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yelenasdog · 4 years ago

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wondrous mess (40s!bucky x fem reader)

𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚍𝚋𝚘𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: angst with some tooth rotting fluff halfway

𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: war is so cruel, it’s only fair that the both of them have to expirience it’s wrath together.

𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜: 11k+ (my longest fic!!)

𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: the beginning shows implications of alcoholic tendencies and behavior as well as derogatory terms from the 40s to describe those who are suffering from alcoholism, war, character death, denial of death, being a widow, cheating, crying, implications of sex, that’s abt it. if i missed any, feel free to shoot me an ask or message :)

𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: (listen to these in order for best reading experience)

☆time flies- mac miller

☆at last- etta james

☆crying time- dean martin

☆paper rings- taylor swift

☆fine line- harry styles

☆dream a little dream of me- ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong

☆twilight time- the platters

☆you don’t have to say you love me- jerry vale

☆moon river- andy williams

☆as the world caves in- matt maltese

☆we’ll meet again- vera lynn

☆everlong (acoustic version)- foo fighters

𝚊/𝚗: i hope u enjoy this!! i’ve worked so hard on this and done so much research, it truly took the most time and effort i’ve ever used in a fic. there’s more disclaimers at the end :)

·。·☆·。·。

December 28th, 1941

The alleyway was dark, unnerving, and cold. A man’s loud and gruff voice projected through the nearly empty alley, bouncing off of the newly propaganda strewn walls. His arm was left hanging defenseless in the air.

“Don’t go, please, we’ll talk it out.” His 5 o’clock shadow seemed more prominent, his clothes wrinkled and smelling of alcohol while his breath was that of smoke.

He had changed since they had gotten together, but he wasn’t the only one.

She turned on her heels from where she stood just outside the backstreet, tears pricking the corner of her eyes, threatening to spill.

She had aged in the time she had been with Jake, the lines on her face deepening, the bags under her eyes darkening with blue and purple hues. Her painted lips had become cemented in a scowl, her formerly bright smile rarely seeing the light of day. But the distraught girl had no intentions of letting her new Bésame mascara go to waste on some jerk, much like the past few years of her life had. She strutted towards the blonde, regaining her lost composure.

She jabbed a manicured finger onto his chest, causing the man to recede slowly, the girl he had angered not far behind.

“You listen here, you crumb. I will not sit around all slack happy so you can go around and kiss some other dame behind my back.” She removed her hand, crossing it tightly against her chest with her other arm.

“Well, I was buzzed, that bird wasn’t even any importanc-“

“You’re unbelievable!” She gasped, rolling her eyes. She turned away once again. Jake followed in suit.

“Leave me alone, Jake.” She kept her eyes straight ahead on the unfamiliar Brooklyn sidewalk. She had originally come to the area to surprise her now ex- boyfriend after his work in the factory, but was in for a shock when she saw him making out with some girl (not for the first time) just outside the diner on the way.

So even if she didn’t have a clue where she was going, she sure as hell was going to act like she did. Seeing that her stride wasn’t faltering, he made an outcry of her name followed by a bellowed “No!”

Jake grabbed her shoulder, and she shrugged it off, continuing to walk down the cobblestone street. There were cars buzzing past, and people talking around her on the street.

Couples. Happy couples who she quite honestly envied.

“You’re not allowed to touch me like that anymore.” Jake scoffed at her seemingly venomous words, wrapping a strong hand around her dainty wrist.

“Now don’t go into a decline, it’s not that big of a deal.” Her eyes narrowed at the sandy blond.

“Oh, please. You kissed her, and all the others, because you wanted to and because you could. No regard for anyone’s feelings but your own, just like always. And I’m sick of it, I really am!” She threw her hands up, and they fell back to her side with an audible plop against the gabardine fabric.

Jake looked around nervously at all the people whose attention he had drawn, his eyes darting to and fro.

“Don’t make a scene,” he called her by her nickname in a vain attempt to draw out her sympathy. “Please, we can work it out like we always do.”

“Don’t you dare call me that. You have no place to do so. And I think I’ve made my point fairly evidently. Jake Nelson, you are nothing but a swigger and a cheat, and I want nothing to do with it any longer. Goodbye.” She felt a rush of adrenaline as she picked her head up, the setting sun in what to her seemed a poetic manor.

She didn’t know where she was, how she would get home, where she would sleep. But he was gone. That parasite that had been feeding off of her and her emotions, taking advantage of her again and again, was finally gone. And it felt great. She took a breath of the heavily polluted air, noting how it somehow seemed clearer.

She could breathe again, and the feeling was intoxicating. In her newfound bliss, she continued walking for she didn’t know (nor care to find out) how long.

The sky that had since changed from it’s scarlets and oranges to an indigo sheet (becoming nearly impossible to see the stars with all the heavy smoke wafting in the air from the ever so busy factories) provided a hint at exactly how long it had been since she began her adventure.

She would stare at the buildings as she walked past, analyzing those who walked in and out of them, considering the way they walked, how some appeared dreary, others animated, and making up backstories for them each in her mind. Some of her stories were sadder than others, and some had the most glorious of tales. She liked to think that she was correct about her human hypotheses, even if she was the furthest thing from it.

She swung her head to the left side of the street she was walking on, and not far ahead, she noticed a rickety looking old bar. After her day's events, she felt she deserved a celebratory drink, so she pushed the heavy door open, stepping into the dimly lit area.

The airy sound of piano filled the air, a joyful demeanor to the place. Couples (which she still envied, even if momentarily the said envy had gone vacant) were dancing about happily. Not a care in the world. Not in the moment, at least.

But when she made it past the entrance, that moment stopped. It was like every head turned, all conversations paused, the clinking of the piano keys was no longer to be heard. She gave a small nervous smile to the occupants of the room as she walked to the bar itself, standing just a tad bit taller at the attention.

And as soon as the moment had stopped, it seemed to have started back up again when she ended up at her destination. Because as she had learned, time truly never stopped for anyone.

The piano’s melody resumed, everyone was back on their feet in no time. She took a look around, soaking up the atmosphere in complete awe, feeling free as a bird of some sort.

Soon enough, she was slowly sipping away at her concoction while facing the splintering door, her head occupied with thoughts concerning what came next, how she would handle the effects of this adrenaline high she was now stepping off. Her thinking was interrupted, though, by a deep voice and a tap on the shoulder, making her jump in her seat.

“‘Scuse me?”

She turned on her stool to face whoever it was that wanted her attention. Both figures eyes widened at the sight of the other, shock spreading across their faces.

“Well if it isn’t James Barnes!” She spoke, genuine excitement filling her soul. He called out her old nickname, contended with his discovery.

“It’s been awhile! And please, doll, it’s Bucky.” He reminded her with a charming smile. A warm blush rose up from her neck to her cheeks, and butterflies suddenly hatched in her stomach, fluttering about like nobody's business. She nodded, taking another sip from her drink to avoid meeting his eyes (which were much prettier than she ever had remembered from school).

The clean shaven boy- or man as of late, pulled out a chair next to her, sitting down. The two engaged in friendly conversation, their laughs mixing in the warm, thick air with the sounds of the music. Her heart was beating out of her chest, leaving her feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush all over again.

After some time of very pleasant conversation, a less effervescent matter had risen.

“So,” James began, taking a swig from his glass. “Still with that souse, what was his name,” he said, snapping his fingers. “Jake! That’s his name, Jake!”

The girl shook her head and rolled her eyes with a laugh.

He was enchanted already.

She began to tell a toned down version of the occurrences with Jake, Bucky remaining captivated by her presence the entire time. James would speak up every few statements, always resulting in her losing her place, not that she minded.

Towards the end of the so called story, there was an interruption towards the front of the bar.

The moment stopped once more, but in a quite different manner than how it did when she had first entered.

He hollered out her name, followed by an equally as loud “Where are you?” He turned to a man to his left. “Where is she?” He slurred. The scruffy man only shrugged, scooting away from the drunken one that had walked into the brick building.

“Jake, what are you doing here?” She questioned, slowly walking towards the man, trying not to upset him further.

“Why’d you leave me, huh?! Why’d you cause a scene and go?” He was hysterical. Tears ran down his red face and his hands feverishly grabbed at his scraggly locks for some sense of comfort.

“Jake, you’re not in your right mind. Leave me alone and go home, you’re leaving your mother worrying, I’m sure of it.”

Her voice began to shake, ripples of emotion that had been repressed for the past years bubbling up to the surface, taunting her, threatening her, to erupt.

And God, his mother, his poor mother.

The frail old woman was half the reason she had even stayed with Jake in the first place,

Her heart was weak, and her son’s behavior never left her any room to breath. So the girl would dedicate much of her time to cooking meals for the widowed Ms. Nelson, bringing them over and sitting with her for hours on end, speaking with her of Jake’s childhood, memories of her late husband spending time with the boy along with it.

Her favorite stories throughout them all, though, were the ones of Jake’s childhood pup, a golden retriever called Benjamin.

Ms. Nelson loved to tell the story of how odd it was that the young boy chose the human name, rather than something frivolous and fun, like Buddy, or Peanut.

So a teary eyed version of the girl would think back to that story whenever Jake would behave in this manner, she would think of Benjamin and a youthful Jake, frolicking in the Oklahoma fields where Jake had grown up.

An extremely happy child, an even sweeter boy.

But no longer could she do so. Not now, after Jake had gone and betrayed her for some random girl.

Some random girl who would never sit with his mother for hours, listening to her weep about her broken son who she pretended to not notice was silently suffering. Some random girl who wouldn’t comfort him when he had a rough day at work, trying to be an active distraction so that he wouldn’t turn to his vice.

Because she had loved Jake Nelson, even if she wanted to pretend she didn’t.

And it hurt her to walk away, but she had to, for his own good.

Which led her to push the image of a golden fluff ball and the face of a smiling small boy out of her mind completely, weighing herself down to the present, meeting Jake’s sad emerald eyes. She walked forward, taking him by the shoulders. Her voice was hushed as she spoke.

“Jake. You’ve become someone I don’t know, someone that’s hard to love. But I did it anyway for a long, long time. Maybe some other time, perhaps even in another life, we can be together. But that all depends on you.

You’ve hurt me, and I can’t pretend you haven’t any longer, Jake. So go home. Please.”

Her eyes hunted through his, sifting for some sign of reassurance that he understood the gravity of the situation.

“But I love you-” He whispered, acting a stuttering mess. Everyone at the bar had gone back to whatever they were doing before he came into the room, not wanting to involve themselves in whatever mess it was obvious the two of them were in.

She took hold of the brown fabric of his coat, gently turning him towards the door. She walked behind him, her hand not leaving his back for some subconscious fear he would do something he would regret once he was of sober mentality.

She discarded it as nonsense;

But nevertheless, her death grip on him never faltered, even for a moment.

As soon as she made it outside, she waved over a cab, the bright yellow vehicle being the only completely visible object in the cool night.

It pulled over with a loud screech, leaving rubber tracks on the damp asphalt. She wrinkled her nose, before digging around her embroidered bag in a flurry, pulling together $5.27 exactly. She knew it would be enough to cover the long ride from the factory to his home, as the high cost of the ride was one of his many worries he did his best to forget in any way he could possibly fathom.

So she told the cabbie his address, helping Jake into the back of the car. He held her hand and looked up to her with pleading eyes. She squeezed it once before putting his back on his lap.

“Goodnight, Jake.” She smiled softly, briefly touching his cheek before shutting the door. She saw him look out the dirty window, before leaning back into the leather headrest and letting his tired eyes flutter to a close, finding momentary bliss, despite all going on around him.

She took a deep breath, wrapping her cardigan tighter around her shoulders, watching him until the taxi was just barely visible, to where calling it a yellow blob would be generous. But she followed it with her eyes not a moment later, for she had some explicable fear from a tall-tale her mother had told her long ago, about how you would never see someone again if you watched them off completely.

Whether that be by death or some curious mishap along the journey towards it, she never quite felt the urge to find out. And one could take that as a bitter yet nectarous testament to her feelings towards Jake, but even if she wanted to, she wasn’t even sure if she could herself.

She revolved in zombie like fashion, too caught up in her own world once more, to notice a certain brown haired (soon to be, not that he knew it) sergeant.

A stormy look of displeasure had casted itself across his stark features, but his cerulean eyes remained cordial, almost like a safe haven of calm waters to find refuge in.

And almost like in every cliche love story that ever was, she bumped into Bucky, gasping before transitioning into an expression of her regret, a waterfall of apologies gushing from her lips.

He called her by her nickname once more, catching her attention and making her heart skip a beat.

“Seriously, it’s alright, no harm done.”

She zipped her mouth shut, so to say, and just gave a curt nod before starting to go inside. And ever the gentleman, Bucky let her get halfway to the door before calling out her name. She turned once more, salty droplets beginning to roll down her face.

“Yes?”

He looked down to his feet and then to the bustling city street beside him. After much contemplation in the span of what felt like hours (but was only a few moments), he met her eye.

“I know it’s not my place, and if you don’t wanna talk ‘bout it, we don’t have to, but what happened in there-”

He paused, taking a deep breath in a futile effort to put his nerves at bay, keep the storm from shore to the best of his abilities. He puffed his cheeks, offering his arm before retreating it again, similarly to the way Jake had however many hours ago.

“You don’t deserve that.” He shook his head, left to right, his ungelled hair shiny under the yellow street lights, making him look like an angel.

“I know.”

He shuffled closer to her, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The wind howled around them in an agonizing manner, how lone wolves under a full moon would do the same.

They watched as their frosty breaths floated like smoke in the air, their faces illuminated by the storefront displays lining the streets from Christmas that was only a few days prior, leaving no time to take down the brightly colored decor. You could practically hear the animated Santa Claus’ “Ho ho ho!” from where he sat in the front of a toy store, beckoning those who walked past to come on inside and take a look, maybe spend a few dollars.

But to Y/n, it felt as if the cheery old man was simply mocking her as she was in her current state.

“Really, I mean that, I do.”

Now to reiterate, Bucky was a gentleman, that much was clear. So although he outright wanted to tell her that it seemed as if she didn’t realize her own worth and that, Hell, Steve could treat her better than that punk. But alas, he kept it to himself, only doing his best to comfort her, upsetting her further, never an intention in his mind.

She nodded, giving a tight lipped smile. “Thanks, really.”

She shivered, admiring the red and green lights around her, her glazed over eyes reflecting the image of them beautifully, almost like a work of stained glass art in her iris.

“You wanna head back inside? You look kinda chilly.”

“Oh, no, thank you. I’m just going to stay out here for awhile.”

“I’ll leave you to it.”

All that was heard then, was the clicking of his shoes against the cobblestone, with the occasional car whizzing past. But then, she asked him to stay.

Her voice was soft, so much so, in fact, that she possessed what Bucky would say was mistakable for the voice of a mouse, which he would know after spending as many years around Steve that he had. He almost had missed it, but by some miracle, maybe a lucky star, he didn’t

So he turned around, not saying anything to disturb her seemingly exteriorly serene state, only walking up behind her, pulling off his jacket and placing it on top of her shoulders. He smoothed it out briefly, his touch feather light. For he wasn’t sure if he was breaching a certain level of intimacy, breaking any boundaries, with a woman who was practically a stranger.

“Is this alright?”

She nodded again.

“This is fine.” She closed her eyes, feeling much warmer now, but she was slightly torn on if the newfound comfort was accredited to the jacket resting upon her shoulders, or the company standing patiently beside her.

She was starting to think it might just be a little bit of both.

June 14th, 1943

The two's relationship (if you could call it that) was painstakingly slow, not that Bucky ever minded.

Word of the war and when, not who, would get drafted had spread, and any waking second for the past years, she was terrified the man she was developing ever strong feelings for would be ripped away with only a moments notice.

But regardless of that, she had a hard time trusting him, that much was true. It wasn’t his fault, not in the slightest. She wished more than anything to forget her past with Jake, but it was no use. So it took her much time to be able to trust James. But he was patient, and he always stayed.

So when he did get called away, it was a rude awakening.

She had only recently met Steve, before Bucky (who she still called James) was sent overseas. Her maternal instinct she didn’t even know she had immediately kicked into overdrive at first sight of the sickly boy, making her promise Buck that she would watch over him, much to Steve’s dismay. Although, there was no doubt in any of their minds she would in the first place, it was a given.

(Steve secretly loved the way she fussed over him, but he would never admit to that.)

The three of them had a lovely time at the Stark Expo the night before Bucky left, leaving a happy new memory for Y/n to drift to whenever she missed the scent of sandalwood, sweat, and his cologne, that was all uniquely him.

She would picture entangling her arms with Steve and Bucky’s own as she skipped happily, pulling the boys along behind her; not too rough of course, for Steve’s sake

She had been full of an electric happiness that night, stealing kisses with James when Steve wasn’t looking, a pink tint falling upon his plump cheeks. She stole his hat right off his head of hair that she loved to run her fingers through so much and put it on, crooked so much so it nearly fell right off. She wore it the whole rest of the night, Bucky wanting to never see her take it off, if it were possible.

Later that night when he took her home, she stood by the doorway, the porch light doing a sad job of lighting up the area, casting a faint amber glow across James’ features.

The hairs left astray from where she had Bucky’s hunter green cap previously were lit up, forming a halo.

She was a wondrous mess, and James simply adored her in that moment.

(He also adored her in any other instance since the minute he had laid his eyes on her, but the point still stands.)

You could smell the grass if you had tried, freshly cut and still damp from the late night shower they had run through while making their way home, turning through twisty alleyways, feet pattering against walkways.

Their hands had been slipping apart the entire time, perhaps an attempt by Freyr for a cruel joke in the last hours the lovers would spend together before James was to leave.

Maybe he was up in the sky at Mount Olympus, laughing down at the two mortals as the girl kept her hand gripped securely around the man’s stronger limb, refusing under any circumstances to let go. Maybe his laugh turned to a fond smile from above, finding pleasure in how his jest resulted in such an act of youthful care, not minding in the slightest that it had been counterproductive in the best ways.

“Thank you, James. I had an amazing night.”

He grinned ear to ear, awkwardly shuffling closer to her silhouette.

“Same here, doll.”

And just like that, she had crumbled like a coffee cake, another warm and itchy wave silking up her neck. Past the neckline of the uncomfortable dress she wore because she knew Bucky loved it (even though he would no longer love it and would insist she never wear it again if his ears heard any words of upset at the garment fall past her lips).

It traveled right past her best pearls with the rhinestone right in the center that she had made sure to wear because James had once told her that they made her eyes sparkle, that sly son of a gun.

The twinkle truly had been there solely because of him on that day and most others, but she would allow him to believe what he wanted to believe until the end of time, if it kept that boyish smile cemented on his pretty face.

But as it eventually always would, his smile began to falter, shifting into a slight pout, then into a full on frown as soon as her eyes had become visibly misty.

Bucky reached a hand forward snatching the cap from her head. She huffed, and he rolled his eyes as he placed it back on his head.

“I’ll be needing this tomorrow, sorry, sweetheart.”

They both laughed for a moment, the memories of the night still fresh in their young minds.

“I’m going to miss you, James.”

Her chin suddenly quivered, her nose ran, and her thoughts were racing at the speed of light.

She couldn’t lose him. No, not yet, she wasn’t ready, she wouldn’t ever be ready. She hadn't even begun to express to him how much she loved him, let alone that she couldn’t bear to live a day without him (as the information was quite new to her as well). So how in God’s name was she supposed to ship him off to war, just like that, practically a sitting duck for those bastard nazis to poke and prod at all they want?

“I’ll miss you more, darlin’. More than you know.”

They both made an attempt at watery smiles that ended up looking more like two painful grimaces, which was more of a reflection of their current moods than the aforementioned. His eyes pleaded with her to say something, anything. One of her quick witted facts, maybe a scolding perhaps, for having such a negative attitude in the current predicament.

Not able to stare at his collapsing facade any longer, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his neck. She quickly reciprocated, placing a strong hand on her waist.

There was a longing look in her eyes as the gears of her brain turned, carefully formulating what she wanted to say.

“Marry me.”

Well, formulating is a strong word.

He laughed at the notion, the sound ringing out and echoing off the small porch. But the whimsical tune soon halted when he realized he was the only one making it.

“Doll, are you serious?”

“Never been more serious about anything in my life, James.” She moved her hands to take his, holding them up to her chest and shaking them as she spoke with a supplicate glance. He said her nickname in a careful manner, trying to articulate a response, muttering something about not having a ring, how their families (Becca included) would be furious they missed the wedding. But she was having none of it.

“Well I’m sure given the circumstances, they’d understand, and if they don’t then oh well. And quite frankly, as for the ring, I could care less, James, make a ring out of paper and slap it on my finger, it's all the same to me. We can go to the court tomorrow morning before I see you off-”

She moved her head down to where Bucky was gazing, tilting it back up with her pointer finger.

“Let me marry you, dammit.”

They laughed for a second, both of them this time, although her’s was much more convincing.

“But why now?”

She paused again, the only sound to be heard was the soft chirping of the crickets hidden in the grass.

“Because I know you're far too much of a gentleman to leave me widowed, James Barnes.”

He pressed soft kisses on her knuckles, meeting her eyes.

“Have I told you how much I love you?”

“Oh, only every day.”

He rolled his eyes and smiled, pulling her in by the waist. He connected their lips, and felt her smile into the kiss. He also happened to feel a hand creeping up to where his hat rested on the crown of his head, but the feeling wasn’t prolonged.

She snatched it off his shiny locks with a devilish grin, a sparkle in her eye shining like the North star Bucky soon would be gazing upon at night to direct him through the dark nights.

“You should keep that on for forever, you know. Looks better on you, anyway.”

She raised a messy eyebrow, the corner of her bright red mouth turning into a smirk.

“Oh really, is that so?”

Bucky hummed and nodded, kissing her nose and watching in delight as it crinkled up and a high pitched giggle escaped from her lips. Then it was quiet for some time, the only thing able to be heard was the droplets of rainwater sliding off the roof and plopping on the floor as her and James stood in contemplation.

“I’ll marry you, doll.”

She smiled at him warmly, leaning into his larger frame completely, the scratchy green fabric of his uniform flush against her cheek.

“I know.”

He barked a loud laugh, and she felt it through the fabric covering his chest, savouring the feeling.

“You know? Well how did you know?”

She only sighed, moving to open her rickety front door, which the whole neighborhood probably knew judging by the squeak that echoed from it.

“Because, just as I said before. You’re a gentleman. You’d never turn down a proposal in public, especially not from me.”

Bucky’s face contorted, and the gears of his head turned as he made an honest effort at understanding how they were in public.

“But, we’re not?”

She shook her head, stepping into her home and then turning to face him straight on.

“Technically, we were on the patio, which is in the yard, which is in the neighborhood, which is in public. Now, if I were to propose to you right now with you-”

She tugged his arm, forcing him into the building.

“-also in my home, you would have every right to say no.”

She looked up, scanning his features. Admiring his cheekbones, his lips, and his sharp jaw. But most prevalently, she found herself absolutely enchanted by his eyes, as she always was.

“But I won’t.”

“But you won’t.”

She smiled, the look on her face resembling that of a fox smirking at her prey. She waltzed to the door, closing it softly.

“So,” she began, taking hold of Bucky’s hands.

“Tomorrow morning it is, then?”

“I think it is.”

“Whatever shall we do in the meantime?” She questioned, both of them having ideas that were entirely the same.

“I think I might have an inkling of an idea.”

She huffed, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“You and your ideas, James. Always ‘thinking’ of something new.”

He only hummed in agreement, nuzzling his forehead against hers, before moving down to her ear.

“I’d like to believe I act on those ideas. Would you agree?”

You can most likely guess her answer.

The next morning was a mixture of great sorrow and great joy all at once. Sure, they had to get up at the crack of dawn on what would be Bucky’s last chance to sleep in for a very long time, and sure, the minister had given them very strange looks, but it had been done.

And to the newly wed Mr and Mrs. Barnes, it was worth it completely.

But nearly as soon as the exciting event had ended, she was standing on the slimy pebbles of Brooklyn's Pier 57, doing her best to not lose her footing on the wet stones. She had given James one final goodbye kiss, before watching him board the Dominion Monarch to be shipped off to England.

The large vessel departed, and for once, she allowed a few tears to slip down her blushed cheeks, her smeared mascara coming with it, just as she knew it would. The bitter droplets were warm, a juxtaposition to the feeling in the pit of her stomach formed by the voice nagging at her that Bucky would never see her again. That her wedding day would be the last time she would ever see her husband. It was a possible reality she never wanted to have to face.

And after so long, she decided she was tired of waiting. So she made a call.

“Hello? Is this Agent Margaret Carter?”

December 25th, 1943

Bucky Barnes was not opposed to the idea of Y/n joining the army. He was appalled.

So when on the crisp morning of December 25th, it was quite a surprise when he opened what he had presumed to be a letter wishing him a Merry Christmas from his wife, and rather receiving some interesting news.

He had been laying his backside against a tree, the scratchy bark feeling rather uncomfortable. He smiled, smiled at the news of his wife going to war, not that he knew, when Steve handed him the parchment, taking another sip of some watered down joe from an aluminum cup, before excitedly ripping into it like a little boy.

“I wanted to save it for today,” Steve had told him, his chest puffed out in pride for keeping the secret for so long.

Bucky initially had found it humorous and exciting, why wouldn’t he have? But his mood soon changed after reading just a few lines in.

“James, my love,

I hope this message finds you and the rest of the boys in good health, tell them I wish them all a happy Christmas, as well. There really isn’t a simple way to put this, and I hope it doesn’t put a damper on your holiday spirit, but I’ve been tired of sitting around, so I’ve spoken to Steve’s friend, Agent Carter. I now have enlisted in the SSR as Agent Barnes.”

The paper clenched in his fist, his eyes screwing shut. He didn’t even bother reading the rest before standing up and walking over to Steve, a fiery look set in his eyes. Steve soon caught on to his anger, standing up and parting his lips as he neared.

“Steve, did you know?”

Steve, a horrible liar, shrugged, furrowing his brows. “About what? Buck, what's wrong?”

“Don’t lie to me, Rogers! Did you know about her enlisting?”

At that, it went silent in the forest aside from the rustling of the branches, and the chirps of early rising blackbirds.

The rest of the Commandos turned, eyes wide, shoulders hunched. Steve gestured for them to calm down and return to normal with a dramatic sweep of his arms, with most of them complying, but not without a few snarky comments from Dum Dum and Gabe protesting the treatment.

“Listen, I tried to stop her-”

“Well apparently, you did a horrible job. God, Agent Barnes. That’s what she'll be known as now. We'll have the whole bunch! Sarge and Agent, wow, we are gonna be one decorated family, ain’t that right, Steve?”

Bucky was ranting and rambling now, spewing angry nonsense at Steve as if that would change a thing. Steve felt a pang of guilt, hanging his head and biting his knuckle.

“Buck, is it a problem that she’ll be an Agent?”

Bucky paused, his nostrils flaring and his eyes slanting.

“Of course it’s a problem, Steve! If they put her in the field, God knows what’ll happen! What if I have to see that name on a plaque some day, huh? In a museum, in some memorial for fallen agents.” His arm put emphasis on every word he shouted, and his voice had grown raspy, tears slipped from the corners of his eyes.

Steve sat his exasperated friend down, putting a comforting arm on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him. It distressed Steve to see Bucky this upset, after all he had done for him over the years. So if he could try to make him feel even the slightest bit relieved, he would in any way he had to.

“Bucky?”

He looked up, his eyes red and nose puffy.

“Think about how you're feeling right now. The fear, the hurt, the anxiety, all of it.”

“Steve, I don’t get how this is going to help me-”

“Just trust me.”

Bucky nodded, slumping over again.

“That’s how she feels. That’s how she felt when the war was announced, how she felt when you submitted your draft, how she felt when you were called away, Hell, how she feels every second of every hour that you’re not with her.”

“Still not helping.”

“Shut up, jerk.” They laughed, Steve elbowing him in his shoulder. The sound echoed through the lush green of the space, the tension noticeably thinner.

“The point is, the pain that this all has caused for everyone is inevitable, inescapable. So learn from it, and savour it. In the long run, we’ll be okay, Buck. I promise you that.”

James bit his bottom lip, puncturing the chapped skin, the blood pounding in his head making it hard to process what Steve had said. But what he did manage to gather, was that they would be okay.

February 11th, 1944

“Peggy, I’m nervous.”

“What? Are you kidding? You must be kidding, you’re ridiculous.”

Peggy gave the girl a dirty look from where she stood behind her in front of the only full length mirror at the base, looking as she straightened out her skirt and touched up her “victory” colored lip.

“I’m not kidding, Peg. What if he’s mad?”

The other agent only laughed, briefly touching her on the shoulder before walking around her to where a map of the Hydra bases they had been tracking were laid out. Peggy fiddled with one of the flags for a moment, speaking to a soldier nearby. She impatiently tapped her crimson nails on the board, the sound driving her friend insane. Peggy then began to speak, not even looking up from where she stood, bent over as she examined something else.

“Darling, the only thing Barnes will be mad about by now, is not seeing you for so long. If he was angry before, he’s long forgotten about it, I assure you that.”

She nodded (even though nobody except a nosy recruit had witnessed it).

“You know what, I think you’re right. Thanks, Peg.”

Margaret half smiled, “mmhm” ing, but keeping her head down. She did, however, lift it up when she heard the other woman’s heels clicking in the opposite direction.

“Excuse me?” Peggy remarked, brows raised and her arms crossed.

Agent Barnes turned, her painted lips beckoning Peggy to go on in a most humorous manner.

“We aren’t done here! Get over here and help me mark this up, I’m nearly finished.”

She rolled her eyes, to which Peggy only rushed her more.

By the time they were done (spoiler, she was not almost finished) several hours had passed, and the camp was now lit only by the lanterns and the moon in the obsidian sky.

The stars were visibly bright that night, twinkling like small diamonds without the restriction of smoke from busy factories and the blockage of the ever so fascinating skyscrapers.

Mr and Mrs. Barnes both were watching the stars that night, smiling at the thought of the other doing the same.

Yes, even Bucky, smiling at the thought of his wife despite his neck developing a crick from having laid on the knapsack in the back of the truck for so long. A lovestruck glance was still plastered on his face as he stared up, the road bumpy underneath the wheels of the vehicle. His body would jolt as a cause from this every once in a while, but he paid it no mind, the soft smile staying put.

Steve watched Bucky’s facial expressions, a grin coming across his own features.

“You thinkin’ about her?”

Steve looked up to the sky.

“Always am.”

“I know you want to wait up for him, but I promise as soon as I get word of if he’s here, I’ll wake you. You need rest.”

The agent only smiled, her eyes staying trained on the stars above. “I’ll come to bed soon, Peg. I swear.”

But Margaret knew her friend all too well, so she simply bid her goodnight and shook her head.

She whispered, though her friend was too far away to hear her, laying on her backside and tucking her arms behind her head on the damp grass.

“Goodnight, Peggy.”

She had fallen asleep on the green that night, the stars wooing her into a slumber with thoughts of her beloved. She was only awoken when she felt the ground rumble beneath her, and heard the loud whirring of a hummer engine. She sat up, pressing her hands in the wet soil. She squinted and was barely able to make out two tall men jumping out from the back of the car.

She was initially unsure of who it was, but a shield being reflected on by the pale moonlight, and a hearty laugh soon confirmed her suspicions. She gasped and only to herself muttered Bucky’s name, picking herself up off the ground, running as fast as her feet could take her.

“James! James!”

He turned his head from where he was talking to Colonel Phillips, immediately recognizing the voice as his wife’s. By the time he had noticed, she was already to him, so all he could do was welcome her with open arms. Literally.

She jumped into his arms, planting kisses all over his face. He laughed and laughed, Steve, and the Colonel, too, cracking a smile at the two’s reunion. She pulled away momentarily, looking over his dirty face. She ran her fingertips over the scratches and gashes, still having a hard time believing that after all this time, even under all the grime and blood and sweat, it was truly him.

“Sarge, it’s been awhile.” She giggled out, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Same to you, Mrs. Barnes. Too long.” He commented, leaning forward and burying himself in her neck, allowing her to cradle him. He inhaled her perfume, taking the scent to memory for when he would inevitably have to go away once again, leaving her behind.

(So he thought.)

“That would be Agent Barnes to you.”

Bucky saluted, nodding and throwing a wink in her direction, before leaning in and planting a firm kiss to her lips that now only had remnants of red left around the edges from when she had applied it earlier on in the day. Their voices were now reduced to raspy whispers, both of them completely out of breath.

“Well either way, I’ve missed you greatly, Agent Barnes.”

“I’m glad we feel the same way.”

The two of them also felt extremely tired, leaving them to fall asleep that night packed side by side on a small cot in the corner of Steve’s tent. The brown sheets were horribly scratchy, and they had to mainly rely on each others bodies for heat. But despite this, all felt well, as if this new normal was finally worth it.

In the morning, Steve had wanted to let the pair sleep in as long as humanly possible. The sun rising was one thing the great Captain America couldn't prevent, though. So as yellow light began to stream through the barely there material of their temporary home, the Barnes’ were given a somewhat pleasant awakening.

Birds sang, bugs hummed, and the loud voices of Steve and Bucky’s soldiers could be heard, along with Steve occasionally hushing them if they came too close to their tent, still trying to preserve their well deserved rest.

The thought made her smile, eyes slowly coming to an open. Bucky’s hand grew tighter on her waist, running circles on the silky fabric by her hip. Hers delicately made its way to brush messy brown locks from James’ closed eyes, the feeling comparable to a feather tickling the bridge of his nose.

He scrunched it, blinking a few times, before commiting the view of waking up to the face of his wife for the first time to his memory, locked away to where Hydra would hopefully never take it.

“Good morning, Agent Barnes.”

She shook her head, snuggling further into his chest and stretching her arms. “Mmmhm, not right now.” He placed a confused hand on her back, tracing a line up and down.“I thought it was only Agent Barnes?”

“Not in bed, James.”She looked up, smiling ear to ear. “Right now, I’m your wife, and only your wife.”

It was quiet in the tent, then. But always the one to break the silence, Bucky began to speak, his morning voice so incredibly low that it sent a shiver down her spine.

“I mean, being my wife is a job in itself.”

They laughed, she shook her head and whacked his chest.

“Right you are.”

She stood up out of bed, shifting her hair to one shoulder with her hand. The glass on the face of her small watch reflected onto the walls, painting a rainbow stripe of light above Bucky’s head. She moved about, her babydoll pink colored slip moving along with her, almost as a toga would flow behind a goddess in the wind. James watched in amazement from his position propped up on his elbows, complete and total awe evident in his heart eyes for his wife.

God, how he loved to say that, and hear it roll off of his tongue. Just to think it, even.

His wife.

He truly was a lucky man. And as she felt holes being stared into her back, she turned and giggled at Bucky’s antics.

“Now, I know your mother taught a gentleman such as yourself that ogling at women is rude, hmm?” She questioned, throwing the discarded slip at Bucky’s peeping eyes, then pulling on her uniform and beginning to fix her hair and makeup. Fingers moved quickly and expertly as she went about, her red nails almost appearing to move so quickly they were blurring.

He scoffed, forcing his nimble fingers through his knotted hair that could have been comparable to the nest that the very birds that played a hand in awakening them had resided in.

“Even if that woman is my very beautiful wife who I haven’t seen since I went away for war?”

He looked up, eyes bluer than Bing Cosby’s. (Sure, she had only seen them in the magazines, but hey, they seemed quite nice.) She finished putting on her lipstick, walking over and placing a hand under his chin. He looked up in a dreamy haze, basically begging for her lips to be placed on his.

She rolled her eyes and placed a long and sweet kiss upon his plump lips, restoring some of the color that sleep had stolen from them. She giggled at the lipstick left on his ivory skin, wetting her thumb and smudging it in a poor attempt to remove it. He cocked his head like some sort of puppy, slimming his eyes in an amused confusion.

“I guess that’s an exception.”

She leaned forward, leaving a short peck on his forehead, before ruffling his hair and making her way out of the tent. She briefly stopped hanging onto the post that acted as a door of sorts.

“Also, brush your teeth and hair, James. You stink.”

They smiled goofily at each other and she bit her lip, bidding him goodbye. And with that, she was off.

It was later in the day, now, and Bucky, Steve, and the rest of the commandos were in with the Colonel, discussing an upcoming mission. Peggy and Agent Barnes were decoding some of the Hydra messages the commandos had gathered on their previous mission in their general vicinity at the same time.

The paper was yellowed and stiff under her fingers, her eyes could barely stay focused on the multiple symbols in front of her, practically jumping off the page, vibrating at a high frequency.

She briefly closed her eyes and took a breath, trying to free her mind of the distraction that was her husband and honorary little (not so much now physically, but still) brother planning what sounded like an incredibly dangerous mission.

It was like a buzzing in her ear, the mention of capturing one of Hydra’s most valued scientists, and risking their lives in the process. And of course, he often did do just that, risking his life.

But call it wife's intuition, (Is that a thing? She isn’t sure) but she had a horrible feeling about it in the pit of her stomach. Something was telling her she should hug him a little tighter, kiss him a little harder, that kind of thing. And perhaps it could be discarded as the paranoia that had spread through many spouses as the war had started up, in fact, she wished it was.

Too lost in her own thoughts, it took Bucky’s hand on her shoulder to wake her from her trance. He began to quietly and cautiously speak her name in his position.

She turned, jumping ever so slightly.

“Doll, you alright? Colonel was calling your name, you seemed real out of it.” He placed a hand on her forehead, then to her cheek, checking for any signs of a possible fever.

She didn’t reply to his concerns, only setting her hand utop his, leaning into him and closing her eyes. She opened them only moments later to see James squinting, his glance serious. He was quiet as he spoke, hesitating slightly. He muttered her name, trying to meet her eyes. He looked to see what was wrong, analyzing her, so badly wanting to fix whatever hurt there was lingering in her heart.

They stayed in that position for a while, the rest of the office seemingly standing still. She was the first to remove her hand, Bucky’s following suite.

“There’s a mission, in the Alps. Colonel wants you to come with the commandos and I, Peggy’s to stay here and work coms. He said something ‘bout needing someone who can sneak into places they shouldn’t be.” He chuckled, the sound bringing slight reassurance to her worrying mind.

“I’ll brief you tonight.”

She nodded, looking to her feet and whispering a quiet “okay”. They exchanged I love you’s, and then all that was heard was the faint clicking of James’ boots as he left her standing.

March 2nd, 1945

It was downright freezing in the Swiss forest.

And It would have been unbearable, if it weren’t for the fact she had Bucky to keep her warm, the man acting as a living furnace despite the frigid temperatures. The trek to do recom on the train they were intercepting was treacherous, feet ached, fingers were frosted, and the group spent much of their time (minus Steve, he had done enough of that when he was a sickly 90 pound asmatic) complaining to Mrs. Barnes, much to her dismay.

Usually, she would tell them off with a shake of her head or a slap to the arm, discarding their whines are nonsense.

In return for putting up with said nonsense, the commandos took her under their wing, so to say.

They never treated her differently than the rest of the group (or else she would have probably made her displeasure known, which both James and Steven warned them heavily against). Sharing the scotch, poking fun. In fact, if it weren’t for the nature of their escapade, she would have gone as far to say that she was having fun.

The only exception to this treatment was if she had to change, oftentimes borrowing a henley of Bucky’s or a pair of his trousers, the extra fabric heating her up quite nicely. Bucky would stand in front of whatever tree trunk she was hiding behind, watching to make sure no wandering eyes made any shameful attempts to catch a glimpse.

But overall, they worked well together, and were beginning to grow into a family, not that any of them would admit it.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“What’re the chances this goes horribly wrong?”

He looked to his right to meet her eyes, wrapping an arm around his wife. They both turned back to the landscape of mountains, which were ironically quite beautiful. They were greeted with howling wind biting their noses and cheeks, causing her to let out a yelp, turning her head and tucking into Bucky’s arm briefly. He smiled and stroked the top of her messily tied back hair, allowing her to momentarily find comfort within his hold for what they didn't know would be the last time.

“With me? Nah, We’ll be alright. Zero to none.”

She rolled her eyes and smiled at his cocky behavior as she always would, his smirk settling her nerves.

“Yeah.” She exhaled. “We’ll be alright.”

March 4th, 1945

The brick remains of the pub were dimly lit by the lone street lamp standing bravely on the cobblestone, illuminating the puffy faces of the two sitting inside. Steve, stone cold sober, and Agent Barnes, drunk and with tears streaming down her flushed skin. The dust had barely settled; it could still be felt, burning her nostrils.

She heard heels, a telltale sign that Peggy had arrived, sorting through the rubble.

She had approached calmly, observing the situation. Steve muttered something about not being able to get drunk, earning some heartfelt speech from the other agent and a proclamation of a newfound fire for justice in Steve. But Peggy’s sorrowful glance soon became unreadable, then transitioning into one of anger and sympathy, however that was possible.

She tried calling the surviving Barnes’ name, voice stern. She snatched the bottle from her friends hand, noticing she had downed the whole thing.

She began some winded spiel, none of it processing, only a faint buzz in one ear out the other.

“I know you’re hurting, but James would have wanted you to pick yourself up, an-”

“He lied. You know that? The bastard lied.”

She wiped a singular tear from her left eye, staring blankly at the ring that still managed to shine even then, in what was close to total darkness in every sense.

“He said that we would be alright. That him and I would be okay. And then he went and you know what he did, Peg? He died.”

Steve looked up, and stood, walking to where she was across from him.

He gently tugged her up and wordlessly pulled her into a hug.

She was stiff as a board at first but slowly melted into it, realizing that it felt nice to be cared for by him like she did all those years ago, the favor being returned when she most needed it.

“We’ll fix this, I promise.”

She closed her eyes tighter, digging her nails into his shoulders.

“I know.”

May 26th, 1945

“Steve, I’m not leaving you!”

“Go, grab the parachute and go, I’ll send your coordinates to Peggy! Both of us don’t have to die.”

“Steve, it’s alright.”

He met her eyes, water pooling in both of their orbs.

“I’ll be with him.” She forced a smile, taking hold of one of Steve’s gloved hands.

“It’s not too late for you to go, Stevie. I’ll put her in the water. If you wait any longer you won’t make it.”

The time was passing, they could hear the uncomfortable sloshing of the Arctic water below them, coming closer and closer. Jagged ice taunted them, glistening faintly in the light.

“Please, don’t do this to Peg.”

Steve had made his decision, as had she.

“See you on the other side, Barnes.”

The sound was difficult to decipher at the command center, static intercepting the voices of the pair as they bargained with death. But it was clear enough in order for everyone to realize what was happening.

Heads were bowed, tears fell, and even the Colonel allowed a salty drop to roll down his weathered cheek.

Steve and Peggy conversed, while Barnes sat next to Steve, closing her eyes. She was content. She was finally going home.

“I’d hate to step on your-”

Then, the line went dead.

“See ya, Rogers.”

2011

“This guy is still alive!”

“And the girl?”

The other man only shook his head.

2013

Skye dragged her finger along the etchings on the gray stone, mentally reading the names of fallen soldiers and agents.

“S.H.I.E.L.D.'s history can be traced on walls like this.”

Then she came upon something peculiar. Her finger lingered momentarily, the name on the plaque bringing back memories of when she was a young girl in school, learning about James Buchanan Barnes, one of two Howling Commandos to have died in the line of duty. The other, she couldn’t quite seem to remember.

“Huh. Bucky Barnes.” She looked a moment longer, reading the script underneath James’ name.

“There was another Barnes?”

She turned to Agent Ward who was standing behind her, arms crossed and chin down.

“Yeah. They were married. Some say she put that plane in the water on purpose. That she could have left, but wanted to see him again after he died.

Puts it in perspective- What we do.”

2014

The lights in the exhibit were bright, too bright. Faces were plastered everywhere, familiar faces. The soldier felt lost without his handler, no direction whatsoever as he aimlessly wandered.

Aimlessly wandering, what a foreign concept. Not running from an enemy, or sneaking around, a shadow. Free to do whatever he pleases.

He saw his own reflection on a glass panel, information of who he supposedly was written next to it, about when he was born, when he had died. Videos playing on repeat of him and Steve nearby caught his attention, leading him to slowly make his way towards the shiny screen. He saw himself laugh, smiling with whoever this Steve guy was.

Then the screen switched to him and a girl.

In a slight contrast, the girl was the one laughing this time, her smile igniting something within the soldier, overwhelming him with a flurry of emotion and realization.

He panicked, turning to his left, only to see her again, standing next to him in a large mural. She was everywhere and nowhere all at once.

A voice began to speak, clouding his senses even more.

It spoke about Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers, how they were “inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield.”

It continued, and his confusion grew even further. It mentioned a girl who had what he learned to be his last name.

Not a mother, or a sister, but a wife.

“They became the only Howling Commandos to give their lives in service of their country."

Her name rang in his head, over and over again. He was married, he had a wife.

Had.

He walked up to where her clothes were displayed under her portrait, reaching a tentative hand out and feeling the fabric, rough from time. He could remember doing that before, but the fabric was silkier, then. It was different as a whole. It was pink satin, and the wearer was his wife, he now could see.

He was in a tent, laying on a scratchy cot, the girl laying with him, in his arms.

“Right now, I’m your wife, and only your wife.” Her smile and laugh were heavenly, her voice like honey. Her touch was smooth and left a tingle in its wake, bringing peace to his bustling mind.

Then he was suddenly back in the museum, hand still planted firmly on the hem of the shirt.

“Excuse me? Sir? You can’t be touching that.”

The soldier turned, facing the scrawny worker. His glasses were too large, hair too short, and pants 2 sizes too big. He gulped, doing a double take from the mural of James Barnes (who last time he checked a history book, had his remains somewhere buried under piles of ice and snow in the mountains of the Alps) and the man in front of him, who matched the recently trending image his coworker showed him of the Winter Soldier, the assassin who had over two dozen kills under his belt.

And if this were a mission, the soldier would have killed the man, executed him without second thought.

But now, he had free will. He had a choice.

So he chose to mutter a low “sorry” under his breath, pulling his baseball cap further over his brow and exiting the facility as quickly as possible.

The worker quit that night.

2016

A feed began to play on the tiny screen that Tony, Steve, and Bucky were crowded around, no video, just black with a thin line, moving in accordance with the audio. The sound was choppy, like it had been modified.

Zemo’s beady eyes slanted, a cold smile growing on his bearded face.

“I’ll be with him.”

“What the hell is this?” James yelled the question aimed towards both Zemo and himself.

But Steve knew exactly what it was, knew that voice, knew the feeling of the cold water enveloping him as he did his best to keep her warm in her final moments, a final favor for both Bucky and his wife.

“It’s not too late for you to go, Stevie. I’ll put her in the water. If you wait any longer you won’t make it.”

It was quiet, the line stopped moving.

“See you on the other side, Barnes.”

“See ya, Rogers.”

The audio cut out.

“It’s her.” Bucky’s metal fist audibly clenched, his eyes darkening.

“You let her die, Steve.”

“Buck-”

“You killed her! I had a wife, and you let her die!”

Steve backed up, instinctively raising the shield from Bucky once more.

“That was her choice, Bucky.”

He was calm. Too calm.

“I don’t give a damn what her choice was, you should’ve pushed her out of that damn plane if you had to.”

“She wouldn’t have survived that fall, Buck, even with a parachute, she probably would have drowned, or gotten hypothermia or-”

“You don’t know that!”

Bucky rushed forward, anger infiltrating every fibre of his being. He threw a punch with his metal arm, a loud clang ringing out as it collided with the vibranium shield.

2024

“We’ll meet again

Don’t know where, don’t know when

But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day”

The room was pitch black aside from the blinking light on the record player, letting Bucky know that power was still running through the wires of the machine, keeping the same song spinning, over, and over, and over again.

The same one that’s been playing for the past 2 months. Over, and over, and over again.

The door creaked, sending a stream of light cascading across Bucky’s ridden features from his place where he was sat staring blankly at her tags laying in his flesh hand. He had started wearing them when she insisted, just in case anything were to happen to her, she wanted him to have a physical reminder of her. He had refused to give her his own, not wanting to admit anything might go wrong to where she would need them.

What a joke.

Zola had recovered them from around his neck, later to be stored away and then found by Steve in 2015 during a Hydra base invasion. He had immediately recognized the name pressed onto the material, and assumed someone who was an undercover agent snagged them during the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., never thinking anything more of it.

“This isn’t healthy, man.” Sam spoke softly from the door, his hand never leaving the doorknob.

“When we got snapped away, I didn’t mind it.”

Sam opened the door even more, sliding in the slim crack, closing it behind him.

Bucky’s glance never faltered.

“I thought that maybe, I’d finally see her again. And, I know it was selfish-” He laughed dryly, meeting Sam’s warm eyes.

“But she wasn’t there. When I died, she wasn’t there.”

Sam’s arms were crossed, now, and he was unsure of how to proceed with the fragile shell of a man in front of him.

“Then everyone came back 5 years later, she still wasn’t there.” He chuckled once more, feeling over her name on the plates, tossing the chain over his head. It was quiet, the record stopped.

“And this sounds crazy, but I got to thinking, that she must still be alive-”

“You know she’s gone, Bucky.”

James stood up, walking over to Sam, a terrifying blaze set in his eyes. He was frantic, hands moving about the air, neck straining.

“She’s not, Hydra has her! I’m certain, just like they had me. What else would explain her not being there?”

“You’re in denial,”

“No, I’m not! She’s waiting for me! She’s waiting for me to come find her, Sam!” He yelled, every word louder than the last.

And Sam Wilson had enough.

“Alright, that’s it.” He grabbed James by the wrist, taking his chances.

“What are you doing?”

“Putting some sense into you.”

More yelling and fighting ensued, all the way to the car, Bucky only ceasing his behavior upon realizing where they were heading. He was silent, then.

Getting out of the vehicle, they stepped onto freshly wet soil, green patches fading to a burnt orange, the rain a poor attempt at revival. They could hear their own footsteps all the way to their final destination, turmoil settling in.

“Why’d you take me here, Sam?”

It had started raining, the cold droplets making his hair stick to his forehead, and his tears invisible.

Mere inches before him sat two headstones, both fairly worn. The first, reading “Cap. Steven Grant Rogers, a true American hero. Loving brother, friend, and son.”

The second? Her.

Most of the words all blended together, it was clear Steve’s was the only one that had any regular visitors, willing to clean off any dirt or grime, or occasionally bring flowers (always red roses for Cap, as for his wife, he hoped that when it did happen, it was her favorites, lilies. He doubted it was, though).

The only words that managed to stick out, at least to him, were “Barnes” and “loving wife”. He inhaled, capturing the scent of fresh rain and roses, grounding him. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, giving a light squeeze.

“I’m sorry I had to do that, but she’s gone, you know?”

He nodded, squatting down in an awkward position.

“Can I have a minute?”

Sam nodded, turning to go.

“‘Course, I’ll be in the car.”

Bucky waited until he could no longer see the outline of the shorter man, before taking the tags off from where they rested around his neck, positioning them utop the marble slab. He gathered a few weeds, messily shoving them into the vase, dirt and stray blades of grass falling all over the place. He tried to brush it off, only creating a sludge-like watery mixture.

He leaned forward, taking hold of the hard stone.

“I’m coming for you, sweetheart. I promise, I’ll find you.”

“Bucky?” Sam yelled from the car, confused at the extended amount of time his friend was taking.

James turned, yelling over his shoulder, “Coming!”

Once Bucky got back to the car, Sam reached over and patted his back, starting the engine.

“You think you’re gonna be okay?”

James only smiled, looking out behind him to where they all said was her final resting place, excitement for the future running through his veins.

“Yeah.” He said, sitting further back into the seat, closing his eyes.

“I’ll be alright.”

·。·☆·。·。

hi!

disclaimer: (skip if u dont care) so i’ve had personal expiriences w alcoholism, and my pov has changed so much on the disease and as well as how to handle it w more empathy, and i just hope that is conveyed. my hope w my work is never to upset or offend anyone, and i hope u enjoyed. if u have a prob w anything, shoot me a message or ask to chat :)

go drink water, eat protein (if u can!) and take an electronics break. i love u,

xx hj

136 notes · View notes

lennyisdyeing · 8 years ago

Text

At Peace (langst)

I should be updating my Sockathan story on Wattpad but I’m not feeling so hot so have some langst.

~ songfic kinda ~

+ I’m pretty much going to be posting langst or Oikawa angst (Tangst?) when I’m in a shit mood so get ready for that +

...

Lance was used to being rejected; by girls and boys alike.

So he should have seen this coming. He should have been prepared for this. But no, his hopes were high and he’d thought his feelings were -finally- reciprocated. He thought he had a chance and damn it if I don’t admit it. He was desperate.

I don't know if we should be alone together

He was desperate for attention, and love, and the chance to finally be accepted by somebody. Anybody. A chance to have something to live for again. A chance to be able to breathe again without the thought of his worthlessness crossing his mind and settling in a nice, quaint spot labeled “REASONS TO DIE”. The cringe is real, no matter how you think of it, but Lance can’t find it in himself to care anymore, about anything.

His constant quips usually spoken -sometimes even shouted- in a flurry of passion, are now most times left unsaid, or muttered at most.

He was hoping for a miracle.

I still got a crush, that's obvious

“Hey, Keithy boy,” Lance chirped with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

Keith turned to face the blue paladin, a small smile playing on his lips. “Hey, Lance,” he replied happily.

You seem unusually chipper today, Lance thought to himself.

Suddenly. Keith chuckled, startling Lance out of his ‘thought’.

The brunette covered his lips with his hand, eyes blown wide. “Did I say that out loud?”

If nobody's around, what's stopping us? Everywhere I go you show, whatever

“You sure did, Lancelot. D’ya wanna know why I’m so ‘chipper’?“ Keith asked with a slight giddiness in his tone.

“Uhm, sure?” Okay, Lance. After he tells you whatever the fuck he’s so happy about -which is making him 100% cuter and I cannot stand it- I’ll tell him I love him, and we’ll live happily ever after.

With the widest smile I’ve ever seen, on Keith no less, Keith gushed out, “Shiro and I finally started dating!”

I don't ever mind sharing oxygen I just wanna get lost in your lungs

I spoke far too soon. “T-That’s great, Keith!” What did I think I could accomplish? “I hope you guys are happy together!” Of course Keith would go for Shiro. “Well, I gotta go u-uh, t-train now, so see ya!” He’s perfect.

Lance began to turn away from Keith. “Wait!” The red paladin demanded, grabbing the other’s arm and keeping him in place. “Did you need to talk about something, Lance? Are you okay?”

Just a baby, but she's growing up so fast And I'm allergic to the waiting

“O-Of course I am! I’m the jester, the class clown, the humour back bone of the team! Who needs feeling when you have the best sense of humour known to man?” The dark haired teenager announced, his chest puffed out and his eyes full of a dark hope. Please don’t call me out on my bullshit, I need to be out of here yesterday.

Thank god Keith’s dense as hell. “Alright Lance, whatever you say,” he chuckled and released his arm.

She's just a baby girl And I love to watch her dance

Tears left Lance’s eyes before he even finished turning, thankfully he didn’t notice but.

That didn’t stop Shiro from noticing, who now was in front of Lance. “Lance,” the black paladin whispered, his eyes shone with concern. “Are you alright? What happened?”

Shiro reached out to touch Lance’s shoulder, but he wasn’t having it. Tanned hands pushed on Shiro’s chest, pushing him -surprisingly- a few feet away, and in the next moment, Lance was out the door, leaving the new couple in shock.

But it's making me go crazy

In the next few months, Lance got by in a mixture of disarray and monotone. Lotor was taken down, along with the Galra empire. The new head of said empire agreed on a peace treaty and most of the universe now lived in peace.

Voltron was not needed anymore. And so, the team was left to their own devices.

Pidge and Matt, the only Holts left, went on to create new, advanced machinery to help Earth evolve technologically.

Keith and Shiro went to a quiet inhabited planet, where there was a drug that could evolve the bodies of men in order to conceive, so the two can start a family.

I don't think that we should be around each other When you're in the room, you get my eyes You open your mouth, I'm hypnotized, oh oh I can make you laugh until you cry

Allura and Coran and the castle went on to rebuild the Altean empire.

Hunk went home to Earth, with his family. He offered Lance a spot on his small ship to get home, but he declined, claiming he had to do something before going home.

Which, of course, was a lie. Because Lance has a secret he never told anyone, and that secret was that Lance has no family.

The photo he showed everyone so proudly? Photo-shopped. His stories of his many siblings? MTV and YouTube. His emergency contacts on his profile back at the Garrison? His supposed nostalgia? His strict parental control? His life? All fake. All a fantasy Lance had built in his head when his real parents dumped him on the side of the road at 9-years-old because he broke his arm and couldn’t work on the farm anymore.

You know you got all my attention You know you got all mine, mmh

He had nothing to go back to. No purpose. No one waiting for him. No one to miss and love him.

What was he supposed to do now? Go back to the Garrison? No, it wasn’t worth it if Pidge and Hunk weren’t there.

What else was there?

Lance sat in his space pod in the middle of space for hours before he realized, there’s nothing else.

Lance spent a few more hours of thinking about what he planned to do next. How would it affect the others? Will they come back? How will they react?

Baby, I can't help but call her dad Even though I shouldn't say it

In the back of his mind, one thought lingered: will they even care?

The ex-paladin of Voltron decided that his choice was the right one, and carried out his plan.

He spent the next few hours filming a personal video for every member of the team. Even Matt.

She was my baby girl I might never get her back But I don't mind being patient, yeah

Can you let your baby be my girl?

But he didn’t dare send them yet. No, he had to send them at the very last second.

Because he needed time to himself. He needed to prepare himself. He needed to find one, just one reason for him not to follow through with his decision.

He couldn’t find any.

Can you let your baby be my girl? Can you let your baby be my girl? Can you let your baby be mine?

With a tear rolling down his cheek, Lance sent all of the video’s to their respective person’s. Hopefully, they all get them.

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what I gotta say, right here I'm sorry Dave, I never meant to hurt your baby girl She's your little baby, she's my soulmate

The broken boy put on his helmet, and with a deep breath, opened the door that separated him from endless space.

Location didn’t mean a thing to him, as he never truly had place to call home.

I don't want you to worry, she'll be so safe right here Oh, oh, oh, so Dave, would you let your baby be my girl?

Can you let your baby be my girl?

More tears poured from his eyes, as Lance took deep breaths, and let his decision sink in entirely. He had no regrets.

Can you let your baby be my girl? Can you let your baby be my girl? Can you let your baby be mine?

Lance sniffled, and although he couldn’t wipe his tears, he steadied them, pulling one last strong face. With his messages sent, his loved one gone, and nothing holding him back, the broken soldier, the brave face took his final breath. Finally, he reached up to his helmet and disengaged it, sucking the oxygen out.

One last tear fell from his face as Lance’s final sight became apparent: the blue lion, engines blasting, rushing over to her dear paladin as the final remnants of air left his lungs, and Lance found:

that he was finally at peace.

Oh, your baby she's mine

...

I’m...

I’m so sorry. I was just supposed to blow off some steam but... I related to Lance. His loneliness, his perception of love, and his lack of anger.

Rage, irritation, grief: they can’t be felt anymore.

Anyways, I was planning on writing a fic for each of the videos... what do you think? (Imma do it anyways lmao)

I hope you enjoyed this...

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boymeetsweevil · 8 years ago

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youtuber!reader + BTS prologue - hoseok version

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 6, part 7

Channel Age: 22 Months, Subscribers: 16,555, Video: 86

Unisex nail care routine feat. Hobi and red wine ;)

The video opens up with a close up view of two pairs of hands laid flat on a table next to a few bottles of nail polish and a manicure set. The pair that belongs to you waves at the camera. “Hello, everyone. This video is a little different today because I won’t be showing my face to preserve the privacy of my lovely guest. You’ll still hear his name and see his sexy hands, though. Say something, Hob, so they know you’re not a mannequin.”

“Hey,” says a smooth voice off camera. The hands that belong to Hoseok begin to tap lightly on the table.

“Ever since that last Essie review I did, I’ve been getting a lot of comments from your guys asking how to get and maintain strong nails. This is a nail routine I like to do on my friends or myself every so often. Thanks again, Hobi, for letting me do this on you.”

“Its no big deal. My hands are my money maker any, so I don’t mind pampering them a bit.” A large eye rolling emoji flashes on the screen.

“He’s referring to his job as the perfume sprayer at the mall. No disrespect, but you don’t even use all of your fingers doing that.”

“Are you always this mean to your video guests,” he says, feigning hurt in his tone.

“Anyway...Tell me, do you do anything special? Your hands are crazy smooth,” you say as you begin to file his nails. A pop up appears on the screen suggesting that side-to-side movements to the center of the nail with the file are recommended.

“I mean, yeah, but I don’t know what you would call it. My mom has always been really serious about taking care of her hands because her job is so hard on them. I guess her obsession with regular trimming and applying hand cream 3 times daily rubbed off on me and my sister.” You hum affirmatively and hold up an index finger to the camera to show what you’re doing.

“Just a quick interruption. I started off by filing and the next step is going to be cuticle cream and then a hand bath to soften the cuticles for pushing. I also have some wine here for us. Hobi, here is a big fan of red, and he’s actually drinking it in one of my to-go blender cups through a crazy straw.”

“It honestly tastes better this way.”

The camera shows you putting away your file and silently taking out a tube of cream from outside of the shot. When you hold the tube up to the screen, a small blurb about the product as well as a hyperlink to the vender materializes next to it. You apply some of his hands and rub them for a while, music playing in the background to fill the silence.

“Guys,” you giggle, a little tipsy, “This is the only time Hobi will let me hold his hands, They’re soft like baby hands but huge. Good job, Hob.”

“Thanks, I think. But don’t misrepresent me, Y/N. Every time you try to hold my hand its after you’ve just eaten a cheesy mall pretzel.” You say nothing in your defense, but you do bring out some hand bowls filled with warm water and put his hands in. The scene cuts away and shows you taking his hands out after some time.

“So, I’m about to push his cuticles with this,” you say as you hold up a cuticle pusher. “I’ll put the link to where I got this manicure set somewhere in the description box, but if you’re doing this at home, try something like a coffee stirrer wrapped in cotton pad. After this I’m going to apply hand cream and then we’ll be ready to paint.”

“You’re not gonna paint them hot pink, right? I want them to look like my normal hands, not too shiny either.” The pout is evident in his voice. The camera shows one of your hands grasping one of his lightly before you hiccup, “You’re at my mercy, mister.”

The camera shows you moving at a sped up rate as you push Hoseok’s cuticles and take the occasional sip from your wine glass in the corner of the shot. You hold up a bottle of semi-translucent varnish.

“This,” you say slowly, “this is my holy grail nail product. Its SuperGro and its a base coat that doubles as a nail treatment. I’m probably not going to apply a top coat because we’re not applying color and Hob doesn’t really want that shine, so this is the next best thing. Its packed with vitamins and I think certain proteins that help strengthen your nails. And it will dry matte, so Hobi can have his cake and eat it too.”

The sound of Hoseok burping quietly can be heard from off camera. You scoff softly and tell him he has grape breath. Once you apply the polish, you reach in to zoom the camera in on his nails.

“Since Hobi wants his hands back soon, I’m gonna dip his hands in this bowl of ice water and that should harden the polish up just enough.” You place his hands in the cold water and he jumps, displacing the delicate setup and the shot tumbles as the camera falls. From the change in angle, Hoseok’s face is visible. You both laugh a little harder than normal from the wine.

“I think they saw my face,” he stage whispers. “Maybe we should just reveal it.”

“You sure?” You replace the camera, but this time its angled upwards and zoomed out so that your tops halves are visible. “This is the man of the hour, everyone. What do think? Handsome, right?”

Hoseok grins and waves sluggishly at the camera, trying to take a sip from his crazy straw but missing. Both yawn at the same time, and you reach for the camera while Hoseok downs the last of his wine.

“We’re both pretty tired, and I still have to stay and wait for Hobi’s Uber once he calls it in, so I think I’m gonna sign off here. But before I do that,” you wave a warning finger at the camera, “Lemme say that I told Hobi to cut his nails before coming over, so that’s why I didn’t do it on camera. I don’t want to see any comments saying I left that out of the routine.”

“It was nice meeting you all,” Hoseok shouts from the background of the shot, texting his Uber driver probably.

“Have a good night, or morning, or whenever you watch this. See you all in the next video. Bye.” The video ends.

Comments:

Makeup4ever_12 (+1329) @Y/N! That’s 5 boys now! Where do u find them???

XXLizzyxDarcyXX (-818) um..why didn’t you clip his nails? sucky routine tbh

TakeurBrokeA$$home (+546) Came for the nails, stayed for the hot boy ;)

#bts scenarios #bangtan #bts imagines #bts reactions #jhope fanfic #jhope #jung hoseok #hoseok #bts fanfic #hoseok fanfic

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secret-rendezvous1d · 8 years ago

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Break-up Novella.

PART FOUR: IT’S JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE |

I’m not 100% on this specific part of the Break-Up Novella bit I felt like I needed a filler part in between Parts 3 and 5. I promise you, Part 5 will be filled and it’ll be better and we’ll see their relationship really get better. There may or may not be a cheeky smut scene at the end, as well as the cutest scene I think I’ve ever written in my life.

I’m really iffy on this part, so, I apologise in the horrendous flow. I really tried to work through it, I can promise you, haha. Chances are, I will come back to this a really re-do it to fit the novella properly. I lost all inspiration for this section and I’m so unsure as to why. I think I’ve just been SO excited to write the final part because I hate it when the missus and Harry fight because I just love them and I’m rooting for them SO hard... :(((

Enjoy! xx

4 weeks post break-up; Harry.

(Harry’s texts. Missus’ texts.)

Hey, how are you?

Harry, hey.

Hi. I’m good, thank you. How are you?

I’m okay, yeah.

How’s tour going? It’s been a month, right?

3 weeks, yeah.

But, it’s okay, I guess. A bit exhausting trying to get back into the time differences and such.

Where are you now?

We’ve just finished the South American leg of the tour. We’re taking an extra few days off in São Paulo before we go to Dublin. Suppose it’s alright but, I just want to get back to the English time zones.

What’s the time there now?

It’s dinner. To be precise, it’s 5:19pm. I’m just about to go down to the hotel restaurant for food.

That sounds nice.

I miss a good UK burger though. Forgot all about my health-kick diet thing. It’s only taken me 3 weeks away from the UK to realise I need a good greasy dinner.

Hahaha.

Are you sure you’re okay?

You seem a bit off.

I just feel a bit awkward right now.

Why?

Talking to you after 3 weeks of not being together isn’t exactly what I was thinking of doing, Harry. Especially at 8:22pm.

Oh.

I’m sorry. I just thought that because we were working on being friends, it was okay to text you and talk to you about your day. I’m sorry for making you feel awkward.

I think it’s just going to take some time before we become the best of friends again, Harry. Definitely more than 3 weeks, actually.

I know.

We’re on track though. Okay? I think, for me, I just need to time to forget everything.

I understand.

I miss yo though.

Not just romantically. But, I just miss your presence around me. It’s been different without you, you know? I’m finding it difficult, I suppose.

I know.

* *

Her lips tasted like the raspberry cocktail he’d seen her nurse, multiple times, throughout the evening. Her figure edging closer to his perched position on a bar stool as the hours passed by, a smirk toying on her lips as she pinched the straw of her drink between her teeth and made eye contact with him, his forearms pressed on the marble bartop with the small glass, holding a gin and tonic, set on a napkin between his hands. A smirk on his lips each time he side-glanced in her direction and caught her with a hard stare on him. His eyelids heavy and drooping, feet hooked around the pole of the stool to stable his drunken self to keep him from embarrassing himself and falling off in front of a half-full bar.

He loved the taste of raspberry.

He was no stranger to sticking the fruit into smoothies and having the juice give a burst of flavour to the beverage, and he was no stranger to dropping handfuls on top of his granola or porridge in the mornings when he’s in a rush to leave and he was always found sticking his fingers into the open packet in the fridge, popping one between his lips and chewing on the tangy food, eyes squinting with the sour taste as it touched his tastebuds. And he adored the artificial smell that it gave off with his shampoo because it made him feel summery and fresh.

But, most of all and the main reason why he loved the taste - it was what your lipgloss tasted like when you kissed him, painting his lips with the softest peach colour, his tongue swiping over the flesh after you’d pulled away and sent him a warm smile, bidding him a farewell before you left him for the day. The taste being enough to last him through the day

It was raspberry that he associated with you.

And, as he cupped the back of the unknown woman’s head, his lips moulding with hers as she captured him between her body and the bar, all he could think about was you. And how wrong it felt to be kissing someone in hopes of starting a hook-up or a one night stand just to ease the sexual tension and frustration that had been building and stocking up inside him. How it felt to be doing something so wrong when things were just getting back on track with you, down a path he had been wanting from the moment you walked out of his life and disappeared into the London darkness.

Friends.

If he wanted to progress past that zone, he could afford to muck up anything.

“M’sorry,” he grumbled out, his breath fanning her face as he tried to push away from the bar, “need t’ go. S’feels wrong. So wrong. M’sorry.”

“Whatever you have going on, just forget about it for one night,” she cooed, dragging a finger up his chest and grabbing his chin in her strong hold, lips forming a pout as she leant up as close as she could get, his breath fanning over her face from the close proximity between their bodies, “c’mon, Harry. My room is only up a coupl’a floors. S’not gon’a take long. I can make you feel really good, Harry.”

“Can’t,” he murmured, wrapping his fingers around her wrist and slipping away from the bar, reaching for the jacket he’d settled over the back of his stool and hanging over his forearm, “m’sorry. M’not ready. Can’t do it.”

She scoffed, pushing from the bar, rejected and moody as she swung her hips with each step she took back towards the group of friends she was previously with. Their hands coming up to pat her back and rub her shoulder in sympathy. Guilt bubbling in his belly each time he glanced over in their direction, eyebrows furrowing when one flipped him the bird and insisted they left the bar and continued their party in their bedroom, on the wine and the tequila and the tiny bottles of liquor from the mini-fridge that came complimentary with the room. Eyes burning holes into his back as they left.

* *

need yo to heear this

i miss ypu

sent mum a ticket for you today

in Manchtesr

to seee me on staage!

Harry?

Harry, are you drunk?

jus had a few gins and tonic. some shpts tooo.

Harry, please.

Don’t do anything silly.

m drinking my sorros away

Harry, go home to your hotel, please. I don’t want to wake up and find out you’ve been taken to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

im fiiiiiine

You’re not.

Please. I’ve known you for a little less than two years now. That’s enough for me to know that you cannot handle your booze. Please. Go back and have a sleep.

ur not my girlfrend anymore!

i can do what i lik

u don’t get to control me like u used 2

* *

“Harry! Harry, mate.”

Harry’s head whipped up, looking over his shoulder as his eyes widened. Watching Niall step into the hotel bar, guilt residing in his gut because, he looked exhausted. Confusion soon taking over and running through his mind because he was sure he was in contact with you and not Niall. Room key tucked tightly into his hands as his slipper-clad feed shuffled across the murky-green carpet, that surprisingly gave the rest of the room an ostentatious look. With a matte white bar lining one wall with reflective surfaces and mirrors scattered all throughout the room. Fitting to the 4-star hotel they’d been staying in during the last couple of days.

“Niall?”

“Hi, buddy. Hey,” he cooed softly, “come on, mate. Let’s get you to bed, yeah? You’re not that cooperative when you’re hungover.”

“How’d yeh,” he tripped over his footing, hiccuping and interrupting his speech as he stumbled forward. Niall catching him, limbs flailing out, before he fell and broke a bone or bruised his face, “how’d yeh know I was down ‘ere?”

“(YN) called me. She got worried and called me to tell me where you were. You know you can’t drink so much of this foreign alcohol, you stupid prick,” he scolded, arm wrapped around his shoulder and Even back in London, she still looks after you. Can’t believe you let her go,” he grunted beneath his breath as he tugged Harry towards the lift in the hotel reception, pushing a button to bring it down to the lower ground, “you’re lucky she’s got some care in her. If I was her, I’ve have let you drown and pass out.”

Harry stayed silent for the most part, staring down at his phone.

whyy did you calll niall?

i was havin fuuuuuun drinkin!

Because I want you to be safe, Harry. Especially in a foreign country when no one is around with you.

I may not be your girlfriend anymore, but, as a friend, I’m looking out for you.

* *

He woke with a headache.

Throbbing behind his pupils, pulsing around his temples and making it almost impossible to lift his head from his pillow. Groans and grumbles escaping his lips as he tugged the duvet over his head and protected his fragile eyes from the bright sunlight filtering through the open curtains. A nauseous feeling coursing through his gut as the alcohol from last night mixed together, bubbling in his stomach and slowly but surely making it’s way up towards his throat, knowing that the most of his morning will be spent on the cold bathroom floor of his hotel room with his head pushed into the toilet bowl, giving himself a sore throat and a disgusting and vomit-inducing tase at the back of his mouth.

But despite his headache and the horrendous hangover that took over him, he was still fully aware of what happened. The desire to drink when he sauntered past the hotel bar on his way out for the evening. The number of Gin and Tonics he’d sipped upon ashe sat by his lonesome self, drowning in the laughter and the soft music that filled the area. The shots he’d asked for, downing one after the other after the other after the other, allowing the liquid to burn his throat. The girl he kissed with the taste of raspberry coating her lips and wafting from her breath. The moment Niall came to collect him dressed in his pyjamas. The stumble down the corridor to his room after leaving the lift, dropping his room card at least 4 times along the way, and tripping over his pigeon-toed feet.

What he couldn’t recall clearly was the texts that were sent to you. Sent out of spite without a clear minded thought process behind it.

Peeking from beneath the duvet, nudging it away from his face and squinting towards the bright light, he reached for the phone that sat on the bedside table. Blinking away that it needed charging and flashing with texts and alarm notifications that he’d forgotten to switch off. Your name, boldly showing beside the green ‘Messages’ icon, has the number 3 sitting between two brackets, confusion pulling at his eyebrows as he unlocked his phone with a swipe of his thumb.

Are you good this morning? Hungover? Some ibuprofen and some water usually do the trick for you.

Wait, you’re not answering me. I checked the time. You should be awake, Harry.

You’re in hospital having your stomach pumped again, aren’t you? For Christ sake. I can hear your mum going crazy in Chapel right now.

A snicker escaped his mouth, soon turning into a wince as his head throbbed with a dull ache. His thumb scrolling up through the messages sent beforehand, eyes widening and his cheeks, although they were already warm and flushed, becoming a darker shade of pink at the embarrassment that swallowed him.

“Christ,” he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief as he began to type back a response, chin dipped to his chest to give him an easier angle to look at the screen of his phone.

Thank you for last night.

God, thank you. So much.

I don’t know what came over me. I went down to get some dinner because I was fed up with eating room service food every night and I walked past hotel bar on my way there so I snuck inside to have a beer and I just kept going and going and going. I’m not even sure what possessed me to go on and on and get drunk on my own, to be honest, in the first place. I think I was just sad over our last conversation and I just wanted to forget everything. I’m taking this break-up really hard, but, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t make you feel awkward as we progress as friends.

Just, you don’t have to reply or anything.

I just wanted to thank you. I can’t begin to imagine what I would have done if you didn’t call Niall; probably pass out and get attacked or something. Or wake up in the hospital with a tube pumping the contents out last time…

* *

4 weeks post break-up; (YN).

“You know that I’m going up to Manchester next week?” Gemma pondered, tracing the rim of her coffee mug with her forefinger. The coffee house, that you had agreed to meet her in for a quick afternoon coffee and a cake, was quiet and buzzing with the softer side of the London life, decorated from ceiling to floor with oak panels lining the brick and tropical plants overgrowing and hanging down, giving the small area a Pinterest-esque look. Your table tucked away in the corner and hidden away from the wandering eyes of people who would most definitely catch your face. “Harry’s sent some tickets and passes home for us to use over the three nights he’s in Manchester. Most of the family are heading up to Chapel a couple of days before and then we’re going to the stadium to see the boys over the three nights they’re there.”

“That sounds fun,” you grinned, giving her a nod before taking a soft sip of the coffee from the mug nursed tightly in your hands, foam catching on your upper lip before you swiped your tongue over your flesh, collecting the froth on the pad to rid the marks, “do you need me to go and tend to anything in your flat? Water the flowers or something?”

“Nope,” she shook her head, “but, Mum wanted to know if you wanted to join us? Harry sent an extra ticket home that he specifically said was for you. In case you wanted it. I know you've been trying to work things through this last week and I know things have been tough in regards to being his friend again,” she motioned, wrapping her fingers around the cup and lifting it from the saucer set on the wooden table. Clinking softly when the , “I think he sent it as a, just in case you wanted to come, sort of thing. Didn’t want to leave you out, I suppose. I think we’d all really love it if you came. But, obviously, you need to be selfish and put your needs first. We understand. Harry understands, too.”

“I, uhm,” your eyebrows twitched before they furrowed together, creating a dip at the top of your nose and crinkles to form at the corners of your eyes, “I don’t know. I know he sent one home for me. He drunk text me the other day, but, I don’t know if it’s something that I should accept right now? I mean, I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since we fought.”

Despite his face being printed on magazines and newspapers and photos being published online and shared by friends and family and the select fans that had the privilege of a follow from you, and despite having gotten on track to being friends and forgetting the past, you hadn’t found the courage within yourself to pick the phone up and have a proper conversation with him. Where you heard his voice. A voice that would soothe you to sleep, captivate you no matter the tone and no matter the topic of conversation, make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. A voice that you’d heard on a daily basis for 2 years, whether it be over the phone during the nights of the days you hadn’t had time to see one another or in a different room when he was in the bathroom and you were in the bedroom or whispered right into your ear as you cuddled on the sofa or curled up in bed.

You knew, as soon as you saw his face and heard his voice at the same time, you would be putty at his feet.

“I think you should come, (YN). Tie up those loose ends and really make your friendship official, you know? You need to see him now that you’re on track to being friends again,” Gemma said, a smile on her lips as she took a sip of the coffee and let the warm beverage cover her throat in a delicious coat, “the first person he’ll be looking for when we arrive is you.”

“What if it doesn’t go back to how it was before? What if I bottle it from nerves and end up ignoring him or say the wrong thing and I upset him?”

“It’s Harry we’re talking about here,” she smiled, reach across to grab your hand, squeezing it tightly, “you don’t need to be nervous around him.”

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survivormarmoreal · 6 years ago

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Episode #4: "I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org" - Brian

So.... BC quit. Don't know why (and I am not gonna enquire, I just know he is hella busy). But ya I don't know what this means going forward but im gonna roll with it. If i'm not flexible, then that is not a good winner. so ya looking forward toi see whatever happens, and if Madigan go to tribal again, all i know is that i will still be safe cause james and I will just get Keaton involved

I’m SHOCKED BC quit because I thought I was going home lmao so now I have no idea what the hell is gonna happen I’m praying we swap tbh so I can meet up with Brian or Bryce who I know sbsbsbs.

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Okay I'm super sad BC quit. They seemed like such a sweetheart. And I always hate to see anybody quit. I'm usually kind of annoyed about quitters but I hope BC is all good and it was just because they were busy... :(

This game has been really good to our tribe. We havent gone to tribal. I have a majority alliance of 4. Everyone is active and does 100% on the challenges. Its been good. Havent had much luck in idol hunt tho so probably someone already found it. Still nervous for the challenge. I want to keep winning but the bad thing in the eyes for the other tribe.

The game is always changing... and someone quitting just shows how quickly everything can change in the game. Plans set forward destroyed... alliances ruined just due to what the game might throw at you at any given time. It’s always scary but you know what... sometimes you gotta look at something bad and say hey let’s test my gameplay a little bit... that is what I’m good at and that is what I plan to do!

So we have swapped. and im not with james. This is hateful huh. first bc quitting today and now this. fuck this. and im with marie and keaton as well. ffs. oh well. time to get socialising and do this shit!

I KNEW A SWAP WAS COMING!!! I felt it deep in my bones. Do sharks have bones? I actually don't think they do. Oh well. I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING. Obviously I'm super nervous now because I was in a great spot before. But luckily I still have my #1 Brian. And Charlie who is a part of my Four of a Kind alliance and he has an idol. Plus Anna and I hopefully can work together like we have in other games. I just hope she trusts me. Ugh and I freaking hope we win this challenge. Because OG Dinah members definitely have a target as the last intact tribe. SO much is going on in my little gay brain.

Okay my brain is going a mile a minute with this swap. I'm reconnecting with Anna. She seems excited to see me and she told me she isn't super close with Jayden or Nick so that's amazing. I told Brian about Charlie's idol. So this is good. We're surviving.

omg so we swapped and im so sad nathan isnt here but thats about it. happy to be away from jayden since he IGNORES me. when i read these after the game im gonna seem so obsessed huh KJDFSHFAKSJD. but anyway. dennis is here and hes one of my fave ppl ever! hes just so nice. we shared idol guesses and i really wanna go to the end with him. matt is pretty cool and we both stan the good place and naomi smalls so i feel like we'll be good allies. marie is a queen and super nice but maybe not super active but we both love ari so yay. naptime maynor isnt really liking my humor JKASDHF but thats ok. and kirby guy is alright too!! nicole seems nice enough if not a little standoffish but hoping for the best :s love this tribe overrall tho and really hoping to avoid tribal

I got ZType for the duels! Blessed. I can do well in this game and I can't be the reason our tribe loses in the RARE chance we do. So i'm feeling okay.

Too annoyed to write too much right now. But yet another org, and yet another swap fuck! Honestly, this is ridiculous. We have three members on either 7 person tribe, and even if we do manage to succeed in surviving another non-dinah is going to replace the voted out member... you can't make this shit up.

I knew the swap was coming. But im with Dennis which is good. He has some connections with Bryce and Nicole so hopefully they work with us. Keaton is also here like oh Boi. 👀 going to see if he wants to work with me this time. Having him around could help me in this game.

James quits by leaving the server and ignoring everyone.

https://gph.is/1neigCU my mood at my initial alliance members both qutiing time to die?

Ok so Klick quit which is kinda upsetting cuz I was grinding tf outta that challenge and I lowkey played a game with him about a year and a half ago and kinda wanted to reconnect. BUT Nathan is now on the tribe which is like the nest possible scenario. Also we have Anna so hopefully we have an easy majority. Also I assume Dennis has began running the game over on the other tribe because he is great and will probably end up voting me out at f9 or something. But YAY F14 IM NOT OUT YET ANSNSKDKLZLXKC

MY IMPACT? I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org to save Charlie from doing Multitask and then James had a fit because he got it and was sleeping so he couldn't pick... I... can't believe how I'm WINNING this game? Anna, I hope you get my winner's crown READY because I'm doing the damn thing! I am sorry I made him quit because I didn't think he would kjHDAJK... but wow...

Although I am in the minority right now based on tribal lines, Nathan is someone I've wanted to work with for like eons, and I feel so much more comfortable with him on my tribe than James and letting Annabelle hold my fate in her hands. I think I have an upward battle, but I know Charlie has the idol and will warn Sharky in the case I need Charlie to use it on himself. The two from my OG tribe I got stuck with is by far the only two from Dinah that I would go out of my way to protect in this game and knowing Charlie has the idol... ugh... I don't even have to DO anything and tea gets served to me. Love Sharky.. love Charlie.. love Nathan... can't wait to thrive in this game now!

So the swap, i thought would have been really bad for us original dinah people but so far it looks like we might pull through. Nicole told by Dennis to me that she is willing to work with us but im a little sketch because she hasnt really responds to me exept like one message and then it stops. Im trying to get info from keaton and see if he wants to work with me. I have to keep an eye on him cuz he’s messy af. 👀 I think we could be a strong tribe so hopefully we win the next immunity. I rather have my no going to tribal streak going. I need to start talking to our new tribe members as well.

well james left so we got nathan i'm not upset about it i love nathan he's my person this game i think and we swapped with sharky on the tribe and i just played with sharky and we're in majority so things are really looking up here for me tbvh i feel like sharky might want to get rid of one of my OG tribe people but we'll see how it goes.

This game is weird man. I was so ready to play 2048, but Kirby Boi #2 was a quitter, so now I'm not playing 2048, both people I trusted QUIT, and Dennis is on my tribe. I am going to lose really soon. But hopefully I can find an in on my tribe and survive.

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i just want an advantage. but oh so now 4/5 of my tribe is together and im just here.. love that! not sarcastic!! miss nathan tho! so far clicking with dennis still and naptime. hes a true carly rae jepsen fan i asked his fave and he said sour candy which is like (bad) but not well known so he must actually like her!! nicole left me on read.. love that! sarcastic!! and yaa wooh loving the new tribe that guy who quit bc of multitask kind of a flop but go off now im closer to merge!

This morning finding out that James was removed was suprising. It sucks cuz i was enjoying doing the ztype. I got to 7,100 which i think its good but idk if it actually was. But im ready for this challenge and hopefully we could win in it. Definately dont want to go to tribal.

Okay Nathan is AMAZING. I love him. And I'm totally going to work with him for sure. i'm so glad he didn't flop. And Honestly I'm glad James quit so that I could work with Nathan. This lip sync challenge is going to be silly. I offered to do the editing which honestly is a big undertaking but I like to be in control and It's definitely going to paint a target on my back but if we win it'll be so great.

OMG SO FUN CHALLENGE THAT I HATE WOOH. i love this but i hate it. idk. i REALLY dont want to do a queen song so i pretended to not know who they are NNN but all that caused was my tribemates shading me... and its like... matt says beyonce is just "ok" and i need to listen to real music.??? just say u hate women and go. JK. maybe. but ANYWAYS. love dennis still and naptime is so funny love his pins! nicole left me on read some more so i sent her demi lovatos GET BACK music video and she finally responded with two 5 word msgs and ghosted again so um really loving that! kirby guy also doesnt reply a lot but thats ok totally loving only talking to 4 ppl!

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edit: quitters are shitters

Our song is Dont stop me now by queen which is awesome. I just need to find the time to work on it later today or tomorrow morning but have an idea what imma do so thats good. Still talking to keaton but no game talk it. Hopefully soon because im still feeling sketch on this tribe. I dont wanna get voted out pre-merge. *knocks on wood* ✊🌳

Making the video was really fun. Had more fun and felt more comfortable after making the ones before were i wasnt as comfortable. This is one of my fav comps now. Cant wait to see how it turns out.

UM?? I'm CACKLING?? So Sharky showed me the clips he got from Nick and Jayden, and I'm just so confused how straight men get any sort of action when they're as stiff as them? I mean I guess they're not ugly so that probably helps, but neither of them are good at using a camera... So I'm just SO ...

I have nothing else to talk about other than how fucking STIFF the straight men are in their lip sync videos, so whew... love visibility…

worst comp for me ever like i was fine doing 2048 i could have probably helped with that but like a music video? YIKES that's not my thing at all i didn't know what to do or what to help especially since i'm so not gonna get on camera >.< i hate being useless if we lose like ugh lmfao

Okay so this challenge was...a disaster. I asked everyone to just do the song and then I'd make it look good with editing. That didn't work out. And I had more trouble editing than i thought. I feel like I dropped the ball and I'm not sued to being someone holding my tribe back. I tried to hide our bad lipsyncers. Charlie got sick. And something happened in the rush of uploading it that gave me a weird crop and a couple of cuts that I screwed up but I ran out of time. I'm feeling really disappointed in myself.

Okay we lost. This sucks. two of the judges called out the edit/effort specifically so that doesn't feel great. But I'm going to look at this as a positive. Maynor and Dennis stay safe on the other tribe. And Now I can use this to make some real connections and alliances on this tribe. Like Chad Michaels I will rise from the ashes and be the gayest winningest phoenix you have ever seen.

Ok so me Nathan and Nick should really stick with Annabelle. Easy majority makes easy game which makes happy Jayden

So we lost the challenge, but I don't feel too... bad about that. I mean if I go home, clearly I fucked the fuck up and felt too confident... but I think that I feel... good?

Firstly, thank you to the judges for recognizing my SNAP in the lip sync. I wasn't sure they were going to do my rap in the challenge, so I'm glad it was in there hehe... Now... going to tribal is a part of the game and the strategy has been lacking up till now, so I'm excited to jump in and finally explore that part of the game. It'll be a nice start to my resume, following accidentally make James quit LMFAO.

Right now, I think I'm in a solid spot. Nick said he wouldn't vote for me and I mean.. we haven't talked much, but I expect him to not lie for no reason... and I'm going to make sure to increase our conversation and expand on what HE wants to happen to just have that tea under my belt. I think Jayden is who I would like gone, and I think I'd be able to gather the votes to get that to happen. It's not like I have anything against him personally, but I just feel it's hardest to talk to him because him and I are not alike from what I've gathered. I'm the uber gay and for the uber gay and the Travis Scott fanboy to get along? Would be shocking.

I like Annabelle and Nathan a lot and I don't think they'd throw votes for me. I have my little final 2 deal going on with Nathan, but highkey I don't think I'd keep him as my #1 over Marie, if I get to the point where I meet with her, so I have no problem cutting him or Annabelle in the future. I do think it'd be better to work WITH them, especially for now, and I think they feel similar sentiments, but I don't know for sure!

But now we come to the real people I would like to protect going into this vote, Charlie and Sharky. I love my OG Dinah babies so much, and I will make sure their names aren't the targets of this vote. I think Sharky has set himself up well, and since he told me Charlie has the idol, I think we should especially be OK. I also think Annabelle and Nathan seemingly want to work with us, so .... whew...

ALSO, this is a mid-confessional update, but 2 alliances were formed. We have the "Tea Party" alliance with Sharky, me, and Nathan (the gays) and then the "Dinah Dudes" alliance with Charlie, Sharky, and me (OG Dinah's) and then I think another sub-alliance with the "Tea Party" and Annabelle is coming to fruition, so kjHDKAS... ya... I think I'm SET. I can't wait to wreck shit!

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So we swapped tribes and here I am with 3 from my original tribe, 3 from the other tribe and Bryce from the third tribe. Bryce and I know each other, and by that I mean I just blindsided him another org... oops! Hopefully he doesn’t come after me but who knows because I literally did not participate in this challenge at all! We still won though so hopefully I’ll get to redeem myself in the next one

My arms are SORE from pulling all my best Freddie Mercury moves out for this lip sync, I am SO tired. But I honestly am so glad i gave my 100% effort because I truly needed to pull through for this tribe and show them I’m not just a sitting duck. (Is that the term? Idk.)

Either way I’m glad we all got to bond through this and here’s to being safe ANOTHER round (I’ve never gone to tribal so wooooo!)

i want an IDOL or sth. but um dennis is so fun love that man. always asks daily to work with me. like idk how many times i have to tell him that he is literally the only person on this tribe to pm me first without me having to (NOT EXAGGERATION). marie and matt? no reply from marie in like 30 hours and matt hasnt been talking to me since i said idk queen. kirby guy? replies with 1 word answers and taste in music offends me NNN. nicole? who. all she does is ignore me and like somtimes she replies and ill reply in the SAME LIKE 10 SECONDS, and she'll just leave me on read JKADSFHAKSJ. comes back like 9 hours later with no reasoning on why she stopped talking and with just a "hi", and thats if im lucky! idk i hope we swap soon or merge. like the whole preswap i was praying for a swap to find some good allies bc all i had was nathan really, and now i just have dennis. maybe by merge ill have a whole 3 allies??? oh wait theres um maynor hes cool i always have to pm him first but hes at least responsive and can hold a conversation! black bear diner goes off and i WILL be eating there the next time in houston

We lost, which was hardly surprising when I saw the other tribe's video lol. So now it's not looking good for us dinahs... but luckily I have the idol up my sleeve hehe. Gonna tell Brian and Sharky so that we can use it to save us…

I was so happy that we won immunity. Stil feeling a little sketch on this tribe. Injust hope that the vote isnt charlie, brian, or sharky. And especially sharky cuz he’s my duo. Now dennis, nicole, and i are the only 3 to not go to tribal yet. Its pretty awesome amd kinda scary.

https://youtu.be/BfzG9xjtCRw

Down with the straights! I still think Jayden is going, but if Charlie ends up going I'm JUMPING because that means I've been lied to by people that want to claim to be my final 2... I do trust in Jayden going but we shall SEE!

So the tribe lost and I’m a bit nervous because I’ve only heard one name... I would have loved to saved my idol until I needed it but I think it’s very likely my name could be the second one going around... we shall see what happens though.

Ugh okay so I was hoping for a simple easy vote. But as usual there is just a little bit of drama. Nick told Anna/Nathan that he has a legacy advantage to be used at F13/F6 which is trash because that means if we lose next time he'll use that and be safe. But if we vote him out he'll gift it to Jayden and we have the same problem. Plus Charlie is wigging out because he has a bad feeling about the vote, which is totally fair because he isn't talking very much. And Nick told Anna her name got thrown out which is just untrue. This is just kind of messy and not in a cute way.

Jayden is voted out 5-2.

#episode #allmadhere

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