#I must choose but I think I've been incoherent before and I have to go check which tag I've used where and fix it

[longagoitwastuesday]

I love Christian.

[waitmyturtles]

I was reading your meta posts on how you're watching older thai bls to get an understanding of where they come from and looking at the works you've seen and yet to see, it makes me really see that somehow i managed to be there for the start and kinda rise of thai bl dramas, where we used to get (1) bl a year, skip seeing a lot of the growing pains drama live and now am back to bls when they're doing some of their best works and also so much quantity in bls to choose from and also finally start getting gls???

Like when you're like oh how it must have been to watch these dramas in 2016, I'm like not 2016, but 2017, but I WAS THERE with regards to sotus and sotus s.

And gods was i OBSESSED WITH KONGART at the time. And i personally think that sotus wouldn't be as fondly remembered for me personally, if sotus s didn't exist. Because for me, i really liked sotus s more and it's still the part (along with the our skyy ep) I've rewatched more over the actual SOTUS drama. That's also probably because i love seeing more established relationship in dramas lol

And while i can't comment on krust acting because it HAS been quite a while since i last rewatched sotus or sotus s, I'd say with regards to arthit, i like him a lot better in sotus s than in sotus. Do with that what you will lol

And i think it's a large part of how it was my first thai bl and the nostalgia of it is part of why i still look back on it fondly despite all the problems i can see in it now, looking back. Same with petekao in dark blue kiss and love me again.

Like when i came back to watching bls in 2022 (after a lengthy break of not watching them 2019-22) you what blew my mind the most? Not the quality of bls because that, i realised, AFTER i watched the shows. But the SHEER QUANTITY of them.

Like if you told the me that was watching sotus that something as awesome as February of this year where i had quality ongoing bl dramas to watch from MONDAY TO SATURDAY I'd be like don't be delusional that wouldn't happen EVER.

Oh how i love to be proven wrong and i see I'm yet again going off on an unrelated tangent.

I think that's part why ppl who started watching bls with 2gether look back at it so fondly despite i personally finding it a good bl but not worth rewatching.

Because that 1st bl nostalgia is a heavy drug.

And i think part of WHY i fell so heavily into sotus is BECAUSE it borrowed from the ye olde yaoi tropes, which i personally, liked reading about at that time. Plus it was what dominated the stories in the yaoi manga at the time! So as a naive teen, it was what I'd like because i had NOTHING ELSE in the yaoi section. I also read shoujo manga at the time and let's just say it wasn't doing too much better lol

And speaking from the perspective from an asian, living in an asian country myself, I discovered the existence of queer people via these yaoi manga (my country was and still is pretty queerphobic and it didn't help i was brought up in a kind of smaller town. Small by my country standard, western ppl would probably be shocked at the population in our small cities lmao) and eventually leading to my eventual discovery of my own queerness, these manga are a large part of at least the younger gen who have read such stuff in my country being at least less queerphobic. But that's a rant for some other time.

I'll stop with that train of thought before I go off more than i already have in your ask lmao.

Thanks for reading this slightly incoherent rambling in your ask lol

But anyways i hope you enjoy watching these dramas and I'll be looking forward to more of your drama reviews!

Oh my GOODNESS -- thank you SO, SO MUCH for sending this reflection my way! I so appreciate it!

As a kid of Asian immigrants in the States -- I SO appreciate hearing the thoughts of other Asians (and especially Asians in Asia!) watching these amazing shows that we love. And thank you for sharing your perspective in regards to your realizing your own queerness -- and how these dramas, and yaoi manga, helped you realize that and gave you artistic support. I think that's so incredibly important. Sending so many hugs to you -- art is amazing.

Regarding KongArt -- I am there with you. If it had been 2016, and I was a BL fan then, and I was LOOKING for a BL drama, I would have been ALL OVER that ship, and totally obsessed with it, because it was the first BL central/solo plot of a drama. (I likely would have also been far more obsessed with Phun and Noh in Love Sick, too, ha.)

My first ever-ever BL was 2019's What Did You Eat Yesterday/Kinou Nani Tabeta, and the ship of Shiro x Kenji will forever remain my favorite (not even withstanding that they're played by two of Japan's best actors of all time). I totally understand that the "1st bl nostagia is a heavy drug." Bad Buddy isn't my first Thai BL, but it was the first that truly wrapped me up in an analytical spiral, and I literally think about Bad Buddy and WDYEY on a daily basis. I love the feeling these shows give me by way of how smart and equitable they are.

Thanks so much for diving into my OGMMTVC project with me. I'm always taking recommendations. I may very well pick up SOTUS S and the SOTUS Our Skyy episodes, but only after I finish my main list -- I know that the fandom generally thinks those two pieces are better, but I still need a touch of a break from Krust, ha.

HUGS. What a wonderful reflection to read this morning. I so appreciate your note!

[themarginalthinker]

OK HI IM BACK

This is mostly going to be train of thought, so bear with me here. If it's incoherent, I'm so sorry :c

First, I'll say that Imalia's situation is fucking horrifying, and not because she's a Nos. She might not have been a peach in life, but no one deserves to come home one night, have a strange man in your space, be assaulted by that man, taken with him away from your work, friends, family, your LIFE, and expected to suddenly live under him for possibly eternity while everyone around you makes snide remarks about you being a 'fallen beauty queen' and disregards the pain you're in every day for the rest of your unlife.

I don't hate Imalia, I feel fucking sickened by her situation. She's not a pleasant person, and I don't blame her a single word.

Should she be going after Tawney? No, but it's not really about Tawney. She's a placeholder for Imalia's real trauma, that, because it's a Kindred older than her and also her sire, she'll never be able to touch - and in some ways, she'll never even THINK to touch. Gary's little narrative has worked its wonders in redirecting Imalia's wrath from the root of that pain and horror. Nice going, Gar.

-

I've said this before in a post, I think, about how the Nos's symbol is a mask - in itself a symbol of hidden/false identity, projection, and to a further extreme story telling and conveyance of information (ie, the greek chorus to an audience). So, let's talk about vtm Nosferatu and identity.

I think out of all the clans, the Nosferatu exemplify the issue of identity and even a strata of queerness within the world of the Kindred. Even among those pushed to the edges of the inner circles, such as Gangrel, who often go there by choice, Malkavians, who are not there by choice usually but are too diverse of a group to neatly fit into one space, and Tzimisce who, if they so chose, could fit into whatever box they like. Nosferatu cannot do that.

They cannot change what they are, what they look like, and in some way it frustrates the greater Kindred world. It's not that they particularly care what the Nos look like - it's because they cannot CONTROL what the Nos look like, and how the rest of the world will see them. In many respects it's like chronic illness, or, well, a disfigurement in the real world. People hate what they cannot control, even subconsciously, and someone who 'won't get better' or a person who has Changed in a certain way that cannot be made 'normal' again makes them feel out of control, and thus threatened.

They do not want to look at the Nosferatu, not because their disfigurements are particularly bad - most canon concept art for them is fairly fucking tame, I've seen far, far worse done to these poor ocs in the fandom sphere, and if you want Actually Horrific, look at the FUCKING TZIMISCE WHO DO THAT SHIT WILLINGLY - but because the Nosferatu remind them with just existing that whatever Kindred society is doing is nothing but a giant game of dress up.

Of clinging to an identity that might not actually fit at all anymore, but because the face you see in the mirror every night is unchanged, the old identity MUST fit. It HAS to. Otherwise, you cannot function.

When you become Nosferatu, you HAVE to not only change, but accept that change, or you will either lost whatever mind you had, or lay down and not get back up again. They do not get to choose what happens to them, how long it takes, when it happens. It just. Happens. Total loss of all control.

That's frightening. It's uncomfortable to think about, so let's put it where we don't have to see it, think about it, acknowledge that it's there. It's very easy to take the discomforted feelings towards something and twist them into another to hide the reasl narrative. Uncomfortable thoughts when seen? Well. They look hideous, so of COURSE it's not nice having them around! Get shoved out of the 'nice' places in the world, forced to take residence in the worse areas? Well, they seem to LIKE being there, so it serves them right if we don't like them! They don't seem to WANT people to like them!

The circle of thought goes round and round.

Nosferatu are, in my mind, also 'not gay as in happy, but queer as in fuck you'.

There are a lot of boxes one can put them in to try and keep them out of the way, but they'll still scoot that damn box back into your line of sight and then only put one foot in it just to spite you. 'You can't say I'm NOT in your little box! :D'

Are they the disgusting beings haunting trashpiles and sewers and all the unwanted places of the world? Loving turning beauty into horror, seeing the good die and decorating with its rotting corpse? If they can't have something pretty, no one can?

Are they misunderstood monsters, beasts with hearts of gold? Do they project an air of ugly so to keep those who would not go through the turmoil of digging through the garbage to find that diamond away?

Are they just ugly, and that's that? Do you have a right to call them that, even when they call themselves that? Is there more? Less?? Do you even want to know???

The Nosferatu exist outside of mainstream Kindred society, and whether it's by choice or being unwelcome anywhere else, they have found each other and other individuals who were also given the boot. There is honestly no community like that found when someone can understand your pain. There is no understanding like seeing a mirror of yourself, reaching out, and the mirror holds your hand and says 'I'm here, and soon, you will be too.'

The Nosferatu isn't about beauty, because we can ask 'what IS beauty' and run ourselves to death trying to answer that question. We won't. The Nosferatu are about knowing every aspect of yourself, even the parts you don't want to see, because seeing those parts for what they are helps make you whole.

ok, rant over, I'm sorry again this is a whole lot of nothing-ramble

I am by no means an expert on VtM lore, but a lot of the Nosferatu's behavior towards vanity in both Kine and Toreador is... iffy. In theory, it's an insightful perspective on how we put too much stock in physical beauty and our libidos can be a factor in our overall shortcomings. In practice, it comes off as incel/generally misogynistic. Especially with that whole 'Cleopatra' jargon.

I think Bloodlines demonstrates this the best. In the Warrens, you meet two Nosferatu that Gary Golden sired. Mitnick and Imalia. Mitnick was 'embraced' by Gary because Mitnick was a hacker who actually was skilled enough to get into a Nosferatu database. Meanwhile Gary had Imalia turned into a Nosferatu because... she was pretty? And kinda full of herself?

You see what I mean?

Now granted, Bloodlines is almost twenty years old now, but I've yet to see anything from the IP that suggests it's gotten better.

[liskantope]

While I'm thinking about yesterday's topic of personality traits so striking and immutable-appearing that I'm tempted to think of them as genetic or entrenched from very early in life, here is another personal example.

[Content warning: food, as it relates to anxiety.]

All my life I've heard of people describing eating as a way for them to cope with anxiety or depression or difficult feelings (hence the expression "eat your feelings"). I don't really relate to any variant of this, but let me focus on eating out of anxiety specifically, because in that regard, I feel like my tendency is as far polar opposite as it's possible to go.

I don't think I've ever talked about this much on Tumblr (even though I was quite active on here during the years when it was causing me the most trouble), but for as long as I can remember, I've known my appetite to drop precipitously at the slightest presence of a certain emotional kind of anxiety. It's kind of hard for me to overstate how pronounced this has always been and how far it reaches: in some way, nowadays that I've run into my share of (capital-A) Anxiety, I can say that Anxiety feels almost equivalent to a feeling that my stomach "closes" (I don't know what other word to use to describe this mostly-psychological sensation) and will not entertain the idea of admitting food.

The concept of feeling the urge to eat brought on by anxiety is so incredibly foreign to me that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. And it's honestly quite hard for me to imagine this ever radically changing in me. I suppose that a certain kind of therapy could make it milder (nowadays I don't consider it to have any real detrimental effect on my life and so wouldn't seek therapy for it), but I just can't conceive of anything short of some sort of much more drastic medical intervention turning me into a human who falls anywhere close to the "eats to deal with anxiety" side of the spectrum.

At the same time, I suspect that those with a particularly pronounced tendency to crave food or the act of eating when they're dealing with anxiety (which seem to be a more sizable portion of the population, or at least I hear more about them) feel a similar way, like they can't conceive of what it must be like to be Liskantope, and they can't imagine what could be done to push them to the realm of the opposite trait.

I've always kind of assumed therefore that this trait is genetic or somehow otherwise innate (before anyone suggests that I'm straying close to eugenicist beliefs again, it's not at all obvious to me which mode is more advantageous or "exceptional" or anything), just because of how immutable and core to my personality it feels. As of the past few days, with the whole discussion about my last post where I suggested that something was genetic because it feels hard to change, I'm beginning to question that kind of assumption: maybe this is just a matter of being near one pole of a very continuous spectrum where genes have some influence but still allow for a ton of wiggle room, I don't know.

I will say that the trait I was discussing in the previous posts -- the ability to deliberately choose what to believe fully knowing that it isn't based on evidence -- seems different in that I can't conceive of being the other way in the more fundamental sense that it renders the very definition of the word belief incoherent for me. At least I can firmly understand on an abstract, conceptual level what it means for anxiety to lead to the urge to eat.

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend back to bitch some more in your inbox if you don't mind (if you're tired of the negativity please ignore). So here's the thing I hate about the whole cheating storyline, which ties in with your disappointment over us losing the satisfying breakup we were hoping for. It's really the deception with TayKay after that got me, whatever I may think of her character. We not too long ago saw Buck give Eddie an impassioned speech at being on the end of relationship where TBC

he was the person more invested, and how heartbreaking that was, a confession that pushed Eddie to breakup with Ana, in part so he wouldn't cause the same hurt (that Buck had gone through). Now, instead of getting Buck doing the same thing (stopping things before people really get hurt and choosing himself) he can only get the reverse. Buck must realize he's not that attached to TayKay, that he's not happy in the relationship if he's kissing someone else, HE'S not invested. Now, after half of season of Buck trying his best, to his detriment, to make things work, of making those sacrifices and us having to watch him being miserable, it's instantly undone by him lying and doubling down how invested he is in the relationship by asking her to move in. HE is now the person causing that pain he so intensely warned Eddie against causing, and it makes no fucking sense why he would do that!!! It's a selfish choice in all the worst ways that Buck as a character is not!! And no, I don't buy the argument "but Buck is spiraling", so was Eddie when he broke things off with Ana (and he continues to) but he still was prompted in part by the idea of hurting someone long term. Buck has been in that position, I just can't comprehend him actively doing it to avoid an awkward confession. Anyway, the whole thing feels like a cheap attempt to garner sympathy for the reporter (who's leaving anyway??) at the expense of Buck's personal growth.

Hello my friend! You are always welcome to air your grievances in my inbox! I was going to do this yesterday, but my niece was in town for a visit and at almost 5, she has more energy than I have ever had across my entire life combined. 🤣 Also I started this one first but VERY quickly lost the thread and became a rambling incoherent mess so I had to simmer down and answer some other things and get my thoughts in order.

Absolutely YES to all of this. Remember back in season 1 when a bunch of girls accused Buck of cheating and everyone shrugged and Buck was so hurt that the people he loved and respected would think he would ever do something like that? Remember nine episodes ago where Buck flat out told Eddie that just "sticking it out" with Ana wasn't enough for Eddie, and wasn't fair to Ana? But please tell me again how his spiraling manages to turn him into a completely different person than the narrative has told us he is for the past 4.5 seasons. 🙄

As with RNM, an argument can always be made for why a character would do something they did. It's a natural response to want to make sense out of the narrative! And for the people who have found their peace with it, good for them, cope however you need to! But given what we know about KR, her attitudes and what she prioritizes, the argument can also be made that this particular moment of cheating isn't some masterclass in storytelling, but a petty showrunner making a play for cheap drama, and also making her pet-project character that everyone hated look sympathetic, while also working in Female Version of Buck 2.0 to throw at him seeing if this one sticks. (Spoiler alert, it won’t. The GA already hate her more than they did tay kay because while she was just mean to their beloved fave, this one made him a cheater. (don’t @ me, I’m not saying she MADE him cheat, but her character’s purpose was to make him into a cheater))

Look. I've said it several times (at least in tags, but probably in some posts too. My brain is still soup, but it's like....furiously boiling soup 🤷‍♀️) that I don't like and probably never will, how this storyline started. Just because the argument can be manipulated to make some kind of sense, doesn't automatically make it good or good storytelling. An argument could be made that when Maddie left, Chim got upset and and then met some new single mom at a mommy and me playdate thing and started a fling with a random woman in his heartbreak before Buck found out where Maddie was and Chim went to look for her. Because he's spiraling right? So he might do something that seems OOC, but it's fine because it's part of the trauma spiral! 🙃 Again, something you would expect to see on any other run-of-the-mill procedural show because that's the max level of *drama* packed into the storyline, but that wouldn't be true to Chim's character, and it wouldn't be good storytelling.

It's the same with this cheating thing with Buck, and I'm soooo angry, because if he had broken up with his gf and THEN kissed the new lady before panic leaving because he doesn't want to be Buck 1.0 again? Only to have her show up as the new replacement that he now has to work with? And Hen knows and spends the whole time teasing him, and it's a little awkward but falls on the fun side of soapy drama? I could have enjoyed that! I mean, I'd still be hardcore 🙄🙄🙄 and side-eyeing the writers for him getting to make out with Eddie's female counterpart because non-gay men and non-lesbian women cannot work together without banging it out at least once 🙄 but in the context of the show I wouldn't mind them sharing scenes and things being a little awkward. How many fics are there where Buck and Eddie meet and hook up and then, surprise! Eddie is the new recruit! And it’s awkward! Again, a little side eye at the writers, but overall a fun trope!

But now? With the cheating AND the lying about the cheating? (which, JAIL for the writers for dragging Hen into that mess without a firm “definitely yes always honesty” policy) All their scenes are going to be gross and cringe and unenjoyable. Plus if KR and AK are to be believed, she's going to pull an Eddie and fit right in with everyone, impressing them, teaming up with Bobby to tease Buck and KR is pushing to have her and her whole cop family brought around for season 6 which....I can't even talk about because my blood pressure is already high enough. The point is, instead of getting Lena 2.0 with some fun scenes (her face during the grocery store fight slays me every time as does her question to Eddie about her cat only to be like "I don't have a cat, you bumbling imbecile."), and her pushing Buck to be more and more reckless until something bad finally happens and Bobby has to intervene, it's apparently per AK going to all be "sexual tension" and her comforting Buck in his time of need and a whole lot of other bullshit we could all do without.

It's absolutely cheap drama by a writer and showrunner who has clear priorities (rando white women hooking up with Buck > literally anything else), and who doesn't see the value in important conversations. Because Tim is the one who wrote and included the Will scene and the scene where Buck goes to talk to Chris after he leaves the hospital, and she’s out here saying the will isn't important and won't come up again (meaning the shooting likely isn't something on her radar to discuss either even though it's like...THEE elephant in the room), and saying Buck and Chim talked it out off screen (though the last we saw was Chim still being pissy and not quite ready to forgive so IDK what the fuck she's talking about), and cutting scenes like Bobby/Chim and Eddie/Chim (but there was only so much of the reporter because they didn't have enough cast and needed someone cheap to fill in don't you know? Don't tell that to all the Ghost Stories footage on the cutting room floor). It’s just....it’s A Lot, and I don’t think it’s fair to hate on people pointing out that while this narrative CAN lead to something interesting, it didn’t have to be this way and it’s not the best choice they could have made, because we know that one of the people in charge right now is Like That. 

ANYWAY. I have another ask from someone else that is about the narrative satisfaction of the breakup and the one we DIDN’T get satisfaction out of in RNM so stay tuned for something real salty coming up probably tomorrow. 

As always, it is a JOY to have you in my inbox 😘 Come spill the tea any time!

[applesfallingfromblondehair]

fic writer interview

(a pic to get your attention, and to remind us all of how strong a look this was--you're welcome)

Tagged by @phoenix-ascended, thank you!!

name: C (heavensfallingaroundus on AO3)

fandoms: I wrote a lot of Madderton in 2019/2020, before I lost all hope 😂 I also wrote them as David Budd and Eggsy Unwin in a Kingsman/Bodyguard crossover that is long, wonderful and tragically still unfinished to this day--but I swear we're going to finish it one day, hopefully soon. Basically what I'm trying to say is: anything with Taron Egerton, and I'm game. I also wrote some other British Actor RPF starring the usual suspects (Colin Firth, Kit Harington, etc.) and a single Achilles x Patroclus oneshot after finishing Madeline Miller's The Song of Achilles. I read mostly Taron RPF (but not het stuff because it makes me uncomfortable, soz) and Hartwin--although I must admit I've not been reading as much as I would like, lately.

two-shot: What an odd question. I don't know if it counts as a two-shot, but this pair of crackficks (#sponcon) is definitely the best sorta-two-chaptered thing I've ever written, also thanks to my wonderful co-author and my favourite human on the planet, @its-a-soft-science. I'm also partial to where we're going, because it paints a version of events where everything turned out alright.

most popular multi-chapter fic: Still to this day, it's Three. If you were around when i was writing and publishing it, in the second half of 2019, you know how much that work took out of me and how I never took a break for around 6 months. It was the proverbial wild ride of my life as a fic writer, and even if I maybe think the quality of the work is not as good as it could have been, I still really love it. If you like a long and winding story, you should definitely check out Kingsman: The Highlands Liaison, which (I would like to solemnly promise once more) @misslittlefreckles and I are definitely going to finish.

actual worst part of writing: Definitely planning. I'm someone who would jump straight into writing a scene and 'go with the flow' most of the time, letting the inspiration lead me here or there... but in most cases one definitely needs to plan, cross the t's and dot the i's to make sure that there are no plotholes, incoherences of any kind, etc. And then probably the second worst part of writing is when you can't. The ol' WB is a bee in my bonnet at the moment, and I can't wait for it to pack its bags and fuck off.

how you choose your titles: Song titles and lyrics all the way. Music is a huge part of my creative process.

do you outline: Like I said--I don't love doing it, but I recognize the benefits in doing it, so the answer's yes.

ideas you probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice: Goddamnit, I have a list in my phone notes app all about this. Let's see: a third and fourth installment of this Madderton wedding series (I had started writing a stag do part 3 but I never got anywhere with it), a fic on the wild night before Carpool Karaoke (they reportedly got blind drunk and they looked like the most fucked out + hungover pair of lovebirds ever on the day), a massive AU that I'd plotted a year and a half ago where Taron is a bit of an Eggsy character (estate kid with an abusive family history getting in serious trouble) and Richard his slightly older and incredibly competent hot daddy lawyer, several Christmas stories based on popular Christmas flicks, and finally another massive AU, which I'm not telling you anything about because it might well happen at some point in the near future.

callouts @ me: People definitely seem to have beef with me not jumping on the Richard/F**y train. To all my haters, a kind reminder to live and let live xoxo

best writing traits: I tend to use language that is a bit baroque sometimes but it also tends to go down pretty well. I've also been told I can successfully build up a lot of tension and then deliver on it quite effectively.

spicy tangential opinion: After almost 2 years of waiting for it, the Madden CK campaign is terribly underwhelming. The definition of overpromising and underdelivering.

Tagging @himbomcavoy, @taste-thewaste, @johaeryslavellan, @zebraljb

[levbug]

𝐏𝐑𝐄-𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐉𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 — 𝐠𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐤𝐢 𝐭.

#pairings ー  goshiki tsutomu x gender neutral! reader

#warnings ー second year! goshiki, self-doubt, panic attacks, swearing (courtesy of shirabu)

#wc ー 1.7k

the first match of the year was always important to the players of shiratorizawa. to some, it signified the starting of something new and exciting, a journey to make the shiratorizawa team better than they were previously. to remind others that they were still a powerhouse school, despite past losses. to others, it meant proving yourself as the player you wanted to be.

goshiki was torn between both categories. he wanted to carry his team as a strong ace (preferably deemed stronger than his predecessor) and with pride. he wanted to be reliable. the backbone of the team. the one everyone could count on when they were in a pinch.

but how could he do that when he had been reduced to a sobbing, shaking mess?

he was surrounded by his teammates, who were trying to calm him down. the second and third years were fussing over him, trying to hype him up while the shy first years stood quietly to the side, pitying their senior. however, the encouraging words of goshiki's teammates fell on deaf ears as his breathing only quickened.

"shit," shirabu cursed under his breath, standing up from his squatting position in front of goshiki. he knew exactly how the young ace was feeling since he had been made captain after all the third years left. still, he was level-headed enough to not have a panic attack just 30 minutes before their first game of the year.

"somebody find (last name)!" his order spurred the stagnant first years, who were waiting on the tips of their toes to be allowed to help their much-respected senior. one of them (shirabu wasn't too familiar with the players who weren't in the starting roster) nodded and immediately left the locker room to find the said person.

"i've tried everything," kawanishi muttered, toying with the tape he had on his fingers. shirabu sighed. "are you sure (last name) can calm the guy down?"

shirabu nodded, his nervous ticks coming out. he anxiously checked at his nail beds, teeth almost cutting through the skin. "let's just hope they can."

just as the words left his mouth, the door slammed open. all eyes were on the entryway, startled by the sudden entrance.

"i'm here! where is he?" your eyes searched for your boyfriend, who you had been told was getting some pre-game jitters. no one had been given a chance to respond to your question because once your gaze landed on the cluster of boys who were surrounding a bench, you made a beeline for them.

shirabu and kawanishi silently thanked all the deities that they believed in, just thankful that you were finally here. "let's give them some privacy." the shorter male nudged his friend, who immediately got the message. kawanishi silently gestured for the rest of the team to follow him and shirabu out of the locker room.

you and goshiki barely noticed the other boys leaving the room—you were too focused on fussing over the shaking boy.

"tsutomu? focus on my voice, love," you ordered softly, holding his trembling hands between yours. goshiki sniffled, muttering a string of incoherent words as his grip on your fingers tightened. "it's okay, tsu. i'm here now."

you wrapped your arms around his neck. he buried his face in the crook of your neck, unaware of the tears and snot staining your clothes. you didn't care though, you only held him tighter. "wanna tell me what's on your mind?" your voice was soft, not wanting to force him into telling you if he didn't want to.

goshiki lifted his head, eyes red and glassy. you brought a hand up to caress his flushed cheeks, a small frown on your face. "i-i...i'm not—" he started to say, but started sobbing again. you waited for him to calm down, muttering reassuring words and telling him he shouldn't have to worry now because it was just him and you. after a few moments, he was able to level his breathing. "i just—what if i'm n-not as good as ushijima?"

his voice cracked at the last syllable, clearly ashamed to admit this. "oh, tsutomu..." you sighed, resting your forehead on his shoulder. you couldn't see it, but you knew goshiki's lip was starting to tremble. "you don't need to feel that way. you know you don't need to compare yourself to him."

"i kn-know!" he hiccuped. "it's j-just that...what if—what if i'm not a-as dependable?" he asked, head hanging low. "i-if we didn't win against karasunoー" he clenched his fists "ーeven with ushijima, what makes you think we can win with me as the ace? i'm nowhere near as skilled as he is, even if i keep boasting about it..." he sighed. his tone had become sombre and the air surrounding you two became thicker.

tears sprang into your own eyes as he voiced his worries. the anxiety and pressure goshiki had been feeling in the days leading up to this point must have been a great amount. and to think that he must have been hiding all this from you for the past few days (weeks? months? you weren't even sure). 'he must have been so scared,' you thought.

"i'm sorry, tsutomu!" you apologized, surprising the boy seated before you. goshiki snapped out of his thoughts, head tilted slightly in confusion. "i'm sorry you felt like you had to keep all of these thoughts to yourself!" you bunched up the material of his jersey between your hands. goshiki tried to take your hands in his, but you wouldn't budge. instead, you stared him straight in the eye, gaze unrelenting. "but please, please know that you should never feel that way! ushijima may have been a strong player, but he got there because of his will to learn and improve. tsutomu, everyone has doubts about their talents or skills. everyone has that time in their life when they don't know if they're good enough. the only difference is whether or not you want to use that as a chance to improve or give up completely!"

tears were now flowing freely down your cheeks. goshiki stared at you, slack-jawed and eyes wide. "and i don't care which you choose, because i will always be with you. no matter what. and that's a promise." your voice wavered at the end of your sentence, too overwhelmed by your feelings.

goshiki barely felt the fresh round of tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time they were for a different reason. a cheeky smile tugged on the corners of his lips. "do you mean that? you'll always be with me?" he poked your cheek, clearly in a better mood now.

you wiped your tears, laughing breathlessly at his words. "is that what you got from my speech?" he laughed as well, eyes twinkling delightedly when you placed a soft peck on his knuckles. "but since you're wondering, yeah. i plan to spend my entire life with you, whether you want it or not!"

goshiki grinned, peppering your face with small kisses. you squealed at him to stop, and he did (but not without one last chaste kiss on your lips). he smiled at you, eyes filled with love and admiration. goshiki had never felt this feeling before, but he was glad that he felt that way for you.

"thank you, (first name)," he muttered into your hair. the strands tickled him softly when you nestled deeper into the embrace. "i needed to hear that." he whispered. you smiled, intertwining your fingers with his: your hand, just as always, fit perfectly with his.

"it's no biggie, love." you kissed his cheek, giggling when he turned a light shade of red. you sat with him a few moments more, just enjoying the peace and solidarity with your boyfriend. it wasn't until the faint cheering of the crowd outside did you realize that goshiki would miss his game if he didn't leave now. "tsutomu! what are you doing, just sitting around? you have a match in less than five minutes!"

"right, right!" goshiki scrambled to his feet, taking you with him. his tears had long ago dried, the glassy shine replaced by usual fire that burned within him.

he led you to the doorway, bouncing on the balls of his feet with an expectant look on his face. you smiled, knowing he was waiting for. "good luck out there, ace." you moved to kiss his cheek. feeling cheeky, goshiki tilted his head so you would kiss his mouth instead. you gasped in surprise, but melted into the kiss.

goshiki pulled away with a soft sigh, his hand cupping your cheek gently. "i love you." he whispered. you felt your cheeks heat up at the sincerity of his words. "i love you, too." goshiki beamed at you. his smile was infectious and you soon found yourself reciprocating it.

neither of you noticed the squeaking of rubber soles on the linoleum floor. one of goshiki's teammates rounded the corner, stopping abruptly when he saw the position that you and goshiki were in. "a-ah, sorry to disrupt you!" he quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to ruin the intimate moment any further. "c-coach washijo told me to tell you that the match will be starting soon."

you and goshiki parted from each other, wearing small, sheepish smiles. the ace scratched his head, a low, embarrassed chuckle slipping past his lips. "right," goshiki nodded at the first year, who bowed once more in apology before scampering away. "i'll see you later, yeah?"

you nodded, giving him a tight-lipped smile. "do your best out there, okay? no more of that self-doubt stuff. promise?" you held your pinky out to him. he chuckled before linking his pinky finger with yours.

"i promise," he grinned. a faint shout of his name from around the corner snapped you both out of your little bubble and goshiki finally let go of you. "i've got to go now," he said sadly. "but promise you'll keep your eyes on me the entire time?" he asked, eyes twinkling. you nodded, murmuring a soft 'yeah,' in response. "good! i'll see you after the game. i promise to make you proud!"

and with one last kiss on your head, goshiki left. you watched his receding figure with a dazed grin, butterflies erupting in your stomach just like they did when you had first met him.

"you always make me proud, tsutomu."