#I know I can’t get fucking medicated bc I’d probably have severe reactions to it

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

me: man I do not have adhd im guilt tripping myself into thinking it

also me: *stares at work that should have Been done actually 5 weeks ago* yeah this is just a little hard, and why can’t I do anything I know what I need to do and how to do it why am I not doing it. Fuck this I’m going to take a break and watch a video

approximately 3 hours later: oh shit

[phoenixyfriend]

The “Momma Sturmvoraus was Literally Satan” AU

As requested by @spazzbot​. This AU was initially brainstormed on the GG fanworks server almost a year ago. Specifically, on the first day of 2020.

[ID: a truncated discord message by “Miss Nixy, Gay for RoboLadies” posted 01/01/2020. The message reads “I need to sleep but please for the moment consider:” and ends there.]

So. Let’s get to it.

Satan took a human form because why not see what's going on topside, live like a human, and “Oh shit is this pregnancy? This is pregnancy. Fuck, that's a tiny human. Which is now half demon. Am I supposed to take care it? Wonder if retconing this form into that Valois family was a bad idea. They do have SO much money though, I get to live like a queen. I suppose another child shouldn't hurt, it wasn't that bad. Oh, he's cute, this is actually making sense, why humans do all the sinning. Not counting dear Aaronev's murders, of course, those are just evil, but I did search out the worst of the humans to pair myself to...”

This is literally just "Tarvek and Anevka's mom was low-key Satan on a bored “let's be human for a decade or two to see what happens” jaunt, consequences happen because these kids are LITERALLY half-demon and arguably anti-Christs."

Also it's just Very Funny for Tarvek, ineffectual sexy lamp fashion twunk extraordinaire, to be an antichrist

Jeff thinks he’s pretty. Jeff keeps describing features that don’t entirely make sense. (Jeff’s canon name is Karl Thotep but they spent so long unnamed that the server collectively named them Jeff.)

This is not a crossover with anything, btw. Ambiguously Pop Culture Satan just got bored and went to have babies with a serial killer.

They’re just kids! That are vaguely demonic. So. Moreso than the rest of the Valois.

Sometimes "mom" comes back from the dead and visits Anevka and Tarvek to impart Wisdom and possibly magic lessons The rooms always smell faintly of sulfur after that...

They try to put Anevka in the machine but SHE isn't hurt and the MACHINE just melts

So that's the end of that.

It's very awkward for everyone, but the paperwork isn't too bad. It's very easy to write "incidental fire began during late-fugue experimentation, resulted in fire spreading through six rooms and several casualties, including Prince Aaronev Wilhelm Sturmvoraus."

As per @atagotiak​, “I feel like if we’re going in any way dimensional weirdness with thing, Tarvek got so good at exploring bc he could just clip through walls.”

With image provided by @thisarenotarealblog​:

Tarvek in Paris: My dead mother keeps showing up in my dreams to tell me I need to seduce my way out of my problems and also she looks like Satan. Tarvek's Voltaire-Appointed Therapist: I still don't know what that means. Just like the last five times. Tarvek: I keep telling her that I can’t seduce Colette, if seduction is that important she should get Anevka to do it.

Like he probably wouldn’t say most of that in front of any Voltaire-approved individual, but still.

Tarvek is still very good at self control but there's a Special Edge to his rants.

(Derailed in the moment to me thinking about Anevka in a sfw-but-concerningly-deadly succubus getup, because... yeah.)

Aaronev dies and goes to hell and his dead wife is just there like "hi! Time to be tortured for eternity!" He wasn't a good husband so. He can't exactly sentimentalize his way out.

“In the sexy way?” “... not for you, no.”

Mostly I just want the BULLSHIT that is "Storm Mom was actually just Satan getting bored and going on vacation as a retconned Valois girl, the kids are half-demons and sometimes it Shows."

To clarify: the Satan bit isn't the retcon. Grandma used to have one daughter. Now there are two. (Seffie and Martellus's mother doesn't remember being an only child, but sometimes...)

Satan retconned a new daughter in, which included a Valid Valois Venusian Vestment, so the blood tests play out.

The subtle signs of wrongness would be fun too. Anevka tends to smile a bit too wide and sharp for a human face. Inexplicable uneasiness, here you can’t point at any specific thing that’s wrong but it’s uncomfortable. Uncanny valley prettiness, almost like the porcelain she became in other timelines. Skin isn’t supposed to be that smooth.

My brain's pre-nap contribution at that point was "Satan's pronouns when not pretending to Human are sin/sinself" which is! Certainly a thing.

Tarvek, at some nebulous future point: I mean, your ancestors were monsters, but my dad was a serial killer and my mom was literally Satan, instead of just figuratively like Lucrezia, so. I mean. I kind of get what you're going through.

Per @firebirdeternal: Tarvek and Anevka growing up with "you're allergic to holy water" and not questioning it until a little later because What.

And then they test it and it's like "yeah, no, there's a rash now. That stung. What the fuck."

It INFURIATES Gil in Paris when Tarvek tells him that's a thing, because there's nothing chemically different about Holy water and regular water. But no, this is somehow happening.

It gets logged in medical journals as a Valois genetic thing because, well, Mom was like that too, right?

One time they both go into a church for an Adventure and Gil is very annoyed to find that Tarvek is like. Faintly smoking. It smells like burnt hair in here.

Gil: What smells like burnt hairgel? Tarvek: [glares]

Gil decides that it must be something particular to the church, like a fungus or something in the stone, contaminating the air and water so it only LOOKS like the holiness is what's setting off reactions.

It is not.

Tarvek once got into an argument with someone and ate a slab of raw, completely uncooked meat as a power move.

SVV seems to work perfectly. Everyone is fine. We get the ‘you fight like ducks’ moment.

And then Tarvek bursts into flames, and everyone panics because no they fixed this what the fuck is he still infected with Hogfarb’s oh my god... and then everything settles down and he's perfectly fine. Not a scratch on him, no longer turning funny colors. Completely unharmed. He's in a nicely tailored suit and looks faintly stunned

"I just met my dead mom, who's apparently Satan. She told me that after I died the first time just now, I should be harder to kill later, especially with fire, because now there's more demon and less mortal and guys I think I'm going crazy." "Is that a martini?" Tarvek looks down. "Apparently."

Tarvek starts just. Randomly setting things on fire by glaring too hard and has to tone it down. Meanwhile, Agatha and Gil are having crises about how he's somehow getting PRETTIER.

Is he faintly glowing? Maybe!

Gil handles it by angrily sniping at Tarvek about how of COURSE he's an evil little rat with a background like that.

Tarvek just wants a nap and to forget this ever happened. Many people are sworn to secrecy. It's very awkward.

Still, SVV did something, for handwave-y reasons, and so they're linked now. Gil and Agatha both getting tiny flashes of the same shenanigans.

They get none of the powers. They just keep getting Weird Shit.

Other characters with divine influence are like "Did you.... did you make a pact with a demon?" "What no that's our boyfriend."

Tho tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if a Heterodyne did sign a contract with a demon at some point in exchange for like. Materials. A hundred souls sacrificed in exchange for some succubus blood. Thanks!

Tarvek and Othar: Falling out of CW as in canon. Tarvek: WHAT THE HELL SINCE WHEN DO I HAVE WINGS HIDE THIS BEFORE I GET BOOTED FROM THE LINE FOR THE THRONE

IDK where Anevka is during all this. I think she might have decided to go sleep her way through the courts of the Ice Tsars. Vacation, y'know?

Othar after he's decided to make Tarvek his new Heroic Apprentice: AH, my poor afflicted young friend, it's noble of you to go against the dark nature of your tragic heritage like this. Tarvek: I hate you. I wish I could hate you to death. But you have a point. I shouldn't let my father's blood limit what I strive for in life. Othar: I... I thought your mother was... Tarvek: I know what I said.

Tarvek: Also you can't tell ANYONE about that, I can't have them thinking I'm not actually in line for the Storm King's throne.

He does admittedly have to like. Explain things to Grandma.

Terabithia is Tarvek’s maternal grandmother so this is supremely awkward. That said...

Grandma fondly remembers her pregnancy cravings; bone marrow and sulfur.

"Yeah so, my mother, your daughter, was... maybe actually Satan? But retconned into your life?" "Tarvek, darling, please. I figured that out half a century ago."

TARVEK ACCIDENTALLY FINDS HIM HIMSELF WEIRDLY INTENSE AT CONTRACTS

I mean that honestly just Tracks about Tarvek anyways? But like moreso.

He just. Writes something up and there's things getting signed or shook on and then the person tries to break the contract and either suddenly catch fire or are deeply unlucky for a set amount of time.

And Tarvek's just standing there like "how in the FUCK did I do that?"

Severity of infernal punishment depends on the severity of the breach of contract.

Tarvek finds out that Anevka's been convincing rich people to sign their souls over to her. It's a fun challenge. She keeps them in jars.

They can still remotely pilot their bodies but like. They can't TELL anyone what happened.

Satan: I'm going to go make babies and now everyone else has to deal with the consequences.

Anevka's living up to that whole "princess of hell" vibe. Tarvek's just like "nope nope nope I want the storm throne, not the hell throne, BYE MOM."

Satan's just feeling sinself down in hell like "awwww look at my babies go, aren't they adorable?"

Tarvek: Anevka, what... first off, how did you figure it out? Anevka: Well, I temporarily died when father put me in the machine, and... I can't say that hell kicked me out because they were afraid I'd take over, but mother DID say she'd rather I play about with human governments instead of Hell's. Tarvek: Okay, cool cool cool. What after you planning to DO with all these souls? Anevka: They make for some lovely reading lamps, don't they?

(Anevka absolutely sets herself the goal of acquiring new titles that rival her old ones, or even surpass them. She just black widows her way through Europa.)

I just want someone (probably Snackleford) to ascend, take one look at Tarvek, and run SCREAMING.

Tarvek still needed to be anchored to Higgs, because Tarvek is Baby.

Gil is eventually in a relationship with an Eternal God Queen and the Literal Son of Satan.

Family dinners can include ALL the in-laws if you duck down to hell! - You borrow Bill from... probably heaven, maybe purgatory. - You have Lu and Aaronev and Satan already there, though the first two... well. Aaronev and Lu get invited to dinner but they have to eat by themselves at the kiddy table and nobody talks to them or acknowledges their presence. After all, this is hell, and what better punishment for Lu than to be completely ignored, and for Aaronev to see Lu at her worst and be reminded that he gave everything for this horrible, horrible person who isn't even pretending to care about him anymore. - Zanta and Klaus get invited via portal. - Anevka saunters in with a blood-soaked dress and a complaint about militant demon-hunters refusing to let her go shopping for a new pair of shoes. - Zeetha tagged along with the OT3. (She can't wait to see this situation explode.)

Oh God, Satan is actually second place as far as good parenting goes.

Well, actually, fourth. Because Adam and Lilith. But second as far as bio parents go. 1. Zanta 2. Satan 3. Klaus 4/5. Lu and Aaronev N/A. Bill

Someone (Anevka) decides to stir the pot and invites Von Pinn, Terabithia, Bang.

Bang is basically Gil’s older sister, right? Right.

This is Zanta meeting Bang for the first time! Zanta is just: "It's so nice to meet my husband's adopted daughter." Klaus freezes. Bang freezes. Gil is the only one who is just. "Yeah." Meanwhile Zeetha is crying with laughter off to the side because both of them deserve this. (Zanta would legit love Bang though.)

Agatha: Tarvek, I think DuPree is-- Tarvek: Hitting on my sister? I know. Agatha: On your mom, actually. Tarvek: NO!

Also I do love the idea of like. Nobody tells Bang they're inviting her. She just wakes up in Hell like. "Ah. Yes. Fair enough."

Satan: Oh no no no my dear, you're here as a guest. Besides as well as you'd fit you're not one of mine, you've got other things waiting for you. Bang: Okay, but I love the decor. And is that Cheesecake?

Bang’s family has their own evil god in the novels, but! Bang DID pick on Tarvek a lot in Paris. Satan cares more than Anevka does. Bang might get the sexy punishment.

I feel like the fact that no permanent damage was done and it taught Tarvek a lot of things means Satan isn't gonna be all that upset about it.

And let's be real, if there's a character in GG who could look the literal Christian devil in the eye and be like "Yeah I tortured your kid, what're you going to do about it?" it's Bang.

Even Satan doesn't know what to do or think about Othar.

He sure is here! As Anevka’s arm candy! Nobody knows what to do except Anevka herself, who just wants to be Smug.

(What's that scene from Phineas and Ferb that's the mad scientist trapping the platypus within the rules of polite dining at a fine restaurant? Like he can't make a scene because that would be rude?) (That. Othar would dearly love to start a fight, but it's a Family Dinner. You're only allowed to fight verbally at those.)

(Othar isn't even fighting Satan, he just wants to argue with Klaus.) (And maybe fanboy in Bill's direction a bit).

[strangecore]

Medical Phobias

(TW: talk of medical stuff, anxiety, disability, ableism, mental health, fatphobia, brief mention of weight/size, and medical trauma) (also I’m tagging anything that could be a trigger in case y’all have it blocked so if my tags look weird it’s just so I don’t upset anyone <3)

I’m thinking about seeking out a diagnosis for something along the lines of iatraphobia (fear of doctors), nosecomephobia (fear of hospitals), trypanophobia (fear of medical needles), or tomophobia (fear of medical tests/procedures). I’ve been doing a lot of research and those sound like they’re the closest to what I experience, so I’m going to see if I can talk to a doctor about it (ironic, right? Looking for a diagnosis might straight up give me a heart attack). It’s severely affecting my life at this point so I can’t just leave it anymore.

I’m terrified of going to the doctor/hospital/etc. ANYTHING medical makes me have a full blown panic attack (last time I had to go to the doctors I passed out in fear at the thought of taking a fucking piss test and then again when they asked for a blood test - and then they couldn’t get enough blood because I got so tense that it just stopped coming out lmao). I straightup stopped going to the doctors whenever I was sick for like a whole year because my fear is so bad. I had to get COVID tested twice and both times I wanted to bolt straight out the door as soon as I sat down.

It never used to be like this - as a kid I was always in and out of hospital and it sucked but I was never properly scared, especially to this extent, and even just last year I went to doctors a lot and it was really anxiety inducing but it definitely wasn’t this terrible phobia-like reaction.

It possibly has ties to my disability and the mistreatment I’ve experienced from basically every doctor I’ve been to. I’ve had to deal with so much fatphobia - even when I was a size 10 who weighed fuck all I was told to just exercise (this was after I said I could barely move most days and could only leave the house if I was using my cane), or lose weight instead of, you know, seeking a diagnosis and maybe treatment for my debilitating chronic pain, and I experience it even worse now that I’m actually plus-sized. I’ve also had doctors tell me the pain is all in my head/I’m making it up for intention etc - I remember one doctor telling me to (and I quote) “just check (my)self into a psych ward"... you know, the standard procedure for joint pain. None of them ever seem to want to believe me when I explain that I’m constantly in pain (bc EDS really just Be Like That). It’s infuriating and it made me absolutely loathe doctors even before the actual fear became really really bad.

I also have medical trauma as a result of a TBI I sustained as a kid. I don’t remember a /lot/ of it, but what I do remember is terrifying. But why would that wait until now to turn into a full-blown phobia?

Idk. It’s getting really out of hand to the point where if I end up injuring myself/getting sick in the future I probably won’t go to the doctors unless someone basically forces me to.  

If anyone has been diagnosed with iatraphobia/nosecomephobia/trypanophobia/tomophobia (or even just someone who can relate to my fears that don’t specifically have a phobia), I’d love to hear your thoughts/experiences either in the comments or via messages. Obviously I can’t say for sure if that’s what’s going on with me but it’d really help to hear from y’all.

[therewithasmile]

just a quick update on my mental health bc i left you all hanging last (depression, miiild suicidal thoughts? tw): 

So November has been the hardest time of my life. My mom is pretty much a shell of a human right now (and it hurts me SO much to say this) and its been really scary. Since my mom’s seizure, she’s had another one and has really wild cravings and essentially has been texting me gibberish and it’s really fucking me up. I’ve been crying and crying all month, which I get is like probably a norm for some people esp who’ve gone through what I have, but I really don’t cry. I repress and go numb and become a mannequin, which is another really severe reaction to depression that haha! everyone’s worried about! but yeah I don’t cry. So me crying so far has been me, a pressure cooker, finally leaking at the seams. 

Anyhow November has been me finally seeking the mental help I’ve needed for the past like... 5 years. Unfortunately my appointments are through the school, which are only 1 hour each, and each time I only get through like 30 percent of whats lead me down this road before the hour’s up (i’m literally talking through all the shit that’s happened, from an emotionally abusive prof, my feelings on my upbringing and how nothing I do ever matters, my mom’s health, and then what I suspect is genetic mental illness) before my mental health professional goes “mhm well I recommend you go to this person”. So I’ve gone through this 5 times, each time re-earthing the feelings that i’ve repressed, and then I go home and sob so hard I can hardly breathe and I need someone to come over and calm me down or I will end up self harming, something I’ve never done. I’ve come very close now most recently when my sister finally convinced me to come home for a weekend, and I had to very painfully go on a bus on my own to be dropped off downtown cuz no other buses were dropping off closer, so she promised she’d pick me up, and she didn’t. And though I didn’t have a plan namely bc I had no tools and was in a very public downtown location, but i could’ve ended my life right there.

My family is finally supportive but I feel like such an incredible burden to them. My dad is taking the effort to text me every day and he’s been so incredibly understanding and I am having a hard time expressing how grateful I am because this is quite literally attention i’ve never received before. My sister too, who always believed me, is in med school, and so she’s SO incredibly busy and I don’t want to stress her out further. But I think part of the reason my family is so in tune to my mental scape recently is due to several factors: 1, my school has had like 4-5 death by suicides in the past 2 years, which has awakened my parents to the fact that mental health is a VERY real issue right now, but also bc my sister is an up and coming health professional. While she isn’t training for mental health, she was doing her pysch practicums and practiced on me, and for her to finally step into a “doctor patient” role with me, after her practice and she dropped “character” she was like I would really say you have major depressive symptoms and she also was like you need to focus on getting better. And I think that was the first time she really saw me as someone who REALLY needs help and not the little sister who’s struggling, same with my family -- its much more than that, it’s literally endangering my life right now. And that’s not to say the mental health professionals who have been kinda bouncing me around aren’t sympathetic; the last person I saw, a fam doc, was very adamant that I try to check in every so often like once a week, and he was really worried about me when I described the length I dissociate when I’m depressed and how i’ve been all November, mainly when i describe what happens. The way I put it is that like, I now resent the phrase “it’s hard to get out of bed” because that’s not true: i’m a mannequin. A mannequin who happens to have coherent thoughts, but I don’t need to eat, sleep, move, use the washroom, etc, because the rest of my body is just made of plastic. So it’s not I can’t get out of bed, bc that implies a choice of sorts, a previous ability to ‘get out’ or to ‘stay in’. Its instead where I simply am -- it would be the same thing: if I were on the street, that’s where I’d be, and that’s where I’d stay. Same as in the chair, standing or sitting, in a room, on the road in the middle of it, that’s just it. And that’s the scariest part to everyone.

So that’s where I’m at and I’ve decided to defer next semester which sucks, because I’m so so SO fucking close to my second degree, and at this point bc its literally a second degree i’m so over it and I just feel as if there’s no point to it. Thankfully it’s only a total of 1.0 credits so I should be able to make up for it in the summer. I’ve taken incompletes on ALL my courses and I’m doing the projects I haven’t finished and doing make ups pretty much all next “sem”, as I literally had no way of doing them now. I’ve never ever been this far gone and honestly it doesn’t even feel like I should/am bad enough???? to be doing this all but its like, on the other hand, not doing this now could mean I really hurt myself, in a very physical and like possibly permanent, way otherwise. It’s been scary because I feel so incredibly guilty, so incredibly alone, and so incredibly scared of myself. I don’t know how I’ll feel from day to day and the uncertainty is painful and so numbing and so incredibly hard. I’m not currently on medication only because I still don’t know what I should be doing to get better. I got a referral to see psych services at my uni, but they only really provide shorter term care (3-5 sessions normally) but it’d already take me like 2 to just... vent, and I can do that to a wall y’know? they said to get longterm care I should look outside of the uni, but then my doc emailed me two days ago saying he made arrangements for me at that service for me. SOO wahts left is for me to call tomorrow and see what my options are. 

and yeah. that’s whats been going on.