#I mean it's almost impressive to spend over 2 years holding a grudge???

[gintamajustaway]

WAIT im sorry im bringing this up but... those 3 ppl [or were there more?] were talking smack abt u in a PUBLIC gintama discord???? that u could see?? and u know who they all are?? i mean i dont want to b rude to them but isnt that kinda stupid??

Bold of you to assume that people who make callout posts and think it’s appropriate to attack people over fanfiction operate on any level of maturity, intelligence, or intellectualism LOL

It was more than 3, but yeah, it was all public. You’d think deleting your own fanfiction wouldn’t be that big of a deal (especially when you have your own personal and valid reasons for doing so), but apparently, it makes you a selfish abhorrent monster and people are supposed to attack you over it?

It’d be different if I’d attacked any of them in any form, but nope, all I’d ever done was delete my own fanfiction over two and a half years ago and according to them, “You can tell a lot about a person who deletes their fanfiction like that,” and that’s all the reason they need to gang up on someone.

I wish I could say this was the dumbest thing I’ve seen fandom do, but it’s not. And at the end of the day I genuinely just do not care about it all so... not sure what they were trying to accomplish by acting so childish, but whatever it was, I think all they did was make themselves look bad  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[mandoalorian]

What the Pedro boys are like at college

This is my first time doing one of these so please be nice! Yep, TUWOMT isn’t out yet but I have read the script and I have written for Javi Gutierrez here. If you don’t want spoilers, maybe don’t read his scenario. I’ve made it so Javi’s is the last one so you can skip over it easily. I write for all the main Pedro characters! These include:

·         Din Djarin – The Mandalorian

·         Javier Pena – Narcos

·         Frankie Morales – Triple Frontier

·         Maxwell Lord – Wonder Woman 1984

·         Jack Daniels: Kingsman: The Golden Circle

·         Oberyn Martell: Game of Thrones

·         Dave York: The Equalizer 2

·         Pero Tovar – The Great Wall

·         Ezra Prospect – Prospect

·         Marcus Pike – The Mentalist

·         Max Phillips – Bloodsucking Bastards

·         Dio – NYPD Blue

·         Javi Gutierrez – The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

·         I DO NOT WRITE FOR PEDRO PASCAL.

Please please request a ‘Pedro boy’ scenario HERE. You can also request for me to write a one shot HERE.

Masterlist

Enjoy!

 ***

Din Djarin: Does college exist in Star Wars? I’m not sure… but if we take a moment to imagine Din being schooled by the Mandalorian Creed. He learns the history of Mandalore, about the great leaders such as Satine Kryze. He learns the importance of ‘the way’ and studies the art of weaponary, learning how to use guns, detonators, vambrace, and whistling birds. He learns about the legacy of the darksaber and, as we already know, he trains with the Rising Phoenix. I imagine Din likes to keep himself to himself and has been a loner his whole life. He places his trust in his fellow Mandalorian’s but they are not his friends. They are simply just his allies. Being schooled in the Mandalorian Creed would be physically exhausting but it’s something Din can manage. After all, he doesn’t have a choice. This is the way.

Javier Pena: We know Javi always wanted to leave Texas, and I think college was the perfect time for him to venture out. He didn’t choose a school with a pristine academic reputation, but instead, he picked a school that had the best renowned night life so he could go out and enjoy drinking and partying. Javi wasn’t a complete wild card. He was the kid who seemed to be good at almost everything. He was able to graduate top of his class with honours in Criminal Law.

Frankie Morales: When Frankie was younger, he loved helping his dad work on the family car and he even scored a part-time job at a garage when he finished high school. At high school, he never really found interest in the core subjects like English, math, science, history… and so when it was time for college, he wanted to develop on his hobby. Frankie chose to major in engineering, with a minor in transportation and logistics. This was perfect for him. In his second year, he went from looking at cars and motorcycles, to different forms of aircraft. He remembers one morning, he sat in the pilot seat of a helicopter after the fuel compressor had went bust and he had never felt more at home. On a whim, he dropped out of college and was lucky enough to get a place in piloting school. Frankie stuck by Santiago throughout college, but while Santi went out and partied, Frankie would slump down in his chair, drink a few beers, and be ready to head back to his dorm at 9pm. He had a few flings in college but had no interest in pursuing an actual relationship. It was important to him that he used his time in college to discover what he really wanted to do with his life.

Maxwell Lord: He probably went to Cornell, or Harvard. Maxwell could’ve gotten in from his family name alone, and if he wasn’t the most academically bright, no doubt his mother would’ve paid him into college, but Maxwell had always been smart. He was home schooled his whole life and so college was a big change for him. He worked hard. He showed up to every class early, and handed in homework and dissertations early, and used his charm to schmooze with the teachers, doing all he could to make sure he got the best grades. Maxwell majored in Business and Economics, and minored in Marketing. He didn’t have much choice in what he studied in college because he had his life set out for him the moment he was born. Maxwell didn’t have friends, but that’s not to say he was a loner. Everyone on campus knew who Maxwell was, and everyone knew the kind of family he came from.

Jack Daniels: Despite Jack and his high school sweetheart going their separate ways for college, they couldn’t stay away from each other for long. He was a Political Science major but never really cared much for it. He had a lot of friends, was a care free spirit and attended parties. He is someone who has natural academic ability but his failure to attend class and do homework meant that he, inevitably, began to drag behind. Realising political science isn’t for him, he dropped out of college and moved in with his high school sweetheart. He much preferred it that way, and he was able to be with her all the time. Having his company meant that she was now distracted from her studies and when she fell pregnant with their first child, they decided to run away from college all together and start a family far away.

Oberyn Martell: Is there college in Game of Thrones? I’m not sure, but a modern! Oberyn would major in classical studies and minor in philosophy. He is a prince, after all. He excels in both subjects and picks up languages such as Latin and Greek easily. It comes natural to him. He passes with flying colours and never has to try too hard because the words of Aristotle and Plato were engrained into his brain ever since he was old enough to read a book. As prince, he knows it is important to graduate with honours and that it’s his priority but that doesn’t mean he can’t make time for fun. He doesn’t commit to any relationship during college but does embrace his sexuality. He’s kind, gentle, and respectful. He’s a really great lover, but an even better friend.

Dave York: Dave studied criminology and forensic science at college. He was able to learn the ins and outs of criminal psychology and the process that cops and forensic teams go through when trying to trace a murder. His knowledge in this subject sure helped him in later life. He passed with flying colours, but never wanted a career in crime – or at least, not a career you’d need a degree in. But his newly received qualification, Dave decided to join the CIA as an operative where he met Robert McCall. He played good guy for a long time, but his bad intentions linked to criminal activity traced all the way back to college. He met his wife in college, and truthfully, she was the only thing who kept him from spiralling into criminal activity at an earlier stage.

Pero Tovar: Again, I am almost certain college didn’t exist during this time period but if we make it a modern AU, I think Pero would have majored in geography and minored in cultural studies. He had a goal to travel the world and see all the magnificent places. Pero was a grumpy adolescent, and seemingly he never really grew out of it. He had a group of people he hung out with who were similar to him but he never really considered them friends. He didn’t partake in extracurricular activities and he would just focus on studying. But he did have a flare in art which was lost on him during later life. He used painting as an emotional outlet and a means to express his feelings.

Ezra Prospect: I guess this is a modern! Ezra then. He studies geology, and he’s really smart. He does a lot of reading, but he actually prefers non-fiction over fiction. His interest in geology goes past his degree, and he actually collects a variety of rocks and gemstones, going into deep research about them and believing that certain ones possess healing powers. Ezra has a partner throughout his time in college, and they spend a lot of time with each other. Ezra’s partner encourages Ezra’s love for geology and finds his passion endearing, even encouraging him to earn an income from his knowledge! You help Ezra use the rocks that he collects to create bath salts and make jewellery to sell on and earn profit.

Marcus Pike: Marcus was an art and design major, and all his teacher’s loved him. He was never the best at the practical side, but he excelled in art history and his knowledge on the subject was outstanding. Marcus had one long term relationship during college but his partner ended up breaking his heart. It took a long time for Marcus to recover, but he’d always been one for second chances. He’d hope that he’d never get his heart broken again.

Max Phillips: Max was a bit of a player in community college; a jock, who studied his undergraduate in Physical Education. When Evan had Max kicked out for sleeping with his girlfriend, Max went and studied Sales Management at a university just for Vampires. Filled with a feeling of wrath and hatred for Evan, Max made it his mission to ruin him. No more time could be spent partying in his fraternity, playing soccer for the college team and sleeping with the cheer leader’s – Max made it his goal to graduate from Vampire University with a top major and steal the job of leading Sales Manager from Evan. And that’s on holding grudges.

Dio: Yeah, Dio didn’t go to college. He dropped out of high school when he was fourteen. In his youth, his hobbies included making fire and stealing from the rich.

Javi Gutierrez: He’s a film major of course! He was born into a rich family, we know that, and comes from a very financially privileged background. His parents knew that he did not have to pursue a degree in something that would ensure him a job, because Javi would be well off no matter what, and so they were fine with Javi doing something he was truly interested in. Javi has loved literature, art and movies his whole life. He minors in screenplay writing and excels top of his class, constantly impressing those around him with his ability to memorise anything from one liner quotes to whole scenes from movies. He shares his extensive knowledge of trivia, and all his lecturer’s firmly believe that the film industry is something that Javi could one day potentially succeed in. However, Javi is awkward. He shy’s away from all the partying and spends Friday night’s in his dorm, munching on popcorn and watching classic movies. A relationship is never in question for Javi because of his family circumstances, so he just lays low and focuses on his studies. As soon as he graduates, he heads back home to Mexico and his dreams of being a famous Hollywood screenplay writer seem so distant.

[imaginaryfriendcomic]

a long, meta PSA

Hello, my good readers! Firstly, I’m very glad to see we’re almost reaching 1k followers, and I’m still very determined to finish the next page - I’m nearly done with the whole layout!

Though what I want to talk about today is something I’ve been thinking for a while. As many of you may know, Imaginary Friend was technically going to be a comic adaptation of the original fanfiction I posted a long time ago. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to change the entire plot, yet there’s something in there that’s actually been bothering me, now that I think of it: and that’s about Gaster being a dad before the Void. Please read the whole post before commenting or sending asks!

*SPOILERS FOR THE ORIGINAL STORY

TRIGGER WARNINGS - MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT

Even from the first 23 pages, you know that Gaster is drowning in his sorrows and regrets. He keeps saying how he failed at being the Royal Scientist, for not being able to free everyone, and at being a father to Sans and Papyrus. If anyone has gotten to the fanfiction already, it’s claimed that Gaster used to overwork himself and did not spend a lot of time with his sons, and that “he pushed them away.” I’ll be including some chapter pieces here to prove my points:

LIKE I SAID, I WAS THE ROYAL SCIENTIST. I MARRIED A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND HAD TWO CHILDREN. MY WIFE, UNFORTUNATELY, PASSED AWAY... THE ONLY GOOD THINGS I HAD IN MY LIFE THEN WERE SANS AND PAPYRUS. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LIFE, WHICH MADE ME WORK EVEN HARDER AFTER MY WIFE WAS GONE. BUT THEN  I STARTED BEING SO FOCUSED ON WORK THAT I DIDN'T REALLY GIVE THEM MUCH ATTENTION. I BARELY SPENT TIME WITH THEM. WHEN I WAS IN A BAD MOOD, I USUALLY TOLD THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE... I WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.

(chapter 2)

He let his wife die; nothing he had done to cure her from her disease worked. He neglected Sans and Papyrus, barely spent time with them and... treated them like they were just a burden in his life, when they really weren't. He had failed at freeing monsters, he had broken everyone's trust. He had disappointed everyone. He had had one job, and he failed.

(chapter 7)

It’s even implied that Sans looked after Papyrus on his own, too, which is further confirmed in the sequel I made, You’re Home Now (which contains Grillby x Gaster, just warning you guys).

He was very proud of them, despite Sans being lazy... His elder child did a great job taking care of Papyrus when he was younger (...).

(chapter 1)

The little Sans was home (in their very, very old house, the one located in New Home), watching television with young Papyrus. It was already late, the babysitter hadn't been able to come over, leaving Sans the responsibility of taking care of himself and his little brother, which wasn't that bad. Despite being a kid, Sans was actually responsible enough for his father to trust him at this task, though Papyrus could give some hard work sometimes.

(You’re Home Now, chapter 2)

Maybe this hasn’t crossed in anyone’s minds - if they’ve already read the fic - and well, I’m unsure if I’m overthinking this since I didn’t get that much depth to the original story, but this is my work, after all. I wrote this more than 3 years ago, so I’m looking back at it with a more critical perspective. Thus, this aspect about Gaster’s parenting has been bothering me recently.

I’m aware that many children have gone through this; being forced to look after themselves, their siblings or even their own parents (the latter isn’t quite the case here but anyway), as the adults fail to do what they’re supposed to - of taking care of their family and providing them love, attention and everything else. The lack of any of these things has been normalized in many households, and most of the time kids don’t realize how harmful it might be to them, because their own feelings aren’t validated. Since they’re forced to take in the role of the responsible parent, the adult, they excuse and justify their parents’ misdeeds.

Surely, in the original Imaginary Friend, Gaster acknowledges he wasn’t the best dad, yet now that I come to read it again, it never feels like he’s truly called out for that. Alright, he’s already being punished by the loneliness and helplessness for decades inside the Void, and he does show genuine remorse for his actions. Regardless, I feel like I’ve made excuses for his failures at being a parent. I feel like I used the “but he didn’t mean to!” excuse that so many people adopt when we’re talking about abusive and neglectful parents. I used Frisk, a character who I headcanon to have been abused by their biological parents, to justify that Gaster wasn’t all that bad:

"Don't say that! I think they would be glad to see you again." Frisk assured him. "I mean, you deeply cared about them and did everything to offer them proper conditions and-"

YES, BUT... I HAVE NOT GIVEN THEM ENOUGH LOVE AND AFFECTION. He sighed sadly.

Frisk sighed too. They had a feeling that Sans and Papyrus didn't hate him. They just knew it, but Gaster didn't believe.

"But... they never gave up on you, right?" They asked.

(...)

"I would've really liked to have a father who would do everything to give me a good life."

Gaster, curious, looked at the child. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"Toriel is my mom now, and she's the best, but... I've never had a father that cared about me." Frisk admitted. "You know... before I fell into the Underground. My real parents weren't... great. They were very mean to me, specially my father."

(...)

I AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.

"It's okay. At least I found great friends and a fantastic mom." Frisk said, smiling, despite remembering their mean parents. "You are a way better father than my real one. You shouldn't say you're the worst."

Gaster didn't answer.

"You may have not spent much time with them, but I don't think Sans and Papyrus wouldn't be happy to see you." Frisk said.

BUT I MADE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY WERE ANNOYING ME... I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT.

"I understand, but, just so you know... I think you already made it clear to them that you cared about them, which is why they were always there for you even if you distanced yourself."

(chapter 2)

Sans and Papyrus don’t hold grudges against their father, either, and yet, now that I realize it, the former presents the same “pushing away” behavior Gaster presumably adopted. In the very least, Sans is called out for it, but I never explicitly connected that to how his father treated them:

"SANS, DID YOU SLEEP WELL?" Papyrus asked.

"i'm okay, pap."

"BUT YOU LOOK AWFUL-"

"papyrus, i'm okay!" Sans interrupted, sounding annoyed.

Papyrus shrunk out of fear. He had never seen Sans in that state before. He knew something was up with him, but for some reason, he was afraid of asking Sans what was wrong. His brother sounded so grumpy, he felt like he would piss him off if he asked that at the time.

(chapter 6)

"DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT!" Papyrus said, somehow pissed, but concerned at the same time.

"l-leave me alone." Sans managed to escape, but Papyrus wouldn't let him go.

"I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU! PLEASE-"

Sans teleported himself, escaping Papyrus's grip. He groaned loudly.

"SANS, OH MY GOD! STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME!" Papyrus yelled.

Turned out that Sans didn't teleport far away. He arrived in the same street, a few meters ahead.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" Papyrus yelled.

"i don't want to talk, papyrus."

"BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST... TREAT ME LIKE GARBAGE!"

(chapter 9)

That’s NOT to say Gaster is evil. You could say that Gaster believes he was terrible because of his trauma from the Void. The dark dimension causes him to hallucinate things, alter his physical form and twist reality, and so that may be why Sans and Papyrus don’t hold anything against him. But the point is, I don’t feel like I’ve made that clear. And with Sans technically mirroring his past role model, I feel like the narrative swept Gaster’s bad parenting under the carpet.

This topic is very difficult to discuss, I’m very aware of that. I get that some abusers can make it different, they can change. However, that’s not what usually happens. What does happen is society underestimating and devaluating the effects of abuse on people, especially children and teenagers. Nobody tends to focus on the victims, and thus finds ways to justify the abuse. Like that, I feel like I contributed to that, too. That’s why I’m writing this post.

PLEASE NOTE: I’m very proud of having written Imaginary Friend, and I want to continue with the comic. However, I want to truly emphasize that there will be changes in the comic adaptation, and with this theme in mind, I’ll make sure I don’t unintentionally excuse bad parenting again. At the time I wrote the fic, I had no idea it might come off that way (which doesn’t mean I’m condemning myself for not noticing). I think a lot of other people haven’t had the same impression, either; yet now that I do, I want to change what this fic might have defended.

I’m very sorry for everyone who went through this situation in their childhoods, or might still be. It’s not your fault. Your parent(s)/guardian(s) should have been better, and that’ll never be on you. Maybe they “didn’t mean to”, but that doesn’t mean it’s not harmful. I wish you all the happiness and safety in the world. <3

Stay determined!

[chvrrybaby]

*itzy  vc*  hey  hey  hey   !   (  i  see  that  i’m  icy  )   what’s  up,  i’m  diana,  i’m  nineteen,  and  i’m  ur  resident  girl  group  stan.  i  reside  in  the  est  timezone  &  go  by  the  pronouns  she/her.  now,  finally  introducing  ...  loona    !!   jk,  her  name  is  blair  &  u  can  learn  abt  her  under  the  cut   !   my  discord  is  lana del rey is coming <3#5522   (  stream  her  new  album  august  30th  ),  so  feel  free  to  message  me  there  or  through  tumblr  im’s  if  u  prefer  that   !   otherwise,  i’ll  come  to  u <3

—  kim doyeon. she/her. cis female. | was that blair ryu i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the nineteen year old spends most of their time working as a sugar baby/studying classic literature and women’s studies, but i’ve always just seen them writing in her dream journal. they live in 5A and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of loosely curled hair, cherry lip gloss, the lingering scent of vanilla in the air.

(    𝑩𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑮𝑹𝑶���𝑵𝑫.   )

born on october 5th, 1999  ( this is literally a day before my bday ooc but anyway ajkdhsjdh )  in rochester, new york, blair’s first impression of the world was a crisp autumn day

she was her parents first and only child. her mother was an elementary school teacher, while her father worked at a nearby power plant in ontario

the family never made too much money, but they were able to get by, at least at first

she had a fairly happy childhood, though it was a lonely one. her father was always working odd hours, and with her mother gone during the day, she spent most of her time with a babysitter and the family golden retriever

eventually, she herself started going to school. she immediately excelled in the english department and fell in love with reading. blair realized early on how much she enjoyed escaping reality with a novel, immersing herself in a story so exciting compared to her dull life

almost everything was fine until her high school years. aside from the fact that she never had a present father figure, she was closer to her mom and still loved by both of her parents. however, when her high school years came around, her father lost his job

her father was the families main provider, and her mothers salary alone would not be enough to take care of the entire family. while he searched for another job, they had to give away the family golden retriever to one of blair’s aunts because they couldn’t afford the extra cost :(

on top of losing her beloved pet, the loss of her father’s job prompting the family to pick up and move their entire life

already in the midst of high school, blair had to leave her life as she knew it behind. the family moved to statesboro, georgia, and her father found a job at the nearby power plant

the transition to life in georgia was not easy for blair. though she didn’t exactly have trouble making friends, she didn’t feel like she could truly connect with anyone

once again, blair turned to losing herself in a book to pass the time

shortly after the move to georgia, her parents experienced some difficulties within their marriage. they ended up separating, and blair spent the remainder of her high school years living with each of them for half of the time

she did not mind her parents separating, as she knew it was for the best. however, her father found a girlfriend fairly quickly, and blair would eventually find out her father had been having an affair

her father spent most of his free time with his new girlfriend and her family. blair was upset at how he prioritized his the new people in his life over her when he was barely ever around for her growing up

meanwhile, her mother was having trouble adjusting to being alone, so she moved back to new york to live with her sister

blair stayed behind in georgia to finish high school, but knew she wanted to go elsewhere for college. she wanted to get as far away from her father and his new life as possible

once blair turned eighteen, she began to sell pictures for money. she wanted to earn as much as possible so she could afford to go away for university. she created an alias and began to sell pictures and videos of her feet. eventually, she expanded her horizons once she realized how much money she could earn

she never went as far as sleeping with her clients, but she would go on dates with them and spend the days with them to earn more money ( kind of like ludovica/chiara in the italian show baby on netflix minus sleeping w them )

she dated a few people throughout her high school years, and began to more “seriously” date a guy during her senior year in high school, though she knew the relationship wouldn’t last. despite appearing as a more serious relationship, to her, it wasn’t really anything of the sort, and she mostly wanted a relationship for senior prom and other trivialities

after senior year ended and she had accepted admission into uni in seattle, she basically cut ties with everyone in georgia aksdjskdjh she said good bye forever ! rip poor unnamed boyfriend he didn’t see it coming ...

her father also did not see it coming because she didn’t even tell him where she applied. but at the same time, did he ask ? no :/

once she left for uni, her relationship with her father became very very estranged. she still speaks to her mom on a pretty regular basis, but even then, she has a whole secret life and doesn’t feel particular close to either of them sjkdfhskdjh

and that’s that for background !

(   𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑻𝒀.   )

blair is a libra sun leo moon ( rising sign & other placements tbd )

she is definitely a friendly/sociable person. she can be pretty outgoing and loves to be around people. idk her mbti yet but she is def an extrovert ! ( she does tend to keep her feelings to herself tho )

despite her friendly demeanor, she does have a fiery spirit. if u wrong her she will hold a grudge against u until it gets settled/sorted. she can be more on the mean side when she’s upset, but even then she does not have a bad heart at all

when it comes to relationships, blair is all over the place. she can be very flirty/charismatic and is constantly hopping from one relationship to the next. she hasn’t quite been able to settle down, but it is possible. she kind of thinks being in a real relationship means losing her freedom, because that’s kind of what she saw happen with her parents, so she doesn’t really want to be tied down to someone in fear of losing herself in a way. does this make sense ? maybe ? ok !

blair has a fairly strong sense of self, but she’s still very young so she’s still growing and changing. she is the type of person to know what she wants and go after it ( yes, even with ppl ! ). she will stop at nothinggg to get what she wants ( oop ). u could say she loves the chase, but kind of gets bored afterwards unless u have more to offer !

omg she literally loves 2 be the center of attention. i mean, who doesn’t love attention ? but blair takes it 2 another level. she gets all :( if she’s being ignored or isn’t receiving enough attention

kind of bouncing off the whole attention thing, blair loves a good party ! she’s young and here for a good time. she def loves to drink at parties and stuff even tho she isn’t legal here in the us, why should that stop her am i right ? when it comes to drugs, she’s a veryyy casual user and doesn’t do anything crazy. a social weed smoker n will do pills here and there

being a libra sun with a leo moon, i think it’s safe to say she can be a bit dramatic at times ( i mean, as a libra sun with a leo venus i am not one 2 judge xx ). she reads 2 much and watches 2 many movies like ajkdhsjkhd life rly isn’t that serious but she can b a lil overdramatic sometimes whew ! we told u this was melodrama ... lorde stans make some noise !

blair’s fav books are anything by jane austen and les liaisons dangereuses by pierre choderlos de laclos, aka the book cruel intentions was based on ( which happens 2 be one of her fav movies )

shows she loves: gossip girl ( she shares a name w blair so she probably used 2 call herself queen b in high school or something ), desperate housewives ( no wonder this binch is so dramatic ), big little lies, pretty little liars ( the early seasons only ), the netflix show baby, and buffy the vampire slayer

movies she loves: clueless, almost famous, thoroughbreds, moulin rouge, palo alto, marie antoinette, coyote ugly, american beauty, cruel intentions, and valley of the dolls ( to name a few )

her fav colors are pink, red, and white !

u can find her pinterest board here.

she is bisexual babey !!

(   𝑾𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺.   )

party buddies - this is pretty basic and self explanatory, but someone blair can go out and have fun with. their friendship might be more surface level, or started that way at least, but it’s possible they’re closer friends ( maybe she opened up under the influence and it brought them closer aksdhsdjh drunk blair def would )

ex-fling/gf/bf - blair relationship hops, so she could have quite a few of these. we can plot it however, there can b feelings there, they can hate each other, of they can be just friends now, u name it !

unrequited crush -  ur character could have feelings for blair, but maybe she doesn’t feel them back or is unaware that they like her. this could develop into her eventually having feelings for ur muse or not, whatever we want ! OR blair could def have a crush on someone who does not like her back. maybe that person is super non-committal, or they simply do not like her back. we could plot this out however <3

current fling/friends w benefits - someone she is currently seeing/sleeping with. could be no strings attached, or there could b some feelings there. maybe they don’t want to make it anything serious, or maybe they’re ready to take it to the next level. maybe one person is ready to go further, and the other isn’t.

enemies w benefits - imagine the tension!!! they started out hating each other, but ended up hooking up. maybe it was a one time thing, or maybe they can’t stop going back to each other. i think it would b cool if they kept it a secret, they don’t want anyone else to know. this could develop in soooo many ways !

ex-friends - someone she used to consider a close friend, but they had a falling out for whatever reason n maybe they hate each other now. maybe they want to re-kindle their friendship but don’t know how

sibling-like friendship - someone she sees like a sibling. they’re there for each other and look out for one another, always have each other’s backs. being an only child and not really close to her parents, blair would love a friend that she could basically call family !

dynamic duo - basically like her current best friend. this person is prob one of the closest people to her and knows her very well ! they could b a power duo, always looking out for each other 

take care - someone who kind of looks after her ?? maybe when she parties a lil too hard and drinks a lil too much, someone who kind of takes care of her n makes sure shes ok ! they would be someone she trusts a lottttt

confidant - someone who confides in her or someone she confides in, or they confide in each other. they don’t necessarily have to be the closest friends ever, but they get along, trust each other, and maybe they talk more in private

rivals - they hate each other for whatever reason. maybe it’s jealousy or their personalities just clash, but for whatever reason they do not get along. i love a good enemies plot. they can just b nasty to each other !!! maybe they bring out a really bad side to blair that most ppl dont see. someone who makes her act like blair waldorf ( i’m def kidding abt the blair waldorf part )

bad influence - blair isn’t a goody-two-shoes by any means, but doesn’t really do anything crazy, so i’d luvv for someone to kind of influence her to do shit she normally wouldn’t on her own

these are all the plot ideas i can think of for now, but i’ll prob make a plots page later on and add more stuff !

so this is everything !! this has taken me longer than it should have but i’m finally done whew,,, cheers 2 me <3 anyway i would absolutely luv to plot, so feel free to hit me up on discord or tumblr im’s, or i can also come to u ! i’m so excited to get started <333 i’m gonna b logging off now most likely, since it’s 3 am my time, but i’ll be back in the morning

[gascon-en-exil]

I Liked Fates Before It Was Cool!: Revelation Part 3

Prologue

Opening Chapters

Revelation Part 1

Revelation Part 2

Chapters 20-Endgame, in which the Fire Emblem is a chainsaw.

Chapter 20 + 21

I bet this scene looks wonderfully silly if Takumi is promoted to kinshi knight.

I’m going to be combining many of the chapters in this post, because even though they take a while to play through there’s not much to them in terms of story. Of course Anthony is evil and Corrin has to kill him, although not before Anankos turns him into a Faceless (or was he one all along?). I think I would have preferred the humor of fighting him as a village with ludicrous stats over the sympathy grab they go for with him. It’s also worth pointing out that it’s the three older Nohrians who call out Corrin for trusting Anthony first, putting some of that healthy distrust they show off in Conquest to work again. I don’t like that we’re apparently meant to find Corrin’s endlessly trusting nature endearing because it’s what brought this group together and not, you know, self-insert narrative privilege, but whatever. None of FE14′s routes could go forward at certain points if Corrin didn’t occasionally grab the idiot ball, and at least this time they had the foresight to come up with a backup plan.

And I am actually glad that they did so with Anthony, because while Chapter 20 is more standard Valla fare the trap they fall into in 21 comes with a clever premise that’s fun to play around. I dislike how the chapters continue to be loaded down with entirely too many drops and chests as I mentioned last time, but I find that as long as you plot out routes for your units before you start the size of these maps isn’t a problem. 

One final question, since I didn’t bring it up in Birthright: why is the S rank naginata, which is obtained in Chapter 20 in Revelation, called a Waterwheel? Just...why? I have never found an explanation for this.

Chapter 22 + 23

Well of course she has, just look at those growths.

I find Arete intriguing as a character, though not so much either version that appears on screen - the brainwashed servant of Anankos or the sentimental dying mother - but rather the idea of her as she existed against the backdrop of the volatile Nohrian court. That element of her has to pieced together from inferences and bits of information in supports, but it’s clearly there. I fully understand why Revelation includes characters like Arete and Anthony. They have to convey over only a few chapters the nature of Anankos’s rule over Valla and its dominated subjects as well as make for credible threats to Corrin as they trek through the kingdom. This is the main reason why Arete’s real characterization is, much like Garon’s, extremely minimal, because the pain it inflicts on Azura is meant to demonstrate how Anankos operates. It’s a natural lead-in to the antagonists inside Gyges, certainly.

Kind of a shame though that the most lasting impression Arete leaves on the player is that of a boss who just will not give up, seeing as you have to fight her three times. I can’t think of another antagonist in the series who’s fought so often over such a short span of chapters. What’s worse, neither of these maps is very engaging; the first borrows the forest-burning Dragon Veins from Midori’s paralogue without the gimmick of chasing down the boss, while the second demonstrates something everyone already knew, that turn-based platforming is not fun. Scarlet’s return as an enemy leaves no impact unless Corrin or Ryoma fights her, so that’s not working too well either.

Chapter 24 + 25

Chapter 24’s gimmick may not be original, but an optional stealth mission works substantially better here than it does in Path of Radiance’s earlygame since Revelation is already well-established at this point as being one long experiment with gimmicks. I also like how the door mechanic plays into Corrin’s desire to trust Mikoto - and that the last door rewards players willing to go against the desperately trusting personality of their self-insert. Plus, it’s not a complete cheat; one of the first things Mikoto tells Corrin in the chapter is the blue doors are the correct ones, so her contradiction at the ends rings false even on the level of a simple puzzle. For what it’s worth mentioning I never bother with the stealth option here just as I don’t in FE9, because it’s tedious and requires a very specific setup and execution for a reward that’s not really worth it.

I find Mikoto difficult to engage with on an emotional level however, for much the same reason that her death didn’t resonate very strongly with me. It helps this time that all of the Hoshidan royals verbally react to seeing her again, but for Corrin this feels like a less substantial meeting than Azura’s reunion with Arete. Azura and the Hoshidans have memories of these women and the positive influence they played in their lives, whereas Corrin has, what, a few days’ worth of interactions with their mother and some very hazy memories from before their capture? I do like how Mikoto reveals at the end that Corrin is Vallite royalty, not because it adds even more to the super special Avatar status or because it establishes that Corrin and Azura are cousins (surprise sort-of incest, yay!) but because it re-contextualizes their place in the world both connected to and apart from the other royal families. It does absolutely do those two other things and is rather awkward on that basis, of course, but Vallite Corirn is able to comfortably exist in between their two families while still having a place to call their own. A ruined, empty place, but that’s for the epilogue.

At first I was planning on doing Chapter 25 as a separate entry, but then I played through it and realized that it’s just more moving platforms and hard enemies with another family reunion boss that’s nowhere near as emotionally affecting as the previous two. We see nothing of Sumeragi prior to this chapter aside from his brief death scene flashback, and unlike Arete his role as a parental figure overlaps significantly with someone else’s. I don’t get a strong sense of how important this reunion is to anyone except maybe Ryoma, and half of that comes from remembering their one-on-one back in Chapter 5. Come to think of it, the disguised Sumeragi has that quick cameo on the Birthright ship map, right? I suppose that’s technically the only appearance of anything from Valla on that route, although in retrospect it’s even more random for him to have shown up there. So, yeah, harder chapter, but can’t really compare to what came just before as a story moment.

Chapter 26

Betrayed by a Jagen! Who’d have thought we’d ever see the day...unless you consider Orson in FE8 a Jagen, that is.

As big twists in FE go Gunter’s doesn’t quite measure up to some others, like the Belhalla barbecue or Nasir in FE9, but it took me some thinking to properly parse out why this isn’t as effective a climactic reveal despite adequate use of foreshadowing and setting. It actually ties into one of the overall problems I have with Revelation and another time it compares unfavorably to Radiant Dawn (and I’m sorry to keep bringing it up if you hate FE10 or haven’t played it, but the parallels really are apt). One of the biggest genuine criticisms of that game’s plot, particularly near the end, is that the story gets too big for itself and spends all of its final chapters throwing at the player numerous major reveals about the plot and setting, many of them not directly related to each other and only immediately involving some dozen or so of a cast of playable and/or named characters about ten times that size. Like Revelation the pacing is utterly frantic, and moreover it gives the player the impression that in order to understand the Tellius setting as a whole and what themes the developers of that duology were aiming for you have to be intimately familiar with the content of Radiant Dawn’s endgame specifically, which...yeah, you kind of do. How that could have been better handled would be a subject for another post, but suffice it to say that the apparent conclusion that Sephiran did every bad thing (except racism) ever in Tellius as a means of tying everything together rings hollow even in-universe. 

The narrative approach of the Valla chapters is similar, but most of its big moments are clearly aiming to be character-driven, fueled by the relationships between the royals and their loved ones forced into fighting them. As I brought up earlier in this post however not many of those moments land because of another major problem Revelation shares with Radiant Dawn, that there’s been almost no time to develop any of those relationships with the plot moving at such a speed. You’d have to have seen Gunter’s supports - which aren’t even accessible on this route - to be able to appreciate at all his history with Corrin, since from the story text of Revelation and Conquest too for that matter there’s little to suggest anything beyond a straightforward master-servant relationship until the very moment when Corrin is pleading with Gunter to resist Anankos’s possession. Without that context the most relatable emotional moment of this chapter comes from Ryoma’s anger at learning the identity of Scarlet’s murderer, which we’re clearly not meant to dwell on much because that might imply Ryoma is capable of holding a grudge. It doesn’t help either that Gunter’s genuine hatred of Garon gets muddied by the Anankos possession angle, something that didn’t come into play until years after he began grooming Corrin as an instrument of his revenge. At least Takumi didn’t go off the deep end until after being possessed.

As for the chapter...ugh, I’m just so tired of this route. Mikoto’s ward actively discourages you from splitting up your forces to go after the absurd number of chests that line this map, and this late in the game there’s almost no reason not to just rush Gunter. Funny that’s he’s pretty underwhelming for an endgame boss - that’s a Jagen for you.

Chapter 27 + Endgame

A question I’ve never seen anyone else ask before: why is Anankos wearing a Buddha mask anyway? It’s apparently just a wall fixture in the castle that he’s hiding behind, and while I get that they wanted to conceal his true size and cosmic horror features for Endgame in the fashion of JRPG bosses with multiple phases the mask is entirely unexplained. Is it meant to be ironic that a dragon styling himself as a god is wearing the face of the major figure of a religion/philosophy with no deities?

I will say that the mechanics of the final battle match the concept of Revelation perfectly. You’re strongly encouraged to split up your forces into three groups to attack all of Anankos’s weak points quickly, which matches up well with the route’s theme of Corrin (and Azura) + Hoshido + Nohr. It’s also not one of those final bosses that’s easier than what came immediately before, so additional kudos for that. Also, Garon’s death on this route is mercifully swift, ripe for even more trauma for the Nohrian royals that no one’s got any time to dwell on.

Aside from those remarks...bleh. The story may conclude faster thanks to lacking the near-death sequences of Birthright and Conquest, but that pace just pushes forward to the very end with Corrin being crowned ruler of a kingdom with no people...except Hoshido and Nohr both cede territory to Valla so that they can have some citizens, because that’s reasonable and won’t cause any confusion or hard feelings. I even took the trouble to S rank Azura, believing incorrectly that it would in some way be reflected in the ending as the only instance of supports in Fates affecting the main plot. Nope, Azura still rejects the rule of Valla and passes it off to her husband as if nothing were different. Then everyone hugs and it’s a little bit gay and the series main theme plays and oh God I’m just glad this route is over. But hey, a chainsaw Fire Emblem is bizarrely badass if you’re into that kind of thing.

PS: Chapter 10 is still The Worst.

Next time: ending and final thoughts on Revelation

[fusonzai]

Reconciliation through writing 1: Chuck Norris, my dad, me.

I was ten and it was a Saturday night at my Grandma’s house. My dad, my grandma and I were gathered around the TV killing time. We’d been living at my grandma’s for a while now as our new house was being built. Mum had gone to bed and I was waiting for my Dad to remember my bedtime. An ad came on for this average looking cop show, however the lead; a bearded All American looking man, sure knew how to fight. Being a kid and not wanting to go bed, any tv show seemed appealing, round house kicks or not.

My Dad also seemed to know a lot about this actor. We waited for the show to start as my dad told me all about how this was the toughest guy in Hollywood. He’d always beat up the bad guy and save the day, your 80’s ‘women wanted him, men wanted to be him’ archetype. This man would many years later spawn one of the earlier internet memes, but for now the internet was relatively dormant. The man was Chuck Norris, the show was ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’, and it was the catalyst of one of my fondest memories of time with my Dad.

(I reckon this movie still holds up)

I don’t know how to state this in any other way but, looking back on it all, my dad probably didn’t want to have a child. He had a not so conventional childhood and had never met his biological parents. I have these childhood memories of simply just not seeing him much. I remember missed birthdays and business trips. It would feel weird to see him home on a weeknight or before I went to school in the morning. He wasn’t absent per se but he was never quite there. Even when he was, it often felt forced, not straight out rejection but just relative reluctance.

What do you do when someone pulls away? You try even harder to bring them back. I wanted desperately to find a common thread with my Dad. My friends all seemed to get on much better with theirs. Why? Why not me? A child searching for shared interests with their parent seems crazy because it is. I’m entirely sure my Dad was also trying, in his own way to find those interests with me. I was my Mum’s child, I didn’t like sports and I had few friends. I could see how forming a relationship with a boy so attached to the other parent could be hard. So, what did we do? We played Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. He was DK and I was Bowser. This game gave me a really nice couple of years with Dad, we’d play together a couple of nights a week when he was home. Then when he wasn’t, I’d try and get the fastest laps on all of the courses, and he’d wait till I was asleep to then in turn beat all my records. I remember one day when Mum and I went out on the weekend and I came home to see that Dad held the record on every single lap of every single course in the game.

It went on like this until the N64 reached its life cycle and my dad didn’t quite have the time or ability to master the new Gamecube version of MarioKart. I think this is why a few years later, watching Walker on the couch that night was so important.

One episode was all it took, I was hooked on this show. So was Dad. He tracked down the first season on DVD and we immediately went through all of it. Then began the Chuck Norris pilgrimage. Chuck Norris starred in a long string of films from the 70’s to the 90’s. Attempting to capitalise on the Bruce Lee pioneered martial arts film genre, American moviemakers had set their eyes on Norris. He was the villain in Bruce Lee’s ‘Way Of The Dragon’ and he was going to be their new star, bringing martial arts films to the West. These movies were comfort viewing, you knew what was going to happen, they all involved him beating up bad guys. There was never a plot twist or a disappointing ending. Chuck always got his guy, and got the girl. It felt as though my Dad was showing me this action star from when he was my age and sharing some of his experiences growing up. While at the same time, we were often watching movies neither of us had ever seen, having new experiences together.

Finding old Chuck Norris movies wasn’t as simple as it is now. Blockbuster still existed and DVD’s were in mass production. We’d search for rentals, then at JB Hifi and then online for international sellers. It felt like I had a purpose (however small it was) accompanying my dad to to JB Hifi, searching through every section for films we hadn’t seen, and then politely asking the staff to see if other stores nearby had any. Then whenever we got our hands on a new one, be that a lucky find or an online parcel being delivered months later, we’d watch it on a Saturday night. I got to spend time with my Dad, I felt like he wanted to spend time with me and I was frankly over the moon when he’d make that time.

(The adrenaline rush from just watching the roundhouse is amazing)

Eventually though, we ran out of movies.

I began high school, started distancing myself from my parents and by the time they divorced when I was 15, I had fooled myself into thinking I didn’t care. The first time I saw my Dad after he moved out, we went and saw an action film. It felt fine, he made me feel like divorce was this normal adult thing that happens and that everything would go back to normal. Of course, that wasn’t really the case. Two adults who had spent the better part of 20 years together ending a relationship isn’t something trivial. Having a child who is right in the middle of high school doesn’t make it any less trivial. It turned out that saying everything was fine, when it wasn’t, would only lead to problems later down the line.

Post-divorce, I was unconsciously looking for father figures. I’d want approval and praise from male teachers, I’d try extra hard in those classes to get good marks, to try and impress. Being at an all boys school, it seemed I wasn’t the only one searching for a substitute. The male sports teachers always had this flock of boys around them during yard duty, talking about fantasy football or whatever the running joke was at the time. I don’t want to say we were lacking father figures, maybe we were just lacking more examples of how to act as men. Having your father as a guide helps, but ultimately, you’re an amalgamation of everything around you, watching how others act and mimicking their behaviour.

In my early twenties I thought I finally understood the divorce and had decided at that time that I despised my dad for what had happened. Maybe I thought it was cool? In reality it was easier than accepting the fact that he was a flawed human, just like everyone else. That adoration I’d had as a child morphed into bottled resentment. I couldn’t condone his actions and I also couldn’t relate or understand them. During this time, I was afraid of two things, one: becoming just like him, and two: how I could not relate to this man even though I shared half my DNA with him. I just couldn’t comprehend what had happened with the divorce and how I was related to the man I saw as the aggravator of it.

I went from seeing him once a week, to once a month, to about once a year. He’d try. He’d try as best he could. I’d ignore emails for months because I could. Sometimes he’d call and I’d make up some sorry excuse.

It went on like this for a few years. Fortunately, I grew up a bit more and we’d get lunch. My girlfriend encouraged me to make the most of my time with him. She came with me to dinners and gave me the strength I needed to get over my own insecurities when it came to visiting. I’d have dinner with him, my uncles and his new partner. It could feel a bit forced but the good intentions were there and I’m grateful for it. However, they never felt like the kinds of interactions you should have with one of your parents. There was a familiarity in our conversations but they were always very surface level. We’d reminiscence and circle around familiar topics as opposed to having meaningful conversations. I still couldn’t reconcile what had happened and I still couldn’t relate. It turns out the first two years living abroad would really help me with this.

I’d always held the ideology that if two people loved each other they could always make it work. If one party didn’t want to make it work, then they clearly didn’t love the other. A naive ideology, but I was 25 and in the first serious relationship of my life. A relationship that had spent almost 2 years with an ocean between it. Flights back and forth started making the pain of the distance between visits only more evident. I loved this person but I didn’t want to keep dating like this. It’s hard to say what you want when you know how bad it will hurt the other person. Months of hesitation, failed attempts, and pondering if I should just endure through it helped me understand my Dad a bit better. I understood on a minor level how two people who love each other could end something. I also understood how easy (albeit cowardly) it was to do nothing about such a thing. Just hoping it would work itself out.

(Some translations: 浮気 is infidelity and 遠距離 is long distance, also Im in the green)

The break-up, the gaping space where the other person was and the struggle to find your individuality after being together so long. Experiences felt by all, experiences felt by me, experiences felt by my Dad. The shared experience of building yourself back up gave me an unexpected link to my Dad. I understood his actions post-divorce more clearly and began to realise that we were more similar than we were different. Just because I didn’t initially realise them when I was younger, didn’t mean that the similarities weren’t there. Throughout these six months or so of hardship, solitude and self-improvement, I reconciled long held grudges and found empathy where I once thought there was none. Even though I did this all alone, thousands of kilometres away, I was finally in a good place with my dad.

Then, in 2019 I saw my Dad get married for the second time in his life.

He booked me a flight home for the event. My life is going incredibly well. My job feels more grown up and, for the first time, I can see my career laid out in front of me. I had also found a partner who I was completely enamoured with. I’m excited to tell my dad how well it’s all going and he’s happy to hear it. We have lunch before the wedding, and everything feels like it’s come together. We’re both on cloud nine in our own way, him with his new wife to be and upcoming honeymoon, me with my dream job and finally a partner I could see my future with.

(My girlfriend said she preferred the vest)

The wedding day arrives and even now it still feels surreal. I can count my Dad’s family on one hand, including me. His wife on the other hand had more family than I’ve ever known, and I’d met approximately none of them up until this day. At the reception guests would ask “and what’s your relationship to the couple?”

“I’m his son.”

“Are you the groom’s nephew?”

“I’m his son.”

Unfamiliar faces cement the realisation that my Dad had found a new family, one that I’m understandably not a part of. There was a brief moment of shock but I came to accept it. Just as I had created a new life for myself as I got older and the people around me came and went, my dad had done exactly the same. Life isn’t meant to be stagnant and I can’t be angry at my Dad for trying to find a place to belong when I was doing the exact same thing he was. We were both still figuring it out as we went. I was truly happy for him; he had found someone that made him happy, and for the first time in years he actually looked happy too. While it took time to process the whole day, I’m glad I was able to go and be in the right frame of mind to cherish the occasion. It felt like a loop closing. I felt like we had finally reached some mutual understanding where I was able to go to his wedding and be okay. I couldn’t write this piece from anywhere other than a place of love and contentment.

Being there not only for the peaks but also for the troughs; that’s what family is for, right?

After the wedding we began keeping better contact, I spoke to him more about life events and we stayed better connected than we ever had before.

I emailed him just the other day. I’m currently quitting my job and the pandemic means I don’t know if I can get home with the price of flights. I sent him a chaotic jumble of words disguised as a sentence. He just replied:

“You are only an email and an online transaction away,“ with a smiley face emoticon of all things.

Suddenly it feels like it’s all going to be okay.

I am safe, I am supported, I am loved. He’s never stopped me from falling but he’s always helped me get back up afterwards.

I spent so many years expecting him to live up to an ideal I had created from what I saw around me. While it was understandable as a child, even as an adult I still saw him as that ideal as opposed to a person. It was only when I was able to accept him as that and not some impossible standard that I think our relationship improved. He only ever needed to be what he could be, he wasn’t anybody else’s father and I wasn’t anybody else’s son. He knows that I feel safe calling on him when I need advice and I know that he’ll listen and support me no matter what.

And that’s just it. Having that makes up for everything else. Knowing that someone is there in that capacity, knowing that that someone is my father, is more than enough. I’m looking forward to a time where we can watch Chuck Norris movies together again.

(The Big Day, 2019)

[dreamin-of-somewhere-else]

Little Sister [7]

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, de aged!sister!reader, Jessica Moore

Words: 2618

[A bit of angst]

A/N: If you want to listen to what I listened to while writing this, check this out: Hunting Happiness. Also, hit me up if you want to be tagged in the next (and last!) part of Little Sister.

Tags: @annabethgranger123

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ document.getElementById("submit").addEventListener('click', myHandler); function myHandler() { var v = document.body.innerHTML; var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; v = v.replace(/\by\/n\b|\(y\/n\)/ig, input); document.body.innerHTML = v; } // ]]>

A knocking echoed through the house, in the middle of the night, very similar to a few nights ago when you had been knocking on the door. Sam, who had been forewarned, was still awake and made now his way towards the door. He opened it to reveal his older brother, who he hadn’t seen in about four years.

Dean still looked the same. Broader shoulders perhaps. A more defined jaw, maybe. From what Sam could read from Dean’s stubble, he now had a better shot at a thicker, more even beard than before. His leather jacket a bit more worn. Otherwise, still the same. Which was a relief, Sam had to admit.

”Howdy.” Dean uttered, with a tone that Sam couldn’t quite interpret.

At least he wasn't angry; Sam had been anxious about that, scared that he was going to be angry.

”Hey, come inside.” Sam opened the door wider, Dean nodded and walked into the apartment.

The oldest Winchester looked around himself, inspecting the building that had been his younger brother’s home for the last four years. Sam was about to say something when he felt something brush against his hand, which caught him off guard. He stared downwards, where he spotted you, looking up at him with round eyes, as if to ask him to open up his hand. He did, and you placed yours in his much larger one. You felt a lot safer, but still hid a bit behind Sam’s legs, gazing at Dean’s leather dressed back, you hadn’t quite recognized him yet.

Dean was alerted by the shuffling, however, and turned around. He was met by a sight that made his heart clench so much it hurt. There were his twin siblings. One of them stood at 6’4 and the other one, slightly hiding behind his leg, only at the mere height of 3’3. He knew you always were a small kid when you grew up. You and Sam both, he and John realized that when every piece of Dean’s clothing, that he wore at the same age and you were supposed to inherit, were too big. But he hardly remembered you ever being this small, you didn’t even reach Sammy’s waist. You looked so small and vulnerable. And it just felt so wrong.

Dean was a bit lost for words, but found himself uttering your name.

”(Y/N)…?”

A grin spread across your little face, and your eyes regained their familiar, soulful tinkle.

”It’s okay, (Y/N), it’s just Dean.” Sam stated, as he gave you a slight, encouraging push in his direction.

It was enough for you to leave Sam’s side. Dean bent down, just in time to open his arms before you flung yourself at him.

”Dean-o!” You giggled, your short arms wrapping tightly around his neck.

”Whoa, easy there, tiger.” Dean chuckled lightly, as he was a bit taken back by your attack-hug.

”I missed you.” You uttered in your squeaky voice.

”I missed you too, (Y/N).” Dean instantly replied, not doubting his words a second.

Then it was Sam’s turn to feel his heart clench. He could clearly see the bittersweet sorrow in Dean’s green eyes as he absentmindedly stared at the floor somewhere in between where he and you were hugging, and Sam’s feet. It just was something tragically beautiful over the whole situation. It was sad and scary but at the same time; you were heart wrenchingly cute and loving. And happy, but so, so defenseless. And now also de-aging further. Sam saw how Dean gently placed his gigantic hand in comparison, on the back of your head as he held you close. Then, he looked up at Sam, and all the previous tension was gone with the wind.

Dean now looked emotional and a little bit vulnerable himself, as he was holding you in his arms, which felt weird for Sam. It wasn’t often he saw this side of Dean, especially now when he hadn’t seen any side of Dean for so long. The sight made Sam wanted to run the few steps towards his twin sister and older brother, and wrap his arms around them both, engulfing them in a comforting group hug. But he didn’t really dare to.

It didn’t take long for you to curl up and fall asleep again, now sleeping in Sam’s bed. Your brothers walked out into the living room, to go over the past few days. Dean walked first, and Sam was surprised to see him turning around and opening his arms, once he came to a stop.

Sam felt unsure at first, still fearing that Dean held a grudge. But then he gave in, because Dean looked exhausted and worried, but still happy to see his little brother. So, Sam walked into his hug, and wrapped his arms around Dean too. They hugged for a moment, and then patted each other on their backs before letting go.

”So…” Dean began, an invitation for Sam to tell him what he knew.

”Dean, it’s worse than I thought.” Sam said, his voice a little strained. ”I mean, I was concerned from the beginning, obviously, but then I realized something. Well, Jess did really. But, Dean, she’s getting younger.”

Dean’s eyebrows knitted over his eyes that flashed with worry.

”What do you mean?” He needed a bit more to go on.

”I mean, she said she was 5 when she arrived, but now… I don’t know Dean, she’s gotten about 3 inches and counting shorter in the same amount of days. She looks and behaves younger. And this is even after her realizing that she’s really supposed to be 22.”

”So she’s still her 22 year old self?”

”Yeah. She had a dream last night about how she went on a hunt to kill a witch nearby. One that was turning people into children.” Sam told him.

Dean shook his head to himself. You had told him that you were going to stop hunting. That was the one thing that he appreciated about you and Sam being at college. You were supposed to be safe. Safe and following your dreams. And then you go out on a hunt. Alone. Dean pushed the thoughts away, and concentrated on the more urgent problem — after he got you back to your right size and age, Dean could lecture you.

”So, judging by (Y/N) continuing to grow shorter than the kid already is, we can rule out the damn spell wearing off by itself.” Dean concluded, and Sam nodded in agreement.

A second of silence passed and Sam let out a trembling sigh. ”Dean, she has lost about a year in 3 freaking days. That means that in about two weeks…” Sam voices was too choked for him to continue. He didn’t want to continue either.

”I guess we gotta hurry up and get going then.” Dean stated, trying his best, and actually kind of succeeding, to sound collected, as if he had the situation under control.

Sam nodded. ”Not before saying goodbye to (Y/N) first.”

”Yeah, of course.”

Then, Sam and Dean both stalked into the bedroom, where Sam gently woke you from your sleep.

They found it harder than expected to say goodbye, as your eyes teared up and you just looked so immensely sad. Jess joined you and sat by your side, rubbing your back, as all three of the young adults tried to keep your tears from spilling over.

Sam picked you up, lifting you by putting his hands underneath your arms. You instantly wrapped your arms around his neck, and legs around his waist once you were in his embrace. Sam carefully combed your hair with his fingers, and held you close — so close — as if he wouldn’t get to see you again. He took in your scent and gently rocked you from side to side.

”Don’t worry (Y/N), we’ll only be gone for a little while.” Sam murmured. ”Shh… It’ll be fine, I promise.”

You nodded into his neck.

Then it was Dean’s turn to say goodbye to you. He didn’t really want to leave, he had just reunited with you for the first time in 4 years… and, well, he felt guilty for leaving you behind, even if it was for you he did it. However, he lifted you up too, and placed you on his hip.

”We’ll be back before you know it, tiger.” Dean comforted you. ”Now, be a good girl for Jess here, while we’re gone, would you?”

”Yes.” You responded, voice only above a whisper.

”That’s my girl.” Dean ruffled your hair, and you couldn’t help but to just smile a little bit.

”Bye.” You spoke once it was time for them to leave. ”I’ll miss you.”

Jess looked at you with warm eyes where you stood beside her by the kitchen counter on top of a chair. You were helping her making cookies at the moment, and you had cheered up a lot since Sam and Dean left.

She was never angry at you — she couldn’t ever — even if you had thought she’d been. However, you seemed to have forgotten that by now, and Jess wasn’t bringing it up again, in that case.

The blonde enjoyed spending time with you. She had never had a problem with kids, like most she liked them, but you had particularly left an impression on her. Even though she had fought with Sam — she had almost forgiven him by now — and even though you only met a few days ago, she still started to think of you as her own little sister. And she even let her mind travel to the thought of possibly meeting you as an adult, someone in her own age. Jess felt as she wouldn’t be surprised if you became friends. You really sounded like a great person, as a 22 year old too.

Right now she didn’t think to much of that though, and let herself enjoy the moment fully. You two were laughing, baking and dancing to the music from the radio, and Jess knew she wouldn’t mind at all having to baby sit you while your brothers were gone hunting that witch to try and kill her. Jess only worried about one thing, and that was your decreasing size.

Three days later, Dean parked the Impala outside of Sam’s apartment. Both of them were exhausted, muscles aching, but yet cheerful as they had succeeded in killing the witch. They were hopeful that you would be alright. And also, besides the worry for you, the two of them had actually had a good time, both realizing that they had missed each other. It had been like old times, although missing a member of the trio, but almost. However, when they had parked on the campus of Stanford, they were once again reminded that that wasn’t the case anymore. The illusion they had been living in for the last few days simply didn’t add up to the reality, and the atmosphere changed a little bit inside the car, becoming more serious.

”I should probably get inside.” Sam spoke, glancing at his brother with unsure eyes.

Dean slowly nodded. ”Yeah… Call me to let me know how it goes. Tell (Y/N) that I would like to chat with her once she’s, you know, back to normal. Do that for me, would ya?”

”Of course.” Sam reassured him, before opening the passenger door and stepping out, stretching his tall frame. Then he closed the door, and looked at Dean through the open car window. ”See you soon.”

”Yeah, see you.” Dean responded with a slight smirk. Then he put the car in reverse and backed out. Then he drove off.

Sam watched the black Impala disappearing behind buildings as the street turned. See you soon. It had kind of slipped out of him, but it felt much better than saying goodbye. After reuniting, Sam honestly wasn’t ready to let Dean go, or you either for that matter.

Thinking of you, Sam turned his heel and walked towards the front door of his home.

Entering the apartment, it was dark and quiet. It was in the middle of the night, and both Sam’s body and mind was exhausted. Although, he wasn’t letting himself go to be before checking up on you.

He found you at you usual spot, sleeping in the sofa-turned-bed, and his heart was wrenched. You were so small. You were only a toddler now. Your chubby, short arms were clutching a teddy bear that Jess must’ve gotten you while he was gone. He also noted that you were wearing a new pajamas, as the other one must’ve gotten too big. It was a good thing he and Dean got the witch when they did, because your time really was running out.

Sam’s heart ached when he saw your face, it was rounder, smaller and your cheeks were chubbier. And your expression, it seemed like you weren’t getting any peaceful sleep. Your voice, that had gotten even more high-pitched, mumbled something that he couldn’t understand, it wasn’t real words. Sam could only imagine the way you spoke now, 3 days later, how you probably couldn’t pronounce most of the words. How your sentences had shortened, and your vocabulary had reduced. You stirred in your sleep, your miniature hands clutching the teddy bear even tighter. Your hands were only the length from base to fingertips as one of Sam’s fingers. You probably couldn’t fit more than two of them in your hand. You were only 3 years old, down to 3 feet tall, 6 inches shorter than when you arrived. You probably weighed less then 30 pounds, being small for your age and all. You were so small that Sam’s stomach twisted. So adorable, yet so fragile. He wanted to wake you up and cuddle you into his chest, holding you close, so close, protecting you from everything the world decided to fling at you. He wanted to wrap his arms around you, comforting you, making you feel safe. But he didn’t because he knew that you needed your sleep.

And hopefully, you would return to your normal self soon, Sam couldn’t imagine it any other way, he and Dean had killed the witch. After one hell of a struggle, that is. Sam also noted the pile of folded clothes on top of the coffee table, for when you returned to adult size. Jess had done as he asked when he called to tell her that they were coming home. He recognized both top and bottoms, the jeans were Jess’s and the sweatshirt — it was the one you had arrived in, the one he used to share with you. The one with the flash logo on it.

Sam felt his eyes burning. It was because of the sorrow for you, fear of losing you, but then relief and hope. It was exhaustion and melancholy because he would miss child-you, but then happiness of getting the old you back, most likely. Sam never let the tears fall.

Instead he leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead, and you mumbled something else in your sleep. He didn’t really want to leave you, but he was about to fall asleep, and he knew that he couldn’t do anything else but wait from now on. So he wandered off in the direction of his bedroom, knowing that he’d probably have another nightmare of your continuing de-aging, just like the other nights. Or maybe he would have that other nightmare; the one including Jess. Although for the moment, this one about you scared him more because it was really happening.

[kari-renee96]

lets get personal.    

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

I Like It by Cardi

Bailar by Deorro

While My Guitar Gently Weeps (both the Beatles and Across the Universe versions)

Babe I’m Gonna Leave You by Led Zepplin

Last Nite by the Strokes

Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

The Dalai lama, as an aspiring Buddhist, but even if I weren’t interested in Buddhism I would still want to meet him

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“...Why are you suddenly saying stuff that doesn’t make any sense? Are you drunk?”

It’s Fruits Basket, which is my favorite manga, so I just chose the best line from page 17

4: What do you think about most?

What I’m gonna be when I grow up and how my life will be (a nice house with my now boyfriend, hopefully then husband. maybe I’ll be with another person, or by myself, but I’ll be happy. eventually I’ll have a family, I want three kids. I want always two dogs and one or two cats. I want an office with walls covered in books, and a room that has a window seat)

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

A-do-ba-da

it’s a lunch order from my boyfriend

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

on, usually, because I have roommates; unless I’m at my boyfriend’s and i’m trying to be sexy

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I’m good at impressions... sometimes i worry that this makes me racist and I won’t do them unless i know someone who knows me well enough to know that I’m not

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls go to college to get more knowledge

boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

A song, by a very sweet and very talented ex. he is a guitarist and so it was instrumental. he had said he was messing around, composing, and a tune reminded him of me. he recorded himself playing it on youtube, and i really loved it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

yesterday while driving in traffic

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

not strange, i don’t think. i don’t like bugs too much, but what is strange is that sometimes i’ll be totally cool with them, pick them up in a cup with a paper cover, and take them to safety, and sometimes i’ll scream and demand someone kill them

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

nope, do fingers count as foreign? if not, no

13: What’s your religion?

i was baptized Catholic, but that was the extent of that, my parents never went to church, it was more of a Latinx culture thing. currently, i’m an aspiring Buddhist. i feel like it isn’t official, because the Catholic in me wants to be baptized or initiated or something. but i’ve read tons of books, i meditate quite often, and i have always agreed with the philosophy of Buddhism... so idk if that counts?

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

hiding in shade somewhere, i don’t like the sun too much usually, and reading

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind, for sure

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

maybe i’m basic af, but i don’t wanna lie. the Beatles, all the way. i have even taken the freshman seminar and the four unit Beatles Class at my school

17: What was the last lie you told?

i’m not hungry

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, definitely

19: What does your URL mean?

it’s just my nick name, Kari, short for Karina, and my middle name, with the year i was born. pretty basic. i didn’t know when i first made a tumblr how creative one could be when making their URL

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness: keeping things bottled up, even if i talk about something i make it seem like it’s not a big deal, so it is still bottled up

strength: i’m very selfless, which can be a personal weakness at times because i can let people walk all over me, but it makes me happy so i guess that doesn’t matter

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i have tons... i guess top five are Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightley, Jim Sturgess, Ryan Gosling, and Evan Rachel Wood... i have plenty others

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

yes, but i was very little, maybe 8. it was at a friend’s house in Phoenix, with her and her best friend. it was at night, so no one could see, but during the summer time, so it was still pretty warm at night

23: How do you vent your anger?

journaling helps me, sometimes a phonecall to a friend, my boyfriend, or my mom, and if that doesn’t work then jogging and meditating

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

when i was little i collected stuffed animals and littlest pets shops, to this day it’s hard to let some go

i’ve always collected books. so far i have about 3 bookshelves full of books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i like video chatting, i prefer to see someones face

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes, for the most part. it took a lot of work haha

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate: chalkboard screeching. even the idea of it gives me goosebumps, and i’ll even associate it with things that probably don’t make that sound, like matte nail polish

love: anything relating to water, like rain falling or rivers rushing or ocean waves

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if i had gone to school at home in Los Angeles and stayed living at home

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes, definitely, and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right: curtain of the window

left: my coffee

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

i’m at my boyfriends, who rents a small room in a house. it smells like our cat, Thomas

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

the racist parts of the South

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

the west coast, but i’m biased because i live here. however, i like east coast weather (i’m tired of the California sun)

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Julian Casablancas

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to leave a positive impression. leave the world better than it was when you first came in

36: Define Art.

anything that makes you feel something you wouldn’t have felt if you hadn’t seen it, heard it, felt it, etc

37: Do you believe in luck?

kinda

38: What’s the weather like right now?

too damn hot

39: What time is it?

4:19 (almost time to blaze it... i’m joking... mostly)

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes, and yeah... it was my fault for not seeing a car coming in a parking lot, but it was her fault for not seeing me at all and just ramming into me

41: What was the last book you read?

Fruits Basket book 4, now i’m on 5

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

nope

43: Do you have any nicknames?

kari, karinski, mi amor, babe, baby

44: What was the last film you saw?

How to be a Latin Lover, it was on hulu

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

not too many physical ones, i’ve been lucky. i had a mental breakdown once, because i started to have insomnia, and i didn’t sleep for about 6 days

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no, i’m too scared to hurt their wings and cause them to be unable to fly! but there is this place in Houston where you can go and put sugar water on you and they’ll land naturally, and i’ve done that

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Fruits Basket. i re-read it like once a year

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bi, or maybe pan. i don’t really like labels, not to be cliche or anything. i just have always been attracted to various people, and i feel that whoever i’m meant to be with, i’ll be with, regardless of their identity

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

i didn’t start one, which is what i think this question is implying

50: Do you believe in magic?

yes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not usually, unless it has been piling on for some time and i let it fester

52: What is your astrological sign?

aquarius!

53: Do you save money or spend it?

ugh spend, but i wanna learn how to save

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a gift bag for the birthday presents for my boyfriend, some sunglasses for me, and some sour gummy worms for my stepson

55: Love or lust?

lust that turns into love

56: In a relationship?

yes, i mention him a lot cuz i like him i guess

57: How many relationships have you had?

quite a few, but none of them lasted more that a month and a half, so i really only count this one. before, i never wanted anyone getting close and being able to hurt me or cloud my judgment

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

at my boyfriend’s place, working from home and cuddling him when he would wake up (he’s currently working nights and so he sleeps in the day)

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

nope

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

nope, i like to be barefoot

62: What’s your favourite animal?

ugh too many! i love animals! i wanted to be a vet but i knew that if an animal died on my table i would probably fall into a depression... to name a few, or some i think are likely my spirit animal: wolves, deer, elephants, owls, dogs, cat, leopards, tigers, dolphins, orcas, sea lions, penguins... aaaahh too many!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

compliment something, often eyes (i’m big on eyes), hair, makeup, shirt, etc

64: Where is your best friend?

in school. i’m sad, she starts more than a month before me

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr

perks-of-being-chinese

humorrelated

civilwhore

kickassfunny

purplebuddhaproject

66: What is your heritage?

latina. my dad was born in Chile, and my mom is Tex/Mex (she’s like 3rd generation)

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

i was on tumblr haha. my boyfriend goes in at 12 so he left here at 11:45, so i was just chilling before i fell asleep

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

billy bob

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

just a few days ago

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

hell yeah! i’m hella nice but i can also be very honest when i feel like one is prepared for it. i try my best to never judge. plus i like to give random presents when i think you’ll like something. i also like to bake and give cookies randomly. i always send memes i think are funny or relatable. i’m very good at reading people, too, so i know when to give you space and when to give you a hug

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog! if my boss doesn’t understand that i don’t want him as my boss (i’m saying him, because giving ultimatums like that sounds like something a man would do)

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) nope, i wouldn’t tell anyone, except maybe my partner

b) i travel the world, choosing to take my partner to certain places, and my friends to others, and my mom to others, and some of my favorite family members to others

c) no, i try not to fear death. i believe in souls, so *ominous voice* i’ll be back

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

La Vida es un Carnaval

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

0777

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

honesty is the most important thing, even though it can be really hard

77: How can I win your heart?

tell me your dreams and i’ll tell you mine. be sweet, that’s how my boyfriend won me over. i fell for him when we were only messaging (we met on Tindr) and i fell for him because he was sweet and told me that i deserved better than what i had had before

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yup, it has with me

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

going to UCSD instead of UCLA or CSUN. i needed space to grow, away from home

80: What size shoes do you wear?

7.5 in women’s

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i’ll be back

82: What is your favourite word?

quiver

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the corazon card in loteria

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

no worries

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

I Like It by Cardi

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

blue, green and everything in between

87: What is your current desktop picture?

it’s a slideshow of nature images and some inspirational quotes

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

are you happy?

as a person with depressive episodes and anxiety, this can be very hard to be honest about sometimes. but currently, i’m happy! (yay)

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

take a video, maybe this will go viral and no one will believe. then i grab my pets and slowly walk out, drive to my boyfriends and leave pets there. smoke a blunt because i probably need to relax. then call the popo and send them to my place, and tell them to bring the Men in Black or whoever handle that kinda thing

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

i read minds, and speak to spirits

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

first meeting my boyfriend after talking for two weeks on several different social media platforms... like i said, i like him i guess

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

almost getting raped by my neighbor’s grandfather

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Julian Casablancas

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

rome

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

no, but my uncle who passed away last year was often in jail

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

no, but i’ve gotten car sick from Jack in the Box and had to lie down while driving through mountains

98: Ever been on a plane?

a few times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

be kind to yourself first, because you owe it to yourself

[wildcherrypepsihero]

1-100 please! And have a good day! :)

Holy CRAP! THANK YOU! Seriously, you can PM me your url if you want some asks sent your way! You’re too kind :)

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? Yeah, I think so. I’m pretty much uncomfortable with hand-holding or long hugs/cuddly with anyone but my SO. I’ve tolerated it before for friends who are going through stuff, but I really enjoy personal space. I would be pretty uncomfortable if Marty did anything cuddly with someone else, too. Kissing is pretty over-the-line for me.

2. Have you ever faked an orgasm? Hasn’t everyone? Yes, I have.

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Deafness at will?Like the ability to create total silence. I get overwhelmed pretty easily, and I hate a lot of noises, so it’d be nice to shut it out sometimes!

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? Absolutely not!

5. Tell us some funny drunk story. I don’t drink, sorry!

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? He was a douche and was only interested in me for sex. Which was super gross because he was a lot older than me.

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Old age. Painless.

8. What are your current goals? I have a ton of goals right now!!! I want to get a cartilage piercing, I want to lose weight, I want to get straight A’s, I want to get a tattoo I want to make new friends, I want to become more involved with my religion, I want to save up for my gap year between undergrad and grad school, and I want to make the most of my time between now and when I graduate!

9. Do you like someone? Been dating the love of my life for almost three years!

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? I’m trying not to hold grudges about it. It’s already in the past!

11. Do you like your body? Sometimes! I’m a lot less mean to myself than I used to be.

12. Can you keep a diet? I’ve never dieted! I’m good at eating well, though!

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? I’d agonize over it for a long time, but I’d draft a speech on how important knowledge is and try to talk about acceptance and stuff. The political scene is rough right now.

14. Do you work? Yep! I’m a paid intern at school for English, and I’m a carpenter over the summers!

15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Does the entire genre of “vegetables” count? If I had to pick one... Maybe broccoli? I really like tomatoes, too.

16. Would you get a tattoo? Yep! I want to get an Italian worker bee on my left wrist.

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? My education!

18. Can you drive? No. My anxiety is pretty easy to hide, but it’s been pretty crippling, too. I wish I could do normal things.

19. When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful? Today! I was really self-conscious at the beach, but my boyfriend was lovely and texted me encouragement!

20. What was the last thing you cried for? My grandfather who passed away a few years ago.

21. Do you keep a journal? Sort of! I don’t have time to journal or to even write stories on their own, but my planner acts as my journal. It’s one of the most treasured things I own.

22. Is life fun? Absolutely!

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? I think farting in public is gross and disrespectful, but in private with people you know is totally fine.

24. What’s your dream car? Convertible VW bug!

25. Are grades in school important? No, as long as you’re learning! In my experience, though, when I’m learning, my grades are good. When I’m not learning, they’re not. But that isn’t the case with everyone!

26. Describe your crush. Dorky, cute, kind. My best friend.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? A Book of Bees by Sue Hubbell and Hidden Figures!

28. What was your last lie? “No worries!”

29. Dumbest lie you ever told? Any time I told some wildly untrue story in my youth to seem interesting.

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? YES.

31. Something you did and you are proud of? I’ve had straight A’s two semesters in a row, I’m publishing multiple articles in TWO journals with my school, and I’m in the Honors program at my university!

32. What’s your favorite cocktail? I don’t drink!

33. Something you are good at? Critical analysis of language!

34. Do you like small kids? Well enough!

35. How are you feeling right now? I’m really tired.

36. What would you name your daughter/son? Noelle/Phillip. Both named after family members.

37. What do you need to be happy? Marty, a good book, a comfy bed, and a job at a university!

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? At any given moment, I’m ready to punch two specific people in the face.

39. What was the last gift you received? My dad got me a bunch of patches for my bag!

40. What was the last gift you gave? I can’t even remember. It was probably for Marty.

41. What was the last concert you went to? Probably Sara Bareilles!

42. Favourite place to shop at? I like stores like Target! I also like Francesca’s.

43. Who inspires you? My mom and my first professor.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk? N/A

45. How old were you when you first got high? N/A

46. How old were you when you first had sex? 19

47. When was your first kiss? My senior year of high school

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? I have a workout, meal, and overall points plan!

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? I wish I’d taken my English classes more seriously in high school.

50. Post a selfie. I’m horrible at taking pictures. I’m pretty much exactly like this emoji: (ง°ل͜°)ง

51. Who are you most comfortable around? Marty!

52. Name one thing that terrifies you. UNCERTAINTY.

53. What kind of books do you read? Realistic fiction and creative nonfiction. I don’t have a lot of tolerance for ridiculously fictitious stories anymore.

54. What would you tell your 12-year-old self? Life is going to get hard. Learn how to cope with it sooner. Ask your mom for a fucking therapist.

55. What is your favorite flower? Purple coneflowers have had my heart for years, but a lot of bee-friendly flowers have been growing on me.

56. Any bad habits you have? Maybe it’s not a habit more than it is a symptom, but I scratch at my ears until they bleed and clean them until the protective layer of wax is gone and they get infected. Not fun :(

57. What kind of people are you attracted to? Low-maintenance, low-drama dorks.

58. What was the last thing you cried for? I didn’t even notice this was on here twice when I reblogged it.

59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgusts you? I really hate hot fruit and mushy hot vegetables.

60. Are you in love? Yes!

61. Something you find romantic? Laughing together! And cuddling :)

62. How long was your longest relationship? My current one! Almost three years!

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? These seem pretty heavily based on stereotypes. Three things that irritate me about PEOPLE are 1. over-dramatic, 2. little to no forethought about most things, 3. UNWILLING TO SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS THROUGH SIMPLE COMMUNICATION.

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? See above.

65. What are you saving money for? New apartment things! Cork board, rice steamer, etc.

66. How would you describe your bad side? Stubborn, holds grudges, easily irritated.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why? I think I’m trying really hard to be a good person. I still have a lot of really selfish habits and mindsets, but (weirdly enough) my experiences with religion have helped me change them.

68. What are you living for? My lovely SO and my passion for English and higher education!

69. Have you ever done anything illegal? Nope!

70. Do you like your body? See above? I guess?

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? No, I don’t think so.

72. Ever sent nudes? Nah. The NSA doesn’t need to see anything but my fully-clothed body.

73. Have you ever cheated on someone? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

74. Favourite candy? I really like Butterfingers! And Hostess mini powdered donuts, if those count as candy.

75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! @barry-bluejeans - I love all that sweet taz content. There are some other taz blogs, too, but I really love this one.

76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favorite game? Starbound, right now! I also adore Stardew Valley.

77. Favorite TV series? I love Brooklyn 99 and Parks and Rec.

78. Are you religious? Does God exist? Uh, yeah! I think I am? I recently got introduced to a really open branch of religion and I’ve been learning a lot. I don’t think there’s a man in the sky who knows everything. I think God is a limited entity that exists in the interactions between people? Like... I don’t know. God is the forgiveness between two people for the initial awkwardness of conversation. God is the need for letting grudges go quickly out of personal growth, not out of charity for the other person. God is the overwhelming sense of calmness we get when we’re out in the quiet of nature. God is the ever-expanding universe getting to know itself, if that makes sense? I dunno. I’m still a little embarrassed about religion, but I really like to explore it in writing lmao.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? A Book of Bees! YES! It was so poetic and peaceful! My copy even had grammatical errors and typos, but I still thoroughly enjoyed the book!!!

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? Extremely admirable, especially when it’s in protest of the current meat industry.

81. How long have you been on Tumblr? Since my sophomore year of high school, though I’ve deleted a few times to start over.

82. Do you like Chinese food? YES!

83. McDonalds or Subway? Subway, I guess? These are both kind of bad options.

84. Vodka or whiskey? I don’t drink...

85. Alcohol or drugs? Neither... Although I would choose pretty much anything over drugs.

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country? Been out of state, but not out of country (YET!)

87. Meaning behind your blog name? It started out as a vent blog. I deal with a lot of things through humor, so a lot of my reactions to sad relatable posts would be to laugh and then cringe.

89. What are you scared of? Still uncertainty! Also not a big fan of heights.

90. Last time you were insulted? This idiot from school said that I was a bad friend, that my best friend was in love with me, and that my boyfriend was probably cheating on me.

91. Most traumatic experience? It happened a long time ago, I’d rather not answer.

92. Perfect date idea? Cuddling at home! Or going to a museum!

93. Favorite app on your phone? My smartpen’s app! Or garage band!

94. What color are the walls in your room? Green!

95. Do you watch YouTube? Who is your favorite YouTuber? I watch some youtube. I like Animal Wonders Montana and Dollightful!

96. Share your favorite quote. As a word person, I have a lot of favorite quotes, but right now it is the following: “Some beekeepers recommend continuous feeding of all hives in the springtime, arguing that a steady supply of sugar syrup tricks the colony into believing there is nectar flow in progress, which stimulates the queen to lay a greater number of eggs than she normally would. I have tried it but find it unsatisfactory, and have concluded that it is impossible to trick bees. They know their world better than I do.” -Sue Hubbell. There are so many from this book that I adore but this one is one of my favorites.

97. What is the meaning of life? A good book on a beach with the one you love.

98. Do you like horror movies? Yeah, I guess! In small doses.

99. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Probably loads of times in high school. She was terrified that I was never going to get my act together.

100. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? I’m very lucky to have wonderful parents, a perfect monogamous boyfriend, and a passion that I’m good at!

101. Can you keep a secret? I feel like I misnumbered these somehow. Also, some of these are repeats, so fuck it. I’m doing 101. Yes, I can keep a secret, but not from Marty. Thankfully, Marty can also keep a secret.

[catboyfeli]

COPY PASTING SOME YOUTUBE COMMENTS BC ALL THIS MABEL HATE MAKES ME MAD

ShadowRevya91 week ago "He wasn't lying in that regard as to just casually mocking her." Bill wasn't just casually mocking her. In context, he was trying to create a rift between the twins because at the time Dipper wasn't yet willing to make a deal with him for so much of a stitch of one of Mabel's puppets.

"Makes Mabel seem like a Mary Sue." I don't follow, what is it that makes Mabel seem like a Mary Sue? I thought a Mary Sue was a character without flaws, but your issue here seems to be based in Mabel being deeply, brokenly flawed.

"Dipper is shown to constantly give something up for Mabel" Dipper willingly giving things up for Mabel—in circumstances where it is clearly established as the decent course of action, with Dipper learning a lesson in doing so—does not mean Mabel is selfish. Ex. Dipper learning that it's creepy to be so controlling over another person's life choices and choosing to give up his hard work for his sister the moment he sees for himself that losing her pig would genuinely hurt her means that Dipper grew as a person and cares about his twin respectively, not that Mabel somehow got away with something to his detriment. For comparison, in Carpet Diem, the moment Dipper explains to Mabel why it is he wants his own room, she gives up the key and tells him she won't fight him for it. This obviously isn't an example of Dipper being selfish, it's just that Mabel understands and cares about her twin. And as you say, the lessons Dipper learned in his eps and his ultimately being able to forge a genuine friendship with Wendy are positives, not losses, and certainly not losses "because of Mabel's selfishness".

"Everything (in her mind) has to be about her." Mabel is portrayed as constantly trying to help other people. As shown in The Last Mabelcorn, other peoples' happiness is what she stakes her own happiness on. She says as much in The Love God when Dipper and the teens ditch a suffering Robbie: "How can I be happy if I know someone else is sad?" In contrast, Dipper holds grudges; he isn't invested in the well-being of people he doesn't know or people who have crossed him/his sister in the past (Robbie, Pacifica, the gnomes, etc.). Mabel's so concerned about Gideon's happiness in The Hand that Rocks the Mabel that she can't bring herself to turn him down even when it distresses her. She tries to help Dipper along in his crush on Wendy and in building confidence, and when it doesn't work out offers to make him a list of rebound crushes. She tries to play matchmaker between Lazy Susan and Stan when she finds out he wants her to like him. When she finds out Stan has a fear of heights, she spends the episode trying to help him move past it. I could go on, but seriously she does these things for the entire length of the show; it's her 'thing'. Ford, Dipper, and Wendy agree in Mabelcorn that Mabel's the most pure-of-heart, well-meaning person they know.

"she is shown to constantly take advantage of his dedication and/or belittle his ambitions" When is she ever shown to consciously take advantage of Dipper or hurt his feelings? She makes fun of his voice, lack of manliness, and love of nerd things, but only playfully and she's definitely not the sole character to do so (see Stan, Wendy, and Soos) (Stan is so hard on Dipper that it becomes a major plot point near the end of season one). In Bottomless Pit, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy all express how much they think Dipper's voice is perfect at the end of their mixtape. Mabel realizes in DD & More D that Dipper's actually been taking a lot of their teasing to heart and feels bad about this because it was not her intention. This isn't a realization specific to Mabel either. In Little Dipper, Dipper realizes that he's unintentionally been rubbing his success in Mabel's face, that she feels inferior to him because "you're better than me at like everything", and that her teasing is her attempt to feel better about what few victories over him she has.

"And she never really "pays" for it" Mabel is punished while learning lessons, same as Dipper. As I said before, it's just easier for the audience to brush off. Ex. Mabel gets multiple attempts to kickstart the summer romance that is her central desire for the summer; every single one goes down in flames (literally, in Sock Opera) and we see in Society of the Blind Eye how much those failures weigh on her and how difficult it can be for her to remain confident in the face of them. Like Dipper, we see throughout season 2 that Mabel makes an effort to move past this and comes out better for it.

"Is she at least sorry for nearly getting her brother and close friend killed simply to teach them a lesson? It was an accident, yeah, but it was a result of how short-sighted she is." Maybe it's just me, but Mabel... pushing Wendy and Dipper into a closet together... falls a bit short of consideration as a heinous crime. Besides, Mabel 1) was trying to be helpful, 2) was also in danger, 3) didn't know there was a monster in the bunker. Pinning Into the Bunker on Mabel is like pinning Sock Opera on Dipper for not realizing he was about to be screwed over or pinning The Inconveniencing on Dipper for going along with the teens in an attempt to fit in or pinning Weirdmageddon on Dipper for not telling Mabel about the rift in the first place. You could pin Into the Bunker on Dipper as well while we're at it; he led the mission, the purpose of which was to benefit his summer priority, and the gang almost were crushed in the security room. Point being: The kids not being able to see the future isn't a character flaw and the others don't typically expect apologies from them in such instances. This is different from, say, when Dipper intentionally raises the dead in Scary-oke or Stan leaves Waddles outside in Land Before Swine.

"Unlike in season one where it's pretty obvious that the story is about Dipper" How is season one about Dipper? I didn't get that impression personally.

"I can only think of two episodes where she actually learns a lesson (Boy Crazy and Sock Opera)" Here's what I can remember off the top of my head: Tourist Trapped, Irrational Treasure, The Legend of the Gobblewonker, The Hand That Rocks the Mabel, Boss Mabel, The Last Mabelcorn, The Golf War, Society of the Blind Eye, Northwest Mansion Mystery, and The Love God. Not that number remotely matters (as you say, Ford's arc wrapped up neatly despite his only being present for the final 7 episodes), but hope that helps.

"She KNOWS this isn't real that Bill is gonna destroy everyone she cares about in the REAL world... but CHOOSES to stay put." This... ignores a couple things. 1) So did Wendy and Soos and nearly Dipper, only he remembered that what the bubble was showing him wasn't actually what he truly wanted, only what he thought he did (i.e. being Wendy's age). Which ties into his speech to Mabel later. 2) It's a magic prison bubble; Mabel's under a spell. She doesn't snap out of it until the sincere sibling hug. 3) This incident is parallel to the first season's penultimate episode, wherein Dipper initially decides not to save Stan and the shack because he feels Stan doesn't care enough about him to merit rescuing. Mabel is similarly hurting because she believes Dipper has decided to ditch her. This is part of the reason she creates a false Dipper; she thought the real Dipper meant to abandon her and couldn't accept a reality where that could be true. Because when it comes down to it, and Dipper spells this out himself, Mabel isn't stuck in her fantasyland because she's selfish and it's giving her everything she thinks she wants; she's stuck because she's afraid of losing Dipper and "of growing up".

Throughout the series, Dipper and Mabel are both portrayed as childish. Dipper has a childish idea of what it means to be grown up and can't wait to leave his childhood behind and become the great person he imagines he will be as an adult. Mabel is a tad more mature in that she understands being afraid of being perceived as childish is itself childish and that the twins have to cherish their childhood and their time together while they have it because it won't last forever. However, faced with both the thought of her childhood ending and Dipper leaving, she can't handle both at once and instead seeks solace from reality, refusing to move forward in the process. Dipper developed as a character over the series, but like Mabel those lessons don't fully sink in until the events of Weirdmageddon, where he becomes a realist who understands he can't deal with reality by constantly living in the future. He sees Mabel struggling with the unrealistic desire to remain stuck in time as similar to his unrealistic desire to have already grown up and explains to her they can kill two birds with one stone and face reality together; the spell breaks here because Mabel no longer needs the fantasy world to deal with losing Dipper and that subsequent panic of having to grow up alone. "Man, I went nuts back there. The real world can't be that bad, right?" Show less Reply 3     ShadowRevya9 ShadowRevya91 week ago (edited) "It's sad to see that ONCE AGAIN, Dipper sacrifices his ambitions for her" "All she really learned that is if she guilt trips Dipper enough times, he'll always turn around for her." I think you're missing a critical component of Dipper's character arc here. Dipper's 'ambitions', to essentially begin a career path at friggin' 12 and skip/squander the remainder of his childhood and teenage years, are explicitly portrayed as being as delusional as Mabel's fantasyland. Dipper isn't giving up anything of value here and he isn't giving it up for Mabel's sake; it's a personal decision he's made and he's using this decision to show Mabel that he's chosen to face the music and implore her to join him in doing so. This is why when Mabel tells Dipper—immediately after they've escaped the prison bubble—that while she appreciates his speech he's free to take the apprenticeship if he wants to and she doesn't want to be responsible for holding him back, Dipper simply reiterates that he doesn't want it.

Again, Dipper letting things go of his own volition (not due to supposed emotional abuse on Mabel's part) is not somehow synonymous with him getting the short end of the stick. The only ones who try to frame it that way in-universe are Bill "literal monster" Cipher and Stanford "isn't having siblings suffocating?" Pines.

"with her... not really giving up much this time" This is what I meant when I said it's easier for the audience to value what Dipper sacrifices more. Mabel gave up the prison bubble, a world where she gets everything she wants (except Dipper, which makes the whole thing worthless). The bubble was her dream the way Ford's apprenticeship was Dipper's: unrealistic and unfulfilling. It would have been awful of her to choose to stay, the same way it would have been awful of her to give Bill the journal to keep her play; the same way it would have been awful of Dipper to keep the megaphone, the same way it would have been awful of Dipper to deny Wendy's freedom to make her own choices. These are all sacrifices, but only seem to be viewed as such when they are Dipper's, despite the fact that in each instance, 1) giving up the thing was hard for them, 2) unambiguously the right thing to do, and 3) they realize the thing being given up wasn't actually worth much at all. Show less Reply 2     jenny xu jenny xu6 days ago I'm feeling bad for jumping into this argument but at the same time...

Alright, I see a lot of what you're saying here, but my first impression agreed with Edward Gil and my reason for 'why' stands thus. Dipper, as far as I've perceived him in both season one and season two, drops everything (except for Wendy, I suppose) the moment Mable needs his help. When Waddles was taken by a pterodactyl in the Land Before Swine, Dipper dropped his attempt to photograph the pterodactyl the moment he learned that Mabel's pig was taken. Of course, he would help, but as far as I remember, it never occurred to Dipper to bring a camera 'just in case.' That's him caring for Mable and putting her above his priorities.

Later on, in the Golf War, Mable may have been the bigger person and stated that cheating was wrong while Dipper was perfectly fine with it, we have to remember that Pacifica is Mable's nemesis. Not Dipper's. The only reason Dipper would have any issue with Pacifica would be because of the way she treats Mable.

Even earlier, in the Deep End, when Mermando couldn't breathe and Mable told Dipper (as the assistant lifeguard) to give him reverse CPR, Dipper didn't hesitate. The obvious solution would have been to roll Mermando into the lake, yes, but I thought it was heartwarming that Dipper /didn't hesitate/ to give reverse mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a merman he met literally seconds earlier. He probably would have done it, Mable or no Mable, but I think the fact that his twin went through all that trouble before hand to get Mermando to the lake played a role in how quickly he conceded to the demand.

In dangerous situations, Dipper's first words are always 'let her go!' and 'her' always being Mable. Despite not being the bravest or strongest person (don't we know it), Dipper always, always, stands in front of Mable against monsters and threats to shield and protect her. Obviously, this isn't to say that Mable is less capable than anyway. If it comes down to it, I'm willing to bet that she's the more athletic one, but the fact of the matter is, Dipper is constantly proving how much he cares for his twin.

Now Mable on the other hand? Aside from how she always supports Dipper fully in his investigation of the supernatural (Mystery Twins!), it's hard to think of an example where she dropped her own priorities in order to help Dipper.

Now, in terms of 'being a good person,' I think Mable probably has Dipper beat. She goes out of her way to help others, she has a stronger sense of morals and in the Last Mablecorn, Mable outright stated that she had the purest heart and Dipper just went, 'no arguments there.' I just think, when it comes down to paying attention to each other's needs and such, Dipper is just more aware than Mable, you know? He's the analytical one, the one who's always winning at chess. So he's the one who takes more care to see things from Mable's perspective.

Meanwhile, Mable is playfully ribbing Dipper about an assortment of shortcomings, from lack of manliness to his voice to being slightly shorter to his crush on Wendy to a miscellaneous collection of other small, harmless comments that... frankly add up. It's not much of an issue considering. as you've pointed out, Wendy, Soos and Grunkle Stan do virtually the same but considering how Dipper is towards Mable, it's worse coming from her.

When things get serious, Mable is there for Dipper, but not the same drop-everything way he is for her. When it comes down to it, I think that's what rubs people the wrong way.

This is all open to discussion, of course. Show less

[bonghitsandbroadway]

Honestly, there is no reason to read this.  It’s a long rant that means nothing to anyone but me.  I just had to get it off of my chest.

So this Saturday I’m going on a NYC trip with one of my best friends, my mom, and a shit ton of people from my high school.  Some kids that I don’t know that are still students, some that I went to school with, some parents, and some teachers.  Including my high school drama teacher, Amanda.  

Let me give you a little back story.  I had a really hard time in high school.  I was in an abusive relationship, both with a boy and with myself.  I got randomly thrown into a drama class at the start of my sophomore year and I wanted no part in it.  I was in chorus already and some of those friends were in this class, but the idea of being on a stage in front of people staring at me made 15 year old me want to curl up in a ball and die.  Flash forward a few months and I’m thriving in the class.  The teacher and I are really close and all my other classmates are looking to me for advice on their scenes/characters/homework/etc.  

Over the next three years, Amanda and I got really close.  I didn’t have a lot of good friends because my toxic relationship alienated me from spending time with other people.  Drama rehearsals were a loophole, although sometimes he would just come to them and wait for me to get out.  Amanda would always ask me to help her with things and so any time I wasn’t spending with my ex, I was probably with her making costumes, building sets, planning her classes, etc. Often staying at the school until 8-10pm some nights.

By the middle of my junior year, I had confided in her about almost everything in my life and she did the same.  Other than her husband, I was the first person to know about her miscarriage when it happened. She knew all about my toxic relationship, my self-harm problem, and was the first person I ever came out to.  She was the best friend I had and god damn she cared about me a whole lot, constantly making sure I was eating and not cutting myself.  She made me eat a bag of cheerios in front of her every day for at least 6 months and recite things to myself in a mirror that she knew I needed to hear.  She was the best friend/mom/mentor/big sister/influence I could have ever imagined and truly saved my life.  We were so alike in so many ways and even have similar tattoos by coincidence. I was a mini-Amanda and everyone knew it.

Little did I know at the time, but she was training me all throughout high school to be a stage manager.  I thought that i wanted to be an actor and she fully supported that, but I spent most of my time with her planning shows, writing cues, designing costumes, building sets, keeping lists of things that needed to be done, taking notes, and maintaining the entire show.  

Now flash forward to the middle of sophomore year of college.  I’ve previously been an ASM for one show and performed two others.  I invited her to come see all of these shows, but something came up each time.  Now I’m stage managing a show and I think it’s fantastic.  I enthusiastically invite her, making it clear that this means a lot to me.  She declines again, saying that she and her husband just don’t really have the money right now.  They only lived about a half hour from the school so gas couldn’t really be a problem and the tickets to the show were only $15 a piece.  And so, a 19 year old college student offers to pay for both of their tickets if they’ll just PLEASE show up, and she declines, again.   I sat on that for a while and then eventually sent her a long message about how that made me feel.  I mean, here’s this woman who is literally the reason I’m in theatre and a huge influence on my life telling me that I’m not worth $30 to her.  Or even just the gas to get there (because remember that me, a college student, offered to buy her, a full time teacher, the tickets to the show).  She responded to my message with a word document that was several pages long about how wrong I was and all the things that made my feelings invalid. All I wanted was for her to say she didn’t realize it meant that much to me and that she was sorry.

I haven’t really spoken to her since. She didn’t even come to my dad’s wake. I think I went to one show she did at my high school after that exchange just to prove that I was the better friend, but it didn’t make me feel any better.   We haven’t seen each other in at least 4 years now and I still feel sad about it sometimes.  Mostly because it hurts to put that much into a friendship with someone to suddenly have it end so abruptly and with so much anger.  I don’t think I’m still angry about it.  My feelings are definitely still hurt, but not in a way that I still expect any kind of apology. Just in a way that it makes me sad to think about the strong friendship that we had once.  

The point of starting this whole rant was to say that this Saturday (it’s currently Friday at 2:30am) I’m going on a NYC trip and she’s going to be there.  Just the idea of seeing her and having to make awkward small talk makes me want to throw up.  I don’t generally like making small talk at all, and certainly not with a person that I don’t have any desire to have a relationship with.  Not that I’m trying to hold a grudge forever, but I don’t feel the need to have this friendship in my life.  So yeah, I can sit there and say that I’ve been professionally stage managing since 19 and that now I’m working with one of the top theatre companies in Boston, but who cares? We could take about her kids that I’ll probably never meet but made her keep hope for even when she wanted to give up forever.  I don’t feel any need to try and impress her and she doesn’t have any desire to be caught up on the goings-on of my life. So why would we sit there and have fake conversation?

I’ll always be thankful for what she did for me, but I’ve long been done trying to impress her or make her proud of me.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to react on Saturday. The one thing I do know for sure is that I wear my heart on my sleeve so however I’m feeling is going to show.  My anxiety is through the roof…