#I know you deserve an actual high effort drawing for once but... Idk my mental health just noped out

[federschwinge]

"What, you really like me?"

"Oh Morton, don't act like you didn't notice."

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling diary #8 (my memory is baaad plus some general frustrations and encouragements)

This past week was kinda hmm... nyeeeeh. I wouldn't say I did anything particularly exciting or new or memorable and I was kinda sickly but it wasn't bad bad and that's all that matters ^^ My memory is bad bad baaaaad in other words, same as usual lol

I’ve decided I’m gonna try to write this weeks (or well, last weeks) stuff using the tumblr app this time, I haven't really used it much, but it's been pretty neat so far aka I cba to clear my desk and use the pc. My typo rate is srsly v. high tho and I wanna shorten the words cuz phone typing and effort but I think I actually type about the same speed with my phone as I do on the PC hah... If only I could read back the text and edit stuff easier as I go along though... oh welp. (Whoa phew, I thought I accidentally posted it by accident lulz the app gives a 'it posted' notification when I save it as a draft what even lol)

This weeks counselling app was... pretty alright, though I'm feeling the pressure and the nerves more now because as predicted I am expected to try even more harder with the communication and skill learning stuff for next time and I really arghhh xwx I only just got over the last wall and the next one seems way more difficult to scale... but I think I can do it... I just need to push away the unhelpful thoughts and persist..! >^<

So that sheet about emotions and thoughts I had to do... I only managed to write two small things but it's something at least, we didn't actually look over it this session because we were still looking at the unhelpful behaviour sheet from last last time which was a slight relief but I still have the sheet now and need to fill it by next week xwx

The behaviour we went over was to do with comparing yourself to others and I really can't remember a lot of the things that was said gdi... maybe I'll just bullet point some of the important stuff and the rest will come back to me easier... and so I don't forget even more lol I'm just feeling extra lazy and unmovtivated hahaha.. ugh @v@"

🍰 Every person has their own views on things/their own way of doing or reacting to things and there is no right or wrong way in essence. Like baking a cake, one person may use so and so ingredients and the other such and such or even something that seems pretty unconventional but they both still result in cakes. Another person may prefer the taste of cake 1 over 2 and another person cake 2 over 1. No one is wrong in their choices, it’s just personal preference.

🥞 All professions work together in harmony and are necessary to make up and keep up a society. There is no need to be ashamed of or think lowly of your profession because it is just as important (eg. trash collector people, some people might think lowly of them but without them there would be a mess of vermin and disease etc etc as juxtaposed with another profession like a doctor which is usually thought highly of).

🍕 The only way to break the cycle is by doing. Doing will provide you with the experience and evidence needed to override your negative presumptions and this in turn will allow you to get past the things holding you back and grow. Your beliefs should run on facts and not irrational thoughts which probably hold no truth at all. 

🍔 Like reading a book, you only know as much as you've read (your current and past experiences and beliefs), but there is still so much left to learn and absorb if you push forward and continue. The parts you haven't read yet (future experiences and knowledge etc) may be the positive and powerful parts needed to neutralise and flip back the negative beginning chapters.

🍝 You live in a place where freedom and choice is encouraged and accepted (unlike some other places in the world where people live under strict control), so why would you willingly choose to cage yourself in with all these rules and restrictions..? (T^T Idk why... but I don’t want to no more that’s for sure!)

🍦 Everything you do should be for your own approval and not anyone else’s. It’s your life and your choices, not theirs. Your own opinions matter most and your own wellbeing should be your priority. Do it all for yourself.

🍩 I would really like a doughnut right now, damn. I can’t have any of these foods rn cause of my diet lolol... they’re unhealthy anyways ^^”

These are some really awfully phrased retellings of the stuff the counsellor told me, but that’s basically all I can remember right now but they give very interesting and useful views on things. Normally I would rephrase them even more or not include the examples but w/e I need to stop being so afraid, just get it all down nice and straightforward and truthful! Yeah, I could've just used the actual bullet point formatting but food emoji is much more exciting of course :D I literally can’t think anymore about last week, I’m just so overwhelmed with this week, my head hurts with the mental effort x^x I decided to go back to using the pc, the app is good for brief things only I guess.

In terms of doing something brave or well out of my comfort zone, I walked down a few streets on my own and went to collect some post. It’s something I’ve done before (though not completely on my own) but I still had a hella awkward time at the desk cause the queue was kind of jumbled and idk if the person before me was actually someone that came after, I thought maybe they were an employee and went behind them instead or maybe they skipped in front idk ugh... I really suck at looking and remembering people’s faces sometimes.

If I wanted to go somewhere else on my own my parents would probably not let me go and my dad would lecture me all the safety things even more than usual (seriously, I get the don’t talk to strangers type of line every single time..!). I’m not a child, I shouldn’t have to ask for permission and this time I didn’t ask, I just said where I was going and why and left but if I tried that to go anywhere else then they’d get ruffled. But the main thing is the communication again I guess, as long as they are informed, it’ll lessen the stress and make them more open to me taking my own initiative. 

Like I understand they want me to be safe, it’s what parents do and I obviously don’t want to run into any trouble too, but sometimes being too overprotective and overly cautious means I’m just stuck and can’t grow at all. It just goes to make me even more scared of the world, when I should be out there doing things like everyone else, it sucks. 

I know in parents eyes, their daughters and sons will always be their kids, their babies, but at some point they will see them as adults too and well, that just isn’t happening for me. I haven’t proven myself worthy of the adult title and I also feel I don’t deserve it yet, it seems a long way off still but it feels so ridiculous, but what is age but just a number anyways, everyone goes at different paces. I shouldn’t dwell on this too much and just try my best to prove to myself, yes myself first and foremost, that I can be an adult, I can be responsible and independent at least a little more. I need a better action plan really... besides the vague, get a job, learn to drive, cook etc. idk what else @^@” I’m getting a little ahead of myself with even this though, gotta not forget, take things slow and gradually, baby steps!! ^^

In my other endeavours with art and posting things online, it’s just come to a stand still or gone backwards actually, I’ve just gotten so scared again, I can’t put a pen to paper or even leave a comment on other people’s stuff anymore and it feels really awful, like why can’t I just do it and forget about feeling foolish or judged or inadequate, I keep overthinking again gdi..!! >^< I keep wanting to plan things and have things all perfect and ready instead of just getting things done as I go like other people... damn, I keep saying like other people, constantly comparing myself to them, that’s another reason I’ve gotten scared to try again with anything. 

Gosh, these unhelpful habits are for reals and are the worst, at least I’m more aware of them though, maybe I can fight them back a bit better now that I know how draining and evil they are... Okay! I challenge you unhelpful habits!! Imma throw you in the trash and get my ass moving! You’ve got nothing on me! I can do it!! Ugh... ;^; No no, no sad! Fight fight fight! Go go go! ò^ó

My sis got me a lot of gifts relating to art, she encourages me through this and her kind words and wants me to do well, I want me to do well too and to show my gratitude with action, so imma do well and make a lot of nice arts to be proud of! They don’t have to be perfect! I saw a quote that was something like ‘even the pages on your bad days are better than the ones on the days you did nothing’ (I just totally butchered that lol) or something like that and it was like, damn, that’s true. A little practice even if it’s not serious is better than nothing at all! Okay okay I’m pumped!

The stuff I had to do this week is to help out at the front of the shop, gain some experience and converse with customers..! I already attempted it once for a short time and welp, it was scary but I guess not that bad (also I kinda botched up a phone order maybe) but I keep reading into things too deeply and negatively and it scared me off and now as usual the week is ending and my opportunities to try are limited, need to get my ass in gear, c’mon I can do it! Don’t be afraid, you’re doing well, keep going! ^^”... go go go! ^u^

Maybe I can kill 2 birds with one stone, sit and observe but also draw, space is limited though so idk if it’ll work out but there’s no harm giving it a try I guess. Must not forget to fill in that emotions/thoughts sheet ugh, I should have done it as I actually do stuff but I do things in bad and unconventional ways. Need to break a lot of habits. I downloaded this app that is supposed to help you build new healthy habits, so far all it’s wanted me to do is to drink water when I wake up so I feel more energised lol but I did it and it does help, I wonder if I can build a lot of other good habits too, it certainly makes things feel more fun in a way.

Everyday in my mind I want to look over the days happenings in a more positive light and congratulate myself for all the small things I did that I maybe I wouldn’t have some weeks ago, so I can see how much I actually improved and have put effort in. Even though on the surface it just all seems meh, I want to let myself see how things have actually become a little easier and how the negative thoughts relating to them has begun to affect me less and take up less space in my conscious. Be proud of yourself and all your endeavours, silly!

Hmm, this post is probably shorter than my usual one but oh well, I don’t want to spend too much time rambling or ruminating or being a paralysed perfectionist, I’ve got other bigger fish to fry! And draw and eat omnomnom! Yolo! x3

Okay okay, now I’m going to go do some artsy fartsy stuff or at least have myself set up for it and my conversing/experience gaining challenge hoo! Believe in yourself, you can do it! Let’s go go! :D

Have a lovely evening and keep trying, keep flying! ^^

[super-rainbows]

tnrbevwcwqa

Ethan: I should go to bed soon, right?

Rainbow: yeah. sleep at midnight, maybe. and if we could read Neverworld that would be good, but if not it’s okay, don’t worry.

Ethan: I think it’s hypocritical for them to act like they care now when so many people made it perfectly clear that they didn’t care and it didn’t matter in the slightest.

Rainbow: these are different people.

Ethan: I don’t care! It’s inconsistent and hypocritical! They have no right to just completely change their minds like that! Either it matters or it doesn’t, and we already know it doesn’t! Either I’m worth caring about or I’m not, and we already know a billion times over that I’m not! They can’t just change everything like that! I want to yell at everyone for being better and more important than me. But then I’ll deserve to die.

Rainbow: ... I could do it for you-

Jamie: No.

Ethan: ... Can I yell?

Jamie: Go for it.

Ethan: THEY DON’T MATTER MORE THAN ME! IT’S UNFAIR AND HYPOCRITICAL TO SAY WE CAN’T YELL AT PEOPLE! THEY’RE ALLOWED YELL AT ME IF THEY WANT TO! THEY’RE ALLOWED HAVE FEELINGS AND SAY TRUE THINGS AND BE RIGHT, AND I’M NOT! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR? ALL WE’D BE DOING IS MAKING IT SLIGHTLY MORE EVEN!

Jamie: Morals.

Ethan: Why do they get morals and not me? What the fuck did they do to deserve to be valid and treated well? I bet they aren’t even trying at all! I have to be better than someone, right? Anyone at all? Why do I deserve to be hurt and treated badly and ignored when NOBODY FUCKING ELSE EVER DOES?

Jamie: I’m sorry, niceness. I’m so sorry (sympathy). You can get mad at me if you want, but I’m sticking with this. I forbid either of you to lash out at people.

Rainbow: oh, so that’s your function

Jamie: lol. Maybe, idk.

Rainbow: you really are the “perfect miracle child” :P

Jamie: :P Anyway @.Ethan: It’s okay to be mad. It’s understandable. I get why you want to yell at people. It is unfair that they seem valid and you feel invalid, and that you’ve been hurt and they haven’t, and/or that they were taken seriously and you weren’t. You don’t deserve any of that. You’re just not allowed yell at people.

Ethan: What am I allowed do?

Jamie: What do you want to do?

Ethan: I don’t know.

Jamie: You can write or draw or read stuff or play stuff, or we could watch one or two episodes of Digimon or something.

Ethan: Sorry for taking so long with that. I should probably- I can do that tomorrow, actually. Study gaidhlig. I’m gonna check when and where the gaéilí is supposed to be, since the different emails said completely different things.

Jamie: lol.

Rainbow: oh, btw, thank you both for always standing up for me. I really really appreciate it. <3 __________________.

Jamie: We know.

Rainbow: good :P

Ethan: Oh yeah, isn’t it ironic that I went to cluain mhuire for help with my codeine problem, but instead they were just like “congratulations, you have bpd. if you want help with that, you have to come off codeine yourself. good luck”.

Rainbow: lol. yeah. I mean, it’s not quite like that exactly, but yeah.

Ethan: Still, though. The main point is is that I’m basically back where I started. I went in a big circle and picked up a diagnosis that I don’t really want because I don’t really want to be hated by everyone and never taken seriously.

Rainbow: *high fives* lol. I mean, at least we can be semi-universally hated together?

Ethan: I’d rather not have “this person is a liar, ignore everything they say” on my file.

Rainbow: it might not go like that.

Ethan: It’s BPD, why wouldn’t it? You know how stigmatised of a diagnosis it is. I know NPD and ASPD have it worse, but BPD is up there.

Rainbow: yeah, I know. well, the other people don’t know you have bpd. maybe they’ll help you.

Ethan: I hope so. Anyway, on the bright side, if nobody ever takes me seriously then I can just die. 

Rainbow: ... don’t say that

Ethan: Sorry. 

Rainbow: I know what you meant, but I don’t like hearing you talk about dying.

Ethan: Sorry.

Rainbow: it’s okay, dw.

Ethan: But anyway yeah, it’s hypocritical for the people in cluain mhuire to pretend that they consider me worth caring about. Because it’s been well established that I’m not worth caring about, and they know that, so they’re not fooling anyone and there’s no point pretending. And I don’t know how or why I’m meant to get off codeine.

Rainbow: yeah, they kinda did just leave you back where you started. lol. hopefully the insight matters people will help more, since they’re meant to be trained in addiction and mental illness? as opposed to just being like, “okay, stop taking it now”? lol.

Ethan: Does she just not believe me that the DROP person wasn’t helpful and didn’t believe in mental illness? 

Rainbow: idk. but if insight matters fails, you can always try the other free addiction place.

Ethan: I don’t see the point. They’ll just be like “stop taking it” when it’s not that easy, and presumably also won’t believe me or listen to me, so what’s the point? Why don’t I just never stop taking it and then just never bother with DBT? I’m doing fine right now and I don’t need to crash and burn.

Rainbow: “fine” may be a slight exaggeration.

Ethan: Imagine how much more fucked up I’d be with my main coping mechanism gone.

Rainbow: @.%

Ethan: Yeah, but that’s not as good. It’s a good thing that nobody believes that I could possibly have any kind of @.% problem, since if they did then they might try to stop me doing that, too. I need something to rely on. “Do you ever @.%?” Like really, fuck off. Do I look like I do? And once again, when so many people have just fucking refused to even try to pretend to care in the slightest, she has no right to act like she’s pretending it matters now.

Rainbow: to be fair, you can’t tell that one with appearance.

Ethan: Yeah, I guess. That’s not the point. I don’t even see why I’m bothering to be honest. It’s easier to just not tell them in the first place than tell them and not be believed or taken seriously. But I guess lying is kinda effort, too. Anyway, I should go to bed. Sorry for yelling so much.

Jamie: It’s okay, I understand. It makes sense for you to be upset. The things you are/were upset about are bad and unfair. I am sorry. *hugs*

Rainbow: sleep well. you seem more like yourself right now. it might be the communication method, or idk. goodnight of doom.