#I opened the app went to click profile and long story short I’ve gone through every stage of grief at least 7 times | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jwnbwnjwn · 4 years ago

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Entry 9 (05.09.2021) - (06.04.2021)

Before I get into things, I cant believe I haven’t been on here in almost half a year. Well, to be fair I do get on here, but just for a quick minute to see my small feed and then get off, or whenever I get those notifications from tumblr desperately trying to get me to open their app again. I actually have been meaning to get on here and write, but I guess it became one of things you say and never do. I just felt that there was so much on my life to update on that I kept pushing it back further and further. I know I don't have to, but someday I’d like to see what was going on in my time back in the day - both good and bad, Besides, it’d be an interesting thing for my kids and for my older self to look back upon and see what bullshit went on. Reading off my last entry, I see I brought up that keto diet again. Yeah, that shit never stuck. It was one of those things that I tried once and it went great, and then I kept trying it time after time and it failed every time. Even now, this month, Im still trying to get back into it. And by “getting back into it”, I mean I told Mr. that I was gonna do this diet with him, and then i continued eating like crap - but wait I have an excuse. My sisters birthday was the week that we were supposed to start, so I mean, I couldn’t step out on my sisters birthday bro, I had to eat that good good you know?

Covid is still a thing. Update on that though, I did get vaccinated. My university opened up vaccinations for students and so me and Mr. The first vaccination didn’t hurt at all, to be honest I didn’t even feel the dang thing go in. And it was so funny because after you get the vaccine they monitor you for fifteen minutes and Mr. legit had the worst luck and sat in the only available seat which was in the corner between an Asian girl who was on the verge of throwing up and someone who was laying down in a bed about to pass out. I mean, it was hilarious imagining if they were to throw up on him, and besides with the jokes we made, It was so hard to keep in my laughter. The second vaccine was about two weeks after the first, and there was some sting to that one. I didn’t get any crazy symptoms, but my head was spinning and i felt very tired, the best way I could describe it is when you’re really sleepy and you just wanna sleep all day and your eyes are heavy, like that. Like, the best type of sleepy where you’re about to knock out. The only bad thing to it was your head spinning but thats it, I guess it made you feel very weak aswell.

*Sidenote: It literally took me almost a whole month to come back to this draft and finish it. It is currently 06.04.2021.

Last thing I was talking about was the Covid vaccine. Yeah, the symptoms weren’t too bad, it was just the dizziness I guess. My sister got the vaccine this past month and she experienced the same symptoms as well, and so did Mr., Ice, and my mom. I already finished with my spring semester, and summer classes just started. I’m taking a Crij course this summer just to get it out of the way already, and I am retaking Biol 1 in Summer 2. Aside from this, it has been really shitty. I guess the least worst thing that’s happened so far is that my older brother came to visit back in March this year. I haven’t seen him in a long time, but it wasn’t all exciting. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about him before on here, but long story short, he’s caused my siblings and I a lot of trauma from when we were at a younger age. When he came, it was just one of those things where it was really awkward at first and then it just kind of became a “faking everythings good” type of thing. After this, shit really hit the fan.

I never thought this would be anywhere near a part of my story but,

*Trigger Warning: child exploitation*.

I believe I have mentioned before that I had gone to couples counseling with Mr. This was back in early-midway 2020. We had gotten better, so our counselor saw fit that we stop going. It was scary at first, because we felt like things were just going to collapse again now that no one was going to be there to help support our relationship in a healthy way, but it was actually great. Individually, I was really scared too. I mean, I was used to things blowing up eventually over and over again, so you could imagine the hesitation I had when I had to actually trust Mr. again, and I mean like actually trust. I was practically forced to put my walls down and trust him, and I fought him and our counselor so hard on it, but it was like the whole world was against me because left and right people were telling me to trust him, so I did. I was really worried at first. The first couple of months were normal, but there was several times where I would overthink things, and look for things to go wrong. I’d stay up and stalk his social medias, his friends social medias, like, I was looking everywhere. I guess this is what gave me the slightest hint about what was going on. I had gone through his likes on twitter and saw that he had “hearted” a photo of a girls onlyfans. And it wasn’t just a regular girl, It was someone we knew and went to highschool with. This girl was someone that Mr. and his friends would always tease and bully, and I don’t know why, maybe it’s some misogony, but there is always going to be something sketchy when it comes to a certain group of guys and girls they tease. They say all this stuff about them, but once that girl is exposed in the slightest, they are all there jerking their meat to them. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had clicked on the profile just to see what it was and once he realized what it was he exited out. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and moved on. Towards the end of the year, I’d say around late October, I started believing that things were okay. I even talked to my friends about it and stated how weird it felt for things to be okay, almost as if it felt wrong, but they assured me that if I had nothing to worry about, then don’t. To just be free, be happy. And then my world was crushed. In early to mid December, I woke up to several messages on my phone from a girl I recognized, but never had any contact with. I had previously known her because she was an ex to a former friend of mine. However, because she messaged me on messanger and deleted the messages before I had the chance to read them, I couldn’t see what was said. I was only able to see that I had gotten messages and that they were deleted. I replied to her and asked what was up, because I was extremely confused as to why this girl was messaging me in the first place. Her reply was, “Do you know “Mr.”?. This legit shook me to the fucking core because it is what I had feared all along. I was so tense for months, and once I had finally relaxed, this shit gets thrown in my face. She started asking if I knew my own boyfriend, and said that I might want to talk to him. I remember I kept asking her what was going on, but she just kept repeating the same thing; to talk to him first. And it was really odd because the night before, Mr. had messaged me a long paragraph explaining how he loved me, and how he’s made mistakes, and how life is so hard on him, and just basically explaining himself to me in such a vague way. But I took it to heart, because he opened up to me on his own after months of me asking him to. I didn’t wait to think of it as an apology for what was coming. That was the last message he had sent me before I got the message from this girl. Lets call her Desert. I was spamming Mr. with calls, texts, I even tracked his location and he had turned it off. Eventually I came to the conclusion that he had gone back to doing what he used to, which was something dealing with nudes or that he had cheated on me, or both. I ran to my friends scared half to death; I couldn’t eat, talk, I was freaking the fuck out. It’s almost as if my body knew, and was preparing itself. Mr. got back to me later at night, but he didn’t want to tell me anything about what was going on until I threatened to leave him. I recall telling him that I’m done waiting, and that I needed answers now or I was going to bombard Desert with them and hear it from someone else and leave. This is when he told me. He told me that months ago, after our couples therapy had ended, an old friend of his, someone we went to highschool with, lets call him Bucket. For some insight, Bucket is some bad fucking news. This guy is the last person you would want any of your family around. And I remember he had started talking to bucket and some other friends from highschool again, but I don’t know why my peanut brain didn’t think exactly who he was getting involved with again. Anyways, he told me that Bucket had reached out to him and asked if Mr. had any lewd photos of girls. Reminder: this was something they had been doing back in highschool. Mr. told him no, and that was that. Bucket kept coming back and asking, over and over again, and after Mr. gave some more thought to it, he remembered that he had his old SIM card from his old phone and that he might have something on there. He checked it, and sure enough there was. Let me pause you right here. When we were in couples counseling and as it was coming to an end, I expressed my worries about the SIM card. I had known that Mr. was doing this stuff back then, so I knew he had photos on this card. I think his phone had cracked or something like that, so thats why he got a new phone. When I asked about the SIM card, he said he had given the phone and SIM card to his sister, and that they were gone. I thought it was super weird because not long before that he said that he was hesitant to give the phone to his sister and idk what, it was weird. Anyways, back to the story. Mr. sent the photos to Bucket, and from there was the start of our downfall. Mr. got invested in it, and he got back into trading nudes and lewd photos of girls. This already sounds bad, but the worst part is that these were old photos. This SIM card went years back, and I mean years back to when he was in highschool doing this. What I am trying to get at is that he had photos of girls from highschool, meaning underage for the most part. Mr. is 22, and he was 22 at the time he got invested into this again. I didn’t even know what to think of it. I felt like throwing up, like my intestines were going to come out of my mouth and like I was going to die. I literally had a feeling of disgust and anger, not only for him lusting over other people, but the ages of the people he was lusting over. I, as well as many others, consider this child p^rn. I now had this idea that I was dating this pedophile for years, and was barely finding out. I felt like fucking dying, all those sacrifices, are for this? That was at worst as it got. Desert reached out to me to tell me about this, because Desert was Buckets ex girlfriend, and now babymomma. She had found out and let me know. However, Mr. found out she was doing this and talked to her, and convinced her that he would let me know and that it was for the better, and she let him. Desert sent me screenshots that she had found through Buckets account between him and Mr., and I can’t even begin to describe how hard my heart fell through my ass. It hurt like i just got shot in the throat. It was through her and these screenshots that I also found out that he had previously planned to hook up with one of our old friends, as well as other people. I’m not even going to go into the degrading words he had said about the fellow girlies I (used) to be friends with. It was a fucking mess when I met up with him. I told him that he was a pedophile, and it went to hell from there. I’m talking massive breakdowns, crying, yelling, you name it. I was telling him people were going to report this, hell, I told him I was going to report this. I’ll save you the hours of repetition, I didnt report shit, well, not at this moment. He also let me know that he had been buying this girls onlyfans, remember the girl I mentioned earlier, the one who I caught him hearting photos of? Yeah, he had been buying her onlyfans, and his friends and him were pitching in for it. What ended up happening was that Desert had told me and let me know that she was going to be notifying the girls that these pigs had photos of, and that it was up to them what they wanted to do. I let her know that it was fine, and that I would support whatever it was they did, meaning, if they were to make a report on them, so be it. He’s a grown man, he dug himself in this hole. What ended up coming of it all; I believe she is still notifying the girls about the photos and the pigs, because it’s still being brought up recently. I’m still with Mr., if that’s what you want to know. It hurt a lot, hearing it all, and I took some time for myself to figure out what I want to do, to figure out how to go about it, hell, to catch a breather. We didn’t spend valentines day together because of this. I was there to support him though, because he was scared that each day was going to be his last, meaning either the cops were going to get to him first or he was himself. I was there for him, I supported him, cared for him, even though I was supposed to be the one to receive that treatment. But I did it because I love him. I know it sounds stupid, especially if you consider everything. But I do love him. I’ve known this man for about 5 years, and even though he is such a fucking stupid person, I could tell this wasn’t the way he wanted things for himself. I could tell that he never wanted to be in that place, but it’s where he ended up. Mr. has been going through a rough time lately, I know how difficult things are for him. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but he’s at home all the time taking care of his very ill father. I can only imagine the lengths that something like that would take you through. I know many people suffer with many different things, and many use different outlets to release themselves of this pressure and stress. I believe because this was something that Mr. had previously been involved with, and because Bucket reached out at the time, this was the path that led him to the biggest mistake of his life. He found his comfort in these photos, this environment, these people. I know many struggle with porn addiction, drinking, sex addiction, intrusive thoughts, etc. I just think the demons caught him at the “perfect” timing. I believe he had been suffering through intrusive thoughts for a while. And with the stress and pressure from his family duties and his friends, it led to this. I know it hurt, and I never would’ve pictured ourselves in that situation, ever. But, I also knew that that person I was dealing with, was not the Mr. I knew. I knew he was somewhere in there, but I also knew that he was dealing with something greater than just stress. It was a whole mountain of ugly things. And yeah, I could’ve walked away and moved on with my life, but once you get to know somebody inside and out, and get to know and fall in love with them for every ounce of their being, I don’t believe the choice to “walk out” is there anymore. I believe at that point they become a part of you, they become family. It’s not that I didn’t have the strength or the choice to leave, because I did. It’s more that I couldn’t leave him to suffer knowing that’s what he was doing; suffering. I wanted him to get better, I didn’t want to see him behind bar cells, or even worse. I needed him to get better for himself, and for his future. I know many won’t understand, but that’s alright. As long as we understand, that’s all I needed. We stayed together, and overtime we took care of one another. We now stand in a better place, one where forgiving has been a big part of. It’s going well again. We tried going to couples counseling, but our counselor had a waitlist and pushed it all the way until the coming fall, and I mean im not going to be here so there is not going to be any couples counseling to begin with, but thats alright. We did do it for a week before she had to push us back, and in that week when I opened up to her about what had taken place, she believed it to be the extreme measures to involve cps and make a report. She made a vague report, and since I was the one to speak on it, it was as if I had made the report. However, nothing came out of it because it was not ongoing and cps didn’t think it was extreme enough to open up a case about. I think we have come to a place where were good now though. Recently, one of the explosive girls that they had photos of reached out to Ice, my very close friend, and warned her about the people she was involving herself with. She was talking about me, and how I am involved with Mr. I guess she warned her because people are starting to look at me weirdly for being his girlfriend. Ice let me know, and I told my friends that I would never put them in such a bad situation where they have to like who my partner is, and I let them know that if they felt like I was someone they no longer wanted to be associated with, then I would understand if they left. They didn’t leave. I don’t really care for people to start looking at me weirdly, because it simply isn’t like that. We know the truth, Mr., my close friends, and I, and I am okay with that. He started going to counseling again, and I have found myself at peace with the world. I understand how crazy it can all be y’know? I don’t know how I’ve come to be the person I am today, but I’m thankful for it. I know peace, I know life, and I know what love is. I strive to fill my life with these and live as comfortable of a life that I possibly can. My relationship is good, work is still being done, but it is good. I can ask for nothing more but for us to be blessed with another day of being together.

My relationship with my father has plummeted. I had reached out to him early in the year about what was happening in my relationship, and I did find my comfort in my own dad. However, what I failed to realize was that my own father was a man who had misogynist views of his own. I forgot that he was a creep, and someone who Mr. would end up like if he didn’t try to make himself better. Along with this, I realized the absence he made in my family and the way he treated my siblings. My sister and mom have talked to him, and oh man, did my sister and I let him have it. He knows why we aren’t speaking. He constantly apologizes, says he’s been “joking” about the way he sees woman, as if joking about it for the last 20 years is even possible. It’s just gaslighting, and it’s not working. That’s why we don’t talk anymore. He can’t even realize how sick he is, and tries to save his ass from losing his daughters by calling it “joking”, which evidently makes it worse.

I have reached out to a former professor of mine to be my mentor, and he has said yes. This man is someone I highly respect who I took for an Engl course for my basics. He’s an older man, who just recently retired from teaching. I’m just glad I can be able to remain in contact with someone who I see myself in.

I can also finally say that I am finally moving to my dream university this coming fall. It has all been approved, and I have a dorm and all. I’m very excited, but also saddened to be leaving my family and friends. I also have to share that I have a job now! I am currently a hotel receptionist working night hours, which is where I am writing this blog at right now. I love this job, and I love the people and the hours. It’s very peaceful for a college student like myself.

Well, I’ve finally caught you guys up. I hope it brings you a giggle to say that through writing this, I have a slight lag to my typing because of all the shit I had to say. I’ll try to write more often. I hope you guys remain safe. See you soon.

Ended this at 06.04.2021 at 5:28 AM.

-jen

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