#I relate a lot to Merlin with their memory issues in this game

[changeling-droneco]

I hate that I’m getting emotional over a stupid gacha game over a scene where all of the main characters friends affirm their friendship and that even with the fact the main character has very bad recurring memory issues, they still treasure them and care for them and value them

[thekingdomheartsprincess]

when kairi died part of me felt relieved

very long rant filled with run-on sentences, over-use of bold words, and over-use of italics. you’ve been warned

I’ve been holding off on my full review and thoughts on kh3 until after I get through my second playthrough. I will say, it was an overall great game and I was pleasantly surprised by a lot. I have my issues, but I’d like to hold off until I’m finished with my regular paced play through (not speedplay) before I write all my thoughts. However, one thing I really have to get out now is how absolutely disappointed and disgusted I am by kairi’s entire existence in kh3.

And just an fyi, I set the bar low going into this for her. I wasn’t expecting much, yet somehow, I was still let down harder than I thought was actually possible.To me, the highlight of kairi’s appearance in kh3 was probably going to be because she was training with axel. Therefore, with the reasoning that axel usually gets excessive screen time---you know, the guy that should have fake died twice before his actual fake death (which I’m not complaining about, just saying)...kairi would have by default gotten some of that extra relevance right??

Wrong... in a stunning turn of events they actually left axel to the side as well. He got a few good lines in, but at the end of the day he barely fights, does anything important, and somehow has his keyblade destroyed by xemnas in his first real battle with it. I’ll get back more to the truly ridiculous lack of keyblade skills later. While I’m still on the topic of axel though, let’s talk about kairi’s use as a tool to figure out axel’s feelings and xion. Like, no problems with the whole kidnapping thing, no deep connection making. Did a lot of us expect and fear that kairi would be used as a plot device for axel’s xion memories? Yes. Does it make it any better that we were prepared for it going into kh3? For me, yeah, but the real problem is it doesn’t stop there. And axel’s feelings and memories of xion were poorly included and barely mattered anyhow

Also the whole letter writing thing axel comments on, a sad excuse for not wanting to actually provide sokai interaction. “They’re more for herself”-bullshit tbh. Someone tell square enix that if they make me play another game where my girlfriend writes me letters and I can’t respond I’m gonna lose it. *cough ffxv cough* It was a sad excuse for trying to build up sokai before end game. Plus, bad writing aside, if my girl kairi is gonna be a romantic plot device forever; you could at least let her send sora those stupid letters. The poor girl is talking to him in her head. WHY

So much opportunity here to build up sokai before the end of the game. And you know what? I don’t really care about sokai anymore, or whether its canon, or if they have any moments at all in the game. But it you are going to use it as a plot device, you could at least put some effort into it. Sokai needs to be better if it is going to have such a huge direct impact on the ending of the game. Maybe this was difficult, because this really wasn’t the game for it. Everyone has a lot going on in this game, and for sora, his focus is really on getting the people connected to his heart back. He barely even talks about riku in the game! Which is completely justified, because the boy has a lot of stress on his shoulders and a lot going on. The sokai getting thrown in basically at the last minute of the game, is like white noise in the background...that shouldn’t have been there.

The paopu fruit scene felt uncomfortable and thrown in at the wrong moment. There was opportunity for this scene at the end of kh2, or before sora left the island again for 3d. Or if some effort was put into developing sokai throughout the game (which again, I don’t think this was the game for this) it could have worked. Instead, we got a scene which really wasn’t romantic in the slightest, and pretty much had “somebody or both of them is dying/being separated tomorrow” written all over it. The scene starts out of nowhere basically, riku is quite literally shoved to the side to talk to himself, kairi sort of dismisses romantic intentions when asking sora to share it with her, and sora sort of just nods his head and rolls with it. The best part, is the imagery relating to the drawings in the cave (which is admittedly beautiful). However, this is not the sokai paopu fruit scene 7 yr old me envisioned. While I certainly don’t expect to get what I wanted to see, this is almost an insult to all of the build up to this moment in previous games.

What would have been the only wonderful and meaningful sokai scene in the game, is the one where kairi is able to help sora basically escape death and light his way through the darkness or whatever. The whole “I’m going to keep you safe now” and “you make me feel stronger” thing is really sweet as an out of context scene if I knew nothing else about kh3. The problem is, this isn’t really true. Kairi doesn’t keep sora safe, and the limits of her strength seem to be in that one cutscene. Not to mention, this already happened. We literally saw this same thing happen in kh1-and it was a better scene.

Maybe I could believe kairi’s determination behind her words if she was able to even lift her keyblade when she’s being attacked, or put up a fight against her kidnapper (i mean come on, even belle got to elbow xaldin), or finish a battle against someone who was not an alternate version of herself (or remotely believably on xehanort’s side for more than a second). Seriously, she did more with her keyblade knocking out a few heartless in kh2. That scene was actually cooler. I am truly disgusted that I have to even think that. It’s not that I thought she would go up from kh2, but I surely didn’t think she would go soooooo far down. 

They totally shot themselves in the foot with the whole merlin’s magic excuse. Axel and kairi show up as if they just got the keyblade 20 seconds before the keyblade war, yet supposedly they had unlimited time to train. Maybe we’ll get some bs excuse on how it “wasn’t exactly unlimited time” later, but seriously? If you were going to have both of them fail so miserably, you could have used the short training time as an excuse!! Why would you write yourself out of that excuse, just to give me these pathetic jokes of keyblade wielders. By all logical reasoning, if they had unlimited time to train, they should have both shown up stronger that xehanort and eraqus combined. Like did they just settle after they could shoot magic at x number of moving objects in merlin’s training facility???

She may not have done much, but by the time we saw her get mercilessly stabbed for no real logical reason I was relieved. Relieved that I might finally not have to watch this anymore, and can just go into all future kh games without having to worry about what they will do with her character. I want to say I was pissed, upset even, that they killed her off like that. Confused as to how this helps xehanort’s plan? Absolutely. I mean, wouldn’t that ruin his 7 princesses part 2 backup plan if he needed it? Wouldn’t the last key form as soon as he killed kairi? Were the 7 lights going to stop fighting him there? Was he just being a cruel dick? I don’t have the answers. But I will say that I didn’t actually get angry, until xehanort stole her fucking lines. “One sky, one destiny” She doesn’t even have that anymore. The significance of those lines, now can’t just be kairi’s but has to be shared with the man who killed her. Could it get any worse? Yes! Because sora has to go and do some strongly hinted form of self sacrifice for her again. Turning the shit show writing of kairi into probably the most detrimental part of the story. 

Now, its playing such a huge role in kh3 and future kh games. It makes the major plot point of the ending of the game suffer. There’s no kairi for me to appreciate that would make me care about her dying, the one really good moment sora shares with kairi is hardly based in reality, and what’s supposed to be used as a way for sora to prove himself doesn’t really do that. He already sacrificed himself for kairi. What more is this proving? And with no excuse for kairi’s lack of training or presence in the game, I’m confused as to how this happened or why I’m supposed to care. However Nomura needed this to end up to set up future kh games, was this really the only way to do it? 

I wish I could say I just personally cared this much about feminism in kingdom hearts, and that’s why I’m so disappointed by this complete and utter failure of writing a character, but that’s not even it. When I was little I loved kairi because she was like a new disney princess in a video game, and I was heartbroken when sora told her she couldn’t come with him for the rest of his adventure. That she would just “get in his way.” 23 year old me is still pissed and not letting go. Even more frustrating, is that square enix has (deliberately or not) ignored a large part of the fandom who just asked for a little bit better. The kairi bar was low, and square enix did the limbo rock under it. (bad joke i know, it’s 2:30 am and i should be sleeping)

I’ll shut up now, but be aware i’m screaming “and another thing about kairi in kh3!” every hour on the hour in my mind

[buriedundertherainbow-blog]

DIVINE GATE, TELL ME WHAT DID LOKI DO TO YOU TO LOOK LIKE THIS?! (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

   Before we start, let me say this: “I AM A TRUE MASOCHIST”, so don’t blame for whatever happens from now on for it ain’t worth it. 三⊂( っ⌒◡| Some time ago, week or two to be more precise, I have set myself on an impossible anime challenge. Maybe it’s not as tedious as rolling that goddamn rock up the hill, but still will consume a lot of my time and energy. Ekchem, anyways… I have decided to watch each, and every anime produced since Winter Season 2015/2016 till now and review them all, oh boi! ゞ◎Д◎ヾ

   First up for the task is Divine Gate, which I thankfully, bless my stupid ideas, watched at work while no one was paying attention. (̿▀̿ ̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ ̿)̄ The creation of Studio Pierrot, which has some quite big fishes swimming in their garden pond, such as Bleach, Naruto or Tokyo Ghoul as well as one of my all time favourites Greatoooh Teacheruu Onizuka!!!! (┌ﾟдﾟ)┌ (┌ﾟдﾟ)┌ (┌ﾟдﾟ)┌ (┌ﾟдﾟ)┌ has decided to make an anime out of a game, and as I have previously discussed while reviewing Caligula it is never easy. Once again, I did not play the game and I’m pretty sure that after watching this anime I don’t feel like playing it even more. （◎ー◎；）

T H E  P L O T 【 TV 】    -o(.￣  )

   Hmm… (ʃ⌣́,⌣́ƪ) What is the actual point that this story? I have absolutely no f**king clue. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Zero, empty, brain dead, error, you name it. It generally resolves around the idea that there is some miraculous entity or object known as Divine Gate and that only those, at least according to one annoying little twat in XVIII century grade school uniform, who have suffered great despair have right to attain it. The Gate is supposed to give its’ conqueror an immense power and right to shape the reality according to their whim. (p〒д〒q) While, all that sounds sweet and sugar, it’s pretty much bullshitu.

   The story, I presume, was supposed to keep the viewers at the edges of their seats watching the main characters struggle with unjust and cruel word, until finally while standing just ONE TINY STEP away from fulfilling their desires, to see the— ┏( ゜)ਊ゜)┛Unfortunately, the delivery was as flat as Krul Tepes’s chest. F**ck, now my eyes are bleeding, halp. ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`) Hence, not only the final moral, which is probably something like “no one has right to shape other people’s life for them”, doesn’t land, but also half of the story itself makes no sense in correspondence to it.

   Sigh. On top of all that, those who have the right to seek the gate, known as “Adapters” have developed superhuman abilities (supposedly at birth, but it doesn’t look to be the case with Aoto, or I am an idiot ∑（｡･Д･｡）??? – both could be true) and although they can use them without any device, but at the same time, they need objects called “Drivers” in other to shape them. …..φ(〃∇〃 ))) And when I say they can use their powers without a device, I am pretty much referring to Aoto, because if I understood correctly freaking GODS are USELESS without it. 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸 Can someone please explain what the funk is happening here?! Even Mortal Kombat makes more sense than this show.

T H E  C H A R A C T E R S 【 TV 】    -o(.￣  )

   I am one of those fangirls, that always find their own favourite character in each series, welp guess what? Not today Satan, not today. (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ The characters were flat, one dimensional and pretty much boring from tip of their heads to their toes. In Divine Gate we follow three main teenage characters, what were their names again? Σ(‘◉⌓◉’) Well, I only remember Aoto. There was also this “overly moral oblivious kid” and “spoiled female character whose biggest issue was that one friend who left her”, so let’s just skip them! ヽ( ˘ω˘ )ゝ

   I will admit, however, that I quite enjoyed the toxic relationship and interactions between two brothers, Aoto and hmmm… ( *´罒`* ) His name sounded similar, hmm... (*≧▽≦) Whatever, let’s call him “emo Aoto”! Anyways, the tension between two brothers, with one being overprotective to the point that he’s willing to sacrifice almost everything to protect his ototo without noticing how harmful that is to his secreted little brother and another becoming emo and twisted to the point that he believes death to be their only salvation, is slightly fascinating. Although, both are somewhat extreme in their own characteristics, at least something was finally happening! Щ(･｀ω´･Щ)

    As a desert in this meaningless dinner we have almighty and famous Knights of Round, but round what? Eyeball, planet, ass maybe?! （ ಠωಠ） Let me name them all first before we go, hmmm… I don’t know, nope, neither… ( ﾟｰﾟ) Something is coming to me, but nope, still nothing. The old guy is a butler, right? Who is that chick? Hi there, nameless lady. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Wanna have a drink with me? I’m pretty sure he was called... Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑) Still nothing. Is this guy mafia? OH, LANCELOT! ✧٩(ˊωˋ*)و✧ Okay fine, I admit I knew Gawain and Mordred as well, but the point which I was trying to make, was that most of the characters are easy to forget and made no contribution to the series WHAT-SO-EVER. I know, I know, that they were supposed to be a background and reasoning behind Arthur’s choice, but couldn’t it be made more like this:

   I’m sure their deaths will contribute as much to the story anyways, so just turn them in dots and kill with one Madara blow and secondary characters can still mourn their loss. ¯\(◉‿◉)/¯

T H E  R E F E R E N C E S 【 TV 】    -o(.￣  )

   Finally, we have reached my main point of this God-forbit-lengthy essay, which are references to characters of Mythology and literature. We have infamous Knights of Round, ‎(ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻ please lemme give you a table to fix this shittu, as well as Nordic Gods with Loki up the front and a Dragon, but what for? ¯\_(⊙︿⊙)_/¯

   I have nothing against using elements of culture, history or literature in anime, for instance look at Bungou Stray Dogs, that one is priceless, but Divine Gate… Kill me, please.八(＾□＾*) Leave alone the fact, that Merlin and other Arthurian Legends related movies are my blessed childhood memories and I am big fan of latest creation of this sort, namely Legend of the Sword, but FFS STOP FORGETTING THE GODDAMN TABLE, WITHOUT IT MAKES NO SENSE! IT COULD BE KINGTHS OF ROUND BOOBS, FOR ALL THAT I CARE!! ( • )( • )ԅ(‾⌣‾ԅ) AND I’M LINGUIST, DAMNIT, THIS MISTAKE HURTS ME ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL!! (╬ﾟ◥益◤ﾟ) [deep breathing] But did you also have to make “that” out of my beautiful Loki?!!

S C O R E S 【 TV 】    -o(.￣  )

ART: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

PLOT: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

CHARACTERS: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

SOUNDTRACKT: ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

GENRE REALISATION: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

TOTAL POINTS: ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

F I N A L  T H O U G H T S 【 TV 】    -o(.￣  )

    Pardon, my loss of temper in previous paragraph. Thankfully, I am all calm and collected now. However, I must say that watching this anime at work was the greatest idea I have ever had. Why, you might wonder. Because otherwise I would have regretted wasting my free time on this piece of shi—. (;ﾞ°´ω°´) To sum it all up, the references were used poorly and painfully, plot made little sense and the characters were either flat or completely useless, hence came my score of only 3/10 stars. How low you have fallen Loki, how low… ｡･ﾟヾ(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡

Thanks for reading! ｍ（｡≧ _ ≦｡）ｍ

[ask-readyplayergaymers]

((So on top of this blog you've got like, 2 other AU askblogs too (and they're both amazing), so I was wondering, how many AUs do you have? For like. All of your fandoms? I'm very curious uwu))

((UHHHMMM LMAOOO

Honestly probably way too many to count but uh. Let’s see if I can remember them all

Be More ChillThis AU, of course!

My Life Tickets AU where Michael hands in a ticket in exchange for living for another day,

Cyber AU where Michael is Jeremy’s squip and manifests in any technology near him (mostly his cellphone),

Timeloop AU where Jeremy relives the night of the fire over and over as he attempts to help his friends escape the house without dying,

Pirate AU (I HONESTLY DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THIS CAME ABOUT BUT APPARENTLY IT’S MINE NOW?? IDK) where Michael is the captain of an awesome crew of pirates who kidnaps Jeremy, a young noble, and the two fall in love as they sail the seas and look for treasure and all that stuff lol,

Peculiar Steampunk AU based off of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children where all the kids live together under the squip’s protection with their own unique set of abilities, also set during a Steampunk sort of era. So Michael has powers over plants, Jeremy’s wicked awesome with electricity (and also has a prosthetic leg after an accident with some people hunting them), etc.

I put the rest under the cut to save space because there really is a lot whoops

Also if you want to know more about any of these AUs? Just send an ask and I can give you links to more thorough descriptions for each of them!))

Mother 3/EarthboundAsktwinheroesoftazmily: My first ever blog on tumblr, it’s a post-game AU where Lucas and Claus are living together in peace :’)

Reform/Hero AU: Lucas is part of the Pigmask Reform group which repairs damage done by the Pigmask Army, he’s assigned to Tazmily and meets Claus there, who has a personal vendetta against anything Pigmask and a huge secret revolving around the downfall of the army

Friends AU: Lucas befriends the commander and the two of them run away from the army together and attempt to pull the remainder of the Needles before the army can recapture Commander

2p AU: Lucas and Claus’ personalities take a complete 180! Lucas becomes an asshole and Claus is just insane lol (also they’re colored differently of course, Luke’s got red hair and Claus is blonde)

Sorcerer AU: Claus is a sorcerer living secluded in the woods, one day he finds Lucas covered in blood and having no memory of who he once was.

I actually have a LOT more AUs for Mother 3 but these are the only ones I’ve formally introduced so far haha, but yeah there’s also the Crazy Town AU, the Kingdom AU, and the Hospital AU to name a few

Big Hero 6Inari: Hiro is a superhero known as Inari, he runs into Tadashi one day after a skirmish with Yama and eventually Tadashi comes to discover his identity so they split the name and become crime fighting heroes together! Hiro’s 19 in this AU and attending SFIT, he’s not related to Tadashi and therefore his only friend is human!Baymax (who is a healthcare major, go figure), and then he befriends Dashi and the rest of the crew!

PokemonPokemon Legends: My very special very amazing and wonderful hack!! It’s about a girl named Aqua, her next door neighbor Magma and her caretaker Drake, as they all come to discover the secrets of their past and their connections to each other involving some of the legendary Pokemon.

Later on we get the counterparts of Green (Jade), Red (Crimson), Blue (Turquoise), Silver (Cobalt) and Gold (Aurum) that remain with them for the rest of the arcs!

Arc two is about the relationship between Jade and Crimson and how their rivalry nearly tore it apart. But then they make up and it’s very gay. Also we get the legendary birds involved and Mewtwo behind the scenes, pulling some strings.

Arc three is about Aurum, who’s been taken by Lugia to the depths of the sea, and Cobalt’s valiant rescue attempt along with the rest of the crew! He makes bonds with Ho-Oh in order to save Aurum and tells Aqua about his history with Team Rocket and how Aurum saved him.

Arc four is about the Distortion World (also a bizarre version of the land of the dead), and Aqua and some of the others are trapped there. While there they encounter other “them’s” from other timelines where they died, so they run into a blind Cobalt who was killed by Lugia, a burned Aurum who was overwhelmed by Ho-Oh, Jade, whose arm was cut off and killed by Crimson due to him being possessed psychically by Mewtwo, and Drake who was killed by Groudon in an attempt to make peace in one of the timelines. Yeah, it’s pretty dark compared to the other three arcs lol

SenyuuShadows Are Darker in the Light: Ahh yes my infamous Senyuu fic, it’s a high school AU that’s very dark and sad, the ending is bittersweet. Basically it’s a unrequited love sort of thing where Ros moves away without a word and Alba’s left to deal with the aftermath.

FNAF AU: YEAH I MADE AN FNAF AU it’s loosely based off of the plot but. Seven years ago Alba was murdered at a restaurant/arcade place, his body was never found and neither was the murderer. Years later Ros, who was present at the time of the murder, is still looking into what happened to the person he loved the most, and decides to start working at the restaurant in order to get access to files he wouldn’t be able to see otherwise. But his first day on the job he runs into the ghost of Alba, who has been trapped there for years and cannot move on unless he is brought to justice. It’s really sad but really heartfelt and fun at times, too :’)

Letters into Paper Airplanes: I can’t give too much away about this one, but basically Alba receives letters from Ros every week, having never met him in person before. He falls in love with Ros over the course of a year of getting the letters, but there’s a huge secret behind them that he finds out later which is absolutely devastating. It has a happy ending though, I swear!!

SonicRoomies AU: In which Shadow is a human and crashes with Chris after Sonic returns to his world and the two of them grow up and get into tons of shenanigans together :’) Shadow basically has to deal with Chris’ teenage rebellious phase, it’s pretty hilariousIn the end though they get together after the whole mess with the Metarex, and they return to Chris’ world since Shadow belonged there from the start

Mystic Messengerask-saeran-and-saeyoung: My Mystic Messenger ask blog, hey-o! It’s not too much different from the canon plot after Seven’s route ends, except that Seven isn’t dating MC. He lives with Saeran and the two of them have all sorts of fun together while Saeran adapts to being out of Mint Eye at last

VoltronSimulator AU: I sure do love this one…so basically it’s set in the future as a canon divergence to season 2, Keith was horribly injured during the final fight with Zarkon and was sent out into space in an escape pod and trapped inside a simulator that Pidge and Lance created. Inside the sim Keith is tricked into believing that he’s back on earth with an AI Lance watching over him. Of course he does end up discovering the truth eventually but he learns to forgive and falls in love with AI!Lance and they start a relationship together once Lance is granted with a physical body outside of the sim ;D

Kingdom HeartsEclipse Kingdom AU: Sora is the prince of light, Riku the prince of darkness—they’re forbidden from interacting with each other but lol Riku ends up falling in love with Sora, who does in return, and then they start having rendezvous on the border of their kingdoms. Eventually Riku discovers he’s engaged to Namine, so he and Sora decide to run away together to Destiny Islands to escape the marriage. Namine, Axel and Kairi go off in search of them and encounter Roxas, and they all team up to find the princes and bring them home. A lot of other stuff happens but that’s the gist of it!!

Swapped AU: Sora and Riku get swapped with their younger selves, so Riku’s stuck with a younger Sora going on about Kairi and Sora’s stuck with a younger Riku being all edgy and moody and shit lol;; the older counterparts make the younger ones realize they’re hella gay for each other and it’s a fun time

Hanahaki Disease AU: Riku has Hanahaki Disease and is faced with either getting it surgically removed, therefore erasing his feelings for Sora and completely destroying their current relationship, or admitting his feelings to Sora with the chance of them being not returned and the disease killing him as a result. Yeah. Yikes.

KingsmanFamily Coping AU (hell idk I just came up with that title just now lol): An AU ending to the second movie so SPOILERS AHEAD okay?! If you haven’t seen it yet please stop reading. Anyway. In this AU Roxy and Merlin live, but Princess Tilde dies. Eggsy has a hard time dealing with her death and the guilt he feels for not saving her in time, but Harry, Merlin and Roxy help a lot with that. They all move in together in a big house and get up to tons of shenanigans both at work and at home, and Harry and Eggsy especially help each other through their issues (guilt, butterfly visions, all that).

Adopted AU: HARRY ADOPTS A YOUNG EGGSY AND IT’S THE BEST GODDAMN THING EVER. Harry has to balance being a super spy and taking care of a seven-year old kid at the same time with Merlin constantly poking fun at him and Eggsy getting into mountains of trouble at Kingsman HQ whenever he brings them there. Then we get into fun things like kidnapping for ransom, Harry having panic attacks over said kidnapping and then him and Merlin charging in like fucking badasses to save his (their, Merlin totally gets attached too) son.

My Babysitter’s A VampireGrim Reaper AU: After finding out that Ethan’s fated to die, Benny makes a deal with a Grim Reaper to trade his life for Ethan’s, becoming a Grim Reaper in the process. Between his new job in the underworld and sneaking back to White Chapel to see Ethan, all sorts of crazy things happen!

AND PHEWWW I THINK THAT’S IT!! At least those are the ones that I’ve actually talked about and introduced before, I’m sure I have a lot more I’ve either forgotten about or haven’t had the chance to show yet, so yeah :’) I have way too many AUs lol but they’re all so dear to me and so much fun to talk about so!! Hmu with that good content we can chat about all of these any day, I’m down //high fives you

[misericordikay43]

Ooc: Troy Retrospective

The really difficult thing for me personally is that Kay is not very well-spoken, especially when it comes to how she is feeling. Even here in what is supposed to be a sort of diary for her, she can’t really be honest with herself because saying the words feels too much like defeat. I guess 20 something years of repression doesn’t die easy.

I for one would like to say I’m sorry that both of us think everything is a trap when sometimes it’s just a LARP thing. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. But I was in too deep to know how to play it off.

She’s really hurt about the whole Troy thing.

There was a lot going on and I didn’t have the option to sort of phase Kay out and phase Deimos in because I don’t feel like I have a very good grasp on the twins. I don’t know what it is about them, but they’re really hard to nail down. Somewhere between an out of body experience and a vampire and that scary kind of angry where you feel like someone else is in control. Like they’re just detached and occasionally bloodthirsty and mostly bored. But I think they share the sort of utter horror with the fallout that Kay does- the falling and the screaming and the blood on the ground when the dust settles.

The sacrifice circles were sort of hard. See, Kay had a fight with Lysander before everything happened and decided she wasn’t going to help anymore, so she was out. But then it became something that she genuinely couldn’t participate in and it became a problem. Like she actually doesn’t have any close relationships, the closest thing she really had was Nimue and that’s a trash fire at this point. Then there was blood but Merlin did that- easy. She could give up being remembered but honestly, people barely remember her anyways and mostly they hate her- but the Norse people sort of liked her and she was hesitant to give up the one time anyone has ever liked her. And Sparta. I was like “well we’re out” for the happy memory but as soon as I did Kay was like “no, but I’ve only got one so screw that” and she told me what it was (”the first time I ran away. It was cold and I had no food and nothing to my name or anywhere to go, and there were animals, but laying there in the dirt, looking at the stars in the quiet? Everything.” But then Maddy stepped up. She likes Maddy. Maddy is friendly and non-threatening and she doesn’t make her feel bad about who she is and how much she hates being an eternal. She wants Maddy to keep her happy memories. And if she’s sad she wants to help. Which is why she was like “you... make... me happy. So. there’s that.” which was the Kay version of going “hey, I like you, and I’m sorry you lost your happy memory but you mean a lot to me and I’m willing to admit I have a feeling in order to deal with that.” And then there was the cycle thing which was fine but the willingness of everyone to throw themselves in when you only need one honestly just drives her crazy. It’s a waste of resources.

Kay has a few rules that have come out of her time in foster care. Let me start by saying that foster care is a terrible place and the more research I do the more I absolutely hate it. The abuse, neglect, despair, drug use, health issues, trafficking, and other horrors that kids are exposed to is insane. But out of these things, she’s developed a sense of caution towards strangers and a need to know how to leave situations, and a willingness to hit people. One thing that has come out of this is a “gather all information” mindset and a belief that all information related to group safety should be available to everyone. Hence the “I’m not helping” but also the “the heroes are up to something” PSA.

We’re a little hurt. Kay was thinking about Agustin and Ro and Lysander and how much everyone cared about them and how worried they were when they were gone and it... she knows that if she was gone no one would care. No one would really even notice. She has no friends, no job, no family. No stray cats. She’d just fade away. And it sucks but it also makes her expendable- she’s got nothing to lose. So she has options other people don’t and that makes her powerful but also it just sucks. She wants people to care. She doesn’t want to be bleeding out on the floor like poor Nimue and have like, Merlin freaking out because of obligation and everyone just sort of awkwardly standing there not feeling sure if they should do something. She also really doesn’t want Nimue to die. She doesn’t love him right now, but she doesn’t want him to die. She really cares about him and wants to work it out somehow but she can’t if he’s dead. Good news for him I guess since she’ll probably do just about anything to keep him alive for now.

Um... talking to Ro was hard because we had to play “what do you like about yourself” and the answer is Kay really doesn’t like anything about herself, she just talks a big game. But she has a sort of a soft spot for Ro and she felt like she couldn’t leave without the apple so, an uncomfortable conversation that she had to swear her to secrecy about happened. Fun.

So last call: I have to talk about Priam and I have to talk about Hercules and I have to talk about Malcome and none of those things are going to be particularly fun.

We’re walking and Lydia said something about what she got her bachelors in and Kay went “you went to college?” because being a baker she figured  Lydia didn’t have to, and Kay hasn’t met a lot of grads tbh. Malcome, being nearby, asks “you didn’t?” so she just “no, what would I have majored in, I’m a bouncer. Was a bouncer.” and he mentioned she could come to UC and she just “to study what?” a little bit salty, but she barely got out of high school. She doesn’t have the grades or the cash- and really, what would she study? She doesn’t think she’s good at anything and no one wants to hire her because they don’t feel safe with her. So what kind of job is she going to get? And he just shoots back “Maybe how to be a person.” For someone who doesn’t know her, that cut exceptionally deep. She’s going to be thinking about that one for a long time.

Hercules- she doesn’t really like him as a person but she’s coming to a point where she might be able to respect him? Like she hates him, but he buried Priam when she couldn’t and she feels like she owes him one. It’s complicated.

And finally: Priam.

If anyone got shafted in this whole thing, it was Priam. Poor guy had to witness the sacking of Troy TWICE. Lost his whole family. After a lifetime of guilt and piety and hard work and just rule that was his reward. Kay liked Priam. She liked Hector. She liked Cassandra. And more than that they deserved better. It isn’t even just that Priam was faithful to the olympians, if I remember correctly he was beyond reproach with his sacrifices. He honored all the gods with huge sacrifices. He taught his many children to do the same. He changed his name to honor the sister who saved him in the last sack of Troy in a world that had no respect for women. He was a good man and a good king. He raised a good king for the next generation. He was good to his people. But this mess still happened because... his son was an idiot and idk if it was society or if they were demanding Paris and not just the return of Helen, but there it is and he loses everything.

If Kay could bring him back she’d do it in an instant. She sort of hopes he’s a hero tied to the cycles so he can try again. She wishes she had had time to mourn and bury him herself.

I don’t think she’s ever really over what happened to him- because now she’s been there for it, intimately, twice. That’s a curse.