#I might make a more in-depth post at a later date but this is what I'm doing for now because it's what I personally feel safe doing

[unbreakingthegirl]

There is a user orbiting radblr who perpetrated the long-term in-person psychological (as well as sexual) abuse of me and another detransitioned radblr user, who also perpetrated the abuse of FtMs in our real-life circle. I don't think her blog is widely followed, but this is Tumblr, so I have no way of knowing. I am concerned because she has a pattern of purposefully seeking out vulnerable populations and I don't want radblr to become another place for her to continue.

I'm not making this post to cause drama and do not want to start any kind of altercation with her. I am concerned about retaliation and because of that I don't feel comfortable as of now tagging her blog or mentioning her url publicly. Please message me or ask off anon where I will be willing to answer any questions anyone might have and share her information.

[from-the-clouds]

texas sun - joel miller x f!reader - vol. xiv

series masterlist | series playlist | writing masterlist | previous chapter | chapter summary: The final chapter pairing: joel miller x f!reader words: 9.2k (I love being insane) chapter warnings: SMUT (18+only) - unprotected sex. Insecurity/Jealousy. Angst/arguments. Discussions of death, blood and injuries. Alcohol & Marijuana use. Fluff. Bisexual reader (happy pride ya'll!). As always please dm for more specifics. a/n: This could probs use another round of proofreading but it would've delayed this even longer sooooo.... Here we go! I feel pretty emo right now and I might make a more in-depth post about my thoughts at a later date bc I just finished writing this in a hot daze so I can't put all my thoughts coherently together. But I just wanna say thank you to everyone who supported and gave love to this story. This is by far the most popular fic I've ever written, and I don't really know how? Or what I did to deserve all the love but I just want you to know how much I appreciate it. Thank you for sticking with me through all the angst and delayed updates and everything. I'll never forget you and I'll never forget Joel x Reader!! Thank you so much, I hope the finale lives up to your expectations! ❤️

**I DO NOT HAVE A TAGLIST. Please follow @ftcwriting and turn on notifs if you would like to be notified when I update my works :) **

I’m not the kind of man who tends to socialize I seem to lean on old familiar ways….

-May 16, 2024-

“Are you sure you’re okay if I leave you here alone?” 

Ethan’s voice jolts you out of a daze, and you blink your eyes open, realizing that you’d dozed off while sitting upright in a patio chair, the cheesy romance novel you’d been reading still lying open on your lap. Turning to look over your shoulder, you find him standing with one foot on the deck, and one foot still inside, cut in half by the sliding glass door.

Clearing your throat, you straighten up and nod. “Of course. I’ll be fine.”

Ethan studies you carefully, like he’s not entirely convinced. He’s been hesitant to leave you alone unless it’s absolutely necessary – only stepping away from the house to go on patrol shifts and to bring home meals from the mess hall. Recovery has made you feel like a burden to him – to all your friends in the community, really. Everyone….well, almost everyone, has been supportive, but you’ve never been comfortable being openly vulnerable.

Unfortunately, it’s too hard to deny the pain that you’ve been in since the accident, the trouble you have getting around, the exhaustion that clings no matter how many long naps and twelve-hour nights of sleep you get. According to the doctors, being so tired is just part of recovery – rest is important, but the concoction of pain medication you’ve been prescribed only makes your drowsiness and confusion worse. It had been a big deal that tonight you’d mustered the energy to drag yourself outside to sit in the fresh air. 

“I’m fine,” you assure Ethan, once again. “Have fun on your date.”

“It’s not really a date,” he says, almost a little too quickly. “We’re just hanging out.”

“Right,” you say, matter-of-factly. “Do I know who this person is?”

Ethan looks at his feet. “You remember the day this shit happened?” he asks, gesturing towards you. “Before you left on patrol, the girl that said hi to me? It’s her. Her name is Alex.”

“Oh?” you tilt your head, give him a small smile. “She was cute. How’d you ask her out?”

“Well,” he begins, scratching the back of his neck. “I may have…uh, gotten some advice.”

“You didn’t think to ask me?” you’re able to muster up a small smile.

“I would’ve, I just…..” he shakes his head. “It seemed stupid…with everything you have going on.”

“It’s not stupid,” you say, feeling a wave of guilt. Even though he’s the one looking after you, you haven’t spoken to him much about anything going on in his life. In fact, you haven’t really spoken to anyone in a long time, beyond thank you’s and blanket statements like I’m doing better. You feel disconnected, and more lonely than ever. If you ever get enough energy to leave your house, you expect most of the people in the community to have forgotten you exist. “Who’d you ask?”

“Uhm….” Ethan runs a hand through his long dark hair, shifts his weight. “….I’ve been assigned on patrol with Joel Miller a lot lately….so….”

You almost laugh when he uses Joel’s full name. Joel has been such a huge part of your life – sometimes the hero, sometimes the villain – that you don’t need to hear his last name to know who Ethan’s talking about. You could know a thousand Joel’s, and he’d still be the first person that came to mind. But Joel is still a sore subject, and Ethan knows it, which is why you suspect he’s avoided telling you this in the first place. You feel your eyebrows knit together, only able to let out an unenthused. “Oh.”

“I just, you know….he’s a guy. And it sounds like you even liked him at one point so….he must know something, right?” 

“That was a long time ago,” you say quickly, regardless of the fact that he’s right.

It’s probably not fair to blame Joel for everything that has happened to you. You know this, deep down. But you’ve been so helpless and isolated since you’ve woken up in that hospital bed that you’re desperate to find someone to hold accountable. And Joel hadn’t visited you in the hospital once. By this point, he’s abandoned you so many times that your resentment feels justified, even if your current state is not directly his fault. Because it was you, after all, who had walked into the path of those men, too angry to think clearly, too weak to take them down alone. The only person you can blame is yourself, and you really don’t want to.

“Did he tell you to take her out on patrol, make her cry, and almost get her killed?”

Ethan clicks his tongue, looks down, almost ashamed. “No. He did not.”

“You should be careful with Joel,” you warn.

“I was…” Ethan says. “But I don’t think it’s that simple. I think he’s actually alright.” 

“So you’re friends with him now,” you state, hoping he refutes. But instead, he looks up at you, frowns, and lifts his chin.

“What happened to you was horrible. It shouldn’t have happened. And yeah, maybe you think he’s the reason you almost died…. I don’t know the specifics so you can believe whatever you want. But I know that he’s the reason you’re still alive.” Ethan’s voice breaks, and you feel tears brimming your eyes before he continues. “He brought you back here, he donated his blood, he-”

“What?” you cut him off.

“What do you mean, what?” Ethan asks. “He was the only person there who had your blood type. You would’ve died if he didn’t. They didn’t tell you this?” 

“Whatever it took to make him feel less guilty, sounds like,” you say, dismissively.

Something hot burns in your veins, something that must have always been there since you woke up, but you’re only feeling it now. It’s unsettling, Joel being a part of you that way. Your lives had already seemed intertwined enough already. But now, he’s inescapable.

“Well, he stayed by your side every night while you were asleep. Fuck, I mean, he was probably there just as often as I was. He made sure I ate, and slept and showered and… and he never once asked for anything in return. He cares about you as much as I do, clearly, so I don’t think it’s wrong to think he’s a good guy….”

You must not care about me that much, you want to say, but you stop yourself. Because it’s not true, and you’d only be saying it to hurt him. You have nothing to defend yourself with, no way to convince him otherwise, and so you just stare at him until he shakes his head and slips back inside.

Ethan is stubborn, he always has been. And it’s a special kind of stubbornness, fueled by anger – so common in most of the young people you meet these days. You understand why they’re all like this. When you’re robbed of your childhood – you get stuck there….waiting….. Like someday you’ll have a chance to do it all over again, regardless of how obvious it is that you won’t. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-May 25, 2024-

Things get better, albeit slowly. You begin to wean off the pain medication, which makes you more alert. It’s still difficult to leave your house, but you can move around it more easily, and you don’t spend all your days sleeping. Luckily, you aren’t as stir-crazy as you’d been expecting. 

One afternoon, Ellie Williams shows up on your doorstep with a bag full of groceries. 

“Maria wanted me to bring these to you,” she says when you open the door. “She told me to tell you she’ll be over tomorrow, but she wanted me to give you these to tide you over.”

“That’s very nice. Thank you for bringing them to me,” you try to take the bag from her hands, but she steps back just a little, like she’s unsure if you should be carrying anything. You let your hands drop to your sides. “Would you like to come in?” 

Ellie hesitates for a split second, adjusting the bag in her arms, and then nods. “Sure.” 

Stepping to the side, you allow her into the home. Because of how warm it is outside, you’ve opened all the windows to let the breeze through. 

“Sorry for the mess,” you say, Ellie following you into the living room. There are stacks of books and pill bottles with instructions scattered on your countertop. You haven’t swept the floors in awhile and all the hard surfaces are covered in a thin layer of dust. It’s not really that bad, but you don’t have the energy or strength to be on your feet for long – let alone to clean the house. 

“I don’t mind,” Ellie says. “It’s not even that bad. I don’t know why older people worry about leaving your house messy and shit….no offense.”

“There was a time it used to matter,” you tell her. “And I see where you’re coming from, but my thing is – if you’re going to live somewhere, you should do what you can to make yourself feel comfortable.” 

Ellie purses her lips, as if you’ve made a good point but she doesn’t know how to answer. Instead, you continue. “Can I get you anything? Water?” 

“No, I’m okay,” she puts the bag on your kitchen counter.

“You can sit if you’d like,” you tell her. “I just need a moment to put these away.”

When you walk into your living room a few minutes later, she’s hovering near your record player, looking through the vinyls. The turntable was already in the house when you’d arrived years ago, but it was buried in the closet and broken. Ethan had managed to fix it after a little troubleshooting and scavenging for parts. Now, you both were always looking for records to bring home, and had amassed quite the eclectic collection – jazz, funk, hip-hop, and everything in between. 

“Wow,” Ellie says, running her fingers along the shelved records. “You found all these?”

“Some of them were already here. But yeah. Ethan and I are always on the lookout on patrol. I can play you something. What do you like?”

“Eighties, I think,” she says. “But…I also haven’t heard as much.” 

“Well here,” you thumb through the records, pull out a worn copy of Speaking In Tongues. “How about some Talking Heads?” 

You pass the record over to her, and she stares at you blankly. It’s only then that you realize — she’s never used a record player before. There’s a familiar pang of sadness before you show her how. 

“Are you feeling better?” Ellie eyes you wearily once the music starts, and you settle onto the couch, feeling a little worn out after being on your feet.

“Yes,” you say. “I’m older now, so it seems like healing takes a lot more time.”

Ellie nods, then bobs her head to the music a little. “This is better than most of the stuff Joel likes.” 

“Oh yeah,” you smirk, and instinctually, you recall his enthusiasm for all things old-school country. “I remember that,” you say softly.

With so much time on your hands lately, you’ve found yourself thinking of Joel a lot, reminiscing on the time you’d spent with him and Sarah. What Ethan had told you about him staying by your side was definitely making you reconsider your assessment of him, even if you were still hesitant. It was probably a trap to think you’d ever be able to feel those things with him again, but if remembering them brought you comfort, you weren’t going to resist it. 

“You’re more than welcome to come over to listen anytime,” you offer, and she nods excitedly. 

Ellie stays for longer than you expect. You talk a fair bit. She tells you about what she’s learning in school – but mostly how ‘fucking useless’ it is. She wanders around your living room and pokes through your stuff without asking, but you don’t think to stop her – you just answer her questions and let her be curious.

Eventually, the sun dips below the horizon, and she excuses herself to go home, insisting that Joel will ‘fucking kill her’ if she’s out too late. Even though you’re exhausted after entertaining her for a few hours, you find it feels nice. Being on house arrest, essentially, had left your starved for connection outside Maria and Ethan.

You see her out the door before returning to your refrigerator to look for something to eat. Ethan will be back from patrol any minute, so it may be nice to make him something even if you have almost no energy.

But when there’s another knock on your front door, you’re shocked to see who you find staring on your porch. 

Joel.

You almost forget to speak at the sight of him. It’s been weeks since your accident and he might as well have moved away from Jackson since you hadn’t seen him at all. 

“Hey,” you say, tentatively, taking him in. He seems preoccupied – cheeks flushed, hair rumpled, and out of breath, like he had run all the way to get here.

“Have you seen Ellie?” he asks, not even greeting you in return. “I’ve looked everywhere and I-

“You just missed her,” you cut him off, not because you’re trying to dismiss him, but because he's clearly distressed. “I’m surprised you didn’t see her on your way over.”

Joel sighs, eyes closing in relief. “Thank God.” For a second, you glimpse the frazzled and overworked father you used to know. “She stayed out too late, had me worried sick.” 

“She’s fine,” you say. “Although she did say you might kill her if she didn’t get home soon.” 

Joel gives you an almost imperceptible smile, but seems mostly irritated by Ellie’s suggestion. “I would do no such thing.” He shakes his head and takes two steps backwards. “Thank you. Didn’t mean to be a bother.” 

Your mind floats to a memory of Joel on your front porch, late getting home from work and looking for Sarah, and you can’t help but feel a bit of sadness and longing for a simpler time, a surge of affection. 

Joel is halfway down your front porch steps when you speak again. “You aren’t bothering me.”

He pauses, turns to look over his shoulder. There’s something he wants to say, you can feel it, and you step outside, letting the door fall shut behind you and remaining huddled against the siding, and he turns to face you fully, sighing. “I’ve been meaning to stop by, actually….” 

“Oh…really?” you can’t keep the surprise from your voice, and he notices.

“Yeah,” Joel rubs his fingers together, a nervous habit of his you know all too well. “Yeah. I- well, I wanted to apologize to you.”

You’re so startled by the words you can’t answer right away. But the split second of hesitation causes Joel to continue, looking to fill the empty space. 

“I’ve been waiting to find the right thing to say….but it doesn’t seem like that’ll ever happen. I’m not even sure I know where to start.” 

“Oh,” is all you can manage, still taken aback. The only thing that doesn’t surprise you about his admission is the sincerity. You could say a lot of things about Joel, but he isn’t a liar. He always tells the truth. Maybe it’s why he pulled away from you to begin with. It’s easier than the alternative – spending time with you, which would force him to be honest. For how much you’ve changed, you’d probably do the same. 

But the thing with Joel is that you’re exhausted. You’re tired of the back and forth, of the push and pull, of the constant struggle to hold your care over each other's head, hoping the other will break first. Maybe this is a fresh start. 

You step closer to him, and you see him study the way you move. Of course, you’re trying to look strong, but he can surely sense the weakness. He’d always been good at that, better than any of the others. Your hand comes to rest on the porch railing for support. 

But…..

There’s that voice in the back of your head, the one that tells you this is a mistake. The one that reminds of the pain you’ve often earned through vulnerability. It likes to think it’s served you, protected you, and it has. But it’s not always right.

“I suppose I owe you an apology, too,” you say. “At the very least I should thank you for what you did.”

Joel shakes his head, dismissively, but looks to where your hand rests on the porch railing, looks back up to you as he reaches out. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

His hand clasps over yours, and to anyone else, this might be nothing. It’s so innocent, unassuming. But the effect it has on you is palpable. He squeezes once, and you flip your hand over, squeezing his back, giving him a gentle smile. “I am too.” 

Joel’s eyes fill with a warmth you haven’t seen in twenty years, and your stomach flutters, your heart races. A part of yourself that you’d considered long dead seems to rouse.“Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“I told Ellie we’d go to the mess hall together,” Joel says. “Otherwise I would.”

You blink once, and Joel sees it, immediately continuing on. “But maybe Ellie and I can come another time, join you and Ethan?”

“Yeah. He’d like that,” you say. “That might be nice.” ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-June 20, 2024-

You think that at the end of a long winter, bears must hate coming out of hibernation. 

It must suck. They spend months sleeping, doing almost nothing, and then suddenly they’re forced to function again – to hunt, to eat, to roam, to survive and socialize. You imagine there has to be a learning curve, a desire to crawl back into their den and never leave again. 

Or maybe you could be wrong, and they love it. And you’re just a wimp who hates feeling uncomfortable.

All you know is that you’re huddled in the back corner of the Tipsy Bison, nursing a whiskey – and it’s the last place you want to be. 

You’re overwhelmed. 

And despite the fact that you regularly used to attend community events, it’s been so long since you've been out in Jackson that you feel like you don’t belong. To some extent, you’ve always felt this – too hardened by the outside world to fully assimilate, especially when the town throws dances. But in the past, you at least attempted to convince yourself otherwise. 

Two weeks back, the doctors had cleared you to go about your daily activities as normal  – within reason, of course – but you hadn’t exactly jumped at the opportunity. Tonight, Ethan had accused you of becoming ‘antisocial’ and ‘reclusive’. You had agreed to attend – but only to beat those allegations. So far, you are definitely not. 

You scan the crowd, taking in the people spinning around the dance floor. Some of the women are wearing dresses. You can’t help but feel a little envious of how easily they’re able to perform femininity, which is something you’d given up on a while ago. It hadn’t exactly served you before arriving in Jackson, and you predict it would be humiliating to start trying now. After all the things you’d experienced, you were left marred with scars and wrinkles, stretch marks and loose skin. Since then, you’ve remained loyal to the combination of men’s denim and tank tops with flannel-button downs overtop. 

It doesn’t always stop the men in the community from descending like vultures. You might be the last pick – there are plenty others who are younger and prettier – but you’re still an option. Bea, your old partner, had always theorized that some men were particularly drawn to sapphic women, that it was ‘the ultimate challenge’. Maybe there is some truth to her theory, but you like men….sometimes. So there is always a part of you that yearns for their validation, for as many times as you tell yourself you don’t want it. But it never feels good to get it after you’ve watched them exhaust all their other options.

It’s pathetic, but it makes you think of Joel. He and Ellie had been over to yours and Ethans last week for a nice dinner, and you had tried to gauge whether there was any romantic connection between you still. Occasionally, you’d caught him looking at you with a wistful smile, but he could have been lost in thought. It’s not like you needed that from him or anything, but it might be useful information. After all this time, Joel is still so handsome, and probably has an impressive selection of potential partners here in Jackson – women of all ages. You hope he’s not here tonight – you can’t see much besides the dance floor at this point – because the thought of him cozied up to anyone here, combined with the acrid taste of the drink in your hand, makes you want to gag. 

You take another look around the room. Eugene, your partner in crime – quite literally – is walking towards you, which helps quell your spiraling mind . If you talk to him, say hello to Tommy and Maria, maybe Ethan will see the effort you’re making and you can sneak out without having to deal with anyone. It’s wishful thinking, but it’s worth a shot. The sooner you can get home tonight, the better.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Joel can’t stop staring. 

He knows it’s impolite. He knows that he’s not being subtle. He knows that if any other person in this bar followed his eyeline, they’d pick up on what he was doing in an instant. But every minute he doesn’t get called out for it, he becomes more and more emboldened. 

It’s the first dance he’s ever been to in Jackson, and the only reason he’s here is to placate Ellie and Tommy. But even they have abandoned him in favor of better companions – his brother is deep in conversation with Maria, sitting across from him in a booth, and Ellie is out on the dance floor dancing with one of her new friends, Dina.

Joel just can’t help himself. He still feels guilty for what he’s done, but he can’t shake the feeling of a soft hand clasped within his own – the first time he’d felt any semblance of hope since arriving here. Tommy and Maria had already slyly let him know about all the women who were interested, but he couldn’t bring himself to entertain their advances. There’s only one he wants, and she won’t even look in his direction.

When he’d first noticed you, you were whispering with Eugene on the opposite side of the dance floor. According to Tommy, you spend a fair bit of your time with the old man, which Joel initially thought to mean that you had some sort of entanglement. At first, Joel thought that couldn’t be possible. But you were deep in focus as you listened to Eugene’s words, nodding and leaning in closer and closer, and Joel thinks Tommy might be right. He wants to understand what you see in this man – tall and unkempt, covered in tattoos with long, graying hair and a beard to match. But Joel catches himself in his judgment, he’s probably just as unappealing – not just because of how he’s aged, but because of how horrible he’s been to you in general. 

The next time Joel sees you, you’re at the bar, chatting with a man who Maria had introduced him to not long ago, a resident who is new in town. Joel had been too busy focusing on the fact that he’d been in Jackson long enough to not be its newest resident that he couldn’t remember his name. He wishes he had, so he could keep tabs on him. Of course, he can’t blame the man for being drawn to you – Joel knows very well that you’re hard to miss in a crowd. 

Still, Joel bristles when you both step away from the bar, and the man’s hand lands just above your sacrum. He actually finds himself tensing up, resisting the urge to intervene, because it’d likely only make you angry. Plus, maybe you are interested. That question is answered quickly when you reach behind your to clasp the man's hand and place it back at his side. Where it belongs, he thinks.

“Joel!”

He snaps his attention to what’s in front of him – interrupted, and probably for good measure, lest he get himself too worked up. Ethan approaches with a girl his age, her arm linked through his. Joel stands to greet them. 

The terse understanding between himself and Ethan while you were still in the hospital had somehow turned into a friendship, especially after they’d begun getting paired up on patrol. Ethan reaches out for Joel’s hand to dap him up, slinging an arm briefly over his shoulder.

“How’s it going, kid?” 

“Good, good,” Ethan nods, pulling back, and gestures to the girl next to him. “Joel, this is Alex.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says. “Ethan’s told me all about you.” 

“Really?” Joel asks, feeling a little bewildered. 

“Only good things,” Alex says quickly, as if she senses his apprehension. Ethan puts his arm around her waist. Joel recalls a few weeks back when he’d asked for advice on how to ask out a girl. Joel hadn’t pried at the time, but now he seems to understand, and is surprised by the swell of pride he feels. “Ethan says you’re a fucking badass,”she giggles after she swears.

Joel looks over at Ethan. “I don’t know about that.” 

He shrugs, changes the subject. “Since when do you come to these things?” Ethan asks.

“Ellie dragged me out,” Joel answers.

“I did the same with my aunt,” Ethan chuckles. “But now I can’t find her, and I’m pretty sure she’s escaped.”

“Oh, is she here?” Joel plays dumb, like he hasn’t been aware of exactly where you have been all night. “I haven’t seen her.”

“I think she was with Eugene earlier,” Alex has to stand on her toes to speak into Ethan’s ear. Joel watches Ethan’s nose wrinkle. 

“Do you know Eugene at all?” Ethan turns to Joel. “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on there, but she won’t say anything.” 

Joel wishes that he had more information. “Tommy says they seem close.”

“I know that,” Ethan says. “I wish she would just be honest with me. It’s not like I would be mad. Whatever,” he shakes his head. “We can talk about it another time. I just want to find her so I can introduce her to Alex.”

“We should say hi to Tommy and Maria first,” Alex says, and Ethan nods in agreement before saying goodbye to him. Joel claps a hand on Ethan’s shoulder as he moves past him, and Alex gives him a shy smile in acknowledgement. 

Focusing back on the crowd, Joel realizes that you’ve vanished in the short span of his last interaction. Maybe you’d rejected that guy, and then he’d retaliated. Maybe you’d gone home with Eugene. Joel shakes his hand. It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to get involved. It’s not his job to look after you, regardless of how much better he feels when he does. Old instincts. He can’t help himself.

He settles on watching Ellie and Dina spin each other around on the dance floor. Eventually, Tommy and Maria, then Ethan and Alex all trickle out of the booth to go get another round or head to dance. Joel stands to release the booth to someone who actually needs it – and is left in the corner, nursing a nearly empty beer that’s now flat and warm. He looks towards his family and friends, but for some reason, he still feels alone. 

Joel isn’t sure how long he stands sulking, but he starts when someone approaches from behind.

“Having fun?”

You’re a pace or two back, one thumb hooked through a belt loop, a whiskey in your opposite hand. Joel looks back at the crowd a moment, then at the ground. “No.” 

“Neither am I,” you commiserate, stepping alongside him. 

Joel considers offering that Ethan was looking for you, but selfishly does not want to give you a reason to leave, so he stays quiet. You observe the dance floor like he is, smiling slightly at the sight of Ethan and Alex dancing. The flannel you’re wearing over a gray tank hangs loosely off one shoulder, and Joel wants to reach out and touch the exposed skin. You take your last sip of whiskey, bring a finger to swipe under your bottom lip, and Joel wishes he knew what you might taste like right now. He scolds himself for fantasizing.

You don’t speak either, and you stand in silence for a while, until you eventually pop your hip, shifting closer to him. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you’re already standing so close that your arm gets pressed up against his. Neither of you acknowledge the contact, but Joel is acutely aware of how your skin burns hot against his own. He feels comforted by the affection, even if it’s unintentional.

“Want to leave?” Joel asks, and can hardly believe that the words came out of his mouth, even if he wanted them to. 

You look over at him, not bothering to hide your surprise, but your expression evens out quickly, and you give him a single nod. “Yeah.” 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Joel’s still not convinced this is real. It feels too much like a dream, the weather outside is so pleasantly warm it feels like he’s floating as you walk down the street. He had never expected you to agree to leave with him, and now he doesn’t know what to do, or what to say.

The greater distance you put between yourselves and the bar, the quieter the town is. Most of Jackson’s residents are at the dance, save for the guards at the front gate and the handful of people that had been mingling just outside.

He heads in the general direction of the neighborhood, even though he lives on a different street. 

“What are we supposed to do now?” you wonder out loud, and you sound a little incredulous, like you’re equally as shocked to find yourself beside him. The question carries a bit more weight than it would have coming from anyone else.

Joel contemplates. He’s not sure what he wants from you – there are a lot of things, actually – but he doesn’t know if he really deserves any of them. For now, your companionship is more than enough.

“You’re welcome to come back to mine,” he offers.  “But if you’re looking to keep drinking, all the booze is back at the bar.”

“I’m good.” You shake your head like you’re uninterested, but look over at him with a sparkle in your eye. “I have something better….” 

You reach into the pocket of your flannel and produce a rolled joint between two fingers, looking over your shoulder. “Those dances are usually terrible, so I always come prepared.” 

Joel can’t help the chuckle that escapes him, and the sheepish grin he gets in return makes his cheeks feel warm. “Where’d you even get that?”

“You’ve never been on patrol with Eugene, have you?” you ask. “He has a place just out of town where he grows it. I’ve been helping him since we first got paired up, and in exchange, I get to sample the supply.”  

Of course. Joel would’ve never imagined that was the reason you were so close with Eugene, but it suddenly makes incredible sense. He shakes his head in a combination of relief and amusement. “You really haven’t changed.” 

“Oh, I’m sure I have,” you answer, smiling to yourself and looking at the ground. “But of course I haven’t shaken all my bad habits.”

“That’s not true,” Joel mutters.

“Well, you haven’t changed either, for as much as you’ve tried to convince me,” you nudge him gently, offering him the joint. “What do you think?” 

Joel plucks it from between your fingers and puts it between his lips. “I think I have a lighter at home.”

“Sounds perfect.” 

In the front hallway of his house, you slip out of your tennis shoes, shuffling behind him in your socks, pausing occasionally to study some of the doodles that Ellie had drawn and hung on the walls – it wasn’t exactly a priority to decorate these days, but they certainly livened up the place. He knows how much Ellie likes you, despite the fact that she doesn’t gush, but the odd comment here and there says as much. Joel remembers how difficult it had been to keep Sarah away, and Ellie now is no different. He doesn’t seem to be able to help himself, either. 

You sit next to Joel on his wicker couch, curling your feet up under you as he lights the joint and study him while he takes the first few puffs. He does it without thinking. That’s how soft Jackson has made him. Normally, he’d be too stressed about being out of his wits. But he can’t see how hypervigilance has served him since settling down. He feels safe here, and somehow especially because he’s with you. 

When he passes the joint your way, you look at him wistfully. “Old times,” you say with a grin. 

Joel nods as he exhales, coughing. “Old times.” 

“Oh yeah,” you say, as if you just remembered something. “You can’t tell Ethan about this. He doesn’t know, and he will give me shit about it. I need him to take me seriously.” 

Joel shakes his head. “Well, you know, it sounds like he and Tommy both think you and Eugene are together.”

“What?” your head jerks forward in shock, eyes going wide. “Oh my god, no. Do people think that?”

“I’m just sayin’,” Joel wants to mention how he had seen you whispering to each other at the bar earlier, but then realizes it’d give a bit too much away. “That’s what they think.”

“Well....historically speaking I might’ve liked older men…. but not that old.”

Joel purses his lips. “You’ve lived here awhile, huh?” When you nod, he continues. “Has no one caught your eye?” 

“Uhm….not really. But….” you trail off, looking into Joel’s backyard. “To be completely honest, I  don't think about that much these days. I guess I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for. I don’t want to push it.”

Joel understands, and nods pensively.

“What about you?” you ask. 

“I guess I feel the same.”

That causes you to smile a little bit, look over at him. “I bet you already know this. But the women here would line up down the block for you.”

Joel can’t help but roll his eyes, though he wonders if you would, too. Even if you did like him, that didn’t seem like your style. 

“I’m serious. I’ve heard the things they whisper behind your back. All their fantasies about you are pretty creative...”

“Fantasies?” He grimaces. He imagines none of them know anything about who he really is. You’re the closest thing, and all he’s done is hurt you. “I’m sure you were quick to set them straight.” 

“I don’t say anything,” you say, then continue on, a little quieter, looking at him from under your lashes. “I like to keep you to myself.” 

Joel isn’t sure how to respond to that. You have every right to tell all of them that you were once together, and all the ways he’s hurt you since. Yet for some reason, you’ve chosen to protect him. 

“So….all this time….” you wonder. “You had to have been with other people, right?”

Joel doesn’t think to hold back. “I had a partner for a long time. Tess. First, it was all business, I helped her smuggle things in and out of the Boston QZ…and then, I don’t know….we got along, we trusted each other and…” Joel trails off, hoping you’d put together the rest before he has to go into too much detail. “She was real fuckin’ tough. Scared me a little at first. You would’ve liked her.”

“Well, we already have one thing in common. What happened?”

“She’s the whole reason I ended up out here….with Ellie,” Joel explains. “But I lost her a little over a year ago.”

He hopes you don’t ask how. Maybe someday he’d be willing to go into detail, but talking about it generally is hard enough as it is. But fortunately, you seem to pick up on his hesitance. “I’m sorry, Joel,” you say softly.

He shakes his head. “I was an asshole. To her. I should've....after Sarah died I didn’t want to get attached, so I kept her at arms length and I... I wished I hadn’t in the end. It only made things worse.”

“Yeah,” you nod, look down. “I’ve made that mistake before.”

Joel doesn’t want to linger any longer on the memory. “What about you? Were you with anyone?”

“Uhm, yeah,” you fidget, looking uncomfortable. “I had a partner….for like ten years."

Ten years? He had been with Tess for more, but something about that information feels jarring. He’s shocked Tommy never told him this. Did Tommy even know? Suddenly, it dawns on Joel everything that could’ve happened to you since you’ve been apart. Entire lifetimes. And he’d said such horrible things when you’d fought. He remembers your face when he’d told you that you didn’t know what it was like to lose a child. Maybe you had. He’d been so cruel and inconsiderate just because he was uncomfortable. 

His throat feels tight, almost scared to learn anymore. “What…what was his name?”

“Well, Bea….was her name.” 

Joel is sure he doesn't hide the shock well. “Sorry, I didn’t know…”

“Yeah,” you say. “I don’t think I did either. Well, I sort of did, but I was too young I think when I first realized to make any sense of it, but…. I met her and…yeah,” then, you smirk. “I mean, I went to an all-girls school and I had a really bad relationship with my dad so…it definitely makes sense. ” 

Joel considers this, smiles along with you. “But anyways. Her and I met shortly after my brother died and it was kind of the same. We kept each other alive, things developed from there. We ended up getting involved with this group who lived in the middle of nowhere. That’s a whole other story, but…” you wave your hand. “I loved her, and I lost her right before Ethan and I got here.” 

Joel sees all the pain in your eyes, and wishes he could say something to take it all away. He knows he can’t. You look back out into the woods in his backyard, take a deep breath, and reach back towards the joint that you had put out not long before, lighting it again. Joel gets the sense that both of you had done the most amount of sharing possible for the time being. 

“Look at us,” you take another drag before passing it over. “Old times.”

“Old times,” he repeats, a smile working its way onto his face. 

“This used to be my favorite thing to do with you.” 

“It was nice,” Joel agrees….hesitates before continuing. “But I can think of some things I liked better.” He gives you a knowing look, and you roll your eyes, laughing easily at his joke. It feels so good to make you laugh, to see you smile. Why had he spent so much time resisting?

“Touche.” 

What happens next spills out of Joel so quickly he doesn’t think to stop it. “I tried to look for you….after all this happened. I didn’t have Sarah anymore, and I thought maybe….I don’t know. It was the only thing that kept me going for a while.”

“I did too,” you confess. “But…I was with Vincent and Ethan, and I felt like I couldn’t leave them alone for something that might just be…. I always hoped you both made it. And I’m so sorry she’s gone. I really did love her.” 

“I know you did,” Joel reaches out to take your hand. “I know. And I shouldn’t have said those things I did. I’m still not sure why you’ve been so patient with me.”

“Hmm,” you shift so that you’re closer to him. “You waited around for me back then. It’s only fair that I’d wait around for you now. I want you in my life. I don’t care what that looks like. But it’s too hard to forget about a person that you loved.” 

Joel wants as much from you as you’re willing to give, and he can’t tear his gaze away from you. But he wants you to see him, all of him, before he takes it. 

“I’ve let a lot of people down. I’ve done a lot of h-horrible things,” his voice cracks, and tears well in his eyes. 

“I have, too, you know? Those things still live with me. But I think what matters is who we are now,” you reach out, fingertips brushing the scar on his temple, and Joel swears that even if you don’t know the story behind it, you can see right through him. “And I know who you are.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.” 

“You won’t,” you say. “No more than anyone else has. And if it makes you feel better…when people hurt me, I’ve gotten pretty good at hurting them back.” 

“If I do, I’d hope you would.”

“I will. I promise,” your thumb strokes his cheek, marveling at him. “I would suggest a blood oath or something but….I heard we kind of already did that…”

He’s given you every warning, every barrier, and you’re still here. He can’t believe it, and he doesn’t think he can hold back any longer. “Come here.”

He kisses you. He wishes that he could be slow and tender and gentle like he used to be – and certainly he’s still capable, but he realizes that he’s been depriving himself of something he wanted for so long, and can’t seem to control himself. 

Your hands land on the side of his face, and he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you onto his lap. Maybe you’re somewhat taken aback by his urgency, you hum against his lips, but you don’t resist at all. Joel maneuvers you so you’re straddling his thighs, and he grips your hips, your ass, coasts his hands up your side. Your lips part in a moan, and he slips his tongue into your mouth. 

For a while, he stays there, savors the taste of you, whiskey and smoke still lingering on your lips. His hands cup your jaw, feel your body, grip and squeeze and stroke and you let him, continue to let him. He tries everything, wondering if you’ll tell him to stop, if you’ll decide you’ve had too much, but you don’t. Then again, he should know by now that you’re a woman who knows what she wants. He just finds it’s hard to believe that he’s the thing you want.

You break away from him, just a little, and Joel presses his nose to your neck, kisses your pulse point. 

“Should we go upstairs?” your voice is raspy and breathless. “Will Ellie be home soon?” 

“Probably not for a while. We can be quick.”

“Hopefully not too quick,” you raise your eyebrows. Joel can’t help but laugh a little. He relishes in the way your hands rake up and down his arms, exploring him, touching him. Of course he wants you, but even just this would be enough. He’d be content with less, he hadn’t realized how starved of affection he’d been.

You’re able to pry yourselves off one another to make it up the stairs, and Joel guides you with a hand to the small of your back. When you get to his bedroom, he opens the door, but stops you before you go inside. 

“Hold on,” Joel mutters, winding one arm around your waist, the other behind your knee.

“Joel, what-no, you’ll–” he pulls you into his arms. 

“Do you really think I’m not strong enough?”

“I didn’t say that,” you chuckle as he carries you over the threshold and into the bedroom, breath puffing against him before he lays you down on the bed. 

When he hovers over you, your fingers wind into his hair, nails raking against his scalp. He savors every sweet sigh he’s able to pull from you, hands cupping your breasts and squeezing your hips. You’re so pliant and open beneath his body, it makes it easier to not feel guilty about what he’s doing. He knows he shouldn’t feel guilty, you’ve said as much, but it might take some time before the feeling will die completely. Hopefully, he has enough time with you to see it off completely.

Clothes are removed quickly, intentionally, as you both bare more and more of yourself to each other. And while he wishes he could’ve been there to see the ways in which your body has changed, you’re still as beautiful as ever. 

Joel, however, is hesitant to give himself away completely. When you tug at the hem of his shirt, he hesitates. 

“I don’t know if-” he pauses. “If you want to see all that.”

“Joel,” you stare at him knowingly, kneeling across from him as he stands at the edge of the bed. “I do.” 

So he releases your hand, and lets you pull it over his head. Carefully, you study him, his body littered with scars. He knows he’s not as in shape as you remember. These days, he hardly can look at himself in the mirror after a shower. He expects you to be disgusted, or at least see it flit across your face before you compose yourself, but you don’t. Your fingertips drag through the smattering of hair on his chest and down his torso, tracing several prominent scars – each one with a story – but you linger on the one at his abdomen, frowning. 

He sees the question on your face, but you don’t ask it. Instead, you return to press yourself against him. “I’m so glad you’re still here….”

You kiss him, then, and Joel can only kiss you back. 

Joel isn’t the only one with battle scars. Some of them he feels are his fault, but you seem less self-concious about them, which gives him a surprising amount of confidence. Maybe it’s just a reality of what happens when you make it this long. 

When you’re finally bare beneath him, he admires how you look, stretched out and waiting, chest heaving and shivering with anticipation. He slides his hand between your legs – feels you already wet and warm, sinking two fingers inside. Your walls flutter around the intrusion, back arcing off the bed when you sigh out his name. Joel.

He’d forgotten how nice it felt to hear that. 

Joel is already thinking about what he’d like to do to you next time. He’d be more careful, more patient. He’d bury his face between your thighs to see if you tasted as good as he remembers, he’d let your fingers curl into his hair. But right now you both seem desperate for the same thing. 

He pumps his cock a few times with his hand, he can’t remember the last time he’d been this hard – the last time he’s wanted anyone this badly. Even with Tess, it had always felt like the both of them were hurrying to scratch an itch, her eyes would wander like she was thinking of other people, and maybe he was, too. 

Joel lines himself up with your slick cunt, teases you a little, and you roll your body down to meet him, gasping when his blunt head slides in – just a little. 

He can’t hold back. You practically suck him in, so tight and hot around him he finds it immediately overwhelming, but he doesn’t even think to pull out. Only when he’s fully seated inside you, and given you a chance to adjust, does he start to move. 

It’s euphoric. You’re both older now, more mature, but he still remembers all the things you liked, even if it takes a moment for him to find the spot inside you that makes you cry out, legs wrapping around his hips. 

Unlike before, you don’t bother trying to hide from him. You kiss him, hold him, touch him, look him in the eyes, tell him how good he feels – you don’t hold back. Joel relishes every word you say, clings to the praise and gives it back. Your lashes flutter when he tells you how pretty you look.

He can think of nothing else other than bringing you pleasure, can tell you’re getting close when you begin to rut against him, and he reaches down to let the pads of his fingers slide over your clit.

When you come, you whine his name, lock your lips with his own and he swallows your moans. The feeling of you so impossibly tight and wet and pulsing and squeezing him so tightly has him following closely after. 

His head is still buried in the crook of your neck when you speak again. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

The second Joel pulls out, he starts missing how close he felt to you. But you fix that by rolling over onto your stomach, curling up at his side, head on his chest, and arm across his stomach. 

“Joel. Fuck, you’re so perfect.”

He’s far from it. But he’s starting to think if you say it enough, maybe he’ll start to believe it. He turns his head to kiss you gently, slowly. “So are you.” 

“We can do this again, right?” you ask. 

“Yes,” he says. “Yes, we can.”

“Good,” you settle back against him, and very slowly, he dozes off with you right beside him. He doesn’t want to sleep alone again, and luckily, he doesn’t have to. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-December 4th, 2026-

When you return home from patrol, you find Joel in his living room – boots off and socked feet propped on the arm of the couch. You don’t notice his eyes are closed, that he’s asleep, until you get closer, see the book he’d been reading resting on his chest as he snores lightly. You can’t help but feel for him – he’s probably exhausted from constant patrols, so he must be tired. 

But mostly, you’re just overwhelmed by the love you feel for him, catching him in a quiet moment of vulnerability. Hesitantly, you reach out and squeeze his foot. It’s gentle and tender enough that he blinks his eyes open and looks around, taking in his surroundings, rather than jolting awake like he often does. When he sees you on the opposite end of the couch, he melts back into the pillow he’s propped against. 

“Hey, stud,” you lean against the arm of the couch. 

“Hey,” Joel answers, voice still gruff with sleep. “How long was I out?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “I just got in.”

“Hmm,” Joel closes his eyes again, folds his hands across his stomach.

“You’re wearing the glasses I got you,” you point out. They’re simple. Rectangular black frames. You’d found them on patrol, and brought them home after Joel had been complaining that he could barely see when he read before bed. But he’d tried them on and insisted he hated the way they looked, so you’d ended up using them most of the time.

“They do work,” he grumbles, like he’s ashamed to admit it. “But I still think they look stupid.”

“You look like a sexy librarian,” Joel rolls his eyes, but you can tell he’s suppressing a grin. There’s always a bit of defiance about him, he can’t fully admit how you get him so flustered even after you’ve spent so much time together. You press your thumb into the arch of his foot and he groans. “That feel good?” you ask. 

“Yes.”

“Whatcha reading?” You gesture towards the book. 

“Some book about the moon landing,” Joel lifts it off of his chest, where it lay face down and open, looks at the back cover. “For Ellie.”

“How sweet.”

“It’s a little dry,” he deadpans. “But she likes this stuff.” 

You shift your massage to his other foot. Joel stretches, his arms lifting above his head, the shirt he’s wearing rides up just so, so you see a sliver of his lower belly before it disappears again, throwing an arm over his eyes. 

“Are you tired?” you ask. 

“Always,” he says through a yawn. 

“Me too,” you yawn along with him, since they’re contagious. He pulls the glasses from their perch on the bridge of his nose and shuts the book, placing them both on the coffee table in front of him. You take your hands off his feet and he sits up a little straighter, holding out his hand. 

“Come ‘ere,” he says, and you do. 

He grunts as you settle into his arms, head nestled against his chest, sprawling out almost on top of him, the only way you both can fit like this on the couch.

“You’re so warm,” you say softly, letting him wrap his arms around you. 

“You’re cold. Your hands are freezing,” he holds them in his own.

“It’s cold out.”

“Don’t know why you left today.”

“Obligations. Patrol.”

“Fuck that.”

You laugh into his chest, pausing for a moment before speaking again. “You know, I think we might be boring.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, we don’t really leave the house. We spend all day reading. And we’re old.”

“We’re not that old.”

“But we’re getting up there.”

“Sure, but…” Joel trails off. 

“Everything’s so quiet, so calm.”

“I think that’s what most people would describe as content.” 

“Are you content?” you ask, lifting your head to look him in the eyes. 

“I’m happy,” he says softly, tucking a piece of hair behind your ears. “Are you?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Then don’t worry about the rest.”

“Okay,” you settle back against your husband's chest, feel his lips brush your forehead.

His fingers search absentmindedly for the ring on your finger he’d found while clearing out a pawn shop not too long ago. The one he wore looked nothing like your own. But the marriage had been long overdue, and neither of you cared what the rings actually looked like. 

Nowadays, you split your time between his place with Ellie, and your own with Ethan, but end up in his bed every night. At this point, you don’t think you could sleep without him. 

Years ago, another lifetime, you’d had a conversation underneath a sky full of stars. You’d told him that for you, good things had never lasted. Joel had made a promise. 

This will.

It took time. There was a lot of pain. But in the end, he had told you the truth.

-

-

-

[sweetkpopmusings]

long for you (interlude) | h. hyunjin <3

a/n: here's the interlude! only one more part of the fic left after this </3 this one is angsty, but i hope you enjoy it nevertheless >.< currently at work so i might make edits to it later lol if you want to be added to the tag list, you can reply to this post or send me an ask! pics not mine <3

♡ find all parts here ♡

content: fluff, romance, fake dating, angst, a happy ending | wc: 3.7k | warnings: mentions of food/eating, lots of crying | pairing: nonbinary!painter!hyunjin x gn!writer!reader | requests: open

synopsis: y/n is a writer with a long-awaited, well-deserved career opportunity. despite the excitement, there’s one major problem: the publisher expects a modern love story, equally romcom-like and authentic, but y/n lacks the inspiration to write something worth reading. through a chance meeting with mutual friends, y/n and hyunjin bond over upcoming deadlines and creative blocks. before the conversation ends, they discover that the ridiculous plot of fake dating might just work to solve their inspirational dry spell.

interlude: love untold

“y/n!”

a familiar voice calls your name. you look around the crowd, searching for anyone you recognize, not quite sure what you’re trying to find. when you see his face, you understand why the way he called your name sounded so much like home.

chan hurries over the second you wave to him, and you instinctively smile at his lopsided curls bouncing with each step he takes. you melt into his bear hug, warmed by the contact and the closeness of his bright smile. it’s only once you realize that he has run into you here that you feel a tiny wave of shock roll over you.

“wait, chan,” you tilt your head, “how are you…why are you here?”

he laughs, “i’m just as surprised to see you, y/n. i’m here interviewing for a new job.”

“oh wow! that’s great! how did it go?”

“i have the interview tomorrow, actually. i figured i’d get in a day early to feel out the area and make sure i like it.”

“and? what’s your review so far?”

chan’s excited grin is replaced by a soft smile, “seeing you makes it perfect.”

with a simple sentence, chan has you blushing the way you did as a teenager. it didn’t take much to fall into the old rhythm with him: easy conversation, light touches, inside jokes suddenly at the front of your mind despite not having been uttered in years. you two could have lost yourselves in each other’s presence anywhere, but chan suggests you migrate into a coffee shop to continue the conversation. as your agenda for the rest of the day is empty, you lead chan to a nearby coffee shop, relaxing into your seat with your favorite drink and the comfort of an old companion.

“so, tell me everything that’s been going on with you!”

you laugh, “chan. we haven’t seen each other in what, two, three years now? i hardly think telling you everything is possible.”

“i thought you said you had the rest of the night free?”

you roll your eyes, and chan giggles at his own joke. quietly, you prioritize what information to share, careful not to spiral and think about how much has changed since your last conversation with chan.

“i guess i can start with the fact that i got a book deal.”

chan just about drops his drink, “no way, y/n! that’s amazing! wow! i knew you’d do it one day. i know it has been your dream for ages. i’m so proud of you!”

“thank you, chan,” you pause to ensure he knows the depth of your gratitude, “it is a ghostwriting contract, so my name won’t be on it, but it feels surreal that someone’s paying me to write a book.”

“do you know when it’ll come out? i need to be first in line to buy it.”

“i honestly have no idea, but i’m turning in the manuscript tomorrow. the first draft of it, anyway.”

“wooooow,” chan leans back in his chair, “i’m so impressed. you’re like a big-time author now.”

“okay, don’t get ahead of yourself,” you scoff, still complimented by his pride in you, “but what about you? what brings you here for a new job?”

“eh, nothing as exciting as your news. i just want something new. i haven’t been feeling inspired with the work i do now, and i need a change of scenery. i moved back home after we…you know. it was great to go back to my roots. it’s time for me to move forward, turn a new page, start a life where no one knows me. at least that was the plan until i ran into you.”

you both laugh, and you reply, “if your interview tomorrow goes well, i can act like i don’t know you, so things can go according to plan.”

chan laughs boyishly, the way you always remembered it, “i appreciate your support, but i’d hate nothing more than for you to forget about me.”

you nod. you’d often caught yourself wondering whether chan still thought about you, whether he remembered any details of you and your life together. the space between you two was never supposed to grow this vast, but you figure that’s just how these things go sometimes. you feel a pang in your chest, sitting across from him, aware of how much he still means to you, despite it all.

“not to draw attention to the elephant in the room,” chan starts, feigning confidence over the redness in his ears, “are you seeing anyone?”

“please,” you laugh dryly, “you know i’m not.”

chan hums, observing you for a few extra seconds, “something’s going on in your love life.”

“chan!” you gape at him with disbelief, “based on what evidence?”

he leans closer to you, elbows on the table and eyes focused, “come on. i know you better than most people, especially when it comes to this stuff. who is it?”

you frown, hoping you can get him to believe that nothing is happening. predictably, even after years of separation, chan waits patiently. silent, stubborn, supportive.

“fine,” you sigh, spinning your cup a few times to delay your admission, “i was involved–well, not really involved, per se. there was…someone. we had something. at least, i thought we did, and i thought they thought so too. then, they ended things without warning. i can’t say they were in the wrong because being able to end things was a part of our…agreement…but it still hurt. i felt–feel–blindsided and delusional and stupid for getting my hopes up. i don’t think there’s anything to do now except move on, which sucks because it felt special. but hey,” you laugh sordidly, “i’ve been wrong about that before.”

chan smiles, some sadness peeking through, “we both have been wrong about that before.”

you nod, coming up empty on what to say next. chan watches you to ensure you’ve shared everything you wanted to before he speaks again.

“i’m sorry, y/n. i don’t know what they were thinking, and i won’t ask you to dredge up every detail, but i don’t need to know the whole situation to know that they made a mistake. you are so special. loving and being loved by you is the greatest gift i’ve ever known. you deserve someone who recognizes that, and i’m sorry that they weren’t smart enough to.”

you clear your throat, overwhelmed by chan’s words, “thanks, chan.”

“of course,” he smiles, “i’m what you could call an expert on this subject.”

you both laugh again, and chan continues, “all i wanted to do was give you the best. i still want to. i always thought if we saw each other again…” chan pauses to ensure he’s caught your gaze, “i would love to be the person that gives you what you deserve, if you’d let me.”

oh. 

“chan…”

“you don’t have to answer right now. besides, i wouldn’t ask for your time if we still lived as far apart as we do now. i just mean that, one way or another, i’d love to be back in your life. i still love you, and i always will, regardless of what that love looks like.”

a smile spreads across your face. chan, as you always remembered, never fails to surround you with warmth. you tell him so as you both say your goodbyes. you promise to call, much to chan’s excitement. he promises to tell you how the interview goes, and you can’t help but hope that he gets the job in the city, this city, your city. 

later, while you muscle through the final edits of your first manuscript, jisung stops by to confirm that you’re eating and drinking enough. against your best efforts, you mention chan right away.

“chan’s here?” jisung’s eyes are wide, though you can’t tell with which emotion.

you nod, “yeah, he’s interviewing for a job tomorrow.”

“oh wow, good for him!” jisung pauses his celebration for chan to ask the inevitable, “how did it feel to see him after…everything?”

you sigh, wondering how far down memory lane you were willing to travel, “it felt…good. we were comfortable right away, and, though it was clear time had passed, we were as connected as we had always been. he actually…i think, if he moves here, he wants to give us another shot.”

“whoa,” jisung looks arguably more shocked than you were when chan made his abrupt confession.

“yeah. i was surprised too. but i don’t know…i felt surprised in a good way, i think. obviously the whole hyunjin situation is fresh, and i’d be lying if i said i was over it. yet running into chan randomly for him to admit that he still wants to be with me, in some capacity at least, maybe that’s happening for a reason. i’ve felt so cynical about love for a long time. what if chan is the happy ending i’ve been craving all along?”

“i’m glad that seeing him went so well,” jisung chuckles, “i know when you two were with each other, you constantly talked about building a future together. you were happy with chan, there’s no denying that. but…”

“i know, i know,” you cut him off, so he doesn’t have to be the one to bring up the uncomfortable reminder, “he was my first love, and my first heartbreak. i can’t forget that he ended things because i distanced myself from him. i was scared, jisung. even though, or perhaps because, we were so young, our relationship was so idyllic. everything seemed to line up perfectly, and yet there was a pit in my stomach because i always worried that something was missing. could it have been that i found what was missing by growing up?”

“you sound like me,” he teases, a bit impressed, “it genuinely could be that you needed time apart to figure yourselves out before you could make it work. you and chan were great together; anyone could see that. if giving that relationship another, more mature try, is the right move, then you have my full support. but y/n…is chan the one you want to be with?”

“i…” you glance over at the poem hanging on your fridge, briefly feeling the way hyunjin’s words had moved you that night not so far in the past, “i’ve been feeling cynical about love and relationships for a long time. seeing chan made me feel hopeful again.”

“was it really chan that changed your mind?”

you roll your eyes and scoff, “whatever hyunjin made me feel doesn’t count. we weren’t even together anyway.”

jisung sighs, “just because you weren’t technically together doesn’t mean you didn’t build a relationship. the way you felt about hyunjin is what changed your mind on love, if you ask me. and, as we’ve already established, i have earned my wisdom when it comes to love.” 

you both laugh, relieving the tension. jisung definitely knew what he was talking about, and you know that he wouldn’t say anything regarding your love life if it weren’t important.

“what do you think i should do?”

a sweet and sympathetic smile appears on jisung’s face, “you know i can’t answer that. what i can say is i hope you chase after what’s right for you now. the younger version of you deserved real love, and who you are now deserves real love. that love might look different, whether it comes from the same person or not. it’s probably the romantic in me, but i think you’ll know if you’ve found that love. i hope you trust your gut, and i’ll support you no matter who or what you choose.”

with that, you thank him and remind him that you have a novel to finish, which means you don’t quite have the time for an existential crisis about love tonight. he laughs, wishes you luck, and heads home. you sit at the table for a while, quietly thinking to yourself about the events of the day. you never thought you’d be in a position like this, but you guess that signing up to live out one fanfic trope makes you more susceptible to living out other ones too. with that in mind, after finishing your edits, you decide to add one last line to the ending.

after all that had happened to us, and in spite of whatever would come, the center of everything was this: i have longed for you since the moment i met you; therefore, i will always love you. 

before you can second guess yourself, you send it to your publisher and close your laptop. unable to resist the tears, you sit at your kitchen table, full of relief and sadness, and cry. regardless of what tomorrow brings, one love story has ended. in chasing toward your tomorrow, you have to live with saying goodbye. 

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

“hyunjin!” jeongin looks up from his desk, face composed but eyes wide with surprise, “i wasn’t expecting to see you so soon.”

hyunjin approximates a smile to the best of their abilities, “i figured i should hand the final piece in directly.”

“as always, i appreciate the personal touch,” jeongin grins and points to the large canvas leaning against hyunjin’s body, “is that it?”

“yes,” they gaze down, peeking at the image, “i finally finished it.”

quiet, hyunjin places the painting on a work table in front of jeongin. jeongin examines it, thoroughly dedicated to appreciating every brushstroke. the compliments on his artistic choices are personal and detailed, but hyunjin barely registers them. they’re sure they will be able to hear the precise, sincere feedback a different night, maybe when the exhibition opens, so hyunjin only feels a twinge of regret at being spaced out yet again. jeongin must have been able to tell that hyunjin was only half there because he quickly transitions his praise into a goodbye. hyunjin gratefully accepts the exit plan.

“oh, and hyunjin?”

hyunjin pauses near the door, facing their friend with their full attention, “yeah?”

“take care of yourself, yeah?”

“of course.”

hyunjin makes it only a block before the tears start streaming. hearing those words from jeongin, the type of friend to refrain from casual sentimentality, breaks hyunjin’s thinly veiled detachment. the facade they barely maintained in the past few weeks lacked resilience. how could there be any solidity to him when hyunjin spent the recent past floating away?

they walk aimlessly for some amount of time, landing at a park bench. the afternoon sun would usually deter them from this spot, but the overcast sky makes the place feel less visible, less connected to the rest of the outside world. hyunjin hadn’t been outside for more than a few minutes at a time since the conversation at the restaurant, so they melt into the bench with hopes that vitamin d will cure them of their self-inflicted heartbreak. cure is perhaps too strong of a hope. hyunjin doesn’t believe anything could undo the hurt he caused, but he wants to believe that the suffering won’t last forever. 

in case the sunshine can’t clear all their problems away, hyunjin calls minho. they feel selfish and stupid and hate that they could be interrupting someone else’s good day, but he can’t think of anything useful on his own. all the time in the studio, all the distancing from friends, all the nights spent writing in their journals couldn’t remove the pit in their stomach, the rock in their chest. the guilt weighed so much more because your name was written all over it.

“hyunjin,” minho answers on the third ring, “how can i help you?”

they laugh through the tears, sniffling, “your customer service knows no bounds.”

“i expect a tip.”

hyunjin laughs again, grateful for a fleeting lightness in his chest before confronting everything that’s crashing down, “minho, i messed up.” 

minho sighs on the other side of the line, “do you want to talk about it?”

thankfully, minho doesn’t rush hyunjin to respond. hyunjin, overcome with just about every emotion they’ve felt in the past few weeks, feels another wave of tears emerge in the presence of his friend’s patience and understanding. they’re not sure what they’re looking for, but being able to admit their mistakes feels like the right place to start.

“i really cared about y/n. like…deeply. more than i’ve cared about someone in a long time, if ever. i miss them, and it’s my fault. it’s like a sick joke. this whole arrangement was built around us finding inspiration for our work, and now, because i got scared, i learned what yearning actually feels like. i feel it in my body, like the urge to reach out for something–someone–that isn’t there anymore. it’s so cliché, and i used to make fun of people for saying it when they went through a breakup, but i look for y/n in everything i see. they’re gone. the feeling of them beside me is like a phantom limb, but i am responsible for the amputation. i feel like i can’t even be sad about it because i’m the one who left. i can’t even say i don’t know what went wrong because i ruined it. i regret it. minho, i don’t know what to do.”

“hyunjin,” minho sighs, “you need to be kinder to yourself. yes, you made a mistake, but you don’t deserve to tear yourself apart for it.”

“don’t i though? what i have–had–with y/n was so special. they deserve so much more than what i gave them, what i was giving them and then immaturely ripped away. they were so kind to me, so honest. and i threw that all away without so much as an explanation.”

“okay,” minho lets out a breath with a hint of frustration, “i really think you’re taking this self-flagellation thing way too far, but i won’t waste time arguing with you if you don’t want to believe me–”

“where did you learn ‘self-flagellation’?”

“hyunjin, seriously?” minho deadpans.

hyunjin can perfectly picture the annoyed look on minho’s face, and he laughs, “sorry, you’re right. we were being serious and vulnerable. i shouldn’t have interrupted with a joke.”

“exactly, you shouldn’t have interrupted the vulnerability.”

“are you talking about you or y/n now?”

“a little bit of both, but mostly y/n. you got scared because you two were so open with each other. you felt seen in a way you hadn’t before. that’s rare. all of us would be or have been intimidated by something like that.”

“not everyone runs away though,” hyunjin frowns, kicking a rock by their foot, “i did the thing you’re not supposed to do when you find someone as…perfect as y/n.”

“do you want them back?”

hyunjin bites his lip, scared even now to be honest about their desire, “it’s not like they would give me a second chance. they’re smarter than that.”

“that’s not the question i asked,” minho replies, kind yet firm.

panicking, they reply, “you know, even though it was a fake relationship, we kissed once. it was my idea, sort of as a joke. we did it anyway, ‘for the plot,’” hyunjin chuckles, “there was this clarity, in the seconds after we kissed. i realized then and there that i was far more tied to y/n than i ever expected or could have hoped. i know it sounds dramatic, but it’s like, with them, my heart and soul were…now they’re…life isn’t…i just thought that things would have turned out a completely different way, and maybe i was romanticizing things–i probably was, i always do–but that doesn’t change the fact that…” 

hyunjin pauses their rambling to take a deep breath, knowing there are only a few words left to say, “i want to be with y/n.”

for a brief second, the weight of everything falls away into sweet certainty. hyunjin wants to be with you, plain and simple. their stomach twists at the fact that you weren’t together because they ran away, but his heart leaps in hope that maybe things could still change.

“do you feel better now that you’ve said it?”

hyunjin sighs, relief rather than regret, “yeah. i do.”

“good,” minho pauses, and hyunjin imagines he’s cracking his knuckles in preparation for the nitty gritty advice he’s about to drop, “i think it’s important to point out that, just because you were fake dating each other doesn’t mean that you two didn’t have a relationship at all. you shared a connection, and the bond you built together was real, even if you weren’t earnestly trying to be romantic partners.”

oh.

hyunjin stays silent, so minho continues, “like i said, running away from someone, something special, because you’re scared of how much they mean to you is a mistake we all have or will make. don’t keep beating yourself up for it. also, don’t keep being dumb by avoiding y/n. if you feel the way you say you feel, then you owe it to yourself and to them to be honest, even if it’s coming a little late. take a chance. you’re already hurt, and you’ve already hurt them. what else do you have to lose?”

“i can’t believe you called me dumb while giving me the most insightful advice i’ve ever heard.”

minho laughs, “life’s about balance, hyunjin.”

hyunjin rolls their eyes, “i guess you’re right. about both things.”

“mhm. i usually am.”

hyunjin scoffs, “okay, if you’re going to gloat about being wise, i’m going to hang up.”

“good!” minho sighs the way one does after a long day’s work, “it’ll give you time to figure out how you’re going to get your person back.”

“you’re so annoying,” hyunjin huffs, “thank you. i’ll tell you how it goes.”

minho hums in agreement, rushing out a don’t forget to stop being dumb! as hyunjin ends the call. hyunjin sets their phone down next to them on the bench and takes a deep breath. the late afternoon is already melting its way into the evening. as hyunjin stares at the setting sun in the distance, they think about the beloved painting above their desk. out there, somewhere in the same city, there’s a chance you are at your bedroom window, saying goodbye to another day with hyunjin on the outside, a part of the world not welcomed into your home. what they wouldn’t give to change that.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

tag list: @velvetmoonlght @tirena1 (<333 tysm)

[nitrowyverine]

I think I write dating sim/VNs/etc reviews now? Anyway,

LOST IN LIMBO REVIEW/THOUGHTS

This VN piqued my interest, so I gave the demo a shot! This review will follow the same general format as my Obscura/Touchstarved review, except there's 7 (!!!) romance options.

Since I totally loved this game, I'm going to put the conclusion promo up here too: if Lost in Limbo interests you, consider playing it Here, Here on steam, and/or backing it Here!

ALSO! THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE DEMO!

My (long winded) thoughts are below:

(Banner image courtesy of the Ravenstar Games tumblr account pinned post. Individual character pics courtesy of tumblr posts from the studio. Individual posts are linked in character titles.)

Gameplay design thoughts:

the plot immediately sucked me in, I'm pretty invested in whatever the hell is going on with the protag, the realms, the lords, etc. I think the setup/land are deep enough to draw me in, but not so intimidating in it's depth that I'm afraid to explore more.

I always enjoy a little bit of nightmare fuel in my games, so the voidbound are perfect. They're so gross and horrible, but not just a stock zombie/nightmare creature design. Whenever the voidbound pop up, it makes the back of my neck itch, which is perfect.

I have no idea whose route I'll pick first. Usually I have one candidate that I can pick out as number 1. This game however? I go back and forth all the time, since I love all of them. I do think I have bias for Ara/Gael/Amon/Envy, maybe?

I really want to design an MC to doodle for this, but I feel like I don't know enough about other people in the realm. (Mostly, I'm assuming that standard humans don't have pointy ears? how close to our reality is the regular world?) I might say "screw it" and design an MC anyway (with some speculative clothing for once they get cleaned up)

The backgrounds have been great set pieces so far. Sometimes I catch myself just kinda staring into space at them. They've got a fantastic flavor.

Misc. Thoughts written during a replay

Fun touch to have Evie's rock image from the beginning fortune shop scene line up with the 7 LI's color schemes.

Each of the VA's does a lovely job with their voices. I've been turned off of certain dating sims because of bad voice acting, but the acting in this game is superb so far. It really helps set the richness of the story.

I have a theory that the LI's (and possibly people in Limbo in general) experience pain differently. The characters seem largely uninterested in the MC's stabbed, weakened state, beyond a "Oh that sucks....we'll clean you up later" mentality. I wonder if they have different pain tolerances, or are just less attached to such things. (Then again, Amon and Raeya have full missing limbs/eyes, so they probably have a decent perspective on pain altogether)

What does wielder/non-wielder mean? Xal says the MC "Can't wield, can't see." What do the LI's see that we don't? Ara mentions that the MC seems "Completely normal". Many mysteries.

I need those monster forms like crazy oh my goodness. Please devs PLEASE SHOW THE MONSTER FORMS

Now, to the lovely love interests!

Amon

WHO LET THIS MAN BE OVER 7 FEET TALL? PRIDE YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO

I only just noticed he also has a few freckles, *chefs kiss* (Waaaiit do all of them have little freckle skin textures??? Oh this is a glorious day.)

It's hard not to love a big friendly guy. I was honestly relieved when he first showed up, because I did Envy's route first, and I was thrilled to see a friendly face in the big dark scary woods.

This does not mean, however, that I'm not excited to see what this guy turns into when he's mad.

I like that he has pity for MC when they first show up, but I do worry it makes his resolve weaker. I'm not as confident that he could handle society/reality breaking down as well as the others. Can he put aside his affable nature for when shit hits the fan?

Question: What level of fight had to happen for Amon to lose his eye? He's already huge, and has some sort of telekinetic powers. My theory is that he was taken by surprise, maybe by someone close to him.....(Envy I'm looking at you)

RIP Amon you would have loved Hawaiian shirts

Conclusion: Most likely to be the camp counselor who hurts his back from always giving piggy back rides. Least likely to keep his composure during a badly timed pun/dad joke.

Raeya

I'm fighting for my life whenever shes on screen good LORD

Similarly to Amon, I GOTTA know the story behind her prosthetic arm. Its so rad looking, but how did she lose a whole arm? (I am also considering that she was also not born with one)

Playing the demo again, she makes a specific comment about the monsters having not "infected a limb" of the MC. My bet is that's how she lost her arm.

I wish I could have spent 1:1 time with her, but it wasn't offered in the demo. I'd love to have like, a sit down discussion with her about history. (Well I'd be fine getting lectured about history and drinking tea and hanging out)

Out of everyone's motivations, I think I understood Raeya's the most. Even if she was against MC, I think her concerns are completely valid. If an alien fell out of the sky from a different reality to earth I'd ALSO be taking every precaution

She and Amon have matching ear chains, that's adorable....

I hope I can take her on a nice date and spoil her and let her relax in the full game, pretty please. Nothing bad will happen right???

Conclusion: Most likely to gently remind the waiter that you said NO pickles with your order, thank you very much. Least likely to admit to being the one who farted in a crowded room.

Envy

every other line from him is "UGGGHHH" and i love that for them.

After playing, I think I've finally realized that I've got a soft spot for grumps. just grumpy lil friends with their pouty faces

I want (vivi's) Envy's nails SO BAD. I need him to do my nails because theirs are perfect. Envy, envy PLEASE

They pretend not to care, but are already getting attached to the MC by the end of the demo. I can't wait to see what they're like when they actually DO get attached

Elephant in the room, what could he have possibly done to get himself demoted so severely? Everyone seems to be fine with him being demoted except Amon, who sheepishly vouches for him when he can.

I just wanna wrap him in a blanket burrito like you do with a spicy kitten. and then give him little smooches

Conclusion: Most likely to be they guy who gets one drink at a party and sits in the corner with the dog/cat all night. Least likely to allow their partner to willingly boop their nose with any regularity.

Pride

Old man yells at cloud? No....old man IS cloud.

The dev's tumblr has mentioned that he's a pathetic old man, but for now at least, I am afraid of his authority and power. since hes like. yaknow. the big god of this world

The VA did some fabulous work for his voice. I definitely got actual chills in certain parts. 10/10

Okay, so WHAT is this guy's deal with mirrors? He looks great, why is he worried about it. I sincerely doubt he's just 52 though, if he's a god. (as a note for all these interests, I have a feeling that the ages are their physical ages, and not their actual ages. Or at least, age relative to ours. I think they're much older in our years than in their years.)

We also didn't get any 1:1 time with Pride in the demo, so I'm fascinated to see what alone time with Pride would be like. Is he quiet? a chatterbox? Just a guy??? does he only play piano and not talk to you. (power move)

Conclusion: Most likely to show up WAY over-prepared for Parent-Teacher conferences. Least likely to understand and survive the cinnamon challenge.

Ara

Certified CUTIE PIE

We got a pretty clear demonstration of everyone's powers in the demo, except for Ara. Unless it was too subtle for me to realize, I'm not actually sure what her cool powers are yet.

If she DOESN'T have plant powers I'd be very surprised.

I keep wanting to think things like "I have to protect her" or "keep her safe at all costs". But then I remember she's likely absolutely terrifying, and I honestly should be actually afraid for anyone who gets in her way.

I would like to remind/inform everyone that so far, she is the only member of the cast who is visibly armed at all times. (Raeya doesn't count even if her arm claws look really really sharp.)

If I have to pick anyone to party with, it's probably Ara. I know she'd throw an absolute rager, but would also make sure you stay hydrated. I wanna hold her hand too. Please?

I'll go butch for her, i'll do it if thats what she wants. I'm weak

Conclusion: Most likely to be able convince you to give her your kidney. Least likely to let you skip a bloodthirsty game of monopoly because you "Have a headache"

Gael

where did he find pants long enough for him.

Okay. So its HIS fault that Amon has the deepest V-cut since time immemorial. Do you think Amon and Gael had an extensive argument about the minimum amount of clothes Amon has to wear at any given time? Because I do.

His powers certainly did not. Awaken anything in me. Nope.

he has the shortest and most perfect arc from stranger -> friendly -> ???? -> BETRAYAL

I am MASSIVELY curious about his dissociation/spacing out during the demo. He was 8 million miles away in the tower for some reason, and I HAVE to find out why. I just KNOW this man is doing some questionable shit with good intentions and I can't wait to find out what it is.

So, he has SOME issue with touch. No idea what it is, but I can't wait to find out what it is. Also noting he's the only one with full-coverage gloves in the cast. Interesting...

Conclusion: Most likely to cry after being sent those sad FB/insta animal stories. Least likely to let you open your own car/carriage/etc door under any circumstances.

Xal

He looks so soft. I have to bully him, in a good way. (Like grim from Date with Death)

I am fascinated as to why he would lie for MC. That's such a great hook to his character. What does a guy who so desperately wants to be left alone have to see to stick his neck out for a stranger?

SOMEONE get this man a NINTENDO DS POST HASTE

THIS GAME HAS TO GET FUNDED BECAUSE XAL SAYS HE HAS A CAT AND I WANT TO SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will do it, I will be the one to tuck him in when he is too eepy. I will carry him to bed and kiss his little head good night

Wait, if he can "Figure something out" by touching it, he could be like, the worlds greatest doctor. Xal please get off the couch and help me diagnose mystery ailments in a medical sitcom

Conclusion: Most likely to injure himself rigging up a Rue Goldberg machine to scratch his back. Least likely take it easy on you once he learns how to play super smash bros. (He's a fox/falco main)

Concerns:

What the Ravenstar team has already been able to accomplish is incredible. I'm worried that with 7 whole love interests (with a possible two more on the way if the kickstarter goes well), i'm worried the devs are taking on a whole lot of work. I think they're fully capable of taking this on, but I hope they don't burn themselves out in the process.

I'm pretty happy to see the kickstarter is moving along, but there's always the chance that something happens, and/or the kickstarter goal isn't met. BY THE TIME I FINISHED WRITING THIS IT GOT FUNDED LETS GOO!!! I still hope this project makes it all the way to completion beyond the kickstarter. Things can always happen, so Ive got my fingers crossed for the Ravenstar team!

OVERALL CONCLUSION:

I loved the demo, and I have now backed the project! The team is trying to hit stretch goals now, so share Lost in Limbo with your buddies! I crave content for this game like nothing else.

[taegularities]

colour me in: timeline | jjk

numerous main parts and several drabbles in, i realised how easy it is to lose track of time. considering how we’ve been jumping between the present and the past, it’s become necessary to illustrate what cmi’s timeline looks like, especially since we can’t store every bit of information ever mentioned in the chapters in our brains at once! so i decided to make this little post that outlines the cmi couple’s entire story chronologically. i will explain things that aren’t explicitly mentioned in the series in detail – the rest is only briefly listed.

in case you haven’t read the series yet and plan to do so – spoilers ahead!! hope the timeline makes sense! 💕 

⤑ SERIES MASTERLIST

⤑ last year, sometime in late spring. break up with nara:

mentioned in cmi4/lights and cmi8/blurred: ⋆ jungkook and nara separate. ⋆ there is a back and forth for a couple of days, but they settle on a mutual decision: it’s over. ⋆ jungkook, hurt by loneliness and tempted by freedom, sleeps with other girls. ⋆ nara and jungkook cannot keep it at this break up – more to this later.

⤑ last year, july. frat party:

cmi8/blurred: ⋆ jungkook and oc meet at fratboy choi yeonjun’s private party and talk. ⋆ they hook up and build a connection without any high expectations of crossing paths again. ⋆ jungkook is not hooking up with nara at this point. ⋆ oc rejected hoseok whom she had a fling with during freshman year and again a couple months ago. he’s a fleeting friend.

⤑ last year, fall/september. accounting/business class:

mentioned throughout the series: ⋆ jungkook and oc meet again; oc is a business major, and jungkook attends this class for extra credits. ⋆ not long after meeting again, they fall into constant bickering, competitive in class but secretly fond of each other. lowkey even friends. ⋆ oc tries to push him away bc she’s sure this won’t end well. ⋆ soon after the semester starts, they start hooking up again.

⤑ last year, beginning of october. nara cont.:

partly mentioned in cmi4/lights and explained here and here: ⋆ jungkook and nara have a history together that goes beyond what they were to each other. they grew up together and are used to that connection, even though the depth of the relationship and its importance has faded throughout the last few months. ⋆ they hook up again, multiple times, but eventually realise that neither of them will benefit from this. it’s unhealthy – they need to move on and remain friends. ⋆ they part in good terms; a huge weight is lifted off their shoulders. nara and jungkook are officially over. ⋆ moving on is easier than it was right after their sudden decision to separate as a couple.

⤑ last year, end of october. the fwb deal:

cmi7.5.2/unhindered: ⋆ jungkook and oc have sex and seal the fwb deal. ⋆ jungkook hasn’t slept with anyone but oc since the beginning of october, and with nobody except nara and oc since the frat party.

⤑ last year, end of december. new year’s eve:

cmi5.5/not enough: ⋆ jungkook and oc, still in a fwb thing, are invited to a big party at hoseok’s place. ⋆ oc doesn’t reveal that she knows hoseok and jungkook doesn’t know. hoseok might or might not be aware that oc’s been hanging out with jungkook (more to this after cmi9).

⤑ this year, february 14th. valentine’s day:

cmi6.5/undying roses: ⋆ fwb still ongoing! jungkook and oc aren’t attending any classes together anymore; they’re friends now. ⋆ jungkook gifts her a ‘beauty & the beast’ rose bc he remembers her talking about the movie during choi yeonjun’s party. ⋆ but the movie isn’t mentioned in cmi8/blurred, so guess oc truly cannot remember this bit anymore – it’s not in her diary either.

⤑ this year, june. the fake dating deal:

cmi1 – cmi3/layers: ⋆ sealing the fake dating deal. ⋆ jungkook and nara are still somewhat friends. ⋆ more that unfolds: the paparazzi issues, jungkook’s first experience with newspaper headlines, clubbing with all their friends before oc finds out jungkook’s going away for a month.

⤑ this year, july. jungkook’s vacation and the journalist reveal:

cmi4/lights & cmi5/the canvas: ⋆ oc finds out about jungkook and nara’s history; jungkook goes on vacation after that. ⋆ jungkook comes back and needs to tell her something: a journalist, hired by her mother, has been following jungkook around for a while to find content for drama. this creates a huge rift between oc and her parents, and she temporarily stays at jungkook’s place.

⤑ this year, august. the confession and the break up:

cmi6/silhouettes – cmi7.5/letters from the heart: ⋆ oc spends her time at jungkook’s place. ⋆ they make a trip to a smalltown nearby and confess their feelings for each other in the rain, but the next day, everything collapses due to more terrible headlines and jungkook breaks up with her. ⋆ weeks later: they meet again at the hospital after yoongi’s accident. they accompany their friends to the movies where they impulsively kiss but unfortunately part again. ⋆ jungkook starts to realise that and why this was a mistake. he attends an exhibition hosted by namjoon where he displays two of his paintings. ⋆ it’s his birthday, and oc, despite receiving an invitation, doesn’t show up.

⤑ this year, september. the birthday, exhibition and the making up:

cmi8/blurred – cmi11.5/blooming: ⋆ oc has started looking for apartments. ⋆ oc goes to the exhibition and gives him his birthday present. ⋆ jk invites her to stay, but she leaves. ⋆ oc goes partying with jimin and eun and drunk calls jk who picks her up. ⋆ jk spends the weekend with oc. he reveals his secret and childhood trauma regarding his father and cousin; jk and oc make up and start their relationship. ⋆ oc keeps looking for apartments until jk offers her to move in with her. she thinks about his offer and reveals at a charmante press conference that she’ll be living with his boyfriend from now on – and that she is leaving charmante and becoming a manager at the subsidiary novaura. ⋆ oc has a conversation with her mother and finally spills all her thoughts. jk and oc start living together, and she starts her job at novaura. she meets seokjin there as a co-manager. ⋆ oc starts feeling sick and hides from jk due to a pregnancy scare. jk nearly goes insane looking for her, and the worries and the scare make him realise that he wants to stay with her, no matter what. ⋆ jk tells oc he loves her for the very first time. ⋆ oc and jk start getting used to living together. oc asks jk if he’d want to go on a trip with all their friends; he agrees.

⤑ this year, october. the trip, the wedding, …?:

cmi12/palette: ⋆ jk and oc go on a trip with their friends in mid-october. they visit a mountain, a beach, play slippery soccer. yoongi and jimin’s relationship is confirmed, and taehyung and eun have grown closer, too. ⋆ oc tells jk that she, too, loves him. ⋆ oc and jk leave their friends earlier to drive to his hometown, to the wedding.  ⋆  what next?

⤑ sometime in the future: the 1-week-long fight:

cmi9.5/seven:  ⋆ jk and oc have a fight that goes on for a week. jk serves as a fashion model at oc’s job. oc has already been working at novaura for a while. ⋆ more or less a filler chapter!

i will add more as we go! this is a late night post, so i might come back to edit it later; i hope this helps for now. please remember that this timeline isn’t supposed to be a summary; it merely provides some insight into what occurred when. only those who have read the fic will find this actually helpful – if you’re interested in the storyline, please do read the series 🤍  

[willowser]

i received this lovely lovely lil thought from a lovely lovely anon in response to this question, and i think we ALL should get to enjoy it 🥹🩷

(Tw:Abuse / Manipulation (kind of; it's not overly gratuitous, but better safe than sorry))

Will! !! So I was thinking about your "would Bakugou chase after you, even after you're engaged" post (loved it! spinning it around in my head), and while I do think he'd probably let you go if you were truely happy with this other person, y'know what might change that? If this other person wasn't making you happy. (I’M SO SORRY FOR THE INCOMING WALL OF TEXT – please just delete if I’m being annoying!!) To explain; I think in this scenario, maybe you're still getting over a long-time unrequited crush (👀), and you're looking for something with a normal, sweet guy to help get over it. He's not the type you would usually go for, but he's nice enough (idk, maybe he has blonde hair, or red eyes, and maybe that makes it easier). And while you initially thought this would just be a short fling, it just kind of... gets away from you? A few dates turn into a few more, and then lots more and before you know it things are getting Serious. He's talking about moving in together, and you're taken aback by it (weren't you just starting to go out together? Isn't this too soon?). But it's not like you have anything real to complain about! He's not horrible to you or anything! He treats you well enough! It's just that you don't seem to feel anything... deep? for him. You don't daydream about a future together, you don't go out and wish he was there with you; Honestly, if he's not there with you, you don't think much about him at all (not the way you used to with him 👀). And hey, maybe sometimes (frequently) you end up doing things you didn't want to do, maybe he knows what to say to get you to acquiesce to his wants and needs, without coming across as manipulative. Or maybe you're just nervous! He isn't "rushing you long term commitments, which would dissuade you from leaving", the two of you are just caught up in a Whirlwind Romance! /Sarcastic. Being honest, that kind of thing grinds a person down after a while; you bend much more easily to his whims. He is, after all, so Normal and so Sweet - and how often do guys like that turn up? You'd be a fool to dump him now, now he knows you so well, and really. What are you expecting? Some Prince Charming(👀) to come and sweep you off your feet? Get real. So you get the flat together, and later on (though sooner than you'd like), you accept his proposal.

1 / 7 (I'm so sorry)

2/7 To my mind, this is the kind of diverging path for Bakugou. I think, if this was a genuine whirlwind romance, and it was recognised by the people around you, he'd probably back off. For all his brashness, he wouldn't want to hurt you by ruining your wedding day to the person you actually love. TBH I can kind of see him pining for you for the rest of his life, and hoping you become a widow/er so he get another shot to confess his feelings lmao. In that situation he could write off his own negative feelings towards your fiance as his own jealousy, right? If the fiance were actually bad for you, at least one other person from your respective friend group would notice. But!! I think that would change if his opinions were backed up by his friends (because it would demonstrate that it isn’t just his jealousy tarnishing his opinion of your boyfriend) Let's imagine that maybe he isn't the only one to think something Weird is going on. Maybe he's hanging out with Denki and Sero, because he's so obviously miserable about not confessing in time, and they're trying to cheer him up (it's been a month and he's mouldering. He is suffering). In walk Eijiro and Mina, who - while they were out getting snacks that Bakugou would never even consider eating if he wasn't in the depths of despair - just so happened to run into you and your new... boyfriend? Kind of? You seemed kind of reluctant to say the two of you were dating, but he seemed nice. Eijiro thinks he's kind of bland, and Mina knows you can do better (which she says both for Bakugou's ego, and because it's true), but nice enough. And you know, maybe, for the first time in a month, Bakugou stops sitting so rigidly. He doesn't slouch per se, no. He relaxes in the same way that tiger might relax before pouncing, in the way that a hunter might breathe out before pulling the trigger. A month of dating, and you still won't call the guy your boyfriend? When you'd introduced them to each-other (after your third date), Bakugou assumed it was his jealousy that made him hate the guy. Kind of boring, kind of pushy (a/n: no, he wouldn't clock the fact that he looks like off-brand Bakugou). He didn't think it would last too long, but it still felt bitter that that was the guy who beat him to the punch.

But seriously; a month of dating, and you still won't call the guy your boyfriend? That's... interesting >:)

3/7 So months roll by, and Bakugou keeps his eye on you. He flipflops between anguishing over his jealousy, and making sure that your “boyfriend” is treating you right. Of course, it’s made harder by the fact that he doesn’t see you that much any more. Your other friends notice it too; You’re not being kept inside your (shared) flat, but you always seem busy, and a bit tired. Ochako and Iida can usually grab you for lunch, Momo swings by your flat pretty often, but your social calendar seems so full now. Full of dates and outings with your new boyfriend. Apparently, you barely have a minute for someone you’ve been friends with since childhood.

It pisses Bakugou off to no end, but he’s keeping his distance (for now). Because the thing is, Bakugou – above anything else – respects you. If you want to waste your time on some loser, he’s not going to presume that he knows better for you! Bakugou’s many things but he’s not “fuckin’ presumptuous”. Besides, if you really were in dire straights, or needed help, you’d reach out. It’s not like you don’t still send him little messages every other day; memes you think he’ll like, little scenic photographs of your dates (conspicuously, your boyfriend is missing from every single one👀). He’s Fine. He can Be Patient. (Reader, he’s been seething for months).

4/7 HOWEVER. Flashing forward to The Proposal. I think it shakes him; firstly because the person he loves is getting married to another man, and he somehow thought you’d have ended it by now. But secondly because everyone else seems to agree that it’s weird! It’s way too soon for marriage to a guy that you don’t even seem to like all that much, and while everyone gently float their concerns to you that maybe it’s just a teeny tiny smidge too soon to get married (which you rebuff half-heartedly), the group-chat is popping the fuck off. It’s definitely too soon, this guy is Too Normal in a very weird way, they barely know him, the wedding is taking place really soon, they should stage in intervention (Eijiro&Tsuyu&Sero), they should kidnap you until you realise what a mistake it would be (Mina&Denki), they should kill him (Deku&Ochako&Iida), etc. It’s pretty weird, then, that Bakugou comes in as the voice of reason; you’re a grown up, and you can make your own decisions. If you really, genuinely want to marry him, that’s up to you; After all the freedom to make your own decisions comes with the responsibility to accept the consequences. (a/n: obvs it would be phrased in a far more Bakugou-esque fashion, but you get my point). So they relent, although they’re still concerned.

So maybe a few days before the wedding he sends you a message (because it’s tricky to get a hold of you in person); he just wants to know what you see in your fiance. He wants to know if you’re really serious about him, or if you’re just settling. It’s not phrased cruelly, but it’s blunt. The message he sends isn’t nice and sweet, but it’s honest, and it comes from a place of concern.

You read it and you don’t reply.

Flash forward again, and it’s the night before the wedding. Wedding Eve, if you will. Bakugou’s in a sour mood and tries to ease his pain by heading to a bar, but it doesn’t really get any better throughout the night. He’s conflicted now more than ever; Is this guy actually awful and bad for you, or is he just jealous? Is he not stepping in because he wants to be respectful of your wishes, or because he’s afraid that by doing so he’ll reveal his own feelings, and suffer the consequent (possible) rejection? Why didn’t he just tell you how he felt before this mess started? He has a few drinks to many, and falls into a dreamless sleep.

5/7 MERRY WEDDINGMAS. It’s the day of the wedding, and because of he hit the bottle too hard last night, Bakugou’s overslept (for the first time in his life, probably). He goes to check his phone – maybe he can still make it to the wedding the venue on time?-

TWO MISSED MESSAGES.

He didn’t realise, but last night you finally replied to his message: You don’t know if you want to get married to this guy.

It’s a long, winding message, but what it boils down to is this- You threw yourself into a relationship with someone you know you don’t really love (you like him well enough, but there’s no spark), because you’ve been spending years muddling your way through a hopeless crush on someone you think will never like you back. So you’ve let yourself go along with this guy, but now you’re on Wedding Eve, and you’ve never been so uncertain of yourself! Your fiance’s a sensible choice (He’s Bland, and he’s Pushy, but he’s Nice, and he’s Normal, but maybe you’re losing yourself in your relationship with him, but maybe you just have cold feet), but you’re not sure that you care any more, and it’s now or never, and it’s ‘You, Bakugou, It’s always been you’, and you’ve been too afraid to tell him, because when does real life play out like the films? When does the years long pining, the roller-coaster of emotions, the ‘I’ve been in love with you since the moment I saw you’, have a happily-ever-after in the real world?

The next message was sent a few hours later. Evidently, you’d calmed down somewhat, because you tell him that you’re sorry for sending him all of that on Wedding Eve, that you’ve had feelings for him for a long time, but if he doesn’t feel the same it would be the kind of closure you’d need to move on. If he doesn’t want to attend the ceremony, you’ll understand and leave him alone. But if he wants to “talk” (👀!!!), then you’ll be waiting for him.

Bakugou feels raw after reading your confession; All this time, and the two of you – despite sharing the same feelings – were so afraid, and for what? The relief, the fear, the hope, all spur him into action.

He’s hungover, he’s in his pyjamas, but all the same he’s rushing towards his expensive, fuel-efficient car as fast as he can, because he has a fuckin’ wedding to stop.

6/7 Meanwhile, you’re stressed, mentally twisting into knots. Bakugou didn’t even read the messages you sent last night, which is both a relief (now you can just get married and move on) and a heart wrenching disappointment (because if you’re being honest with yourself, you were hoping he’d stop you).

You’re wearing an outfit you don’t really like, and your fiance’s family are beaming at you, although you don’t really know them so well. The venue is pleasant but not what you would’ve chosen for yourself. As you walk down the aisle, the band sounds kind of off. Your family and friends are… what? Grimacing? Smiling? Both Smimacing? You aren’t sure.

The ceremony passes in a kind of blur, and you go through the all motions. Mostly, you think of the messages you’d sent to Bakugou. You’d felt so courageous when you finally – finally! - confessed your feelings to him, so hopeful that maybe instead of replying, you’d hear a knock at your door, and he’d sweep you off your feet and- then hours had passed without a word, and you’d been left wondering. Conflicted, and unsure.

As you wait for your fiance to finish his vows (that he wrote himself, but sound like he stole them from a Pinterest board), however, you have a mild epiphany. Did it really matter so much if Bakugou loved you back? Sure, it’d break your heart, but one day you’d heal from it. Besides, he wouldn’t want to settle for some nobody! Bakugou was loyal to his friends, and he wanted the best for them, and that was one of the things you loved most about him! Surely, you owed it to both him, and more importantly, yourself, to put an end to this madness!!

You steel yourself as it gets to That Part of the wedding. The officiant turns to you, and asks if you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband. You face your fiance, and open your mouth to say “Actually…. I DON’T” when-

The doors slam open, and who’s standing there in a matching pair of pyjamas, still holding his car keys? It’s Bakugou, and you only have to lock eyes with him for him to shout – in true romcom fashion – ‘I FUCKIN’ OBJECT’.

7/7 Everyone’s stunned, although the guests on your side of the venue look more thrilled than scandalised.

In truth, I wouldn’t normally peg Bakugou as the “Objecting at a wedding” type, but in this scenario – when the two of you have been pining for so long, when he knows you’d appreciate the spectacle, when he gets to show up that nobody who wasted your time for so long – I think maybe he’d make an exception. Maybe he wouldn’t make some long, protracted speech about how much he loves you, but he MIGHT run to the alter full tilt, and tell you that you’re making a mistake. I do think MAYBE he’d hold out his hand to you, a silent question in his eyes, all while your fiance sputters and rants.

Idk, maybe you say something to the effect of “Looks like he beat me to the punch – I object, too :)”, tell your ex-fiance you’re sorry, but you can’t do this. PERHAPS – after all of the years of wondering, and stressing about whether Bakugou would reject you – you’d just quietly take his hand. And maybe to two of you would scamper off down the aisle to the raucous applause of your friends and family, get into his hatchback or w/e, and drive off into the sunset, certain in the knowledge that – yes, there would be ramifications to running off together like this, but that whatever might come your way you’d face it together! MAYBE.

Idk, I just feel like if he was going to confess his feelings for you after you’d already been engaged, it might be in the form of kissing the back of your hand, pulling off your cheap, shitty engagement ring, throwing it out of the car window, and going for a long drive so you two can finally Talk.

Listen, this really got away from me, and I’m so sorry for flooding your inbox like this. I was just really caught up in the scenario, and wanted to share it with you. Much love 💖

[shadyauthor]

My welcome home AU EXPLAINED

The "HeartStrings💕" AU

So basically short explanation, Giffany from Gravity Falls but Wally. But! Also DDLC but the cast of Welcome Home.

But the in depth explanation :

The AU itself is close to DDLC but Wally himself is more like Giffany, as in like his abilities!

But its not like the reader is IN the game no, the reader buys the game.

The plot of the AU itself is basically

Wally x Reader

Sally x Reader

Julie x Reader

Poppy, Barnaby, Frank, and Eddie are also in the game but are not romantically involved with the reader! The others will be considered as "route choices" but the book is truly just Wally x Reader.

This game is called: "Strings of their hearts". I don't know where I want to take this story yet, if I want the cast to have a good end or a bad end (as in like the ending in DDLC, where you are trapped with Monika forever till you delete her) or a "happy" ending, which I won't disclose since I already have that planned out and there is a possibility I could use it! I wouldn't want to spoil it nono! And I don't know if I want to end it at all, but I know that'd be impossible so an ending is inevitable

If you have questions please feel free to ask, as I might have not covered everything that I wanted to (curse my memory!) This is the basic covering of the AU itself.

Now onto the game!

The game will start by opening up to a screen (most of this will be described in the first chapter I will make when writing it all out) it is old and lagging but the reader persists! The game will go about the reader moving into a neighborhood and meeting all of their new friendly neighbors over the course of TWO DAYS. (Tbh I'm kinda just writing this out to remind myself the plot so I don't forget) meeting the "love interests" on the second day. You will have two months (in game) to get a date with one of the love interests!

You get to know each individual character to become friends or more (minus Poppy, Barnaby, Frank, and Eddie ofc) and that is all I can really say without spoiling the book!

The reader will be gender neutral throughout the ENTIRE story, as their gender is not needed for the book, I will try not to use pronouns at all but if I do they will be [They/Them], to try and be as inclusive as possible as I can.

This story will take place 2000-2005,[update: I changed it to be set in 2023 🤭] and the reader is an adult (this does not matter really as there will be ABSOLUTELY NO. NONE. ZERO. Nsft in this book, even if Clown changes their boundaries and opinions on it, the only reason they are an adult is because the cast are adults and this is a romance book)

If there is any questions please feel free to message me or comment I'll make sure to get to them whenever I can!

And of course, if I am going against ANY of Clowns boundaries PLEASE tell me and I'll fix or delete what I did immediately! We respect clowns boundaries in this household

NONE of this is Canon, this is an AU, and not at all affiliated with the original or Clown.

I will be posting the first chapter on here later today, I also have a tiktok account that will be dedicated to this AU and this AU alone

I will also be making drawings for this AU, like what the reader would look like IN game, Wallys outfit and basically the entire casts outfits, it will take time ofc! But it feels nice to see a visual representation.

Update: I've decided to take off Poppy Partridge x reader 💔

Heart Strings AU tiktok : wh_heartstringsau._

Where to message me : ꜱʜᴀᴅʏ 𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝐃𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞#4047 (I will change this if I change my username!)

So yeah, I'm nervous and I don't know if this will get attention at all, but I hope who ever decides to read this (or the chapter) I hope you enjoy!

[tgmsunmontue]

You need to learn how to fall 9/10

Hangster (and IceMav) - Bradley is too tall to be a naval aviator and instead becomes a sky diver, specialising in spin recovery. He is a civilian contractor to the military to teach pilots how to survive parachute spins from ejections. A more in-depth version of this post.

PROLOGUE 2003-2006 2007-2010 2011-2015 2016+ ~2019 ~2019 (contd 1) ~2019 (contd 2)

                Jake leaves early, kissing him goodbye and telling him he has a day of training ahead of him but he’ll be back. He lets him go, knows he will definitely see him later. But he wants to talk to Ice. Needs to talk to him and he doesn’t linger in bed, already has a jump planned so he can’t lie about.

                “So, this mission… that Mav and Jake are undertaking,” he starts, and he doesn’t know for certain, but he's able to make conclusions from the data provided to him.

                “Yes. It’s… dangerous.”

                “How dangerous?” Bradley presses, because everything they do has an element of danger.

                “It’ll require a couple of miracles. Mav’s words.”

                “Jesus fuck…” Bradley mutters, because Mav doesn’t call them that lightly. “So it’s a suicide mission?”

                “Not if he gets his way. And you know him, he usually gets his way.”

                Bradley huffs at the weak joke, but his heart is frozen at the idea that he might not have Mav around anymore, or Jake… worst case scenario, neither of them. He’s already had the gut churning fear of thinking he may have lost Mav too recently, one of the reasons why he’s no longer holding back at all with Jake…

                Fuck.

                “No other options huh?”

                “No other option,” Ice says, and Bradley gives him a tight hug.

…             …             …

                Jake stares at his phone, worried that he hasn’t had a reply from Bradley about his invitation and startles a little when Maverick sidles up to him, coffee cup in hand although he’s pretty sure it’s not coffee Maverick is drinking, but something more like a herbal tea.

                “You alright Lieutenant?”

                “Of course sir.”

                “He landed safely from his second jump fifteen minutes ago, won’t be checking his phone for about another half hour, but I have confirmation that he’s safe.”

                “Oh,” something inside uncurls, and he realizes it’s a bigger part that he’s not being deliberately ignored. He never doubted that Bradley was safe. His own phone is normally in his locker, untouched, but it’s their lunch break and he’d made an uncharacteristic check; unused to silence from Bradley and of course it all makes sense now.

                “He doesn’t let anything distract him when he’s jumping. Phone stays in the chase vehicle. He’ll answer you as soon as he can.”

                “Thanks Mav.”

                “Anytime.”

                “You seem pretty… invested in him.”

                “Did you know it took him nearly three years before he even agreed to have a drink with me?”

                Mav laughs, shakes his head and Jake doesn’t ask him what’s funny.

                “So I’ll take my three nights with him, and every scrap of every minute in between.”

                “And after?”

                Jake shrugs, it feels too soon, too cheesy and corny to say forever, or a lifetime even if that’s what his gut-instinct was to simply blurt out. Mav slaps him on the arm, nods his head like he understands and then simply walks away and Jake wonders what the hell he saw in Jake’s face.

                “What were you and Maverick talking about? Looked serious.”

                “Yeah, I guess It was.”

…             …             …

                “You’re looking awfully happy. Hot date?”

                “The hottest. I’m finally in North Island, and Bradley Bradshaw is finally in North Island…”

                “Did he finally agree to a date?” Phoenix asks, because they’d all known Jake had asked Bradley out when he’d been their instructor at Top Gun.

                “More than that. He’s meeting me here right… about… now…” Jake says, watching as Bradley pushes the door open and catches his eye. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Bradley in anything other than a suit or pajamas. And naked of course. Now he’s walking toward Jake and the jeans make his legs look endless, scoop necked tank revealing the start of his chest hair and an odd Hawaiian button-down shirt in muted colors. He looks so fucking good and Jake can’t wait to go home with him, tomorrow dedicated to resting before they flyout.

                “Jesus Bagman, try and be a little subtle, he’s going to think you’re only after him for one thing.”

                “He knows I’m not.”

                “Bradshaw, as I live and breathe…”

                “Jake. You look… good.”

                “Only good? Must be slipping…”

                Then he leans forward into Bradley’s space and they’re kissing, gentle-soft and he knows they’re getting looks, draws back, and turns to the watching crowd.

                “Everyone, you remember Dr Bradshaw.”

                “Bradley. Please, call me Bradley.”

                Despite the numerous sideways looks he gets Bradley slots right into the Daggers, hustles them all, including Jake, with his pool playing skills. Tells them off for underestimating someone who has a doctorate in physics and understanding the effect of spin on objects. He then turns to Jake, smile almost splitting his face;

                “You especially should know not to underestimate me, you know who raised me and likely taught me how to play…”

                “Of course he did…” Jake mutters, because one thing he’s learnt these last couple of weeks is to never underestimate Maverick Mitchell. And mentioning him like this means it’s obviously okay to mention their relationship to one another.

                “What’s he talking about?”

                “Maverick raised me, I think you’re familiar with him?” Bradley asks, tongue between his teeth and Jake doesn’t resist the urge to just lean forward and kiss him. He’s clearly enjoying being a bit of a dick and Jake is so here for it. As if they have one mind all the Dagger Squad swing to look at him.

                “What?” Javy asks, clearly the silently nominated speaker, and Javy has known about him messaging Bradley for the last few months, has been encouraging of it, happy for him.

                “Bradley here is the godson of our esteemed leader, Maverick.”

                There’s a couple of sideways looks and Jake licks his lips, realizes that some of them might be jumping to certain incorrect conclusions. Javy’s eyebrows are up in disbelief.

                “Tell them when I found out about that,” Jake says, because he’d been named wingman on Friday, which is only yesterday but also feels likes weeks ago, and it wasn’t because of this new relationship he has with Bradley.

                “Last night. Uh. Jake and Maverick were at my place at the same time… I hadn’t really told them about each other. Was a surprise all round.”

                “Ooohhh… that explains that talk you guys were having this morning. Was it a shovel talk?” Phoenix asked, and she looks hopeful.

                “Mav talked to you?” Bradley asks, looking concerned.

                “It wasn’t a shovel talk! But yes, he did talk to me, but it wasn’t a shovel talk. More like the opposite if anything…”

                “So… it’s just been this whole big coincidence?” Javy says, and he’s starting to grin now and Jake’s stomach sinks, because his best friend is about to throw him somewhere, under a bus or into a canyon… “Did Jake tell you about the time he and I picked Mav up and threw him out of here?”

                “Out of here? The Hard Deck?”

                “Yep,” Javy says, grinning, and the others are starting to grin too and Jake groans. Bradley looks delighted though, and he should have known.

                “When was this?”

                “A couple of weeks ago…”

                “Oh my god… that was you. I…” he cuts off abruptly and Jake realizes he was probably about to say Ice. “I heard about that. Not from Mav though. Someone else told me,” Bradley finishes, and Jake takes that as confirmation that it was definitely Iceman that had told him.

                Fucking hell.

                He freezes then, sudden realization dawning.

                He threw the husband of the COMPACFLT out of the Hard Deck onto his ass… And he’s alive and breathing.

                Okay.

                Maybe he doesn’t have to worry too much about breaking Bradley’s heart if he can do that to Maverick and suffer no consequence. At least none that he knows about anyway.

                Oh god, he cannot wait until Javy gets to have this same realization. He has to see that.

                “Yeah, didn’t do much for his post-ejection injuries apparently.”

                “Wait, what?”

                Bradley looks between them, purses his lips and then bites them, and Jake wonders if this is another thing that Bradley’s maybe not meant to mention. Fucking hell, no wonder Maverick wasn’t meant to be flying lead.

                “Nothing, it’s fine. Oh! Hey Aunt Penny…”

                “Bradley!” She greets, giving him a one-armed hug as she gathers empties. “Long time since you’ve been around here. What are you doing with this bunch of reprobates?”

                Almost as one the Daggers voice their displeasure, already distracted and Jake grins at her, expects a grin back, is instead given the coldest look he’s ever received and he straightens, wonders what he’s done to earn her displeasure because she’s been nothing but friendly before.

                “Do his parents know about you?” She asks, voice low enough Jake has to struggle to hear her.

                “Uh… I met them last night. So yes?”

                “Really?”

                “Maverick and, uh, the other one,” Jake offers, because he’d said he wouldn’t mention what he’d learnt, which is a little hard to do when Penny Benjamin is staring him down. Except she’s back to smiling at him, nodding her head.

                “Welcome to the family kid, look forward to seeing more of you.”

                Fuck he hopes so.

…             …             …

                They spend most of Sunday resting, and like on Friday night they don’t seem to want to stop touching one another. He’s okay with that, lets Jake press into him and hold himself as close he can in Bradley’s space. They do shower and dress for lunch with Mav and Ice. Then Jake takes a phone call with his family and Bradley sits with Mav, insists on a game of five-hundred to keep his mind off the hours ticking down to their departure. Ice has disappeared into his study and they both know it’s his own way of coping, keeping himself busy with work. He doesn’t need to say anything, he knows he can’t say anything. What he can do is spend time, so that’s what he does. With both the man he’s known his entire life, and the man he’s only recently let into his life. When Jake is off the phone they coax Ice out of his study and end up playing four-player five-hundred before deciding that Ice and Mav cannot be partners, their table talk far to subtle to be caught and Bradley is sick of them winning.

                At three in the morning he hears Jake‘s alarm go off, and he hopes Jake at least got more sleep than he did. He watches in silence as Jake slides out of bed and heads to the shower, comes out fully dressed and he sees Bradley watching him in the dimmed half-light.

                “I look forward to my welcome home, okay?”

                “You take care out there, you hear me?”

                “Always darlin’.”

                “That’s all I can ask.”

                The kiss Jake gives him is softly sweet.

                They don’t say goodbye.

PART TEN

[viviennevermillion]

Relationship Headcanons

notes: this was supposed to have 6 more characters but I decided to post it now and do the rest later. Third piece of writing today and I feel like I'm running on gasoline for humans.

contains: character x gn!reader, relationship headcanons

characters included: alhaitham, childe

warnings: none

Alhaitham:

Alhaitham is, unintentionally, hard to get and according to Kaveh even harder to want. Nevertheless, Alhaitham actually makes for a very great partner if you have captured his heart. 

To start with, he’s very upfront with you. He sees no point in concealing the way he feels or dragging out the process of confessing to you to unnecessary lengths. Of course, he’s not going to straight up walk up to you and tell you how he feels, but once he notices he has fallen in love with you, when the next opportunity presents itself he asks you out. 

“Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? As a date?”, he gives you that same warm smile he had when he told you he’d see you at the celebratory banquet that Nilou had organized and his tone stays polite but his care still shows just as much. 

Alhaitham wasn’t particularly nervous. He had known you for a while now and he wouldn’t have fallen for you if he had taken you for someone who’d give him reason to be anxious about what was intended to be a nice evening and the start of something good. He’s also rational and has a good sense of self-care; enough to be able to move on fast if you two wouldn’t work out; knowing it’d be the best for him. However, this also makes him unafraid of doing his best to make your first date as enjoyable for you as possible; hoping you’d stay by his side for a long time. Even if you’re nervous, Alhaitham can handle this and makes sure you warm up to the idea of being on a date with him fast and become more comfortable around him. He’s a calm presence, ready to reassure you that he’s considered you a good friend for quite a while now and that he will continue to do so even if your relationship evolves into something else. 

Alhaitham dresses casually but still elegantly for your first date, handing you a rose when you meet him.

For as much as he never cared about sugar-coating the truth, Alhaitham is very observant and has quite a good amount of emotional intelligence; probably more than people usually give him credit for. So he’s quick to pick up on what pace you’d prefer for the development of your relationship; whether you’re fine with a goodnight kiss after the two of you part or whether you’d like to give things more time. He adapts easily to your preferences and boundaries. 

Alhaitham is very honest with you; if he wants to be in a relationship with you; you’ll know at the latest by the end of your first date.

Dates with Alhaitham are usually spent having dinner or a nice picnic in a place he thought you might enjoy. You discuss all kinds of topics from his research as a scholar to your own passions to the future of Sumeru. Being able to hold a thoughtful and in-depth conversation with you for quite a while is one of the things that made him seek out your company over and over again. 

When he feels like the time is right, Alhaitham asks you if you’d like to be his partner. He’s very straightforward and calm, holding your hand and gently caressing your knuckles with his thumb as he waits for your answer. When you tell him that you’d love to, a smile finds its way onto his face and he gently pulls you in for a kiss.

A relationship with Alhaitham starts off with a long discussion about what’s important to you both, your boundaries and plans for the future. He makes sure not to overwhelm you, but before Alhaitham commits to you he wants to make sure the two of you are compatible and that both of you can expect the relationship to be fulfilling for you.

Alhaitham himself doesn’t need a lot of affection or attention, but he enjoys it whenever he’s on the receiving end. He makes sure to give you the affection and love you need, in the ways that work best for you. 

He never leaves for work without giving you a goodbye kiss and he’s happy to pull you into his arms at the end of a stressful day. 

When he sees things he remembers you liked, he often gets you a little gift to see your smile. 

When looking back on your time together, what makes Alhaitham smile the most are those little idle moments that make him feel like you’ve been together for a century. The way he kisses your forehead gently and pats your head when you achieve something you’re proud of. The times you’ve both spent cooking dinner together in his kitchen, helping each other out and talking about your day. Walking the streets of Sumeru; holding hands as you select groceries to buy or look at the products the vendors are selling; picking up lunch at the tavern on the way. How Alhaitham would be there for all your big moments to support you and you would for him in turn; walking home together at the end of the day as the street lights illuminate Alhaithams fond expression when he looks at you and reminisces about how far you had come together. You don’t even notice the way he’s looking at you as your attention is directed towards the stars in the night sky, wondering what else the future holds in store for both of you.

Loving Alhaitham feels like he’s always somewhat unreachable before you get together; and like you’ve been married for 30 years, but you still consider him your best friend, after you’ve started dating. Loving Alhaitham is a series of idle moments; of knowing another person is your home that you can rest at when the sun sets, no matter what the day throws at you.

You know in Alhaitham you have found a partner who will always support you through hard times, albeit in his own way. What he lacks in emotional support he makes up for with solutions and acts of service. When you need comfort, he simply holds you for as long as you need it and then suggests doing something together to take your mind off things. He’d read a book to you or take a walk with you, hoping you’d feel better soon enough. 

Arguments happen very rarely but when they do, they usually get resolved with civil discussion and compromises, as long as you’re ready to talk things out. Alhaitham remains calm on the outside, focusing on sorting things out with you. 

Alhaitham is an aquired taste but he’s easy to love if you can live with his many quirks and find a way to make it work together. It takes a long time for him to fall in love but when he does, he intends to make it last.

Childe:

When Childe falls in love with you, he becomes quite flirty. He always makes sure not to overstep any lines, though. He doesn’t hold back on the compliments either. If he thinks you look beautiful today or he appreciates your passion for something, he’ll tell you.

You might think he’s just like that because the flirty demeanor fits a lot with his typical laid-back personality and the way he often seems carefree but with time you notice that you’re really the only person he flirts with. And that he genuinely seems to like you.

His first time asking you out is when he challenges you into a fight. Considering he’s in love with you, he goes a little easy on you but he won’t just let you win either. He’s like “the loser has to buy the other dinner” so regardless of who wins the fight, you end up in a small tavern with Childe sitting across from you and it’s starting to dawn on you that this was intended to be a date.

“I quite like you, you know?”, he smiles at you, gently linking his fingers with yours once he notices you seem to be enjoying the date so far. He’ll be honest with you about the fact that he likes you, since he prefers to know the answers to his questions right away and doesn’t want to be left second-guessing about whether he has a shot with you.

Dates with Childe are never boring. Of course he keeps the serious harbinger stuff a secret, but he has no problem telling you about a lot of the funnier moments he experienced while being part of the Fatui. He tells you about the harbinger banquets, about his colleague’s quirks, the fights he had...

He knows he lives quite the dangerous life so he’d understand if you wanted to take a step back but he would always make sure to protect you from harm. 

Once you’re officially together, Childe introduces you to his family. He brings you over for dinner and you learn that he’s already told them all about you. You can tell he’s a little awkward about it, since he doesn’t know how the evening is gonna go but his family loves you and you two often play together with his younger siblings. He sometimes likes to playfully tease them, so they’re delighted when you chuck a snowball at your boyfriend instead, taking their side. Childe acts offended, but enjoys how you’re making his younger siblings laugh. He’s willing to take a few snowball hits for that.

But just as happy as spending time with both you and his family makes him, he’s glad once he gets to be alone with you again as well. He’ll ask you about your impressions of his siblings and is relieved when you enjoyed the day just as much as he did. “They can be quite a handful sometimes, but they’re good kids. I suppose I’m not one to talk either....I was probably the worst”, he chuckles and wraps his arms around your waist as you both look into the mirror. “We’re pretty cute together, don’t you think?”, he smiles and presses a kiss to your cheek, “you’re almost as adorable as me.” This results in you chucking a pillow at him and ends in a playful fight followed up with some exhausted kisses. 

What Childe values most about your relationship is the understanding and acceptance he receives from you. That you know what he’s like, know his past and the uglier parts of his work; and still choose to be with him and love him. In turn, he tries to keep you out of the dangerous waters he thrives in and make your life together as normal as possible.

He’d love to fight anyone who causes trouble for you. If you hold him back, he respects that. Though he always tries to impress you with his fighting skills either way. Whenever he gets stronger, he first looks towards your reaction. He adores when you appreciate him for his battle prowess. 

He’d definitely take you ice-fishing. When you agree to go with him, he’s like “wow, that’s going to be great...just the two of us in the cold night...” He makes sure you’re warm throughout the whole thing. Snezhnaya’s snowy landscapes can be brutal if you’re unprepared and Childe wants you to have fun, not freeze to death. He’ll warm you up himself if necessary. He makes a little campfire for you and befitting for the occasion, the two of you grill the fish he caught last time over the fire. “Just you wait, I’m going to catch us a whole sea-dragon this time!”, he boasts as he prepares the fishing rod, “I’ll wrestle that thing if I have to. I’m getting all fired up just thinking about it.” He hears you laugh. “This is a lake. I doubt you’re going to find a sea-dragon in here.” “Let a man dream, would you!” Of course he lets you try to catch something yourself plenty of times and he gets a little bit pouty if you actually catch a bigger fish than him. But you can soothe him with a soft kiss to his lips. 

As much as Childe tends to get in (and out) of trouble frequently and seems quite enthusiastic and motivated most of the time, in contrast he actually prefers for your affection to be more relaxing and gentle. He loves holding you in his arms whenever he has some spare time and he enjoys kisses without hurry or expectations. His favorite are slow and long kisses, just indulging you for a while and being able to relax and melt into your touch. Though he absolutely does not mind to be surprised with a kiss as well. Catch him off guard and it always manages to make him smile.

Overall, Childe readily accepts you into his family and tries to keep you away from the harbinger business. He values the bond you share a lot. He likes to let loose in battle and on missions and enjoys coming home to you at the end of the day and slow down; relaxing while holding you in his arms. 

[jpitha]

Table of Contents!

Hi Everyone! I'm jpitha!

I write sci-fi shorts and stories! I have a few universes that I like to write about, mostly so I can keep worldbuilding straight. I post here and on r/HFY (a scifi writing focused reddit) and I've been trying out posting links back to here on Threads.

I like to post nearly every day. My longer works usually get posted once or twice a week, but I try and fill out the week with other stuff.

Since I have a bunch of posts now, here's a ToC to help you find the kind you want to read, broken out roughly by theme:

Multi-Part Long Reads

The Race (2 parts) First long one I did and the first time I introduced a K'laxi. I edited it from its original post as I learned more about them. Complete

Blockade Runner (2 parts) Might come back to this one later

Awakenings (4 parts, Intertwined with Hidden Depths) Complete

We Need a Ride (7 parts, 2 Codas stuff in Awakenings and Hidden Depths references it) Complete

Hidden Depths A Multi POV Adventure about when everyone on the Joint Human/K'laxi Starbase comes together to defeat an invasion force with the help of a long lost colony ship. (27, plus extra parts, Intertwined with Awakenings) Complete

Just A Little Further YA Flavored, first person adventure about Melody Mullen and what happens when she goes along on an exploratory trip to try and reach the end of the Warp Gate system. (40 parts) Complete

The Dreams of Hyacinth Cyberpunk Noir. Nicholas North is a easygoing small time crook who lives on the Corporation owned High Mars Orbital Hyacinth. When he is asked by a friend for some help, he agrees readily, not realizing what he's getting drawn into. Ongoing

Aliens are Gardenworlders

I want to live on the Gardenworld

Tumbling on a low gee world

Diary of a Human on the Gardenworld

Spacediving

Gord the Maplelegger

Gord's Tall Tale

On Lawbreaking

Gord Goes Curling

Gord Meets His Match?

Worldbuilding

Blockade Runner (redux)

Avoid Humans are Mary-Sue's

Remember that your Aliens aren't idiots

The Fire Brigade

Starjumper age

On AIs

How to Communicate Across Vast Distances

Working out the Day/Time/Date differential

The Real World is Messy

Humans Are Old (friends)

Humans get fevers

How to Communicate Across Vast Distances

Hidden Depths: A Side Story

On Cooperation

Did AIs Ever Think to Wipe Out Humanity?

The First Few Rows Will Get Wet

Slice of Life Stories

The Cyclists

Acetone is bad?

Gene's High Gee Gym

Hospitality

K'laxi and Human kids playing

Office Cookies

Humans and their Hobbies

All Human Ships Have a Manual Override

Allergies

Liver and Kidneys mean we eat anything

Frisbee tricks

Risk Tolerance

The Dinner Party

The Long Way Round

Humans Solve Problems With Explosions

Humans Play Wargames

Everyone has Proprioception

K'laxi Used to Run on All Fours

Humans Still Solve Problems With Explosions

Tattoos and Piercings

Ambassador Transport

Just One Question

Lin Makes Art

Bar fight Aftermath

K'laxi and Cats

Do it With Style

Upgrading Starbase

How are AIs Powered Anyway?

Computing Power (edited)

Outside the K'laxiverse posts

Humans and their computers

Who Is The Human?

Throwing

Mating Rituals

Hunting

Determination

Lateral Thinking

Catching

Oxygen Ain't Nothing to Mess With

Flash Fiction Friday Posts

FFF187 - You Can't Be Serious

FFF189 - Because You Need It

FFF191 - We're On Our Way

FFF200 - It's Just a Walk for You?

Encyclopedia Posts

Humans Make Friends with Anything

Human Kids Make Friends Easily

Humans Make an Entrance

Humans bring Busking

War Emergency Power

On Starjumpers and Battle

War Stories

A Matter of Scale

Just Another Merc

Time to Go

Gotcha! (or is it?)

Inter-Colony War

Always Ready

The Sacrifice

Relationship Stories

K'laxi Can Eat Waffles

Peripheral Vision

Dancing

Flirting through exercise

Nilan and Ta'reni learn about timekeeping

The Big Game

Heart to Heart

YA-esque Stories

Water Balloon War

The Birthday Surprise

Kelly and Panemi look at kittens

[raining-tulips]

hi! i just found your blog :) love your commonplace book scans! if you don’t mind me asking, could you give a more in-depth explanation of what commonplacing is exactly and what your process is? i’m intrigued and considering getting into it but i wouldn’t even know where to start! thanks a lot xx

Absolutely! So my commonplace is specifically all movies, qoutes, articles, tumblr/Instagram posts, book excerpts, etc. that either resonated with me or I think I'll want to reference later. That is the heart of what common placing is - saving things for later physically rather than digitally.

Some of these just pop up in my feed, and I'll hit the like or save button. If it's an article, it usually first pops up as a preview on my Instagram and I'll open the full article on my desktop than bookmark it in a specific folder for common placing.

Sometimes, when I want to actively find something out (say, about if perfume is really bad for the environment, or I want to look at author interviews because I just loved a book) I will go out and search for that information.

Then, usually once a week I compile everything I'd like to print - i print the sources bc my handwriting is messy - into a word document formatted for two columns. I try and hold off printing until i have a full page worth, or two full page worth.

For images, I have another word document (these are printed in color, and i usually have to jigsaw to fit as many images on the page as possible, so different word document). Same thing, I try and wait until I have a full page to print. Usually x2 a month. I sometimes will print with an HP sprocket but the quality is really bad and the pictures are thick so, it's for when I'm out of printer ink or I think a photo will look okay with a sorta...uneven look.

I use just a Staples brand journal, TruRed. Cheap and easy. I draw a line at the top so I can write the date, and in the future if I want to tag it with a colored sticker or something, I can. My layouts usually include divided space on either the left or right of a page. The article goes in the bigger open space, and then the source (always write your source!!) and any commentary goes in the smaller margins.

Commentary is usually why I wanted to print it, what it reminds me of or makes me think about, etc. What I think the argument was missing, etc. Can be as little or as much as you like. As emotional and deep or as plain-jane as you like. There are no rules!

I trim printed text and images with a 12 inch trimmer bc I've got wobbly hands, but some people just use a little (blanking on the name) exacto knife? Any 12 inch trimmer will do mine is expensive but I also scrapbook so I use it all the time.

I paste things in using a tape runner (again, because I scrapbook and found a tape runner and my mom sells scrapbook supplies they're very accessible to me). Some people use tape, washi tape, glue sticks (liquid glue I've never seen).

And yeah, then I just decorate and play around. It doesn't have to be pretty. It can be really pretty if you want - I'm motivated by aesthetics, so, I like mine to be a little pretty.

If you'd like to see how I actually put it together and why I print certain things, my YouTube channel is the place to go.

Some people tape in movie tickets, receipts from where they shopped or ate, pictures from daily life. Some people mix common-placing and journaling, so including diary entries about their day or about a topic they love, or their thoughts and feelings (I keep mine in a separate journal, explained in this video). Some people mix common-placing with bullet journal or planning. Some combine all three!

At the end I just use a printer scanner (HP Envy 5500, cheap) and post them online that way bc I love the look.

People who have other styles you might try and look at are @petite-gloom (an OG who inspired me and many others) @fakelavender , @teddybearsticker .

[le-trash-prince]

Em, I came into the whole 'Benz-Garfield are desperate to get paired and/or make KimKenta happen' thing halfway through and I feel like I'm still desperately playing catch-up. Congratulations to them on making Part A happen and good luck with Part B, though! But in the interests of me continuing to play catch-up on this whole fascinating process, do you know if there's a timeline of events or a tiktok folder or *something* out there to help me piece together when all of this properly took off and when Benz in particular decided to go full unhinged with it?

Thanks for your help!

Anon if you weren't watching Pit Babe as it aired, I hope you are prepared for the emotional roller coaster that happens when you are waiting every week to see if Kim and Kenta even get screentime together. I felt like I was watching the last several episodes of Pit Babe on a fever high.

I am actually working on a timeline, but it’s not fully cohesive nor complete yet, since there’s simply so much to sift through on multiple social media platforms, and no platform has a perfect search function. It also doesn’t yet include social media posts where they were simply just… flirting with each other, but all the social media posts on the blog should at least be dated.

If you want to go through things more quickly, the archive page has a tag filter (one of my favorite tumblr features), and you can swap in any tag you like in the url, since the dropdown only lists featured tags.

It’s also hard to pinpoint a single moment when Benz decided to go unhinged with it, since he’s been pushing it from pretty early on. There also aren’t any dedicated translators in BenzGarfield fandom who are fluent in both Thai and English, so we either get machine translations or translations that are few and far between. There's also a lot of old posts that have been deleted, or accounts that have gone private, so even just the act of gathering everything is an effort, let alone organizing it into a big picture.

Here's what I can give as a highlight timeline though.

They met in late 2022 (Love Fest Thailand in November or December I think, I couldn't find pics, but I did just watch an old interview last night where they talk more in depth on their first impressions, which I plan on recording and uploading, but Garfield said something that can be paraphrased to the extent of "Do people this friendly and charming exist in real life?")

Benz was mingling with Change2561 actors, but they officially became coworkers in Feb 2023 when they were both cast in Pit Babe

Boys Journey started filming very shortly after—I don’t have a sharp timeline but the range is sometime from Feb to May. Benz was already going at it in Boys Journey (“BenzGarfield forever” - ep 10), when they ostensibly didn’t know their roles or if they’d be put in an actual ship (they were somewhat rotated around with ppl until later in Boys Journey, when I imagine the staff had chemistry based partnerships in mind)

In March, Garfield said he would choose Benz to flirt with out of all the cast.

By August, Benz was asking Garfield to take his last name 🤷‍♂️ (but Garfield keeps trying to take Benz's first name instead)

There was a lot going on while Pit Babe was filming (Sept-Nov). They were excited about filming the two whole scenes they had together, they tweeted about it the night before, they were improvising what communication between Kenta and Kim might be like, Benz was visiting set even when he didn't have any scenes (albeit likely for the free food, but keeping Garfield company while Charlie fakes his death is a nice bonus)

I haven’t been able to find it again (yet)(thank you YT’s horrible search function) but there was a livestream last year where Benz talked about Kenta calling Kim and inviting him to Thailand, which… never happened, so I can only assume they were at the point of making things up (which actors sometimes do when they need a better grip on a character), and probably explains the really loaded look they gave each other in the elevator, bc to them there had been more interactions between their characters.

The first event they did together (outside of full-cast stuff) was the RealMe sponsorship in September 2023, but it was presented as Garfield & Benz (didn’t stop Benz from once again asking Garfield to take his name). The first time (that I’m aware of) that they had an event with their ship name was the GarfieldBenz x Central Rayong event in December 2023. Filming was completed in November, so they obviously had known for a while that KimKenta weren’t a couple, but that wasn’t going to stop them from bickering over which of their characters would like the other first

In February, they were posting really shippy stuff right before the Pit Babe finale, which felt like queerbaiting at the time, but we didn’t know that Long Beans was being planned (they would begin the physio workshop a month later), so I think this was either a “we’re excited we get to play a ship but can’t say anything yet” or a “staff hasn’t made up their minds on casting us so let’s just show some potential.”

Also at the finale in February, Garfield said he wanted to be Kim's faen.

By the time Long Beans was announced in March and they were officially announced as BenzGarfield, there was no holding back, especially on the KimKenta front. Benz made a fuss during Long Beans presscon about them not getting any screentime together, and during the Changing event in April they talked about going to the writers and begging for KimKenta/KentaKim.

Anytime they're asked about S2, they're vague about it, and I imagine they will be until we see something onscreen (they have to keep me desperate and foaming at the mouth), but they have expressed that they want to continue working as screen partners for a long time. If KimKenta happens I don't think anyone will be happier than those two.

I hope this helps, anon! Trying to capture and organize all of their moments is a daily task, and it sometimes feels like I am Sisyphus.

[gold-rhine]

a little while ago you made a down with the cis bus post about scara killing teppei!! would u mind going a little deeper into how the inazuman archon quest was flawed? i think it'd be interesting :]

asdfghjk listen, that post wasn't actually a Critique, i just thought it's funny and if teppei has to die from scara's actions, we might as well both support trans wrongs and make it fun, i don't actually hate teppei or think he was the real archon quest problem haha

i would like to finish replaying inazuma questline before writing anything in depth, but things which are obvious already:

1.pacing is GARBAGE. it goes from slow to too quick to too slow to wayyy too quick to stopping in its tracks to force u on a date with ayaka on gunpoint, than again way too quick through rebellion parts. and like i'm not an ayaka hater and i know her fans love that quest, but it should've been just a separate story quest like all others. it has NOTHING to do with the story. At least Yoimiya's is connected, though I'd either separate it too or trim the fat on it a lot, but ayaka's is just what feels like several hours of meandering bullshit. i had to wait 10 minutes of real time to make cheese to make her pizza and it was just the start

2.because we had to waste hours going on dates, rebellion part moves at breakneck speed when it tries to do too many things at once: it wants to endear and make you care about common rebellion soldiers, it wants to make you feel like you're earned respect and command position of your team by them giving u trials, it wants to have a cool battle where kokomi is shown to be smart, and it wants to have fatui schemes with delusion effects shown developing gradually via teppei.

what ends up happening is that we do a lot of fetch quests, the battl is not properly set up so it ends up feeling small, and kokomi is shown kinda stupid instead of genius strategist.

3.more on kokomi. kokomi's only triumph is the win of that one battle, but its invalidated in hindsight bc she won by hiring mercenaries, but she hired them using money she blindly accepted, and they ended up being fatui's and it lead to the delusion crisis. like she didn't win bc of any great strategies, she won bc she was bankrolled and manipulated by fatui.

i think what they should have done is first of all, cut ayaka hostage situation, have the battle happen IMMEDIATELY as we arrive, have kokomi win by being brilliant and using her fish as spies or whatever, then combine the "endear and make you care about common rebellion soldiers" (rn happens before battle when u go with teppei around) and "make you feel like you're earned respect and command position of your team by them giving u trials" (now happens after trial when kokomi gives u swordfish team). teppei should just be a loser in swordfish team instead of wasting all that time at the start. then have a SECOND battle (it's a fucking war and we barely fight rn) and thats where fatui setup can happen. this way we establish kokomi as great strategist independent of fatui, make the bonding with rebellion more focused, have more cool action, and fatui schemes are still included.

4. raiden fans dont interact, biggest inazuma problem is raiden woobyfycation at the eleventh hour that immediately disregards both consequences of her actions and other character arcs, but also makes her seem as the dumbest jock in teyvat. instead of her having coherent vision, its just oh its her twin who was smart, raiden herself just didn't know that ppl have feelings, this is why she knowingly let fatui start civil war. but i think i'll talk about it later when i finish the whole inazum

[biolizardboils]

Hooray for Captain Underpants: The Unnecessarily In-Depth Writeup

Ages ago, Pilkey.com entered its golden era... the era of Flash content! From about 2003 to 2006, the site was blessed with a new layout, a jukebox, music videos, a LOT of games, and a banner adorned with different characters whenever you refreshed the page! The last thing doesn’t load in the Wayback Machine but trust me it was cool

Most of this stuff has thankfully been preserved, from YouTube reposts early on to those sites with hundreds of stolen games, to archivists scrambling just before Flash died in 2020. One of the early migrators, and the possibly the site’s star attraction, was a simple song with an accompanying animation.

Before George and Harold asked what could possibly go wrong... before Weird Al helped make Dav’s decade... before the Koji Matsumoto songs that I never listened to as a kid because the thumbnails scared me... only one song could encapsulate what these books stood for. Subsequently, only one video could provide an extended glimpse of Pilkey’s wacky world, in full motion and full color. 

I’m talking, of course, about Hooray for Captain Underpants.

In this post, I’ll be covering everything to be gleaned about its production and discussing its potential impact on future CU adaptations. Why? Because the Movie won this poll by exactly 1 point! @bestanimatedmovie​ let me know if you’d like me to stop interfering in your tournament lol.

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According to the site’s New Stuff page, both the song and video were added on January 5th, 2005. The Free Music page lists its copyright date as 2004, however. It seems the song was created first, then held back until the accompanying video was ready a year later.

Speaking of copyright, I'd like to shine a spotlight on everyone who contributed to this gift to humanity! First, the song:

Produced, Written and Performed by Josh Katz.

This guy’s perpetual voice-crack and rap-adjacent stylings make up most of the Extra-Crunchy CD O’ Fun. Outside of that, he’s better known as Rappy McRapperson, a tongue-in-cheek “gangster” act active from 1999 to 2017. I won’t be linking to his music since it's all rather... off-color; look them up at your own risk. I’m not sure how Dav found the guy and now I’m afraid to ask

Beat by Ben Petty.

Petty seems to have contributed music (and his garage) to the Rappy act. The only info I can find on him is tied to Rappy, so again, no links.

Children's Chorus: Mrs. Dean's Music Class.

Imagine having been in this class, your youthful voice immortalized for the ages! Where are these students now, I wonder? If only one of them spoke about it in a random subreddit or something...

Additional Vocals: Elizabeth Dean.

Besides the slim chance of one of her students having the same last name, this was probably the music teacher. I have an inkling on what “role” she plays in the song, but that’s for later.

The video lists two more parties:

Animation by Wetland Animation

Googling this name only supplies animations of wetlands, but I might have found them under a different name. At the bottom of the home page, the site’s redesign is credited to both Dav and an “Eyeland Studio”. There’s an archive of their site from around the same timeframe, and whaddya know!

Directed by Scott Hamlin

This guy is the first (and only) name on Eyeland’s Contacts page! Well, not specifically Eyeland’s—apparently that’s just one of three branches of a bigger subsidiary named Games In A Flash? But this is an infodump about Captain Underpants, not the Flash industry, so

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On to the actual song and video! I’ll be using this 4K remaster for reference. (And it’s a stellar remaster, might I add—judging from ancient videos of the original, every single asset and animation error is still intact!)

The first few shots include two villains getting inconvenienced in amusing ways—a bold directing decision, I must say. More seriously, I’d like to point out Prof. Poopypants’s color scheme here. It actually lines up with the two (yes, two) he has on the cover of Book 4!

He wears a muted blue suit on the front cover (at least in early editions) and a purple one on the back cover. Here, he’s wearing the blue suit and the frames of his glasses are purple. Coincidence? Yeah, probably, but it’s cool to know he had a two-outfit thing going on way before the Movie.

First off, nobody walks like this. Second off, what kind of school has searing mint green walls? Sorry, it’s just... not the color I had in mind for Jerome Horwitz lol. Anyway, here come the lyrics!

[GEORGE] Uh-oh.

[HAROLD] Here we go again!

Ah, the classic lines! Not much to say here, but keep the Boys’ voices in mind.

Wedgie Woman has the smoothest animation in the whole video for some reason. (The perks of being a girlboss, I guess?) Her scene is a highly kinetic bit of slapstick, too—it makes me wish I knew how to make good GIFs.

Meet George and Harold! They pull pranks and stuff! They're cool (COOL!) And they're mischievous!

Yes they are 💙 Also lol at “Gym teachers smell like stinky toilets”—I wonder what the sign said earlier.

Krupp has a skin-colored line floating over his arm, and the walls drift to the left at the end of this shot. But also, Harold’s hair does a funny little bounce when they notice Krupp! Plusses and minuses, I guess?

Meet Mr. Krupp! He's not nice, he's mean! That was, until the day  he saw a Hypno-Ring!

... 🎵 and now you know the plot! 🎵

[CHORUS] [x2] Underpants, underpants, I like Captain Underpants! Underpants, underpants, Hooray for Captain Underpants!

The phrase “hooray for Captain Underpants” showed up often in the earlier books, usually in the Boys’ comics. 

The syllables of “underpants” snap into place as the chorus sings them—almost like waistbands! Also, Captain’s antics here correspond with specific Book covers, and the background’s colors change to match! For Chorus #1 we have, in order: purple for Book 3, orange-on-yellow for Book 4, turquoise for Book 2, and blue for Book 1! (Not sure about the shot of him running towards the camera though.)

He flies up high in the air—he's not scared (Woosh!) Captain Underpants likes wearing underwear! He also likes fighting crime (Pssh!) Evil-doers beware, ‘cause it's superhero time!

I'm just noticing this but what happened to the Dandelion of Doom here sdfghjk?? Is this a placeholder graphic that got left in? It looks much more book-accurate later in the video, which makes this even funnier.

And the lifestyle gets pretty rough (AAAH!) You gotta spend a lot of time fighting mean stuff like Talking Toilets and Professor Poopypants (Pssh!) When you're done, you do a little victory dance!

This part kills me cus Poopypants was literally just standing there vkhjg. He even seems to sigh in resignation before the underwear hits!

[INSTRUMENTAL] Do the Wedgie Wiggle! [INSTRUMENTAL]

In the Hall of the Mountain King, babyyy! This scene is just the Underpants Dance Flip-O-Ramas from Book 7, but with extra frames—and it looks amazing! The four bad guys scowling at Captain in the background are the icing on top!

Good lord, that’s like, highlighter yellow. Seriously, who painted this school?

OH NO! The world's in trouble again (AAAH!) The lunchroom lady really IS an alien!

Fair warning: if a Second Epic Movie ever happens and they confirm the Alien!Edith thing, I will post this part but bass-boosted to obscene levels.

And it's all for... thrills and laffs!

I was promised Action, Thrills, and Laffs—where’s the Action?? For shame, video! I want a refund!

[GIRL]  Captain Underpants, can I get your autograph?

About that inkling I mentioned earlier: I think Mrs. Dean may have voiced Autograph Girl here! Her voice sounds the slightest bit older than the chorus singers, and that’s my only point of evidence, but I can’t think of any other reason for that Additional Voices credit.

[CAPTAIN] Tra-la-laaaaa! (Woosh!)

[RANDOM GUY] COOL!

Captain Underpants should fly by MY school!

You and me both, Josh! I say despite no longer being in school Also I always felt bad that Captain just... flew off lol, I like to think that girl got his autograph later.

Bad guys and crime sprees, they don't even care— Now they stop in the name of underwear!

This part is great dfghj. The smoothness, the Boys’ >:) look, the little detail of Booger Boy sniffling, I love it.

Hitting robots in the face and poking evil in the eye (Poink!) It's very fun when you defeat crime!

If any British people read this, I’ve got a question: I know Dr. Diaper was renamed Dr. Nappy over there, but does that apply to the Movie too? Like, when Captain namedrops him near the end, did they have Ed Helms rerecord the line, or is he still called Dr. Diaper? 

[GIRL] I wish I could do it all day long!

That's why all day long, you listen to this song about—

You bet your Poopypants I do!

[CHORUS] [x2]

Chorus #2 introduces two more scenes of Captain fighting Poopypants and the Dandelion of Doom. The Poopypants one is based on a Flip-O-Rama, and while making this post I thought the Dandelion one was, too. I checked Book 3 while wrapping up and turns out I was Mandela Effect-ing myself, but, like, it’d make for a good Flip-O-Rama, right? Here, I even made a mock-up of what I “remembered”.

Also when Captain flies up in this scene, there’s a green dot where he stops (possibly to mark his position for the animators). Have fun un-seeing that!

[PROF. P] I’LL GET YOU, CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS!

I’m guessing Josh voices Poopypants here. This and Go Poopypants are kinda weird to listen to in a post-Movie world. Pour one out to parents and teachers who read these books aloud, I imagine kids get sad if they don’t do Zee Accent. (I know I would.)

Now the day's been saved and peace has been restored— Captain Underpants isn't needed anymore (Awww!)

PERISH THE THOUGHT. Must one be “needed” to justify their presence? Do people not exist beyond the services they perform?? Captain is a good and happy and fun guy and I love him and he should be allowed to stay!

Anyway, look at this pile of assorted bad guys! We can see, from left to right and from bottom to top: Either the Booger Boy or the Robo-Boogers, Dr. Diaper, The Harold 2000, Wedgie Woman, Dr. Diaper’s robots, the Dandelion of Doom, the two burglars from Book 1, one of the Alien Lunch Ladies, and... 

...The Inedible Hunk?? He’s an interesting pick, since he’s comic-exclusive and never comes to exist in “reality” like the others. This was his sole color appearance for 8 years until the In Full Color editions; he’s green there as opposed to yellow here. I think he looks suitably gross in both, though.

He's your pal, but also he's your PRINCI-pal! Sometimes he's ridiculous, sometimes inVINCI-bal!

Krupp’s toupee just falls in from nowhere here lol. I like to think it got stuck to the ceiling after flying off at the start of the video.

But now, he's gotta enforce the rules By being mean, and being not cool So it's back to school life with a paper and pen, but then—

I called Katz’ stuff rap-adjacent earlier, but I’ll admit this part is pretty fire.

Poor kid, about to get his yo-yo confiscated... In this moment, I’d gladly follow that sign’s instruction.

[GEORGE] Uh-oh.

[HAROLD] Here we go again!

You know how I said to keep the Boys’ voices in mind? Now, go find a clip from Epic Tales (or just use this) and listen to them there. You might find that they sound similar, despite being made thirteen years apart! Maybe DreamWorks had this video in mind when picking the show’s voice cast? Before the Movie and Epic Tales, Pilkey.com’s Flash videos were the only full-color, fully-animated CU Things for ages—I’d be surprised if they didn’t use them as references. 

More possible evidence: Harold’s shirt colors! They fluctuated a lot until the Movie and Epic Tales settled on green stripes. In fact, his default shirt in Epic Tales resembles the one he wears in this video!

[CHORUS] [x2]

Thus ends the music video ever: with a wink and... whatever this shot is!

What more is there to say? Besides some mashups and this amazing trap remix, this song’s legacy is an understated one. Pilkey.com has seen multiple redesigns since then, eventually retiring its Flash content; two new, higher-budget theme songs were made, and it’s hard to compete with Weird Al himself. Yes, Hooray’s time in the spotlight is long over, and it’s probably too late to reach out to anyone involved in its creation. After all, who’s gonna laud a potty-themed Flash video as their claim to fame?

Surprisingly, that question has an answer. And the answer is (drumroll please)... this Redditor!

This has been an unnecessarily in-depth write-up about Hooray for Captain Underpants—thanks so much for reading this far! For my closing remarks, I’d like to plug that one trap remix again, discovering it made me die of laughter

Say hello to a former member of Mrs. Dean’s Music Class! (Except don’t actually go bother them about this, please respect their privacy.) I found this by complete accident last year and saved it to share here later, and now’s as good a time as any! I suggest that we heed their command and start worshipping them immediately!

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[sonkitty]

The Ball Invitations Checklist

(For reference: The Ball Invitations Mini-game)

The linked reference above is a little dated since my understanding of the rules and touches is a little different. Still, it goes over the basic ideas, so that's why I still linked it.

This post's title is in reference to a checklist for me, not the one Aziraphale has on his clipboard. I would call it a coincidence, but I'm probably taking some subconscious cue from the games to do it, so whatever.

...

The Ball Invitations are like a mini-game that Aziraphale and Crowley play in preparation for the ball.

Aziraphale's inviting the humans to a "meeting," and Crowley to the "bookshop."

Crowley is inviting the humans to his supernatural zone that will form as the ball starts. Theoretically.

I cannot figure out all the rules, but I do believe such rules are there, so here are my notes. This piece is more of a shared checklist I'm publishing since I will be going over the invitations more in-depth with the series of posts I've been making for the Sideburns Scheme.

One of the basic ideas in play with this mini-game is that Aziraphale and Crowley are working together separately. That is to say, they are playing this game together and apart at the same time.

The pockets obfuscate this play, which is one of the reasons an audience player is supposed to pay attention to the pockets.

...

Aziraphale:

Aziraphale must invite 5 humans on camera to the meeting. There is a special 6th invitation for Crowley to the bookshop that is going to change these rules.

Aziraphale must do all of the talking, of him and Crowley, during the actual inviting.

Aziraphale is not allowed to talk to Crowley during the actual inviting.

Aziraphale is required to look at Crowley at least once.

Three invitations are done in English, and two are done in a foreign language. Those done in a foreign language have a different level of fluency.

Possible new find of a rule: Aziraphale must have a visual, illusionary touch over Crowley sometime during the invitation.

...

When Aziraphale speaks in English:

He is not allowed to say "Hello" or its variations.

He is not allowed to say the name of a person he is inviting or anyone else who will be at the ball.

He can only ask a question if he nullifies it by answering that question.

The numbers stated must be years. That suggests years might not count as numbers or are at least acceptable here.

He must say the full name of the meeting on the first invitation and then at least two words that are not "meeting" for the other two invitations (where he speaks in English).

He must say the words "meeting" and "tonight" sometime during the invitation.

With the above rules, Aziraphale is dependent on his physical touches to the two earthly objects he has with him compared to the usual dialogue options, in terms of what points he earns during the invitation.

...

When Aziraphale speaks in a foreign language:

Aziraphale is not dependent on the physical touch of the two earthly objects he has with him. Instead, he is dependent on his use of a foreign language and dialogue options in the foreign language.

When he is speaking more fluently to Mrs. Cheng, the subtitles do include that he says "meeting" and "tonight," suggesting he was following the same rule for speaking in English above.

Both Mrs. Cheng and Justine say the words, "Street Traders".

...

Crowley:

Crowley will have his own special invitation later that will change up some of these rules.

Crowley is not allowed to talk once Aziraphale has started talking for the invitation until after the invitation is essentially accepted and done with the person being invited no longer on camera at least once.

Crowley is required to look at Aziraphale at least once.

Okay, here is the really tricky and uncertain part.

Crowley is required to have something like the following:

-Earthly object touch

-Self-skin-contact touch

-Self-clothing touch

-Self-mouth touch

-Pocket touch or pocket made

-Cross

-There should be a partial shadow or reflection of Crowley somewhere.

-Light should be reflected in Crowley's sunglasses at least once.

The pocket, cross, shadow, and reflection are new.

Last time around, I just assumed pockets were used sometimes as an assist to get the other things done. They probably still do, but I also think they are required.

I'm not as sure about the "cross" part, but given the times I do see it, I thought it worth mentioning. A "cross" can mean folded arms.

I happened to notice certain shadows and reflections while drafting this checklist.

Mrs. Cheng's invitation is very confusing, so it's either allowed to bend or break these rules or, more likely, is just plain too advanced for me to understand it.

Because of the "no talking" rule, that means that for the self-skin-contact and self-clothing touch, Crowley sometimes, questionably, requires additional earthly object touches to support each type of self touch.

I wouldn't think the self-mouth touches require it, but I'll note that possibility since I have a spare earthly object touch in the list. I can't figure out everything here, obviously.

The human being invited might compensate for something Crowley seems to be missing during a given invitation.

...

Both:

Aziraphale and Crowley are not allowed to talk to each other.

They are supposed to be seen as together, mostly through the looks they make sure to give each other during the invitations.

No one is allowed to say this meeting is going to be a ball.

They need to properly manage getting both a "correct" and "wrong" sides view.

They can receive assistance from background humans, likely if pockets are involved.

...

Since Crowley's invitation is its own scene, I'll go over it when that post comes along.

[jitzlemonade]

UNNAMED PART 3

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4

Hey, I'm back. Thanks for the most recent ask that reminded me I have Unnamed finished. (what do you mean, no, I definitely didn't forget *sweats*) As for why I took so long, it's because I have no inspiration :D But anyway, I finished it *gives myself a pat on the back*

Let me know what you guys think, and any ideas or suggestions to inspire me so I'll be able to churn it out faster. I always love getting feedbacks from reader OwO

Also, obviously you can't find part 3 since I didn't post it as I am master of procrastinating XD If you can, I'll be shook instead >&lt;; Contains: Angst, mental breakdown?, insecurity, low self-confidence, assuming things, not for those easily triggered etc Pairing: Zhongli x Reader

Summary:

In the end, it's always you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------- You knew the problem had never been him, but you.

 Your eyes opened and an unfamiliar ceiling came into view. Faint sunlight shone through the gaps of the window, casting scattered light upon the dark room . The scent of what you assumed to be herbs assaulted your nose.

You blinked a few more times, thinking it was an illusion conjured by a sleep-addled mind. Nevertheless, the same scenery greeted you. This time, you decided to rub your eyes. In the end, nothing has changed and apparently this was not a hallucination.

You remained lying down as you covered your eyes with one arm. You tried to get your bearings together, trying to recall the happenings from the last time you were conscious. You were a thousand billion percent confused until it clicked. Ah, Zhongli happened.

 Then in the midst of that breakdown, out of the blue, came a very painful chest pain.  You would have never expected it, while you may not be as fit as a fiddle, you knew you were healthier than that. You release a sign, you never want it to happen again either.

 You didn't know where you were. The right thing to do should really be just get up and about. Say thank you to whoever that took care of you and return their kindness on a later date after you deal with all the frustrations in your life. The only thing that’s stopping you is because you had a feeling the person might be Zhongli.

You don't feel like facing him now, it would be heart wrenching and to be honest, you don't want to have another heart attack when you have just woken up. Thus, you decided to sit up and settle into a more comfortable position as you pondered, even if all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

 You look out the window, watching the birds that flew across the bright blue sky.  Countless trains of thoughts run through your head as you contemplate how you should interact with the once love of your life.

 He still is, but your love was too destructive for both you and him.

It was funny how your rational mind and emotions had countless fistfights yet it was always your small, weak and insecure heart that won. Although you rationalise numerous times that you were overthinking, your heart never failed to believe Zhongli didn't love you enough.

It wasn't fair you took it out on Zhongli, obviously he would be tired by your outburst, when he had been nothing but supportive and caring towards you even when you were showing the ugliest version of yourself.

 You know the reason he couldn't spend as much time with you. Although you can control your thoughts, you’re much less adept with your feelings. No matter how much he does for you, the self-doubt would never fade away, lingering in the depths of your mind and whispering your worst nightmares.

You doubt there was anything he could even do to make you feel better. After all, you were the problem.

This isn't good for either of us, you thought as your hands covered your face and took in a deep breath, hoping whatever stress building up within you would be released along with said breath. That in fact, didn't help as you could subtly feel the dread slowly taking over you.

Suddenly, you hear a loud thud.

You looked over to identify the source. It was Zhongli, with a fallen basin next to him, resulting in water spilling all over the ground. Your gaze then shifted upwards to him, carefully and slowly sizing him up. Trying to observe any clues to his current state of mind.

He looks haggard, eye bags especially prominent against his pale jade-like skin, his suit was messy, full of wrinkles and creases, a stark contrast from his usual demeanor. You could feel your lips quiver, but in the end you remained silent. What were you supposed to do or say anyway?

You watch as his eyes seem to regain their clarity, his steps cautious and small as he approaches you before sitting down on the bed beside you. His hands trembled as he reached out towards you, so close yet not touching you.

It was as if he was afraid you were just the morning mist in the forest, or a mirage in the desert, one blink or a touch too harsh would break this illusion. You didn’t make any moves, still unsure on how to face him.

After some hesitation, he bit his lips, as if coming to a decision, and finally touched you.

  The look in his eyes was so soft and gentle that it moved your heart. It made you wonder whether your brain was right and your emotions had it all wrong due to being too caught up with anything negative and blinded itself. Perhaps Zhongli had only you held close in his heart and you were truly just overthinking.

The soft rustling of the fabric against your skin however, quickly woke you from the illusion that he loves you. After all, if he truly loved you, why did every skin contact you ever had with him were all done through a layer of fabric?

Now awake after your outburst, you felt a bizarre sense of clarity flooding through your head. How could you have missed all those clues? The hints scattered throughout your life that you have so blatantly missed due to letting love blind your senses.

Zhongli doesn't truly love you, he was with you merely because he platonically loves you, and he wasn't too repulsed by the idea of dating you. To some, it may be wonderful news, but you didn't want to force a relationship on Zhongli just because you couldn't control your emotions.

The gloves he donned upon even now certainly represented your relationship with him.

Thin enough to feel him close, yet it is a layer you would never be able to penetrate, a layer that separates both of you from truly connecting as one. What else could induce more sorrowness than this? When the person is clearly standing before you, yet the distance between both of you was as wide as the universe itself?

He'll never love you the way you love him.

You felt him caress your cheek, a few faint brushes of his fingers before his hand finally enveloped your face. The intensity of his gaze flustered you, you remained rigid as his fingers trailed the side of your face softly.

Perhaps the fact that you didn't break or disappear was enough for him. The next thing you knew, you were pulled into his embrace. His face was buried in your collar, a sigh of relief escaping from his lips.

 He was glad you finally woke up after being tormented by the thought you would never wake up again. Staying up countless nights by your side, afraid to miss any waking moment or emergency.

His concern was clear and strong to you, yet you feel strangely numb even though his hands wrapped tightly around your body. It was like your soul was gone, and all that’s left is the ashes from where your passion had once burned.

 When he pulls away,  you place your hand upon your chest. You could feel Zhongli's enquiring gaze on you, oblivious to your intention. You decide he could wait later as you try to feel your heart.

There it was, a very faint but still steady beat, indicating your heart was fine and working.

That's strange, you still had a heart, but why do you feel... empty?  Looking at Zhongli, you no longer feel the same joy that flooded your bones, the euphoria that makes you drunk akin to fine wine.

--------

You could tell you probably relapsed back to the time when you hadn't met Zhongli. It was the darkest period of your life, when you were still too clueless and too helpless to decide on anything.   A period where the road that leads to your future is all thorns and darkness, a path where you always get hurt. You were so desperate for recognition that you were servile to anyone and everyone.

  You always had a smile on your face, always ready to offer your help to anyone. You were exploited for your kindness, yet you always give more and more of yourself even when it’s carving into your own flesh. In the end, you only had more knives sticking out of you.

 You were a bundle of all the lost cause in the world, no wonder no one could love you. You don’t belong anywhere, no one can ever accept you, no one would even want you. You don’t deserve it.

But then, there was Zhongli.

 He probably never knew how dazzling he is in your life. Everything else becomes blurred and obsolete when he’s there, all you can do is focus on him. He was brilliance itself, the confidence that radiated off him with every step, his posture straight and proper with every movement, a world heritage painting from every angle.

  He was everything you hope to be, the way words of admiration flow from his mouth would melt even the most heartless people. His articulation was enough to contend with even the best of debaters, able to convince anyone to agree with him. 

  Your eyes always trail after him as you engrave him within your memories, so you may have something to look back upon when you're old and frail. The way his ponytail sways behind him as he walks, the smile on his face as he converse, and especially those eyes of his. Those eyes that seemed to have all the answers in the world.

   His eyes were regal amber, akin to crystallisation of tree saps, the glow of cor lapis when the sun hits it just right. You wondered if Rex Lapis had personally sculpted him and inlaid the finest cor lapis into his eyes. He was just that charming, enough to pull you into an abyss that you’ll never be able to get out from again.

   He was the pivot, drawing in everyone’s gaze unintentionally, and you were merely one of the masses that oscillated around him. It was only natural, and it would never change. Yet like Rex Lapis playing a joke on you, it did.

  Both of you were supposed to be a pair of parallel lines, close enough to see each other, but never intersecting. After all, how can you drag sunshine into your midnight rain? But the moment his eyes met yours, you knew you never wanted to let go, even if it digs onto your skin and leaves scars.

The way his voice rumbles when he laughed should be a sin, the way his hands perfectly covers yours should be a foul. His eyes lit up, and your breath was taken away. His eyes narrowed when he smiled, and you were knocked off your feet. Those eyes of his entrance you like nothing else, they make everything else irrelevant. He was the sun, everything thrives because of him, and you were no different. Your world was grey and black, but now it was filled with splotches of colours. From the brightest shade of flaming red to the violet shade of the aurora sky. You were no longer surviving, but truly living.

And when those eyes had only you in their reflection, you fell for him.

All the inferiority that used to plagued you was washed away by his love, causing you to undergo a brand new transformation. However, now that you lost him, they all come crashing against you once more in calamitous waves. This made you realise, you are nothing without him.

Everything good and pleasant about you, everything you love about yourself only existed because of his words, his validation.

You truly were nothing by yourself.

—---------------------------------

You didn't have the most flattering appearance. Staring at the mirror for too long will definitely end with your confidence in your facial features dropping drastically.

The people you called 'friends' point at you as they commented about your features before laughing, saying it was all in light jest.

In spite of it all, what else can you do but agree and laugh along with them? Even if everything they said was like one bullet after another shot straight at your heart.

Worse of all, if you really said anything in retaliation, you would be the unreasonable one and couldn't take a 'joke'.

You were never enough.

No one really likes you either, halfway through a conversation, you felt the boredom or dislike rolling off the other party.

It overwhelms you, makes you stammer and fumble over your words because you don't know what exactly you do or say to incur their dissatisfaction.

 It gets draining before it becomes suffocating, completely eradicating your will and energy to keep conversing.

The slight delight emitting off them as they excuse themself from the conversation makes your heart heavy. 

You were never enough.

The relationships you forged were never truly yours, you were just there along for the ride. A friendship that people will only indulge in when it's convenient or they have no one else.

They would hang out with you, but would never wait for you nor explicitly invite you, it all depends on whether you're present when they invite their other friends.

 Still, when they were at the lowest, you were there. You lend them your shoulder, you allow them to hurt you so they would find comfort in the midst of their own pain, so they would know someone was still by their side.

However, when tomorrow comes, you are back to being a background character for them.

You were never enough.

The scars inflicted upon your soul were numerous, each one deeper than the last. A heavy burden weighs upon you, and you submerge yourself within the emptiness and the sorrow.

Wallowing in your pain was easier than confronting everything that's wrong with you. You were never enough, and there was nothing you could ever do to change it.

 And it was just so easy to submerge yourself in suffering, to block everything else out of your heart, anguishing at your pain yet doing nothing to change it.

But then there was Zhongli.

  Zhongli made you feel you were enough, he made you feel you were everything that's perfect and more. He made you strive for better, he made you flourish and bloom.

"Your beauty overwhelms me, that no words can describe it. It's similar to the sunset by Liyue Harbour, thousands of words and poetry will still fail to describe the complete allure of it. It is something so magnificent and enigmatic that it can only be appreciated personally with one's entire being and one's soul,"

He made you love your own appearance.

"My love, please do not hesitate sharing things with me. I will always be interested in anything you have to say. I particularly adore the way your eyes brighten and the passion you radiate when you talk about the things you love, even your expressive actions with your hands. I find you lovable all the same, even if you 'throw hands' with someone."

He made you love yourself, with all your flaws and quirks.

“You're more than anything I ever deserve,” he breathed out as he caressed your cheeks. His eyes were transfixed on you, as if you were too good to be true, and he dared not take his eyes off you.

He made you rediscover that you were important too, and you wondered how you even lost yourself in the first place.

-----------------------

Now, you know the problems between you were not only Lumine, no, she was merely the catalyst. There was a much deeper reason why your heart couldn't fully trust him, but you never realised until this very moment.

 It was the way you knew nothing about his past. You knew not his parents, or whether he was an orphan. You knew none of his old friends, nor did you know the scenery he grew up in.

 He was a storyteller.

However, he never shared his life before meeting you, merely throwing you small snippets which you couldn't piece a large picture with.

  It was the way you knew nothing of how his skin feels against yours. All along he was tightly wrapped in his gentlemen, never exposing any patches of skin.

You had never seen him without his coat, he always donned it, every button fastened and crease smoothened out, even if it was only the both of you.

 You could never tell with Zhongli, he was an enigma, a mystery wrapped under so many layers that you could never fully uncover.

Does he not love you enough to tell you everything, or does he love you too much to tell you everything?

What draws the line between too much love and not enough of it? You pondered yet you couldn't come up with an answer.

However you know, in your case, it must be because he didn't love you enough. He didn't trust you enough to tell you everything.

You broke the silence first.

“If you truly love and need me, why didn't you ever tell me about your past? Why don't you ever touch me directly without your gloves on?”

You looked towards him, your voice steady, but only you yourself knew your heart was beating loudly in your chest, and how the tears were about to fall out of your eyes.

 He didn't love you enough to feel your skin against his, he didn't find the need to feel your body heat without the barrier of a cloth. The fact that you loved someone so much and who doesn't love you back the same is heartbreaking.

He remained silent, and you knew he would not do it. Perhaps it was for the best, a way for both of you to part peacefully from each other without inflicting any more harm than you already have

However, he did the opposite.

He took off his gloves and rolled up his sleeves, and despite the countless time you have spent with one another, it is the first time you saw what lies beneath them.

It was not the pale skin you have expected, nor are there hideous scars littering his arms. In fact, it wasn’t anything you could have imagined.

Instead it was something similar to obsidian, that gradually faded to a pale gold. Networks made of brilliant gold formed a pattern on his arms, glowing.

You were at first fascinated with the exquisite pattern, faintly recognising one of them to be the geo symbol. Then you paused, a frightening relevantion making itself known in your mind.

You immediately looked at Zhongli, moving further back to widen the distance between both of you. You managed a weak smile, “You're Rex Lapis, ” How could you not know? When all of Liyue made sure to teach their young of the marks Rex Lapis possesses?

 He had hidden it so long for you, even after both of you verified your relationship with one another. You wondered, how serious is he with you? To keep such a thing secret until it was inevitable but to reveal it?

But what truly breaks your heart was that you and Zhongli were probably never meant to be. You didn't deserve Zhongli before, how could you ever deserve him now?

You were the filth beneath his shoes before, now you would not even amount to a drop of water in the vast sea. You are nothing.

For a god like him, a being from a completely higher existential plane than yours, could he even truly love you? He might just be playing around with you, watching as you dance in the palm of his hands.

Just as how easily he made himself part of your life, you were sure he would have no problems ripping himself out of it either.

  You believe even at this moment, incorrigible rationality still runs through his mind. He was the God of Contracts, no less should be expected of him.

 Therefore, how could he understand all the joys and woes of love? Something that is undeniably, mortal.

 ... However due to this discovery, a lot of things that were incongruent before made sense now. How he seemed to know everything from ancient times as if he was there to witness it himself.

He carries himself unlike a mortal being, where people's gazes would be attracted to him merely by his temperament and bearing.

Maybe you can believe him when he says he loves you, only that it was in the same way he loves everyone that dwells in his land and worships him.

He probably wouldn't understand the love you try to convey to him and hoped he would return. Just like an ant with a human, how could a human ever fall in love with an ant romantically?

They weren't even in the same dimension, much less on equal standing with one another.

Even if humans and gods can really bond with each other in a romantic sense, but with such a vast life spans difference, how can the god truly devote their everything to someone who would die way too soon?

Once again, you were reminded of the fact you will never be enough for him, so why bother ridding yourself of the emptiness?

It's akin to a cocoon, the comfort it brings you as you dwell within that darkness, that sadness within you.

It isn't good for you, you know this, it will destroy you, you know it well. But why rid yourself of that sadness when it's all you know, and all that will protect you?

You were already broken into pieces, you don't want to shatter into dust.

However, if the gods possess the ability to love someone with everything they got, you can't imagine the pain that would wreck them, the insanity they would feel when everything is done and said.

Love is beautiful and everlasting in the moment, yet it is transient, nothing can truly last forever.

Perhaps some mortals, some love are worth this pain. The kind of love that would be sung by bards even after aeons had passed, an epic praised by humans and gods alike. But how can you ever measure up to myths and legends?

You knew you weren't worth it.

Thus, a part of you hoped Zhongli was a little more selfish, that he would guard his heart a little more closely so you will never enter its deepest part, you didn't want to become the cause of his agony. Not now, and never. But there was a part of you which you would never admit its existence, whispers in your ears, "Leave him before he leaves you,"

So, you did what you do best. Run away from reality. You stood up and headed towards your destination with a firm determination.

Zhongli immediately stood up, wanting to hold you back yet afraid he'll break you even more “Wait, darling, pleas—”

You walked out the door and you didn't look back. You knew if you did, you would have stayed.

However in the end, only pain and suffering would be left. So you left, for both him and you.

All these while, you had been proud of yourself as Zhongli's lover, now, what are you without him?

—--------------

 In a dark alley somewhere, you collapsed onto your knee, blankly staring at something that’s not there.

Who are you without Zhongli?

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4