#I know this excerpt is breakup talk but I promise there is no breakup

[effervescentwolf]

lights will guide you home

buddie | rated T | 6k

A near future fic where buddie have recently started dating, and chris comes home. Lots of emotional hurt/comfort, established relationship, and kind of a 3+1: aka 3 times eddie says I love you and 1 time buck says it back.

Excerpt:

Buck sighs. “Do you think we should’ve waited?” he asks, shifting his weight a little, restless. “I know you asked, but still, I—I don’t want him to feel like he didn’t have a choice, or to be overwhelmed or anything.”

Eddie thinks it over. “I think it’s okay because he knows if he asked us not to, we wouldn’t.”

Buck’s gone still behind him.

“And if he asked you to break up with me, you would,” Eddie says, very quietly, frowning despite himself at the thought.

Buck exhales. “I don’t know if anything could get me to do that.”

Eddie’s chest feels tight. “You would for him, though?”

Buck doesn’t say anything for a long time. Then, “Yeah. I would.”

[ldrfanatic]

i miss you

theodore nott x reader

yeah this is gonna be angsty.

synopsis - a mini-series where reader and theo break up after a three year relationship and struggle without each other. eventual hea. this is more like excerpts and moments between the two of them than a full story. part two coming soon.

one

1.2k words

song - i miss you, i'm sorry by gracie abrahams

slytherin boys works

"i think we should break up."

you and theo spoke at the same time. both with tears in your eyes. after a three year relationship, neither of you really wanted it to end, both still harboring feelings for each other but after not speaking practically all summer, it seemed like the best option.

"i don't want to make things awkward with our friend group. but outside of group events, i think it's best we don't talk."

the boy in front of you nodded his head silently in agreeance. sobs wracked your body as theodore nott, your now ex-boyfriend pulled you into a strong hug. it felt like your heart was splitting in two. for the past three years, you'd known nothing but theo.

after an eternity, you both stepped apart and you shared a deep kiss. your last kiss. it was salty with the taste of both of your tears.

---

in the weeks that followed, you were the most miserable you'd ever been in your time at hogwarts. keeping your distance from the person who'd not only been your lover, but had become your best friend as well, was the most difficult thing you'd ever had to do.

everything reminded you of him. every path you took seemed to take you to theo. it was like the universe wanted you to suffer.

no less than four weeks after your breakup, word spread quick that marcus flint was planning on asking you out. before, no boy at hogwarts even dared to look in your direction in fear of what theo might do to them. but you supposed that didn't matter now.

you were eating breakfast next to luna. she was a little odd but she'd become an unlikely friend in the aftermath of theo. a dark brown owl that you recognized at the nott family owl dropped a note on the table in front of you. your name was scrawled across the front in handwriting you recognized.

luna placed an encouraging hand on your shoulder as you picked up the note with a shaking grasp. unfolding it, a message had been hastily scribbled.

"i miss you. i know you said that we're not talking, but can i see you? please?"

you looked up and met the intense stare of theo.

a single nod confirmed his request.

---

"how are you?"

you almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the question. given your matching eye bags and teary eyes, neither of you were handling the split well.

"it's not hard to tell, nott. just ask me what you want to know."

theo kicked bitterly at the pebbles beneath his feet.

"i hear flint is planning on asking you to hogsmeade." he spit the words out like he couldn't believe someone was asking you out. the girl who wasn't his anymore.

"you don't have to worry, nott. i still love you. i promise."

"look, i'm not happy with this either, y/n. nothing happened in the way i wanted. but do you have to call me that? I hate it when you call me nott. like i haven't been the guy wiping your tears for three years."

you felt your eyes swelling. not even trying to stop the tears, you cocked your head sideways and pinned theo with a single heartbroken look.

"yes. i do. because i'm scared that if i call you theo, act like we're friends, smile at you and watch you smile at me, that i might never stop crying."

---

two months after your breakup with theo and you still hadn't stopped crying. you knew it would hurt. but this was inexplainable.

after your meeting in the astronomy tower, theo stopped showing up to meals. and classes. in fact, you hadn't seen him leave his dorm since. three weeks passed like a blur and before you knew it, snow was falling.

with christmas around the corner, you began handing out presents to your friends. one in particular sat in the corner of your room. the dark green wrapping paper had stood out noticeably from the silver snowflake wrapping paper you'd used on all the other gifts you'd given this holiday.

you stood across from mattheo, theo's roommate, and held out a folded piece of paper to the boy. mattheo took it, albeit confused.

"what's this?"

"for theo. just... give it to him. please."

mattheo nodded, gave you a quick hug and then scurried off in the direction of the boys' dorms.

---

"i got your note."

the deep voice of theodore nott startled you.

you placed a hand over your heart, having nearly jumped out of your skin. the sight that greeted you was nothing less than gut wrenching. the sweet hopeful boy you once dated was gone. in his place was the hollow shell that he'd been when you first met him, before you started dating.

he was thin and pale, noting to the fact that he'd barely eaten in the past few weeks. where you'd finally started to sleep a little easier at night, theo looked like he hadn't sleep in weeks. years even. if it hadn't been for the familiarity of the warmth of his gaze, you would've sworn this was not theo.

an involuntary gasp escaped you.

"theodore!"

you resisted the inherent urge to begin fussing over him. he watched you with a guarded stare. after a few beats of tense silence, you held the gift out to him.

he eyed it with apprehension.

"i bought it before..."

you didn't finish your sentence. you didn't have to. theo's head tilted back in realization and after a couple pensive breaths, he took the present.

he toyed with it in his hands for a few moments, as if deciding whether or not to open it. he seemed to have made a decision when he undid the white bow you'd carefully tied atop the small box.

inside was a silver chain. it was thick with a small delicate looking circle on the end.

"what is it?"

you chuckled slightly at his bluntness. he'd never been one to beat around the bush.

"it's a muggle thing, i think. my cousin was telling me about it. anyhow, you shine a light through it and, well," you spoke a soft lumos and shined your wand towards the circle. on the wall behind you, a picture appeared.

a young isabella nott was laughing with a young theo at a beach on a beautifully clear day. her smile was bright and contagious even through a picture. it was honestly the happiest you'd ever seen theo in your years of knowing him.

the moment theo saw the picture, he broke down. you really hadn't meant to make him cry.

"i'm sorry. i just wanted you to have it."

you knelt down next to him, and he immediately latched onto you.

"i can't- i can't do this without you. please."

this was the second time that theodore nott had begged you. the look in his eyes was all it took for your resolve to break.

"we fucked up bad, theo." you cooed softly to him as you rocked him through his sobs. "this breakup has tested... everything i thought i knew about myself. but i miss you. so we can talk about it."

---

7.8.2024

<taglist>

@moonlightreader649 @thatdammchickennugget @helendeath @fandom-life-12 @bouquetolegoflowers @maryvibess @nighttimemoonlover @blobsblobician

[kaypeace21]

Lets talk about how these spotify songs confirm byler’s endgame.

Will’s songs

Don’t you forget about me: illustrates Will’s feelings after Mike says they won’t be together for the rest of their lives (but have to get gfs). Love’s “strange” (stranger things). And Will fears change will pull them apart- and as it rains he hopes Mike won’t forget about him/ and questions if Mike will ‘ever love him’. And Mike in the rain (instead of “walking on by?”) calls his name.

“Tell me your troubles and doubts.Giving me everything inside and out and Love’s strange so real in the dark. Think of the tender things that we were working on…Slow change may pull us apart.Don’t you, forget about me.Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.Don’t you, forget about me.Will you stand above me?Look my way, never love me?Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.Down, down, down.Will you recognize me?Call my name or walk on by? rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling. “

“Don’t you try and pretend. It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end.I won’t harm you or touch your defenses-Vanity and security.Don’t you forget about meI’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby .Going to take you apart.I’ll put us back together at heart, baby Don’t you, forget about me.”

( Will physically took them ‘apart’ -from the photo. But in the end it’s also Mike who fears Will will forget about him too. And Will doesn’t harm Mike by picking at his insecurities - like lack of ‘security' in their relationship. But just says the truth that it’s “not possible” to replace him (after he moves). And of course deep down they know they’ll be together in the end. )

upsidedown: Just Will saying he loves Mike and he turns Will ‘insideout” (like the previous song) and “upsidedown”. And he loves him but he’s “crazy’ (cough ‘crazy together’) to think Mike is all his. But no matter what he’ll always love Mike.

“I said, “Upside down, you’re turning me.You’re giving love instinctively.Boy, you turn me inside out .And ‘round and 'round-Upside down…Instinctively, you give to me the love that I need.I cherish the moments with you… no one makes me feel like you do…I know you got charm and appeal.You always play the field.I’m crazy to think you’re all mine.As long as the sun continues to shine.There’s a place in my heart for you, that’s the bottom line.”

here i go again: Will saying he’s “not going to fall in love” ever (like he said in s3) cause he doesn’t want to waste time on Mike. But he keeps backpedalling on the idea and desiring to love Mike for ‘the rest of his days’. Like how Will said he thought they’d never get gfs but play games for the rest of their lives.

“ (verse 3)And here I go again on my own.Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known…Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind.I ain’t wasting no more time . (verse 4)Just another heart in need of rescue- waiting on love’s sweet charity.I’m gonna hold on for the rest of my days'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams (verse 5) And here I go again on my own .Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind I ain’t wasting no more time.BUT here I go again.Here I go again.Here I go again.Ooh baby, ooh yeah.”

Take my breath away: This excerpt speaks for itself that byler is real/endgame after Will moves/s4 and 5. XD

Mike’s songs

Will’s canon Spotify playlist. He ALSO has the song “I’m still standing” by Elton John (who is gay)? Aka cause Mike has a ‘romantic comeback’ with Will XD

I’m still standing’ is a guy bragging about a breakup and now feeling like a kid -lol Mike saying he feels like a 7 y old after the breakup . And moving on -lol it’s mileven).   The album is from “to be continued...” I MEAN, C’mon. That’s , very on the nose for s4 byler happening after mileven XD

‘Your blood, like winter, freezes just like ice” (when El broke up with Mike , “cold as ice” played).”I got a taste of love in a simple way.And if you need to know why I’m still standing.You just fade away.Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.And I’m still standing after all this time.Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”

‘Baby I lied’, also reminds me of the byler fight where Mike insults Will/talks about El and then says to Will “ But, we’re not kids anymore. I mean, what did you think, REALLY?  That we’d never get girlfriends? Sit in my basement and play games for the rest of our lives?” Causing Will to storm off crying- thinking Mike doesn’t even imagine Will being there for the rest of his life (in favor of a girlfriend).And then Mike (although already knowing of his feelings for Will) realizing that it wasn’t a temporary crush/phase- but that he was in love with Will. And only realizing he can’t live without him when Will left. Making it sink it to Mike that he was lying to Will during their fight.

“Did I say that I’d be okay if you said good-bye? And did I promise you I could take it if we were through? And forget about these feelings inside? Baby I lied when I told you I could walk away .Baby I lied…And did I ever tell myself I could always find someone else? Did I say if you left today it’d be no surprise? Did I ever leave any doubt I could hold up if you walked out? I know I told you that I could survive. Baby I lied…And now that I can see you walking out of my life . Saying good-bye, I realize….”

also ‘Love is a battlefield’ (could be recontextualized/interpreted through a que*r lens  given the time period-typical hom*phobia) . Love would be considered a ‘battlefield’. ( The song could be. about 2 people refusing to state their feelings/ holding back from doing anything romantic. Despite both people in the song secretly knowing the other secretly reciprocates mutual romantic feelings)  . But they fear pursuing anything cause society says their love would be ‘wrong’. It also reminds me of s3 byler fight . Both ‘standing’ secretly in ‘heartache’. One character in the song(Mike) being mean to the singer who’s angry and wants to go home (Will). Then after that (Mike/song character) begs the singer (Will) to stay but then is mean to the singer again . So in response (Will/singer) gets annoyed and then asks ‘am I in your way? or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?(s2 byler ref). And the singer could internally question if they made a move on the Mike (/song character) would they be rejected? And like that singer ,Will, also throws Mike’s words in his face by saying he actually did think they’d be together for the rest of their lives without girlfriends (cause he may suspects Mike is full of shit?). The singer pretty much says-when it becomes impossible to ignore your romantic feelings for me - you’ll realize you’ll need me ! The song also emphasizes they’re “young” (kids) and Will/the singer  questions if their love will get  “old” , but quickly decides their love can’t get ‘old’ or die (despite Mike’s lies stating the contrary) * Also saying “no promises” could be a ref to show it’s the opposite of mileven who have the promise line.*Seems like the song is from Will’s pov. 

“We are young.(Heartache to heartache) We stand. No promises(No demands)…We are strong. No one can tell us we’re wrong. Searching our hearts for so long. Both of us knowing, love is a battlefield. You’re begging me to go. Then making me stay. Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me to know : Do I stand in your way?Or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?When I’m losing control.Will you turn me away? And when all this gets old,will it still feel the same?There’s no way this will die. But if we get much closer.I could lose control.And if your heart surrenders-you’ll need me to hold.”

‘Kiss off’ could also be seen through a queer lens aka Mike trying to deny he’s gay but realizing at the end of s3 it’s not a phase. And hopefully learning to accept it in s4.

“I need someone, a person to talk to. Someone who’d care to love. Could it be you?could it be you?Situation gets rough. Then I start to panic. It’s not enough!it’s just a habit! Hey, kid your sick. Well, darling this is it! You can all just kiss off into the air!Behind my back I can see them stare.They’ll hurt me bad . But I won’t mind. They’ll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.” 

El’s songs

 The power of Love is the 1st song that shows El desire to learn about love despite it scaring her and not really understanding her relationship with Mike. (it’s a very heteronormative idea- “I’m your man /i’m your women” so we’ll fall in love). It also shows her more questionable behavior like spying on Mike. (The later songs illustrate mileven falling apart.)

“Even though there may be times it seems I'm far away. Never wonder where I am'.Cause I am always by your side.'Cause I am your lady.And you are my man...We're heading for something.Somewhere I've never been.Sometimes I am frightened.But I'm ready to learn of the Power Of Love.”

  (The second song)Another one bites the dust is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship.

Girls just want to have fun illustrates El’s annoyance with both Hopper controlling her, and Mike (like Hopper trying to control her) and keep her away from the outside world. And just preferring hanging out with Max and not having a romantic relationship.

“ (verse 2)My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?".Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one.But girls, they wanna have fun... (verse 4) Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.I want to be the one to walks in the sun.Oh girls, they wanna have fun.Oh girls just wanna have.That's all they really want. Some fun.”

Don’t tell me lies - (El in s4) saying they’re whole relationship is a lie and she was ‘naive’ to think otherwise.But now she knows her Mike will be with someone else and their relationship was always based on a lie. And she’s ok on her own. “Every move you made before was never meant for real.Over my naivety is this how I should feel?...they'll never ever be another one.Don't tell me lies.Don't tell me lies.Looking back I realize it's always been this way.We must note what has gone and never turn away...Broken loose from indecision.Now I'm alright on my own...I guess I'm alright on my own.”

 I feel like i’ve talked the lying aspect to death but it’s an important element to their relationship.

Mike while apologizing to El at the grocery store never apologizes for lying -despite it being the cause of the breakup . He never apologized for lying cause the love is the lie- like Max said “boyfriends lie ALL THE TIME”. And it’s why the camera panned to Will when Lucas asked why Mike lied to her. And he never answers El’s question of ‘why do you lie?!’ (he just looks up silent and guilt ridden).  In s2, Mike says “i never gave up on you (to El). “ When moments earlier he says to Max “it took her just like it took Bob.” HE’S LYING AGAIN . He thought she was d*ad.Plus he also fought with Hopper in s2 (’about El’) in Will’s room too. He wasn’t actually calling Hopper the liar he was calling himself “a stupid disgusting liar”out of self hate . That scene was foreshadowing his lying to El in s3 (about his feelings for her). He blamed Hopper for his feelings for Will cause he told himself it wouldn’t have escalated if El had been around to ‘fix him’ . “I BLAME YOU! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK. YOU STUPID DISGUSTING liar, liar, liar, liar”.starts crying.

In s3, mike (in Will’s room) did not reciprocate El’s kiss/ or say ‘i love you ‘ back  and had his eyes open while the same exact song plays that robin came out to: called ‘the first i love you’. These are the only times the song plays in s3. The ‘first i love you’ also sounds like ‘the first lie’ - that song played when jancy said they were just friends. it sounds the same cause jancy lied about it not being romantic while mileven lied by saying it was.  

Ugh- why are the tags not working? I guess , please, reblog if the tags continue to act up or else no one will see this.XD

[ororowrites]

Scripted - Yahya x Black OC

Sweet Thang- Chapter 3

One-shot: By the Open Fire

Chapters: 1 2 

Warnings: Language

Word Count: 2,003

Two months later

Candace finished her last night at Dynasty and vowed to never return. She had collected enough money to support the remaining tuition payments, graduation fees and the application fee for Yale’s School of Drama. March had snuck upon her and her application was due in a month for the 2012-2013 school term. The process was daunting because this was the only M.F.A program she planned to apply to and she prayed this wasn’t a mistake. Yale was her dream school and though she was the type to have a plan B, C and Z, she was gambling on her resume and audition tapes.

Yahya had already made one visit to Los Angeles, since he met Candace at Dynasty. He was collecting unemployment and attending acting classes to get more experience to add to his resume. They had talked about his plan moving forward and Yahya was enjoying acting so much, he planned to apply to Yale as well. Candace had convinced him to live a little and follow his heart and talent. Even if his application was denied, he would have the experience and could apply to another program. During their acting class, Candace was surprised by Yahya’s natural talent in theatre. He deeply connected with the scripts and scenarios and she was in awe of how he could change his entire persona to fit the character. Candace wouldn’t admit it, but her attraction to Yahya was growing. Not only was he physically attractive, but his sensitivity and thoughtfulness made him appealing. He was also attracted to Candace and took his time getting to know her, while also respecting her space after her breakup. 

Another acting coach was in town and Yahya made the trip to LA to attend a session with Candace. It had been two weeks since his last visit and he was eager to get into another class and spend time with his friend. They decided to meet at Candace’s apartment and ride to their class together. 

“Do you think this man will make us cry on cue or what,” Candace joked, flipping on her turn signal to take the exit off the expressway. 

“It’s called the Degree of Emotion, I’m sure we’re crying in this class,” Yahya chuckled, scrolling through his email for job postings. Right now, he was living off of unemployment and his savings, he would need a job sooner rather than later. 

“I can’t cry on cue. It takes a bit of coaching to get me there. Hopefully this class can give me some pointers,” Candace revealed. 

Dr. Ben Mayer, renowned acting coach to many in the industry and professor at Julliard, was standing in the middle of the stage when the students arrived. As they walked into the class, he recited an excerpt from the Odyssey. His heavy voice carried throughout the theatre, capturing everyone’s attention before they reached their seats. Yahya grabbed Candace’s hand, helping her down the dark theatre stairs and to the front row. 

“Welcome to the Degree of Emotion. I’m Dr. Ben Mayer, your instructor for today. Please use the first two rows. Don’t be shy, I don’t bite,” the instructor ordered, pointing to the empty seats in front of the stage. “Today, I’ll be working with you on how to convey emotion with your voice, body language and expressions. Many that come into this field think showing emotion is only about crying or showing sadness onscreen or onstage. Emotion is more than that though. Anyone can be trained to cry on cue but what about that makes you feel like the character you’re portraying. Are you stepping into your character’s shoes or simply putting on a hat? Stepping into the shoes is more powerful and more fulfilling than putting on a hat. You walk in shoes and feel them out. So, I’m going to teach you how to do that.” 

For the second half of the class, the group split up into groups of two and practiced different scripts. Dr. Mayer watched each group and offered criticism and advice. Candace was in Yahya’s group and they were supposed to be performing a piece about a couple who hit a rough patch. She felt good about this particular script because of her recent breakup but to her surprise, her performance fell flat for Dr. Mayer. He told her she was wearing a hat instead of stepping into Charlotte’s shoes and she had a lot to work on when it came to emotional acting. 

That criticism stuck with Candace and ate at her for the remainder of the class. The second half of the course was in three weeks, where they would perform their scenes in front of their peers. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Yahya proposed as they walked to a near-by coffee shop. 

“I can handle criticism. It’s being told I don’t convey emotion that bugs me. No instructor has ever said that and here I am trying to get into Yale not conveying enough fuckin’ emotion,” Candace spat between her teeth. Being a perfectionist ended up being her downfall in many things. She believed in being perfect at her crafts, which is how she ended up in extra acting classes outside of her regular theatre courses. “Are my emotions not believable, Yah?” 

“That’s coming from one instructor. We all have different ways of approaching this acting thing. But if you want to work on it, I’m here for a couple of more days. We can practice. No biggie.”

“I don’t know why I’m this bothered about this shit. But I’m going to give his ass emotion next time,” she promised, tossing her curls behind her ear. 

-------

Trinity was out studying with some friends, leaving the apartment free for acting practice and a late brunch. Yahya was on fruit duty, while Candace made waffles and turkey bacon. 

“What do you think is holding you back,” Yahya questioned, glancing over at his acting partner who was concentrating on whisking the lumps out of her pancake mix. 

“Fear of failure. I think too much when it comes to certain scenes and end up closing myself off,” she replied after a few long seconds of silence. “That’s my only explanation. After all that stuff with Maxwell, it got worse, I guess.” 

“I did this class in San Fran and the instructor had us doing meditation before we got to the acting. Maybe you can try that when you have those hard scenes. It helped me because I get too into my own head at times, too,” he offered, wiping his hands on a towel. “For now.... I need you to relax.” 

Once Candace felt Yahya’s strong hands on her shoulders, she could have melted into a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor. He massaged the tense muscles and rested his chin on top of her head. She hummed in relief, leaning back into his big body. 

“Instead of thinking about how you can hide Dr. Mayer’s body, think about how you can prove him wrong. Put all that anger into Charlotte because she needs you in order to come alive.” 

“Okay,” Candace sighed. 

“Let’s try meditation first,” he suggested, leading Candace to the living room. “Try to get you nice and relaxed before we start.” 

They meditated for ten minutes before returning to the kitchen to clear up counter space. 

“Ready?” Yahya nodded towards his scene partner and earned a nervous nod in response. 

Charlotte and Tyreik - TAKE ONE

“You’ve changed, Ty. Changed in ways you may not realize but I see it. Hell, I feel it too. When we supposedly make love and you aren’t present...you fill me up but you feel empty,” Candace spoke, shifting her weight from hip to hip. Playing Charlotte made her nervous for some reason. Maybe it was her own fear of opening up to another man after having her heart stomped to pieces by Maxwell. Like Charlotte, she no longer wanted to be a doormat to anyone, especially the opposite sex. 

“You sure you even know how to feel anymore,” Yahya replied, pretending to cut invisible vegetables on the cutting board. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You can’t stand here and tell me you feel a thing, Char. I’ve been trying to talk to you about our relationship for months. But you’re always busy or too tired. So yeah....I’ve changed.” 

The conversation was similar to one she had with Maxwell, except the roles were reversed. Like Yahya suggested, she dug deeper to find that spark that would turn on the switch. 

“Because you talk at me. Yelling isn’t talking and it won’t get my attention,” she shot back, narrowing her eyes. “And the only reason you’re even talking is because you feel guilty.” 

Yahya slammed his hands against the the cold, marble countertop, causing Candace to flinch. “Are we still stuck on that shit? I apologized, you accepted, it’s done. Stop bringing up old shit to hide your own insecurities.” 

“We.... then why are we pretending this is what we both want? If we’re this unhappy, why are we doing this,” she mumbled, her eyes falling down to her feet. 

“I don’t know. Maybe because we’re both afraid to let go of what’s familiar to us. I’m your first love and you’re my first long time relationship. Hard to let go of something you worked hard to keep going all these years.”

Dig deep, Candace. Thinking back to how she felt about Maxwell and his unborn child, Candace’s eyes began to water. “I want this to work, Ty. I really do,” she sniffed. Yahya’s eyes met hers and he tried to stay in character but he couldn’t hide how proud he was the moment he saw his advice working for Candace.  

“I do too. But you have to let go of shit if you claim you forgive me,” Yahya moved in closer, letting Candace know they were close to the kissing scene. 

“I’ll try,” she offered, her big, brown orbs searching his looking for a hint of Yahya. He rarely broke character, but there was an extra gleam in his eyes. This was the first time they had done anything outside of hugging. Yahya was respecting Candace’s space and allowing her to heal after her recent breakup.

 Her heart beat violently against her chest when Yahya’s cologne flooded her senses. His lips became Candace’s main focus as he closed the space between them and placed his mouth on hers. The kiss was brazen, making Candace’s knees weak. Yahya placed his hands on the counter, caging in Candace’s small frame. His 6′3 frame towered over her, forcing him to duck his head down to deepen the kiss when her tongue slid past his. Since that night at the club, he had been waiting to kiss Candace’s lips. Just as he thought, they were as soft as pillows and the urge to take things to the next level invaded his thoughts.

Heat rose to Candace’s cheeks before spreading down to her belly, meeting the butterflies that were already dancing. Their scripts were long forgotten and they were well past the point of blaming their actions on their characters. Candace’s fingers toyed with the hem of Yahya’s shirt. They were both breathless when they pulled a part and Candace didn’t give Yahya time to catch his thoughts before her lips were back on his, fighting for dominance. Yahya’s shirt ended up on the kitchen floor, exposing his sculpted but slender mid-section. It was dangerous, yet neither one of them stopped it. The sexual tension had been strong from the moment they met and given the current circumstances, it was boiling over. From the slight touches and long gazes, hormones were bound to get them in this predicament. Yahya’s lips left hers and traveled to her neck, where they stayed, creating love bites.

“Do you want me to stop,” he questioned, his baritone causing a vibration between their bodies. The thumping between her ears and thumping between her legs had Candace’s mind swimming in circles. 

Sorry for the wait and short chapter. We will get A LOT more Yahya and Candace in the next one though!

taglist: @blackburnbook @emjayewrites @just-peachee @chaneajoyyy​

[cari373]

Some song analysis:

I think this album is an apology to Karlie. Listen to the lyrics.

In the last great American dynasty, it’s all about Karlie and how Taylor basically is her end game. I know it’s about the actual lady that owned her house too, but there are parallels (jk is an heir, St. Louis, etc), and she ends it with that she, Taylor, ruined everything.

“Betty” is a total apology. Taylor is James (James Taylor), and Karlie is Betty (Karlie Elizabeth (Betty is short for Elizabeth) Kloss). Inez is Joe? (“Can’t believe a word...”) I think that she and Karlie had an understanding of some sort, my guess on this, just from the other songs, is that their understanding was that Karlie and Kushy were getting “married” to be a long term bearding situation for Kaylor to be able to step out more together again (and the bearding was arranged even before Taylor, between Karlie and Kush, so they could cover for each other as I’m fairly sure both are gay). But then, I think, like in the song when James didn’t like her dancing with someone else, that someone else touching her bothered them, and I think Taylor started to get jealous IRL. When she got jealous, she blew up at Karlie and then found her own beard. Even though both know how they feel about each other, in the song, Taylor is admitting that she was wrong and that she understands now that Kush and kk aren’t real. Notice how she breezes right over the talk of the guy Betty was with and wants to go to her party and kiss her, etc? Yup! It’s an apology. She’s saying “I’m sorry. I know he’s nothing. I shouldn’t have hurt you by getting jealous.” She mentions in other songs not being able to leave well enough alone. I think from the start, she knew all of this had to happen between KK and Josh, and she got jealous anyway and it hurt them as a couple deeply. I don’t think just she needed to beard...I think kk did too, and I think kks beard invested a lot of money into her, her career, used certain connections he had to help her early on, etc., and in return, she’s his beard too.

The 1 - this song was probably written during her breakup period with kk. I think she really thought that they could go public at some point, and I think kk has a duty to fulfill to jk first. As a Leo, I can say we are loyal af and when it comes to honor and duty, if she made a promise to him years ago that they would beard for each other, that’s how it’s happening. I think it’s interesting that Taylor didn’t spell out one, she makes it a number. 🤔 not sure why.

August - What a sad song! I think she’s talking about how she recognized that Karlie was never “hers” in the first place (because she was bearding with Josh). She’s recalling the summer, Karlie’s birthday, how she dropped everything for her, and then she had to realize that she was sharing her partner because of the arrangement that Karlie had made before, with JK.

My tears ricochet - Another song summarizing the relationship with KK. Taylor is calling out Karlie. She can go “anywhere I want, but just not home.” Home is Karlie. Karlie is with Josh now (in Taylor’s mind and at this point).

Excerpt:

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace - Taylor fought for what they had

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same - Karlie had to lay down the law. She had to remind Taylor “look, there were things in place before us. It’s painful that I have to remind you of this, but there were and i am true to my word and to any contracts I have with JK.”

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed - Taylor doesn’t accept that. She’s ready, she wants to admit she’s gay/bi and have Karlie with her, but she won’t do it.

You turned into your worst fears - Karlie has turned into someone not genuine. She’s not her true authentic self with Josh. She’s hiding in the fake reality she made. Her biggest fear.

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain - Karlie blames her fully, I mean, Taylor knew what she got herself into. Karlie is devastated too though. She wanted the plan to work.

Crossing out the good years - Before JK and Scooter had teamed up, everything was good. Then came the dark ages. Taylor is referencing this.

Illicit Affairs - This is directly about Kaylor. “You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else” = rainbows. The rest of her “relationships” were the simple black and white of being “straight”. It was all fake, no colors. Just the lyrics...all of it. It’s full on the experience they had.

Peace - I’m torn, because on the one hand, this could be about Toe and how he will never be happy with her, never 100% and never at peace. On the other hand, it could be about Karlie and the fall out again. 🤷‍♀️. I really don’t know.

[anchorsoutatsea]

First I would just like to start off by saying that lyrics are written word, and like with any written word, this is simply my interpretation. With that being said,I found a lot of themes of self growth and overall positivity in The Amazing Devil’s new album. As someone who has always struggled with their mental health, often feeling like I would always be stuck in a vicious cycle, it made me feel so validated. I wanted to share it with you all. 

☾Wild Blue Yonder -”Every stone you threw, I stood on To get a better view” -”Every brick you hurled, I’ll use to build this world” Both of these excerpts follow a very common theme on the album, taking something negative and giving it a positive spin. Despite various obstacles being tossed towards someone in life, they can take those circumstances and build from it, use it to be the foundation for their next journey in life.  

☾ Farewell Wanderlust  -“I promise you I’m not broken I promise you there’s more More to come, more to reach for” There’s more. There’s always more. Even when someone feels like they’re broken beyond repair, feels like there’s nothing more to strive for, there is. There’s always a new thing to reach for, just waiting to be grabbed. -Goodbye to all my darkness, There’s nothing here but light Adieu to all the faceless things that Sleep with me at night” Someone ridding the darkest parts of themselves can be absolutely cathartic. Just openly acknowledging the aspects of themselves that they find flawed, someone can relinquish the hold that it has on them. 

☾Marbles -”You’re not flawed darling, you’re Just a little under-rehearsed” This song is clearly a piece using a narrative of a couple that’s been together for a very long time, and have aged together. Despite being older and experienced, as people we will always be growing, always learning. It doesn’t mean they’re flawed. We have our entire lives to rehearse.

☾Battle Cries -”After summers of fasting I feel Hunger at last  For the person fifteen year old me Would be proud to have known” I can’t speak for everyone, but I know my teenage years were some of the roughest of my entire life. In my twenties, when I was soul searching and trying to discover- no, create myself, and become the person I was meant to be, one of my goals was to be the person that I felt like I needed at that age. I wanted to be the person that I would have been proud of at that age. I feel like this excerpt is especially more powerful after the interview with Joey in which he talked about how he would fifteen year old him would have felt about all the covers (specifically the heavy metal covers) of “Toss a Coin to Your Witcher”. You begin the rest of your life when you become the person your younger self would have been proud of.  -”But the breathing you hear don’t  Mistake it for sighs Don’t you realize they’re just  battle cries dear” This song really fits the theme of putting a positive twist on negativity, and I’m so glad it’s the last track because it really drives it home. People often sigh during times of stress (there’s actually a reason for this!), and therefore often considered a negative response. But battle cries? Battle cries are used to express solidarity and the ideals of someone promoting a cause.  -”And these lines aren’t wrinkles dear heart They’re just dollops of paint on a New work of art” Aging can be scary, it can be discouraging, and it can bring about self consciousness. To take something like wrinkles, something looked at so disdainfully in modern society, and turn it to art both metaphorically, and lyrically in the song? It’s nothing short of poetry. Instead of looking at wrinkles cynically, it looks at them as a new beginning, the beginning of the rest of one’s life. (Similarly, the lyrics “But the creaking you hear in my bones is not pain, it’s applause” also fits this theme) -”We were gods We were kids” This one is fun, because when we’re children, we feel invincible. We don’t think about the fact that death could be right around the corner, or the exact opposite, that we have our whole lives ahead of us. Because of this invincibility complex, we feel like gods. But as we get older, we realize that we were never deities, never invincible. We were just kids. -”I won’t let you turn our last night  into this I’m going to to binge watch a box set, drink wine, reminisce  This isn’t a breakup dear heart, It’s a season finale” Breakups are generally messy. They often lead in heartbreak or bitterness. But it’s a season finale. Not a series finale, a season finale. There isn’t a finality. There’s more to come. It’s not the end. 

And possibly the most poetic thing about The Horror and the Wild is it’s gorgeous parallel to Love Run. The last line in the song “Two Minutes” from Love Run is “Give me two damn minutes and I’ll be fine.” The Horror and the Wild ends in “Battle Cries” with “I’m doing fine.” So, if there’s one thing The Horror and the Wild taught me it’s: I will be fine. I will be fine.  I will be fine. 

Thank you to @joeybateyofficial​, Madeleine Hyland, and every single other wonderful human being that poured their hearts and souls into this absolute work of art. 

[taylorswiftsthighs]

Aftershocks - backstory excerpt

For Swifties talent night, I want to share a part of the novel I’m writing. This is part of a backstory chapter. Main characters are Kat and Riley, this is from Kat’s POV. Enjoy! ----- Three weeks after her concert, we were hanging out at her apartment, watching some cheesy movie that I don’t even remember because I wasn’t paying attention. We were deep in conversation about her ex-boyfriend, something that I have got to admit was hard for me as my crush on her had only deepened the closer we became. I knew I would never step across that line though, being her friend was more than enough for me, and my crush would subside. Either way, hearing about Adam always made my blood boil. He hadn’t treated her very well; that was probably what made me see red. At some point in the conversation I picked up on her mood shifting. She was still talking, still allowing herself to unload some of that pain she had been carrying around related to that breakup, but somehow she was simultaneously more quiet, allowing longer periods of time go past in between every time she spoke. She stared into her hands for so long that I was starting to get worried about her. “Hey,” I said, putting my hand on her arm, “we don’t have to keep talking about this, we can find something happier.” She looked up at me. When her eyes met mine I realized she was crying, a few tears running down her face. “I’m pregnant.” “Oh.” Immediately I felt out of place. How was I supposed to react to this? I knew it had to be Adam’s, so did she want me to be concerned for her? Encouraging? I had no idea. When she didn’t say anything else, I had to ask. “Does he know?” She nodded her head. “Yeah. I had just found out when he broke up with me. He wasn’t happy about it, accused me of having slept around even though he knew this was his. I think he just wanted to ruin me, embarrass me in front of the entire world when he broke it off and made it into a shit-show.” I rubbed her back gently with one hand. “I’m so sorry that he did that to you. Do you want to keep it?” “I don’t know,” she whispered. “Everything is so messed up. I…” I hugged her. I didn’t know what else I could really do so I just held her as she cried into my shoulder. The shaking and sobbing subsided after a while, but I continued holding her until she made signs of wanting to be let loose. Sniffling, she sat up and wiped her face on the back of her hands before she sighed loudly. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to go all weepy on you.” “Don’t worry about it,” I replied, “I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me me that.” “Yeah… me too,” she said, a small smile forming on her face. There was something about the way she looked at me at that moment. I didn’t know what it was but it intrigued me. It was electrifying, like something unspoken suddenly passed between us that I had no conscious recollection of, and before I knew it her soft lips were suddenly on mine. Her hands quickly followed and I was dumbstruck by it all. I know I made some kind of a response, my lips certainly kissed her back, and the way I remember it my arms wrapped themselves around her again without my brain really knowing about it. It was over quickly. She was the one who pulled away; my mind was too blown away to think about doing anything at all, and immediately she started apologizing. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I don’t… I’m really sorry, I don’t even, I didn’t… I’m so sorry. God, I always ruin everything.” The words kept falling out of her in an endless rant. I was coming out of my daze enough to attempt to calm her down. “Hey, it’s okay. It was just a kiss, nothing wrong with that. You haven’t ruined anything.” I didn’t quite manage to reassure her that it was okay because twenty minutes later I was on my way home. She had excused herself saying she felt sick and wanted to be alone, and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was so I packed my things and left. On the outside I was understanding and calm, on the inside I was freaking out. For the first time I dared getting my hopes up just a little bit. The next morning I sent her a text to invite her over for lunch. I was afraid she would pull away from me, or worse, think I was pulling away from her if I didn’t invite her over first, and so I decided to do what I could to prevent that. I could tell from her response that she was hesitant, probably still feeling embarrassed about the night before, but she said yes. At this point in time I hadn’t disclosed to her that I was a lesbian. I wasn’t closeted by any means but there had never been a good time to tell her, nor a reason to, at least up until now. She showed up at my house a little early and paced around in my apartment, fiddling with her fingers as she looked anxiously from one photograph on my wall to another, while I finished making our lunch. “I’m really sorry about last night,” she said as I was putting our plates onto the table. “It shouldn’t have happened, I was just feeling sa…” “Let me stop you right there,” I interrupted her and urged her to sit down. “You really don’t have to apologize for that again.” “But I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.” “It really won’t do that, I promise.” I smiled at her. “Look, I haven’t told you this before but I’m gay. I really don’t mind what happened last night.” “You’re… okay, wow. That makes this a little easier.” “I thought it would. Now, I would very much like for us to talk about this. Truthfully, with no excuses and no fears. Okay?” We talked for hours that day too. What was meant to be a lunch date only turned into dinner, and eventually she asked if she could stay the night. Over the course of the day, layer by layer, she opened up to me about her sexuality, about her childhood, her mother’s death and her father’s abandonment of her shortly thereafter. She described her years of loneliness and questioning her sexuality in high school with such detail I had goosebumps and was left with an intense need to protect her. That night in bed, as she was lying close to me, seeking comfort, I was the one who kissed her.

[cooolvibe]

an excerpt about a love story from a girl whose heart got broken.

hello, just thought i’d share this in hopes that there are people out there who have gotten their hearts broken, but never got the closure they wished.

it all started one summer, going through dating apps and just swiping my way through what it seemed like just another night where i would swipe right on men who i find attractive. not looking for anything serious, but just because summer started and might as well have some fun right? made a match, with an individual who happened to go to the same high school as me. i remembered who he was, as i had multiple classes with him. realizing how we all “glow up” from our awkward and fetus high school stage, we had matched. im assuming since we had matched, he had obviously found some part of me attractive or appealing. he messaged me, saying it was long time no see. we hit it off, messaging every day, and he happened to be a really nice person to talk to. about a month went by, i finally got the courage to ask him to hang out (personally, i did not think our talking stage would last, as i did not think i would become more interested in this man). we did, and it was so nerve-wrecking. it wasn’t just meeting some random stranger, it was meeting an individual who i had “known” or “existed” for roughly ten years, but never had a conversation other than “did you do the homework?” me, being so nervous to meet this man, decided to bring my friends over a couple hours before i was supposed to meet him and get me a little drunk (because that is the PERFECT excuse to sound flirty and stupid, right?) we hang out late at night, talk for HOURS, obviously leading into making out and hooking up. i assumed this was going to happen (as i wanted it to), but i had thought that if we hooked up, it would just lead into the “friends with benefits” zone and would not continue any further. however, i was leaving for japan about a week after we hung out, so we met up a couple more times before i left. my month long stay in japan would determine whether i truly had feelings for this person, or it would die off. he tells me to be safe, and i clearly remember the one thing he said to me before i parted with him on our last hangout, and it was “there aren’t any cute guys over there, right?” clearly, i blushed, as in my head i thought that was the most adorable thing any man has ever said to me. i am in japan, and we text basically everyday, and he would call me every weekend. i told him he didn’t have to call me if the time zone was too much for him (los angeles and tokyo is about a 16 hour difference), but he would still call, saying he would want to hear my voice. about half way through my stay in japan, my best friend who was back in la texted me she and her bae are finally official, realizing, am i starting to have feelings for this person? the time comes where i come back to la, and we meet up on campus on the very first day of school (we also happened to go to the same university, crazy right? did not even know). the week i came back, school had started but i also had a vegas trip planned that weekend. he couldn’t go, but told me to have fun because it was for my 21st. some rough things happened that weekend which later became a pinnacle fallout of some close friends of mine, but this man had gave me hope in continuing to look forward to life. we started becoming exclusive, eventually dating, eventually him becoming my boyfriend. we went on countless dates, got drunk together multiple times, even went to a festival together and did some questionable things (sry mom), but i had never been more happy in my life to have a boyfriend. i adored him so much, and all of my friends could see it as well. our fourth year in college, my friends had never seen me this happy with a person to call mine. i had never taken relationships seriously, as i have had trust issues ever since my years in high school after an experience that still haunts me to this day. my friends would tell me the way he looked at me was like nothing they had ever seen, and he truly loved to be with me and adored my presence. the name callings like “babe” and “baby” had become second nature, as i truly, for once, had a special someone to call my home. however, this had all ended when one day, we scheduled to meet up at starbucks to do homework like we always do. he would usually pick me up, and vise versa, but this particular day he said he would meet me there as he had errands to run. not thinking anything of it, i told him i would meet him there. it was that moment, where i saw him in the parking lot, not realizing that was the last kiss i would ever give him. he broke up with me, saying he couldn’t continue anymore. confused beyond wonder, i asked if we could talk about it, but he refused saying there was nothing more to talk about. that night, i couldn’t even cry as i was confused more than sad. i called my close friend, and i went to her house. we talked, and then i called my best friend and went to her house. she assured that there was most likely something that happened to him personally that he just could not tell you about. trying to believe that he would come back, i texted him asking if there was something he needed to talk about i will always be here, that i did not want to give up on us so easily. he assured me he was fine, as he just simply did not have feelings for me anymore. the day after our breakup is when it all hit me at once, as i could not stop crying. days on end i would wake up sobbing, and cry myself to sleep. anyone who would ask if i was okay, i would immediately break down into tears. in this moment, i had experienced my true first heart break. especially at an age of 21, i am an adult, and i did not believe our romance was a “high school sweetheart romcom.” i was truly devastated, heartbroken, confused, depressed, and over all shattered. my friends were amazing and comforted me, but there was still a scar in my heart that could not heal. unfortunately, i had gone out with friends that weekend and got insanely drunk that my phone got stolen too. (ladies, please be aware when you are drinking your sorrows away, it really does happen in times like this). what was the most conflicting was that since the time we had talked, to the point of our breakup was only roughly six months. however, one of my other closest friends reassured me that,  “time does not measure the love you guys had. it could have been 6 years, and some people will still become heartbroken. whatever bond the two of you created was real, and everyone, including yourself knows that.” those next couple of months were ridiculously rough. having to go back to a life where i had to wake up every morning knowing he isn’t to call my home, or my own anymore. however, as time went by, it became gradually easier to not think of him. despite never getting the closure i wanted, i was slowly able to forgive myself of guilt, as stop asking myself “if i was ever enough.” at the beginning of the breakup, i would constantly question myself whether he truly loved me or not. however, as time went on, i started to believe that he really did make an effort to love me, and be with me, and make me happy. flash forward to the day i am writing this, which is roughly a year since the time that marks the start of our beautiful relationship, and about half a year since the tragedy that has changed to the person i am now. i will say i am not 100% fully over him, however, time has truly taken effect in the healing process. i would not be able to tell my past self i am doing this well right now. my past self would definitely not have believed me. maybe i will never get over him truly, as he will always have a special place in my heart no matter what. he is the man who opened a new door in my life, and created a new chapter of my life with me. i stumbled upon a side of me that i never knew even existed, and i will forever cherish the memories i spent with him. despite not being with him anymore, i truly wish he accomplishes all the dreams he told me about, and finds happiness and love again. i know that one day, he is going to make someone feel like the most luckiest and happiest girl in the world, as thats how he made me feel, and i can not thank him enough for the seemingly beautiful experience of a relationship i got with him.

for what i learned: despite not getting the closure i wanted, i was able to accept the reality in which i had faced. do not wish bad things upon someone you would give your world to. because, before the relationship ended, you know that you were falling in love and wished this love would never end. despite love failing, you will learn to love again. a broken heart truly is painful, as i have felt it. emotionally and physically, a broken heart aches. rather than viewing the relationship in a negative way, view it as a learning experience, an aspect of growing as an individual. you learned what you want in a person, and now you know how you act with your significant other. those memories you created, despite them being in the past, will always be a chapter of your life. you are blessed to feel these emotions, but they do not attach to a single soul. the construct of love can be held among different individuals. i know its hard to believe that you will never love again, but i promise, you will find that ray of sunshine and happiness in another person. it will take time, and the road to recovery will be painful. as if you’re picking up broken pieces of an object and slowly trying to put it back together, but you will find another way to mold it back. you will heal, you will find happiness, and you will love again. time heals all, and never lose hope in finding love. there is going to be someone out there who will love you just as much as the person you’re trying to forget did. you will then realize that you have made it, you have truly healed, and becoming a person you thought that could never cease to exist.

[margridarnauds]

Hello, I'm a fan of the musical Marie Antoinette. I'm enjoying your fanfic. Maybe you don't write the "A Brace of Snakes" series anymore? I'm love your writing and waiting because I'm curious about the following. (It's okay to read English, but I'm not used to writing, so I used a translator. If my sentence is rude, forgive me.)

You're not bothering me at all! (And the English translator actually worked very well.) Thank you very much, I'm incredibly honored that you love it so much!

It's still going to be updated! I love those two too much to not do anything with them -- With Brace, I have the entire plot mostly sketched out, right up to the ending (the ending is actually already written -- it was one of the first scenes I wrote), and I have some vague plans for that universe up until about the 1830s or thereabouts. The fic as it stands on AO3 is currently at about 9,396 words -- The WIP in my GDocs is currently standing at about 19,940, about 58 pages, and I have about 2-3 other fics set in that universe that are also pretty big and that have never been published. There's a lot of work to be done, and there are a couple of older fics of mine that I also owe endings to now that I'm writing regularly again, but it's in a really good place. Margrid and Orléans are really, really important to me as a ship (I love my parents, even and especially when they fight and nearly tear down the country during their very bad, public breakup -- the recent Korean proshot nearly BROKE ME during the trial scene); they're probably still one of my biggest ships and I can't really see a time where I'm not writing for them in some way or another, and Brace was actually really good for me since it let me get out a lot of how I thought that dynamic worked and how it happened.

The next chapter's been tricky to write because we're going to see them taking a big step forward, and then we start going into the timeline of the musical and the Affair of the Diamond Necklace in the chapter after it, so I want to make sure it's really well developed and well written before I publish it.

Incidentally, if you ever want to talk to me about the musical -- any part of the musical, not just about them -- feel free to message me; I promise I don't bite and I'm always willing to talk.

An excerpt from the planned sixth chapter, as an apology for the wait:

“You know,” Hébert says, conversationally, as if he’s discussing some droll fact like that the sun is bright that day or he secretly has three testicles, “I’m a nice fellow.”  

Margrid doesn’t laugh. 

Margrid doesn’t snort. 

Margrid cackles, in a way that she can only compare to a rabid monkey, if she’d ever been allowed to see a rabid monkey in person. (Agnés said no when she asked, crushing her heart which, when she thinks about it now, really was good preparation for the rest of her childhood.) 

“I’m serious!” Hébert continues. 

“I know!” Margrid wipes the tears off of her eyes. “That’s why I’m laughing.” 

 The man can go barely five seconds without eyeing her up like a dog eyeing a piece of meat in a butcher’s window, but, hey, he’s nice. He can’t let her get so much as a word in edgewise without trying to tell her what she really thinks, but, hey, he’s nice. 

 “Consider this:” Hébert wags a finger, like that will make her take him seriously, “I’d be willing to take you on, even after Orléans has had his fun with you.” 

That sobers her up, though not for the reasons he wants it to. “Orléans? What about him?” 

Hébert looks out into the street, waiting, a bit like a turtle poking its head out of its shell, to see whether anyone’s watching, and then leans over to her, hissing, “Don’t play stupid.” 

“No, that’s your job,” Margrid replies. 

“Everyone knows you’re fucking him.”  

She cackles. “Orléans? Him?” 

“He has a reputation.” “Don’t I know it! I can’t go two days without hearing something new.” 

“Margrid-” 

“Hey!” Margrid brandishes the cantine towards him. She doesn’t think that a man’s ever been killed via a canteen hitting them in the face, but there’s no better time to try. “I’m not fucking him. And I’m not going to fuck him.” “So long as you remember that.” Hébert mutters as he walks off. 

“Oh, fuck off.” She returns to her water, only to find, as she tilts it to her lips again for one last sip, that it’s totally drained. Fucking Hébert. She doesn’t know how it’s his fault, but it is. 

Orléans. Everyone thinks she’s fucking- She doesn’t like him.

[ayearofpike]

The Blind Mirror

Tom Doherty Associates, 2003 390 pages, 30 chapters ISBN 0-812-53882-X LOC: PS3566.I486 B55 2003 OCLC: 51553156 Released May 1, 2003 (per B&N)

The dead woman on the beach is in the exact spot where David Lennon’s girlfriend broke up with him two months ago, before he left on business to New York. He is positive he wouldn’t have killed her, but it’s disconcerting that he doesn’t remember anything about that night. But as the events unravel, and as he learns more about who she was and where she came from, he starts to remember things he shouldn’t. Things only she could have known, that she never told him.

Pike is back, after a long absence! I know, it’s only been a couple of days for us here at A Year of Pike, but it’s important to remember the context that this book emerged into. The Blind Mirror’s mass-market paperback appeared nearly five years after the end of the Simon & Schuster years, when we were maybe starting to despair of ever seeing Pike again — or maybe even had forgotten about him as a contemporary writer. A lot can happen in five years to change your audience: personally, I graduated college, spent a year working overseas, got married, found a job that I thought would become my career, lost that job, and started working at another one better suited to my skill set (spoiler: that one also didn’t last, but it was less my fault).

So it was probably smart of Pike to take a little step away from his roots. It was maybe also necessary, given the shift in the YA market and what was expected of authors. No longer can you crank out sloppy half-hearted low-stakes stories every three months, not with the Harry Potter renaissance in full swing. He’d try his hand at a series aimed at younger readers about a magical child entering her birthright world in order to save it (we’ll get there), but first he’s finally given us one of those titles promised in The Listeners so many years ago.

And whoa, this one is a doozy. Talk about a tonal shift from Spooksville: sex, murder, profanity, Satanism, drugs, lesbians, statutory rape, illegal organ harvesting. Gone are the cutesy demons and teenybopper romantic tension that I’ve spent the last month powering through, replaced with some heavy shit. This is clearly something that Pike’s wanted to do for a while, and obviously it was going to have to come under Tor because there was no way his old YA contract would have let him go this dark. 

I do wonder a couple of things, though, about the creation of The Blind Mirror: 

How similar is this book to his original vision? Like, there are huge excerpts of another novel throughout, a vampire book for which David has been hired to paint the cover art. But the novel-within-the-novel smacks more of Pike as we know him than The Blind Mirror proper. If he was writing this in 1994, as indicated by the marketing copy in his last adult novel, it seems like maybe the excerpts are what he was writing at the time, which would jibe with his love for Sita and his reluctance to let her go.

Why did it take so long for this thing to come out? Why now? I can only speculate, absent any direct confirmation from the man himself. Maybe he’s addressed this in his Facebook posts, but I don’t have the time or patience right now to research it. However, one thing gives me pause: the dedication, “For Abir.” He has often mentioned Abir as a partner in his recent posts, someone who was a fan but has also been a devoted love and still is today. My educated guess is that he met this person and it turned into a real relationship, which helped him recenter and start working again after what might have been the end of a career. After all, writers don’t just stop having ideas and compulsions, but the market’s shift and subsequent dismissal of the genre that Pike was used to working in might have soured him on trying to be heard — until Abir, anyway.

So enough metatext — let’s get into the summary. David wakes up on a plane returning to southern California from a two-month visit to New York. He’s been looking for some commercial cover work, and has scored a contract with a publisher for their hot new book, The Last Vampire Vampire of the Heart. His neighbor on the plane is a chatty sort, a man who boasts of his abilities at organ transplants and who is coming into LA for a conference (he’s based out of Miami). Why does this dude matter, you ask? Wait for it! (Pike has at least gotten better at not leaving Chekhov’s gun unfired with his long layoff.)

David drives back home, to Spooksville Lompoc, a little nowheresville that is hard to get out of and so people generally don’t. But he doesn’t go home right away — some compulsion drives him back to the beach where he and his girlfriend ended, under mysterious circumstances. This is where he finds the body, and ends up talking with the sheriff about it. But for some reason, he’s less than straightforward with a legal authority whom David has known for his entire life. He feels that he’s being accused of murder even though he didn’t do anything, but because of that he keeps some details about his ex and her history to himself. Now for sure, he doesn’t know all of it ... we learn as we go that she hasn’t actually told him too much about herself. But why wouldn’t you, a white adult male who is truly innocent of any wrongdoing, tell the police everything you knew? Suspicious.

He goes to get a bite to eat and runs into a girl from high school. Julie Stevens was the hot cheerleader who never had time for anybody but herself, but now all of a sudden she is interested in getting to know David better. She’s just had a bad breakup and lost her job, and maybe David is a rebound, but he’s surprisingly OK with that, interested even, never mind that Julie has always been a stuck-up jerk with her head up her own ass. So they set up a date and then David ends up at the church, where the reverend has long been a kind of father figure and advisor to him. In fact, seven years ago he rescued the reverend’s young daughter from drowning, and he’s the one person David talked to about going to New York before he left. They talk for a minute, he chats a bit with the town drug dealer (whose name, no shit, is Herb) who is mowing the lawn for some reason, and then David finally goes home to check his messages.

There are three: his mom, Julie — and his ex. She’s feeling guilty about the breakup and wants to try to reconcile. David has mixed feelings: she broke his heart, but he’s still in love with her. But he doesn’t have a way to call her back, so he settles in with the vampire book to try to figure out what he’s going to paint. It’s an unusual story, about a vampire created by an alchemist who is no longer happy or satisfied feeding as she has for twenty-five thousand years, but before he can get too far in Julie shows up for their date. Pretty normal, as far as grown-up dates go: a movie, dinner, tequila shots, and hours and hours of fucking. Which, again, surprise considering she’s never previously given David the time of day (and his friend seems to think that Julie is a lesbian), but rebounds I guess.

David wakes up to a horrible headache, an empty bed, and a ringing phone. It’s Sienna, calling from the airport in her hometown, which is ... uhm ... New York. She wants to know if she should come back to California, and David says yes. Then there’s a knock on his door, and it’s the sheriff, who needs David to go down to the station to talk to an FBI agent. It seems that the dead body has been killed in a way that indicates ritual sacrifice, and that requires federal intervention. The agent is likewise suspicious of David’s story, not least because he can’t seem to remember how or when she left the beach, considering they drove there together and he left alone. He asks if David has ever heard of an organization called LESS, and it doesn’t ring a bell, but he’s willing to play the message from his ex on his answering machine for the cops, so they can hear that she’s called him and isn’t dead and rotting on the beach.

Only the message is gone. His machine has somehow come unplugged, which erases the memory automatically. So now the sheriff wants him to go along to the ex’s house in Santa Barbara, so he can try to find some physical DNA evidence that might tie the body to the girl who lived in this house. On the way, they talk about old friends of David’s, a couple who killed themselves in high school — the girl’s face was ruined in a fire and she was so proud of her looks, and once she was gone the boy shot himself in the mouth. This has never sat right with David, because he could never picture these friends wanting to end their lives. But the sheriff is pretty inflexible, although he does recall a car leaving the area where the boy’s body was found in a parking lot. They find some hairs, and David passes out in the bathroom, where he was first intimate with the girl, which still smells like her hair. Post-traumatic stress, right? Maybe. 

Back in Lompoc, David finds himself wandering his old haunts and thinking about his friends. He winds up at the boy’s old house, where he learns from his mom that the boy was seeing somebody new between when the girl died and when he shot himself. Further wanderings take him to the cemetery, where he runs into the girl he once saved, dressed up like a slutty Goth and attempting to provoke David into making a move on her despite being fifteen years old. He goes home and reads more of the book, where the vampire learns that all her ancient vampire friends are starting to feel the same thing, and maybe they are returning to human. Then he has to stop because his best friend has gotten him an appointment with a hypnotist, which he is hoping will help him remember that which has been blocked about the end of his relationship.

The hypnotist gets David down deep pretty fast, and David is confused by what he’s saying. He seems to be remembering more than one perspective, or more than two people coming to the spot on the beach. But just before he gets to the point where he stopped remembering, at a point where his ex painfully pinched his butt, his cell phone rings — the ex again, always calling at the most inopportune moments. He takes a while to shake off the effects of being hypnotized, and then goes back home to read a little more. It turns out that our vampire hero is pregnant, has been for the last twenty-five thousand years, and the baby is resuming its growth just as the time never passed now that she’s returning to human. He starts painting like a man possessed, and then takes a break before his next date with Julie to go walk on the beach again ... where he spots the reverend’s daughter riding the drug dealer on the exact spot where the body was found. Gross.

Julie takes him to a play about identical twins, one of whom has murdered the other in order to get her heart transplanted, and then they drink more tequila and have more sex, this time in the house where his ex used to live because Julie feels it is what he needs to get over her. Then he falls asleep and dreams that he and Julie are in Las Vegas, playing blackjack with a dealer whose name is the same as the vampire and then buying illegal drugs and having a threesome with her. It seems so real, but there’s no way. When he wakes up, he’s back at his house and Julie is eating Special K even though David doesn’t remember buying it. There’s a knock at the door, and it’s the sheriff and the FBI agent, here to arrest David for the murder of someone he’s never heard of. It seems that the hairs they found at his ex’s place match the corpse’s hair, and that plus his inconsistency makes him a prime suspect in having killed his girlfriend. Only he can prove he didn’t, because there’s a message on the machine! Or not! It’s suddenly blank again, despite his specific intent to save the messages! What the fuck?

So David gets locked up. The FBI agent has more questions, and gives up some more information. It seems that David’s ex is not the only one who’s been ritualistically killed in the last little while, and his partner has disappeared in the investigation. The sheriff comes in later, trying to get David to face the reality of the situation, but David knows what he heard. He dreams about a race that his dead friend ran, and realizes in hindsight that the guy maybe wasn’t as amazing and brilliant as David always thought. Then the minister comes to visit and encourages David to get a lawyer. He knows a guy who is brilliant and willing to do the pretrial as a favor. He also reminds David that nobody is perfect: the minister himself beat his ex-wife before seeing the devil in what he was doing and redirecting himself. He dreams again, about a road trip he took with his ex and a palm reader who was confused and discouraged by their life lines. The lawyer shows up and thinks he can get the charge thrown out on lack of evidence. Then David’s best friend brings him the manuscript so he can keep working, and he reads about how the vampire finds the alchemist’s sister, who wants the baby and holds her hostage, but the vampire goes back to her training and kills everyone in the compound just weeks before she’s due. It’s not really clear yet how this ties together, but be patient and I’ll try.

They go to the hearing, where David’s lawyer demonstrates how the police have no concrete evidence tying his client to the dead woman on the beach, regardless of the connection between her and the hairs they found in her house. The district attorney mentions that there are traces of bloody footprints on David’s carpet, which is new but not enough to hold him, so he goes free. There’s a small party at his best friend’s house, at which Julie apologizes for not being able to back up his assertion of the ex’s message and slips up in her facts when he asks how her job search is going. He does a little bit of research and finds out that not only has she not applied for these jobs she claimed to be after, but she quit the job that she lost, unceremoniously and without notice. So um. Why is this girl lying to him now? And what does it have to do with the girl who was lying to him before?

For some reason, David still thinks this has some connection to his dead high school friends. He goes to the girl’s dad’s house, who mentions that the older sister is married to some rich surgeon out in Miami. This strikes a chord, and he remembers that the doctor on the plane gave him a business card. His company? LESS — Life Extension Service Systems. See, I told you to wait for it. So now David has to go track down the FBI agent and learn a little bit more. As it happens, they’ve been tracking some kind of illicit organ trade, linked to a journalist who discovered a trend of rich people getting new livers and hearts when they shouldn’t have been anywhere near the top of the list and was suddenly and brutally murdered. The FBI agent and his partner were chasing the trail of the one who’d been on the case before them when his partner disappeared, and so now this guy is on the case kind of against the wishes of management, who no doubt doesn’t want to lose more agents to an unsolvable issue. But they do know about a cruise ship with no itinerary, one that the good doctor and his wife partly own. Suspicious! It seems like this ritualistic killing and disembowelment might be done to disguise the harvesting of organs for this operation. Although that doesn’t explain the FBI agent’s encounter with a creepy young girl at the site of a previous killing, one who marked him with a bloody heart that was maybe removed from the body. Is there more than meets the eye to these killings, or is it just as it appears?

After a quick encounter with Herb the drug dealer, who says he’s skipping town and not to tell anybody but to do the same, David goes home to sleep, only stopping to kick the preacher’s daughter out of his bed. He awakens to the sound of fire engines — not at his house, but close. It’s the FBI agent’s motel, of course, and there’s no hope for him. He encounters his best friend’s husband at the site and gives him the money Herb intended for them to get the fuck out of Lompoc. Then he drives himself straight to LAX and gets a last-minute plane to New York. After all, he still has a cover to paint.

The art director at the publishing house is more than happy to share the author’s address with David — after all, she’d expressed interest in meeting the cover artist for her novel. He ends up at a mansion where the last name on the mailbox is the name of the dead girl on the beach, which David is increasingly having to accept is the real name of his ex because otherwise there are too many coincidences. He rings the bell and meets his ex’s mother, who confirms that she wrote the book and intended it to get into David’s hands, and asks that he forgive her lies because she was dying of leukemia and wanted one last year of real life without people feeling sorry for her. She invites David for dinner and to stay the night, in his ex’s old bed, but he wakes up in the middle of the night and lets himself out because it’s too freaky — and not helped by the mom having loud sex with the young black butler who answered the door.

Next he flies to Miami, and it’s not hard to find the cruise ship in dock. He sneaks aboard posing as a food delivery porter and then pokes around the ship until he finds a weird new age recovery spa. Down there in an isolation tank is his dead friend’s sister, who invites David to join her for breakfast. As they eat (him bacon and eggs, her Special K just like his new girl), she confirms part of the FBI agent’s story: they do transplant organs illegally on the ship, using it so that the organs can come from third-world countries and never have to enter the US — they can helicopter it from the Caribbean island directly to the ship. David confronts her about the ritual killing, but she insists that they’re not intentionally murdering people to harvest their organs. Then she turns it back on him, reminding him of his crush on the dead friend and how it hurt the boy, and how that might have ultimately led to both their deaths. How does she know so much about this, if she and her sister weren’t close? Did she have a hand in it? What the shit is happening?

David doesn’t get answers to any of these questions. His cell phone rings, and it’s his ex, somehow, calling from his house and asking if he can be home by midnight. He does have time to finish the novel on the plane, and learns of the vampire’s ultimate fate, killing herself so that her soul will be able to block the alchemist’s from fighting off the new one that will be generated when her baby is born, because that was his plan — to cheat death by taking on new bodies. He thinks again of his dream about Vegas with Juile, and how the dealer had the same name as this vampire character. More than a coincidence? He has time to take a quick detour to Vegas, where he learns that indeed there is a sexy blackjack dealer who once had a threesome with the girls he has pictures of in his wallet. How could David have possibly known this? How could he have seen it?

When he gets home, a note on the door directs him to the beach. And who should be on the beach but Julie Stevens, carrying a boombox with a CD that contains every recorded message David has gotten from his ex in the last week. She reveals that yes, she and the ex were lovers, and now Julie wants to help him remember what else happened that night. As she’s massaging him, he has some memories, some views of the night of the breakup that he could only have had if he was looking at it from his ex’s perspective. Like when she pinched his butt, she was injecting him with a vial of ketamine. The confusion causes him to black out, and when he comes to he’s shackled and on the floor of his ex’s bathroom. And guess who’s there? That’s right, the good doctor.

He explains the whole scope of his operation: basically, rich white people have more right to live than poor brown people, and so he has taken to harvesting organs from Africa and south Asia and transplanting them into paying customers on his ship. However, there’s a problem: you might have a new liver or a new kidney or a new heart, but you’re still in the same old body. So they start thinking about what they can do, and land on the phenomenon of out-of-body experiences that have been reported from the use of ketamine as an anesthetic. Maybe you know it as a street drug, the doctor says: Special K. Yeah, the fucking cereal was a hint. Anyway, he and his partners started experimenting with it and realized that with the proper dose, they COULD leave their bodies and go into someone else’s — for a very limited time; they’d get snapped back pretty quickly into their own. Too much sense memory. But what if they took the appropriate dose, got into the other body ... and then murdered their old one?

(Disclosure: I have never seen Get Out.)

So yeah, the ex has entered David’s body, and it’s only a matter of time before her feelings and memories take over. What proof of this does the old doctor have? Well, brace yourself: the first body takeovers happened right here in Lompoc, ten years ago. David’s dear friend and crush was horribly burned in an accident and didn’t want to live in her body anymore, but she did have a bitch sister whose body she wouldn’t mind taking. From there it was a small manner to get her boyfriend into the body of the rich surgeon she was scheduled to marry. And guess what? The boy never forgave David for his crush, for his attempts to get more from the girl than she would give a non-boyfriend. His whole life has been a lie.

So nothing to do but wait for the change. What can help that along? Associations with the soul taking over ... you know, like having sex in the first place you had sex with her or reading a novel that she wrote or sleeping in her childhood bed. What else can speed it up? Starvation and imprisonment. Yeah, David’s gotta stay locked up in the bathroom until he turns into his ex. But David is surprisingly resilient, and two weeks later he’s still trying to escape. He remembers that his ex wore a lot of bobby pins in her hair, and some scraping and picking reveals a couple stuck up under the tub skirt. He fiddles with his shackles for an hour and eventually pops the lock, but the house is locked up too, so he has to break a window. 

And sure enough, Julie races back to him, pointing a gun and telling him to knock off the shit or she’ll kill him. But David calls her bluff, because there’s no way she’d go through all of this just to murder her girlfriend. Lucky (?) for them, the minister’s daughter shows up right at that moment, insisting that her father needs to see David. Julie tries to resist, and in response the daughter grabs a shard of the broken glass and SLITS HER FUCKING THROAT. Like, no remorse, no thinking twice about it, just straight murders a dude. Still, even though this chick is pretty grotesque, she’s taking David to the preacher, who has been the rock in his life and who will surely get him out of this predicament, right?

Welllll...

Remember how the reverend saw a demon, that night so long ago when he was beating his wife? It turns out that the demon took over his body in that moment, and from then on they’ve been best buddies. That was the impetus for his drowning daughter, in fact: get another demon over to this side. And now the good doctor, the clinic, the ship, the whole operation? It’s his. He controls and manipulates the whole thing, throwing in the ritualistic killing just for shits and giggles, because it appeals to Satan. The medical and scientific backing? Smoke and mirrors — the demon actually controls it all. So David’s got another soul in his body, and is going to change pretty soon, and is going to owe his eternal presence to the forces of darkness, and there’s nothing he can do about it, right?

Well, he could maybe kill himself, like the hero of the story. Isn’t that why his ex wrote the thing? To give him a clue and point out how he could save himself and his own soul? The demon laughs — there’s too much weak-willed terminally ill ex in there for him to actually be able to pull it off. As if to prove it, he suddenly roars in David’s face, jarring him, taking him aback, causing him to gasp and exhale, such that the force shoves his soul out and away.

And the ex is now in there alone. Left to think about what she has done and what the price will be.

And that is the end of The Blind Mirror. There’s a lot of story here, a lot of information, and I actually really enjoyed it. I didn’t remember it at all — again, this is one where the strong spine and clean cover indicates maybe I only read it once. Pike has said he likes it a lot, but it wasn’t well-received, and I can believe that I might have gone through it and been disappointed in the ending. Is this the first time a hero meets a tragic end in a Pike book? No, but it’s the first time we get zero redemption from it. Like, when Herb Trasker died he left photographic evidence of his killer. Josie Goodwin had time to kill off her megalomaniac attacker and save her other target before she died. But here, David is gone and his body and soul are pretty much fucked.

Still, this was a solid book. Really nice to get to the twisting and crossed threads of information that make a solid horror or suspense novel, and it shows what Pike is capable of at his best. The ending is still a little bit rushed for my taste, but I have to admit that he doesn’t leave threads hanging even as he races through David’s revelation and transformation in the last 40 pages of the book. Maybe taking some time to work on his craft and really refine this story will be indicative of the Pike we get over the next fifteen years. I sure hope so.

[sweetbertram]

For the WIP guessing game: dream?

This is an excerpt from a fic I really want to finish but may never finish purely because I don’t know where to go from where I currently am in it, where Jared and Monica decide to take a road trip between their two colleges for class reunions, both of them just coming off of bad breakups.

When Jared finally calms down, Monica asks, “What was the dream about? If - if you want to talk about it, I mean…”

Jared shakes his head. “It’s…it’s nothing. It doesn’t matter. It was a dream.”

Monica frowns. “You were shouting in your sleep, Jared, you looked terrified.”

Jared half-smiles. “It’s fine. Really. I promise. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Monica says, but she reaches out across the bed to hold his hand nonetheless.

[callmenateybird]

Depression Never Drove Me To Attempt Suicide; Being Bullied While Depressed Did

I don’t wanna relive my bullying hellscape today but I can’t shake the feeling that people still just continue to blame the brains of suicidal people for any and all suicidal acts.

I’ve experienced depression for a long time. I was lucky that depression alone never led me to a suicide attempt. Being bullied along with being depressed, however, did. I need to use my own experience as an example to get through to people about this today.

Spring 2016: I dated a person I met on The List App (just what it sounds like - a list-making app created by BJ Novak). I went out to CA to be with her for 2 months. She felt it was moving too fast, but didn’t tell me for awhile. Eventually she did, we broke up, I was crushed, I went back to OH to be with family. I whined, I pitied myself, I spoke about the breakup on List.

Eventually, friends of my ex decided this was too much & brought my ex & others into a FB group chat, where they shit talked & mused that I had been manipulative & that I’d threatened self harm.

This was the first in two instances now of upping the ante of false accusation. First, from whining & taking a breakup hard -> manipulation & threats of self harm, then, a year ago right around this time, upping the ante again to “abuser.” More on that in a bit.

Back to 2016 — August, as the group chat began. I had been listing about the upcoming 2 year anniversary of my dad’s passing — Aug 10. On the night of the 9th, my ex’s close friend did what I guess was an accidental like of an old list of mine. At the time, it seemed odd because she wasn’t following me and we’d had conflict with each other on Twitter about a week before.

The next day, it made sense why she’d been far back in my old lists. As I listed about the anniversary of my dad’s passing, parody accounts began to go public.

The first was called Predator. My screen shots here were taken later (I was too upset to screenshot anything the day it all happened) after the name was changed to “Chris, Kay?” to target one List guy these people hated. The original name on the account was “Chrislie K. Veshester” — a mashup of the names of 3 of us from List.

In the second and third screenshots, you’ll see parts of a list. This list has direct excerpts from lists the 3 of us guys had previously posted (gathering lines from old lists the night before…yes, bullies go to great efforts to bully). The writing and recording line, the bravery line, the baggage line, the body is your friend line, the quote of Coyote Hours (an album about the death of my father) — all from me & gleefully twisted into being somehow creepy or wrong.

The line “I try to get others to take care of me” didn’t seem to come from any of us, but seems more to be a line from my ex’s friend’s imagination that reflects how those people saw me in the wake of that breakup.

Also launched that day, in tandem, was the Flounce account (to flounce means to announce that you’re leaving a community, which I had done the night before my dad anniversary, because of what I was going through at the time). I later was told this was created by Jack Waz, an employee of List. The first few followers on the account — my bullies, “Jo-Ann Fabrics” (another parody account by Jack), & even List creator BJ Novak.

Also popping up that day was this dormant “imacreep” account where luckily no new vitriol was added — but you can see, based on the few lists that account had “liked,” that it came from the same group of people.

You can also see, from the few likes on the predator account, that it came from the same group of people.

On Aug 10, I had a nervous breakdown after seeing all of this. The passing of a parent is a deep trauma and, only 2 years out, was obviously very fresh for me. It is an event that is almost sacred in a way, & part of the unhealable scarring of my bullying experience is that this sacred date was snatched away from me, and tainted by this awful social media experience. I now forever associate the day my dad died with being bullied.

On September 1st, an older guy from the group chat sent me an unsolicited harassing email, after being given my contact info by my ex. I had just called her to ask if she would be completing some album artwork she’d promised to do for me around the time of our breakup. I hadn’t heard from her in ages (this was before I knew she was involved in the group chat), so I took one last chance at reaching out about it. In the email from this guy, I was summarily smacked down for “not respecting her boundaries” and told very cruelly by him that she didn’t want to do my art, or hear from me ever again.

In mid September 2016, a former friend told me everything about the group chat. She had been brought into it and pressured/intimidated (by, among others, men in their late 30s — she was in her early 20s, as were a few other women in the group chat) to “provide receipts” of me talking about my breakup. She was forced to “denounce” me and swear she’d never talk to me again.

She named names to me in September and let me know who was involved. I learned that my ex — who had been silent through all the stuff in August — was in the group chat, participated, and watched it all go down. A couple days later, I began a suicide attempt.

The ordeal led to both myself and my mom being hospitalized (she has a heart condition). Thankfully, we both came out of the ordeal ok.

Plenty more vitriol was unleashed on List after August 10th. I was lucky that much of it didn’t involve me (another guy from List got it worse than I did). One older guy from the group chat did a particularly nasty “sublist” and a few other remarks came out here and there, but it seemed to be dying down finally.

Through the fall, I began to find balance again. I returned to List with a new account, and took small steps in standing up for myself.

In November, I confronted my ex about what I knew, in an attempt to make peace. She expressed some regret, but never really apologized in a way that felt adequate to me, nor would she concede that her friends had bullied me and that she had condoned it.

In December, I returned to CA to resume the life I’d begun building when I was dating my ex. I had been dreaming of living in Southern California since the trip to scatter my dad’s ashes there in fall of 2014, and I was using the last chunk of inheritance money I’d gotten to get myself re-established in Orange County.

In January of 2017, I finally realized that my ex was never going to apologize to me for everything, so I launched a text tirade of criticisms her way and stopped speaking to her.

But in the next few months, I faltered in that commitment and sent her three harassing emails. Since the previous fall, I had begun an agonizing habit of digital cutting (creeping on social media that you know is bad for your mental health) and snooped on her accounts, plus those of her friends and family. It is a habit that I have yet to fully shake, even all this time later. The three emails I sent all involved seeing things she’d liked on social media and being angry or jealous about them. I finally stooped to the level of the people who harassed me, and I harassed her. After the final of those three emails, in April of 2017, she wrote back and said she’d file a harassment order if I contacted her again, and I never contacted her again.

But I continued to grow more and more emboldened in standing up for myself publicly, and over the course of 2017 it became a huge part of my social media (especially on Twitter) to speak openly about my experience being bullied, harassed, and ganged up on.

In June of 2017, I was walking in a park in my ex’s town and saw her. A few days later, many of the ladies from List were tagged in a massive Twitter thread. For some reason, a few of us guys from the app were tagged as well. Later that day, my ex’s friend from the group chat - the one who had made the “Predator” account - subtweeted that these List ladies in the mass tagging had “an abuser among [them].” The ante of false accusation had been upped again, from whining and self pity and taking a breakup hard -> manipulation and threats of self harm -> abuse.

This subtweet alone, which I’d only discovered because of my continuing struggle with digital cutting (creeping online), sent me reeling on the verge of another breakdown. I knew that things were heating up culturally, that the imperative to believe women was more important than ever. And now, for the first time, I had to face that dissenting argument from the trolls who don’t like the prioritization of believing women no matter what — “what if somebody falsely accuses someone just to fuck up their life?” But even then, I brought myself back from the brink (with much help from my therapy sessions, my support system of family and friends, my writing, and the good-for-the-soul environment of southern California).

I even had a phone call later that summer with the friend who’d told me about the group chat, where I explained to her that I still acknowledged the importance of believing women, even if I was experiencing a false accusation. I told her that I was trying to hold onto the understanding that the cultural prioritization of listening to and believing women was bigger than me, more important than me.

But I also continued to speak openly about being bullied, and now included the mention of being implied to be an emotional abuser, all through 2017 until finally standing up for myself on social media impacted my real life once more. A few days before Christmas, after a really good period of no digital cutting for the entire month of December so far, I had a weak moment one evening and looked at the social media of my ex and her family. On her mom’s Instagram, I saw a repost from my ex’s private account where she’d said she had gone to the police station to file a report about “a year and a half of harassment, stalking, and general creepiness.” (A year and a half would be going back to right when we broke up - we were still on good terms then - and six months before our friendly if flawed semi-clearing of the air in late 2016). In her mom’s repost, she said “if we see this guy in our neighborhood again, we are coming after him!” I saw this — and hope you will understand my seeing it this way — as a threat of physical harm. If “our neighborhood” meant seeing me on their street, well that was never going to happen. But if it meant seeing me in their whole entire town — like I’d seen her in a park last June — well, what was I supposed to do about being seen in an entire town??

I was terrified, and made a hasty decision two days later (Christmas Eve) to leave my Orange County long term Airbnb about two months before the end of my lease. I struggled for about a month to stay afloat in LA, looking for a new space. But my savings was too low to handle the temporary added expenses of new Airbnbs and hotels, and by early February of 2018 I decided I had to throw in the towel and go back to Ohio to regroup with family until I could afford to be out west again.

And that is my ordeal, to date.

I took a breakup badly, and cried and cried and said “I can’t take it anymore” (the closest I came to “threats of self harm,” as were the initial accusations from the group chat). And all because of taking a breakup badly —

I was ganged up on, parodied, mocked, and bullied on the two year anniversary of the death of my father.

The actual creators/employees of the app where I was bullied - including BJ Novak himself - celebrated and *participated in* bullying me.

I suffered a nervous breakdown.

I attempted suicide.

My mom was sent into the hospital with a heart scare, from watching what I was going through and reacting emotionally as most mothers would.

I drained thousands of dollars from my savings for additional therapy, spiritual counseling, and cross country travel (twice).

I literally left my home because I felt unwelcome and physically unsafe in Orange County, after being threatened with violence by my ex’s mother. 

And now I exist in this particular moment on social media, where the valiant and important efforts of the #metoo movement are still sometimes misrepresented by cold statements like “don’t ever fucking tell me that a false accusation ruins a man’s life.”

Even if you set aside my experience of being ganged up on and bullied, of being called a creep for being friends with women who were younger than me in a social media community, of being accused of manipulation and emotional abuse, it should be understandable as a general isolated statement — When we talk about someone’s life being ruined, we have to look at more than just their external life. We have to also look at their internal life.

And rest assured — beyond all the external stuff I just listed, my internal life has been forever impacted by being bullied and by being called “abuser.”

I can no longer say I have never attempted suicide. After years of living with depression and being proud of myself for never giving into the darkest of places, I now have experienced a suicide attempt. I now have experienced being called an abuser. And who knows what else I may experience as repercussions for posting this essay with screenshots and names, since the past two years of interacting with bullies has shown me very clearly that bullies always — ALWAYS — win.

We now live in an age where bullies are empowered by important cultural movements. They sneak in through weak spots, they use amped up language and terms that they know will attract attention. They are stronger than ever.

But the part of the narrative that my bullies and threateners will always leave out of their callouts - their own screenshot exposés of past and possibly future - is the part where they bullied and harassed first. My own instances of email harassment of my ex, my own flawed and self destructive habit of creeping online — these are personal flaws that arose AFTER being bullied. That part of their narrative will always be conveniently scrapped from the record. Bullying proves the age old saying — hurt people hurt people.

And so now, two years after my ordeal began, I try to be mindful that angry statements can verge on harassment, I do less and less digital cutting, I try to be a good person and to value the people who value me.

But when famous people are lost to suicide, and the conversation zeroes in squarely on mental illness and mental health, I just cannot abide the ignoring of so many other cultural factors that lead people to no longer want to live on this planet.

Whether the factors are due to marginalization, systemic oppression, economic hopelessness, ageism, a broken health care system, disease and physical pain, or a bullying ordeal like mine — there are an endless number of external environmental forces that drive people to suicide besides their own pure brain chemistry. And remember, environmental doesn’t just mean places and things — it means people. Many of those external forces that drive people to suicide involve how the people are treated by the others in their environment.

I have experienced depression for much of my life. But it was only being bullied that finally pushed me to the brink. This screenshot below shows the folks from the group chat. Some of them were silent bystanders, but they all watched it go down and did nothing to stop it. They are all complicit.

These are my bullies.

And if I have to live forever with being bullied the day my dad died, with having attempted suicide, with watching my mom go into the hospital, with being called an abuser and whatever else I’ll be called between two years ago and the end of my life, then they will have to live with being called bullies. And even if this post is removed, even if this account is suspended or deleted, I will continue to speak up and speak out when I am bullied or when I see others being bullied. I will not stand for it ever again.

Because all the things those people took away from me left a gaping hole inside me. And, so far, I have only found a couple things with which to sufficiently fill that hole — the understanding of my very loving and supportive family and friends, and love and respect for myself. Standing up for myself is just one of the ways I have learned to love and respect myself, ever since the ordeal that scarred my life forever.

June 12: I decided to add an afterword to this essay, a sort of “FAQ” to address a question I’ve been asked a few times in one form or another. 

The question: Do you talk about your bullying experience so much because you want your bullies to feel bullied?

No.

First, "bullying bullies" isn't a thing much like how reverse racism isn't a thing. To be a broken record - to continually expose the bullying act & “Scarlet Letter” the perpetrators - is the only power a bullying victim has, since the act of bullying unfortunately isn't treated like a punishable crime, especially when it’s done online (even though being bullied has robbed me financially and wounded me - and my family - both physically and emotionally).

Second, I talk about this as much as I do because I want the people who bullied me to feel haunted by the consequences of their actions (and inactions, in the case of those who watched and condoned) - actions they probably felt, at the time, were not a big deal. To have spoken about it publicly for almost three years is an effort at making them feel so haunted by their behavior that they not only never bully another person again, but that they *themselves* become dedicated anti-bullying crusaders. It sounds almost laughable - and certainly would to them, as cynical as they are - but I am trying to make a difference in these few peoples’ lives. You can label it crudely as “badgering,” which I feel does a disservice to me by downplaying the severity of what happened to me, but whatever you call my continued persistence in talking about this experience - it is persistence that aims to make a few people more decent and mindful of their past and future behavior.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

(voltron s6 spoilers in the block quote)

this is an excerpt from a wip i started working on after voltron s5 came out....... and was written with the assumption that lotor would continue being a protag in s6 without....... all that.

so i’m tossing it out, but i’ll share it to purge myself—bc i don’t want to delete it completely and bc lotor didn’t completely blindside me, and i have to achieve catharsis somehow

For what seems like forever after she revives the Castle of Lions, Allura is surrounded by the paladins—her friends, babbling and excited, relieved at their survival and her success.

They all interrogate her about Oriande ("A truly marvelous place, I wish you all were able to see it"), the capabilities of her new powers ("I just received them! And really, it's more like knowledge than anything mystical"), what they feel like ("So far, as if something's been unlocked inside of me—as if I could find anything I need if I search hard enough").

Shiro is the most interested in these details, but once Allura has reached the limits of what she can explain, his expression grows distant and distracted. They leave him to his own devices; he gazes out, deep in thought, at the stars and ancient wreckage around them.

Pidge and Hunk puzzle over whether these new developments means Allura can invent new and powerful weapons like Voltron now if they just give her a bunch of metal ("Doubtful, but I appreciate the confidence," Allura says with a laugh), and how well alchemy relates to their understanding of science and engineering.

"Workable so far, but the lack of some analogues makes it pretty confusing," Pidge says.

Hunk shrugs. "I haven't dabbled super hard in it yet, but I think it's been pretty easy to work with on Castle stuff."

They wander off, debating about semantics Allura is perfectly happy being unable to grasp. She smiles and turns her full attention to Lance, who talks cheerfully about how "Pidge and Hunk get bat-crazy intense when they're hyperfocusing on the same thing together." He then dives into a story, which Allura listens to with fascination (and no small amount of confusion), about the time they attempted to create the most scientifically perfect muffin over spring break and had to clean the bathrooms for weeks because they nearly blew up the kitchen.

"What is a muffin?" she asks.

Lance grins. "Do not say that around Hunk unless you want to hear a varga-long lecture about batter and fruit."

As he proceeds to explain muffins, Allura realizes that sometime during the chaos, Lotor slipped out of sight. She quickly glances around, half-listening to Lance's attempt to translate flour, but in between the two of them, Coran running system checks on the Castle, and Shiro silently pondering space, Lotor has vanished.

She frowns.

Eventually, even Shiro departs after a brief, polite goodbye. Patiently and curiously, she listens to Lance describe the concept of a spring break before finally cutting him off.

"You should get some rest, Lance," she says. "You look like you need it."

"Are you saying I look terrible?" he replies with mock outrage.

Allura smiles. "Yes. After all, you did almost suffocate to death quite recently."

Lance's teasing smile morphs into one that acknowledges the truth of her statement. "Then you should get some rest, too, Allura." He touches her shoulder. "After all, you just flew into a white hole and faced down a giant lion guardian... spirit thing."

"Don't worry about me, Lance."

He gives her a look.

Allura laughs. "I promise I will get some rest. But you need it more than I do right now."

Lance smiles and acquiesces. "All right, Allura. See you later." He turns to leave but hesitates, immediately setting off alarm bells in Allura's head.

"Lance?" she asks.

He spins back around. He's frowning. "Don't mention this to anyone, but I think we need to talk later. In private."

Allura only grows more concerned, but she nods sharply. She desperately wants to ask about what—but knows that if she does, the conversation will not end there. Better to wait until later as Lance asks. "All right."

Lance leaves, and Allura sighs.

She needs to talk to Lotor. No rest for her yet, indeed.

"Coran?" she asks, approaching the man still performing tasks on the Castle interface. "Did you happen to see where Lotor wandered off to?"

"No, Princess," he replies. "Would you like me to find him for you?"

"Please."

Coran pulls up the Castle biorhythm sensors, and they both spot what must be his signature at the same time, blinking within the Castle Library.

"Thank you, Coran. I think Lotor must need some company today."

Allura turns to leave, but Coran's very serious "Princess, wait," has her halt before she can take another step. "Yes, Coran?" she asks.

He wrings his hands. "I've been meaning to talk to you about Lotor, Princess."

Allura turns back fully to frown at him.

As a child, Allura was wilder than any Altean crown princess had a right to be. She suffered many minders (and many minders suffered her), but the most persistent was always Coran, far out of his job description—her father's advisor, but in many ways also family.

When she hid from her frustrated tutor in the palace gardens, Coran was the one to pull her out of the bushes, to drag her to her rooms kicking and screaming with his nose turned up and a simple, "Just wait until your mother hears about this," to shut her up. When she got in a fight and had her nose twisted into a crooked mess, Coran was the first one at her side, handkerchief in hand to catch the blood. When she came home after her very first breakup, Coran was the first one to see her tears, his open arms the first ones she fell into.

Even before the war, they were close. Now, with Altea long gone, the only thing they have left of their people, their home, is each other. Allura can hardly blame him for being as protective of her as a mother yalmor is to her poglings.

Nevertheless, her frown is one of frustration. "Coran, I will be fine with Lotor. He has more than proven his devotion to peace. Besides," and she switches to a teasing tone, "I thought you liked him now. Didn't you two have a stimulating conversation a couple days ago about how the Empire romanticizes greed?"

"We did! I was pleasantly surprised to learn that he considered their treatment of the Balmera abominable—which indeed it is. To so abuse such a magnificent creature's life... For a Galra, he has a remarkable passion for sustainable practice." Coran shakes his head. "This is off-topic, Princess. What I wish to talk to you about has nothing to do with liking or disliking him."

Allura crosses her arms. "All right."

Coran sighs. "Princess, I don't mean to imply that your judgment is mistaken. I agree wholeheartedly that Lotor has been an ally to our cause."

"But?"

"But—and please allow me to explain fully, Princess—I don't think Lotor is on our side."

Allura (well-understood by Coran) resists the urge to object and frowns.

"I was your father's advisor for a very long time, Princess," Coran says. "A big part of my job was to judge the characters of those he worked with and give him my own assessments. I want to advise you. Especially since it seems that this relationship has become more than a simple political alliance."

"I'm listening."

"Thank you, Princess. From what I understand, being a team player does not come to Lotor naturally. His plans of attack, too, have been much different from our own. He is used to working on his own, for his own goals."

"His methods and goals are not that different," Allura says. "He told me the reason for his exile. He was resisting the Galra Empire's methods by cooperating equally with a planet he was assigned to rule over. He befriended them, learned their ways, worked side-by-side with them. When Emperor Zarkon discovered what he was doing, he ordered him to destroy the planet. He refused."

"What happened after?"

Allura presses her lips together. "He was dismissed. His father destroyed the planet. He couldn't stop him."

Coran nods. "I see. Princess, this story only assures me that the conclusions I've come to about him are correct. I do agree that Lotor is working with us in good faith, or at least not bad faith. But Lotor has also been working towards his own desires for centuries. Remember what happened when he had been the Emperor Pro Tem. He tricked us into recovering the comet ore. He tried to use our teleduv. And we still have the ship he created from the ore in our hangers."

Allura considers. The ore, a mysterious transreality material; the teleduv, a device that opened wormholes with Altean energy; the Sincline ship, built like Voltron from the transreality ore...

"He must have had some kind of plan to access the space between realities," she concludes. "But we already know that. He's asked us to do so in order to harvest quintessence and appease the Galra Empire. He wants to change them, Coran."

His father, too, wanted quintessence, the distrustful part of her whispers, not for the first time. And Honerva... who is almost certainly Haggar. Lotor thinks optimistically of his mother, but she led the research into the Rift. She could not possibly have been an innocent bystander before her death. She certainly was not afterwards.

"I believe he has good intentions, Princess. If he is lying about everything, it would be difficult indeed to fake the passion and knowledge he has right to our faces. But... do you really believe that this plan will satisfy the Empire, Princess?"

Allura opens her mouth but pauses. She then frowns, growing more concerned and disturbed by the second. "No," she admits. "No, I do not. The Empire is endlessly hungry for power. We may open a rift, but they will simply demand more. Perhaps for the rift to be widened, or for more to be opened. The one alone will be an incalculable risk if it breaches into another dimension. And there is still the matter of what they will use that quintessence for."

She remembers the war—how it began because Emperor Zarkon refused to close the rift destabilizing his planet, providing an entryway for unfathomably dangerous creatures, all for the sake of a power that provided a source of endless clean energy but enabled horrific tyranny. She remembers the alternate Alteans—a universe where she, with the best intentions, preached peace, and whose empire went on 10,000 years later to deprive living creatures of their free will for the sake of those ideals, twisted into grotesque mockery.

It doesn't matter if Lotor has good intentions, she realizes. It doesn't matter if something—something deep and inexplicable within her—wishes that he can be trusted. Allura must look beyond them.

"Lotor was Emperor Zarkon's son, Princess," Coran says, "and the prince of the Galra Empire. For better or worse, he has been indelibly shaped by his past. Perhaps he believed he could bring about change with endless quintessence; it could have been the perfect foundation upon which to build a coup. Perhaps he truly loves Altea, as much as one who has never seen it could. But the fact remains, Princess, that Lotor did not ally with us until the Galra Empire wanted him dead on sight, until he needed our shelter. Why?"

"Why, indeed," Allura murmurs.

"This is why I must insist, Princess, that you remain cautious with him." Coran places his hands on her shoulders, brow furrowed deep. "Lotor is not on our side. He has always been on his own. It is difficult to blame him for it; Emperor Zarkon was clearly far from a loving parental figure. I suspect he has had to fend for himself for 10,000 years with little if any support."

I envy you, growing up with King Alfor.

"I understand, Coran," Allura says, meeting his worried eyes. "I greatly appreciate your advice. And I believe you may be quite right. I promise I will be careful."

Coran smiles. "That's all I ask for, Princess."

He pulls her into a hug, warm and close, and Allura returns the gesture with the same smile.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #161 - Star Trek Beyond

(GIF originally posted by @forquicksilver)

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #440

Format: Blu-ray

1) The preproduction for this film was slightly troubled. JJ Abrams was committed to Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens so co-writer of the first two films Robert Orci signed on as director. He ended up leaving production though, taking his cinematographer with him, and it was a little while before Justin Lin (Fast and the Furious 3 - 6) was hired to replace him. Writers Simon Pegg and Doug Jung reportedly wrote the script in a bit of a hurry as they still had a release date to meet. But at the end the film turned out really well, so everything worked out in the end.

2) This film was released during the 50th anniversary of the Star Trek franchise.

Having said that, the work done by writers Pegg and Jung as well as Lin’s direction I think help to make the film feel like a balance between old Trek and new Trek. I’ll get into more details on that as I go along.

3) The opening scene.

The opening has an incredible sense of fun and humor to it (with the aliens Kirk is trying to break peace with seemingly gigantic and ending up being the size of a chihuahua) and honestly feels like it could be the concept of an episode for the original “Star Trek” TV show (says the guy who’s never seen an episode of the original series). It establishes some of the lighter/funner tone this film will feature compared to the titular darkness of Into Darkness as well as Kirk’s initial conflict in the film. It is a wonderful beginning.

4) Kirk’s tiredness.

Kirk is three years into his five year mission in space (which, in a not-so-coincidental-way, is how long the original series got before cancellation) and it is starting to weigh on him.

Kirk [in his captain’s log]: “As for me things have started to feel a little...episodic.”

There’s no direction in space, it is just infinite and that is starting to weigh on Kirk. It has him questioning the point of it all. It has him questioning who he is.

Kirk [after commenting he’s now a year older on his birthday]: “A year older than [my father] got to be. He joined Starfleet because he believed in it. I joined on a dare.”

Bones: “You joined to see if you could live up to him. [Mentions how Kirk has spent all this time trying to be like his dad.] Now you’re wondering what it means to be Jim.”

And it is through the fire of conflict in this film that Kirk will reclaim his identity and who exactly he is.

5) The release of this film was given an unexpected dose of sorrow as actor Anton Yelchin tragically passed away about a month before the film’s release.

There is a scene early in the film where Bones and Kirk drink some Scotch they found in Chekov’s locker. They pour three glasses, the third one being for “absent friends” (as in those we’ve lost who could not be here now). The absent friend I believe was meant to be Kirk’s later father, who the pair are talking about. But in the wake of Anton Yelchin’s passing the scene takes on a much more somber meaning and feels more like a tribute to him. After the film’s release I read on IMDb that the scene was included to pay tribute to Yelchin, but I can no longer find that piece of trivia suggesting it may have been false. Either way, it is impossible to divorce Chekov from that scene or the unintended tribute it pays to the late actor. I’m going to miss seeing you in the movie, Anton.

6) Yorktown.

Yorktown is quite possibly the stand out new element introduced into the film. The space station/outpost/colony/whatever is visually outstanding. Most space stations in film are defined by rigid edges and sharp boundaries but Yorktown is circular. It’s fluid, it’s organic, it moves into and through each other like a planet. Some of the camera tricks and technical aspects used to show off this new location is great. It also has an incredible atmosphere to it which ties directly into the sense of hope this franchise is all about. The air is clean, the sky is bright, multiple alien species are working in unity, and Giacchino’s again excellent score just lifts up the sense of optimism that bleeds through this place. It is a wonderful addition to not only this film but Trek lore as a whole.

7) This film introduces what I believe is Star Trek’s first canon gay character by revealing that John Cho’s Hikaru Sulu is in a partnership with another man.

(GIF originally posted by @maclexa-bane​)

However, this decision had one person surprisingly against it. Original Sulu actor and LGBT activist George Takei himself. Here is an excerpt from an article covering this in the Hollywood Reporter.

"I’m delighted that there’s a gay character," he tells The Hollywood Reporter. "Unfortunately, it’s a twisting of Gene’s creation, to which he put in so much thought. I think it’s really unfortunate."

Takei would take to social media a week later to clarify - but not disavow - his statement.

“I hoped instead that [Star Trek creator] Gene Roddenberry’s original characters and their backgrounds would be respected. How exciting it would be instead if a new hero might be created, whose story could be fleshed out from scratch, rather than reinvented. To me, this would have been even more impactful.”

I personally disagree with Takei. As a film student I can say that there seems to be this strange devotion to the “vision” of something. A decision will or won’t be made based on its support of the “original vision”. The original vision of something is almost totally irrelevant to what something actually is, however. Takei’s statements seem to be largely out of his respect for original creator Gene Rodenberry, which I can understand. But imagine some gay kid today LOVES the Star Trek movies and its characters. That kid is not going to care about Gene Rodenberry’s original vision, he is going to care about what Star Trek is today. I think seeing an already established (and incredibly important character) like Sulu express his sexuality in an open and accepted way is very much in line with what Star Trek is today (and will also have more of an impact on that kid than introducing a new character who they have no emotional investment in, but that's just my personal belief).

The franchise has transcended Rodenberry or any one person involved. It is about unity (a major theme in this film), diversity, tolerance, and hope. And as long as it respects these core beliefs which make Star Trek what it is than I think it does more than respect Rodenberry’s original vision. It respects Star Trek.

8) I am going to talk about Spock and Uhura’s breakup and Spock Prime’s death, I promise. Just later.

9) Even though JJ Abrams did NOT direct this film, Greg Grunberg is still featured in it!

Grunberg is JJ Abrams’ lucky charm, appearing in almost all his films (notably absent from Star Trek into Darkness) in one form or another. And even though Abrams serves only as producer on this flick Grunberg still gets a part. Yay!

10) I like that Commodore Paris (one of the Starfleet higher ups at Yorktown) takes the time to say this to Kirk:

Commodore Paris: “It isn’t uncommon you know, even for a captain. To want to leave.”

It’s a common problem people have in life, the loss of identity. And of course it makes sense that it happens to Starfleet officers. Nothing is defined in space. It’s just space.

11) The skirmish between Kraal’s crew and the Enterprise is great.

As a way of introducing the primary plot into the film, it shows a clear lack of preparedness on the part of the Enterprise crew which is a great place to start the conflict and move forward. A, “started from the bottom,” type way. The film opening with such a heavy thrashing and the destruction of the Enterprise leaves a strong impact on the audience. You know these bad guys are people you do not want to mess with, you don’t even want to be in the same room as them. They just took down one of the best starships ever in a matter of minutes. The scene features great action, nice surprises, and is incredibly well paced. As the first major action set piece for the film, it is truly great.

12)

Kirk: “Abandon ship, Mr. Sulu.”

There is literally NO question from Sulu and only a the hesitation needed to process that request. He doesn’t even say, “Sir?” There’s no doubt in his mind. That is how much he trusts his captain and that is how well he knows his ship to admit when it’s done.

13) Idris Elba as Krall.

I will forever be upset that Suicide Squad won the Oscar for Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling when this film is PACKED with some of the most amazing practical creatures and aliens I have seen in years. You don’t have to look any further than Krall to see that. Idris Elba is not giving an animated performance, he’s not motion capture (not to knock motion capture actors, they’re some of the most under appreciated geniuses in Hollywood). That’s him. He is able to deliver a menacing and powerful performance through strong physicality. Elba does not play Krall as human and he shouldn’t. A huge factor for the character is that he’s lost his humanity. He is a beastly shade of his former self, motivated only by madness. I think Krall may be the best villain of this new trilogy (although it’s hard for me to be objective because Nero is still my favorite). Honestly, Elba freaking kills it as Krall and I don’t think they could have cast anyone to do a better job.

From a writing standpoint, Krall just gets more and more interesting as the film goes on.

Krall [after Uhura claims he has made an act of war against the federation]: “Federation act of war!”

But more on this later.

14) This film benefits from unique groupings for a good part of the film. Bones/Spock are the most prominent, but it’s not often you get to see Kirk and Chekov interact one-on-one or Uhura and Sulu. But for now, let’s talk about Bones & Spock.

I don’t think Bones and Spock get as much one on one time as they do in this film and I am so grateful for that. It provides a unique examination of their usually humorously tense interactions which was touched upon in The Search for Spock. I’ll discuss this more as I go (in one scene in particular), but they are able to be vulnerable around each other. Let their guards down, be totally honest, and make their friendship even stronger.

15) Sofia Boutella as Jaylah.

I fucking love Jaylah. So much. I want more Jaylah.

To start, her design is incredibly unique and memorable. It helps her standout from not only the rest of the Enterprise crew but the rest of the inhabitants on the planet as well. And from the strong visual you are able to build into a living, breathing, unique character. She fits into the crew dynamics (particularly through her relationship with Scotty) wonderfully well and she is a kick ass queen. She is a technical genius with no training or teaching, able to set up a number of booby traps/cloak the Franklin/keep auxiliary power going. She has this deep pain that is in direct relation to Kirk’s. Her father - her entire family - died trying to save her, just as Kirk’s did. She has fears, she has strengths, she loves punk music! Jaylah on paper is amazing and actress Sofia Boutella is incredible in the part. Boutella is able to portray all of Jaylah’s wonderful layers - her badass exterior, her painful past, her growth and dealing with her fears - beautifully. Boutella is a star on the rise in Hollywood (already having starred in Kingsman and appearing as the title character in the new Mummy film coming out soon) and to date this is - I think - her best performance. She is just SO good.

A quick final note: it has been said by the filmmakers that they will not be recasting Chekov after Anton Yelchin’s death. I want Jaylah to take his place on the bridge. Because I fucking love Jaylah.

16) The relationship Jaylah and Scotty forge is so fun and heartfelt. Jaylah is able to constantly surprise Scotty and show that she’s his equal in a lot of ways, but when it comes to the pain of her past Scotty is able to help her deal with that. It’s one of my favorite relationships explored in the film and I hope to see it continue in the future.

17) The relationship with Kirk and Chekov is explored a little more subtly than say Bones and Spock but it is still there. The fact that Kirk is able to signal Chekov to help him trap the traitor amongst their midsts, and then of course this wonderful piece of dialogue.

(GIFs originally posted by @alecc-bane​)

Seeing any two characters have this back and forth suggests they’ve done it before. There’s a comfort there that Chekov is able to talk to Kirk so honestly about his doubts and...I’m sorry, I’m just laughing thinking about this scene. I love the exchange between the pair.

18) So it later turns out that Krall is a captain named Edison from VERY early in the Federation’s life span.

Krall: “Federation has taught you that conflict should not exist.”

Krall [MUCH later]: “We knew pain, we knew terror. Struggle made us strong. Not peace, not unity.”

He is an outdated relic, an ancient ideology in a progressive time who thinks HIS way of life was right. And he’s willing to commit mass genocide because of his outdated and hateful ways. There’s also a lose of identity there, as he tells Kirk in the climax, “I’ve missed being me.” That lose of identity in the face of infinite space is exactly what Kirk is at risk of going through, so there’s a connection there between the two that ties back in to Kirk’s main conflict (something that I love). All in all, Krall’s pain is utterly unique in the Star Trek films I’ve seen and I am impressed with the elegance they were able to write it.

19) Spock and Bones having a heart-to-heart about where Spock is in life is one of the best scenes in the film.

It is in this moment when Spock is at his most vulnerable, and it’s with Bones. He speaks as to how being one of the last Vulcan’s effects him, how it was that and the death of Spock-Prime which upset him so deeply he even broke up with Uhura because he thought he had to. He’s planning on leaving Starfleet. But Bones is an excellent friend in this scenes, listening to Spock and offering some kind non-judgmental words. He even gets Spock to laugh! It’s a great moment between these two characters who have been around for 50 years and I think one of the best character moments in all of Trek.

20) Did I mention I love Jaylah?

Jaylah [about her punk music]: “I like the beats and shouting!”

21) If I haven’t made it clear before, this film has some very well done humor. I think this is largely a result of Simon Pegg’s work on the script, but it wouldn’t have worked if cowriter Doug Jung hadn’t worked with him on it. Some examples...

Scotty: “I have an idea sir, but I’ll need your permission.”

Kirk: “Why would you need my permission?”

Scotty: “Because if I mess it up I don’t want it to be just my fault.”

22) So 2009′s Star Trek was about Kirk and Spock moving past their conflict to form a respect and kinship with each other. Star Trek Into Darkness had them solidifying their friendship. And now we’ve reached this point:

Spock [while severely injured]: “We will do what we’ve always done, Jim: find hope in the impossible.”

23) I think something the filmmakers really use to their advantage is taking problems and solving them in a creative way through the sci-fi genre (where aliens are a norm and we have artificial gravity and such). A brilliant example of this:

(GIFs originally posted by @trek-daily)

Also this is all practical makeup. Did I mention this film lost the makeup and hairstyling award to Suicide Squad? I’m bitter.

24) The funniest freaking part of the entire movie!

25) I know I mentioned this before, but Jaylah’s past trauma with her family is incredibly strong for me.

Jaylah [talking about Krall’s hostage camp; refusing to take Kirk and company to their crew]: “Everyone who goes there he kills!”

And it is just another great example of the relationship Scotty and Jaylah have made.

Kirk [after Jaylah leaves & Scotty moves to go after her]: “Let her go.”

Scotty: “She’s lost people too, Captain.”

The fact that Scotty is able to help Jaylah through her grief in a respectful but pressing way speaks a lot to me. And Kirk overhears this, specifically that Jaylah’s dad sacrificed himself for her. Hmm, why does that sound familiar?

The entire scene is great for me for those key reasons: it develops Jaylah, it strengths her relationship with Scotty, and it ties into Kirk’s conflict in the film.

26) The entire diversion/rescue scene on the motorcycle is awesome and one of the strongest set pieces in the entire film. It is brilliantly and intelligently choreographed, keeping the audience and Krall on their toes through the use of decoy projections. It also features a fight between Jaylah and Mannix which ties directly into her arc as he is the man who killed her father. And Kirk - who said to, “Let her go,” about ten minutes earlier - risks himself to save her. She’s a part of his crew now and I love that.

27) Remember how in the 2009 Star Trek Sulu messed up the take off of the Enterprise the first time? Well, I think the phrase, “started from the bottom now we’re here,” applies perfectly to this moment.

(GIF originally posted by @toakenshire)

30) I just love Jaylah’s face when she sees Krall’s planet drift away in the distance. That place was her hell. Her family was murdered there. She never thought she’d be able to escape. And now...

31) Ladies & gentlemen: the most badass moment in Star Trek’s 50 year history.

Some highlights:

Kirk saying, “That’s a good choice,” tying directly into Young Kirk rocking out to this song in the 2009 film.

Bones: “Is that classical music?”

Chekov toe tapping.

Just how f***ing awesome that moment is. It gets you pumped!

I don’t know who had the initial idea to put this scene in the film, but I love them and I want to give them an award or something. This is glorious.

32) The climactic fist fight between Kirk and Krall is a lot of fun. Similar to Syl’s alien head hiding an important piece of technology, the filmmakers are able to use the concept of artificial gravity in a space station to their advantage by choreographing a unique and fun fight scene.

33) And with this Kirk resolves his conflict of identity in relation to his father.

Kirk: “Better to die saving lives than to live taking them. That’s what I was born into.”

34) I love that Kirk says this but for a weird personal reason. It’s something I learned as a film student and something I wish other directing students (and a lot of professional directors) would learn.

Kirk [after Commodore Paris says he saved the lives of everyone in Yorktown]: “It wasn’t just me. It never is.”

35) Holy shit, I honestly cannot believe I forgot that Spock found this in Spock Prime’s belongings:

Not only is this a wonderful thing to include in the 50th anniversary of Star Trek but also it is something Spock REALLY needed to see. He wanted to live the life Spock Prime did and he thought that meant continuing the work on new Vulcan. But then he sees that Spock Prime was with the Enterprise crew DECADES into a future. He had a family for life. And so does Spock.

36) It’s hard for your eyes not to fall on Anton Yelchin when Kirk makes a toast, “To the Enterprise and to absent friends.”

(GIF originally posted by @soundsofmyuniverse)

37) The fact that the entire main crew of the Enterprise gives the ending monologue for the first time speaks greatly to themes of unity present in the film and Kirk’s giving them credit.

38) And now I’m sad again.

39) “Sledgehammer” by Rihanna.

It’s not often that I talk about an end credits song for a film, but I felt I should make an exception this case. Rihanna is a major Star Trek fan, saying:

"This is something that's been a part of me since my childhood, it's never left me, I love Star Trek. It was automatic. I would do anything in terms of music. It's such a big deal not only as a fan, as a musician... because Star Trek is such a big deal across the globe."

You can feel the love for Trek come across in the song. Not necessarily a radio pop hit, I love this song nonetheless. I find it moving and it’s themes of fighting back after you get knocked down very much tie into the hope and resilience which is Star Trek. I think it is a wonderful composition and a great addition to the Star Trek musical library.

I love Star Trek Beyond. Although the 2009 film introduced me to the franchise, this film has the potential overtime to claim its place as my favorite Trek film. It is an absolutely perfect balance of old and new Trek, featuring standout writing, amazing effects, new ideas, a vibrant visual design, and a standout cast (with special mention to Sofia Boutella as Jaylah). It is a totally wonderful that taps into the hope and sense of adventure that the series has always been about. If you were disappointed with Star Trek Into Darkness or are looking to reclaim some love for the series - or even if you’re watching for the first time - give this film a viewing. You won’t regret it.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: Cover Reveal and Excerpt: YOU’RE NEXT By Kylie Schachte

We’ve got a debut murder mystery for you to put on your radar. Check out the cover for You’re Next by Kylie Schachte, out June 2020, and read the exclusive excerpt below! When a girl with a troubled history of finding dead bodies investigates the murder of her ex, she uncovers a plot to put herself—and everyone she loves—on the list of who’s next. Flora Calhoun has a reputation for sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. After stumbling upon a classmate’s body years ago, the trauma of that discovery and the police’s failure to find the killer has haunted her ever since. One night, she gets a midnight text from Ava McQueen, the beautiful girl who had ignited Flora’s heart last summer, then never spoke to her again. Just in time to witness Ava’s death from a gunshot wound, Flora is set on a path of rage and vengeance for all the dead girls whose killer is never found. Her tunnel-visioned sleuthing leads to valuable clues about a shocking conspiracy involving her school and beyond, but also earns her sinister threats from the murderer. She has a choice—to give up the hunt for answers, or keep digging and risk her loved ones’ lives. Either way, Flora will regret the consequences. Who’s next on the killer’s list? Chapter 1 Greg Garcy leers at me from his mug shot: bastard doesn’t know I’ve nailed him yet. I clutch his WANTED flyer in my hand and race down the hall, but I can’t look away from his crushed, sneering nose and bleary eyes. You can’t run from me. The bell rings. Damn. I’m so going to be late for chem. I spent my free period in the parking lot listening to the police scanner on my phone and lost track of time. It was worth it. Garcy is wanted for a string of serial rapes upstate. He’s attacked dozens of women, and he was allowed to get away with it for years. Until now. The hot pulse of adrenaline zips through me as I dash through the halls. I got him. I really got him. I need to run a plate, but⎯ I slam into someone. The Garcy flyer, my bag, pens, and various notebooks scatter across the hallway. There’s a brief tangle of sharp elbows, and I yelp when the corner of my chem textbook lands on my toe. Of course this is the day I didn’t wear my steel-toed boots. “Balls! Fuck! Ow! Shit!” I yell. “Flora Calhoun, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” I squint through the red haze of stubbed-toe agony. Ava McQueen gathers up my papers, pens, and the lone tampon I dropped. One corner of her plum-painted mouth tugs up in a troublemaker’s smile, and a fizzy feeling climbs the back of my neck. It’s been eight months and four days since the last time I kissed her, but I still remember exactly how her lips felt against mine. “H-hey, Ava.” I drop down to help her. “How you been? Haven’t seen you around much.” Yeah. We haven’t talked a whole lot since you started avoiding me. “Um, good. You know, same old bullshit.” She picks Garcy’s WANTED flyer up off the ground and stands. “Clearly.” I blush, which is basically the most annoying thing in the world when you’re a redhead. Ava always makes me feel like I’ve just missed the last step in the staircase. Ava is a year older than me, but we took the same elective on the history of political activism during my freshman year. One day, she shut down this Young Conservatives idiot who called the Black Panthers a terrorist organization. Everyone clapped, Mr. Young Con crapped his khakis, and I fell in love. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she plays bass guitar, or that she’s bananas hot. I mean, with her curls done up in adorable space buns, and the lipstick, and that funny little smile she’s still giving me? Which is super confusing, since she hasn’t smiled at me like that in a long time. Eight months and four days. Can’t be thinking about that. I focus on shoving my stuff back into my bag. “Oh, uh. You know me. Can’t keep myself out of trouble.” She does know. I’ve always suspected that’s why she stopped talking to me⎯stopped kissing me⎯in the first place. Ava stares at the flyer in her hand. When she glances up at me, the teasing smile has vanished, and something dark flickers in her expression. She looks down again, trying to hide it. If there’s one thing I know, it’s what fear looks like. I take a half step forward, any weirdness between us forgotten. “Ava? Are you okay?” She fingers the edge of the paper. “You ever do something stupid? I mean, like, really, really stupid? Can’t-take-it-back stupid?” “Almost every day.” My face heats again. Why did I say that? “You know”—Ava’s eyes flick from Garcy’s face to mine—“I believe that.” That stings, but I ignore it. “Ava, if you’re in trouble, I can help you.” She opens her mouth, but her eyes catch on something over my shoulder. She stills. I glance behind me. Nothing but the usual throng of people trying to get to their lockers. No one looks this way. Ava folds the Garcy flyer in half, then quarters. “No worries. I have it under control.” I take another step toward her. “Seriously, I do this kind of stuff all the time. I know we haven’t, um, talked much lately, but I can⎯” Ava’s smile is cold, nothing like before. Shit. I shouldn’t have brought up the her-and-me stuff. “I got it. Just being dumb, right? Nothing I can’t handle. You take care of yourself, Flora.” She tucks the flyer back into my bag. For a second, she’s close enough that I smell her warm, woodsy perfume, but she walks away before I can get another word out. I’m being dumb, right? She just remembered that she doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s all. So why is my chest suddenly tight with dread? I shake off my confusion and chase after her, but by the time I round the corner, she’s already gone. I tap my pen on the worksheet in front of me. Balance the equation: C5H8O2 + NaH + HCl → C5H12O2 + NaCl I usually like the tidiness of balancing equations, but today I can’t focus. Was Ava worried, or am I manufacturing an excuse to talk to her? Or maybe she was scared, but she didn’t want to talk to me about it? “Dude, please. You have to listen.” Two tables away, Damian Rivera scribbles on a slip of paper and slides it across the desk to his best friend, Penn Williams. Penn knocks the note to the floor without looking up. The space beneath his desk is littered with scraps of paper. I lean forward in my seat. Is that a bruise on his cheek? It’s a faint yellowy-purple, like he tried to cover it with makeup. That’s not sketchy at all. “Please,” Damian hisses. “Let me explain.” Penn’s chair scrapes against the linoleum as he stands. He grabs the bathroom pass off its hook and stalks out of the room. Is it me, or is he limping a little? Mrs. Varner calls out, “Ten more minutes, guys, then we’ll discuss.” I’m only on question two. Between Garcy and Ava, I have enough intrigue in my life for one day. I drag my attention back to the double displacement reaction on my paper. Balance the equation… Penn never returns to class. When the bell finally rings, Damian races out the door. Rushing to hunt down his friend, maybe? Those abandoned scraps of paper are still on the floor. I shouldn’t. The last thing I need is to get sucked into the breakup of Penn and Damian’s bromance. I bend down and scoop the notes up. The first one says: I’m sorry. Please talk to me. The second: You have to understand. And the third: You don’t know what she’ll do to me. I pocket the scraps of paper and leave the classroom. “I have so much to tell you.” Cassidy Yang, my best and only friend, waits for me in the hall. She’s kind of impossible to miss in her oversize safety-orange sweater. Straw-like blond hair peeks out from under her gray beanie. She bleached her hair months ago, and now the black is making a comeback. When I try stuff like that, I look like an idiot. When Cass does, she looks like she’s in some magazine spread on street style. “What’s up?” I ask, my mind still half stuck on Ava’s terrified face. Cass and I make our way down the hall. She’s practically vibrating with enthusiasm. One kid winces as he passes, like he’s blinded by her sweater. “They did it!” she says. “They finally approved the funds for rock ensemble.” “Seriously? That’s awesome.” For the first time this afternoon, my anxiety about Ava fades a little. “I know!” Cass does a gleeful little shimmy. “There are only seven spots in the class, though. I have to do some intense practice tonight. Auditions are tomorrow.” “You should bring some of your original songs.” Cass stops dancing. “Maybe.” I roll my eyes. I was a little surprised a year ago when Cass bought a guitar and started teaching herself to play from YouTube videos. She’d never expressed any kind of interest in it before, but she’s already really good. She still gets shy about her own songwriting, though. I don’t push it. “Hey, you’re in history with Penn Williams, right? Have you noticed anything weird lately?” Cass considers it. “Not really, but that’s normal. Penn’s so quiet.” I tell her what I saw in chem class. “You think he’s in trouble?” she asks. “Maybe. Or maybe I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.” “Well, you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t,” she says dryly. “Should we try some good old-fashioned internet stalking? If Penn’s got issues, bet you it’s all over Instagram.” We spend the rest of the walk to her car discussing post frequency, content, and filter choices as possible clues of distress. A few times, I almost tell Cass about the strange, tense conversation I had with Ava, but then I don’t. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe it was the same old awkwardness between Ava and me, left over from last summer. If I bring her up now, Cass will want to talk about it. It might have been eight months and four days, but I’d still rather launch myself into the blazing sun than deal with all those feelings. Cass drops me off, and I promise to call later to help her prep for the audition. “I’m home!” I call out, dumping my stuff in the doorway. “Yes, I was able to deduce that from the sound of the door opening at precisely the same time you come home every day.” My grandfather appears in the doorway. I’m about 99 percent certain he’s ex-CIA from the golden years when they had free rein to deal with those pesky Russians. William Calhoun has been retired for years, but he still wears a custom-tailored suit every day. “You know, most parental guardians open with a ‘Hello, honey, how was your day?’ when their progeny return from the battlefield of high school education.” “How quaint.” He retrieves my bag from the floor and throws me a pointed look as he hangs it neatly on its hook. The scents of butter and cinnamon draw me into the kitchen. “Did you make cookies?” “Yes, I thought you might appreciate a post-battle snickerdoodle.” “Forget those other loser grandfathers, you’re the best,” I call back. I’ve always wondered if he learned to bake when he was undercover. He’s a little too good at it. Gramps hums to himself as he dons oven mitts and pulls out a fresh batch of cookies. He’s downright cheerful today. I guess it’s as good a time as any to ask. “So, I need a favor.” He ignores me and grabs a spatula. Maybe some buttering up is in order. “I have a new theory about you,” I tell him. “You were attempting to unveil a Soviet spy stationed within the French government. You went undercover as a baker’s apprentice at the patisserie where the pinko went every morning for his petit déjeuner, and that’s where you learned this delicious sorcery.” I brandish my cookie in the air for emphasis. “Inventive.” He scrapes dried batter off the tray. “So, this favor…” No one sighs like William Calhoun. So soft, and yet weighted with such vexation. He begins transferring cookies from the baking sheet to the cooling rack. “In case I have not mentioned it yet today, I must tell you that your tenacity is a rather ugly character flaw. What can I do for you this time? Plant listening devices in the home of a Venezuelan dignitary? Order the assassination of your physical education teacher?” “Nah, I’m saving that one for a graduation present. I was hoping one of your old buddies could run a plate for me?” “I thought we had finally realized that potential love interests seldom appreciate stalking as a precursor to courtship.” “Yeah, well, if I never have a serious relationship, we’ll know who’s to blame. No crush. It’s Greg Garcy.” I pull the WANTED flyer from my bag. “The case has been cold for months, but I heard on the tip line he’s been spotted a few times in the area. I’ve got a lead on the car.” “Flora, we have discussed this.” He scoops fresh cookie dough onto the baking sheet. “I do not mind you illegally tapping into the police phone system; I simply don’t wish to hear about it.” “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’ll call some of your friends in Virginia?” He blinks. “I have no idea what you mean. I was nothing but a humble midlevel diplomat.” “Is that why there’s a framed photo of you and William J. Donovan, founder of the CIA, on your desk?” I ask through a mouthful of cookie. “Has anyone mentioned how off-putting it is for young ladies to be so observant?” “Yes. You. Frequently.” “Well, all right, then. I will call up some of the old boys for you.” “I love you, and not because you’re my affable and genteel grandfather, but because of the goods and services I can extort from you.” “I would expect no less.” Olive walks into the kitchen. She’s dressed for ballet class, every strand of her hair pulled up tight in a perfect bun. I finger the ends of my own sloppy braid. Olive is only thirteen, but she has her shit way more together than me. “Mom called.” She grabs a banana from the fruit bowl to put in her bag. “You just missed her.” Yeah, I bet. My mother has lived in Germany for the last year and a half. She’s a painter at this artist-in-residence thing in Berlin. She was only supposed to be gone for six months, but here we are. She knows my school schedule, and yet somehow she always calls about fifteen minutes before I get home. It’s a convenient way for her to pretend to be my mother without having to, you know, mother me. “Hm,” is all I can think to say. Gramps watches me, but I avoid his eyes. “She’s good, if you were wondering. Her gallery show is next weekend.” Olive’s spine has gone very straight. She does that when she’s annoyed⎯practices her dance posture. “That’s great.” I try to sound sincere, but it mostly comes out exhausted. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel about my mom anymore. Olive rolls her eyes. My attempts to appease her only piss her off. Olive and I get along about as well as any sisters would, for the most part, but it’s no secret she blames me for Mom leaving. She’s not wrong. Olive turns to my grandfather. “Can we go?” “Of course.” He wipes the flour from his hands with a dish towel. As they’re about to leave, he turns to me with pretend sternness. “Allow those cookies to cool before gorging, please.” I give him a salute. “Yes, sir.” “I’ll get that license plate for you this evening.” The look in his eyes is gentle, and a little sad. He doesn’t really know how to feel about the Mom stuff, either. “Thanks.” That night, after my grandfather has plied me with more tacos than I should reasonably be able to fit inside me, I call in the Garcy tip. The cops aren’t particularly thrilled to hear from me—we don’t have the best working relationship—but Gramps cashed in a favor with the Department of Transportation and got me the tollbooth photos of Garcy entering the area, his face and license plate number clear as day. Hard for the police to ignore me when I hand them a perp on that kind of silver platter. In the state of New York, you must be at least twenty-five years of age and have a minimum of three years’ relevant experience to apply for a private investigator’s license. Needless to say, I fall short on all of the requirements. The cops pretend that I’m some dumb kid who barely stays out of their way. I play along because it protects their delicate egos and keeps them occupied while I do my job. Because it is a job. Garcy was a special case—I found him in an article about how the NYPD finally tested thousands of rape kits they’d held in storage for years—but most of the time I work for hire, and I get paid. All under the table, of course, and if the IRS ever calls, Cass and I are running a very lucrative babysitting business. I pull up all of Penn’s and Damian’s social media accounts and start combing through them. The two of them are part of that crowd that hangs out in the art studio during their free periods, so most of their pictures are of their work. Half of Damian’s feed is taken up by progress shots of a giant white snake sculpture. There are no obvious signs of distress, but one thing sticks out to me right away: up until about three weeks ago, both Penn and Damian commented on every single one of each other’s posts. And then nothing. I hesitate, then pull up Ava’s profile. I haven’t let myself look at this in a long time, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong and Ava was too afraid to talk. Not much has changed on her feed. Lots of pictures of her and her friends, laughing and goofing off. A screenshot of a bell hooks quote. A dark, grainy video of her playing her bass in her bedroom. I scroll down farther. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. There: last July. One picture, the only proof that the two of us were ever anything. A selfie she insisted we take. We’re lying on our backs; our cheeks are pressed together. I’m flushed with giddy embarrassment. Ava’s smile is as dopey and glittering as mine. No hint that a month later she would refuse to speak to me, let alone be in the same room. If you look closely, you can see the floral print of my pillowcase under her head. My phone vibrates. Ava McQueen’s name lights up my screen. There’s a flutter of fear and pleasure in the no-man’s-land below my belly button. Does she know I was looking at her, somehow? Does she want to talk to me? But she had that look on her face earlier. That dark look. “Hello?” “Flora?” Ava whispers. “I need your help.” #YoungAdultLiterature #Excerpts #Mystery/Thriller #CoverReveal

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/cover-reveal-and-excerpt-you-re-next-by-kylie-schachte

[jenniferfaye34]

#Giveaway + Excerpt ~ Love's Remains by Jacqueline Simon Gunn... #books #WomensFiction @JSimonGunn

On Tour with Prism Book Tours

Book Tour Grand Finale for

Love's Remains

By Jacqueline Simon Gunn

We hope you enjoyed the tour! If you missed any of the stops you'll find snippets, as well as the link to each full post, below:

Launch - Author Interview

What do you hope readers take with them after they’ve read it? I hope that readers will find something of themselves, something relatable within each character that will offer insight into their own relationships and choices and/or the possibility to think about their relationships differently. So many people find themselves in difficult relationships, holding on when it’s painful, staying when they want to go, being pulled toward the wrong people, not loving those who love them. The answers to these questions are complicated and not the same for everyone. That’s why I chose a fictional format as opposed to non-fiction. Instead of telling readers what they should do or advising, I wanted to give them the opportunity to see various relationship situations in action and then show “why,” show the motivation for the characters’ actions. I hoped by revealing the psychology through the characters, readers would find their own answers upon reflection. But the book is filled with drama and tension and like any other fiction writer, I hope my readers will enjoy the story.

underneath the covers - Guest Post

What does Alex learn from moving on? Sometimes when we love we give so much of ourselves that when the relationship isn’t working it’s very hard to let go; our sense of self is invested and embedded in the relationship. We create illusions and hold on to them to make staying make sense. We create narratives to excuse behavior towards us that makes us feel bad. . .

E-Romance News - Excerpt

I pulled her against me as we walked. We had taken our shoes off and were strolling along the edge of the ocean, the water washing in and out splashing against our feet. She loved the ocean at night, same as I do. “Let’s go in,” she said. “We are a little overdressed.” I raised my brow. She was always full of surprises. As self-conscious as she said she felt, she did things that reflected her freedom or her desire for it. Just like me. It was intoxicating to be with a woman who I didn’t feel like I’d be tied down by. Someone I could want to be with all the time, not feel like I had to be with.

Colorimetry - Guest Post

Do we love people forever? Since Love’s Remains explores what’s left between two people after the relationship is gone, people have written in and asked me if I think we ever truly get over someone. Love’s Remains addresses this theme in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. So, for example, Will has an estranged relationship with his father and new issues arise for him in the context of this relationship. The story shows that although he barely talks to his dad, there are ‘remains’ of that relationship within him that affect him in ways that he might not have even realized until he’s confronted with the unresolved emotions. . .

From Me to You ... Video, Photography, & Book Reviews - Interview

Jess : Which usually comes first for you, the character(s), story or the idea for the novel? Jacqueline : Before I even begin writing a book, I usually have a vague sense of the story and the underlying themes I’d like to explore. When I actually start pounding the keyboard, I begin with the development of my main characters, holding the story in the back of my mind, but letting the characters sort of take over the direction. It’s like being a passenger. I’m there, but I’m not driving once we get going.

Wishful Endings - Guest Post

Why do we love, love stories? If you think about any movie or book, even those that aren’t in the romance genre, there’s often a subplot that involves a romance or teases us with the possibility of one. When people come into therapy, no matter what the presenting complaint is, relationships inevitably become a central topic. . .

Paulette's Papers - Guest Post

Why do you usually write from multiple points of view? Most of my fiction books have at least three points of view. I do this because I want to understand what’s motivating each character, and I want my readers to see that choices do not happen in a vacuum. Every decision made has an impact on those close to us and then those close to them and so on. In this way, there are always webs between groups of people even when the connections are not obvious and/or the relationships are remote. . .

I'm All About Books - Guest Post

What does the relationship between Alex and Cecilia reveal? The unfolding of the friendship between Alex and Cecilia was unexpected. At first, Cecilia was meant to be a secondary character, but the deeper I got into the story the more fascinated I became with her psychological make-up, her background and her decisions. Her unpredictability had me captivated. . .

Reading On The Edge - Excerpt

“You’ve ruined my life.” “I thought we were waaaay past this.” “That’s easy for you to say. I didn’t hurt you over and over and over.” “I hurt myself by hurting you.” His face wore a look of compassion. I hated that look, because it reminded me that he was a good person, that he had tried over and over to apologize. He unwittingly brought out the part of me that I hated, and I projected that hate onto him, because it was easier to hate someone else than to hate myself. Tears poured out of my eyes. And he wrapped his arms around me, holding me as wept.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway at the end of this post, if you haven't already...

Love's Remains (Where You'll Land #2) By Jacqueline Simon Gunn Women’s Fiction, Contemporary Romance Paperback & ebook, 250 Pages June 4th 2019 The second year of graduate school started out as a new beginning. I felt stronger. My heart had stitched itself up. I had finally healed enough on the inside to let love flourish once again. But an ever-present ex-boyfriend made the unresolved emotions between us impossible to ignore. Then new complications emerged: Said ex-boyfriend began dating Cecilia, who just happened to be the ex-girlfriend of my new love interest. I should have hated her. I wanted to hate her. But, I have to admit, I liked her. As the semester progressed, the tangled web between us deepened in ways I never could have anticipated, and it spread to those closest to us. We had the same classes, the same friends, the same interests. Then, of course, there were all the secrets, some of which could ruin the love I believed I wanted, I deserved. Once again, I got pulled into the dizzying vortex of all that remained unfinished. And doubt crept in. Had I really healed enough to make myself vulnerable again? Had I made the right choices? But the big question is: Can we ever really leave past relationships behind? This is the second book in the Where You'll Land series, but can be read as a stand-alone.

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Other Books in the Series

Where You'll Land

(Where You'll Land #1)

By Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Women’s Fiction, Contemporary Romance

Paperback & ebook, 408 Pages

January 8th 2019

After a bad breakup, I packed up my life and moved to Miami to study for my doctorate in psychology. I made one promise to myself: Do not get romantically involved while I was in school. I needed to heal. And then Will Easton came into my life. He was warm and sweet and intelligent. And he got me. What I didn’t know was that Will was running from a tragedy of his own. When you try to escape your past without confronting your emotions, you repeat those same past patterns over and over. And that’s just what happened to Will and me, along with a few others who got swept up into the storm that was our relationship. Then came the awful secret. The one that changed everything. Sometimes the most painful relationships are the ones that help us grow into who we are and to find the love we had been searching for all along. Which begs the question: Can we choose who we love?

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About the Author Jacqueline Simon Gunn is a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and writer. She has authored two non-fiction books, and co-authored two others. She has published many articles, both scholarly and mainstream, and currently works as a freelance writer. With her academic and clinical experience in psychology, Gunn is now writing psychological fiction. Her Close Enough to Kill series, explores the delicate line between passion and obsession, love and hate, and offers readers an elaborate look into the mind of a murderer. In addition to her clinical work and writing, Gunn is an avid runner and reader. She is currently working on multiple writing projects, including three romance novels.

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Tour Giveaway

One winner will receive:

A Kindle Copy of Where You'll Land

A Kindle Copy of Love's Remains

A $10 Amazon Gift Card

Open to Kindle users

Ends July 31, 2019

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