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butiamlookingforlove · 5 years ago

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When an INFJ has a crush on an ESTJ, story time

Disclaimer: I don’t really care all that much about mbti, it isn’t very accurate. However, after spending some free time listening to C. S. Joseph’s lectures I found myself resonating a lot with his system, it’s awesome, and it have been working for me as a great path to develop myself and achieve personal growth.

ALSO,

I am - the INFJ girl and brilliant narrator,

He is - the ESTJ and my big fat crush.

Keep in mind that we’re both like, kids in high school so, it’ll be a cute story but we’re not that mature yet.

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Everything started when we met on a very big event that we both participated. There were a lot of teens, it was during carnival, but we were not drinking and partying, actually, that event was organized as an alternative for teens who basically didn’t want to spend those 3 days hooking up with random people and doing all the same basic stuff teens do during carnival.

So we had the opportunity to meet each other when we were at our best selves. We shared 3 days of wholesome moments together. We were all divided in groups and he ended up in my group (purely by coincidence luck), that’s why we spent so much time together.

In some of those experiences we oppenly shared pieces of our lives with our group, shared some good times with everybody (you can tell my extraverted sensing inferior - that I’m proud to say I’m doing a great job developing it - was feeling extremely happy). Because the event had activities starting since very early in the morning, we had our day completely focused on spendind time together and doing different stuff together.

So yeah, whenever he expressed himself I was attuned, he was genuinely giving the impression of having figured himself out but still trying to now better so he could become a better person, he shared his political opinions, but I liked the fact that he really isn’t extremist and respects people who thinks differently, but honestly for me the best part is that he IS reaching out for as much information as possible so he can decide upon the best idea so... I instantly thought... this is so similar to me I love it!

And then, at the latest night I spent there, I started to REALLY think about saying something to him, you know, about my feelings. Mainly because we were not from the same city, we probably wouldn’t see each other again, I had to tell him I was very admired by him, I knew it’d be weird if I told him I had a crush on him, even I thought it made no sense, why was I feeling that way?

I figured I should at least tell him the nice impression he had on me and that I had from him, only as a matter of making him feel happy you know, who doesn’t like being told that someone thought they’re great? Because, besides my deep amazement by his mindsets and assertiviness, we just had so much potential as friends, he showed himself more friendly then I honestly expected. When I saw him and started to figure him out on my own I thought he wasn’t looking for making friends with strangers, but when we started talking, it took less than a second for me to realize we would get along just fine.

I had that Leo Valdez/Calypso moment though, where I would think “yeah it’s like we’re not playing in the same team, he’s so much more than average and bla bla”. It didn’t stop me though, I was focused on expressing how happy and understood he made me feel and that I thought he was amazing. If he liked it and got happy, I’d be happy.

BUT, I knew he deserved some explanation about my intentions, I really tried my best, I swear, and honestly my speech didn’t end so bad but it was missing stuff. So I plotted the best moment for it, waited to talk to him alone, so I decided the best way was to take action. I gave him an excuse regarding his friend, pretending that this other guy was calling him so I could take him with me out of our circle of new friends.

After that I was holding his arm and guiding him to a place that had few people around. (I was feeling super bold, super proud, super happy). I said quietly and playfully “now just walk normaly, there’s nothing about that boy, I lied, he isn’t calling you, I’M actually the one that wants to talk to you”.

When we got to the part where I started actually talking... the first thing I said was “I think you’re amazing”. And threw at him a lot of compliments. I managed to explain myself to try and make it clear that I wasn’t a weirdo hadn’t any second interests, so I told him I was not planning to, like, ask him to kiss me right then and right there.

And generally it really was a dorky, cute, confession of nice feelings I had for that person. Not so much romantic feelings, but honest and innocent.

The next thing I knew my brain was like “mission accomplished” and after just observing his happy and gladful behavior I knew I was successful.

BUT THEN, he started complimenting me back, suddenly coming to better conclusions about what kind of person I was, so he was like “HOLLY SH!T THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN, YOU ARE SO CUTE”.

AND THEN, he said something that created a 2 seconds long earthequake inside my head: “I knew I shouldn’t had come here while I’m in a relationship”.

Yeah, he had (and still has) a girlfriend.

I thought like “yeah, that was pretty obvious”, but I got disappointed of course. Since that moment I did my best to leave romantic feelings aside, but I can’t guarantee anymore if I made myself completely clear on that regard. Probably not.

But, anyways, I just left that in the back of my mind, put that under the bed and ignored it. He was so pleased, so I couldn’t start worrying. But the fact is that, he not only confirmed his mutual attraction but also he really started considering me romantically after that ‘confession’.

We had to both come to the conclusion that it sucked that he was dating someone else, but that didn’t kill our great mood at all. Unfortunately, our alone time together was interrupted by other people around and we were separated.

BUT, we spent the rest of the day together (which was more like the last 3 hours of the event, it was a really short time together ;-;), getting to know each other better, talking about how mutually impressed we were by each other. A lot of cute moments. The only thing that bothered me honestly was that he really was devasted that I lived in another town, and that we would not be able to share much more moments like that together on the next few weeks and months. He was really taking the conversation to the topic I was avoiding to pay attention in my mind. Beacuse I trully knew about all those sad things, but I wanted to avoid the painful feeling they brought to me. He started comforting himself saying “I hope you find someone as great as you are in your life”, he knew it would wreck us both to deal with a distance relationship, and a breakup. (or at leat that was what I tought he meant by that, since he was giving up on seeing us together but later on he couldn’t stop actually investing into our friendship - and for me at least I have always hopes for the future, I definitely still see us together when we grow up).

BESIDES, he trully believes that we have potential to become more than friends, he absolutely made that clear. But neither one of us forgot the fact that we just met 3 days ago and this thought really felt kinda weird (illogical).

At the end of the day, besides the unfortunate situations of us living in different towns and his girlfriend we shared our phone numbers. So we keep in contact until this day. Before I took the bus back to where I live, we had our last hug. And with that, on our final goodbye, I took the opportunity to kiss his cheek.

So, feel free to share what you personally thought about all that. Especially if there’s any estj’s out there and if you think this guy is really an estj (I personally believe he is but with a great developed infp subconscious). Also if you’re an infj like me, do you even picture yourself going full estp subconscious and confessing to someone’s face? lol me neither it’s very thrilling

I'll update some other day about us and this story, I have more things to say. ;)

#personal #infj #estj #mbti #story time #c s joseph #cute story #mbti personality types #it's past midnight but it's worth it

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pmddnutter · 5 years ago

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Running a business with PMDD

I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS. It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms. Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.

The WHO defines PMDD as:

“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]

PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide. There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped. Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.

PMDD and Me

For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.

She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing. Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode! She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.

And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard! As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time? So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!

With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome. I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.

But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard. Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments. But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened. But other times I crash bad… I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me. Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic. I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.

One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts. The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job. The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me. The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all. Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT! I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)

So why am I writing this blog now?

It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019! At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money. Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products. Believe me, the irony of this is not lost! The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need. A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day. You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad. But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…

I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby. It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date. It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched. I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle. I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back. Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.

My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…

Thanks for reading,

Emma xx

For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.

You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.

[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11

#living with pmdd #pmdd #running a business #mental health

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banacafe · 8 years ago

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[20170416] B.A.P PARTYBABY in LA Fanaccount

Note: You all are probably tired of me saying this, but I am going to say it again ^^ Everything is written by memory, so everything is probably not exact and accurate. And I am so inconsistent with Junhong’s name, so forgive me if I keep saying Junhong then switching back to Zelo.

Also, If you don’t want to read all of the BS and wait I had to go through, you can just skip to the Songlist Section. And if you were tagged and don’t want to read this LONG post, just click ctrl+F and find your name to see where I tagged you, so you don’t have to waste your time ^^

THE WAIT AND C H A O S

@b90xng15 and I came to venue at 9:30ish, and there was already a line around the corner. One by one, the line started moving, and most of us at the back had no clue what was going on. Eventually, we were out from the street and lined up inside the barricade in front of the Novo. We had to take out our tickets and show it to the supervisor while he was walking by, so it will be “easier” for him to separate us. P1 ticket holders were on one side, and the P2 ticket holders were in the last line of the barricade. I thought it was organized at first, but it later became chaotic, especially later when it got closer to doors opening, because A.) there were a lot of people who had will-call tickets and B.) there were more P1 ticket holders waiting in line on the streets.

The Novo staffs didn’t even come back to inform further instructions for will-call ticket holders. For those who had will-call tickets (for both P1 and P2), when the line started moving, they had to go to the will-call booth (while the line was moving inside the venue) to get their tickets and go back at the end of the P1 line. The staff also had to go to get more P1 ticket holders from the line on the street first before proceeding to P2 ticket holders. It was so ridiculous. I just thought this was poorly handled. Not just that, they were strict, so it was hard for BABYz and fansites to pass out any signs and banner for us. Which I am like ?? Seriously?

My situation: When tickets went on sale, I couldn’t get any P1 tickets, so I just bought two P2 tickets. Then, I later bought two P1 from this girl online with a straight down payment.

It was around 6pm was when I started losing it. I was so nervous because the girl I bought the ticket from hasn’t showed up yet. I felt bad because I kept on texting her what the progress was and where she was at. I was just out of it. Because my plan was, if she comes in time to give me the P1 tickets, I can give my P2 tickets for the two BABYz in line who had will-call tickets for P2. But it didn’t work out. When they got all of the P1 people inside the venue, our line started moving, and we were one of the first P2 ticket holders in line. When we got inside, we were so lucky to have the railings. At 7:35pm, she called me and informed me that I have to come back downstairs to come and get my P1 tickets and my wristbands. Luckily, the BABYz who were standing behind told me that they will save my spot, so that @b90xng15 and I can go back downstairs to go get our tickets.

We left as fast as we could but were stopped when one of the employees told us that we cannot re-enter after go out the door because the sign said, “No Re-entering.” I was too mad to even read signs at the time. The staff lost it, and he was raising his voice. I lost my cool as well, but I calmly explained to him of my situation. We then went downstairs, with the staff’s consent, found the girl’s friend, and voilà! Our tickets!

One of the BABYz waiting with us said that we should file a complaint or sue The Novo for Emotional Distraught. YES! I was really feeling that. LOL.

SONGLIST:

Opening with DJ BShoo

The whole auditorium was dark with dark blue lights (just like how it did last year in LOE but there was nothing on the screen). It was 5 minutes before the show, and the lights dimmed down. On the screen, there it says “B.A.P PARTY BABY” and shows us a photo of DJ BShoo. He came on stage shortly and did his magic. I am not a party/club person at all, and I hate raves, but DJ BShoo was so awesome! Lights were changing to red and beaming! He kept the crowd jumping till the end. Lots of BABYz behind we singing along. I actually enjoyed this opening!

B.A.P (Intro)

After the intro, on the screen, it says “Sound System Check” and there was a timer (for 90 seconds if I remember correctly) in the center, counting down. At this moment, BABYz were anxious. We began counting down when it hit 9 seconds. After the countdown, it shows us “behind the stage” (probably a pre-recording). B.A.P was singing and rapping to the B.A.P (Intro) as they walked out to the stage. When the song ended, there they were again! B E A U T I F U L

Hurricane

Badman

It is so sad that I cannot remember anything for these two performances. I am so disappointed at myself. I just remembered enjoying the remixes of these songs, but nothing’s coming up for a mental picture.

No Mercy

Boom! Clap! Boom~boom~clap! I seriously only remembered Himchan signing this at the end and told BABYz to sing along.

Bangx2

Before Bang said “Are you ready?,” there was a long moment of silence, and BABYz just shouted their way through. Love the energy!

That’s My Jam

I think this is where the confetti started and also when Himchan started water-gunning the pit? Confirmed this please ^^ PS. The ground was literally shaking. BABYz were partying so hard haha.

Do What I Feel

During the part when they sang “Fly~,” Youngjae was seriously so gorgeous at this part. He had his arms spread out like a bird and just feeling the song. I wish I could’ve captured this in photo to show this to you all haha. Towards the end, Bang and Jongup did the same thing but with their arms opened and reaching to the ceiling. Piece of Arts they are <3

Dancing in the Rain

Same thing like last year. All of our arms up and clapping with the lights shining in the entire auditorium.

MENT

Himchan, a man of nostalgia <3, started off by saying that how they last came to LA a year ago, and how much they missed us. Then, introductions began.

BABY LONGUE – Bang’s Pick

I think it was Daehyun who said that they wanted to react more with BABYz, which is the reason why they decided to choose BABYz to come on stage. When B.A.P were walking to sit down with the table that had drinks on it, Daehyun said, we called this, “The BABY Longue.” *flying hearts* This day was for Bang to choose: Street Style. He then got up with his hands tapping against his mouth and just observed at BABYz. It really took Bang a while to choose. ^^ When she came on stage, BABYz cheered her on. I totally love the positivity. (PS. I knew her because she had Japanese class with me a few years back). She couldn’t stop smiling and couldn’t even said her name. Just look at the fancam (especially 7:10 seconds), then you’ll get what I mean. haha.

Try My Luck (Jongup’s Solo)

During The BABY Longue, I didn’t see Uppie, which was probably why I knew his solo was coming up. JONGUP! Not gonna lie. Jongup was so graceful on stage! I died! Even though I saw Uppie singing, dancing, and rapping “지금” last year, this blew me even harder. Jongup always find his way to blow BABYz’ minds away. He’s so talented! SOLO ALBUM PLEASE!

Shine (Zelo’s Solo)

There was a stand on the stage. I honestly thought it was Youngjae’s solo, and I cheered for him. *embarrassed* Until I saw Junhong peeking out from stage left, and I was, “damn. Wrong.” LMAO. (Don’t be too quick minded like me, BABYz.) Before Junhong started, he told us that he wrote a song for us, and he hope that we all love it. Zelo stans were more dead than alive at this point. Junhong wasn’t rapping, but his singing was incredible! So proud of him!

Fermata

I didn’t like this song when it came out, but to hear it LIVE was a different story. DaeJaeUp was on stage. Daehyun was in the middle. Jongup was on Dae’s right, and Youngjae was on his left.

I Guess I Need You

I was expecting to see stands for this song, but they were dancing instead. I don’t remember this performance at all. Boo.

Body&Soul

Overhearing BABYz in line, many of them weren’t ready for this song at all. I guessed all of them were cringing at the fact that they might witness the hip-thrust but didn’t happen. Still got lots of scream when B.A.P twist their hips with perfection. And Himchan, of course, never disappoint me when he comes for his part <3 Bottom line: I was so happy to hear this song live. I’ve been waiting for three years to hear this.

Lie (Youngjae’s Solo)

Youngjae was dancing by himself on stage! *dies* I am so proud of him. He sang and danced.

Shadow (Daehyun’s Solo ft Zelo)

I love you, Dae, but memory’s not serving. Only when Junhong came out, BABYz were screaming. I didn’t expect to see Junhong, which was why I screamed too.

SKYDIVE

Before the song started, there was a nice tune playing but very intense. On the screen, it showed us Earth from outer space. We can see the clouds. Then, there were missiles, and I swear I saw a bomb? At the end of the clip, we see a person flying in the sky (or jumping off). To see ot6 performing this song (which we didn’t see during the promotions), it was a blessing.

Young, Wild & Free

Behind B.A.P, from the bottom to the top, the screen slowly transition into red. I remembered after Zelo’s rap, Jongup came to the center and the two slapped each other’s hands before departing for Daehyun to pitch (Irrelevant example: you know like how Kai and Lay slapped hands during “Monster”—yeah, same thing but LIVE ^o^). It was so cool!

MENT

Wake Me Up

I still haven’t listened to this song enough to sing along (shame on me for being a sh*tty BABY), but all I remember was B.A.P gathering together at the end with the light beaming behind them, leaving us only their dark shadows. This image was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever saw <3

ENCORE

Check On

At first, it was just instrumental. In the screen, we see a silhouette of a person facing us, dancing along with B.A.P and the music. At first, we didn’t even know what was going on, but B.A.P wanted us to dance along with us. They taught us how to dance to it, which starts from head, shoulder, waist, clap (repeat twice) then brush your shoulders. Within a minute, BABYz got it, and they were dancing with the song ^^

SPY

Junhong and Jongup continued where they left off last year: the dance battle. Himchan went on chanting, “Moon Jongup! Moon Jongup!” and BABYz joined. After Jongup finished, he came to Himchan and the two slapped their hands. So cute~ Himchan was like a proud mom. I’ll just shut up before I start repeating myself of amazing our Jongup is haha.

Feel So Good

Be Happy

Carnival

I am not sure if it was either Carnival or Be Happy was when Himchan started fighting with the confetti. ^^ I remember there was a previous song (maybe in Feels so Good) was when a confetti was stuck on Himchan’s forehead, and then during one of these songs, the confetti was blowing so hard that it came to Himchan’s face. Poor Channie~

GOODBYE SPEECHES

Before their goodbye speeches, Daehyun asked us, “Which solo did you like best?” The voting was based on us cheering the loudest for the member we enjoyed most. I loved them all, but I cheered for Jongup and Youngjae. At the end, Junhong won with the most cheers. Himchan turned to Junhong and said, “Zelo wins!” Daehyun then asked us, “Who liked Himchan hyung?” My throat was so sore, but I screamed. After our cheers, Himchan said, “I win!” Haha <33 Himchan also apologized when he said that he and Bang couldn’t prepare a solo for us (Channie, you don’t need to say sorry). He said that he will plan something for us during the next tour.

Daehyun was trying to say his goodbye messages, but we kept on screaming. Daehyun continuously tried in telling us by saying, “calm down” and added, “Hey, this is my time.” But that didn’t stop BABYz. It was too the point where Daehyun was nearly begging when he said, “Pllleeaasssee~!” Ah, Daehyun’s too cute. Poor child. He was just trying to end the night haha.

I only remembered Youngjae and Jongup’s last words. Youngjae went on saying that he’s happy that every time B.A.P comes to LA, there is always a full house. He also said that he’s really comfortable with LA since there is a large Korean population. Youngjae ended with, “Please lots of Korean food.” ^.^

Jongup told us how he has families in LA and was talking about how his cousin (?) just gave birth (I couldn’t hear much with all of the cheers). I honestly can’t believe of how Jongup was able to trust us and inform us with such a deep story. Daehyun was like, “Jongup’s BABY” (he was referring to the newborn child) and pointed to us, “Our BABYz.” <33 Jongup ended by saying, “I love you, bro!” and made a heart! (I will talk about the “BRO” story later. It will make more sense, or if you saw GIFs of who started with the whole “Bro” thing, you know what I’m referring to.)

Oh, yes, I remembered before Bang was going to say his, everyone screamed. Bang was just standing on stage and smiling, listening to us cheering for Bang. I’d say that the cheers and screams for Bang went on for a good minute or so. Lots of love in room~

B.A.B.Y

When it comes to B.A.P, I love them so much, but I rarely cry about them, but at this moment of the concert, I got emotional. When this song came on, I was like “why does this sound so different from last year?” haha. On the screen, there was black and white videos of BABYz and B.A.P—from their first debut, throughout all of their tours, and just videos of smiling BABYz. I LOST IT!!! My eyes got watery and my heart was just trembling. LMAO. But my tears didn’t fall! I’ve talked to a few BABYz who told me they couldn’t afford to go to LOE last year right after B.A.P returned from hiatus, and this concert meant everything for them, and it was something very valuable (to be there that night and to hear how thankful B.A.P was for BABYz, wanting to dedicate this song for us). I think this song was the highlight for lots of BABYz and for B.A.P as well. <3

BANG x2

After B.A.B.Y ended, we found it odd of how the staff didn’t go on saying, “For those who have a checker wristband…blah blah blah….,” because this was what the staffs always say after the show. Until B.A.P came back unexpectedly with BANG x2, we were like OMFG. They totally caught us off guard! To enjoy one last moment with them was amazing! I think it was Youngjae who came out with a recorder attached to a selfie-stick. He began recording BABYz and the performance. Jongup then stole the stick and began taking the video. More confettis.

Bang took a poster a BABY made him, which I couldn’t see much from afar but it was a poster of AM 4:44 and the ribbon for mental health. Bang was so happy when he saw that and took it for his collection. Thank you for the BABY who made that poster. <3

HIGHLIGHT

WE SANG HAPPY BIRTHDHAY TO HIMCHAN! AND I WAS THERE! FINALLY! In 2014, he was at Chicago, and I couldn’t go (and I wasn’t even a BABY just yet). Last year, I almost chased him to all the way to Vancouver to celebrate his birthday, but that is just insane, and I had classes. But this year! Oh, man! We took out the sign “내가수 김힘찬 태어나줘서 고마워” (Thank you Unlimited and Tivoli for getting this out to us despite Novo’s stupid rule of passing out banners!), and I held my sign (which Himchan couldn’t see from my distant >> see photo below). We sang his birthday twice for Channie, and I can see how touched he was. He was getting teary, but I could see how strong he held it in. Strong Chan never breaks (except for 2013 but that’s a different story). But he was so thankful. And this is how the “bro” thing came. Youngjae kept on saying, “Happy Birthday, Bro!” as he moves around Himchan and into different positions. Look at this wonderful GIF set, and you’ll see how hyper and adorable Youngjae was.

Daehyun asked us to say “Happy birthday, bro” after counting down to three. When we all said, “Happy birthday, bro,” B.A.P fell into laughter. These dorks~

Himchan also mentioned that it was their main stylists, Eji’s (이지), (or hairstylists—help me here BABYz if you remember) birthday (he also spelled out the characters for us ^^). Youngjae then turned to stage left towards the back stage and yelled, “Happy birthday, Eji Bro!” This kid. lol C(;

Thanks to my short legs, my sign was all I saw in this photo Himchan posted on his IG. LOL. The direct translation for my sign is “Step into the world with strength (or bodly),” which I meant to say “Himchan, walk strongly.“

Photo Below: A picture of my sign and the birthday gift I gave Himchan.

HITOUCH

After the show, we lined up in the pit and waited for a good 10-15minutes. Danny, B.A.P’s translator, informed us the rules of using our phone: no taking photos and, especially, no videos, or they will delete everything we’ve taken on our phone (from the concert). Strict, but I can understand and respect that rule. Before the line started moving, I turned to the girls behind me and warned them that I might take my sweet time on Himchan. Haha. While approaching the hitouch, I saw Daehyun’s back and next to him was Channie. I was so “NO!” because I wanted Himchan to be last lol.

DAEHYUN: I was shocked to see Daehyun. All I did or say was “Oh, hey!” and slapped his hands. He was just smiling. I only remember his teeth and his cute cheeks. I cannot remember anything else.

HIMCHAN: When I turned and saw Himchan, who was sitting on the table and ready to give me a hi-five, I went OH-MY-FRONT-DOOR! I slapped his hands, and I quickly took out the gift I prepared (which I was hiding away from the securities). I caught Himchan off guard because he had already directed his attention to give @b90xng15 a hi-five. When he saw me still standing in front of him and handing him his birthday gift, I remembered Himchan withdrawing his hands and accepted it. From what @b90xng15 told me, she saw Himchan grabbing the gift and placed it on his laps when I left. I didn’t even tell him what I wanted to say (I have confidently plotted out what to say), but I couldn’t even say one word to him, not even “I love you.” Darn. And he didn’t even make eye contact with me. I don’t even remembered if he touched my hands or not while grabbing my present. *sobs*

BANG: After Himchan, I wasn’t paying attention, and I saw Bang’s smiling face next. I honestly or accidentally said “Oh my, wow!” in front of Bang, which was probably why he was laughing the entire time when I hi-five him. LOL. So adorable. Bang’s right. He’s not even scary in person. So adorable and gummy <333

JONGUP: My moment with Uppie was so quick. I was so shocked because Jongup is tall. Haha. (Well, again, I am short so everyone’s tall). I remembered Jongup gave me his one-sided smile, which I think is the most adorable thing ever. I thank him and slapped his hands.

YOUNGJAE: Youngjae was the only one I actually stopped and took a brief second as we both made eye contact. I smiled, thanked him, and gave him a high-five. Youngjae (my bias wrecker) looked so handsome in person! So glad we took that quick second!

ZELO: When I came to Junhong, he had his right hand ready for me. As I came towards him with a hi-five, he quickly switched his hands and gave me left hands instead with a killer smile. I laughed and slapped his hands with both of my hands because he confused me. LOL. What a tease~ Junhong’s so cute and TALL.

Hitouch, overall, was so fast, which kinda upset me because B.A.P is my ultimate group (Of course, along my lovelies, B1A4). The staff was really pushing us to keep going, and I was so pressured. Luckily, I still have this small memories of how my boys look like even though it was literally a second each. I remembered getting out from the Novo upset and at the edge of wanting to cry. My lame ass was mourning over the fact I couldn’t say anything to Himchan (BABYz, don’t be a crybaby like me ^^) LOL.

(Photo of my Checker Wristband. I fought so hard for this thing haha)

END

I want to thanks all of the BABYz I met and who was able to keep me busy during the dreadful wait—@b90xng15 and @hiddenhina. @meaty-glory-himchans-thighs, thank you for the gift. I love it to death, and you are so beautiful! We need to meet up again! So happy for you and your opportunity to meet and give Channie your beautiful gift! I know he’s so happy! We are so gonna get Boba when I come to the bay area! @daehyuns-uneven-buttcheeks, you are so pretty omfg, and I want to borrow your legs! I know Dae was so dead when he encountered your beauty! LOL. Glad we were able to meet and talk! Girls, we need to take a photo next time! I had a great time with you all, and especially to those who were so kind to save our spots during the pre-show. I am so thankful that there are many honest BABYz out there. BABYz are so wonderful and amazing! I think one of the highlights of this experience was, of course, seeing B.A.P and meeting BABYz.

All of those hours of waiting and those crazy moments of getting those P1 tickets were worth it! This trip was extremely exhausting because we had to go straight home right after the concert (and LA was a six hour drive back but a 10 hour drive with bus), but PartyBABY was one of the greatest experiences in my life. Crazy but one the best!!! Next time, I will be there earlier than ever, hopefully. And I will make Himchan look at me LOL. B.A.P is the best thing that ever happened to my life! I am so glad that I was able to spend this beautiful Sunday evening with my fellow BABYz and my boys! Never felt more alive. Looking for those years to come with everyone and with B.A.P <333

**I didn’t take any fancam of the show, only this short video of the line when I first came to the venue at 9:30AM.**

youtube

#[hiatus]#bap #PartyBABYLA #bapworldtour2017 #BAPinLA #fanaccount #Bang Yongguk #Himchan #Daehyun #Yoo Youngjae #Jongup #Zelo #LONG POST

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smokeybrandcompositions · 4 years ago

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Blackjack

I’m blacker than the ace of spades, man. I love our skin tone. I love our swag. I love everything about being black, culturally. We are the most influential and imitated culture, worldwide, and at the same time, the most aggressively hated. When i was in high school, i asked a bigot who was a huge fan of Busta Rhymes how he could be such a hypocrite and he told me, i sh*t you not, “Love the sinner not the sin.” Being black was a sin to this motherf*cker but, since he liked our music, he compartmentalized our identity into something more palatable to his ignorant senses. He separated Busta’s art from Busta, himself, which i can’t even understand. Beethoven was black. You’re telling me his Fifth is any less a triumph of sound because of his moorish beginnings? I find it odd how people can just write off your ethnic identity when you don’t fit into the box they want.

My dad was one of the blackest motherf*ckers i have ever met but what does that mean? Yes, he was loud. Yes, he was intimidating. Yes, he was a petty criminal and drug addict. But he was more than that. He was also a brilliant mechanic and gifted athlete. He was amazing when it came to problem solving and often weeded out solutions most people couldn’t even see. Pops grew up in a single-parent home, in the ghettos of San Francisco during the 60s and 70s. He was a goon, that caricature you see in old black gangster movies like Juice. My dad was a ghetto stereotype and the polar opposite of my mother. My mom grew up in a two parent, upper-middle class, household as a kid. She didn’t see the world the same way my father saw it. She acquired a completely different set of skills, skills so alien to him, personally, he simply couldn’t reconcile my mother to his cultural experiences. To him, my mom was one of the “whitest” black people he had ever met.

Therein lies the question; What does it mean to be black? My father equated blackness to the ghetto gangster archetype popularized by rap music and what not, but my mother disagreed. She felt that blackness was more than that. She understood there were more facets, nuance, to the identity of our people. In the macro sense, i agree with that. We are man. We can be more. But, ultimately, even among ourselves, we make these superficial judgments over stupid sh*t all the time. I don’t think my mom is “white”. I think she’s naive. I think my pops thought that, too, but he couldn’t articulate it as eloquently. I think my dad was too stubborn or afraid to broaden his perspective about our culture, probably stemming from the trauma of losing his father at such a young age. My Grandpa died when my dad was five or six. Grandpap was a gangster. He was a pimp. He was a low level criminal, everything my father equated to “blackness.” I think he held on to that image as a means to hold on to his father and it became his overall worldview. When my father died, my sister kind of did the same thing. I didn’t because f*ck that guy. My dad and i hated each other. We were very clear on that.

Speaking of Me, i am blacker than the ace of spades. I mentioned that earlier. I, too, and this is probably because i am my father’s son in SO many uncomfortable ways, am very intimidating. I am wildly athletic, particularly in American football. I love hoop and Rap music, i hate cops and authority, and i have a healthy, organic, lust for big butts. I cannot lie. I grew up in the ghetto and, when need be, can become extremely, cartoonishly, hood. I have an unassailable pride in exactly who the f*ck i am and very aggressively protect myself from others less-than-sterling opinions of themselves. Now, all of that said, i hate fried foods, i f*cking love math and physics, i don’t care for watermelon, I'm not really a Democrat, and i don’t lust after white women. The love of my life, who we’ll get too in a minute, is Black, Mexican, French, and Native. I am stunningly intelligent and tend to live inside my head because most people are exhausting to me. The last time i was tested, i had an IQ of 154. Being smarter than most people you meat, just loving the process of learning in general, is something that is shunned with in the discussion of “being black.” If you’ve followed me for some time, or just give a cursory look at this blog, you can probably tell i am total and complete weeb. My Geek Card is punched and official. I play the sh*t out of video games and have since i was a Wee Smokey. Actually, I've been all of these things since i was extremely young. It’s funny because my two favorite genres of games to play are JRPG and f*cking NBA 2K. That little tidbit is a microcosm of who i am.

When i was in high school, i was considered hood as f*ck. I fought everyone i could, conditioned with the football team, skipped class at every opportunity, and dated a Brazilian chick for two years. That was the outward Me, the Me people assume i am. I cannot deny that version, that perception, is a part of who i am but i am so much more than that. The thing is, i skipped class to get home in time and watch Transformers: Robots in Disguise. My lady at the time and i met because of the poetry i had written in my spare time. Yes, i used to write poems. I was published a few times actually. She and i bonded over our mutual love for The Red Hot Chili Peppers and No Doubt. Bro, The Killers are my all-time favorite band. Mr. Brightside and Read My Mind are classics i know by heart. I conditioned with the football team but i only ever played my Freshman year. I don;t care for the sport at all. On the surface, the superficial, public perception of who i am, makes me as black as night. But who i am, totally, one could make the argument i am nowhere near negro. I find that contradiction fascinating.

As i stated above, my lady is a cadre of cultures but the two that stand out most are her Mexican and Black roots. Cats can mistake her for either but she usually gets Black. Like my mother and father before me, my lady and i grew up on the extreme opposite ends of the scale. I was a Dirty Ghetto Kid and she grew up rich. Yeah, i landed me a rich girl, what of it? I went to a school that had metal detectors at every entrance and she went to f*cking finishing school. I had no idea there were so many forks until i met her. I turned sixteen with no jail time, beating several not-so-flattering statistics. She had a Quinceanera and attended debutante balls. My lady, of course, had her own issues, things i have no way of properly understanding outside of a theoretical assumption. For all intents and purposes, because of her upbringing, because of the way she carries herself, she’d be considered “white.” The thing is, she can give MY hood a run for it’s money but the way she portrays that side of her, is way more palatable than how i do it. If I'm a blunt object, she’s a precision edge.

She didn’t grow up in an environment where masculinity was paramount and you absolutely had to destroy a motherf*cker if they pressed your manhood. She never had to interact with the streets so the street code was academic to her. She didn’t approach problem solving with physical intimidation and aggressive threats like i learned. I literally got my license after failing the driver’s test for a rolling stop, by punking out my instructor into signing my forms. That sh*t works for me. My lady is five-foot-nothing. She ain’t intimidating anyone. Her solution to this solution problem was to outsmart everyone. She is one of the quickest, most intellectually agile, people i have ever met. She can debate anything until they are literally, physically, exhausted. Our first real conversation was an argument over who the better character in DBZ, Vegeta or Gohan. I had to concede to her. I lost that debate. Me. That NEVER happens. I don’t lose arguments. I immediately fell in love. I’ve watched my lady bring grown men to tears after verbally undressing them. She’s that intense and i just kind of fanboy when she does it. But, according to the Laws of Blackness, that’s not how you do things. You gotta get in there and posture as hard as f*ck until you come to blows. Like Walruses.

There is no satisfactory way to conclude this exploratory essay into what defines blackness. There cant be. Being black is as fluid as the ocean and just as deep. My little sister is Desi, smart as a whip, and pulls in six figures a year. She has two degrees and is in school for a third in math just because she enjoys the process of learning, like me. She’s incredibly shy. bordering on agoraphobic, but let a motherf*cker test me or anyone she loves. She because the blackest motherf*cker i have ever seen since my pops and it’s adorable. She’s not even anywhere near black. Not a drop of the Afros in her lineage. Does that mean “being Black” is simply a state of mind? Is it just a catch-all standard of media perpetuated stereotypes? Does any of this sh*t even matter? No. No it doesn’t. Look, i got two kid brothers that i raised because my parents weren’t real good at parenting. One has grown up to be an Uncle Tom with next to no self worth. The other is a nomadic, pot-smoking, emo Skaterboi. Both of them will mash you if pressed. Both of them can recite Pi to the thirteenth number. Both of them love hoop and hate cops, just like me. Both of them game hard, the Hippie Skaterboi is actually a pro LoL player, and they both love anime. Most of that is my influence on their world but does that disqualify their blackness? Does my Weeby Nerdom which rubbed off during their development, make them any less black? No! F*cking no, of course not! This sh*t is stupid and I'm tired of talking about it.

There is no such thing as “being a bad black person” or “being a white black person.” That sh*t is dumb. Black folks are black. We define ourselves. Sure, a real good indicator is our skin tone and the way society treats us but, underneath that surface bullsh*t, we are so much more. I love Spider-Man, Godzilla, and Transformers. I love Rap, Nuwave, hip-hop, Grand Ol’ Oprey, classical orchestra, Post Punk, ska, retro wave, and so many more music genres. I am an NBA historian but know next to nothing about the NFL. I just don’t care. I’m a massive fan of Cyberpunk claims but absolutely hate anything Tyler Perry or budget Black cinema. Neon Genesis Evangelion is my all-time favorite anime and Hannibal is arguably the greatest show to ever air on US televisions. Star Wars hold a special place in my heart, along with Doctor Who, Batman, Dragon Ball Z, and Luther. I grew up in the ghetto, lived in the rich suburbs, and stay downtown. My first car was a 65 Mustang Coupe, then a Ford Probe, followed by 91 Accord. I've driven a 350Z since 2014. I held a nine to five job for probably a decade but now write professionally. I am l of this but, before any of that, i am blacker than the ace of spades.

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smokeybrand · 4 years ago

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Blackjack

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