xanga and LJ account. 

11 - Is there anything you miss about websites like MySpace, or do you prefer social media the way it is now? The Myspace days were interesting that’s for sure. I miss the hype of changing up my page and adding stuff, picking my profile song, rearranging my top 8, changing my display name, follow forever trains, comment 4 comments... haha what a ride.

12 - How old were you when you first got the internet at home? Was it broadband/wireless or did you use dial-up? I remember it wasn’t long after my brother was born, so it was sometime in 1999. I remember when my mom brought home our first computer. Those were the days of dial up/AOL. Gah, I do not miss that. 

13 - Are you old enough to remember life without any kind of internet access whatsoever? What kind of things did you do to fill the time? Ha, yeah. It’s crazy to think of the days before the internet, but I did have them. I actually used to play outside *gasp* That’s shocking cause ya’ll know I’m a hermit crab. I used to get so tan back then cause I spent so much time outside. Other things I used to do was play Barbies for hours, play with my cousins, read, color, and watch TV.

14 - Have you ever gotten into an argument with a stranger online before? Lol yeah.

15 - Overall, would you say social media is a good thing or a bad thing, or does it depend on how you choose to use it? It definitely has its pros and cons. There’s a dark side to social media and the internet in general, but a lot of good can be done with it as well. 

16 - How much time do you think you spend online each day? Is this something that varies depending on the weather? I spend a decent amount of time online for sure, but it does vary. The weather has absolutely nothing to do with it. 

17 - If your internet went off right now and you knew it wouldn't come back on for several hours, what would you go and do instead? Well, it’s 3:50AM so I’d watch some TV and attempt to go to bed.

18 - Since getting the internet, what's the longest period of time you've gone without access to it? Did you miss it as much as you thought you might? Probably the times I had surgery. I didn’t have to go completely without because once I was able to I was able to rent laptops that were available for patient use or access a computer while there. That was really nice during the couple times I had to spend a few months in the hospital. Even the shorter stays, like a week or two, I had some access at some point. But yeah, I definitely wasn’t on nearly as much during those times. Not at all the first few days/week. Then when I was back home and had my laptop I still wouldn’t feel up to spending much online. I did miss it, but I spent so much time resting and sleeping during the early stages of recovery so it was fine for awhile. I did start to get stir crazy, though.

19 - What's something you find yourself doing less of because you spend too much time online? Hm. I can’t think of anything I do less for that particular reason. 

20 - What websites do you spend the most time on? Do these fall into any particular category or are they just random? Tumblr, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.

21 - What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I miss Xanga a lot. The survey community was poppin back then. I miss the days, not so much the websites themselves, of Myspace, Neopets, playing games on Disney Channel’s and Nickelodeon’s websites, making dolls, and the AOL teen message boards. Good times, good times. Much nostalgia. 

22 - Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Nope. I had online friends back in the day that I talked to all the time and actually texted with. I even talked to them on the phone a couple times. :O That was during my Jonas Brothers days and I got close to a few people that I met through a Jonas Brothers’ message board and chatroom. I was pretty involved on there. I can’t believe I used to do that cause I wouldn’t do that now.

23 - What's your thoughts on internet dating and is it something you would ever consider for yourself? I probably wouldn’t do it myself, but hey if that works for people then go for it. *shrug*

24 - Do you tend to shop more online or in person? Is that something that's changed since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic? I do all my shopping online now since the pandemic hit, but even for a few years prior I was doing most of my shopping online. 

25 - Speaking of the pandemic, did you find all the stories on social media quite scary or overwhelming at the beginning? Absolutely. 

26 - If someone on social media annoys or upsets you, are you likely to tell them or just hit the hide/block buttons? Nah, I’ll just keep on scrolling. If it’s that bad then I’d likely mute or just delete. 

27 - Are there topics you won't post on social media about, simply because they always end up in an argument? I don’t post about politics. 

28 - Are you friends with your parents and family members online? Do you limit what you say because you know they can see it? Yes and yes. Like, even though I don’t post anything bad or risqué lol I still hide some stuff from my grandparents just because they wouldn’t get it, ya know? I’ve done that before and my Nana called my dad and asked if I was okay cause I posted some relatable self-deprecating meme or something haha. It’s sweet of course that she cares, but yeah I didn’t want her to get worried and concerned over stuff like that.

29 - Are you using the internet for anything else except this survey right now? I’m watching ASMR videos on YouTube as well.

30 - Do you access the internet more via a phone, tablet or laptop/PC? Which device do you prefer overall? I use my phone a lot for certain things and my laptop for others. Like, I much prefer the Facebook and Twitter apps, and I access Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, the Kindle app, and my email on my phone as well. I use both for YouTube. I only like to access Tumblr on my laptop, though, as well as Pinterest.

[pantsusnifferr]

I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get. 

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker 

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind. 

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes
. 

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out. 

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work. 

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

[dennydraws]

Favorite Art Supplies of 2019!

Hello everyone! 2019 is nearly over and I thought to do something I haven’t done before - talk about art supplies!  Have you met an artist who isn’t going bananas over art supplies? Nether have I and I’m no exception! This year was kind to me and I got to try so many different things. I feel in love with drawing all over again! I’m so glad I went out of my comfort zone for some things, I kept what materials worked for me and gave up on those who weren’t my cup o tea without feeling remorse. Now my cousin’s daughter enjoys a huge bag of watercolor brush pens, pastels, chalks and other goodies I so generously donated. :’D  

But without further ado, favorite art supplies I discovered in 2019, GO!

1. Posca Pens

I saw various artsy youtubers use these but they didn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. Boy, was I wrong! I absolutely fell in love with the these acrylic pens. I felt like I had to push my creativity with how I build shapes and simplify a lot of designs in order to properly use them. It was so much fun and I remember doing artwork after artwork the next day after I got them. I bought a few extra, more thin ones after which I use for finer details. They are so, so vibrant and just make me happy! The fact I can’t really go into too much details with them takes so much pressure off the artwork and just makes me enjoy it a ton more.

2. Paul Rubens Watercolor - Custom Pastel Palette 

This custom palette I saw on aliexpress and thought it’s not colors I’d use but I found myself thinking about it for weeks until I finally ordered it. The paints looked like a cute little candy box! The colors were so creamy, mostly opaque and they felt like some mix between gouache and watercolors. None of them were chalky after they dried and I didn’t see any granulation. I absolutely love, love, love them! They layer great, they go great with one another, I adore this palette and used it plenty for these dreamy, fluffy, lovey dovey pictures. Definitely going to order another one if I end up using all of it, or try to re-create it with my own refills. 

3. 100% Cotton Watercolor Paper

That’s a bit embarrassing to say but as someone who was new to watercolors but practicing diligently I um, discovered this year that the watercolor paper I use may not in fact be the best watercolor paper to use. I was so confused! I saw a video called “It’s not your watercolor, it’s your paper” where the difference was explained. Needless to say I was very, very surprised and very very curious! I ordered some small and medium sketchbooks with 100% cotton watercolor paper and me, oh, my!! The difference is insane! It’s hard to pick any other watercolor paper now that I’ve tasted the sweet 100% cotton one. It soaks so much better, it keeps the colors so much more vibrant and the way the colors bloom... ahh! 

4. Spectrum Noir Illustrator Markers

This brand of markers I discovered through a Scrawlbox subscription box a year or so ago. I loved the colors but the marker nib frayed so fast. Later this year I read they upgraded the markers with different brush nibs and I saw my local art store had them there. I bought two colors and now I have about 20. They layer so well, they blend absolutely fantastic and the nib hasn’t frayed at all after using them for about 5-6 drawings so far. They are definitely replacing the Touch markers I was using them until now. Both brands being amazing, it’s just that I find the brush nib on the spectrum noir to be more soft, more flexible while Touch are bit harder but also feels sturdier. At the end it’s up to the artist’s preferences. Some prefer sturdier nibs and I do too to an extend. I think perhaps working with watercolors for a while made me prefer the softer ones? Hmm!

5. Erasable color lead mechanical pencils

Another thing I had no idea existed, ahem! I saw people use erasable color pencils in some videos and got pretty curious, what was that!? I saw none sold locally so it was another order from aliexpress for me. I got a couple of color leads aaand, I will likely not pick a normal pencil for a while lol. Unless my drawing is meant to be in darker tones, where I’d imagine a regular pencil would be nicer, color lead did wonders for my marker drawings! Absolutely in love and glad I got two packs of color lead to last me for a while! :D

And that’s it! It wasn’t a thorough review or anything, I’m sure you can find such on youtube. I just wanted to share my experience with new art supplies and maybe inspire you to try some as well or buy something nice for yourself that you’ve meant to but thought it’s not your kinda thing. Who knows, maybe it’s exactly your thing!

Thank you for stopping by, have a good week!  🤗

[msblackfires]

So for any follower who doesn't know, I'm an elementary music teacher. I'm teaching 100% virtual (prek and kinder are in their classrooms with their ipads on goggle meet, and 1st-4th grade are at home on their district provided devices.) We are just hitting the end of our first quarter next week.

The amount of sanity I've lost since the beginning of September is incredible. Actually, its not that I've gotten more mentally unstable, its just that its shifted. I spent July and August prepared to end my marriage. I was deeply unhappy in several ways and had no faith that anything would get much better. And so I did it. I told husband on August 20th that I was done, that we needed to end this. It was very very difficult and painful, and necessary. And he put up a good fight. We sat on it for a few days. We had hours upon hours of conversation. And we agreed to be more present for each other, and to make changes.

And so we have. And things between Daryl and I are greatly improving. He is healing. We are more intimate and considerate. Its good.

Important to note - when things were getting bad with Daryl, when my threshold for loneliness had been exceeded, I was developing feelings for an old friend that I'd been snap flirting with when I felt neglected by Daryl, who I had a one night thing with in spring 2019, who I was ready to see again but then Covid. So like, i was clearly out of my mind all summer.

And then when I resolved to work on my marriage, I realized I had to let my friend go. And I have, in a way I didn't think I was going to be possible so quickly.

I chalk that up to feeling much more fulfilled with Daryl. But it could also partially be because I'm too fucking busy and stressed to worry about some snarky motherfucker in ABQ.

I just really don't feel that intense lust for him anymore.

So like, my marriage is getting better and that has helped me feel better, but now I'm being driven insane by work.

I think sensory overload is bigger issue than I anticipated. I'm not learning things as easily or quickly, I cant remember shit, which I'm sure is depression brain fog. The closer and closer we get to the election, every day there are more revelations of voter disenfranchisement, intimidation, bullshit. I'm not sleeping well.

I'm at the end of my rope and there are precious few things keeping me going.

Daryl, for sure. He has been so sweet and attentive. My students. They are really doing their best to engage in my lessons but they are also just being so kind and loving. I told my third graders today about my frustration with my technology not working how it should, and that instead of.our regular lesson today we would just relax and sing Halloween songs and chit chat for a few minutes. My classes aren't very long, and they have an extra class time withbme tomorrow so we can get caught up. I told them I needed a class like this to help me calm down and feel better. They really understood how I felt, and I can understand how they must feel at home sometimes, struggling to make things work and worried you will be a bad student/teacher.

And so we sang a few silly songs. Then we talked. One boy shared that his cousin got a dog and a puppy. Then one boy said he misses school in the building. He said he misses me. Then all the kinds chime in with how they miss me and my music classroom. One girl says she wishes I were her classroom teacher so she could spend all day with me. Oof. That made me tear up. One boy, to whom singing is like breathing, asked if we could sing "see You Again" by that one guy. We sang it in choir a few years ago. Well I forgot that the rap version isn't clean, so when damn showed up on the YouTube lyrics video, I quickly shut it down and apologized for making a mistake. And a few of the kids that even noticed just giggled a bit and said its ok.

The kids asked me will I be the music teacher still next school year and I assured them that I plan to be the music teacher there until they were grownups with their own kids going to school here. And thats the truth.

My students are really incredible little humans.

My friends have been so kind and understanding. And I've been a real shit friend.

We've been watching good TV. Binged Dark (AMAZING!), Vice Principals, now we're on season 2 of Barry, which is even better than I thought it would be. We've been playing music together and having great intimacy too.

So there is good. It's just that the bad is incredibly foreign to me, ya know? And my defenses are not sure how to handle it. Like, nothing works as well as expected.

Ugh. If that ain't my life.

Anyhow. That's where I'm at mentally/emotionally. I had a panic attack when I came home, Daryl helped me calm down, took a gummy, enjoyed Barry, now I'm in bed. Daryl is watching the debate downstairs and on the break he's going to bring me hot apple cider. I think I'll watch something on TV. Not sure what though. The TV in here isn't great so I dont want to watch like, Prestige Television ™️. Maybe Bob's Burgers. Watch all the Halloween episodes.

Tonight, everything is ok.

So there is good things

[xbreezymeadowsx]

200 Questions

No one asked me to do it but I made @sharpiewashere do it so it’s only fair I suffer through, too.

200: My crush’s name is: Zach because husband but also... Tommy motherfuckin’ Flanagan

199: I was born in: New Hampshire

198: I am really: horny and annoyed

197: My cellphone company is: Verizon

196: My eye color is: Brown

195: My shoe size is: like 10.5W I think.

194: My ring size is: I think it’s a 9.

193: My height is: 5’ 3”

192: I am allergic to: cats and crop dust

191: My 1st car was: old ass shitty Jeep Grand Cherokee

190: My 1st job was: at a stand in a city mall where we had an inflatable slide and two bounces houses and served sno cones, smoothies, and novelty ice creams

189: Last book you read: Fangs by Sarah Andersen

188: My bed is: fuckin’ broken and uncomfortable and clearly not big enough for myself and my bedhog husband.

187: My pet: 1 old black cat.

186: My best friend: Yuki (that bitch is my best best best friend and I miss her to pieces)

185: My favorite shampoo is: Garnier Whole Blends: Honey Treasures

184: Xbox or ps3: Fuck both. Switch.

183: Piggy banks are: cute

182: In my pockets: nada at the moment

181: On my calendar: is scribbles from my kid

180: Marriage is: Don’t marry a redneck!

179: Spongebob can: stop. Give me the early Bob but that’s it.

178: My mom: loves Unicorns

177: The last three songs I bought were? Wap metal version, Room with a Zoo, Shoop

176: Last YouTube video watched: GabSmolders playing Control

175: How many cousins do you have? technically only 2 by blood and actual familial connections. 6 if you count some others. 9 if you count step-cousins.

174: Do you have any siblings? 1 big Seester!

173: Are your parents divorced? Yeah

172: Are you taller than your mom? Maybe? IDK, we’re both shorties

171: Do you play an instrument? sadly, no.

170: What did you do yesterday? Slept and worked

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: yes

168: Luck: yes

167: Fate: yes

166: Yourself: HA, you’re funny.

165: Aliens: no

164: Heaven: these are...

163: Hell: ... kinda loaded...

162: God: ... questions

161: Horoscopes: maybe

160: Soul mates: yes

159: Ghosts: yes

158: Gay Marriage: yes

157: War: yes

156: Orbs: yes

155: Magic: yes

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: unfortunately neither.

152: Phone or Online: online

151: Red heads or Black haired: black

150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunette

149: Hot or cold: cold

148: Summer or winter: winter

147: Autumn or Spring: autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

145: Night or Day: night

144: Oranges or Apples: apples

143: Curly or Straight hair: straight

142: McDonalds or Burger King: McD’s outta these choices but I’d take Steak’N’Shake over either.

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk and Dark.

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Zach can be sweet (he certainly isn’t ugly to look at) and we’re definitely on the poor side.

137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi (anybody remember Pepsi Twist? That was the best!)

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Buried or cremated: Buried I guess. Though, if I’m cremated, my ashes need to be spread in one place and no separating them.

134: Singing or Dancing: singing

133: Coach or Chanel: I am a redneck, these things don’t mean anything to me.

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who?

131: Small town or Big city: small town

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Either? I shop Wal-Mart all the time out of convenience but I do like Target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I am overall not a fan of either barring a select couple movies (like Heavyweights and Little Nicky)

128: Manicure or Pedicure: no thanks.

127: East Coast or West Coast: east coast

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate

124: Disney or Six Flags: Can I go to a Zoo instead?

123: Yankees or Red Sox: I’ll say Sox because New England but I don’t particularly care for baseball.

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: there’s a time and place

121: George Bush: he’s an idiot?

120: Gay Marriage: yay!

119: The presidential election: tearing families apart because people are stupid and vote for Trump

118: Abortion: this is a bit of a grey area for me. While I firmly believe in “my body, my choice”, I do not accept that argument if you are constantly getting them as if it is a form of birth control. Use proper contraceptives you slut.

117: MySpace: does that even exist anymore?

116: Reality TV: certain ones can assume me.

115: Parents: love them even when you don’t like them.

114: Back stabbers: pussies.

113: Ebay: never used it

112: Facebook: is reserved for pictures of kids, pets, funny videos and memes, and gifs.

111: Work: shitty... literally

110: My Neighbors: I’m just glad they aren’t the cousin-fuckers or the Methicans anymore.

109: Gas Prices: it takes like 20 bucks to fill my tiny car gas tank so whatever.

108: Designer Clothes: never fit me

107: College: didn’t go.

106: Sports: HA. My fat ass play sports? Maybe Badminton or Tetherball but that’s it.

105: My family: lives too far away.

104: The future: needs to be better than now.

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: like 20 mins ago when my kid was trying to suck up to me to get a sip of my frappe.

102: Last time you ate: two hours ago.

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Zane’s first day of school this year. Miss Angie came over to see him off in the morning.

100: Cried in front of someone: probably a few weeks ago.

99: Went to a movie theater: Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2.

98: Took a vacation: three years ago.

97: Swam in a pool: probably close to 8 or more years ago.

96: Changed a diaper: 4-5 yrs ago.

95: Got my nails done: professionally? never. By Zane? last weekend.

94: Went to a wedding: three years ago.

93: Broke a bone: never. dislocated shit though.

92: Got a piercing: over a decade

91: Broke the law: probably frequently without realizing it.

90: Texted: couple mins ago.

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: oh I’m a funny bitch

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: nothing? fuck this house. fuck this town. fuck this state. I wanna go HOME home.

87: The last movie I saw: Smokin’ Aces 2

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: my nephew’s birth and the vacation we plan to take to see him!

85: The thing i’m not looking forward to: the travel for the vacation stated above.

84: People call me: a lot of things. most of them true.

83: The most difficult thing to do is: wake up

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

81: My zodiac sign is: Taurus

80: The first person i talked to today was: my husband

79: First time you had a crush: I had a massive crush on Shawn Micheals as a kid.

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my Seester

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: probably someone in the Flanaclan Chapel

76: Right now I am talking to: the Flanaclan on and off

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I’m supposed to grow up?

74: I have/will get a job: yes

73: Tomorrow: is Halloween

72: Today: I’m horny and annoyed

71: Next Summer: is a long time away

70: Next Weekend: work

69: I have these pets: already answered

68: The worst sound in the world: right now I’d have to say it’s Zane clucking his tongue.

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself? or more specifically my anxiety brain.

66: People that make you happy: my Flanaclan friends, my bff, my sister.

65: Last time I cried: a few weeks ago

64: My friends are: on the internet and/or mostly too far away

63: My computer is: a hunk of shit laptop

62: My School: never going ever again.

61: My Car: looks like the car emoji.

60: I lose all respect for people who: beat animals

59: The movie I cried at was: recently? Up

58: Your hair color is: brown

57: TV shows you watch: SOA, SVU, SWAT, wrestling, Wynonna Earp, Van Helsing, Supernatural

56: Favorite web site: tumblr and youtube

55: Your dream vacation: Scotland, Ireland, Wales, England, all that.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: dislocating my knee

53: How do you like your steak cooked: med rare

52: My room is: some boring off-white

51: My favorite celebrity is: Tommy Flanagan

50: Where would you like to be: New Hampshire

49: Do you want children: I have 1 and that’s 1 too many.

48: Ever been in love: yup

47: Who’s your best friend: didn’t I already answer this?

46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls nowadays. guys around here suck.

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: reading Chibs fics, staring at Flanagan

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Flanagan

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: hell no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no

41: Have you pre-named your children: I did not.

40: Last person I got mad at: me

39: I would like to move to: for the millionth time, New Hampshire

38: I wish I was a professional: dog sitter/walker

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Sour Patch Watermelons

36: Vehicle: 90′s Ford Ranger, Jeep Renegade, Jeep Wrangler, Jeep Gladiator, Ford Shelby GT350R 

35: President: certainly not the fuckin’ current one.

34: State visited: Massachusetts

33: Cellphone provider: Verizon

32: Athlete: Aleister Black, Drew McIntyre, Luchasaurus, Sonny Kiss (and fuck you if you try to tell me they aren’t athletes)

31: Actor: Tommy Flanagan

30: Actress: Millie Bobby Brown

29: Singer: Ville Valo

28: Band: HIM

27: Clothing store: don’t care.

26: Grocery store: don’t care.

25: TV show: Law & Order: SVU (as much as I’d love to say SOA, Law & Order was my first real love)

24: Movie: 10 Things I Hate About You

23: Website: tumblr, youtube

22: Animal: dogs, wolves

21: Theme park: Zoos

20: Holiday: Halloween

19: Sport to watch: professional wrestling, football, hockey

18: Sport to play: nothing that requires that much energy

17: Magazine: don’t read them much

16: Book: the House Of Night series and sequel series by P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast (I don’t care that I’m probably too old for them now, I love them)

15: Day of the week: Saturday

14: Beach: Hampton Beach, NH

13: Concert attended: 69 Eyes headlined (opening with Night Kills The Day, then Fair To Midland which were fine but also Wednesday 13!!!!!)

12: Thing to cook: fajitas

11: Food: apple fritters/apple cider donuts

10: Restaurant: Panda Express I suppose.

9: Radio station: WGFA

8: Yankee candle scent: Midsummers Night

7: Perfume: don’t wear perfume so much as body spray and it’s usually something like cucumber melon or some baked goods scent.

6: Flower: Tiger Lillies

5: Color: Green- specifically Forest/Hunter

4: Talk show host: idk I used to watch Maury all the time, does that count?

3: Comedian: George Carlin

2: Dog breed: Pittie mixes, mutts, labs, medium to big short haired breeds

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes I did.

[godlyborn]

and all this time, i’ve been hiding. / bailey pt. iv

date: december 14, 2020 trigger warnings: abandonment mention

part i // part ii // part iii // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii

Bailey walked away from baggage claim, bag in hand. Her stomach was doing flip flops. Bailey wasn’t even sure who to look for. Would Hannah look like her? Or at least, would she look like Hannah? Bailey rocked on her heels, watching the crowds of people disperse, finding their way to their next destination that wasn’t the bus stop. At this point, part of Bailey started to panic. What if she came here for nothing? What if Hannah changed her mind? What if she did this because she hated Bailey? What if--- Her thoughts came full stop when she saw another blonde, looking around too. The woman stepped forward, stopping when her eyes met Bailey. “Bailey?”

Bailey promised herself she wouldn’t cry. She wasn’t sure what to think of this woman quite yet. She couldn’t let herself be seen that way, so she stood there. She nodded at the other, taking a hesitant step forward. Bailey looked so much like her, it felt weird to finally have someone that she looked like stand right in front of her. 

The woman took the other in, almost afraid to touch her when she finally got only about a foot away from Bailey. Hannah looked at the other, the blonde braid Bailey had, matching her blonde ponytail, and her eyes, they were her eyes, and they were exactly how she remembered them. “You look so grown up,” she commented, but then made a face as if she shouldn’t have said that. Of course she looked grown up. “It has been eighteen years,” Bailey replied, Bailey made the same face, cursing herself for not being more considerate about it. “Sorry, I uh, that was harsh. I should not have said that.” Bailey half expected her to tell her to go home right then and there. 

“Do you maybe, want to get coffee first or something? Before we dive right in?” Hannah suggested. “Are you okay with that?”

Bailey let herself feel relief that Hannah still wanted her here. “I’m okay with that,” Bailey answered. “Coffee at 5 pm? I like the way you think.”

Hannah let out a small laugh. “Of course, I know just the place. Do you need help with one of your bags?”

“If you don’t mind,” Bailey said. “It’s not too much for me.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Hannah insisted, taking one of Bailey’s bags in her arms.

“Thanks…” Bailey trailed off slightly. She didn’t want to add a Mom, it didn’t seem right. They barely know each other, despite Bailey being birthed from her. “Uh, I’m not sure what I should call you.”

Hannah’s face fell slightly, as if she didn’t really think too much of that either. “Uh, you can probably just call me Hannah if you’re comfortable with that?”

Bailey nodded. “That’s okay with me,” she replied. 

Hannah smiled back at her. “Great,” she said. Bailey felt weird. This woman was so nice, so beautiful, and Bailey was…. well, Bailey. She was angry and short-tempered, and personality wise the complete opposite of this woman standing before her. But her heart was warm, and for once in her life, she felt like she didn’t need to try to get someone to love her, or try to trust another person. Sure, there were her siblings back at camp, but there was always a part of her she hid from everyone, even them, and it also took her a bit to trust them too.

Besides the over-analyzing part of her brain telling her not to go, Bailey followed Hannah anyway. They packed up Bailey’s things in the trunk of her car, before getting into the passenger seat next to Hannah. “So, uh,” Bailey paused, unsure what to do or say, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what to say.”

“Uh,” Hannah was at a loss too. For a moment, they sat in silence, awkwardly. “Why don’t we start with questions. I sure have a lot, I bet you have some too.” Bailey nodded in response. “So, are you going to school right now?”

“I uh, graduated,” Bailey replied. “I haven’t started college or anything. I went to uh…” Bailey paused, leaving out the fact she was a demigod at first. She’d rather ease Hannah into that, “a special school. So it was run differently than normal schools. I didn’t know what to do in college so I haven’t gone yet. I’ve been thinking of going to school to be a mechanic though.”

“Oh yeah? That’s interesting,” Hannah commented. Bailey felt scared that Hannah thought she was a disappointment, so she watched out the window as they drove. “Do you have friends from school though?”

Bailey nodded. “Yeah, there’s a group of us, well, sorta, I’m only close with a few of them.”

“Tell me about them,” she insisted. 

“The group?” Bailey asked to clarify, as Hannah parallel parked outside the small cafe. 

Hannah nodded. “Or the ones you’re close to. Any best friends? Any crushes?” Bailey blushed when she mentioned crushes. “So there is a crush. Come on, let’s get settled and you can tell me all about them.” Bailey nodded in agreement. The cafe didn’t seem to be very popular, there was a short line, and getting up to the front was quick. Both Hannah and Bailey ordered some food and a coffee, before taking a seat at a table. “So?”

“Well, there’s Logan, she’s my best friend. She’s kind of the one who encouraged me to meet you.”

“Oh, I like her already.”

“I’ve known her for a few years, and she kind of sought me out. She’s a bit of a social butterfly, and well, I’m kind of the opposite. She’s my best friend in the entire world and I’d probably die for her if I needed to.”

“So, she’s really important to you.”

“100 percent. She’s always there, and I don’t know if I’d be anywhere without her. We dance together and hang out together. She has a youtube channel, it’s under Logan Vance. I’m in a whole bunch of her vlogs with her, because I’m pretty much with her like 90 percent of the time. I used to date her brother, when we broke up, we stayed friends because I didn’t want her to feel like she had to choose. Plus, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her.”

“You dated her brother?”

“Yeah, for maybe about a year? Almost? We broke up a few months ago, because it wasn’t really working out. He’s still really cool though.”

“And who are you with for the other 10 percent of the time that you’re not with Logan?” Hannah asked. 

“Well, there’s also Micah, they’re a friend of mine too, but I mostly dance with them,” Bailey replied.

“You dance?”

Bailey nodded. “Yeah, mostly tap, but I dabble in other styles. Micah and I do a lot of contemporary. I really like the tricks from partner dances, and they’re not afraid of throwing me around,” she said with a slight chuckle. “Now, what about this crush?” 

Bailey blushed again. “Well, his name is Griffin. He’s new to ca-- I mean town. We don’t know much about each other, but there’s something about him that makes him really easy to talk to.”

“Is he cute?” Hannah asked.

Bailey nodded as part of her answer. “Yes, definitely, but that’s not the only thing. He’s kind of a little shit, a bit rude and passive aggressive, but sometimes I can be aggressive aggressive, so I don’t mind it. He’s actually funny about it, if I’m being honest. He is low-key nice, and he’s fun, and really chill. I don’t think he likes me though.”

“Why is that?” Hannah asked as someone dropped off their coffees and food for them. They smiled and thanked the girl.

Bailey shrugged, as she turned her attention back on Hannah. “He likes another person from our group, Len.”

“Are you close to them?” Bailey shook her head. “Not really, they’re really cool, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t really hang out with them alone. I’m more close to Logan, Griffin, and my cousin, Elias. Elias and Logan are pretty close to Len though.”

“Your cousin?” 

Bailey slightly cringed, she meant to keep family from this. “Yeah, he’s one of my best friends. He was a little nervous about me coming to Michigan. He’s also kind of nervous about everything though. I still love him.” She took a few bites from her sandwich.

“Do you have any other family? I want to know all about your adopted family,” she said.

Bailey turned away from her slightly when she said adopted. She was silent for a minute. “No, I wasn’t adopted,” she said. “Uh, they’re my family by blood, Dad’s side of the family. I have quite a bunch of siblings,” she replied.

“Oh,” Hannah replied, her face dropping a little. “I’m sorry, I assumed that you Dad never got back into the picture. 

“No, no, it’s okay, he did, when I was seven. Well, sort of,” Bailey replied, drinking some of her coffee, as if it would cover up the awkwardness.

“Sort of?”

“Well, it’s a long story,” Bailey replied. “For another time.”

Hannah nodded, respecting Bailey’s wishes. “Why don’t you tell me about them? Your siblings?”

“There’s a bunch of them. Alex, they’re the oldest, they’re basically your typical mom friend type of person. Got me going to therapy, fixes up bumps and bruises, calls you dumb when you’re really being dumb. I’m not the closest with them, but they’re cool, they’re out of town right now, but they check in every once in a while. Then there’s Amber, she’s super sweet and quirky. Her and Rory are really close, she’s in London right now, but I’m sure she’ll come back to visit soon, we have phone calls once in a while. Then there’s Rory who is like one of my best friends, we’re really close. She’s really bad ass, and don’t ever tell her this, but I really look up to her.”

“Oh, so I get to meet these siblings?”

Bailey shrugged, she didn’t want to get too ahead of herself. “Maybe one day.”

“Are those your only siblings?” Hannah asked.

Bailey shook her head. “There’s Jenny and Miles too. I don’t really know Miles too much, just from Jenny, but Jenny is like my go to with relationships and for advice. She’s in Virginia right now, I really miss her.”

“I didn’t know your father had other kids.”

“I think that one is a long story too, which we have the week to talk about,” Bailey reminded her.

Hannah nodded. “How about we head back to my place, yeah? I’m sure you’re exhausted.” Bailey nodded in response, following Hannah back toward the car. “Maybe we can talk more about you when we’re there. I have a lot of questions.”

“Of course,” Hannah responded.

The drive back wasn’t very long, Hannah didn’t live too far from the cafe, in fact she seemed to live pretty close to a lot of things. Bailey expected to pull into some type of parking garage for an apartment, or on the street. Instead, they pulled into the driveway of a nice house, within a van in the driveway too. Why would Hannah need a van? Not to mention two cars?

Bailey got out, looking a little confused, and Hannah unloaded the two small bags she had brought. “I thought you--” Bailey was cut off by a four, maybe five, year old running outside to Hannah. 

“Mommy! Mommy!” she yelled. 

Hannah scooped up the little girl. “Hi, baby, I want you to meet someone,” she said. Bailey stood there, confused. How could she not see this one coming? She didn’t respond and Hannah continued. “Sally, this is Bailey,” she said.

“Hi, Bailey,” the little girl responded. “Why are you crying?”

Crying? Bailey didn’t even recognize she was crying, but she was. There were tears actively streaming down her face. Hannah’s face contorted into one of concern and she let the child down. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go find Daddy and let him know to set up a bed for Bailey.”

When Hannah looked back up, Bailey had her hands in fists, her nails digging deep into her palms, trying not the panic. It wasn’t working. “I didn’t-- I,” Bailey tried to form a coherent sentence, instead she was backing away from the other. Her fight or flight kicking in. She felt so stupid. “This, this was a bad idea.” 

Hannah stepped forward. “Bailey, please,” she went to steady Bailey, touch her arm for comfort, but Bailey flinched back. The wind picked up around the two as Bailey got more and more emotional.

She shook her head, trying to will the tears to stop. “I didn’t…” Bailey cursed at herself to try and find the words. “You wanted to be a mom, but you didn’t want to be my mom.”

Hannah stepped forward again. “Bailey, no,” Hannah insisted.

Instead of responding, Bailey took off running. She didn’t know where to, she just let her feet pound against the pavement, trying to find somewhere that felt safe. No where did though. She was in a strange city, ignoring her best judgements, and getting herself hurt, like she always did. Hannah ran after her for a while “Bailey!” she screamed, but Bailey just kept running. Hannah was no match for Bailey.

It had to have been at least ten minutes of running, before Bailey came across a small playground, with a bench. She sat on the bench, she had no idea what to do, where to go. She felt so alone and hurt.

Bailey sat here for a while, unsure of what her next step would be. That’s when Hannah’s car pulled up. Hannah got out, jogging to Bailey. Bailey didn’t look at her, too hurt to even put anything to words. “Bailey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have known. Please, just come back home.”

Bailey shook her head. “This isn’t my home, I want to go back home,” she said harshly.

Hannah sighed, looking as though those words stung. “At least stay the night, and if you want to go back home still tomorrow morning, I’ll drive you to the airport, I promise. You can’t stay out here all night, it’s freezing.”

Bailey made a face. She was right, and Bailey didn’t want to admit it. “Okay,” she said, finally, with a soft tone to her voice. “But only for the night.”

[chocolatemillkk]

Intensity JS-wip

“We’re dating each other.” Y/N bursts into my room. “Okay? You’re my date.”

“Who-“

“Byron let me in,” she explains before I could ask my question.

“Why-“

“Long story or short?” She plops herself onto my bed and falls back, grabbing a pillow to scream into.

“Is that the short story?” I chuckle as I go back to folding my laundry.

“Long story it is. So you know how going back home for the holidays is always such a pain because my extended family is a pain in the-”

“Yeah-“ I try to get in but she cuts me off.

“And remember I’m always forced to face my ex-the one I dated for two bloody years and who dumped me for my cousin?”

“You’ve mentioned about a million tim-“

“So this year my mum invited that little bitch to ours for Christmas dinner because her parents are travelling the world or some shite and she has no one for Christmas dinner. But here’s the kicker! Turns out she’s still with my ex and they’re engaged now...”

I listen, amused at how fast Y/N zooms through her story. She’s equal parts angry, stressed, and already convinced I would say yes.

“So in order for me to keep the sliver of respect I still have, and not to look like a complete loser who hasn’t held a steady boyfriend since...well...since him. I need to bring a boyfriend home. I thought about bringing home a girlfriend just to freak everyone out-you know...but none of my friends were up for it. They already look at me weird because I do Youtube for a career but-“

“Y/N,” I push my clothes aside and jump onto the bed to push her down. She goes down with a shout and I kneel over her. “Shut up will you? I’ll bloody come as long as I’m back in London by Sunday.”

“Oh you will. Dinner’s Friday and we’re leaving right after!”

“You’re mad you know that?” I shake my head and she delivers a foot to my stomach. I lose my balance and come crashing down onto the bed beside her.

“You’ll see why I’m so mad when I take you home.” Y/N scrubs her eyes.

“I’ll finally ask your mum if she dropped you on your head as a child,” I say, pushing Y/N’s buttons even more. I get the desired response-a string of swear words before she bounces off the bed.

“Now I have to go look for a dress that’ll make me look uh-mazing,” Y/N pauses by my door. “And I’ll pick you up Friday at 3.”

“Alright,” I sit up in bed. “And Y/N?” She turns to look at me, her cheeks flushed and mind whirring, a million miles away. “I don’t think you’re a complete loser.”

I manage to pull her back to the present as she focuses on what I’d just said. She rolls her eyes and sticks up her middle finger before leaving but not before I see the smile grace her face. I lay back down on the bed with the same smile that she never failed to leave me with.

•••

Y/N and I were complicated but at the same time we weren’t. We’d met on New Year’s a few years back and after a flirty night we somehow decided to stay friends. Somewhere along the way we became inseperable. But sometimes I wondered what would have happened that night if I did work up the courage to kiss her like I wanted, or if I asked her out on a date the next time we met instead of asking her if she wanted to join the boys and I for brunch.

Y/N was fierce to the outside world but I knew the softer side of her. The one she allowed me to see after many vulnerable drunk conversations and road trips we often took alone. She was my partner in crime and I was lucky she’d picked me to talk to that New Year’s Eve.

I sit in the passenger’s seat of Y/N eco friendly car-a spot I was so familiar with the seat probably had an imprint in the shape of my bum. Christmas carols play softly through the stereo but I can’t focus because Y/N continues talking through them.

“So not quite a year but almost,” Y/N tries to get our fake history right.

“How about we say we made it official at last New Year’s so it’s easy to remember?” I suggest.

“Oh you’re genius,” she grins a toothy grin. “Yes-oh by the way Josh was telling me about the costumes you ordered for that video? When’s that happening?”

We get side tracked talking about work and by the time we pull up to Y/N’s childhood home, she’s less anxious but its not completely gone. I manage to get her out of the car and hold her her hand as we get to the front door. Her mum opens, trying to hide her shocked expression at my presence but reassuring me she has plenty of food. Y/N’s younger sister barely spares me a glance from her phone, already decided years ago that I was weird after walking in on Y/N and I trying to eat cupcakes without our hands (in all fairness it was for a video). Her dad welcomes me warmly and we’re all sat in the sitting room when the doorbell rings.

“Oh that’s probably Eve and Jim!” Y/N’s mum gets up to get the door.

“Wonderful,” Y/N glances at me and then says something to her sister which sets her off laughing.

Y/N •••

“Y/N,” my cousin sounds scandalized as she observes Joe. “Is this Joe?”

“Yeah,” Joe’s hand circles my waist answering before I could. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“I didn’t know you two were dating,” she eyes our posture and wraps her hands around Jim’s waist. Her fiance. Gross.

Jim greets Joe wearily and glances at me before deciding to concentrate on the Christmas tree. I’m better off without him, I remind myself. Eve and him were a better couple anyway. I had moved on to better things. He wasn’t even that great.

“Yeah we are,” I find my voice. “Joe and I. We’re...in love! Right?”

“Very much,” Joe smiles at me but his eyes are teasing me so I avoid looking into them in case I start laughing again. He made it very hard to stay serious.

“That’s so cute!” Eve says before moving on to greet my sister. I roll my eyes to Joe before we take our seats which happen to be right across from the vacant seats Eve and Jim were going to take. I’m grateful for Joe who wraps his arms around my shoulders and keeps me comforted until dinner. He knows exactly what to do and say to make it believable, even pecking my cheek when Eve asks our first date story which he pulls out of his arse. He deserved an Oscar. I would tell him after.

Joe •••

“So Jim,” I say halfway into dinner. He didn’t speak much but I wanted to know the guy who was Y/N’s firsts. He didn’t seem much her type but I figured there was more under the surface. “What are the plans for the wedding?”

“It’s a summer wedding,” he says slowly. “I thought autumn would be nice but Eve didn’t want to risk bad weather and whatnot.”

“Not just bad weather,” Eve cuts in and begins detailing her wedding plans which Y/N kicks me under the table for starting.

“You see you two going that way?” Jim asks me after a while as Eve continues to explain to Y/N her bridesmaid dress.

“Y/N and me?” I ask, caught off guard.

“Yeah,” Jim laughs, raising an eyebrow. “I can see the way you two look at each other. And she’s a great girl.”

“Yeah...you would know,” It’s easy to slip in my question. “She’s kind of close lipped about what happened with you two...?”

“Really?” Jim glances at Y/N almost like she scared him. “That doesn’t sound like her.”

“Guess not,” I force a laugh. The truth was Y/N went on many rants about how unreliable men were and I knew that was due to Jim, she’d told me vaguely he broke up with her and started dating Eve a few weeks later. But never the details.

“We were young and-“ Jim hesitates and glances at Y/N and then back to me. “She was always a little intense you know? It was just...a little much for me.”

“I think she’s perfectly intense,” I feel myself getting defensive and Jim catches it too.

“Who’re you calling intense?” Y/N says at the same time, her eyes burning...well...intensely.

“Uhm,” Jim shakes his head. “Just talking to Joe-“

“You.” I say. “I was saying I loved your intensity.” Y/N stares at me suspiciously, trying to read whether I was lying or not. “It’s part of your charm.”

“Y/N’s charm is scaring everyone away,” her sister comments and Eve laughs.

“Shut up idiot,” Y/N stares daggers at her sister but she just shrugs.

“Well it’s sort of true,” Eve gloats. “In secondary everyone eventually stopped hanging out with you because you scared them all away.”

“Or maybe it’s because you always bitched about me to anyone who listened,” Y/N bites back but her voice shakes.

“Language,” Y/N’s dad warns.

“Well hey, I’m still here,” I interrupt and grab Y/N’s hand to hold, hoping to change the subject around.

“Yeah that’s cause you’re...weird. Like Y/N.” Her sister eyes me.

“Hey,” Y/N’s mum scolds everyone but I mouth a thanks to her sister and she rolls her eyes. She looked just like Y/N. “Let’s not have this conversation right now please. Eve your plate’s empty would you like seconds?”

“Yeah Eve,” Y/N spits. “Want some sloppy seconds?”

Eve’s mouth drops and Y/N’s parents scold her as her sister giggles.

“So mature,” Eve crosses her arms. “No reason to stay jealous Y/N.”

“Why would I be jealous of pathetic Jim over here.”

“Y/N!” Her mum scolds.

“Y/N you’re-“ Jim starts.

“Shut up!” Y/N cuts Jim off and I almost feel bad for him. “You don’t deserve to talk. Not to my face, in this house.”

“Well you better get over it,” Eve cuts in. “You’ll be seeing a lot of him since we’re getting married and all. He’ll be around for a while.”

“Lucky for you-no competition-your only other available cousin is underage.”

Y/N’s sister’s jaw drops and the table explodes around us. I figure Y/N had taken it too far but she’s already stomping away before I could reach for her. I leave the noisy table and find her exiting the front door. I grab her jacket and make my way outside.

“Do you still like him?” I ask after I hand her her coat. I don’t know why I ask. But it’s suddenly important for me to know.

“Ew gross, Sugg. I thought you knew me better.” Y/N glares at me.

“I do. I’m just wondering why you’re still upset after all these years. You don’t have feelings for him so-“

“I don’t know!” Y/N turns away from me. “I just hate seeing them together. It just hurts! It reminding me every time I do how I was such an idiot, it reminds me of the shitty time I had in secondary, and how Eve always wins at everything. Even my parents take her side over mine even though they clearly see everything she put me through! Jim dumped me because Eve talked bullshit about me all the time and complained to him constantly. He never minded I was so intense but suddenly he was scared away directly into her arms-“

“So fuck him!” I grab her shoulders.

“I already did!” The words fly out of Y/N’s mouth, and she tries to stay angry but her face cracks and suddenly she’s laughing. “Jesus he lost his v-card in the bedroom above from where he sits. I wonder how Eve feels about that.”

I laugh, relieved that Y/N had run out of her rage.

“Y/N,” I tell her. “You’re not scary or a loser. There’s nothing wrong with your job or you intensity. You’re perfect.”

“Is this where we kiss?” Y/N raises her eyebrow.

“No mistletoe,” I look above us.

She rolls her eyes but I glimpse a smile as she looks down. “Want to walk down to my old school? Where nobody liked me?”

“Yeah,” I button my coat and grab her hand. “I’ll beat up all the fake bullies.”

“You don’t have to hold my hand out here,” she looks down at our clasped hands.

“Keeps us warm,” I kiss her forehead and we’re off. She tells me stories from school and I imagine her here walking these streets as a kid. I finally get the full Y/N story by the time we reach the playground. We pause in front of the front entrance and she gazes up at the building. Suddenly, she turns to me and closes her arms around my shoulders, burying her face into my neck.

“I’m sorry for dragging you all the way out here for this shitshow and wasting your Friday.” She says close to my ear. I ignore the shiver that runs through me and wrap my arms around her waist.

“It was fun,” I tell her. “I liked the look on your cousin’s face when you asked her about your sloppy seconds.”

Y/N giggles into my neck before facing me. She grows serious as she scans my face this closely. “I never actually asked anyone else to be my fake date.”

“Hm.” I let the information sink in. “So you wanted to lure me out here all by myself.”

“Sort of,” a mischevious smile plays on her lips. “You got a history lesson out of it.”

“The only one worth paying attention to,” I say just as she tugs my sleeve and is off running towards the staircase leading into the building. She stops at the side, and stands there with her back against it.

“I never asked anyone to be my fake date because I wanted you by my side,” Y/N watches me intensely as she tells me what I already knew, but her confirmation gives me the only push I needed.

“Well,” I step forward, closing the distance between us and her breath catches as she looks up at me. “It’s good. I wouldn’t have wanted any other fake date to be able to do this.”

I lean down and her eyes are already fluttering close as I press my lips to hers and just like everything about her, it’s intense and passionate and entirely electric.

“Why haven’t we done that sooner,” she asks against my lips when we part but my senses are too jumbled to form a sentence. It didn’t matter we hadn’t done it sooner, I pull her into me to kiss her again, it was perfect the way

[lovelyirony]

Ironwidow fake dating and cousin Sharon matchmaking

Nat and Tony have been friends since seventh grade, when Tony made fun of her drawing and in retaliation, Nat stuck a pencil in his thigh. 

He grinned at her after sneakily getting a tissue from the front desk. 

“You’re pretty good, Nat.” 

“My name is Natasha.” 

“Not to me, it’s not.” 

So it becomes Nat and Tony. Tony and Nat. They do everything together, from attend the eighth grade pool parties and hate all of them to the freshman orientation in high school where they make fun of the senior leaders and sneak into the admissions office to make sure they have at least one class together. (And then change the schedule when they don’t.) 

Tony has been in love with Natasha Romanoff since the first eighth grade pool party, when she showed up in a full wet suit because she didn’t like the way that their classmate Ivan liked her. 

But, he hasn’t done anything about it. Why is that, everyone asks? Just ask her out! 

Well, Tony has a special talent that is medically known as “anxiety,” but he also has common sense. 

Natasha Romanoff is beautiful. She has gorgeous red hair, eyes that know everything about you before you even think they do, a wicked sense of humor, and a sense of self that is beyond anything Tony’s ever encountered. 

Tony stays up until three a.m., doesn’t give a shit about his appearance so he is frequently rushing to school with the worst bed hair imaginable, and also wears possibly the most out-of-style clothing ever. 

Like right now. A pair of jeans that’s too short and he cuffed only on one leg, a shirt that’s advertising some college Howard made him visit, and he’s pretty sure that the plaid he layered it with has a coffee stain down the back. 

He’s proven right when Sharon wrinkles her nose. 

“Dude, you seriously haven’t done laundry since two weeks ago, have you?” 

“Do I smell bad? Do I?” 

She leans in. 

“No, just like old coffee. So regular. We’ll see when Nat comes. Or you could confess your love to have her not roast your choice of apparel.” 

Tony scowls, adjusting his backpack. 

“Do you have another topic, or are you just that boring?” 

“I could also tell you about World War One,” Sharon adds. “I just read about it in one of those stupid textbooks I have to carry around. Did you know that the French are actually the worst at war?” 

“Yes, everyone knows that. I think they know that too.” 

Nat’s already at her locker. She looks gorgeous with her jean jacket, the new patches sewn on. 

“Looking cute,” Sharon says appreciatively. “Do you think you’re gonna get dress-coded for the ‘fuck men’ patch?” 

“Not if they want me to write an article on how the club fund got cut but the football team got another new field within four years,” Nat says. 

“Still a good article,” Tony says. “If you could still get into a college without a reputation ruined. You know how much schools care about sports.” 

“More than education at times!” Sharon cheers. 

Nat snorts, bringing Tony into a hug. 

“Nice to see you, dude. Ready for history?” 

“Not in the slightest. We’re probably talking about government procedure again while our teacher waxes poetic about the justice system. I think I might try to change the FDA’s home screen again.” 

“You know, they might catch on after the fourth time of you inserting random YouTube videos to different links.” 

“It’s the Federal Department of Agriculture, I highly doubt they care,” Tony says, rolling his eyes. “Besides, I’ve already proven that I’m probably better with technology than the government itself.” 

This was true; Tony had hacked into the official website of the White House with shitty hotel Wi-Fi and half his sanity. (It was flu season, he’d had way too much Ny-Quil.) 

School passes by with little incident, all things considered. A classic Monday, with the only real excitement being an announcement of no school the following Monday for a staff meeting. 

It isn’t until Tony gets home to find both of his parents home and in the same room, waiting for him, that he starts to panic. 

“Is this an intervention?” Tony asks. “Did I do something bad?” 

“Not yet,” Howard says. “Although I wouldn’t be surprised.” 

“Dear,” Maria reprimands. “No, there’s an event that we want you to attend.” 

“Want or need?” Tony asks. “I was supposed to hang out with my friend Bruce to work on his genetics lab.” 

“I’m sure the lab can wait,” Howard scoffs. “You’re in high school, for god’s sake.” 

“Bruce is doing lab work for Culver,” Tony says. “He got early acceptance, so he’s doing a weird deal so he gets college credit and a year off early.” 

“Impressive, dear,” mom says, smiling. “But this event is something that you can’t miss.” 

It’s a goddamn family reunion. Maria’s side, but still. At least Peggy and Sharon would come. 

Family reunions on the Carter/Carbonell side are…interesting. A lot of loud people, aunts that couldn’t stop cooking, and at least one uncle that would say something marginally horrible and cause a rift for at least six hours where everything was tense. 

Sharon had to take this advantage carefully. 

So she got her own email into the family chain of them–a mistake by all accounts, but one that should be committed sooner rather than later–and tells the family that Tony is bringing his girlfriend, Natasha. 

They both love each other, she knows that much. Tony looks at Nat like he could give her anything in the world, and Nat looks at him with so much vulnerability that she always says she doesn’t have. 

They’ve liked each other for a while now. Sharon wishes that it wasn’t at her family reunion that she was doing this, but it was either that or a dance for high school, and that’s far too much work. 

Tony, understandably, is stressed. 

“Does she even know she’s going?!” Tony yells. “Holy shit Sharon, she’s going to meet like eighty of us!” 

“Yeah,” Sharon says. “She just doesn’t know that she’s supposed to be your girlfriend.” 

“Sharon.” 

“Yes?” 

“Run.” 

Sharon squeals as she skids out of the room, Tony chasing after her. He’s not really going to do anything about it, but he still has to text Nat. 

i am. so sorry 

lmao it’s fine. sharon just said i’m going to the reunion. why? 

funny story…

fuck what’d she do 

she emailed everyone that i was bringing you as a girlfriend. and i’m not really going to spend the whole weekend correcting it. 

gotcha. operation: fake dating commence! 

thank you nat. seriously love you 

Nat reads the message, but doesn’t respond. Of course Sharon would pull something like this. She knew that Nat liked her cousin, probably since they were kids. 

And now she had to pretend to be his girlfriend, something she actually wanted very much to do. 

She gets a text from Sharon. 

Please don’t wear your jean jacket with all the patches. It’s very cool, but you will start a fight in my family and win. But then you aren’t allowed to come back :( 

Natasha sends her back the middle finger, but then promises not to bring it.

This brings up the subject; what do you wear to a family reunion? 

- 

Tony’s fidgeting in the car as he goes to pick up Nat. His mother was very surprised. 

“You got your father’s distinct habit of not shutting your mouth,” she says with a chuckle. “But I do suppose the gazes say it all. Every Carbonell man looks like he’s in love before he says it, so–” 

“Mama, not now!” Tony hisses. Natasha’s making her way to the car, backpack slung around her shoulder and an elegant handbag in the crook of her arm. 

“Hey Ms. Carbonell,” Natasha says. “How are you?” 

“Doing good, better now that I get to have you with us,” she teases. “Anthony over here never told me that he was going to have you on as a special guest.” Natasha sends a raised eyebrow over to Tony. 

“Oh?” 

“I forgot,” Tony lied smoothly. “You know how I get in the labs. Just completely forget everything I’m supposed to remember.” 

The conversation is easy after that: just a few little anecdotes that Nat and Tony have gone over last night over the phone. They had confessed that they liked each other a year ago, had kept it extremely low-key since both didn’t want to fuss with it, and that was that. 

“How come Sharon knew but I didn’t?” Mom pouts. 

“She’s an imp,” Tony answers. “An imp who doesn’t know how to keep business to herself.” 

Their family fills up a small inn out of the way, and Tony sighs as he sees three of his aunts already conspiring at the bar. 

“Be prepared for a barrage of questions.” 

“Roger that.” 

Natasha is whisked away by the ladies with a few compliments to the cute flats she’s wearing and her favorite type of perfume. Tony gets led over to Sharon, who is playing darts with Trip and their kind-of-but-not-really-cousin, Ricardo. 

“What have I missed out on?” Trip asks, grinning. “Heard some girl was crazy enough to come and date you. She’s a looker, Tony.” 

“Thanks,” Tony says. “But yes, crazy enough to date me. Sharon knows how crazy it is, I practically get the same gene from her.” 

Sharon rolls her eyes, landing another bullseye. Ricardo curses. 

“How do you always manage to do this?” 

“Practice for this exact moment,” Sharon says with a grin. “Go get me a drink. One of the good ones.” 

“You seriously get him to do your bidding every single time,” Tony says with a laugh. Trip excuses him to see Uncle Erik, leaving Sharon and Tony alone. 

“So. You liking your new status of boyfriend?” 

“You seriously need to stop meddling,” Tony scowls. “Just because I like her doesn’t mean she should be in on this.” 

“She doesn’t mind,” Sharon scoffs. “Besides, I think Aunt Angie is going to tell her about the cardboard incident.” 

“Oh my god–” 

Natasha saunters over, grinning devilishly. 

“So. Naked and a cardboard box for modesty? Why am I not surprised at the innovation, Tony?” 

“Dammit,” Tony swears. “I’m going to learn something embarrassing about you. I’ll ask Clint.” 

“Like he’ll tell.” 

The reunion goes about as well as expected. Uncle Daniel finally spills the beans and says that his son who couldn’t make it was going to bring his girlfriend that no one likes, but they canceled at the last minute. 

“They’re horrible,” Tony says. “I’m serious. They’re the kind of people that take advantage of old people.” 

“Gross.” 

They gravitate closer to each other. While Natasha doesn’t have a problem with this, it’s bittersweet. Every time Tony casually puts his arm around her and tells another story about how they snuck into the office to match schedules and his family coos and says it’s so cute, and Sharon smiles at them. 

It stings, to be this close and yet knowing that it isn’t at all real. 

Tony lies awake at night. Becuase this is nice. All of his family loves Nat, so does he, and it seems…possible almost. To have her this close, smiling at him like she has. 

So it’s not a good idea, but he goes to her room at three a.m. She’s still awake. 

“Why are you still awake?” 

“Watching funny videos. Why are you awake?” 

“That’s why I’m here. Follow me.” 

They go into the courtyard. It feels…nice outside. Tony’s wringing his hands. 

“What’s got you so nervous?” Natasha asks. “And why at three in the morning?” 

“I think this is literally the only way I could do it,” Tony says. “Only time my family shuts up.” 

“Go for it then,” Natasha says. “You have until four, when your baby cousin wakes up. Lorenzo?” 

“Got it,” Tony says, smiling. “Um, well, I–” 

“What?” 

“Oh fuck,” Tony curses. “Listen, I’m just going to say it. I’m just going to say it.” 

“You’ve said that twice.” 

“Iloveyou.” 

“What?” 

“I…I love you,” Tony says, sighing. “I’ve loved you I think since eighth grade, and I’m now telling you because I don’t think I can just go on with life without telling you. I also realize that you’re stuck at the family reunion until this is over, so now I realize I’ve put stress on you and I’m sorry, I can fake my death if you really want me to, so–” 

Natasha envelops him in a hug. She kisses his cheek, looking at him in the dim light of the lanterns. 

“You absolute fool. I love you too.” 

It’s the first of many “I love you’s.” 

Sharon takes credit for the relationship, and Tony and Nat let her. She’s also the maid of honor and meets her future wife, Maria. 

Tony and Natasha don’t go to the same college, but compete against each other in the trivia clubs that both schools have, and so they spend other time together. Natasha shows him her favorite tea shop downtown, and Tony shows her all of the hideaway spots he uses for studies. 

(And to hide her away from Rhodey, who will tell her anything and everything that’s embarrassing about Tony.) 

Right after college, Tony and Nat move into an apartment. 

About a year later, Natasha holds out a gold ring for him to put on, asks if they really have to get married in a fancy church, and watches as Tony tears up and hugs her. 

“I told you!” Sharon crows when they reveal the rings. “I told you that you would get married!” 

“Okay loser,” Natasha says. “Then you’re the maid-of-honor. Congrats on throwing my bachelorette party.” 

“I’m making us go paint-balling.” 

Tony rolls his eyes, but looks at his now-fiancee. 

Things will be good. Aren’t they always? 

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Date: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 Time: 11:56 pm

I’m curious. Does anyone look forward to reading my letters? -calls out- “Anyone?” -dead silence emits so deafening, I stop talking-

So.. I was reading letters I have sent you. And, shit. The people who take the time to read these letters must think I am selfish.

All I talk about are men, my attraction to men, my desire to have a girlfriend, or whatever.

Which, if y'all know me, you KNOW, I’m going to get back to it.

But for a short bit, let’s talk about things that aren’t guys or girls.

Here are a number of facts about me you, Charlie, and other people reading this may not know about…

I’m very unsatisfied with my weight. I weigh about 195 pounds, and am working to drop to 120 pounds. I don’t feel attractive in my skin. I can’t see my vag anymore.

I haven’t orgasmed ever. I am 24 fucking years old. Why the fuck haven’t I cum yet? God..

Happier topics, Mare. Okay. There is this app I use called SLOWLY, where you create a username, and bio about yourself. You can start sending letters to people across the world. I’ve had letters coming in from China, India especially, the U.K., Australia, Taiwan, Russia, Portugal, tip of Africa. So many letters. And, you do get standard. ‘Yo baby. Send me nudes.’ This one guy got clever and asked me for nudes in Morse Code. I kindly sent him back to go fuck himself. The only person who gets to see my beautiful breasts is me, and the barren vag, cause I swear to myself, I never ever see Nic. (<– Sorry. No talk of guys for the next few paragraphs). The issue is.. like, there is an option where you can send three letters at a time. With an intro letter. One night, I thought it would he fun (WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.) to send 15 letters. (Keep in mind about 4 of the many letters I have sent, do I keep up a regular correspondence with. So, add 15 potential regular friends, and you have a recipe for disaster). Omgosh, Charlie + readers: I never have time to respond to these letters. Damnit, me. Why the fuck did you do that?

Okay. I started a new job. Yeah. You heard right. The ever so fucking afflicted depressed, intoroverted, frustrated, book crazy, bisexual who cant hold down a job, found a new one. Through a temp agency. I work with ______ _____ ____, at _____ _____, which is just 10 minutes from my house. The job is way better than the piece of shit I put up with for 6 mths. I love the different calls we get. But the mother fucking training at this call centre was mother flipping shit. There are so many 'processes’ you have to remember when helping a 'guest’ with a request that I want to cry. (I hope I keep at the job). Please fucking pray for me.

Did you know I didn’t always used to curse the way I do? Throughout high school, I would only curse when I would get hurt (like for example that time an anvil crushed my toe. Lol. This totally didnt happen. Though, this one time. I cut myself on this chunk of thick glass from a broken lamp at 12 urs old, that I was taking to the dumpster. It sliced my thigh, blood was gushing out I imagine. I started screaming. My mom, uncle, and cousin freaked the fuck out. I obviously lived to tell the tale. Y'all should see the scar.) And then I was influenced by boys (since I only hung out with guys through the last two years of high school) to curse. And now, I can’t seem to stop.

I make weird posts on Whisper. My username is ______ For anyone who wants to chat with me about my crazy life, follow me on ____ at @_______. Lol. (I hope y'all know when I include the blanks I’m being funny).

What other facts to share.. I made a friend on Slowly, but work really got me busy, plus I am always freaking tired. I didn’t respond for nine days with a letter, and I noticed she deactivated her account. It really hurt. Her name was Becca. She was trans, but didn’t tell her crazy conservative family. 19, super sweet. Liked video games and Eminem for a bit. I seriously miss her.

Other facts.. Did I mention (no, of course you didn’t mention Mare. All you ever talk about are failed relationships, current relationships, or almost relationships), I’m looking to learn Italian AND Spanish? Of course! Why the hell wouldn’t I try to influence my American self with my Mexican self? (Totally Hispanic in case y'all cohldn’t guess. My mom says I speak Spanish like a white girl. Well, shit… Time to go to Mexico and get ridiculed for being too white and not knowing Spanish or customs) Joking aside, I’m looking forward to teaching myself Spanish and Italian. (Don’t tell the family, but I prefer Italy over Mexico).

Y'all ready to get to the real reason why y'all stick through my letters?

Nic doesn’t want me to explore my bi side. Ken hasn’t been on Skype for a month. I miss him.. (Great, conflicted Mary is back again). Did I mention that today is my 3rd year anniversary with the Nicholas? Totally is. What did we do to celebrate? I woke up at 5 in the morning, waited for him to show up at 6, and ate tacos in my apartment parking lot. Then, I went to work, and he went home to sleep. We are going to Bastrop for the weekend which is just 20 minutes from my grandparents. Maybe I should go visit. (Why the hell don’t I call my family? Am I really that fucking self absorbed? Family trumps dudes any fucking day..) and I hope the trip is nice. I just texted him like 45 min ago of us drifting apart. Because… he will talk about things that seriously, Charlie, I could give two fucks about, then we will talk about ice cream, for example, and he goes off on a tangent about something little do with ice cream. Sometimes, I feel like I guilty stay with him because I do fucking love him, but I could be holding myself back from experiencing new things.

I want to write more. Bare with me for a moment, Charlie. Okay, I’m back. (That was a second break, in real time in case y'all were wondering)

My thoughts aren’t flowing as well. I wish I knew a friend who was bi or a lesbian who would like to explore with me. And not have it change things.

So, I have a shit sleep schedule. I’ll come home at 5 ish in the evening. I’ll sit in traffic for twenty min. Come home. Eat something. Fall asleep by 7. Wake up at 10, and stay awak indefinitely. Then wake up at 6, and start over. (What is wrong with me?)

Oh. More breaks from relationship shit. I saw a therapist. Three visits. It was nice. His name is Tim. (Had to stop because I literally have no fucking time to see a dr anymore psychologist or medical, because my schedule is a fucking bitch). He graduated from Harvard! That is awesome. His attire was well groomed, always. I never told him he intimidated me because of that. But he was a nice guy. Time to go to psychologytoday.com to look for weekend available therapists who take my insurance. I hope if I am to become a psychologist, that I’m a tiny better than Tim. He was lovely, I was just unnerved by someone focusing such time on me. But, that is kind of what he is paid for? So….

Oh. Have I mentioned at all to you, Charlie about how I want to start a YouTube channel? I want to read stories I find on the internet. Annnd, I’m pretty excited. I get my mic maybe with next weeks paycheck.

I feel like there is more to add. For anyone you may have lost touch with over the years, Charlie, does the thought of that person and the memories you shared together ever make you cry? I found a CD an old friend left to me for my birthday. And it broke my heart that we aren’t close anymore. I feel like I .. let my true relationships go in my worst state of mind.. And, I miss her so much. It really really hurts. I’m crying just thinking about it.

Also, I’m not sure if I mentioned, there are rare cases where I will laugh so hard at something I found to be funny, that I make others worried or uncomfortable. But the laughter turns to sobbing (sobbing such as my mom dying, or my brother getting hit by a car, or someone killing me) just as severe. I tried asking like crazy, and no one seems to know. That is, until a month ago, a friend from the meetings I go to (please tell me I’m not so vapid that I forgot to tell you I go to Monday meetings with DBSA for my depression) showed me what I have.. which I forgot the name of. But it is a treatable condition. Something to do with sensitivity.

I can’t hear well out of my right ear. I need to see a doctor.

Thanks to those who stayed with me this far.

I hope to have more news on my relationship status.

I seriously have like two friends on Tumblr. Why do I use this app again?

I love you, Charlie

Always,

Mary