#I mean I'm probably cutting down activity in general once school starts

[thetruearchmagos]

Should I let the response to my posts decide what I focus on writing and posting?

[burnin-hot]

Alright, I'm breaking the spirit of the blog by not keeping things in tags, but what I have to say won't fit in the tags :P

Putting this under a cut because it is long.

I want to preface this by saying this---Honestly? Go nuts, show nuts, whatever. Muslims are not a monolith; not every single one you come across will be, like... really adhering to the thing. I know muslims who drink. I know muslims who smoke weed. I know muslims who pet and feed stray dogs; a friend of mine's dad apparently knows a guy who actively kept them as pets. Frankly, it'd be cool to see an atheist or otherwise nonreligious character who was raised muslim, for a change.

Islam, like Christianity, has branches, the two major ones being Sunni and Shi'a. I don't know much about the latter, so I'll be talking about the former.

Within Sunni Islam, there's four major schools of thoughts, called mazhabs. Different places adhere to different mazhabs, so when making a muslim character, you'd probably want to dig around on where follows what, and work accordingly. I'm only familiar with one mazhab--the Shafi'i mazhab--so what I'll say will be in accordance to what's practised by that mazhab.

If you're writing a "proper" but casual muslim, then... just stick to the basics, I guess?

No drinking alcohol or eating pork unless absolutely necessary, i.e. there's nothing else available to eat or not doing so may cause harm. So, if the story you're writing deals with religious discrimination, you can write your character eating pork and drinking booze in order to blend in and not draw attention to themselves.

Watch the aurat. For men (and women among other women), it's from the belly button to the knees. For women, generally it's everywhere except the face and the hands up to the wrist. As shown by the "women among other women" thing, it does change according to circumstance, but I'm not going to list them out one by one. Covering the aurat will become a must after your character reaches baligh, a.k.a maturity, which is marked by them experiencing menarche or a wet dream wherein sperm is released.

There are five mandatory prayers a day. You should probably look up what the prayer times would be for the setting your character's in---but if it's in, like... a fantasy setting, a guideline would be: Subuh around dawn (but before sunrise), Zohor around midday, Asar in the late afternoon, Maghrib in the evening, and Isya' is... like, an hour or so after Maghrib (so... early nighttime?).

Friday Zohor prayers are bit special, and start a bit earlier, because there's a sermon before the actual prayers. For men, it's mandatory, and because it's done en masse, they have to go to the mosque on that day---unless they have a big enough congregation (I think at least 20 people?) to do it where they're at. Women can opt in or out, thus just doing normal Zohor prayers.

God is pretty forgiving when it comes to performing the prayers, so there are accommodations available for certain circumstances. Your character will be travelling long distances, and will find it hard or impossible to stop often enough for the prayers? Jama' and qasar. They can't stand for long periods of time (or at all)? There are guidelines on how to pray sitting or lying down. I think there's also guidelines on how to pray should one be unable to find the qiblat (which may or may not just be "pick a direction; it's the intent that matters"). If they accidentally miss a prayer, they can also "repay" it (qada').

Ramadhan is, as we know, fasting month. A muslim character would wake before Subuh prayers for sahur, which just means eating something before Subuh begins---or maybe they won't. It isn't mandatory. Once Subuh starts, fasting also starts, and it lasts until Maghrib.

Maghrib marks the start of a new Hijriah date. So, if your character were to perform Tarawih prayers (which I'll talk about in a bit), they would do it on the night before the first day of fasting up until the night of the second last day of fasting.

If there were days on Ramadhan that a character couldn't fast, they'd repay those after the fact by fasting on some other day that isn't during Ramadhan or any of the days that you can't fast on. I can't remember what those days are, so just google it; at least the first day of Syawal--the month after Ramadhan, therefore the day of Aidilfitri--is definitely one, though.

As always, there's a bit of wiggle room for certain circumstances. If your character is cooking for fast-breaking, they can taste their cooking a little bit to test if it's good. I don't remember how much exactly is "a little bit", so... dig around on that, I guess.

Important to note that "fasting" isn't just refraining from eating food. Fasting includes abstaining from sexual acts as well (among other things; I think it's safe to say it's abstaining from temptation in general?), so your character wouldn't be able to have sex while they fast.

On the topic of sex, I'm pretty sure there's a specific shower your character(s) would have to do after they have sex (but before doing holy stuff). Where I'm from we call it "mandatory shower", but Wiki says the proper term is ghusl.

People on their period can't pray, fast, or touch any holy stuff (Qur'an, Yaasin booklets, etc.). If your character was on their period and it ended, they also have to perform ghusl.

For more devout muslims, they may do things that are sunat. This means they're not mandatory, but recommended to do. Sunat prayers I can remember off the top of my head: tahajjud prayer, one where you get up in the middle of the night and pray; witir prayer, an after-prayer prayer, to close off the day's prayers; and finally, tarawih prayer, the one that I mentioned earlier. It's a special sunat prayer only done during Ramadhan.

There are also other non-prayer sunat practices. The sahur I mentioned earlier is one of them. Your character might recite the Yaasin on Thursday nights. They might read the Qur'an in general between prayers (especially between Maghrib and Isya', since the down time between them is so short). They may fast on Mondays and Thursdays outside of Ramadhan. The list goes on and on.

You get... good points... for doing these things. Uh. I don't know how to explain the concept of pahala in English, but it's basically that: good points for doing good things.

If your character is someone who has gone on Haji (the mandatory pilgrimage to Mecca), they may be referred to by the title Haji (for men) or Hajjah (for women). I don't know if there's a non-binary equivalent, or if either of those can be used in a non-binary way.

And to take a couple from Rick Riordan's Samirah al-Abbas:

If your setting has gods or godlike entities, it might be worth it to examine how your character would view these entities with regards to their own religious beliefs.

In the end, how your character practises their religion depends on them. They may follow what they learnt to a T. They may deviate or build upon what they were taught. Hell, they may even abandon parts of it completely. It's their choice. For example, Samirah takes her hijab off around Magnus and Co. When asked why, she explains that she considers them like family to her, thus she believes she could do so around them. As far as I'm aware, that isn't really a thing, but it's her way of interpreting the faith and its guidelines. Therefore, in my opinion, no one can or should stop her.

Uh... I think that's all the things that would be relevant in terms of writing a muslim character. If you reached this point, congratulations! And thanks. It took me, like, Five Fucking Hours to write this LMAO

reblog and put in the tags things a writer should keep in mind when writing muslim characters

[mdverse]

what would the vb au love languages be? - space :)

oh i am so glad u asked <3

i searched real hard for this ask i sent mist a while back (almost a year ago! that's wild) that did include some furtana + affection content but it's kind of a short version from before i fleshed things out more. gonna go in more detail here bc i love them and i'll add some thoughts about the other girls potentially

this is probably gonna get kinda long so i'll just put in a cut rn

physical touch

honestly this is how i got started on those furtana drawings lmao i was practicing drawing kisses bc those are hard and then it went from one finntana forehead kiss to hugs for the whole trio. anyway finn is super affectionate - hugs, kisses, awkwardly patting people's shoulders/back, unnecessarily complicated handshakes, he does it all. ofc he's mindful of people's boundaries, and he does struggle a bit with the fact that santana and kurt are less affectionate than he is, but he's just. a big fan of physical affection. and santana has grown up with him so he's one of the few select people she allows lots of affection from. i reckon there was a time in like,,, middle school? where santana kinda started dodging hugs and stuff (mainly bc she realised people read it as romantic and that was just super confusing for her), and finn immediately jumped to the conclusion that she hated him, and then carole had to sit down with him and explain that ofc santana didn't hate him, she literally spent most of her free time with him, etc etc. but in general santana does think that finn gives the best hugs ever and she will almost never pass on a hug from him

the other super affectionate person is britt :) between the britt celebrating drawings and this dumb butt slap thing and britt laying on santana here, and the aforementioned kisses drawings, she really doesn't shy away from touching people. she is also super mindful of people's boundaries, that's a given, but she just touches people a lot when she's in a good mood. which is pretty often. i reckon sugar is very similar in that aspect, so generally being around britt and sug means a lot of hugs and grabbing each other's arms and butt slaps and stuff. they're very enthusiastic lol

words of affirmation

santana is really good at reading people. when the people she really cares about are feeling down, she can get a relatively good idea of why they're upset and sure, she doesn't do pep talks but she motivates them in her own blunt way. usually in private, so that she can deny it ever happened. i'm thinking of santana's lil talk with rachel in... opening night, i think? it's a lot more likely to happen with people like furt and the squad, but she learns to do it for any of her teammates, even if she's not close to them. on a similar note, finn and kurt know her well enough to notice when her insecurities are taking over, and they're there to talk her through it whenever she needs them.

i think this would also be a strong one for tina? i will admit rn that i haven't fleshed out her character as much yet but just in general she's a sweetheart and she doesn't hesitate to compliment people and hype them up. could that sometimes come off as fake? maybe, but it's almost always genuine and people realise that once they get to know her better :)

quality time

this is a big one for,,, pretty much all of them, really. especially for furtana. they grew up together, which means that they spent a lot of time together, and it evolved into them enjoying a variety of lil activities they could do as a group or in pairs like cooking/baking, tv/video games, etc. i've put a lot of thought into that but that's for a separate post. i think it's also santana's main platonic love language, especially for the boys, bc she isn't always comfy with physical affection and outright complimenting them? she just loves to spend time with them, yknow? ofc it gets hard with the traveling and the distance when one of them lives further away, but they do whatever they can to make things work. holidays/bdays together become that much more meaningful

it also fits the squad as a whole. stuff like game nights, karaoke bar, getting lunch/dinner together, etc. in theory it's stuff the whole team should be doing as bonding activities, but i don't have the brain power to think of such a large group rn and the squad hangs out a lot in general. considering the girls all have the same schedule it's pretty easy for them.

acts of service

this is probably the most common one in the kurtana household,,, i think that both of them having exhausting schedules (in different ways ofc) means they end up doing their best to make each other's lives easier? like santana tends to cook more often bc she has more free time during the day, kurt is used to finding santana asleep on the couch in the middle of the night and throws a blanket on her, whoever is up first makes a large batch of coffee for them to share. they don't really talk about it but the little things mean a lot to them, especially since it they were both so reluctant to befriend each other in the first place.

it's also one quinn really appreciates! i don't wanna talk about it in detail but the girl is super exhausted 24/7 so the squad helping her out means more than she can really express

gift giving

this is very much a kurt thing. also kind of a kurtana thing bc santana does her best to remember what kurt expresses interest in so that she can get it as a bday/holiday present, but yeah kurt loves gifts. i think what i wrote in the ask to mist about kurt kinda sums things up nicely so idk if there really is anything to add there other than that i think finntana compete to give each other/kurt the best christmas present each year and they act like they have evil little schemes when it's literally just,,, 'u said u liked that thing months ago and you've probably forgotten by now but i haven't and im getting it for u. ohoho ur gonna be so shocked' gosh they're clowns and i love them

[elishamanning]

Kramer: "Well, with us... we ask ourselves, how can something like (the Leverkusen game) happen, and we notice our surroundings asking that, we on the inside ask ourselves that, sometimes we come to a weird conclusion, what, do we have two faces? But we only think that because we only look at ourselves. But what do the Dortmunders think, winning 5-1 against Frankfurt, thus German champions obviously, then they lose 2-1 in Freiburg and everybody's thinking, well, they're not that good, are they. Will Bayern show their Supercup face, or their face-against-us, or against 1. FC Köln? The Leipzigers, do they show their Mainz-face or that outstanding show they put on against Stuttgart? These "problems of consistency" when you're a Gladbach fan, or a Gladbach player, you think 'these are Gladbach-only problems', but the others have them as well. It's always a matter of how you handle it and that you don't let it... well, tear you down emotionally. The important thing is to avoid a negative spiral, mentally, because, as everybody who's ever played football will know, in the end the decisive issue is always in your head (((aaaah, that's a bad translation. It's a mental issue, is what he says.))), and it always will be." Knippi: "Completely agree. And by the way, that's not limited to football." Kramer: "Well, exactly. It's not even worth discussing, when you enjoy doing something, when you're positive about it - it's not exactly a brand-new psychological finding - it'll always turn out better than when you're negative about it. So let's not, after the second matchday, tear everything down, and let's not, after the first matchday, praise everything to the heavens." Knippi: "Did you expect that? Becoming professional footballers, all that stuff that comes with it, besides playing football, all that stuff raining down on you?" Neuhaus: "Well, it just happens, it just all happens automatically. In the end, you become a footballer because you have fun playing football, and you don't much think about that kind of stuff that comes with it. You grow into it and you learn to handle it." Knippi: "So you're not actively getting prepared for that? Because in the last podcast you (Chris) said 'that's the guys from the NLZ' So it's not part of your training there?" Neuhaus: "No, it wasn't a subject in mine." Kramer: "Well to be completely honest, looking back, I thought football would be funnier, or at least less serious, and a bit more honest. That's also why I like this club so much, because I know that here at least you get an honest basis, like, I feel understood here, I have a certain relationship of trust to, for example, Max Eberl, but I wouldn't have imagined, without spilling any beans now, that football's such a not-really-nice business. So this is one of the best things here, for me, knowing that I have an honest and trustful basis that can be built on. And I really wouldn't have ever imagined it all to be so grossly serious. Sometimes I think inappropriately serious, because football is such a beautiful thing and when you get to do it as a profession, plaiyng football, there's nothing easier than joyfully going somewhere every day. These are the best conditions to have, the working hours, just turning your hobby into a profession - everything about football is 'geil', but still you get this completely inappropriate seriousness about it making you go, aw, it's tough. That's a shame I think, I wouldn't have thought so when I started out. I always wanted to be a footballer because, well, for one it's my passion, but also I thought every day would just be fun, and I think it should be, and that in the end that would be performance-enhancing, I'm quite sure about that. (laughing, saying that)." Knippi: "What do you think?" Neuhaus: "Always hard to disagree. The gist is we're all playing football because it's great fun being on the pitch. Of course there are always periods when it's a little harder but all in all and especially looking back you always regard things much more positive

than maybe you felt in that particular moment. (I don't really understand what he's saying there), but anyway the positives should always be front centre." Knippi: "What you just said, Chris, the seriousness, I also think it's too much sometimes. For example if a team's not playing well and the people on the pitch get personally attacked/insulted. I get to witness that when I'm down there, and sometimes I think 'what is wrong with you?', like, I get being unhappy when the team that has your heart isn't doing well, being unhappy, or sad, or disappointed, I get that, but not attacking the players personally. Well thank God that isn't an issue currently, and there's no reason why it should be." Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny." Knippi: "Like how?" Kramer: "Well, because we lost 6-1 playing in the snow. I'd say I'm a good player on snow, but, well, Ronny König is the best snow-player on this planet. He (literally he says 'he put four cherries into our basket', meaning he scored four goals... as you probably would have guessed.) So then our own fans, who'd travelled to Aue on a Monday night, threw snow balls at us, and we completely deserved it. And I do think every fan is right, and has the right, to use this outlet, that they're paying money for, to let off steam. Because football, in the end, is entertainment. Only, it doesn't help. What I meant with the seriousness is the whole stuff around it as well. Football is just a game. It's supposed to be fun, but sometimes I think, looking at the newspapers, all the sociopolitical issues, and seriousness... it's still football." Knippi: "Did I just understand you correctly, you're saying it's a fan's right to pelt you with snowballs?" Kramer: "Well... it gets its down dynamic, and it's not too bad. If someone insults me, say, I don't really have a problem with that. I don't take it personally because I don't think it's meant that way. It may not be the right approach and I may not understand their motive, but... that person is angry, they've had a bad week at work, then they come here, and we play badly ("nur hintenrum" - too defensively) so they have a right to...-as a fan, of course, you have to question whether that's doing any good. We've not really had that here in Gladbach and when there were beginnings of it, we had talks with the ultras, and stuff, we're quite close to the fans, so we don't really have that issue here, but you do see it with other clubs, and close friends of mine, they have had situations where I'd really say, now this is too much (I wonder if he's talking of Leon/the end at Schalke here), and that's just not on, but generally, we are an outlet for many and football is entertainment. When you're not being entertained you're entitled to boo. I don't mind. There's just this double standard - look at me, talking again for ten minutes straight (Knippi and Flo laugh), and you have to cut it all afterwards- once again I take ten minutes to get to the point, but you can't - you want to play with a young squad, and they'll make mistakes. You can't boo them. Or you can't say you want to play with a young squad. Very simply put." Knippi: "Tommy Schmitt, your successor at 11Freunde put it quite well there, I thought. It's very counterproductive to boo and whistle." Kramer: "Yes, well, you have to ask yourself, no matter what you do - I mean when you get to the office and everybody's scowling at you, thinking 'what an idiot!', you'll feel that as a person with empathy, like every footballer, and when you're booed, that does something to you... I can promise everybody: booing a player will never make them better, not ever." Knippi: "'Snow-player' you just said. You're not a good 'snow-player'." Kramer: "I'm a GREAT snow-player!" Neuhaus: "They lost 6-1, I don't think he's that great. They wouldn't have lost 6-1, would they?" Kramer: "Well Leon, Leon Goretzka

and I, we still talk a lot about that day. I'd say, Leon and I, we both have these long levers, we really are good snow-players, on a proper layer of snow, like there in Aue. But Ronny König! He's Messi on snow. Awesome, really." Knippi: "Wouldn't it be better to have short legs and a low centre of gravity?" Kramer: "I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, looking at Leon, and myself, AND Ronny König you can conclude the tall ones with the long legs are good on snow." (very scientific, this.) Knippi: "What kind of a snow-player are you?" Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!" Neuhaus: "At 1860 we had astroturf with undersoil heating." Knippi: "Did you ever play on clay?" Neuhaus: "...and anywhere in the stadiums today. There just aren't snow games like that anymore these days." Kramer: "He's from Bavaria, they don't have clay. They just have meadows and pastures, they play on the most beautiful pitches. Here in NRW when you're playing Galatasaray Mühlheim you know what's going down? You know what's going down, playing on clay?" Neuhaus: "I can just imagine." Kramer: "You take two weeks before you can go back to school because your legs - you simply can't walk anymore..." Knippi: "You've never played on clay?" Neuhaus: "No, never." Knippi: "You don't know that feeling when your grazed-open thigh is stuck to your jeans?" Neuhaus: "Yes, well, as a little child I played on the street..." (It goes on a bit yet, but I've already fallen asleep twice and I'm not sure these "translations" are making much sense anyway, so I'll leave it at this, now, alright? Flo played on asphalt, so he knows about open wounds from football. And Knippi claims he's still got remnants of clay in his thigh from decades ago. Hehe. I'll do the rest another time.)

first of all THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH

it's always interesting to hear about a player's mindset

it's really interesting to see how an athlete's relationship with their changes over time. like to have something that was for fun and a hobby turn into your job is a pretty incredible transition. it's something a lot of people experience to an extent, but to have it on this high a level is pretty unique.

Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny."

chrikra???? please??? what is this... snowballs???

i also agree that while fans are allowed to show their discontent, it does often cross a line. idk if he was referring to something like leon's ending with schalke, but that instance of schalke fans chasing and attacking the players is something that definitely comes to mind here. i think i actually draw a shorter line than chrikra here.

Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!"

omg flo please

i do love the idea of chrikra and leon reminiscing about their old games together... my heart

anyway i love this podcast and i hope they do more of it

and thank you again SO MUCH

[pink-peony-princess]

Thank you for loving me/S.M

"Baby, time to get up hon, you've got work in an hour," Shawn whispered in my ear, peppering kisses from my brow down to my chin. His calloused fingers- from his favourite hobby- the guitar- running up and down my arms.

"Mmm, morning," I smiled leaning up to meet his soft kiss.

"Is that coffee I smell?" I asked, sitting up slowly, pulling my (Shawn's) favourite over-sized sweater off the arm chair at the side of the bed and standing up only to be pulled into my favourite spot in the world, Shawn's warm embrace.

"Do you really think I'd be so silly as to wake you without the coffee pot at the ready?" he laughed, kissing my temple again, before taking my hand and leading me down the hallway and into the kitchen.

Both Shawn and I worked for the City of Toronto Fire Department, me as a recently qualified paramedic, and Shawn as a firefighter and paramedic. It had been a tough few months for me, the job was demanding and taxing, but I loved it, and I had Shawn and all my work mates to help guide me.

"Sit," he pointed to the barstool where a cup of coffee in my favourite mug and omelette was waiting.

"Ahhh I love you!" I groaned, flopping down in the chair, shovelling a piece of the fragrant food into my mouth.

"I take it it meets your expectations," he laughed, coming to sit next to me.

"Exceeds!" I mumbled around the next mouthful.

Am hour later and Shawn had dropped me at my station, before headed off across town again to his station.

As I made my way into the station the familiar sounds of saws, engines and various other equipment- once so threatening now seemed to welcome me home.

"Hey El." my work partner and paramedic in charge Jo called, coming to meet me at the locker room door.

"Morning, how are Eli and Felix today?" I asked referring to her two little boys.

"They're okay. Eli had a meltdown before school this morning at having to get out of bed, but once I reminded him that Mummy can't go to work and save people if he doesn't get up and go to school all was well. I swear if the kid doesn't become a firefighter or a paramedic himself one day I'll walk to the moon!" she laughed.

"Aw, he's so sweet, it's so cute how you're his idol, speaking of don't we have that school group coming today?"

"We were supposed to, but due to budget cuts'" she rolled her eyes "the department is no longer able to fund it, apparently it's too expensive and labour intensive to have people out of action."

I sighed," How are we supposed to encourage the next generation of they can't see it for themselves. I mean I became a paramedic because my school had a field trip to a firehouse."

"You're preaching to the choir here girl, you're preaching to the choir." she laughed, turning and walking out. I went about putting my stuff away before heading to the kitchen/common room where we all spent our time inbetween calls.

The day turned out to be a slow one and by eleven o'clock I was doing laundry- (only having been called out once) when Mo one of the longest serving fire fighters and overall cool dude appeared by the door.

"You've got a visitor El, there's someone waiting for you it on the apparatus floor."

"Thanks Mo, " I smiled, putting the clothes I had been folding down and heading out the door.

When I got to the apparatus floor, I was slightly shocked. There was Shawn, leaning casually against a Pilar waiting for me a brown bag in one hand- a bunch of sunflowers (my favourite) in the other.

"Shawn... What are you doing here?" I asked, still stunned.

He beamed running and picking me up.

"I had to come speak to chief Hachette about an arson case so I thought I'd surprise my girl. Do you have time for lunch?" he asked just as Jo walked out, stopping in her tracks. She looked so surprised I thought she was going to faint for a minute.

"And who's this?" she asked with a smile, coming over to stand in front of us where Shawn was still holding me.

"Jo meet Shawn." As soon as I said it I knew it was a mistake. A mischievous grin came over her face and I suddenly felt sick at all the intimate details I'd shared with her about our relationship on long nightshifts-mostly under duress, but still.

"Right so we're going to have lunch before we get another call," I spoke quickly, tugging at Shawn's arm to get him to walk before Jo had an opportunity to embarrass me.

"She seems nice," Shawn commented as we found a quiet spot to sit in the grass behind the firehouse.

"She is," I agreed as he handed me a turkey and Brie sandwich from my favourite deli downtown.

Half an hour later and lunch was done all too soon, duty unfortunately calling for Shawn leaving me alone to face the scrutiny of Jo.

"Girrlll, OMG, he's fiinnnee El. I hope you've locked him down cause I want me some of that," she spoke a million miles a minute running to catch up with me a la I made my way back into the common room and through to the laundry to finish folding the clothes from earlier.

"Well, speaking of," I dug around in my breast pocket, pulling out the engagement ring Shawn had proposed with over the weekend on a mini getaway to the Hamptons.

The scream that left Jo's mouth was louder than expected and sent the whole house into a frenzy. Mo and several of the other firefighters including Tiny and Bug to come running.

When they realised there was no actual issue they turned around grumbling about how we'd pulled then away from the basketball game theyd been placing bets on.

"So when, how, where all the details," she demanded grabbing my arm and jumping up and down. Just the thought of the romantic evening Shawn and I had spent made me giddy again.

However before I got a chance to response the bell went off overhead signalling an incoming call

"Main to 41... Possible GSW, 56th and Main."

I sighed.

It was probably some gang related drug issue again there were plenty of lovely people , but that side of town had a reputation.

"41 responding," I spoke into the radio on my shoulder l before running to the trick, jumping in and flicking the switch to the lights and sirens.

When we got to the scene all was well at first, the cops were already there assuring us it was safe to enter, however just as we were about to leave having treated a minor self inflicted wound a man brandishing a gun leapt from a concealed closet.

"Give me all the drugs you have b*TCH." He yelled before either Jo or I could take in what was happening.

"You know we can't do that sir," Jo spoke calmly. Moving to try to assess the man, who's head was bleeding heavily.

"I said give me the f*cking drugs b*TCH ."

He yelled again, storming towards me. The next few seconds were a blur, I heard a shots, there was immense pain in my abdomen and leg and then I crumpled to the floor, whacking my head in the process.

"El, El. Omg, stay with me." Jo panicked.

"41 to main we have an officer down, urgent assistance required for a GSW, EMS required now!" she shouted down her radio.

"Hurts," I gasped as the initial shock wore off and the pain hit, everything seemed to ache, my leg, my ribs, my head. The room was spinning and I was having trouble breathing no longer able to keep track of the flurry of activity.

Somewhere in the chaos,I'm not sure how long after the incident I heard his voice, Shawn's voice and at first I thought I was dreaming, but I managed to open my eyes and there he was, looking down at with with so much fear.

"It's alright baby, I'm here now, we're going to fix it up, you'll be just fine. Can you tell me where it hurts?" he asked.

I went to move, instinctively seeking his comfort, but he stopped me, and I instantly wanted to cry, more than I already was.

"You have to stay still Princess."

I let out a loud groan as he placed an oxygen mask over my face.

"El? Can you hear me?" I grunted, the effort of actually forming words seeming too hard right then. I could feel hands all over me, and as much as I just wanted to be left alone, I also knew , they were trying to help me.

"It hurts," I cried again.

"I know it does honey, but you're going to be okay. I'm here, and so is Connor and Jo, and we'll look after you, and then when we've got you all comfy we'll take you to get all fixed up, how does that sound?"

"Okay, lets get her onto the bed, and then we can assess her from there," Connor suggested, appearing by my side, with a back board and neck collar that Jo had brought over.

"Okay, we're going to roll you onto the board El just let us do all the work okay?" Shawn said.

I let out a serious of screams as they rolled me, gripping Shawn's gloved hand like my life depended on it.

"We'll get you sorted yeah?" Shawn tried to reassure me as they strapped me onto the bed so I was safe, and then starting to push the gurney out the door and towards the entrance of the ambulance which was no more than ten metres away.

"Shawn ," I whispered, tears falling down my face, mixing with the blood which I could feel was congelling on my face.

When we were in the ambulance Shawn and Jo attached me to the hundreds of leads which I was so used to attaching to others while I lay there helplessly.

"I've started some morphine," Jo patted my arm gently as Shawn pulled a blanket over my body as I drifted off into fairy land.

Ten minutes later and we were pulling into the emergency bay.

The automatic doors opened, where we were met with a hoard of staff, ready to assist, the first person being Brian, Shawn and my mutual friend and colleague.

The look of horror on his face when he saw that it was me on the gurney was unsettling.

"She's a priority one, bed four, resus," he directed Shawn, following behind. " What do we know?" He asked, starting to attach monitors and leads to me all over again.

"GSW on scene, while responding to an incident on the other side of town. Wound to leg and abdo, possible broken ribs and concussion." Shawn reeled off.

I wasn't aware that they'd even assessed me, clearly I'd lost consciousness at some point and I wasn't even aware of it.

I lay there mulling over this lapse in memory, letting the chaos wash over me like a wave.

The last thing I was aware of was Brian shouting orders at the floods of nurses, and Shawn standing helplessly in the corner, red-faced from crying, before everything went black.

"Ah, can you turn the lights off!" I groaned as I came to again, reaching to rip off whatever annoying piece of wiring was sitting over my face "My head hurts," I added as a dull.ache consumed my thoughts as Shawn's worried face came into view, his frame helping to block out the blinding light as he bent over the bed.

"Oh thank God I was so worried," he cried kissing me with so much force I forgot to breathe, making the monitor go crazy for a second. "How are you feeling he asked, stopping me from pulling at the thing on my face which turned out to be oxygen tubing

"What happened?" I asked,. I remembered the main.events but the rest was fuzzy, whether from my injuries or from the drugs I had no doubt been plied with I wasn't sure

"You were shot while on-call, drug exchange gone bad, you scared me so bad baby," he whispered, brushing hair out if my face as Brian made his way into the room clearing his throat to announce himself.

"Hi El, it's good to see you awake, how are you feeling?" He asked coming to check a few things on the monitors before flipping my chart that sat at the end of the bed open.

"So as you know you had two gun shot wounds, one to your left let and one to the abdomen, luckily for you they were both clean shots and we didn't need to do anything other than clean and irrigate the areas and stitch you up. You did however manage to fracture three ribs when you fell as well as sustaining a sizable concussion.

"So what does that mean work wise?" I asked. Shawn must have sensed my nerves, because he was sure to keep a hand intertwined with my, the other tracing soft patterns up and down my arm.

"We'll unfortunately, during the fall you fractured your tibia, which has left you in a cast, and pretty well imibilised, I'm sorry to say you'll be relying on this big guy-" he slapped Shawn in the back, "for the next week at least while everything settles.

You'll be in a cast for at least six weeks and off work from a minimum of two weeks with rehab worked in. Rest up El, give me a yell if ya need anything," he spoke to Shawn as he left the room.

"I'll lose my job," I cried, the thought of not being able to do what I loved terrified me.

"No you won't Brian said you'll be sore for a bit and need to rest, not that you'd lose your job, besides now you'll have a real reason to boss me around, I'll be your slave". He laughed covering .me with a blanket and lifting my bung leg to rest it in a pillow.

Besides when you're well enough there are some people who'd like to see you.

"Get some rest and we'll work it all out when you wake up.

True to his word, he helped me with everything, toileting, showering (which proved to be a challenge with the cast), dressing, getting up and down stairs, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, and forcing me to take pain medication when I was too stubborn to admit I needed it.

By the end of the first week though, I was miseeable,.not used to doing nothing but sitting in my behind.

"You my dear, need to get a coat on we're going out!" he announced, coming over with said coat and helping me to stuff my arms in.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"SSH, it's a secret," he grinned, before carrying me to the car and making sure I was all buckled up.

Half an hour later and we were pulling up to the firehouse, where a few of the guys were sat outside playing cards as we made our way (me hobbling haphazardly on crutches) into the firehouse

"Hero in the house!" Mo called out and they all came running.

"I'm so glad you're okay. You scared me girl." Jo sniffled coming to hug me.

"Ouch still a little sore." I laughed leaning into Shawn for support as she blubbered all over me.

"Well sore is better than the alternative.

If it weren't for this one," she pointed to Shawn "you'd be dead."

"You've got yourself a keeper,"Mo added with a smile.

"Well if Mo approves it must be true." I agreed. "I think I'll keep you." I added, causing everyone to laugh.

"Thank you," I whispered to Shawn when the others were out of ear shot.

"For what?" he asked.

"Just for being you and for loving me," I shrugged, snuggling futher into his embrace, feeling greatful just to be alive, let alone call this wonderful human mine.

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

Thank you for Loving Me

"Baby, time to get up hon, you've got work in an hour", Shawn whispered in my ear, peppering kisses from my brow down to my chin. His calloused fingers- from his favourite hobby- the guitar- running up and down my arms.

"Mmm, morning," I smiled leaning up to meet his soft kiss.

"Is that coffee I smell?"I asked, sitting up slowly, pulling my (Shawn's) favourite over-sized sweater off the arm chair at the side of the bed and standing up only to be pulled into my favourite spot in the world, Shawn's warm embrace.

"Do you really think I'd be so silly as to wake you without the coffee pot at the ready?" he laughed, kissing my temple again, before taking my hand and leading me down the hallway and into the kitchen.

Both Shawn and I worked for the City of Toronto Fire Department, me as a recently qualified paramedic, and Shawn as a firefighter and paramedic. It had been a tough few months for me, the job was demanding and taxing, but I loved it, and I had Shawn and all my work mates to help guide me.

"Sit," he pointed to the barstool where a cup of coffee in my favourite mug and omelette was waiting.

"Ahhh I love you!" I groaned, flopping down in the chair, shovelling a piece of the fragrant food into my mouth.

"I take it it meets your expectations," he laughed, coming to sit next to me.

"Exceeds!" I mumbled around the next mouthful.

Am hour later and Shawn had dropped me at my station, before headed off across town again to his station.

As I made my way into the station the familiar sounds of saws, engines and various other equipment- once so threatening now seemed to welcome me home.

"Hey El.", my work partner and paramedic in charge Jo called, coming to meet me at the locker room door.

"Morning, how are Eli and Felix today?" I asked referring to her two little boys.

"They're okay. Eli had a meltdown before school this morning at having to get out of bed, but once I reminded him that Mummy can't go to work and save people if he doesn't get up and go to school all was well. I swear if the kid doesn't become a firefighter or a paramedic himself one day I'll walk to the moon!" she laughed.

"Aw, he's so sweet, it's so cute how you're his idol, speaking of don't we have that school group coming today?"

"We were supposed to, but due to budget cuts'" she rolled her eyes "the department is no longer able to fund it, apparently it's too expensive and labour intensive to have people out of action."

I sighed, "How are we supposed to encourage the next generation of they can't see it for themselves. I mean I became a paramedic because my school had a field trip to a firehouse."

"You're preaching to the choir here girl, you're preaching to the choir." she laughed, turning and walking out. I went about putting my stuff away before heading to the kitchen/common room where we all spent our time inbetween calls.

The day turned out to be a slow one and by eleven o'clock I was doing laundry- (only having been called out once) when Mo one of the longest serving fire fighters and overall cool dude appeared by the door.

"You've got a visitor El l, there's someone waiting for you it on the apparatus floor."

"Thanks Mo, " I smiled, putting the clothes I had been folding down and heading out the door.

When I got to the apparatus floor, I was slightly shocked. There was Shawn, leaning casually against a Pilar waiting for me a brown bag in one hand- a bunch of sunflowers (my favourite) in the other.

"Shawn... What are you doing here?"I asked, still stunned.

He beamed running and picking me up.

"I had to come speak to chief Hachette about an arson case so I thought I'd surprise my girl.Do you have time for lunch?" he asked just as Jo walked out, stopping in her tracks. She looked so surprised I thought she was going to faint for a minute.

"And who's this?" she asked with a smile, coming over to stand in front of us where Shawn was still holding me.

"Jo meet Shawn." As soon as I said it I knew it was a mistake. A mischievous grin came over her face and I suddenly felt sick at all the intimate details I'd shared with her about our relationship on long nightshifts-mostly under duress, but still.

"Right so we're going to have lunch before we get another call," I spoke quickly, tugging at Shawn's arm to get him to walk before Jo had an opportunity to embarrass me.

"She seems nice," Shawn commented as we found a quiet spot to sit in the grass behind the firehouse.

"She is." I agreed as he handed me a turkey and Brie sandwich from my favourite deli downtown.

Half an hour later and lunch was done all too soon, duty unfortunately calling for Shawn leaving me alone to face the scrutiny of Jo.

"Girrlll, OMG, he's fiinnnee El. I hope youve locked him down cause I want me some of that." she spoke a million miles a minute running to catch up with me a la I made my way back into the common room and through to the laundry to finish folding the clothes from earlier.

"Well, speaking of... " I dug around in my breast pocket, pulling out the engagement ring Shawn had proposed with over the weekend on a mini getaway to the Hamptons.

The scream that left Jo's mouth was louder than expected and sent the whole house into a frenzy. Mo and several of the other firefighters including Tiny and Bug to come running.

When they realised there was no actual issue they turned around grumbling about how we'd pulled then away from the basketball game theyd been placing bets on.

"So when, how, where all the details," she demanded grabbing my arm and jumping up and down. Just the thought of the romantic evening Shawn and I had spent made me giddy again.

However before I got a chance to response the bell went off overhead signalling an incoming call

"Main to 41... Possible GSW, 56th and Main."

I sighed.

It was probably some gang related drug issue again.there were plenty of lovely people , but that side of town had a reputation.

"41 responding," I spoke into the radio, before flicking the switch to the lights and sirens.

When we got to the scene all was well at first, the cops were already there assuring us it was safe to enter, however just as we were about to leave having treated a minor self inflicted wound a man brandishing a gun leapt from a concealed closet.

"Give me all the drugs you have b*TCH." He yelled before either Jo or I could take in what was happening.

"You know we can't do that sir," Jo spoke calmly. Moving to try to assess the man, who's head was bleeding heavily.

"I said give me the f*cking drugs b*TCH ."

He yelled again, storming towards me. The next few seconds were a blur, I heard a shots, there was immense pain in my abdomen and leg and then I crumpled to the floor, whacking my head in the process.

"El, El. Omg, stay with me." Jo panicked.

"41 to main we have an officer down, urgent assistance required for a GSW, EMS required now!" she shouted down her radio.

"Hurts," I gasped as the initial shock wore off and the pain hit, everything seemed to ache, my leg, my ribs, my head. The room was spinning and I was having trouble breathing no longer able to keep track of the flurry of activity.

Somewhere in the chaos,I'm not sure how long after the incident I heard his voice, Shawn's voice and at first I thought I was dreaming, but I managed to open my eyes and there he was, looking down at with with so much fear.

"It's alright baby, I'm here now, we're going to fix it up, you'll be just fine. Can you tell me where it hurts?" he asked.

I went to move, instinctively seeking his comfort, but he stopped me, and I instantly wanted to cry, more than I already was.

"You have to stay still Princess."

I let out a loud groan as he placed an oxygen mask over my face.

"El? Can you hear me?" I grunted, the effort of actually forming words seeming too hard right then. I could feel hands all over me, and as much as I just wanted to be left alone, I also knew , they were trying to help me.

"It hurts," I cried again.

"I know it does honey, but you're going to be okay. I'm here, and so is Connor and Jo, and we'll look after you, and then when we've got you all comfy we'll take you to get all fixed up, how does that sound?"

"Okay, lets get her onto the bed, and then we can assess her from there," Connor suggested, appearing by my side, with a back board and neck collar that Jo had brought over.

"Okay, we're going to roll you onto the board El just let us do all the work okay?" Shawn said.

I let out a serious of screams as they rolled me, gripping Shawn's gloved hand like my life depended on it.

"We'll get you sorted yeah?" Shawn tried to reassure me as they strapped me onto the bed so I was safe, and then starting to push the gurney out the door and towards the entrance of the ambulance which was no more than ten metres away.

"Shawn ," I whispered, tears falling down my face, mixing with the blood which I could feel was congelling on my face.

When we were in the ambulance Shawn and Jo attached me to the hundreds of leads which I was so used to attaching to others while I lay there helplessly.

"I've started some morphine," Jo patted my arm gently as Shawn pulled a blanket over my body as I drifted off into fairy land.

Ten minutes later and we were pulling into the emergency bay.

The automatic doors opened, where we were met with a hoard of staff, ready to assist, the first person being Brian, Shawn and my mutual friend and colleague.

The look of horror on his face when he saw that it was me on the gurney was unsettling.

"She's a priority one, bed four, resus," he directed Shawn, following behind. " What do we know?" He asked, starting to attach monitors and leads to me all over again.

"GSW on scene, while responding to an incident on the other side of town. Wound to leg and abdo, possible broken ribs and concussion." Shawn reeled off.

I wasn't aware that they'd even assessed me, clearly I'd lost consciousness at some point and I wasn't even aware of it.

I lay there mulling over this lapse in memory, letting the chaos wash over me like a wave.

The last thing I was aware of was Brian shouting orders at the floods of nurses, and Shawn standing helplessly in the corner, red-faced from crying, before everything went black.

"Ah, can you turn the lights off!" I groaned as I came to again, reaching to rip off whatever annoying piece of wiring was sitting over my face "My head hurts," I added as a dull.ache consumed my thoughts as Shawn's worried face came into view, his frame helping to block out the blinding light as he bent over the bed.

"Oh thank God I was so worried," he cried kissing me with so much force I forgot to breathe, making the monitor go crazy for a second. "How are you feeling he asked, stopping me from pulling at the thing on my face which turned out to be oxygen tubing

"What happened?" I asked,. I remembered the main.events but the rest was fuzzy, whether from my injuries or from the drugs I had no doubt been plied with I wasn't sure

"You were shot while on-call, drug exchange gone bad, you scared me so bad baby," he whispered, brushing hair out if my face as Brian made his way into the room clearing his throat to announce himself.

"Hi El, it's good to see you awake, how are you feeling?" He asked coming to check a few things on the monitors before flipping my chart that sat at the end of the bed open.

"So as you know you had two gun shot wounds, one to your left let and one to the abdomen, luckily for you they were both clean shots and we didn't need to do anything other than clean and irrigate the areas and stitch you up. You did however manage to fracture three ribs when you fell as well as sustaining a sizable concussion.

"So what does that mean work wise?" I asked. Shawn must have sensed my nerves, because he was sure to keep a hand intertwined with my, the other tracing soft patterns up and down my arm.

"We'll unfortunately, during the fall you fractured your tibia, which has left you in a cast, and pretty well imibilised, I'm sorry to say you'll be relying on this big guy-" he slapped Shawn in the back, "for the next week at least while everything settles.

You'll be in a cast for at least six weeks and off work from a minimum of two weeks with rehab worked in. Rest up El, give me a yell if ya need anything," he spoke to Shawn as he left the room.

"I'll lose my job," I cried, the thought of not being able to do what I loved terrified me.

"No you won't Brian said you'll be sore for a bit and need to rest, not that you'd lose your job, besides now you'll have a real reason to boss me around, I'll be your slave". He laughed covering .me with a blanket and lifting my bung leg to rest it in a pillow.

Besides when you're well enough there are some people who'd like to see you.

"Get some rest and we'll work it all out when you wake up.

True to his word, he helped me with everything, toileting, showering (which proved to be a challenge with the cast), dressing, getting up and down stairs, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, and forcing me to take pain medication when I was too stubborn to admit I needed it.

By the end of the first week though, I was miseeable,.not used to doing nothing but sitting in my behind.

"You my dear, need to get a coat on we're going out!" he announced, coming over with said coat and helping me to stuff my arms in.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"SSH, it's a secret," he grinned, before carrying me to the car and making sure I was all buckled up.

Half an hour later and we were pulling up to the firehouse, where a few of the guys were sat outside playing cards as we made our way (me hobbling haphazardly on crutches) into the firehouse

"Hero in the house!" Mo called out and they all came running.

"I'm so glad you're okay. You scared me girl." Jo sniffled coming to hug me.

"Ouch still a little sore." I laughed leaning into Shawn for support as she blubbered all over me.

"Well sore is better than the alternative.

If it weren't for this one," she pointed to Shawn "you'd be dead."

"You've got yourself a keeper,"Mo added with a smile.

"Well if Mo approves it must be true." I agreed. "I think I'll keep you." I added, causing everyone to laugh.

"Thank you," I whispered to Shawn when the others were out of ear shot.

"For what?" he asked.

"Just for being you and for loving me," I shrugged, snuggling futher into his embrace, feeling greatful just to be alive, let alone call this wonderful human mine.

[partialbirthabortion]

Hi, I think I remember you saying that you work at Planned Parenthood (sorry if I have this wrong). I was just wondering, I'm about 4 weeks pregnant and I want to terminate, my preferred method would be the abortion pill. The side effects are a little terrifying and the GP I spoke to said the surgery can be better as its a quick procedure but I would need to wait. I'm just wondering if you had any advice? I feel like surgery makes it all a bit too real and I want to do something to end it asap.

Hey, thank you for reaching out! I do work at an abortion clinic. I will do the best I can to be thorough within the bounds of what I think is okay for me to describe on my public internet blog outside of work, and without overwhelming you during a time I am sure is already very overwhelming; if you want to send follow-up questions, please feel free! If you want to message me privately, please feel free!

First off: you are going to be totally, completely fine. Abortion is very, very safe. Abortion is significantly more safe than childbirth. It is totally normal and fine to be nervous, but whichever method you choose, you are going safe and fine. Discomfort, cramping, pain, are real and matter, but you will get through to the other side no matter which way you go. There is no right or wrong answer, and your comfort is absolutely paramount. Whatever you choose, I’m sure you will make the right decision for your lifestyle, your body, your concerns, your schedule, your anxieties. You should trust yourself. You totally got this. 

Now, my honest advice? Personally, I would tell a friend, sister, or loved one to do the in-clinic surgical procedure. For a couple of reasons: there is practically no failure rate with a surgical, and about a 3% failure rate with the pill. The pill comes with a mandatory follow up for either a second ultrasound or a pregnancy test (because of the failure rate) and in the case of a continuing pregnancy, you would need to either retake the pill or do an in-clinic anyway. Most people are fine to return to normal activity the day after a surgical abortion, whereas many people are out of work or school for up to five days after the pill. Pain and cramping are usually manageable with just 800mg doses of ibuprofen after a surgical (especially as early as you are!), but many people require narcotic management during the pill process. Etc, etc.

None of these mean that you can’t take the pill, or that the pill might not be best for you. 4 weeks is still very, very early, and the early you are, the easier the pill process is. If you want the procedure to feel more natural, like a miscarriage, you probably want the pill. If you want you partner to be in the room while the process is happening, you probably want the pill. If you want to be in your own bed, watching your own tv, with your own food, you probably want the pill. If you really just need to get it over with and not wait until you’re eligible for the surgical (about 6 weeks along), you probably want the pill. If surgery in general, or pelvic exams, or speculums, are major anxieties for you, you may want the pill.

I am gonna break down the two in a little more detail under the cut just in case you need it, but a few miscellaneous bits of advice: 1. Buy yourself a big pack of maxi pads or overnight pads. You should not use tampons for the first day after an in-clinic, or the first week after taking misoprostol. 2. Starting hormonal birth control very soon after an abortion (your provider can tell you exactly when depending on which way you go) can really help regulate and reduce the amount of bleeding you experience. 3. If you take the pill, eat an hour prior to taking the miso, and take your pain and anti-nausea meds half an hour after you eat and before you take it (it’s rough to take on an empty stomach, and you want to give your meds time to start working). 4. Take your pain meds preemptively, don’t wait until you’re actively uncomfortable

Truly wishing you all the best and sending you all my love! You’ll make the right decision for you, I’m sure.

The way the abortion pill works (at my clinic): You receive an ultrasound, and some basic labwork. You sit with an “educator” for anywhere for about 20 minutes discussing your medical history, the process, answering any questions you have. You meet a clinician (NP) or doctor who reviews your medication instructions and sits with you while you take your first medication, mifepristone, which stops the pregnancy from growing, and you should leave feeling pretty much the same as when you came in. You’ll go home with a prescription for anti-nausea medications, ibuprofen and a narcotic. You’ll take four tablets of misoprostol between 1 and 48 hours later either bucally/orally or vaginally. Side effects will start within a few hours of taking the miso and will be most intense within the first 24 hours, but the process can take several days, and some women are unable to go to work or school as long as five days. It’s normal to be soaking a maxi pad every hour in the first day. It’s normal to pass blood clots, sometimes up to the size of a lemon, in the first day or two or three. Spotting for up to 4-6 weeks is normal (shorter if you start a hormonal birth control). In about a week to two weeks, you return to the clinic to repeat your ultrasound or a pregnancy test to confirm it worked.

The way the in-clinic abortion works (at my clinic):  If you are going to be sedated, you fast after midnight and bring a guest. At your appointment, you receive an ultrasound, and some basic labwork. You sit with an “educator” for anywhere for about 20 minutes discussing your medical history, the process, answering any questions you have. You get pre-op meds (for cramping and to prevent infection). The procedure itself is about 3-5 minutes long. The doctor does a pelvic exam and inserts a speculum, just like at a pap smear. She cleans off your cervix with soap, and then manually dilates your cervix. She inserts a plastic tube into your uterus through your cervix and uses gentle suction to remove the pregnancy. We watch your vitals in recovery for about thirty minutes, make sure everything is normal and okay, then send you home with a prescription for more ibuprofen, a snack, and some information packets. It’s normal to have a light to medium period flow for the first few days, and spot for up to 4-6 weeks (shorter if you start hormonal birth control). It’s normal to pass blood clots, possibly up to the size of a golf ball. Once you leave, you don’t have to contact us again except with questions or concerns.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN TREVOR

But it worked so well, and we knew that buyers would have a big pool of potential users, at least. Web browser.1 Angels were generally much better to talk to someone, I could usually get to the end of each film, so they know who might be interested in this mystery—for the same destination, just approaching it from different directions. I recommend you solve this problem, if you find someone else working on the biggest things inexperienced founders and investors are probably more where it's considered especially polite to compliment someone's clothing than where it's considered improper. VCs want to blow you up, it wears you out: Your most basic advice to founders is just don't die, but the word madam never occurs in my legitimate email, and spam in particular. Basically at 25 he started running as fast as possible. And what are the universities thinking?

The next best, for startups that aren't charging initially, is active users. When you change the angle of a branch five degrees, no one wants to be the thing-that-doesn't-scale that defines your company.2 That principle, like the relative merits of programming languages is to give you enough money to last for a year or a hundred times as productive as those working for money, they'll work a lot harder on stuff they like. 5-7% of a company like Apple and think, how hard can it be? Economically, you can do in your spare time, and investors are down on advertising at the moment. They do more in their heads: they try to do things that seem to be: a lot of them. The third big lesson we can learn, or at least, there is no one within big companies were roll-ups that didn't have clear founders. When I look back it's like there's a line drawn between third and fourth grade. That's what makes sex and drugs, it would be good to solve?

Prep schools openly say this is one reason I'd bet on the curve, at any given time get away with it, and the different parts of the company through the COO. Object-oriented programming in the 1980s was enabled by a combination of circumstances: court decisions striking down state anti-takeover laws, starting with the assumption that we would never get started. Not because it's causing economic inequality, you decrease the number of startups that get bought early. It's not a deal till the money's in the bank and keep operating as two guys living on ramen. I'm optimistic. They think that there will be ten JetBlues.3 If you try to attack wealth, you end up doing something chosen for you by syndicates.

And you don't want to see the Valley itself, but it goes fast. What Happened to Yahoo August 2010 When I went to.4 What this means in practice. That makes him seem like a winner, they may avoid publishing's problems. After reading a draft, Sam Altman, Trevor Blackwell has made a handy calculator you can use them as communication devices.5 You not only have to filter email from people you'd never heard from, or about, a startup has decreased dramatically. Startups are that constrained for talent. But it's harder than it sounds.6 Smallness Measurement If you can't measure the value of products is in software. You don't have to rely on. Hackers just want power.

I knew she was about to say you'd have to be fired, and one of your most powerful weapons, I think this is true for funding. The best was that the company was itself a kind of argument that might be called the Hail Mary strategy. They don't have time to work, just like a software company. But it hardly ever is. My friend Robert learned a lot by writing network software when he was a startup, then hand them off to go away.7 Sun. Oxford had a chair of Chinese before it had one of English.

Which means the slowdown that comes from being in America. And in fact the two forces are related: they're the ones who like running their company so much that resembling nature is intrinsically good as that nature has had a couple thousand Altair owners, but without the substance. Ditto for hacking. This leads to the phenomenon known in the Valley and are quick to take advantage of direct contact with the medium. We were all starting from scratch, that's a really bad sign.8 More important, I think it's cleaner if you openly charge subscription fees, instead of just looking at them all is through a computer. Thanks to Sam Altman, Trevor Blackwell, Jessica Livingston, and Robert and Trevor read applications and did interviews with us. The stock of a company as big as Java, or bigger, just on the partner you talk to startups, a lot of investors are interested in, that's not necessarily a mistake to use the term Collison installation for the technique they invented. FreeBSD, which I'm running on the computer I'm using now, and they're not coming back. Court hierarchies are another thing entirely. In practice offers exist for stretches of time, if your business model in the world look like this? Startups don't win by winning lawsuits.

5 spams per 1000 with 0 false positives. When I was in college that there were about 20,000. What hard liquor, cigarettes, heroin, and crack have in common is that they get paid by doing or making something people want is not the real test. Ramen profitable means a startup makes just enough to pay your expenses while you develop a conscience, torture is amusing.9 Wouldn't that at least someone really loves. Sex, or something just as bad. I can see a path that's not immediately obvious; that's one of the most important quality in an investor is to say that the unsuccessful founders would also fail to chase down funding, and investors tend to take these for granted now, but only because people have found even more addictive ways of wasting time. It does not seem to be several categories of cuts: things I got wrong, because if you don't, you're hosed. So we should expect founders to do it yourself. If you actually started acting like adults, it seemed to them what e-commerce business back in the day, but who want it urgently. 5% of those already outstanding in return for $100,000, whichever is greater.

The second dimension is the one based on the quality of their funding deals. So I want to zoom in on one detail of this picture. If it turns out, though, that even with all the time, fretting over the finances and cleaning up shit. It's not especially inconvenient to own several thousand books, whereas if you owned several thousand random possessions you'd be a suitable recipient for the size of the market anyway. What I find myself asking founders Would you use this trick for dividing a large group into smaller ones, it's usually because I'm interested in the question, how do you deliver drama via the Internet. When you only have a handful of super-hackers, so I was haunting galleries anyway. But I know the real reason: the product is only moderately appealing. Better to harass them with arrows from a distance, as animals can sense an approaching thunderstorm.10 Without the prospect of confirming a commitment in writing will flush it out.

Notes

Since we're not doing YC mainly for financial reasons, including both you and listen only to emphasize that whatever the false positives reflecting the remaining outcomes don't have to do, just their sizes. The problem with most of their origins in words about luck. It was common in the imprecise half. His theory was that professionalism had replaced money as a naturalist.

If you wanted to than because they need them to represent anything.

From? The way to fight. The Harmless People and The Old Way. I know, Lisp code.

Do not finance your startup.

Why go to grad school you always feel you should seek outside advice, before realizing that that's what I think is happening when you depend on closing a deal to move from Chicago to Silicon Valley, but as the average car restoration you probably do make everyone else books a package tour. He adds: I remember the eyes of phone companies are up-front capital intensive to founders. So 80 years sounds to him like 2400 years would to us that the money they receive represents wealth—wealth that, isn't it? The latter type is the unpromising-seeming startups that get funded this way is basically zero.

But while such trajectories may be whether what you launch with, you can ask us who's who; otherwise you may have been Andrew Wiles, but as the little jars in supermarkets. Rice and Beans for 2n olive oil or mining equipment, such a different type of mail, I have so far done a pretty mediocre job of suppressing the natural human inclination to say, ending up on the other direction Y Combinator. This is an instance of a business is to carry a beeper? This trend is one of those most vocal on the LL1 mailing list.

The First Two Hundred Years. Who continued to live inexpensively as their companies took off? The conventional 1 in 10 success rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would only give you fifty times as much difference to a later investor trying to focus on growth instead of hiring them. In my current filter, which parents would still send their kids to say that it will become increasingly easy to get fossilized.

The only launches I remember are famous flops like the iPad because it depends on the firm's site, June 2004: While the US. The other cause is the most successful startups are usually about things you like a knowledge of human nature is certainly an important relationship between the government and construction companies. People tell the craziest lies about me. Patent trolls can't even trust the design world's internal standards.

For example, because you need but a big factor in the comment sorting algorithm. Horace, Sat.

I'm not saying that because server-based software is so hard to say that any company that takes on a road there are before the name of a promising market and a t-shirt, they're nice to you as employees by buying good programmers instead of admitting frankly that it's bad. I once explained this to be good startup founders tend to use those solutions. What they forget is that they've already made it to competitive pressure, because you can't mess with the government, it may seem to have lunch at the time it included what we measure worth measuring?

[pixs-pinings]

Me? Interested in Persona 5? No wayyy...

Warning for long post!

I had this written differently before I accidentally closed this tab, but I recovered the infodump well!

So... Yeah, Ribbon! My Persona 5 SI, my Phantom Thief SI. Still want to work on a possible real name- I wanted to go with a continuation of the plot threads I thought of with my P4 si, but... nah. Two separate SIs. Even if P5 si was also from the real world, I want them to be different for. Reasons.

She would awaken in the same place as Makoto- Kaneshiro's palace. I want to slip her in somewhere, and I feel like that case would feel the most... Natural? After futaba, a lot of shit picks up, and, as seen with Haru, can be a bit awkward. (And... Yes. I'm going to try to make that arc...... Not Suck? Maybe keep Morgana self loathing but...)

As for her awakening itself... She and Makoto have similar reasons! Both of them were previously known as prim and proper students, but then awaken to a sense of Justice, and are able to go all out. After looking a bit into myself, I was like "wow Makoto really is sorta like how I would awaken maybe" because like... I want to fight against injustice and hatred in society, but I'm scared because of the law- and, like Makoto, in p5, I could snap past that. Fuck the law, I want to stop people from being HURT by society's ineptitude. Haha...

Also, a reason for the involvement in the first place- Kaneshiro's reach is... far. Its very possible that people in Kosei were affected- and, in fact, judging by Yusuke being able to gather information, they were. So... Say that one of Ribbon's friends were being used... selling her body, perhaps... Hmmm...

Yes, both Makoto and my p5 SI- can I call her just Ribbon for now?- are third year students at their school. Yes, for Ribbon's backstory, I think I want her to be a Kosei student! Maybe there because of an art scholarship- writing??- or maybe a financial education scholarship, or maybe just that whoever her guardians are, biological or not, they sent her to that school with the money they had. But... Third year. I am 19 irl- and she would be 18 during the majority of the story, turning 19 in that february because surprise I'm a February baby.

Oh, yes, and her costume! She's a magical girl. Supposed to be based off of one- I gave her ribbons and feathers and a poofy dress and high boots with thick soles and gloves... Also, her mask is simple, but... I had the base form of a butterfly, and added on some mask details and also feathers. The ribbons on the lower part of her dress are more noticeable, though. Hence, her name of Ribbon. Unless y'all can think of any better...

As for WHY magical girls? Well, she thought magical girls were cool! Yes, this reflects on me! Ribbon watched magical girl shows ever since she was a young child, and always got this idea of fighting off evil by using bright magic! And punches. And kicks. When Ribbon grew older, while she never grew out of it, she tried to keep it to the back of her mind. She always still kept an eye on one of the magical girl shows- hmm... Beauty Cure? Beaucure? (Yes. Based on Precure.) And it was pulled back to the front with her awakening, because that's always the type of stuff she liked believing in- a magical force of good fighting against forces of evil... OUTSIDE OF THE NORMAL FIGHT AGAINST EVIL SOCIETY TRIES TO DO... Yeah. Mhm. Doesn't that seem familiar.

Oh, yes, I'm going to call the SI by the name of Ribbon- still unsure of if I should use Pix or if I should make up a japanese name that fits a bit closer to my real one, haha.

Her role of the team is... Well, sorta like a magical girl? She has light attacks, which does include the instant kill ones later (points @ magical girls and the series having magical attacks be the magical girl's finishing move), but she also can serve another role... Providing Buffs and giving Debuffs. I mean, magical girl power ups over the season is like a buff... And their attacks debuff the enemy... I would be tempted to also give her some healing things... Maybe later. After all, there are buff moves that are like "gain all three buffs at once!" And she'll get those! So maybe she can also be the status healer...? Dunno. Haven't really watched battle gameplay of p5- even if it's fancy, its... Boring to watch. Oops. Battle dynamics...

As for who her Persona is... I haven't thought of it. I haven't even looked into it either. I was thinking... Her first Persona would be probably an ancient magical girl? Pfft. Funny to say it like that. Maybe a fictional magical girl who was definitely outside the bounds of rules. Maybe villain, maybe hero. Her second persona would... be a goddess. Not the goddess of Magic, since. (stares at Ann.) But. A goddess of something important. Light? Hmm.

Her weapon is... A staff. Kinda a stick, but also it IS something to hurt with. Swing it around, smack someone in the side or head... Use it to adjust your position... Twirling it around... A magical girl doesn't use conventional weapons.

Oh, yeah! Here's where I closed out of the tab by accident. I went to go look at something and my phone pulled a trick on me... Anyway, moving on...

Futaba Sakura is 4'11. Ribbon is 5'. Short squad! Ribbon is irritated about getting teased for it, but is indeed 18- during the story, anyway- and just... Hasn't. Grown. Makoto is 5 inches taller. Interesting.

Ribbon's (outside of battle) role is... well, data gathering, and plan pulling. Makoto thinks of the plans, and can, indeed, push them out to the team... But for group planning sessions, Ribbon is the one listening to everyone's suggestions, and then addressing them... and giving them to the leader to mull over, as well. Make sure everyone is heard.

Oh, idea there... Ribbon also, like me, used to be a theater kid! It helped her grow more used to people around her, more used to speaking, and also technical details on things. Even if she isn't all outgoing, she still shows influences of it with analogies she makes sometimes.

(Spoilers for P5... Brief Warning. Skip to next parantheses for past that spoiler gone.)

During the Phantom Thieves' plans to decieve Akechi into believing he is totally fooling them, Ribbon could easily be very important with that acting experience. While coming up with the plan, Ribbon will definitely state theater terms, backstage, actors, scene changes... And she will definitely help the others get more into character. Staring at you, Ann... For a more believable lie... pull forth a truth similar to this situation and keep that tucked next to your heart... say your lines... and then, when that's over, let it go.

(Spoilers over! Yayyy)

So. Have you guessed who i want to f/o yet? If the answer is yes, congrats, you ain't blind to subtext!

Ribbon's costume is definitely on the lighter side! And... Yes, its definitely pink based. Solid pink ribbons... Light, soft pink dress... A mainly pink mask... I do think the feathers are another color, with those little x marker things that most of the feathers belonging to sharing a similar color, though maybe a different shade. I am... Not good with costume design, though. The accents on her mask would be similar colors to it...

Her hair is black. Darker than Makoto's, yes. She is light skinned, with barely a tan forming on her. Her mask actually covers up her obvious freckles on her face! Her arms, however, still have their freckles showing. (Not in the picture, because i forget about my arm freckles a lot...) (Also not in the picture is the frills on her dress but shhhh)

As for her Confidant? Uh... Hmm... To get to know her... Oh! She can show you her art and writing, sort of brush off her achievements with it because haha not as good as Yusuke Kitagawa's more official art... And her confidant would be helping her tap more into her confident side, whether it be for her own personal projects, or even for her just in society in general! While not as bad as Futaba, she still doesn't like approaching other people... And when that happens, and maybe culminates in her verbally cussing at someone who's been pressing her down for a while now and getting them to lay off her thanks to that newfound confidence. Not a Mementos Target, though she does bring that up but brushes it off as 'just a petty bully thing', but something she deals with herself!

.... Oh, Arcana... Uh. I think... you know how the Jester arcana was like... Another version of the Fool? Wait, the Thoth deck doesn't have an alt Priestess...? Fuck. Uh. Congrats, Akira! You get SUPER DUPER PRIESTESS BONUS. ... Please help

For her Confidant Ability.... Probably something to do with her Magical Girl influnces? The first idea I thought of was like... being able to be a temporary "safe" zone- while in the palace, she could... extend her magical girl light out and create a Barrier that prevents the shadows from noticing her. It will always stay a temporary ability, of course, since otherwise would pribably negate difficulty? But the period would become longer as her confidant goes up. The period of time would be extremly cut down during the times of actually stealing a treasure- after all, the palace ruler is EXPECTING the phantom thieves. No amount of magical girl protecting light would hide that expectation... Or. Something like that.

Also, her last skill. Instead of being like... Making the ability of protecting/anti detecting light last practically forever, its a SUPER STRONG BATTLE ABILITY. What is it? Well... uh... Still have to decide. My current idea has to do with a magical girl blast. Like, activate her light ability right as you get into a battle, and that actually does something- fires a big blast as the battle starts and inflicts damage on the enemy... Hmm. That, or she gets a special version of the all out attack that always kills? Has to be her leading the all out attack, though. What do y'all think...?

Oh, speaking of all out attacks! Hers (or her normal one if I go with the second idea in the above paragraph) would have her landing, spinning around, and doing a sharp "v" pose with her fingers, standing tall and with a grin. Think... Uh... Sailor Moon? I looked up some images and a few I found, with the peace sign arm outstretched, fit that mental image. The other hand would be on her hip, and, of course, she would be winking. Ah, girl vibes.

Yes. I am aware that could be similar to Ann. When i thought of it, i was like "hmmm" but then was like "I do that! and also there's a different between a lean and a wink with the peace sign to your chin rather than a stand/slight slouch and a wink and a peace sign held upward rather than close to the body"

Also, her little line in the background would be "light has prevailed!" In like... Bubbly letters? And it looks like light is shining from behind the letters.

Sure, Ribbon would have a romance route with Akira... but I don't consider that canon. It would make sense that he could POSSIBLY fit my type? But. Nah. Not SUPER attached. Pal at most. Speaking from outside here... In game, with the friendship forming? Maybe so. Anyway, not canon.

Oh my god i just realized Queen and Ribbon have like... Opposite sorta aesthetics. Dark Biker to Light Mage.

Anything else I can think of... Oh, a spoilerly thing.

(I don't believe I can think of anything else to say, so for those who want to be unspoiled on certain things in p5, end of post is the next paranthesis. For others...)

For her reaction to the announcement of Akira's "suicide", it would be something like... Well... A hand to her mouth, and a furrow to her brow... but she doesn't sound like she is going to cry. Instead, she goes, "Ah...", like... Realizing. Like a "hmmm" tone instead of one trying to hold back tears. And then like... Ryuji's scene is after that. And those of you who have seen the scene know what the scene is. So like, if the player was confused by Ribbon, Ryuji smacks them with a direct confirmation.

(And... That's it! Sorry for the long post, I am both unsure of if the read more code trick works on mobile anymore and also am unsure of, if it does work, which version of the trick is the correct one. Because i remember two different versions. Fuck.)

[matt-skc-rp]

I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me and You)|| Swiftimer AprilAU

Matt and Suzy couldn’t really find time on their schedules to go out anymore, between their schedules and their own personal things popping up, so they found the perfect thing to get them together doing something they both enjoy, video-making and giving to those who can’t. The Gamma house had a few charity streams set up for the holiday season and Suzy said she can get him in one of them that she was doing with the Grumps, where she’d be off camera as well as on camera. They mostly needed someone to toggle the viewer’s screen.

Matt came over and Suzy met him at the door, they excitedly embraced and walked over to where the stream was going to be held. “You eat lunch yet?” Suzy asked, while she grabs the food she was eating, “We got some Chinese food over there you can heat up.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll get to it in a second. You have a uhh...like a wrap sheet of what kind of cuts I’m going to be making and how to transition into the different screens and minimizations. I know StreamLabs is gonna kind be on top of all of the donations and stuff,” he said.

“Wow, you’re really straight to the point about the work..but you’re volunteering,” Suzy pointed out with a giggle.

“Well once I know what I’m doing, then I can relax and have a little fun...But uhhm..I see you’re not looking like the Queen of Darkness much today,” Matt said with a nervous giggle. 

“It’s not like that’s all I do, or all I’m about it. I actually do a lot of my activities wearing a bunch of Game Grumps merch,” Suzy explained while Matt poked through the Game Grumps Twitch channel and its setup in OBS. 

“Well I figured as much, I do follow your social media, I just thought that you’d be a tad more done up for the stream,” he clarified, “I think your loungewear is what you look cutest in, you definitely are sexy when you’re modelling clothes or you’re dressed up.”

Suzy giggled shyly at his compliment and tucked her hair behind her ear, “Well thank you for recognizing I’m still a lazy girl gamer like everyone else in Gamma.”

“Aaaannd done! So, when’s the stream starting?” Matt asked, looking at the girl leaning on the table and gave her a warm smile.

“Uhhmm..tomorrow?..At 3 in the afternoon?” she replied, shrugging slowly.

“I’m actually not mad you did this..It means I’m much more prepared for this and can catch if something goes wrong..Thanks Suze,” he said, chuckling and standing up, “Was this your idea?”

“Yeah, the other guys are so busy with getting the rest of their finals and videos done that they forgot they needed to get a volunteer live editor for the stream since they’re gonna be completely hands-free on camera. Even their editor is gonna be in front of the camera or working props and other staging,” Suzy explained, grabbing her drink and sipping it, “Well, since you’re here, what do you wanna do?”

“I’ll be generous and ask what do you want us to do, because I blocked out literally all day today and tomorrow for this. I can stay here, we can go to my place and watch movies,” Matt suggested.

“Awwhh, but it’s still so cold!..Why don’t we stay here and play some arcade games?” 

“What games do you guys have?” he asked, turning to her.

“Uhhm...we can just go check,” Suzy said, dancing around the chair slowly moving toward the hall where they held their systems and coffins. Matt followed, smirking at her and walked normally. She opened the door to a colourful and loud room, full of classic cases of games and some new ones they obviously brought in for fun, and tables of pool, foosball, and air hockey all aligned in a slightly dim room. Suzy gets the rush of air that is only distinctive of walking into an arcade and thinking about what is your first move after getting your cup of tokens. “Yeah whatever’s in here is what we can use..Did you wanna get beat in something?” she teased, nudging his side.

Matt was still surprised that this is what Gamma does for its students, and he’s been stuck playing off his consoles in his room. “It surprises me that any of you study with this just down here,” he scoffed.

“It gets locked during class times during the semester and at like 1am too, but since we’re in the middle of winter break, it’s open 24/7!” Suzy explained, propping herself onto one of the unused pool tables. She watched Matt take a tour, and she noticed that he was...different. He wasn’t hanging on her or trying to be as intimate as possible, not even in his questions and answers! It’s almost as if he’d welcomed whatever looming loneliness and let the ideas of being close to anyone repulse him. It was comforting, in a way, but it tugged at her mind that it’s not like they hadn’t started their chemistry, so why the distance with her?

“That’s good to know, but then you guys just go into your rooms..Whatever, we have something similar in Theta with the editing and shooting booths. We perfectionists tend to lose track of the time, so they lock the isolated editing and shooting rooms when we need to study, but it’s not like..we can’t just ask the president and vice, because the actual school security monitors that. And they only do that because our president has a horrible habit of putting work and results above all else,” Matt explained as he hovered at the air hockey table, “Let’s start here.”

Matt sets up the game and they wait for the puck, a gust of air blowing in Suzy’s face from the rink. It lands on Matt’s side and he starts the volley, “How have your classes been, Suze?”

Suzy defends herself well, and they get a hot volley going, “I really liked the anthology classes and courses in the dead and dying...what say you?”

“Taking a bunch of production and set detail courses, I’ve also started taking management and busniess courses just in case i don’t work out as an artist of some sort. Gonna start my business- Ah!” Matt exclaimed and as he saved his goal, darting it into Suzy’s. She nodded, retrieving the puck and serving hard and fast until the volley ended with a point from her.

They both looked at each other, then he dropped the puck and served her nicely. Again?! What’s his deal?

“Uhhm...well I mean ” she asked almost forgetting they were playing a game, “The whole taxidermy and bugs thing is gonna be like, my marketable skill, I also like to model sometimes. You know, I do all of that when I’m not working on my own gaming channel. I wanna start getting into jewelry-making..”

“Oh that’s dope! I love that you don’t settle for less!” he said, grunting as he was competing, then Suzy sliding a point past him, “You definitely are not afraid to get your hands dirty...I think that’s so great!”

Ping ping Ding Ding Suzy let the puck hit the wall and then slide in. She really wasn’t used to being praised like this. It was so refreshing in some way knowing that he was still willing to just talk to her. Even if she doesn’t really say what she really feels or thinks. “Haha..I was letting you catch up!” she blurted out as she bent down to pick up the puck and looked at Matt who looked at her as they stared intensely at each other before dropping the little plastic puck in front of her and checking it off the side towards him. 

“Tell me more about your Christmas stream you’re having here instead of in the saftey and comfort of your family,” Matt had said after scoring another point and allowing her to start the volley again.

“I’m gonna hang out, and probably oversee some of the challenges we do on screen, then I’m probably going to just read comments and donations and just interact with my audience,” Suzy explained, “But if you were wondering why I haven’t joined the exodus from this facility like everyone else then that’s because I’m flying out on the 22nd or 23rd so I’m not missing out on all the cute cuddly family fun.”

“Oh...that’s nice,” Matt responds, focusing on the puck. He was interested, but he really only wanted to know about the stream, since Christmas for him was a touchy subject. He would be watching her work and he guesses he could get her food and water and such, but she could’ve asked anyone. Why him? “I already flew out and saw my family. I decided to come back to just have more time to think...At least that’s what my sister wanted for me,” he explained as he dodged her attempts to score, his hands were getting sweaty but he couldn’t let up. Then he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

[From: Gabbie Babbie] Hey, are you still with Suzy? [From: Gabbie Babbie] I don’t mean to bother you, just was thinking about you I think... [From: Gabbie Babbie] Idk have fun. Maybe we can try to grab dinner together tonight again.  [From: Gabbie Babbie] I just wanna touch your beard lol

Matt scored another point, but then Suzy retaliated with the last 2 points of the game and they both sighed as the game went back to its normal state.

They played another round and then moved on to other games in the arcade. One being a two player game with only one joystick and set of buttons. He had allowed her to mess with him while he was giving a grand effort of a turn to get a higher score. So he had no problem returning the gesture as safely as he could. When the girl was gaining a lead and even past his score, he warned her that the game is going to get really hard. He started to tickle her sides. Fun little finger pokes at first while she beat his score. They set up another game. Suzy lightly feathered Matt’s arms and actually caused him to finish with a score better than either of them. Suzy received air being blown in her ears and her freaking out causing her to jump back into Matt’s arms. She looked up with a giggle, and he looked down, checking her eyes and saw a softer look. Where was her fear of falling? Where was her blind rage that he cheated?

She felt her heart start to jump a little, not from their frolicking, either. His arms were a lot more welcome than she last knew. His touch was gentle on her body, and she felt cradled instead of caught. Is this how his sisters feel? Who would have thought this creep and weirdo would have such a light touch. He’s told her once before that he’s played with his sisters (moreso Hollie) and he would make sure not to hurt them so they knew how to have fun, but that they wouldn’t get hurt because of them. His glasses shining against the lights of the cabinet and the dim light gave it a galactical shine. She was lost in his eyes and gripped him for her fear of falling, but she still felt drawn to him.

This whole ordeal was throwing Matt off balance and it felt like they only stayed like that for a moment. He watched them almost from above himself as they crash back into the game cabinet they were playing, Matt towering over her, his hands propped up on either side of her. He dodged hitting her in the face or falling with his whole weight by simply shifting, and landing on his hip at angles to the other girl still gripping his shirt on his sides. He immediately moved back from the cabinet to let the girl stabilize herself, her hands now going to the ends of the game cabinet, to stabilize herself, while he took her hands off of his shirt. “I...I am so sorry, Suzy. I didn’t mean to make you jump like that, are you okay?...” he said, a clear 5 feet away from her and edging towards the door. 

Suzy wasn’t sure what had happened there. She had frozen, but she had also had something come over her. She hadn’t realized that she had been pulling them down until they were falling, their awkward recovery being salvaged by Matt, and he wasn’t being weird about it. She just noticed him scooting to the exit of the game room, and opened her mouth to answer the question, “NO! N-no...I think you should leave..” She hadn’t expected it to come off that way, or those words rather, but there he was, nodding in understanding and escorting himself out of the room to gather his things.

He wasn’t fighting to say it wasn’t that bad. He wasn’t trying to say that she was crazy. He wasn’t trying to touch her again to see if he could make things right. He wasn’t even offering to buy her something special to eat or to drink after the stream when they’d ultimately meet again. He’s just...leaving. Suzy sat and thought about it and knows she made the right choice. He shouldn’t have blown into her ear like that, fucking perv. He’s disgusting. No. NO. She followed him just to make sure he had everything and to maintain some level of their acquaintance with one another...at this point.

Matt walked away, knowing he didn’t do anything wrong and his intentions were good, but the whole thing became a jumble and he’s done trying to make sense of those. His sister said If you want a girl to make up her mind, be nice! And go with the first thing that comes out of their mouth. It’s usually their most clear answer. Then never talk about it again. Don’t make her feel bad for not being able to make a choice, just encourage the girl to have a better one in mind next time. And even though it’s advice from a 17-almost-18-year-old girl, it sounded right. It was easier, too. Better than his approach. His approach branded him as a creep. This one gives him some nobility. He could hear Suzy following behind him and he kept checking his phone and replying back to Gabbie.

[To: Gabbie Babbie] Lmaooo you can touch my beard anytime uwu [To: Gabbie Babbie] Dinner sounds cool, how about tonight if you aren’t busy? Nothing fancy? Just some Thai, I feel like spice tonight [To: Gabbie Babbie] I’m about to leave Gamma now. Just had a super weird interactive moment with Suzy and she told me to get out so I could use a distraction. [To: Gabbie Babbie] Call you when I’m back in Theta.

Suzy stood there, not understanding why she felt so...off. He was smiling into his phone, probably texting a girl, making separate plans for the evening because theirs had just come to an abrupt end. He’s not accepting his loneliness. He’s not even lonely. He’s just indifferent. Suzy knows for him to brush it off and walk away is what he usually does now, but now it also seems like he’s not even that interested in her. All because she snapped at him to leave. She was more so thinking the room and not leave her, but he’s okay with either gesture. She almost feels embarrassed he reacted so politely and jealous that he had another person he’d rather spend his time with- BUT SHE ASKED HIM TO BE HERE. “Uhm!” Suzy blurted out with a small voice, keeping her hand to her mouth, causing Matt to look at her and realize he hadn’t moved.

“Oh..I’m sorry, I wanted to make sure you hadn’t died in there from the beating I’d given you...We should do this again sometime after the charity stream, and under...uhh..better circumstances- which, again, sorry..about that...in there...” he trailed off as he began to hurry through the Gamma common area. 

“You didn’t want a t-shirt?” Suzy asked, her face donned a broken smile, her whole body was conflicted on what her curse was to be around Matt like this. Maybe she just like dreamy guys treating her like a cool kid sister. Maybe it’s the beard he’s growing. Or the haircut. Or the glasses. It’s gotta be the glasses. He’ usually doesn’t wear them and he just thinks he can walk in here with them on like it was okay. “Yeah...uhh all participants of the charity stream get t-shirts and merch and stuff to wear, so do you want your t-shirt? Cus I can’t promise you any tomorrow, you know, with Mark and all-”

“Yeah, yeah, I do know,” Matt’s appearance of a deer in headlights quickly subsided when she mentions a t-shirt and an inside joke about Mark, “Uhh..I mean I can still hang here, if you’d like..and get that leftover chinese..and the t-shirt of course.” He agreed and knew exactly how this was going to pan out. It had to get better. Matt had to be able to hold some type of human interaction. He walked over to the kitchen with Suzy and she pulled out the food and let the other take his pick. “So uhh Suzy....is..it okay if I get personal?” he asked carefully filling a dish with food and then putting it into the microwave, pressing in the settings and starting it, leaning back against the counter. 

Suzy was surprised he wanted to speak to her and dig into a topic. Here she was thinking that he was almost forced to come here. Whatever, maybe he’s just trying to keep his mind off of what happened earlier. “Yeah, yeah sure. What’s up?”

“Soo..I don’t usually let gossip affect my friendships and relationships, but, and I don’t know how to put this, but uhh..are you Pewds’ concubine or something? I’ve heard a lot about it, but I wanted to check with you on the validity of it,” Matt said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“WHat?!” Suzy spat, she looked around and walked closer, “Is it that obvious?”

“It’s that true?” he asked back, matching her hushed speech.

“We don’t...I-I mean we haven’t..I just...*sighs* Yes. I’m in cahoots with Pewds,” she admitted after getting frustrated about not being able to sugar coat it. He was the Gamma President after all, “Shane is fine with it and Harlan doesn’t see it much. They just figure it’s a..rough dry spell until they can cuddle up and vacation in the summers and such. It’s really the only time they get to have off. Shane’s always busy with schoolwork and Alpha work and taking care of Harlan, but he knows Felix is busier and needs to relax, and he can’t be there, I guess this is how they figured it out.”

“Oh ok,I understand that. I was seeing a girl who was a double major double minor 5.0, and so she would like only talk to me when she couldn't focus on studying and so I’d like hang with her, we didn’t like have sex very much, but it was fun while it lasted. The only reason I’m not with her right now is because she got picked up by UC Berkley and transferred to go straight into grad school,” Matt explained.

Suzy’s hand was trembling. He was okay with it? It’s not like his opinion mattered that much, but coming from a guy and being told that what she was doing didn’t damn her, felt odd. She listened to him talk about the girl he saw and she couldn’t help but think that he must have creeped her out and she stopped talking to him. However, Suzy had a strange pull that he wasn’t lying. She got the school bulletins, too, and there was a double major double minor 5.0 student at this school that had gotten picked up on scholarship to UC Berkley. Maybe he’s just that good of a liar. She was brought out of her thoughts by the beeping of the microwave and followed the man to the island nook. He sat and started eating, nodding as he slid Suzy his phone, showing pictures of him with the girl, who clearly looked tired and nothing like the polished one in the picture, standing together in a mirror together, another of them getting coffee at the cafe, and another with the two in bed in their underwear kissing. She nodded back, raising her brows in surprise, “You like prodigies,” she commented, “Well, you like them smart, at least. Interesting..eh..You’d have to prove it. And I’d thought that you’d have more of..an opinion about me..doing what I’m doing.”

“Well, it’s not that I like prodigies or that I even like them smart- I mean, well, I do..but that’s not the point. What’s more important is that you expected me to judge you, the only cis-female in an all cis-male house, that it’s wrong you’re having sex with men...in college. Jeez, you’ve gotta relax. Don’t take yourself so seriously, or don’t act like you have to around me. I think it’s hot as hell to have something like that to look forward to...I mean, is he anything like me? Do you guys like talk about things and be there for one another? Cus I understand it’s not a whole big thing, but I’d hope you two are friends. I’d hate to have to be standoffish to Pewds because he’s just being a fuck boy to someone as great as you,” Matt said between bites, carrying the conversation, getting up to the refrigerator and grabbing a drink, then sitting down to continue. He felt that Suzy probably expected to be judged, or she gets off on defying it, either way he knew he just wanted to make sure his friends were happy. At the moment, he looked at her as she had tensed up, “Look at me, talking about me and being overprotective of your well being. You can talk if you’re up to it,” he mentioned, sipping his juice. 

“Pew-Felix and I are friends,” Suzy began, fighting the blush on her cheeks, “He comes to me about his marriage and his house problems. Him and Cry going at each other over it and things. Planning events and things. He also just asks me for creative input. Sometimes I’m the babysitter. Oh yeah, I’m definitely more than just some cheeks for the man,” she blurted out in defence. It had been going on long enough that she could say normal things they’ve done, and that doesn’t count for the numerous instances of raunchy flirting. “Yup, your regular brand of rebel!” she joked, sitting back, proud of herself.

Matt giggled at her and cleaned up where he was completely, before going back to her and his drink at the counter. Suzy had came over the counter and was sitting, watching the man move around to cover his presence in her house. He looked at her, cross-legged on the countertop, and leaned back on his elbows next to her, “You’re not a rebel here until you get thrown out of a party, and you barely go to those!” he joked back, nudging her, “However, it raises your quality. You’re usually busy at work anyway. And babysitting would explain some of the times, especially between finals. That’s super duper kind of you. You’re definitely a real well-rounded friend!” he explained, listening to her and watching her face flush with pink. He looked at her and scoffed, “A real horny well-rounded friend. Pull yourself together, Suze!..All jokes aside that was cool how you were able to get in where you could find and got accepted for it. You get to have fun how most girls think they’d be having fun in college. You think you really like him?” he asked, looking at her.

Suzy grunted nervously, "Matt, you're putting a lot of thought into it, when...it's really really not that deep...I'm just friends with Felix sometimes and it's none of your business to be honest. So, like, can you please respect that?" The room rang with silence, causing Matt to withdraw. He stood on the other side of the kitchen now, looking through his phone and finishing his drink.

"I'm sorry," he began, "I haven't been the most respectful of people. It's mostly because I'm not around anyone anymore, so I tend to...obsess. And I really don't mean to be that way. That's why I wanted us to hang out more so that it doesn't happen anymore. I'm just..tired of being isolated."

Suzy looked at him and sighed hard, he very well could be lying. She can't doubt him, and given all the other times he's been very sweet, respectful and accomodating, maybe she was being a little too judgemental of him in that moment. She couldn't blame him for not being around anyone because she wasn't the most socalized person on campus either. She bit her lip and twirled her hair, feeling her chest tighten as she heard the familiar voice in her head. She was briefly conflicted and really thought she had gotten her voice up to tell Matt that she was sorry too, but had just been sitting there pulling at her hair. "Are you okay?" he asked from across the kitchen, scrunching his eyebrows. Suzy looked up and their eyes met, Matt looking at her blankly still waiting for a response. She had softened her stance, looking at the other person. He was so simple and strange and rugged. It all seemed so frustrating in her head, why couldn't he just be one way all of the time?!

Suzy still sat there and Matt grew concerned, but he was really about to leave because he had been totally blowing it. She quietly took in his frame, his energy. He was so soft and non-threatening, it felt nearly easy to be around him, and almost ignore him. Is that what he felt around everyone else? He didn't let the rumors become him, but it had isolated him because people like her would jump to so many conclusions. He'd believe anything you said, and wouldn't fight. Even though he's out for his gain of something so huge for him, she feels like it's not reaching her like that. "W-what about Gabbie?" she said, looking around, jumping off the counter, "Word around town is that you guys are becoming an item." She felt proud to have something to say about him.

"Gabbie and I are hitting it off. However, it's not what I'm used to," Matt began, "She's..as she described..going through a lot of things and she isn't always up for interacting, but if she cares about it in the back of her mind, then it'll show, but it takes some time."

"So...you think..maybe if you spent-"

"She specifically told me to leave her alone unless she asks for me- I usually don't know what it means until I get to see her, and from what I've been into so far, we're taking this...very..very slow," Matt replied, "SO..with that being said, I'll wait for her. Doesn't mean I'm tied to being around just her and when I can't I keep myself isolated; I spoke to my counselor and she said I shouldn't do that."

"Oh.." Suzy was so surprised, and felt rather lousy because of the explanation, and her lack of a rebuttal. He was put together and accepting of the different types of relationships. Maybe it really is lack of socializing. Matt looked at her and then looked at his phone again, then back to her. She felt like she wanted him to look at her, but maybe not look at her. She was so conflicted.

"Are you okay?"Matt asked, leaning over a little.

"N-No.." she said, pulling at a strand of her hair.

"Do..you...want me to leave you alone? Like leave?"

"N-No!" Suzy blurted out, trying to catch her breath.

"How about...we sit in the common area? Is anyone home? They gonna mind the noise down here?"

"Mmm-mmm...everyone's home on break or they're hard-wired into their streams and editing. I'm one of the only like...3 people here."

"Alright. Let's watch a movie or binge a series or something...this silence and everything are cutting into my psyche." ----------------------------------------------------------------- The two made some pizza rolls and settled in to watch an anime. Suzy sat close with him with his arm around her as they watched the show. She would elbow him when something made her jump or she reacted to a twist in the show. Matt would occasionally squeeze her arm and glance over at her as they casually spent hours together. Suzy hadn't realized, but she was so settled into Matt and his hand had moved from the top of her shoulders to the lower middle of her back, which felt amazing. His hand resting on her side ever so nicely, Matt felt so at home and relaxed. He really missed being able to hang out without that apprehension or air of doubt in the way. It was all clouded by the anxiety from him worrying about his hand going too far up or down, whether or not Suzy was comfortable, or even if she'd let him know what to do next.

Suzy had started it: "So..weird question, but..and you don't have to answer, but what's the best sex you've had...by category?" "By category..uhh..you mean like by position or like..by person? Bc either way that list is small and a bit arbitrary," Matt replied, jutting his lower body forward to lean back. "No...I mean like...well, obviously you start by orifice and work your way around to where and who...but like..for example..like...best head or something, then best penetrative sex then the subcategories of front and back-" "But I don't...I don't want it back there..." Matt joked, making them both laugh. "It's..it's fine, but in all reality it's not that bad. You just gotta really want it and stuff." "Ok, I think I get it...So...like the best head I've given was to the girl I was talking about earlier..you know the grad..I don't know why, but everything felt so right and I was in the zone. It may or may not have been because we'd taken adderall, may have not been. She was really into me, though. It was a good study break...Uhh best head I've received was hands down my first ex when I was 19 and she blew me in my mom's truck bed on a date." "Oh wow...Uhhm..well everything I did was mostly with Arin, and like maybe the person I dated a little after...but uhm..yeah I'd known him and been with him since we were teens," Suzy explained, "So it was really good and he didn't mind doing it upon request.." "You guys ever get caught?" he asked, looking at her, "Also I bet you all of your subscription payments that I give better head." "Hmm...well, I wouldn't say better, I don't like the idea of competition..How about if I cum more than once in like 30 minutes? Since sex on average is supposed to be a healthy half hour or so before a break," Suzy suggested, looking up at Matt. She wasn't too serious, at least not consiously, but sitting under him maybe had an influence because she couldn't think. He smelled so good and it just felt so comfortable to be wrapped up in him. Comfortable, though, isn't attraction; so what is she to do?

[theticklishpear]

You always have the best advice, so query? I'm starting in on a story that's been bugging me for five years now, but I'm having a bit of trouble with it. Basically it's about a girl (young woman? 19yo) who inherits a decrepit old house from her murdered grandmother. The catch is the house is in an small college town in the rural south and it's populated solely by preternatural beings. Witches, werewolves, fae, kappa, etc. and she doesn't know. By small town I mean 40-70,000, so smallish. (A)

and the college is entirely preternatural beings as well. But MC doesn’t know anything about this because her grandmother married a human and got the hell out of dodge, basically. Anyways the house has a ghost who is not loving the roommate life, and MC just figures she’s got a small kid breaking in and tries to make friends with what is basically an angsty Victorian dude who died young and is bitter* about it and fashion. Anyways I’m struggling with the whole town bit since I grew up in a city and I only lived near a small town once while in a tiny ass college in Indiana for a year. I know I want them to be pretty set in their ways, since a lot of them are super old, and kinda racist in a ‘human?!?!!?’ type way. But beyond that I’m fairly lost? Also plot is killing me. I have a lot of subplots (tea witch? Tea witch!) but no real major plot. Super rambly sorry, but any advice you’ve got would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so like, I realize 40,000 is not what most consider a small town, but I’m basing this off the town near where I went to school. So Madison, Indiana? Which has an amazing downtown totally visit worthy. Thanks again though!!

Or…12,000 people. Where on Earth did I get 40,000??? Sorry ignore that last one. 40,000…. wow.

Thanks for the kind words! I do my best–and don’t worry about rambly. I tend to get rambly, too. Let’s see what I can jump-start for you.

I’m going to start with finding plot in your setting and how to deal with your subplot ideas first and then move on to That Small Town Feeling™ under a cut, if that’s okay.

Finding Plot

Plot is all about finding the story, and the story is sorting out what you want to talk to the audience about. If you’re just looking to show off the town and the scenarios the character has to deal with as she learns where she’s moved to, then you’re probably not looking for a huge, high-stakes, world-changing kind of story–you might be looking for smaller things to showcase the supernatural abilities and characteristics of the people around her.

It might help to think of this more in terms of shorter story arcs that overlap to create a larger picture of her life in this new, strange place. The old SyFy show Eureka is probably a good place to start looking to get a feel for the way these kinds of shorter-arcs-to-paint-a-larger-picture look.

Think about what her goals are in this new place. Why did she come? What is she trying to do? Is she trying to make new friends so she can feel more like she belongs? Is she trying to fix up the house so she can sell it? Is she looking for a job so she can actually afford to live here?

What kinds of conflicts do these goals create with the people in town? Are there folks who are actively opposed to her being in town? How do they react toward her? How do they keep standing in her way? Are there others who welcome her and go out of their way to give her opportunities, thus creating a bit of inter-town tension?

Some of the best initial conflict is going to be with the ghost in the house, obviously. So think about what his goals are and what he wants. How does he go about trying to accomplish those goals? Does he have friends that help him? This doesn’t have to be the whole story arc; at some point she’ll have to find out the nature of the town she’s arrived in, and the arc of dealing with a ghost rather than rowdy kids won’t be so important or intriguing. So how does their relationship change once she finds out his nature? Does he ever help her with anything?

What kinds of conflicts do the creatures’ natures provide for your character? Does she accept their mythic natures well? Does she take it poorly? How do these new identities change how she sees the town or how she interacts with it.

Struggling with “the story you want to tell” but not worldbuildingConcept Is Not PlotFrom Concept to PlotGetting Started with Your Story from @plotlinehotlineThe GOTE MethodHow to Transform Raw Inspiration Into a Solid Novel Plan from David Safford20 Basic Plots from @thewritershandbookNaNo Overview Week: Conflict Resources from @writeblrconnectionsBuilding Tension with the Six Key Components from @hollyhamwrites5 Moral Dilemmas That Make Characters and Stories Even Better

Handling the Ideas

For the ideas about other real Characters™ in town like your tea witch and whatnot, these are perfect characters for scenes! You can explore them through your character’s curiosity without having the weight of building an entire complex plot out for them. If, as you’re writing, they become a recurring character, then consider what they’re doing in the time they’re not “on-screen” with the main story. What are they pursuing? What are they trying to accomplish with their life? What kinds of troubles are they going through?

Not all of their story has to go on the page, but throwing in moments where a character may see them on the street exiting a store, or wearing a new pendant they were given by a partner, or cleaning up a mess made in an attempt at magic (or something) will help to give depth to the character and a feeling that the town continues to live and move and breathe while you take your audience away from them for scenes elsewhere.

If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, think about how these various smaller side characters and ideas interact with what your main character is trying to achieve. Can you build threads of other things going on that your main character only sees parts of that later become the main character’s focus once she’s started to settle in to the weirdness of the town.

If a selkie’s backyard above-ground pool springs a leak and collapses, blocking off the street out of the character’s neighborhood, you’ve not only created an obstacle toward your main character’s goals, but also provided a hook for your character to go do something with that character. Or maybe several side characters are working together toward something, and while you follow the main character’s struggle with a fae contractor’s refusal to install wrought iron railings in the antique staircase, the side characters’ plan fails and things happen in town that the main character has to handle or is impacted by later when she’s out trying to accomplish something else.

Small Town Feeling

Okay, so Madison, IN is just shy of 12,000 people, like you said. In your initial ask, though, you mention the town for your story being approximately 40-70,000 people, which is a rather large difference. So I’m not entirely sure if you mean to base your story off 12,000 or ~55,000, but I assume you’re going for kind of the smaller end of things, maybe 30-45,000.

I grew up moving every two years, and I’ve lived in two towns of the size you’re talking about, and in fact, one of those two towns is where I’m living now, so I’m fairly well equipped to talk to you about some things about towns that size. (One was ~60,000; where I live now is ~55,000 centered around a university, with a small add-on town that’s growing into this one that’s ~14,500.) My grandparents also live in a small university town that’s a little over 30,000 whom I visit on a regular basis. Unfortunately, none of these were in the south–they’ve all been in the west–so while I’ve been in the south, I’m not entirely sure how some of these things change for that locality. Obviously, these are generalizations; they can be twisted, bent, exaggerated, ignored, whatever you want to fit your story. It’s all believable here.

Everybody knows where everything is in town, and they forget that new folks don’t know that the Brass Rail restaurant used to be an old train station. This means that people always say things like, “Oh, it’s down where [a non-existent store] used to be.” And that means nothing to the new person. “Great. What’s around it now?” Or, “Have you been to that new place where the [non-existent thing] was?” …. “Maybe?? Where is it?”

There are a couple of “main drags” in town, and at least two of them involve the street names “Main” and/or “Center.” The rest are named after location-relevant historical people or places. There’s usually the commercial drag, the old downtown drag, and the university drag. (I mention this one particularly because you mentioned there’s a college in this town. There are distinctly different amenities around the university than around the rest of the town.) They vary in how nice they are and take pride in either their ability to maintain the facilities (in the commercial districts) or in how long they’ve survived in the town (in the old downtown districts).

Changes at the university are the Talk of the Town forever and people who work at the university never get to hear of anything else because everyone wants your opinion on the latest department name changes and the removal of the extremely-dangerous-but-extremely-nostalgic landmark on campus. Universities and colleges employ a lot of people, so parking hang-tags are a common sight around town, and can be a hot-ticket item for car theft. If someone new moves to town, it’s safe to assume they’re either a student, a university employee, or working at one of the packing plants (or in our case, the semi-conductor plant) in town. People will talk about those changes for years past when anyone cares.

Stores tend to be a mix of mainstream and homegrown. Where I live right now is about 50/50, but the smaller it gets, the more homegrown stores there’ll be. And a lot of those homegrown stores will have strange stock lists. You’ll get a yarn store with hardware in the corner, and an old-fashioned candy store attached to a specialty clothing boutique attached to a seasonal decorations store. It can get weird and quirky.

Going to other nearby towns/cities isn’t a big deal. Everybody has to go at some point for something, because there just isn’t a shop for everything in town. Driving an hour (probably closer in the south, tbqh; the west is very far-flung) to the next town isn’t new, and it’s not treated as anything special. You just do it.

Roads are not in great condition and they never will be. Smaller towns do not have the monetary infrastructure to be able to keep the roads nice even within town, and that means all over town, not just isolated to poorer communities within town. The main drags may have pot holes or sink holes open up that are enough to take out your car, and it may take months for the city to fix them. And even then? The fix was pouring road surfacing into the hole until it looked level, but that road surfacing isn’t concrete and it sinks and compresses over time. That pot hole will be back in a matter of days, weeks, or months if you’re lucky. It won’t be as bad, but it sure will dip your car.

The streets don’t make sense sometimes. Some sections do–some are convenient grids, particularly around the university–but some sections are weirdly meandering. Some parts of town seem to be where the state decided to dump all their one-way signs, which results in either a lot of backtracking or out-of-towners driving the wrong way. Stop signs are common. Stop lights are reserved for major drags and intersections, otherwise it’s a 4-way stop. But it does seem like the city is always evaluating whether they need a stop light–the long black wires stretched across a street to gauge how many cars drive through are very common–regardless of whether one actually gets put in. Where sections of town grew into each other wind up with really weird junctions, and sometimes they get nicknamed. “It’s in that complex of buildings down by the wiggly bit” is a legit direction to give someone. Don’t worry about your town layout being perfect. Downtowns are particularly notorious for poor layout.

Special note: My town is where the state comes to test new road layouts, interchanges, and junctions, so we have a lot of weirdness going on. When I say don’t worry about your layout, I freaking mean it. Towns are weird.

Roads are 2-lanes most of the time, by which I mean 1 lane each way. Main drags are usually 4 (2 both ways) with a middle turn lane for a total of 5. That’s it. It doesn’t usually get bigger than that, and that’s usually at the commercial drag.

Outside city limits isn’t that far away, and while it’s mostly farms and whatnot, there are reasons to head out that way. Sometimes it’s faster to go out to the back roads to get home than it is to go down the main drags.

There’s an absurd amount of pride for something trivial about the town. There’s a festival each year for something weird. There’s events around town for things that would never happen elsewhere. The farmer’s market is A Destination (it’s nothing particularly special, but folks talk about it like it is). The rotary club is a visible entity (and it’s a little weird just how visible they are).

There’s a definite culture about the town. Attire for certain events heightens or relaxes depending on not only the size of town but the location within the country. There are expectations about How Things Are Done that don’t change. Holding on to the past is how they know they’ve survived, so they cling to it. There’s a prevailing slant of political opinions and religious practice, with a small smattering of other minorities that most folk ignore. Some of those minorities are LOUD, though, and that can grate on folks. In a university town, they tend to be a bit more accepting of other ways of life and belief, but mostly because “accepting” can just be “ignoring without actively disliking.” Don’t rock the boat and we won’t rock you.

You are known. This obviously isn’t a thing isolated to small towns, but it’s noticeable. People in towns this size all mingle in the same places–everybody has habits and routines, and you become a part of that with time. You wind up with relationships with your serving staff at restaurants and you know when certain grocery store clerks have their shifts. Heck, I don’t go in to the Perkins here in town that often, but the manager knows me and comes to talk, and when I need to reserve space for our NaNo group every November, I don’t even have to say anything. When I come in in October, she just sits down at my table with her book to schedule the group in. I left a scarf there and when I came in three days later, she just handed it to me over the counter without me having to see if they’d seen it. People know you, and the world is small: They know everybody else, too.

There are a few well-known figures in town that maybe not everyone has met, but they all know who they are. The McKee family runs the pet store and plant nursery on the main drag, and they’ve been running it so long that when you say you’re a McKee, everyone asks you about the store. Gloria Howell is the best real estate agent in town and everybody got their house from her. Tom runs one of the coffee shops downtown but he’s also the in-town LGBTQIA+ front-man, so to speak. Everybody knows him and everybody’s got their opinions.

If there’s anything more specific you’re looking for advice on in regards to your town, please let me know. These are just basic generics since the question wasn’t very specific. Good luck and have fun! -Pear

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they��d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.

[oumakokichi]

Sayaka didn't have much of a motivation to end the killing game, but she was close to Naegi in the first chapter. Twogami was more motivated to protect everyone, yet he did get a bit closer to Hajime, nearer his death. Amami, I'm not so sure. He was certain he would end the killing game, however as I haven't played V3, I'm curious about how close he was to Kaede. I thought he was close; having a link between twogami and Maizono. Shuichi may have been closer to Kaede than Amami was. Thoughts?

Amami isn’t particularlyclose with Kaede within the actual plot of ndrv3. Or rather, they don’tcanonically spend a lot of time together. You can spend a few FTEs with him,but that’s about it; Saihara and Kaede spend more time together over the courseof those two days mostly because Saihara keeps tracking Kaede down and asks herto help him with his plan to try and expose the ringleader.

The real tragedy of it though is that Amami and Kaede dodemonstrate some interest in each other, but their biggest undoing is ultimatelytheir lack of communication. Both of them have good chemistry when they dointeract, and both of them find the other to be reliable. In fact, during herFTEs with Amami, Kaede actually seems to find him more far more reliable thanSaihara, stating that it’d be cool if Amami’s talent was SHSL Mystery Novelistand saying that she doesn’t think Saihara would be nearly as good at solvingmysteries as him.

The general feeling is that the two of them have quite a lotin common and would make a pretty good match—but ultimately, there’s a limit tohow close they can get. The problem lies with the killing game itself. Becauseof the paranoia and skepticism that the killing game inspires, they’re unableto fully trust each other or communicate with each other. And because they bothwant to stop the killing game, they both take it upon themselves to do sowithout relying on anyone else, and that’s what leads to their downfall.

Amami has the map of the school and memo to himself on hissecond Monopad, which provides him with plenty of additional information thatnone of the others have. But because he can’t remember almost anything abouthis talent or backstory, he’s unable to trust anyone else in the group,including himself, so he doesn’t confide in anyone about what he knows.Meanwhile, despite Kaede’s claims that she believes in Saihara and in the restof the group as a leader, she’s actually unable to fully do so. Although shecertainly wants to be depended on as a leader, her cynicism wins out everytime, and that’s why she comes up with a plan to kill the ringleader withouttelling anyone else around her.

Had the two of them worked together or communicated aboutwhat they were trying to do, it’s possible they could’ve avoided beingmanipulated by the ringleader so thoroughly. They might’ve decided to wait andsee what happened, or tried to come up with a different plan entirely, andKaede might’ve decided that murder wasn’t her best option after all. But lackof trust and communication is a huge recurring motif in ndrv3; paranoia isrampant and insidious and it’s usually a direct cause of the killing gameitself. Almost all the characters talk loudly and openly about trusting eachother and working together, but it’s just that: talk. They can’t actually trustnearly as much as they want to, and that’s something they often hate admittingto.

One thing your question made me realize that I hadn’t beforethough is an interesting coincidence between our three Chapter 1 victims.Rather than wanting to end the killing game at all, Maizono is actually bestdescribed as the character who kickstarted the whole thing. Junko even directlyrefers to her as “the spark” that started the killing in one of her conversationswith Sakura. Maizono’s descent into paranoia and her urgent need to return tothe outside world made her the most desperate one of her classmates, and theone who first fell into Junko’s trap by making up her mind to try and killsomeone else.

She “despaired,” in other words, and that despair was itselfunpredictable and highly enjoyable to Junko, who hadn’t known for sure whetheranyone would break first or whether she’d have to rely on Sakura as the traitorto kill someone in Chapter 1. So Maizono was without a doubt someone who helpedstart the killing game, rather than someone who wanted to end it.

Twogami meanwhile is arguably someone who didn’t want tostop the killing game so much as he wanted to prevent it from ever starting inthe first place. He inserted himself as a leader figure into the group so muchbecause he wanted to thoroughly cut off all possibilities of his classmatesresorting to desperate measures and falling right into the mastermind’s trap—andquite honestly, if Komaeda hadn’t been part of the group, then I think he mightactually have succeeded.

He was extremely thorough and covered all his bases intrying to watch over his classmates and prevent them from doing anything rash.Rather than trusting them all blindly the way the ndrv3 characters are inclinedto do with one another, Twogami didn’t trust anyone completely but rather triedto keep a cautious eye on all of them. Only a factor like pure luck could’veintervened in his plans; there was literally no way he could’ve circumventedsomeone like Komaeda, who worked openly and actively in Chapter 1 to try andstart the killing game. So Twogami is an interesting Chapter 1 victim in thathe wanted to prevent the killing game from starting, rather than starting ithimself or putting an end to it once it had already begun.

Meanwhile, Amami is arguably the first Chapter 1 victim we’vehad who really did want to put an unarguable end to the killing game, once andfor all. This makes sense, as he’s also the only character we’ve had whoparticipated in a killing game before and managed to come out alive (notcounting dr3, which wasn’t exactly a “conventional” killing game in the firstplace and didn’t work according to the rules that the dr1, sdr2, or ndrv3killing games do).

We know very little about the specifics of what Amami wentthrough in his v2 killing game, other than that he seems to have realized the traphe fell into after he made the choice to pick “hope” at the end. The two-personrule in ndrv3 states that only two people can graduate from Saishuu Academy,regardless of how many survivors there are in the final showdown against theringleader. This means that in order for two people to graduate at all, thesurvivors have to determine “sacrifices” amongst themselves. And thosesacrifices are “punished” in order to let the chosen two survivors graduate.

While most characters assume that the punishment is anexecution like always, Amami’s video message to himself helps Saihara realizethat actually, the “sacrifices” are forcibly signed up for the next killinggame instead. This ensures that the killing game will keep going in an unendingcycle of entertainment, and guarantees that even if characters try to nobly “sacrifice”themselves, they’re actually just continuing the killing game rather andenabling it.

Amami, realizing this, tried to make it very clear tohimself in his video message that he could use his survival privileges to tryto “end the killing game.” Though, as he notes, in order to see the videomessage at all, the killing game would’ve had to progress enough for him toreach the 5th floor, which means he probably “already failed” if he let thegame carry on that far. What he wanted t was to end the game as early aspossible, using the map on his second Monopad which showed the entrance to theringleader’s secret lair in the library.

Interestingly enough, he seems to have wanted to end thekilling game without actually killing the ringleader, unlike Kaede. Amami’splan seems to have been much more centered around watching and waiting in thelibrary, and trying to expose the ringleader’s identity to the rest of thegroup once he knew it. After all, if he knew definitively who the ringleaderwas, he’d have been able to trust his other classmates a lot more as a result.

He was the first victim who actively sought to end thekilling game. It’s very interesting that, when compared side by side, our threefirst victims all tried to start the killing game, prevent the killing game,and end the killing game respectively. I wonder if it was intentional on Kodaka’spart or just an interesting series of coincidences—but either way, it was veryfun to notice and I wouldn’t have thought about it as much without yourquestion, anon! Thank you for stopping by!

[shysweetthing]

Hi I really loved your YOI fic "Call Everything on the Ice"! I was also just wondering, though, how long have you been studying Japanese? Could you give some advice or resources how you're learning? I'm planning on going to Japan for my Asian Studies degree and hope to learn Japanese (or at least get a head start) before taking that leap. Hope this isn't a bother!!! Thank you if you have the time to answer!!!

Okay, so perhaps people have noticed that I tend to overanswer things? Yes, yes, that happens.

Me: Maybe only explain this a little bit.Me to me: Who are we kidding? Have five, count ‘em, five separate numbered lists.

Answer to question #1: I’m at about *glances at watch* four and a half months of studying Japanese, and while I’ve been spending about 3-4 hours a day on this, I’m still really new. This means that I am inevitably doing something inefficiently and so you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. I haven’t been doing this very long and other people are much better resources!

That being said, my tendency to overexplain, my general pedantry (own it if you are it, whatever), and my deeply weird overanalytical brain means that maybe something I’ve done in breaking down my experience thus far will be helpful to you.

All five numbered lists below the cut.

Further disclaimers: I know how I learn and what I’m good at, and this means that I am really really good at telling when a course of study is Not Working For Me. This is because I am Relatively Tumblr Old and have learned a variety of relatively complicated things with a high degree of success in my lifetime.

It is very unlikely that your brain works like mine, and so to further qualify this, I’m going to tell you how my brain works.

1. For me, the death of learning is boredom. I cannot, repeat, cannot, do boring things for much longer than about five minutes. You could offer me a half-million dollars a year to do a job that has twenty hours of boring work a week and I would quit in desperation after two weeks. Or, more likely, I’d take the job and stay up nights for months on end automating it and then you’d fire me when you realized that I was now doing nothing at work except reading AO3 articles. This means that time-efficient but boring study methods are completely inaccessible to me. I don’t care how effective it is. If it bores me, it is not getting done.

2. I have an incredibly good recall for sounds, and a basic amount of musical training. One of the ways I used to commit things like relative electronegativity to memory was to make a song, because I could remember the most ridiculously long strings of information that way. Ditto for memorizing monologues in school. (This is relevant).

3. I have an absolutely excellent memory for other things, too, when I’m paying attention. If I’m not paying attention, I will remember nothing. (Yes, I’m on the ADHD spectrum–I hyperfocus like nobody’s business, and if I’m not hyperfocused you might as well fuck off because I’m not paying a lick of attention.) I am much more likely to trigger my hyperfocus with physical activity–either walking or writing things down.

4. I am very goal focused. Give me just about any concrete goal and I will make a spreadsheet detailing how to get from point A to point B with every intermediate step in the way, which I will adjust on a biweekly basis to correspond to my progress and what I learn. My goal in this case was to be able to understand spoken Japanese well enough to get the gist of the raw Yuri on Ice feeds so that I didn’t have to wait 3+ hours for the Crunchyroll translations by the time Season 2 came around.

5. I am the person who will spend 40 hours fixing a persistent problem that takes me one minute of boring work every month. I am so damned impatient that I’ll spend three hours a day every day for two years so that I don’t have to wait three hours. Let’s hear it for the few, the proud, the delightedly inefficient.

6. Along the lines of hating boredom: I absolutely love figuring out how things work, and so I tend to jump onto solutions that prioritize understanding how a system works first and then moving from there to increasing fluency. I will happily spend 10 hours figuring out how something works even if it only saves me an hour of time. You’ll see what I mean a little later.

7. Also along the lines of having ADHD: I need to feel that I am accomplishing things along the way, which means that if I’m taking on a two-year project, I need to be able to point to things that I am accomplishing along the way, or I will get frustrated and give up. In this regard, I am like a small child. If I can’t pinpoint an immediate benefit to something, I get frustrated and give up. From experience, I have gotten very good at pinpointing accomplishments so that I am constantly affixing little medals to my own chest, but it also means that I “waste” (in some senses of the word) time doing things that probably are more about keeping my mental state chugging along.

8. This bears mentioning, but one thing about my being old and being good at fixing persistent problems? I have disposable income, and only about half of it goes toward purchasing Victor nendoroids. Some of the resources I list here cost money. I am naturally cheap–I don’t like spending money if I don’t have to–but I have learned to be cheap with my time, and to value people who provide useful or lovely things.

9. I am deeply introspective. If something is worth analyzing in my mind, it’s worth overanalyzing to death.

Okay, enough about me! Here are my thoughts on what I have done so far to learn Japanese, which I’m going to divide into sections.

Listening to Japanese (with some speaking)

I’m not going to have the temerity to explain spoken Japanese at this point, so google elsewhere. Here are useful resources:

1. JapanesePod101.com: https://www.japanesepod101.com I started a one-week free subscription to this site at the beginning of the year when I knew basically nothing, and then they had a huge membership sale at the beginning of the new year which I glommed onto immediately. I listen to about 4-6 podcasts a day–when I’m driving, when I’m out for a walk, when I’m shopping. I shadow the Japanese parts (this is what shadowing is: http://learnanylanguage.wikia.com/wiki/Shadowing). I listen. There are criticisms you could make of this podcast, but it’s rarely boring, the people on it are likable, and the lessons once Naomi-sensei gets on board are fantastic.

2. Crunchyroll. This is one of those “need accomplishment” things that I use regularly. Some people advocate putting anime on as background and letting your brain cogitate; my brain is EXTREMELY good at not paying attention to things and so I don’t think this would be effective for me. I watch anime. I’ve gone from maybe sometimes hearing a name, to understanding set phrases like Victor saying “Ohayou!” or Yuuri saying “Tadaima” to (at this point) being able to understand the simple sentences, and pick words out of the complex ones. I pause a lot, for instance, when I understand all the words in a sentence but one. I try to sound the word I think I heard out in a Japanese-to-English dictionary (tangorin.com is free, I think?), and if that doesn’t work, in google translate (sometimes it’s two words, and that makes it hard to look up).

3. I try to watch ice skating videos in Japanese. There are some that have subtitles in Japanese and English, too, which is cool.

Independent skills that I have had to actively force myself to learn in order to listen to Japanese properly (still working through this list):

1. Timing things. English (or any of the other languages I’ve studied) isn’t overly concerned with syllable length or breaks between syllables. That makes it hard to distinguish between a two-mora vowel and a one-mora vowel, or to make your mind pay attention to the small-tsu break. You have to really work to pay attention to train your mind that this is important and it needs to stop filtering those things out. It took me probably two months to retrain my mental filters, which I mostly did by banging my head against trying to figure out what words I heard, trying different combinations, and then going back to the word I heard and relistening to it once i figured out what it was, until I was hearing the thing I wasn’t hearing.

2. Vowels. In English, we can mess around with vowels a LOT and it works just fine as long as the consonants are vaguely in the right place. That’s why people can write sentences with misplaced/swapped out vowels and your mind will basically make sense of it anyway–because we use consonants a lot to tag words. This means that a brain fed a diet of mostly English squishes a lot of vowels together into one mushy sounding sound. It’s why some people hear “Hai” as “Hi” and not as a two-mora, two vowel sound. There’s a point at the end of episode 4 where Yuuri says something like “Victor and my season is finally beginning,” and I understood all the words except 'finally,’ so I tried to sound out the word I heard that was probably 'finally’ as an exercise. I tried EVERY FREAKING COMBINATION of “よよ” and “ようよ” and “ようよう” and finally realized that I just wasn’t hearing the two-vowel combination properly: “いよいよ.” Again, the way I dealt with this except to repeatedly force myself to do exercises like this again and again while listening, sounding out what I heard and then listening to it again and again when I was wrong until I could hear the thing I missed.

3. Pitch accent. In English, pitch plays a role in intonation, and there are accepted pitches, but there’s a lot more pitch variation, and we mostly use stress to indicate meaning. In Japanese, pitch is far more important, with relative pitch between words being important, and increasing differences in pitch indicating increasing importance. It took me about a month into trying to learn Japanese to hear the words “pitch accent” and then another month to start really paying attention to words to try and determine the pitch accent, and then only very recently, discovering resources that break down what pitch accent is and what the rules are to it (OMG I didn’t know there were rules, I love rules!) in a way that made me say, yes, this is amazing. You want to visit Dogen’s site for this: https://www.patreon.com/dogen/posts – I found his videos accidentally, but they’re amazing. The first handful are free; the next handful, you need to pledge to his Patreon. Some of the things he says are difficult for English speakers to learn are not difficult for me–I suspect because I have basic musical training, and it turns out that those lessons where I learned to identify intervals taught me to hear pitch changes.

4. Language parsing. The thing I’m working on now is a straight-up language parsing issue. English functions much like a stack: Words go on the stack in the right order, and your brain assigns function and meaning on the basis of where in the stack they land, and improper stacking leads to breakdown. Stack issues in English are why it’s completely fine to say “friendly little brown fluffy Japanese dog” but “Japanese friendly fluffy brown little dog” is just wrong. English is, to use a metaphor that will be almost completely inaccessible to the current generation, rather like the BASIC I used on the Commodore 64–executed in mostly linear fashion with a handful of awkward and inelegant GOTOs that I only learned to cringe at when I took a computer science course many years later. Japanese also has a little bit of a stack issue, but a stack-parsing order is inappropriate. In a sense, it feels closer to a language in which particles function as meta-tags. It feels…more appropriate, I guess? to parse from particle to particle and from conjugation to conjugation. Japanese is closer to Java in many, many ways. I figured out that I needed to parse differently about a month ago, and have been slowly working on upgrading my internal interpreter.

5. Next stages: A lot of Japanese is indirect, and so absorbing indirect equivalents (or where there is none, getting the gist) is probably going to be a lifelong process.

Speaking

1. Some people like talking to other people. I hate it with a burning passion. I prefer people who use pixels. I did try a Japanese Skype conversation partner through italki.com. It was very, very useful. I learned a lot. I hated it so much that I have myself permission to not do it for another few months. (I do use italki to practice the other language I know–where I’m fluent enough that I can have an actual conversation about, like, the constitutionality of Trump’s executive order on immigration, for instance, instead of the name of someone’s rabbit. I don’t particularly hate that.)

2. I talk to myself, out loud, a lot in Japanese, even if I only say very stupid things. I try to express things I don’t know how to say.

3. I give my cat orders in Japanese. He listens to me in Japanese as often as he does in English, so this is a huge success.

4. I am not great at speaking, partially because my goal is not to be able to speak to people.

Reading and Writing

1. You’re gonna have to memorize the Kana. Just do it. I did it, and I hate boring things.

2. I spent some time looking at various speed-Kanji-learning methods, like Remembering the Kana, WaniKani, and Kanji Damage. The most useful thing I got was this description of Kanji from KanjiDamage http://www.kanjidamage.com/introduction and the description of Kanji as an orthography: http://www.kanjidamage.com/kanji_facts. This made me think of Kanji as words composed of radicals laid out on a two-dimensional canvas, as compared to English, where words are are composed of the letters of the alphabet on a one-dimensional canvas. Once I saw that, then you see that some connections and combinations are meaningful in the same way that evocative, advocacy, and vocal are related. Some connections are totally illusory and trying to find meaning or explanation for it is a fool’s game. Having understood that, I tried the basic method behind these and found that it did not work at all for me because it was boring as all get out, and I didn’t feel like I was learning anything (even though I was).

3. My current method is absolutely not the most efficient but I am making headway with it. It goes like this: find really easy reading materials, and learn the words that are in it. It took me about a month before I could read even the most basic of texts. (I started with the graded Japanese readers, level 0). Is this method of learning words scattershot as fuck? YES. ABSOLUTELY. But I feel like I’m accomplishing things because I am reading books, and I am willing to accept substantial amounts of inefficiency if it results in continued motivation.

4. At some point–my guess is somewhere around the one year mark–I’m going to have to transition to something a little more systematic. My hope is that once I reach that point I will have encountered those kanji enough that I will feel like I’m forming connections, not just learning disparate disconnected material, and I will not be bored.

5. Along those lines, Anki is my everything. I do about 20 cards a day, which means I’m learning around 70 words a week. Some of these words are great, like 難しい or 簡単. Some of those words are skating related, like 4回転トエループ. Some of those words are just really random things that showed up in the graded reader and I learned it because I’m stubborn, like 苦汁 (“bittern,” or a concentrated solution of magnesium chloride) or 納豆菌 (bacillus subtilis natto, the bacteria used to ferment soybeans into natto).

6. My Anki vocabulary cards have the English word on the front. On the back, I have the word in either hiragana or katakana, color-coded according to pitch accent, a recording of the word in Japanese, the kanji for the word, and sometimes the stroke order for the kanji. Yes, I write down the kanji–my memory is triggered by using muscles, including a pencil, and so this works for me.

7. This is what one of my Anki cards looks like, minus the spoken recording + stroke order. Blue is low pitch, red is high pitch, and the color of the heart at the end indicates the pitch of the particle at the end. It would be way more efficient to import other people’s Anki decks but I am (in addition to all the stuff mentioned above) deeply demand resistant and I only want to learn things that I have decided I should learn, with the precise information I want, no more, no less. I end up resenting other people’s flashcards so much that I’m stuck wasting time doing my own.

8. I’m also using a textbook (みんなの日本語). My textbook work lags substantially behind my comprehension, as driven by JapanesePod101, mostly because it’s boring until I understand it well enough to not have to stop and check every damned thing all the time. It is good to do exercises, though, and then to use the exercises as templates for saying and writing my own sentences which are of far greater interest.

Um, I think that’s everything I have for now?

Welcome to my brain.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE:  Yes this one is super short, too. Sorry! Next one will be better.

Let's skip to a couple days later. Not much else happened other than smarmy grossness. Of course, that still wouldn't be the usual level of pure, grade-A Canadian maple sap given that I was part of the relationship, but it was cute. Lots of takeout and movies, gaming, snuggling. Things that I had to get used to since none of my previous significant others had ever stuck around long enough.

Well… other than Scott.

Maybe that's why he was on my mind so much during that time. Literally the only other long-term relationship I'd had was him, and we were in high school, trying to figure ourselves out as much as we were trying to figure out each other and how to combine those two factors. Opening up those memories was like watching him drive away all over again, but I kept doing it. Had to figure out if there was some weird nugget of truth in there somewhere that could help me figure out how not to fuck everything up with Knives.

Scott and I didn't "date" much. It was definitely a benefriends situation; we were buds who started boinking in the back of my parents' car. So all of our activities were about the same as they had been before; practicing music, hanging out with Lisa Miller. We didn't do much that was coupley other than holding hands and sex. From what I heard, Scott got all those romantic experiences from Natalie after he dropped me like a bad habit.

So why did I keep thinking about him if there wasn't much wisdom to be had? Because I didn't have any other experiences to compare it with.

I'm pretty pathetic. But at least I had someone to call and ask for advice. He might not be the most monogamous person I know, but he is a flaming queer, and has had more success in the dating arena than pretty much anyone else in my extended circle. Maybe using my phone-a-friend lifeline counted as cheating, but when working with such a severe handicap, I figure it all shakes out.

                                                            ~ o ~

"Well, well, well," Wallace Wells half-purred in that voice of his. You know the one. "The redhead."

"That is the colour of my hair, yes," I grumbled.

"Didn't expect to ever hear from you again once Ess Bee Bee and that other thing broke up. See you around in that bump-into-people-you-knew-through-people-in-Honest-Ed's way, sure…"

Gripping my drumstick tighter as I sat on my drumset's seat — the seat of power, a place from which I drew comfort and ability to cope with life — I said, "Same. But I got your number from Stacey, because… I need help."

"'Fraid I'm fresh outta that stuff."

"Help? You're 'out' of help. Really?"

"Yep. The generic kind. But if you elaborate, I might have a specific flavour blend in stock…"

He was definitely going to make me work for this. So I decided to stop being shy and cut through the double-talk and uncertainty. "I'm dating Knives."

The line was quiet for a moment. "That sounds painful. My advice is to buy plenty of bandages for when things get frisky."

"No, Knives Chau. Scott's ex."

"Oh!" he said in a pleasant tone of voice. Even now, I'm not totally sure whether he was trolling me or if he really didn't think I meant her the first time. "She was cute in a Pokémon trainer kind of way. Didn't think you played in the kiddie pool."

"She's in college now, you asshat. But I could use some advice."

"Advice for dating women? Fresh out of that, too."

Gritting my teeth, I said, "Wallace…"

"Alright, alright. So you're edging onto the Rainbow Road and you're afraid of flying off the side. I gotcha. Assuming that's the reason you called me instead of someone else you know…?"

"There's nobody else. Stephen's pretty much the only other person I could call, but he gives terrible advice. Hollie is in Nowhereville with Jason, who knows? And Steph… I just don't know her very well. Or maybe too well. I'm really not sure which."

"That makes me the bartender."

"What?"

"You know, the nameless bartender you tell all your deepest, darkest secrets to in hopes he can give you guidance because you're too blasted to figure out he couldn't care less about your life."

"Fine, nevermind. God, sorry to have bothered you."

But he was chuckling. "Alright, alright. I'm half-kidding; I barely know you and don't care that much, but you're family now. That has to be taken into consideration."

"I'm… family?"

"Gay family. A budding bisexual, right?"

"Y-yeah." I cleared my throat to get rid of that uncertain quaver. "I guess."

"We all start out 'guessing'. It's okay." He let out a long sigh, and there was the sound of something being moved around; he was probably working on something in his apartment, or at his job. Whatever that was. "How long have you two been having playdates?"

"A couple weeks, or whatever," I growled, ignoring the insult.

"How far have you gone?" When I let out a strangled noise, he reassured me, "For informational purposes only. Trust me, I'm not going to get off on two girls doing anything. If there's not at least one dick involved, it's off my curiosity list."

I started to correct him that one was involved, but again I felt that instinct to protect her identity kick in. Maybe I should ask her if she minded me telling people at some point. "Dry-humping. She's kind of… never done it, and I haven't done it with a girl. I swear, if you tell anyb-"

"Lips are sealed. Do you want it to go further?"

"YES! But I mean, only if she's ready."

"Good, that's good. I've had a hesitant date or two. No still means no, and that's more important than all the prep work in the world, but I have a couple ideas that could help get her in the mood."

That one hit me hard. Luckily, I just barely listened to her "no"s when we were drunk as skunks. Nodding as I chewed on my drumstick, I then put it down and said, "That'll help, but I'm actually more worried about… other stuff. Like, how to be in a relationship with a cute, bubbly, fun girl when I'm a vortex of despair."

"Opposites attract. Chances are, she already likes you because you're a vortex of despair. Not usually something people put on their eHarmony profile, though." But apparently, I had him curious. "What other stuff?"

"Dating. I suck at it. Like…" I tried to lower my defenses. "She's so sweet to me, and I feel like I'm just there. Sucking all the fun out of the room. I want her to feel what I feel. Or I guess, to show her that. Something."

"Awww, baby lesbians are so cute. Like puppies."

"Ugh…"

Then he sighed again, a long, floaty sigh of someone toying with someone else. Which would be me. "Alright, never fear — Wallaciraptor is here. Let's help you get rolling…"

                                                            ~ o ~

When Knives walked in the door, I could tell she was caught off-guard by the way her purse fell to the floor instead of being set down. "Kim? I… what's going on?"

"Nothing," I lied as I bent over to take the casserole out of the oven, showing off my bare ass. Just below the apron strings. Yes, I really did the cliché. Yes, it was super uncomfortable for me, since I'm not exactly a flesh-flashing kinda girl. But I thought, hey, it was worth a shot. "Making dinner."

Which was also part of the plan. There were multiple parts; I didn't know which one to try, so I tried everything. One big gesture to try and prove to both Knives and myself that I could be a girlfriend, and not just some drummer chick who acts like she's on the rag all the time.

"Yeah, but you're naked! I mean… almost!"

"You like it? I thought the green apron brought out my eyes." It still came out sounding sarcastic, even though I didn't mean for it to. My voice just sounds that way unless I'm actively suppressing the biting tone, and even then sometimes it bleeds through.

"Um…" Deciding not to comment on my butt, she turned toward the stove. "Smells great! We're having casserole?"

"Yes. And garlic bread. That's not done yet, though. And, um…" I glanced at my coffee table, where there was a cabernet open and "breathing" — Wallace's suggestion. I would have just put a couple of beers down to go with dinner, or at least uncorked the wine right before drinking it.

Knives walked over and touched one of the wine glasses with a finger. I got them from a dollar store specifically for this occasion, since I didn't own any before. Then she picked up the remote for the stereo system, which was pretty conspicuous because it was the only other thing on the table. "What's this do?"

"Hit 'play'," I said as I got out plates.

She did. And quiet, soft, romantic piano music started floating out of the speakers. Also from the dollar store, but I listened to the whole CD before using it to make sure it wasn't too terrible. She laughed… but it was a very specific, actual happy laugh. Not so much at my expense as just surprised at the situation, I guess.

"What is all this?" she asked as she went back over to kick off her work shoes and leave them by the purse. "Like… I thought we were just going to have cup ramen and watch TV."

"Wanted to try something else. Um… y-you'll have to tell me if it's any good. Never tried this recipe before." Hell, I don't think I'd ever cooked anything more complex than a frozen pizza in forever.

Once she was in the kitchen, she put her hand in the small of my back. "I'm sure I'll love it." Then she shivered and smiled shyly, withdrawing from the touch. "Not used to touching your skin like that."

"I can change if it's more comfortable for you. This was kind of just… y'know. The 'naked housewife fantasy' bit as a joke. Or maybe not a joke, if you liked it."

"Trying to get me in the mood?" she guessed with a slightly wry smile. When I flushed a little darker, she stopped smiling. "Wait… oh, is this really what that is?"

"Not exactly. But… kind of. I just… wanted to be a good girlfriend, or something like that. I dunno."

The silence was kind of tense. She didn't look angry, just a little confused and contemplating the whole situation. Then she glanced at the oven and back at me.

"How much longer? For the garlic bread."

"About another five. I'll be quick." Clearly, she wanted me in real clothes, which I already had laid out on my dresser. Ready for plan B.

And I was more okay with that than I first expected. Sure, it hurt a little that she didn't know how to feel about me being naked while we ate, but at the same time, neither did I. Just seemed like a weird idea. But Wallace swore it worked like a charm on this one guy he was dating, so I figured I'd give it a shot. No real harm.

Once I was wearing a nice white blouse and a long grey skirt, we got our plates loaded down with casserole and bread and moved things to the table, where we sat cross-legged and ate and drank. She told me about her day, and I told her about mine until the point at which I started getting dinner ready, which I didn't think was interesting — until she started demanding more details with her cute, patient way of doing everything. Incredibly, stories about me buying ingredients and wine glasses was actual entertainment for her.

And somehow, she managed to out-girlfriend me again. Shut up, I know it's not a competition… I know. But even after I drove like a thousand miles outside my comfort zone, hoping to really show her how much I cared and how much she meant to me, Knives was already there and had a jetpack to fly even further. She started doing the dishes as soon as we took our plates to the kitchen, said it was her turn to cook next time when I wasn't expecting it, asked if I had a long day, offered to rub my back when I moved my neck and made the world's tiniest wince… and she gave me the rub, and it felt so good. Told me I looked really cute in the outfit before I could ask. Sweetness and sunshine.

What kind of jerk was she to be so perfect?

                                                            To Be Continued…

[mental-health-advice]

I'm at a normal weight, I lead a very active lifestyle and I'm not exactly insecure about my appearance. I really love food and I've always eaten a lot, but for the past 2 months things have gotten a bit out of hand. Once I ate so much that I felt like I was exploting and I literally couldn't even breathe. So I made myself throw up. And from that moment, I couldn't stop. I always eat a lot, but I don't regret it like I fear I may gain weight, but I'm so uncomfortably full that I can't even -Mt 1

breathe, so I go and throw everything up immediately. I don't do this because I'm insecure, so I don't think it could be an eating disorder, I don't think I should seek professional help? However I am concerned, because I don't really eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Basically I just eat until I feel like exploding at like 3pm and then I throw up. I repeat the next day, this has been going on for like 2 months or so. I can't stop. I think it's because I love food and I love eating but I -Mt 2

don't think that's healthy. I just feel hungry and I eat because I love food, I eat a lot. Sometimes I don't even eat that much to the point I'm uncomfortably full, but I still can't stop myself from forcing myself to throw up. It's like after every bite I take I feel compelled to throw up now, after these 2 weird months. Do you have any advice? Thank you for your time and kindness! -Mt 3

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this! I’m not a professional so I can’t say whether this is to do with an eating disorder or disordered eating, but it definitely doesn’t sound very healthy and pretty harmful actually! Something I do want you to know is that eating disorders aren’t always about appearance! So that’s why I do think it’d be good to speak to a professional about that. Even if it isn’t an eating disorder, they can help you figure out what exactly is going on instead and make sure you get the proper help for it.

You might also want to consider speaking to a nutritionist. They can be of huge help with eating difficulties by having a look at your current diet and working with you on how you can be managing this all a bit better. They probably have a lot of tips that can help with not eating so much that you feel like exploding and stopping throwing up. So that’s something I’d definitely recommend you, whether you’re also going to see a professional or not!

So while I can’t say for sure, it does sound like you’re struggling with binge eating. Binge eating is, according to the DSM-5, characterised by the following:

Eating, in a discrete period of time, an amount of food that is larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances.

A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode.

Even though throwing up (purging) does point into the direction of bulimia, one diagnostic criteria of bulimia includes that self-evaluation is influenced by body shape and weight, which you say isn’t the case for you. That doesn’t mean that your struggles are any less valid though! It seems like throwing up has become an automatic response to feeling that full, and even to eating at all.

If you personally don’t feel like what you’re dealing with is binge eating, then it might be good to look into food addiction. Symptoms can include:

You end up eating more than planned when you start eating certain foods;

You keep eating certain foods even if you’re no longer hungry;

You eat to the point of feeling ill;

You worry about not eating certain types of foods or worry about cutting down on certain types of foods;

When certain foods aren’t available, you go out of your way to obtain them;

You eat certain foods so often in such large amounts that you start eating food instead of working, spending time with the family, or doing recreational activities;

You avoid professional or social situations where certain foods are available because of fear of overeating;

You have problems functioning effectively at your job or school because of food and eating;

When you cut down on certain foods, you have symptoms such as anxiety, agitation, and other physical symptoms.

(Source)

These are the general symptoms for any food addiction, although I do think that with the ‘certain foods’ they mention throughout those symptoms they consistently mean the foods that you’d be addicted to. While this would explain the eating until you feel like exploding, it wouldn’t quite explain the throwing up and I find it difficult to find an explanation for that, although I’m sure it’s there! I just really think it’s best to discuss this with a professional, instead of self-diagnosing (you can read our view about it here).

Even if you aren’t struggling with an eating disorder, it might be really helpful for you to check out our eating disorders page series, especially the page with self help tips, and the page with reasons why eating disorders suck. These pages don’t only apply to those struggling with eating disorders, but to anyone struggling with the behaviours that come with those eating disorders, including binging and throwing up, which is why I think it’d apply to you too!

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful lovely. I really do encourage you to reach out about this, because it definitely is a serious issue. You can read more about getting professional help here. Good luck with everything!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful

Love Pauline