#I need to draft another email before I sleep

[taruruchi]

I am NOT getting on the grind to make new art for today bc I've been getting 4-5 hours of sleep for the past few days and I'm exhausted so I will sleep earlier today lest I collapse 👍

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[skyrigel]

Guardian angel - the salesman

Kidnapping, manipulation, forced feeding, mild dumbification [ Read Guardian devil here ]

He watched your face, ridden of any turmoil. Sleep laden and lips parted, blissfully lost in a foreign dream.

It pleased him to see you sleeping so peacefully, in your dingy apartment with broken windows and leaking ceiling, loud hostile music coming from upstairs and poor regulator that did nothing to warm your room. The bed left your body sore and cold, there was no comfort there for a pretty one like you, so soft, so tender. But it's alright, he'd got you safe here baby.

As much as he loved watching you sleep, but it's been hours after he had taken you out from that shitty apartment, paid the six months due rent and slapped the landowner three times — for all the windows he never fixed and only asked for payments. Next he logged into your email, sent the resignation you had drafted months ago but never sent because there was no work except it. You don't need it now, you needed none of their bullshit. 

You belong to him, he'll take care of you.

“Easy…wake up now, sweetheart.” He cupped your face, skin warm and soft. Your lids slowly opened, expecting harsh day light that came through the broken panels, cheap curtains did nothing to block out the rays. 

There was none of it, your body felt rested and warm. 

“I..Y-you— this..” You scrambled back like a kitten spotted stealing bread. Banging your head hard against the headboard and pain ozzed up in short waves.  His big palm coming to rest on the back of your head and smoothing down the pain, “You must be hungry.” 

It wasn't a question, a statement.

“Who are you ?” You snapped back, trying not to waver your gaze at the tray he was hoisting up with careful, with a steaming bowl in between. 

“Chicken soup,” He said, then smiled like a devil masquerading an angel, “oh, me ?” 

“Who are you ?” you asked again, desperation pouring its way inside you. He was handsome, very handsome. 

“I am your everything baby. Your lover, your family, your angel….” His eyebrows tugged manically, “And your devil.” 

You bite your lips hard enough to draw blood, then open your mouth to say something, counter him. He wasn't. He wasn't. He — 

Meanwhile he blew the steam away from the scooped up herby soup, countering him wasn't something that would please him. You can be a brat all you want later, talk back all you like. He's here, he'll listen, maybe you should give him a list of all the people who've pissed you. That will be good, but for now you must eat and rest. He didn't want to drug you, but there was no other way. 

“Eat, love.”  He pushed as your lips parted, it wasn't hot enough to burn your tongue. He knew it as well.

“Is it good ? I made it for you.” 

Your eyes teared up, it tasted similar, it was the sort of thing that tasted like home, although you haven't known it for so long after your parents' home smelled too much like alcohol and bruises. 

“Hey, hey, hey —” He cooed, as much as he liked how puffy your lips became and goddamn those star like eyes. But it pulsed his heart to see you cry. “What happened ? Tell me.” His sleeve came up to wipe away the soup from the corner of your lips . 

You breathlessly shaked your head.

“Was it you who sent food every day ?” You looked up, eyes into eyes. He leaned forward, his hands holding up the tray.

“Don’t worry too much baby. I've got you.” He whispered, pressing his lips on your forehead and taken aback with your raised chin, a moment, then his lips met yours in a peck. He pulled away, you were all flushed, another moment. He kept the tray aside on the bed table, and smiled like the tempted devil. Slender fingers came and held your jaw hard, before he drank you up all the way in. His lips glided and pried open your mouth to let him get a taste of home, rawly he fucked his tongue in your mouth and felt his cock erect in the simple thought of using your mouth. His beautiful kitten, his cock slut.

It's alright, he's got you. His baby, all his.

[greynatomy]

reputation

ella toone x reader

first ella toone fic! was in the drafts for a while and got around to finally finishing it. honestly don’t know where i was going with this

———

You had a reputation.

Once you turned eighteen, you started to rebel, wanting to make your point across. At eighteen, you started getting tattoos and buzzed all your hair, looking completely different from the colorful person you used to be. You wanted to steer away from the child everyone sees you to be and be seen more of an adult. The thing is, your management thought that the only way to do that is to make you out to be a womanizer, getting girls left and right.

The smoking, though, that was on you. Becoming well known starting at the age of fifteen, you’ve been under the spotlight from a young age, being told how to dress, how to act, everything in your life was controlled. The smoking, getting tattoos, cutting your hair was a way for you to get some of the control back.

You are now twenty-five. Fired your old management, signed into a new label who let you be you. Its been two years and you’ve been writing and producing songs on low profile. Your fans still figure out which songs have been written/produced by you - even under pseudonyms. You were loving being out of the spotlight for once.

—

The sun shining through the curtains wakes you up from your sleep, eyes fluttering shut from the light. Your arm tightens its hold from the body it’s slung over, pulling them close.

“Mmm, five more minutes.”

You didn’t reply, just pulled her closer than she already is, drifting back to sleep. About an hour later, you wake up to footsteps running around. Sitting up, back resting against the headboard, you see your girlfriend running around, stuffing things into her training bag. You sat there quietly, admiring your her chaotic form rushing in and out the room.

“You’re staring.”

“Just admiring.” You mouth twitching up in amusement.

“Well, I need to leave now or I’ll be late.”

“Did you pack any going out clothes? Wanna take you out after training.”

“Yeah, but what about my car?”

“I’ll take a cab to the facility. Wait for you.”

“Alright, text me when you’re there.” She leans down, giving you a kiss. “I love you.”

You grab the back of her neck and pull her back when she moves away, pulling her back in for another kiss.

“I love you. Now, go before you’re late.”

“See you soon.”

To make time go by faster, you decided to busy yourself with some cleaning around the house. You quite liked being a little housewife for Ella, cooking, cleaning, waiting for her to get back home from training.

Few hours later, dressed casual, you’re in a cab on the way to St. George’s Park. paying the cab driver, you walk to the parking lot looking for Ella’s car.

Rockstar 🎸🖤

at the car. forgot the spare key. take your time

Looney Toones ❤️⚽️

give me a few minutes

You leaned against the car, answering some messages and emails from your phone. You were too focused to notice a couple of footsteps coming towards you.

“Uh, excuse you. Don’t lean on the car.”

You look up, taking the hood off your head, to see Ella’s best friend, Alessia, and one other.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Hold on.” Mary, the goalkeeper that Ella’s told you about, spoke up. “Why do you look so familiar?”

Before you could answer, you’re cut off by a very loud voice.

“We’re matching!”

Your face instantly lights up at the voice of your girlfriend.

“What a coincidence!”

“Ha. Ha.” Ella realizes you, once again, matched with her on purpose. “What is it with you wanting to match with me?” She smiles at you with adoration.

You shrug. “You ready to go?”

The clearing of a throat breaks the two of you out of your bubble, forgetting about the other two Lionesses.

“Uh, Tooney?”

“Yeah?”

“Who’s this?”

Ella’s face lights up. “Oh! This is me girlfriend, Y/N!”

“Nice to meet your two!” You hold your hand out, but it was just stared at. You let out a chuckle, awkwardly putting your hand back down. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Bye guys.”

Mary and Alessia watch as the car drives off with their friend inside.

“I remember now! She’s Y/N Y/LN. The one I’ve seen on the news always bringing a new one home.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if Ella was just another one of her conquests.”

The next day at training, Mary and Alessia approach Ella during break.

“Hey, guys!” Ella greeted them cheerfully.

“Hey, Ella. Uh, just some questions.”

“What is it?”

“Your girlfriend. You know who she is right?”

Ella was now confused. “Uh, yeah. Of course I do.”

“Well, we’re just worried.”

“About?” Now Ella was getting a bit impatient.

“She’s a bit off a womanizer isn’t she?” Alessia blurts out, speaking up for the first time.

“Excuse me?”

“She’s always seen with a new girl hanging by her arm like every week.”

“I’m not having this conversation.”

“Look, Tooney. We’re just looking out for you.”

“Looking out for me? Nah, I’m done with this conversation.”

You were in the backyard when you heard the front door slam shut. Looking towards the door, you see your girlfriend stomping towards you and plopping down on your lap.

“What’s happened?”

“Ugh! Can you believe Mary and Less? They had the nerve! The nerve to accuse you of being with me only temporarily.”

“What else did they say?”

“They were talking ‘bout how you always have anew girl hanging off your arm and stuff, but those were from years ago before you fired everyone.”

You wrap your arms tighter around her, pulling her closer. “Well, I mean, look at it from their perspective. They’ve never met me, they don’t know me like you do. All they have is what they’ve seen online. And they’re your best mates, they’re looking out for you.”

After a few moments of silence, Ella now has a look of determination on her face. She grabs her phone and sends out a text.

“They’ll be here in a couple minutes.”

Your eyes almost pop out of their sockets.

“What do you mean in a couple minutes. I haven’t even cleaned the house yet.”

You run around the house picking up anything you could see to put away, wanting to make a good first- technically second- impression with Ella’s best friends.

“Babe.”

You go to grab the vacuum.

“Baby.”

You also grab a broom because what if the vacuum isn’t enough.

“Baby!” She grabs you by the shoulders to keep you in place. “Breathe.” You do as she says. “Okay. The house isn’t even messy and even if it was, they’d know it was from me.”

You nod your head. “True.”

Exactly as Ella stated, there was a knock on your front door a couple of minutes later. She greets them, letting them in and goes to stand next to you.

“This is Y/N. My girlfriend, as I stated yesterday.”

“Hi, nice to meet you both.” You give them a small wave.

Mary’s lips form a straight line while Alessia gives you a small smile in greeting.

“Let me get us something to drink.” Ella announces, leaving the three of you alone.

“What’s your game here?” Mary gets straight to the point.

“Sorry?” Your eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“C’mon! You’ve gotten with singers and supermodels, basically everyone. Is Ella another one of your conquests?”

“What? No!”

“I’m not stupid! I know your reputation, you go from one girl to another.”

“Well, then you don’t know me at all!” You were now getting frustrated. You hated when people judge you just because of what they see from the media. You can’t blame them though, that’s all people know you from.

“What’s going on here?” Ella walks back in, drinks in hand, confusion on her face.

“Nothing. Just getting to know—”

“—Actually.” Mary cuts Alessia off. “I just wanted to make sure she is good for you. Based on all the girls she’s been with, I don’t think she is.”

“Okay, that’s enough Mary!”

“I’m just being realistic!”

“No, you’re being an asshole judging my girlfriend from things you see on the internet. You should know not to believe everything you see online. The both of you.” Mary and Alessia looks down in shame. “Also, if you haven’t noticed, she’s been out of the media for two years so everything you’ve seen was from a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that she’s been with half the population before you!”

“It does when you find out that that isn’t true at all.”

“What?” Alessia’s voice was soft but heard.

“My name is-was a brand by the label. I was legally blinded to do what they told me to do and the acting out, smoking, tattoos, those are the only ways I could take some control back, but I never took advantage of anyone. All those girls I’ve been pictured with, I’ve only slept with one until she left me because management wanted to keep the ‘bad girl’ image.”

You move to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from a refrigerator. Popping it open, you take a swig, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Two years ago, I decided to ‘run away’ to Manchester. Fired my whole team and just disappeared.”

“That’s when I met ‘er.” Ella cuts in, wrapping an arm around your waist, leaning into you. “Started dating two months after the countless dates she took me on and it’s been almost two years. She makes me really happy.” The last sentence was directed right at her friends.

“Okay. I’m sorry for judging you so quick.”

“Same with me. I’m sorry.”

“No hard feelings at all.” You give them both a smile. “Now since you’re both here, why don’t you stay for dinner.

The three perk up at the mention of food.

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 24)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (23)

Masterlist (other parts here)

(**It's my birthday so I figured I'd give y'all another chapter tonight :) **)

YFN woke and the first thing she felt was the soreness between her legs. Lucy had given her exactly what she needed into the early hours of the morning. She felt her sleeping Lucy behind her, arms and legs tangled, her head almost fully laying on the side of her own. She could feel her sleepy breathing in her ear and her heart melted. Sleepy Lucy. Vulnerable Lucy. Oh, the duality of their relationship. The ability to be so in love, so gentle, so kind and caring and thoughtful; and then the fucking. The aggression, the obsession, the instinctual need. It was something she never thought was possible in a relationship, yet here she was, the happiest she’d ever been.

And then she remembered that Lucy was leaving that night and saddened a little. She took a deep breath, telling herself she was just being dramatic and emotional. She stretched out as far as she could without waking her warm girlfriend and grabbed her phone. She hated being on her phone first thing in the morning, but it was going to be a good distraction for her until Lucy woke up.

She’d been in contact with the nine employees already, though none of them had met face to face yet. She sent the email she’d drafted the day before, inviting them all to their first meeting. Joe had suggested she could buy an office space, but YFN had declined as she didn’t think they were ready for that yet. Most of them would be in different places around the country, and so Zoom was their best option for the meantime. However, as the company was new, she and Joe agreed to rent out conference rooms instead whenever and wherever they needed.

The meeting she arranged was for tomorrow, in Birmingham. Joe had already sent her the details for the conference room she’d booked, and she added that to her invitation. Excited, she sent it out and then replied to a message from Jordan that said she was headed out for brunch with a few of the Arsenal girls before they left.

She skimmed through a few notifications out of the hundreds from the night before, and then felt a change in Lucy’s breathing as she slowly woke. She put her phone away as her girlfriend yawned and stretched against her, nuzzling her ear.

“Good morning, little one.” She could hear the happy smile in her husky voice.

YFN turned in her arms and pressed her lips to the base of Lucy’s throat. “It is when it’s with you.”

God, she was so warm and soft and cuddly. She placed tender little kisses up Lucy’s throat until she reached the soft flesh under her jaw. Her skin was so soft there. So vulnerable. She placed a few lingering kisses there and Lucy shuddered, her head tilted back so she could have all the access she wanted.

Then realisation of what the day would bring must have hit her because she groaned, her throat vibrating under YFN’s lips.

“Shhhh.” YFN whispered against her skin, moving her lips down and back up again, her bottom lip dragging behind a little. Lucy relaxed again and squirmed a little, letting a soft moan follow. She did it again, down and back up either side of her throat, over her pulsing arteries. Her lips found their way to the little dip between her clavicles and she kissed that spot, this time dragging her tongue gently up to the top of her throat. Lucy swallowed, obviously aroused, and trying to contain herself. But YFN didn’t want her to contain herself, because it was their last morning together, and she wanted to thank her after the night before. YFN’s hand found Lucy’s abs, tracing there as she tilted her head back so they were almost face to face. She took her bottom lip in between her teeth and tugged gently as she traced over Lucy’s lats, down the dip in her waist, and to her hip. She brushed her lips over Lucy’s teasingly, almost kissing her but not quite, while she let her hand glide over her ass, enjoying the size of it. She reminded herself to never let Lucy skip squat day. She loved her ass, especially in track pants. She grabbed it and kneaded it a little as her tongue traced over Lucy’s bottom lip. Her hand moved down to her thigh and around, softly tracing ever so slowly up towards where Lucy was a little warmer.

She loved that Lucy wasn’t even trying to stop her, she was letting herself be comfortable and vulnerable, something that she’d been working on with YFN. ‘You deserve to be loved too’, she’d said to her one night. It must have stuck with her because the Lucy she saw now was so much braver, so much more willing to be vulnerable. She kissed her as her fingers felt through her folds growing wetter by the second, and her tongue entered her mouth when her finger did. She just wanted to feel that warmth of her inside, that soft flesh, excited and swollen for her. She groaned against Lucy’s mouth because she could feel herself wettening at the feel of Lucy.

Her finger came out and moved upwards devastatingly slowly, her mouth tilting on Lucy’s to get better access.  She worked her finger up and down that little sensitive line running up towards her clit until she felt the frustrated whimper of her girlfriend into her mouth. Today, she’d give Lucy everything she wanted. Her fingers moved to her needy clit and Lucy gasped at the touch, YFN happily swallowing it as she began to rub circles in and around it. Lucy’s hips began grinding into her hand, desperate for more pressure.

“Patience, Luce.” She whispered into her mouth and rolled her onto her back, her lips and fingers not stopping their eager work. She put half of her body on Lucy in an attempt to stop her hips grinding but it only partially worked because fuck, Lucy was strong. Especially those glutes and thighs.

“I need..” Lucy moaned into her mouth. Her heart skipped a beat. Lucy was actually letting herself say what she wanted. What she needed. Letting herself put her trust in YFN.

“What do you need, Luce?”

“I think… I feel empty.”

YFN nodded against her mouth as they gasped into each other and YFN’s fingers moved back down without hesitantion, two sliding themselves home inside of Lucy.

“God, you feel so good.” She encouraged.

She knew she just needed the feel of something inside her and so her fingers stayed still inside, her palm meeting her clit and continuing her work. Lucy’s back arched under her, her hands gripped onto her so tight as she got close. Lucy’s whimpers moved to a higher and higher pitch, getting less optional and more desperate, the closer she got.

YFN moved her lips to her ear and murmured there. “Jordan’s not home.” Lucy shivered at that, eyes closed and letting her tension build up with an increase in her vocality. YFN’s mouth moved selfishly across her sharp jaw, down her neck and back onto the throat she loved so much, letting herself feel the vibrations that came with Lucy’s desperate noises. It only took another minute of intensified pace and pressure for Lucy to come, hard. She groaned and her body locked up, her insides clenching tight around YFN’s fingers, her nails digging into her back. YFN shivered in pleasure at the pain of her nails, her palm continuing its circling, though slowing and calming down. God, she loved the feel of Lucy’s body and the ability she had to control it. She felt her body relaxing slowly, riding that wave down enough for her to eventually stop her rubbing, and remove her fingers gently.

Lucy’s breathing slowed and her fingers relaxed, automatically caressing the spots she’s just had her nails in. YFN worked her lips back up over her jaw and she brought one arm under her, leaning her head on her hand above Lucy as she looked down at her. She wasn’t fully focussed, because she didn’t have her glasses on, but YFN could tell she was still excited, her eyes dark.

“How was tha-”

“Sit on my face.” She demanded.

YFN was taken by surprise, her eyes widening. “What?”

“You heard me. Now.” She took hold of her waist and encouraged her up as YFN scrambled to move upwards. She swung a knee over Lucy’s head, suddenly aware of just how excited their little play had just made her, and before she could even fully settle, Lucy had pulled her down onto her face. She gave a grateful groan into her clit as she ate her, no slow build, just straight into it like it was more for her own benefit. YFN cried out softly and her hips began their movement on Lucy’s face, getting more friction from her girlfriend. Lucy gave a grunt of approval as she held onto her. YFN leant onto the headboard, using it as an anchor to be able to better move her body against Lucy. God, that tongue. That mouth. It was desperate. One minute it was sucking on her clit, flicking it with her tongue, the next her tongue was circling around her hole, her tongue pushing in and out as far as she could get it. YFN couldn’t help the cries and whimpers coming from her mouth.

“God your tongue, Luce. Oh.. fuck.. you’re amazing. F..fucking amazing. Don’t stop. Y…yes right there…argh!”

YFN noticed then that only one of Lucy’s hands was on her hip and she swivelled her head to see the other she was using to rub herself. She moaned at the sight. Not on her watch.

YFN lifted herself off of Lucy’s face and swung her leg back over. Just as Lucy started to protest, she remounted her the other way, leaning forwards and dropping herself back onto her face. Lucy understood now. She pinched and flicked both nipples as YFN enjoyed this new angle, and then her hands slid to her waist as YFN leant down and took Lucy’s clit into her mouth. Lucy’s legs parted, her feet pushing onto the bed to try and buck her hips up into her mouth more. YFN’s hands gripped the back of Lucy’s thighs and she focussed on her girlfriend. She felt herself riding that wave but needed to get Lucy there just as quick. Her mouth and tongue continued their assault on her clit as her fingers entered her, slowly moving in and out. Lucy grunted her frustration and her hands moved up to the back of YFN, her thumbs pulling open her folds for better access with her mouth. Her mouth moved up to her hole, her thumb rubbing her clit until she decided she wasn’t happy with that and changed back. Her head tilted as it worked her clit, allowing her to slip a thumb into her for a few strokes. She groaned her frustration at her orgasm building again under the mouth and fingers of her little Australian and she moved her right arm up and around her thigh to thrust two fingers into her. YFN gasped, her body jerking forwards before she continued fucking Lucy. It was almost a competition as to who could get the other there faster, and Lucy loved winning. Plus she’d had the advantage of the face riding. Her fingers fucked in and out of her with obsession, the sound of the room was filled with wet fucking, gasping, whimpering, moaning into each other’s pussies. What a perfect morning.

YFN came first, letting out a cry but refusing to stop fucking Lucy towards her orgasm which came not too long afterwards. They worked each other down, ever the caring girlfriends, and then YFN rolled off of Lucy and onto her back. They laid there like that a little while, their faces glistening with excitement, their bodies spread out as if they were making snow angels, only connected by their little pinkies hooked around each other.

What a perfect morning, indeed.

They tried to make the most of the rest of the day. Everything was done slower, and more together than usual. Lucy was admittedly not the touchy type with people, only hugging people she was close to. However, it was the complete opposite with YFN. She was the exception. In fact, Lucy was trying to make an effort to stop being so clingy, despite her little Australian loving it so much. She wasn’t used to that yet.

They showered, dressed, and went for a morning walk to get Lucy her coffee. She didn’t realise, but Lucy had a specific task planned for the day and so after their walk, she pulled YFN around the apartment, asking her questions about things that would make her feel more at home. Listening and assessing, she drove them into town, the little Australian not knowing where she was going, but just coming along for the ride. They bought furniture she needed, and little things that she had said might make it homier. They bought the stuff home, and Lucy built the modern bedside tables while YFN put the other little bits around the place, like the shower caddy and the little skincare shelf for the bathroom, always letting herself admire Lucy’s building concentration as she moved past her. One of her favourite things was the diffuser and she’d picked out a vanilla, a musk, a black tea lychee, and a blood orange scent that reminded her of Lucy. She set it up on the first bedside table Lucy had made and walked back out to the living room, brushing her hand over Lucy’s shoulders as she passed.

“I think that’s it!” She smiled. “Now just the food shopping..”

Lucy shook her head from where she sat on the floor, legs apart and a half-made second bedside table between her legs. She pointed the screwdriver at a box she hadn’t noticed, because she hadn’t been there when Lucy had bought that. She’d been wandering the aisles, food shopping, wondering what Jordan would like to eat for dinner. And lunch. And in general, really. She didn’t know that side of Jordan yet, but she was excited to.

YFN opened the box that was clearly just there to hide what was inside. She smiled, her eyes lighting up as she lifted it out of the box. Lucy watched her little dimple getting excited at it as she stared, admiring it.

“It’s a peace lily.” She explained. “A bit of life for the apartment. I thought you’d like it..”

“I love it.” She whispered, turning it around and looking at all of it. She got excited even at the little things, Lucy had noticed. She was always grateful, and rarely expectant.

“It symbolises peace and tranquillity. She only needs water about once a week, and I bought a spray bottle so you can spray her leaves as well. She only needs a little sunlight so I thought she could sit on that shelf up there.” She pointed to the top of the bookshelf against the wall in the living room. “Needs to be kept high so Blu doesn’t get to it.”

Blu was Jordan’s dog, a little dachshund that was currently still at her parents’ house because Jordan had been so busy. She was yet to meet him, another little housemate.

Lucy continued. “And I know you will be all over the countryside with your work, but Jordan will look after it, if we leave a note on the fridge.”

YFN laughed at that. “Yes, Dory will need a reminder, that’s for sure. I’ll steal her phone and put a weekly reminder in, I think.”

Things started to move a little too quick then, their time slipping away from them. Lucy getting a flight reminder on her phone really dampened the mood. Lucy was finishing packing and YFN was trying to help but couldn’t seem to move beyond the pace of a sloth.

“Luce.. your toothbrush..” She said, holding out the little blue brush with a cap on it. It was just a toothbrush, but as she held it out to Lucy, she felt herself getting a little teary eyed. Lucy noticed and left her suitcase, walking over to comfort her girlfriend.

“I left it there on purpose..” She said, taking it out of her hand.

That certainly did it. Her little Australian couldn’t stop the tears as they started to fall, her lower lip trembling and her little dimple sad again. Lucy inhaled sharply, barely able to control her own emotions. She pulled her close and YFN settled in her favourite spot with her head on Lucy’s collarbone. “T…this is going to be healthy for us.” She admitted into her. “I… This… This is so intense. These feelings.. this wh..whole thing. Space will be good for us.”

Lucy nodded against her. They both didn’t want it, but they both knew she wasn’t wrong. “I don’t think either of us really knew what we were in for.” Lucy agreed huskily. They weren’t unsure about their relationship, they just knew that a little space may help them deal with it better emotionally. Perhaps they’d see each other again and be better at dealing with their feelings for each other. Perhaps it would be the complete opposite and they’d be desperate, obsessive wrecks, fucking and needing each other. Either way, a little space would help to draw out whichever one it was.

Their drive to the airport was mostly silent, their fingers tangled. YFN was unaware her hand was anxiously playing with Lucy’s, and Lucy was unaware she was stroking hers softly, calming down that anxiety. They checked Lucy’s bag in but she was unable to go further than that. It was an international flight after all. They found a little corner where they could have their privacy and that’s when Lucy finally succumbed to her emotions. YFN held Lucy’s head on her shoulder as she cried, needing some escape for her emotions. After a while, they knew Lucy needed to go through security or she’d be late for her flight. Lucy looked at her, eyes red and wiping the tears off her face. She kissed her then; passionately, desperately. YFN leant into it, accepting all of that love. Eventually they pulled away, foreheads pressed together for a while.

Lucy pulled something out of her carry on and gave it to her. YFN recognised it as the hoody she’d worn that first night she’d met Lucy. “Keep this.”

She took hold of it, hugging it against her for dear life. “Luce…”

“Take it. Wear it. I know you don’t like owing anyone, or things not feeling ‘even’, so I know you’ll bring it back to me.”

“That’s manipulative.” She laughed, wiping her tears.

“Come to Spain, little one.” Lucy begged.

“I will, Luce” She promised. “13 days.”

She nodded, “13 days. And then come to me.”

“I’ll be there.” She whispered, her fingertips stroking Lucy’s cheek.

“Promise me you’ll be careful. Promise me you’ll call me if you’re in trouble, or upset or… just.. I need you to be safe. Promise me.”

“I promise, Luce.”

Lucy’s lips trembled, but her next words were sure. “I love you.”

[creative-caramel-coffee]

I miss your writing😂 I need me some weems, now idk if you’ll consider writing age regression ? Bc I have another idea if you do.

So r is depressed bc they ran out of medication and forgot to refill it since they’ve become ill (me rn it’s horrid and messing with my head) no one’s seen or heard from r and weems has to do a welfare check. Here she finds a depressed and very sick reader. She knows of readers bad back ground (they are a shifter and was found hanging onto life after being abused in a facility like hydra for shifters) so when r becomes all clingy and very child like it confessed weems. R is so touch starved it’s insane, but with weems rn she’s like a child wanting and craving the affection just needing to be held. So naturally weems does that and that’s how she discovers the fever r has and that r ran out of her meds so weems nurses her better. Oh! Could also add r isn’t sleeping bc of nightmares due to their background?

Sorry for the long request and I’m not even sure it makes sense. I need my Damn pills lmao.

🕯️

A little sick

Pairings: Weems x Reader (platonic)

Word count: 1.4K

Summary: you're sick and regressed.

TW: agre? Sickness, depression, medicine (prescription),

A/n I’ve never written this kind of thing before so tell me if any of its wrong. Cute request tho :) let me know if you like it or want to see more of this kind of thing.

Part 2

Waking up and feeling like your bones were made of lead was not the way you wanted to start the day. It took all of your strength to pull yourself upright. Standing on shaky legs you wobble over to your dresser pulling out the pouch of pills that helped you with the aftermath of the facility and the depression it left. You knew firsthand how bad it could be to be a shapeshifter. Hunted and experimented on. You drew a deep breath pushing the thoughts away and exhaling slowly and shakily.

Unzipping the pouch, you frowned. All the blister packets were empty. You were out. You slouched dejectedly. It was going to be a long day. Yoko had already left for classes and to be honest you didn’t really think you could make it to the wardrobe to get changed let alone all the way to class. You sighed dejectedly and hobbled back to bed and laid down on your back staring at the roof. The feelings were getting harder to push away.

Your chest felt hollow, and you choked back a sob. The last time you were sick … was back there and to be honest you had no idea what would happen if someone found out here.

You zoned out feeling a familiar fuzzy feeling swallow your mind. You tried to push it away which only seemed to make you headache unbearable. The pain was what made you slip. Dropping hard, you felt your body shift. Soon the bed felt much bigger as you curled into a ball and cried. You were tired but scared to sleep, the nightmares seemed to be ever persistent.

You had no idea how long you had been crying, small sobs wracking the tiny body on the bed. Soon a knock sounded on the door.

Weems had had reports all day that you had been absent. Knowing your history with depression she knew it was imperative to do a welfare check as soon as she could. Looking at her calendar she swore. She had a copy if the nurses schedule for meds and prescription refills. Yours were out and it looked like nobody had picked up more for you.

She finally signed off the email she had spent the morning drafting to the mayor. Closing her laptop she toed on her heels, opting to take them off to give her feet a break when sitting and stood smoothing out her skirt. She hurried out the door and to your dorm. Hearing small noises inside she hesitated before knocking, she knew you were in there was was slightly terrified of what she would find inside the dorm.

Hearing the soft knock on the door you wiped a small fist over your eyes and sat up still silent tears running down your cheeks. You waited and heard the door open.

Weems peered into the dimly lit room; the windows still drawn. She saw a small lump on the bed and slowly walked over. The closer she got the more shocked she became. Why was there a toddler in the dorm and why did she look exactly like … y/n?

Small sad eyes looked up at her and sniffled. Weems stood awkwardly not really knowing what to do. She had a suspicion. She knew you were a shifter like herself. She looked down at you and it clicked. It made sense with the amount of trauma you had. You had regressed both physically and mentally to a child. Looking down at the sad child, you looked up at her and extended your arms.

“Up?” You asked with childlike innocence. Weems felt her heart melt. Gently she placed her hands under your arms and lifted you onto her hip. Almost straight away you buried your face in her neck, and she let out a soft gasp.

You were face too warm. Gently she peeled your face from her neck so she could look you in the eyes while she bounced you on her hip. You let out a soft whine at the loss of contact and weems shushed you as she placed a gentle hand against your cheek then forehead.

“Oh honey. Are you not feeling too good right now?” She asked. “Do you feel icky?” She said and you nodded and sniffled, the tears slowing.

“Alright. Well, we are going to get you some medicine then we are going to come back to my place for some sleep.” She said and you whined.

“No sleep.” You pouted and Weems frowned. “Cuddles?” You asked.

“Ok sweet girl you can have cuddles but why no sleep?” She asked.

“Mean dreams.” You pouted and she felt her heart break. Of course, you had bad dreams, that was almost assured with what you had been through. Why didn’t she think of that. Patting you back she used a hand to guide you back to her neck as you put your thumb in your mouth.

Weems winced knowing it probably wasn’t clean but there wasn’t much she could do about it right now and she preferred it to the crying. Holding you on her hip with one arm and the other on the back of your head she saw a small white fluffy thing under your blanket walking over and pulling out the stuffie you brightened as she tucked it between you and her chest as you wrapped you free arm around it.

“Alright honey let’s go get some medicine for you.” She said and left. She knew the school week enough to make sure nobody would see the two of you, God the rumours would be endless if students saw weems with a child. Careful to avoid any class windows Weems made it to the infirmary. As a shapeshifter herself she knew that the doses of medicine would need to match the physical size of the body. Balancing you on her hip she looked into your eyes.

“How old are you sweetheart?” She asked and you looked at her shyly holding up four fingers and puffing your chest out.

“Im four.” You grinned.

“Wow. Big girl huh?” She asked and you smiled wider.

Weems pulled out the bottle of medicine labeled 3-6 and any other supplies she would need. Carefully making her way back to her office she slipped back into her own quarters to take care of you.

You whined as she set you down on the couch but stopped as she lifted you back into her lap. You sure were clingy like this. Measuring out a dose of medicine Weems coaxed you into drinking it which made you stick your tongue out in disgust after.

“Yucky.” You said. Weems chuckled.

“Im sure it was sweet girl.” She said and stroked your hair. You buried your face in her chest and fisted your hands in her shirt.

“Alright bedtime. I think someone needs a nap huh?” She said and you whined.

“Nooo.” You said.

“Alright how about some cuddles instead?” Weems asked and you smiled.

“Cuddles?”

“Yes. Cuddles.”

“Yay cuddles.” You celebrated.

“Alright sweet thing lets go to my bedroom and we can cuddle.” She said knowing you would fall asleep in no time. Curling into her chest more and wrapping you small arms around Weems she felt her heart melt again as she ran her nails up and down your spine. You shivered and enjoyed the touch.

After a few minutes you seemed to be fighting sleep, eyes drooping before flying wide open again with a small whimper.

“Honey whats the matter? Why won’t you sleep love?” Weems asked softly.

“Bad dreams.” You whimpered softly and weems patted your back running her hands through your short hair. It was much shorter than normal probably from the shift.

“Honey, you need to sleep, I’ll be here the whole time. I won’t leave your side, ok? Do you think you could be a brave girl and get some sleep for me?” She asked softly.

Burrowing your face into her neck you nodded and shuffled around to get comfy. Weems knew either way based off how exhausted you seemed you would be asleep soon regards of what you wanted.

And as predicted after about five more minutes weems felt your breath even out against her chest and heard small snores coming from you. She smiled softly down at you and decided then and there she would never let anything hurt you again.

MASTERLIST

[missjoolee]

This is a mixture of shower thoughts fic and lying in bed after taking a sleep aid fic, so is it good? who knows. but apparently ao3 is down so enjoy! lol

Warning: not proofread at all.

the band has been working diligently to make a name for themselves and while they have a decent following, they’ve all had to take day jobs

on one of the days they are all working, julie almost misses a call form a record label that recently saw them perform and would like to sign them on

she says she is excited by their offer but would need to speak to the rest of the band first, to which they are understanding and even offer to email a pdf of the first draft of the contract to them to review and they can set up a time to meet if things look satisfactory

she rattles off the band email before ending the call and texts the band group chat before heading back to work after her break

“a label wants to sign us! contract in band email. can’t wait to go over it with you guys! <3 <3″

she feels her phone buzz with an incoming response as she’s walking back to the front of the store she works at and quickly checks it.

L- yes! rock n roll hall of fame, here we come!

as she is reading that, another texts arrives and she laughs at Luke’s impatience

L- emails not there yet :(

back at the front, the afternoon rush hits and julie doesn’t have time to check her phone, but she’s felt it go off several times in her work apron and, while she’s never hated the customer service industry, she absolutely cannot keep a giant smile off her face the whole rest of her shift

so she’s a bit blindsided when she finally gets to check her phone again as she grabs her things from her work locker and the first message she sees is

L- I’m not signing this.

it must be a real bad deal then. her heart sinks as she continues reading

A- ?

R- oooo bad money deal?

L- money is fine.

L- not a good fit for the band

A- how do you mean?

luke didn’t respond and the next message comes 20 minutes later

A- F that. i’m not signing either

R- guys. what is going on?

R- oh

R- okay, yeah no

by now Julie’s anxiety is starting to climb because how could it not be a good fit? this label is known for signing bands in the pop-punk genre. What on earth would make the guys turn this opportunity down? an opportunity they have worked blood, sweat, tears and years to get. How could they dismiss it so easily?

she needs some time to think (but does she really? it’s the anxiety talking) so instead of responding, she pulls her bag strap over her shoulder and begins walking towards the exit, tying her hair up in a real messy bun to keep herself from picking at her fingernails

The clouds in the sky are pinkish purple against the darkening sky as the sun is low enough to be blocked by the surrounding buildings. heat still emits off the parking lot pavement, alluding to the Hot summer days thar have fallen upon the city.

Julie takes a deep breath before heading to the employee parking

Luke is leaning against the back of her car

"Luke? What are you doing here? Is everyone okay?!"

"Yea, Boss. Everyone's fine," he reassures her before pulling her into a hug. "I just wanted to see that million dollar smile."

Julie can't help but smile

She holds him tighter as her thoughts quickly jump back to the contract. She questions him about the group chat. How could they possibly all be saying no?

His arms tense around her, before letting her pull back to look at his face. He reveals that the contract actually starts off pretty decent. The label just had one stipulation that was a deal-breaker.

What? What could possibly be a deal-breaker when the rest is that good?

"If we sign it, they'd be able to force the band to undergo cosmetic dentistry."

"Oh." Her stomach drops. She wants to look away from the boy she's described as having the perfect smile. Alex and Reggie are basically right there with him. She forces her hands to stay put, but they scream to cover her mouth, her face. Her eyes drift down and stop on his Adam's apple. This is about her.

One of his hands gently cups the side of her face, tilting it so she is looking up at him again. His eyes are sad.

She can't stand it. She can feel tears welling in her eyes "I- I could do it."

He's shaking his head vehemently before she can finish. "No, Jules! You are perfect and beautiful just as you are. If they can't see it, then they aren't the label for us."

"But-"

His other hand moves up to cup her face in his hands.

"Be who you are, don't compromise, julie. Fuck them."

Julie is overwhelmed in that moment. Tears break free of her lashes, but a laugh rings out as she pulls his face to hers.

His lips ground her and she cant believe how lucky she is to have such a supportive boyfriend. She pulls back and remembers the others immediate refusal to sign as well. She couldn't ask for a better band and family. She thanks her mom for the millionth time for bring them to her.

She sniffles from the tears but a smile is back on her face as she teases him. "Did you quote our own song at me just now? What a dork."

He's grinning back. "Well, the gal who wrote that line is pretty smart."

He pulls her to the passenger door "let's go home"

[my-castles-crumbling]

TO CAMP ANON

Hi love! Someone sent some advice to you, so I'm putting it under the cut because it's a bit heavy. I hope you're doing well <3

I’ve been keeping up with your tumblr and your asks and stuff, and I hope it’s okay but I had something to say to Camp Anon.

I sort of inferred the situation through your answers Cas. When I was a kid I was often in group at church with other “rebellious” kids. I know now that we were all the queer kids who hadn’t realised yet (credit to them, maybe some of them had) and then when I turned 16 and partly figured myself out I started getting invested in peoples stories.

By that point a lot of the kids I’d gone to church with were also closeted, and we started talking to each other about ourselves and our experiences.

And turns out a few of those kids went to conversion camps. The summers before and after I found out. 

One of the kids was a year older than me and is still a very close friend of mine. She’s actually taking a course to be a therapist now.

And there were a few things they said (and my friend still says when she decides to talk about it) that I thought maybe you should know. 

It seems like from Cas’ answers to the ask, that Camp Anon has been somewhere before and I presume is going somewhere else again this summer? (Parents don’t usually send kids the same place twice in a row)

Look, I have some advice that’s gonna suck but I think you should hear it. You need to know before you go to the camp what sort of level/type the camp it is. 

There are ways to find out and i’m gonna list some here and just do as much research as you can (safely) because if you’re unprepared it will be difficult to leave if you need to.

So the camp has to find away of telling parents what it’s like without directly saying it. It’s often found in quotes.

Theres a big difference between “helping your child” and “healing your child” and “fixing your child”. 

Helping usually means giving quotes and bibles and doing straight kid activities (whatever that means).

Healing usually means a lot of churchy sessions, “explaining” what’s wrong with you, being more delicate

And then fixing means being absolute dickheads. 

There should also be a website somewhere, or a form or something that your parents had to sign. Sometimes that can be over an email or sometimes it’s a letter. It’s just another way for the camp to cover their asses. Whatever is written inside it should give a vague message about the danger level, how many things they want to cover themselves for.

Also- about recording the camp. If you do decide to (no pressure, always prioritise your safety), focus on filming the other kids around you. If your phone is caught or found, if the videos start of silly with other kids in (as long as they know the risk of being caught with a phone too), it’s unlikely someone will scroll through all the videos, which will mean even if they’re deleted, you won’t rise too much suspicion. 

You can also hide videos in other places, like take a video you have and put it in a draft on your tumblr account, and then delete it from your phone. That can be done on Insta too. It does require internet but I assume you have mobile data.

Also camps without phones will still have wifi for adults, sometimes this is free wifi. If it is, don’t use it (if possible).

Also, sometimes the location of the camp on fliers won’t be the real location. For example, it might be the location of the church you go to, but the place you sleep might be one road over, so stay awake. Keep an eye on road names if you move from the location your parents dropped you off at (in case someone needs to come get you, and then can’t find you). 

It is illegal to say that being queer kids can be “fixed”. It’s against the law for camps to do this. Conversion therapy is illegal and wrong. Morally wrong and literally wrong. Not a thing. Doesn’t work. Total fucking bullshit.

And be careful. I know there’s a temptation to bring a weapon (like a knife) with you to these places, and it makes sense. But these kids have been through a lot, like you, and can be really depressed and have mental health issues. And you don’t want a kid to do something bad to themselves with a knife you brought with you to the camp. 

(Cas here: just remember if that ever happens, it's NOT your fault)

Just think it through. 

And be careful who you talk to, some of these kids believe the stuff they’re told. It’s not their fault but don’t assume everyone will agree with you about the situation. 

I don’t want to get too involved, I understand this is an overwhelming thing and reaching out just to talk about it was so brave. If you’d like I can ask my friend, who’s been to places like that, if there’s any personal advise she can give.  Or not, either way is fine. 

And finally, the area I grew up in had a terrible social services place nearby, and when you called the number for social services that school gave you, they’d just send someone from there. There was a kid I used to know who called social services on his family and the guy who showed up was friends with his dad. 

Idk if you have good social services or not but do some research first if you can ❤️

(Cas again: let me know if you want me to reach out to this anon to ask any questions or to get info from their friend! We support you <3)

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

WIP Wednesday

Dual Correspondence

Summary/the story so far: Sequel to Correspondence, established HotchReid, (for those who don't know) an AU where Reid never joined the FBI but worked as a consultant for the LA field office, met Hotch through that and fell in love long distance. Spencer now lives with Hotch and Jack in D.C. and the two are still happily enjoying what Rossi calls "the honeymoon phase" even though there hasn't been a wedding. Yet.

(Part 1)

(Unbeta'd, first draft (kind of), season 8-9ish)

(Takes place about two months after Spencer moved to D.C. to be with Hotch, and the team is out at a restaurant doing some much needed R&R/'team-building-if-Strauss-asks' for dinner. Except they are missing a certain Unit Chief, leaving Spencer to fend for himself with the team while they wait. Unbeta'd, first draft, season 8ish)

.

“Well, I’m not the greatest with bourgeois small talk.”

“You and Hotch had two years worth of nothing but small talk.” Emily raises an eyebrow at him over her own drink and then a mischievous glint catches in the dark depths of her eyes. “What did you two even talk about all that time?”

“Our unruly subordinates, mostly,” Spencer smirks, ducking to the side to escape another mischievous reach of admonishment from Morgan.

“But no, really?” Emily encourages, and her question gives him pause.

“Everything,” Spencer says with a smile. Near wistful in his remembrance. He ducks his head to hide the expression from his audience of seasoned profilers. “Too much to list.”

“That’s saying something for you,” JJ teases him.

“Yeah.”

The memories take him then. Of late nights, an abandoned online chess game and thousands of lines of text on a screen that go on for hours and hours. Talking about everything, and nothing, and filled with joy and companionship in between. Of calls that would go on so long they would fall asleep and still be connected long after, ticking away the seconds into the morning. Of emails and video calls, longing glances and whispered promises, aching dreams of someday and soon until finally they were… here. In the same place, for the very first time; in the same time zone, the same state and town and then living in the same house. Sleeping in the same bed. Where the nothing-yet-everything talks continued in that intimately small space between them as they lay side by side; still longing glances, still whispered promises, but no more soon. No more someday. Only now. Tomorrow. In the morning. After work. On the weekend. Promises kept and fulfilled and built upon. New memories made outside the text box on a computer screen. Spoken into existence and echoing in their ears, reminders of the oceans of time and distance they both have crossed to be…

Here.

“Yeah,” Spencer sighs, again – unknowingly repeating himself, and the whole table reacts in a wave of fond eye rolling and quiet not-so-tipsy laughter.

“You two are gross,” Emily concludes.

“Sweet,” Penelope corrects her.

“Disgustingly sweet,” Emily insists, then gestures to the group at large.” – and Hotch isn’t even here!”

Spencer was only too aware of that fact, but before he could feel his wistfulness darken and drag his mood down to sit heavily in his chest, a deep voice spoke from behind him.

.

“Yes, I am.”

.

Warm arms encircle his chest and shoulders, the familiar presence so welcoming and sudden the mere touch burns hot, and when Spencer turns to make sure his vivid memory recall isn’t playing tricks on his senses – he’s met with a kiss, warm and firm and so solidly there it takes his breath away. Still sends his heart racing. Because Aaron is there, sliding into the seat next to him, dark eyes only on him when he speaks. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting.”

“Don’t worry, we entertained ourselves just fine,” Emily responds, earning a half-hearted glare from her boss.

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Rude,” she scoffs, boldly. “We kept Spencer entertained, too!”

“I could hear you interrogating him from the parking lot,” Aaron scolds her...

.

(tbc...)

--

I am starting a new taglist for the sequel, as well as carrying over the people tagged from the first installment. If you would like to be added (or removed, for the veterans) please let me know via dm, ask, or comment here!

[trickster-shi]

WIP Updates

Been a while since I did one of these, and I should honestly be trying to sleep so this damn sore throat/respiratory crap goes away, but I just can't breathe when I lay down >_< however, I'm feeling a bit better than a couple days ago so I'll do this update and see if I can concentrate long enough to get some words in on at least one of these projects.

Project Zander:

I finished chapter five last night and sent it off to the beta readers. That one took a while to really come together to my satisfaction, especially the past scene. I had over 10k words on this chapter at one point before figuring out what it needed and cutting it down to 6500.

I am now working on outlining the next five chapters before I dive into chapter six.

Untitled Original Project:

I decided to scavenge some parts from Teenage Vigilante Witch and build an original story out of it. So far I like what I've got, which is about 4k words and needs a lot of outlining. Still keeping the found family aspect, but I'm doing a lot of world building and outlining to ensure it's a very different story from Teenage Viginate Witch. Looking back on it now, there was a lot of stuff I wish I'd explored in that first story, but it was written very fast and thrown up on archive to prove to myself that I could still write. I never intend to go back and edit or rewrite any of it, so I'm going to take the potential it had and put it into another story and take it a couple jogs to the left. Mostly, I'm going to be exploring that guilty/vigilante mindset with a spell amnesia twist that slowly pulls back to reveal a truth better left forgotten with a different take on found family. Still working out a lot of the details but I'm excited for it.

Home Across the Universe #10:

It's a little over 3k at the moment but I have notes and scenes in my email that I need to get and stitch together in the draft, so it's likely closer to 5k. Also, I already have the ending outlined and I'm excited to get to that since it's a cliffhanger I'm gonna get yelled at over. Looking forward to that. I may poke at this one today and see if I can get some more written on it.

Rabbit Come Home part 4:

Also a little over 3k written, I'm still outlining the scenes to make sure I include everything I need to so it's a satisfying ending. I'm shooting for this to be the end of the series and there are a lot of threads to tie off.

Into the Black, Episode 3:

Also sitting at 3k, this has a couple of chunk sitting in my email I need to stitch in as well. I haven't worked on it in a couple weeks and need to sit down and outline my scenes to figure out where it needs to go. I have a vague idea but not enough to work on, especially today with my mind being fried from sickness.

Untitled Sequel to the supposed Jurassic World/Teen Wolf Oneshot:

I told myself it was a one shot and I believed it for a while, but a plot bunny bit me after a recent rewatch of Fallen Kingdom and I now have...5,515 words of a sequel. It goes a bit AU from Fallen Kingdom because I had high hopes for the promises that movie set up for Dominion that Dominion just did not deliver for me. I'm still let down about that, apparently. I'm aiming to keep the story small in scale, but it was fun pitting Stiles against dinosaurs the first time and this sequel has him showcasing some more of his smarts while injured and a little delirious from pain meds, so it should be entertaining.

Aaand, that's all I've been working on lately. Hoping to get the next Home Across the Universe oneshot finished and posted first, though I'm not making any promises or predictions on when that will be. Hopefully I can scrape together enough brain cells to work on it today and get it closer to the end scene.

[aperfectangelgirl]

draft of a letter i may or may not send one day

[addressed to: (first name) (maiden name) (parents’ house)]

hey.

i am going to start by apologizing.

the last time we spoke, i sent you a screenshot of your husband viewing my profile on linkedin. i was not nice about it. i am sorry for the anger you received, especially because the anger i’ve felt since november 2023 was never for you. we all know from therapy that anger only masks other emotions. i’m sure i don’t have to spell out that i was hurt when you decided to stay with him. i was not surprised when you weren’t nice back. being reminded of a traumatic event does suck, and so does receiving an angry text when you’ve done nothing wrong in that instance.

it was almost satisfying, though, to receive your anger. your anger masks another emotion, too. it was nice to think it might be hurt over what happened. not that i want you to hurt. but i do want to believe i still mean something to you.

anyway, i want you to understand why i sent you that screenshot. and why i called you delusional. i stand by that, by the way. feel free to stop reading there. i won’t blame you. this whole communication is self-serving of me to begin with. you don’t need to read more than you feel able to.

the events of november 2023 - to refresh your memory, because i’m not sure what you’ve had to tell yourself or what he told you to minimize things - were that your husband had been closely monitoring my tumblr page for at least six months and downloading my (mostly clothed) lewd work pictures. he had to have been checking almost daily to catch those before i deleted them. he then anonymously messaged me on tumblr saying “it’s a shame there’s nothing of you getting fucked on your blog.” anonymously. i responded with my link, and he created an account (which requires entering a lot of info, email, card info, etc. it’s an intentional action with many opportunities to stop), paid for it, and then clicked through my content and had to download each and every photo and/or video you found saved on his desktop. (there’s no mass download, btw. it’s not meant for download. it’s illegal. most likely he had to screen cap and/or screen record, crop, title, save. once again, many opportunities to stop.).

after you told me about this, you said that paying for porn was a hard line in the sand for you (which clearly it is not). you said you were going to divorce him. i was relieved; i’d been telling you for so long that he was verbally and emotionally abusive. you agreed. you told me how he punched walls and desks and tables and we both know that is one step removed from punching you. i thought, at least the psychic damage i am about to take is worth it. she’ll be free.

after you took it back, and i told you i didn’t see a way to be friends anymore, things got real weird for me. i was sick - physically sick - for ~9 days. i couldn’t eat, sleep, or work. i was not only grappling with the complete and total loss of my longest relationship and one of my dearest friends - even if i hadn’t cut you off, we were ruined. how could you ever look at me and not want to blame me? how could you look at me and not remember what happened? i was also grappling with what he did. you didn’t like the word stalk, but what else would you have me call it? an obsession? a fascination?

anyway, have you ever been stalked before? closely followed? an object of fascination? this wasn’t necessarily my first rodeo, but certainly my most harrowing. the most personal. obviously i blocked him everywhere i could think to (except linkedin…) and i removed his family members from everything, too. i only soft blocked you at first; but i hard blocked you when i realized many abusive spouses force access to their partners’ socials. i didn’t know what accounts of yours he had access to. i couldn’t let him see me on his accounts, or yours, or any burner accounts. i shut all of my shit down. if it couldn’t be private, it was deleted. i didn’t want to block you. i can’t emphasize enough, this burning feeling of *i cannot let him see me.*

*i cannot let him see me.* this person who broke down someone i loved so much, this person who single-handedly ruined an 18 year relationship by being a fucking pervert, this person who verbally and emotionally abused my *sister* and would likely continue to do so with me out of the picture, no longer whispering in your ear about what he is…. no, *i cannot let him see me.* i can’t. i CAN’T.

so that, my dear e, is why i sent you that screenshot and my anger. you didn’t deserve my anger. i know you feel like you can’t live without him. sunk cost. stockholm syndrome. whatever. but the fear, the frustration, the exhaustion i felt at thinking i had all of my bases covered, that i was invisible, i was out of his reach, this person who destroyed something so important to me, only to realize he was finding one more way to peek over the proverbial fence? oh no, i couldn’t just let that go.

i was also, selfishly, hoping that showing you he was still looking at me would be your last straw, maybe. because why the fuck would he need to be checking on my linkedin? i’m serious, e. give me one good reason. he is not my friend. he is not in my industry. he has no business AT ALL seeing what i’m up to, after all of the bullshit. none. what did he tell you? did you believe him, or did you sweep it under the rug with the rest of the skeletons from his closet?

this is getting long winded. one more apology, then what i really wanted you to know, and then i’m done. i promise.

i am sorry i had to cut you off and leave you to process what happened without me. i don’t see how else things could’ve gone. i would have been a constant reminder of what happened if i’d hung around. what exactly was i supposed to say? “sorry your husband was a little obsessed with me”? and of course, you let his violation of my privacy (public link or not, he downloaded my shit. illegal.) and our relationship go completely unpunished. not to mention the itching, burning feeling of keeping him away from me. there was no way for us to proceed. but i really, truly am sorry that you had to go through that without me. i know it sucked to go through my part without you.

what i really wanted to say, now that i have overexplained myself and you’ve probably stopped reading.

i hope you find happiness. i hope you want better for yourself, someday. i hope you are healthy. i hope that you have someone to support you through the current state of our country. i hope you don’t think that i ever stopped loving you. i grieved you harder than i’ve ever grieved before in my life. the grief still comes and goes; i still think about you. i still wonder if we can ever reconnect. that’s not possible while you’re with him, of course. so we probably can’t.

i hope we can, and i hope you leave him someday. but i know better than that.

take care of yourself.

love,

b

[aireterra]

So I cleared some data on my laptop and it seems I needed to log into the email I've been using before so that the settings I've used ever since will still be the same and the bookmarks to be imported.

However, I seem to have forgotten the password. It doesn't seem to be linked to my current phone number and other accounts so I can't just get another password.

I often leave a note on accounts and passwords somewhere. Be it my diary (physical and digital), journal, keep notes, emails, messages, etc. So I went to browse those.

I started with email drafts. But I only found my gaming account password there. I checked Google Keep Notes but it wasn't there as well. There were only birthday dates, lists, and poems there o⁠(⁠(⁠*⁠^⁠▽⁠^⁠*⁠)⁠)⁠o. After that, I checked the Twitter DMs I sent to myself. Still, it's not there. I checked SMS and Messenger too but to no avail.

My journals didn't have it as well so I checked my digital diary (the Luna app). I found a few interesting entries there from 2020. Young me is sort of naive it seems. She liked listing her likes on that said diary. She talked about the books she have read and even had a list of them. I don't remember some of the titles ngl. But I wanna comb through that list again. Might help me get to know my past self again?

Anyways, my search there was also futile so I opted to browse through my last resort which are my screenshots. There I did find my app passwords but I didn't find the one I particularly need. I also got distracted by some of my screenshots because I found the messages I've written but never sent there. I used to do that. Type messages, screenshot it, and clear the said message. I kinda wished I'd sent them but I'm also glad I didn't. I also found convo screenshots there and that's when I realized that the password I'm looking for must be on a message I sent to myself on my previous Facebook account which I've deleted instead of deactivating, thinking that I can just restore it before 30 days. But I've failed to do that so the account got lost forever. The convo screenshots I have made me wanna reread the whole convo but I cannot access that anymore. I kinda regret deleting my account now😭. But there were also message convos that I didn't wanna remember. So I'm a bit conflicted. I kinda wanna delete my whole screenshots folder now but I know how bad of an idea that is.

The password searching journey lead me to realize how unrecognizable the past version of myself is. Ngl, it was sort of triggering. I don't know what to feel about it all. It makes me both wanna destroy my phone and reacquaint with my past self at the same time. My past self is still me, yes. But God knows how different we are. Suisjddjdisijejdn. The urge to delete the folder is really strong. I stopped browsing it halfway for reasons unknown to me. I just can't seem to find it in myself to read more of what's there. There were some wholesome SS there like quotes, highlighted sentences from an ebook, a manga screenshot, playlists, recommendations, drama and anime quotes, and some interesting and important infos. But still, I don't really know what I don't wanna see in there. Maybe just the convos? Or yjyktkrkdkf... Nvm. I'm rambling due to lack of sleep. Hope I forget everything tomorrow.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Hot Summer Nights, End of July (27.07.24)

Hold up! I should have started writing this in the morning to dump my thoughts. It's the middle of the day now and my thoughts got fuzzy. I'd try to get it done!

July is done in a few days and I think I should have written down something because it's been what a month.

So let me recall what happened in this one month. At the end of June, I went to shoot a video for Ud for Marugame. I also invited Samphors too. It was a cute little reunion.

The surprise that got me the most was receiving the email that I've been shortlisted for an AAS interview! I knew that was going to change the trajectory of my July.

The first week of July, I dedicated the time to preparing for an interview with WeduShare about my experience during YSEALI. I did okay I guess, there were some parts I should have listed down to talk about during that time but it was my first time! They were very caring as well.

That weekend I also prepared for additional video shooting for 606 as well. I did the props and set up and shot the video. I also met up with Knk and Ps to start the preparation for AAS. It was an exhausting week.

the 2nd week, I got to meet with Roger for the 2nd time for his visit this time! I also met with STHDA and LOR. It was a cute and fun reunion.

I spent the 2nd week editing the videos for the program. It was really time-consuming I supposed. I also got the go on a 3rd date with someone. He was really great but I just wonder does he looks only for fun or something serious.

The panic kicked back in on the 3rd week. I only started drafting answers for the interview this week! I did a mock interview with my coach. It was fine, but I knew I didn't do my best. Then there was also another training with 606, and I got to meet up again with PS and KNK. That was the start of real preparation, we met 3-4 times and I could feel my answers for the interview got better every time. It was also a different experience of course. It was polishing every answer.

There came the interview yesterday morning. I never had an interview this early at 8:30 AM. I also glammed up at 5:30 for the interview. It was okay, but I feel like I didn't answer with the energy and charisma I knew I could! Was it because of the lack of sleep?

I slept at 1 the night before and I could feel that I really lacked some energy. There's nothing I can do about it now but it's still going through my head.

I was quite anxious about my preparation for the interview day, but then one mindset set me up so much better. It was about being authentic. I've lived my life battling with the concept. If I was being genuine about my intention and still wasn't chosen, then maybe it wasn't meant to be? The panelists were also elder people who just wanted to know about my stories and my motivation and really wanted me to win.

The most important of all, life goes on, if I've been chosen or not, I still need to work on my goals and projects. They're not going do itself.

So what's my plan now? I'm going to start building my portfolio to lead up to my establishing my agency, at the same time building up PPUB as well.

This time, I don't care about other people's opinions, I'm going to try my best, even if I don't succeed, I still won't regret.

[mtravelsize]

Oh boy..

I deleted 100 posts for when I started this almost 15 years years ago. I think I want to go in a new direction. This will hold my hopes, dreams, random thoughts, angry ramblings, and anything else I gosh darn please (and maybe some cuss words here and there out of anger). I miss this. Like talking to someone that listens without judgement. Most of the time I just need to talk things out. Think things through...

This past week was scary. I hadn't felt like this in a while. It could most likely be the lingering hormones from a recent miscarriage, but I genuinely had this flood of emotions that I didn't know how to describe. I had started to open myself to friendships this past year and made a friend at a co op I'm a part of. It started out so wonderful. This woman is probably a decade older than me but that didn't matter. I've always gravitated towards older people ( maybe they're more mature...maybe they give off the "older sister" vibe) Who knows. Anyway, I think I gave up too much of myself. I think when people say things like "you're like a sister to me" I should run the other way. It's never that way. Sisters don't go no contact. When someone says that, I genuinely believe this. But maybe that's the naive part of me. This friendship broke me. I was reminded of I. How I gave up so much of my heart to this person and she just... I don't know. I hate FEELING this much. Looking back, I think we were too alike. She took offence to a question that didn't mean to be offensive. But then I think I ruined it by communicating how I was feeling. I did that with I as well. With her I had sent her an email. With A, I decided to just speak to her directly. I assumed that since she was older she would appreciate it. It definitely backfired. I cried on the way home. 3 kids sleeping in the back and I'm over here, sobbing while sitting in traffic. If someone was able to peek in, they'd think I was upset about a traffic jam. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's horrible! But not enough to cry about it..... So that happened, and F was offshore. The only people I could confide in was a fairly new friend.. I told her and she helped me deal with the feelings. She didn't have to, but that was very nice... Fast forward to last week. We we fasting for Dhul Hijjah that same friend and another friend had decided we would go to the park to open our fast as a family. It would also be a mini grad party/Juz finish party (because yo girl F finished memorizing a Juz). Because of weather we had decided to do it at one of our houses and I offered up mine because why not. Everyone came over and it was one of the best evenings I've had in a while. I'm sure no one else thought that but to me, it felt so...normal. This was also one of the few times where the husbands also hung out with each other and it looked like they enjoyed themselves. Alhumdullilah for that btw.... So when everyone left, I was left with my depressive thoughts. Anyone that knows me, they know that 1) it takes me a while to get me to open up to you 2) When I do, I'm all in. It takes a little while but then I'm loyal for life. Now I'm having all these feelings. Most of them are teen Maryam feelings. Pessimist Maryam feelings. I'm sitting there with a text message draft, ready to send out.. Thanking them for coming etc. I just could NOT send it. Almost like something was preventing me from sending it. I change the window to Instagram and see how the co op woman and her daughter (whom I was friends with as well) have deleted me off instagram (how mature, right?) I immediately turned off my phone and put it away. I went MIA for a few days and I feel horrible now. I feel horrible because I think they...my friends.. were genuinely worried about me. But again, it was only 2 days. That's messed up, though. I probably shouldn't have done that.

F doesn't understand this. To him, family comes before everyone else. I never had that luxury. There's too many family members that go no contact over the most useless things. MT was never really at an age where I could just be like "lets go for dinner" or something. We also argued a lot.

For me, friends end up being more precious. But he also says I wear my heart on my sleeve for my friends. I don't think that's always a bad thing. Doing so makes you vulnerable, but it also means that it lets the other person get close to you.... Lets see how this goes. I hope I don't eff these new friendships up.

[sholtiscapstone]

No. 5 Progress Update!

Hey, everyone! 

I hope you’re all doing well with your projects so far. Time is flying by and we’re almost at the end. For me, things haven’t been exactly what I wanted them to be in terms of timing but I’m still feeling confident I can get this wrapped before our last week deadline. It’s been taking some hours away from my sleep but that’s all worth it lol, and not that big of a deal. 

As for any hurdles I’ve faced, I’ve had some personal things take me away from my time on the project. I’m putting the time back into it though, and I’ll get everything back on track in no time. Realistically, I believe we still have so much time left to accomplish things, so if you’re stressing over our time frame, don’t worry about it. It’s better to be patient and finish the race a little bit later than you expected you would, then to give up and not finish at all. 

I’m also feeling more confident I can get things done quicker now after my check-in meeting with Sharla today. Lately, I’ve been gathering footage from the films my interviewees mentioned as I was considering adding in the characters they speak about in our conversation, but Sharla recommended that I should avoid doing that, as it takes away from the discussion. Super good advice, and it also helps me just focus on editing my interviewees. I’ve already chopped up the episodes, but the hardest part overall is adding in the different angles to the correct time. It’s a very meticulous task. Also, color-grading them to appear similar has been tricky, as I feel like my eyes have been bugging out on me. Thankfully, I have friends I can use as guinea pigs. 

Moving on, another topic that came up during my meeting with Sharla was my YouTube page that I’m going to be doing my posting on. I made one tonight and plan to upload everything there, so I’ll link it on my account for future reference! 

Then, for my visual component of this update, it’s a little different than a straightforward attached image. Instead, I’m going to link a project I did last semester in a short film class. I was lucky enough to have the chance to try and do a rough draft of what I wanted my capstone to look like back then. It’s awesome to see how much it’s changed since then. Instead of doing one-on-one interviews it’s now a group project, there’s no outside footage, and the questions aren’t the same either, as my new talk story series allows the interviewees to guide themselves more than anything. I can’t wait to do a full reflection on this experience because the change is pretty significant, but I love my current concept way more, which I didn’t think would happen lol. 

Females in Frame - CM 353 cut

Other than that, I’m getting back to work and planning to spend a few more hours tonight editing since I’m off of work tomorrow, so much sleep isn’t required. I hope you all are on track with your projects and seeing the results you want. And again, if anyone needs help feel free to reach out to me for whatever. You can email me through Laulima if need! :)

[stressedlawsecretary]

Today's Focus

12.13.23 - Thank god I am remote today; I was so cold and tired when I got up I booted up my comp and went back to bed. Considering the only email I've gotten in the first hr and a half is one from the Benefits division I think I'm okay.

Work - Stephanie has me working on these trial notification letters for defendants at another CF, but like. I have less than half a dozen letters to do, they're all one page, she gave me the draft wording since they're all the same letter, and she doesn't want them until after the 19th - so like a week or so. I'm not rushing is all I'm saying.

Background Noise - Starting the day with 99 on the Watch Later, and I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm under 100 videos at this point (though just barely; but that's not entirely accurate I have videos on there I've watched that I haven't removed yet as well) but I have to temper that with the fact that I'm remote working and therefore will have the DVR on all day.

Having completed about 15 videos yesterday, I feel like I'm doing pretty well catching up on some things here.

Study - It is visual study day so I'm going to target my DVR watching to my saved news programs, mostly. I have one documentary movie and one episode of a documentary-type show on the list as well. The non-visual study is going to consist of trying to read the like 8 press releases I haven't gotten to yet, and at least three (3) environmental conservation articles.

I did poorly yesterday as well, only reading one page of the background of Emmett Till's FBI investigation before the website crashed on me. Then I went to read some articles and realized I needed to reorder a whole lot of stuff to make that more manageable.

Extras - I have a handful of chores (catbox, finish the bathroom, kitchen stuff) but other than that I am focused on writing and organizing so that I can game later and watch fun things.

The ideal afternoon/evening looks like: getting the chores done, writing while I finish up work & organize some work folders, starting dinner, finishing off the tree while I watch cartoons with dad & hunny as dinner cooks (it's a casserole), watching tokusatu while I eat dinner with hunny, then gaming and maybe more writing before watching silly show and going upstairs to my girlroom to do my girlthings (skincare & stretching while watching wrestling). Then meditation before snuggling in to sleep.