#I need to let go of my thoughts somewhere

[princesidonfan]

I see in the notes that lots of folks would genuinely like an answer to this, so here is my input, as someone who has had to let go of multiple people who were once very important to me.

Practise.

The same way you let go of anything else: you practise not thinking about that thing. When thoughts of that person arise, let them come and go; let them float away and be replaced by other thoughts, don't get stuck ruminating on them. When you do get stuck — and you will, many times — forgive yourself for that and remember that next time you will let those thoughts float away. Be gentle with your mind, not harsh. It's not your mind's fault that it is fixated on this person who once meant so much to you. It's natural and normal and completely understandable that letting go of that special person is extremely hard and painful. You are allowed to grieve and feel angry and all the other things you feel. No feeling is wrong; don't feel guilty about how much you are struggling or how angry you are. But in the end, when you do manage to let go of them, you will feel so much better, so persevering is worth it.

When I realise that I need to genuinely, permanently deny someone access to me, I do a visualisation to help me let go of that person. I imagine dropping a rose onto the surface of a huge lake, and watching it float away on the swaying water. I imagine different coloured roses for different individuals. Afterwards, when I find myself thinking of that one person, I remember 'their' rose: I have let go of that person, they have floated away with the rose; I cannot get them back because the lake is too huge: the person and their rose are long gone. I cannot pick that rose back up, and nor will I take up that person I have let go.

Dump the thoughts in a journal or similar. Type endlessly in a Word document or scribble in a journal. You don't have to reread it and it doesn't have to make sense. You can repeat the same sentiments, even the same sentences, over and over and over. This is to help you get it all out of yourself. You are trying to let go of an obsession, essentially, and it's not good for your relationships if you keep venting to the same people about that one person you're struggling to let go of. Tell your trusted people if you want to, but eventually they will get tired of hearing the same things over and over — as would you in their place! — so you need to put those endless ruminations somewhere else. As in the first point, you are trying to let the thoughts come and go, and having a place to put them is like giving an outlet to a reservoir: the thoughts can flow through your mind and run onto the paper, instead of endlessly swilling around your mind while the rain of thoughts continues and your brain threatens to overflow.

Replace that person with something (not someone) else: adopt a new hobby, or start a complex project that will take months; do something absorbing and demanding that does not remind you of that person. I know someone who decided to keep chickens after a painful betrayal from a friend: all the coop-building and chicken research kept him busy for months, and the chickens themselves obligated him to go outside twice a day to look after them: he couldn't mope indoors all day and think about his pain. He even planted a vegetable garden so that he would have herbs and vegetables to feed his chickens, which gave him even more research and outdoor work. He told me it was one of the best things he'd ever done for his mental health. This is the time to write that long fanfic or novel you've been contemplating, or repaint your entire house, or see how deeply you can immerse yourself in a new language.

Focus on the good things, and people, in your life. Deliberately spend time with the people you love who aren't involved with that other person and who won't raise the subject of them. Remember how cool your loved ones are, and how that one person is not the only person in the world. When did you last thank your friends for being there for you? When did you last make a cake for your parents, or offer flowers to your neighbour? Do your grandparents want some help with their garden, or have a room that needs redecorating? Would your friend's dog love some nice long walks a few times a week? Look how many good people are still in your life.

Rewatch that television show that you loved when you first saw it a few years ago. Make those recipes you've had saved for many months but haven't tried. Use that kit, burn those candles, declutter, rearrange your room, visit that museum, throw that fancy tea-party, join that club or class, take that road trip. Look at all the things you can enjoy even without that one person! And if you cry because you wish that they were with you, and if you're still furious over what they did but at the same time you miss them unbearably, that's fine: grieve as much as you need to, but keep doing the cool things without them. Let the grief persist for as long as it persists, but let your life persist too. You and your life are more than that one relationship with that one person.

"But it's so hard!"

Yeah. It is.

how to stop thinking about people who are no longer in my life

[0omillo0]

Angst/hurt to comfort. Where Lee Know struggles to show his emotions properly and snaps at the reader one day (maybe due to stress or just not feeling right or not fully understanding his strong emotions) but it’s just like, the worst day cause Y/N had gotten into a fight with family and had to leave the house. And like it’s middle of freezing winter and Lee Know snaps and makes them leave his place when they come over for comfort. I always love your fics, please keep up the great work and make sure you are eating well 🙏

Lee Know x gn! Reader

a/n: thank u for your request and your kind words <3 make sure you eat and drink as well!! xoxo sorry if this isn’t the best.. I’m kinda stressed these days.. hope you like it tho!

The night you came to his door, the cold winter air biting through your coat, your body trembling from more than just the frost, Lee Know hadn’t been ready for you. He was pacing his apartment, frustration simmering under his skin, suffocating him like thick smoke. The relentless rehearsals, the pressure to be perfect, the fatigue he couldn’t shake—it had left him frayed. His thoughts were a mess, and when the knock at the door echoed through his silent space, it felt like the last thing he could handle.

He swung the door open, too quickly. His face was pinched with exhaustion, his brows furrowed.

“Y/N?”

Your face was pale, your eyes red and glassy like you’d been crying. You tried to smile, but it wavered—so small, so fragile.

“Hey,” you whispered, gripping the strap of your bag as though it was the only thing keeping you steady. “Can I… can I stay here tonight? I—”

“Are you serious right now?” he cut you off, his tone sharp, biting. He knew it was too much the moment it left his mouth, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Y/N, I can’t deal with this. Not tonight.”

Your expression faltered, the faint hope in your eyes flickering out like a dying flame. “I… I just needed somewhere to go. I had a fight with my family, and—”

“And you came here? Do you think this is some kind of hotel or psychiatric center??” His words were curt, cruel in their dismissiveness. “Y/N, I’m barely holding it together as it is. You can’t just show up here whenever you need someone to fix things. Go to someone else.”

It felt like the air was sucked out of your lungs. For a moment, you just stared at him, your lip trembling, your breath uneven. You opened your mouth as if to say something, to explain yourself, but no words came. Instead, you swallowed hard, blinking back tears.

“Okay,” you said quietly, your voice so small it broke him a little. You didn’t say anything more—didn’t argue, didn’t beg. You just turned around and walked away.

The door clicked shut behind you, and the silence that followed was unbearable.

Lee Know stood there, frozen. The anger that had flared so brightly was gone now, leaving behind only regret and an unsettling weight in his chest.

An hour passed. The apartment felt suffocating, empty in all the wrong ways. He tried distracting himself—cleaning up, scrolling mindlessly through his phone—but all he could see was the look on your face when he pushed you away.

He picked up his phone, his fingers hovering over the screen before he typed a message.

LK: “Y/N… I’m sorry. Are you okay? Please let me know you’re safe.”

He waited. Nothing.

The clock ticked loudly, every minute stretching into an eternity. His unease turned into full-blown panic when he tried calling you and the call went straight to voicemail.

“Come on, Y/N,” he muttered under his breath, pacing again. His heartbeat was thundering in his ears. Where could you have gone? You’d said you had nowhere else. It was freezing outside, and the thought of you walking alone in the cold, crying, made his chest tighten painfully.

Without a second thought, he grabbed his coat and keys, practically bolting out the door.

He searched everywhere he could think of—first the places you loved, then the ones where you went when you needed space. The café was closed. The park was empty except for snowflakes drifting slowly to the ground. With each place he checked, the sick feeling in his stomach grew.

The streets were eerily quiet, the only sound the crunch of his boots in the snow. He wrapped his coat tighter around himself, the cold biting through layers, but it didn’t matter. All he could think about was finding you. Please, please be okay.

Finally, the bar. Your favorite. He didn’t think you’d be there, but when he pushed open the heavy door, the familiar hum of low music greeted him. His eyes scanned the room quickly, and then he saw you.

You were tucked into a corner booth, hunched over the table with your arms crossed protectively around yourself. A half-empty glass sat in front of you, condensation pooling on the surface. You were staring blankly at the window, tears slipping silently down your cheeks.

Lee Know’s chest felt like it might cave in. He approached you slowly, almost afraid to startle you.

“Y/N…”

You tensed at the sound of his voice, your shoulders curling inward. When you looked at him, your eyes were red and swollen, your expression torn between anger and sadness.

“What are you doing here?” Your voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper.

“I was looking for you,” he said softly, his voice cracking. “You weren’t answering your phone. I was worried.”

“You didn’t seem worried earlier.” The bitterness in your tone was like a slap, and it stopped him in his tracks.

He sank down into the seat across from you, his gaze fixed on you. “I messed up. I shouldn’t have said those things, and I shouldn’t have let you leave.”

You shook your head, your hands curling into fists. “Do you even understand what that felt like? I went to you because I had nowhere else, Minho. I thought—” Your voice broke, and you looked away. “I thought you cared about me… You’re just like anyone else. You make me feel just like anyone else does.”

Lee Know felt panic rising in his chest. He reached out across the table, his fingers brushing yours, but you pulled back slightly, just enough to make him freeze.

“Y/N, please don’t push me away.” His voice was uneven, desperate. “I care. I care so much it scares me sometimes, and I… I don’t know how to show it. I was frustrated, and I took it out on you. That was wrong. I know that. But believe me, I’ll never forgive myself for what I said to you.. I love you so much.”

You stared at him for a long moment, your tears silent now. Finally, you whispered, “You really hurt me.”

Those words hit him harder than any insult ever could. “I know,” he said, his voice trembling. “And I hate myself for it. Please… let me take you home. Let me fix this.”

You hesitated, searching his face for sincerity, and he held his breath. Finally, you nodded.

The walk back was quiet, the cold still biting, but this time he was close—close enough that you could feel his warmth. At one point, he stopped and unwrapped his scarf, gently draping it around your neck.

“You’re freezing,” he murmured, his fingers brushing your jaw.

“So are you.”

“It’s fine.” His voice softened. “As long as you’re okay.”

Back in his apartment, he made you tea, insisting you sit on the couch. When he sat beside you, he hesitated before reaching for your hand. This time, you let him.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t come to me. Even when I’m an idiot.”

You looked at him, and for the first time that night, you managed a faint smile. “You were an idiot.”

He huffed a soft laugh, relief softening his features. “I’ll do better. I promise.”

The room felt heavy, the silence between you louder than anything. His eyes were fixed on his hands for a moment before he finally looked up, his voice soft but steady.

“Y/N, I know I messed up… really badly. And I don’t know if anything I say can fix how I made you feel, but I need you to hear this.”

He paused, his throat tight, but he pushed through.

“I snapped at you when you needed me the most. You came to me, trusting me to be your safe place, and I turned you away. I was frustrated and overwhelmed, but that’s not an excuse. You didn’t deserve that.” He took a shaky breath. “The truth is, sometimes I don’t know how to deal with my own emotions, and I push people away because… because I’m scared I’ll let them down. But I did let you down. I let you walk out that door into the freezing night, and it’s been eating at me ever since. I’m so sorry for that.”

His voice cracked slightly as he continued, his gaze searching your face.

“You mean so much to me, Y/N. More than I know how to say, and that’s probably why I get it wrong sometimes. But I promise you… I’ll be better. I’ll try harder. I want to be the person you can turn to—always. I’ll never push you away again. I don’t care how bad of a day I’ve had, you’ll always come first.”

“I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t wanted. Because you are. You’re everything to me.”

The sincerity in his voice was so raw, so vulnerable, that it broke down the last bit of the walls you’d been holding up.

There was a beat of silence before he asked, almost shyly, “Can I… can I kiss you?”

You blinked up at him, surprised, but you nodded.

He leaned in slowly, his lips brushing yours—soft, careful, filled with quiet apology and all the things he struggled to say out loud. When he pulled back, he tugged you into his arms, holding you close.

“Don’t scare me like that again,” he murmured, his voice shaky as he buried his face in your hair.

“I won’t,” you whispered, curling into him as he wrapped a blanket around both of you.

And there, in the quiet warmth of his arms, you finally let yourself believe it. This was home.

taglist: @intartaruginha @hannamoon143 @inlovewithstraykids @whoa-jo @madirye062 @vixensss @emilyywhyy @halfwinterhalfuniverse @velvetmoonlght

[bewaryofpity]

i can’t get the thought out of my head of bsf!luke bringing you to the team’s christmas party as a plus one and immediately getting jealous.

maybe he comes to pick you up and he already feels his neck blushing because you look so beautiful and cozy, and suddenly he doesn’t want to go to a stupid party anymore, he just wants to cuddle with you.

but you go anyway and he doesn’t leave your side one second. arms wrapped around your waist, tugging at your sweater to grab your attention because why are you taking to nico when he’s right there.

and he is a little bit jealous when later in the night you’re separated. nico is making you laugh and now he’s offering you a drink and now he’s standing too close to you.

“can you please not kill our captain with your eyes?”

“what you’re talking about?”

luke turns around to jack who’s already smirking wide because he knows and he also knows that nico's onto your plan of getting luke to finally admit his feelings.

“you’re jealous.”

“am not!” luke pouts, “okay, yeah, maybe a little.” and jack chuckles, his brother a little tipsy now that it’s nearing the end of the night.

meanwhile you’re on the other side of the room chatting away with nico, frustrated that luke hasn’t done anything yet and you're so close to abandon your plan.

“i should’ve put up a mistletoe somewhere.” he suggests but that wouldn’t have helped because luke is shy and he would never kiss you when everyone’s attention is on him, not for the first time at least.

and luke can't bear it anymore when he sees you giggle at nico again, so he uses that little courage he has in his body and finds the stupidest reason to get you away from him.

"let's get you a refill"

"but i haven't finished this one yet." and well, yeah, luke notices your drink is still basically full, which is embarrassing, but that doesn't stop him from dragging you away into the kitchen. and thank god he misses the wink nico sends in your direction.

so you sit on the counter, waiting as he's looking intensely at whatever is in the fridge because he can't mess this up, he needs to think thoroughly and the small dose of alcohol in his body isn't helping either.

"so, i was thinking of asking nico on a date."

"absolutely not."

when he turns around he thought you'd look confused but you're smirking at him like you already know the reason why he's acting so weird.

"what? you don't think he's good enough for me?"

and he mumbles something you can't understand as he places himself between your legs, head resting on your shoulder, making you laugh.

"you're jealous for no reason, lukey" you say as you take his face in your hands and he's so confused, yet he's looking at you with that lovesick look in his eyes that makes your heart jump.

"i'd rather go on a date with someone else anyway"

and he looks so cute, all clueless and cheeks red from the alcohol, or maybe from jealousy, letting your thumb brush against them.

luke's eyes widen when you keep looking right at him with a loopy smile on your lips and oh thank god he finally got the message.

"are you gonna kiss me or do i really have to do everything myself?”

"yeah sorry, sorry" he whispers before leaning down to press a kiss to your lips, ever so sweet and delicate, just like luke, and just like you.

[suckerforblondeathletes]

I still don't forgive you..- Alessia Russo

Alessia Russo x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your fear for animals in a zoo makes Alessia laugh, upsetting you. You plan on making her pay but it seems that didn't go to plan...

Warnings: SMUT, Kissing, oral (alessia receiving), fingering (Alessia receiving) cussing, uhhh I think that's it.

Authors note: Hey guys! So I found this draft and decided to post it!

"Absolutely not." You said, sitting on the couch in the middle of the England training facility along with your girlfriend Alessia, Ella, Mary, and Leah.

"Come on babe it will be fun!" Alessia whines and grabs your hand, giving you begging eyes as you shake your head.

"No, I am not going to the zoo. I don't like animals, let alone ones in Australia."

Alessia and Mary were trying to convince you to go to a zoo in Australia, but you never have liked animals. You thought any animals other than a dog or cat were terrifying.

That all started when your brother used to pick you up and try to feed you to the giraffes in the zoo when you were little, and he would tell you stories of lions jumping out of their cages and eating little girls who played soccer.

"Please babe I will do anything. I want you to go with us." Alessia begs and you meet her eyes. Anything?

You hum and think about it for a moment, thinking about all the things you could make her do. Buy you food, new clothes, make her clean the bathroom and your cats litter box for a week. The ideas were limitless.

"Sure, but I will have to think about what I want you to do." Immediately after you said that Mary and Ella made gagging noises.

"Eww guys do that somewhere else, my eyes are innocent and childlike." Mary says making Alessia blush. You roll your eyes and flip Mary off.

"Not like that you creep." You stand up to go get some water and kiss Alessia on the lips before leaving, leaving her blushing and your teammates teasing her.

-

Here you are, holding Alessia's hand for dear life as you walk into the zoo with the England team.

"Alessia I don't like this." You say in her ear as you pass a turtle cage.

She soothes your hand before kissing your temple.

"Its okay." You hear her say, but she stops talking and you hear snickering next to you.

You whip your head to the blonde who is trying to stifle her laughs with her hand. Your jaw drops and you stare at her in betrayal.

"Alessia Russo what's so funny?" You stop walking and look at her. Ella makes oooing noises behind the two of you like a kid in school would if someone got yelled at.

“Nothing! Nothing is funny I just..” Alessia gets interrupted by Ella.

“She was making fun of you, you should definitely get her back.” Ella says tapping Alessia’s shoulder.

You think for a moment, you should get her back and make her pay.

“I won’t kiss you for a whole day. Until tomorrow at 2pm.” You look down at your phone, the time is 2:12pm, a whole day would be tomorrow at 2:12pm.

Alessia’s jaw drops as Ella laughs out loud. You give her a smirk before walking away, but turning back when you see a cheetah in an enclosure.

“No you didn’t. You’re a liar babe.” Alessia says in disbelief and tugs on your arm. You turn to her and shake your head.

“Nope, payment is payment. Maybe you shouldn’t have laughed at me.” You look at her, her jaw still open and her blue eyes scanning your face for a lie.

“Babeeeeee” She whines and leans in to kiss you, you ducking you head and dodging the kiss. This would be a wild day.

-

You all get back to the hotel and you and Alessia go to y’all’s room, when you get in the room she doesn’t say anything but stares at you like she is waiting for something.

You notice this and turn to her, “do you need something?” You ask innocently. She gives you begging eyes and walks up to you.

“Love please let me kiss you I hate this.” She begs and grabs your waist making your knees buckle slightly, but you stand strong and true to your word.

“You shouldn’t have laughed at me Russo.” You say and softly slap her chest. She drops her jaw in shock again at your response.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t funny please I won’t do it again.” She whines and grabs your waist tighter.

“Hmmm after the team dinner, maybee” you drag out the E at the end and stroke her cheek before backing out of her hold and into the bathroom to get ready.

She smiles and thinks of a way to make you want to kiss her. She remembers the dress she brought and it goes perfect for the nice place the team is going too.

You throw on a nice V neck suit jacket with nothing underneath, and matching black suit pants to go with it. Some shoes and your hair is down along with little mascara.

You walk out of the bathroom and see the blonde in a tight, mid thigh black dress. Your favorite dress, along with some black heels.

You still are taller than the blonde but by little now with the heels. You smirk and walk up to her and grab her hips, pulling her into you.

“Do you like it?” She asks and smirks at you.

You smile back and lean into her neck to lay kisses along the side of it. Resulting in a whimper of pleasure from Alessia.

“This isn’t fair” she whines but you continue kissing her neck. Your hands running down to her ass and up her back.

Pulling away you look at the lustful expression on her face and smile.

“We don’t want to be late.” You leave her and grab your purse, leaving the room.

She is standing in the same spot with her jaw dropped once again at the fact you left her turned on like that.

She scoffs and leaves the room with out her wallet, knowing she is making you pay.

-

Sitting down, a sexually frustrated Alessia to your left and a blabbering Leah to your right, the night was perfect.

You see her squirm from the corner of your eye and you put your hand on her thigh.

She huffs and tries to move your hand higher, causing you to give her a warning glance before she huffs again and continues talking with Ella across the table.

Looking over to her to make conversation, you see her big blue eyes filled with need, her face flushed and she bites her cheek to keep quiet. That made all the restraint you had left leave and you pull her up from her seat.

"Wait- where are yall going?" Ella asks mid bite, a knowing smirk on Leahs face.

"I need help with something, won't take long." Finishing the sentence while looking at the blonde who pulls you to the bathroom needly.

"Don't have too much fun!" Yells Leah as she snickers with Mary next to her.

You ignore her and rush the woman to the bathroom, her not following too far behind.

Opening the family restroom and pulling her into it, closing the door you smash your lips onto hers, causing her to moan softly and press her back to the door.

Her hands fly to your hair and neck, pulling you closer. Your hands go to her waist and hips as your lips attack hers.

Moving lower, you kiss and lick her neck, causing her to moan and press your head closer to her.

Your hand slams to her mouth and her head throws back, her eyes flutter as her back arches into you. This is the neediest you have ever seen her, you pull her small dress up and pull her underwear down quick.

Moving down to your knees, you don't tease at all and immediately go to town on her clit, a loud moan is muffled by her hand, her other one going to your hair to pull you closer.

She grinds on your face as she moans into her hand, small tears slip from her eyes as she practically suffocates you by how hard she is pressing your face into her core.

Your middle finger slips into her wet pussy and she moans and grips your hair hard, grinding and moaning like a bitch in heat.

Your finger pumps in and out of her, knowing if you added another she wouldn't be quiet. You lap at her cunt as her hand moves slightly to speak.

"I-i'm close god i'm so fucking close.. keep fucking me like that.. yes yes yes please.." She slaps her hand over her mouth as she comes hard, grinding on your face as her hips stutter, legs shaking.

Her cum drips onto your fingers and down to your palm, you don't stop until she finally rides it out and you stand, shoving your fingers into her mouth.

"I still don't forgive you for laughing at me."

[toast-the-unknowing]

This post is really making me churn over some thoughts that have been stewing for, well, at least a year. Because a year ago, I found out that someone had plagiarized several of my fics.

At the time, I struggled to articulate exactly why it upset me as much as it did. In a way, it didn't matter, because I didn't need to articulate it: People were supportive. People told me, yes, girl, you get to be upset! And there were big, obvious reasons that it was upsetting, reasons that I could identify. But I felt like there was something else. I kept asking myself, "Well, why DOES it matter, really. Nothing was TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU. Your fic is still up there with all the comments it ever had." It had more comments than before, even. People who read the plagiarized versions came and said nice things to me. These were people who never read the canon, people who therefore never would have read my fic and never would have commented on it. So in purely transactional terms, in the question of the absolute number of comments I got, I actually came out ahead. In a way. So why was I upset?

Reading this post today, this bit really stood out to me:

Attention obviously wasn't why the writer was writing--they were writing to participate, and they didn't get to. At all.

I think that's the piece that I was struggling to put my finger on. I think it matters that the plagiarism happened in a period of my life when I felt even less than usual like I had a community to belong to. I reckon a lot of people are feeling that way, in this era we're calling post-covid. So it hits those people, it hit me, even harder than it might have otherwise, to feel shut out of participating in a fandom community. For some people that's maybe the last place they really felt they had any community left.

I imagine, for the folks in the secret discord rec servers, that the secret discord rec server IS their community, but that's not much help the folks outside of it. The answer obviously isn't "you shouldn't HAVE secret discord rec servers!" because the horse is out of the barn on that one, my friends, and besides, I don't want to be out here saying you have to let everyone into all of your spaces. This isn't elementary school, you don't have to bring enough for the whole class. And the idea of "well, if you HAVE to have a secret discord rec server, then you have to go leave a pro forma compliment on the fic itself"…idk, man, that's not it either. Increasing the comments that just say "I liked this!" is going to make a lot of writers smile and have a spring in their step for a bit, sure, but it's not going to do much to restore a sense of community. Saying "hi, how are you" when you bump into your neighbor is great, but if that's the only interaction you ever have with anyone in your zip code, that's not much of a neighborhood.

It's one of those twisty situations where I hate the picture as a whole and yet I don't find any individual action objectionable. Sometimes people don't leave comments, even on a fic they really loved. I'm not going to shame or berate anyone for that. Sometimes people tell their friends about things they loved. Sometimes those conversations happen in spaces that aren't visible to others, because people like to hang out with their friends in their own spaces that are free of people they don't know or don't like.

None of that is in and of itself malicious. (I bet some of the shit that gets said on some of those secret discord servers gets pretty nasty, but hey: all the more reason to be saying it somewhere I don't have to see it.) And yet when OP said they have been systematically excluded by the very people they thought were part of the community they thought they could participate in, it resonated with me, specifically about the time someone stole my fanfic and reposted it in a fandom that I didn't know existed.

What do you do about a situation where the intentions are totally different, the causes are totally different, but the end result feels so similar?

I've been thinking about communal vs individual story telling a lot lately, because I'm getting back into improv, and when you do improv people tend to ask you do you do stand-up, will you do stand-up, when will you do stand-up. I usually tell people that I don't do stand-up because it's so much fucking work. But I'm also realizing more and more that I love improv for the communal aspect, and I find the solitary nature of stand-up demotivating.

I've written screenplays and I've written novels and I've mostly written exclusively fanfic, and I think a lot of the reason for that is fanfic has that communal aspect. That's part of the fun, and that's part of the motivation. You write fanfic because "this is a gift for a friend and I know she'll love it, this is an exchange fic for someone I don't know so I went and read their whole blog and I HOPE they'll love it, this is a trope I loved when I saw someone else do it, this is a trope I fucking hated when I saw someone else do it so I'm going to do it right, this is an idea that was circulating tumblr as a three sentence plot bunny that caught my imagination and won't let it go, this is an opinion I have about this ship and I have GOT to know if anyone else sees it the same way, this is a thing I love and please won't someone love it with me…"

The communal aspect can also be part of the motivation in the sense of "fanfic is a faster and easier way of getting external validation than going through the slow and grueling process of publishing and marketing a book with no built-in audience." That's fine. If folks are hoping to get some compliments for their fanfic, they're allowed to hope for that, and telling them "you SHOULDN'T care about that, and therefore it doesn't matter if you get it or not" is unlikely to change hearts and minds, except in regard to those hearts' and minds' opinion of you specifically. It's also missing the point. If you say, "Toast, you ONLY do improv because you don't have the attention span for stand-up," you're skipping over and discrediting all the special beautiful moments that can only happen in improv. You're missing the point.

The communal nature of fanfic is a huge part of the joy of fanfic. And the fact that it is a communal act means that, as the community is drains away, it becomes harder and less fun.

I don't know what we do about the alienation that so many fans are feeling. Sometimes it sounds like all of that it's so hard to make friends as an adult discourse, where the more that you hear people say it, the worse of a problem you know it is, and yet it almost feels like the omnipresence of the complaint should itself be the solution somehow -- all of you are lonely? Go be each other's friends! Everyone in fandom feels disconnected? Go talk to someone, boom, now you have a connection!

That's obviously not how life works, and to the extent that there's structural forces at play dismantling our communities, they can't be solved by individual acts of leaving a comment, or sending an ask, or @-ing an author when you post a rec. A lot of the comments I've received on fic have been self-contained niceties, which I loved getting, but which didn't go beyond that.

But some of the comments have led me to go create more art. Some of the comments have made me feel a sense of belonging. One comment straight up gave me insight into my own psyche that I did not consciously possess before that. And some comments have led to friendships, and one of those friendship meant that this weekend, I had a silly little conversation about a silly non-fannish thing, and the 'aha, there's a fic idea in here' part of my brain lit up and I wrote four thousand words of a brand new fanfic for the first time in a year and a goddamn half.

I don't know that I have a point. Fandom has been a lot harder and less fun for me lately, because of enshittification and capitalism and social media and my mental health and the hours that I work these days and the rise in streaming and the general underwhelmingness of a sequel which failed to revitalize a fandom I had really been enjoying writing for; maybe I just needed to talk my way through all this to remember that harder and less fun is not impossible and joyless. But it is still harder and less fun, and I wanted to remember that, too. I like the grace that this post has with both readers and writers. I think that's a good place to start.

feedback and fic in fandom (3 f's of our own)

This conversation about feedback on fic says everything I’ve been wanting to say better than I could say it. But I’ll go ahead and try anyway.

Over the last five years or so there have been some great discussions around the rise of commodification of fanworks and decline of fandom community. This commodification looks a bit like enshittification of the internet: a cool site exists; its popularity makes someone realize they can get money from it; it has more and more ads; the site adds features to drive engagement, including The Algorithm; the things that made the site cool start to fall away. The site exists now as a vehicle purely to get clicks, and the people on it are on it solely to get clicks—to make money, to be successful, for some kind of social cachet.

AO3 doesn’t have advertisements. It’s not making money. But what is happening to fandom is proof of concept that enshittification changes the way we as humans engage. A cool website in 2004 was often a community space where you could meet people, have conversations, find cool things, and make cool things. A cool website in 2024 is either a content farm that will continually feed you enough content to hold your attention, or a social media site where your participation will come with stats to show you whether you are holding the attention of others.

AO3 wasn’t built to be a community space. It doesn’t have great functions for meeting people and having conversations. The idea was that, because fandom community spaces already existed, AO3 would serve the part of that community where you can find the cool things and store the cool things you made. It was meant to be a library in a city, not the whole city itself.

But it was also never meant to be a website in 2024, a content farm constantly generating content solely for your clicks and eyeballs and ad revenue, or a social media site where the content creators themselves vie for your clicks and eyeballs.

The most common talking point when people discuss the enshittification of fandom is the folks out there who are treating AO3 as that first kind of enshittified website: the content farm. This discussion is about how people treat fanfic as a product for consumption.

The post that kicked off the discussion on @sitp-recs’s blog was about someone who wasn’t getting very many kudos or comments on their fic, and was feeling pretty demoralized about it, then joined a discord server and found an entire channel dedicated to people loving their fic. But those on that server had never come to share that love with the author, which the author found really discouraging.

There are more and more stories like this. Someone on tiktok pulls a quote from a fic on AO3 and makes a 10-second video with them staring at a wall, the quote pasted at the bottom, music playing over it. It has 100,000 hearts, and 100 comments with people gushing over the fic, which has 80 kudos on AO3. Overall, people notice more and more hits on their fics, but fewer and fewer comments or even kudos. Fewer and fewer people seem to feel the need to interact with the author, instead treating the fic like a product to be used and discarded—which the enshittified internet (a stunning feature of late-stage capitalism!) encourages. The fandom community is dying, these stories conclude.

I agree. 100%. Both of the stories above have happened to me—viral tiktoks about my fic, secret discord channels to follow and discuss my fic—and let me tell you, it fucking sucks.

But from these observations about fandom enshittification, the discussion continues in a very odd direction. The solution to the death of fandom community is our favorite enshittification buzzword: engagement. We should engage the authors. They’re producing these products for free. We consume them at no cost. We must demonstrate our gratitude by paying them back.

It’s as though the capitalist consumption that the enshittified web encourages is so ingrained within us that we must think in terms of payment, in terms of exchange, transaction. Or as though, by forgoing payment, authors are some kind of martyrs defying capitalism, and the only way to honor their great sacrifice is comments and kudos.

Indeed, the discourse around this sometimes does veer away from capitalist rhetoric into something that smells almost religious in desperation. Authors are gods who bestow us mere mortals with the fruits of their labor benevolently, through love; the least we can do is worship them. Meanwhile the authors adopt the groveling sentiment of starving artists: I produce great art; I only humbly ask that you feed me in return.

These kinds of entreaties make my skin crawl for a number of reasons. I’m not a god. I’m not writing because I love you. I don’t expect your worship or even your praise.

I think the thing that disturbs me the most about it is that it suggests that authors (or, if the OP is feeling generous fan work creators) are the most important people in fandom. I’ve even seen posts stating that without creators, fandom wouldn’t exist—as though readers aren’t just as important. As though conversations where people discuss characterizations and plot points and randomly spin out interpretations and ideas and thoughts related to canon are meaningless. I’ve even seen people scramble to include folks having these discussions as “creators,” as though realizing that these people are necessary and integral to fandom communities but unable to drop the idea that the producers are the ones who are important. As though that person who just lurks can never count.

Is this what community is? When you join the queer community, are you expected to produce a product of your queerness? If not, must you actively participate and give back to the queer community in order to be considered a part of it? Or is it enough that you are queer, that you exist as a queer person and want to be around others who are queer, you want to be a part of something? What is community, anyway?

The problem with people raising the authors above everyone else in the community and demanding that tribute be paid is that they are decrying the “content farm” style of 2024 website out of one side of their mouth, but out of the other side are instead demanding that AO3 become a 2024-style social media website. Authors are influencers. “Engagement” and clicks are the things that really matter. They are in fact suggesting that the way to solve the commodification of fanfic is by “paying authors back” with stats.

Before anyone comes at me with the idea that comments aren’t just “stats,” I will clarify what I mean. There are literally hundreds of posts on tumblr alone claiming that any comment “helps” the author. Someone replies that they are shy to comment. Someone else replies that incoherent keyboard smashes, a single emoji, or the comment “kudos” are all that is required to satisfy the author, all that is required as tribute—all that is required as payment to keep this economy healthy.

I’m not condemning the comments that are keyboard smashes or emojis or a single kind word. I receive them. They make me happy. If anyone wants to leave such a comment on my fics, I’m really grateful for it. But this is not community-building. This is a transaction. In @yiiiiiiiikes25’s excellent response in the post linked at the beginning, they point out that “you have a cool hat” is something that is “perfectly nice” to hear from someone—and it is! We all want to be told we have a cool hat! But as they go on to say, what builds community is interactions that are deep and specific, interactions that are rich in quality, not in quantity. A kudos or a comment that says only ❤️are lovely things to receive, but they don’t build community.

My reaction, when I see people begging for kudos and comments as the only means by which to keep fandom community alive, is very close to @eleadore's. I want to say, “No. Readers do not need to comment or kudos. Believe not these hucksters who claim to know the appropriate method of fandom participation. Participate as you feel able, or not at all; nothing is required of you.”

I’ve been told before (several times) that I’m not qualified to participate in such discussions because I am an established author who has some fics with very high stats. It doesn’t matter that I have also been a new writer with almost no one reading my fics. It doesn’t matter that I still write in new fandoms where no one in that fandom knows me. It doesn’t matter that I, like any human being, still care about receiving recognition and attention and praise.

And maybe that’s correct. I personally don’t think that billionaires have a place in deciding the direction of the economy, and--if we're really going to consider fandom an economy--in fandom terms, if I’m not a billionaire, or even a millionaire, I’m definitely in the infamous “one percent.” So, just as no one wants to hear Elon Musk say “money isn’t everything,” maybe it’s not my place to say “kudos isn’t required, actually.”

That said, I’m not the only one who has a problem with the stats-based discourse around fandom community. However, the main counter-response to this discussion I see goes something like this: you shouldn’t be writing fic for validation. If you’re writing for attention, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Authors should write fic because they love it without any expectation of return.

This is, in my opinion, missing the point of what is meant by fandom community.

I wrote fanfic before I knew that fanfic, as a concept, existed. I read books; I wanted them to be different; I wrote little stories for myself with new endings, with self-inserts, with cross-overs, with alternate universes. I did it for myself in the 90s. It never occurred to me that anyone else would do this, much less that people would share.

As @faiell points out—creating and sharing are two different things. I created fics for myself, but I decided to share them in the early 2000s because other people might like them, too. And of course, I wanted to hear whether other people liked them. How could I not? I might decorate my home just for me and not for anyone else’s preferences, but when people come over and say my house is nice, how can I not enjoy that? And if a lot of people think my house is nice, which encourages me to post pictures of it online, isn’t it understandable I might do so with the hope that more people will say my house is nice? And, honestly, if no one is appreciating my pictures, I probably won’t continue to go through the trouble of taking them and posting them. I’ll just enjoy my house that I decorated without sharing, the end.

When I found out there were whole fannish communities where people discussed canon and tossed ideas around about it, made theories and prompts and insights into the characters, fics they had written and recs for other fics and analyses of fics and art based on fics and fics based on art—I wanted to be a part of that, too. Now, sometimes, I write fic not out of an internal need to do so but out of a desire to participate in that community.

The idea that we write fic only for the love of it, then post it only because we possess it, is a process entirely centered on the self. It’s fandom in a vacuum. The idea that we share this thing, that we feel pleasure if someone likes it but feel nothing at all if no one says anything about it, that it’s completely okay to be ignored and unseen—that’s not what a community is either. That’s some weird sort of self-aggrandizement through self-effacement—because yes, there is often a weird kind of virtue-signaling in this kind of discourse.

I say this as someone who has virtue-signaled in that way: “some people write for stats, but I write for myself.” It’s bullshit. Sure, I write for myself, but why post it on the internet? Honestly, said virtue has a whiff of the capitalist machine, which would like you to produce for the sake of production, work for the sake of work. The noblest among us expect no recompense for that which they give!

The reason that I’m bringing this back around to capitalism is that capitalism actively works to dismantle community. The reason that folks are out here pleading for “engagement” in order to “pay back” authors for the products they give us “for free” is because people no longer even have the language to discuss how to participate in meaningful community. And frankly, how to build back fandom community, in the face of enshittification, is getting harder and harder to see.

But I do think that if we value fanfic and the fanfic community, it’s really, really not constructive to judge whether someone’s reasons for writing fanfic are valid. It’s also weird to me that it would be considered wrong that someone’s reason for sharing fanfic is because they would like to receive some recognition for it, when in fact that seems to be the most natural reason in the world for sharing something so private and vulnerable with the world.

Let’s go back to that idea of how hurtful it is to find out your fanfic is trending on tiktok without anyone from tiktok saying anything to you about your fic, or how it can be painful to find out there’s a secret discord channel dedicated to your fic. The people who respond to that with, “Ah, but you shouldn’t be writing to get attention!” are missing the point. The fic did get attention. It got lots. Attention obviously wasn't why the writer was writing--they were writing to participate, and they didn't get to. At all.

However, if your conclusion is that the author was upset because these particular stats were not accruing under this author’s profile, thereby preventing them from achieving the vaunted status of BNF and influencer—I don’t know, maybe you’re right. But I don’t think that’s why I, personally, have been hurt by these things, and I doubt it’s what hurt the people in these posts either. They’re hurt because they want to participate, and they have been systematically excluded by the very people they thought were part of the community they thought they could participate in.

Sure, if those folks from tiktok and the discord server all came and showered the author with kudos and comments that said “kudos,” the author might have felt satisfied enough with the quantity of this recognition that they would continue writing. But in the end, this still does nothing to address the problem of fandom community, in which the deep, meaningful recognition, interactions, and relationships in fandom are getting harder and harder to have and to build, as a result of how people now expect to engage in online spaces.

So, how to address the problem of fandom community? You probably read this long, long post hoping that I had an answer, and for that I must apologize. I don’t have solutions. My intent was to be descriptive, rather than prescriptive. I wished to outline the problems that I’m seeing in what was hopefully a slightly new or at least thought-provoking way, rather than offer solutions.

But, now that I’m talking about being prescriptive, maybe I can offer one suggestion, which is—maybe the solution to this isn’t about prescribing behavior. I do understand the irony in writing a prescription saying we shouldn’t prescribe people, but I’m going to write it anyway:

Maybe we shouldn’t be telling anyone the appropriate reasons for writing fanfic or for sharing it. Maybe we shouldn’t be telling readers they need to kudos or need to comment. If we’re going to go pointing fingers, we should be pointing at the institutions of capitalism that have made the internet what it is today—but I don’t think that’s going to solve the problem either.

But I do think that describing this problem, understanding what it actually is, not blaming readers for it and not blaming authors for it—I do think that helps. The discussion I linked at the beginning of this post is what I think of as the fandom I miss, the fandom that's now harder and harder to access, the fandom that is dying. That fandom was a social space where people had opinions and disagreed and went back and forth and gazed at their navels and then talked about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In the words of @yiiiiiiiikes25, it was a fuckin’ discussion about hats. And we’re hungry for it.

[niyafics]

🐈‍⬛ ⊹“ 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐫 for me ”₊˚✧ﾟ⋆

paige bueckers x reader

—⋆𐙚₊˚ wc : 1.6k

⋆₊˚ cw : fluff, first person p.o.v, implied sex, petname: kitten/kitty, alcohol, both intoxicated

⋆₊˚ summary : you’ve been sleeping with a popular athlete at your college, reminiscing on the first time you hooked up; drunk, during a halloween party.

⋆₊˚ a/n: debating a part two of this, as well as other fics if writers block doesn’t curse me again :3 we’ll see!

SOMETIMES, I wondered if I should tell my friends I’m banging Paige Bueckers.

There’s no way in hell they’d believe me at first. That one of the star athletes on our campus was moaning my name, with her long, blonde, silky hair slipping through my fingers since late October, almost two months now.

I think that’s what I liked about it, besides the fact that her mouth was amazing for various reasons, and she was stupidly beautiful, it was our secret, and only ours. We were so far apart from each other socially, it would leave our closest relationships wondering how.

Crossing paths with her on campus became a thrill. We’d exchange a hungry, affectionate, stare. A knowing smirk. My tongue gliding over my lip like I can taste her again.

I remember the sloppy intoxicated kisses we shared in a messy frat house bathroom Halloween night.

She had a Scream mask on, black jeans and fitted T-shirt. I was Catwoman. Mask over my eyes when she burst in and caught me hunched over the sink with my eyes clutched close, to keep the room from spinning.

“Oh shit, my bad,” She erupted in chuckles, slurring words, shutting the door behind her like it wasn’t a half bathroom, and I wasn’t a stranger. “Sorry, I’m soo fucked up right now, and — geez..” She slipped the mask off, slicking back her already perfect bun instinctively. I watched her from the mirror, my nausea slowly settling. She stands over me from behind fiddling on her phone,

Towering me, her body heat close to my back. From the look of her frustrated expression, it’s dead. “Do you have an iPhone charger?” Her drunkness dragging out the question, blue eyes squinted, and darting around for somewhere to plug it into.

“I-uh..yeah..let me just..” I reached into my purse I almost forgot was under my arm, starting to dig. Paige is leaning over my shoulder. I feel her watching my every move, when a mix of fruity alcohol and her perfume hit my nose. That’s when the realization sinks in. That it was Paige fucking Bueckers. The girl I recently liked a thirsty TikTok edit of on my for you page...

To think I almost didn’t go out tonight.

I finally find it, looking up in the mirror slightly extending my arm back to offer Paige the cord, my heart beat starting to speed up as I stir with confusing tipsy thoughts. Still behind, maybe even closer, staring at me with sleepy, low eyes and a curled smirk on her rosy pink lips. Our eyes lock. I almost forget where I am. I’m turning from bubbly drunk into a nervous one.

Paige is still full of liquid courage as she leans one hand on the counter in front of me. Her chest is almost on my back.

“You’re a really pretty kitty, you know that?” She coos it in my ear, observing me head to waist in the reflection. I could melt into a puddle right now. A big, gay, puddle.

“Meow for me? Or..do I have to pet you for that?” She hiccups a laugh. Tingles are sent through my whole body as I hang onto every word.

Kitty..

I need another shot. I need her to take this stupid charger. I’m warm everywhere, my pulse is thumping in a few places.

“Oh, sweet!” She snaps me out of my daze, grabbing for the charger clutched so tight it leaves a small indent when I let her take it from me. “Thanks. I’m totally smashed and I am not walking home..” She grumbles. Slamming down the toilet lid, next to the sink to sit on, plugging her phone by the sink.

“We can’t just stay in here forever, you know?” I complain, but I don’t really mind. I just don’t want to embarrass myself infront of her, or fall for her teasing.

She’s known for breaking hearts too.

“Just a few minutes, kitty, I promise.” She pouts, closing her hands together, batting full, mascara covered lashes. I roll my eyes, irritated by how cute she is, and fold my arms. “Pleasseeee.”

“Fine, fine,” I give in, turning my back to the counter and leaning on it. “Only until it turns on and you get your ride or whatever.” She grins because she won. That smile was like magic. I try to focus on the door to stop myself from staring at her. From thinking about how much it gives me butterflies when she calls me Kitty.

“Well..” She sets her phone down and stands back up, infront of me now, as soon as she does from how confined it is. “You might as well get comfortable.” her slim shoulders shrug.

I raise a brow at her, not sure what to expect, shes buzzed, unpredictable. I’m also buzzed, and oblivious. Paige reaches for my mask pulling it up until it slides down the back of my hair. She’s looking at me, but focused, chewing on her lip. I stare back even though something starts to stir in me from doing so.

I start to feel a little self conscious, so my gaze averts away out habit. She draws me in with her thumb and index finger gently guiding my chin forcing my view to her.

Those pools of clear water she calls eyes. I felt like was drowning in anticipation.

“That was really nice of you,” She whispers, alcohol and mint gum on her breath. “I think a thank you is in order...what do you think?” She’s staring at my mouth plain as day. I can’t help but look at hers. We’re pressed together tightly against the sink, faces inches away, but she waits for my response. I lick my lipstick & liner, anxious for her embrace to destroy my work.

“How?” I ask, but I know. And she knows I do, when she smirks, gently diving her head down to mine. I close my eyes waiting for her soft lips to meet me. I gasp when they hit my throat instead.

sucking,

licking

kissing. My mouth is forming a soft O before I can even scold her about marks.

How hammered could I be to let a hot inebriated girl attack the crook of my neck in a bathroom that wasn’t mine?

But she wasn’t just some girl.

She was the one who’s back I burned holes into with my eyes when I ended up behind her walking to another building on campus, or at the cafeteria while she loudly entertained her friends with jokes. Wondering what she was really like outside of the interviews I watched, and other peoples experiences. Never thinking I’d have a shot.

‘Well, here it is.’ a voice in my head whispered. my consciousness.

Swoosh.

My body relaxed under her touch as eager hands gripped my waist, pulling me in, working down my chest, stopping at the black bodysuits zipper. Paige pulled me back giving me a woozy smile, I open my eyes to see why she stopped, ready to protest. For a second she seems like she’s needy for this.

“God, (y/n),” She groans. “You’re even prettier up close...” She takes me in, eyes slightly wild. I shake my head a little with a laugh, slightly confused but beyond aroused hearing my name come out.

“How do you know my-” Her mouth shuts me up, I immediately melt in, my knees weaken. Paige props her leg between them and holds me up. I nibble on her plump lower lip and she moans, That sets her off. They get messy, more tongue, with sounds of pleasure. I don’t mind finding out a little later.

Seriously, how did she know that?

I whine when she pulls away again. Her mouth and the surrounding area is smudged a deep scarlet. I look back at the mirror briefly, of course, we’re twinning, with small love bites on the side of my neck, trailing. Her slender fingers toying with my zipper. The suit fit my chest tightly and she was entranced to say the least. Touching the metal so gently like it’d fly down at any moment.

“What do I have to do to get this off of you, kitty?” She grumbles, gripping dangerously close to my ass, planting pecks all over me, I can’t help but dreamily sigh. She’s good at basketball and kissing. Noted. I needed to find out her other talents.

“Take me home.” I said confidently. At least, some part of one of the 4Lokos I drank said it for me. Normal me would never have the guts. Her eyes slightly widened with shock, excitement, or both. She snatches up her phone and my charger out the wall, clamoring to order us the closest ride to her place, her hips still pinned against me, knee between my thighs. I know she felt it heating up.

A ride matches immediately because of the holiday. We reach for our masks, ready to bail our friend groups, my mind already making up a fake assignment I forgot about that I had to rush to.

I go to put mine on after wiping red off my chin, and Paige stops me, grabbing my wrist.

“One more kiss?” I give it to her, and the last look I get before the Scream mask is back on is a horny one, lower lip under her front teeth.

Her arm worms around my hip before we sneak through the empty backyard down the block a little to meet the driver. Her legs long and I’m still fuzzy, she has to slow down, so she isn’t dragging me. We’re giggling and talking about ugly decorations on other lawns before the ride stops and she opens the door for me. As I’m walking up she whispers to me, and it’s almost inaudible, from the mask, to how low she says it. Hand cupping my ass to guide me in.

“You don’t have to meow,” I can hear the smirk smeared on her face. “I’ll just make you purr for me.”

She shuts the door. Paige squeezes one of my thighs the whole way there, while I squeeze them both together.

niyafics©️

[borathae]

Making Time

“Christmas time has been pretty stressful for you and Taehyung. And so he decides that you and he should make time for some much needed tranquility.”

Pairing: CEO!Taehyung x f. CEO!Reader

Genre: Slice of Life, Fluff, married life!AU

Wordcount: 772

a/n: let's have some cozy wintery fluff, besties ❤ also, if you have ideas for his b-day fic, sent me an ask. i'm very open for inspiration

Life at the office has been especially stressful in December. Customers suddenly realise that they needed to have all of their million ideas finished before the new year. Christmas dinners with various business partners have become a constant. And all of the end of the year financial to-dos are coming closer and closer. 

Christmas time for Taehyung is definitely not a time of quiet and joy. It is a time of waking up in the dark and leaving for home in the dark. It is a time for stress and long days and way too many things to do.

You are in the same boat than him. Christmas time at your company is even more stressful as people around the holidays really love buying skincare for their loved ones. You have endless business meetings and way too many Christmas dinners scheduled. You leave for work in the dark and come home in the dark. It is a time of little sleep and barely any moments of wintery calm. 

Taehyung decides that it is time to change this. Christmas has always been his favourite time and he won’t let adulthood ruin it. And he is going to include you.

Taehyung leaves work at around five, which should be a normal time for people to leave work, but is terribly early for someone like him. He texts you to make sure that you have time.

Taehyung: I’m bored at work. Watcha doing? ♡ 

Darling ♡: Bored too… going through some contracts. You? ♡

Taehyung: yeah same :/ 

He giggles to himself. You have no idea. Oh, he is going to surprise you so good. He decides to take the bus to your company, enjoying it greatly. He likes watching other people live their lives. Some seem to leave work, some are packed with Christmas presents and others seem out for a wintery adventure. Taehyung likes watching them, already feeling a little better. It is those little moments which really count. 

Taehyung decides to call you once he is in front of your company. You pick up after the second ring.

“Someone is really bored, isn’t he? Hey there, darling.”

“Want to come down?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’m in front of your work, waiting for you.”

You snicker, “you didn’t.”

“I did. Come down, darling. In your warm clothes.”

“Okay, okay I’m coming. Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

Taehyung waits for you with a racing heart. He is so excited to see you. 

You appear in the doorway ten minutes later, grinning from ear to ear. Taehyung meets you in the middle.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here. What are you doing?” you say, greeting him with a smiley kiss on his lips. 

Taehyung holds your hips, grinning at you.

“Just thought that I could surprise you.”

“Well, I’m definitely surprised.” you hook your arms behind his head. “Wanna tell me why I had to come down with my warm clothes?”

“Because you are not going back up again.”

“I’m not?”

“Nope. You are going to hold my hand and then take a walk with me.”

You snicker, following him down the stairs. 

“I can do that. Are we going somewhere specific?” 

“I thought that we could be getting some hot cocoa?”

“This sounds lovely. I’m down.”

“Yay”, he singsongs, squeezing your gloved hand. “I think we should be doing this more often. Christmas feels like Christmas again.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

And as you and he walk down the warmly lit streets, the clouds above your heads finally begin snowing down on the earth. Taehyung stops, looking up into the sky. A smile hushes over his beautiful face, snowflakes kiss his skin.

You snuggle closer to him, resting your head against his arm before looking up into the sky as well. It is dark and the snowflakes reflect the million of lights around you, looking like glittering stars raining down on you.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” you whisper.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”

You and he giggle, looking at the other. Taehyung initiates a kiss, which you so gladly reciprocate. Your hearts seem to beat in sync once the snowy kiss breaks. You stub noses, holding hands.

“This is our first snowfall together”, Taehyung says.

“I know. It’s pretty romantic.”

“Yeah. Oh darling, come here you. I need to hug you”, he says and pulls you against his chest to give you a tight bear hug.

You snicker, melting into his warm embrace.

Perhaps it is because you and he are finally together like this, but the city seemed quieter all of a sudden. The peace of Christmas time is finally felt by you and him.

[auroracalisto]

the way i want you.

benedict bridgerton x fem!reader, 1.4k words summary: the reader is one of eloise's closest friends... and madly in love with benedict bridgerton. at a ball, he reveals his true feelings to them. a/n: the only mention of the reader being female is the dress and corset they are wearing. so. if you pretend to not read that, it could be gender neutral. this was an old draft with like two paragraphs that i started looking at. idk why it’s written in lowercase but the vibe is there and i'm not changing it. GIRL I JUST CHECKED AND I STARTED THIS IN APRIL OF 2022. bye. absolutely insane. (thank you past me, i actually really appreciate the inspo)

if there was anything you knew for certain, it was that you were madly in love with your dearest friend’s elder brother.

being near him made your heart thunder against the confines of your chest, threatening to be loud enough for all to hear.

your hands began to tremble, your voice began to waver.

the love you felt for him was so very obvious to everyone, it seemed, save for benedict.

eloise poked fun while penelope scolded her (for she, too, understood what it was like to love a bridgerton who didn't love her back). but deep down, eloise knew you would love her brother like no other. marriage might have been a fine prospect for benedict, but if he were to marry you, he would never wish for someone to love—you would be everything that he would need.

eloise had even quipped a time or two, teasing her brother and goading him into thinking about you. not that she would tell you, of course.

but love was a fickle thing. it worked in the oddest of ways, and quite frankly, it was hard to tell who benedict truly loved, if he loved at all.

he loved himself, and he loved his family. but eloise’s friend? the girl whom was just a few years younger than he, the one he saw blossom into a woman after several years of puberty? how could he possibly love her?

you wished he did. oh, it was a wish you made on the stars above more often than not. at any point in time, when you saw the first stars dot the sky, the wish would leave your lips.

let him love me.

please let him see me.

please let him know.

was it odd? perhaps. but in this world of expensive balls and beautiful debutantes, it didn’t seem too farfetched—especially when you loved someone. it would hurt to see them go off and love another, would it not?

your heart wasn't kind.

time wasn’t kind.

neither was your father or the corset you wore or the ballgown that seemed to itch in every crevice possible.

of course you had to choose the worst dress of all the ones you owned for this accursed ball! a repeat dress, to say the least. someone would snitch—you were sure it would be raved all about in lady whistledown's next pamphlet.

your mother was nowhere to be found while your father mingled with some of his military friends. eloise was hiding somewhere, most likely with penelope or by the buffet, and most of the bridgertons’ that had come to the ball were out in the ballroom floor, including anthony and colin.

but where was benedict?

you wouldn’t ask him to dance, despite your dance card being blank. you just wanted to see him—see his handsome face, his pretty smile.

lost in your thoughts, you didn’t realize a man was creeping up behind you until a hand found its way to your back. you nearly dropped your flute of champagne, wide eyed as you looked back at the culprit. champagne splashed by your gown, and you said a silent thank you to whatever the universe had done to prevent your repeat dress being ruined by none other than the very man of your thoughts—benedict bridgerton.

“what on earth are you doing?” you asked, quickly turning to face him.

“just coming to see my sister’s friend,” he said, a cheeky smile playing on his lips. “am i not allowed to come and talk to you anymore, miss y/n?”

your eyes widened a bit. “you—of course you’re allowed. i will not tell you what to do. but to scare me like that? what if i had spilled this on you?"

“oh, i beg your pardon,” he said. “i didn’t know you were so jumpy. had i’d known, perhaps i would’ve tried to actually scare you.”

“you are a fiend, benedict bridgerton.”

he grinned. “and you love me for it, do you not?”

your cheeks burned in embarrassment as you looked away. you cleared your throat, avoiding what you truly wanted to say: yes. “why aren’t you dancing?”

“hm. well, i was, but when mother wasn’t looking, i slipped away.”

“she’ll get onto you.”

“perhaps,” he said, scrunching his nose. “but if i’m talking to you, she will excuse it.”

you rolled your eyes. “and why is that?”

“you’re eloise’s friend. she’ll excuse it.”

you purse your lips. right. just eloise’s friend. you let out a soft sigh and nod, looking out at the ballroom floor. the song was soft and light and the party-goers danced slowly with their partners. it was a sweet song, if you had to admit to anything that night.

you wouldn’t admit your love for benedict. you couldn’t. you wouldn’t. not now, not ever.

something catches benedict’s eye and he would have up and left had he not been thinking. he cleared his throat as he looked down at you.

“come with me,” he said.

eyebrows furrowed, you glanced at him. “what?”

“you heard me,” he said. “come with me.”

you do as you’re told. you follow him, and he leads you in to a hallway. there are a few other patrons, so you are not alone with a man (oh, god, imagine the scandal), but he specifically leads you to a painting in the middle of the hall.

“a painting?” you asked.

“not just any painting,” he said. “look at it. what does it remind you of?”

you shift where you stand, looking up at it. the oil pastels are beautiful, yes, but it’s a simple painting of a beautiful woman. what’s it to remind you of?

“it looks like your sister,” you said.

he snorted softly. “no,” he said. “it’s beautiful, yes, but that’s not what i wanted you to look at.”

he pointed towards the background. just beyond the portrait of the woman lay a field of beautiful flowers, each one meticulously painted by whomever the painter had been. it looked like it must have taken a painstakingly long time to paint each individual one.

“it reminds me of all the time i do not have,” you simply said.

“oh, you are no fun, y/n!” he said. he looked down at you and smiled. “they remind me of you.”

you blinked slowly. “what?”

“beautiful and yet so unattainable, hm?”

you blinked again. “i beg your pardon?”

“look at them,” he said. “each one unique in their own way, each one hand painted by someone with enough gumption to keep on with it. whoever did it wanted their painting to be utterly beautiful and difficult to recreate. all the fine detail makes the painting that much more extraordinary.”

“wait, wait, benedict, unattainable?”

“right. well if i wanted to recreate this, it would take me some time, wouldn’t it?”

“benedict. how would something like that remind you of me?”

he smiled at you for a moment before he softly said: “you’re eloise’s friend. i couldn’t do that to her.”

“do what?”

“have you the way i want you.”

it’s simple—those seven words seemed to change everything, and it was one of the most simple things you had ever heard.

your lips part in mild shock and you took a slight step back, looking at benedict in confusion. “are… are you—“

“yes. i am in earnest, y/n.”

“why did you—“

“not say anything sooner? have you seen how aggravating eloise has been recently? i did not need to fuel her ammunition.”

“since when did—“

“for some time now.”

“will you let me—“

“no, i will not,” he interrupted again.

“i swear to the lord above that i will—“

“no swearing,” he said. “just self expression, hm? like the painting?”

“what? benedict, you’re not making any sense.”

“maybe not.” benedict smiled down at you. “come. we should head back. perhaps fill in your dance card for once.”

you frowned. “what will eloise say?”

“i do not care,” he said. “it seems to me that you care far more than i do. besides, do you not hear how she speaks to me? i think she'd be honored."

he’s right—perhaps he’s yet to say anything because the way his life had been. perhaps he hadn’t said a word because of everything he and eloise had talked about. there was always timing, and sometimes, it was just a bit off.

whatever it may be, he was here, and he was true to himself. he wanted you, and he would have you, heedless of your thoughts and what eloise wanted from either of you.

oh, the scandal, dear reader. but as long as the two of you plan to marry, whatever scandal could there truly be?

[azrielstaylorsversion]

Just a friend

Azriel x reader

When two best friends are in love with each other and they finally get one last push, what will become of their relationship?

My laugh echoes through the room as Azriel tells me about his biggest and definitely most embarrassing mission scandal.

We have been talking for hours at this point. It was just past midnight. We did this at least a few times per week. Or at least we tried to, when we weren't working too hard.

The two of us were curled up on the couch in front of the crackling fireplace of the one of the many rooms of the House of Wind.

A blanket is pulled over my body with a hot cup of tea in my hands, trying not to spill the hot water as my body shakes with laughter.

Az is sitting next to me while I am laying down, using his lap to rest my legs on. One of his hands rests just above my knee. He always needed to touch me somehow.

"That didn't happen." I laugh again.

Azriel chuckles, "It did. And I'm not proud of it, but it makes a good story."

I watch his face lighten with happiness. Something I like about him in private; the way he laughs and smiles.

His shadows float through my hair. I don't even really notice it anymore, they are just there. A part of me, just like Az is a part of me. In a way.

Best friend.

Azriel's relaxed body stiffens slightly, his attention turning towards the door.

"Who is it?" I ask.

He turns his face back to me. "Late night talks are over." he gently pats my leg. "Cass needs me in three.. two..--"

He is cut off by the door swinging open. Cassian walks in, Nests following close behind. They both look irritated in their own way.

Their eyes fall on us. Nesta's eyes linger just a few seconds too long, curiosity shining in them.

"Sorry Y/N, gonna take Az from you." he hauls his brother from the couch and drags him along.

Azriel turns around one more time and smiles, mouthing help.

They disappear out of the room while Nesta lets herself fall down on the couch next to me.

"What did you do?" I ask her.

"More like what I didn't do." she says with a slight smirk on her face. I laugh, ready to ask her about the details. "Before you speak we are going to talk about something else."

"What is it?" I ask confused.

"When are you and Az just going to admit it." she sighs.

"What?" I ask stunned.

"Oh stop that. You know what I'm talking about. You're in love with him, he's in love with you." Nesta explains.

I open my mouth to say something, but I can't find the words.

"He's so in love with you. Why won't you see it." she groans.

"I don't know what you mean." I tell her, trying to keep my cheeks from turning red.

"Hm, let me see; the way he looks at you. He never looks at anyone that way. You make him light up, he actually jokes around you, the way you two are always cuddled up, how he almost always has a hand somewhere on your body. Oh, and when he talks about you when you're not in the room." Nesta says. "He's madly in love with you."

My cheeks turn more red. "That's what best friends do."

Nesta let's out a laugh. "Definitely not. Maybe some things, but not the touching thing. Oh, and how he always looks at you when you aren't paying attention."

I progress her words. Did I love him? No doubt. But with Nesta telling me this, I actually started to believe it could be mutual.

We've known each other for centuries, so if I even as much as ruined our friendship I would be heartbroken.

"Just talk and see where that gets you." Nesta smiles.

I toss and turn in my bed. The sheets and pillows are too warm, but when I get out of bed everything is too cold.

The moon shines through my windows, but I'm too lazy to do something about the bright light.

The thought of Azriel runs through my mind. It's all Azriel, Azriel, Azriel.

Nesta's words hang heavy in my head.

I sigh and push the sheets off my body. I make my way to the closet to throw a sweater over my nightgown and walk for the door.

I don't hesitate to open it and walk straight through.

Azriel's room isn't far away from mine. Where my room is at the very beginning of the hallway, his is at the very end.

I've been inside his room many times, but never have I actually been nervous to enter.

I move my hand to knock, but the door already opens, revealing a very much awake Az. A very much awake Az with a black eye and split lip.

The nervousness disappears and worry replaces it. "Are you okay?" I ask.

"You should see Cass."

I stare at him, unsure what to do now.

"What are you doing here?" he asks with that loving tone.

"I-.. I can't stop thinking." I decide to tell him.

"Do you want to come in?" he already steps aside.

I nod and walk inside as he closes the door. His familiar smell fills my nose. What was I doing...

Azriel sits down on his bed, patting the spot next to him.

I sit down and he immediately grabs my hand.

"Why do you do that?" I ask without thinking, remembering Nesta's words.

I look at Azriel's stunned face.

"Because.." he doesn't seem to progress his own words. "Because I want to be close to you."

There is actually tension between us and I hate it. This doesn't feel nice.

"Is that what best friends do?" I ask him.

He looks down at our intertwined hands. "Maybe some, but.."

"But what?"

He sighs, but not in a irritated way. "I like touching you. I like being near you. I like your presence and the way you talk. And I just overall love you."

I stare at him. "Like.. Like what? A friend?"

"No, I love you. Not in a friend way." he finally says.

Even though it was my plan to confess, he did it before I got the chance.

He notices the way my face falls. Worry takes over his features. "I'm sorry if I ruined--"

"I love you too. I love you so much." I remove my hands from his and place them against his face. "You have no idea how much I love you and how much I've loved you for years."

He laughs, his eyes slightly glistening with tears. "You have no idea how loved you make me feel. Even as a friend, you saved me."

He pulls my body closer to his, leaning in to kiss me. I gladly let him, pressing my lips against his.

He pulls me on his lap, and as we kiss, something snaps.

I pull my face away from him, looking at him. I didn't have to look twice to see if he really felt that too.

"Mate." I whisper.

"You're my mate." Azriel says softly.

[babyboy555777]

New York~New assistant-Rafe Cameron PT:1

Summary: You were hired for one of the biggest businessmen in New York to be his assistant.

CW: bit of angst in this chapter. Leading up to the rest of the story. (did not proofread)

You straightened your now messed up hair as you walked into the tall lit up building. The wind gusted through the doors as someone else had stepped in behind you making your hair fly slightly to the front of your face. "Damn it." you mutter to yourself.

You quickly fixed your hair again walking away from the door and towards the elevator. You stepped into the crowded small space taking a deep breath getting light head by all the expensive perfumes and cologne mixing around in the tight space shared by others.

As the elevator dinged at the top floor you stepped off looking around lost. You looked at each door all looking the same looking for a specific name. As you made it to the last door on the hall you let out a sigh of relief seeing "Cameron" on a gold plaque screwed into the heavy wooden door.

You softly brought your hand up and knocked hearing it as it echoed through the empty hallway. "Come in!" A voice yelled behind the door. You slowly open the door walking in to see a tall lean but muscular man looking out the window as he spoke on the phone.

His buzzed hair fit him perfectly. His jaw was smooth yet sharp all at the same time. His hand clung to his phone angrily, making his veins a bit more visible on his on the back of his hand. His bicep twitched with each word he yelled out.

"I told you for the last time, I'm not doing that shit! Look I made my deal and if we can't agree then so sorry I will not be doing business with you go... go look somewhere else." He hung up the phone throwing it on the desk as if he didn't care if it broke.

He sighed holding his head in his hands. He rubbed over through his prickly hair. Soon he shot his cold blue eyes at you making a chill run down your spine. "And you are?" He cocked a brow moving closer to you.

You stood frozen and stiff but managed to speak. "I'm y/n, y/n y/l/n. I'm your new assist that was hired Friday." He nodded his head at you looking you up and down in your business outfit. You looked comfortable and very put together. He clicked his tongue walking back to his desk without another glance.

"Sit." He gestured to the char in front of him yet still not looking at you. You took the command and slowly sunk into the chair placing your purse beside you. Mr. Cameron flipped through papers his hands caressing each corner. You bit your bottom lip at the sight but soon shook your head trying to suppress the thoughts that flew into your mind.

"So, Miss y/l/n" He looked up at you with his blue eyes, once again making you shiver. You nodded your head at him. "Your office is right beside mine. Anything I need done you will do, or else you will be fired. Got it?" You nodded your head once again.

He leaned back in his chair, his muscles flexing with his movements. "You speak, or no?" He chuckled lightly. "I'm sorry. I was just letting you speak Mr. Cameron." He shook his head.

"You can speak when I've told or asked you something. As long as you don't interrupt me, unless it's important, then we are fine." You nodded your head again but stuttered out the words. "Y-yes sir."

He looked you up and down again before letting out a huff. "Like I said office is next door. On your desk you have one of these phones." he pointed to the sleek black phone connected with a cord.

"Blue button is connected to me and me only. It will ding letting you know if I'm on the line. If it is so important and cannot wait you will hit the blue button again."

He sat up a bit moving closer to his desk. "Now on your desk are a few papers. One contains my email and password along with varies other things I might need you to log into at certain times. You also have a new email; one used for here and here only. I can log into your email if I have suspicions of anything that goes against the work rules, which you can also find on your desk."

"If I do find anything I have the choice of a warning and talking to you about a rule being broken, or I can go ahead and fire you. I keep close watches on everyone here and nothing flies by me got it?"

You nodded your head. "I got it."

"Your first week I'll go easy on you. You are still figuring this all out and I don't need my work ruined by your stupid mistakes." Your face went slightly pink as he spoke. So much going on and it felt like no matter what you did your job was at a risk.

His voice was so stern, meaning that he did not play with his business. He was so serious, and it made you weak in the knees. "If I need you, I'll call you in. For now, you can go to your office."

You rose up from the chair grabbing your bag. You pulled down your skirt down as it rode up from the chair. Rafe watched your hands slide down your hips making him clear his throat and turn his head.

"Okay thank you." you said, and he gave a small smile in return before looked back to his papers on his desk. You quickly left his office closing the door softly behind you. You walked to the office right next to him looking at the sliver plaque that was plastered with your first and last name.

You let out a sigh of relief before opening the door and stepping in. You looked around the office. It was simple as small. A silver desk pairs with a sleek black chair with silver accents.

There was two flat computers side by side on the desk paired with a wireless mouse and keyboard. You laid your bag on the floor desk before looking over the view of the city.

You felt like you were in a movie looking over the city. The bight early sun shining through the window. Everyone below looked so small as if you could step on them from here. You could see the wind gusting through the tress off the city streets and people quickly pacing.

The sound of ringing echoed through office. You looked over the phone flashing red. Mr. Cameron's voice came through. "I need you to go to the faculty lounge and grab me some coffee."

You pressed the button answering back. "What would you like in it?" You grabbed a pen off your desk and a sticky note waiting to write it down. "Just black." he replied back, and the red light turned off.

You blinked a few times at the phone. "Okay then." you muttered to yourself getting up and heading down the hall. You found the lounge quickly and stepped in looking around for the coffee machine.

"Espresso machine?" You sighed looking at all the pods laying in the small metal basket. "For Cameron?" A voice spoke behind you. You nodded your head at the man who had his hands shoved into his pockets.

He slicked back his short black hair and stepped closer. "He has his own separated from the rest with his name." He opened the cabinet above you pulling down a similar basket with the name "Cameron" labeled on it.

"Thank you." you let out a sigh of relief grabbing one of the pods and popping it into the machine and grabbing a one-use cup and slipping it under the spout.

"No problem." The man smiled at you. "Are you his new assistant?" You nodded your head watching him lean against the counter. "Don't worry he'll be easy on you. He usually is with any of his assistances."

You cocked your head a bit. "Can I ask why?" He chuckled. "Because he knows he's hard to work with." You grabbed the cup slipping the lid on it. You nodded your head thinking of his words. Hard to work with.

"Thank you for your help. I appreciate it." You smiled gentle at him and walked out without saying another word.

You knocked on the wooden door once again. He yelled through the door to come in. "You don't have to knock you just come in. Got it." He said in a stern voice.

"Yes sir. I'm sorry." He looked up from his desk. "9 minutes." You looked at him confused for a moment before speaking up. "Excuse me?" He cleared his throat. "It takes 2 minutes to get from your office and down the hall. Takes 2 minutes to prep the coffee pod and cup. And then takes 2 to get back here. 6 minutes is how long it should be."

Your face went red out of embarrassment. "I couldn't figure out what coffee you wanted. I was aware you had yours separated from the rest. A guy same in and help and then..." He interrupted your words.

"What guy." He scoffed his words. "I'm not sure. He was a taller man with slick back hair."

"Kody? Stay away from him he'll get in the way of your work." He paused. "He talks to damn much." his last words leaving his mouth quietly. "I'm sorry." You place the coffee on his desk and backed up.

"You can go now." You nodded your head left the office. Thoughts flew your head. "Mad over the time coffee arrives to his desk. What a prick" you thought to yourself before walking back into your office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had finally made it to the end of the day. Letting out a deep sigh you pushed yourself back into your chair quietly thanking god the day has come to an end.

Rafe's words were a lie. "Your first week I'll go easy on you." What a literal fucking lie. You sighed pushing back into your desk chair throwing your head back waiting for your last few papers to print.

Rafe's voice rang through the speaker phone. "My office now." He said in a stern deep voice. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head already aggravated with him from today.

You quickly got up making your way to the big office at the end of the hallway, opening the door and stepping in. "Yes sir?" Your voice rang through the big room. He turned in his chair nodding his head telling you to sit.

He had his eyes locked on your body as you moved to the chair in front of him. He cleared his throat before speaking. "I'll be honest right here right now. I want you."

Your face goes bright red. "Ex..excuse me?" He chuckled getting up from his seat walking over to your chair. He leaned down close to your face. "I want you. I want to taste you." His voice was husky and raw and it made all the hairs on your body stand.

He leaned in closer to your neck right below your ear. "And if you don't let me...I'll fucking fire you." Your eyes went wide. You couldn't even afford to lose this job. This, right now, was all you had.

"What." you said breathless as his lips brushed against your neck. "You heard me." You'd be lying if you said you weren't even a little bit turned on. You bit your lip trying to hold yourself back.

Rafe trailed one of his hands up and down your thigh. "Ever since you walked in, I knew I wanted you." He chuckled pulling back from your neck looking you in the eyes. "I worked you to death so I could fuck the stress right out of you."

"Holy shit, I'm about to fuck my boss."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Maybe I should proofread holy shat😭)

[freshxsturniolo]

LOOK CLOSELY. - billie eilish x femreader!

you can't help but blurt out a laugh, a bit of champagne dribbling down your chin as your friends around you spoke loudly. you were in a small restaurant after billies final show before christmas break. this has been booked for months in advance, a chance for everyone on billies team to unwind after a successful first few months of this leg of the HMHAS tour. you had never expected to become close with everyone involved, but here you were. 20+ people involved in the tour, all giggling and giddy with festive spirit and celebrations.

your friend you were chatting to was one of the sound check guys, josh, someone you had expected to become close to as your job role of stage production. you worked closely together almost every day, and would usually sit in the sound booth with him during shows.

"god, i need to lay off this champagne or this is going to be a super quick night." you say, wiping at your chin.

"you deserve it" zoe pipes up, billies best friend, and you turn to give her a hug, having not realised she had arrived.

"oh im so glad you're here. where's billie?"

you had become close to billie and her close friends. of course you had. it was hard not to when you had spent a good year with them. discussion with billie about production before tour was even announced, trialling lots of new things, being there for every soundcheck. you were practically in billies pocket, at some parts of the year. but you were super grateful for the friendship that had come from what you simply thought was going to be a huge break in your career.

as zoe pulls out of your hug, billie is close behind. a twinkle in her eye as she looks at you.

"ah! billie" you squeal, walking across and grabbing her. she smelt fresh, like she'd just got out of the shower. as you wrap your arms around her you notice her hair is still a little wet, too. you admire that about her. her natural beauty.

she giggles into your ear before you pull away.

"congratulations, my love. on a super successful first leg of the tour."

she smiles at you and takes a small bow, and you let out a cheer. billies entire team have turned around to look at you now, and you let out a laugh as billie stands tall and rolls her eyes, before laughing and hugging you again.

twice. it isn't lost on you, at all, the amount of physical touch she gave. at first you thought she was just a physical touch type of person. she was always cuddled up with her best friend zoe, or leaning her head on her brother finneas. but you had to admit, there was no other members of the team she would hug randomly. or sit close to. or wrap her arm around their shoulder. you continually palmed it off as just affection. she felt safe around you, and that made you happy.

you hugged her back, and as you pull away, someone else grabs her. she gives you a small smile before turning around, and you do the same, going back to your conversation previously.

the celebrations continue on for the next hour. you're all mingling, the champagne is continually being opened, and you have to admit you're feeling free. you've flung your jacket off somewhere on one of the abandoned chairs and you've pulled your hair into a messy bun. gone are the thoughts of trying to look cute. you had seen these people are early as 5am most mornings for the last few months and you were too happy to care. when you chug back the final gulp of your champagne and set it down, you let out a sigh before clapping your hands and heading to the bathroom. your friends are all laughing and joking behind you, and they won’t miss your company for a few minutes.

but on your way to the bathroom, eyes down on the floor, you accidentally bump into her. billie.

“woah, easy” she grins at you, and a smile spreads immediately across your face. you don’t even think as you go in to hug her.

“sorry” you utter, and she giggles in her ear.

you’re suddenly aware of how much you’ve had to drink. you weren’t a huge drinker by any means but flowing conversations and laughter meant you hadn’t realised just how many times the champagne glass had been filled. billie smells fresh as a daisy, her hair now completely dried but the lingering smell of shampoo was still there, and of course, you didn’t need to ask if she’d been drinking. she hadn’t.

“can i get you another drink?” she asks now as you pull away, but you give her a smile.

“actually, i think i’ve had too many” you admit. you weren’t drunk by a long shot, but your eyes were glistening. and there was a feeling in the pit of your stomach as you looked at billie. a feeling you had tried so hard to suppress for a very long time.

“you look like you’ve been having fun to me” she smiles at you. that feeling. again. “can i get you some water?”

you looking behind you as a loud bang suddenly rings through the bar, but it’s just somebody accidentally hitting the back of their chair into a table as they stand. everyone was definitely feeling the effects of that champagne.

when you look back at billie, her eyes look like they never left you.

“actually, yes, please. i’m just heading to the bathroom and then i’ll be with you.”

she gives you a nod and smiles, “i’ll be at the bar.” before walking past you and back into the crowd of people.

making your way to the bathroom, you let out a deep sigh as you shut the door behind you. luckily, the room wasn’t spinning yet, and if you could just get a couple glasses of water in your system then maybe you could push back this ever growing feeling inside of you every time you looked at billie.

doing your business and washing your hands, it doesn’t get past you that you automatically take out your hair and give it a brush with your fingers, readjusting your bra so your cleavage sits a little higher. and god, you were trying not to think about the fact billie has absolutely noticed. she’s at the bar, as she said she would be, her ringed finger running a rim around her glass as she waits for you to arrive. you see her eyes glint, before she looks back at your face like nothing had happened and holds up your glass of water.

"for you" she makes a small bow, and you let out a laugh.

"thank you. im going to call it a night soon." you let out a sigh of relief as the water hits your throat.

"you deserve to enjoy yourself, you know" billie smiles now as you finally sit down on the stool next to her. she was still standing, assuming you were going to go back to your huge group of friends behind you, but when she sees you sit down she quickly joins you.

"as do you" you smile, and she lets out a chuckle. "im serious, billie. what an incredible year you've had. i hope your christmas break is magical. it deserves to be."

billies cheeks flush red, even though she knows deep down how true your words ring. she was a modest and sometimes needed reminding just how incredible her achievements where.

"thank you. with the help of you lot" she smiles now, nodding her head behind you. you don't even look, you simply roll your eyes and pick up your glass of water again.

"take the compliment, eilish." you chuckle, and she laughs now. her teeth on full show, her cheeks reddening. but when you both stop laughing, she's staring behind you, you can't help but spin around too, your eyes automatically landing on your friend josh. he gives you a wave, and you smile and wave back.

but you hear billies intake of breath.

when you turn around, shes staring right at you.

"he's lovely, isn't he?" she asks, but you can see her eyes have dimmed. her classic billie eilish stare. one she didn't realise she used a lot. especially when she was deep in thought.

"yeah" you say. "he's become a great friend this tour." you admit.

billie nods. "friend?"

you almost snort. "yes. oh god, does it look like theres anything else going on between us?"

billie shrugs. "no. i was just curious."

you let out a giggle, hand coming over your mouth for a second. but in doing so you watch as billies hands go into her deep pockets of the jacket she's wearing, and she pulls something out.

a box. black with red ribbon.

"so i could give you this." she says. a continuation to her last words. you stop everything you're doing. your breath falls short as your eyes stare at the box in her hand, her soft smooth hands you've held many times as her friend, her rings glistening under the light of the bar. your eyes travel to her face, where you notice she's leant in closer.

"bill-"

"take it." she says. "please."

your eyes scan down to the box. "we all agreed we weren't doing presents." you say. eyes back to her as you finally reach out, taking the box from her hand. her fingers brush against yours.

but billie just shrugs, going to stand herself up.

"don't you want me to open it?" you say, looking down at the beautiful box in your hand before you look up at her again. she's off her stool now, directly in front of you. she could have swung it round to get off the other side but she didn't, she's directly in front of you and you'll have to move your legs for her to get herself out.

but billie smiles, her hand comes to the back of your stool and she twists it. your knees brushing against her thighs as you spin so you're fully facing the bar. your ear in perfection position now for her mouth. she leans forward slightly.

"open it. i'll be leaving in 10 minutes."

and then she's gone. you spin your stool back around to speak, but she's already been grabbed by someone else. she's laughing as you watch as she adjusts the cap on her head, she had it on backwards but she pulls it forward now. you let your eyes scan the room. no ones looking at you. no one notices you alone.

so you spin back around, the box still in your hand. you turn the tag over in your hand and your heart starts to beat.

"look closely- billie"

you take a sip of your water with shaky hands, before you finally open the box.

a necklace. the most beautiful necklace you've ever seen. silver chain, thick, a necklace to be wore as a set with others. which was perfect. you could already envision it on your neck with the smaller more dainty necklace you were currently wearing. with a heart pendant. you can’t help but let out a small gasp. your heart was hammering in your throat at this point. but she had told you to look closely. you bring the box up to your face, searching, twisting it in the light to get a better look. and then you see it. just glinting off the lights but now you know it’s there, when you pull it back you can see it so clearly.

be

her initials. carved in the corner.

you feel sick. oh it was happening. all the thoughts you had tried to suppress over the year. convincing yourself there was no way on planet eatth you’d fallen in love with, essentially, your boss. you had tried to pretend the friendship you had gained was normal. that it wasn’t strange for you to become so close. that her lingering touches, the way you always sat so close together was simply just normal. but my god it wasn’t. you were in love with her. you were absolutely in love with billie eilish.

you slam the box shut. standing from your stool immediately. you’re suddenly more sober than you’ve ever been, the adrenaline taking over your body. you take the last sip of water before walking back over to the table you were gathered around previously, your jacket coming into view immediately. you need air. you needed to wait.

your friends shout your name, and you can see her. from the corner of your eye you see her stood with zoe not far away, her eyes following the chorus of your name. you let out a chuckle to your friends.

“i’m going to head off” you say, grabbing your jacket. a chorus of boos follow but you only laugh. you’re holding the box so tightly in your hand but no body notices as you make your way around the table to say goodbye. you’re not going to be able to say goodbye to everyone, but it’s fine. you’ll drop the rest of the group a message tomorrow. tell them you felt unwell and needed to rush off. the way you were chugging back champagne just 10 minutes ago, you could play the hangover card for sure. upon saying goodbye to josh finally, you grab your jacket and sling it over your arm. you're too hot to put it back on.

"how are you getting home?"

you're not going home. but you smile. "i'll order an uber when i get outside. i just need some air."

but your eyes scan to billie. she's staring straight at you, a glint of worry in her eyes. but you look away.

"do you want me to wait with you?" josh offers, but you shake your head.

"no, its fine. i'll be okay. thank you"

you give him one final hug, telling him you'll message him in the morning, and you turn on your heel, eyes straight for the front door. luckily, no one else notices your swift exit.

no one but billie.

the fresh air hits you immediately, and a sigh releases from your lips as you take it in. theres christmas lights all around you and into the street beyond. but you're not going anywhere.

it took her just seconds to follow you outside.

"y/n" you hear her voice. her soft, gentle, voice.

you smile as you turn around. her face looks nervous, her cheeks are a little flushed, but when she sees you smile, you dont mistake the small sigh of relief that escapes her lips. her eyes travel down to the box in your hand, whilst your travels to her neck. and you see it. she's wearing the exact replica. you hadn't noticed it before now. but billie clearly sees you looking, and her hands come to the heart pendant.

"come take a closer look" she says, her voice bringing your eyes back to her. your smile drops. you suddenly feel sick. but you step close to her. you're right outside the door of the bar and you're beyond aware that any of your friends and billies team could walk outside right now and stagger into the pair of you but you can't stop yourself. you're face to face, her blue eyes shining with the reflection of the christmas lights. she smiles before she tips her head back slightly, giving you easier access to her neck. goosebumps have formed all over it in the short few seconds she's been outside. but you reach forward, your cold hand grabbing the cold heart pendant, and you see it. there. carved in the corner. your initials. you see her throat bop as she swallows in air, and your eyes travel immedately to hers. she's looking at the christmas lights, waiting. waiting for you to say something.

"what does this mean, billie?"

her eyes look at you first. her head staying pushed back slightly. your hands are still on her necklace. but she smiles, head coming forward now. her chin brushes your hand.

"do i need to spell it out?" she says, and then its happening. she takes your hand, the one holding the pendant. her fingers entwine with yours as she slowly removes them from her neck line and places both your hands at her side. and then she tugs you, and you can't wait a second longer.

your lips crash on hers. you've startled her, you know you have. you can tell by the way she stumbles back slightly and doesn't kiss you back straight away, but then she smirks. and before you know it her hands are in your hair, your hands are on her neck, you're both pushing for a sense of dominance and need for each other. like a years worth of pent up emotion was finally coming out.

but its you that pulled away first, both gasping for air.

“tell me” you whisper, as billie looks at you with a smirk. she pulls her eyes down and her eyebrows up, to question you. but a chuckle escapes her.

"tell you what? that we've both tried to deny whats actually happening here. that i've tried to convince myself that you're just a pretty girl with a big heart and that you're a great friend? when really I'm absolutely and utterly falling in love with you more and more everyday? tell you that i've been scared to say anything, scared you don't feel the same, scared you're not even into women that way. so instead i tried to convince myself that having you as my friend was enough?"

"billie" you whisper, your heart warming like it had never done before. all those thoughts, those feelings, everything you've ever tried to dim down and pretend where there, they bubble to the surface immediately.

but she leans forward again, catching your lips with hers. but this time its soft. gentle. reassuring.

when you pull away, you finally find words.

"why the gift? why now?" you ask. you needed to be sure. you needed to be sure before you opened your heart to her. this was new and scary and terrifying and exciting all in one. she smiles.

"well, it would be the cherry on top of one of the best years of my life. why not end it with a special girl?"

and you melt. there and then. you squeal, wrapping your arms around her neck. her shampoo hitting your nostrils like a comfort blanket. she grabs your waist, sliding her arms around your back and pulls you in closer.

"im going to assume this means you feel the same way?" she says in your ear.

you can't help but chuckle, pulling away and placing your hands on her shoulder.

"i've been in love with you since day one, eilish."

she groans. she actually groans.

"come here" she says, her hands coming to your face as she pulls you in for another kiss. her soft lips, so plump and warm from the kisses just before. you can't help but giggle into her. and then shes giggling too. and you feel so happy.

"god. i never thought this would happen." you say, eyes closed as your foreheads rest together.

"me either." she whispers.

you open your eyes now and pull back.

"now what?" you ask.

she smiles, grabbing your hand and pulling out her car keys.

"im taking you home, babygirl."

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM POPULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS *  assorted dialogue from christmas songs, some lines adjusted to suit a roleplay format, adjust as necessary

i don't want a lot for christmas.

i don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree.

make my wish come true.

i just want you for my own.

what more can i do?

i gave you my heart.

i keep my distance, but you still catch my eye.

do you recognize me?

it's been a year.

i love you, i meant it.

i'll give it to someone special.

i'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.

i thought you were someone to rely on.

me? i guess i was a shoulder to cry on.

you tore me apart.

you'll never fool me again.

later we'll have some pumpkin pie.

have a happy holiday.

tell me if you're really there.

don't make me fall in love again.

it's hard to focus when i see him walking across the room.

it's hard to tell if this is just a fling.

it's the right time to rock the night away.

it just wasn't the same.

doesn't mean a thing if you're not holding me tight.

i'm gonna hold you close.

i was lost before you.

christmas was cold anad gray.

one day, everything changed.

you're all i need.

it's the best time of the year.

i don't know if there'll be snow.

the mistletoe is hung where you can see.

somebody waits for you.

are you listening?

we're happy tonight.

are you married?

you can do the job when you're in town.

later on, we'll conspire.

merry christmas to you.

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

let's take the road before us.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.

there's a tree in the grand hotel.

soon the bells will start.

the snow's coming down.

baby, please come home.

i remember when you were here.

the weather outside is frightful.

the fire is so delightful.

it doesn't show signs of stopping.

the lights are turned way down low.

i'll hate going out in the storm.

the fire is slowly dying.

my baby's gone.

i have no friends.

please come home for christmas.

from now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

through the years, we all will be together.

the mood is right.

we're simply having a wonderful christmas time.

i wanna thank you, baby.

you make it feel like christmas.

my heart skilled, and i reacted.

can't believe that this is happening.

i swear you saved my life.

there's no need to be afraid.

we can spread a smile of joy.

there's a world outside your window.

i close my eyes, and i'm somewhere else.

i just wanna be t here tonight.

just being in your arms takes me back to that little farm.

may your days be merry and bright.

you guys know what time of year it is?

what have you done?

i hope you had fun.

i'll have a blue christmas without you.

i know exactly what i want this year.

i want my baby.

i have been so good this year.

tell me my true love is here.

[writetheidea]

Behind Closed Doors

Hello, I am sorry for disappearing. As I mentioned to a few kind people who reached out, I’ve been focused on completing my degree and working on my thesis. This is a bit shorter than what I usually write, but it came to me in between working on my thesis. I hope you can enjoy it regardless. Also, I thought I’d try taking requests for writing. There are no guarantees, but if you’d like to request a story, my asks are open.

Pairing: Carlos Sainz x female character

Plot: after six months of keeping their relationship a secret, Carlos' girlfriend finally confronts him about it.

Tag: hurt/no comfort, angst.

Word count: 1372

Disclaimers: english is not my first language - I feel like you could tell from my writing style — so I apologize if some of the sentences structures are off, or if I use outdated or inappropriate-for-the-context words, I used a synonym dictionary to try and stop myself from repeating the same words, I still did do that though.

The sun hung low over the Ferrari motorhome, casting a warm, golden glow that made the chaos of the day seem almost serene. She leaned against a railing just outside the hospitality area, clipboard in hand, pretending to focus on the notes she’d scrawled there earlier. The usual buzz of voices and machinery filled the air, but her mind was far from the work at hand.  

Across the paddock, Carlos Sainz walked toward the motorhome, his helmet tucked under one arm, his dark hair messy from hours in the car. He laughed at something one of the engineers said, his easy charm lighting up the space around him. She watched him, her chest tightening. Six months ago, seeing him like this had filled her with excitement, the kind that made her feel alive. Now, it only brought confusion and doubt.  

It hadn’t always been like this.  

They’d met at a company dinner just weeks after she’d started as a marketing intern for Ferrari. Nervous and wide-eyed, she’d been acutely aware of how out of place she felt in a room full of confident, successful people. Carlos had been seated across from her, and his easy smile had melted her nerves in minutes. He’d asked questions, listened intently, and made her laugh so much that by the end of the night, she felt more at ease than she had in weeks.  

After that, their interactions became more frequent—shared smiles in the hallway, casual conversations during coffee breaks, and eventually, a night where he cornered her after a meeting.  

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he’d said, his voice low and sincere. “Can we go to dinner? Somewhere... away from here.”  

It had felt like the beginning of something extraordinary. And for a while, it was. Late-night calls where they shared their dreams and fears, secret dates where they laughed until their cheeks hurt, and stolen moments that felt like they were the only two people in the world. But it was always in secret.  

At first, she’d understood. Carlos was a public figure, and their relationship was new. But six months later, it was clear that secrecy wasn’t just a precaution—it was a boundary he had no intention of crossing.  

-----

The argument started in her apartment, a modest but cozy space that she’d come to think of as her sanctuary. Carlos had let himself in with the spare key she’d given him months ago, greeting her with a kiss that made her heart flutter despite her frustrations. He asked her about her day, but she barely heard him. The weight on her chest was too heavy to ignore.  

“Carlos,” she said, interrupting his story about a meeting with the engineers.  

He paused mid-sentence, sensing her seriousness. “What’s wrong?”  

She hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “I need to talk to you about us.”  

His brows knitted, concern flashing across his face. “What about us?”  

She exhaled deeply, setting her clipboard on the coffee table. “I can’t keep doing this. The sneaking around, the hiding. It’s exhausting, Carlos.”  

His expression shifted to something guarded, his hand running through his hair. “We’ve talked about this,” he said slowly. “You know why we have to be careful.”  

“Careful?” she repeated, her voice rising. “It’s been six months, Carlos. Six months, and no one knows. Not Ferrari, not your family, not even your closest friends. Do you know how that makes me feel?”  

“I’m trying to protect you,” he said firmly.  

“From what?” she shot back, standing now. “From Ferrari? I could find another job if that’s what it takes. But this isn’t about Ferrari, is it? It’s about you.”  

He flinched, but his jaw tightened. “You don’t understand the scrutiny. The media, the fans—they’d tear you apart. And if Ferrari disapproved—”  

“What? They’d fire me? Fine. But let’s not pretend this is about me, Carlos. You’re ashamed of me, aren’t you?”  

His eyes widened in shock, but he didn’t deny it. The silence between them was deafening.  

Her voice cracked as she continued, “You won’t even tell your family. Why? Are you afraid they’ll think I’m not good enough because I’m not from your world?”  

He hesitated, searching for words, but they didn’t come fast enough.  

Her heart broke as realization dawned. “That’s it, isn’t it?” she whispered. “You think I’m not enough.”  

“No,” he said quickly, stepping toward her. “That’s not it. I care about you—”  

“Then prove it!” she snapped, tears welling in her eyes. “Because right now, it feels like you’re embarrassed of me. Like you’d rather lose me than risk anyone knowing we’re together.”  

“I’m trying to protect you!” he said again, louder this time. “You don’t know what it’s like to live under this kind of scrutiny. People like you—”  

He stopped, but the words were already out there.  

Her breath caught. “People like me?” she repeated, her voice trembling.  

“No, I didn’t mean it like that—”  

“Then what did you mean?” she demanded, her voice rising.  

He faltered, running a hand down his face. “You don’t understand the pressure I’m under.”  

“You’re right,” she said, her tone cold now. “I don’t. But I do understand this: I deserve someone who isn’t afraid to love me openly. And clearly, that isn’t you. You should go, Carlos.”

He hesitated for a moment, as if he wanted to argue, but the look on her face left no room for debate. Without another word, he turned and walked out, the door closing behind him with a finality that echoed in her chest. 

-----

The next three weeks were a blur of work and heartbreak. She avoided every Ferrari event she could, claiming to be overwhelmed with deadlines. But the truth was, she couldn’t face Carlos or the memories of what they’d had.  

Then, one morning, her phone buzzed with a notification. She opened Instagram and froze. There he was, arm wrapped around a gorgeous model at a gala, both of them dressed to perfection. The caption read: “New beginnings.”  

Her chest tightened, tears stinging her eyes. He hadn’t just moved on; he’d moved on publicly, with someone who fit seamlessly into his world. Someone he wasn’t afraid to be seen with.  

Before she could stop herself, she typed a message and hit send.  

“I never would have been enough, would I?”  

She stared at the screen, her hands trembling. Part of her hoped he wouldn’t respond. Another part of her hoped he would, with something—anything—that might ease the ache in her chest. But no reply came.  

That night, she made a decision. Ferrari wasn’t just her job anymore; it was a constant reminder of him. She drafted her resignation letter, citing “personal reasons,” and sent it to HR. By the end of the week, she had accepted a job offer from Red Bull.  

It was a clean break.  

-----

Months later, she thrived at Red Bull, her confidence and passion for her work reignited. She had new projects, new colleagues, and a new sense of self-worth. For the first time in months, she felt like she was moving forward.  

But healing wasn’t linear. Every so often, she’d see his face on a screen or hear his name in a briefing, and the ache would return.  

Then, during a race weekend, their paths crossed again. She was walking through the paddock when she spotted him. He was with the same model, his arm casually draped around her shoulders. Their eyes met briefly, and for a moment, she thought she saw regret in his expression. But she turned away, holding her head high.  

She didn’t need him anymore.  

Later that evening, her phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number.  

“I’m sorry. For everything.”  

She stared at the message, her emotions swirling. She could reply. She could open that door again. But then she thought of the months she’d spent rebuilding herself, of the strength she’d found in letting go.  

With a steady hand, she deleted the message.  

As she walked through the paddock the next day, the sun shining brightly overhead, she felt lighter. She wasn’t defined by Carlos, or by the heartbreak he’d caused. She was her own person, and her future was hers to shape.

For the first time in a long time, she smiled.

[numinousher]

“This is nice.”

You and Jungkook, after having gone on a ride, ended up on this hill that oversaw the city.

You two were leaning against his bike, his phone playing his r&b playlist that he said he liked listening to during nights like these. He was smoking and he had even asked permission—much to your surprise—if he could do so. With a nod of confirmation, he relaxed even more, in his element, as he blew out smoke from his lips.

“It is, huh?” He asked. “I usually come here to think. I found it after I got pissed at my job and needed to go somewhere. Sienna made me lose my fucking brain.”

You snort in agreement. “It’s a nice place, though. This will be something you’ll have to yourself now.”

“Well… and with you.”

“Why, I feel so honored.” You sweetly smiled. He rolled his eyes rather playfully and looked ahead towards the scenery of the twinkling stars and the buildings. You stayed silent before you said something he was feeling. “I’m not ready for them to move back, you know…?”

Jungkook sighed, digging his hand into his pocket while the other held the cigarette between his pointer and middle finger.

“Me neither,” he admitted with a breathy tone. He blew out smoke. “I just… I’m so fucking hurt still. I can’t even. I want to just smack the shit out of Jong-seok for both me and you.”

“And I’ll hit Sienna for both of us.”

He smiled a little. “Don’t do that, idiot. You’ll hurt your hands.” He looked away as he grinned in amusement at your scoff of surprise. He took another hit.

“My hands can handle it.”

“I didn’t say they couldn’t,” he chuckled. You rolled your eyes and huffed, crossing your arms. You grumbled under your breath, clearly defending yourself. “Just don’t want Sienna’s filth on your hands. What if you get infected?”

“With what?”

“The disease of cheating,” he answered in such a serious tone you acknowledged and remembered his humor was much more different than yours. He had a dry humor, sometimes dark, but he tried to crack a smile sometimes so people could see he was kidding. You got used to it in the few weeks together, you could only let out a snort of laughter now. “I’m being serious! What if you cheat on me with another roommate huh? Are you going to give another person’s roommate the cookies you bake for me? Who knows.”

You smile. “You know, I can never betray you like that. You’re the only one who can handle me crying at a movie I’ve watched 7 times a day sometimes.”

“6,” he corrected, dozing off, clearly not meaning to let that out. “Anyway, we need to let those two assholes realize that we’re fine.”

“How? They’ve seen our twitters at this point and our instagram stories.” You scoffed as you remembered what Jungkook had told you. “I can’t believe Sienna is still stalking your account.”

“I dicked her down good that’s why, she can’t stop thinking about me,” he muttered, blowing out smoke. You scrunch your nose in disgust before a horrified look crosses your face.

“Jungkook.”

“What?”

“We’re going to hear them fucking, dude,” you dramatically whispered out as if someone were hearing in the bushes—there was no one. “What the hell?”

“Then we’ll pretend we’re fucking but we’ll do it louder,” he said as if what he said wasn’t absurd. You let out a loud ‘huh?’ as you processed his words and his calm nature. “What?”

“We are going to pretend?”

He nodded and let his hand with the cigarette rest on his lap. “Yeah, we’ll pretend, princess. No, matter of fact, why don’t we pretend like we’re fucking dating? Those assholes think we’re affected, like we’re moping after them—”

“We are…” you commented, though it fell to deaf ears as Jungkook continued to think while you thought about the nickname he gave you.

“We can’t give them that satisfaction,” he scoffed out, more determined. “At all. They cheated on us and they get to be all happy? Hell, no. So, we’re going to pretend to be a couple for tomorrow while they show up because one thing they will do is show off.”

You bit your lip. “I don’t know… I'm a terrible liar. I can’t lie and I don’t know if Jongseok will remember the tell I have that always reveals I’m lying...”

“What is it?”

“I scratch the tip of my nose,” you mumble.

“I’ll just grab your hand,” Jungkook said as if it was the easiest thing. Maybe you were only overthinking it because that’s what you were good at, but you’re afraid Jongseok will see through you. “Listen… Do you want them to think we’re miserable?”

You shake your head. “No.”

“Look, fake dating isn’t going to be where I do things without your consent and where I play around with your feelings,” Jungkook clarified. “I’m not that type of person, I don’t play around and fuck up. Fake dating will be us just… putting on a show for them. I’ll do things at your pace and I’ll respect you.”

“Are we really doing this?”

“That’s what friends are for and we’re just helping each other.”

He stepped on his cigarette as you gasped dramatically, fanning your eyes as if you were crying.

“I just got called a friend.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You softie!”

He scoffed. He turned to you. “Since we’re doing this… we need a safe word just in case you don’t want to do this anymore or if I don’t want do this.”

You nodded in agreement.

“What should it be?”

“2.”

“Why?” You frowned, confused at the random number.

“Your account,” he answered. “It has a 2 in it.”

“You think about me so much, I live in your head rent free,” you chuckled, shaking back his hand. He gripped your hand a little tighter before he let go. “But, are you sure this is a good idea?”

He hummed. “We’ll be okay. You can be annoying sometimes but… you’re not that bad.”

“Aw, thank you!”

He shook his head with an amused smile before sticking out his hand. “Come on… let’s go on a little walk.”

“In the dark?” You exclaimed.

“Come on, princess.”

2U⭑.ᐟ ── O1O. safe word

BEFORE MASTERLIST AFTER

NOTE: im not late updating you are

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[karasdollhouse]

My darling doll

I want you to read these words slowly, like i was speaking them to you

Very good. I want you to imagine a sphere going side to side over your head. Imaging that orb It is coming down, slowly slowly down until it stops in front of your eyes... and it starts to swing.

Back... and forth....

Back... and forth...

Back and forth...

And, with every swing, you become more and more relaxed...

Back... and forth...

Focus on that energy... swinging Back and Forth...

Back and Forth...

Very good. You are becoming more and more relaxed as it swings... back and forth...

Very good...

Your eyes start to relax... as it swings... back and forth... and as you keep reading this words... it keeps swinging back and forth...

Breathe in

Hold it for a moment, savor it And breathe out It felt nice, right?

That's because it feels so good to relax

To breathe in And breathe out

Just like that

Such a good doll

Already taking those nice, deep breathes Breathing in And out

Just like you're told, very good

So just keep taking those nice deep breathes for me

That's right

And feel your body relax more and more with each and every breath

Feel how easy it is to just relax

To let go

Such a good doll

Breathing nice and deep just like I told you to Already so obedient

Feeling your body relax with each and every breath

And now with every breath you take, you feel your mind relaxing as well

That's right

You feel your eyes relaxing as it swings back ano forth, as your breathing gets slowly and shallow...

That relaxation spreads to every muscle of your face... and you Relax Even More with every swing...

That relaxation is accumulating, drop by drop, in your forehead... with every swing, a new dron And that energy keeps swinging... back anc v forth...

You feel that relaxation accumulating in your forehead... and enteeing slowly in your mind...

Drop by drop...

Swing by swing...

You are becoming more and more relaxed...

Very good...

And that energy starts entering you...

It is in your toes...

It is in your legs...

And, as that energy touches you... your skin turns into plastic....

It is in you tummy... turning it into plastic...

It creeps up to Your chest turning it into plastic as well

You feel the warmth spreading up from your core now, going down your arms and slowly inching up your neck

Just MELTing away your thoughts

Until you're nothing but my doll

To want to be played with.

To be stuck inside your body and feel that lovely empty-headedness.

With any emotions and actions all coming from the outside.

This blank, mindless, stare into nothingness.

When you're not being used.

Just a wonderful stillness.

An emptiness that begins somewhere in the back of your mind and seems to spread all over.

Now I know that you would probably enjoy it a lot if I gave you a trigger that turns you into a doll.

It could be very simple.

Just one "MELT" and a snap, and you'd be.... doll.

You can almost feel that wonderful change in your mind.

Slowing down.

Switching off your thoughts.

Your body returning to an empty, still pose.

Somewhat freezing in place.

But more gently than before.

And if I wanted to wake your mind up again, I could simply tell you to be... human.

Now what's also interesting is that the more you do it, the more aware you become of the difference between the two.

The incredible stillness and quietness as a doll.

The sense of individuality as a human.

The feeling of wanting to be played with as a doll

When you MELT into a doll your mind switches off rapidly.

Your body follows quickly.

Stopping movements that aren't needed anymore.

Blank expression.

Empty stare.

And of course, all the sensations that spread deep inside when you realize that you're being transformed into a doll so easily.

Like many people, I'm sure that some wonderful warmth spreads through your body once you turn into a doll.

And the more you feel that warmth, the more you experience it, the more aware you become of the complete inability to do anything about it.

Your hands can't be used to satisfy yourself right now.

Your legs are unable to stimulate the parts of you that really want it.

In a way, when you turn back into a human, those feelings fade with it.

While you are a still, mindless doll, you can enjoy

The more mindless and blank you become. that blissfully blank state of nothingness.

The sweet sensation spreading deep inside.

Wanting to be played with.

As you are unable to play with yourself.

Maybe you'll be dressed up.

Or placed in a scene to do whatever Mistress wants.

And in all of it, you can feel that deep warmth.

That wanting.

To be used.

To be teased.

To be played with.

Maybe even hoping that they will tell you to play with yourself.

Like a mindless wind-up doll.

Moving and masturbating to their command.

Not right now, of course.

I am just teasing a blank doll.

An empty canvas that can be colored in many ways.

noticing the frustrating inside of you every time you turn back.

Because being a doll is so much nicer.

Being a mindless, blank thing to be played with.

So much more fun.

Wouldn't it be nicer if I just said the word again?

Allowing you to become the blank doll that you want to be?

In fact, you wanted it so badly, that you wanted to transform before the command was even given.

Aching for it.

Anticipating it.

Wanting it so much.

And yet, it is far from over.

Because every time you are turned into a doll, the desire grows exponentially.

MELT

Feeling the wonderful stillness of your body.

And the inability to move amplifying the desire and arousal all the more.

It's as if every iteration increases the pleasure.

MELT

And you're such a good doll.

Good dolls do as they're told.

Good dolls get rewarded, played with.

Maybe even put into a pretty box, only to be retrieved again.

Such a good doll.

While outwardly there is almost no emotion or thought, deep inside there is a delicious drive.

A wonderful heat and arousal that spreads with every invisible breath.

And maybe it'll be fun to place this doll somewhere where they can see something

And you're such a good doll.

Good dolls do as they're told.

Good dolls get rewarded, played with.

Maybe even put into a pretty box, only to be retrieved again.

Such a good doll.

While outwardly there is almost no emotion or thought, deep inside there is a delicious drive.

A wonderful heat and arousal that spreads with every invisible breath.

And maybe it'll be fun to place this doll somewhere where they can see something naughty.

Without being able to touch or participate unless told to.

Just a good little puppy doll for mistress to play with

Because I am your owner

I made you

And only I can MELT you

MELT takes you back into this trance And brings you ten times deeper

Every time I use MELT

Ten times deeper down

Even now

MELT

And ten times deeper down you go

Good doll

Verv good doll

Now I'm going to count down from 5 to O and when I reach the end, you will wake up feeling refreshed and relaxed

5... slowly coming to now

4... rising up from this deep trance

3... feeling so good and relaxed

2... nice and obedient

1... you did so well

O... and fully awake now

[zarnzarn]

Random odypenath thought that I had today and needed to share.

Imagine this: Athena and Ody showing Penelope how they used to spar when training Odysseus, they spar a few times and times and Athena wins all of them, because duh, she's a goddess.

And Athena despite denying a lot is quite prideful, so she gloats a little saying that in over their 30 years of sparing Odysseus never once managed to beat her.

But we all know Ody is a little shit a heart, so he asks for another spar with her, to which she agrees without questions. Everything is going normally and Athena has him immobilized, she's ready to say that she won again, but then Odysseus suddenly kisses her.

It's nothing more than a quick peck, but this surprises Athena so much that she lets down her weapon and ends up letting Ody destabilize her making her fall down, giving Odysseus his first win against his teacher.

Athena's first instinct after falling is to look for Penelope, but to her surprise the woman isn't upset by the fact that her husband just kissed another person, she actually looks quite happy hiding her smile behind her hands.

"I won my love!" Odysseus says with the joyfulness of a child, practically jumping in the arms of his wife.

and Athena gets up and her mind still isn't quite sure if she's supposed to be flustered or annoyed.

And Odysseus just replies with his voice dripping with smugness that Athena herself had taught him that there wasn't such a thing as dirty tricks in a fight and that every tactic is valid if it helps you win a battle.

And Athena tries to argue against that, but she ends up lost for words because sadly she taught her little warrior of the mind too well and his argument was very solid. She ends up just huffing and saying that that was enough training for the day and she turns around to go back inside the palace. Odysseus and Penelope laugh themselves silly at their goddess's embarrassment, but nonetheless, they follow her inside.

Many hours later back at her palace on Olympus Athena freak out realizing that that was her first kiss and that oh my gods Odysseus had just taken her first kiss.

Anyway that was a lot of rambling that I probably won't manage to write into an actual fanfiction but I wanted the CEO of the odypenath fanbase to know

HI HELLO DANTSEM THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS WONDERFUL IDEA HAS BEEN ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD FOR AGESSS!!!!! sorry it took so long to answer my friend, I was tumbling it like a stone in my mind until it was perfect and shiny.

THIS IS SO. SO TRUE. OH MY GOD. even just odysseus and Athena sparring would be so cool after some 30 years of dirty tricks and training and fighting; all fancy footwork and fast attacks and smirks that have Penelope crossing her legs.

and of COURSE Athena cackles when he goes down- he learnt his trashtalk from somewhere after all- teasing him about how not even one win after all these years must SO grating, that it was kind of sad he hadn't even bested her ONCE.

penelope, because she is a rat, immediately goes oooooh while odysseus' mouth drops slowly open in offended shock, but still curled into a half-smile almost against his will. their eyes crinkle with their mirth even as Athena raises an eyebrow in challenge, because this is as known to them as breathing; not once had she ever mocked him without him springing to his feet and retaliating immediately.

(i imagine this is the first time they're acting this comfy again after the return; they were still tiptoeing around each other a bit emotionally till then but blood pumping + familiar ground of fighting means they're both open)

and he snaps up and swings out at her and athena parries with an amused, lazy smirk, that Penelope's husband matches with a wild blaze of teeth-

she's having the time of her life btw. Spartan culture still has its grip on her and seeing them fight, she is just. dying of lust on the side. dying, truly. between her husband keeping up with a goddess and the war goddess fighting on mortal soil at full power... poor woman's about to pass out from the heat.

they both get a good fight, spears knocked away and both of them reduced to a mad wrestle on the ground- but eventually, he grabs the wrong arm and she manages to pin him down, hands crossed and pulled in opposite directions, knee in the stomach.

she barely has time to grin in victory, ready to gloat, before his eyes flash with that spark of mischief she knows well and he's leaned up to press their mouths together.

she's so shocked that she barely registers movement until there's a foot in her abdomen and the world is upside down for a few odd seconds, eating dirt and then landing hard on her back, making her grunt.

"HA!" Odysseus shouts, eyes shining with victory and grinning wider than she'd ever seen him, pressing down his knees on her shoulders for three seconds before letting go with a whoop and running off so fast athena's left gawping at the empty sky, breath knocked out of her, cheeks burning. Her mouth is open in affront, at the blasphemy, at the fucking audacity- "Penelope, holy fuck, did you see that?"

Athena jerks at the queen's name and rolls up on one elbow, a mixed bag of furious on Penelope's behalf, a need for a commiserative do you fucking see this shit, and an odd need to start apologizing frantically, even though she did nothing.

But Penelope has her hands on her knees for support and is laughing behind one hand, face lined with mirth as her husband dances around her, hooting and hollering like he would have if he'd beaten her when he was twelve-

Athena's brain finally resumes its motions and she pushes herself off the ground with a scoff of disbelief, mouth still open. Her chest burns with a confusing cluster of emotions, now that the initial response to look for Penelope's reaction seems to be... unnecessary. Doesn't know whether to start shouting or lie back down and let Gaia take her out of embarrassment.

"I cannot believe you," She says finally. "I should set Diomedes on you."

Odysseus laughs and looks at her, eyes clear as he hangs off his wife. "Your top student, Athena, lover of clever strategies. No such thing as a dirty tactic, remember? I beat you, fair and square."

"Hah, please," She says automatically, waving him off, even as her chest pangs with something she's never felt before. "Not a person alive would call that a win."

She has never had a student best her. Not once. She has to swallow against a lump in her throat, eyes burning oddly even as she pastes on a teasing smile.

"-in fact, I have it written down, the merits of a good distraction, because you insisted-"

Athena makes the mistake of turning to glance to the side as she brushes herself off. Her heart skips a beat when she catches Penelope's gaze staring right back at her, no longer with the placidly uncaring look of earlier- eyes dark and expression calculating.

And then- Penelope smirks, small and dangerous, and raises an eyebrow. You liked it, didn't you?

"Training is over for today," She says, walking away quickly to the sound of laughter, and is subsequently heckled all the way back to the palace, the both of them cackling behind her all the way.

-

Later, she sits on her bed, getting all the way to taking off her armour and lying down, when the memory slams into her with full force, lips burning.

Her eye twitches. Her stupid fucking champion's idiot face swirls into mind, grinning like a maniac for finally having bested her and she snarls. She has no idea how to feel. Pride It was a good fucking tactic, too, which just makes her more annoyed.

Athena takes a deep breath in and out. Reaches for the nearest pillow.

The entire pantheon still wakes up when she screams.

-

"Why the fuck did I do that?" Odysseus says for the thousandth time, staring up at the ceiling with haunted eyes.

Penelope grunts unhelpfully next to him, almost asleep.

"She's going to get her bearings tomorrow and kill me," He says fatalistically. "Pallas Athena is going to beat me to death in a rage, because I am the stupidest creature alive, and- Penelope. Penelope. I kissed her."

"I know. Sleep."

"I'm not a dog!" Odysseus protests. "And aren't you listening? I kissed Athena."

"She won't do anything," Penelope rasps, moving closer and draping one arm across his chest. "Also I know. I was there. You have not shut up about it since she left."

Odysseus groans and pushes his palms into his eyes. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"Honestly, I wanted to see if you had the guts," Penelope says, hiding a smile in his shoulder as he looks over to glare at her. "And I say this with love, sweetheart, but everyone has been waiting for this for ages. In fact, I have bets to collect tomorrow, do remind me."

Odysseus sputters. "Who 'everyone'?" He demands.

"Telemachus, for one," Penelope yawns. "And probably every being with a trickle of divinity in them and a couple thousand without-"

"TELEMACHUS?" Odysseus sits up, so incredibly offended that she chokes on her yawn and wakes up a bit more to laugh at it. "MY SON? HER STUDENT? MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD-"

"He actually thought you two already were, I think," Penelope muses, tucking her hands behind her head. "He already knew how she stood in as my husband when times got... tough, during Troy. And the champions frequented our halls often at the start, and had many irritated anecdotes of how Pallas Athena absolutely doted on you, whispering wisdom and cheating in your fights so that you won."

"Doted?" Odysseus gawps at her. His cheeks are red. "As if, half the time she was yelling at me-"

"-And how she was cold and distant with her stewards, but always had time for her favourite-"

"I wasn't her favourite!" Odysseus protests, even as his voice cracks a bit in the middle, some small part of him still stuck in the moment where she had tossed him aside over that first slight against her will, that had grown roots believing all those years after that she had never looked back, and gone on to other students, other champions.

"Are you embarrassed?" Penelope laughs, pushing herself up. "Odysseus, come on, there is absolutely no way you do not know! I've heard all the stories of Troy and how much she did for you- Do you think interfering this much is the norm for gods? Would any patron stand up to Zeus in their favour? Would anyone know their champion's preferred fruit? That goddess is gone for you, take it from me and all her other incredibly jealous followers. Anyone with eyes can see it."

Odysseus frowns, feeling uneasy about the picture she paints, how any other woman would take it. "Penelope, I'm sorry if- you- there's nothing-"

"Ah, yes, how woeful that I don't the troubles of a normal wife with a husband blessed by a god," Penelope snarks. "Would have to deal with the incredibly cruel fate of watching my incredibly attractive husband fuck my incredibly attractive patron goddess, but no, I had to get stuck with the only two idiots who don't enjoy a good coupling and couldn't express an emotion if your lives depended on it-"

"Penelope! We're just friends!" Odysseus says loudly. "And more importantly, she's my goddess- the virgin goddess, if you've somehow forgotten- I would never-"

"Friends don't cuddle on the grass after spars and murmur to each other like that!" Penelope says louder, throwing her hands out. "And it's one thing for you to not know, you're married and dumb as a rock about it- what's her excuse for not knowing you're in love with her?"

Odysseus wheezes ungracefully, feeling somewhat like he's taken a fall off a tall flight of steps. "I'm not-"

"Oh, don't even try," Penelope rolls her eyes, sounding for all the world like they're having an argument about the curtains. All the women of the country would hate having to fight for their beloved's attention in the face of godliness, and here Odysseus has to deal with this woman sulking that he wasn't gone over- fuck, he can't even make himself think it. "You haven't heard yourself pray. Or talk to her. Or just talk about Athena in general."

"And, what," Odysseus demands, pushing himself up on his elbows, staring at her in disbelief. "You're fine with this?"

"Fine?" Penelope looks at him like he's the crazy one here. "I've been waiting for weeks for something to happen! Oh gods- do you seriously not know?"

"There's nothing to know!" Odysseus shouts. "I'm not- she's not-"

"Unbelievable," Penelope says, putting her face in her hands.

"What is wrong with you?" Odysseus bursts out as the craziness of the situation finally bursts upon him. "Are you mental?"

"How am I mental?" Penelope throws her hands up. "It's true!"

"It's-" Odysseus' denial dies on his tongue as his mind forces him to consider it without his consent, and. Well.

"You're mad," He says quickly, and flops back down face-first into the pillow. Penelope hollers in victorious, mocking laughter overhead and he reaches out to tickle her to get her to stop. She squeals and a smile catches on his lips- he's too weak to her laughter to not follow up.

"Is this- ah, stop!- the thanks I get?" Penelope demands a few minutes of struggling later, giggling still. "Just you wait- Athena! Oh goddess of the iron and loom, the spear and thread- AH!"

"Have you lost your mind?" Odysseus demands, shaking her by the hand over her mouth, half-laughing himself.

"Trust me!" Penelope drawls, eyes sparking with cunning. His smile falters in the face of it, beautiful though it makes her look, as the rest of the night comes rushing back and with it, the possibilities of absolute disaster that his wife was clearly heading towards in her delusions.

"Penelope, listen-" Odysseus sighs, but before he can say anything more, she's reached out and snapped off one of the branches from their tree.

"ATHENA!" She yells, loud enough that Odysseus rocks back from the force of it, then rocks back forward from the sharp familiar crack from the back of the room.

"I am not a dog!" Athena snaps, hands thrown out and curled into claws the way it only gets when she's really annoyed. Odysseus has one brief moment of considering wildly every direction he can fling himself towards to hide in the mere seconds he has before her gaze falls upon him, but it's already too late.

"YOU!" Athena snarls, still in her white robes, eyes blazing with anger. Odysseus yelps and scrambles backwards, pointing at Penelope with one hand and raises the other in mute surrender.

Athena growls like a lion and stalks to the bed, fists clenched at her sides. Her hair is raised up like a bush, as if she was running her fingers through it, making her look more crazed than he's ever seen her.

"I. Fucking." Athena slams a hand and leg down on either side of him, glaring still, making the bed shake as she climbs over him. "Despise. You."

Odysseus' words falter on his lips as he looks up at her, feels the pieces fall into place as fast as falling marbles seeing his own emotions reflected in her eyes- longing and confusion and hesitation and hilariously, the same little bit of disgust- and he reaches up the same time she leans down and-

Athena makes a noise and abruptly pushes her face off to the side so his lips drag across her browbone. He stares up at the ceiling for a few moments with the crushing anxiety of what did I just do, before he feels Athena shiver against him and automatically wraps all limbs around her in an embrace borne of some animal instinct to keep a person warm.

She obligingly shrinks down to human proportions and clings back. Every last argument, every last stilted apology feels like it pales in face of this embrace, like it finally has settled in for both of them that it's over. He no longer has to be her warrior, just her friend. That they'll be alright.

He has a feeling they both might be crying a little.

"See!" Penelope chirps and they both nearly jump out of their skin. "Told you."

"Yes, yes," Odysseus gripes, Athena scowling up at her grumpily. Penelope smiles wider and he feels them both soften grudgingly, Athena sighing as Odysseus pulls Penelope down to kiss her. "You were right."

"Hm," Penelope preens, rolling closer to both of them and throwing an arm over Athena's lower back. The goddess looks at her narrowly, and she grins back.

Athena huffs in acceptance and closes her eyes, shifting minutely to allow Penelope to stroke up and down her back curiously, playing with the feathers at the nape of her neck. Penelope's going to try kissing her tomorrow, she wearily thinks.

"You didn't win that round, by the way," She says suddenly and Penelope snorts.

Odysseus makes a loud noise of offense. "Of course I did-"