#I often downplay myself so this is a good reminder people appreciated my presence | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nol-an · 4 years ago

Text

it was good until it wasn’t || n. patrick

inspired by the prompt, “please don’t make me choose.”

2k worth of A N G S T!! um yea haven’t written in over two years and this is my first hockey fic so bear with me. feedback is always appreciated! (this is not proofread and im sure there are probs some plot holes- oops)

__________

For so long, everything had felt too good to be true. Nolan finally accomplished his dream of playing in the NHL, and you had gotten into your dream school in Philadelphia. To you, there was nothing more important than pursuing a career in the medical field and being able to do that with Nolan on your side.

At times, the long study nights, missed plans, and occasional stressed-induced breakdowns made you question if you were ever going to meet your end goals. That feeling was definitely not foreign to you, but it didn’t necessarily make coping with the thought any easier. It was a weird feeling — four years of undergraduate school almost felt like too much yet not enough time. There was so much you wanted to accomplish, and you sometimes wished you weren’t so ambitious because the days where you felt incapable of being successful were the days that you wanted nothing more than to wallow in your fears alone.

Luckily for you, Nolan was incredibly understanding of your fears. While he knew his life as an athlete was drastically different from your life as a student, he tried his best to understand your thoughts and always told you how much he admired your drive to reach your goals. No matter how often you tried to internalize your emotions, Nolan knew better and never hesitated to be your rock. Be it in the form of verbal or physical reassurance, his presence radiated a sense of comfort that always brought you out of any illusion of doubt you may have conjured.

He doesn’t tell you enough, but you have a similar effect on him. Your gentle touches, cute pre-game texts, and warm hugs never fail to bring a smile to his face. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not quite sure what he would do without you. It’s not really a thought he has to worry about, though, because for what felt like a blissful eternity, the stars aligned for you two. There were undoubtedly times when Nolan and you would run into disagreements, but the desire to make things work seemingly mended any issues in the relationship.

That was, however, until everything seem to come to a head. With your MCAT exam date approaching very soon and Nolan’s season with the Flyers starting just as quickly, it was hard for the two of you to bask in each other’s presence like usual. It wasn’t something either of you really noticed, as you both understood how important the other’s career was. You knew how important this comeback season for Nolan would be, and you tried your best to let him know that you would support him no matter what. He didn’t have to say it, but you knew a lot of doubts were rushing through your boyfriend’s head and you almost mistook his increasingly reserved demeanor as nerves.

In fact, you didn’t really give it much thought until Nolan came home from his fourth game of the season. As badly as you wished you could have attended, the remaining hours you had to prepare for the MCAT were previous and you reassured Nolan that you would be his number one cheerleader again as soon as you got the dreaded test out of the way.

Your nose was stuffed into a psychology textbook until your trance was broken with the slam of the front door to you and Nolan’s shared apartment.

“Hi, baby,” you greeted as you got out of your seat to hug your freshly-showered boyfriend. If the sound of the front door was any indication, you had a feeling that the game didn’t go as desired, and you didn’t want to push any touchy subjects. On more than one occasion, Nolan had told you how much he liked how he could escape from hockey in your presence. He loved that he could escape from that part of his life, loved how you made him feel like a normal guy. You thought this would be one of those nights where even the word “hockey” wouldn’t be uttered, but you were wrong. So wrong.

“You’re not gonna ask how the game went?” Your boyfriend pressed, his tone bitter. Pulling away from your hug, he turned his back to you all too soon and he walked towards the kitchen.

“I-I mean, you know I’m always here to listen about your games, but I just thought you wouldn’t want to talk about it?” you meekly replied, unsure of where he was going with the conversation.

You weren’t entirely sure what the outcome of the game was, but you were definitely confused. Nolan usually didn’t like talking about the Flyers’ losses, but you were so sure something went wrong based on his dramatic entrance into your shared home.

Prompted by his silence, you continued, “Um, so was it a win?” you uttered, regretting your words as soon as they slipped off your tongue.

Slamming his water bottle on the countertop, Nolan’s actions caused your words to dissipate. Silence filled the room, the tension almost palpable.

“Well you would know if you were there, wouldn’t you?” he replied, clearly annoyed by your seemingly stupid question.

Alright, so definitely not a win.

“Nols,” you tried to reason, “You know I wanted to be there so badly, but I couldn’t. The MCAT is almo-” you were abruptly cut off.

“I know. The MCAT is only two weeks away and it’s super important for you. It’s been the same thing for weeks now, you don’t have to remind me,” Nolan finished your sentence, his monotonous and resentful tone making it clear that he had already heard the same words from you numerous times before.

Had it not been for this same tone, you would have brushed off his comment. You would have instead attributed his harshness to tonight’s loss, which would have been the third one in a row. However, his response felt condescending — like he was downplaying how important the MCAT actually was to you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you quipped. It felt like you just recited the most cliche line in the book, but your brain and heart had already started functioning at two different rates. If you attempted to say any more, your stress from the upcoming exam mixed with the rising argument you sensed would have surely sent you into a pool of tears.

“It’s just exhausting you, know?” Nolan started, “I know you’re busy with your own things, but it sucks seeing all of the other guys getting to hug their girlfriends and wives at the tunnel at the end of games while I know I can’t have the same with you. I mean, is it so much to ask of you to just be there for me? How am I supposed to believe that you want the best for me when you aren’t even acting like it?” he argued.

“‘So was it a win?’” he bitterly recited your earlier question, scoffing at it. “You could have at least Googled the score and pretended like you were keeping up.”

You didn’t know what to say. Your confusion immediately turned into anger and shock — you thought Nolan, out of all people, would have understood your situation. Not being able to wrap your head around his current state of irrationality, it felt like hours passed before you willed yourself to reply.

“I've attend almost every game of yours. I’m sorry I haven’t been so good at that recently, but you know how much I want to do well on this exam,” you seethed.

You were trying to stay level-headed, but anger consumed any possibility of making the discourse calm. “My life does not revolve solely around your career, and I’m sure as hell not going to always be able to put my life on hold to make sure I know what the scoreboard of every game is.” You couldn’t help but let every one of your words become coated in frustration. You thought everything you were saying was so obvious, and you couldn’t help but become more upset with the fact that you even had to reiterate these points to Nolan.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not even dating someone,” Nolan dryly responded. “Feels like all you do nowadays is drone on and on about this test. Is this what the rest of our relationship it gonna be like? I mean, I can’t imagine what things are gonna be like once you’re in med school,” he hastily commented, pacing around the kitchen.

Every one of his words felt like a punch to your gut. His words hurt more than your face let on, every instinct in your body asking —no, begging— you to flee your current predicament.

“I don’t know what to say,” you truthfully replied.

“Is there even room for me in your life anymore?” he questioned, adding fuel to the fire. “It feels like I’m always second to your fantasy life as a doctor.”

This was your last straw. Sure, you could have tried to see the validity in his initial argument if you gave yourself time to cool down. But now, it felt like he was mocking you. The same person that made your goals feel attainable was starting to break down your confidence. The confidence that he helped you construct was now crumbling, brick by brick.

“Nolan, you mean so much more to me than that. Please, I would never want you to feel this way, and I know we can work this out we just need to tal-” you were cut off once more.

“I don't know if I can do this anymore,” he cryptically stated, letting your worst fears fester around the kitchen that felt way too cramped now.

“Nol, please,” you pleaded. Your anger immediately shifted to dread.

“I want you to achieve your dreams more than anything, but I don’t know if I see myself in these future plans if this is what the rest of your career is supposed to be like. Do I even have a place in your future plans?” Nolan sighed.

Your stomach dropped. Even though he didn’t explicitly state it, you knew what he was hinting at. It was your career or him, and he was making it clear that having both in your life wouldn’t be feasible. As if he pulled out the last brick, you finally let all of your walls down. Tears freely flowed down your face, as you tried to convince yourself that you were hearing wrong. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs. Of course you saw Nolan as part of your future. Hell, he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. However, his seeming disregard for your career aspirations was off-putting and made you reconsider everything.

Your eyesight, blurry from your tears, tried to focus on the hockey player. Your dejected state urged you to reason with him, but you were unsure of what to do.

“Please, Nolan. Please don’t make me choose,” you pleaded. In comparison to your vulnerable state, Nolan was composed. It was as if he rehearsed this, his blank stare void of emotion. You tried to come closer to him, but his body language told you that your touch wasn’t welcome.

“I don’t have to,” Nolan pushed himself off the counter, “The fact that you don’t already know your answer already tells me what I need to know,” he stated. Grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter, he headed to the front door before you could gather your emotions and form words.

Your anger, confusion, and hurt seemed to weigh you down, gluing your feet to the ground. As much as you wanted to stop his exit from the apartment, your body kept you in place. With a second slam of the front door, the gust of wind from the heavy door whiffled through your long-forgotten textbook, the sound of the pages ruffling mocking you. The silence following Nolan’s exit was deafening. You never thought Nolan would make you choose between your relationship with him and your career. You thought you knew a lot of things about life, really, but this was certainly something you were not prepared for.

Your world was spinning, orbiting into a field of anguish and heartbreak. As if your brain hadn’t quite registered the turn of events, you almost thought about calling for Nolan until you were cruelly reminded that reaching for him was no longer an option. Your rock was gone, and you were lost.

#nolan patrick fic #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick #nhl imagine #nhl fic #my writing

141 notes · View notes

heroesarelife · 6 years ago

Note

Similar to the ask about how they’d celebrate their s/o birthday, what if the s/o of Deku, Tokoyami and Shouji (it’s okay if you don’t do Shouji or Tokoyami) Found Out their s/o forgot it was their own birthday? Mine is tooand it completely went over my head due to my school schedule needing more attention than myself at the moment 😅 Thanks in advance 😁🍀

Heya! Such a cute ask, so lets go for it! I changed shouji for kirishima since it’s just been our boy’s birthday _

Midoriya Izuku

This boy would know their brithday months in advance, he definitely would. He has a notebook, see. Just like the ones he holds for heroes, but he has a special one just for the people of importance to him, filled with the most unnecessary - and in other circumstances downright stalk-ish - wee details about their lives, tastes, alergies, likes and dislikes and so on. Nothing escapes his observant eye and unmatched gentle heart.

In classic nerd fashion, he would jot down new ideas for his s/o birthday whenever they would occur to him, be it about gifts or just activities, who to invite (and who not to), if he ended up doing a full outing.

So by the time the date starts to approach (almost a month away, we are dealing with an anxious boy here), he will look them up and start making more concrete plans, he will even get a detailed copy of his s/o schedule by hacking into their google calendar somehow, just so his planning will be viable.

Likewise, the always observant Midoriya doent’s fail to notice how absolutely busy his s/o is. Not only schedule-wise, but how their mind seem to be always planning and occupied with something and things and other people and the wolrd - with not much to spare for themselves. He starts suspecting that they might be forgetting a very special date.

He knows he’s absolutely right by the day before the birthday, with his s/o having made no allusion or comment about their birthday and what they would like to do. And Midoriya, more than willing to take that weight out of their (very busy) shoulders, thought it best to not ask and remind them. He’s got it.

Given how busy his s/o is, he plans something subtle, more intimiate and relaxing, as opposed to an outing which would demand more energy.

There would be no warning either, he would approach the whole thing very subtly, like. Making sure to make his s/o remember that they would have a date night or somesuch, downplaying it as if he just misses spending time with them and wouldn’t it be nice?

So his s/o will be completely surprise that at some point during their “date”, Midoriya gives them a gift and has a small cake as well, for the hell of it. For a second they even panic thinking perhaps they forgot an anniversary or some othe important date, I mean, it can’t be chirstmas already can it?

Midoriya thinks is the cutest and feels a bit guilty for making them worry, but ends up reminding them is their birthday. He also tells them to be careful and take some time for themselves, but they know it’s half-hearted, what, coming from the embodiment of overworking himself.

Kirishima Eijiriou

With a heart that could fit within its maleable boundaries the whole world and the entirety of its population - pets included, no need to ask - with ease and space to spare, Kirishima would never purposefully leave his s/o’s birthday uncelebrated.

The key word here being purposefully. With enough naive distraction to compensate for the excess of kindness, he would easily get caught up in his infinite activites and the birthday would slip his mind (to his horror), despite having a bunch of notes in his calendar.

He thought, surely he would notice or remember one of the notes that he places in different notebooks and in different colours with varying degrees of saturation. Boy, he was wrong. That is to say, he notices it, but a day later and it takes all his self-control and Bakugou’s rough intervention for him to not bang his head againts the wall and destroy it in the process.

He panics for a bit, thinking surely his s/o would be upset, he didn’t even wish them happy birthday, for crying out loud! He feels lousy and as the worst boyfriend on earth. He is pretty much ready to get on his knees and apologize to them. And then his s/o calls him acting with all naturality and it strikes him that they, too, had forgotten, which leaves him hertbroken.

He’s a man on a mission now: he needs to do something for his s/o, they deserve the absolute best because they are amazing and he’s not going to let their birthday go unnoticed, that’s not manly at all. He wants them to feel loved and appreciated.

Ends up managing to put something together in record time, with an outstanding level of friend’s help and presence that only someone with his unique level of charisma is capable of pulling. Bakusquad is definitely involved - Bakugou is extraordinarily efficient despite the fowl mouthed complains - and most of the class; he’s well liked.

He tricks his s/o into leaving the confines of their room and their deadlines to come and meet him at a close by park at dawn of that very same day. One day after the offiial birthday date, but it’s something.

His s/o is clueless, tired and had needed some good-herated convincing, but they show up only to find an open-air improvised barbeque gathering with Kirishima and their friends. There’s music from improvised speakers, improvised fairy lights wrapped around the trees of the area, it’s nice, chill and good spirited.

Kirishima will “drive” the barbeque, having smartly been left out of cake duty to favour the more talented (aka not turning it into a sorry piece of coal), such as Satou.

He gives his s/o the biggest of hugs, enjoying the delighted surprise in their faces when they see everything.

Tokoyami Fumikage

Not too big on celebrations, this one. He doesnt like fuss over his own birthday, and will miss entirely the point on why someone else would want a fuss either. He finds it annoying and unnecessary and if his s/o were the party type, he would go (aka endure it) for their sake.

It doesn’t mean, however, that he will not do anything. In fact, he’s a bit nervous about it, unsure on what would be the best choice. He doesn’t wat to do nothing, but he doesn’t want too much either. Such a hard balance.

Dark Shadow is the stark opposite of helpful, hammering wild and ridiculous ideas nonstop at his ear and looking like he’s having a blast for that, the bastard. No he’s not going to pay airplanes to make a firework show using his s/o’s name, don’t be daft.

He will remember the birthday with some time in advance, perhaps 2 weeks. A romantic at heart, he will have made a note at some time or another that your birthday is a thing to come and to do something about, of course.

He will prefer to do something private, just him and his s/o. A nice meal that he knows they like, maybe an apple pie for desert? Because you know, apples make everything better always. It will look like a nice date, if anything, and his s/o won’t quite process that it’s a special occasion with only that. They have meals together often, including the rose at the center of the table. Nothing new.

The special part is the gift. He gave it some thought. Perhaps too much thought. Tried writng them poetry, but ends up embarrassed and with a bin overflowing with discarded scribbled papers, so he loses the courage and changes his mind.

Ends up making poetry after all, but he tells himself is cooler because its in the form of a song. He’s not a professional player by any means, but his guitar is a good hobby and he compensates lack of skill with the honest heart behind his composition. There’s also flowers, lots of flowers. Roses, of course.

It’s a bit tacky, since it ends up feeling like a bit too much, but it shows how much thought and awkward energy went into it, which is endearing in and by itself.

He ends up going a bit overboard afterall and purchases matching rings (promise rings, but he didn’t realise they were that specific type, he just liked the gothic design they had), given them together with a lovely card to his by now stunned s/o after he finishes the song.

The hilarious part is that, after he gives his s/o all those things they are unsure how to react, completely lost on what all this means. He has failed to tell them “happy birthday” and they are more than a little confused and slightly scared. Is Tokoyami perhaps asking them in marriage or something?

They end up asking that outloud, leaving Tokoyami absolutely mortified and makind Dark Shadow laugh maniacally. It’s also Dark Shadow that ends up clarifying the whole thing to his s/o, as Tokoyami takes a while to recover from the shock and is sulking.

#Kirishima Eijirou #eijirou kirishima #midoriya izuku #bnha #Tokoyami Fumikage #fumikage tokoyami #izuku midoriya #bnha imagines #original content #sfw #headcanons #fluff

85 notes · View notes

chal-converts-archive · 6 years ago

Text

Wrote this sort of diary entry this past week on the meaning of “home” and about being seen and thought I’d share it here. It’s long so it’s under a cut.

On the meaning of ‘Home’

As I confirm my plans to travel back to the town I grew up in to visit my parents at the house I spent my high school years in, for the purpose of memorializing my grandmother, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of home.

We mean a lot of things when we say we’re going home. Maybe home is a place, the house you live in, your household. Or maybe it’s the place you’re from – your hometown, or the street you grew up on or the house where you lived. If home isn’t a place, though, what is it then? Is it a feeling? Certain people? A community?

I’ve used all of these definitions personally, in my life.

Home is where your house is.

When I come home from work, I’m often exhausted, hungry, ready to be away from people. I come home to my house, where I can kick off my shoes, change into pajamas, and snuggle my cats. My house is definitely my home.

I work in housing, and every day I fight the heartbreaking battle of protecting people’s houses and apartments from being taken away from them due to poverty. My old, smallish, modest rental house feels lavish when I’m confronted daily with the struggles of my clients. (I try to remember that when my ceiling leaks or when the mice got into my spice drawer.)

Home is also where the heart is.

More importantly than the house, I come home to my partner. He’s out of town right now, and it is so much less of my home for it. When we travel together, though, I’m still home. Home, because he’s there.

Recently, I had the pleasure of visiting my bestie three hours north of here where I used to live. That was a kind of homecoming too, sitting on an unfamiliar hotel couch together.

Home is where your family is.

For me, I am blessed to be able to count both blood relatives and chosen family in that number. Of course my partner and bestie are chosen family, and I can definitely find ‘home’ wherever they are.

On the other hand, my parents’ home is still in some ways my home, too. My parents and I have been on a long journey together as a family, and I am so grateful that while our paths diverged for a while there and I felt very distant from them, we have come back together and are working on growing our points of connection in spite of our differences. We all had a lot of learning and growing to do, and I’m thankful that we are now on the path of being able to do that together. I can definitely say that there is some ‘home’ in the way they know me – for who else has known me my whole life? Who sees me the way that they do?

And yet, I’d be lying if I gave the impression that I always feel seen by them. There are many ways in which I don’t. There were parts of my life where the pain of that was almost unbearable, but now it has lessened greatly. They see pieces of me that no one else does and I have learned to deepen my appreciation of that, but they miss pieces that I don’t yet feel like I can share with them, possibly ever.

I find myself much less hurt by this now that I’ve become religious, however. I’ve found that no human being is ever fully seen by another human being and that expecting anyone to see you like this is an impossible, unfair standard. The only times I have ever felt fully seen – in all the terrifying vulnerability that brings – is when I have stood in the Presence of Hashem. Feeling truly known and *seen* is exhilarating, dizzying, and frightening.

It’s hard to feel invisible and not seen by other people. It can cause great sadness and isolation. I don’t mean to downplay the harm it can cause, as I have vast swathes of myself that people rarely recognize and validate as present, as real, as good, and that can lead to an aching need to be known in a way that I know, deep down, will never happen.

Now, however, when I start to feel that sort of longing, I try to call up those times that I really have felt seen, particularly when I am consciously standing before the Shechinah, and how I never understood the concept of yira until then. Perhaps, then, it’s best that other people simply aren’t capable of seeing us like that.

But even if we aren’t ever fully known or fully seen by others, feeling safe in being your truest self is a kind of home as well.

Home is where you can be yourself.

Queer and trans people often unfortunately find this out the hard way by having to be closeted at home, but are also blessed with the gift of discovering the joy of being in the community once you come out enough to take part. I had somewhat forgotten this until Pride this past weekend jolted me into memory. Walking in the parade reminded me of the strength I take from sharing space with other people who are like me in some small way.

But I think the iteration of home that I’ve been fixated on the most lately is the home you’re still finding, the home you haven’t been to yet.

Sometimes, home is the heart.

Growing up, I knew that there was a home I hadn’t been to yet. I was constantly escaping into my head, into ‘my world,’ into fantasy and daydreams. I had whole elaborate plots and worlds and twists and turns where I could play with ideas I was not yet comfortable with and pieces of myself that had not yet come to fruition. And as I look back on my religious upbringing, as much as I loved my church and the people in it, and as much as they served as something of an extended family to me, it was never home. There was always something a little alien about it to me.

I could never place exactly why, or what was wrong, but there was always something slightly off about it, slightly painful. It never quite sat right. And on the contrary, I had this sense that there was something else out there, something better. And so there was always some part of me that was searching the stars for meaning. I did not have the words or the ideas to know, but I had a Jewish soul, longing and all.

So now, to find myself immersed in Jewish community, it’s still a bit of a shock to the system. I’m home! But I’ve never really been home before – not like this, anyway – and there’s a bittersweetness in having to learn how to exist somewhere that finally, finally feels like home. It’s home alright, but I still have to acclimate and acculturate to it. That can absolutely inject some sadness into an otherwise quite happy endeavor; on the other hand, the homesickness that comes from having to leave Jewish spaces now and go back out into weeds reminds me that I have, indeed, found a home here.

While my parents definitely know and are for the most part supportive, the rest of that community doesn’t. When I go back, I will be engaging a memorial service in a way that will now feel more alien to me than ever, and I will have to hide my discomfort. That will be a challenge, but I am unwilling to force my parents to have even more profoundly uncomfortable conversations with their community because I once again found solace in something they cannot and aren’t going to understand.

There’s also much that could and probably should be said about the irony of finding a true home in a diasporic people; particularly a people notorious for being chased out of home after home after home throughout its long history. What I’ve learned from this, though, is that the Jewish understanding of home both encompasses and transcends all of these definitions of home, precisely because of its history and experiences. There is longing, yes, for a (literal or figurative) homecoming to Zion. In the meantime, however, home is wherever your people are.

Yes, I’m going home to visit my parents. That’s a kind of home, in some ways, even still. I have evolved almost past the point of recognition, and yet, there are still pieces of it, of me, to where I would still call it home. But paradoxically, I’ll be leaving home to go do it.

#personal post #chal's journey

6 notes · View notes

tomoyanosekai · 3 years ago

Text

Distance and Perspective ~ 24 Years~

“How much have I grown?”

I really don’t know how to start this month’s post. I just don’t. If anything, the most I can say is that I’ve been alive for 24 years as I celebrated another birthday this month. When thinking back on my 23rd year of life, I can say that it’s been a quiet year, but at the same time, it’s been another year of growth. As I sit down to write this month’s post, the only thing I can feel is a sense of frustration; aside from the fact that I feel frustration in trying to start this post in some clever way, I’m feeling frustration in more ways than one. But if I were to think honestly about this month and turning 24, the thing I feel more than a sense of accomplishment is a sense of frustration when thinking about my own personal growth.

“I’m 24 years old.”

As I look back at this month in terms of turning another year older, the only thing I can say is that I felt increasingly lonely this year. As I learn to figure out how to balance and live life as a proper adult, I’m only realizing more and more just how lonely life is going forward, and it doesn’t help that life is still mostly closed off due to COVID as I spend most of my time at home. But as I look back at the past eight years worth of thoughts through blogging, every post is dedicated to how I perceived the world, and likewise, with perceiving the world, I also continued to observe and fixate on how much I’ve grown through every situation. But the thing I’ve begun to wonder is why I chose to focus on my own growth specifically. Within the past, there was always a sense of naive optimism that when faced with an overwhelming situation, I always wanted to persevere and downplay the severity of the situation. Now coming into the present, there’s still some traces of that optimist, but on closer inspection: I’ve become more jaded and calloused towards life. I could accept when things looked bad, but although I still try to be an optimist, there’s a sense of cynical realism that gets mixed in; only leaving me jaded. It didn’t help that the thing I kept continually doing was comparing myself to other friends and what they were doing with their lives. I felt like I should be doing more with my life or at least know more or thinking deeply more about my faith, but wasn’t; especially since I went to Biola. Because of that: I felt I wasn’t good enough in terms of my own growth as a person.

Likewise, if I were to be very honest about this birthday, I wanted to be forgotten. Most of my friends are gone and I’m always stuck at home, and I didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that people would probably only remember me because of a notification on social media. I only continued to feel more and more regret since I took the presence of my friends for granted during college when they wanted to celebrate. However, at some point, I felt like I needed to let go of my past so I could continue moving forward with my life in order to grow. After months of trying to reach out and staying in contact with various friends throughout the years to try and fill that void, I only became more exhausted and jaded despite doing my best. There was no other way for me to move on since I was stuck at home. I eventually figured that the best way to let go of my past was through convincing myself that I was forgotten by everyone and that overwhelming myself with loneliness was the best way to continue moving forward. I didn’t need to become vulnerable with others while also allowing me to keep a distance so I wouldn’t get emotionally attached. However, although it wasn’t much, there were still people who reached out to wish me a happy birthday; a lot of them whom I wanted to either ignore to let myself feel lonely out of my own frustration. Despite them reaching out, I didn’t allow myself to feel lonely, and if anything, I still felt appreciative. It was during these moments where I continued to see my truest self continue to shine through; no matter how jaded or frustrated I was. My truest self didn’t allow myself to feel sad.

“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.”

—Richard Paul Evans

Although I know that I’ve became more cynical and jaded, the way I interact with the world is still the same; with optimism, kindness and gratitude. As I interacted with different people from new and old parts of my life, I only began to see more and more how much I’ve grown and how much of a journey I’ve been through to get where I am now. From coming back to Japanese outreach ministry or spending time with the young adults within my new church, being able to tell others my story and what I’ve done either in the past two years or sharing more about my life, there was a sense of pride that came from interacting with other people. It was easy to compare myself to others through social media since I was alone, but after being able to tell people the journey I’ve been on, it became easier for me to see just how much I actually HAVE changed after all that time. I was able to realize how much I’ve learned through all the places I’ve been to through using what I’ve learned in practical situations with family and friends, and my sense of unwavering faith and persevering spirit was always the thing that got me through everything and brought me here; it was the thing that was more valuable than Biblical head knowledge. In short: my truest self in actual situations HAS grown. As James writes in James 1:2-4:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

- James 1:2-4

For the most part, I still am cynical and jaded. However, despite feeling this way, I know that the person I’m becoming will only continue to become the person I want to become. Being forgotten by others will be inevitable as life marches on. Looking back at eight years worth of blog posts has only shown me how time and time again how I’ve overcome some of the worst points in my life through taking the stage and continuing onward with my sense of faith and perseverance, and this is no different. Here’s to hoping that year 24 of life only gets better. Although many of my friends are gone, here’s to meeting more people.

“From here on out, it’s my stage!”

0 notes

chloegrayportfolio · 4 years ago

Text

Module Three: The Classroom As A Place To Be

For this progress log task, I used personal instances from a wide range of grade levels, from K-12. I did this because I thought it would be more meaningful and reflective when thinking of these classroom rules to consider perspectives and experiences from students of all age groups.

Jointly Established: On the first day of Grade 4, we were called to sit on the carpet and give introductions about ourselves. After the introductions were given, my teacher brought forward a large sheet of paper and used magnets to stick it to the whiteboard. In the middle, there was a large bubble that said “Classroom Rules”. My classmates and myself looked at each other with confusion as to why the rest of the paper was entirely blank, with one of my peers even raising their hand and jokingly asking if there were no rules. This brought our teacher to laughter, and then she explained to us that as a class together, us students would work with her to come up with set rules and expectations of the classroom to follow. For about thirty-sixty minutes, we worked as a class to discuss certain rules, write expectations down, and decorate the sheet of paper before deciding on its wall for the year. This experience was super memorable and rewarding because it is the first instance I can remember where an Educator trusted myself and my classmates as independent people, mature enough to recognize and create rules on our own, rather than relying on a teacher to do so for us. I also think this was extremely beneficial to the creation and establishment of the teacher-student relationship in the classroom, as she immediately took the time to speak with us, get to know us, and allow us a sense of freedom, rather than spending her first day lecturing us and establishing her superiority. I think this first day set a very positive, open premise in our classroom, as I hardly remember much conflict and tension (both between classmates as well as between the teacher with students) that year.

Reasonable: By my final years of elementary school, the rules seemed to become more fair and open, rather than limiting and constricting. My seventh grade teacher understood that we soon would be making the transition into secondary school, which was a much more independent environment. He understood that some of the school rules were much more applicable to the younger children and were ultimately unfair on the older students. For example, having to play on the playground at recess. He thought the constant berating of us with rules such as that downplayed the significance of much more important rules, such as handing in homework on time/academic honesty, acting appropriately in the classroom, and treating others with kindness. His ability to give us space and let us breathe regarding “smaller” rules, and in turn prioritizing rules that lead to student success was very logical and sensible.

Clearly Defined: I remember an experience from Grade 1 in which the rules were not clearly defined and explained to us, leading to confusion in the classroom. One of the big rules we had was that we were not allowed to speak to our peers during class time—that was quiet work time. However, one day we were expected to work on a writing and colouring project with a partner she had assigned to us, and upon sitting with our partners, none of us spoke to one another. We initially did our work independently, saying very little. At first, she was confused, as to why we were silent, but slowly picked up on our confusion and explained to us what that specific rule meant. This wasn’t necessarily a negative experience, but it is an experience I can learn as a teaching experience to always be as specific as possible with my students, especially if they are that young.

Observable: In Kindergarten, I remember many of the rules being things such as: keep your hands to yourself, no talking while someone else is talking, and treat belongings gently. They were very easy for me to follow and that was probably because of the specific, descriptive, action-based words used. Having observable rules is good for many reasons, and these reasons can apply to any age group, but I believe it is especially important and beneficial for rules to be observable in a classroom filled with such young children—especially as this is most likely one of their earliest exposures to rules an authority outside of their family. Having observable rules lessens the chance of confusion, which contributes to a more effective classroom.

Positive: My eleventh grade French teacher was a very fiery, passionate, positive presence within our lives as well as within the school. She was not strict at all and everyone liked her. However, this did not mean she had no rules within the classroom. She did have many rules—just as many rules as the average teacher throughout my years of schooling had. Rather, the difference was how these rules were presented to us. Rather than framing and wording them in a negative way that emphasized the wrongdoing and its following punishments and consequences, she framed all rules without negative language, such a “no”, “stop”, and “never”. At the time, I never really realized, noticed, or appreciated it, but upon looking back and reflecting, the modification of her language to be less hostile and controlling really did have a positive impact on us students in her classroom. Students were less likely to “challenge” her, because there was not much to challenge, which led to more efficient and effective use of classroom time overall.

Succinct: My fifth-grade teacher was a very no-nonsense woman who did not spend even a minute of extra time on something she deemed unworthy of it. Sometimes this short attitude was frustrating, but when it came to her explaining the rules, it was a blessing. I have had far too many teachers spend an excessive amount of time going over rules, leaving us students restless for the rest of class time. This teacher definitely spent no more than ten minutes on the rules, and we were able to spend more time on things that she felt mattered more, like our first homework assignment. If anything, the little time spent on rules left a positive first-impression on us, as we weren’t immediately restless and annoyed due to first-day redundancy.

Few in number: By the final year of high school, you have had every rule in the book read to you in every possible way. At that point, it feels so redundant and repetitive that the constant reminder of these rules almost makes you want to break them out of annoyance. I think a lot of teachers at a Grade 12 level understand this annoyance and frustration their students can feel, especially when they have heard these same rules for the last 13 years and want nothing more than to move on to the freedoms of Post Secondary and/or life. One teacher who expressed their understanding regarding our general annoyance was my History teacher in Grade 12. On the first day of class, rather than being met with a sheet of paper explaining each classroom expectation he had, he told us “You have been hearing this since you were five years old. All I will say is do your work on time, do not be loud and disruptive, respect your classmates, and cell-phone use is permitted once work is complete. I think you all know how to act in a classroom”. His briefness regarding classroom expectations not only showed his immediate trust, belief, and faith in his students, but it also removed a barrier of superiority many Educators tend to be walled behind. We knew we could be open with him, and we did not have to spend three months trying to judge his character. Additionally, the short amount of time spent on rules on that first day allowed him to give us a more in-depth course description and a chance to read through the textbook, while most other teachers ended up keeping us in for a extra few minutes so they could rush through extremely important course information after the spending the majority of their time on basic rules.

Enforceable: In grade ten, I had a Social Studies teacher who absolutely despised cellphones. Her hatred was justified, however, it caused her to act in impulsive, negative ways that ultimately led to the creation of rules she did not know how to handle or enforce. Once specific instance was her idea of having a “Cellphone Jail”, which was a basket you placed your cellphone in upon entry to the classroom. The idea itself wasn’t bad, and I know it has been correctly implemented in many classroom settings, but she soon realized was unable to enforce this Cellphone Jail for two main reasons:

Due to very little available Computer Lab/IPad time, she often had us use our cellphones for research purposes, such as for the research and discussion of current events. How could she have expected us to research with no resources? The situation that actually led to her stopping the use of a Cellphone Jail altogether was a situation that reflected her inability to effectively monitor it. A student in the classroom had their cellphone stolen out of the basket and we were stuck in class fifteen minutes into the lunch break until whoever had it came forward. The situation was resolved in less than an hour, but it reflected the disastrous events that could come out of it. This also led to a breaking of trust between the student who had their phone taken and the teacher, as the teacher was consistently dismissive of theft-related points.This was a negative experience because this teacher should not have expected us to adhere to rules she had not fully planned the enforcing, executing, and monitoring of. Rather, she made an impulsive decision using her anger that led to consequences both for her students and herself.

Enforced: I remember my first year of high school as extremely hectic. My grade 8 year had an abundance of students who were rowdy, classroom clowns who did not follow the rules. However, even the rowdiest of students seemed to follow rules in the classroom of just one teacher: the eighth-grade Science teacher. She was very strict with high expectations—she made to drill the rules into us more than any other Educator I met. However, along with her strictness and high expectations, she was an amazing teacher who was passionate about what she did and never lost her temper with us. Although, she did not give second chances and did not hesitate to make a point out of your wrongdoings when discussing them afterwards. She never once let something happen without consequences, but in doing so she never went overboard. This created probably one of the healthiest, most productive classroom environments I have ever been in.

Constantly Evaluated: In Grade 6, I had a teacher who was quite strict with high expectations and little tolerance. This description may make her sound cold and harsh, but she was probably one of my most eye-opening, trustworthy, and memorable Educators. Yes, she spent a lot of time enforcing rules and laying laws down throughout the year, but she was also constantly working with us and let it be known that these rules were more for our benefit than her own. Whenever an incident happened where a rule was broken, whether that rule was related to respecting ourselves, each other, or our environment/classroom, she would stand in front of us and revisit the rule that was broken. She would explain the rule and discuss her intentions and reasons behind implementing it, then open the floor to us to have an open discussion about it. In that open discussion, we would talk about what was working/not working, ideas for change, and suggested minor improvements. She always took our suggestions, concerns, and ideas seriously—we knew we were heard. She would make appropriate changes and often revisit the class as a whole for a reevaluation, as so to prevent whatever incident from happening again. I think what she did was extremely positive because it showed that she cared about each student individually as well as her class as a whole—she wanted happiness, success, and support for each one of her students, and took extra steps to ensure that conflicts were avoided through the reevaluation of rules upon incidents.

Week 11 Peer Interaction Task

Take a minute to reflect on the relationship between the environment and your behaviour. Identify some settings where you feel comfortable. What is there about the setting that makes you feel comfortable? What things about a setting attract you to it? How do you feel when you are in settings that are cluttered or ugly? What type of setting do you think is most appropriate for learning? What do you think can be done to improve classroom environments to prevent problems and enhance learning? Have any of you put energy into creating positive environments for some one else? A baby? A loved one? A grandparent? Students? What did you do? What made you choose those things? Share these experiences. The idea here is to become aware of the importance of putting energy into physical space beyond merely putting up a poster. Answer this question. Would you permit students to sit where they want in your classroom? Why? When?

The settings where I feel most comfortable are my bedroom, the forest, and near-empty grocery stores with poor lighting. What makes me feel comfortable in these settings is how familiar they are to me. If I spend enough time in one place, it ends up feeling like part of a routine, which really comforts me. I am attracted to quiet, dimly-lit settings. Settings that I can be alone in and settings that are familiar to me. I don’t like being in brightly-lit, loud, unfamiliar settings. They make me uncomfortable, unable to relax. However, quiet settings allow me to focus on my thoughts, dimly-lit settings don’t irritate and distract my eyes, and familiar settings ease feelings of anxiety. I like clutter if it’s familiar clutter. I like the clutter of my bedroom and my friends bedrooms, but I have always hated being in cluttered classrooms, vehicles, or workplaces. It makes me feel distracted and uncomfortable. Ugly settings also make me feel distracted and uncomfortable. unable to focus or relax. The setting I consider to be most appropriate for learning is quiet but not completely silent, open (non-cramped), and finds a balance between boring and overpowering. The reasons for this are: Quiet settings allow students to listen to themselves think and focus, but I have found (from my own experience and the experiences of my peers) that completely silent settings can feel stressful and uncomfortable. Additionally, I know many students were less likely to ask for help in a completely silent classroom, as it felt much more “obvious” and embarrassing. I believe in an open classroom layout because it’s beneficial for the teacher and student to see each other. Also, this layout would encourage classroom interaction and discussion. The balance between boring and overpowering is in referral to how I have seen classrooms decorated throughout the year. I believe it’s important to have posters reminding students of grammar rules and their potential, but I have seen classrooms with far too many of these posters—leading the classroom to appear as cluttered or busy, distracting the students. A strong opinion I have is that I believe the setup of a “typical” classroom does more negative than positive for the classroom. When I say “typical classroom”, I am envisioning a brightly lit classroom with single-file desks. The reason why I believe this setup does more negative to a class/student is because it makes the classroom feel more cramped/pack and less open, and it can also feel very lonely that way. I have always preferred looking at the faces of my classmates and teachers, as well as the open space of the classroom—when students are staring at the back of another child’s head for over an hour, it can get pretty boring. Additionally, as a teacher I would not like single-file desks as I would not be able to see all my students clearly throughout the lesson/day. Yes, I would allow my students to sit where they want in my classroom. Of course, this privilege would be taken away with the presence of bad or off-task behavior, or issues such as exclusion or alienation, but at the beginning of the year, I would place trust in all my students to make the right decision and be able to self-regulate. I want them to have freedom and fun in the classroom—not feel controlled and constricted. No, I wasn’t surprised by any of my answers as I have given a lot of thought to this before and am firm on my beliefs about healthy, effective learning environments.

Assignment 3: Gender Equity in the Classroom

Part 1: Summary of Observations

I chose to observe a classroom lesson off YouTube for this assignment. The video is titled “Jean Cole 4th Grade Frontier Elementary Classroom Discussion”. The instrument I used to assist me in my findings consisted of paper and a pen. On my sheet of paper, I wrote down each of the discussion questions given to assist us in our observations and findings. Underneath each question, I created two columns—one titled “Female Students”, and one titled “Male Students”. Throughout the video, I tracked the answers to each question. The first time I watched the video, I wrote under each column for each question. I then watched the video a second time to double check my findings and create any interesting notations I thought would contribute to my completion of the assignments. One of the reasons why I believe this tool aided me in my findings is its simplicity and accuracy. Its simplicity was helpful to me because I tend to get distracted and overwhelmed during assignments that require you to watch videos, leading me to lose focus on the task at hand. Using a simple tally system let me keep all my attention and focus on the lesson, preventing me from getting caught up writing anything while there was more going on in the video. Double-checking this system by watching the video twice and then creating notes on what I saw also helped me be as accurate in my observations as possible. In my group’s discussion on our shared findings, I noticed that at least 3 of us used a very similar, if not the same system, in tracking our results: using tallies based on the assigned questions of the course. It seemed we all went for something that was simple, ensured accuracy, and non-distracting, allowing us to focus more on what was occurring in the classroom real time, rather than what was on our paper. Something really interesting I learned from the group discussion on the shared findings was that despite male students, on average, seeming to be more “involved” in classrooms and the displayal of knowledge (answering and asking more questions, called upon more often, blurting out answers), the female students were more attentive and on-task. I find this extremely interesting as I believe it speaks to the difference in socialization of male and female children, primarily in their contrasting confidence and voice—boys are constantly seeing their achievements and power and being told how powerful they are in society, while girls are encouraged to be modest and humble regarding their achievements, with a society that silences them. Another thing I learned is the importance of noting how many boys and girls there were in each class—I hadn’t even thought about that until a discussion group member included it in their post. This is an important thing to consider and remember as it can really impact the results—for example, my observations found the girls to be more involved in the class, contrasting what we read prior, but the classroom I observed had many more female students—contributing to the results. My findings did not shock me, despite them being a stark contrast to what we are told in Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls”, written in 1994. However, I understand that there are many factors that come into play with these things. The teacher I observed may have turned her classroom into a space where female students feel comfortable to openly participate in classroom discussions without fear of ridicule or judgement—but I recognize that there are many female students throughout the world that do not receive this same treatment. In the classroom I observed, the female students were more active, contributing members of the classroom. They simultaneously answered more questions, were called upon more often, talked with the teacher more often, raised their hands more, called out answers frequently, and seemed to be more on-task (and engaged with the lesson) than their male classmates. The boys of the classroom, however, required more individual assistance and guidance from the teacher, asked more questions, and seemed to be more off-task.

Part 2: Personal Reflection

I went to school in East Vancouver in a generally accepting, progressive, leftist community—at least in comparison to other communities and neighborhoods I’ve heard of in Metro Vancouver. Throughout my years of schooling, both in Elementary school as well as Secondary school, I believed I was extremely lucky to have teachers who cared enough to educate us on many sensitive topics, including topics of sexism, feminism, and misogyny. I was also lucky enough to go to schools with strong female leads and presence in clubs and sports teams, and I grew up with many female members of school administration. I still do believe I am lucky in a sense, as I know things could be much worse, but it seems as though the older I grow, the more I realize how prevalent gender inequality and inequity within the school really was. Although I learned of this oppression from a young age and knew gender inequality and inequity existed, I didn’t quite understand that it could manifest in ways that weren’t so overt. I didn’t start understanding microaggressions and subconscious behaviors of men and boys in the classroom until I grew older, and if I am being completely honest, I am unsure if I am even able to completely recognize and pick up on these harmful behaviours today, due to factors such as socialization. However, looking back on my experiences throughout school, especially Secondary School, I realize how gender inequity has impacted me and my education in ways I have not given much thought to in the past.An experience that has really stuck in my memory and resonated with me as time has passed by is the experience of being one of six female students in my Biology 12 block—a class that was also taught by a male teacher. This experience is almost hard for me to discuss, because I now realize it’s an experience where I was complacent, accepting even, of misogyny unknowingly. It’s an instance that I allowed to happen and laughed along as if I weren’t the target. This is the instance of the “offended” reaction I got from the boys, and potentially even the teacher, of my Biology 12 class when I received a higher grade. Some background information (that does not justify their behavior whatsoever) is that I was an extremely stereotypical “girly girl”, and I was quite close to a group of male students in the class. Sometimes I wonder if these are reasons that contributed to this treatment, however I recognize that women are belittled for simply existing. In class, I sat at their table, I studied with them, and we worked on our assignments and labs together. I was generally weaker in the Sciences and Math in secondary school, which led me to somewhat lean on others for support as well as ask many questions. Despite my understanding of Biology being on a “lower” level in comparison, I worked extremely hard throughout the course, putting what felt like more effort into that one course than all my other courses combined. This effort really paid off, especially in the third term, as we got results for a test back and had found I had done better than the rest of them. However, it was like this threatened them. Immediately, they started making jokes about how it was because of the help they gave me and about how I “needed” them in Biology. Even the teacher made a comment ,jokingly asking me which one of the boys helped me study for the test. This especially offended me, as this spoke to how he gauged my intelligence as a student. I laughed along and even made a couple jokes of my own, but I knew it felt wrong. I felt hurt and offended. The initial excitement of the high grade faded to anxiety and feelings of unworthiness. I questioned my own intelligence—Was I smart? Did I really need those boys? Did I come off as unintelligent in class? I was dwelling on these classes for the entire period and for quite some time following. It did not help that throughout the class, they volunteered me to answer questions I did not know and participate in classroom demonstrations I did not fully understand. After that class, I felt very anxious and on-edge sitting there. I tried to avoid the spotlight at all costs. I never let these boys know how this behaviour and treatment made me feel, because I considered them my friends and I’m unsure if there was any actual malicious intent behind their treatment of me. However, this is a situation that really highlights how normalized the belittling and minimizing of women is in society—it is so normalized that men, including the newer generation of men, can hardly recognize when they are the ones perpetuating this.

Reflection:

I included the Week 10 Progress Log because it really helped me understand what makes a classroom run smoothly and successfully while allowing me to reflect back on how the classrooms I grew up in were run. I was able to point out positives and negatives, what worked and what didn’t. This is an effective skill to have, because as a teacher, the sooner you find out something will not work or is not working, the better. If classroom rules are effective, more time can be spent on real teaching, learning, and educational conversations. I think about the time wasted in my classrooms growing up for scolding's and lectures, and I think about how time invested into the creation of effective classroom rules could have saved us time. I included this in my portfolio because I think this Progress Log activity was extremely educational and useful, as I was able to apply real-life experiences to the effective classroom rules discussed. I included the Week 11 Peer Interaction task because I think ensuring the comfort of my students in the class is something I have learned a lot about throughout this Module. I am a strong believer that the classroom belongs to the students just as much as it belongs to the teacher, therefore the teacher should put effort into making sure it is an environment that each student feels comfortable, both physically and emotionally, in. However, I was unsure how I would be able to effectively ensure comfort for students. Luckily, doing this Peer Interaction Task as well as reading the responses from my group members really helped me in understanding how to make the classroom a place of comfort for my students. Lastly, I included Assignment 3: Observation on Gender Equity in The Classroom. I included this assignment because I think it was interesting to read about and explore modes of observation that I could potentially use in the future to observe gender equity in my classroom. I also found this assignment extremely useful and necessary, as I have seen and experienced instances of gender inequity in the classroom and how these instances affect how students learn.

I think the Week 10 Progress Log task was one of the most helpful, eye-opening activities I did in this course. I believe that using past classroom experiences to reflect on the Effective Classroom Rules allowed me to create a deeper understanding of why certain rules work out more than others. I really enjoyed reflecting back on my past classroom experiences with a bit of a more critical lens as it allowed me to also reflect on things such as classroom dynamics, student behaviour, and student-teacher relationships. It is very interesting to be able to look back on past Educators, both ones I found amazing and ones I found average, and have my view of my experience in their classroom changes. Because I have developed an understanding as to why and how certain classroom environments were either positive or negative, I now know better ways to approach rule-making in the classroom. This Peer Interaction Task of Week 11 was very useful to me, as it opened my eyes to how I approach work. I tend to look at things on a “big picture” scale, when I know I should be focusing on more important, fine details. This was evident in that I struggled a bit with envisioning the fine details of my future classroom. I have always had much more general, vague ideas regarding the layout, look, and design of my classroom. Though my response to the Peer Interaction task does not reflect this, after having some time to look back on my response, it has really opened my eyes and made me realize that I need to be much more specific when thinking of things such as comfort in the classroom. As the comfort of my students will be of utmost importance, I must put sufficient time into the cultivation of this space. For example, a deeper, more reflective answer could talk about my classroom ideas such as the inclusion of quiet, separate work spaces, an art (self expression through drawing, writing, painting) corner, and the option of stools as well as a carpet. After reflecting on this response, I recognize the need for a change in how specific I am when addressing topics that require creative and critical thinking and am working on that.

Assignment 3: Observation on Gender Equity in the classroom was extremely useful, educating, and interesting. I feel as though it also made me experience growth and development. I have experienced growth in how I notice inequity. Prior to answering the questions given to me for this assignment, I always thought of instances of inequity in the classroom as very obvious—if there is inequity in the classroom, the teacher will notice it quickly (ex: a male student calling a female student stupid). However, I now realize this is not the case. As a teacher, I need to go beyond and ask the questions and make the observations that will lead me to noticing gender disparities regarding participation and performance. As a teacher, I need to make sure the oppressed group (female students) feel comfortable and as though their experience in my classroom has been fair. Something I am in the processing of developing is other modes of observation I could use. Yes, the tallying system I used did give me accurate results, but as gender equity is something I plan to definitely measure multiple times throughout the school year with my classes, I need to have other ways of observation. Additionally, all students are different, so one mode that provides me with accurate findings for one class one year may not work with another in a different year. I think another interesting tool that could be used to observe gender equity is the pairing/grouping of male and female students to observe their dynamics in how they work with one another (how they approach work, how they speak to each other, etc).

Overall, this Module provided me a lot of insight into the hard work and effort it takes to truly make your classroom a comfortable, safe space. It taught me the importance of these spaces and the impact one’s environment has on their learning experiences and I like that we used some of our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences to come to an understanding of this importance.

0 notes

chloegrayportfolio · 4 years ago

Text

Module Three - The Classroom As A Place To Be

Week 10 Progress Log

Week 11 Peer Interaction Task

The settings where I feel most comfortable are my bedroom, the forest, and near-empty grocery stores with poor lighting. What makes me feel comfortable in these settings is how familiar they are to me. If I spend enough time in one place, it ends up feeling like part of a routine, which really comforts me. I am attracted to quiet, dimly-lit settings. Settings that I can be alone in and settings that are familiar to me. I don't like being in brightly-lit, loud, unfamiliar settings. They make me uncomfortable, unable to relax. However, quiet settings allow me to focus on my thoughts, dimly-lit settings don't irritate and distract my eyes, and familiar settings ease feelings of anxiety. I like clutter if it's familiar clutter. I like the clutter of my bedroom and my friends bedrooms, but I have always hated being in cluttered classrooms, vehicles, or workplaces. It makes me feel distracted and uncomfortable. Ugly settings also make me feel distracted and uncomfortable. unable to focus or relax. The setting I consider to be most appropriate for learning is quiet but not completely silent, open (non-cramped), and finds a balance between boring and overpowering. The reasons for this are: Quiet settings allow students to listen to themselves think and focus, but I have found (from my own experience and the experiences of my peers) that completely silent settings can feel stressful and uncomfortable. Additionally, I know many students were less likely to ask for help in a completely silent classroom, as it felt much more "obvious" and embarrassing. I believe in an open classroom layout because it's beneficial for the teacher and student to see each other. Also, this layout would encourage classroom interaction and discussion. The balance between boring and overpowering is in referral to how I have seen classrooms decorated throughout the year. I believe it's important to have posters reminding students of grammar rules and their potential, but I have seen classrooms with far too many of these posters—leading the classroom to appear as cluttered or busy, distracting the students. A strong opinion I have is that I believe the setup of a "typical" classroom does more negative than positive for the classroom. When I say "typical classroom", I am envisioning a brightly lit classroom with single-file desks. The reason why I believe this setup does more negative to a class/student is because it makes the classroom feel more cramped/pack and less open, and it can also feel very lonely that way. I have always preferred looking at the faces of my classmates and teachers, as well as the open space of the classroom—when students are staring at the back of another child's head for over an hour, it can get pretty boring. Additionally, as a teacher I would not like single-file desks as I would not be able to see all my students clearly throughout the lesson/day. Yes, I would allow my students to sit where they want in my classroom. Of course, this privilege would be taken away with the presence of bad or off-task behavior, or issues such as exclusion or alienation, but at the beginning of the year, I would place trust in all my students to make the right decision and be able to self-regulate. I want them to have freedom and fun in the classroom—not feel controlled and constricted. No, I wasn't surprised by any of my answers as I have given a lot of thought to this before and am firm on my beliefs about healthy, effective learning environments.

Assignment 3: Gender Equity in the Classroom

Part 1: Summary of Observations

Part 2: Personal Reflection

Reflection:

0 notes