#I promise if you're not up today
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Heeyy a bit of a self indulgent ask here but I had a phobia/trauma trigger today and it caused me to have a messy sobbing panic attack. Do you have anything on how Homelander would deal with his s/o having a panic attack like that? almost completely inconsolable. I know this is self serving and indulgent and I’m sorry for over sharing homelander is a comfort character for me and you write him exquisitely. If you’re not comfortable with this just ignore
Homelander was sixteen when he had his first panic attack. He'd flown further and faster away than he'd ever had the freedom to and collapsed in a dense woodland, sobbing and rocking his body against the cool forest floor.
He'd pulled his hair so hard it should have come loose, grit his teeth so tightly they should have cracked, and choked so badly on his own constricting throat that it should have caved in.
They didn't. He's invulnerable, after all. As solid as marble.
It was the first attack, but not the last.
That's how he recognizes it so quickly in you.
"Hey," he says, ears attuned to the rabbit-like pound of your heart. "Heyy, hey, it's okay. I'm right here, you see me? Hey." He's only just found you, he doesn't know yet what your trigger was, but he can ascertain that later.
Your staccato breaths and sharp sobs, the sea salt smell of tears streaking your cheeks, are nearly enough to rouse his own panic by proxy. He needs it to stop. He needs you to stop. He cares about you too much for you to scare him like this.
"Hey, you hear me?" He asks, cupping either side of your face. You can't answer through it. Your tongue is gnarled with panic and you're sobbing so hard he fears you'll choke yourself on it. He's not even sure you see him.
He takes you into his arms, one moving smoothly around your waist while the other cups the back of your head. He holds gently at first, grip gradually tightening, compressing your body against his in the hopes that the hammer of your heart will meet and match the steady beat of his own.
"Sssshhhhhhh," he shushes by your ear, lifting you just enough to keep you on your feet, but take from you the weight of your own body.
"I've got you. Whatever it is, it's okay. It's okay. I've got you. M'gonna take care of it, alright? Ssshh," he says, rocking you the same way he used to rock himself in the corner of the bad room, soothing himself with the thump of his own skull against those sterile white walls.
He knows it's working when you slip your arms around him in turn. He continues to hush you, whispering more honeyed assurances in your ear, the core sentiment always the same.
I'm here. You're safe. I love you.
It's everything he can think that he always wanted to hear in these moments of raw, horrifically human weakness.
Eventually, your breaths begin to even out, though your heart continues to thunder in his ears, still convinced that the danger hasn't yet vanished. He tries not to take that personally and scoops you up the rest of the way into his arms.
"That's it, just like that," he coos, pressing a firm kiss to your forehead. "Breathe. Breathe. Good... Light as a feather now, okay? Like you can fly," he tells you, sharing the greatest comfort he's ever known. His only real escape has always been his weightlessness, the ability to shed gravity at will. He uses his strength in an attempt to share even a sliver of that sense of freedom with you.
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. All he knows is that your heart starts to slow alongside the flow of your tears. He kisses your wet cheeks, the bridge of your nose, your forehead. He whispers praise and love with each one, voice barely above a whisper.
"I'm sorry," you choke out. He's appalled that would be your first instinct.
"Don't," he says firmly, though his voice is still low. "Don't. I can carry it for you. Carry you. What's the point of super strength otherwise?" He murmurs, a smile playing at the edges of his lips.
You almost smile back, and that's enough for him. He kisses the crease between your brows until it smooths, and the highs of your cheeks until the tears dry up, and your lips until they're ready to speak again.
He'll hold you for as long as it takes your body to realize the threat was only ever in your mind, and that there isn't a thing in this goddamn world he would ever let hurt you.
#i'm so sorry you experienced that today my darling ilu#i hope this helps i tried to get it out asap#he would take such good care because he knows what it's like to be fucked up by your own body#you don't ever have to apologize to me i promise#i'm all for self-indulgence and comfort#you're welcome and safe here!!!#homelander x reader#homelander x you#x reader#darling anon#ask and you shall receive#my writing
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*stares at 30 reblogs of "deep down you want to bite someone with 100% power just once"*
*writes: "m00t is reincarnated crocodile (beloved)" on notepad*
#ptxt#unrelated tag essay: finished writing an email somewhat promising myself arranged-marriage-style to a project if my advisor#is down once I apply for a phd which will be in *checks watch* whenever I have the spare brainpower to do it.#Probably the end of the month#It's still chalcopyrite related but news flash there's other sulfides that occur with chalcopyrite and they're all really fuckin weird and#want to know why. Also I want to know where mooihoekite occurs and haycockite and all that jazz and I'm too tired to do a lit review#search for something that's only marginally related to my thesis but I must knowwwww.#I'm tired enough my professor for a different class asked if I was distracted/busy/stressed when I went to office hours. 'yeah you did#a great job last semester and now you're only showing up 50% of the time.' T^T#Slipping into incoherent tumblr tag conlang feels like capri-sun to my brain after today tbh. There should be a german word for this
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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I will never forgive a single one of you
#There will come a day when your grandchildren see your faces in the history books and spit on you#“We survived the last one” no we all didn't#I lost so many#so many#His policy changes almost got me killed twice alone#I mean that literally -- in the hospital trying not to die because of the shit he did#Later today I am going to have to face a room full of [redacted] and promise to do everything I can to protect them and not give up#all while pretending I'm not already sitting in my grave#Of course I'm going to fight of course I am but Christ alive fuck you people who think this is a game#and honestly fuck everyone who looked at what happened and didn't see massive voter suppression for what it was#“why didn't so-and-so shift blue” because they challenge mail-in ballots and purge the rolls late and shut down polling locations#and if they call you a “felon” you can't vote. And guess what sort of people they like to make felons?#Reminding myself through gritted teeth that if almost half of Texas voted blue - that's a higher population than some blue states have#It's a lot of people. It's so many people. So many many people tried#People out there care and are trying don't forget them don't abandon them don't condemn them in the hatred#Welp.#If you're still reading this I'm so sorry#If you're USAmerican remember: if they come knocking on your door asking for the neighbor in your attic - you don't know shit#You have never seen a shoplifter in your life. You never had nor never knew anyone who got an abortion.#You don't know any queer people. Especially not a trans person. Especially especially not a trans kid.#Social media sites are not safe for communication. It's not a game okay. Get real good at being careful#Buy an air cleaner and a water filter and get ready to keep an eye on food contamination outbreaks#Get to know your local farmers#Buy a chicken. Name it Reggie. Reggie gonna give you eggs.#Living is an act of defiance. Fighting is an act of love
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i've said this before but listen, as someone who keeps up with leaks it is INCREDIBLY difficult to not start screaming about Arlecchino. i know this is a Foul Legacy blog but oh my goddddddd
#hush n shush wifi#not brainrot#genshin talk#y'all are gonna have to suffer through me talking about her and my OC in between moth content for a while#only if you guys allow me too though i'm not that cruel#foul legacy is still my number one but holy hell arlecchino is auugrhghgrhhhghh#i'm going insane. i need lore immediately#to the person who sent me an OC ask please know that you're amazing and i'll get to it shortly#i'll try to also post moth brainrot today#if anyone else wants to scream about arlecchino with me PLEASE do#this is the first time i'm breaking my vow and pulling on weapon banner hoh mygod#she is fathering it up in here#ahem anyways#normal again i promise#good evening
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Considering yesterday was one of the worst days I've had all year, and then today is hands-down the BEST day I've had all year, I now think literally anything is possible.
Guys please keep pushing forward. Your ray of sunshine could be a lot closer than you think it is.
#i'm being so serious#if you're looking for a reason to live right now think of what makes you happy#could be literally anything. ice cream; video game; your pet; grass; ect#hold onto that#it doesn't matter how stupid it sounds if it's keeping you alive#yesterday i was boarderline s//dal and today i feel like i'm on the top of the world#and it was all pure circumstance. yesterday my pet was at the vet and work sucked and people kept disrespecting me#and today i got confirmation i can get top surgery and i finally achieved a goal in a game i've been working for for months now#AND TWO old friends stopped by and we got to hang out for a while!#literally anything is possible okay you just gotta hold on#i promise it will get better. i can't promise when but i can promise you it will#but not if you give up#keep pushing. i love you. i see you. i support you. don't give up.#dimond speaks
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Ok Last One
for today.
I had a vision.
Closeups of their faces AND their boots because those are the BEST BOOTS I've drawn yet and also you Cannot see BB's eye unless you're zoomed in so there's also that
Something something musical episode where BB has a "villain" song that it duets with Barnacles
#barnacles is green because i messed up. ok. leave me alone#octonauts#hershel’s octonauts au#captain barnacles#the boogie board incident#this is the MOST i've tagged for those four things in the span of a few hours what is wrong with me#also erm !! tying into the fact that barnacles is taller !! i really tried to show it#sighs. yo imagine being barnacles right now#you're having a normal day and then this Thing that looks WAYY too much like you for your own comfort manifests in your ship and starts#singing about what it is and then it GRABS you and you're like ''ok.'' and try to convince it to Not Be you (while singing as well ofc.)#(you're polite like that.) and it's oddly fun but also your entire crew is staring at you both the whole time just GobSmacked#you yourself just want to know Why it's you by the time the song ends but it buggers off for a week and comes back only to be punched#by who ? you dunno you weren't there for the punching#we be writing episode plots in the tags man HELP#POST IT YOU COWARD. im done for today i promise. at least on this point. maybe. hopefully.
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girl you didn't get a lot done but you got more than nothing done and that is a WIN
#sorry kay i promise you're next on the docket lol#commissions are finally progressing see im not a total liar#started 2024 off with an earthquake which im taking as a call to Shake It (up) metro station style this year#which im#going to start honoring today i guess#positivity post#also im going to go on some sort of reblog binge tonight i just have to roll my bingo cage violently first to see what blorbo comes up
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There is no way my mom just told me she didn't wake me up this morning because I was taking too long to wake up on my own...
#yapping#ripping out my hair and screaming i woke up at 10am and you were already asleep and now youre using ME not being awake as an excuse to avoid#taking me to Greenville so we can get the shit that you promised me we'd get on friday then you moved that to sunday then you moved it to#today and now you're moving it to fuck knows when. and you wonder why I'm so behind on getting the stuff i need its because you dont let me#even have the opportunity to get anything any sooner than your own pace#“you dont have a bank account yet??” I'VE BEEN ASKING YOU FOR MONTHS and youve been delaying every chance you get and now i have to ask Doug#because you just basically refuse to at this point#its not even that its stuff i need its anything else too#you promised me when i was FOURTEEN that i could dye my hair and you havent even tried to keep that promise and now you said youd take me to#go buy some and i could do it myself and you've been avoiding it for the past month#we havent even gone for our stupid birthday dinner that we so every year since our birthdays are only 2 weeks apart. and that was MARCH.#it took 2 months for me to even convince you to take me to Walmart for fucking pencils and a clear backpack for school and you did that a#few days before school started because you didn't want to look like a bad mother to random strangers who dont even know you or care#but when it comes to me youll just cry and say “i dont want you to think im a bad mother” but wont do anything to actually show that#and that works btw. im too busy feeling bad for you that i cant even consider thinking any bad of you because that'd mean that i was hurting#you more than my existence already does
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The day is gonna end soon so I just wanted to say a final thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday <3 Thank you all so so much! You've all really made today so special!
#pan rambles#Sorry for sounding like a broken record but it's true-agkdngkdfn#Seeing all the messages really brightened up my day and I really appreciate it ;v;#You're all very sweet and I can't thank you enough!#Also sorry for how long it might've taken me to answer some of the asks-#Afksnfkdnfkd I'm quite tired now! Today was busier than I expected it to be!#Doesn't help that I cried like mlre than once-afksnf#Contrary to the fact this is literally a blog about me being affectionate with fictional dudes-#I get very overwhelmed (in a good way) by affection quite quickly-afksnfkdb The right words and I'll be a sobbing mess#When a pal I've known for many years#(hehe I can gush about her here bc she doesn't follow this blog) said “Thank you for being a part of my life” I instantly started to cry#My gushing and thanking aside-I promise I'll be back to the usual stuff tomorrow!#I will be normal self ship blog again I prommy <3#Hope you all have a great night!!!
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How evil are you (from 0 to 100 percent)?
"96% evil? What..? No, but... that's so high?" Kirk mumbles. He's crestfallen.
See? Man-Bat was innocent of these heinious accusations all along! Well, mostly innocent. FREE HIM. Tagged ByStolen from: @draggeddowntothedark and @the-blackened-doveTagging: Whoever would like to do this??
#🦇 || dashboard games#🦇 || memes#Struggling to wake tf up bc it's fucking storming still#And so muggy gawd#This was fun though#Had to yoink it as soon as Kirk got 96% evil like what????? 😂#In all fairness Kirk you ARE responsible for the creation of Man-Bat!#So yeah you're definitely getting those good boy points docked#Man-Bat being in gay baby bat jail asjdghdgf#Feeling sluggish today but I promised I WILL write so maybe I will catch up on those muse thought drafts?#Man-Bat's gnawing at the brain cage today
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you guys... if you have the means to seek help for mental illness, please do it. it's not a waste of money I promise.
don't be like me, a person so riddled with anxiety and executive dysfunction that I cancel on job interviews just because I cannot fathom being perceived and judged by people I potentially have to work with for the next 10 years or so
#personal#cancelled a job interview today bc it was in a location i have ptsd from#which sucks cuz the environment looks great (through the website) and the job description is great too#but location give me ptsd so in the end i cannot even get up to change clothes bc of how f king scared i am#i wish i had money to get a legal diagnosis so ppl would stop calling me lazy and shit#but i have to save my money for my brother's and mum's medical bills bc they always have appts#i cant afford to get help for myself bc then who's gonna pay for theirs#i feel so bad too... my mum is so understanding letting me take my time to find a job#but then any f2f interview i get i panic and shut down and cancel it... like... why do i do that#for real guys if you're mentally unstable but can afford to get meds or therapy or anything JUST DO IT#i promise it'll be better for you in the long run
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GOD. HELP. PLEASE FORNTHE LOVE OF GOD. HELP ME <- is slightly self-conscious and extremely worried about doing something Incorrectly
#like i promise my og piece for today was sharena centric I PROMISE. I SWEAR. I PROMISE. ON MY LIFE. I SWEAR#like a rule i set for myself was to include alfonse as little as possible and if he's there he's just There#like i was rambling to my sister about it the other day but like. alfonse is an extremely important part of sharena's life#and like sharena is luigi. younger sibling syndrome. ofc she's gonna bring him up he's a huge part of her life#i still don't have the proper words for it but i said it's like misogyny ouroboros. specific phenomenon#where someone is soooo caught up in perceived misogyny (whether it's there or not) that like.#they don't even give the female chara a chance. like eg camilla or charlotte immediately being written off for being oversexualized#and this type of person ONLY focuses on that and refuses to actually engage w camilla or charlotte as characters#under the guise of like. caring about women. and maybe they do! but the way you're doing it you're eating yourself.#and how this relates back to sharena is like. that 'let female characters exist outside of their male counterparts'#WHICH. SOUNDS GOOD. ON THE SURFACE. but like i feel like it's too easy for some people#to see a female chara have a significant tie to a male chara and immediately decide to write her off as 'just that'#when like. ESPPPP in sharena's case. and esppp in alfonse's case. two things are happening here#sharena and alfonse have VERY different ways of expressing their affection for each lther#sharena more overt and alfonse way more subtle. and then there's the mario and luigi thing happening#where mario exists and stands on his own as The Main Guy. objectively#meanwhile luigi is just always thinking about mario and how cool he is. cause he looks up to him#and like idk idk i am not a mario expert i can't do a full analysis/comparison here but like. that's the dynamic they have.#NONE OF THIS IS RELEVANT. or maybe it's Barely Adjacent. to the entry i'm gonna submit#BUT I FEEL SO BAD.... my big piece had sooooooo much more storytelling i promise...........#the one i'm about to post I PROMISE YOU. it's just concept art and the focus was Not primarily on alfonse i swear to god
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happiest birthday to the love of my life @loverrgf baby hiii i am wishing praying begging god for you to get all the happiness and love and success in the world and i hope life loves you more treats you kinder in this upcoming year and you achieve everything you've dreamed and yearned of and you know ive never been good at keeping promises but i am promising you that whatever happens i am always here for you by your side cheering you on listening to you waiting for you loving you okay? so quickly be done with your exams and come back to me because i love you so much and i miss you so much and i need my daily dose of talking to you about nothing and everything for like two hours every night okay ily ❤
#sorry that this is a mess i do not have your amazing web weaving mb making skills i am your fellow disciple 🛐#i know you're scared about the future and 20 but please believe me i promise it's gonna be fine one day you'll look back and be proud of#how far you've come how you persisted even in the worst situations#also im always here for you okay no matter our stupid fights my drama and jealousy and everything i love and appreciate you and i miss you#be annoying and sending 500 asks a day and i miss you sending blurry mirror selfies and pictures of the cat and YOUR POETRY MOST OF ALL#i miss your brain and your heart ily so much you're so special okay my favoritest so shut up and be happy because#im very happy that you were born today 20 years ago today the world would be a boring and pathetic and dark and stupid place without u#okay im shutting up now ily ily ily <33#vio love
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i think someone already drew the first meme w/ those two but whatever, whatever
#tani's personal shit#god really seizing every second today drawing sillies bc i told my cousin i was gonna help her move this fucking 3m heavy metal sheet#from my house to hers w/ an hour long train car ride in the middle.#and her fucking friend who promised come to help her chickened out at the last fucking minute#girl if you promise something you dont back up from it unless you're the one dying#god!#unbelievable#anyway. anyway sillies am i right
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that moment when you’ve had a hell of a day and eat the One Treat You’ve Been Saving as some comfort ;-;;;
anyways i want to be held so bad today
#hush n shush wifi#not brainrot#mmmm peppermint chocolate square....#yes i've had it since christmas shush /lh#still good honestly#peppermint and chocolate is THE flavor combo#i should make peppermint hot cocoa more often. when i actually have peppermint on hand#anyways i almost had a mental breakdown today in front of people so that was fun (it wasn't really)#the entire walk home from that i was just thinking 'i want to be held i want to be held i want to be held'#i think you all know who i wanted to hold me by now#that moment when things messing up your internal plan/schedule makes you almost cry haha#that's twice in one week!! new record maybe?#i don't remember i don't remember anything#anyways sorry to the people on discord who are waiting for a response from me i promise i'll do it when i can <3333#no one's fault here it's just me i promise <333#anyways kinda rant in the tags#how is everyone else!! i hope you're all doing amazing!!#good evening :)
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