#I mean. I Can. but I told myself I wouldn't

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

... Someone tell me why my bitch ass "Christian Wiccan" half niece who's two years younger than me, married, and lives on a pig farm gets to be the one to call my father "papa" and thinks she can get on video chat with my two other fuck ass half siblings while I'm still in the house and in ear shot, right next her... Because she " Just wanted to speak to her 'papa' on Christmas! UWU" and thought that I wouldn't call her out on her bullshit when the last time she texted me, personally, it was to tell me to "never speak to her again" and that I was "so mean" for suggesting she was independent enough to cut ties with both her antivaxxier parents if she wanted a functioning relationship with me and after discovering her own father had a collection of literal nazi shit in his house on top of being anti vaxx, after me and my father were the only ones in the family to make the 4hour drive upstate for her wedding reception her own 'papa' was so proud of how quickly I realized I hated my eldest half brother and wanted to bail ...And then while explaining that I got saucy and told her how her 'papa' couldn't even remember her own name the other day and called her 'Tiffany' and she wouldn't stop passively aggressively buzzing my phone with little reaction emoji despite claiming how "done" she was with my arguments and complaining how she got COVID from her own wedding reception her family also had us drive 4hours to so I finally just say basically that what she gets for not just cutting off her neo nazi, antivaxxer parents when she knows she has all the means and privilege to so I tell "Tiffany" to stop buzzing my phone and me quiet, and then pretty much right the fuck after she sends that last text telling me how mean I am and how I'm to never speak to her again, I immediately receive another, completely unhinged, unprompted, all caps text from this girls psycho, antivaxxer, neo nazi fucker mother (despite the fact I'd been waiting to have That Big Cut Off Conversation with her parents until I at least had worn my niece about it first and so the last time I talked with my 'Big Sissy In-Law' /her Fuckass name for her title, not mine/ it was to tell me how much she missed me and loved me and how much she couldn't wait for us to make the 4hour drive up there so her and her fuck ass husband who she compared to lord farquaad from shrek could give my birthday gifts I never ended up accepting, which yes I had to skip out on having a 30th birthday celebration in order to be able to afford attending the wedding reception my niece was having the same month, and yes we did up getting into our last fight because she immediately assumed I was shallow enough to want all of the gifts I sent her back and money, and that I shouldn't have been upset about her parents being anti vaxxer nazis at all ... Thanks for asking/) that read basically: "NEVER CONTACT MYSELF, MY HUSBAND, OR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN, YOU JUDGEMENTAL LITTLE BRAT!!!!!!!!!"

... But yes, tell me why after all that I had the smartphone snatched away from me with my fuck ass little bitch ass Rose Armitage Amanda Palmer Ass White Witch who Still makes Harry Potter References in 2024 (because her antivaxxer, neo nazi fucker mom is most likely also a TERF) Poser Ass Little Snitch Ass Niece Smiling Smugly in my face after trying to speak to me again while pretending those last two text exchanges never happened between us because she apparently forgot to inform my fuck ass half sister, who've I've also disowned with all my spirit, about the new boundary that her and her and her side of her family had imposed upon me, after all the creepy grooming and single bout of verbal and capslock abuse they had subjected me to for over a year after intending to become my new caregivers entirely behind my own families back... And I was just trying to give her an unfriendly fucking reminder that our new 'NO CONTACT' RULE that she namely went and snitched on me and got her typhoid mother to cement and established for us, goes both ways, but that's just like how my estranged Big Brother used his unhinged wife and daughter to get to me, so the cycle continues, I guess ...

Awh, Tiffany The Tiny Snitch wants to speak to her "Papa"? Then she can do it when "Papa"'s Actual Daughter doesn't live in the house that her backwards ass, Mason Verger ass family came down here to announce they were already preparing to try and take her away from LAST CHRISTMAS because "We know that 'PAPA' is Aging Out TM and we don't want you to End Up In A Group Home Again so we've already been planning to Take You In TM along with the small group of African Children I'm personally planning on adopting for myself and my husband and I hope you don't mind not knowing about our 'Secret Plan' we've been making for you to live with my mom and dads antivaxxer asses for the rest of your life behind your and you had absolutely no say in it and we still don't want you to tell PAPA yet for Some Reason but I guess that just means that ur super obligated to come to my Wedding Reception now especially since we've just waltz in announced to you secret how you'll be Living With Us after PAPA passes and we won't be taking know for an answer even tho you're pretty sure you haven't actually SEEN any of us since I was 8 and were 10... UWU Hey 'PAPA' do u want any of my bougie banana weed? No? UWU OKAY BYE AUNTIE SEE AT MY WEDDING RECEPTION I SWEAR MY PARENTS TOTALLY AREN'T ANTI VAXXER NEO NAZI TERF ASS MONSTERS! UWU TEEHEEHEE!!!! :D"

And it's like bitch you think your 'Papa' wants to talk to you? What makes you think his and your parents backwards ass universes revolved around anything other me, again like your 'Papa' didn't personally drive me home again for four hours and allowing me 200 dollars in basically made up birthday money because of how hard it was realizing I had to disown my brother, your actual dad, and basically you, by extension, for being a willing enabler? Ruining both my Christmases with that shit... literal sickos.

So yeah after she thought she could hop on and off the phone with that fake shit and have everyone apologize on my behalf like I ruined the holiday, I sent her one final text basically reminding her again, how we'd be heeding the rule that she had her own mother enforced upon me very seriously, which basically also meant that, she was also never to contact me, her "Papa", anyone who lives in MY house, or use any one else's phones to try and contact anyone who lives here while I still lived here and was in ear shot to hear it happening EVER again, or there would be problems. I also told her that if she or anyone in her family ever tried to bring their typhoid asses down here and touch me or my things and play all nicey cutie to me or anyone else's faces when (practically) everyone claims to be on my side and knows what happened, but her and her family continues to pretend like nothing happen and that those text messages were never exchanged and that she and her mother didn't set those boundaries for us again then she, her mother, and her father would be receiving a personal masked up ass beating from me, one right after the other.

My niece had tumblr, by the way... But she literally only ever used it to post F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Nutella and it was really sad.

My niece also has a TIKTOK, which she features her own parents in frequently and I am thinking about taking this there when I have the Spoons and if the wheelchair user hating algorithm doesn't eat me up.

... Every person in my family is Fake and thinks they can dish it but never take it I swear to god.

And yeah, White People who have Pet Names (because that's what they are) for their grandparents.... are perverted and gross.

(And my dad should've probably never introduced me to the "brother" who was also old enough to be my dad and made me cry meeting my niece because I was too young to be an aunt and thus fucked up how I feel about age dynamics in relationships forever...

Case and point every time I see someone call Ron Perlman a "grandpa" I'm like ... That is my DILF who gave me my kinks... The fuck are you talking about?

... By contrast I was going to make a joke about Jeremy Irons being a grandpa because for some reason I thought he must've been 90something with the he looks by now, but I've also been watching a lot of the OG DARK SHADOWS and I guess that's what Being British does to you...

Call Russell Brand a Grandpa, Niel Gaiman, I don't know...

"Grandpa" is a Slur that should be reserved for the worst of them and if you actually take me saying that literally, that's on you... But yes, I do realize that My Experiences are Not Universal ...

Though next time some bitch ass tiny bean witch comes into my house, calls my own father "Papa" and starts insinuating that he's too old to take care of me anymore while completely ignoring my mothers existence and going back and forth peddling "home made" skin care products and bitch ass banana weed to my father and divulging "An Escape Plan" to me behind his back because her fuckass neo nazi daddy told her to? Again, people are going to going to get their ass beat is what I'm saying ....)

THIS IS KILLING ME

[sunflower1experiment]

Poppy (Risks Prequel)

Pt 1

Offering those poppy flowers as a treaty, it was cruel, but he assumed you wouldn’t do anything naive again…but to have them thrown at his face. Well, he was amused honestly, again…he held no grudges.

Flowers? He actually got you flowers, he seemed so proud of himself too, the irony to him being proud of something for once. "Poppy flowers?"

The scientist nods as if to expect your reaction of overjoy with his gestures of affectionate labors, it honestly made the tension in the room heighten while he still held the flowers. After the argument yesterday?

==

"Harley they are just children! They shouldn't be doing adult stuff! Just grab some criminals or people who could be dying- something!"

It made Harley scoff, for you to even suggest that kind of idea all the while they had such an amazing opportunity to create bigger bodies and more toys accessible or simply create life! Naive, very naive. "Elliot Ludwig was able to save his daughter, we should..."

"No, Elliot created Poppy! We don't know if- the accident...You can't hurt them. Please Harley, you already hurt prototype and Theo." He looks back at your pleading gaze, but you didn't understand the bigger picture here. "Everything I do, I'm doing for Playtime."

"No you're not! You only care for fame, money and proving those other scientists wrong." You look away and hug yourself, backing up when he tries to hold your face. "Please listen when I tell you this, my dear."

"What is there to listen to?"

"You simply don't understand, you're too sentimental. They're just orphans-"

"Sawyer- I was an orphan! You all knew that! Elliot hired me so I can work with the children! Not hurt them!" You push him aside after your outburst, walking away with anger boiling inside you.

==

Such outbursts shouldn't happen again, he gently pushes the poppies in your hand. "I'm sorry my dear, I should have considered your feelings through all of this. That is why I'm sending you-"

You move away and drop the flowers, "Don't try to insult my intelligence, what did you do to them."

"Who...." There was an unbearable moment of silence between you two, Harley wanted to believe that you didn't mean them. "Experiment...1322...?"

"NO! Kevin, Jack and Matthew!" You shove him again, now letting angry tears fall down from your already red puffy eyes. "You told me you wouldn't hurt them! I told you! They were just babies! Why are they working with those bastards who laugh at their pain!?"

Harley hugs your shaken form, listening to you sob against his chest, and he understood why Leith said he shouldn't have gotten so attached to you. "You're too emotional for this project....We have to send you back."

"......Why? Because Pierre said so?"

"My dear, you're simply, a threat to...myself and this project." You move from him after he says that.

"You had the audacity to give me these flowers. Knowing you ruined any chance of us ever clicking."

Harley groans then he starts yelling, "What can I do!? Huh? I loved you! Yet your face shows revulsion! You cannot handle the fact that I wish to play scientist for one second-"

"A scientist wouldn't harm others for his selfish needs! If you really love me, you'd stop hurting the children! Stop being such a damn fool!" The man just slams his hand down, you flinch, and he stares you in the eyes afterwards.

"What I'm doing is something your sentimental mind cannot understand...I've entertained your silly emotions long enough, you are dismissed and forbidden from seeing the children and the bigger toys... I know what you say to them. 'Stay brave' 'Stay strong' 'Don't let revenge be your only way to push forward' or my favorite 'You deserve better'. Do you think I enjoy being cruel?"

At first, you didn't answer his question, yet when he got close and caressed your cheek. His eyes meet yours and he could see the fear in your eyes, the anger that follows after and then the utter despair. "Of course you do, I love you, but you do not hold such regards because you think I'm cruel."

When the discussion ends, you left in silence. Stella walks over and tries to reach out, you simply pull your hand away when she does, not wanting to spare her a glance. "When things go to hell, I won't be here to clean his mess or comfort him.."

CW, slight NSFW// Minors do not interact.

Naked bodies, kissing, small forms of affection, arguments and slight signs of emotional abuse

(It's how I depict Harley Sawyer, he seems like the one who desires affirmation and gratification but will deny such affections when he feels he failed, knows he failed or can sense disappointment from others)

All those years you both spent together, when you first met it was of course a form a normalcy, curt talks, exchanging ideas and then experimenting on ways to help the toys become more marketable.

Then he made the first move and got declined, it was a simple decline that didn't affect him at first but then he asked again when you both became more comfortable. That was about five months later, you accepted. Then explained to him your reasoning for declining him, "I wasn't really sure what dynamic we had so I wasn't planning on risking our jobs."

You get it, and he was well enthralled with the idea of having a better half so you both hit it off well, chattering, talking about dreams. Sometimes you both would spend time over each other's homes, he lived in a nice house, it was obvious he really caters to his work in his spare time.

Meanwhile you enjoyed your comfortable apartment life, housing isn't cheap and at the moment you were comfortable with a couch, two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen lounge room with a tv. Harley didn't mind either, in fact he ended up spending the night.

He was, simply enamored with you, your touches, his hands intertwining with yours the way you'd lean into his touch. Even when all you both did was admire each other's bodies, there was something about it from Harley that made you feel special.

When you made breakfast, he'd hug you with his tall frame looming over your frame even if you both were tall or if you were short, he was somehow finding a way to hug you by the waist. He kisses your cheek, jaw and then neck before leaning on you, it was comfortable.

While at work you both barely showed affection, he did find random ways to be caring, covering the corners of desks for example. Then you'd return the favor by grabbing him coffee, his favorite being a cappuccino latte with cream and brown sugar. Simple work partner stuff, but he had an ego, showing off his works, you'd nod in approval and then show him ways to do better.

While his ego was there, he still listened to you, but you'd tell him to take credit for it because you knew he could repay you later. A single chaste kiss on the lips or more if he was really thankful, it honestly bemused you how this so called "doctor" scientist was so fascinated by anatomy when it came to intimacy.

"Explain this to me, I recently tried to handle prototype, but he simply wouldn't cooperate. So I gave him a shock." Harley watches you freeze, ".....Harley you bought him to life, you...it's amazing but you cannot just hurt him for not bending to your will."

Harley scowls at your warning, "Spare me the sentiments, the prototype is nothing but a machine experiment."

You grab the file and leave to go see this prototype. "I'll talk to him"

When you opened the door and spoke with the prototype you at first thought it'd be terrifying but...this creature was simply scared and confused. Smart too, your gentle voice eased its weary hand. Then you point to the glass, it taps to signal its knowing knowledge of the see through glass. "I'll try to tell him to stop with the electrocution, okay?"

"dO nOt wOrRy mX- you simply want to help your= lOveR coRrect?"

You nod slowly, blinking in shock. "How did you..."

"yOuR eyes dilated when i uSeD h1s vO1ce."

Manipulative, just like Harley in a strange way...

When you leave the room, Harley was leaning against the wall. He then left in silence, "Harley...." You reach but he moves away, "Come on, you know I love your work-"

"Yet you hate how I handle it right?"

you sigh, of course Sawyer is offended. "No, I simply want you to not be cruel to them. You can depict what I mean however you want, you'll just hurt your own feelings that way."

He scoffs out a chuckle, "Of course, to think I actually let my guard down." You pause then hold his hand.

"Hey...." Harly pauses, not looking back to hide his knowing smirk before he turns with a tired sad gaze. "I'm sorry, you can visit mine and we can have some comfort food okay...?"

He nods then caresses your face, "Thanks for taking the risk for me hun, I'm sorry if I upset you.." he nods again, accepting your apology. When it should be him apologizing to you!

[saeist]

"did it hurt?"

"falling from heaven? a little"

"more like crawling out of the depths of hell but okay.." you say under your breath. nagumo gasps and puts a hand over his chest at your implication

"hey, that's mean!" he points a finger at you

you roll your eyes, "i mean your tattoos.. stupid"

nagumo raises an eyebrow, glancing down on his arms before it all clicks. a sly smirk makes their way on his face. he leans in ever so slightly just to mess with you

"oh? so you were looking at me?"

"nagumo, just answer the damn question! did it hurt or not?" you grumbled, facepalming as the man continues without fail to annoy the shit out of you. it was just a basic question yet he couldn't even answer it properly

nagumo laughs plenty, poking fun of your angry face. (that he may or may not like so much) when he finally stops laughing, he wipes the tears of joy from his eyes, shaking his head

"eh, depends but mostly no" he finally answers, showing off his tattoos by rolling up the sleeves of his sweater. "some on my arms i did by myself while the rest were done by a tattoo artist at a parlor"

wait a second, did he just say he did some of his tattoos by himself?

you stopped listening the moment he said that he does some of his tattoos. your eyes dart over his arms, observing the lines of ink permanently etched on his skin. a million questions running through your mind as you stare at them. how long did they take? did it hurt? how did he managed to tattoo himself on both arms precisely and accurately? who is his tattoo artist? how much does he pay for one tattoo? do each tattoos hold a specific meaning?

"hello? earth to y/n?" nagumo waves a hand over your face. you must've been staring at him for a while. "i knew i was a looker but you don't have to ogle me" he teases, chuckling to himself

you finally return to your senses when his words processed in your head. you shake your head vigorously

"i was not!" you deny, crossing your arms

nagumo laughs again, "you were totally checking me out!"

"i will check you out myself at the nearest funeral home. do not test me"

nagumo whistles low, "whoa.. freaky. though you're in luck, i like them like that" he winks

you can feel yourself burn up with how smooth he was with words. effortlessly shutting you up by just playing along. damn you nagumo and your smooth talking!

"you know what? this is pointless. i should've asked rion instead where she gets her tattoos done" you murmured, having enough of this conversation with nagumo. all you wanted was to ask where he gets them done so you could probably get one as well but since he wasn't answering properly then forget it

you turn around to walk away from nagumo, but before you could actually get away from him, he grabs onto your arm, preventing you from walking away

"hold it!" nagumo says, tugging you lightly to make you face him. he holds in another laugh when he sees you glaring at him. "no need to look for rion when everything you need is literally right in front of you" he muses

you raise an eyebrow, "what the fuck does that even mean?"

"i mean i can tattoo you" nagumo says like it was the most obvious thing in the world

you blink once. twice. trying to process what he just said

"what?"

nagumo exhales sharply, rolling his eyes. why couldn't you get the hint?

"i just told you that i did some of my tattoos. so if you want one, i wouldn't mind doing it for you" nagumo explains, taking a good look at your arm. an empty canvas in his eyes. his fingers trace over your skin as if he was already planning what he wants to tattoo onto you

his touch alone is sending sparks all over your body but for some reason, you don't pull your arm away

"let me guess, you're going to tattoo a dick on my arm" you huffed, watching him trace random shapes on your skin

nagumo reluctantly lets go of your arm and puts his hands behind his head as he looks at you, grinning

"maybe. it would be funny as fuck" he shrugs, giggling to himself at the thought of actually tattooing a dick on your arm

"this is why i'm going to rion" you sigh, rolling your eyes yet again. there's just something about talking to nagumo that is so infuriating but at the same time, so endearing

"come on" nagumo drawls, "you and me? matching tattoos? just think about it"

the mere thought of getting matching tattoos with nagumo, who's gonna do it on you just somehow made your stomach flip

what the fuck?

"never in a million years" you scoff, starting to walk away from him. "i'm gonna go look for rion. bye"

nagumo, as sharp as ever, notices the faint blush on your cheeks at the mention of getting matching tattoos with him. he lets you walk away from him with a small smile on his face. he knows damn well that you aren't going to reject this offer

"offer still stands!" he calls out after you, "you know where to find me"

you respond by flipping him off without the need to look back. nagumo bursts out laughing before he carries on with his day

later that night, you find yourself contemplating on taking nagumo's offer. all it takes was a curious cat to get itself killed. you stand in front of a mirror, trying to map out where you would like to get inked

the memory of nagumo proposing of getting matching tattoos echoes in your mind like a broken record. you mentally curse yourself for holding onto the thought of getting something permanent together. it almost feels like its a commitment

you actually can't believe that you're even considering this. from nagumo at that

on the other side of the jcc building, nagumo was sprawled over his bed, busy solving sudoku puzzles when he hears his phone vibrate on his bedside table. he pauses, picking his phone up lazily before he smirks when it was a notification from you

[7:09 PM] y/n :) : hypothetically speaking, if i were to accept your offer of you tattooing me, what would it be?

nagumo grins widely. he knew it. you wouldn't able to resist such offer from him. he immediately types his response not even a minute later

[7:10 PM] nagumo (DO NOT REPLY): hypothetically it would anything you'd like cus that means you'll have a piece of me on you forever ;) [7:10 PM] nagumo (DO NOT REPLY): so, you down?

[mosspapi]

My appointment with my doctor is on Friday but apparently my mother is making us go to ikea on Wednesday. I'm still laying in bed basically all day from last Friday. How does she expect me to go to ikea while I feel like this AND be able to have a coherent conversation with my doctor on Friday. I'm gonna lose it

[lale-txt]

LALECHINGO!! ; a birthday event

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ it’s bingo! and also a raffle.

let’s party!! one thing about me is that is love a little event and since it’s my birthday month i felt like hosting one :3c

so: raffle time! but you gotta play some bingo first before you can participate. lemme give you a rundown on how it works.

what's the prize?

✰ a total of three 1k (or longer) fics from me! i don’t take requests so this is a rare chance to see something specific written by me ✰ the 3 winners will receive a wishlist form from me in which they can go wild ✰ haikyuu x reader only! gender of reader is for the winners to decide, i’ll write for all of them. ✰ not limited to sfw only (that being said: mdni)

details & rules (it looks like a lot, but i promise it's easy)

✰ to participate in the raffle, you gotta fill out the bingo cards! there’s ten of them in total at the end of this post. some are writing prompts, some are for reading, some to spread some kindness. you can grab and combine any that catch your interest.

✰ 1 bingo equals 1 point. if you manage to fill out an entire card, you’ll get 10 points, so 10x your name in the draw pot for the raffle. this means you can get up to 100 points in total if you fill out all ten cards completely.

✰ it’s not first come, first serve! you got two weeks to have fun with your bingo cards.

✰ this event is mostly about making fandom a little better for everyone, whether you’re a writer or a reader, no matter how you participate in it. this means you don’t have to show me proofs how you got these bingos. putting my trust in you that you won’t cheat <3

✰ since the prizes are gonna be fics by me, i would feel better knowing you actually like my works enough to follow me. however, it’s not a must to be a follower to participate. again, it’s more about fandom than me.

✰ writers picking up the writing prompts: it up to you how you use them! can be drabbles or headcanons, small fics, big fics, moodboards, not limited to haikyuu only. really whatever sparks your inspiration. you don’t even have to publish it or tag me in it (though i’d love to see ofc hehe), this is for YOU and your inspiration.

✰ do NOT bring any ai into this. i'll rip you to shreds

✰ once you’re finished, either reblog this post with your bingo cards or send me an ask with them (i won’t publish them, just for me to keep track)

✰ i’ll draw & announce the three winners on Jan 27th and will contact them through dms for their wishlist :3

card 1-6 ; for the writers

card 7 & 8 ; for the readers

card 9 & 10 ; for the kindness

that's all! have fun ♡ - Lale

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[slippery-minghus]

oof

[the-kneesbees]

just watched my brother graduate

[nobodybetterlookatme]

🥰

[elytrafemme]

the unintended byproduct of having the finch app where the cute bird helps you do self care is that after you open the app she will send you little notifications throughout the day being like hiiii my day is great how are you doing which is great i guess generally but right now i'm like. back in the throes of cptsd issues and also crying over a doctor's appointment so i don't really care how your day is going lychee. and then i feel guilty because lychee the bird has only ever loved me but like i don't. care. right now.

[outlying-hyppocrate]

seriously considering telling my therapist the One Thing i have only ever told one person in my life ever. but it doesn't feel real because nobody's actually worried and also it hasn't affected me physically or mentally in a somewhat debilitating way yet so. {:

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

I don't care when people don't include me in stuff, I'm used to it but-----

my own family going on a trip w/o even asking me kinda felt

shit 🫠

[the-casbah-way]

i just think it's so unfair that when i left high school my entire support system was gone overnight and i was just expected to get on with it with no help and because i wasn't diagnosed back then no one believed me or accommodated for me or cared, so i had to postpone my degree for two years and watch all my friends graduate without me and move to different cities and i went from being a straight a student who never had to study in their life to barely scraping the minimum grades and never showing up to class because i had convinced myself i was too stupid and slow to ever get my degree because i wasn't getting any of the support i kept asking for and was expected to read and listen to lectures without any help and keep up with everyone else when none of my support needs were being met. and now after trying for five years to find a way to get the degree i always wanted my uni have told me they're not going to let me do it anymore because of one module requirement that i missed because i was in hospital against my own choice. and even after i said i would use the entirety of my savings which i specifically worked for so that i could have a safety net for my studies to pay for the extra year required to get the module they need they've still said no. even though there's a bunch of spare places on the course and it wouldn't impact my timetable at all. even though i got As in every assignment i did for that course compared the the Bs and Cs i used to get in every other subject. even when i told them that i can't keep doing a science based humanities subject because i have dyscalculia and it's literally impossible for me to get through a single sentence of reading on my own, compared to the module i want to do where my lecturer literally bought me extra course textbooks with his own money because i finished everything else on the reading list in my own time and he said he was impressed with the work i sent him. i told them that me and my brother are the first in my family to go to uni, and how neither of my parents finished school or have any qualifications, and i never though in a million years i would ever get to have a degree and i've had everything stacked against me because their uni is 99% rich able bodied neurotypicals and i'm so close to graduating even though i had no support at all for the first four years. and they still don't care. they can't even give me a reason as to why they won't let me get the degree i want. they just keep saying 'we're not in a position to let you do the extra module' over and over again and i don't even understand what they mean. i'm going to pay for it myself. they have spare spaces on the course. i don't understand what else i can do to make them listen. they talk so much about diversity and accessibility yet every other poor and disabled person i talk to (and there's barely fucking any at this uni because they don't want us to be there) has been through similar experiences and had opportunities taken away from them because they were too unwell to attend one single fucking class. i don't know what to do but i've been here way too long and tried way too hard to drop out now. but i also can't bear to not to the degree i've always dreamed of. i don't want to do anything else

[thekimspoblog]

Demon trying to feed on my insecurities: "You're a bad driver"

Me: "Of course I am. I hate driving. Going 80 mph surrounded by tons of metal is nerve-wrecking. I try to do it as little as possible. Of course I'm bad at it"

Demon: "You're a bad writer"

Me: "Well that part's simply not true. I never claimed I was the greatest author of my generation, but when I put pen to paper I know what I want to communicate and I usually do it well. If someone isn't impressed with my work, that's unfortunate but they're entitled to their opinion"

Demon: "You're a bad leader"

Me: "Well I don't know about that! I mean there was that one time when... Ok look just because people don't see me as an authority figure doesn't mean... 😠 You know you can be a real asshole, demon!"

[chrisbangs]

if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂

[bibiana112]

And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long