#I read so much my eyes hurt and I’m so hungry and sleepy blegh

[newtystein]

Finally finished the 13th (the last) book in The Vampire Chronicles my eyes are literally going to fall out. Anyways lovedddd the series so much (obviously)! I felt like the last book wrapped it up well, I haven’t read either of Anne Rice’s New Tales of the Vampires or the Mayfair series, so I will be reading those later next year to recover from reading so much Anne Rice. Overall, I love her characters and it 100% changed my life that is all

[inhodear]

* long flight ( solo )

WRITING TASK #001: music prompt! ↳ taeyong -- long flight 

dance in a swimming pool called sky, in that space, my lips are tingling in the cold air

TW: anxiety, animal death, emetophobia, (implied) violence, (implied) gore. last but not least: Furry Shit 

[  SPRING 2018, TUESDAY NIGHT, THE FOREST BEHIND GRANDMA’S HOUSE. ]

inho’s recent growth spurt hit him like a truck. 

while the extra height is worth celebrating, his arms and legs feel too long, making him even more awkward than he was before. he’s too clumsy now -- wider shoulders making him bump into his classmates in the hallway, bringing more attention to himself than he ever wanted. it was his grandma who pointed out the difference to him, complaining lightheartedly about how quickly he grew out of two shoe sizes.

the changes do bring him some relief; being mistaken for a high school freshman all the time is getting tiring. it’s about time he caught up with everyone -- most of his classmates have sharpened up, filled out, started growing facial hair, etc., so inho is grateful that he’s at least the same height as the other boys now. 

he’s not completely happy, though, in fact his clumsiness has made him very frustrated -- more so because of the contrast between how his teenage body feels compared to... this one. 

how cruel is it that he can only feel comfortable when stuck in the body of the thing he hates so much? how he feels the most himself when he’s not even Himself? 

this Big Ugly Grey Thing moves with more grace and purpose than inho ever could. this body is filled with a level of energy and awareness that the sleepy, lazy inho has never been able to achieve. it feels upsettingly, terrifyingly good to be like this, as much as he tries to forget that feeling for three weeks every month. 

as he makes his way over prickly shrubbery and stones, the Big Ugly Grey Feet don’t miss a single step. the water of the local creek glitters beside him, reflecting the cold light of the moon, but he doesn’t stop to admire it yet. he races up the path he’s familiar with until he finds the tree that marks his section of the forest and slows, sharp eyes taking in the area to make sure it hasn’t changed since he left it last month. 

his log is where he positioned it, covered in soft moss and laying on its side a few yards away from the creek. the cover he made using dead branches painstakingly layered over each other is also intact, blocking the little clearing from view on all sides except for the one facing the river.

and, most importantly, his books are still there. 

inho sighs with relief, in a puff of air that comes from his nostrils. he walks over to perch himself on the log in what must look like the most awkward seated position ever. 

it’s bare, dirty and ugly, but this has been his home away from home for so long now; it’s been especially comfortable since he managed to teach his Big Ugly Grey Fingers to turn pages without ripping them, and he learned that he can kind of read most of the words if he squints hard enough. these past few moons have been more peaceful than any of the other ones -- it’s much easier to convince himself to stay still if he can focus on someone else’s story, instead of wasting the whole night wandering around and being melancholy. 

getting brave about his improved dexterity, he’d also tried to bring his phone out with him last month. but it didn’t go as well - tapping in a password doesn’t work when your fingertips are claws and Siri does not parse weird wolfy noises. smashing his phone so easily was a nasty wake-up call, reminding him that no matter how much he tries to make things feel normal out here, they never will be. 

oh... did i finish this book already? 

he squints as he carefully reads the last paragraph of his novel. he recognizes the words on the last page of both of the other books, meaning that he’d read them all and then forgotten.he groans audibly, but immediately cuts himself off as the sound comes out too loud, too... scary. 

he’s always hated to re-read books, so he resigns to settle in for another night of Nothing. 

he supposes he can’t complain that much, because being bored and alone for 12+ hours is much better than any alternative. the pros of being in his own mind far outweigh the cons (even if his inner monologue tends to hurt him sometimes.) 

he gets up to wander after a little while, knowing that being under the moonlight is the best way to calm down his mind.

he walks up the side of the creek for a while. his usual daydreams start to take over as the moon slowly angles herself higher over his head, cool light washing him and almost soothing his nerves. 

there’s one daydream that he sees often. 

it changes from time to time, but the gist is the same: a too-perfect scenario in his head where his best friend is out here with him, where he’s not too afraid to tell her the truth, where she’s not too afraid of him, where he can finally show her this forest and everything he loves about it and share with her all that love he feels pouring down from the moon. where he doesn’t have to be alone out here and left with only his thoughts to keep him company. 

of course he knows it’ll never happen. his eunji is brave about many things, but inho is not -- at least once a week he finds himself in a thought loop where he’s just terrified of losing the only person other than grandma who makes him feel safe. 

as often as those pretty daydreams play out in his mind, the Bad thoughts paint pictures in his mind too, uninvited -- though none of them are things he’s ever seen in person, there are horrible visions. visions of eun looking at him in an expression of disgust -- a mirror of that of the teacher who once tried to get him taken away years ago. visions of her looking at him like he’s a stranger. visions of her looking at him with fear in her eyes. her running away from him. and even worse, her-- 

inho knows where the Ugly part of his brain tends to go next, and he knows he’ll end up spiraling if he lets himself go there. so he shuts it down quickly, stopping to vigorously shake his head as his stomach churns with nausea and a sour taste fills his mouth.

don’t think, don’t think about anything, he tells himself as he looks up. there’s nobody else out here to worry about. just me and the moon. yeah... 

he inhales deeply, and then breathes out slow, closing his eyes as his anxiety slowly starts to drain out of him, the energy from the moonlight filling the empty space left behind. like this, he starts to feel okay. to let himself feel okay.

but that doesn’t last very long.

he jolts as a familiar hunger rips through him, and he lowers his head again, a hand coming up to press down on his abdomen. it hits so suddenly that it’s alarming. mostly because inho knows exactly what it means. oh no no nonono.

he crouches in the bush, heart racing. he stares towards the sound of rustling with wide eyes, fearful, but not for himself.

hey - HEY, no! not this way!

he starts shaking the bush in front of him, stomping his feet, growling pathetically, doing everything he can to scare off the whatever-it-is, even as pain stabs his stomach when the earthy scent of an animal enters his nose without his permission. 

panic spikes in his chest as he watches as a little white bunny hop out into the open.

don’t, he thinks, taking an unsteady step back. don’t be stupid! there’s a monster here! go away!

inho is definitely making a racket now, but the bunny is too far away to hear it. it’s upwind and apparently incapable of smelling him, either, stopping to groom its fluffy fur in the moonlight. inho drags his claws down his face, groaning, pulling on tough skin as if he could just take it off.

after a moment of this, he gets an idea. in desperation, he tears a large green leaf from the branch in front of him and stuffs it in his mouth.

he chews aggressively. there. salad! this is fine. i won’t be so hungry now. yeah--

it only takes about five seconds for the Wolf to spit it all back out in a fit of dramatics, inho’s brain taken over with BLEGH VEGETABLES NO VEGETABLES EW EW EW on loop as he frantically scrapes the horrible taste off his tongue. 

when he looks up, he doesn’t see the bunny in that ray of moonlight anymore, and relief floods him as, just for a second, he thinks that it smartened up and ran away. he eases a little, shoulders sinking, until that scent hits him much stronger and every hair on his body stands up. 

it’s only a few yards away now. 

are you serious!? dumb stupid idiot bunny, just run away! please run away --

the anger and frustration he feels towards the little thing only serves to ramp up the other, more feral, feelings. chest heaving, he can feel his own mind slipping from him a little, as the one Big thought shoves itself to the front --  

HUNGRY.  

there’s enough of inho left in there to feel despair, though -- the voice in his head crying out not again not again in time with the loud thumping of his heart. his body tenses, and though he wants to run in the other direction more than anything, his eyes remain fixed on the rabbit, his feet rooted to the ground. 

this has happened too many times for inho to not know what happens next. 

i’m sorry... i’m sorry... you’re so cute... i’m sorry... 

the next thing he feels is the wind whipping past him as he jumps out of the bush.

[ WEDNESDAY, GRANDMA’S HOUSE. ]

“i’m sorry--” 

-- it’s that phrase that he says again and again into the toilet bowl the next day, shaking uncontrollably, hunched over like that until every trace of rabbit is out of his system. 

he’s inconsolable for the remainder of the weekend, sitting there in the bathroom alone except for when grandma sets down a cup of water or his wolfsbane flask on the sink next to him, or gently brushes fingers through his hair. he eventually takes a shower, then passes out and wakes up a day later in his own bed, slowly feeling himself again as he gets ready for grandma to drive him back to school the next day. he’s all smiles for grandma after, but his heart hurts.

i’m too tired, grandma, he wants to say, but he knows she’ll just get sad that she can’t fix it for him, so he stays quiet. 

[  FRIDAY, HIGH SCHOOL MESS HALL. ]

it’s usually only eunji who will notice when something’s off, as good as inho thinks he is at hiding it. but it’s a little more obvious this time, he guesses, as their whole lunch table stares at him pulling Green things out of his lunch bag for the first time since... ever.

“uh, inho? where’s your real lunch?” eun asks. 

“this is my real lunch,” inho replies, not looking at her. 

“oh...” he can feel her gaze, the attention making his own cheeks warm. “even that... is that just a leaf of lettuce...?”

inho meets her gaze now as he nods, breaks off a piece, and places it on his tongue. ugh. he chews for a painfully long moment, swallows, then gives a very forced smile. “oh, i forgot to tell you... i’m vegan now.” 

eun seems to choke a little on her food (a very delicious-looking piece of stir-fried duck that her mom no doubt prepared for her today... inho tries not to salivate.) 

she blinks several times. “that’s new,” she seems like she’s trying to be nice about it, but he can see the utter confusion on her face as she’s no doubt remembering that inho had five(5) hamburgers the last time they went out. 

“yes,” inho says, dumbly, unsure of what else to say.  this is so awkward... of course she knows this isn’t normal.

eun is looking down at her own lunch box, and inho can’t help but to follow her gaze to the duck. his stomach gurgles, but the feeling is nothing like the agony he feels during the full moon so he can handle it. and he will -- no matter what, he’s done with eating animals. he’s sick of how gross it feels. and if he gets used to vegetables, maybe he’ll be able to control himself when he’s out there next month. maybe one day he won’t have to crave bunnies or squirrels or deer or humans ever again. 

“okay, but can i ask why? do you... like vegetables now or something?” 

he doesn’t answer the second question, because his lie would be far too obvious. he takes another bite of his Nothing Sandwich, and eun waits while he chews. he answers after a moment with a shrug: “i think i just need a change.”

eun peers at him. “we’re about to graduate, and then start at college soon... those are big changes already, don’t you think?” 

he thinks about his reply for a second. "maybe i want to start at pocheon as a new man?” he keeps his tone light, but there’s a note of sadness there that he hopes she doesn’t notice. 

eun takes a sip of her drink and then speaks. “being vegan isn’t going to make you a different person, inho...” 

inho looks down at his gross, ugly, stupid rabbit food. “i know. i mean, i’ll change other stuff too.” he wants to, at least he thinks so. as much as he’s felt content having eunji as his Number One all these years, he knows he should start to branch out a little if he wants to actually experience all of the things that he hasn’t yet. things that he can’t experience with eun... 

“well, i support you of course, but...” 

there’s a pause, long enough for inho to glance back up at eun, who he catches looking at him with an unreadable expression on her face. she looks away quickly, and swallows. her voice comes out a little hushed, almost too quiet for him to hear. “i don’t think you need to change. you’re fine just like this.” though her face is turned away her expression makes it seem like she’s saying a little more than that. like it’s something closer to i don’t want you to.

inho blinks once, twice, and then his eyelashes flutter a little as he looks away, pretending to stare at something else to the side.  something stirs in his chest -- something weird and sad, but there’s something else too?

“um,” he stammers and rubs the back of his neck, scrambling to find words. “i-- i mean, we’ll still be best friends, no matter what. yeah?” eun still doesn’t look at him. “we’ll still go out to eat, i just  won’t be getting barbecue... unless they barbecue vegetables? that might taste good, actually,” (he does not believe that.) “-- and i can still eat fries too, i think. so it won’t be that different. and they make vegan ice cream now...”

his attempt to babble to her until she’s comforted seems to work somewhat, because she offers him a smile with her nod. 

gradually, they ease back into regular conversation about exams and girl groups and the usual things, as inho very obviously struggles to keep down the lunch he packed for himself. 

yeah, i'll change a little, he thinks, even as a piece of broccoli almost triggers his gag reflex. you’ll see, he affirms in his head, though he doesn’t know who he’s talking to.