#I know that my (c)ptsd also just has a big symptom overlap with both adhd and asd

[jules-van-hering]

partner has told me today that I'd make a good autist :D it's funny to me bc I think so too. and turns out more than one of my close high school friends are definitely on the spectrum and I never picked up on my partner's tism as nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me. thats just how people are, right? I had just lived with an undiagnosed potential autist for 4 years, so everything fine and dandy to me, all normal levels of weirdness plus some adhd and trauma sprinkled in there. that explained the rest to me. but now that he got his diagnosis and knows more about it all it is becoming so much clearer :D

[oquinn53]

BNHA THEORY RAMBLING WITH SPOILERS

Okay so second bnha rambling with theories because I can’t think straight so I think of bnha! Specifically Deku.

Specifically, Deku’s endgame. There are so many theories out there and I just.... think about Deku specifically a lot. I mean he’s the protagonist and everything and I love him and a common theory that I actually do kinda think about a lot is Deku losing OFA. But I don’t think he’ll end quirkless. I think a lot of things need to happen but let’s start with me rambling about Deku’s characterization, how it can all be wrapped up in this:

Deku has PTSD. (This part is LONG and talks about masochism and mentions suicide and all that. Other points are shorter!) And I don’t mean post war arc or even post Bakugo’s kidnapping, if we want to go that far back. Deku has PTSD from the VERY start. This kid is a walking mental illness. Sources? Hi, I’m a Civilian With PTSD and I saw Deku at the beginning and I watched Deku’s horrible mental health deteriorate EVEN MORE than it started off as. This is really important to me, to state that he has it from the beginning, because I believe in the character growth and development. I might be talking out my ass but it’s fun so. Why do I say he starts out from it? Let’s look at symptoms.

A) hyperfixation, my old friend. Deku fixated hardcore on All Might and Heros in general. But he fixated specifically on All Might and he gets EMBARRASSED about it a lot. (Funny enough, the embarrassment of it is also a symptom of ADHD but I’m not as well versed in that). Hyperfixation is a very very common coping method.

B) His anxiety. Kinda self explanatory here. He’s a bully victim. He also has been literally classified as LESS. Quirkless. But also defenseless. Useless. We’ve heard that, his anxiety is there but it’s because of what DEFINES him. His self identity was born from what everyone else tells him. He’s a determined boy, but his sense of self is only wrapped up in what other people think—or specifically, what All Might thinks. Which blends a bit with...

C) A loss sense of identity. I talked about this a little bit he last part but Deku’s goal to become a hero is so tied to All Might that even when he gains the quirk, he has to have it beaten into him with warning of losing the use f his arms for him to realize he’s NOT All Might. But that’s still what he sees, even when he switches to using his legs more. He has no idea who he is. He just copies. He copies Bakugo’s moves again and again. And while it’s cool to see all the parallels and growth of Deku learning from others, there is a message of “making it his own” when Deku copies others again and again because he has no idea who HE is. He analyses like crazy because figuring out how other people do things is the only way he can figure out how HE can do things. Also, the whole language change because his image of victory is Bakugo? Literally his speech pattern isn’t his own, his every day one matching his mother’s.

D) repressed and heavily released emotion. He’s 0 or 100, both when he gets OFA and with his emotions. I mean. Feral!Deku. Do I need to say more? Yes, because I was to drive home how not okay Deku is from the very beginning. Boy cleans the beach and screams bloody murder. He has no idea what emotion to have and needs to let it out. Doesn’t matter he just did a shit ton of physical release, he has so much emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with. Just like Bakugo’s anger, Deku’s emotion usually comes out as his tears. Boy cries a lot but sometimes tears aren’t enough and Deku screams a LOT. Even his own excitement bursts out in bigger ways, with his mumbling and fact dropping (god, also slightly autistic coded maybe? Blurred lines with ADHD there, it again, not my area of expertise)

E) black and white thinking. He’s young, so that explains some of this but just like I mentioned above with the 0 or 100, he represents the mindset of civilians. He literally blinds himself at the very start to even what’s happening to HIMSELF. He sees hero and he sees villian and those are his two categories. Bakugo literally tells him to kill himself and Deku thinks about how that would negatively affect Bakugo. He doesn’t and never does see Bakugo as a villian for this. He sees “wow that wouldn’t be good for his Hero image” and because Deku sees Bakugo as a hero, everything has to fit into that. And while Deku has huge growth with this next part, he also originally viewed villains as just villains. He learned a LOT and while the society’s image becomes less black and white for him (because the whole manga revolves around the gray morality of it all) he still doesn’t see much gray area. It’s win or lose. With the sports festival, he literally won the race without his quirk. He got through the Calvary battle despite being a giant ass target. He placed in the top 8 (which he probably would have gotten higher on if his goal didn’t change) and despite accomplishing his goal with Todoroki, he broke down about not doing what All Might asked him despite gaining permanent scarring and a hell of a warning re his arms. But to point back at the beginning, this is reinforced with his entrance exam. Passing the written exam meant NOTHING because he did “””nothing””” in the practical.

F) last point, Deku’s a masochist. Obviously with the broken bones and things but I’m not even just talking about the physical damage he does to himself—which is, what, 95% of the time what he gets most of his wounds from? Anyway—I’m talking about his mindset. Masochism isn’t just the physical act of causing pain. It’s that mindset of deserving pain. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Deku only “betters” himself for the sake of giving more to others. He trains so hard, not for himself, but for others. On the outside it might seems like his goal of becoming a hero is his own but he sacrifices his body and dives into situations where he’s literally been warned he’s going to die and he just does it anyway. Eri’s Arc and him “changing the future” is what I’m referring to here and you could say “well he DID say he would change that future!” And okay, sure, but he was told Sir is never wrong. But he would rather rush into that future where he dies than take even a moment to think through his actions. But anyway, my point is him at the beginning so I specifically mean the training montage. Where he was ALREADY on a tough schedule that he knew would be difficult and he literally adjusted it and added MORE. Because, to circle back to other points because mental illness always overlaps points, he can only think of himself as 0 or 100, black and white, Able To Save or Failure. If he can’t be at 100 then he believes he deserves pain and causes it to himself. The only time he regrets his injuries is when it prevents him from giving MORE of himself to others. He learns his shoot style not because he doesn’t want to hurt himself but because he doesn’t want to become useless to others. He trains and loses sleep and puts his body through hell because he thinks of himself only as something for others. (I think wanting to save Shigaraki is a powerful moment not because it’s Pure Boy Deku but because it’a his own thinking, his OWN want, but.... it’s still not for him and will still cause him pain). And a last point on this, Heros Rising showed us that Deku is willing to give up his quirk and his dream to win and it showed us that while he believed he didn’t have any other choice, he was deeply disappointed in himself. Winning wasn’t enough. Hurting himself THAT MUCH wasn’t enough. He let All Migjt down and giving up his dreams, almost dying, becoming quirkless, all wasn’t enough to counteract the shame he held. Like god. Baby.

Other small observations or relevant commentary:

1) The doctor who told Deku he was quirkless is the same doctor who worked on Shigaraki. Same doctor who can perseve dead bodies. Same doctor who worked with AFO and all that. (See? Short! Will be relevant soon)

2) One for All is tied to All for One. OFA was literally created the moment a hand reached out to help. Can one even exist without the other?

3) Bakugo needs to apologize. Horikoshi has literally said in an interview post Heros Rising that Bakugo needs to apologize. Sacrificing his life to save Deku is NOT how you apologize to Deku. Deku will ask for a receipt on this type of apology. Return to sender. Unacceptable. So. Bakugo needs to apologize.

4) Deku’s dad isn’t in the picture yet. Hasn’t even been spoken of except for the fact we know his quirk is fire breathing and his name is Hisashi. Oh and he’s abroad. Oh and Horikoshi said he’ll be in the picture at some point. Given we’re in the final arc......... this might not be relevant at all to my theory because I have mixed thoughts on AFO being Deku’s dad but it would connect a few things in the theory.

SO. Finally, all of this together had me thinking about Deku’s characterization and what this (now with COMBAT related ptsd and not just civilian ptsd) means for his ending.

Like I said, I think he’s going to lose OFA. And I originally didn’t think so because Heros Rising showed his losing it and why would they do that again? The movie is canon. Horikoshi himself said so and was a huge part of the production of it. So they did that and wouldn’t do it again. Except.... Deku GAVE OFA away. Which is significant because it was his choice. And he had shame and we witnessed how much that hurt him, but we haven’t seen what’s now been tried TWICE: OFA being forcibly taken from him. Maybe by Shigaraki, since that is building up big time. But maybe by saving Shigaraki.

Either way, what’s more significant to me than how he has it taken is what that means for him, based on everything else above: he would lose his entire self identity. He would literally have no idea who he is anymore except for the only reference he’s ever had, which his from when he was quirkless. He gained friends only after he had a quirk. Every bond he has is tied to him being a hero and he was told it was impossible for him to be a hero without a quirk. Even All Might’s adjusted answer to him at the beginning involved giving him a quirk as the answer for him being able to become a hero.

I think this is the absolute perfect chance for Bakugo to say “since when did you need a quirk to be a hero”. And it doesn’t matter much what the context is, what causes Deku to still need to be a hero (whether a Situation or just an identity crisis) and I think about Quirkless Deku as a hero a lot, since that’s how he was originally written in the one shot before he was revamped for bnha.

But I don’t think Deku will end quirkless either because of who his doctor was. I think Deku had a quirk. I think the doctor stole it. Whether that’s because AFO is Deku’s dad and saw his quirk and knew he had to take it for some reason or whether it was independent and the doctor saw it and took it. The whole toe thing can be written off so easily that Deku could easily have had a quirk at some point.

And maybe, if AFO and OFA are cancelled out, the quirks that were stolen go back to their original owners. Meaning Deku gets his ORIGINAL quirk back.

As in, Deku gets his own identity.

And what would that quirk be? Hm. I don’t know. But. His mom can move small objects. His dad can breath fire. A mutation, maybe? I’ll leave that one up in the air.

And there are a lot of implications here that this could mean for him, as far as healing. And I just want him to be happy.

[citricsystem-moved]

Hi lol

I found an old note in our phone and it made me cry (not neg.) and I wanted to ramble about it because it’s interesting

We were diagnosed with psychosis before DID, so some of the stuff is subjectively “creepy.” If any of that bothers you tw for below

(also it’s super long)

For context I’m Jace, I’m the current adult life host for my system.

I became an active host in highschool around 2016, and we didn’t get diagnosed with DID until 2019.

I have little to no memory of our childhood except for our trauma, but despite that Lee says I’ve always been around. He remembered me as an “imaginary friend” perceived as a big brother who helped him out a lot.

One time we spoke with an old friend of ours, who we knew since elementary school. She told us stories about the camping trips her and (technically) Lee would go on together.

During one of the stories it hit me like a ton of bricks, I did used to front when we were kids. She said,

“It was always so weird when you slept over. You’d do this thing where you’d sleep with your eyes open, if we asked you to do something you’d do it, but you never responded/talked to us-“

“-eventually you’d close your eyes and go back to sleep, but when we’d ask you in the morning you didn’t remember doing it at all.”

And Lee still doesn’t remember what she was talking about, he remembers the trips she brought up and what they did during them. But not all that weird stuff.

Before I got us diagnosed, I spoke with my prior therapist about my symptoms. I was already aware of our C-PTSD, so he mentioned DID could be a possibility, but he didn’t want to say for sure. He gave me a couple resources to look at, which eventually lead me to try and communicate with anybody that might be in my head.

The first time I was able to hear Lee “clearly” I was so scared I threw up and called my bsf in a panic at 2am (lmao)

I was so used to the hallucinations, to forcing myself to be rational- even if it was after the fact. But that experience was so real and jarring I couldn’t handle it and “woke myself up” to run away from it all.

To paraphrase my note I jotted down; his voice sounded like he was speaking through a fan (you know, that thing kids did that made it sound funny), and every time he spoke my head would throb so hard and violently I could hear it against my eardrums. We overlapped each other, it was so obviously two streams of thought, and even through the weird voice he sounded scared. Most of what he said I couldn’t make out, because of the throbbing in my head.

Looking back I think it was what I did make out that made me panic. I’m sure anybody with auditory hallucinations would of, no matter how desensitized you were. He said, “-out of my head,” and “stop, you’re in my head,” and he sounded just as panicked as I was.

It felt like a horror movie, except my trusty anti-hallucination cat never reacted.

Eventually, I did it again. And again, and again, until he sounded normal and we were standing in that living room I burned into my brain as an “inner world.”

After that we both meant Harlow, and as soon as we did another ton of bricks hit me.

This one’s more funny I promise.

I fucking spoke with Harlow all the time.

Looong story short, I practice witchcraft, I “spoke” to something when I was down, panicked, in a tough spot, etc. I considered them a deity of sorts, but by no means worshipped them, just “worked” with them. It was never like they spoke back to me, it was always more like a feeling. But it helped, they always seemed to sooth me and guide me in the right direction.

Once I felt (heard isn’t the right word) them call themselves ‘Apollo,’ and since I’m from Greece, I was just like. Okay that can work.

Apollo

Apollo

Harlow

Apollo

Harlow.

I brought this up with him last year, when we first started attending therapy with someone who specialized in trauma related disorders. And this motherfucker just smiled.

He has yet to confirm or deny anything. But considering he’s a fucking wolf fox kitsune looking thing, I don’t doubt it was a  coincidence at all.

Lol sorry this was long, but I find looking back at this sort of stuff really interesting.

Because of how me and Lee divvy up our childhood I always end up doing the research and deep drives into our disorder to keep him away from what he can’t handle. But I love filling him in on what I find out and how I connect dots. Since he’s been dormant I don’t really have anyone to gush to since most of my other headmates don’t relate that far back in our lives.

Anyways if you made it this far send me any fun system ‘connect the dots’ or stories you have.

This shit tickles that itch in my brain ya know