#I realized how triggering it would be to go to psychiatrist / therapy appts with my brother

[disorderly]

.......

[nudeooddude]

I feel so much guilt. (unedited stream of consciousness rambling inside don’t bother)

Guilty for not continuing a relationship with my father for the last eight years, and did not rekindle one before his recent death. even though it was not healthy for me and he was not healthy and has not been since then . and he stopped talking to me not the other way around though I highly doubt he was aware of that past the instance it happened. 

guilty for being affected  by him, for not being healthy enough to convince my mother that at least one of her children isn't fucked up. 

guilty for not being home in CT to help her get through my sisters emotional struggles and adhd diagnoses and depression/anxiety, and my brothers inability to get out of bed or get any sleep because of his depression/anxiety. 

guilty because mom tried so hard to do what she thought would be good for us, tried to take us out of the house when she though he was dangerous but also tried to paint him in a god light so that we could try to have a relationship with him because she knew the good he used to be capable of even if that person was basically gone as soon as his illness kicked in. 

guilty for not remembering the good times I had with him as a child because I know they were there, I used to have pictures but i lost that zip drive and had to spend the last 8 years only remembering the bad things to try and decrease the devastation i felt at abandoning him and now the memories are just lost. 

i know from all the things people said about him pre illness that he was such a good and kind and smart and charming person i mourn for the person he could have been had he gotten treatment for his ptsd and add and bipolar and paranoia etc... but the system failed him and i failed him and i cant even serve his memory with any kind of integrity because i tried to protect myself through repression and like, who knew, that doesn't work! so now I don’t remember, and and i’m still fucked up. cool/ 

And I honestly thought I was chill and fine about all the dad stuff until I finished reading Buffering by Hannah Hart and read her account of finally being in a place where she could do more for her mother and attempt to get her treatment. unexpected trigger to a full day of tears and all this ish. I didn’t realize how much i had still been hoping that I would get to do that for him. but its too late and now i have to live with that. 

additional thoughts:

I don’t think I've ever fully trusted anyone since childhood. for their protection from my crazy, for my protection from them not being able to live up to my high expectations. because my poor impulse control leads to saying hurtful things in the name of humor. I am terrified of rejection, reacting defensively and angrily at the drop of a hat to the smallest slight. 

i recently thought i may have properly diagnosed myself with adhd and might have a structured path through my executive dysfunction and constant feelings of failure at least in certain areas of life so I've been doing a lot of reading and it was all hunky dory i managed to make a psychiatrist appt for this coming week but now I read one thing that said that most adhd symptoms can also just be symptoms of emotional trauma/abuse whatever and like... that could be me too. and now I am terrified to the point of feeling like i should cancel this appt because they are going to laugh me out of the office, politely of course, because i’m just a silly internet kid trying to diagnose herself and failing. 

also work is scary and dumb and im not good enough and i shouldn't have taken this stupid position and im a terrible friend because i’m constantly isolating myself and like... im sure some people are used to that by now but my workk frinds from my last job have been texting me trying to get together for two months and i cant get back to them because conversations are scary and were actually not similar at all and we don’t have work in common anymore so its probably going to be super awkward and i DON’T WANNA but i don’t want to hurt them and there is no solution to this. 

not to mention the college professors who i asked for recommendations and them never spoke to again or the grad school apps i didn’t finish or the missed therapy appt from 4 weeks ago that i forgot about and now feel so guilty about it i haven’t called to reschedule. or he house i’m living in that i do nothing to contribute to except leave messes fucking everywhere and use too much electricity. its great. living the dream, .