#I mean this is essentially toy design fanfic

[therobotmonster]

Since Hasbro's decided they don't have to manage their own core lines anymore...

I have complex feelings about that largely summed up by 'time to break up the big IP houses like Ma Bell' and the following image:

But if we're going to be stuck in this universe, we might as well get something worthwhile out of it. So I propose that the Big H make nice-nice with their historical arch-foe Mattel, for one or more Masters of the Universe: Origins crossover lines.

For those that haven't been paying attention, Mattel's MOTU origins line is awesome, in large part because it has no pretenses about what He-Man is: Fun, and Dumb.

They've been making (not enough, mind you) new characters, resurrecting old ones, buying compatible concepts like Sun-Man and throwing them into the mix, and when they do crossover-stuff, it isn't just two figs from the two lines packed together...

They slam the very concepts together. I own a MOTU John Cena that is clear blue because he's 'invisible.' OF COURSE Ram-Man is going to turn into a mutant ram when they crossover with TMNT! It's the Demogorgon! And his weapon is a dice-mace.

It's a beautiful symbiosis. MOTU gets more crazy fun and reusable parts for their internal build-a-figure system and the other party involved gets a sip of what actually fun toyeticism tastes like.

So, since Hasbro's open to this kind of thing now, I propose the following:

Dungeons of Snake Mountain (D&D/MOTU Crossover)

Obvious crossover is obvious, but that doesn't mean 'bad'. In a battle with Skeletor, the planes intersect, sending the artifacts from both universes scattering into a sprawling multi-dimensional dungeon. Everyone's questing for it. Fun stuff.

Big Figure:

Granamyr - A little D&D'd up, but the classic MOTU dragon is the big boxed get for the set. To make this affordable, he's in a build-a-figure format, and his parts (minus head) are reused as build-a-figure incentives through the line to build a black dragon with a head evoking snake mountain's snake.

Every figure that does not have a build-a-figure bit comes with a bonus sidekick/familiar/little creature pulled from this list: Kowl, Madame Razz's Broom, pseudodragon-dragonblast dragon (free-standing), Zoar and Screech-colored birds that lock onto the forearm, Imp (She-Ra and D&D), Slime/ooze (one sculpt, many colors), flumph, demilich (doubles as bonus head), stirge, intellect devourer and gazer (mini-beholder).

MOTU Characters:

Bard of Power Adam - Slightly 'rockered up' and midevalized version of the classic Adam togs. Carries a 'poweraxe' anachronistic electric guitar-by-way-of-jack-kirby style lute. Short sword. Alternate "singing" head.

Paladin of GraySkull She-Ra - In strongheart-inspired armor. Sun sword, shield, adventurer's lantern.

Dragonborn Cleric Frosta - backpack piece replicates whiplash/rattlor style tail, white dragon (obs), breath-weapon plugin, Mace of Saint Cuthbert, multiple potions.

Elf Ranger Bow - Elf version of Bow (PoP if available, OG if not), uses a version of the Dragon Blast skeletor pack (animal companion). Hank's energy-bow from the D&D cartoon. Bear traps.

Dwarf Monk Fisto - shorter 'dwarf' legs and arm buck, Gauntlets of Ogre power. torch.

Aaracocra Wizard Stratos - Has full sorceress-style wings, Arcane Grimoire, wand of magic missiles. Scroll.

Rogue Buzz-Off - Buzz-Off in rogue's gear, boots of speed (wings on them), daggers, torch.

Warlock of Orcus Skeletor - Head is a ram's skull, using the heavyset wrestler torso buck. Havoc staff, rod of Orcus.

Fighter Orchead - Pighead geared up like the stock D&D cartoon orc / orc of the broken bone figure. Mace of Terror. Torch. Shield.

Barbarian Beast-Gnoll - Bright orange gnoll, carrying beserker axe, torch, whip.

Assassin Catra - Tabaxized Catra with cloak of displacement (irridescent shiny cloth), displacer-beast themed tentacle-whips, and poisons (potion bottles).

Sorceress Yaun-Teela - Oh no, she's been snaked again. Give her a proper snakey head this time, snake-fang whip, shield, Jake the Snake's snake.

Shadow Weaver - It's just Shadow Weaver, she has the hand of Vecna (alternate), two wands (recolors of Stratos and RingleRune's) and an alternate, un-hooded lich-face.

D&D Characters:

Evil-Aligned

Having found Skeletor's half of the power sword, Warduke empowers himself and a host of captive monsters, awakening them as per the awaken spell, and changing their type to monstrous humanoid.

Battle Armor War-Lord - Warduke using the battle-damage armor torso and carrying Skeletor's half of the Power Sword. Has that MOTU laser gun. Brighter, toonier colors than original.

Klaws-All the Hook-Horror - Mix of Mutant Ram Man, Andre the Giant/Krang parts, with clawful hand on one arm and a true hook on the other, new head (obviously). Chain/shackle harness and accessories in glowing or at least translucent plastic (magic bonds). Guards shaping staff.

Flarefang the Dragonborn Fighter - Classic Red Dragon. Whiplash with a new head, energy-blast plug for mouth. Very eternian looking sword/shield combo. Torch.

Hoot-zor the Owlbear - Grizzlor with bird-like face, bestial feet, and new claw-hands. Has terror-claws skeletor accessories to boot. Guards book of living spells.

Pu-Tryd the Troglodyte Queen - reuse of tailed female buck (Frosta), with troglodyte head. Carries the sword of the serpent (MOTU). has special shoulder-ports that plug in 'stink cloud' accessories (compatible with breath weapon ports).

Grotek the Duergar Artificer - Uses mostly the Extendar parts in a black knight scheme, new head. Comes with a grab-bag of techy MOTU gear and Mekaek's telescope-club. Golden disk of knowledge.

Greencleave the Troll - Uses a standard body buck with extra-long forearm and shin parts to produce a taller, gangly build. semi-translucent green, has two extra hands and 'stump parts' that those plug into, to make free-crawling troll hands out of whichever fists aren't in use. Guards masks of power.

Good-Aligned:

Battle Armor Strong-Heart - Same deal as Warduke, just with the roles reversed. Has that other MOTU laser gun and He-Man's half of the power sword.

Clank-or the Warforged Scout - Roboto torso with armored knight-like arms and legs, new head. Uses roboto forearm for the weapon parts and includes mekanek's neck. Staff of Avion.

RingleRune - Reuses a lot of Eldor parts. Eldritch book of spells, wizard's staff, wand of acid arrow.

Now for the challenging part, stuff that is essential but would need major tooling excuses. This is accomplished via the introduction of a 'kid' or 'sidekick' tooling.

Wild Mage Orko and Mimic - A new sculpt for a 2005 style Orko, in green robes (allowing for later reuse as canon 2005 Orko) with an eternian-style chest that springs open to reveal fangs and eyes. inner bits can be swapped out for normal treasure (allowing for tooling reuse)

Rust Monster and Rogue Loo-Kee - Loo-Kee in adventuring gear with a little rainbow colored dagger against a rust monster.

Cursed Adam and Cu-Boid the Modron - 2005 "kid" Adam (compatible buck with Loo-Kee) and a modron quadrone with dice numbers incorporated into his body designs. Cu-Boid is a rogue modron, with a spinning Man-e-faces like feature.

Zarak the Goblin and Meteorb Dinosorb - Yes, OG Zarak was an "orc" but he was also small in stature and not a pig-man like AD&D orcs at the time, and so I'm categorizing him as a goblin. Meteorb should be designed for maximum head/tail swappage for future reuse, has energy-flare trail that plugs in via standard FX plug.

Of course, each figure would come with all the stats for themselves and their stuff.

[weaselandfriends]

So you are going to make a fanfic about Pokemon, huh.

Are you a pokemon fan? Or you known about the franchise enough? or is a case of you, waking up one day and thinking:" I'm going to make a Pokemon Fan-Fic!" And started to consume media from it in order to make a story?

I was a child in 1998.

During that initial invasion of Pokemon into the West, when Pokemon was far more than simply the "most profitable media property in the world" that it is today, when it was a tidal wave phenomenon that swept away an entire continent, I was something of a Pokemaniac. I had Blue Version, Red Version, Yellow Version, Pokemon Pinball, Pokemon Stadium, Pokemon Puzzle League, Hey You Pikachu. I had (and still have) every single card from the first three TGC sets, included the oh-so-vaunted holographic Charizard card. I had Pokemon figurines, I had toy Poke Balls, I had Pokemon stickers, I had Pokemon stamps, I had Pokemon clothes, I had Pokemon strategy guides, I had Pokemon choose your own adventure novels. I had the then-complete runs of both Pokemon Adventures and Electric Tale of Pikachu (I vastly preferred the latter). I would wake up early every day to watch the Pokemon anime on TV. I went to Pokemon The First Movie opening day and remember walking into a theater packed to the brim only to hear a man scream—to my delight and assuredly my mother's horror—"SEATS IN THE FRONT ROW!"

Of course, it's been 25 years since 1998. I've played most of the mainline games since then (GSC, RSE, DPP, SuMo, and recently SV). I've seen a few of the endless array of movies. For some reason I watched the entire SuMo anime. So yeah, I still like Pokemon.

Is it my favorite thing ever? No. The unfortunate reality is the games are pretty formulaic and often have questionable design choices. It's not like Mario or Zelda, other nostalgic Nintendo series, where the devs put their heart and soul into each new mainline installment.

But the fundamentally fascinating elements of its world continue to interest me. I've always seen the Pokemon world as a near-future nigh-utopia, clean and neat and orderly, with large swaths of the population free to pursue their hobbies rather than slave away at some useless job. I've always wanted to delve into such a world narratively, as opposed to the endless dystopias that seem to clog contemporary fiction.

Chicago was written as a kind of critical response to To the Stars, which is a utopian story that glosses over the steps taken to reach utopia. I wanted to peer more deeply at how a world akin to that in To the Stars might actually be created, the kind of political turmoil and upheaval required to eventually integrate the panacea to mankind's ill—magic—into functional society. A Pokemon story would instead be about the utopia itself. What does it mean for society that children are not simply allowed but encouraged to leave home at 10 to pursue a vague, unstructured path to become what is basically a competitive sports athlete? What has had to happen to society for such a thing to be not simply okay, but preferred? And what does it mean for that society's future development, especially considering a world where rapid evolution of generally symbiotic non-human creatures is possible? And why, in this peaceful and low-scarcity world, are there so many insane doomsday death cults essentially seeking to usher in the apocalypse?

There are two works of literature that particularly influenced the direction of my idea for a Pokemon fanfic. The first is Eyeless in Gaza (unfortunately topical title) by Aldous Huxley of Brave New World fame. Gaza is a mostly autobiographical story touching on a variety of topics, and one chapter near its end involves the main character traveling to Central America, where he meets a strange, idealistic man named Dr. Miller. Dr. Miller espouses many ideas about anthropology, especially ones critical of or antithetical to British imperialist pseudo-scientific anthropology: "An anthropologist is a person who studies men," he says, "but you prefer to deal with bugs. I'd call you an entomologist [...] the only remedy is for the bug-hunter to throw his bayonets away and treat the bugs as though they were human beings." But the most interesting thing he talks about, the thing that has stuck with me more than anything else in the otherwise mediocre novel, is soccer.

"But [football is] the greatest English contribution to civilization," said the doctor. "Much more important than parliamentary government, or steam engines, or Newton's Principia. More important even than English poetry. Poetry can never be a substitute for war and murder. Whereas games can be. A complete and genuine substitute."

Dr. Miller envisions a world where competitive sports replace the destructive and combative elements of humanity; he teaches soccer to small Mexican tribes as a way to settle their differences instead of war. What does a utopian society look like that has replaced conflict with competitive sport at a grand, worldwide scale? In our world, the Olympics are often spoken of in similar terms, but Pokemon appears to have actually accomplished this lofty goal, to the point that becoming a trainer at 10 is more important than standard education. By setting my fanfic at a prestigious, global tournament, I become perfectly posed to explore this question...

The other point of inspiration comes from Underground, Haruki Murakami's nonfiction account of the 1995 Tokyo sarin gas attacks committed by the cult Aum Shinrikyo. The book contains numerous interviews with both survivors of the attacks themselves and former members of the cult, and ends with Murakami's essay on how the Japanese social psyche allowed this event to occur. Describing the cult members he interviewed, he says:

To all of them I posed the same question, that is, whether they regretted having joined Aum. Almost everyone answered: "No, I have no regrets. I don't think those years were wasted." Why is that? The answer is simple—because in Aum they found a purity of purpose they could not find in ordinary society.

This idea of "purity of purpose unfound in ordinary society," what does that mean in a society like Pokemon's? In a utopian society, where nearly all needs are met? Where sports replaces conflict?

Anyway, I've started to veer off topic, so I'll cut it short there. I'm incredibly excited for this project, so I hope all of you decide to give it a read when I finish!

[baeddel]

I think the distinction between tropes/fanfic and "real literature" (which imo can be independently published and not part of the western academic canon and still be 'real') is not necessarily a semantic distinction but moreso one of quality. If it's something mass-produced or cliche or pandering it's a trope. If it's something meaningful it's an archetype. Of course there's a high degree of subjectivity there, but, there's that much subjectivity in this entire discussion as a whole since we're talking about high-brow vs low-brow art in the first place. But personally what I would consider low-brow is what's popular, but not popular as in 'well-liked', popular as in 'this was very obviously made for no other purpose than to generate profit and it did exactly that'. Artwork that's essentially just product, made for mass-appeal and marketability, and all the fan-works that simply reflect and reproduce those writer-slash-advertiser's same capitalist values. That's the connotation I get for 'tropes'. Just mass-appeal for the hell of it. Why is it fair that the zeitgeist of the old days contained characters and stories made for creative and expressive purposes whereas nowadays we have characters and stories made to sell toys and movie tickets.

here is something i'd like you to think about: like comrade Bela Belasz you use 'popular' and 'commercial' interchangably. Belasz argues (2010, pg 212) that the production of a film takes place on an industrial scale. it is the "collective achievement of the scriptwriter, director, cameraman, set designer and actors" along with the "producer's perpetual meddling" (today we'd add CGI animation studios and so on). because of the cost involved and because of the level of coordination in the production, for Belasz, a film relies on its "universal comprehensibility and popularity, in other words, [its] profitability" (pg 211). every (collective) artistic decision will be tempered by the injunction not to put this popularity in jeoprady. this is the extent to which popular and commercial are interchangable in mass culture; if a work is to succeed as a commodity it has to be capable of achieving popularity.

[1.2k words, obtuse]

but look here: for Belasz, this popular imperative snatched cinema from the bourgeoisie. "An art form that has grown into a major industry could not remain the privilege of the ruling classes. It is a dialectical feature of the capitalist economy that on occasion a privilege has to be sacrificed for the sake of profit" (pg 212). the commodification of cinema in some sense democratizes cinema; it is forced to move from a vehicle of élite valorization to a Volksgeist where several contradictory aspirations contest. so for Belasz this popularity is not irredeemable. while popularity, as he sees it, "inevitably lowers the level of expression initially," the audience is educated by the medium, is quickly bored of the safe and trite, and itself demands more challenging work. the audience and the medium develop together. soon the appetite for challenging work is placing strain on the limits of universal comprehensibility. the availability of niche cinema waxes and wanes (there was a time when Sony set a high watermark for sponsoring independent cinema, then quickly stopped supporting it; Netflix and Adult Swim both license a lot of small shows and give their creators an essentially unprecedented level of freedom to make television, at the same time as mass market toy-driven shlock like Disney's Marvel is reaching its zenith) the reasons for which deserve an adequate empirical explanation. but as i see it, commercial forces actually habitually clear the way for sophisticated art.

now it sounds like i'm defending the Value-form. that's not really what i mean. it's just that your criticism of art under capitalism is reactionary. to rescue art you would restore feudalism. then whenever Disney starts making films you actually like you'll stop complaining. but what is frightening about capitalism isn't what it takes from us, it's what it offers us. Orwell's 1984 of repressed and deluded prisoners isn't half as frightening as Skinner's Walden Two of free-range happy lemmings. the only question worth asking, to my way of thinking, is what emancipatory potentials are opened by the dynamic under discussion?

now here's where i really disagree with you, anon. according to you, fan works "reflect and reproduce" the "writer/advertiser's" "capitalist values." my disagreement is twofold. my first case is already obvious: even the original artistic commodity doesn't simply or exclusively contain capitalist values; it is forced by the conditions of its production to accomodate multiple aspirations, such that even completely uncritical fan work can express values antithetical to capitalist domination. but here is my second complaint: fan works are NOT commodities. further, they are not even mass culture; they are the immediate, personal expression of a single creator (or doujin circle). therefore, they are under no obligation to hitch themselves to universal comprehensibility, popularity or profitability. they are not determined by the same market conditions as the original work. this means that fan works have complete autonomy and can achieve any level of sophistication without anxiety. this is a luxury only enthusiasts have access to today. even Alexandre Dumas was paid by the word. and if you actually go and read any fanfiction you'll find out that their authors do not recognize any obligation to reflect or reproduce the values of the original work. in fact it's an absurd idea. most fanfiction authors tear the original to pieces; they ruthlessly criticize it and then submit their own corrected version.

but i think when we talk of fan works like this we're sometimes missing the point. perhaps all fan works are works of art, but they are often also other things too, and artistic values might not be the guiding values in either their creation or reception. fanart of a character often serves a devotional function; people have a favourite character who becomes something like an imaginary friend (or a waifu), and to satisfy this companionship such a person will surround themselves with fan art, draw it all the time or comission someone else to draw it for them. at other times the character appears in fanart as an ubermarionette, something like a stock character, not substantially different from other tropes(!) like the maid outfit. in this respect Touhou is comparable to Harlequinade: every character is reducible to a handful of memorable relationships and quirks and can be arranged in an endless number of comic situations. meanwhile most fanfiction seems to serve a function within the fandom community, establishing the writer's identity, satisfying, shocking or pleasuring their peers, and so on. these are uses of drawing and writing other than artistic expression that people find worth doing.

to you this will all sound horrifying. by absorbing characters as imaignary friends and mediating interpersonal dynamics with retellings of light novels these fans are brainwashing themselves with the Value-form! gasp! but it just isn't true. let me tell you something: commodities don't exist for very long. a use-value is a commodity insofar as it is being exchanged. when i am making it it is not yet a commodity; it merely expresses a potential to become a commodity. and after i have purchased it, when i get home and unwrap it, it is no longer a commodity. now i am embracing a use-value. its potential to become a commodity expresses an influence over its production (as we have expressed), and it might express an influence over how i interact with it at home (if i hoped to sell it later, for example). but when eating spinach, the commodity-form is not nourishing me, it is the actual protein that i'm consuming. when i fuck an onahole i am not reproducing capitalist values any more than i am the human species. it's a silly idea.

now let's apply it to characters from commercial properties: how often do i encounter Zero from Drakengard 3 as a commodity? in fact never; i cannot buy Zero, only a token of zero (a game featuring her, a 3d figure, some lewd fanart; or an NFT, the token on everyone's minds). characters can never actually even become commodities (with the possible exception of 'adoptables', characters associated with a customary form of ownership). i might encounter Zero as someone's property, for example if i tried to sell my own Zero tokens at a large enough scale that it attracted Square Enix's attention. but what is being limited is my right to make products derived from this character, not my access to the character herself. in fact, what is limited is only my access to elements of her specific design and so forth. the breathless moments i spend with her in my imagination are completely authentic, unalienated, impenetrable to the form of Value.

[overwatch-does-stuff]

Lindholm Family Headcanon Dump!

I know Michael Chu retracted the statement that Torbjorn has a bunch of kids, but Chu just quit so I make the rules now. It’s a LONG post under the cut because I got carried away. Mostly starring Torbjorn, but featuring Ingrid, Reinhardt, and Brigitte (plus a bunch of other kiddos that exist but I don’t have headcanon names for yet oops.) There won’t be any Bastion in this one because that’s an entire other post’s worth of content.

- Torb has a big family. He and Ingrid had a couple children of their own while he had a stable position in Overwatch, but they found out that they loved having little children around the house, so after all of their biological children moved out, they chose to volunteer in the foster system! This lead to them adopting at least four more kids. - Which means they drive a huge van everywhere.  - Both Ingrid and Torbjorn are masters at driving as a result. - They’re exactly equivalent in skill with one exception: Ingrid can parallel park the van, a skill he has yet to figure.

- Their house is pretty big (the Overwatch paycheck paid well, that, along with Ingrid’s income,) so there’s plenty of room for all of them. - There’s three levels: upstairs (for the bedrooms and playrooms,) downstairs (for entertaining spaces/the kitchen and stuff,) and finally, the basement, which is Torbjorn’s personal workshop. - Most third world countries would kill to have a workshop as good as his. - It’s all because Ingrid spoils him so much. He gets just as excited for Christmas as his kiddos do. - “The latest arc welder? Aww, honey, you shouldn’t have!” - Ingrid doesn’t work in his field, but she listens to his special interests dumps, and puts in enough research of her own, that she knows just what to get him every year. - Ingrid doesn’t like getting gifts as much as he does, so for Christmas, he always makes sure to spend quality time with her. He jokes that he ‘sucks at planning dates’ but he really doesn’t! For her, it’s nothing but the top restaurants and most exciting experiences. She loves going ice skating in particular, something that he hates but will always do with her. - Torbjorn and Ingrid split the cooking equally. They’re a bit traditionally gendered with what they like to cook, with Torb leaning more towards grilling and Ingrid preferring baking, but it suits them just fine. - Their grill, along with every other cooking contraption in the house, has been upgraded in some way. In fact, Torb’s the one who grills only because Ingrid still can’t figure out how to use the damn thing since he upgraded it. - Their house is covered in contraptions of all sorts. Other than the grill, Ingrid utilizes every single one of them. Meals get served and sent around via chutes. The floors sweep and mop themselves automatically when they’re dirty. The dishwasher loads, washes, and unloads itself in record time. - You know the zany contraptions in the Addam’s family house? Think that, but more brightly colored. - However, Ingrid’s taste in interior decorating is the opposite of gothic or minimalist- she loves quirky, unique features and bright colors. - She loves thrifting.  - The huge chair they got for Reinhardt in the living room was a thrift store find that she’s still very proud of. - She also has an old-fashioned “live laugh love” wall with all of the family portraits. She knows it’s cheesy, but it’s nostalgic for her.  - She doesn’t just bring furniture home. She also brings home cats. - That’s right. Brigitte got her cat love from Ingrid. - It’s a long-standing tradition, with the first cat she brought home was over thirty years ago when they were a new couple. - Torbjorn swore that it would be her cat and that he wouldn’t take care of it. - He was wrong. - Very wrong. - He now loves his cats and calls them cutesy nicknames in whatever language he feels like in the moment. - He built them automated feeders, automated litter boxes, and even some automated toys. He spoils them rotten. - Every time Ingrid brings home a new cat it’s the same routine. He swears that this will be the last one and that he’s not taking care of this one! But that’s wrong and he knows it. - But, because Ingrid’s always bringing things home, she’s a little more tolerant when Torbjorn brings. . . a specific Omnic. . . home.

- But that’s a whole other fanfic that I would need to write, so instead, back to the parenting! - Ingrid is 100% a feral soccer mom. Torbjorn is just as bad. - They’re the ones screaming their lungs out at sports games.  - They have a house rule where their kids have to participate in one extracurricular sport. It can be school teams, club teams, or even just working out on their own, but fitness is something that both Ingrid and Torb consider important. - Torbjorn, of course, built his own gym in the basement. He trained with Brigitte, and now he trains with another one of his daughters who’s taken an interest in weight-lifting. - But this all doesn’t mean that the Lindholms discourage more creative talents! - Torbjorn crafted a giant steel board where any arts and crafts get hung with magnets. One of his little boys is an artist and he couldn’t be more proud.  - Brigitte experimented with metal art when she was a teenager, and many of her pieces are now permanent fixtures in the Lindholm home. - She crafted a particularly beautiful string of lights that hangs above the dining room table.

- Now it’s time for Uncle Reinhardt!!! - Okay, so maybe he’s called just ‘Reinhardt’ by the older kiddos, but everyone knows he’s essentially an uncle in all but blood. - He’s been invited to every holiday celebration for about. . . actually, he’s just always been there.  - He’s a true multi-generational staple. Brigitte can’t remember a holiday without him, and now the younger kiddos are getting doted on by him every Christmas.  - Rein loves telling stories for the children. He spends the entire car ride there planning his multi-hour epics. - Now that she’s older, Brigitte sometimes helps with the storytelling, contributing sound effects and such. - Something which just causes Torbjorn to laugh and shake his head. - Reinhardt also loves nothing more than being a walking jungle gym. As soon as he walks in the door, he’ll grab the nearest kiddo and put them on his shoulders. He’s often seen walking around with a kid in each arm and usually an extra hanging off his back. - Sometimes he gives Ingrid a heart attack when he starts throwing kids around, but hey, she’s known him long enough at this point that she (mostly) trusts him. - Everyone gets sad when Reinhardt has to leave, but he insists that there is justice that needs to be done. He soothes the kiddos by promising an even better story when he gets back.

- Now it’s time to get sad. . . here’s my Brigitte headcanons. . . - Brigitte was REALLY close with her father growing up. She spent so much of her time in his workshop learning from him, as one of the only Lindholm children to take a liking to machinery and engineering. - However, when she moved out. . . she found it difficult to escape his legacy. Everyone, many of the older industry professionals and the like, expected her to be just like her father. They tried to cajole her into finishing old weapons designs that Torbjorn had abandoned. - It was then that she learned the full extent of Torbjorn’s involvement in the Omnic Crisis. - She had a lot of trouble reconciling this news with her love for him. It’s still something she had great difficulty with.  - This shock played a big part in her decision to give up on finding a job in the industry and instead accompany Reinhardt on his travels. - It wasn’t a decision that Torbjorn endorsed, which hurt their relationship even further. - But it’s not like he doesn’t try to keep in touch. They call every other weekend or so to catch up, but there’s always a tension between them that neither one is ready to address.  - They will talk about it someday. They’ll figure things out. They care about each other too much for either one to give up.  - In the meantime, though, Brigitte has gotten a lot closer with her mother. She calls her much more often.  - They talk about all of the things that Brigitte wasn’t all that interested in when she was younger. Stuff like fashion, makeup, and more traditional advice, such as how to get a date or what it feels like to fall in love.  - Ingrid also makes sure to show her how the cats are doing over the online call.

- To be truthful, Ingrid isn’t too worried about Brigitte’s decision to live the rough-and-tumble lifestyle. It reminds her a lot of her own young adulthood, where she decided to pick up everything and move to the big city to get away from her parents. - She’s quick to remind Torbjorn that her own little rebellion is how they came to meet whenever he gets worried about Brigitte’s decision. - (They met at Ironclad. The only job Ingrid could find after her big move was working secretary. She fell head-over-heels for him immediately, while it took him a while to warm up.) - (Their first date was just walking around the city, with Torbjorn talking almost the entire time about random things he saw. He’d see the newest cars on the street and dive into what he knew about that industry. They’d pass by a construction sight and he’d point out what tool designs were similar to the ones he was working on.) - (When he realized that she was actually listening to him and taking him seriously, he agreed to a second date and never looked back.) - They aren’t a perfect couple- they’ve had their fair share of arguments, especially because they’re both deeply stubborn, but they’re always able to work it out in a way that makes them both happy. That skill is why they’ve lasted so long. - One thing they’ve never argued about, though, is Torbjorn’s commitment to duty. When they started dating he made it clear that his work was very important to him. Ingrid made it clear that she was willing to be patient. - It got hard when he was away for months at a time with Overwatch during the Crisis and its aftermath, but through constant online calls they managed. - The biggest surprise of Ingrid’s life was when he told her he wanted to have kids when the Crisis ended. - Turns out, having a major life crisis about how your career impacted the world makes someone want to find another purpose in life besides their career. - And thus, they dove into parenthood together. - Now they both couldn’t be happier :)

[millennial-star-gazer]

The Draconic Demon Within: Chapter 4: A Demon’s All-Consuming Rage

The Draconic Demon Within

Genres: Romance, Friendship/Family, Drama/Angst, Hurt/ Comfort, & New Adult Fanfiction

Vera's April 2018 Prompts: Soul, Empyrean, Savage, Memory, Trust, Fear, Unstoppable , Resilient, Supernatural (Implied) Lost (Implied) and Loathing.

Nalu Lovefest 2017 Prompts: Dreams

Nalu Week 2019 Prompts (Implied:) Lost, Curse, Trial, Treasure, Chance and possibly Bare.

Pairing: Nalu/EndLu,( Natsu x Lucy/ E.N.D. x Lucy)

Rating: M for language, steamy and mature adult sexual content (all consensual) in these and future chapters. Reader Direction is advised.(You have been warned!)

Summary: Now faced with the reality of who he is truly is, the son of Igneel must contend with the new darker instincts of his new demonic identity- all while navigating through his ever-growing, intense feelings for a particular celestial wizard. Originally a Submission (semi -au) for Nalu lovefest 2017 (on my previous celestialgeekmage account and now an entry for nalu week 2019 with chapter 3. (Also was on my earliest previous accounts of teamedwardjace/Twishadowhunter in the past. Also part of Vera's April 2018 prompt challenge from fic-writers appreciation on cosmicdragonwizard).

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Chapter 4: A Demon's All- Consuming Rage

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A/N: Hey guys, it's your girl back again with another installment of TTDW! Fun fact: Being temporarily off work for a few weeks due to pandemic has provided some extra free time to edit and posta new chapter for this fic ( which is on account of the temporary closures of public institutions, and public spaces along with non-essential businesses/services in Ontario-the Canadian province I'm from). This isn't to suggest I'm not without fear or concern about the pandemic or potential effects on global infrastructure but at least I'm mostly coping as best as anyone can at this time. Hope you guys are all too. ( A bit more on this in the A/N at the end of this chapter .) Anyway, hope that this chapter and my other fanfics along with those from amazing writers can help you all while stuck at home. All right, that's pretty much my whole spiel for now. Without further ado, here's Chapter 4 of TTDW-Enjoy! 

(Note: Scroll down past the read more button/cut for the  designated legend menu and actual story content).

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Disclaimer: Fairytail does not belong to me, but to the most honourable Hiro-sensei instead, for whom without this work of love wouldn't be possible. 

Read Previous Chapters of TDDW and on platforms here:

(Copy and paste the links into another  window if need be)

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Previous (Click Here:)  (or here: https://millennial-star-gazer.tumblr.com/post/185917542578/the-draconic-demon-within-chapter-3)

Next (Coming Soon:)

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C. A03 (Click Here:) (or here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17365061/chapters/40861307)

2. Ongoing Master  Post Of All My Writing (Click Here:) (or here: https://millennial-star-gazer.tumblr.com/post/179665258923/master-fic-rec-post)

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Legend:

Italic: Song Lyrics/Quotes (or flashback dialogue)

Bold: First Person Thoughts

Bolded Italics: Empathized, stylized Word(s) or bloodthirsty fantasies

Bolded Italics (Within and Outside Bracket) including for author's side notes also known as (A/N:) within brackets (though none for side-notes in this chapter ).

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"Your body is full of rage.

Every sinew. It is easy to read.

You speak volumes with a clenched fist."

( Paolo Bacigalupi: The Drowned Cities)

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"Seriously? Luce's alive?

That…. I can't...

A wave of overjoyed relief was washing over Natsu from the spectacular news about his best friend still breathing.

"Hear that Luce?!" He sobbed, not bothering to wipe the moisture from his eyes." You're alive and gonna be okay— Thank God! Really... don't ... know what I'd do without ya…," Scarlet-red eyes remained focused/trained on the face on the motionless angel in his arms.

"Pretty sure the guild and the rest of the people we know would be just as devastated if they lost such an incredible person and wizard . Glad you're okay either way though." Natsu's hands were stroking sweat-plastered strands of Lucy's hair back from her eyes with delicate care .

Really glad she's still in fact alive and kicking…

In that very moment , it was as if the world had fallen away; leaving just the two of them. Nothing else seemed to matter then . Not cold-blooded enemies in the room, or the recent battle just moments before; Not even E.n.d's unnerving metamorphosis. Just a dragon-demon and his most precious star with those subtle breaths, the visible rise and fall of her chest that somehow escaped any kind of major notice before.

Words can't even describe how relieved I am . Digits combed through Lucy's blonde tresses from crown to tip in a physical display of tender affection.

Hmm... Lucy's hair feels really nice. Natsu couldn't help but marvel at texture of her beneath his fingertips .Don't think I've ever stopped to fully appreciate it before .

"Gotta say that your hair feels really nice, Luce." Natsu voiced this innermost thoughts aloud; though his words were coming in soft. ."Smells real amazin' too."

Damn was the appealing fragrance of jasmine with a hint of cyclamen flooding his senses beyond intoxicating."like jasmine and that other flower we saw once— cyclamen, I think. . You've been using a new scented shampoo again, I see. Not that I'm complainin'."

"Psh—Listen to me" Natsu tacked on with a rueful chuckle that was still a bit thick from all that weeping before. " Gettin' all sentimental and crap. Hell... stripper would never even let me live it down if he heard . Still be damn proud of you though just like I am for how well you handled yourself in battle. Why don't we tell him all about it once you're awake and we're out of here?. Bet he'd like that . Till then, the two of us just need to sit tight and figure out our next move, okay?"

Wait ...

The fire demon's hands continued their fond movements- only for blood to freeze in his veins when noticing an unsightly contusion on Lucy's forehead; accented by a small gash just above her brow.

When did this happen? I swear those injuries hadn't there been seconds before .. .

Crimson eyes scanned his best friend's battered frame for further damage in alarm . My God... Natsu's breath caught in his throat at the sight of that line of discolorations on her legs . Not to mention all those scratches along with the small gash peeking out through the tattered remains of Lucy's Star dress .

"Oh Luce..." He sighed, remorseful voice breaking on her name. "Can see that you're in pretty rough shape right now. I'm so sorry. Honestly don't know how or why you had a delayed reaction to all the damage. But this wouldn't have happened if I only had grabbed you and run or got your spirits to transport you to their world, Hell— Maybe we could've both escaped and I could've helped kept you safe while figuring out this new demon form means for us together. Anyways, time to put pressure on your wound."

A hand tore a loose piece of fabric to apply pressure on the hemorrhaging wound. "See? You'll be okay . Gonnal get ya' all fixed up and good as new in no time ."

Damn Luce stills looks like an angel to me, Natsu mused in reverent admiration . Even with those injuries...

"Ooh- how cute!" Jackal's dervisie voice cut  through  the other demon’s reverie; whose arms automatically protectively tightened around Lucy's frame out of fierce instinct-automatic without a second though. Not to mention those two pair of eyes he could sense that set him on edge."

"Aw Damn." Jackal broke in again with a gleeful taunt that bordered on sadistic."That poor,pretty girl of you is covered in ugly bruises and scratches, Dragneel."

That little ...

Natsu's head automatically snapped around to meet Jackal with a baleful snarl. Damn was that all that black rage roaring in his veins all too consuming.

"There's that growling again" Jackal cackled, clearly unfazed at by the alpha demon's bared canines ." Bared fangs and what not. Such a shame what happened to Blondie here , or is it? You really did a number on her, huh Tempester?"

"Huh," Tempester mused, bland disinterest colouring his tone."it seems I did . Kind of forgot that my curses can sometimes have o delayed side effects on people . Who knows? That pathetic wrench might even have internal bleeding.

"You goddamned bastard!" The flame- eater raged, fury boiling over. "Lucy ain't pathetic or some kind of toy to play with ... God.. All those injuries… are you fault and . I swear that You're both gonna pay for what you did to her!"

"Oh-You think so?" Jackal scoffed with let out another infantilizing laugh —beyond infuriating .

"Someone's rattled." Tempster pointed out, listless eyes trained on the stone-brick wall ahead. "Unfortunate."

"You don't say," Jackal deadpanned, with a disdainful roll of the eyes ."But Seriously Though , E.N.D, do you even hear yourself? .I mean getting all riled up over a human girl in that way —talk about pathetic. Sure said girl is extremely beautiful with a killer bod and feisty personality to boot—I'll give you that. But is she worth losing your cool over or fraternizing with? I don't think so and neither should you . God knows all that pent up rage and aggression would be far more suited for another cause. Not to mention, you'd better off without her life tainting your judgement and hindering your full potential as the most powerful of all etherious. So let's resolve this, shall we? Hand over the celestial wizard and I'll gladly dispose of her for you . Sound good?"

" 'Sound good?'Sound Good?!’ Are you kidding me?"!

Good God did those last words only serve to incense the snarling dragon further.

" There's no way in hell I'm gonna give Lucy up or let either of you touch her!"

"Come on Dragneel-be reasonable."

"No-rot in hell!"

"Oh honestly E.N.D.-"

"My name is Natsu!"

"Well okay then, Natsu— Just calm down ." Jackal's couldn't seem to resist reprimanding the fire demon; as if he were some errant child pitching a fit ."You're being ridiculous. Anyways, tell you what. I promise to make her death as qui-"

"Shut up!"

" Quick and mostly painless..."

"I said shut up!" En.d's voice rose to an ear-splitting roar that could've struck terror into the hearts of the gods themselves. "Try anything on her and I swear I'll kill you!"

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To Be Continued

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A/N: Well that's Chapter 4 folks- hope you enjoyed! Now a bit more about the pandemic situation in Ontario . Like many other provinces and countries around the world,, the government of Ontario has opted to shut down/ temporarily close non-essential services, businesses, public spaces and institutions to help curb the spread of the virus for a few weeks (or more) before spring break. Such institutions include all schools and childcare centres/ services in those settings which applies to the childcare company I'm currently employed with. You know on account of most of their centres and programs being based in public schools. (Independently-run Daycares also remain closed. And yes i'm a ECE by trade for any who were wondering or didn't already). Schools and child cares were tentatively scheduled to reopen after April 5th; though the closures have been extended for another month (according to Doug Ford (the premier/leader of Ontario). Not ideal but at least it gives me some extra time for me to work on things alongside my writing(i.e editing upcoming chapters for fics and WIPS). All right folks, that's all I have to say on that subject.

As usual, please feel free to let me know what you think by leaving a comment/review , through a reblog or by any other means. Be sure to check out the rest of my writing while staying tuned for future updates of my fics and new projects along the way! (Links above, in the navigation and in bio If on tumblr . Also on fanfiction.) Anyway, take care and stay safe! Ta ta for now!

[symphonic--chaos]

@khaleesiofalicante :

My wishlist:  

I am not sure what exactly this means….But if it is about fanfics then I would love to read Magnus’ perspective of Rafe being adopted.

Also listed here on AO3

Without further ado:

It wasn’t that Magnus never wanted to be a father, it was that he’d gone so long without being one (he hoped, at least, that if he was one, someone would have said something), on top of the fact that both Asmodeus and his stepfather had been far from nominees for the Father of the Year award. Magnus didn’t know how to be a father, not to children at least. His grown children of the Underworld were something entirely different, they were stupid at times, careless, wreckless, but they still had sense. A sense of right, a sense of wrong, the guilt that followed when they did that wrong- it was easier to handle a mess that an adult made when you knew how to handle an adult.

Despite this, children were a light in his life. Pure, sweet, defenseless and so very inquisitive of the world, with such a huge opportunity to be taught such wonderful things, to see and be the good in the world. Max had come along during a time that made a relaxed, infinitely honeymoon-like life, chaotic, when he thought neither he nor Alec were ready to be fathers. They hadn’t even discussed it- but here they were, surrounded by the Lightwood family in an attic, Magnus being asked questions that made him doubt his previous thoughts of Robert being intelligent. Max was a little blue horned, chubby cheeked, grabby-handed baby who was given the chance to learn what true love was when Magnus finally, seemingly, caved to the will of the Lightwood’s wishes to adopt him into the family.

In reality, the decision came in one single night that week when he’d held him in his arms at 2am, his own golden cat eyes staring into the Mariana Trench blue ocean of the baby’s. A pang of some deep love he’d never known before had exploded in his chest when Max’s little lips had curled up in the slightest smile, his cooing of amusement filling their little area, barely masking Alec’s soft and steady breathing from the bed. Chubby fingers had wrapped around Magnus’s loose, dark locks of hair as Magnus hunched over, bare feet sliding effortlessly on the wooden floor as his thighs came closer to his chest, bringing the little one resting on them closer.

Two years of loving and basing his world around both Alec and Max had transcended him into someone he never would have imagined being. While he thought he couldn’t be more selfless or loving than what he’d given countless others, Max had made Magnus a whole new man. Max had brought about a new part to a world that had already been shaken to the core just by meeting Alec, one that had been cracked and split bit by bit from the agony of losing people he loved, by betrayal and hardship. Max was the kintsugi Magnus’s world had needed, Alec the vice to hold them together while everything was mended. Then, one night, there was him. Max was finally asleep after eight stories and a lullaby Magnus remembered from his youth in his homeland. Magnus had taken the utmost care to make sure the door shut without a single creak, groan or click, a relieved sigh heaved from the warlock’s chest as his hands released the door and handle. They lifted to run through the wild black and blonde streaked hair that he hadn’t bothered to style today, it could be just as ratty and homely looking as Alec’s sweatpants, which he wore under the robe he wore. They tightened the sash that held the robe shut as he turned away from the door, coffee and Alec the first things in mind, that is until he noticed the little boy in front of him. “Uhm… Hello?” Magnus said unsurely, his eyes flitting to the front door across the apartment, still slightly open from where he was assuming this small being came from. The boy stared up at Magnus, watching him through wide and excited eyes, eyes that seemed like they knew him already.

Magnus exhaled quietly as his fingers adjusted the robe once more, taking in all the tiny details of this… Beautiful child. A browner skin tone, definitely from somewhere with a lot of sun. A way he carried himself, with such a sense of pride and strength for such a little figure, Magnus had no doubt this was a Shadowhunter child. The fact that he’d gotten through Magnus’s wards and silently at that…  Maybe… “¿Hola?” Magnus said then, shifting to kneel in front of the boy, his long fingers moving to brush dark curls away. The boy didn’t flinch or shy away, Magnus noted, instead almost seeming to lean into the touch. The smile that came after the adjusted greeting had a soft ‘Ah. Alexander’ come in response, since he could only imagine that his love was back and he’d clearly been busy in the almost two days he’d been gone. “¿Cómo te llamás?” Magnus followed up with a soft smile, offering a hand in both greeting and a chance to hold if the boy wanted. “Rafael.” The boy said as his little nimble fingers reached out to rest in the long outstretched hand, a sudden shyness coming over the boys demeanor. Magnus’s heart stopped in his chest and a sharp breath was taken in at the name, feeling that involuntary prick of tears at the back of his eyes as the thought of Raphael came to mind. That sarcastic tone of voice, the rebellious nature, the way that he would always glare and swear but have the eternal looks of a 15 year old boy. Over 50 years Magnus had come to get used to it, accept it, come to see Raphael in some sort of way as a son to him, only to go through the agony of watching him die at Sebastian’s hand. He had tried to play off that moment so stoic, he’d selfishly only had Alec and his own life in mind. To this day he regretted nothing more than his last words essentially being ‘You owe me’. Five years may have been time for a person to cope at least somewhat over the loss of someone they loved, but to Magnus, seeing this boy, one with the same name- it brought back that sting. It took a moment of recovery, longer than Magnus would have cared to admit, the drop of smile and look of worry on the boys face had him shaking away the image of Raphael’s body slumped on the floor, locking those feelings, weak and all he could muster in the withering state he had been in the cell in Edom, far away into the vault he hid most things in his mind. A smile, albeit partially forced, graced Magnus’s face as he nodded and squeezed the boys hand gently, continuing their conversation in Spanish. “My name is Magnus, Rafael, and it is a pleasure to meet you. I once knew someone very strong and very brave by that name. I bet you are, too. Do you have a nickname you prefer, or shall we just go with Rafael?” Rafe, as the young one then requested, was a relief- certainly a way to bring down some of that pain every time he now thought of the name. “Well, Rafe, it’s late and you look like you’ve had a big day. What do you say we make up a room for you and you get a good night of sleep? We can even make medialunas in the morning if you’d like.” Though Magnus didn’t know of the ordeal the boy went through, the look of relief on his said that his assumption in having a long day was more than correct. Magnus’s long legs and torso had him dwarfing Rafe once he stood, yet his fingers never left their position wrapped securely around the smaller set equally clung to them. That pang he’d felt with Max was back, much faster than he’d experienced with his sweet little sapphire when they’d first met. Magnus wasn’t sure if this was due to being used to fatherhood now or if it was just something about the boy’s quick love of him, but he knew that this boy belonged in their home and his heart. A quick wave of his free hand towards a wall of the living room had a door forming from top to bottom, swinging open to an empty room to greet them. It was plain, boring by all means, but it was meant as a template for the boy at his side. Magnus wanted Rafe to be able to decorate it however he wanted, whatever way reminded him of home and made him feel like he was there, comfortable and safe. Crouching at Rafe’s level and waving his hand to the room, his voice echoed despite how quiet he spoke as his offer came to the amazed boy, who perhaps hadn’t seen a warlock at work before. “Rafe, I want you to think of home. Whatever you think, we’ll make this room and it will be all yours. Can you do that for me?” The boy looked considerate for a long moment before he nodded and looked to Magnus expectantly, waiting further instruction on how to describe it. Magnus of course didn’t expect what looked like a five year old boy to fully describe a room like the designers on mundane television shows, ones that went into minimal or boring homes and redid them to be extravagant and rich. “Close your eyes,” Magnus whispered, waiting for Rafe to do so before he placed a warm palm on Rafe’s forehead, his magic swirling around his hand and lacing in and out between his fingers.

“Got it!” Magnus flung his hand out as if he’d picked up a hot coal. The magic multiplied, spreading out throughout the room and traveling along the floor, walls and ceiling as Rafe’s eyes opened, widening in surprise and awe. The floors went from a dull grey to a rich, almost honey colored wooden floor, the walls from grey to a very plain and simple white. Surprisingly to Magnus, there was no windows in the room, though it looked like his magic was struggling to create one. Perhaps Rafael hadn’t decided on what he wanted it to look like, which was an easy enough fix. It was rather simplistic for a child his age, he almost would have expected it to be kidlike, with toys and bright colors.

What caught him off guard though, Rafael looking equally as inquisitive, was the cross on the wall above the bed that his own influence had conjured up in the room, along with the dressers and nightstand. “That is likely my fault, everything was always extremely religious when I lived in Latin countries.” Magnus reasoned with a shrug, glancing down to Rafe who nodded in understanding. When the air around them changed, at least to Magnus, signalling that Alexander had come into the apartment and was close to them, he was quick to smile at Rafe, saying in both Spanish and English as he snapped the cross away, “Let’s put away the cross for now, and talk about organized religion later. Let’s have a window, and let the light in. Do you like this one?” They had allowed the kids to stay up late that night due to the excitement and joy that their little family growing brought, and it wasn’t until Magnus looked down from his position laying on the couch that he realized that this night would be one he would never forget.

His fingers brushed gently through the jet black hair of his Alec, fast asleep with his head resting on Magnus’s stomach and his body along the rest of the couch. Max was also asleep, content and draped across Alec’s back as he drooled into the dark fabric of his daddy’s shirt. Rafe was tucked close, comfortably nested into the crook of Magnus’s protective arm with his head on the warlock’s chest, his body safe between Alec and the back of the couch. It was then the quick realization of how used to fatherhood he’d become thanks to the trial and error of raising Max the past two years making him confident enough that they would do just fine with Rafe in addition. “Welcome to the family, darling boy.” Magnus whispered as he pressed a kiss to the top of Rafe’s head, his cheek leaning against it next as tired eyes finally drooped and he succumbed to sleep.

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

[faean]

Adamance of a Dragon

Collaborator: @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

Rating: T+; Language; Puns; Depictions of Violence and Blood

Word Length: 4,723 (Got Carried Away)

Chapter 8 (2/2)- Show Me Your Will; Pleased to Meet You 

         ---

         “I have not had a real fight in ages, and it appears I will have to wait some time more.”

         While that upset a few villains and gave me an opening to disable them, I was beginning to tire. Eraser Head had taken down many enemies, and when I joined him, many more fell.

         But we are only two people. His Quirk usage had fallen drastically, and I had to counter it by increasing my own. I was skilled in hand-to-hand combat, thanks to Aria’s training, but my strength lied in ranged attacks with my magic and right now, I was running low. My plummeting into the fountain did not do me any favors, either.

         I could not reach any of the sources of water nearby to replenish my strength, unfortunately, due to the enormous, beak-faced, exposed brain villain that was plaguing my every move. He was much too strong for me to face without considerable magic, but he also did not seem very keen on taking me out. He only kept me separated from Eraser Head, which was fine by me, especially once my little clover, Tsuyu, and Mineta popped their heads above the shoreline and observed the ongoing battle.

         Foolish, really. 

         Their mere presence could shift the entire battle and, while Tsuyu is certainly capable of handling herself, Midoriya’s double-sided Quirk and Mineta in general would only make things that much more difficult for Eraser Head and myself. We can barely keep up our efforts, and there are still a few genuinely dangerous villains on the playing field.

         “Final boss.” I heard Eraser Head say as the villain covered in hands rushed him. I had thought he would be able to HAND-le him (probably should not be making puns in the middle of a fight), but the brain villain turned his attention to them.

         It was not until now that I began to feel…

         Anxious.

         Eraser Head’s elbow was destroyed, the hand covered villain toying with him as the brain villain made his way towards them.

         “Oh, by the way, hero. I am not the final boss.”

         “Umbra!” I shouted without hesitation, triggering the creation of an intricate magic circle of shimmering silvery black light in front of my open palm, roughly two feet in diameter. Several tendrils of inky shadows shot forth to intercept the falling hand of the brain villain.

         And it was just in the nick of time. I had barely managed to stop the villain from slamming Eraser Head into the ground, and a few more tendrils snaked through the air to enwrap more of the villain. He fought against it, forcing me to pour more energy into the spell to prevent the tethers from snapping. His strength is simply absurd, and it appears natural, considering his Quirk is currently erased.

         I struggled to keep the villain immobilized, digging in my heels and flapping my wings to try and give myself some leverage; however, the few remaining low-level villains rushed me. Reflexively, I took a deep breath before exhaling a scorching blast of fire around me, careful not to damage my tethers. A broken circle of molten earth surrounded me, the villains unconscious (and covered in burns of various degrees).

         Turning my attention back to the-

         “Mierda!” I yelped, unintentionally slipping into Spanish as the hand villain began to disintegrate…

         Decay…

         My tethers were crumbling to ash and pain shot through my right arm as the spell was broken. The magic circle shattered; the shadowy tendrils that were left faded into an inky mist.

         And my vision turned the same shade of black.

         ---

         Re…ow…y…tle...ragon…

         ‘What… happened?’ I thought, my head fuzzy and body still numb.

         Rest now, my little dragonling…

         ‘Rest… That sounds…��

         My eyes snapped open as my breath hitched, the reality of my situation settling in. I was trapped under dozens of tons of rubble. Ironically, the only thing keeping me from being crushed were the several pieces of rebar that jutted from my body and were embedded into a large slab of concrete that loomed over my exhausted form.

         Right leg, left arm, my abdomen, and several throughout my wings. Fortunately, there was not a lot of blood loss, which also meant that I must not have been out for long.

         Only for a few. Rest. They do not need you…

         Rolling my eyes, I just mumbled a string of swears directed at her, most of which were in Spanish (‘much more creative’, mis abuelos would say). My little spiel ended with ‘Qué te den’ before I heard an airy chuckle that faded away.

         Sighing, I stared into the darkness, well, dimness. While it was pitch black underneath all this rubble, I did have some form of night vision; not strong enough to see clearly, but it sufficed. Either way, it did not quell my rising anxieties. I have no idea where I am, and once my adrenaline wears off, I would surely go into shock and perish before I could get any help.

         And that is assuming any one can find me, or if any one survived. With just a single punch, that brain villain sent me soaring. The sheer force of my impact was enough to bring down the building that I was now trapped in. To top it all off, I was magically exhausted, using up the last of my energy to prevent my bones from being pulverized. Even if I got out of here, I could not heal myself, and I would not last long enough to get to Recovery Girl.

         Which would be pointless, anyway, since her healing uses a person’s energy to do so and I have next to none.

         I was fighting to stay conscious at this point, the constant dripping noise of the rain lulling-

         ‘Wait… Rain! Of course, I was being too daft to notice!’

         The USJ has a ‘Squall’ zone that is designed to emulate a rainstorm. I only need to get a steady stream to me, and then I could replenish some of my strength. Without a moment to lose, I gathered every ounce (or should I say gram?) of strength left in my body and propped my free leg against the slab of concrete above me.

         I pushed with all I had left, letting out a guttural shout as I fought for my life, but it did not budge. Panting heavily, my leg went limp.

         That was my only shot.

         It was not enough.

         My brain began to cloud.

         Pain began to set it.

         My breathing became uneven.

         ‘Think. Come on, Faian. You have spent years training your body and Quirk, but that means nothing if you do not calm yourself and do what you do best.’ I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing.

         My Quirk, my magic, my person, was dwarfed by the others at the college. I lacked the same experience and skill they had. I had to work infinitely harder to contend, and I only made it so far by honing the one thing that triumphed over raw power every. Single. Time.

         The mind… as cliché as that sounds.

         I became unchallenged in analyzing, predicting, strategizing and, most importantly, adapting. I got my provisional license just months before my twelfth birthday; felled villains wanted by the State of California and beyond; overcame my own depression and grief; and…

         I have a promise to keep.

         I will not be bested by some fucking rocks and a villain with a god damn hand fetish!

         Summoning strength straight from the very depths of my being, I drew the last breath I would draw underneath this rubble.

         ---

         “I am the great grandson of Quetzalcoatl, and you villains made the fatal mistake of tampering with a dragon’s hoard!!!” I roared with renewed vigor, the downpour coalescing around my battered form.

         I flew towards the villains before me, easily sweeping many of them away with a torrent of water, freezing it as it crashed into a towering building, nearly toppling it. If any attempted escape from within the ice, not only would they end up in a comparable situation I just escaped from, but they would have to deal with the tons of jagged ice, too.

         Ducking beneath a futile attack, I turned and slammed a villain into the ground with my tail before raising my hand towards the sky.

         A magic circle of swirling water appeared above me, and the rain slowed to a stop. Snapping the fingers of my raised hand, the circle pulsed as the rain collected into a massive bubble that spanned over a block and swallowed the tops of many buildings.

         With a wide, and possibly unnerving, grin, I thought ‘Aquae’.

         The magic circle pulsed once more before evaporating and the sphere of thousands of gallons of water descended with enough speed to break the sound barrier.

         Entire buildings were reduced to nothing as I leveled the area. Admittedly, I may have gone overboard (that is like the third intentional pun I have made in a life or death situation, today!), but it felt oh so good to fight in my element (fourth).

         Literally.

         I am a water dragon, first and foremost. While I may add the moniker ‘fire’ before it on occasion, it is only to reference my skill in fire magic (technically, I cannot naturally breathe fire I do with water, but my prowess with the element allows me to do so, requiring about as much magical energy as creating a candle flame). Of course, I would be even more of a force if I could draw strength directly from the sea, but give me a lake or a rainstorm?

         Well, I think it obvious what I can do.

         Although, none of that would matter if I was still stuck in the collapsed building. Drawing from the depths of my being, I was able to summon enough strength to let loose a mighty, spiralized water breath attack that essentially liquified everything in its path. With the rain falling directly on me, I was able to pull myself off the rebar, seal my wounds with ice, and recover my strength.

         Without any more villains in the surrounding area, I began my trek back to the center of the USJ. Being reinvigorated, my senses began returning to normal, although it would still take some time. “Coincidentally”, my hearing and sense of smell were beyond average, and I could rely on those quite easily. Even with all the rain and wind.

         Fortunately, that was all I needed to discover that Kouda and Tokoyami were nearby. Although, I did briefly think about how I should have been more careful before attacking.

         My worries were dashed when Tokoyami told me that they had heard the building collapse and that most of the villains had rushed to it. They were trailing behind and picking off any stragglers, not getting too close since they did not know what had happened. Thankfully so, too, since they were behind a building not even a block from the edge of my attack.

         “I see. The situation has only become more depressing.” Tokoyami stated after I recounted what had happened.

         “Indeed. And I would like to apologize for, well, that.” I gestured to the massive hole behind me. “Either way, it is reassuring that you two are safe. Perhaps our other classmates are as well.”

         The two nodded, but before another word could be said, several more low-level villains appeared, shouting for more to converge. I took a step forward, spreading my wings to guard my companions before letting loose another spiralized water breath attack; however, I was quickly brought to my knees.

         Kouda was soon kneeling beside me, steadying me as I violently coughed, blood splattering the floor and staining my lips. Tokoyami and Dark Shadow took to defending us while I recovered.

         ---

         “Forgive me…” I rasped to no one, limping my way across the USJ.

         I had left Tokoyami and Kouda behind in the Squall Zone, trying to return to Eraser Head and the others. Naturally, the moment I left the downpour, my strength began to fade again (can you hear my eyes roll?). I could not bring myself to fly, and my senses were beginning to dull once more, making me more susceptible to surprise attacks.

To make matters worse, the ice on my abdomen melted and my wound began steadily trickling blood. I was only able to fully heal the holes in my wings before I left the storm, barely managing to at least properly seal the hole in my arm and leg, and the entry point in my lower back, but the exit on my front was still open. With no other choice, I kept my tail tightly wrapped around myself, nearly halting the bleeding.

         And if that was not enough, I could barely even speak! I hurt my throat and taxed my lungs when I used my water breath to escape from the building, but using it again shredded my windpipe. While that is a small price to pay for going well beyond my limit, attempting any major magic now would likely result in my death.

         Well, it would be more akin to every atom in my body dissolving and being reduced into a puddle.

         Fun, no?

         *BOOM*

         There was a massive, well, I do not know. Obviously, it came from where I was initially sent soaring, but there was no one there who could possibly create such a ruckus singlehandedly, not even the brain villain. Bakugou, maybe, but it did not sound like an explosion.

         Unless, of course, there were two of those brain villains, or someone of the same caliber. Which must mean that All Might final-

         “Why the hell do you look like shit, cat eyes?” A certain blond’s voice came from behind.

         Which was hastily followed by the ‘manly’ voice of Kirishima. “You can’t just say that, Bakugou! It’s not manly criticizing someone’s appearance! But, why do you look so beat up?”

         Ignoring Bakugou’s discontented huff, I answered, my hand on my throat as I croaked out “Technically, he had asked that, and technically, my eyes are reptilian.” Bakugou attempted a “menacing” step forward but Kirishima blocked him as I continued. “I took a heavy hit protecting Eraser Head and ended up in the Squall Zone. Needless to say, it took a toll on me.”

         “Woah… A villain did that to you? But you’re so manly! I mean, Mister Aizawa even-”

         “Shut the hell up, shitty hair.” Bakugou interrupted (naturally). “If you fought alongside Aizawa, then you must damn well know just what those pathetic villains’ weaknesses are. Tell me so I can kick their ass, unlike you, cat eyes.”

         I looked into Kirishima’ eyes. They were filled with genuine worry, but there was a spark of determination. Bakugou’s had an ominous glint in them, desperate for a fight. I thought carefully of my answer, knowing that if they faced the same power I had, they would face Death.

         “Knowledge is not something I enjoy sharing for free… but be warned. If you falter in your endeavors, no amount of skill nor talent of your own will save you. Be wary… and accept that on the battlefield, there is no such thing as fair. Your only solace is that villains fight not because they have something to gain, but because they cannot risk losing everything.”

         I nearly toppled over with another coughing fit, blood caking the hand that covered my mouth. Kirishima practically lunged at me to help, but Bakugou just said ‘some help your scaly ass was’ before rushing towards the battle. I gave Kirishima a look and he paused for only a moment before following after him.

         ‘They will need help…’ I thought as I struggled to straighten myself.

         ---

         After a short detour to the lake, I recovered enough strength to fly again, cautious not to use any magic to worsen my condition. I now stood on the outskirts of the main battle, staying near the shore; however, I had a choice to make as Nomu turned towards Bakugou as he was restraining Kurogiri.

         Within an instant, Bakugou sat next to the trio of Todoroki, Kirishima, and Midoriya; All Might was in a defensive stance as he stood halfway between the villain’s extended fist and a wall with his arm bruised and shirt torn; and I stood with my claws deeply embedded in the forearm and elbow of the creature, using my limited strength to hinder its fearsome blow.

         Slicing through flesh and bone, I destroyed Nomu’s arm before leaping back towards my classmates, my strength spent as I fell at their feet. It did not do much, as the beast regenerated the damage I caused almost instantaneously.

         “These are kids, and you didn’t hold back?” All Might questioned as he panted.

         Shigaraki did not hesitate to respond. “I didn’t have much choice. He was threatening my companion. Besides, these kids are no angels. The plain-looking one? He tried to kill me with a maxed-out punch. And the one with wings? He nearly incinerated some of my men and just viciously shredded Nomu’s arm.”

         Reflexively, I shouted “In America, we call that a Sunday barbecue!” before clutching my throat and hacking up blood for the nth time. It did earn me a mortified look from my little clover and Kirishima. Bakugou smirked and Todoroki very nearly smiled, though.

         “Hm… What kind of “heroes” do something like that? You think you can get away with being as violent as you want if you say it’s for the sake of others. Well, you know what, All Might? That pisses me off. Why do people get to decide that some violent acts are heroic, and others are villainous? Casting judgment as to what’s “good” and what’s “evil.” You think you’re the Symbol of Peace?”

I very nearly interjected again with ‘No, he is so very obviously the Emblem of Order,’ but the pain in my throat (and possibly Kirishima’s hand on my mouth) prevented me from doing so.

         “Ha. You’re just another government-sponsored instrument of violence. And violence always breeds more violence. I’ll make sure the world understands that once you’re dead.” Shigaraki finally finished, and All Might said what we were all thinking (probably, I was thinking of what pun to make once Kirishima removed his hand… I think the blood loss is getting to me).

         “You’re nothing but a lunatic. Criminals like you; you always try and make your actions sound noble. But admit it; you’re only doing this because you like it. Isn’t that right?”

         “I thought that was a left hand on his face…” I muttered as I rose to my knees, but not quietly enough considering Todoroki coolly (not counting that one, too easy) told me to ‘Please stop…’ before raising his voice to speak to everyone else.

         “We’ve got them outnumbered.”

         My little clover replied. “And Kacchan found the mist guy’s weakness.”

         Kirishima quickly followed up with “These dudes may act really tough, but we can take ‘em down now with All Might’s help. Heh. Let’s do this.”

         “Don’t attack.” All Might ordered. “Get out of here.”

         Of course, his demand was met with some resistance from Todoroki, but he was adamant about it.

         “I thank you for your assistance, but this is different. It’s gonna be all right. Just sit back and watch a pro at work.”

         “But you’re too hurt. You’re bleeding. And you’re almost out of ti—” Midoriya quickly stopped as All Might gave a thumb’s up and I rolled my eyes.

         I mean, really? Can no one piece it all (might) together from his flubs?

         Either way, that is not important now.

         “Nomu. Kurogiri. Kill him. I’ll deal with the children… Let’s clear this level and go home.”

         ---

         “Now for a lesson. You may have heard these words before, but I’ll teach you what they really mean. Go beyond! Plus Ultra!” All Might bellowed as he sent Nomu hurtling out of the USJ, breaking right through the domed ceiling.

         In the ridiculous timespan of under a minute, All Might defeated the greatest foe on this field. There were exclamations from us about All Might’s terrifying tenacity and sheer strength, but as the dust began to settle about him, almost unnaturally converging on his towering form, he continued.

         “I really have gotten weaker. Back in my heyday, five hits woulda been enough to knock that guy out. But today, it took more than 300 mighty blows.” He turned his attention from us to the remaining two villains. “You’ve been bested, villains. Surrender. We all want to get this over with quickly.”

         Shigaraki began to unravel, his neck looking like what my throat feels like, and All Might’s taunting only pushed him further into despair. I folded my outstretched wings behind me, having used them to keep the five of us from being blown away.

         My classmates deemed the battle won, but the look on my little clover’s face gave a vastly different thought. Sighing, I thought ‘Plus Ultra, I suppose…’ before forcing myself to my feet.

         Fighting everything in my body telling me to collapse and drift away, I trudged over to All Might, drawing to my full height and extending a wing in front of him despite how my muscles ached and my soul screamed.

         “I suggest you heed his words,” I rasped out, my voice sounding almost reptilian, “lest you incur a wrath not of this world.”

         I fought back a shuddering cough, my tail tightening around me as I struggled to stay standing. That is when All Might, Aaron’s father, placed a heavy hand on my shoulder. He seemed to stand taller, and there was a fire in eyes, but behind that fire, I could see his doubts.

         There was no fathomable instance in which we will survive if they attack now, but we had to convince them otherwise.

         We just had to stall a little longer.

         “What? Are you scared?”

         I followed it with “Do you truly believe you can face us?”

         Shigaraki continued to panic, and it seemed we just might pull this off…

         “Shigaraki Tomura! Please, do not fret. Look at them. All Might has definitely weakened. Nomu’s attacks were successful. And the boy can barely stand. They’re on their own. The children appear to be frozen in fear. And, look, our underlings are recovering. We likely still have a few minutes before their reinforcements arrive. If you and I work together, we can do this. We haven’t missed our chance to kill All Might.”

         Kurogiri was not wrong, and Shigaraki began to compose himself.

         I slightly turned my head towards All Might, my shoulders falling. Not meeting his eyes, Aaron’s eyes, I whispered “You are more than just a symbol. Do not act when they rush us, just… Give them my regards. Aria. Aaron.”

         I focused back on the two villains before us. “My heart beats not for me…”

         ---

         “Don’t you ever do something so reckless, again, Faian!” Aria exclaimed in English as she helped me sit up, handing me a canister of saltwater. “Aaron’s message was already concerning enough, then I get here and have to fight my way through a bunch of thugs to get to my son! Who happens to be bleeding from his stomach and sounds like he smokes fifty packs a day!”

         Before I could respond, she turned to All Might, who was somewhere in between his muscular form and a skeletal one (no surprise there), she continued in English. “As for you, I swear. You haven’t changed in all these years! You’re almost as bad as my kids…”

         Finally, she turned to Midoriya, switching to Japanese and saying “I take it back. You’re as bad as them.”

         Finished with reprimanding us for our actions, she let out a tired sigh. “I’m just glad you’re all safe, now.” She wore a weary smile, and her glistening eyes brimming with tears held such warmth and love.

         “Mom… Thank you.”

         “Midoriya, Nadal, hey!” We heard Kirishima shout as he ran towards us.

         His concern was warranted, but there was a tension in the air when Aria’s eyes went wide as he got closer, and All Might fully transformed into his skeletal frame. Fortunately, a wall of dyed cement rose up, blocking him off as Cementoss reassured him that the pros can handle this.

         Honestly, the rest of the day was a blur. Midoriya and All Might were snuck out to get the medical attention they need, and Aria helped me into the school bus after I had answered a few questions for the police. I returned to the campus, changed into my casual clothes with her help, grabbed my bag, and she drove me home. She practically carried me in, complaining about how she was getting old (to be fair, I weighed well over 200 lbs. because of my mutations).

         Before she kissed my cheek goodbye, she ran the bath and dumped a container of sea salt in it for me. I heard the front door close as I eased (more like flopped) into the steaming water. A contented sigh escaped my lips as I sank beneath the water’s surface.

         After what might have been a few hours, considering how I fell asleep under the water, I got out and dried off. Changing into my pajamas and not bothering to dry my hair, I lazily strolled to my plush bed and buried myself beneath the mountain of blankets and pillows, curling about a few. I let the exhaustion in my bones lull me to—

         “Pleased to meet you, my little dragonling.”

         “¡MALDITO CARAJO!”

-----

Had a lot of fun with this chapter and got a little carried away, admittedly. Hope you heathens enjoy. Be on the look out for tomorrow’s Holiday request!

Beta Reader, Collaborator, Co-Writer, Grinch: @i-am-here-with-fanfic

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Man Self-Improvement #1 Thoughts

 A historic moment in Spider-History!

I’m sure you all know the backstory to this issue if you are reading this, but just in case you don’t I’ll briefly explain.

Once upon a time in the 1980s Marvel fan Randy Schueller proposed an idea about Spider-Man getting a new black costume from Reed Richards with all sorts of special features. Marvel liked the idea enough to buy it and bring the fan in to work on the story behind it. The original story ideas were never used but were later repurposed for what eventually became Spider-Man’s iconic black costume, which later of course was revealed to be an alien symbiote and later still became fan favourite villain Venom.

Spider-Man Self-Improvement is a comic book based upon Schueller’s original vision for the costume and the story surrounding it, but brought to life by writer Peter David and artist Rick Leonardi, coincidentally the co-creators of Spider-Man 2099.

Schueller’s original vision for the costume was that it was a high tech outfit created for Spider-Man by Reed Rchards. The design of the costume would ostensibly be identical to the black costume we all know and love, albeit with the white parts swapped for red. It would be made of unstable molecules (see the Marvel wiki for more info on what those do) that would improve Spider-Man’s wall-crawling powers and come with cybernetic components that would enable his to mentally control his webshooters. There are at least two drafts of Schueller’s original story that we know of, and an element in both of them is that the black costume is somewhat frightening to people and that Peter ends the story opting to not make the costume his regular attire. There are other elements to the story but we’ll talk about those later.

All the above elements are what made it into PAD’s version in this comic.

As a story unto itself it’s fairly superfluous. It’s really not worth the price of a standard issue of ASM, but perhaps wouldn’t have been as objectionable if it had been priced at early-mid 1980s prices (which even accounting for inflation were a lot cheaper than today).

There is nothing egregiously wrong with the story itself, it’s just very simple, basic and linear is all. As Spider-Man stories go at worst it’s subpar because it doesn’t address his personal life all that much beyond the very last page where he pricks his finger sewing his old suit back together; and I guess the fact that he can’t control his webbing.

The most interesting aspect of the story to me, beyond the superficial coolness of seeing the original black costume, was the idea that the costume would be scary and intimidating and thus prompting Peter to reject it in favour of his classic friendlier attire.

It’s a small but interesting angle to take with the character and feels I dunno...appropriate for Spider-Man’s character. It also touches upon a topic I talked about a long time ago regarding the black costume vs. the classic costume.

In that post I referenced a fan letter published shortly after ASM #300 where a fan talked about why the classic costume was much more fitting for Peter’s character. This issue by accident or design seems to subtly echo some of those sentiments. It is ironic though given how Peter David’s work on Spider-Man famously featured him in his black costume and used it to tell darker and grittier stories. Then when David and Leonardi went on to create Spider-Man 2099, who was also edgier than the classic version, they intended his outfit to also be red and black like this version of the costume. And of course now days PAD is working on symbiote Spider-Man, which is possibly what led to him getting the assignment for this issue.

I hesitate to really critique PAD for this because he is after all simply executing someone else’s story, and the story was really more of an under developed outline. It was a few ideas strung together and little more than that.

The design of the costume is cool, and having Rick Leonardi, which IIRC had some kind of contribution to the look of the original black suit, draw it was a cool touch, referential to history too.

His art in the story is also mostly fine. I say mostly because weirdly everyone looks fine except for Spider-Man himself. In either of his outfits in this comic he seems a tad...off. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but he just doesn’t look right and seems oddly out of place next to everyone else. To say it’s not the prime of Leonardi’s art like in the 80s or the 90s would be an understatement but it is not bad by any means.

More interesting than examining this issue unto itself though is the opportunity to play compare and contrast with both Schueller’s original drafts and the original Alien Costume Saga. That could get a little long but let’s try those out in brief.

Schueller’s drafts are actually included in this issue as a very fascinating piece of Marvel history. In addition to what I talked about above, you have Sue Storm and Janet van Dyne designing the look o the outfit in the first draft, Spidey being over excited like a kid with a new toy in both drafts, him having the equivalent of gliding web wings or a web cape in one of the drafts, his inability to control the webbing in both drafts and the idea that the cybernetics interfere with his spider sense, which is more pronounced in the second draft.

I think PAD cut these elements out to better streamline the story, and the Wasp making Spider-Man a new costume doesn’t jive very well with their established hostile relationship.

Firebrand’s inclusion in PAD’s version instead of generic thugs is likely to add something more visually dynamic to the story, something that would better test out the suit’s new abilities given how fighting regular thugs is something he could do in his regular outfit.

He retained the idea of Spider-Man having to rescue a woman though, just in Schueller’s original draft but changed her fate and circumstances; her situation reminded me of his Five Minutes prose story from Ultimate Spider-Man actually. In Schueller’s original draft the injured woman Spidey failed to save felt rather out of left field, something oddly dark and cruel to pop up in a story which up until then had been a lighthearted tale about a kid and his new toy. It also set up the idea of him becoming a darker avenging figure in line with the suit’s scary new look. Which was ahead of it’s time now I think about it.

The first draft I feel suffers from something I see a lot in fanfiction. I won’t rake fanfiction over the coals here because being wacky, experimental and well something you wouldn’t normally see in professional works is part of it’s charm. However Schueller’s script wants to use the lore of the established universe badly and use it to introduce something they’ve dreamed up themselves. That’s fine and dandy but often I’ve observed that this comes off as contrived in many fanfics and sure enough that is true here. Why would Reed Richards for instance whip up a new suit for Peter? In the PAD version of the story it’s still a little eyebrow raising but he essentially did Spidey a kindness after he almost died of burn injuries. In Schueller’s draft Wasp and Reed just decide to give him a gift out of the blue. Schueller better justifies this in his second draft but DeFalco still scrutinizes the decision.

I also think Schueller in both drafts sort of lost sight of the core idea behind Spider-Man, moreso in the first draft. He was clearly enchanted with the idea of Spider-Man having a high tech suit with cool features that he didn’t stop to consider if that really fit well for Spider-Man’s character. Credit where credit is due he did come to a compromise in his second draft wherein Peter would keep the suit but use it sparingly as a treat for himself. However I found the rationale behind that rather contrived. Schueller in fairness was trying a lot harder in that second draft and it was markedly better, but pretty much all of DeFalco’s critiques were on the money. Would Spider-Man really be like a kid with a new toy? Would he really care that much about his public reputation? Would the Bugle really not want pictures of this other superhero?

By the way, this is a total dick move on my part I admit, but seeing DeFalco shoot down Schueller’s script was I’m sorry to say kind of funny to me.

Overall PAD made much better use of Schueller’s drafts, he knew what to drop and what to keep and how to rearrange the pieces to make it all work much better.

More significantly I think is the fact that Schueller might’ve had more influence from his drafts than even he imagined. Some of his ideas are rather reminiscent of Spider-Man 2099 and the Iron Spider costume. Could it be that the creators of both were directly or subconsciously influenced by his original drafts? Or was it minds thinking alike? I prefer to think it was the former.

Comparing all 3 versions of this original story to what we got in the Alien Costume Saga I have to be blunt, the original is simply much better.

Making the costume an alien allowed for a more dramatic rationale to get rid of the suit and more importantly taps into the Parker luck. Rather than the costume being a cool new toy which has some kinks ad drawbacks which makes Peter drop it or drop it but keep it as a treat for himself, DeFalco and Frenz made the suit too good to be true. The Parker Luck in action!

The features of the Alien costume were also more impressive than those of Schueller’s, and they repurposed the way it interfered with his spider sense in a more interesting way. Rather than opening him up to possible dangers the suit itself WAS the danger because it didn’t trigger the spider sense.

So, whilst this issue is a fun ‘what could have been’ story, I think ultimately we were lucky to get what we got.

All that might sound like I wouldn’t recommend you pick this up but it’s quite the opposite, I think this is worth your time. Check it out.

[personas-against-antis]

My experience with anti-ism and back

Inspired by @huntypastellance's interviews with ex-antis, I decided to post my own story of how I became an anti and how I got out.

My inbox and messages are open in case anyone has any questions or wants to say anything.

Apologies for any typos, my typing is not the greatest.

Names have been changed to protect my friends’ privacy and to prevent certain antis mentioned from coming after me again.

Where It All Started

So back in middle school I fell in love with an anime called Hetalia, about the interactions between anthropomorphized versions of various countries. I had been in fandom for a while (my first big fandom was Sonic, but that was before antis went mainstream), and I was a pretty big follower of "don't like, don't read/look". When I joined, I immediately latched on to the ship AmeCan, or America/Canada.

They were cute and it was my OTP for a long time. The only problem with AmeCan is that, by a large majority of the fandom, America and Canada were considered brothers. I personally didn't see them that way, I saw them as adopted brothers at most, and I was always pretty squicked out by shippy fanfics that depicted them as biological brothers. The ship itself was still pretty big in that fandom, so I ignored the haters and immersed myself in fanart and fanfic.

I met a girl at my school (let's call her Duchess) who also liked Hetalia and we quickly hit it off. We soon asked what each other's OTPs were.

Me: Oh, I ship AmeCan.

Duchess: ...

Me: What is it?

Duchess: You realize they're brothers, right?

Me: Oh, I don't see them that way because [insert reasoning that I don't want to have to explain to non-Hetalians, just know that I explained that I didn't see them as brothers.]

Duchess: But it's canon. They canonly see each other as brothers.

Me: Oh...

In hindsight, I probably should have asked what she meant by “it’s canon”. Either way, I began to drift away from AmeCan due to lack of interest, and towards other ships (Romerica and AmeBela), and then to other fandoms. She still remained one of my closest friends.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I began to get really into kawaii culture and browsed the tags pretty regularly. Over time, I came across CG/L content. It squicked me out at first, but due to some sort of bile fascination, I began browsing CG/L blogs and began learning about that subculture. I actually enjoyed it quite a lot, but I knew that it would be inappropriate for someone my age (around 13-14 years old) to participate in kink, so I kept my distance and admired it from afar.

Soon, Duchess brought it up at lunch.

Duchess: I really hate seeing DDGL stuff everywhere.

Me: Haha, yeah...

Duchess: I mean, It's practically pedophilia!

Me: Mhm...

That's what I had thought at first too, before researching it. But she kept talking about it.

Duchess: They're sexualizing children, and children's toys! It's so gross! I actually made a blog against it.

Me: Whoa, really?

Duchess showed me her anti-CGL blog and I quickly followed it because she was my friend, and slowly began to follow other anti-DDLG blogs as well, even making my own: rise-against-ddlg. I took it down due to lack of interest, but antis had already grown on tumblr, and I was torn between my "don't like, don't look" policy, and wanting to "help" survivors. So outwardly, I became an anti, while guiltily reading "problematic" fic and playing "problematic" games in secret.

One such problematic game was Yandere Simulator, and I began to browse those tags too, when I discovered another anti blog, this time against Yandere Simulator and Alex Mahan, a.k.a. Yandere Dev. I learned he was fairly homophobic, sexist, and transphobic, especially in his own private chatroom, and began to idolize that anti blog. Suddenly, they released an invitation to a Skype group chat. Eager to meet my heroes, I quickly applied and was approved.

The Group Chat Incident

I loved that chat. It started with 15 people, but slowly trickled down to nine, including myself. I found myself isolating myself away from my real life friends and family, too focused on the group chat, as they made dropping out of high school and staying online all day sound cool. I kissed up to them, desperate to be seen as a good person. But, soon, I began to question myself and the group. The mods were very against "problematic" content, like Killing Stalking, and NSFW depictions of minors, but were also quick to draw NSFW of minors (specifically Budo and Senpai from YS). I introduced them tot he game Boyfriend To Death, and one of them quickly latched on to the character of Rire, who brutally rapes the protagonist in game, despite them being against rape. The main mod even introduced the group to a game called Artificial Academy 2, in which you can rape others and be raped.

...There was a lot of rape and NSFW in that chat.

But, there was also a hierachy. At the top were the two main mods of that YS blog, Mod H and Mod J. Joining them at the top was a very cool person and a good artist who acted very much like an older sibling to all of us, Member M. Then, there were three more people who tended to kiss Mod H, Mod J, and Member M's asses, and at the bottom was me, my friend Foam, and Member C. Mod H was the ruler of that chat. Anything they said, went, and if you disagreed, they'd suddenly play victim, manipulating and gaslighting you into apologizing. They loved Dragon Age, and now that game has been forever tainted for me, considering how much they shoved it down my throat. They would also tease me and my interest in Persona 5 (saying that the protagonist looked like The Onceler, subsequently calling me a "Onceler Fucker" for finding him attractive, along with making fun of when my tongue slipped and pronounced "Goro" as "Gort"), only stopping when I had Foam address the group to tell them to stop. There was a livestream that I was really excited for, talking about it since it was announced and they seemed hyped for me as well. Only when I placed a rabb.it link in the chat so we could all watch, only Member C showed up. When I returned to that chat, they were watching Yuri On Ice, and they wouldn't even let me talk about my livestream.

During that time period, I created a group chat for me, Foam, and another internet friend I will call Emilia. I though Foam and Emilia would get along really well, so i formed a Skype chat with them, and allowed them to talk. Slowly though, me and Foam began to use that chat to bitch about the group chat behind their backs, because we were terrified of the backlash if we tried to criticize them to their faces, due to Mod H's tactics of avoiding conflict. We soon added Member C to the chat as well, after they were constantly getting dogpiled by the rest of the chat.

That December, the Bode meme was in full swing and Foam mentioned in the group chat that he didn't get it. The group chat immediately began to make fun of him and I, sick of letting them control our lives, stood up for him. The group chat just continued to dogpile and we continued to try and fight until Mod H eventually left the chat, in one of their methods to get us to apologize to them. I was feeling overwhelmed and also left, and Foam tried to surrender and tell the chat to stop, but they wouldn't let up and he left too. Member C was the only member we remained on good terms with who was still in the group chat.

I made a post on my blog saying that i didn't want to interact with those people anymore and they got mad and began to try and message me. I eventually messaged an official statement, citing their abuse of me and Foam, and blocked all of them across social media.

They created a fake blog to get around the block, and I was dumb enough to fall for it.

Member C even turned on us, revealing me and Foam's messages with her and claiming we were abusing and bullying them. Suffice to say, I cut off all contact with Member C and changed my main blog's URL.

I was harassed and stalked and I carried that fear of them looking at my blog for a long time. I still worry about it sometimes.

The worst part, in my opinion, was that I changed my own name that I had chosen for myself because it had become a trigger for me hearing them say it so many times. And I really, really loved that name.

There was so much hypocrisy, so much fear in that chat. Now, looking back, I wished I had never joined, but in those months after I left...I felt empty inside. Aimless.

Out of curiosity, I looked up cult behaviors, and that chat hit nearly every single one. It's scary looking back on it. Even writing this, over a year after I left, my heart hurts.

But even leaving a cultish group chat didn't knock me out of anti-ism.

Villain Ships and Past Revelations

Remember how I mentioned that I love Persona 5? Well, I ship a ship called ShuAke, which a very loud subset of people claim is abusive.

Spoilers for Persona 5 up ahead.

ShuAke is a ship between the protagonist (shujinko in Japanese, which is where the "shu" comes from) and Goro Akechi. I shipped ShuAke since before Goro's name was announced, when all we knew was his design. Goro turned out to be a detective hunting the Phantom Thieves, the protagonist's group. The cat and mouse aesthetic really suited my fancy, with the protagonist's thief alter ego, Joker, seducing the naive Detective Prince. Swoon.

Of course, the ship shattered when the game was released in Japan and it turns out Goro tried to kill the protagonist, was working for the bad guy, and betrayed the whole group.

I was shocked and essentially went through the five stages of grief. I was torn between abandoning the "abusive" ship and evil character...or ignoring the haters and shipping it anyway. After way too much debate, I chose the latter and stuck with it.

The anti-ism died down quickly due to a lot of the fandom hibernating until the English release, and I happily shipped ShuAke and supported Goro Akechi with little objection. Even when the game was released in English, I stood my ground and even argued in support of Goro with anons.

And yet, I still considered myself an anti.

Late May of last year, some repressed memories came to light. I had been sexually abused by a close family member and a few girls at camp when I was younger, with other fragmented and questionable memories in my brain. It put my past into light, as I had also had a self destructive habit of attempting to seduce older men online, due to low self esteem. That was not a fun week for me, and I found myself diving into dark fic, particularly rape fic, in order to make sense of it all. I even wrote some in an effort to just get it out of my brain.

And it worked. It was really therapeutic for me.

And yet...

I still considered myself an anti. Every word I read or wrote was mixed with guilt over what I was doing, even though it worked. While I'm still a sexual abuse survivor, as I always will be, I'm much more well-adjusted by participating in those dark activities, rather than wallowing in self pity and slipping into a depression, like my old group chat would have expected me to do.

I dropped anti-ism later, with the help of one blog.

Back to "DL,DR"

The blog @anti-anti-survivor was recommended to me, and anti!me, looking for a laugh, clicked on it...and soon found that pretty much everything they said made sense to me. I saw Mod h in the people they argued with, Member C in the people they called out...and I realized that I had never been an anti, just hiding behind that label.

I sent an anonymous message to them (though I guess it isn't so anonymous anymore, ha), thanking them for opening my mind to it, and created my own anti-anti blog. I realize I'm not very active on here, but, well, I'm lazy and I'm more of a reader than anything else.

And of course, there was another problem.

Antis are fucking everywhere.

I'm terrified of posting pro-shipping stuff on my main, and I'm terrified of admitting I like problematic ships. I'm in a Discord server that keeps spouting anti-kink and anti-ship stuff, and I have to keep my mouth shut or risk being banned, just because most of the time they're really nice. Duchess even messaged me one day, absolutely shocked that I admitted to shipping Shidge.

I'm happy now that I don't have to feel that guilt but, reading what antis do and then finding out that people I hang out with are antis...it's horrifying. I'm not a confrontational person. I never have been. But I'm sick of rolling over and accepting what everyone else deems is problematic fiction.

I'm mentally ill, a sexual abuse survivor, and dark fic and dark shipping helps me cope.

Deal with it.

[weetabix-su]

Can Of Beans

I can’t write.

By that, I mean: I can’t write convincing characters that don’t sound like overpowered versions of myself in a fantasy setting, or a version of myself with high moral standards unfazed by the conditions and unwilling to change for the better but ever-so-willing to change the world to his liking.

I realized this as I try to wring out the next game story idea to come out of my head. All the concepts I’ve been practicing with utilize ideas collaboratively thought out with other people, but none of them purely out of my own. I’ve been selling myself as a “games programmer” for some time now, but as far as I can see it with my rose-tinted glasses you need to be capable enough to make the entire shebang by yourself to be able to become “desirable” in the industry. Not only does one need to program the product, but one has to design and make its assets and market it, like some ridiculous one-man band.

So here I am, starving for ideas. Thanks to the virus sweeping the planet, I’ve been caved in to this room for weeks with minimal exposure to the outside world. People outside are lining up for hours just to buy some tissue or soap. The infection is spreading faster because of intentional neglect of hygiene, and some massive dicks are utilizing Philippine-grade crab mentality to drag people to ruin by wiping dirty hands on elevator buttons and forcefully removing health workers’ protection in hospitals while sneezing violently at them.

My pen is engaged on the paper. Too late to go back now. What do I write about? A guy with glasses and a face mask, dressed in all black pants and hoodie, with only a minute to buy the essentials and medicine.

Where did he come from? Me.

I’m that guy with the glasses and the face mask, dressed in black pants and hoodie. I’ve done nothing but cave in with the folks in the small two-bedroom flat for several days, only coming out when I’m asked to buy foodstuff at the grocery next door. The items on the list one time went like this: asparagus, some eggs, frozen bacon, sliced bread, baked beans.

I reminisce about other stories and concepts I’ve written and dreamt of in the past. A time travel fantasy about a boy, a girl, their entire class in their final year of primary school, and airplanes falling out of the sky? That boy was me, at the prime of my commercial airline fanatic phase, wanting to make it right with the girl I used to like a lot, isekai truck style (or, for this matter, isekai jet). Janitor with a history of running away from family, now living in the staff room of a big-ass building in Tokyo and oftentimes doing parkour at night? Yours truly, with a sprinkle of teenage angst and highfalutin expectations of peak puberty that never came true. Even in the story I’m most proud of -- a nuclear winter dystopia fanfic about Vocaloid voice bank mascots. I mirrored myself to a badass version of Kiyoteru Hiyama, now some robotic-acoustics professor genius defecting from a Miku-controlled East Asia. I felt every person I wrote in a story is just me talking to myself in different hats and wigs, with some cardboard cutouts for company.

When other people write their stories, they have other source material to pull from. A favorite book from an author whose works are outside my social class, a TV show from a genre I don’t like, or a picturesque dream in a forest with a couple in it. Heck, some people just take bits of the Iliad and make lots of bucks out of it. I feel like, when I do it, people will see that I just literally copy-pasted my inspiration in and added my face into the mix. Trust me, I tried. I had another fanfic idea, and people on the imageboard were quick to spot that my “original idea” was the entire plot of Chobits (a manga/anime series I wasn’t aware of back then).

It sounds ridiculous, but I feel -- behind my tin shell of confidence -- people will easily open it up with a specially-developed opener forged by decades of experience with fiction to expose how terribly vain and shallow I am. What other folks can think of at the drop of a hat, I have to try and piece together something from my limited experience and recollection of content consumed.

Now that the can is opened and the beans are spilled, I find a fork with many paths to how I should proceed. I could muster the strength to start reading books and comics again or religiously follow a series/film watching regimen, but I fear that takes time away from creating anything. I could just keep my head down and make what flows out of my head regardless of depth, but I think my ego won’t like it in the long run.

My pen lifts after filling a page with an intersecting road filled with orthographic pharmacy and convenience store buildings next to an off-scale bus. I turn to the next page to write about cheap plastic battery-operated car toys and their ambition to become remote-controlled wonder things despite their lack of controls.

I like cars. There’s so many ways this can be about me again.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff: Blisstina Utonium {PPG2k16}

WARNING: Anybody should be able to be a Powerpuff Girl. Apologies for the delay...Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Narrative 101, me amigos. When it comes to giving a new character the limelight, few things to know is that the origin should be easy to follow, the character should get some EARNED value in the show’s universe, and coincidences shouldn’t be the things that help or hurt them.

And we’re talking about a toy hype train crash, ladies and gentlemen

And I hate to say this, but “Blisstina” (Blisstina?) is the exact opposite of what I just said. Her origin was so full of holes and continuity errors, it felt like a driveby literally gunned down logic on the streets. Her value amounted to making sure the Professor was less of an ass to her and saving the day with the trio, nobody really learning anything about what the extent of her powers or how she wants to change or be different from before. And everything that happens to her was generally out of nowhere, like everything else this special offered (Mojo’s appearance was especially stuffed in there; offered no real reason to include him at all). This special not only felt lazily made but insulting to those with actual varied intrigue in seeing this character thrive. In short, it’s...

But what did we all expect here?

Like Gizmodo pointed out, Bliss (Bliss?) deserves better than being a mulatto powerpuff girl whose essentially an unstable timebomb, an unnecessarily powerful fanfic OC, and an undeservedly mistreated character that probably won’t be back again. However, I felt curious, I wanted this reboot to actually do better after giving me PTS with its horror of a first season, but even my monstrously low expectations were met with a flaccid taste in my mouth and I felt a step below disappointed. How are you able to do that? No clue. So you know what? I’ll be positive on this. Hear me out on this:

The Good Stuff™ Guide to a better “Power of Four”

*Side note: The hair needed to go. It looked like a banana leaf fundipped in meth glitter. They should’ve change the color to brown or white (complimentary to the black, blonde, and red heads of the trio) or shorten the length of it to make it less distracting. I mean, teal hair can work in cartoons, people.

You gotta respect your character designs. It’s 2017!!

Now to be fair, they had some good(?) ideas when it came to helping Bliss be a character. Olivia Olson played a great older powerpuff girl, her story amounted to a fish out of water story (which can work), however the reboot knows not of how to “growth”. They say they wanted to develop these girls, they wanted to “expand the family”, but you should know that after a year, they haven’t come up with jack diggedy fucking squat. So with execution, they just make jokes at how the trio is handling her OP-ness and whatever miscellaneous shit that just appears to move things along; never giving her a real edge to becoming a character that we want to see. So with all this, I’ll put it this way. What if, instead of the story they had, Bliss was actually:

A next gen powerpuff girl, made by an enthusiastic chemical scientist that admires the Powerpuff Girls and wanted to create one themselves. They decided to “accidentally add” Chemical W to give the girl that possible oomph above the girls in power. Bliss is born, with better hair and is still overpowered, and she trains to control her powers with her creator. Years pass, the creator has grown passive of dealing with her and becomes negligent and somewhat abusive in making sure Bliss stacks up with the trio. Then one night, Bliss sees the Powerpuff Trio on the TV and is awestruck at the thought of having sisters since she’s honestly alone. So she jets off to Townsville, finds the girls, and wants to prove her worth in being just as great a hero as them. The girls agree, but Bliss’s instability starts to affect her control of emotions, causing her to become more hardcore, in tune to the spirit her creator once had for her. Later on, fighting Him or whatever, Bliss sees this and feels ashamed of herself. However, the girls comfort her, asserting that while her attitude and powers can be a handful, she shouldn’t think she can’t be a powerpuff girl with them. So they defeat Him or whatever, and Bliss feels that she can’t stay there because she isn’t family, and while the girls beg her to stay, Bliss wants to travel the world in search of seeking control and be a powerpuff girl that the world can count on.

Now that’s simple, but here’s a more unoriginal-original approach. What if Bliss was:

The Professor’s original powerpuff daughter (her creation same as beforehand), but her reunion equals to her being a mature teen that has controlled her powers and is considered an international hero. Bliss forgives the Professor for his inability to find her (after secretly searching for her all that time; not wanting to tell the girls she probably died), and she and the girls mutually consider each other as a part of the family. However, when they decide to fight crime together, the episodes reveal her to be a mercenary; only willing to be a hero when the money is right. The girls see this and try to convince her to think otherwise, with little avail, and yet never discard her because she’s still saving the day. Then when Him or whatever gets the better of the trio, Bliss helps saves them and they defeat Him or whatever together. And in the end, she doesn’t believe in quitting her code of work, but still believes in helping her sisters no matter what, free of charge. Then she leaves for elsewhere, not wanting to mooch off of the trio’s turf, and keeps their heroic code in mind.

Again, unoriginal, but understandably original for this

And here’s one more, and this is considerably my favorite concept. What if:

The Powerpuff Trio create Bliss like they did with Bunny. Except now, she’s the weakest of the four. She can’t lift well and is shy to the bone around everybody. The Girls know Bliss can’t be a powerful superhero like them, so they try to see how she can still help them, again to little avail. However, dramatic irony; we find out that she’s very spontaneous and tactical. So when they fight Him or whatever, and the girls are getting crunched, she summons the strength to come with a plan to help the girls and indirectly attack Him or whatever almost simultaneously (JJBA Part 2 style). It’s successful, the trio defeat Him or whatever and celebrate Bliss’s aid out there. Bliss feels better about herself, but decides to not want to be a superhero and instead become a person that helps reconstruct the buildings and shit (an engineer?) YES, that’s it. So Bliss gets accepted to an engineering school away from town and promises to come back and help the girls and Townsville while remaining in the sidelines, never forcing her out of her comfort zone but alleviating her nerves to go about her confidence feel like a Powerpuff Girl in her own way.

When I get down to it, these concepts could still dote the fact that while Bliss didn’t/couldn’t consider herself family or a powerpuff girl, the girls help affirm her positions, give her comfort for a future ahead, as well as give us a character we’d want to see, root for, and protect. This reboot can be a shit mop all it wants, but I won’t stand seeing them squander ideas that were good and were what people might have wanted from this show. And while I know season 3 doesn’t sound like it’s happening now that this flopped, I wanna close this out with one request to @cartoonnetwork. Hope ya’ll listen...

Bring back the original PPG for Boomerang, continue giving Olivia Olson kudos for doing great voice work, and broadcast your other shows more on your TV network while getting your streaming app together.

BUT, most importantly,

Powerpuff girls Doujinshi cartoon. Okay CN? 2020. Powerpuff girls Doujinshi cartoon.

[echoeternally]

Nexus Support: Slippy/Fox (1)

Hello there! This is still part of Nexus of Lylat, a Star Fox fanfic!

If you’re following this route, you’re looking to see Fox develop his relationship with Slippy. If you want to select a different teammate, head back to the last chapter, found here. Or if you’re new to the story, check here.

Regardless, enjoy this first part!

[Great Fox Laboratory, Present Day, 21:36]

 Inside of the ship’s gray and metal lab, Slippy tooled with a device at his desk, screwing in a plate over the hexagon shaped object.

 “This should get the kinks out of it,” he muttered. “All set…now let’s see.”

 He stood up from his stool and clicked the gadget. It generated a cyan hexagon light that surrounded Slippy, who grinned.

 “Perfect! The Reflector is working again!” He walked back to his desk and stared at a pile of Reflectors on the table. “That’s…one operational, and a whole lot more to go.” Groaning, he brushed a few tools aside and placed the working Reflector alone. “Well, at least that’s started, anyway. Falco just better use it properly this time.” He gazed at a shelf filled with inventions of different sorts. “Yeah, unlikely.”

 “Recognized,” sounded a recording of ROB from the door, as Slippy yelped and dropped from his stool. “Pilot Designation 01: Fox McCloud.”

 “Huh?”

 Confused, Slippy picked up his red cap from the front of his face as Fox walked into the laboratory. The green eyed leader glanced down at his mechanic, still down on the floor.

 “Slippy?” Fox jogged in and to Slippy’s side. “Are you all right?”

 “Yep, I just…slipped, I guess.” The toad chuckled as he pushed himself to his knees. He stared at the hand in front of him, and then up at Fox. Smiling, he took it as Fox helped lift him back up. “Thanks, Fox.”

 “You’re welcome.” Fox folded his hands over his hips. “You should be more careful, Slippy. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt just working in here.”

 “Been there, done that.” Slippy waved his hand and laughed, but stopped when Fox didn’t laugh along. “Uh, sorry? I guess that’s not what you’d want to hear.”

 “No, I really don’t.” Fox shook his head. “I know that messing around with tools and vehicles is full of some dangers of their own, but I don’t need my mechanic getting taken out by one of his projects.”

 “Easy, Fox, I’m fine,” soothed Slippy. “Nothing to worry about, honest. I’m just clumsy.”

 Sighing, Slippy sat back on his stool and sank into it, staring down at his yellow jumpsuit and the jacket beneath him and placed over the seat. Fox tilted his head in confusion.

 “Everything ok, Slippy?”

 “It’s nothing, Fox, I’m fine.”

 “I didn’t mean to scold you,” apologized Fox. “I just don’t like seeing my friends hurt.”

 “Don’t I know it?” Slippy glanced up and smiled at Fox, fixating his dark blue eyes on his friend. “You’re always looking out for me, Fox. You’re the best friend that anyone could ask for.”

 “Yeah, I try my best.” Fox shrugged. “Though, I guess I’m not sure I do enough for everyone.”

 “Fox, you’ve literally saved the Lylat System multiple times,” deadpanned Slippy.

 “I meant my team, specifically,” chuckled Fox. “And I had plenty of help with saving the galaxy.”

 “Yep, Peppy does great, Krystal’s fitting in nicely, and I guess it is true that Falco helps.” Slippy laughed at the last part, slowing to a stop again as Fox simply smiled at him. “What?”

 “I was talking about you, Slip.”

 “Me? Nah, I just give you guys shiny toys.” Slippy kicked his feet lightly at the air and stared back at the floor. “I’m not exactly the most useful member on the team, and you’ve seen me today alone: I’m useless at flying.”

 “We’re not all about flying and shooting things, Slippy,” corrected Fox. “Though, you’re suddenly far more skilled than everyone in the Landmaster.”

 “Ha, you got me there,” admitted Slippy.

 “Your shiny toys are also what helps not only our missions, but essentially our every day life,” continued Fox. “You’ve done a lot of work with Space Dynamics, too.”

 “So has my dad,” pointed out Slippy.

 “Obviously, but he’s the director of engineering,” countered Fox.

 “Well, as his ‘mechanic prodigy’ son, I was expected to follow him,” noted Slippy. “I still am, some day. Dad told me that when he steps down, he’d love to appoint me to the director’s chair. I won’t while I’m still on the team, which he respects, but at some point, he does want me there too.”

 “Is Beltino planning on leaving soon?”

 “Him? No way.” Slippy chuckled. “He’s like Peppy and General Pepper: a stubborn old guy that will keep working until he finally crashes from exhaustion.”

 “There are worse ways to go,” noted Fox with a slight laugh. He sighed and dropped his shoulders. “A lot worse.”

 “Fox, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…!” Slippy groaned and hung his head. “See? This is exactly like me. I’m the big screw up! Only I would take a good conversation and completely twist it to a bad one.”

 “What? Slippy, that was all me,” contended Fox. “You were normal with the conversation. My mind just had to go to the dark place it always goes to.”

 “It doesn’t always,” alleviated Slippy. “You’re usually great at cheering me up.”

 “So why am I getting us both down tonight?”

 “Well, you visited your parents’ old house earlier, so that’s what has you down…how was it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

 “Old, dusty, nothing special and yet everything important.” Fox emptily gazed at the table on the other side of the room, where Slippy had started working on a barrier device, along with screens of blueprints. “It would have been nice to have grown up there.”

 “I’m sorry, Fox.”

 “Me too, but there’s nothing I can do to change it.” Fox picked himself back up and forced up a smile. “Besides, I turned out pretty well. Academy dropout, maybe, but pretty good at flying, something of a galactic hero, and occasionally helpful with a few important people in my life.”

 “Who?”

 “For starters, I’m looking at one of them.” Fox smirked as Slippy chuckled, twisting around in his stool with raised shoulders. “Your turn. What’s up?”

 “With me? I don’t know, a few things have been on my mind.” Slippy hopped up from his stool and pushed a crate over. “Want the stool?”

 “Crate’s fine.” Fox sat down on it, while Slippy waited at his side and looked him over. “Is this one important? Need me to get up?”

 “Just a second, I need to read the top.” Fox lifted himself up slightly as Slippy looked beneath him. “Nope, this one is fine. Sit.”

 Barely raised above it, Fox dropped back onto the metal crate and rolled his shoulders. He watched as Slippy picked up another Reflector and opened it with his screwdriver. He grabbed at the sides and tugged on it.

 “Um…Slippy?”

 “Sorry, I thought…this would be…quicker.” Slippy gasped as the tool popped upon. The toad flailed around and nearly fell back over, but was swiftly snatched back up by Fox. “Thanks, sorry.”

 “You’re welcome, it’s fine.”

 Scooting back onto the stool, Slippy sighed as Fox waited. “Go sit, you’ve been on your feet for a while already.” Hesitating, Fox complied and faced Slippy again.

 “Slippy?”

Click here to continue

[mudzdale]

re: bayverse movie design discourse again bc its been on my mind again lately and i have Thoughts

i know ive hashed this in the past some with that ask bad/character/design critiquing the bayverse designs, which i limited in the tags to basically ‘but consider this: ur definition of ‘mechs’ to being silly square block men could be so much more’. the claim was made that too much focus was made on making the tfs look alien, but im like gurl......not enough focus like what an exciting development!! i’ve said it before but thats not gonna stop me repeating that i love where the designs at least started in the bayverse movies. they got worse in the later movies, i will agree to that--rotf not so much (excluding standalones like brains, and perhaps wheelie--although i would say the toy-truck altmode worked out beautifully), but by the time the franchise hit dotm, the design potential had pretty much hit the gutter bc there was so much focus on making them human. caricatures of humans/human stereotypes put to robots works wonderfully for the simpler mediums, it was perfect in tfa bc that universe functions well to get a lot of mileage out of that kind of thing. however, things like the wreckers being caricatures of stereotypical racecar fans was probably funny to your average one-time viewer of dotm (if they could parse what was going on and who was who the first time around--i know i sure couldn’t), but overall made for unmemorable characters and even more unmemorable designs that overall took away from the foreign, alien nature of the cybertronians and therefore, at least to me, detracted from the appeal of them as a whole.

later movies seem to be more and more focused with giving the cybertronians a very human muscular build, like...well. like they were really big humans with big metal muscles. lots of the appeal, for me, in the first movie with everyones og designs lay in their near-but-not-fully human features

compare this 

to this 

......why?

not that some variation in design is bad, or uncalled-for, but like......they had such a neat aesthetic going in the foreignity of their designs, but the more “standard” their bodies become, so to speak, the less alien but somehow more estranged they get. everybody wants to get buddy with bumblebee’s alien weirdness 

(intentional infant-like qualities aside) but not with 

im going to take this opportunity to say that coherent paragraphing and thought organization do not exist here. anyways how many more times can i repeat the exact same gripe about designs

i will also take this opportunity to explain part of my bias toward these designs, bc....well, i was gonna say that im not just some rando who stumbled across the movies and said, “yes this is gr8 character design,” but tbh thats what happened lol. i had 0 interest in transformers until that Fateful Day they were playing the first movie while i was at the dentist, and it was at the scene where sam is rescuing bumblebee from the sector 7 secret base or w/e and i was like what......this looks like a rly neat franchise bc i loved the unusualness of the human/alien interaction. i am also biased toward the film series in general, because yes it is such trash garbage and i mean it literally when i say i can barely stand to watch the films themselves, but i have read so many good fanfics and fan works that take what the franchise could have been, based on previous canons and their own and then what the movies bring to the table, and make wonderful stuff out of it that is very fun to experience so most of the time when im looking at the bayverse films, i’m seeing that potential and imagining that it’s there and wishing it could be despite the fact its all just bay garbage. anyways uh. where was i going with this

umm i think the other thing i wanted to address that ive probably just said already is how people gripe about how alien the transformers look and that it is Bad and they should just be block men like p much all the other iterations and im like cmon man....live a little.... OH i think my main thought here was the oft-noted and completely valid observation that all of their designs are too busy, are not easily identifiable, and more wind up being gray smears and get mixed up easily in action scenes, or even arguably slow scenes. this all is, as i said, totally valid and i agree with it--i had to watch the first movie 2-3 times to be able to fully parse what all happened by the end of it. in the context of consumable media and character design, they all suck and should be worked down to something more manageable. in the context of aliens that wouldnt follow laws of human aesthetic, however... they’re perfect. (take a shot (of water. stay hydrated, fools) every time golly says but guuuuys.... they’re aliiieeens.....). and it is perhaps therein that the movie tf franchise provides so much potential for fanworks and other fictions that build off of the visual cues and small canons presented by the films, while having the freedom to deviate from the fact theyre only used for explosions and dirty “mating” jokes that have......0 place there bye lol...... ANYWAYS tl;dr even if they are really poorly-designed characters i still like the execution and think it works for the alien race aspect really well

i think i also mentioned this earlier but i appreciate the sense of alien-meets-man that is exaggerated, if not conceived, by the inhuman nature of the designs. not to say human-cybertronian interactions in other continuities are less magical, just that this one has a different tone provided by the aesthetic of the universe (explosions aside). and again (take a shot every time golly notes shes reiterating something) people have taken this element and taken elements from previous tf continuities and applied it here, and made it into, in my eyes, a franchise with a whole lotta potential--essentially, it has a life outside the films that i like more because its what the films could have been. if u will.

i dont think there’s much more that i can say here that isn’t repeating myself even more, so i would like to end this by raising a toast to the coulda-shoulda-wouldas of the tyran transformers universe and the ultimate suckiness its coalesced into

thank u and good night

[chaoticpanenergy]

ksdfghjkl @agnesandcecilia​ tagged me so here goes!!

Rules: answer 17 questions and tag 17 people you want to get to know better

Nickname: on tumblr i go by peregrin! after peregrin took from lord of the rings, my favorite character from my first serious fandom. <3

Zodiac Sign: virgo! i know nothing about the zodiac! what does virgo mean! one time i did the birth chart thing and like the first 4 or 5 things were all virgo and i showed one of my friends who’s actually a zodiac person and they just stared at me in horror and said “are you OKAY???” which, absolutely not but i doubt the zodiac has much to do with it, why do you ask, botany my pal. [for the record, please don’t get worried anyone, i am fine. mostly. enough. would be more fine if my parents would let me go to therapy but we’ll work on that one i guess.] 

Height: 5′5″ (i was 5′4″ for the longest time and for some reason was super salty i never hit 5′5″ and then i went to college and somehow grew an inch my first year??? idk how that worked but regardless i hit 5′5″ and it matches and i’m happy now!!)

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw. people are never surprised to learn this. i think this means i am doing ravenclaw right. 

Last thing I googled: “how many people zoom” - i was arguing with a classmate over the max amount of people our college’s plan can fit on a zoom call + i didn’t want to bother with enough words to make sense when i knew those words would get me the result i wanted. (for the record, i was right.)

Song stuck in my head: rn it’s gotta be “go the distance” from hercules. probably bc it’s one of the only ones on the roman sanders playlist thomas just released that i already knew. i am but a simple nonbinary that only listens to like 3 kinds of music and disney is one of them. 

Following and followers: following 208, 58 followers! huh they both end in 8 rn that’s random and cool. 

Amount I sleep: hhhhhhhng probably not enough lol. the last couple of weeks i was staying up until about 2-3am and then sleeping in until between 10 and noon, but now school is running again i’m heading to bed between midnight and 1am and getting up at 8:30. so. i don’t know how to do math i’m a humanities gay but,, however much that is? minus the like hour it typically takes me to fall asleep once i go to bed.

Lucky number: 29! it’s a prime number and also pippin from lotr turns 29 during the course of the book & he’s my fave character. plus i just think it’s a neat number. 

Dream job: hmmm this is tricky. okay, dream life situation is to be a parent of some kiddos, be able to write my stories & hopefully publish them, and hopefully do graphic design work too—designing book covers is the ideal. so a job that involves/allows for those elements. idk lol. 

Wearing: a red t-shirt with the logo of a writing club at my college that i’m an officer for, a red leather jacket i bought from the thrift website thredup last week, and black high-waisted jeans from american eagle (the only brand i have so far found that consistently fits me well). also socks and a green barrette (i have a side part in my hair on the left and it makes my hair fall in my face unless i clip it back) and gray fingerless gloves bc i get cold + overstimulated easily & the gloves help w/both of those things. i own like 5 pairs of these exact gloves it’s great. a watch on my left wrist with a mother-of-pearl type watch face & a narrow pink leather strap, which my parents gave me for christmas. my pocket is full of fidget toys. 

aaaand bc i’ve been working on and off on this it’s now a whole different day! i’m now wearing a gray heathered tee with a big old heart on it in the nonbinary flag, a light pink & dark blue flannel from costco, and the same black jeans with a pocketful of fidget toys. also the same gloves & watch. my barrette is purple today! & i’m wearing dark gray slippers to keep my toes warm. 

also i wear glasses every day, purple frames in a shape kiiinda similar to canon logan & patton’s from sanders sides. 

Favorite song: ksdfghjkl this is harddddd uhhh “the wizard and i” from wicked never fails to make me have happy feels and a lil bit of like, good angsty feels, ya know? also “show yourself” from frozen 2 is a gem and queer anthem bc i’m queer & i said so.

Random Fact: i’ve been a vegetarian my entire life! meat as a concept seems very gross to me personally lol. i don’t really care about others eating it, though. not my body, not my choice (which is a great phrase in many contexts) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

Favorite Authors: I’ve been a fan of Tolkien’s work since I was 5 years old. patricia c wrede is really great. the only works by leigh bardugio i’ve read are the six of crows duology but those were PHENOMENAL and contained the first straight ship a YA book has managed to make me ship in quite a long time (i would die on the spot for inej ghafa), so definitely would count her as a fave. i’m a pretty big harry potter fan but,,, ah,,,,, not so keen, let’s say, on jk rowling herself. tamora pierce is fantastic for whenever i’m in the mood for some classic Good Old FantasyTM. also a bunch of fanfic writers!! especially @/tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors [i am too shy to tag]​!!!! laoft is INCREDIBLE and i’m a huge fan and i get SO EXCITED every time a new extra comes out. so much talent!!!!!

Favorite Animal Noises: ooh. hm. my parents are not pet people so i haven’t always been exposed to a lot of animals and can be shyer than i’d like to be of critters. kitties are very good. the lil “mrow” noise specifically. also birds can be fun. 

Aesthetic: pastel blue, pink, purple, with silver accents and teal, aqua, and dark purple as secondary colors. space & dainty things, w/a little bit of soft nerdiness thrown in. essentially if ravenpuff didn’t have a specific color scheme associated with it. (fun fact, i wear so many bright clothes that one day i wore all black just for funsies and a friend of mine saw me and literally assumed a family member of mine must have died and i was in mourning. bc she was so surprised to see me not in brightly colored clothes. i could not make this shit up if i tried. if ur reading this, love u moon mom.)

aaaaaand i currently have too much anxiety to tag people & i’m gonna say that’s okay for now <3 but totally message me if u wanna be friends!! i will reply when i have appropriate levels of social energy <3

[shelookedlikeaart-blog]

Alien Outfitters Clothing

Perusing a book while lying on the lounge chair is a genuine annoyance (truly!), so get up out of your comfortable, alien outfitters nestled into and snatch a couple of these super careful, not-geeky at-all calculated glasses so you can wrap up all that design fanfic from any flat position of your picking. Shop larger size tanks for summer like our new Chevron Hidden Button Tank accessible online at • Polyester. In case you're into Urban's hyper-designed, coy pieces, Spool No. 72 has a little however strong gathering of beautifully designed garments at madly reasonable costs. On the off chance that you cherish Urban's grungy yet stylish tasteful, ThreadSence has an enormous determination of truly mixed, restless garments and shoes. Each figure strikes a chivalrous posture, and the five center watchmen are appeared with their weapons of decision. Summer dresses, denim shorts, adorable tees and swimwear and swim sets ensure she's prepared for whatever her day has in store. Shop long length shorts for the mid year like our new hefty size Butter Denim Bermuda Short (White) accessible in sizes 14-32 online at • White. Layering is the ideal procedure for amplifying your mid year faves into fall, however keep it easy to abstain from appearing as though you're being eaten alive by your own outfit. Ladies of any age appreciate the solace and adaptability of sundresses amid the mid year months.

An enormous disjoined outsider head drifts in space, and we hear that different outsiders mine natural matter from the head. Find new larger size weave tops like this Star Graphic French Terry Top accessible online at • Rayon/polyester/spandex. We likewise have great styles of spring and summer garments for young ladies like tank tops, young ladies dresses, skirts, and shorts for young ladies that are warm climate basics for each closet. The Eco Friendly Guardians of the Galaxy Tote Bag makes an extraordinary choice for taking to the supermarket, to the shoreline, or anyplace else. With the winter season well under way, stores are hoping to get out their stock to oblige spring accumulations. Be goal prepared by pressing our must-have attire for summer get-away troupes from bathing suits to blustery material isolates. Children's retailers are putting the Guardians of the Galaxy T-shirts in the kid's segments , and they're expelling Gamora from the lineup. Enlivened by the Guardians of the Galaxy stimulation, Growing Groot is a fun expansion to any children Guardians of the Galaxy gathering! Simply watch the cool articulation of the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 Gamora Rock Candy Vinyl Figure.

With above gasp and coat, select this shirt to finish your manager child garments accumulation. An alien outsider may likewise acquire a guide or transporter permit by meeting the capabilities under Alaska Statute 08.54 and 12 AAC 75. In light of the Dave Bautista depiction, The Guardians of the Galaxy 2 Drax POP Figure delineates the previously mentioned saint. In jail, Quill, Gamora, Rocket and Groot are become a close acquaintence with by a muscle-bound blue outsider called Drax (Dave Bautista). By partitioning garments into hues, it will be of no inconvenience to locate that dark colored sweater. Else you hazard the strands recoloring your garments yellow from the caught soggy air clinched. Channel Kim K. in a tribal summer dress with a crossbody sack for a day of shopping.

Not exclusively does this keep your noticing and looking new (earth left on garments can leave changeless stains after some time). Make certain to clean and watch over the rest of the garments as indicated by the care name guidelines. Here are some more Guardians of The Galaxy ensembles going from $5.50 to $10.11. Qualified for FREE Super Saver or Prime Shipping unless generally determined. Reward: The striped texture is woven by ladies in Guatemala, helping them to bring home the bacon (through an association with philanthropy association Nest ). The best thing about your go-to summer dress, is that it can be gathering prepared in a moment! Making the regular swap in our wardrobes can frequently be a bad dream, particularly if we have a considerable measure of garments. At that point select a Urban Outfitters promo code from the rundown beneath to spare money so you can even get the unicorn cover you've generally needed. When I began offering my garments on the web, it was entirely to make some brisk money.

When you book with Batnuni Lake Guides and Outfitters, you will be sent a data bundle which gives the vital documentation to your non-occupant gun announcement shape, which you should have affirmed by a Canadian traditions officer upon your first purpose of section into the nation. Find more summer top choices like this Americana Plaid Burnout Swing Tank accessible in size 14-32 online at • Plus size tank. Gatekeepers of the Galaxy opens with the passing of the youthful Peter Quill's mom, trailed by his snatching in an outsider shuttle. We need to prepare for jumpers and coats while finding a place to store our mid year attire. Plume finds the Orb and escapes after a shootout with outsiders who likewise need it. At the point when Quill tries to offer the Orb on a far off planet, he winds up being captured alongside a female humanoid outsider called Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a talking raccoon named Rocket (voice of Bradley Cooper) and an animal called Groot (voice of Vin Diesel).

We dont have any of the other Galaxy characters, yet despite everything it fits in well with whatever is left of his toys because of its uniquness and he adores playing with it; he does distinctive voices for Groot and has a wide range of storylines and play thoughts. An outsider discusses slaughtering a young lady's folks before her, tormenting her and afterward transforming her into a weapon. A Designated Guide may control not more than two Non-occupant (Canadian) and Non-inhabitant outsider big game seekers at once in any piece of Alberta, gave that each Non-occupant (Canadian) or Non-occupant Alien has gotten the chase through an Outfitter-direct. To begin with showing up in Tales to Astonish in 1960, Groot has been portrayed in comic books and MCU movies as a Guardian of the Galaxy.

Measure 14. Overlay up sleeves which can be fastened into place - can be worn since quite a while ago sleeved or 3/4 sleeved. Different things to consider expelling from your closet would be anything that doesn't fit appropriately, garments you've dropped out of adoration with, unworn things, and garments that don't make you feel astounding. Produced using an assortment of textures, they match well with heels and wedges, giving ladies the choice of wearing them to the workplace or supper. A simple approach to finish an occasional exchange to another wardrobe is to utilize a moving garments rack that be moved from space to room. From men's late spring designs to ladies' late spring garments, it's about cheerful style and a laid-back disposition.

It is proposed that you contact a few guide suppliers in your preferred region to acquire full particulars in regards to the types of diversion accessible, the prescribed period to chase, rates, administrations gave, and reservations. Unrecorded music by Desert Sheiks and People with Bodies, a fluid light show by Mad Alchemy, DJ move party highlighting DJ Peach Sprite and Yung Milkcrate. Harvest time is here and winter is quick drawing nearer, which means we're uncovering those stout sews and scarves, and waving farewell to our vacation dresses and shorts. In case you're searching for cool garments for young ladies to wear in the winter and fall we have incredible pants and tops that are on pattern. Equivalent amounts of activity and silliness, the Guardians of the Galaxy film offers a fun encounter for the entire family. Holders: If you plan to hang garments for capacity, select durable holders that won't rust or stain textures. The mid year months are an awesome time to explore different avenues regarding splendid hues, similar to coral and greenish blue.

Discover the lastes larger size off-the-bear tops for spring in sizes 14-32 like the Heathered Crochet Trim Off the Shoulder Top accessible online at • Polyester/cotton/rayon. Despite the fact that the mercury achieves record highs amid the late spring months, temperatures regularly plunge around evening time, particularly in the mountains and along the shoreline. Lightweight styles that keep running from favor to essential make up our accumulation of child summer garments. For more fragile things, similar to silk summer dresses, sarongs or anything exceptional, evacuate all defensive plastic and pop them into cotton suitcases. 

Find lovely new alien outfitters larger size tanks for spring in sizes 14-32 like the Embroidered Flounce Tank accessible online at • Rayon/spandex. In any case, if it's not a bathing suit crisis, you may locate a super arrangement on an awesome suit later in summer.

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