#I like Expedition a lot (I'm still not done fully and it is making me ANXIOUS AS SHIT)

[a-gay-bloodmage]

Day 18: Drive 

(Oghren & Hundir Aeducan and Alistair & Hundir Aeducan)

After returning to Orzammar, crowning his brother, and being spat back out, Hundir Aeducan is driven to the brink of madness. And cutting off his beard.

[bixbythemartian]

This is About Oceangate

...kind of. Like, heads up for people who are sick of hearing about it or are too disturbed by this, just scoot on by, that's fine.

Like everybody else my age who had a middle school special interest in the Titanic that was further fueled by the James Cameron movie (and that sounds very specific, but I absolutely know I'm not alone), I've been following this story fuckin voraciously.

I think everybody I know IRL and online is fucking sick of me talking about it. I have been actively trying not to blog much about it here because I'm so obsessed with it that I'm annoyed with myself. I would like to not be this interested in it.

But a lot of the stuff I can think of to say has been said by a lot of people already, I don't want to add to an already noisy environment if I've got nothing new to say.

So, instead, I want to talk about what I haven't seen very many people talking about- something that's stood out to me about the way the media has been handling this story from the get-go. So, finally, I'm inflicting my days long media binge on you.

The media's handling of this was bad. Like, comprehensively fucked.

For the uninformed, a primer on the situation- feel free to skip down if you know all this, there's a bulleted list right after I get done with this part, look for that. But some of this is important to the terms I use, so I wanted to lay it out. (Also I just want to get a lot of this out of my system, please just let me have this.)

The Titan is a 'cyclops-class' submersible. As far as I can tell, 'cyclops-class' is unique to the people who made this submersible, it's not a widely recognized thing.

The Titan can carry up to five passengers. It was supposed to be rated to reach depths of up to 4000 meters below sea level.

The Titan is/was owned and operated by a company known as Oceangate. There's a lot of questions regarding the safety of the submersible, where the math came from on their depth rating, and- basically everything about the Titan is in question, at this point. There's a lot of questions, but that's not what I want to talk about.

Right now. Maybe later.

A submersible is distinct from a submarine in that it requires a surface support ship for many things- the Titan moved too slow to leave port under its own power and go to the site, it didn't have enough life support to do that kind of thing, etc. A submarine is self-supporting and can operate independently. Kind of pedantic, I know, but the Titan is a submersible, not a submarine.

The Titan had a planned expedition to the wreck of the Titanic on June 18, 2023- this past Sunday, at the time of writing. The expedition was supposed to last around 10 hours. It chartered a ship- the Polar Prince- to act as mother ship, the on the surface support that the Titan requires. (The Polar Prince is owned and operated by a different company than the Titan.)

1 hour and 45 minutes into the expedition, as the Titan was still making its way to the sea floor, the Polar Prince lost all contact with the submersible.

The Titanic wreck is at just under 4000 meters deep, right around 2.5 miles.

Now, my understanding is that the Titan was not fully at the ocean floor at the point contact was lost, but it's not clear how deep the Titan was at that time. We may not ever know this for certain.

When the Titan was reported as missing to the coast guard is kind of unclear, to me- I heard 6 hours after they lost contact, I heard 12 hours after they lost contact, I saw something that indicated they reported it missing immediately- I don't know for sure. When the coast guard report comes out, I'm hoping we'll get a more accurate timeline.

However, as soon as it was reported missing, a massive search and rescue operationg was started. Complicating the search efforts were the fact that the submersible seemed to have no type of emergency distress locator beacon (I'm not sure what the precise nautical terminology would be for this).

The search included visual searching of the surface, dropping buoys with microphones, and ROVs (unmanned remote operated vehicles, deep sea robots operated by crew on ships at the surface) searching the floor, and probably some other stuff I'm forgetting. Deep sea radar etc etc, every tool they had access to.

The search and rescue concluded on Thursday (June 22, 2023) around midday, when they definitively found pieces of the destroyed submersible's pressure vessel (the part of the submersible that held pressure and kept the people safe and alive) in a debris field, approximately 1600 feet away from the Titanic.

The destroyed pressure vessel and reports from the Navy on hearing sounds consistent with implosion at the time the Titan lost contact indicates that the submersible underwent what is being called a 'catastrophic implosion'.

It is now an investigation and recovery operation, while they try to figure out what exactly went wrong.

The five men in the sub are dead. In all likelihood, they died so quickly that their nervous system didn't have time to process what happened. What happened to their bodies during this was probably gory and kind of horrifying, but it's unlikely they experienced any awareness of this.

There were five extremely wealthy men on the submersible- they were not all billionaires, but those that weren't were worth hundreds of millions of dollars. If you want a rough sketch of their biographies, there's a link here. Other than them being pretty wealthy, who they are doesn't play that much into what I want to talk about, so I don't feel the need to go into it right now. (Again, as more information comes out, I may come back for another swing.)

So, my complaint. The number of times I saw a news interview with an expert that went like this is not small:

news host interviews deep ocean expert of some variety (who is not involved in rescue)

host asks expert what chances are that the dudes are alive and will be recovered alive

expert, being honest, says something like 'slim to none'

host responds with some amount of sincere-seeming disappointment, then after interview, pivots to the ongoing search for the definitely still alive people

There were news programs with clocks counting down how much theoretical oxygen was left. There were frequent updates to news stories with nothingburgers of additions, just to pad it out. It was, if they were alive at that moment, fucking ghoulish. That they were dead makes it even more horrible.

And I cannot emphasize enough how many experts said, to generalize and paraphrase here: "Unless they are found bobbing on the surface in the next n hours, they are dead. Even if they are alive right this minute, on the bottom of the ocean, there is no hope to rescue them in time."

This is not a failure of any of the rescue entities involved, by the way. The environment they were presumed to be in- 4000 meters under sea level- is so extreme that there are very few vehicles in the world with the capability of even getting to that depth. Like, 10 or less. As far as I know, none of them are designed to do any kind of deep sea rescue- which would have involved carefully scooping up or netting the Titan and hauling it up very slowly. There's no way to transfer personnel between ships at this depth, and the Titan had the largest passenger allowance at this depth, afaik. Like, the odds were incredibly, vanishingly small that these men would live.

The media, at large, never ever really allowed that to change the way they talked about this story or treated the participants in the story. At around 11 am or noon (central daylight time) on Thursday I saw them talking about how 'oxygen is critical'.

Oxygen was critical 24 hours prior. Even by the most generous of expectations, they were out of breathable air. Given how, to put it mildly, janky the submersible seemed to have been, there was absolutely no guarantee that they had even the 96 hours that Oceangate claimed.

Their likelihood of being rescued alive from the ocean floor was minimal on Monday. By Thursday, they were dead- again, unless they were found on the surface somewhere and had managed to carefully preserve their air somehow, they were already dead.

The media didn't really allow for the reality of the situation to be clear until Oceangate and the USCG came out and said 'yeah, they're dead'.

"Well, what's the problem with that?" you might ask. "The United States Coast Guard was the one who was saying it was a rescue up until that point."

Sure. That's their job. Their job is to treat it like an urgent rescue until it is certain that it is not. A significant amount of what they do is to rescue people from doing damnfool things in the water, and keeping hope alive until they find bodies, or evidence thereof. They were doing exactly what they should be doing.

(Whether they do this to this extent for everybody lost at sea is another conversation that's absolutely worth having, as well as their role in border patrol, but I have no bone to pick with the USCG in this particular instance. They did their all until they could do no more, that's the whole point of them, this is how they're supposed to operate.)

The media was not doing what they should be doing. There's an old quote somewhere that I think is just a journalism truism (everyone I've heard talk about it says their journalism professor said it)- if someone tells you it's raining, and someone else tells you it's not, your job isn't to report that, your job is to go outside and see if it's wet.

James Cameron- director of the aforementioned Titanic movie, as well as being a Titanic and deep sea submersible expert, knew they were dead on Monday.

He reached out to some people, he found out that the mother ship lost contact with the crew as well as their location at the same instant, and that the Navy heard a sound consistent with an implosion at around that time.

The information that the Navy heard the implosion was not classified information- they heard it via a listening system that was declassified in the 90s, I believe. Like, I knew about the system just kind of casually because I know random Navy stuff. (My dad was in the Navy, it's mostly osmosis.)

The people on the scene were informed as soon as the Navy knew. (When that was, I'm not sure, except it was before Monday. Probably they had someone go back and listen to it and weren't actively monitoring it, but it's hard to say.)

The deep ocean submersible community knew, well enough that James Cameron could call a buddy and find out. He was telling people on Monday to raise a glass to them.

The media could have had this information, if they did not have it. Either they didn't want to know, or did know, and didn't say it. And I can't say for certain they were suppressing information, but I do know that they frequently downplayed any evidence that these people were dead.

I know on CNN they ran a story about FADOSS- the FlyAway Deep Ocean Salvage System- that was shipped out to Newfoundland. It arrived Wednesday afternoon. Description in the alt text, link here.

At the time this story was published, the people in the sub would have theoretically had less than 24 hours of breathable air. They hadn't even chartered a ship for the FADOSS, at this point. And the port in Newfoundland is hundreds of miles from the site. I'm not sure how many hours away but, like, hours away. I think I heard it's a 6 hour trip, but I'm not certain on that.

This system was referenced in the news as if it was going to be part of the rescue process. Very clearly, this was never going to happen. The quote, 'a process which can take a full day' is a mild understatement, here.

It could, theoretically, be done in 24 hours, but was much more likely to take longer, unless they had enough crew in Newfoundland to do round-the-clock welding.

The response to the question about recovering someone alive is a polite way of saying 'that's not what we do'. They were not part of the rescue operation and were never intended to be, as far as I can tell.

(If you're wondering what part the FADOSS is going to take in the recovery and investigation process, it's not. It's used to lift heavy objects off the floor, and the Titan broke into small enough pieces that the ROVs are believed capable of handling it. FADOSS is on its way back to wherever it is kept. I suspect it was brought out in the edge case that the submersible was found intact with dead crew, to retrieve the vessel whole, so that the families would have bodies to bury.)

Setting aside the 'oh they definitely blew up' news that seems to have been available the whole time, every single piece of evidence and expertise pointed to these people being dead, and yet the news persisted in sort of breathlessly (sorry) talking about the rescue efforts and how much time was left. They persisted in talking about how definitely still alive these people were until they could not do that anymore.

Other examples of this issue are the knocking thing. There were reports of some of the buoys picking up something that could be described as 'knocking'. Some said it was 'every thirty minutes' but we don't know how precise a measurement that was. As soon as they started talking about the knocking, I looked into it.

As it turns out, this is just a thing that happens. The sea is very noisy, and it's hard to determine the source of a sound. Some geological things sound manmade, vice versa. They had a lot of ships cooperating together to work the search area, it's possible that they were hearing noise from those, or something from an oil platform a jillion miles away, because noise travels far and is hard to pinpoint. They had this issue while searching for the sunken USS Thresher and it was one of the ships doing the searching. Given how many different moving parts there were in this search operation, it's hard to say what the knocking was. This is just a thing in the ocean, there's a lot of fuckin noise and experts can't always pinpoint it down in location or even what it might be.

This is why, even though they heard sounds that were consistent with implosion, at the time that the Titan lost total contact with the mother ship, it was still treated as if there was a live rescue operation. Because they couldn't be certain.

But the odds were extremely poor that these men were alive, and almost everybody involved knew that fairly early on. Again, the rescue operation had to go forward like they were looking for someone alive because that's how that works. The media, on the other hand, handled this in a very irresponsible way.

And, like, I know, news media is bad at being news is not some like hot new thing, I've just been building up frustration for days and so it had to come out somehow.

I'm not sure how much of this was just because they're very wealthy men- only one of whom I've ever heard of before- and how much of it was because it was a very bizarre and unique ongoing situation, how much of it was the intersection of that.

But pretty much everybody with enough knowledge to be worth talking to about this knew, like, Monday that even if they weren't dead right then, they were very unlikely to make it out alive, and watching the news wind a bunch of people up over the hopeful outcome was revolting.

Okay. We'll see if I can go 24 hours without talking about this. If you made it to the end of this absolute fucking novel, congratulations and/or I'm sorry.

[nolita-fairytale]

make my heart surrender | carmy berzatto x fem!reader | chapter three: thursday

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

warnings: lots of swearing, angst, use of she/her pronouns, allusions to sex, eventual smut, no use of y/n, second person pov, mentions of death/mikey's suicide

word count: 3.4k

summary: you and carmy finally find some time to catch up and carmy begins to realize that you're more similar than he thinks.

a/n: thank you to all who are reading, reblogging, and commenting omg. i'm so grateful that someone wanted to read this story. i wrote it in a week because i couldn't get these two out of my head. they were begging to be put on the page. i also have a companion playlist that i'll release when the story is done because i don't want to spoil anything! comment below if you'd like to be added to this story's taglist. i did presumptuously add a few of you i've interacted with, so please let me know if you'd also like to be taken off of it.

read: part two | masterlist

Thursday

You’re grateful that by day three, you’d been able to smooth over some of the tension between you and Carmy. You even looked forward to catching up with him, if the two of you can swing it. Instead of going home early, you had jumped on the line this evening. Ebra was out for the night and Marcus had asked to fly solo on prep so that you could give him some feedback before lunch service tomorrow morning. 

It was an easy decision, to fill in and jump on the line. After all, you had checked your bag on the plane so that you could bring your knife roll with you, just in case. There was something about this kitchen – the energy and the people – that you wanted to stick around for. And it didn’t hurt that you got to spend a little extra time with Carmy. When he was in his element, expediting and leading this kitchen… he was… breathtaking. 

“Damn, nice knife, Jeff” Tina comments, checking out the santoku you’re running through some parsley. She can hear the crisp, clean cuts you're making, which is what caught her attention in the first place.

“Jeff?” you question, shooting her a look. 

“Long story, but trust me. It’s a term of endearment,” Sydney interjects, from her side of the prep station. 

You chuckle, “She’s a beauty alright. My first fully Japanese knife. Though the steel is a bitch to take care of. That’s for sure.”

“What do you mean?” Tina questions further. 

“Well, it’s just a kind of metal alloy that’s super prone to-,” you start, completing your sentence at the same time as Sydney chimes in.

“Rusting,” you both say in unison, sharing a look. 

“Huh,” Tina sounds, suddenly losing interest. “I don’t get it. It’s more work to take care of? Our shit’s part-plastic and does the job just fine.”

“Oh but she’s so smooth,” you playfully swoon, referring to how beautifully the knife performs for you. 

“It’s all about the performance, T,” Sydney adds. 

Tina hums in response, still unconvinced by you and Sydney’s admiration for the fancy tools. 

“So you and Carmy. How’d you meet Jeff?” Tina inquires further geturing her knife towards Carmy’s expediting station, and eliciting another laugh from you and Sydney.

“Uhhhh… we both worked at the same restaurant in New York. I came in to stage and the competitive jerk tried to smoke me. Thought he could show me it was his territory.”

“Like a little bitch,” Tina teases, the shade evident in her voice.

“And you kicked his ass obviously,” Sydney suggests, hopefully. 

“Mhm,” Tina adds in agreement.

“Oh absolutely,” you answer, deviously. “I walked out with a job that night. Carmy and I are the classic kitchen staff case of… enemies turned good friends.” 

You look up from your station, noticing an exchanged look between Sydney and Tina. 

It’s the kind of look that says, Just friends, huh?

“Alright, alright. Enough with the girl talk, gossip girls. News flash: no one gives a shit about fuckin’ Tom Colicchio and Padma Whatserface over here,” Richie interrupts, referring to the you and Carmy, as he passes by with a few empty storage containers on the way to the dishwashing station. 

“Asshole / Fuck off, Richie,” Sydney and Tina shout back at the same time. 

“Hey! Listen up, everyone! Fire two spaghettis, two short ribs, one chicken,” Carmy calls out to the kitchen. You listen attentively, hearing the chorus of the entire kitchen repeat the order back to him, punctuating the order with a ‘heard.’ 

You smile to yourself, as you enjoy the feeling of falling into such a familiar rhythm. 

You’ve missed working in the kitchen, and you’ve missed working in the kitchen with Carmy. This was so different than any of the bullshit you’ve been through together – even when he is arguing or yelling at someone. It’s not some sterile environment that looks more like a science lab or an operation room than it does a kitchen.

No, this place has soul. 

Between the crass kitchen banter, the less than flattering nicknames, and its wild cast of characters, it’s only day three and you feel right at home. Dinner service flies by and you’re eager to check in with Marcus by the end of the shift. Before taking your apron off, you head over to his corner of the kitchen. 

“Hey, how’s everything going, chef?” you ask, curiously. 

“Good, chef,” he answers proudly. “I got the brioche covered and ready to rise overnight and I prepped the cake donuts so we’re ready to roll tomorrow morning. I went with a blueberry cake donut this time around.” 

“Sounds great. I can’t wait to try it, chef,” you reply. “Need anything from me before I head out for the night?”

“Oh no, uh, I’m almost done here,” Marcus answers, inspiring confidence in his ability. “Just workin’ on a curd for the filling, chef. Just like you taught me.”

“Alright,” you chuckle, tickled by how excited he is. “Have a good night, chef.” You pause, wondering if your words will be totally lost on him. “And make sure you get some rest tonight, okay?” 

He responds with a nod, as you leave his station.

You make your way to the locker area, hanging your apron up, and slipping off your kitchen sneakers, before taking a seat on the bench. It looks like most of the kitchen staff got a head start on you and have already left, or are out of their kitchen clothes and ready to head home. There’s a strange feeling in your heart. You haven’t felt this kind of… community… in a professional kitchen in a long time and you try your best to name what it is you’ve felt was missing. 

“Hey,” you hear a voice say, pulling you from your thoughts. 

“Hey,” you say to Carmy. 

He removes his apron, folding it over his forearm. It sits further down his arm, right near his tattooed hand, you notice, as he leans his side against the lockers. 

“Thanks for jumpin’ in… you know… on the line tonight,” he starts his gaze practically piercing through your soul. 

“Yeah, it’s uh, no problem,” you reply, placing your knife roll and kitchen shoes back into your locker. “I had fun.”

“You uh, you still want to go for that drink?” he asks, shyly. 

You smile. 

“Yeah.”

*

“It’s fucked up,” Carmy shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Oh please. What?” you groan, shooting him a look.

“You’ve been in my city for… what three days now and you already have a hookup at one of the hardest to get into bars here,” Carmy replies, eliciting a laugh from you. 

“Oh my god,” you sigh with a playful eye roll. “I’m a New Yorker, asshole. You know that’s how we do it.” 

He shakes his head again, before locking eyes with you, “You were always better at it than me.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you, Carmen Berzatto, finally admitting that I’m better at something than you? Can you say it again, and I’m just going to-.” you tease, playfully, pulling out your phone as if you’re going to film him saying it. 

“Oh shut up…” he shoots back, gently pushing your phone away from his face. 

“I mean, you could always make friends with anyone. The bodega guy downstairs. The fuckin’ bodega cat. Our favorite butcher? ‘S why we always got the good cuts of meat when we cooked together on our days off.” 

“Which is exactly why I do it,” you point out. 

You had always been so magnetic to him. It’s something that he’s always admired about you – something that always reminded him of Mikey. 

“No, I-, I used to be a regular at this bar when I was working at Gramercy Tavern – actually, I think it closed right before you came to New York. Anyways, found out my favorite bartender moved to Chicago and I sent him a message letting him know I’d be in town. Said he’d get us in even if they were booked up, and,” you gesture towards where the two of you are sitting together, “Et voila!” 

Carmy takes a look around. He hasn’t been in a fine dining establishment since he left New York. It’s as if all the fancy awards and all the dues he’s paid cooking in the best restaurants in the entire world don’t matter anymore. He feels so out of place: the people, the over-the-top cocktails, the overpriced bowls of food called something fancy to justify the high price point. 

��From the kitchen” your bartender had said curtly, a mere few minutes ago. He had placed a few plates in front of the two of you to share that you most certainly didn’t order.

You both had thanked the bartender, before digging into the large bowl of soup, stracciatella, and focaccia bread on the plate. You rip off pieces of bread, dipping them into the salty broth, popping them into your mouth. Carmy’s much more of a gentleman about it, using his spoon to try the soup first. You had only planned on drinking here, but your friend at The Aviary had really come through. You’re sure it doesn’t hurt that you’re here with Carmy, and that these guys definitely know who Carmy is. 

“So…” you start, taking a sip of whatever fizzy strawberry gin thing you’d ordered earlier. “I feel like there are a lot of long stories I’d like to hear.” 

Carmy makes a sound in agreement before taking a sip of his drink. It’s just bourbon on the rocks, and you wonder when he started drinking bourbon like this.

“I mean… we could start here. How the hell are ya?” you ask. 

“I…” he starts, before trailing off. He buries his face in his hands, dragging his fingertips across his forehead. “It’s uh, it’s been a long couple of months. Christ. The restaurant was a goddamn mess, everyone hated my fuckin’ guts. And then Syd showed up and, well, she’s been a big help.” 

You wait a beat before saying, “As much as I want to hear about the restaurant, Carm, I mean how are you doing?”

Your words stop him, and he looks up at you with those baby blue eyes. He takes his time thinking about it, shrugging before muttering something along the lines of, “I’m okay, I guess.”

He’s searching for the right words to explain how the hell he’s even supposed to answer that question.

“I don’t know. Guess I thought if I fixed the restaurant, if I could fix it-. Maybe I could fix him,” he drags out. 

He waits a few beats before finally admitting:

“I miss him. Mikey. And I found out all kinds of shit about him that I-, well, shit I didn’t know. I think-, I think it’s why he kept me away. Why he shut me out.”

You listen as he begins to fill you in: about Mikey, the drugs, the debt he inherited that he now owes to Cicero, how hard it was to win over the kitchen staff that, come hell or high water, weren’t interested in changing their ways. And then he tells you about the meetings he's been going to -- the al-anon meetings. And you begin to understand. While he’s the same old Carmy, this isn’t the exact same Carmy that you knew in New York. The Carmy you knew in New York never would’ve gone to those meetings. He would’ve brushed it off and pretended there wasn’t a problem and taken as much punishment as he could in the kitchen instead of dealing with what he was feeling.

Mikey’s death, and coming home, and this restaurant, it’s all changed him. 

And maybe, just maybe, it’s part of the reason why, after months of no contact, he reached out to you now, but he’s not sure if he should tell you that yet.

You’ve got to give it to him. If anything, he’s exceptionally talented at cutting people out of his life. It’s his M.O – the only thing that’s been consistent in his life – even when those people didn’t deserve it. It’s what he knows to do. It’s something he’s learned… from Mikey, from his dad… 

But this… what he’s telling you, these are stories of connection and community. 

“And Syd’s really helped me pull this shit together. She's kinda like... the glue, y'know? I- I don’t know where we’d be without her,” Carmy concludes.

You agree. Syd is brilliant. You can see just from having been in that kitchen that she’s been the biggest catalyst for the changes — even his.

“I know you only asked me to come for pastry but I’m glad you let me jump in on the line tonight,” you say. “It’s cool to see what you’re doing now and… I don’t know. I know it was a rocky start, but you’ve got something here. Something that could be really, really good, Carm. You’re making real fucking food. Like your mom’s chicken. I haven’t forgotten about that.” 

“How can you remember that?” Carmy asks, a little surprised, his eyes lighting up. He’d almost forgotten that he’d once made it for you while you were both still in New York.

You nod, “Best chicken piccata I’ve had in my life.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Hands down.”

“You know,” you start, a mischievous tone in your voice. “If I recall correctly, you made me some pretty bomb meals back in New York. And didn’t I say something along the lines of you really shining when-?”

“Oh no,” he groans. “Not this again.”

“I’m just saying!” you justify, innocently. “When you cook the food you grew up with, Carm, you’re at your very best. And don’t get me wrong. You’re an exceptional chef, regardless of what you do but-.”

“So what? You’re gonna say ‘I told you so?’” he questions, shooting you a look. 

You shrug, playfully, “I can’t help it if I’m right all the time,” earning an eye roll from him. 

“Especially when it comes to you.”

He’s quiet for a moment, because you do know him. You’ve seen sides of him he’s barely let anyone else see. It feels good and terrifying all at once to be seen this clearly.

“Yeah, well, you always were a little more Mozza than French Laundry, huh?” he shoots back, referencing your difference in preference. While Mozza was more family style, The French Laundry, a restaurant Carmy had worked at once upon a time, was anything but. 

“Yeah. Who knew one day we’d switch places?” you reply, a sadness in your voice. Were you… envious of what Carmy had? Was this what you were looking for?

“So uh, you gonna tell me what the hell happened with the restaurant?” Carmy asked, changing the subject – changing the subject to you. 

You sigh, you raise your drink to your lips, finishing the rest of what’s in the glass in one go. 

“That bad, huh?”

“No!” you’re quick to reply. “Well, yes. But no. But yeah….” 

Carmy flags the bartender down, ordering another round for the two of you. 

You’re not even sure where to begin in regards to the existential crisis of sorts that you’ve been having, so you just tell him what happened. 

“I was juicing blood oranges one day. And-, you know we were going to take the juice and do all that fancy gastronomy shit with it… turn it into like, the same consistency of ‘dew in the early morning’…” you began to explain, quoting what your head pastry chef had said that day.  

“And I’m sitting there thinking… what the hell am I doing? I mean, who eats food like this?! Who wants to eat a drop of blood orange juice that’s been turned into the consistency of dew in the early mornings? Like, why the fuck can’t I just make the best blood orange olive oil cake anyone’s ever had, and that be enough, you know?”

“And. I don’t know. It got me thinking a lot about the kind of food I want to make, and what that would mean, and what does any of this shit even mean? Fast forward to a week later, and I don’t feel like I have a fuckin’ clue about what I want to do with my life and I’m quitting the restaurant.”

You pause, noticing that he’s just been listening attentively this whole time.

“I’m tired, Carm,” you admit. “I mean. I’m burnt the hell out. I just. I don’t want to work this hard for something that- something that I’m not even sure I believe in anymore.”

Another beat. 

“I know it sounds totally insane but-.”

“No! No, it doesn’t,” Carmy interrupts, quick to reassure you, as he reaches for your hand. Your eyes flicker from his hand on yours, the small tattoo above his wrist, then back to him, feeling the loss of body heat as he pulls his hand back only a moment later. 

“I feel like I’ve been thinkin’ about a lot of the same shit,” he admits, empathizing with you. 

“I just feel… kind of lost,” you say, and it’s the first time you’ve said it out loud. “I do. I-, I’ve been feeling really lost lately.”

In all the time he’s known you, never could he have expected you to feel lost. He wondered if he’d just put you on a pedestal. You had always been this stunningly charismatic, charming person that could walk into any room and in minutes, have everyone wrapped around your finger. For so long he denied any feelings for you because he knew you were unattainable – that someone like you could ever want someone like him felt impossible. Wouldn’t you be better off with one of those Wall Street assholes that came into the restaurant all the time – wining and dining their clients with their expensive wristwatches and fancy town cars?

But hearing you say it – that you feel lost – it reminds him that you’re only human too. 

He waits another beat, guilt filling up his throat, before he speaks again. 

“I should’ve been there for you. I’m sorry.”

There’s an earnestness in his voice that makes you want to trust him. Sure, it seems like he’s been apologizing to you for three days straight, but you want to listen. 

You take another sip of your drink. 

“I started volunteering at a Brooklyn community garden so I could like, pull my head out of my ass,” you share with him. 

“Did it help?”

You shrug, “Yeah, a little bit.”

It helped, but it hadn’t fixed anything. You feel like you can confide in him, especially since he told you that he was going to meetings.

“My therapist actually encouraged me to come here,” you confess, gauging his reaction as the words flow from your mouth. “Get out of dodge. Get a change of scenery… give myself some time to think.”

“We both know you do a little too much of that,” he teases gently, and you chuckle. 

Between Carmy’s avoidance, and your neuroses, you’re quite the pairing. 

“Yeah.”

Carmy pauses, not sure if he has the words to give you the explanation you deserve, but he’s going to try. 

“I had… a lot goin’ on. When I got back. And I didn’t know….” He pauses before continuing. “I didn’t know how to do it all at once. How to handle, you know… everything at the same time.”

And it’s just easier to avoid everything – to avoid you, to avoid the way I feel about you, he thinks to himself.

And it’s exactly what he did, he pushed you away, and pushed any and all feelings or thoughts about you into a dark hole, never to be acknowledged ever again. 

Until you quit your job. Until his phone call with Tim. Until his phone call with you. 

“I know, Carm. I know you’re sorry and I appreciate the apology,” you start, taking a breath. “It’s just that-.  I need you to know...” 

You pause, suddenly feeling like you’re in the middle of an anxiety dream where you realize you’re not wearing any pants.

“I need you to know that it hurt. It… it really hurt. Not hearing from you. Being cut out like that.”

“I know,” he admits, remorsefully. “I’m gonna be better. At least I’m trying to be.” 

“I really want to believe that,” you say, softly. 

But I don’t want to get hurt again, you think to yourself.

He looks at you, a soft, shy smile on his face, and it makes you want to take a chance on him. 

Who are you kidding? You’d jump off of a bridge with him if he asked, even if it meant getting hurt all over again.

“Okay?” he asks, hopefully. 

You’re not sure if he’s asking if it’s okay, if you’re okay, if everything is okay between the two of you, and you wonder if he means all three.

“Okay,” you answer, quietly. 

“Okay.”

read: part four

taglist: @lazypeachsoul @bookwormvoyageuse @allthefandomstogether

[cripplecharacters]

Heya, wanted to, first of all, thank you for your work here! It is very educational and deeply appreciated! Secondly I do have a bit of a question regarding the portrayal of a character with facial difference, specifically a visible and rather big scar on the face.

Character context: an adventurer/mercenary lady in a fantasy setting, comes from a culture that puts high value on perfection in all things, looks included, but stays separate from it for a decently lengthy time period as a part of a mercenary company

Scar context: is acquired (?) as a result of a dungeon delving expedition gone wrong early on in the heroine's career, is not a focal point of a stories with said character, but more of a part of a picture and a life journey

Would you say that any of the following would be asking for revisions to make them better and/or exclude something unintentionally offensive? Unless I would note otherwise, story bits would not be major focal points, just something revealed about the character during the Typical Fantasy Adventure Story.

Character initially struggles with having the scar due to the cultural influence, but thanks to the support of the friends from a mercenary company she is a part of (many of whom naturally have various scars of their own) comes to be more neutral toward it and later on adopts a more "this means something tried to kill me really hard, but I was stronger" attitude.

In the same stretch of time character goes from saving up money to hire a restorative magic specialist (to see if scarring can be fully healed or minimized) to discarding the idea and later on refusing an offer of this nature

While character does face some negative reactions to their scar - and especially they intention to don't "have anything done" about it - from some members of their culture, those events are relatively rare and not a major focus point. And the characters behind this are very unambiguously shown to be rude jerks.

Character meets other people of her culture who either do not share/come to drop the perfectionism view regarding to looks, or other people of her culture who have visible scars and other facial differences and therefore both support character and find support in her, if it makes sense?

Character's significant other from the same culture at some point in the relationship, inquires if she would be still looking for a restorative magic specialist, and if she would want help with either references or money, vaguely knowing that she was originally planning to save up for a visit. Receiving a confirmation that these services are no longer of interest to the character he does apologise for assuming before dropping the topic on a note of inquiring if there are any things that would make character more comfortable in their day to day life

If you would require any additional context and/or need to refer to me somehow, let it be Anon with Perfectionist Elves

Hello!

In short, I do like this. It's pretty obvious you thought about this a lot and I appreciate it. Not only does this help me with answering this, but it also just sounds promising in general.

I don't think you need to change anything if you don't want to, this is more in the vein of suggestions re:societal views you can consider;

You mention that the characters who support her do not share the perfectionist views, but I wonder if there would be a second group of people who do have FDs (or other visible disabilities) and still subscribe to that view. If someone grew up believing that physical perfection=good and suddenly stopped being physically perfect, there are two options;

First is the one you already have, reject the concept entirely; physical imperfection=still good.

Second would be to keep the concept and warp it to fit them: physical perfection=good, and I'm still good, meaning that whatever my "imperfection" might be it's still part of what "perfect" can be. You know how some old people who thought the same thing for the past 60 years and suddenly have something challenge that belief will just... make exceptions? I think that some people in that kind of society would do it too. Expanding the definition to fit their expanding worldview.

In real life context of facial differences, you could I guess see it as the difference between "I'm no longer as attractive as I was before, but I'm still a good person deserving respect" and "I'm a good person deserving respect, but I also think I'm still just as attractive as before". There's no wrong or good way to think about it, these are just views people have about themselves. Some people are fine with no longer being seen as conventionally attractive, others will fight tooth and nail to stay in that category, even if the category dislikes them by definition. Humans are weird.

For the significant other being from the same culture, you have a rare opportunity to give him genuine character development from another person's disability. If his partner does something that is pretty "against" what they were both told since they were children, his worldview will shift to some degree.

The main character's facial difference is something she has to "deal with" pretty urgently in this way; it's on her face and affects her public perception, she has to get an opinion on this societal view of "imperfections" fast, and it has to be a positive-to-neutral one if she doesn't want to be miserable with herself. He on the other hand, probably also has some "imperfection" that just isn't as obvious as hers; almost everyone does. Does he have something he maybe hid really deep down because he was afraid to show in fear of negative reaction? Some sort of failure - or "failure" - that maybe the realization of imperfections and "imperfections" not being the end of the world would allow him to process rather than repress. I imagine that if a close one clearly told him - "I don't want to change this, I'm okay with this" - then it could trigger a thought of "hey, maybe my 'this' could be okay too".

This is just my idea on how you can potentially expand on what you already have going on. I think it's an interesting setup, and honestly just sounds like you know what you're doing with it; good luck with writing your story!

mod Sasza

[anovel70]

April/May 2023

April and the beginning of May were busy for me, so I didn't get the time to write up a summary of my April.

In April, I was studying frantically for Exams 6 and 9 because 69 is a funny number. I bought TIA for Exam 6, which will last until November. I thought I could focus more on studying in April, but I was too lazy to study it over Exam 9. Ideally, passing both would be great, but in reality, I have a shot of passing 9.

With my exams, I plan on taking Exam MAS II and 6 in the fall. Then Exam 7 and 8 in 2024, and hopefully my final attempt at exam 9 in 2025. There are extraneous requirements I need to fulfill, which I plan on getting done in 2023 or 2025. I'm halfway done with my exams based on the old syllabus, 5/10, but now its 4/9 because they took out one exam.

In the second week of May, I attended the CAS Spring meeting, which was one of the best conferences I've ever been to. They launched an app for the event so you can view presentation slides and chat with other participants. Everyone there were willing to talk to me and they were all approachable. Some people I met were a little goofy, and I remember one person who I met that didn't really acknowledge me the rest of the meeting, even though I kept running into her and smiling every time I saw her.

I feel like I need a CAS job in order to bond with the meeting participants more. There was one lady who was so nice, she reached out to a coworker to ask about the team working in the Albany area for me to reach out to. Others said that they had openings and were happy to give me a job.

Both jobs are not going great. I've been too busy with exam studying in April and Pokemon training in May to focus on them. While I am able to keep up with anything urgent assigned to me, I'm not focused on the right tasks when no deadline is presented to me. I'm going to use the first few days in June to catch up.

I'm still going to the gym. I've been going a lot in May since taking a break in April. I tried out their Memorial Day Murph and had a good workout. I'm not sure about my friendships with some of the people there. Some of them make it clear they're not interested in talking to me, and others talk to me but they don't necessarily want to keep connections outside of the gym.

Dancing isn't going so well. I'm not making a lot of friends to stay in touch with. However, I'm having fun wearing my cowboy hat.

I ended up buying a Nintendo Switch because there was a limited edition Pokemon design that I could probably sell for a lot of money in the future. Also, I wanted to bond with my Pokemon friends at Pokemon night a little more. They were happy to see me get one and one of them mentioned something about a Pokemon tournament in Hartford. I ended up going and competing in this regional tournament. There, I met people who told me how the overall format worked, I built a Pokemon card deck, and briefly met the person who invited me to this place. He wasn't too receptive in talking to me.

With girls, its still been prostitutes for me. They're more open to my advances than actual girls and that helps me sleep at night. I really want to sleep with the better looking ones, but they're all expensive or fully booked.

Overall, there were a few big things I did in April and May that defined those months. In April, the biggest events was buying a Nintendo Switch and the DPAM staff meeting. In May, the biggest events of the month was CAS Spring Meeting, Hartford Pokemon Regionals, and Memorial Day Murph.

I'm not sure what the big events in June will be. It might just be a PE study month, although I'm going to try to make progress on my Library Expedition. This was something I started in April when I borrowed Pokemon Diamond from the East Greenbush Library. There are 36 libraries to visit at the end of May, I've visited 7. I plan on hitting a few on June 3, also inviting a few friends along. I just need to get this done before July 4, when its harder because of summer hours. I'll have to hit some of the libraries on a Wednesday.

[healpeony]

Love Story

Levi Ackerman x reader

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲; Levi's and Y/n love isn't accepted by many specially Y/n's parents, an Eldian and a Marleyan? a great represention of Persephone's and Hades love.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; profanity, angst, scene of smut (not explicitly described), violence, blood, being called whore (by her mother), homophobia (also used by her mother), spoilers.

Taglist; @icedkoffees

Note; she/her pronouns used for the reader as well as female anatomy. Also I'm using what Isayama said about how Levi would act shy around his crush and him being uncomfortable with sexual intercourse. And I also want to add that I don't know much about what happens when the Marleyans invaded Paradise, and I also added my own thing to help with my plot so this could be call a cannonverse!au.

PERSEPHONE a young women who's innocence was taken from her the moment she was kidnapped by her uncle, who fell in love with her. Despite her mother's (Demeter) attempts to fully get her back right away from the hands of her brother, it was too late that wasn't going to happened not after Hades persuaded Persephone to eat four seeds of pomegranate, which forced someone to have a connection with their captor, making them come back to them.

Each spring time Persephone would be living with her mother on earth, while in winter she was with Hades in the underworld.

Levi was the Persephone to Y/n's Hades, she being the one who used him and their love for each other was the pomegranate making Levi come back to her.

It's ironic how their love story started with y/n getting taken away from Marley, a place she called home.

Even though she wasn't necessarily kidnaped, she was sent away to accomplish a mission in a place called Paradise, she found it ridiculous how it was named that way when that land was full of devils.

Y/n was shipped to Paradise along with the warriors. She was going to infiltrate into the Survey Corps where she would hopefully sabotage every expedition without getting caught.

Her mission was to make sure none of the warriors get too cozy in the foreign place, and to focus on their mission, but it was impossible to do so when all the people who were described as devils, were actually just like them. Humans.

She was older than those kids being 22 when they were still 15, y/n loved them, they were like little siblings to her and it hurt when they lost Marcel, the jaw.

"Oi brat! Stay focused" the voice of her captain took her out of her train of thoughts

Captain Levi, he was called humanity strongest and was also what everyone called their only hope. At first Y/n didn't understood why he needed such a big tittle, but after being in his squad and witnessing him showing his skills and his hatred towards titans, she got why.

"I'm sorry captain" she saluted, which was dismissed by him

"You called what you did back in the kitchen, cleaning?" he asked pointing towards the place he just mentioned "There is dust everywhere, go and clean everything again, I don't want to see any dust in there again. That's where our food is made, you idiot"

Without another word he left, and when she felt like he was out of earshot, she kicked a chair, breaking it. He might be Humanities strongest, but he was soo irritating, so obsessed with cleaning. That's what they always did for the most part of their time.

"there is dust everywhere my ass" she mocked Levi's voice while looking around the kitchen she just finished cleaning minutes ago

She had made sure everything was left without a spot of dust, how in the world did Levi saw dust anywhere.

After she had cleaned the kitchen area, Levi had send her to clean the stables which took a lot of time since he told her to clean alone. It was already sun down when she had finished.

She was exhausted, her clothes were pooled with sweat and glued to her skin making her uncomfortable, she really needed a shower.

"Go take a shower" the sudden voice of the raven man scare the hell out of her

"Fuck Captain!" y/n yelled, putting a hand on her chest as if that would calm her speeding heart beat

"Go now, and then come to eat dinner with us" he continued, the blank stare he gave her when they made eye contact given her chills

"Yes, sir" she saluted, before leaving

The mess hall was well a mess, the cadets eat like animals. The same soup and bread they always eat, Y/n found it extremely annoying how the Military Police get all the meat when the Survey Corps were the ones doing the only brave work inside the walls.

"Y/n if you're not going to eat your soup can I have it?" Sasha asked

Oh, how much she wanted to say no, but she had a reputation to hold and she didn't want the soup anyway.

Y/n faked a smile, (one that everyone thought that was genuine) before saying "of course, Sasha" passing the bowl full of hot soup to the girl

"Thanks!"

Y/n felt how eyes were burning through her skull and turned her head to look down the table, just to see Captain Levi staring at her with a suspicious look in his eyes.

Oh shit, if he in some way found out about who she really was, she was fucked. The young women tried her best to stay seated, but her nerves didn't let her making her stand up.

"I'm exhausted, I think I'm going to sleep"

It wasn't a lie she was tired from all the cleaning, but she didn't want to sleep, she just needed to desperately get out of there.

When she was finally outside, y/n leaned against the wall, sliding down while taking a deep breath.

"You know, it isn't good to fake smile to your friends"

Y/n immediately turn around at the sudden voice of her captain, he did it again, he scared the living shit out of her.

"Captain!, Stop doing that!" her face felt warmer than usual for some reason

Was she blushing?

"Why did you do it? Are you sad?" Levi asked putting down a handkerchief on the ground before sitting next to her, looking over at her examinating her face

"Oh it's just stress" Y/n replied, praying that he would just believe her

"I see.." he turned towards the sky where the moon shined brightly along with the stars

What Y/n thought that would be a awkward silence, turned into a comfortable one. They just stared at the sky above them, it remind Y/n that she had a family waiting for her outside the walls and she was not going to disappoint them by getting comfy with the captain, even though she didn't know what his intentions were.

"I'm going to take a nap" she stood up, and called over her shoulder "Have a good night, captain" before proceeding to walk towards her room

"Good night, cadet..."

Y/n didn't know when it happened, was it when they continued sitting together and looking at the sky in complete silence, or was it when in some of those same nights they spoke more and more about each other's personal life (in none of those conversations she mentioned Marley, but still talked about her family). She didn't remember how her feelings for him changed, but they did.

Right now she was there, in the same spot on the wall with Levi next to her. They were even in first name basics with each other.

The raven man cleared his throat catching her attention, turning her head to the side to look at him she noticed how he was blushing.

"I.. I think is pretty obvious what I feel for— about you by now"

A surprised noice escaped Y/n mouth, she expected to have that talk with him some day, but not today or Levi being so straight forward with the subject.

The women could only nod, her brain still processing what he just said.

"I was wondering, if you felt the same.." his voice dropped to a whisper, while he looked down

"No" she shaked her head, making Levi looked up at her eyes widened with embarrassment at the rejection "Look, Levi.. it's just that I have done terrible things that you're not aware of. You don't want to be with me"

"Then tell me what terrible things you have done and let me be with you after your done" Levi said

"No, Levi you don't understand" tears pooled in her eyes, y/n didn't even remember the last time she had cry "I can't be with you"

"Why? Is it because of the terrible things you have done? Well guess what everybody has their own flaws, everybody in this world is an angel, at least until they get tired of the cruelty in it and let the demons take over" Levi grabbed her face between his hands, wiping the falling tears from her face "I want to be with you, wether you have let your demons take over or not"

Y/n felt the man lean in to place his lips to hers, they stayed pressed together without movement, before Levi pull away and kissed her again this time letting his emotions be known through the kiss.

Passion. Love. Care.

This is a moment in her life she would never forget not even when hers and the warriors mission is over.

Retaking of wall Maria

"I let you. I fucking let you in!"

Levi stood infront of her heartbroken, she told him, now he knew everything..

"Levi-" however she wasn't able to continue speaking since she received a kick right in the face making her fall on her side

She looked at Levi surprised, he had kicked her. Y/n knew she deserved, but it still hurt to have someone you loved hit you.

"You lied about everything didn't you? For what, to get information?" his voice was cracking slightly with each word he said "Was it necessary to use me for your stupid plans?"

"I didn't use you!, What I felt for you was real" y/n said defending her feelings

"I don't even know what is real about you anymore, is Y/n actually your name? Or is it just another lie?"

"It is my name.." she weakly murmured tasting blood in her tongue, she figured that her lip might have been split open from the impact

"Oh good to know"

Sarcasm tried to cover his hurt voice, which actually didn't work, since Y/n could clearly hear his shaky breath and it made her feel soo guilty.

"I hate you"

Those three little words were enough to make her world come crashing down, he hated her. Of course he did, it hurt so much but she had seen this coming, and she still didn't felt ready for it.

"I'm sorry, Levi"

That was all she said to him, before she was grabbed by a titan being controlled by Zeke, taking her away from the place where she meet someone who meant so much to her.

One thing that she was sure of was that

She will never forget Levi Ackerman.

Screams, that was what was heard everywhere. Kids either with their parents or alone were running desperately trying to find shelter, and that broke Y/n's heart.

She was tired of all the fighting, she was tired of pretending to be stronger than she felt. For once she just wanted peace and happiness, something that she didn't quite have the past four years.

How did they got here? That was one of the many questions going through her head, but one that she paid more attention to was the most important

Was he here too?

"There you are, piece of shit."

That voice, it was him. It might have changed, but she could recognize it everywhere, the same voice who used to startle her everytime they saw each other, the voice that bought her comfort, the voice of the man she fell in love with.

It was Levi.

Slowly she proceeded to turn around, the fear for what might happen next running through her veins. She was ready to be killed by him.

Finally she look up and saw the same man she fell in love with, the only change that she saw was the uniform, apart from that he still seem like he had the same height as before and from the look on his face he still had the same temper.

"Nice uniform, I like it" she told him quietly not knowing what to say

Levi scoffed at her statement, taking his blade out. So he was going to kill her.

"You can go ahead and kill me, might as well add another ghost to haunt you"

Did she felt fear? Yes she did, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing it.

"Shut up" that was his response, before he connected his blade with her cheek leaving a long but not deep cut "You're going to come with me"

"I'm not going anywhere!"

The last thing he told her was that he hated her, why would he want her to come back to Paradise?, Was it to use her for information? Or because he missed her? It was stupid to think of the latter question, but she was still hopeful.

"I'm not asking, you brat"

That was the last thing she heard before he knocked her out.

"How could you be with a devil?!"

Her mom's scream hurt her eardrums, Zeke had told them about how she had been in a relationship with a so call devil. That seem like the only thing Zeke could do apart from throwing rocks, snitch.

"You were send there for a reason Y/n! No child of mine should've or should be with one of those devils!"

"Mother, I'm so sorry it's just that it would be easier for me to get the information about them that I wanted"

That was a lie. She loved Levi, even though she didn't get the chance to say it to him. She did, and that feeling wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

Her father stood next to her mother quietly looking at her with disgusts as if she was the trash people get rid of because of the smell, she hated that, it hurt to have your own parents hating on you.

"So what? For a piece of information, you had to go and whore yourself in there?"

Y/n gasped looking at her mom shocked "What? No mother, I didn't do anything like that with him!" she argue

That wasn't a lie, Levi was uncomfortable with sexual intercourse, since his own mother worked in a brothel and he had been the witness of how much that act hurt his mother, he had trusted her enough to tell her that.

"Good, you still have your purity." her mom nodded, before letting out a sigh "At least it wasn't with a women, you would've been completely kicked out of this house young lady"

"Now go take a shower, make sure to wash away every memory in that land while doing so." her mom smiled softly her hand reaching out to touch her cheek, before hugging her "My poor baby, having to live with those devils for so long. Don't worry you're home now, you're safe with us"

What once was her home didn't feel like home anymore, her house was just a place, her home was the person she left behind in Paradise.

Y/n didn't remember how many days have passed or what was going on outside of her cell. She didn't know in what prison she was in, but just a few days ago it had seem like there was a whole damn war going on outside.

She hasn't seen Levi since he put her into the cell, and she was scared that something might have happened to him. She heard the door of the corridor open, Y/n stood up walking towards the bars to see who it was, it was Hange.

"Y/n" Hange nodded at her as if they were saying hi "He said your name, so we think it would be good if you saw him"

"Who are you talking about?" Y/n asking looking at them confused

"Levi"

Her heart immediately speed up, something happened to him. Her anxiety grew each passing second as she took step by step through the halls, Hange having a hold of her arm to make sure she didn't try to run away.

"What happened to him?" Y/n questioned scared for what the answer might be

"Explosion" was all they said, before entering a room that seems to be Levi's, there was only a nurse sitting in a chair probably just there just in case Levi needed something

"Thanks, you can stand outside. We would call if we need you" Hange told the nurse who nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her, but not before throwing Y/n a look of disapproval about her being there.

Y/n ran to Levi's side as soon as the nurse was out, he had bandages in one side of his face, and on his hands. Tears started sliding down the young women's cheek while Hange looked at her with pity, but also cautiously not wanting her to do anything that might hurt Levi.

"Levi.." she whispered, even though

y/n felt bad about disturbing him from his sleep knowing how difficult it was for him to do so, she wanted to hear his voice, reassuring her that he was going to be ok "Everything it's going to be fine, right Hange? Tell him"

“Yeah, I agree with you y/n”

She didn't knew who she was trying to convince herself or Levi, but that didn't matter, because she felt a squeeze in one hand and immediately look down to see that Levi was the one holding it. Y/n look back up to his face seeing how his eye was open and he was staring directly at her.

Y/n smiled "Hey darling, you're okay now" she let out those word between sobs "— I'm sorry for everything Levi, for not telling you where I was really from, for letting you fall in love with me when I knew how it was going to bed. I'm so sorry for every misery that I have put you through"

Levi squeezed her hand again "- 's ok, I f—orgive you" his words came out has a whisper and he struggled to speak but she heard him clearly

Hange watched the scene playing out infront of them, they could see how much those two loved each other. They were like a puzzle, that could figure each other out, knowing each piece of themselves like the back of their hands.

It has been a month and a half exactly since Y/n had seen Levi in the bed witnessing how helpless he looked, she had never seen him like that and wasn't planning to anytime soon, since then she hadn't left his side.

He was currently touching her bare back leaving kisses down her neck, their naked chest pressed together, hot and sweaty.

"Levi..." she moaned softly

This was their first time being intimate, and she didn't want him to feel pressured into anything.

"I know what you're going to say, and I want to how much as you" he said before continuing marking her, claiming her as his

Each move of his hips against hers, reminded her of who she was with. The gentleness in his touch making her forget about the world around them. The softness of his lips against hers taking her breath away.

It wasn't just the pleasure that made Levi take the decision of doing this with her, this was his own way of showing how far he would go just to be with her, to come out of his comfort zone just to shower her with intimate kisses and touches that he and neither would she forget.

“I love you Levi”

Her skin was the canvas, and his lips was the brush painting each part of her body.

“I love you too...”

“You will come back with us immediately young lady!" her mother said trying to remain calm infront of the devils

The rumbling was over, Eren Yeager was killed. Paradise and Marley were allies, but that doesn't mean they have forgiven each other for what each have done. Many Marleyans and Eldians from Marley came to visit out of curiosity, while people from Paradise went to explore the world (if we are talking about visiting the outside world and finding new things as much as possible), but they never want to visit Marley afraid that they might get turn into titans and angry for what those monsters have done to other people.

"I'am old enough to make my own decisions, mother" Y/n had answered, wanting to remain as calm as she could

"His manipulating you isn't he?"

"How dare you!—" Y/n yelled, before regaining her composure, her voice going back to calm but being loud and firm at the same time "I love him, he didn't manipulate me into anything. It's bold of you to assume that, mother"

"We're your family, your place it's with us!"

Some of the Military Police who were there scoffed along with some of the scouts, they have warmed up to Y/n already, but the Marleyans didn't seem to accept that one of themselves loved an Eldian, specially from Paradise.

"You're my family? Then where were you when I needed you the most?, All I needed when I returned to Marley four years ago was my mother!, The one who an illusion of my mind created, a sweet mom who would love me for being her child, and not see me as an object" Y/n couldn't remain calm anymore she needed to let everything out "— The time I spent with him, I got to truly know what comfort was, what being loved and being needed felt like! And you—" with tears in her eyes she turned to her father who was quiet, like he always was "You're so afraid of mom that you don't even dare to speak for yourself!, You did nothing to help your own daughter!, You just watched as she was raised to be something she didn't want to be!"

She spoke out her mind finally letting out those built up words that haunted her, needing to be said "— I thank you for everything though, despite not given me the love that I needed, your own choices took me to where we are now. Without those decisions, I wouldn't have met Levi so I thank you, for what you both did" she smiled at them

Her mom stood there quietly, before turning around and walking towards the door, her father following close behind "Don't bother returning home" was all her father said

"I won't"

She was already home, she was standing next to it. Holding his hand, Levi Ackerman was the safe place she will always and forever need.

“— And they lived happily ever after”

Y/n closed the book, looking at the twins, her daughter and son who had fallen asleep half way through the story.

“Please tell me you didn't read to them the explicit parts”

The voice of her husband scared her and she turned to him, who stood by the door leaning into it.

“Of course not you idiot!”

She stood up turning off the lamp and given both of the children kisses on their head, before going out of the room with Levi.

“I still think we should publish this book” Y/n smirked, a mischievous look in her eyes

“Absolutely not”

Yeah, their Love Story had a happy ending after all.

This was so much fun to write! I wrote 4k words and I'm proud of that! I feel like my writing has improved in the past few days, and this might be one of the works that will show it, and I hope future ones show the progress too! Also I want to punch y/n's mother in the face.

Thank you so much for reading, you can support my work by hitting reblog or liking! But don't repost to other platforms!

[foxymoxynoona]

Absolutely love amended but I just can't see the happy ending man.. Surely there's affection between both of them, they care and want the best for each other, for sure. However it seems to me like there are too many flaws for it to work? With the big fight, we have a clear view of how they work with their defense mechanism under pressure and shock and it's not good. To me, there will always be an imbalance in the relationship, because no matter what, you say dumb shit you don't mean when you're angry and Jungkook will throw in the fact it's his money, his house and etc. while Belle will threaten to leave with the kids. It's bound to happen again, I think. And with Belle traumas, I'm quite sure she might, no matter how in love she falls, keep in the back of her mind the fact that Jungkook did pay for everything, that her situation now could be gone in a breath if Jungkook wanted to. But that could be entirely different once she starts her new job (so happy for her) and save enough money—again, her mind might just be full of 'secure the money so the kids can be safe if Jungkook ever kicks us out'? Unhealthy. So there's definitely a stronger one on the relationship, dependence happening. That's not good to me, if they're always going to come back to that fact at some point. Belle has always been on her toes, ready to leave to keep her kids safe and I don't see her fully trusting Jungkook, no matter what. And Jungkook could definitely question her intentions as time flies—if she loves him or if she's here for the money to keep her kids safe! The foundation is fragile, unstable imo. Also, Jungkook is quite childish at times, even if he does a lot of efforts for Belle. He gets hurt too and say stupid stuff, making her even more insecure. They don't communicate very well, do they? Patricia won't be here forever, they only speak their mind when she comes around. And she pointed out how Jungkook would go for the 'easy' explanation when the real one would just hurt Belle, but that would help her understand him. It's hard to change that too! And I don't agree on people blaming Belle only. They're to blame together, one is not wrong and the other right—they have flaws, on different levels, yeah, but that doesn't make one less important than the other. But sooo many, and some are yet to come into the mess of it all, like the basement thing! It's exhausting for both of them. And I'm sure they love each other but sometimes, love's not enough—sometimes things don't go the way you want it to and that's okay. I could see both of them being exhausted time after time because they don't communicate well and have awful defense mechanisms. I could also see Jungkook stuck in there bc he loved Belle when he was young and he loves to provide and he's like a puppy you know? Like he did her wrong in the past and now he's trying his best to make it right, kind of redemption? Blindsinded maybe, not true love. And Belle stuck in there bc she likes Jungkook, sure, but it's safer for the kids and she'll do anything to keep them safe and Jungkook does just that? Not that she would force herself into it but you know. Yeah. Just my thoughts, love you! ♡

This was really sad to me to read because it seems like such a fatalistic view of marriage and relationships. People just aren't perfect, and marriage puts someone right there in the mud with you when you going through shitty phases, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. You don't have to be a perfect person to be loved or worthy of love. You can love someone at their worst, and I really don't see Isabella or Jungkook being at their worst now. In fact, the opposite, both of them actually feel safe and supported and accepted enough that they're starting to crack open pains and fears they have kept locked up --in some cases their whole lives!-- so that they can finally heal.

There's not really an "ending" in life until you die. There are always new challenges, new opportunities, new opportunities for growth. Does that mean that love and intimacy aren't worth it, that you shouldn't even try until you've reached some impossible place of perfection?

You also don't seem to think they're capable of growth but people are! Some things take years to heal or unlearn, sure, and I'll honestly be expediting some of that growth in the story compared to real life. Maybe that's just a difference in our view of people? I think that people can and do improve if the intent is there, and that intention to be better makes a huge difference. I see the ways Jungkook and Isabella have greatly improved in this story. Just because they aren't done yet doesn't negate all the progress they've made.

I've been married for almost eight years and we are still learning how to communicate, how to live together, how to support each other, and how to understand our own changing needs. Neither me nor my husband are perfect people, and we have had fight much bigger than any Isabella and Jungkook have had, but do I think our marriage isn't worth it? Nah. Even though sometimes we fight over the STUPIDEST fucking stuff. We have grown and changed as people, and it's sometimes been rough, but we've made it work so far. Isabella and Jungkook are just at the very beginning of their relationship and are rapidly learning so much about each other, and rapid growth can be painful, but they’re both invested. Why would that mean it's already time for quits? They haven't even gotten to fighting over fruit left on the counter or how to load the dishwasher or why would you ever NOT immediately clean up the bug you just squashed on the wall or why the fuck no one but me will put the empty toilet paper rolls in the bin THAT IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE and they just line them up on the windowsill... like... wtf?!

You mention the fights as exhausting but you don't seem to be giving fair weight to the joy that they bring each other most of the time. If their relationship was nothing but fighting, that'd be one thing. You do make some good observations about their flaws and struggles! And I could absolutely have written a very tragic story of their marriage based on guilt and obligation and regret. I see so much love and admiration in their interactions though --playfulness and joy and gratitude. You don't see that too?

I guess this made me sad because it just seems like you are suggesting something should get thrown away because it's not perfect, when marriage is really learning about how to love and compromise on the imperfections.

[hinshinotsuki]

🖤 Switched 🖤

***

***

"Hange, no!"

But, despite (F/N)'s endless protests, she still found themselves right outside Erwin's office.

"Name and business." a deep male voice said from within the room.

"It's Hange, and (F/N) and I wanted to show you something unbelievable!"

Silence. But, after just a few seconds, Erwin answered. "Come in."

Hange opened the door and (F/N) was greeted by the sight of the man she feared, who smiled at her like it's nothing.

However, that smile of his reminded her of last night wherein she cried on his arms and positively fell asleep there due to fatigue. As she looked at the man who stood from his chair on the other side of the wooden desk, she couldn't help but feel that the Erwin right now was a completely different version of who she knew way back home. She decided to trust him for now and get this thing over and done with.

"Hange, it's a surprise you didn't just come barging in like always." Erwin said as he went closer to the two of them.

"Well, it's a surprise you didn't show up for breakfast." Hange answered.

"I was finishing the documents on our next sortie to be delivered to the Capital the day after tomorrow."

"Is it finished now?"

"Everything is ready."

(F/N) looked at the two who were casually exchanging conversation like they were not the worst of enemies in the entire city. Well, this is a different world, and two enemies in her world might be the closest of friends here.

Right then, Erwin looked at (F/N), flashing her a bright smile. "How was your day, Miss (F/N)?"

"It's good," (F/N) answered hesitantly. "Thanks."

"Now, about that unbelievable thing you're about to show me?"

"Oh, yes!" Hange said then clasped her hands. She looked at and gestured for her to show Erwin the unbelievable thing. She took the phone from her pocket and handed it to Erwin. He took it curiously and examined it like it was a strange gem or something.

"That is called a cellphone, Erwin. And it can do lots of things!"

"This is a cellphone? I sure never heard of it."

"Of course, you haven't! Since it came from a different world just like our friend here."

Erwin looked at (F/N) suspiciously. Of course, he still thought that she was a lunatic for raving about things last night. Of course, he still didn't believe her after what he just told her last night.

"Yes, I know, I'm a lunatic. Now, if you'll excuse me,..." she said, then took the phone from Erwin's hand, ready to leave the room if it weren't for Hange grabbing her arm. Again.

"Please, (F/N)." pleaded the woman. "You've got to trust him! He only looks like this, but you have to put your faith in him, just like I did to you!"

"Sorry?" Erwin interrupted, clearly offended that Hange just branded him as untrustworthy.

(F/N) sighed and turned around to face the two of them once more. She looked up at Erwin and gave him what she hoped to be a determined look.

"I'll show you I'm not a lunatic." she said, then brought the phone to life, making Erwin astounded just like Hange four hours and thirty minutes ago. Clearly satisfied of the look on Erwin's face, she went to the Videos option and opened one they recorded a while ago. It showed Hange talking and asking questions.

"So, you mentioned a name of a certain place earlier. What was it called again?" Hange on the video asked, making Erwin's eyes widen with both fear and wonder.

"Paradis." a voice that belonged to (F/N) answered, but she's nowhere to be seen because she was the one who was recording the video.

"And what is Paradis?"

"This is what this country is called. Paradis. How come you didn't know about that?"

"You see, we, the people here, are surrounded by three massive Walls - Maria, Rose, and Sina. They were built to protect us from giant human - eating creatures called Titans. We, the Scouts, come out of the Walls in expeditions to find out as much truth about this world as we can. And from what you're saying before, it seems that we're not the only ones here, and that the human race was not as extinct as we thought it was. And they are divided, by different races, by what you call countries?"

"That is correct. And this country is called Paradis."

"Remarkable!" Erwin muttered almost breathlessly, fully entranced by the video.

"And, are there others?"

"Yes. There are hundreds, more than you can count. There is Hizuru of the east, Marley of the west, Arabia on the middle east. just to name a few."

"And where can Paradis be found?"

"About south, but not exactly in Africa. Because, Paradis is just like a small island just above the ring of fire."

"Ring of fire?!"

"No, no, no! Not an exact ring of fire. Countries located in the ring of fire have hot or tropical temperatures. Paradis is almost aligned with Hizuru on the eastern side, so the weather here is not exactly hot or tropical. Hence, the winter season."

"Oh, I see! But, we do have a different kind of Winter Season here, and it is annually celebrated by the wealthy people of Wall Sina. We, higher military officials, do get invited sometimes."

"Oh, tell me, please."

And, just like that, the video went to an end, leaving Erwin speechless and slightly wobbly on the knees.

"So, Erwin, what do you think?" Hange asked after a few moments of silence.

The confused Commander held up a hand and covered his eyes with the other. "I need a moment, please." he said, then went weakly towards his chair, where he almost collapsed.

"Erwin!" Hange quickly went to his side to offer him assistance.

"I'm fine, Hange, thanks." Erwin said and smiled. He looked up at (F/N), who remained rooted to the ground. "The things you just said, are they all true?"

"Positive."

"That we're not the only ones here, and that there are others outside the Walls?"

"In the world where I came from, yes, it's true."

"Where is your proof?" Erwin questioned.

(F/N)'s eyes widened with determination as she opened the mobile data and location functionality of her phone. Knowing in an instant how strangely fast the internet reception here in this world was ( if there's any, at all ) and ignoring it all the same, she went closer to the man and clicked on the World Map option. She showed him a photo of a vast land with hundreds of little writings on it and pointed at the word Trost.

"This is where we are right now." She said, then zoomed out on the screen, making the photo look smaller, and revealing a piece of land surrounded by lots of blue. "This is Paradis Island." she zoomed out once more and showed them multiple patches of land, some big, some small, just like Paradis. "And this is our continent." she was about to zoom out, her fingers ready on the screen, when she decided to give it her all and finally prove to him that she was not crazy. "I'm about to show you the whole globe on this map, would you also like me to show you the galaxy map?"

"Stop! Please,..." Erwin said, holding out a single hand, effectively conveying his lost against his psychological battle with (F/N). "That is enough."

(F/N) withdrew her phone like a gun and took a few steps backwards, letting all of the things she showed the Commander sink in on his confused brain.

After a few moments of silence, Hange finally said something.

"So, Erwin, do you believe me now? I told you she came from another world, and she has proof, which she showed to you. Do you believe her now? Do you now believe that she was an entirely different person?"

"It's hard for me to say this, but yes. I do believe you now." Erwin said, defeated.

"So, you lied to me last night when you said you believe me!" (F/N) argued heatedly.

"No! I - "

For a moment, it seemed that Erwin was full of hesitation, but after a few seconds, he finally had the guts to say what's really on his mind since last night.

"(F/N), I do believe you now, but you have to believe me for what I'm about to say." he began. "You see, you, I mean our (F/N) was really insisting on cancelling our next sortie for an unknown reason. Of course, I have to deny her foolish request. And then, you came along. Or, should I say, Hange found you on that lake, almost dead. I truly believed Levi when he said that you only drowned yourself to gain our attention. But then, you told me your story, about how Levi       cheated on you and that you tried to kill yourself because of that,...

"For your information, (F/N), there really was a breakup. Of you and Levi. But, not like how you described it to be. And then, this,..."

Erwin massaged his temples, unable to accept what was truly happening. "What kind of sorcery is this?"

"Don't ask me that, sir. I don't know how I even ended up here." (F/N) answered.

"But, there must be some kind of gateway from your world to here, right?" Hange suggested. "That lake. They say that the lake was the habitat of the Maiden, and that it is enchanted."

"Maiden?" (F/N) asked curiously.

"The night our (F/N) went missing, it was the night of the celebration of the Maiden of the Lake. Legends say that the Maiden could grant any wish to anyone she consider as worthy. So, the locals celebrate her birthday each year, trying to please the Maiden in order for their wishes to get granted by her."

"But, that was just old wives tale." Erwin added. "There really was no enchanted Maiden to begin with."

"But, maybe there was!" Hange answered in a very positive tone. "And she happened to grant someone's wishes that night."

"And whose wish could that be?" (F/N) asked. "Don't tell me she granted my death wish, because if that's the case, she really messed up big time."

"Not you! Our (F/N)!" Hange said, then grabbed (F/N) by the shoulders. "She was frustrated that her request was denied! I know how spoiled she is sometimes. Maybe she just wished to be someplace else!"

"Hange, if that's the case, then,..." Erwin said, his voice sounding ominous. "Instead of (F/N) here dying, she was  transported to our world for our (F/N) to get to that someplace else you mentioned. That place where she came from."

"Don't tell me,..." Hange breathed helplessly, absorbing all the incredible information.

The two looked at (F/N), and she knew they were thinking what she was thinking right then.

"I think we now know where our (F/N) is." Hange said. "(F/N), she's in your world. You are switched!"

***

🖤🖤🖤

***