#I love Conrad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mvltisstuff · 2 years ago

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mirrorball - c.f

summary: you’ve tried anything and everything to get conrad to notice you. it’s until you start losing yourself that you finally speak up.

conrad fisher x reader

a/n: y/n is lowkey giving me in this, leave some conrad requests ;)

it started off with the way she wore her hair. it was naturally down, cascading down her head with nothing new to it. she always noticed how conrad would eye girls with luxurious hair, always looking perfect even when it looked normal.

it progressed to daily trips to the gym. she bought a membership and began going every day. she saw all the other girls in the gym with their friends, boyfriends. they looked amazing, having the ideal body for a girl and the ideal bodies that conrad and his friends look at. conrad goes to the gym, too. maybe he’d notice a theme with her.

then it was the clothes. she’d change into tighter clothes. crop tops, shorts, jewelry, anything uncomfortable for one glance from conrad.

she’d loved him for years. ever since her first summer at cousins and staying next door to the fishers and conklins. conrad had been so nice all the time. he was strikingly handsome, and she just wanted him to look at her. she hated to say she was desperate, but she was. she was changing herself to be more like conrad, and less and less like herself. anything that happened to her, she pushed away because conrad was on her mind. she put herself on a pedestal for him. she observed his every move, and every person he darted his eyes at.

her makeup, her interests, her personality had become a whole new person that she couldn’t even recognize. somehow, she was still proud of herself. everyone knew something was off. belly tried to talk to her and see if something was going on. however, it was partially her.

she saw the way conrad glanced at her with affection. she saw the way he saw nicole. she saw the way he noticed girls at the bonfires. she wanted it to be her turn, but every time was shut down by someone better and new.

she ‘fixed’ herself until there was literally nothing left to fix. her entire closet had been changed along with the makeup in her bag. her daily activities had changed and she watched herself to make sure anything she was doing wasn’t contradicting conrad. the only place she was herself, was her room. and she couldn’t even accept herself anymore.

when she looked in the mirror, she picked at things on herself that she never used to. every part of her face and every part of her body had become an inconvenience. things other girls might not have. she wanted to recognize herself but the old, happy version was just a ghost at this point. as much as she wanted the old y/n, she couldn’t stop herself from preventing her from coming back.

she watched her mood deteriorate every day. it wasn’t just conrad, it had grown into something bigger. hating her reflection and just wishing she was someone else. someone he looked at, someone that everyone wanted. she tries to show off a confident front, but it all disintegrates when she disappears in front of a bathroom mirror. it’s not even alarming at this point that she doesn’t know who she is or what she wants.

her bank account had been drained of money from products and clothes that would make her more like someone else. things that were never her.

it started out as a slight obsession with a boy, and it progressed into self hatred. she wanted so badly to be enough for conrad, but she wanted to be enough for herself. she felt like that would never come. she can’t win this battle with herself.

she resorted to drinks with her friends all the time to try and forget some of the pity she had for herself. smoking pot and doing anything that takes her mind off of herself and conrad. every time she came over, she thought maybe this is it. maybe he’ll look at me and realize that i’m great. maybe he can find the old self in me.

the debutante ball was coming up shortly. she had been practicing her dances with a boy she barely knew, one her mother set her up with. this boy had nothing for her, but she had nothing for him. she still wanted him to want her because it was just more approval that came her way. she’d picked out an bewitching dress, one that transformed her into a queen. she picked one out in hopes that conrad would like it, but also so it covered all the things she can’t fix. it snatched her waist, it brought in her ribs, it made her boobs look good, it made everything better than natural. that’s exactly what y/n wanted.

even watching y/n pick out the dresses, suzannah and laurel noticed the switch in her behavior. she dodged every single dress that fit her perfectly, and ran toward every one that sucked her in perfectly. y/n would usually go for the simple, casually-fitting dresses, but now she wanted ones that turned her into a barbie doll.

she was thrilled with her choice, getting it fitted and getting her makeup done exactly how everyone else would like it. her body looked exactly how everyone else would like it. her hair looked exactly how everyone else would like it.

she looked pleased with herself, but she still saw someone else in the mirror. nonetheless, she walked out on the stage, linking arms with the boy at her side. she put on a fake smile, one that people would find enchanting to see. she tried not to look at conrad, but failed in the end.

on the other hand, conrad had to pretend that he wasn’t completely staring at her. her beauty was poisoning the whole room. he had to pretend like everything was fine when he didn’t have her. she was the only one who truly had his eye for the longest time. even conrad was slightly disappointed in seeing the change, oblivious to the fact that it all started for him. however, he wasn’t able to peel his eyes off of her with a small grin.

y/n’s heart raced in ecstasy when she saw his eyes on her. his smile was for her. she swore she could run off the floor and into his arms, but she tried to keep her cool as she was in front of almost the entire town. she pranced around in her white dress, looking happier than ever because conrad finally noticed her. all the changing must have paid off, or at least she thought so. it wasn’t until she saw him dancing with belly in the corner of her eye.

all of her positive thoughts about herself quickly vanished. she thought she finally had him, but she was so clearly wrong. all of her optimism from earlier had left her with watery eyes. she could not cry here, her makeup would be ruined in front of everyone and she couldn’t look bad in front of anyone, not even herself. again, she forced another fake smile on her face until the dance was over, and she scurried out of the room.

she stood outside, right by the entrance with a small bottle of alcohol in her hand. she’d snuck it in her purse, being able to bring it outside. she took a massive gulp of it, not being able to face her own thoughts. she wanted to give up, but it was too late. the damage to herself was already done and it would be a burnout to have to reverse it. she was a failure. she failed conrad, her family, and herself. even in the reflection of the stupid fucking glass bottle she saw a complete disaster of a girl.

she was picking at her freshly done nails when the footsteps came echoing behind her. she didn’t give a shit about who it was. no one could change her mind about anything, and there was no comforting to do. she swipes the tears off her cheeks before conrad steps into her peripherals vision.

“i thought i’d find you here,” he says.

“i just needed some air, conrad. go back inside.”

“i’d believe you if you didn’t have that bottle in your hand,” she looks down at the liquid in her hands, tempted to take another gulp of it. “what is going on with you? i’ve known you for so long and i just don’t remember this side of you, so who is she?”

“conrad, don’t start.”

“no, y/n,” he argues. “i have to know you’re ok, i barely know the y/n i love anymore.”

“well, i wish i could answer that for you, but i don’t know who she is!”

“what?” he asks sadly. she begins to laugh, almost bending over in hysterics.

“i literally changed myself so much for you,” she replies. “and you just proved that i made it even worse. i don’t recognize myself anymore, got it? i flipped myself inside out for you to just look at me.”

her words are slurred together and she’s speaking with her hands, which worried conrad even more.

“i’ve had my eye on you for years, y/n. why would you do that to yourself?”

“i ask myself that question in the mirror every. fucking. day. i just want my old self back and i barely remember who she is!”

conrad realizes the severity of her emotions. he debated whether to step closer, and he acts on it when he sees even more violent tears running down her face. “i’m not even myself anymore, i’m everyone else.”

“shh, it’s ok,” he says, pulling her into an embrace and running a hand across her back. “it’s gonna be ok. i remember you every single day. i could never forget.”

“you don’t have to-“

“no, listen to me. you were the sweetest person ever, and i was ashamed of my excitement whenever you walked into a room. i didn’t wanna freak you out or anything. you were brave, you never once gave into other peoples shit. and you still are all these things. and i’ll spend every day proving it to you.”

she cries harder into his shoulder. the last thing she expected was the boy she loved comforting her outside of the building.

“i miss not giving a shit,” she peeps out, making conrad’s heart shred a bit.

“let’s stop giving one,” he looks her, cupping her face in his hands. “you and me, we’ll do it together, yeah?”

y/n creeps out a small smile at him, a genuine one for the first time in months. “you and i.”

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