#I need to familiarize myself with over the weekend. anyway. prayers appreciated for me to be sturdier in my beliefs

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I amb. going to bed.

[muwur]

Hiii and welcome!! May I please request for the lovable annoying baby Hinata who has a HUGE crush on this popular girl in his class and one day she sees him at the mall or something and rushes to him begging him to pretend to be her boyfriend because there’s a group of guys that won’t leave her alone and that’s when she finally realizes that this gorgeous sweetheart exists and Hinata is just on cloud 9 the entire time but then he remembers it’s all fake :((((( teeeee

✿ pretend boyfriend pt. 1

♡ scenario ♡ for hinata

❧ fem reader

✎ 3.2k words

a/n: aw hello ty for the welcome <3 also this request made me cackle AAHAHAHAHA. also this format is interesting lolol, im so indecisive about how i want it

anyways, hope u enjoy hehe >.> this came out a lot longer than i had originally planned but did i even have a plan in the first place buut i aint complaining LOL

also yes theres going to be a pt 2 firhfnxfwifj hehe

requests: open! pls bbys dun b shy i have summer skool soon fml i need this to make me procrastinate on work LMAO

-having been preoccupied with volleyball, crushes never crossed Hinata’s mind

-however, he was about to find out that he was quite clueless when it came to love

-he found himself speeding to school on his bike one morning, riding at breakneck speed to try to make it on time

-ahhhh, i was so excited about the first day of going to karasuno and seeing their volleyball team that i couldnt sleep until 4 am...!

-that explains why he overslept

-lost in his thoughts, he nearly failed to notice the girl who was walking in front of him

-and so, at the very last minute, he swerved. i nto a tree.

- “oh my gosh! are you okay??”

-if he wasn’t okay before, now he’s cURED because the most beautiful girl was looking down at him with an outstretched hand, concern in her eyes

-he jumped up instead and waved his arms in front of himself, blushing and nodding, “y-yeah, I’m fine! don’t worry about me, a-are you okay??”

- “you’re the one who crashed into the tree!” you responded with shock as you moved to pick up his bike off the ground (luckily, it was undamaged)

-he took the handlebars after you offered them to him

-you frowned slightly. “i’m sorry, i should’ve watched where i was going. are you hurt?”

-he was too busy gawking at you to realize his head started bleeding

-cue you yelling frantically “y-your head! it’s bleeding!” and rushing him to the nurse’s office

-in his head: ‘i-im holding her hand’

-nearly combusted on spot

-and that was how he met you

-later he found out he actually shared the same class with you!

-though you never seemed to notice LOL

-you sat on the opposite side of the room, closer to the front of the class

-he sat all the way in the back, so it’s not like you would’ve really seen him but it was the perfect spot for hinata to stare at you and not pay attention to class

-and during breaks or when the teacher left the room for a few minutes, everyone around you would try to spark up a conversation with you

-oh how he wished he could make you smile and laugh like that too

-and whenever he saw you outside of class, he hid immediately (behind walls, doors, lockers, people *coughkageyamacough* “hinata boke!”, etc) and admired you from afar, way too nervous to approach you after your first encounter several weeks ago

-he just kNOWS he’ll do something stupid and end up a stuttering, blushing mess

-besides, you probably forgot who he was ;((

-one day at lunch, he hid behind yamaguchi, who was confused until he followed hinata’s intent gaze to your form, which was walking by in front of the pair

-kageyama, who also took notice, smiled devilishly

- “pfffft, she’d never glance your way”

- tsukki deadpanned, “you don’t stand a chance. she’s way too pretty for you and people are lining up just to talk to her”

-cue hinata fighting kags n tsukki, blushing and with tears pricking at his eyes

- “aw, guys, don’t be so mean, I think he just has a crush!” yams snickered what an angel (no i am not in love w this man)

-one weekend, hinata was out in a nearby shopping area to get some snacks for natsu cuz she wouldn’t stop bugging him about it (“you ate the rest of my candy, so you have to go get me some more!”)

-as he was leaving the store, hand in his bag, he felt a tug on his sleeve and heard a “psst”

-some higher being must’ve blessed him that day because here he was, face to face with the girl who’s been on his mind everyday for several weeks

-sdgfhjkljihyuitufjhk

-error.exe

-he opened his mouth to say something, maybe like a:

-“h-hey! you look familiar, I totally don’t know your name or think about you before i sleep at night, s-so hOWS the weather???”

-but before he could humiliate himself speak, you gave him a small smile and asked, “aren’t you the guy i took to the nurse after you crashed into that tree?”

- “y-yeah, that was me!” he stuttered out

-he was trying so hard to keep his cool, but he could feel his palms get sweaty and his body quiver with pANIC

-you stifled a giggle with your hand (hinata: so cute dfghjfgljkl) "im glad to see you’re doing well. sorry, i never introduced myself. my name’s y/n, what’s yours?”

-you extended your hand as a greeting

-yet all he could do was stare at it, dumbfounded

-the two brain cells he owned said we ouTTIE

- “my name’s hinata!” he yelled dramatically for no reason. “sorry, my hand’s a bit sweaty, otherwise i would shake yours!” so instead, he bent forward in a bow

-eyes wide at his sudden outburst and gesture, you laughed in response and waved a hand, “it’s okay, really! nice to meet you again, hinata”

-a few moments of silence passed by, he was still bending over, and you were looking at your surroundings awkwardly

-risking a glance up, he caught a nervous expression on your face, and it made his eyebrows furrow in concern

- “hey, are you okay?” he asked as he straightened his body

-nice. smooth and direct.

-you sheepishly looked at the ground and absentmindedly itched the side of your head, twirling a strand of hair with your finger

- “this is kinda embarrassing, but um... could you do me a favor? i promise it’s nothing too bad!”

-little do you know he would literally do aNYthing for you right now

- “of course!” he replied a little too quickly. “w-what is it?”

- “soooo, i ran into these guys from school earlier, and they won’t stop bothering me, especially this one guy. a lot of girls like him and think he’s cool, but he’s such a jerk! i honestly don’t know what they see in him. he’s been so insistent on dating me the past few weeks that i try to avoid him as much as possible...”

-you shyly looked up at him and he had to refrain from exploding

- “could you please, uh, pretend to be my boyfriend?”

-b-b-b-boYFrIeNd??

- “y-y-y-your b-b-b-boyf-f-friend?” he managed to sputter

-you clasped your two palms together in front of your face like a prayer and leaned forward slightly, closing your eyes. “just for today, i promise! i remember you were really sweet when i first met you, so i thought i could ask you! i need to get a few things and i know he’s still around here, so i might run into him and his friends again. also, earlier, i uh... kinda told him i had a boyfriend to see if he would back off, but i think it just made him angrier...”

-you were talking a bit too fast for hinata’s nonexistent brain to process, but he got the gist

-basically, he needed to pretend to be your boyfriend in front of some guy that wouldn’t leave you alone

-it almost sounded like a dream come true

-except for the fact this was all fake and he wasn’t actually your boyfriend

-BUT HE GOT TO TALK TO YOU AND PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING HE WANTED TO BE

-AND PROTECT YOU

-AND HE GOT TO TALK TO YOU

-but...

- “err, how do i do that?”

-you looked back up at him questioningly. “do what?”

-he looked off to the side in embarrassment. “w-well, i’ve never really dated anyone, so i’m not sure how to act and make it believable...”

-you clasped his hands making him even more flustered and jumped up in excitement

- “so you’ll do it??”

-he could only manage to nod in response

- “great! ahhhh, thank you so much! you don’t know how much i appreciate this! as for the acting... well, we just have to do couple-y things. y’know, hold hands, stand close to one another, feed each other, take pictures together, kiss, all that stuff. just follow my lead!”

-did his ears deceive him?

-did you just say

-kISS??

-he?? was going to get?? to?/ kisS yOu?//dfokgjif

-he definitely looked like an idiot right now

-wide eyes glazed over, mouth opened slightly for the soul leaving his body, a grey and sickly pale complexion, stomach twisting from nerves and butterflies

-noya and tanaka would be so jealous

-and possibly kill him so they could replace him as your pseudo boyfriend

- “hinata? what’s wrong, d-did i say something?”

-your concerned voice brought him back to earth

-gazing into your cute, confused eyes, he took a deep breath and exhaled

- ‘im acting so uncool right now! y/n needs my help!’

-he mustered up the courage to flash you a determined smile and a thumbs up. “i’ll be the best fake boyfriend you could ever ask for!”

-you could’ve sworn you felt your heart skip a beat

-you chuckled at his genuine display and smiled back. “then in that case, would you mind tagging along as i pick up a few things?”

-he could barely hold himself together when you clasped his hand and scooted close to him

-so close he could smell a pleasant scent wafting from you

- ‘i cant believe this is happening im holding her hand agAIN was this meant to be—‘

-and then his mind went blank for like the hundredth time in the last several minutes

-he followed you around, trying to steady his rapidly beating heart and ignore the warmth that remained on his cheeks

-how could you be so calm when you two were holding hands for so long?? (kags: it means she doesnt like u)

-he was both elated and terrified at the same time

-hinata couldn’t help but relish the way your fingers felt interlocked with your own

-how you slightly swung your arms together as you walked

-the way your eyes shone as you talked so casually with him

-the crinkle of your eyes and the sweet sound of your laugh when he said something that was apparently funny

- ‘fjjkdjnf i made her laugh‘

-he couldn’t help but notice the way your hair brushed your face when you leaned forward to inspect an item on a shelf

- “this is kinda cute, don’t you think?” you held up a small plush of a hedgehog

- “y-yeah, adorable!” but i’m not talking about the hedgehog

-it was no surprise to him, really, to see why you were so popular with everyone

-what’s not there to like? aside from your stunning beauty and intelligence, you were naturally charming and radiated an aura that just drew others in

-two hours passed and you both ended up sitting at a table, hands linked together across the table’s surface

- “ah, i need to answer this,” you breathed out, letting go of his hand to rummage your bag and answer your ringing phone

-ngl his hand was already getting cold and he missed your touch

-after a few nods and short replies, you ended the call and stood up

- “well, now that i’ve gotten everything, i have to head home now. ..”

- “oh... i-i mean, oh, alright! uhh, it was nice um, shopping with you!”

-his heart sank a bit now that this blissful time had come to an end

-disappointment seeped in hello darkness my old friend

-you, too, were a bit dismayed. you never expected to have enjoyed your time with him that much

-how come you never saw him at school? you definitely would’ve loved to get to know him more...

- “y-yeah, i had a good time, too! er, shopping, i mean! thanks again for following me around, though. you’re really sweet, hinata. i don’t know what i would’ve done without your help...”

- ‘come on, this is your chance!’

-boyo took another deep breath and opened his mouth to say, “y/n, could we do this again som--”

- “y/n! heyyy, i’ve been looking for you, sweet cheeks!”

-you both whipped around to see a group of guys approaching your table

-quickly, you pulled hinata close to you and whispered in his ear, “act natural.”

-nAtUral?????

-nodding, he stood up straighter and hesitantly snaked an arm around your waist

-then stiffened in fear when you were both surrounded by a group of guys who were all way taller than him

-you gave the boys a suspicious eye and scooted closer into hinata’s touch

-“what do you want? for the last time, i am not going out with you. don’t you know anything about respecting other people? besides, i’m already with someone,” you huffed

-the one in the front cocked an eyebrow at the sight of you two

-he had silky dark hair, smooth skin, a captivating gaze, and a smirk that could creep right under your skin

-“you expect me to believe small fry’s your boyfriend? him? with YOU? you could do so much better, buttercup. I could make you feel so good.”

-hinata could tell this guy was bad news. really bad news. he was the type who wouldn’t take no for an answer

- ‘ahhh, what do i do?? if i just stand here, he’s gonna keep harassing her! and possibly even hurt her...’

-the guy inched closer to you, much to your obvious discomfort as you stepped back, and he reached out to touch your cheek

-but hinata was quicker, and he slid in front of you before the guy could lay a finger on you

- “leave her alone! she obviously wants nothing to do with you.”

-the fiery glint in his eye was almost enough to make the other guy back off, but his pride wouldn’t let him

-angry, he instead grabbed fistfuls of hinata’s collar and spat in his face, “say that again, shorty.”

-hinata continued to stare into the other guy’s eyes daringly and grabbed a hold of his wrist in response

- “she said no. quit harassing a girl who’s made it clear she’s not interested, or else.”

- “or else what.”

-his grip on the guy’s wrist tightened and his eyes sharpened. “you’ll have to get through me, first.”

- “tch,” the taller male scoffed. he let go of hinata, pushing him back and glaring as he did so. then he glanced over at you still standing behind the orange-haired boy

- “bet you’ll get bored of shortstack over here soon enough. i’ll be waiting,” he remarked with a wink

-then he and his friends turned and walked away, disappearing from view

-hinata, who’s been running on pure adrenaline during this whole encounter, then collapsed on the floor from all the excitement and terror he tried to contain

- “h-hinata?!” you gasped, using your arms to support his sluggish body

- “ahhh... i thought he’d at least swing at me, but i got lucky...”

-he sounded breathless

-however, the last thing he expected was the soft press of your lips on his cheek

- “thank you, hinata. i really appreciate the way you stood up for me back there. no one’s ever really done that for me.”

-how many times can you die and come back to life in the same day?? p sure hinata’s broken the record for that by now

- “o-o-o-of course! i couldn’t just let him keep thinking that going after you like this is o-okay! i-i didn’t even do much, i-i mean you’ve been standing up to this guy for weeks, this was the least i could do to help--”

-and you were huGGING HIM

-he awkwardly returned the gesture, eyes wide with shock as he patted your back

- “i mean it. thank you. i hope he backs off, but...” you bit your lip and pulled away

- “w-what’s wrong...?”

-you sighed. “i have a feeling he’s still going to be bothering me for a while. i hate to ask this of you, but...”

- “could you pretend to be my boyfriend for a bit longer? at least until he gets the hint and stops...?”

-did this mean...

- ‘dating’ you at scHOOL???

-kageyama and tsukki will never let him live it down, he could already imagine their comments

- “why’d she pick you of all people for this job?? you’re so?? you???”

- “couldn’t she have chosen to be with someone more believable??”

-he shook his head from his thoughts

- “i-is that a no?” you asked worriedly

- “n-no! i mean, yes! i mean, ignore that! i can pretend for as long as you need, y/n.”

- “ahhh, thank you so much, hinata! i promise i’ll treat you to something in return!” you brought him back in a hug, swaying side to side in glee

-you both stood up after you let go. “we should exchange numbers!” you suggested

- ‘oh my gawd, im getting her number rdftegiuofref’

-tanaka and noya would be so proud tho

-you quickly typed down your contact information on his phone before handing it back to him. “alright, here you go, just give me a text! i have to go now.”

-you picked up your bags and gave him a parting smile. “i’ll see you at school! get home safe!”

-and with that, you were on your way

-he stood there and watched as you left, holding onto the cheek you had kissed earlier

-he couldn’t believe it

extra:

-he had texted you after he got home, giggling like a lovesick preteen (was he not thooo LOL) as he was reading your messages and sharing memes with you

y/n 乁( ⏒ ͜ʖ ⏒ )ㄏ : oh ye btw, who’s your teacher? also, where do you usually hang out? just so i know where to find you. i never c u around school for som reason

me: oh rlly? thats strange... (pretending like he doesnt hide from you lol) im usually in the courtyard during lunch or in the gym for volleyball practice, and i have class with ms. akio

y/n 乁( ⏒ ͜ʖ ⏒ )ㄏ : WE’RE IN THE SAME CLASS??? omg im so sorry, i never noticed :((

me: oh no its okay! i sit all the way in the back, so

y/n 乁( ⏒ ͜ʖ ⏒ )ㄏ : well, i’ll make sure to greet you next time :) ! we’ll be seeing each other a whole lot more now, so

-he was still smiling like an idiot when natsu burst open his bedroom door

- “where’s my candy?!”

-shit, you probably took it with all your other bags by accident

- “uhhh....”

- “shoyooooo! you owe me, big time!”

-he rolled his eyes. “yeah, yeah, i know, i’m sorry, i’ll buy you twice as much tomorrow.”

-he went back to typing away at his phone

-natsu raised her eyebrows in curiosity. “whatcha doinnn?”

- “nothing, go away.”

- “you’ve been on your phone all day!”

- “and?”

- “are you talking to a giiirrrlllll?”

- “n-no!”

- “then why are you blushinggg?? moommm! shoyo has a girlfriend!” then she added to her brother, “can i see her?? is she pretty??”

-he just groaned, putting a hand up to his face to cover his blush, and nodded

a/n: OKAY this def took me longer than i thot AAHAHA but no ragrets. ty for your request, anon, i rlly enjoyed writing this and i hope you liked it! there will be a part 2, ill try to get that done soon >.> stay tuned hehe. msg me or send me an ask if you wanna be in the taglist cx <3 have a great day or night, lovelies, wherever you are

[pjdredful]

The AV Club

Chapter 7

 "So what are you going to do about that Tony guy?" I have no idea. I don't like the idea of taking him up on his offer to help me. It will be hard to trust him when he's been lying his pants off since day one. I shrug and rest my head against the warm glass of the window. I can tell that Mo is trying to keep my mind off the fact that we're almost to my house so I give the thought my full attention.

 "He says he can help me but how do I know he's not just trying to use me. Or that he even knows what he's talking about?" I shake my head more firmly. No. I don't want his help at all. "I think we should stick with what we know and my mom's journal. We're got a few years of research and the internet what more do we really need?"

 The underworld can't be that big and bad can it? I mean we can hold our own when we need to and maybe I'll learn how to control my…ability or whatever by myself. My gaze shifts to Lirae in the seat next to me who looks thoughtful before nodding. "Well I don't think we should trust the guy. What do we really know about him? Is he even a therapist for real or is that just a cover to get close to you?"  

Huh. Well now I feel really weirded out. It never even crossed my mind that he wasn't a real therapist. Not that I had plans to continue being his patient now and I never really told him anything in the first place but I still feel all kinds of violated. "I don't know. If he's not, he's really working the long game pretty hard. He's not the only therapist in the office and he sees other people."

 Mo pipes up from the driver's seat as we roll to a stop at a light a few blocks from my street. "Well if he's the real deal he'll have a digital footprint somewhere. I can spend some time digging around tonight." I nod my agreement at that. It's a good idea. Even if I never speak to him again it's good to know who's out there that knows about me and this stuff. "Not much else we can do other than follow him around for a few days but that'd be a little hard considering he knows what you look like and we all have school."

 The car lurches forward as the light turns green and I frown. Man. I was totally thinking about Nancy Drew'ing it and following him around. "I might actually have that covered." I give Lirae a raised brow and she shrugs lightly. "What? I know a guy who could do it for cheap." I roll my eyes and snort because Lirae always knows a person who can do something shady. Wait. That includes me too. Hm. Well that will teach me to throw stones from my crystal manse.  My stomach sinks a little when I see my dad's truck in the driveway. Mo parks at the curb, his engine idling roughly and loudly.

 "Dude you gotta get that shit fixed its embarrassing." Mo just flips Lirae off as she slides out of the car after me. The car could be held together with duct tape and prayers and only roll downhill but Mo would still love it. It's not actually that far off from my description and I make a mental note to ask Jo-lynn for the name of our mechanic. Just in case Mo needs it. I take the steps up to the porch heavily and sigh. I warm hand slips in to mine and I stop at the doormat. "Hey, it's gonna be okay Evie. You know that right?"

 I turn my back on the house, preferring not to look at it for the moment. Lirae tugs my hand lightly and moves to stand in front of me. Well. This is a much better view anyway. "Yeah I know. I'm still kind of butthurt but you're right, they love me." I tug Lirae closer and touch my forehead to hers. "Thanks for walking me to the door but you know nothing would have happened to me from the car to here, right?" Lirae gives me a slightly guilty look when I call her out on it. I've let it go for the past few days but ever since my beacon status became active and especially after that thing with the weird fox guy this morning I haven't been alone except to pee. And even then one of the boys or Lirae was standing just outside the door waiting for me. That could get old fast.

 Lirae leans in and kisses me, trapping my lip between her teeth playfully for a second. "Maybe I just wanted to scandalize your dad a little bit." Oh. Well. If that's the case then probably it's not so bad then. I chuckle and cup her face for another kiss. I'm thoroughly enjoying the softness of her full lips and the scent of her shampoo as her soft long curls blow around us in the wind. I'm enjoying it a little too much for Mo's liking because he honks the horn impatiently. Oops. Kinda forgot he was her ride home.

 We both turn to give him irritated looks but I take a step back with a sigh. "Guess we'll have to talk about that some more later."

 "We are definitely talking about that later. So tomorrow I'm gonna go see my guy about Tony. You should come with me." Probably I'd go anywhere she asked me to but I just nod and steal one last kiss. Lirae pulls away gives my hand one last squeeze before lightly bouncing down the stairs and jogging to the car. I watch them pull away before turning back to the house. I might as well get it over with. A few steps in the door I can hear hushed voices go silent and my step mom pokes her head out of the kitchen.

 "I thought I heard the door." She makes her way out of the kitchen toward me. Jo-lynn stops just short of hugging me and arranges a lock of my hair awkwardly as if it's the only gesture she thinks will be safe. "I'm glad you're back, are you hungry? I wasn't sure if you'd be back tonight but I made pesto tortellini and chicken…just in case." That's my favorite dish and she made it special for me. I feel like an utter pill for not realizing, or not wanting to realize how much she really cares about me before. I don't know I'm hugging her until Jo-lynn gives a surprised but pleased exclamation. "Oh, honey, if I had known you liked it that much I would have made it for you special before."

 The joke doesn't keep her from hugging me back, or stop her from sniffling just a little but it does make me clear my throat and step back a little. "I'm starving." My stomach gives a loud growl as proof and she chuckles, poking my belly with a finger.

 "You could use with some feeding. You're gone two days and you look like a stick. Come sit down and eat, your dad hasn't had dinner yet either." She leads me in to the kitchen where my dad is sitting at the table looking tired and busted as he's reaching over for the garlic bread. "Frank! You can't wait five minutes? Evie, honey go wash your hands. Honestly Frank I can't leave you alone for a second."

 My dad's shoulders sink and he leans back in his chair with a grunt. "I was just making sure it was warm." That is the worst excuse ever. I chuckle as I drop my bag on the floor and wash my hands in the kitchen sink. At least he doesn't sound angry, just playfully annoyed. "You don't hurry kiddo I'm eating your serving too." Well. I can't let that happen. It's pesto tortellini.

 "Dunno if you're fast enough old man." I steal his fork right out of his hand as I sit down at the table across from my stepmom at my dad's right side. He half chuckles at that and takes his fork back with a jerk. It’s familiar. Safe. And I am so freaking relieved about it. I really didn’t want to get into any deep discussions and I for sure don’t want to fight with them. Either of them. Maybe taking the weekend to stay at the clubhouse was the best thing I could have done. For all of us.

 "You hear the mouth on this kid?" Jo-lynn doesn't even bother to hide her happy grin as she watches us playing at the table.

 "Hm. You'd think she was a Rossi or something." We both give her identical mock offended stares before dissolving in to laughter. Jo-lynn piles a shallow pasta bowl high and my stomach growls again. Oh God. It smells so good. My dad holds out his hand expectantly when she's done placing a side of bread artfully on the plate but she passes it across to me. "What? You could use with skipping a meal everyone once in a while, if Evie doesn't eat, her stomach will keep us up all night."

 "Hey!" There's another round of chuckles but we settle down and dig in. I take a slow bite, savoring it before I just suck it all in to my face like a Hoover vacuum. Oh. God. It's so good. My eyes cross and I hum in appreciation the same time my dad does. Probably Jo-lynn could die of happiness right now the way she's looking at us. I'll say this for Jo, she is an amazing cook, and not so bad of a mom either.

 About halfway through my ENORMUS plate of tortellini my dad clears his throat and starts shifting in his seat. Uh oh. I knew it couldn't be so easy as joking fun times like we'd all just forget about the argument. I take a deep breath and lean back in my seat a little. Maybe if I keep chewing I won't have to do any talking. I think he might be just as uncomfortable as I am because my dad makes a frustrated grunting sound and scratches at his jaw. Jo-lynn watches him subtly for a second before smiling a bit at me.

 "Evie, your dad wants to tell you something. Go on Frank." The last is a little more direct and I stop my chewing and look at my dad. He looks like he wants to be anywhere but here right now. I know the feeling.

 "It's just that um, I'm glad you're back kid. House wasn't the same without you."

 I put my fork down slowly and straighten my back. "You mean because you didn't get woken up by my nightmares or the police?" I don't say it with an attitude because I know that my life and my particular circumstances are no peach to deal with. It might hurt to hear him say it but I can't blame him for feeling that way. Even I feel that way about myself sometimes. My dad rests his forearms on the table and looks at me fully for the first time in I don't know how long.

 "I'm sorry I said those things, Peanut. I was just really mad because…well because I'm scared that I will lose you like I lost your mom." He hasn't called me Peanut since he put mom away. I look at my silverware, playing with my setting as I nod once.

 "That's a valid fear I guess." I hate to admit it but I could end up like my mom. It's kind of terrifying to think about so I try not to dwell on it but it keeps popping up in the back of my mind. If I had a Guardian it would be okay but the only one available is Tony and well. That's just not an option right now.

 "No damn it, no it is not. You're not your mom, Evie. You might look like her and you might have her great big heart but you've got my stubborn streak. You're stronger than she was, and you're stronger than I am now. We can do this, we can get you all the help you want and need. It doesn't…" He trails off and I look up at him struggling to articulate something difficult. "I don't have to make the same mistakes I did with your mother."

 I think my heart breaks a little hearing him admit that. Jo-lynn rests a hand on his arm reassuringly, letting him know she's here for him. Just like she always has been. Like she's always been here for both of us. "I think that you did the best you could then, Dad. And I think you're doing a pretty dang good job with what ya got going on right now. But..." He quirks his mouth in to a half grin and nods his head.

 "But probably I could still try harder." I nod at that accepting his implied apology and acknowledging that he could be more present in my life. I know he loves me, and I've never doubted that but he drifted after mom. I missed him and he's been here the entire time.  The sound of Jo-lynn blowing her nose and sniffling through tears makes us both shift uncomfortably. Look. We're a passionate people but we're not big on deep expressions of love here. “It’s not that I didn’t want you to have your mom’s stuff Evie. I just…I wasn’t ready for you to have it.”

 I lower my head a little and shrug at that. I want to be angry. I want to be really angry. I just don’t have it in me right now. “That doesn’t make it okay for me, Dad. There are things I need to know. That I haven’t been able to understand and no one can explain it to me better than mom could. Keeping things a secret from me isn’t helping me. Or any of us.” I know I have to get back to reading her journal. Especially since I pitched a fit about it and all. It’s just that maybe like my dad, I’m just not ready to read it yet. “Maybe probably I could have tried not to throw a tantrum about it though.” He gives me a slow grin that I return knowing that while we’re not one hundred percent okay right this second, we’re gonna be.

 "You two. Peas in a pod. Eat your dinner it's getting cold." She blows her nose again and I stab a tortellini ruthlessly and shove it in my mouth. Alright. That wasn't so bad. A little heartbreaking but not terrible. And my dad called me Peanut and wants to be there for me. There's just one problem. I'm eventually going to have to get around to telling him and Jo-lynn what's really happening. I chew meditatively for a few minutes before Jo-lynn composes herself enough to derail my thought train entirely. "Honey now that you've you know, come out, there are going to have to be some new rules about girls staying over."

 The tortellini gets stuck in my throat when I suck in a surprised breath and I have to cough a few times to clear it. Uh. Why are we talking about this? What's happening right now? I look at my dad in a panic as he continues to shovel food in to his mouth as if Jo-lynn didn't just refer to the idea of me getting down with a girl during a sleepover. He stops to slap a big beefy hand on my back a few times to unstick the tortellini in my throat then goes back to eating. I continue to stare at him until he looks at me.

 "Well don't look at me. You're never coming home knocked up, that's good enough for me."

 "Frank!" Oh God. Oh. My. God. I can’t handle this. Where is that earth rending portal to another universe when you need it? I tap the ground tentatively hopeful at my feet with the toe of my shoe. Nope. Still solid. Damn I'm stuck here. "This is serious, don't you care about your daughter's dating habits?" Oh well. I don't date so that's not really an issue is it? Although now maybe that will be changing since I have this unnamed…thing…with Lirae.

 My dad sighs and grunts before turning to look at me, fork in one hand, beer in the other. "Look kid, my advice to you is pretty much the same. No means no, and if someone doesn't like it ya kick 'em right in the crotchular area. Or you know maybe…" He makes a vague boob gesture then frowns as the idea fully hits him. "You know maybe we just don't do the whole dating thing at all until you're 35."

 My stepmom sighs and swats at his shoulder with the back of her hand. "Tsk. Frank. She's doesn't have to be a spinster because she's gay."

 "OKAY!" I clear my throat and push my plate away a little trying to interrupt the flow of this particular conversation. "How about we just say I don't do anything that you wouldn't allow me to do with a boy and leave it at that? Please?" Thank God none of my friends are here to see this. Orson would find my discomfort entirely too entertaining. My dad just shrugs, I think he's just relieved he's not likely to be a grandfather any time soon. Jo-lynn considers then gives me a slight nod.

 "You know you can talk to us about anything. Your father and I are not like our parents were. We're a little more hip with the times. You can tell us about girls…"

 "No! No, thank you. Um. That's great and I'm glad but I'm good. We don't need to do that. Like. Ever. Please." Please God let's not do that. My dad reaches over and pats Jo-lynn's arm lightly as if to say there there, we've done enough needling for one night.

 "Pass the bread please." And just like that we move on to something much more important. Food. Guess I didn't need that inter-dimensional rift to hell after all.

[yogaadvise]

What Elizabeth Gilbert`s New Book `Big Magic` Can Teach Us About Fear

Although I've been a functioning author for virtually three years, virtually whenever I rest down to compose something, I become Stuart Smalley's evil twin, flogging myself with the anti-affirmation, 'I'm unsatisfactory, I'm not wise sufficient, as well as, gosh darn it, individuals aren't going to like this.'

I'm not the only innovative individual who locates themselves scaling a mountain of concern and hesitancy each time they get fracturing on a brand-new task. (I desire I could state I bask in this, however I don't.) I've fulfilled many actors, artists, writers, artists, visuals designers-and numerous other individuals that desire be-who are as likewise hurt. For example, when I interviewed Reese Witherspoon concerning her recent well-known efficiency as a recouping heroin and sex addict in Cheryl Strayed's memoir-turned-movie Wild, the Oscar winner trusted that she was virtually paralyzed by instability as the initial day of shooting approached.

' Every single time I begin a new [ motion picture], I'm horrified,' Witherspoon said. 'I desire to vomit, often I have panic assaults. You get that pit in your tummy, like you're not going to be able to do it, which you're going to be asked to do something you can not accomplish.'

And when I spoke to John Taylor, bass player for Duran Duran, he stated that complying with every one of his mega success as a participant of among the largest bands of the 80s, he invested years saddled by anxiousness that he 'had not been the actual thing.'

' I keep in mind coming to be actually familiar with all those session musicians as well as a small amount embarrassed of my very own playing style,' he claims. 'It almost made me wish to go and also conceal away. Among the worst traits you could get is self-conscious.'

Turns out, Eat Pray Love writer Elizabeth Gilbert-the worldwide-bestselling writer of the beloved travel and also self-discovery memoir (and also its followup, Committed, and also the well-known unique The Signature of All Traits)- has actually additionally invested years vanquishing her own self-doubt satanic forces and also coaxing out her imaginative side. At the same time, she's come to be something of a specialist. In 2009, she offered a TED talk on locating 'Your Elusive Creative Genius', at 10 million sights, it places as one of one of the most watched of perpetuity. After that earlier this year, she took to the roadway with Oprah on the mogul's The Life You Want Weekend tour, resolving readers concerning the significance of daring to be strong, charting your very own life training course, and discovering how to overlook your fears.

' Your concern is one of the most monotonous feature of you,' she stated throughout a talk that I view on YouTube for ideas whenever I'm determined to obtain a publication cover tale or publication proposal over the coating line. 'Additionally, these are specifically the very same concerns that everybody that has actually ever before completed a book-or created anything-feels. To puts it simply, your anxieties are simply regular old mass-produced, made-in-China, sold-at-Walmart fears-nothing penalty or valuable or artisanal concerning them.' As well as additionally: 'Fear just ever before informs you one point: quit. Whereas creativity, nerve, and ideas only ever before desire you to go. I want us all liberated from the course of fear, for numerous factors - but mostly since it creates such a damn boring life.'

To that end, Gilbert has published a brand-new publication, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, a go-and-get-it overview that allows us a glimpse right into her very own job procedure, in addition to her thoughts on exactly how concepts and ideas are born and also materialize. It also works as a pointer that, although she's sold 12 million copies of Eat Pray Love, Gilbert coincides as us: She has a continuous friend in worry. The difference is, she's discovered to approve its omnipresence and also obtains on with business of developing her art (in this case, writing) anyhow. Below, some of her Magic concepts and also tips that I have actually located to be especially effective.

' If you are alive, you are an imaginative person.'

Reading Huge Magic, I typically found myself amazed by exactly how Gilbert had handled to occupy residency in my head as well as unpack so several of the writing-related stress and anxieties I had kept up there. There's that continuous irritating sensation that I'm a fraud. It does not matter that I have evidence to the contrary through years of published write-ups, I still often ask myself just how I have the audacity to think I can achieve whatever it is I'm concerning to do. The entire time I was composing my 80s songs narrative history, Mad World, I 'd get one songs publication after another and also admire the work of 'genuine' authors, something I never ever pictured I could ever before really be. Apparently, this is a preferred concern among innovative types (see John Taylor's tension re: not being 'the genuine point'). In advising us that all us modern humans share an ancestry of makers-' decorators, tinkers, storytellers, professional dancers, explorers, fiddlers, drummers, home builders, cultivators, problem-solvers as well as embellishers'- Gilbert emphasizes that anyone with a pulse has it in their DNA to be imaginative. 'The guardians of high society will certainly try and also convince you that the arts belong just to a picked few,' she creates, 'however they are wrong as well as they are likewise frustrating.' The next time we are falling victim to the fallacy that we have no right to call ourselves creative, 'for paradise's purpose, a minimum of protect on your own!' Gilbert states. 'Protecting on your own as an innovative person begins by specifying yourself. Stand high and claim it aloud: 'I'm an author.' 'I'm a singer.' 'I'm a garden enthusiast.' 'I'm a professional dancer.' 'I'm a developer.' Hearing this news, your heart will mobilize appropriately.'

' Imagination is a path for the take on, but it is not a course for the fearless.'

Gilbert has actually pertained to approve that creativity as well as fear are 'adjoined doubles': any place the former goes, the latter is right there next to it. 'If your goal is to be fearless, after that I believe you're on the wrong course,' she says, 'because the only genuinely courageous people I've ever before fulfilled were straight-up psychotics and a few incredibly negligent three-year-olds.' Plus, advancement has actually configured our anxiety to secure and guide us off of circumstances with unclear outcomes, for 'anxiety dislikes unpredictable outcome.' In various other words, our fear is here to remain, so Gilbert recommends we stop spending so much energy and time aiming to do away with it. 'The much less I combat my anxiety, the less it fights back,' she creates. 'If I could kick back, are afraid loosens up as well.' Additionally, stop allowing concern fool you into assuming it has superhero powers, in reality, the only power it has is the one you believe it has. Whenever fear bullies you, advise it that it's just False Evidence Showing up Real.

' You're not needed to conserve the world with your creativity.'

' You're constantly out for the gold star,' claims my pal and Mad World collaborator, Jonathan Bernstein, that never appears to have any kind of trouble writing his television reviews as well as star profiles. He consistently produces dazzling, typically cackle-out-loud duplicate, and in no time at all flat. When it comes to me, a.k.a. Ms. Perfect, Ms. A +, I compose like my life depends upon it-which, allow's face it, it does not. States Gilbert: 'Worldwide where you and also I live'- i.e., not contemporary Iraq, Nigeria or North Korea-' the stakes of our imaginative expression are low.' As the songwriter Tom Waits as soon as informed Gilbert: 'The only point I actually do is make jewelry for the within of people's minds. That's all.' While innovative failure may bruise our vanity, do not mistake that for genuine risk. And also by the method: Just what is innovative failing anyway? So we didn't market the painting or obtain that part in the play-that doesn't imply we failed. By being innovative in any way, we have actually succeeded. Which leads me to the next point ...

' Attempt stating this: I enjoy my creative thinking.'

When you're staring down a due date or have faced a relatively blockaded imaginative obstacle, anxiety suddenly changes right into Godzilla, roaring 'I informed you so!' causing you to meekly sigh: 'You're right-I needs to've never taken this on.' Anxiety desires you to believe that your creative work is a drag and also a task, it would certainly like absolutely nothing more for you to give up as well as provide up. Do not! 'I started informing myself that I appreciated my job,' Gilbert says. 'I declared that I appreciated every solitary aspect of my imaginative endeavors-the agony and also the euphoria, the success and also the failure, the pleasure and the shame, the droughts as well as the work.' Doing something could seem radical. We innovative kinds like to hem and also haw-where do you believe the term 'tortured artist' comes from? If you find yourself going down this dismal path, that's when you have to, in the words of supervisor Werner Herzog (whom Gilbert estimates in the book): 'Quit your whining and return to function.' Due to the fact that nothing prevents worry like placing your nose to the grindstone. Gilbert's book is called Big Magic, neither spells, prayers, nor finger breaks are going to help any of us reach our imaginative goals. For Reese Witherspoon, it took seeing a therapist to allow her to provide such a naked (both metaphorical and also actual) efficiency in Wild. For John Taylor, it took discovering a champ in 'Stylish Funk' producer/musician Mark Ronson to aid him regain his bass-playing prowess. For me, it takes the day-to-day heeding of the William Wordsworth quote I have taped to my computer screen: 'To begin, start.'