#I know the perspective is kinda off but I'm doing my best! Never thought I'd end up actually trying to practice it lol

[caffichai]

Torso warning: don't look below if you don't wanna see bare torso!!

@kiakisart 's character Endrya for a trade

If you don't already follow Kiaki (here or on Twitter by the same name), what are ya doing? Go!!

[brujamala-aka-gigi]

౨ৎ ⋆˚ masterpost ࿔ ෆ ⋆

tarot decks ✶ pac readings ✶ ko-fi page

✶ ✶ ✶ personal reading services ✶ ✶ ✶

most images are from pinterest, others are mine, dividers by @v6que

₊˚⊹ ʚɞ ‧₊˚ ♡ about me 𝜗𝜚 ⊹ ‧₊

Hello there, my name Gigi, I'm a social studies nerd, a visual artist and some people call me a bruja, they're right but it's usually said with bad intentions. This is a blog where I mostly do whatever I find fun and helpful. I was raised around a great diversity of esoteric traditions but I'm also a nerd about it so of course I had to learn the old, the new, the conventional, the non conventional, the light, the dark, etc. I begin my training as a tarot reader and my esoteric journey at the age of 12, by 15 I was already allowed to share my practices with others (yes I'm kinda a burned out gifted kid tbh and it's not a flex), which is what I'm the most passionate about. I've been working on and off as a professional tarot reader, but mostly in spanish (I live in the countryside of a south american country). So I decided to try out doing it online as a side hustle, since to be honest, working as a tarot reader brings me a deep sense of joy and contempt. Personally I believe that the best part about reading cards for other's relies on the fact that it's a valuable learning experience for both parts, and it's beautiful to see someone grow and face any adversities they have in their way. At the moment, I'm working full time as a tarot reader/astrology reader on an app for esoteric practitioners, and also running this blog, hoping it becomes a nice space for anyone who is into approaching tarot by embracing all the possibilities it has to offer. My work on the app (I can't name it because of my contract) is mostly oriented to predictive and esoteric approaches, I also do a lot more astrology there nowadays, so this blog is less about predictions and spirituality and more about making mysticism, philosophy and esoteric traditions more practical to everyday life without taking away the depth or the power coming from this knowledge.

･˚𝜗𝜚˚⋆ *˚ about my work ⁺ ✦ * .

Before you get to checking what's there to do, I'd like to say that I basically been reading tarot's for most of my conscious life, and I've seen and heard plenty of different perspectives, situations, and so on.  After that I came to the conclusion that the most important thing for me whenever I'm offering my reading services, is that you and I can sort of work together on how the reading gets done. 

My biggest concern when reading for others is that I can communicate the messages from the tarot in a way that's efficient for both of us. I'm always willing to learn and listen without judging, because that way both of us can find the most meaningful and valuable way to approach the reading. 

That's the reason why I specify the length of the readings and the main idea behind them but I don't limit too much the possibilities of what can be asked specifically on that reading. When I read for others, I'm more concerned about respecting and embracing their experiences and thoughts when it comes to tarot, than to impose mine. Not everyone is down for a spiritual experience, not everyone needs the shadow work, or the practical jungian stuff, maybe you don't want to know about the future, or you do but only about the good, and so on.  

To sum it up:

ꕤ I value individuality, empathy and mutual respect, therefore i will never judge, discriminate or belittle the thoughts and experiences of anyone. 

ꕤ My focus here is to make sure everyone has the possibility to find knowledge in a way that's helpful and meaningful to their personal and spiritual development. 

ꕤ It is important to find the best way in which tarot can bring something of value to our lives, and this is highly personal to anyone involved in the process of the reading. 

¿? how to book a reading ¿? & some useful info about my work <3

some disclaimers first:

no readings about serious health issues, no readings concerning financial advice or legal advice.

readings can be cancelled with a refund only before 2 days have passed.

you will get a total refund if i do not complete the reading before the delivery date agreed upon. 

needed information

for me, it is necessary to know the following: 

-your name, nickname, initials or how i should refer to you. 

-your date of birth, bonus points if you also have your time of birth or a natal chart you are willing to share if interested in incorporating astrology into the reading <3 

(if there's anyone else whose involvement is relevant to the reading, i'm okay with just their name, but knowing their date of birth is quite useful)

-your contact information or your preferred method of communication. (my options at the moment  tumblr dms, messages on this app, and e-mail. I am willing to consider other options too!)

-how would you like to receive your reading: there's the pdf option, you can ask for a link or the file itself and there's the option of me just sending you a DM or an e-mail. 

some more disclaimers and useful info

✿  feel free to pick a specific tarot deck for your reading :) 

✿ i will reach out to you whenever i start working on your reading, to agree on the time of delivery, check the information you provided, and ask you if there's anything you would like me to know before i get started. you can reach out to me anytime too.

✿  i might write you during the process of doing the reading if anything major pops up and you can also feel free to hit up if something happens that you feel I should know of.

✿ i'm bilingual, so if you're and spanish speaker, let me know if you want the reading to be done in spanish. 

✿ after sending you the reading, i'm available to discuss it further and clarify anything that wasn't clear about it. 

♡ ‧˚Timeless Pick a Pile Readings ౨ৎ

♡ Comprehending Late Night Thoughts ♡

♡ Random Messages From the Tarot ♡ (1)

♡ still fucked up? here's a pick a pile reading ♡

♡ guidance to the heart ♡

♡ Mid Week Energy Check ♡

♡ a tarot reading just in case you need to remember this: it's okay to be a bitch. ♡

♡ small pieces of advice ♡

♡ how and why do you love ♡

♡ sea bunny plushies and random tarot messages ♡

♡ emotional attachment and distorted perceptions... ♡

♡ what's keeping you away from genuine ways of expressing yourself? ♡

♡ finding a lover ♡

♡ love advice from the tarot ♡

♡ random messages from the tarot ♡ (2)

♡ your ideal partner is like...♡

♡ random tarot messages (3)♡

♡time will tell, but what exactly?♡

♡hot girl mindset♡

♡random things about your next lover♡

♡building safer spaces♡

♡are you ready to love?♡

♡sagittarius season tarot readings♡

˚₊‧ა ♡ ໒ decks used ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡

ཐིཋྀ Santa Muerte Tarot Deck

ཐིཋྀ Rider Waite Smith

ཐིཋྀ Night Sun Tarot

ཐིཋྀ Santa Muerte Oracle Deck

ཐིཋྀ The Great Esoteric Tarot

ཐིཋྀ Thoth's Tarot

ཐིཋྀ Nicoletta Ceccoli's Tarot

{click here to see reference pictures of them }

꒱ྀི ১ ౨ৎ personal readings •ू ♡ ♡ ♡

[starlightsuffered]

Snow Storms and Guessing Games

Pairing - Regulus Black/fem!reader

Warnings - smut, cockwarming, oral male and female receiving, mentions of masturbation, unprotected sex, friends to lovers

A/N - this was unexpectedly super fun to write for personal reasons. I am AFAB but identify as genderfluid so writing from a male perspective gave me a thrill. I hope you enjoy. Sorry about the format I'm on mobile.

"Hey there Mr. Black," she said plopping down across from me at The Three Broomsticks. She had no idea how beautiful she was as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and ordered from Rosmerta. My grip on my butter beer became tighter when I noticed her eyelashes were adorably flecked with snowflakes.

"So, I'll show you mine if you show me yours," she said wiggling her eyebrows before bursting into laughter at my expression. Being in love with your best friend was hard when she was never opposed to making dirty jokes, not to mention how carelessly touchy she could be.

Last week when I'd asked Y/N what we were doing in Hogsmede this weekend, since we always went together, she'd blushed. She told me Peter Pettigrew had asked her out and she'd said yes. I had wanted to throw something against the wall. Once again my stupid brother and his stupid friends were trying to steal something away from me. I had immediately scrambled to get a date so I wouldn't look so pitiful to her. I'd asked out Amelia Bones who had been mad for me since fifth year. It hadn't been hard to get a yes. Y/N and I agreed we would meet up later to compare notes and hang out as we usually did. I had been miserable on the date, as pretty and interesting as Amelia was, no one was Y/N.

"You go first," I said, taking a sip of butter beer wishing I was old enough to purchase fire whisky so I didn't have to be sober while hearing about this.

"He was as skittish as a rat," Y/N chuckled. "Which is kinda sweet I suppose."

"But," I smirked. I knew her well enough to know that 'but' was coming.

"He just isn't my type," she sighed. "I like confidence, and,"

"Quidditch players," I finished for her with a chuckle. It always took a concentrated amount of effort to not remind her that I was a Quidditch player when she said that.

"You know me too well Black," she said. She stretched and yawned, her chest was being pushed out as she bent back. It was hard to concentrate.

"It's a bit warm," she commented and took off her large winter coat. Underneath, she was wearing a sparkling dark blue velvet top that was very low cut. I nearly choked on my drink when I saw it. I now envied Pettigrew even more, he'd gotten to walk around with her in that.

I cleared my throat awkwardly, trying to act like I hadn't been staring. My grip on my mug was white knuckled. Could she really be so blind? Did she truly not know what she was doing to me?

"Reg?" She called, her voice finally breathing through my thoughts.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I said how did it go with Amelia?" She asked as she fiddled with a necklace I'd gotten her for Christmas the year prior.

"Well, she didn't seem to like me very much once we actually went out."

Her laugh rang out like bells, making me smile as well.

"Did you go into typical Black brooding mode?" She asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When you have a lot on your mind you get this look on your face."

"What kind of look?" I questioned.

"The best way to describe it is like a storm cloud became a human," she chuckled.

"That's harsh," I grinned.

"I'm just being honest my dear friend. Sirius does it too you know. If I didn't know you so well I wouldn't go near you when you have that face, I don't blame Amelia for being apprehensive."

"You're so kind to me," I stuck my tongue out at her and she returned the gesture. Oh the things I wished she'd do with that tongue. No, Regulus, focus, she'll definitely notice if you get a hard on, she knows you too well.

"So, who is next on your hit list?" I asked. She rolled her eyes.

"I'm not a praying mantis, I don't decapitate my mate."

"My bet is on Potter, you'll probably try to work your way through all the Marauders for bonus points."

"Don't be daft, Potter is so stuck on Evans he probably doesn't know I exist."

"Remus then," I suggested, wishing she'd tell me that it was only me she wanted.

"He's nice," she mused.

"Just not my brother."

"Oh La La, Sirius Black," she taunted. "He's got good hair, definitely has confidence. He doesn't play Quidditch, but maybe a few bedroom favors could convince him."

She was joking, I knew she was joking to bother me, but I felt sick to my stomach. The images she'd just put in my head weren't going to go away soon. I knew I'd be tossing and turning in my dorm tonight trying not to think about what she'd said.

"Actually, I do have my eye on someone," she said and for once she looked nervous. "I've had my eye on them for a while, but I don't think they'd like me."

"I don't see how they couldn't," I responded after gulping down my disappointment. "You're so-"

"Did you guys hear?" Suddenly Evan Rosier was skidding in front of our table.

"What?" Y/N asked.

"Potter and Black, got into another duel with Snape and Mulciber. Mulciber, the idiot, tried to blast ice and snow into Potter's chest but he missed and it must've hit a cloud or something because there's a huge blizzard. McGonagall is here and she said students should go to one of the inns and wait out the storm. She said Hogwarts is paying for all the students lodgings until it's safe to go back to the castle."

"Of course," I ran my hand down my face.

"Fuck, come on Reg," she said, getting her coat.

"Me?" I nearly squeaked.

"Yeah, come on," she held out her hand. "Before it gets too bad."

It ended up already being bad. The snow was so thick we could barely see in front of us. Good thing an inn was right next to the Three Broomsticks. Y/N clung to me the entire way over and I relished the way her fingers dug into my skin. I wished it were my back as I pounded into her, showing her how much she belonged with me and not whoever she was fantasizing about.

"Two from Hogwarts," she said at the cashier. The man's eyes drifted slowly to me. Y/N knew that I wasn't naturally confrontational, but it seemed people always thought of me that way. The name of Black carried a lot of weight, and some of that weight could be deadly.

"Oh Mr. Black no worries, I'll get you the finest room."

"It is really no problem, you must have many guests pouring in from Hogwarts." I tried to be nonchalant, but it irked me when people acted this way.

"No, no good sir, you and your friend shall have the best we can offer," he gave a toothy grin and handed me a slip of paper. On it was the password for the door.

"Thank you," I bowed slightly, and pulled her along.

"Fickle Feather," I said to the door once we'd reached the correctly numbered room.

Y/N opened the door to the room and her mouth dropped open. Everything was gilded, gold seemed to cover every surface. Almost every piece looked like it would empty out a normal wizard's Gringotts account. Of course, I was used to such lavishness, but Y/N came from a small town muggle family.

"So this is what the name Black does," she said in awe.

"I'd give it all up just to have you," I thought to myself just as I noticed a problem. The bed, singular, as in just one bed.

"Um, I can take the couch," I gestured lamely at the golden couch that did not look at all comfortable. Stupid rich wizards always choosing looks over comfort.

"Oh," Y/N was actually blushing, a sight that was rare to see.

"No, no Regulus, I can take the couch. We may not even need to stay overnight here."

"No way am I making you take the couch," I said folding my arms.

"Oh stop being so chivalrous," she rolled her eyes.

"I don't care what you say, I'm not letting you take the couch."

We stared at one another for a long moment. Eventually my curated Black glare won out. She shrugged her shoulders, but what she said next took me off guard.

"Guess we're sharing then huh."

"What?" I gasped.

"We're sharing if you want to be so difficult. The bed is the size of like four of the beds in the dorms anyway."

She ran over to the bed before I could respond and began jumping on it, giggling.

"Come on Reg!" She demanded. I sighed, knowing I'd literally do anything for this girl. I stepped up onto the bed and she immediately grabbed my hands. She urged me to jump with her.

"If you like this, you should let me take you on a broom ride," I offered.

"Sure Reggie," she said, smile growing and my heart was soaring. I was so focused on her I lost my footing. We tumbled down, and I was smart enough to turn us so that she landed on me.

"Sorry," I huffed.

"No problem," she cocked her head to the side, not moving.

"Bet Pettigrew wishes he were me right now," I chuckled. In reality I was breathless, trying my best not to give into temptation and wrap my arms around her.

"Oh hush," she rolled her eyes and got up. She adjusted her top and I had to force myself not to look again.

"Regulus," she said suddenly as I was running my hands through my hair to fix it.

"Yeah?" I asked turning to her, and felt the breath leave lungs from the way she was staring at me.

"Has anyone ever told you, you're really pretty," she was moving closer and my whole body felt like it was buzzing.

"Only you, several times," I gulped. She did tell me often, but it never ceased to make me feel like I was flying.

"Well you are, and there's no one I'd rather be stuck in a snowstorm with," she beamed.

"You're going to be the death of me," I thought to myself.

"Regulus, can you finish what you were going to say at the Three Broomsticks?" She asked in a near whisper.

"What was I saying?"

"You said you didn't see how my crush couldn't like me because I'm so, but we got interrupted."

"Oh," I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I mean, there's many ways I could end that sentence. You're so kind, you're so brave and loyal and smart."

"Yeah?" She was biting her lip, hope filling her lovely eyes.

"And you're very um...," I trailed off scratching the back of my neck awkwardly. "Let's just say you aren't hard to look at."

"Aww Reggie, are you saying I'm pretty?"

I felt a blush creep up my face, and I couldn't meet her eyes.

"Is that weird?"

"No, I just called you pretty," she reasoned.

"Yeah but you always give people compliments, I'm awkward with my words."

"Well I think you're great," she beamed at me and it took all I had to not pull her into a kiss.

"Who is it?" I blurted without thinking. I mentally cursed myself but it was eating away at me.

"Who is who?" She hedged but I could see she knew what I meant.

"The person you think you're not good enough for?"

"I don't wanna say," she looked away.

"Why? Is it embarrassing?"

"A bit yeah," she crinkled her nose.

"How about this, we'll play 20 questions and see if I can guess it."

"How does that benefit me?" she quipped. I thought for a moment of how I could convince her. My self deprecating mind was having trouble coming up with anything she'd want that I could give. That's when I remembered something I had in spades. Money.

"I'll buy you five books at the store," I offered quickly.

"Whichever ones I want?" She lit up like a firecracker at my suggestion. I nodded.

"Okay fine, guess," she folded her arms.

"Sirius," I hated myself for asking but I had to know. It was the one that would hurt the most.

"Nope," she popped the P and something in my chest loosened.

"Are they in our year?" He asked.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"So, not James then," I mused and she rolled her eyes.

"I told you already it wasn't James."

"Are they in Gryffindor?" I asked, it was likely since it was her house.

"No."

"Hufflepuff?"

"Wrong again."

"Ravenclaw?" I knew this had to be it.

"You have fifteen more questions loser," she said nudging me.

"No way, Y/N, no way they're in Slytherin," I gawked at her, the majority of my house were assholes.

"Is that a question?" She countered.

"Is it a muggle?" I asked curiously, still not ready to believe her crush was in Slytherin.

"Very much not a muggle," she chuckled.

"Oh fuck it, are they in Slytherin?"

"Yes."

I was wracking my brain now for any boy in our year that it could be.

"Please tell me it isn't Evan Rosier," I begged.

"No, not him," she smiled, knowing she was winning. "You're honestly getting colder as you go."

"I just can't..." I was floundering. I genuinely couldn't think of who it could be.

"You really don't know do you?" She asked.

"I give up, I'll buy you your books because I can't think of who it could be."

"Use your brain," she challenged now, seemingly changing her mind about wanting me to know.

"Avery?" I tried weakly though I'd hardly ever seen the two interact.

"Ugh," she threw her head into her hands dramatically.

"I'll take that as a no?"

"Yes! take it as a no. You're so stupid," she moaned from her hunched position.

"Ouch," I joked although it had hurt a bit.

"You idiot, you're going to make me say it," she said raising her head, her cheeks were flaming red.

"I guess so," I said in confusion. Why was she so mad.

"It's you, dummy."

My world stopped spinning. Had I imagined what she'd said? No she was looking at me intently, waiting for a response.

"M-Me?" It was all I could say.

"Yes, you," she responded looking as though she might cry.

"Me, Regulus Black?"

"Yes," she said in a sob. "This was such a bad idea, you're so weirded out." She was truly crying now, tears slipping down her cheeks with embarrassment.

"No, no!" I was such a fool, why hadn't I spoken up sooner?

"I'm sorry love, don't cry. I thought I was hearing you wrong is all," I told her, taking her hands away from her face.

"What does that mean?" She asked. "What do you feel?"

"I've been in love with you ever since you hexed Snape for saying I looked like a dementor."

"You have?"

I nodded, wiping the tears from her face. She smiled under my touch.

"I think I fell in love with you when you opened up to me about how much you missed Sirius at home."

"Really, not when I caught the snitch in the first ten minutes of the game that one time," I joked.

"No," she smirked. "But that is the first time I realized I wanted to fuck you."

My heart dropped into my stomach and my mouth went dry. She was always bold but this was a whole new level. She was never hotter than when she was pushing the boundaries.

"Regulus Black, I'm going to kiss you now," she said, eyes flicking to my lips.

"Please," I breathed and her lips were on mine. She was talented, lips expertly fitting into mine, her hands on my chest. Her touch ignited me. Just her lips had me needy and wanting.

She wound her fingers into my hair, pulling lightly. I couldn't help the whine that left my mouth. She began to kiss down my neck and I could barely catch my breath. She took my hands that were placed lightly on her back and guided them to her breasts.

"C-Can I?" I breathed, although she'd put them there.

"Please touch me Regulus."

That was all I needed. My hands were slipping up her top, feeling the skin of her breasts. She pulled my mouth back to hers, the kiss becoming more breathless and heated. Suddenly, she pushed my hands away and stripped off her top. My eyes were bulging out of my head as she reached for the hem of my shirt. I didn't resist as she pulled it off.

"You're amazing," I gasped, so taken with her boldness.

"Come here," she said, but ignored her own plea and straddled me.

"You are everything," I panted as she kissed all over my face while she pulled my hair.

"No," she replied. "You are, you don't even know what you do to me."

"Tell me," I begged, I needed to know if she was as addicted to me as I was to her.

"Touch me while I tell you," she demanded and I shuddered. My hand went to the clasp of her bra. Her breasts fell heavily as I threw her bra into the corner.

"Do you know how many times I've wanted to tackle you on the Quidditch field when you're all sweaty and cocky in your robes. I want to make out with you in front of the whole school so they know how sexy you are."

I tentatively touched her nipples that were peaked. She moaned, and arched into my touch.

"All the times I've looked at your lips and wanted to kiss them, or suck them, or bite them."

"You should have," I whispered as I got more confident with my hands. I was pinching and rolling her nipples between my fingers.

"You don't even know how many times I've wanted to pull you into an empty classroom and get on my knees for you."

"Fuck," I moaned, my cock so hard it was throbbing. I leaned down to suck lightly on the hardened buds.

"Shit, Reg," she whimpered. "Imagine it Regulus, how many times I've woken up from a dream about you and my panties were soaked."

I could barely stand her words and the images they put in my head. My moans vibrated against her skin. She ground down on me and I nearly choked.

"I had to use my stupid fingers and pretend it was your hand, or your tongue, or your cock."

"I'm going to help you with that," I said as I popped off her breast, leaving wet circles in my wake. In seconds I had her on her back. I kissed down her body until she was right above her heat. I pulled down her panties with my teeth, and couldn't resist touching her with my fingers.

"Reg," she arched up as I pressed a finger into her.

"You're so wet," I shuddered with need.

"For you, all for you, only for you," she promised.

I began to move my finger in and out of her and her moans sounded like music. She was bucking upward, trying to ride my hand, and it was one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen.

I removed my finger, feeling an overwhelming desire to taste her. I dove in and was rewarded by her curses. She grabbed my hair, making me groan into her. My name and profanities were the only words on her lips as I lapped at her.

"I'm going to cum, please don't stop," she begged and I continued my assault gladly. She made the most erotic sound I'd ever heard when she came, her thighs clamping around my head.

"That was so good," she panted, sitting up. Her hands were immediately on my crotch.

"You're so hard," she whined and I felt dizzy with need for her. She pulled down my boxers and I watched as her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"Regulus," she moaned out my name making it longer than usual.

"What?" I asked with concern.

"You're so fucking big baby," she complimented, and I swear I felt my chest swell. "Why didn't you tell me that's what you were packing?" She asked and I could nearly see her salivating.

"Not really a common friendly conversation topic," I joked.

"Sorry, I'll do the best I can," she said and I was confused about her meaning until she dove down, taking my cock in her mouth. I nearly screamed. She was right, she couldn't fit all of me down her throat but what she couldn't fit she worked with her hand.

I was in heaven. She took me so well I couldn't even describe it. Her mouth was causing wave after wave of bliss to wash over me. Not even winning the house cup felt this satisfying.

"Stop, stop," I begged. She popped off of me, my cock covered in saliva, her eyes slightly teary from gagging.

"What, are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay, I was so close, but I want to cum inside you angel."

"You say the most beautiful things," she sighed as she situated herself on the bed.

I hovered overtop of her. I couldn't help but stop and appreciate the moment. This was all I had wanted. She seemed to understand because she reached up to stroke my cheek and give me a chaste kiss.

I lined myself up with her and rolled my hips forward to sheath myself in her. We moaned in tandem. I began to thrust, and I watched in wonder as I disappeared inside her. How many times had I pictured this? How was it possible that it was better than my imagination.

"Regulus," she was gasping as I plunged into her, her nails were in fact clawing up my back just as I had wished earlier. I felt my chest swell with pride that I could make her come undone like this.

I attached my lips to her neck, needing to mark her as mine. She moaned as I suckled. Her legs came up to lock around my waist as I thrust, trying to get me closer.

"I need to stop," I groaned into her neck.

"Why?" She whined.

"I'm not going to last," I admitted. Her sounds, her breasts, her tight wet heat, it was all too much.

"I don't care, fill me Regulus. We can fuck all weekend for all I care, but I don't want you to pull out, I need you inside me."

Her words were all it took, one more thrust and I was gone, cumming inside her. She came from the sensation, her walls clenching deliciously around my cock. It was pleasure in its purest form.

"Fuck, don't pull out," she begged. "I've wanted to be close to you for so long, so please, don't leave me now."

I obliged her request happily, pulling her close to me. She was bright with the afterglow of sex. She was looking at me like I was a god among men and it took me a moment to stop tears from welling in my eyes. I wasn't used to looks of love of adoration. I was used to scathing glances, to sneers and insults. This is why I knew she was it for me, there would never be anyone else but her.

[themolescriticalblog]

Like I did with Hazbin on my main blog partially, I'm starting to think of ways I'd rewrite Helluva Boss and specifically focusing in Stolas and Blitz, and trying to make it an actual arc that makes sense with the character beats and development.

Something I think really hinders Stoltiz from truly being something that people could actually get there backs on is:

· The development of Stolas's feelings towards Blitz is way too fast, and out of nowhere. For example: in LooLoo land, Stolas has almost no interested in Blitz besides sexual interest (from what I remember it's been a while since I've seen it). But it's weird for me, since he's acting this way when we've seen how basically he's always had a crush on Blitz. So him purely acting this way at first and then slowly it getting basically retconed (thanks Vivzie) is really weird to me.

· Everything is about STOLAS. Tell me when we've ever gotten a genuine look, into Blitz thoughts about this agreement. Besides one off jokes, and basically Truth Seekers, Full Moon and Apology Tour (if you ignore Stolas's whining). We only get to see how Blitz feels in STOLAS'S PERSPECTIVE during major moments. We never really get to have a moment where Blitz is truly contemplating Stolas. I hope this part makes sense.

So, from these two points and a few smaller things, like Stolas being this sappy, "good" royal from the start who if ever called out for his actions, the show basically tries to frame it as non-serious as it can cause it's from "villains" or people who "misunderstood", here's kinda the basics of what I've come up with, for rewriting Stoltiz:

Stolas and Blitz don't meet when they were children, we don't have that emotional connection between them at all from the start, and the simple bases is that Blitz one night sneaks the Grimorie, and Stolas in a drunken stooper fails to catch Blitz with the book before he's run off

That doesn't mean Blitz is off the hook though, as Stolas finds him, and instead of killing him as he normally would go a "foolish imp" who tried to really steal his most prized possession. He instead offers a deal to Blitz, which he consents to begrudgingly and they seal it in a handshake, where if the dues are broken with no word as to why the full moon meeting was missed, or any other reasons from either parties side, it's broken off, with the Grimorie going back to Stolas, and Blitz to never step foot in his home again.

Reason why he even let's Blitz live? Well he sees here he has an imp he finds cute wanting to trade something for the Grimorie for a business. Perhaps he thinks he's being so generous and kind giving someone lower than him an opportunity to rise. Or perhaps it involves getting back at Stella in some way by actively cheating on her in their own bed, a horrible thing, which he has little thought of being so horrible. It really depends, it could be both.

Stolas here is explicitly morally dubious/very grey at "best" or an antagonist at worse here from the start. In this he was once a sweet child who soon was expected to fit the form of your petty, selfish, and horrid prince, who became who he was fully. Inside he knows what he is doing is horrible, that he shouldn't treat people the way he does, but doesn't properly have the facilities to change, and no active reason to change, besides for Octavia. But even he's too ignorant to really see it as more than "the common mistakes a parent makes their first time around".

While he is abused by Stella, it's not as if he's completely innocent himself, and Stella in this case isn't overly cartoonishly evil. And while he loves Octavia and tries to make their home life the best for her, he's ignorant to her needs, and not just one episode at LuLu Land is going to "fix" it all as mentioned earlier.

From this point in it's kinda difficult for me to think about how this would turn into an "actual relationship"??? I was thinking of something like this:

basically Blitz during different episodes that involve him and Stolas directly causes Stolas to began rethinking many of his actions, and his prejudice/so far as racism to the other races of hell that are deemed lower than him. These ideas, that are also perpetuated by Octavia, and in episodes such as Ozzie's, begin to change him, begin to make him realize how much of a fuck head he's been.

This is when Stolas begins to try to fix what he's done, he talks to Asmodeus about these things, he tries to have a serious chat with Stella, apologizes for his cheating but knows he's gone to far to really fix anything. They decide on divorce, and Asmodeus mentions the crystal. Not as a way out for Stolas, to excuse himself from using what's more than just an Imp, but a person. But, as a way to let Blitz have a choice, a proper choice, on what he wants to do.

Full Moon happens, but this time, Stolas doesn't beat around the bush, he tells Blitz full out in text that it's important they have a proper talk, and Stolas explains it out front without making Blitz begin to beg on his knees, saying he'll do anything before presenting the crystal (that scene makes me SEETHE). He presents the crystal, explains his reasoning, and what Blitz has helped him realize about himself. That he's an extremely flawed and horrible person, who needs time to really think about who he's become, but knows he doesn't want to keep Blitz trapped. And Blitz then takes the crystal.

Thought it doesn't stop their communication, basically you'd see any following episodes featuring Stolas slowly showing him fully developing into a better person. I feel like him and Blitz though a series of events would become more like friends if anything, they'd help each other with their own struggle. Maybe they'd never be good for each other even, but they're healing.

That's kinda all, MAYBE IT WAS, PRETTY SAPPY, you see I really just wish, this could work, that the writing was ok in some fashion. Hell maybe my version of it makes it worse, doesn't make Stolas less borderline if not rapey than he is, but if anything I wanted this version of their arc to show Stolas actually CHANGING as a person due to his ACTIONS EFFECTING OTHERS and being called out for it. If you have any thoughts feel free to reblog, comment or send an ask!!!! Main reason I started this blog besides ranting is I wanted a place to also share my ideas!!!

[itsnothingofinterest]

So I’m sure everyone is loving 394, and I’m fairly positive on it too. Not as good as the last chapter, there's not nearly as much League content this time for one thing; but it's fine, we got a cute Togachako hug to compensate. Heck, the new romantic lines may even make up the difference in full. But I have a few more issues with this one to be honest, and I gotta get them off my chest. So once again, I think I'm gonna be a bit negative about a villain-conclusion chapter people seem to really like. Sorry. Again.

First off the discussion about love itself…kinda ended up pretty basic. At least as the leaks describe. They both just exposited stuff that for the most part we, and to an extent even they, already knew to each other. I guess I expected more reveals or perspective shifts after all this build up, and maybe that’s my fault, but it still felt like a let down that this was what the discussion about love Ochako’s been wanting & hyping up for like 20 chapters amounted too.

(I especially would've liked it if the effects of the discussion were a bit more mutual. Like we know Toga comes out of this with a changed view of herself but Ochako leaves basically the same. We couldn't get Toga to improve Oacko's view of herself too, or maybe talk about her feelings for Deku to her? C'mon, give the girl something out of this.)

But also, as basically just a follow up for 393, it also suffers from my one big gripe/concern from last chapter. Will Ochako do anything to address Toga's fear for her life? And the answer seems to be no, the discussion of love & Toga's smile kinda overtook that so we (& Toga herself) have no solid reason to think Toga won't be punished for her crimes as normal. (Best we've got is the general thought of "oh Ochako would never do that...to Toga; she's an exception," and I am left asking "how much of an exception, how far will she go on this after saving the day?") And I remind everyone that the normal punishment for her crimes is, y'know, still expected to be execution or life in whatever replaces Tartarus.

Without addressing that, without making the case that the justice system won't kill her, well the implications of Toga giving up can get a bit more disturbing, I feel.

...Hey as an aside, how come the villain that was fighting to die just got subdued by encasing him in ice without reasoning with him but the villain who was fighting to live got convinced to stop fighting and accept her fate? Should I be concerned about that?

Anyway my big point is: even though Uraraka says she'll take a different place in Toga's heart from the League, she's actually offering a pretty similar experience. Toga's had a small handful of people accept her before, one more doesn't make a massive difference even if it is a cute girl who hugs her in mid-air, calls her cute too, and is willing to give her blood. But what about the greater population that still rejects her? What's the plan there Uravity? Is there a plan? If not, well I hope you see why I'm still concerned for Toga; and am honestly questioning if I'd even call her saved yet. So I really, really hope this isn't it for the Toga plot line.

[itsclydebitches]

I just need to know if Im the only one who felt weird abt that Isaac scene. The one where he takes Colin's phone. It just felt ooc for Isaac to follow colin and yell at him to delete the pics like a mom nagging. I never got the impression that Colin was thought to not follow his captain word by anyone in the show. I get that Isaac needed to find out (tho id prefer if colin did it on his own terms) but I still want to know what you think

Personally, I'm sold on Isaac's actions largely because of Colin's in that scene. Meaning, he's the most vocal in his disagreement about deleting private photos post-breakup. I'm afraid I can't bring up the episode atm so I don't have exact quotes, but Sam and Jamie are in full support - lecturing to the group at various points, like Isaac - with the other members being sorta on the fence, but then eventually persuaded. It's Colin who keeps pushing back against the idea, citing (if I remember correctly) things like personal property and memories. That strong stance is important because it sets him up as being the one member out of the group who might feasibly ignore Isaac's order.

Another thing that's important is how open the group is about their relationships (and the ways in which Colin has been barred from that due to his sexuality is a whole other post). From the group hanging on Sam's every text back when he was messaging Rebecca, all the way to now where Jamie is making a (hilariously) impressed face at whatever Will is deleting, there's really no secrets among the team. Or rather, heteronormativity has made it so that most of them assume there are no secrets. They delete those photos in full view of one another... which in some way kinda defeats the purpose of keeping them private, at least on a small scale, but really it's about the good intentions here. They trust each other to do the right thing, but they don't trust outsiders, so they delete the photos so they can never fall into the wrong hands.

Now, toss these two things together. Looking at that combination from Isaac's perspective, I think it's less nagging than it is an understandable (if not excusable) response to his assumptions. Colin has been the most vocal about this being a stupid idea, so when he leaves the assumption is not "Colin wants privacy" it's "Colin is trying to get out of this." Now with Point #2: why would Isaac assume it's privacy in the first place? No one else is bothering to find a quiet corner because, again, no one else has anything to hide. It's also important that Colin doesn't explain this to Issac. To be 100% clear I am NOT blaming Colin for his defensive reaction, only pointing out that, again, from Isaac's perspective this seems even more damning. When Colin says "Fuck off" rather than something like "I am deleting everything, I'd just prefer to do it without you lot looking over my shoulder," Isaac's assumptions appear confirmed. So he snatches the phone. Is that an appropriate reaction? No. Is it an extreme one? Arguably. But Isaac feels very strongly about this issue, even more-so once he realizes that Keeley was a victim, so his belief that Colin is blowing this off makes him angry enough to force the issue. If you won't delete those photos, I will.

Then, of course, he sees what those photos are.

Honestly, I hope this moment of miscommunication and, frankly, privacy invasion is addressed in their (inevitable) confrontation because while Isaac is by no means a bad person for this mistake and while it's understandable how this mistake came about... that's still a huge breach of Colin's privacy, especially given his specific circumstances. Plus, as we see via the acting, it rightly terrifies him. Already we've seen that although Isaac isn't comfortable with this revelation, he's not outing Colin to the group either, so this is perhaps the "best" outcome of such a mistake, bar Isaac immediately reassuring and apologizing to Colin, which we obviously didn't get. But just because he hasn't gone on a full blown homophobia rant doesn't mean Isaac doesn't have shit to apologize for (both now and from the past), so I hope the writing addresses how they both got to this moment, not simply the internalized homophobia that Isaac needs to grapple with.

And yeah, I agree that generally speaking I prefer for queer characters to come out on their own terms... though in Ted Lasso's case I feel like that would have been a waste in some respects? Meaning, this whole arc is not just about Colin, but the community which he's a part of - football - and the horrific homophobia that pro-athletes face. We've just been reminded that there are NO out footballers in the pro league. We've also learned that Colin has no desire to be the poster-boy for gay footballers. So in the last couple episodes to have him suddenly come out on his own would a) undermine the extreme consequences of that and b) undermine Colin's personal wants and needs. I get that Ted Lasso as a whole is about the optimistic vibe and undoubtedly the show has demonstrated, in this season in particular, how far people can come when given support... but I still think it would have been pretty out of left field for Colin to suddenly go, "You know what? I will come out! I will shoulder the terror of potentially loosing these friendships, and the media frenzy, and being forever the first out gay man in pro-football, potentially putting my very safety at risk because the Lasso Way taught me to love myself!" That's a little too optimistically saccharin, even for this show. Personally, I prefer this version where the outing occurred due to good intentions - Issac trying to protect people from what Keeley is going through - while still allowing the space to unpack WHY Colin was scared to come out in the first place.

Basically, I expected Colin to be outed somehow because I've always figured that would be (and I do kinda hate using this word) the most realistic outcome for his scenario. In real life someone should NEVER go through this, but in a story sometimes a character needs that push, so that we can resolve the conflict by season's end. Given my other meta-writing obsession, I keep comparing this scenario to Volume 9 of RWBY. It rankled that RWBY had a magical universe force Blake and Yang to confess because they live in a homophobia-free world have nothing, absolutely NOTHING, personally holding them back. So why make a joyous moment so uncomfortable by taking away their consent? In contrast, Ted Lasso is all about that homophobia and Colin has a boatload of personal reasons not to come out, even though he may want to in a perfect world. In this case, the story "has" to force his hand somehow. Either that, or we'd need more time for Colin and the world he lives in to develop - time that Ted Lasso simply doesn't have.

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; SOUR by Olivia Rodrigo (Part I)

BRUTAL

I want it to be, like, messy.

I'm so insecure.

I think that I'll die before I drink.

I'm so caught up in the news.

I'm so tired that I might quit my job, start a new life.

They'd all be so disappointed.

Who am I if not exploited?

I'm so sick of seventeen.

Where's my fucking teenage dream?

If someone tells me one more time "Enjoy your youth," I'm gonna cry.

I don't stick up for myself.

I'm anxious, and nothing can help.

I wish I'd done this before.

I wish people liked me more.

All I did was try my best.

This the kinda thanks I get?

They say these are the golden years.

I wish I could disappear.

God, it's brutal out here.

I feel like no one wants me.

I hate the way I'm perceived.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I love people I don't like.

I hate every song I write.

I'm not cool.

I'm not smart.

I can't even parallel park.

Just havin' a really good time.

Got a broken ego?

God, I don't even know where to start.

TRAITOR

I played dumb, but I always knew.

I always knew that you talked to her, maybe did even worse.

I kept quiet so I could keep you.

Ain't it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits?

Ain't it funny how you said you were friends?

It sure as hell don't look like it

You betrayed me.

I know that you'll never feel sorry.

You talked to her when we were together.

Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter.

It took you two weeks to go off and date her.

Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor.

I know if you were true, there's no damn way that you could fall in love with somebody that quickly.

Ain't it funny?

Remember I brought her up and you told me I was paranoid?

I wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.

Don't you dare forget about the way you betrayed me.

You gave me your word, but that didn't matter

Yeah, you're still a traitor.

DRIVERS LICENSE

I got my driver's license last week.

Just like we always talked about.

Today, I drove through the suburbs crying 'cause you weren't around

You're probably with that blonde girl who always made me doubt.

She's so much older than me.

She's everything I'm insecure about.

How could I ever love someone else?

I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one.

I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone.

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me.

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street.

All my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you.

I kinda feel sorry for them.

They'll never know you the way that I do.

I still see your face.

Can't drive past the places we used to go to.

I still fuckin' love you, babe.

I still hear your voice in the traffic.

God, I'm so blue.

1 STEP FORWARD, 3 STEPS BACK

All I did was speak normally

Somehow, I still struck a nerve.

You got me fucked up in the head.

Never doubted myself so much.

Am I pretty?

Am I fun?

I hate that I give you power over that kinda stuff

It's always one step forward and three steps back

I'm the love of your life until I make you mad.

Do you love me, want me, hate me?

I don't understand.

Maybe in some masochistic way, I kind of find it all exciting.

Which lover will I get today?

Will you walk me to the door or send me home crying?

It's back and forth.

Did I say something wrong?

Maybe this is all your fault instead.

I'd leave you, but the rollercoaster's all I've ever had.

DEJA VU

I bet she's braggin' to all her friends, sayin' you're so unique.

So when you gonna tell her that we did that, too?

She thinks it's special, but it's all reused.

That was our place, I found it first.

I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you.

Do you get déjà vu when she’s with you?

Do you get déjà vu?

Do you call her, almost say my name?

Let's be honest, we kinda do sound the same.

I hate to think that I was just your type.

Now I bet you even tell her how you love her in between the chorus and the verse.

That was the show we talked about.

Played you the songs she's singing now when she's with you.

Don't act like we didn't do that shit, too.

You're tradin' jackets like we used to do

Everything is all reused.

Play her piano, but she doesn't know that I was the one who taught you.

A different girl now, but there's nothing new.

I know you get déjà vu

GOOD 4 U

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.

You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks.

Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?

I guess that you've been workin' on yourself.

I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped.

Now you can be a better man for your brand-new girl.

You look happy and healthy.

Not me, if you ever cared to ask

You're doin' great out there without me, baby.

God, I wish that I could do that.

I've lost my mind.

I've spent the night cryin' on the floor of my bathroom.

You're so unaffected, I really don't get it.

I guess you're gettin' everything you want.

You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off.

It's like we never even happened.

Baby, what the fuck is up with that?

It's like you never even met me.

Remember when you swore to god I was the only person who ever got you?

Well, screw that, and screw you

You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do.

Maybe I'm too emotional.

Your apathy's like a wound in salt.

Maybe you never cared at all.

[growling]

please give us the tea on the warrior cats ships!!!

I'll go first by saying Mothpool is overhyped and Leafpool had more chemestry with Cinderpelt. (in my opinion, ship what you like!)

:3c !!! Didn't think anybody would actually ask I am gonna gonna ramble now.. Separating this into pos and neg opinions

Positive:

I did think of leafcinder before and thought it was cute but not really something I'll get passionate about (i tend to be very picky on these kinda age gap/mentor x apprentice ships), now that I'm reminded of it I can really see it! They would have a great dynamic (taking tnp cinderpelt personality into account here. tbh her in tpb and her in tnp are almost different characters to me... where's your whimsy girl...), and honestly, there are almost endless options for Leafpool ships (she interacts with so many cats woagh that's crazy for this series she actually has friends??) that have more chemistry than crowpool. I mean it's fine I guess from a strictly plot perspective (and even that's well. bendable) but why is Leafpool, 30 cat years after their breakup, dead, in cat heaven, STILL deeply in love with cat Clay Puppington. I know they will get back together in StarClan because the authors absolutely love them and think they popped off writing their romance subplot they think they created a banger. Sorry this veered off into negative can't help being a hater.

hollyjaylion, leafsquirrel and bramblehawk are the three shipcest pairings I will never be able to be normal about. Canon to me. I say this as if I'm joking but I'm serious oughhh the goddamn dynamics. On a joking note though, graysky. there is no healthy nothing to see here just bro supporting his bro explanation for whatever the hell gray wing's problem was this entire arc

spottedtiger is cool it's interesting it's mindblowing it saves lives and it's haters are sooo silly I am sorry... "but spotted is his aunt according to the family tree!!!!" ok. and is this made relevant in the books at all? do they ever even acknowledge these two as kin. It's so pointless.. draw them making out

why's the fandom turning on darktiger suddenly now because they're still related (which is not even relevant or explicitly pointed out in the books and them being related was only decided way after both of their arcs together were done I. ughhhh.) wasn't this your favourite little henchman x fascist dictator toxic yaoi ship just a few years ago?? cowards. draw them making ou- ah wait that's just dark being obsessed with tiger, who on the other hand would RATHER NOT he wants that useless lickspittle OBLITERATED he doesn't CARE

ivyhawk good she could fix him. or he can make her worse. once again the fandom are major cowards for turning on it just like they did with darktiger, but much, much more aggresively so. like you people need to calm tf down just take deep breaths it's just a warrior cat ship...

people complaining about dovetiger's age gap (which are commonplace in the wc series tiger is not alone in dating apprentices) are so boring. they actually have the most wholesome dynamic in the current era/arcs I'd argue. they're in love and I love them. as a ship and both as characters.

fallenholly had the option to be one of THE best dubiously-canon wc pairings to come out of this series had they just went the direction of making fallen actually somewhat more messed up after being trapped as a ghost in the torment tunnels for cat centuries like. I remember someone else wording this really well earlier but I'm not really gonna search so just. Yeah. fallen leaves ships.

leopardtiger is hilarious I don't care. she thinks he's sooo correct and intelligent and truly the enlightened sigma worthy of the tigerclan podcast throne while also poisoning his food because he's fucking pissing her off in their side twitter dms and plotting his demise every night while he's snork mimimi'ing next to her in their kitty political marriage cuddle pile. ben shapiro x pragerU fucking ship I hope they kill each other

mudhawk... funny... seriously WHY is the fandom picking the most interesting goddamn ships to get pissed off at and call "problematic"??????? "age gap" THEY WERE BOTH ADULTS WHEN THEY MET WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON LET HAWK MANSPLAIN MANIPULATE MANFUCK THAT OLD MAN

I didn't read AVoS in it's entirety (and don't want to. it's... boring for the most part. I mean I love violet but is she enough to make me keep reading all that.) and don't remember if they even had any notable interactions but violetpuddle is very cute and my favourite (and, honestly, only) option for their ships. puddle's mother suckled violet but they don't consider each other "real" siblings just like how their mother doesn't consider violet as her daughter but try telling that to the fandom who can't distinguish between wet nurse arrangement, foster siblings and adopted siblings. Proud only resident of violetpuddle nation...... literally nobody else is here...

Negative: (gonna start censoring the cat/ship names now)

so correct moth.pool overhyped and their fans annoying. and also because I headcanon moth as aroace like there is not a single romantic thought in her body I cannot ever imagine her in a relationship moth don't care.

*takes a deep breath* mouse.fur is not aroace. tall.star, raven.paw and barley aren't gay. authorial statements made 10 years ago at some con ARE NOT CANON. IF IT'S NOT IN THE TEXT IT'S NOT CONFIRMED CANON. Also the latter examples also reek of biphobia lol. you can ship any of these characters with anyone forever, what is any of you people's problem.

long.fire, shadow.root, holly.cinder, bright.cloud, jay.kestrel are boring yaaawn I am falling asleep and do not see it. same with sandfire; these two did not have the groundbreaking dynamic (nor was sand that uh, well-rounded as character) you think they did you're just nostalgic. I actually prefer spottedfire and cinderfire over sandfire. anything over sandfire.

hawk.ash pisses me off because their shippers are always "hahahaha toxic yaoi sooo fucked up they make each other worse!!" but show them an actual toxic pairing and they immediately shit themselves and call you an abuse fetishizer. COWARDS you lot are COWARDS and this is why I cannot get behind hawk.ash at all like I associate them with the most annoying people so much I cannot sorry. I'm sure it's a cool ship or whatever

I actually got tired and now am too sleepy to articulate myself properly anymore but still here are the other ships that I either dislike or just plain out hate seeing: fern.ivy, alder.needle, crow.squirrel, bristle.root, bramble.squirrel (but that's a very popular one lol), lion.cinder.

thanks for the ask! :3

[ioannemos]

I kinda want to send you all the ask numbers! How about #5-15? (Also if you see a follow notification from me… I just accidentally pressed ‘unfollow’ instead of ‘ask’ on your blog oops😭)

haha, don't worry about it 😁 have we not all followed or unfollowed someone by accident at least once?

what made you start your blog?

i think it was bc some online friends from a teeny tiny forum dedicated to a lotr fanfic series had moved to tumblr

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best: sharing thoughts, ideas, art, perspectives, knowledge, etc... beautiful art, ideas that expand my understanding of the world, etc

worst: realizing that there are people out there who believe things worse than i'd ever imagined o_o

what scares you the most and why?

hmm. being alone, maybe? i'm an introvert but i've never been really on my own and while i've been trying to stretch those muscles it's really unpleasant and exhausting

any reacquiring dreams?

i assume this means "recurring" and no, not exactly. recurring themes, yes: locations that just keep going despite being indoors, something being terribly wrong with me and i'm trying to fix it but nobody will leave me alone, something being terribly wrong with me and i'm trying to get help but no one will listen are the first three that come to mind 🙃

tell a story about your childhood

buckle up, it's a long one

i was in awana for most of my childhood/teens and when i was in fourth grade (i think) my group got a new leader. her name was miss debbie. miss debbie was no-nonsense. miss debbie had standards. thus, miss debbie was the first leader i respected - other leaders would let you get away with only mostly knowing your Bible verses. not miss debbie. she'd send you back until you really knew it

at our particular group, you earned mall merits for wearing your uniform, bringing your Bible, bringing friends, and for each completed section of your workbook. at the end of the night, you could go to the mall set up at the back of the room. on offer were the usual things: candy, stick-on earrings, pens probably, the kind of little stuff you might think would appeal to 3rd through 6th graders. none of these appealed to me bc yes, i wore my uniform, and yes, i brought my Bible, but i had no friends to bring, and i fought to complete every section of my book. i was not about to waste my mall merits on candy. fortunately, there was also miss shirley. miss shirley brought in beanie babies. beanie babies last

it was forty mall merits for a regular beanie baby and fifty for the bears. as no one was bringing in forty or fifty mall merits in a single night, you could tell miss shirley which one you wanted, she would set it aside, and at the end of the night you'd bring her what mall merits you'd earned and she'd put them down in her spiral notebook. miss shirley scared me to death (she was probably just an older lady with resting bitch face or something. alas, i just remember being scared of her) but she had beanie babies, so at the end of every night i'd screw my courage to the sticking place and give her the mall merits i'd earned that night. in a year (awana ran through the school year) i could earn two beanie babies

what does this have to do with miss debbie? i'm so glad you asked

what must have been halfway through the year, i paid off my first beanie baby and looked over the other ones on offer. none of them immediately grabbed my attention, so i figured i'd just hang onto my mall merits until the next week and see if any new ones came in. while hanging around waiting for my parents to pick me up, i noticed miss debbie over by the beanie babies. she picked up one. perhaps miss shirley said something to her, i don't remember. i remember that miss debbie set the beanie baby back down and said, somewhat defensively, "i like dogs"

once miss debbie stepped away from the table, i re-approached, looked over the beanie babies for the dog she'd picked up, found it, and told miss shirley i wanted that one

as the end of the year came on, i was so concerned that i wouldn't have enough mall merits to buy it. i'm fairly sure i counted the sections left in my book to try to calculate if i had enough. i even considered asking miss linda, the director, for make-up work in case i wasn't going to make it

fortunately, that wasn't the case: the last official day of awana, i had enough. i gave miss shirley the last mall merits and the dog was mine. i promptly went to miss debbie and gave her the dog

she was surprised. maybe stunned is a better word. she said at first that she couldn't take it. i thought at the time she was talking about bribery. i insisted - i had heard her. she liked dogs. i had been intending it for her from the start. she had to take it

finally she did. i think she was a little teary. she said thank you. i was just relieved that i didn't have to argue with her anymore

the next week, at the award ceremony, she gave me a thank you card with a similar-looking dog on the front. i still have it somewhere

i don't think miss debbie came back to awana. at any rate, she wasn't my leader after that. i want to meet her in heaven. i want to ask her what i was like as a fourth grader bc i don't trust my memory. i want to tell her that she was one of my favorite adults ever. i want to tell her that i kept the thank you card

would you say you’re an emotional person?

hmm, yes and no? i have lots of emotions about everything but they're very transitory. i get mad at something little and then a few heartbeats later it's gone. i see the cranes in the field and am filled with joy; we pass the field and the joy vanishes. that kind of thing

what do you consider to be romance?

i have no idea lol i've had exactly one crush for a little less than a week at the height of the lockdowns and the farthest my imagination got was the holding hands stage 😂 i can't think of anything that isn't also like. a sign of a really good friendship (loyalty, unashamed affection, open communication, etc)

what’s some good advice you want to share?

if you're tired and have time to take a nap, try not to go longer than 20 minutes

figure out the easiest way for you to drink more water. i got a straw lid for my water bottle and it's made it so much easier, even without attaching the straw part. i've also tried different additives to find ones i really like, bc if you don't like it, you won't drink it

when starting a craft project, you're always going to need a little more than you think you'll need. "more what?" more everything. time. space. yarn. paint. tape. whatever you're buying, borrowing, setting aside, or clearing space for, figure out what you need, and then get a little more

what are you doing right now?

listening to music and half-reading fanfic from a fandom i'm not really in heh

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

oh, so many things............

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

oof. that's a complicated one. it's not a location or a person. it's wisconsin, sort of. it's also idaho, sort of. heaven, ultimately, in a very c. s. lewis "the last battle"/"the great divorce" kind of way

[hypnolordx]

Big Announcement!

Hey everybody, hope you're all doing well.

Hoo boy this announcement's gonna be a big one for me, since I'm not usually the type to spill all my guts. To be honest even as I write it, I still feel slightly nervous about sharing it, but I'll give it my best shot and because this is my server, I decided I'd do this here first! (Sorry in advance, if this gets long)

Sooooooooooo...I've been teasing this "SECRET THING" I've been working on since the start of this year, and I've kep things vague because I wanted to get good enough to the point where I could show off what I've been doing with confidence. Maybe not perfected, but enough to show the results and be proud to some degree.

@everyone Hey everybody, hope you're all doing well.

Hoo boy this announcement's gonna be a big one for me, since I'm not usually the type to spill all my guts. To be honest even as I write it, I still feel slightly nervous about sharing it, but I'll give it my best shot and because this is my server, I decided I'd do this here first! (Sorry in advance, if this gets long)

Sooooooooooo…I've been teasing this "SECRET THING" I've been working on since the start of this year, and I've kep things vague because I wanted to get good enough to the point where I could show off what I've been doing with confidence. Maybe not perfected, but enough to show the results and be proud to some degree.

Well, after months of hyping it up, I think it's finally time to show off a little sample of just what I've been trying and continue to develop…and here it is!

So uh...yeah, I'm drawing stuff now, though I feel I need t explain what led me here.

I've been doing hypno art stuff for a while, ever since I started messing around in kisekae and making those multi-part images that were definitely rough around the edges by my standards now, and it's hard to believe sometimes that I've come so far. Sometimes I forget how much I interact with those I've been following for a long time on a more regular basis and just how many talented people are now in my orbit, honestly pretty amazing. At the same time, it's also made me realize some things I think I always knew about myself and my work, but never really confronted until recently.

Now some of you who've followed me long enough know I used to draw a long time ago, but stopped. I used to have a different art profile (not hypno-related mind you) and everything, but it didn't take off and the comments I got from the people around me, on and offline, on how my drawing looked were...eh...not great, so I kind of just gave up and moved on. It wasn't till later when I discovered kisekae and the rest is history. I even turned the "I got two left hands when it comes to drawing" thing into a joke to laugh it off.

Since then, I've kind of become a jack of all trades without even realizing it between all the manips, written works, and 3D stuff. I never really thought too hard about that, I always just enjoyed making things.

So it's fair to say I've dipped my toes into a lot of different mediums over the years. That being said, it's hard to call some of those distinctly "me".

For a while now I've been feeling like I've been missing something in my artwork, and it's become hard to not see the walls of limitations in each medium I've worked in (save for maybe writing, but that's not the point), which hampers just what I can make and how well I can make it.

For kisekae it's the perspective and what can and can't be done with it, for manips it's dependent on whatever screenshot I can find to work with, while 3D stuff expanded what I can do I still feel limited in what I can do with it (either do to the limits of what characters/objects/set pieces I have access to), and it feels like I don't always have that freedom of creativity some other artists have. The crazy part though, I kinda realized I was the one who put those walls up myself.

After being in such close proximity with so many artists and seeing all the cool stuff they've made, say they want to make, or even just tiny little trend/meme stuff they do, that feeling that my work has been lacking something only grew and I started to feel this sense of imposter syndrome, like I didn't fully earn the praise I got because I was over reliant on what I was using in order to keep up. That by comparison to everyone else, my work was becoming static, less interesting, even quantity over quality.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe that the work I've put into the bulk of my art is lazy per se, nor am I saying people who do kisekae, manips, or use 3D models (whether they made those or not) are either, for example I've seen tons of kisekae artists besides myself push the boundaries of what kisekae can do and I think that's incredible. Though I personally feel like I don't really have much room left to grow in it and that can make things feel like they're getting stagnant, so for a while it felt like I was just constantly trying to outdo myself but not getting the results I wanted.

There has been times where I release something and I look at it and go "Man, I wish I could've done this better..." and something I'm more proud of right next to it, and then I see the former blow up in popularity and I just sit there like "...okay but why though?", and that's been a hard feeling to escape.

Then there was that whole debacle when I came out and said, "I don't like AI Art, I'm against it completely, and I side with the artists who're having their works stolen to teach it.", to which a chunk of commenters responses boiled down to: "Um, actually, you don't even draw/you use kisekae/you do etc., so therefore your opinion on AI Art is invalid and you're a hypocrite for speaking out!"

I don't believe doing kisekae or manips is the same as AI Art for a pretty simple reason, a person still has to put in the effort and creativity to make it and make it good, so that comparison is bogus, so that comparison made me mad how many excuses I was hearing from those who just didn't want to put in the effort to actually make something...it's almost like if someone really wanted to, they could pick up a pencil and actually...I don't know...draw? Well...funny story about that.

So I was working on a manip one day (I think it was the Zom 100 Shizuka one?) and for that one I was learning how to edit in a line of drool for that image and I had a tutorial on drawing in liquid that I was following along with in additions to the usual eye edit...and suddenly I stopped and started to think to myself"Wait, what am I doing right now? ...I'm putting something into this image that wasn't there before by hand and from scratch...wait a second, I'M DRAWING!!!" and sure, it was a different kind of drawing, but it was drawing. Before when the subject came up, I'd always just shut it down because I thought I wasn't good enough to get back into it, but I realized in that moment that if I could do that, why couldn't I do more. Not just the eyes here or a detail there edited into a preexisting image, but why not an entire thing made from just my two hands? It sorta sparked something in me I didn't think was still there. And so, starting at the tail end of last year, I sat down with a beat-up old pencil in one hand and got to practice on a tiny note pad and I've been doing so almost every day since. (Now with mechanical pencils and an actual sketchbook XD) So to wrap this whole thing up is, yeah this is a thing I do now.

I'm not stopping with working with my other mediums right now, I don't have plans to quit those at this time, but I will say that in time I hope that this will become the main body of my work, which is part of the reason why I reduced the amount of output since these obviously take much more time than the kisekae and manips.

I'm not perfect, I'd be lying if I said I have mastered anything just yet, but I am trying my best, improving and getting better with each new step I take.

So for now, I'm just going to keep sketching and try to develop this skill. It will take time before I can make full art pieces, comics, or even do commissions regularly I think eventually I can.

So thanks for reading and I hope you join me on the rest of this journey I got going here! ^^

[your-divine-ribs]

I’m With the Band Part 12

Words: 1.8k

I’m With the Band Masterlist Main Masterlist

It takes Van around ten minutes to come back to join the group, and he stalks back in, shooting me a scowl. I just smirk at him, wondering if he had to bolt off to the toilets for a sneaky wank. I hope so. It would serve him right.

I've been chatting to Benji about the gig but I can tell his attention is elsewhere. He keeps slipping his phone out of his back jeans pocket every few minutes and surreptitiously looking at it.

"Are you even listening to me?" I say after the tenth time, getting annoyed now.

Benji looks a little forlorn as he jams the phone back into his pocket. "Shit, I'm sorry Bella, it's just that I've not heard from my girlfriend Kate. She was supposed to be at the gig tonight and she didn't show, and now she's not returning my calls."

"You shouldn't put up with her shit Benji, you're too good for her!" Lucy's voice suddenly sounds from right behind us and I jump slightly. I hadn't even noticed her there.

I turn to see that her and Bob have moved over to join in the conversation but Bob looks embarrassed. "Lucy! Don't say stuff like that!" He pleads, then he looks at his friend. "Sorry mate!"

"It's okay, don't worry about it. Lucy's only saying what everyone else thinks and is too afraid to say," Benji says sullenly.

"What's all this?" I say, linking my arm through Benji's, ears pricking up at the thought of hearing some potentially juicy gossip.

It's not that I revel in other people's misery, it's just that all of a sudden I think I might have found a way to get closer to Benji who's been a bit of an enigma since I met him. And even though things are getting complicated enough with my increasing flirtations with Johnny and sexual tensions with Van reaching boiling point, there's always room for a bit more excitement in my life. And Benji is kinda cute...

"You don't wanna hear about all my problems I'm sure," Benji says, a hopeless little smile on his lips that just makes him even more endearing.

"Hey, if I'm coming on tour with you guys I really want to get to know you all better. And if there's anything I can do to help... a female perspective I can give..."

I'm interrupted by a loud snorting noise and quickly look up to see my cousin standing there, hands on hips with an incredulous look on his face.

"What?" I snap.

Larry's grinning but his tone is sarcastic. "Oh I wouldn't take relationship advice from our Bells!"

I quickly unlink arms with Benji and step over to him. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Larry quickly glances between Bob, Benji and Lucy who are all wearing bewildered expressions, before looking back at me. "Can I have a word?" He says, grabbing me by the elbow and steering me away down the same corridor I'd been down with Van only a little earlier.

I don't get far before I whirl around and out of Larry's grip, coming to face him, confrontational. "What was all that about?" I hiss, but I know what's coming before he even opens his mouth.

"What the fuck's up with Van?"

I can't help the smirk that sneaks on to my lips. I've obviously wound him up enough that he can't hide it from his best friend.

"Well... last time I checked he was an arrogant git who fancies himself something chronic, why? You're supposed to be his best mate, you should know that already!"

My smart-arse comment which I thought was actually quite amusing just falls flat with Larry, whose eyes narrow at me in a suspicious manner.

"What's going on with you two? You're shagging aren't you? Van wouldn't admit it, but there's something going on. I can tell."

This riles me. "Actually we're not!" I snarl. "And even if we were, what's it to you?"

I've just about had enough of Larry treating me like a child. I can flirt with and fuck whoever I like. I fix him with an angry glare and I can actually see the ice starting to visibly melt. He never could stand conflict.

He shifts from foot to foot, uncomfortable, glancing around like he's checking that no one's listening before he starts to speak. "Look Bells, I really don't want us to fall out. Especially not if we're all going to be stuck on a tour bus for weeks... it's just that... Van... well he's me best mate and all that..."

"I don't care if he's your best mate, he's still a pain in the arse!" I cry.

"Shhh don't shout!" Larry implores. "He'd kill me if he knew I was round here speaking to you about him."

"Okay, okay!" I lower my voice. "But I don't see why you're fighting his battles for him. If he's got something to say to me he can say it himself."

Larry looks awkward, glancing around again, voice even lower so I have to lean in to hear him. "The thing is Bella... he likes you. He really likes you."

I ignore the flurry of excited butterflies that this comment stirs in my gut, trying to focus instead on Van's annoyingly smug face back there in the toilets, or the fact that he thought it would be a good idea to leave me dangling over the precipice of what was shaping up to be a particularly mind-blowing orgasm before denying me. That soon has the butterflies taking flight and my anger returning.

"I sincerely doubt it. He's probably only showing an interest in me because I'm not simping over him like all those little wannabe groupies at the gig tonight."

Larry is insistent though. "It's true! I've known Van my whole life and I know when he's crazy about someone. It's just like back when we were kids. He had it bad enough then..."

He starts chuckling to himself like he's recalling a memory. This just confuses me. Van used to hate me when we were kids. The only time he was nice to me was when he was planning a horrid prank and trying to lull me into a false sense of security. And I'd fallen for it time after time, my naive nine year old self still looking up to my big cousin and his friends even though they used to terrorise me.

"Van used to be horrible to me," I state. "He was probably the worst one out of you and all of your mates."

Larry shakes his head. "Come on, you know what young lads are like, they tease the girls they fancy the most! Van never used to admit it, but I knew he liked ya. He couldn't play the guitar yet back then, but he was always into his lyrics. He used to have this old notebook he was always scribbling in. He'd never let anyone see it, even me... but I sneaked a look once and it was full of these like... love poems... with your name scrawled everywhere!"

The sentiment is sweet but I'm just not the sentimental type unfortunately. "Fucks sake Larry, we were kids! I had a massive crush on my bloody history teacher and I was so sure I was gonna marry him! It means nothing!"

"Oh really? So why's he still writing songs about you now then?"

This statement stuns me into silence. I feel my mouth fall open involuntarily and try to shut it, but it falls open again.

"Arabella Turner... actually lost for words for once," Larry laughs. "Never thought I'd see the day."

Those damn butterflies are back, and this time they're not going anywhere. They're here to stay. My mind's whirring and I can actually feel a warm glow in my cheeks.

"Well... that doesn't mean anything," I protest. "I bet Van writes songs about loads of girls. And besides, his lyrics... they're... they're... just a bit shit really..."

I trail off, aware that there's absolutely no conviction in my voice and what's more, Larry can see right through me. There's a glint of playful teasing in his eye as he speaks. "So I guess you don't wanna know what the song was about then?"

Shit... I want to know. I really want to know. But I'm stubborn and I'm bloody-minded and I really don't want Larry to know that I've got a picture in my head of Van sitting there, dreamily strumming on his acoustic guitar, his head full of thoughts of me... and it's making my heart beat faster than a humming bird's wings.

"Actually I'm not bothered," I say, although it pains me to say the words and I'm mentally chastising myself inside. "And don't look at me like that. I'm really not interested in Van... or any of the other lads in the band. So you can stop hassling me now."

I finish my sentence with a little shrug for added effect, but Larry doesn't seem convinced, although he doesn't push me any further. His expression softens into a smile after a short hesitation.

"Well... I guess Van'll be disappointed, but it's probably better this way. Maybe he'll stop being so jealous of you and Bondy if he knows that he doesn't have a chance."

"Oh?" The mention of Johnny has me intrigued.

"Yeah, he keeps going on about him offering you guitar lessons or something and how he could do just as good a job of teaching you... Look Bells, I know you think I'm always on your back but I just don't want my mates falling out over you. I've got Van moping around all sulky like some lovesick teenager on one hand, and then Bondy falling all over himself to 'teach you the guitar' on the other..."

As he talks about the promises of guitar tuition he places extra emphasis on his words, like there's some hidden meaning being it. I scrunch up my face in confusion, hoping he'll elaborate.

"Oh come on Bells... can't you see it? Van and Bondy are both crazy about you. And I've even caught Benji giving you the eye and he's got a girlfriend! I just think things could get awkward very quickly if you were playing them off against each other... but you wouldn't do that... would you?"

Having Larry call me out like this is an entirely uncomfortable experience and one I never thought that I'd care about... but for once I actually find myself considering his words and thinking about the consequences.

But this is all wrong. I'm Arabella-Fucking-Turner for christ's sake. I shop. I drink. I party. I fuck. I'm a good time girl. I don't care about feelings and I DEFINITELY don't fall in love...

"Of course not Larry," I assure him. "And you don't need to worry about your friends, I'm just not interested. Now... haven't we got a party to go to back at the hotel?"

[ase-trollplays]

"Good evening, Florah! A pleasure to see you, as always. Have you come for your weekly garden assistance?"

"Hey, Tantor. I actually took care of that last night."

"Ah, splendid. How was your night of drunken Halloween shenanigating with Uunive? I trust you both had a lovely time."

"Yeah, it was great, actually. We went to a few different bars. ... Including a karaoke bar at the end. I never sing in front of people, but she, uh. She's an awesome hype woman."

"Wonderful, wonderful! Glad to hear you had such a delightful time! I hope this can be the start of you two becoming good friends. No need to be so skittish and scared around her after such a fun bonding experience, hm?"

"Y-yeah, I guess not. Anyways, um, have you seen Helixe? I want to teach it ASL since it doesn't really talk. I brought all the books I used when I was teaching myself, and I have a bunch of videos saved on my palmhusk, so--"

"Oh, how fun! I've honestly had the same idea, and I'm something of a language buff myself, you know. I have fluency in... twenty-five, I believe? I don't keep the best track, though ASL was the second one I learned. If you like, I would be honored to help!"

"Ah, well... I-I guess that's okay."

"You don't sound like it's okay. You sound and look incredibly put off by the idea, in fact."

"N-no, it's not that. I just kinda thought..."

"By all means, if I'm stomping on your toes, let me know. Clearly you don't want me intruding."

"I... yeah, I really don't. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude or mean. I know you want to help, but I'm still trying to figure out a place for myself here with Tuuya's other charges and their quads and friends, you know? After that night with Uunive, I want to try spending time with everyone else instead of being a weird outsider. Helixe feels like an easy starting point, plus I kinda helped create it? So it would be fucked up to avoid spending time with it."

"Yes, yes, of course. By all means, don't let me get in the way. And let me just say that I'm so, so proud of you!"

"Proud of me?"

"Yes, of course! From the night I've met you, you've been like a frightened rabbit scurrying away at the mere idea of putting yourself out there and being perceived. I can't imagine what must have happened to you to cause such a strong trauma response to meeting people-- Or maybe it's not trauma, and you're just like that! Regardless, the fact you're forcing yourself out of your little protective bubble and allowing others to know you is something to be praised! You're doing something wonderful and amazing for yourself, and I just know that everyone else would be proud of you, too."

"I-I, uhh. I guess that makes sense. Thanks."

"You are most welcome, and I'm rooting for you to continue making progress coming out of your shell. I promise we'd all love to meet you if you give us a chance."

"Right. ... So, about Helixe?"

"Hm? Oh right!! I believe it's with Uunive at the moment, probably somewhere in those tunnels that only those two fit in. Stick around long enough, and I'm positive you'll see them."

"Okay. I'll uh, see if there's anything I can help out with until then so I'm not just waiting around like a weirdo."

"Oh hush, you're no more of a weirdo than anyone else in Tuuya's found family. You're certainly more normal than I am. You're at least a troll!"

"... You're. You're not a troll??"

"You didn't know?"

"Wha-- No! How would I??"

"... Huh. I suppose that's a good point. I don't recall telling you, and Tuuya isn't the type to casually throw around personal details about other people. Didn't you think it was weird that my blood tastes so bad?"

"Well, yeah, but I figured-- I don't know what I figured! Are you a swarm, too?"

"Oh no, not at all, but wouldn't it be fascinating if I was? Alas, I'm just an ordinary immortal shapeshifting alien."

"None of that is ordinary!"

"Not from your perspective, I'd wager. I'm guessing you have questions?"

"Yeah, a lot!"

"Well, time is a bottomless resource of mine. At least, tonight it is since I'm not needed at the sanctuary. Fire away! Let the interrogation begin!"

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hey Ella. I thought I'd come to you with this because you always give off a kind and sympathetic nature so at the very least I won't be treated like a shitty person for what I want to say.

I'm really struggling with Harry atm and it's actually kinda devastating because I never saw this happening. There is so much around Harry that I vehemently dislike, from the people around him to aspects of his public image and narrative. I was so good at separating all that from Harry himself but lately I've been feeling my bitterness bleeding onto Harry. I've seen this happen so much. People who were originally fans getting annoyed at small things and that growing bigger into bitterness and hate. I don't want to be one of these people.

What is making this worse is that I as a person do not place a high value on things like career and ambition. Not in my own life and not in others. So it's getting hard for me to relate and support Harry in his ambition as to me there are infinitely more important things in life. This wasn't a major factor before because his fame and success wasn't at the level it is now.

I honestly don't know what I'm trying to do with this message. I guess I would just appreciate some perspective if you're willing because I genuinely do not want to start resenting Harry. Honestly just typing this is making me tear up.

hi kind anon, i think you're dealing with a pretty common problem in the fandom these days. it's tough to feel like you don't relate to someone you really always felt comfort with. maybe a first step is to take a breather from the fandom as well as gp/main media talk about harry. no twitter (and i'm not saying this bc i have a weird biased thing against twitter. it's a place where opinions are thrown around like it's something ppl have been begging for, like it's fact, and it's really hard to keep reading opinions and debates without getting influenced), no harry content on instagram, no tiktok. i am not interested in anything others have to say about him, and i actively shield myself from it. i don't watch videos others have made with commentary, i don't read articles, i don't even read discourse on here usually. i think the habit of picking everything apart, of making sure you focus on the negative to properly enjoy the positive, is unhealthy, or at least for me. i know myself enough to not fall into blindness or naivety when it comes to what's wrong with enormous success and the industry. i just don't feel the need to get into it every time harry achieves something.

when it comes to harry's ambition and success, i just know (from what he's shown over the years, but the full extent we never will) how much it means to him. i think it's also a mix of actually wanting to be big for him and getting as high as he can to prove that he can to everyone who told him he couldn't. i don't relate to it either, and i don't think it's cool to have all those riches, but i still cry with harry when he cries of joy at his madison sq garden banner. i'm okay living with that nuance without always debating it. i love his music, i love his artistic vision, i love his lyrics, i love the way he carries himself. i also know i don't know him, that i never will, and that there are things he does and says i don't agree with. i have the exact same thing with some of my lifelong best friends, as they have with me. i'm okay with that. happy, even, of how unique and imperfect we all are

what i do, and what keeps me so in love with harry beyond the noise of the gp and the fandom, is focus on what makes me love him. remember that this is an interest, something that makes you happy, and not your object of study, or your career in politics. enjoy it all for you, enjoy it offline as well. and then, i guess, if that doesn't do the trick, a few steps away from harry and all that surrounds him might be necessary to let go of the bitterness. bc you can also just stop liking something, and that's also okay

[ragecndybars]

Fic in Review 2022

tagged by @bi-demon-ium :D thanks!!

Total Number of Completed Stories: Nine this year if you count my little Fuuka birthday drabble! :D I'm pretty proud of myself tbh

Total Word Count: 61,000 posted on AO3 this year, which makes 400,000 on AO3 in total! I... don't even wanna guess how many words are in WIPs in my google drive 😅

Fandoms Written In: Persona 3, Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon, and Fire Emblem Awakening :D Mostly Persona 3, lmao.

Looking back did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expect:

I wrote probably about as many words as I usually write in a year, but I definitely posted more fics this year than I would have expected! Especially since I've... kinda been going thru it this year lmao, so I'm pretty happy. :) Definitely still have wayyy more unfinished WIPs than published works tho, which may not ever change given how many silly little ideas I always get lmao

What’s your own favorite story of the year?:

Probably Always Wanna Play (But You Never Wanna Lose), given how much effort I poured into it, lmao. I was pretty proud of some of my Whumptober works too though!

Did you take any writing risks this year?:

Not really, to be honest, lmao. I guess I experimented a bit with my writing style in System Error, but I'll talk more about that in a minute lmao.

Do you have any fanfic goals for the New Year?:

I have a couple of specific WIPs that I would like to finish and post next year, but, more generally, I kind of want to diversify and post more character studies and plot-focused works rather than just angst, lmao

Best story of the year:

I think the one that turned out the strongest, other than my fave (which I've already talked about lmao), was System Error :D Like I said, the style here was a little experimental, since I was playing around with a more clinical POV from Aigis, mixed with some memory loss and gaslighting from Ikutsuki that jumbles her ability to properly categorize her own feelings on what's happening, and I really like how it turned out.

Most popular story of the year:

Always Wanna Play (But You Never Wanna Lose) was my most-viewed, most-bookmarked, most-kudosed, and most-commented-on fic of the year, which makes me really happy tbh 😊 That one definitely had the most work put into it so I feel like that paid off, if that makes sense?

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

I was pretty blown away by how nice everyone's been about my fics this year, though the glitter dancing on the skin didn't get a lot of attention, which was predictable, lmao. Pannelivia isn't exactly a popular ship and it was a pretty quick and relatively underdeveloped fic tbh.

Most fun story to write:

Fair Trade fought me a little since I was rushing to get it out before Oct 4th ended, but I found it very fun and intuitive to write!

Story with the sexiest moment:

None of them this year, lmao.

Sweetest story:

I don't... write a ton of sweet stuff, lmao... but my Fuuka birthday drabble was short and sweet! :)

“Holy crap that’s wrong even for you!” story:

Hm, I guess that would mean the darkest story of this year for me? Which kind of depends on your perspective. Always Wanna Play But You Never Wanna Lose had some mild gore and a LOT of blood, with Minato coming very, very close to death, which could be seen as the darkest this year. But System Error I think takes the cake for being much more bleak without a happy ending, what with the mind control and memory removal 😅

Hardest story to write:

Tantrum has been fighting me for the past several YEARS, so I feel like I have to say that one, lmao

Biggest disappointment:

Hm, I don't know. I guess I'm pretty disappointed that I wasn't able to post a couple more whumptober fics -- two in particular that I wrote 5-10K for but just couldn't wrap up to my satisfaction -- but that's not really a disappointment given that I still wrote was more than I'd expected.

Biggest surprise:

How many comments I got on my fics 😭 thank you everyone who commented, it really kept me going this year <3

I Tag:

uhhhh @wizard-finix @misty-wisp if y'all wanna, and anybody else who sees this and wants to, go ahead!!! every time i get to one of these points in a tag challenge I forget about every person I have ever met hsjkhfls

[rahleeyah]

d.c. anon backkkkkk ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼

first is a question: do you usually watch the episodes live? I wanted to get your take like right away on this weeks ep but didn’t want to bombard you with spoilers 😂

second re: Liv and the shotgun. first thing I thought of? well that’s sexy. and badass. bc if I had personally been through all the shit that Liv has and this was happening to me? You best believe I’d be doing the same. so for me to see all the backlash on this? (safety, kid in the house, etc.) like this grown ass woman isn’t a decorated nypd CAPTAIN and police officer for half her life. like cmon friends. lol.

ok so third I’m LOVING at this continuity piece they slipped in with oc by saying Elliot lost a friend, partner recently. It puts so much into perspective as to why they don’t talk. it also gives the shows and sr’s an out I think. What I mean by that is I know some big accounts on Twitter (and more than one) talk about having one sided conversations on the respective shows. Like why can’t we see a “text” from Elliot or a “call” from Liv? This requires no budget, planning, etc. (and I agree with that perspective) but it just gave us so much. And that’s so positive imo. Like FINALLY we’re acknowledging this pink elephant in the room as to why that hasn’t happened and that was awesome for continuity and esp for progression.

I think it also gives the viewers a chance to be rightfully angry for Liv and at Elliot in a way we haven’t seen yet. He just acknowledged that he was neglectful, selfish, etc. that hasn’t been talked about yet. so we aren’t watching two different shows in two different universes. there is a reason!

In all, I just think that that one comment gave us so much and that has allllllll the potential for this upcoming arc. It’s disheartening to see the negativity about it in twitter, but hey that’s Twitter for ya. 😂

lastly, I say all these things with respect and a little bit of humor-never anything seriously negative. I know how tone can be weird through the screen and would never want to come off that way or disrespect anyone in any way 🥰🥰

welcome back! lol

first - i do watch episodes live! i usually don't liveblog or check in on tumblr or twitter, but i always post a little immediate thought when oc is over and my inbox is always open for yelling lol

second - yes. there was an immediate backlash to the visual of it, a backlash that doesn't account for who she is, what we know about her, what we saw, and what we didn't. i'm surprised anyone is surprised she has that weapon at home. i think it makes people uncomfortable, and i understand that, but olivia isn't us. olivia lives a very different life from most of us, and she has a familiarity with guns, and a real, visceral reason to be afraid for her safety, and she had to turn in her service weapon. and of course in the wake of a trauma like that this is how she responds. i personally loved it.

third - yes i'm actually kinda hype for the idea that they had a falling out, or a drifting apart, and they are going to have a chance to choose. when he's healed and she's not trying to hold his life together any more and they both have to think about they really want. i'd rather them be in a fucking fight and angry with each other than find out they were having a lot of important relationship development that we didn't get to see.

bless you anon, thank you for coming back to share this with us

[gold-pavilion]

Hey just dropping by to say that your blog is the ✨finest soup✨that I ever found. Your analysis are awesome and very interesting!

I also wanted to ask you two things that have been on my mind for a while since the latest chapter came out and I think you’re the best person to ask these things.

In the past two days I saw many theories and thoughts on how the things might work out for Chuuya. One theory that I found really interesting was that Dazai is using nearly the same strategy on Fyodor that he used in Stormbringer on Verlain. In this strategy he basically tries to push Fyodor to the point where he reveals his “wild card”. In this situation he just shows Fyodor how useless Chuuya is so in order to escape he needs to use his wild card. I wanted to ask you what you think about this situation and what Dazai may try to archive with his words. (Your words that Chuuya most likely won’t die keeps me really afloat these days)!

The second thing I wanted to ask you is about Fyodor. Dazai stated that he actually wanted to kill Fyodor in the prison. Do you think Fyodor is meant to die? I agree with you that BSD usually don’t kill off their main cast but do you think it is possible that Fyodor is a character that is meant to die at a certain point? On this theory I’m kinda torn between two sides myself. I must say I don’t like him as much as some other characters but in kinda want to know more about his origins and why he became the person that we see.

Sorry if I’m bothering you with my question and thank you for your answer in advance!

AWW MAN thanks so much!! I can't stop talking about BSD hhhhh I'm super glad to do it with other peopleeeeee ;;;;;

OKAY LET'S SEE

First thing, yeah, I do think it's gotta be similar to the Verlaine strategy! The lack of disclosure about Fyodor's ability in particular seems to keep coming up, it's far from the first time. I wouldn't be surprised if Dazai doesn't feel certain of any winning strategy until he knows for SURE what he's handling, until he makes Fyodor pull out everything he's got, and for his ability to be part of that somehow too. This situation is extreme enough to instigate him to lay down all his cards. He might be poking to check for Gogol's actions too, or any other wild cards, extra players or extra tricks Fyodor has.

At any rate, Fyodor looked more seriously pissed than he ever has, so I don't doubt Dazai's succeeding in cornering him in more significant ways than he expected. The guy loves control, after all. I'd bet anything that losing ground on their mental games together stings more than any fear of dying right now.

Which takes me to the other thing. As much as I'm the first to say "calm down, no one in the main cast is dying", Fyodor has been SUCH a huge and difficult villain that when it comes to him… in his undefeatable-villain role, I can't help but imagine that him dying would be viable to have his defeat finalized. BSD is 50% a story about finding meaning, 50% a story about redemption told around Dazai. In it, Fyodor is sort of Dazai's opposite, who so far seems completely unremorseful, having made his "meaning in life" something way too twisted. I can't quite imagine a Fitz-type continuity-after-his-defeat to be written for him. BUT…

BUT, HUGE BUT.

We do not have exposition on Fyodor yet, right? We don't really know him. He's as intriguing as he is cause so far we've just never been told his story, his perspective. And Asagiri hasn't released any characters from the story without them getting their exposition. I've been waiting for it so anxiously. Who knows, once we hear his story, something might come up for him.

All I feel certain of is that Fyodor wouldn't die before giving us his full exposition already. And with Dazai pushing him so much to lay down all he's got, that moment might come soon!!

Thanks for the question, hang in there until the next chapter!! And let's revisit this in the future haha.