#I might not be able to read it until saturday since I've got an all-day zoom work conference tomorrow

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Attn: Talk of death and dying of babies. Please feel free to scroll on without reading (I also wrote a lot, so I doubt many people will take the time to read it).

I ended my three night stretch by being a post-mortem photographer since the last two nights at work have been madness.

Really classic full moon shift on Saturday. Our one kid that had come in during day shift and soft crashed onto ECMO (I say soft crashed because they managed to never lose a heart rate and need compressions because of many doses of Epi). I was support nurse both nights (aka I didn't have a patient assignment, I just help everyone out if/when they need it) and on Saturday my other support nurse and both charges spent most of their time with the patient on ECMO that wasn't doing well. Then at 0620 they lost their HR and a code was called. Which would have been less of an emergency if the ECMO machine was circulating well, but it really hadn't been all night. I was on the opposite side of the unit at the time and I hustled to get over there. Ultimately the code was successful in that we got the ECMO to work, but we never got the HR back. From the ECHO we did the heart was bad, we'd done a bedside CT during dayshift and it wasn't great. They did eventually did withdrawal and the baby passed.

Last night started out pretty slow. Then the little 500g preemie that had perfed their bowel and had bedside surgery on Friday to place drains (they usually opt to do that with the very little ones instead of fully opening the belly to remove any dead bowel) decided to start acting up. Their pressor had been turned off during the day, it was back on and higher than before. Their blood gas at midnight was terrible. The attending got very hyperfocused on thinking that it was maybe a pericardial effusion because they had had a deep PICC (though, she admitted later, her perception was skewed because of a baby that had recently had that happen). What was actually most likely happening was more of their bowel was dying. Although we didn't lose the HR for the first couple of hours (though there were a few deep bradys when we were putting the Bovi pad on to prep for another bedside surgery) because, again, we were giving Epi boluses and had started a drip. Unfortunately once the surgeons got the belly open the baby started to brady, we lost the IV access we'd been using for all our IV push drugs, and then they were asystolic. Per the conversation the attending had had with the family prior to starting surgery it was decided to just quickly close the baby up so family could hold before they died (though they were already mostly gone). After they had stopped manipulating the bowel we did get a bradycardic HR back (not sure if it was PEA or not since no one checked for a pulse, though we might not have been able to feel on either way since the BP was so low). The complexes fairly quickly became wider and slowed down until they again flatlined. Unfortunately they had fully passed just before we got family into the room. A while later after they'd had their bath and spent time with the family, I went in with the bedside nurse to get hand and footprints for the legacy boxes we make for these situations. Once we were done with that we started taking some pictures including some with parents. I'm not really much of a photographer especially with just an iPhone, but I got some fairly good pictures. My faves were close-ups of their tiny little hands and feet... probably because they look quite dead in all the pictures. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get the picture printer to work, so that became a day shift opportunity because it was like 0650 and I had to give report so I could go home.

It's been a while since I've had a group of shifts like that. I'm hoping this isn't starting another grouping of patient deaths like we had a while back. I have one day off and I'm back as support again on Tuesday night. I did have plans to maybe be semi productive today and make it to the gym, but I never got a break last night and I'm a little behind on sleep from the last few days... so I'm just going to nap and chill today.

[hotarutranslations]

Koi wa Toki ni, Watashi no Dekkai Hana

Evening

Thank you very much, For the streaming on Hulu, Up until yesterday!!!

I wonder if a lot of you watched…☺️🫶🏻

Did you notice it,

After the Budoukan, I've been writing a detailed review of the spring tour, It seemed←

From the 4 songs in the 2nd half I've only talked about 3 of them in detail,

Sukatto My Heart

Utakata Saturday Night! Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai

I actually haven't been able to write since then🙃💫

I wonder if everyone thought that as well~~ There has been various things happening every day so I guess I just accepted it~

Um, Radio! On MoJo! Thanks to that I talked about it a ton! So I've become satisfied! lol

During the 2nd and 3rd week of June, Ishida Ayumi, Haga Akane and Kitagawa Rio are in attendance, Morning Jogakuin ~Houkago Meeting~ Please absolutely listen☺️🫶🏻

Also there is streaming after, I definitely want you to listen!!! To the class meeting!!!

The Class Meeting is from here

I read the description on the site again and was surprised, in addition to the radio show that is sent out on Saturdays late at night, they also send out class meetings that can only be heard there (around 5 minutes)! Its just, eh, was I bought to those 5 minutes lolol I always talk a ton lolol

Its also edited for airing, I'm very grateful for this but🫶🏻🤍

Since we talk even moreeeee in the class meeting,

Please look forward to, this week and next weeks broadcast🫶🏻🤍

I will write about what I couldn't talk about,

on the radio about the tour✍🏻

There were 2 patterns, With this tours unit songs as well

Koi wa Toki ni (Ikuta Erina Ishida Ayumi Nonaka Miki)

Watashi no Dekkai Hana (Yokoyama Reina Makino Maria Ishida Ayumi)

These units🪽

I like the warmth of "Koi wa Toki ni", But it is really sad, I like that its sparkling, but also heartrending

During the live, although I was particularly aware of like, The strength of it! The coolness of it! Being particular about it! I think I was singing this song with my honest self😌🤍

When I listen to the CD from that time, My voice is completely different…

I don't know if thats a good or bad thing but,

I can only send out who I am now, In my own way!

Also, "Watashi no Dekkai Hana"

I honestly didn't think, That I would be able to perform this during a tour again, I'm really…happy about that…

.🫶🏻

Its a coupling song to Help me!!, It was a song with Tanaka Reina-san and Iikubo Haruna-chan It was Ishida's first time rapping, and also recording it for a song

I have deep memories of this song🩵💛💙 I sang it with the 10th generation as well💛💙💚‪🧡‬‪

Its amazing!

When we played this song for this time during rehearsals! I got goosebumps!

First off, the nuance of Maria, Its nuance I've heard many times, and my ears are accustomed to it in the same way,

I guess I've listened to it a ton..✨️

The feeling of the softness and warmth, Even though it was the first time, it felt nostalgic

But apart from that, Its not like I was saying, it resembles it amazingly!⚠️ I am about about Maria's interpretation of it.. Thats what I'm saying

Reina-chan's presence, is like the flower that the song represents, Therefore I was thinking, its like within that its as if the song is happy✨

WIth all our might, singing the song with that smile,

There were also times, where I was looking at Reina-chan beside me and not the audience! lol

Its kinda, I'm really glad for that view✨

During the Tour MC, Akanechin and Yoko,

Before joining, they were just fans! They called her Oda-chan! They called her Reina (Tanaka)!

Like, there was a time where we got excited, just liking Morning Musume😂👏🏻

With these girls, in particular, being able to sing such songs that are important to me and I have deep memories of like Watashi no Dekkai Hana, I'm realllyyyyy happy about that

Since we didn't perform it at Budoukan, Its a shame it was shown on the stream,

If, like how the sound source of Fukumura-san's Gradcon is on streaming now, if it becomes like that? For the Budoukan as well? I'll be really disappointed if it doesn't make it into the sound source

Singing the song with the 2 of them, I feel like I want to put that in a treasure chest

.🫶🏻

The summer Hello! Project concert, has been decided!

Thank you very much🫶🏻

see you ayumin <3

[thequeeneclipsa]

In classic ADHD fashion, I forgot I was doing this 😂

Well I am happy to say I AM MEDICATED and it's going fairly well.

I'm still on the Wellbutrin. Last appointment, doc asked how that was going and I was honest, it was helping moods but doing EFF-all for the ADHD. So she said ok we can try a stimulant. (I've been 100% caffeine free since January except last couple weeks I've had a few bites of chocolate, and a few sips of a frap that Starbucks accidentally made with coffee. My weird heart symptoms have not returned since a few weeks after I quit caffeine cold turkey [0/10 do not recommend, but I don't think I'd have been able to do it another way] so I am comfortable trying a stimulant at this point.)

So she prescribed concerta. Ha. Ha. Hahaha.

I'm so broke now 😂

I learned the hard way there is no current generic on the market and my copay is $150 for that particular brand med. But rather than ask her to change it to something else that I could afford, I got impatient and impulsive and just paid it.

So. Started on 18mg. No effect really. Doc instructed me to do that for a week and then increase to two pills if needed. I lasted three days 😂 But everything I read said the effects are usually the strongest in the first few days so I figured it wouldn't get better.

Tried two pills, and it seems to be doing something. Definitely has some wide effects. Appetite is affected for sure, but when I do get hungry I'm suddenly absolutely ravenous and need to eat RITE NAO! So that's fun. It also seems to make me somewhat jittery after about 6-7 hours, which is weird. But drinking a lot of water helps. I had read that it can make you feel extra thirsty too.

The problem is my insurance didn't cover a twice a day option. So taking two a day means I'll run out and quick. But I'm glad to know something is working.

The copay issue is another hurdle. The makers of concerta have a discount program so I added that to my file at the pharmacy, fingers crossed it'll help enough that I won't go bankrupt.

So that's where I'm at currently. She also gave me an anti anxiety med that I'm supposed to start taking about a week into the concerta, so I haven't tried that one yet. Probably will wait until Saturday so I won't have to be at work with whatever side effects it might have.

[originsoflemontrails]

This week started out as promising. I planned ahead because I know it was going to be busy--especially my Tuesday class. It's only Thursday but I am so tired. Taken in another perspective: finally. it's already Thursday. I have 2 more remaining classes for the week before I can recharge.

I was proud of myself last Saturday because I was able to focus for 4 hours. It was a small win because I feel like with all my depleted motivation for law school, I wouldn't be able to achieve an hour of productivity-- it just keeps me distracted at something else: life outside law school, hobbies to take up, books to read etc. But this Tuesday class compels me to study and it is working lol. I also want to exert more effort on that class because it's my second time taking it so the goal is to truly comprehend it-- even if it takes the life out of me. I like the professor and my classmates too (more on this soon, hopefully).

Anyway, by Wednesday I was drained. However I was also sad and frustrated that day because of a group project. I feel like our group's dibs system lacks balance. When it was time for me to choose, the only thing left was the actual pleading. Pleadings take a long time to make especially when you want to win a case-- however, we had less than 24 hours to pass it AND only one person will be working on it-- that was me. So I was working at 4-9 in the morning and drafted the pleading straight after shift until 5 or 6pm. I was also the one who compiled and edited it all (this was voluntary-- but also unnecessary T_T *take note @/self!!) it was never-ending and my whole pleading was a mess not to mention I was sick at the time. In the end, I just wanted to get it done since I've been going on it for straight hours already and I was awake since 4am-- I couldn't care less anymore. It's just sad and frustrating that we couldn't have a better system for the group since some got easy tasks while others fight limb to limb just to finish it T_T. Anyway I called in sick the next morning for work. Thank God we had a free cut today. I am still contemplating if I should attend classes tomorrow since it will be face to face and I'm not quite healed yet. I am also still reeling from the pleading task I made. It was very traumatizing. That also proved that I might not take up litigation work if I ever become an attorney. But we'll see.

I wish we had free cut tomorrow too :( I still need to prepare for my Tuesday class for next week. Hopefully the blues disappear this weekend.

[atmymercy]

Hello again darling! I really enjoyed the reading you gave to me last time so I'd love to get one again since they are open🥰🤍. I'm mfh and I'm a Scorpio sun.

So... There's actually a lot of things I'd like to get a clearer view through tarot so I'll try to get to just one question to follow the rules. Please bear with me even if it's long or difficult for me to get to the question lol it's for context and I need to let it go.

My birthday was last Saturday (I just did enter on my twenties) and a lot of things were getting out of control and giving me a lot of anxiety in general, it was one of the heaviest weeks of my year actually. I became kinda distant with the group of friends I love with my whole heart, i was really disappointed and unsatisfied with college projects and exams results (and I still have a couple things to figure out before the year ends), it was my first birthday far from my family as I study in another city, and the person I've been in a situationship with was there for me during that time but we have to go in different ways for some time until next year and I'm really heartbroken cause there's many things that has happened between us but at the end I think it wasn't the time even though I loved him.

Was a pretty intense year. I actually loved how it played out, my life changed a lot but I'm still anxious these importantes aspects in my life won't get better for 2023. I'll go back to home for holidays until March maybe, and I fear I'll lose the friends that I have and feel alone, I fear I have to live with the pressure college did put me through for the last 2 weeks and not being able to be happy with what I am doing. And I fear my relationship with this guy (he's fg♑ if that helps) tears apart to the point we don't talk anymore. I know I have to let us go but I still want to be part of his life as I do now. My question is: how these aspects of my life are going to develop for the next year. So sorry it's long lol as I said I needed to talk about it and I need some guidance now.

Thank you so much for reading and if it's too long or deep for a free reading let me know and I re phrase the question if possible:). Have a beautiful day/night whenever you are reading this 🤍

hello hermit! welcome back! i'm so glad you enjoyed your last read so much! and thank you for trusting me with all this information. i know it's all very personal to your life and i'm honored that you came to me! thank you so much. let's see what your spirit guides have to say but i can't promise they'll hit all these points because that is a loaded question, which you obviously see that! lol

for you, i got the knight of cups, 3 of swords & page of cups.

there is no way to pussyfoot around this. you are going to have hurt feelings from the development for the next year. there is no escaping it and rather than you avoiding it though. i see you taking it on full hearted-ly! good for you, honey! these kind of drastic changes can cause a lot of people to turn off their hearts and emotions because it can become too much for people. it's a lot of change! but you just believe in love so much that i see you growing from all this instead! you go from the page of cups. a beginner in love and emotions to the knight of cups! that takes a lot of self-love and acceptance to get to! and because of all this hard work you do, you create such an amazing armor for your life and for your heart. you learn to take this all in stride and because of this, spirit upgrades you honey! i know it might hurt now and feel like absolute shit but you end up in a place that is far more suited for you! and you make a knight's armor for your heart to protect you the next go round! like fuck! talk about just owning these changes and learning to look so graceful while doing it! trust your heart and feel things to the fullest, honey! it's going to bring you to such great places!

hope you enjoyed it! please give feedback or buy me a coffee when you can! if you want to explore this further, please consider a private read as well. also thank you for sharing with me!♡

love & light!

-tea

as always, my rules & info are in my pinned post if you're interested in a reading of your own!

[purposefully-lost]

That grin. Strange, maybe, to see on a boy who looked like he'd been raised by wolves, but no less charming than everything else about him. Chris laughed as he departed, not at him so much as just happy to have met him. He gave a wave out towards the trees he'd disappeared into and turned to start back home, an excited skip to his heartbeat. The week wouldn't be able to pass quickly enough.

By the time he came back, he'd gathered up a couple of fantasy books from his own shelf and a book on the local parks stolen from the school library. He'd brought a full lunch for them both, too, and snacks that might last him a few days had been left sitting at the doorway to the shelter he'd built. He'd let himself get tugged every which way, pulled off to new spots where they could watch the animals or take in a pretty sight, or where they could read unbothered for hours until it got dark. He was happy to explore with him. It was the thing he waited on each week, eager to be done with long school days and basketball practice and homework just to be out in the sun with Rabbit.

It'd been a few weeks of spending his Saturdays in the woods before he heard Rabbit's name on someone else's lips. There'd been talk, ever since he'd started at this new school, of a tragedy that'd happened a rew years before. A couple of students and their parents had been killed- it was a story he hadn't paid too much mind to. It'd seemed morbid and sensationalized in a way that'd left a bad taste in his mouth. Until one of his teammates had passingly mentioned one of the jerseys that'd been displayed in the hall near the gym.

"That was Desmond Baker's," she'd said as they'd walked by, though from her tone he wasn't quite sure if she'd liked the boy she spoke about. "He was one of those brothers that got murdered a few years ago. Did you know about that?"

"I've heard a little," he'd replied, and Steph had hummed thoughtfully.

"I don't think they ever found the killer. Everyone always thought it was their little brother-- I actually had classes with him. He was in our grade. His name was Jonathan, he was kinda.. quiet."

Steph hasn't noticed the way Chris paused, for just a moment, at the name. His brows had furrowed. When he'd gone to the school paper meeting a few days later, he'd parsed through a yearbook from a few years before, and he'd found him. Jonathan Stone, the boy in the woods. His chest had hurt.

-----

He'd caught the weather forecast just as he'd started checking through his bag for the hike. Chris paused and stared at the TV for a long moment, watching the radar shift as it predicted the storm patterns over the next few hours. It was early in the year for snow, but evidently that wasn't going to stop it, and suddenly his plans for the day had been tanked. There wasn't any way he'd make it home from Rabbit's in time in a snow storm, and the hike itself was hard enough when it was just cold. Disappointment had welled up in his chest as he looked back at his things and reconsidered what he'd be doing today. The worst part was that he didn't have any way to tell Rabbit that he wouldn't be able to come. He'd just have to figure that out on his own.

Chris started to take his things and go back upstairs, then paused. Rabbit was out there on his own. And a snowstorm was on its way. He'd told Chris all about how he'd planned on making his shack a little sturdier, how he'd prepare it for the winter months, but he hadn't gotten there yet, had he? It was going to freeze. Heart in his throat, he felt a little spike of panic. He knew going out to the campgrounds in this weather was a stupid, reckless thing to do. He was going anyway.

A couple of blankets pulled from the back of his closet had been left in the backseat of his car. Just in case they'd need some kind of extra layer by the time they made it out to the trailhead. Chris still carried a lunch with him, though he doubted he'd needed the lunchbox to keep it cold, and he kept his jacket wrapped tight as he'd started up familiar paths to Rabbit's clearing. He could tell full well that a winter storm was on its way by the time he'd reached the edge of it. The air was damp, the ground slick, his collar tugged up over his nose so his breath could warm his own face. He marched towards the shack and looked around, panting a little with exertion. "Jack? Are you home?"

Throwing the dirty blanket on the ground, Rabbit plopped himself down in the center of it and dropped his findings on the fabric. Someone had left behind a heavy hunting knife. It felt good in his palm, and it was perfect to gut fish for meals and to slice any mushrooms he found. Spinning it between his fingers, he cursed softly at himself as it knicked one of his knuckles. He quickly set it down and pulled the small cut to his mouth to suck at the blood.

There was also a good handful of wild mulberries and some acorns and pine nuts he collected. The acorns would have to be boiled, but the others would make a pretty decent snack until he could rangle up something for dinner. He'd been putting most of his effort into trying to make the shack in the meadow inhabitable that he'd nearly let himself go hungry. Rabbit stuffed a few of the ripe berries in his cheek and let out a slow, content sigh. As he enjoyed them, he started to clean the dirt off the acorns and separate any of them that looked a little suspicious. Those were tossed back towards the grass-- The deer didn't mind fungus in their acorn, and who was he to deny them that snack?

A rustle in the grass got his attention, his mismatched eyes peeking through long, unbrushed curls. There was a young hare across the clearing, and as the pair made eye contact, he couldn't help but smile a little. He watched the bunny sniff around the area and very carefully tossed one of his berries towards it, humming happily as it moved closer to inspect. Rabbit watched it eat, the red juice staining the fur around its muzzle the same way it stained his fingers. Moving slowly to try and offer another, a crack in the trees sent the bunny running and pushed a nervous shock up his spine.

Rabbit didn't get a chance to scramble up and away when he caught sight of the body moving towards him. A boy-- Maybe around the same age as him? It didn't matter, he didn't want to be found out here. Snatching the knife he'd found, he clutched it in his hands and stared with wide, trapped eyes. His knuckles were white with his grip, his fingers trembling. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. Clamping his mouth shut, he held the knife out in front of him in a silent warning.

@purposefully-lost

[makeste]

BnHA Vol. 29 Cover Reaction Post: Emergency Can't-Wait-Till-Tomorrow Edition

so thanks to reddit, which has a spoiler-free post dedicated to the volume 29 cover leak, I was able to check out the cover image without being spoiled for anything in tomorrow’s chapter. now, I knew chapter 285 was going to be in this volume, so I was expecting something Bakugou-centric from the get-go. I was not, however, expecting Horikoshi to launch a fucking grenade of feels at me without warning! but that’s just how the man rolls I guess.

anyway, the cover isn’t a spoiler for anyone who’s read up to chapter 285, but I’ll put the image and the rest of this post under a cut just in case.

rarely have I witnessed such a casually devastating flex of one man’s ability to annihilate an entire fandom with feels. simply brutal. set phasers to ‘curled up in a fetal position’

I cannot believe he chose this scene. this scene, again. I didn’t sign up to have my weaknesses so viciously exploited like this. oh wait but actually I did

imagine taking a dozen years to figure out that your best friend literally just wanted to help you and make sure that you were okay because he loves you, and that in response you were all “IS THIS THE ULTIMATE AFFRONT TO MY HONOR?” and spent the next decade wanting to kick his ass. smdh

and now imagine that the dumbass who did all of that is also your favorite character, like seriously he is your favorite SO MUCH, and his relationship with that other kid is also your favorite ever. so what does that say about you. congratulations, you stan the world’s most emotionally dense person!!

but also imagine how proud you would be of said emotionally dense dumbass for finally figuring it out though. jfkdk I need to hug him, STAND ASIDE

there is just. so much regret in this one image that it’s just insane to me?? look at his face??? just imagine how much he must be berating himself. “why couldn’t you have just accepted it when it really mattered. why did you have to go and ruin everything. he just wanted to help you.” ffff

and that’s ten years they can never get back. ten years of pain he caused. ten years he can never undo. look at him. he’s not four anymore. Deku is still a child in this image, but Katsuki is sixteen going on seventeen here. all grown up. because he can’t turn things back no matter what. he can’t undo it. the child Katsuki never accepted Deku’s hand. and now the almost-grown Katsuki wants to more than anything, but it’s too late. he can still take the almost-grown Deku’s hand! but this child Deku’s hand, it’s forever out of reach to him. this child Deku will grow up lonely and sad and hurting because of the person who should have been his friend. and Katsuki cannot take that back, and I cannot get over this, this is fully destroying me right now. jesus.

but there is also hope there! because there is growth! there is maturity! there is acceptance! he knows what he’s done. he’s trying to change. he’s trying to be a better person. and he’s trying to be a better person for Deku’s sake. flkdslkhl I am really out here letting myself be murdered by some cover artwork because I can’t stop being dramatic about it. wouldn’t choose any other way to go

no amount of words can begin to express the array of feels that I have over the fact that “Bakugou Katsuki: Rising” -- his moment of becoming a true hero, his moment of ascendance where we catch a glimpse of that person he is going to be someday -- is now forever linked to this image of him looking with regret at Deku’s hand. the two of them are just so... intertwined. Horikoshi never gave us that “you’re my image of saving” moment with Kacchan like he did with Deku and his image of victory, but it’s there all the same, isn’t it

basically what I’m trying to say here is that yet again, Deku is at the core of it. just like he’s at the core of every other fucking thing Katsuki ever does. this is my all-time dynamic folks. this here is what it’s all about. STEP ONE: “BAKUGOU KATSUKI: RISING.” STEP TWO: [PUTS DEKU ON THE COVER]. STEP THREE: PROFIT/UGLY CRYING

I’m almost mad that there wasn’t a scene like this in the actual manga now. I need Bones to make sure this makes it into the anime somehow. maybe in one of the opening or ending themes. but they gotta do it. make it happen

notice that for these really dramatic moments, Horikoshi is clearly aware that the grenade gauntlets are too ridiculous, and so he’s gotten rid of the one on Katsuki’s left hand for no reason. yeah that’s right, I see you there. just do it permanently you coward

and he’s not wearing the mask either for that matter. Horikoshi you clearly understand aesthetics then, so why?! such a fucking troll

Deku’s lil four-year-old cheek is so chubby... gotta pinch it. it’s a primal urge. wittle cheeks

he also needs a hug. fuck. it’ll be okay baby Deku. you’ve just gotta wait TEN WHOLE YEARS and then All Might will show up and it’ll all be good. nothing to worry about but all of your bones being broken and the League of Villains trying to murder you and all of your friends. :’) why did I start reading this manga again

anyway so this is ROUGH. I AM SWEPT UP IN IT. I AM DESPAIRING lmao. oh man. but it’s like... it’s a deep sorrow, but it’s also a good, cathartic sorrow as well. powerful, soul-cleansing feels. that’s the good stuff right there

anyway so I’m in ruins, but it’s nice. Crust gives this cover two thumbs up. bless

[edsloveydove]

I Have Always Seen You

pairing: eddie munson x chubby female reader

summary: of course the boy i've known since 3rd grade, the one i've loved since 7th grade, would be the one to break my heart. i never thought he would be the one to fix it too...

warnings: bullying, fatphobia, use of the word pig towards reader once, falling off a bike, blood and cut knee from falling off said bike, self-doubt and sort of self-hate i guess, cursing, mentality that reader wouldn't be 'missed' (idk if thats a warning but just in case), no use of y/n, underage drinking, reader has an older brother for sake of the story (i gave him a really basic/common name), thoughts and flashbacks are in italics!! nickanames/pet names (shortcake, princess, honey, sweetheart), reader is at least a bit shorter than eddie, very poorly edited, talks of the demobats and upside down, again like very badly edited, lemme know if i missed anything, i'm sure i have!

word count: 9k+

notes: my first fic guys and it turned into this 9,000 word monster! wild! anyway, this might be trash i honestly don't know, i have no perception of it, pls let me know what you think!! also, this story is told in first person point of view so it uses 'i, me, myself' and all that, idk how i feel about it though tbh. uuuuh, enjoy!!

DON'T REPOST MY WRITING OR SHARE IT TO OTHER PLATFORMS (including mentioning it in tiktok comment sections and stuff like that pls) THIS IS MY WRITING, DON'T STEAL IT PLEASE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sweltering midwestern heat was hitting Hawkins, Indiana early this year. School had only been out for a few weeks and it was already hot enough to have the city pool passing the max capacity damn near every day. 

Luckily for me, I had been able to successfully avoid going every time my friends have asked me to join them. Until now. 

“C’mon, it’s gonna be so much fun! Steve’s parents are gone again, like usual, so it’ll just be us and a few other friends!” Robin tries to convince me through the phone.  

“Robin, I never believe ‘just us and a few friends’, because it is ne-”

“It’s never just a few friends, I know. But this time it really will be just a few people. Like, actually just a few people. After everything that happened during spring break and all that, Steve really just wants the main guys there. There’s not gonna be any crazy partying, we’re gonna swim and relax, that’s it.”

“I don’t know, I might be busy tomorrow,” I attempt an excuse. 

“Then we’ll move it to when you’re free. We really want you there, you haven’t gone to any of our movie nights or other hangouts yet,” Robin points out while saying my name softly. “Is it something else? Is there someone you don’t want there?” 

Robin isn’t entirely wrong, there is something else that’s keeping me from joining my friends. And technically it does have to do with someone, but not in the way she thinks. And that someone happens to be none other than the Eddie Munson. 

I’ve known Eddie for many years. My older brother was one of his best friends while growing up having met in elementary school. James was in the grade above Eddie, and the one to introduce him to D&D, eventually passing on the title of Hellfire Club President to him as well. I was always in the background, hoping my brother would let me learn how to play just so I could impress him and his friends. 

While they were occupying the basement, getting pizza and bottles of Coke every other Saturday for their stupid role-playing game, I was in my room reading trashy romance novels and out riding my bike to the library in hopes to seem cool when I came back late at night. 

By the time I got to high school, it was James’ second to last year before he went off to college in Chicago on his big-shot football scholarship he managed to snag before he was even a senior. And yes, James was a Hellfire nerd and a star-athlete, so no one messed with their little club while he was there. Eddie was in his sophomore year, already antsy to graduate and move on to greater things. 

I was just the outcast that didn’t even have a group. It didn’t matter that I was the captain of the football team’s little sister, I never made any friends because I never tried to. 

Needless to say, yeah, Eddie and I had some history and maybe things got brought up when Vecna was trying to take over the world that might have been better left untouched. And maybe the idea of seeing him again brings butterflies to my stomach while also making my gut sink. 

“No, it's not that. I just…I guess I just haven’t been feeling it since…since yanno,” I say, half heartedly. 

Robin voices her understanding and tells me to just call back when I make a decision on if I would go or not. I promise her I will and hang up the phone. It’s not like I didn’t want to see them, because truly I did but it also wasn’t a complete lie when I told her I hadn’t been feeling quite right since the Venca situation. 

It was a really traumatic and horrible experience for everyone involved, and really astonishing that everyone made it out alive. 

‘Maybe I should just go…but what if it’s horrible? I know none of my lovely friends would ever say anything to me about it, but I just can’t stand the thought of them seeing me in a swimsuit, especially Eddie.’ I shake my head at the thought. ‘What a stupid thing to think, god, we all nearly died and I’m worried about my stomach in a swimsuit, how shallow is that? I guess some things just never change, no matter the life threatening situation…’

I go about my nighttime routine, washing my face and making sure no lights have been left on around the house. I say goodnight to my mother and fall right asleep. Or, I try to at least. 

But my mind keeps me up for much longer than I would have hoped. 

‘It would be a good time, though. Have a couple of beers, spend the night in one of Steve’s nice guest bedrooms. I wouldn’t even have to swim, I could just say I’m on my period or something. Ugh, but Robin knows that I always swam even on my period when we were younger. I’ll just wear a suit under my clothes and pretend the water is too cold even though it’s the peak of summer? Yeah, that should work. I can’t imagine anyone will care that much anyway if I’m not in the pool with them. I really do miss my friends.’

~ 

The next morning I call Robin and tell her I’ll be there tonight. She squeals in delight and tells me how happy she’ll be to see me.

Now it was just time to pick out an outfit, should be simple enough, right? 

Well, after leaving it to the last second and now only having about 15 minutes to get to Steve’s when it’s already a five minute drive, having half of my closet strewn about my room doesn’t seem like a very good place to be at. 

I finally sigh and opt for a swim suit from the summer before that I never wore, a green one piece with a wrapped sort of style for the top portion, and black cut off shorts and an old t-shirt that fits comfortably loose over it. 

I grab my keys and kiss my mother on the forehead, reminding her I wouldn’t be back till the next morning. 

Several shouts of my name reach my ears once I reach Steve’s backyard, it does bring a small smile to my face knowing I’ve been missed just as much as I’ve missed them. 

“You’re actually here, I’m so happy to see you!” Nancy says pulling me in for a hug, Robin joining on top, squishing us all together. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry.” 

“No, you don’t have to be sorry, it’s been a really hard year,” Nancy says sincerely. 

Steve comes up for a hug next, squishing me for dear life, I could feel him about to try to lift me up and spin me around so I pull away rather abruptly. 

“Alright, alright, it’s nice to see you, too, Steve.”

He answers with a kiss to the cheek and makes me promise that I’ll come to the next hangout and every one after that. I see Jonathan and he waves with a small awkward smile. 

Finally my eyes meet Eddie’s. 

~

“James! James! C’mon, come outside and play with me!” It was nearing the end of summer before James would go back to school for his 8th grade year and I would be going into 6th grade. 

“Not right now, can’t you see that I’m busy? I’m too old to play outside anyway,” my brother rolls his eyes. 

I hop down the stairs so I can see the basement fully now. Spotting all of my brother's friends huddled around our dinky old card table while he has books and notepads sprawled on his end. 

“Well, can I at least play your game with you guys? I’m sure I can learn it fast!” I beam, faking confidence in hopes to sway them. 

“No offense, shortcake, but it’s probably too confusing for you. Besides, we’re right in the middle of a campaign, it would be too hard to add in another character out of the blue right now,” Eddie says with a chuckle, like the idea that I could play is too amusing to even consider. 

Naturally, I take full offense. 

“Fine! You’re all so annoying, I didn’t even want to play with you anyway. Especially not with someone who has a buzzcut!” I stick my tongue out at them and run away, but not before I can hear them laughing. 

Sitting alone in my room I know it was childish of me, especially for my age. James was probably right, he was too old to be outside playing tag with his sister. I was too old to be throwing a tantrum like this over some friends wanting to spend time with each other without one’s little sister hanging around. 

~

“Hey, Munson.” 

Eddie nods his head in greeting and goes back to talking with Jonathan. Well, that’s honestly about as much interaction as I expected to get from him tonight. 

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” Robin exclaims, dragging you toward the cooler filled with ice and drinks, I grab a Sprite to start with. 

2 hours later and my Sprite is still mostly untouched and it’s now gone lukewarm. The others are in the pool splashing and playing chicken, I sit on the side with my feet dangling into the shallow end, watching as they fool around and laugh. Giggles and quiet laughs leave my lips on occasion with them. 

“You should get in, the water’s really nice!” Nancy says. 

“Yeah! Strip for us and get in here,” Robin adds, making everyone laugh. 

“You guys just want to get me out of my clothes, don’t you?” I play it off, shaking my head slightly. Giggles erupt again. I excuse myself to the bathroom after pulling my legs out of the pool. 

Closing and locking the door behind me I look at myself in the mirror.

‘I should just get in the pool, shouldn’t I? I do feel like I’m missing out on what could be a lot of fun. And it wouldn’t hurt to wash all this sweat off of me. I could just keep my shirt on, I have an extra change of clothes as backup anyway.’ 

I finish my business and leave the bathroom. 

After turning the corner to go back to the pool I run straight into something firm, nearly being toppled over before hands are at my forearms to keep me from doing so. Seeing dark curls fanning across this “something’s” shoulders and several patches of dark ink on its bare skin, I immediately know I have just run head first into Eddie. Great. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” I murmur, keeping my eyes pointed down. 

“It’s alright, shortcake. No harm done right?” he says, adjusting his head to try to catch my eyes. 

I nod my head and pull away from his hands that still rest gently on my arms. 

“Hey, hey, what’s up? You’re so quiet tonight, is everything okay?” 

I nod again and pull away harder, rushing out the door to get back to the pool, ignoring his call of my name and a request to “just hold on a second.” 

Pulling my shorts off quickly, I step up to the pool and begin to wade into the water before Robin stops me. 

“Your shirt! You don’t want the chlorine to ruin it!” 

My heart thumps, thinking of how I can handle this. My mouth opens to say something but before I can, Robin cuts me off. 

“Just take it off, no one’s gonna make fun of you for being in your swimsuit and if they do I’ll beat them up for you and then we’ll all collectively agree to throw them out of the group. And don’t try to tell me that’s not what it is, I can see it all over your face. You’re allowed to have fun and go swimming, I don’t like to see you excluding yourself, no matter the reason,” she says. 

Of course she would see right through any lie I could throw her way. That’s just how Robin is. No matter how clumsy she can be, she really is observant. Not only that, but she’s right. Nobody cares and if they do, that’s their problem. 

I rip off my shirt and dive into the pool trying to minimize the time in which people could see me without it. Immediately finding Steve’s legs I yank his ankles so he falls backwards into the water with an unnecessarily loud screech. 

It makes the rest of us laugh loudly until Steve comes back up for air with a thirst for vengeance. He chases me around the pool, not for long considering he’s such a strong swimmer and I’m really not trying very hard to get away from him, and catches me easily. His arms wrap around my waist and I cringe as his hands nudge my stomach, scolding myself for the action right after. Steve doesn’t care about my stomach, if he did, he wouldn’t be my friend. 

“That really wasn’t very nice,” Steve says and starts lifting me out of the water. 

“Steve, hey. Steve! Steve, no, I’m too heavy! Stevie, no! Bad Stevie! Bad!”

I’m thrown in the air as far as he can get me and I splash back down. 

I come up spluttering for breath, “Oh, you are so dead, Harrington!” 

All at once the rest of us are splashing and dunking him over and over, until he pleads mercy. Shrieks and squeals of glee and what might be considered laughter fill the air as everyone gets their turn being thrown into the water. 

Eddie comes back out from the house and cannonballs in the middle of our ‘hate on Steve’ fest. 

Eventually I end up back on the side of the pool in my shirt with just my feet in, this time so I can enjoy a fresh soda and mellow out a little, not to make myself smaller. Nancy and Jonathan have called it a night already, leaving Steve, Eddie, and Robin in or by the pool with me. 

“I never noticed this scar? Where did you get it?” Robin points to my knee. 

~ 

The nice old librarian put a hand on my shoulder gently to get my attention, telling me the library would be closing soon and it was best I head home, I hadn’t realized how late it already was. I pack everything together as fast as I can, quickly saying goodnight and unlocking my bike, trying my hardest to race home before the sun sets. 

The wheels of my rickety bicycle pump faster and faster and in my haste I bump over a high curb without realizing, flying off and onto the pavement. 

Tears spring to my eyes as air is sucked in through my teeth. I take a look at my knee and see a small dribble of blood seeping down it, my hands have little scrapes all over, spotted with little beads of red. 

Not the worst I could have gotten from a bike incident, but bad enough to keep me from being able to ride the rest of the way home. It’s not far, but so much for getting back before the street lights turn on. 

About 15 minutes later I make it into our backyard, dropping the two wheeled contraption from hell into the grass and stumbling through the door, all while sniffling back sobs. 

“Oh hey, shortcake! James was starting to get worried about you, you really shouldn’t walk alone at night yanno? Next time ju-” Eddie cuts himself off after seeing the state I’m in. Of course he had to be the one to see me like this. Anyone else could have been sent on snack duty tonight, but it just had to be him. 

“Oh my god, what happened?” He walks up to me. 

I shrug my shoulders and look away. I catch a glimpse of how bad my knees and hands have gotten on the walk home. Blood drips down both knees, my left knee looking significantly worse than the right. Dirt and pebbles cover my palms along with streaks of crimson. 

“Don’t do that, sweetheart. Tell me what happened? Please?” 

I still don’t say anything, fresh, hot tears welling up and already spilling out. I refuse to let stupid Eddie Munson see me like this, all it would be is more leverage to make fun of me with. 

He pulls my hand gently until I’m sitting down. Eddie appears in front of me with a first aid kit a few seconds later, carefully cleaning the gashes on my knees and scrapes on my hands with alcohol wipes. 

“Did,” he lets out a shuddering breath, “Did someone hurt you?” 

“No, god no Eddie, I just-, god this is so embarrassing, I just fell off of my bike is all,” I mutter, not really wanting him to hear the words as they come out. 

“S’ not embarrassing, stuff like that happens. I just wish you would have told me, here I was thinking the boys and I were going to have to band together to cause hell for our favorite little goblin,” he says. 

“You’re just trying to make me feel better, you guys wouldn’t really do that, I guess James might. Most of you guys don’t even really like me that much anyway, you don’t have to lie,” I whisper.

“That’s not true! Of course we would stick up for you!” he says like he’s shocked that I would think the opposite. 

I just shrug my shoulders again and wipe my eyes, still avoiding looking him in the face. 

“Here, let me help you up to your room. That can’t feel good to walk on,” he pulls me up from the chair and goes to lift me into his arms. I jump out of his reach before he can. 

“It’s okay, I got it. Just- you better get back downstairs before they start worrying. I’ll take care of myself.” 

“What? No, you’re basically limping just standing here, shortcake, let me carry you, it’ll only take a minute?” He phrases it like a question. Asking but also sort of demanding. 

The idea is actually really nice, and I want to say yes to it. It would be like when the prince finally gets the princess in all those books I’ve read. Eddie could sweep me off of my feet and whisk me away. 

But I know better, I know that he wouldn’t be able to lift me. Even if he could he wouldn’t so much as glance at me, again, I’m just his friend's little sister. Here only because this is where she lives. 

“No thank you, I’m okay. Go ahead and go back to your game, I’m sure they miss you already. Nobody would even notice if I were gone, but they’ll practically riot without you,” I try to cover how deeply I believe those words with a laugh as I wobble away and halfway up the stairs before he can stop me. 

~

“Um, I guess I don’t really remember. It’s probably just one of those super old scars you forget are even there,” I say, even though I recall the night I got it vividly. 

Eddie’s eyes meet mine from the other side of the pool and they look almost…hurt at the possibility that I might not remember that day. Well, he didn’t get to feel hurt about it. He made it clear that he doesn’t care how I feel when we were in the upside down. 

“Hmmm, yeah, I have, like, tons of those actually,” Robin says, “This one is from my cat, Steven, and this one-” 

“You have a cat named Steven?” I cut her off. She gives me a look that says ‘duh’. 

“But what about Steve? Like human Steve? Was this before or after you became friends? And how has this never come up before?” I practically shriek. 

“Believe me, it has come up before. And yes, before she tells you otherwise, it was after we became friends,” Steve says, settling down beside me while throwing his arm around my shoulders. 

“That is not true! I found him outside the mall before we became friends! We may have been working together at that point, but we were not friends yet!” Robin shouts. 

“We were friends, she’s just embarrassed that she named her cat after me,” Steve whispers in my ear, making me giggle like a schoolgirl. 

Even though I’ve never seen Steve romantically, he still had the ability to reduce me to feet kicking and hair twirling. 

“What’s wrong with you, Munson?” Steve asks, noticing the scowl covering his face that usually carries a bright smile. 

Eddie shakes his head, “Nothing man, just thinking about how I don’t have a beer in my hand right now.” 

~ 

A call of my name breaks my gaze away from the mirror. 

“You almost ready? It’s time to go!” James yells, entering my room. “Hey! You look great! It almost feels like I’m sending you off to prom already,” he says wiping fake tears from his cheeks. 

I shove him in the chest and readjust my hair and the straps to my dress for what feels like the millionth time. It was a rather simple looking thing considering I had to sew it myself since the only dresses even near my size were too far out of theme for the 8th grade Winter Snowball or they were simply just ugly. 

Light blue and white fabric lays delicately across my shoulders and down to my knees, matched with white slip on shoes and silver snowflake jewelry. 

“You look really nice, seriously. I know how nervous you are, but it’s gonna be okay, I promise,” my brother assures me, slapping my shoulder much harder than necessary to push me towards the door, “Now it’s time to get your butt moving, let’s go!” 

When we arrive at the dance I immediately catch eyes with Robin and speed walk to her. James goes wherever he's needed for volunteering. 

After about 45 minutes the first slow song of the night comes on as I sit contently by myself at the far end of the bleachers. I wasn’t sad to not be dancing with anyone, I was honestly sort of relieved that I hadn’t had to dance all night. But watching all the couples on the dance floor does make my heart ache just a little. 

“I haven’t seen you dance all night, what’s that about?” 

“Why are you here?” 

“Ouch, shortcake, I don’t even get a hello? And what, I can’t come volunteer with your brother?” Eddie says, fake hurt painting his face. 

“It just doesn’t seem like you, I guess.” 

He sits down next to me leaving at least enough room for another person to sit between us. He hands me an unopened juice box. 

“Seriously though, why aren’t you out there? You don’t have someone you wanna get cozied up with on the dancefloor?” He wiggles his eyebrows at me in his typical annoying Eddie way. 

I roll my eyes, as my stomach twists with shame. He’s mocking me, isn’t he? 

“Nope. I’m okay with it though. Honestly I was perfectly happy just sitting here. Until you showed up that is,” I say with a shrug. 

“Oh really? Well, gosh, who made you such a sour fart?” he laughs as I push him in the arm. 

“Alright, c’mon then. Pity party is over, let's go do this,” Eddie holds out his hand and raises a brow when all I do is look at it confused. “Let’s go dance, shortcake, you should at least once before it’s over.” 

“Um- I-” I’m at a loss for words. There’s no way he’s being anything but friendly but my stupid heart skips too many beats to count. 

“Here, I need to go check on James and see how the other volunteers are doing. While I take care of that, I want you to sit here and decide if you want to dance with me or not. Of course, I won’t make you do anything you don’t wanna, but if you’re up for it, I’m here,” he says, bouncing back to the drinks and snacks table. I smile giddily at his back and stay sitting. 

By the time the last song of the night played I was still in the exact same spot I had been for nearly 2 hours, waiting for Eddie to come back. 

Immediately after he left, I knew I wanted to dance with him. Of course I would. I’ve known him since I was in 4th grade and have had a crush on him for a year now. All I had to do was wait a few minutes and I would get to live out a fairytale dream. Dancing across the room in a flowey dress with the guy I liked. Of course it would be strictly platonic on his end but it could mean something more to me silently. 

So there I sat, with my empty juice box, tapping my foot in excitement. The first slow song ended and there was no sign of Eddie, but I was sure he just caught up with volunteer work. After the next 3 songs played I began to doubt myself slightly. 

‘Maybe he hadn’t actually wanted to dance like it had seemed. But he looked really sincere when asking me. Yeah. And even if Eddie is just a regular teenage boy, and he can definitely be a jerk sometimes, he’s much sweeter and kinder than most. He wouldn’t leave me hanging like that. He’ll be back any minute now, I’m sure.’ 

By the time 11 more songs had played, I knew he wasn’t coming back. Tears were smearing my mascara while I sat as still as possible on the bleachers, not wanting to draw any attention to myself.  

Of course he wasn’t being serious. He just wanted to tease me like usual, the only difference was this time it went too far. This time he was cruel about it. He could have just told me he didn’t mean it. Instead he strung me along and had me sitting here like a lovesick puppy for an hour straight. 

Who was I kidding? Eddie couldn’t be interested in me. He was my brother's best friend and had seen me grow up. I was just his friend’s chubby little sister. Wearing a dress that doesn’t sparkle and shine like all the others’, sitting alone and pouting like a baby. 

He probably thought I would crush his feet if I accidentally stepped on them. 

After persevering through another hour of horror, James finds me in my corner ready to head home. 

“All ready to go?” he asks jovially like he always seems to be. 

“Yes.” 

James picks up on my mood right away, but I’m already halfway to the car before he can say anything. 

“Okay, uh, I gotta clean up some stuff still but here,” he throws me his car keys when I turn back around, “Go get the car started yeah?” 

I nod and head out to the car when I see Eddie jogging up to the doors after me. My steps speed up hoping for all hell to avoid him. He calls my name but I don’t look back or slow down, in fact, the only thing it succeeds in doing is making me walk faster. 

My hands shake as I try to slip the key into the driver’s side door handle. Warm hands settle on my wrists. 

“Holy shit, I am so sorry, shortcake. I was so excited to dance with you, I really was, I just got caught up in helping another volunteer with something and lost track of time. I didn’t mean to forget you there all alone, I swear on everything. I know how excited you were for tonight and I am so sorry. I didn’t realize how long I had been gone until everyone started leaving and then I saw you get up and realized what I’d done, please forgive me,” he rambles off almost too quickly to understand. 

I expect tears but all I get is a deep rooted feeling of shame and anger. Ashamed by the fact that I thought he would come back and angry at myself for sitting there hopelessly when I could’ve danced with Robin at least. 

“Please, look at me. Please tell me you at least got to dance with someone else, right? You had a good time? Please tell me you at least had fun,” he pleads. 

A scoff escapes me as I whirl on him. 

“No, I didn’t dance with someone else, I sat there and I waited for you. I waited for you the whole time, and I guess that was my first mistake wasn’t it, huh? I believed you. I really thought you meant what you said to me.” 

I rip my arms out of hold. 

“You know what’s funny, too? I was actually having a really good time before you showed up. I told you as much earlier, even. I was perfectly happy to sit by myself, considering that’s how I spend most of my time anyway. I was really enjoying just watching the lights and the twirl of dresses, alone. I was overjoyed to just sit and watch Robin dance with her friends. And you had to come and- and lie to me! You made me feel special for fuck’s sake.” 

His eyes flash with guilt and he must have finally realized how much he hurt me. 

“I get that I’m not the prettiest and skinniest girl and I know that most of those kids don’t even know my name, but you do! You know me. You know me and you still forgot about me,” I pause and take a deep breath, “Do you remember what I said that night when I fell off my bike?” 

Eddie shakes his head.

“Nobody would even notice if I were gone. Nobody, not even you, I guess. You forgot about me not even 5 minutes after making me feel like the most special girl in that whole damn room. And that was really mean, Eddie. I hope you, at least, have a good rest of your night,” I step into the car and start the engine.

~ 

Steve plops down next to me holding 4 cans of beer, one for each of us. 

“I’m really happy I came tonight, thank you, for inviting me and not forgetting about me after I kinda disappeared,” I say quietly. 

Steve pats my back while Robin says something along the lines of ‘duh, of course we would never forget about you.’ 

Eddie stays silent, watching me closely. 

I put my drink on the ground beside me and lay on my back, pulling my shirt down to make sure it covers me still. I start to count the stars, just to keep my brain occupied. My eyes drift shut, my mind choosing to visit yet another memory tonight.  

~ 

It was James’ graduation party. All we had were a couple tables set up with snacks in the backyard and a bonfire, nothing too fancy. I made a simple ‘Happy Graduation!’ banner to hang across the gate for everyone to see, too. 

I’m wearing a plain white sundress and converse, I knew I would be running back and forth from the backyard and the kitchen too much for heels to be sensible. Making sure there’s enough drinks and food and ice for everyone was my job tonight. The sun is still up, melting the ice and warming every drink out here. 

James calls my name softly, “You can quit running around and tending to every little need. Come hang out with everyone for a little bit. Please?” 

I set down the metal tub where drinks are kept and walk over to sit around the fire with him and his usual friends. New faces have popped up over the years, but many stayed the same. Danny Williams, a junior who may or may not have been my first kiss when we happened to both show up at the same party and ended up playing spin the bottle together, Jason Carver, a freshman who appeared promising on the football team before switching to basketball instead, Michael Brown, a senior who’s been in the little Hellfire Group since the beginning. There are several others I don’t recognize and even more that I do. 

Of course, Eddie is there too. I just haven’t really…acknowledged him in…in a really long time. 

I haven’t necessarily been giving him the silent treatment, but I stopped entertaining the conversations he always seemed to start with me. 

Danny greets me with a smile as he sits down next to me. He even pulls his lawn chair a little closer towards mine, grinning slightly while doing so. 

“What can I do for you Danny?” I say. 

“Oh nothing. I just wanted to come sit by you, is all.” Huh. That…that sort of stumps me. 

I didn’t think Danny would even recognize me at the party, and I’m honestly even more surprised that he wanted to talk to me after kissing me. We make small conversation, butting into the rest of the group's discussion once in a while to add an opinion. 

Night had fallen and marshmallows and graham crackers were brought out for s'mores, as well as a couple of 12 packs of beer that someone had brought with them. 

I knew James had gone to several parties to celebrate winning a football game where there had been alcohol, or even just little get-togethers where it was provided. I guess now that it was only soon-to-be seniors and high school graduates, minus myself, left at the party it was time for that portion of the night to begin. 

I stand up to go in and let the others have their fun. 

“Where’re you going?” Danny asks, grabbing my hand lightly, looking up with wide puppy dog eyes. His eyes are a pretty green color. Brown eyes have always been my favorite, though. 

“Oh, I was just going to head in and call it a night. That way you all could have your fun without worrying about me dragging you down.” 

My comment makes his brows furrow, his mouth opens to say something, but he’s cut off. 

“You can stay out here, you know. No one minds having you here and I’m sure dear old James doesn’t care if you partake in a little drink, do you?” Eddie states. When did he get so close to us? 

“Even if I did care she gets to do what she wants, man. As long as you're safe about it, go for it,” James says, patting my back and taking one for himself. 

I’ve never drank before, but what the hell? James was leaving in just a few weeks now and this might be my only chance to try it. It’s certainly one of my last chances to hang out with everyone like this, at least for a while. 

After just 2 cans my tongue had already loosened significantly. Danny and I had been talking and giggling the whole time until he had gotten up to go home since his designated driver was ready to leave. 

“So, you and Danny seem pretty close suddenly?” Eddie phrases it like a question, wanting more information on the subject. 

Usually I would just hum in what could be taken as agreement or disinterest but my mind was running a little slower than normal. 

“Yeah, he and I kinda ran into each other at a party that I kinda crashed with Robin and we ended up, like, kissing and stuff,” I giggled. “But shhhh, don’t tell anyone else.”  

Eddie’s eyes widened, but that could have been a trick of the light. 

“What, uh, what do you mean by ‘and stuff’?” 

“Oh nothing. We just had one teensy tiny kiss because we were playing spin the bottle,” I say, not really thinking about it. 

Now I really know my brain is playing tricks on me because for a second I think Eddie looks pleased with this new knowledge that it didn’t really mean anything. 

“I feel like we haven’t really talked in a long time. What’s, uh, what’s been up, lately?” 

The question itself is awkward, but the way he struggled through it made it even more awkward. 

“I’ve been regular old me, Eddie. Nothing new or exciting. Although I did finish a book last night that really threw me through a loop. Oh! Actually there is something exciting! Do you wanna hear it?” 

He smiles, “Of course I do, shortcake.” 

“Well,” I take another sip of what is now my third beer, “William Gillar and Stacy Johnson have finally graduated!” I let out a squeal. 

Eddie just looks at me confused. 

“Do you have any idea what this means, Eds? I am finally free of those two asshats for the rest of my high school experience! Isn’t that amazing! I mean, it was easier to ignore this year than last year, but god I am so thrilled! No more mean notes from them calling me a pig in my locker and book bag, I can even finally find a table to sit at for lunch instead of hiding in Mr. Steerwell’s class,” I sigh happily. 

“Do you wanna know what else they did? This is so silly! They used to catch me on my walk home from school and steal my library books. How stupid is that? Why would you steal someone’s library books, right? They would run around with it so I would chase after them and then laugh at how my body would jiggle. How funny, right? I am so happy they’re gone, Eds, you have no idea.” 

Eddie has his mouth halfway open, anger flaring in his eyes. But that couldn’t be right, why would he care about a couple of high school bullies. 

“No, that’s not funny or silly. That’s been going on this whole time? And you didn’t tell anyone? God, why wouldn’t you tell someone, sweetheart? That’s horrible,” he says. 

“Meh, it’s just normal high school bully stuff.” I wave my hand in dismissal. 

“No, it’s not. Bullying shouldn’t even be considered normal anyway, but what they did to you? That goes far beyond normal, shortcake. I wish you would have said something. You know James and I would’ve taken care of them for you, right?” 

“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it. It’s too late,” I dismiss him and his misplaced worry. Honestly, it was nothing I couldn’t handle. He must have sensed how much I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because he dropped it. 

The night moves quickly after that, people say their goodbyes as James takes over clean up duty, considering I can barely stand up without nearly falling asleep. 

“Eddie, will you take her in and make sure she gets into bed okay?” James asks. 

That’s how I find myself being semi-dragged up the stairs to my bedroom and thrown on the mattress like a sack of potatoes. I don’t think Eddie was half as rough as my brain made it seem, to be honest. 

“Eds?” I whisper looking down at Eddie who’s kneeling by feet, gently taking my shoes off. 

“Yeah?” 

A couple beats of silence pass where I try to figure out how to word what I’m thinking. 

“I forgive you.” His movements stop. “I hope you know that. It’s probably such a silly little thing to even remember but I forgive you for forgetting to dance with me. I probably would have forgotten me, too. And…and I am sorry. I really am, for pushing you away so hard after. It was really stupid of me and I wish I hadn’t. Robin is a good friend, but you’re kind of the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend, I think. And I threw that all away over hurt feelings. Puberty, am I right?” I giggle. 

“S’ not silly to remember that. And you weren’t being stupid, sweetheart. You were hurt, you were protecting yourself and I don’t blame you for that. I should never have even walked away from you that night, but I did. And I don’t deserve your forgiveness for it,” Eddie says. 

More words mumble out of his mouth but none of it registers. Soon the noise stops and I feel Eddie’s warm hands pull my shoes all the way off, pushing my legs onto the bed and turning me to lay comfortably on my stomach. 

He must remember that’s my favorite way to sleep. 

My mind must really hate me because I swear, right before I fall asleep, I feel lips pressing gently to my forehead while a guitar calloused hand pushes hair away from my eyes. 

Of course, that didn’t actually happen because that’s not something Eddie would do. Right? Yeah, he wouldn’t…

~ 

A timid shake to my shoulder pulls me from my dozing. 

“Hey, shortcake, it’s time for you to go in.” 

There’s only one person who’s ever called me by that nickname. 

“Hm, it’s been a while since you’ve called me that…Eds.” 

I don’t know what made me decide to use his nickname. It never seemed right to use it after we drifted so far apart when James left. 

Eddie helps pull me to my feet. 

‘Hmmm, he’s always been a lot stronger than he looks. I barely even lifted myself up for him.’ 

“Oh, now you wanna be all friendly again? Using a nickname and everything? What’s this all about, huh?” Eddie says, steadying me with his calloused hands when my legs wobble.   

My brows furrow, “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Earlier, when we were in the house. You practically ran away from me. I mean, it’s just that we…we haven’t seen each other since we went into the upside down. I thought maybe,” he lets out a long breath. “Maybe things had changed or something, I guess. I was hoping we could talk about it after we all got out but you’ve been avoiding everyone.” 

“And why is that? Why do you think things would have changed Eddie?” 

~

“No! No, no, no! Edward Munson, if you cut that rope, so help me god!” 

“You know I always love when you use my full name.” 

And the bastard cuts the rope. 

The next thing I know, he’s out of the trailer doing something entirely too heroic and the exact amount of stupid he always is. 

Before I can think I shove Dustin out of the trailer, the one not in the upside down, and send him to go help Lucas. 

“No! We need to help him! Can’t you see that he needs help!” 

“I know Dustin, I know. That’s why I’m staying here. But I need you to go find Lucas and Erica and check on Max. There are others who still need our help, Henderson. Please, listen to me and go help them.” 

I turn back into the trailer before he can disagree again, locking the door to make sure he doesn’t follow. Without second guessing, I jump through the portal, landing somewhat safely on my side. 

I manage to find a bike and just a few minutes later I’m riding as fast as I can towards the bat tornado that Eddie stands in the middle of. 

“Eddie you dumb jerk, you better not be getting yourself killed!” I scream at the top of my lungs. His eyes catch mine as a look of horror crosses his face. 

“Why the hell did you follow me? I specifically told you not to!” 

“Yeah, well I specifically told you not to cut the rope!” 

We fight off the bats as best we can until they all suddenly drop to the ground. 

Eddie and I stand breathing hard, our brains trying to catch up with all of what just happened. Eddie turns to me, a grin beginning to form. 

I punch him as hard as I can in the chest. And then I do it again, and then again and again, until I’m pounding my fists against his chest over and over again. 

“What the hell?! Honey, stop, you’re gonna hurt yourself!” 

I choke on hiccupping sobs as hot tears overflow past my lashes. 

“Don’t you ever do something like that again! Ever!” 

Eddie grabs my wrists to keep me from hitting him anymore. I keep trying until I realize his hold on me is too strong. 

“Princess, you gotta stop. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore, please stop.” 

He wraps his arms around me, stroking the back of my hair, pressing soft kisses to my forehead. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay. We’re okay, I promise.” 

“That was not okay, Eddie. Not okay!” I tell him looking up into his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I really am. But look, we did it!” 

He looks down at me thoughtfully. His eyes flit down to my lips. My breath catches. 

He couldn’t possibly be… 

His lips are on mine. And Eddie Munson is kissing me. 

Both of his hands are on the side of my face, rubbing his thumbs softly across the apples of my chubby cheeks. 

I pull away, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

“Kissing my shortcake,” he says with a smirk while I grimace at the phrase. He laughs at the face I make and kisses me again. 

I kiss back harder this time, getting lost in all things Eddie. The way his hair feels soft even despite being so dirty. His lips are somehow minty. He smells like smoke and old books. 

My heart soars. This has to be proof, then. Eddie must think of me the way I think of him. I can’t imagine ever kissing someone with this much passion if it didn’t mean something more. I smile into the kiss.

Footsteps sound behind where we stand and Eddie pushes me off of him, placing several feet between us. I look at him confused and hurt by his sudden change in behavior. He refuses to meet my eyes. He even wipes the back of his hand across his mouth, looking straight ahead at Steve, Robin and Nancy appearing in front of us. 

Oh.

He’s too embarrassed to let his new friends see him with the big girl? Is that what it is? Does he suddenly regret kissing me? Was it just a heat of the moment type of deal, then? I was the closest human thing, so he settled on me for a little ‘yay the world didn’t end’ kiss?

In my whole life, I don’t think anything has hurt as much as that did. 

~

An uncomfortable amount of silence fills the air.. 

“Things got weird after James left, but you know that. We both felt it, even though we tried to ignore it. Jason started to act like he ran the damn school even though we were friends at one point. I never saw you because we were never at your house anymore. Then I got held back and we basically had every class together. Then I got held back again and you graduated. I missed you. I really, really missed you,” he says the last part quietly. Almost like he was afraid for me to hear it. I hold back a scoff.

“I missed you so much, it’s ridiculous. I just wanted my shortcake back. My sweetheart, my princess, my honey,” he laughs to himself, I stay quiet. “God, I was such a jerk to you growing up. And not because ‘I had a crush on you’ because that’s bullshit, guys shouldn’t be allowed to be mean to girls with the excuse of it being ‘romantic’. I wish I had treated you better, been a little friendlier. I never realized how much you meant to me until your brother’s graduation.” 

He takes his eyes away from his feet to glance at me. 

“Do you remember that night? It was your first time drinking and you got so sleepy I had to tuck you into bed. You had told me about you and Danny at that party and it made me jealous. I’d never really felt jealous before, certainly not like that at least. It made me realize how deep my feelings for you went.” 

I remain silent, partly because I didn’t want to interrupt him when this is the most honest and vulnerable he’s ever been, out of respect, and partly because I was utterly confused and angered by what he was saying and claiming.

“You forgave me for leaving you alone at the dance, even though I never deserved to be forgiven for that. I didn’t even know how badly you were being bullied at school until you told me, that’s not a person who deserves to be forgiven.” 

A soft laugh and a pause. “I guess what I’m saying is…is I wish things had, in fact, changed after Vecna. And I know, that’s probably not something you want to hear because I know it’s not the same for you but I figure if you’re not gonna talk to me anyway, I may as well tell you, right?” 

He takes a step towards the house but I don’t let him get far. 

“What do you mean it’s ‘not the same for me’?” 

“Well obviously you’ve been ignoring me since I kissed you so, clearly it wasn’t something you wanted.” He shrugs his shoulders. “And that’s okay. I’m not saying you have to be with me or anything, I’m just saying…I don’t know what I’m saying.” 

“I’ve been ignoring you?” I ask, dumbfounded by his idiocy. 

“Well, yeah. You haven’t even been answering the walkie.” 

“And you think that was because I didn’t want to kiss you? Not because, oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that the second Nance and the others showed up you shoved me away from you? It couldn’t have been because it was obvious you couldn’t stand the thought of being seen with me?” 

Eddie’s face drains of color. 

“I can’t help but see now that this is all you think I deserve. A quick kiss when no one can see, right? A little making out before someone can figure who you’re with, huh?” 

“No! That is not at all what that was! I can’t believe you would think that. I pushed you away so you wouldn’t be seen with me!” he shouts, cutting me off. 

“What?” 

“The whole town wanted me for murder! Murder! They thought I was running a cult that killed my friend as a sacrifice! My friend! I didn’t want you to be tied to that anymore than you already were, so I pushed you off before the others could see. If someone, somehow went yapping about a girlfriend of mine and things went sideways when we got out of the upside down, you might have gone down with me and I couldn’t let that happen. I just couldn’t. I was going to tell you all of this as soon as I could but you never let me get the chance, and I see why now. I am so sorry it looked like I was embarrassed to be with you, but that will never be the case with me.” 

He takes my face in his hands and looks me directly in the eyes. 

“You are single-handedly the most beautiful person I have ever met. Inside and out. You have always cared for me and the old Hellfire Club. Don’t think I didn’t know it was you sending cookies on our campaign nights, even after graduating. I remember when I showed up at your house looking for James because some older kids had taken my lunch money in middle school, little you went after them yourself and did one helluva job doing it. You sat me down and cleaned me up. Gave me peas to put on my forehead.”  

It was like a forgotten memory was just pulled up by his words, I did remember that. 

“I could never be embarrassed by you, ever. I don’t care what people think. I…I love you. And I love your hair, and I love your eyes, and I love your laugh, and I love your stomach and your thighs, and I love your mind. I love you and I hope you can see it. I hope…I hope you can see me,” he finishes off in a very quiet whisper, tilting his head down and away from my eyes. 

I place my hands over his that still hold my face. 

“I have always seen you, Eddie Munson. Always.” 

His head jolts up to look me in the eyes once more. 

“God, Eddie, I’m so sorry. I know you’re not a horrible person, I should have known, I’m so sorry. God, you were literally being hunted for murder and I was crying about you being embarrassed by me? I’m so fucking sorry.” 

I shake my head and take a deep breath. 

“I love you, I have for so long. I love the way you smile, I love the way you’re not afraid to take up space, I love the way you’re there for Dustin, the way you were there for me countless times. I love you and your horrible music.”

“Hey, now. Watch it.”

I laugh, “I love you and I see you and I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re forgiven, I promise. You didn’t even really need to apologize in the first place.” 

“Yes, I did. Because none of that was fair to you.” 

“And none of that was fair to you, shortcake. It’s okay.” 

I look at his lips, and that’s all the cue Eddie needs to kiss me. Finally. We put our hearts into it, getting lost in each other. Getting lost in our sudden understandings of the other.  

“We’re both really kinda stupid aren’t we? Stupid and oblivious,” I say, chuckling quietly. 

“Oh, definitely. I mean, we’ve known each other for, what, at least ten years and we couldn’t figure this out without a bunch of drama?” 

“It seems very on brand for you actually, you’ve always been one for the dramatics.” 

“I love you.” 

“And I love you.”

[rogue-durin-16]

MISS SLYTHERIN

Summary: Fred meets the perfect girl at the beginning of his seventh year; although he is reluctant to ask her out, the universe keeps throwing her into every place Fred finds himself in, even in the most unexpected one; the Quidditch pitch.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Slytherin!Reader

Genre: mostly fluff

Tags:

Fred Weasley: @whiskeyn-rain @lumos-solemn

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: language and a little tiny bit of slut shaming (?) and making out

A/N: I was on the subway listening to Sweet Dreams and my brain went 'hOLd oN— bEAteR ReAdER 👁️👄👁️!' so here we are. Kinda long but worth it. Enjoy this <3

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

It was the first Saturday of the scholar year, and the first ten days tended to be the definition of chaos, so I had volunteered to help my House's prefects with the first years; I was in sixth year, so my first two weeks were mostly free anyway.

I was on my way to the dungeons to pick up the group of kids the prefects had assigned me when I bumped into my Ravenclaw friends, and I decided to chat a bit with them to catch up.

I had my back against one of the hallway's walls, therefore I saw the pair of towering, lean, redheaded figures jogging towards my friends to give them a jump scare.

"That's about it real— AAH!" My friend jolted at the infamous' twins, bumping them for scaring her. "Idiots!"

"Sorry, love." One of them passed his arms over two of my friends' shoulders, while his twin brother's eyes roamed over the circle, tilting his head in confusion when he reached me. "Hello?"

"Hey." I gave them a subtle wave and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Oh, right!" My friend turned to me and pointed at the boy whose arm rested on her. "This is George and that's—"

"Fred Weasley." He introduced himself, offering me his hand to shake with a half smile that promised everything but boredom.

Giving his hand a firm shake, I responded, "Y/n Y/l/n." Our eyes locked; we didn't even attempt to hide the fact that we were measuring one another, and I knew I would have to endure the teasing on my friends' behalf later, but there was something in Fred's gaze that made me extremely curious about his intentions.

I let go of his hand, only for him to take a couple of steps in my direction to stand closer. "And how is it that I've never seen you before, Y/n Y/l/n?" He inquired, leaning on his shoulder against the wall.

"I reckon you don't look much at the Slytherin table?"

His body tensed. "Oh?"

"Oh." I chuckled at his shock. "Scared much?"

The corner of his lips twitched up again. "Should I?"

"Guess that's on you to decide." We lingered on each other's gaze for a bit too long. "I think I'll get going." I was the one to avert my eyes in order to talk to my friends, who were already giving me that look. "See you lat— Oi!" Fred swooped the bag I was carrying off my shoulder and hung it on his.

"I'll carry this for you."

"I'm heading to my House."

"Where else would you be heading?" I turned to my friends in confusion, but they only shrugged; I didn't even have time to ask them what was he up to. "C'mon, Miss Slytherin!"

My eyes got big at the name and I spun around, rushing to catch up with him. "I can carry my own bag, you know that right?"

"But then I wouldn't have an excuse to walk with you." I quirked a brow at him when the ginger winked. "Tell me something."

"Like what?" I questioned, a confused yet amused grin dancing on my lips.

He shrugged, averting his gaze to nonchalantly look to the front "Dunno," He changed my bag to his other arm so it wouldn't be between us. "What do you think about Umbridge?"

"Well, she's got terrible taste in clothing." He laughed, and so did I. Just like that, we fell in a quite fluid and enjoyable conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

FRED'S P. O. V.

"—And not only that, she's so smart—" I groaned burying my face in my bed's pillow, very aware that I had been talking about Y/n to George and Lee for at least fifteen minutes. "Yesterday she held my hand and I think my face turned red."

Lee's snort was followed by George's words. "So are you gonna ask her out or...?"

I grimaced. The last couple of weeks, somehow I had managed to bump into Y/n everywhere. It was as if the universe was throwing me towards her, but there was a voice in the back of my head that stopped me from making a move. "What if she says no?"

"Freddie, she blantantly flirts with you every time you see her." George stated with his eyebrows raised. "Just ask her out, mate."

"Aight," I nodded. "I'll do it next time I see her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

READER'S P. O. V.

When Adrian Pucey informed me that Crabbe wouldn't be able to play in the upcoming Quidditch match, I instantly regretted accepting my friends' dare of showing up at Quidditch tryouts.

Though I didn't put much effort on it, I got in the team as a reserve, and the moment had come for me to shine. How lovely.

I couldn't really back out of that one, so that's how I ended up in the Slytherin changing room before a match that would be played in the worst conditions. Since I was in deep already, I thought I might as well go for the win with everything I had.

"Oi, Malfoy!" I gestured the kid to come closer, which he did with reluctancy. "Don't give me that look— I don't like you either."

"What."

"You're not half as good as Potter—" Before he started the rant of insults, I spoke again. "Shut it. You're not half as good but you're faster." My words were clear and slow, making sure he would understand. "Keep your eyes on Potter— if he moves, you move."

He seemed to hesitate, weary of my advice, but then he gave me a subtle nod and walked away.

"C'mon, on your feet everyone!" Our captain called us and we obeyed; as we approached our entrance to the pitch, thunders could be heard louder and louder. "We're not only for the win, we're gonna crush them." He shouted, partially so we could hear him over the racket of the storm and the muffled hubbub of the crowd, but also because he wanted us to know how serious he was about it. "Glasses!" I took a deep breath, grasping the bat "Broomsticks!" The gate opened as I mounted my broomstick. "UP!"

"AND HERE COMES SLYTHERIN!!" We heard Lee Jordan's voice as we took off to go around the pitch in formation.

Even before we flew over the Ravenclaw stands, obnoxiously loud cheers of my friends could be heard, and I couldn't help but laugh.

FRED'S P. O. V.

"The hell are they cheering on?" I frowned at the Ravenclaw stands going nuts when our rivals passed over them. "It's bloody Slytherin!"

My brother, who was waiting besides me for the match to start, scanned the stands, and then the opposite team; in an instant, he stood upright and nudged me with his bat. "Oi, look!" George called my attention over the roaring crowd after the Slytherin team had passed over our heads. "The beater! Number 6!"

I looked for their number 6 in the pitch, only finding what George was talking about when they stopped at their starting points. Squinting my eyes, I managed to read through the rain the back of the robe. "Y/l/n— Y/n?!" George laughed loudly, following Angelina's cue and flying to his respective mark in the circle.

"Move!" Katie yelled, flying past me and snapping me out of my awe. Had she always been a beater?

When I reached them, I saw Y/n meticulously making sure she had everything secured.

Our eyes, despite the glasses and the pouring rain, managed to meet seconds before Madam Hooch's blowed her whistle, and I would have sworn she gave me a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"FRED PAY ATTENTION!" Not even Angelina's yells were enough to bring my mind back to the match, something I regretted instantly; a bludger had been beaten in her direction and nearly knocked her out of the broom. "FUCK!" The quaffle fell from her arm, only to be picked up by one of the Slytherin chasers. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!"

"Sorry!"

"Freddie what the hell!" George had flown to us, probably in hopes to stop the bludger from clocking Angelina. "Will you focus?!"

"Yeah— Sorry!" I apologised again— well, it was more like a grunt rather than an apology. "Go back to Harry!"

"Defend our bloody chasers!" He scolded me before heading off.

I forced myself to keep my eyes on the bludgers and not on Y/n.

The rain kept getting heavier; not even the Impervious charm seemed to work repelling the water from the glasses anymore.

I was cold, drenched, tired and befuddled; my legs were stiff and my arms numb, so I definitely did not see it coming; for that matter, I thought it was a strong blow of wind at first, so the shock that struck me when I was knocked off my broom was a big one.

I heard loud gasps and a scream or two coming from the stands, followed by Lee commenting something about the beater being beaten; in another situation —one where it wouldn't be fucking pouring and I could climb back up to my broom—, I would probably have laughed at it.

But right now, with the hand I held my bat in slipping off the broomstick, the last thing I wanted to do was laugh.

READER'S P. O. V.

Once I had dodged the bludger away from Pucey, my eyes roamed around looking for the other one. which had just been beaten away by Goyle and, intentionally or not, the bludger went straight to Fred.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw his broom flip due to the hit, leaving him clinging onto it.

My eyes went straight to his brother, who was way to far to help, and then to their captain, who was adamant to score points.

"Fuck." I groaned through gritted teeth as I turned my broomstick and flew towards the Gryffindor beater in distress.

"Y/L/N STRAYS FROM HER POSITION AND— FLIES TO WEASLEY?" Jordan's commentaries reached my ears right when I got to Fred. I stretched my arm and grabbed his hand just in time for him not to slip off the broom. He gripped onto my hold for dear life as I used my broom as a leverage to pull him back up, a groan escaping my lips. "LOOKS LIKE NOT ALL SLYTHERINS ARE ARSES!"

I waited until he was steadily secured to let go of his hand. "Next time let go of the bat!" I advised with a teasing grin before flying off to my previous position.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, Y/L/N" I knew I was going to get shit for what I had just done, but I was expecting my captain to wait until the match had ended.

"HE WAS GONNA FALL OFF!" I yelled, louder than necessary.

"WELL LET HIM FALL THE FUCK OFF!" The captain retorted, venom dripping off his tongue. "WITH ANY LUCK HE'LL KILL HIMSELF OFF!" I didn't expect those words to come out, not even from that mouth.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" I beat an incoming bludger away from us before shouting, "SUCK MY METAPHORICAL DICK, YEAH?!" And with that, I flew off to defend Malfoy, who was rushing to Potter. Surprisingly enough, he had followed my advice. I flew on Malfoy's track, dodging a bludger away twice until he gave a final sprint and caught the snitch.

"SLYTHERIN WINS!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The team started to celebrate as soon as we landed, and I thought I would take advantage of that and change into dry clothes, but I didn't have the chance before someone called my name from the entrance.

"Psst— Y/n." I turned around to see Fred standing there.

"Do you have a death wish?" I spoke quietly, though a smile appeared on my gaze as soon as I saw him. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to thank you for helping me out there." His cold fingertips brushed my wet cheek as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and he leaned on to place a kiss there. "Aw you're blushing!"

"I'm not blushing, I'm cold," I excused myself, averting my eyes from him.

Maybe it was his loud snort, or maybe the fact that I was missing, but the changing room fell silent as my team's attention was directed to us.

"Oi!" My captain looked Fred up and down, stepping to where we stood. "You're not welcome here."

"Chill," Fred shrugged, his hand lingering on my forearm. "I was congratulating her on her victory." His tone foreshadowed chaos. "Since, you know, it's obviously her doing." I glared at the ginger my hand going to his forearm, silently warning him to stop. "Can't command your own team, can you?"

his arm folded so his palm would be on my forearm too, giving me a reassuring squeeze.

"She should've let you fall off that hand-me-down broom of yours." Fred's grip on my forearm tightened; by the look on his face and the way his jaw clenched, I could tell my teammate had successfully hit a nerve.

"Shut the hell up, will you?" I snapped. "Can't you enjoy the victory without being an arse?"

"You fucking slut—"

"Imaginative." I cut him off, unbothered. "Want a cookie for the effort?"

"Listen now—" Just as he went to grab my bicep, a large hand pushed my captain away, making him stumble back.

"C'mon, mate, give me a reason to beat the shit out of you." Fred said, pulling me to stand besides him instead of between them. Fred's switch was about to flip, and I was desperate for a professor to step in.

As if I had summoned them, i caught a glimpse of Snape and McGonagall walking in my direction from the stairs of the teachers's tower.

"I'd love to see you try." The boy in front of us scoffed. "There's already too much ginger scum besmearing the pure blood, I'll be glad to send you straight to the hosp—"

It was far from expected it would be me punching that asshole strong enough to make him trip and fall.

"Miss Y/l/n!" Oh, right. McGonagall. "Ten points from Slytherin!"

"And fifty points for Slytherin." Snape added in his usual unimpressed tone. "Due to the comradeship you've shown during the match." I widened my eyes at the statement. "Though I can't ignore this, so Y/l/n, turn up in my class tomorrow morning for your punishment. Now, shall we, Minerva?"

"We're leaving too." I informed Fred in low voice, grabbing my bag before pulling him out of the Slytherin changing room.

"That was one hell of a punch." He observed with a chuckle once we were out. "Remind me not to mess with you."

I breathed out a laugh and we fell silent as we walked under the stands towards the exit, the only noise being the rain ricocheting on its structure.

"Thank you." He whispered, his fingers brushing against mines and consequently sending shivers down my spine. "For sticking up for me."

"I expect a reward at the least." I replied, playfully bumping his shoulder before letting my fingers intertwine with his.

"What would that be?" He inquired, that half smile tugging on the corner of his lips.

I shrugged, looking ahead of us with a grin of my own. "That's up to you."

"Will a kiss do?" He mused.

"Depends on how good the kiss is." I begged for my cheeks not yo turn bright red.

In a swift movement he spun me around and his lips landed on mines. His free hand, initially on my cheek, travelled down to my hips, pulling my flush against him while my own hands tangled on his damp hair.

Probably it wasn't a short kiss, but it felt like it when his mouth left mine, and I couldn't help the sight of displeasure that escaped my vocal cords.

He chuckled, our eyes fluttering open at the same time. "Was it good enough?" He teased with a quirked brow.

"Dunno." I muttered, my eyes falling on his lips again. "I think you'll need to try again—"

"To be sure." He finished, and I could only nod; I wouldn't mind the teasing as long as his lips came back to mines.

This time the kiss was deeper, my hands roaming over his wet robes and his over mines; it was only when my back was met with a post that I realized he was backing me into the darker part of the framework, which I did not oppose to.

Quiet moans began to be breathed into the kiss when he nibbled on my lower lip or my hands tugged on his locks.

We had to pull away when steps and voices where heard coming from both changing rooms.

"I think we should kiss more often." He suggested breathless against my lips.

"Agreed."

"I think you should go out with me too."

I had to bite back a laugh. "Agreed again."

"Well, that was easy." The surprised on his gaze was way too amusing.

"Did you think I'd say no?"

"Duh!"

"You're an idiot, Fred Weasley."

"Aw but you love it." He wiggled his brows at me and I smacked his chest.

[bakubub]

Best friend rigs the Secret Santa for Bakugo and yourself to get one another...

A/N: Hullo everybody!! This is part 2 (find part one HERE) of this Pinterest Prompt and part 3 will (hopefully) be the final part. I honestly thought this would be a 800 word fic but now we're barreling towards almost 5k all together whoops lol-

Warnings: Just a few swears here and there, SFW, its literally all Bakusquad shenanigans.

Word count: abt 1.5k, ENJOY <3

"Soooooo~ Who d'ya get for the cringle?" Kaminari asks, leaning back on his chair dangerously to look back at me, sitting on the desk behind him. I raise my eyebrows, since I can't just raise the one, and flick my pen expertly in my hand.

"Mr. Aizawa," I answered seriously. "I'm thinking of getting him another sleeping bag. The musty yellow one isn't really his colour."

Looking genuinely confused, Kaminari looks around to see if anyone else overheard our conversation.

I laugh at him, and kick his chair forward, causing him to shriek as he sits squarely on his butt. I look down to see a folded note on my desk, opening to read it as Mr Aizawa tells us to settle down;

Lover boy was TOTALLY just greasing off Kaminari for making you laugh. I think someone's still jealous from the whole sleeping incident...

Catching Mina's eye, I give her an I don't think so look, which she promptly rolls her eyes at. Its been a whole weekend since the 'sleeping incident', where I had woken up with Kaminari's arms wrapped around my waist and his head nestled on my stomach. Accidentally of course. We, along with Bakugo and Kirishima, had fallen asleep on the couch in the common room, talking late last Friday night.

It really wasn't a big deal... Kaminari apologised several times. I got over it, he got over it, and I don't see why Bakugo, whom Mina just loves to call 'lover boy', would even care.

Plus, I have bigger problems. Like what to get said lover boy for the Christmas Cringle we were supposed to be exchanging this Saturday. He's literally impossible to buy for. Well, I could always just buy him a new pair of shorts or something, but since I've had a crush on him since literally the first day of school, it needs to be perfect.

So far I've thought of a cookbook, an apron, a scarf since he's always wearing the brown one, or maybe even a matching beanie; then again his hair has such personality I don't even know if he CAN put a beanie over those suspiciously natural spikes...

"Hellooooo, come on, Aizawa dismissed us," Mina says, nudging my shoulder.

I snap out of my daze and gather my things, following out of the nearly empty classroom.

"Decided on what to get monsieur Hothead yet?" I sigh, already having predicted this question.

"Nope," I say, popping the p as we walk to the dorm rooms. "I'm thinking of maybe getting-"

"Hey girls, wanna meet at the common room at 6 for a rematch of UNO?" Kaminari asks, coming up from behind us and slinging an arm over my and Mina's shoulders like he always does.

"Yeah sure, we're down." Mina answers, pinching him in the side so he lets us out of his grasp. We duck away, laughing and continuing our banter, before I catch Bakugo's gaze.

"You coming too, Bakugo?" I ask, walking up next to him, ignoring my heart trying to escape its cage.

"Coming where?" He grumbles, still looking disgruntled and angry.

"We're playing UNO around 6 today in the common room. Come on, it'll be fun," I say, trying to persuade him into coming, since he never usually participates.

"HELL NO! I don't have time to waste, especially with you extras," He yells at me. I huff, rolling my eyes and continuing to ignore the feeling of my heart beating in my eyeballs, as I grumble, "you never do," and walk back next to Mina, who was now somehow in a water fight with Kirishima, Kaminari and Sero.

Overall certain that I didn't let my nerves peek through while talking to him, I don't register what's happening as Sero grabs Oijiro's water bottle out of his bag, unscrews the lid, then promptly dumps it over my head.

With Mina, Kirishima, Kaminari and even Bakugo gasping in the background, I wiped the water off my face, before realising my mascara had probably smudged all over my cheeks and glared at Sero, who was slowly backing away.

I practically growl before chasing him, blindly grabbing my own water bottle out of my bag and drenching him, messing up his styled hair which has him shrieking "sorry, I'm so sorry!" and has me cackling in sweet, sweet revenge.

---

"PLUS FOUR?! AGAIN KIRISHIMA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Mina screeches as she pounds Kirishima's arm from next to him, who is laughing and judging from his reaction, barely feeling her punches. I know from experience, that Mina punches hard. He has to be really tough not to show an inkling of pain.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just really have to win this one!" He says, shooting a guilty smile Mina's way. Maybe he just doesn't feel pain in general...? I stare at him with suspicion as Mina huffs and she rolls her eyes at him, promptly dropping a four plus for the next person in our circle, who just happened to be me.

"Hey! Not cool, hypocrite." I mutter.

"I had to get my anger out somehow. I'm pretending you're Kirishima. Go on, pick up those cards, you slimy rat," Mina says smugly.

Giving her a confused look at her weird logic, I continued the game, Shoji and Hagakure also having joined in half way.

Just as I'm about to announce UNO, Bakugo stomps through the common room and sits right in between myself and Mina, crossing his legs on the floor and leaning back on his two hands.

"BAKUBRO! YOU CAME!" Kirishima yells excitedly, Kaminari and Sero also whooping and cheering.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. I finished my work and came to see what you idiots were doing." He says, voice gruff but not screaming for once.

I raise my brows at him, and he scowls and looks the other way, not being able to face me after he so rudely rejected my invitation a few hours ago.

"Oh please, you just couldn't handle the FOMO." I say teasingly, smirking at him without fully turning my face so the others can hear.

Sero stifles a laugh and Kaminari looks confused before the dots connect and he also has his hand clamped around his mouth.

"She has a green 7," is all he says, a sadistic look of satisfaction overtaking his features. It takes a moment for all of us to realise what he just said.

Mina cackles as she changes the colour to red, effectively stopping me from winning the game.

Shooting him a dirty look, I lean over to grab another card, simultaneously elbowing him hard in the shin, which he doesn't even react to.

What is it with these guys and their weirdly high pain tolerance?

Ignoring him now, we continue the game, Kirishima practically slamming his last card on top of the deck. "I WON, I WON, man that was so MANLY," He celebrates as I see Mina rolling her eyes and silently fuming. I begin to shuffle and hand out the cards deliberately skipping Bakugo, which doesn't go unnoticed by him.

"Oi, where are my cards?" He asks, annoyance evident in his tone as Kirishima continues to gloat in the background about how manly his win was and Kaminari complaining about how he never "gets the good cards." When I don't respond, Bakugo steals my cards from in front of me, leaning forward to play with the others.

Snarling, I grab my cards out of his hand, causing him to snarl back, until we're fighting for the 7 cards.

"What are you guys doing, there's a whole ass deck here, you know," Sero says, eyebrows raised and nudging Kirishima.

"These. Ones. Are. MINE." I gasp out, my knee coming around to jab him in his side as his hand pushes me down from my sternum. Oxygen knocked out of my lungs, I gasped for air as I tried to hold the cards out of his reach, my hero training kicking in as I snake my other arm around the back of his neck to hold him in an upside down headlock. Trying to push his forehead onto the ground, I give the cards to Mina, who laughs and takes them, after taking a photo of us.

Having apparently heard the camera click, Bakugo (after struggling a great deal might I smugly add) gets out of my head lock and zones in on Mina. "Delete that photo, Racoon Eyes," He snarls.

"Not in a million years. Awww, look Bakugo are you blushing?" She says, pointing at her phone.

Eyes widening and red creeping up his neck, Bakugo snatches the phone out of her hand and deletes the photo, before getting up and leaving.

"C'mon Bakubro, she's just joking," Kirishima says, following him out.

"Yeah man, you didn't even play a game yet," Sero adds.

"I HAVE STUFF TO DO!" He screams, seemingly going back to his old self.

"Didn't you just say that you finished your homework?" Kaminari asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

"SHUT IT, CHARGEBOLT! I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU," he says a tad too harshly, turning slightly to glare at him with bulging eyeballs. Kaminari closes his mouth and shuffles his cards, trying not to set him off again.

"Bakugo-" I start, but when he doesn't turn, I find myself letting him leave.

Staring dejectedly at Mina, she gives me a giddy smile and grabs my phone, going onto her messages and smirking as she shows me the photo he just deleted.

"I sent it to you as soon as I took it. Thank me later," she says, winking, as she gets up to leave, dragging Sero and Kaminari with her.

I look down at the slightly blurry photo, seeing me handing Mina the UNO cards under Bakugo with a desperate expression. He has his hand pressed down on my sternum, straddling my waist and looking down at me, with an unmistakable smile gracing his features. Unless that's just a new way of scowling.

The phone dims and all of a sudden I'm confronted with my own expression on the darkened screen.

A lovesick fool.

That's all I can see.

A/N: Ngl pretty proud of that ending. JUst in case I'm not as slick as I think I am, she meant herself and Bakugo, hehe <3

Notes, interactions and reblogs are highly appreciated <3

Find part 3 HERE

[jamsofdeath0]

Proof qi could generate Riverdale plots, via ai generated Riverdale plots.

"Jughead's Disaster"

1. The biggest mistake I ever made was buying a house with a basement...

2. I was never really interested in anything until my senior year of high school. And then I became obsessed with becoming a lawyer.

3. I got pregnant at 17 years old! There were no abortion clinics back then, and I had to go to the only clinic in town, where they would tell me that if I didn't want to carry to term, I could have the fetus aborted.

4. After going through some tough times, I eventually decided to put myself through college, and graduated with a degree in Law Enforcement. I spent 10 years working for the police department before deciding to start my own business.

5. My first business venture was Jughead's Disaster, Inc., the world's largest and finest provider of disaster services. I hired a bunch of people who couldn't do their jobs and charged them an outrageous amount of money for doing nothing. Within 6 months, we went bankrupt.

6. The second time around, I started my own landscaping company. We did well for a while, but after a while, everything turned to shit again. So I took out loans I knew I wouldn't be able to pay off, bought a brand-new truck, and started a lawn care service.

7. That lasted about 5 minutes. When I tried to cut grass, I realized that I wasn't as good as I thought I was. Plus, our customer base kept shrinking over the course of the summer. To make matters worse, our customers kept complaining about the smell coming from our trucks.

8. In desperation, I decided to become a real estate agent, since I figured that I'd be good at selling houses. Well, I'm not great at selling houses, but I am pretty damn good at finding houses to buy. I've been looking for a house for 2 weeks now.

9. All I need is a place to sleep for the night, a bathroom, a kitchen, a job, and a nice home to live in. But I'll settle for any of those things right now.

10. If you're reading this, I'm probably still alive. I don't know what happened to that email I sent you guys. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day.

-------------------------------------------------

Jughead's fantastical day out

1. "The journey begins."

This line represents Jughead's way of starting things off. He always starts something at the beginning and finishes it off completely. When he's not thinking about his friends, he's worrying about them. So, we know where his headspace is right now. He probably got some good news, but isn't sure how to react.

2. What kind of car?

We know he loves cars. But what kind of car? Maybe he's been looking forward to driving around town with his buds on Saturday. That's pretty exciting!

3. "I've never done anything like this before. I'm nervous."

He's finally doing something he wants to do, but he's still nervous about it. That could mean that he's going to get caught. Or maybe he thinks he'll have fun without getting caught, but then again - who knows?! Jughead's just excited to go somewhere new, so he doesn't want to disappoint anyone.

4. "What if I don't like it?"

Jughead doesn't want to do things unless he likes them. If he hates it, he may run home early. But, if he does love it, he might stay longer than expected!

5. "But I'm supposed to meet my friends here..."

He knows he should be meeting his buddies, but he also wants to hangout first. We'll bet they're all worried about him, especially once they find out that he didn't show up to work.

6. "Maybe I can hang out with them later?"

If he gets bored hanging out with his friends, he'll go back home. If he really misses them, though, he might decide to stay longer.

7. "This is the last thing I need. A bad day at work."

His boss is probably mad. His coworkers are probably pissed off since they think he's messing up their plans. And his friends will definitely tell him about this later. Why is he even doing this?

-------------------------------------------------

Jughead's disasters

1. A Weed Man Named Jughead

In his youth, Jughead was a member of a famous gang whose members wore blue jackets and were known by their nickname, the Blue Meanies. One day, he fell out with the gang leader, who told him to leave town. Jughead responded, "I'm going to kill you," and went home. He got drunk and shot his father dead. When police arrived at the scene, they arrested him for murder instead of being allowed to shoot him again.

Jughead's mother had been married before, and she divorced her second husband after learning about Jughead's crime. She then married a widower named Nuggety McSnooterson, who adopted two children who were also raised as members of the gang. Nuggety and his wife renamed themselves The Snoots and moved to a farm outside of town where they grew marijuana to help raise money for their adopted children's college education.

Nuggety's first harvest yielded only enough marijuana to pay off the mortgage on their house. Jughead learned about Nuggety's growing operation, and he decided to take over the business. He renamed himself Dr. Crippen (after the infamous serial killer) and began making plans to kill Nuggety and his family. Meanwhile, Nuggety's son Jack realized what was happening and tried to warn his parents, but Jughead had already poisoned them both.

Jack survived long enough to call the police, but Jughead took revenge on him too. After killing Jack, Jughead turned his attention to Nuggety's teenage daughter, Ginger. He kidnapped her and brought her back to his lair, hoping that she would witness her father's death. Unfortunately, the girl escaped and ran away from home. She eventually joined her boyfriend, a young man named Jeffy Jones, who had left school to work at the local factory.

Jeffy knew Jughead well, since they attended the same church. He was happy to see that Jughead had finally changed his ways, but the two men still did not get along. The night before Jeffy was supposed to go away to college, he came home to find Jughead waiting for him. Jeffy was forced to sit down while Jughead explained his plan to kill Nuggety. He said that he wanted to make a fresh start in life and asked Jeffy to join him in the drug trade.

Jughead offered Jeffy $10,000 if he agreed to become his partner. That night, Jeffy went to sleep on the couch, thinking that he would have plenty of time to decide whether or not to accept Jughead's offer. But when he woke up the next morning, he found himself alone. Jughead had fled without saying goodbye, leaving Jeffy to wonder just how much money he really stood to gain from the deal.

Jughead soon returned to his lair with a new partner named Sludge. Together, they planned to sell drugs to middle-class citizens in order to finance their elaborate scheme to destroy the entire community. Their first big job was to steal a shipment of cocaine from a nearby warehouse belonging to Mr. Biggs, who was a rival drug dealer.

The following day, they drove to the warehouse, where they waited until Mr. Biggs' truck pulled up. Then, they followed behind him and watched as he loaded the cocaine onto his truck. As he walked back to his office, they jumped out of their car and seized the drugs. When Mr. Biggs saw that his truck was missing, he called the police. Soon, officers from the sheriff's department surrounded the warehouse. They searched everywhere but could not find any sign of the thieves.

Later that evening, Jughead and Sludge were relaxing in their hideout when the police showed up again. They searched the premises and found some blood that had spilled onto the floor. They suspected that someone had been injured inside the building, and they rushed to investigate further.

Inside the warehouse, they discovered the bodies of Mr. Biggs and his employees. There was no sign of Jughead or Sludge anywhere. They had vanished. In fact, no trace of anyone had ever been near the site of the crime. All of the evidence pointed to the conclusion that Jughead had killed Mr. Biggs and stole his cocaine. The police arrested Jughead and charged him with murder.

When the trial date approached, Jeffy decided to testify on behalf of his friend. As he described the events of the previous night, he mentioned that he had never seen Jughead carrying a gun. He added that he had always believed in his friend's good intentions, so he could not understand why Jughead had tried to kill Nuggety (and his family). However, he admitted that he had seen the pair together many times before, and he remembered that Jughead had boasted to him about his intention to kill Nuggety so that he could inherit the family fortune.

This evidence seemed to undermine Jughead's alibi. Police searched his house and found several guns hidden under the floorboards. They charged him with double homicide and attempted theft. Jeffy testified on Jughead's behalf, explaining that he had lied about seeing the guns on purpose. He said that he had been afraid that Jughead would try to kill him if he revealed the truth.

After hearing Jeffy's testimony, the jury acquitted Jughead of all charges. He and his accomplice had managed to fool everyone, including the judge and the jury and they felt confident that they could do the same thing again.

-------------------------------------------------

[theotherhufflepuff]

Driving Home For Christmas (pt 1)

Carry On Countdown day 21 - Holiday

~5.5K

All my stories for this year's Countdown take place in the same universe/timeline. You can find my other fics under the tag Casey writes.

Now, I'll be honest with you; I started this one well in advance but the Christmas period is always quite difficult for me and things have gotten on top of me a bit so I haven't been able to write as much as I'd have liked. This is also why I've had to abandon a couple of the prompts I had ideas for - but I might come back to them later!

As it is this is getting way too long anyway, so I'm going to post it in two parts (part 2 as soon as I can manage it!)

This takes place immediately after my day 6 (reunion/reconnect) fic, 'Til I Belong To You. You don't need to have read that one for this to make sense, but it does spoil the entire plot of the previous one so it's probably best to read them in order!

Title is the Chris Rea song.

I don't think this one needs any content warnings.

Enjoy!

Baz

I can hear Simon in the shower. It’s Christmas Eve and he has to work a half day. My office is closed and I took yesterday off because I only got back from America on Saturday, so I’m enjoying a rare lie in. Well I was, until Simon dropped something that hit the bottom of the bathtub with a loud bang.

He opens the bathroom door and a waft of his scent reaches me. I breathe it in as deep as I can manage. He comes around to my side of the bed and kisses my cheek. “I’ve got to go,” he says, quietly.

“Mmm,” I groan.

Simon laughs. “Are you going to stay in bed all day?”

“Maybe,” I mumble, pulling the duvet up over my head.

Simon pokes me in the ribs through the duvet. “Don’t make me pull this off you,” he threatens, lifting the bottom edge and exposing my feet. I pull them up further so they’re covered again.

“Nooo,” I moan. I fell asleep naked and it is so cold outside of the bed. I don’t know where my clothes are.

Simon laughs again and kisses the top of my head. “I’ll be back at lunch time. Love you.” I hear him leave the room and a minute later the front door opens and closes.

Three days ago, Simon proposed to me. We haven’t told anyone yet; we’re just enjoying being together for a few days. It hasn’t been hard; we just haven’t seen anyone. Well, Simon had to go to work yesterday but since he’s not the one wearing the ring it hasn’t come up. We spent Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday in bed, sleeping – and not sleeping. Simon has been in such a good mood; I actually think he might be able to enjoy Christmas this year.

We’re going to Lady Ruth’s for dinner this evening before her party starts. We can’t stay for the party because we’re driving up to Oxford tonight to spend Christmas with my family. We’ve spent the last two Christmases with the Salisburys because I didn’t want to leave Simon and I didn’t want to take him to Oxford – that’s not going to help anyone’s depression. But Daphne called me a few weeks ago and practically begged me to spend Christmas there. They’ve just finished converting one of the small barns near the house so I have somewhere to sleep other than the sofa. Daphne said she wanted me to bring Simon, she said it would be ok. I don’t really know what that means; has she had an actual conversation with my father about it? That would be more conversation than I have ever had with my father about it. I spoke to Simon; I told him he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to, but he said he wanted to. So we’re spending Christmas in Oxford. Where we will have to announce our engagement to my family.

I groan to myself, still curled into a ball under the duvet. I’m not looking forward to this at all. I try to focus on the positives; the children will be excited. Daphne cooks a lovely Christmas dinner. The barn is separate from the house so we can at least escape if we need to. I get to dress Simon for dinner.

I poke my head out over the duvet and try to locate some clothes; I am absolutely not getting out of this bed without something to put on. There’s a pair of pyjama bottoms within arm’s reach and I put them on under the duvet. They’re too big for me because they’re Simon’s but they’ll do. I find one of Simon’s hoodies, too and put that on. I need some tea.

Simon

Baz keeps checking and rechecking that we’ve packed everything we need for our stay in Oxford. It’s not like there’s a lot of it – we’re only staying one night. He’s been very quiet since I got home and trying to get a whole conversation out of him has been a non-starter, so I’m just leaving him to his thoughts. He’ll speak to me when he wants to and not before.

I watch him check the suitcase again. When he zips it up for about the fifth time I seize my chance to lift it off the bed. “I’m going to put this in the car, we should leave soon.” He nods silently.

I take the suitcase down to the car and put it in the boot with the bag of presents that is also going to Oxford. If I’m honest I’m nervous about spending the night with Baz’s family, too; I don’t like the way Baz shrinks into himself around them. Here, with me and our friends, he can be Baz - all Baz all the time. He can be a vampire and be gay and wear suits with big pink flowers on and hold my hand and no one whose opinion he cares about will raise an eyebrow. But with his family… he dresses in plain suits and holds himself stiffer. He wears his hair all slicked back like he used to at school and his vampirism is only acknowledged in euphemism; his queerness isn’t acknowledged at all. I don’t want to do this any more than he does, but he’s doing it for Daphne and I’m doing it for him.

I go back up to the flat and find Baz sitting on the bed sort of staring into space. I sit down next to him and put my arm round his shoulders, pulling him into me. “It won’t be as bad as you’re expecting,” I say. I don’t really believe it myself; it’s more a statement of hope than anything.

“I don’t know, Simon. My father…” he trails off. He’s looking down at his hands, fiddling with the ring I gave him.

“Baz,” I take his hand in mine. “We don’t have to tell them now. You could take the ring off while we’re there, I don’t mind.” I really don’t. If it were up to me I’d tell everyone. Strangers on the street. I’d shout it from the rooftops “I get to marry Baz Pitch, love of all my lives!” I think Baz would, too – he just doesn’t want to tell his father. I don’t blame him.

He meets my eyes then. His eyes are dark grey and sad; I think he feels like he’s letting me down. He couldn’t ever let me down; not after all the times I’ve let him down. He takes a breath. “Come on, let’s go.” He stands up and heads out of the bedroom. I open the top drawer of my bedside table and take out the ring box. I put it in my pocket, just in case.

***

I put the radio on in the car so we can listen to Christmas songs on the way to Lady Ruth’s. Baz rolls his eyes at me when I sing along but he doesn’t say anything or turn it off. I’m in the passenger seat holding a large potted poinsettia on my lap. Lady Ruth insisted on no presents but it felt rude not to bring something.

Baz takes the poinsettia from me when we arrive at Lady Ruth’s house and motions me through the door in front of him. Lady Ruth hugs me enthusiastically and takes my coat; the nice charcoal coloured one Baz bought me last year when I had my wings removed. “This is for you,” I say, gesturing to the plant that Baz is still holding.

“Oh Simon, now what did I say? You really shouldn’t have – oh!” She’s not looking at the plant, but at the pot; Baz’s hands are wrapped around it. “Basil,” Lady Ruth says, “are you wearing a ring?” She looks from me to Baz and back again, eyes wide.

I can feel myself blushing; I hadn’t meant to do it like this. “Uh, yeah, he is.” I feel a bit sheepish but I’m grinning, I can’t help it. I’m relieved to see Baz is smiling, too.

“Oh how wonderful!” She takes the plant from Baz and starts down the hallway. “Come into the kitchen where I can see it properly,” she stops at the bottom of the stairs to shout “Jamie! The boys are here, and they have news!” We follow her into the kitchen.

Lady Ruth deposits the poinsettia on the nearest worktop and immediately takes Baz’s hand, bringing it close to her face to inspect the ring. “How lovely,” she’s saying as Jamie comes through the door. “Congratulations darling.” Her voice sounds thick as she hugs Baz tightly. He hugs her back and I push away the thought that this is not the reaction we’re likely to get in Oxford.

“What’s happening?” Jamie asks, slightly bewildered but in an indulgent sort of way.

“We, uh, we’re engaged.” I tell him. It feels weird to say it “we’re engaged”. It’s surreal. Baz untangles himself from Lady Ruth and holds his hand up, showing Jamie the ring.

“Amazing; congrats man.” Jamie smiles wide at both of us and claps me on the shoulder.

“Thanks,” I grin back. Lady Ruth is wiping her eyes on a tea towel.

“Can I take your coat Baz?” Jamie asks; Lady Ruth forgot to take it in her excitement.

“Oh, Basil, I’m so sorry. I got completely carried away,” Lady Ruth fusses as Baz hands his coat to Jamie.

Lady Ruth has, as usual, made enough food to feed an army. There are cakes, finger sandwiches, pigs in blankets, gingerbread men, meringues, minces pies… it just goes on. The centrepiece is a large gingerbread house and a Christmas tree made from star shaped shortbread biscuits covered in green icing and stacked on top of each other.

“You’ve outdone yourself Ruth,” says Baz, immediately taking a mince pie from a platter when Lady Ruth motions for us to help ourselves. They get on so well you’d think she was his grandmother; watching them together makes me feel warm inside.

We eat and chat; Jamie asks me about work and Baz talks to Lady Ruth about magickal history - he’s a proper nerd about that sort of stuff. Eventually Jamie says “Mum, the guests will be here soon.”

“We’ll leave you to it then,” says Baz, standing up. “Thank you so much for having us, Ruth.” He’s so smooth it’s unbelievable.

“Before you go, boys, I have something for you, wait there.” She disappears for a minute and returns with two Christmas presents, wrapped in white paper with silver snowflakes on.

“Thank you, Ruth.” I say earnestly as she hands us one each.

“Open them now, boys. Let an old lady have her fun.”

Can’t argue with that. We both tear off the wrapping paper, Baz managing to look like less of an overgrown child than I feel. Under the paper is a knitted jumper. Mine is emerald green with a row of white snowflakes and Christmas trees across the chest. Baz’s matches mine but his is bright red.

“Did you make these?” I ask, incredulous.

“Well, there was some magic involved. They’re just silly things; you don’t have to wear them.” For the first time ever Lady Ruth looks sheepish.

“Impressive,” says Baz and I know he’s genuinely impressed; that’s complicated magic.

I step forward and hug Lady Ruth. “I love it. Thank you, Ruth.” I mean it, too; I do really like the jumper. I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed; my grandmother made me a Christmas jumper.

***

Baz is quiet again in the car; there’s no trace left of the relaxed Baz that just made conversation with my family for two hours. It makes me tense; I want to make this as easy as possible for him but I don’t know how. Baz always has the right words when I need him but he’s usually so unflappable and I don’t know what he needs right now; this is a whole new Baz to me.

Baz drives past the hunting lodge and parks the car next to a barn. I guess this must be the one we’re staying in. At least it’s not haunted like the house in Hampshire. He turns the engine off and leans his head back against the seat. I feel like I need to say something to reassure him, but I don’t know what. Usually I’m the one who needs reassuring, not him.

“Baz…” I start, not really sure where this is going. He turns his head to look at me. “Babe, look, we can handle this however you want, OK? Just say the word; I’ll follow your lead.” He’s frowning but for once I don’t think it’s at me.

He takes a deep breath. “Simon…” another breath, “I don’t want to do it right now, in front of the children. What if my father spots the ring right away, like Ruth did?” He looks me in the eyes and it’s painful to see how much this has got to him. I just want to make it stop; how do I make it stop? I want to tell him to drive us home. He can call Daphne and tell her we can’t come; he can say I’m ill or something. But I know he won’t do it; he promised Daphne he would spend Christmas with them.

I take the ring box out of my coat pocket and offer it to him. “Take the ring off, Baz, please. Don’t do this to yourself.” Baz frowns again and this time it is at me. “I wanted you to have the option, just in case.” I explain.

He sighs heavily and looks away from me, taking off the ring. I open the box and he pushes the ring into the gap in the little cushion. I put it in the glove box for safe keeping.

“Ready?” I ask him, squeezing his now bare hand.

He leans over and kisses me slowly. “Ready,” he says.

When we get to the front door Baz takes a moment to straighten his collar (it was already straight) and smooth his hair back (it was already smooth) and then he opens the door and steps through into the hallway.

“Hello? We’re here,” he calls as we take off our coats. A dog barks somewhere in the house and the sound of claws on wood floors is joined by several pairs of feet running towards us. The large and extremely fluffy dog beats the twins into the hallway, gets one whiff of Baz and immediately growls and backs up. Sophie and Petra (and I still don’t know which is which) push past the dog and run at Baz, arms wide. He lets them hug his legs for a moment and then says “Say hello to Simon, girls.”

“Hello Simon!” They both chant, wrapping themselves around my legs. I pat them awkwardly on the head. They’re wearing matching Christmas pyjamas with cartoon reindeer on.

Mordelia appears in the doorway and looks up from her phone. She flashes a genuine-seeming smile at Baz and then me. “Hi,” she says, “Mum’s just bathing Swithin. Dad’s gone to put the Nightmares in for the night; he’ll be back in a bit.” She goes back to her phone then and retreats back the way she came. Baz rolls his eyes at me; I’ve had to listen to him complain before about the kids all having phones and ipads. I think he’s just mad that he didn’t get a phone until he was fifteen.

The twins have let go of my legs and one grabs my hand while the other grabs Baz’s; pulling us into the living room. “Will you watch a Christmas film with us Simon?” my twin says.

“Please Baz,” says the other, “we want to watch Arthur Chirstmas!” my twin leads me over to the sofa, where she climbs onto my lap as soon as I sit down.

Mordelia is sitting in an armchair I suspect is usually Malcolm’s. She groans. “No, not again. Can’t we watch Love Actually?”

“That’s boring,” Baz’s twin says, wrinkling her nose. Baz picks her up as he sits down on the other end of the sofa, sitting her down on his lap, too.

“What about The Grinch?” I suggest. That was one of the films we used to watch every Christmas at the home when I was a kid.

“No,” says Baz. “We are going to watch the only Christmas film that matters: The Muppets Christmas Carol.” I had no idea Baz had a favourite Christmas film. Probably because I’ve ruined every Christmas we’ve been together. Baz would never say so, but I know I have. The first year I killed the Mage; the year after that I was having a complete breakdown; the year after that I actually wasn’t much better. Last year I had just had my wings off and I was starting to process everything that meant; I wasn’t as bad as the year before but I wasn’t exactly the personification of Christmas cheer, either. I really want him to have his own family Christmas this year; I am determined not to ruin it for him.

“Oh yes, I love the Muppets!” Daphne says from the doorway. She’s holding Baz’s little brother who is wearing a bright red onesie that says “SANTA I’VE BEEN VERY GOOD” on the front. “We used to watch it together every year, didn’t we Basil?”

“Hello Mum,” Baz says from his seat. He can’t get up to greet her because one of the twins (Sophie, Petra? How am I supposed to tell? How do they keep track of which one they are?) is still sitting on his lap. Daphne comes over and shifts Swithin onto her hip so she can bend down and kiss Baz on the cheek.

“Hello darling,” she says to him, and then she turns to me and kisses my cheek, too. “Hello Simon, merry Christmas.” I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks; this is a level of familiarity I’m not used to but Baz did say that Daphne wanted to make an effort with me, for his sake.

“Merry Christmas, Mrs Grimm,” I mumble awkwardly.

“Please, Simon, call me Daphne,” she insists breezily, going to sit in the other armchair. Swithin immediately wriggles off of her lap and comes over to the sofa where Baz and I are sat with the twins.

“Baz!” Swithin shouts. He’s just turned four but he doesn’t say very much and he’s got a bit of a lisp. Baz says his father’s worried about how it will affect his magickal ability. Apparently they’re sending him to a speech therapist. Poor kid, can't they just let him get there in his own time?

“Hello, Little Puff, do you want to sit up here?” Swithin holds his arms up and Baz leans around the child on his lap to pick Swithin up and settle him on the sofa in the small space between us. “Are you going to say hello to Simon?” Baz asks him.

Swithin looks up at me, “Simon!” he squeals. I laugh at the joy on his little face.

“Hello, Swithin. Shall we watch the Muppets?”

“Up-pets!” He squeals again. He only seems to squeal single words at a time, but he seems pretty happy about it.

We watch The Muppets Christmas Carol; Malcolm comes in and moves Mordelia out of his armchair just as Jacob and Robert Marley are warning Scrooge about the ghosts coming to haunt him. Swithin falls asleep under Baz's arm while Kermit and Tiny Tim are signing about there being one more sleep ‘til Christmas. The twins fall asleep before the Ghost of Christmas Future shows up – which seems like a good idea; he’s kind of scary.

When the film is over Daphne takes Swithin upstairs and Baz and I follow, each carrying one of the sleeping twins. Once the children are all settled in their beds we go back downstairs to the living room and make polite conversation. It’s awkward; more awkward than it usually is when I’m here. Malcolm seems to be employing a “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” policy, which just means he doesn’t really talk to me. Baz has put that posh boy mask on; the one that looks and speaks a lot like Malcolm. I think he’s stressed about the whole situation so he’s properly retreated back into the old habits, as a sort of defence mechanism; or self-preservation.

Eventually, Daphne concludes that it’s late and the children will be up early, so we should probably go to bed. She comes over to the barn with us to get the presents we brought up so she can put them under the tree for the morning. I start unpacking the suitcase, looking for my toothbrush and pyjamas. Baz chats to Daphne; he seems more relaxed without Malcolm here.

Daphne opens the drawer of one of the bedside tables and pulls out a small and slightly battered cardboard box. “Basil, I found this in a box of old things in the loft when I was clearing out a few weeks ago. They belonged to your mother and I thought you might want them. I know how much you love music and well, so did Natasha.” She says quietly. I don’t know why but this feels like a particularly private moment so I busy myself with the suitcase on the other side of the room.

Baz

I didn’t know there was anything left of my Mother’s that I hadn’t already seen. Daphne is holding out this old shoebox which has no indication on it as to what it contains. I take it and remove the lid – it’s full of cassette tapes. “Thank you,” I say to Daphne and I mean it. I have some of my mother’s old records but she inherited them from her uncle, I think, so they are just that – old. That’s how I got into The Beatles. But she bought these herself; this was music she liked enough to go out and buy a copy of. This feels like the most tangible piece of her I’ve ever had. I put the box down on the bedside table and hug Daphne, who looks like she might cry (I might, too).

“I think you might find something particularly comforting about this collection, Basil.” She says seriously, looking me in the eyes as though she’s trying to tell me something telepathically. Then she turns to leave, stopping at the door to wish us both a good night.

Simon has been doing a poor job of pretending that he’s not in the room where he can hear everything we’ve said, but I’m grateful that he tried. I take the lid off of the shoebox again and start rifling through it, pulling tapes out at random. It looks like a who’s who of the 70s, 80s and early 90s charts – Boyzone, Abba, Take That, Kirsty McCall, T. Rex… There’s all sorts in here. But, as I start pulling more and more cassettes out of the box, I start to notice something.

Queen, Elton John, David Bowie, Melissa Etheridge, Culture Club, George Michael, Frankie Goes To Hollywood… Is this what Daphne meant?

“Baz,” Simon says quietly behind me. “You’ve gone very quiet, are you ok?” He’s standing behind me but not close enough to touch me or look over my shoulder at the tapes. I realise then that there are tears on my face. I take a deep breath and wipe them away, turning to face Simon, though I keep my head down. I nod but he knows it’s a lie. “Baz, what is it? What’s wrong?” He steps in closer and takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to look him in the face.

I sniff and give a small laugh that’s mostly breath and at least part sob. “The box is full of my mother’s old cassette tapes,” I explain, gesturing to the box. Simon steps around me to look at the tapes.

“It was nice of Daphne to give them to you. I wonder how they’ve been missing this long,” he says, picking up tapes at random and turning them over to read the track listings on the back of each case.

“Snow, look at this pile,” I indicate the stack of tapes I’d made on the table, beside the lamp. Simon picks up each one in turn; he hasn’t seen what I did, though. I didn’t really expect him to.

“I’ve heard of some of these guys,” he says, looking at David Bowie’s The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars and Queen’s The Works. Simon Snow generally has terrible taste in music but it’s hard to not hear about some of the biggest acts in the history of the music business.

“Of course you have,” I say, not bothering to muster the sneer his musical ignorance deserves. “David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Elton John… they’re all musical geniuses. They redefined genres and pushed all sorts of boundaries. Freddie and Bowie are both gone now but they continue to inspire musicians to this day.” I can feel myself starting to monologue about this like the bad guys in those terrible superhero films Snow watches. I make an effort to stop myself going on.

Simon looks at me with a ridiculous, soft expression on his face like he’s indulging a child. “So your mum had a pretty good taste in music then?”

“It was OK,” I say, eyeing all the boy bands in the shoebox. “But that’s not the point. Do you know what all of these artists have in common?” I indicate the now scattered pile of tapes. Simon looks up at me, eyebrows furrowed, and shakes his head. I take another deep breath; I’m starting to cry again. “They’re all queer,” I say, my voice shaking.

“Oh,” Simon says quietly. “That’s good though, isn’t it? Your mum obviously didn’t hate queer people. Not enough to stop listening to their music, anyway. Not like all those idiots who tried to boycott Sainsbury’s after they had a gay couple in their advert.”

I wipe at my face again. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Baz-” Simon starts, putting a comforting hand on my upper arm. I don’t want to have this conversation right now; I need some time to make sense of it.

I cut him off, clearing my throat. “Look, Simon, I need to go and hunt, OK?”

“Uh, yeah. I’ll come with you,” he puts the tape he’s been holding back on the bedside table.

“Simon, no. Not tonight,” It comes out more pathetic sounding than I had intended and I think that’s why Simon relents so easily.

“OK,” he says, though he looks disappointed. I wonder if he’s thinking about the first time he kissed me, that night in the woods. In the fire.

“You go to bed, I won’t be long.” I try to make it clear that I’m not planning on starting any forest fires tonight. I leave before Snow can protest any more.

***

I take my time hunting, trying to sort through my thoughts. By the time I’m done (a badger and a fox) I still don’t know exactly how I feel. Daphne meant well, giving me those tapes, and I’m grateful for them. I can’t ever know for sure how my mother would have felt about me being gay, but Simon did have a point – she clearly didn’t hate gay people. She had to deliberately go out and buy those tapes. It’s one thing when it’s a celebrity you don’t know personally, though, and quite another when it’s your own family, your only son. I hear Fiona’s voice in my head, “we’ve got to make decisions for the living, you know?” I do. If Fiona gets her happy-ever-after with her scandalous marriage to a vampire… well, shouldn’t Simon and I get that, too?

When I get back to the barn, Simon is sitting on the bed looking at the tapes again. His hair is damp; he’s had a shower and changed into his pyjamas. He looks up at me. “OK?” he asks.

“Yeah, thanks. I thought you’d be asleep,” I say, taking my shoes off and going to sit next to him on the bed.

“I wanted to wait for you,” he mumbles, looking down at the box of cassettes on his lap. “You were upset when you left and-” he huffs out a breath and runs a hand through his damp curls, “I don’t know Baz. I don’t know what you need right now. You’re always there to solve things when I feel like this and now I don’t know what you need but I want to give it to you. I don’t want to be asleep on the job, you know?” He leans sideways so our shoulders touch and he rests his head against mine. Suddenly I feel lighter.

“Worried I was going to start another fire and you were going to have to rescue me with true love’s kiss again?” I say with a smirk, bumping my shoulder into his. He sits up and looks at me, exasperated by my sudden change in mood.

“You’re feeling better then,” he pokes me in the ribs; I knock my knee against his. “Oh, I found this in the drawer,” he reaches behind him and holds up an old portable cassette player; Daphne must have left it there. “I didn’t play any of the tapes though; I didn’t know if you’d want to.”

He hands me the tape player and I take it, looking at the buttons with their markings almost completely rubbed off from use. “Let’s play something,” I say. An odd sort of nervous energy runs through me. I know most of this music, but there’s another layer to it now; like my mother’s voice has been added to it. “You choose.”

Simon hands me the David Bowie album he was holding earlier, Ziggy Stardust; it hasn’t been rewound all the way. I put it in the tape player and press play. The opening notes of Starman play and I smile. Simon puts his arm around my waist and squeezes, I kiss his temple.

“Didn’t know what time it was, the lights were low oh oh...” Bowie sings.

Simon gets up off the bed and stands in front of me, holding out his hand, “c’mere Baz,” he says, grinning.

I raise an eyebrow at him but I take his hand and he pulls me upright. He keeps his hold on my left hand and puts his other arm around my waist, holding me there. I put my right hand on his shoulder, we’re not really moving – Snow can’t dance to save his life – but he sways us on the spot, still grinning at me.

“There’s a starman, waiting in the sky…”

I move my hand from his shoulder to the back of his head and kiss him, slowly at first and then deeply. I kiss him like he’s the first glass of water I’ve seen after weeks in the desert. “You’re such a beautiful idiot,” I tell him when I’m finished kissing him; he’s still grinning.

“He told us not to blow it…”

I step back from Snow and hold our still connected hands up over our heads. He takes the cue and spins clumsily underneath them, laughing. I catch his free hand in mine and dance with him the way you dance with children at parties. Snow’s skill is about the same. We’re both laughing.

“Let the children lose it, let the children use it, let all the children boogie…”

We dance like that for the rest of the song, me in my jeans and shirt, Simon in his pyjamas. Bare feet on the carpet. When the song ends Simon pulls me down onto the bed with him, we’re both still laughing. I reach over and stop the tape.

“Thank you Simon; this is just what I needed. I love you,” I tell him; sometimes I can’t stop myself from saying it. I’m not thinking about my mother, or Christmas dinner with my father, or anything else. I’m savouring what might be the best moment of my life; I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.

“I love you, too,” Simon says, leaning in to kiss me again. “And Baz, whatever you want to do tomorrow; whether you want to tell them or not, I’ll support you OK?”

“Thank you, Simon,” I whisper back. “Let’s go to bed love.”

[lost-words-left-unspoken]

I don't want advice or anything, I just want to say this.

There's this girl, I'll call her Swords (like the Tarot suit), and she is all I think about. Every tarot reading I do is about her. I've liked her for months now... since August. Admittedly not as long as the first crush I had, which was 3 years, but this is definitely just as strong as the end of that one.

I didn't even know I was gay until the Summer before college, when I developed a crush on someone else that I knew it would never work out with. But I had a crush on Swords too when I first met her. I didn't realize how much until she held my hand once. I had the feeling she liked me, and I have a habit of trying to play into people's attraction to me; however, everything that had pointed me in that direction was actually just how she interacts with people. So I got myself into a bit of a pickle there.

I kept thinking... I feel so drawn to her... I've never met someone like her... at first, I was like: she would be a good mallowfriend (for a queerplatonic relationship) and then things kept progressing... the more I hung out with her, the more I adored her. I realized I was sexually attracted to her (I thought I was fully asexual at the time) and romantically attracted to her.

We had a talk one night and we related so well on things we struggled with. But she said how she doesn't think she'd have a relationship for a while because of her mental health. How she's only dated toxic people. I felt so fucking sad, not just for the fact that there wasn't much of a chance of us dating, but the fact that she was feeling the way she was and how people fucked her over before. I wish I could show her a healthy relationship, but I'm honestly not entirely sure I'm capable of that either since I've never been in a relationship and I have my own mental health and trauma issues to work through.

So I'm just biding my time, I guess. I really like being her friend. She really is one of the best people I have ever met. She might leave next year, so maybe I'll tell her then. I just don't want to shorten the time I have with such a wonderful soul by telling her how I feel. I just know I wouldn't be able to recover from the rejection while seeing her face. Hearing her voice. It adds insult to injury that I'm not her type and she probably just sees me as someone to look after sometimes...

I invited her to a dance this Saturday as friends. she said she'll go, just that she'll be "fashionable late" since she is doing something else before. i wish i didn't specify it was as friends, i want to know what her reaction would've been. but i can't fuck this up. not with her.

maybe some day, in the future. i think we're compatible. maybe in our 20s or 30s or whatever. i don't think i ever want to move on.

thanks for letting me send you this

I'm not sure whether you wanted me to reply regardless or not, but I'm just here to wish you all the best on this journey and remember you have been, are, and always will be enough.

[imaginejamesandsirius]

hey! so, i love your work, literally im in love with your stories, i think I've read them all like 7 times. I don't know if you are ok with trans characters, but trans sirius comming out to james, (they are already dating) and james being kinda confused at first becouse, how is the relationship supposed to keep going? and at the end he is ok with it, angs and fluff please:))) sorry if i had any mistakes, English is not my first language:)

((A/N: Warning for some transphobia!!! James is trying his best but has a reaction that’s kind of transphobic because he’s never dated anyone that’s trans. He works through it during the fic, but if that’s something that might bother you, you might want to consider skipping this one))

"So," Sirius said. 

"So," James echoed. They'd agreed to talk about sex before trying anything. It sounded adult and healthy, and not like anything James had done before. Most of his relationships had started with sex. First time doing anything with a bloke had been because he sneaked out of school one night and found a queer pub. He'd been too young to be going, obviously, but he'd gotten his first kiss there. He hadn't been out to his parents by the time they passed, so his relationships had exclusively been late night encounters and illicit meetings-- not so illicit the older he got, but it had never been open until he started dating Sirius. "I'm- I mean, I'm pretty much up for anything. I've never been really picky. I'm... ready whenever you are, basically." 

"Right." Sirius chewed on his lip a little, turning that over in his head. "I should- erm, I guess I should tell you that I'm. Erm. I'm trans. So. Y'know. There's some things I won't be comfortable doing. And er. I know that's a deal-breaker for some people. If it is for you, you should tell me now." 

James blinked. "Oh. Er. I don't- er." 

Sirius looked a little crestfallen but tried to cover it. "Yeah. I kind of expected that. It's fine. I should- I guess I'm going to go." 

He started to stand, but James stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Don't- I mean- I just." He clamped his mouth shut so he didn't keep stuttering. He took a deep breath. "Can I think about it? I've only ever dated... I mean, you're pretty much the first person I've ever dated. And I've only ever shagged- well, people with dicks, you know?" 

Sirius nodded. 

James dropped his hand, and Sirius straightened the rest of the way. "I just need some time to think about it." 

"I can give you a couple days, but James... I'm not going to wait around forever. Either you're alright with it or you're not." 

"A couple days is fine," James hurried to say. "That's all I'll need. Thank you." James stood and gave him a quick kiss and flash a smile that was weakly returned-- he didn't want for Sirius to think that he didn't like him anymore. "I'll call you, alright?" 

Sirius gave a small nod, then he left. 

James threw himself onto the couch. He couldn't do this by himself. He was an utter dumbarse; he knew this. He needed outside help. Remus was trans so he'd be able to see Sirius's point of view on this, but James didn't want to inflict this conversation on him. Remus had another shite to deal with without having to walk James through his insecurities. That left Peter. Peter was probably the better choice since he was the one dating Remus. James reached out and grabbed his phone. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey Pete. I need some advice." 

"You're asking me for advice? Bloody hell, the sky must be falling. Alright. What is it?" 

James opened his mouth to say 'so Sirius is trans and I could use some advice since I'm bollocks at this dating thing and am only good at sex but it turns out that what I know isn't going to help me any' only to stop cold. He couldn't tell Peter that Sirius was trans. There were rules about this sort of shite. "Nevermind." 

"Okay-?" 

James hung up on him. He'd apologise later. Who the hell was he going to talk to? He couldn't talk to anyone that had met Sirius, but he still needed someone he was close enough with that he could talk about this sort of thing with them. He scrolled through his contact list. Lily. Bloody hell, that's right; Lily was back in the country. She'd gone to the States for a few years to study, and they were supposed to meet up for tea this weekend to catch up before she went back. He didn't want to wait until the weekend to talk about this though, so he hit call. 

"Hey James. Canceling on me?" 

"I wouldn't dare. I was hoping for some advice, actually." That she wouldn't have a chance to meet Sirius before she left made this better, because it wouldn't be retroactive outing or summat. 

"From me? This should be good." 

"Well- maybe advice isn't the right word. Someone to talk to? See, I've started dating someone, and he's trans." 

"Alright. And?" 

"And now I'm worried about sex." 

"A vagina isn't a buggering goblin, Potter." 

James rolled his eyes. "I'm well aware, thank you." 

"Then what's the problem?" 

"I don't know how to... do anything with those parts. Comparatively, penises are much easier to understand." 

"I'm sure they are, but you like this bloke don't you?" 

"'Course I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be worrying about this. Listen, Lils, I know this is kind of shitty. I like him and what he's got in his pants shouldn't effect that at all." 

"It shouldn't," Lily agreed. "Has it?" 

James frowned as he thought about it. "I don't think so." 

"Well you're not a total shit-head, that's a point in your direction. Listen mate, you're only going to work past this if you talk to your boyfriend about it. For all you know, he doesn't want you to touch him there, anyways. I can't give you catch-all advice for how to have sex with him because I don't know what he wants. Just- be honest. Open." 

"Tell him I need a fucking step-by-step for how to have sex?" 

"Yes," Lily said. Her tone was free of judgement. Straight and to the point. Yes, James needed to say that to him-- probably with those exact words. 

"That's embarrassing," James muttered. 

"How? It's not wrong to admit when you need help. Besides, it'll be less embarrassing for you to admit you don't know what you're doing than try to muddle through it and have someone get upset. Or hurt, depending on how badly you bugger up." 

"For fuck's sake, I'm not going to hurt him." 

"Maybe not intentionally, but if you don't talk to him, that might end up happening." 

"I hate it when you're right." 

"Do you? Me being right only helps you these days." 

"Yeah, yeah," James muttered. "Thanks for the help, Lils, I'll think about it." 

"Mmhmm." 

"I'll see you Saturday, yeah?" 

"Yep. Have a good time agonizing over this." 

"You're such an arse." 

"Yep," Lily said again. "You can agonize over that too, if it'll make you feel better. Good luck." 

They both hung up, and James sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be a problem. He knew he'd be able to get past it. The trouble was in getting his emotions to sort themselves out. He knew, with one hundred percent certainty, that in the end, this didn't really matter to him. But he couldn't get that through his fucking head. 

He didn't know what he was doing, here. He had no idea how to do normal relationships, and he'd thought that was as far as not-knowing-what-he-was-doing that he was going to get in this relationship. He'd figured that sex was going to be the part of this that he was actually good at. 

Fuck, that's what was tripping him up, wasn't it? It's not that Sirius was trans-- which, thank God, James didn't really want to be an asshole and Sirius definitely didn't deserve it from him-- it was that James had lost the only good thing he was bringing to this relationship. He couldn't guarantee Sirius a good time-- not at first, at least-- and now it felt like... nothing. It felt like he had nothing. Nothing to offer, nothing to give. Except for the mess of a person that he was, that is, but that wasn't exactly a high value. 

*

"I'm a mess," James said into his phone. He was laying down on the couch because it was easier to talk about the hard shit like that-- maybe those therapist couches had the right idea. 

"...Okay?" Sirius said. 

Yeah. Maybe not the best opening he'd ever had. "Wow, yeah, should've started differently. Sorry. Restarting," James declared. "Hi, Sirius, how are you?" 

"Fine?" 

"You don't sound too sure about that." 

"My boyfriend said he needed time to think about our relationship and then he calls me acting like maybe he's not alright. So... I am fine, but I'm not sure you are." 

James winced. He was buggering this up; was anyone surprised? "Right. Sorry. I'm fine, that's why I called. Or- I guess it would be more honest to say that I've realised I'm not fine but that's okay?" 

"...Er. Alright. How about you just say what you planned on and I'll figure out what you mean from there." 

"Right. So. Erm." He'd practiced saying this. Why did it have to be hard now? "You being trans? Totally not a problem. The er- problem is that I don't know what I'm doing." 

"Like in life?" 

"That too, but er, I was thinking more like with this relationship. I think I've told you before that you're the first person I've really dated." 

"Yeah, you mentioned." 

"Right, so when I figured out that I'm not going to be good at anything in this relationship, I sort of panicked. That's what that was. Also I told one of my friends you were trans because I needed advice, but she doesn't know who you are and you haven't met. I don't really know if that's alright or not but I wasn't getting anything done thinking on my own so I had to outsource- and wow now that I say it aloud that sounds really bad. I'm sorry." 

To his surprise, Sirius snorted, completely uncaring. "James, I'm glad you didn't out me unnecessarily, but you and your mates are pretty much the only people that don't know. When I told my parents, they sort of lost it and told... well, everyone in a fifty kilometre radius from our house. Believe me, you're fine. I was nervous about telling you because I was afraid you'd-. Well. Panic. Which you sort of did, but now it sounds like it wasn't about me." 

"It wasn't, rather. Do you know what it's like to have nothing to offer? I'm not used to filling that role." 

"I'm- I'm sorry," Sirius said, amusement filling his voice. "Did you just say that you have nothing to offer? Is that what you think is happening here?" 

"I mean. Yeah. I've met me. I'm a whole lot of fun to be around, but not good for the long term commitment shite." 

"Ooo is that where we're headed? Long term commitment? That sounds like it will be a beautiful disaster, between you and me. Mostly me. I find it absolutely hilarious that you think you are the only disaster in this relationship." 

"Hey, we're having an important relationship conversation over the phone because I was too bloody scared to have it in person. Clearly, I am the bigger disaster." 

"Oh James," Sirius sighed. "You have so much to learn." 

"Lily- oh, Lily, that's the friend that I called, you haven't met her because she's in the States most of the time these days-- she said I have to admit to you that you're going to have to teach me about sex since I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing with you." 

"Always a good thing to admit beforehand," Sirius said, and it didn't sound like he was mocking James. Not that James had really thought that he would, but it had been a concern in the back of his head. "Don't worry about it, we'll go nice and slow. As much as I would love to hop right into bed with you, past encounters have taught me to be cautious." 

"That doesn't sound like fun." 

"It wasn't," Sirius said honestly. "But I'm sure we'll be fine." 

"I'm glad you're confident about this, because I'm sure as fuck not." 

"Stop being so bloody pessimistic." 

"Yes dear." 

Sirius laughed. "Usual date night alright?" 

"Sure. You want to go out or are we ordering take-away?" 

"That's a whole day away; I don't know why you would think that I know." 

"Flying by the seat of our pants, then?" 

"As usual," Sirius agreed. "See you tomorrow." 

[sometimesrosy]

I am afraid of writing. I love writing, I've been doing it since I was.. 10? I'm about to be 24. I love it, I've had this huge story in my mind since I was 14 & I've tried writing it since then. The story is always chaging, it's obviously much more adult now, totally different from what it was. And yet, no matter how many drafts I've done since I was 14, I haven't finished a single one. I've never finished the 1st draft. I'm scared this will go on forever. I want to tell this story, why can't I?

This is one of the biggest secrets of writing, I think.

Writing is SCARY.

No matter how much experience you have. It’s SCARY. You might figure out coping skills to deal with the fear (and I think that’s why a lot of writers do turn to drugs and alcohol-- they’re self medicating the fear) but that doesn’t mean the fear goes away.

Because writing is like opening up your soul and putting it on the page for the world to see. Even if you don’t show them. 

I am, at this point in my life, educated up the wazoo, and actual teacher of writing and such, and have been writing for 35 years. I am a professional. I am ghostwriting for money, and that means I have to write to a strict schedule of at least 3k a day. 

When I’m on a roll, I can write 1200 to 1500 in a half hour. 

So that deadline sounds easy, doesn’t it? 

HA! No. I’ve learned I can trust myself to be able to reach it, true, but it’s hard EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I will spend almost an entire day getting the nerve up to write, until I can’t procrastinate anymore and end up bingewriting nonstop from 4-6 to get it done. 

I can write easily. SITTING DOWN TO WRITE? Not so easy. It’s ridiculous. I even know what I’m writing. It’s not hard. Two days ago I thought it was hard because I had to write about a sea rescue and I know nothing about sailing, storms, hypothermia or emergency protocols.  I struggle through it with lots of research to get over my fear and give me a solid base to write on. But then yesterday I finished and had to write romantic angst of a girl who was pining for her best friend who didn’t love her. (please understand i am very familiar with unrequited longing for your best friend, btdt. hated it.) But guess what? STILL TERRIFIED TO WRITE. Took me the same amount of time to get to the page.... but far less research. 

The trick about writing is not actually learning the rules of writing or storytelling or character development or what have you.

The trick about writing is to learn how to conquer the fear.

Maybe there are some people somewhere who are so sure of themselves that they never feel the fear or the insecurity or the pain of their history or the terrible demons in their heads that tell them they can’t do it... but I haven’t met them yet. 

When I was your age, I had a similar background. I’d been writing since I was 12, trying to write novels since I was 15 or so, and had not finished one thing. Now I didn’t have one story I’d been working on, but a million ideas, but still, nothing was ever finished. And I realized that I had to set myself the challenge of getting to the end of that book. I’d spent ten years or so learning how to write, now I had to belly up, face the fear, and WRITE IT. 

This was before the nanowrimo days, and three pages was a tremendous output for me. I set myself a schedule, and sat at my desk every day before work (I was a waitress then and started work in the afternoon, so I had time during the day... please note that I was a waitress specifically so I’d have time to write. it was a career choice i made then but it is by far not the only way to find time to write.) I wrote and kept track of my daily output to make sure I was keeping up with myself. I wrote at least one page a day. Sometimes as much as ten, (about 2500 words double spaced,) and by the end of the year, I’d written my first draft all the way to the end.

That book is still hidden in my trunk. BUT I finished it. And got to the end. And I didn’t do it by having a million ideas that I was afraid to commit to, but by sitting at the desk every day, and not giving up on it. 

I mean, finishing the first draft is not the end of finishing your novel either, but it’s the first step and you need to conquer it before you can get all the way done. 

One book I read that did help me is called Fearless Creating, by Eric Maisel. He talks about the various ways fear can get in the way of creating, and how there are different fears for different stages of the creative process. 

But whatever you do, if you want to write this story like you say you do, you have to face that fear down and write it anyway. Stop stalling. Stop looking for ways out or other things you have to focus on and apply butt to chair, and get writing. 

Whether you can only write 300 words a day (300x365=109,500 words=a novel) or can only write in the summers when you’re off of school, or are a weekend warrior who binges on saturdays and sundays, or have to get up at 6am to steal an hour of writing time before work, or you pound away at your computer before you go to sleep each night though you’re exhausted, or you turn cartoons for your toddlers so you can write, or you write while the dinner is in the oven, or you can only get the motivation up to do it during nanowrimo-- figure out what schedule/process/situation works for you and DO IT. 

Write even though you’re afraid, and sooner or later, you’ll have your novel done. Remember that your goal is DONE, not just writing without end, so you keep going for that The End. You can do it. 

find my writing stuff all collected here @rosy-writes

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

How do you have a conversation with your boyfriend about sex? I mean, we've been together for a month and it's been okay so far and the few times that I've seen him we've done some stuff but... I'm a virgin, and I really don't have experience with this situations (he's also my first real boyfriend). I'm seeing him again on Saturday and we've been kind of joking about all the things we're going to do. +

+ I kind of sent him a text that said "I'm going to let you touch me wherever you want to" but I'm now starting to think that perhaps he thinks we're going to do it? Which, to me, is nuts. I'm not ready for that just yet, besides my siblings will be here so...I don't know. It's not just about the sex stuff, but also the other stuff. Like, how do I tell him with what I'm comfortable with and with what I'm not? Specially since he makes me feel so insecure about what he really wants from me +

like a few months ago he was sweet and all but until the last time I saw him (and we kissed and stuff) he never payed me much attention (I know it sounds needy but honestly) he used to make me wait until 1 in the morning to talk, barely texted me all day and was kind of dry. And all of a sudden he's texting me several times a day, saying all this sweet stuff and talking to me whenever he can. +

+ I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt bc we just started dating, he has trouble expressing his feelings (was dealing with some depression) and I had already rejected him once before so I get the insecurities. But it still scares me a bit to think that he only wants me b  he wants to fuck me.

It sounds to me like there are two different issues going on, though they obviously overlap.

First of all, the sex talk: it’s really important that you learn to communicate your needs and boundaries. I know that it can be awkward and you might not have the vocabulary for that yet but it’s an important part of learning how to have sexual relationships to be able to talk about these things. If you’re too insecure to talk face-to-face about it then maybe on the phone or via text could be a compromise but personally I would recommend having these conversations when you’re able to see each other because body language is a very important communication tool here.

I would recommend that you text him something like “when you’re here on Saturday could we have a conversation about sex? I want to make sure we are on the same page about what we’re both comfortable doing at this point.” and then when he’s around you explain it to him like you explained it to me. That you are inexperienced and do not feel ready for sex at this point. And to avoid misunderstandings you should also try to explain to him what “sex” means for you. I have recently answered an ask about this that I recommend you read here. Essentially the question is: where’s your boundary? Is kissing and touching with clothes on okay? Would you be okay being naked while making out, as long as no penetration happens? Where do you draw the line? Try to find an answer for that for yourself and then express that to him. And ask him where his line is.

If he doesn’t respect your boundaries and tries to pressure you into doing things you do not want to then he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve you and you should really, really break up with him. But let’s hope it won’t come to that. There are plenty of guys who are totally cool and respectful and I hope he is one of those guys.

The other issue is that you seem to be suspicious about his communication behaviour. You say he didn’t message you much before and then suddenly he does. Well... I don’t know any more context but is it possible that he was very busy before and isn’t as busy anymore now? Or did it change when you got together? I don’t think it’s too suspicious that someone would start messaging more when you decide to officially be an item because then they can now let their feelings out and not have to hold back anymore.

But what I’m also getting out of your message that you seem to think he migh only say nice things to you to get you laid? From what you describe I wouldn’t confirm that suspicion but again: I do not know any more context. I don’t know if you are talking our of a lack of self-esteem or because you’ve internalised some bullshit about “all guys only want to fuck”. Or if there really is some truth in that here? I don’t know, I cannot tell you. But either way, going back to what I said above: communicate your boundaries and the way he reacts will show you if he’s worth your time or not. He’s got the choice to either respect you or not - and if he doesn’t then it’s byebye!

Maddie