#I know I want to sew something from that universe because it’d be fun

[cozwalt]

I know I want to cosplay from BOTW at some point but I don’t know who, and even if I opted for Link what outfit.

[kryativelogos]

The Young Six's Elements

Hi hello! Since MLP G5 is coming out soon, I thought it’d be fun to explore and discuss the Young Six’s elements from G4! This may or may not be long based on how you look at it. I would also say spoilers but guys, this show ended nearly 3 years ago.

Let’s get something right off the bat, these elements will be different from the Mane 6′s for two reasons: (1) the Pillars had different elements from the Mane 6 which leads me to believe they are stemmed from one another but not 100% identical and (2) that based on the colors from S8E26 when they pulled out the artifacts, Gallus isn’t- magical, not in the old-fashioned way that Twilight or Starswirl is at least. So I will be coming up with “new” elements that encompass the Young Six’s character while staying true to their predecessors. I also want to focus on the idea that each of these groups had an underlying goal, the Pillars were protecting a ‘primitive’ time for ponies, while the Mane Six were focusing on relationships between ponies and later extending out to other species. I want to believe that the Young Six’s goal would be to strengthen relationships between different species and unifying them under friendship based on how they’re all different species themselves and are connected to the rulers somehow.

Gallus - Guidance Gallus glowed purple, which means he is most closely related to Twilight (Magic) and Starswirl (Sorcery). Which might not make much sense here since again, while he is considered a magical creature, most creatures in the MLP universe are considered as such (and honestly the definition of what is and isn’t a magical creature is a completely different discussion all on it’s own). But because Twilight’s strongest magic is ✨The Magic of Friendship✨ I’m going to run with that. In S8E22 Gallus’ fear was being closed in / tight spaces, which I personally believe this to be physically closed in but also metaphorically closed off from people around him. In S8E15 Gallus explains that there really isn’t much of a family at home and that he really believes he found his family in the Young Six. So I picture him as both the leader of the Young Six because of Twilight’s and Starswirl’s own status of their groups and also that he values family the most. I want to also add that in the future (S9E26), he also becomes a guard for Twilight’s Kingdom. I believe that because of this, Gallus is basically ‘the head of the family.’ He is the supporter, the protector, and therefore is the one that would want to guide and help others around him to the best of his abilities. He even showed this while helping Silverstream conquer her own fears in S8E22. Gallus is the element of Guidance because while every-creature is capable of learning and making mistakes on their own, having someone there to help and just support them is always something nice.

Ocellus - Inspiration Ocellus glowed white, therefore closest to Mistmane (Beauty) and Rarity (Generosity). Ocellus’ fear (S8E22) was being feared again - as a species - and being “ugly and hideous” because she looked like Queen Chrysalis. However, the beauty Mistmane represents is not skin-deep, it’s the beauty within a person and Ocellus learns to love herself as a ‘reformed’ changeling - you can see this in S8E1 when she tries to pretend to be a dragon and pony to blend in and learning to just be herself and share her talent to help in the best way possible (see S8E2 + E9 at least). Her generosity comes from her love of learning and studying, giving her time and love to help the other students study and share the information she learns with others (S8E22). I see this as almost being a mentor or tutor, and giving your time for others is the greatest form of generosity in my opinion. This is why I believe Ocellus’ element would be Inspiration because as a changeling she is inspiring others through teachings and also sharing her past with others, and potentially shapeshifting into other creatures to show them all what they can be.

Silverstream - Curiosity I think Silverstream’s might just be the easiest one to explain. She shares characteristics of Laughter (Pinkie Pie) and Hope (Somnambula). Silverstream's past involves the Storm King and hid all her life underwater, so the problem here is she doesn't know anything above the water until the King's defeat (see MLP: the Movie). So when she is above the surface, she's constantly interested in everything (see S8E22 where she gets excited over plumbing) and wants to learn about everything. She gets excited over everything (see S8E2 for excitement over stairs) and this is a really good tie into laughter as part of her core characterization. Hope is also a really indicator for Silverstream because she and the rest of the hippogriffs really believed that staying underwater was the safest way to keep from the Storm King's rule. It wasn't until his defeat did the hippogriffs ever had a sense of hope of being able to live back on land. Curiosity is Silverstream's element because of her desire to learn.

Yona - Courage Yona is honest (AJ) and strong (Rockhoof), we didn't even need to know her elemental predecessors to know that. However, while her development as a character really isn't all that deep, we do see a softer side is S8E22 and S9E7. In S8E22, Yona can be seen terrified of spiders, but instead of just conquering her fear by smashing the spiders, she takes that extra step to befriend them instead, asking them for help to get out of her current situation. In S9E7, Yona is worried about embarrassing Sand Bar at a dance (I can't remember the name of the event sorry). She goes out of her way to learn everything 'the pony way' so she can fit in better. While this whole thing makes sense, it strips away Yona's identity of being a yak and that the dance was adapted to suit all creature. It takes real courage to step out of your comfort zone to change for someone, but also more so to just be yourself. Seeing that in Yona in both scenarios and also seeing how she can admit that she's scared of flying/falling (S8E1/2?) takes real courage. Because of her honesty, I think she wouldn't be afraid to speak her mind - or hesitate - and in that sense can also be quite courageous especially if it's something they don't want to hear (see basically every episode where there are consequences to not telling the truth). It takes courage to step out of the comfort zone and I think Yona really encompasses this idea.

Smolder - Integrity You may be wondering: Yona and Smolder have their elements backwards! Not quite, and here's why: Smolder's elemental predecessors are Flash Magnus (Bravery) and Rainbow Dash (Loyalty). I think it was a fun addition how her element is strongly tied to dragons (see S7E16) since the beginning and it's a nice touch. Smolder is the roughest of all six members and while she shares a lot of personality traits with Rainbow Dash (like being cool) she's also very honest with herself. In S8E22, Smolder's fear isn't really a fear and more of a wake-up call to herself. She likes cutesy things. She admits it and even joins the cheerleading team which is considered a more feminine sport (S9E15). I think it's really interesting how she also evokes characters to be more true to themselves such as Garble (S9E9) and even Rainbow Dash (S9E15). With these ideas in mind, I think Smolder's element is integrity for the sole reason that she is just really good at making people realize that there is no reason not to be true to yourself. She sees how other creatures perceive dragons, and does her best to allow characters like Spike and Garble be the dragons they want to be (liking pony-things like sewing and pillows S2E21 and S9E9 for Spike and slam poetry for Garble S9E9). How these tie to her predecessors is as such: it's brave to be yourself in a world (or in this case, species) that may not appreciate the full you, and it takes a loyalty to stand by your side while you admit to yourself who you truly are.

Sand Bar - Patience Finally, we have Sand Bar. Sand Bar was the hardest and yet easiest of the six to come up with an element. He has the least character development and also not a lot of personality aside from being very chill and being a really good ally to the other creatures. Because of this, I think he is the element of patience. His predecessors are Healing (Meadow Brook) and Kindness (Fluttershy), and both are key in being patient. This pony took his time with the other creatures, sharing his culture and making them feel welcome. He went out of his way to find Yona and listened to her, making her feel better by letting her know how he felt (S9E7). It was interesting to see the juxtaposition between Yona and Sand Bar, since Yona is very impulsive while Sand Bar is a 'go-with-the-flow' type pony and this just confirmed the idea that he is very patient, especially if he [romantically] likes Yona of all creatures. Aside from that though, there isn't many other eps I can reference that can support this decision. FINAL THOUGHTS--- So with everything said and explained, overall I think these elements are really necessary for both friendships but also could be helpful for them to be ambassadors or something along those lines to their kingdoms or go around helping stop feuds among kingdoms. The idea that these elements could be used to stop evil through artifacts is also something that could be further explored into although there's not much I could look into since there wasn't much information about all of them to begin with. One final thing, this is all just my interpretation and obviously can be up for debate, I only ask that if you do want to counter or even bring more evidence to the table that you do it kindly. I thought about this for a long time and tried my best to provide references as much as possible, so please respect that! Other than that, thank you for reading up to this point, I hope you enjoyed it and maybe sparked some conversations!

[yeojaa]

in the night, ii.

read part one!  dedicated to my beloved wofe @periminkle​ because she loves assassin!kook and so do i.  i honestly dunno how many parts to this non-couple couple i’ll do but ... i cannot resist them.  oops.

pairing.  jjk x reader.  rating.  ... general?  tags.  soft romance in the form of:  pining, cuddling, playing chess like losers, using a hotel room for the lamest reasons.  maybe a very lil bit of angst if you squint at the right times.  it’s just them being...  them?  ig.  wc.  1.8k.  beta reader.  @hobi-gif​ 💛

“You know, when you asked me to meet  you here, this isn’t what I had in mind.”

He can’t help but laugh, the sound teetering off his tongue into the tepid lake of espresso sitting in his cup.  You’re glaring down at the board, hand poised at your side.  You’re so focused - more so than when you’re stitching him up.  

He wonders, idly, whether that should worry him.  It won’t.

“You’re not having fun?”  He hums, the slyest smile passing over the rim of ceramic, a certain twinkle in his stare.  It’s possible he’s overtired - he hasn’t slept in what feels like ages - but there’s something awfully amusing about the sight of you, brow knit and mouth pursed into a grimace he seldom sees.  “Got something else in mind, Doc?”

You don’t humour him with a response, advancing your king to C7.  

“You sure about that one?”

“Yes.”  It snaps past your lips like cinnamon bubble gum.

Seeing you so riled up - not quite irritated but overly competitive - makes Jungkook snort, setting his cup down with a soft, drawn out sigh.

“Come here.”  It isn’t readily clear where he means but he leaves it up to you, watching you keenly. 

You’re having none of it. “Make your move.”

“Come here,”  he repeats, just that bit harder.  The edge doesn’t reach anywhere but his words;  his eyes are still a little tired, half-lidded and dreamy.  They pair nicely with the full of his cheek, how it ticks rounder and reveals a singular dimple.  Your weakness - or so he’d like to think. 

It’s with a surprising amount of dramatics that you remove yourself from the opposite seat, folding yourself into his lap with only a handful of movements.  He welcomes your weight, curling an exhausted arm around the shape of your waist. 

With your back to the arm rest, you settle with your head against his shoulder, nose cold against the column of his throat.  He can even feel the steel of your glasses, gold-rimmed and delicate. 

“Bored?”  The tone of his voice is lilting, teasing, dressed up with laughter.  It disappears into your crown of velvet, loosely braided and knotted behind your ear in your signature no-fuss fashion. 

“No.”  But it isn’t very believable because you certainly sound unenthused. 

He tries again, with fingers that flex into the soft, bare flesh of your thigh;  his other hand guides your chin, drawing your attention fully from the abandoned chess set.  “Want to order room service?”

It’s the least he can do, he figures.  Something to ease whatever mocking resentment seeps out of your skin - much like his had only hours earlier. 

Note to himself:  pick up some new clothes.  

“I want every dessert on the menu,”  you finally relent, with a terribly serious set of your jaw and intensity in your eyes.  

He snorts, again, squeezing the yielding softness of your hip in his broad palms. “I’ll call down and order.  You go take a shower or something.”  It’s not as dismissive as he means;  the blouse you’d worn over is stained red, the colour bleeding garishly over cream silk.  It even marks your skin now, caught beneath your nails and over your wrists. 

“What - it’s not a good look on me?”  

Your feigned affront is addictive, coaxing in a way he’s utterly defenceless against.  Still, Jungkook rolls his eyes - an exaggerated reveal of bright white sclera - and levels you with a look that might serve him better than the gun that rests on the coffee table.  “Don’t ask stupid questions, Doc.”

“But you do stupid things all the time.”  You’re not wrong and if there’s anyone worthy of calling him out in this same way, it’s you.  Doesn’t mean he takes it any more kindly, glowering at you so heavily he thinks you might be enjoying it. 

“Name one time,”  he retorts, fully on the defensive.  Even though he knows you’re right.  Even though he could list off just five things since last night. 

Getting ambushed in his own home

Cracking some not-so-poor guy’s skull on the corner of his Nakashima dining table 

Asking for you to make a home (or rather, hotel) call 

Asking for you at all

Asking you to stay 

He hopes you won’t catch onto the last three. 

“That time I told you to not overextend yourself after you cracked three ribs and you came back the next day complaining because you’d piledrived a guy through some scaffolding but, and I quote, ‘it wasn’t a big deal’?”  Okay, you have him there.  “Or the time I told you to take the pills in the left drawer and you took the ones from the right and ended up passed out on my floor for twelve hours?”  Another solid and mildly embarrassing example.  “Or—”

“Okay, okay.”  A single hand held aloft in the universal sign of stop;  the other remains comfortable around your waist, digits tracing figure eights over the porcelain skin beneath your top.  “I get it.”

You’re undeterred, pushing forward with abandon.  “Or inviting me to a hotel to not only stitch you back together but also play silly children’s games?”

“Hey - chess is fun!”  And so were Gin Rummy and Speed, the other two activities he’d foisted upon you post-sewing session. 

“You’re an idiot,”  you state, with a surprising amount of affection.  He doesn’t mind when it comes like this, dipped in honey and rolled in fairy floss. It satisfies his sugar craving, filling the spaces between his molars with cavities. 

“You still came,”  he challenges.  

“Just adding it to the dozens of favours you already owe me.”

He grins, roguish and far too handsome for his own good.  Even tired, with lurking shadows beneath his eyes, he’s unbelievably bright - like it’s radiating out of him.  It’s quite funny when he’s speckled in gore, blood tainting tanned skin and reminding you that he’s not all sunshine and rainbows. 

“How will I ever pay you back?”

You’re close - far too close, even sat in his lap.  Jungkook can see every freckle on your face, every lash that frames the prettiest stare he’s ever seen.  He has to remind himself he’s waiting for an answer;  it’s hard when all he wants to do is kiss you. 

He thinks you must want it too, by how the silence stretches on, catching the pair of you like a Chinese finger trap. 

“Doc?”  Barely a word, made in a whisper. 

Can you feel how his heart beats, trips and fails to right itself when you’re so close he can smell the coffee on your breath?  Is it your medical training that gives him away?  Or maybe just the fact that you’re attuned to everything about him because he’s, well, him?

Your big stupid idiot, for all intents and purposes. 

He wants to ask.  He wants to kiss you. He wants a hundred mundane things (like playing cards and eating sweet treats) only with you. 

You tear it all away with a pat to his head and a wicked smile.  “With all the dessert in the world.”

He scowls then, the expression wolfish and touched with agitation.  It presents in the narrowing of his stare, his sharply set jaw.  “Sounds like pretty lame payback to me.”  Can you hear the edge of petulance, how it colours syllables the faintest shade of goblin green?

“Got something else in mind, Jeon?”

Having his words thrown back at him only makes him laugh.  It reverberates out of his bare chest, filling the quiet of the luxury suite;  it bounces around just as you do, leaping to your feet with a grace he can’t mimic.  He’s mesmerised, as he always is, gaze trained on you - your loosened bun, the curves of your back, how you look in the jeans that look nearly painted on they fit you so well. 

“Grab a bath, Doc,”  he returns - less of a suggestion and more of a demand. 

“Better have those desserts once I’m out.”  A threat rather than a joke, though you’re far too unassuming with your old lady glasses and wide, expressive stare.  For your sake, Jungkook crosses a heart across his chest and nods solemnly, earning him a devastating grin that works far better than your intimidation. 

“Have I ever let you down?”

You’re already gone, a trail of your clothes left like breadcrumbs.  He still hears you.  “I mean - you did bring a knife fight to my door.”  

“We don’t talk about that!”  He calls back before the sound of running water takes over, distorting your laughter.  Neroli and cedar wood comes - your signature scent.  He can’t help the way he inhales deeply, satisfied, as he plucks the room phone from its holder.  It’s an addiction, a second nature action that he can’t help, whether you’re curled in his arms or tending to his broken, bleeding body. 

It’s dangerous, he knows.  

His old mentor would tell him don’t get involved, Jeon.  That living a life like this came with sacrifices.  Things he’d never really cared for - at first.  But now?  

He daydreamt about them more often than he should, in all the quiet moments in between.  They painted the prettiest pictures in his mind, wishful thinking in the form of everyday occurrences:  coffee in the morning, you in his (unstained) clothes, drives in the countryside, a bed shared at night. 

All because of you and your healing hands.  He’d never thought you’d be so good at your job, stitching him up inside and out.

It’d be better if he left, packed his ruined clothing and stopped appearing on your doorstep.  It’d keep you safe - and him, too.  Relationships meant weakness and in his line of work, weakness was something to be exploited, like an open wound with a thumb pressed into it.

Instead, he waits until the cart of desserts appears - lemon tarts and basque cheesecake and a dozen other things that scream diabetes! - and wheels it right into the bathroom, closer to you, because he always wants to be closer to you.  

“These don’t look like apples, Doc,”  he hums, settling himself on the back edge of the tub, careful not to dislodge the towel that’s folded beneath your neck.  The wet of your hair seeps into the material of his pants, sticking cloth to sinew and brawn. 

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away but a tray of desserts will keep me here forever.”

“You planning on living here?”  Quipped with an offering - a cocoa masterpiece of four layers, held gingerly between his thumb and forefinger.  

“Might as well milk it,”  you tease, accepting the bite with love in your eyes and a tongue that sweeps, just barely, over his suddenly electrified skin.  He knows what you’re doing just as well as you do;  it’s next to impossible not to lean into the desire, slide the digit home and press down into muscle until you’re drooling around it.

“Might as well,”  he echoes, those same fluttering pink hearts reflected in his stare.

tag list.  @neverthefirstchoice​ @youwannabelostandnotbefound​ 

[asocier]

education headcanons: a guide*

          a lot of these headcanons aren’t set in stone due to the fact i’m just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about some muse’s specific education path, but i thought it’d be helpful to lay out some basics i’ve never explicitly expressed on this blog for the sake of reference and access! 

          after completing high school, alison enrolled in an arts program at a local university but only completed one full semester before withdrawing due to unforeseen financial difficulties. ever since, alison has not returned to school formally, though she continues to hone in her sewing, artistic, and designing skills via workshops offered to the public taught by some professionals in the fields she’s interested in. as such, her learning is a bit unstructured and scattered, but it’s more manageable for her and her current position in her career. likewise, the veterans of her workplace take alison under their wing and show her a lot about the fashion industry, and alison’s aunt teaches alison about some of the business aspects of running a company. you could say, then, that alison’s schooling is very immersive. if asked whether she’ll ever return to school in the future, assuming she can afford it, alison is very ambivalent. she’s more likely to pursue an official degree if she sees a real need to, though with how things are going, she doesn’t seem to have that need.

          leah graduated high school with high honors and ranked within the top ten of her class. she currently attends a large university and is pursing a bachelor’s of science in psychology. because of the type of degree she is pursing, leah has to take a wide range of required general education classes, even if they seem to not quite align with her psychology major. she’s canonically only in her second year of school, and after graduation, she intends to go on to get a master’s in educational psychology ( which is different from school psychology btw! ) so that she can work with children in the school system in the future. 

          in some timelines i’ve plotted with mutuals, leah actually continues with her psychology studies and goes on to get a phd and also remains very involved in academia such that she actually is a university professor, so this is an alternate route for leah’s future too!! it’s more likely that leah would be heavily involved in research rather than providing services to the public if she takes on this route, but a person’s path is rarely straightforward so it’s possible she does a bit of everything tbh. 

          emile knew from the get-go that he’d stick with community college right after high school. he told a lot of people that he was going to follow his father’s footsteps and be a lawyer, but deep down, he wasn’t really sure if that was something he’d actually enjoy. still, emile remains on that path for a bit, completing the necessary associate’s degree that will allow him to grasp the basics to be a legal assistant, and that’s kind of where he’s at right now in terms of career and education. he knows he wants to go back to school, and his he’s learning towards a history degree, but the question is always what do i even do with that, so you can imagine his reservation. also — money. 

          grace is still very young, so her path is very flexible, but i definitely headcanon that she completes high school as either valedictorian or salutatorian ( assuming everything goes well for her because, you know, colleges don’t like academic dishonesty ), gets into a really prestigious university, and just knocks it out of the ball park with her time in university both academic and extra-curricular wise. i’m not really sure what sort of degree grace would pursue, but i could see her studying music and trying her hand at composing. it’s also likely that grace studies economics or business since i like to imagine that after university, or maybe even during it, she gets involved in a start up company of some sort or just really involved in business in general. grace is out to be a ceo so watch out!

          i dont talk about cedric’s education a lot, but i actually do have a solid headcanon that he’s a business major. his university days were like kind of what you’d imagine for a rich white boy — he sailed through his classes and partied a lot along he way, and of course, because of who he was, he was practically untouchable, unfalliable, even though we all know that’s not true. but yeah, in canon, i guess you could say cedric has been out of school for a few years now and is definitely doing a lot of business owning seeing as how, while a bartender, he still co-owns the bar he works in and is trying to start his own business as well. 

         idk what the fuck nate does honestly, but i imagine it’s not a lot of schooling. if he did go to university, it’s because cedric was paying for it, or, it’s that the two boys lived together while cedric was in university, so nate got access to the social side of uni without actually doing the uni work. i kind of doubt that nate formally attended university after high school, and it’s probably more likely that he went to community college for a few classes to get by, but seeing as how he has terrible work ethic, it’s likely he doesn’t complete a formal degree. still, i imagine nate can really focus in non-traditional classroom setting, and by that, i mean like, online classes. so you can imagine how much he actually thrives when taking online classes for subjects he’s actually interested in, so i feel like he’d be a fan of skillshare and sites like that that make knowledge more accessible even if it is a subscription. that’s probably how nate manages to develop his craft despite being a lazy bum at home honestly. 

          my boi aito actually hated school when he was in high school surprisingly enough. it was during high school did he develop a big “fuck you” attitude to figures of authority in his school, but he mellowed out a lot in university once he got to experience a bit more freedom in classes and pathways. aito did well in high school though, following a similar path as leah and graduating at the top of his class, which confused a lot of people because he wasn’t even in class for the most part. but anyway, in university, aito is an engineering student, but he also took a lot of classes in computer science and astronomy for the fun of it. 

          he does go on to get a master’s, and similar to leah, he does have a potential route where he gets really involved in academia and becomes a professor who teaches physics and astronomy classes while conduction his own research. dare i say aito would ever combine these two subjects and deepen his study in astrophysics instead of engineering if he ever had the chance to??? potentially!! honestly, aito is such a flexible muse when it comes to academics because i swear, he just wants to learn everything. the sky’s the limit with him, tbh. 

[star-spangled-eyes]

Winner Take All: Part 2: The Pizza Place

This alternate universe fan fiction uses characters created and owned by Pixelberry Studios. Character names, descriptions and likenesses are owned by Pixelberry Studios. The MC, Bragnae Bennett, and story is created and owned by this author.

Book: The Royal Romance (Alternate Universe)

Alternate Universe Theme: Senior Year of College for Drake, Leo, Bragnae and Madeleine in the United States  

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC / Leo Reese x MC (Bragnae Bennett – *pronounced Brawn-yah)

Warnings for this series: NSFW, Adult content, suggestive and strong language, sex

Series Description: Bragnae Bennett sought adventure when she first went off to college. Now, navigating through her senior year, she finds herself befriending two gorgeous guys, Drake Walker and Leo Reese, who engage in a seemingly innocent bet with her during a game of pool that leads to a surprising threesome.

Their intimate evening prompts deeper feelings than they all expected to arise, and Bragnae is suddenly swept up in both of their charms, unique to each man himself. Through the pressures of college, work and maintaining a social life, which man will prevail and win Bragnae's heart?

Master List

A/N: I wrote this originally as a HOT one shot back in February, but my brain kept the story going. I think I can have some fun with this, so I’m continuing the story of Winner Take All. The second part continues immediately after the first part ends. If you need a refresher, please click on the master list and read the first part: The Bet. I hope you enjoy the ensuing love triangle between Drake and Bragnae and Leo.

Also, I listed a few people under the series tags that liked my original post for Winner Take All. I thought you might like to see the continuation. If you’re not interested in being on the series tag list, just let me know and I’ll remove you. Thanks!

Warnings for this chapter: NSFW, Adult content, the aftermath of their threesome is discussed, suggestive and strong language

Word Count for this chapter: 3175

Setting for this chapter: What happens once the passion and excitement of the three way returns to reality?

Permatags: @burnsoslow​​​ @cora-nova​​ @dcbbw​​ @thorfosterlove​​​ @emceesynonymroll​​​ @edgiestwinter​​​ @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld​​ @msjr0119​​​ @notoriouscs​​​ @drakewalker04​​​ @pedudley​​​ @desiree-0816​ @choices-lurker​ @kingliam2019​ @loveellamae​​ @drakexnadira @flutistbyday2020​ @indiana-jr​ @moonlightgem7​

Series Tags: @yukinagato2012​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​ @nomadics-stuff​ @ravenpuff02​ @texaskitten30​ @themadhatter1029​ @randomfandomteacher​

Part 2: The Pizza Place

“I’m going to jump in your shower, Bragnae.” Leo pulled himself out of her, giving her a quick swat on her bottom before retrieving his clothes and heading to the bathroom.

There was immediate relief from the fullness she felt before now that Leo had vacated her back door. Without an extra set of hands to help hold her up, Drake shifted his arms to support her entirely. She gave him an impressed, sensual look before wrapping her legs around his waist to assist him.

Bragnae felt like putty in his arms. She had just had one of the best sexual experiences of her life, and even though the men did most of the work – okay, all of it, she could barely move except to hold onto Drake’s neck and shoulders as he walked over to her bed.

Drake slowly lowered them both to the lavender bedspread. She unhooked her legs as he finally broke their intimate connection. She already missed the feeling of him being inside her.

When she thought he’d stand up again, Drake surprised her by dipping down to kiss her, slowly and with a tenderness that could soften steel. Bragnae ran a hand through his chestnut hair, and pressed her palm into his back to hold him close.

After another moment of getting lost in his gentle but deep kisses, he raised his head again, keeping his eyes on hers.

“How do you feel?” He whispered.

A slow, dazed smile crossed over her lips. “Wonderful.” She felt ravaged, and definitely sore, but her answer came from the warm and beautiful moment she just shared with Drake. The way he thoughtfully carried her to the bed instead of just letting her awkwardly dismount from his arms meant something. He was sweet, considerate, and something about him told her his feelings ran deeper than just wanting to engage in an impromptu threesome with her.

He grinned. “Me too.” His eyes flicked to her lips, and just as he leaned in for another kiss, the sound of the shower’s faucet turning off caught their attention.

She watched Drake’s eyes look to the bathroom with a sudden alertness before he returned his attention to her. “I better get dressed.” He stood, taking a blanket from the foot of the bed and draping it over her before he reached for his clothes.

Bragnae gripped the blanket to keep herself covered as she sat up against the pillows. Drake got dressed in silence, looking over at her once his lower half was clothed. He opened his mouth to speak just as Leo reemerged into the room fully dressed. Drake immediately looked away, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Damn, bro, you take a long time to get dressed.” Leo said as he traipsed over towards the bed. Drake ignored his comment and proceeded to put the rest of his clothes on.

Leo tossed himself on the bed next to her, bouncing both of them on the mattress, making her giggle at his child-like behavior. “I had a great time tonight, Bragnae.” He moved a lock of hair out of her face. “Was it everything you thought it could be?”

“It was better than anything I could have imagined. You two are very talented.”

Leo patted her leg over the blanket. “I knew you’d like it. I’m certainly glad I suggested it. You are one scorching hot babe.” He leaned in to capture her lips, catching her a little off guard. When he pulled away, Bragnae noticed Drake looking at them with uncertainty in his eyes. Leo blew out a whistle. “Love those full lips, too. Damn.”

Leo kissed her again before abruptly leaping off the bed. “Come on, Drake. You ready? Let’s get something to eat on the way home.”

The vibe Drake was giving off made Bragnae unexpectedly feel guilty for the way Leo kissed her. Just minutes ago, the act of having a threesome with the two men, kissing them both and letting them share her was acceptable. But now, it seemed as if that was no longer appropriate, or at least to Drake it wasn’t.

The way Drake had kissed her while Leo was in the shower was incredible and definitely resembled more than just a post-coital kiss still wrapped up in the passion of it all. It had gravity. It meant something. Whereas Leo’s just now was playful and light-hearted. A drastic difference just like everything else they had showcased that night.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.” Drake sighed.

Bragnae got off the bed, wrapped the blanket tightly around her, and walked the guys to the front door.

“Later, Bragnae,” Leo said before leaving her apartment.

Drake’s stride was slower than usual as he reached the door. She wanted him to stay, even if it was a few seconds longer, so she’d try her best to draw it out. She ran a gentle hand down his back. “Be safe driving home.”

He turned his head to look at her. Hesitation struck. “Thanks for having us over.”

She didn’t know what to say. The usual response to that statement ‘anytime’ seemed wrong at the moment, not to mention she wasn’t sure she wanted to welcome that kind of attention to herself again. One threesome in her life was plenty. She wasn’t the type of girl to engage in sex with two partners at once on a regular basis. She agreed to do this thinking it’d be a one-time thing, among other reasons.

Bragnae nodded and smiled awkwardly. They stared at each other for another moment, saying nothing. She wouldn’t have minded another kiss from Drake, but wasn’t sure how he’d take it. Would he assume she was just indulging in him because of what they just did? Or would he know that a kiss between them would mean more? She decided not to pursue it.

“I’ll talk to you soon. Goodnight, Bennett.”

“Goodnight, Drake.” With one last look, he turned to leave.

~

The next day, Bragnae stopped at the campus cafeteria to grab a drink before her next class. It was Friday, and luckily she only had Astronomy left to attend before she could start her three day weekend. It was her favorite class this semester, and she loved her professor. Although, she’d told Madeleine she’d cover the first half of her shift at the pizza parlor where they both worked, which prohibited her from getting a jump on the weekend. Luckily, she enjoyed her job, so it wasn’t such a burden.

As she rifled through her purse for some change, she heard a familiar voice call her name. She looked up to see Drake approaching her.

“Hey, Drake. How’s it going?” She smiled at him casually, but felt flush suddenly remembering their intimate experience last night. She wasn’t sure if things would be awkward with him, but she was at least glad he was coming up to speak with her now.

“Good. Just finished a test in Chemistry. Shit was hard.” He adjusted his backpack that hung on one of his broad shoulders. “You done for the day?”

She shook her head. “I have to do a presentation on the moon in Astronomy, but then I’m finished. I was just going to grab a drink before class.”

“Oh, I’ll walk with you, if that’s cool. Chemistry was my last class, so I’m done,” Drake offered.

“That’d be nice.” Bragnae reached into her purse to finish collecting a few quarters that had fallen to the bottom, and walked over to a cooler pulling out a vitamin water. After paying for it, she and Drake headed out of the cafeteria.

There was still another twenty minutes before her class began giving Bragnae a nice opportunity to talk with Drake. Ever since he left last night, he had been on her mind. The threesome she had with Leo and Drake was intense and amazing, but it was completely out of character for her.

She was in college now, her senior year – theirs too, and she wrote it off as sewing wild oats. With both gorgeous men staring her down across the pool table last night willing her to agree to Leo’s bright idea, it was hard to say no. She made a deal with herself before leaving for college that she’d be more adventurous and open to new ideas. That just so happened to translate to sleeping with two men at the same time.

Bragnae didn’t regret it, but she did feel different. She liked both guys, and had wanted to get close to either of them, but until last night, neither one had made a move. Drake and Leo were good friends and roommates, so she didn’t feel right going after one and not the other. Turned out they compromised and shared her anyway – for last night at least. How would she navigate it now if they both had wanted more?

“So,” she began. “Do you have any fun plans for the weekend?”

“I just have an early shift at the rink tomorrow. Other than that, not much going on.” Drake worked at the local ice rink. He bounced around doing different jobs like monitoring skaters on the ice and driving the Zamboni in between events. He was a hockey player, so the owner would give him time to practice on the rink during breaks and after hours. Bragnae had gone to hang out with him a few times.

“That’s good. It’s nice to have a low-key weekend every now and then.” Drake held the door for her as they stepped inside the Science Building. Bragnae’s classroom was right around the corner. She stopped in the middle of the pathway where a few benches were and turned to face him.

“So, do work tonight?” He asked.

“I do, but only until 8:00pm. I’m covering for Madeleine. I took the rest of the weekend off so I could enjoy three days of no work and no school.” She watched as Drake nodded, looking down at the ground as if he was disappointed. “Did you want to do something tonight? With me, I mean.”

His eyes lit up as they found hers again. He rubbed the back of his neck as he prepared a response. “Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to hang out. Maybe watch a movie or something. But you’ll probably be tired from work.”

“No, it’s fine. Why don’t you come over to my place around 8:30pm, and we can check out what Netflix has to offer. I’ll even bring a pizza home with me. Sound good?”

Drake grinned. “That sounds perfect.”

“Great. Any particular pizza you’re hoping for?”

“Whatever you bring home is fine. Thanks.”

She nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you tonight, then.” There was an awkward vibe suddenly. Bragnae wanted to stand there with him for a few more minutes, but she did have to prepare some notes before her presentation. And Drake didn’t seem to want to go either.

“Looking forward to it. Good luck with your presentation.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, slowly turning away from him. Bragnae was glad Drake wanted to spend time with her again so soon. She feared everything would be awkward after last night, but she was grateful he wasn’t letting it stand in the way of their friendship… or whatever their status was now. She’d hoped to find out soon.

~

Michelangelo’s was packed like it was every Friday night. It was in the heart of the college town where students could walk or drive to it easily from their dorms or apartments. Bragnae usually waited on tables and answered the phone, but would occasionally help make the pizzas if they were short staffed. She had worked there ever since she was a freshmen, so she had gotten to know each position of the restaurant very well. Tonight, she had to cover it all.

The pizza parlor was quaint. There were ten tables inside with a small patio in the back that had more seating. Michelangelo’s served beer and soda, and prided themselves on having the best brick oven pizza in town. The owner was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan, hence the name of the restaurant, so there were turtle action figures in display cases, comic book covers and other décor that hung on the walls. It was a popular establishment earning the loving nickname of ‘Mikey’s’ from the locals.

It was 7:30pm and the dinner rush was in full force. For such a tiny building, it could hold a lot of people and a lot of noise. Bragnae popped in the kitchen to place her pizza order to take home, and ran back out to take a new table’s order.

As she walked through the crowd she came up to a table with two guys. The one she could see had shorter brown hair that was styled into a nice faux-hawk. She hadn’t seen him before, but he was cute.

“Hey, welcome to Mikey’s. My name is Bragnae. What can I get you to drink?”

“Bragnae!”

She looked to the second guy who had been hidden by the tall booth before. “Leo! Hey!” She wore a bright smile that he reciprocated.

“I didn’t know you were working tonight,” he said, letting his eyes trail down her body.

“Yeah, I’m covering for Madeleine for the next,” she tilted her wrist, “twenty-five minutes.”

Leo shifted in the booth leaning against the wall and relaxing an arm on the table top. “Well, then you should join us when you’re finished. Oh! This is my friend Maxwell. Maxwell meet Bragnae.”

She extended her hand to shake his. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

Bragnae turned her attention back to Leo. “I’d love to, but I have plans once I’m done here.”

“What a shame,” he said, truly looking like he was disappointed. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

Grinning, she answered, “I haven’t decided yet.”

Leo leaned forward in the booth. “Well, maybe I’ll call you, and we can find something fun to do.”

“Sure, I’d like that.” She and Leo smiled at each other for another moment until Maxwell cleared his throat. Bragnae chuckled at herself. “So, what can I get you guys?”

“Two beers and a large sausage,” Leo told her, then looked across the table. “What will you have Maxwell?”

Bragnae guffawed. “Where the hell do you put all that, Leo?” She shook her head in amazement as he playfully shrugged, then looked to Maxwell.

“I’ll have the same, but make mine pepperoni.”

“Sounds great. I’ll be right back with your beers.” She gave them each a smile, and headed back to the kitchen to place their order before going to the bar to fill the drinks herself.

Placing the four beers on a tray, she carefully maneuvered her way back to Leo and Maxwell’s table. After she transferred them all to the wooden surface she picked up her tray, and felt a hard slap on her butt. Before she could react, Leo flew out of the booth. Bragnae turned in time to see him grabbing some guy by his shirt before slugging him in the face.

She gasped as the guy fell to the ground looking dazed. Leo bent down to pick him up again. Both fists gripping the fabric of his shirt.

“Don’t touch her again, asshole.” Leo gave him a violent shove towards the door. The guy’s friends followed him out of the restaurant, looking back at Leo with awe and disgust. They had obviously been drinking and chose the wise course of not pursuing any retaliation.

Leo’s hands lightly cupped her waist, standing close to her because of the crowd. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she said without really thinking about it. Then she nodded. “Thank you. Unfortunately, that happens about once a week.”

“That’s fucked up. What do you do about it when I’m not around?” His hands tightened around her making her feel utterly safe.

“Not that. If the manager sees it, he’ll kick them out, but I usually tell them to fuck off. Then, I keep my distance.” She swallowed looking up into his bright blue eyes.

“Well, you need to do more than that. I’ll teach you sometime.”

“Okay, thanks.” She smiled. It was nice to have someone stand up for her like that, and even nicer to feel Leo’s hands on her.

“You’re welcome.” He moved to sit down in the booth again.

“I’ll go check on your pizzas.” Bragnae stopped by a few other tables before making her way back to the kitchen. It was almost time to go.

Madeleine walked through the back door, stringing an apron around her waist before walking over to Bragnae. “Thanks for covering for me. Any tables I need to finish out for you?”

Bragnae removed her own apron, and boxed the pizza she was bringing home. “Yeah. Leo’s here with a friend. They’re waiting on a large pepperoni and sausage at table 3. And tables 5, 8, and 10 have their checks.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll bring your tips home later. It’ll be after midnight though,” Madeleine told her as she checked on the two pizzas for Leo’s table. Madeleine was Bragnae’s roommate, and had been since they were able to move out of the dorms sophomore year. They were very different in a lot of ways, but she had become a good friend to Bragnae. Reliable and fun even if she was a little self-centered sometimes.

“Thanks, girl! I’ll grab it from you tomorrow.” Bragnae grabbed the pizza box and her purse and walked out towards the front. She swung by Leo’s table to say goodbye, and left the restaurant.

The pizza parlor was a two minute drive back to her apartment. She could have walked, and sometimes she did, but she was always cautious about walking the streets at night especially on the weekends when the drinks were plenty and lots of guys were looking to get laid. She’d had an instance of a few guys catcalling her one night when she walked home, and they got a little too close for comfort. It was then she decided not to take any chances.

Her apartment was on the first floor, which she appreciated after long days at work and school. Once inside, she sat the pizza on the kitchen counter, and rushed to change out of her work t-shirt and jeans, and into a teal spaghetti strap top and black leggings. She took her hair down, primping it to add more volume, and spritz some perfume on her chest and at the base of her neck under her hair.

She was grateful for the extra time to prepare for Drake’s arrival. The man was always punctual. Touching up her make-up, she heard a knock at the door. She quickly rolled some gloss over her lips and went to door, opening it to see Drake standing there wearing a black t-shirt and jeans, and a six-pack of beer in his hand.

His eyes traveled down her body as a soft smile began to appear. “Hey, Bennett.”

[jesswsc1]

Initially, I wasn’t overly sure how to interpret our title of ‘black books and black holes’. I’ve felt awfully low for a while, and it’s been heavy on my mind, so I figured I’d take this project as somewhat of an opportunity to reflect on the past, troubles i’ve had as well as using it as a kind of venting of current frustrations. These low points act as my own personal black hole, as I fall down into them for some time. Similarly to how black does, they absorb any kind of light surrounding. To me, at times, this has meant not enjoying things I’ve adored prior - such as spending time with loved ones, music and hobbies. Growing up there were several black holes, but amongst them I have fond memories with my cousins, siblings and childhood friends. Somebody who has always been there for me (whether it be through choice or not) has been my brother. I decided to incorporate pictures of us throughout my little black book as homage to him as he is truly one of my favourite people ever, despite the troubles I don’t think our bond has ever gone away - it’s merely taken small redirections. I have such admiration for him and know I can rely on him and speak free from judgement. Years ago, I believe it was 2013, he fell ill and this meant he had to be hospitalised for a couple months. It was really hard for my family and was of course even more difficult for him. Seeing as he was hospitalised, this meant regular trips to the hospital, on the car journeys we’d always have the same Passenger CD playing in the car. I guess we just never got around to changing it. On this CD was a particular song that we’d all sing along to, which funnily enough is called ‘holes’. Hearing this song now makes me feel so safe and hopeful, knowing it got me as well as my family through a rough period in time. I made sure to incorporate some of the lyrics into one of my book spreads. One line reads, ‘but we carry on’, which has definitely stuck with me.

The constellation element of our project had me reflecting on space and the universe, and what exactly it means to me. Although I’m not too into space, I’m definitely fond of the moon. After my parents divorced, I was left in custody of my mum for a while. A teacher told me to look at the moon, because she’d be looking at it too at the same time and thinking of me. During this time I was living in a troubled home (I made this house the exterior of my book*) and would be heavily supported by her in school. She’d give me notebooks to express myself in and explain what was happening, as well as a departing gift when I inevitably left to go live with my dad here in Bury. Despite being a small part of my life, she still means a lot to me and has a place in my heart. Though not physically present with me anymore, she cared enough to find me years later and reached out to make sure I'm doing fine. It's reassuring knowing there are people as pure as she is. Because of this I dedicated a small section of my book to her that looks like a slither of the moon when the pages are flipped back onto it. 

My black book was titled ‘Wailing Ghosts’ by Pu Songling, containing 14 tales of various monsters and creatures, which is fitting to my work revolving around numerous burdens I have that seem to act as these little monsters also, creeping up every now and again. I did consider creating my own ‘chapters’, one for each black hole of mine, but didn’t want to structure my book in that way as I didn’t want to disrupt my creativity or force things.

          I say ‘was’ because I actually decided I wasn’t all that keen on how i’d layed my pages out. I instead took a second black book and collaged, reworked and inserted pages into a new one. I’m really glad I did so, as I now have a book I much prefer over the first. An aspect I did keep relatively whole was the swirly, illusion-looking front cover with a hole burned through the centre, almost like a little entrance to another world. Stanley Donwood inspired this page through his swirly seas he often features in his works, as he uses a bold thick line against white ones. I opted to put this page underneath my front cover so it still got to be showcased - only cutting a part off the corners to make sure it fit. 

Featured in my book are a few small self portraits, in varying cartoon-y styles. Some are only inspired by my face whilst others were drawn whilst staring into the mirror, then back at the page. Having struggled with low self esteem, there have been times where I don’t even want to perceive myself let alone interpret that into a drawing. Meanwhile doing my book work, I realised I have never drawn a self portrait - not since being a kid anyway - and had even actively avoided doing so during GCSE art. Over the past year or so, I’ve overcome an array of issues I’d had, so found myself able to draw these little portraits. It sounds pretty insane to me now that I would’ve found it so hard before, knowing I enjoyed coming up with various ways to put me in my book, even wanting to print pictures of me (sadly our printers decided to act up so I was not able to implement these). I feature my bathroom mirror on one page as it’s been the target of over-analyzing and although I have come far in self love, it still remains a deadly weapon. 

Claude Heath’s sketchy, rough portraits inspired me to create my own. I really enjoy how reckless his style is, as I'm trying to escape the ‘this has to be perfect’ mentality, Heath is a great example of how you don’t need to overthink your work. It can just exist and look cool. It’s fine. This was also encouraged in Thursday drawing sessions where we did blind drawings. I kept this mindset whilst doing my book as I tend to either overwork myself trying to create ‘perfect’ or do absolutely nothing, so I went with the flow of how my book panned out. 

Seeing as my work theme is a little on the darker side, I considered subduing the colours or perhaps even going full black and white. However, I love utilising colour in my art and felt this would make me feel unmotivated and uninspired. Especially seeing as this book is about me, it’s not insensitive to anybody to make it colorful and exciting. So, I have. Plus, despite everything I’m still smiling so I wanted to convey that somehow. Sort of, making the best out of bad situations. Damien Hirst’s usage of colours influenced me to just have fun with it, in the same way he does when creating his works. 

Throughout my book I have experimented with oil pastel, paint, staples, collage, rorschach ink blotting, screen printing, spray paint, photocopied pictures, flip book, tracing paper, washi tape and i’m sure there’s more. Point is, I wanted to cover a wide range of techniques seeing as there were many pages. In doing so I believe this was the best way as it meant there was a flow of ideas coming as I worked. I’ve learned that I love a range of ways of working as it keeps my brain ticking, meaning the work doesn’t feel stagnant and dull. Sadly there were lots more ideas I had for what to do into my book, but due to various reasons I couldn't. Such as wanting to sew using a sewing machine into my book, I tried to set my sewing machine up but when I would go to sew the thread would snap. But I believe it’s definitely something worth trying another time, as I was intrigued to see how it’d turn out. I also wanted to make a better flip book from the corner of my little page (see animation on blog) as it’s really simplistic. But drawing the little stick men alone took me an hour or so, and I didn’t see that being of much importance compared to getting actual pages filled out. Thus, I left it as a simple stickman. That being said I think the stick man illustrates the cycle of being in a slump, which is relatable to how lockdown is feeling and fits well with my book contents. I felt inspired by an artist who goes by ‘inhalerqueen’ (Amanda) on tiktok, who draws a simple, silhouette-like figure repeatedly. She calls this figure ‘void’ and i’d consider her work to be vent art, expressing how she feels. Originally I wanted to make my stick men look like void, however I don’t think that would be all that beneficial/change the effectiveness and would only take up more time.

If I were to have a soundtrack to my work I would opt for ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay. Reason being, regardless of my state of mind I return to this song and feel the same listening through every time. It’s such a lovely song and just feels like peace, as cheesy as that may sound considering Coldplay is very much dad music. It reminds me of my yellows, and how much they mean to me. Even with the black, I have my yellows. Lyrics to the song can be found in my book also. 

Overall, I’m relatively pleased with my work. There’s no doubt things I would do differently, but I’m glad I’ve had this experience and was able to vent a little similarly to how Amanda does. In future I hope to perhaps recreate this book and treat it as kind of a ‘rough’ or ‘plan’ for a more refined and thought-out version, perhaps this time with chapters like I'd considered and with ideas I didn’t get to delve into.  There are pages I’m not so keen on, but I’m proud of myself for just leaving them as opposed to overworking them and/or scrapping them just because they aren’t what I like. I love the pictures of me and my brother, if I could I would’ve collaged more into my book however our printer simply wouldn’t allow it. As well as the exterior of the book, as I think it adds a personal element as opposed to being left as it was. 

[purplesurveys]

988

survey by ashleybayle

Has anyone ever told you that you looked like a celebrity? Yeah. The most popular opinion I get is Anna Akana and a local singer named Kakie, and then more occasionally I’ve also gotten Lucy Hale. Of course, all of these people are absolutely gorgeous though so it’s hard to accept comments like these lol

When was the last time you got something done to your hair? Professionally, late February. But I trimmed my bangs last Saturday.

Do you have any change on you right now? Barely. I only have a few 1-peso coins and a couple of 25-cent coins left.

What color is the pillowcase(s) on your bed? They’re pink with white lines.

Do you have a favorite day of the week? I like Monday mornings because we have weekly video calls for work and it’s really the only time I get to talk to other people anymore. Even if I can’t really count any of my colleagues as my friends, I’m able to get the human connection I’ve been hungry for and it always leaves me feeling good for the rest of the day.

Cutting your hair extremely short, would you do it? Yeah. That’s what I did last February; I’d do it again once my hair gets too long. I’ll probably go even shorter the next time because depression.

Have you ever been in an art show? I’ve been to art exhibits, if you’re referring to the same thing.

Would you considered yourself to be well-exposed to life or sheltered? I was sheltered for most of my life but I’ve been trying to get exposed to more scary life things so that I slowly start to detach from people I used to normally depend on, like my parents.

How high is your pain tolerance? Not high at all. I bruise like a peach and have near-meltdowns over sharp objects especially if I get pricked by one.

Have you ever played the game Halo? I don’t think so. I could have watched others play it in the past, but I’ve never played the game myself.

Are you wearing any jewelry at the moment? No I’m not.

Is there a sport that you love to play? Table tennis! Futsal was also fun the one or two times I played it, and it was in playing that sport that I learned I apparently make a good goalkeeper. In an alternate universe I probably play football, ha.

Has anything made you sad in the past 48 hours? Yes. That’s a constant state of mind now.

Have you ever had to learn lines for a play/skit/movie? Yes. We were required to do so many skits in high school so making scripts and memorizing lines was part of a normal day.

Do you like your nose? I’ve never complained about it. I don’t normally think about my nose either.

Is there a hair color you prefer on the opposite sex? No.

Kissing someone with facial hair, do you mind? I’ve never tried it, so I don’t have a solid opinion.

Would you ever like to be a stunt person? Sounds fun but I’m barely physically fit for such a role and I’d break a bone almost immediately. Even professional stunt people get injured, so...

Are you a pyromaniac? The furthest thing from it. I’m terrified of fire.

How soon is your birthday? Six months and a day.

Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat? Isn’t everyone prone to doing that once in a while? But yeah, I guess I’m ‘one of those’ people.

Can any of your friends sing very well? Lots of em. Hannah, Tina, Ed, Andi, Michelle, Nacho, etc.

Would you ever enter any kind of pageant? That does not sound interesting to me.

Do you have piano fingers? No :(

What is your preferred curse word? Fuck.

When someone's drunk, the truth comes spilling out, correct? I guess, for some people. Other people express their drunkenness in other ways. But I for sure lose my filter once I’m drunk; it’s a lot easier to ask me questions once I’ve had a few glasses, ha.

Have you ever shouted something random at someone out a car window? I’m sure I’ve rolled down my windows to cuss out a stupid driver once or twice.

Have you ever slept on a beach? No. I know my mom does, but I personally find it risky/dangerous. When it comes to open spaces like the beach, I find it hard to trust people to not be thieves.

Would you like to be taller? It’s not an active wish of mine. It’d always be cool to be taller, but I’m also okay with my current height.

Are you a fan of piercings on the opposite sex? Not necessarily. I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to them.

Have you ever listened to Celtic music? Nope.

Do you enjoy making up words? I’ve never done that, no.

Have you ever been attacked by an animal? Aside from the time a giant bird kind of charged at me at a safari and getting playbites from Cooper, no. Cats hiss at me all the time, but I get out of their vicinity before they can attack me or whatever.

Who did you dance with last? Rita, Blanch, Mik, Laurice, Jum, a bunch of strangers.

When holding hands, do you intertwine fingers? Yeah. That’s my favorite.

Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it? This is gonna get some eyerolls but...Titanic. Forever one of my faves no matter how overrated people find it, hahaha. The “Rose Dawson” scene gets me all the time.

Do you ever talk to the TV? I mean if I have comments about the show I’m watching, yeah I guess I’m technically talking to the TV. But I don’t talk to the TV like a camera, if that’s what you mean.

What's your opinion on Johnny Depp? I feel for him and all the shit he’s gone through with Amber Heard. I’ll always feel bad for having sided with Amber in the past. Movie-wise, not really a fan of his repertoire but I respect his craft and abilities nonetheless.

Have you ever watched the Tudors? Nah but I hear of it a lot, so I’ve always been interested.

Can you speak in different accents? No. My dad’s super good at accents though since he travels a lot for his job. He can do American, Indian, Singaporean, Chinese, Australian, etc.

Who was the last person you mocked/mimicked? The annoying person at the BIR who wasted my time. 

If you write, isn't writer's block the most horrible thing? I’d say it’s inconvenient, but it’s not the worst of my worries whenever it strikes.

Can you sew or knit? No but I’ve made up my mind about learning how to :) I put some cross-stitch kits on my online shopping cart recently and I can’t wait to get my hands busy.

Do you have a favorite pair of jeans? Yesssss. They’re the only pair of jeans I wear these days, on the rare times I have a reason to go out.

What size shirt do you normally wear? XS.

Are you good with money? I’m good with saving if I absolutely have to, but I’m equally good at spending all my money in one go lol

Has anyone ever aimed a gun at you? No. Don’t know how well I’d fare in that; I tend to freeze up and forget words when I’m terrified.

What is the first letter of the person's name you last kissed? G.

Do you use myspace for following celebrities, and facebook for friends? I never regularly used Myspace, and Facebook is for sharing memes, staying updated on the news, and connecting with family and friends. At least up until I deactivated last month.

Have you ever written a song? Maybe in grade school when it was an assignment for class, but never on my own time.

Do you believe there is life on other planets? Other planets in other galaxies perhaps in other universes, sure.

If you think about the universe long enough, it's baffling isn't it? Doesn’t take long for me, but yes it is.

When was the last time you fell? I haven’t in a while.

Are you a fan of Christian Bale? I wouldn’t say so. I don’t think I’ve seen any of his movies. I’ve been meaning to watch American Psycho for years but just never got around to it.

Do you have any sort of debt? No.

Is there an accent you prefer? I don’t know if prefer is the right word since I don’t have any favorite accents, but hmmm I can listen to Florence Pugh’s accent all day.

Have you spoken to the person you love today? Yep.

Would you ever travel to Los Angeles? If given the chance sure, but I honestly prefer other cities.

Have you ever been through a natural disaster? A lot of them.

Is there a specific time period that interests you? I don’t think I’ve ever been hooked to just one specific era...I’m interested in all of them and read about them an equal amount.

Do any of your friends own an expensive car? JM used to drive a Lexus to school on Fridays.

Have you ever been on a train? Just once. I had to go to Manila for a journalism class but I wasn’t willing to drive all the way there, so I took a train and had Jum keep me company because I didn’t know how commuting worked.

Is there a memory that embarasses you to think about? I mean yeah, there are a lot.

Have you ever used different colored paper clips? Possibly.

Where exactly are you right now? In a corner in my room.

Don't you admire those people who know exactly what they want to do? I admire anyone who’s able to make the best of what they’ve got, no matter what their progress is in life. Life shouldn’t be a contest of who gets their shit figured out the earliest or the best way possible.

Is there a guy you can talk to about anything? No.

Have you ever been in a parade? I know I said in a previous survey that I haven’t been to a parade, but now that I think about it I’ve been to several Pride Marches, which kinda count as parades...so yeah, I have been.

Would you ever consider being a news reporter? My entire family wanted me to end up being one, but it was never an interest of mine. I was just too shy to tell them that that’s not really my goal. I like staying behind the camera for the most part.

Are you, or anyone you know, an atheist? Yes and yes, I know several people who are.

Has anyone ever told you to "get a grip"? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten those exact words before.

Do people say you look your age? Or younger or older? Younger.

Have you ever sent a celebrity fan mail? Kind of. Five years ago my friend Heather and I were at YouTube Fanfest where Joe Sugg, Caspar Lee, and Oli White were part of the line-up, and we didn’t anticipate that so many fans would come with gifts even though there was no guarantee of meeting them. We came up with a little gift of our own, which was really nothing more than a tiny post-it saying that we love them lmao (we went to the venue straight after school, hence Heather having school supplies HAHA). It was such a poor-looking gift. We went to their assistant who was SUPER nice about it and didn’t make us feel like shit for our gift which was pretty much worthless and could easily get lost – it was literally a piece of post-it. I doubt it ever got to them, but we gave it a shot anyway.

Are you ashamed of how you acted when you were younger? Some parts of it, definitely. I grew up in a violent household, so I was violent towards my brother when he was a baby, not knowing how serious my actions were. I was also a pain in the ass while I was going through puberty.

Do you ever have those days where you feel you're the ugliest person ever? Yes.

Beauty is both external and internal, correct? Sure.

Have you ever been in a musical? Yeah, in grade school through high school. Never had a solo role, though.

When was the last time you swam in a pool? July 2019.

Is there a friend's family that makes you feel like you're family too? Angela’s. At one point, Katreen’s too, before we grew apart.

How do you know someone is your best friend? When I don’t feel like filtering my words around them, and when I allow myself to be fully vulnerable with them.

When was the last time you used a highlighter? Sometime in February I’m guessing. Before the lockdown and when I still went to school and had readings.

Has a flashlight ever ran out batteries on you in the dark? I don’t think so.

[rkxric]

➜ EVENT: star bright casting ➜ LOCATION: park hyatt hotel - interview room ➜ DATE: sunday 28th 2020

this is dumb. completely and utterly stupid. why did he have to go and let songhee convince him to go to this thing? he’s not cut out for being an idol, he can barely handle people online acting like ‘fans’ of his just because he does tiktoks. he had no performing talents, so he’s just going to make a fool out of himself. at least it’s only an interview, he thinks. he likely won’t make it through to the next round, since he’s got no performing experience like he’s sure a lot of the other people auditioning have. 

do it for the free lunch, eric, he tell himself as he fills out the form, then waits for his name to be called, regularly wiping his clammy palms on his thighs. he’s sitting hunched over his seat, unconsciously trying to make himself as small as possible. he feels like everyone around him can tell just by looking at him that he doesn’t belong here. he’s no singer, no dancer, no rapper - he’s just funny! funny doesn’t make you an idol. 

but, it’s too late to back out when they call his name and he hesitantly makes his way into the interview room, handing over his form and positioning himself opposite the person he assumes is the interviewer standing beside a camera. he’s used to cameras at least, though usually he’s being filmed on his own phone, and not an intimidating looking camera and microphone setup. 

he’s told to introduce himself, and after a moments hesitation, he looks at the camera and smiles. “i’m sohn youngjae, but everyone calls me eric. i was born in la, in america, i’m 19, and i’m currently a composition student at korea national university of arts. i’m also... a barista, a pizza delivery guy and a 7 eleven employee. busy bee, that’s me!” at least he manages to relax while talking, though he’s still worried they’re going to ask him to sing or something. 

“alright eric, nice to meet you. i’m going to ask you a few questions now.” eric nods, his smile though forced and slightly nervous, remains on his lips. 

“okay eric, firstly, why do you want to be an idol?”

dammit. how is he meant to answer this question when he doesn’t want to be an idol? sure, it sounds amazing, singing and dancing on a stage and wearing fun outfits and meeting people who love you for doing something as enjoyable as singing and dancing, but could eric do that? he’s pretty sure that’s an absolutely not. “uh...” his brains whirring, trying to think of an answer that isn’t too much of a lie. “i... i really like dancing. i’ve always liked dancing, and singing - actually when i was a kid my dad got me a toy karaoke machine for christmas once and i did holiday shows for my mum at every little holiday there was, just because it was fun. i suppose being an idol would be way more difficult than singing livin’ la vida loca on a toy karaoke machine in your living room for your mum, but i think it would be worth the hard work.” he pauses, realising he’s sort of strayed from the initial question, and clears his throat with an embarrassed half-smile. “i do dance cover videos on tiktok, actually, and a lot of people seem to like those, and whenever someone tells me they really enjoy my dance videos, it feels... well it feels better than... anything else i think. it’d probably be one hundred times better to hear thousands of people say it about a proper performance, like on a stage.” his answer seems, to him, to suck, but how is he meant to tell someone why he wants to be an idol, when he doesn’t want to be an idol?

“so, singing and dancing are your best skills, are they? do you have any other talents?”

“oh boy, i wouldn’t say singing is a talent of mine. those karaoke shows weren’t at all worth the cookie my mum would pay me for attending them!” he jokes, laughing and relaxing a little, getting used to the situation a little more. “i’d say i’m best at dancing. my tiktok followers seem to like my dancing, so i mustn’t be that bad, right?” again, he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck a little awkwardly this time, realising that this poor woman probably had no idea what tiktok is. “as for other talents, i can actually sing the elements song my tom lehrer and the nations of the world song, both in full without a single mistake!” he exclaims proudly, only to realise the interviewer probably doesn’t know those songs either. “well, i can sew, knit and crochet! those are some fun skills! and juggling!” 

“on your form you put that your biggest influences are mostly girl groups. isn’t that a little strange for a boy?”

“oh, i don’t think so at all!” he responds quickly. “i think girl groups are more marketed towards guys anyway. but music is for everyone, no matter who’s singing it! i like the style of girl group songs more, and i think it’s fun to challenge expectations. so if someone expects me to do a boy group dance, and i do a girl group dance, and i do it well, it’s fun to see the surprise on their face. i do know a few boy group dances, and there’s a lot more power in them than girl group dances, but i like how much emotion goes into girl group songs, which is why i like them a lot more and like to learn the choreo to them.”

“what would you say is the biggest obstacle you’ve have to overcome?”

eric’s lips purse as he thinks over the question. “i... grew up very poor. a lot of the time there wasn’t a whole lot of food, or a very healthy variety of food in my house. i also never wore new clothes, only second hand clothes from goodwill, and, well, children can be mean when you’re different. not only was i an asian boy growing up in a predominantly white area, but i was also far worse off money wise than many of my classmates. i suffered a bit of bullying, but i suppose it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. other than that, moving to a new country as a young teen and having to learn a new language and make new friends was hard.”

“could you tell us a little bit about your family? has your home situation much improved since then?”

the questions about home life and family life aren’t eric’s favourite - it isn’t a topic he’s too open about, thanks to his mum’s problems. but he can sugar coat it, he’s got a lot of practise doing that. “my family was mainly just me and my mum growing up. she didn’t have a very well paying job, but she’s doing better now. my dad wasn’t around a lot as he worked in korea when i was young and growing up in la. things were definitely better when he lived in la as well for a while, but he and my mum weren’t married, so they didn’t like together so i sort of... have a split life. time spent with him i never really had to worry about how much anything cost, but with my mum i really did. i got my first job at thirteen because of it. my family’s not very close, i have a couple cousins, but i didn’t meet them until i moved to seoul, and i don’t see a lot of them often.”

“you said you have three jobs, all while being a student as well. how do you think this impacts your everyday life and overall ambitions?”

“i started working very young. i was a paperboy, so a simple job really, but it helped a little. then i was a milk delivery boy when i moved to seoul, a similarly simple job, and they never took up much of my time. now i have three jobs and as you can imagine they take up a lot of my time, but i have them scheduled around my school hours, so it isn’t too bad. i don’t think much about how they impact my ambitions really, since i don’t have a choice in doing them - if i want to pay rent i have to work. i have some free time here and there though, so i use that time to learn new things and do the things i enjoy, and hopefully when i graduate i can find a better paying job and have more time for the things i enjoy.” he realises too late that ambitions probably meant ‘dream to be an idol’. oh well. 

“so, if you weren’t trying to be an idol, what do you think you’d be doing?”

“probably exactly what i’m doing now.” he’s probably the only person who’s putting absolutely no free time into this ‘endeavour into being an idol’, since he never even thought about it as a career. he’d love to be an idol, but he simply doesn’t have the skills needed, and he isn’t delusional enough to think he does. with more practise and dance or vocal lessons maybe he’d have potential, but he doesn’t have the time nor money for those. “focusing on school, and trying hard to pay my way through it.”

“thank you, eric, that’s all. do you have any questions before we finish up?”

“uh... no, i don’t think i do.” he says, sounding unsure. he’s ready to leave and go and get that free lunch songhee owes him for this awful ordeal. he just hopes she gets something out of this. 

“alright, well, have a nice day.”

“you too!” he replies, then leaves the interview room, head past the other people waiting, and makes his way out of the building, intending to go and find a cafe nearby to wait for songhee in. as much as that felt like a big waste of time, at least i gave him some insight into what actually trying to be an idol might be like. 

[olla-village]

Language biography -My Chinese adventure

1. Here I am 18 years old

So, here I am, 18 years old confused monolingual… Finished my community college just to realize that I hate spending so much time in front of computer screens, writing code at nights, powered by coffee and greasy junk food.

 18 years old meant that I was an adult, at least both I and law of the country agreed on that… I could buy cigarettes, alcohol and tickets to other countries even if my parents were against it. I didn’t need to ask anyone’s permission. It felt like freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility, but that’s the whole different story.

 2.  It was time for something big It was time for something big.But for what? When I was younger I liked to travel to nearby cities by busses and hitchhiking. It was a mixture of being lost, on purpose… and finding something new after every trip. Traveling was my form of learning and escaping from problems at the same time.

 This time I was really lost.No direction. Hitchhiking for a week didn’t help. Yes, I tried. I needed a new medicine. I tried, like many of us nowadays, to find the answer online. Almighty Google knows it all.I didn’t know what to ask. So I decided to look at my bookmarks.

There was a website I read for more than 4 years. Or so. I guess. It is called Magazeta. They also do a podcast. Not some goofy cast, but LaowaiCast. They discuss everything about China through the eyes of laowais, speak Chinese fluently and seem to have all kinds of fun there in the mysterious country.

3. I decided to join them

I decided to become one of them, join this strange tribe. To become a laowai. A proper living in China laowai. And not an expat, who just hangs out with westerners, but a Chinese-speaking laowai. I figured out how much money I needed to study Chinese for a year, found 2 jobs that’d allow me to earn enough in 3 months. June, July and August. I became a taxi-driver, and began to work at a construction site. Not bad for a guy who majored in programming, eh? At least, there were no computers.At all. No screens, not even sunscreen. None of that, nada! I kept researching my new dreamland, China. Almighty Google told me that for my budget and for language learning Top2 options were Tianjin because Mandarin there is very standard, but it is cheaper than Beijing and Shenzhen, the most Mandarin-speaking city in Guangdong. I chose Shenzhen. It’s tropical and close to Hong Kong. I watched many Hong Kong movies as a kid and was interested in Kung Fu.

After working for 14 hours a day for 3 months I hated my jobs enough and was ready to fly to my dreamland. So I did. I kissed my parents and my girlfriend good bye and started my new scary laowai adventure. 4.  I didn’t learn Chinese before went to China I didn’t learn any Chinese before I went to Shenzhen because I read online that it’d destroy my pronunciation forever. So I followed advice of someone Almighty Google led me too. I was proud that I would’t learn broken pronunciation. Stupid. After a few, quite a few days of trains and planes, I arrived in Shenzhen. It was another planet. Humid, incomprehensible, green, terrifying and extremely friendly. No Kung Fu skills required. Beginner friendly.

I ordered a service of an interpreter who would meet me in the airport and help me to get to the hotel, the first and the last time in my life. He was quite surprised when I asked if he has a knife or at least keys when we got to an ATM. It was hard to explain why I sewed my bank-card in my pocket, but he understood that in my country people like to pick pockets. Not the best advertisement for a country, but I was determined and didn’t want to let thieves destroy my plan. 5.  Soon I didn’t go to lessons at all So I got a dorm room, figure out where I can buy pillow and started to learn Chinese in class, but soon I found that I was not able to say tones right and I was late for my writing classes on purpose, to skip that annoying dictation where I’d make a mistake in every character. Soon I didn’t go to lessons at all. I joined Wing Chun classes and hung out with other laowais and Chinese folks instead. My roommate also taught me some Chinese, especially survival kind of stuff or how to ask for cigarettes on the street, his teaching skills were particularly awesome when he was drunk. Sometimes when I met my classmates in campus they asked me why I gave up on learning Chinese, I said that I don’t go to classes, but I still learn Chinese. I hated that one guy who said he learns Chinese just to read stuff and that he doesn’t care about speaking since there’s no reason to talk with Chinese people, what a prick! I don’t hate him anymore. At that time I called my approach “just learn”. It meant learning without homework and tone drills. 6.  Laowai life was fun I spent 4 months like this. I was so busy practicing wing chun, playing football, buying fake shoes, hanging out and exploring Shenzhen that sometimes I forgot to eat for 2 or 3 days. That’s why I sometimes stole my roommate’s sushi that he’d get for free every night. Thanks to well-cooking people who lived in the girls’ dormitory, I was never hungry. I think I looked so skinny they just wanted to feed me on the level of instincts… Long story short, laowai life was fun, colorful and cheap for those who lived in campus. At least, it was for me. For 4 months or so. And then it was over.  The End. Game over. I had to go back home for what I call family reasons. I didn’t finish my 1 year Mandarin course. It was also hard to get my deposit money back, but I did. It was really good for my Mandarin skills. My WeChat was full of contacts. I packed all the tea, gifts I got from strangers in my friend’s dorm and stinky clothes. I was and wasn’t ready to leave. I told my friends that I’d be back for sure, which I doubted.

 The END or To be Continued? That is the question. At that moment, I connected language to living in that country. 7.  I missed China and Chinese Don’t live in China = don’t learn Chinese. So, obviously I gave up learning languages and broke up with my girlfriend. Luckily, I found a lazy job where I could play my phone almost all the time. For several months I just lived in my memories about China and felt some hole growing inside me. I didn’t understand where it was coming from. One cannot go and live abroad and then come back to the farm and pretend it didn’t happen. It is going to change anyone, no matter how hard this naïve person is trying to ignore it. I needed to fill that emptiness. I tried a few things. They didn’t work. Until one day I saw an ad about learning Chinese just by listening. Like literally sitting on my bottom, which I was already doing, I was even getting paid for that, and learning… Chinese! The language of my dream/nostalgia land. I was nowhere near fluency at that moment. Upperbeginner at best. I missed China and Chinese Pod became my new way to connect to the land of rice and cuteness. That emptiness inside was filled. Except for … it wasn’t. But things were getting better, way better. I felt alive again. Or maybe it was that nice Turkish coffee I was drinking while I listened to Chinese Pod? Then I thought that just listening, even good listening was not enough for that hole somewhere inside me. So I thought I need… people! But I still wanna sit on my bottom so if I find people online, I don’t need to spend extra time after job. Multitasking for the win. 8.  I started my new job I found hellotalk and some similar apps with similar names. Hellotalk was the best one, but at that time it was slow, sometimes a message was sent 4 hours or a day later, so I stole people from there by asking their whatsApp number. I started to realize that the missing ingredient in my life, besides people, was Chinese language. I also realized that escapism and dreaming about faraway lands was not an ideal solution. In search of a perfect combination of people and languages, I decided to join a university. I wanted to study Chinese, but they told me that they have teachers, but not so many students want to learn Chinese. Interpretation was not available that year. What a weird year! The only choice was teaching English, which sounded tasty at that moment, since I also wanted to change my job at that moment. I asked for all the details about exams and stuff. It was nice except for the fact that that stinking girl tricked me and I was preparing for master degree entrance exams instead of what I really needed because I was the first one who wanted to join that university that year and she didn’t really know what to tell me. It was a surprise, but I passed it super well, like top2 or something. Probably because I prepared for something way more difficult, thanks to that stinking girl. My score was a big surprise for me, since I’ve never been a top student. At the same time I started my new job. I was a tutor. Teaching kids English.1 on 1. Learning my major by practice. It was awesome. Language became my bread and peanut butter. 9.  I found my jam. It was olla. But I still needed jelly! Peanut butter sandwiches are fine, but they’re nothing like peanut butter jelly ones!

That Sunday I planned to have some rest for my brain and body. So I got a lot of nesquik and scrolled mindlessly through countless web pages full of memes and stupid videos. Until I saw an ad for a language learning app on some page where people who learn English hang out. In comments I read that most users were Chinese. These comments were written in a negative tone, but for me it was pure treasure. Here, I found my jam. It was olla. By that time, hellotalk and its clones were deleted and forgotten for a long time, but I gave olla as much of my precious SD storage and space on the screen as it wanted. I liked it for no particular reason, as I thought back then. Now I do understand that other apps couldn’t provide this kind of sense of community as olla did. It was alive, lively and vivid.

10.  It was addictive

It was a perfect place for me to practice my languages. My way to do it was to provoke people, often it meant arguing with them. I learned to be provocative in many languages. I also learned to pretend to be from different countries. The most difficult one was Australia. Controversy and gossip were my fuel. It was not just any drama, it was international. Better than Argentinian TV series! I tried many ways to catch attention, I hope that psychologists and my future employers don’t read how much of an attention seeker and drama queen I was. A few times I deleted an app and said it was shitty publically, while actually I loved it but was busy studying in my university and knew that I don’t have enough will power to keep studying while olla was still on my phone, it’d be too much of a distraction. It was addictive. Before I deleted it, I posted my email on olla plaza. Jessica was worried or surprised or something of this nature and wrote me an email. She helped me to deliver my messages to my biggest language buddy. It was one directional isolation and made me way more mysterious than I’ve ever been before. Because of me being such a d... dumbass, many people hated me, but many liked me. Many mentioned that they missed me, I knew it through gossip and screenshots. Imagine the size of my ego at that moment… After a while, I realized what other apps lacked completely and why they didn’t deserve my storage and screen space. Sense of community + drama, gossip and controversy (people crave it) + many people from different countries in the same room. Cultures don’t merge this way in 1 on 1 conversations. Other platforms also have many people from different countries,but they try to find you a match, a perfect partner. Perfect is boring. In olla people didn’t match perfectly and it was beautiful. It was colorful. It was my home anywhere I went. 11.  I couldn’t stay like this forever I couldn’t stay like this forever. All of us eventually get boring, also known as serious. I was a university student after all. Gotta be pretentious and stuff. They call it professional. I started to read a lot of SLA (Second Language Acquisition) research, just like people read news or comics. As a result, I realized that my“just learning” intuitive approach to languages was actually consistent with research. Even gossip and drama. But mostly community and compelling input. It is kind of the same thing.

Not only I pretty much filled that emptiness by languages, I also came to the point where my experience met science\research. Like yin and yang.

12.  I started to plan to get back to China After that, I decided to get my life together again and I started to plan how to get back to China. I didn’t get any good idea how to do it, but I started to save money and told my classmates and buddies that most probably I will go to China again. Fake it till you make it works every time. I also told some folks on olla about my plan. I really do consider olla to be my hometown and I did find real life friends there. I think it’s safe to say that I spent more time on olla than with my real life friends. I also spent a lot of time with my offline friends, but they can be less available than something tiny in my cheap phonethat opens the door to my friends. Wait, olla is real, so it’s also real life. People there are real. Language learning there is real as well. Wrong dichotomy. So I spent more time in my olla hometown than in another one because it felt warmer and closer.

My best language buddy who already became my friend decided to help me make my second laowai life happen much faster than I imagined and invited me to join olla team. I pretended that I am so cool and need to think for 1 day or so, like it is not a big deal, when in reality it was dreams come true type of deal, at that moment I was already packing my small backpack and getting ready for the second chapter of China. This time it was Guangzhou.

To be continued.

 You can read my language buddy’s story here

(my story https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/ollaolla.home.blog/40)

 Bear

2019/10/1

[gaybluesargent]

Please provide me with every detail about these beautiful raven girls. i've got a notepad to fill with ink and nowhere to be in the morning...

this is very very late, so that morning has passed, but hopefully you still have some room in that notepad! just a note that all my raven girl headcanons are trans girl headcanons! & for the sake of my raven girls aus, aglionby is co-ed!(also, /tagged/all-your-favs-are-trans-girls!)

gansey:

generally Proficient at preforming femininity - looking and acting in ways everybody traditionally expects from a girl - but only really feels the need to be read as very Traditionally Feminine when she’s around her family

has very little physical dysphoria (she doesn’t rly want hormones or surgery) but her social dysphoria can get rly bad & lead to panic attacks if she doesn’t pass well enough in public

but with her friends, it’s not typically too bad!

i think she probably came out when she was like 14 or 15? she started transitioning when she was off traveling by herself!

so her family was kind of Shocked and gansey still. Has Trouble with that sometimes. but they’re not outright terrible about it. just. not rly Good either. 

she’s got shoulder-length hair in a clean-cut bob (that gets a little curly in humidity), but she puts it up into a ponytail or a hat as much as possible because she doesn’t like the way hair feels on her neck 

(it’s reminiscent of hornets)

post-trk she definitely chops her hair off and gets a rly cute pixie :’)

is Skilled at makeup and uses it to hide all the evidence of sleepless nights

paints her nails religiously because she finds the act of painting them very calming and likes the way it feels!

often paints them orange to match the camaro, even though helen tried to tell her that it looks a little juvenile to have bright orange nails

daily wardrobe (polo shirts, khaki pants, boat shoes) is virtually unchanged tbh… geek… i love her….

and for formal occasions, helen lets gansey borrow from her wardrobe if she wants!

(ps! more trans girl gansey content here!)

i looked all over for the post cuz i think i stole this idea from someone else so link me if u know it, but someday gansey marries blue and legally changes her name to Gansey Sargent :’)

ronan:

butch! trans! lesbian! ronan! niall! lynch!!

(she loves her full name because her parents gave it to her and she doesn’t plan on ever changing it)

came out when she was 15, and once niall was killed, she started physically and socially transitioning All At Once

still has her head shaved. im in love with her. 

has and will punch a bigot without hesitation

she has 100 earrings in each ear and wears lots of rings

paints her nails to pick it all off the next day

when gansey’s extra anxious, she paints ronan’s nails for her, and it’s Soft :’)

her wardrobe is 100% unchanged from canon - rich tired punk farmer - and she looks gr8

she generally can’t walk in heels at all but she’s got this one pair of heeled boots that make her absurdly tall and she Loves It!

makeup skills are limited to making her look as Pissed Off as possible (meaning middle-school emo raccoon eyeliner and black lipstick probably)

typically not super dysphoric unless verbally misgendered

& isn’t rly comfortable with how deep her voice is but also isn’t willing to try to talk higher because she thinks she sounds silly, so she stays quiet a lot around new people

dreams up some fuckin miracle hormones for everyone and it’s Wonderful!

adam:

came out & transitioned later than everybody else because she wouldn’t even Consider her gender while she was still living with her parents

tbh gender probably plays into the whole Feeling Unknowable even to herself thing

but all her friends are trans as heck so she’s got a rly solid support system to help her once she starts to figure it out!

is rly reluctant to publicly transition because she’s worried abt how it might affect her future - being a trans girl makes life so much harder than just staying a cis boy - but, over time, she starts to make peace with it and realizes that Being Herself is worth the risk!

she fiddles with gender rly subtly at first: not really changing the style of clothes she wears, but buying t-shirts from the girl’s section instead of the boy’s section… growing her bangs out but keeping the rest of her hair short… wearing lip gloss… 

and these little changes help her comfort immensely, and eventually lead to more obvious changes in presentation!

tbh she probably comes out as A Girl first and then realizes she’s actually maybe a demigirl/a nb girl/something like that because being feminine feels Way Better than being masculine, but being A Girl doesn’t feel totally right either

and ronan helps with this, both as a role model for Not Giving A Fuck and also as a butch girl who shows adam that gender and gender expression don’t have to always align perfectly!

every now and then, adam puts on a skirt, and everyone in a 5 mile radius falls in love because she looks Damn Good!

especially with knee socks? like! shit!!!

noah:

noah is a ghost! you think ghosts care about gender? nope! noah’s agender or genderfluid in every universe and thems the facts 🙏🏻

but when noah was alive… he had some Gender Stuff

like, nothing as concrete as actively identifying as something other than a boy, but i think he definitely dabbled in gender presentation as a “haha jokes isn’t it funny” but secretly and quietly because it Felt Right

like… he definitely stole adele’s skirts a few times and his friends were like “czerny r u gay!” and he’s like “haha” but it was definitely actually subtle Gender Feelings that he didn’t have the vocabulary to express

anyway! once he’s dead he has no body and his presentation as Ghost Illusion can change with his comfort

so some days, he manifests looking more femme, and his friends know when to switch up pronouns and make him feel better!

similarly, he can read everybody’s mind, so he always knows what to say and how to comfort his friends when they’re feeling down about anything, including gender stuff!

henry: 

stylizes her name to ‘henri’ to be a little more femme!

Fashion Icon! 

she’s inexplicably stylish. like. the outfits she puts together are Ridiculous and no one in their right mind would wear them and they look Amazing?

sometimes more femme, sometimes comfy being a little more butch, sometimes splicing styles completely! There Are No Rules!

also her Hair. legendary. she grows it out and does all kinds of things to it. she’s known for her elaborate braids. :’)

makeup took the longest to master but now she’s great at it and helps the rest of the girls do their makeup too cuz she’s easily the best at it!

absolutely unapologetic? henri “kiss my trans ass” cheng. henri “down with cis” cheng. 

once henri is fully integrated into the group and gets access to the Dream Hormones, she’s like “!!! idk why my mom is wasting time trading magical artifacts when we could just sell this shit! we’d be set for life and it’d be a great cause!!”

blue:

let’s make her a trans girl too cuz why not!

when maura was pregnant and they found out blue was a boy, calla and persephone were like ‘…sounds fake but okay’

so when blue gravitated toward femme stuff and insisted she was a girl from a young age, they were all like ‘ah that makes more sense!’

there wasn’t a lot of money around 300 fox way for hormones and stuff, but there’s lots of love to go around and they always make sure blue is supported and as comfortable as possible!

blue gets into sewing and making her own clothes during middle school, once puberty starts to wreak havoc on her ability to seamlessly shop in the girl’s department! 

this is a skill that she shares with the rest of the girls once she meets them – she helps them tailor and tweak all their clothes to fit more comfortably!!

she and henry become Fashion Buddies and they make outfits for each other all the time!

300 fox way is kind of a sanctuary for all the girls – surrounded by women who easily and immediately accept them as women too, surrounded by the magic they’re all so in love with… maura, calla, and persephone are their adoptive moms! they have sleepovers at blue’s all the time, individually when they’re having bad days and group sleepovers for fun!! 

[karmatechfiction]

Witch Talent Precure!

So, years ago before Maho Tsukai Precure, I had an idea for a witch magical girl series. At first, it was going to be a original series that didn’t tie with precure, but...yeah a lot of my ideas for it, well, let’s just say there’s a lot of similarities between my series and precure and other magical girls, including Shugo Chara. Put it short, it just doesn’t stand out much as it’s own thing, but I still like these ideas and thought, well since it’s like a Precure series already, let’s just make it a Precure fan series. Than it’d be okay to use the different ideas from different magical girls.

 I really like the ideas Maho Tsukai had but of course, the development of the plot was a bit messy and the characters in Maho Tsukai, I like them, don’t get me wrong, (well except the idiot trio) but they all are under developed. So I thought, I need some baddies and few side characters too. So this will be, what if Maho Tsukai was written better. I had plan this series for years in my head, so the plot itself will be mostly it’s own thing. The only thing I really took was some concepts such as designs. Again, I will use maybe some characters from Maho Tsukai including a certain green horn guy, so at least they will be written better.

My main precure team are from my head though. So don’t worry, I’m not just using the Maho Tsukai Cures. This is gonna be completely different. In fact, one is based more on me and the other are based on two good friends of mine. 

I may write full “episodes” once in a while but it’s mainly gonna be done using pictures and explanation to give an idea of it. This is due to me having so many projects already. This is just something I wanna come back to sometimes just for the fun of it, since again. I’ve had this idea for years and I just can’t ever seem to abandon it so, I’ll just use it as a part time, fun project.

So without further a due, this is my precure team and their story. The theme is witches, magic, talents, music and a little romance/love.

 Celina, Nerissa and Lin are in a band together known as Magic Melody Lively. They are the top of their class at Balboa Academy for Arts and Athletics being not only are they good singers, but each has their own unique talent. Celina loves to dance and is good in sports, she’s in charge of choreography in their band. Nerissa is a great painter and musician, she’s also good at writing and is usually in charge of song writing and scheduling. She’s also the lead singer. Lin is great at tailoring sweets and clothes. She’s in charge in making costumes and outfits for concerts. She’ll also make some snacks for the team.

Celina and Nerissa are sisters but Celina was adopted. Years ago, as a child, a fire broke out and killed her family. Being Nerissa’s family and Celina’s family were good friends, Nerissa family adopted Celina in. Since then though, Celina is terrified of fire but soon, she needs to face her fear for when a monster attacks her favorite dance studio that she went to when she was younger. Not wanting so many people lose their talent, she must stand up and shout “Precure, Awaken My Talent!” and rises as Cure Dancer! Together with Cure Painter and Cure Tailor, they form Witch Talent Precure! 

So, the question is, Witch Talent are you?

Name: Celina Hinami

Name Origin: Celina is French for “Sky or Heaven” Hinami; Japanese “Hi” meaning “fire” “nami” comes from “Minami” which means “Beautiful Wave” so “Fire Wave” or “Fire South”.

Age: 15 (Yes these are high school age. Something different.)

Favorite Treat: Cinnamon Roles

Personality: Celina is sweet, shy and soft spoken at times, but when she gets on the dance floor or on the concert, there is no one passionate as her! She lets herself known to the world. She’s also pretty good at sports but she mainly prefers gymnastics and dancing. She likes to teach others how to dance. Makes her feel just as special as doing it.

(Yes her design is slightly based on Mirai. I really liked Mirai’s hair style. It’s cute and perfect for a character that loves to dance! Her outfit is based on 80s/90s style clothing.)

Name: Cure Dancer

Catchphrase: “Passionate and Courageous as a Dancing Flame! Witch Talent? Cure Dancer!”

Transformation Device: A gold bell (seen on the side of her.)

Weapon: Fire Ribbons

Finishing Attack: Precure Ribbon Salsa! (Wraps ribbons around enemy until they explode into flames.)

Healing Technique: (This is used to restore damages from fights) Elegant Flame!

(Note: As Cure Dancer, she’s kinda iffy on using fire attacks due to her past. She basically needs to get use to using fire base spells.)

Name: Nerissa Hinami

Name Origin: “Nerissa” Spanish/Greek for “Water Nymph” and the Goddess of the Sea , Hinami see above. 

Age: 16 (She’s the oldest.)

Favorite Treat: Triple Fudge Brownies

Personality: Nerissa is a bit boyish. Despite having long hair, she dresses like a man most of the time and almost never is seen in dresses or skirts. She’s not someone to mess with. Despite she hates sports, she does work out and acts “ the man of the house” because their parents are divorced. When she’s not singing, working on a song, writing or drawing, you’ll often find her on the waves surfing. “Siren of the Sea”, she’s sometimes called due to this. The ocean is her inspiration. Don’t let this tough chick fool you. She does suffer anxiety issues that cause her to fall ill sometimes and actually does have a weak body, she covers up with her boyish side. Singing and being on stage, one would think would make this worse, but actually it keeps her mind clear and she’s too busy putting effort into a good performance to let it get to her. This shows her true beauty and strength.

(Note, this is the character based more on me.)

Name: Cure Painter

Catchphrase: “Beautiful and Strong as the Shimmering Sea! Witch Talent? Cure Painter!”

Transformation Device: Conk Shell Ocarina

Weapon: Shimmering Radiant Brush 

Finishing Attack: Precure Watercolor Whirlpool! (Sends massive and colorful whirlpools that surround enemy, causing them to explode.)

Healing Technique: Aqua Aurora Antidote! 

(Yes this is the character that’s a little based on Chara Spade from Shugo Chara.)

Name: Lin Shuang

Name Origin: Chinese “Lin” means “Fine Jade” “Shuang” means “Jolly”.

Age: 15

Favorite Treat: Hard to pick but loves mooncakes most of all!

Personality: Lin is full of energy! She’s always working on a costume or a something sweet! Her family owns a restaurant thus learned to cook from them. She’s also got a good vocal range but didn’t pick up on singing until meeting Sirena and Celina. Despite being the most outgoing, she does have a few insecurities. She tends to break under pressure the most but thanks to her friends, she stands back up on her feet and ready to go!

Name: Cure Tailor!

Catchphrase: “Creative and Free like a Playful Breeze! Witch Talent? Cure Tailor!”

Transformation Device: Playful Mini Ruan! (It does become slightly bigger to play properly. Just becomes small for compact size. Sorry I wanted to keep in theme and drum is taken from my special cure which I will reveal later.)

Weapon: Honey Needle (A sewing needle about the size of a cooking spoon)

Finishing Attack: Precure Sweet Sewing! (Sends out a thread of honey from the loop end, that winds around the enemy until they explode)

Healing Technique: Silk Honey

(Was a challenge making her. I wanted to of course make her more Chinese base and not just be a typical maid look.)

Some questions/accusations you probably will have.

“But Tech, they don’t look anything like witches! Least MTP had witch hats!” 

Fear not! They do have witch forms and other forms to change into. In fact, they do transform into their Witch Forms first and then the outfit unravels into their element before their cure clothes pop on. It’s a neat idea in my head and like their hair becomes their element (fire, water, wind) as it makes its transaction to the cure colors. I just haven’t design the Witch Forms yet.

“You know, you could just add original characters instead of just adding the MTP characters as side characters? Don’t be lazy!” 

Again, I have other projects that I want to finish. This is just something I wanna do for fun once in a while. Also, no matter what. Fan anything is just that. Stuff dedicated to a franchise. Even if you do make completely original characters for it, in the end, it’s something you can’t completely call your own because it’s for a universe that already exists. It doesn’t mean you can’t be creative or put effort in. It just can’t be completely, 100% be original. 

I say this because most of the projects I’m doing are original stories and stuff I want to make successful one day. So I speak as someone that does create their own content. That’s why I’m not as harsh towards people who make things for fandom. Fandom is just for fun at the end. It’s just creative ideas made for something you enjoy and you’re free to be creative or lazy as you want. It’s the real original stuff you best know how to put 100% effort in. That’s when it really counts. 

Plus, hey, some of the the MTP characters deserve to be better written. Just think of this as an alternate reality kinda thing, where instead of Maho Tsukai, you have more mature team saving the day.

“Your characters are mary-sues/too talented!”

First off, Mary-Sue is a character that is perfect. No flaws or been through anything bad. (And if they have, it’s overly unrealistically depressing.) They’re also tend to be happy all the time and everyone loves them. All my characters have flaws, they’re not happy all the time and not everyone likes them. Celina is shy and soft spoken. She has a hard time speaking out what she wants. She also withdraws when she’s scared or nervous That’s why she must learn courage. 

Nerissa is independent and tends to push others away, including loved ones. She dresses like a boy to hide her insecurities, weaknesses and to get guys to back off on her, since she kinda hates men in some ways. She doesn’t think all men are bad, but she has a negative view on them, due to having so many negative experiences with them, including a break up and well hate issues with her father. 

And then you have Lin, she’s insecure as hell. She tends to act over excited when she’s nervous and tends to annoy people like that, but she’s also conscious about that. She's afraid of pushing others away and being left alone in the world. When she’s nervous or feeling insecure, she tends to really not think straight thus cause more problems around her.

So yeah, they maybe multi-talented but people are multi-talented in a lot of things. Look at the Go Princess Precure team. They’re talented in almost everything under the sun, yet they still have flaws to keep them grounded and real. It’s all about adding the right and realistic kinda flaws. 

“What’s their Mascot?”

A black fox name Stella, that does talk and she likes to use her own magic to take care of flowers. (Hmm...Could she be a cure?)

They also get their own familiars once they grow in magic.

What are the things they need to collect?

Magic stones. I dunno what to call them. I guess Mythic Change Stones, since they’re like the Linkle Stones. They change the cures into different forms, but I’m having a twist to them and having each transformation using the Mythic Change Stones be based on a mythical creature such as a mermaid, kirin and tengu. These stones fit into the heart gems of their transformation items.

[warwagedhq]

mary macdonald · former gryffindor · taken

AGE: 19 years old BLOOD STATUS: muggleborn OCCUPATION: Bartender at the Leaky Cauldron FACECLAIM: Herizen Guardiola

traits

POSITIVE: intense, investigative, devoted NEGATIVE: moody, critical, unsure

biography

Mary has heard this story a hundred times over. She could tell it by heart from start to finish in her sleep. It was a cold evening in November. The year was 1955. Amrita Fernández-López was spending her first night out in Dublin. All she’d done since arriving in the new and unfamiliar country after fleeing Cuba was work and sleep, but she and her sisters had finally settled into what would be their new life and it was Rita’s idea that they have a little bit of fun. She was itching to get out of their stuffy flat, and she somehow convinced just her oldest sister of to agree to it. She didn’t know it yet, but her life was about to change forever. 

She was the last to get off work. She’d had to stay late and help close the place up, but she’d planned on meeting up after finishing her shift. On the walk from her flat to the pub she was meant to meet her older sister at, she noticed a book shop. Small, dingy, and presumably cheap. Rita was still learning English, so she picked up books whenever she could. She shoved open the door and that’s where he saw her for the first time. 

Connor MacDonald had had a book in one hand and a cup of black coffee in the other. It’d been a slow night at the shop so he’d been finding other things to preoccupy himself, but you can only organize the non-fiction shelf so many times. He looked up at the ding announcing the arrival of a guest. Mary can never forget the way her dad describes this moment. “It was like all my life, I thought I’d known how to breathe. Seeing her was like figuring out I’d been doing it wrong. She taught me how.”

The rest is history, really. Her mum and dad still keep the book he was reading on display at the house. Four short years later, Mary herself came practically jumping out of her mum’s womb. Mary started much the way she is now. She wasn’t a fussy child, but what she lacked in sincere fuss she made up for with constant brooding around the house. Her dad thought it was adorable. Her mum, not so much.

Mary’s childhood was happy. She was loved and cared for immensely, and despite not having much her parents always did whatever they could to provide for her. Her time consisted mainly of going to church, sewing with her tías, and acing her classes. She always felt like she had something to prove. Maybe it’s because she felt like she owed it to her mum for getting their family out of Cuba, or maybe it was just she was browner than all of the other students and she had something to prove not only to the world, but to herself.

At age 11, Mary was just as surprised as her mother and father to learn of her secret capabilities. There’d always been sort of strange things that Mary couldn’t explain, like the time that she’d been given a PB&J with the crusts (something she still won’t touch to this day) and minutes later, the crusts had magically disappeared. She never thought in her wildest dreams, though, that that had actually been magical.

Her first response was joy. Finally, something to explain why she’d always felt a little... well, different. This was the otherness that she couldn’t explain about herself, the thing that set her apart from the other kids on the block. On the other hand, she immediately worried about being disowned by her parents. Her dad is Irish and her mum is Cuban. How they ended up together with that sort of a history is beyond the likes of Mary to try to explain, but one thing is for sure: the MacDonalds are very Catholic because of it. All of Mary’s worries melted quite quickly when her mother and father beamed at her with pride. Their daughter, a real life witch. They made something, someone more magical and with more opportunities than they’d ever been able to have themselves.

Hogwarts was overwhelming for Mary at first. It was like being immersed in this whole made up fantasy land, except it was all real. She was actually learning about the Goblin Rebellions and how to turn a cat into a cup. It was all quite surreal. Despite being pretty bookish back home, Mary did struggle at first to keep up. It was kind of a blow to her. She felt like all the other kids had a leg up on her, being from magical families. That’s why she so valued having a friend like Lily Evans, a fellow muggleborn being tossed into a make believe universe.

Eventually, Mary did learn to keep up. She studied double what the other students did (or at least those alongside her in Gryffindor Tower). She worked her arse off and it paid off for her. Things were going well for Mary. At this rate, she may have even graduated top of her class. Something threw her off her game, though. That something was Anson Mulciber.

He started off very kind. He walked her to class a few times. Brought her desserts at dinner in the Great Hall. Lily tried to warn her about him, she really did, but Mary said that she could take care of herself which wasn’t a lie, really. She never thought she needed to be able to take care of herself like that. Mulciber assaulted her. He humiliated her. The scars on her body are there forever. She wonders sometimes if he knew what he was doing... if he knew that every time she sat down, she would see some of what he did to her. Animal. Dirty. Impure. All sorts of other words were carved into her skin when he knocked her out. God knows what else happened, but Mary’s sure she can guess.

Mary has never been exactly the same since then. She’s still who she’s always been. Caring, kind, and sometimes too giving to her friends. Trusting. Overbearing, at times. Moody. But now she gets to add some things to the list of things she is. Paranoid, for one. Numb. Stronger, maybe.

That experience is really what pushed her over the edge, and it’s the reason she chose to take part in the Order when invited. She doesn’t want anything like this to happen to anyone like her ever again. No one deserves what she’s gone through, and she’s going to see to it that no one will be hurt like that again on her watch, especially not by Mulciber.

connections

LILY EVANS: When Mary makes a friend, she makes a friend. Lily was in it for the long haul before she even knew it, and it’s worked out pretty well so far! Lily and Mary are nearly inseparable and honestly Mary could not ask for a better partner in life and in crime. Lily just gets her in a way that other people haven’t and probably can’t. They’re forged from the same fire. CARADOC DEARBORN: Caradoc is someone who really needed Mary, so she did what she tends to do. She was there for them. There was a whole breakup sort of thing that they’d been going through and naturally Mary, being in the same vicinity as someone in pain, took Doc back to her home and made them a warm cup of tea. They spent many a times cuddling next to Mary at night, crying themself to sleep. They got through it all though, and Mary gained a friend out of the whole thing. BENJY FENWICK: Benjy and Mary have been friends for quite some time, although it didn’t begin that way. She wonders if he’ll ever let her live down the incident in which she burned his eyebrows clean off. Either way, she’s glad to have a friend in him now, and is grateful to go on missions now and again with someone who is much more level-headed than her. ANSON MULCIBER: Whenever people used to bring him up around Mary, she’d shudder. Even remembering his existence was painful back then. He started off so gentle. She’d thought he was different than what everyone said, thought that she could see kindness at his core. She was wrong. There is nothing kind about him, not an ounce of goodness in his wicked smile. She used to call him her monster instead of saying his name. Things are different now, though. Mary would not call herself vindictive, but Anson Mulciber will pay for what he’s done.

[debtfreeinthree]

How I Afford Therapy and Anxiety Medication

Sometimes people ask me, what’s the best thing to spend money on? I always say experiences. Travel. Classes. Time with friends. The memories you gain from experiences will outlast the happiness you feel when you buy a new purse or pair of shoes.

The Best Thing I Spend Money On? Therapy

Overall, one of the best things I spend money on is therapy. I’ve been seeing a therapist since I was a sophomore in college and suddenly snapped at my ex-boyfriend. Worried that I had anger management issues, I decided I should see someone.

Since then, I’ve seen four therapists on-and-off over the last six years and I’ve never regretted going to one. Finding a good therapist is like finding a good friend. It can take a while to warm up and share your issues.

Honestly, I hate finding a new therapist because you have to repeat all your childhood stories, all your issues, all your insecurities all over again.

It’s like dating and having to describe why each relationship ended (and why that makes you feel like such a loser). I hate sharing the story about my friend’s brother on whom I had a huge crush and what it felt like when I told him how I felt and he asked if my friend Ashley was single.

I hate sharing how different I felt growing up as an immigrant whose last name is impossible to pronounce correctly. I’ve since learned that many of my American friends have difficult-to-pronounce last names, including my fiancé.

After you get past the introductory questions, therapy, like dating, becomes fun. Each therapist is different, but this last one has been my favorite. She’s given me tools and strategies to use when I’m feeling anxious, when I feel like I’m the worst person alive and when I want to compare myself to every person’s Instagram feed. (She also helped me find a comprehensive book about anxiety that I can use until I find a replacement for her.)

She’s taught me about automatic disruptive thoughts and given me free worksheets that I can use when I’m upset (there’s nothing like pulling out one of these in the grocery store when you’re feeling anxious). I keep a handful in my desk at work and in my purse.  Since I’ve started seeing her, I don’t see other people’s successes as my failures, and I don’t see my failures as character traits.

The only downside of therapy, except for coming back to work after crying your eyes out and deciding between telling people it’s allergies or that you were at your therapist’s office, is the cost.

Therapy can be expensive. When I was in school, each hour-long session cost $25, and my parents paid for my bi-weekly appointments. When I graduated, I was so terrified of spending money on anything except for the basics that I decided not to find a new therapist, even though my anxiety and depression was affecting me on a daily basis.

How I Can Afford Therapy

It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I finally started going to therapy again. The more I talk about it to people, the more I realize many of my friends also go to a therapist and that the ones who don’t aren’t judging me for it.

Therapy is more necessary for me than flossing my teeth, which is a bad example because I never floss my teeth. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and going to therapy gives me the coping skills to deal with my problems better.

For a while, I resisted going back to therapy because I knew it’d be expensive and that unlike college, I’d be the one paying for it. When you’re used to getting something for free, you don’t value it as much. But I realized that paying for therapy is necessary, at least for me. I value it as much as my $100 gym membership or my $150 sewing class. We all have things we do to relieve stress, and this is mine.

Thankfully, my insurance covers most of my bills, and I’ve only ever had to pay $12-$30 for a half-hour session. So for about the price of a round of beers, I get to share all the things I’m scared of to a total stranger. I also choose to go to a low-cost clinic which charges far less than a private psychologist, and I know that universities often have psych clinics that only charge between $5-$30 a session. If you aren’t sure where to go, Google “low cost clinic therapy” and you’ll find a few results. You can also call your primary care doctor as they might have some suggestions.

Now my therapist is leaving, and I have to find a new one. But I’m also trying something new: anxiety medication. For a long time, I was scared of taking meds. I thought that all I needed was a good psychologist who could listen to my problems and then assure me that I was totally normal. A few weeks ago, the idea of taking meds felt like I was saying, “Nope, talking about stuff isn’t enough. I need even more help than the average person.”

After talking about it at our last session, I realized that it’s ok if I need medication. My therapist assured me that I’ve done a lot of work over the last year and that sometimes my brain needs a little help. Some medication can reset the anxiety that floats around in your brain. Some you only need for certain situations. Others you can stop taking once you don’t need it anymore.

I’ve only been on my new meds for a few days, but I can already tell a huge difference. I don’t get the tight feeling in my chest when I get anxious. Little things don’t freak me out. My fiance says I seem much happier and a more vibrant version of myself. The best part? My new medication only cost $38 at Costco (my insurance doesn’t cover it).

Where I Get My Anxiety Medication

I get my meds from Costco because they’re so much cheaper than any other pharmacy. Seriously. I think they were going to cost about $100 at Walgreens or CVS and about the same as Target. My mom, the brilliant woman that she is, suggested I use Costco because they’re famous for undercharging on prescriptions.

In some states, you can use the Costco pharmacy without being a Costco member, but in other states you do have to join the warehouse club. Membership is $60 a year, so it’s worth it if you save more than $60 on prescriptions. I even get my dog’s heartworm medication from Costco because it’s the cheapest there too.

Another tip is to use a GoodRX coupon when you pay for your prescription. According to their site, they can save you at least a few dollars off your prescription, and you can use a GoodRX coupon at most pharmacies including Target, Costco, Walgreens and CVS.

A few people have also recommended I try an online Canadian pharmacy for my anxiety meds. I know some of these are supposed to be legit, as they require that you fax over your doctor’s prescription. I haven’t tried any myself, so I won’t link to them here. But if you’re having trouble getting an affordable prescription, see if they might be more affordable online.

How I Pay For Therapy and Anxiety Medication

I use my HSA card for any healthcare-related expense, since it saves me money off my taxes. An HSA or Health Savings Account is like a savings account you can only use for medical costs. The benefit of it – and why I use it – is that the amount you contribute to your HSA can be deducted on your taxes. I try to contribute about $100 a month which covers my therapy and anxiety medication, but you can contribute as little as you want.

Plus, the funds from your HSA roll over from year to year,  and you can contribute thousands of dollars each year. I try to estimate how much I’ll spend on healthcare costs throughout the year and divide that by 12 to figure out my monthly contribution. But if I find that my HSA is getting too big, I’ll cut back on saving for a couple months. (Side note: you can use an HSA for any health-related bills such as doctor’s visits, other prescriptions and more).

Sometimes I feel guilty for spending so much money on my mental health, when most people don’t have to. The rational response to that worry is, “Screw other people.” A lot of people are scared of therapy and medication. A lot of them don’t want to own their shit, even if that means being unhappy. I shouldn’t care what a lot of people won’t do.

I’ve also learned that it’s ok to change my budget for something as important as therapy or anxiety medication. In fact, now I can’t believe that there was a time that I avoided therapy for financial reasons. I think back on those years and wonder how much happier I’d be now if I started medication earlier or had kept going with my sessions. I’m just glad I realized now that it’s one of the best things to spend money on.

Do you pay for therapy, anxiety medication, etc.? What are some ways you use money for your mental health?

  How I Afford Therapy and Anxiety Medication was originally published on Debt Free After Three