#I really do suck at interviews even in the best of settings though

[faeratil]

Thank god the manager for the store I’m trying to transfer to is basing a large part of their decision on performance and development and not the ability to answer interview questions well.

I fucking suck at interviews, but I am EXCELLENT at showing why I’m a good fit.

[gguk-n]

Last Straw (Lando Norris x Reader)

Thank you for the 400 followers. I love Lando but I felt like a bit of angst was needed.

Part 1 of Fading Shadow

Summary- Lando has been in a relationship for quite some time, most people didn't know that. Finally, the world finds out about Lando's girlfriend, he seems to forget about her.

Warning- Lando is a bit of an ass and the reader is a bit of a doormat

{Reader's POV}

Lando won the second race of his career and the season at Zandvoort, Max's home race. I was over the moon watching Lando cross the finish line. He was so happy to have won another race, finally. As he got out of the car he ran to his parents; after the greeting and congratulations, he walked away to be interviewed. I was stood there, dumb founded as Lando left without even acknowledging my existence; I could hear people whispering as Lando walked away

When we got back to the hotel, "Lan, do you wanna go out to celebrate?" I asked looking at him as he got ready for a shower. "Oh, Y/N, I made plans with the others; none of their girlfriends are coming. It'd be weird" he stated. "Oh, yeah, obviously. Well, I hope you have fun. I'll be here waiting for you" I said trying to give him a smile but I felt tears well up. Lando left soon after, while I was sat in the hotel scrolling through twitter when I saw something I wish I hadn't. I couldn't stop myself from reading through the tweets.

I could already imagine my friends screaming at me for staying after everything. It had always been like this, it always felt like Lando was too embarrassed to be seen with me. We started dating a year and a half back but we met 2 years back, when I was on a vacation with my friends. He was the best guy, or so I thought. We exchanged numbers and stayed in contact until he asked me out. It was straight out of a movie, the whole nine yards. But he wouldn't let me tell my friends, "baby come on, why do you wanna tell everyone and ruin the fun just yet. I like the thrill, isn't it fun trying to act like there's nothing between us" he said as he pushed me on my back on the sofa while his lips trailed the exposed skin on my torso; honestly I'd lose any train of thought once his lips were on my skin. Though I accidentally let it slip one day, they had been trying to get me to go on a blind date. So, I told them I was dating Lando Norris. They were so excited and wanted to meet him.

When Lando found out about that, he was furious and didn't speak to me for days. "HOW COULD YOU TELL THEM? AFTER ALL THE TIMES I TOLD YOU NOT TO....ARE YOU STUPID?" he shouted. "Lan, it was an honest mistake. They kept trying to set me up on a blind date and I didn't wanna go, obviously since I have you. Please, I'm sorry. I won't do anything stupid again. Please just join me for lunch on Sunday. I'm really sorry" I cried. "Then you should've gone on that stupid date" he spat as he walked away. I should've known then. It was only after I begged and pleaded that Lando agreed to meet my friends. He never let me forget how he did me a favour by agreeing to meet my friends. "baby, you know how much I love you right" he asked. "yeah" I replied as he intertwined his fingers with mine. "I can't share you with others. I get so jealous. You're mine and only mine. And that's why I can't have you meet my friends" he said as he started sucking on my neck.That's why I didn't bring up the fact that I hadn't met his friends since we'd known each other for a year and dating for half of it. We barely even went out on dates; we'd always have in home dates since he was a celebrity and didn't like the paps. He would always say that he enjoyed the normalcy and the feeling of being a regular guy with me. "Baby, do you really wanna go out, where we would be spotted and then people say stuff about us. Don't you like being home, wear whatever you want. I can touch you however I want. Come on, why do you wanna ruin something so perfect" he hummed against my lips as his fingers pushed my underwear aside. I was so naive and thought that he was such a romantic guy.

It a little before our 1 year anniversary when I started asking him to take me along to the races since I wanted to be there to support him in person. "Lan, I really wanna be there for your races. I wanna see my boyfriend being cool at what he does." I whined. "You already do see me on the teli, it's practically the same" he said. "Please Lan" I begged. "Baby, I love you I truly do and I wanna show you off to the world but you know how the fans can get, they ruined my last relationship and I can't lose you. I love you too much" he said making me blush. I believed him like the idiot that I was. I believed every lie that left his pretty lips even when he would say that all those pictures of him on twitter with girls were edited and that he would never do that to me. I believed him.

I don't know how much I begged to be at a race and when I got to go to the first race of my life with him as his girlfriend and of the season; I was ecstatic. I made sure to be dressed well so as to not embarrass Lando and made sure to be a little controlled in my movements even though I was super excited to be there since I loved Formula One. All the other drivers were pretty shocked to meet me and even more so when they found out we'd been dating. They were all very kind and so were their girlfriends. I thought we'd be the best of friends and I'd have someone to hang out with while my boyfriend raced. Oh how stupid I was, they never even told me that Lando cheated on me or that their boyfriends knew and they never told me. I had an inkling that Lando was cheating on me; I saw it with my own eyes on the night before my birthday; the day of the Miami GP and he was celebrating with everyone and I saw him kissing a girl. No one saw me because I left immediately and cried myself to sleep. I hated myself for never confronting Lando; I brushed it off thinking that if I tried harder Lando would be back to himself, the Lando I know. But the Lando I knew was a facade and never existed. Lando had only been playing with my heart, it seems.

Did I tell you? He forgot our anniversary and said he would make it up to me. Which I do not believe he has. "Fuck baby, I'm sorry" he whispered as he wiped away my tears. "You know how busy I've been with the season starting and stuff. You'll forgive me right? I'll make it up to you, promise." he said while I nodded along to him. My friends hated his guts, but I was the one covering for him. When they asked why we weren't public; I said I wanted to be private. When they asked about Lando's multiple infidelities I would lie to their face and say that everything was a lie and a ploy to ruin his reputation; that's what I knew then and believed. I would see them face palm themselves mentally, now that I thought about it.

I guess being embarrassed by the man you love, multiple times, publicly can fuck you up. Because right now, I couldn't even cry anymore. I couldn't believe the other girls wouldn't even reply to my texts on the group chat; they added me to. This was humiliating. I was done with that asshole and I wasn't about to let him walk all over me anymore.

I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. I got dressed and decided to show up at the same bar he was at. When I entered, I saw him, dancing and drinking with others. I saw the other drivers with their girlfriends; I couldn't help but laugh bitterly. I walked up to the bar and sat down and started ordering the most expensive drinks they had. "Bad day?" The bartend asked. "Horrible, my boyfriend's been cheating on me" I chuckled. "I'm sorry." he looked apologetic. "You have nothing to apologise for. Just add the tab of every drink I put down my throat to that guy in the white shirt" I said directing his eyes to Lando. "Lando Norris?" he asked. "Yeah" I said and started to drink. I was sure Lando saw, I could feel it. I felt multiple eyes. I felt my phone buzz multiple time; I wasn't sure if it was some one who cared about me or those assholes since I didn't want to check my phone.

After a good hour of just drowning my feelings in alcohol, I stumbled my way out of the bar. I had made the decision to move out of that hotel room to another hotel and stay there before I flew back to get all my stuff. Lando would be too hammered to realise I was gone. I woke up the next morning with a major hangover but I knew what I wanted. I flew back to our his home in Monaco and took all my stuff; thankfully not a lot and left with a note on the table saying 'We are done'. I left any and everything he gave me, which wasn't a lot when you think about how I was dating a millionaire. I blocked Lando's number while I waited for my flight back home, can't believe I gave so much up for this man boy. I will be putting myself first finally.

{Lando's POV}

I saw her, but I wasn't sure if it was really Y/N so I texted her but no reply. Apparently, she was at the bar we were at but she didn't approach me or us. Everyone saw her, I thought she didn't see us but I found out she knew I was there since she billed everything she had to me; which was a lot of alcohol, almost enough to cover half the amount I spent on the group. I knew I was fucked. I had no idea how I was gonna explain myself to her. I tried texting her but no reply. I think she blocked me and when I saw twitter I saw Y/N had posted a story but I couldn't see it either; guess she blocked me on there too.

I flew back as soon as I was able to, to find the house empty and a note on the table saying we're done. I guess I deserved that after the shit I pulled; well at least it's not as messy as I expected it to be.

[hyuuukais]

-`♡´ - APARTMENT 143

pairing -> lee minho x fem reader

synopsis -> after a bad breakup, y/n needs to find a new place to live. although she's grateful for her best friend, up-and-coming model hwang hyunjin, for letting her stay at his, she can't keep living with him and his model roommates. so when an opening for somewhere nearby with cheap rent opens up, she jumps on it, despite knowing next to nothing about the 3 other tenants, only that one owns 3 cats. the three quickly learn of her breakup, determined to help get her back on her feet. but what happens when one of them begins to develop feelings?

warnings -> gen, energy is tenseee

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN -> PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE (partially written! wc: 1.4k)

You sigh, placing your phone next to you as you slide down further into your pillows. Time is running out to ask Minho, you know that, and Lily has been pressing too. The deadline for offering interviews lingers sooner than when they start. With a groan, you swing your feet over the edge of your bed and slip them into the bunny slippers previously kicked off at the end of your bedframe, trudging to your door.

Minho is already pouring a cup of coffee into a dark brown mug when you enter the kitchen, wearing his normal work attire; a tight black t-shirt tucked into black jeans and a belt. Sometimes you were jealous of the simplicity. He doesn't notice you lean on the island, back facing you. When he does turn around, he startles, the tiniest drop of hot coffee running down the side of his mug and seeping under his hand. He doesn't hiss at the burn, doesn't even flinch, just puts the mug down and wipes his hand on the cloth hanging off the oven door.

"Dont sneak up on people, it's not nice," he says, replacing the cloth.

You perk up at his voice. "We're talking again, good, that's good. Listen, I deeply apologize for what I said and I don't even believe that, you know? I'm sure your ex loved you a lot. There was definitely a really good reason for her to hide her husband from you. Maybe he sucked! In any case, you're a great guy, so why wouldn't she choose you?"

Taking a deep breath, you refocus yourself. Minho is staring at you from above his mug, blowing gently on the hot liquid. There's still tension between you two, the air thick and hot.

"Was there a point to all that?" He asks bluntly.

"Yes, um. This is bad timing, but have you decided if you're doing Lily's thing or not yet...?" He sets his mug down with a sigh. "Of course, it's okay if you don't want to! Deadlines are coming up though so she needs an answer whether you're doing it or not."

He takes his time answering, sipping his coffee, running a hand through his hair, stretching. Part of you is getting frustrated. How hard is it to say a simple yes or no? Either he's doing it or not, there's not exactly a grey area.

"I'll do it," Minho finally answers, and you barely contain a squeal of excitement.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" You run around the island and hug him, nearly knocking over your stool in the process.

It's short-lived, pulling away to see Minho's face painted red, no doubt mimicking your own. Clearing his throat, he nods at you and grabs his coffee, turning away from you. You're about to leave when you remembered what prompted you to seek him out in the first place.

"We're having a game night tonight if you want to join? It's just gonna be the boys, Hyun, NingNing, and I invited Soobin too." You lean against the wall of the hallway leading to your rooms, waiting for a response.

"Ah, I might be working late again, but I'll see what Jeongin is up to. Is it okay if I..." He shakes his head. "Never mind, forget that. I'll either see you or I won't."

"Okaaay," you give him two thumbs up, but immediately put them back down when he gives you a weird look.

-

Game night is in full swing by ten with snacks and drinks taking up the island and bodies filling up the couch. A pile of UNO cards sit messily in the middle of the table, NingNing taking it upon herself to tidy it up every so often, even if it only stays like that for a couple of turns. You're so close to calling UNO, smirking as you place down another pick-up-4 card and watch as Soobin's head slowly turns to look at you with fake disdain. He keeps eye contact as his hand reaches for the deck, barely containing his own smile as he glares at you, and you can't help but giggle.

All night has been like this- teasing Soobin and getting him used to your friends now that you've become a bit more serious. His training under you has finally ended, so you feel less guilty about the whole thing. The only thing is that you still haven't shared it with your boss, but that's a problem for another day. Right now, all you can think of is the way Soobin has his free hand over yours, thumb caressing the back of your hand and only taking it away to place a card down. He fits in nicely with everyone, almost like he's always been there... which makes sense seeing as he was already friends with Beomgyu.

"UN-" you're attention turns to the two bodies walking through the front door, "-oh."

In comes Minho with a girl you don't recognize hanging off his arm, in their own world as they kick their shoes off and laugh at something she whispers in his ear. Neither seem to notice the big group around the table until the girl gives a little, and uncomfortable, wave. Minho has his arm wrapped around her waist tightly, and you follow his gaze to where Han and Beomgyu sit. On their faces are matching angry stares, Han with his mouth open slightly.

"You're kidding," Beomgyu scoffs. "Tell me you're kidding, Min."

"I forgot you were having a game night," Minho shifts.

"Don't ignore the question." You look at Beomgyu, anxiety crawling up your throat. "Why is she here? And why are you acting so... couple-y?"

Han stands, and you can see his hands are shaking. "You got back together?"

"Oh, come on," the girl speaks for the first time, a look of annoyance on her face. "We always get back together."

"I wasn't talking to you-" Han points a finger at her, then directs it to Minho. "You, explain."

"No," Minho sighs. "I don't think I need to. If you're unhappy with your own love lives, you don't need to project onto me. None of you can say shit about relationships here. You're sneaking around because you're ashamed, and Y/n is only with Soobin because she can't get over her ex. Just to name a few."

You avoid eye contact with Soobin, a pang of hurt in your chest, glaring at Minho.

"I'm not unhappy," you say, feeling Soobin squeeze your hand. "You have no right to comment on my relationships because you're jealous."

Hurt flashes over Minho's face for a millisecond, quickly covered by a stoic expression. "Why would I be jealous? People can change-"

"Like hell, they can." Beomgyu stands now, circling around the table and past the couch to get into his personal space. "You said it yourself you don't believe that! And what about your husband?" He looks the girl in the eye and you hear NingNing gasp; you forgot to tell her. "What does he think of all this?"

"We're divorcing," she answers quietly, looking down at the floor. "He wasn't good for me. Not like you'd understand, or even take the time to try and understand."

Her voice turns watery at the end of the sentence, orange hair shielding her face as she curls into Minho's chest. From the shudder of her body, you can tell she's starting to cry. You almost feel bad for her. Taking in her words, you feel there's more to the story than what you know and what the others are willing to listen to, but you're already to upset to care. Han joins Beomgyu, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe we should leave it alone."

"And maybe he should leave, take his princess back to her tower," Beomgyu spits.

Minho's eyes turn dark, jaw clenching. He's holding back hurtful comments, just barely. After another moment of tense staring, Minho breaks eye contact and leads the girl- his ex- back to the front door. Slipping on his shoes, he helps her with her own when her hands prove to be too shaky to tie the laces. When he leaves the room is completely silent, Beomgyu taking a seat next to Hyunjin on the couch and Han walking away down the hall, the sound of a door slamming following his departure.

-

notes -> maybe we were quick to judge his ex...? maybe.......?

taglist -> @chaeryred @toplinelix @channie-143 @staysinbloom @puppyminnnie @tfshouldidohere @kangaracha @chlodavids @whitney190 @thisisnotjacinta @borahae-reads @brooklynie @gini143 @kayleigh-28 @skz-streamer @babyphotos0325 @scallywag1299 @venusmoonxnight @naomisosoup @fertiliezedtoesw @s00buwu @realrintaro @anothershorthuman @stayatinykatsy @ilovejeongin007 @btswestan @multifandomedsimp @ihrtlix @raehawthorne @euphoric-univers @hyperpixie @evermourning @satsuri3su @jazziwritesthings @minhwa @wyzminho @fic-for-readers @dreamerwasfound @imsiriuslyreal @lailac13 @palindrome969 @lixie-phoria @aalexyuuuhm @sunflowerbebe07 @st4rhwa @lukeys-giggle @jabmastersupriseee @judeduartewannabe @gaysontheprince @stepout-09-15

^^^ orange means i can't tag you

[kudouusagi]

Spoilers for buddy daddies drama 4

I've got stuff going on now so it might take me a little while to translate the whole thing but here's a summary.

After the preview Kazuki is looking for jobs and sees shady listings for for drug testing studies that pay for people to take new medicines. He would have to be gone for two weeks and he asks Rei if he would be able to take care of Miri all by himself for 2 weeks and he's like NOPE.

Kazuki says they're running out of money and need to get jobs soon and Rei says that even though he thought there would be lots of jobs he could do with only one arm it's been hard to find anything. Kazuki says it's not just his arm it's that he's not sociable. Like his horrible interview last week.

There's a flashback and he's in an interview and the interviewer asks if he has any special skills and he says he's good with guns and won't let his pray escape. The interviewer is like, "You're talking about air guns, right?" and Rei says he didn't have anything else to say.

Kazuki says there's something even worse than them not finding jobs: if he gets a job then Rei would have to do all of the housework. apparently he can do laundry now but everything else he's horrible at.

And so Kazuki is making him do a week of special training to teach him how to take care of the house and Miri. Kazuki says he's been taking it easy on him since he can't move his arm but he's going to　be a monster now, a cleaning training monster. Rei says he really can't move his arm and Kazuki tells him to shut up because says Miri tells me you've gotten even better at mario cart that you were before! "You set a new record!" Rei's like "I was so happy I did a victory pose"

Miri comes in and asks what they're doing and Kazuki says they're doing special training. Rei isn't happy about it until Miri says it's cool and he just says "I'll do it!"

Kazuki teaches him to vacuum, clean, and talk to the moms at Miri's school over text etc. Rei is exhausted and wants to give up but Miri cheers him on so he keeps trying.

Kazuki got a job and Rei kept going even while he was gone. He was doing dishes and dropped a glass and tried to clean it all up on his own. He picks up the big pieces but has trouble using a dustpan and broom at the same time so he's thinking about waiting till Kazuki gets home to finish cleaning it up but Miri comes over and holds the dustpan for him.

Kazuki gives him a test of making french toast on his own. He makes it and it's really good and Kazuki says it's so good they could sell it at a restaurant. Rei says it's still not good enough and he can make it better. He has become obsessed with the quality of ingredients and how to make food.

Miri says he looks like he's having fun and Kazuki tells her to tell him to calm down but she doesn't want to. Miri and Rei work together to open the boxes that Rei ordered of ingredients and Kazuki is shocked how close they've gotten. He's happy that he can work without worrying but he kind of feels like he's loosing his place. He asks Miri if she'll play mario cart with him but she says no because he sucks at it.

Kazuki tells Rei to give him special training to learn to play games and Rei's like "but aren't you going to work?" and Kazuki says he'll do both. Rei tells him that sometimes games are harder than killing people.

Rei teaches him to game and Kazuki works at bars and restaurants cleaning and cooking. He games during the day and works at night. Kazuki overworks himself and he passes out. Rei calls an ambulance for him. Kazuki wakes up in the hospital and realizes he's been working so hard at gaming that he hasn't even talked to Miri but she's sleeping on his bed at the hospital holding his arm. Kazuki tells her he'll make her whatever she wants when they get home and she says she wants french toast and Kazuki says that Rei's would be better but she says she wants his. She says both of their french toast are the best in the world.

At home they're eating french toast and Rei comments that their french toasts taste different. He's learned that making things himself feels different. Kazuki says he's learned something too. Working night shifts doesn't give him time to eat and spend time with them.

They start thinking of jobs he can do like a cleaning service or a private investigator. Miri is still eating and says she wants to eat with everyone (her friends) and they they realize they can make a restaurant. Miri says they can't because Rei-papa is unsociable. Kazuki says they'll give him special training for it.

Later when they're opening their restaurant they feed Kyuu-chan their french toast and they're very nervous. Kyuu-chan criticizes their customer service but says their food is good. Then a customer shows up and they welcome them to "Diner Nest"

[fereldanwench]

A Personal, and Final, Reflection on A Certain Fandom

Having spent the past week and a half away from the Tumblr side of the C*b*rp*nk community after a resurgence of old wank (not hashing out the details–IYKYK), I heavily weighed the pros and cons of saying anything else. Ultimately, I decided for my own peace of mind and ability to fully move forward, I do want to say a few things (or a lot of things, given how long this is). This blog is my personal archive first and foremost, and I think writing a “final chapter” will help me find closure. I’m also choosing to publish this because, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think my mistakes and subsequent revelations might be good learning experiences for others, too. 

Like many of us, just by the nature of when this game was released, I entered this fandom during a very fragile, tumultuous time in my life–Well, sort of, let me back it up a little: I actually initially entered it during a great time in my life. It was July 2021, I had just enjoyed about 6 weeks off from work after quitting a demanding job that had sucked the life out of me for almost 10 years, and I had started a promising new job. I even bought the game with the first paycheck from said new job!

Unfortunately, while I had been told that this position was temp-to-hire, not only was it not a path to a permanent role, but because I completed all the work in my contract over a month sooner than they anticipated (early September vs late October), I was being let go early because they had nothing else for me to work on. I was literally told over the phone, “You did amazing work, you got us caught up through November, but we don’t have anything else for you.”

Cue about 6 months of recruiters ghosting me, exhausting interview processes, demoralizing rejections, and scam upon scam upon scam, all culminating in me returning to the job I had been so happy to leave a year earlier. And while my old coworkers were ecstatic to have me back, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete failure. I took what I thought was a calculated risk, I thought I could do something better for myself, and I couldn’t. It’s something I’m still struggling with today, honestly.

On top of this, I also experienced a debilitating physical health episode in January 2022 which led to me being effectively bedridden for about 3 weeks. [CW: Menstruation, sexual health] I’m not sure of the exact cause–maybe a bad reaction to emergency contraception, maybe unsafe menstrual underwear, but it resulted in menorrhagia so severe I fainted from blood loss. My insurance had literally just ended, another wave of COVID was hitting, and I didn’t want to risk getting infected sitting in an ER for hours only to rack up a few thousand in debt to get a blood transfusion. So rest, iron supplements, and lots of meat and spinach and orange juice was the best I could do.

All of this led to my world becoming very small. I wasn’t working, I could barely do my hobbies or see my local friends, and simple everyday tasks like showering drained me of all my energy. When I was stuck in bed and could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few hours at a time, gossip was a welcome, low-effort distraction from the physical pain and fear that I might either have to put myself in thousands of dollars of medical debt or risk lifelong damage (or worse) from the blood loss.

I also found myself having groups of friends in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m extremely introverted (even online, though less so than IRL), I have social anxiety, and the handful of times I have been “in” a group I was never really in it. I was always on the outskirts and usually just close to one or two people, max.

Regretfully, this set the stage for me to get caught up in the culture of rumors and speculation that permeates this fandom more than I think it has any other fandom I’ve been a part of.

Academically, I know about things like groupthink and tribalism, and I could see how those influenced the groups developing in the fandom, but I had no direct, personal experience with those phenomena. I think in conjunction with the other struggles I was dealing with, I ended up being incredibly susceptible to an us-versus-them mentality, which led me to feel justified in being unkind to people I knew had been unkind to my friends, even if deep down I knew what I was doing was antithetical to who I strive to be. 

I don’t share any of this for sympathy points or to smear anyone else or to avoid accountability–I still chose to act like an ass on a couple of occasions, and regardless of what I was going through, that was still inappropriate. I’m still responsible for my own behavior no matter what’s going on. 

But I do want to contextualize my fuck-ups for two reasons:

The first reason is ego-driven, full-stop. Not even gonna gloss it over. I can’t defend being an asshole nor do I want to, but I think it’s normal and healthy to look back on your mistakes and go, damn, why the hell was I acting like this? 

Even on my best days, I can be very stubborn and self-important and pedantic and judgemental, and I certainly can’t say that I’ve never inadvertently offended someone–Sometimes a joke might not land as I hoped. Sometimes I get tangled up in my own thoughts, burdened by an excess of nuance and details, and I express things poorly while I try to account for all sides of things. Sometimes I can get a little too opinionated about blorbo stuff. Sometimes there might just be a full communication breakdown or an insurmountable personality clash–But I can also confidently say that I have acted with good intentions in this fandom far, far more than I have with spite or because of petty rivalries.

And when I did get caught up in the drama and gossip and the wank? I was literally at the lowest point I’d been in a very, very long time. 

Again, because I feel like I can’t say this enough, that doesn’t make acting like a dick in a Discord server any more excusable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt anyone, and that doesn’t mean that someone I hurt during that time has to forgive me or stick around for me to grow. Hurting someone because you’re hurting is still not okay. But I’m pretty sure every single one of us has had a bad day (or two or three or 365 or–) and made an isolated bad decision (or two or three or–) because of it–None of us deserve to be wholly defined by those moments or denied a chance to learn from those mistakes and be better.

And I think the most important takeaway for me personally is that I have learned from these mistakes and I have not repeated them. Some of these mistakes even helped me realize that I needed professional support for my mental health, and they played a role in my seeking medication and therapy last year. I still have a lot of work to do, but the silver lining to all of this is that I am in a much better place today than I was 2 years ago (even if this year also fucking sucks for non-fandom reasons and I would still very much like a goddamn break.)

The other reason I wanted to share my journey of navel-gazing and healing a wounded ego ~*self-discovery*~ is I think there’s a very good chance my story might sound familiar to others in the fandom. Maybe someone else can learn from my hardships and mistakes, too. Maybe you too were dealing with chronic fatigue or mental health issues or financial stress or isolation or all of the above and then some, and it led you to fixate on things that were harmful to you, to form unhealthy relationships with equally hurt people, and to act in a way that you know doesn't reflect who you are. The past several years have been so hard on so many of us, and I think we’ve all brought a lot of pain and misery into the community even if we weren’t trying to.

A somewhat shameful realization I had last year was I could recognize that kind of behavior in other people, but I completely missed it in myself. I could see how people were making this fandom their whole world and how it was so damaging to them, but I was doing the exact same thing and I just let it go completely unchecked because I thought I knew better. It was a brutal lesson in the pitfalls of pride. 

--------

So I was initially thinking at this point, I would take the time to address a few specific lies, rumors, and insinuations that have been said about me over the past couple of years. Because while I was a jerk in a couple of situations, most of the things said about me are exaggerations, if not outright fabrications.

And I did start writing a lot of that out, but as I was doing it, I was just overcome with a huge feeling of OH MY GOD I just don’t fucking care anymore. As one of my dear, long-time fandom friends has pointed out, there’s a great line about just this kind of thing from one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite games: “Why should it [bother me]? They don’t know me. I know me.”

I also really don’t want to run the risk of pulling anyone back into the fray (especially if they’re not even in the fandom anymore or if we’ve talked privately about certain issues) by even alluding to shit that happened years ago.

Instead, I would like to offer three of my big takeaways from the experience of being falsely accused of awful things:

You do not know nearly as much as you think you know about people’s fandom relationships. The one semi-specific thing I will mention is that I had been explicitly named a few times as being in cahoots with people I don’t think I ever even spoke to or that I had already drifted away from–Just because you saw two people existing in the same public space doesn’t mean they’re besties, bestie. Also, friends don’t always have to agree with each other, nor should we be expected to participate in a public spectacle of shaming if we do have a disagreement. People are allowed to resolve their differences privately.  

Not all conflicts/disagreements are inherently abusive or toxic. When you are hurting or dealing with unresolved trauma or starting to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself, the slightest disagreement can feel like a personal attack, but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes differences might be irreconcilable, but sometimes they might not be if you don’t automatically assume the worst of someone with a different perspective than you. Sometimes we just need to give the other person a little grace and the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing their best. And sometimes we might need to consider that it’s actually our own behavior driving the conflict and not the other person.

Even in situations when someone has clearly been unfairly targeted/victimized, that doesn’t mean they can’t also be a perpetrator of harassment/abuse to someone else. Victim and abuser are not mutually exclusive roles. I would wager a lot of us are familiar with the cyclical nature of abuse, and to quote a line from one of my favorite movies (admittedly a bit of a flippant line in the context of the film, but it still rings true): hurt people hurt people. Accountability for shitty behavior is never conditional, regardless of the pain we’re experiencing. 

--------

I titled this my final reflection, and I want to clarify what that means:

First of all, I’m not leaving this fandom (don’t everyone clap at once ha ha ha). I’ve been in various online fandoms since the early 00s, and while this has been one of the more challenging communities for me to navigate, it’s not enough to make me give up something I love this much. My blorbos are my perpetual muses, and I feel like virtual photography is the creative outlet I’ve been searching for my entire life. I love this game and hobby too much to stop creating and sharing.

I’m also not leaving Tumblr. While I’ve had this specific account since 2016, I’ve been here since 2010–Tumblr is not just this fandom for me. I have many friends (some I’ve known since my original account in 2010!) from other fandoms, and I’m not losing the best place to hang out with other people who are special to me just because one fandom got a little unpleasant. (I mean, look, I weathered the DA fandom here circa 2012-2015–This ain’t my first rodeo.) I also have a lot of hope for the Tumblr Communities feature, and I’m really hoping the VP community we’ve set up can continue to grow and flourish.

But I am no longer addressing any of this wank. If you have a problem with something I’ve done or said to you and you want to address it with me directly (preferably in a private space just so we don’t keep putting this shit on people’s dashboards), I am open to conversation and apologizing where needed.

Otherwise, this is the last time I’m talking about it anywhere. Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, publicly, privately–I’m done. I’m washing my hands of it. I don’t want to hear anything else about what other people have done or who they’re friends with or who they’re following or what they’re saying about me or my friends or any of it. This bullshit has taken up too much of my time and energy, and I have very important smutty shots to take. 

And I am probably going to continue to be less active in the fandom on Tumblr, at least for a while. You probably won’t see me here much until September at the earliest. This time away has been really good for me, and I think I need to continue with limited Tumblring and making the time I am here more structured. Plus, with some of my other fave video game series returning this fall, my blog will probably shift back to a more well-balanced multi-fandom space. 

I’m also going to need to diversify my dash a little bit more, which means I will likely end up unfollowing some mutuals, particularly if we don’t interact often, if you don’t tag, or if I see any mention of fandom drama–It’s nothing personal, but I know breaking mutualship can hurt a little, so if following me after that makes you uncomfortable in any way, please don’t feel like you have to stick around. I totally get it. Similarly, if it would make you uncomfortable for me to continue to interact with your posts after unfollowing (because I probably will if you post in certain tags), please feel free to block me. 

Okay. Christ, that was long. Shut the fuck up already, right? This is why I can't do social media with character limits. ghdfjgjhkfdgkfdg

Seriously, though, that's it. People are welcome to comment on this post if they want, but I really have nothing else to say about any of this so please don’t be offended if I don’t reply. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just… Well, done.

[ravenbloodshot]

Jaehyun- BoyNextDoor Red + Green Flags Reading

❤️

He suppresses his real self a lot, he's someone that trys to cater to what others want from him and he could lose himself in the end trying to please others. I feel like he's expected to be the comedic relief in his friend group and when he's around strangers (or he just feels pressured to be funny/goofy). Which could cause him problems of feeling lonely when in the company of others (I also feel like the mood makers and jokesters tend to be the most depressed/unhappy. They constantly have to put up a facade of happiness)

He can help people while expecting things in return. So it's not exactly help he gives. He's loaning his time or his money or whatever, but in the end, the other person will have to pay up at some point. And he may do a bit of pestering if they take too long.

Jaehyun may use his looks/attraction to get his way. I don't think he's very patient, nor does he like to be told no (I just get a vibe of someone telling him no or setting up a boundary with him and he pushing past that and in the end getting his way). He's just a bit too forceful and persistent sometimes (this trait probably benefits him greatly in his career, but when it comes to simple human interactions, he has to learn when to quit/back off)

I'm also seeing a card here that makes me think he's not as much of a gentleman as he may seem. Of course, as an idol they have to project the perfect boyfriend image but in irl he may not be as gentle and caring. I'm not seeing this as something that's super dark or anything, it's just if he appears as a shy, reserved.... "bring my girl flowers everyday and sing her lullabies to sleep" type of guy. In reality, he's not shy at all and has a more aggressive approach. Like I said before, he's quite impatient so be may push the formalities out of the way and just get straight to the point (not really a red flag but partners could be a bit put off by this contrast between his boyfriend image and his true personality)

He can be quite bratty and childish. Doesn't realize what he has and how privileged he is. The type to come off as ungrateful when venting his frustrations. For an example, during his trainee days lets say he was one of the top picks to be debuted soon but he was complaining to one of the lower ranked trainees, who are probably not gonna debut, of how much his life sucked. He just can come off as tone deaf at times

Overall, he gives off the vibe of a guy that's super loud. Everything he does is loud, in your face, and everyone must see and know. But deep down, he's quite insecure and feels alone.

💚

He definitely is great at being a moodmaker. He knows how to uplift a room and change the atmosphere to something more comfortable/positive. Reminds me of when he was interviewing Riize and how he managed to make everyone laugh and get comfortable, especially when initially everyone was very quiet and awkward (and no offense to Riize, they're pretty but their personalities aren't that entertaining/engaging so Jaehyun being there made everything more smooth sailing).

I feel like he would be a great actor. He really knows how to show himself off in different ways, camflouge into different personalities/traits. If not an actor, variety shows are a must for him. I see that even if he's uncomfortable with acting a certain way, he could still sacrifice some of his dignity for the sake of amusing/pleasing others (not always a good thing though).

He's a very trustworthy friend, not the type to tell others business or spread rumors. His energy gives off "why you asking me, ask him" vibes. So if fans want tea on members he's not the one who will spill it, so it's best not to even ask him.

Okay I'm seeing some mommy issues, possibly a rough childhood keeps popping up in the cards. I do think bc of this he's learned to look after himself, he's very independent and resourceful. I feel like he's very street smart as well, like the type of person to know all the tricks in the book to sneak into places or get free stuff. This childhood of his could explain why he pushes past ppl's no and is as persistent as he is. Almost like being more aggressive/manipulative was what he had to be to survive. By these cards, I definitely see why he's the leader, not somebody who would've been satisfied by being anything less than the leader of his group.

Very good communicator. Probably chronically online, so fans should be careful what they post. The type of idol to respond to post and simply play around with fans. He also gives me Jackson Wang or even Heechul vibes. I feel like he befriends ppl easily, and it doesn't really matter who you are. If he vibes with you, he will talk to you. Rappers, singers, actors, foreign artists etc.... his contact list would have a wide variety of folks.

He is someone who can be very affected by the things he sees online, like hate comments and such. But also feeling like his life doesn't compare to what he sees influencers living. But I think he's learning to be less affected by these things, get some time away from his phone, and be present in the real world.

Look at Me Now by Chris Brown is a song that fits this reading's energy

[kittenwalker]

Reader’s being interviewed with evan for their first movie together and her big screen debut. During the interviews evan keeps dropping hints that he's interested in reader but she's SUPER oblivious. The whole entire filming he has been interested in reader, but she never picked up on the hints. After all the interviews evan finally snaps and tells her how much he wants them to be more than co star

notes : just a short sweet simple story nothing much and sorry sweetie for making wait so long! also not proofread so I'm sorry if there's any mistakes :)

19 and Y/n already have her first debut in American horror story. That’s pretty impressive for being quite young, she was casted to be one of the ghost in the first season, Murder house. Being the Montgomary’s daughter, and agreed to suicide with your mother. Y/n was just a side character and wasn’t really in this season. But she was still welcomed to come on set anytime, to practice lines or watch the process of the film. 

Y/n was closest with Evan as most of her scenes were with him. Him and her character have history together, being best friend’s after Tate’s, Evan’s character, arrival. Y/n’s role, Juliet, wasn’t much of a vengeful or evil ghost unlike the others sharing the house with her. Her character even had a small crush on Tate but seeing him get with Violet made her furious, she confessed her feelings but Tate chose Violet which made Juliet the weeping ghost. Cursed to weep around the halls due to heartbreak.

Working with Evan was a dream, he always cracked jokes with Y/n, making her more relaxed. They even had to do a kissing scene once and it was definitely awkward but she was glad it was with Evan. He knew she was tense about the on screen kiss so he bought her some tea to calm her down, assuring her that the kiss was only going to be a split second, even if Evan wished for more. 

He wished Y/n would catch on to the hints that he drops every set or scene they filmed for together. Evan could literally be so damn flirty with Y/n but she wouldn’t even notice, she was as blind as a bat. Though she is still young and has never dated or had someone flirted with her before. They shot this season for about 9 months, 9 months of being oblivious to Evan’s flirtatious behavior. Evan was already being so obvious that even your other co-stars knew his feelings for her.

The first episode of Murder house aired and woah did the audience eat it up. They were nagging for the producers to air more and all the episodes came out earlier than expected. The first seasons did so well that it was nominated for an award and of course Y/n was invited. Even better because she just turned 20 a few days ago, then this amazing news came out.

 Y/n just wore a simple black silk slip dress while layering some necklaces and stacking rings onto her fingers. She spritzed her perfume before slipping into her black high heels and rushed out the door with her purse. 

-

As she arrived, cameras and flashing lights bombarded her as she stepped onto the carpet. The people screamed at her to look at her directions and that just made her more nervous. But she did as told and just smiled, walking away from the limelight as quickly as possible. As Y/n escaped the crowd, she stood in a corner to see if her co-stars were anywhere to be in sight. But a sudden whisper made her jump, “ Boo “ the voice daunted. Turning around she saw Evan laughing to himself at her terrified expression. “ God you’re suck a dick “ Y/n playfully smacked his shoulders sighing in relief. “ Thought a m’lady would like some company “ god the nickname he gave you was so cute. “ No I would LOVE your company, it’s my first time coming to one of these and it can be quite nerve-wrecking that’s for sure. “ Y/n fiddled with her hands. Evan reassured her and promised the night would be amazing and fun, she just had to let loose. 

The both of them continued their everlasting conversation until an interviewer came up and interrupted them.  “ Hey I’m sorry to interrupt your lovely talk but I would just like to ask a few questions to the both of you. “ This was the last thing Y/n wanted, more confrontation with strangers. Evan sensed her unsteadiness and placed an encouraging hand behind her back, which did help Y/n make her feel more comfortable. “ So would you both have guessed or knew the audience would have liked the idea of both your characters being together so much? “ Y/n was honestly just as shocked as everyone else, she didn’t know the people watching would ship their characters so much.

“ No, not really actually. Ryan didn’t really plan for that to happen but it would make sense for fans to like them together, I mean they were there for each other throughout Tate’s whole move in. But you know in all Ryan’s productions he always needed a surprise or heartbreak. “ Evan answered the question perfectly. The interviewer kept asking them more questions up till the last question that shocked Y/n. 

“ Y/n, is there something going on between you and Evan. You two have always been caught together and laughing on set. “ God, was this interviewer very curious about people’s personal lives. “ Oh no we aren’t! Just co-stars and having fun together as friends. “ Y/n laughed it off. That made Evan feel like he got indirectly friendzoned, but he knows there’s a connection between them. “ I wish she was mine! Uh yea but no we’re not dating even though Y/n is a wonderful lady and any man would be lucky to have her. “ Evan cleared up the suspensions another time before the interviewer agreed with Evan, thanking them and leaving them to themselves. 

The air between them suddenly became dense and Evan knew he just had to get this secret off his chest, it’s been way too long and he was sure of how he felt about her, more than co-stars. He pulled Y/n wrist and dragged her into a more private corner in the place where the cameras hopefully couldn’t see them. Y/n looked at Evan confused on why he pulled her here, he sighed and just rolled out his words.

“ Look Y/n I can’t put up with this act anymore, pretending that we’re just friends. Like you don’t feel the tension between us? I’ve been dropping hints everyday on set and I can’t take it anymore. I like you Y/n, more than co-stars and more than friends, I know I sound greedy but I want more with you. You're just so easy to be around with and it feels like I’m almost safe with you. Please just one chance with you and I swear, you won’t regret it. “ Evan spilled his heart out looking like a hurt lost puppy. 

Y/n was dumbfounded, who’d have known he had more than friendly intentions. But she too wanted more, she just felt this great energy whenever she was with him. Though her silence was making Evan doubt his confession, her answer didn’t. 

“ I too want more with you, Evan. I just feel so good around you, you can make me laugh, relax me when I’m nervous, and put a smile on me all day long. I do feel this connection and would like to make your dream come true. “ Y/n smiled at him and thank god they were in a dark area so he couldn’t see Y/n blushing so much. 

When he heard those words come out of her mouth, his eyes lit up and a smile formed onto his lips. Evan was so cute when he smiled, showcasing his infamous dimples which made everyone fall for him.

“ Well since we both agree on what our status should be now, may I take you out for dinner one night? Maybe we can even ditch this place now and go. “ Evan suggested the ideas, making you chuckle at his eagerness but your stomach was agreeing with him for this one.

Well I guess they lied to the lady who interviewed them, as they are now officially together.

[grayintogreen]

im abt to be so predictable but: director's commentary on the vox/lucifer/lilith dynamic during the months where alastor was away?

HEE HEE. Predictable, maybe, but I've wanted to talk about it.

And I shall do it in a bulleted list!

So Lucifer did not end up keeping Vox's soul contract very long, because there was absolutely no way that Vox was gonna be able to FIND Alastor in a place where very few people ever actually go in Pride and well out of range of technology. Vox absolutely tried though and when that failed, he came back to execute PHASE TWO. Take everything Alastor holds dear! My hotel now, loser.

Obviously this posed a problem when he sat there in the metaphorical door with metaphorical shaving cream on his hands for a MONTH waiting for Alastor to come back and meanwhile Charlie is standing beside him like "have you considered that maybe you put way more effort into hating Alastor and being obsessed with him than is healthy." Vox didn't appreciate this.

He does realize that Alastor might not be coming back and that, in that month, Lilith has been trying to soften him up because she's hotter than Charlie and also scarier and she's very, very persuasive, so he decides, eh for a lark, he'll indulge the "therapy."

Therapy kinda works?? But it's mostly working because he off-sets his psychosexual obsession with Alastor with a new psychosexual obsession: becoming the evil vizier to the royal family. (Not his words, my words.)

Lucifer doesn't trust him, but he appreciates Vox's incredible organizational skills and his ability to actually do interviews and press for the hotel without panicking. They work shockingly well together, which pisses them both off, but Vox is delighted because he's cemented himself as Lucifer's right hand and Lucifer is happy because he isn't forced to do public speaking anymore. Both of them also bond about Alastor sucking and how they kinda both secretly miss him. Lucifer does not tell Vox about the time he visits Alastor, because he knows he'll make it weird.

Lilith doesn't trust Vox either, but she has Charlie's unflappable faith in people coupled with the willingness to destroy you if you break what trust she places in you, so Vox's dick is so scared of Lilith in the worst and best possible way. If there was a way for him to watch Lucilith have sex (there's not- Lilith's wards are amazing), he would be doing it. Instead, he just kinda showers Lilith with compliments and kisses her ass to make Lucifer roll his eyes, because he doesn't really get jealous. At least not over people like Vox.

So to recap: Vox has kinda replaced Lilith and Lucifer as surrogate Vees, except Lucifer is more of a stand-in for Alastor than he is for Valentino. He is thriving in this trio and believes it fully to be because he has them wrapped around his finger because he makes himself EVER SO USEFUL TO THEM.

they know what he's doing. they're not stupid.

they both are kinda into him in that "he is so clearly desperate for attention and approval and we are both dealing with a lot and despite his clearly overinflated sense of importance and villainy, he is actually VERY competent at what he does, so like fine we have an evil vizier now whatever."

Vox is actually winning even if he is still not fucking them. Fuck you, Alastor.

Charlie, for her credit, only thinks about this situationship in terms of "yay progress" and refuses to indulge that Vox is either secretly still evil or fucking her parents. The other hotel guests/employees have actual money on whether or not they are fucking.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY ASK GAME.

[fanficshiddles]

Villain Or Victim, Chapter 11

When Loki and Echo returned from the mission, Loki turned on the TV and they sat down together on the sofa to unwind a little.

But there was an emergency news bulletin that came on.

World War Three had begun.

‘YES!’ Loki cheered, fists in the air in victory. ‘This is what all our hard work has been coming to, pet.’ He grinned widely, Echo had never seen him look so happy before.

But she noticed that his face wasn’t the only part of his body that looked happy. And Loki noticed her looking there.

‘Do you want to please me some more, pet?’ He hummed low and squeezed himself through his leather trousers.

Echo nodded eagerly, of course she wanted to please him. That’s all she wanted to do. So knowing exactly what he wanted her to do, she slipped down to the floor and knelt on front of him. His grin grew even larger as he undid his trousers and pulled out his semi-hard cock for her.

She licked her lips, even if she was a little intimidated by his size, she was just so eager to please and felt herself getting aroused at the thought of pleasuring him. She leaned in and started sucking him off while he continued watching the news, how everyone was going into a panic all around the world.

‘Ohhh yes!’ Loki growled and gripped her hair to control her movements more, including forcing her down so she had to relax her throat quite a bit to take him without choking.

Natasha and Steve appeared on the TV too, doing a small interview. They were trying to tell the world that this was Loki’s doing, not countries against one another. Pleading everyone to stop. But the interviewer didn’t believe them and kept asking tricky questions.

Seeing the Avengers failing and the world tearing itself to pieces, while getting a blowjob from Echo, Loki was riding sky high and quickly came down her throat. He gave her no choice as he was still holding her head down on him by her hair.

When he pulled her off him, her face was a mess. He chuckled and wiped her chin with his thumb, then slipped it into her mouth and she sucked it instantly.

‘Good girl.’ Loki growled low. His praise made butterflies in her stomach go crazy.

-

Later that day in the evening, Loki had to go out. He sat down on the sofa next to Echo and gently cupped her cheek.

‘Pet, I do trust you while I nip out. But to be on the safe side, I’m going to restrain you to the bed. I give you my word, I will return. It’s for your own safety, ok?’

Her eyes widened. ‘Why? I won’t go anywhere, I’ll be here.’

‘I know you will, pet. But it’s just in-case your rage takes over, I need to know you’re definitely going to be here and will remain here. Then I can focus on what I need to do without worrying. Do you understand?’

Echo looked down, but she nodded. ‘If… If you think that’s the right thing to do and for the best.’

‘I do.’ Loki nodded.

He took her hand and led her through to the bedroom. He summoned up a set of chains with some soft cuffs at the end, that he attached to her wrists.

‘I won’t be long at all, I give you my word.’ Loki straddled over her and attached the chains to the top corners of the bed. She had enough give in the chains to lie on her back comfortably and was able to roll onto her side. Even though her arms would be up above her, they were resting on the bed still.

‘Mmm, you look delightful all restrained and vulnerable beneath me.’ He winked at her and kissed her on the lips. That made her stomach flip with excitement, but unfortunately for her, he had something he really needed to do.

So he left her with another kiss, on her forehead, then slipped off the bed. ‘Do you want the TV on? Or music?’ He offered.

‘Music, please.’ She said quietly.

‘As you wish.’ Loki smiled and put the radio on.

While he was gone, Echo’s mind began racing. She did kind of get why he chained her up, but at the same time she really thought that he trusted her now. What if he truly didn’t?

She mentally slapped herself, of course he trusted her. She’d helped him get this far in his plan, and he did rescue her from the Avengers. He was taking care of her, he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t trust and care for her. She was being stupid with those thoughts, she knew of it.

So she just focused on the music that was playing and shut her eyes.

-

‘Wake up, pet.’

The voice startled Echo awake in a panic, but she felt Loki’s gentle hand on her cheek so she instantly calmed down.

‘It’s only me.’ He smiled down at her.

‘What time is it?’ Echo asked, slightly disorientated from falling asleep.

‘It’s just after nine. Are you hungry? I brought back some food.’ He said as he waved his hand and the chains disappeared so she could get off the bed.

‘Yeah, thank you.’ She stood and hugged him, which surprised him a little as he hadn’t been expecting it. But he wrapped his arms back around her and gave her a squeeze. ‘I’m glad you’re back.’

‘I told you I would be.’ He kissed the top of her head then guided her through to the kitchen.

‘Did your mission go ok?’ She asked when they sat down at the table together.

‘Of course.’ Loki nodded.

He wasn’t about to tell her what he’d been doing. And when she didn’t ask, that pleased him.

He knew that the UK was reluctant to join in the war, even though Echo had taken out their prime minister, as they actually believed the Avengers. So he’d gone there to stir up a little trouble, guising as the new prime minister to poke accusations at another country so they’d be attacked, which made sure the UK joined in in retaliation.

And it had worked. Now every country was at war, and it was magnificent. Loki could even hear some explosions and gunfire not far from where they were, but he knew they were safe high in the mountains.

After eating, they watched some TV together before bed. Echo snuggled right up to Loki and he draped his arm around her.

When the programme they’d been watching finished, Echo raised her head to look at him.

‘Loki…’

‘Yes, pet?’

‘I love you.’ She blurted out, cheeks turning a bit red.

Loki smiled and cupped her face. ‘I know you do, darling. My good girl.’ He leaned in and kissed her forehead.

‘Come on, let’s go to bed. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow.’ He said softly and took her hand to help her up from the sofa.

‘Ok.’ She said quietly and followed him to the bedroom.

[yelenasdiary]

Hi

For the Advent calendar

The marvel cast plays secret Santa and reader has Lizzie and wants to gift her something really special.

☃️ Secret Santa ☃️

Pairing: Elizabeth Olsen x Reader

Summary: A special gift for a very special somebody

Fluff | 0.9K | No Warnings | 

AC: I lowkey suck at coming up with gift ideas lmao, I hope you enjoy this!

Day 8 | Advent Calendar Masterlist 🎄

When your past co-stars decided to catch up for a Christmas dinner party when everybody for the rare chance was available, it was Robert's idea to do a secret Santa. Everybody loved the idea, and you were excited to see who you'd be buying for. You loved the team, they were like a second family to you, you knew everybody all too well so the stress of trying to find something for whoever you were to get didn't bother you too much. 

Although as much as they were a second family to you, you were hiding a tiny little secret from them, from the world. It's new and it's beautiful but you and Elizabeth have been seeing each other as a couple. After working with her for a couple of years and trying your best to keep your little crush a secret, it was Lizzie who came to you and asked you out for dinner. She cooked for you both that night and admitted that you'd caught her eye the moment she met you on set. So, when Chris E handed you a folded scrap piece of paper and you opened it to see the name in black ink, you knew you wanted to get them something very special. 

"Lizzie" 

You tried your best to keep a poker face while Lizzie's name stared back at you from the piece of paper. Millions of ideas ran through your mind while you tried to think of the perfect gift for her. Even though the relationship was still new by 7 months, you really wanted to get her something very special. 

The following two weeks your mind was racing with ideas, you even tried to pick at Lizzie's brain in hopes she'd drop a hint of something she thought was super romantic, but she gave you nothing. It was easy to pick at her with the excuse that Christmas was coming up, she didn't seem to think much of that after. It wasn't until late one night when you were lying in bed, tossing and turning, with idea after idea then it hit you. Lizzie for months has mentioned a book she'd love to have, an old book that doesn't get printed anymore. Even though it was almost 2am, you grabbed your laptop and started searching. 

Keeping it a surprise from Lizzie was easier than you thought but you couldn't wait to see her face next week at the dinner party, probably the last one for the year and after that, you weren't sure when you'd be able to see everybody together again. Lizzie on the other hand couldn't help but tell you who she got as her secret Santa, Scarlett. She found finding a gift for Scarlett a little tricky as she was a hard person to shop for and Lizzie didn't want to get her something useless and settled for a day spa voucher for her and her husband. 

After messaging what felt like countless sellers, you finally found somebody willing to sell the book Lizzie had been talking about. For a somewhat decent price, you took a day trip to pick up the book in person, rather than having it be lost in the post being so close to Christmas. You told Lizzie that you had a photoshoot job out of town and an interview to follow up with so she wasn't going to question why you randomly left town for the day. The seller was kind and when they noticed that you'd been in a few of their favorite movies they wanted to give you the book for free, but you insisted on paying the said price and even added a little extra for the holidays. The elderly woman was pleased to meet such a movie star and thanked you for being so kind. 

The dinner party finally came along, you and Lizzie arrived together, hand in hand which almost instantly caught the eyes of your fellow friends. Robert being who he was, quickly pointed out the two of you with a wide smile while the others congratulated you both for "finally coming to your senses". You and Lizzie chuckled at the group for their jokes before taking a seat next to each other, Lizzie smiling softly as she placed a kiss on your cheek. After everybody had their main meal and were enjoying a few drinks, Chris E got the ball rolling and handed his secret Santa gift to Chris Pratt. 

Anthony got Paul R, Hemsworth got Gwyneth, Pratt got Mark, Cobie got you, Lizzie got Scarlett, you got Lizzie, Robert got Jeremy, etc. 

When it was your turn to gift your gift to Lizzie, you simply turned to her with a soft smile, "Merry Christmas, love" you handed her the book shaped gift in festive Christmas wrapping paper. Carefully Lizzie opened the gift, corner by corner, side by side and gasped when she saw the title of the book. "Honey! How did you get this?!" She looked up at you with a big smile, "with a little Christmas magic and plenty of tossing and turning" you joked with a chuckle. Lizzie gently flicked through the book with her smile staying glued to her lips, "thank you so much, honey! This is so thoughtful" she looked up at you once again before leaning over and pressing a soft kiss against your lips, the table of close friends making it obvious they were glad to finally see you both together.

Taglist: @red1culous | @bentleywolf29 | @natasha-belova | @kiwiana145 | @lissaaaa145 | @high--power | @parkerdaramitzzzz | @wackymcstupid | @mmmmokdok | @shin-conan-kun | @nattyolw | @ripofflizzie | @goofy-goonie | @makegoodchoices | @wandsmxmff | @apollo2907 | @wandaroman0ff | @dumb-fawkin-bitch | @lovelyy-moonlight | @santana1437 | @fluffyblanketgecko | @inluvwithfictionalwomen | @jaymieflorissssssss | @tita001 | @youralphawolf72 | @natashamaximoff69 | @hehehehannahthings | 

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Bottom!Luke Masterlist

Crave (ao3) - paperstorm michael/luke E, 4k

Summary: Michael has one complaint about being Luke’s boyfriend. Just one.

Endlessly (ao3) - pxnkspace luke/calum M, 3k

Summary: Calum and Luke have been together for almost five years now and Calum just wants to show Luke that he is the right guy for him.

First Time for Everything (ao3) - orphan_account luke/ashton N/R, 3k

Summary: The first time they decided to go all the way, Luke had felt his skin go red as Ashton had quickly pushed him inside of his own bedroom. They had just gotten back from their seventh date together, at a park near Luke’s house.

for you are not beside but within me (ao3) - elysianhood luke/calum E, 11k

Summary: Calum pulled Luke up with his blonde locks by his right hand and wrapped his left tightly around his throat, restricting his airway, and leaned in close to the teary blue eyes, hissing threateningly, ‘You never – ever – speak to me like that ever again, you filthy slut. Ever. You don’t fucking tell me what to do. You’re just a fucktoy, remember? A dirty, fucking whore. That’s all you’ll ever be.’

or; Luke was a bad boy and Calum isn't happy.

Found Out (ao3) - Latefan_5sos1d_wherewasi multi pairings E, 4k

Summary: Luke was very horny but all he had in the hotel was lube while his roommate was with the rest of the band as they ventured in the city. So while Luke wants something other than his fingers up his ass he searches the room and finds something.

Hearts Pounding (ao3) - notonguexwithbutt michael/luke M, 7k

Summary: "Michael realizes he’s blatantly staring at his friend’s mouth so he finally tears his gaze away and returns it to Luke’s eyes. When they meet, Luke is staring right back at him and something in Michael’s stomach tightens and flips. He clenches his jaw, smart enough to know that that’s not a normal feeling to get for your best friend. That’s the feeling he got in high school when a girl he liked actually felt the same and kissed him after school one day.

It’s not a feeling he should have about his best friend."

Luke feels sad in the middle of the night so he goes to Michael for comfort and decides to finally take a chance.

Height (ao3) - iCheeseYou (EHkook) luke/ashton M, 12k

Summary: “I may be shorter than you, but I most certainly do not bottom.”

i am a pale imitation of a boy in the sky with a cap in his hand and a knot in his tie (ao3) - antisocialhood michael/luke N/R, 8k

Summary: It's just, Michael likes Luke and Luke likes how good Michael is at sucking him off.

It's a hell of a feeling though (ao3) - thenewbrokenscene michael/luke M, 58k

Summary: [AU, actor/model Luke and musician Michael]

After a recent scandal and the subsequent publicity nightmare, Luke Hemmings doesn't need any more trouble. He's just trying to enjoy his best friend's birthday party. But who the fuck invited Michael Clifford?

I've Seen My Neighbor Naked (ao3) - orphan_account luke/calum, michael/luke, luke/ashton E, 18k

Summary: Luke is a porn star. Michael runs across two videos of him with Ashton and Calum two really famous porn stars. When said boy moves into the house next door will feels come out?

Looking In Your Eyes And They're Burning Fire (ao3) - fourdrunksluts luke/calum E, 8k

Summary: Luke doesn't think he's very good at sex, so Calum helps him practice, and maybe learns a few things along the way.

Promise (ao3) - paperstorm michael/luke E, 5k

Summary: The whole world has this really bad habit of wanting to hit on Luke at every available opportunity and Luke has an equally bad habit of not being aware it’s even happening and flirting back accidentally because that’s just his permanent setting.

something of you (ao3) - theonlyreason michael/luke M, 5k

Summary: Out of all the three, Luke had always considered Michael the closest to him. He never felt uncomfortable about the way Michael flicks his ear randomly, pushes him a bit too hard in interviews, headlocks him on their way to the stage where most of the time, he could swear he felt a muscle tear, stuff like that. It was a playful manner. Luke had always seen that in Michael, and for some ironic reason, he felt safe with it. But things start to get weird after Luke had the most erotic dream involving Michael, and he enjoyed it himself.

tell me what your worst fantasies are (i bet they look a lot like mine) (ao3) - orphan_account ot4 N/R, 8k

Summary: :+: or where Luke has twisted fantasies and the boys have twisted minds:+:

That's Money, Honey (ao3) - senioritastyles luke/calum, ashton ofc E, 22k

Summary: "Excuse me?" Calum calls, gesturing for the bartender and waiting for him to come over before continuing. "Who is that, over there? The boy on stage."

Michael doesn't even have to look, already smiling and nodding as he tops off Calum's already half-gone whiskey. "That's Luke." Michael explains and Calum nods, sipping at his whiskey again as he watches Luke dance, body swaying fluidly in front of several men dressed pretty similarly to how Calum is. "He tends to attract the uh, black card crowd." Michael says, handing Calum back his own black card.

Or: Calum makes Luke his sugar baby.

To The End (ao3) - antisocialhood michael/luke N/R, 2k

Summary: It was always 'je' this or 'vous' that and Michael was lost; he couldn't hold a conversation with the French exchange student if his life depended on it and he honestly wanted to scream because he'd taken like six years of the damn language and Luke was really fucking hot, and Michael deserved to be able to communicate the fact that he wanted to fuck the boy into next month. Really, was it that much to ask for? He didn't think so.

Or, the one where Michael and Luke fuck on the couch, and Luke speaks french the whole time.

Two, Two, Four (ao3) - orphan_account ot4 N/R, 9k

Summary: "So, let me get this straight. You...want to have a foursome...tonight?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow at Calum.

or the one where Calum and Luke seduce their boys into a foursome.

wet dreams are the best (ao3) - Emma_Davis680 michael/luke N/R, 1k

Summary: Michael hears Luke having a wet dream and decides to help him out a bit. Resulting in Michael taking Luke's virginity.

[unofficial-sean]

Life kinda, like, passes you by so quickly. Once moment a college student is popping your cherry--you can’t really feel your body, it’ll ass tingly and light headed--and now you’re approaching your mid-twenties and the gravity of everything sets in; the finite nature of life, the warped film of time and memories, and latent nature of firsts.

When I was 17, I dreamed of where I’d be now, but where I am is so far off the mark. I can’t even bottom, i don’t have a place of my own, my career is fragmented, and worse of all, I’m so alone in this struggle.Not only did I fail to achieve my goals, I’ve become a different person; alien to who I was when all I could thin about was getting railed and moving out of my small hometown.

Not that those were good admirations, but I’ve just completely lost sight of who I wanted to be. I’m so lost and there’s no guidance. As loathe as I was to accepting it, I had so many resources in high school. There were people there willing to help if i just had the wisdom to accept it. But now here I am.

in three months, I’ll be 24. Another year passed and I have still not achieved my goals. They’re not even possible, now. And that should be fine, but part of me still wants that. Part of me still wants to get railed and have people over and live a more risky life. But all I can do now is top at best. Maybe I work some job. Gets me enough to survive and pay for my ROV research on the weekends. That’s all I have left.

I recognized that working for the Army was soul sucking,and so I’ve got multiple interviews in the private sectors for electronics work. But I jsut know it won’t give me purpose.

Everyone says “be yourself and you’ll find your people.’ But when I do that, I’m always alone. If I go out to the ocean with my ROV, who will saunter on up and take interest? How to I meet my people when all I do is solitary? I fantasize that someone asks what I’m doing, and I explain that I’m observing sharks, and they get interested, and I show them how to use the ROV controller, and l et them explore and focus on the marine life that catches their eye, and we form a friendship. But in reality, everyone on the shore is focused on their own things.

There is no guide anymore. There are no resources. I can’t figure out which side of me people like, and I can’t even get brief sexual gratification anymore.It seems whoever I am, personally, professionally, romantically, and sexually, is so undesirable. Even though I’m being myself. I fell so stuck.

I can’t stop crying. The life i wanted was robbed from me,and the best i can do with my circumstance is not good enough. I don’t have the personality of a dominant top. I’m a subby bottom that can’t bottom. I like myself shaved and lithe but toned. And that’ fine for a bottom, but not for a top. I can’t fit any space. I’m just this malformed creature,

N one wants to talk with me. N one matches my passion. I don't’ even care if it’s unrelated to my interests. I can spill about all there is to know about sharks, and I’ll never meet someone with that same spark for anything. Am I overwhelming? Am I dry? None of this shit gets spilled when I talk to people; it should come up when I  talk to my therapist, but my therapist is only available for one hour every two weeks. She’s never there when I need her most.

It’s not your responsibility to comfort me. My therapist would likely just tell me to focus on myself or whatever. I’ve been doing that. All the advice there is to give, I’ve heard.

I don’t think I’m inadequate. Inherently, I like myself. If I could clone myself, we’d get alone. But I really struggle to understand why other people don’t seems to like me. Whether it’s at a glace, after an interaction, or after months of friendship. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I never get an answer.,. I get ghosted. I get left to pick up the pieces and form my own conclusions. All that’s ever done is force me to be harsh to myself; to self criticize; to pick myself apart before I can put myself back together.

I’m not perfect. I struggle to understand socialization. I can’t tell wish face people want to see. I’m too afraid to make compliments or advances because I can’t tell if what I’m saying is charming or harassment. When I keep to myself, no one gets in. When I push too far, I’m reprimanded. I long for a space where the words I say are not taken with such dire nature.

I want to be soft. I wanted to be feminine and womanly. And maybe i still can. But how many people really, truly want a feminine person to top them? How many people want to truly put  up with infodumping and the sensitivities of an autistic person? What can I even do to form connections when my messages are never read?

There is no guide. No help. I could have died today, and I’d have died without ever knowing a woman’s touch. Without ever feeling that delicacy. I’ve had men, sure, but that I’ve never felt; not intimately. I could have left this world without ever having touched a shark. Or left being a research paper. The only person who’d really miss me is my dad, And he doesn’t really know who I am.

I make my intent known and I wait. but how much waiting must i do before I recognize the reality and let it go? I am who I am. And I’m going to sleep.

[cherrypieships]

i think he knows

A/N: for the prompt 'first kiss' with Steve. slight tw for alcohol and underage drinking!

Ship: Steve x Mel (s/i)

Summary: It's not that she isn't happy to see him, really she is. It's just that Steve, handsome and funny and compassionate as he is, can be a little distracting.

The fan propped up on the counter is the only thing keeping Melody alive right now. 

It’s officially summer in Hawkins, and while she usually adores the season, the heat in Rush Records is so sweltering that she’s almost ready for school to start up again. While pretty much every other aspect of being in senior year would suck, she’d welcome a cool autumn breeze with open arms. Plus it’d give her something to do.

The store is abandoned today, as it’s the first weekend of the community pool being open. Charlie and Piper had asked if she’d be joining them poolside, but she’d picked up an extra shift at her manager’s request. So she’s stuck flipping through a copy of Rolling Stone with her face shoved in front of the rickety old fan she hauled in from her garage. 

The bell above the door sings a little ditty as someone enters. “Hey, how’s it going?” She calls, not even looking up from the Cyndi Lauper interview she’s enamored with. Not that she’s super into Cyndi Lauper’s music, but the girl’s got spunk that she has to admire. Writing a song about masturbating and getting a Rolling Stone interview out of it was pretty punk shit.

“You greet all your favorite customers so warmly?” 

Mel’s head snaps up, attention officially caught. Standing in the doorway, a shit eating grin on his face, is Steve Harrington. “Oh, it’s you,” she remarks, softer than she means it to come out.

He strides over to the register, sets a coffee down in front of her. “What, I can’t visit my best friend at work?”

“I’m your only friend and you know it.”

“My best girl, then,” he amends, then pauses as he thinks about what she’s said. “And that’s not true, Nancy and Jonathan are my friends.”

She rolls her eyes affectionately. “You barely talk to them, weirdo.” Finally faced with something more stimulating, she flips the magazine closed and straightens, pulling her shirt down where it’s rode up over her stomach.

Steve leans against the counter, making himself right at home in her workplace. Then he grins at her, that wide, wolfish grin that has her chest feeling light and airy. “Why would I need to talk to anyone else when I have you?” He purrs, equal parts charming and annoying. 

“What are you doing here?” Mel asks. It’s not that she isn’t happy to see him, really she is. It’s just that Steve, handsome and funny and compassionate as he is, can be a little distracting. She doesn’t mind it most of the time, when they’re at the roller rink and he keeps trying to teach her how to spin, or at the diner down the street where he’ll toss fry after fry at her face trying to land one in her mouth. She welcomes him usually, in all his silly, boyish glory. But it’s different when she’s at work.

Steve shrugs, pushing the coffee he’d brought further towards her. “Thought you might want some caffeine.” Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows she shouldn’t be surprised by this. He has a penchant for dropping things off to her when they can’t hang out. Coffee, books, food, her lyric journal. She has a suspicion that all these gestures are inklings of his loneliness, but that’s something she’ll never tell.

She picks up the cup, turns it around in her palm. “Steve, you didn’t have to do that,” she says, then, “thank you, though.”

He blows a raspberry. “The coffee shop was on the way. Hope they put enough cream in, I know you like it light.” A hand runs through his hair, shining golden brown in the lights of the store.

Melody takes a sip, the rush of roasty sweetness splattering across her tongue as she does. It’s perfect, unfortunately. “I actually did need a pick-me-up,” she says. “You didn’t get one for yourself?”

He shifts on his feet. “I didn’t really want one.” He admits, a hand reaching out to fiddle with the cord of the fan where it’s plugged into the wall, the twisted wire evidently a source of displeasure for him. Or maybe a distraction. 

Her fingers find the magazine, shove it across the counter at him. “You gonna hang around?” She asks, hope lacing the corners of her words. Fuck it. Rush wasn’t here, on pre-summer vacation with his wife and baby boy, and she was the only employee here until her shift ended in two hours. Who was gonna tell her to get back to work?

Steve grins, his big almond eyes sparkling. “Can I?” 

She shrugs, trying her hardest to maintain an air of nonchalance. “Sure, I don’t care,” she lies. She wants him to stay so she can keep looking at him.

He taps a hand against the counter, straightens with a big crooked smile, a look in his eyes that says he knows she doesn’t mean it. “Show me the newcomers,” he demands, and shucks off the gray-blue windbreaker he’s donning- revealing a beautiful stretch of golden skin over toned arms. He’s wearing the cutest, dumbest sage-colored polo, the collar a stark white that she wants to tug on. 

Mel rolls her eyes, pulls the bins out from below the front register that house the new arrivals, fresh off the truck this morning. She’s yet to put them away, opting to save them for the last hour to make it look like she’d been working when the closer comes in later. “I dunno how much of it’s your taste, honestly. Bunch of metal, some Neil Diamond… I think we got that new Bob Marley compilation album.” Her fingers dance across the hard plastic spines of the new cassettes, catching when she spots a blackened one with Violent Femmes written in thin writing. “Oh, shit, I didn’t even see these.”

Steve digs a big hand into the bin, fishes out an eyesore of a tape with a scoff. “What do you mean, not my taste? You got the good shit right here.” He flicks the cover to make his point, then shakes his hand out when he realizes how hard the plastic casing is. He’s so cute she could punch him.

She stares pointedly at the album he’s holding. “Big Bananarama fan, are you?” 

He visibly bites back a giggle. “Absolutely.” She can’t tell if he’s kidding, but she can tell from the next heave of his chest he’s about to start singing.

“Oh, please no-”

“It’s a cruel, cruel, cruel summer,” he croons, “Leaving me here on my own.” His shoulders rise and fall as he makes up a little dance. 

Mel puts her hands over her ears, tugs her face up into a forced grimace.

Steve doesn’t relent, instead grabbing the stapler beside the register and turning it into a makeshift microphone. “It’s a cruel- it’s a cruel, cruel summer, now you’re gone,” he looks at her deeply, eyebrows twisted into an expression of profound longing. “You’re not the only one!” Ever the performer, he launches into a series of scat sounds that are probably meant to represent the instrumentals. 

She swats at him. “You’re horrible. Evil.” He has such a gorgeous voice, even playing pretend. 

He cackles, sets his microphone-stapler back down and finally gives in. “You should be thankful, you know. Girls all over Hawkins would pay big money to hear this beautiful voice and you’re getting it for free.” 

It’s funny, his ego, so big and so small at the same time. He switches like railroad tracks between braggadocio and self-loathing. Sometimes it’s all wrapped up in one sentence. There are no girls licking at his heels right now, at least not that she’s seen. But there were, and he knows it. And she can’t tell if he’s being boastful or bitter. “Okay hotshot, do you see any tapes you like or should I put them away?” She says instead of voicing this.

The boy puffs his cheeks up as he thinks, then grabs a tape and turns it over with careful hands. “Jonathan said I’d probably like The Cure, what do you think?” He stares down at her.

She shrugs, takes the tape from his warm fingers. “Maybe. It seems a little um, sad? For you, I think. Too introspective, you know?” She glances up at him, where his eyes are squinting, visibly confused. “Uh, he sings about like, his depression a lot. Mental stuff.”

Steve hums. “What do you recommend, then?” 

Her heart leaps in her chest. She rifles through the cassette bin for a moment, pulls out another tape and shows it to him. “I think you’d like The Bangles. Pop with a little punk-rock edge, I’d say. Oh, and,” she grabs another tape, this one a bright colorblock mess. “Try The Go-Gos. They did that song a couple years ago, We Got the Beat? They’re pretty good.” 

The way he looks down at her, with his sweet brown eyes and petal pink lips, makes her self-conscious for a moment. But he takes the albums, sets them down on the counter next to the register like he didn’t even need her explanation, he would have taken them anyway. “What else you got? Wheeler asked me to grab her something good.” He moves a step to his right, looks into the bin of vinyls now. 

They spend a good hour like that, until she’s perched on top of the counter sipping contentedly at a lukewarm coffee while he flips through the pictures inside of an older Fleetwood Mac vinyl he’s grabbed off the Best-Sellers shelf. “What time does your shift end?” He asks, not looking up at her. 

“Four-ish.”

Steve places the vinyl back on the shelf, moves down to the rock section. “Are you busy tonight?” He pulls up one of her old favorites, and she kicks away the urge to say so. “My dad opened the pool and they’re out in Indianapolis for a few nights. Should be quiet if you want to hang out.”

She thinks for a moment. On one hand, she knows she’ll be dead tired after work- getting up at 7 o’clock this morning and surviving off a lunch sandwich and a coffee is going to catch up with her soon. On the other hand, Steve Harrington in swim trunks. “Sure,” she says, and while she hopes it’s nonchalant, it’s hard to hide her feelings with him. “I have to stop at my house to get my bathing suit though.”

He grins. “I mean we could always skinny dip-” she whacks his shoulder. “Ow, relax, I’m fucking with you.” His fingers go for the hem of his polo shirt, tugging the collar away from his skin. 

“Do you want me to bring anything?” She thinks of potato chips, bottles of cola, phone calls to her dealer for a fresh supply. 

Steve waves them all off. “Just yourself is fine. I have food and sodas and stuff. Unless you’re craving something specific.” He says.

Mel’s lips twist, and she shrugs. “I don’t think so. Maybe I can sneak a bottle of wine?”

He slaps a hand against the countertop, joy and mischief breaking over his face like an ocean wave. “There we go, perfect.”

The doorbell chimes for maybe the fourth time all day, and Mel has to literally tear her eyes away from his mouth to see Tiffany walking in the door, her hair perfectly teased and silver bracelets clinking as she hauls her purse higher over her shoulder. She blows a bubble of pink gum between glossed lips and shoots the pair a grin. “Hey Mel,” she says, making a beeline for the back room. 

Melody grabs Steve’s wrist, turning it toward her to see the face. “Jeez, Tiff, forty-five minutes early is a new record for you,” she calls, fingers lingering at the edge of the watch strap where his skin is warm. She can smell his cologne this close, powdery and musky and mixed with a strong soap that lingers on him. When she straightens, he’s looking down at her, face blank.

Mel can hear the thud of Tiffany’s bag hitting the counter as she sets it down. “I want that overtime!” She yells back. When she rounds the corner, she’s still smiling, though her eyes are more focused on Steve now instead of her coworker. “Hi Steve. God, has it been like this all day?”

“Kinda, yeah,” Mel affirms. “There’ve been like three customers total. Literally everyone is down at the pool.” The first person had been a woman picking up Muppet Babies on cassette for her kid, the second an older man who bought a Bing Crosby vinyl and said almost nothing to her. The third was Steve, who has still yet to buy anything and is more nuisance than customer. 

Tiffany wraps a finger in a puffy blonde curl that lingers by the nape of her neck and rolls her big gray eyes. “Why are we even open? Rush knows the place is gonna be, like, completely abandoned.” She turns then, sets her sights on Steve with a wide white smile. “I mean, except for you, apparently.”

Steve leans back, elbow braced on the counter that Melody still sits on, and she braces for the suave comeback he’ll gift her coworker. “Had to bring this one her caffeine fix,” he says instead, nudging Mel’s thigh. “And you need to ring me out.”

She does just that, filling Tiffany in on the chores she’d completed and the ones she hadn’t as she bags Steve’s purchases up for him, slides them across the counter in exchange for the twenty he crumples into her palm. “And I finished the new arrival cassettes, but the vinyls still have to be shelved, so if you don’t mind helping me with-”

“Oh my god,” Tiffany laughs. “No way, you’re not staying. It’s so dead, Mel, go home. Enjoy the sun or something.”

Steve nods, pointing to the blonde in agreement. “Yeah, Mel, enjoy the sun or something,” he teases. The idiot would do anything to get her out of working.

The plastic bag in her hand crinkles sharply as she shoves it at him. “You sure? I can stay and help if you just want, like, an extra set of hands,” she offers, legs already itching to walk out the door. 

Tiffany, sweet as she is, tears her gaze from Steve’s naked arms to respond. “I think I can deal. Go have fun.”

She does, piling into Steve’s passenger seat with another round of thank-yous aimed at her coworker. They make a pitstop at Mel’s house, with her making quick work of changing into her bathing suit and sliding a black sundress over it, and Steve making quick work of finding her parents wine collection and sneaking an older bottle that’s half-empty and collecting dust- an expert choice of something that won’t be missed. Mel clomps down the stairs in strappy sandals and slides a pair of sunglasses onto her face. “Ready when you are,” she announces.

Steve turns away from where he’s staring at family pictures stuck to the fridge with letter magnets. They’re old ones, pictures from her life back in Chicago before they’d even met. The magnets are even older, bought from a general store when her mom still thought they’d be having a third kid running around. He glances down to her exposed legs, quick enough that she almost misses it, and then nods. “Let’s kick it.”

___

Mel slides her legs into the pool, watching as Steve flips over and starts doing an impressively smooth backstroke. Her wine glass is still halfway full, his empty by her side. Despite it being well past five o’clock, the sun is still glaring down on them, baking her skin and illuminating the crystalline pool water. She takes another sip of the wine before it starts getting too warm to drink.

Honestly, the wine isn’t even that good. It’s a red, which she guesses is why it’s so bitter, and the taste cloys in the back of her throat, like bad fruit. But it smells delicious, and she feels elegant drinking it, and her body is starting to feel a little lighter, so maybe it’s worth it. She takes another swig, grimaces at the taste again, and sets the glass down. 

“Wow, you really don’t like that stuff, huh?” Steve observes from the deep end. He’s squinting at her to keep the glare of the sun out of his eyes.

Mel raises a hand, tilts it back and forth in a so-so motion. “It’s not bad. Also not good.” She adjusts the sunglasses on her face as the sweat on her nose guides them down. Thank god for sunglasses, she thinks, watching shamelessly as he swims over, shoulders flexing under the water and summer sun. 

Once Steve makes his way over, he lifts himself up onto his arms on the pool ledge, face tilted up to look at hers. He makes full eye contact as he picks up her wine glass and takes a deep sip. She would be mad if the stuff wasn’t so gross. “You don’t have to keep drinking it, you know. I can finish it for you if you want,” he says. His eyes are honey-brown and glossy.

She shrugs, kicking her feet out in tandem. “No, I’ll finish it. Definitely gonna be my last glass, though.” 

Steve sets her wine glass down on the ledge. “Are you coming in or are you just gonna sit on the edge like a loser?” he asks next. 

“Why, you wanna play mermaids?”

“How do you play mermaids?”

Mel tries to scoff, but it dissolves into a laugh halfway through. She can’t help it, he’s so earnest as he says it. “There’s no like, rules, Stevie, you just pick a tail color and be a mermaid.” She tilts her head then, thinking. “You have this huge pool and you’ve never played mermaids in it?” Logically, she knows he’s a boy and his parents probably wouldn’t have encouraged him playing something as soft and feminine. But the wine is blurring her thoughts just enough that in her head it seems like a crime to go your whole life without playing mermaids.

A laugh racks his shoulders, and he hangs his head. “We got this pool put in when I was 14. At that point the only games Tommy and I were playing in here were ‘who can kick the other in the balls the hardest’ and trying to drown each other.”

Mel slides down off the ledge and into the pool with a cool splash. Her elbow glances off his shoulder on the way down, and he reaches out to steady her. “That’s so fucked up,” she says, taking her sunglasses off to set them down beside her drink. “Like, I’m sad for you. You deserve to be a beautiful mermaid,” she giggles, pushing the wet hair that’s flopping over out of his eyes. They glow like warm pools of honey in the sunshine. Summer is his season, she thinks; the way the chlorine fits him like clothing and the scent of sun tan lotion suits him better than most colognes. 

The pink on his cheeks is no sunburn then. “Okay. Well, I call dibs on a green tail. And a pet dolphin,” he says, starting to float on his back away from her. 

She drifts after him, humming. The water feels cool and soothing as it kisses her bare shoulders, but her stomach is still covered in goosebumps from the temperature change. “Okay. But I get a purple tail and a crown of shells.”

Steve glances over at her. “Are you the mer-princess?”

“Sure,” she smiles. 

He nods, visibly swallowing a laugh. “And I can be the stableboy who watches after the seahorses.”

“The seahorses, yeah.”

There’s a second of silence, barely even a pause for Steve to take a breath, and they’re dissolving into a joint fit of laughter. She watches him through heaving breaths, the way the tension melts like snowcones from his neck and freckled shoulders. His mouth is full of saltwater pearls that glint in the light. He’s so pretty it’s stupid. It’s making her stupid.

He’s always been pretty, though. It’s not a revelation. The wheel hasn’t been reinvented. She thinks, distantly, that it would do her good to quit acting like she’s the only one who’s ever noticed how wonderful he is- empathetic to a fault and warm like sunlight and pretty like a sunshower. 

Instead of staring any longer, she swims her way over toward the deep end, where Steve had tossed a matching set of pool noodles, and grabs the pink one. “You know you saved my life inviting me over today,” she says.

He squints at her again. “What do you mean?” 

“I was literally cooking alive at work,” she says to the clouds. “If you weren’t there I would still be sweating my balls off.”

“Your balls.”

Mel nods. “My balls!” While he laughs, she grabs one end of the pool noodle and submerges it, feeling as it fills up with water. “I’m serious, Tiff’s nice but she never lets me go that early. If you weren’t there I probably would have just stayed ‘til four,” she admits, only feeling a little bad about her devious plan to douse him in pool water.

“What does me being there have to do with that?” He asks, the idiot. “Seemed dead enough she would’ve let you go anyway.”

She squints, trying to decipher if he truly hadn’t read the situation the way she had. If he was so focused on the prospect of getting to spend the day with her that he’d ignored the glances, the soft lilt of her coworker’s voice. “Um, because Tiff has a huge crush on you? She was trying to look cool and like, laid-back in front of you,” she explains, pool-noodle-cannon forgotten.

“What?” He shakes wet hair from his forehead, exposing row after row of fawny freckles, little spaces where the sun has kissed him a second too long. “You don’t know that,” he counters.

Mel balks at the assertion. “Oh my god, Steve, yes I do,” she laughs. “She had the most in-love face I’ve ever seen. I’m honestly shocked you didn’t catch it.”

“You’re jealous,” he says, face blank. There’s no teasing, no accusation. He states it firmly, the way he’d say the sky was blue and the sun was hot.

She scoffs at first. “I am not jealous,” she wades closer to him, squints in the sunlight to see his face. “First of all, Tiff isn’t even my type, and second-”

“No, you’re jealous that another girl was giving me attention,” he takes the pool noodle from her hands, disarming her. “It’s kinda cute, actually.”

Instead of fighting against him, she lets her hands idle weaponless by her sides. She doesn’t say anything for a good few seconds, just watches him float closer and closer, her brain feeling oddly like a melted snowcone, all the sugar and lemon ice dripping out her eyes and ears. “What?” Is all she can muster when her thoughts slam back into her body. 

Steve’s hands come gently to her elbows. “You’re talking about in-love faces like you aren’t making them at me,” he lilts.

Blood rushes to her face. “You’re being mean.”

Just like that, his face softens. “I’m not being mean, Mel, I’m just tired of playing pretend,” he admits, and wades back, a hair more space between them. The distance is suffocating her. “I didn’t notice she was flirting with me, honest. Was too busy looking at you.” He tugs at one of the longer curls that frame her bangs.

The syrupy thing in Mel’s chest starts hammering out a rhythm. Yeah, maybe in her subconscious she knew he had a thing for her. Lingering kisses on cheeks and oft-settled lunch tabs were the tip of the iceberg. The fact that he saw through her, though, was what had shocked her. A cool façade years in the making torn down in a few sentences by a boy who had once asked her how to spell earring. He’d seen the cracks and found his way to her interior at the first chance. 

Or maybe he wasn’t some huge mastermind, and she was shit at keeping secrets from him.

“You called me cute,” she notes. She allows herself the wine-fueled pleasure of touching his arms. His skin is cool from the water, and yet her touch is what makes goosebumps break over it.

He smiles. “You are cute.”

And then he’s leaning down, brown eyes entirely too focused on her mouth. It’s innocent in the most soul-crushing way; a slide of his top lip down her own, slow and deliberate, encircled by a warm embrace and controlled by a hand that cradles her jaw. He’s sweet and honey-tasting, like wine, like snowcones, like summer, and she breathes deep, inhaling it all. It goes straight to her head. She’s not used to being loved so softly.

When he breaks away, it’s not far, just enough that she can feel his breath fan warm over her cupid’s bow. He comes back again, mouthing at the seam of her lips until she blooms for him, accepting the sweet slide of his tongue like communion. He ends it with a kiss to her nose. It makes wings flutter in her stomach. “Do you want to maybe go inside?” he asks, half sheepish and half suave and all Steve.

She pulls out of his grasp, stretches out to float on her back. “Later,” she promises, and a shiver runs through her. “The day’s still young, babe, let’s play mermaids.”

[kelsendeavor]

Alright, I really don't want to work on these essays anymore, so this is a brain break to share The Fuckshit.

Job Stuff: Company A got back to me to say that the absolute earliest I can interview with the studio head is Wednesday, and though they hope to have decisions this week, it may bleed into next. Obviously, this is not ideal because Company B (didn't hear back from what I was calling Company B, so the previous Company C is Company B again) wants me to respond to their offer by tomorrow. I tried to reach out for them to push for more time and they shot me RIGHT the fuck down and told me they needed to move on if I can't make a call tomorrow, so I guess that settles that. I have to sign on and hopefully not burn too many bridges, especially with Ellie, if Company A does hire me if I have to pull out. Fuck this uncertainty, fuck this bullshit, fuck this industry for robbing all the possible joy out of what could be a dream come true. Fuck.

School Stuff: Realized, with 9/10 of my essays for SC1 written, that what I had thought were word maximums were actually character maximums. Because I'm a stupid fucking piece of shit. It explains a lot, but basically requires re-writes, which absolutely sucks eggs. But I've now got three of them done (the new one I wrote to the word count, plus two more) and am on track to finish the next seven over the next two days without too much slowdown. But still, fuck. I planned for this to be a light work day and was planning to spend the afternoon watching a dang movie.

Assorted Pluses and Minuses: Minus, I am, indeed, sick with what appears to be a fairly mild cold, but still a cold. Plus, I took my Zep for the first time in a month and I feel it working but not making me sick, hooray! Minus, holy fuck, the election stress. Plus, I got my vote in the mail! Every ballot counts, or whatever, even though it doesn't. I just have to hope for the best. Minus, Oscar is barking his head off for literally no reason and I'm trying not to walk him again until 4:30 to get him on board with Daylight Savings Time. Another minus, Daylight Savings Time. Plus, The Penguin was so good and made me cry this morning. Sofia Falcone, I'd do anything for you. Minus, it feels very much like she's set up to lose in the end, and if that's handled poorly, it will ruin the whole show for me. Plus, I get to go back to my house tonight (!!!) and watch Justified with my friends (!!!!!). Minus, it'll take me a full fucking hour to get there, if I'm lucky.

Minuses are winning today. They will probably win every day until all of this chaos is over-- I'm settled in a job, my grad school apps are done, I'm back home with the dogs out of my care, the election is over (ideally with the right winner), I have money, and can get eight hours of sleep a night.

I can get there. I know I can. I just have to hold on and muddle through.

[tillytalk]

Alright, I really don't want to work on these essays anymore, so this is a brain break to share The Fuckshit.

Job Stuff: Company A got back to me to say that the absolute earliest I can interview with the studio head is Wednesday, and though they hope to have decisions this week, it may bleed into next. Obviously, this is not ideal because Company B (didn't hear back from what I was calling Company B, so the previous Company C is Company B again) wants me to respond to their offer by tomorrow. I tried to reach out for them to push for more time and they shot me RIGHT the fuck down and told me they needed to move on if I can't make a call tomorrow, so I guess that settles that. I have to sign on and hopefully not burn too many bridges, especially with Ellie, if Company A does hire me if I have to pull out. Fuck this uncertainty, fuck this bullshit, fuck this industry for robbing all the possible joy out of what could be a dream come true. Fuck.

School Stuff: Realized, with 9/10 of my essays for SC1 written, that what I had thought were word maximums were actually character maximums. Because I'm a stupid fucking piece of shit. It explains a lot, but basically requires re-writes, which absolutely sucks eggs. But I've now got three of them done (the new one I wrote to the word count, plus two more) and am on track to finish the next seven over the next two days without too much slowdown. But still, fuck. I planned for this to be a light work day and was planning to spend the afternoon watching a dang movie.

Assorted Pluses and Minuses: Minus, I am, indeed, sick with what appears to be a fairly mild cold, but still a cold. Plus, I took my Zep for the first time in a month and I feel it working but not making me sick, hooray! Minus, holy fuck, the election stress. Plus, I got my vote in the mail! Every ballot counts, or whatever, even though it doesn't. I just have to hope for the best. Minus, Oscar is barking his head off for literally no reason and I'm trying not to walk him again until 4:30 to get him on board with Daylight Savings Time. Another minus, Daylight Savings Time. Plus, The Penguin was so good and made me cry this morning. Sofia Falcone, I'd do anything for you. Minus, it feels very much like she's set up to lose in the end, and if that's handled poorly, it will ruin the whole show for me. Plus, I get to go back to my house tonight (!!!) and watch Justified with my friends (!!!!!). Minus, it'll take me a full fucking hour to get there, if I'm lucky.

Minuses are winning today. They will probably win every day until all of this chaos is over-- I'm settled in a job, my grad school apps are done, I'm back home with the dogs out of my care, the election is over (ideally with the right winner), I have money, and can get eight hours of sleep a night.

I can get there. I know I can. I just have to hold on and muddle through.

[quinntheqslur]

Alright, I really don't want to work on these essays anymore, so this is a brain break to share The Fuckshit.

Job Stuff: Company A got back to me to say that the absolute earliest I can interview with the studio head is Wednesday, and though they hope to have decisions this week, it may bleed into next. Obviously, this is not ideal because Company B (didn't hear back from what I was calling Company B, so the previous Company C is Company B again) wants me to respond to their offer by tomorrow. I tried to reach out for them to push for more time and they shot me RIGHT the fuck down and told me they needed to move on if I can't make a call tomorrow, so I guess that settles that. I have to sign on and hopefully not burn too many bridges, especially with Ellie, if Company A does hire me if I have to pull out. Fuck this uncertainty, fuck this bullshit, fuck this industry for robbing all the possible joy out of what could be a dream come true. Fuck.

School Stuff: Realized, with 9/10 of my essays for SC1 written, that what I had thought were word maximums were actually character maximums. Because I'm a stupid fucking piece of shit. It explains a lot, but basically requires re-writes, which absolutely sucks eggs. But I've now got three of them done (the new one I wrote to the word count, plus two more) and am on track to finish the next seven over the next two days without too much slowdown. But still, fuck. I planned for this to be a light work day and was planning to spend the afternoon watching a dang movie.

Assorted Pluses and Minuses: Minus, I am, indeed, sick with what appears to be a fairly mild cold, but still a cold. Plus, I took my Zep for the first time in a month and I feel it working but not making me sick, hooray! Minus, holy fuck, the election stress. Plus, I got my vote in the mail! Every ballot counts, or whatever, even though it doesn't. I just have to hope for the best. Minus, Oscar is barking his head off for literally no reason and I'm trying not to walk him again until 4:30 to get him on board with Daylight Savings Time. Another minus, Daylight Savings Time. Plus, The Penguin was so good and made me cry this morning. Sofia Falcone, I'd do anything for you. Minus, it feels very much like she's set up to lose in the end, and if that's handled poorly, it will ruin the whole show for me. Plus, I get to go back to my house tonight (!!!) and watch Justified with my friends (!!!!!). Minus, it'll take me a full fucking hour to get there, if I'm lucky.

Minuses are winning today. They will probably win every day until all of this chaos is over-- I'm settled in a job, my grad school apps are done, I'm back home with the dogs out of my care, the election is over (ideally with the right winner), I have money, and can get eight hours of sleep a night.

I can get there. I know I can. I just have to hold on and muddle through.