#I look at lana del rey lyrics and you can't tell me it's not about them. 'florida kilos'. and. 'freak'

[ask-but-beware-the-consequences]

Summer collection no. 1 piece! ^^ A sweet friender bender moment in Paris :3

Drinking wine instead of porter An Irishman in gay Paris~

[coqvttes]

hello!! first of all, congrats on 600!! you honestly are an amazing writer and truly deserve it. anyways i was wondering if i could get a drabble with leon kennedy and lana del rey’s song playing dangerous?🩷 (my thing for hot police officers is at it again 😭)

𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓 hey! thank you, love, you're the sweetest i really appreciate it! yes, you can, i really love this song and it goes so well with rookie leon, i might turn this into a whole fic! (i mixed the lyrics a little bit to make it fit better)

nsfw : fem!reader, sub!leonish, teasing rookie leon, suggestive.

"everybody knows that i'm a good girl officer"

'knock knock!'

rushing to open the front door, you wonder why on earth someone would be knocking at this hour. you forget to put on something decent and open the door to be met with a handsome police officer. you find yourself looking at him up and down, too busy checking out the man to even think about why a police officer was knocking at your door this late.

"could i help you, officer?" you ask sweetly, fluttering your lashes at the handsome man in uniform. he looks young; he must be new. this town is fairly small and you swear you've never seen him before.

a faint flush adorns his charming features as he fully takes in your appearance, dressed in a skimpy little nightgown with eyes innocent and nervous that gaze up at him. he coughs out of his trance and you finally get to hear his voice.

"sorry to bother you at this hour, i'm officer kennedy, leon kennedy, we just got a call about suspicious activity around here, could i just ask you a few questions, please?"

"no, i wouldn't do a thing like that, that's for sure"

"am i in trouble, officer..?" your voice is meek and your eyes are concerned. you look straight into his eyes and blood rushes right to his dick. his eyes move lower to avoid your gaze but then he finds himself staring right at your cleavage. fuck.

"n-no! it's- i just need to ask you a few things, its a simple procedure nothing serious!" he pries his eyes away from your chest to look at you again.

"tell me, do you always work alone so late?"

he goes over a few simple questions but you don't pay much attention, too busy fiddling with the necklace around your neck as you nod along with him. he finds himself stuttering over his words, unable to concentrate with a pretty girl like you teasing him.

he tries so hard not to stare at your tits peeking out of your skimpy dress with the way you lean in closer to hear what he’s asking, even though you know exactly what he's saying, you just have to make it so difficult for him, don't you?

he notices how you shiver slightly from the chill in the air and doesn't think before he speaks.

"gosh, i'm a little shy standing here in my nightgown​"

"perhaps i could talk to you inside?" his eyes widen at his own words as heat spreads across his cheeks and you offer him a charming smile before nodding. god that sweet smile of yours, it's going to kill him.

that's why he can't help himself when you invite him into your home, offering him a glass of water as you sit ever so close to him on your sofa. your hand resting on his tense thigh as you lean in closer, your tits pressing against him arm. he's realizes how hard he is and then you're making an excuse that its too hot in the room, so you slip off your thin shawl.

let's just say rookie officer kennedy went a little overtime tonight.

[bunnyrafe]

🎧🎶໒꒰ྀི ∩ ⸝⸝ ∩ ꒱ྀིა 𝒷𝓊𝓃𝓃𝓎’𝓈 playlist

♥︎ songs / lyrics that remind me of rafe specifically highly toxic!rafe

sundress / a$ap rocky

— 'cause lately i’ve been thinking 'bout you and rebuilding, walking 'round like you lost feelings. i can tell he not fulfilling, you in love with me still. they say only if looks could kill, for real

lost / frank ocean

— triple weight couldn't weigh the love i've got for the girl. and i just wanna know why you ain't been going to work? boss ain't workin' you like this. he can't take care of you like this

i. pink toes (feat. jhené aiko) / childish gambino

— he slangs his yay through the corridors. every day, 20K, yep, at the very least, for sure. and they say there's no way, i should stay with someone like you but i tell them, "no." there's no way i could stray, gotta stay with someone like you. 'cause i know, one day, you could take me away, far away. i know you could pay. all the money you made, there'll be plenty of sunshine

jealousy (feat. rema) / FKA twigs

— i just wanna go outside and feel the sun is shinin' on my better side. i've not always had my way, but i forgive my sins. yeah, baby, that's okay. jealousy you put on me, you're in your feelings way too deep

candy / mk.gee

— i've done some bad, i won't fake it. i got patterns, don't think i'll shake it. ah, but you fuck up too and that's fine. i cut you slack, you cut me mine

pressurelicious (feat. future) / megan thee stallion

— 5 in the morning, i need it, knocking the bed off the hinges. get in your mouth like a dentist, really, i belong in the Guinness. pressure, she good for the image, i put her in vintage. i'ma take care of the business, drop a bag, it hit different. i'ma give away my thots for a rich bitch, woo. fuck me, and call me toxic, she no different

WY@ / brent faiyaz

— you and i know you aint no good for me but you feel so good to me. every time i come back i try to leave, so how you end up back with me? i don't know

never call me / jhené aiko

— we never shared anything but the drugs. we were both numb, never had anything real between us, we really must. smoking that crazy shit, in my city talkin' crazy shit but you ain't know i'm a crazy bitch. and tell your lawyer that i ain't paying shit

m.o.n.e.y / the 1975

— tabs with unlimited zero's, new clothes, bloody nose, powders and walking back home. has he got enough weed, no. broken phone retching on the floor alone. i can't believe that we're talking about him

florida kilos / lana del rey

— strung in my mouth and gold hoops. you like your little baby like you like your drinks, cool. white lines, pretty daddy, go skiing. you snort it like a champ, like the winter we're not in

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hey 🥺 I'm finally coming here 😩 I've read Just friends so many times it marked a before and after in my life LETMME tell you that you're the greatest writer ever ?? This Yandere Konig just will live with me forever and I will cherish him forever😩 I'm literally the lyric ,"my old man is a thief and I'm gonna stay with him till the end" (I'm sorry I'm a Lana del Rey enthusiastic)

Girl I can't STOP stressing the fact that that fanfic is life-changing hell, even now that I'm talking bout it I want to read it again (I wish I could read it for the first time again 😩) like just thank you thank you for making so many incredible written masterpieces caUSE IM READING also the ghost bodyguard and im LIVING for it ok?? My ass was shaking with the las update fucking mind-blowing and PERFECT.

So returning to my man König, you know I'm Hispanic (you didn't know but hey I'm Hispanic) and I would like really want to know how would König react or behave having a darling that is Hispanic (? (This is pure self indulgence, like I want to fucking put myself there) I mean, I don't want to appropriate any stereotypes but when sometimes can be a lot and we donate pretty different from everyone else(? So idk I just like would like to know kajsosib

Thank you again for making so many good content I told you before and I tell you know you're my cult leader 🙏

Hey babe you're too sweet! I can't believe my crazy story and crazy interpretation of König has had such an impact 🩷💕😭 Thank you for telling me, I'm just so glad that we can all buzz about this hot, insane man! And cult leader!? Haha omg this sounds dangerous (I love it, let's gather the whole toxic König crew and go to Austria together and build a shrine for this man, we can share headcanons thrice a day, dinner is served right after the compulsory fanfic writing workshop)

As for your ask, I'm sorry, I don't think I know enough about Hispanic culture to go too deep into detail & I wish to tread very carefully with stereotypes too, I hope this take is ok 🩷😘

The way I see it, there's two ways this thing would go….

An emotional, lively, feminine woman who has strong family values would be a dream come true for König. If you identify with the concept of marianismo at all, if you're loving and loyal and want to support your husband-to-be (König won't settle being just your 'boyfriend'), want to get married too and embrace your femininity while he gets to be The Man, your provider and protector, well, damn. This guy is on his knees! König will worship you, return your support and love tenfold, hundredfold. It will be the love story of a lifetime (and a story of traditional gender roles too but König would only view it as romantic 🩷)

But if you're "a lot", perhaps more outgoing than König thinks is appropriate, if you don't give a shit about his Ordnung muss sein-mentality and laugh at his attempts to cage you…? Sorry but you'll drive the poor man crazy!

He needs to possess protect you, which means your "temper" is a weed in the garden of your love. It needs to be pulled out, and you need to be tamed. König will go out of his mind as he tries to both please your every wish and try to put you on a leash. Lots of arguments ensue as you try to explain to this man that he's overreacting (and König is like Was?? He's not overreacting or hysterical, you're hysterical), lots of passionate reconciliation sex follows as he tries to prove you that you're his and his alone and no other man is allowed to even look at you.

So please don't torture him too much ❤️, he's not used to women's company and has a lot of suppressed energy and emotion, he just wants to take care of you and be the head of the house (and that you two worship each other 24/7 and carry each other's blood in small little vials or something omg)

[starsunfirelight]

Extra content

here, you can have the content I would have put on my "patreon" because I can't get over "Arc 21: Shady Business ft. Arctic Monkeys"

me reacting to the playlist:

in real time, took 4 days or so

Now, onto the actual playlist!!

Arc 1: The honeymoon phase

Note, I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics, and didn’t really start to do that until I got to the Lana songs. Also, some of the lyrics were not available through Spotify. But it’s ok to summarize the playlist arcs, or this would be really long lol.

(We know that in this pov, the person dating Homelander is a woman, as I presume Homelander is aggressively nationalist American, for the memes, but also because of songs you’ll see later on) Here, the girl, and Homelander are just having a great time. They have just started dating, and they listen to classically American songs, as is reminiscent of Homelander’s character. Though, there is a message within the patriotic songs that this isn’t right, with the song “Tainted Love”. Crucified has a message of “I know this isn’t right, but leave me alone.” We’ll see Christian imagery come up time and time again. This goes on for a while. All the way up until Layla, I imagine. Here, we see a shift, as this song still has that classic American feel, but it has no lyrics. Perhaps, this is where the girl starts to have a shift in mood.

Arc 2: Trouble in Paradise

The musics stops being highkey energetic, and is more lowkey.

Here, with GOLDWING, we get a song telling someone to remain pure and untraumatized, as the interpretation on Genius reads. This could be a message to Homelander, as the girl naïvely thinks that the critics are all wrong, and Homelander should stay just the way he is. It could also, and I think this is the more likely interpretation, be a message to the girl dating Homelander to please stop seeing him, as things could go bad real soon, if she doesn’t get out.

Lana Del Rey!

In the Lana Del Rey section, the girl is just dating Homelander, I think.

She - Harry Styles

This song talks about a man who is working, and has a normal life, though he seems unhappy, and wishes he could just get away from it all, if he had the chance. While the woman, who we can assume is his wife, is dreaming about having an affair with the singer of the song. Harry later goes on to say that the man plays pretend, so it’s possible that Harry is the one who is dreaming of an affair with her, while she may not reciprocate those feelings.

In the context of this playlist, it could mean that either Homelander or the girl doesn’t really love the other, and is just “playing pretend”. Again, with the themes of urging “get out, while you still can. This isn’t right.” Everything may look ok on the surface, but it’s all not really real on the inside.

Judas

Judas is known to be a traitor in the bible. Yet, he’s a big Christian figure. So here, I think the girl laments her love for a big, powerful figure, knowing that it’s wrong but she can’t help it. The song is also dark, musically. Perhaps, this song is talking about her love for a woman, though she is dating Homelander.

Legendary Lovers

This song is the thought of the two together, and what should be, due to how powerful Homelander is, and so together they would be unstoppable. Perhaps this is from Homelander’s perspective. Perhaps the girl is trying so hard to let go of her thoughts, and be with Homelander. Or she’s cheating with a girl?

Killshot

Same theme of I know it’s wrong, but love me anyways, the other person being a powerful figure?

Yeah it’s very Homelander, is prob Homelander she’s talking to

The whole can’t stop thinking about you theme

Sweet to Dream

This is a slower song. It’s been slowing a bit, but this is slow.

Same theme as before, but now going to sleep.

It’s night now.

Things are good.

Prob a transition song

(could be thinking about the girl at the end of the day)

Act 3: Please don’t leave me

go go dancer

Genius says that this song means that she’s just the convenient option, not the real love

So here, we have the apparent theme, that the girl loves Homelander, but Homelander isn’t really interested, and she kinda wishes for something more

Also introduces lore that the girl is rich

Which, like how else is she dating Homelander??? lol

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

When I was down / I was your clown

This is a similar theme as the last song, except now she’s explicitly asking Homelander not to break her heart. I assume the gender of the singer doesn’t really matter, here?

Don’t leave me, and I won’t leave you for the girl?Mama’s Boy

Ok, now, she’s starting to see the bad side of Homelander

Or is she?

Is this from Homelander’s perspective?

If not, it’s like I wish I could be perfect for you, because you’re perfect? I care about you, why won’t you care about me? My parents don’t care about me.

Also, the song is kinda… ominous and haunting. Is some thing bad about ti happen? Is he about to leave her? You know, since she’s/he’s toxic? Idk who’s the toxic one here, but I guess both??? Though Homelander is like REALly toxic, to be fair.

Lore: girl is rich but has neglectful parents? Who don’t love her that much? I guess that makes sense, as to how she got into this situation in the first place.

WAIT, is this about a relationship in the show??

And this is describing that???

oh.

Ehh, guess I can keep going regardless.

Act 4: Homelander’s perspective

Super Freak

The girl, from Homelander’s perspective

“boys in the band” how can the reference be so good

Also the tone of the song sounds like Homelander

Homelander has no issue using her like a toy

That’s probably how he sees her

Lore: girl’s a super freak, though that could be exaggerated from Homelander’s perspective

American Beauty/American Psycho

This one’s pretty clearly about Homelander lol

Womanizer

This one too

Does the girl realize by now? Are they having a fight?

Act 5: The other girls tries to win her over

Woman

Nice wordplay from the last song! I think Harry is meant to be the girl that wishes she was dating the girl who is dating Homelander right now

THERE’S A WHOLE B PLOT TO THIS????????

Call Me

Please leave Homelander and be with me instead - the other girl

Maybe they’re having a conversation now, and the other girl isn’t just thinking about this in her head

Like a Virgin

OMG did the girl finally agree to go out with the other girl????

First time == first time with a girl????? OMG Chappell Roan get over here

Like a Prayer

Oh no, they can’t be together? She’s leaving? :(

Oh, she’s falling in love

This is not the first time,.. I guess

Feels like home… girl 🥹

Big Spender

They’re on a date together, and we know our girl is rich, so she’s spoiling her date???

Material Girl? 

Same as the last, but it’s the girl’s pov now?

Lol our girl is def spoiling the other girl <3

Act 6: Homelander starts to catch on to the affair (oh wait oops, it’s cheating, isn’t it?) (sorry for the mistake) (affair sounds more posh lol) (haha…. anyways 😢 )

One Way Or Another

Homelander catches wind, know’s something’s up, and tries to catch them in the act, sees what’s going on

(ok listen I have hw to do… yet I’m too invested. Just a little more……) 😭

(uh yea yup hw is a no go ummmmmmm)

(oh well, anyway)

Butch 4 Butch

Is this our girl falling for the other girl?

Or… Is it Homelander??? Hmmm…..

Is the other girl a butch?

Is our girl a butch?

Is this meant to be wordplay?

I think it’s about Homelander, bc the relationship seems wrong

Crazy Girls

Argument with Homelander

Always Forever

Homelander is pleading for our girl to stay

Smokin Out The Window

Lore: Our girl and Homelander have kids? Or just her? There’s kids here! OMG so when Harry mentioned kids, that was true?

😭

Homelander is sad now, “How could you do this to me….”

Lore: Homelander smokes

Act 7: Girl broke up with Homelander

Guys My Age

Time skip?

It’s her perspective of the argument

Lore: Our girl is Homelander’s age, but the other girl is prob like around our girl’s age, but acts mature, unlike Homelander

Was our girl the immature one? Ahhhhh idk

Arc 8: HOMELANDER REVENGE ARC

Glory And Gore

Homelander + the superheroes are out for revenge (who is us?) new girl?

I think Homelander is dealing with the breakup… poorly.

Idk this

Rumor Has It

Lore: the other girl was half her age

Our girl broke up with the other girl?

Someone’s leaving someone

They have history

Homelander goes on to date a girl half his age, possible cheated during the former relationship??

There’s 3 people

girl (cheat) -> dude with girl -> girl with another dude

????

Ok let’s just see 🥲

Homelander and our girl get back together? Maybe, it’s all rumors in the media, it’s unclear at the moment

Which would explain…

Arc 9: Please don’t go, more lowkey but the pain is there

Edit: HOLD UP, RUMOR HAS IT WAS A PROPHECY THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! 😦like GOLDWING AH!!??!?!??!?! :{||\\\|\\Ah1+0=-1]-./,./,./….. . . _-_-__________–_____ __ _  __ _ __

fel;ld off the cliff and bye idea poof with magic it’s gone I(idea go here but it’s byw now! :deranges lagh:joker grin) sarah save me

Brooklyn Baby

pov from the girl half your age, kinda sad and alone

Is she dating Homelander or our girl?

My boyfriend’s in a band

Oh, it’s sad if it’s the girl who Homelander cheated with 🥺

age

Lovefool

Someone doesn’t love their partner anymore, please pretend

Head Over Heels (the reprise)

Is- Homelander the one asking to stay?

Again, small age

Wanted to be with you alone

Supermassive Black Hole

Please love me, for I can’t help how much I’m in love with you

She’s My Collar

I’m hopelessly in love with a (secret) lover maybe not secret

Homelander decides to be loyal?

From genius:

He never expected his relationship with her to extend much beyond a one night stand, but now she is tempting him back, like the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

Oh buddy, Homelander caught feels 😭

This could go so wrong so fast

Arc 10: The one that got away (Homelander -> our girl -> the other girl)

More like Crazy Stalker Homelander arc (Oh no, he caught feels 😭)

Americano

Our girl is reminiscing about her? Ouch, this is pre 2015 America…

Thoughts of marriage…

Cannibal

Oh, is Homelander out for blood????

An Unhealthy Obsession

Homelander decides to stalk our girl… 😬 creepy….

Meant To Be Yours

Lore: They’re all in high school???

I wanna die was real????

Scream

Arc 11: idk numbers,, They’re married now, lest Homelander kills her

Time skip???

You’re So Vain

Our girl grew up

Lore: It’s been years

Also Homelander scene from way back when, remember this for the animatic, shall it be made

Arc 11: fr this time, The other girl’s perspective, poor girl 😭

If U Seek Amy

Chappell called, the other girl is on her mind, everyone 

It’s been years, and the other girl is still thinking about her

Starring Role

The girl doesn’t love the other girl back? :( oh no….

Me and My Husband

Poor girl is in denial….

and Drive

Follow up, she found Amy

Or Homelander is being a meanie :(

Wait scratch that

Goverment Hooker

Oh yeah so I guess the other girl is a fling now! 🙂

The JFK line means that our girl is a powerful person now? Like politically? Superhero’s wife?

Money, Money, Money

Poor other girl… I guess the other girl was poor :(

Or it’s like to signify she want her lil rich girl’s heart 💔 🌉

Also the girl wouldn’t like her back 😭

Chappell get over here

Please!!!

It’s My Party

:C now she’s crying… look what you’ve done 😭 🫂

She’s supposed to be mine 💔 ☹️

Breakfast In America

Take a look at my girlfriend, not much of a girlfriend

Money Honey

Our spoiled princess strikes again!

Livin that life!

Still a mistress, though 😵‍💫

She loves her the most, dw

Arc 12: Homelander’s house, what goes on in there?

Sippy Cup

The kids are depressed… where did you get this money? I’m not dumb. 😐

Immortals

Homelander,.... 😭

this isn’t the flex you think it is, buddy

I'm still comparing your past to my future

It might be your wound, but they're my sutures

I wanna bawl 😭🥹 🥺

Arc 13: Kidnapper era

Emperor’s New Clothes

Oh no, Homelander is coming to take you (away), watch out girl!!

Another Way Out

Oh it’s dark ☠️

Remember the Time

After all we had… :( (No girl, don’t trust him, he’d a bad guy, remember that.)

Monster

Oh, she knows, all right 😭

uh - CANNIBAL REFERENCE???? 

The callbacks, omg 😭

Unrelated, but gives me ABBA vibes

Also the conflict with the other girl 😭

Something About Maggie

Maggie Don’t You Know

You gotta get away from him, girl - the other girl

Hit him back (ooh the drama)

Dude ain’t as hot as he pretends to be

(can’t do hw so now I’m here^)

fire

Homelander nO-

Bro why are you still cheating on me? (evil villain)

Homelander’s the villain

Lore: the other girl is a gypsy girl???

Lore: ½ lore, girl’s Maria, other girl’s Esmerelda no girl is Esmerelda, Veronica, Maria = christ

But she will be mine / Or she will burn

Arc 14: Alright girl, it’s time to take some revenge!

Maneater - Nelly Furtado

Our girl is getting revenge!!! This describes her to a tee! 

Misty

It’s a Lesley Gore song so I think it’s about the other girl edit:yep she’s so sweet 🩷 💚

Wow, look at her go! That’s my girlfriend!!! 🥹

Sunshine, Lollipops And Rainbows

They’re on a date together!!! Yay!!!! :D :O she’s mine?????

And love is here to stay - are you sure about that????

Arc 15: Post Public Meltdown/Fight

Rich Girl

We all know who this song’s talking about 😎

Wait, was she taking the money from Homelander this whole time????

The Edge of Heaven

Homelander, I thought we were over this???? 🫢 On again, Off again now it’s WHY???? :(

Bruh Homelander really does not take no for an answer

One day you’ll wake up on your own 😐???????

I Can Do Anything / Finale

That one song that all the youtubers use

OH IT’S FROM THE SOUNDTRACK

The Plagues

Lore: the girl has a brother OH no it’s like “You were my brother” like solidarity

Homelander is finally gonna take revenge on the girl once he realizes that he can’t have her

I will not / Let your (my) people go

what>???????

Charlie’s Inferno

HOMELANDER DIED????????

Cuz the description is so Homelander 😥 😢

 WHO LET the maker of this playlist cook>>>>>???????????????

Arc 15?: Yea he’s dead now

Here Comes The Sun 

-_-

I get you, Homelander’s dead now, alright>?????

Ok so is he physically dead, or just got his comeuppance? 🤔 🧐 🈁 ‼️

HOW

What I Like About You

The girl and the other girl are holding hands and spinning in a circle, she’s wearing her party dress, and they’re partying

Act 16: Trouble In Paradise… Again

(edit: I should have known!!!!! AH!!!!!! 🤦☠️ 😫 😔 😖)

Problems

Internalized Homophobia -_-

“Let loose and love all, pent up but painfully out of place”

Oh yeah, our girls is a crazy girl. I forgot about that. Oops. 🤷‍♀️

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

She’s leaving??? Again??? With no obstacle in the way????? HUH????? 😭

-that feeling when everything is going well but there’s still like 50-100 pages left in the book -_- 😭

-ok I’m back, Day 4 let’s go!

Also “Yellow Brick Road” symbolizes that the singer is leaving a magical, almost mystical place, so their love really must have meant a lot to her 🥹

Lore: yep, the singer is poor (I think, could be a metaphor ) pov of the other girl??? Cuz the girl we know has always been characterized as rich, and throwaway lines like these have not been an accident so far

Applause

She’s using fame as a replacement for missing the other girl 😭

Or she’s just famous now, and she lives for it (oh no??) 😬

Heavy Metal Lover

Oh girl is dealing with this, bad 😬 poker and love Also drinking

Lore: this is all happening in NYC thanks, genius lyrics for that one!

Arc 17: New girl??????? edit: yup! ya! :D

“Let’s be friends”

Lay All Your Love On Me

Lore: the girl is a grown up woman

She misses her 🙁 

Falling in love?

They meet up?

Bad Romance

No, not again! 🙁🙍‍♀️

OH! The other girl wants her??? :/????????

I don’t wanna be friends -oh

It’s bad, so…. Toxic? But it’s ok???

Seventeen

Confrontation of her internalized homophobia, her father was not nice to her 😿

Wife also has all the personality of a lemon truly sucked dry

tragic backstory 😔 😞

Wrecking Ball

:O 😭 nooooo that’s so sad 

And I break it just because I can

Why does this sum up our girl’s personality so perfectly? 😭 (holds fists down looking up to the moon)

Step On Me

????? WHAT kinda relationship is this????

Is the other girl an apologist 🥺

The Bidding

Alright, our girl is still deep in denial

Oh wow, now the other girl picked up drinking 😭

Lore: the other girl has seen a lot and been places, dated lots of people before

🥹 aw this must reeeeaaaal ly mean a lot to her

“I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie”

Don’t love me if I disappear then?????????? 😣

Oh, she got clocked, HARD

Verbatim

Aw, our girl is really getting into the thick of her internalized homophobia

Arc 18: Cheating with another girl :O how dare you

Hug Me

Why do you insist on leaving me? :(

(Hey, notice how this isn’t toxic and manipulative, unlike when Homelander was like BuT dOn’T yOu rEmem/beR thE GooD tImEs??? 😠) I don’t get why you’re leaving me 😠 vs I don’t get why you’re leaving me 🥺

Lore: the other girl and the girl dyed their hair black together!!! No wait, the girl dyed her hair black to match the other girl! And the parents couldn’t believe- pfft haha lol 🥲

Also, the other girl can fight >:) makes sense with the lore, haha! 😄 😁 😀 🙂 👏 👍 ⛈️ 🌤️ bacon and eggs!!!!!

tis a mini break up

STOP CHEATING OH MY GOSH

Love You Inside Out

Livin’ on your cheatin’

Too many lovers in one lifetime / Ain’t good for you says you lol

I love you inside and out 🌱 🥺 aw

Too many heartaches in one / Lifetime ain’t good for me 🥹 (girl… 🫂) (she put you through a lot, didn’t she? And yet, here you all, still loving her… 😭)

What am I gonna do if we lose that fire? ( 😭 augh poor girl)  edit: (the beginning of the end, right here! Ladies and gentlemen~)

Smile

The other girl has boundaries, recapping the situation so far I think? 🙂

Adore You

Who’s adoring who? Here

Oh, I guess the other girl still holding on for hiopew 

Lore: Brown skin confirmed, again!!! Oh, it’s just tanning, could be ok. 

The other girl is fighting for her dreams!!!

Mr Bad Guy - Special Edition

Girl… Don’t become Homelander 😭 😥

OH no, the internalized homophobia is beating her up 😢😥😭 poor freddy mercury 

Or… did the other girl snap?

Arc 18: sad vibes 🕳️ 🚈 🩵 ⚡ 🗻 🪶 ⛹️ 👍

Lore: our girl smokes (like Lana del rey)

You know where to find me / And I know where to look

Lore: the other girl can cook! or at least, did it once, with a half pack of lentils

I mean, she’s left stuff in peoples’ places before

Makes sense, I mean, she’s a seasoned traveler, after all!

I think the other girl decided to murder this other person the girl was seeing, was it a dude????

The Red Means I Love You

Our girl is bleeding??????

Nah, the other girl is manic now???????

All this back and forth can drive someone crazy, for sure, so I don’t blame her

Oh, don’t pick up those cannibal habits, now

Arms Tonite

Did- did the other girl decide to kill our girl???? HUH??????

Live And Let Die

You used to say live and let live when we were younger

The Rain The Park And Other Things

Was she reality or just a dream to me?

Why happy sunny vibes? 😢

Wait… did she kill, the, what?

Arc 19: I don’t know what this means

Starstruck

FLIRTING WITH THE PRODUCER???? Nah, ok, it’s just a reference George (charli xcx’s fiancee!!) is fire though!

Poor

Omg

It’s the other girl 

There goes the dagger? Got what she wants, happily ever after?

Took the money????????????????/

What You Waiting For?

Idk, what are you waiting for? 🌀 😥 👷

Now it’s only me???????

The kids… she took them in?????

Climber??? Took the money????????????

The exes get back together again

Bubble Pop Electric

Tonight I’m gonna give you all my love

There’s a conversation between two people

Drive-in movie

Tell your father I said hello

Arc 20: Uh oh stalker arc again lol?! But who?? Hm 🤔 💭

Call

Paparazzi

I’m your biggest fan

Chase you down until you love me (yeah she means it lol)

party girl

at the show

Loving you is cherry pie - love the reference here, lol

aching feeling

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy

We can do the tango just for two

I'd like for you and I to go romancing

When I'm not with you, think of you always

Response

Sarah Smiles

Yea, she sure does…

Fooled me before

Smiles like she doesn’t care

Lives in her world so unaware 

Does she know that my destiny lies with her?

Are you saving me?

The Ballad of Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa is an optimist who can run this town

Paints, drinks gin? iirc

Also poor,? Can’t pay?

There’s nothing wrong with a little taste of what you paid for

(OH ok with the murder, and the whatnot it kinda makes sense)

Arc 21: Shady Business ft. Arctic Monkeys

Talking In Your Sleep

I hear the secrets that you keep

When you’re talking in your sleep

 (Saying you want me)

Oh, our girl has got some secrets….

Ah. 😐 internalized homophobia strikes again…

Knee Socks

Your dreams just aren’t coming true

It’s giving TV girl / sippy cup, just another average day in the relationship 

You and me could have been a team

When you know who’s callin’ even though the number is blocked edit: <- deragment 

Chained To The Rhythm

Oh no something’s about to break-

Go crazy I mean

They’re still living ok, but they’re gonna have to face the murder charges somehow

It goes on, and on, and on

edit: this abusive relationship wasn’t supposed to be normal.

Christmas Kids

No, don’t leave!

THE GIRL I SWEAR AFTER TWO WHOLE MURDERS YOU BETTER BEHAVE YOURSELF

Lore: the kids were born on christmas, twins! Thanks, genius lyrics!!!!

Based on this interview with Roar, Christmas Kids is about the abusive relationship between Ronnie Spector of the Ronnettes and Phil Spector.

huh

😐

I think other girl is Homelander-esqe, nowew

I’ll know

Where you go if you change your name and leave this place behind

Oh, murder???

Batphone

I sell the fact that I can’t be bought

Ah, I’ll find you, on the run from murder charges, I see

Vehicles will pass by, but I know when it’s you

Sells the superhuman advanced tech universe

FINALLY

Arc 22: The End of an Era

Good Luck, Babe!

What are you running from?

Time to face the truth

You Should Be Dancing

This feels different than before

No happy sun

They’re dancing

It’s a flirtatious scene in the club, maybe one of them is being a little shy

though her? nah, I can’t believe she’d be shy

Apprehensive, maybe

OH ok, so coming back from later, this is when she meets the new girl! Oh I see! :}

trying so hard to be happy for them

Living Together

OH

Oh, it’s a “why aren’t we”

Long distance, I see :/

Happy Nation

Ace of Base

They’re appealing to the judge?

hmm idk here?

Why can’t this be a happy world?

Kinda like not super clear what’s happening here

No one man should rule the world alone

Oh this song is anti fascist

Did they get found out?

? 😕 🛂

LET US LLIVE IN PEASE ALREdsy, geeZ

edit: this is foreshadowing of the whole Homelander 2.0 kinda situation I think 

Act 23: Karma (That’s what you get for becoming Homelander 2.0, you big meanie)

Karma

That’s wild

I think the other girl finally came to her sense, and didn’t wanna date Homelander 2.0

Maggie Don’t You Know

again

oh. my. goodness.

LOOK HOW THE TURN TABLES

Oh No!

Yep, they broke up, for sure this time

The girl’s pov

Don’t want money, don’t want fame

Man, she really changed her tune, huh

Self fulfilling prophecy

I Can’t Decide

Whether you should live or die

L’AMOUR DE MA VIE <- this one right here, folks

Oh, I get it now

I tried to be there for you

Then you tried to break mine (my heart)

It isn’t asking for a lot for an apology

For making me feel like it’d kill you if I tried to leave

Then you moved on, immediately 😮  no way… ☹️ hate to hear it but don’t unexpect it 

You were so mediocre

And we’re so glad it’s over now

THE DINER

ooh the tea 🍵 ☕ 

And I just wanna talk

 NO GET OUT OF HERE YOU ABSOLUTE LOSER

stalking again, I see

 (calling card 🤮 )

Lore: The other girl is in jail now, because, you know, she was involved in the murder the second time around /.<?<tioseUJ.;p

yep, crazy

I memorized your number, now I call you when I please

Stalker, get away, already 

Lore: the girl tried to end it all but is now back up on her feet ☹️ don’t do either, please

Like be alive but be your loser self, over somewhere far away from here, leave us alone already. Please.

Arc 24: Is It Over Now?

September

Party time with the new girl!!!!

Ya!!!!!! :D

or

😑 is it the girl again

OH MY GOSH it’s even in his font now, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS 😭 (hands ruffled in my hair out of frustration over thsi)

Night Fever

YEah I hope you get a night fever, girl >:(

Guess the other girl couldn’t fix her partner, either.

Oh well.

New girl and the other girl are just flaunting around, at night, in that pretty white ruffle skirt, and having the time of their lives, huh. I’m happy for them, they seem pink rosy cheeks lovely and happy C:

Got to Be Real

Oh it’s real love this time 🙂 phew, got ourselves out of a real mess, that one :}

Funkytown

OOooh nice!!!

Oh haha, I see what’s happening here. 😝 😋 😛 😜 🤪 🥰wild

This feels super healthy :) lol

Asking for permission! It’s all in good fun! 😀

I Will Survive

Yeah right, you will!!!!!!!!!!

>:) I believe!!!!!!

I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, though\

Oh, that’s funny

Get lost, loser girl

Lore: idk if I missed it before, but THIS GIRL tried to hurt her with the word goodbye 😢

The other girl is very strong, in heart and she can fight >:)

I’m not that chained up person still in love with you

FACTS bars. honestly

Arc 25: Last one. Are they finally happy now? 🌥️ 🍳 🧀fondue

Y.M.C.A

:D

No man, does it all by himself

Aw 🥹 she’s helping her through this tough time

like a good a healthy girlfriend should 🥲 

Born Too Late

To you, I’m just a kid /That you won’t date?

Was the half your age thing not a red flag>? :hm

I think it’s the girl who sees them happy and out and about now 

LUNCH

New girl, dare I ask, again? 😔

I could buy her so much stuff

Man, I’m done with this 😶‍

Waterloo - last song!

The history book on the shelf

Is always repeating itself

They’re getting married 💒 👰

please just leave me alone I’ve had enough I’m done let me go!>....... 😔 💅☕ 🧊 💥 🪃 🫥 🌫️…   | The End.

–this is where I’m at in the playlist right now

Later the girl probably realizes that she doesn’t really like Homelander and dates a girl instead, like in Good Luck, Babe! → LUNCH

I looked ahead to the songs I recognized

Homelander is dating a rich girl with internalized homophobia and neglectful parents who don’t really love her as much as they should, and she’s a super freak from the streets. Homelander doesn’t really love her, and moreso just sees her as a fun toy of his. They have a great time, though there are signs that the relationship is toxic, but the girl decides to ignore them anyway. There’s another girl, stylized by the voice of harry styles, who longs to be with her instead, noting that the two of them don’t really like eachother like she could love her. Then, maybe the girl starts to realize what’s wrong, and agrees to see the other girl, and they have an affair. (The girl has kids, though maybe they aren’t married.) Then, Homelander finds out, they have an argument, and they break up. Homelander then gets really upset, and starts to catch feelings for real. He then stalks the girl, threatening her, as it all comes to a head as he blows up a high school. The message is clear: Marry me, or it’s over for you. (The other girl also brought up the fact that she’d like to marry her at some point :( ) Time skip!! Years pass, and she thinks longingly of the other girl. Homelander and the girl are married now, (cuz she’d be dead if she hadn’t), and the other girl goes looking for the girl. But, the girl is in denial, and wants to stay in the marriage. They still keep the affair going, though. (Wow, talk about internalized homophobia, huh. Not to mention the fact that she doesn’t want to leave the marriage, even when she’s clearly unhappy with it.) The other girl is gracefully sad, hoping the girl can love her back, because right now she doesn’t show it. Then Homelander goes on a villain arc and horribly mistreats the girl. The girl starts to realize that she’s dating a monster (cannibal). He finds out that the girl and the other girl are still seeing each other and goes mad crazy. (😢 concerned) The girl decides to fight back, thanks to the other girl urging her to do so, and she takes down Homelander (but doesn’t kill) and they escape. They two of them are happy, but Homelander is upset, and finally lets go of the idea of keeping her for himself and vows to take revenge. But… some divine force attacks him, and he gets his comeuppance. Finally. Deserved. And now the two girls can freely date, but after they are happy for a little while, the girl faces her own internalized homophobia, and withdraws because of her “problems”. (Tbf she is a bit crazy, but that’s ok!!!!) They separate for a while, the other girl is crestfallen, while the girl deals with it poorly, coping through fame, gambling, and alcohol and other people. They meet up again, unexpectedly, at a coffee shop (or somewhere they both used to come together, it doesn’t even say that that’s just my guess) and they try to agree to be friends, but then the other girl admits that she doesn’t want to, and the girl tries to explain how she’s broken and her tragic family backstory. The other girl insists on loving her, even through it all. 🥹 The other girl is holding on for dear life, but the girl keeps pushing her away, dealing with the turmoil that is her internalized homophobia, along with her other toxic traits, but it’s mostly that she’s not a monster like Homelander was, but now she’s left with the consequences of having that power. 😣 Then, she cheats, because they were “on a break” or something like that. The other girl kinda gets fed up with loving her, only to get nothing in return, so she decides to kill her. Or maybe. I don’t really know at this point. It all gets a bit confusing from here, but in short, the girl goes on the run, but basically ends up becoming Homelander 2.0, and we see a mirror of the events from before playing out, but this time, instead of the girl dying, the other girl just leaves her, disappointedly. Guess the other girl couldn’t fix her, after all. She finds her own happiness in the end 🙂 With a girl who treats her right!!!! 😤

Also I think it was the girl who was half the age of Homelander this whole time 😕 :/

my notes:

study for the job you want, keeping tabs on the job that you have

🫡 got it, boss!

sycophants, I’m sick of it

do you ever just forget you’re straight sometimes (unrelated but lol)

the boys thought me a lesson, and they taught it well.

good and bad can come in many form, it’s all just a matter of perspective

history repeats itself

the abused become the abusers (see intro to attack on titan)

it takes a special kind of person to love someone really messed up

and like sometime that ain’t a good thing

don’t give it all away to someone who can’t even love you back >:(

save your tears for another day

I understand a fraction of Chappell Roan’s pain 😔😔👍

“I can fix him” NO YOU CAN’T. LEAVE< NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok that's all, bye!!!!

hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did 🥲

[braceletofteeth]

🎶✨when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favourite followers✨️🎶

tagged by @leporschespam 🥰 Thanks!! <3

(I had to go and take a look at the Most Played on my music player, then I took note from the ones I know I actually listen a lot)

Me and My Husband by Mitski

A few months ago I was taking a quiz, as you do, and, in one of those infamous song lyrics questions, there it was. That's not where I found the song, though! (it happened long before that). I'm telling you about this specific moment because, in the quiz, it was classified as a song about codependency, and when I read that I was like “Yeah. Pfff. Alright.”, you know, incredulous, but then... I started thinking about all the ships I relate to it... And, as you can imagine, I went from oh to oh very quick.

Use Me (Original ver.) by PVRIS

The new version with a rap part is good too. Not very necessary, but good.

PVRIS is one of those rare bands I vibe with many songs, instead of just few and far in between.

I ALSO REALLY WANT TO EDIT VEGASPETE WITH THIS ONE BUT I NEVER GET AROUND TO DO IT 😭

Sad Girl by Lana del Rey

I used to think the lyrics said 'He's got the fire, and he talks with flames'. It sounded really cool in my head.

Choreomania (Live At Madison Square Gardens) by Florence + The Machine

The studio version is ok BUT THE LIVE VERSION IS EVERYTHING. I love dancing and being dramatic to the sound of Florence songs.

Also, I was today years old when I finally learned how to spell the title of this one (and what it actually means) 🤡

Baby Came Home by The Neighbourhood

What I like the most about this song is that it's tranquil, relaxed; beach vibes, even. Till you get to the bridge, and then you can't help but scream at the top of your lungs.

That's also a Moonjo/Jongwoo song!! I go completely feral every time someone edits them with it.

+ Bonus! New song I've had on repeat lately:

Bells in Santa Fe by Halsey

The first time I heard it was in the new season of YOU, but back then I didn't care enough to go looking for it myself. However, everything worked out just fine, because a week later I found it again—in the playlist of a KinnPorsche fic, of all things.

The reason why I'm listening to it so much at the moment is, Idk, maybe because I'm under stress, and the chorus feels like a daily affirmation/mantra thing...?

Halsey: All of this is temporary.

Me: Yeah I sure fucking hope so lol

—

I'm supposed to tag 10 of my favorite followers, so, let me see... I'll tag some blogs I see in my notes often, but I may not have interacted with directly yet:

@arson-is-lit @wholesometoad34 @notsocharmy @anamaycrystal @technicallyausername @phant0m-l0rd @knifeyrat @thealmightyawesomegay-blog @blue-ladoo @mayablackwolf

I haven't spoken to most of you before. I don't know if you like games, or to be tagged in said games, and, to be honest, one by one, I feel like this invitation will most likely be politely refused, for one reason or another. Doesn't matter. I may never know what kind of music you're into, but I know about other stuff that you like. And you know about stuff that I like, too.

Both to know and to be known feel nice, and good enough. Thank you for being around. 💚

[loveisalwaystheanswer]

Music Tag Game 🎶

Rules Music taste is a very telling thing. Create a new post and name 1-5 your favourite songs in each category. Don't be afraid to be too obvious! Tag users you want to get to know better. Don't forget to have fun :)

Last songs you listened to: Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad - Def Leppard, The Funny Feeling - Phoebe Bridgers, Cathy Come Home - Flyte, Friday I'm In Love - The Cure

Best songs from your favourite TV show/movie: oh gosh, I put Peaky Blinders Soundtrack on a pedestal, so I'll have to narrow my choice to 3 songs: All My Tears - Ane Brun, Strange Weather - Anna Calvi, David Byrne, Abattoir Blues - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds and all the other songs that remain unnamed xD

Favourite songs about love (happy or not): Lover - Taylor Swift ft. Shawn Mendes, I Can't Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis Presley, Heart Like Yours - Willamette Stone, This - Ed Sheeran and much much more

Songs that could be the soundtrack to your life: Alibi - 30 Seconds to Mars

Songs that always make you want to dance: Let's Dance - David Bowie, Real Love Baby - Father John Misty, Hips Don't Lie - Shakira (yes, guilty)

Songs that always make you want to cry: I'm Ok - Christina Aguilera, Run - Snow Patrol, Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey

Songs with the best lyrics: The Animals Were Gone / Accidental Babies - Damien Rice (he's very eloquent about love and pain, no wonder cos' he's Irish), My Tears Ricochet / The Lakes - Taylor Swift, I guess I can just write these two names. Amazing songwriters.

Songs you want to listen to when you're alone in the car: Girlfriend (Dr. Luke Mix) - Avril Lavigne ft. Lil Mama, I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor. And it doesn't even matter I don't have a car!

Songs that bring you back to yourself when your life is a mess: Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye, Tammi Terrell and almost any Taylor Swift's song

Favourite instrumental songs: Spiegel im Spiegel (Version for Violin and Piano) - Vladimir Spivakov & Sergej Bezrodny, Rise - Hans Zimmer, New Moon - Alexandre Desplat, Una Mattina - Ludovico Einaudi, Arrival Of The Birds - The Cinematic Orchestra

Songs that make you feel like you're invincible and very cool: Lose Yourself - Eminem (yes!), Woman - Harry Styles, but I think I just need to be happy to feel myself invincible

Guilty pleasure songs you're embarrassed to admit that you like: I'm too old to care about stuff like that, but let's say Famous - Kanye West

Songs that can describe your current mood: Vienna - Billy Joel or People Help The People - Birdy

If you wanted to be serenaded, what songs would you prefer: Love of My Life - Queen, Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra. God help that guy if he doesn't have an ear for music.

Songs you'd recommend everybody to listen to (you can explain why if you want):

No Light, No Light - Florence + The Machine (because Florence's voice is so ethereal, magical and she can make you feel like you're flying)

Hey Jude - The Beatles (no further explanation)

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (this is a very interesting and unusual song to listen to, something out of any genre. A pure masterpiece)

Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse (I can literally name any of their songs and I won't miss, just like with Radiohead)

Happier Than Ever - Billie Eilish (for those who love beautiful vocal. Billie's soft vibrato and the second part is a powerful crescendo)

tagging: @runnning-outof-time @zablife @aranoburns @i-just-look-at-pictures @jonathancraneswife444 @filmonaut @notyourriddler @tommyxgrace-always @carlfranzen @sassyrebelrockerprincess @l1-l4 @shelundeadxxxx @doraviolet @peakysgrace @grace-werethesame @peakyv @rousie @achurni @twvstedsouls @moral-terpitude and @springsteens @violaobanion (hello, my tumblr superstars, i just live in hope :)) and anyone else who wants to do it. No obligation, go to it if you’re keen! 

[prentissluvr]

marí when i tell you i could write an ESSAY on but daddy i love him. truly, i’ve read most of your works and you’ve outdone yourself SO HARD with this. im not usually someone who can sit down and read 10k words in one session without a break, but your writing stuck my eyes to your words like GLUE!

the way you describe settings and people makes it feel so very real, and i could imagine every single paragraph as if i was standing in the room. i absolutely adore the way the cogs turn in your head and the way i can FEEL the reader’s feelings pour into your words. that’s another thing — how you described the reader’s entire experience with empathy is nothing short of brilliant and so satisfying to read. it had me feel that tug in my chest!

this especially: “it seems like, in all your experience in feeling, sam is showing you more, all by himself and without even trying. to be understood, so fully in so little time, is not something you’d ever felt for yourself before.” just got me so good. like what do you MEAN someone has the capability to make ME feel like i’ve had empath powers for all my life and sam winchester is the first man to truly understand me? your words had me relating so deeply to an experience so far from me; i felt so connected to the story.

and the final quote!!!! “and for you, to be flying down the highway and looking at your sam, your revelry, your wild joy, you finally understand what freedom really feels like. what it feels like when it’s yours.” as a die-hard swiftie since red??? this made me lose my mind??? as a fic writer who loves to include any reference to taylor ever, this was done so magically! it really tied the entire piece together and had me giggling and twirling my hair. just scratched the right place in my brain to read these lines and think of the song.

anyway!! sorry for writing so much i just felt SO inspired by this story and wanted you to know how amazing it turned out; i know you know, (if you don’t, you know now. if i keep talking this is gonna turn into a lana del rey song) but i wanted to tell you as well, because it’s TOO GOOD OF A FIC TO NOT INBOX YOU ABOUT!!! lots of love x 🫶

UGHHHH GRACE I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO MEEE <33 don't ever apologize for writing a lot, it makes me SO SO HAPPYYYY !!!

i'm genuinely just soso glad that you enjoyed this one!! i was feeling unsure about it so it means a lot to hear that someone liked it this much!! and i'm so flattered you think i've out done myself + that you could read it all in one sitting!! i have the same problem, so it means a lot that my writing could keep you engaged!!!!

and for you to say that my words connected you to the story!! WOWOWOW that's the hugest compliment ever, i'm so grateful you'd say that, seriously. that makes me feel real nice about my writing hehe <33

and sososo glad you liked the ending!! i was hoping it wasn't too cliche and i'm glad you thought the reference to the lyrics was good hehe.

JUST THANK YOU SOSOSO MUCH !!!! again, i can't tell how good this ask makes me feel lovely <33 it means a lot a lot a lot that you'd feel so inspired by my fic <33 ILYSMMMMMMM

[grandhotelabyss]

Any thoughts on music in general? Or are you not really "into it"? (Once a friend tried this excuse instead of admiting that my music which I asked his opinon about simply sucked lol)

It would be stupid to say I'm not "into it," but it is true I have no gift for it, I know of no musical talent in my family, I never studied it, I can't play it or otherwise produce it, I have no technical or formal vocabulary to describe its effects or inner workings, I am not particularly schooled in any one of its traditions. In short, I have a pure and total "normie" relation to music. To anyone actually schooled in that art, I must look to them the way a normie looks to me when said normie gets on YouTube and casually enthuses in one breath about Virginia Woolf and then in the next about some vaporous YA author as if the difference between these two (a difference in kind, not degree) were genuinely undetectable. It's kind of embarrassing, really. I think I've said already that if people want to argue for music as the highest art, I will understand, since it may be the most powerful art of them all, but I will have to stick with words and pictures myself.

I have my enthusiasms, both longstanding and those that fly by night. I was basically born into the broad rock-as-art tradition that, as an integral cultural phenomenon, extended from about Revolver to about Kid A, and can speak to some extent about that—someday I will defend my thesis that the Smashing Pumpkins was the greatest American band of the '90s; I don't even think this should be controversial—though, as the late-20th century's version of the Gesamtkunstwerk it offers plenty of verbal and visual interest to someone like me who can talk about literature and art but not music. I have made my forays into classical and jazz and have some untutored tastes in those areas (Chopin, Rachmaninov, Coltrane, Davis) but couldn't begin to comment or even to judge.

Speaking of the Gesamtkunstwerk, I keep meaning to immerse myself in Wagner—surely the most important single figure in European culture for the transition from the 19th to the 20th century—though there again my interest is as much poetic, visual, and theatrical as it is musical, as is, to move to a completely different sphere, my longstanding interest in Lana Del Rey. I watched Schrader's Mishima recently—an extraordinary film—and have been listening to Philip Glass's score ever since. I dropped in on Steve Bannon's podcast the other day to see what the further right was saying about Israel-Palestine, and he was gleefully playing "When the Man Comes Around" (the key lyric for both fanatic and cynic being, I presume, "Till armageddon, no shalam, no shalom"), so I've been listening to that a lot lately, too, just in case. That's about all I can tell you.

[heliads]

hello lisa!! it's been so long since i've requested something from you so i figured i'd indulge myself in your beautiful writing

could i have a tasm!peter x fem!reader inspired by the song radio by lana del rey?

basically the reader's a singer, and she's finally "made it", and she feels like now she's finally worth something now that her songs are playing on the radio

she's never really felt like she's deserved peter's love until now; she'd always viewed him as so much better than her, what with his spider-man duties and fame due to that, and thought that once she became famous she would finally be worthy of him

but now that she's gotten wrapped up in fame, peter's grown distant, and feels like he's lost the "true y/n"

basically just a lot of angst, but if you could figure out how to make it have a happy ending that would be great

love you lisa!! tsym <3

thank you so much!! oh i had fun writing this one lol

masterlist

The room is silent, save for the whir of gears and the click of your pen as you finally shut the cap once more. You consider the completed design in front of you, then nod at last in satisfaction.

“It’s done.”

Beside you, your boyfriend looks up with a start. “You finished? This is it?”

You nod happily. “This is it. My first album cover, finally completed.”

Peter Parker stands up, putting down the mess of metal and wires in his hands so he can peer over your shoulder. “I think that looks fantastic. That means you’re ready to release your stuff, right?”

You swivel your chair around so you can face him. “Exactly. I’ve been singing for a while, but now it’s going to be out there.”

Peter whistles. “That’s my girlfriend, out there. I’ll be buying a dozen or two copies as soon as I can.”

You laugh. “Don’t blow your whole budget on the first album alone, Peter. I’m sure to have a tremendously successful tour in a matter of months.”

Peter pulls you into a hug. “I’ll take out a loan, no worries. I can’t wait to see how the album does.”

You smile into his shoulder. “Neither can I.”

Honestly, this feels like a fantastic step forward. You love singing; making music is the best way you can picture the world around you, all through the frame of song lyrics. Sure, something might hurt you today, but once you put it through a few chords and stanzas, it’s no problem at all. Music makes sense for you, and releasing this album is going to let the world see your life through your own eyes.

Not even they can stop me now

Boy, I be flying overhead

The best part is that you have Peter right by your side throughout all of it. He’s there to count down the seconds until the album goes live online, he happily calls out every incremental change in streams, he tells all his friends and neighbours to go listen to your songs. You couldn’t ask for a better person to hold your hand throughout all of it.

Their heavy words can't bring me down

Boy, I've been raised from the dead

Right now, the two of you are driving in Peter’s car, windows rolled down to best let in the sunshine. You’re both wearing the cheap plastic sunglasses you bought on a prior date in the mall, when you tried on every combination of lens style and frame color until the kiosk owner was sick of you.

The car radio has been on for a while, but you haven’t been entirely paying attention to it. The announcers always talk too much in between songs, and you’re about to switch to another channel when you hear the opening notes to a very familiar song.

All of a sudden, your carefree mood comes to a crashing halt, and your hand flies to the volume controls. “Peter, that’s my song!”

Your boyfriend blinks in surprise. “What?”

You gesture frantically at the car radio. “The channel, they’re playing my song! That’s my new song!”

Peter’s mouth drops open. “No, that’s crazy! That’s one of the most popular radio stations in, like, the entire country. Turn it up!”

You don’t have to be asked twice, but even when the car is practically shaking with the force of the chords, the song still holds true. That’s your song, that’s your music, and everyone’s listening to it. Your mind is fighting whether it wants to burst into wild laughter, sing along at the top of your lungs, or just start screaming in excitement, so you do a little bit of all three.

Peter is just as happy as you, so much so that he has to pull off the road onto a narrow shoulder so he can dance around with you. He unbuckles his seatbelt once he pulls the parking brake, reaching for you as soon as he can.

“That’s you, Y/N! That’s my girlfriend’s music!” He’s practically yelling, and a couple who happen to be walking by the car pause to give the two of you strange looks.

You, however, couldn’t care less about the concerns of some random pedestrians. Your music is on the radio, god damn it! You’re popular. You’re real. Isn’t that everything? You never thought you’d get to a point where you could be worth something, not like this, and it feels utterly fantastic.

For once, looking over at Peter, you feel like you deserve him, really deserve him. He’s a wonderful boy, and he goes out of his way to make sure you feel loved, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like you’re on the same level. He’s Spider-Man, and thanks to his patrols and the constant spread of media attention devoted to figuring out who he is, he’s always had this sort of aura to him that you’ve never been able to match.

No one even knows how hard life was

I don't even think about it now because

I finally found you

Peter is, of course, terrifically humble. He’s never made you feel like you’re less than him, but you feel like that nonetheless. How could you possibly feel equal to him when he’s out saving lives every night and you’re staying in to do calculus homework? Sometimes, you just feel like a pet project, someone whose presence he’ll tolerate until he finds some other superhero just as bright and important as him.

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon

Like a fuckin' dream I'm livin' in

Now, though? Now, there’s no pretending. You’re important, just like him. People know your name, just like they know of Spider-Man. There’s no power dynamic, even if neither of you ever bring it up, because the two of you are finally on the same level. This is exactly what you have always wanted, and it’s finally yours.

Baby, love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio

How do you like me now?

It’s a rush, to be honest. Even after listening parties with Peter, where the two of you can’t stop cheering over all the people talking about your album, there’s still so much to do. Choreographers are messaging you by the dozens, hoping to be the one to design dance numbers for all your future performances. Radio hosts and late night stars want you on their shows.

It’s fantastic, isn’t it, to be wanted like this? You’re thinking about it on the flight back home after a particularly thrilling radio interview. People love you, and everyone wants to hear from you. The stars in your eyes haven’t faded, even in the months since your album first released.

American dreams came true somehow

I swore I'd chase 'em 'til I was dead

The only person who doesn’t seem taken by it, strangely enough, is Peter. You always thought you’d have him in your corner, especially after all the times he brought up your music in a conversation or wanted to talk about your songs on his own accord.

Right now, though, walking home with him after he met you at the airport, you don’t get the same supportive feeling from him as you always did. To be honest, it’s already got you on your guard, even before he starts to say what’s on his chest. You’ve always stuck by him with his Spider-Man stuff, even when the police hated him or when the public loved him. You bandaged his injuries, you helped him design his suit. Shouldn’t he be able to do the same thing with you?

I heard the streets were paved with gold

That's what my father said

You can tell Peter’s been thinking about something for a while, but it’s not until halfway through the walk that he finally starts to switch the conversation towards whatever is going through his mind.

“So, my favorite rockstar, I was just thinking that we haven’t gone on a date in a while. How about we catch a movie this weekend? I’ve heard of a few that check all of our boxes.”

You wince. “That sounds amazing, Peter, but I’m supposed to be meeting with my record label manager to discuss potential deals for future albums. He lives way out of town, so I’m going to be gone all through Saturday and come back late Sunday.”

Peter nods, a slight clench in his jaw the only sign that he isn’t fine with this. “No problem. What about next week? After school, maybe?”

You sigh, trying to picture your already jam-packed calendar in your head. “No dice. I have to head directly to a radio station headquarters after school for another interview.”

Peter’s frown refuses to leave. “The weekend after that? Hell, any time in the next two months?”

You don’t like his tone. “Peter, what’s this about? We knew I’d be busy when the album was released, there’s no need to take it out on me.”

He rakes a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I knew you’d be busy, but I thought you’d at least be trying to make time for me.”

You laugh sharply. “Of course I’m trying to make time for you. That’s why we’re walking together now.”

Peter scoffs. “Instead of, what, you getting a limo home? Don’t act like I’m anything but replaceable now that you’ve got the world revolving around you.”

You stop walking, and Peter stops with you. “What is your problem, Peter? I just said that I’m trying to make this work. Sorry if you feel otherwise.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “It’s not just a feeling, Y/N. You’ve been different, ever since that album came out. Do you even care about stuff other than the views or the celebrity shoutouts?”

That stings. “So that’s your problem, that I’m happy my album is doing well? What other way could I possibly respond?”

Peter gestures uselessly with a free hand. “You could still be you, for one thing. I can barely see you around the Louis Vuitton brand deals. I mean, take your latest single. What was that one line, ‘Now I’m in L.A. and it’s paradise?’ You don’t even live in L.A., you just visited it once or twice! There’s the Y/N I fell in love with, and there’s the Y/N that’s jetting across the world for her fame, but I don’t think they’re the same person anymore.”

You draw back from him. “I can’t believe you. I am happy for the first time in a very long time, so happy I don’t even know what to do with myself. When you started getting pleased with yourself because everyone knew who Spider-Man was, I stuck by you, even when it made me feel like nothing. I’m sorry to see that you can’t do the same with me.”

Peter realizes what you’re trying to say, or avoid saying. He takes a careful step forward. “Y/N, I didn’t think–”

You shake your head. “No, you really didn’t.”

You turn away from him and start walking down the street. This time, you’re alone, and this time, Peter doesn’t try to catch up. That’s for the best, isn’t it? Even if he apologizes, he still won’t get it. He won’t know what it’s like to never feel like you’re good enough. Sure, it’s easy for him, he’s important. Why can’t you be important, too? Screw Peter. You can do what you want.

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon

Like a fuckin' dream I'm livin' in

In fact, you pour all your energy into doing exactly what you want. You laugh alongside big-name celebrities on late night talk shows, you charm your way into high society gatherings until people swear they can scarcely remember a time when you weren’t among the red-shoed ranks.

The only problem with all of it, the gold drippings and gemstone party favors, is that none of it feels quite real. At first, it was wonderful, all a dream come true. Everything is perfect here, the lipsticked smiles never end, but you never mean any of it. Every laugh disguises apathy, every best friendship formed hides blank nothingness.

For example, you’re currently seconds away from performing live at one of your biggest concerts yet, and you don’t feel a thing. No excitement, no nerves. You don’t even feel stage fright at the sight of so many people all staring back at you. There’s just an endless cloud of emptiness.

The music starts, and you start to sing, every movement perfect and practiced. You were able to have your choice of choreographers, and you’ve already inspired thousands of dancers to try and imitate your routines. Not a hair is out of place, and your costume is shimmering and gorgeous. Every note comes out polished and pure, and when you finish, you’re surrounded by thunderous applause.

You stand on the stage, looking out at all the people who can’t get enough of you, and you realize that you hate it. When was the last time you felt anything? Even heartbreak would be good, although people only seem to encourage it when they think it could inspire another album. These people would stomp you into the ground if they thought it would get you another chart-topping single, and you would let them do it. Who have you become?

Baby, love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio

How do you like me now? (Oh, sing it to me)

You head home that night, restless and unable to rescue your mind from the same tunneling realization that you don’t want it anymore. You still love your music, the clothes, the opportunities, but you feel like you’re missing something important. Or, perhaps, someone.

You change out of your designer gown and too-tall heels when you get home, wash the perfect makeup from your face. You’re not entirely sure that you recognize the girl in the mirror; she’s just a little too different, too tired, too worn. You swear that your eyes are supposed to be brighter, your hair more full, but the stranger looking back at you still moves when you move, so she must be you after all.

You pull on comfortable clothes, and after taking one last moment to make up your mind, walk over to your window and throw open the sash. It’s relatively easy to climb up the fire escape to the roof, and you sit, legs dangling over the edge. You don’t know that anyone will come. Although Peter once promised that he’d visit whenever he could, that promise was made to a different girl, and it might not hold true with you.

A wind blows across the roofline, and you pull your knees up to your chest to block out the chill. The movement must distract you from approaching noises, because you don’t hear Peter approach until his voice sounds from next to you.

“I didn’t think I’d find you here.”

You lift a shoulder, somehow afraid to look at him lest you dispel the myth that he might still be here for you. “I could say the same thing about you.”

Fabric rustles against metal, and then Peter sits down next to you. He isn’t looking at you yet, just staring up at the sky. “I saw you in that performance earlier today. You seemed miserable.”

You let out a bitter laugh. “That’s what every girl wants to hear whenever they’ve been on live television.”

Peter shakes his head. “No, it’s not like that. You looked beautiful, but you always do. It was your eyes, that’s where I saw it. You don’t want it anymore, do you?”

You close your eyes for a moment. “No, I don’t. I mean, I like it plenty, but it’s not the same.”

Peter nods, as if expecting this. “I don’t think anyone else could tell that you hated it. Then again, they haven’t known you as long as I have.”

You dare to glance at him again, and find that he’s finally looking back at you. “Why did you watch today’s performance? To see if I would despise myself as much as you despise me?”

Peter leans forward slightly. “Same reason I watched every other performance you’ve done. I missed you, and this was the only way I could pretend I was with you again.”

The sudden truth makes you go quiet. Peter continues. “I never hated you, I just missed you. I haven’t felt like I’ve known you in a very long time.”

You look down at your lap. “I don’t think I’ve known myself in a long time, either. I don’t know where I went wrong, but none of it is right anymore.”

Peter reaches out a careful hand to lay it on your shoulder, and you instinctively lean into his touch. “I don’t think it’s all wrong, just that you need to sort out what matters most to you.”

You watch him again. “You. That’s what matters. That’s the one thing that has made the rest of this feel worthless.”

Peter’s lips twitch up in a half smile. “I’d like to believe you quite a bit,” he says, “But how do I know if this is just another performance?”

You’ve told enough picture-perfect lies for him to doubt you now, and you hate it. “There’s no audience listening now except you, and I know you well enough to know that you’ve always had a soft spot for people trying to do their best. I don’t know who I am, Peter, but I know who you are, and I figure if I can find my way to you again, I’ll find myself in a matter of moments.”

Peter chuckles. “That’s a pretty good sentiment. Put that in one of your songs. I’m expecting a sad ballad that ends happily.”

You smile. “Does that mean we’re ending happily?”

Peter leans over to press a kiss to your cheek. “It does. I don’t want to fight anymore, Y/N. I just want you.”

You want him, too. It sounds like a fair deal to you, and you take it.

Baby, love me 'cause I'm playing on the radio

How do you like me now?

marvel tag list: @namoreno, @thatfangirl42,  @rogueanschel, @mycosmicparadise, @ellobruv-blog, @caswinchester2000, @with-inked-solace, @sher-lokid7, @amortensie

[yunkiwii]

》 HEADCANON 《

STRAY KIDS at concerts i've been to | hyung line

↬ maknae line coming up

pairing: non-idols!ot8 x gn!reader

genre: let's say.. fun fluff?

warnings: mosh pit (mentioned once)

wc: 833

a/n: this was all based on concerts i've actually been to, consider the members being the age they were at the year of said concert

situation: reader really wants to go to the concert of their favourite band/artist, but since they don't have anyone to go with they end up convincing their boyfriend, even though he doesn't really know much about the said artist(s), to go with them.

↬ bang chan | nick murphy fka chet faker, 2019

you spent the whole concert seated down, right in the middle back of the small arena

chan kept his hand on your thigh for the most part of the concert, occasionally tapping his fingers to the beat of the song

found it cute how you were so involved, knowing all the lyrics, but keeping quiet from time to time to just listen and appreciate the music

at some point he takes his hand off your thigh and pulls you in closer into a hug, your head resting against his shoulder

kisses your forehead when you intertwine your fingers with his while singing to i'm into you

"i can barely hold my tongue, to say the least i'm into you"

wouldn't stop singing talk is cheap for the next few weeks,

since it became his favourite song at the first second of it, when you stood up with sparkling eyes pulling him up with you to dance to the rhythm

"i never felt this relaxed after a concert" he confesses to you on your way home

↬ lee minho | arctic monkeys, 2018

tries to pull you out of the mosh pit

fails terribly and ends up there with you during brianstorm, constantly grabbing you so you don't end up on the floor

gets jealous over the way you look at alex turner

"i can't believe you're drooling over a guy twice your age combing his hair, i'm right here!"

laughs at you for singing (yelling) to 505 even before the song had began

you assigned him to film your favourite songs (*ahem* all of them) while you just go wild

he takes this as an opportunity to embarrass you on his instagram stories, filming you crying when cornerstone starts playing, hands on your head screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs

gets happy when do i wanna know comes on because it's the only song he knows the lyrics to

sings along with you

makes fun of you and your raspy voice is in the end

despite all the mocking, the next day you see a photo of yourself - taken during the said concert without your knowledge - in his instagram feed with the caption "they're made of outerspace" (from the song arabella for those who might not know)

↬ seo changbin | twenty one pilots, 2019

i just know his outfit would be on point 👌

would react to everything like a little kid at a candy shop

"wait wow is that a car on fire?"

"wait wait wait, wasn't that guy on the stage just now?? what? WHAT? where did he come from?"

to the outsiders it would seem like he was the fan and not you

gets surprised at how you know every single lyric

"wait, you even know the rap parts?!?"

would then kiss your cheek, "gosh i love you even more now!"

again, like a little kid in a candy shop, jumping up and down and going as crazy (if not crazier) as you when stressed out begins

"I KNOW THIS ONE BABE!"

"they're so cool!!"

he's the one ruining the silence game (the boy is just too loud all the time)

won't ever shut up about how great their songs are and how it was the best concert he has ever been to

"thank you" kiss "thank you" kiss "thank you so so so much for taking me" and more kisses

↬ hwang hyunjin | lana del rey, 2019

would definetly buy both of you flower crowns, even though you said you didn't want one

"but everyone has one!!"

"we're not everyone, jinnie.."

he ends up convincing you by putting a pink one on him matching his blonde hair perfectly, and you just couldn't resist how ethereal he looked with it

catches up on the lyrics fast and ends up serenating you during video games

"it's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything i do. i'll tell you all the time, heaven is a place on earth with you"

makes you shed a tear with how sweet his voice sounds against your ear, contrasting the loud screams from the other fans

becomes a little (tall) kid when the huge beach balls are released to the crowd and he catches one, throwing it as far away as possible

gets cocky when you admit - in the heat of the moment - that you associate blue jeans with him

"are you comparing me to james dean? babe, i'm flattered"

"i take it back", you ignore him and keep vibing to the songs, closing your eyes from time to time

he loves how invested you are and joins you, also moving his body around next to you

places one hand on your back when he notices people getting closer to you due the lack of space to move around, pulling you closer to him

nets: @k-library @ficscafe @k-dinernet

taglist: @dreamwrld @su-lix @bobateastay

⇢ let me know if you want to be added to the taglist ♡

[hollandorks]

HEY BESTIE!! i’ve missed u! this summer has been very busy but i’ve been loving sitn so i wanted to write in an ask! 🫶🏼

obsessed with lena being like 😏 when she mentions batman… the dramatic irony!! i love that shit 😌

the way he calls her menace… 🤤 love it

overall, loved chapter 5 so much!!

the line in chapter 6 about b taking the extra contact lens and earpiece 🥺 wahhh that made me a little sad THEN the scene when y/n sees selina take it out!! 😭 ty for just making it a passing moment of jealousy tho! 🥲

“‘That’s why he recognized you. Just now. He was shouting in my ear, but–‘ Selina huffed a humorless laugh.” god i love this because also the fact that he recognized her so quickly even with the disguise and stuff (ofc lena also did but i just really love the fact that he could recognize her anywhere 🥰)

I LOVE the way you wrote about the senses and all of her memories of the iceberg lounge now that she’s back

i also love that she’s going to help selina now too! i’m so excited for chapter 7!! (i’m v excited for her to see bruce again right after that)

ok so song recs!! young and beautiful by lana del rey has always had such a bruce wayne vibe to me! then for a taylor swift rec, dancing with our hands tied! the lyrics: 🥲 the music: 💃🏻

how have you been?! i hope you had a relaxing beach vacation! (and hope you enjoy your next one 😉)

🖤

Hi bestie!! I've missed you! How's life? Get anything else published? 😉 Also how's the job? (Or was in an internship?? Damn now I can't remember sorry!! 😩)

I love writing in little teases where people are like "ha you have a crush on Batman!!" but they have no idea. It makes me giggle to myself 😂 (Like Gordon's comment in the motn epilogue!)

Also yes I only wanted it to be a passing moment of jealousy!! I hate love triangles tbh so I'm doing everything I can to stay away from that. A little bit of jealousy is normal (especially because, hello, we've all seen Selina, she's gorgeous) but Bruce is such a simp for the reader it's obvious he'd never even look at Selina that way! And we can tell he's a simp because she's disguised and he only needed a split second to recognize her 😉

Ch 7 is a good one!! I want to say more because I'm excited but spoilers!

Those songs!! LOVE THEM BOTH. I love love love seeing your song recs. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it! That whole line about dancing through an avalanche in the Taylor song 👀

Also I've been good!! First beach vacation was very relaxing and very hot but ended with some weird and dumb family drama--but whatever! It was still a good time. I'm headed out on beach trip #2 on Tuesday! This one won't be relaxing because it's with my mom's entire side of the family 🥵 but my brother is here from Alaska so that's a plus!

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Spotlight: A Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Chapter 6

Word Count: 4,766

"This way please," the usher led Colson and Y/N to their table. There were people already seated at the table and Y/N's eyes widened as she recognized some of them.

"Sorry we're late, we had a bit of a stalker situation," Colson announced to the table as he pulled out a chair for Y/N.

"Sweets these are my friends-friends this is my wife. Let's fine tune the details later shall we?" Colson said, as he took a seat next to Y/N.

"Hi," Y/N waved shyly at everyone.

"Dude-you cannot drop a bomb like that and-sorry Y/N I'm Dominic-and this is my heartbeat, Maya," Dom held out his hand and Y/N couldn't help but stare.

"Oh my gosh! Dominic Harrison!" she whimpered.

"That's what she said," Dom and Colson fist-bumped and high-fived each other, laughing. Dom's wife gave him the eye and he winked at her. Dom was topping the charts along with Colson. It was no wonder they were friends.

"Never mind these two delinquents," Maya said rolling her eyes, "I'm Maya and this here is Riley and Nathan her husband."

"Y/F/N Y/L/N," Y/N extended her hand.

"Point of correction sweets- you're now a Baker. I made it official," Colson raised her hand and kissed her wedding ring.

"Duly noted husband," Y/N smiled.

"Colson Baker you're so extra," Maya rolled her eyes again, "I'm going to the rest room, I need a break from all of you," Dom stood and kissed her before letting her go.

"I think I'll come with you, if you don't mind," Y/N said, as she followed behind.

"So how's married life so far?" Maya asked as they freshened up their already perfect make-up.

"Complicated," Y/N said.

"I know but it gets better. Promise," she squeezed Y/N's hand.

"A couple of months ago, I never expected any of this..I guess I will have to adjust with time," she voiced her concerns.

"I know..it took me a bit of time to adjust but Dominic was so patient with me. Just be patient with Colson, he may seem a bit difficult at times but he's a good guy deep down inside. It may be hard now but don't put too much pressure on yourself, just take it one day at a time okay?" Maya reassured her.

"Thank you," Y/N smiled, "I really needed to hear that."

"Do you want to exchange numbers? I might get busy but I can always call you back if you send me an app or something," Maya took her phone out of her bag, "what's your number?"

"You don't have to Maya, I know how busy you are and I wouldn't want to impose-" Y/N protested.

"Y/N, you're one of us now..Colson and Dom are like family..and I know how overwhelming it can be," Maya laid a hand on Y/N's shoulder, "I think you could use a friend who is in the same struggles, don't you think?"

"Yeah, you're right. Most of my friends a still in college and are as clueless as I am," Y/N punched her number into Amaya's phone and she did the same.

"Y/F/N Baker! Can I have my wife back please?" Dom called out from behind the door.

"Same goes for you Maya Eve-Harrison!" Colson voiced.

"You two are incorrigible!" Maya remarked as the door swung open.

"That's why you love me babe," Dom put his hand over her shoulder and kissed her cheek.

"What took you so long sweets?" Colson said as he put his hand around her waist.

"Maya was just telling me all your deep, dark secrets," Y/N teased and Colson laughed.

"If you wanted to know all you had to do was ask Bambi. But you would have to listen at your own risk and I would have to put a disclaimer on everything that I told you..plus divorce is not an option," he put a hand on her exposed back and electricity shot through her body, by just a simple touch.

"Colson, we still haven't had "the talk"," she stopped and looked up at him, "I still don't know what we are.."

"Are you hungry?" Colson asked.

"What's that-"

"Yes or no?" he persisted.

"Not really.." she furrowed her brow, wondering where he was going with this.

"Good. We can go and have that talk now. Come this way," he led her out into a dimly lit garden and they sat on a padded bench, in a secluded area.

"We don't have to do it now-I was just-" Y/N started. She had no words to say now that she was presented with the opportunity. she had gone over this conversation so many times in her head but now that Colson was sitting here, right in front of her, staring at her with those intense ocean-blue eyes and angelic face, she froze-mesmerized with how gorgeous he truly was.

"You know what they say Bambi; strike while it hot sweets," he took her hand and rubbed the back of her palm like he usually did. If only he knew how that affected her..her hear was beating against her rib-cage and she was sure he could hear it.

"Let me go first?" he suggested.

"No-let me..There's something I need to tell you first.." she pursed her lips into a thin line.

"You know that you can trust me right?" he tilted her chin up gently.

"Yes..that's why I need to tell you..that..I was once raped by my ex-boy-"

"Y/N stop..you don't have to re-live that whole thing again," Colson held her by the shoulders and saw tears glistening in her eyes.

"Let me..I want to.." she bit her bottom lip, "Don't interrupt okay?" Colson nodded quietly.

"We had been dating for about two years and it was on prom night. We had already agreed that we wouldn't have sex like everyone else had planned but we would wait until after college or whenever I felt I was ready," tears rolled down her cheeks as she narrated the horrible ordeal, "We went to an after party at one of his friend's house since the parents were away-and I only had a couple of drinks but I started to feel woozy and I asked him to take me home, but he carried me to a room upstairs and told me to lie down for a bit."

"Did he-" Colson clenched his fist and Y/N held a hand to his lips and continued. It was obvious that he had used the oldest trick in the book-the date **** drug

"He started to strip off my dress as soon as he locked the door-I tried to protest-to push him off to reason with him..but he was like man..possessed..he had a scary look on his face and it's like he couldn't hear what I was saying.." she gulped and Colson wiped the tears from her face, his heart breaking along with hers.

"I was powerless..he raped me..repeatedly..until I passed out," she shook as sobs racked her body. Colson pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried. Never had he felt such intense pain for another human being-he felt like some one had ripped his heart out and beat in with a hammer until it was in shreds. He blinked back tears unsuccessfully, until he just allowed them to slide down his face, uninhibited.

Colson had never felt the need or instinct to protect anyone but that feeling invaded his mind, body and soul right now. He would find the bastard and make him rue the day he saw the light of day. Anyone who caused Y/N such unspeakable pain deserved nothing better than to pay for what he did. Colson soothed her the only way he knew how..he sang.

𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅, 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍 

𝑯𝒂𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒘 

𝑫𝒊𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒔, 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒂𝒏𝒕, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑩𝒆𝒍 𝑨𝒊𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒘 

𝑯𝒐𝒕 𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔, 𝒎𝒊𝒅-𝑱𝒖𝒍𝒚 

𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒅 

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒛𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔, 𝒄𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒅 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍? 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍? 

𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍?

𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅, 𝒍𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒖𝒑 𝒂𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒘 

𝑯𝒐𝒕 𝒔𝒖𝒎���𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔, 𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒍 

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒅 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘 

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝑰 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒄 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍? 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍? 

𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍?

Y/N looked up at him and smiled through her tears. He wiped her tears and kissed her forehead. She seemed better.

"You're okay?" he asked as he pushed back the loose tendrils of her hair.

"Yes but you forgot to sing the best part of the song," she teased.

"Is that so Miss Lana Fanatic? I can't seem to remember that part though? But since you're clealy a fan maybe you can help me out" he held his chin and pretended to be deep in thought. They broke into laughter and started to sing the bridge together.

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅, 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏 

𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆, 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒂𝒏 

𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 

𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒊𝒏 𝑭𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓, 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒇 

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 

𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒚 

𝑯𝒆'𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒖𝒏, 𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒔

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍? 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏' 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍? 

𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍?

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍?

𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍?

( Credit: Lana Del Rey -Young & Beautiful lyrics)

"You're perfect Y/N. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Let's get out of here," Colson said as he stood and pulled her up along with him.

*********************************************

It was the last week of the tour and the last stop was in Brussels. Those that had left during only left Ashleigh and Reggie. Y/N was disqualified from the competition since she was married to Colson. Sommer was obviously eliminated after a month but she stayed on as Slim's girlfriend. Slim was fired but was serving his notice until the end of the tour. He was hospitalized a couple of more times due to an OD but he still refused to go back to rehab.

Sommer was equally hooked but she had brief moments of sanity now and again. Colson had washed his hands of them both and was trying to get his life back on track. He had a few slip ups but they were less frequent.

"Yes Mom, I will be home after the weekend," Y/N said as she spoke to her Mom on Facetime.

"Which home?" Mrs Y/M/L/N asked with slight irritation.

"I-We haven't decided yet," Y/N frowned. She would have to speak to Colson about their living arrangements when they got back home.

"Hmmph..So does that mean you're not coming back to Cleveland? What about school? You're already two weeks behind," she reprimanded her daughter.

"I know-I will catch up okay?" Y/N sighed. She avoided calling her mother nowadays because it always ended badly. Mrs Y/M/L/N had altercations with her daughter every chance she got and it was beginning to take it's toll. When would her mother get over the fact that she was a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions? After all she was a married woman now wasn't she?

"Don't waste your life for-" Mrs Y/M/L/N began to lecture.

"Listen Mom, I've got to go. Love you bye." Y/N slammed her MacBook shut and sighed heavily as she massaged her temples.

"Everything okay Bambi?" Colson said as he climbed into bed with her. They were sleeping in the same bed ever since their heart to heart but hadn't been intimate yet. Colson didn't want to pressure her after confession. He promised Y/N he wouldn't take it to the next level unless and until she explicitly told him so, in her sober senses preferably.

Over the weeks she came close to telling him because it became more and more difficult for her to exercise restraint. Especially when he spooned her in nothing but his boxers, what was a girl to do? Maybe it was time for her to stop throwing subtle hits and just seduce him or come out and say it. He was her husband after all wasn't he?

"It's Mom but let's not talk about it okay?" she fluffed her pillow and faced him.

"I'm all in sweets," he said softly, "You know that right?" he stroked her cheek gently with the back of his hand.

"Yes, but-it's nice to hear you finally say it?" she couldn't help but smile.

"Did you ever doubt it? Did I ever give you a reason to-scratch that?" he shook his head and laughed, "Look I don't know how to relationship because I haven't-what I'm trying to say is you make me better. I'm willing to try to be a better man..for you," he pledged.

"Colson-I want to believe you but-I'm scared.." she revealed, her lips trembling.

"I know baby," he held her head against his chest and stroked her hair, "I'm scared too..I've never done this before and-I'm afraid to hurt you. I would rather die first than to break your heart again," he lamented.

"I don't know if I can trust you with my heart-and yet I still want to be with you," she confessed. Y/N had known this all along but she could no longer be in denial. She was in love with Colson Baker but she wasn't sure how he felt. She knew she was skirting on thin ice by putting her heart on the line, but the heart wants what it wants.

"I've tried to stay away from you-believe me I've tried..but it's like the harder I try the more I'm drawn to you. You keep pulling me in like a magnet.. I can't seem to get away from you no matter how hard I try," he turned to look at her, his blue eyes reflecting a stormy sea.

"Maybe we weren't meant to be?" she whispered, her voice breaking.

"Please don't say that?" he held her face, his eyes silently pleading with her.

"It doesn't have to be this hard," she sighed in defeat.

"Then we shouldn't make it hard," he implored, "let's take each day as it comes. I'm willing to try Y/N...and for me that's saying a lot."

It was after 2am and they had just got back from the airport but Colson felt like they needed to have this talk, sooner rather than later. He didn't want to drag her along blindly, she had a right to know where she stood. If he wasn't certain before he was certain now..he would give this relationship all he had.

"I know..but I don't want to put my heart out there and-"

"I will never hurt you intentionally-or let me put it this way; I apologize in advance and ask for your forgiveness in advance- for anything that I might do or say to hurt you. I'm still new at this so please be patient with me baby? Can you do that for me? For us?" he cajoled.

"Okay..let's give it a try," their eyes met and his lips tilted up involuntarily.

"Really sweets? You're sure? I'm not going to let you change you mind after this. I know I'm a bit intoxicated- but I will remember this." he laughed softly.

She seemed uncertain and he really didn't want to pressure her into anything but all he knew was that he wanted this girl in his life. He would do anything to keep her, even if it meant him making some drastic lifestyle changes. Maybe then she would be convinced about how serious he was about their relationship.

"Yeah. I'm sure," she nodded, smiling.

Although she wasn't certain of the consequences of her decision-and she knew there would be- she wanted to be with him. Against her better judgement she agreed to his terms and she hoped that he was as sincere as he looked.

"Thank you baby..you don't know how much this means to me," Colson heaved a sigh of relief.

"Just promise me that we will always be honest with each other-no matter how painful," Y/N swallowed hard, "Promise?"

"I promise," Colson replied with sincerity as he leaned forward and moulded his lips with hers.

*********************************************

"You need to get up and get ready Bambi," Colson called out from the bathroom, "I need you to accompany me somewhere in the next hour."

"Where are we going this time Baker?" she mumbled as she stumbled out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom.

"You'll see," he smiled and kissed her forehead; before walking out of the room.

"Ahhh," Y/N massaged her temples as she sat on the toilet seat, "My head..."she groaned loudly.

Her head was pounding and she felt like it didn't belong to her. She had become addicted to brufen and alcohol she admitted grudgingly to herself. They had another wild after party after Colson's concert. Tomorrow he was closing off his tour and they would be another party to seal the tour. Life with Colson was a constant party and the only way she could cope was alcohol and more alcohol, day after day, event after event, party after party, night after night.

"We will sleep it off sweets don't over think it. It's not like you have work or school tomorrow. Just let loose okay?" was Colson's mantra for her.

Colson was always the life of the party and always surrounded by people. Y/N had learned the names of some of them but she met new faces almost everyday and she couldn't keep up. A part of her missed home (minus her grouchy mother) and her friends..her real friends. She was kind of relieved to be heading back home on Sunday evening. This lifestyle was draining and it was turning her into something that she's not.

Y/N turned on the shower head and the warm water beat down her back soothingly. She turned around as she heard Colson open door.

"Your outfit is on the bed sweets. Please hurry we're running late," he said said and left quickly. He closed the door and leaned against it. This was harder than he thought and it was the longest he had gone without getting some. This celibacy thing was going to be the death of him.

"Deep breaths Colson," he mumbled to himself before dashing out again.

"Let's go Baker," Y/N tapped on his door and when he didn't respond she went into the room to search for him. She heard someone throwing up in the bathroom so she made her way there. Colson was kneeling over the toilet wrenching his guts out.

"Are you okay babe?" Y/N knelt beside him and rubbed his back. He nodded weakly before spilling his guts out once again. Y/N got a wet towel and wiped the sweat of his face and looked at him with concern. She got water in a glass and gave it to him to rinse him. He rinsed his mouth and collapsed back onto the floor.

"Rain-check?" He groaned as he leaned against the wall. His shirt was lying on the floor; his jeans unbuttoned, leaving his torso in full view. Y/N tried not to stare and concentrated on his pale face instead.

"Yeah-of course," she furrowed her brows, "are you okay?" she absently rubbed his jean-clad thigh.

"I'm-not sweets-I'm not," he shook his head. His face was flushed; beads of sweat were forming on his forehead again.

"Can I drive you to the hospital or something?"she crouched in front of him and pushed his hair back as she felt his temperature, "you're burning up babe!" she exclaimed as she stood up, picked up his shirt from the floor and gave it to him, "we're going to the hospital now-no arguments please,"she said firmly as she helped him put his shirt back on.

"Hmm, you're so sexy when you talk tough Bambi," he drawled.

"It's nice to see you still have your perverted sense of humor," she commented dryly, "Can you get up or should I get Jax?"

"I gave him the day off sweets. It's just you and me today," he scrunched his face and pushed himself up against the wall and staggered out of the room, with Y/N's help.

"Which car are we taking?" Y/N asked as she scanned the car keys lined on the garage wall.

"Ferrari would be fitting for this I guess. The sooner we get there the better-." he winced, his breathing unsteady.

"You're going to let me drive your Ferrari??" Y/N was shocked to say the least.

"It's no biggy sweets. You're my wife aren't you? What's mine is yours," he kissed her softly and smiled.

"Is that so Baker?" Y/N tried not to blush.

"Sure thing babe," he winked at her.

Y/N opened the car door and helped him slip inside. She adjusted the seat so he could lie back and strapped his seat belt. She jumped into the car and smiled at Baker as she drove out of the garage. He winked at her again, squeezing her hand before lying back on his seat. She couldn't believe that she was driving a Ferrari-and not just any Ferrari-it was Colson Baker's prized possession.

"You okay..?" Y/N glanced over at him briefly.

"Yeah.." Colson said with his eyes still closed, his teeth chattering.

"According to the GPS we're almost there," she glanced at him, trying not to panic.

"I trust you baby. Do what you need to do okay?" Colson's body began to tremble slightly as Y/N swerved the car in front of the hospital's entrance, "Can you walk or should I get a nurse to bring a stretcher or wheelchair?" she unbuckled her seat belt and went over to his side.

"No..I think I can manage..just help me out," he stepped out of the car and put his arm around Y/N's shoulder. Fortunately, the hospital wasn't so busy so they were assisted quickly. The nurse led them into the private ward and helped place him on the bed.

"Dr Lander will be here shortly," she announced before leaving.

Y/N sank into a chair by his bedside and took his hand. He seemed to have gotten worse, his face was pale and he was sweating profusely. At least he was in a place where he could get help, she thought to herself.

"Good evening, I am Dr Lander. What can we do for the famous Colson Baker?" the doctor asked as he stepped forward and began to examine Colson, "you must be..his girlfriend?" He looked like he had just graduated from med school and was part of Colson's band.

"I'm his-" Y/N began.

"She's my wife Doctor, so she's off limits," Colson threatened.

"Okay, now that's out of the way, let's get down to why you're here," Dr Lander laughed and put a thermometer under Colson's arm.

"I feel lousy," Colson mumbled.

"Care to elaborate on that Mr Baker?"

"Sweets, can you?" he asked, breathless.

"He was throwing up and is feverish. So I brought him here," Y/N advised, "That's all I got- sorry Doc," she shrugged.

"I think that should suffice," Dr Lander pursed his lips as he began to type on his iPad, "I think it's either food or alcohol poisoning. Have you been drinking a lot?"

"Yeah..we have..," Y/N said, guilt written all over her face.

"I figured," he muttered, "You're on tour right?" Dr Lander asked.

"Yeah," Colson replied, "No lectures please okay Doc?"

"Got it," he nodded, "How about a prescription and a recommendation for a thorough detox?" Dr Lander suggested.

"I think I can work with that Doc," Colson answered.

"Great, let me get you on a drip and get a nurse to prepare the rest of your meds. Sounds good?" he started to set up the drip while he talked.

"Music to my ears Doc," Colson replied.

"Just one last request..you don't happen to have any concert tickets lying around do you? I tried to get but they were sold out on the first day they went on sale," he sighed.

"I can do you a real solid and get you two VIP tickets," Colson grinned at the doctor.

"Really??" Dr Lander gushed, "My girlfriend is going to be so..Wow! Thanks a lot man!" Dr Lander couldn't stop smiling, "let me get your other meds. I'll be right back so we can discuss the concert further."

"Babe- not to be a party-pooper but do you think you will be well enough to perform tomorrow night?" Y/N asked with concern

"I'll be okay sweets. I feel better already actually," Colson took her hand and brushed his fingers over it like he liked to do. She almost lost her trail of thought but she fought to focus on what they were talking about.

"If you're sure," she replied with uncertainty.

"Hey, I'll be okay. Don't worry you pretty little head," he lifted her hand to his lips, "Thanks for caring Bambi," he winked at her.

"Right, I think I've got everything," Dr Lander burst into the room after some time, "I think you can go home with your beautiful wife."

"She's is a beauty isn't she Doc? And she doesn't even know it," Y/N blushed as Colson looked at her pointedly. He sat up as the doctor removed the drip.

"Well at least she has you to remind her constantly and to sing about it too," Dr Lander smiled.

"Thanks for everything Doc. My driver will drop off your tickets tomorrow morning," Colson said as they walked out of the hospital.

"Thanks Colson. I really appreciate it man. I am such a huge fan! My girlfriend too.. You have no idea what this means to me," Dr Lander beamed, "Nice wheels! Wow!" he walked round the car, trailing his fingers on the body.

"If you're not too busy you can join us for the after party at the hotel. We're staying at the Hilton," Colson offered before he jumped into the car.

"I'm so there man! Can I bring my girlfriend along?"

"Of course. I'm going to string mine along as always," Colson smiled at Y/N.

"Great! See you tomorrow then," Dr Lander waved at them as they drove off.

"Are you feeling any better?" Y/N asked Colson, her eyes fixed on the road.

"Yeah, thanks for being here for me sweets. I appreciate it," he squeezed her hand.

"That's what wives are for," she winked at him and turned on the radio.

"Welcome back to 93.3 ALT FM! It's your girl Brinna! Rumor has it that America's hottest heart-throb has been snatched off the market. It's a sad day for the female species-me included... Anyway here's his latest offering simply entitled "She's Got Me"; indeed she has got you on lockdown Colson!"

Tagged: @kellysimagines

[secondhandnewsradio]

SHN INTERVIEW: Rachel Bochner

by Claire Silverman

Rachel Bochner is a singer/songwriter based in New York City. Her career in the music industry began with an A&R internship at a record label, and it was there that she realized her true passion for creating and sharing her own music. Her passion lies in making pop music that resonates with people through the good, the bad, the lighthearted, and the heavy.

CS: Congrats on the release of your song “hating myself in the summer!”

RB: Thank you so much!

CS: The song feels like a song that so many people, especially young girls, can relate to a lot. What initially prompted you to write this song?

RB: I actually started writing this song back in October, so it wasn't written in the summertime. But the phrase in the chorus “I'm tired of hitting myself in the summer” is kind of what sparked the song as a whole. And like you said, it's something that a lot of people, especially young women can relate to. I think it's just something that I have always struggled with for as long as I can remember. There are periods in my life where I noticed, at events or seasons, that I'm feeling particularly self-conscious, and summer is definitely one of those times. There’s this push and pull of “I want to be enjoying myself, and I just want to exist and not be worrying about this,” but there's also a pressure that “okay, my friends are all going to the beach, and I don't love how I'm looking in this bathing suit, and now that's consuming my mind,” and it's a really exhausting thing to worry about. Also as I've gotten older, it’s become so much more apparent that it's not something that actually matters, and it's not something that I should be basing my worth on. So the song is about coming to that realization.

CS: One thing I like about this song is that it's you and yourself, but also it’s you speaking to a lot of people. I appreciate that this song is a pop song, and it's a really good pop song, but it's not about a love story, which is something I really like. I've noticed this type of theme in some of your other songs too. Could you tell me a bit about what kind of messages are you interested in writing about, and what's important to you and your songwriting overall?

RB: It's funny that you say that because this song is on a project that is a collection of songs that are all not love songs. I think, for this project, I wanted it to be exactly that — my thought process and things that I'm feeling and what I'm going through but not really about another person. I do love a love song, and I love the last EP that I put out that had this story of one relationship not working out and like coming into a new one that feels better and more authentic. So I felt like I got that off my chest for a bit. I started with “how am I feeling?: And “what are the things that I am struggling with?” And what are things that I think that other people who are around my age, so high school through mid to late 20s, can relate to? I love being able to write something that feels really personal to me, but when someone listens to it, they might have a completely different life experience and still be able to place themselves in that song.

photo: Sasha Bellentine

CS: Who are the artists that you feel have really influenced you and your songwriting?

RB: I am definitely influenced by a lot of different artists. Some longer-term inspirations for me are Julia Michaels, Maggie Rogers, and Lana Del Rey. I think Julia Michaels’ writing is the kind of pop music that I am really drawn to,  where sonically it’s a bop, but lyrically, you can read into it and it’s a thought-provoking song. Recently I've really been loving Conan Gray. Also, Sasha Sloane is great. I always feel overwhelmed when I'm asked this question because I feel like I need to list everyone. And I also love Taylor Swift. She consistently blows my mind.

CS: I love that. One of the coolest things that I’ve noticed from speaking with female artists around our age is that literally almost every single one of them has been deeply influenced by Taylor Swift. She has really helped create this next generation of songwriters. It's so cool.

RB: And I also love Lorde so much, but I feel like people always kind of name Lorde as their inspiration.

photo: Alex Lyon

CS: So how did you get started in the industry? What made you realize that music was what you wanted to pursue?

RB: I have always loved music. I've always been a singer, for as long as I can remember. But I didn't really start writing and working on my own music until later on. I think part of that was being a little bit afraid of failure. The part of me that wanted to do that got overshadowed by the part of me that was afraid of being bad at it. But I actually started seriously writing during the summer of 2018, which is weirdly recent. For a while, I thought I wanted to work at a label, so I interned at a record label that summer of 2018. I was doing A&R and was listening to new music every single day and looking for new artists. That’s when it clicked for me that I loved writing and I wanted to be sharing my own music. From that point on, I've been focusing on finding my network of people to be making music.

CS: As I was getting ready for this interview, I was listening to your EP 2 AM again, and I wanted to ask you about that EP as well, specifically, your song Ultraviolet. What was the story behind that song?

RB: Ultraviolet was written at the end of last summer, so we were deep in COVID times. From not being able to see people and just having so much time to sit with my own thoughts, I started to understand things about myself that I hadn't previously ever even thought about. I needed an outlet for thinking about that and processing the questions and realizations I was having about my sexuality. Naturally, I wrote a song about it. It created this space for me to explore everything that I was thinking about given the circumstances.

CS: You mentioned earlier with that EP that there was a big emphasis on the storytelling aspect of your songs. Can you talk a little bit about that, and, and the process of that EP, and putting out an EP in a time where playing concerts can’t be a part of a release.

RB: Since I started releasing music right before COVID, I’ve never really lived in a world where playing shows is a part of the release strategy. I'm excited for that to be a thing. In terms of the storytelling, the songs on the EP weren't actually written in the order that they appear on the tracklist. Afterwards, I figured out how they made sense to me, which was fun. Something I like to do in my writing is pull from experiences and emotions that I have personally felt, but also using fiction and applying an emotion that I have actually experienced and I can speak to, but in a different situation. I think as a songwriter it is really important to be able to open yourself up beyond what you've experienced firsthand, and still be able to make it sound genuine and have it resonate with people.

CS: Do you have any news you can share with us? Any exciting things coming up in the future?

RB: Definitely. I have new music on the way [Rachel’s new single “ghosted my therapist” is out now]. I won't say too much, but there's a little easter egg in the music video for “hating myself in the summer.” It's cryptic, but it'll make sense eventually.

CS: Is this the Taylor Swift fan in you putting easter eggs in your videos?

RB: Oh 100% yes.

CS: Can you give us a few recommendations to end with? What are the songs you've been listening to recently?

RB: Conan Gray recently put out a song called “People Watching” and it's so good, it was co-written by Julia Michaels as well, and she’s one of my favorites. There's a song that I literally cannot stop playing and it destroys me emotionally but I am obsessed with it. It's called “I Can't Wait to Be British” by Carol Ades. If you're looking for a song to cry to, that's a really good one. I’ve also been listening to a lot of JP Saxe lately. I'm actively not sad, but I love listening to sad music right now.

CS: It was really nice to meet you, and I'm looking forward to hearing your new music!

RB: Thank you!

[getitinbusan]

Jungkook friends to lovers, angst and smut. Inspired by Lana Del Rey's California. Please leave feedback if you'd like more.

It was a rare rainy August day in California, the heavy drops creating a melody on the window as you put the dishes away. You were tired, lonely and the feeling you had in your gut kept nagging at you, maybe it was time to give up. Well into the second month of not making rent, it was only a matter of time before your roommates would stop exchanging house cleaning duties for money. Standing in the kitchen feeling stupid, It had taken way longer than it should have to come to the realization that in LA you were nothing, not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough or talented enough. 

Gathering up the mail that was strewn across the countertop, you shuffled through to sort priority. Junk mail, bills, personal… one standing out in particular. The penmanship was nice, black ink, unassuming envelope, but it was the stamp that caught your attention, it was sent from Korea. The top had already been torn, the letter having been read, was cradled back safely inside. Addressed to your roommate a frown crept onto your face, why wouldn't he write you? It was a ridiculously  hopeful notion but you widened the envelope and inhaled trying to find his fragrance, something to trigger a happy memory. How many times had you borrowed his sweater just to have his smell on your skin? Cool California nights were the best excuse to wrap yourself in his scent. You missed him, it had been a year and a half since he'd last come around.

It was too tempting to resist, your fingers pinched the paper inside of the envelope and pulled it free. 

"I'm feeling low, I don't know who I am, only who I'm supposed to be. What would life be like if I had stayed in California? We could all be roomates, hanging out and having fun, going to the beach on weekends. Does she even think about me? It sounds greedy that with how much I have right now, it's not enough, I would give anything to wake up everyday in bed beside her. I want more than anything to be able to talk to her about these things but I can't, I made the mistake of trading her for fame and now I'm destined to keep her at an arm's length so she'll never know the price I paid. How does she even see me now?  Just an Idol? Has she forgotten the days we spent together? I've been wrestling with myself, whoever that is. I wish I could be the teenage boy from that long ago summer again. I wrote this song thinking about it…"

~When I see you smile in the screen

You're good at everything

You're just perfect

Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me?

Do you know who I am?

Or how do I look now?

You don't like me like that

I want to be your decalcomania~

"I'm afraid I may not get back for a while,  please write. Your friendship and thoughts of Y/N are the only things that are keeping me tethered to some semblance of reality."

JK

Clutching the letter to your chest your mind took you back to that day. "Decalcomania, the art or process of transferring pictures and designs. Making a copy of the original on a different medium"  You'd both laughed at the strange name, reading the description of the art on the museum wall during your visit so long ago.  

California had lured you into its promise when you'd just turned 14. Having been accepted to The Movement Lifestyle Studios intensive dance program in LA you left all your friends for the summer. You were going to be discovered! It was July and it was hot, the dancers stepping off the bus one at a time to take their places in the studio. Looking around there were so many older kids, you were probably one of the youngest. They called out names and put you into groups, it appeared to be by age and you made your way to the tiny gathering of four. Shy introductions were made as one more member was ushered over to where you had congregated, "This is Jungkook." He had the cutest smile and barely spoke english but his eyes twinkled like the constellations.

Immediately drawn to each other you became fast friends. Absolutely exhausted at the end of the first few days he'd knocked at your door. He was homesick and lonely, used to being surrounded by his six members and he couldn't sleep well without someone beside him. You let him crawl into bed with you, you were 14 and it was innocent.  Inseparable, days were spent side by side and the others referred to you as the twins. It was the best summer of your life. Promising through tears to keep in touch and stay friends you went your separate ways. 

Jungkook would send silly videos of his practice sessions, goofing around with the other members.  He'd facetime and text but he always loved to send handwritten letters. They lived in a box under your bed and contained stories of how hard he was working to become an idol. He always signed off with an I miss you and a few lines of lyrics he'd written. You didn't know then how important they would become, the only tangible piece of him you could still hold on to.  

Whenever he came back to America you did everything you could to see him. You went to the small tour stops when they came through in 2015, KCon in 2016, but 2017 was different. Facetiming you with the news that they were bringing the Wings tour to NY, Chicago and Anaheim, he asked if you'd be part of the dance crew. How could you turn down two weeks with Jungkook? They were getting bigger, more popular and their lives were changing. 

Jungkook would sneak you into his hotel room so you could spend the nights catching up. He had rules, the fans came first and girls were 

not allowed. Even though it was just friendship it could be easily misconstrued, everything had to be done in secret. The boys would bring in food and cover for him while you both stayed locked away out of sight. While you were happy to be with him, you could tell there was an underlying sadness he was holding on to. "I wish I could go and explore the city with you, like we used to," his voice trailed off. You were laying in each other's arms cuddling on his bed.  Leaning over he kissed the top of your head, "All I wanted was to take you on a proper date. I've been waiting so long to become someone, to become a man worthy of your affection. Now I'm stuck, I have everything and I'm not allowed to share it with you." His arms gripped you tighter, "I'm sorry, this is a terrible confession. I don't expect you to love me back, not under these circumstances, I just need you to know, you're the only girl I've ever loved and there won't be anybody else, ever." 

You remembered every word of his confession,  every moment of that last night in the hotel room. The words of a 19 year old boy whose life had become bigger than the feelings of two people. He left in the morning without knowing, too afraid to tell him, you loved him too.  

LA became home right after the tour left Anaheim. Focused on dancing, if you became good enough maybe you could tour with him. A letter with a big bouquet of flowers arrived a few weeks later.  

"Congratulations on your new house in LA! I hope that all of you are getting along as roommates, it's hard living with others sometimes. Last night I dreamt that I was there with you and all our friends, we were having a party on the beach and we sat together and watched the sunset. Remember after practice we would skateboard as fast as we could to the ocean so we wouldn't miss the colors? Maybe one day my toes can feel the sand there again. I miss you, I miss me… the me I am when I get to be with you. We are coming back in November for a few days and I'm hoping I can see you, I'm lonely already.   

Jungkookie

~Won't you please stay in dreams

I can hear the sea from far away

Across the dream, over the bush

Go there where it becomes clear

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

When I'm with you, I'm in utopia~

When The AMAs came, all of your friends in LA were involved with the awards production. Your roommates helped organize the coup to steal Jungkook away so you could take him on a real date. Having enlisted Namjoon to help, the boys would cover for his whereabouts. The day before the awards they were only scheduled for styling, as long as he wasn't late for the press rounds the next afternoon your plan could work. It was Namjoon's job to get Jungkook out of the building. Telling him to follow his lead, Joon convinced the managers that Kook must have eaten something bad for lunch and wasn't feeling well, he was whisked away to meet you at the hotels back receiving door. Sitting in the shiny red rented convertible you tossed him a pair of sunglasses, what you wouldn't give now to see that smile again. Barely giving him time to get in you'd sped away heading straight for In And Out Burger. "Jungkookie, I hope your ready for the best day of your life! We're going to eat until we explode, drink and party at the beach and then instead of returning you to your 5 star fancy hotel you're staying the night in my crappy little house with a tiny uncomfortable bed!!" He laughed, so pure and happy, thinking about it now made you sad. Was that the last time he got to be his true self, Jeong-guk the man not Jungkook the personna? 

Knowing you only had one day to give him everything, one day to show him you loved him, you tried to make the best of it. Picking up the food Jungkook held onto the red and white bags in the passenger seat, sneaking his hand in to steal fries when he thought you weren't looking. If you weren't sure you were in love with him before you you certainly were now.

Pulling up beside the tree on the beach he was stunned, "Ahhh Jagi, I can't believe you brought me here." Happy that it meant as much to him as it did to you, you both sat on the branch and ate. Two blocks from the old studio it used to be your escape, every break you'd make your way to the tree for a time alone, together. 

With the burgers done he turned to you and smiled,  it felt like he wanted to say something, cutting him short you pulled him up and back towards the car. Making your way to the Movement studio the students were starstruck when he walked in. After insisting that he teach some choreography, he reluctantly led the class. Your eyes were glued to him as he moved in front of the mirrors, no longer that awkward teenager but a full grown man mesmerizing you with every move. You were careless, It didn't take long for the photos to hit social media. Getting back to the car he stopped you before you reached for the handle. Putting his arms around you he pulled you in close, "You stink Jungkook, I think our next stop is the ocean" You remember pulling away, how stupid you were, you should have held on to him longer. Reaching into the back seat you revealed a pair of swim shorts and a towel. He looked disappointed that you kept interrupting his attempts at intimacy, but you had a plan and limited time to execute it. 

The Ocean was perfect, and the wind was warm, he came out of the change room with the shorts on but was still wearing his shirt. "Kookie, this isn't Korea, you don't have to be so modest here AND you may not believe it but when your skin is sunkissed… you look like a god." He raised his eyebrows and quickly removed the shirt at your request. Running into the water you splashed and played and he took great pleasure in picking you up and throwing you as far as he could. The sun was getting ready to set and you wanted to dry off before the cooler air set in. Leading him out of the water you both laid down on the towel. He put his arm around you under your neck and you cuddled into his side. "My god Jungkookie,  look at your abs!" He blushed like crazy as you traced the muscles on his stomach. "Stop, it tickles." he giggled. But you didn't, you kept tickling him until he held you so tight you couldn't move. He had you pinned and flipping you on your back he shook his wet hair flinging water droplets all over you. Pleased with himself he leaned in closer to you, his eyes asking for permission to kiss you. As the gap between you got narrower you could hear his name being shouted and footsteps running closer. He flopped onto his back and sighed as your roommates and friends piled on top of him. Eating, drinking and catching up with everyone you watched each other from across the bonfire. Moving from person to person he slowly made his way back to your side. "Welcome back, Kookie," running your hand through the back of his hair it was now or never.  Pulling him closer your lips finally met in the way they were destined, soft, slow and full of love. His hands instinctively moved to cup your face as the world stopped around you. "I love you," you whispered, nose to nose he smiled and it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. It didn't last long, his phone started going off incessantly. The managers knew, the photos and videos from the studio had been discovered online. "I'm so sorry Kook, I didn't mean for you to get in trouble." His eyes turned hungry as he grabbed your hand. "Let's get out of here, you promised I wouldn't be going back to my hotel tonight." If he was going to get in trouble anyway, why stop now?  

The drive back to your place was quiet,  adrenaline and hormones flowing like electricity through you both. The time for smiling was over as the seriousness of the situation hung in the air. It wasn't just being in trouble or being caught, but the fact that you both knew what was going to happen when you stepped into your bedroom. One act that would change everything between you, holding the power to change the dynamic of your relationship forever. Leading him to your room you closed the door and stood staring at him as he sat on your bed. He raked his fingers through his hair before he spoke, "I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be able to make love to you. BUT I also know that when I leave I'm not going to get to see you again for a very long time. Management is going to do everything to keep us apart and that won't be fair to you. I think that maybe we should just let our happy memories of today be enough, I don't want you to get hurt." 

Walking closer you stood between his legs and he wrapped his arms around your waist. "The only way I can be hurt is if I never get to experience all of you. I can't live not knowing how it feels to be totally yours if only for the night." He rested his head against your chest, "You'll always be mine," his hands traveled to the hem of you shirt and his fingers ran over the soft skin of your stomach. Undoing the button of your jeans he slowly slid them down your legs and you stepped out of them.  Standing up he lifted the thin fabric of your shirt over your head and you stood before him waiting as he took his off too. Unclasping your bra he sighed as he looked at you taking in your shape, his fingertips hovering over your hard nipples. "I've never done this before," he confessed. "Me either," you whispered, "So, I guess the bars pretty low." His giggles cut the tension before he pulled you on top of him onto the bed. More relaxed he let his mouth start exploring your body. You were goosebumps and shivers beneath him as his tongue found it's home between your legs. He was soft and careful placing his lips over over your clit,  sucking it in delicately until your moans couldn't be contained any longer. You could feel his eyes burning into you as he watched in awe as his finger slide inside you. "It's good Kookie, please…i can take more." He sighed as his mouth picked up speed and another finger slid in slowly. Moving your hips to meet his mouth you were unravelling quickly, "The way you taste is better than anything I had imagined." Circling your clit between his words you came hard on his tongue. "I made you so wet," he said, impressed with himself. "I need to feel myself inside you." Moving up to where your head lay on the pillow he pushed your damp hair off you face, "are you ok? do you need anything?" he placed his forehead against yours. "Just you Kookie, I love you so much, please… I want you so badly." Moving slowly he lined himself up with your wet entrance. "Tell me if you need me to stop okay?" He pushed slowly and you could feel yourself stretching around him. He watched your face and froze when he saw the tear roll out of the corner of your eye. "I'm so sorry, let's stop, I didn't mean to hurt you." He thumbed away the tear, "No, baby… I'm okay… I'm just so happy, so overwhelmed with how much I'm feeling right now" he smiled down at you, pressing his body closer as he gave another push until he was fully inside you. Your bodies fell into a beautifully choreographed rhythm until Jungkook was so lost in pleasure he began to move at his own pace. Quicker and deeper he moved until he finally spilled into the condom. 

You kissed, and kissed, and kissed until you fell asleep wrapped around each other. Every few hours he'd wake you up, checking to make sure it wasn't a dream, making love each time,  harder and faster. It was 9 am when he caressed you awake once more. "I have to leave soon, I don't want to," he spoke nestled into your neck just under your ear, "Please tell me to stay." Your heart broke at his words, "If I ask you to stay, I'm selfish, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision. If I tell you to go, your dreams come true… " your voice trailed off,  "and I'll always wonder if I made the right decision," he finished. 

Your phone started ringing and you knew time was up. It was Joon, "I'm outside, sorry, I held them off as long as I could. I told them I'd come get him so you could at least have time to say goodbye." Your tears fell out in heavy ugly sobs, "Okay, five minutes… and Joon… thanks, I know you're probably in trouble too." Hanging up you turned back, Jungkook was already out of bed with his clothes thrown on. He stood with open arms waiting, 

 "Thank you for yesterday." Laying your head against his chest you took a moment to listen to his heartbeat. You could hear him sniffle, and knew he was crying. You flashed back remembering that night long ago when he came to you homesick, holding you so he could sleep while he tried to hide his tears. There was a knock at the door and

Namjoon's voice broke through the moment "We've got to go Jungkook." Stepping away you'd left his shirt soaked in tears, handing him his sweater he pushed it back towards you, "keep it." He kissed you one last time and turned the handle opening it to reveal Namjoon. His Hyung put his arm around his shoulder and led him to the car.

Turning one more time he eyes were filled with tears and he gave a small wave before getting in the back of the big black sedan. 

For months you pretended that management was the only thing keeping you apart. You held onto your silly notions until May, they were coming for the Billboard awards. For weeks leading up to them you waited for a message, a secret meeting arrangement, but you got nothing. His image was all over the TV and his voice echoed through you empty heart and then he was gone again. 

Now, here you stood in your kitchen, his letter bringing him to the forefront of your mind,  opening old wounds. He was just as sad as you but what could you do? Picking up a pen you began writing… 

I shouldn't have done it but I read it in your letter

You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better

I wanted to reach out but I never said a thing

You don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

And honey, you don't ever have to act cooler than you think you should

You're brighter than the brightest stars

You're scared to win, scared to lose

I've heard the war was over if you really choose

The one in and around you

You hate the heat, you got the blues

You're changing like the weather, oh, that's so like you

I'll pick you up

I'll catch you on the flipside

If you come back to California

We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever, how far

We'll hit up all the old places

We'll have a party, we can dance till dawn… 

October came and a chill was in the air, the smell of winter hit your nose and you stopped to take it in. Bundled in Jungkook's hoodie you threw your bag over your shoulder and began your walk to work. Movement had hired you on for a new intensive program and today you were going to meet your students. So many memories flooded your mind as you made your way through the familiar neighborhood. It still hurt but things were beginning to feel happy again. Writing the letter had given you closure, he knew how you felt and beyond that there was nothing else you could do. Opening the heavy door to the studio you caught a familiar reflection moving in the mirror writing something on the glass, It couldn't be? Hearing the door click back into place he turned to face you, "Hi." he walked towards you slowly, unsure of what your reaction would be, he approached with caution. "Hi," you were breathless, in the months of not seeing him he'd grown more handsome. "I can't change what happened… and for the rest of my life I'll be sorry for all of the time we missed." He was getting closer,  "But I can't take another day not knowing if I can fix this… somehow…" he reached for your hand. Pulling it back away his head fell in disappointment, "Jungkook, I can't listen to this… look at me," reaching for his chin you pulled his head up until he was facing you again. "I refuse to listen to you apologize for something that was out of your control. Your life was decided before you met me and I can only be grateful that I got to appear in some part of your story" he tilted his head and pressed a small kiss into the hand that was still holding his chin. "God I've missed you" he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist. "How long are you here? I've got to teach class.. It's my first day but I'd love it if we could catch up?" He laughed at you and your knees buckled at the sound of his happiness. Taking his chance he pressed his lips to yours and you could feel the smile forming on his face. "I'm your private lesson Jagi, I've booked you for the next two weeks" Taking a step back you had to ask, "How Jungkook? What will you be giving up?" Pulling you back to his embrace he began to dance with you, "There is no more giving up… on anything. Our contracts were over and I only had one thing I wouldn't negotiate on…that's you." 

Holding you tightly he moved you to look at the mirror,  'I wrote you something"

The only thing I can do

In the garden

In this world

Is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you

And to breathe as the me that you know

But I still want you

I still want you

"Y/N I promise I'll never let you go again" 

[aloneandunreal]

may 1st, 2022

"'cause you're just a man, it's just what you do"

a lyric from lana del rey's song "norman fucking rockwell" that i could relate to in a way, at least with the situation i've been in lately. it's not even really a situation, just me being dramatic, but what's new. i haven't posted on here in awhile, actually, and there is a surprising amount of updates. but i don't think i'll get into it. at least not entirely. long story short, things have been good lately. it's spring semester, finals are coming up. a bit nervous for that, and just the fact that my freshman year is... well, about to be over. that's a bit weird to think. but anyway, back to lana del rey and me being somewhat poetic (jokes). i have a crush on this guy, yes, i know, crazy. i haven't had a crush on anyone in years, so it's weird having one. on one hand, it's nice. just to have someone to think about and (secretly) think up scenarios of being together. and just the excitement (and nervousness) of seeing him. but on the other hand, it's disappointing, to be frank. men are disappointing, and i'm saying that in a "everyone knows this" type of way. they are. they just don't have the same emotional depth as women, they hardly ever think. they're not very thoughtful. i know this is stereotyping, but at least with guys my age, it's true. and it's not necessarily a negative thing, it's just something they don't realize. and the guy i like is, well, sort of like this. he's just oblivious i think. i don't think he knows i like him like that, which is both a good and bad thing. good, because all my life, crushes have been something that you've kept a secret and not pursued unless you were pursued first. bad, because then he doesn't know i'm interested. not that he would even be interested in me in the first place, but yanno. a girl can wish.

there have been some signs of him being interested in me, but then i have to remember he's just... a man. he doesn't think so deeply into gestures as i -- and many other women -- do. these "gestures" i've been reading into probably mean nothing to him, but everything to me. it's unfortunate. but maybe, just maybe, he does know what he's doing. maybe there is a lick of interest there. but i'm going to try not to get my hopes up. which i've already failed, so i'm not sure why i'm saying that. i still read into basically everything he does. but, my friends tell me that some of the stuff he does definitely shows interest. BUT, my friends are also women. and we all look too deeply into everything. i need to be more chill and nonchalant with my crushes, but it's hard. i just want someone to show genuine interest in me. which is impossible, i guess. i don't think anyone could ever really love me romantically, find me pretty, you know. but anyway, enough about insecurity. i talk about that too much.

this guy... he's just... complicated, but also not really. he's so UNcomplicated, that he's started to confuse me. if that makes sense (it doesn't). i've considered -- many times -- whether i should give up or not. i'm not the type to be very outward and obvious with my interest (at least i don't think so) and i don't plan on telling him i like him anytime soon. he's an odd character, and every time i see him i always learn something new, and it's usually something odd. as i said, he's a character. i won't go into it, though -- his weird, random interests -- just the way he is. he's an awkward guy. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, i'm awkward too, but he's different. this makes it hard to express my interest, because he doesn't seem like a "regular" type of guy. i can't just tell him i like him straight-up, that would be entirely too forward and i feel that it would scare him and i'd be embarrass. and i would have to face him for the entirety of the next year -- we are in the same club. and i work there, too. yikes. so i'm not doing that, unless he makes it obvious he is interested in me. i know this sounds so middle school, but i can't help it. it's just my thought process at the moment.

he's also a huge flake (i know this because he always will agree to hanging out with people, and then say never mind, and that he "has too much work") and doesn't seem very reliable. which isn't great, if i want to hang out with him someday. because he'll just cancel on me, probably. and i don't want to beg for his attention, i want him to give that to me on his own free-will. that probably won't happen.

some of my friends don't really understand what i see in him, and i can't lie, i'm starting to agree a little. i mean, he's cute. i think he's kinda cool, but dorky. pretty good music taste when he wants to listen to anything other than metal. he's usually nice to talk to. good fashion taste. but then there's the cons: dorky, flaky, kind of an airhead sometimes, and said something to me once that was kind of disrespectful. but i tell myself he didn't mean it like that... and that, well, he's just a man. that's what they do. they don't always think very hard about the things they say.

his friends are another thing. nothing bad about them in particular, it's just that they sort of intimidate me. not because they're cool or anything, but just because i don't know how i'd fit in or if they'd like me. i wouldn't want to be apart of his group, really. but they intimidate me for whatever reason, despite all being dorks (not that that's a bad thing). he has this one friend, who is a girl, that i've talked to. she's nice, albeit a bit awkward and, well, dorky. we talked about a musician we liked and had in common. she's pretty, and although i don't think the guy i like is interested in her, i still am intimidated by that. i wish i could look like a normal girl and be comfortable with myself. she seems so comfortable in her interests and who she is as a person. i don't. i question my every move, and it still ends up looking awkward, whatever i do. i look uncomfortable in what i wear. how i do my makeup. i just care so much about how i'm perceived. i want to be cool, that's how i wish i could be perceived. but i'm not, and i know that. i'm just known as a quiet girl. and that's what he said to me, the guy i like. the disrespectful thing i mentioned in the paragraph above.

the club i work at was doing interviews to take over people's positions on the executive board we have. i didn't plan to interview, knowing i wouldn't get a position, and honestly not being very interested. but after finding out most people were doing it, i decided to too, just to see. and the guy i like was going for the same position as me. but i got it. i still am not entirely sure why, probably because i'm a freshman and won't be leaving for awhile, which makes me insecure. i hope that's not the only reason why they hired me. but anyway, i told him when we went out to dinner with a few other people. he said congratz, and kept asking me what type of questions they asked me at the interview. grilling me about it. i told him what i could remember, and then i said "i'm not really sure why i got the position." which was stupid, because it let him have leeway into saying something rude. he said, "well, you probably got the position because you're quiet and easy to boss around."

i went off on him a bit, and everyone at the table did, too. he apologized profusely. i said it was okay, but that you just don't say that sort of stuff to people. i'm over it now, but it still makes me think. is that how i'm perceived? some quiet girl who can't speak up for herself? who can be stepped over? who is boring? i mean, that's not necessarily incorrect... but still. i wish i could be known for more than being quiet (or forgotten entirely). i want to be known as the cool girl, and i'm so obsessed with being seen as that. i want to change myself to fit what i consider "cool." but anyway, that definitely stung -- what he said -- the more i thought about it. that's how he sees me, i guess. this was awhile ago, and maybe his perception of me has changed as we've gotten to know each other a bit better, but... well. i don't know. and i hate that. that's the thing, he's so hard to read. i wish i knew what he thought of me, but maybe i don't. i got a peak into his mind -- what he thinks of me -- when he said that. so maybe i don't want to see how else he views and thinks of me. i hope it's changed. i want to be seen as a person with interests, not a quiet girl who can be stepped over. and i think he learned that, in a way, when i called him out. so fuck him for that, honestly. he deserved us yelling at him. and i hate the fact i felt bad about yelling at him afterwards. HE DESERVED IT. he did. he needed to be told off. but i still felt bad, because i can be a people-pleaser. and on top of that, i like him. i want him to like me. but i'm still proud that i said something. i wouldn't have done that five years ago. maybe not even three years ago, if we're being real.

anyway, the semester is about to end. summer break. i won't see or talk to him until the fall. which is okay, and expected. but i'll probably think about him over the summer, and he won't think of me. nobody will. stupid, stupid. but what's new with me. i don't even know if i'll talk with him next year, either. the only reason we really "talk" now is because my show at the club we're at is right after his. other than that, well...

so that makes me a little sad. but maybe things will be different, who knows. i really like him, honestly. he's all i've been thinking about lately and it's kind of fucking me up, i'm not going to lie. it's distracting. i just want him to like me, which is why i read into every little thing he does, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it means something. anything. it sucks that i'm getting so worked up over this crush of mine, he's just some guy. but i can't help it.

i'm going to try to take things less seriously with him. it's not the end of the world if he doesn't like me, there are so many other people out there. but i still like him, despite that, because he's in the club i'm in. he's easy access. he's right there for me. our shows being put next to each other must have meant something, like it was fate or something. that sounds stupid, so let's pretend i don't really believe that.

the more i think about being in a relationship with him -- or anyone, for that matter -- i'm not so sure how to feel. relationships seem great in retrospect. but the more i think about it, really think about it, when "the chase" is over... well, it doesn't seem as fun anymore. i romanticize relationships and people in my head so much that when i actually get the chance to be in one, or when i have a crush, i'm disappointed. and that's exactly it: i'm disappointed. men are disappointing. not always, but usually. sometimes the guy i like will do something good, something that makes me smile when i think about it, and so it'll be utterly disappointing the next time i see him and he says nothing, or says something dumb, or our conversation leads nowhere. but maybe i just expect too much from him. he's just a man, what more did i expect?

to end this, i just want to be loved. i want to feel loved. or, to put it less dramatically, liked romantically. by him, or really anyone i like for that matter. but why do i long so much for a relationship when they don't seem so great the harder i think about it? i don't know the answer.

"as my ugly mouth kept runnin': love me, love me" - boyish, japanese breakfast