#I must really be an ffxiv artist now

[pitool]

Since creating that last screenshot of Meteor Survivor, I felt like it was finally time to make an official "mythologized" picture of my own WoL/Azem, Thereza.

[angelgendered]

Can I interest any of you fine folks in a Good Omens Fantasy AU which I'm affectionately naming The Oath AU?

Here there be a vague outline of the some stuff I jotted down earlier about it. It's vague for now but I'm working kn fleshing it out! I'm Working On The Longfic(tm) and possibly other bonus scenes and further adventures of theirs in this world if this hits a mark with folks and people actually read it.

Rambling under the read more! No CW or TWs I don't think...? Let's jump in!

It's DnD style fantasy (but dark, at the risk of sounding Edgy. This ain't the kind of DnD you'd play with a 13 year old cousin, for example. The world is harsh and unkind, and there be monsters in the woods, child. Inspird partly by Discworld, partly by FFXIV, especially the Endwalker expansion, partly by Mtghew Mercer, Exandria and his players and all their side content to do with Exandria, partly by Dungeons and Dragons shenanigans I've had over the years myself, and partly by the worlds Patrick Rothfuss and our beloved Neil Gaiman, amongst other authors i adore, come up with. Its a big mash of inspirations but km hoping to mold it into something coherent. )

Fiendish Blooded Sorceress and Druid Crowley - who can mold their body and appearance from the very essence of the earth and who transcends mortal ideas of gender and presentation, straddling the lines of male and female and both and none. They have appeared as maiden, mother, crone, ancient warlock, youthful child and more besides, giving rise to many rumours about her 'true' heritage.

Human Holy Knight of The Order Aziraphale - who has crusaded for years in the name of his Goddess, only to be faced with a moral dilemma. He was offered a priceless, holy artifact in exchange for a pact with a Devil - this pact, which has left him visibly facially scarred - dictates that he must kil one person, no more or less, for this Devil at a time and palce of the Devil's choosing. Until now, he hasn't been called to do such a thing... And he hopes that the Devil has forgotten about a lowly Soldier Knight such as himself.

Rituals! Sexy and very unsexy ones! There's a lot of this cos I'm exploring my own spirituality lately so. You get a ritual! You get a ritual! Everyone's naked and dancing! There's a fire! It's great! Until it isn't.

Probably Hurt/Comfort AND Whump.

This is an E rated AU bc everything I write has sex in it, but whatever! Maybe some light kink too, but I'll be guided by my muses on this. This is more story than smut anyway - the 'additional scenes' I may do if people like this AU? They'll be dirtier, lol.

I have Pinboards, Playlists soon, and no doubt a buttload of other worldbuildingy bits to come! Along with the fic et al of course. If you're interested I've made a tag on my blog for the AU where I'll try to remember to organise this stuff cos I'm really into this AU and really want to finish a longfic so I want you guys to hold me accountable tbh.

If you're interested, the tag is on this post and it's 'Good Omens Oath AU'. In time I would adore to commission artists for this project of mine, so if you're up for collaborating and will accept payment (I don't do trades usually cos you're worth money! Your time and art is too! But I could maybe be convinced...) I'd love to hear from you!

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

FFXIV Write Day 2: Horizon

Watching a sunset leads Agi to reflect on the first half of her adventure in Tural. Spoilers for around level 95-96 MSQ of Dawntrail. SFW.

There’s so much of the star I haven’t seen.

Agnes smiled as she looked at the horizon in Shaaloani. She let Erenville take the lead on their journey to the north side of Tural and was currently waiting for him to make some travel arrangements.

No train apparently.

Wagon, perhaps?

Doesn’t matter to me.

She tried to think of something really witty and clever, like something Aymeric would say about journeys and destinations but instead focused on the sun setting over the horizon.

The Warrior of Light long believed that one of life’s greatest joys was watching the sun set each day. It was a rare time, for Agnes at least, where her mind did not simultaneously go in a thousand different directions while also entangling itself in more knots. When you’re the savior of the star, a mum to three little ones, and wife to Ser Grumpy Dragon, that’s honestly how my head feels most days.

But here, among nature, and embarking on a new adventure with Erenville, I feel at peace.

After all, who wouldn’t at peace with this view?

The colors are so lovely.

If only…

She shook her head. She and Erenville encountered Estinien early on, and then, with a kiss goodbye, he went his own way. As promised. He stayed behind with the children when I was assisting Wuk Lamat with the contest, and in return, I promised I would ask Mum if she would look after them if need be so my grumpy dragon could be a lone wolf for a bit.

Erenville asked if I minded.

No. A promise is a promise.

And it turned out Mum was needed, because of Erenville’s offer.

Not that Mum minds. “As if I need a reason to care for my grandchildren, Agi! Honestly!” is what she told me when I spoke to her about the Tural trip. “I don’t know why you don’t just simply leave them with me in Costa del Sol. Wouldn’t it be easier on you and Estinien?”

Agnes smiled.

But Mum, if I left them with you from the start, then they never would’ve seen Tuliyollal.

Never would’ve eaten our first tacos as a family. Well, the boys didn’t obviously eat tacos. They’re still babies. But Esme loved it!

Never would’ve seen sunset in Urqopacha with Esme.

Gods, what a night.

Waiting for Wuk Lamat to get that damn saddle on a wild alpaca. Sitting by the fire with Erenville, Krile, Alisaie, Alphinaud, and Esme. She was so excited to be part of our not-so-little group---clapping, eyes bright, listening to stories…

We slept in a tent, and I held her in my arms.

It was the only night of my life where I didn’t actually mind camping.

Because of you, my little love.

And though Esme, Hami, and Marc aren’t here with me right now, they got to experience some of this adventure with me.

Who knows…

Maybe one day all of us can go on adventures together.

“Agi! I’m afraid we may have to stay the night here.” Erenville called as he walked towards the hyur.

She nodded, catching a final glimpse of the sunset before turning to her companion. “Oh, I don’t mind. After all, it’ll give me time to linkpearl Mum and see how she’s getting on.”

Erenville chuckled heartily. “No need! I overheard Estinien on his linkpearl with her earlier. They’re fine. Apparently, little Esme did a ‘quite good’ fingerpainting of a beach for you and your husband.”

My little love. My Esme.

I can’t wait to see it.

And you.

And your brothers.

And Mum.

But first…

The Warrior of Light held a hand over her heart as she and Erenville began the short walk back to town. “Aw, that’s so cute! I wonder if she’s picked up some artistic talent that neither of us possess. Wouldn’t that be something?”

We must find Erenville’s mum first!

[clockworkspider]

Okay here's the thing about undercharging for commission prices. We run into the same broader problem always present in the labour market.

Minimum wage exist because there's always someone desperate enough to do work for cheaper, which depreciates the value of labour because eventually everyone else becomes desperate enough to do work for cheaper

People get around this by outsourcing their labour overseas, where the conversion rate is favorable and the cost of living is cheaper (you see this a lot if you work in tech or art nowadays)

Or hire an intern!

The overseas contractor is happy to charge $10 USD/hour, a decent rate where they live after conversion. The intern is resigned to work for free for the 2 years of experience you need for an entry level job, because they don't have bills to pay yet.

Contractors in US and countries with higher cost of living are now pressured to lower their prices to compete, but they risk making below a living wage.

So there's 2 dimensions here. People under-pricing their art for competition, and how much groceries can you buy with $10 USD at any given place.

I work in graphic design, an industry heavy with gig work, where there's no real minimum wage. So professional associations here are very eager to teach fresh graduates and students on how to price their work. Why? Because newbies undercharging for competition hurts the entire industry. People are willing to pay an experienced freelancer 2x more than a junior, but when it's 5x? 10x? A lot of doubts here.

I work in Canada. The market rate for design work is a bit cheaper here than it is in the US. I got told that if I'm working for US client, I should charge by their market rate. International work, international rate. And you know what, most US clients were willing to pay that because it's a reasonable market rate in their reality.

With international work, it's really difficult to make the pricing fair for everyone, especially for commissions. If you charge by US market rate, you make your work unaffordable to people from your own country, if you charge by local rate, you're depreciating the market when you could be making more.

Here's the other reality with art. People like what they like. People are willing to drop a couple of hundreds on a commission, I've seen it happen. It's a combination of finding the right market (it's furries and ffxiv players), having a marketable style, and just skill.

On the other hand, lowering your price indefinitely will not necessarily get you more work. I can't even make minimum wage doing art commissions, I just can't. There is a point where one must admit to oneself "it's better to just practice my art in peace before I can make a living with it".

I'm not telling any international artists to charge by US rates. However, with any type of freelance contracting, the suggestion is always to decide how much you wanna make and what your work is worth. And if you feel, realistically, that the latter can't match up to the former, then you might need to just hone your craft in private and make your living doing something else for the time being. I know getting no commissions hurts, but cutting your prices is hurting more than just yourself.

[canmom]

personal, sex discussed, give some indication if you read please

my friend who plays ffxiv with me sometimes on American servers has recently gotten into the world of 'pillows', which are like... a sex work adjacent practice where people will rp intimacy with you in return for ingame money. ('pillows' are nonsexual, 'courts' [courtesans] are sexual, but otherwise essentially the same practice). she paid for me to go for one, and... it has given me much to think about i guess.

it really highlighted the difference between ttrpg rp and mmo rp. bc like... the mode i tend to adopt in ttrpg is that of a writer, i guess. my character is an instrument I'm using to tell an interesting story, and the choices i make are all on the basis of like, what would make for engaging drama. it's not that my desires don't factor into it - i want to feel that I'm entertaining the other players, the stories i find interesting reflect my preoccupations and interests - but what my character wants and what i want are distinct. sometimes what i want is to see her fail in her ambitions and undergo transformation as a result, because that's juicy narratively. it's a mode that suits me well, i like telling stories, and i feel very good if i seem to be entertaining people. no surprise perhaps that I'm most comfortable in the GM's chair.

mmo rp on the other hand feels more like... my character is a thin polygonal shell over me. sure she has a particular voice and a backstory, but it's a thin allegory for my own life. I'm new to this server, so she's a curious refugee from a foreign land who doesn't know how things are done. i lost Fall, so she lost someone on the voyage. logging into the mmo is these days mostly just a way to spend time with my friend in our anime bodies, going out places together - something we can't do in real life due to distance and disability.

so after a lot of pushing from my friend i agreed to do a pillow before i went to bed. why? i guess i was feeling lonely and really wishing for some touch and intimacy irl and this seemed like the next best thing. and i was also curious. i wanted to know what this would be like. but i was very concerned with being a good client - i wanted to like... rp well, make my partner in the scene feel comfortable as well. i think i did decently.

but looking back at that afterwards, and thinking about what it would be like to do that again (courts or pillows)... it occurs to me that like, that's the only way i could think to approach it, trying to do a good job. i realised i could much more easily imagine doing the job, which is figuring out what the other person desires and giving it to them, than imagine paying someone else money to perform a scene tailored to my desires.

'what do you want?' seems like the most straightforward question. everyone else seems to be able to answer it. indeed, i looked today at the list of court players in the venue my friend now frequents - all of them provide a like, list of their feelings about and willingness to do a series of 'standard' kinks. i imagined trying to fill one out myself and had no idea what I'd put. willing to do almost anything. want to do... what?

and the thing is... this is how i tend to approach sexuality in general, i guess. if someone asks me what i want i just end up on like... uhhh please touch my back? it's been years and i feel like I've opened a series of doors when it comes to talking about sexuality and writing it in fiction and yet it seems this must fundamental thing, to directly identify and express a desire, still eludes me.

when i look at the work of talented nsfw artists, animators in particular, you can see that they have it. there is a passion evident in the lavishly detailed expression: they want to be drawing that particular thing. it feels like by contrast I'm just chasing the formal codes of the medium. breaking it down analytically so i can be told i did a good job.

what's it going to fucking take to figure this out? i feel like I've been beating my head against this problem for years and I'm no closer to the solution. it's like there's a wire missing between desire and recognition/expression/action. when i was with a__, she tried to figure out what i was into, but it was so frustratingly obtuse that she gave up long before we actually broke up. like, she'd suggest stuff, and I'd feel good about it, but maybe really all it was was that she was actually paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. but in the end... i couldn't give her a usable answer. she suggested buying me outfits and i liked that but then couldn't figure out what sort of clothes I'd actually want to wear.

what the fuck am i so afraid of?? i want to want things. it's one of the most basic qualities of animal life. i don't want to always be sitting on the safe distant throne of analytical curiosity and trying to do a good job for other people. i want my art to have desire and expression and personality. i want my life to have that.

what fucked me up this way? was it the school system? did i become so dependent on feeling like I'd passed the test and done a good job that i completely lost sight of actually like... speaking for myself?

in a previous era i tried to cultivate purity. i tried to limit my stimuli to only the ones from the right categories of person that overtly stated the right political message. now I've found a voice that's like... curatorial, analytical. now i like to know the history and context, i can relate it to other things. I'm not hung up on purity but perhaps i lost something with the like... unreasonable fannishness i used to adopt so much more readily. i express my devotion now through the long critical essay, not the fanfic. i don't pick favourites. all the same, i do at least still love fiction - the vicarious, simpler emotions of imaginary people. if something can make me feel, strongly, I'm a devotee. so i want to make fiction that evokes the same sort of strength of feeling.

i wish nobody had ever told me i was clever. i wish i could let doing the things i want take priority over doing them well. all my pictures lately are attempts to capture something of what other artists are able to express. to develop into a certain kind of person - more or less a combination of the girls from eizouken. what is it that all of this aims to express? if i master all these skills, what am i here to communicate with them? i won't know that yet i suppose - art is a tool for figuring that out.

i guess we wandered away from talking about sex. but it's all related, don't you see? at least art is supposed to be mysterious.

i suppose, despite being someone who is trying to make a living off art commissions, i find it hard to imagine commissioning someone else. i have commissioned exactly one piece of art in my life, bc a friend was doing emergency commissions. i like doing commissions - it makes me really really glad to feel like I've made a picture that fully satisfies someone's desires. in a sense drawing original works should be like making commissions for myself. but instead i worry about like... cultivating technical skills, achieving specific vibes, endlessly compare myself to other artists.

i wish i could talk to Fall about this. i think she knew what's up. but... you know.

maybe I'll put a pin in that. "making commissions for myself". maybe splitting it like that, requesting and fulfilling, will help me set desire into motion. as for sexuality... that one remains a puzzle. but i will keep trying. one day the door will open.

[tarajenkins]

Another private little FFXIV-related vent--well, little for me, lol. So if you click this link, it’s quite politely your own fault  ⸜( ˙˘˙)⸝ ♡

BUT

I sub to Vauthry's mentions and tag on Twitter, because occasionally there's actually content, and occasionally, I actually remember that my Twitter account exists. I’m pretty sure that’s why people go there, for content. Twice in the course of this week, though, his mentions have brought randos who seem to be talking about me, unless there’s another overactive Vauthry artist on Tumblr. I’m also like 98% of the Vauthry art on Twitter, so it’s probably me? But even if it’s not me, that still brings us to these thoughts under this break.

(Nice ableism, but even if this was not aimed at me, who takes psych evals from internet shitlords)

They call “simping Vauthry” "cringe" while the entirety of their account rotates around how thirsty they are for the latest FFXIV flavor of the month. The most hilarious thing is, they still reblogged my Hyth art here on Tumblr. Me, a “cringe” Vauthry artist. Tell me you're a fatshaming clown without telling me you're a fatshaming clown, welcome to the block list.  It doesn’t take confidence to “simp” a fat character. I am not a confident person. It also doesn’t take “insanity”.  All it takes is not thinking that enjoying a fat character is some OH MY GOD SHAMEFUL thing. All it takes is not being an asshole about fat people. 

I’m an asshole in other ways.  ʅ₍ッ₎ʃ  (And yes, 4 a.m. currently seems to be “morning” to my insomniac mind.) Since it turned out we shared a mutual, I assume that's why they deleted later.

In which the unique “other characters look like shit!!1” defense is also played, seriously fandom why are you like this

So the actual poster mentioning a Vauthry artist is upset about "proshipping"? I don't even know what that means. Wait a sec-- Ah, “proshipper” apparently means that the artist in question must think “antishippers” are shitty bullies. Reading comprehension really is on the downturn in this fandom. But guilty as charged if it’s me! \o/

In any case, apparently this would make me unqualified to call out all the hypocritical shit I've directly experienced regarding this character over the past two years, lmao.

As of now, that post has disappeared too, at least. I can always hope they realized they were wrong.

I am fix-it arting the shitty fatphobic dump Square took on the game with Eulmore for my own enjoyment and relief. To pretend that the writers really didn’t sink to such a  juvenile level, to pretend the fandom at large didn’t accept it. That’s all. But there are people who really have to come seek it out to point and laugh. "The girl on Tumblr who simps for Vauthry” is used like it’s an insult, while  every other character is received as :) teehee hello fellow simper! (I also still have no idea how stating “Tempering babies in the womb is fucked up” equals simping, lol.) My vents against certain other characters lie solely in their actions and how the writers handle them. The vents of others against Vauthry, though, always manage to boil down to “grossness” and “disgust”, because Yoshi-P said fat people equal all the evil of mankind in the ShB trailer--and the fandom bought it with no questions asked. There are even still people who scream Eulmore had slavery, even though the dialogues clearly state “hired” and "employed” and speak of salaries--yet somehow legitimate fascist fantasy empires are uwu forgivable uwu.  Giving a fat character the same level of consideration that fandom darling characters receive--it's such an audacious idea, isn’t it? This is the “great community”. My anger at the bodyshaming has been tone-policed before, and I was called “too mean” by someone who felt that invalidated the points they admitted I made. Meanwhile at that time, some jackass sagenodded that bullying fat people was ~just concern for their wellbeing~ without backlash. That didn’t count as “mean”. Fat jokes about Vauthry on /r/FFXIV sometimes still make the sub’s front page to this day. That doesn’t count as “mean”.

Everyone wants to be so progressive and positive about Dulia-Chai, but crickets when this happens, every time. 

When I got angry about a certain fandom darling character, and said that character chose their actions? People were encouraged to not follow me/unfollowed me. (Turns out said character did have choice after all, short one “little tug”. Oopsie!) No negativity in this fandom is allowed--unless someone is being fatphobic, then the fandom will hold their flower and instead tell the people who are angry about it that they’re being ~too mean~. It’s a bad look, FFXIV fandom. Reblogging Dulia is great, but not equally discouraging fat hate no matter the character is telling.

Sure, I could unsub from the Twitter mentions and tags. But why should I? Sure, I could grin and bear it--these tweets weren’t the only ones over two years. But why should I? How about the fandom do more than pay lip service on how ~welcoming~ and ~inclusive~ it is, instead? Because it has a really obvious problem with fat bodies, and Dulia is not a free pass. It isn’t an aberration to have interest in a fat character. It especially isn’t a goddamn fetish. The problem is the people who see it as an aberration, and assume a fetish is the only way you could possibly ever give a damn about a fat person.  It’s not that hard, FFXIV fandom. 

TL;DR: Don't be shy, bring it to my face next time! I promise I will gladly return the favor. ( ᐛ )b  

[jeremy-ken-anderson]

There are videos of the end of the disastrous FFXIV 1.0 out there.

And there’s something there you don’t see in MMOs. Not like this.

There’s grief.

The soundscape of this final half-hour of 1.0′s life is unique. It consists of only three things: 1) The sound of the player’s own footsteps, balanced to be extremely loud. 2) Thunder crackling in the sky. 3) The melancholy song “Answers” - but broken, and sounding as if it’s coming from underwater, or being sung in an auditorium half a mile away.

Between this and the presence of a burning moon looking like it’s literally threatening to collapse on the world like in Majora’s Mask, and the players’ knowledge that this is the end of the game as they know it...

There are all kinds of recommendations for creatives to put themselves into their work. Well, the creative team who made FFXIV were grieving. And they couldn’t fix the game without destroying it, so they decided the game too would grieve.

They captured the beauty of a burning viking vessel, the poetry of a lowering casket.

There’s this incredibly pretentious thing I’ve seen in stories featuring a fictional great artiste, where someone looks upon their work and declares it “beautiful...and terrible!”

Well, this really is. No pretense; It’s beautiful because the people who put it together crafted this broken thing into an artful expression of where they were, and it’s terrible because it’s the literal end of a world and everyone beholding it knows everything they might try to do is about to be gone.

Only the singular situation FFXIV Team was in - a game so bad that it had to be scrapped, but an executive overseeing body willing to risk millions on rebuilding that game - would make a situation where this event could happen. Without something coming after, nobody would have had the time or interest to make a piece of art expressing the loss of the world, inside a space where the fans could play it. MMOs die all the time, but most simply wink out; a computer turned off and never turned on again, a loss unmarked by even most of their once-fans. But because there was a plan for this one to rise from the ashes, the pyre itself was an in-game event.

Answers (Yaeko Sato and Michael-Christopher Koji Fox)

I close my eyes, tell us why must we suffer Release your hands, for your will drags us under My legs grow tired, tell us where must we wander How can we carry on if redemption's beyond us?

To all of my children in whom Life flows abundant To all of my children to whom Death hath passed his judgement The soul yearns for honor, and the flesh the hereafter Look to those who walked before to lead those who walk after

Shining is the Land's light of justice Ever flows the Land's well of purpose Walk free, walk free, walk free, believe... The Land is alive, so believe...

Suffer (Feel) Promise (Think) Witness (Teach) Reason(Hear) Follow (Feel) Wander (Think) Stumble (Teach) Listen(Speak) Honor (Speak) Value (Tell) Whisper (Tell) Mention(Hope) Ponder (Hope) Warrant (Wish) Cherish (Wish) Welcome(Roam) Witness (Roam) Listen (Roam) Suffer (Roam) Sanction(Sleep) Weather (Sleep) Wander (Sleep) Answer Sleep on

Now open your eyes while our plight is repeated Still deaf to our cries, lost in hope we lie defeated Our souls have been torn, and our bodies forsaken Bearing sins of the past, for our future is taken War born of strife, these trials persuade us not(Feel what? Learn what?) Words without sound, these lies betray our thoughts Mired by a plague of doubt, the Land, she mourns(See what? Hear what?) Judgement binds all we hold to a memory of scorn Tell us why, given Life, we are meant to die, helpless in our cries?

Witness (Feel) Suffer (Think) Borrow (Teach) Reason(Hear) Follow (Feel) Stumble (Think) Wander (Teach) Listen(Blink) Whisper (Blink) Shoulder (Blink) Ponder (Blink) Weather(Hear) Answer (Look) Answer (Think) Answer together

Thy Life is a riddle, to bear rapture and sorrow To listen, to suffer, to entrust unto tomorrow In one fleeting moment, from the Land doth life flow Yet in one fleeting moment, for anew it doth grow In the same fleeting moment Thou must live Die And know

[kunstpause-archive]

5 Questions for Writers

I got tagged by @elveny and looking at this I don’t even know where to start ? Let’s see if we can make a coherent post out of this

Tagging @curiousthimble, @midnightprelude, @captainderyn, @cornfedcryptid,  @elfyourmother​, @defira85, @edencalder @anchanted-one @tishinada @illegiblewords and anyone else who wants to do it - I’d love to see people’s answers but no pressure to anyone.

1. Do you have a favorite character to write? Who and why?

2. Do you have a favorite trope to write? Or one you want to write?

3. Share your favorite description you’ve written?

4. Share your favorite dialogue you’ve written?

5. Scene you haven’t written, but want to?

1. Do you have a favorite character to write? Who and why?

Of the ones I've written more for probably Aren Surana. I love all my characters to pieces and I always enjoy writing for Cassia or Amara - but Aren is closest to my heart and the things I want to express through writing her are some of the most important to me. Aren is autistic and shares pretty much all of those traits with me and it is very important to me to share her story and her perspective on things with others - and hopefully make the one or other person understand some things in the process.

That said Cassia is probably a close second place - writing her struggle with depression and working through it with familial support was something quite liberating. 

And lately there is Althea, my FFXIV OC which I have not yet published anything about but I’ve been writing a few bits and pieces for her and she is rapidly growing into a character I really enjoy writing.

The rest got longish, so under the cut it goes.

2. Do you have a favorite trope to write? Or one you want to write?

I love lighthearted miscommunication and I absolutely love writing more humerous things. My DA2 coffee shop AU was just pure fun to write. 

I also really enjoy a lot of the classic tropes from “there is only one bed!” to “we need to make out to hide from the bad guys”.

Also I found out through my fictober project with @elveny that I am enjoying the occasional writing of horror-themed things. (Those are all intentionally bad endings, so skip this if that is something that’s not good for you please.)

I wrote a so far unpublished “magic made them do it” story for DA2 which was also quite fun and I am currently in the middle of an enemies-to-lovers-to-weird-allies thing for Althea.

3. Share your favorite description you’ve written?

from my so far not published enemies-to-lovers thing for FFXIV:

He was the living embodiment of all that she hated about herself. The cold distance, the numbness, the utter boredom at the mundane, the miserable existence without a challenge… but something more dangerous somehow. 

A mirror of her undesirable traits would have been something she could have ignored but at the same time he managed to be almost everything she so desperately yearned to be. Unbound by the expectations of those around him, the freedom and single mindedness to follow his heart’s desire and the wild abandon with which he carried himself… He was everything she loathed and all that she wanted for herself at the same time. 

And he had the audacity to laugh at her.

This bit from a Divinity Original Sin 2 ficlet Fractured:

Amadia was there through it all, holding and soothing. Speaking soft words of consolation and compassion. Her old heart slightly breaking as she did all she could to help him hold on. On nights like these she looked at him with heavy thoughts. He had lost so much, endured so much. And yet she thanked all the powers still around her that at least for the moment he was still unaware of just how much. His beautiful, fractured mind saving him, holding back the greatest pain, the sharpest memories. She had done her best to shield him from his own past. Every time she could feel him push at his memories, trying to regain the last puzzle pieces she had woven images around them, pulling them just out of reach. Even with all the strength he had gained, all the power he had learned to master so far, Amadia was determined. Determined to keep him whole and away from the what would surely tear him apart if she didn’t intervene. She needed him whole after all. At least for a little while longer. And so she kept holding him, comforting him the only way she could.

“Rest now, my child. Lay down your burden and let me keep watch over you, my dear, dear child." She could feel his mind relax and starting to drift. Away from the memories, the past, the truth. Lulled by her warmth and her words. One more night where he would be unaware, that those words had once been his own.

And I am very partial to this nsfw bit - Bull trying to distract Amara from the murder happening in Halamshiral

Cold stone against her skin as she was roughly turned around and pressed against it. More clothes carelessly pushed aside. A bruising grip on her hip pushing her into place. When the first sharp sting of pain on her thighs went through her she let out a relieved sob, pushing back against his hands, her whole body pleading for him to continue. This was what she had wanted. Needed. And he gave it to her. Again and again until she could think of nothing else but his hands on her flesh and his voice in her ear.

She had lost all sense of time when he turned her around again, lifting her up enough to enter her in one swift and fluid motion. No matter the amount of pain, she was dripping wet for him, her body reacting instinctively to his touch, rough and forceful as it was. His pace was ruthless. Unforgiving he pushed her into the wall again and again. She felt the pleasure building up, growing with every sharp thrust until it was almost bursting when her heart dropped. 

The music.

It had stopped.

For a second her eyes went searching in the direction of the lights. Head turning. Were those screams she heard or was it imagination?

Bull’s hands closed around her, covering her ears almost entirely as he turned her head back, forcing her to look at him instead. “Don’t listen!” His words were a low grumble but somehow sounded like both, an order and a plea at the same time. He pushed into her faster, his iron grip around her not letting her move even the smallest bit as he pushed her over the edge and she came with a soundless cry on her lips.

Amara’s eyes had fallen shut, the only sound she could hear being the noise of her own blood rushing through her ears. Again she lost track of time, feeling almost like she was floating in his arms. When she finally opened her eyes again Bull was looking at her with so much love and determination on his face she felt something warm in her chest. It was small. Just a spark. But something she was almost desperate to hold on to. She could also see the worry written all over his face and she sighed deeply, before kissing him softly. “Let’s get out of here. Leave for Skyhold right away,” she mumbled against his lips. She closed her eyes again, her forehead against his as she felt the relief running through both of them when he agreed without second thought.

4. Share your favorite dialogue you’ve written?

this bit from a Hands of Fate related one shot about DAI times:

“I can’t believe Varric wrote a book about me,” Cassia muttered under her breath. “I don’t even know if I should be flattered or extremely embarrassed.”

“I would go with flattered and avoid ever reading it,” Dorian suggested with a wink. 

“Oh definitely!” Josephine agreed. “Don’t read it.”

“Ever.” Cassandra’s dry voice added shortly. Bull still didn’t say anything but he was visibly amused by everything that happened.

“So you’ve all read it then?” Dread was on Cassia’s face. “How bad is it?” She eyed the book as if it was a particularly nasty dish she had to eat.

“Not that bad!” Josephine was quick to say. “Really, come to think of it, it is barely worth mentioning.” Cassandra and Dorian nodded eagerly. 

“Well, in my defence I actually haven’t read it, I just skipped through the highlights where Josephine had folded the pages.” Dorian was grinning madly at Josephine’s embarrassed squeak. “I must say Ambassador, I am impressed! I did not expect this from you.” 

Cassandra tried to save the situation with a last desperate attempt. “There seems to be a lot of... artistic freedom in the book,” she tried to assure Cassia. “Things so obviously outlandish that no one will ever think those actually happened.”

Somehow this had the opposite of a calming effect on Cassia. With a very sceptical look she stared the Seeker down. “Really? Like what?”

For the next few seconds Cassia got to experience something that most people believed was absolutely impossible and could never occur. But at a loss for words Cassandra seemed to actually squirm in her seat. “Like, uhm… like…” 

“Like the scene in the chantry!” Josephine helped her out and Cassandra nodded thankfully. 

“Yes, like that one! Something so ridiculous… No one in their right mind would actually believe that actually happened,” she explained eagerly, obviously hoping to put Cassia’s worries to rest.

“Chantry?” was all Cassia got out, feeling her throat closing up. 

“Page 225 onward,” Dorian supplied helpfully and quickly moved aside, barely escaping another kick from Cassandra.

Almost mechanical Cassia turned the book to the page he mentioned and glossed over it. The little voice that had told her ‘the scene in the chantry’ could mean all sorts of things died a tragically painful death as soon as she had started to read. She felt her cheeks flaming up. “Crap!” she whispered. “He is going to kill me.”

5. Scene you haven’t written, but want to?

The last scene of my enemies to lovers thingy - it’s what started the whole idea and I have it in my head but I am not going to write it until I wrote the bits before.

Also I have so many headcanons about Ascians I need to write some scenes at some point. Just to get it out there.

Certain scenes from the sequel to Hands of Fate are also high on my list of things I look forward to write. But I am forcing myself to write things chronologically bc otherwise I will never get done with the re-edits.

And there is a Heavensward friends-with-benefits ot3 scene I have had in mind for a while. Some day. 

[mothisms]

Moth’s crash course for excellent character reference pictures

Or: how to get the artist you commission to absolutely LOVE you

morning/afternoon/evening, friends! Moth here with my baby boy Q’rinha (or Rin, as i like to call him) here with some tips and tricks on how to get some baller reference shots of your character that will make your, and the artists’ you’re commissioning, lives A LOT easier.

one thing i noticed from all the times i’ve been commissioned, as well as some instances of buddies of mine being commissioned, is that the occasional person commissioning us tends to be a bit... lacking when it comes to reference shots. they’re either too low-res or they just show multiple shots of the same angle. the latter isn’t bad, per se, but there tends to be instances where, while there ARE awesome shots of one angle, there are other angles that are unfortunately not as great. asking for more references is normally not an issue, but there are some people (like yours truly ahaha ;;) who are a bit apprehensive of asking for more because we don’t like confrontation and have had experiences where folks were a bit... abrasive.

so that’s why i’m here! i’ve provided many a reference for my girlfriend, who says i’m an artist’s dream come true when it comes to references (idk if she’s actually just gushing with rose colored glasses or if she’s being legitimate). i have no idea how this applies to other artists, as i’ve.. never really commissioned them, but as an artist myself, i know i absolutely need as many references as possible to get every single nitty-gritty detail on these disasters SE likes to call “fashion”. so here we go: Moth’s tips and tricks on how to get amazing reference shots using our good friend: Group Pose!

DISCLAIMER: this is not a proper “how-to”, but more a collection of tips and tricks that i have found helped me as well as other artists get the most out of the fine details in SE’s outfits. feel free to utilize as many or little of these tips as possible.

also, there are A LOT of pictures. folks with slower internet connections, you’ve been warned.

The Basics

if i had to work with an absolute minimum for reference pictures, i would probably work best with eight screenshots minimum.

wait... only eight?!

yes, eight, but bear with me! Group Pose/GPose (or Final Instagram, as i like to affectionately call it) comes with an amazing variety of tools that can help get just the right angles needed at the best resolution possible!

consider the fact that the average monitor resolution these days is 1920x1080, and depending on whether you play the game in Windowed (like me), Borderless Windowed, or Fullscreen, the resolution of your screenshots could end up a little less than that. now granted, when you first boot up GPose and try to get as close to your character as possible, you end up with something along the lines of this (with a bonus photobomb by MAPEL the mammet):

that’s... okay, but it doesn’t help me as an artist see all of the tiny details that’s on the outfit. The seams are hard to see, and the details on the buttons and clasps are pretty much nothing but little blurs. it makes the artist play a guessing game we really don’t want to play. this is when you start utilizing our good friend, the Camera Position section.

the camera position has two meters: Zoom (top) and Rotation (bottom). i personally adore the Rotation meter and abuse it to bits when it comes to coming up with dynamic screenshots, but it’s also a good friend when it comes to references! see, if you set the rotation to either 50 or 150, the character becomes virtually horizontal. and then if you put the zoom at max and make a few careful adjustments...

that looks much better!! all the seams are visible to the naked eye, and the details on the clasps and buttons are more visible. if you go into your FFXIV screenshots folder and rotate the picture left (if you did 50) or right (if you did 150), you basically now have a reference picture that’s almost 2000 pixels high! WILD!!

so back to why i could work with eight screenshots minimum: following this technique, if you take screenshots in both the cardinal and intermediate directions, you end up with eight screenshots of a complete turnaround of your character in hi-res! it lets the artist see the finite details of an outfit in multiple angles without sacrificing a different angle that’s hard to see.

so now that we have that out the way, let’s move onto...

The Background

“wait... why would the background matter in reference pictures?”

oh, it matters. when it comes to reference pictures, the focus must be on the character. having a background that’s too busy could cause eye strain, and it could also cause confusion when the artist is trying to make out finer details.

here’s an example of a busy background. hurts to look at, right? with all of the trees and the colors in the background, it makes it hard to focus on the character when trying to make out details -- imagine trying to stare at this for several hours on end. it’d make me want to close SAI almost immediately.

as a suggestion for a background, i would suggest areas with a lot of neutral, duller colors. try to choose an area that has colors that are not prevalent on your character’s attire, as well. this will make your character the primary focus of the picture while also keeping eye strain to a minimum, which is good for the artist as they’re already working on something that causes a lot of eye strain.

some open-world areas i’ve found are ideal for getting reference pictures are:

The Goblet

Coerthas (Central and Western Highlands)

Ishgard

The Churning Mists

the rocky areas of The Fringes

The Lochs (anywhere outside of the Ala Mhigan Quarter)

The Ruby Sea

Azim Steppe

granted, this is not a complete list, nor is it an absolute must to follow. there are loads of places in the other maps that are full of areas ideal for reference screenshots, and a bit of finagling can make even the most detailed backgrounds easier to look at. consider this as a starter kit for when you do decide to take pictures, but don’t know where.

bonus: if you have a room in a FC house that’s not as busy, those work as well. in fact, a completely empty room is the absolute best and can work to your advantage!

The Lighting

A GPoser’s worst nightmare is working with lighting, and that’s also an issue with artists as well. thankfully, SE recently released an option that will let you freeze the time and weather, but that only goes so far. oftentimes, there will be a shadow that will obscure a detail an artist needs, and we’re found to be putting in extra work just to make sure we get it right.

hence i would suggest working with lighting that’s as neutral as possible. ironically, cloudy or foggy days are what i find works best, as the lighting is neither warm nor cool, and you don’t have to worry about the glare of the sun causing unnecessary shadows.

“okay, i think i’m set and ready to... wait. it’s night time! SHIT!!”

never fear! that’s why we have the Lighting Settings in GPose!

not a lot of people have completely mastered how this section works-- hell, i’m one of those people. however, utilizing all three of these lights can work in our favor! see, if you have your camera set at a specific angle and turn on a light, the light will be pinpointed at the area the camera was in. with this knowledge in mind, we can set the lights at three key locations that will get the maximum amount of lighting with the minimum amount of shadows.

these are about accurate for the angles/distances i put the lights on and the settings i have ‘em on. the default settings are usually too yellow for my tastes, i find, so i usually bump the blue up a notch so that it cancels out the yellow and looks more neutral. with everything like this, it gives me a clear view of everything on an outfit without any intense glare or dark shadows.

this can also work during the day since lighting is usually strong on one side; just turn a light on the shadowed side and boom!

Go the Extra Malm

say you want to go from being an artist’s friend to an artist’s BEST friend. while the eight angles are a good starting point, and even with all the tips utilized here, there will still be details that are obscured by clothes or limbs. while the above tips are good for a basic commission, these will be ESPECIALLY useful if you’re looking for more dynamic artwork.

Getting the Nitty-Gritties.

say your outfit has a lot of pouches or details on their waist, like what you see above. and you can’t see those details because of the limbs being in the way. if that’s the case, you should consider having your character do a pose that has their arms in the air, and freezing the position in GPose. for example, here i have my miqo’te boy doing the /cheer emote. emotes that work for this on most races are:

/cheer

/rally

/hug (or /embrace)

/deny

/stretch

/facepalm

/huh

/congratulate

these are emotes that have most, if not all, races and genders with their hands in the air. this gives you opportunity to take some excellent screenshots with the limbs not in the way.

The Proper State of Undress

say you want a commission of your character partially undressed, or you’re so into providing the most detail possible that you want to get shots of your characters clothes underneath that dope AF coat. in that case, don’t skimp out! try to take reference pictures of the clothes underneath as well. for example, say i have references of my other baby boy Yoseff wearing the Red Mage AF gear; but i know that outfit is chock full of detail, even in the trousers. in that case, i either remove the top completely or have him wear a top that’s as inconspicuous as possible in order for me to get the most detail possible when taking screenshots.

What About Weapons?

say you want a picture of your character doing an AWESOME picture of them in combat with their favorite weapon. usually for flat weapons like swords and axes, one or two screenshots of a full view of a weapon is usually enough. finagle with the angling enough so that every last bit of the weapon takes up the screenshot, and you’re golden. however, if the weapon comes with additions (such as the guard on the Murgleis), then additional screenshots will be needed in order to get clear views of those details as well. just like above, don’t skimp out! also, try to take pictures of the weapon unsheathed!

for swords and axes, the following will work:

a full view of the weapon

the blade of the weapon

the grip/shaft of the weapon

the pommel (if it’s not immediately view-able on the shaft)

for bows, the following works:

a full view of the bow

the top half of the bow

the bottom half of the bow (if the top half is not symmetrical)

the quiver on the back

for staffs and anything else, take pictures of the following:

a full view of the weapon

four screenshots (front, back, both flanks) of the top/area with the most details

the shaft (if applicable)

full view of any additional details the weapons come with (MCH’s aetherotransformer or the RDM’s floating focus, for example)

a full view is ALWAYS recommended as it gives artists an idea of how the weapon’s size compares to the model.

Don’t Forget That Well-Trimmed Hair

one thing that i also like to do but is wholly optional is provide an additional eight screenshots of the head. there are usually smaller details that are missed from the full-view that can only be seen more up close, such as freckles and jewelry. i like to do a complete 360 of the head for a good view of how the hair falls, but for the absolute minimum, about four or five shots of a turnaround of the head will do.

if your character wears hats, take pictures of the hat on and off! not only do hats mess with the hair, but the additional screenshots will give the artist a clear view of the character’s face. this is especially useful if the hat your character is wearing obscures any part of the face, which could result in potentially missed details.

of course, this is only necessary if your character doesn’t intentionally hide their face. additional screenshots of your character’s bare face isn’t needed if they intentionally obscure their face with a mask or helmet.

...And that’s about it!

i hope this guide helped you all out with figuring out what is needed for some amazing references! as i stated in the disclaimer, none of this is intended to be an iron-clad rule. rather, these are meant to be suggestions to help make your life and your artist’s life a lot easier. these have helped me, they’ve helped my artist friends, and i am sure they will help you.

if you have any questions, or if there’s anything you think i missed, don’t be afraid to shoot me an ask! my ask box is always open.

happy snapping!

~Moth

[gaillaffxiv]

ok take frickin two: i'm gonna be nice and be reasonable and avoid smashing every letter and number into there... all at once, anyway >:D feel free to pick who you wanna answer it with bc bish you know i'm interested either way: 4, 5, 6, 7, 15, 18, 22, A, and G.

Thank you hun, I messed with the colors to try and make the ask button more obvious- lmk if you think it’s good?Since you gave me so many questions... I’ll just put it under the cut and do everyone! Good for character development!4.  How easy is it to earn their trust? Ironically, the girls are both very difficult, Peraa maybe a slight easier than Dallia, and the boys are the easy ones. Huabian far too easily. K’anta will pick up on it if you’re suspicious, though.

5.  How easy is it to earn their mistrust?Depends how close you are. Pretty quickly for Dallia, I can only think of one character that she would hesitate to truly change her trust value with. :D As for the rest, Peraa might be easy to earn back, Huab wants to place trust naively in everyone and K’anta might need to see further evidence before he gives up on you.6.  Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?Dallia forsakes 99% of laws all the time. Peraa actually breaks some big ones on a regular basis. K’anta wiggles around them, respecting them only because of his relationship with the Yellowjackets and Huab always tries to follow them.7.  What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?For Dallia it’s just about every emotion others can inflict upon her reminds her of something, and it’s never a fun trip through memory lane. It’d make her cry if she didn’t get angry first.With Huabian it’s often tokens that can be linked to his childhood or places. He does enjoy it and will become attached to the trigger quickly.For K’anta I’m really not sure what could trigger the memories, as his backstory is still developing, but I think it would be a somber experience for him, but positive still. And for Peraa it’s most easily triggered by words, or ways people speak to her, and it depends on who you remind her of to determine if it’ll be a good or bad outcome... For you.15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? For Dallia it’s always on the spot. Always. Everything is always on the spot. No regrets. Live with your mistakes. Blame others. She’s brash and often called witty, earning her many fans ic and ooc. A close friend actually compared her to Bianca Del Rio once, and I was flattered.Huabian reviews quickly but sometimes gets carried away by the actual conversation. He likes speaking with eloquence and always says things like “I am” instead of “I’m.”K’anta flies by the seat of his pants, often reviewing what he says after it’s come out of his mouth. Saying what comes naturally all the time has gotten him into handfuls of trouble, but he thinks reworking how he thinks isn’t worth his time. Peraa rehearses everything, quickly asking her higher powers to double check and make sure it won’t mess anything up. She’s a very literal thinker and half of what she says are observations, pointed out for the sake of guiding the topic where she wills it.18.  What embarrasses them? For Dall, not much! The only things that have embarrassed her in the 2 years I’ve been rping her are when she’s shown appreciation from or care to someone.Huabian, with more dignity compared to Dall’s lackthereof, feels embarrassed when someone brings to his attention something he overlooked, especially if it effects them more than him, or when discussing the fruits of his more artistic hobbies. Or when someone tells their Djinn to screw him over in a social gathering.K’anta is embarrassed whenever he’s the center of attention and not being coddled with praise, or when people learn about his living situation and personal life.Peraa makes herself feel embarrassed on a regular basis as she struggles socially, then realizing she’s made a mistake sometimes chases the person down to make up for it, usually with an odd favor. Then she always ends up questioning why she felt the need to do that afterwards.22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? Dallia is possessivity to the CORE. Most of the time she tries to act like and convince herself she doesn’t care, but this is also when the good ol’ anger issues kick in, so person subjecting her to these feelings can expect violent language or violent fists, when opportune.Huabian gets on his own case for feeling jealous in the first place, and will probably leave the situation to try and give himself a mental slap. That doesn’t mean it’ll work, though, and he’ll usually try to ignore it, waiting for the “facts” to settle in, but in reality only increasing tensions in himself until he finds a way to move on.K’anta is pretty much always jealous, so he’s quick to acquiesce and just try to make the most of the situation, with whatever bitter thoughts he has on the side. If the opportunity comes to steal away the object of his jealousy or to screw over his rival(s) without getting caught, though, he’ll take it.Peraa is hard to make jealous, but will become very quiet, discussing with her higher powers if she should be jealous or not, trying to convince herself she has all she needs.A.Why are you excited about this character?All my characters are my babies!!!! I love them!! Dallia and Huab are very important children that I’ve had for 2 years and I love when people love them too! K’anta I actually didn’t touch for a while because I was still in BNS rather than FFXIV, but now that I’m in FFXIV again... I’m curious to see what I’ll do with him! As for Peraa? Well.... I’ve never written a villain before! I’m gonna be slow with her, making sure I create a good plot based around her antagony, but I’ll probably be shoddy at it, at first at least, but it’ll be great to try something new!!G.What trait of theirs bothers you the most?....I don’t really give my characters traits that bother me? The only thing I can think of is that sometimes Huabian’s desire to be kind to everyone means I have to be kind to the characters of rpers I’m not very fond of. But Huab must be Huab!

[nyrator]

Random Ny updates on Ny things

lots of photos, cosplay progress, ffxiv stuffs, life feelings and rotten nyan bleh feelings of insecurity

bought myself a new friend on a whim while shopping with friends about two weeks ago

the costume so far

still need to add fur to the bottom, but apparently I still remember how to sew by hand- need to figure out the best way to attach it, though. The collar I put on like a dress shirt kind of collar, but I don’t think I can do that for the bottom part (other than just sewing the fur backside to the shirt frontside, which almost seems too easy to be right- the cuffs I put front-to-front and folded over afterwards, giving them that flat edge on top, but not sure if I want that flat edge for the bottom...)

the tights, I made a mold of my leg out of duct tape (what a silly idea), but only had enough for one go around, so it was very flimsy after being removed. I decided the smarter method would be to fold the mold in half and cut the shape out of cardboard, which I did.

I don’t think I’ll have enough turquoise paint for the stripes, so I ordered more about a week or more ago... except it was undeliverable, because they sent it to Florida, and now they’re reshipping it, and estimated date was anywhere between the 23rd to Nov 5th, so yeahhhh. Last I checked, it got to the right place (PA), but then ended up in Delaware? so we shall see what happens

Haven’t even worked on the skates at all, which worries me, but the party is planned for Friday roughly (getting my friends together is always a thing). I notice distancing tends to be pretty lax around here, they deal with people on cash registers all day though so they’re used to being exposed and I don’t need to protect my mother anymore so hm (should get a blue mask and put some graffiti on it, though)

Tomorrow sounds like it’ll be friend-crunch-day, helping another friend with their costume and such as I try to fix mine. Haven’t worked on mine in a few days because dealing with blehs, but should get back to work on it (only a few days left...)

ALSO MY BOY IS REPAIRED

they sent that shoulder piece fast, like super fast- It was here by the 21st, mann- this is the piece they sent, arm and everything

First I thought, okay, just remove the jacket and put it on the other one- but then I realize, oh, wait, no that won’t work, it won’t stick, and this new jacket is glued on. I thought to super glue it on, but trying to remove it started to tear the peg, so I decided, okay yeah no leave it alone and figure out how to remove his torso

so I removed his torso, which took a bit of force, but now he’s back together and much looser but looking good, godd

also I turned 29 on the 11th, a pretty uneventful day all things considered. Friends came over the other day to deliver gifts (though one forgot his, twice, somehow), the other was a purple DDLC girl plush and pin because she’s purple (I should probably play that game to completion), the photo I have would dox me though and too lazy to get another photo at the moment

Otherwise playing a looot of FFXIV recently, beat the main story (first one at least), got the DLC and doing the Red Mage things (as a former fencer I am down though critical of my lalafell’s footwork), slowly trying to make glamours for every class, and the latest mission thing I’ve done was fighting Moogles to knock-off This Is Halloween, what a great fight (somehow managed to get like 8 unique moggle weapons and it makes me happy they exist), mainly a BLM/WHM/RDM/Weaver though Ninja was also fun (white mage is scary but Kresna is very good at doing crazy pulls when he’s the tank and I somehow help people survive by the skin of our teeth)

the crew (myself, Kresna aka Kure, my friends Spired aka Yomi, and James aka Sebastian, who only plays FFXIV in order to play mahjong with us), we all really enjoy mahjong now if you couldn’t tell (also Kresna’s character is great and now he’s making a Rivers Cuomo lalafell and we’re all going to be bards in a Weezer cover band, also shout outs to how cute Yomi is and the magnificent pompadour and sideburns Sebastian has)

But now to the less nice things

So, hmm. Still dealing with depression, a lot of it caused by interpersonal relationships, I suppose- My flaws and anxiety-induced communication issues make it really hard for people to feel like I care or am interested in them, I think. Seeing how I hurt people, and being powerless to help people on the verge of collapse or even suicide, it eats away at me. I can’t just leave them to their depression, and I want to stay connected and I genuinely value them in my life, but it’s taken such a toll on my own mental health and I absolutely cannot leave them alone, either- the type who can and would genuinely go through with taking their own life if left with absolutely nothing. I’m not sure what to do to help them or myself, but it’s hard just watching and being the only one who can listen.

Finally drew a Rotten Nyan picture today, but not that happy with. My feelings keep swaying between good and bad, and I think I’ll add more bad in a follow up doodle as well.

I worry I speak my mind too much- to other people, with these tumblr rants, with my tweets, I feel like I talk an unnecessary amount, mostly about myself, but never about what’s important to other people. I feel I make other people feel less appreciated by how little I talk to them or about them in comparison.

I feel like what I want to make makes me a creep, and that the people I consider friends, or at least close followers, would slowly vanish on me if I keep making it. Or I risk getting labelled as something, or being mocked for my creations. It’s a weird paranoia.

I’ve had some good talks with some friends this week that helped me feel more productive, watched some artist stream and forced myself to join another discord for that artist to try to interact with other artists, as well as trying to force myself to communicate and compliment their art as much as I reasonably can. It’s hard, very hard for me, but I need to treat people better and gain more connections.

But these things have been lightening my mood a bit, and trying to inspire me to draw more. But the uncertainty still lingers- Middle Lave for example, all I think of anymore is being mean to them, or remembering the bad or the humiliating instead of making more cute things. Any time I think of any scene, it just gets twisted. I can’t think of any good scenarios, either. Thinking of all the situations that make MLave cut themselves, or cry, or how frequently MLave had restroom issues (I could write pages and pages on that nonsense alone at the risk of it becoming some fetish work or something, I already feel like I’ve written too much about it), nonsense like that. Which, is it fine to just write about that anyway? I don’t know. I’m told there’s an audience for anything, and if people want to read it, they will, and if they don’t they don’t have to, but I’m still scared of pushing away an already existing audience- Followers are one thing, I don’t expect people to keep following something they don’t enjoy, but I guess just people I’m closer to, followers who take the time to interact with me frequently, I worry what they think of me and losing them (though I don’t want to be clingy or guilt-trip anyone either).

I also think of some of the word choice I’d use- it’d be accurate and authentic, but I worry with how people will take it (for example: Lave’s nickname growing up was “retard” or “r-tard” by their sister, and “faggot” by their father, and I know that kind of language is frowned upon even more so these days, but it’d be a disservice not to include it I’d think)

I have a separate twitter for Rotten Nyan though, I just haven’t used it, so maybe when I finally update the comic I can just keep all the twisted stuff locked away on it and the tumblr accounts.

There are lots of weird things I worry about, since on the topic- I feel like I’m just very naive. I see a lot of people enjoy “bullying” my character Dolly, and at times I wonder if I should encourage it, or speak against it, or what. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, and it makes me wonder if I’m a creep for enjoying tormenting Lave, enjoying portraying self-harmful or humiliating or self-deprecating scenes and wanting to talk about them or draw them, it feels wrong. I think of Suicide Boy, where I feel it takes it a bit too overboard, but I wonder if I’m any better.

Other things I see, say, pacifiers for example, I see them a lot in my pinterest feeds and some artists I follow. First I worry they’re some kind of kink I don’t know about, and if I had them to my character it’ll sully my art somehow unexpectedly, but then I see Animal Crossing add them, so there must be some fashion trend or something to it, maybe? I probably wouldn’t actually draw art of one honestly, but it’s a weird trend I don’t understand I guess, and I wonder if I’m weird for thinking it looks cute sometimes and weird at others.

I guess overall, in short, I’m just afraid of making something that drives people away from me, or being known for something I don’t want to be known for, or something. At the same time, I feel like worrying about it and talking about it so much also makes me a creep, somehow.

Anyway, if you couldn’t tell I’m just rambling at this point, but I should change subjects.

I did lose 10 lbs / 4.5 kg since I officially started my diet two months ago, which is nice. I still am too embarrassed to say what my weight actually is (gained a little bit of weight during quarantine), but I’ve basically lost what I gained this year and am almost halfway to a healthy BMI. Afterwards, I see no reason to change my diet (other than maybe how little energy I feel eating less than 1500 calories a day), so I’ll see how far the diet takes me before it plateaus. If I can be a bodyweight to cosplay Kuja by the time I’m 30, that’ll be ideal (of course, I’d still need to put in effort to get rid of a belly and eat healthier foods, but yeah). Still surviving mainly on 100% whole wheat bread, skippy peanut butter, and kraft mac and cheese / spaghetti with meatless sauce, but in measured portions at least with three meals a day.

Also, mann, between depression and FFXIV, I’ve really been neglecting ACNH- still try to play it every day, but usually only late at night when everything’s closed, so missing out on a lot of Halloween stuff I feel.

[babilun]

“GET TO KNOW ME”

REPOST, DON’T REBLOG

TAGGED BY: @rooskiisms​ TAGGING: @ibadouji , @liagaa , @cursedjustice , @brynhildrofromantia, @drachenheld,  @ardenssolis and anybody else that wants to steal this (steal it let me know who you are so I can feel closer to you i mean wut)

NAME:   star NICKNAMES: star, moegil ( though this nickname is old as heck I still react to it) and seiza ( my ign on ffxiv that I react to in my static) GENDER: female STAR SIGN: sagittarius  HEIGHT: 5′0″ HEY I’M TINY AND PERFECT ARM REST HEIGHT ( like no joke I am the perfect size to rest your arm upon) TIME: 12:47  pm BIRTHDAY: december 19th  FAVOURITE BANDS: it changes everyday FAVOURITE SOLO ARTISTS:  don’t talk to me about music SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: lucretia by growth ( I’M TRASH FOR IDOLS OF ALL KIND) LAST MOVIE I WATCHED: fate kalied prisma 3 snow oath movie.....WAIT NO IT WAS ACTUALLY SWORD ART ONLINE  ORDINAL SCALE ( it was a good movie don’t judge) WHEN DID I CREATE MY BLOG: uhhh my first gil blog was back in 2011 and this one was revamp recently in nov  LAST THING I GOOGLED: ordinal scale because I can’t spell for shit DO I HAVE ANY OTHER BLOGS:  I HAVE SO FUCKING MANY but my main ones are @xnmyoji​ and @fakebride​ (follow them me friends ESPECIALLY SEIMEI MY GREMLIN) DO I GET ASKS: sometimes, if rarely WHY I CHOSE MY URL: I WANTED SOMETHING RELATED REALLY CLOSE TO HOME FOR GIL, since I can’t save my swordofrupture url yet (I’M WAITING TUMBLR DO IT), I still like babilun which is just Babylon in Akkadian (actually it’s just babil but it felt short so I went hunting and found babilun which looks more appealing I don’t like short or very long urls BIG SHRUG) FOLLOWING: 170 FOLLOWERS: 207 ( I had more but I blocked personals/spam bots. I don’t really care for the milestone thing but it feels nice to see people like my Gil) AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 5-6 on weekdays, and on weekends when I go to work it might be 4-5 because uhhhhhh I’m a literal night owl

LUCKY NUMBER: 19, though 6 has been a strong number for me ( but in XIV IT MUST BE 99 FOR MY LOOT) INSTRUMENTS: i used to play the flute in band back in middle school but that’s about it WHAT AM I WEARING: pjs, big tshirt that might as well be a dress and sweatpants DREAM JOB: a neet------nah, i am really interested in being an interior design but i can’t draw backgrounds to save my life but i’m taking my accounting major so maybe once I’m financially stable, I might go for interior designing again DREAM TRIP: JAPAN though I do travel to other places like China, Taiwan and Vietnam. I travel around the States, my recent trip was to LA for Anime Expo with my friends.  FAVORITE FOODS: EGGS !!! NATIONALITY: Vietnamese ( I CAN’T READ OR WRITE but I like to believe I speak...ok, can’t hold a very long conversation but it’s strong enough to talk to my grandma and get me by in Vietnam whenever I visit)  FAVORITE SONG RIGHT NOW: Breakthrough! by Trickstar ( I LOVE ENSEMBLE STARS TO DEATH BUT DON'T’ TALK TO ME ABOUT RANKING I DIE IN RANKING EVENTS)

[diskwrite-ffxiv]

My Love Letter to the Eorzean Art Exchange

As you all probably know by now, this past EAE was its last. And there’s been a lot of discussion going around about pisspoor attitudes in the FFXIV artist community, and how the ONLY TWO people who ran the EAE were seriously mistreated.

This is a huge problem, and I’m very disheartened to hear the things that have been said, not only about the AGAIN, TWO PEOPLE who ran the EAE, but also about the wonderful artists who dedicated themselves to producing something for someone else.

You’ve probably already seen things about that. I’m not here to talk about it.

Instead, I’m here to talk about how much the EAE meant to me.

I wasn’t part of it until its 2nd go. I’d never really done much as an artist before. Drawing was something I did a lot as a kid, but aside from one lone art class in college, I’d never had any formal training. Digital art was something I’d never tried, save for a brief foray in my youth in which I dubbed it “too hard.” So, when about a year and a half ago I finally purchased a tablet again, my art world changed from something I farted around with every eon or so to a real hobby I enjoyed.

I don’t consider myself an amazing artist (does any artist, really?) but I hear I’ve grown a lot. And, it’s true. My art has come a looooong long way from when I first struggled with learning how to digitally paint. And you can see it in the EAE pieces I did. Because my first one came not more than a month after I’d first gotten my hands on that tablet.

There was no judgment in the EAE. Not from the process. I stepped in, fumbling my way through with all the exhuberant enthusiasm of someone who was finally getting to do something. I’d never done an exchange like this- nor ever. Most probably wouldn’t have let me in. But in the EAE, I was as much an artist as any, and I was given the wonderful gift of getting to do something for someone else.

It was the best. Drawing someone’s character as a surprise- trying to capture the essence and give them something they’d like. It was a chance to spread my wings, to try something new, and to give a little bit of myself to a stranger and hope they’d come away happy.

I think they did- or at least I hope. But no matter what, all four times I particpated in the EAE felt like Christmas.

Getting someone new to paint. Putting out the drawing. Seeing the gallery spread out like a showcase. It was a celebration of us, the artists, the people in this community, drawings so lovingly presented from all skill levels.

From all. That’s the most important part of the EAE. As adults, we can lose touch with our hobbies when we feel we’re just not good enough. We become harder on ourselves, the self-conscious critic that never stymied us when we were young and couldn’t color between the lines. And so, we disconnect, because we become so attached to the quality we fail to love the process. To love our work. And to love ourselves.

But in the EAE no one was excluded. All were welcome. Because we all are artists.

The, again, two people who put on the EAE never failed to put their best foot forward. They were some of the kindest, most understanding organizers I’d ever had the fortune of interacting with. I knew multiple people who struggled to get their pieces out on time for one reason or another, but the EAE was nothing but supportive. Even when putting together a truly massive exchange, and all for us.

It’s easy to underestimate, standing from the outside, how much work goes into producing a collaborative community project like that. It’s easy to take it for granted. 

But they did their best, and they did it well. And they gave this wonderful gift to the community five times, despite how hard it must have been- and how thankless such a job can be.

So, I’m thanking them now. Thank you for bringing this to us. Thank you for all your hard work, your passion, your energy. Your tireless support of all artists in the FFXIV community no matter where they’re at in their journey, your genuine care of others, your commitment in seeing your vision real.

The EAE may be over. But I hope your passion is not.

It really meant the world to me.

[ffxiv-art]

(Unrelated to that weird anon talking about art quality, but) Do you guys have any criteria on the art you reblog? Such as, they have to be tagged certain things to be seen or considered by you, or that it needs to be submitted to be re-blogged here? Or perhaps they need to be a photo/photoset post type and not a text post with an image on it, to be considered. Are there any preferred or rejected themes besides that they must have a root in FFXIV?

The art that gets reblogged here 1) has to be ffxiv related and 2) can’t be hardcore porn (tasteful nudity can be posted but will be tagged nsfw,) The tags I check are #ffxiv and #ffxiv art.You are more than welcome to submit art or you can message me through tumblr’s messaging system with a link to your own artwork on tumblr and I will add it to the queue. (*****PLEASE, do not link me art that is not your own / a repost of someone else’s art. I know you’re just trying to help , but,  its really really not helpful for me and more importantly its not helpful for the original artist.*****)I try to check the tags everyday but real life does get in the way sometimes and I am unable to check them. I also check the ‘most recent’ not the ‘most popular.’ So, if you’ve posted art and its properly tagged and it hasn’t been reblogged; I either haven’t seen it or its in queue. The queue can be quite long, I think right now its at about 95-100 pieces in queue. I try to reblog everyone’s art equally, but I am human and sometimes I miss a piece or two so if you feel like I've missed yours, please message me.I hope this helps!