#I know I'm gonna think of like 50 more as soon as I post this

[somegrumpynerd]

soriel headcanons… for the poor……….

Why of course!! (dumps my entire brain into the cup)

-They've 100% been asked to leave a movie theatre at least once because they couldn't stop making jokes to each other and talking through the movie

-Over the summer when Toriel's not at school, Sans gets her into stardew valley (Alphys got him into it) and they start a co-op farm. They end up playing it so much that Papyrus has an intervention because he's worried about them (this one is because of this fic that I love so much)

-Sans doesn't use emojis or emoticons but he does have Toriel saved in his phone as "old lady ]:)"

-Toriel still has her diary from the ruins where she wrote down all the jokes they told each other

[bumblebeem]

Transformers One (mostly Bumblebee) things I can't stop thinking about.

During the film's opening when Orion Pax falls into a room and onto a table full of energon, he bundles a load of it into his arms and is eating as much as he can until he drops it all and has to keep fleeing.

He's starving. The miners are being underfed as well as overworked.

Additionally, we see Bumblebee has three rations on his person when he offers one up to wake Alpha Trion. This might suggest he's keeping these rations for when he'll need them rather than being able to comfortably feed himself. For the miners it's a scarce resource they have to be careful with, and yet the transformers on the higher levels are enjoying it in abundance.

Bumblebee urging D-16 to "stay down" during Sentinel's attack.

This is an interesting line - if it was a nothing line meant to reflect compassion/empathy, he could have urged Sentinel to stop, or implored the 'bots next to him to take notice and do something. There were other ways to demonstrate "Bumblebee is kind and doesn't want his friend to get hurt."

But he doesn't look to authority or anyone else around him for help on D-16's behalf.

He instead instructs D-16 on how to behave to get the abuse to stop.

Which suggests to me this is learned behaviour, and he's giving advice based on previous experience. He's learned that taking the punishment and letting it happen gets the perpetrator to eventually stop, but resisting and fighting against them keeps it going.

That he was reassigned continually right down into sub-level 50 would tell me he's had more than his fair share of annoying a bigger 'bot enough to get himself knocked around once or twice. And very likely, nobody witnessing the abuse helped him, and/or the authority in the room was the one perpetrating the abuse anyway, so of course they weren't going to step in and help.

The only way out for him has always been to just take it :( So he assumes this will be the quickest/least painful way out for D-16, too.

Bumblebee is as much of a nerd as Orion is.

He knows about the High Guard (and is very excited to recite what he knows about them), he recognises the Primes as soon as they come across them in the cave, he watches the broadcast Orion locates inside Steve's head with interest... It's very subtly done, but I think this is the main shared trait between Orion and Bee. I wish we had seen more of Bumblebee trying to talk to Orion about this shared interest, but I get the main relationship they wanted to portray was that between Orion and D-16 (and really enjoyed that regardless!)

Bumblebee knows how to leave sub-level 50, yet he still goes back to his post, and doesn't appear to be using this escape-time to socialise with anyone else on the other floors he can access since he is so very clearly starved of social contact.

I'm not crying, okay, I'm just imagining this poor little guy sitting out of view watching the other cogless 'bots come and go, knowing he could get into more trouble and be even more isolated if he announces his presence and gets himself caught.

Also his "limited access" to the waste management area, and that thing he says about the main one in charge there preferring that he stays on task and really not liking any distractions... Ugh.

Bumblebee is purposely isolated in that room and there's apparently enough of a deterrent to keep him in it that he is forced to make imaginary friends out of trash to talk to instead.

I'm gonna go insane with grief and rage.

[raisondetriment]

The fact that this is one of the room options.

Link really is the kind of guy to spend loads of Rupees and like 50 trees worth of lumber he chopped down himself on a house, then as soon as possible he gets his girlfriend to move in with him, and she kinda takes over the place with redecorating AND she has her own little private sanctum in the damp well out back because she needs her privacy I guess. Stuff happens, Link gets the opportunity to get a second house, he pours loads of Rupees into THAT (and in the messed up post-Upheaval economy too)... and then this is a room option.

You know he's never gonna use it. It feels totally out of place among all the other choices. And Hudson's is a custom home builder, that lets you design rooms, layout, the whole thing. They're at least suggesting stuff he's asking about.

That's what I'm saying: he asked for it. This absolute diamond of a man buying a second home that you'd think would be 100% Just For Him this time asks "can I get a quiet private study room? So that when she moves back in, she doesn't have to go in a dark damp well any more?"

This is our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Triforce of Courage? More like Triforce of Complete Selflessness.

[bendyartistic]

Be Aware of alexbstudios. (Part 2) TW: uh.. slur, sui mention.

Recently I've been requested by some people to make another awareness post about Alex, and what has been going on since I made my last callout. So.. let's take a look. I'm gonna be honest I have been paying little to no attention to him at all since my post up until this point, didn't think I'd have to.

Ever since I made it, Alex has been talking about me a lot more, and it feels much more obsessive in a way. I think it's funny but also pretty weird considering some of the things he's said about me. Eugh.

Anyways let's get to the stuff from after my callout to the present. This is just a rundown of everything, and there is some stuff I skipped since I didn't feel it was worth mentioning. Once my post had been made, a lot of people went over and said stuff to him (Though I didn't encourage that behavior, I only wanted to make my post so people knew about him, I'm not covering those unless it's important in this.) Little afterwards he made this... post. Erh, are you stalking me and other people?? ALSO don't say the r slur man, like what.

I find it really creepy that he has this list, and has notes along with them about why/who they are. Also why'd he spell my partners name like that? 💀 Next a little after that he reblogged someone's art and introduction saying this. (I don't want to really @ people in this, nor get anyone involved unless they asked to be.)

I still don't understand how Alex views me, but saying this in a reblog no less is so strange. Reblogging another post, saying this with it...

You're right Alex, I didn't need you in my life, yet here we are. Unfortunately. Besides that, no, 12 year old's should NOT be on Tumblr at all, even with restrictions, said restriction should be having the app blocked from their device.

I'm just gonna.. move on from that. Alex reblogged an art post, where he proceeded to @ over 50 people, myself included, saying "surely you can see the problem". I can't fit the entire thing sadly. I don't get what the point in these posts are honestly, besides annoy everyone. He's done it before as well. He got into a small bit of beef with a handful of folk not too long ago, which I got @'ed in at some point I think, didn't really pay much attention to it. Basically the original post is someone talking about art supplies and asking what one's other people use, which I personally think was a very neat post. Alex comes around though for some reason going off on nonsense. Hello? Who invited you!? (Again, censoring names cuz I don't want to get ppl involved.)

I'm honestly kind of wondering why he even showed up. He pretty soon after made this dumb post as if it could have some effect on the situation.. uh?

I guess mark your calendars guys for this date, where we have to immediately forget everything and forgive him! /j And there's this response he gave to an anon responding to his ✨patience✨ post.

Dunno, so far it hasn't because he's still talking about it, so clearly he hasn't gotten over it enough to let it blow over.

He's giving me those like.. stupid sigma edit vibes sometimes. Y'know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Also I'm not sure what to say about this really, but it's pretty funny.

Context for this next one: You and the person on your lockscreen fight god..? That's a weird one.

Wdym racist though? 🤨 Genuinely kinda curious about that. Btw wouldn't that make you like.. 9?? On a different note, I saw him previously talk about this "friend" he has going to a mental hospital, but I know nothing about it, nor do I really want to, however reblogging on an art post saying this feels off. Think the emotes are what do it.

Don't joke about mental hospitals at all, I shouldn't have to explain why. I'm going to move on from all the short stuff now because I do wanna start talking instead of making short joking comments.

Alex made this post, and so it begins with him talking about me again, eh?

Alex, you're already doomed. I can't put it any other way but from what I've seen maybe only 1 or 2 people even like you. The rest either hate you or want to avoid you at all cost, and I don't blame them at all considering you act like a fool and make everyone uncomfortable.

For my thoughts on you? I don't like you, never did. I just have to put up with you because this is the internet, and you'll probably never truly leave me alone like I once hoped. It's a shame honestly that you cannot follow a simple request from anyone. Don't think I don't know about your planned "response post" you're making, I'm still waiting for it. I don't know what good it's gonna do you though. Personally I don't care if you make one, I'd just read it to see the stuff you make up in it lol. (Edit: He decided to stop working on it after seeing this post lol.)

Enough of my rambling, I should continue with this so I can stop talking about him sooner. Regrettably I had to actually look up what this was about, I felt.. iffy reading it.

Saying gyatt right afterwards wasn't funny. At all. I'm quite upset now. There was absolutely no reason for that.

I was gonna be reasonable and say something genuine but I don't feel like it anymore, this ruined my mood. All I have to say is as much as I dislike you, don't actually do that. Sadly moving to the next nonsensical thing, he made a poll post asking this. (It's still ongoing btw)

Are people like.. forced into giving a reason? Like if I for example chose Bendy, am I immediately supposed to state my reasons? What if I don't want to, are we being held at gunpoint? What's up with that? I'm too lazy to interact with the post, I don't really feel like it anyways even if I wasn't lazy. Which one would you choose though lol I'm going to be serious now again cause this last thing is really just.. what the fuck. Palestine related 🍉, someone asking for help came to Alex, and this was his response to it...

MY GOD Alex. Did you really have to respond to that in this immature, insensitive fucking manner? Could it have not been in one of your stupid rambling posts. It should've been. I'm sorry to the person and I'm sorry I had to read it. You're pretty sick honestly. You need help.

That's it. I'm done.

In conclusion:

Alex is still the same and is still never going to change probably. He still shouldn't be here and I believe he really should get off now more than ever. If not I fear what else he might do next.

All I can really tell you folks is please, DNI with Alex, just leave him alone and block him. You're again not obligated to, but I am suggesting it if you want to be left alone by him. And hey, maybe you'll make it onto his dumb creepy list too, who knows. Alright, I'm finished, I stayed up way too late for this... I'm tired. Cya.

Reblogs are much appreciated, it helps spread the word, thanks.

[delimeful]

Really? You don’t find passive aggressive comments, such as your tags, do be impolite?

And how, exactly, is an ask button (which YOU enabled) that is commonly known to be used for requesting stories on Tumblr from writing pages impolite? Are you new to writing Tumblr? What do you think a majority of writers on Tumblr use that ask button for?

I’ve been a follower for a while but I’m pretty dissapointed tbh.

Anonymous asked: I noticed a reply from @/gstash So let me address that as well. No, of course I don’t expect everything immediately and for free, and I initially requested this story over a year ago. I also spent over $50 being subscribed to Lime’s Patreon specifically for this story, but I had to stop due to low finances. I was just trying to check on when it may be up soon, but I felt the response was rather rude.

(the added slash is mine, i didn't want to inadvertently @ anyone else in this debacle lol)

this is gonna be my final word on the matter because im sick of getting home from work to asks like these. anything else is gonna be deleted. feel free to go ahead and use your actual blog to reply instead of anon if you still feel that strongly about it.

i dont think my tags weren't passive aggressive they were just plain statements. no, i don't think it's impolite to express a boundary irt people asking me for updates. your indignation about this reflects on you, not me.

to clarify, badgering me for updates (verbatim: "Could you please please please post chapter 7") isn't impolite, just irritating. it was the decision to send another ask chiding me for my response that was impolite. kind of a dick move, as most involved in the tumblr writing community know. i genuinely feel sorry for the writers you follow if you genuinely only see their ask boxes as an opportunity to pester them.

i'm disappointed too, anon. i hoped that maybe keeping calm and sincerely explaining myself would be enough to prompt you to respond with empathy in kind, but instead you doubled down.

it seems like there's been a misunderstanding in regards to my patreon; there is no tier that ensures a specific chapter of a fic is updated within a specific time frame. that would be a commission, which is explicitly listed as a reward for my $30 tier, because those take a lot more time + energy for me.

my $12 patreon tier offers early access to my writing, and the ability to request future chapters be moved up on my to-do list, through polls + priority continuation requests. i can't guarantee any specific chapter update in a month, and i'll explain why.

currently, i have over 50 total WIP fics being worked on. each month, i get around 25 chapter update requests. even assuming that each chapter is 2k, my usual minimum chapter length, i would have to write 50,000 words every single month. if i had the capability for that kind of regular output, i would be churning out books like stephen king instead of constantly struggling for my usual monthly 10-15k like a chump lol.

in essence, don't subscribe to my patreon for a specific story unless you know the next chapter for it is already up there. which it is, because i eventually got to your request. and it'll eventually be up on the blog for free. and during the months you spent subscribed to my patreon, you received at minimum tens of thousands of words of content.

finally, an earnest request: please stop acting like twelve dollars is an exorbitant fee when i'm literally making pennies per word written. like, i could have worked a single 8 hour shift at mcdonalds in texas for minimum wage instead and i would have ended up with $8 more than you paid me for four months of many hours of dedicated work.

(not even a joke: 7.25 x 8 = 58.)

in conclusion, i am a human person with feelings, just like every other writer on this site. please take a moment to remember that when sending asks in the future

[storagebay29]

james somerton 'apology' video transcript

Note: for those who do not want to watch it. For those who do, here's a link to a reupload as the original has since been deleted. There are a lot of a pauses and 'um's/'uh's, the latter of which are largely ommitted from the below transcript. Posted under a readmore as it's pretty long.

I'm sorry for taking so long to make this video, or to say anything. I'm in the hospital- I've been in the hospital for a little over a week. I tried- Fuck. I tried to do something really stupid... (pause) I'm only here now because before I did it, I called my dad to talk to him one more time and, he figured out something was wrong, called paramedics or 911 or… and they got here and I woke up in the hospital and, yeah.

…

Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, I'm just trying to explain why I've been so quiet. I had a friend from back home checking my emails and stuff, and yeah.

…

But anyway… I wanna say that I'm really really sorry, really really sorry... for the stuff in the videos, the not crediting people, and for a lot of videos, you know I, I did the opening titles thing, and I tried to put like ‘this is based on X's- this person's research, or on this person's book,’ but I know now that wasn't enough, that wasn't okay. And then there were a lot of times... that uh...  oh god. There were a lot of times that stuff just got put in and there was no attempt at crediting anybody (pause) and I'm really really sorry.

And I'm not, I'm not sorry that I got caught, I'm sorry for ever doing it, I didn't- I honestly honestly... didn't realise that I was hurting people... And now that I know that I was hurting people… I'm just really sorry.

I lost my best friend because of this. Nick and I have been best friends since 2011 or [20]12? We'd been friends online and then. He lived in Ottawa, I moved to Ottawa so we could be, like, friends in person, and then we moved back to- I moved back to Nova Scotia, and Nick came with me. We eventually moved to the Toronto area where we lived together for 7 years? 8 years? We lived together for a really long time… and… he hasn't spoken to me since this happened.

Sorry, sorry I said I wasn't gonna make this a sob sorry. I should’ve got some Kleenex.

Then again I'm really really really sorry for the things I did in the videos: copying people's work and not crediting them properly or at all. I also wanna apologise for the misinformation and just outright lies that ended up in the videos? I didn't- I honestly say that I never intended for any of that stuff to be in the videos, most cases I didn't write it but I should’ve, you know it was my face on the channel, my name on the channel, I should have been, I should have been more diligent about fact checking and stuff. ‘Cause there was a lot of really stupid shit in there. It would’ve- it's just so easy to check, I just never did, I just took it for granted…

I also, I wanna thank Hbomberguy and his team for setting up the fund to make some money available for the authors that were wronged and the journalists and writers and…

I wanna help somehow, I don't know how, a lot of- I've seen a lot of people online saying how much money I apparently make and they’re way overestimating. Beyond the fact that Nick and I split everything 50/50, they're still way overestimating how much money came in… And the Toronto area is expensive, so there's not really any kind of savings, I'm moving home really soon… ‘Cause without Nick there's nothing for me here, and like I said it's really expensive…

And so I wanna say I wanna thank them for setting up that fund, and I wanna help somehow. The only thing I can think of right now is to make the videos, most of the videos public again and every month I can send the ad revenue from all of the past videos- ‘cause there were plenty that didn't have any, any uncredited stuff in them... But I can make them public again, and then every month I can send the AdSense to- either I can send it to Hbomberguy's team, that they can add to the fund, or I can start a fund myself? And every month I can publicly say how much money was made on the AdSense and show it. And send that to the writers and stuff every month. I don't know... what the system for that would be? But I would be more than happy to do that

You know some of the videos like the ‘Killing Stalking’ video brought in like a pretty decent amount of money every month so that would be helpful I think/to them. I'll also put in either the description or the pinned comment the names of the authors so that anyone watching the video knows where all of the information came from, that it wasn’t me going out doing journalism- I never thought that anyone thought that I was doing journalism and stuff, and I don't think anyone did. For the people who actually were doing it should have been given the credit they deserve, they did the hard work, all I did was edit a video. They did the hard work and they- they deserved the credit

(cut) Sorry about that, phone stopped recording.

But- yes. They deserved- they deserved credit, and… when it was something... when it was something like the, the recent... ‘history of hollywood’ videos, right there in the opening credits, I put the Vito Russo's name, that it was adapted from his book ‘The Celluloid Closet’. Same thing went for the gay panic video and the gay holocaust video, they were- the holocaust video was adapted from two books, and the gay panic video was adapted from a lot of journalism, and I- I put their names right at the beginning of the videos.

But and- I understand that's not how citation works... now. I understand that, I get it. And I wanna do better. And I know a lot of people hate me now, ‘cause I did bad shit. But I wanna try and do better. At some point I’d like to make videos again. I'd like to do videos that are fully sourced, where I will put a link to the script where you can find all the sources so that everyone is properly given the credit that they deserve, any the kind of research that's done, credit for any b roll that's used whether it's stock footage, or movies or TV shows or video games, or anything like that, have it all in there. I would like to become a really really good example of giving proper credit to writers and journalists

And I know a lot of you watching this aren't- aren't really gonna care, you'd rather I just disappear. But I would like to try to do better.

I never ever intended to hurt anybody. I never thought that that's what I was doing. Before I went- before I went to the hospital, I read a lot of stuff from people who were really hurt, not just authors and stuff but people who watched my videos who were hurt by stuff in them. People think that I hate ace people and women and bisexual people and lesbians and that's not true. It's really- it's just- it’s not true. And I’m sorry that stuff made it into videos that just shouldn’t have been there: misinformation and lies... But I promise you I did not write that stuff.

I should have been a lot more exacting when Nick and I would be editing scripts but I promise you that those are not- I don't think those things. I specifically want to apologise to asexual people who feel that I just completed delegitimised you. Nick being ace, I- I know that it's kinda like you know, no two gay people are exactly the same, no two ace people are exactly the same, but I kind of, when it came to that I just kind of ran with Nick's judgement and his observations and stuff like that. And I’m not trying to throw Nick under the bus, which a bunch of people are saying that I was setting him up as doing, which is not true…

This whole thing, Nick and I were 50/50 partners, it wasn't I hired him to have a scapegoat or something like that. I never hired Nick. Nick and I were roommates for years before I started doing Youtube videos and then they started- people started watching them and I asked Nick if he wanted to help me write them and he said yes and we started splitting the- first the AdSense and then the Patreon and then the sponsorships, we just split everything. Nick was never supposed to be a fall guy.

I'm sorry. Maybe I should have waited longer to do this. But yeah, I- the- I did not- I don’t think those things and I don't think Nick does either, I think it was just how fast we were writing stuff, and how fast we were putting videos out, it was just too fast. And we weren’t putting the care into them that needed to be put into them.

I've seen a lot of people on social media and other youtubers even lying about me, but other- other- Hbomberguy was not one of them, I just wanna be clear about that, except I was never setting Nick up to be a fall guy and. It was never a grift or anything like that. I swear it was not. It is not.

In the next couple of days, I'm gonna send out a message to the Telos supporters on Indiegogo and explain the whole situation in more detail to them because we were not super clear about everything that was going on with Telos and so I can- I understand if it seems like we weren't doing anything but we were. We were doing a lot of work on Telos. We just weren’t talking about it is because we- we made that initial first announcement for ‘final girl’ and that fell through and I'll explain that to the message I send out to the supporters which I'm sure will end up on reddit or somewhere… And after that we didn't- we didn't want to talk about it too much until we had something really concrete, and I will explain all of that in that message

Telos was and is not a grift. I was never gonna take the money and run. None of the money that came in for telos was ever going to be paying me or Nick. It was going to be paying queer actors and artists, musicians, things like that. And I know there's been lots of talk about budgets and all this stuff, and people saying that I'm really stupid for thinking a movie could be made for that little money, but there are examples of it being done, and I actually do have a work ethic.

Anyway. but yeah. anyway

I do want to keep making videos and I know a lot of you won't watch them and that's- that's fine. But I really liked making videos…

We ended up making a lot of videos we didn't wanna make because people were asking for them, and so there were a lot of videos that we made that we didn't wanna make, and I think those videos are very clear on which ones those were. One of them never got officially released. It was released to patrons, some patrons have shared it to other people before all the videos went private. A lot of people hate the analysis that Nick and I did on it but. And so maybe it's good that that never got properly released, because… maybe it would have hurt people. And I don't want that.

But I do wanna make videos again sometime. I'd love to do like retrospectives on important gay movies. If you watch the channel ‘Be Kind Rewind’ they're an amazing channel that do a lot of retrospectives on older Hollywood movies and I would love to do that for gay movies. A lot of gay movies, people my age and younger have never heard of, things like ‘Torch Song Trilogy’ and ��Longtime Companion’, and stuff like that, movies from the seventies and eighties and the nineties, things that were like really influential for gay cinema that no one talks about. And you know, I'd like to talk about not just those movies but how they got made and stuff like that. I would love to do something like that.

I swear on my mother's grave that there will be no copying people, no copying pasting. Every source will be cited in a document and on screen. ‘Cause I usually liked doing the research. I loved doing research - reading the books and articles and stuff like that. I- the part of me that was lazy was the copy and paste part. Instead of just putting it into my words and citing them properly and giving them credit… that's where the laziness came in. That was- I wasn't trying to be malicious. That was just laziness. And I promise for anyone who does watch the videos that I make going forward… I promise that will never happen again. I welcome the highest level of scrutiny on the new videos.

…

As for Patreon, I’m going to reactivate it. Because I saw a lot of people on social media saying that I was probably going to reactivate it right on January 1st so that everyone could get a surprise billing and I could take the money and run. And, no. First of all that was never my plan and I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna reactivate it now so that anyone who wants to leave - which I imagine will be the vast majority - can leave and not have to worry about being billed again in January.

… Yeah. So. In closing. I'm again incredibly sorry... And again I'm not sorry because I was caught, I honestly didn't know how much I was hurting people… and how much harm I was bringing to the community, because that's not ever what I intended. I wanted the channel to be a safe place. I spent so much time deleting comments that were hateful

I recently found out that I wasn't being notified about- that I wasn’t seeing comments that were in replies to other comments so there were plenty of hateful comments in the comment section that were plenty hateful that I wasn’t seeing, and I didn't know that. But I wanted the channel to be a safe place and it ended up not being a safe place.

And for the misinformation, that kind of falls into two categories. 1. I did the wrong research in the historical things and other things they're not what I wrote.

Again, thank you to Hbomberguy and his team for making the fund for the writers. I'd like to try to contribute to that somehow so- if- if it's okay to make the videos public and send all of the- public and send all- it won't be all of videos ‘cause some of them had to be taken down because sponsors wanted them taken down, but I can put the videos back up with the sources properly put in either- for the I guess for the videos that would be going up from zero, I could actually put in sources for the videos, which would be good.

I guess I could- For the other ones that would just be made live again, I could put them in a pinned comment. ‘Cause I think people read pinned comments more than they read the descriptions, cause like the descriptions disappear in a lot of places. Something like that. Something so that I can try and- it won't make up for what I did but just. Something.

So I’m really really really sorry. I hurt a lot of people that I really respect and that really sucks. And.  Nick if you're watching this I know you're probably not but I miss you and…

Yeah I want to do better. I want- I want to do better. I want to prove that I can do better. I don't expect anyone to just give me the benefit of the doubt. But I want to show that I can do better, so I hope you'll let me do that.

Again, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that the things I did- I'm sorry that I disappointed you. I promise going forward I will do better.

Thanks for watching, and...

…

And I’m really sorry.

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey Chapter 6

Inspo: Lyrics - "Willow" (TS) "I'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans." Summary: (18+ ONLY FIC NO MINORS BEYOND THIS POINT) Winnie & Carmy have a late night phone conversation, Winnie contemplates her new situation with her closest friend, Winnie attends family night, Impresses Richies daughter with some Disney Princess behavior, Winnie admits she's learned more about Carmen then she's let on, Carmen and Winnie plan a night in together. W/C: 11K+ Posted: 02/16/24 A/N: Helloooo!!! It's here!! It's here!! Our first long juicy chapter!! I have realized with the pacing I've set, that the first of the smutty smut will happen *the next* chapter, sorry for the lead-on :( - but I promise it will be sooooo filthy and delish since I've made you wait for so long!!! Warnings for BTC: Heavy kissing, Swearing, Some fluff, some angst, thats pretty much it- smoking cigarettes? I guess.. and social drinking.

➜°✶ 🎀 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝒸𝓀 ♡𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝑀𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉❣ 🎀 ✶°

➜ 𝓒𝓪𝓽𝓬𝓱 𝓾𝓹 𝓸𝓷 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓕𝓲𝓿𝓮

✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀

Carm’s P.O.V -

As soon as she left I leaned against the door for a moment, rubbing my face and sighing deeply. 

What the fuck has been going on with me the last couple of days. What is my fucking fixation with her?

I grab the tray of dishes and open the door, looking at the time “Hey - you know your new toy thinks I’m a fuckin’ Berzatto” Richie laughs and I roll my eyes. “Very fuckin’ funny” I put the dishes in the sink. “I’ll be sure to fuckin’ straighten that shit out with her asap” I sigh deeply, looking over the kitchen and observing where everyone was in their prep for dinner.

“Chef” Syd says and I look over to her “Yo’ what's goin’ on” I clear my throat, hoping she’d forgotten about earlier. “I um- I just wanted to say sorry, ya know for - interrupting, whatever that-” I shake my head. “Nope, all good, all good. My fault I uh- sorry. It’s my bad, it won't happen again, work is more important.” she nods. 

“I was coming to um tell you - When I - anyway I was looking over the liquor order for tomorrow and I realized we really underordered, and I can't figure out where the math went wrong, and- “ 

“Syd” I sigh deeply, rubbing my chin. “Don’t worry, ok?” I said and took the clipboard from her. “Just go, go take a break- ok?” I said and she nodded slowly. “Are you… feeling alright?” she asked and I looked at her. “What?” I asked. “I don’t think you’ve ever asked me to take a break, I don’t think you’ve asked anyone to take a break. “ I shrugged. 

“Dunno, I just took one, a long break, maybe I’m fuckin refreshed. Go chef, go eat.” I said and made my way down the line. “Jeff” Tina said and smiled at me. “Yes, chef?” I raise my eyebrow. “So you’re not gonna mention the cute little thing that's pokin’ around here past 2 days? Who’s that you finally over your other girlfriend?” she asked and I swallowed thickly. 

“Chef,” I said sternly. “Not talkin’ about my personal life right now, where are you with your vegetable prep?” I asked, she rolled her eyes a bit. “Soo sensitive Jeff” She uncovered the 2 bowls in front of her already done. “Good. How did you see her anyway, we’ve been in my office…” I said curiously.

She smirked, “I have my ways, she’s cute, short, didn’t know you liked the small ones” she teased and I smiled a bit at the thought of her, “Tina, back to work and no more talk about who I bring around on my breaks, heard?” I ask. “Yes Jeff, loud and clear” she retorts. 

By the time the clock had hit 10:50, we were all cleaning, and Richie and Fak of course were shooting the shit as they cleaned their stations. “Dude so tell us about this Winnie the Pooh character man,” Fak says as he scrubs down the blacktop. “Firstly, don't fuckin’ call her that, secondly, none of your business- she's not a character, just a… a friend” I shrugged. 

“Hey Fak, do we nail?” Richie says and I glare at him. “We do not nail, have never, but you are totally nailing that chick, or want to.” I clench my jaw. “Cousin, why do you have the fattest loudest fuckin mouth in the entire kitchen?” I questioned. He shrugs, “Dude, it should call for celebration if you’re finally getting laid!!” I roll my eyes annoyed, “Shut the fuck up, just shut up about it dude you’re both pissin’ me off” I continued scrubbing down the sink. 

“Leave Jeff alone he can fall in love if he wants to love is beautiful Jeff I'm glad you're giving it another try after Claire that was so messy” Tina piped in and I groaned, “Tinaaa!! Stop! No can we all stop I have met this girl because she works across the fuckin street, she helped me with the menu because -” I try to come up with a reason that sounded better than ‘she reads’ when there are multiple members of the staff that read for fun. 

“Becauseee… she's cute?” Richie said and I threw my wet sponge at him. “Off my fucking back! All of you! “ I huffed and rinsed out the now sparkling sink. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you take a lunch break, Jeff, sorry! Thats last I’ll say” Tina teases with a smile. “ We aren’t in love but you know what I do love? Fucking sleeping! Can I get a clean fucking kitchen so we can all leave?” I ask and am hit with a chorus of “Yes Chef”.

By the time everything was said and done it was 12:40, Satisfied with the fact that I was off earlier than usual I got changed and made the short walk back to my apartment, I couldn’t help but glance at Winnie's apartment at the end of the street as I headed inside, all I’d been thinking about since she’d left was hearing her voice again, because even though the sour candy had helped, I felt like it had just pushed it further down, allowing me to hold it back for a more convenient time. 

I got in, taking a shower before crawling into bed for once. I took a deep breath, looking at my phone, not having realized Winnie had texted 4 hours ago now. I clicked on it and it opened, 

Sorry.. I just keep thinking about what happened earlier. Idk why I feel weird. 

I bit my lip, my mind darting between all the things she could possibly mean, was it the episode? Fuck I knew I didn’t let anyone see for a reason, but she seemed- like she would understand maybe? But why would I think that, I just met her, I don’t even trust Sugar like that. What if she was… rejecting me? I swallowed crossedly, and before I could realize what I was doing I had clicked on her contact and clicked call. 

I panic, not sure whether to just hang up and after just 3 rings I hear a sleepy “Carmy?” and my heart tightens. “Uh. Yeah- sorry, hey” I said smacking my palm to my forehead lightly idiot. “Hey” I heard her yawn. “How was work?” she asks softly. “It was..work. What do you mean about - why do you feel weird?” I asked and the line got silent for a moment, all I could hear on the other end is what sounded like rain. 

“Are you….sleeping in the shower?” I asked and she giggles. “Oh my god, so silly. It’s fuckin’ rain noise, a noise machine, it helps me sleep.” she said and I snort. “Oh thats…cute. But- yeah why d’you feel… weird?” I asked again and she sighs softly, getting quiet again. 

“I…don’t want to scare you away” she said finally and I furrow my brows in confusion, turning onto my side. “You couldn’t do that, Winnie, what’s wrong, talk to me” She takes a deep breath. “You know how… how you said you don't like being attached to anyone?” she asks quietly. I swallowed thickly, “Mmhmm” I hummed. “I get too attached, to people… and… I don’t think we’d be good for each other, now that you’ve told me,” she said sadly, and I felt my heart ache, my stomach turning with anxiety.

 “You won’t get attached to me though, if you meant what you said” I counter, looking at the shadow of the passing cars on the wall. “But I will, and - when you never want me I’ll hate myself.” she said quietly. “No. You’ll see who I am soon enough, and you’ll realize that it’s for the best that I’m not anyones boyfriend.” I said and rolled on my back, looking up at the ceiling. 

“It’s not about being my boyfriend! I don’t care” she huffed “Then what, Winnie?” I cross my arm over my chest “The day will come, that you meet a girl- and you do want her to be your girlfriend, and I’m going to be so attached to whatever we have, that it will break me for you to be with someone else.” she said softly. I chuckled a bit, “Winnie, I don't date. Ever” I replied, 

“How do you mean?” She asked, and I sighed softly. “I - I’ve never had a girlfriend, there was this girl I thought I wanted, her name was Claire, a-and I fucked it up with her last year, Really, really bad. She grew up with us, but she… I couldn’t - move. With her, you know?” I said. “She wasn’t letting you grow?” she asked softly, and I sighed in relief. “Thank you, exactly, yes.” I rub my jaw slightly. 

“But I did some really fucked up shit, and strung her along, and I fucked up at work a-and I can’t again, Winnie. I can’t “ I sighed, biting the inside of my cheek and cursing myself internally when it starts to bleed again. “I dunno.. Carm. I have abandonment issues” she said quietly and I snort. “You and me both” I said and sighed softly. “But… I -” I sigh deeply “Nevermind” I shook my head. “I’m sorry..f’waking you” I said.

“No” She replied “You did, because you wanted to, and you said you liked getting to know me..right?” she questioned. “Of course I do.. but - I don’t like answering questions as much as I like asking them to you…” I look over the bruised part of my arm that she had tended to last night and I hear her giggle. The sound sends butterflies through my stomach, and my chest lightened just a bit.

“Fine, question, for a question then, I’ll let you ask first” she mused and I smiled a bit. “So..you had alot of boyfriends growing up?” I asked, a bit nervous about the answer. I was not the most experienced in bed, I did Tinder in New York and had some god-awful experiences, but I was always willing to try things that were brought up, as long as they did the asking, I’d never share my internal desires with a hookup especially.

“Nope” she said popping the ‘p’ “My turn now?” she asked and I chuckled “No way! Hell no, if those are your answers I don’t wanna play” I said and she sighed, “Ok, ok, thought I’d give it a try…lets see, i’ve had 4 boyfriends total, 2 were in high school, so not sure if you can count those. One was more of a fling in college, and then my longest was my worst, learned my lesson about..older men.” she finished and I raised my eyebrows, “How much older?” 

She tisked “Hold it, it's my turn now” she said and I huffed. “Fine, what’s your question” I asked “And you better give me a solid answer like I gave you” she said and I snort “Yes ma’am, c’mon, ask away.” I said. “What did you do to Claire?” she asks and my blood runs cold, my stomach turning to lead and I swallow thickly.

“Uhhh” I said, trying to come up with an answer that sounded as least prick like as I possibly could. As if she could read my thoughts, she said “Pure, honesty, Carm. All of you. Remember?” I bit down on my lip. “Yeah I…kinda- I don’t- don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t want her anymore, just…” I lick my lips trying to find the words. “I’m…guilty” I said “I-I feel, guilty, for what I did, and it was because she…she wanted to be with me, and I-I saw her, as like a…jumping off point, and I never intended her to want me how she wanted me, and I” I take a deep breath, feeling that burning anxiety in my chest.

“So..you lied to her about how you felt?” she asked and I sighed, “Yes, horribly, fully lied. Winnie, and it’s so so bad… when we first opened last year, we had the first family, I was so-” I swallow hard, “Distracted, with trying to get myself to like her… that I fucked up, and didn’t call the fridge guy, and I locked myself in the walk-in, a-and” I shake my head, “And?” she said softly.

“I thought I was talking to Tina, one of my sophomore chefs- about how I felt, and I was honest, because shes Tina, and I told her that I- I didn’t want her, and I never did, and she was right fucking there.” I sighed deeply and she was silent for a moment. “Do- do you- Really want me to come to family, or do you want to prove to yourself that you have it in you to hide your feelings well enough again until you decide what you really want?” she asked, her voice just above a whisper.

I swallow, my chest tightening at what I was about to do but I didn’t want to answer that because I wasn’t sure how, “It’s my turn now.” I said and bit my lip. “N-no- you can ask two- answer, Carmen” she said her voice trembling and my stomach drops. “I don’t know Winnie, I- I don’t want to hide from you, i’ve never- I-I never did this with Claire, talked to her.” I said and sit up a bit. 

“Ask me your two” she said, her tone different then before. “No- no just one…” I said “H-how…why do you think our souls know eachother?” I asked, not even knowing where it came from before it came out. She quiets for a moment, before saying “I dunno… a feeling, like- why can we talk like this right now?” she asked and I think on it for a moment. “Not sure” i reply. 

“Why did you say you won’t talk to me every day, but we’ve been in such close contact the last 3 days?” she asked softly, I rubbed my chin in contemplation. “Because when I inevitably fuck up and piss you off, I’m not the guy that's gonna run to you and bring you flowers- a-and beg for your forgiveness because I won’t deserve it, so I’ll run and hide, and i’ll only ever try to get you to forgive me if you tell me you - like.. Want me in your life still” I sighed. 

“Well.. I won’t beg for your apology but i’ll ask you if you’re sorry if you hurt me” she replied, and I found myself smiling lightly. “You always know what t’say” I look at the clock on my phone, 27 minutes already. 

I heard her yawn, “Hey, I think you’re right Winnie, about- the soul thing..I was gonna let you go but just one more thing” I look at the flower on my arm. “I realized… that- you make me feel the same peace..that Mikey did, because…because - it’s so stupid, but when you poked my arm yesterday? You- you poked the flower that I got, for him. And I had one of those- attacks, before you got there…and after you were there- I realized, that… that Mikey used to help me outta those when I was little.” I admitted, the words spilling out like word vomit. It could be deliriousness from not getting much sleep the past few days and all the stress at work. 

“Mmm…see?” she mumbles sleepily “Thats how you know, that poke was Mikey tellin’ you,” she said softly. “Ye’...I dont usually think about shit like that but uh…I dunno- I wanted to tell you, thank you for being there for me by the way.” I said and she let out a sleepy “mmhm” 

“Alright, sorry again f’wakin’ you, I’ll see ya’ tomorrow ok? 4?” I asked. 

“4, Night Carmy” she said softly. “Night, Winnie” I said and hung up.

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ 

Winnie’s P.O.V -

I woke up to the sound of my usual 7 am alarm. I rubbed my eyes groggily, grabbing it and hitting the ‘stop’ button. Did I dream that Carmen called me last night and opened up to me? I hit my call log, to see a 29:28 conversation with none other, then Carmen. I bit my lip gently, 

You always know what t’say 

His voice echos in my mind. I sit up in bed, rubbing Sephys silky soft fur absentmindedly as I think. I sat there for a few minutes going over the parts of the conversation I could remember through my sleepiness, and before I knew it I was opening up my messages and clicking on his name.

GM, excited to be wined&dined tn, Chef. See ya @ 4 

I got up, getting my day started. I took my pills, showered, brushed my teeth, and put on some comfortable black yoga pants and a way oversized ‘Chiefs Kingdom’ hoodie, slicking my hair into a claw clip. I fed Persephone per usual, making myself some coffee. 

I was leaned at my kitchen island, watching tik toks while I sip my coffee, when my phone buzzed. My mind meets Carm’s notification at the top.

Morn - since ik you’ve never had Caviar, I think tn will be alot of firsts for you. 

I bit my lip, of course he meant ingredients, like fancy shit- he can tell I have an unexpirienced pallate. But… I couldn’t help but go to the more dirty firsts that I could be having. Getting fucked in a walk in freezer? Maybe…rough office sex? I shake my head, smirking at my own filthy ideas. But I still love to tease, and I can do that by leaving more to his imagination.

We can only pop so many cherrys in one night before I get worn out, Chef.

I smirked at the little delivered under the message, clicking back on to my tiktok live of this fabulous farmer who was always dancing with his animals. I finished off my coffee, grabbing my purse and taking my headphones putting them on. I just wanted to drown in music on this walk, to silence my thoughts. 

“Love you honey!” I called to sephy as I walk out the door. I bounce down the stairs, opening the door and taking a deep breath of the crisp march air. Spring was finally starting to bloom. I smiled, seeing my next door neighbor, Ms.Mendoza waiting for her little weenie dog to do potty in the patch of grass. 

I took off my headphones for a moment, “Good Morning Miss Mendoza, How are you?” I chirp and she smiles upon seeing me, her tan wrinkled skin crinking up at the corners of her eyes in a smile. “Good Morning my Sunshine, I am well thank you so much for bringing his dog food up, honey” she said and I pull her in to a hug, kissing her cheek. “Any time! I love this little guy and he’s gotta eat, right Kidlat?” I squat next to the little black dog and pet his head. He jumps on my legs making me giggle as he licks my hands. 

“Oh, Sunshine- I hate to ask you, but I need some more detergent, do you think you can get some for me?” she asked and I look up at her, nodding with a smile. “Course! I’ll be home early today, in a few hours actually. I’ll swing by the store on the way home” I stood up and she cupped my cheek. “You are such a good girl, Mahal” she said, causing me to smile. 

“And you are such a wonderful lady, Miss Mendoza, I’ll see you ok?” I said and gave her a quick hug before heading off. It wasn’t likely that she saw Carm and I with her bad vision in the dark, for that which I was thankful, because she hasn’t stopped pesking me about a boyfriend whenever I help her clean her apartment in the places she cant get down on her hands and knees anymore. And considering where Carmen stands on the word boyfriend - It would make me crazy to dodge all her questions with him on my mind. 

I hum along to my music as I continued down, mumbling the lyrics to myself. I finally get to the store, opening the door since my coworker, Sadie was already here. “Hey Pooh!” she said and I smiled. “SadieBug!” I said happily taking my headphones off. “How was Cape Cod?” I asked and she smiled. “Really great! I love seeing my grandparents, they’re awesome” she said. Sadie’s smile was so pretty. “You’re gonna have to show me pictures” I said, putting my purse down in my usual spot behind the counter.

“Totally, what’s been goin’ on with you? Alot change here in 3 weeks?” she joked. She’d usually expect nothing of an answer, especially because she was my only friend, we work together, and the only time I didn’t see her was on our days off which was 2 a week. “Uh.. not- particularly” I said the end sounding a bit like a question. 

“Okay, so tea? What’s goin’ on?” She asked and it brings a small smile to my lips. I feel so relieved. I completely forgot that Sadie was coming home this week, and would be starting back with me today. My ADHD makes it to where if I don’t see or hear from someone even someone I love as dearly as SadieBug they completely skip my mind. 

I silently thank myself for not calling her the other night at 2 am when I got back from my date with Carm, she hates being woken up. “So. Ok so on break on Tuesday I saw this hot guy smoking and so I talked to him and - he invited me in to his restaurant, you know, The Bear -“ She cuts me off. 

“The restaurant - that Sydney works at?” She asks and my eyebrows raise, jaw dropping and I smack my hand over my mouth. “Oh my god” I mumble into my hand, eyes wide. Sydney. That was where I’d seen that girl. She’s Sadie’s fucking cousin.  “Who - who.” She asks. 

“C-Carmen Berzatto” I said and she slaps her hand over her mouth. “Noooo” I whine “nooo- no. Sadie! Sadieee. What? What?!” I ask desperately. “Syd totally had a crush on him- do you remember last year when she was telling us about her super hot boss that she had a thing for but he was dating this girl he knew from childhood?” She questions and I run my hands through my hair in stress. 

“Oh- oh my god! Is she- she’s gonna hate me. I-“ my heart sinks to my stomach, my coffee suddenly wanting to make a reappearance. “She- I mean. Is dating…I guess” Sadie said and I groan. “DATING?! So? So one of my only friends- granted she works so much we’ve only hung out twice with you there but…but- nonetheless!! She had a crush on the only guy that I’ve like- MADE OUT WITH since moving here?” I looked around terrified, thanking the lord the store was empty besides us. 

Sadie starts to giggle “wait- wait…ok no forget Syd, you made out with the owner of The Bear ?! The guys loaded Pooh!!!” She said and I feel my cheeks heat. “I don’t- yes! We did. And I don’t care about his money.” I said and shook my head, walking over to relock the door since we were taking inventory today. “Okkayyyy but still. Is he..any good? Sydney wanted a piece of that Italian hunk sooo bad” she jokes and I snort. 

“He would die being called an Italian Hunk. But…yes. Very good. Can you believe he’s shy - like- he’s never had a real girlfriend” I said and she raised her eyebrows. “Mmmm- first red flag, noted and saved in my mental flag folder,” she cuts open a box of books for us to stock and I roll my eyes. “He’s just…passionate about work and stuff. And he- is like. So good. So good” I said and she nods. 

“Second red flag, the Carmen Berzatto folder has many do you know how many times Syd ranted to me about him and I just didn’t tell you because it was private conversations- but now since you seem to have a crush on him, I need you to be fully aware” she said and I sigh deeply. “Lay it on me then, because I’m supposed to be seeing him again tonight.” I said. She stood up from her crouched position on the floor. 

“Fucking family?” She asked and my head snaps in her direction “How- fuck!” I rest my hand on my forehead. “Yeah? I’m actually family- I should be asking how you got invited!!” She said and I bit my lip. “He doesn’t- invite…people?” I asked and she laughed, sarcastically. “Dude. The last time he invited anyone it was that girl he was dating, and he aired out all of his red flag shit- and she ran in the other direction!!” She said and I felt my heart thumping in my throat. 

“Claire?” I asked and her eyebrows raised “You know her too?” She asked and I shook my head, “no- no he…he told me about her..last night” I said and swallowed hard. “How many times have you seen him?” She asked “3…” I replied and she put her hands on top of her head, pacing in front of the counter. 

“He's- he’s not good for you and you should stop this, Winnie,” she said and I crossed my arms. “What if he’s changed, Sadie?” I ask and she stops, putting her hands on her hips. “Sydney wouldn’t have moved on if he changed. She was waiting for him to change to tell him her feelings and he never did - that’s why she started dating Alex” she said and I bit my lip. 

“He doesn’t even want anything…we’re just- we’re friends.” I said and she rolled her eyes “I’m not gonna play that game with you, Winnie. Here you go again, We’re just friendsing your way around a situationship- and then when he finally gets cold feet and runs in the other direction, who’s gonna be left heartbroken?” She asked and I sighed softly, knowing she was completely right. 

“Well…I dunno Sadie. We’ll see! Right- tonight. And if he…if…if it doesn’t feel right I’ll stop it ok? I’ll- I’ll tell him I don’t want to see him anymore” I said, wanting it to be true but knowing how I felt when it was just Carmen and I. She shrugged “I know you, Pooh, and you love a man who needs fixing.” She said and I rolled my eyes. 

“Okay!! Reading me at fuckin, what is it” I look at the clock “9:17!! He doesn’t- okay. He needs to fix himself and I will remove myself from the situation if he treats me poorly! Because broken people deserve love while they’re putting themselves together” I echo my therapist's words to her. She rolled her eyes. “That only works if you actually follow through and don’t give him a million chances when he hurts you and then doesn’t immediately correct the behavior,” she said.

I squat next to her, scanning each new book as I put it on the bottom row of the cart. “You’re right, and I will if he hurts me I’m out! Peace the fuck out and never look back!” I said and she smiled “okayyy..hopefully you mean that” she replied. The next few hours were filled with light pleasant conversation about her trip to the cape, how her family had been doing, and running back and forth to the stock room with stacks of books. 

Our half-day went by quickly, even with no customers to fill the hour's conversation with Sadie seemed to make time pass well. I stood behind her as she locked the door to the shop and we continued our conversation about a video on tik tok she saw “And so I don’t even know how people could say that they would have done something different, if I was in her shoes I’d have punched her too!” She said and I laughed “We both would have. Fuck that bitch” I roll my eyes. 

“Well. Here’s where we part.” She said and I pouted “I know…but see you in a few hours right?” I said and she nodded “Yup, I’ll save you a seat- just….if Syd is a little weird don’t - don’t take offense ok? The Carmen thing is still fresh for her and I know she’ll be happy he’s moving on it’s just…it’ll be raw that it’s with someone she knows” she said and I nodded quickly, swallowing hard. 

“Course- I’d never hold it against her. And I- I hope it doesn’t…make things bad for us. I really like her.” I said and she pulled me into a hug “She’ll get over it, don’t worry, you know how we don’t respect men- we’d never let them come before our girls” she said and I giggled “100% chick. I gotta go grab detergent for Ms.Mendoza, I’ll see you there” I said and she nodded, heading the opposite way down the street. 

I head the other way, going into a CVS and grabbing the tide scented pods that Ms.Mendoza liked before heading home. I put my headphones on and hum softly to myself swinging the bag next to me. I finally hauled up the 3 flights to my floor, slightly out of breath. I approached Ms.Mendozas door, knocking slightly and Kidlat starts barking. “One second” she called and I heard her shuffling over to the door. 

The lock clicks and she opened it, her grey hair up in curlers “oh! Sunshine, thank you dear” she said and I handed her the bag, she stretches a $10 bill to me and I push it back towards her. “No- it’s ok, you’re always makin’ me dinner” I told her and she smiled warmly. “You need to eat better young lady” she said and pinched my cheek, causing me to smile. “Do you want to come in and have some lunch?” She asked and I shook my head. 

“Sorry, I’d love to but I’ll be having a big dinner tonight, I’m going to a restaurant to meet a friend,” I said and her eyes lit up. “A boyfriend?” She asked and I blushed lightly “No- no not like that, he’s just… a nice friend,” I said softly and she nodded. “Well…the best boyfriends always start as friends, Mahal,” she said and I smiled, “that’s right Ms.Mendoza…I’ll see you,” I said and headed into my apartment. 

I greet Persephone, giving her a few pebbles of treats and flicking her mouse around for her for a few minutes before heading to my closet to pick out an outfit. I bit my lip, looking over the choices. I finally settled on a little black dress, complete with fluffy cuffs and a black ribbon to tie in my hair. 

I headed to the bathroom, singing and dancing along to Taylor Swift as I blew out my waist-length red hair to perfection, adding in some frizz serum to make it extra soft and silky, as well as smell like milk and honey which I loved. I used to hate my red hair, my brother and I both got bullied for it when we were younger. I’d heard every name in the book, carrot top even followed me into adulthood when I met an immature prick now and again. But since I’d grown, I’d made it my thing. I got it highlighted with blonde in the winter to match how it looks in the summer naturally, and in the summer those pieces get even brighter giving me a sunkissed look. 

I look at the clock, 3:04 doing ok on time. I heard my phone buzz and the little ‘pop’ notification sounding over my speaker. I pick it up, clicking on the text from Carmen. 

Don’t worry, one thing I am good at is delayed gratification - wouldn’t want to overwhelm you on your first time ;)

My stomach flutters in excitement, my core twitching and growing hot with arousal. Fuck. I swallow thickly. 

Leaving in 30! 

Was all I sent back and locked my phone. I did light face makeup, like usual letting my freckles that spotted my cheeks and nose shine through, and added highlight to the high points of my face. I did a sharp dramatic wing, and put on some whispy lashes. Completely transforming myself, from a doe eyed sweetheart- into a sultry Jessica Rabbit. I put on my Haus red liquid lipstick after putting on a deep maroon liner, knowing that once it dried it wouldn’t be moving no matter what direction this night took me until I wanted it gone. 

I went in to the bedroom, putting on a lacy red thong and push-up bra set, adjusting my chest to look full and robust before carefully slipping on my sparkly black nylons. I put on my dress, zipping up the side and smoothing it out, I went over to the mirror, taken aback by myself. I look stunning. It wasn’t often that I allowed myself to go all out, I didn’t like the attention it brought since I was more of a casual person. But this. I understand what people mean when they say you feel sexy. 

I put on my favorite perfume, one that I saved for extra special occasions. It was a French perfume that my grandmother bought me when I was 15, I couldn’t pronounce the name- all I knew was that my last spray I’d use on my wedding day, and I’d only use it when I really needed confidence any day before then. I spray on my pulse points, letting it dry down before gently inhaling the smell of honeycomb, dark rum, vanilla, and sandalwood. It was the best smell in the world to me, I love this perfume. 

I switched over all of my contents to a small black leather night bag I had, going and grabbing my phone off the charger. I slipped on some black stiletto heels, buckling around the ankle and I headed out to the kitchen where Persephone was lounging on the couch. 

“Hi missy” I said and she meowed, getting up and stretching before walking over to me. I crouched down, petting her. “Dinner time early tonight,” I said softly and she darted into the kitchen causing me to giggle. I go in, putting her food in to the bowl and setting it down for her petting her back. “Be home soon yeah?” I said softly and check the time on my phone. 3:48. I stood up, giving myself one more look in the hall mirror. 

Knock ‘em dead, Win’ 

I heard Christopher’s voice in my mind and I smiled, adjusting my hair. “Knock ‘em dead…” I whisper to myself before heading out the door. 

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿

I got to the front door of The Bear and knocked gently, Richie looks over and smiles, coming and unlocking it. “Hey you! You look snappy huh? Nice dress!” He said and I smiled big. “Why thank you, you look very handsome, Richie” I said and gave him a quick hug as I head through the door. “Thanks! Clean up pretty good don’t I?” He jokes and I giggle “very, where’s little chef boy?” I asked and he snorts “back in his office, fucker came in extra early this morning we’re running 2 hours ahead of schedule for once” he said and a little girl comes racing from the kitchen. 

“Daaaddyyy look at this!!” She squeals and he picks her up admiring he picture she was proudly holding. “Look at that munchkin!! Is that you and Cousin Carmy in the kitchen?” He asks and she nods “making pancakes!!” She said happily and I smiled warmly. “Who’s this little tatertot?” I asked and she giggled. 

“My daughter! Meet Eva” he said and I smiled, holding out my hand to her. “Wonderful to meet you, Eva.” I said and she takes my hand shaking it gently “My name is Winnie” I smiled. “Winnie like Winnie the Pooh?” She asked cutely and I giggle “yes! Exactly like that!” I said and she wiggles away from Richie to get down and looks up at me. 

“Are you princess Ariel?” She asked, causing me to giggle “well I wish” I crouch down to her height. “You talk like a princess” she said and I smile “wanna know a secret?” I whisper and she leans in, nodding. “When I was in school…I learned how to sing like a princess, do you want to hear?” I asked and she gasped. “Yes!! Please please!!” She begs.  I nodded happily. 

“Do you like Princess Ariel?” I asked and she nodded enthusiastically. “Ok..” I clear my throat, taking her hands in mine and softly started singing to her 

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collections complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl, the girl who has everything? Look at this trove, treasures untold, how many wonders can one cavern hold? Lookin around here you’d think-“ I poke her belly, causing her to giggle before I continued “sure, she’s got everything! I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I’ve got whosits and what’s its galore- you want thingamabobs? I’ve got 20! But who cares, no big deal- I want more” I finished and she claps, Richie staring at me intently. 

“Well shit.” He said “daddy! That’s a bad word- will you marry her? Be her prince Eric!” Eva said and tugged his pant leg. I giggled “sorry sweetheart, I’m no real princess. But I’m happy to sing like one for you any time” I said and got up, smoothing down my dress. “She’s right you might be a princess I’ve never heard someone sing like that before” Richie said causing me to blush. 

“Well, I was in theater all my life so.. yeah” I clear my throat with a shy smile. “Uh I’m gonna-“ I point to the kitchen and he nods “yeah- yeah f’sure. Sorry didn’t mean to keep you” he said and I shook my head “no! Not at all. Love a little song I don’t get to do it much anymore” I extended my hand to Eva, shaking hers gently. “It was a pleasure to meet you, young lady.” I said and she smiled. “Will you sing for us at dinner?” She asked and my cheeks went beet red “honey-“ Richie started “no- no honey she’s here to enjoy the food with us yeah?” He rubs her shoulder and she pouted. 

“Someday we can sing together okay?” I told her softly and she nodded happily. I went back to the kitchen, opening the door. Surprised to see trays upon trays of food sitting under the warmers waiting to be plated, and all the staff except for Carmen was standing around the large island talking. When the door swings shut they look up at me, Sydney’s eyes widen and I swallowed thickly. 

“Uh- Winnie?” She said “Syd!!” I said and smiled, hoping if I acted happy to see her she’d do the same. “What are you…oh- holy shit.” She said realizing. “You- you were” I shook my head a bit, widening my eyes hoping she got the message. “Yeah. Just..Here. For..for Carmen.” I get out awkwardly and she nodded. “It’s nice to finally meet you!” A short woman with black curly hair says. “I’m Tina” she comes over extending her hand to me. 

I smiled and shook it gently “Winnie” I said softly. “Carmen’s in the office you can go on back” Sydney said flatly and I swallowed hard, nodding “thank you.” I said meekly and walked back, feeling the burning stare of their eyes on me as I headed to the office the only sound being the buzz of the lights and the click of my heels. 

I should have went out back and texted him. Why on earth would I want to meet everyone on my own instead of him introducing me?!

I opened and shut his office door behind me, desperate to get their prying eyes off my back and Carmen looks up from his desk, his eyes widening a bit as he racked over me. I look at him and smile a bit, he looked so hot. His Chefs Whites were ironed to perfection, his curls were slicked back neatly and he looked a bit rested for once. “Hey” I said softly, finally breaking the silence. 

“Hey…” he replied, eyes continuing to rack over my frame “you look…” he said, swallowing thickly. “Nice- r-really pretty” he said and I smiled, nodding a bit. “You look really handsome” I said and approached him, “thank you” he said softly a blush creeping in to his cheeks. “So…I met- like. Tina. She introduced herself. And - well. I know Syd.” I said and his eyes widened “you- you know Syd? How?” He asked. 

“Oh- ah yeah her cousin, Sadie? She’s come for family before…she works with me” I said. He nodded a bit, eyes unable to read. “C’mere” he opened his arms and I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around him. 

He rests his hands on my waist, pulling me into his lap causing me to giggle “woah! Hey I’m in a dress remember” I keep my knees together and he holds my legs for me nearly cradling me in his huge chair. “Thank you f’comin” he said and kisses my forehead sweetly. I blushed at the sweet, domestic like gesture and nod. “Course…how could I say no to some denied gratification… is that how you said it?” I said softly and my eyes flicker to his lips. 

He smiled a bit “thats it” he strokes my thigh gently “these are nice” he said softly and I adjust his chain. “That always stays front and center when you’re around” he said and I look up at him with a smirk on my lips. “Gotta make sure you don’t loose anything” I whisper and he leans in a bit, stopping just above my lips. 

“Am I gonna ruin this lipstick if I kiss you?” He asks softly, his breath hot on my lips. I pull him in by his collar, kissing him hard and running my tongue along the bottom of his lip. He hums and opens for me, and my tongue meets his immideately, tasting the reminence of a cigarette on his tongue. I hummed in satisfaction, nuzzling my nose against his sweetly and I feel him smile against my lips. I pull away and smiled, fluttering my eyelashes playfully. 

“How’s the lipstick,Chef?” I asked and made a kissy face. “Perfect. Wow. Where’d you get that stuff?” He asked and pecked my lips for good measure. “Lady Gaga darling” I said dramatically and got up off his lap, fixing my dress. “Let’s go smoke” I took his lighter from my bra that I’d lifted from his pocket while we were kissing “robbed ya” I smirk and he chuckled. 

“You are a sneak” he got up patting my bum with his hand and I squeak at the contact “you are getting too aquainted with my ass, Chef” I giggle a bit and he shrugged “you have a nice ass” he said and I rolled my eyes tugging the door open. I felt the lump in my throat as all eyes in the kitchen turn to us. He looks at the clock. 

“Alright uh- appetizers let’s get em plated, I want everyone at their stations. Let’s keep up with the housekeeping tonight so we can get outta here on time yeah? We’ve been ahead a’schedule let’s keep it that way.” He tells them. 

“Yes Chef” they said getting to work Sugar comes in the kitchen “Bear- oh! Hey!! Wowww you look cute!” She said with a smile. I blushed a bit. “Thank you, you look cute too” I told her. “What’sup Sugar” he looks at her. 

“Oh I just wanted to say- great job tonight. Everything is like…perfect.” He nodded “thanks…” he muttered and tugged my arm gently “be proud of yourself, Bear. Really. Be proud.” She said sincerely and he nods. “Thanks, Sugar” I followed him outside and he sighed softly. 

“She’s…right. You know that, right?” He took his cigarettes out, putting one between his lips and I lit it for him. “It’s not all me” he said once he exhaled. I crossed my arms over my waist “it is though, Carmen. You are the first one here and the last to leave, you are the person everyone looks to, when we walk out- it’s like sheep waiting to be told what to do next. They respect you Carmen. No one back talks you, no one asks why- they trust your decisions in there” 

He takes in my words, looking down at our shoes as he smoked. “You run a beautiful business, Carmen. Really” I said honestly and rest my hand on his bicep. His cheeks heat, the bridge of his nose turning pink with blush. “Thank you” he said softly. “Really, means a lot” he said and I nodded, smiling a bit. I took a joint out of my purse, leaning in and lighting it on his cigarette before taking a drag. 

“So, Chef Berzatto what do you have in store for me today?” I asked and he smirked at my words. “I wouldn’t want to ruin all the surprises” he said and I took another drag. “Fine but get me in the mood, make me wet, chef- my palate. You know.” I said in a sultry teasing tone. His mouth dropped at my words getting a giggle out of me. “You have a dirty mouth” he leans in and kissed me deeply, I hum in to the kiss, gently playing with the pendant around his neck. 

“Maybe you have a dirty mind” I said when he pulled away and he shook his head with a smirk. “For an appetizer” he started and took a drag of his cigarette “Gladolia Petals, and spicy violet pearls, and grilled leek, aubergine, and mushrooms” he said smoke spilling from his lips in tendrils. 

“Flowers?” I questioned and he nodded with a amused smile that I was interested. “Mmhmm, edible ones of course” he said. “Hm” I hum. “No wonder you’re so fit, eating like a king all the time” I teased, taking another drag of my joint. He laughs a bit “no- no. I don’t eat- I taste. I eat…honestly I eat like shit” he said and I furrow my eyebrows. 

“You don’t have a super nice lunch like we had together every day?” I asked and he shook his head “oh- no way. I eat when I get home and it’s usually like” he snorts “a fuckin pb and j or a microwave burrito, I eat like..pure shit.” He said and I look at him puzzled. “Why?” I asked and he shrugged, taking another drag of his cigarette. “No time. Well - not worth it to have groceries im not home to use I guess.” He said and leaned against the wall. 

I lean forward, squeezing his bicep “so…peanut butter and jelly diet huh?” I said and he chuckled. “Well yeah. I just….i work out when I can’t sleep so. Yeah. Guess it pays off being an insomniac” he smiled and I rest my head on the wall, taking another drag off my joint. 

“You’re fascinating” I said softly. He smirks “why’s that?” He asked. “Well for starters- I did google you, considering when I looked up this place- there were all these articles about how you’re this decorated chef with alll these achievements and titles. And so I was like who is this big-shot? And I googled your name…and I filtered it by oldest- and it’s like you didn’t- exist. Before 2016. Nothing. Nothing in school, no sports, no clubs, no community service. But then in 2016, there was an article about you in your culinary school paper, how you were top of your class that semester. And then all these articles about how you just won award after award, and…. I just- how? How did you do it, Carmen? Where did you come from?” I asked finally. 

He took a deep breath, “A lot of it has to do with my brother, let’s talk about it tonight ye’? I promise, promise I’ll tell you” he put out the butt of his cigarette and I dropped the end of mine crushing it. “Ok…are we- am I gonna be able to see you tonight?” I asked and he nods. “ ‘course baby don’t worry. I’m gonna bring you your food and everything yeah?” He pulls me to him, resting his hands on my bum. I nod and look up at him, “like…after-can we…hang out?” I asked. 

He nodded a bit “sure- sure if you wanna. I don’t have to work tomorrow but I’m probably gonna be outta here at 11” he played with the hemp of my dress. I bit my lip, contemplating asking for a moment before I just bit the bullet. 

“Come over? To mine? You can meet Persephone…” I said and he smiled a bit “didn’t know you had a pet” he said and I gasp “I never showed you?” I dig my phone out of my purse excitedly and open my phone showing him my Home Screen.

 “Your eyes are just like hers” I giggle and he smiled, blushing a bit. “She’s super cute.” He said and I put my phone back in my bag. “Sure. I’ll probably need to shower first so how’s like midnight?” He asked, pulling me back to him gently. “That’s fine.” I said and leaned in, kissing him sweetly. The door opened and Richie pokes his head out. “Hey- sorry lovebirds. It’s 5:02 everyone’s gettin settled in. Winnie you might wanna go sit so you don’t miss appetizers.” I nodded “thanks” I said and look at Carm again. 

“Kick ass out there, Chef” I said with a smile and head back in after Richie. 

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿

I sat down at the table with Sadie and her boyfriend, Mitch. “Hey guys” I said smiling “hey! You look cute!” She said and I smiled, looking at her lavender dress. “So do you! Love that color on you” I said and Sydney came over with a tray of drinks. “From Chef Carmen.” She said evenly, placing a cup in front of me. Spicy mint margarita with a pink umbrella, just like we had the other night. “Thank you” I said softly, putting my straw in and she sets down Sadie and Mitch’s dark blue looking drink. 

“This is the house cocktail, coconut rum, vodka, and cream soda” she told them, Sadie nodded “Thanks Syd! This looks awesome” she said and Sydney nodded, smiling a bit. “I’ll be back with your appetizers in a moment.” She said and went off to the kitchen. I tried my drink, looking over at Sadie. “So…” she said softly. 

“How’d it…go” she asked and I bit my lip gently. “Good…we talked, apparently we’re gonna eat flowers” I said and Mitch scrunched his nose. “Babe your cousin is in to fancy shit” he said to Sadie and she rolled her eyes “We talked about this, if you’re still hungry when we go home then we’ll stop” she said and Sydney approaches our table once again with a platter of plates. 

“Gladioli’s petals with spicy violet pearls” she places a plate in front of Sadie, then Mitch, when she places a much bigger one in front of me I gasp softly. The same sauce that was in tiny dots atop the petals had been painted in to a portrait of Winnie the Pooh, ‘Winnie’ written in beautiful cursive on the side of the plate. 

“Holy shit” Sadie whispered, admiring it. “Compliments of Chef Carmen, Enjoy.” Sydney went off back to the kitchen and I bit my lip to contain the smile that was forming. “Well that dude is dick-whipped” Mitch says, earning himself a kick in the shin from Sadie. “Shut it!” She hissed. “That is actually like…cute..Pooh” she smiled a bit, causing me to blush. 

“Yeah…” I said in response, carefully eating around the art. “Wow” I muttered “This is weird, tastes like spicy garlic” She said and I smile. “I’ll be sure to give the chef your notes” I nod. “It kinda does though, I agree.” I hum. I slip my phone out of my purse, taking a photo of the plate and sending it to Carmen.

Here I was thinking you weren’t a romantic type, you’re a sap Berzatto!! 

I smiled as I hit send, putting my phone back in my purse. I finished off my drink, and when the next round came out there was a waitress with curly brown hair bringing us the food. “Hello, I’m sure you were greeted by who invited you this evening, Here we have the second part of the appetizer, grilled leek, aubergine, and mushrooms with a cream sauce.” She puts a plate down in front of each of us. 

“My name is Tara, I will be your waitress for the rest of the evening. Miss, would you like another of your cocktail?” she motioned to my drink, I nodded “Uh- sure! Yeah, thank you” I smiled and handed her my cup and she went off to the bar. Sadie scrunches her nose in a way I knew she would at the dish which makes me laugh. “Sadie!” I whisper between giggles. “Stop- we have to try it, if Syd sees our plates untouched shes gonna be so mad!” I said and she started laughing quietly but I could tell she was holding back by the little squeaks that were coming out.

“Ssssadie!!!” I cover my mouth to cover my laugh. “Stop it!” I whisper and pick up my fork, cutting a piece of it and putting it in my mouth. “Ok, it's not bad just…earthy- you’re not gonna like it” I said and she pushed her plate away. I took one more bite before deciding it wasn’t for me and pushing it aside. Bussers came to all the tables taking the empty plates and the waitress comes back with my drink. 

“Thank you” I smiled, “Of course- The head chef requested he personally bring out your meals to this table, it should be out momentarily, in the meantime would you like another drink?” She asked Mitch, since Sadie had barely touched hers. “Yeah sure but um- a beer is fine, just Miller lite” he said and she nodded, taking his empty glass to the bar and coming back with the beer before returning to the kitchen.

“Oooo he’s comin’ to bring you your food - we didn’t even see him last time I was here” she said and I felt my cheeks heating “See! I told you he’s nice, and he’s gonna ask how we’re liking everything, and you better not laugh!” I give her a look although I was trying to hide a smile. She starts giggling again “Then don't look at me!!!” she said causing me to laugh and the door swings open, the waiters and waitresses all filing out to tables and Carm was at the end of the line.

I smiled at him, before breaking my gaze and looking at Sadie shooting her a don’t giggle! Look. He approaches the table “Hey you” He said softly and I smiled, “Everything is awesome, Carm” I said quietly for only us to here and he smiled “I’m glad you’re enjoying” he puts the plates down in front of us. “So we have for your main course, Roe Deer in a salt crust, crunchy Cavolo Nero, a Hazlenut pesto, and Celeriac” he said and I furrow my brows, He leans down “It’s really just deer steak, kale, pesto, and grilled celery root baby, we just say it fancy” he whispered in my ear and I smiled looking at him, my whole body covered in goosebumps by the use of the intimate name.

“Chefs, are the art bro’s of food” I said softly and he chuckled a bit. “Enjoy your meal” He told us and went back to the kitchen. “This taste like a potato” Sadie said, eating some of what I now knew was celery root. “I guess its a fancy celery root” I said and cut up my steak. I hum at the flavor, our whole table growing quiet as did most of the restaurant as we enjoy the meal. At the end of the course the buspeople came out again and collected the empty plates, before the waitresses came shortly after with the dessert.

She placed my plate down last again, this time, my chocolate cake had a heart drawn in chocolate sauce next to it, causing me to smile and blush. “He’s… like- actually in to you, Winnie” Sadie said, observing my plate. “I dunno- it’s it could be flirting” I shook my head with a smile, taking a bite of the delicious cake. “Wow… this is great” Sadie said and I nodded “mmm- absolutely…I’m gonna need Carmen to give me some of this again” I said and took out my phone, seeing he’d replied to my text.

Only with extra pretty girls who share their sour candy 

I smiled at the thoughtful reminder of yesterday, quickly typing and sending a response.

Can’t wait till 12 to see you- can I pay my compliments to the Chef before I go?

I slipped my phone back in my purse, continuing to talk with Sadie and Mitch about different pop culture things and the gossip of what's going on in our lives at the moment. I nibbled on my chocolate cake, feeling fuller by the second and knowing I’d never be able to finish it. 

I heard my phone buzz in my purse and put my fork down, fishing it out and looking at Carmens response

Course I just have to thank everyone for coming & everyone says their goodnights 

I locked my phone again, “Sadie- Gotta go to the bathroom, comin’?” I asked and she nodded, getting up and following me back to the womens room. I pushed open the door and she followed behind me. “Ok, well I will say he’s being sweet, and way more romantic then Syd said he was with Claire” Sadie said as I touched my makeup up in the mirror. “Told you, he's changed” I touch up my face powder and she huffed, leaning against the wall.

“Or he could be in his honeymoon lovebombing stage, and wanting you to fall for him so he can go all cold” She said and I rolled my eyes. “Yes” I replied, partially annoyed, “But, he could also be into me, and showing it! Like a nice guy, like you said- he has this place, and I googled him before- you’re right. So why not…ya know” I shrugged. She sighed a bit “I guess” she opened up the stall door to use the restroom and I waited for her near the door.

“You’ve been texting him the whole time, doesn’t that say lovebombing to you?” she asked as she pulled on the toilet paper roll. “Oh- the whole time” I laugh a bit, rolling my eyes. “I texted him first, we’ve exchanged like 2 texts!” I said and she flushed, opening the stall door and coming out to wash her hands. “And I assume you’re seeing him tonight…” she raised her eyebrows.

“Yes…and?” I said and she giggled “I will say it with my chest like Ari!” I said causing us both to laugh. I opened the door to the bathroom for us and we went back to the now cleared table, sitting down. There was soft chatter throughout the restaurant and all the Chefs came out. “Alright I just wanted to thank you all for coming tonight, Means alot- and Without further do- Chef Sydney, who created the main course tonight” Carmen said and we clapped. 

“Thank you all so much for coming, I hope you enjoyed the dish I worked very hard on it, and I hope to see you all next time, stay safe!” She said and we gave her a round of applause before the Chefs broke off to their respective families, to my surprise- Carmen and Sydney both came up to our table. 

“How was it?” He asked and I smiled wide, so happy he was wanting to show off to people that he invited me. “So- so good, Chef Sydney- you are so amazingly talented, I’m so grateful to call you a friend” I said honestly and touched her hand. She looked at me a bit surprised and grasps my hand gently with hers, “Ye-Yeah, yeah, totally, thank you, Winnie- really” she nods. 

“Ok- what the fuck was that appetizer- mushroom shit” Sadie asks Syd and I can’t contain my laughing at her usual boldness. Carmen’s jaw drops and Syd’s eyes widen, and my giggles caused Sadie to start laughing herself. “What do you mean oh my god Sadie! That is my boss” she said and I gasp in laughter, leaning in to Carm’s side. 

“Don’t worry Syd, Carmen,” I look at him and his shocked expression just makes me laugh harder. I caught my breath and wrap my arm around his bicep, “Sydney and I are both sorry for Sadies outburst, shes picky” I giggled and he shook his head, chuckling a bit. “I can see why you two are friends” he said and I raise my eyebrows, “Better be a good thing Chef!” I giggle and he nods, “Course, 2 firecrackers I’m sure you two cause lots of trouble, c’mon I need a cigarette before we clean y’comin?” He wrapped his arm around my waist and I nodded “Thank you again, Syd - Sadie- see ya monday” I told her.

She gives me a look as Carm tugs me away, my purse tucked in my arm, and gives the ‘call me’ sign and I giggled, nodding and taking his hand as we slinked through the kitchen to the back alley. As soon as the door shuts, I leaned against it, pulling him by his collar into a deep kiss and he hums softly, cupping my waist with his hands and lightly squeezing. I swipe my tongue over his bottom lip and he opens for me, our tongues meeting roughly, a needy wanting kiss. His hands travel down and cup my ass, squeezing. He pulled away after a moment, lips swollen from our kiss, us both slightly out of breath. 

“That was so fucking amazing Carmen, holy shit you are fucking amazing” I breathed and kiss his neck, biting gently at the skin under his jaw and he gasps softly, his hands trailing up to the small of my back, “What was- dinner? Or the kiss?” He asked, “Both” I breathe in to his neck, kissing the pulsepoint below his ear before nibbling his earlobe “Oh- okay” He said softly. “I- I wanna keep doing this with you but I have to get back inside, baby” he said lowly and I pulled away, pouting a bit. “Ok” I said, taking his lighter out of his pocket while he found his cigarettes and lighting it for him. He leans against the door and exhales in a sigh, rubbing his hand over his face. 

“That actually went really fuckin’ well” He said and took another drag. I leaned on my shoulder, watching him. “I’m glad.. It was all so, so good Carm, it was delicious” I said and held his other hand, kissing the tattoo of the chefs knife gently. “Guess you’re my good luck charm yea?” he teased and I smiled, cheeks heating slightly. “No- that would be you, you’re the lucky charm” I kiss over each one of his knuckles gently. 

“Could I…maybe take you up on that massage tonight? If you were serious that is.” He said and I smiled, “Of course, Would you like to make a reservation at Winnies Massage Parlor for 12 midnight?” I asked and he chuckled, “I would actually, I tip very well” He teased and I smiled, my heart picking up. “Sounds good, I’ll see you then” I said and he stomped out the butt of his cigarette. 

“Thanks f’comin honey, I really mean it” He said and wrapped his strong hands around my waist. I smiled, “Of course! Carm, anytime” I said and he leaned in kissing me sweetly. When he pulled away I look up at him. “Twelve?” he asked. 

“Twelve, I’ll text you my apartment number” I said and went down the step “See ya, Chef” I winked and he gave me his priceless smile as he went inside. 

➜ 𝑅𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒮𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃!

[ateez-himari]

[240901] MAKNAES REUNITE

[NEW MESSAGES FROMM HIMARI]

[PM 10:49] The maknaes are maknae-ing harder than any maknae has ever maknae-d before

[PM 10:50] ㅎㅎ I might possibly be on social media more than you guys think, but the caption was both of our ideas to be fair. It's maknae telepathy

[PM 10:50] No we rode on the same one (please help me), I have a racing circuit license, a driver's license but I don't have a motorcycle license yet. We've been really busy lately so I'll get it when I have time

[PM 10:51] Ah, we're ahead of you! Jungkook oppa already posted the ta ta ta challenge on his account, we knew you guys would want us to do it ㅎㅎㅎ I can't believe he's starting trends while doing his service...

[PM 10:52] Oh, Tiny! It's his birthday today, he turned 27...he's getting very close to being 30 already yet he acts the same age as me. It's a shared braincell between maknaes I think

[PM 10:52] It's hard to keep track of but it's been about 11 years now, maybe a little more since we met before their debut. Since I'm still 22 I've known him half of my life

[PM 10:52] I didn't know he used one of his rest days, he just called me in the morning after my boyfriend left for the studio and asked if I was busy. It was fun, we went to eat barbeque after the bike ride

[PM 10:53] Oh I remember that, people were speculating for so long ㅎㅎI solved the mystery now, as you can see the extra helmet in his house was mine. I think the other members use it sometimes too so it's shared property

[PM 10:53] Some protective gear he bought for me is there too, I think some army were talking about it after a live and I felt kind of bad because they thought it was a girlfriend...

[PM 10:54] Jimin oppa told you that we cried when he started his service ? Wow, what a tattler, but it's true. I guess it was just really strange, I mean we grew up together in a sense so leaving each other for so long was heavy

[PM 10:54] Ahh no you can't talk to him, we said goodbye about two hours ago so I'm back home now. Mingi asked if I wanted to do a live later so you might talk to us!

[PM 10:54] If you guys are lucky he'll turn on the camera this time ㅎㅎ I really want to give you a tour of the airbnb at some point too, since it's a hanok (a traditional house) it looks really nice, like we're back in time almost

[PM 10:55] Hyunjin oppa already posted the pictures ? It's true, we went to see Stray Kids yesterday and it was such an amazing concert ! We met a few staytinys there, then had dinner with some of the members

[PM 10:55] No, I've actually known Bangchan oppa longer since we spent some time together before I left for KQ. We slept in the same room for a bit since neither of us were in the lineup for any group so there was no set dorm

[PM 10:56] How can you do this to me ?! There's no way I can pick a favorite solo, I really hope that they release them soon though...I'll put in a good word to JYP for you guys ;p

[PM 10:57] Don't worry I have plans with other members later on! But first we're going to go see my family in a few days, mom's been very adamant on 'setting my boyfriend straight just in case' ㅎㅎ I missed them a lot

[PM 10:57] Haneul's been asking me to come non-stop every time my brother calls to check up on me so I'm sure she'll be happy too. The members and I got so many gifts while we were on tour, Seonghwa oppa even got her some baby Lego

[PM 10:57] Oh, no, not Sannie oppa's older sister ! Haneul is my niece, Hanzo nii-chan's daughter, my brother wanted to continue the legacy of 'H' names to honor our parents

[PM 10:58] Ahh Mingi's out of the shower so I have to go now, we're gonna go on a walk (really romantic right ??) ♡ Love you so much, kisses!

Translated from Korean by Google

[empty-dream]

Just watched Orb: On the Movements of the Earth

Anime about heliocentrism.

Yes I know that sounds boring and at first I was like, "An anime about heliocentrism? What, are they gonna animate ancient classes discussing it?" then I recalled "Wait, wasn't the church really against heliocentrism so they, like, thrased Galileo and others for supporting it?"

Yeah that's basically the plot.

Story time! My first contact with this show was with a tweet that said "this is the hidden gem of the season!" to which I was ok maybe I'll check it out later. I forgot about the tweet but later, I saw the OP credit MV for the show and watched it (simply because I was looking for a new song to listen to) and iT WAS GOOD, like HAUNTING GOOD.

The OP gave me the impression that it is some epic historical work like Vinland Saga, just mellower with far less action scenes. I remembered that tweet right then and decided to watch the series immediately. This was when there were still 2 episodes.

THANK GOD I didn't decide to read the manga until episode 3 was out because GODDAMN EPISODE 3 SLAPPED ME HARD.

It was right then when I realized what this story is actually about and why the OP credit is like that. Even the OP and ED credit in EP4 are modified slightly to reflect the shift in the story.

Copernicus, the father of heliocentrism, probably was able to avoid inquisition only because he delayed his publication and died soon after. (And apparently it was so technical only advanced astronomers could understand, clever move but also typical academia.) And it was more than 50 years later until Galileo openly supported his idea and got the church hot on his tail. 50+ years. You'd think there are a lot of things happening in that time. A lot, generation after generation, until mankind could accept the truth.

I won't say more on this post so I'll leave it at that.

I love Rafal so much lmao he's such lovable little shit.

By the way, the series' title is probably a homage to Copernicus' heliocentrism work "De revolutionibus orbium coelestium (On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres)." As for "Orb", the Japanese title uses the katakana "チ" (Chi) which in kanji is also how you say "地" (earth/ground), "知" (wisdom/knowledge) and "血" (blood). These are all connected in the story. Incredibly clever and deep word play, I must say.

I am so conflicted like I want to read the manga ASAP but the anime is so profound and well-directed that I just want to keep watching it with full anticipation without knowing what's gonna happen. I'm so gonna suffer and be insufferable again every week.

*frothing at the mouth* Sakanaction, when will you release Kaiju full version????????

I love Yorushika's Aporia chirpy melody at the beginning of the song. It sounds like a child song, but the lyrics is basically a poetic story of curiousity towards the unknown.

*frothing at the mouth even more* OOOH SO THAT AMAZARASHI'S CASSIOPEIA MOORING MV COLLAB WAS WITH THIS SERIES????!!! If Amazarashi got their hands on it then it must have been some philosophical heavy hitter. Source=trust me.

Please tell me there will be a second cour just so Amazarashi can sing on the second cour too

Tl;Dr: Flat earthers have it easy, back in the day you got burned at stake for saying something different about the universe.

[valiantstarlights]

Omegaverse Lore: The Crucial Hours

I originally posted this omegaverse lore on @mr-sadman discord, but I'm gonna post it here as well for easier access. 😊 Feel free to use this in your omegaverse stories, as long as you give credit/tag me. Thank you! 🙇‍♀️ I'm looking forward to seeing all the hurt/comfort/spicy fics inspired by this. 🥰

Note: I have rewritten most of this to sound like something you would read in a medical brochure for fun, and then I went ahead and made an actual medical brochure (cover) for it. 😂

The Crucial Hours during Heat/Rut Cycles: A recommended reading for alphas and omegas who have reached their majority

--

There's no need to feel overwhelmed when your cycle comes! It's a natural part of life, and we here at (redacted) Hospital believe that the more prepared you are, the smoother your cycle will go. So, here are the most important things you need to know about your cycle, grouped by hours.

--

Hour 1 to 3

You feel fine, except you're sweating more than usual. You know that feeling when it's humid? You feel like that, except it's worse, because nothing you do alleviates the feeling of stickiness.

Do not ignore or power through this stage when you start to feel the symptoms! Immediately call your partner if you have one, or a heat/rut agency if you don't, as soon as possible.

Hour 4 to 6

You're still sweating, but now you also feel confused and forgetful. During this time, your body's temperature also increases, and you may even experience having hallucinations.

Again, it is very important that you secure for yourself a partner as soon as possible. So if you haven't done so already, do it now.

Hour 7 to 9 (with partner)

Your heat/rut will proceed as normal, depending on how long your cycle lasts.

A regular heat cycle for omegas has a duration of 3 days, and it occurs 4 to 6 times a year. A regular rut cycle for alphas has a duration of 1 week, and it occurs 2 to 3 times a year.

There are alphas and omegas who have irregular cycles. If you're one of them, please be especially vigilant and either always have a heat/rut partner ready, or have the number of a heat/rut agency on speed dial.

If you have not had a single cycle for a year or more, please consult your doctor that specializes in secondary gender cycles and schedule a general check-up.

--

Hour 7 to 9 (without a partner)

During this stage, you will find it difficult to speak coherently. You will also forget how most things work and what they're called.

You will feel hostile towards people with the same secondary gender as yourself, even if they're your family or friends!

You will also feel extreme affection for people with a different secondary gender than yourself, so for everyone's sake, it would be best to remove yourself from a public setting, return home, and isolate.

Without a partner to help you, you will feel an increased, almost frenzied need to mate, and you would have difficulty regaining a normal body temperature on your own.

Should a heat/rut partner arrive during this time, extra mating sessions (that preferably ends with one of you knotting the other) must be done in order to help you regain your verbal communication skills.

The duration of your current heat/rut cycle will see a 50-100% increase as well. For example, if you are an alpha with a regular 7 day cycle, then expect this cycle to last 11 to 14 days.

Hour 10 to 12 (without a partner)

You will have increased animal-like behaviors, as your body starts to overheat. You will have also totally forgotten how to speak. (There are cases where alphas and omegas retained enough coherency to speak 1 or 2 syllable sentences, but they are considered very rare.)

Should you reach this stage, you must be isolated so you will not hurt others. You will be very hostile to people with the same secondary gender as yourself, highly possessive of people with a different secondary gender than yourself, and irrational and violent if you think you're being forced to separate from who you think is your mate.

Healing from this stage can take months, and will require medical professionals and extended hospitalization.

One important note to make is that heat/rut agencies do not accept cases that have reached Hour 10. For the sake of their employees' safety, it is best to just call nearby hospitals that specialize in illnesses specific to certain secondary genders.

(redacted) Hospital is one such place, and we pride ourselves with the quality of our care, and the dedication and professionalism of our staff.

Hour 13 upwards (without a partner)

Your body has overworked itself, and as a result, you will either have lost most of your mental faculties, or died from overheating.

For people who have reached this stage and lived, long term (and sometimes even life-long) care is needed. There is only a very small percentage of people who recover from this stage, but for the sake of your loved ones, we will do our best to care for them, so they may one day recover and be able to enjoy life once more.

--

About Us

(redacted) Hospital provides qualified medical care to people of all secondary genders, and has a wing dedicated to the long term care needed by alpha and omega patients who have unfortunately reached Hour 10 and above without the help of a partner.

--

If you have any questions or concerns, contact us using the number listed below. Our friendly and very understanding customer service representatives will help you as best they can, and will also recommend nearby heat/rut agencies, should you (or someone you care for) have need of it.

(redacted)

[honeyspawn]

Some ideas about Paul's family:

Option 1: Jon Matteson Fmily Tree - full-transparency, the Jon Matteson family tree has never really been my personal favorite, or at the very least, the idea of Paul specifically having a big chaotic extended family has never felt very "Paul" to me. Paul has always struck me as such a solitary entity in Hatchetfield, or at least until Emma shows up. That being said, I won't deny that the idea is fun. That being said, I think if we're gonna go with the whole Paul is Richie's uncle thing, I don't think he's literally the brother of one of Richie's parents. I think "uncle" in this case is used in the general way a kid refers to an adult relative, and he's more of a distant cousin. I don't really know how to explain it, but I simply cannot picture Paul with siblings. Overall though, to me, I think I prefer the idea of Gary and Boy Jerry being Richie's uncles, and Paul is just kinda separate.

Option 2: Generic Retirees - I've mentioned this in another post, but something about Paul having no relatives in Hatchetfield even though he's lived there his whole life there feels very "Paul" to me. I suppose you could conclude from this that his parents are dead, but seeing as he's only in his early 30s and that implies his parents probably died kind of young (probably somewhere in the 50s-70s range depending on how old they were when Paul was born and when they died), I like the idea instead that the explanation is the most boring one possible; they retired in Florida. Their names are Arthur and Martha Matthews, or something similarly generic. They are the most boring 60 year old couple imaginable. Arthur likes to garden. Martha likes bird watching. They have no other hobbies. They visit Paul a couple times a year. They are constantly trying to convince Paul to move to Florida. They are the Matthews family. They are boring.

Option 3: Crack Theory Time - This is insane, and I don't really believe this theory, but the idea came to me one day and I the thought wouldn't leave my head, so I need to share it. So the idea behind this is Paul is such a singular entity that it's almost enigmatic, or at least it would be if anyone cared that much. Paul never talks about his family to anyone. He never really thinks about his family, and he feels like he's been on his own for a long time. That's not to say he doesn't remember having a family. He had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago. And when he starts dating Emma and she asks about his family, that's all he has to say. "I had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago." He remembers having a mother, but he doesn't really remember anything that specific about her. He's not sure why. He never thinks too deeply about it. He's not sure he can properly recall her face unless he's looking at an old scrapbook. It's strange, though. As soon as he puts the scrapbook back on the shelf, it's like he forgets again. All that really sticks is he had a mom. She was nice. It's a shame she passed away 15 years ago. It's not like he didn't love her, of course he did, she was his mom. And she was a good mom too, he's sure of it. One thing he does remember though, is before she died, she had a long talk with him. He can't remember about what exactly, but he knows it was important. He's pretty sure she was saying goodbye. If you've watched nightmare time, you may have guessed where I'm going with this. I don't really know where this idea of mine that Miss Holloway is Paul's mom came from, it just kind of seemed like Paul being a mysteriously solo entity in Hatchetfield makes sense, and this seemed like an interesting explanation. It also would tie into the fact that Paul might have a slight latent resistance to the LiBs. In tgwdlm, Paul has a whole musical number where he resists the Hive while being infected, while the only other times anyone gets infected on stage, it's a matter of seconds. Paul is also one of the only adult characters who sees through Tickle-Me-Wiggly; even Emma thinks Tim would want a Wiggly "more than anything." Do I think this is all some insane foreshadowing? Absolutely not. This seems extremely unlikely to me, and a product of my own over-thinking, but it sure is fun to think about anyway. (Also, I've never seen anything about this online before, but if this is an existing fan theory, please let me know. The Miss Matthews theory, if you will)

Option 4: He Doesn't Have One - Paul does not have a family. He is just Paul. It's not important for Paul to have a family because they are not relevant, and therefore, they simply do not exist. This also seems very possible to me, and tbh feels appropriate, both for Paul, and for Hatchetfield. I mean heck, according to Curt Mega his shopper character in Black Friday is literally named "Shopper No. 4". Paul just straight up not having a family because he's Just A Guy™️ feels right.

Wow, this was a lot, actually. If you read this whole thing, thanks for letting me infodump, and I'd love to hear what you think.

[philosophiums]

hi sam!! 1, 2, 6, 8, 12, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 42, 43, 44, 45, 47, 50, 51, 55, 57, 66 (lmhs), 71, 72, 76, 78, 79 😊 i just love picking another writer's brain hehe

KSJDBVJKDFBV MARIAM IM CRYING HELP 😂 *cracks knuckles* okay let's gooooo 💜 (there's gonna be a read more somewhere)

questions from here!

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

Truly depends on the length of the wip! For short stuff that I'm confident will be under 10k, I just go in swinging. For longer stuff, I'm daydreaming constantly, even during the writing process. When I had a desk job, I would spend Work Time thinking and then write stuff out in my notes app, but now that I operate a moving vehicle for 7+ hours a day, I just spend the majority of that time Daydreaming, Thinking, and Planning for LMHS.

2. Where do you get your fic ideas?

It's about a 60/40 split between original thoughts (as much as anyone can claim to truly have original creative thoughts that are 100% not inspired by anything else) and ideas that are based on or inspired by the premises of other fics or by fanart (sometimes not even from the same fandom).

6. What’s the last line you wrote?

From LMHS, last line of chapter 3: "Sun shining on their backs, sweet snacks in their stomachs, and laughter in the air, the three of them take off together, venturing once again deeper into Changyin’s busy streets."

8. Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip.

Not written out yet so I can't post a snippet, but in LMHS, water is so important to Megumi's character, way beyond just bending.

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

Sometimes! I did outline LMHS, though that was mostly an attempt on my part at keeping track of all the thoughts @hinamie and I were throwing at each other. It's not very detailed at all, just a bullet point list of things like "they travel to [location] - remember that [this character] is with them" or stuff like that. It's a guide for the like... movement™ of the fic, but less so the nitty gritty details, which I kind of enjoy discovering as I go (be it while I'm writing or while Hina and I are talking). But the last long fic I wrote (250k) did not have an outline. I just followed my heart and the vision I had of the end of the fic <3 The back half of that fic did have a canon timeline to follow, though, which made it easier.

14. What is your favorite location and position to write in?

SJKDBJKSDB I do about 95% of my writing in a big leather wingback armchair in my living room, usually with one leg hooked over an arm of the chair. The other 5% is bleary-eyed, 2am in bed, notes app, half-finished sentences with just the worst spelling you've ever seen.

15. What’s your favorite time to write?

It used to be between 1am and 3am, back when I was unemployed/working a job I didn't have to properly sleep for. Now, the only time I seem to be able to write is from about 8:30pm to 11pm. It takes me forever to unwind after coming home, so I can really only get myself to focus way at the end of the day. 100% if I went back to a desk job or stumbled into a pile of money that could let me stop working, I'd be right back to typing away well after midnight.

17. Do you have a writing routine?

Sit down > open word doc > reread last paragraph > dissociate > walk away > come back three hours later and write SKJDVBDKJBVJKDFBV

18. Do you enjoy research?  Which fic of yours required the most research?

I don't necessarily enjoy it, mostly because when I'm researching, I tend to get pulled down a rabbit hole of stuff I don't need to know and will never use. However, I do find that I end up doing impromptu "shotgun" research a lot while writing. Literally while writing the first chapter of LMHS, I had to pull up some research on trees just to make absolutely sure I was describing something correctly. It's 100% an inconsequential detail, but at least I know I wasn't pulling it completely out of thin air KSJVDBDKJVB I don't think I could honestly say which fic required the most research. If we include the amount of time I spent on the respective fandom wikis for character/canon details, then Swallow the Stars for sure. But if it's only for Other Stuff™, then I think they're all about equal.

19. Do you enjoy creating OCs or do you prefer to stick solely to canon characters?

I love making OCs in general, but not really for fanfic. I'll make an OC for an inconsequential side character no problem (did this a couple times in Swallow the Stars), but, for the most part, I prefer to stick to canon characters. I've never written a fic from the POV of an OC, and I doubt I ever will. I would much rather explore the dynamics between canon characters than insert a new main character into a story that already has one.

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process?  How do you come up with titles?

Depends! I've done all three before SKJDVBDKJVBF Sometimes, a title comes to me right away, and I can sort of circle around it while I'm writing (this is more common for me with short fics). Sometimes, I get a few thousands words in, and have played with the themes long enough to have it just sort of come to me. Other times, I'm fully edited and just staring at the words begging a title to appear so I can post KSJDVBDKJFVBDFV LMHS had a title before I even started writing, because I wanted to have a title when I posted the fic announcement. As far as how I come up with them, I've pulled directly from words in the fic, I've gone on random quote generators and pulled from those, I've sat down and literally just strung words together based on a theme or a single specific word I wanted (LMHS, for instance, came from a desire to use the word "haunt"). It just kinda depends and is different for every fic!

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

The beginning is easiest because it's fun character introductions and scene setting, not a lot of plot yet. The middle is by far the hardest because that's where the plot is beefiest and where a lot of the transition spaces are, and at the same time you're starting to gather up the threads you want to tie off at the end.

24. How do you choose whose POV to write in?

I choose based on whose thoughts I'm imagining most when I'm first thinking of the story! When I'm new to writing for a fandom, I will sometimes have to start a fic 2 or 3 times to find the voice that comes easiest to me, though. I have a tendency to lean towards the quieter characters, but that's not always true! For example, Andrew Minyard's POV is easier for me to write in, but I have more fun writing Neil, so I tend to gravitate towards Neil for AFTG fics.

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

World building my beloved..... I love coming up with Reasons for things that I want to happen, tying things into the setting and the history and making sure it works for the characters as well. The moment when everything connects is so magical.

26. What’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

Writing KJDBKJDFBVJKDBFV Words are just.... so hard 😭

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

Detailing! Descriptions! I am constantly fighting with myself over how much detail I actually need to include in my descriptions, because on some level, I want to describe it as much as I possibly can so that it can be envisioned easier, but on the flip side I know for a fact that no matter how much I describe something, no one will ever see it exactly the same way I do. And so then I pull back too far, I think, and keep my descriptions bare minimum, which I think is just as unhelpful. I need to work on finding a balance. Maybe metaphor can be my friend here.....

30. How much do you edit your fics?  Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

I usually go through for edits a minimum of two times and a maximum of 4 times. I always do an initial read-through for details that I missed or clarifications I need to make or continuity problems, stuff like that. Then I'll go through for grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc. If I end up rewriting a lot during that second edit, I'll go back through yet again just to double-check everything. And, more often than not, I do a last read-through right before I post. Though, inevitably, there's always something that I don't catch until it's already posted KJSBDVKDJBV

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

I'm really quite keen on Like the Moon Haunts the Sun !! It's longer than what I usually go for with titles, but it's sooooo thematically fitting and just really really pretty imo. But, This Is What Hollows holds a special place in my heart because it's a bit different and yet perfectly fitting for that fic. Plus, it was titled loooong before I came up with a way to include it in the actual writing of the fic, and I felt like an absolute genius when I managed to do that organically.

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

I have a world mostly built for a fantasy setting with dragon gods and stuff that I've planned out all the lore for and yet cannot for the life of me actually think up a plot that would be interesting to write SKJVBDJKVB I have characters, I have setting, I have themes, but a plot? Evading me. And it's been haunting me for like 7 years.

44. What is your favorite genre to write?

Urban fantasy 100%!! I love writing magic systems without having to do historical research SKJBDVKJDVB Also just the idea of magic in a place that we live in is so special to me like... there is magic everywhere in the world, but sometimes that magic really does come from a spell book like Yes Please.

45. What genre/trope do you tend to write the most?

Found family trope my beloved,,,,,,,, don't look too closely at it; it doesn't say anything about me as a person I Promise.

47. Is there a trope that you’ve written before but are now sick of?

Not a trope, but when I was younger and Working Through Some Shit, I included a, I guess, circumstance™ that I will not actually say (bc it's like. triggering) in just about every fic I wrote, but I'm past the point now (thank god) of needing to vent through it, so I truly don't think I'll ever include it in anything ever again.

50. How would you describe your writing style?

HHHHHHH I have no idea. I think I am incapable of looking at my writing objectively enough to describe it.

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

Very much so! I love reading prose that is rich in metaphor and simile, but for the life of me I can't write like that. I don't have the gift of constantly being able to turn a phrase so beautifully, but god is it gorgeous to read.

55. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics?  Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

I don't even want to think about the words and phrases I overuse because I'm sure there's plenty JSKDBVKJDFVB I do have a recurring theme of like... healing, though. This deep inner struggle of the characters to get to a better place is just... so important to me. I want them to heal, but more than that I want them to want to heal.

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

I'm certainly conscious of it, but less so on the first draft. I think foreshadowing has a way of sneaking into my writing naturally (especially because I write chronologically), and then I can really hammer it in during the edit. Symbolism is purely being brought in during the first edit unless it's something so important that it was underlined a lot during the drafting/planning stage.

66. What’s a fun fact about LMHS?

It started as me just randomly thinking about ATLA and sending a question to Hina about what she thought the main trio's bending elements would be, and it just tumbled out of control from there SKJDVBDJKVFB

71. Do you spend more time reading or writing?

Writing, which is... saying something because I really don't spend a lot of time writing on a day-to-day basis. But I haven't read a published book in.... 4 years? And I don't read fanfic very often either, despite my bookmarks tab being overflowing with fics that I would like to read at some point. I just feel like I never have the time or energy to sit down and read.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

I have gotten a similar comment from multiple people that is about my characterization of canon characters within AUs and how it still feels like the canon characters but with realistic changes based on a different setting, and in fic writing I can't think of higher praise. Like... that's exactly what I want. I don't want the characters to be exactly the same as canon because their circumstances have changed, but I still want them to be recognizable. That's always what I'm striving for, and it makes me happy that people notice and think it's executed well enough to comment on.

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

Poorly KDEJVBKJDEFVBJKDFVBJF Really though, I struggle managing pressure when I'm writing. And it's always internal, because external pressure on fics just makes me petty since it's Free Labor, and people who complain about a slow upload schedule or whatever just make me Mad. But internal pressure is HHHHHHHHHH I am Going Through It with LMHS. I want it to live up to expectations, but I also want to finish it quickly, but I also want it to be lush and complete, and there's always this voice in my head telling me I'm not writing fast enough or good enough. Mostly I work past it by reminding myself that the time will pass anyway and that it's a miracle that I can even write ~1k words a day with how tired my job makes me. And on the days when that doesn't work, I have loud music KSJDVBDKJVBJDKFV

78. What motivates you during the writing process?

Up to the point where I start posting (for my last long fic, I was >100k in before I uploaded the first chapter), the motivation comes from a simple desire to write that particular story. For me, it can't come from anywhere else. If I don't want to write on a fic anymore and I haven't uploaded yet, I'll just stop. However, once I start posting, comments and general interaction with the fic gives me a huge bump in motivation. Engagement and talking about the story and the characters and the plot just makes me so excited to keep going so that I can drop the next plot twist or cliffhanger and read everyone's reactions. This time, for LMHS, I am very very lucky to have my own personal cheer squad of one (Hina) motivating me daily through memes and character discussion and new pieces of art and other various things <3

79. Do you have any writing advice you want to share?

The best actual constructive writing advice that I can give is: Do Not Edit Something Until You're Done. And yes, I mean the entire story - do not go back and reread/rewrite until you're done with it. Nothing will make your forward momentum disappear faster than going back to edit. If you're too hung up on details and perfection right away, you're never going to get done. You have to just write and accept that things will need to be reworked. Make notes for yourself on things to fix later or whatever, just do not scroll back up and start editing before you're done with something. It will only make you disappointed that where you pick up again isn't going to look as nice as what you just edited.

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[emperorbubblegum]

I just beat the secret boss in Samurai Remnant (is it a superboss if it's not a turn-based rpg?), and even though I spoiler tag all of my F/SR posts anyway, I'm gonna add a cut so I can talk about it without ruining the moment for those that want to play it. This has little to no impact on the story (to my knowledge at least, I still haven't beaten the game just yet) but it's one of those things that's too cool to not experience for yourself the first time and I really want to talk about it because fuck is it good.

(F/SR Spoilers below, only click if you've beaten the game or don't care about non-plot spoilers)

This motherfucker.

This motherfucker.

When I first saw Gil in the game I was like "Oh dope, Gil's here. And he's a shopkeep too. This is going to be so fun."

And then I did his side quests and of course he pulls out the whole "You two are pretty great at running errands, you should be my retainers." Naturally I said no and naturally as Gilgamesh he took exception to that. It didn't send us immediately into a boss fight, but I thought I was good enough at the game to fight him as soon as he gave me the option. I mean, what was the worst that could happen?

Worst that could happen is that he's fucking Gilgamesh. You know how in an earlier post I said that a Servant entering a fight changed the genre from Musou to Soulsborne? The Boss changes it from Musou to a bullet hell, and I loved every second of it.

For starters, he has I think the largest movepool in the game, and the majority of his attacks are AOE. And of course by AOE I mean they have the range of the entire arena. It doesn't matter where you're standing, his moves will hit you, and they will hurt. In all honesty they were pretty easy to dodge once you memorized them, but if you messed it up... oh boy. My health kept jumping between 50 and 1500 because if you're not at 90% or more when you get hit by most of his moves you're just fucked.

In addition to having the largest movepool, this bastard also has the most Shell Gauges. I'd break one only for him to pop another three hits in. It felt like I could hardly touch him unless I was hitting him with Saber or the Rogue I brought along (Sidenote: Circe has some crazy DPS if you spam her second Heavy). The whole fight took me about half an hour because Iori's swords just didn't do enough damage, and very likely couldn't even if I had waited for better gear/skills. For the first time in a Fate game it really felt like I was fighting the King of Heroes.

All in all I really liked this fight. Overcoming impossible odds is what I like about Souls games, and even though F/SR can hardly be called one outside of the Servant battles. This is probably one of my favorite moments in the whole game, and maybe my favorite fight too, even though all I got was some candy and a tablet I don't know how to use

P.S.

Intially I did actually accept Gil's offer cause I thought it would be funny and it gave me an extra ending

[strangefellows]

Soooo. About my Limbus theory that Dante is Ayin.

Looks at the 5.5 anniversary event. Looks at the Angela announcer voicelines. I think we've got some heavy proof I'm onto something here. I've posted it into my extensive conspiracy board GDoc (linked for your perusal), but below the cut I'm gonna put what I noticed about the aforementioned things (ie voicelines/That Scene in the event). Credit to @limbus-datamines for where I found the voicelines written out, because I'm broke and have to get Angela the long way lmao. (And credit for the LobCorp screens from TeeQueue's LP of the game on LPArchive!)

Angela's voicelines -- the bolding/italics is all mine for emphasis. As you can see, she explicitly points out that this is "a manager of another spacetime" so she is aware that who she's doing this for isn't her Ayin....but she proceeds to continue to talk to them as if it is AN Ayin.

"I see. I must pre-record these encouraging lines for a manager of an unknown spacetime. Oh my. I was not aware that the recording had already started."

"Your employees' health is at a critical level. A manager must listen to and abide by my advice; you should consider me your most trusted and capable companion, after all."

"Your employees are on the verge of death. That reminds me… manager, I recall that you had access to a special function, no? Sometimes, a full reset is the most efficient solution to a disaster."

"I have identified a flat-footed enemy. Many of your predecessors have used such openings to order a killing blow."

"I have identified a deceased employee. It is but one of many minor inconveniences in your way, manager. They were all aware that such an outcome may await them when they joined our company."

"The enemies have the upper hand. And I expect that you will be the finest manager there ever was."

"I expect that the enemy will commence a powerful attack soon. It is time to face the fear."

"They have dealt a critical blow to one of your employees. However, as you well know, we will move forward and only forward. There is no need to cast your gaze upon those that cannot be recovered."

"One or more of your employees are critically wounded, but do not lose your heart over it. With every death, our company grows. After all, you once told me that… sometimes, those that are forgotten can be the more beautiful."

This one in particular sticks out to me, I've been rotating it in my head for days.

"You have dealt a fatal blow to your enemies. I have always told you that you are much more capable than you originally perceived yourself to be. And I am never wrong."

"A successful strike. It is too early to pop the champagne, but it may be a good idea to cheer for the deceased in memoriam of their noble sacrifices."

"I am Angela, your advisor and secretary. My role as an AI is to assist you in adjusting to your new workplace. It’s a pretty name for an AI, wouldn’t you say so?"

This is more or less word for word what she says at the start of every new loop in LobCorp, isn't it? Hmmmm.

And while we're aware in general that That Scene where Dante has their little meltdown and starts sounding a shitload like Carmen (and, quite frankly, Adam) is sus as hell for MULTIPLE reasons and I know it's got some people to accept/acknowledge the Dantayin Theory on Twitter...this part is what sticks out to me personally:

The only two lines of dialogue in their meltdown that weren't corrupted and halfway censored (or...distorted, you could say), the only two we could read clearly and that didn't sound too insane...are very, very, very similar in imagery and phrasing to this section of Ayin's Day 50 speech. Food for thought.

So, yeah, I'm pretty sure at this point there's nothing else that makes sense besides Dante being Ayin, or at least an Ayin, maybe one from another timeline or something. Either way though.

[walkingstackofbooks]

Trying to decide what I want to work on right now and so to procrastinate I thought it'd be fun to share my current WIPs with you all (omg how did I get so manyyyyy)

Feel free to shout encouragement at me if there's any that particularly pique your interest! :P

Anyway, in order of how recently I've worked on them:

1. Prompt - what if Kukulaka got broken and Garak repaired him?

Coming soon? 80% it'll be done in the next week: I'm hoping to just bash it out at some point, but even though it's short and self-contained, it's hardddd...

2. Unexpected Chapter 2 of Imprisoned. Absolute Sloanshir rot: Sloan provides Julian with more "help", Julian gets increasingly confused/grateful/flustered/fucked

Coming soon? Almost 100% you're gonna see it next week - I am hype and should should should get to the end once I have an evening to myself ;)

3. Prompt - "I don't trust myself to be good to myself right now, but I need someone to be good to me." Conversations between Miles and Julian at various points in the series when they've hit rock bottom and need pulling out.

Coming soon? No... I've written one post-DBIP scene but I'd at least want the post-Argrathi scene and the rest of the DBIP stuff to be done before I put anything up, if not the whole thing... It's definitely a long fic I'll be returning to in fits and bursts. (sorry, prompter...)

4. Prompt - Garak and Julian's first conversation post-IPS/BIL.

Coming soon? It's a strong contender for next week - I was super hype for it when I started but then work interceded and I just haven't got back to it yet. It is a priority, though!

5. Pre-DBIP: a few moments where Julian's unspoken issues with his parents cause friction for him but go unnoticed by his friends. Post-DBIP a similar moment happens and is recognised for what it is. Featuring Julian + beets.

Coming soon? I really don't know. I've got a strong vision for it and scene one (of four) is done, but it's kind of stuttered since then.

6. Julian starts to neglect his self-care, leading to him passing out in the infirmary. Sisko would like to know what the hell happened.

Coming soon? It's already on tumblr in a rough and ready form, so editing to put on AO3 might well happen in the next week - and I'd say a 50% chance of something extra with that?

7. Chapter 2 of At Their Mercy. Alpha!Garak takes over with Omega!Julian where Kira left off... 😉😉😉

Coming soon? Gahhh, I have written this several times over in my brain, but getting the start of this chapter has been proving difficult. Definitely not until after the Imprisoned chapter is done.

8. Why Leeta Kept Kukulaka And How Julian Did Try To Ask For Him Back. Just cute, fluffy gap-filling; I love both of them.

Coming soon? Probably not. Only the outline has been written tbh and this hasn't caught my fancy in a while.

9. "Acts of God": A runabout crashes on a planet where medical intervention is outlawed. Unable to help his injured friends and forbidden from alleviating the suffering he sees around him, Julian has a very bad time...

Coming soon? No, I think this is probably going to be an after-VIsion-Awry project rather than a can-i-get-it-done-first one.

10. "Sloan's planet": Sloan is Julian's s31 handler, sending him out on all sorts of missions... but the missions are fake, Sloan using the holosuite to manipulate Julian pretty much any way he wants...

Coming soon? Possibly. This has more of a series vibe maybe with a few distinct one-shots, so if I get a short idea I might bash it out 🤷‍♀️ Sloanshir's often just so easy to fall into.. 🤣

11. Keiko + Molly + Julian + drawing post-DBIP. Julian's not very good at it, and it's a bit feels but a lot of fluff.

Coming soon? Well I haven't touched it since April but I do smile whenever I remember it exists (and looking at the file, more was written than I remember!)

Welp - and that's not even counting the myriad other ideas floating around my tumblr/ in my head! Or the fact that I have probably another 15-20k of Vision Awry to go... Well, here's looking forward to my August of writing!

(Which I'll definitely have... if I stop procrastinating! :P)