#I love my junk food but you can't live off it and feel good

[nataliesscatorccio]

i'm not being funny, Yellowjackets has genuinely changed the way that I watch tv. it's changed the way I read books, poetry. listen to music. watch movies. least of all because now I can't help but relate everything back to Yellowjackets, and most of all because it re-activated something in me that the fast-fiction streaming services tried to stomp out. it reminded me that I love to love things deeply, that I want to be consumed by the thing i'm consuming, that there's value in paying attention, in rewatching. value in consuming things for reasons that aren't checking this week's hot new binge off a to-do list like it's a job and i'm racing to finish with an invented urgency, just to reach the end and find myself unchanged and ready for the next "can't miss!" mediocre thing i'll never think about again. I want to sit down with the things that speak to me! I want to speak back to them, dissect them, understand more and understand better. I want to be inspired. by the media itself, by what other people have been inspired by within it. isn't it nice to be moved? don't you want to glut yourself on the meat of what moves you? don't you want to suck the bones dry? I couldn't have known how tired of throwing fatty scraps away I was until I found something I needed to leave bite marks in.

[bylrlve]

403-404 thoughts

(Prev post here)

Murray’s prophecy of the kids playing too much Nintendo, eating too much junk food, smoking some ganja, pounding some beers, and experimenting sexually is actually eerily accurate. Nintendo, as @gayofthefae brilliantly observed, has been equated to the Nina project. Eating junk food? The boys presumably survived on the (quickly cold) pizzas and the sodas Argyle delivered to their house - and if they stopped at gas stations… these boys would have little to no money on their persons, so junk is all they could really afford, one assumes. Smoking ganja? Jon and Argyle. Pounding beers? Not the Cali gang, but Lucas did.

Experimenting sexually? No one has sex during s4 - Jopper makeout but that’s hardly experimenting, and certainly not for adults, and he was specifically talking about the kids. None of them are in the mood for it, naturally, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is foreshadowing… something between a certain pair of boys. It couod be a cheeky reference to Will growing into his sexuality but, and forgive my crudeness here, right-hand solo sex doesn’t really fit, especially since he was talking about Jonathan, El, Mike, and Will as a group, implying a plural. In fact, this scene takes place directly after El and Mike fight, and after she is arrested. Experimenting is a very loaded word…

Never fails to get me how Mike just threw her last letter into the trash - it had already been explained that he may not see her for months, and here he is, treating her last missive to him with such disrespect. This attitude isn’t even new - he crumpled up and tossed aside the letter she’d painstakingly written and drawn rainbow designs on in the opening minutes. Meanwhile… there are Funko Pops of him proudly showing off the new painting Will made for him.

“You’re packed already?” “Yeah, I mean, I never really unpacked.” is the most blatantly subtext-ridden thing to come out of Mike’s mouth all season, and it’s the biggest piece of in-verse proof that he was fronting hard during 402 - and that was the lovey-doviest he was with El.

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate Mike saying that home isn’t home without Will? Fuck the monologue, that is the most romantic thing Mike says all season.

@bylertruth3r made the above video, showing the eerily similarity between the Byler 404 reunion and a scene in 13 Reasons Why - and this scene was originally scripted as Mike coming up to Will kneeling oj the ground, meaning it was conceived as them being much closer together.

I don’t think we appreciate, enough, that Mike monologued to Will in this scene. Not only are Jasons’s ily to Chrissy at the pep rally, Jancy’s ilys, Argyle and Eden’s LAFS, Max’s saving herself from Vecna with flashbacks, and Dustin’s ILY to Eddie all contrasts to the Mike monologue sequence in 409… but this is, too. Here are Mike’s three big monologues lain out:

"El? I don't know if you can hear this, but... but if you can, I want you to know I'm here, okay? I'm right here. And... I love you. El, do you hear me? I love you. I'm sorry I don't say it more. I... It's not because I'm scared of you. I'm not. I've never felt that way. Never. But I am scared that one day you'll realize you don't need me anymore. And I thought if I said how I felt, it would somehow make that day hurt more. But the truth is, El, I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods. You were wearing that yellow Benny's Burgers T-shirt. And it was so big it almost swallowed you whole. And I knew right then and there, in that moment, that I loved you. And I've loved you every day since. I love you on your good days. I love you on your bad days. I love you with your powers, I love you without your powers. I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero. And... I can't lose you. Okay? Do you hear me? I can't lose you. You can do anything. You can fly. You can move mountains. I believe that. I really do. But right now, you just have to fight. Okay? El. Do you hear me? You need to fight! You have to fight. Fight!” Tearing up, not crying.

“Do you remember the first day that we met? It was… it was the first day of kindergarten. I knew nobody. I had no friends. And I just felt so alone, and so scared, but… I saw you on the swings, and you were alone too,. You were just swinging by yourself. And I just walked up to you, and I asked. I asked if you wanted to be my friend. And you said yes. You said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“Hey also, about the last few days… No, no, no. You didn’t deserve anything. Listen, the truth is… the last year has been weird, you know. And I mean, Max and Lucas and Dustin… they’re great, they’re great, itd just… it’s Hawkins. It’s not the same without you. And I feel like I was worrying too much about El, and I don’t know. I feel like I… lost you, or something. I have no idea what’s going to happen next. But whatever it is, I think we should work together. I think it’ll be easier if we’re a team. Best friends. Cool.”

Some quick observations:

1 and 2 occur under near-identical circumstances - El and Will are under Vecna’s control and he’s trying to give them strength. 3 is entirely unprompted. The first occurs under a level of duress similar to that of a gun being held to El’s head, as gayofthefae observes here

The rain fight is all over the s4 bedroom scene, and it’s very clearly on both of their minds. Mike has spent the past nine months addressing every criticism of Will’s - he’s friends with Dusfin, he’s playing D&as, he only kissed El when she initiated, and broke it quickly, and he even got angry at Lucas for prioritising others over the Party - although his complaint, unlike Will’s, was irrational and unfair. He relapsed at the airport and roller rink by trying to be normal, but this scene is him course-correcting for that. Mike’s calling himself a self-pitying idiot and thanking Will for being sensible is likelt not only referring to the earlier scene in Will’s room, but to the S3 and 402 fights. If that is the intention, it makes one wonder what Mike was self-pitying about in the latter. @howtobecomeadragon discusses it in-depth here

Right from my very first watch, the proposal imagery in the s2 speech - ‘I walked up to you, and I asked. I asked if you wanted to be my _, and you said yes… you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.’ - jumped out at me. M*levens regularly theorise that the series will end with Mike and El either getting married, or engaged, citing that Lucas line from s1 as foreshadowing - but we see in s3 that Mike relies on Lucas to push him through every stage of the apology, while he doesn’t with Will, and we see bouquet imagery subverted with that gift of flowers at the airport (see below).

TOO MUCH? Mike spent the s3-4 break backsliding in the whole ‘say ILY to El’ plot… but did address the problems Will had with him. Not only that… he came to the conclusion that he worried too much about El? Specifically because he lost Will as a result? I said in the previous post that Bylers don’t talk enough about “Who… who said that I didn’t?” We definitely don’t talk enough about the anti-m*leven implications of this line, because they’re bonkers. Mike worries a lot about El when she’s away at Nina, but at home he’s distinctly distant from her -

while only drawing closer to Will

This is how he looked at Will during the 404 monologue btw: (gif credit to @palettehao and gayofthefae)

Lastly, I’ll finish this analysis post by swinging back to 402, and to the fact that Mike picking that bouquet? It doesn’t make much sense, timeline-wise. In fact, I honestly can’t figure out when he picked them.

Mike only says, on March 22, that he picked them ‘in Hawkins’ before launching into a nervous, distracting spiel about picking 70:30 purple to yellow, only maybe he picked too much yellow*, etc.

On the morning of March 21 he was still in his underwear reading over a letter to El, and was delayed going to with. He had classes at school, and was preoccupied during lunch bargaining with Eddie, bargaining wi5 various students, and finally bargaining with Erica. Between school and Hellfire he could plausibly have picked them, but that would have required cycling across town and back, when Nancy drove him to school - he didn’t have his bike at school. He also had nowhere to put them, except the backpack that presumably had school supplies in it - those flowers would not have looked so fresh had he shoved them in a backpack. Dustin also doesn’t mention him being gone prior to Hellfire. After hellfire, he went home to be there by 9 - he had to have done, otherwise he wouldn’t have been allowed on the flight.

His flight was at 6:30 and Indiana -> Cali takes 4 hrs 10 minutes. He would have been awake from very early in the morning with Karen, gathering his stuff, and then driving to the airport with adequate time to check-in and board the plane. There isn’t a hope in hell of Karen letting him randomly cycle across town in the dark for an undetermined length of time just to pick some fucking flowers, lmao. There is a strong chance, however, that Karen, the romantic, let him buy flowers and a pen in the Indianapolis airport before boarding the flight. Maybe she even purchased them.

The kicker? The bouquet of flowers had a fancy, polished-looking greeting card attached, one professionally made.

There is something deliciously meta about those flowers. M*levens have adopted yellow and purple as a symbol of the relationship - even though Mike only wore those colours to please her when he was being ‘hokey’ and a ‘knock-off’, to quote Argyle and the costume designer. I’m not even sure El truly favours those colours, as she doesn’t wear them much and doesn’t have any notable items in those colours. For all we know, she was asked if she had any favourite colours and simply picked two that came to mind.

What’s more, it seems very likely that Mike simply lied to her about putting in the effort of getting them himself, and instead relied on something pre-made and commercial. It isn’t impossible that he picked them, however (though the timing is a mystery) - we are shown at the end of the season that the field outside Hopper’s cabin has very similar flowers. But those… well… those have their own implications

*talk about subtext lmao…

To finish, I want to share a delicious finding from @sapphicjopper on twitter from last may - the working name for st4 was Tareco. There’s a song called Tareco & Mariola, all about a girl who knows her lover isn’t right for her, who knows that she doesn’t need him, and who is leaving him - ‘it’s not you who will give me the spring, the beautiful flowers I dreamed of in summer’. It’s reminiscent of the opera Nina - about a woman waiting for her lover, not accepting that he won’t return and be how she desperately wants him to be.

[mytheoristavenue]

You have me crying over your Unconventional fiction, it was so good!! Broke my heart 😭😭

I need a Pt. 3 where Leo is grieving over his lost love. April and Casey keep in touch with reader over the phone, but it's not the same of course.

Maybe someone convinces Leo to speak to reader over the phone?

Maybe after some time, reader gets to come back to New York (for college?) and reader and Leo get to reunite and try to work things out (maybe even start a relationship).

Thank you for the ask. This will be the final part to this series!

TMNT 12 Leonardo x Reader - Unconventional Pt. 3

Summary: Years have passed since you left for North Carolina, and you have mixed feelings about returning to New York for your first semester of college.

Warnings: More angst! A tiny bit of fluff too.

"I'm here," you sighed into your cell phone. "Yep. Getting off now." Just as you'd said, you carefully stepped off the train, the tile of the station slick beneath your feet. You struggled to haul your steam trunk off with you, but somehow managed. Scanning the crowd, you looked for your friend, the one you'd spoken to on the phone.

"(Y/N)!" a shrill voice called, as you spotted a ginger woman pushing passed irritated people, and darting towards you, a ravenette man being dragged behind her. "I can't believe you're really here!"

"April!" you shrieked, meeting her halfway and engulfing her in a much needed hug, before pulling her away and holding her at arms length. "God, I missed you guys so much." you beamed.

In the three years you'd been apart, your friendship with Casey and April had never once faltered. She always made a point to call you at least a few times a week, and he often texted you to check up on you, or sent you funny videos he found online. You had even managed to talk to the turtles on occasion. Your T-Phone had broken ages ago, but every once in a while, April would let Mikey or Donnie sit in on a call to say hello.

As you exited the subway, you chittered without friends about what had happened while you were away, and what the future had in store. Some how, the topic of living arrangements came up, and April was appalled to find that you hadn't secured an apartment yet. "What do you mean you haven't found a place yet?!"

You chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of your neck. "Well, I originally intended to move into the dorms, but they only allow payment by the semester and I don't have eight grand just laying around." you explained with a small smile. "I've got enough to put me up in a hotel for the night, I'll go house hunting tomorrow." you reassured, but obviously, this wasn't enough.

"Like hell!" she scolded. "How are going to waste your money on a hotel when not having enough money was the problem in the first place?"

"Well, what other choice do I have?" you shrugged. "I'll be fine, really."

"Absolutely not," she protested. "You're staying with me tonight." Before you had the chance to protest, she was already dragging you back down the steps into the subway system. As you walked, you began to become cautious of her intentions when she hung a sharp right that lead the three of you deeper into a seemingly defunct station.

"April, where are we going? I thought you lived on 31st?" you pondered, withdrawing your hand from hers as she lead.

"Not anymore, I moved out." she simply said, grabbing your hand again, before marching forward with even more vigor than before.

"Maybe this is a bad idea," Casey piped up from behind. "Babe, let's not do this. We could just stay with her in the hotel." Your head instantly snapped back to look at him, his features coated in uncertainty. If Casey Jones, the king of bad ideas, was unsure about this, than it was definitely not something you wanted to be apart of.

In the distance, you could hear chatter and background noise, and taking note of your surroundings, the color left your face. You spotted a broken skateboard, half submerged in sewage, and junk food wrappers scattered about. Even worse were the ruminants of deteriorating pizza boxes everywhere, becoming more numerous as you went further. It suddenly clicked for you where she was taking you, and Casey was right. This was a very bad idea.

"April, stop! I don't want to see them!" you vocalized, trying to tear yourself away from her. She finally let go and stopped, turning to look you in the eye.

"But they miss you, (Y/N)! They already know you're back in town, and they're just gonna come find you if you don't visit." she rationed.

You felt anger bubble in your chest as your fists balled themselves. "you told them I was coming back?! I specifically told you NOT to do that! April, how could you?"

The ginger rolled her eyes at your anger, clearly not understand her mistakes. "Are you really that mad?"

"Yes! I don't want to be here, April!" you shouted, huffing to turn back around and leave the way you'd come. You were born and raised in New York, surely you could find your way.

"(Y/N)?" you blood ran cold at the laid back voice that called out to you, knowing exactly who it was, and that there was no way you could leave now. Slowly, you pivoted on your heels with the fakest smile you could muster and wave back at him.

"Hey Mikey..."

-----

You were now sitting on that old familiar couch, crowded with ghosts from your past, having the absolute worst time. You felt sick, like you could vomit at any moment, without warning. Despite this, you continued to humor the turtles as they all rambled to you about what they'd been up to the last three years. There was nothing you wanted more than to leave again and never have any contact with these people again.

That was made ten fold when you noticed Leo standing in the doorway to the dojo, staring you down. Unbeknownst to you, he was feeling exactly how you were- nauseous and faint. Were couldn't been any words that anyone could string together to make him understand. Not how he felt, not why your were in his living room, nothing. Unwilling to deal with this at the moment, he turned away and went back into the dojo.

Apart of you felt an overwhelming grief watching him turn his back on your again, but the other part was so grateful. You could now go back to hating your current situation without the added pressure. Unluckily for you, it had already been decided that you'd sleep here, and you'd have much more torture to sit through as the night progessed.

-----

The lair laid quiet, all of it's inhabitants asleep, apart from you. You bustled around the living room, collecting your things and hasting tossing them into your trunk. Mentally, you went over a list of what you'd unpacked. Clothes, check. Wallet, check. Phone, check. With bated breath, you locked the final latch on your steamer and collapsed the handle, deciding to simply carry it and not risk the wheels making any noise. Finally, you were ready to make your escape.

"Leaving already?" a tired voice called from the kitchen, prompting you to freeze. How does this keep happening! Laughing nervously, you set the trunk down and turned to confront the person who'd caught you.

"N-No! Just going out for a snack-" you once again froze, that sick feeling bubbling back up in your throat, almost intense enough to make you visibly gag. "Leo?"

"It's just weird that you'd take your clothes with you to go get a snack. Especially at one in the morning." he chided, sipping from a glass of water and leaning against the countertop.

"Don't act like you care," you rolled your eyes. "Yes, I'm leaving. Just keep quiet about it, please."

"Were are we going?" he asked smugly, setting his drink down. "I don't know how many restaurants are open right now, but I bet we could find something."

You stared at him through glossy eyes, picking up your suitcase and marching up to the stairs. "That's enough, Leo. I really can't handle your shit talking right now. I just want to be away from you."

His brows furrowed, his hurt pride now becoming more important than his joy of seeing you again. "Go then. But don't say I didn't try."

You halted in your tracks, balled your fists and stomped back over to him, entirely snapped and no longer caring if you woke anyone up or not. "You didn't try, Leo! All you've ever done is hate me and bully me ever since I met you! The last time I saw you, you refused to even say goodbye, and then you never even called!" your chest heaved as tears began to flow freely from your eyes. "And then, after I was dragged here against my own will, when you saw that I was back, you didn't even bother to say anything! Don't you dare say you've tried!"

Leo stood in front of you, and for the first time he took the full force of your beratements, with nothing to say. When he finally did think of something, you didn't even give him the chance. "(Y/N), I-"

"Don't you '(Y/N)' me!" you sobbed, wiping fat tears off on the sleeve of your shirt. "I loved you, Leo! I don't know why, but I did, and all I ever wanted was for you to say one nice thing about me, but you can't even do that! You made it your mission to make my life here a live hell, and now that I'm back you expect to be able to go on midnight snack runs with me and have a cute little back and forth?!"

"Well, no-"

"Just stop." you finally said, hanging your head. "I never even intended for you guys to know I was coming back, because I didn't want to see you. Please, if you have any shred of respect for me, just let me go and don't tell anyone."

"Please don't go." he muttered desperately, catching your attention.

"Why does it matter to you?" you responded sadly, sniffling away the last few tears you had to offer.

"You're really unconventional in how you do things." he finally said quietly, and a bit shamefully.

"Leo, what does that even mean?" You questioned suspiciously, setting your trunk down to relieve your arm of it's weight.

"You said I can't say anything nice about you." he replied, in an almost annoyed tone.

"So that's your idea of a compliment?" you scoffed, shaking your head at him.

"I meant it in a good way." he clarified with a deep breath, refusing to let himself loose his cool again. "It's just something I admire about you."

"That's funny," you dismissed. "I didn't think you admired anything about me."

Guilt ate away at Leo as he continued to shift his gaze between you and the floor. "Look," he finally sighed, sitting down on the couch. "I wont make you stay. Please just here me out, and if you still wanna leave, I'll let you, no strings attached. I just have to get this off my chest."

You groaned, dropping your things and sitting down as well, as far from him as possible. "Whatever, just hurry up. Nothing you could say could change my mind."

With the inhalation of deep breath Leo turned to you, and for possibly the first time, he looked you in the eye. "I want you to know that above all else, I'm sorry." he began, deciding that putting any explanation before an apology would simply be inappropriate. "Secondly, I want you to know that I think I've done a lot of growing over the last few years and...there've been some bad habits I've had to work myself out of, and how I treated you was one of them."

"Cruelty doesn't count as a habit if it's only towards one person, Leo." you scoffed, dramatically rolling your eyes with arms crossed.

"I wouldn't necessarily call it cruelty, per say." he digressed. "But more how I process my feelings...and show affection." Your eyes widened a bit at his half confession.

"Are you really going to sit here and say you bullied me relentlessly over some stupid crush you didn't know how to express?" You spat, eyes narrowing venomously. "Because that's fucking pathetic."

"But it's the truth." he confirmed. "That doesn't make it any less wrong, though. I truly am so sorry, (Y/N). I don't expect forgiveness, but I wanted you to know that there was never a problem with you, it was all me."

You sat in silence for a moment, emotions a flurry of negative and positive. "Thank you for telling me this." you finally said calmly. "But I'd still like to stay somewhere else tonight. I don't feel comfortable here." Leo felt his heart break over you again, just as it bad many times before, and he hung his head low. "But you can walk me there, if you want."

-----

The trek across town was mostly quiet. there was so much to said, but it seemed no one had the right. Leo politely carried your trunk as you walked along side him to the closest budget in. He looked the place up and down while you booked a room in the lobby. He didn't like it at all. It was run down and shady, with barred windows siding, and tacky, dated furnishings. Though, he guessed he didn't have the right to complain if you felt safer here then in his home.

"Well, this is me," you sighed as you both strolled over to your door. "I booked this room for three days, that should give me plenty of time to find an apartment without- well, ya know." He nodded, humming in agreement.

"Well...I guess I'll let you sleep then." he muttered softly, turning to leave.

"Hey, uhm- Leo?" you called out, voice laced with uncertainty.

"Yeah?" he replied, a little too excitedly, turning back to you with a hopeful gleam in his eye.

"M-maybe we could get coffee together sometime this week? After I find a place and get settled in, I mean."

"Coffee...y-yeah. I'd like that, thanks."

Taglist:

@sunshinesdaydream @helpyaw @thelaundrybitch @momii @camillahorne26 @turtle-babe83 @fyreball66 @sharpwindow @roseygardenfan @witchofthenorthstar @pheradream15 @post-apocalyptic-daydream

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

TBB S2 Ep10 Thoughts!

"Yes, but with a few repairs it will be a slightly operational heap of junk." TECH BESTIE WHY U GOTTA BE SO SASSY I LOVE IT

"Oh. Ingenious Idea." bajdhabxjhanwnxjs CUTE

Also just the fact that Tech taught her how to trace a binary reference code

Or just in general, how he taught her how to use his data pad and let's her use it all the time. I imagine that's not a piece of equipment he gives to just anyone

I like Benni's tattoo but,,,,, he's so tiny why tattoo???

ALSO "WHAT ABT WATER RATIONS?"???? OMG TINY R U OK???

"Mako always takes care of his crew." hmmmmmm yea RIGHT I TOTALLY BELIEVE U

I'm sorry, but the ENTIRE batch on that one speeder???? meme material wth that was so FCKING FUNNY CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT CONVERSATION???

"Alright, I'll drive. Wrecker, you shall sit in the middle, which is technically not a seat. Hunter you'll have to sit all the way in the back, facing the other way and almost fall off, but at least you will be able to be a lookout. Omega, as a treat, you'll get to sit behind me. The only comfortable seat on this entire speeder."

5 mins down the road:"TECH, HUNTER JUST FELL OFF!" "Oh."

The way they took Benni down? dang that was impressive. Specially looking at Omega here. I forgot our girlie gained a lot of skill and guts since last season

Also loving how much Wrecker is enjoying scaring Benni. The way he grabs him and then chuckles when Benni tries to run off I'm---

quick question for the group; is Mako supposed to be Zygerrian? I didn't think about it until the end of the ep when I noticed his eyes looked Zygerrian and he had Zygerrian-esque ears

that little moment between Omega and Benni before Mako showed up???? her telling him he doesn't have to live this way, giving him food, showing him the report, talking abt how her family values her???

talking about their respective homes, BENNI APOLOGIZING???

i ship it :')

Also the boys just talking via their communicators while tinkering with the ship has the same vibes as me and my bestie face-timing while we're doing our make-up before going out. i love it

"So you think you can come here and steal from me?" "Technically-" yes baby tell him >:]]

"One stray shot and we're all done for." "We don't miss." EXCUSE ME SIR HOW DARE U SAY HOT SHIT LIKE THAT

okay okay okay okay

THAT MOMENT WHEN OMEGA'S SUPPOSED TO GET TOSSED, BUT SHE SEES HUNTER FIRING THE GRAPPLING HOOK SO SHE GRABS THE DROID, PULLS IT DOWN AND THAT CATCHES HUNTERS HAND TOTALLY FOCUSED AND CALM??? THE WAY SHE CASUALLY USES HIS PACK TO CLIMB BACK UP AND THIS SEEMS SO NORMAL TO THEM THAT IT DOESN'T EVEN REQUIRE A "good job kid" OR SOMETHING????

OMEGA HAS BEEN TRAINING AND SHE'S GETTING MORE AND MORE BADASS AND I'M HERE FOR IT

ngl, I thought Mako's death was a little sloppyly and lazyly done, but then again these are 20 min episodes so you can't really blame them

that last little convo between Omega and Benni???? SO CUTE

Tech's reluctant "what is it?" was so sweet to me especially considering the previous episode. I feel like he's trying harder to acknowledge her feelings and I AM SOFT

and then he tries (and succeeds) to encourage her and pats her shoulder and WAH YES GROWTH :)))

This ep was kinda filler-esque but I really enjoyed it anyway. Sad we didn't get Rex and Echo picking them up, but yanno, I'm not complaining. This was so sweet and fun and nice to watch :))

[griffin-girl-r]

Run

Created: 10.08.2022

Finished: 11.08.2022

Edited: 13.09.2023

Age: 17

Word count: 4,198

Based on: The movie 'Run'

Note: The plot had been altered to fit a happy ending

Warnings: Blood, Different health issues, Mental disorder, Medicine, Poison, Lies, Fainting

Request: Yes (Tumblr user)

—

"Is she going to be okay?" Natasha looked with tear-filled eyes at the baby inside the incubator

Bruce took a step forward and put his hand on her shoulder "She's got some serious problems, Nat, and she's very small. Giving birth at only 5 months of pregnancy can be very risky for you as well as for the baby."

"Is she going to be okay?!" Natasha repeated as she tried to fight back a sob, her eyes never leaving the baby, her baby

"With a lot of care and attention, she'll survive." Bruce explained "And despite the health problems she has, your baby can easily live an almost normal life."

Natasha sniffed as she pressed her hand harder on the incubator in hopes that this would help her be closer to you "I'll make sure she'll survive."

—

*17 years later*

The Avengers were all sitting in another boring meeting when suddenly Tony started talking about how Peter would go off to college very soon and about how fast the time passed.

"I can't believe my boy has grown so much." Tony smiled but everyone could swear that he was tearing up behind his sunglasses "Who will now be there for him to remind him to eat or rest enough? Who will do the grocery shopping for him now and buy him everything he actually needs not just junk food?"

"It's a hard time in a parent's life to let their child finally go, Stark." Clint started to play with the pen in his hand "Trust me, I got 3 and it never gets easier. Especially for us that we're walking targets and we're afraid they'll come for our kids as a form of revenge towards us. But we'll also be proud to see how well they can actually do on their own."

Tony pretended to play it cool as he turned his head towards Natasha and chuckled "You've been really quiet, Romanoff. Aren't you scared that something could happen to your daughter now that she'll go to college?"

"No." Natasha replied nonchalantly

"No?" Steve questioned "Nat, we know how much you love your daughter and protect her. We know it can't be that easy for you to let her go. Especially since she's..." Steve couldn't bring himself to say it "You know... She's..."

"Intelligent?!" Natasha interrupted him "Brave? Much more capable of taking care of herself than any adult in this room? I know my daughter. I gave birth to her. I raised her. Y/N is better than all of us. So if anyone needs to be worried about their child, that's Tony." She pointed to the man in question "Not me."

Steve wanted to say "sick" but hearing Natasha's protests he gave up on that thought.

Clint knew exactly this was just Natasha using her well-known poker face in a successful attempt to hide her feelings but he said nothing.

—

You sighed and put your blanket over your head as the morning alarm rang once again to wake you up.

Sticking one hand from under the blanket you stopped it and made your way out of the bed.

It was another boring day of your boring life.

Thanks to the fact that you were born such a small baby and thanks to your mom's health issues when it came to her having babies, now you're stuck in an endless loop.

You get out of bed and hardly make your way towards the bathroom.

For a moment you stare at yourself in the mirror then wash your face and proceed to brush your teeth.

After this part of the routine is completed you make your way just as hard as before towards the kitchen.

"Good morning, sweetie." Natasha kissed your head once you sat in your chair at the table

"Morning, .ama." You yawned and Natasha giggled

"I made breakfast." She smiled as she put the plate with food in front of you

You smiled back at her "Thanks, Mama." And proceeded to eat

"Don't forget these, baby." Your mother put in front of you a glass of water next to your daily pills "So when was the last time we saw a movie together?"

—

You were born with a set of serious health problems that included: arrhythmia, hemochromatosis, asthma, diabetes, and an easy form of paralysis that is responsible for you moving your legs way too harder than a normal person does.

Arrhythmia: An abnormality of electrical impulses in the heart, causing irregular heartbeats.

The orange pill in front of you.

It made you not feel as funny in your chest as you do when your heart starts beating out of its normal rhythm.

Hemochromatosis: An excess accumulation of iron in the bloodstream, causing rashes and nausea.

The white pill in front of you.

You hated that every morning you woke up feeling sick and if it wasn't for this pill, you would constantly throw up.

Asthma: An inflammation of the airways in the lungs, causing difficulty in breathing.

You knew what was coming right after breakfast. You had to use your inhaler.

Your mom had these things stashed all around the house, the car and she's always carrying one with her.

Diabetes: An impairment of the pancreas to produce insulin, causing unstable glucose levels.

You knew the drill.

If it was too high you had to make an injection. If it was too low your mom gave you some chocolate.

You always prayed you had it too low.

Paralysis: An inhibition of muscle function, causing an inability to move, feel, walk, or run.

Run...

Something you will never be able to do.

When you were born, Bruce told your mama that you would never be able to use your legs but Natasha was stubborn. She couldn't accept the fact that her daughter would never walk so she researched day and night to find a solution for your problem.

Her solution was followed by countless hours of physical recovery but she achieved her goal.

Slowly but surely, her care and the physical therapy you were doing every day at home offered you over time the ability to walk. Still a little harder than normal people do but you are walking and Natasha was happy with just that.

But running was one thing you'll never be able to do and you made your peace with that.

—

"Do you know when the mail will come today?" You hopefully asked your mom

"I have no idea baby girl but don't worry. If there is a letter from any university, you'll be the first to open it." Natasha smiled and put a book on the table for your daily lessons

It was no surprise that you were homeschooled.

Natasha was very overprotective of you. As a matter of fact, you rarely even left the house at all and when you did, you were always in Natasha's company.

You didn't even have friends.

To keep yourself busy, you developed a passion for engineering and building different machines and computers on your own. Natasha provides you with anything you could need to work on your passion.

Sure, Clint's kids visit you as often as they can, and twice a week Peter comes to talk with you and tell you how the outside life is.

You both were now 17 but very soon you and Peter will turn 18 and both of you were waiting for your letters from the universities you applied for.

Peter was only 2 months older than you and you have been really close from the first moment you met each other.

He was Tony's adopted son but try and tell that to Tony.

And you were Natasha's miracle daughter, born from an experiment.

—

"Please don't lie to me, Peter." You skeptically looked at your friend

"I'm not lying Y/N." He defended himself "Look. Here it is." Peter pulled out of his pocket his acceptance letter from the university

You snatched it from poor Peter's hands and quickly looked over it.

"Off..." You deeply sighted "Mine still hasn't arrived. What is it taking so long?"

Natasha could hear you from the basement where she was throwing away the third letter you received from another university that was honored to have you as their student.

She wasn't planning on letting you go ever.

Natasha was afraid that you would die alone in the cruel outside world. She was scared of losing you.

Her little baby girl can't go off to college alone. There are too many dangers and you're still so fragile and so in need of her help.

—

It wasn't up till one day when you decided to look through the grocery bag that your mom left on the counter in hopes of getting to steal more candies to eat behind your mother's back, that you found something unexpected.

It was a medicine bottle with Natasha's name on it.

This was new. You never saw these meds before. Let alone know that your mama needed them.

But before getting the chance to have a good look at them, you heard Natasha coming towards the kitchen. So as fast as you could, you returned to your seat and pretended to work on your homework.

—

You said nothing about the pills you found but you were determined to find out what were they and what they were used for.

Natasha started to give you these pills telling you they were actually for you, that the doctor gave you some new medicine to take, and that it was for nothing more than to prevent you from passing out whenever your heart started acting up and beating like crazy.

At first, you believed her.

She was your mom after all. Right?

All she ever did was to take care of you.

—

"Mama, why was your name on the bottle?" You finally had the courage one night to ask your mom about the pills

"What are you talking about baby?" Natasha turned around and leaned on the door frame after she tucked you in

"I've seen your name on the bottle. Which means that you should be the one taking the meds, not me." You confidently looked at your mom

Natasha lightly laughed "Oh no honey. My name was on the receipt. You know, they lately put the receipt on the bottle. That's why there is my name on the bottle and not yours."

"Oh." You were confused "I guess you're right. I'm sorry for accusing you, Mama."

"That's okay my love." Natasha softly smiled "I forgive you. Now off to bed with you." She put her hand on the light switch and turned it off

Natasha left, closing the door behind her, and you pulled your blanket more over your shoulders.

—

But Natasha's answer wasn't enough for you.

After almost half of the night where you just tossed and turned in bed, you decided to get up and find out more about those pills.

You quietly made your way towards the computer that was downstairs.

You looked on all sides before opening up and searching for the name of the medicine.

Your heart was beating out of your chest as you anxiously waited for the results of your search to show up on the screen.

But instead of the results, the screen showed up the text that let you know the computer had no Internet connection.

Only if your mom allowed you to have a phone.

You defeatedly made your way back up to your room, unaware of the fact that this entire time Natasha was watching you from the dark and she was the one who cut the Internet connection.

—

"You can't treat your clients like this. Leaving us in the dark for the entire night." You saw Natasha argue on her phone while you sat down on your chair at the dining table "I hope this never happens again." Your mom ended the call

"Was it about the Internet connection?" You sighed as Natasha sat in front of you

"Yes." She nodded "But how do you know it was about the Internet, baby?"

"I tried to use the computer last night." You shily said "I tried to figure out why the processor of my new invention isn't working."

You lied. You were not just going to reveal to Natasha that you suspect something strange is happening.

But Natasha knew you were lying and she played your card.

"So did you find out why wasn't it working?" She asked as watched you from the corner of her eye

You shook your head "No. How could I?! The Internet wasn't working." You decided to push your luck "If only I had a phone."

"Nice try, baby." Natasha laughed "But don't worry. I'm sure you'll figure it out on your own. You're my smart girl."

—

You were her smart girl but you were also her stubborn girl and you weren't going to give up till you hadn't learned all the truth.

So you took advantage of the fact that your mom left the house to water the plants in your garden outside and went to her room, you called Peter.

"Hello?" Peter answered the call

"Peter, I need your help." You were watching your mom through the window to make sure she didn't come inside

"Y/N? What happened? Is there something wrong?" He asked concerned

"I need you to look something up for me on the Internet and tell me what it's used for." You quickly answered and proceeded to tell him the name of the medicine

"So here it says that is used for severe cardiac problems..." Peter read a whole list of things that it had treated with that medicine "Wow! Is that what you're suffering from? That's nasty!"

"There's no time for that, Peter... I need you to tell me what color they are." You rushed Peter into answering

"The color... the color..." Peter repeated while he searched for photos of the medicine "Ah! Here it is. They are red."

Your brain stopped working for a moment and the phone fell from your hand.

Red...

The pills you were taking were half green, half grey.

No red.

"Y/N? Y/N? Are you still there?" Peter shouted through the phone trying to catch your attention once again "Is that all you wanted to know?"

"Yes, Peter. Thank you." And with that, you ended the call and rushed out of your mom's room

Your mom had been tricking you.

But why?!

What were these meds actually for?

—

"I see you figured it out." Natasha startled you as she opened your door

Your mind instantly raced to what happened today.

"What do you mean?" You slightly panicked

"You figured it out. I knew you could do it." She pointed with her head towards your invention that was now working

"Yes. Yes, I did." You smiled as you sighed in relief

Natasha came closer and handed you the meds with a glass of water.

"Good night, baby girl." She kissed your head

"Good night, Mama." You flashed a smile her way then looked back at the book that was in your lap and pretended to keep reading

Natasha looked one more time at you before closing the door behind her.

—

"When was the last time we watched a movie?" You smiled at your mom the next morning during your breakfast

Natasha's face instantly lit up as a wide smile appeared on her face "What do you want to watch?"

—

You successfully made Natasha agree to take you out to the city to watch a movie together at the cinema.

Your plan was set in motion.

You were going to find out what those pills were for one way or another.

—

"I'm going to get more water." You whispered to your mother in the middle of the movie as you shook the empty bottle in front of her "Tell me what I miss."

"I won't." Natasha chuckled as she watched you stand up and leave

Going out of the cinema you took off towards the pharmacy that was right across the street and from where your mom always bought your meds.

—

You sighted as you saw the enormous line of people that were waiting there.

So you decided to play the disabled person card.

"Excuse me. I'm disabled. Please let me through." You shouted as you exaggerated your walk to show people that they should let you in front

"Hey, Y/N." The lady from the desk greeted you "Where's your mama? Is Natasha here too?"

"Yes!" You rushed to answer as you put one on the desk one pill "But I need to find out what is this pill used for."

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry but this is confidential information and I'm afraid I can not give it to you without your mama being here." The lady apologetically smiled at you

"Please..." Then an idea popped up in your mind "We're playing a game! It's a hunting treasure game and to find the treasure, I need to find out what this pill is used for because this is a clue that will get me closer to being the one who wins."

The lady thought for a second about your words then sight "Okay, Y/N. If you say so." And she started to search on her computer what that pill was

You were looking around scared. Praying that Natasha wouldn't come look for you here.

"Ah, here it is." The lady said "Here it says that it's a medication used to treat the persons that are suffering from bipolar disorder. It should calm them and their mood swings. Made them more relaxed and..."

The lady kept on explaining but you weren't listening to her anymore.

Natasha gave you medicine that wasn't yours. Why? Why would she do that? Why do you need to calm down?

You felt how your heart started to beat faster and faster and faster. Your hands started to shake and you could feel the blood rising and see the world spinning till it became blurry.

That damn arrhythmia. It was the worst time for it to start acting up.

"Y/N!" Natasha desperately shouted as she ran to your side "Baby, talk to me! Say something!" She cupped your face

She reached you just in time before your legs gave up on you and you passed out in her arms.

"What did you tell her?!" Natasha shouted angrily at the lady behind the desk "It's okay, baby. I catched you." Natasha whispered as she held you tight in her arms slightly stroking your hair "I got you, baby. Mama got you."

—

Natasha gently laid you down on your bed once she took you back home and left the room after that in a hurry.

A few hours later you woke and tried to get out of your room only to find out that Natasha locked you in there.

"Mama!" You shouted "Mama, please! I just want to talk to you! I promise I won't do anything! I just need answers!"

When you received no response you decided to try and unlock the door only to realize that Natasha not only locked the door but she actually blocked it from the other side so it would be impossible for you to open it.

You had to escape now.

So you decided to get out through your window after you secured some wires around your waist and then crawled on the roof till your mother's window and broke it.

Crawling back inside you rushed to your room, unclocked it, and barely reached your inhaler just in time.

After you caught your breath you made your way to the stairs.

What a great time for your legs to give up on you because just when you were at the top of the stairs, your legs gave up and you fell all the way to the bottom of the stairs.

You looked at your hands and saw cuts and scratches and after you checked the right side of your head, you understood that there was a bleeding cut.

But you didn't have time to cry over something so little as falling down the stairs.

You made your way on the lonely road that led to your house and stopped the first car that was coming that way, which happened to be the mailman's car.

"Y/N? What are you doing here?" He ran to your side

"I need your help. Please. My mama tried to hurt me. She gave me medicine that was for her, not for me. Help me please."

"Y/N, are you sure, kid?" The man asked

But before you got the chance to answer him, your mom's car pulled behind the mailman's.

"Baby?" Natasha started running to you worried when she saw the state you were in "Baby, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"Miss Romanoff, please stop." The mailman stepped in front of Natasha, blocking her way to you

"What are you talking about?! I need to go to my daughter! I need to make sure she's okay!" Natasha shouted

"Natasha..." The man whispered "She said you were hurting her."

"What?!" Your mom asked confused "Can you hear what you're saying right now?! Me? Hurt my daughter? You know I could never do that. She's just feeling off because there were some new meds that she was given."

"Look, I'll take her to the hospital and we'll talk more there." The man said

Natasha nodded and walked back to her car.

"So the hospital or the police?" The man whispered to you as he helped you get up in his van

"The police." You smiled relifed "Thank you so much."

But before you got the chance to even leave that place, Natasha knocked unconscious the poor man who tried to help you.

—

You woke up in a strange room.

But as you fully came back to your senses you realized you were in the one room, you weren't allowed in.

The basement.

As you looked around at the room where Natasha was spending her free time you noticed the letters from the universities in the trash.

You were accepted.

To every college you applied for.

Natasha kept this as a secret from you.

You got so angry that you started throwing all around the room the trash and the letters till you noticed a strange box.

On the box there was a name very similar to your mother's name and yet not hers at the same time.

'Natalia Romanova' was the name on the box.

Your mom's name is 'Natasha Romanoff' not 'Natalia Romanova'... Right?

Even though Natasha chained you by one leg you managed to find a way of reaching the box and started looking through it.

There were a few pictures of your mom when she was younger, one when she was pregnant with you, and one of yourself as a baby. Then there was your birth certificate, a paper where were listed all of your health problems, and one paper that clearly said that your mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Your mom was sick?!

"We can start again, baby." Natasha softly explained as she reached the bottom of the stairs "No meds. No nothing. Just us two like we were before."

"You tricked me!" You shouted in her face "Was I ever even sick? You poisoned me!"

Natasha shook her head "I protected you! The outside world it's very dangerous, baby girl, and you are too fragile to fight alone. You need me."

You thought for a second "No... You need me."

You managed to lock yourself inside the storage closet before Natasha had time to reach you.

"Baby, please..." Natasha knocked on the door "Please open the door. We can talk about this."

But you knew what you had to do. You took the first bottle of chemicals that was inside there and drank it.

When she heard no answer Natasha took down the door and let out a desperate scream as she saw you lying down with blood pooling out of your mouth.

—

Bruce and his team managed to save you and Natasha never felt more scared and desperate in her entire life.

But before she got the chance to see you Bruce talked with you a little, first.

He managed to tell you about the problem your mom has and he told you that Natasha accepted getting help for you because she wants to start again and give you more freedom.

Natasha understood where her mistake was and she accepted specialized help.

And you decided to forgive her and give her a chance.

You knew your mom wouldn't hurt you on purpose. She couldn't control herself when she did and you were planning to help her.

—

*7 years later*

Natasha did change and everything went back to normal again.

She seeked professional help, you went to college and graduated last year.

You both left it all behind and were now looking ahead to a brighter future.

One where you helped each other and took care of one another while overcoming everyday challenges.

You both understood that you needed each other to keep living a normal life.

—

[adobe-outdesign]

Thoughts on Varoom and Revavroom's designs?

This entire line is pretty neat, in my opinion. We haven't really had anything resembling a car Pokemon, let alone something as specific as an engine, so the concept alone immediately stands out.

The idea could've easily gone too far in the mechanical direction and ended up not feeling like a living creature, but thankfully, the line avoids this. It's established that some kind of poison-type Pokemon (Muk, maybe?) inspirited an engine, making it a semi man-made modern Pokemon. This explains why it's an engine in the first place. It's also established that they use the rocks they cling to as food/fuel, which both ties back into the engine thing but also provides a reason for them having wheels.

In addition, Varoom makes sense as a pre-evo. I don't claim to know anything about engines, but Bulbapedia claims it's a "single-cylinder internal combustion engine; specifically, those found in small engine applications". This makes both stages work conceptually, as it's basically going from a small-size application engine to a revved-up larger engine.

It's also pretty solid in terms of design. I don't know anything about cars, but the striped areas on the head protrusion gives it a unique visual pattern. The smooth body is contrasted with the rough rock base, and the bit of purple on the exhaust pipe indicates its poison-typing. The face is also very interesting; I can't think of any other Pokemon off the top of my head that has a protruding mouth and side-facing eyes like this. It's not too complex, but not too simple either, and I quite like it overall.

Revaroom is supposedly a "multi-cylinder internal combustion engine", i.e., the kind of thing you'd find on a hotrod car, more or less; this makes sense in terms of progression, but allows for a good amount of design differences compared to its pre-evo.

It has all of the same good things going for it that Revaroom does visually—the various poison-tipped exhaust pipes, the contrast between rocks and body, and a unique face—but also adds some things. Namely, the part up top that resembles the scoop(?) of many engines, but also is its mouth, complete with a tongue:

I love this addition; it feels almost like a cleaner version of a an Ed Roth illustration, which is an energy I can't really say any other Pokemon sports.

My only real issue with this line—which isn't all that important overall—is that I find it weird that the line floats, because A) it doesn't really need to, and B) it seems like it self-defeats the whole "rock wheels" thing it has going on. I also wish we got to see these attached to more vehicles; it would be fun if you could just stumble upon the odd one attached to a car, with a 'dex entry about how they tend to take over abandoned vehicles in junk yards or something like that.

Regardless, this is an incredibly solid line with distinct designs and and a unique concept. Definitely a welcome addition to the Paldean 'dex.

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Do you think Stan will have a junk food phase in the beginning of his sobreity?

Cause I can't see him as a smoker, unless he stayed an edgy goth teenager

I can't see Kyle as a smoker either. Nor actually being fond of alcohol

I’m with you on that I can’t see either of them as a smoker really, but I must admit I can see Kyle having the occasional cigarette moreso than Stan (I have no explanation for this other than Jwink’s Winter Butterfly lmfao). None of my versions of the characters have done much smoking, other than the odd Kenny, Kyle, and Craig. Now if Stan’s foray with the goth kids continued, definitely, though I also enjoy when he has asthma so idk. Stan’s definitely not fond of weed tho, I will stand my ground on that Randy turned him off of it for life lmao.

Kyle I see as more of a wine guy on the occasion that he does want a drink (this is probably also Jwink’s fault tbh what can I say I enjoy a lot of their Kyles), but not in excess and pretty rarely. Ofc I’m of the headcanon that later timeline OJV Kyle has his trivia night hangouts at the local bistro with Craig, but that’s the only time either of them really drink, especially with their husbands in the program.

Onto the bulk of the ask! I ABSOLUTELY think Stan had a junk food phase in early sobriety! Excessive alcohol consumption kills your appetite and depletes your body of pretty much every vitamin in the book, and I said before that if Stan looks a little more filled out it probably means his drinking is under control. Once he’s over the withdrawal hump and can keep food down again, he’s RAVENOUS especially for anything that provides quick energy. Snacky type foods in particular, mainly in the evenings when he’d previously be drinking, as a replacement habit. And while I see him as more of a salty guy than a sweets guy (ironic considering what a sweetheart he is), he went crazy on the chocolate early on. He’s definitely a chocolate guy I stand by that. Ice cream was a staple in apartment 3 for a while. I feel like he was constantly eating for a hot minute there, recovering from his final bender and once his cravings calmed down, he got a lot more normal about food, which was a relief to both himself and Ky. He has a big appetite naturally when he’s healthy, but he also has kind of a sensitive stomach (bro likes spicy things but his digestive system doesn’t rip same) so he starts prioritizing what makes him feel good again. That’s also when he starts hitting the gym again, knowing that he feels better mentally when he’s moving his body, going on hikes, working out, and out of that depressive slump he can finally face his insecurities and apply at the vet clinic. And of course that’s when Moose comes into their lives. (Moose’s lore can be found under the Mooseposting tag I fucking love that cat) I really enjoy the idea of Stan and Kyle going to the gym together too, AND the idea of Stan working out with some of his AA buddies (can u tell I just really like talking about sober Stan). He’s definitely tried to get his sponsor to come with him too lmao but Mark’s old as hell and IS a smoker “c’mon dude, you can walk the track or something!” “I’m too old for that bullshit, Superman, get one of the younger kids to work out with ya” fuck I love Stan’s AA geezers I may do another Bedtime Story with them (his sponsor is deadass based on a real person I met a few years back). Also I love the headcanon that the buddies at undrunk club call him Superman.

But yes, eatin good, staying active, making his way through bags of hot cheetos (the lime ones for sure) even though he knows they’re gonna make him nauseous, that’s a much better habit for Stanathan than drinking is!!!

[stormyoceans]

i’m rewatching and i still don’t know how this show exists or what kind of drugs were the writers on, but i’m so glad they were lmao and they have enough for our skyy 2 episodes. Any thoughts about 1) empty cinema scene, 2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss, 3) grafitti library scene, ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream, 4) wedding scene, 5) puen reading shojo manga, 6) why they should stop eating so much junk food, 7) snow scene? Sorry this got too long. I just love your thoughts about them so much!

Have an awesome day!

(one day i’ll come off anon, im just too shy and awkward lmao)

[peaks timidly from my inbox] yes hello i come asking for forgiveness ;;;;;; i really am so terribly sorry for how late this answer is, anon, i've been so all-over the place in the few past weeks and wrote this here and there whenever i needed to feel better, which probably means it's even more scattered and less coherent than usual ;;;;; not sure if you're still around or even just still interested in this, but i wanted to reply to you anyway, so here we go!!!

1) empty cinema scene: ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SHOW IM SO HAPPY YOU MENTIONED IT BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK NEARLY ENOUGH ABOUT IT!!!!! literally the proof that no one can cheer talay up and get him out of his own head like puen does!!!! talay's ridiculously fond smile as puen pretends the cinema is full of people, the way he actually plays along with it after the initial 'what the hell are you doing' reaction.... we always make fun of puen for being down bad BUT GOD TALAY IS SO SMITTEN TOO he sees puen tearing up while watching the movie (THEIR movie) and his first instinct is to gently wipe away those tears LIKE IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO BITE YOUR OWN ARM OFF AND FEED IT TO THE WOLVES THEN I ENVY YOU TBH. and the most insane thing is that at the time he didn’t even know he was in love with puen, he hadn’t realized it yet, while puen was already fully aware of his own feelings for talay. puen who, during the voice over, says "it's you. if it wasn't for you, this movie wouldn't have happened. without you, my screenplay wouldn't be this good", which parallels what he tells talay at the end of episode 4, "if it's not you, i wouldn't be able to work this well". and looking back at it, i really feel like it shouldn't have surprised me so much to learn that puen realized he was in love with talay at the glass house, because he was basically shouting it from the rooftops. "which scene is your favorite?" talay asks him. "the last scene where both of them meet again in the coffee shop," puen answers, because "i went there with you". it's you. it can't be anyone but you. i love you, i love you, i love you. IM TRULY NEVER GONNA GET TIRED OF SAYING HOW THEY INVENTED PARALLELISM ROMANTICISM SOULMATISM ALSO NOT THEM BEING SO ENTHRALLED BY EACH OTHER THEY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT UP AND AOU WERE THERE TOO PEOPLE IN LOVE ARE THE WORST

2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss: NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY AND EVEN IF I HAD ANY I WOULD KEEP THEM BETWEEN ME AND GOD BECAUSE THEY SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T BE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. like i make fun of puen for being horny all the time but also i get it. if talay confessed to have been in love with me since the very first time we met by using a very similar line i liked from a movie we watched together years ago all while looking so warm and cuddly in an oversized sweater, i would feel compelled to kiss him senseless too. also not to be petty, but as much as people like to say jimmysea can't kiss, this is the only time i can fully believe a make out session left a character breathless, with weak knees, and a little turned on like THE FOGGY GLASSES, TALAY'S LIPS ALL RED FROM KISSING, HIS HAIR MESSED UP FROM PUEN'S HANDS RUNNING THROUGH IT, HIS EYES COMPLETELY GLAZED OVER...... REARRANGED MY GUTS MY SOUL MY ENTIRE LIFE AND EVERYTHING I EVER THOUGHT I KNEW THE SPECTRE OF THE PERSON I WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS KISS HAUNTS MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT THEY REALLY DID THE MOST

3.a) grafitti library scene: PAIN SUFFERING TORMENT AGONY ANGUISH BUT ALSO THE TENSION THE UNDERCURRENT THE WHOLE ENTIRE EVERYTHING OF IT ALL I HATE TO SEE THEM FIGHT BUT GOD I LOVE THIS SCENE I REALLY DO. i just think it's such an important moment, character-wise, and it's also the first big turning point in their relationship, just like the separation in episode 6 is, because the conflict is actually functional to their growth, especially puen's. puen is already so deeply in love here, but it's so painfully obvious that he has no idea how to go about it and that he is still struggling to find himself, so he defaults to what he knows, to being puen the actor, and that's what he ends up putting on, an act, a big over the top romantic one that could have come out from a movie, but even if the feelings behind it are genuine, the gesture itself isn't, and talay KNOWS, because puen is the kind of person that quietly waits outside his university all day just to spend a little more time with him, not the one that makes a spectacle out of it. this is what makes talay finally snap, because while we see him being very confused about his feelings throughout the episode, and very doubtful about puen's too, you can see that part of him did believe in puen's sincerity ("lately, someone has done something nice to me," talay says to dol a little later in the episode, "so nice that i thought he was serious"), which is why it hurts so much to see talay's crestfallen expression when he asks puen "so all you've done is for your screenwriting?" (and since we're talking about it SEA'S ACTING HERE IS SO GOOD AND YET SO UNDERRATED IM EATING MY FIST) and puen doesn't realize how upset talay really is until it's too late, until he tries to explain and maybe even confess something ("im not messing with you. i--") but talay doesn't want to listen anymore. however this rejection is essential to make puen understand that he has to stop hiding under puen the actor and start being puen the person if he wants to be with talay. this is a long process that will only end in episode 10, when he'll finally be ready to tell talay his name, but this was the first step towards it: as misguided as the kiss in the glass house is, it's also the moment where puen stops playing a role and starts following his feelings. i honestly don't think it's a coincidence that in this episode the password used for the association is "you're not a movie. you are real."

3.b) ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream: PEAK DERANGED PUEN MOMENT HE REALLY SAID LET ME ADMIT OUT LOUD ALL THE ROMANTIC DOMESTIC HALF HORNY FANTASIES I'VE EVER HAD ABOUT YOU. IM PRETTY SURE THAT IF TALAY DIDN'T STOP HIM HE REALLY WOULD HAVE GONE INTO FULL 18+ NSFW XXX TERRITORY THERE IS JUST NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF SHAME IN THIS BOY'S BODY AND YET TALAY STILL THINKS HE’S DOING IT FOR THE BIT. INSANITY LUNACY MADNESS AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY HAVE I GONE CRAZY. on a more serious note, i already said it before, but i absolutely love how the talay in puen's daydreams is just like the real talay, so much so that we could hardly tell that what we were seeing wasn't actually what was happening, because it shows that puen loves him as he is, warts and all, and that in puen's head their relationship turning into a romantic one wouldn't change who they are or how they interact with each other: they would still bicker and banter and be friends, and that's one of the things i love the most about them. ALSO ALL THE DETAILS IN PUEN'S FANTASY ACTUALLY BECOMING TRUE MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY HEART OUT AND EAT IT BUT LET'S NOT GO THERE

4) wedding scene: I HAVE MULTIPLE ORGANS FAILURE EVERY TIME I REWATCH THIS SCENE POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR OUTFITS HERE ARE MY FAVORITE FOR BOTH OF THEM IN THE ENTIRE SHOW BUT MAINLY BECAUSE PUEN IS REALLY OUT THERE JUST SAYING SHIT LIKE "I SHOULD JUST MARRY A COLORIST" IN EPISODE 4!!!!!! BOY HAS JUST REALIZED HE'S IN LOVE LIKE 2 DAYS AGO AND IS ALREADY PLANNING THEIR WEDDING IN HIS HEAD!!!!!! also i adore how the writers use this specific setting to let us know the characters' current attitude towards love: puen talking about getting married and having a partner vs talay being focused on working on the video, puen catching the bouquet with no fear vs talay shielding himself from it.... THIS IS WHY I DESPERATELY NEED THE PUENTALAY WEDDING IN OUR SKYY I /NEED/ P'X TO GIVE ME THIS PARALLEL IT WOULD SIMPLY BE SO DELICIOUS. and not to be that person but fucking raw in that venue right then and there would have been less obscene than the looks they be throwing at each other while puen tells the entire room he is hitting on talay and then gives him the bouquet. jimmysea really be showing up on set every day like we're gonna display so much adoration desire yearning and love through the look in our eyes alone AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR IT

5) puen reading shojo manga: OF COURSE PUEN WOULD LOVE SHOUJO WHEN HE IS SO INTO LOVE AND ROMANCE IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE AND IT'S HONESTLY SO ADORABLE I HOPE TALAY BUYS HIM AN ENTIRE LIBRARY FOR HIM TO FILL WITH ALL HIS FAVORITE MANGA. and i think it's interesting to point out that shoujo, much like the color pink, is something that has been forcefully connected to a whole set of 'feminine' characteristics that society tells men are off-limits for them: men don't need to be caring and sweet and romantic and cute.... but puen is very much all of these things, and maybe his reticence in admitting he likes shoujo is yet another way he hides his real self away because he's scared not to be liked, which makes talay's genuine interest all the more important. also we tend to associate shoujo with romance, but the three more common narrative themes in the genre are a focus on human relations and emotions, characters that defy traditional roles and stereotypes surrounding gender and sexuality, and depictions of supernatural and paranormal subjects. IDK ABOUT YOU BUT THAT SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME

6) why they should stop eating so much junk food: THIS MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH EVERY TIME I READ IT BUT ALSO I REALLY DO HOPE THEY’RE SNEAKING SOME VEGETABLES IN BETWEEN ALL THE CHIPS AND FRIED CHICKEN AND PREMADE NOODLES AND DIFFERENT KIND OF SWEETS OR THEY’RE GONNA GET A HEART ATTACK BEFORE THE AGE OF 40 (thank god for the 0% sugar oishi drink at least sfjkshfkgs). also not me suddenly getting choked up at the thought of the two of them getting to 50 years old and finding out that talay’s pressure tends to get too high so puen studies a proper diet for it and makes sure talay follows it scrupulously NOT ME THINKING ABOUT OLD PUENTALAY GROWING VEGETABLES IN THEIR GARDEN AND REMINDING EACH OTHER TO TAKE THEIR MEDS EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND I NEED TO GO WALK INTO TRAFFIC REAL QUICK YEAH NO BRB

7) snow scene: there are honestly many things i could talk about in this scene ("when you see snow again next time you will think of me", puen and talay having to play the characters, puen kissing talay's cheek, talay saying he doesn't like to be hugged, the freaking shaved ice made with snow and the oishi drink) BUT THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK ABOUT IS "YOU MUST ONLY BE HAPPY TALAY" LIKE IM SORRY BUT ISABELLE ADJANI GOING TITS OUT INSANE IN THE TUNNEL SCENE FROM POSSESSION HAS NOTHING ON WHAT I FEEL ABOUT THIS LINE IT'S IN MY TOP 10 MOST ROMANTIC PUEN'S LINES AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY IN WAYS I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN AND I WISH I COULD SAY ANYTHING COHERENT ABOUT IT BUT RN THERE ARE JUST AMBULANCE SIRENS GOING OFF IN MY HEAD

[swiftfootedachilles]

What do you think Mickey's safe foods would be now that he and Ian have that financial stability!?

I see him being a seeker with his food, like really really spicy, really really sour, really really sweet etc. but only when he feels like it

The probably keep pringles (I can't remember the flavour he always stole ate in early seasons but they'd have that flavour) and the pizza rolls and the other foods that he's lived off previously because they're familiar and somewhat a comfort food

And he loves being in the kitchen when Ian's cooking so he can touch all the ingredients and taste the good ingredients

I'm project on poor Mickey with this but even in canon we see him getting upset over not having a particular brand/type of beer so he's definitely got his favourite brands of things and when he can't get those brands it really upsets him

hmmmm idk probably basic foods like pb&j, buttered toast, ramen noodles, and yeah junk food he ate growing up like chips and pizza rolls and pizza bagels (pizza bagels fans rise up!!) hes definitely a junk food lover first and foremost hes just like me fr. ill be unable to eat 99% of foods but put chocolate in front of me and suddenly i forget all about my gi issues. my mans would refuse to eat meatloaf but has no problem eating an entire bag of halloween candy for dinner

beer lovers are kinda insane theyre either like "oh boy a new microbrewery just opened with an ipa made from hallucinogenic hops only found in the gobi desert!!" or theyre like "if you put anything other than miller light in front of me ill murder you" mickey is very much in the latter category. give him a lager and leave him the fuck alone. beer is nasty a hell

anyway hehehe i love the idea of him all up in ians space in the kitchen, sniffing all the ingredients and tasting along as ian cooks. ian has a mental catalogue of their yucks and yums and usually tries to compromise, but hes also a little bastard and makes foods he knows mickey will probably hate just because he reeeeeally wants to try it this new recipe seriously mickey just take ONE BITE if you try just one bite and dont like it ill buy you pizza with whatever toppings you want just please try my new dish 🥺🥺 ian is known to "hide" fruits and veggies in foods. he becomes sort of a master at making sure mickey (and franny and freddie) are getting all their nutrients without even realizing it. he tried to hide veggies in mickeys safe food once and ruined that safe food for mickey and he had a meltdown and didnt talk for the next day so ian doesnt fuck with mickeys safe foods anymore

[babeczka415]

Eternal Love

Chapter 2

It's been a week since that morning I came home. It's been seven days and who knows how many hours since he left me. My heart aches in ways I can't even describe. Jessy has stopped by making sure I eat and cleaning up. She finally got me to talk the other night and we drowned ourselves in wine and ice cream while watching horror movies. I haven't told Dan yet and I know that conversation was coming tonight as it was the night he and Jessy always came around to have fun.

I manage to get out of bed and move to the couch with my laptop. I have never been more grateful for this job than I am now. It allows me to work from home and as long as I tell my boss in advance no video chats. I just told him I was sick but still able to work. Eventually I know that isn't going to work but it's been a blessing this week.

I keep checking my phone all day hoping for something from him. Something to explain but still nothing. Instead I have a text from Lilly, I curse her under my breath. She only wants to talk to see how he is.

Lilly: MC, everything okay? We haven't heard from him or you.

MC: No everything isn't okay and please stop talking to me only to find out how he is. He left me a week ago and told me to move on.

MC: I'm gonna say you and Hannah should do the same thing and just forget him!

I sign off just as fast as I send that message and I'm glad it's the end of the day. I head into the kitchen and grab the Jack Daniels and take a drink from the bottle. It burns going down but at least it's a feeling. I hear the door unlock as Jessy has a key. 

"I don't know why you didn't knock like we always do" Dan states.

I sigh, I hope she doesn't tell him why. I turn around with the bottle still in my hand and I see them in the doorway.

"Hey don't start the fun without me" Dan laughs.

I smile the best I can and he instantly knows something is wrong.

"Still nothing?" My red haired best friend asks and I shake my head while taking another drink.

"What is going on?" Asks Dan.

"Jake is gone," I say, looking away from him. He wraps his arms around me. He's finally started walking again after the accident and I just cry into his chest.

"We will make you forget all about him," Dan says, lifting my head up. I lean against him not being able to say anything. 

I was expecting an 'I told you he was bad news' or something along those lines from Dan but he instantly goes into best friend mode.

Jessy grabs out all the junk food she has brought over and we make a table top on the bar between that and different alcohol. These two know exactly what I need after having my heartbroken by the man I thought was my forever. 

We pile on the couch and throw in movies after movies. I remember taking a silly picture of us but I don't do anything with it.

Jakes POV:

It's been seven days and 16 hours since I left her. I never wanted to fall in love but she did it. She made me fall in love with her. 

Tonight I'm in an abandoned warehouse tracking my pursuers. Sleep has not been my friend in a while and this last week has been worse. Everytime I close my eyes I see her smile, her sleeping. I feel her curled up against me afraid to lose me.

You see when I told her my location I knew what was going to happen. I knew she wouldn't let go of me but I needed to see her and feel her touch and kisses one more time before I broke her heart. Those hazel eyes as she spun around were full of love and feeling safe.

I knew I could never be HER safe haven. I also know she would give up everything for me if I so much as hinted at it.

I couldn't bring her into this world, more than I already had. She needed to live her life normally, before she got dragged into finding Hannah and falling in love with me. She needs a normal future, one not on the constant run. I have no idea when I can give her that and I knew it from the start. 

You see she's the good girl, the girl every guy wants. I'm troubled, she knew that but still fell. It's the typical good girl who falls in love with the bad boy. What the normal story doesn't tell is how the bad boy fell in love with her, but just wanted to keep her safe.

I hear my phone go off and I look and it's Lilly. I hadn't reached out and I wasn't planning on going until I knew I was safe. I sigh as I open the location on MC. I have to make sure they aren't tracking her. She's at home like she has been since she entered back in. I could pull up her webcam but it would just break my heart. I do follow her social media but lately she hasn't been posting but I keep a watch.

I see a photo pop up, which is odd at the time. It's a photo of her, Jessica, and Daniel curled up on the couch with drinks. I read the caption and my heart breaks.

When your world is falling apart, you can't ask for more than best friends, Jack Daniels, and lots of junk food.

The photo looks odd then I realize it's taken at night and it's now the next morning… eight days since I saw her smile at me, even in her sleep.

I set Nymos up and lean back on the couch trying to catch some sleep hoping she doesn't haunt my dreams.

[x3kristax3]

Eternal Love

Chapter 2

It's been a week since that morning I came home. It's been seven days and who knows how many hours since he left me. My heart aches in ways I can't even describe. Jessy has stopped by making sure I eat and cleaning up. She finally got me to talk the other night and we drowned ourselves in wine and ice cream while watching horror movies. I haven't told Dan yet and I know that conversation was coming tonight as it was the night he and Jessy always came around to have fun.

I manage to get out of bed and move to the couch with my laptop. I have never been more grateful for this job than I am now. It allows me to work from home and as long as I tell my boss in advance no video chats. I just told him I was sick but still able to work. Eventually I know that isn't going to work but it's been a blessing this week.

I keep checking my phone all day hoping for something from him. Something to explain but still nothing. Instead I have a text from Lilly, I curse her under my breath. She only wants to talk to see how he is.

Lilly: MC, everything okay? We haven't heard from him or you.

MC: No everything isn't okay and please stop talking to me only to find out how he is. He left me a week ago and told me to move on.

MC: I'm gonna say you and Hannah should do the same thing and just forget him!

I sign off just as fast as I send that message and I'm glad it's the end of the day. I head into the kitchen and grab the Jack Daniels and take a drink from the bottle. It burns going down but at least it's a feeling. I hear the door unlock as Jessy has a key. 

"I don't know why you didn't knock like we always do" Dan states.

I sigh, I hope she doesn't tell him why. I turn around with the bottle still in my hand and I see them in the doorway.

"Hey don't start the fun without me" Dan laughs.

I smile the best I can and he instantly knows something is wrong.

"Still nothing?" My red haired best friend asks and I shake my head while taking another drink.

"What is going on?" Asks Dan.

"Jake is gone," I say, looking away from him. He wraps his arms around me. He's finally started walking again after the accident and I just cry into his chest.

"We will make you forget all about him," Dan says, lifting my head up. I lean against him not being able to say anything. 

I was expecting an 'I told you he was bad news' or something along those lines from Dan but he instantly goes into best friend mode.

Jessy grabs out all the junk food she has brought over and we make a table top on the bar between that and different alcohol. These two know exactly what I need after having my heartbroken by the man I thought was my forever. 

We pile on the couch and throw in movies after movies. I remember taking a silly picture of us but I don't do anything with it.

Jakes POV:

It's been seven days and 16 hours since I left her. I never wanted to fall in love but she did it. She made me fall in love with her. 

Tonight I'm in an abandoned warehouse tracking my pursuers. Sleep has not been my friend in a while and this last week has been worse. Everytime I close my eyes I see her smile, her sleeping. I feel her curled up against me afraid to lose me.

You see when I told her my location I knew what was going to happen. I knew she wouldn't let go of me but I needed to see her and feel her touch and kisses one more time before I broke her heart. Those hazel eyes as she spun around were full of love and feeling safe.

I knew I could never be HER safe haven. I also know she would give up everything for me if I so much as hinted at it.

I couldn't bring her into this world, more than I already had. She needed to live her life normally, before she got dragged into finding Hannah and falling in love with me. She needs a normal future, one not on the constant run. I have no idea when I can give her that and I knew it from the start. 

You see she's the good girl, the girl every guy wants. I'm troubled, she knew that but still fell. It's the typical good girl who falls in love with the bad boy. What the normal story doesn't tell is how the bad boy fell in love with her, but just wanted to keep her safe.

I hear my phone go off and I look and it's Lilly. I hadn't reached out and I wasn't planning on going until I knew I was safe. I sigh as I open the location on MC. I have to make sure they aren't tracking her. She's at home like she has been since she entered back in. I could pull up her webcam but it would just break my heart. I do follow her social media but lately she hasn't been posting but I keep a watch.

I see a photo pop up, which is odd at the time. It's a photo of her, Jessica, and Daniel curled up on the couch with drinks. I read the caption and my heart breaks.

When your world is falling apart, you can't ask for more than best friends, Jack Daniels, and lots of junk food.

The photo looks odd then I realize it's taken at night and it's now the next morning… eight days since I saw her smile at me, even in her sleep.

I set Nymos up and lean back on the couch trying to catch some sleep hoping she doesn't haunt my dreams.

[kornymaggotboi]

I think I figured out why I'm getting dumber...

I heard somewhere that the fatter you get, the dumber you get, I don't know how true this is, but I think it explains my decreasing intelligence.

I used to be relativity smart, not a super-genius or anything, but I was pretty smart.

I used bigger words, I was pretty good at spelling, I loved science and knew a lot of science stuff.

I also used to be 117 pounds... Then I was 120, then 135, then 149, then 158 and I am currently 175 pounds.

Now that I'm officially obese, I swear I'm getting more stupid.

I stutter and trip over my words more, I forget words at random, I suck at spelling (You have no idea how thankful I am that I live in an era where my computer can tell me when I fucked a word up), my sentences are more simple, I space out more, and I deadass forgot how to tie my shoes once (though to be fair, I don't tie them every time I take them off and put them on, I tie them once and then slip them on and off... You know, like a fucking caveman...)

My theory is that the fat in my brain gets sucked out of my head and goes to my ass... because that seems to be where most of my weight goes...

Obviously that last part is a joke, I haven't gotten that stupid yet, but I don't know if this is like, a placebo thing, like, people would tell me not to get fat or else I'll get stupid because I guess being fat is a bad thing, or maybe this has nothing to do with my weight and it could be the fact that I graduated from high school in 2020, so not being in school for roughly 3 years might be affecting my intelligence, I dunno.

I just find it slightly suspicious that I've gotten less smart the more weight I gain.

I mean, I don't really plan on losing any of the weight because I'm still just as out of shape as I was when I was skinny, and I hate myself just as much as I did when I was skinny, the only thing that changed was just my weight, nothing else.

I blame depression... I don't feel motivated enough to exercise, my bed is too comfy to leave it, junk food makes me happy and I just don't care enough about the way I look to lose this weight.

But I'm alright with this.

The only thing I don't like about gaining weight is that I can't fit into most of my pants anymore... That could easily be solved by just buying bigger pants, but I hate shopping.

[cedarnommer]

I think there's something that's kind of upsetting from seeing videos about how bad and dangerous junk food and fast food is for someone like me. I've essentially been living as a person with eating disorder traits for years now and today when I was checking myself on the scale, I noticed I lost even more weight despite having eaten more yesterday. And I do eat good food every day. I eat proper meals. But I also have some very bad personal habits. And I do like snacking on junk food. I love chips and I love sweets. And once per month, I will go out and potentially go eat some fast food as a treat.

But all this talk about the necessity of very healthy organic or whatever food bothers me, because I live in capitalism. And the people making those videos do too. Our food is industrialized. And while I'd like to go buy fancy bio food for snacks, the issue is it costs significantly more than just buying whatever is available (and good selection for these products is really far away from where I live). As for the rest, I'm almost underweight and have mental issues. I want to eat food that could at least give me some coping from time to time. I'm self aware to know I shouldn't eat a lot of it and I have some gut issues so I have to be careful what I eat. It just so happens that junk food doesn't bother my gut as much as something like dried meat.

I'm just upset, because it feels like people on the internet want to act like they're experts and have a universal understanding on our bodies. This doesn't just apply to food. It applies to sex. It applies to your looks. It applies to your hobbies. I'm not a fucking cookie cutter person. I struggle with unique problems. I don't need your "universal" solutions because I don't fit in. You can keep trying to force the metal shape and cut off my flesh, but I will never be the shape you want me to be!

ALSO. As someone with pica, I can't help myself from eating things I'm not supposed that are inedible. Nobody cares about that though! I had to wait weeks to get a chew toy imported so I could have something if I have really strong cravings.

This is just a vent post.

[casspurrjoybell-20]

Simply Elliott - Chapter 1

*Warning - Adult Content*

Elliott Wheeler

There was something missing.

Have you ever felt a constant uneasiness in your gut?

An ache in your heart?

And you can't think of a single reason why?

So you self-diagnose yourself and call it anxiety.

Now you're taking pills daily to help with your 'illness' and 'still' that uneasiness doesn't go away?

That was me for as long as I can remember.

I thought the unsettling feeling was something that could be fixed through meds, and yeah maybe the anxiety pills helped some but that wasn't it.

So, to compensate for not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me, I indulged in the one true comfort in life, food.

I ate junk food and a second and a third helping until my thirteen year old body was a grand total of 220 pounds 'that's 99.79 kilograms to those over the pond folk'.

I didn't think anything of my longing gaze at every boy in my class, dismissing my prolonged jealousy for thinking 'I'm a girl, that's why I'm admiring all these male bodies.'

And I was only watching gay porn because males turn me on, might as well watch two, right?

It wasn't just that I was infatuated with the male species, I was living vicariously through them.

I started dressing more on the 'masculine' side 'though gender roles are a social construct, wear whatever the hell you want to wear, kids'.

I studied their mannerism 'the good ones'.

And I felt a little better, more myself but not quite.

Then puberty hit and my chest grew bigger and I wanted to die but the best thing happened my first year of high school.

I met a junior called Annie.

She was beautiful and perfect and she paid attention to me.

Which not many kids did because most people are shallow and God forbid I be overweight but not Annie, she was the least shallow person I knew and we were inseparable.

Annie was transgender.

She knew she was meant to be a girl since forever and her dad was fully supportive.

By fifteen, she started the transition, taking hormones, got boobs, etcetera.

She showed me other transgender social media influencers and taught me a lot about the process.

Told me it was the best decision of her life because before, there was always something missing and that's when I knew I was meant to be a boy.

It all made sense.

I hated looking in the mirror, I've never felt right in my own skin.

I wanted to curb stomp everyone who told me I wasn't being 'ladylike' or gave me a judgmental look when I cut my hair short.

My longing looks at the boys in my class wasn't because I had a crush or because I found them attractive, it was because I was jealous of their bodies and their pronouns that fit them.

Knowing I was meant to be a boy and while building up the courage to tell me parents, I started working on myself.

I thought if I even go through with the transformation, I was going to be the best and healthiest version of myself.

I stopped eating recklessly and exercised more and by the summer before my sophomore year, I dropped my weight and that was when I told my parents about my new realization.

Well, more like blurted it out while having a mental breakdown.

"Ellie?"

We were sitting around the dinner table, eating baked macaroni and cheese, when my mother broke off her own conversation with my dad as she realized I hadn't spoken all night.

I was a bit depressed at that time 'body dysphoria can do that to you'.

"Ellie, why aren't you eating?"

I shrugged, still only poking at my pasta.

I've grown to hate my name.

"What's up, kiddo?" my dad asked and I felt that uneasiness expanding and it was all too much.

Too many thoughts of hating myself and wishing I was someone else.

So I broke, I began sobbing.

"I'm sorry."

I didn't know why I apologized but I felt like I had to.

My parents gave birth to a girl.

A girl they loved and called Ellie but that wasn't me.

How do I tell my parents that the child they love and watched grow is someone I absolutely hated?

"Oh sweetheart, what's going on?" my mother asked while my father asked.

"Why are you apologizing?" both in the same concerned tone.

Fuck, I hated disappointing my parents.

That's what would happen, right?

They'd be disappointed that I needed to change in order for me to like myself.

I shook me head because I couldn't tell them.

"Ellie, talk to us," my mom begged and I choked out a harder sob when hearing that name.

I scooted my chair back, I needed room to breath.

"I hate that name," I cried, my shaggy brown hair falling into my eyes as my hands covered my face.

I couldn't look at them as I spoke.

"Oh. Okay, well..." my mom sounded confused and when she didn't finish her sentence, I risked a glance at them.

They were looking at each other, uncertain and worried.

Then as if they both came to a mutual agreement in their head, my dad turned to me and said...

"What would you rather be called?"

I have thought about a new name for a couple mouths prior and decided it was best to go with something similar, so it would be an easy adjustment for people.

"Elliott," I said through tears and sniffles.

Ellie and Elliott might be almost the same but those name's had completely different meanings to me.

"Elliott," my mom started as if to memorize it.

I nodded.

I wasn't sobbing anymore, only silent tears.

My dad began...

"If that will make you feel better then..."

"I hate being a girl," and I sobbed again, messy and loud.

"I... I don't feel like myself. My body isn't me, I'm supposed to be a boy, I'm sorry."

"Oh, sweetheart," my mom rushed to my side and hugged me.

That was how I told my parents.

I've never been more grateful that I was given the best parents in the world because I know not everyone is as fortunate as me when it comes to support.

Not only did they support me and didn't call it a 'phase' they paid for my chest surgery and hormones.

Surgery and the new meds started towards the end of my sophomore year.

By junior year, everyone was calling me Elliott.

Now as a senior, my parents are saving up for my 'bottom surgery' which they said will be my graduation gift.

Unfortunately, what comes along with waiting is an immense amount of body dysmorphia.

It also didn't help when a certain boy entered my life and loved my body just the way it was while I absolutely hated it.

Talk about confusing.

Who was this boy you may ask?

Carter Matthews.

And I wished I had never met him.

[casspurrjoybell-26]

💖Sweet Revenge💖 - Chapter 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Blake Welling

"Mom... seriously. I'm a grown man. If I need something, I'll take my ass down to the store and buy it. Stop worrying."

"I know you will, Honey. I just worry that with the loan you took out and your tuition costs, that you won't take care of yourself properly. I don't want you eating junk food just because it's cheap."

"Mom," I try again.

"I probably know more about nutrition than you do. I don't eat junk food and I know how to handle my finances. I'm halfway through my MBA, for Christ's sakes. Please..." I sigh.

"I know you worry because you love me. As soon as I'm settled, I'll fly you and Dad out to see the place and prove that I'm not living on ramen and Coors Light. Okay?"

She laughs.

"We never imagined that you'd move back to Ashville, Blake. We always thought you just wanted to get out of Dodge and never look back. If we'd known you had such a fondness for the place, we'd never have sold the old house. Oh well. Hindsight is twenty-twenty."

I grit my teeth and decide I'd better end the call before her use of idioms pisses me off any further.

"I've gotta go, Mom. I love you."

I hang up and shove my cell-phone in my back pocket.

Looking up, realize the candy store across the street is finally open.

Despite what I told my mom, candy is my weakness.

Especially handmade candy.

I cross the street and see a flash of movement behind the door.

Could they be so busy already?

But when I enter, there's just one employee behind the counter.

A cute girl with warm brown hair and lips coated in too many layers of gloss greets me with a wide smile.

"Hi. Welcome to 'Sweet Revenge' What's your pleasure?"

"Uhh..."

To be honest, I'm a little under-whelmed.

I expected the shop to be overflowing with candy but there's just one display case and the counter above it.

Behind the glass, I see a modest selection of toffees, brittles, nut-clusters, truffles and fudge.

Behind the counter and along the walls, boxes of chocolates are stacked high on floor-to-ceiling shelves but it's the specialty stuff in the case that I'm after.

Recovering myself, I examine the goods.

On closer inspection, I realize my mistake.

The selection isn't limited because the store is under-stocked.

It's limited because what they stock is incredibly specialized and obviously hand-crafted.

My mouth starts to water as I look closer at the selection.

A pistachio and chocolate encrusted toffee draws my eye and I can't look away.

"I'll take one of those," I say, hoping I'm not visibly drooling.

"Just one?" the girl asks, quirking a perfect brow at me.

"Yep. My daily limit," I grin.

She shrugs and reaches into the case.

"Any preference?"

"That one," I point.

"The, uh, fourth one back."

It's got 'eat me' written all over it.

"Sure."

She pulls it out and drops it into a small waxed paper bag.

"That's two dollars, even," she says.

I hand over a five with one hand and fish the toffee out of the bag with the other, taking a bite while she gets my change.

"Hmm..."

I can't contain the sound of ecstasy as the toffee dissolves in my mouth.

It's buttery, salty, smooth and oh-so-sweet.

The pistachios are toasted to perfection and...  I realize I've closed my eyes.

When I open them, I see the cute shop-girl regarding me with an open mouth.

"Oh, my God. I would pay money to watch you eat candy," she says.

I give her a wink.

"Hey, I'll take payment in candy."

She laughs.

"Come back tomorrow. We put out samples in the afternoon."

I have a feeling I just started a new bad habit but another bite of toffee and I don't even care.

~♡~

The following day I'm busy well into the afternoon.

My inventory arrives in two days and I have a whole store's worth of display racks to put together.

I take a break for lunch and eat the cold pasta salad I packed myself the night before and then spend a few more hours wrestling with metal frames and cursing the pictograph-based instructions they came with.

By three, I'm ready to call it a day and decide I deserve a treat.

My store is on what passes for Main Street in Ashville but these days it's all specialty shops priced with wealthy tourists in mind and during the off-season it's pretty dead.

Even so, I look both ways before I cross it on my way over to the candy store.

I've learned the hard way not to underestimate the value of a little caution.

The bells on the door jangle as I open it and step inside, breathing in a deep lungful of the deliciously sweet-scented air.

A mother and her two daughters are at the counter.

Instead of the cute girl from before, though, a male employee is standing behind it helping them choose from the display.

He's slender and pale, with black hair just long enough to tuck behind his ears and wide, crystal blue eyes.

He has a gently sloping nose and soft lips that beg to be kissed.

He's exactly my type and right now he's glaring at me like he hates my guts.

I look around in case the death stare isn't meant for me but there's no one else here.

When I look back, his attention is on the other customers and he's smiling again.

The lady and her daughters make their purchases and leave, the bells on the door jingling softly as it closes after them.

The man behind the counter fixes me with that look again and I wonder if he knows me from somewhere.

If he's local, we might've gone to high school together but if we did I don't remember him.

He looks a few years younger than me, so we probably wouldn't have been in the same class anyway.

"What do you want?" he asks.

He's frowning, though it does nothing to diminish his allure.

"Um... have we met? Because if we have I don't remember you and I think I would remember you if we had."

He looks startled and I notice that his wide eyes are fringed with long, dark lashes that would make a lot of girls jealous.

"Oh... no, not really. I mean... you're Blake Welling, right?"

I nod.

"We went to high school together."

"Oh," I grin.

"I thought that might be it. What's with the killer look, though? Did I steal your lunch money or something?"

"No," he says and his frown mellows out a little but if anything his expression gets colder and more guarded than before.

"I'm Aaron Keene."

I wrack my brains but can't come up with anything that fits.

High school was almost ten years ago, after all.

"Sorry. I guess I don't remember you. Did we like, hang out together or something?"

For a brief second, there's something on his face that looks a lot like hate but then it's gone.

He shrugs and smiles.

"No, we didn't hang out. I guess I knew you mostly by reputation."

"Oh," I laugh.

"That makes sense then. I was kind of an asshole in high school. Let's start fresh," I hold out my hand and after a small hesitation, he offers his own.

His hand is slender and soft and I can feel the delicate bones beneath his skin.

He withdraws it from mine quickly.

"So, Aaron," I smile.

"You work here?"

The shutters come down again and he turns away.

"Yes, I work here. I also own the place. This is my store."

"Wow. I thought I was young to own a business. Good for you."

"I'm twenty-six," he says coldly.

"And my chocolates have won seven national awards."

Twenty-six still seems young to own a business to me but our fresh start is already leaning towards the wrong foot, so I shut up and smile.

"From the one sample I've tried, I'd say it's well deserved."

He looks up, that little hint of surprise widening his eyes again and I'm struck once more by how clear and blue they are.

A second later he looks back down.

"So, er... What can I get you?" he asks.

'How about you, to go, no wrapping necessary,' I think.

Out loud I say...

"What do you recommend?"

[imazinit]

THE 10THINGS THAT I DO FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH

1. incense, taking a deep breath

It might be the most important thing for me to being healthy. You just need to light a fire. And you smell it. Even without thinking, you can take a deep breath arbitrarily. It’s better if you could find your own favorite flavor. For me, I love Hinoki cypress. I bought it by MUJI in Japan.

2. journaling

Of course journaling is also important to staying healthy. I have a book for writing journaling but it is a cheap and thin notebook from Seven and eleven(Japanese famous convenient store). Some people writes on a thick, heavy and memorial books but I think it would get off your backside sometime. You just need to bring a piece of paper and a pen, and listening to your heart.

3. stretching

I’m doing stretch after taking a shower or before sleep. It’s not my routine but I stretches when I need it. For me, moves the hip joint is the most important. If you are really tired and your feet are swollen, you should move the hip joint because there is a nerve connects knees. And it is useful when you are in your period. By doing this, you can reset your body fatigue.

4. reading books

In recent years, its common to use the E-books but I need a paper books invariably. I feel like its similar to using incense but I smells the books of the papers and the inks and it makes me calm. Using with your fingers, go around the pages and entering the world of the stories are sacred rituals for me.

5. be muted something that you don’t need

Connecting on Social media with friends is usual thing for young people in this era. Even you need to be follower of the person that you don’t like. However there is a very useful function called “be muted”. You don’t need to see all on the social media and you don’t need to share your life everyday. You should use the social media in your own way.

6. checking Pinterest

I put the Pinterest app beside Instagram on my phone. I’m addicted to using Instagram but it is apparently bad for your mental health. Instagram is always too much information. The photos and videos there are just a small part of their lives. Also, not everything is real and may even be manipulated or exaggerated. Not everything about Instagram is bad though, you have to keep your distance sometimes.

The good thing about Pinterest is the few of information. Although it is equipped as a function, it is rare to follow or comment. There is no interaction between users, and you can concentrate on your own place with artistic photos.

7. eating junk food or sweets

When it comes to healthy eating, I think there is a mentally healthy diet besides nutrition. Concentrate about the nutrition is important but sometimes you shouldn’t worry about that. You need to eat junk food or very sweet things when you really stressed out. You can't shake the feeling of guilt after eating that kind of food, but it heals well actually.

8. listening to Lo-fi hip hops

I listens music almost all the time and it is the songs with lyrics. Lo-if hip hops are the very calm and mellow music. There is no lyrics in many cases and you can really focus on your things to do. Some people using the music for studying but it makes me sleepy sometimes so I uses only for when I want to calm, writing journal.

9. chatting with someone

Connecting with people is necessary for the human being. Sometimes you might be don’t want to meet people and want to be alone in your room however, you need to talk to someone at that kind of moment. You can understand how you are really feels through talking to someone, and they will listens you and give some opinions that you couldn’t see.

10. thanking to someone before sleep

Thanking is really valuable to feel you are alive. And also you can understand you are supported by many people, not only for families or friends, and you are not alone.

*please share your own tips for mental health in the comment section, thank you;)