#I need roman 100% breaking down if he ever saw Dean again

[taydaq]

💙💙 Tagging: @thewarlordsworld, @imabillyami, @romoxsquad, @sickfxckmox, @cookiethewriter, @jackforshort, @catboymansion, and @chatterskull.

[scuzmunkie]

Love is Blind: Chapter 4

A/N: My darling little pumpkins!! Thank you so much for all the love and support!!! Here’s chapter 4!! As always, lmk I there are any mistakes! I really appreciate all the feedback and reviews! Lmk if you’d like to be added to the tag list!! Enjoy!!

Seth Rollins x Blind OFC

Warnings: Language, feels, there’s a bit of an uncomfortable scene (slight  sexual assault) so it might be triggering for some so please don’t read if it’s uneasy for you!! I want to make sure all my readers are happy and comfortable!

Word Count: 2000+

Summary: Seth was Lily’s world, she was foolish enough to think that she was his. That is until he leaves her behind in pursuit of his dreams. What happens when fate throws them together again years after the heartache and tears? How can Lily see past the pain of the past when she can’t see at all?    

+++

Lily hummed to herself, as she slaved away in the kitchen when she smelt the sweet perfume of Renee.

“Hey Re-Re!” She said, popping a strawberry in her mouth.

“Hey! Whatcha doin?” She asked as she side hugged Lily. She looked down and noticed that Lily was wearing Seth’s favorite A Day to Remember T-shirt. “Did you steal this from Seth?” She asked with a giggle.

“Well... I mean, steal is a strong word, I look at it more as borrowing. And to answer your question, I thought I’d make Seth a birthday cake and double it as a six month anniversary cake.” Lily answered, holding a frosting covered spatula out to where Renee’s voice was. “Wanna taste?”

Renee eagerly took the tasty treat bringing it to her lips and indulged in the chocolaty goodness.

“Mmmmmm!! Oh, wow, he is gonna love this. Lucky bastard...” Renee said with a mouth full of frosting.

Lily couldn’t help but smile at the life she was living. She had an amazing group of friends, a major she loved and a wonderful boyfriend. Never in a million years did she think she’d be so lucky. Seth made her feel safe, like she could do anything. He didn’t see her as broken like so many had before. Their relationship hadn’t had any speed bumps accept when jealousy reared it’s ugly head a few months ago.

—-

Lily was waiting for Seth outside the weight room when she was struck by an overly strong scent of cologne. She crinkled her nose, feeling dizzy from the overwhelming aroma. There was another scent that was just as heavy, alcohol. She suddenly felt an arm draped around her shoulders.

“Well, well, *hiccup* well. If it isn’t Sethie’s little blind bitch.” He said, his breath fanning over Lily’s face. She new that voice, it belonged to Micah. Seth came home about a week ago fuming. He didn’t say anything, just grabbed her and held her for hours. Later on Renee told her that Micah was insanely jealous of Seth to the point where he purposely tried to injure him when they sparred, resulting in coach kicking Micah off the team.

“What do you want, Micah?” Lily asked, trying to make her voice as steady as possible but failing miserably.

“I was just admiring the view. That a problem?” His words slurred.

“Um, actually yes, I don’t exactly like it when people stare at me.”

She felt him move closer, his lips brushing against her ear as he whispered, “What if I told you I don’t care?”

Lily shivered, fear creeping its way down her spine.

“Please, just leave me alone. Seth will be out here any minute!!” She tried to walk away only to be pulled back and pinned against a near by wall.

“No one cares. What’s so great about him?! He’s just a punk ass bitch. Stay and play with me!” He said with a cruel laugh. His grip on her shoulders tightened causing her to wince in pain. When she tried to push him off he violently grabbed her wrists with one of his hands and pinned them above her head.

Lily began to panic, tears streaming down her face as his free hand started exploring her body and felt his drunken lips on the sensitive skin of her neck. She mustered up all the strength she could, taking a deep breath.

“SEEEEEEETH!!!!” She screamed at the top of her lungs.

—-

Seth was bench pressing with Roman and Dean, laughing about some lame ass joke Dean made at Roman’s expense, when all three men’s heads snapped towards the door at the sound of Lily screaming for Seth. They ran out of the door and found Micah with his disgusting hands all over Lily. Seth saw red, his blood boiling, he charged Micah, grabbing the back of his shirt and threw him onto the ground. He pounced on him, landing punch after punch to Micah’s face. He would’ve kept beating him until he heard his angels voice.

“Seth, please...” She softly pleaded. He looked over his shoulder seeing Lily reaching her arms out in his direction from the safety of Roman’s arms. His heart immediately melted. He stood and pulled her into his arms, one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, his free hand cradling her head as she clutched his shirt, crying into his chest.

“It’s ok, pretty baby. I’m here now. You’re safe, you’re safe.” By this time, coach was there with the local authorities slapping handcuffs on Micah.

That night Seth held Lily as close as humanly possible, comforting her when she woke from nightmares from the horrific events earlier that day.

—-

She was brought back to reality when she heard Renee walking and the sound of papers rustling.

“What is this? ‘The Bed Song’ ?” Renee asked, looking at sheet music and lyrics printed with braille under each word.

“Oh, that’s a song I’m working on with Amanda. She needs help now more than ever since Brian and her went separate ways. Now she’s concentrating on a solo career.”

Renee read over the lyrics and couldn’t help but tear up a little. Lily heard Renee sniffle and slowly made her way over to the blonde.

“You ok, sweetie?” Lily asked as she wrapped her arms around her friend.

“Yeah, it’s just kinda sad.”

“Oh yeah, I bawled like a bitch when I first read it.” Lily admitted, giving Renee one last squeeze as before she went back to the task at hand. She frosted the cake and cut the strawberries.

“Hey, Renee? You wanna come help me decorate?”

“Absolutely!” She answered as she dipped a strawberry in the extra frosting. The two girls laughed and chatted with each other as they finished the cake.

—-

Roman and Dean sat in Dean’s apartment watching Seth pace back and forth.

“What the hell am I gonna do?! How do I break the news?!” Seth asked his friends, praying they had the answers.

“Wait, you still haven’t told her yet?!” Roman asked, feeling himself getting pissed off. He, like Seth, Dean and Renee, had grown very close to Lily and he thought of her like a little sister. He was very protective of her and he knew this would hurt her.

“I mean, she loves you, right? She should be ok with it. I mean this is our dream! Working at WWE has been our goal since we were kids!!” Dean said.

“You don’t think I know that?! Did they tell you when we need to report?! Six days, man, SIX days!! This is gonna shatter her.”

“Well you should’ve told her when we all found out two months ago, dumbass!!” Roman countered.

Seth finally sat down, putting his face in his hands. “This is gonna break her heart.” he mumbled.

Dean sighed next to Seth, “Better just treat it like a bandaid man...” just then Dean’s phone went off.

“Hey doll, what’s u- easy... Yeah, he’s here... what do you mean ‘late’?”

“OH SHIT!!! I’m supposed to be with Lily right now!! She said she had a surprise for me. DAMNIT!!” With that he hauled ass out the door.

“This is gonna blow up...” Roman said sadly.

—-

Lily sat at the table in her favorite little black dress, her hair done and makeup on, courtesy of Renee. Seth was supposed to be here over an hour ago. Was he ok? Oh gosh, what if Micah got out and did something horrible to Seth?! Just as her worse fears started to plague her mind she heard the front door open.

“Baby, I am so sorry!! I lost track of time!!” He said as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek. He closed his eyes, taking in her scent. Something he was sorely going to miss. Lily could sense something was off. He felt rigid, stressed almost. He sat down across from her and finally took in her appearance. She got all dolled up just for him.

“Wow, you look beautiful, babe.” He said with a mesmerized smile.

“Seth?”

“And this cake! It looks and smells amazing!”

“Seth?!”

“Y’know what? I’ll grab us some plates, forks and a knife and we’ll cut this bad boy up.” He said, going to stand.

“SETH!” Lily said sternly, stopping Seth in his tracks. “What’s wrong? You’ve been off these past couple days and I’m worried.”

Seth just stared at her. How did she always know what was up with him? He sighed, it was now or never. Lily could hear his fingers tapping nervously against the table, like he was fighting an internal battle in his head. She reached her hand across the table feeling for his hand, gently squeezing it when she found it.

“Seth, whatever it is, you can tell me, we’ll get through it together.” She said, giving him a reassuring smile. Placing his other hand on hers, he decided that it’s time.

“Ok.... Dean, Roman and I, um, got signed by the WWE for the NXT division so I have to drop outta college and report to WWE headquarters.” He said in one breath, dreading her reaction. She jumped up from her seat causing Seth to stand from his chair and watched her as she felt her way to him.

“THAT’S AMAZING!!! I’m so happy for you!!” She exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck!! “Why were you so scared to tell me?!” She asked, giggling. Seth kissed her forehead before placing his on hers.

“Because... I have to leave in six days.” He felt her slightly flinch in his arms. Meanwhile, Lily felt her heart shatter and her world crumble. But she refused to be the reason he didn’t chase his dreams. No, she’ll do what she does best, support him 100%.... even if her heart was breaking on the inside. She mustn’t be selfish. She kissed his cheek and walked towards their bedroom. Seth knew he screwed the pooch by not telling her sooner. He chased after her, ready to plead, grovel and beg for her forgiveness, but to his surprise he saw her smiling, pulling clothes from his drawers.

“Um, baby, what are you doing?” He asked, still worried.

“You’ll need all your favorite clothes, not to mention we need to get you a new workout attire, these are practically threads and patches.” She said, holding up his spandex pants. Seth felt his heart race, just when he didn’t think he could love her more, she pulls something like this. He watched as she puttered around the room, gathering his things, when she walked in with a laundry basket full of clothes fresh from the dryer. She felt their fabrics, separating her clothes from his when she came across his T-shirt she was wearing earlier that day. That’s when the first tear fell. She held it close to her chest before folding it and placing it on their bed. Seth grabbed her wrist, taking the shirt from her hand.

“This is yours, babe. I want you to have it, wear it when you’re missing me.” He whispered, kissing her temple. It was then he noticed the tears in her eyes. He turned her in his arms and held her close. He knew that she was putting on a brave face for him. He didn’t deserve her, but he needed her.

—-

“I’m so scared, Renee. I feel so fearless with him. What am I gonna do by myself?” Lily said, lying next to Renee on Lily and Seth’s bed. “I mean, he’s leaving tomorrow.... oh my gosh, I must sound so selfish!! How are you doing? Are you gonna be ok with Dean leaving?!” She asked, realizing that she wasn’t the only one hurting right now. Renee snuggled closer to Lily, sad about what she was about to tell her.

“Um, I actually got a job with the WWE as well as a backstage interviewer.” She said, biting her thumb nail. Lily couldn’t help but feel like she was being left behind.

‘Don’t be a Debby Downer, little Lily.’ She could hear her mother say. She turned towards Renee and hugged her tightly.

“I’m proud of you Re-Re!! A-are you leaving with the boys?”

“I am.... I’m so sorry for not telling you earlier, I didn’t want you thinking that I’m abandoning you.” She said sadly.

“I know that! Just promise me you’ll keep in touch!”

“Always! Oh, I better get going, knowing Dean he hasn’t finished packing.” She touched Lily’s cheek. “I love you so much and will miss you like crazy.” She finished with a tight hug.

—-

The night was spent with Lily and Seth in each other’s embrace, Seth showing her how much he’ll miss her, his lips worshiping every inch of her body.

As Seth lay there sleeping in his usual position on Lily’s chest, she couldn’t sleep a wink. A small, bitter part of her wished so badly that Seth would change his mind and stay with her. Wasn’t she enough for him? Wasn’t she making him happy? She was ripped out of her selfish thoughts by a loud clap of thunder, causing her body to jolt, waking Seth. He looked up at her, cupping her cheek in his hand.

“Hey, hey, you’re ok pretty baby. It’s just a little thunder. I’ve got you.” She felt him kiss her collar bone soothingly, then falling back asleep.

She listened as the rain poured against the window. When she was certain Seth was sound asleep, she allowed her tears to fall.

Just as she was drifting to sleep she heard Seth’s alarm go off. This was it, time for her to put on her big girl panties and smile.

—-

Seth had all his things packed up in the car and was just about ready to leave. He pulled Lily into his arms, deeply kissing her.

“You have no idea how much you’ve saved me. I love you with everything inside me.” He whispered against her lips.

“I love you t-too. You make me so strong and brave. I’ll be here every s-step of the way!”

After what felt like an eternity, they finally pulled apart and Seth walked out of their, well, now her apartment. She walked into her bedroom, searching for his shirt, clutching it to her chest as if her life depended on it. Then, as if acting on their own accord, her feet carried her out the door, running after him. She ran into the rain, praying she didn’t miss him.

“SETH!” She yelled, hoping she’d hear him answer.

Seth, who was just about to shut his car door, turned at the sound of his name. He ran to meet her, clasping her arms.

“Baby, what’s wrong?!”

“Please...” she sobbed as the rain pelted her face, “don’t leave like this, s-stay with me.”

She couldn’t help but scoff at the cliche of it all. It felt like it came straight out of a sad movie, ‘girl stands in the rain in front of boy hoping she’s enough’.

She felt his lips on her forehead, a small gesture in hopes of calming her down.

“I promise I’ll stay in touch. I’ll call you every day and visit you when I’m in town.” He tells her trying desperately to reassure her that this isn’t the end of them.

She was stupid enough to believe him...

@haven-raven012591 @wrestlingfae @neversatisfiedgirl @lost-in-the-stories @calwitch @team-elias @panda-girl1999

[baker-mayfield]

Just Keep Breathing - Seth Rollins

A/N: Hi, yes. I was bored. Like totally bored and I figured I should give the imagine writing life a try. So here is my first ever imagine and i hope that it doesn't suck. I honestly wrote this in the middle of the night because Rollins got me all bothered and he's 100% yummy.  I recommend him to everyone. If enough people like it, I'll probably continue it because.... Why not? I'm honestly sorry for any errors and rambles....Oh, and for how fucking long this is....

WORDS: 2.4K

WARNINGS: angst, cheating, and maybe swearing?

I was happy in NXT. Honestly, I could have retired there and I would have been perfectly fine. After two years of seeing my friends come and go, and moving onto bigger and not so bigger things on the main shows- anyone would think that I would be ready to move on.

 To have my time in the spotlight. It seemed like that’s what the fans were waiting for. But somehow, Vince never felt I was ready to be called up. I liked to think that they didn’t know what to do with me. I was a smaller girl. Almost as small as Alexa Bliss. I started out as an announcer backstage, then I moved onto be a valet… Then, they finally gave me a chance to work in the right. Being a WWE wrestler was everything I dreamed of. I wanted to be like Lita but as loved as Trish Stratus. I wanted to make history like Mae Young. Because of my small size, it was hard for them to know what to do with me. That’s why they haven’t moved me to the main roster. I just knew it. They already have Alexa Bliss as the small girl on RAW, they didn’t need another shorty on the main show.

…. Okay, I’m lying. Not about my beginnings, but why I haven’t moved up. They’ve begged me to come to the main show. Even before Alexa Bliss was drafted to Smackdown. Each time, I would tell them, “No. I wasn’t ready” or “No, I really want to fight with the new girl”. Every time they asked, I had a new lie. It wasn’t my fault, it was because of him. He was the man that ran the place, and he was the one man I couldn’t go face to face with. I haven’t seen him in close to five years. Crazy, I know. I stayed in NXT that long because of a guy. I think Hunter knew the reason, but he had always danced around it. To avoid me breaking down as usual. As far as everyone was concerned, I was happy on NXT and I was happy putting over the new talent that came in the busy.

I’ve had Sasha, Charlotte, Becky and even Bailey try to convince me to join them on the main roster. I’ve been there for years, they’ll say. There was nothing left to accomplish. Well, that was right. But as long as The Man was there, I was never going to the main show full time. The closest I got to the main show was when Seth was gone with his first injury. I made my main show debut just enough to help Sasha Banks when she needed to even the playing field with the Bella Twins. Luckily that only lasted from December until April. As soon as the storyline was done, I begged to go back to NXT. It didn’t matter what Dean or Roman would say- I was ready to go back to where I knew I was safe

Now, you’re probably asking why ‘why do I not like Seth Rollins?’ You’re wrong. I don’t dislike Seth Rollins, I hated him 

I was ready for the ride to the top with him. In a few years, he was going to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion and I would be the Women’s Champion. We had it all planned out. I couldn’t tell you how we started to date. It started with friendly competitions in his hotel room. I would play him in Madden, WWE games, poker. You name it. We even traveled together, and it go to the point where people thought we were dating before we were actually dating. He was my best friend. It was HIS idea to try out a relationship. Everyone was ‘for’ the idea of us being official. The way we followed each other around backstage and joked, we neither to bang or something. Our relationship survived a lot. He was being an NXT champion and I was going from job to job backstage because Hunter was clueless as to where I would be the right fit. It survived when The Shield debut and it survived when Seth turned on Roman and Dean.

No matter where I was, I was always the supportive girlfriend. Not supportive enough at least.

Seth had won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and he had changed. I didn’t notice it, but everyone else did. He was way more self centered. I didn’t notice the change. As caring as Seth was, he was always the cockiest guy ever. When we finally had time to spend time together, it felt like he was miles away. The conversation would feel dry. During my ‘congrats’ dinner for becoming the NXT Women’s Champion, he was way more interested in his phone. I figured it was my fault that he didn’t care. I was still in NXT and he was in the big league. It was like he was out of my league. Which he was. He was fighting in front of thousands on a weekly basis and I was fighting… Well, I was fighting at Full Sail University. He never said anything, so I never suspected anything.

Boy was I wrong. I was so so so SO wrong about us and our situation. I had some time to spend with him. He promised to make it up to me since he was being distant. I thought maybe this was our chance to fix everything that have went wrong. After all, we’ve been dating for close to three years. We debuted in NXT around the same time. We’ve been through thick and thin while we were on the show. It sounded stupid that our relationship could handle a little space just because I was on NXT and he was always on the main event of Raw.

I got my hair done just the way that he liked it. I even made sure to pack the lingerie that he loved. Hell, I packed his favorite perfume. All just for a good time with my boyfriend. I was stupid to think my boyfriend could be main eventing on Raw and wait around for his girlfriend who was on NXT.

We had dinner plans that night. A nice romantic dinner. Seth was in the shower as I was sliding on my dress. His favorite dress, may I add. I have received his attention so many times in this dress. I was sure I could do it again tonight. Then his phone vibrated. He had never told me that I couldn’t look at his phone. There was barely anything to look at. It was just the picture of us kissing. The picture was taken minutes after he had become Mr. Money in the Bank. Then there were his usual boring notifications. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Emails… and when I looked at the most recent notification, it was a text message from an unknown sender. It wasn’t the fact that the person wasn’t saved in his contact that freaked me out… Seth had a habit of waiting until the last moment to add people to his contacts. It was the fact that the only notification was that the person had texted him. There was no text preview. That should’ve been a sign to look away.

Yet, I couldn’t stop looking. He never hid his text previews. Not even from me. Since I heard the water in the shower still running, I typed in his passcode to his phone. I was biting nervously on my lip as I went to his text messages. I clicked on the number and read what the person had to say.

“Am I seeing you tonight? You don’t have to see your girlfriend. We both know that I’m more than enough company for you.”

“Does she know that you don’t love her anymore?”

“I bet you she doesn’t treat you the way that a champion should be treated. She’s so below you, she’s a total waste of your time.”

My heart dropped and I had to call Becky, who was my best friend. When she didn’t answer, I felt my whole world collapse. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Who am I kidding, I was reading exactly what Seth had felt about me.

As I scrolled up, the conversation have been going on a few months after he had won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Just when he sent her why he was sticking with me, the messages scrolled all the way back to the bottom. She had sent him a nude. Just then, I wanted to puke. She was gorgeous. Tall, beautiful, and blonde. I looked down at myself and had to fight back the tears. I didn’t look like her. Seth didn’t love me. All those times, he thought I was beautiful- he was lying.

It felt like years has went by. His phone was hot in my hands and my eyes were both burning and blurry from the tears. I didn’t hear Seth get out of the shower either. He was blasting whatever the band of the day was and he was singing along. I didn’t snap out of it until he called my name. I was frozen. I would’ve been one of those girls that would’ve went through their nights acting like nothing was wrong, but that would’ve hurt. I probably would kill him because the texts and her would be going through my mind all during dinner.

Seth called my name again and I just let the water works go. There was a huge lump in my throat and I couldn’t talk. He stepped closer to me and saw what I was looking at. It was quiet for a moment until he talked.

“Y/N…..” Seth said softly as he grabbed his phone from me. Well, he tried to. I was holding onto it too tightly.

“No, Seth. I get it. I’m just wasting your time when you could be with anyone else in this goddamn world.” I finally let go of his phone and I just looked at him. “I can’t believe you’re mad at me because I’m living my dream in NXT and you’re on RAW. That’s not fair! I wanted to make it there myself, not because I’m sleeping with Seth freakin’ Rollins.” I cried out while wiping a tear. It was scary having this argument with him.

We argued before but it was over stupid things. Stupid things like where to go to dinner, who’s turn is it to pick a movie, who’s turn is it to drive…. It was stuff that can be settled in minutes. This couldn’t be handled in minutes and it couldn’t be handled in hours. It could barely be settled in months. He was cheating, and he couldn’t lie and say that he wasn’t.

“I… I didn’t mean to. I get lonely on the road and-“ he kept going on and on with his excuses. Like an idiot, I nodded my head. I listened to him, hoping to find some truth in there and I couldn’t. I knew that he thought she was hotter than me. I saw it in the texts. I knew that he wasn’t happy with me, once again- I saw it in the texts. There was nothing he could say to exactly ease my mind.

I stood up and left his house. I haven’t looked back since. I only came back when I knew he was gone and that was just to get the things that I held dear to my heart and my clothes. I didn’t want him to have any memory of me or any of my stuff. He broke my heart, and he didn’t deserve to look at my things.

That was almost two years ago. To this day, I wanted nothing to do with the main roster. I avoided all call ups. It was to the point that I was wondering why exactly they begging for me to be called up. Each time, I was going to say no. Seth have tried to call and text me. He even called and texted Becky. Becky was a good friend and told him that I didn’t want to talk to him. If I did want to talk to him, she promised him that I will call him. Have I called him? Nope, never. I had no intent.

It was minutes after Takeover: Brooklyn III.  I had just lost my NXT Women’s Championship and if no one could tell, I was frustrated. Actually, I wanted to cry. But after crying for months because of Seth, I didn’t have enough tears in me anymore. I was over him, but crying for months on end took a lot of work

I had grabbed a towel to dry my face off with… That’s when Hunter approached me and congratulated on a good match. I looked at him weirdly while listening to him compliment my skills. That’s when I knew where this was heading.

“No, I’m not getting moved up to the main roster. Nope. I have to get my title back and I have a rematch clause. You can’t just-” I was speaking at 100 words per minute. But Hunter stopped me.

Triple H sighed and he knew exactly where this was going. But instead of walking away this time, he just stood there. He placed a hand on my shoulder, and patiently tried to put the words together. “You don’t have a choice this time. Vince wants you. It’s either go to the main roster or be fired.” Hunter explained to me and my mouth dropped. Vince was actually willing to fire me just because I didn’t want to go to the main roster? I was hurt. But I nodded my head and I agreed to go. Not that I had much of a choice this time. “Thank you. But I have to tell you… You’re going to RAW.” And with that, I would have rather be fired than work on RAW. I stomped my foot and walked away. I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t going to cry. I insisted as I got back to my locker room.

I’m going to RAW, I thought. It didn’t feel like it was real. I wish I wasn’t. But I had 24 hours to prepare myself for the run in that was going to change my life. I was going to make my debut at Summerslam. Great. Of all damn places. If it wasn’t a mixed show, I wouldn’t have been nervous. Hell, if Seth wasn’t there- I would’ve felt better. But, he was going to be there. There wasn’t enough places in the Barclay Arena to hide from him in. I didn’t plan on this happening. Hell, going to Smackdown would be 100% better. But no. I have to prepare myself all over again.

[mittensmorgul]

I've had some anons who have been concerned that this episode is heralding a return of the codependency dynamic, but I think that’s leaving out a huge part of what 12.09 was hammering home, and completely ignoring what that experience was for Dean.

We encountered this exact same difficulty with 11.17, Red Meat. For my money, that episode was a HUGE turning point for Dean, and I was shocked that so many people seemed to react to it negatively, believing that it was only reinforcing the codependency, because I saw it as the exact opposite, and I have talked about that fact AT LENGTH. I mean, see pretty much my entire 11.17 tag for reference purposes. If you don’t have time to wade through all 

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150593470245/if-you-think-that-there-was-any-growth-for-dean (which is pretty much summed up with the quote “Maybe try watching it again without the presumption that the show is trying to show you the absolute worst version of everything.”)

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/142206972625/mittensmorgul-i-watched-1117-again-today-and

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/142033546845/im-rewatching-the-episode-just-to-point-out-some (which is literally 4k+ words on the episode)

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/142551724425/winjennster-gillasue345-winjennster

I mean, there’s more, but I’ve got other stuff to do today besides rehash 11.17... :D

But saying that Dean called Billie in with the sole intent of sacrificing himself to save Sammy? THAT’S ERASING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT DEAN’S CHARACTER GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE PILOT EPISODE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF FORCING YOURSELF TO FEEL ANGRY AT THE SHOW.

So, maybe own that, internalize it, and then look at the ENTIRE text in context without cherry-picking the details that support the negative argument you’re trying to make.

(sorry if I sound a bit angry/wanky there, but some of my anons are clearly coming from a place of deep anger about this issue, and it’s just not what I saw in that episode, or with Dean, AT ALL, so... yelling at me isn’t gonna change reality)

Let me explain.

From the pilot episode, Dean Winchester has been the Official Poster Boy for Abandonment Issues. He’d been fine hunting on his own for a while. He was hurt when Sam left the family to go to college, but Dean carried on hunting with John. At some point, knowing that John was hunting and Sam was safe at Stanford, Dean was content to hunt on his own, BECAUSE his family was still accounted for, even if they weren’t physically present in his life. The thing that drove him to finally beg for Sam’s help? The fear that John might’ve been injured and/or killed on a hunt. THAT was what Dean couldn’t face alone:

Dean: I can’t do this alone. Sam: Yes, you can. Dean: Yeah, well... I don’t want to.

Dean 100% thought he was going to go looking for John and find his body. He couldn’t face that alone, despite having been hunting on his own for a while by that point. It was the loss he couldn’t face alone.

Over the years, the ONE THING that has frightened Dean the most has been ABANDONMENT. BEING ALONE IS DEAN WINCHESTER’S #1 FEAR AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. PERIOD. THE END.

I’d pull references for this fact, but it was essentially the driving force of the entire series, so, may I direct you to like every episode of Supernatural ever...

Dude stoically stared down Lucifer and shot him in the face. He walked alone into a pizza parlor and shared a slice with Death. He went into a diner having prepared himself to let the Mother of all Monsters BITE HIM in order to kill her. He, a human being, was the most terrifying thing in Purgatory, to the point the monsters whispered scary stories about HIM.

He’s not afraid of anything. Except being alone with himself.

To Dean, there has been no greater threat, no more terrifying fate, than what Amara proposed (and what Billie proposed) in s11. The Darkness, The Empty. They both essentially amounted to the same thing. Both were coded as metaphors for depression, suicide, annihilation of self.

Literally they were threatening him with the complete annihilation of his soul. These things were held up like a mirror to Dean in 11.17 and again via his extreme isolation in that prison cell in 12.09.

The prison cell was as close to the Empty as we could possibly put Dean without actually rending his soul into nothingness. This was absolutely lampshaded by Agent Camp’s little speech from the promo clip, when he was explaining exactly how he intended to torture Sam and Dean. (lucky me, I’m about 2/3 done with the transcript of the episode. This is unedited, but largely complete.)

I don’t believe in torture. Doesn’t work. Oh, I’ve seen folks waterboarded, cut on. And they talk. Ooh, they do. But they never tell you what you need. You know what does work, though? Every time? Nothing. [Sam looks up at Camp at that] CAMP: See, when I leave, that door closes, and it stays closed, [scene shifts back to Dean] and you stay in the dark. Now, maybe that doesn’t sound so bad. [Camp moves so he’s leaning down in front of Sam] CAMP:  But after a month? [scene shifts to Camp leaning identically in front of Dean] A year? You spend enough time staring at these walls, just you and all that nothing, [shift back to Sam] you’ll get so crazy to talk, to see someone real, you’ll tell me exactly what I need. You’ll tell me with a smile. [Shifts back to Dean] CAMP: It’ll just take some time. [Camp leans back against the wall opposite Dean again with his arms crossed, with multiple shifts back and forth to Sam and Dean] Of course, the thing is, after what you did, no one’s in a hurry to get you that phone call. So you and me, we got all the time in the world. [Sam’s cell door slams shut and we see him flinch, Dean’s cell door slams shut hiding him from view]

We saw Sam flinch twice-- first at Camp’s use of the word “Nothing” to describe the method of torture he preferred, after describing waterboarding and cutting. THIS was what got Sam’s attention. Sam’s experience of being locked away, potentially for an eternity, was closer to what Camp described before, with the constant physical torture. Because THAT was Sam’s idea of torture. Yes, we’ve seen him endure it with a hearty SCREW YOU, but this isolation is something Sam is at least a little more psychologically prepared to accept than his brother is.

Because to Dean? Isolation is literally worse than his experiences in hell. Worse than 30 years of being tortured by the most accomplished torturer the universe has ever seen. And then 10 years of torturing others in turn... which to Dean ended up being even WORSE than actually BEING tortured.

Also, what was Dean’s first experience upon arriving in Hell? What was his Welcome to Hell reception area experience?

UTTER ISOLATION! BOUND BY CHAINS! COMPLETE LOSS OF FREE WILL!

Let’s not forget the shot where we reached this point by zooming into Dean’s eye until it blurred with the chains and nothingness inside his own mind... I’m sure that wasn’t a metaphor for Dean’s psyche or anything...

THIS. IS. DEAN’S. PERSONAL. HELL.

Throughout s11, Dean was confronted with these themes in the form of his guilt over the previous season and a half while dealing with the Mark of Cain. This emptiness, the absolute TERROR of the Loss of Self... I mean... going back to 10.09, this was literally his nightmare. Loss of self to the darkness of the Mark. It was his horrifying train of thought while talking to Len in 11.05 about what it was like to have lost his soul.

And Dean’s literal nightmares over the course of the entire series have revolved around loss, loss of self, and abandonment.

Can you begin to see why Dean broke first in the muggle version of The Empty? Locked away, alone, with nothing for company but his looooong history of guilt, depression, and abandonment issues? With nothing to break up the monotony but the thrice daily shout of CHOW TIME! and a screw to etch eternal hash marks into his concrete box?

THIS WAS EFFECTIVELY THE WORST THING THAT DEAN COULD EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINE HAPPENING TO HIM, SHORT OF UTTER OBLIVION.

I mean, in comparison, the Empty sounds pleasant. At least he wouldn’t have to EXPERIENCE all that nothingness, because he would’ve ceased to be.

THAT BOX WAS WORSE THAN HELL TO DEAN WINCHESTER.

I already replied to another anon shortly after the episode aired, and touched on this there:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156426851620/i-was-reading-your-post-about-the-back-seat-and

One line I used in that reply was this: “Frankly, if Billie had said no, I think Dean would’ve probably just told her that he was done, and to just go ahead and take him. Period. End of deal. He would’ve given up.”

He would’ve preferred the literal Empty to staying in that concrete cell for one more CHOW TIME!.

Dean. Broke.

It had fuck-all to do with Sam. Well, it probably had a little bit to do with Sam, because heck, if Dean was going to throw in the towel, why not get something for Sam out of the deal in the process?

Go back and watch every Dean scene after they escape from the prison, with the knowledge of all the details of the deal Dean made with Billie. Because DEAN made that deal. Sam was just along for the ride. Dean was 100% in charge of that deal, and he fully intended to be the one to pay the price for it.

That entire run through the jungle was his last hurrah. It was Purgatory Dean on his Where’s the Angel quest all over again. Like, literally.

It was a culmination of every time Dean’s gone full “I’m on the clock so I’m gonna throw myself into the world as hard as I can until the world manages to take me out.” From s3′s cheeseburgers-for-breakfast and baiting-vampires-for-kicks, through s6′s raid on the vampire next, to s7′s kamikaze run on Dick Roman, to his 9.11 demon fight in Cain’s kitchen, to his end of s10 revenge against the Stynes, to handing himself over to Death in 10.23, to swallowing a soul bomb and flinging himself at Amara in 11.23. (luckily he chose to use his words instead of detonating himself, right?)

CASTIEL WAS THE ONLY PERSON DEAN WANTED TO SEE AGAIN BEFORE HE DIED ONCE AND FOR ALL.

He NEEDED Cas to show up and find him. He didn’t tell Cas about his deal, and Sam kept pressuring Dean to talk about the deal, but Dean just kept saying “later.” As if there was really gonna be a “later” for Dean.

He’s a man of his word, and I’m certain his intention was live up to the bargain HE CHOSE TO MAKE with Billie.

Notice he couldn’t even look Cas in the eye when they found him in the woods. Dean. Couldn’t look CAS in the eye.

(how many fanfics have centered around the fact that Dean stares back at Cas just as much as Cas stares at him? and here he can’t even meet Cas’s eyes? AT ALL?! AFTER SIX WEEKS OF FEAR AND ISOLATION AND WORRY AND SADNESS AND ANGST?!)

Because Dean knows this is it. This is the end. The looks on his face there are of a broken man.

And then Dean sees Mary. One person he neither expected to see, nor had any idea how to deal with in that situation. I think HER presence there is what made him hesitant when Billie showed up to collect her Winchester.

In the car, when the clock struck midnight, Sam called “It’s time.”

Dean was sitting IN THE FREAKING BACK SEAT. WITH CAS.

At Sam’s statement, Dean sneaks a heartbreaking glance at Cas, who slowly understands that Dean has Done Something Terrible in order to have escaped that prison. The look Cas gives him is even more heartbreaking. Dean can’t even bear it, and so looks away... (borrowed from @k-vichan‘s post here)

Okay...

The one variable Dean wasn’t counting on was MARY being there. Because she stepped in front of the bullet that he’d intended to take himself. Her mere PRESENCE there added about 10 layers of PROBLEMATIC for Dean, because he could live up to the deal he’d made and say his goodbyes to Sam and Cas... they’ve lived that scene before... but Mary’s presence was a wild card. Her presence was a spanner in the works, a deviation from what Dean thought was The Perfect Plan.

Dean had NO IDEA what Cas had been suffering through in his absence. He had NO IDEA that Cas would call Mary in for backup, because CAS couldn’t handle rescuing Dean alone. He’d been fucking up simple vampire hunts, because he’s been so depressed, isolated, and alone (just like Dean...). He couldn’t risk fucking up Dean and Sam’s rescue (because in Cas’s opinion, that’s all he was able to do.. mess things up and get in the way).

Dean also had NO IDEA that Cas and Mary would involve the BMoL (hello consequences of shady deals!).

Gah. I mean, there was just SO MUCH here. I should probably shut up.

So saying Dean did all of this just for Sammeh, because brodependency? Is essentially erasing the entire character of Dean Winchester, and the earth-shattering significance of everything that happened in this episode.

Because no. Just, no.