#I never have to do good king Moogle mog ever again

[oshaxiv]

This took 2 years.

It’s so ugly.

But at least I have an omega rare mount now.

[amicitiaas]

[FIC] Dad-Bod

Synopsis: Clarus’ Saturday milk runs and trips to the butcher force Gladio and Iris to take action into their own hands when they don’t agree with his fashion choices.

Characters: Gladiolus Amicitia, Iris Amicitia, Clarus Amicitia.

Pairing: Gen/ implied Clarus/Regis and Gladio/Ignis

Wordcount: 6355

Rating: T (There is one f-bomb)

Read it at AO3

Amicitia Week Day 1 Prompt: “You are not leaving the house like that!” @amicitias-week

>>OMG DID YOU SEE DAD *eyes emoji* *eyes emoji*

Iris’ text alert chimed off his phone but it was already heralded by a yell coming from upstairs. Usually the norm in this house. He was in the middle of a King’s Knight game and her text notification banner interrupted his match.

Barely moving from his comfortable spot on the couch in the living room, he shot back his reply.

>>No why?

>>Do I want to?

Last time she sent a text like this a couple months ago, she sent him old photoshoots from decades ago she found with their dad in embarrassing fashion attire. Like pretty bad. Bell-bottoms, corduroy—just not a good look for him.

>>Check Crystal Clear’s Royal Outing Alert column.

Gladio clicked the link she sent him only for her to just reply with a screenshot.

>>It’s soooo bad.

It was. Clicking on the text banner, he opened a photo of their dad on the street not far from their house. From the angle, he could tell it was probably a paparazzi shot and boy did they get a good one. Their dad had grocery and paper bags in his hand, a pair of shades on, and a Crownguard cap, but also the shortest Crownsguard running shorts he’d ever seen on anybody and a Kenny Crow shirt he’d received as a gift from Talcott that was two sizes too small and said “Kenny-licious.”

And the shoes. Gladio shook his head. Mogs. The foam clog moogle-themed shoes that old people and toddlers wear. Why. Why did Iris ever think that was a good idea to get him for his birthday?

It was bad. It was so bad. He had to put an end to it.

But first he had to see what the full damage was. Bracing for the hit, he returned to his browser and let the article load.

Dad-Bod Alert!

In a rare outing, Clarus Amicitia, Shield of the King, is seen leaving Duscae Butchers last Saturday with some prime cuts. For those unfamiliar with the Amicitia family, arguably the second most famous family in the Kingdom, Clarus is known for his privacy and shying out of the limelight. His kids, Gladiolus, 22, and Iris, 14, are much more conscious of their celebrity, however.

Gladio was tempted to click the links that they provided for both of them but kept reading,

But Papa Amicitia was seen sans-heirs as he apparently went out for some much needed meat, and at 54, he’s still got it. Training and keeping up as the King’s Shield requires lots of protein and he’s well equipped. (The grocery bags too!) A an anonymous source reveals the Amicitia weekly butcher haul is nearly twelve pounds of gourmet and regular cuts of meat. Must need a lot to feed two Shields and a growing teen! We wonder what the daily training routine for the Amicitias is, but even if most of us at Clarus’ age have a dad-bod, it’s clear that this is not the case with him.

Rocking a pair of Mogs, the Captain of the Crownsguard is keeping up with legs day from what we can see as he is repping a pair of standard issue Crownsguard shorts, giving us a hint of that juicy booty, and arms day is still  m very much in the routine as those Arm-icitias are nearly bursting out of a faded Kenny Crow shirt. Any eagle-eyed readers can catch a glimpse of the Crest of the Shield, an ambiguous bird tattoo that each Shield places on their body when they take their oaths. Clarus’ is a bit modest compared to son Gladio’s, but he’s still one tough cookie regardless. Even though he’s got his heirs lined up and devoted much of his time to the King and the duties of the throne, Clarus remains unmarried, but anybody who wants a bite of this beefcake will have to stand in line after the King.

We give this Royal Outing Alert a 7/10.

“Are you reading it?” Iris squealed, running down the hall and appeared over the balcony. “Juicy Booty. They wrote that. And beefcake. Oh my gods I’m going to throw up.”

He frowned up at her. “Oh I know. It’s so bad.” That’s not even counting the insinuation between his Dad and the King, which, even though it was true, was known by only a handful of people and adamantly denied by the Citadel. Didn’t stop the public from talking about it though.

Simultaneously walking down the stairs and texting furiously, Iris said, “Who’s writing this? Who seriously thinks dad is attractive in that.”

Gladio sat up. “Well, at least you give him some credit.”

She glanced up from her phone halfway down the stairs. “I mean, yeah, you agree dad’s not bad looking but not like that. Never like that. Who let him out? What were we doing that day?”

“We were both home. He must have snuck out when we were busy or something.”

For as popular as they were they never really had any problems with the press and it helped that they’ve all been prepped with how to handle that aspect of their lives. But how the hell, with all their failsafes, contingency plans, protocol, Monica, Dustin, Jared, did this slip by? Just. Nope. Just their dad, second most powerful man in the kingdom just flaunting it for everybody to see all his untanned bulk and glory and he didn’t know or didn’t care. Or both.

His phone chirped; a text from Noct.

>>OMG, Is that your dad??!?!?!?

>>Are those MOGS?!?!?!

>.WHat arE THOOOOOSE

He could almost hear the ugly snort that he probably made. “Ugh, that little shit,” he muttered.

“You too? I’m texting like eight people right now. It’s a nightmare.”

Gladio shot a text to Ignis to try and get some help.

>>Hey Iggy I need damage control.

His reply was dripping with sass.

>>Unfortunately I don’t do fashion. Not when my supervisor is involved. Perhaps His Majesty can be of assistance?

Punching in his reply, he nearly broke his phone.

>>Iggy you little shit help me.

>>Now, now, none of that. *Kissy face emoji*

Sighing, he tilted his head back on the couch. “Ignis is no help.”

“I don’t blame him. Maybe he’s having second thoughts about dating you.” Iris sat on the armrest, laughing at her dig as she still texted away. “We’ve got to do something.”

Gladio rubbed at his temple. “‘Hey Dad, your fashion’s bad and you’re embarrassing us.’”

She hummed negatively. “Nope that only affects us. Gotta say it in a way he’ll understand. More like: You’re tarnishing the family name and embarrassing the King.”

“Oof, brutal. Hit him where it hurts.”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, Gladdy.” She looked up from her phone. “And it’s an Amicitia solution. Effective, efficient.”

“So you’re gonna tell him, then?”

“I thought you were going to.” She gave him the face she always gave when she was trying to charm her way out. It almost worked.

“Nope. I don’t want to get extra training for a month with him and Cor.”

“You’re an adult!”

“You’re his favorite,” he shot back.

“Uh, yeah? And I want to keep it that way.”

“Should we get Jared involved? As back up of course.”

“—Backup for what?” Both of them whipped around as their dad slid open the kitchen door and joined them in the living room.

Iris rounded her eyes at Gladio but transitioned smoothly into the “charm anyone” face she just gave. Smiling, she said, “Oh we were just planning a little surprise for Talcott. A little Kindergarten graduation.”

Their dad bought it and Gladio stored away the information of how quickly she could lie out of her ass.

“Oh, he’ll enjoy that! He loves you two. Do you need anything from the store then? I have to run and grab some milk.” He gave a pointed stare at Gladio. “Somehow even the spare gallon of whole milk is gone and I—”

“—‘And you hate that almond shit.’ We know,” Iris said.

Clarus made a face but it was quickly transitioning into a smile. “Yeah. It’s just water,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t know why you like it, honey, but at least one of my kids gets it.”

Gladio saw Iris give their dad a once over and good reason too. He was wearing his crownsguard running shorts again and an old Coernix shirt.

“Oh, are you just running up to change?”

Clarus shook his head “Nah, I forgot my keys. I left them in my jeans upstairs,” he said, beginning to run up the stairs two at a time.

Iris raised her eyebrows at Gladio and mouthed Tell. Him.

“I’ll get it, dad,” he blurted. He couldn’t think of how to tell him without a strategy.

He paused almost at the top but smiled. “It’s alright, son. Normally I would but I want to stop by the butcher and see if they have what I’m looking for.”

“And we know how picky you are,” Iris droned on, exasperated at his determination to go out on his own.

Clarus shook his head. “I like that of all the lessons and history I’ve taught you, my habits are what you throw back at me.”

“Because we love you, daddy,” Iris said, almost pained. “No matter what you like. Or don’t like. Or dress,” she said under her breath.

“Hrmm?”

Gladio grinned.

“Huh? Oh I said ‘Oh yes.’ My friend Varinia just texted me and said she’s going to be in one of my classes. You remember Varinia?”

“Yep. Short hair, mother works for the bank and father is an artist?”

“That’s the one, pops!”

“She still interested in joining the Crownsguard? I know she missed first assessment, but I’ve seen her on the field during one of your matches.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if she is, and if you like her enough, let me know and we can schedule something.”

Iris shrugged. “I mean she’s a friend, but not like a best friend, y’know?”

Clarus snorted. “Pretty harsh. And they say I’m the one with high standards. But anyway I gotta get going.” He jogged the rest of the way up.

After they made sure he was far enough down the hall, Gladio looked expectantly at her.

“Okay, I couldn’t either.”

“Well then I guess we’re the kids with that dad.”

“You mean the dad who everyone is afraid of? Yeah. And we’re those kids who don’t want to hurt their dad’s feelings.”

“Or get conditioning with Cor.”

“Yeah that, too.”

“Okay, I’m heading out!” Clarus called from the other stairs at the end of the hall.

“Okay!” Iris called out.

“Love you!” Gladio added.

Her phone chimed a few more times and she sunk down on the couch next to him. “Ugh, this is a nightmare. I have to live knowing my dad has a juicy booty. And there are a bunch of people so thirsty for him.”

...

The next Saturday, they both checked the gossip sites and found yet another article and picture about their dad and his milk run. This time, the adjectives were “DILF” and “sugar daddy” and went into great detail about how strong he was and how much milk he must be drinking to be in such great shape.

Normally, these kinds of articles and gossip were left ignored. Honestly, it was an ego boost and kept the media off their backs, and the media also knew to stay several feet away from them. The only instance they had personally interfered was an internet post about Iris and a dress she wore at an event last year and they shut that down real quick. No one wants a lawsuit and maybe a personal visit from the Amicitia family. As a comment in a forum went, “People like their teeth in their mouth,” and he agreed, because he had spent some time imagining some training dummies were the internet trolls and no one felt that the decommissioning of them due to “excessive wear and tear” was out of place.

The public was eating up these articles because their dad was so reclusive when it came to the press, literally anything about him goes viral. But it also meant they had to suffer through his popularity and fashion choices.

More alarming was the fact that a photographer seemed to be following their dad around, enough that he figured where to find him consistently on Saturdays; a potential security issue. They all had tails; standard procedure for high profile officials and their families, supervised by Monica and Dustin, but far back enough to forget about. Mostly they were for Iris now, keeping an eye on her daily routes or trips to the mall if he or their dad couldn’t be with her, but the extra guard was nice, able to give them some semblance of normalcy.

He spoke to their assigned Crownsguard—this month it was Lyra, but she hadn’t been able to hone in on the guy. Maybe today they could catch him and have a quick chat. Just like they were trying to do with their Dad. They’d figured out he was heading out right after his personal training sessions, when he indulged in a high calorie shake, hence the attire.

“Okay, I’ve got his keys,” Iris said, “but you better back me up.”

“I got ‘cha, but you gotta butter him up.”

She cringed. “Please, no more food wordplay when it comes to him.”

“My bad. Yeah, I haven’t had an appetite for anything juicy lately.”

“Please stop.”

“Kids, have you seen my keys?” Clarus called down from upstairs.

“Kitchen!”

She raised her eyebrows, signaling Gladio to stand by the sliding door.

They heard their dad come down the stairs, a spring in his step. Gladio noticed he was oddly gung-ho about heading out lately, enough for him to wonder if he was doing it on purpose. He didn’t blame the guy for trying to be a normal dad and citizen for once, especially with his workload.

Today’s outfit consisted of the same very high running shorts—Gladio tried his very best not to be reminded of any booty juiciness—his crownsguard cap, his thick dad glasses, and a Meldacio shirt that was old, like maybe he got it when he was his age outside of the city.

“Hey, Daddy,” Iris said sweetly, “Goin’ somewhere?” She had positioned herself strategically in front of the kitchen door, keys in her hand.

Clarus adjusted his cap, scratching his hair that was getting too long for his liking. “Just the grocery store. We’re out of milk again.”

She shot a withering glance at Gladio because it was his fault the milk was gone and therefore his fault dad was going out looking so…dad-like.

“Aren’t you going to change?”

He placed his cap back on. “Nah, I’m fine like this.”

“Uh,” Iris glanced at Gladio for a second, unsure, then she set her jaw and he felt a swell of pride at her determination, despite the potential consequences. “We don’t think so. Maybe put on some jeans.”

Clarus looked down at his attire. “What’s wrong with this? It’s perfectly fine.”

“For you. But the gossip websites have picked up on it.”

Their dad raised his eyebrows, daring her. “And?”

She crossed her arms, standing her ground and she reminded Gladio so much of their grandmother. It was uncanny. But she also looked exactly like their dad in the moment. “And it’s causing us some concern.”

Clarus glanced at Gladio. “Is it?”

Gladio shrugged. “I mean, yeah, you should look at it.”

He shrugged too, the corners of his mouth pulling down. “You know I don’t give a damn about tabloids. You know the protocol. Both of you. Let Monica handle it. Otherwise it’s not important. Keys,” he said.

“Just please, dad. For your children’s sake. For the sake of the kingdom, don’t go out wearing that.”

“Iris,” he said seriously, “give me my keys.”

Exasperated, she threw up her hands at Gladio.

“It looks like the same person’s been taking a picture of you,” he brought up, trying a different tactic. “The pictures from the last three weeks have been from the same angle and location.”

This time Clarus turned his full attention to him. “This has been going on for three weeks and you haven’t mentioned it?“

Oh shit. Abort. Abort. Of course his dad would focus on the security angle. It was The Tone, and he actively worked to placate him. “I’ve spoken to Lyra and Monica, they know. But like, we—Iris and I,” he clarified, “Just thought if you didn’t give the guy what he wants with your attire he’d stop.”

He and Iris watched him exhale, his jaw ticking, a sure sign of him keeping his anger in control. “I’ll deal with this later. Keys.”

Iris handed it to him and he headed out the door. The door to the garage didn’t slam so they took that as a good sign.

“Well, that went…well,” she said simply.

Gladio gritted his teeth. “Well, at least we told him.”

“I don’t think that’s what he got out of this intervention.” She leaned on the counter. “Also that was so scary.”

Copying her posture, he laughed. “That was being a teenager. You’re lucky dad’s still struggling with you growing up. If I pulled that shit he’d give me extra conditioning for a month.”

“How do you know he won’t give me that? Or make Lyra babysit me? I already convinced him I don’t need you around all the time.”

“Ouch. Don’t gotta be so harsh about it, sis.” She was growing up before his eyes. And it was never a burden watching her. As a toddler maybe but that was a different story.

“Whatever. It’s only because you’ve sworn your life to Noctis that he let off you being my personal bodyguard.”

“C’mon, admit you like having me around.”

She rolled her eyes. “As my brother, yes. As my babysitter, no.”

“And now we both have to babysit dad.”

“Ugh, I know. ‘You are not leaving the house like that!’ Honestly, I feel bad because dad doesn’t do that to me and he’s such a great dad, but I have to do it to him? I’m so lucky. Some of my friends have super ridiculous parents and can’t do anything, especially after that dress incident.”

That sparked an idea in his mind. “You might be on to something.”

“Policing Dad?”

“No, I mean we tried one avenue. Time to try another. Let’s see if we can find this guy who’s making our lives a living hell.”

“And make his one,” she said a bit too enthusiastically. She punctuated it with a fist pounding into her hand.

“I mean, I not gonna condone unnecessary violence, but I’m not gonna stop you from making well-meaning threats.” Iris packed a mean punch but she had an even harsher way with words. Probably the result of two Shields raising her, but Dad didn’t mind, and neither did he. He’d seen her put grown men in their place. Once, they were taking the subway and she reprimanded a jerk who was harassing a woman. Didn’t even flinch when the man threw insults back at her.

“What’d you have in mind?”

“Let’s go for a little ride.”

...

Technically, Amicitias didn’t make threats unless they could back it up, and they have the advantage that everyone knows they can. Lots of Houses liked to flex their political muscle, which Amicitias made a point not to do, but he was confidant their dad wouldn’t mind if they flexed the real muscle they trained hard for every day.

In the car—an unmarked Crown Car used to stay under the radar—Gladio tossed his phone to Iris. “Look at the pictures and see if you can spot anything familiar.“

There was one line of sight area of the garage exit from their house to this street, the corner of Veritas and Fortuna, and it probably meant this photographer was hanging around this area waiting for their dad to pass by.

He drove slow, plotting out a course. “So if I was dad, I’d want the most efficient and safe way to get to a place. So Fortuna to Pious and then straight down Corona.”

“Oh, but don’t forget he hates that one crosswalk on Pious Street. With the median—”

He nodded. “—And all the jaywalkers. I know. I went with him to the butcher’s once and they closed off Corona for construction and we had to take it and he was so pissed. I had to hear it the whole car ride. ‘Like lol you’re on the Council, buddy. You can change that.’”

Iris laughed. “Yeah and then he’d shrug and say ‘people are people’ and that his job is to protect the King not jaywalkers who choose to not follow conveniently placed crosswalks.’ Take Sixtus Street. Dad makes me practice driving down there when we go to the coffee shop.”

Turning onto Sixtus, he said, ”You are brutal, you know that? I need to be careful what I say around you or it might come back to bite me in the ass. Also you’re lucky. Dad made me start practice driving since I was thirteen just in case of any emergencies or I had to pick you up from school for said emergencies. Which makes sense I suppose.”

“Fourteen’s no better. He wants me to drive so slow. And at least you didn’t have Cor the Impatient telling you to run yellows.”

“Oh yeah, did dad ever tell you the story about when Noct was born and Cor wrecked the Regalia with the King inside? He was so pissed.”

“Oh man, can you imagine? He must have been. Like. He has one job and Cor nearly ruined it.”

“I don’t have to imagine with Prompto and Noctis and that Audi he got for his birthday. Even Ignis banned them from taking it out.”

Gladio did his best to push the idea of losing Kings and Princes in car accidents. “So where are we? I don’t take this route.”

“Left right here,” she pointed out. “On Quintus. That’ll take you straight to Corona and the butcher is right on the corner of it.” Pinching the pictures on his phone, she zoomed out, adding, “And actually, I think this is where our guy might be. Like here’s those tall apartments and that billboard.”

“I mean, I’m driving, but I trust you.”

She glared sidelong at him. “You mean when you drive me on the main road you’re okay reading texts but suddenly on stakeout you’re Mr. Safety?”

“You mean that one time when we had a medium level threat and I had to get confirmation from Ignis on Noctis’ safety?”

“—Shhhh!” she said suddenly, taking off her seatbelt to lean forward and pointed. “There’s dad!”

Sure enough, he was parallel parking right in front of the butcher shop.

Surveying the cars ahead of them and any potential alleys, Gladio looked for anybody tailing him. “So our guy is one of these cars. Look for anybody with a camera or phone.”

“So…everybody, then?”

“You know what I mean.”

They had the advantage of darker tint for confidentiality but he drove at an acceptable speed to not draw attention. It would be just their luck if someone honked impatiently at them and spooked the photographer.

“Anything?” He looked at oncoming parking spots as well.

“Nope. Need me to be bait?”

“Dad would kill me.”

“No he wouldn’t. It’s a good strategy. Did I tell you about that time he took me on stakeout once?”

“Bullshit.” He pulled in to a spot four units down from where his dad parked.

“He did. I mean, granted, there were like five undercover Crownsguard and even a couple of Glaives on standby but I was never really in any danger. All I had to do was ask a lady which way was the bus.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that op, but he never mentioned you were bait.”

She raised her chin. “Hrmm. Probably didn’t want you to get jealous. You draw so much attention now with your tattoo. And general you-ness.”

This time Gladio rolled his eyes, his attention landing on a dude with a messenger bag getting out of his car. “Wait a minute.”

Iris followed his attention to the thirty-somethingish man in jeans, a hat pulled low, and a large leather messenger bag slung across his body. He was parked across the street from them.

“Ew, he looks like someone who takes shady photos for a living.”

“Bingo.” As their dad exited his vehicle and walked around the street corner to the entrance of the shops, the man they were watching took out a DSLR TEKTON camera from his bag.

“So what’s the game plan? ‘Hey you creep! Stop following our dad or we’ll kick your ass!’”

He snorted. “Yeah something like that. If you don’t mind being bait.”

She shifted in her chair, eyes wide and gave a fist pump. “Aw yeah! OPERATION: Flower Children Rescue Bird Dad is Green!”

“So I’m not gonna ask how long you’ve been waiting to use that.”

“Oh since I was five,” she grinned.

“Well, it’s perfect. So dad will get milk then head to the Butcher’s. That’s his thing. You’ll stand like on the corner, out of dad’s line of sight, but pretty close to that dude’s car and get his attention somehow but don’t look like you’re trying to get his attention.”

“Okay, I’ll pretend I’m on a phone call with you and name drop you. Should do the trick.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Actually, yeah that’s perfect, sis.”

Her grin grew. “And you? Do what you always do? Show some muscle, scare them shitless?”

“Yup. That’s Our Brand.”

“Alright, Flower Bro, let’s go!”

They both exited the vehicle, Gladio keeping his eye on the photographer. He didn’t like the feeling of using Iris as bait but that was his big brother alert going off.

“Hey,” he said, stopping her before she crossed the street, “I know you can handle yourself, but just in case I can’t get to you in time and he tries something, remember, punch him in the throat and kick him in the balls. Real fights are messy.”

To her credit, she didn’t look offended, probably because she’s been convincing both him and their dad to let her be more active in things. Surprisingly, their dad’s actually been the more reasonable one, but he was still the Big Brother.

“Gladdy, I got this!” she said confidently. “I’m not some pretty Noble girl who can’t do anything. I’ve been training just as much as you.”

He smiled. “I know. Just don’t like to see my little sis in danger that’s all. Now let’s kick ass, Flower Sis.” He set up a high five and the strength in her return clap give him the reassurance he needed.

Gladio watched as she crossed the street, her phone in hand, but it was her assessment of the buildings and the street that impressed him. She took up the best vantage point, out of sight of the butcher counter and one parking spot down from the photog’s car. Taking out her phone, she started mid-conversation and he could hear her from here.

“Gladdy, you where are you?!? You were supposed to pick me up twenty minutes ago!”

He shifted his eyes back to the photographer. Nothing yet. Still focused on Dad.

“I don’t care that you had to take the Prince for training. Tell Noctis not to be late!”

Oh wow, even a dig at Noct. She was playing the hell out of this, all the right keywords. And also he was so glad he wasn’t actually on the other end of this fake phone call. The mention of Noctis turned a few heads, even the photographer.

She rolled her eyes, but he could see she knew she had the dude’s attention now. She started walking slowly in front of the car then stopped to hit the message home.

“Gladiolus. Hadrian. Amicitia! Pick me up or I will tell dad you left me here.”

Holy shit, that wasn’t even his real middle name but it struck terror in his heart at her tone. The photographer looked like he’d just struck gold. And technically he did. Iris was off limits, for the most part, when it came to the press. No unapproved pictures of her at, going, or leaving school. Nothing where she was without Gladio or Clarus because she was underage. And those were also pretty rare because they put hard stops on that.

Their guy looked around, checked to see if their dad was still in the shops, and Gladio even put his head down to maintain his cover. The dude crossed the street and acted like he was walking back to his car. But even from here, Gladio saw him point his camera at her and heard a shutter close. Big Mistake.

Iris was pretending to text furiously on her phone right in front of the dude’s driver side door. She did a quick glance again to see that both he and the man were heading towards her. Gladio was a few steps behind him as he crossed the street.

“Excuse me,” the man said, and Gladio thought he was going to talk to her but he instead went to open his car door.

“Oh sorry, sir,” she said, still in her role, but when he opened his door, she reached out and slammed it shut. The photographer looked up at her alarmed.

“Hi,” she said sweetly, her smile dangerous and chilling. Oh man, he better make sure she doesn’t just sock this guy in the face.

“Hello?” he said, cautious. “Iris, right?”

Her smile disappeared. “Right you are.”

He took a step back and bumped into Gladio just as he closed the distance.

“Hey, buddy, good day for pictures, huh?” Gladio said, leaning on his car. “Mind if I take a look?” He held his hand out and the man turned pale when he looked up at him, wordlessly handing it over. “Pretty nice. An Rx-2900, right? AF-R 14-24mm lens?”

The man nodded.

He whistled. “That’s a $2000 lens. Got my friend one of these for his birthday. He’s a photographer with a very good eye.”

He couldn’t believe he using Prompto in a threatening manner, but here he was, and all that jargon he shared with him finally was paying off. Prompto would flip out and think it was so cool when he told him this story.

“I-If you break that, I’m sending you a check,” he said, finding his voice. Gladio tried not to laugh at how pathetic he sounded.

Smiling like Iris was, he said, “Break it? I just wanted to see it.”

The photographer slowly started putting his hand in his pocket and Iris noticed it.

“Ooh, whatcha got there? Maybe you should turn your phone off and put it on top of your car, that way nothing bad happens to it, too.”

Glaring, the man took his phone out of his pocket and shut it off in front of them and placed it on the hood.

“So my friend,” Gladio continued, turning on the camera, thanking silently Prompto had showed him how to operate it, “He likes to take pictures of anything, but he does this thing where he doesn’t follow people around,” he paused, scrolling back through the pictures. “And take pictures of people’s dads.” He flipped it around to show him and Iris. “I mean, it’s a pretty easy thing to do right?”

He started deleting the pictures of his dad one by one.

“And he’s got great subject matter, too. Our other friend, his dad’s the King! Can you believe it? And I’m sure—and I know, because I’m in some of them—he’s got compromising pictures of the prince, too. Parties, pranks, sharpie mustaches, that kinda thing, because they’re teens, but he knows not to sell them.”

Of course, in his freshman year, Ignis had Prompto sign a non-disclosure agreement that was more specific than Noctis’ other classmates, but that was besides the point.

He stopped on a picture of Iris, and it took some self-discipline not to ground pound the camera. He had to remember that they had wanted to do this in broad daylight so that people saw them, saw the tattoos that showed who they were.

“Anyway, I’m getting off track. You look like a smart guy—smart enough to camp right on the corner of Veritas and Fortuna, which also happens to put you conveniently on the edge of two hundred yards, the perfect distance to stay on the legal side of the Princeps Law. But, maybe not too smart because you’re in violation of the main part of the law which states something about stalking and harassment. It’s like the second sentence.”

“You can’t prove anything.”

Gladio pouted in a mockery of thinking. “Sure about that? We have receipts. You took them and sold them. But are you confidant enough that if I run your plates it won’t match a car that’s been in our neighborhood several times this month?”

It was a bluff, although they did have cameras, but the man looked even paler.

“There’s one more thing,” he said, turning to Iris, “This picture of you, Iris, reminded me of it. Isn’t there an addendum?”

Iris smirked. “Oh the Flower Clause? It’s pretty new. Added last year. Named after me because some creep took a picture of me, sold it, and posted it on the internet. But you weren’t gonna do that, right?”

Gladio deleted the three pictures of her. “Don’t worry, we gotcha covered, my dude.”

He handed the man back his camera. “You know, we don’t mind pictures being taken of us. We know we’re a popular family. Nothing wrong with that, but you need to stop with this harassment of our dad.” He leaned closer so people passing by wouldn’t hear his next words. “And I swear to Bahamut and every Astral I will dance on your face if you take another picture of our dad or any of us. If I even see you near my father again, our house, or Astrals help you—my little sister, I will end you, got it? Do not. Fuck. With. Us.”

Iris leaned forward. “Was that a yes I heard?”

Gladio tried his best not to laugh again because Damn, Girl, take it down two notches.

“Yeah, I got it,” he answered.

“See, that was easy.”

They let him get in his car and watched as he drove away.

“We did it!” Iris exclaimed, giving him a tight hug. “Geez, and that felt so good too!”

He smiled. “Yeah it does, but don’t let it get to your head. This was an extraneous circumstance.”

“I know, but oh my gods did you see his face? He almost shit his pants.”

This time he finally did laugh, because yeah, they did scare that guy shitless. Even if he did try and press harassment charges, it was literally a he-said-they-said and technically they didn’t break any laws. And they literally had the law on their side.

“So since we’re out, how about a celebratory milkshake? Insomniac is just around the corner,” Iris pointed out.

“You betcha, sis. OPERATION: Flower Children Save Bird Dad was a success.”

They made it back home at the same time, Clarus pulling in the garage next to them. “Where were you two off to?”

“Oh we went to get some milkshakes,” Gladio said, handing the milkshakes to Iris. “We brought you one. I mean, I know you went to get some milk but we felt bad about earlier.”

“Yeah, daddy.”

He helped his dad unload the groceries, three bags on an arm each as they headed into the kitchen.

“Oh, thanks. Why didn’t you stop by the butcher’s? I couldn’t decide between the Galadhian brats or the Garula and Lucian pepper.”

Collectively, they placed down all their purchases on the kitchen counter.

“Oh man, the Lucian Pepper? Those are my favorite,” Gladio said. They were imported straight from Duscae and you could tell the difference between the free-range meat outside of the city and the ones they kept in farms here, hence the rarity.

“I know,” Clarus said, removing them out of the bag. “So I got them. Plus, I figured I’d get you some celebratory brats.”

Iris looked confused at him. “What’s the occasion?”

Clarus looked over his glasses at them, raising his eyebrows. “You tell me?” He pulled out his phone and brought up a picture he had taken of them from across the street. “How was OPERATION: Flower Children Save Bird Dad?”

Both Gladio and Iris shared a surprised look.

“You know about that?”

He grinned. “Of course. I never forgot the story you wrote in second grade about the secret mission with your family.”

She cringed. “Oh no! You still remember that?”

Still smiling, Clarus pulled Iris into a hug and kissed the top of her head she had put down in embarrassment. “I loved it. Just like I loved seeing my children threatening some jackass who’s been following me.” He lifted his head up and added, “But if I ever hear you say I said that, I will deny it.”

Laughing, Iris slid the milkshake for him across the counter. “We’re sorry. Honestly, Daddy, you can wear whatever you want. Mostly it was that some guy was constantly taking pictures of you and I had to hear about it every day. Just, please don’t make me read that you have a juicy booty ever again.”

He looked amused. “Juicy booty?”

“Oh my gods,” she said, stepping out of his hug. “It’s worse when you say it.”

Gladio shrugged. “It didn’t bother me so much. Not as much as ‘Sugar Daddy.’”

Iris held her hands up. “Oh my gods, stop. I don’t even want my milkshake anymore.”

“Hrmm. Maybe I should read the tabloids more.”