#I literally cannot RELAX UGHHHH

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

(btw if this semester for me was to be titled like a YA novel, it would be something like "The Year I Accidentally Became a Stoic and Also Channeled St. Augustine")

[theoriginalladya]

Prompt, In the shower (Need). Any pairing you have the scale itch to write for.

from this list

on AO3 here

Seeing as I forgot to add my Rydenko pair to the list, I went ahead and wrote this one for them!  Hope you enjoy!

~~~

“You are a mess.”

The exclamation comes as Scott and the commander enter the elevator leading to their hotel room on Elysium.  The younger man snorts softly and eyes the commander dubiously in the process.  “Have you looked in the mirror yet?  I think I ended up pretty tame by comparison.”  He gestures to the dark red smear across his left hip and the blue one on his right shoulder compared to the blood smudges and weapons scarring on the other man’s. Alenko spares a quick glance at his own armor, but Scott can see he isn’t buying it.  In all honesty, he doesn’t either, but it is worth a shot.  Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?  Lopsided grin spreading across his face, he quips, “Anyone get the number of that skycab?”

The commander makes a strangled choking sound, exaggerated by the comms in their helmets, as his eyes find Scott’s.  “Let me guess, you moonlight as a stand-up comedian?”

Scott removes his helmet as the commander does the same.  The pure wattage of Scott’s grin is blinding, no doubt reflecting off the elevator walls back into his eyes.  Giving the man a semi-formal half bow with a flourishing sweep of his arm, he replies, “Why thank you, commander!”  He then reaches over for his omni-tool.  “Think I could get you to repeat that into the recording?  Sara might not believe me otherwise.”

“Hah.  No encores, sorry.”

The elevator deposits them on their floor and they enter the room a few minutes later, taking turns stripping down to under armor in the bathroom as they set aside the plates to be cleaned later.  It never fails to amaze Scott just how much ‘damage’ killing a couple of batarians and a turian can do to armor.  

Removing his left thigh plate, Scott groans.  “Oh, ughhhh.”

“Problem?” Alenko calls, his voice somewhat distant.

Scott drops to a knee to wipe up whatever bits of his now-dead opponent’s guts got stuck beneath his armor after that fight and now lie in an oozy mess on the tiled flooring.  Lovely.  Housekeeping’s just going to love me for this. “Only if you take issue with indoctrinated batarian guts.”

A shadow appears in the doorway, brows in a deep V of concern.  They ease a moment later as he takes in the scene before him.  “Ah.”  His gaze drifts over Scott, searching.  Whatever he’s looking for he must find, Scott decides, as he relaxes even more.  Still, he winces at the mess and immediately points to the shower.  “You first.”

Unable to argue the point – the sight is bad enough, but the smell is even worse and it is smeared all over his left thigh and hip – Scott chuckles as he stands up.  Without hesitation, he heads straight in and turns the spray on full blast.  “Suit first, then me, I get it.”  At least the under armor protects from the water temperature until it heats up.  

“Didn’t your father ever teach you not to ‘play’ with your enemy?  Kill it, not wear it.”

It only takes a few seconds to rinse the worst of the last remnants of their wild adventure down the drain. Literally.  Stripping the under armor off, Scott hangs it over the top of the stall door and turns his face into the now steaming water to clean himself. “Must’ve slipped his mind!” he counters in a water-muffled voice while reaching for the soap.  

Alenko snorts, muttering something Scott can’t quite hear, but his guess is it’s something along the lines of, That’s an N7 for you.  

Ripples and waves of heat roll over his shoulders, down his back and chest, and Scott groans in relief more than anything. While he’s wished for more varied opportunities within the Alliance, the one benefit to being stationed on protection duty at a relay is that he never has to worry about the aches and pains that come from battle.  Today’s adventure is a stark reminder that he should be careful what he wishes for.

Out of the corner of his eye he catches movement as his under armor is pulled away, no doubt to be hung up to dry by Alenko.  

Alenko.

A wistful sigh slips past Scott’s lips as he reaches for the shampoo and scrubs it into his hair with vigor.  Now, the things I wish for on that end … heh, I wouldn’t mind if they came true.  

Of course, with their mission nearing an end, it is more or less a moot point.  He’ll go back to his post at Relay 202 while Alenko will go back to … whatever it is he’s been doing since the Normandy was destroyed.  Scott cannot stop a sigh of disappointment from slipping past his lips.

You can’t say you haven’t had opportunity, Scotty boy, a voice in his head points out in an entirely too logical sort of fashion.  Not the commander’s fault you haven’t acted when given the chance.

With his head beneath the water, soap streaming down his face and lower, he mutters, “Yeah, right.”

“What’s that?”

Scott freezes, startled to hear the commander’s voice back in the room.  So startled, in fact, he forgets to close his mouth and chokes when a mixture of soap and hot water slip inside.  Gasping at the taste, he accidentally inhales a bit.  The resultant coughing fit leaves his lungs heaving and aching.  

And then the door to the shower is thrown open …

“You all right?”  

Heat floods Scott’s face as he struggles for air and he honestly tries to nod that he’s just fine, or will be.  But instead, notices his head moves side to side.  Dismay and embarrassment war within him and he releases another gut-wrenching cough in the process.  He blinks a couple of times, finally moving out from beneath the water spray when Alenko tugs him forward a few steps.  The man has a somewhat lopsided yet concerned smile on his lips. “Helps if you don’t breathe the water, Ryder.”

Scott coughs again and manages a nod this time.  “Sure … does,” he rasps.  “Sorry.”

Alenko blinks looking truly surprised for the first time since … well, since they met, as far as Scott remembers.  “Hey, I’m the resident Canadian.  Quit stealing my lines.”  The lopsided smile slides into a smirk.

Snorting softly, Scott takes two things away from the contact between them.  First, up this close, the man has the most luscious looking lips Scott has ever seen, and they are more than enough to leave him just a little breathless. Second, the way Alenko’s voice drops, goes all husky and rumbly, is more than a little bit addictive.  His eyes flick over Scott’s face, dropping slightly, and it takes a minute for full realization to set in, and when it does … Scott’s breath catches softly, eyes widening in shock.  Is he … he’s … he IS!  The other man’s gaze drifts back to Scott’s in the next instant, intense and focused, and there is no air left for to breathe.  

“Scott?”

Opportunity is knocking, Scotty boy, the voice points out.  Desperately gasping in a breath, he tries, “K –.”  

Alenko waits a heartbeat.  Two.  When Scott still can’t manage anything more than that one croak, the man smiles and turns away, retreating.

A soft, strangled whimper escapes past Scott’s lips before he can stop it and, desperate not to lose this chance, he grabs Kaidan by the arms, tugs him back into the shower, and pushes his back against the wall. Heedless of the water or their current state of dress or undress, Scott most definitely moves into Kaidan’s personal space, slanting his lips across Kaidan’s and pouring every ounce of feeling he has into the contact.  

At first, Kaidan doesn’t react, and embarrassment immediately stalks Scott’s heels.  He breaks the kiss, already trying to form words of apology and explanation as takes a step back, but there isn’t even a hair’s breadth of space between them before his world suddenly flips on him and he finds himself pushed back against the wall.

Kaidan has a couple of inches on him, but nothing too severe, and as he leans in to take full charge of the kiss, covering Scott’s lips with heat and fire and stirring up a want unlike anything Scott has ever felt before.  His legs wobble, and in desperation he grasps hold as best he can, one arm wrapping around Kaidan’s right bicep while his other slides around his shoulder.  

The kiss breaks a moment later and Kaidan pulls back, whiskey-colored eyes focused solely on Scott’s face, his chest heaving up and down as much as the younger man’s, a hint of a smile curling on his lips.

Staring at him in complete amazement and wonder, Scott half-pleads, half-stammers, “D-do that again …?”  

[mx-in-words]

Monsta x reacting to their babies being born.

Hi! I would like to request Monsta X reacting to their pregnant S/O getting into labour. I just think they'll be great parents someday - anoun. 

↬ Shownu

a lost bear 

I can see you sitting on the couch with him watching a movie.

then you felt a small cramp, maybe you were hungry? 

you: oh I just ate and I am hungry again. That’s weird.

sh: maybe because you're eating for two?

you: yes mayb- ,,, OH SHIT BABY I THINK I AM GETTING IN LABOUR

sh:  :0 !!!!! OK LET'S GO 

he would be lost but needs to act OMG HIS BABY!! 

HE DRIVES LIKE A CRAZY 

when you both went to your hospital, your doctor was ready waiting for you and shownu. 

will hold your hands all the time. 

calls kihyun to warn everyone else, including his family. 

will cry when seeing your baby in your arms. 

*heart eyes shownu seeing his little baby holds his hands with such small fingers*

sh: I can't believe this is happening, it’s a dream. I love you both. 

will be overprotective about the boys holding his baby ESPECIALLY MINHYUK. 

jh: omg I have a brother/sister 

sh: I am only *your baby's name* dad now jooheon. 

mx: :( we lost our father. 

a sweet with you. will do ANYTHING you ask. 

will freak out about being a good parent.

you: you took care of seven boys, you will do great honey. 

sh: :3 thanks, baby!!! 

soft for his kid I think shownu may explode of love??

↬Wonho 

I am SO SOFT FOR MX HELP

YOU: HOSEOK I WANT THIS BABY OUT!

wh: honey, what can I even do? It was supposed to born a week ago but I guess your belly is better :)

you: ugh I love you but istg 

tried everything

in the middle of the night, you felt something. When you got up, your water purse broke and you called wonho. 

you: HONEY WAKE UP MY WATER BROKE 

WH: O M G 

picked all your things, he had already done your bag. 

called the boys in the way, driving

since you started to push, he was already crying while trying to film the scene. 

we actually sobbed when the baby was out, crying. 

doctor: congratulations on your healthy ( the sex of the baby)

wh: *crying so fucking hard *

will literally die if anyone holds your baby 

like your mom it’s holding the little person and he is like 

wh: okay 3 seconds holding now give it to me

will take so many pictures of you and the baby

literally so worried about you. 

wh: do you want me to kick everyone out of the room so you can rest? do you want to eat something out of the hospital? ANYTHING???

you: baby what no- I am fineee!!!

wh: okay okay

so proud of his family he can’t even breath 

will protect you and the baby of EVERYTHING

↬Minhyuk

already knew the possible date of the delivery, so he stayed with you the whole week.

every five minutes asking you if you feel anything

mh: how about now? anything?

you: no baby, nothing yet *rolling eyes*

mh: just checking love u 

you were eating dinner with him while watching knowing brothers than you felt a little pain. 

when you got up, your water broke and minhyuk started to scream.

mh: I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER LET’S GO Y/N

RUN THE FUCK UP TO THE HOSPITAL

mh calling his mom: MOM MY BABY IS COMING COME TO THE HOSPITAL AND BRING CANDYS 

his mom: OMG OMG OKAY HONEY BUT WHY CANDIES

mh: I need candies in stressful moments mom

you: are you for real right now? I WANT SOME TOO OMMA

will take care of everything for you in the hospital 

holding your hand

that puppy smile 

kiss your forehead before the labour starts

mh: I love you and this is the best moment of my life.

EVERYONE CAN PICK HIS BABY 

101% about you and the baby

you: you look so happy, baby

mh: of course I am, my dream is being a father and having a family with who I love, in the case, you. 

mx: eww 

sh: when did my kid become this man??? 

you: shhh let him enjoy pls

mh: *holding the baby and looking at them with the most lovely expression ever *

↬Kihyun

this boy is so precious ughhhh

packing things for the hospital for mouths 

ACTUALLY MADE A LIST FOR THIS MOMENT

let everything in the car 

buT 

schedule calls him

he was at the end of an interview when you called

you: baby is happening, my mom is riding me to the hospital, I see you there. 

kh: what- I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER HURRY SHOWNU GIVE ME THE KEYS. 

SWEATING LIKE HELL 

he cannot miss this, camera on point. 

found your room and the labour hadn’t started yet

kh: fuck you scared me 

you: yeah I LOVE YOU TOO

kh: OF COURSE I LOVE YOU WE ARE HAVING A BABY omg relax honey how are you? feeling pain? 

calling your family 

will film the whole labour 

cry only when it’s over, hugging the boys.

jh: men you're crying

kh: I just released I am a father now jooheon can u let me?

takes a lot of pictures of you and the baby

ask everyone to not visit you two because you need to rest

anyone cant touch you or the baby if doesn’t wash the hands TWICE 

EVEN HIS MOTHER

sings to the baby when you're tired 

helping you all the time

he stays with you in the hospital until you can leave 

makes sure to tell you how much he loves you and is proud of his family

will say that you look fantastic as a mother and your little belly is sexy

can I buy myself this man? I love him

↬Hyungwon

you are at a dinner with the boys 

everything looks great

then you felt something

it’s pain 

hw: everything okay sugar?

you: hm no...

kh: oh she’s having the baby 

hw: NOW?

you: no,, next week,,, OF COURSE, IS NOW

run to the hospital

he is SHOOK

CAN'T THINK OF IT 

you: honey please move breath blink say something

hw: I GONNA BE A FATHEEER

mx: yeah now he is going to cry

hw: not yet.

only cries when he picks the baby in his arms for the first time 

was only the three of you in the room

hw: thank you for making me so happy y/n. They are so cute look this little legs!!!

you: worth it. 

your baby is so quiet 

stop crying in hyungwon’s arms 

hugs his parents so hard when they visit you both

hw: minhyuk can you be quieter my kid’s brain will explode you're so annoying 

kh: I have to agree 

mh: but he is SO CUTE!!!! 

you: looks like the father :) 

wh: hm no the baby is cute for real 

hw: I hate you all

will put koala’s clothes in the baby and post in twitter for monbebes to see.

treats you like a queen 

so worried about you 

hw: please eat well. Drink water, honey. PLEASE 

such a sweet

a little sad because he knows he won't sleep in some mouths

but so happy that he loves his family more than sleep 

↬Jooheon 

Can’t wait to see the baby

Keep asking you when he will get to see his son.

you: oh idk, do you want to put your head up down here and look inside?

jh: son,,, you’re making your mommy angry you know * pouts*

Literally buys u anything you want.

Prefer to says that he is pregnant too

jh: I having desires for guacamole

you: baby you’re not pregnant, I am.

ck: I am what I am man.

Wjdnjsjdjsnsje SORRY I JUST

kh: please y/n just push out this kid I can’t take this anymore.

you: honestly… I WISH BUT THIS LITTLE SHI- OH

Then your water broke

You felt something was up to

You’re having a baby

jh and mh: YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jooheon, changkyun and minhyuk singing a rap about honey being a father

Something like BABY IN THE WAY JOOHEON AS A DAD THAT’S WHAT I SAY D A D D Y STARTING A FA MI LY

you: goshhh why

At the moment the Labour is about to start, he holds your hand and kisses your forehead

jh: I am so thankful for this moment, I will finally have the two loves of my life right by my side.

You both crying holding the baby.

Would make sure everything looks fine, don’t want you to get worried.

Asks shownu to buy your favourite chocolate just because

kh: y/n is sleeping man, gosh they are so little, how does it feel to have such a small person?

jh: it's my little angel, it feels like a blessed man, I can’t stop smiling LOOK THIS LITTLE FINGERS

Gets so emotional because his kiddo is his life now

jh: look!!!!! * shows you your baby*

you: it’s this a bee costume in our two days old baby????? ARE THOSE NIKES SHOES FOR BABY’S?

jh: lil baby has styyyle

Will watch you and the baby sleeping and think about how he wants to be the best person for you two

Wants to dedicate himself totally for the family from now on

Already planning the Disney trip for the family.

↬Changkyun 

so yeah he’s scared af

but shhhh don’t tell no one

cause he’s cool ;)

was actually on the supermarket to buy you something weird at 3am

what a husband huh

want your favorite chocolate or maybe Arabic food? i’ts okay he gets it.

theemmm you called saying that 

the baby is coming

he FROZE

sweating but trying to keep it down

holds your hand all the time like, literally 

ck: can I cry? omg I am going to be a dad!!!!!!!

you: you didn't even saw the baby yet slow down honey

ck: what if I am suck at parenting?

you: oh you’re gonna be fine, we’re a family and i’ts impossible to not love you, so your baby will love you too.

ck: *smiling incrediable happy and them start crying*

ask shownu some advices

ask jooheon to calm him with crackhead jokes

ask kihyun to help him with BEING AN ADULT

ask hyungwon to... even come bc honestly is he sleeping?

don’t show to you how worried he is

can’t stop looking at your baby and how much he is in love with them.

will keep his eyes on you ALL THE TIME

actually cries in front of you because he wants you to rest 

ck: I can hold the baby y/n pleaaase rest.

you: changkyun I AM BREASTFEEDING slow down

ck: oh okay...

you: Baby, we will do fine. Just relax! I trust you, so trust in me too okay?

ck: yeah you’re right. Do you need anything?

you: yeah, a kiss and a kiss in the baby. 

* changkyun heart cant take it this scene is so cute omg*

he actually helps WITH EVERYTHING

the hospital bills, the baby's clothes and your stuff

dad material 

already checking the bests schools and all the baby's future

How To Be a Liberal Father GOOGLE SEARCH

loves his family with everything he has. 

sooooooo thank you for the request!!! My requests are open!! hope you guys like it <3 

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[earthylight]

green, blue, purple. go.

ohmygoodness that’s so many and I’m so soso appreciative. bless you, anon.

green- what’s your favorite thing to do outside?I really really love just going out and walking. especially when I’m by myself and it’s really quiet. it makes me feel at one with nature and I love it. do you like camping?NO!!!! ohmygod I hate camping so much. not only do I have the biggest irrational phobia of bugs but I’m also a hygiene freak. I’ve been camping ONCE and I LOATHED not being able to shower that often bc the closest shower was like a mile away and it was in a public bathroom and that’s a big no thanks. AND it poured and I was in a tent and it was so hard to sleep bc of rocks and then the tent flooded and also there was a cockroach on my arm. so,,, yeah,,, I’m not a big fan lmao. what would you spend $1,000 on?oh gosh that’s so hard. there’s so many things, but I’d probably have to go with a trip to Europe bc I’ve been planning on going since sixth grade and it’s literally always been my dream to see the world. I just feel like there’s so much to see, and I don’t want to miss out on any of it. what’s your job or what do you want to do as your job?well, I don’t have a job, BUT I’ve always wanted to perform on Broadway or at least perform shows and get paid for it. but I mean before I get there some smaller things I’d like to do would be work at this vegan bakery near me and also a florist shop bc I love flowers and also pastries and coffee. what’s your favorite article of clothing?skfjekkskfjs hmmmm I’d have to say that currently it’s this skirt I just recently got that’s some material that’s really really soft (idk what it’s called) and it’s tan and it buttons up all the way and it goes down almost to my knees and just akfjkskfks I love it sm.

blue-what do you do when you’re sad?I guess it depends on the type of sadness. I think most of the time I let myself feel it for a little bit. I sing/play/listen to songs that describe exactly what I’m feeling, I write everything down or vent to someone I trust, or sometimes I just sit and cry. but when I’m feeling a sadness that I want to go away, I’ll get on tumblr and reblog pretty/positive things, I’ll watch funny things on youtube or netflix, or I’ll talk to a friend about anything and everything. what are some things you do when you can’t sleep?usually I’ll listen to guided sleep meditations bc I find those super helpful for relaxing my body and mind, but if I try that and it doesn’t work at all and I try laying in bed for hours and there’s no hope of me sleeping then I sometimes go take a shower bc showers really calm me down. what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had?ughhhh that’s soso hard,,, uhhhh,,, probably whenever I had a sleepover with my best friend at the time and we stayed up ALL. NIGHT. just talking and then we tried to watch the sunrise but my mom for some reason was awake at 6 am and happened to go outside right as we went onto my balcony which is right above the front door and so she totally called us out for being up all night and we were like whoops. what kind of covers do you have on your bed?oh nooo ewww okay so I’ve had the same comforter since I was like TEN bc I haven’t had a need to get a new one (BUT I’m getting a new one soon and it’s gonna be white with embroidered flowers on it), but anyways my comforter now is the ugliest shade of pink you can imagine with purple stars all over it and on the other side it’s an ugly ass purple with like even bigger stars on it. who was the last person you told a secret to?oof I guess that depends on what counts as a secret???? gosh I don’t even think I have any secrets like there’s nothing that I’d be like NO THIS CANNOT GET OUT EVER, ya know?? I mean,,, there’s this super tiny thing that I’ve only really told like one person so I guess that counts. so the last person I told a secret to was my best friend, Ty.

purple-what’s your astrological sign?aquarius!!!what’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?oh goodness, dude, like,, I’ve received so much good advice, I don’t even remember all of it bc usually after I take that advice to heart and implement it into whatever the situation was that needed advice then I don’t think about it much again??? but the best piece of advice that I’ve gotten that I can remember and has affected me the most recently was that if it’s meant to be it’ll be. my grandma told me a story about how her and my grandpa were super on and off but kept running into each other, but it was like every time they’d get together the timing just wasn’t right bc they both still had growing to do. then they finally got together for the last time and stayed together for 49 years until my grandpa passed away. my grandma told me that there’s no need to worry about my future because it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. when was the last time you followed your instincts?ummmm back innnnnn,,, March/April. I had met someone who I felt there was no way I could not be meant to be with, and my instincts told me to pursue something with them, so I did. sometimes though I tend to not trust my instincts bc I’m scared they’re wrong which is so dumb bc there’s not been a single time in my life when they’ve been wrong. what’s your favorite food?PASTA SALAD!!! ooh or dirty rice mmmannnddd what’s your secret dream?to write something. whether that be a book or a movie or a screenplay. I’ve always had a passion for writing, but as I’ve grown up I’ve started to doubt my talent more and more, and I’ve been focusing more on performing, so I haven’t written anything except for shitty poetry in years.

thank you so much for the ask, anon!!!! I’m so sorry it’s so long lmaoI hope you have a wonderful day/night!! 💕✨

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

���——

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot 2x19 recap

(Aka the Scavenger hunt)

(Aka both Zapata and Shepherd getting arrested and Reade coming back and Patterson being adorable and Jeller ALMOST-KISSING AAAAAHHHHHHHH)

Well, here it is at last. This recap should have been posted a week ago, after already having been delayed by all the fic-writing, but just as it was aaaalmost done, my computer crashed and lost the whole damn thing. So here’s take 2 haha, and I’ll try to get my 2x20 recap up tomorrow, if I’m lucky...

(Warning: extreme flailing ahead)

Well, here’s to the amount of deja vu I’m about to experience lol. And just a note-- I’m gonna speed through the Shepherd scenes bc frankly I don’t care about them in the slightest. And so speaking of which, we're back in Bangkok and Shepherd’s using all the ominous language about how the guy should avoid the western world and blah blah she totally thinks she's so badass, yet she has no idea that the western world-- or specifically, the Weller & Patterson bro-sis combo, is about to Strike Back (;P). And so while she's acting tough and threatening the sellers of the toxic stuff, these two precious little catburglars are stealing all of her ill-gotten money. I love Patterson being about to go into a complex explanation of how, and Weller being all "Don't explain. Just type." haha. Aw, my little partners in crime. And then Patterson succeeds in freezing the account, causing all hell to break loose for Shepherd, bullets flying, her entire little posse getting shot down and she herself barely escaping with her life (though damn, for a middle-aged lady she sure still got some moves)-- and back in the lab, Weller and Patterson are just sitting there like.... 'well that was anticlimactic' hahahaha. Oh, if only you knew how much you had just ruined Shepherd's day lol. You would be as delighted as I am. Also damn she just went all Terminator on this guy, only to get nabbed by the cops which is SO satisfying even though we know she'll get free soon enough. But still, anything that pisses Shepherd off is just fine by me lol

Looollll it's the Right Boob Snake! I assume you guys heard the story from last year's SDCC panel, but in case you didn’t, the gist of it was that this tattoo is Rob's favourite because each tattoo is kept in a separately labelled storage container thing and this one is labelled with 'Right boob snake'. Also I love that we have literally never seen the team use a CG graphic of the tattoos until now, when it's one in a 'private area', which is so cute omg. I wonder if Weller is disappointed or relieved? Knowing what a gentleman he is, probably relieved lol. But anyway, they already know that the snake is the calling-card of a hacker guy, but they could never find him until just now, when he was picked up on facial recognition for the first time. Is it just me or does he kind of look like a less-attractive Henry Cavill? But anyhow they assume that he's going to hack into some mainframe or something so they rush to Grand Central to detain him. And awww Jane and Tasha both get their own little mini-teams to lead. Man, these guys are totally FBI elite, aren’t they? God all the other agents must think they are just so cool. I bet there's heaps of office gossip about them and people pick their favourite team member like fans do with the Avengers (which should clearly be Clint and Natasha, duhh) or Power Rangers or whatever. I bet all the Reade fans have been bummed lately. But anyhow, they've spotted their target at the station-- he just picked up a dead drop. Jane follows him, but he's clearly expecting trouble bc he notices her, then makes a run for it-- only to be grabbed by another guy. And for a sec I thought it was one of Jane's lackeys that she'd perfectly positioned-- but then that guy slits the hacker's throat and steals the package. Daaaamn. Also omg I find it hilarious that there's like instant screaming and running from the bystanders the moment it happens-- like c’mon, writers. These are New Yorkers. New Yorkers have got shit to do and places to be and they keep their eyes DOWN. They'd have to be standing right beside this guy and get their coffee spilled on themselves in the struggle to even notice at all. I do appreciate that Jane goes straight to the hacker to administer first aid rather than running after the attacker, leaving that to Zapata. Who does a damn good job of it, nearly catching the guy before he's shot by another dude who subsequently takes the package. Like damn, what is in this thing?? Zapata runs straight past the guy on the floor, not even checking to see if he's still alive, too busy giving chase to dude #3. Too bad, son. Weller, however, catches the guy first and kicks his ass very thoroughly, which we all know I am a huge supporter of. And inside the package is.... a Rubiks cube?? I wonder if it opens up when you solve it???

Lol Weller's bummed about going through all that for a Rubiks cube, grumping about it being a dumb toy-- and Patterson's all 'excuse u these are very cool adult things that totally normal and cool adults are into okay' and ughhh the little grin on Zapata's face just gives me life. Almost as much as the fact that when Patterson says the cube is related to Leakhub, Zapata immediately explains what it is to Jane, instantly knowing that she's in the dark about it and catches her up so she doesn't have to ask. Ughhhh Zapata is such an amazing and considerate friend and she just always knows what people need and I'm so glad that she and Jane are back to being buds again because they are the besssssttt. Then Patterson shows them the mannequin-challenge video that she found (idk exactly how, using her usual Patterson awesomeness I guess) that had the message from the Leakhub founders in it, hidden on the license plates. Damn. Sometimes I remember that this is a TV show and that it's written by actual real people and I think about it and I'm just like goddamn these people are clever. But anyhow. I love that the mannequin challenge actually came up at all (even though by this point in time, even in the show-universe, it would be a long-dead meme) just because the Blindspot cast and crew did a challenge of their own and this all feels very meta rn haha. I love Patterson approving of the classy iambic pentameter in the coded message too haha. And so they realise that the Leakhub founders are basically having a going out of business giveaway, handing over their cache of Super Secret Files to whoever completes their challenge. And on that list of documents is... dun dun dun... the Truman Protocol, which as we've heard is basically the basis of Phase 2. So if they find this document, they might be able to stop Shepherd. And, you know, there's also the fact that if any one of these documents gets into the wrong hands, it could have devastating consequences etc etc 

Aaaand Shepherd is in some super tiny little jail thing, and will be taken to the consulate when it opens in ten hours. Yeaaaaahhhhh she'll be long gone by then. I do appreciate the guard guy verbally putting her in her place though. Too bad she'll probably kill him soon.

Lol Patterson has solved the Rubiks cube-- though not in the traditional way, as Weller points out, eyeing the randomly-coloured sides. She snarks that she could have solved it in 30 seconds (20 when she was in tournament shape appearently, and omg I adore her so much) but explains that the arrangement of the little colored squares per side IS the code, with each pair of them representing numbers or letters. Zapata seems to get it, bc that girl is honestly such a secret little nerd, but I personally would be in the 'smile and nod' camp with Jane and Weller rn lol. Basically it translates to a challenge where they have to hack one of a bunch of different documents. They realise, too, that there were other Rubiks cubes out there, and other people are also playing this game, meaning it's like a large-scale scavenger hunt. The team picks one that involves a big pharmaceutical company that is reported to have products that cause cancer, meaning they can complete the challenge in a bit of a Robin Hood way rather than causing more problems. Weller's totally ready to just ditch Patterson to get all hacky with it, but she drags him back, telling him that doing it by remote access would take her all day, and then before he even speaks she says in a super deep voice "we don't have that kind of time, Patterson" and then continues laying out her plan and oh my godddddd Patterson mocking her big bro is everything I have ever wanted in this world and more. I think I literally shrieked. Weller gives her this adorable 'excuse me??' look and ugh Jane is so completely failing at hiding her smile and omg I love this stupid team and their stupid family dynamic ughhhhhhh 

Omg. Patterson's plan literally involves Jane and Weller going for a relaxing couple's stroll down the CEO guy's street, and I literally cannot even explain how delighted I am rn because Jane is literally loving it?? She's smiling like a kid, just so happy to be here with him, getting to do something relaxed and easy and just the two of them-- like literally she could reach out just a tiny bit and they'd be holding hands, walking down the street like any other lovestruck couple without a care in the world. And of course Weller notices her smile, and he makes a joke about them not getting shot at for once (dude, please at least knock on wood after saying something like that, geez), and ughhhhhh I love her little laugh and her bright smile as she looks up at him and then the way she giggles as a couple of kids race past them and omg she's literally almost giddy just to be out doing something normal with the man she loves and I am SO EMOTIONAL about it. And then sighhhh, the moment is over and the smile fades and she takes a deep breath and asks him about hearing from Nas, and how he feels about her leaving, given the whole thing with Allie having left as well, and oh godddd now I'm emotional in a much less pleasant way because she knowwwwwwwss. Jane knows/knew about him and Nas-- like she might even think that they were still together right up until Nas left-- and she puts her own feelings aside to make sure he's okay and aaaaarghhhhhhhhh this is the woooooorst. She has literally probably known since that damn baby shower in 2x08 and ugh I can't even imagine how it must have hurt her to see them both at work every day and know that they probably woke up together that morning or would be going home to each other that night and ugh noooo my baby. She just cares about him so much and suffers through it silently and ugh it hurts me. And Weller's pretty much all 'huh? Nas who?' bc lbr that was only ever just a stupid fling for him (emphasis on the stupid) and his heart has always been 100% Jane's but he probably thinks she's just asking to make sure he doesn't compromise the mission somehow by being distracted over Nas and there's almost a dry little chuckle in his voice as he tells her he's fine and ughhhh these two literally just need to have a clear conversation bc this is driving me CRAZY. Idiots. But anyhow, they've just found the guy's car (fortunate timing there) and so they stroll over, with Weller standing guard over Jane while she casually slashes though one of the car's tires like it's warm butter (bc she's a superhuman, obviously-- do you have any idea how hard it is to slash through a tire?? Hard!) but anyway tbh I don't know if anything could really capture my aesthetic better than this moment lol? And anyhow onto the next step-- the guy comes out and sees his slashed tire, only for a cab to conveniently pull up right beside him-- with Weller at the wheel haha. Ugh I love Patterson's customer service voice as she calls to tell the guy he's being hacked, almost as much as I love the little grin she and Zapata exchange as she does it. And then he tells her to piss off with her little scam, then calls the ‘real’ IT department-- only to be answered by Zapata, and omgggg if I loved Patterson's customer service voice I am DYING over Zapata's. Also what an asshole, he just hung up on Zapata mid-sentence?? So glad their little camera then watches him put in his password so they can steal all his stuff and expose him. But ughh I can't believe that Weller's voice has somehow managed to get even deeper and more gravelly than usual? I hope Jane can hear Cabbie!Weller over the comms rn bc I really want her to be able to experience this too haha. Honestly though do the writers of this ep have some kind of role-playing fantasy, or?? Because it's sure as hell feeling like it... not that I’m complaining   

Aaaahhh Reade just showed up in the bullpen. Weller takes him straight to his office and I love the fact that while Reade immediately sits, Weller is standing for just a moment longer, meaning that when Reade apologises he's looking up at Weller. It's very 'penitent son' or something, idk. And Weller is so calm and steady, and ugh he could totally rip Read a new one for what he did but instead he's so supportive and forgiving and allows Reade to take the time off without the upper management ever having to hear what he did and ugh tbh I feel like season 1 Weller wouldn't have been this gentle?He would have been much more shouty. I think his experiences with trauma and betrayal recently have made him even more understanding and forgiving and despite what Reade said before, they ARE family. And Weller looks out for his own. And then ughhh Reade and Zapata... but wait he thanks her for 'sitting through that' and she tells him she's sorry... and oh no. Ohhhh noooooo. He really was abused. Oh god. I am so horrified and sad that he had to watch that and sort of re-live it. Ugh Reade my baby I know I've been grumpy at your behaviour lately but I am so sorry and I love you and I hate to see you hurting. Also their hug is so sweet ugh and wow she really is tiiiiiny lol            

Awww Weller walks into the Bullpen and I love that his three ladies are all hanging out together at the same desk?? Like Patterson could be down in her lab with her lackeys and Jane and Zapata could have been off doing their own thing but instead they're all sticking together bc they're besties and ughhhhh I am so happy. Also have I mentioned how much I love this ‘Charlie's Angels’ kinda situation they've got going on rn?? Reade's away and there's no more Nas (#sosad), so it's just Weller and his angels and ugh I am so into it. Literally can we have a spin-off movie about this? Like Patterson is their computer whiz and Zapata is the demolitions/weaponry expert and Jane is their combat expert and they fight crime under the direction of their doting leader Weller and ugh just give it to me now. But anyhow the Leakhub peeps have received the files that they hacked from the asshole drug company guy (and which Patterson cleverly sent through fancy means so they'll never know it came from the FBI), and a new message comes, telling them to wear red, go to a particular place, and bring someone they trust. And uggghhhh just let me die, bc Weller doesn't even hesitate; he just immediately picks Jane to go with him. Their responses kill me-- Jane's head snaps around and she just stares at him; Zapata's all like 'of course you would' haha; whereas Patterson's all disbelieving and insists that she should be the one to go bc what if there are more puzzles??? This is literally her forte. Ooh and Zapata looks at him then like 'let's see you argue this one buddy' lol. And then Weller says he's great at puzzles and Patterson legit laughs before quickly putting on a serious face when he stares at her (yep, he may be your big bro but he's kinda still your boss, honey) and she says "Yes, in your own way" and ughhh Zapata is LOVING this and I loooove the fact that she looks to Jane (who is determinedly staring at the ground, trying so hard not to laugh) because they're best buds again and they're all sharing this joke at Weller's expense ughhhh. Oh man, I almost feel sorry for my lil boy. So outnumbered. So out of his depth. But because they love him, they let him pretend that he really is calling the shots, and Patterson relents (sidenote: what are those earring she's wearing? Like an inverted triangle underneath another upright triangle? Isn't there some culture where upside down triangle means ‘woman’ and upward pointing triangle means ‘man’? So this combination would mean... sex? Idk maybe I just made that up, but anyway enough about the sex earrings) and helps Jane pick out her red outfit. Maaannn I wish we had gotten to see the conversation she and Jane had in the locker-room (or lbr, the one she, Jane and Zapata had, all in there together giggling at Weller’s expense haha). 

Oooh karma has caught up with Weller quickly-- he's right, he does look ridiculous. But I still dig it?? And it seems Jane does too haha. Ugh I loooove seeing her smile and laugh so much??? She's actually really enjoying this case and I think that has less to do with the relative lack of danger and more to do with the amount of one-on-one time with Weller ugh. Oh and now suddenly they're swept up in a sea of red, meaning Patterson and Zapata lose them. Ooops. So they end up at some big old industrial building, which Weller says used to be a sanatorium for TB patients back in the early 1900s. Well look at you, lil history buff! I am now headcanoning that Weller knows heaps of NYC history bc it was an interest he developed when he was younger (maybe young Weller couldn't face the future without Taylor so he spent all his time focused on the past ugh) and ugh now I want him to take Jane out on a walking date where he just tells her history of the places they see while they hold hands and eat icecream or something ugh. I can dream, right?? But anyhow the door is their first challenge-- a keypad with a note about the simplest answer being the right one, and a math riddle, and they just look at each other like 'man it would be great to have Patterson right now' lol. And Jane's like 'ugh maths is gross why don't we just guess' but Weller stops her and just reaches for the door handle and pulls the door open. The simplest answer was that the door was never locked in the first place. Looks like it's lucky Weller did go along, bc I feel like Patterson might have solved the equation without necessarily thinking of any other alternatives. Score one for Weller. Tbh I feel like I would have done the same as Weller, bc I would have just been like 'nope too much maths can I just yank it open by force instead' lol. Though man the riddle does give me some serious flashbacks to the IQ test I had to do in order to get into med school. The first third of the test was all stuff like that, and those logic puzzles like where you have to get all the animals across the river in a boat but it could only hold two at a time and some of the animals would eat each other if left alone etc. I actually quite liked that section but the middle third was more my jam-- we just read different paragraphs of text about people interacting with each other and had to determine why they did what they did/said certain things/how they were feeling etc. That part was awesome. The third part was literally looking at patterns and picking which weird shape should come next in the sequence and I really wasn't a fan of that one at all haha. But aaaaanyhow. I wonder what would have happened if they'd put an answer into the keypad? Like would it have just locked them out, or blown up in their faces?? But omg I love Weller's 'told you I was great at puzzles' and the way Jane just rolls her eyes at him omg these two are so marrieeeeddddddd

Wow okay so they pretty much just stepped into the human version of a bowl of skittles-- there's colourfully dressed couples everywhere, and looollll Jane makes a joke about being glad not to be on the turquoise team and ughhh my baby is such a goddamn cutie pie omg. The green team gives them shady looks, and Jane wonders if everyone here is a hacker-- but Weller says some would be mercenaries or bodyguards or spies. Great. Lol then suddenly the lights go down and epic music starts and a spotlight appears on a hooded figure and for half a second I almost expect it to be Rich (even though I know he's back in prison and has an entirely different body shape) bc this is totally his kind of style haha. But then the hooded figure reveals themselves to be... Kaylee?? Erm, I mean some lady hacker, meaning ooooh the Hacker Bros are actually sisters. Or were, since the other one was apparently killed in a boat crash. Um, okay. This is all a little weird. God she really does remind me of Rich though. I wonder if they've met? I bet they're friends. Or exes haha. And then crap she says that there's a cop in the room and pulls out a gun and dammit Jane your poker face is usually better than this, get yourself under control woman! But then she does sound super badass and in-control when the Hacker Chick asks her who she thinks the cop is, so phew. Aaaand oops, now the white team is dead. Well, a little less competition, at least? 

Oh I forgot about Shepherd. She tries to connect with the guard about living with tyrants, but little does he know that SHE is the tyrant she's talking about. Ugh, I wish he had a tranq gun or something to knock her out with              

Oh Readey. My baby is at the shooting range having all kinds of nasty flashbacks as he shoots, and okay either all his shots will have gone wild and missed entirely, or they'll all be right on top of one another in the silhouette-man's heart. Aaand it's the latter. Oh my poor traumatised son. You need more Zapata hugs ugh      

Hacker chick is taking them all to individual rooms for the next challenge, and I love that when she holds up the hard drive of files, Jane looks back at Weller like 'are you sure we can't just attack her now and steal it? We could take on all these people' lol. But instead they head for their room (poor orange team just got dissed by the Hacker chick. That's what you get for wearing such a terrible colour lol) and omg I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. I loooove escape rooms, though I've never yet done one. One just opened in my town though so I'm gonna try to drag some friends along. Oh but before the key-finding can begin, there's a polygraph challenge-- "prove you can trust each other and you'll fin d your fates will be forever intertwined" yaaaassss I like the sound of this. It's true though, isn't it? If they reveal some of the things they've ben hiding from each other and then come through this whole ordeal knowing that they trust each other, they'll be one step closer to finally getting back on the right path, the one they’re meant to be on, the one that leads to marriage and babies and growing old together ughhhhh. And oooh Weller seems a little nerv ous about the polygraph-- if it asks him his feelings for Jane, he's screwed. He'll be even more at her mercy than he already is. Not to mention that he probably still thinks she doesn't feel the same and ughhh my boy is just not ready to be stripped of the last of his walls. Not like this. Whereas Jane is all 'let's do this' because she knows that if she needs to, she can beat the machine. Though I feel like that wouldn't be hard in this instance anyway bc it's literally missing half of the measurement devices that it should have, and somehow apparently can have answers of more than just yes or no? Mmmmkay, sure. But ugh the look they exchange when the chick is on the screen talking about them trusting each other. Both of them are like 'despite everything I trust you but I have no idea if you feel the same' and ughhhh I am so READY for this. And then lol the chick trolls Weller when he tries to talk to the recording. I love the humour in this show haha. But aaaahhh the first question is about meeting each other and their first impression, and I'm interested to know how this would work for those teams that are hacker + bodyguard/mercenary? Like 'we met this morning and he seemed like he would be really good at killing people so I thought that was good'?? Or maybe that’s the point, it's like an instant method of disqualifiying some teams, in that the questions are designed to show that they have a strong bond, a connection and trust equal to that which she had with her sister, so any pairs of strangers would automatically have to fail. After all, the rule specifically said 'bring someone you trust', meaning those teams broke that rule. Which means that Jane and Weller are automatically going to be one of the few teams that have a chance of winning. Excellent. But omggggggg the way Weller looks up at her sharply when she said she was terrified when she met him?? Ugh and he looks at the computer like 'wait no that can’t be right' and it comes up True and she looks at him all 'I did good?' and he's still processing that one because ugh of course she was scared-- she had no idea who she was or why this was happening and was locked in a room completely at the mercy of the people holding her-- but he would hate the thought of her being scared of HIM. But tbh I totally believe that the moment she first met him, her terror went from overwhelming to just a low background hum, because she just instantly recognised that he was Good and would try to help her and protect her. But wait hold on I want to hear about Weller's first impression too?? Because I feel like it would have been something like 'My first impression was that she was beautiful.... and that she was somehow both dangerous and vulnerable at the same time. From the moment I saw her I wanted to protect her.' and it would ping true and Jane would stare at him while he stared at the floor and ughhhhhhhhh why would you rob me of this opportunity show, whyyyy

Patterson's database just flagged that one of the fake documents made by Sandstorm's forger guy was just recently used-- and so they realise that Shepherd is in Bangkok. Dun dun dunnnnnn. They also still have no idea where Weller and Jane are either and are very stressed about it lol

Oooh wait Jane is answering again? Are they alternating and we just didn't get to see Weller's last question, or?? And ugh she answers that yes she's lied to him about something important. It's interesting that the question doesn't ask them to admit what the lie was, but that could either be bc the writers didn't want to have to go into it, or bc the Hacker Chick just wanted to plant that seed of distrust between the pairs and cause them to have an argument about it later. Of course this question doesn't have much of effect on Jeller bc they've already had their big reveal of all the lies and the subsequent fallout. Well, most of the lies, anyway. She's still got her Emma lie and he's still got his 'I'm stupidly in love with you but have made you think I'm not' lie. Though technically his lies-- that he's in love with her, that he hooked up with Allie and Nas to distance himself from her-- are more omissions than outright lies. But then aaaaaahhhhh Hacker Chick asks what the best/worst thing their partner has done for them (again, for strangers this would be an awkward one to answer bc they wouldn't really have anything to say) and ughhh Weller answers and talks about her getting inside his walls and ugh he's avoiding her gaze and fidgeting as he speaks, but then looks up and meets her eyes as he half-whispers that the worst thing was the same answer and ugh she can barely look at him, her eyes drawn to the screen instead, because ugh when he started speaking it seemed like her getting inside his walls was the worst thing-- which it did turn out to be as well, but there was more emphasis on it being the best thing and she must hardly be able to believe that he could ever consider being vulnerable to her like that as a good thing but the screen pings True and ugh she swallows and looks like she's trying not to cry and ughhhhh save me. And then the last question is hers, and it's about why they chose to work with their partner/why did their partner choose them, and Weller looks at her kinda like 'crap, how's this gonna go' but also simultaneously 'yes please tell me how you feel about working with me because I need to know that you'll stay' and ugh she says she chose him bc he's honest and loyal-- and then meets his eyes and says she trusts him with her life. And ugh he looks down, unable to hold her gaze, and you just know he's thinking about how he didn't protect her from the CIA and how he treated her like shit when she came back and how she still believes in him even after all of that and how he doesn’t deserve it. And he's probably also thinking that she's among the maybe three people he would trust with his life, with the other two being Patterson and Zapata (Reade's temporarily taking a break from the list) and yet the others are his hand-picked teammates who he has worked with for years and who have always proven themselves to him. Jane is an ex-terrorist who he's known less than a year and who has already lied to him and betrayed him more than once, yet he would still willingly put his life in her hands because he knows she would never let anyone hurt him. Ughhhhh. But then she says that he didn't choose her, he was forced to work with her, and he looks up and frowns a little bc the computer shows that she believes that's true but it's so totally opposite to what he feels and tbh I almost expected him to say something about it right then and there, but there's no time bc a little compartment pops open and there's locks to unlock. Also I just noticed that the symbol in the screen is a triangle with an eye in it overlying an inverted triangle, almost like Patterson's earring! What does it mean?? Are Jeller being followed around by a literal sex-symbol because I'm really starting to feel like the universe is trying to send them a message.... but anyhow the escape-rooming begins, with Jane finding two keys to Weller's one, then realising that the fourth lock is opened by the third lock itself. God she's so smart. I bet Weller is finding this super hot rn, bc I’m pretty sure the rest of us are. And then ta-da, a wall slides aside to reveal a window into the room next to them, where the blue dudes are still searching for keys. A message on the screen says that pressing the big button by the door will let them out, but fill the blue guys' room with deadly gas. Which means that getting to the files first-- saving a whole bunch of people-- will require killing two people in cold blood. Well, shit.

Well, if anyone tells you that slow internet never hurt anybody, show them this clip. This guard died bc of it, poor guy. But first he was talking with her about how Remi and Roman probably miss her and I'm like nooooope they certainly do not, my man. Ugh I'm so sad he had to die, though, like it was absolutely coming from the moment she got locked up, but ugh we were SO close to having her in US custody and then... sigh.

Ugh my precious babies are desperately searching for another way out, bc they refuse to press the button. And then ugh the blue guys unlock their last lock and see the same message-- and I appreciate that one of them tries to stop the other from pressing the button. Thanks for having honour, bro. But it's still not enough, and the other guy hits the button, releasing the gas-- into their own room, while Weller and Jane's door swings open. Plot twiiiist. Jane automatically moves for the door-- they have a mission, after all-- but Weller refuses to leave the guys to die, so he smashes the window and the two of them drag the blue guys out. Ugh, my babieessss. Unfortunately being good people means that the green team has gotten a chance to get out ahead of them, and they chase them down, catching one and absolutely kicking his ass in a freakin' awesome tag-team way, because these two are literally the most badass partners ever. And so they make it to the finish line-- but after the other guy in green, who grins at them like a cocky S.O.B. But then whaaat the white-team lady is there-- she's actually the other half of the sister duo. Niiiice. Jane's all ‘????’ and the chick makes a joke about her being a ghost and lol I love how absolutely done Jane is with all of this. Poor woman is daydreaming about being back on the sunny streets strolling along with Weller rn rather than being here trying to prove herself to these criminals lol. She tries to argue that both partners were supposed to get to the finish line, yet greenie is on his own, but Hacker chick shoots down that attempt. But then Weller, my precious cupcake, my secret cinnamon roll, argues that the whole point of the button test was to ensure someone with a moral code got the files, and reminds her that he and Jane risked the win by stopping to save two strangers. White-clad sister seems to like him-- er, I mean his argument-- and so the main hacker chick is all 'eh, sure, I love a twist' and tosses the hard drive to Weller. I bet Patterson, as amazing as she is, couldn’t have succeeded like that. The green guy tries to attack Weller but neither Jane or the hackers' bodyguards are having any of that shit lol. Nobody touches Weller :P And loooolll the chick reminds them that their fates are now forever intertwined and they look at each other kind of awkwardly and it's just like well guess you guys should just go ahead and get married now then... 

Uh ohhhh, Zapata's friend from the precinct called her and says that the detective investigating Coach Jones' murder is about to start an inquiry into possible evidence-tampering in the case-- and oh no this could go very very badly. Ugh my baby I am so worried for you

Blah blah Shepherd has tracked the guy with all the toxic stuff and killed him, and now has all the goods (or should I say 'bads', heh) on a boat, headed for NYC. Whatever, lady. The team will stop you.

Aw Reade is having a session with Dr Sun. I still really, really don't like that the person now hearing all their most intimate confessions is someone brought on board by Nas. I also can't forget how she treated Roman like a monster, and incorrectly diagnosed him with a really significant disorder. I just don't think this team should be trusting any shrink that has any connection to government agencies rn. I do like how they're sitting in chairs side by side though, so he doesn't feel suffocated or trapped. And ugh he says that using is gun is triggering (heh) his flashbacks, and Dr Sun suggests he maybe separate himself from his triggers... which would mean leaving the team. As much as I love Weller and his Angels, I really do want Reade to come back eventually... I mean, Zapata would be so sad without him??

Speaking of our angelic team, they’re down in the lab, looking at the booty they just scored from the hackers. There's a loooootttt (maybe enough to drive a season three...??). Good thing it's in safe hands with these guys, who would never use it for evil. And then they find the !!Truman Protocol!! which is like the redactiest of redacted documents, but they can see that every POTUS since then (well, up to Clinton I) has signed it as well. Jane also spots a stamp with the letters COGS at the bottom, reminding them that Nas' source told her to follow the cogs. Ugh, my super smart baby girl, I'm so proud. And so somehow it all connects to Phase 2, but the question is how....

As any sensible person does in the face of such pressing matters, the team goes out for drinks. And ugh I just love Weller and his ladies having these little bonding moments away from the NYO, the four of them banding together because they are the only ones left fighting this war. Their ranks have been diminishing one by one, and they are the last ones standing, the handful of Spartans facing an entire army alone. Tbh though I really want to know which of them suggested the drinks; I'd like to think it was Weller, partly suggesting it to help morale but also partly so he might have a chance to talk privately with Jane with a little bit of liquid courage on board. And ugh he's so supportive now, reminding them all that they had a huge win today and now have a really significant new lead that will help them stop whatever Sandstorm is planning, and then ugh his savvy sister Zapata is like 'time for some Jeller alone time' and pulls Patterson away with her. Ugh, what a wingman. It's interesting bc we really don;t see thaaaaaat much direct Weller-Zapata interaction, but somehow I feel like-- of the pre-Jane team, I mean-- they are the most similar to one another and have a super good understanding of each other? He seems to act like the older sibling towards both Reade and Patterson, but with him and Zapata, they're more on a level? He still gives the orders but she subtly gives him crap about it and isn't shy to disagree with him if she thinks he's wrong. Like they'll never be tight like she and Reade are, but I definitely think they've got a really cool connection. But ANYWAY, the Wingman has departed with the Cockblock and this means-- as Weller ensures by literally looking over his shoulder, omg-- that Jeller have a rare moment of privacy. Jane's just happy chilling there with him; she has no expectations or anything, she's just so content to be sharing this kind of bonding moment with the others and to get to sit next to Weller and listen to him talk and catch the occasional hint of his cologne and just feel safe and wanted and included ugh. But Weller's been dying to have this talk since the polygraph because he needs to correct this belief she has that he's only working with her because he's forced to. He literally loves working with her, and that was part of what made her betrayal and subsequent absence so hard (and what made him so grumpy when she came back)-- because not only had he 'lost' the woman he was in love with, but he also lost the best partner-- yes, partner-- he'd ever had. She made him better, in every way, and for a while he lost that, and without it he spiraled. He was irresponsible in his personal life and barely holding it together in his professional one. So to hear, today, that she thinks he doesn't want to be working with her, doesn't want her around... he couldn't let her go on believing that. And ugh his voice is so cute when he tells her that he was never forced, and she teasingly calls him out on it a little bit, reminding him of when he'd refused to let her out in the field, etc. There's no malice to it though, her casualness showing that she understands he's moved on from that steadfast rejection of her, and his joking response of 'doesn't sound like me' is a way of acknowledging her point, but also subtly communicating that he in the here-and-now isn't the same/doesn't hold the same views as he did then. She smiles at that, then reassures him anyway, telling him that she actually meant they were 'forced' together initially by Shepherd's design and now in the mutual drive to take Shepherd down. And then he basically tells her he's completely okay with that, because though their enemy started them on this, it has enabled the to save a lot of people, to do true good.

AND THEN, he says 'and...' and takes this deep breath and shifts to face her, clearly working himself up to say more, and Jane is all "what?" because she's felt the change in the air between them; this wasn't just one of those patented Weller Reassurances where he bolsters the morale of his team. That was the lead-in to something else, something he's about to tell her, and she stares at him as he stares right back and tells her that all of it led him to her. And she smiles a little and looks away, not exactly knowing how to respond because she doesn't know where this is going, and it's kind of like when someone pays you an unexpected compliment and your body doesn't know how to react because your mind is instantly scrambling, and ugh she clearly expects him to kind of just stop there, or change the subject or something,,, and it's only when she looks back up him and he's still looking at her so intently and adds 'and you to me' that her face softens, filled with such looooongingggg and her breath escapes like a tiny little sigh and ugh there's such emotion in her eyes and then he shifts his arm and idc that it's out of shot, I am certain he is now lightly grasping her elbow, and he tells her that the two of them coming together is something he would never-- he literally emphasises the never-- want to undo. Which means that having her in his life is worth more to him than the ability to erase every bad thing that has happened since her appearance in Times Square. And ughhhhh there are tears forming in her eyes and there's a tiny shudder in her breathing because oh god this is everything she's ever wanted, to have his forgiveness and his love and have a chance for the two of them to start over, because she loves him, never stopped loving him even when she hated him, and so right now she can hardly believe this is real and ugh the way she looks down for a moment like she's drawing on the courage to believe in it and go with it, not even realising she's already subconsciously leaning toward him just a teeensy bit even before she looks up (because her body is already a step ahead of her poor overwhelmed mind and heart) and then she looks up and sees him also leaning in just a fraction, eyes still on hers, no mistaking his intent but also ready to pull away if she indicates this isn't what she wants, but ugh then her eyes meet his and she leans a little closer and it's like that tiny movement tipped them over the edge, and then he's slowly closing the gap and she tilts her head and they hold eye contact until the last moment and her eyes have just fluttered shut, scarcely half an inch of space separating their lips, literally no possible doubt remaining that both of them don’t desperately want this-- when Patterson calls out, and I love that while Jane pulls back like a startled deer (or rather, doe), Weller literally does not move. He's probably just too busy thinking 'I'm gonna kill you, Patterson' but I'd like to think it's also bc he's not afraid or embarrassed to get caught. Literally everyone else in the team already knows he's in love with Jane anyway (and actively ships it) so what's the point in trying to hide it? I love the fact that Jane glances back up at him and gives him that small smile before pulling away, and he just grins at her like 'so close...' while she scrunches her nose and mutters 'yeah'. They are very much on the same page when it comes to their exasperation with interruptions haha. And then ugh they're so cute as Patterson arrives, both straightening in their seats and Jane clearing her throat while Weller pretends his dumb grin is about the drinks and not the almost-moment he and Jane just had (because oh my god she was going to kiss him back) and then Zapata rejoins the table with a grin that says she knows very well what just got interrupted (while Patterson remains oblivious, clearly having been focusing on her footing rather than what was happening at the table as she approached), and as the conversation resumes, Jane looks back at Weller with this shy but elated little smile because oh my god he was going to kiss her. And okay maybe it didn't actually ~happen~ but it was literally so close to happening that it had the same end result anyway, which is that they each know now that THEY BOTH WANT TO DO THE KISSING WITH EACH OTHER. LONG-TERM AND EXCLUSIVELY. Someone help me I’m dying over this aaaaahhhhhh

Okay so I literally couldn't care less about Shepherd's scenes (except about the fact that they cut short the screen time of characters I actually like) but damn this overhead boat shot is actually pretty gorgeous. Nice one, team. And then she's all 'shiiit the FBI has the Truman Protocol' and we see the Green team with Parker and ooooh I wonder if they recognised Weller and Jane at the hunt?? Did they know she was the prodigal daughter and he was the golden boy? And yaaaass I love seeing Shepherd’s day get ruined. But then woah lady, no need to put a hit out on Weller because of it??? I agree with that slimy Parker, I thought he was vital to everything??? What the hell is Phase 2????

Lol the guy checking Zapata out as she walks along the street. Same, bro. And then oh crap, flashy lights and sirens and "That's her" and on one hand I love that they've got literally four cops there just to take her in-- frightened, were we, boys?-- but on the other hand I'm like nooooo don't you dare arrest my baby she's done nothing wrongggggggg (lately) ughhhhh

Aaand okay there’s one down, time for 2x20 lol  

[oceanicstarss]

How willing would you be to do ALL of the coffee house asks? If your willingness ranges from "more than a little willing" to"ABSOLUTELY FULLY WILLING," please do so! Thanks! (If your willingness is less so, just pick your favorites and answer them, please) 💜😜

Oh yeah, of course I’ll do it all! (Under the line because it’s pretty long)

Vanilla Chai latte- Are you in love?*singing while in pain* I DON’T KNOWWHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKKEEE???!?!??

Flat white- Coffee or tea?Tea. Definitely tea. I like coffee, but dear Lord me poor stomach.

Cappuccino- What’s your middle name?Kai…

Mocha- Dream job?I’m not sure anymore. It’s probably still some type of chef, but I don’t knowww

Pumpkin spice- Dream car?Boop de de boop I hardly know anything about cars whoooopsss

Jasmine tea- If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?Ughhhhh…… I’d probably choose the UK, because then I could go to different countries while still technically being in one place? But if I had to actually choose one place, I’d choose Ireland. I love Ireland.

Old English- You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you?Ooooohhh that’d be hard… BUt I’d have to choose Mr. Jackaboy. Because his bubbly personality and overall charm would be the sole thing that saves me.

Iced chocolate- Do you have a crush on someone????? What are emotions???

Caramel frappe- Favorite video game?Wellll I don’t really play video games anymore, even though I want to.But I think my favorite game (right now) might be a somewhat recent game called Astroneer.

Iced lemon tea- Favorite song/band?Why would you make me choose something like this? UghhhhI’ll have to say my favorite song right now is Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran. It’s such a beautiful song and every time I listen to it I start to cry.

Iced cafe mocha- Favorite thing to do on rainy days?Pretty much the same thing I do every other day. But usually I’ll read a book or sit in the rain just letting myself become the rain angel.

Hot chocolate- Are you an affectionate person?I try to be. But with the people I’m constantly surrounded by, it’s very hard to be.

Caramel macchiato- You’re travelling the entire world but you can only  take one person with you. Who do you take?@cosmologicaldan

Green tea- How tall are you?5′0…

Earl Grey tea- The inevitable zombie apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action?I’m gonna die. That’s it. I cannot fight and am too scared to try to escape and hide somewhere. Just let me die.

Mint tea- How do you relax?*shrugs*

Vanilla latte- Board games or drinking games?Board games. Although I’d much prefer video games.

Iced coffee- Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book?It’s so hard choosing a favorite book though….I’m gonna probably have to choose Lord of the Rings.

Italian soda- Describe your dream dateStar gazing. That’s it. We could be anywhere and be doing anything else, as long as we’re looking at the stars.

Sparkling water- Describe what qualities you look for in a personI don’t care whether they’re the most attractive person or not. I want them to be kind. I want them to be there for me when I need them, but I also want them to know that I sometimes need distance. I want them to know that I don’t really know who I am. I… I just want them to care….

Orange juice- Have you ever had a valentine?Noppee

Rose hip tea- Describe your first kissHahaha ha *runs away and cries*Anyways…. (It was five months ago so I remember it…)We were at a library and we had been talking for probably almost two hours by then. We had been friends for a while already, but this was our first time meeting each other. I had liked her for a couple months, but they didn’t know how they felt towards me. They had asked if we could hold hands, and so we had been for about an hour..? This whole time my whole body was shaking and I was just so nervous because I was actually meeting her. A little while later, she asked if she could kiss me. I didn’t really answer because I literally could not talk, my voice stopped working. But they decided to kiss me and gave me just barely a butterfly soft kiss real quick. And even though it was real short, I haven’t forgotten it… *singing* Even though she prob-a-bly diddddThat got real deep I’m sorry… Also made no sense whoopsss

Herbal tea- You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy?Rain or lavender.

[chrysalism128]

Personal

BREATHE it’s going to be okay, this will most likely come through and I’ll be able to go, remember all the times I freaked out about things and everything turned out okay, this hopefully is just another one of those times which means I only have one month left of this job then home then abroad.... stuff people say ALWAYS gets to me every time unfortunately :-( I cant stop thinking about it and I just keep like second guessing myself and how I’m doing everything wrong and how everyone secretly hates me :-( which is probably the case but it’s just not something that I should be thinking about all the time or I will start going crazy which is basically what is happening right now like I messed this up AGAIN even though this time was supposed to be different :-( apparently I never actually learn from any of my mistakes....but again I really just need to SHIFT the way I’m thinking or the goal, i don’t need people to like me, I don’t need to do an amazing job, it’s ok if they’re like quietly judging me :( which I know they are :/ I just need to survive one more month and then (God willing PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me get through this clearance I will lie I will do anything i need this to work) I’ll be out of there and I’ll be replaced by some probably pretty blonde girl who fits in super well and everybody loves literally on the first day, there won’t be any meetings with her because she’ll be perfect so it won’t be needed, when people talk to her they’ll always kind of laugh at the end but not in a “woah you’re kind of stupid so I don’t know what to do” laugh but in a “wow you’re so charming and you fit in here really well and we all really like you” laugh and everyone will think she’s really down to earth but not too much, you know ? Like there’s that balance. She’s relaxed - but also perfect. This is always what I have never been able to achieve - I try, but it NEVER works, it NEVER comes off right, sucks for me, I hate myself so much, but anyways, about this new girl. She’s very organized and ... normal. And, like I mentioned before, she cares JUST the right amount. Too much, and you’re obsessive .... too little and you seem flippant. She manages to hit that happy medium (another thing I’ve never been able to do it’s either too much or too little I either don’t care or I’m having like 5 million mental breakdowns and it’s, like, completely out of nowhere like how did THAT happen and what’s going on and people get really confused because everything seemed fine but like it’s not guys it’s an act if you can’t see that I don’t know what to tell you, I guess I’m just a really good actress (???? Except I’m not. Well actually I can be. Sometimes I get into this really weird headspace (is that a word?) mindspace ? Whatever. Where like ... I manage to think of all the perfect responses that actually communicate what I’m really thinking and it comes across right and people understand and take me seriously and UGHHHH I WISH I COULD CHANNEL THAT ALL THE TIME but I can’t, because I get tired, and intimidated, and because, as mentioned above, I let things get to me, when I probably shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I literally spend all day obsessing about what people think of me and they think I don’t care 😂😂😂 like if you had ANY idea oh my god like I literally can’t even concentrate or think straight sometimes because I get so nervous. But - of course - it gets misinterpreted :( and people don’t see that I’m like ... scared of them. LOL. I’m scared of being judged ... and .... not just being judged but judged incorrectly. Like judged based on something outside of my control :( that I cannot change and will never be able to change :( this ties into me wishing I were someone else :( I do feel like it’s unfair. But anyways. What else ..... I feel like maybe if I really manage the total appearance like everything and were a lot of makeup or something 1. Can make you look more awake .. yeah, mostly that. But yeah - I already messed this up again.