#I literally have to beg my uterus to let this one be peaceful and it never works

[valewritessss]

In honor of my period coming two fucking days early, here’s a menstruation based pjo question.

Who do we think has the worst cramps vs who do we think is one of those lucky ducks who have minimal bleeding and little to no cramps?

[myhockeyworld87]

Choices - Tyler Seguin/Jamie Benn - Part 5

Word Count: 2086

POV: Starts with Tyler/Ends with Reader

Warnings: Talk to miscarriage, language

Notes: Ok here is the next installment with the choice that you guys picked. You have 48 hours to vote (Friday at 3pm). For all the US readers, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the Black Friday shopping! Peace, Love and Hugs all!

TYLER’S POV

 As you waited patiently for (Y/N) to answer your questions, your mind began to wander. You could picture it clearly, a tiny little girl. She’d have your soft brunette curls atop her head, but (Y/N)’s eyes and nose; and definitely (Y/N)’s smile. Your little girl would be just over a year-old right now. Part of you realized you missed a lot of firsts, the first time she rolled over, her first steps, her first words; vaguely, you wondered if she could say daddy, if not, it would be something you could teach her. Spoiling her rotten would be high on your list of things to do. She was going to be your little princess, and there was nothing in this world she couldn’t have.

 Then again, it could be a little boy. He’d have your devilish grin; but (Y/N)’s amazingly sweet personality. He’d probably love the dogs; they’d be his best friends. You could already see him, waddling after Gerry outside; the two of them playing in a mud puddle. You couldn’t wait to teach him how to skate, a little hockey stick in his hand, as he toddled around the living room. No matter if it was a boy or a girl you’d love them with all your heart. This was a life that you and (Y/N) created together, and you couldn’t wait to start being a family.

 (Y/N) still had a blank stare in her eyes. Of course you were somewhat upset that she hadn’t told you about the baby; but you weren’t going to blame her. What mattered now, was that you were here, and so were she and the baby; and now you could all be a family. Though you knew Jamie would be hurt, by (Y/N) being with you; he’d eventually move on and find someone else, who he could start a family with.

 All this waiting was getting to you. You had to know more about your child. “(Y/N), where’s the baby? Can we go see them now?”

 Jamie squeezed her hand, which you found odd. (Y/N) opened her mouth, yet no words came out. Finally after a few attempts, she said; “Tyler, I lost the baby.” What did she mean by that? Like she didn’t know where the baby was. You assumed your face must have given you away for the next thing that came out of her mouth was. “I had a miscarriage.”

 The reality of her words hit you like a ton of bricks. All those dreams and images that were in your mind, were just wiped away. It was like being blindsided and slammed into the boards so hard, that you weren’t sure you were going to get up from the hit. Physically you staggered back a bit before saying. “When? How? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 “I did tell you.” Had she, you didn’t remember; but after that night you hadn’t taken a pain pill or had a drink until you spoke to her. “You called me…like what a hundred times? When I finally answered; I told you then.”

 You tried to get your mind to focus on that first conversation with (Y/N). It was somewhat hazy, but you remember her saying ‘I lost it’ several times. “Wait…is that what you were trying to tell me when you said ‘I lost it?’” Tears were streaming down her face now, she must be recalling that day. “I thought you meant lost it when you saw the video and the photo. I never thought that you meant you lost the baby, because I didn’t remember you telling me about it.” God, you had been so obliterated that night. “Jesus…no wonder you hate me.”

 “Tyler, I don’t hate you.”

 This was too much, you couldn’t take it. The high of thinking you had a baby with (Y/N); had just been crushed by the knowledge that you were the one to make (Y/N) lose your baby. “Fuck, I hate myself right now. How can you not?” The pain you were experiencing right now was making it hard to breathe. You had to get out of here. Stumbling out of the room, you ran as soon as you could find the front door; slightly aware of a voice calling your name.

  READER’S POV

 The hurt in Tyler’s eyes, mirrored your own. When you told him that you had a miscarriage; it was like reliving it all over again. It hadn’t happened immediately, it was well after you saw the photos of Tyler. The next afternoon, you’d been an emotional train wreck, crying at the drop of a hat. Part of you didn’t want to believe it was true, but then you’d look at the post again and you couldn’t escape the reality of it. Finally, you’d thrown your phone across the room; angry at the object that brought you such despair. It was in that moment that the pain hit. You doubled over with cramping so bad you fell to the ground. That’s when you saw the blood, it seemed to be everywhere, and you had no idea what to do. Slowly, you crawled over to where your phone had landed and called for an ambulance. Once you were in the emergency room, they brought over the ultra-sound machine and were unable to find the heartbeat. Though you’d been crying the whole time, the flood gates opened when the doctor confirmed you’d lost the baby.

 When the bleeding wouldn’t subside, they took you into surgery for a DNC. The whole thing felt so cold and robotic. This was your baby and they were literally scraping the remains out of you. You remember calling your friend Jenna afterward; you hadn’t told your parents yet and didn’t want them to know after what had happened with Tyler. Jenna had stayed with you the whole time, holding your hand, hugging you and just letting you cry for hours on end. You immediately blamed yourself, even when the doctor told you it wasn’t your fault; for how could it not be when you were so upset, that you’d literally forgotten about your child and now you were paying the consequences.

 Eventually Jenna convinced you to answer Tyler’s phone call and at least let him know what happened to the baby. He’d begged you to forgive him, before you could even say a word. You’d told him to ‘stop,’ that you didn’t want to hear it. Then you repeated over and over again, that you’d lost it. Now that you knew the truth and he never even knew you were pregnant; you can see how he didn’t understand. In your anger, both with yourself and him; you’d told him to go to hell. There was too much grief then to think clearly. Now you knew, that it was neither your fault nor Tyler’s. You’d come to terms that your miscarriage was out of your hands.

 You could see the emotions playing across Tyler’s face. There was joy at first, in the knowledge you two had a baby. Quickly replaced by hurt and sadness, when he found out the baby had died. Lastly there was the guilt, that overwhelming emotion that sent you spiraling out of control, was now taking over him. You didn’t hate him; you’d been long past that. When he staggered out of the room, every instinct in you wanted to follow him; and so you tried, only to be stopped by Jamie’s hand, which you totally forgot you’d been holding. It only registered in your brain when you found yourself calling out Tyler’s name. Absentmindedly you looked at Jamie, no words came out of your mouth; yet you heard him say, “Go, you both need this.” With one last squeeze of your hand, he let you go after Tyler.

 As soon as you were out of the bedroom you ran through the front door, thinking Tyler would be there; he wasn’t. You saw his figure running down the street. “Tyler!” He kept going, all the way to the end of the street, where he took a right. Where the hell was he headed? You ran down the street after him; yelling once more, “Tyler!” Finally, you reached the end of the street, he was close to the quaint bridge you and Jamie would walk across. Lungs burning with your effort to catch him, you tried one last time. “Ty! Stop! Please!” You’re not sure what made him stop, the pleading sound in your voice or the fact that you called him Ty. He turned then and saw you coming; so, you slowed your pace.

 By the time you reached him, your breathing was labored and so was his. “Why did you follow me?”

 “Ty, you shouldn’t be alone right now.” You sucked in a huge gulp of air, while looking at him. The guilt he was going through was written all over him. “It’s not your fault.”

 “How the fuck can you say that? Of course, it’s my fault. If I hadn’t been so fucking stupid that night, we’d have our child here right now.” Tears were rolling down both of your faces. “I caused you to lose our baby! Can’t you see that?”

 He turned away from you and you grabbed his hand to stop him. “Ty, stop! Just stop it right now. This isn’t your fault.” It felt like the tenth time that you said that to him, but it was the truth. “It wasn’t mine either. These things happen. It wasn’t until later that I found out why.”

 “If you hadn’t seen that video or those photos; you’d never have been upset. If I hadn’t taken those pills.” He began to sob. It was like he hadn’t heard a word you said.

 Without thinking you wrapped your arms around him hugging him as tightly as you could. “I know Ty. I know.” You cried with him; for how long, you didn’t know. Finally, you started to tell him what had happened. “I wish things were different. I blamed myself at first; thinking that if I’d put the baby first, instead of myself things would’ve been different. When I was finally able to talk to the doctor without being distraught, he told me what happened.”

 He pulled back from your embrace slightly, though still had his arms around you. “What do you mean? What happened (Y/N)?”

 “When he went in to do the DNC.” He looked at you not understanding the term. It was difficult enough to think about, let alone try and describe to someone; but you took a deep breath and tried. “That’s a surgical procedure they do, to…take the remains of the baby out.” More tears flooded both your eyes. It wasn’t an experience you wanted to relive. “Anyhow.” You let out a deep sigh. “While they were doing the procedure, they noticed my uterus was an abnormal shape. Apparently, that’s what caused me to miscarry. A few months later, I went in and had surgery to fix it; so, hopefully my next pregnancy won’t result the same way.” He was still looking at you, as if he was the reason this all happened. “Tyler, don’t you see. I more than likely I would’ve lost the baby anyhow. It was just bad timing.”

 His hand moved to your face, wiping away the tears that you’d shed. You did the same for him. “I’m so sorry baby. You had to go through this whole thing alone. You shouldn’t have been alone. I should’ve been there.” You leaned your head into the palm of his hand, even through all your anger; you’d still wanted him to be by your side, when it all happened. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” A fat drop of rain hit your face, and soon the sky opened up pouring down on the two of you. It was washing away all your sins of the past; and now the two of you could finally breathe again. It was giving you a fresh start. His eyes locked with yours, and all the love you’d shared came flooding back. He leaned closer to you; lips parted as he had so many times before.

 Time to choose. There aren’t many options here but still this choice could be pivotal.

 A)     Let Tyler kiss you.

B)      Stop Tyler before he kisses you, you’re in love with Jamie.

C)      Tell Tyler you can’t do this at the moment, your emotions are all over the place. You love Jamie, but at the same time you still love Tyler.

[birth-fic-lover]

Not so peaceful, with no yoga birth

This is a follow up to “Peaceful yoga birth”

After having such a good pregnancy with my first child Luka I decided to have another, though I find this pregnancy more difficult. I seem to be bigger then before, and my body doesn’t seem to be taking the changes as well as it did last time. But my body is 4 years older I suppose. 

Luka is inquisitive child, he doesn’t seem to be able to sit still for long. I thought I would be able to fit in my child with my lifestyle, but he doesn’t like early morning runs or yoga. So I quickly had to give them up, as I couldn’t exactly leave him behind while I did a 10k run. 

I couldn’t find much he would eat that was organic, and it found I didn’t have time to look for toddler toys made from environmentally friendly materials. I had to sell my yoga retreat company, as I simply didn’t have time to run it in between my son’s meltdowns.

Being pregnant this second time was so different then the first, not just because I feel heavier. I just don’t seem to be able to communicate with my little one as well as I did when I was carrying Luka. All the kicks just feel random, I think it might be twins. I’m so big and the baby feels so active, but my doctor say’s it’s just one.

It’s a lazy Sunday morning for me and Luka, we both sleep until Luka wakes up. Then he wakes me up and wants to play like usual, “Mamma I wanna feel the baby”.

I put his hands where they last kicked, as I lie there I feeling sore and uncomfortable. But that is no different then any other day of this pregnancy, being so big and heavy is definitely taking it’s toll on my body. I seem to take the phrase heavily pregnant literally, I am due any day now and can’t wait to meet my second child.

“Mamma can we go out for breakfast?” my son asked looking up at me.

“No little man, I want to stay close to the forest in case I need to go there to give birth” I explain. I am hoping to recreate my previous birth in the stream, it was so beautiful there.

“Please mamma please, I want one more time just you and me, before the baby comes too” he begs. I look down at my sweet 4 year old, I sigh. As a compromise I promise to make him a special breakfast at home. 

Before I know it I’m in the cooking the pancakes he loves, stroking my protruding abdomen. He is swinging his legs merrily at the dining table, humming a tune to himself.

As I serve up, I find myself subconsciously adjusting my dress. I grew out of all my maternity clothes this month, and I haven’t had a chance to replace them. I try to cover myself up as much as I can, my dress is straining over my belly and engorged breasts.

I start to feel twinges within me, but I try and rub them away. I present the pancakes to Luka and he gives me a grin. I am so glad I am able to make him happy. I feel another set of cramps around my abdomen as we chat while are tucking into our food, “are you excited to be a big brother? I sense that today may be the day, so after breakfast we are going to go to the forest.”

Luka doesn’t look impressed “I don’t want to go to the forest and have the baby today, can’t the baby come tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, maybe the baby will come tomorrow or today or another day. It will come when they are ready. But I would like to go to the forest either way” I say trying to relax. Unlike my previous pregnancy, there has been no nature's little practice contractions. So these twinges make me think they are going to turn into full contractions.

When he finishes his I let him have some of my breakfast, but I don’t have much of an apatite with the occasional twinges within me. But I try not to let it show, my baby starts kicking hard as another cramp takes over. “Oh, hoo hoo, ohhh” I moan as the baby squirms and kicks inside me. I support the underside of my belly and rub in large circles. There isn’t much room between me and the table, the lack of space doesn’t help. I am barely able to reach fully around my stomach it is so big.

“Mamma what happened” asked Luka looking worried and confused.

“Your little sister or brother is just getting excited, they obviously want to join us and be born soon”. 

Luka seemed satisfied with that and continued eating, I kept getting cramps. But it was easy to ignore them, I desperately want to focus on getting out to the forest. But just as I am about to get up to clear the table, I moan a deep long moan. “Nnnnaaaggggggg hoo hooo” I seized my suddenly tight belly with both hands, my abdomen felt rock hard. This wasn’t like the little ones I had been having during while we ate, this was a full on contraction.

I decided to forget about clearing up. “Come on Luka” I say and he takes my hand like a good boy. I just need to think about that stream in the middle of the forest, it’s just a short walk away. “Nnnnnaaaaaa uuggghh ooooooooo”, unexpectedly I was hit with another contraction rippling through me fast. “Please baby, not now” I beg, this can’t happen here.

“Can the baby hear you?” Luka asked.

Before I can answer him, the contraction forces me into a low squat. “Hooooo ooooooo nooooo baby pleeese wait”. I needed to start walking before the contractions grow worse. But as my womb seized me again I know the stream is to far away. I won't be able to walk that far now, I don’t want to end up giving birth between my house and the stream.

“Mamma is the baby being naughty, I don’t like the baby because it’s hurting you” Luka said before starting to sob.

“Please don’t cry little man, you were just as impatient when you were born.”

“No I wasn’t” Luka insisted wiping his tears “I’m a good boy” and he starts to smile.

“Trust me you couldn’t wait too meet me when you were being born. I will be okay soon, but I am going to need you to be a brave boy and help me bring your little brother or sister into the world” I say trying to reassure him.

“Mamma how am I going to do that” asked Luka looking curious. 

Another contraction hit and I moaned not ready for the intensity “ooowwwwww owwwww uuugggghhh”. Luka looked so scared, I knew he had never seen his mamma cry. To him she was the grown up that never cried, but now he had to be brave for mama. I gave his little hand a squeeze to reassure him.

This baby really wasn’t waiting, I let a contraction pass and needed to decided where I was going to give birth. I decided the bathroom was best as I could still have a water birth and it was easy to clean after. But I knew I couldn’t manage the stairs, the downstairs toilet would have to do.

Once in the downstairs toilet, I was feeling another contraction on it’s way I start my deep breathing “huff huff huuuuuuuff huff huff huuuuuuuuuuuff”.

This seemed to cheer Luka up “mamma you sound funny” he then starts doing it with me. We both are in a fit of giggles after a couple of minutes, I truly love my little boy.

A strong contraction brings me back to the task at hand, I need to get lower on all fours. Again I tried to breath though the pain while Luka joined in “huff hufff  hoooooo hooooo oh ohh ooohhhhhh”. I feel it getting to much, I pick one of my hands up off the ground and try and sooth the pain away by stoking. But it’s not like when my baby kicks, contractions can’t be soothed away.

Maybe if I sit on the toilet and widen my legs, it will help move things along. I start crawling towards the toilet, Luka sits on the floor watching me. I push myself up on the toilet seat, I feel a contraction squeeze my insides as I push hard using my hands against the cold plastic of the toilet seat to get up and on the toilet. 

Now I spread my legs and feel slightly better but not much, even though I don’t feel the urge to push I try anyway. It doesn’t do anything, so I check how dilated I am. As I inset my fingers, I feel something shift inside me and a second later I feel a pop and my waters brake over my hand. I am shocked, but try not to make a fuss as I don’t want to worry Luka even more. I realise I had been feeling a lot of pressure building within me, so the release of the pressure felt soothing. 

I knew that the baby had shifted down into my pelvis, my bump felt lower and sightly deflated. “Mamma did you just pee?” my son asked being as inquisitive as always.

I decided to just tell he as I need to give him an answer anyway, “Mamma’s water broke, which it the baby’s way of saying today is the day that we get to meet them. It means you are going to be a big brother. Can you help me and your little brother or sister by being a brave boy for mamma?"

Then a wave of pain hit me hard making me gasp at the strength of it, I should be used to contractions as I have done this before but they still take me by surprise. 

Though my panties are soaked with amniotic fluid I decided to leave her them on, I do not want to expose myself to my young child until i have to. I know I haven’t got much time until I’ll start pushing, I feel myself breathing heavily trying to stay calm. I wish I was by the bank of the stream I had birthed Luka in, I wish I had kept up the yoga so could stretch better.

A giant contraction hits me and I know my labour has moved up a get, i forget the deep breathing and moan it out. “Nnnnggggggaaaahhh hoooooooo”, I wish I could just push it out.

“Mamma, what just happened?” asked Luka looking scared.

But before I can answer another contraction quickly follows “Aaaaggggghhhhh, noooo ” I howled as my cramping uterus punishes me, I know it’s happening like this because I just said I wanted it to progress. I grab onto the toilet roll holder, and it breaks in my hand I pull it so hard.

I force my legs wide trying to make room to encourage the baby to move down, "nnnnnnnaaaaaaahhhaaaa hoooo hoooooo”. The contractions are so strong, I am too sore to do my breathing”. The contractions are getting longer, I needed to lie down. 

Terrified my daring boy asked, “What can I do to help mamma?” He is such a little gentleman.

I wish I could give birth in bed, but I can’t risk climbing the stairs in this state. Plus I’m in not able to make sure Luka is safe on the stairs while in this much pain. I know the sofa will have to do 

“Help mommy get to the sofa little man,” I say not feeling another contraction brewing, I plan to seize the moment. I decided walking on my knees might be my best shot, so I gingerly side off the toilet onto my knees.

Little Luka took my hand in his and walked with me, he was my little guide dog as I was blinded by pain. He was very good, he would stop when I had to stop to ride out a contraction. He even gave me encouragement “mamma we are almost half way, mamma we are nearly there, almost there mamma, mamma we did it” then he gave me a hi-five. I smiled at he sweet little proud face, we really are a team.

The sofa was right in front of me now, so carefully I climbed up onto it. I hold onto the arm on the sofa, before manoeuvring myself onto the sofa cushions.

I wrap my arms around my throbbing contracting womb, it felt so full and heavy. As I try and get comfortable a strong contraction hits me “hooooooo ooooooo aaaaaaahhhhh”  I feel my baby entering my birth canal.

Last time I forgot to bring a mirror with me, but this time I remembered to pack one in my birthing bag. I decide it is best to have not just the mirror, but the whole bag within reach.

“Luka honey can you go get mamma’s birthing bag? It’s by the front door” I say between contractions. He runs off and I see him return dragging it behind him. “Hoooooooo ooooooo you little starrrrrr”. 

I decided to take off my amniotic fluid soaked panties, it’s painful to take them off but eventually I manage. I then grab the mirror out of of my bag and put it between my legs, I can see the baby it still yet to crown. But to be fair since I haven’t started pushing, I’d be shocked if I could see his head”.

I then also decide to take of my dress as it’s restricting me, it’s painful and awkward. My son watches and I don’t know what to say to him. I never wanted him to see me like this, at least by the stream it all could of been more calm and planned. Plus the water would of protected my modesty a bit more.  I see his stare at his mother’s breasts, they had become large and filled with milk. I decided not to say anything as he isn’t saying anything either.

I focus on getting ready to birth my baby, after a massive contraction I finally feel the urge to push. I am so glad that the baby finally wants to vacate my womb. I lie back, and bring my knees as close to me as I can. I feel the baby making it’s way through me, it seemed now it’s decided to come, it wants to get out now. 

I bare down for as long as I can so glad for my progress, “hooo hoooo hoooooooo” I moan and pant at once. It seemed like there was no break now between contractions, so she just kept pushing. The head is like a battering ram against my vagina, I am shocked it is there already.

The head caused my vagina to open effortlessly without help, I am shocked. I watch in the mirror as the gap looks like a teardrop, then rounds out and grows into a much larger circle until I was fully crowning.  It seems just like when I birth Luka, my body is opening itself a lot faster than I have thought it would. I am in complete agony, like I am going to break. I feel the head is right between my legs as I was forced open, wider and wider.  

“Mamma is that the baby?” Luka asked seeing the head was fully out.

“Mmmmhhhmmmm yep hoooooo there coming nooooowww eeeee” I answer mid contraction.

So I try and make my legs as wide as possible, I am surprised the baby is sliding out of me so fast as the doctor said it would be large due to the size the baby made my belly and the speed it grew. I see the head sticking out of me.

It was progressing too fast, I worry the baby’s shoulder will rip me if I don’t take my time. I stopped actively pushing during the contraction, but I felt the baby was still coming. The pain and urge was too great not to push.

The shoulders next, I tried to hold the head but I struggled to keep my legs  wide without the help of my hands. I push hard, my hands continuing to supporting the baby as I feel the shoulders slide out of me along with the rest of my child.

“You did it mamma,” exclaimed Luka

"We did it together” I say smiling at the little on that I bring close to my chest, this wasn’t the birth I had planned but I still got to experience it with my son. I look and see I have a daughter as her cries fill the room, my breasts start to leak in response.

I put the newborn up on my belly in front of my left nipple. she smells her mother’s milk and latched on instantly. It feels good to feed again, Luka comes close. I see him bow his head towards her, then he kisses her softly. I can tell now she’s here he loves her already, “you have a little sister” I whisper.

I feel a my contractions starting up and ride it out, I am surprised how much the placenta feels like another baby. But the doctor said it was only one, saying that she is tiny compared to how big I thought she would be. Also my belly was surprisingly the same size, I wait for 15 minutes letting the contraction build up. Luckily Luka was so engrossed in his new baby sister, he didn’t notice me trying to hide my groans. 

With one hand I support my newborn and the other I use to check down there, I inserted a finger into my extremely sensitive and swollen labiavagina. I freeze not believing this is happening, I feel the unmistakable feel the top of a baby’s head. My vagina was already bulging forward slightly. 

Feeling so tired and sore limp on the sofa, I desperately wanted to have time to recover for the next one. But a sharp contraction told me mother nature had other ideas. “Nooooooo, I need more time,” I cry. I automatically feel myself widen my legs again. 

“Whats happening mama?” Luka said looking up at me “the baby is here now”.

“It seemed I have a surprise for you, it looks like I am having twins.” I say in the most cheery voice I can muster.

“Wow mama, twin girls?”

“Let wait and see” I had to push, I thought about resisting but knew that would take more strength then going with it. This baby was coming whether I was ready or not.  It feels good to open my legs up a bit and I give a little push.

I swear my next contraction was the worse one I had yet, it hurt so much trying to get this other baby out. I was so sore from birthing the other one, I had said I thought it was twins. The doctor was the one who said it was just a big baby, I should of gone with my instincts. 

Preparing for the next contraction, I changed position putting my feet on the ground, I widened my legs making room for the unexpected arrival. I was hit with the same pain, but I was feeling that this position was the best for now.  

I give a little push to further expose my birth canal, it shows the head was passing into my vagina. I continue for a few more contractions, each one only bringing the baby a few millimetres closer. I had to focus on birthing this child out of me quickly, I checked and the mirror shows the baby’s head is now visible.

“Mamma, is the other one coming now?” Luka asks

“Ohhhhhh it’s coming,” I reply between contractions. “Hoooooo hoooo hoooooooooo” I sobbed as the head burrowed deeper out of me.

The contractions were back to being on top of each other now, crying I bore down and push the baby out as much as I could. My opening was now filled with my child’s head was creeping slowly out, the head pushed apart my lips further. I don’t know if this baby’s head is bigger or I’m finding it hard because I just birthed a child. I thought when birthing twins the second one was easier to birth.

A contraction came and I squeezed my belly, trying to get this other child out of me. I peered between my legs and see most of the head still well within me. Suddenly the need to push overwhelmed me, went for it wanting to get this over with. I knew I didn’t want any more children after this surprise. 

“uuuuggggghhhhhh” I moaned not seeing any signs that the head was going to finish coming out, I wanted so bad to force this child out of me but it wasn’t meant to be. Feeling defeated I stopped pushing and rested, the head slid back painfully. I felt defeated, my vagina going from having a bowling ball shape coming out of it to a circle shape outlining the head.

But I couldn't give up, as I feel the urge to push come back again. I follow my urge, pushing using all of my strength. As I pushed I saw the shape growing steadily bigger between my legs until I heard a pop with a gush of liquid.

I saw the head was out and my inflamed opening around the neck. I support the head as I reach between my legs. With a strong contraction I freed the baby from my body. It was finally over as I grab my baby, and put her next to her sister. As I watch them both suck, I can’t believe it. I know now my family is complete. 

[noteventalented]

There's no hood like Motherhood

I always wanted to be a mom. At a very young age I knew it would be my biggest accomplishment and I couldn’t wait for it. I remember during school when the teacher would ask “where do you see yourself in 10-15 years” I wouldn’t instanstantly think “with a family first of all….”

I had just turned 24. I worked at a huge Neurology clinic. I was the medical assistant of an amazing woman Doctor whom I owe a lot of my knowledge to. Anyways, I was one day late but I’m the type of person that has to know what is up with my body at all times. I love doctor visits but that’s beyond the point. So i took a test since we had them for the clinic. I put the test in my pocket because we had hella patients. 10-15 mins later I came back to my desk and saw the biggest surprise of my life! No one ever prepares you for those two lines I swear to god. I couldn't breathe. I believe I cried for two days straight. Let's fast forward..

My pregnancy was amazing, almost perfect. My first appointment was two weeks after I found out and I was 7 weeks pregnant. There I was listening to the most beautiful sound ever, his heartbeat. I remember crying during first trimester begging God for one day of peace (I threw up 4-5x daily for 4 months!!). Last trimester testes you like a mf. Besides that I ate/eat healthy for the most part so I believe that plus excersice were major factors in my pregnancy being so fab. I had a good job at the time so it gave me the opportunity to have a great OB and deliver in a even greater hospital, which were also a plus.

Two days before my due date I went in for my last appointment. I actually already had my induction scheduled for the following week incase I went past due. I had a uterus massage which is as uncomfortable as it sounds. The remaining of the day I felt light cramps as if I was about to get my period. I went home and finished my bag, cleaned my house, took a long shower and took my nails off because I desperately needed a new set. Midnight hit, boyfriend and I laid in bed and played an episode of Jessica Jones. Thinking back I realize I might of jinx us by saying “as long as the baby doesn’t come while we go to bed because I’m sleepy af”. Mind you, I was still getting mild cramping then I noticed they were getting closer and closer. I started timing them with my phone and they were literally 5 mins apart. We still decided we would wait, it was prop nothing. Welp, my water broke about 30 seconds later.

I was as chill as Kourtney Kardashian was when she was having Mason. We arrived to the hospital. You know paperwork, testing, IV got put in and then there was the painful ass epidural (seriously it was the most painful part.. to me). I love needles, blood, medicine so I felt in my zone the whole time. At this point I had done tons and tons of research on childbirth. I kept reminding myself “I’m a woman, we are meant to have children, I got this. I got this”. Fast forward a couple painful hours and three hours of pushing I finally delivered my son. I always replay it in my head to forever remember every single detail. I cried instantly. The room went quiet like in the movies. I was slow motion but the room was racing. I stared at my beautiful baby, every inch, counting his toes and fingers. He was perfect, more than I could of ever imaged. The happiness you feel is unexplainable. You’re complete. After labor, the honeymoon ends. Delivering a placenta is hard work. Picture this, you popped out this baby that’s been in your belly for almost a year. Your organs are all over the place (literally, nurses have to massage your uterus to go back in place. It will make you scream) and you still have to keep pushing to deliver all this extra stuff. No count me out. I was dead. Oh and let’s not talk about how you feel the next day. I felt as if I got run over by a train. I couldn’t walk, sitting was a bitch and every inch of me was sore. Sore as fuck. Thank god for pain meds.

Guess what though? I would do it all over again. I actually consider myself so blessed and lucky. I thank God every single day for giving me my son. A son at that. I always saw myself with a son first. My pregnancy was beautiful. I felt beautiful the whole time. I went half on a child with someone I love dearly. My son changed me, he made me a better person. I wasn’t near decent, I was actually an ugly person on the inside at a point in my life. Someone I take great advice from once told me “ask the universe and you will receive”. I did just that, I prayed for forgiveness and guidance to the right direction. I was always a lost child. The universe gave me my child. Everything makes sense now. Life has never been more clear for me.