#I love that it’s clearly platonic but also incredibly deep and vulnerable | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

violetnotez · 4 years ago

Text

Bakugo x reader

⤷ Genre: Fluff+small amount of angst

⤷ Word Count: 5307+

⤷ Warnings: Drunk reader, cursing, also reader+Bakugo will be aged up (early 20′s, cause no underage drinking in this house!)

⤷ Synopsis: Bakugo doesn’t have any feeling for you. You’re just one of his shitty friends and that’s it. He’s only picking you up from a bar after your breakup because you drunk called him and not because he’s worried you’ll get hurt. He doesn’t feel his heart pang when you say you want him to drive you to his apartment, not yours. He doesn’t completely turn beet red when he sees you change into his clothes.But, as much as he denies it, Bakugo realizes he loves you when you cry to him drunkenly , saying you wished you had a lover as sweet as him

This fic is for the @bnhabookclub Bingo Event! Here’s my masterlist to see all my work for this event! Also this was actually inspired by @shoutogepi HC of Bakugo and Kirishima taking care of their drunk s/o! I honestly loved this headcannons so much, and they really inspired me to write a more angsty sort of spin on it. Here’s a link to her post (I also explicitly asked her if it was alright to take inspiration from her headcannons, just in case!)

Bingo Slot: Realized Feelings

Bakugo stepped his foot deeper into the gas, the engine in his car roaring as it zoomed through the dark streets.

Damn you and your shitty decisions.

He had been woken up in the dead of the night to his phone ringing annoyingly against his bedside table. Your caller ID of “Cute Shithead” was shining brightly against his face, his finger immediately taking the call.

He had to admit, he was a little annoyed for you calling him so damn early in the morning, but hearing your voice immediately melted any irritation. By the way your words slurred together, you sounded completely wasted. That alone could turn him into a worried frenzy, but the tone of your voice sent ice down his spine.

You sounded so lonely, so defeated, as if you had lost all hope and were giving up.

He rammed his foot again into the gas, following the directions to the club you said you were at as closely as possible over the roar of his engine.

He was just being a decent friend and helping you out, he told himself. There was no other reason why he was helping you...it wasn’t because his heart practically dropped at the sound of your voice, or how he felt his chest tighten when you said “Please come get me Katsuki”

Or that you had called him, not anybody else, to come and get you. It was all platonic-he had to keep telling himself that.

He hastily pulled into the parking lot, his car swerving into a spot a little too haphazardly. He yanked the keys from the vehicle, closing the inky black door with a thud as he looked at the building in front of him.

A bright, Neon green sign lit up the roof, a line of club goers filtering through as they waited for the bouncer to allow them in. It was pretty late in the night-2 am to be exact-so more people were stumbling out of the club than actually going on.

Bakugo quickly began to walk over to the establishment, his body weaving through drunken couples clambering to their cars or taxis. He was searching everywhere, helplessly trying to find your face in every person he saw.

Where the hell were you?

Bakugo turned to his side, looking at the asphalt that lead into the club. There were parking spots right there, all empty, probably for Ubers and Lyfts to come pick up people who had ordered them. THere were a few people sitting on the curb, waiting for their rides as they sat on their phone or blabbered drunkenly to their friends.

But then he spotted a familiar body, their shoulders slump down in exhaustion, their eyes downcast in defeat. He quickly made his way over, knowing exactly who that body belonged to.

“Shit y/n, the hell are you doing here by yourself-“

He quickly bent down, looking at you square in the face.

You gave him a weak smile, your eyes so full of relief and sadness he felt his heart ping from your expression.

He had to admit- you looked like a wreck. Your once meticulously curled hair was frizzy and in shambles from dancing, your makeup splotchy in places and black coating under your eyes.

HIs calloused hands wrapped around your waist, his other arm gently pulling your free hand around his neck for support. He felt like he was moving a ragdoll-you complied with each of his movements, your body resting against his as if you depended on him

“Well, I did have some f-friends… with me…” your murmured out, your voice thick from sleep deprivation and alcohol.

“And the hell are they?”

“-they left a few hours ago…” you slurred,” I said I’d stay… a little longer”

Bakugo began to walk you to his car, the walk more like a stumble as he tried to guide you on your wobbling feet. He felt his insides heat up with an intense flame of rage, licking up and consuming his insides. How the hell could your ‘friends’ just leave you? THis was nothing like you, to be so impulsive that you became incredibly vulnerable in public. Something was seriously wrong with you, something you had to be going through.

“Shitty friends for leaving you like this.” he replied gruffly, making no attempt to hide his obvious anger. “Are you okay? Did anybody try and do anything funny to you?”

He was worried, he had to admit that to himself- you were clearly in a wrong headspace in a pretty sketchy place. Anything could go wrong, and he wanted to make sure that nothing happened.

Not because the idea of you dancing with another guy makes him want to punch a wall.

Or trying to lure you to his apartment made him want to yell and break that imaginary mans jaw, in order to keep you safe in his arms.

Nope-strictly platonic.

You scoffed at the blonde's words, a harsh chuckle spilling out of your chapped lips. “Of course Bakugo, everybody here wants to grope the girl who looks like she’s been crying all day-

“I’m fine-really”

Somehow, even with your slurring words and clouded mind, these words were the first sober syllables you had uttered.

But- if you were fine, you wouldnt be going to a club this late at night. You would have been smart enough to at least stay alert, not completely wasted, and you definitely wouldn't be by yourself. Your werent fine, and Bakugo knew it, because you werent being you.

He was impulsive, irrational, and went with his gut feeling, even if it was a stupid or dangerous idea. You on the other hand, were like his better half: calm yet forceful, a commanding tide to soothe the volcanic eruptions of his anger.

But now you were different, a choppy whirlpool of emotions that were locked away deep inside you, the effects changing your once calm and rational demeanor into something saddened and desperate.

Bakugo gave you a long look, his red eyes slanted as he tried to read what was on your mind.

He stopped your two’s trudging, finally being in front of his car.

A protest was dying to spill from his lips, to retort and fight back the obvious lie you had just uttered. But something in your tired voice made him falter, making him feel more empathy for you than frustration

“Okay then…” he sighed, “let’s get you home,”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ

It was unnervingly quiet.

Bakugo had the music off, worried that the thumping bass would aggravate any possible headache you had as you curled up in the seat beside him, your high heeled shoes long forgotten on the floor of his car.

He drove much more smoothly than before, his eyes desperately trying to focus on the road. He wasn't used to this kind of you-he missed your smile, and the way you would joke and laugh with him. Of course he would act like he didn't like it, giving you snarky comments and off handed insults that would only push you even more to joke with him.

Now he felt like he was next to a shell of you- you were there, right next to him, but- You weren't there. Your smile, your spirit, your light- it was being blocked by some darkness inside you.

“Are-are you mad at me Katsuki?”

You finally spoke to him, making Bakuo’s eyes wide and his heart stop in his chest.

Why did you sound so timid?

Bakugo continues to glue his eyes on the road, his voice gruff yet uncertain.

“The hell I’d be mad at you for?”

“I don’t know…” you replied softly, “you just sounded-mad”

Shit- now he felt guilty, making you feel worse than you probably already did. It was just that he was worried, and sometimes his emotions came out quicker than his words. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you out of all people could act like this.

“Well, I’m not mad at you-I’m just-“ he sighed, trying to find the words.

“- the hell were you out that late? The club scene isn’t your thing”

You shifted uncomfortably in the seat next to him, cuddling yourself in closer to your body.

“I thought I told you-” you answered sadly, ‘I got dumped”

Bakugo blinked a couple times, the shock vibrating throughout his body. He knew you had a boyfriend, apparently Shindo Yo, the damn pretty boy of another hero agency. You were his closest friend after all, so he dealt with the news as best he could, but Bakugo has never liked the guy. He always chalked it up to him being protective over you as your friend, but the way he used to feel so angry and so frustrated whenever he saw you hold hands or hug made him want to scream. A small amount of happiness filled up his chest by hearing you say you were single, instantly making him feel guilty as he saw how distraught you were.

“The hell-“ he gulped out quickly, “what for?”

“Dont know..” you sighed, your face contorted in a grimace, “he-he said he needed to focus on his career-and that-that I was going to stop him from achieving his goals-”

Bakugo instantly felt anger erupt in his chest, his hands becoming clammy against the leather steering wheel.

“Wait-that dickwad, Shindo Yo, right? The damn extra won't amount to nothing, the hell he-”

He was rambling, the spiteful words spewing from his lips. He just couldn’t understand why your piece of shit of a boyfriend would dump someone as amazingly kind and caring as you, and go as far to say such awful words. It made him incredibly furious, and all he wanted to do was confront your now ex and give him a piece of his mind for causing you to act this way.

He was surprised though to hear your voice interject him, your tone stern yet pleading.

“Bakugo, can we not talk about it? Please?”

He wanted to kick himself for being so inconsiderate, an embarrassed blush creeping into his cheeks.

“Shit-I-okay,yeah”

The car ride continued in silence, Bakugo staring at the road in conflict, you cuddling yourself into a small ball on the leather seat.

It continued for a few minutes, until Bakugo broke the silence by clearing his throat.

“Want me to drop you off at your place?” He asked gruffly, looking at you slightly from the side.

He noticed you shift, turning to look at him with large, pleading eyes.

“Can-can we go to your place instead?” you squeaked out, almost as if worried by his response. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound mean earlier….I just- always feel so safe and warm when I go to your apartment, Katsuki”

Bakugo felt his heart quicken in his chest-you called him “Katsuki”, his name. Something in you saying that made him feel hot from flusteredness, but then you said you felt safe with him...he had never been more thankful for the darkness of night, because he knew his face was completely red.

He gulped, trying to build up the wall around his emotions you were trying to knock down. With each word or truth that spilled from your sleepy, drunken mouth, he found it harder to keep his feelings at bay. He took a deep breath, his clammy hands readjusting on the steering wheel.

You two were just friends.

He didn’t like you like that and you-you probably didn’t either.

He needed to be Bakugo, your best friend, your rock in hard times, not Bakugou, the blushing mess next to you that was concerned with his own feelings.

He clicked the turn signal on his car to the right, taking the route back to his home instead of yours as he sighed.

“-Fine.”

Bakugo pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building, the bumpy street roads now turning smooth as he fit his car through the metal gate and settled into a parking spot near his apartment.

He turned the key of the car, killing the roaring engine as he stepped out of the car, the closing door as a soft thud as he commanded you to “Stay inside”.

Your sluggish head instantly perked at the statement, unable to understand what he had meant by that. But your body felt too tired, mentally and physically, and too weak to even protest. You stayed there, cuddled into the seat as Bakugo opened the door of the passenger seat, his arms outstretched as they tucked themselves under your body.

“Wait what are you-“ you asked sluggish, your eyes barely open as you wrapped your digits around his arms.

“I’m picking you up”

HIs tone was calm and forceful, as if this was a completely normal occurrence between the two of you- which it wasn't.

You instantly blushed at the prospect, excuses already forming on the tip of your tongue.

“You don’t have to, I can-“

“I could barely walk you to car and that was in flat ground,” he retorted back, I’m not gonna walk you up stairs-”

“Just let me do this”

He stated a little more softly, his voice gruff and low as he picked you up off the seat as if you weighed nothing to him. Your hands instantly latched onto his neck finding comfort by burying your head into the crook of his neck.

Shit-why you had to go and be so cute?

His grip around your body tightened, making sure you felt secure as he walked you up the plight of steps to his apartment.

Something about this felt so surreal- your warm body against his, his hands wrapping your thighs, the way your hair felt against his cheek...these were all sensations that left his heart pounding.

All of this seemed to frustrate him as much as it brought him joy-he shouldn't feel any of these tingling sensations around you. He shouldn't feel weightless and giddy, or terrified he'd do the wrong thing around you all the time. It bothered him to know end, and made him feel so frustrated.

But the most frustrating part was the fact you were oblivious- that you had this secret power over him and you didn't even know it.

He finally stepped foot in his apartment, setting you down gently as he ruffled through his pockets for his keys. His hand was still wrapped around your waist, giving you some stability as he opened the door with a slow creak, ushering you inside.

You stepped inside, feeling somewhat out of place- you had been here countless times before: parties, get togethers, the meet up place before you would hang out with the Bakusquad….so why did it feel so strange?

The room felt more intimate in a way-you had never been here without someone else, usually Kirishima.

And youd been here at night, but never this late, and the fact you had asked to sleep over- well, everything just felt so new and raw.

Thankfully Bakugo broke through your rapid thoughts, his vermillion eyes looking down at you with slight worry.

“You good? No needing to throw up or anything?” he asked gruffly.

God he felt so close- you could practically feel his heat radiating into your body still, making your cold digits beg for his touch.

Your cheeks warmed at the thoughts, a small “Mm-mm” and a shake of your head the only thing you could muster to do.

He led you over to his room, passing the small kitchen and bathroom as he did.

“Then you need new clothes- get you out of that clubbing crap”

Your mouth instantly formed into a pout, your eyes looking up at your best friend.

“It's not crap-its pretty”you corrected him, your tone playfully hurt.

“More like tight,” he replied snarkily, “ how do you even move in that thing?’’

You were about to quickly retort back that he should wear the dress and find out, but then a sudden image of Bakugo wearing your skin tight dress at a club made you instantly double over in giggles.

Bakugo gave you a questionable look, his red eyes almost judging your drunken, laughing form.

“I just keep it down with my hands silly,” you said in between giggles, your body flopping onto the plush comforter of his bed. Now you felt a little more at ease, as if the courage of alcohol had kicked into your system yet again.

Bakugo shook his head, his blonde locks swaying at the motion as he quietly said ‘Giggly ass drunk” under his breath. He began to rustle through his closet, trying his best not to stare at your form laying across his bed in such a body accentuating dress.

You hadnt seemed to notice Bakugo's rhetoric or dilemma, a soft smile gracing your lips stiill. Your propped your body up on your elbows, your tousled hair pooling against your skin.

“so what amazing little number are you gonna put me in now?”

“-This,”

You felt cloth instantly hit you square in the face, as if Bakugo had thrown it over his shoulder-most likely on purpose.

Usually you would attack the asshole for doing something like that, but you just felt too tired to even throw an insult back. Your lips pouted out once again, a small whine escaping your throat as you ripped the shirt from your face.

Bakugo grinned slightly at you ,finding your expression adorable as well as funny. He watched you inspect the shirt, the fabric as dark as your dress.

“You would think interning with Best Jeanist would have left some fashion sense in you,” you spewed out, your face clearly distraught by the shirt he had given you.

He rolled his eyes, his grin now turning into a grimace.

Was drunk you really that picky over a shirt?

“That was 5 fucking years ago, and I only interned with him cause he was one of the best,” he tried to defend himself, feeling his cheeks grown warm from your drunken disapproval. But his fiery personality kicked in, his tongue beginning to stutter over his words. “- just throw the goddamn shirt on before I let you sleep in that shit you call a dress”

“Or I could sleep in my underwear, there's other alternatives,”

your words flew out of your mouth faster than you could stop them, a triumphant grin on your face as you saw how beet red Bakugo became.

A giggle escaped from your lips, the sound ringing softly against his ears.

“Dont worry Katsuki, Ill wear the clothes,” you gave him a soft smile, cuddling the clothing to your chest.

He blinked a few times, trying to get his heart to settle back into a steady rhythm.

This wasn't real.

You didn't make him nervous.

You were just his best friend- you being in his room, in a pretty dress, making flirty remarks didn't affect him.

You were drunk-you weren't yourself right now- so why did he feel so hopeful? And for what?

He quickly spun on his heel, turning around before you could catch the glowing in his cheeks.

“Whatever-just call me if you need help” he threw over his shoulder, his hands closing his bedroom food with a loud slam.

Bakugo sat himself on the couch in his living room, his hands resting on his face, his elbow connected to his legs.

The hell was going on with him?

As he was brooding over his conflicted emotions, he heard the door of his room click open, and it seemed all his feeble attempts to slow down his heart went out the window.

There you were, clad in his black tshirt, the fabric pooling around your thighs and making your arms look tiny in the flowing fabric. You must have been wearing the shorts worn from under your dress, but still- he got a full view of your beautifully plush thighs, making heat rise to his cheeks.

Strange sensations filled his stomach, that tingling butterfly sensations filling his stomach-

The hell was wrong with him?

“For your clothes being so bland, they are pretty comfy…” you smiled up at him, his heart quickening at the small gesture.

You walked your way over the couch, resting your body opposite him, giving ample space between the two of you as you sighed in content.

“I could go to sleep right now”

Bakugo snorted, his arms wrapping against his chest as the heat continued to rise in his cheeks.

“The hell your not-”

You instantly pushed yourself up, cocking your head at Bakugou in confusion.

He had to admit it to himself- your looked-cute-, sitting there, your legs crossed with his shirt wrapped around your frame, your eyes wide and hair a mess.

He could get used to seeing you like this-

But shit he couldn't-didnt-think like that. You were his friend, nothing more.

“What do ya mean?” you asked “You were complaining about me two minutes ago, wouldn't you want me to go to sleep?”

He gave a small chuckle, his eyes looking down at the floor.

“Sure but-I'm not letting you go to sleep with all that shit on your face-”

Your hands instantly went to touch your face, your digit scrubbing against the skin.

“Huh?-Oh”

You looked down, and there on your hand was your foundation, a tiny bit too dark as it had mingled with your bronzer and highlighter, black running against your skin like tire streaks on a road.

How did you not even feel that was on your face? How drunk were you?

The thought of you being so intoxicated you forgot you had makeup on seemed like the funniest thing ever, giggles dribbling out of your lips.

“Oh my god, I forgot!” you laughed, chuckles wracking through your body.

Bakugo simply shook his head, unable to contain a smirk from gracing his lips. He got up slowly, walking over to your side of the couch to offer you his hand.

“Alright cmon-you giggly ass drunk,” he smirked, his lungs tightening as you gave him a smile of your own, your smaller hand slowly taking hold in his larger one.

You leaned into his body, already accustomed to him being your support- he would at least admit it right now...you were cute

He walked you over to his bathroom, his digit flicking on the light switch.

It was a little small, with enough room to hold two people inside. He gently pressed you against the wood of the cabinet, his hands grabbing your waist as he hoisted you on to the counter.

Any other day you would be embarrassed by this sudden closeness with your best friend but something about this felt bitter sweet. It had been so long it seemed like since someone had truly cared for you, being there by your side and making sure you were okay. It felt comforting to have Bakugou near you, but you knew this wouldnt last. You were drunk and feeling broken-is was just his obligation as your friend to get you through the night. Once you sobered up, itd be back to the way things were-bitterly lonely.

As you muddled in your emotions, your feet dangling against the cabinets, Bakugo was rummaging through in the cabinet next to you, emerging with a bottle of makeup remover.

You cocked your head at the bottle, the liquid inside an artificial yet soothing blue.

Why did he have that?

Bakugo stared down at the bottle in his hand, his red eyes quickly glancing at the writing on the side and setting it down on the counter, now rummaging for a cloth.

“This shit should work-”

Your hand grabbed the bottle, now inspecting it in curiosity.

“When did you get this?”

“Remember last time you came over,” he asked over his shoulder,” when the power went out in your apartment and you said you had to do your makeup?”

You simply nodded your head-you remembered that day. You had planned to go and watch a movie with your boyfriend-ex, and the screening was at exactly 12 am since it was premiering. You had wanted to look at least a little decent, but fate had gone against you and destroyed that plan halfway into putting on your makeup. So you had of coursed called Bakugo, who grumpily obliged to let you use his apartment.

Bakugo’s hands gently took the bottle from yours, his hot skin brushing against yours as he applied the liquid to the cloth. His frame fit snugly in between your legs, your inner thighs brushing against the fabric of his sweatpants.

“Well, You left it-”

He simply stated, everything in his being trying to keep his tone leveled as he began to wipe your skin clean of the events from the night.

You had never seen Bakugo be so gentle- he was taking his time, focusing on one small area and then moving onto the next. His strokes were even and light as air, not digging into your skin or forceful in any way.

“And- and you kept it?” you gulped out, your eyes searching his own vermillion ones.

Bakugo was scared, terrified even-he didnt want to look you in your eyes.

Would he do something he regretted if he did?

He was trying to control himself, to fight everything in him all night to not let you catch on to him, to not let you or himself see his true emotions...he was getting too tired to fight, and he was scared that he’d let something slip that he didnt even know about himself yet.

“Well yeah, I wasn't just going to throw it away,” he answered,” I figured you'd come and get it,”

He paused, his hand faltering against your skin for the smallest second. Maybe-it wouldn't hurt to say something...you were drunk after all, you wouldn't remember most of tonight probably….

“-also,” he gulped out, his heart beating in his chest, “ Its nice to have reminder of you here too,”

Your eyes instantly widened, the wind knocked out of your chest, constricting almost in pain.

Why did that make you feel so-so fluttery inside?

And why did it hurt so much?

Maybe because it almost sounded like-Bakugou may care for you? More than just a friendly way?

No-it couldn't….he was your best friend….but god, it felt so good to be cared for, to actually feel wanted-

And of course had to be by someone you knew you never had a chance with.

Your shoulders began to shake, realizing how much you must have screwed up-you lost your boyfriend, was humiliated by him, and then humiliated your own self by losing control.

Bakugo was the only one you had truly could count on-he was the one person you called, and he had shown up to get you. He had tried his best to keep you comfortable, went out of his way to keep you safe, his best to keep you happy…

How long had it been since someone had been this caring to you?

Your shoulders began to shake, the weight of everything crashing down on you, tears spilling across your cheeks like rain droplets outside a car window.

How did everything turn out so wrong?

Bakugo instantly noticed your change, his body instantly panicked and worried.

“Shit-y/n, you okay? Whats wrong?” he asked, his tone desperate as he set the cloth down and wrapped his hands around your forearms, securing you as wave after wave of tears racked your body.

He wrapped you into a slow hug, his warm palms placed firmly against your back as you instantly wrapped your arms around his neck.

He felt so warm and safe, your noise buried into the soothingly sweet smell that was him.

“Katsuki I-I-Im sorry, I didnt mean to-” you blubbered out, trying your best to apologize over your heightened emotions.

Bakugo had no idea what to do- was this just something you did when drunk? He had no idea why you had started crying, and he hoped it wasn't something he did- but telling by how in pain you looked and how quickly you welcomed his embrace, this was something he didnt do and couldn't fix-at least not quickly.

He continued to hold you tightly, his hands beginning to become clammy against your back.

“Dont say sorry-Your fine, just- tell me whats wrong,”

He felt your hands ball his shirt in your fists, your chin digging deeper into his skin.

“I wish I could find a guy as great as you,”

Shit.

Bakugo’s face turned beet red, his arms stiffening at your words- when he asked what was wrong, he didnt mean something like that.

But the truth comes out when you're drunk, and Bakugo fully believed in this saying…

Did that mean-you liked him?

He couldn't deny it now- it was too hard and everything was against him at this point.

Just the small prospect of being your lover made Bakugo’s heart quicken, the little sentence you just uttered destroying the wall he had kept to protect himself from the truth.

He liked you.

Alot actually.

He scoffed, trying his best to remain calm as he cradled you in his arms.

“Im not as great as you think I am,”

He felt you cuddle yourself even deeper into his neck, your hair tickling his jawline.

You seemed to be calming down as Bakugo had had a mental crisis….your sobs were now sniffles, and you werent breathing as hard. But you still were cuddled deep into his body, as if using him to block yourself from the outside world.

“No you are, you really are…”you sighed quietly, “ even if you are an ass sometimes, you are very kind and sweet-

“I just wish I could date someone like you,”

Shit.

How could he even say anything after that?

How was even able to respond?

He wouldn't-Bakugo decided to hold you quietly, as if you never said anything...but those words were echoing inside his head.

God- you could date him in a heartbeat. But, reality kicked into Bakugou- you were drunk, and just got dumped. You were just starved of touch and affection from that.

There was no way sober you would have said something so revealing as this- you saw him as his best friend, nothing more and nothing less of that. You wouldn't jeopardize your relationship by saying something that could mean the end of your friendship.

Bakugo felt the tightness of your body loosen, your breathing now regular, something so different from a few minutes ago.

“Y/n?” he asked quietly, almost timidly as he waited for a response.

Nothing.

Bakugo sighed, a small, tired smile playing on his lips

“You fell asleep huh?”

Bakugo playfully rolled his eyes as your quiet demeanor spoke the truth for him.

His hands found themselves placed against your back, wrapping against your body once again so that your legs were around his waist, his arm supporting you as he carried you back to his room.

Maybe in the morning you would remember this...maybe not. He was conflicted- a part of him hope you didn't, so your relationship could resume as normal, but- something in him hoped you remembered. And hoped you wanted to talk more about it- because if you felt the same way and meant it, he wouldn't mind to see if you two could be more than just friends.

He pecked a look at your sleeping form, your smushed face against his shoulder making his heart fill with warmth.

“Shit-if only you knew...I would date you-

“even if your a giggly ass drunk,”

608 notes · View notes

chamerionwrites · 5 years ago

Note

For character asks for you: your choice of a VM /or/ MN character

How I feel about this character (Vex’ahlia)

I love her. SO MUCH. Characters who project competence and confidence super well - to the point that the successfulness of the mask generates its own set of problems - but have a lot of deep-seated insecurities under the surface, who struggle with self-doubt and self-image and self-revelation, are catnip to me. (See also: Fjord.) I’m also kind of weak to fraught father relationships in fiction no matter how overdone, and I love her prominent character flaw of “greed” which is really a once-homeless-teenager’s compulsive anxiety about money and desire for safety and stability. That’s a dimension of the way past poverty affects people that I haven’t seen explored very often in fiction.

Plus, Laura Bailey is both a subtle and a generous actress and the layers with which she plays Vex are a joy to watch.

Everyone I ship romantically with this character

Another boring answer but: Percy. Usually I ship things for the character dynamic and storytelling possibilities first and the d’aww factor a very distant second; this is one of those rare canon ships that actually hits me straight in the warm and fuzzy feels. In part I think that’s because the medium is such that there’s time for the relationship’s development to feel real and organic. In part it’s because the character dynamic really is compelling, and these two balance and support and change and complicate each other in all sorts of fascinating ways that really do make for a great story.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I mean, almost any DND adventuring party is basically one big platonic OT4 or 5 or 7, so all of Vox Machina qualifies here (including Trinket, of course). Every relationship is interesting in its own way and clearly Vax is the big one, but imo an underrated one is between her and Scanlan, because in certain character-defining ways they have a lot in common (ie they are incredibly good at fronting), and Vex is so perceptive that she’s the only one who semi-regularly sees through his absurd deception modifier. The eventual friendship between her and Taryon is also kind of heartwarming (maybe the moral of the story is that Laura and Sam play off each other super well, which is even clearer in Campaign 2).

I also enjoy how she and Zahra disliked each other on sight, bonded over having shitty dads, and then became insta-friends of the sort where you feel like you’ve known someone forever because you have so much in common.

My unpopular opinion about this character

The twins’ relationship is actually pretty dysfunctional in certain ways (albeit obviously loving). Vax cares so much but he does not understand his sister’s inner emotional life even half as well as she understands his, in part because his worst character flaw is being remarkably bad at perspective-taking and in part because Vex is as protective of him as he is of her, and a big part of the way she protects him is by trying to hide the depths of her hurts because she knows that his emotional welfare (and Vax is a bit of a raw emotional nerve at the best of times) is wrapped up in the belief that she’s doing okay. And that’s a really lonely place to be, in a relationship that’s otherwise so close.

For example this exchange in the Feywild always guts me because they talk straight past each other: Vex (in a moment of unusual vulnerability and openness, for her) confesses that her Tough And Cool And Competent aura is all an act…and Vax’s version of comfort is to immediately dismiss her, because the idea that his sister isn’t The Greatest is objectively absurd to him. And of course he’s not entirely wrong, Vex is a strong person, but what she needs him to say is that he sees and loves her as she is and instead Vax keeps complimenting her on the effectiveness of the mask, and the longer it goes on the more you can see Vex just shrink into herself.

That kind of fundamental character disconnect is great storytelling (I love some of Beau and Caleb’s C2 arguments for similar reasons), it rings very true of human beings in general and siblings with unhappy childhoods in particular, but it’s also really sad sometimes, and it just…sits kind of weird with me, and makes me feel that much sadder about it, when fandom only ever seems to discuss the relationship as a healthy and perfect one.

What I wish had happened in canon

So much DOES happen in canon that this is a tough question to answer, but I wish there was a little more exploration of the Dead Mom part of the twins’ backstory. (I suspect it may have come up offscreen pre-stream, but I was surprised at the extent to which it got dropped from the Chroma Conclave arc after the one “do not go far from me” discussion following the attack on Emon.)

#ask box #critical role #cr c1 #my posts

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ellastar1980 · 5 years ago

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Charmed end of season wrap up

Season Two thoughts...

WELL....

That has been some roller coaster. Not even sure I know what the **** is going on, who knows who, what happened to, well take your pick.

Saying that, I can sense a distinct difference in tone for the last few episodes and something like a return logical, organic progression of events.

I want to acknowledge that this season has been subject to some unfortunate circumstances, not least the pandemic that cut it short, but throughout it all I have not had such an uplifting experience as I’ve had on Twitter and Instagram with the amazing people that make it happen.

From the actors to the writers, wardrobe to visual effects and make-up, it’s clear this production is filled with incredibly talented people who have made this more than another job. They’ve made it, and us watching, feel like family. I know we thank you from the bottom of our hearts and I hope we can return the favour over the coming months.

Each of the characters have had so much to contend with the past season after their lives were turned upside down. Some have been left reeling and coping with their current situations, while others have flourished and stepped up as the events needed.

MEL

In the first season things were as comfortable and everyday for Mel as they were going to get. She was however the first to embrace the idea of being a witch. Season two shows how innate that choice was.

Never one to be happy left behind, she uses her wits to excel. She laps up all the information she can get and takes chances following her gut. Never afraid to put herself out there she’s a driving force, filling the role of eldest even though she’s technically not.

She still has a fire - it drives her - but is recognising more and more when to step back. It’s not in her nature to do so, with such a high sense of justice. More recently, when Maggie and Ray had their issues, I was impressed that her silence and feeling of powerlessness in this situation led her to stop. It’s devastating to realise there’s nothing you can do. Maggie needed to do it herself.

With her love life, I loved the sweet dynamic with Kat and the powerful connection with Ruby. I have no idea how things would have progressed had Kat still been in the picture but the reveal in 219 felt so compelling, it felt like it needed Ruby. I’m not sure how it will progress or even if Ruby can forgive being drawn back into the Witch world without resenting Mel, that’s something that will be interesting to see.

MAGGIE

I’m astounded at the progress Maggie has made this season. Much like Mel, she adjusted to each situation as needed and took on more responsibility i would have ever expected from a 20 year-old sorority student. Establishing a basis as part of Safe Space was essential and she stepped up to the plate like a champ.

It’s clear from early episodes she resents being seen as powerless and young. This is her growth story, her chance to break free.

She’s also dealt with her family history instead of hiding. For someone so connected with how others feel, it’s difficult to turn that on yourself. It’s much easier to just make everything seem OK. The only time she could confront Ray was with Mel by her side. It must have been jarring to have to do it on her own but she did, and with that asserted her independence and voice.

Her relationship with Jordan is truly lovely. Since it’s a deep platonic basis in a shared supernatural situation, the whole scenario doesn’t have a trope. Is he still with his girlfriend? I don’t know but I’m not sure it matters. Nothing that’s happened between them is remotely cheating, Maggie has a support as does Jordan, arguing the question - is this something that qualifies cheating? Having a caring, deep relationship with another woman is not allowed? Maybe if you’re related but... and that is truly sad.

However it proceeds, I appreciate this time. The moments where he really does look at her in awe. Where she cares about him. Where there’s something there but it’s not what you expect. Were that all relationships as deep.

Her story has so many ways to go but right now, it’s where it needs to be. She has grown from the childish ways to being a force to be reckoned with and I look forward to it.

MACY

The chaos of episode 201 was just the kind of circumstance Macy Vaughn would hate. It’s out of control, vulnerable mayhem where her abilities are useless and where events left her the most unnerved.

Worry for their Whitelighter, poisoned, her mind violated, her sisters in danger, almost dying, finding a new demon power and finally being under the most pressure to protect the witch world - she had it bad and that was just the first episode.

It didn’t get any better - the pressure got worse, she thought she’d found an ally in a fellow demon/witch hybrid, kidnapped by Darklighter... the list goes on! The ‘love affair’ with Julian was of no comfort since her heart was being twisted up by Abigael’s relentless and VERY predatory pursuit of Harry. Never have I witnessed a more uncomfortable storyline - from the bargaining for sex, the goading, the kneeling... Macy was diminished in every way possible and I’m still trying to figure out why or if there is some satisfying pay-off yet to come? I hope so.

The only bright spark - and seriously, it was very late in the game, - is the burgeoning relationship with Harry that was beautifully set up in season one but had to be ‘adjusted’ for season two. Macy and Harry were lovable dorks. I sincerely hope that comes back in the future - you can be both sexy and dorky.

The only other life line was her first love - science. Her face came alive at the world opened back up to her, so much so Julian received the afterglow. I hope her future effortlessly combines her magic and science just as it did before.

HARRY

I can’t possibly do justice to the incredibly complicated intricacies of Harry, Jimmy and James. Three totally different parts of the same man has left the Whitelighter we know so well questioning his existence and character. I can’t even imagine.

It’s horrific to wake up to the idea that you are not you because you want to be, you are you because others wanted it. How do you begin to discover who you are when all you’ve ever known is what’s been programmed? Would you still be a good person? Would you hurt the ones you love?

In this case I can more than make peace with his behaviour - it drove poor Helen to the depths of despair. My only frustration is relenting to Abigael - but I will always believe her permeating his mind and subsequent gestures were her attempt to influence him. I will hold onto that even after I’m told otherwise (la la la I can’t hear you what was that no still can’t hear you oh well).

Again his feelings toward Macy has been a saving grace. When questioned about ‘the attic apology’ I felt it would be for not being open with Macy, braving rejection and laying it all out rather than chastising her for not being sure where she stood. I did look for more there, I have to be honest.

But this might be why he’s considering using Maggie’s power. He’s not himself, and I don’t feel he truly will be until he merges with Jimmy.

Jordan

Should be part of the family. He’s there for them, he knows all the ins and outs and I NEED a bromance with Harry. That whitelighter needs it so much too... A++

Swan

What a delight! I love a quirky and interesting but dynamic cookie. A+

Marisol

I shall require spirit Marisol in the future. I was promised she would see Macy again and I’m holding her to that. Heartbreaking in 218. A++

Julian

Sorry man. Auntie’s lacky left a bad taste when you mentioned she’d already messed in previous relationships and you said NOTHING to her? Went downhill from there so no. D-

Abigael.

Poppy A++, Abigael F-

Ray

Who came up in my estimations significantly? Why yes it was you Ray, well done. I’m so interested in the dynamic of Marisol and Ray meeting again, I need it. Add in Dexter and I’ve got the popcorn. B+

Lee

Why, you powerhouse, where did you come from? One episode and I need to know more... (wishlist: Macy’s demon sister, willing to broker peace with witches to fight human threat.) A+

Kat

I do hope we get to check back in with the medium at some point - her abilities were so interesting and her dynamic with Mel so sweet B+

Ruby

I feel such a need for expansion on her distaste for witchcraft when she so clearly loves to do it. B+

Helen

No-one could fail to be devastated by Helen. Incredible. If only it didn’t have to end that way... A++

Jimmy

How complicated can a situation get... abduction is not a good way to communicate young man. D

Aunt Vivienne

Definitely the powerful, evil one... fine for now as the bad guy. C

Godric

Sidelined but formidable. I hope he sticks around. B

Parker

A nice throwback to S1 that turned so dark. Once he decides which side he is on I’m going to have to insist he commits to it. D

Celeste

The elders are no more, know your place! Adjust! Work with the Charmed Ones and BE BETTER. D

I cannot praise the cast enough - I’ve had so many ups and downs but the portrayals of Mel, Macy, Maggie and the double time for Harry and Jimmy, are more than we could have hoped for. I am in awe of all the factors that go into each episode and the traversing of issues dealt with daily to keep it going.

Thank you so much. Everyone.

I still see so much hope for the future and can’t wait for the final 3 episodes.

Here’s to Season 3!

Be safe, be well, be happy.

#charmed #charmedcw #macy vaughn #mel vera #Maggie Vera #harry greenwood #season two #Hacy

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sabineelectricheart · 3 years ago

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One’s Due Lot in Life [Pt. 2]

Summary: A party at the townhouse, some letters and a thoughtless confession.

Rating: K+ - Suitable for more mature childen, 9 years and older, with minor action violence without serious injury. May contain mild coarse language. Should not contain any adult themes.

Words: 1403

Notes: Hello, darlings! Have you enjoyed part 1? Do check that out if you haven’t, the link for the masterlist is on the bottom of this post.

That night was another reception on the Duke of Themis’ townhouse, that sort of event that seemed like a celebration, but it was nothing but a way to stave off some of the perpetual boredom of the higher classes.

Naturally, the finest of the Ylissean nobility was invited, and Chrom and Lissa, as personal friends of Lady Maribelle, were also present. The latter was more interested in the amenities than the former, though.

The young man sat on the ground, his legs slotted through the railing and dangling over the garden nine meters down, as she stood with the bottle, fearing sullying the dress and having to answer to Maribelle.

He looked so handsome in the moonlight, his sharp features finally softening and his eyes becoming calm and candid, opposed from the vigilance he held anywhere else. It was moments like those she knew that the royals were not as untouchable and unfazed as the strict traditions of the Holy Kingdom would have one believe.

Against her instinct to stare in silence, Robin knocked on the open glass door and pushed past the billowing curtains to reveal herself. The man did not turn around to face her. She joined him on the balcony, standing quietly on the spot next to him as she rested her arms against the hard white stone of the railing.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Robin teased.

Chrom did not smile.

Now, with her standing so close, she could see all the details in his face more clearly. The pain she had mistaken for calm flooded his face and soon washed over her. Her stomach turned with an ache for his wellness.

The servant knew he was not one to talk about his feelings too freely or candidly, not when he was stone cold sober, so she untwisted the cap and sloshed the liquid around before passing it to the man next to her, deciding he should get the first drink.

Chrom winced at how much he slugged back but did not falter, continuing to drink until amber liquid spilled down his chin.

“Not so quickly, milord.” Robin whispered, cautiously easing the bottle away from his lips.

The nobleman grunted in discontent before allowing her to pry the bottle away from him, her hands slipping over his like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Long moments of dead silence with Chrom were not too unusual, but silence when he had something to say was unsettling. He had only completely lost it once, when his father, the only one of his parents still alive, passed on a border skirmish with Plegia some three years prior. They had fought a few days prior, as the Exalt decided to go to the borderlands with nothing but a small garrison, while the prince had argued it was his job as a Shepheard to take care of those situations.

They would not see each other alive again.

Although Chrom bitterly spat his father’s name with all the frustrations born out of a fractured relationship, of failing on what seemed to him his most basic job, he loved him, and his untimely passing cut so incredibly deep that the young man did not know how to control himself.

As his behaviour echoes so perfectly that of three years ago, Robin could only prepare herself for the worst.

“It is a lovely night out.” She began, nudging the prince with her shoulder. He shrugged. “What a shame it is just for us.”

Glancing out of the corner of her eye, the blue-haired man frowned. That disquieting look reappeared on his face, although a tad bit more melodramatic than before. He snatched the bottle from her and took a quick swig, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand with reckless abandon, her nerves thrumming.

Chrom finally, finally, turned to look at her, his cheeks reddened in a healthy flush from the alcohol. His shoulder brushed against hers and the maid looked up, her face nearly colliding with his. Unconsciously, she sucked in a sharp breath and consequently inhaled the scent of the burning liquid off of his breath.

“Do you think I’m a good person?” He asks, his speech slightly slurred.

“Yes.” Robin answered with no hesitation. He blinked in shock. “Yes, of course, milord. I think you are wonderful.”

He sat in silence, studying her face for a tell while she allowed herself to get lost in his eyes. The moonlight passed over them, giving the deep stormy blue a plethora of shades and his long lashes cast a nearly invisible shadow which she would not dare miss.

After what felt like an eternity, Chrom stood up and turned his body to unbutton his vest, promptly pulling out a small stack of letters. He dropped them on the railing in front of her with a look of horror before pulling his gaze away.

Before she could ask what that was, Chrom answered her. “They are letters from my father. Addressed for my mother.”

Her eyes bulged. Raising the letter up to her face, she glanced at the contents before shuffling to the next one.

“These are dated from over thirty years ago.” Robin points out, assuming that, considering Emmeryn’s age, were from around the time the former Exhalt married. “Where did you get these?”

“Cleaning my father’s dresser.” The prince explains. “Lissa wanted to see if any of our mother’s keepsakes had survived my father’s purge when she passed and I found them in there, hidden.”

Chrom made a limp movement to get the letters back, accidentally slapping them down on the floor between the two of them. He huffed with frustration as he went to gather them, only picking up a few letters at a time. He ran a hand through his perfectly done hair, freeing it from some of the cowlick that gave order to the locks.

“He eloped with her; you know?” He began.

The man looked up, scanning her face for something she could not quite describe. It was deep and introspective, like a man looking at his reflection.

“She was just a commoner, a farmer’s daughter from the north working the kitchens, but my father, in his usual fashion, trampled every notion of sense and limit and refused to marry anyone else.” He recounts, partly wistful and partly bitter. “They were so in love that they ran away together. I wish I was loved like that. I wish I was brave like that.”

Even if you dismiss the fondness Robin herself feels for the young prince, either as merely platonic or as a confusion on terms of her desire for safety and stability, she knows not a single person in Ylisse that is more loved and admired than Chrom. Between Lady Sumia and Knight Cordelia; Emmeryn, Lissa and Frederick; even Lady Maribelle and her terrible demeanour, they all cared very deeply for him.

So, this is why she could say in confidence, “You are.”

His eyes snapped up to meet hers, staring into them for an explanation. He attempted to peel away as he chuckled softly to himself, making she purse her lips in defiance.

“No, no.” He started, waving her off. “What I meant is that, I wish I was loved the way my parents loved each other.”

Before she manages to control her tongue, she repeats, “You are.”

The silence hung heavy in the night fog. Although Robin managed to look calm, her heart felt like it could have beat out of her chest, but she knew, somewhere deep in her heart, that she should not regret what was said. She knew it to be true, in spite of her doubts and insecurities.

It eventually needed to be stated, it is best if it is soon and directly, and if he did not feel the same, she would not have to go on pretending to her masters that she and their prince were not friends anymore. It would just become the truth.

“Maid!” A shrill voice shrieked from the horn in the room behind her, awfully resemblant of Lady Maribelle. “Maid! Come to the parlor! Right now!”

She nodded like the caller could see her, gathering herself and leaving Chrom alone once more. She did not dare look back, as she was much too fearful that he would see just how vulnerable she was at that moment.

Yet, the stunned silence was not much better.

*_*_*_*_*

One’s Due Lot in Life Masterlist

Fire Emblem Masterlist

Awakening Masterlist

#fire emblem #chrom

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trad-masculine · 4 years ago

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She's an Actual 10

Apparently I'm really here for speaking my mind tonight. So here goes.

I had a dream last night, one that gave me an insight that completely awed me. True dreams are rare for me, but each is a memory etched into my psyche, this is one such example.

In male circles discussing women & relationships there's the idea of a Perfect 10, the hottest possible woman. By the contrast, I'm nothing if not an astute observer of the human condition. I've thought a lot & deeply about what makes beauty beautiful, I have a clear concept of the idea physical women in my mind. I rarely see the deep thing I'm looking for, most "beautiful" women, aren't. Not moreso than other women. Most women are beautiful enough, women are inharently lovely to men. There's a "hotness struggle" which is a skin deep conflict, women trying to one up each other on the 1-10 scale thats tracking them in mens brains. But it's not deep beauty. What I see as beauty is akin to spiritual, but evident in the body.

I elaborated above, because theres so much tension & insecurity around the idea of beauty. Super models feel insecure. It's a mess, & the whole "hotness struggle" isn't actually calibrated to what is deeply important. What we as a species are looking for is not simply a hip to waist ratio & symmetry. But rather insight into the whole system of the self. The body is shaped by the posture it holds, & the posture we hold is informed my emotional state. The body & mind are linked. Each informs the shape & function of the other. Somatic pain holds emotional content & trauma. Release one & the other can far more easily unwind & heal. The shape of the body is the shape of the nervous system.

I wrote about the idea of Anaposture a while ago. This is an important concept, posture that holds itself with no effort, a posture free of imposed self concept, a posture that is fully embodied & without doubt to its integrity & fear of pain from movement. A clear posture.

In my dream I was hanging at the beach with friends, and one friend, guy does like the ultimate in generic & boring corporate job imaginable, brings his girl. Unlike most dreams my friends were imaginary, I didn't know anyone at the beach in real life, but knew in the dream we were old friends. She was perfect, but in a deeper way than I had ever seen before. She was loose, & fun, & free, & great flirting with my friend.

I wasn't envious or desirous, which was unexpected, in the dream. Just awed by her, & glad for my friend. In the dream we hung out for a bit around the campfire until the sun set, chatting & flirting platonically, generally enjoying ourselves. Then I walked away a bit & sat on a log to think. She came over to me & asked me what I was thinking about. I replied.

"How to be as a person around you. You're an actual 10. I've never seen that before. You have no armor or insecurities, you're just doing you & that is incredibly weird to relate to."

That's a bit paraphrased, I think she sat with me, & then the dream ended. As I woke up I thought of a girl who goes to my gym, at least, we did before covid. She's a 9.9 on whatever scale, identical body form to the girl in the dream, but darker in hair & being than the girl from the dream.

I've never talked to the girl at the gym, because, well she offered no invitation whatsoever to give me or anyone an angle in, & simply hitting on girls just to do it in a gym is a dick move, by my take. Considering it, her entire body is formed entirely of armor, the expertly crafted elven plate perfectly shaped to her & filigreed with intricate detail, but armor none the less. Her movement looks weighted down, deliberate & restrained as she moves. This isn't purely metaphor.

I can feel the armor & that sense is the truly difference between a 9.9 & a 10. An Actual 10 has no need to wear armor, no vulnerability to protect. The girl in the dream wasn't afraid or annoyed by getting hit on, because she could control her sexual expression such that she could turn off the guys around her, she wasn't on offer. She embodied this, & so every man had a sense to simply treat her as a person, & not as sexual. I didn't know that could be a skill, although it clearly was in the dream, & perhaps something I could explain after further contemplation. It was a deep thing, & the imitation isn't the same.

Frigidness is bitchy, because it's in essence directly telling you she thinks she's better than you. Haughty. The girl in the dream was just one of the squad, having fun with the rest of us dancing around the bonfire. There was no judgement, she was simply not on sexually. I don't mean not turned on, I mean on itself. This wasn't asexual either, but the true opposite, not nymphomania, but instead she was in total possession of her sexual grace, & so in direct control of all of it.

That I wasn't drawn to her sexually, but rather as a person is interesting. She is only relationship material. I'm treating her partly as a phantom of the divine feminine speaking within me, but also as a real person. She sat down with me at the end of the dream because she had never been with someone who was with her with so as to fulfill the true potential of what being with her could be.

She was so fully realized herself, that she never realized there could be a deeper way to be. Every relationship she had been in was easy & wonderful, so she thought it was enough to simply be there for the joy of it. She had never looked deeper because no one had ever been close enough to her for her to need to. I'm not saying I'm close to a 10 for a man, not really sure what that would mean. What I am saying is that most men aren't close to being what she is, & further that she doesn't know what she is either. We were both lost in the dream. She was so found in herself, that being lost in the world didn't harm her, only left her with less than a more full possibility she never even knew existed.

I'm still thinking through this dream, I might understand more from it in the coming days. She wasn't especially "my type," she was something of a classic California girl, Sun bleached hair & red bikini top with daisy dukes. With the sun sand, city & her beauty there's little need for her to contemplate life the way I do. All the possibilities are at her fingertips. She's close to wild, in a weird modern way. I think girls like her might exist. I know girls who have a good chunk of her energy, & her style & such is all a very hip thing.

It's interesting that she was dating the "right guy" he was almost explicitly generic in every way. Successful, hot, "cool" & popular in school. But empty. Soulless. She wasn't soulless, but she was empty. Not in a bad way, but in the way a teapot is empty, it's a vessel meant to hold something not of itself. Not sure what that means.

There's more possibility of Actual 10 than what describes this girl from my dream, she's only one archetype of many. She's one type I've never really considered as relationship material for myself, too made of air. She doesn't need anything from me. Or didn't until the end were we both realized a vital but intangible depth was missing.

I'm going to figure out what that intangible vital is with her, in my future dreams both day & night, and see where it leads.

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jonsa101 · 6 years ago

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Max and Helen; The Relationship Where Everything is Subtext

I’m so sorry y’all that it took me this long to get this recap out! I’ve honestly been so distracted lately but I wanted to get this out because I promised that I would. This is probably going to be a long one. You’ve been warned! Lol

I can’t believe that last week they gave us this episode! The last scene between Max and Helen was unreal! One thing I have to say about this show is that the writing is incredible. I am consistently blown away about how much care the writers take to developing these characters. With that being said, let’s dive straight into this meta!

This episode all but confirms that Sharpwin is endgame. It also confirmed to me that both Max and Helen are clearly in love/fallen in love with each other and are in deeper than they both thought. Everything was said and implied between them without saying much at all and that was the beauty of this episode! In my last meta where I recapped where Max and Helen’s feelings stand in episode 16, these were my overarching thoughts:

Max was in love with Helen and in deeper than he realized. (This doesn’t mean he’s not in love with Georgia too because he is.)

Max is the type of person who likes to have his cake and eat it too.

Max would have a hard time making a mutual beneficial decision in regards to his relationship with Helen at this stage.

Helen has feelings for Max but is in strong denial.

Helen would emotionally flee and take ownership of her choices even if to means to further deny her feelings for Max.

Based on what we saw in episode 17! My predictions weren’t too far off the mark at all! But like I said in my previous meta some of my opinions have changed. Before, I genuinely believed that Helen wasn’t in love with Max yet and just had feelings for him that she was afraid to explore. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! Her ass is sprung and Freema Agyeman did that! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

I never expected to see Helen so vulnerable and emotional. Like many have said, it was like we were absolutely witnessing a breakup of a couple who had been together for years! If anything I was fully expecting Helen to just lay down the law, but that whole conversation was so much more than that.

The thing is, Max and Helen were absolutely having a conversation within a conversation! I know some of you think that maybe Max wasn’t fully aware of what Helen was implying but that absolutely wasn’t the case at all! HE KNEW! He was fully aware of what he was implying and so was she and that literally was the point of their whole scene!

Let me further explain. The events of what occurred in episode 16 and 17 was the foundation of everything that these two addressed in subtext at the very end of episode 17. In episode 16, the showrunners purposely showed us how Max and Helen are extremely familiar each other. The know each other like the back of their hands. Perfect example; Helen knew exactly what Max was going to ask before he even asked her to come into the hospital. They have a strong vibe, a thing, you can even call it a language of their own in a sense and that’s what Dr. Pantahki and the clairvoyant call out. In previous episodes, the showrunners have done an excellent job of developing this through their interactions. They are extremely vulnerbale with each other with Max being the one to continually push and seek out how Helen feels. They know when something is emotionally off with one another as well without even having to ask. They are deeply connected and it’s part of the reason why we love them so much!

Another thing that lays the groundwork for their conversation is their love epiphanies. I already talked about Max’s love epiphany in my previous meta(Dm me for the link) but I believe Helen had hers in episode 17. To refresh your memory here’s the definition of a love epihany:

“When a character realizes they are in love with another character. This is not when the character confesses this love to that other character or anyone else, but when the character realizes it themselves. Often this can be when a character had feelings already and realized this has blossomed into love, or when a character has been in denial about these feelings until this moment.”

I think this moment happened for her when Max gave his impassioned speech about donating blood to Floyd’s paitent. That’s just my opinion but I think this was the moment where it clicked for her. One can even argue that her epihany was full blown in the midst of their conversation on the roof. Either way, somewhere along the line, she had this realization.

I say all this to say that I think the lead up to their conversation established that at some level Max and Helen were both fully aware of what was implied in their talk! These two KNOW each other so well and though neither have truly confessed it, they love each other too. They might not have spelled it out but they didn’t need too. It’s understood on both sides.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s actually get to the dialouge. The show has clearly established that their relationship is anything but platonic. Their scene was way too emotionally fraught for a conversation that’s supposed to between two friends who have a doctor and patient relationship. To quote David Schulner, this is some of what he said before last week’s episode:

“For Max, the idea of losing Sharpe would be the end of his life,” Schulner says. “He has placed his life in her hands, and I think it is truly life and death for him if she was to leave, if he lost her in anyway.”

If he lost her in ANYWAY is the key guys! This is such a loaded statement and implies that Max wasn’t trying to lose Helen in any capacity PERIOD! Bet, even if Helen had chose to remain his doctor and eliminate one of the other options, he still would have reacted the way he did. No discussion about resigning as someone’s doctor should be this heart wrenching! So even though that was the topic of choice and Helen was addressing Max putting his health first, it makes you wonder if that’s what they were TRULY talking about.

Here is what I think the subtext was in this convo:

Max essentially is the definition of a person who wants to have their cake and eat it too and until this point, his life has seemed to pan out that way to his favor. Sure he’s had some bumps in the road, but he’s never truly had to sacrifice anything in his life or make any hard life altering decisions thus far. Someway and somehow it always works out for him and he always gets everything he seemingly wants. Then Helen gets in the picture and changes everything.

A relationship, that started out with them butting heads and Helen becoming his doctor, somewhere along the line turns into a relationship where they have unexpectedly fallen in love with each other and essentially have become each other’s person. As Helen said, Max truly is “all of the above” for her and the thing is she is for him as well. But that’s where the problem lies because she can’t be!

Max is married with a baby on the way! Truth be told, he shouldn’t even have this type of emotional relationship with another woman who isn’t his wife at all! But he didn’t do it intentionally and the truth of the matter is that he’s fallen in love with Helen. The problem is deep down knowing what he knows and knowing how he feels about Helen, Max REFUSES TO CHOOSE how things proceed in his relationship with her but YET still wants her to be his “all of the above!” He’s not making a choice to leave his wife (which he wouldn’t because he loves her as well), He’s not making a choice to set up respectful boundaries with Helen( from the very beginning he has emotionally sought her out, he has pushed to break down her walls and for her to be vulnerable with him) and he’s definitely not making a choice to let Helen go!

His “what if I want you?” sums this up perfectly. If Max had his way, he would continue to allow their relationship to go on as it was because in that scenario, he gets everything that he wants and he doesn’t get to make hard decisions! But 👏🏾Helen👏🏾 is 👏🏾not 👏🏾about 👏🏾that 👏🏾life! Because while Max gets what he wants, Helen is twisting in her feelings for him, in an all consuming relationship, where the man she’s in love with has yet to define what they are and what he wants her to be for him!

When it comes to Helen, Max doesn’t get to choose all of the above. He doesn’t get to be indecisive. Not when he’s still attached (Georgia + Baby) and she’s in love with him. That’s not fair to her or to anyone else this can potentially affect because like Helen said “we all want you!” So because he can’t choose, because he can’t make up his mind and always wants all the above, she makes the choice for him and she safeguards herself!

I’m going to end my meta here. I might do a part 2 actually breaking down their actual dialouge but this is it for now! Let’s see what the next episode brings.

#new amsterdam #sharpwin #max goodwin #helen sharpe #sharpwin meta

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ravens-rambling · 6 years ago

Note

Sleepy

So…I realized I haven’t done a lot of Moxiety and that is a disgrace on my part so uhhhh hope you like this platonic Moxiety drabble? I might continue this with Ro and Lo finding out in the morning and them taking care of the lil emo??? Idk tell me if you guys want to! And hey maybe if I do continue this I have an idea on how the ‘yellow man’ will make an appearance?? Hhhhhmmmmmmm~

WC: 2,382

ships: Platonic Moxiety

warnings: Mentions of Deceit, Mentions of violence, Panic Attack, Crying, Mentions of Abuse, Deage character, uuhhh??? I think thats it

Tag List: @punsterterry @frostedlover @mycatshuman @stormcrawler75 @mutechild @panicattheeverywhere15 @analogical-mess @thewinterbookqueen

The small dark boy yawned loudly as he hopped off his beanbag. Blinking his eyes he glanced out the window seeing snow lazily fall down outside. It made him shiver at even the sight of it pulling his jacket even tighter around him. One thing he noticed was that it was darker out by the looks of things. Did he fall asleep? Why was he still tired then…

He heard movement out in the hallway and with small footsteps sneaked towards the door. Opening his door gently he peeked outside ready as ever to dart back inside.

Wait… Where was he again?

Why were his arms tiny?

His eyes shot open as he looked down on himself. He was tiny. And…why was he in a black and purple sweater?? What happened to his black one??

He was vulnerable like this. Before he didn’t mind being this small, it meant Thomas wasn’t being affected by him which was good in his book, but there was something bad that always happened when he became small, something he was scared of. Scared for the one person that always brings pain to him when he’s like this.

His grip on the doorknob tightened into whiteness as he gulped. Before he knew it his body started shaking. But still, he peeked out. Maybe it wasn’t him? Wait this hallway is different than before…

He heard a loud yawn in the darkness and gulped yet again. Those footsteps grew closer towards his door but the figure didn’t seem to see him.

But his shaking was making the door creak.

“Hello? Roman is that you?”

Roman… Wait… Is that Creativity? What-

The footsteps grew louder until he could see what the figure looked like. He wore a cat onesie… Cats… He also wore glasses…

The yellow man doesn’t wear glasses nor a cat onesie right? He doesn’t ever remember that…

This is…Morality then?

His breaths were coming in small gasps as he tried to be quiet. Would Morality toss him to the yellow man? Would he yell at him and hurt him? He wasn’t certain and he didn’t like not knowing.

Tears were coming down his cheeks before he could stop it. He heard himself whimpering through his hand on his mouth.

And Morality turned towards that sound his expression full of concern. He didn’t seem to notice him yet…

“Who’s crying? Are you okay? Hello?”

That was until he turned towards his door and he seemed to be able to see his eyes through the darkness for his expression was full of concern. And he was looking right at him.

Virgil gasped and quickly closed the door with a slam hoping beyond hope that he was faking seeing that. Hoping that he won’t come in his room. Hoping-

He ran to his bed grabbing one of the blankets and tossing it over him and just as he was able to get under the bed in time he heard his door opening. Putting his hand over his mouth again he shook as he pulled the blanket tight over him. Closing his eyes he prayed that the man won’t find him. Prayed that he’ll be safe.

“Kiddo it’s okay. It’s just your fatherly Pap-pap here. I won’t hurt you. Why were you crying?”

He only shook his head. One of his tricks. One of his twisting tricks.

As he tried to hide his head in the carpet somehow his back hit the bed and he winched at it. His breath picking up as he heard movement. Please don’t hurt me, his mind raced around in dizzying speeds so fast that he wasn’t able to catch on to one thought.

“Hey kiddo it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. Shshs.”

He looked up to see a face looking at him through the darkness. He screamed loudly pushing away from the all too familiar smiling face before he could be hurt. Crouching low he huddled against the wall his hands going to his hair tugging it harshly.

“I-I’m sorry… Please… D-don’t hurt me… Please….” He begged his entire body shaking as he rocked side to side. Maybe if he begged the pain would be less intense. Maybe if he-

“Sweetie it’s okay. I swear to you that I’m not going to hurt you. I only want to help. Virgil? Virgil, can you look at me?”

He knows his name. When did the yellow man know his name??

Despite him not wanting to he knew he had to follow the yellow man, for if he didn’t he’ll get more punished. He was already going to get punished for huddling away like this. All he could hope for now was less pain.

Sniffling and gasping he glanced over his shoulder to the grey man silently pleading for no pain with his teary eyes.

But he didn’t see a trace of yellow. He didn’t see a trace of a snake eye through the darkness. All he saw was concern and worry. Concern for him.

He didn’t see a single trace of the yellow man.

Despite this man’s worry he smiled kindly and placed both of his hands in front of him at first making Virgil panic, “No, no shshs you see my hands?” A small nod. “I’m not going to touch you until you tell me you want to alright?”

Why was he telling him this? Not like it’ll matter. Not like anybody will listen to him.

“Can you breathe for me kiddo? Breathe with me, in for four. There you go. Out for seven. Let’s start over your doing wonderfully.”

Virgil hiccuped as he tried to breathe. He followed along with the man until he was able to somewhat breathe on his own. His tears at least stopped and he had somewhat stopped shaking thankfully. He was still huddled against the wall, however unable to pry himself from the walls at the moment. And just then he realized that maybe this man won’t hurt him. He made sure he’s breathing right? That’s something the yellow man never did.

“It’s alright kiddo. Do you want a hug?”

A hug… Hugs are…what again? He had to lower his eyes a bit to think on that. Nope, he couldn’t remember.

“W-What…” He winched at his own raspy voice, “What are….h-hugs?”

The man’s expression seemed to crack at that and his eyes grew watery. He still held on a smile though as he hiccuped once.

“A hug is comfort kiddo. It’s protection against everything around you and the world. It’s knowing that somebody loves you no matter what and that they will protect you from all the awful things in the world. It’s knowing that somebody is there for you and that they have your back.“

“O-Oh… T-That sounds…nice…” That means this man will protect him from the yellow man right?

“It is. It’s really nice. But for me to give you a hug you gotta come out from under there. Don’t worry though,” He quickly said as he saw Virgil’s frame tense, “I’ll be right here. I won’t let anything happen. I’ll give you a hug the second your out of there how does that sound?”

Virgil didn’t want to leave here. He didn’t want to leave this protection. He liked having the wall to his back knowing that nothing could come up behind him. But did he trust this man enough to leave this?

As he stared at the man he didn’t see a single trace of wanting to hurt him. He didn’t see a single trace of anger. All he saw was hurt. Concern. Deep down he didn’t think that this man will hurt him. He had to believe in that.

He nodded, “A-Alright…”

The man smiled keeping his hands firmly on the ground, “That’s good to hear kiddo,” His voice was soft…kind.

Itching slowly out of his cocoon he made his way out from under the bed gulping as he saw how big the man was from up close. His breath quicked as the man stood up and he gripped the blanket hard. So hard, in fact, it was turning into itself.

The man smiled down at him and Virgil winched at that. But when he saw how badly he was holding the blanket and that he wasn’t breathing that smile faded away. His hands went up again as he sat back down on the floor.

“Okay okay, it’s okay. Keep breathing for me. I’m sorry I should have asked you if you wanted me to stand that was my fault. Do you want that hug now kiddo?”

He took a breath in then out and nodded. He didn’t like it when the man was standing he was so…tall. But sitting down, however, he was at about his height. He could see him clearly and saw if he was going to hurt him or do anything else to him. Swallowing he nodded, protection sounds good right about now.

“Okay my arms are going to go around you now okay? You can lean on my chest if you want to, kiddo. You see my hands?”

He nodded, of course, he was he wasn’t letting them out of his sight. That and his eyes. He kept expecting to see yellow flash across his eyes. He hasn’t seen it yet though.

“Okay okay,” He said as he slowly itched his way over. Virgil stiffened as he did and even more as those hands reached behind him. He was expecting pain now, maybe he’ll get off easy, maybe-

His thoughts were paused as one hand landed on his hair ruffling it up gently. Then the other drew lazy circles across his back, up and down. These…weren’t pain… This was..gentle? What was…

“Keep breathing kiddo. I got you. Nothing is going to hurt you now. I’ve got ya.”

He breathed as he felt a warmness on his cheek. Blinking he saw it was the grey onesie it was so incredibly soft softer then he could ever imagine. It felt like a cloud… But he also heard something, some beating… He leaned closer to hear where it was coming from and sniffled when he heard a…was that a heartbeat?

It sounded…calming… So calming enough that he smiled a bit. This was so..gentle and nice. Much different then the pain he often experienced. So maybe this man wasn’t going to hurt him after all.

Before he knew it he started crying as his hands tried to go around the other’s body too, but his arms were too small. Gasping he dug his hands into the soft fabric his face dug into it as well. He loved this warmth. This care and protection that radiated off this person. It was overwhelming but gentle at the same time.

“I’ve got you kiddo. You’re going to be okay. Let it out don’t worry. Just keep breathing remember to breathe.”

They could have stayed there forever like that Virgil won’t have said a word against it. But once he finally calmed down till all that was left was him hiccuping the man kept rubbing his back and hair and he could hear him humming all throughout. It sounded nice against his chest…

“Are you sleepy now sweetie?”

Was he? He supposes he was… As if on cue he yawned loudly smacking his lips when it closed. He nodded.

The man chuckled, “Okay I’m going to pick you up now is that okay?”

His eyes were already closing but he was able to nod. He didn’t even know what he was agreeing to now. It felt like a wave had just hit him.

“Okay. I’ll make sure you don’t fall. One. Two. Three. There we go nice and easy.”

With very little movement he felt himself get lifted up. But he didn’t panic not even once, he didn’t even flinch, he was too tired now to panic. He trusted this man now, his full trust was placed in this stranger now.

“Let’s go to my room I have stuffed animals in there that I know will just love to cuddle with you kiddo. They all are just begging to be held.”

He smiled at that even purred gently. Normally he would have tensed at the moment of vulnerability but no. There’s no reason to be now, his heart told him.

His purring got louder as they moved and he heard a door opening and closing. By the time he felt himself being put down on to something soft and comfy, his eyes were already almost closed.

He felt movement beside him and opened his eyes a little to see the man lying right next to him. With gentle hands, he moved his purple hair out of his face and smiled, “I won’t let anything happen to you kiddo. Now go to sleep. Here you go.”

Opening his eyes a bit more he looked down to see a small purple cat plushie. He smiled as he grabbed it and hugged it close to his chest him purring once more.

Then a hand went to his side then back as he felt his back being rubbed again. Yawning the small boy made grabby hands for the man to come closer whimpering a bit. He wanted that soothing sound again. He wanted that warmth back.

The man scooted closer his hand not leaving his back only stopping once he cuddled Virgil close to his chest.

Virgil curled into a ball as he closed his eyes, his ear against the soothing rhythm and he felt blankets being wrapped around the both of them and he sighed heartily.

“I’ve got you kiddo, I promise you. Nothing will hurt you as long as I’m here. Go to sleep now. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

With that in mind, he drifted off to the darkness, letting it engulf him. For once he hoped this wasn’t some dream. He hoped this wasn’t the yellow man’s trick for if it was it was the cruelest one he’s ever pulled. It felt so real. Maybe he can let himself trust his instincts and heart. Maybe he can let himself go into this paradise. Whatever the case he went to sleep for once a bright smile on his face and his soft purrs was all that could be heard in the sparkling dark bedroom.

#sanders sides #virgil #thomas sanders #patton #virgil sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #my fics #deceit #deceit sanders #my fanfics #my fanfic #moxiety #deaged Virgil #platonic moxiety #abusive deceit #Sanders sides

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approximately12screamingcats · 6 years ago

Text

the hunger games re-read part 1

so the first time i read the hunger games i was...10? 11? somewhere in there. the last time i read them (before now) i was probably 13. i decided about a week or two ago i wanted to read them again, because it had been awhile and i knew i would get more and different things out of them now than then.

i just finished the first book, and i wanna share some of my thoughts, contrasting them to old ones and giving new ones

under the cut because it’s gonna be real long

katniss

i’d say the biggest difference in my last times reading these and now is my opinion on katniss. when i was younger i had the easy opinion that she was boring and annoyingly emotionless. but honestly that’s really not true, and i think it was in part influenced by her portrayal in the movies, which i always thought was good enough but could’ve been better, and i’d go so far to say now that her casting wasn’t great. but also, a movie in third person is very different from a book in first.

but really what i found, katniss is not emotionless, and she’s not boring. no, she’s still not what i would consider a favorite character of mine, i don’t love her, she’s not exactly my type of character that i love. but she’s interesting, and already a fascinating example of what hardship can do to a person. emotionless was such a wild impression to have of her, but i know i wasn’t the only one that thought that. i can say i definitely do not think that now.

she clearly says near the beginning of the book that she’s learned and taught herself to appear emotionless, so that she doesn’t betray her true feelings about the capitol and endanger herself or her family. but she isn’t emotionless at all. she feels very deeply, whether it’s ones she can identify like her love for prim, or ones she can’t, like her (growing) love for peeta.

the most marked thing about katniss is how her entire life has been driven by this need to survive. it encompasses everything she does, everything she has always done, and overshadows almost everything else. since she was eleven years old, she’s had to provide daily for her family, constantly watching out for starvation and arrest and death by wild animals. it’s no surprise she has no idea how to feel about things outside of that. she even says after the games she doesn’t know who she is when she doesn’t have to fight for food every day anymore. i haven’t gotten there yet, but i think that same theme comes back in the beginning of catching fire. her identity has been wrapped in this survival mode, and it’s twisted her into this person that has had to suppress any and all wants of things that could interfere with surviving. she’s not emotionless, she just quite literally has not had the time or energy to think about anything else and how to process it.

the romance

there’s a lot of opinions surrounding this romance. frankly, at the simplest levels, it’s part of the plot. the star crossed lovers of district 12. but yeah, of course there’s more than that. this is a little hard for me to evaluate without bringing up the other books, but tbh i’ll say what i think now with this one fresh in my mind and the others more distant, and see if it changes after catching fire and mockingjay.

anyway, since addressing the love triangle is unavoidable, i have always liked peeta and katniss as a couple more than gale and katniss. originally, i think at least 50% of why was simply because i liked peeta and i didn’t like gale. interestingly, that opinion still holds solid, but that’s not really why i like katniss and peeta better anymore.

katniss, already in book one, is not ambivalent to peeta and she certainly does not dislike him. honestly, i used to think it wasn’t until someway through catching fire that she began to really love him (romantically). but this read through made me realize she is already starting to in this book. it’s under the surface, and definitely doesn’t take hold until catching fire, but it’s there. their connection is emphasized and shown multiple times even before they get into the games. so many times it’s made apparent that she at least cares about him, but i’d say there’s beginnings for more than that.

the unfortunate thing is that being pushed into the whole love story thing for survival, and in front of everyone, is a really terrible environment for someone who barely understands her own emotions to be processing new ones. she’s worried about him dying, she’s incredibly hurt when she thinks he betrayed her for the careers (betrayal is a very strong word for her to choose here too, when she’s been pondering this whole time how one of them has to die). she very evidently wants him to live when she finds him by the stream. frankly, he was already dying, if she really didn’t care about him, she could have easily let him die without it even looking suspect to the audience. she’s not great at medical, which is shown a lot.

and i mean, how many times does she say she can’t bear the idea of being without him? of him dying? yes, usually these are either quick thoughts in a tense moment, or fraught with confusion or other musings, or paired in direct contrast with gale, but they’re there. she worries about it a lot. at the very end, when peeta realizes “it was all a sham for the audience” she even says she’s not sure if it was only fake, and that she misses him already.

to an extent, there’s bonding from trauma here, but i don’t think that’s an invalid manner of bonding? and it’s not just in and after the games that this shows either. it’s there a little bit from the start. she just has to get to know him.

i need to restrain myself from diving too deep into what’s coming here, but i’ll say this: as the books go on, obviously a lot more happens, but i really think one massive block in the way of katniss admitting to falling in love with peeta is the fact that it’s so blatant and open in front of the capitol. katniss hates the capitol, as does most everyone in the districts. but having her whole life on display like that, forcing her out of a decision, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, but it is very easy to see how that would make someone (especially a private person) want to withdraw away from that relationship. and katniss, having such a difficult time with her own emotions anyway since her live has been all about survival, doesn’t need that extra barrier on everything to muddle up her emotions and make it harder for her to tell what’s real or not real (lmao).

as for gale, cause i know some people think she clearly loves him, i can get into that more as i get back into the other two books. but from this one so far, and what i remember, a lot of the gale vs peeta stuff isn’t so much about a straight up romance love triangle, but more about what katniss’ life is vs what she wishes it could be. katniss presents herself as a cold and hard person, but she really isn’t like that. she loves soft things, she wants to live in peace, she loves rue and prim and got excited about giving a goat to her sister that she splurged on a ribbon for it. she sang with her father and only stopped when he died. she says she could never admit to her mother how much she needs her gentle touch. the life katniss is living, silent and stoic and always fighting in the woods, is not what she wants. gale, her friend that she definitely genuinely loves (platonically), is parallel to her life. the hunter, full of rage against the capitol, symbol to everything she’s known out of necessity, not want. peeta is calmer, gentler, a symbol to the life she wishes she could have. that’s why they eventually settle down in the epilogue. gale was never the romantic partner katniss needed.

but ive gone far past book one and i’ll get back into these analysis later when catching fire and mockingjay and the epilogue are fresher in my mind.

the rebellion

when i first read these books, my favorite parts were the action and peeta. but man. reading this through now, the story of this rebellion and the rising of people for their justice just screams through the page. and im not even to catching fire yet. it hit me when district 12 raised the salute to katniss, but it hit me even harder when rue died and when cato died. i mean...rue’s death. how katniss covers her in flowers. sings for the first time. drawing to light the utter inhumanity of what the capitol puts children through. but this part got to me specifically:

“I can’t stop looking at Rue, smaller than ever, a baby animal curled up in a nest of netting. I can’t bring myself to leave her like this. Past harm, but seeming utterly defenseless. To hate the boy from District 1, who also appears so vulnerable in death, seems inadequate. It’s the Capitol I hate, for doing this to all of us.”

i can almost hear the lament in that line, “it’s the capitol i hate, for doing this to all of us.” because that’s the truth. they throw up this show, driving them to competition, to hatred, but in the end, even the careers are victims of the capitol.

cato’s death too, for so many of the same reasons. i mean, it’s hard to read this and not feel outright repulsion at what hell the capitol is putting on these people. making the mutts, making them look like the tributes, and then the sheer agony of cato being eaten alive. when katniss and peeta decide to kill him, to relieve him of his misery, it again reveals the truth of things, behind the fancy gold curtain the capitol tries to put up in front of the games.

“It takes a few moments to find Cato in the dim light, in the blood. Then the raw hunk of meat that used to be my enemy makes a sound, and I know where his mouth is. And I think the word he’s trying to say is please.

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into his skull.”

these parts are the first set up we get for what happens later. the games are awful enough, but seeing them so raw and unhindered, from the first hand account, you can’t look away.

i don’t know. i can’t put it into words yet, but it moves me immensely. just the story of a people oppressed for so long, revealing the horror and setting themselves free.

other small observations

i kinda wish i had read these books again when i was 16. because 16 sounded so old when i was 10-13, but now it seems young. i would have liked to read it knowing i was the same age as katniss, picturing how that really would be.

i also forgot cinna was not literally lenny kravitz.

i have not read a book this fast for recreation in years, and im LIVING.

#m #the hunger games #thg #thg reread #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #gale hawthorne

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savory-n-sweet · 6 years ago

Text

unimportant

not requested

pairing: platonic (but slightly gay)!katherine pulitzer x female!reader

warnings: depression (i guess), swearing

word count: 1.2K

canon era | modern au

2017 | 1992

edited | not edited | skimmed

hey y’all this is all projection so. enjoy!!!

- - -

you hadn’t left your apartment in days. hell, you were lucky you even made it out of bed within the past week. however, you made it to your couch the day before and glued yourself there.

winter was coming about, and you knew you were heading into a rut. you didn’t know it would hit this hard or this fast before, though. it was like everything was hitting you all at once.

a few of your friends noticed the distance you put between them. they knew you’d come out of it like any other time, so they didn’t worry. when they initially asked if you were alright, you said you’d be fine—and they believed you. you did too, for a time.

though, one friend worried. katherine. she kept checking in on you, making sure you were taking basic care of yourself. she knew doing simple things like eating or brushing your teeth were difficult for you during this time. she was supportive of you taking time and space for yourself, but came over every so often to remind you you’re still a person. even if she was met with silence, she sat with you until she had to leave. you appreciated her for that. she was the best friend you could’ve ever asked or hoped for.

recently, she’s been busy. she has her own life to tend to, so you weren’t upset. you just missed her and the human contact she brought with. you would’ve called and asked for her or someone else if it didn’t take so much effort and energy, none of which you had.

you hadn’t eaten in four days. the longest you’ve gone was six, so it wasn’t phasing you too much. sure, you were hungry, but you would rather die than prepare a meal or order. your fridge was about empty, anyway. kath usually brought you some groceries during this time. she knew that if you couldn’t muster the energy to even get out of bed, you sure as hell weren’t going to the store.

it sucked. it sucked so bad. you didn’t know what to do. normally, you would catch it beforehand and try to stop it. you had no idea how to stop it now that it’s started. when you wanted, talking helped. it helped to get all your negative emotions out of you. you knew you had people to talk to. you knew that for a fact. but you didn’t want to bother, so now, you felt utterly alone. you felt as if you were fighting against a giant with no backup or support.

it was hell.

a sudden knock drew you from your thoughts. you sighed as you peeled yourself off the couch and headed to the door. your limbs felt heavy as you did so. you unlocked the door, then opened it, revealing katherine.

“hey, i brought some food,” her voice was soft and soothing. you moved aside, giving her room to enter.

she placed the two bags on the counter as you walked back to the same spot on the couch. you rested your head against the back, staring up at the ceiling. your mind was quiet for the first time in a while.

“how’re you doing?” she asked as she put the cold few cold items away.

“i’m okay, i guess,” you sighed. you wanted to tell her everything that was currently wrong. you wanted to scream and cry and shout until your lungs burst. but you didn’t.

“see, i know that’s bullshit. you look like you haven’t showered in days, and there’s nothing in your sink. you never do dishes,” she raised her voice so you could hear.

“you don’t need to drag me,” you sighed again, running your hands over your face.

“i just want you to tell me the truth,” she said as she walked over to you. she sat next to you, facing toward you. “what’s going on?”

“god, i don’t know,” you said. you knew what was going on. you didn’t want to say anything out of fear she would leave. it’s happened before, what's stopping it from happening again?

“i think you do.”

your eyes immediately started to water. you blinked the tears back, not wanting to cry in front of anyone. you absolutely hated being vulnerable in front of anyone. it made you feel small and weak.

“see, you do know. what is it?” her voice was calming and soothing. you took a deep, shaky breath.

“it’s just—,” you paused as you tried to collect your thoughts into a coherent sentence. “i don’t feel important. i know it’s mostly my fault for telling everyone i was gonna be fine, but kath, i don’t know if i will be this time. everything hit so fucking hard and so suddenly. i don’t know how to get out of it this time. normally, i catch it before it gets this bad. this time, i couldn’t. i’ve never been this bad before. i don’t know what the fuck to do!” you laughed while tears finally fell. you wiped them with the back of your shaking hands.

“god, i’m sorry (y/n),” she took one of your hands in hers. she ran her thumb over your knuckles. “you said you felt unimportant. why is that?”

“god, i don’t even know. i just do. i think it’s because no one’s really asked if i was okay? i know it’s all my fault, but still. it would be nice to have someone other than you to check in, even though you’re the only person i’ll actually talk to about this bullshit. i’m so beyond grateful for you, but i don’t want you to be the only person to sit and listen to my shit,” you sighed, your bottom lip quivering.

she frowned as she pulled you into a hug. you held onto her and openly sobbed, your body shaking with each breath. she rubbed small circles onto your back, holding you just as tight with her free arm.

“hey, i don’t mind being here for you. i love you so much, and absolutely nothing is going to change that. you mean the world to me, (y/n). i’m gonna stick with you no matter what, especially when you need someone the most,” she softened her voice even more.

you laughed gently, causing her to smile. “that was so gay.”

“yeah i know, but i mean it so you’re gonna have to deal with it,” she shrugged. you snorted, rubbing your eyes again.

“thank you. and i’m sorry for just, throwing that all at you like that,” you sighed, feeling a little bit better, but also incredibly guilty.

“if i didn’t want to hear it, i wouldn’t have asked.”

“stop making sense, please,” you laughed again. you let go of her, sitting up straight. “and thank you for bringing me some food. how much do i owe you?”

“nothing. i’m not making you pay me back,” she shook her head.

“what? why not?”

“because i care about you? i’m not going to make you pay me back when you’re clearly suffering,” she laughed.

“my suffering isn’t a free pass to care about me!”

“oh my god,” she groaned as she got up. “sucks for you, i’m gonna care about you no matter what! now, what do you want to eat?”

#katherine plumber #katherine pulitzer #newsies #newsies live #newsies x reader #newsies x you

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tayegi · 6 years ago

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i have so many theories right now...what if the guys are just trying to win a bet set on the oc? or maybe jk just doesn’t realize he likes the oc and mistakes his own actions as platonic ones? also, as readers, we see the story through the oc’s eyes so we focus on that angst part at the end of chap9, but then again, the oc has stated multiple times to hoseok and so many people that her and jk would never be more. whatever she went trough there, jk could have been trough the same a million times.

ahhhh you guys are the best!!! srsly i am so honored to have so many thoughtful, lovely, incredible asks theorizing about the plot and what jk’s intentions are!!! i would love to respond to each and every one of them, but unfortunately, i am unable to confirm or deny anything!

But i think these are super interesting and i’ve read all of them, and i’d love it if other ppl did as well! MORE ASKS UNDER THE CUT:

Anonymous said:I know Hoseok wasn’t in this chapter but I feel like Hoseok is gonna play her like jk did and she’s gonna be left in the dust with no one and resort to being even more icy. Jungkook has a lot of problems and it’s really evident that he likes her in that way. Fuckbois are really something else man. They get scared of affection yet lead girls on and make them scared of it. It’s like a constant cycle of insecurity. Damn I wish she was with jimin. He would’ve provided all the love and affection

Anonymous said:lmao why is everyone assuming jk will never change and that he’s going to be an Evil Fuckboi™️ forever. like, we can see how the oc changed throughout the story, so why y’all thinking jk can’t do the same. the story isn’t over, there is more to learn, and the oc and jk have more development to go through. anyway, deep in my heart I’m hoping they’ll get a happy ending 💜

Anonymous said:Why do I get the feeling that Jungkook has slight romantic feelings towards the oc but his fear of not wanting to get hurt outweighs those thoughts. I don’t know though I might be completely off😫Thank you for the update!

Anonymous said:I tried reading the story in JK's POV and I cant help but feel as if he isnt the one at fault for making OC cry. Yes, he rejected her but he's known as a fkboy. He stated clearly that he didn't want a relationship, he thought OC knew that clearly. Thus he thought they were just friends. All the things he said was misinterpreted into a romantic way cause people kept forcing OC to view their relationship romantically. I felt that if ppl didnt do that, OC wldnt have developed feelings for him.

carlyangel123 said:Ok everyone is saying that Jungkook hasn't changed at all and I'm not saying like oh yall wrong or anything😂. But I think, based on Jungkook's showcase of clinginess and affectionate actions through the past chapters, that he HAS fallen for the OC. However, bc of his past (not wanting to go through another possible heartbreak), his assumption the OC would never like him, and just maybe insecurities that he's denying it and forcing himself to be indifferent like the OC did in the beginning.🤔🤔

Anonymous said:Nah nah nah nah lu i refuse to believe that everything jungkook did was all platonic but through oc’s eyes we saw as romantic. Im trying to remember everything he’s done for her and trying to see it from a platonic pov but i cant. So here’s my conclusion: jk likes oc but during the car ride and seeing his hand in hers he had a realization and became fearful of being hurt like he was before. Thats why he put his barriers up again CUZ LIKE HOW COULD THAT BE THE SAME JK I JUST ALDJSKAHALA

Anonymous said:Jin was an ass who only wanted sex, cheated on y/n and didn't care for her, many people think that Jk may've gone through something similar with his ex, but I think JK's ex was totally different, she was in fact... the opposite. Possessive, wanted to be with jk all the time, didn't let him breath, etc... That's why he doesn't want a relationship, he suffered the opposite extreme of what the oc suffered with jin, also this would mean the oc is the complete opposite to jk's ex aka why he likes her

Anonymous said:i’m analyzing NR again and just a theory of my own: jk’s relationship with his ex girlfriend started as a fwb type and jk was the one to develop feelings first, and at first it was good and then severely went downhill? this theory is probably far from correct, but i was just piecing together the fact that he hates hookup culture, but is able to engage in it with OC, maybe jk just wanted the physical emotion or OC reminds jk of his ex? anyways i’m enjoying the story so so much! best wishes lu 💜

Anonymous said:Wait so like OC got reminded of Jin when she met JK, so I thought that maybe JK saw himself in OC? Bc sometimes they REALLY think alike.. Idk man I just had this idea.. I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH LU HAVE A NICE DAYYYY–❄️🐰

Anonymous said:I've been thinking about oc's relationship with seokjin and jk's with his ex gf. We don't know anything about her except two things: the oc reminded jk of her (as jk reminded her of seokjin) and the "don't leave me like she did" he said while drunk. If seokjin helped oc build who she is and what she wants in a relationship, we could say that maybe jk wants something that lacked in his previous relationship, like emotional support or a caring hand. It matches oc's Ice Queen reputation a bit to me

Anonymous said:Omg jks roues are definitely along the lines of “dont fall for anyone”

Anonymous said:so like, i feel as tho hyejin plays a more important role than we’re realizing. why does she seem so obsessed with jk if everyone knows he’s a fuckboy who doesn’t do relationships? why does she think she’s different? why does she think she has a chance? unless they already have a history we don’t know about...?? 🤔

Anonymous said:Personally, I wasn‘t that surprised about Jungkook not feeling the same way as OC. I don‘t blame him, he was honest from the very beginning with her. At the same time, I cannot blame OC either for feeling the way she does. Hookup culture leads you to believe that the person you‘re sleeping with should not care for you. I assume that OC interpreted the signals from JK in the wrong way, and thought he might love her when, in reality, he does care about her, but not in the way she wants. (1) ☀️

Anonymous said:JK has found smn he can talk to, and share smth else beyond sex. At the very end, I think OC might be the one who will push him outside his shell but not necessarily be the one he will fall in love with. (2)☀️

Anonymous said:I feel like oc and Jungkook might be on the same wavelength but because Jungkook clearly hasn’t gotten over his ex and whatever happened he might be pushing oc away. Plus the fact he even wants to stay friends with her is quite sweet in itself. It shows he genuinely cares about her, but probably isn’t ready to have any sort of relationship. You haven’t mentioned him having any female friends either so all of that skinship he does with oc might just be his way of being friendly??

Anonymous said:I feel like Jungkook is not over his ex and maybe he will end up with her, maybe he really does like the OC for the sex and the friendship. That's all.

Anonymous said:What if JK still likes his ex? :O

Anonymous said:Hummm sometimes I feel like in the end they're just going to be experiences for each other. I mean the OC and JK, maybe they will have none relationship at all, not friendship nor fuck buddies nor bf and gf...

dodoesdidwill said:Hyejin's line "You are really good at skating. I'm amazed" what? No way he was practicing after OC took him to skate, right? There must be something we don't know yet...

Anonymous said:Ok, if "New Rules" has taught me anything, it's to NOT judge a book by its covers. I judged Mijoo too harshly & things weren't as they seemed. Not repeating the same mistake with Kook. He was obviously hurt by someone in the past, just like the OC. Sooo... Maybe OC is not the only one with new rules? Maybe Kook was so hurt, one of his rules is to not fall in love again, or to ever put himself in a vulnerable position to be hurt again? Idk but I don't think he's that much of a dickwad

Anonymous said:Okay, so you said that we've been seeing JK through the OC's perspective and that we need to sort through the facts and her assumptions. What the anon who talked about JK having FWBs for the intimacy said really made sense to me and I thought about the fact that, if my memory serves me correctly, we've only seen JK with the OC. We have no way of knowing how he's acted in other FWB relationships. Maybe this is how he's been with all of them??? I dunno.

Anonymous said:i think new rules! jk likes OC too. this thing going on between them isn't just platonic. but the problem is, he really doesn't want to invest in a relationship, as some sort of defense mechanism (kind of like repression maybe?) i can't wait to find out more about his past and see exactly how it's correlating with his actions rn. I'm super hooked in your story lu! you never fail to deliver as always 💜

Anonymous said:I think jk is just as scared of what he feels for oc as oc is scared of what she feels for jk. Like I think oc already went through a ‘I need to protect myself from my feelings for him’ phase and I think jk is going through that now after their time at the hotel. I think he realized that he likes her a lot more than he realized and after coming back he’s trying to shut his feelings so he doesn’t go through whatever happened with his ex again

Anonymous said:JK said he hated hookup culture yet he partakes in it. My theory is that he might've done the same as OC has now done. Maybe had a sort of fwb relationship with his ex and subsequently fell for them, and they broke his heart. But again, idk if that's enough for someone to want to abstain from romantic relationships forever, though it does depend on the person. I'm probably wayyyy off but it's worth a shot :')

#new rules #anon #ladiesalute

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piesforjack · 7 years ago

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there's a lot of back and forth with this where Kent was both Jack's first and closest best friend and also Bitty was the first person he was romantically in love with and yet even with Bitty jack wasn't really aware of how he felt till last minute. Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

"You know when it’s the last summer of your childhood and you’re just hanging with your bro and you’re smoothing out his cowlick and you fondly call him Kenny while trying not to think about how mercilessly cruel fate is lol you know bros being bros" the same as "I didn't even know we were dating" Camilia

––reflect how the artist views Parse, which is sympathetically. Not to mention in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack. The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic) OR (sorry these are long, i don't mean to be contrary) (2)

(srsly sorry for spamming ur inbox) OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K. I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact. (3)

Again sorry for spamming ur inbox with these. I do agree with most of your post!! And this #confirmed isn't the last we've seen of K*nt. (4)

idk when you sent all the messages (not even sure if the first on IS your original message anyway????) but i’m JUST seeing these now. ANYWAY.

so like. i see what you’re trying to say here, but i still gotta like. push back against this a bit.

“in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack”

The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic)

obviously we know bitty is an unreliable narrator, and ngozi has made it clear that what jack and p*rse had was significant in some ways (first sexual partner, i can assume, first boy he ever kissed we assume, lots of firsts and lots of fumbling weird teenager-y beginnings etc), but it’s definitely not as significant as the scale people pretend it to be. the thing that i think is the biggest difference is that, for jack? what he had with k*nt and camilla was equal (but different.) hear me out:

we know jack and p*rse were best friends and that jack cared for him deeply at the time, but this direct parallel of “didn’t even know we were dating” camilla and “it really wasn’t more than anything physical” k*nt narratively illustrates that jack views these situations as separate but equal. jack was never in love with p*rse. we can assume (i mean we know but for arguments sake lets say it’s meta) he didn’t love camilla either. both relationships were purely physical and/or loosely resembled dating from the other persons perspective (ie. not from jack’s POV). from that we can gather that jack never considered these to be romantic relationships, even if he felt fondly of k*nt or enjoyed spending time with camilla. jack’s disconnect between romance and friendship vs how he views things with bitty is everything you need to know.

(this isn’t me comparing the relationships, bc one was obviously unhealthy and not even a defined romantic relationship, whereas the other is a committed exclusive partnership--rather this is an exemplar of jack’s interpretation of both relationships as separate and unequal in terms of quality and definition)

Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

ok i would argue heavily with the sentiment that jack isn’t highly emotionally intelligent because he’s proven time and time again that while he isn’t perfect he’s more aware than people like to believe he is. the ability to control emotions is a huge component of this particular intelligence, even more so than the expression of emotions. for example, we all know people who are emotionally sporadic, they go from happy to sad to angry to guilty all in the span of a 10 minute window. these people, though emotionally expressive and (usually) empathetic to a fault, they don’t exhibit high emotional intelligence. jack has shown over and over again that, while he can be unthinkingly insensitive and a bit cold, he’s very in tune with other peoples emotions, which is why his rudeness to bitty was so shocking and hurtful--he knows how to cut to the quick, he knows what buttons to press, how to hurt people in specific and painful ways (“it was a lucky shot”) but on the other side of that coin he also knows how to be supportive and attentive to peoples needs (pep talks and hanging around with the haus boys, all of whom are emotional and expressive, and shitty, my lord, his best friend shitty, if that doesn’t prove how not robotic and emotionally devoid jack is then idk what could.) that combined with the fact that jack is so firmly in control of his emotional expressiveness (especially including the fact that he has a history of mental illness) shows incredible resilience and deep understanding of his mental and emotional processes (ie. jack knows jack best)

((also i can already hear the “um but he didn’t realize he liked bitty until like tHe LaSt SeCoNd!!!” argument and i know i know!!!!! but i believe his ~realization~ moment was more him understanding that letting go of bitty was something he didn’t want to/have to do. i think he already knew he was sweet on bitty and that he liked him more than he allowed himself to believe. but i think his dad/gretzsky pep talk gave him the nudge, the final push to see it clearly, more of a realization of “you don’t have to leave and wonder what could’ve been, you can have all this and heaven too. you’ll never know if you never try.))

so to say that jack is essentially too blind to emotional intelligence to know the difference between his relationship with k*nt and a romantic relationship...a touch absurd and wholly inaccurate.

OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K.

this, for me, is a bit of a reach. ofc this is valid and very real, it could happen, trauma does awful things to people. however, i feel like pulling this as the reason he brushes off his not-relationship with k*nt greatly undermines the fact that jack has gone through so much. he’s had years to think about and discuss these things through therapy and rehab. i think to say that p*rse is so inexplicably linked to jack’s NDE that jack compartmentalized or repressed the actuality of that relationship is...inaccurate, given the context we have.

yes, jack cut k*nt out of his life before or after the OD, and so we can assume there was some connection there between the two events (OD and cutting k*nt out) HOWEVER, i think it greatly over-simplifies this trauma. to think that jack would come away from a NDE and thusly cope by cutting k*nt out seems to imply that k*nt wasn’t actualized as abusive until post-NDE, which makes very little sense when we look at the canonical timeline and the emotional and mental vulnerability jack would be in after trauma like that. alternatively, if jack cut k*nt out of his life pre NDE, it’s even LESS likely to be associated as one unifying repression (i speak only from my own experiences with trauma, i feel like that’s important to say) simply because that implies jack’s OD was in relation or as a result of that action.

i’m guess what i’m saying for this point is: yes it’s possible but i don’t think that’s what happened, if only because both scenarios are too p*rse centric and would revolve around p*rse to the point that it minimizes jack’s illness and trauma, which are both huge focal points surrounding jack’s OD.

I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact.

i have to disagree again. do i think k*nt is an antagonist? absolutely! but so is southern homophobia, bitty’s procrastination, and the entire nhl organization. so. yes, i’m sure k*nt will play a role in the playing out of yr 4, but i have to stress this again: this is bitty’s story. p*rse, no matter how much we link him to jack and jack’s history and jack’s narrative, will ALWAYS BE a background or side plot storyline to whatever is prevalent in BITTY’S world. that’s as a result of an unreliable narrator and also the fact that, unless p*rse begins to overlap into bitty’s life more than he has in the past, we’ll only see the peripheral view of him (which can’t be told through unreliable narration as it’s told through that of the author (ngozi) rather than bitty bc obviously bits isn’t omnipotent lol)

i’m sorry this is soooo fuckin long, it’s also super late/early? so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make 100% coherent sense, i had no intentions of writing this much but alas! it got away from me.

thanks for your thoughts, i hope i’m making any sense in here xx

#mine #kent mention #Anonymous

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justdrifting · 8 years ago

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Ooookay fandom, can we have a little chat about this "M'gann is now Space Mom" thing that's been going around since the final? At first it was just making me a little uncomfortable, but @hufflepirate mentioned something that got me thinking about it more, and now I am very uncomfortable with the whole concept.

Because, look, just because J'onn and M'gann are an ~official couple now, doesn't mean M'gann has to, or wants to, or is even remotely comfortable with taking on that role. Like obviously I don't know for sure, and she very well might, and next season may give us more insight into it, but to me, with what we know about her, it just...doesn't feel like something she'd be keen on at all? Especially not yet.

Space Dad/Papa Bear is a natural role for J'onn, because he's already been a parent, because that role or relationship is incredibly important to him and was an important facet of his identity (eg: "My first daughter. When she came along, I finally realised I had a mission in life. I had someone who relied on me. Having her gave me direction."). Even so, he'd been working with Alex for more than 2 and a half years, and with Kara for something like 8 months (?), and presumably looking out for them a lot longer, before he first even acknowledged that he considered them like daughters (1x11). And it really wasn't until the very end of Season 1 and through Season 2 that he started being more open and affectionate and really embracing that father-figure role, first with Alex and Kara, then Winn, and then Maggie a little too.

Which is to say, he's had a lot of time to figure out what he wants his relationships with the other characters to look like, and even though he's already been a father, it's still been a long process for him.

M'gann, on the other hand, has never been a parent (I mean, as far as we know, I suppose). More than that, she's hardly ever even had a family: "I had a mother, once. She wasn't warm, that wasn't our way, but she cared for me, I know she did. I'd forgotten that feeling until now, what it felt like to have a family." She literally hasn't had any close, familial relationships since she was a child, something like 500/600 years ago (ugh @ martian ages, I make that up completely).

J'onn had a wife, children, friends, a career... We don't know all that much about M'gann's life on Mars, but we do know she felt like an outsider in her society so it’s unlikely she had many friends. We know she was in an arranged marriage, she was a soldier, and then she was a fugitive. She is far, far more emotionally inexperienced than J'onn (and honestly, than most of the other characters on the show). Like, my heart breaks every single time at the vulnerable, open way she tells J'onn, "I wanted...to be your friend," in 2x10. And that it takes her a long time to figure out that what she feels for J'onn is romantic instead of platonic ("I feel it too. I have for awhile. I just didn't...know what it was."), whereas J'onn is far more confident in his feelings, suggests to me that she hasn't had anywhere near enough close, caring and emotional relationships of any kind. (Also, did you notice she always says "care" and not "love" (2x11). Has she ever had anyone tell her they love her? Has she ever told someone else? (On a scale of 1 to 10 how badly does she need a hug?))

So she's only just, just getting used to the idea that there are people who care about her, who want to help her, who want to be her friend, and who consider her family. To throw her into the deep end and expect her to suddenly take on an incredibly intense and demanding role? Surely, that would terrify the crap out of her? It's way too much pressure too soon. It's unlikely that she believes in herself enough yet as well. She seems so insecure in accepting that she means something to people. Already in 2x22 she seems more confident (the easy way she calls the other white martians her "friends", my heart), and that confidence will hopefully only grow. But she needs time.

It's also just like, not ever something she's given any indication of being interested in... She wants friends. She wants a family. Never, ever has she suggested that she wants to be a mother. Like, fuck, she needs a mom just as much as any of the other characters do.

Which is not in any way to say that parent-child relationships can't also be friendships, can't be incredibly strong and mutually supportive. But it's undeniable that the nature of a parent-child relationship is different than a regular friendship, and that for the most part the parent takes on the carer/support role. Which, yes, we know she's nurturing and caring and good at looking after people - with both Kara and Alex in 2x11 for example. But I really feel like M'gann needs support and she needs friends/family in a very different way than J'onn does.

The parent-child relationship is something that has been missing from J'onn's life, so it heals something within him [But also, can we please not make him be a father figure to every single character? Can we please let him just have a friend? James had a good dad, can't they just be mates? I digress..] But the relationships that have been missing the most from M'gann's life, the ones she most needs, are friendships, are equal relationships, are people who will support her and look after her and tell her they’re proud of her and with whom she can be as emotionally vulnerable with as they are with her.

I just… Can't she just be? Can't we let her choose for herself where she fits in the Superfam? Can't we let her develop her own relationships with the other characters, outside of J'onn's?

I don’t know, it just feels like a huge disservice to her character, and it feels like fandom just wanting her to fill a role without really giving any thought to her as a character and whether it’s one that actually fits. And we should also maybe think about why we’re so eager for the only black woman on the show to take on a maternal and emotionally supportive role towards the other mostly white characters, despite not giving any indication that that's what she wants. And then...maybe not do that.

Like I get where this trend is coming from, and I love that people are including M'gann more, and I get that it works to slot her into the superfamily in this position. But like, we're clearly all already capable of exploring non-traditional family dynamics, because obviously that's what the superfam is, so it really shouldn't be that much of a stretch to include M'gann as part of the family, as J’onn’s partner, while not necessarily ‘co-parenting’ with him. And I guess if people really do think that that’s what she’d want, then I feel like you owe it to her to give her the narrative importance to explain that choice and what it means for her, instead of just taking it as given. Because unlike with J’onn, there’s (currently) no canon backstory to ‘Space Mom’, except that she’s dating ‘Space Dad’. And that is really not a good enough reason.

Okay so I feel like this is not explained well at all, but as an example have a read of this fic by @aeveee. It seamlessly balances M'gann's relationship with J'onn, J'onn's relationship with his kids, and M'gann's friendship with Maggie and Kara, without minimising any of them, and it's a really lovely exploration of how these women might relate to and support each other (which the show has squandered). When M'gann is relegated to a purely maternal figure, that depth has the potential to get lost, and that’s a huge shame.

(And just to be clear, I'm not talking about like, tagging M'gann and J'onn as like 'my parents' or whatever, because that's a personal thing and a general fandom phenomenon I think. I'm more thinking in relation to the fic/headcanons/meta etc that I've seen, and making her in-universe 'Space Mom', rather than just an individual fan calling her mom.)

Tldr: J'onn has had a lot of time to process and get comfortable with being a father figure to the other characters, there was a very clear historical reason he chose to be, and most importantly he had agency in choosing it. Let's not take M'gann's away from her. Just because she's J'onn's partner doesn't mean she's also the Spacefam's mom. That very well may be a role she chooses to fill in the future, but it's highly unlikely she's ready for it yet, and regardless we should let her choose it for herself (which requires actually give her the space/focus in fan works to do so).

#supergirl #m'gann m'orzz #j'onn j'onzz #m'gann x j'onn #supergirl meta #or is it ~discourse? lol #supergirl thoughts #[ive been sitting on this for awhile because im scared everyones gonna hate me- please dont hate me]#and oh god this is so long i am so sorry i could talk about m'gann for days clearly #my writing #superfam

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sweetsuccesssociety · 7 years ago

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Toxic Relationships: How to Know the Signs and What You Can Do About It

Toxic relationships. We’ve all been there at one point or another. The lies, the cheating, the manipulation – unfortunately these are all things we’re all far too familiar with. But are you aware of the subtle signs that you or someone you know are in the middle of a toxic relationship? Here’s what you need to know and what you can do about it.

If you’re interested in hearing about my personal experiences being in a toxic relationship when I was younger, you can head over to my blog, A Daynna Life, to check out How I Survived an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.

1. You’re Withdrawing from other people you care about.

Have you been spending less time with your friends and family? Do you feel like you’re losing connections that you once had? Girlfriend, we’ve all been there, and it sucks. Maybe people are even making you feel guilty about spending less time with them now that you’re in this relationship. As someone who’s been on both sides of that argument, I know it’s not a fun time for anyone involved.

The thing you need to look at is what your motives are behind spending less time with people. Are you doing so because you only want to spend time with your significant other? If the answer to that is yes, I can kind of understand that from my own point of view, but it’s also important to remember than in order to have a healthy romantic relationship, you need to have other relationships outside of your significant other. It’s unhealthy to rely on one person for all of your social and emotional needs, and it’s not super fair to everyone else in your life either to cut them out completely. If the reasoning is because you’re feeling pressured by your significant other to not spend time with your friends, then that, my friend, is one of the first tell-tale signs that you’re in a toxic relationship. You should never have to feel guilty about spending time with your girlfriends or your mom, or anyone who brings positivity to your life for that matter!

2. You find yourself adjusting your own moral compass for the person you’re with.

Perhaps you have people in your life telling you that you’re not being yourself. Maybe somewhere deep down, you agree with them. The thing that makes us who we are is our moral compass, or our values. This includes what we believe in, what we feel is right and wrong, how we view important topics – you get the idea.

The point is that if you need to alter these things in order to make your relationship work, 1. your significant other isn’t appreciating you for you and is trying to change inherent characteristics about you, and 2. it’s probably not going to work out anyway. A relationship should be based on mutual love and respect for who each other are inherently. It’s perfectly okay to not like every single aspect of your significant other (for instance, it is okay to ask them to help you out with the dishes more if that’s an issue or something else relatively menial like that). It is not okay, however, to try and change who someone is inherently. If your values don’t line up, you’re with the wrong person. And if someone tries to change the other person’s values, that is setting the relationship up to be extremely toxic.

It’s okay to not like every aspect of someone. It’s not okay to try and change who someone is… Click To Tweet

3. You’re in a negative mood state more often than not.

Self-reflection is an incredibly important process of self-care in general. It’s even more important when in a difficult situation in any aspect of life, whether that be your relationship, career, etc. When you reflect, are you finding that you’re unhappy more often than not? Do you experience negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt feelings, when you think about your relationship? Believe it or not, this is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. It may take some time for you to be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, if a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, isn’t making you happy then it’s okay to let go of that relationship. In fact, it’s the healthy thing to do.

4. you feel like all of the problems in your relationship are your fault.

Whenever you get in an argument with your significant other, is the end result more often than not you apologizing while they take little to none of the blame for your argument? When you’re upset with them for something they clearly did wrong, do they somehow turn it around on you? When this happens, you often begin to feel like you can’t do anything right. Believe me, girl, I know from past experience, I’m with ya on the fact that this totally sucks. When you’re in the middle of it, you don’t realize what’s happening or why you’re feeling so shitty about yourself.

This manipulation tactic is incredibly common in toxic relationships, and it can really take a toll on your self-confidence. Take a minute and really reflect on your relationship – is this happening to you? If so, know that this pattern of behaviour isn’t a healthy one, and you need to do whatever you need to do to change it. If you don’t, I can speak from experience that the effects on your self-confidence will be detrimental and it’ll take a long time for you to heal from the damage.

5. your relationship pattern consists of the cycle of abuse.

In the world of social sciences, there’s something that many therapists, psychologists, and social workers refer to as the cycle of abuse. Essentially, there’s a consistent pattern seen in the majority of abusive relationships that goes something like this. First, the abusive behaviour occurs. Whether this is physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse, the cycle remains the same. This may be the point where the abused partner wants to leave the relationship (probably the most healthy option in a lot of cases).

Next, the abusing partner may apologize, and they may come across as genuinely sincere in their apology. In many cases, this is to stop the other person from leaving the relationship. The final step is a period of time where the abusing partner is loving, caring, and supportive. It genuinely seems like everything is perfect, which is why a lot of abused partners justify staying with their abusive partner. Everything is perfect… until it’s not. As the word “cycle” implies, tension builds up between the two partners until we’re once again at stage one, the abusive behaviour. Does this sound like your relationship?

6. You fight with your partner often.

You guys, conflict is stressful. It’s not good for anybody to have to deal with conflict on a regular basis. Your significant other is supposed to be someone that you for the most part get along with. I mean, of course you’re not going to agree on everything and some arguments are inevitable. That being said, if you’re fighting with your partner more often than you’re getting along with them, it’s time to do some reflecting on the relationship. Is this person bringing you joy? If not, what are your reasons for being with them?

7. physical altercations have occurred.

Though it may seem obvious, I think it’s important to mention this here. If your significant other has ever physically hurt you or you them, that is an incredibly toxic environment. In a healthy relationship, we should be comfortable being vulnerable with our partner without fear of being abused. If your partner hurts you, that is a huge breech of trust. And what is a relationship without a foundation of trust?

Everyone has their own reasons for staying with someone who has physically abused them (for instance, it may not be safe for them to leave at that time). It’s important to tread carefully in these situations, as things can escalate fairly quickly. Know the situation you’re in and that it’s toxic. Make a plan so that you can safely take care of yourself in whatever way is right for you. In an emergency, call 911 for your local police services.

We should be able to feel comfortable being vulnerable with our partner without the fear of being… Click To Tweet

What can you do about it?

If you think you know of someone who may be in a toxic relationship, it’s important to understand what they’re going through. Whether it’s a friend or a family member, this person, regardless of the situation, has feelings for their suspected abusive partner. Many people in toxic relationships justify pretty much anything their partner says or does (again, speaking from experience).

The more you tell them to leave that person or you talk badly about them, the more they will cling to them and the more distant they will become from you. For this reason, the subject needs to be maneuvered carefully. Let them know that you’re there for them. You can tell them that verbally, or just show them by listening to their struggles, being there for them during the hard times, and being gentle with them. The better friend you are, the more likely they’ll be open to listening to your genuinely caring thoughts.

If you are someone who has realized that your relationship is toxic, first of all, congratulations! It takes a lot of courage and reflection to come to that realization. Many people in your situation have clouded judgment from their feelings. Now you need to decide what you’re going to do about it.

Many people would tell you to just leave the relationship. In the end, this may be your best bet. However, it may be worthwhile talking to your partner first if it’s safe to do so. It’s possible that they don’t realize how their actions are affecting you (depending on exactly what those actions are). If the two of you can come to an agreement that both parties are happy with, maybe you can stick it out for a little while longer to see if anything changes. Or it may just be time to move on. That’s something that you need to decide on your own.

Thank you so much for reading! What are your thoughts on how to handle a toxic relationship? Did I miss any important signs? Let me know in the comments! Also, you can get access to the FREE RESOURCE LIBRARY by signing up for the Sweet Success Society newsletter. With four wonderful contributors, you’re in for a huge variety of content and resources to help you live your most successful life, so I recommend you don’t miss out! Talk to you soon, xo.

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