#I miss posting fun stuff about this community Im sorry I only can muster energy to talk seriously these days about this fandom I loved

[somebody-in-this-world-who-lives]

Realized I haven't said anything here and oof

This will be a very personal post so before that I want to say I wish Shelby and everyone hurt by Will the very best. These things mess with our minds and I hope she finds peace in the response of the community.

This is just some thoughts I've been having since this whole thing came out that are really more about me but I wanted to get it out so I can move on

Ok so this whole thing feels so weird

I never let myself fully project on many content creators. This doesn't feel like the time I mourned for days thinking back then dream was a terrible person and felt lied to, thank God. This lacks the uncertainty and I dont feel bad its just kind of disconcerting I guess?

I never got that attached to Wilbur as a person since the fanbase was so extreme but if there was one thing (besides the music, I really liked the solo stuff he did) that really resonated with me about him was his mental health advocacy. The way he used to talk about feeling like a bad person, the struggles of being depressed and living in a less than ideal condition, his lyrics about feeling like you are hurting people around you and not being able to stop and all of the stuff people are calling signs now made me feel conforted back than. Maybe I just relate too hard to "loony artists" personas and the almost manic energy of it all. But fuck I was really happy he seamed to still be able to live a happy life with lots of friends with all of this going on like "maybe I can do that too" kind of way. Like, maybe I could not be alone and not end up hurting people by the way that I can be if I tried hard enough and watched myself in every step of the way.

Now knowing he did in fact fuck up people around him it just feels hollow. I know I tend to empathize with abusive characters in media because I fear I'll become like that and feel conforted in then changing but I really thought this was different. For one it's a real ass person I really thought had his shit figured out so like, im so disappointed? And I don't even know how to feel about all the ways we know his abuse manifested now like bitting, expecting her to clean his shit, saying put of pocket creepy stuff that I feel are mistakes I might make if I don't pay attention, I am really trying to hold on to the belief I would not ignore a safeword and that at least part of the behavior was intentional to hurt but it just makes me sick to even be able to draw that many comparisons.

I really have been trying to gather courage to try to be in a relationship this year and let go of the fear I'll end up hurt or/and be absolutely horrible and end up more alone and idk all of this just makes me scared, that someone that walked an artistic path so similar to what I want and that I admired in the past just did that. Like I said it's just disconcerting.

I really hope everyone hurt in this gets better and my sympathy to the people that idolized him for years now, it's probably hard to let go of who you thought this person was. I really just needed to get my feelings out for a second while they are still fresh and easy to tell. All the love for you guys, I'm probably not speaking on this again since it took a very long feelings forward time to type, but I really feel for everyone that feels they have been lied to in this situation because you have and it sucks.