#I only wish I had been attempting this
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@serpentinegraphite
Jesus Christy that's a big beaw
#pokemon#Pokemon go#pokemon photography#Em de Menthe the shiny teddirursa#trick shots#I only wish I had been attempting this#Teddirursa#trainer delcat appeared!#Trainer DELCAT appeared in some guy's yard!
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sketch Twin-Shadowed Knight spoiler
#vampire hunter d#vhd#art#sketch#twin#oh Twin look what did they do to you 🥺#I’ll tuck it away for later now#I want to try a dark (value) color scheme for this if I attack it again#just to put it out there#ya’ll are free to ask me VHD thoughts or chat with me in general (●´⌓`●)💗#I’m sure in Twin’s/D’s eyes they’d probably prefer to die in battle but still#I wish his end was more tender and that he got to know love#That D held his hand as he passed on…#would it have been the only act of love he was shown?#Sacred Ancestor’s ‘equal love ‘ sure#There totally isn’t a favorite child#Would it have been that bad to not seal him away?#I guess it’s part of the tragedy of Twin and his appeal#Atleast D attempted to talk Twin out of it in his own way even if it had failed#anyways goodnight now ✨
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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"
#tw suicide#i wish i was joking#i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych#she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended#she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i#could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence#is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he#could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs#i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the#boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m#to see the psych and escalate care#but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly#it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan#i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access#i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't#there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that#makes sense#ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD#personal#puddleglum hours
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been working on this for a bit and am pretty happy how it turned out with all the guitar mixing :) i love this song and its so much fun to play too, and interesting to figure out all the separate parts and how they work together
#music#cover#song cover#where is my mind#pixies#the parts are so simple (even the solo only took me a few minutes to get the hang of) and they sound so good its very cool#though i have been playing this song for years so it wasnt entirely new#wish i had a house with a basement so i could attempt some vocals but all i got is my little bedroom and desk lol#got reminded i wanted to do this from the doyoulikethissong polls lmao
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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It is so frustrating I have so many things I want to draw at all times but usually when I finally have time to draw anything I am not really enthusiastic about any of my ideas anymore. I want to draw 2 things a week not 2 things in 3 months.
#I was obsessed with rdr for months but only managed a single drawing#I have one drawing of one of my favorite swtor ocs even though I've had her almost a year#I want to draw yseult and johann 23082408 times#not to mention how much art I wanted to make of my bg3 ocs and... didn't#there are still scenes and comics and ideas of Vinka from 2 years ago I wish I had the time to draw#not to mention all the content I want to create for my original stories#also there's so much skeleton art still to make#I've wanted to get back into pixel art forever#I don't even attempt fanart of canon characters anymore because I just don't have time#and I'd rather focus the time and energy I have on personal things with no other content for them I guess#Oh also I've been meaning to redraw my changeling for like a year now too....#I could do so much with the time I spend at work doing useless things that help nobody and don't bring me any joy#sigh#anyway rant over#better to use my time to actually draw than complain
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i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will not get in pointless arguments over my favorite video game guy online. i will n
#if you dont take into account that albus is just as traumatized by barlowe as shanoa is you are wrong about him ok#and so many of his illogical actions can be traced back to how he responded to his trauma#and i literally discussed this EXACT TOPIC in the ooe section of my video#like. you can criticize his actions but to imply that albus never cared about shanoa *as a person* is fucking stupid and youre going to die#like. are we ignoring the line from pre-amnesia shanoa in that flashback that implied she wouldve done exactly the same thing for him#are we ignoring that so much of what happens after albus's death is driven by shanoas own agency#albus never knew the whole truth. shanoa chose to find it. shanoa chose to raid the castle. shanoa chose to use dominus anyway despite#albus's wishes because she saw saving humanity as more important.#albus had no part in any of those decisions#'ooooeh albus had a big brother complex and cared more about protecting shanoas innocence than her life' im going to kill you#he gave up the only home he ever had he made himself the enemy to everyone who ever cared about him he gave up his life twice#and yes he could have told her. but loyalty towards barlowe had been so engrained in the both of them#even when he found out barlowe lied he was like 'no he would never do that to me' at first. like genuinely#hes scared of the idea of control being taken from him; because it already had been#and his attempts to actually have any control over the situation got the autonomy OVER HIS BODY stolen from him via possession#idk banging my head against the wall. the game is more nuanced about this idea than you think#i am an albus defender till i die. goodnight
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crazy how i’ve never known a time when i wasn’t masking or overperforming in order to impress adults, so for the majority of my schooling no adult in my life ever noticed there was something off about how i interpreted and interacted and that it was not easy to keep up with the pace they expected me to be at, or they willfully ignored it because some woman when i was seven had told them i was supposed to be too smart to struggle
#then there was the fact that i had internalized this by about fifth or sixth grade and i never wanted the other kids to look at me like they#were already starting to; i.e. a weirdo they wouldn't want to be friends with#but this sentiment only occurred to me when i was around ten by which time it was DEFFO too late#because i'd been being blissfully weird for the past five years at that point and they knew that#i spent most of middle and high school now also masking for the benefit of my peers in a all-hands-on-deck attempt to Be Likeably Normal#it was the most crucial thing in my life at the time. i had to be liked by every group of kids i couldn't carry the stain of Weird Kid#or i felt like it would completely end my life#i hung out with a set of alt kids and they had a reputation i was trying to break away from as 'too weird to be likeable' they were all very#like NICE and COOL and for the most part able to keep up with the fact that i didnt know any of their alt interests#but if i acted like i liked them too much then i'd be ostracized from the approval i *really* wanted so i was a pretty bad friend i think#not to their faces i just. was always looking over the fence so to speak#i stopped associating with jon or any of the other kids who (by then i knew) probably shared my neurodivergences#because that was the lowest social rung and i couldn't be seen there without ruining my chances at Being Respected#so no tss's who would help me with any emotional issues no being friends with jon no talking to anyone in that camp#so there's never been a time in my life when i wasn't constructing a type of person to be interacted with by others that they'd approve of#and i guess i got fairly good at it because it's basically my Self now but i wish it wasn't sometimes#then again that would open up a whole new can of problems
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💯💯💯
Commenters are a writer’s lifeblood. We write for ourselves, we share not to feel so alone. Thank you to those of you who have made me feel less alone. 💚
Dude it is SO FUN and EXCITING to see a reoccurring reader. If you've commented a handful of times on an author's work, I guarantee that they recognize you. You can't imagine how many times I've excitedly informed my friends "the person with the funny cat image commented!" "- anon is back!!!!" and the friends've recognized who I was talking about because I talk about my commenters so often LOL. We love you all!!!
#everyone ignore this because I’ve had an edible in an attempt to get to sleep#but#do not be anonymous#if you’re anonymous to me because you’ve only ever left a like#I feel like I’m anonymous to you#the difference is#you’ve read something with my heart in it#you’ve read something that I’ve poured my hurt into#something that contains my pain my hopes my ‘maybe one day I’ll have a love like that and I hope you will too’#people have read all of that#humans with the same pain and hopes and wishes#have read all of that#and left a mere finger twitch in return#and made writers feel more alone#than if someone had done nothing at all#because it didn’t matter enough#I didn’t matter enough#I didn’t move you enough#I’m not good enough#and frankly that has me pretty fucked up lately#I will probably delete this in the morning#but that’s been on my mind
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Hi 👋, My name is Mohammad, and I’m reaching out in a moment of desperate need. I’m a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. 💔
I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future.
Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶
If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏
Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤��🩹
https://gofund.me/fd1faea2 🔗
I truly do wish i had something to give I'm currently living paycheck to paycheck so I don't have much money I can spare but hopefully answering and thus sharing this can help you out
#i mentioned it last time but i dont have many followers or much reach but i will attempt to spread the word#ill admit me an many US Citizens are currently grieving for our LGBTQ+ Neurodivergent Disabled and AFAB members#family or otherwise were facing potentially the most dangerous thing in our lives prepairing to happen in mere months#but you all have been fighting that and more for so much longer i only wish we had more we could offer...
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slow coiling dread in my stomach realizing ive failed in my one role in the system - that my failure is not just familiar but identical, even surpassing, the failure ive criticized in others amongst my own . was it not fear and knowing, truly knowing that drove my word and my heart
#who am i and what is my purpose#existing as a portion within a whole leaves one reaching and wondering#i dont know if i would have chosen this#i dont think this was a choice#if i cannot succeed even in my role#truly what am i#structurally do i exist. could it be seen on scans. has it been attempted.#i wish i had the physical ability to go learn more about the brain i want to understand desperately#i dont know if i will ever forgive myself for being born wrong and it keeping me from higher ed#i wish higher ed wasnt the only way to learn certain subjects#especially at the current time it is so hard to find information i just want to learn
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Fucking exhausted from my grocery shop today and dad drops that all the fuckin work i did clearing shit on monday/tuesday that he SAID needed to be done "as soon as possible" aka THAT DAY when i was ALREADY SUPER FATIGUED is FUCKINGGGGG USELESSSSSSS
i am. Pure rage.
#my fatigue has been so fucking bad my health is getting worse my POTS is getting worse i've had such bad side effects of this fuckin meds#i could have fuckin used the energy i WASTED on that fuckin cleaning#I'D FEEL LESS SHITTY TODAY IF I HADNT DONE THAT SHIT#MY SLEEP CYCLE WOULDNT BE SO FUCKRD#i am trying not to have a melt/shutdown and i am trying not to cry with pure frustration#if you dont want to fuckin clean it say that dont fuckin indirectly blame me#christ i cant keep up with life what the fuck am i supposed to do#welp shutdown incoming ha ha#not only that but being proud of myself for smth and then having the rug yanked out from under me is a huge trigger#so not only was i already burned out snd exhausted i'm now massively triggered bc that thing i was somewhat proud of#has proved to be a massive waste of time and effort and energy and it's like having that achievement torn away from me#awesome. great. fuck i wish i had some weed#honestly i should have asked to go into the psych ward in june instead of july. sigh.#gonna be not-funny funny when my psych asks how im doing and i get to tell her between the last appt and admittance i've struggled with#active suicidal feelings ~3+ times ha ha#and then no doubt someone will say “at least you didnt attempt” yeah well thats only bc i'm scared of failing and being more disabled#the second i'm too distraught to worry abt that it's fuckin over for me bitches#anyway i would like to die in my sleep#maybe i stop the blood pressure meds and hope for a heart attack
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Mickey they could never make me hate you. Even WHEN you were the dirtiest white boy in America. V THAT MAY BE TRUE but he's also soooo pretty so he gets a pass cuz he's so babyboy and babygirl and an angel that deserved so better like fucking love and compassion and pride and adoration from his fucking shithead father. (if you can't tell I'm on my season 2 shit) honestly he was so much more dirty white boy tm in season 1 tho...
”I came out for you, you piece of shit”
YES YOU DID MICKEY. YES THE FUCK YOU DID.
#mickey milkovich they could never make me hate you#mickey milkovich is a perfect angel#babygirl has never done anything wrong a day in his life#the babygirlification of mickey milkovich#the dirtiest white boy in America#i think crying in iggys arms about all the shit terry used to do to him would heal him honestly#like i think maybe mickey had suicidal tendencies that iggy never knew about and he almost succeeded one time#when the shit with svetlana happened and she brokenheartedly made him promise to fucking stop when he overdosed on some pills and he did#but it didnt stop him self harming until the day he didnt feel so trapped with no way out and hearing all that fucking broke iggys heart#and he apologizes to mickey for abandoning him because thats his lil bro and he never knew he was hurting that bad#and maybe mickey always thought iggy would kill him for being gay if he ever ran into him but wouldnt seek him out cuz of his worthlessness#so when he finally runs into iggy on the west side hes fucking scared cuz he was wrong iggy finally decided to hunt him down and kill him#and that broke iggy almost as much as the feeling suicidal for the longest time and he didnt even know thing#and he ends up telling mickey that hes actually known mickey was gay since he was 13 and he now wishes he would of been there for him#wishes that he wouldve protected him and let him know it was ok but he cant change the past but he wants to be there for him now if allowed#i just fucking need mickey and iggy bonding#i need mickey and iggy hurt/comfort#maybe its revealed that mickey used to sneak into iggys room as a little boy at night after/when terry was a monster and cry in his arms#while iggy kissed his hair until he fell asleep when mickey falls to his knees and starts crying like a baby in his arms and iggys rocking#with mickey and kissing his hair and telling that hes here for him just like old times and mickey says “ 's the only time i ever felt safe#“ 'y were my safe place” and iggys all like i know im sorry babybrother and maybe lip walks in on it and is an asshole about it#cuz he thinks its weird but ian is having NONE of it cuz his baby NEEDS this but lip also feels bad for mickey#cuz its fucked up that he wanted off himself cuz his dad had him feeling trapped and dead inside and wanting to do anything to get away#and maybe hes not so much of an asshole to mickey after cuz ians right mickey DID need that#idk where the fuck this came from cuz this so wasnt the original point of the post or the reblog at first but here we are#and i really need this fic cuz just mickey and iggy hurt comfort like this would be heartbreakingly beautiful#mickey milkovich#i think i need to iterate that its mandy that makes mickey promise to stop trying to commit suicide not svet#cuz he would do anything for mandy even when she leaves and the urge still stays cuz she was heartbroken when she saved him from the attempt#and hed never wanna hurt her like that again even when she leaves and hes fucking hurting still but hed never want to put her through more
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