#I read them when I was really going through the peak of my friendship crisis

[megamcm]

How am I supposed to sit here, sleep even, knowing that Percy Jackson and I have both called our moms in the middle of the night crying about how we have no friends and we want to go home. How am I supposed to sleep knowing Percy Jackson and I both have said “I think I finally made some real friends” only to be betrayed and hurt by them in the end. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE knowing Percy Jackson and I both deep down feel like we’re broken. FUCK.

[anxietywriter]

Blank Slate

if you don't know, i'm lowkey obsessed with the idea of characters that dress flamboyantly or alt, basically anything outside of the mainstream or what you would usually see. Anyways i'm obsessed with the idea of them getting to discover that they like a style that most others wouldn't. Or of them having to dress down in front of certain people. the angst potential.

so before they start dressing how they want. the anxiety they feel when shopping with others that don't know what they like or their style. only really feeling safe or comfortable enough to pick out a few graphic tees. they can't really go shoe shopping because nothing really appeals to them enough but they're literally deathly afraid of picking out something they genuinely wholeheartedly know they'll love.

i feel like there is at least one sexuality crisis when they see someone, online or in real life, wearing the style that they like because their heart just soars seeing them, literally obsessing over how they look. only to see more and more of that style and realize, oh. i'm not really in love with the people, i'm in love with the aesthetic. god the angst potential... would also be peak aro i'm just saying

i need people that dress out there, i need to read a fic about them hyping each other up, getting each other dressed up, helping with their makeup or ironing their clothing for a night out on the town so everyone looks flawless. i need them doing each other's hair. or going out shopping together, picking out different things that they like or that the others would like. tbh i need this in general but i love the little friendships that form between people when they like each other's clothing.

can you imagine? how lonely and anxious they would feel at first, finally dressing the way they want to? like everyone's staring at them, judging their change in style. the feeling of regret and anxiety sinking their stomach. and they just have to hope, that after a while, they'll get used to it. they'll learn to not care, to be comfortable in their own skin.

i think it'd be funny if a group of friends was looking through a year book and being like, "haha that person has the same name as you. where are you in the book?" and the realization that that's their friend. and the past them and present them just look so wildly different it's unbelievable. it'd also be super wholesome imo bc they realize that their friend feels comfortable enough to be themselves. y'know, all that sappy feels

people that maybe have designer clothes or relatively expensive clothing (like $60 jeans or hoodies or shirts) that they absolutely LOVE and TREASURE and would DIE FOR. It's like hoarding treasure for them. And, the TRUST, the RESPECT when they lend out that clothing item to someone they're close with. because it's so symbolic of trust, an item that they treasure so much, that usually isn't out of their sight, that they spent what they consider a considerable amount of money for, and they let you have it for a little while. even with how possessive they are over it.

i need characters that wear capes. i need the dramatic swoosh. y'know that one tiktok trend where it was like "my ex is coming, hide me" and they fucking put both arms around your head and get really close? yeah imagine that except they're hiding you under a cape, crouched down and incredibly close. i need their cape to flutter behind them as they leave, for them to trip on it a little and hope no one else saw that, like... help

[ladyyatexel]

I Went On A Manga Binge

So you don't have to

For those of you who have wisely avoided the shreds of it I've left around the blog thus-far, I had some weird notion to go re-experience Yu-Gi-Oh uuuuuh a week ago? We'll go with that. Time is meaningless.

I'd been able to read a good portion of the early manga at the end of highschool, and somewhere in my stacks and stacks of paper is fanart from this dark time, so you know I cared. I also still own a Dark Magician action figure somehow, so. I'd also watched a large portion of the anime with my brother because it had been laced with some kind of crack and we couldn't look away? I remember when we both were just like shit, wait, don't change the channel, I can't stop looking at it. And the next thing we knew we were waiting for new episodes and I was doing research on the Japanese original because I was that kid.

Anyway, unnecessary backstory out of the way, here are some... let's call them Observations and Consequences of having read somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 chapters (and growing) of a manga primarily hinged on card games from a spectrum of sources ranging from boringly lawful to sketchy as fuck.

Surprise actual character that develops in typical shounen fashion being Jounouchi. My limited experiences with the 4Kids dub and only early manga had not painted him in a particularly good light. I don't know if episodes were being aired out of order or if I had just missed the ones that established that he was making shit up as he was going along, but Wow I liked him a lot more going through the manga than I ever did watching the (dubbed, heavily edited and censored and thrown into a slurry machine) anime. I'd managed to come out with the impression that he was just as reasonably experienced with the game as Yugi back in the day. Wild.

I'm now reading every single comic-style post on Tumblr backwards.

Striking inverse to first point, wow, I don't like Seto Kaiba. Though he gets points for his general philosophy of the future, and the line I read in my sketchy online combo of scans and scanlations in which he said, "If God is in your way, you run him down," was Metal As Fuck. I somewhat shame-facedly admit to enjoying him a lot more as an Abridged Series character. (I watched Abridged as it came out back in the day! The experience of watching the anime with my brother had been so fresh that I got all the in jokes about the way things were edited and dubbed, it was great. Series remains influential part of my life to this day, which is hella weird.)

I almost understand how Duel Monsters works now. I don't want this.

That said, wow a lot of the decisions made in the anime made everything a lot more ridiculous than the admittedly already ridiculous original. I got the distinct feeling in the manga that the Duelist Kingdom stuff we were seeing was designed to be used and exploited in ways that don't make sense in an actual cardgame just played on a table like a normal person and this was part of testing everyone to think higher, differently. Maybe this is obvious to everyone already, I don't know. I had always liked that it was very, 'Not so fast, I'm going to blow up the moon to change the tides,' but I'm not really sure the anime gave enough explanation that this was an extra layer added to things for that event? You can see people actively getting used to it in the books, and people who aren't considering the real or 3D nature of it getting owned, but my memory of anime version is everyone just like, 'oh, shucks, fuck me, I forgot to consider the phase of the moon before i played this card, can't believe I forgot.' No one calls Yugi on any of this stuff because it's valid play in that situation. Plus Yami Yugi had mad trickster energy in the beginning and it suited him to think of ways to do things inside these little simulation boxes the way it suited him to set perverts on fire. I imagine the real card game trying to emulate this element as something that would be to its detriment, but I neither know nor particular care haha

Ryou Bakura.

Really, though. I think he became kind of casualty of 'wow, we have a lot of characters who really aren't able to do anything in this story anymore,' despite the fact that his whole inner life could have been as interesting as Yugi's. I always like thinking about the possibilities of stories in which main character falls into magical world and is given magical item and told they're the hero and then they find out they've been the bad guy the whole time. The first several volumes of manga were about the quiet weirdo kid that no one talked to who was always blacking out and turning into a fucked up version of himsef because he was so attached to his ancient Egyptian jewelry, so like, Bakura could have much the same shit going on. I want to know what's happening with him so much. He clearly doesn't love being possessed, but he's also so drawn to the ring. Despite it having stabbed him at least twice and him knowing it's a danger to him and his friends, he keeps being pulled back into it. You see so much more of him being like, 'Oooh, a creepy thing, I love that! :D' in the manga than ever in the anime, which I'm all about. Also more blood. I'm very about that as well. Though my memory of the anime also made it look very much like normal regular daily Bakura was just a weird facade in places before he ever would have been. I think that was it trying to compensate for what people didn't see from the Toei anime, but okay whatever, that I love everything about this guy is not news, I don't need to talk about Bakura excessively here, I'm pretty sure that's gonna show up on my blog by itself

On a related note though, damn, more of these people need to talk to each other. Can we have some existential crisis support clubs or something. Can we get like some apologies or something? "I respect you as a duelist." "Cool, but you literally built a tower designed to specifically assassinate me and my friends? You were supposed to get Better after I retaliated by putting you in a coma, but you kinda didn't." "Why would the coma have made it better" "I just told you it didn't" ---- "Sorry I went along with the plan of your evil parasite stabbing you, misled you, and then also jumped in and took up some real estate in your head too." "I understand, I also have an evil thing inside me that does things while I'm blacked out." "...no, I was conscious for all of that." "Oh." "..." "..." "..." "Do you like Ouija Boards?" "sure okay" ETC. Like damn we are reading shounen manga because no one is talking extensively about their feelings here and I'm tapping my foot angrily.

Holy shit there are so many mythologies happening at once. The ancient family guarding the Egyptian Pharaoh has a surname that's a Mesopotamian goddess. None of the god cards make any Egyptian sense except Ra, and just like. Baaarrrrely. Somewhere either Evil Ring Bakura or Mar/lik makes a reference to cremation and spirits being taken to heaven with smoke which several things, but definitely not Ancient Egyptian. Marik/Malik meanwhile is clearly trying to head Arabic, along with Rishid, but then, hey, our sister is just Isis. Goddess McGoddess. Sometimes they're the same goddess! Her name could be Isis Isis or Ishtar Ishtar. Meanwhile, all the obviously 'occult because Christians think it is freaky' stuff. ~ancient egyptian pentagrams~~~This isn't a complaint, I guess so much as a 'Wow, I can kind of see the cultural spot the author was coming from and where he was aiming' kind of thing.

Wonder where things would have gone if the card games had not been latched onto the way they were.

Managed to forget how gross the pre-cardgames stuff was on the sexual harassment front. I'm glad there was a sort of explanation of everyone drifting away from being dick heads and that that decision was made. It got way more comfortable to read after no one was bringing Yugi p*rn on VHS.

Yugi looks better with a nose, glad we got that upgrade.

Interesting to watch the series style shift as it goes away from being horror to being over the top cardgames and friendship (with blood!). The first picture of Mokuba is fucking Jarring. Also noticed that the nicer a character is, the less their teeth are defined.

Glad manga did not go as completely off the fucking the rails about Marik's face. I never got as far as seeing him back in the day because college occurred, but I remember seeing pictures and stuff and being like, "what in the Fuck happened to that dude, I think the house style has collapsed in on itself"

Things the author Really Likes: motorcycles, belts, SHOES, holy shit the shoes. These are some of the most lovingly rendered sneakers I've ever seen. All the detail on his characters goes straight to their feet and then it's stretched upward until it forms stiff peaks. Gently fold in 3000 years of trauma and bake face down in a crumb coat of scattered mythology. Remove when you roll two zeros.

Where the fuck am I going to put the extremely large omnibus volumes of this comic I purchased in order to balance out how much I would be reading for free on the internet. I should have grasped that a three in one edition would be Thick and yet somehow I was still :O when it arrived. Have I strategically purchased volumes that contain my favorite parts, maybe, what's it to you will i eventually get the whole thing because incomplete book series gnaw on my soul? yes

Wish the transition from "I've murdered several people in delightfully karmic ways" to "all you need is friendship in your heart and cards in your hand" Yami Yugi/Pharaoh had been discussed more/transitioned better. Buddy, where did you get this approved for television high horse? Please go back to strangling people with yo-yos or at least tell me why you stopped.

I still can't tell anything that looks like a big robotic monster apart from any other big robotic monster. My dude, I can't tell cars apart, all these monsters look the same.

Yami Yugi fascinated me way more in highschool? Maybe because it was still super early and the anime was like 'we need to torture you about his origins WeEkLy. Now I'm just like 'wait hold on, can we go back to Bakura and Marik for a minute, there's some extreme unpacking to do here?' Those two are paying so much more in baggage fees here my guy wow

Violently uninterested in any of the spinoff media

[spuffybot]

Walk Me to the Graveyard

Summary: Buffy walks through the graveyard alone at night, contemplating the past few months following the fall of Sunnydale. She reflects on her relationship with Spike, her friendships, and her future before receiving a shocking phone call.

Characters: Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Spike (mentions of Giles, Xander, Andrew, Kennedy, Faith, Wood, Angel, and Fred)

Warnings: Some adult language

Word Count: 4515

Author’s notes: If you read this, thank you. I’ve been chipping away at it for the past few weeks and I’m just glad I was able to finish something I started. “Ghostface” is a reference to the Scream movies, which Sarah Michelle Gellar had a cameo in. The high tea spot with the egg shaped bathrooms is Sketch, a place I didn’t get to visit this year due to the pandemic. I hope you all have a safe holiday season and new year. Hopefully I’ll finish the second part of this story in 2021.

Walk Me to the Graveyard (part 1)

Buffy’s joints creaked as she stood up from her crouched position. She’d been staking out this grave (no pun intended) for hours and dawn was slowly approaching. In the last few minutes the air had started to change, and she could hear the telltale rustling of birds in the trees. If this vampire was going to rise, it wouldn’t be tonight.

Stretching her arms up over her head, she rolled out her stiff shoulders, feeling strangely relieved by the lack of action.

Buffy had been coming to this cemetery every couple of nights for weeks, sniffing out even the barest hint of vampire activity. Technically she could have assigned graveyard duty to any of the Potentials, but she craved the silence and the normalcy of the activity.

She chuckled to herself. How far she’d come that she could relish a few hours of graveyard haunting and call it normal. If only her sixteen-year-old self could see her now.

The truth was she was tired. After the fall of Sunnydale, she’d been fueled by an insatiable need to just keep moving. Giles had suggested they hole up in LA and take refuge with Angel Investigations, but Buffy refused. She wanted to get started on rebuilding as soon as possible. They couldn’t afford to waste time in LA, on Angel’s turf, killing time as his sidekicks while thousands of girls woke up with powers they couldn’t explain. So instead the Scoobies had moved to London, taking on the role of de-facto Watchers Council. They’d rounded up the few surviving members of the former Council and had started reaching out to as many activated Potentials as possible.

They recruited the ones they could and provided support (emotional and financial) to the ones they couldn’t. It was rewarding and it kept her mind off things.

Things like telling a man she loved him only to have him choose death over a future with her.

Buffy kicked a crumbling headstone, cursing when she stubbed her toe.

She knew that wasn’t fair. Spike died saving the world. It was a sacrifice she’d made more than once, and she knew how much she resented the people she left behind for not understanding the weight of that choice. She didn’t want to sully the memory of his heroics with her bitterness. She just couldn’t help it. Besides, focusing on missing Spike was easier than accepting she didn’t know how to function now that she wasn’t the “one girl in all the world.” The irony of having an identity crisis over getting the one thing she’d always thought she wanted was not lost on her. She should be grateful that she wasn’t the only Slayer. Grateful that her future was finally hers to shape. Instead she just felt lost.

It didn’t help that everyone around her was adjusting to this new life and mission like they were born to it. Dawn was training to be a Watcher, and frankly, they needed as many as they could get. The Slayer to Watcher ratio had been drastically tipped and it was only a matter of time before things got out of control.

Faith and Wood had stayed behind in America, taking up shop at the Hellmouth in Cleveland. It was weird to think of Faith as the reigning defender of the Hellmouth, but it felt right. With Wood by her side she would stay grounded and on track. He understood the mission better than most.

Giles was in his glory. He’d vetted the surviving Watchers, firing some gleefully and taking others under his wing. Between them they’d established a kind of Watchers Hogwarts, training Watchers by day and guiding Potential Slayers on field missions by night. He was happy, which was something she’d never really seen him be before. Their relationship had taken a hit in the last few years and while she wasn’t ready to forgive him for everything, she didn’t begrudge him his success. Her Watcher had floundered ever since he was fired, unable to find purpose while she and her friends had grown up around him. Seeing as she suddenly found herself in a similar position it was hard not to understand how he’d gone off track. Besides, she’d lost enough people to know she wasn’t going to lose anymore. She’d fix things with Giles, eventually. For now, she’d just settle for on the same continent and on polite speaking terms. 

Xander and Andrew led the Potential Identification and Retrieval Taskforce. They came up with the name. Obviously. They spent their days traveling the world, chasing down leads and giving their best “join team save the world” sales pitch to scared and angry girls.

Buffy smiled thinking about them. The last time they’d video chatted, Xander had looked better than she’d seen him in years. He’d lost the chip on his shoulder that he’d been carrying since they graduated high school. For the first time in his life he was the best person for the job, and he knew it. Trustworthiness and warmth radiated from him and his knowledge of tactics and the cost of the fight lent him an authenticity the girls were drawn to. He never bullshitted or misled them, but he did inspire them. Like he’d inspired all of the Scoobies over the years to keep on fighting.

The sun was starting to peak over the horizon, and a misty fog enveloped the graveyard. She knew she was dawdling but she couldn’t bring herself to rush home. The alarms would be ringing any second now, Potentials and Watchers scrambling to the mess hall for breakfast before a day of study and training.

Technically she didn’t have any classes to teach until the afternoon, but Giles liked the staff to be present in the morning. He said it communicated solidarity and responsibility. Personally, she thought Dawn had just made him watch the Harry Potter movies one too many times.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, but she let it go to voicemail. It was either Willow calling to say she had another hit on the Potential alert locator spell or Giles calling to ask where she was.

Either way it could wait.

She just wanted to be in the quiet for a little bit longer.

That’s what she missed the most about Spike. Having someone she could be in the quiet with. He had always seemed to know what she needed, anticipating her every mood and desire.

She’d never met anyone she could just be alone with before him. He never expected anything of her other than to just be. In this chaotic mess of a life she now led she craved his company and his silence. Since she couldn’t have that she came to the cemetery. The dead kept her company in a way the living never could. The occasional scuffle with a vampire didn’t hurt either. The familiar comfort of a stake in her pocket, grave dust on her shoes, her breath quickening for the thrill of the kill, reminding her that even though everything had changed, some things never would.

Her phone buzzed again.

She frowned, wondering why she couldn’t even get a few hours of peace before the sun was fully risen.

Flipping it open she saw two missed calls from a number she didn’t recognize. No voicemail.

It was probably someone trying to sell her something.

Technically her phone was spelled against telemarketers, but magic was fickle. If someone really needed to reach her, they would call the office and leave a message with her secretary.

God. How had she ended up here?

When they’d first arrived in London she’d panicked. Back in California it had seemed so clear. Get to London, find the Watchers, find the Potentials, save the world. Simple.

Except once they arrived there had been bureaucracy and red tape to get through. The surviving Watchers had needed convincing and playing nice with morons wasn’t Buffy’s strong suit. After one particularly eventful meeting that ended with some snide British dude’s head slamming into a wall Giles and Willow had pushed her to take a back seat on the negotiations. Much to everyone’s shock, she listened.

As soon as she stopped leading she felt a huge weight lift off her shoulders. Without meetings and planning sessions to fill her days she’d found herself wandering the streets of London with Dawn, playing tourist.

They were having high tea at this ridiculous spot with baby pink furniture and weird egg-shaped toilets when it hit her. She could walk away. The Hellmouth was gone, and there were more than enough Slayers to pick up the slack. Her friends would be disappointed but eventually they would understand. As she sat there watching Dawn sample pastries, no fear of imminent death getting in the way of her fun, Buffy couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like. This could be their every day.

They could finish out the summer backpacking through Europe then head home to America to finish school and settle down. She was pretty sure she’d heard somewhere that there were hardly any vampires in New Jersey.

She was so wrapped up in the fantasy that she almost missed what Dawn said as they were walking home to their flat.

“Sorry, what with the what now?”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I said, it’s crazy how there’s this whole world out here and no one was helping keep it safe before.”

“Ummm excuse me, Slayer here, has saved the world, a lot. Even got a nice shiny headstone for my troubles.”

“Obviously but...you were always in Sunnydale. And sure, most of the big bad world endy guys ended up there too but...what about all the other regular level baddies hurting everyday people? I mean, look at them all.”

Dawn stopped and looked around, forcing Buffy to take it all in. The couples strolling along, groups of friends, kids in strollers. The street was flooded with people going about their day. As soon as that sun went down, they’d be joined by all the things that went bump in the night.

“I just think it’s kind of amazing what we’re about to do. For the first time we’ll be able to protect people all over the world. These people will have a chance like they’ve never had before. Like everyone in Sunnydale got because you were around. We can give that to them. I’m just...glad.”

Buffy’s heart warmed even as dreams of running away slipped from her grasp. Dawn was right. This was her calling. She’d find a way to live with it. Normalcy would never be available to her and the sooner she embraced that, the sooner she could start working towards happiness.

At least that’s what Willow was always saying.

Willow who saw a therapist three times a week and a substance abuse counselor twice a week.

After the battle she and Kennedy had parted ways. Their relationship had run its course and Kennedy wasn’t interested in staying on Team Scooby. Instead she took her slaying act on the road, traveling town to town looking for monsters to hunt and people to save. Occasionally she’d run into a Potential and send a heads up their way. She seemed happy. Everyone seemed happy. Buffy just couldn’t seem to find her groove.

Ironically, Willow was the only one to notice how out of sorts Buffy was. Maybe it was all the therapy or maybe it was just that she was more herself than she’d been in a long time, but Willow had become Buffy’s sole confidant these past few months. If she thought about it too much she knew she’d cry. It hadn’t occurred to her how much she’d missed her best friend until she got her back.

At first when Willow tried to reach out, Buffy had been cold and distant. Willow understood, even writing Buffy a letter to explain that she respected her need for distance after the way she had torched their friendship and Buffy’s trust. The letter had melted something in Buffy’s heart. It was the first time Willow had really acknowledged the fact that their sisterhood had been a casualty of Willow’s addiction.

The first time they sat down for coffee together felt like coming home. Willow seemed lighter, more like the girl Buffy had met her sophomore year of high school than the all-powerful Wicca she had come to know lately. She seemed shy, hesitant to take too much from Buffy, a reticence that allowed her to give more than she had intended to when she agreed to meet.

By their third coffee date it was clear that they were going to push through this. When a third turned into a fourth and fifth they decided to just make it a standing girl’s night. Every Tuesday for the rest of their lives.

Last Tuesday they’d finally broached the subject of Spike. Buffy had been dreading this, afraid to pick at the scab only to be met with judgment and condemnation. She wasn’t sure their renewed friendship could handle it. As much as she loved having Will back, Spike was a sensitive spot and she was afraid of how she’d react if Willow said something she didn’t like.

“Buffy, I tried to end the world. What’s a little bumpin of the uglies between former enemies compared to that? I am judgement free Willow of the no judgies zone.”

Willows face scrunched up like it did sometimes when she was trying to find the right words, her nose crinkling and her eyes rolling skyward.

“I just want you to be ok. And if that means loads of tasty mochas and squishy details about Spike sex, I am all ears. I’ve even got marshmallows.”

Buffy saw the sincerity on her friends face and felt something crack deep inside her. She’d been prepared for judgment at worst and stoic acceptance at best. Being met with such openness and warmth took her by surprise and she found she couldn’t hold back anymore. Her eyes welled up and before she could reign it in and full body sobs shook her.

As she cried, Willow rubbed her back and let her get it all out, careful to avoid pushing her to talk. It was exactly what she’d needed to be able to open up.

And open up she did. It was like the levies broke and all the confusion and hurt came pouring out. She told Willow about what happened in the Hellmouth. About her last days with Spike, how he supported her and strengthened her when no one else could, or would. This last part she said without any venom, all her anger and resentment at Willow long gone.

She even spoke about their last night together. How they’d made love in the basement, on that shitty cot. The first and only time they’d ever been truly intimate, Buffy’s walls fully down, her heart totally exposed.

“I know having sex with someone isn’t like, a big deal or anything. Especially when you’ve had sex as many times as we did.”

Buffy cringed as the words left her mouth. The familiar guilt over her physical affair with Spike flaring up.

“No!” Willow exclaimed.

“Buffy no. It is a big deal. It’s like, the biggest of deals. You and sex haven’t exactly had the most copacetic relationship, no offense.”

She smiled apologetically, eliciting a soft laugh from Buffy despite the anxiety that was clenching her gut.

“If you let yourself feel something good with Spike, even just that one time, it’s important. Special. You shouldn’t downplay that. He loved you and you let him show it to you. It’s romantic.”

At that Buffy really laughed.

“God Will. Spike. Romantic.”

Willow laughed too.

“You know...it’s not that weird. Remember when he kidnapped me and Xander? He wanted me to do a love spell for Drusilla. I think he’s always had a romantic streak. In a weird, murdery, vampire kinda way”

Buffy shook her head in amusement.

“Did I ever tell you Spike was a poet when he was human?”

Willows eye widened, and her hands flew to cover her cackling laugh.

“A poet? Oh my gosh. That’s...that’s too good.”

Buffy took a sip of her mocha, relishing the warm caffeinated goodness before adding, “he would kill me for telling you this but, the best part is the whole “William the Bloody” thing? That’s because he had a reputation for being such a terrible poet.”

At that Willow dissolved into full on giggles, hands clutching her stomach

“Ugggggh ok ok, I’m done laughing. Promise. Also why is that so cute? That’s so cute. Little Spike the poet.”

Buffy sighed. “The thing is Spike has this immense capacity for love. Even as a violent serial killer he was still driven by love. It scared me. That he was so willing to throw himself headfirst into love without a shadow of doubt. I’ve never...I’ve never been like that.”

She looked up at Willow, trying to read her reaction. The witch just nodded encouragingly for her to go on.

“I just...I told Giles once that I didn’t know if I could love. I was worried I was broken, like all the slaying made me cold and loveless or something.”

“Buffy, no,” Willow cut in, but Buffy held up a hand to stop her.

“I know it’s not true. I died to save Dawn, to save all of you, weeks after I said that.” Buffy’s eyes filled up again but this time she swallowed it down and wiped them clean.

“He really loved me Will. And I don’t know that I was in love with him but that last night we spent together...I kind of thought that I could be, someday. You know? I wanted him to know that. To know that there was a chance for us. I figured we’d have all the time in the world after...”

Buffy trailed off, suddenly tired. She didn’t need to explain the rest. How Spike had died, believing she’d never love him. How all the time she thought she’d have to figure out if she could evaporated in a burst of fire and ash.

—————————

She’d reached the cemetery gates just as the sun broke through the horizon. Her car was covered in dew, glistening in the hazy morning light.

She still couldn’t believe she had learned how to drive. And on the wrong side of the road! Her mom would die of shock if she were still around.

The thought of Joyce made her wistful. If only her mom could see her now. In her heart Buffy new her mom would be proud of the choices she’d made. She’d encourage her to let go of the past and focus on the future. She’d be overjoyed to know that Buffy had a future now. Sure, it still involved a massive amount of slayage but for the first time in a long time, the fate of the world didn’t rest solely on her shoulders. Her mom would tell her to embrace that and to live this new life to the fullest.

I’m trying mom.

Her phone buzzed again, and this time Buffy yanked it out in annoyance and flipped it open.

“What do you want?”

The silence on the other end only ticked her off more. If it was so important for someone to call her three times before she’d even had a cup of tea they could freaking respond when she finally picked up.

“Hello? I’m hanging up in three seconds if you don’t get all un-ghostface on me and just tell me what you want.”

She heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. Her annoyance bled to curiosity and she willed herself to be patient.

Infusing her voice with a level of calm she didn’t feel, she asked “Do you need help or something? I don’t know how you got this line if you’re not part of Scooby Central but…you got me.”

The silence eked on for seconds that felt like minutes before the caller sighed. Buffy’s pulse shot up, anticipation making her antsy. She shuffled from foot to foot, fighting her instinct to hang up. If this was a Potential calling for help she needed to wait it out.

Finally, a voice broke through the silence.

“Slayer?”

Buffy dropped the phone on the ground, her fingers losing the ability to function along with her brain, which had gone fuzzy and staticky at the sound of the all too familiar voice on the other end of the line.

She stared down at her phone, the call still connected, wondering if she had fallen asleep somehow.

A muffled “bloody hell” came out of the fallen phone, causing Buffy to gasp and jump back. She crouched down low, getting as close to the phone as she could without actually picking it back up.

“Shit. SHIT. Spike?”

The muttering and cursing stopped.

“Slayer…yea. It’s a long story. But yea.”

Buffy felt her limbs turn to jelly and she sat down on the cold gravel, her head falling into her hands. A sob bubbled up from her chest, turning into a laugh that she couldn’t control. She giggled for a solid minute before gingerly picking her phone up and pressing it to her ear.

“How? You better explain yourself right now.” Her voice was edged with steel, anxiety and adrenaline giving way to nervous anger. If this was someone’s idea of a sick joke she was going to get murdery.

She could almost hear Spike roll his eyes.

“Good god woman, can’t I come back to life without brassing you off?”

She bit her lip to stop a smile, not willing to let hope overrule a protective layer of skepticism.

Rocking back on her heels Buffy gulped down the crisp morning air, willing her body to calm down so she could take stock of the situation. Her dead ex sort of boyfriend was calling her…she looked at the phone number quickly…from LA. Ok. She could handle this. She was the Slayer, queen of things that go bump in the night and let’s face it, this wasn’t her first ex to come back from the great beyond. If Angel could do it…Angel.

“Spike, why are you calling me from LA?”

He sighed again and she could picture him rubbing the back of his neck, a grimace on his face as he debated the best way to tell her what was going on.

Despite the rush of anger, her heart warmed at the thought.

“Eh look, I said it was complicated. I just thought it was right. Telling you I was alive. Thought you should know is all.”

Whatever ice had melted in her heart immediately froze back up. No way was Spike going to call her from beyond the grave and then immediately get shady and secretive.

“So, is that your weird dodgy British way of saying you’re not going to tell me why you’re calling me from LA? Where Angel lives? Are you with Angel?”

She heard Spike mutter something to himself that sounded an awful lot like “bloody bint”. She rolled her eyes and stood up, pacing the lot in an attempt to keep her temper in check.

“Yea. Alright yea.”

His voice had changed, his accent becoming sharper, and she knew he was starting to get worked up.

“I’m in LA and I’m with Angel. If you want to talk to him you can damn well call him yourself. I don’t know what I was thinking. Bloke comes back as a sodding ghost, gets himself corporealized by a nice scientist bird and calls his girl up and she wants to know about Angel. Figures.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, not even bothering to interrupt his tirade. She knew he’d run out of steam eventually.

“Are you finished?”

Spike sighed again and Buffy felt the fight go out of her. She sat down on the hood of her car, overwhelmed by the emotions swirling within.

“Yea Slayer. I’m finished.”

Buffy’s shoulders slumped and she laid back, gazing up at the sky. It was going to be a cloudy day.

“How?”

“That’s the million-dollar question love. Seems no one can answer it.”

“Wait.” Buffy sat up; brow furrowed in concentration as she started to put together the various odd things Spike had said so far.

“You were a ghost?”

She tried to picture that. Spike all floaty and haunty. The image made her chuckle, which she quickly tried to suppress.

“Yea, yea, yea, laugh it up. I don’t know if I was a ghost. I was a something. Couldn’t touch, couldn’t feel. Just trapped at bloody Wolfram & Hart with your beloved Prince of Brooding.”

“Wolf ram and what now?”

“It doesn’t matter. Done what I set to do. You know. Guess I’ll let you get back to it then.”

Buffy felt white hot anger burning in her chest. Did he really think he was going to call her up, say hey, and then leave? Maybe forever? Who did he think he was?

“Fine,” she spat out.

“Fine,” came Spike’s huffy reply.

They’d reached a stalemate and Buffy did the only thing she could think of doing.

She hung up.

She stuffed the phone in her pocket, unlocking the car door and sliding into the front seat. She stared out the frosted windshield for a moment before screaming at the top of her lungs. When that didn’t calm the storm she felt brewing inside she slammed her hands repeatedly into the steering wheel. The metal and leather began to crunch and warp under the weight of her blows but she didn’t care. She felt like someone had set her insides on fire. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t cry, couldn’t do anything but scream and rage into the void.

Eventually she ran out of steam. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed but her throat was raw. Rubbing her face she switched into Slayer mode. Something was up and she was going to get to the bottom of it. Cagey Spike and his caginess be damned.

She forwarded the number he’d called her from to Willow and Andrew. Between the two of them they’d be able to trace it and dig up some dirt on where Spike was. As for how he got there, she was going to need boots on the ground. Luckily Kennedy had last checked in from Arizona a couple of days ago. She couldn’t be far from there and she owed Buffy more than one favor. She might not be Spike’s biggest fan, but she would do some recon and get Buffy the answers she needed. Once she knew what was going on, she could show up in LA and punch Spike and Angel in the face herself.

Buffy felt calmer. She had a plan. It wasn’t perfect but it was a start.

She’d let Spike get away once before. This time would be different. She didn’t know why or how but it seemed the Powers That Be had given her a second chance.

She wouldn’t waste it.

—end—

[notsosensational]

This is my classpect master post for Danganronpa 2! It's been a while since my post for the first game, mostly because I was stuck on a few characters (it was much harder overall for some reason), but I'm finally done, god bless. I’m hoping to start and finish V3 soon to work on the next classpect post

Hinata Hajime- Page of Hope

-actively exploits and is served possibilities and positivity. Hope was easy for Hajime, because even though he's more of a "realist" than our other hope players, he's a fantastic beacon of encouragement to the people around him. Somehow he just knows the right things to say in order to lift people's spirits. He definitely didn't start out with much hope himself though. He was bitter and futureless, attending the Hope's Peak reserve course as more of a conciliatory prize than anything. But Chiaki bumped into him and gave him the belief that he's not any worse by not having a talent. And later, he was given a huge opportunity to take part in the "hope cultivation plan". There's a lot of self-denial going on with him, trying not to admit to others that he's only in the reserve course and trying to convince himself that he doesn't care that much, which runs rampant in pages and knights.

Kamukura Izuru - Muse of Hope

-passively embodies possibilities and beliefs. On my previous classpect post with the DR1 characters, I said I didn't do the master classes but I've changed my mind. I'm not going to go back and edit my post but I'm definitely sorting Junko as a lord and Izuru as a muse. There's nothing else he could be. Extreme passivity and preoccupation with personal belief and possibilities (what is interesting, what is boring, is there anything I can't do?). He *is* possibilities in that he has so many talents, he can do nearly anything. Also, this just goes to show that no class, aspect, or title is inherently good or bad. Some might be more inclined to, uh, moral confusion, but we all make our own choices.

Owari Akane- Mage of Life

-actively understands and guides energy and growth. Life seems a pretty solid fit for her, as she's basically grown up overcoming obstacles, metaphorically and literally as she does parkour and gymnastics. Her relationship with food is all about energy and not about quality (... she eats crushed flowers after Hiyoko tells her you get more protein when you crush the food). What really sold me on mage though, was her intuition. She's really noted for her accurate gut feelings; she can tell when someone is strong even when they don't look it and I learned after reading her wiki that in the "ultimate talent development plan" she could sense Mukuro and Maki weren't who they appeared to be.

Komaeda Nagito- Bard of Light

-passively destroys information and fortune. A lot of people say he's hope but while that could fit, light fits so much better. His cycle of good luck & bad luck makes sense as he's drawn to luck as a light player but then destroys it as a bard. Most importantly though, the way he wields information like a weapon to confuse and undermine people really solidifies it for me. Somehow, someway, he always knows (or acts like he knows) much more than everyone around him. His dialogue is endless exposition and self-centered but all his information is given to manipulate people and tear them down.

Pekoyama Peko- Knight of Doom

-passively serves systems, restrictions, and suffering. She serves the system she's always known. She is a tool to be wielded by Fuyuhiko and nothing more. Her feelings and desires are pushed down because there's no point in expressing them. She's very good at what she does though, she definitely exploits the rules she adheres by enough to be called an Ultimate. And even though she doesn't express her emotions, it's clear that her suffering has made her empathetic, as she's respectful and one of the few people who holds basic decency towards Nagito.

Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko- Prince of Blood

-actively destroys through relationships and bonds. He's destructive and he acts like it; heir was the only other class I was considering but he's very active and more into intentional destruction than unintentional changes. Obviously he destroys nearly any chance of close relationships with his classmates, but as a yakuza his job is to use his connections to lead, which often involves tearing down other gangs and ties. And finally, he destroys his only real relationship after Peko is executed after he orders her to kill Mahiro.

Hanamura Teruteru- Maid of Rage

-actively creates rage and limitations. I think maid fits well from the start, as he's a cook and that's all about creation. He definitely inspires rage in people, and the doubt and disbelief of rage is very evident in his constant denial of his surroundings. He created a lot of fear and negativity in himself because he wouldn't settle on believing or refusing what was going on- he needed to know the truth and that drove him to acting out. His insistence on being called "chef" and that he's from the city both fuel a sort of self-delusion that seems to be common with rage.

Nanami Chiaki- Rogue of Blood

-passively steals and relocates relationships and bonds. She is very focused on interpersonal relationships, and not just those centered on herself. To some extent, she's able to connect with everyone including reserve course Hajime, and black sheep Nagito. In the game, she's *really* good at redirecting people. If they're focused on arguing with someone, she manages to turn it around for the better, like with Hiyoko's shrine to Mahiru. She also fits the rogue archetype well, as in the anime she was an outcast in the beginning, and- this might just be my opinion- honestly I don't think anyone ever seriously got close to her as well as they did with some of the others.

Tanaka Gundham- Witch of Hope

-actively changes beliefs and possibilities. Honestly, I could see a bit of everything in him. I think witch fits very well with his aesthetic, but it also fits his choices. Witches are highly active but often off doing their own thing instead of cooperating with everyone; he spent more time looking for his earring than investigating for the first trial. Hope very clearly fits the zany belief system he has, but it also fits in other ways. It's not obvious because of his vernacular, but he has a crazy amount of optimism; he gets regular remarks ranging from "politely shunning" to "outright hurtful" and they never seem to seriously bother him. I view his act in chapter 4 as a grand example of changing his classmates' hope.

Sonia Nevermind- Knight of Breath

-passively exploits and serves through freedom and direction. While she is a princess, she definitely does not act like a prince. Instead she considers her title to essentially be a servant to her people. She isn't above them in anything but position, and she needs to direct them to a better future. She is cooperative and helpful to the rest of the class but not in the healer way a sylph would be, more in the useful motivator kind of way. She serves the team by keeping a composed head and encouraging everyone to stay calm and work towards the goal. She expresses the motivation and direction aspects of breath more so than freedom but it still shows in her detachment from everyone else due to her status. She's never really had close bonds before Hope's Peak.

Saionji Hiyoko- Thief of Time

-actively steals time. I went through several different titles for her in between analyzing other characters. She definitely fits the role of thief with a personality comparable to Vriska and Meenah. Dancing is a time activity as you need perfect timing for a routine, and traditional dancing even more so since it's lasted for centuries. Personally, I think because of her upbringing she is not quite acting as she wants to, and is ghosting the knight of space. She wants to be bold and confident, able to take up the time of others and act meaningfully, but she's hesitating; serving others space to keep them away and is pretending she's more capable than she is. She was kept spoiled and helpless growing up which means she developed the personality and drive of a thief, but not the skills needed for one.

Mioda Ibuki- Sylph of Heart

-passively heals emotions and sense of self. To me she is very clearly a heart player. She's very sure who she is and doesn't mind expressing it, and all of her free time events with Hajime are centered around helping him with his identity. She's friendly and gets along with pretty much everyone in some way, including "Byakuya", Mikan, and Hiyoko; all of which are not so easy to hold friendships with. I think it's interesting how much she likes "Byakuya" considering his constant identity crisis and I wonder if she can sort of sense that. She's loud and she stands out, but she's a pretty passive person concerning her actual actions and mostly helps people individually.

Souda Kazuichi- Page of Space

-actively exploits and is served space. I like space for him; I think the creationistic, physically-oriented, free-flowing structure of space suits his nature well. He's more concerned with the journey rather than getting to the perfect end results, as shown by the examples we have of his machines. One of his inventions automatically draws the lines on a soccer field but it had no stopping mechanism and escaped from the school grounds- it was quite a success to him though! He dreams of creating an incredibly fast bike that he can't even ride and he enjoys every step of the process even though it's taking him a while. He has created an intimidating physical persona for himself by dying his hair and wearing contacts to give him a punk look, but others comment that it doesn't quite match his jumpy, anxious personality. This is on-par for pages, who often feel the need for a mask, because he is now served space by strangers due to his appearance.

Koizumi Mahiru- Seer of Space

-passively guides and understands space. I struggled with her a bit as we really don't know much about her. She's kind of plain compared to the other outlandish personalities and she says she doesn't open up to Hajime as much as she would with a girl. Space is about creation, physicality, location, and enjoying the moment. Her interest in photography satisfied all of those especially with how she views it; she captures pictures of people smiling to create a record of the current moment. She's very level headed and is good at seeing the whole ~picture~ (hehe). She's not a very active person but she's quick to give her opinion and advice if she thinks someone is on the wrong track.

Tsumiki Mikan- Bard of Rage

-passively destroys through negativity and limitations. Rage was easy for her; she's surrounded in negativity and it tends to annoy (and occasionally enrage) those around her. It provides a unique contrast with Nagito, as she subverts the usual motive for killing (hope of getting off the island) and kills only for despair. It is, of course, expected for a bard to flip their lid, but she also acts as a bard before remembering her prior life. She does destroy some of the limitations through the first two trials by providing autopsies when the Monokuma files didn't cut it, and she very clearly represses her own rage at her abusers nearly 24/7. I think it's also worth mentioning that on a fictional level, rage and hope both are often associated with a sort of hand-wavey deus ex machina bullshit which I'd say applies to her ability to retrieve the memories of her past life due to the despair disease, even though it didn't work that way for anyone else.

Nidai Nekomaru- Heir of Mind

-passively changes actions and logic. The English translation of his ability is "team manager", but when he explains his skill, he doesn't focus on teams, he focuses on the athlete themself, so "coach" or "trainer" would be more apt I think. And a trainer is focused on changing your actions, getting you to perform better and better. Despite his loud and boisterous personality, he tends to be pretty level headed. He's able to clearly ascertain what each individual athlete needs to improve and create an orderly regiment for them. It took me a while to decide on heir, but it fits better than any other class I feel, as he does inherit the title from Daisuke, a team manager he shared time in the hospital with who later died, and his personality is similar to the other heirs we know in Homestuck.

Ultimate Imposter- Maid of Void

-actively creates nothingness and secrets. I was originally gonna go with heart because of identity issues, but after reading their wiki because I didn't want to rewatch the anime, most of their issues stem from feeling like they don't exist, feeling like nothing, which is spot on for void. Not to mention they need to keep their secret while impersonating someone, and they have to basically create secrets whenever people ask them personal information about whoever they're portraying at the time. They are made of nothingness, with no name, no background, and they create more of it when providing falsities to their classmates. Even without the pun of "made" and "maid", they're a very kind and helpful person no matter who they're posing as.

[dear-wormwoods]

may I ask for a style fanfic rec list? 🥺🥺🥺

I have a couple of requests for this and I’ve been thinking about how to respond, because to be honest, I very rarely read fic these days. And by ‘these days’ I mean like, since 2014. I always have things I intend to read, but then time goes by and I don’t get around to it. So nothing I’m going to rec is new and you’ve probably already read them fkjds.

Anyway, sorry to be predictable by just being like “read Hollycomb’s fics” but...

The Scenic Route - 116k words, should be rated E for the final two chapters (I literally have no idea why it’s rated T on AO3, it was definitely M when I first read it on ff.net years ago)

Summary: The boys embark on a six day road trip to California before separating for college. Cartman is a pain in the ass, Kenny has no future, Butters is in crisis, and Kyle doesn't know how he'll say goodbye to Stan.

Why you should read it: The yearning. This fic is written entirely in Kyle’s POV, and Holly does such a brilliant job of getting into his head and really capturing that feeling of already mourning a friendship/relationship before it’s even over and kind of intentionally setting the bridge on fire to make what is (seemingly) inevitable hurry along, as if that will make it hurt less (it doesn’t). The first six chapters, the actual road trip portion of the fic (where the T rating actually does apply), are where it is at its strongest, and Kyle’s gradual descent into panicky, angry desperation is painfully real. I can’t stress enough how in character everyone is, each retaining recognizable mannerisms and dynamics from canon while still clearly being grown people entering adulthood. There’s a reason this fic is THE Style fic. 

Leave the Pieces - 251k words, rated E (though that rating only represents a small portion of such a long fic)

Summary: Stan and Kyle meet as strangers in their mid-twenties, shocked to encounter someone else who can't remember the first ten years of his life. They form an instant connection, but only one person in South Park remembers them, and Kenny can't explain why they disappeared or why the rest of the town forgot them.

Why you should read it: It’s a lengthy epic with supernatural elements, a complicated plot that fits right into the show’s universe, and the kind of love that quite literally transcends time, space, and memory. I can’t explain it much further without giving away the plot, but this behemoth is gut wrenching and powerful. It is equal parts a story about Stan and Kyle finding each other as adults and falling in love despite not remembering who they are, or each other, and a deep exploration into Kenny’s character and his curse. Kenny is really the MVP of the story, despite it initially seeming like “just” a Style fic, and his relationship with Wendy is written beautifully and convincingly. One caveat, though: some parts of this fic... I’m not a fan of. I greatly dislike Cartman/Butters just as a concept, and there were times, particularly in the first half of the fic, where I almost quit reading because of their scenes. I also feel like this fic fell victim to fandom’s earlier tendency to mischaracterize Craig as borderline sociopathic (but in contrast, he’s absolutely perfect in Holly’s oneshot Other People’s Tupperware). However, I’m such a sucker for supernatural memory loss not being able to sever soul connections, and Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy’s respective journeys more than make up for my reluctance to stomach Cartman/Butters or other comparatively minor issues. And honestly, everything does fall into place as the plot unfolds, so all I can say is... if you hit certain scenes and think ‘wtf IS this??’, just stick it out, the payoff is worth it, especially if you’re looking for high quality Kenny content.

Amalgamation - 78k words, rated T (but should be rated M imo, because there are sex scenes, though they aren’t very explicit, just intimate)

Summary: In 1862, Kyle's family is forced to move from New York to a tiny mining settlement at the foot of Pike's Peak in Colorado. Kyle is sixteen years old and miserable until he meets Stan, a fellow transplant who has been in town for three years. Their feelings for each other are shadowed by the town's haunted history, and for Kyle the local legends begin to feel more like real nightmares.

Why you should read it: I know ‘1860′s gold mining settlement AU’ doesn’t sound very fascinating, but it is. This is another one that’s written in Kyle’s POV and again Holly does a wonderful job of expressing his emotional turmoil, the guilt and shame he feels, his self-righteousness, and the depth of his love for Stan. Everyone is as they would be if the clock was turned back 150 years, made different by the time period and the demands of their circumstances but still obviously recognizable. The old-timey atmosphere and world-building are so seamless and never feels unrelatable. There are also supernatural/ghost/mystery themes in this one and the fear is palpable.

From the Queen of England to the Hounds of Hell - 170k words, rated E, includes major character death (aside from Kenny)

Summary: Ten years after the execution of Terrance and Phillip, the war with Canada has not ended. Stan and most of Kyle's friends are planning to join the army after high school graduation, bound to be drafted anyway. Kyle doesn't believe in the war, but he's not willing to let Stan go without him.

Why you should read it: This is.... a perfect fic, and I don’t say that lightly. It is quite possibly the ONLY perfect fic I have ever read, in any fandom. I can’t actually describe all the ways in which it’s perfect without giving the plot details away, but, God, if you commit to reading just one of the long-ass fics I’m reccing on this list, make it this one. Please. It honestly makes me mad that this one never got the same attention as like, The Scenic Route, or ‘Night School’ did, because it so deserves to be up there. Only Holly could take the concept of the fucking movie and turn it into a completely devastating, bittersweet, epic romance. There is no caveat here, no ‘I loved it except for this and this’, just thorough, soul-crushing perfection. Just... Kyle. God, Kyle. I can’t elaborate, my heart isn’t up to the task. This fic will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The Ascent of Stan - 32k words, rated E, though it is like 95% domestic fluff

Summary: Stan sells his small pest control company and Kyle thinks they should use some of the money to go to Hawaii, where he proceeds to grill Stan about the mid-life crisis that Stan claims he's not having while their kids frolic nearby.

Why you should read it: This one is everything a domestic fic should be. It basically just chronicles the events of a week-long vacation to Hawaii that nearly-40 Stan and Kyle take with their two kids. This one is written fully in Stan’s POV and it works so well... he’s exactly the kind of dad that I imagine he would be, doing his best to provide for and protect his family’s little bubble and resolving to be better than his father while quietly fighting the lingering shadow of his alcoholism and cynicism. There’s no real conflict in this one, just 30,000 words of a very typical family vacation: not exactly blissful, irritating at times, but ultimately the foundation for perfect memories. 

Never Change - 115k words, rated E

Summary: Thirteen years after his high school girlfriend's pregnancy upended his life, Stan is still in South Park, working with his partner Bebe as a local cop. They're in the process of investigating a series of possibly connected murders when FBI agent Kyle Broflovski returns to town and informs his old friend Stan that this is his investigation now.

Why you should read it: This is equal parts a murder mystery and a romance. It features exactly the kind of Stan/Kyle situation I hate to think about - a decade-long estrangement of their own making that comes to an abrupt end due to extenuating circumstances. It hurts because of how likely it is to happen that way, and it works especially well in this fic because of Stan’s reluctance to embrace his own bisexuality until he’s nearly 30 and Kyle’s tendency to put up walls to protect himself. Also, Bebe features prominently in this fic, which is always a huge bonus.  

Bonus Oneshot Rec:

The Reformation of Fart Boy - 7k words, unrated but probably T, just barely

Summary: Five times South Park has brought Kyle to the brink of sanity and Stan has brought him back.

Why you should read it: I love thinking about the ways in which canon-typical nonsense continues to impact the characters in the long term on a serious psychological level. Kyle has suffered a lot in canon and it’s obvious even in the show that it is gradually changing him and wearing him down, so I really love this fic for focusing on his responses to some of the more traumatic moments, as seen through Stan’s eyes. 

I feel sort of guilty only reccing one author for right now, because there are other fics out there that I liked and am planning on revisiting, but this post is long enough as it is. Chances are you’ve already read some or all of these, but they’re my favorites. I reread all of them while making this list, and they still hit me hard after all these years. 

[finding-fallen-stars]

YGO Questionnaire Part 2 Electric Boogaloo

So, my gf/bf @howaboutalittlehelpneos tagged me to do this again a... good long while ago, and I had wanted to wait until I'd finished my GX rewatch before trying this again. But ouch oof I accidentally also got through all of 5Ds again before getting to this lol

But the 5Ds rewatch definitely reshaped a lot of my thoughts, so... cracks knuckles. This won't be spoiler free, fair warning~

Favorite Series: ugh the formatting killed my original essay on this but okay GX and 5Ds are pretty tied in my book, now-- I love them equally, but in different ways! GX fulfills my love for subversive coming-of-age stories with a heartwarming, humorous, and also soulcrushing touch, and I love how each season brings a new story and new characters-- it's like reading installments of a novel series, and I think the formatting works wonders for it as a whole. It has some absolutely phenomenal character writing, too-- even the characters I dislike are ones I can appreciate for what they introduce to the story! And honestly, not enough people give the first two seasons of GX the credit it deserves: they're half the charm, really. How are you going to feel the full impact of the heartbreaking content in seasons 3 and 4 if you aren't properly attached to the characters?

But on 5Ds's side of things... it fulfills my love for stories with time loops, found family, human nature, and of course, love and death and how they intertwine. I love how the leading characters are just a bunch of broken kids from broken circumstances who all find a home with each other, and of course, how it highlights class disparity and how fucked up the prison/"justice" systems are. Yea, sure, maybe it underwent executive meddling and all, but I genuinely love it for what it is and I wish more people appreciated it... my only problem with 5Ds is the untwist with Z-ONE and then the ending s m h I adore it overall and I could go off for a long while on it. Overall, these are my two instinctive recommendations for anyone getting into Yugioh!

(look at these boys they're so important) Favorite Protagonist: Oh, believe me, absolutely nothing has changed here-- Yusei Fudo is and always will be my favorite protagonist, and my rewatch only solidified that.

I just... love him so much? He's seen so much hell in his life and carries so much guilt on his shoulders, but he still has room in his heart to believe in others and to believe that anyone can defy fate and find hope even at rock bottom. I love that he's initially introduced as this quiet, brooding figure when he really just turns out to be a huge softie who wears his heart on his sleeve half the time and wants to bring about change for Satellite and its people. Plus I just really love that his greatest flaw is something that would ordinarily be a positive trait-- he's Overly self-sacrificial, to the point where he's basically setting himself on fire to keep others warm, and that's not really framed as something Heroic

Just... he makes me so happy. I have two Yusei charms that I ordinarily keep on my keys (one was a gift from Zenzen) and they're a constant source of serotonin for me. He's Peak comfort character for me. Best protag in my book Favorite Rival: Same deal here-- still Manjoume!

look at him he's so important

While he spends a lot of the anime getting the good old damsel in distress treatment (getting suckered into a cult, getting knocked into a coma, becoming a zombie, getting fucking Killed, etc), I still think his character arc is really well-written overall and I only appreciated it even more when I watched GX again. I love the fact that he's got a soft heart he buries beneath the edgy facade, and that he's simultaneously really sharp and also kind of dense lol. He's just a fun character and watching how he evolves from episode one to episode one hundred eighty is such a satisfying journey.

Plus, props to him for being such a versatile duelist-- 50 wins in a row is HARD as is, let alone with a deck full of cards he just found laying around in the Arctic. Three ace monsters, three different archetypes... he's a really good duelist and I'm proud of him for it

Oh, but honestly, I don't really dislike any of the rivals-- I'm neutral towards Revolver and Reiji, but the remaining four (Kaiba, Manjoume, Jack, and Shark) compel me. yes I accidentally wound up liking Jack Atlas shhh Favorite BFF: Honestly, I really like most of the characters who fit this archetype-- Joey, Crow, Gongenzaka, Soulburner... I still lean a little bit more towards Joey, but I really appreciate all four of them. I'm gonna say Joey again, just because I find his evolution as a character the most compelling, but I appreciate the other three a lot. Soulburner has the best design though Favorite GFF: Oh absolutely still Aki, but I honestly... really love most female Yugioh characters? I'm assuming this is lead girls only, but like. I'm dumb and gay and I love Girls so this is naturally the most difficult one for me to answer lol

Aki just resonates with me the most because she's the prime example of how trauma doesn't always manifest in palatable ways-- when we first meet her, she's angry and lashes out at anyone and anything just because she wants the world to suffer in the same ways she's suffered, and then... we get to watch her grow from that, once she's free from Divine and able to heal the way she needs to heal. I know the second half of 5Ds didn't give her character the attention it deserved, but I'm still proud of her for winding up on the path she did-- seeing her channel her power and energy into wanting to heal and help others was just so good and was one of the few things I really Loved about the 5Ds ending.

oh, but like. Asuka Tenjoin and Aoi Zaizen are very close seconds for me!!! Aki just has a vice grip on my heart Favorite Villain: Okay, it's still technically Vector-- I think he's the most entertaining, well-written, and effective villain out of all of the ones we've seen so far, but... I also want to add Takuma Saiou and then all of Yliaster as honorable mentions?

As someone fond of tarot myself, I was naturally pretty intrigued by Saiou the first time I watched GX, but my attachment to him only grew the second time around where I actually got the chance to understand his character better. Plus, like... the visuals with him are fucking astounding and he's always so interesting to watch.

As for Yliaster, I just... really love how the big bad of 5Ds turned out to just essentially be a broken man desperate to save anyone and anything and three robotic reconstructions of the friends he'd lost. I still think the untwist with Z-ONE was stupid and I much prefer the idea of him and Yusei being the same person, but I'm still compelled by the other three-- well. Paradox less so, because we don't get a lot of Paradox lore, but. Aporia and Antinomy for sure.

ugh Yugioh has some damn good villains

Favorite Card: now that I actually play the TCG game...

Stardust is always going to be my favorite of all cards because it checks every box for me (my favorite YGO character's ace monster, space theme, what more could I want), but Aromaseraphy Rosemary has really become one of my aces in my best TCG deck! I'm still mastering irl plays, but I'm happy with my progress and I love my plant gang...

Favorite Episode: alright, here's where there's actually been a Lot of change, so...

Season 0: Episode 16: "Turnabout by a Hair's Breadth - The White-Robed Crisis" -- The more I think about this one, the more I love it; there's a... lot of corruption in the medical industry, and I've seen a lot of it firsthand, so just. Seeing a corrupt doctor get what he deserved at the end was cathartic, in a way? Plus, a Jounouchi-centric episode is always a good time.

Duel Monsters: Episodes 96-97: "Darkness vs. Darkness/One Turn Kill" -- this hasn't changed, I still love seeing Marik and Bakura bitch at each other for two whole episodes LMAO

GX: Episode 152: "Activate Super-Fusion! Rainbow Neos" -- This one hasn't changed and it likely never will-- I take so much pride in seeing Judai push forward, past the fear and guilt he's carrying, all to save Johan... it's cathartic and I never get sick of watching it.

5Ds: sweats. still all of Crash Town, but also episodes 137-147-- the Ark Cradle is one of my favorite parts of 5Ds and one of my favorite YGO arcs period, and even though each duel is a fucking gut punch, I love the emotional intensity and weight in each episode... It hurts but in a mostly good way

Zexal: Episode 143: "The Aloof Duelist 'Nasch': The Destined Final Duel" -- this one hasn't changed! Still hurts, still love it, I still weep over Ryouga Shark Kamishiro on a daily basis

Arc-V: Episodes 81-82: "Our Respective Battlefields/The Ultimate Falcon VS The Black-Feathered Thunder" -- Okay, honestly, this was hard because I... genuinely. really don't like Arc-V very much at all lol (it's just not my cup of tea, but more power to those who do like it!), but I thought this duel was a lot of fun! Shun is my absolute favorite from Arc-V and I really like the friendship he struck up with Crow a lot, so here we are

VRAINS (so far): Episode 25-26: "Virus Deck Operation/Three Draws Leading to Hope" -- honestly I am so biased because I just really love Blue Angel and I loved seeing her get a well-deserved victory like this lol. I'm not done with VRAINS, so this is probably gonna change, but anytime Blue Angel or Soulburner are on screen, I'm happy

Favorite Decks to Use: Aromages will always have my heart, but I adore Cyber Angels too! I'm building my Trickstar deck, my Synchron/Stardust deck (just waiting on Dawn of Majesty...), and my Magician Girls deck, too! Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, XYZ, Pendulum, or Link?: Synchros my beloved... but also Ritual Years in fandom: I've been here for just a little over one year now! and I wuv it... I'm never looking back Who am I tagging: no one I'm too shy

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (10)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 2.8k (this chapter), 32.4k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

They try everything. Sophie handles the cameras and phones while Phil and Chris spend way too long cleaning up files on their laptops and doing what they can to get any clear images out of the mess. It's no use. By the time PJ returns from driving Dan home, all they've accomplished is figuring out that the corruption is on their devices, not on the exported files. No matter what they do, the videos and pictures they took have the effect of being scrambled, like someone has pressed fast forward and also put a noise filter over them. The sound is no better - there's a high-pitched sort of ringing in all of the video and audio recordings that Phil can't understand the source of. Some files won't open altogether.

"How does this even happen?" Sophie mutters, bent over Chris' phone with a furrowed brow. "There's nothing left. Like, at all."

"We still have footage from the first night," says Phil. He's trying his very best to stay positive, but this is unbelievably frustrating. They experienced something last night, even if they can't agree on what it was, and they're supposed to start driving back to Brighton before it gets too dark. They don't have time for this. "With the shadow, you know."

His friends make grunts of irritated agreement. Phil knows that all of them are disappointed and a little angry about the lack of evidence for their hellish night, almost like they went through it for nothing, but he doesn't have anything comforting to say.

Phil has never been very good at comfort. He's good at distracting people and forcing optimism, but seeing such visceral emotions from his usually mild housemates makes him want to retreat into himself. He takes his glasses off to rub at his eyes, fighting off a budding headache.

"That's not really enough for a video, though, is it," says PJ. "I mean, you're not going to convince anyone with just a shadow."

"Well, we can't stay to try and get more," Chris says with a little huff.

"I can," Phil points out. He doesn't think he wants to, really, because this whole situation skeeves him out and going back alone would not help, but he needs there to be a purpose to his friends' suffering or he'll never forgive himself. He stares at his unfocused laptop screen, full of files that don't work, and wonders if they're going to bother to try and stop him. "I mean, you guys all have work tomorrow. I don't have anywhere to be. And I kind of want to see this through, so I can, like… take the train home when it's done."

There's a moment of quiet. Phil feels his shoulders tense at the possibility that he's going to have to argue his way into this. It's his job. Plus, he already knows his parents are going to have a problem with him staying longer to investigate, and fighting with yet another set of well-meaning people is more than he wants to do.

"Normally I'd be like, whatever," says PJ. "You know what you're doing and you do this sort of shit alone all the time. But, Phil, how the fuck do you think the paralysis will work if you're by yourself?"

"I won't try to sleep there," Phil decides, shoving his glasses back onto his face. "That's the only time it's happened, right? When people are already falling asleep?"

PJ's mouth twists unhappily, but he doesn't protest further. Phil wonders if he's actually won this argument or if PJ is just too tired from bickering with Dan about cryptids, or whatever they talked about on the drive. Thinking about Dan is a distraction, and not exactly a welcome one. Phil doesn't know how he feels - or even if he should be feeling anything at all - and he doesn't want to add that crisis on top of the one he's already dealing with.

"So you're just going to go there," says Chris. "Alone. And then poke around and go home?"

"That's what I do in most haunts."

"Fair play. Carry on."

It's almost funny how quickly PJ's expression nosedives into aghast. "What? That's it? You're not putting up more of a fight?"

"Why bother?" Chris asks with a little shrug. "He's a stubborn bellend."

"Hey," Phil half-heartedly protests. His friends don't deign to acknowledge it.

"You should bring a sigil with you," says Sophie. Her voice is soft and tired, but her eyes are kind in a way that PJ and Chris don't bother to be. "Why don't you bring something down that you'd have on you, and we'll all put something on it?"

"Really?" Chris asks. It's impossible to tell what he's thinking. Phil doesn't know if he thinks the idea is good or stupid, but he nods after Sophie does. "Alright, we can do that."

PJ is looking off into the distance while cogs seem to turn in his head. "Something you'll have physically on you, Philly, since we can't put it on your skin itself. Let us draw on your glasses or jacket or -"

"Knickers," Chris chimes in.

"Or your knickers," PJ agrees, far more solemnly than Phil thinks is necessary.

It doesn't seem like it'll actually help, but Phil feels so much affection and gratitude for his friends wanting to protect him in any way they can that he doesn't argue.

Phil doesn't really like the idea of going to the Wilkins place alone, either, but he's a lot more comfortable doing that than dragging his innocent friends along for the awful ride again. He thinks about Sophie's kind eyes staring up at the ceiling blankly, the way PJ gasped when he woke up, Chris trying to hide his own concern about the situation, and he feels his resolve stiffen even more.

Maybe he is a stubborn bellend. This is his responsibility, though. It's not right for him to keep asking for help. Phil lets the conversation flow to what snacks they're going to get for the drive and thinks about how he's going to break the situation to his parents.

--

It doesn't feel as satisfying to shut the door of his childhood bedroom, now. Maybe it's the fact that he's too mature to slam it, or maybe it's that the room itself isn't the haven it used to be. All the neutral colours and boring pieces of art are like a constant visual reminder that his life isn't here anymore.

He doesn't want it to be here. That isn't the problem. It feels stupid if he thinks about it for too long, but he grew up in this house. He's got scars from the sharp corners of the old furniture and more memories than he has in any other singular location. Sure, it makes sense that his parents are retiring and want to downsize from a big, empty house, but Phil really isn't comfortable with this level of change. He kind of assumed he'd always be able to come visit and feel at home again.

Phil sinks onto the mattress. For a long moment, he seriously considers going to sleep. It's barely past seven, but he didn't sleep well this morning. At least if he's unconscious he doesn't need to deal with the crushing weight of his parents' disappointment and worry.

The decision is made for him when his phone buzzes with a notification from Tumblr.

tell ur parents thanks for letting me stay and tell pj thanks for bringing me home and tell urself thanks for the uhhhh experience lmao its deffo not one im gonna forget anytime soon

Phil huffs a laugh and gets comfortable. You're very welcome. I'll tell them when I come out of hiding.

arent you in a very small car on your way to brighton mate… how tf do you manage to hide in there when youre huge

Oh I'm not in the car, I'm still at my parents' place. It's a long story and I hate typing a bunch on my phone. Phil grimaces at himself for the way that sounds, like he's cutting off any questions Dan might have before they ask. He sends another message. Voice call me on Skype or something if you wanna hear about my no good, very bad day.

He doesn't expect Dan to actually call him, let alone immediately, but Phil's phone starts buzzing with a Skype call before he's collected himself enough to find his headphones. He's still detangling while he answers with a sheepish, "Oh, hello!"

"Hi," says Dan. Their voice is low and amused, and Phil can't believe how nice it is to hear after only a handful of hours.

"I'm woefully unprepared, as per usual," Phil rambles, finally getting his headphones in and grinning at the bland wall in front of him. Nobody is here to judge him for it. "You, er, got home alright?"

"Obviously yes," says Dan. "So, you had a bad day?"

"'Cause you had a bad day," Phil sings back to them. The sound of Dan's giggle makes any embarrassment worth it, he thinks. "Yeah, uh, it was rough. So we wanted to look over the footage from last night to see what the camera caught, y'know, but… I don't know how, I don't have an explanation for it, but everything is corrupted. Our audio, our video, our photos. They're all beyond repair."

There's a few moments of silence, where Phil would think Skype had frozen if he couldn't still hear the faint music on Dan's end. Then, "What? You - what? We don't have anything?"

Phil likes the sound of 'we'. He probably shouldn't.

"We tried everything," Phil explains, his heart feeling heavy all over again at the reminder that they spent hours terrified for nothing. "But the corruption isn't even in the exported files, it's on our devices themselves. Chris' phone, our cameras… they're all fucked."

"If you're swearing, it must be fucking serious," says Dan. Phil wants to interrupt then, explain that his policy on bleeping out curses is more about staying monetized and keeping his parents happy than any personal morals, but Dan has already shot past the topic at the speed of light. "So basically we've got no proof we were ever there, let alone that something weird happened - which I'm not saying is some kind of fucking paranormal shit, by the way, but it was weird - and now you've got nothing to make a video with and I never should have told you about this place to begin with?"

"Dan, breathe." Phil waits until he's sure that Dan is at least trying to follow the directive. "It's okay. I'm glad you brought me here. And that's why I'm still in town - I'm going to get more footage."

"Not alone, you're not," Dan says fiercely.

"Peej and the other Scoobs already went home. I just didn't go with them."

"I don't care where your friends are," says Dan. Phil can almost see their hand waving dismissively. "You're not going back there alone. End of story."

The clear insistence in Dan's voice should be getting Phil's back up against the wall. He hates being told what to do with his own projects, needs to be in complete control whenever possible. Instead, he finds himself thinking that it's sweet of Dan to worry like that.

Christ, but he's got it bad.

"I'm still in town either way," Phil says, picking at a loose thread in his sleeve absent-mindedly. "Which my parents are, uh, not thrilled about."

"Really?" Dan sounds genuinely surprised. "They seem like they really love you, mate."

Love has never been the issue. That feels strange to think, cocky almost, but Phil has never really worried that his parents won't love him. Even with the secrets he keeps from them and their fears about the way he lives his life, the worst he's ever expected is disappointment. That just isn't the way their relationship works.

"Oh, they do," says Phil. "But they hate my job, and they think that it's stupid of me to keep investigating a place that clearly doesn't want to be investigated. They believe in ghosts and demons and all that jazz, y'know, they think I'm inviting evil into my life, so they said they'd let me stay here while I work but that we're going to have a 'serious discussion' about my life trajectory when I'm done."

"Ouch. I'd hate that conversation."

"Trust me, it's going to suck. I just got the preview today, and I already know I'm going to want to run away to Iceland."

There's a beat. Then, Dan says, "At least when you're there you can look into the hidden people. You know, the Icelandic elves or whatever that live in a parallel world. That seems up your alley."

"Your mum lives in a parallel world," Phil mutters.

Dan giggles. The sound of it is soft, like they're aware of their own volume, and Phil remembers that Dan lives in some kind of housing with a bunch of other students. He still loves the sound, so much so that he drifts into a nonsensical daydream of making Dan laugh as much as possible and almost misses Dan's voice coming through his headphones again.

"Since you're still in town," Dan is saying, and Phil makes a conscious effort to tune back in, "you should come by the shop tomorrow. I have an early class, but I'm starting work at eleven."

The prospect of seeing Dan again is such a good one that Phil doesn't even hesitate before he's agreeing. It'll be a bit of an effort to get out of bed early enough to avoid his parents and catch Dan for a good amount of time, but Phil feels like it's definitely going to be worth it. He likes Dan, likes being around them if absolutely nothing else, and the ill-advised butterflies in his stomach aren't enough to make him fall on the side of finding this a bad idea.

It isn't until after he's hung up and getting himself a sandwich so he doesn't have to eat an awkward dinner with his parents that Phil realises he's going to have Dan all to himself tomorrow. Well, to himself and to whatever patrons come into the coffee shop. The force of those warm eyes, just focused on him… it's going to test Phil in a way he's not sure he's ready for.

He turns away from the fridge and almost jumps out of his skin.

"Mum," he complains, free hand clutched to his chest. "Don't just stand there, you scared me!"

A smile tugs at Kath's lips, but her arms are crossed and her eyes are staring into Phil's very soul. He feels cornered all of a sudden, like he ought to be clawing for escape.

"Philip," she says, all warmth. There's that slight edge that he remembers so clearly from mishaps as a child, but for the most part it seems like she isn't here to lecture him. He imagines that's going to come from both of them. "This thing that you insist on doing… it's dangerous. You must know that, love."

Phil doesn't actually know that. For the most part, his career hasn't given him anything but boredom and a complex about his own creativity. It's just the odd cases, the ones like the Wilkins house, that get him squirrelly.

"I know, mum," he says anyway. It isn't worth the argument. "But this is my job."

"It doesn't need to be," she presses, and Phil realises that his assumption was very, very wrong. They're going to divide and conquer. She continues like she hasn't noticed the way his whole body is tensing up. "You have such a wonderful mind and loads of ambition, my dear. And that imagination! Gosh, you could do anything that you set your mind to."

Anything he set his mind to - if he actually tried. Phil can hear the words that she isn't saying, that his dad will have no trouble voicing later, and he feels the familiar burn in his throat like he's going to start crying.

He won't. He doesn't cry much, as a rule, but he's well-acquainted with the sensation of holding it back.

"I know that I can," says Phil quietly. He looks down at his sandwich. He isn't very hungry anymore. "Mum, I'm not - I don't do this because I - you know, I like my job."

That's not exactly the truth anymore, but Phil is also well-acquainted with the art of lying to his mother. She doesn't need to know about the doubts that plague Phil, the way that he's felt like he's slogging through videos until they catch his interest properly. That's something he can figure out on his own. He forces his eyes back up at her to drive the point home with a sincere, pleading sort of look.

Her mouth twists, unhappily this time.

"You need to grow up sometime, Phil," she says, so soft that it almost cushions the devastating blow of her words.

Almost.

[shelvesandwhelves]

i'm writing this as i have a little existential crisis, maybe cause i'm approaching in finishing another year of school and getting closer to kinda needing to get my shit together, even though right now i have no idea what i'm really doing in life

so yeah, 2019. you could say an end of an era

this year, to put it short, was a lot of up and downs, new and old friendships, feeling those low lows and those high highs, and maybe i want to take on other mountainous goal just to get my mind off of those low low feeling this year. i was feeling alot of pressure, both personally and familial, which did not do any good to either my mental health or studies, but i'm somewhat hopeful to the upcoming semester, that these will be classes that i'll be somewhat enjoying (tho one class will be absolute hell aha) yet that fear that i’ll fail again. thankfully i have people that we'll be suffering together, making it through, through hell or high water, one step at a time

on a high note, i'm extremely grateful for the good parts of this year. from connecting with people on here through the different gc's i'm in, to messaging and screaming to each other about fic writing, music, or anything else in between. i also made an attempt to make more original content this year, and created a studyblr! which is something i've been wanting to do for a couple years. this year was a combination of all the emotions, and i'm glad to have experienced them all. (mostly).

cheers to the new year, and best wishes to you and your happiness ♥️ 

maci's top 10's of 2019

but not actually ranking them cause i'm in decisive as heck

albums

fine line - harry styles

you - james arthur

a place we knew - dean lewis

malibu nights - lany

when we all fall asleep, where do we go? - billie eilish

lover - taylor swift

divinely uninspired to a hellish extent - lewis capaldi

youngblood - 5sos

when my heart felt volcanic - the aces

you ruined new york city for me - fletcher

films

julie & julia

pulp fiction

giant little ones

the king's speech

the imitation game

your name (kimi no na wa)

about time

get out

saving mr. banks

yesterday

tv shows

twin peaks

sex education

the chilling adventures of sabrina

the good place

demon slayer (kimetsu no yaiba)

the great british bake off

mindhunter

derry girls

the marvelous mrs. maisel

lie to me

(given that this will become a normal thing) i would normally have books on here, but given that i've only read 10 books this year, either comics or rereading harry potter. so i'm not including books with this list, as it would be very short.

s/o to katie @ktrsss1fics​ as i was inspired by her year in review that she does and wanted to do something similar this year :-)

[actualbird]

do u have any advice on writing slow burn....

HAHA im not sure i can give very good advice since i personally dont think ive actually written anything that fits my own arbitrary standards of what a slow burn is (20k+ minimum, excruciating at times, ideally beginning pre-any-romantic-feelings for both or one of the characters). the closest fic i’d have would be ‘is this a forest?’ but i started that one with michael already having feelings for jeremy and implied that jeremy had a lil bit of that too. second closest would be my les mis fics, but the pacing was too fast to be slow…

BUT ANYWAY if im looking at slow burn fics ive read and enjoyed, i guess i can see some patterns. heres some off the top of my head (which by no means are Rules but just Observations. please take everything i say ever with a kilo of salt)

pre-feelings relationship. it’s some good goddamn shit in a slowburn seeing the two idiots interact together without any feelings at first. this could either go disastrously or wonderfully or even both, but getting the bedrock down of why they continue to be drawn to each other is Peak Good Shit. like 10 goddamn chapters of them being really goddamn good friends is wonderful in itself but then u realize the fic is still tagged with the relationship so it’s like MMMMHHMMMM I BE KNOWIN….but also this bit is important because it sets up chemistry. if the two arent even compatible sans romantic feelings, a slow burn will not be enjoyable once u bring the romantic feelings in cuz it’ll feel….forced….as if romantic feelings are the “solution” to a relationship, which is absolute bullshit. you can have rocky starts, of course, but despite those rocky starts theres still gotta be a Something that makes ur characters mesh, be it through gradual development, characterization, plot, etc. the pre-relationship bit is something that sets up all the tools to set things on fire for the slow burn. 

gradual realization of  The Feelings™. assuming your fic doesnt start with at least one character already romantically inclined with the other character, the Realization is really fun to play with. like, feelings are complicated and recognizing them is even harder, so you all have these fun scenes where character A feels tiny fireworks in their heart when they see character B but oh man character A doesnt know why. full spectrum of emotion is free game for this. whoops, character A feels upset, feels jealous, feels on top of the world, all because of something character B did and gosh, what a puzzle, What Could It All Possibly Mean?? i personally enjoy reading about characters who are dumbasses with their own feelings, but u gotta be careful not to overdo it. there must come a point when all the hints come together and theeeen

Oh God, Oh Fuck, Feelings. HAHA the best bit imo. one character has made some realizations, maybe had a little crisis, and now that character has to deal with knowing theyre in love with other character and then, for slow burn reasons, making sure not to let the other character know. all those scenes with Feelings are now Extra Charged With Pining, both better and worse at the same time. also, welcome to the angst zone, because heres where a lot of conflict can happen. character A doesnt want to tell character B for whatever convoluted reason (theyre not good enough, it would ruin the friendship, scared of rejection, etc.), character A may try to distance self from character B, thus leading in Misunderstandings™. add as little or as much angst as u want, just make sure you like, know how to resolve it eventually sdjfhkd which leads to

Resolution. this is arguably the hardest bit because the whole point of a slow burn is to drag your characters’ hearts through the mud for thousands of words, but it all has to come to a head. given all the emotional twists and turns u managed to put in the fic, u gotta make all of that reach an organic end. im shit at endings, so i dont know how an organic end happens, but i do know that it should generally just feel like mostly everything has been taken care of. oh, and that all that slow burning was worth it, somehow. 

last misc thing i didnt know where to include: slow burn means slow, but it should not mean dragging. scenes in stories should contribute to the whole of it. too many pining scenes with no purpose is gonna bog the story down, trust me, ive made the mistake before kjhdsk

i hope this is helpful, anon!! 

[reactingtosomething]

If They Liked This, They May Also Like...

Holiday Shopping with Reacting to Something

stock photo shamelessly lifted from

We know we haven’t generated original content in a very long time, but we wanted to get into the holidays in a way that was more or less on brand. So in the spirit of a Netflix recommendation algorithm, here are some suggestions for what to buy friends and family who liked some of the movies we saw in 2018 (including a couple that premiered in late 2017).

It’s probably obvious, but just to be super clear, the format below is --

If they liked this: They may also like this

Miri’s Gift Guide

The Shape of Water: I shouldn’t say a day pass to an aquarium because it’s a terrible, easy joke BUT I AM WHO I AM.

If you’re not a garbage person, maybe consider the rest of Del Toro’s creature filmography, anything related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or a collection of fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen. Dark and gritty originals, not the tidied up versions.

Call Me By Your Name: NO, I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEACHES BECAUSE EVEN I HAVE LIMITS. APPARENTLY. The book is a lovely, lyrical, tragic read (or listen, if you go with the Armie Hammer audiobook as I did), and I would also recommend giving a gift of solitary artistic pleasure in whatever way speaks to your intended recipient—a CD, a ticket to an art exhibit, a coffee table book of a painter you think they will love. Something beautiful that requires a little bit of space to enjoy privately.

Black Panther: The new Shuri comic! (I am a hypocrite because I haven’t read it yet but it looks so awesome!) Also, there are some choice funko pops for Black Panther, which are a nice, reasonable price and make a great desk or bookshelf addition.

Annihilation: A DVD of Arrival and a book on fascinating genetic mutations. (The photo above is from the first linked book.) Also, tell them about the Twitter account Tessa as Goats, which is a true gift to us all.

Game Night: A murder mystery game! Or whatever game you think most appeals to them, but I personally think the immersive nature of a murder mystery is a true delight. Also, something Olivia the Dog themed because she’s awesome.

A Wrinkle in Time: For the actual child: one of the books published under the Rick Riordan Presents banner.

For the child in all of us: a soothing and/or empowering adult coloring book and some nice colored pencils.

Thoroughbreds: Really cool sunglasses.

Love, Simon: Tickets to the upcoming Clea DuVall helmed queer rom com starring Kristen Stewart and YES this is a request for myself, obviously.

Blockers: Make them a dance music playlist on Spotify!! (Or burn an actual CD for peak nostalgia/those who enjoy physical media.) And if you have some time together, have your own dance party with as many or as few people as you want.

photo illustration by 

Ocean’s 8: LEVERAGE! BUY THEM A SEASON OF LEVERAGE!!! Give them the gift of even more cons and fun!

Incredibles 2: If they are parents: a night out without the children (this could mean a gift certificate or an offer to babysit). If not, try something heroic like these ornaments, or something that helps them learn to be their own hero, like a self defense or kickboxing class.

Tag: LASER TAG! It’s so fun, even if you’re bad at it! Give a gift card or book a session together and enjoy chasing each other around like giant, fun-loving idiots.

photo illustration from

Set It Up: A massage. Anyone who related to this movie too much is likely very much in need of stress relief. Also, a large quantity of popcorn to be eaten in whatever manner they wish with no shame at all.

Hotel Artemis: A Swiss army knife and a couple of airplane bottles of booze.

Sorry to Bother You: An Oaktown t-shirt (I have been told by someone from the area that this is A Thing but I don’t actually know and I’m sorry for that) and a copy of Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

Crazy Rich Asians: Ideally, a whirlwind food tour of Singapore. If that’s not feasible, a Hulu subscription so they can enjoy Constance Wu’s full comic potential in Fresh Off the Boat. And a really nice candle, because it’s a small decadence that can really go a long way.

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before: The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory (if they like a steamy read), tall socks (if they like to be cozy and cute), and custom stationary (if they like to live dangerously).

A Simple Favor: A cocktail shaker, fancy bitters, a really good mystery novel.

Widows: Tickets to go see Widows again because it’s amazing and is probably even more amazing a second time.

Kris’s Recommended Reading 

Wildlife or Widows: The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness

As I say in my Amazon review, this is the best applied ethics text I was never assigned. In fairness to my professors, attorney-turned-journalist Jill Filipovic hadn’t written it yet when I was a philosophy student. Filipovic is also not a philosopher. But she is a brilliant writer and a rigorous thinker, and The H-Spot is fundamentally and explicitly an Aristotelian ethical project. That is to say, it takes the starting position that political organization should be aimed at the goal of human flourishing (as opposed to, say, economic growth). From there Filipovic builds a case, or maybe it's better to say several cases, for specific ways in which American policy fails women and disproportionately women of color in this aim, and concrete ways in which it could address this failure. She does so largely through first-hand accounts of several women across America, in a wide range of socioeconomic circumstances. Although the institutions and less formal systems in play are complicated, the questions at the heart of all this are simple: What do women want? What do women need?

Filipovic asks these questions without pre-judgment, and without assuming that any answers are too unrealistic to consider. Not that anyone she talks to asks for anything "unrealistic." Partly this is because they often speak from too much experience for the unrealistic to occur to them as something they deserve to ask for, but also, the idea that woman-friendly policy is unrealistic is a Bad Take to begin with. Filipovic doesn't need to be pie-in-the-sky utopian to show how things could be much better for women (and by extension, it should but still doesn't go without saying, for everyone).

I left academic philosophy over five years ago, but I really think each chapter (built around topics like friendship, sex, parenting, and food) is brimming with potential paper topics for grad and undergrad students of ethics and/or political philosophy. Whether you’re philosophically inclined or not, if you think “women should be happy” and “the point of civilization is to make happiness easier for everyone” are uncontroversial claims, The H-Spot is the book for you -- and for your friends who loved the several underestimated women of Widows, or Carey Mulligan’s captivating portrayal in Wildlife of a woman doing the best she could within the restrictions of her era.

Black Panther: A Nation Under Our Feet

Though it helps to have some familiarity with the Avengers storylines that led up to Ta-Nehisi motherfucking Coates’s first year on the Black Panther comic -- as well as with the excellent opening arc of Matt Fraction’s Invincible Iron Man -- here’s all that even a new comics reader really needs to know before jumping into Nation: King T’Challa, the Black Panther, was recently unable to prevent several consecutive disasters in Wakanda. Both as a cause and as a result of these disasters, T’Challa worked with the so-called “Illuminati” (Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Stephen Strange, and other intellectual and strategic heavyweights) to prevent the end of the multiverse itself. That crisis averted, T’Challa has returned to Wakanda to resume his royal duties.

Coates takes as a starting premise that Wakanda, the most advanced nation on earth, would only still have a hereditary monarchy if the monarch was uniquely suited as a protector of the people. In the wake of the Panther’s failures in this regard, Nation opens with a rebellion against T’Challa’s rule on two fronts: domestic terrorists with an unknown agenda on one hand, and on the other, former officers of the Dora Milaje (the all-female royal bodyguard corps beloved by fans of the movie) rallying Wakandan women who have suffered great injustices unaddressed by the crown. The leaders of the latter, lovers Ayo and Aneka, are nominally antagonists to T’Challa, but to the reader they’re parallel protagonists. You root for both T’Challa and the Dora Milaje, even though their agendas are in tension, not unlike the way one might have rooted for both Tyrion Lannister and Robb Stark in early Game of Thrones. (Shuri’s around too, though she’s quite unlike her movie counterpart.)

When he’s not fighting or investigating, T’Challa does a lot of soul-searching and debating about his responsibilities as king, the ways it conflicts with his career as a globetrotting superhero, and whether and how the government of Wakanda must evolve. Though Wakanda is too small to be considered a superpower, the domestic terror angle, an interrogation of historical injustice, and the struggle between moral idealism and political reality make Wakanda a proxy in some important ways for modern America. (You may have noticed that Ryan Coogler did this too.) Coates’s meditation on leadership and political power made A Nation Under Our Feet not only a great superhero comic but -- this is not an exaggeration or a joke -- my favorite political writing of 2016.

Nation is illustrated mostly by Brian Stelfreeze and Chris Sprouse, with colors by Laura Martin; some of Stelfreeze’s designs clearly influenced the movie.

Thoroughbreds: Sweetpea

When a clever, mean-spirited would-be journalist with airhead friends learns that her boyfriend is cheating on her, old traumas bubble to the surface and she becomes a serial killer who targets sex offenders. Darkly, often cruelly hilarious, Sweetpea is what you’d get if American Psycho was set in southwestern England and for some reason starred Amy from Gone Girl. Protagonist Rhiannon is a self-described inhabitant of an Island of Unfinished Sentences, de facto Chief Listener of her “friend” circle, and a maker of lists. Lists of the things her friends talk about (babies, boyfriends, IKEA), signs she’d like to put up at work (please close doors quietly, please do not wear Crocs to work), and oh, the people she wants to kill. Like her boyfriend, at the moment. Or ISIS, when news coverage of a terror attack pre-empts her beloved MasterChef.

Author C.J. Skuse smartly chooses not to have Rhiannon wallow in her traumatic past as many superheroes do. We get glimpses for context, but Rhiannon is committed to moving forward, to escaping her demons rather than being defined by them. It matters that she wants to get better, even if she also hates that she’s bought into society’s definition of “better.” (#relatable)

It’s worth noting that Sweetpea leans seemingly uncritically into a lot of dated gender tropes, in Rhiannon’s assessments of the women around her. (Body positive she is not.) Then again, she’s an unreliable narrator -- one of the best demonstrations of this is a scene in which she’s convinced of her ability to fool the world into believing she’s normal, then overhears her dipshit co-workers talk about how unsettling she is -- so arguably we’re supposed to laugh at how terrible she is without necessarily agreeing with her. This is, I think, a perfectly legitimate approach to a protagonist, even if some find it unfashionable.

The book is not quite as thematically rich as it first appears, at least on the topic of sexual violence; it indulges a “stranger danger” picture of rape that doesn’t feel entirely contemporary. (For a more nuanced treatment of rape culture, see the sadly short-lived but wildly entertaining vigilante dramedy Sweet/Vicious.) But as a portrait of a vibrant, layered, genuinely Nasty-and-you-kinda-love-her-for-it woman -- given Oscar-caliber-portrayal-worthy life by Skuse’s wickedly sharp voice -- Sweetpea is too fun to pass up.

Upgrade or Infinity War: The Wild Storm

Castlevania showrunner Warren Ellis helped redefine superhero comics with 1999’s The Authority, which at DC’s request he's given a Gritty Reboot (along with the WildCATS, whom some of us remember from this extremely 90s cartoon) in The Wild Storm. Ellis has always been interested in The Future, both its potential wondrousness and its probable horror. Fans of Upgrade’s refreshingly unsanitized (and unsanitary) take on human enhancement through body modification will find much to like in Ellis’s spin on the trope of second-skin powered armor. (He semi-famously wrote Extremis, one of the comic arcs that inspired Iron Man 3.)

art by Jon Davis Hunt, from The Wild Storm #1

Angela Spica, a reimagining of Ellis’s old Authority character The Engineer, is a cybernetics expert who stumbles onto a sort of shadow government conspiracy related to her employer, and goes on the run with the armor she’s designed for them. (When not deployed, the armor is stored inside her body.) Angela is quickly targeted by multiple covert organizations, one of which rescues (?) her and brings her in on a secret history of technological arms races and contact with extraterrestrials. The Wild Storm is full of big action and bigger ideas, and for smart, generally curious superhero movie fans who find the decades-long continuities of the DC and Marvel universes intimidating, it’s a great entry -- with a blessedly planned ending -- into sci-fi-comics.

Happy holidays, and have fun gift shopping!

[bonearenaofmyskull]

Hey there! I hope you don’t mind me writing to you on this! I have been thinking of the really interesting points you’ve made in the past about Bryan having a very specific way of thinking of queer relationships, where non-sexual/romantic friendships > sexual relationships. I agreed with you and think you explained his views and how they pertained to Hannibal quite nicely.

Disclaimer: I really like Bryan, I find him a kind man who really cares about his fanbase, so my issue has nothing to do with him personally.

But in light of American Gods and his recent public statements about queer representation (which I find truly well-intentioned), I keep thinking “so for him ‘peak’ good queer representation (esp. m/m) is a sex act?” Because honestly there’s nothing else to the AG relationship—no build-up, no real follow-up, just a sex act filmed nicely, but it is *that*, a sex act, even if I understand he aimed to show in a positive light a sex act that has a history of shame and persecution. Yet Bryan keeps referring to that moment as the apex of his career as a gay TV creator and I keep thinking Hannibal, with all its morally dubious subject-matter, was a much better representation of queer intimacy (with all the struggles and fears and shame and wants) than a 10-minute sex scene could ever be (imo).

This all came bubbling up again for me when I read your post—because I agree with you. When Hannibal was on, Bryan idealized the non-sexual homoerotic m/m relationship. Explicit sex acts between Will and Hannibal were never on the table, not during the original 3 seasons, not truly. Intimacy was. Which was beautiful, but did open the door to queerbaiting accusations at the time (maybe still???).

So HERE IS MY QUESTION ( I know, damn this is long): with Bryan’s new tune that ideal gay representation, in his book, can be best exemplified by an explicit shot of anal sex, aren’t we going back to an essentialist frame of mind where a character remains straight unless we see them have sex with someone of their gender? Isn’t the kind of distinctions Bryan is making unhelpful because they reinforce that sex is the be-all and end-all proof of queer identity and thus good queer representation? And ultimately I wonder if he didn’t want Will and Hannibal to fuck because a) he idealized non-sexual m/m relationships; b) making the cannibal gay would further conflate the idea of gay=pathological; c) it just didn’t fit a 3-sesason arc nicely (which you point out and I agree); or if it’s all of the above and the fact he can’t see both these things existing simultaneously: prolonged homoerotic intimacy and gay sex (because let’s face it, I love Marlana, but there’s no build-up, no intimacy either. They fuck, we see it, done, gay wives. Done, moving on). Sorry this is soooo long and perhaps disjointed. I have been writing on queerbaiting and the role of sex & love in queer TV representation and your post just gave me thoughts so I had to write and say “l’d love to hear your insights.”****

My thoughts are these.

1. Bryan never stated (to my knowledge, and I admit I’m not following him WRT American Gods stuff as closely as I did with Hannibal stuff) that a m/m sex scene is the apex of queer representation, but that it was the apex of queer representation in his career (so far). Which, if you look at all he’s NOT been allowed to do, is not terribly surprising.

2. Hannigram didn’t get to come to fruition (no pun intended, I’m so sorry) because it got cancelled, and (probably) because he was directly or indirectly censored or self-censored (through his long series of disappointments prior to making that show). So that, regardless of whether the characters on Hannibal were out or not, the relationship itself was in the closet, so to speak. Enough so that people still deny it, and Bryan even himself called it queerbaiting. It’s kind of like when your friends and everyone important to you totally know you’re queer as fuck, except NBC your parents and casual audiences the people at work. The relationship being in the closet is sort of meta-queer, I guess, but it’s not also terribly surprising that a queer writer would not choose the show that was in the closet as the apex of their queer writing career. 

3. Bryan recently said for the Pushing Daisies anniversary (another show that was flamboyantly in the closet) that the relationship between Chuck and Ned–where one of them would die if they ever touched–was analogous to and motivated by the AIDS crisis. I totally missed this, and the fact that I missed it reminded me that, although I lived through the worst of the AIDS crisis, between being younger than Bryan and being female (and super late to understand myself sexually), it didn’t affect my life or my relationships enough for it to be a part of my sort of mental makeup the way it clearly is a part of his. 

What’s important about this observation is that it reminded me and made me more aware of the complexity that living through the AIDS crisis as a gay man would have on a person. It would make it both imperative to understand relationships that are without a sexual component or are unable to be consummated to be every bit or even more important than relationships that have the luxury of sex, and it would mean that getting to express the joy of unburdened, explicit, shameless, fearless sexual freedom would be likewise of utmost significance.

So that Bryan has criss-crossed the line a few times on this particular issue seems neither contradictory nor remarkable to me. Even though I can’t quite 100% relate to his experience, I feel like I get it. 

[crimsxnflxwerz]

Don’t Want it Troubling Your Mind [bfu fic] -chapter 3

Don’t Want it Troubling Your Mind Fandom: buzzfeed unsolved Pairing: Shane Madej/Ryan Bergara; Shane Madej & Ryan Bergara Summary: Shane Madej really liked Ryan Bergara. He was funny, a joy to mess with, and took his brand of teasing pretty well. He would consider him a friend, kind of. But when the team goes to investigate the Franklin Castle for ghosts, Shane gets more than he bargained for, and the results could cost him his friendship with Ryan. Rating: teen Warnings: Demonic Possession, Existential Crisis, Complicated Relationships Authors note: This is a repost from Archive for people who don’t like Archive/prefer tumblr/etc. sup guys.

In the middle of their third movie, this one was about strange disappearances, Ryan fell asleep. His head was resting heavily upon Shane’s shoulder. It was a weight that felt strangely nice. Shane nudged a popcorn bowl with his foot that they’d set on the floor, and leaned his head back against the couch. He heard the voice of the narrator on the television saying something about a man who disappeared in Mexico, but he wasn’t really paying much attention anymore.

He thought about how Ryan would probably have a supernatural explanation for this one too. Like the girl who drowned in the hotel water supply, that was a poltergeist, not just a tragic accident. It was almost like Ryan couldn’t really accept that sometimes those things happened. People died, and sometimes we can’t explain why. If this was a time before medicine, he’s sure Ryan would have a supernatural explanation for cancer, for heart attacks, or mental illness. Everyone did, at the time.

He guessed though, that some of those things were real, with his new-found evidence. He had half a mind to ask Anael about the girl at the hotel, or the man in Mexico, or maybe even D.B. Cooper. A part of him, though, wanted to keep it all a mystery. It was more fun that way, he thought. Yeah, they looked at unsolved cases, and yeah, they made him question things a little bit, but ultimately, he stood by what he had said before. He was okay with them being unsolved. It’s so exhausting to go through life trying to solve everything. There wasn’t always an answer, and that was the truth.

He felt Ryan shift a little into him with a soft mutter. He moved his arm so he could put it on the back of the couch, to keep it from getting crushed between them. With his other arm, he grabbed the folded blanket Ryan had taken out for him earlier, and spread it over them.

As the voice on the television droned on, Shane felt himself drifting off. He was warm, and comfortable, and he needed a good rest.

In his dream, he’s hot. He takes off his shirt and starts unbuttoning his pants when he realizes that the heat isn’t coming from the air around him, it’s coming from inside him. He’s not sure what to do, watching his skin as it rapidly dries up, blood rushing through him, his body blushing in awkward patches. He curls up in a ball, breathing heavily. Even his breath scorches his throat.

From behind him, a pair of hands grab his shoulders. They’re cold as ice, and where the hot and cold skin meet, steam billows out. He turns to face the person touching him, but the steam is thick and white and he can’t see through it.

He blinks. He finds himself in a bedroom. It’s a dark blue, light peeking in from the moon illuminating strips over various furniture and clutter. He’s sitting on the bed there, his face turned to the side, watching a body cast in shadow. His own body moves on its own, leaning in towards the figure, and kissing them delicately. The figure lets it happen for a moment, before pushing him back an inch.

“No,” and it’s sounds like Ryan. But why would he be kissing Ryan? His head hurts, his chest hurts. He didn’t mean to do that— The figure gets up, standing in the light, and it is Ryan for a moment. Then his body twists, and he becomes a shadow even in the light, a void of swarming bees. There’s a noise, like static radio, in his ears, drowning out everything else. He can’t move, even though he wants to leave, to get away.

Shane jolted awake, looking around the room frantically. The light in the kitchen was on. The television was turned off, the droning narrator silenced. He looked to his side, and Ryan was gone, but the blanket remained. He looked towards the window to see that it was still dark out. His phone chirped.

Low Phone Battery – 12%

He groaned as he leaned over to dig his charger out of his bag. The blanket slipped off his shoulder onto the couch. He plugged his phone in, and watched it until the screen darkened from inactivity. He rubbed his eyes. He could barely remember his dream now, as the edges of it began to blur and fade, but he does remember something very vividly. He remembered not being able to control his body, feeling trapped as he kissed his friend. He shivered at the mental picture. He didn’t dwell on it, however, and backtracked to the hot and cold. What even was that? He remembered the cold hands from Franklin Castle. The demon named Anael had done that, right? Well, if the demon was actually real, and not just a rabid figment of his imagination.

A clatter in the kitchen, followed by a hushed curse, practically made Shane jump. He stood up sleepily and ducked into the kitchen. The first thing he saw was the time: 3:53 am. The second thing he saw was Ryan bent over to retrieve a metal spoon from the floor. He put the spoon on the counter and started when he saw Shane peaking in.

“Whoa, dude, don’t scare me like that!” Ryan said, smiling a bit and laughing. “I didn’t expect you to be awake. You looked pretty clocked out.”

“Well, with all the noise you’re making,” Shane teased. Ryan flicked at his arm playfully. “Nah, a dream woke me up.”

“Oh? What kind of dream?” Ryan asked, moving the spoon to a cup in the sink. He grabbed a mug on the counter that was steaming slightly. He guessed Ryan made coffee or something. He hadn’t noticed when he first came in, but it did smell like it. He looked around to see what he’d made it with.

“Just a freaky dream about demons or something,” he said quickly, then, “is that coffee? Did you brew a pot or-?”

“Oh, this? I just used my Keurig. Feel free to make yourself a cup, though. I have half and half in the fridge.” He paused, thoughtfully, and took a sip from his cup. “What kind of dreams have demons in them?”

Shane nodded and opened a random cupboard, finding the mugs by luck alone. Well, he figured they were there, because the cupboard was right above the Keurig. He took out one that said, “Boo Bitches” in a font that looked like bones. He related to this mug. “I dunno, the freaky kind?”

While he picked out a kind of coffee to have (Normal or dark? Or really dark. Such a hard decision), Ryan leaned against the counter and sighed.

“Sorry if I drooled on you earlier. I didn’t think I was that tired.” He said. “The guy just kept talking, and his monotone voice put me right out.”

“Haha, no worries. I was surprised your head even reached my shoulder.” Shane teased. Ryan rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

“You’re the one that’s freakishly tall!” Ryan accused. Shane popped a k-cup into the coffee machine. It read Jim’s Quality Morning Brew. Whatever a morning brew was. He hoped it was good.

“I dunno,” Shane said. He merely shrugged.

“One time you hit your head on an exit sign.”

“That was a low exit sign!” Shane argued, although the point was convincing. “Talk about real fire hazards.”

“Well, they’re not hazards to people of normal height.” Ryan said, unhelpfully. Shane moved over to the fridge and grabbed the half and half. His coffee poured rather loudly into the mug as he glared at his friend.

“Sure, you’re normal height, and I’m a monkey’s uncle.” He said. Ryan laughed, grinning, his hand on his chest. Shane grabbed his cup when it was done pouring, and got a spoon to mix in a bit of half and half. He sipped it, the heat warming his body. He watched Ryan laugh with humor in his eyes.

“Maybe you are!” Ryan chuckled. He took another sip of coffee.

“Did you sleep well, though?” Shane asked.

“Yeah, actually. You’re comfier than you look.” He teased. He scratched he back of his neck. “You look so lanky, but it’s actually kind of nice.”

“That’s good.” Shane paused. The silence between them was soft and natural, and it stretched on a bit while they drank their coffees, both leaning against the kitchen counter. Ryan tapped away on his phone, probably playing a game or something. Shane wished his phone wasn’t in the other room charging, although he probably wouldn’t be able to focus on it anyways.

“What are you doing today at work?” Shane asks.

“Editing the video,” Ryan said. He shrugged. “We got a lot of pretty good footage. Maybe we even found something this time.”

Shane shrugged, but there was a small part of him that felt hot on the inside. He thought about the cold hands from the basement, from his dream. He thought about the static noise. He didn’t want Ryan to find anything. How could he deny what’s happening to him if he caught something on film?

“Maybe we did,” he said. “But probably not.”

Even though they both had coffee, at 4:30am they piled back onto the couch and fell asleep under the blanket. Pressed warmly into each other’s space, their sleep was dreamless and quick. Shane felt as if he’d simply blinked and it was suddenly 9:15am. They got up together, brushed their teeth, and popped two bagels in the toaster oven. Shane complained about plain cream cheese, and Ryan was exasperated ‘What is salmon flavored cream cheese? That sounds disgusting!’ They took their own cars to work. It wasn’t super busy at the moment, but that was good, because they would be less distracted that way.

Ryan started editing the video together, adding the commentary screens and other miscellaneous things that made their show a little quirky. Shane poked around on their social media pages, looking at suggestions for places to go and cases to talk about. Of course, it didn’t take him long to stumble upon the various comments about how the two stars of Buzzfeed Unsolved should get together. Honestly, the comments made him feel so tired, like he was talking to his mother over and over again, and listening to her say ‘you’ll find someone eventually’ until his ears started bleeding. Their favorite thing to point out was his apparent single-ness. Well, he was single, but it was by his own choice. If you don’t go fishing, you never catch any fish. Shane didn’t want to date, so he never went out of his way to find a date. He was perfectly fine making friends at the office, eating lunch with coworkers, and chilling at his apartment alone.

Well, at least he used to like that stuff.

He was going to try and go back to his apartment today, of course. He couldn’t live with Ryan. Well, he could, but it would be kind of rude to just invite himself over for forever, wouldn’t it? He’s sure Ryan wouldn’t want to see his face 24/7 anyway.

Where Shane lacked in dating and going out, Ryan made up. He went out a lot, dated girls on and off. He wasn’t a player, no, none of that. He just wanted to have fun, a lot of his exes remained friends with him, it was no big deal. No one’s expecting him to settle down yet. Well, Shane doesn’t know his friend’s whole life. Maybe he is getting pressured by his family, and just ignoring them, like any other young adult. A few weeks ago, Ryan broke up with that girl Helen Pan. He heard it was mutual, though, so that was good. In fact, Shane’s pretty sure he’s still seen Helen around just as often, looking happy and casual.  

He was glad they were still friends. It reminded him of one of his coworkers and close friends Sara. He really enjoyed her company, and there was a point in their relationship where he could have seen himself dating her. He wasn’t sure, though, if he really wanted to date her, or if he was feeling pressured to date someone so that people would stop asking. In fact, there was a day that they’d gone out to lunch together, and he asked her if she wanted to go out for a coffee sometime. It was a sneaky way of seeing if she was interested. Although, it mustn’t have been that sneaky, because she picked up on it immediately.

“Shane,” she said, a soft smile on her face. “Are you asking me out?”

“I- I, uh, I,” he stuttered, a blush spreading across his cheeks. “M-maybe?”

She giggled. “I think you’re a great friend, Shane. Maybe let’s keep it that way?”

Shane let out a long breath. “O-oh.” He was expecting to feel crushing disappointment, but instead he felt a little lighter. “Actually, I’m okay with that.”

As he was daydreaming, staring down his computer, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned in his chair and saw that it was their cameraman David. He had a camera bag slung over his shoulder.

“Did the footage turn out okay?” he asked. Shane’s first reaction was to turn and ask Ryan, but when he looked, Ryan wasn’t at his desk.

“Oh, um, I would say ask Ryan, but he doesn’t seem to be here.” Shane said. David shrugged.

“Well, I just ask because the cameras were acting weird today while we were shooting a different video. I hope that the film from Franklin Castle isn’t messed up.” He said. “That was a lot of footage, if it’s messed up…”

“I’ll find Ryan and ask him if he ran into any problems, okay?” Shane said. David nodded and wandered off. Shane looked over at Ryan’s desk again. His laptop was open to the video editing software they use. His headphones were laying haphazardly on his desk, next to a stack of papers and an empty mug.

He figured that Ryan got called away to do something. No need for concern, of course. Although, it must’ve been important for him to stop editing to go do it. One time, Ryan had told him that he either did it all at once, or not at all. It’s a sentiment that people tend to share. Just get it over with while you’re inspired, and then it’ll be done, no more worrying. Shane thought about how hard it was to get back into the swing of something once you’ve left it for a bit.

Just then, his phone buzzed.

Ryan: Dude, you gotta come see this! I’m in the studio.

At the text, Shane’s blood ran cold. Normally, he’d be excited to go in and listen to whatever sound that Ryan thought was a voice, but this time was different. This time, he wasn’t sure what was real and what was fake. He felt himself starting to get a little overwhelmed.

It’s just a video or audio clip, Shane, nothing to worry about.

Shane: Be there in a sec.

He made his way to the studio and peeked inside. He could see Ryan in there, listening to something, adjusting things occasionally. He walked up and knocked on the studio door to get his attention. Ryan turned quickly, and smiled when he noticed Shane. He took the headphones off and let him into the room with him.

“I was looking through the videos, and I realized that some of the clips got a little messed up.” He said. Shane thought back to what David had said about the cameras. “At first, I was a little disappointed with the corrupted video and audio, but then I noticed that it was only happening in a specific part of the house.”

Ryan handed Shane a pair of headphones. When they both had headphones on, he pulled up a video file on a monitor and played it. It was a shot from a camera at the top of the stairs to the basement. The scene where Ryan accused Shane of being scared of the basement. Shane hadn’t even thought about how they were still filming, so it was weird to see the conversation played back. Everything was playing fine, until Ryan started going down the steps. A part of the screen’s pixels seemed to die, and the audio clipped in and out for a bit, before the screen just turned black completely. You could still hear the voices, but they were muted. After about two seconds of this, there was a much clearer voice over the other audio. It was a deep voice, smooth and haughty. It grumbled a little when it spoke, like a warning.

It’s cold, down here.

And then the video and audio went straight back to normal, like nothing had happened. Shane felt like someone had poured cold water down his back. The voice was so clear, so breathy and real. In fact, the video didn’t even have Ryan’s tacky subtitles, but he knew exactly what it had said.

“Well, it,” Shane started, but honestly didn’t know where he was going to go with that.

“That was definitely a voice. Something knew we were there, I would even say it knew we were recording.” Ryan said, excited, but also horrified. “It’s so clear! It said, it’s cold down here. That’s so crazy!”

“That- that’s doesn’t prove anything though,” Shane said, desperately grappling for something to disprove it. “It could be… could be anything. Maybe it’s one of the camera men.”

“Shane, are you serious?” Ryan said, exasperated. “That’s clearly a voice! It doesn’t sound like David or Steve.”

Shane took the headphones off. He felt his head pounding at the evidence. “You must have edited the clip or something. That can’t be real. Ghosts aren’t real.” He knew he sounded crazy right now, but he didn’t care. The voice in his head, the things he was seeing, the demon… it was all real?

“Seriously?” Ryan asked, taking his own headphones off as well. His voice rose. “I wouldn’t fake this. I’ve waited so long for evidence, and you’re just going to tell me I made it all up?”

“I don’t know!” Shane was practically shouting now. “I don’t know what this is! It’s can’t be real, I don’t believe it! I don’t want it to be real! I thought this show was a big joke from the beginning, I never expected it to be serious! I didn’t want it to be!”

Ryan furrowed his brow. He looked mildly offended. “Then why did you even join the team if it was never real to you? How can you not accept evidence right in front of you?”

Shane groaned in frustration. He looked down at his shoes. “I need to go, I’ll talk to you later.”

He turned to leave. As the door was closing, Ryan shouted, “Don’t bother!”

Shane went right back to his desk and packed up his things. He was tired, upset, and confused. He emailed his manager and said he was getting sick, so he went home. He got in his car, throwing his bag in the backseat. Shane sat in the driver’s seat and put his head in his hands.

He flipped open his phone and dialed the number of the last person he texted that wasn’t Ryan. It rang three times.

“Shane?” a feminine voice said on the other end. “Is everything okay? I saw you walk out of the office.”

“I may have fucked up,” he said, his voice a little shaky. “Sara, I really fucked up.”

“What happened?” Sara asked. There was a rustling through the phone, as if she had gotten up or moved. “Do you want to talk in person or-?”

“I- I don’t know,” he stuttered. He felt the headache getting worse. Keeping his eyes open hurt, so he closed them. “I have such a bad headache. I don’t think I can drive.”

“I’m coming to get you. Do you want me to take you home?” her voice was soft, but he could tell she was a little panicked. He wished he could be a little clearer, but his tongue felt swollen in his mouth.

“I- I-“ he tried, but failed to answer. His phone slipped from his hands to the floor of the car. He noticed that he hadn’t turned the car on. He couldn’t remember where he’d put his keys, anyways, so he guessed it didn’t matter. He heard Sara’s voice coming from the phone, a static sound, like an imitation of a human voice.

Why did he say those things to Ryan? Yeah, the show was supposed to be comedic, but that didn’t make it a joke. Ryan worked really hard to get the show to even happen, and Shane just stomped all over it. He wasn’t sure to think. He was pretty sure he was losing his mind. He just hoped he didn’t lose Ryan as well.

A few moments later, his driver’s side door opened, but he was still sitting with his head in his hands, and didn’t respond to the movement. He felt smaller, warm hands on his shoulders, an arm across his back. He leaned into the warmth.

“Shane, what’s wrong?” a voice said. He recognized it as Sara. He wondered if she had trouble finding his car. He always parked in the same space. He was a creature of habit just like anyone else. Why was this happening to him again?

Oh, right. Skeptic. Yeah.

“My head hurts, it must be from fucking up my sleep last night.” Shane said, although he was lying through his teeth. He knew that his headache was from hearing that audio. From seeing that video clip. He knew the headache was from the evidence, the stress, the anxiety. It was real, it was all real. The demon was real, and it really wanted to ruin Shane’s life.

“You said on the phone that you fucked up,” she said, and it was soft and gentle. He always thought her voice was nice. She was small and warm, quirky and funny. She always seemed to know what to say. “What happened? What did you fuck up?”

Shane lifted his head slightly. Though, when he did that it felt as if the world had dramatically tilted, so he put his head back down. “It’s Ryan, I really fucked up with Ryan. He probably hates me now.”

“Oh, no, no, no,” she reassured, rubbing his back in large circles. “You and Ryan, you guys fight, but friends fight. Whatever it was, he probably doesn’t hate you.”

“I called his show a joke.” He admitted. Sara made a soft noise of disapproval.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have done that, per say,” she said. “But he doesn’t hate you. How could anyone hate you? You’re great.”

Shane pulled his hands away from his face, opening his eyes to stare down at them. He heard a small, sharp voice in the back of his head. It said, mockingly, ‘yeah, you’re great.’

“Do you have any migraine medicine?” Shane asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Sara pulled away to rummage through her purse. After a moment, she sighed.

“No.” she said. “Want me to take you home?”

“What about the car?” he asked.

“You could get it later, I’ll tell the supervisor about it.” She said. She gently tugged on his shirt, and he stood, slowly. He blinked open his eyes, and it hurt, but he figured that he wouldn’t get any better sitting around in a parking lot.

Sara took him to his apartment building and made sure he got upstairs and into his place okay. She came in and helped him get something for his migraine, too. He let himself be fussed over, since he was too tired and upset to have done anything anyways. When he was situated on his couch with a pillow and a comforter, Sara put the back of her hand against his forehead. He laughed.

“What do you think, doc? How long do I have?” he joked. She giggled, withdrawing her hand.

“I’d say three months, better get to that bucket list.” She said, and they both laughed. She sat on the arm of the couch and sighed.

“Listen, Shane,” she started. “I don’t really know what happening with you and Ryan, or just you and work, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.” She paused. “Also, I know I really great therapist…”

Shane gave a small huff of laughter. “Thank you, Sara. To be honest, I think I’ve just been stressing myself out lately. I think I’ve just been questioning things lately that I’ve never questioned before.”

Sara tilted her head, reaching down to play with Shane’s hair a little. “Like what?”

“Well, this sounds dumb, but,” he paused, biting his lip. “I’m kind of starting to believe in ghosts? Or maybe I’m just going crazy and I don’t know it?”

Sara laughed. “Oh yeah, you’re definitely crazy.”

“It’s just been a crazy week, I think.” Shane admitted. “It can’t possibly get any worse. I’ll be better next week.”

“Don’t jinx it.” She smiled, giving Shane’s hair one last flick, before standing up. “If I was a witch I would cast a good vibes spell for you.”

“That sounds like it’d be nice,” he said. He really did mean it. Maybe witch stuff was real, too, now.

“I should probably get back to the office now, but if you need anything,” she said. “Don’t be shy, just hit me up.”

“Thanks Sara,” Shane said. “You’re great, you know that?”

“Yeah.”

Then she collected her things, wished Shane one last goodbye, and she was gone. Shane felt comfortable in his apartment, but now that no one else was there, he could tell a sort of tension returned. He closed his eyes, hoping the pain medicine would make him drowsy, so that he could slip into easy unconsciousness. He didn’t want to think about what happened today. He didn’t want to think about how it would change his friendship with Ryan. He didn’t want to think about demons, or ghosts, or witches. He just wanted to sleep.

If only the world would let him do that.

[niceupaprika1]

MY JIKOOK TIMELINE SERIES pt.2

Okay this was really unexpected lol. I didn’t know so many people will find interesting what i have to say. 

I must admit I was thinking a lot about how I am gonna put this whole thing together.Also I had to remind myself that these are events from 3 years ago and therefore when I really wanna be detailed it is going to take some time to sort my things out. That’s why I am posting these series now because I had this idea in my mind for a very long time. 

DISCLAIMER: This post is supposed to be just for fun and shipping of Jikook. I am not claiming this is truth and I am not forcing anyone to believe this. These are just my observations throughout the years I have been into BTS and the time I have been into shipping jikook. I don’t want to cause any types of fanwars or stupid “shipwars” by this post and I don’t want other people to use this content for these kind of purposes. Also I am opened to hear about your other opinions. Just if you don’t like my opinion don’t be later on rude in my asks or something. As I said I am opened to listen but I AM NOT GONNA TOLERATE HATE OR PEOPLE BEING RUDE TO ME JUST BECAUSE I HAD FUN WITH THIS 

so let’s begin

late 2014+ Dark and wild comeback

The main thing that is totally visible about this so called “era” is that Jikook moments kinda are getting more serious and me watching them interact I always had this heavy feeling on my heart. I would say that this was kinda of a peak of Jungkook’s teasing. I would called this Jungkook being lil shit era. But also we can see other kind of attitude coming from Jungkook to Jimin at that time and that was him getting less shy and showing way more how he cares for Jimin. This period made me confused so many times to be honest because when I finally thought I had some kind of idea of what’s going on something other happened and I got totally confused again. 

Many people would claim that there is not much of a difference in Jikook relantionship when it comes to early 2014 and later 2014. But I see a huge difference and mainly in Jungkook’s behaviour. You are probably asking why do I always point out on Jungkook? To be honest he is way easier for me to read him because Jimin is more of a reserved person and he likes to put out his act. On the other hand Jungkook cannot fake most of his emotions he acts like he feels at the moment and he has no problem to show it. I was thinking about comparing these 2 periods on really nice example and that’s very famous “JIMINTV moment”. It is really nice how these 2 videos are exactly made in the early 2014 and late 2014 and how nicely we can see the change of Jungkook’s behaviour in it. 

The video starts with Jimin visibly trying to get Jungkook’s attentions and Jungkook not really being into it. 

At first I thought he was being shy or not really in the mood to play around but even if that’s the case he still found a way to tease Jimin back.

But then later on we could actually see that maknae was not having it. And he was kind of annoyed and later he left. 

Actually I don’t want to be one of those fans who would be pointing out look in this video Jungkook doesn’t like Jimin’s attention and in this video he does. No that’s not my style at all. I don’t want to talk about it because we will never know what was the base of the video. Why Jimin was even filming Jungkook and why Jungkook was really kind of annoyed. In my opinion it went like this. Jungkook was kinda tired or didn’t feel like filming and Jimin being his clingy caring hyung was trying to make his mood by playing around and annoying him. I don’t think there is more to it and I don’t really wanna go deep into this. The thing I really wanted to point out in this comparison is the body language and the weight of the situation. In this video we definitely could see that Jungkook had still this kind of friendship relationship towards Jimin or that’s what he was still going for. I think he was really not trying push it at that time. 

And then we have this JIMINTV video from which was posted in 2015 but actually was made during Danger/WOH era.

1st of all the awkwardness of the video. The tension in the video was so obvious somebody would be able to cut it into slices. In my opinion Jikook at that time even though they still were friends started to develop further feelings for each other and therefore the moments between them got more cringy and awkward in my opinion. The way Jungkook even looked down is showing he is kind of awkward around Jimin. 

For the 2nd of all and I really want to point this out because this is going to take a huge part of my analysis in the future.Can we talk about HOW Jungkook’s way of staring at Jimin changed? When I think about moments before yeah maknae is quite known for his intense stare and even me and my friend were talking about how Jungkook has this really beautiful eyes and intense stare towards people he finds interesting. BUT Jungkook’s way of staring on Jimin went from “let’s be bffs and make friendship bracelets btw i secretly like you” to “I had secretly a wet dream about you this morning” and I can really prove it. 

 We can see the progression of his stare on these and I don’t think it is just me who noticed the change. I am not trying to say that Jungkook wasn’t staring lovingly at Jimin  before but I am just trying to point out the huge change.

Another thing that I noticed about Jikook during this era was that it was the beginning of the so cold tension between them that we are used to address mainly now. Many Jikook fans tend to say that the real blooming of Jikook was during Run era. But I have completely different opinion. The early blooming of jikook was actually in this era. 

The start of Jungkook checking out Jimin.

The grown affection and care from Jungkook towards Jimin.

The grown affection and care from Jungkook towards Jimin.

So I think I pointed the main parts of how I think Jikook progressed in this era and now I would like to talk about my kind of theory of what actually was going on at that time. 

In my opinion this was the time of the huge change in Jungkook’s thinking. I think he slowly started to realize what was going on and he kinda came to conclusion that there is no point to fight against it. Maybe he had some deep conversation with someone accepting or he just found it exhausting to fight his feelings. Of course I don’t think this was the era in which Jungkook came out to Jimin. I assume that even though he accepted himself he wasn’t prepared to talk about it with Jimin. That’s why he was trying to act towards Jimin. Yeah I was saying that Jungkook’s affection towards Jimin changed but that didn’t change the fact that Jungkook was still lil shit  and pulling Jimin’s strings most of the time. When it comes to Jimin I think in this era Jimin started to realize too that Jungkook might mean something more for him than his favorite dongsaeng. And now we have Jimin in his existential crisis. I think this was the point when Jimin went through a huge confusion and unfortunately he had not much time to think about it further because of their busy schedule. That’s why he was trying to act normally most of the times. But I kinda could sense the tension from his side and also him being a bit annoyed by all that Jungkook’s bickering sometimes.

Like we can see here.

To be honest I would really like to talk way further about this in the next part where I am going to make it sort of more like theory and personality analysis more than actual relationship analysis. 

[cb150681]

In Between - Jaspenor Story

Chapter 4 - The Matchmaker

Read in ao3, ff.net and wattpad

Former King Cyrus stormed in current King Robert's chambers without announcing himself as he pushed the guards away. Jasper ended up tackling him lightly trying to avoid a bigger mess than this day already was.

"You can't throw me out of the Palace. You already took my room. Isn't that enough for you?" Cyrus almost barked.

King Robert raised his gaze from the desk where he was seated at doing God knows what and with an unhealthy joker smile on his face and informed his uncle. "I'm the king and I really can do whatever I want to you my dear uncle. First, because I despite you and second because you are not worthy to be here."

Cyrus tried to contradict him but ended up turning his back saying that he was not leaving.

Jasper didn't like Cyrus but this was getting out of proportions in his opinion. He knew Cyrus and Liam were putting together some plan, and he also knew that it had something to do with the king. But when he called out Liam about the not clever alliance between uncle and nephew, Liam simply said that he had no one he could trust right now and in the end it was true.

However, the King was no fool and was already suspicious of this recent friendship. So Jasper's now focused his all attention on King Robert to prevent him to find out about Cyrus and Liam conversations and to prevent him from finding out about Liam's nights out and also to prevent the Queen from learning about all this mess. It was almost impossible to rest his head and when he did, something always happen to disturb him.

"Jasper where are you?" He heard Sarah Alice call through the King's doors. Thank God this little girl was here to cheer him up. And to think that when she came to the Palace, Jasper cursed Mr. Hill for it. Now she was his best distraction and his best memory of Eleanor. The little girl was always a good reminder of how good it was when he and Eleanor were good and happy, because she was their biggest shipper, despite letting out some major jealousy crisis from time to time.

He opened the door to meet her but it was the King who spoke to the girl. "What do you want with my security detail little one? You know he is working right?" He asked using a not so friendly tone that made Sarah stop where she was and think about whether she was supposed to leave or not.  

"I wanted to show him something... I'm sorry!" She said, staring at the floor.  

Robert approached her, taking the phone she had in her hands, an action that left Jasper nervous and unsteady in his place. He knew what she wanted to show him and he didn't want the King to know about it.  

"What is that something that you want to show him?" He asked staring at some picture of some beach view.

"Oh, I'm sorry your majesty. I really am!" James Hill said, interrupting the conversation and taking back his phone gently from the king's hand. "Sarah Alice, I already told you that I don't want you to distract Jasper with your games!" He scolded the little girl.  

But she got confused. "What game?" She asked puzzled.

James shook his head and Jasper shook the little girl gently. "I talk to you later ok Sarah?" And give glance of gratitude to Mr. Hill for his intervention.  

"Yes Ok! I'm sorry again your majesty!" Sarah said sadly and left at a quick canter with her father behind.  

When Jasper caught up with them they were already at Mr. Hills office with a scowl faced Sarah Alice with her arms folded on her chest. He guessed her father had reprehended her for interrupting the King like she did.  

Jasper began to apologize for him. "I'm sorry James this was my fault. I asked her to show me the pic Eleanor send and she wanted to!"

"I know that but she needs to know her boundaries. I can't afford to pick a fight with the King and she knows that!"

"He is evil!" She said very low still folding her arms, the picture of a very stubborn girl.

Her father shook his head with a sigh. "Come on Sarah Alice! We already discussed this and although you have your own opinion about the man, you simply can't run around and disturb the order of the Palace. Do you want me to lose this job?"

She finally faced her father. "No, I don't! I know what I can and can't do, but I was doing nothing bad. He is evil!"  

James shook his head again in despair, his daughter was for sure very determined about her beliefs.

"But I will be more careful. I promise!" She said, trying to get her father more friendly and leaving her stubborn posture, giving him a hug that made James melt and kiss the top of her head.  "You better missy! You better!"

She nodded, smiling shyly and asked. "Can I show Jasper the text now?"

"About that! Jasper do you believe that someone could have taken the letter from your secret spot?"

Jasper almost jumped in surprise. "What letter?"

James looked puzzled. "The letter that Eleanor said she had written it to you on Christmas?"

"Oh, that letter!" Jasper said releasing a gasp of relive. "Well, I think so. Because she says she wrote it and I checked and it was not there. Why?"

"Look, I'm about to tell you something that you will not use in any circumstances until we get certain about what we are dealing with ok?"

Jasper felt his heart pumping faster and closing the door behind him he nod in agreement with his boss' request. "Sure!"

"No Jasper, I'm sorry but I need more than "sure", my job is on the line here."

"Ok! I promise I will not screw this up. You can trust me!"

The radio sound in the back and once again they were interrupted by some nonsense from his majesty the King, making Jasper leave them to try to solve some new dispute.  

She woke up startled again. She was dreaming that Jasper was drowning on the Thames river after being shot by someone that she couldn't see. Sitting on the bed all sweaty and with tears in her eyes she tried to focus on where she was and with who she was. She must have scream because she heard a gentle knock on the door and then someone peaked from outside the room.

"Eleanor are you ok?"

It was Sebastian. "Yes! Sorry I woke you again. I don't know why I keep having these dreams!"

He smiled and gently sat on the edge of her bed trying to not invade her space. "It seems you have a lot to process! And that's no problem for me. I'm a light sleeper but I can sleep almost everywhere so no problem."

"You better go to bed than because the renovation team is starting pretty early tomorrow!"

"Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked reaching for her hand that she gently avoid.

"Thank you, Sebastian, but I'm ok. I'm sure I will fall asleep eventually!"

She could see a sad smile on his lips but he left her alone. She liked this man. He became a major friend to her but sometimes she felt a bit trapped by him. Maybe she was not just a friend for him like he was for her. She lay down again covering herself with the soft silk blanket and rolling on herself several times until she could find a comfortable position to fall asleep.  

Trying to not think about how much friendly intentions were in Sebastian's mind, in her mind she traveled back to Jasper. And she felt her heart hitch with the memory of the sweet kiss that he gave her on the cheek before she left. Turning and turning again on the bed until settled all curled up she released a sigh admitting that she wasn't able to fall asleep mostly because she missed Jasper by her side to hug her from behind and breath on her neck and caress her hair until she let herself go.

When Jasper finally came back to Mr. Hill's office looking like he had been in a fight he dropped himself on the little chair in front of the desk. "I swear this King is going to get me killed!"

James smiled and pointed to the monitors.  "Your protégé is leaving again!"

"Oh no!" He complained, looking at the clock. "I can't! Just can't go after him now! Can I ask you something? Can you go after him! Just follow him from a distance and help him come back to the palace when is done. I just... He can't go alone!"

"You should stop him!" James said following Liam through the monitors.

"I know but he doesn't listen!"

James agreed. "Ok, I will go with him. Keep everything in order here, please. Oh and I thought you may like to see the folder "Deleted" on my desktop."  

Jasper looked at his boss without a clue of what he was talking about but nodded doubting about the subject.

"I will! If you say so and thank you!"

Jasper took Mr. Hill's place at his desk and opened the file he mentioned. For a couple of minutes, he thought the old man had lost it because what was he suppose to be watching in the empty corridors? But then he saw Eleanor enter the library and then King Robert approaching the door.

"Is he?... Is he spying on her?" Jasper said to no one. Was he seeing right? Had he just seen the King spying on his sister and then entering the library and leaving a couple of minutes later with a smirk on his face?  

"Could he have been the one that took the letter?" He asked again of no one because he was all alone in there.  Jasper played that piece of footage more than twenty times and he concluded that the King was up with something for sure.

Still talking out loud alone he jumped in surprise when the little Sarah Alice entered the room. "Where's my father?"

"Geez, girl do you want to kill me?" He asked letting his American side surface making Sarah Alice laugh at him. "Your father is out! What do you need besides trying to give me a heart attack?"

She giggled. "Nothing much. Just want to know when we could go home?"  

Jasper checked the clock, realizing with surprise  that he had been playing that footage back and forward for more than an hour now. "He is probably already coming back now!" And as he finished talking Mr. Hill appeared at the door.

"Look you need to talk him out of it! Today he barely could stand up on his feet!"

"He didn't listen to me!" Jasper answer apathic.

"You have to do something! Who do you think he will listen to?"  

"His ex, which is the king ex too or Len!"  

"Ok, then so his ex is not an option!"

Sarah Alice emerged again from the closet where she liked to hide.  "Can I show him the pic now?"

James gave her his phone. "Yes show him already. Girl you really like to play the matchmaker role!" James shook his head.

Jasper took the phone from her and thanked her with a kiss on the top f her head. He stared at the picture. It really was an amazing view, scrolling down to read the message he first smiled at her words to Sarah Alice but then his face fell and then lit up again. Both James and Sarah watched him open his mouth without releasing a word more than once. Handing the phone back to Sarah all he said was "Thank you!" and left. Leaving them both astounded with his reaction.

Already at the tunnels, the only place where he felt comfortable when she was not in the palace, mostly because it reminded him of her, he picked his phone out of his pocket and searched for her name on the contact list, but he stopped himself before calling her. She had answered him after all.  The emoji in the end of Sarah Alice's text was for him. He was sure of that, and if he wasn't wrong, by all this time that they had exchange emoji texts she meant something like "I'm here" or "I'm still here" and that meant she was thinking of him. But should he invade her private time like that? She said she needed it. But after what he read he had a sudden need to hear her voice. And if she doesn't pick up? He thought to himself.

Still looking at Eleanor's name on the screen his finger wavered over the call button, undecided about what to do.