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atlascas · 4 years ago

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DEANCAS FIC REC

(last updated 7/1)

FINALLY. this is like. just a place for me to rec and write excessively abt the fics i've been reading lately. it won't be organized but it WILL be very earnest and i'll keep it updated as i find/remember more. also i have obnoxiously high standards when it comes to fic so these ARE the cream of the crop, if u will. the god tier. the s tier.

very loosely organized into "newer fic" and "classics." these are subjective categories. do what you will

✨ = new fic on the list

💖 = in my brain rent free!

CURRENTLY READING

these are the fics that i’m currently reading! may or may not get recced. usually i read the first couple paragraphs/lines and if i like the writing it gets bookmarked and put on this list.

lazarus needs a robe of scarlet thread by herrosesneverfall, 90k, canonverse au. dean starts getting stigmata. when i was getting back into spn there were a LOT of religious fics flying around bc that was the Hot Topic of Discussion. this was one of them

Three weeks ago, Dean woke up in a pine box. He thought dealing with the nightmares was going to be the most difficult part of his new life after Hell, but at least they were something he could understand. Something he could deal with. Something he deserved.

Then he began having agonizing visions of crucifixion. Wounds appeared on his body out of nowhere. Wounds that refused to heal and coated his skin with the sickly sweet smell of roses.

Stigmata are said to be the marks of saints, but Dean is not a saint and the wounds are only the beginning.

kingdom come by ahurston, 8.7k, coda to 15x18. cas gets to go home. im gathering all the s15 fix-its to my heart and holding them close

Cas wakes up on the coast of Maine. He makes his way home.

hunger by ellispark, 10.8k, s13 au. dean grieves cas, post s12 finale. perfect writing perfect awful heartwrenching characterization so far on dean’s end especially towards jack. nuanced emotional writing

Dean takes his meal and throws it away, plate and all. He's not hungry. How can he even begin to eat, knowing what he kept from Cas — what he kept from both of them?

They could have had something, and now all Dean has is this gaping, empty hole in his stomach, in his chest, and he has to learn to breathe and eat and move around it.

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog, 60.8k, canonverse. cas loving dean in all permutations of humanity, throughout time.

“And what’s the point of it?”

“Of love? There isn’t one. Loving is its own purpose.”

NEWER FIC

“newer” just means “i discovered it in 2020/2021 after coming back to spn fandom” so it very well could have been published before 2015 but really who’s checking. not me that’s for sure.

💖 so says the sword by komodobits, 85k, s4 au. cas guards the michael sword in the beautiful room. this is easily the MOST obvious rec on this entire list but it was the first fic i read when i got back into spn this year and jesus christ it set the bar sky fucking high. the way they create a coherent mythology out of the mess that is spn canon is incredible.

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

assimilation by komodobits, 5.6k, coda to 12x01. mary meets dean and cas and they go to find sam. such good character studies of all three of them. the best mary pov fic i’ve read

Mary always thought you were supposed to be able to tell. That you could just look at someone and know they were – you know. One of that sort. It’s not supposed to happen to her son.

cuckoo and nest by komodobits, 10k, ambiguously canonverse. dean and cas navigate relationship anxiety. cute, in character, and their relationship is realistic and the conflict well-written and emotionally nuanced and really really really good.

For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental.

It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless.

💖 one white lie by komodobits, 11k, au. cas panics when trying to ask dean out and has to fake being a jehovah’s witness. it’s adorable and hilarious and it’s been ages since i actually got butterflies at a kiss in a fic but this did it. it did it. it felt like someone swaddled my soul in a cashmere blanket and kissed me on the forehead

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

a crash course in someone else’s history by annie d (scaramouche), 11.5k, set during s6. cas comes to as his s4 self without any memories of the past two years and has to figure out what the fuck is going on. it’s kind of like so says the sword. you’ll know it when you get to it.

Castiel is captured inside a trapping circle of holy oil set by Dean and Sam Winchester. The brothers call him "Cas", claiming that he has amnesia and that he is obligated to help them take down Crowley to atone for his betrayal of them. It's the strangest story Castiel's ever heard, and one he doesn't have time for because he's only just raised Dean from Hell and has work to get back to.

💖 cas and dean’s adventures in gardening by ahurston, 19k, post-canon au. a series featuring dean and cas living in the bunker, human. cas is very into plants. i read this yesterday actually and it made me smile SO much it’s just so lovely and sweet. i’m also a sucker for any fic where cas has a garden. he deserves a fucking garden okay

In this post-God world, everything is different. A little quieter, a little softer. Cas grows a garden, Dean cooks, and they take care of each other.

tall grass by aeli_kindara, 57k, post-s12. dean and cas live in the bunker on their own, and cas grows a garden. i did say i love fics where cas has a garden. plus domesticity, plus some good case fic, PLUS dean and cas’ relationship is so gentle and good

“I think we should have a garden,” Cas says.

Dean looks up from his beer. He hasn’t had that much to drink, but Cas still has a vague look of unreality about him, a splash of living color that doesn’t fit in the bunker’s echoing stillness. Dean didn’t hear him coming. A lot of the time, Cas is so unobtrusive it feels like Dean has the bunker to himself, with Sam away.

Dean shakes his head to clear it. “A — garden?” he repeats.

in a week by renrub, 2.3k, post 15x18. cas is in the empty. dean saves him. this is genuinely the best “dean pulls cas out of the empty” fic i’ve read so far like conceptually this entire thing just fucks. when cas is cycling through the barn scene. god. SO well written

Castiel is outside a barn covered in sigils. He frowns. This isn’t right. This has never been something he repented for.

i won’t even wish for snow by annie d (scaramouche), 5.6k, college au. cas goes to the winchesters’ for christmas. honestly scaramouche fics belong in the classics section bc she’s like an og deancas writer but whatever. mistletoe! banter! good in-character au! this fic’s got it all

It’s the third year that Castiel’s spending Christmas with his best friend’s family, and he expects it to be much like the previous two. Then mistletoe happens.

convenient husbands by annie d (scaramouche), 39k, canonverse au. cas is a phoenix, dean is a hunter. they get married and have a sick psychic bond. unexpectedly fluffy considering how the fic starts and i love the banter so much and dean/cas’ relationship gets fleshed out and organically developed it’s very cute

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?"

cinderwings by bendingsignpost, 181k, cinderella au. cas goes to a masquerade ball to save his people from an eternity trapped in a void. he meets prince dean. i can’t tell u how much this fic drew me in - thru good worldbuilding, but mostly thru cas’ social awkwardness. like it works PERFECTLY to his advantage in this fic and reading how expertly he manipulates social situations w/o any fucking idea what he’s doing is both hilarious and inspiring

Under the cover of a masquerade ball, Castiel has five nights to recover the key to his people's freedom. The world has changed greatly in the six centuries since their banishment into the void, but the task isn't impossible. Unfortunately for Castiel, this is going to involve talking to people - especially the Knight Prince who has taken an interest in Castiel and his "costume" wings.

as the crow flies by bendingsignpost, 3.4k, au. dean and cas go on a roadtrip. cas has wings! it’s so dreamlike and meandering and the slowburn is so good. honestly it reminds me of stevebucky/stevesam post tws era roadtrip fics if ur hip LMAO

Cross country road trips with Cas are the best.

long-term relationship by bendingsignpost, 2.7k, au. dean and cas have a Serious Conversation about their relationship.

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers, 7k, ambiguously canonverse. dean is trans. dean and cas are fucking and lowkey hiding it from sam. perfect character study PERFECT trans dean fic it’s so fucking well-written

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

💖 the love story of the runner up by margo_kim, 4.7k, ambiguously canonverse. cas tries dating other men. bear with me here. this is an outside pov fic from an oc named miguel who is WONDERFULLY characterized and very endearing like i find outsider/oc pov to be on Thin Fucking Ice bc it always ends up as fandom/author self-insert but miguel is his OWN MAN. he gets his own lil arc and everything. dean and cas are concentrated perfectly crystallized versions of themselves and the little glimpses we get of them are amazing. ALSO i wrote like 9k of an spn vent fic (basically the same premise but w an oc named marcus) back in like. freshman yr of hs. so when i first opened this fic i was like what the fuck someone’s been in my google docs. very weird experience 10/10 regardless

“So you saw a white man in a trench coat pop out in an alley,” Paul says, “and you thought, what, ‘I want to see where this is going’?”

“If you get hung up on details like that,” Miguel says, “it will take a very long time to get through this story.”

For a very weird era in his life, Miguel dates an angel who is in love with another man.

sunshine by northernsparrow, 8k, set during s13. dean and cas have a long conversation about their Profound Bond. the description left me off-balance (it really. really truly says “dean is straight in this fic” like okay bro WEIRD hill to die on) but it pulled through w the relationship study and reassurance and snuggles. a sweet fic

One-shot with a single conversation between Dean and Castiel, set in a late-S13-ish world. Gabriel, Cas, Sam & Dean are all living in the bunker together, Gabe's been cracking certain jokes, Sam's found a certain book, Cas is injured and isn’t healing... and it's all making Dean wonder if his angel friend might have some sort of a "bond" with... somebody? Whatever that means.

Maybe it's time for a talk.

💖 still life by catchclaw, 16.5k, post-s8. cas, newly human, goes to live on his own for a while. he and dean maintain a relationship thru the phone. this is LITERALLY the only first person fic i fucking respect okay like i was skeptical! i really was! but the pov is PERFECT and also my man kevin tran is in this fic and i love him and miss him very much. oh and cas going off to explore humanity on his own..............perfect arc. very much in character we love that for him

Dean'd always thought that falling in love was a capital letter kind of thing, an Important Event you carved into the calendar of your life and never, ever forgot. But with he and Cas, it wasn't that simple.

it’s mostly cowardice, and bad timing by ferritin4, 1.6k, pre-canon. actually this one is just a dean study it’s not deancas but i spent an entire night looking for it and i need someone else to read it too. dean is smart!!! SAY THAT

Dean gets his GED.

a list of reasons the bunker shouldn’t get a sofa by lizbobjones, 5.6k, set during s12. sam and dean and mary and cas haul a sofa back to the bunker. cute domesticity and fluff

Let me count the ways that this is a terrible idea.

no kingdom to come by domesticadventures, 16.8k, canonverse. dean and cas deal with being stuck in quarantine in different ways. this is the one and only quarantine fic i’ve read and it’s really good lmao. dean and cas’ relationship is so organic and tentative in this one

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

till the juice runs by deathbanjo, 8.4k, canonverse. it’s like dean’s being cursed to have bad hookups with men. SUCH a funny fic and the deancas tension is so simple and sweet and GOOD. plus cas is so enjoyably characterized here he’s so human and worn in and experienced in his own unique way. perfect use of rowena too

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

turn of the year by kototyph, 3.9k, canonverse au. sam and dean get stuck out in the middle of nowhere on the winter solstice. what i wouldn’t give for a full 80k of this verse actually. also i went on a kototyph binge after reading shut up put your money where your mouth is and they have a SOLID spn repertoire

Fifteen minutes later, Dean gets back in the car with empty hands and ice in his fucking eyebrows. “Get the map out,” he says through chattering teeth, sticking numb fingers under his arms.

Sam holds up the battered 1995 Rand MacNally they keep in the side pocket, turned to a page of uninterrupted green. “We’re going to die,” he announces.

💖 bullets in the gun by kototyph, 4.9k, canonverse au. cas is a cop (i know. still) who gets kidnapped by dean in an unfortunate turn of events. GOD this fic is SO FUNNY. cas’ canny and strategic escape attempts render him a very active VERY funny pov character plus the hate attraction to dean is PERFECTLY WRITTEN VERY BELIEVABLE. dean’s kindness also shines thru even as he literally holds cas hostage like!!!! PERFECT characterization. both of them are so LIKABLE here. if you read anything on this list read this

“Sorry, sweetheart, but I’m going to need to borrow your car.”

as you will by kototyph, 1.8k, victorian au. cas endures a proposal mishap. it’s cute it’s funny it’s sweet!

"No?" Castiel echoes, dumbly.

and if i was looking too? by kototyph, 2.6k, au. cas is undercover where dean works. this fic is just so cute like. bird angels.................

There are some things Castiel hasn't told Dean, and there are some things he doesn't need to.

the most important thing by northernsparrow, 94.5k, s10 au. amnesiac cas raising claire until he comes across someone familiar. claire is so well characterized here i really loved her arc thruout this fic. she just wants her dad back and u can’t even blame her the author rlly does an amazing job creating realistic and heartbreaking motivations for her. oh and dean and cas (esp cas characterization!) are sweet in this but honestly the highlight IS claire for me

Jimmy Novak remembers nothing of the last six years. Reunited with his troubled daughter Claire, he's struggling to raise her on his own. The most important thing is to make Claire happy. But why does he keep having these dreams of wings, and of two men in a black car? (Canon-divergent from S10E11, when we first met Claire again and Dean was still struggling with the Mark of Cain. Takes places several months later).

there’s only one sure thing that i know by blinkiesays, 20.3k, post-s5. dean goes to help cas out in ohio and they end up building a home together. i love the writing it’s rlly funny and sweet.

Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest.

💖 to an angel, love and worship are the same thing by geminisage, 10.3k, post s15 fix it. dean grieves cas - and then cas gets brought back back from the empty. i didn’t have this in my bookmarks so i MISSED it the first time around on this list but this was another one of the fics i came back to spn fandom to. it’s so fucking unique?? it actually reads like spn like i think fic tends to soften dean/cas up and makes them more emotional + emotionally intelligent than is ever shown in the show. here the dialogue/characterization adheres RIGOROUSLY to their communication in canon in that dean’s not overtly emotional, and cas is very reserved. they have to negotiate their relationship exactly like they would in the show. it’s all clipped conversation and anger and hurt and (warning btw) LOTS of internalized homophobia on dean’s end but it’s SO worth it. dean navigating his [GESTURES VAGUELY] everything is compellingly written, emotionally true, and PERFECTLY characterized. cas characterization also amazing like u rlly feel the quiet devoted bittersweet love. ok this was long clearly it’s a good fic go read it now

Just as Dean knew they would, the weeks do stretch into months, and then into a year. Grief never gets easier, Dean knows from experience, but you do get better at it. After all, you can get used to anything.

the violin house by teh_helenables, 8.5k, post-s5. dean and cas build a home after stull. so slow and lovely and sweet and gentle. i need to put this here so that i don’t forget it tbh. it’s very much dean as a war wife cas as the husband away on the front

The Apple Pie Life is a slow process, but Dean and Cas are getting there—until Cas is called for battle and Dean is forced to wait.

💖 muscle memory by komodobits, 18.9k, au. amnesiac cas wakes up three years in the future with dean in his kitchen. komodobits DOES NOT FUCKING MISS!!! i CRIED at the end of this i had NO INTENTION OF CRYING the rest of the fic isn’t even SAD i just had to sit there at the end of it w tears dribbling down my face. INSANE work of art

Dear Castiel,

Hello – it’s Castiel. This must all seem very confusing, and I’m sorry for that. Dean says to tell you that this isn’t some kind of ‘time-travel stunt’, although I’m sure that won’t be your first thought. I know it wasn’t mine. I’ve told Dean to leave now, as this is my notebook and I want everything in it to come from me – or rather, from you. I know you think it's the fifteenth of January, 2010, but it isn't. At the time of my writing this, the date is the fourth of October, 2013. Dean Winchester is your boyfriend of a year and a half, and you no longer work at the library, and in early 2010 you were hit by a car and hospitalised. I’m sorry.

a.k.a the 50 First Dates Dean/Cas AU where Castiel wakes up on a day just like any other, except that three years have passed without his knowing, and Dean Winchester is in the kitchen wanting to marry him.

don’t forget the experience points by annie d (scaramouche), 10.8k, au. cas is sam’s work friend, and he and dean get to know each other. genuinely an adorable fic. i adore cas’ characterization in this it’s snarky AND awkward AND confident in a way that i absolutely believe he would be if he had 30 yrs of human life under his belt

It's because Dean was an awesome brother than he took such an interest in Sam's new friend. No, really. What happened afterwards was mostly an accident.

actus fidei by manic_intent, 5.6k, canonverse au. dean’s a priest, cas is still his angel. i was HOOKED from the description alone like That’s Everything I Love in One Sentence. Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the very first time that Castiel manifests in front of Father Dean Winchester, he gets as far as "Rejoice, for you are blessed-" before Dean shoots him with a salt-loaded shotgun.

not with a bang but a yelp by strange_estrangement, 1.4k, canonverse. team free will leave yelp reviews. this isn’t d/c actually it’s just a crack-ish fic but the formatting is cool and the references are SO funny and so well done

What happens when you visit dozens and dozens of motels every year? You leave Yelp reviews.

the courtship of combat by bendingsignpost, 18.2k, medieval a/b/o au. cas is politically coerced into fighting in a courtship melee for prince dean's hand, and he teams up with two unexpected allies to do it. I KNOW HOW THE ABO THING SOUNDS but i swear it's done well - it's by bendingsignpost so ofc he puts his own spin on the premise. im absurdly into it. PLUS jack is in it!!!!!!! it's technically an unfinished series but the first part is so good just on its own

When pressed upon to mate for a political alliance, Commander Castiel dares to refuse his king. As “I do not wish to mate at all” is clearly the wrong thing to say, Castiel takes the other path and lies. “You must know my affections lie elsewhere, my king.”

King Michael studies Castiel’s face long and hard. Then, with a nod, he snaps his fingers, pointing to Castiel. “The Winchester omega.”

“Yes,” Castiel says with no real recollection of who that is.

The ruse of an unavailable omega works well enough, right up until that omega is no longer unavailable. Then, with what seems to be his entire nation cheering him on toward victory, Castiel must enter the melee to win his mate. Backed by allies, training, and his own natural talents, the only question is how well he can contrive to fail.

four letter word for intercourse by bendingsignpost, 194.7k, au. dean calls a sex hotline. OH BOY solid characterization excellent plot/premise like bendingsignpost is so good at turning absurd premises into realistic, believable fiction. also sex hotline fic is usually a BIG turn-off bc of the power dynamics/one-sidedness of a relationship based on sex work but. BUT. bendingsignpost does it well! it’s not weird at ALL i started reading and was immediately reassured abt its intentions and its plot direction

As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties.

What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right?

(It's probably a bad idea, but he really can't help himself.)

the tunnel of love by xylodemon, 21.4k, post-canon. case fic! dean and cas have to kiss on a loveboat to solve a case >:)

"We might," Cas starts slowly, pausing like he's choosing his words. "We might have to kiss."

Dean just stares at him.

when you have a future. by firebog, 17.6k, post-s8. dean and sam and cas learning to be human post-apocalypse. reminds me of robotmango’s writing! it’s kind of eccentric and very very sweet and funny.

Sam closes Hell. Castiel closes Heaven. The heroes save the day. There's no Heaven or Hell waiting to cause the next big disaster. There's no more end of the world. There's only a squirmy feeling in his chest that feels a lot like freedom. So, now what?

(Things I promise you in this fic: dog poetry, rabbits, and fluff)

six inch heels by alitneroon, 2.3k, canonverse. dean does drag! excellent fucking character study. prose is fantastic

Dean does drag on a whim, and ends up in way over his head.

sharing is caring by gateskeeper, 2.5k, canonverse. five times dean and cas shared something and one time they didn’t. look. sometimes u just need some saccharine tropey fluff. it’s VERY well written

Sam knows that Dean and Cas have shared a lot together, but ever since Cas became human permanently, it seems like they've been sharing a lot more.

Or: five times Dean and Cas shared something special and one time Dean refused to.

💖 empty spaces by schmerzerling, 60k, au. dean has to take care of his dying father, and takes up running to cope. that’s just the beginning. HEAVY trigger warnings for ED (specifically anorexia) and suicidal thoughts. there is a happy ending, but dean has to fight to make it there. god. okay. this is a dark fic. it’s also one of the most well-characterized fics i’ve ever read. dean’s spiral is excruciatingly accurate and written with the kind of wry compassion that comes from either extensive research or extensive experience. it’s also completely immersed in dean’s perspective - dean’s relationship w his dad, dean’s relationship w food scarcity, etc. it’s incredible. it’s kinda scary. it’s deeply sad. cas is explicitly autistic and it’s ALSO incredibly accurate and loving, and makes cas so true to his canon self. ugh. and i burst into TEARS at some of the accompanying art, which is so sparse and lonely and beautiful. 100/10 experience one of the best fics i’ve read this year

Dean is fine. The way he sees it, things are simple. He had a house and a family and food in his stomach, and now he doesn't. And yeah, that's a downer, but he's not going to let that stop him from being fine, because he's in control of the situation. He definitely doesn't need anyone to save him. And it's not like the weird guy with the nice butt from down the road is the knight-in-shining-armor type, anyway.

broken road by thegeminisage, 109.6k, 14x13 au. dean makes a wish and gets more than he bargained for. a lot of “john comes back” fics are kinda short on nuance, which this author has talked about a lot - and oh MAN does this fic deliver on nuance. john’s abuse is absolutely present, but his pov makes him a complex character instead of a flat caricature for dean to reject. and the way this fic resolves really makes it clear that the priority is dean’s emotional well-being over all else!!! this isn’t about dean taking the path fandom thinks he should take w his abuser (killing john, punching john in the face, etc), this is abt dean coming to terms w his abuse and finding his own emotionally satisfying way of resolving it. also dean and cas are in an established relationship and it’s very slow and sweet.

A 14.13 Lebanon rewrite. When Dean uses a wish-granting pearl to try and kill the archangel Michael before he can escape the cage in Dean's head, they instead wind up with a newly-resurrected John Winchester.

It's been more than a decade since John died, and a lot has changed: Mary is alive, Sam and Dean have what passes for a proper home in the Men of Letters Bunker, and they're living with angels. John doesn't know angels are real, he doesn't know about the fragile new relationship between Dean and Castiel, and most of all, he doesn't know that Dean said yes to Michael, or that Dean's plan to defeat Michael would send him to a fate worse than death.

Now Dean must contend with both his father asking questions he can't answer, and his loved ones learning about the darker truths of his childhood, all while constantly battling the archangel trapped inside him. But Dean coming to terms with his history may be the difference between this being the beginning of a journey—or the end.

home is not a place by imogenbynight, 6.8k, post-s11. human cas struggles with belonging, and dean struggles with their relationship. this reads a lot like komodobits’ cuckoo and nest, but it’s its own sweet little thing. they watch movies!!! very cute

In which Dean is the oblivious one for a change.

love: a retrospective by xylodemon, 40.7k, post-s12. dean tries to deal w cas’ absence after s12 and reflects on their relationship thru the years. this was written before s13 aired, so - no spoilers - but jack plays a different role than he ends up playing in canon. it’s kinda fun seeing ppl’s theories pre-s13 tbh. makes me VERY glad that they took jack in the direction they did in show. anyway this is THEE definitive “they’ve been fucking all along” fic

Pretending Cas is just his friend has been the only thing keeping Dean's head on straight for years. He never realized how much doing that depended on him making himself scarce in the morning ─ not until Cas came back and moved into the bunker.

✨💖 if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee, 37k, post-s15 fix-it. cas gets broken out of the empty - and he immediately makes a break for it. new fave fix-it!!!! the writing is so understated and so straightforward - SO in character for cas tbh - that every single emotional beat feels like a PUNCH. and there are so many amazing character moments it made my chest seize the fuck up!!!!! perfect characterization perfect relationship moments perfect cas/jack parenting moments. the yearning over the phone is OFF THE CHARTS and spocklee makes the most of that tension!!!! PLUS old canon characters get to make fun appearances!!!!! i cannot recommend this shit enough

After the Empty, Cas has to spend some time alone. Orpheus tries to convince Eurydice over the phone that it’s okay to turn around now.

✨ before and after breakfast by spocklee, 10.5k, post-canon. dean and sam and cas tackle a monster of the week case with unexpected consequences. perfect pov perfect relationship moments SUCH GOOD TENSION. again this writing style just lets the tension dial up to 1000% every word is meaningful and it makes my chest hurt!!! spocklee SHOULD have blown up during the spn renaissance and i STAND by that

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

CLASSICS

isn't it cool how every person has diff fics they consider "classics?" anyway these are required fucking reading. if u've been around these will prob be old news.

💖 asunder by rageprufrock, 23k, au. dean and cas go to sam's wedding. i reread this once a year like a religious ritual.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)

💖 the girlfriend experience by rageprufrock, 15k, set during s5. dean teaches cas how to be human. mostly the sex part. literally the gold fucking standard of s4-5 era deancas fic and for deancas fic in general, personally

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

okay, cupid. by orange_crushed, 4.5k, au. dean tries to sign up for an ok cupid profile and has a revelation. as soon as i put this entry down i realized this entire fic rec was an exercise in futility, because if i could i'd literally just rec everything orange_crushed/robotmango has ever written. still one of THEE best authors in this fandom. go read all her fics. i’ll put the highlights here

"The dating thing?" Dean frowns. "Online dating is for weirdos. Robots. Dudes hanging out in their basements."

"You hang out in your basement."

"I have an air hockey table down there,” Dean says, icily.

💖 pwp: pie without plot by orange_crushed and majorenglishesquire, 82k, post-s8. sam and dean and cas quit hunting for a little bit to open a bakery. this is my comfort fic. i love it so so much.

he is in the kitchen with flour on his hands and an apron and there is flour on his forehead and cas leans across the counter and wipes it off with his thumb and dean says "thank you" and cas says "you’re welcome" very seriously and later dean makes apple turnovers and he only ruins them a little and sam realizes it’s not a real hunt like four days into it and he lets dean stay undercover for like a week and a half or longer maybe way longer because he is such a good everything

💖 la cucina by orange_crushed, 4k, post-s8. dean gets into cooking for a newly human cas. it's so gentle and loving and kind and makes me tear up every time. YES food is a comfort item and expression of love for dean. no i don't want to talk about it

Dean turns around and Castiel is picking through the jars, turning them over carefully to read the labels, totally engrossed. Dean watches him.

"Is there," Dean says, "uh, anything in there you like?" Castiel looks up at him and then back at the apples, sitting in a basket on the counter in their golden skins, ripe and pretty. Castiel smiles up at Dean.

"I don’t know yet," he says.

today, your barista verse by orange_crushed, 13.6k, coffeeshop au. a series of short sweet lovely fics where cas is a barista and dean is a smitten customer. literally the only coffeeshop au i respect

"Is that-"

"My number," says Dean, because he's a fucking champion, he's cool, he's collected, he's Captain Smooth of the USS Smoothtania, that's right. He is definitely not leaning against the counter for moral support. Cas doesn't looked seduced or impressed, though. He does not look like a dude who just met Captain Smooth and wants to ride the loveboat. He looks puzzled.

fata morgana. by orange_crushed, 6.6k, post-s9. dean is the king of hell. bela and cas team up to find him. bela pov. yeah you fucking heard that right BELA POV. BELA AND CAS!!!!!!!!!! makes me lose my mind i love everyone in this stupid desolate fucking hell wasteland.

The endless asphalt and broken road, the empty land and piles of human garbage, the unwanted ends of life, the cracked toys and broken screens and burning cars and gravel. Dean Winchester is the king of hell.

"Oh," says Bela.

That changes certain things.

💖 gran fury. by orange_crushed, 5k, pacific rim au. sam and cas pair up in a last ditch mission to save the world. permanently damaged me at age 15 and i've never recovered. major fucking angst warning.

They sit in silence and Castiel passes him the bottle. There’s not much left to say. Sam takes a gulp and it burns going down, like the cheap shit it is. He holds the bottle up against the light. He can see the Fury through it, distorted like a funhouse mirror. She’s a tomb but Sam loves her. Loves everything that’s left.

"To the end of the world," he says.

"To the end of the world," says Castiel.

💖 shut up (put your money where your mouth is) by kototyph, 24k, au. dean and cas get drunk married in vegas. dean renovates cas' house. this fic is SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered/expected and the entire series is fucking adorable go read it RIGHT now

Dean's done some pretty stupid things, but getting drunk-hitched in Vegas to a colleague he barely knows might just take the cake. His surprise husband, Castiel, is a little weird but likable despite that, and Dean figures they’ll go back to Boston, get a quiet annulment, and go their separate ways. Six weeks later, he’s still married to one of the strangest, most genuine and definitely most dangerously lov-- likable guys he's ever known. Dean doesn't know why or really even how it’s happening, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember that he has divorce papers to file.

not part of the plan by annie d (scaramouche), 338k, arranged marriage au. cas is slated to marry a noble from the winchester house. things spiral out of control. if you’re looking for an extensive well-developed political au, this is fucking it. i love reading about political machinations so this was FASCINATING to me.

Castiel's spent most of his adult life keeping his head down and staying out of trouble. This is a deliberate choice on his part, because as a cousin of the King, he'd rather stay unimportant and forgotten. This changes abruptly when King Michael decides that he has a better use for Castiel: he is to be wed to a noble member of the neighboring Republic, as part of an agreement between their two nations.

Castiel knows he has to obey, but that doesn't mean he won't rebel in what small ways he can. Unexpectedly, his actions end up having far-reaching consequences.

💖 all things shining by askance and standbyme, 142k, au. sam and dean and cas go on a hunt that's not really a hunt, and against all odds good things happen. it's beautifully written and has scenes that literally make my heart leap out of my chest with joy and awe it's just WONDERFUL it's a wonderful fic. incredible mythology too omg i found that the authors actually created the myth the entire story is based on - like they don’t pull a random one from history, they made one up THEMSELVES. they even self-published it on amazon if ur curious

Something in the world is waking up.

It isn’t long before it’s brought to the attention of the Winchesters and Castiel: miracles are spreading across the country, the paranormal seems to be shrinking back on itself—and it all has something to do with the missing prayer book of a traveling preacher who died over a century ago.

Dean is convinced it’s all the lead-up to another Apocalypse; Sam and Castiel aren’t so sure. Regardless, it sends them out on a less-than-typical road-trip, following the Mississippi and remnants of a very old story that seems increasingly to call to them. And along the way the trio learn much more about themselves—and the consequences and origins of love—than they’d ever have anticipated.

💖 broadway musical by griftings, 12.4k, crack. romcom where cas is supposed to play matchmaker to dean and jo and well. you know. it actually made me cackle out loud when i read it again so you know it's still good. absolutely one of the funniest fics i’ve read

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

the five people you meet in heaven by chevrolangels, 22k, ambiguously canonverse. dean dies and goes to heaven and meets five people from his life. NOT a post-finale fic but still horrifically sad. i remember sobbing hysterically when i first read this so

Heaven is white.

Well. Isn’t that fucking stereotypical.

Dean isn’t really sure how he got here. Or even why he’s here. And hell, for all the times the Winchesters have died, he thinks he ought to know the drill by now. But what he doesn’t know is when most folks go, they find something different.

There’s a system God put in place. That when you’re gone (for good), there are a couple things you gotta do first. There are five people waiting for you.

They are the five people you meet in heaven.

any port in a storm by microcomets, 53k, post-s8. dean and cas go on a haunted cruise for a case. you know what happens next. also the art is by anobviousaside and it's gorgeous

The angels have fallen, leaving Castiel graceless and Dean with, well, more of other people’s problems. When a string of couples goes missing on the east coast, Dean and Cas decide to investigate—and find themselves trapped and hunted on a couples’ counseling cruise. Although battling monsters at sea is dangerous enough, sorting through emotional baggage proves to be far more deadly. (And, in which Cas embarks to find his missing grace and Dean is put out. Not necessarily in that order.)

a turn of the earth by microcomets, 95k, pre-canon au. cas is on the run from the empty and crash lands in dean's life. at one point he punches john in the face. a fucking beautifully written character study of pre-canon dean, honestly.

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

unfinished duet by microcomets, 5.8k, canonverse. sam observes dean and cas throughout the years. i remember this breaking my heart back in 2013!

Sam watches Dean and Cas over the years and notices a few things. (Or, Dean and Cas unscripted.)

💖 ergative/absolutive by glassedplanets, 8k, college au. dean and cas are best friends who meet in an astronomy class. i'm never not thinking about this fic it's so sweet and the friends to lovers is so soft and believable

He really shouldn’t be thinking thoughts like this about his best friend who literally just broke up with his girlfriend, but he knows he’ll blame it on sleepiness in the morning. He always does.

a certain light by flightagain, 24k, au. cas works at the gas n sip. dean is a customer. this author’s writing style is so lonely and heavy but it’s very lovely

Castiel works at the Gas-n-Sip. There are half-price nachos and flickering lights, there are office-workers and werewolves stopping by for snacks. Dean is a frequent customer, and his office might be haunted.

the one thing you can’t lose by majorenglishesquire, 5k, ambiguously canonverse. dean can pull cas around and it’s adorable. character study-ish. very sweet.

You know what I like a lot? The thought that Dean can just tug Cas anywhere at any time and Cas, who can lift tons without effort, who can demolish things with the light of his grace, who has battled and gone to war, has defended and broken, will just let Dean do it.

brother lover by twentysomething, 4k, set during s4/s5. dean’s jealous of sam and cas’ budding relationship. this fic is so tropey but it does it well and it’s funny as fuck

However- and it doesn't happen a lot- they have to invoke 'I saw her first.’

his fucking kids by 8sword, 3k, canonverse au. dean and cas raise claire and emma together. yes, claire novak. yes, emma of 7x13 spice girls fame. this was the first kidfic i read for spn i think. obvs written before jack or claire actually came back into the picture but it was the TEMPLATE of kidfic for me for ages

Jesus, the school should just have a parking spot labeled, “Reserved for the Novak-Winchesters,” because Dean’s getting sick of having to cruise around the parking lot looking for a spot every time he gets a call from the principal about Emma.

💖 what has eight tentacles and isn’t allowed to eat pie? by annie d (scaramouche), 16k, post s8. dean gets turned into an octopus. another fic that was SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered i fucking love when that happens. it isn’t even about dean being an OCTOPUS like NO. NOT EVEN. it’s ACTUALLY about the bunker and building a home and a community and a family and about PHYSICAL COMFORT and you can actually feel the world expanding at the end of this fic like a gusty sigh of relief it’s SO WONDERFUL. kevin is in this fic. ellie is too and i had to look her up but THIS is her!!!! danay garcia u were too hot to stay on this show but i love you and miss u

Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting.

Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.

💖 a beginner’s guide to communing with the dead by suspiciousflashlight, 77k, canonverse au. dean is a cop who summons a powerful entity to help him solve a cold case. oh my god i can’t believe i didn’t put this on here i love this one so much. the writing bowls me over it’s so confident in its worldbuilding like you’re IMMEDIATELY plunged into dean’s pov (FLAWLESSLY executed throughout the fic btw) and you just learn about the world as you go!! and it’s such a fascinating world!!! i love the magic i love the typical bureaucratic red tape procedures i love normalizing the supernatural. i ESPECIALLY love monsters as normal people in a society. at one point there’s this exchange

“Monsters,” says Cas finally. “Beyond the Wall there are monsters.” “You mean, like, vampires and djinn and stuff?” Cas shakes his head. “Those aren’t monsters, those are just people.”

those lines have stayed with me for years. i think about them every time i rewatch an episode of spn.

Maybe it's the little girl whose disappearance turned into a murder, and whose murder turned into a cold case, and who has now apparently decided to move in with him. Maybe it's the unacceptable hole left in his life when his dumb best friend and partner in (the prevention of) crime decided to go and get himself killed. Maybe it's his brother, whose high-profile career and fantastic girlfriend and first-child-on-the-way are steadily leaving Dean in the dust. Pick one. Pick all of them. The why doesn't matter so much as the what, and the what is this: Dean is pretty sure he's going completely, certifiably insane. Sure, he hasn't started wearing all his clothes inside out, and he still showers on a regular basis (anyways, that's not crazy, just a little eccentric); but there's no getting around the fact that he just threw away his life, his career, and his reputation by dragging out his mom's old necromancy book and summoning a Class A Forbidden Entity to his attic. A cranky one, too. With horrendous bed-head.

dean’s list by almaasi, 3k, canonverse. dean makes a list. short and sweet. i read this so much in 2015 that it literally got engraved into my brain line by line and rereading it caused synapses to fire that havent felt anything in years

Dean writes out a list of men he would go gay for. Sam has a suggestion to make.

💖 the path of fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, post-s8. dean and cas open a charming bed and breakfast in vermont. no, literally. another CLASSIC. i think about the food in this fic all the time...........maple bacon baked french toast......the cinnamon rolls.....it literally sounds so good

After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years.

long nights in cold months by pyrebi, 2.3k, au. dean’s an insomniac and cas works at walmart. i forgot i had this fic ALSO basically memorized. holy shit. pineapple in the fruit aisle.....................anyway it’s short and sweet and the “plot” resolves in such a satisfying way

When you're an insomniac, you get used to the "what the hell are you doing up, man?" look. Dean just hopes the guy who's stocking the shelves will stop giving it to him long enough to help him find some damn pineapple.

incredibly single & ready to mingle by imogenbynight, 3.6k, au. dean and cas meet on facebook. short cute au!!!!!!

Sam uses Facebook like the social media junkie he is. He's befriended literally every person he's ever had a conversation with since he got an account, which means that approximately—Dean checks—eight hours ago, he shared this horrible photo with something in the vicinity of nine hundred people. The caption below the picture reads “incredibly single & ready to mingle ;)” and roughly half of them have liked it.

Dean has never been so embarrassed in his life.

💖 unknown quantities by xylodemon, 8.5k, post-s8. after a post-case tryst, dean has to figure out his and cas’ relationship. human cas fics hold a special place in my heart. funny AND good dean pov AND a misunderstanding that i actually think works!!!!!

No one ever tells Dean anything.

(or: Dean Winchester and the not-relationship crisis of 2014)

#spn fic #spn #dean x cas #this is horrifically long actually.

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lambourngb · 5 years ago

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1 Hi! I saw the Michael wants a family w/ Alex thread & saw you're maybe planning a fic. First off I am such a fan and feel free to delete this if it in anyway offends bec i I swear it's never my intent. It's your fic and you can 1000% write w/ever you want. I can't figure out how to reply to the thread but I saw someone putting in a request not to shade M for not wanting kids. So I thought maybe it'd be okay to reach out too w/ a concern (i hope I'm not overstepping, if so ignore me please).

2 I get that the idea of including her in the 1st place was from a comment who wanted a fun petty moment (no judgement) but it grew to addressing Michael's passiveness. I just wanted to put it out there that I hope incl. her doesn't come off as if she's the 1st option for this. Given the OG text post, it'd be great if Alex is the 1st person Michael thinks of when thinking about a child. The idea of it being a last resort or that he went to someone else 1st just makes me so anxious and sad.

3 I feel like Alex deserves better & that Michael chooses him because he wants to not bec he has no options so I hope it isn't written like that. The show forcing things is tiring me out and it's making me anxious about things I'm usually pretty chill about. I don't even know if you will write it and I don't mean any harm. I hope you're not mad and I didn't offend & this isn't coming off as whiny or demanding, I was just rly hoping to reach out to voice a concern. Thanks for reading.

Hi Nonnie- first of all, thank you. I’m glad you enjoy my writing! That’s always nice to hear. And second of all, I’m not offended and I completely understand your anxiety about Alex being a second choice here with Michael. I’ve always believed that Maria has been Michael’s second choice in canon. He’s convinced himself that things are too hard with Alex and it’s best to give up. I hate that for Michael because it says a lot of things about his non-existent self esteem and his abandonment issues. Anyway, my “Michael wants a family” story is just a nebulous idea at the moment and is obviously something I won’t dive into until I finish off Last Year’s Wishes. I basically smack my brain with a rolled up newspaper and say “No! focus on the thing you started before you start another!”.

When I am ready to dive in- here’s what I’m thinking and hopefully this helps gauge your future interest in this story- like Last Year’s Wishes, I like to write from one limited point of view. I have only tried briefly to write from Michael’s POV, but I feel like this story has to be told from his and that’s intimidating as hell, haha, especially because I feel a deep connection to Alex.

What we know from canon regarding kids and a family is- Michael wants a family. Other than Isobel leaving the door open for herself in the future, he’s the only one who has definitively said he wants kids. I don’t know how Maria or Alex feels about kids, Maria I think I can guess on (more on that below), but Alex, other than saying that Roswell felt like home for the first time because of Michael (triggering Maria’s iconic line “Home can be a person”) hasn’t said much in the way of marriage and family. The fact he bought or rented a house in Roswell, instead of the cabin - maybe that signals he wants to set down roots? Maybe he just hated the commute from the cabin?

Maria is a little easier for me to make a guess over, and I could be wrong, but she’s been working extremely hard to support herself and her mother for many years. Did she dream about being a singer? Did she ever want to leave Roswell? We don’t know, but she is savvy with money and is constantly looking for opportunities to better her position in life financially. And that financial security is still shakey with her 24/7 hustle. Nursing home care in the US is so costly it could be considered a crime, and with Mimi not being old enough to qualify for social security or medicare, that cost is on Maria’s shoulders. From a young age- Maria’s entire focus on the future was based around the knowledge that she was going to have to take care of her mother. I don’t know if that leaves energy for the idea of taking care of a child. Maria also knew she too would face this neurological disorder at some point and become a burden herself. Now does the bracelet stop her decline? How long does the pollen’s keep things in check? And if she does keep her mind healthy and intact, what sort of thing would she be passing on to a more-than-50 percent alien child?

Again I could be projecting my own feelings here, but I just get the vibe that Maria has a lot of caretaker burnout still and is reaching for things that make her feel good in the moment but is in no hurry to take on another big future responsibility outside of making enough money to survive.

And what does that mean for Michael’s relationship with her? If he wants to have a long-term relationship with Maria, he would have to let go of the idea of kids. Here’s the thing, that Michael himself said, he’s good at giving up. He gave up college, he gave up on hope/people, he gave up on the idea he could have a happy ending with Alex- everywhere you look in canon, you see him holding up empty hands when it comes to things he wants and basically saying “I tried for a bit, it was hard, so I’m done trying” (and personally I think he tried for 10 years with Alex, the longest and most stubborn grab for happiness).

Other people get him to keep pushing past that impulse to give up - Liz when it came to curing Isobel, Liz again when it came to saving Max, and Alex- when it came to looking for some hope in a dark story (Nora and Tripp). So I want Michael to be the one who pushes himself past that impulse. I want him to come face to face with his oldest, most wanted desire (A family) and draw a line in the sand, and so no, “I want this, I want this for me” and not back away when it causes conflict with someone else.

But here’s the thing, Michael’s so used to “going where you want me” that I think even in the face of Maria saying “you know, kids aren’t in the future here” he would still try to make it work. I have long joked that I ship everyone on RNM with a therapist (except for Kyle, who is perfect) but I really want Michael to seek out help. I think he would go, but for entirely the wrong purpose- in my story, he would go see a therapist and say to them, “I can fix a busted transmission, but I can’t fix this. Can you help me with this? She doesn’t want a family but I do. How can I change myself”

And oh boy is that a pandora’s box for a therapist. Digging into the meat of you don’t think people will stay so you push them away- Alex, then when they do express they want you, you don’t believe it will last so why bother trying again. In the process of Michael trying to fix himself so he can preserve his relationship with Maria, he discovers though guidance - that he can’t be a good partner if he’s not good to himself, and letting someone else’s desires supersede his own isn’t healthy. Then finding the balance after you figure out you can say no- because compromise is also important.

Somewhere in this mess is Sanders, who after hearing that Michael’s ready to ditch the idea of being someone’s dad, shakes him by the shirt collar. Explaining to Michael that just maybe he should have tried harder all those years ago to be someone who could adopt him, that shame never leaves him. Trying twice was good but not good enough, who’s to say the third time wouldn’t have been successful? But somewhere along the line Sanders decided it was easier to be the old gin-soaked junkyard dog than be someone who was willing to do the work of sobriety. Does Michael want to follow in his footsteps? Leave some kid in a place they don’t belong if he has the ability and desire to provide a home? And Michael decides he is done telling himself it won’t work out, that he wants this with an impulse stronger than his self-defeatist instincts.

And that is the death knell on his relationship with Maria- incompatible.

Then, because I’m a Malex shipper through and through, there’s Alex. He’s shown up for Michael all through season 2. And in my eyes, they’ve worked on their friendship (drown in those 2x04 feels) and Michael calls him for advice, lays out what’s going on with him and Alex supports him on that path to being happy. Alex gently probing him about how long he’s had this dream of being a parent, hearing how it predated senior year, but after senior year Michael inserted Alex into the dream. Michael sharing even after everything, he still thinks of Alex of being there, maybe an uncle? And Alex, overwhelmed by how serious Michael was and maybe still is? Takes it slow, this can’t be a rebound, just urges him to take the small steps, like mentoring with Big Brothers/Big Sisters or through the YMCA.

Those logical steps get escalated when Michael discovers a hitchhiker stowed away in flatbed of his tow trunk after a stop at a rest area. He sees himself in this angry, but desperate kid. He doesn’t want to give the kid up and so he calls on Alex yet again, to do a background check to make sure the story is true and then pleads for him to help. Make Michael foster-parent worthy in the eyes of the law. I don’t know if this skirts the fear you have that Alex is the last resort? In my mind, his two oldest desires are having a kid AND having Alex, and once he works out he can have the first, he realizes that all is not lost with Alex as well.

Anyway my very long thoughts on this story I AM NOT WRITING RIGHT NOW: a take on ‘fake engagement because of CPS’ where Alex installs Michael into his house all so they could give a home to this stray kid.

#anon ask #writing thoughts #wip #malex fic prompt #Anonymous #my thoughts on this predate that post i commented on #basically i spend a lot of time thinking up ways for M*luca to break up #i need a break up that leaves me not hating anyone #and if Maria just decides she's just not into Michael while Michael is all in? Yikes #dude is not good at trying again after defeat #michael guerin deserves good things #therapy is needed stat for this disaster #tags added after my commute to work

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amwritingmeta · 4 years ago

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Hello. I don't know if you already made something about it but I wanted to know what is your opinion on Cas/Chuck relation. We saw a lot about Cas loosing his faith in Chuck for a long time now but very little on Chuck's part. I feel like I'm missing something, some sort of closure. Am I the only one?

Hello, my dearling!

I have talked about Cas’ relationship with Chuck, but I do believe it was ages ago, and well before we got Chuck as the Big Bad, so let’s revisit! *fun!!*

The thing about this is that I feel there’s a pattern with them that has everything to do with the “disposable” line fed to Cas in S11. For Cas to believe himself disposable, he can’t have his father figure acknowledge him, which is why they didn’t exchange a word (and barely a glance) once the end of S11 rolled around.

Add to that the fact that Cas, by S11, had already been so far removed from Heaven and had gotten so much closer to his own humanity and we see how there’s even more reason for why there wouldn’t be a scene between them. We got Lucifer confronting Chuck instead, and I would say there were a lot of Cas’ frustrations with his father baked into Lucifer’s.

Headcanon would be that Cas also had his eyes fully opened to the darker sides of his father’s nature via Luci’s knowledge of Chuck’s motivations: to be worshipped.

Cas didn’t entirely embrace this knowledge, didn’t entirely believe it, not even when AU!Michael brought the darker sides into the light, underlining their creator’s nonchalance and casual cruelty. It wasn’t until Chuck’s sadistic side finally and truly revealed itself that Cas saw God for what he truly is, and by then Cas had already confronted and beaten back his own Shadow figure enough for him to have no need to personally confront this one.

Chuck killed Jack, but Cas has no drive - not like Dean does - to see Chuck dead over it. Cas holds no vendetta, and he’s clear-eyed enough to see the journey he’s undertaken as the root of his personal growth, not merely an expression of Chuck’s manipulations, providing a beautiful and necessary contrast to how Dean is entertaining an opposite view in that he feels as though all his choices have been pointless and all the pain and suffering has been pushed on him for nothing, and he can’t reconcile himself with the idea that this is only a half-truth, and one that he’s actively choosing to believe in. *gah dean gah!* *because the POV you need to reach through your inner work is the POV that Cas has held ever since Chuck’s true nature was revealed!!* *gah!!*

Now, the transition of Dean as Cas’ marker for humanity, to Cas becoming the marker for humanity for Jack has happened gradually, ever since the beginning of S13, but I do believe the transition is complete. After Cas’ speech in 15x15 it’s hard to think otherwise.

Cas knows who he is, where he belongs, and what he must do: find another way. So that he can save Jack.

Cas is stepping into his core trait of acting the shield, rather than playing the role of weapon, showing internal balance and a connection to his own priorities that is utterly thrilling!

Sure, it more or less tells us that there’s no narrative need for human!Cas and, hey, as much as I’ve always wished for that to be what the narrative has been driving him towards, he’s still more human now than he ever was. So he’ll live forever and watch Dean and Sam die and have to go chill with them in their Heavens, so what? That’s fiiiiiiine.

No, really, as long as they end up not dead, it’s fine.

And I get the strong sense they might not. End up dead. *yay!* I mean, it’s perfectly clear that Dean and Sam will live to fight another day, what with Jensen mentioning the possible probability of bringing the boys back for a six episode smashravaganza in five years or so. But what I mean is: they may not all of them end up dead. Even Jack might live! *happy days!* They might also not all end up together but that’s for other meta to speculate on! I’m more hopeful than ever that we’ll get a balanced ending, though. *g a h*

Anyway: Chuck.

I understand where you’re coming from 100%, but personally I don’t feel the need for there to be an exchange to cap off Cas’ relationship with Chuck, because of all the above mentioned reasons. Make sense?

Chuck isn’t really figuring that hard in Cas’ progression right now, apart from how he’s affecting Jack.

Cas has already let go of his earlier need for his father figure to act as a role model. “Because God commanded it” is a long, long time ago. “Give me a sign” is as well. Cas is well beyond these stages of internal confusion. And Chuck the Big Bad, as said, holds no real sway over Cas’ choices anymore. Chuck’s words and deeds no longer serve to inform anything that Cas does, apart from acting as a spur for action, for thinking outside of the box, for tapping into his protectiveness and healthy father figure traits in order to act as a guide to his own son.

In Dean’s progression, however, Chuck is now the ultimate Shadow figure, embodying the final last push for Dean to truly confront himself, look himself in the eye, and let go of the self-hatred, fear and faithlessness. Let go of his need for control and start trusting. Trusting that, in spite of everything, good things do happen and good things can last. If you let yourself feel how much you want them. If you go for it without holding yourself back.

Come on, Dean!!

And this is my reading of this narrative so pinches of salt, but with Jack as representative of Dean’s inner child, it feels pretty bleak if he were to die. And though I can take the Shadow (Chuck) needing to be symbolically eradicated, I remain skeptical, because destruction is not integration... Anyway, more on this in upcoming metas!

I’ll leave you with this: I’m intrigued by how the narrative - which technically means Chuck - has always treated Cas as a secondary character, even though it’s perfectly clear that he’s integral to the growth of Dean, and by proximity Sam as well. Cas now stepping in to find this other way makes sense to me, because I do believe if an unforeseen blow is to be dealt to Chuck, it should come from Cas, whom he’s always sort of overlooked. Even when sitting down to write his ending at Becky’s desk, there’s the Sam and Dean Poppies, yeah? As are two feathers. Sam and Dean presides, as ever, at the forefront, but those feathers, for those of us who love them, are hard to miss.

I hope that answers your question! Bit of spec in there too, but I’m in a speculative mood as I finally watched 15x15 and 15x16 back-to-back last night and oh boy the old cogs are a-turning. :)

Hope you’re well, lovely!

#answered asks #chuck #cas #jack #dean #jung #shadow #inner child #integration #self-actualisation #internal balance #spectacular views

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full-course-identity · 5 years ago

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Give me your thoughts on uuuh Jake

wew boy

okay. gonna word dump this, and probably other interpretation asks, so I can get the words out there.

from my POV, there’s 3 types of canon Jake + 1 fanon vers + my personal interpretation. lemme explain what they are;

Book Jake, who I don’t have enough experience with bc I STILL haven’t finished the book… >_>;

2River Jake, who is kinda oblivious and very in-the-moment impulsive (not so bad he’s jumping place to place ADHD like Rich, but like, not considering that maybe dropping everything to seduce Madeline or Christine is a bad idea when he clearly really likes Chloe). these are debatably survival mechanisms bc of his family (and wealth, if you want to go into the “being rich actually traumatizes you and locks you into dissociation” theory–but to be fair, this is partially reliant on thinking Jake is Genuinely Rich. … well, not Rich as in… yeah); ignoring any pain he feels in favor of getting dicked down and forgetting about everything for a while. very “I’m not sad, I’m busy!!!!!”

Bway (possibly the new canon general for all Jakes since it sounds like London’s is modeled after him but just… toned down), who is still oblivious, but towards other people’s emotions instead of himself; he’s manipulative, a little impulsive but a lot more malicious about it, and he knows exactly how hurt he is about his parents. this jake’s awareness of himself makes him act worse because he knows this is the only thing that seems to help and it’s basically the only thing he actually has control of. his wealthiness is undeniably present and Bad here because the reason taking what he wants and not caring that it hurts people is his main coping skill is pretty much only because he’s been allowed that privilege all his life. i tend to think this version of him should be done by a white cishet dude (despite jake’s actor on bway being genuinely FANTASTIC) bc being marginalized in a high school should’ve curved a lot of the “endless power and privilege” he gets for being rich (Not That One).

[i… think this jake has ‘better’/more nuanced writing in BWay… but i don’t think it fits the musical nor is it the overall direction i think it should’ve gone. BMC feels best to me when there’s a heavier element of Dark Humor that briefly nods to a Larger and more Fucked Up world behind the bit we see in the musical. making it largely a twisted comedy, maybe even ramping that up further with more whiplash lines like jake’s “which means the house is empty, so that’s fun”]

Fanon Jake is… like most of the fanon characters in BMC, a bit… “bipolar” (like, radically shifting depending on the situation). the BMC fandom has been born with heavy engagement from minors in the current fascist climate of fandom as a whole. as a result, you have three general uses of jake that as “approved of” by somehow the exact same people despite being conflicting in a lot of ways. THIS IS NOT ME SHITTING ON FANON, i actually think most of this fandom is just a casual romp for most people and that shouldn’t be snatched away from them nor mocked nor treated like you HAVE to be logically consistent when this is just a fun hobby for most… but there are still trends i notice:

1: Jake the sweet bi disaster who loves their significant other and is just a little bit hopeless in their silliness and Down For Whatever-esque personality. this is often used for shippy pictures and memes and cute little oneshots, plus, of course, fluff.

2: Jake the tragic abuse victim who is extremely sad and has to learn to love again and has always been selfless, plus or minus a permanent disability post-fire. this is of course used for hurt/comfort, plus in combination kinda with michael in the bathroom-esque posts and tragic art, often also used as an example of the squip being the worst for jeremy or rich guilt trauma. also: aesthetic and moodboard posts.

3: the one I have the least good will towards: Jake the “why does everybody woobify mlm? You can’t portray him without flaws! queer boys aren’t your fetish!!!” with an attached, clunkily written reasons why he was an asshole that is also simultaneously watered down so you don’t think he’s a Monster bc then you’d be vilifying queer men (well, more like they’d feel bad about their cutesy-er ‘emotional support’ art and writing which is Totally Different from all the other cutesy emotional support art and writing).

basically, Meta Trying To Make Jake Reasonably Flawed But Not Evil in this fandom is RARELY genuine–it’s more often than not moralistic hand-wringing made so that they can wash themselves of the guilt for actually enjoying something with a character they portray as mlm, or otherwise the guilt of enjoying anything romantic or sexual involving men or queer people period when we’re apparently not supposed to do that anymore, as decreed by the radfems infesting our spaces.

and, well, or you’re an mlm writing this post, you’re probably young and still feeling extremely sensitive and scared about your identity. i once saw a very wise post by a trans person who had been trans for a long time, who said that when you first come out as trans (or queer in general, but especially trans people who are beginning social or physical transition and coming to terms with themselves) you are obvs on High Fucking Alert and so you’re insecure and scared of anything, ranging from “obvious transphobia” to “just trans people enjoying themselves and exploring transphobia in fiction or else their own sexuality”. again, this can relate to a lot of identities tbh, and as such young mlm either cis or trans can get very Itchy about people enjoying mlm content.

anyway.

wrapping it back around to me: i edit jake on a case by case basis (sometimes i even make him eviler or meaner based on what’s set up during Bway, he’s just not my usual go-to villain), but i tend to think of him as a tragic Mr. Peanutbutter-y sweetheart who kinda knows he feels like shit yet also knows that if he stops to assess it, it would make his life a lot harder in a time where he can’t afford that. his relationship with chloe is extremely toxic (chloe abuses him horribly, specifically), and so he tries to claw his way out of it only to be continually back in by chloe and her bullshit.

this is why he doesn’t really get... well. he genuinely thought the thing with christine was going to be permanent; he wasn’t jerking her around, he thought he was over chloe and wanted a girl as cool and fun and genuinely nice as her. afterward he Gets It, and so feels Really Bad--at a time where he doesn’t have his house, his legs are broken (i don’t tend to put him in a perma-wheelchair), his parents have abandoned him, and he best friend is in the hospital. guilt crashes in on him from all sides, and he just has to... pretend it isn’t, even as he can no longer stop himself from thinking about it.

if i was to do a jake focused story, it’d probably be a dating sim where you play as him and watch his life change in conjunction with his attempts to find happiness again; you can either choose decisions that help him greatly or ruin his life so ver much... hmm. lets file that under hashtag “story ideas i’ll never use even though they could be great”

to wrap this up: i like jake. i don’t... really enjoy most of the written content (fanfic, meta, sometimes even the storylines on ask blogs) in this fandom about him or... really, most of the characters, which i feel bad about--i’d enjoy it more if it was every in conjunction with my usual Wants in a fic, which is, like. extreme angst.

BUT

i do still like jake, and i can super enjoy his portrayal in memes and visual art

he’s just not my total fave, but like, the reason he tends not to come up a lot in my content is more what i’m focusing on and why. i’d be happy to use him in stories if his presence fit.

as a bonus

here’s the ships i’m happy to use him for, generally: deere, michael/jake, brooke/jake, toxic chloe/jake, and of course, different ocs/jake

his identities/labels: cis, bisexual/romantic... tho sometimes i actually go for bisexual and aromantic! outside bway and eviler jakes, i’m good with him being any race, and even then it’s just a matter of suspending disbelief re: privilege theory. also, PTSD probably, and maybe generalized anxiety as a result. maaaaaybe autistic too? adhd would be a hard sell for me since he seems super put together in a way that’d be extremely difficult for every form of adhd, but i can see him being neurodivergent on the spectrum + like dyslexia maybe. oh, and i sorta-kinda think he may be color blind? but really i’d drop that at a moment’s notice if it’d be easier to write him without it lol.

his interests: one is more or less sports in general, tho i think that, unless he went straight for track or swimming or something Olympics (which he probably can’t do now...), that’s a high school or some college only focus for him. so, besides sports, i think he’d kinda like the satisfaction and steady growth of Collecting Rare Things That You Have To Look For, like cool rocks, bugs, etc.

as for careers... some form of doctor something, maybe a businessman of some sort but he’d likely try to curve his power in that field as much as possible; he inherits his parents' assets and company or whatever, but he probably takes a backseat to that and only really has it out of a sense of ‘it’s my job as my parent’s kid to keep the company going--without engaging in the same awful legal issues they did--for as long as i can’. one of my fave jake-is-there stories, vanceypant’s spicy bis-focused fic 1999, has him owning a restaurant, and that was cool as hell.

also jake loves dogs. especially golden retrievers. yes.

#be more chill #bmc #jake dillinger #kadabralin #bmc meta #meta #character interpretations #wow this... is long #holy shit sorry about that

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hairgrowsback · 5 years ago

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Jaime Lannister's arc and the limits of redemption

This is what GRRM said when Rolling Stone asked him about Jaime's supposed redemption arc:

One of the things I wanted to explore with Jaime, and with so many of the characters, is the whole issue of redemption. When can we be redeemed? Is redemption even possible? I don’t have an answer. But when do we forgive people? You see it all around in our society, in constant debates. Should we forgive Michael Vick? I have friends who are dog-lovers who will never forgive Michael Vick. Michael Vick has served years in prison; he’s apologized. Has he apologized sufficiently? Woody Allen: Is Woody Allen someone that we should laud, or someone that we should despise?Or Roman Polanski, Paula Deen. Our society is full of people who have fallen in one way or another, and what do we do with these people? How many good acts make up for a bad act? If you’re a Nazi war criminal and then spend the next 40 years doing good deeds and feeding the hungry, does that make up for being a concentration-camp guard? I don’t know the answer, but these are questions worth thinking about. I want there to be a possibility of redemption for us, because we all do terrible things. We should be able to be forgiven. Because if there is no possibility of redemption, what’s the answer then?

So, clearly GRRM doesn't think Jaime is an irredeemable monster, he believes that one can learn to seek forgiveness through their actions. However, it is also clear that with his answer here he was going for something far more complex for Jaime than just a standard redemption arc. He compares Jaime to people that our society sees as monsters, if you ask most people if they'd want to give someone like Woody Allen or a nazi criminal a second chance...9 times out of 10 you'd probably hear a resounding "no". Obviously since this is only fiction and Jaime at the end of the day is harmless fictional character who hasn't hurt any actual real people, we can be less harsh on him for his crimes than an actual nazi war criminal lol but at the same time I do also think that GRRM comparing Jaime to these kinds of people indicates that he believes Jaime's actions just aren't that easy to forgive or atone for. That forgiveness and atonement is a long messy journey and yes the answer to his last question of whether there is a possibility of redemption for Jaime could be a no.

In this analysis about Jaime, I would like to make the argument that Jaime's character isn't a straightforward redemption but an arc that ultimately questions the limits of redemption, and does not actually give a comfortable answer about whether Jaime is redeemed or not making Jaime the ultimate grey character of the series. I want to mostly make my point from text from the books as I have always believed that Jaime's arc in the books is like this, but I also want to cite some examples from the show and try to explain what the show was trying to achieve with Jaime.

As readers its hard to not empathize with Jaime when he loses his hand in ASOS, however I also believe that the interpretation that after Jaime loses his hand, everything about him is redemptive because he does become humbled through this trauma and learns to respect and admire Brienne, even saving her life.

However, how much does Jaime think or try to repent for his original sin in regards to Bran? Not much, as in his POV chapters he never even thinks of Bran by his name. The only time he ever shows any regret at all, is this one quick line in ASOS in a conversation with Cersei:

Robert's death still left a bitter taste in Jaime's mouth. It should have been me who killed him, not Cersei. "I only wished he'd died at my hands." When I still had two of them. "If I'd let kingslaying become a habit, as he liked to say, I could have taken you as my wife for all the world to see. “I'm not ashamed of loving you, only of the things I've done to hide it. That boy at Winterfell . . ." "Did I tell you to throw him out the window? If you'd gone hunting as I begged you, nothing would have happened. But no, you had to have me, you could not wait until we returned to the city."

And while it is good that Jaime now sees pushing Bran as a "shameful" thing, the context of this regret is his irritation that he did not have the chance to kill Robert and marry Cersei. I personally do think that even this one line of regret is soured by this. Jaime clearly still cannot comprehend his role in causing the War of the Five Kings. How his relationship with Cersei and pushing Bran set this domino effect that led to devastation in an entire continent.

Now what I'm saying will probably be disagreed upon, but I do not believe that Jaime's apology to Bran was entirely genuine in the Season 8 either. Jaime showed 0 regret towards his attack at Ned and his men, or his part in the War of the Five Kings, he said he would do all those actions again if he could. Unlike Theon who is filled with guilt to the brim and is constantly expressing remorse over his actions, Jaime did not even tell the Starks about pushing Bran. He essentially lied by omission at his trial and Bran called him out on it by echoing the *"things I do for love"* line. It was Theon and not Jaime who volunteered to sacrifice himself for Bran.

tl;dr: unlike theon, jaime never ever repents for his original sin in regards to Bran in the show and in the books so far, the one moment where he expressed regret towards Bran was filled with anger about not being able to kill Robert and having Cersei in the way he wants.

Now in regards to Jaime's relationship with Cersei, there's a pervasive thought that Jaime was essentially trapped into the relationship, that it was Cersei who forced herself upon Jaime when in fact, Jaime's own thoughts show that the relationship began when kid Cersei and Jaime couldn't stop "experimenting" with each other:

“He could never bear to be long apart from his twin. Even as children, they would creep into each other's beds and sleep with their arms entwined. Even in the womb. Long before his sister's flowering or the advent of his own manhood, **they had seen mares and stallions in the fields and dogs and bitches in the kennels and played at doing the same.** Once their mother's maid had caught them at it . . . he did not recall just what they had been doing, but whatever it was had horrified Lady Joanna. She'd sent the maid away, moved Jaime's bedchamber to the other side of Casterly Rock, set a guard outside Cersei's, and told them that they must never do that again or she would have no choice but to tell their lord father. They need not have feared, though. It was not long after that she died birthing Tyrion. Jaime barely remembered what his mother had looked like.”

From A Feast for Crows:

"I can't remember when we first began to kiss. It was innocent at first. Until it wasn't."

Both Jaime and Cersei's POV support that more often times than not, it was Jaime who initiated their sexual encounters:

“She did not come to him, however. She has never come to me, he thought. She has always waited, letting me come to her. She gives, but I must ask. "

Taena got quite drunk and Cersei pried the name of her secret lover from her. He was a Myrish sea captain, half a pirate, with black hair to the shoulders and a scar that ran across his face from chin to ear. A hundred times I told him no, and he said yes," the other woman told her, "until finally I was saying yes as well. He was not the sort of man to be denied." "I know the sort," the queen said with a wry smile.

"Has Your Grace ever known a man like that, I wonder?""Robert," she lied, thinking of Jaime.

And of course, there's the infamous sept scene where we all know that its Jaime who pressures Cersei into sex (even though no he did not rape her in the books like he did on the show)

The Jaime and Cersei relationship is highly dysfunctional and toxic, but Jaime has never been shackled by Cersei. He made his own choices, being with Cersei was more important to him than being Lord of Casterly Rock or marrying Lysa or anything else. He chose to do things he did for love. Jaime and Cersei was a consensual relationship, Cersei is manipulative but Jaime went along with it and made his choices and yes even coerced her into sex and didn't take "no" for answer. It is a mutually toxic relationship.

Finally, there is this notion that Jaime burning Cersei's letter at the end of AFFC means that he is 100% done with her, has no love for her anymore and has also understood the length of toxicity of House Lannister.

I would like to even counter that proving support that I believe Jaime's feelings for Cersei are far more complex than people realize.

In the same chapter that Jaime burns Cersei's letter he also has all of these other thoughts about Cersei:

"We all dream of things we cannot have. Tywin dreamed that his son would be a great knight, that his daughter would be a queen. He dreamed they would be so strong and brave and beautiful that no one would ever laugh at them."

"I am a knight," he told her, "and Cersei is a queen."A tear rolled down her cheek. The woman raised her hood again and turned her back on him. Jaime called after her, but already she was moving away, her skirt whispering lullabies as it brushed across the floor. Don't leave me, he wanted to call, but of course she'd left them long ago.

When Jaime has his dream about Joanna, what he says about himself and Cersei shows that he still has not realized just how much he and Cersei have failed at being a queen and a knight. To some extent, he still romanticizes himself and Cersei.

This is the thought he has right before he receives Cersei's letter

There was a time, not long ago, when he might have been out making snowballs with the best of them, to fling at Tyrion when he waddled by, or slip down the back of Cersei's gown. You need two hands to make a decent snowball, though.

Hs dream about Joanna has ironically awakened him even more about his losses. And when he thinks about Cersei in ADWD, we learn that his ultimate decision to burn Cersei's letter was partially motivated because even if he did go back to her, there is no way he could protect her and save her life:

Past time this was ended, thought Jaime Lannister. With Riverrun now safely in Lannister hands, Raventree was the remnant of the Young Wolf’s short-lived kingdom. Once it yielded, his work along the Trident would be done, and he would be free to return to King’s Landing. To the king, he told himself, but another part of him whispered, to Cersei.

He would have to face her, he supposed. Assuming the High Septon had not put her to death by the time he got back to the city. “Come at once,” she had written, in the letter he’d had Peck burn at Riverrun. “Help me. Save me. I need you now as I have never needed you before. I love you. I love you. I love you. Come at once.” Her need was real enough, Jaime did not doubt. As for the rest … she’s been fucking Lancel and Osmund Kettleblack and Moon Boy for all I know … Even if he had gone back, he could not hope to save her. She was guilty of every treason laid against her, and he was short a sword hand.

Jaime also still thinks of Cersei as his wife as of ADWD:

"Do you have a little wife, ser?" No, I have a sister.

So basically while Jaime and Cersei are absolutely estranged, Jaime's feelings for her aren't as black and white as they seem.

As far as Jaime's feelings on the power of House Lannister are concerned..

In season 8, Jaime's only promise was to fight the AOTD, he didn't bend the knee to Daenerys and made no promises of bringing down the Lannister regime.

In the books, Jaime still absolutely supports Tommen as king as of ADWD.

Once he found the Blackfish, he would be free to return to King’s Landing, where he belonged. My place is with my king. With my son.

His seige of Riverrun and helping the Freys get Riverrun is still Jaime actively furthering the power of the Lannister regime. There is nothing to suggest from either the show or books that Jaime will work to destroy House Lannister. One would think true redemption would mean Jaime realizing to bring down the full evils of his house.

Now finally in regards to the valonqar prophecy, the pervasive theory on that has been that Jaime will kill Cersei as part of this big redemptive arc when she tries to blow up the city. However, we know now from Season 8 that unfortunately it is far more likely that Daenerys ends up being like Aerys than Cersei in the books despite all the obvious Cersei and Aerys parallels in AFFC.

Cersei's subplot was likely merged with Faegon's in the show and the wildfire was removed from underneath the Sept of Baelor in the books and D&D have also basically come clear in an Inside the Episode that Cersei blowing up the sept was their invention and not something that comes from GRRM. Cersei will likely get some destructive revenge against the High Sparrow in TWOW but it is unlikely its via sept burning.

tl;dr: as time has gone by it seems less and less likely that if Jaime kills Cersei in the books, it will be an exact mirror of his murder of Aerys imo

But far far more importantly, based on Jaime's trajectory... if GRRM does choose to have Jaime straight up kill Cersei in the books and not do some subversion for that last bit of the valonqar prophecy or whatever... (I actually don't think its impossible that Cersei doesn't get violently murdered in the books just like she didn't in the show HA). It is highly unlikely that it will be painted as a redemptive act. In fact it is far more likely that due to his experiences with Stoneheart in TWOW, it will be Jaime actively choosing Lannister toxicity and Tywin's fucked up cycle of abuse to get vengeance on the woman he loved his entire life, his sister, the mother of his children. No, I do not think it will paint Jaime as 100% monstrous but just not 100% heroic either and show that killing Cersei is something he had to do out of *love* rather than hate. Loving Cersei is an absolute core part of Jaime's character that cannot be erased. Whether Jaime kills Cersei in the books or dies hugging her like he did so on the show, his final moments with Cersei will not be black or white in terms of morality and the question of redemption.

So ultimately the main purpose of my post is that I do not believe it was the show's intention to just erase all of Jaime's character development and make him the same person as season 1 ep 1 in his final moments, but to ultimately have his story be that of a somewhat failed redemption arc. The show just rushed and botched the execution of it due to bad writing (such as the nonsensical "I never cared about the innocents" line). And I also believe that book Jaime is also on the same path, just in different ways since because of the changes in adaptation. Do I think Season 8 was terrible? Absolutely, but Jaime's character in itself is not a complete failure because his arc was always far more complex than that of straightforward redemption.

#it took me an hour to write this shit yesterday ok lol #jaime lannister #jaime meta #cersei lannister #a song of ice and fire #game of throne #brienne of tarth #jaime x cersei #a feast for crows #gotjaimelannister #gotcerseilannister

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pug-bitch · 5 years ago

Text

That’s not why I’m staying (3)

I like a protective brother

Book: The Royal Romance, Book 2

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive, and a VERY steamy scene right at the beginning. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: about 4,600

Notes: This picks up pretty much where we left off, after the gang’s night out, starting with Amara’s POV.

*****

Amara throws her purse on the bed, and takes a very deep breath. ‘What an awesome night,’ she whispers.

Drake smiles at her and sits on the comforter. ‘You must be exhausted,’ he says.

She smiles and runs a hand through his hair, straddling him. ‘Not at all,’ she whispers. His smile becomes more mischievous as she starts unbuttoning his shirt. She adds, ‘I’m pretty fucking awake.’

Their lips crash together and their bodies cling to one another, not even giving each other the time to undress. She sits on his lap, facing him, his growing erection pressed against her. Drake’s hands roam up on her back, under her light yellow top, until they find her bra. He expertly unhooks it with one hand, which draws a low, unexpected groan from Amara. He pulls her top over her head and throws her bra across the room as swiftly as humanly possible, and she catches herself thinking, what did I do to deserve this sexy man?

She gets up and quickly takes of the rest of her clothes, as Drake takes off his pants too. Amara takes back her position, straddling him. He moans. ��Fuck, babe, you’re so sexy.’ He kisses her neck and nips at her earlobe. She kisses him again, deeper and deeper, and grinds him until he’s about to burst out of his boxers. With one hand, she frees his throbbing cock from its fabric prison, and Drake groans in her ear. ‘I want you so fucking badly,’ he whispers.

His cock teases her entrance, although she can tell he’s dying to be inside her. She feels herself getting wetter and wetter, she can barely control herself as Drake’s mouth lands on each of her nipples and kisses them, licks them. She moans louder and bucks her hips, ready and eager for more. ‘Fuck me,’ she whispers.

Drake obliges, slowly and deeply. When the tip of his cock enters her, she lets out a low groan, and tugs on his hair a little harder. She wants to take him all in, she wants them to be as close as possible, always.

As they move together, she breaks their kiss for a second, just the time to say to him, ‘I love you.’

Breathlessly, he responds, ‘I love you too.’

*****

Drake pours himself another cup of coffee, before joining Maxwell on the patio. ‘Hey Max,’ he says.

Maxwell looks up from his book and smiles brightly. ‘Hey Drake. What are you up to?’

‘Not much, I’m waiting for Michael and Amara to be done with their call, and then I’m taking Mike on a tour of Ramsford. You?’

Maxwell pats his stomach. ‘Trying to relax and get over the magnificent lunch you made us. I can barely move.’ He gestures towards Hana, who’s doing laps in the pool. ‘Look at this one. She gleefully ignores the ‘wait 30 minutes after lunch before you swim’ rule.’

Drake chuckles. ‘Glad you enjoyed lunch. How is life?’

Maxwell laughs. ‘What do you mean, ‘how is life?’ We’ve been spending so much time together, you know exactly how my life has been. Amazing, surrounded by my friends, old and new. Plus, I got a new goat.’

‘Ah, right, the magnificent B-Coops.’

Maxwell smiles a bit brighter. ‘The most beautiful man in the world.’

Drake shakes his head. ‘You guys are nuts. But that’s not what I meant. You’ve been spending a lot of time and energy helping Michael and Amara mend their relationship, and helping Mike adjust. You’re a good friend, Max. I thought I’d ask how you’re doing, you know.’ He runs his hand through his hair. ‘You take care of others. I wanted to make sure you were ok.’

Maxwell sits up and closes his book. ‘Drake Reginald Walker—‘

‘Not my middle name,’ Drake interrupts.

Maxwell waves him off. ‘Your middle name will be the name I give you, my friend. Drake Reginald Walker, are you —gasp!— worried about my well-being?’

Drake laughs at Max’s theatrics. ‘Yeah, maybe, if you insist on putting it this way. You’ve been incredible with Amara. And with Michael. I wanna make sure someone’s taking care of you, too.’

Drake detects a hint of a blush on Max’s face, but doesn’t pry. Maxwell pauses and responds, ‘Thank you, friend, this means a lot. Well yeah, I’m having a good time, enjoying everyone’s company.’

‘You just came out to court. It would probably be normal if you had some, I don’t know, insecurities or whatever,’ Drake continues.

Maxwell looks in the distance before responding. ‘I really appreciate you checking in with me. You’re right, I need to take a minute once in a while to make sure I’m doing ok. So far, so good. I’m surrounded with so many amazing people, I know I’ll be ok.’

Drake smiles. ‘Do you want to join me and Mike on our tour? It’s your duchy, after all.’

Maxwell shakes his head. ‘No, no. Please enjoy your bonding moment with your future brother-in-law. I’ve spent a lot of time with him, and I can tell the two of you will get along great. He’s just like you, no-bullshit, straight-to-the point and all of that. You’ll have a great time.’

Drake smiles mischievously. ‘Been enjoying his company, Maxxie?’

Max snorts. ‘I don’t know what this is supposed to mean, but let me answer that honestly. Yes. He’s a great guy, and he deserves to have people around him, helping him grieve and take back his life.’

Drake throws his hands up in defeat. ‘True. Can’t argue with that.’ He looks to the house. ‘Oh, here they come.’

Drake’s heart tugs when he sees Amara. As usual. She’s coming out of the house, laughing with Michael. She is wearing denim shorts and a white T-shirt, simple as can be, but on her, everything is fucking enchanting. God, he loves her.

‘Hey babes,’ Amara yells out to Drake, Max, and Hana, who waves from the pool. ‘How is it going?’

Drake holds out his hands, and Amara goes right to him to sit on his lap. Drake knows they must look cheesy and cutesy from the outside, but he doesn’t give a fuck. ‘How was the call with your family?’

Amara kisses his forehead. ‘Oh, you wouldn’t believe how chatty Callie is, right Michael? The girl cannot be stopped, I love it.’

Michael chuckles. ‘Yeah, she was so excited to see me AND Auntie Amara together, she proceeded to show off every single one of her stuffed animals, and to introduce them, first and last names included. Took a while.’

They chat about the Suarezes for a while, Amara telling stories about her dad and technology.

Michael looks at Drake and asks, ‘You wanna go? I can’t wait to see more beautiful landscapes.’

Drake nods and kisses Amara deeply. ‘See you later, babe. Max, be good, and don’t buy another actor from the Hangover franchise. I can’t handle a cow named Ed Helms.’

Max gasps. ‘OMG. That is a genius idea, Drake, thank you.’ He mutters to Amara. ‘OR we could buy an angora rabbit and name him Zach Galifianakis. What do you think?’

Amara nods. ‘Yes. But think about poor Justin Bartha. Abandoned on the roof, then no one thinks of naming an animal after him.’

Drake chuckles and gets up. ‘Alright. Let’s go, Mike. I’m very scared of what we’re gonna find when we get back.’

*****

‘See that building over there?’ Drake points as he slows down. ‘This is the oldest restaurant in Ramsford. Been there since the 15th century.’

‘Wow, that is impressive!’ Michael replies. ‘This old town is so gorgeous.’

Drake smiles. ‘Alright, ready to go off roading? We can drive from here to the beach, scenic route only.’

‘Sounds great!’ Michael pauses and takes in the scenery. ‘So, Drake...I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to ask you what your intentions are with Amara.’

Drake chuckles. ‘Go for it. I think I can handle it. Besides, I like a protective brother, I’m one myself.’ He stops himself and remembers that he only has to wait a couple more weeks until he sees his little sister.

‘Ok, here we go,’ Michael says as he pretends to hold an imaginary microphone. ‘Drake Walker, what are your intentions with my sister, Amara Elena Suarez?’ He passes the non-mike to Drake.

‘Well, Mr. Hansen-Suarez, I love your sister, and I firmly intend to keep loving her as long as she’ll let me.’

Michael smiles. ‘Good answer. Besides, I don’t think this sort of menacing older brother thing suits me. It was more Sergio’s speed.’ He chuckles. ‘No one would be threatened by me, I guess.’

‘Hey hey, don’t sell yourself short, Mike. I saw you last night, that douche got hit pretty hard in the face, so I would definitely be threatened by you.’

Michael laughs wholeheartedly. ‘Thanks, man. Well, there’s also the fact that I’m not actually concerned about your intentions. I don’t think my husband would have been either. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that you love her, I could tell right off the bat.’

Drake blushes. ‘Yeah, it caught me by surprise, but...I was all in, right away. I knew that it was a bad idea, well...I thought it was a bad idea. My best friend was —is— really into Amara, and at first I thought I’d stay away. But I couldn’t.’

‘Sash guy?’ Michael asks.

Drake chuckles. ‘Heh. Yeah, that’s the one. Sash guy, aka Liam.’

‘No, no,’ Michael says, ‘I mean was that sash guy on the side of the road? Like, right now?’

Drake frowns and brings the Jeep to a stop. He looks in his rearview mirror and sure enough, Liam is on the side of the road, jogging by himself. ‘What the fuck? He’s not supposed to be in Ramsford without security.’

Michael nods. ‘Should we…?’

‘Yeah. If you don’t mind, I think we should.’

Michael nods again, more emphatically. ‘Of course. And um, I know he doesn’t know. Don’t worry.’

Drake smiles and pats Michael’s back as he backs up his car until he reaches Liam.

‘Hey Li,’ he shouts out the window.

Liam, startled, takes out his earbuds and finally smiles. ‘Hey Drake, you scared me!’

‘That’s what happens when you run around without security, man. Hop in, we were about to go grab coffee somewhere.’

Liam hesitates for a moment and nods. Drake presses the button to open the doors and he gets in the back seat.

*****

Ran into sash guy. Going to coffee with him now. Whaaaaat

Amara looks at her phone quizzically. Michael and Drake had been gone for a little while, during which she, Hana and Max had been puttering around in the pool and eating fruit. The life. When she stopped to think about it, she couldn’t really believe that this was the program for the day. Lounging, eating pineapple in a mansion with a beautiful view. Nice change from her Brooklyn dwellings and her shitty shifts.

‘I think Michael and Drake ran into Liam. Weird, huh?’

Maxwell shrugs. ‘Don’t worry. He was probably getting some air before having to go home to his ball and chain. Literally.’

Hana nods. ‘I know he was pretty shitty to a bunch of us in the recent past, but I do feel bad for the guy. First his dad is dying, then he’s stuck in this sham of an engagement with the most horrible person ever. I hope he can get out of it.’

Amara pauses. ‘I think his father is the one who really pushed him to choose her. I think those two events —his dad’s illness getting worse, and his engagement— are tied together. He wants to please the King, make him feel like he is leaving the country in good hands.’

Maxwell nods and pops a new piece of pineapple into his mouth. ‘I agree, Little Blossom. I worry about him, too, but at this point, there’s nothing more we can do before the Engagement Tour. Then, all of us can investigate and maybe catch Madeleine in a scheme, or something of the sort. I mean, we have a detective in our midst.’

‘Yes,’ Hana says emphatically, ‘we have a brilliant detective here, and, well, it’s too bad that our lawyer will be back in the States by the time we hop on that train on Friday…’ she makes eye contact with Amara in a smooth, sneaky way.

‘Right,’ Amara jumps on the occasion, ‘I’m gonna miss Michael. I can’t believe he’s already leaving in a couple of days.’

Maxwell looks at the bottom of his water glass, without a word. Hana looks at Amara again, this time seeming a bit more impatient. ‘Well,’ she continues, ‘maybe he could come back soon, right Amara? With Callie? We have all grown to like him a lot, and I’m sure you miss him so much.’

As much as she’s enjoying the theatrics, Amara feels the need to tone it down. This is getting a bit too orchestrated, even by Maxwell’s standards. ‘Definitely,’ she says. ‘I don’t know what the future holds, but if I stay in Cordonia —that’s assuming I stop being viewed as a whore by the whole community of course— I would love for my family to visit.’

Maxwell finally lifts up his eyes. They meet Hana’s. ‘Sweetie, you’re amazing at everything, but I think we just found your weak spot. It’s acting.’ He turns to Amara. ‘And you, please don’t say that people consider you a whore. Have you read the tabloids? No? Because I have. And sure, there’s some that publish the infamous Tariq picture, but most of them say it was photoshopped, and that you were too big a threat to the monarchy. The press still loves you. Many newspapers are speaking up against slut shaming, and in fact, I hope that Liam does hire a PR guy or gal for you, as he promised, because we can totally fucking spin this. Even if we don’t find stupid Tariq. Hell, if Liam doesn’t hire someone, I will. I can pull some strings.’

‘Wow, Max,’ Amara says, blown away by the monologue. ‘That was hot. Look!’ She holds out her arm. ‘I got chills!’

Max chuckles, ‘Oh, shut up. I love you, but shut up.’

‘No no, I’m serious. That was badass, and it actually made me feel better. I told myself I didn’t care what Cordonia thought about the Tariq shit, so I didn’t look online at all, but just knowing this is making me feel better. Thank you.’

He smiles. ‘You’re welcome. Bertrand and I were talking about it, and we think that maybe it’s time for you to talk to the press. They’ve been calling the duchy, but we respected your wishes not to talk about it. Maybe before we leave for Rome, we could pick a journalist and tell your side of the story?’

Amara smiles. ‘I’ll think about it.’

Hana, still silent up until now, takes advantage of a quiet moment to turn to Maxwell and ask, ‘What do you mean I can’t act?’

He bursts out laughing. ‘Oh honey. Maybe you can, on a stage, but in real life you are not smooth. ‘Oh I wish Michael stayed longer!’ ‘Oh we all love him, don’t we?’ Give me a break, I know what you’re all thinking.’

Hana pouts. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Maxxie. I’m sorry.’

‘No no, I’m not upset!’ He rubs her shoulder and smiles. ‘I’m not. I just—‘ he pauses and sighs. ‘I like being around him. A lot. Alright, you happy now?’

Amara smiles brightly. ‘Well, yeah, we definitely are.’

Hana’s smile is so wide that Amara is concerned she may dislocate her jaw. ‘I didn’t mean to pressure you into anything, Maxxie, but you gotta admit that you two would be so cute together!’

Maxwell rolls his eyes. ‘Fine, we’d be fucking adorable. We all know that.’ His face grows a tad somber. ‘But babe, and forgive me, Amara, for saying this and potentially ruining the day, but Michael is still grieving. In just a few days, I’ve grown fond of him, and if this were a regular situation, yeah, of course, I’d ask him out. But this is a very irregular situation. It’s delicate. I don’t want him to think that I’m going too fast, and I certainly don’t want to hurt his feelings in any way if he’s not ready to even go on a date with someone other than Sergio. I respect him —and you, Little Blossom, and your family and your pain— way too much to step into this unwelcomed.’

Amara realizes she’d been holding her breath. Hana holds out her hand for Max to take. He complies, and gives her a sweet kiss. Amara fights back tears. No, she won’t cry. Not now, not when she wants to show Maxwell that no, he’s not stepping into a bed of thorns. She takes a deep breath. ‘Shit, Max. Do you have any idea how much I want Michael to be happy? And do you have any idea how much I love you? How good a guy I think you are? If anyone is gonna be respectful and mindful of Michael’s history, I know it’s you.’ Welp, a tear escapes. She tried to hold it back, but oh well. She wipes it away. ‘That’s all,’ she chuckles. ‘I won’t overstep any more than that. You guys figure it out. And for the record, he may leave on Thursday, but he’s not dropping off the face of the Earth.’

Maxwell nods. ‘Understood.’ He takes Amara’s hand. ‘There,’ he says, ‘now I’m in a Hana/Amara sandwich. I love you guys.’

*****

‘Thanks, Drake,’ Liam says as he grabs the coffee his friend is handing him. ‘Sorry we couldn’t go in public.’

Michael waves him off. ‘This is a lot better, actually. Who wouldn’t want to have coffee on the beach?’

Liam smiles. ‘Thank you, Michael. I didn’t mean to crash your afternoon.’

Drake sits down in between the two men. ‘Don’t be stupid. Did you guys get a chance to chat while I was picking up the coffee?’

Liam nods. ‘Yes, we did. I apologized to Michael again for the ruckus at court. This is not a normal time, that’s for sure.’ He takes a sip and stares at the ocean.

Drake sighs. ‘Li, are you ok? You didn’t answer my texts.’

‘Sorry about that, too.’ He lets out a sad chuckle. ‘I’ve been shit at everything. That’s why I went for this run. I bet Bastien is looking for me everywhere as we speak, but I needed out.’

‘Liam, I know you barely know Michael,’ Drake continues, ‘but you can speak in front of him, right, Mike? He won’t care.’

Michael nods. ‘Of course. You’re going through a lot. You need to let it out.’

Liam smiles. ‘Well, I made my bed.’

Drake snorts. ‘Come on, Li. You deserve better. You didn’t ask for all this shit. We’ll find a way to get you out of this shitty engagement, I promise. If we can get some dirt on her, she’s done.’

‘You know why i ran away? I have a press conference with her tonight. The engagement conference. We’re supposed to gush over each other and talk about our hopes and dreams. Dreams of a future heir. Disclose the names of our wedding party. All wedding and marriage stuff. Nothing I want. I needed some air.’ He takes another sip, stares into the distance.

Drake puts his hand on his friend’s back. ‘Li, I’m sorry. We’ll get you out.’

Liam nods. Is he going to be able to tell him? It might be worth it to just say it out loud, even with a stranger here. ‘Drake, I don’t know if I can do this.’

Drake sighs. ‘I know it’s hard right now, especially since you’re alone at the palace with her and your dad and brother, but as soon as we’re all on the tour, I promise. It will get more manageable.’

Liam avoids Drake’s eyes. Maybe he can tell him. ‘I don’t feel good about this, Drake. I know it’s not comparable at all, I know this, but—‘ he interrupts himself. Should he say it in front of her brother-in-law? Fuck it. ‘I can’t stop thinking about what Amara went through. Tariq trying to assault her. She must have felt so fucking violated, and thankfully you were there. I can’t stop thinking about it these days. Partly because I feel responsible for her being in the spotlight, and partly because—‘ he pauses again. Can he say it without sounding like an asshole? What he’s going through is by his own volition, kind of, it has nothing to do with assault, and yet… He takes a breath. ‘Partly because I feel completely shitty about having to sleep with Madeleine.’

Drake tightens his grip on his back. Liam feels Drake’s eyes migrating to Michael’s. The two men share a stare. Is it a concerned stare? Is it one of disdain? Like oh, that spoiled mansplainy Liam, thinking his plight is the same as that of an assaulted woman? He hopes not.

Drake finally speaks. ‘Liam, I’m sorry to hear that. Please don’t be concerned about Amara, I know it was hard for her, but um, her friends and family are around her. As for you, well, I feel terrible about this. I’m so sorry that you had to go to those lengths. Please don’t let her take advantage of the situation again. You have the right to say no.’

Liam chuckles. It comes out a lot sadder than he intended. ‘I know. I just didn’t feel like dealing with the consequences of saying no. And for the record, I know that my situation isn’t the same as Amara’s. I know that. It just makes me feel even worse, because it’s already fucking terrible to force oneself to have sex with someone you don’t want. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to—well, to say the least, this whole situation is making me reconsider a lot of fucking things.’

Michael gets up from the sand, slowly and discreetly. He whispers, ‘I’m going to let you guys talk for a bit. I’m sorry, Liam, and I agree with Drake, I don’t know you, but you deserve better. Please take care.’

He walks away towards the other end of the beach, cell phone in hand, taking pictures.

Liam shakes his head. ‘See? I’m even making him run away.’

Drake chuckles. ‘No, that’s not it. He wanted to give us privacy. And probably to take pics for his daughter.’

Liam nods. ‘He seems like a good guy. He lost his fucking husband, and here I am complaining about not really wanting to fuck a Countess.’

‘Liam, there’s no competition in suffering. I wish I knew what to say or do to help—‘

‘You can’t help, not for now anyways,’ Liam interrupts. ‘But it does feel good to talk about it.’

*****

‘Hey guys!’ Drake yells out as he lets himself into the house. ‘We’re home, and we brought wine!’

‘Welcome back,’ Maxwell says cheerfully. ‘It’s just me and the girls, Liv went to her date with Rashad, and Bertrand has a dinner meeting at Castelsarreillan. How was the tour?’

Michael’s face lights up. ‘Oh, it was amazing, Max, your duchy is so beautiful. I loved the beach most of all.’

‘I’m so glad,’ Maxwell beams. ‘Come on in, guys, let’s get comfy.’

They walk into the living room, where Hana is reading a book, and Amara is on her iPad doing research. Drake sees on her screen that she’s still looking into Savannah’s location in Paris. His heart sinks. How did he luck out so much with this woman, who’s always in his corner?

‘Hey ladies,’ Drake says enthusiastically. ‘Mike and I have a proposition for you all.’

Amara raises an eyebrow. ‘Oh, do tell!’

Michael smiles brightly and looks at Drake. ‘You do the honors, you’re in charge!’

Drake nods excitedly. ‘Since Mike has never seen Portavira, we thought that we could all go to my cabin tomorrow morning and stay tomorrow night? He only has 3 nights left in this country, let’s make them count!’

Hana gasps. ‘OMG this is a great idea! I love your cabin so much.’

‘I’m SO in,’ Amara says as she closes her iPad into its keyboard. ‘I miss the tranquility of the cabin, let’s do it!’

Maxwell claps his hands in excitement. ‘Yass Kweens, let’s go bright and early tomorrow!’

‘And let’s pop this wine,’ Michael whispers to Drake. ‘We got it in an old wine store, it was so cute! I had to get two bottles for us.’

‘Aw, thanks Michael, you didn’t have to do that,’ Maxwell says as he claps a hand on his arm in gratitude. ‘Well, everyone get comfy around the table, and I’m gonna go get us some snacks.’

‘Oh, I’ll help,’ Michael follows suit.

Once the two disappear into the kitchen, Amara and Hana look at each other and put a hand to their chests. Drake smiles. ‘Alright ladies, could you be any more obvious?’ He plops down on the couch next to Amara and nuzzles in her hair. ‘Hey babe. Missed you.’

Amara kisses his nose and cups his face in her hand. ‘Me too. How was it?’

‘Good. It was fun to hang with Mike. But um, I think he told you, we bumped into Liam. He’s going through some serious shit.’

Amara makes a pained face. ‘Oh crap. How is he holding up?’

Drake shrugs. ‘Not great. I think it was good for him to talk, though.’

She nods. ‘Good. I’m glad.’

Hana sighs. ‘We were just talking about him today, right Amara? We all feel terrible about his situation, and maybe it will all get sorted out during the Tour, at least let’s hope so.’ She pauses and Drake and Amara nod in agreement. She turns her head to the kitchen and whispers, ‘What do you think they’re talking about in there?’

*****

‘Another martini?’

‘Are you trying to get me drunk?’ Liv asks sharply.

Rashad laughs earnestly. ‘No. You can drink me under the table.’

‘You got that right.’

He chuckles. ‘I hope you like boeuf bourguignon. I got takeout from this French restaurant. I know you like red wine so I figured you’d like that.’

Olivia forces herself not to smile. ‘Oh so, no cooking?’

Rashad gestures to the apartment around him. ‘This is an Airbnb. I don’t know where the pans are.’ He takes a sip of his martini. ‘Or how to cook.’

Liv can’t help but smile, ever so slightly. Rashad travels a lot around Cordonia for work, and stays at Airbnbs and hotels most of the time, since he rarely stays in his own duchy. No wonder the man lives off takeout. No servants in his life, and certainly no cooking.

Olivia likes that. The life of a loner. Depending on no one. Kinda hot.

‘I like boeuf bourguignon. You win this round.’

His face lights up. ‘Good. Not that I was nervous or anything. You know me. Cool as fuck.’

She gives him a half smile as she sips on her second martini. ‘Is the bourguignon ready now?’ She asks.

‘Not yet,’ he answers. ‘Needs to be in the oven for a while.’ He takes a sip as well. ‘Why, you hungry now?’

She gets up from her chair. ‘Nope,’ she says, as she straddles him and kisses him deeply.

*****

Taglist:

@drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @andy-loves-corgis , @jovialyouthmusic , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs , @drakewalkerisreal , @nikkis1983 , @simsvetements , @alesana45 @iplaydrake @emceesynonymroll @lily1999love @drakelover78 , @silviasutton1989 @dcbbw @texaskitten30 @furiousherringoperatortoad @hollygirl1269 @sirbeepsalot @ladyangel70 @thisperfectmemory @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @mrsmairstanley @addictedtodrakefanfic @msjpuddleduck @kimmiedoo5 @furryperfectionlover

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#that's not why i'm staying #dramara #drake x amara #drake walker x amara suarez #amara suarez #drake walker #the royal romance fanfic #drake walker x mc #trr fanfic #trr drake #drake x mc #drake walker trr

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so-langdon · 6 years ago

Text

Innocence Meets Corruption - Michael Langdon x Fem! Reader (Part 3)

Summary: After Y/N can’t find sleep, she goes to see Michael, progressing further into their relationship and feelings for one another -- and figuring out what to do after Venable catches them.

Warnings: Third person POV, sexual situations, slightly fluffy! Michael, minor abuse (slapping), some swearing

After the day Y/N has had with Michael’s jealousy and the continuation of confusion over her feelings for him, she finds herself struggling to get to sleep. She’d been in bed already a few hours, trying to fall asleep, but her heart wouldn’t quit racing with thoughts of Michael. Her mind seemed to be overflowing, constantly and consistently thinking of Michael and the way she feels for him.

The way he behaved earlier didn’t take well with her. She didn’t need to be dealing with such a possessive asshole who was threatened by her friends. Friends who obviously had no romantic interest in her any way. Even if Timothy had feelings for her, she didn’t have feelings for him back. She obviously had some sort of feelings growing for Michael considering what she allowed him to do to her. Yes she hadn’t had any experience prior with guys because of how shy and insecure she felt with herself. But it was also due to her having no interest in anyone either. No one really had ever caught her attention, except for Michael.

Clearly Michael seemed to know all this with how well he could sense and see into the “dark parts” of her soul. So why did he care so much if she joked around with Timothy? Was Michael just territorial over the fact that he was the only one who had messed around with her, did he actually have feelings for her, or was it something else?

Those questions, along with plenty of others coursed through her body for endless hours it seemed. Tossing and turning back and forth, feeling restless and never comfortable. She couldn’t take it anymore and sat up. Getting out of bed, she walked around, thinking if she should go to the library and read a book, risk being caught from just walking around outside in the Outpost, or stay in her room. All she knew was she couldn’t sleep and she didn’t want to get back into bed.

The reason she’s wide awake is due to Michael clearly, so she figures maybe seeing him will put her mind at ease. Or she hopes. Or maybe she’s just using it as an excuse to see him again. Grabbing her lavender silk robe from her closet, she pulls it on, tying it up and leaves her room.

She walks through the halls quietly, trying not to make a noise, trying not to be noticed or caught by anyone. The last thing she needed was getting seen by Venable or Mead and then punished who knows how. She’s not stupid, she knows how irrational they are and that if she’s caught, she’ll be taking some serious pain. But she sneaks off to Michael’s room anyway.

Once reaching Michael’s door, she looks around one final time, making sure she doesn’t see anyone. When it looks clear to her, she raises her hand into a fist, about to knock on his door. But she hesitates, second-guessing if she should be seeing him. What if he got the wrong idea, ratted her out to Venable and Mead, or worse: rejected her.

But the door suddenly opens, revealing Michael in his black Victorian-like clothes, hair still in perfect condition since day one it seems, blue eyes gazing intently on hers. She steps back a bit, startled by the sudden appearance, dropping her hand.

“To what do I owe this pleasure,” Michael asks, voice soft, but elusive. “Um,” she pauses, trying to think of an excuse. “I needed to talk to you about a certain matter,” she mocks like how he said to her the other night when coming to her room. Michael tilts his head a bit, but steps aside, letting her into his room. Shutting the door behind her, he walks back over to his desk where his laptop is open. He shuts it, turning back to her. “What did you need to discuss at such an early manner?” Ignoring his question, Y/N narrows her eyes when noticing his computer, “Are you working? Have you not slept at all yet?” “I’ve had important business matters to attend to,” Michael explains. “I need a few things to get done first.” “Oh,” she mumbles, feeling bad for interrupting. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll talk to you later then,” she says as she turns. “Wait,” he calls gently, but still with an urgency to it. He internally scolds himself for the call out but lets it go. Though he’s working, it’s nothing he can’t put a pause on for Y/N, beginning to embrace that she’s a top priority for him now. Turning back to him, she looks at him, raising her eyes. “What is it that.. you needed,” he asks, not wanting her to leave, but still not wanting to show that vulnerability to him yet either. Y/N shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep,” she admits. “Suddenly I found myself at your door. Sorry.” “There’s no need to be sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong.” He glances at his bed and then back at her. She might have found her way here to his door to talk to him, but he can sense in her that she’s tired. “I’m not going to bed for awhile longer. But you can stay, if you’d like. You can make yourself comfortable,” he offers, gesturing to his bed.

Y/N glances at his bed, then to Michael as he turns and steps back to his desk, sitting down to work back on his laptop.

After a pause, she steps quietly over to his bed, sitting down on the right side that’s closest to him. Pulling her legs under the covers and blankets up to her chest, she lays back and snuggles into the covers, the smell of Michael’s cologne lingering on the sheets.

She looks over at Michael while laying on her side after getting comfortable, watching his perfect form sit at the desk while he types, clicks around and does whatever he is doing on his laptop. The silence otherwise in the room is comfortable, hearing Michael’s deep breaths every once in awhile. It soothes her.

Her eyes begin to close after a few minutes, fluttering softly as her mind settles down in the comfort of Michael’s room, with him. She falls asleep just another few moments later, her body relaxing into the bed, mind drifting off with ease.

After it’s been too quiet for awhile, Michael looks over, noticing she’s asleep, her eyes fluttered closed. He gets up, stepping over quietly, seeing how impossibly more innocent and beautiful she looks while asleep. No fears, no worries or blushing to coat her face, sleeping soundly, looking totally content in his bed. Michael can’t resist getting close to her, so he decides to shut his laptop down and proceeds to undress. He dresses down until he’s only in his black boxer briefs and walks to the other side of the bed that’s closest to the door. Pulling back the covers on that side, he slides into bed, the blankets covering him to his lower waist.

He lays back against his pillows, still looking down at Y/N who turns over onto her other side, facing him now as she sleeps. He tries to determine what the feelings inside of him are. Why he’s never felt the way he’s feeling right now before. Being rejected, used and abandoned so many times prior in his life, he was sure he’d never give in to any feelings he’d get in the future. Yet, now he seems to be succumbing to these emotions for this one girl, and after such a short amount of time.

He lays his head back, breathing out and telling himself to just stick to the plan: The poison apples, Mead, his world desolation. But he never expected for this girl to get in the way and to disrupt his path. Looking down at her, he studies her carefully, trying to figure out why she’s different, what he’s going to do about it all. Part of him wants to resent her for getting in the way. But he can’t bring himself to have any feelings about her that are negative.

Y/N unconsciously scoots over a bit, snuggling into Michael and resting her head against his shoulder. Michael a bit hesitant from the unintentional affection, lifts his arm, wrapping it around Y/N’s shoulders and upper waist, pulling her closer into him and her head adjusting to rest over his chest, where his heart beats.

She continues to sleep soundlessly, still looking content and effortlessly beautiful against him.

Still wandering about these thoughts and feelings, Michael’s eyes begin to feel heavy too. Letting his head lean and rest against Y/N’s, his eyes flutter close, falling into a comfortable, content sleep with her.

~~~

In the morning, when Y/N wakes up, she stretches her body out, pressing against Michael’s body. Not even noticing her movements at first, it all feeling normal and natural, she only snuggles up more to him. But as she comes more awake, her eyes pop open and she pushes herself to sit up, looking down at Michael who looks over at her with a grin.

“Good morning to you, too,” Michael lolls. Y/N looks down at the two of them in bed under the covers. Looking back at Michael, she says, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep here last night. Sorry.” Michael raises his eyes. “I wouldn’t have let you stay if it were a problem. There’s no need to apologize.” Y/N just looks away shyly. “Also, you’re cute when you sleep,” Michael adds. Y/N narrows her eyes, looking back at him, giving a confused look. “Did.. Did you just call me ‘cute?’ I didn’t think that word was apart of your vocabulary.” He half shrugs and sits up too, stretching his arms and yawning for a moment.

Y/N leans back against his pillows, looking over his toned body. From his back, torso, arms. Even his hair, and his blue eyes sparkling in the dim candle light in the room as he looks over at her. He seems uniquely flawless while not even trying.

“Staring is rude,” Michael tells her as he lays back against his pillows again too. “I’m rude,” Y/N states. “You’re anything but,” he rolls his eyes. She purses her lips, looking even more cute than in general or when she was asleep. Michael grins over this, and finds himself wanting to lean over and kiss her. But he refrains. “What are you thinking about,” Y/N asks. Michael pauses a second, letting out a quiet deep breath. “An abundant of things.” “Like what?” She raises her eyes. Michael gives a look. “List a few,” she adds. He turns onto his side facing her a bit. “Well, the way you slept. How you came in here last night. Yesterday in the library and your smart ass mouth,” his eyes trial over her face, and then down her body. “The night before,” his eyes trail back up, “and how good it felt to touch you,” he admits alluringly. Y/N blushes a bit over his mouths, especially the last part. “There seems to be a common pattern going on there,” she mentions, trying to ignore the heat in her face. “So it seems,” Michael concurs, smirking a bit and reaches over to her, pulling her closer to his body, holding her against him. Y/N looks up at him shyly, seeming to melt from the way he feels against her, the way he looks at her. “You’re really confusing, you know. Michael doesn’t say anything as he continues to look at her with an unreadable expression. Y/N continues to melt from his hold around her, liking how she feels in his arms, against him, and the way she can feel him. Looking down, she bites her lip. Looking back at Michael, she whispers, “Should I... do something,” and begins to reach her hand down, brushing against his lower abdomen, fingers barely caressing over his hardness. Michael grabs her wrist, pulling her hand away and looking at her. “No,” he states, causing her cheeks to burn from his apparent rejection. “Only if you want to,” he adds. He lets go of her hand. “You never have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Y/N looking into his eyes, seeing a tenderness to them, a type of yearning that’s benevolent, says, “What if.. I want to?”

Michael holds back a smirk, knowing he’s corrupting her more by the day and leans over, grabbing her face and kisses her. Her hand covers Michael’s on her cheek, kissing him back. As the same fire that they’ve always felt from before begins to burn more, Y/N removes her hand from Michael’s, slowly lowering it down against his body.

Sensing the apprehension in her, his hand moves to cover hers and guides her hand down his body until reaching his hard length. Y/N’s petite fingers press against him, gripping him gently against the fabric, causing Michael’s breath to hitch when he pulls away from kissing Y/N.

Leaning in again, he kisses her harder this time, deeper, rutting himself against her hand as her touch teases him in an agonizingly pleasurable way, letting her take her time to gain confidence in her actions.

Just before she starts to run her hand against him again and to move inside of his briefs, there’s a knock at the door.

The two stop kissing, Michael almost hissing as they both look over at the door and Y/N removes her hand from him.

“Mr. Langdon, there is to be an announcement for everyone here at the Outpost. Including you. Please report in ten minutes,” Mead’s voice rings clearly before her footsteps are heard walking away.

Michael rolling his eyes, sits up, uncovering himself and gets out of bed. He walks over to his closet, picking out clothes and begins to dress himself. Y/N diverts her eyes away, trying not to look over at Michael’s bare form. She gets out of bed also, and avoids eye contact with Michael as he continues to dress, including glancing at his lower region and the rest of his exposed body.

“I should probably get back to my room and change too. I wouldn't want to get caught,” Y/N states as she passes Michael to his door.

Michael dressed in signature black from head to toe except his jacket yet, looks over at her. Stepping over and grabbing her hand, he stops her at the door as she looks at him. Raising her eyes as she looks at him, Michael lets go of her hand. He hesitates a moment before speaking. “You’re right. I’ll see you later on then.” He didn’t want her to leave, didn’t want her to ever leave his side for any reason. But he knew better and knew he had some things to take care of before the announcement, knowing just what it is going to be.

Y/N nods, and leaves quickly out the door to get back to her room. She heads off, looking around carefully as she walks back. As she walks, she thinks about the last few moments alone with Michael, feeling her obvious attraction to him growing more.

She’s so lost in thought, she doesn’t realize who’s waiting outside her door until she’s a few steps away. Her face falls and halts when Venable and Mead stand there, blocking her path.

“Miss L/N,” Venable speaks. “We were just.. looking for you,” she grits. “Really? Why me?” She asks shyly. “You missed breakfast,” Mead points out. “We ask you to be present at each meal. It’s quite simple to follow,” Venable says, her hands tightening around the hold she has on her cane in front of her. “I'm sorry, I just, I wasn’t hungry,” Y/N lies. Venable steps closer to Y/N, “Where have you been?” “Um, the library. I was reading,” she says nonchalantly. “You weren’t there when we searched for you,” Mead says. Y/N stays quiet, eyes diverting away, trying to think of another excuse. Her heart begins to pound, but in an entirely different way compared to when she’s with Michael. “We checked on you last night, as we do with the members every now and again. Your bed seemed to not be slept in. And you are coming from the direction’s of Mr. Langdon’s room,” Venable states. “What are you implying,” Y/N narrows her eyes. “You’ve been with Michael,” Venable looks her up and down with disgust. "I.. I wasn’t. Not exactly. I mean, I was in the I--” Venable slaps Y/N across the face, making Y/N gasp and grab her cheek as she looks at Venable with wide eyes, the sting of the slap bringing tears to her eyes. ”Do not lie to me,” Venable hisses. “We know you were with him. You haven’t been in your room all night, missed breakfast, wearing your nightwear and robe,” Venable grits. “We know about what goes on around here. Do you think you can sleep your way to the sanctuary?” Y/N drops her hand. “I’d like to go to my room now. I won’t miss a meal again,” she says monotone. “No, you won’t,” Venable states. “You will instead be punis–” “What’s going on here,” Michael asks casually curiously, suddenly appearing from around the corner and standing beside Y/N in a smooth fashion. Mead glances at Venable. “Mr. Langdon,” Venable points. “I was reminding Miss L/N of the protocol we have here in Outpost 3. We have very strict rules, and she has brok–” “Rules?” Michael questions. “You mean, the rules you created and enforced yourself,” Michael smiles wickedly. Venable stays quiet. She looks at Y/N. Y/N narrows her eyes confused, looking at Venable with confusion. Venable looks back at Michael, who stares intently at her. “Rules I told you I was informed of in my directions from the cooperative,” Venable explains. “Mm, yes,” Michael hums. “The directions that you had to destroy after reading.” “The rules you were not apart of when being constructed, as stated prior, yes.” Michael, crossing his hands behind his back, steps over to Venable, invading her personal space. Looking her up and down, he speaks, “Miss L/N is exempt from all rules, punishment and protocol.” Mead raises her eyes. “Wh-What?” Venable stares shocked, trying to lean back for some space. “She can not–” “Oh she can be,” Michael states. “And she is. You are to leave her unbothered for the remaining time she is here.” “’Remaining time’? Does this mean she’s going to the sanctuary?” Venable questions. “It’s none of your concern,” Michael says coolly. “She is no longer your business or under your power and control.” “I – I,” Venable stunned, and left speechless. Michael steps back, standing by Y/N again. “And if you ever lay your hands on her again,” Michael glares. Venable narrows her eyes. “Well..” Michael trails off, a silent and malicious punishment implied, sending a shiver through Venable noticeably. Venable looks at Y/N, and Y/N stands quietly, face impassive but slight confusion rests on her face too. Venable looks back at Michael, who slightly squints at her as if saying, “You dare argue me?” Venable swallows, and says, “Ms. Mead,” after a moment. “Let us prepare for the announcement,” she says, staring at Michael harshly. Venable turns around slowly, using her cane to help her move as Mead turns and follows after her. They disappear down the hall, turning onto another hallway. Once gone, Y/N looks at Michael who turns his head to her. “Sorry I was a bit late,” Michael informs. “How could you have known,” she shrugs. “Thank you, though. Venable would have... killed me,” she widens her eyes, looking away. “No she wouldn’t have. I’ll never let anyone do anything to you.” Y/N looks at Michael, fighting a giddy smile from appearing on her lips. “Go get changed for the announcement,” Michael says, raising a hand to her face, letting his thumb brush gently where she was slapped on her cheek. His thumb caresses down and then over her lips softly. With a small smile, he drops his hand, turns and walks off, leaving Y/N with a fluttering heart.

#Michael Langdon #AHS #American Horror Story #Michael Langdon x reader #Michael Langdon x fem! reader #Michael Langdon x fem reader #Michael Langdon imagine #Michael Langdon oneshot #Michael Langdon one shot #Michael Langdon writing #Langdon imagine #Langdon oneshot #Langdon writing #outpost Michael #outpost! Michael

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seeaddywrite · 6 years ago

Note

malex + “Please, be gentle with me. I’ll break if you aren’t careful enough.” please! 💕

this one was really hard, because neither of our boys are generally the openly mushy type! but i tried – i hope you enjoy! :) & look, a rare sighting of Alex’s pov on this blog! also, this one is a companion fic to this one.

warnings for ptsd, panic attacks, self-hatred & an unreliable narrator.

The thing that no one tells a stupid kid about to enlist isn’t that going to war fucks you up — everyone knows that. It’s broadcast through the media, in television shows and romance novels, and hell, there are even commercials about vets with post-traumatic stress disorder. As a kid, Alex was privy to the more intimate details of what that looks like; he’s pretty sure Jesse Manes wasn’t born with a mindset that allowed breaking his own son’s bones. That, Alex figures, came from what he did to survive during his own tours of duty.

Alex doesn’t like to admit that he’s got anything in common with the psychopath who fathered him, but it’s hard to ignore, lately. As a kid, despite the constant fear that his own father was going to go too far and actually kill him one day, Alex was pretty optimistic. He had plans — leaving Roswell came first, followed by pursuing a music career in a real city, without the small minds that came from small town living. Later, it had been finding a gorgeous, guitar-playing guy to create a life with far, far away from his family and the insanity that seems to run rampant in their genes. Because young Alex wasn’t like his father, or his grandfather, or even his oldest brother. He was sane, and he wasn’t going to get sucked into the violence and rigidity of a military existence chasing aliens.

Military service changed all of that. Some of it for the better — Alex isn’t stupid enough to say that there was nothing good about his time in the Air Force. Enlisting showed him the aptitude he hadn’t known he had for computers, had introduced him to some of his closest friends, and given him the skills and courage he needed to realize that Jesse Manes wasn’t nearly as powerful as he liked his children to think. He’s proud of his service.

Unfortunately, pride isn’t enough to stop him from realizing that not all of his internal changes were positive ones. Some days, when he looks in the mirror, all he can see is the negative — how the circles beneath his eyes tell everyone of his newly complicated relationship with sleep, and how the crutch he leans on constantly denotes weakness to anyone who looks at him. But, more than the physical, Alex hates the emotional changes from who he used to be. Anxiety has become an inconstant companion, coming and going as it pleases and leaving him shaking and pale for no external reason. Even when he’s feeling stable, it’s so much harder to feel excited, or even content. Every happy moment is constantly overshadowed by the question of when it will end, and Alex loathes that more than anything.

Because while everything else has changed, his feelings for Michael Guerin are still as deep and passionate as ever, and Alex can’t enjoy it. He tries, God, he tries. But every time he thinks he can do it, when he’s confident in his own ability to be what Michael needs, something sparks that same anxiety that has sent him running a hundred times before. Michael kisses him at the reunion? Alex panics when Isobel Evans might find out. Michael takes him on an actual date, in public, and stares at him with obvious affection, uncaring of who can see — Alex lets his father get under his skin and hurts Michael enough that he can actually see the heartbreak in his eyes. One would think that after all that, Michael would punch Alex when he comes around, asking questions about his past and who he is, but the other man still lets him in … and, yet again, despite his intentions, Alex runs away as soon as he realizes there’s a chance that Michael might abandon him. It’s a miracle that Michael doesn’t seem to hate him even now; God knows that Alex hates himself.

It’s a cycle he can’t break, and Alex is resigned to the fact that he’s not meant to figure it out. He works alongside Michael and the others, helping them fight back against Project Shepherd and his father as his penance, trying to show Michael how much he means to him without trampling all over his heart, but some days, he aches with wanting the other man’s arms around him. On the hard days, when he hurts to much to wear his prosthetic and can’t leave his house, or when he’s curled on the bathroom floor, gasping through the aftermath of a nightmare and trying to ground himself with the stupid techniques his military-appointed shrink assigned him before deeming him fit for duty, Alex always has to resist calling Michael. He knows he would come. Of course he would. It’s like a law of the universe: whenever Alex needs him, Michael Guerin comes. So Alex can’t ask, can’t need him, because he’s got nothing to give back.

So the night that the guy Maria has nicknamed ‘Racist Hank’ punches a guy and sends him sprawling into Alex’s bad leg while he’s spending some time with the others outside of working and running for their lives, Alex sucks it up when the immediate throb in his residual limb sends him spiraling. Pain doesn’t always have this effect on him; Alex’s usually as calm and competent with pain management as he is with hacking. But every ache in that leg sends him straight back to Baghdad, to the crash and the adrenaline, to waking up in a German hospital to find himself missing a limb –

Alex cuts off that line of thinking quickly. It’s not quite a panic attack, not yet, though he knows that if he doesn’t get a handle on himself, it’ll become one. He’s gotten good at hiding his weaknesses behind a mask of competency and detachment, and it works that night, too. Liz glances at him once, from where she leans against Max’s arm, but she only flashes him a smile. Michael, though – Michael’s eyes, as always, track his every movement, and seem to know way too much. Alex does his best to ignore the fog creeping into his mind and the way his fingers shake when he releases the beer bottle in his hands. He keeps up with the conversation around the table for a few minutes, nodding when Isobel declares that they all need more drinks, and smiling woodenly when Max kisses Liz on the mouth – but soon, he can’t manage it. It takes all of his focus to stay seated, to keep his stomach from overturning. His leg aches, though Alex can’t be sure that it’s a physical pain, and he’s desperate to leave before his heart beats out of his chest and shows everyone what a coward he is.

Salvation comes in Michael’s quiet voice. “Hey, you good, man?”

Alex wants to answer. He simultaneously wants to insist that he’s fine and walk out of the bar under his own power and to burrow into Michael’s arms and hide there until he can breathe normally again. Fuck. He flinches at Michael’s calloused hand on his, and guilt at the way the other man yanks his hand back as if stung adds itself to the heap of negative emotion in his head.

Michael doesn’t say anything about that, though. Those uncannily perceptive eyes just watch him as Alex struggles to find his voice, to find any words to get him out of this situation –

And again, Michael saves him. “You want to get out of here?”

Alex’s answering nod is desperate, and he’s not sure he cares. His breath is starting to stutter, and it’s going to become impossible to maintain any sort of dignity if he starts hyperventilating in the middle of Maria’s bar. After all of his hard work to show his friends that he’s fine, that he came back from war with all of his faculties, and that they don’t need to worry about him, that would definitely be a blow to his pride. And at this point, Alex feels like pride is one of the few things he’s got left.

Michael turns around to talk to the others; Alex doesn’t know what he says, but when the other man turns around expectantly, he finds himself stuck in the chair. The low-level ache in his leg is still there, and he doesn’t want to stand – he’s not sure he could, even, without help. So, swallowing past the lump in his throat, he waves at his leg in vague explanation and asks hoarsely, “Think you could give me a hand?”

He’s expecting Michael to haul him out of the chair, and part of him is excited for the prospect – it gives him an excuse to let Michael hold him together, if only for the few minutes it takes to make it out the door. But instead, Michael just puts his hands out and waits.

It’s harder than he’d like to reach out and take the offer. It’s stupid, since Alex is the one who asked for help, but this – this feels like he’s asking for too much, admitting to weakness. But Alex reaches out anyway, because he can’t fall apart in the middle of the Pony, and he trusts Michael.

They make it out the door pretty quickly after Alex throws a half-hearted wave at the rest of their friends, and he all but falls into Michael’s chest when they’re alone on the dark street. Alex presses his face into Michael’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent of sweat and motor oil and laundry detergent like it’s smelling salts or something. It works – or maybe it’s just the warmth of Michael’s body, and the sturdiness of his muscles, holding Alex up while he can’t quite manage it alone.

“Hey,” Michael’s voice is low, and Alex can feel it rumble through his chest. “You okay?”

Alex chuckles, and knows the sound isn’t a happy one. “You already know the answer to that.” His voice sounds raspy, like he’s been screaming – and Alex supposes he has, though the noise has all been internal.

“You checked out on us during that fight. You faked it pretty well for a while, but I – I could tell something was wrong.” Of course he could. Michael’s always been able to read Alex so, so well. “You want me to take you home? Maria won’t let anyone tow your SUV.” The offer sounds so good that Alex’s exhales in relief, his pounding heart easing slightly at just the thought of being in a safe, isolated place with Michael.

“I can –” But Michael doesn’t let him finish, and the accusation that Alex is trying to push him away again, to insist that he’s fine when it’s blatantly obvious that he’s falling apart at the seams, stings. He goes rigid as his lungs stop cooperating, and he yanks himself out of Michael’s embrace, nearly tumbling down to the sidewalk when his weight is put back on the prosthetic. He catches his balance, though, and looks at Michael even when he’d rather avert his gaze.

“I was just going to say that I can send her a text tomorrow and ask her to have someone drive it to the cabin,” he tells Michael in a soft voice. “I’d appreciate the ride. If you don’t mind.” It sounds like every too-polite interaction they’ve had over the last few months, since Alex insisted they be friends, and maybe that’s what Michael wants. The way he stomps over to the driver’s seat of the truck doesn’t really seem to support that theory, but Alex ignores it and clambers into the other seat, biting down hard on his cheek when he’s forced to use the prosthetic to push himself into the cab.

Once inside, Alex sits with his hands clenched on his thighs to keep himself from reaching out to Michael as a way to anchor himself. His breath is once again coming too quickly, and he has to keep his mouth shut, because he’s not sure what embarrassing things would fall out of it, otherwise. But Michael isn’t content with the silence, and Alex ends up telling him what happened at the bar, about the panic that creeps up on him sometimes for no real reason. He expects to be swamped with embarrassment, but Michael’s calm assertion that panic doesn’t always need a reason keeps the mortification at bay.

“Anything I can do to help?”

The casual question, the offer insinuated within it so easily, makes Alex’s eyes sting. There are a thousand things he could say, each of them dismissive and right, because he has no business dragging Michael into the shitshow that is his life right now, not again. But he can’t stop himself from grabbing at Michael’s hands as soon as the engine turns off in front of the cabin, even when he realizes that the strength of his grip is probably hurting him. He stares intently into Guerin’s eyes, letting him see pat the walls and the facade and into the swirling anxiety and desperation that’s doubling as his mind.

But letting him in isn’t enough. Michael wants the words, and Alex doesn’t know if he can give him that. “Don’t make me ask,” he begs in a whisper. Don’t make me admit it. Just - please be gentle with me. I’ll break if you’re not careful enough, and if you put me back together, I’ll never be able to let you leave.

Alex doesn’t know if Michael’s being stubborn, or if he’s finally hit the point of no return with the man – maybe this is when he’s going to get shoved out of Michael’s life, instead of the other way around. He’d deserve it, he knows he would. But he says the words anyway, when pushed, spilling all of his anxieties and unwanted desires when Michael points out that he’s not a mind-reader. His hands shake harder than ever as he speaks, but there are strong fingers supporting them, clasping them against Michael’s chest and holding him steady, so Alex gets through it.

When Michael whispers against his hair that he’ll stay, that Alex is okay, the latter gives up and weeps openly into the strong shoulder beneath him. The embrace is exactly what he needs in that moment, strong and gentle, warm and soft, with Michael’s ridiculous curls tickling his damp cheeks. Alex isn’t ashamed to admit that he clings, his fingers scrabbling against the collar of Michael’s button-down shirt to get at skin.

“Easy,” Michael murmurs again, and there’s a hand against his back, rough fingers stroking along Alex’s spine. “I’ve got you.” It’s impossible to disbelieve him like this, with their chests pressed together to tightly that Alex can feel Michael’s heartbeat against his own. He nods jerkily, his own hands finally giving up on the buttons and sliding down Michael’s sides to delve under the fabric and press against the flat, strong planes of his stomach. While normally he’d be appreciating the other man’s physique, this time, it’s all about the warmth and comfort another man’s skin against his brings.

“You ready to go inside?” Michael asks, an indeterminable amount of time later. Alex’s breathing has returned to normal, and his hands no longer shake – and, most importantly, he can think straight again.

He nods once, starting to disentangle himself from Michael. The look in the other man’s eyes makes him pause, though, and Alex raises an eyebrow. “You said you’d stay,” he says plaintively, when it’s clear that Michael’s questioning his welcome in Alex’s home. “I’m hoping you meant longer than half an hour. Especially since I spent most of that time ruining your shirt.” Alex jerks his chin at the wet patch on the shoulder of Michael’s flannel, his ears feeling hot with shame.

“That what you want?” Michael asks, and there’s a wariness in his voice that makes Alex furious with himself all over again. If he hadn’t left before, over and over again, Michael wouldn’t need to ask that question. He would trust Alex the first time – but that’s Alex’s cross to bear.

“You’re what I want,” Alex says firmly, catching Michael’s good hand in his again. He’s learned his lesson tonight about verbalizing what he wants, and while he fully anticipates forgetting it the next day for his dignity’s sake, tonight, he’s willing to keep talking if it proves to Michael that he’s serious. “I want you to stay with me tonight. In my bed. And tomorrow, too, if you want – you might change your mind, because I don’t sleep worth a damn much, anymore – but yeah, Michael. That’s what I want.” He catches his lower lip between his teeth, chewing at it uncertainly before adding, “Please?”

Michael leans back and unlocks the truck’s doors, then disappears outside for a long minute. Alex’s heart begins to pound as he realizes that he might have just been rejected – but before he can figure it out, Michael’s back, on his side of the vehicle this time, and opens the door. “I’m thinking pancakes for breakfast,” he says, once both of Alex’s feet are on the ground, and he staring up at Michael, hopeful and confused all at once. “C’mon, Alex,” he finishes, shaking his head. “Don’t look at me like that, like you don’t already know the answer. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me to stay for ten years – you can’t really think I’d say ‘no,’ now.”

Alex’s eyelids fall closed for a moment in pure, unadulterated relief, and once again, he tucks himself into Michael’s arms, trusting that he’d hold him upright. Because, there it was in action, the single law of their universe: whenever Alex needs him, Michael Guerin is always there.

#my fic #malex fic #michael guerin/alex manes #this is very alex introspection-y #and got a bit lengthier than intended #whoops

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scifrey · 5 years ago

Video

youtube

In February of 2017 I had the great pleasure of addressing the Grant MacEwan University English Department with a keynote speech titled “Your Voice is Valid.”

This speech was all about Mary Sues, fandom, and marginalized voices, and is a direct response to the negative reactions that media texts receive when they announce a protagonist that is deemed to be a "Mary Sue".

In the intervening years I think the message of my talk has become even more vital to creators, so I thought I’d record a new video of the speech to share with a wider audience.

If you liked this video, you can find more of my writing advice on my website.

Read the full speech on Wattpad, or below:

(Text may not match the video exactly as I did alter some of the phrasing.)

My friends, I have a declaration to make. A promise. A vow, if you will. And it is this:

If I hear one more basement-dwelling troll call the lead female protagonist of a genre film a ‘Mary Sue’ one more time, I’m going to scream.

I’m sure you’ve all seen this all before. A major science fiction, fantasy, video game, novel, or comic franchise or publisher announces a new title. Said new title features a lead protagonist who is female, or a person of color, or is not able-bodied, or is non-neurotypical, or is LGBTQA+.

It might be the new Iron Man or Spider-man, who are both young black teenagers in the comics now, or the Lt. Michael Burnham of Star Trek: Discovery, or the new Ms. Marvel, a Muslim girl. It could be Jyn Erso, the female lead of the latest Star Wars film or Chirrut, her blind companion. It could be the deaf FBI Director Gordon Cole from Twin Peaks or Clint Barton from Fraction and Aja’s Hawkeye graphic novel series. It could be Sara, of Dragon Age fame or Samantha Traynor from Mass Effect, both lesbians, or Dorian also from Dragon Age, who is both a person of color and flamboyantly queer. Maybe it’s Lt. Stamets and Dr. Hugh Culber, played by Anthony Rapp of (best known for his time as Mark in Rent) and Wilson Cruz, both open out gay men playing openly out gay men in a romantic relationship in Star Trek Discovery. It could be Captain Christopher Pike, from both the original Star Trek series and the reboot film, who uses a wheelchair and assistive devices to communicate. Or maybe it’s Bucky Barnes, aka the Winter Soldier, fights with a prosthetic arm in the comics, or Iron Man, whose suit serves as Tony Stark’s ego-tastic pacemaker.

And generally, the audience cheers at this announcement. Yay for diversity! Yay for representation! Yay for working to make the worlds we consume look more like the world we live in! Yay!

But there’s a certain segment of the fan population that does not celebrate.

I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.

This certain brand of fan-person gets all up in arms on social media. They whine. They complain. They say that it’s not appropriate to change the gender, race, orientation, or physical abilities of a fictional creation, or just protest their inclusion to begin with. They decry the erosion of creativity in service of neo-liberalism, overreaching political-correctness, and femi-nazis. (Sorry, sorry – the femi-“alt-right”).

It’s not realistic. “Women can’t survive in space,” they say, “It’s just a fact.” (That is a direct quote, by the way.) “Superheroes can’t be black,” they say. “Video game characters shouldn’t have a sexual orientation,” unless – it seems - that sexual orientation is straight and the game serves to support a male gaze ogling at half-dressed pixilated prostitutes.

“And strong female characters have to wear boob armor. It’s just natural,” they say.

These fan persons predict the end of civilization because things are no longer being done the way they’ve always been done. “There’s nothing wrong with the system,” they say. “So don’t you dare change it.”

And to enforce this opinion, to ensure that it’s really, really clear just how much contempt this certain segment of the fan population holds for any lead protagonist that isn’t a white, heterosexual, able-bodied, neurotypical, cismale, they do everything they can to tear down them down.

They do this by calling that character a ‘Mary Sue.’

When fan fiction author Paula Smith first used the term ‘Mary Sue’ in her 1973 story A Trekkie’s Tale, she was making a commentary on the frequent appearance of original characters in Star Trek fan fiction. Now, I’m going to hazard that most of these characters existed as a masturbatory avatar – wanna bone Spock? (And, um, you know, let’s face it who didn’t?) They you write a story where a character representing you gets to bone Spock.

And if they weren’t a sexual fantasy, then they were an adventure fantasy. Wanna be an officer on the Enterprise? Well, it’s the flagship of the Starfleet, so you better be good enough to get there. Chekov was the youngest navigator in Starfleet history, Uhura is the most tonally sensitive officer in linguistics, and Jim Kirk’s genius burned like a magnesium flare – your self-representative character would have to keep up to earn thier place on that bridge. This led to a slew of hyper sexualized, physically idealized, and unrealistically competent author-based characters populating the fan fiction of the time.

But inserting a trumped-up version of yourself into a narrative wasn’t invented in the 1970s. Aeneas was totally Virgil’s Mary Sue in his Iliad knock off. Dante was such a fanboy of the The Bible that he wrote himself into an adventure exploring it. Robin Hood’s merry men and King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table kept growing in number and characteristics with each retelling. Even painters have inserted themselves into commissioned pictures for centuries.

This isn’t new. This is not a recent human impulse.

But what Paula Smith and the Mary Sue-writing fan ficcers didn’t know at the time was that they were crystallizing what it means to be an engaged consumer of media texts, instead of just a passive one. They had isolated and labelled what it means to be so affected by a story, to love it so much that this same love bubbles up out of you and you have to do something about it, either in play, or in art. For example: in pretending to be a ninja turtle on the play ground, or in trying to recreate the perfect version of a star fleet uniform to wear, or in creating art and making comics depicting your favorite moments or further adventures of the characters you love, or writing stories that encompass missing moments from the narratives.

‘Mary Sues’ are, at their center, a celebration of putting oneself and one’s own heart, and one’s own enjoyment of a media text, first.

Before I talk about why this certain segment of the fan population deploys the term ‘Mary Sue’ the way it does, let’s take a closer look at this impulse for participatory play.

Here’s the sixty four thousand dollar question: where do ‘Mary Sues’ come from?

I’d like you take a moment to think back at the sorts of games you enjoyed when you were about seven years old. Think back. Picture yourself outside, playing with your siblings, or the neighbour’s kids or you cousins. What are you doing? Playing ball games, chase games, and probably something with a narrative? Are you Power Rangers? Are you flying to Neverland with Peter Pan? Are you fighting Dementors and Death Eaters at Hogwarts? Are you the newest members of One Direction, are you Jem and the Holograms or the Misfits? Are you running around collecting Pokémon back before running around and collecting Pokémon IRL was a thing?

That, guys, gals and non-binary pals, is where Mary Sues come from. That’s it. It’s as easy as that.

As a child you didn’t know that modern literary tradition pooh-poohs self-analogous characters, or that realism was required for depth of character. All you knew was that you wanted to be a part of that story, right.  If you wanted to be a train with Thomas and Friends, then you were a train. If you wanted to be a magic pony from Equestria, you were a pony. Or, you know, if you were trying to appease two friends at once, then you were a pony-train.

Self-insert in childhood games teach kids the concept of elastic play, and this essential ability to imagine oneself in skins that are not one’s own, and to stretch and reshape narratives is what breeds creativity and storytelling. It shapes compassion.

Now, think of your early stories. As a child we all told and wrote stories about doing what, to us, were mundane everyday things - like getting ice cream with the fictional characters we know and love.

My friend’s three year old tells his father bed time stories about going on walks through Home Hardware with his friends, the anthropomorphized versions of the local taco food truck and the commuter train his dad takes to work every morning. He doesn’t recognize the difference between real and fictional people (or for him, in this case, the stand-ins that are the figures that loom large in his life right now as a three year old obsessed with massive machines). When you ask him to tell you a story, he talks about these fictions as if they’re real. And he does not hesitate to insert himself into the tale. “I did this. I did that. We went there and then had this for lunch.” He is present in all his own stories because, at this age, he understands the world only from his limited personal POV.

As we grow up, we do learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality. But, I posit that we never truly loose that “me too!” mentality. We see something amazing happening on the screen, or on the page, or on a playing field, and we want to be there, a part of it.

So we sort ourselves into Hogwarts Houses. We choose hockey teams to love, and we wear their jerseys.  We buy ball caps from our favorite breweries. We line up for hours to be the first to watch a new release or to buy a certain smartphone. We collect stamps and baseball cards and first editions of Jane Austen and Dan Brown. We want to be a part of it. Our capitalist, consumer society tells us to prove our love with our dollars, and we do it.

And for fan creators, we want to be a part of it so badly that we’re willing to make more of it. Not for profit, but for sheer love. And for the early writers, the newbies, the blossoming beginners, Mary Sues are where they generally start. Because those are the sorts of stories they’ve been telling yourselves for years already.

But as we get older, as we consume more media texts and find more things to adore, we begin to notice a dearth of representation – you’re not pony trains in our minds any more. We have a better idea of what we look like. And we don’t see it. The glorious fantasy diversity of our childhoods is stripped away, narratives are codified by the mainstream media texts we consume, and people stop looking like us.

I’m reminded of a story I read on Tumblr, of a young black author living in Africa – whose name, I’m afraid, I wasn’t able to find when I went back to look for it, so my apologies to her. The story is about the first time she tried to write a fairytale in elementary school. She made her protagonist a little white girl, and when she was asked why she hadn’t chosen to make the protagonist back, this author realized that it hadn’t even occurred to her that she was allowed make her lead black. Even though she was surrounded by people of color, the adventures, and romance, and magic in everything she consumed only happened to the white folks. She did not know she was allowed to make people like her the heroes because she had never seen it.

This is not natural. This is nurture, not nature. This is learned behavior. And this is hegemony.

No child grows up believing they don’t have place in the story. This is something were are taught. And this is something that we are taught by the media texts we consume.

I do want to pause and make a point here. There isn’t anything fundamentally wrong with writing a narrative from the heterosexual, able bodied, neurotypical, white cismale POV in and of itself. I think we all have stories that we know and love that feature that particular flavor of protagonist. And people from that community deserve to tell their stories as much as folks from any other community.

The problem comes from a reality where when it’s the only narrative. The default narrative. The factory setting. When people who don’t see themselves reflected in the narrative nonetheless feel obligated to write such stories, instead of their own. When they are told and taught that it is the only story worth telling. ‎

There’s this really great essay by Ika Willis, and it’s called “. And I think it’s the one – one of the most important pieces of writing not only on Mary Sues, but on the dire need for representation in general.

In the essay, Willis talks about Mary Sues – beyond being masturbatory adventure avatars for young people just coming into their own sexuality, or avatars to go on adventures with – but as voice avatars. Mary Sues, when wielded with self-awareness, deliberateness, and precision, can force a wedge into the narrative, crack it open, and provide a space for marginalized identities and voices in a media-text that otherwise silences and ignores them.

This is done one of two ways. First: by jamming in a diverse Mary Sue, and making the characters and the world acknowledge and work with that diversity. Or, second: by co-opting a pre-existing character and overlaying a new identity on them while retaining their essential characterization. For example, by writing a story where Bilbo Baggins is non-binary, but still thinking that adventures are messy, dirty things. Or making Sherlock Holmes deaf, but still perfectly capable of solving all the crimes. Or making James Potter Indian, so that the Dursleys prejudiced against Harry not only for his magic, but also for his skin color. Or making Ariel the mermaid wrestle with severe body dysphoria, or Commander Sheppard suffer from severe PTSD.

I like to call this voice avatar Mary Sue a ‘Meta-Sue’, because when authors have evolved enough in their storytelling abilities to consciously deploy Mary Sues as a deliberate trope, they’re doing so on a self-aware, meta-textual level.

So that is where Mary Sues comes from.

But what is a Mary Sue? How can you point at a character and say, “Yes, that is – definitively – a Mary Sue”.

Mary Sues can generally be characterized as:

-Too perfect, or unrealistically skilled. They shouldn’t be able to do all the things they do, or know all the things they know, as easily as they do or know them. For reasons of the plot expedience, they learn too fast, and are able to perform feats that other characters in their world who have studied or trained longer and harder find difficult. For example, Neo in The Matrix.

-They are the black hole of every plot – every major quest or goal of the pre-existing characters warps to include or be about them; every character wants to befriend them, or romance them, or sleep with them, and every villain wants to possess them, or kill them, or sleep with them. This makes sense, as why write a character into the world if you’re not going to have something very important happen to them? So, for example, like Neo in The Matrix.

-A Mary Sue, because it’s usually written by a neophyte author who’s been taught that characters need flaws, has some sort of melodramatic, angsty tragic back-story that, while on the surface seems to motivate them into action, because of lack of experience in creating a follow-through of emotional motivation, doesn’t actually affect their mental health or ability to trust or be happy or in love. For example, like the emotional arc of Neo in The Matrix.

– A Mary Sue saves the day. This goes back to that impulse to be the center of the story. Like Neo in The Matrix.

-And lastly, Mary Sues come from outside the group. They’re from the ‘real world’, like you and I, or have somehow discovered the hero’s secret identity and must be folded into the team, or are a new recruit, or are a sort of previously undiscovered stand-alone Chosen One. Like, for example, Neo in The Matrix.

Now, as I’ve said, there’s actually nothing inherently wrong with writing a Mary Sue. Neo is a Mary Sue, but The Matrix is still a really engaging and well written film. And simply by virtue of the fact that an individual with ingrained cultural foundations is writing a story, that story is inherently rooted in that writer’s lived life and experiences. As much as a writer may try to either highlight or downplay it, each character and story they create has some of themselves in it. The first impulse of storytelling is to talk about oneself. We write about ourselves, only the more we write, the more skilled we become at disguising the sliver of us-ness in a character, folding it into something different and unique. We, as storytellers, as humans, empathize with protagonists and fictional characters constantly – we love putting our feet into other people’s shoes. It’s how we understand and engage with the world.

And we as writers tap into our own emotions in order to describe them on the page. We take slices of our lives – our experiences, our memories, our friend’s verbal tics or hand gestures, aunt Brenda’s way of making tea, Uncle Rudy’s way having a pipe after dinner, that time Grannie got lost at the zoo – and we weave them together into a golem that we call a character, which comes to life with a bit of literary magic. I mean, allow me to be sparklingly reductionist for a second, but in the most basic sense, every character is a Mary Sue.

It’s just a matter of whether the writer has evolved to the point  in their craft that they’ve learned to animate that golem with the sliver of self-ness hidden deep enough that it is unrecognizable as self-ness, but still recognizable as human-ness.

For years, mainstream western media has featured characters that were primarily heterosexual, able bodied, neurotypical, white cismales. And, regrettably, because of that, this flavor of human is now assumed to be the default for a character. When people from other communities speak up requesting other flavours, for characters for whom the imbedded sliver of humanity remains just as poignant and relatable, but the outer shell is of a different variety, this is when that certain segment of the fan population looses their cool.

That certain segment of the fan population has been telling us for years that if we don’t like what we see on TV or in video games, or in books, or comics, or on the stage, that we should just go make our own stuff. And now we are.

“Make your own stuff,” they say, and then follow it up with: “What’s with all this political correctness gone wild? Uhg. This stuff is all just Mary Sue garbage.”

Well, yes. Of course it is. That’s the point.

But why are they saying it like that?

Because they mean it in a derogatory sense.

They don’t mean it in the way that Paula Smith meant it – a little bit belittling but mostly fun; a bemused celebration of why we love putting ourselves into the stories and worlds we enjoy. They don’t mean it the way that Willis means it – a deliberate and knowing way to shove the previously marginalized into the center. They don’t even mean it the way that I mean it in my own work - as a tool for carefully deconstructing and discussing character and narrative with a character and from within a narrative.

When a certain segment of the fan population talks about ‘Mary Sue’, they mean to weaponize it. To make it a stand-in for the worse thing that a character can be: bland, predictable, and too-perfect. Which, granted, many Mary Sues are. But not all of them. And a character doesn’t have to be a Mary Sue to be done badly, either.

When this certain segment of the fan population says ‘Mary Sue’, they’re trying to shame the creators for deviating from the norm - the white, the heterosexual, the able bodied, the neurotypical, the straight cismale.

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “I don’t believe people like this are interesting enough to be the lead character in a story.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “I don’t think there’s any need to listen to that voice. They’re not interesting enough.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “This character is not what I am used to a.k.a. not like me, and I’m gonna whine about it.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “Even though kids from all over the world, from many different cultural, religious and ethnic backgrounds have had to grow up learning to identify with characters who don’t look or think like them, identifying with characters who don’t look or think like me is hard and I don’t wanna.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: ”Even though I’ve grown up in a position of privilege and power, and even though publishing and producing diverse stories with diverse casts doesn’t actually cut into the proportionate representation that I receive, and never will, I am nonetheless scared that I’ll never see people like me in media texts ever again.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “Considering my fellow human beings as fellow human beings worthy of having stories about them and their own experiences, in their own voices, is hard and I don’t wanna do it.”

When this certain segment of the population says ‘Mary Sue,’ what they’re really saying is: “I only want stories about me.”

They call leads ‘Mary Sues’ so people will stop writing them and instead write… well, their version of a ‘Mary Sue.’ The character that is representative of their lived experiences, their power and masturbatory fantasies, their physical appearance, their sexual awakenings, their cultural identity, their voice, their kind of narratives.

Missing, of course, that the point of revisionist and inclusive narratives aren’t to shove out previous incarnations, but to coexist alongside them. It’s not taking away one entrée and offering only another – it’s building a buffet.

Okay, so who actually cares if these trolls call these diverse characters Mary Sues?

Well, unfortunately, because this certain segment of the population have traditionally been the group most listened-to by the mainstream media creators and the big money, their opinions have power. (Never mind that they’re not actually the biggest group of consumers anymore, nor no longer the most vocal.)

So, this is where you come in.

You have the power to take the Mary Sue from the edge of the narrative and into the centre. And you do can do this by normalizing it. Think back to that author who didn’t think little black girls were allowed to be the heroes of fairy tales. Now imagine how much different her inner world, her imagination might have been at the stage when she was first learning to understand her own self-worth, if she had seen faces like hers on the television, in comics, in games, and on the written page every day of her life.

And not just one or two heroes, but a broad spectrum of characters that run the gamut from hero to villain, from fragile to powerful, from straight to gay, and every other kind of intersectional identity.

You have the power to give children the ability to see themselves.

Multi-faceted representation normalizes the marginalized.

And if you have the privilege to be part of the passing member of the mainstream, then weaponize your privilege. Refuse to work with publishers, or websites, or conventions that don’t also support diverse creators. Put diverse characters in your work, and do so thoughtfully and with the input of the people from the community you are portraying. And if you’re given the opportunity to submit or speak at an event, offer to share the microphone.

The first thing I did when actor Burn Gorman got a Twitter account was to Tweet him  my thanks for saving the world in Pacific Rim while on a cane. As someone who isn’t as mobile as the heroes I see in action films - who knows for a fact that when the zombie apocalypse comes I will not be a-able to outrun the monsters – it meant so much to me that his character was not only an integral and vital member of the team who cancelled the apocalypse, but also that not once in the film did someone call him a cripple, or tell him he couldn’t participate because of his disability, or leave him behind.

Diversity matters.

Not because it’s a trendy hashtag, or a way to sell media texts to a locked-down niche market, but because every single human being deserves to be told that they have a voice worth listening to; a life worth celebrating and showcasing in a narrative; a reality worth acknowledging and accepting and protecting; emotions that are worth exploring and validating; intelligence that is worth investing in and listening to; and a capacity to love that is worth adoring.

White, heterosexual, neurotypical, able-bodied cismales are not the only people on the planet who are human.

And you have a right to tell your story your way.

Calling something a ‘Mary Sue’ in order to dismiss it out of hand, as an excuse to hate something before even seeing it, is how the trolls bury your Narrative and your Identity.  We are storytellers, all of us. Every person in this room. Whether your wheel house is in fiction, or academia, or narrative non-fiction, we impart knowledge and offer experience through the written word, through the telling of tales, through leading a reader from one thought to another.

And we none of deserve to be shouted down, talked over, or dismissed. No one can tell you that your story isn’t worth telling. Of course it is. It’s yours.

And don’t let anyone call your characters, or your work, or you a ’Mary Sue’ in the derogatory sense ever again. Or I am going to scream.

#J.M. Frey #Words for Writers #Writing Advice #Writing Community #writer #am writing #voice #how to #writblr #writeblr

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themegalosaurus · 6 years ago

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Summergen Recs 2018

I love to do a long list of Summergen recs so here they are for this year! Reveals are due any day now so hurry to read them while they are still Mysterious and Anonymous. And do check out the full collection at the Summergen website, there were lots of other really good entries (plus my entry, haha) but my list was getting unmanageably long so I had to be very exacting in my choice! Also, please pay attention to the warnings on each fic when you click through, some of them are fairly dark...

ART Summer School Sam didn't realize his summer breaks weren't like other kids' summers -- not at first. But the older he gets, the more he realizes how different his family is from other kids he meets. - Just a lovely atmospheric vision of a moment in Sam and Dean's adolescence.

[untitled] Jack grew up as the younger brother of Sam and Dean--just a regular kid with profound powers trying to hide from his hunter family that he's the son of Lucifer. - A really clever interpretation of the prompt that raises more questions than it answers!

FIC Black Coffee in Bed, 2900 words, PG-13 Breakdown in Nebraska, and the mornings after. - Beautifully, sparely written insight (via a service-station psychic) into Sam's mindset during that bleak, dark moment mid-season 13.

Chick Lit References, 3200 words, R “This is just typical,” Dean says angrily. “Cas puts us in a yurt, and you won’t let me leave because you think we need this to ‘fix us,’ but here’s the thing, Sam, next time you’re mad at me, maybe you should try this thing called talking instead of going straight to chick lit references that will soar over my head.” - The premise for this feels like it should be cracky, almost - Sam and Dean take some 'me-time' to recover from Michael - but it's much more subtle and emotionally complex than that.

death unhinged its jaw, 4500 words, PG-13 death unhinged its jaw and swallowed them whole, only to spit them back out again after. - I don't want to give away the central conceit of this one and it's not the first I've read to toy with the idea, but it executes it perfectly; dark and understated and (if you think too hard about it) really awfully, hopelessly grim.

Fledgling, 7700 words, PG-13 When four-year-old Emma arrives the Bunker, Sam wonders exactly what it is that Cas brought him — what he made without his soul. - I feel like a lot of fics told with this kidfic premise or in this kind of ethereal tone wouldn't work for me but this one really swings it, somehow. I think partly there's an undercurrent of humour that punctures what in the wrong hands would be - for me - too grandiose. Instead, it's an unexpectedly sweet, magical little story.

Misplaced, 1900 words, PG-13 "Dean facilitated a divine family reunion and God’s sister gifted him John Winchester. The world is upside-down—but they’ve rescued Sam, and doesn’t the world somehow (always) hinge on him?” For the prompt: Season 12 Au where John was brought back to life instead of Mary. - This one Pulls No Punches. It's brutal and is all the better for it!

Mongrels, 4000 words, PG-13 'One time in the first grade, Sam's art teacher had assigned self-portraits--a picture meant to show the world who you really were. In his self-portrait, Sam had given himself approximately 37 heads, and Dean had been sent to the principal's office for shouting "oh FUCK" when he saw it.' Just New Mexico things. S9 post-Gadreel H/C casefic. - Compelling, hallucinogenic, clever casefic told through Dean's eyes during that twisty period of emotional estrangement

Open Sky, 3200 words, PG-13 Magda lives, and ends up spending some time at the bunker. - Lovely fic with Sam and Magda in a sort of Sam-Jack style relationship. Sam does some helping, confronts some truths, MAGDA LIVES, we all know how bitter I am about this ahahahaha

Riptide, 10,000 words, PG-13 Sam just wants to be a normal college student and normal college students go on spring break. Of course, that’s when bodies begin washing up on the beach. - I love me a Stanford casefic and this one is particularly well done. It has a great monster and it gives Sam a really believable set of friends and relationships to work with and around as he tries to solve the problem without letting anyone in on his secret. Really enjoyable.

Saints Preserve Us, 9,600 words, PG-13 - Dean has convinced Sam that Mark of Cain or not, he’s still perfectly capable of a straightforward salt and burn. Hint: he may have exaggerated slightly. Meanwhile, the Fates are locked in a bureaucratic battle with Heaven over the supply of basic utilities and are just generally dysfunctional. These things are not unrelated. - Quirky, well-written casefic with a touch of the Neil Gaimans. (That's a good thing!)

Sicko, 2900 words, PG-13 Now fully human, Jack navigates the realities of both past and present. - I'm a sucker for Jack and Sam fics and this is another really fantastic one with Jack figuring out some pretty heavy stuff now that he is human. Sam in this story is absolutely lovely and Jack is heartbreaking in just the same way as he is sometimes in the show. Really worth reading.

Sleeping with the Fishes, 4400 words, PG-13 Dean won’t rest until Sam sleeps. - This one (with bonus lovely artwork) doesn't try to do anything too fancy but it's a well-written snapshot of every hurt!Sam aficionado's favourite slice of canon (yes I do mean haggard sleepless Hallucifer-Sam) with a Sam and Dean whose voices are absolutely spot-on.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This, 5600 words, PG-13 Sam's looking at a large white envelope, with the word Stanford printed on the top. - I don't want to spoil too much of this one - Sam has to tell the family about his Stanford offer. Let's leave it there.

These are the days of miracle and wonder (this is the long distance call), 10,000 words, PG-13 Sam Winchester's life has been touched by many things - love, loss, fear, hope, pain, and always, in the background, witchcraft. - Probably my favourite fic of the whole of Summergen this year. Sam as a witch. Lovely shifting POV and it builds to such a fantastic climax. Plus some A+ cameos.

Wintering, 1000 words, G Dean is hurt on his first hunt and lets Sam take care of him. - Poignant little outsider POV fic that offers a perfect glimpse of a particular moment.

Wreckage, 4800 words, PG-13 It’s a slow procession out the front door of the Bunker that first week until it’s just the two of them left. Jack wants to comfort Sam after Michael takes off with Dean but doesn’t know how, and Sam is obsessed with how to get his brother back, no matter what the cost. - I already recced this because it's the fic I prompted, but it's beautifully told and very touching. Well worth a read.

#bittersamgirlclub #fic rec #summergen 2018 #summergen

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years ago

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Hot take: 13x23 is 5x18 “Point of No Return” but they’re married and they’ve adopted the anti-Christ. And also no Adam.

counterpoint: Jack is Adam but filtered through 9 years of Dabb regret for introducing both Jesse and Adam to the story and then constantly being asked about them when neither were intended to play any further part in the narrative but THIS is the child he would sculpt from that experience if Buckleming are gonna force more creepy baby stories on him :P

5x18 starts with Dean defining himself by all the things that are the dismal tools of his trade and core identity, boxing them up to give away (technically the Lisa exchange was also written as the opening of the episode but it got shuffled over one episode to be the end of the previous, which I think is a solid decision but I’ll throw it in here for sake of argument). Dean is primarily defined by his leather jacket, gun and car keys, all of which hark back to John and the identity that he crafted to be half a John knock off, half what he thought John would want Dean to be which may be better/different than John but only to John’s own specifications. Stripped down of all that he wrote his “where we’re going we don’t need roads” letter to Sam and Bobby, meaning for that to be pretty much it.

In the open of 13x23 the “good times” define Dean in a completely different way. He has Sam and ~a~ Bobby, but also his mom, Cas and Jack. Cas plays a pretty small role in the very open of the episode, not being included in that letter, and it makes sense to me in the way that Cas is still very much a fellow solider rather than a family member - he’s very much deep in the stuff that even just the next year will have solidified him to Dean as so important that season 6 hurts like it does, but they’re still in that forging fire and having crucial bonding conversations - my favourite from season 5 is literally in the previous episode.

And it’s interesting in the open of 13x23 that we see a sort of ~normal life resumes~ period for them, which includes Dean driving around hunting, but he’s doing it with Sam and Cas and Jack, and it’s so wildly different from the grim identity as a hunter that he inherited from John. They’ve made it their own way to the point that they have an angel that’s got their backs and a lil nephilim baby who is making a normal werewolf hunt devastatingly easy to the point of being kinda comical. (Obviously that’s not a lasting thing since Jack is depowered by the end but they got to enjoy it). And this leads to a dead opposite version of Dean’s suicide note, where instead he daydreams out loud to a present Sam, taking their life from a POV where he can think about a HAPPY endgame, the beach holiday, the drinks with lil umbrellas, and Cas is there. Then he wanders off and is parental towards Jack.

The whole Lisa and Ben endgame was also one of isolation and removing hunting and personal life, but the Good Times construct a world where Dean has it all - present parental figures rather than an absent memory, his brother, a spouse and a kid. Jack overlapping with Dean’s parenting of Ben in his emotional landscape doesn’t subtract from his life - Jack’s the reason he can even wonder if he and Sam and Cas can take his beach vacation he has been craving out loud basically since John died. Where they’re going they still need the car but only to get around for good reasons, you know?

So these being the two underlying mindsets Dean has before attempting to/actually saying yes to Michael is fascinating because one of them strips him bare as removing all his personhood, putting the weight of the world on his shoulders, and painting him the idea of a paradise where the lucky few survive and everyone lives happily in Heaven. Michael’s endgame is in Pamela and Leah’s descriptions that convince Dean in the 2 previous episodes - that maybe it’s not so bad that some people get to go to Heaven. But Leah then goes evangelical club of lucky 1000 people style Heaven ascending, and this is where the spoilers about Michael in season 14 overlap with her message so obviously 5x17 might be a key thematic episode as well, as 5x16, 17 and 18 make Michael’s mission and intent so extremely clear. (5x13 too but brr, there’s so much that happens in that exchange I’d need another post :P).

AU Michael sees them as Paradise AU, while they’ve been viewing his world as Apocalypse AU, and I think those 2 perspectives are a very clear meta commentary on the way that his vision was presented back in season 5 as well - that he was going for that full Christian judgement day where the sheep and the goats are separated or whatever, and the planet is cleansed. He already attempted it in the Apocalypse AU but it clearly went awry and it sounds from spoilers like he’s gonna have a second go at realising this properly? I haven’t really been paying clear attention to the spoilers but it stood out to me having Dabb tease the sort of stuff I’ve been describing because that was barely implicit in season 13 since of course AU Michael made such a hash of the apocalypse on his first go at it. But of course for budget reasons he’s being more careful and less openly destructive in Paradise AU. And the very fact that the main SPN verse is Paradise AU to him is utterly fascinating when layered over season 5 and what we glean of Michael’s plan post-Lucifer killing, which our original Michael seems to see as an irritating first step even back then.

And then to get to season 13, Dean in this wonderful happy good place is going to be the time he ends up saying Yes because it’s not the weight of the world on his shoulders - I mean, yeah, it is, but. It’s the weight of his family. And Sam and Jack are the ones who are taken - the haemorrhaging brothers Zach casually used as leverage in 5x18 - and we get Dean bargaining with AU Michael just like he bargained with Zach and Michael in 5x18 to worm his way to a change of mind and a “no”, he ends up in the place where to save his brother and son the only option is a yes in another room.

Carver being Carver - and we have his whole showrunning to use as a focus lens on this - went the route of that codependency debate about whether Dean would even care to save Adam or just Sam’s sweet bacon and manipulated Adam into feeling like they wouldn’t care, that they were the cause of all his problems, and Adam was caught in the middle, lied to, and wanting to see his mom again and Zach’s abuse of him in this way to get what he wants is the mirror of Lucifer getting to Jack and trying to prove he can be a good father while attempting to sweet talk Jack enough to agree to zap them off Earth and away from Michael’s plan. It DOESN’T get framed as a Sam and Dean us or them, the break comes before that when Jack for himself sees Lucifer being an abusive ass, and disowns him, and rather than a loss of Adam it’s a distinctive gaining of Jack as a permanent family feature.

The confrontation with him, Sam and Lucifer goes on to finish making that extremely clear, with Sam and Jack competing to die for each other - not for Dean - and showing the bonds and strength they have as their own father and son relationship that has grown outside of the Sam n Dean codependency that Michael manipulated to make it look like even in the last moment they had “lost” Adam to it, rather than him stealing him from under their noses. They did actually intend to rescue him, though I think the staging of it was more like a careless moment of Dean helping Sam through the door first, it wasn’t a Huge Choice To Ditch Adam - though that careless priority of Sam comes back around in 6x11 as well so it’s not like a non-element, it was still not like, a Fuck You Adam I Only Care About Sam.

Obviously in 13x23 with Jack the focus of the abduction and Sam leaping in on it HEROICALLY, there’s of course the sense that is heightened for us the audience that Sam is in trouble as well but while 5x18 had a Save Adam thing and this was a Save Jack thing, in every other way the emotional lines come down about family as a unit not a playing favourites game OR any commentary whatsoever on codependency except in its absence, while 5x18 is one of the only episodes to even actually use that word to describe Sam n Dean. It happened to be Sam and Jack in this situation but any combination of his peeps could have triggered this response in Dean, I feel. This is just the narratively neat way it played out.

And, of course, to get to the worst part… Which i still can’t even handle even when it’s been the focus of my icon for at least a month… Cas having to deal with Dean saying yes, after 5x18 was such a huge argument and point of pain between them, the one time Cas has turned violently on Dean was for attempting to give up and say yes to Michael in that episode, and it caused him a complete loss of faith, and was his impetus to help them get to Adam but in the cattiest fuck you possible in that last moment outside the warehouse. He describes going into the suicide mission to clear out the angels as not having to deal with watching Dean say yes, so of course in 13x23 his role is to chill with Dean as his accepted husband, third wheel, whatever else, part of the beach vacation, unquestioned part of the family, only for Dean to suddenly do the thing in front of him that in 5x18 had been their lowest point, personally and emotionally and interpersonally. When they had no faith in each other, and were both suicidal and miserable.

And Cas is left in moments having to deal with losing potentially his entire family - son, brother, husband - to Lucifer and Michael, and it’s like they’re right back at the start. So much has changed and it’s not about faith, it’s not about believing in each other… He and Jack are part of this Winchester family and their investment is so different. But it’s seeing Dean make this sacrifice for family in front of him when of all of them Cas and Dean know the stakes of saying yes to Michael the best in the sense of having fought it out like that before. Because it’s the thing that forged them. That on the other side of it, Cas told Dean he wasn’t the broken shell of a man he thought he was or whatever he said in 5x21 when apologising for his lack of faith in his surprise that Dean hadn’t said yes. That last minute reconciliation and forging of what was the core of their bond from then on…

I think for Cas, still, his belonging is a bit more tenuous and Jack helps - he’s helped all of them by the brief “good times” montage at the start - but he’s always doubted his place in the family and the role he has and Dean’s always been his strongest connection, and having Jack and a settled few weeks to months with all these people around feels like a good way to give Cas time to feel truly in a part of the family unit. But even in 13x06 you can see they all have all their different bonds and dynamics and with Jack there it gives Cas another purpose and connection and Jack is also firmly connected to Sam and Dean. It’s sort of a joke that they’re all his dads when Rowena says it, but it’s seriously not untrue. For lack of any other relatable life experience and the circumstances of Jack’s existence, Dean, Cas and Sam are his fathers for the roles they’ve played to him, and those new bonds are like a thicker glue between TFW that none of them can really argue their way out of when it comes to emotional doubt about belonging. If Cas struggles to see the Bunker as home and his purpose on earth, then Jack DOES, and can clearly name his family, who matters to him, what he wants and where he wants to be, by the last moments that Lucifer steals his grace, Jack is avowedly a part of their world, and that’s a link Cas now has that sort of chains him there one step further than he ever had before that his doubts are going to have to listen to. And, you know, 10 seconds later Jack is gone and Sam is gone and Dean is saying yes to Michael.

It makes Cas in 5x18 even more interesting just because this is the moment of shattering for him, and thinking back to how he was and what he stood to lose then is both deeply personal but so removed from what he has in season 13 that it’s hard to grasp at it, except that it’s so so connected to Dean and Dean only, that in the same way that losing Jack and Sam at once challenges the codependency set up that Zach presented via Adam, you have Cas no longer laser focused on Dean. And yet, of course. He stays behind with Dean to see him say yes, because in 5x18 that was his laser focus of emotional characterisation and as much as Sam and Jack mean to him, this is how to hurt Cas to his very very core. And still, even in this new family, shows the pressure point is Dean, and this very personal history they share when it comes to saying yes to Michael. How Dean represented Cas’s faith, and when they lost their faith they lost it together, and then gained it back together, because of each other. Leaving Cas to watch that happen… ugh, it’s illegal. I don’t even have words for the magnitude of what Dabb put him through and I’ve been wrangling with it all summer and now it’s September and it still hurts on a cosmic level :P

And yet in the end the episodes end the same - hubris and losing a character to Michael, who still manages to sneak a victory and a vessel out of the scenario, even after Dean bargained with him and stabbed a smarmy adversary and seemed for a moment like the biggest badass and a fuckin hero to Sammy and defended their family and independence and place in the world. But in this case, Dean had already let Michael through the door, and he didn’t have to settle for a second rate vessel. Dean always bargains with himself and this time, the bargain that he gets to kill the bad guy in exchange for Michael’s cooperation failed, and like in both scenarios Michael took his vessel by force and trickery, because for Michael, the “yes” has always been a pretty hypothetical necessity in the first place >.>

#Asks #5x18 #13x23 #suicide mention cw #parallels #deeean #destiel #michael #I DONE TOLD YOU HE'S THE BIGGEST BAD OF SEASON 5 #dabb vs cars #these subversions on the season 5 story are Dabb on full magnificent bastard form

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maylovexhs · 7 years ago

Text

A Case of Serendipity(H.S) - Chapter 9

Author’s Note:

Masterlist

A Case of Serendipity Masterlist

Bringggggg. Brinnggggg.

I heard my phone go off.

“Mmm” I hummed.

I turned around in bed, refusing to open my eyes yet.

I reached for my phone that I usually had on my left bedside table. I felt nothing there. There was only empty space. I turned back around in bed, opening my eyes slowly.

This wasn’t my room.

My room didn’t have clothes throw down onto the ground. Neither did it have a PlayStation and a small tv screen. This was Michael’s room.

My phone continued to ring. I got up from the bed, looking for the source of the ringing that now seemed as a drilling noise to me. It was coming from my bag that was on the floor. I picked it up, taking my phone out. Chloe was calling. I declined her call.

My lockscreen read 8:43. Saturday, March 3rd. Saturday. Thank god it’s Saturday. I looked down at myself. I was dressed in a long blue shirt that extended down to my mid thighs. I presumed it was Michael’s. God, I hope I wasn’t too drunk last night for him to help me change. Or worse have sex with him.

I noticed my jacket and last night’s dress laid on the bed’s edge along with my bra. I need to change and get out of here. I locked Michael’s door before changing. I was sure about to get looks from strangers on the bus thinking I was doing the walk of shame. I looked around Michael’s room for my shoes. I couldn’t find them. They probably were in the hallway. I unlocked the door, tip toeing outside the room.

Please let Anthony and Lucas be asleep still. My prayers were half answered. I walked on Michael and Lucas in the living room.

“Hey, Daph!” Lucas greeted me.

“Morning” I said back to the both of them. “I should get back home”

“That fast?” Michael asked me. “You didn’t even have breakfast yet?”

“Yeah. I don’t want Alyssa to think I’m dead or anything” I explained.

“You can call her” Lucas said. “I wanted to go out for breakfast. Lucas wants to tag along too”

“You guys don’t have to do that” I said. “I crashed by already so-“

“Daph” Lucas interrupted me. “It’s breakfast. You can’t fight over breakfast”

I couldn’t fight them. The more I gave them reasons not to, the more persuasive they were getting.

“Alright then” I said. “Where?”

*ALYSSA’S POV*

“So, when I’m gonna take you out?” Ray asked me over the phone.

I rolled my eyes at him. This is the fourth time he called me this morning asking me out and each time I said no. I was starting to think Ray was brain dead since he wasn’t getting the hint.

“Excuse me? Ray, you’re a typical fuckboy. The only thing you’re good for is sex” I pointed out to him.

“Oh come on, baby” Ray pleaded with me. “You know you wanna go out with me”

“No, I don’t” I said, starting to pick the dirt under my nails out.

“Let me show you what I have for you Alys”

“Alys?” I asked, offended. “It’s Alyssa. Always bee-“

I heard a knocking on the apartment door. Must be Alyssa. She texted she would be back soon.

“Ray, I gotta go. Daphne’s back” I hung up on the call.

I got up from the couch and walked to the door. I looked through the peephole. You got to be fucking kidding me. Why was Harry Styles standing outside my apartment door? I was going to kill Daphne if she invited him here.

I sighed, opening the door. I was not interested in talking or being in the same room as somebody like him. Daphne was naive to. I didn’t trust celebrities and how they take advantage of people.

“Hi! Yeh must be Alyssa” Harry said in a cheery voice. “We h’aven’t met yet”

“I didn’t want to” I stated, crossing my arms.

Harry obviously took offense. He stepped back.

“Oh, s’orry” He apologized. “Daph mentioned yeh as. .”

“Blunt? Pessimistic? Scary?” I asked, trying to finish his words.

“Yeah. . . Is Daphne here?” He asked me. “Chloe said she might”

“No, she isn’t” I answered. “I would understand why”

“I came to apologize” Harry explained. “Can I come in?”

Apologize? I knew he would do something wrong. Maybe I should leave him all alone so Daphne could deal with him by herself.

“You can wait in her room” I said. “I was about to leave anyways”

I walked back into the apartment, leaving the door open for Harry to come in.

“Thanks” I heard him say behind me.

I grabbed my boots, putting them on. I noticed Harry looking around the apartment. I had no idea why he had such an interest in Daphne or a place like this.

“Don’t you have a concert to do or a place to be?” I asked him.

“Not now” He answered, looking at the picture frames that showed Daphne and me. “In a week, I h’ave to”

“Does Daphne know that you have to?” I asked him, heading to the coat rack.

“No, she doesn’t” Harry answered. “I wanted to talk to her before I left”

I smirked, putting my coat on. Daphne was totally naive. I took my bag and phone before walking to the door.

“Well, good luck” I wished him, opening the door. “Lock the door behind me”

I closed the door behind me quickly, not hearing a response from Harry. Daphne needs to sort out the people in her life right away.

*HARRY’S POV*

I wasn’t going to lie. She had a small room. It’s length was bigger than its width. I was almost certain it was half the size of her apartment living room. I couldn’t complain either. I knew apartments these days were hard to come by. It seemed to me the size didn’t bother Daphne or Alyssa. If anything, by the pictures and objects they had on display made it clear they cared about personality more. I respected that.

The ukulele that stood against their living room’s wall proved they were fun loving. The amount hanging pictures of their families and friends showed how precious relationships were to them. The psychology and biography books struck that they were rich in thought. Their bedrooms exuded hidden gems of their personalities. I didn’t dare to set foot in Alyssa’s room. I was sure not following her orders of waiting in Daphne’s room would push her to be against me more. It was a risk I couldn’t take.

By the look of it at first glance, Daphne’s bedroom did seem comfortable. It was hard not to notice the bears on her bed. Each one looked a bit ruffled and worn out. If they were from childhood, I understood why she kept them. The dangling lights and paper circular added a flair to the room. The wide picture of the Beatles that sat on her headboard showed her true interest and genre of music. The CD player that sat on her bedside table along with the cds stacked next to the table on the floor proved it. CDs of Queen, Lesley Gore and Lorde were a sample of it. The tea mug that was actually contained left over hot chocolate in it sat on her table.

However, the most hidden gem of her room was the pictures that were pinned to the walls. They weren’t recent. All of them had the same two people in it; a young child and a father. I assumed they were pictures of Daphne and her father, which she never told me about before. None of the photos surpassed the younger years. The photos Daphne had of herself up of her teenage and adult years didn’t include her father in it. I wasn’t going to ask what happened between her father and her since it wasn’t my place yet I suspected something terrible happened to him.

I looked away from the photos and to the door when heard an opening of the apartment door. Daphne. It must be her. The way Alyssa acted towards me suggested it wasn’t her. It had to be Daphne.

I heard some pills rattling from afar. I was hesitant to walk out the bedroom door. I didn’t want to scare Daphne. Neither did I want to give her another reason to be upset with me. I stood still when I heard the sound of footsteps become louder. Suddenly, it stopped. The door then was opened, revealing Daphne.

I smiled. I was right. I wanted to hug her but she stepped back away from me. She looked like she seen a ghost. A look I was familiar with when fans saw me on the street. Daphne crossed her arms at me, breathing heavily.

“H . . .” She said in a shaky voice. “What are you doing here?”

*DAPHNE’S POV*

I was speechless. Harry was here. In my room. In my apartment that I didn’t give him the address or permission to come into.

I shouldn’t have came back. I shouldn’t have opened my bedroom door. I should have left when I saw the door was a creak open. I always closed my door and Alyssa would never dare to go into my bedroom as I would never dare to go in hers. I can’t believe she actually let him in. I would rather have a stranger in my room than Harry.

I stepped back from Harry. I crossed my arms

“H . . .” I said, feeling shaky. “What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I was waiting” He said, taking a few steps closer to me. “Alyssa let me’h in”

“I could tell” I said. “How- how did you find me?”

“Chloe told me’h” He said, referring to my apartment address.

“Of course” I said under my breath.

I let my arms fall to my sides. The fact I was still wearing a short dress from last night didn’t make the situation better.

Chloe had no right to give him my address. Niether did he have the right to be here, especially after what he done. Now he’s gonna apologize and act like he actually cares for me? I’m not falling for that again.

“Yeh have a nice room” Harry said. “I like the quote on the wall” He pointed to the words.

“We only breathe for so long” I stated the words from my memory. “We can’t be living for another person”

“Chloe told me’h what happened at the party too” He said. “I wanted to apologize”

“Don’t” I protested, stepping back. “I don’t and can’t believe anything from you right now”

Harry looked down at his shoes. He walked over to my bed and sat down on the edge of it.

“Can yeh listen then?” He asked, looking to me. “Doesn’t feel right not to”

My head told me not to. My instincts differed. Overall, I wanted to get rid of him and if I had to listen to him, I guessed had to.

I walked over and sat on the bed next to Harry. I moved a bit further away from him. I looked down at my shoes, refusing to give him any attention as he began to speak. I could feel his eyes on me.

“Jeff thou’ght it was a good idea if we didn’t use someone like me’h for a stunt” Harry started to say.

“Someone famous?” I asked, still not looking at him.

“Yeah” Harry said.

“So, you thought . . .” I took a pause before I speaking again. “That someone who’s known for being charitable and kind would help your reputation”

“I didn’t want to-“

“Until Jeff convinced you?” I asked, cutting him off as I raised my head up to him.

His eyes met mine. His green ones were full of sympathy. Mines were of rage and hurt.

“It didn’t seem Jeff convinced you” I stated. “It seemed like you both don’t have any morals”

“Daph,” Harry called me.

“Don’t call me Daph!” I said standing up from my bed. “People who are my friends call me Daph. What you did does not make you a friend. It makes you a coward and manipulative. Fake!”

Harry remained silent. I wasn’t shocked. Someone who hated not being liked sure didn’t like confrontation either. I blamed myself more than him. He was living in his own bubble in his world. He had become immune to his world. Completely immune that he no longer was aware of the consequences his world had on ordinary people like me.

“It’s my fault really” I said. “I chose to believe you when I knew where you came from. Everyone was right. All people ever do like you is lie. Lie to strangers. Lie to your friends. Family. To yourself”

After a moment, Harry stood up from my bed. He took one single step towards me before speaking. I didn’t move a flinch.

“’M not like those people” Harry said. “Daphne, pl’ease”

“I can’t believe that” I said. “Please. Just get out”

I left my bedroom and walked toward the apartment door. I heard Harry’s footsteps behind me. I opened the door for him to leave.

Harry was about to step out of my apartment when he turned his head to me. If he thought giving me sad guilty eyes would grant him forgiveness from me, he was wrong.

“I’ll miss yeh” Harry told me.

I looked down, nodding.

“Just leave please” I said. “I can’t handle another lie from you”

Harry nodded before stepping out of my apartment. I closed the door and locked it. I took a deep sigh.

I need to stop going to that cafe. I never want to see him again.

“I’ll see you outside?” Michael asked me.

“Yeah” I said to him.

He kissed my forehead before leaving me alone in the cubicles. I put on my spring jacket and carried my bag. I began to walk out the building but stopped once I heard someone call my name.

“Daphne?” I heard a woman’s voice call me.

I looked to a brunette. She had an slight blonde streaks at the end of her hair. Her blue eyes were immediately noticeable.

“Yeah?” I asked her. “Who are you?”

“I’m Glenne” She introduced herself to me. “I’m a friend of Harry”

I squinted my eyes at her. If she was Harry’s friend, I didn’t want to get involved with her.

“A friend of Harry?” I asked her, being suspicious. “I’m not a friend of him anymore. So, please leave me alone.”

I turned away from her and started to walk away.

“He wanted me to give you this” She said. “It’s an explanation”

I stopped walking. I turned towards her.

An explanation? I’m pretty sure Harry understood I didn’t want any explanation from him after I threw him out of my apartment.

“What did you say?” I asked, walking up to her.

“He just told me to give it. It looks like one of the pages of his journal” Glenne said, holding a few papers in her hand.

“Journal?” I asked her.

Harry told me he had a journal. He also told me it was one of his prized possessions.

“Yeah. He’s a very private guy” Glenne said. “He asked that I would give it to you before he left for tour”

“He’s leaving?” I asked her.

Harry didn’t mentioned he was leaving or that he had a tour to go on.

“Yeah. Here” She said holding out the papers for me to take.

I was hesitant to take it first, since I didn’t want to hear from Harry at all. Yet, my intuition told me to.

I took the papers from her, looking down at the papers. Glenne wasn’t joking. It was Harry’s handwriting for sure. I remember his handwriting from the card he sent me with the flowers from weeks ago. He actually wrote an explanation for me.

“You sound special to him” Glenne said. “He never lets anyone read his journal”

“Thanks” I said, despite not knowing if that was a compliment or not.

“Welcome” She said. “I have to go. I hope I’ll see you again. Bye”

Glenne walked away, leaving. I stared at the papers, debating if I should read them or not. Harry really didn’t explain much to me when he came to my apartment and I still had questions. I could read it quickly. I’m sure Michael wouldn’t mind waiting a few minutes for me. I sat down in the office’s lounge. I began to read the papers.

Feb 6th 2018

I think I just became best friends with Daphne. The coffee shop girl.

The coffee shop girl. I wondered if he called me that when I didn’t give out my name to him in the beginning. It’s cute nickname I’ll have to admit.

I continued to read.

I think she knows who I completely am already. I know it’s impossible. I don’t know who I myself am. I feel like she understands me though. It takes a long time to feel like someone genuinely understands me and those who do are my best friends. Aside from the coffee shop, I’ve been out with Daphne about three times by now. Jeff said I shouldn’t trust her but I think she’s worthy of my trust. She may come off a bit silly and strange at first but she’s more than that. She’s down to earth. Curious. Strong willed. Honest. Tactful. Optimistic of everyone. She’s considerate. Resolute. I can say being with her I feel safe. I feel complete with her. Something I always craved. Feeling complete.

I think she knows that I have the need to feel complete. She pointed to it today. She said I change and act like a different person to get people to like me. I have to admit, I do that sometimes. I’m a performer. It’s hard not to be a people pleaser. She claims that’s it’s a cover. An ironic disguise, I remember her saying. She thinks I’m actually dependent and needy of others in my life. That I attach self worth to who I surround myself with. I wouldn’t say she’s right but she definitely hits some spots with my personality.

I smirked. Basic psychology, I thought.

However, what she thought all about it made her more intriguing and interesting to me. She believes it’s cute how I act. That it isn’t a bad thing of how I lived my life. She didn’t seem upset or offended either. She was poised, calm, the whole time we discussed it. She seemed to understand both sides of the life I had. The adventurous exciting worldly side to it. But also the lonely manipulative side.

I see myself as a burden to everyone I care about sometimes. I don’t feel complete unless I’m with someone which explains why I keep ending up with wrong people. Daphne was right about that part. I depend so much on others to make me feel happy about myself. That makes me selfish, does it? I end up using people and driving them away because I’m too selfish. I guess I’m as well as too obsessed with romance to wait around for the right person. I keep feeling so empty and so lost when I try to. Daphne. . .she didn’t get this right. But I still have to give it to her. I didn’t realize that part of myself until she hinted at it. I liked her anyways. Daph. I want to be friends with her, if she allows me to. I think I’ll give it time and try to wait. I’ll be with my family as I try. H.

That was it. That was everything. It wasn’t an explanation but it was something that helped me understand him. It was more of an apology letter to me of how he perceived everyone to be.

I needed to go see him. Glenne said he was going to leave for tour soon and I couldn’t be left with unanswered questions. I had to go now.

I walked out of the building and I found Michael leaning against the wall on his phone. He looked to me.

“You’re done?” Michael asked me.

“Yes” I said.

“Great. Let’s go” He said as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“I can’t” I stated as I stepped away from Michael.

“Why?” Michael asked. “Did you forget to fill out a paper?”

“No” I said. “I just remember my mom wanted me to get her something for tomorrow night” I lied to him.

“Oh, I’ll come with you” Michael offered.

“No” I objected. “I probably have to go to ten different stores to find it and I don’t want to waste your time. I’ll call you later”

“Are you sure?” Michael asked me.

“Positive” I said.

I kissed him as of saying goodbye.

“I’ll FaceTime you later” I said. “Bye”

I turned away from him and started to walk towards Greenwich Street.

I may have lied to Michael. But I still had to get something. Just not for my mother.

I called Harry as I stood outside his apartment building. I hoped he would answer me. I unblocked him so the only reason he wouldn’t answer was if he was busy. I’m pretty sure him sending me the letter was a sign he still wanted to be friends with me. If he didn’t, then these flowers I had brought for him would be a waste.

My phone ringed a few times before Harry picked up. I sighed when I heard his voice.

“Daph?” I heard Harry ask me through my phone.

“H” I said. “Are you still in New York?”

I let out a breath, being relieved.

“Yeah. Did Glenne give yeh the letter?” He asked me.

“Yes. I read it” I stated. “Are you in your apartment?”

“Yeah” Harry answered.

“Can you come down then?” I asked him. “I’m standing outside needing to talk to you”

“Al’right” Harry said. “Yeh could have jus’t come up”

“Just get down here, H” I ordered him before I ended the call.

A minute later Harry came outside. He smirked being a bit confused as to why I had flowers with me.

“Are those for me’h?” Harry asked as we walked toward each other.

I blushed, smiling.

“Yeah” I said. “I know they’re not the same ones you got me but . . . I needed to”

Harry blushed and smiled at me.

“I read the letter and it wasn’t really an explanation” I said.

“It wasn’t suppo’sed to be” Harry said, agreeing with me.

“I still have questions” I continued to speak. “I know I don’t belong in your world, but I can understand and imagine the pressure of it so . . .”

Harry smiled at me like I never seen him smile before. His nose crinkled up a little and his dimples were on full display.

“Where do you want to start?” Harry asked me.

“The beginning” I said. “Please”

“C’mon” Harry said, putting his arm around my shoulder.

I gave him the flowers as we walked into his building. I could feel the doorman glare at me as Harry and I walked to the elevator. I knew I was going to receive more glares like that. I knew I was going to receive worse that that. Death threats. Loss of privacy. Loss of friends. Yet somehow I felt prepared. Safe, almost. I was entering Harry’s world and I had to be ready for the worst.

#hs fanfic #hs fanfiction #harry styles fanfiction #a case of serendipity hs #maylovexhs #harry styles fic

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sapphicscholar · 7 years ago

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hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives.

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story)

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health.

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist)

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online)

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive)

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online

Anything by Dorothy Alison

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few:

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC)

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US)

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once)

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well)

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical)

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!

#ask me #anon #professor rambles #lgbtq history #lgbtq literature #book recommendations #film recommendations

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