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seita · 4 years

Text

— you love too easy | hitoshi shinsou (m.)

pairing: hitoshi shinsou/f!reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut

wordcount: 𝟾𝟹𝟾𝟶

cw: childhood friends!au, roommate!au

tags: unrequited love, pining, toxic relationship (oc x shinsou), brief kaminari x reader, cunnilignus, dirty talk, pet names, praise kink, fingering, size kink, loss of virginity, light virgin kink, creampie, squirting, angst with a happy ending

note: sorry if u like kaminari. i made him a huge douchebag in this. i swear i like him i just needed a character to be,,,,well, a douchebag.

— all your life you'd been by his side. you've loved him since you could remember. you've always been by his side so why did he give his heart away to everyone but you; the one who would treat it right?

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He fell in love too easily. You knew that your entire life. He’d give his heart away to anyone and everyone, fully and with everything he had. He loved with every fiber of his being. And it always ended in disaster.

You couldn’t count how many nights you’d spent by his side rubbing his back as he cried because his girlfriend lied to him, comforting him as he hunched over a toilet after crying himself sick because his girlfriend cheated on him, or forcing him to eat because he got so depressed after she ignored him.

It was an endless cycle.

Yet you were always there to build him back up -- to pick up the pieces.

Ever since the first girlfriend he had in Kindergarten that lasted for 2 days and ended in his tears up to the girl he dated in senior year of highschool who cheated on him with her ex...you were the one to fix him.

Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love far too easily and way too hard.

The thought that kept you awake every night, however, was why couldn’t it be you? You were the one who took the best care of his heart -- being the one to piece it back together every time it was broken. He didn’t need to love anyone else. If he just loved you, he would never have to worry if he just gave his heart to you.

But he never would.

Because he didn’t love you like you loved him.

You’d known him since you were babies -- your parents were friends in highschool and it went on well into adulthood.

Naturally, the two of you grew close -- it was inevitable. Your crush on him developed in childhood -- you two got lost in the mall after you strayed away and he kept you safe and calm until you found your parents, his hand clasped tightly around yours as he let you cling to him. That was the first time you realized he made your cheeks feel warm and your tummy fluttery.

Your parents always joked that the two of you would fall in love and get married. It was nearly impossible for that idea not to be imprinted in your mind.

Except, it was never an idea he entertained.

Part of you felt foolish. You were a grown adult with a crush that you’d harbored since childhood -- pathetic, one-sided crush at that.

The thing was, unlike Shinsou, you’d never dated before. It was never something you desired. Sure, you had confessions and love letters but you’d never once accepted them. You just couldn’t see yourself being with anyone but him.

Upon graduating, the two of you realized how terrible it was to be 18 trying to make it in the adult world. After a few years of fumbling and nearly getting kicked out by not making your rent payments on time, you decided that rooming together would be the best idea.

It was a foolproof plan; you’d known each other for your whole lives so it wasn’t like you’d suddenly hate each other, you knew he was responsible with his money and you were too, and he was a quiet, chill guy so there wouldn’t be any obnoxious ruckus.

What you didn’t think about, however, was him bringing girls home.

“This is Aoi,” he introduced, motioning to the smiling girl beside him, “Aoi, this is _____...she’s my best friend.”

“And his roommate,” you added, holding your hand out politely.

“Oh you...live together?” you didn’t miss the distaste in her tone as she reached out to give you a weak handshake, pulling away as quickly as she could. She immediately wrapped her arms around his and he leaned how to press a kiss to the top of her head.

Ouch. That made your heart hurt.

Of course, it was nothing new. This was something you’d been through time and time again.

What you hadn’t accounted for, was her dislike of you. Naturally, his past girlfriends hadn’t always been fond of you -- after all, you were a big part of their boyfriend’s life. And jealousy was a fickle disease.

But Aoi’s dislike bordered on hatred and disgust over you. Every chance she got, she was pulling Shinsou away from you with some thinly veiled excuse. It seemed your best friend was none the wiser as well.

You couldn’t blame him -- he was in love. Unfortunately.

Aoi’s glares were ice cold, often sending shivers down your spine when she set it upon you. It was uncomfortable to say the least. She was at your place often enough for you to take up the art of avoiding her.

That is until one day when things seemed to come to a head for her. You weren’t sure what you did but you found yourself cornered in the kitchen one evening while Shinsou was taking a shower -- leaving just the two of you alone.

“Listen to me,” Aoi spat, arms crossed over her chest, making her look petulant, “You need to back off of Toshi.”

“Uhh...what?” you grunted, looking up from the glass of chocolate milk you were pouring.

“Stay away from him!” she spat.

“We literally live together,” you rolled your eyes, capping the pint of milk, “I can’t stay away from him.”

“You know what I mean,” she hissed, clearly pissed off by your sarcasm. She marched up to you, grabbing your upper arm in a vice grip, her acrylic nails pinching your skin, “I see the way you look at him. I know that look in your eye. You love him.”

Your mind blanked, mouth opening but failing to produce any words. She smirked smugly, stepping back and crossing her arms again.

“I…” your brows came together as you shook your head, finally putting the milk away.

“I knew it,” she huffed, “You can’t take him from me. Toshi is mine so you better remember that. You have no idea what I can do to you.”

With that parting threat, she stormed out of the kitchen back to Shinsou’s bedroom. You felt tears sting your eyes, feeling utterly humiliated by her.

Another thing about Hitoshi Shinsou is he’s terribly dense sometimes. You had no idea how he managed to miss the horrifying tension between you and Aoi. But he somehow did.

The three of you sat in the living room -- the two of them cuddled on the couch while you curled up under a throw blanket with your phone open to Twitter on the loveseat. They were watching some movie Aoi picked out that you knew Shinsou hated, but he watched it anyway. The thought made you bitter.

You’d never make him watch movies he hated. That’s just selfish.

You let out a sigh, catching your best friend’s attention immediately.

“What is it, darlin’?” he asked, the usual pet name he used for you making your stomach flutter. Aoi’s eyes narrowed in distaste at it but he paid her no mind.

“Oh, I’ve just got a bit of a headache,” you mumbled, locking your phone to look over at him.

He frowned, concerned, pulling his arm from around his girlfriend’s shoulders. She whined at the loss, attempting to pull him back but he paid her no mind.

He disappeared from the living room to the kitchen. You could hear the refrigerator open before he began shuffling around the cabinets.

“You’re not slick,” Aoi hissed, keeping her voice low, “Why don’t you just go away. Don’t you think he’d prefer to be alone with his girlfriend? You’re just a third wheel.”

You didn’t get to reply before Shinsou returned, holding a glass of your chocolate milk and a couple pills. He smiled, handing everything to you before taking a seat with Aoi again. She immediately clung to him with a whine.

“Thank you Toshi,” you smiled, popping the pills in your mouth before taking a quick gulp of the milk.

“Anytime, darlin’” he smiled, turning his attention back to the movie he hated.

Part of you felt prideful that he was willing to pull himself away from his girlfriend to take care of you. She clearly saw you as competition and you couldn’t deny the giddy feeling it gave you when you proved to her that you meant something to Shinsou.

You noticed very quickly when Shinsou stopped calling you by his nickname. It baffled you and you didn’t hesitate to bring it up to him.

“Ah, Aoi mentioned she doesn’t like it when I call other girls pet names,” he rubbed the back of his neck in that familiarly anxious way of him. He was avoiding your gaze, further ticking you off.

“I’m not other girls, Hitoshi,” he visibly cringed at hearing his full name, “I’m your best friend. You’ve always called me that.”

He sighed, biting his lip, clearly torn, “Sorry _____,” you frowned at the sound of your name. It seemed so foreign hearing it where he’d usually call you ‘darlin’’, “She is my girlfriend and it’d be shitty of me to neglect her wishes. I want this to work, you know?”

You rolled your eyes, arms crossing over your chest, “This is stupid Hitoshi.”

He sighed, clearly growing annoyed as well, “Look, you’re just my friend, alright? So back off.”

Your jaw fell open at those words, tears already starting to sting at your eyes, “Just your friend? That’s low, Hitoshi. I am not just your friend and you know it.”

He groaned, running a hand through his already messy hair, “You’re starting to sound jealous and clingy, _____. It’s not a good look.”

Feeling that the tears were going to spill any moment, you shook your head and stormed past him, “Screw you Shinsou.”

You slammed your bedroom door, missing the sight of him burying his face in his hands. Hearing you address him by his last name was even worse than hearing his first.

Things remained tense between the two of you for a week. You had really been hurt by his words. You always thought you meant a lot to him -- that you’d never be the person who was pushed aside for a relationship. You never thought Shinsou would do that.

As a result, you made no effort to even speak to him. Sometimes you’d pass him while he sat on the couch, Aoi snuggled up to him. Whenever you made eye contact with you, she held this smug, superior look that made you want to clock her.

You’d never hated a girlfriend of his more.

Finally, Shinsou gave in. He couldn’t stand not having you to talk to. There was this heavy feeling lingering on his shoulders every time he thought about the cold way you called him by his last name. He never wanted to be addressed like that by you.

There were a series of knocks on your door and you paused, debating on ignoring him. He knocked again when you took too long to answer.

“Come in,” you groaned, putting your laptop aside to give him your attention.

“Hey,” he smiled half-heartedly as he slipped into your room, closing the door behind him.

“What do you want?” you asked, no bite in your voice.

He sighed, taking a seat beside you on the bed, “I want to apologize for what I said. I know that hurt your feelings so I’m sorry.”

You were quiet for a moment before you sat up straighter, “Hitoshi...I don’t want you to become a different person because of a girl.”

“What do you mean?” he frowned.

You sighed, “I think she’s a bad influence on you, Toshi.”

He softened briefly at your use of his nickname but it was quickly replaced by a cold stare that sent shivers down your spine, “A-A bad influence? I’m not a kid, _____.”

You frowned, “You don’t have to be a kid to be negatively influenced by another person's toxicity, Hitoshi.”

“You think she’s toxic?” he scoffed, standing up, “You don’t even know her. You’ve barely even spoken to her.”

“Well the bit that I have spoken to her was not pleasant,” you spat, moving to sit at the edge of the bed with your feet on the floor, “I don’t think she’s good for you.”

“What are you, my mother now?” he growled, spinning around to glare at you, “Maybe I was wrong...maybe you are just jealous.”

“How am I acting jealous?” you cried, growing frustrated, “Caring about your wellbeing is jealousy now?”

“Oh get off it,” he groaned, “What’s she done then, huh? Tell me.”

You paused, remembering her threat. But you were so pissed off you couldn’t keep it in anymore, “She’s threatened me to stay away from you. She’s so insecure about our friendship she threatened me over it! Said you were hers and I better remember that. She’s crazy!”

“She didn’t say that,” he argued, eyes narrowed maliciously, “You’re just making shit up to make her look bad now. That’s really low, _____.”

“You asked me to tell you what she did and then you just don’t believe me?!” you screeched, tossing your hands up in exasperation.

“I thought you’d tell me the truth, not make up some pathetic lie!” he shouted, making you flinch.

“Pathetic?” you breathed, shoulders sagging, “Is that what you think of me?”

He was quiet for a moment, jaw set. He seemed to be thinking his words carefully, which made his next even more painful, “Yeah. I do. This jealousy and lying of yours is pathetic. I get if you don’t like her but don’t make up shit about her,” he made way for the door, yanking it open, “Grow the fuck up, ______.”

You didn’t get a chance to reply before he was slamming your door shut. All at once, your emotions came crashing down and you buried your face in your pillow to silence your sobs.

Your eyes fluttered open and you groaned, feeling your head pound. A glance out the window showed that it was nighttime. You had fallen asleep.

You climbed out of bed to your desk to find your packet of headache pills. You let out a sigh of relief as you swallowed them down with the bottle of water sat on your nightstand. Flopping back into bed, you closed your eyes and attempted to relax your body.

Just as it seemed that you were going to fall back asleep, there was a loud noise from past your door. You frowned, your eyes fluttering open in confusion.

It came again and it took you a moment to realize what it was. A woman’s moan.

“Toshi!” you heard her squeal, making you flinch.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you hissed, feeling those tears come burning their way back.

“That feel good, baby? Let me hear you,” he growled and your hands flew up to cover your ears to muffle the sounds of her pleasure.

This was low for Shinsou. Sure, he’d had sex with girlfriends before but he always made sure to keep it down for your sake. Now he was just doing it to dig at you.

He wasn’t wrong about your jealousy but you knew he thought you were jealous over his attention being taken away. But that wasn’t the case at all. It was because you were in love with him.

Now he was forcing you to listen to him fuck the girlfriend you literally had a fight over. This wasn’t like Shinsou at all.

She really was just a terrible influence on him but he was too in love to see it. She was making him into a different person and you hated it. It was happening so quickly.

As you laid in bed, tears wetting your bed as you hid your head under your pillow, you couldn’t help but think.

The stupid fool really fell in love way too easily.

Things went from bad to worse astonishingly fast. Aoi was over more often than she had been before. The snotty comments and humiliating words from her every time you saw her and the cold, deadly glare Shinsou set on you whenever you came anywhere near his girlfriend was wearing on you.

You were unhappy. It was an emotion you rarely ever felt around him -- Shinsou was always the one to pick you up, not put you down. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even respond to your greetings or questions, giving you the complete silent treatment.

It hurt.

To escape the suffocating negativity of your apartment, you picked up even more shifts at work. The video game shop became a place you found solace in.

If Shinsou noticed your absence, he didn’t make it known to you.

“Will that be all for you today?” you asked, plastering on a fake, customer service smile onto your face.

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, slapping down a few bills to cover the charge, “But I think I’d like to add your number to my receipt.”

You took a moment to look at him. He had blonde hair with a lightning bolt of black through it. He was dressed in black jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket. He was cute, you’d give him that.

“Is that the best you could come up with?” you asked, opening the register with a brow raised.

He giggled, making you smile despite yourself, “I was on a time crunch I didn’t want to miss my chance.”

“Who said you had a chance to begin with?” you asked, passing him his change, “3.14 is your change.”

“Well, I was hoping you’d give one to me,” he shrugged, stuffing the change into his pocket before grabbing the bagged video game he’d purchased.

You gazed at him for a moment. He was charismatic and cute. He liked video games just like you. And he’d be a great distraction.

“Sure, why not?” you mused, watching his eyes go wide.

“Wait really?” he gasped, a grin stretching across his face.

“Did you think I’d say no?” you asked.

“U-Usually I get rejected so…” he shrugged, scratching the back of his head with a cute blush reaching his ears, “Anyway, when’s your shift end?”

“Um...closing time, so about 8:30,” you replied, glancing at the clock. 5 hours left.

“Sweet, I’ll pick you up!” he grinned.

“I-I’ll have to change though!” you complained, making him pause and shake his head.

“Don’t worry about it!” with those parting words, he bolted out the door, the bell chiming to signal his departure.

As he disappeared from view, you realized you didn’t even know his name.

You would come to find he was Denki Kaminari; a college student majoring in graphic design. He had a friend named Katsuki Bakugou who was as loud as he was angry. Eijirou Kirishima was a kind, chill guy who mellowed out the explosive Bakugou well. Mina and Sato, two friends-turned-lovers, were a common source of laughter for the group.

You were together for a little over a month and a half when he finally asked to meet your friends. Truth be told, the only person you could consider a friend would be Shinsou. You had acquaintances and those you hung real casually with but Shinsou was the only person you’d consider a friend.

Well, you weren’t sure if he could even be called that anymore.

Eventually, you gave in and decided to bring Kaminari to your apartment.

“Whoa, nice place,” he mumbled, looking around.

“You think so? Thanks,” you smiled, leading him towards the living room, “Like I said...things are...tense between me and Hitoshi so…”

“Who’re you?” a familiar voice came from the entry of the hallway.

Shinsou stood there, messy hair and tired eyed wearing basketball shorts and an oversized t-shirt. His eyes burned holes into Kaminari, who visibly shrunk beneath the heated glare. You took note of how Shinsou didn’t even look at you.

That still hurt.

“I’m Denki Kaminari,” the blonde replied, approaching Shinsou to shake his hand, “I’m _____’s boyfriend!”

You didn’t miss the shift in Shinsou’s look, his eyebrows perking up ever so slightly. His gaze finally shifted to you before he scoffed from his nose, making you wince.

“Alright,” Shinsou mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets before turning his back to the both of you, stalking back to his room with a slam of the door.

Kaminari winced, “Boy, you weren’t kidding.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, motioning him to follow you, “Let’s head to my room. I don’t know if Aoi is here or not and I don’t care to find out.”

“I kinda wanna meet her too,” your boyfriend whispered, lowering his voice so it didn’t carry to Shinsou.

“No you don’t,” you chuckled, shutting your bedroom door once the two of you were safely inside.

You sat beside him on the bed, reaching for your remote to click the TV on for background noise. He cuddled in beside you, commenting on how soft your bed was.

“You smell really good,” he suddenly whispered, nosing at your neck.

You blinked in surprise, moving your head so he could get a better angle, “Th-Thanks…”

He hummed as you shivered once he pressed a few soft kisses against your neck. It tickled a bit but also sent a strange tingle down your spine the more he kissed. Your heart hammered in your chest and you briefly wondered if Denki could hear it.

He cupped your jaw, pulling you into a deep kiss. His tongue met your bottom lip, making you sigh against his lips.

You barely noticed his hand crawling up your shirt until it snuck beneath the band of your bra. The unfamiliar feeling of someone cupping your breast had you pulled away, tugging on Kaminari’s hand to pull him away.

“W-We shouldn’t…” you whispered, unsure of how to reject him, “W-With Shinsou the way he is…”

Kaminari looked skeptical for a second before nodding his head, “Got it.”

And that was that.

At least you thought until he began trying more and more. It became common for you to find his hand up your shirt. The feeling made you uneasy, making you realize you really weren’t ready to have sex. Kaminari was your first boyfriend and you weren’t willing to give everything up to him like that.

“Why do you always stop me?” Kaminari asked one day, voice soft and reassuring.

“I just…” you cleared your throat, biting your lip, “I don’t want to go that far yet.”

He was quiet for a moment before smiling and nodding his head, pulling you closer to him with a kiss to your forehead. Your body relaxed, thankful that he wasn’t angry with you like you had feared he would be.

He began following your wishes, no longer attempting to go past kissing. You were thankful.

Unfortunately, your bliss didn’t last long because next thing you knew, he was dumping you. Over text.

You had just got home from work, your feet aching and dread pooling in your stomach at the idea of being home. You were so tired of being scared to come home, it was exhausting. Shinsou was sitting on the couch, eating something he’d made himself for dinner with his back to you. He didn’t even show any signs that he knew you were home.

Lingering by the door, you pulled your phone out to check your notifications.

One from Denki made your heart stop -- the preview text already displaying what you feared. Your fingers were trembling as you unlocked your phone to look at the message.

As you read it, the words grew blurrier until tears began to drip onto your screen -- further obscuring the words there.

A small whimper escaped your throat, despite the way you tried to choke down any sounds. You quickly scurried to get to your bedroom when a strong hand snagged your wrist. Wide eyed, you were spun around to find Shinsou wearing a frown and furrowed brows.

“Why are you crying?” he asked, voice stern with concern.

You shook your head, feeling pathetic. You didn’t like Kaminari that much. Truthfully, you were mostly dating him to get away from Shinsou. But the idea that you were dumped because you wouldn’t have sex was utterly humiliating. Your first real boyfriend dumped you because you wouldn’t put out.

“You were right,” you sniffled, unable to hold back the sob that tore through your chest, “I am pathetic.”

He didn’t have the chance to even think of a reply before you were escaping his hold to hide away in your bedroom. You haphazardly stripped and changed into your softest set of clothes, deciding you were going to wallow in your own self pity for the night.

Your humiliation overshadowed the fact Shinsou had shown you the first sign of care in weeks. He had reacted to your crying just as he always had and instinctively moved to comfort you.

You could hear muffled voices from the hallway, one male and one female. The fact he brought her over after you just had a near meltdown in front of him irked you and only brought more tears forth.

A sense of anger rushed over you -- you didn’t want her there. This was your house and you didn’t want her there while you were going through it. You had half a mind to go out there and kick her out, maybe Shinsou would let it slide since you were clearly having a tough time.

What you didn’t expect were the shouts coming from them. You frowned and walked towards your door, cracking it open to listen to their shouting from the living room.

“You’re kicking me out?!” Aoi cried.

“I’m not kicking you out,” Shinsou sighed, “You don’t live here. I’m just asking you to go home for the night, Aoi.”

“Why should I?” Aoi argued, “Because she’s upset? Who cares!”

“I care!” Shinsou snapped.

Aoi scoffed, “Oh yeah, since when? Last I checked you picked me over her!”

“I didn’t pick anyone over anyone,” Shinsou huffed.

“Really?” Aoi’s tone was dripping in sarcasm, “You haven’t paid her a second of attention since your little fight. I doubt you even noticed how she’s been working full-time instead of part-time. Why do you think that is? To get away from you! Not that I give a shit, but you have been treating her like dirt. So don’t even try and pretend you give a shit, I know you don’t. You only feel bad because she’s crying. Once she gets over it you’ll just come back to me in the end. So just let her sulk by herself, she’s a big girl.”

Shinsou was quiet after that. You were sure he wasn’t even going to respond but you continued to stand there and listen. The apartment was silent, you could even hear the ticking of the decorative clock Shinsou’s mother had given you both.

“She was right, huh?” he finally whispered.

“Huh?” Aoi replied, clearly annoyed.

“I really did let you turn me into someone else,” he sighed, “God, I’m so stupid.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Hitoshi?” she snapped, growing impatient over the argument.

“You should leave,” Shinsou said, voice strong once again, “You and I are done.”

“What?!” Aoi shrieked, stomping her foot, “You can’t dump me! Not for her!”

“Get out, Aoi,” Shinsou growled, yanking the front door open.

She scoffed, “Don’t come crawling back to me when you learn she isn’t worth it.”

The slam of the door signalled the end. Silence ensued and you slipped back into your room, letting your door shut silently.

Just as you expected, there were a few soft knocks on your door. You didn’t reply but he opened up anyway, peeking in to find you sitting on the bed with your head hung.

“I assume you heard all that,” he said, cupping the back of his neck nervously.

“Yeah, kind of hard to miss,” you mumbled, feeling awkward about sharing this moment with him.

You didn’t look up when he sat down beside you. With a sudden tug, you found yourself wrapped up in a sweet embrace.

“Why were you crying? Did something happen with that Kaminari dude? Did he hurt you?” his concern brought forth a new flood of tears that you let go.

“He dumped me,” you whined, clinging to the front of his shirt.

“Why?” he asked, petting your hair softly.

You scoffed, shame building up inside you, “Because I didn’t want to have sex with him.”

Immediately he pushed you back by your shoulders to look at your face, “He dumped you ‘cause you wouldn’t fuck him?”

“Yeah,” you mumbled, avoiding his gaze, “He said he had needs and he wasn’t willing to wait for me to put out.”

“Jesus,” Shinsou scoffed, shaking his head, “What a prick,” he pulled you into his chest again with a sigh, “It’s good you didn’t sleep with him then. He wouldn’t have been worth it.”

“Yeah, I would have regretted it,” you nodded, “I’m not even sad he broke up with me. I just feel like shit that it was over sex. He was my first boyfriend and I got dumped because I wasn’t ready...that sort of feels shitty, you know?”

Shinsou nodded, resting his cheek atop your head, “I understand. It’s like a blow to your self-esteem, yeah?”

“Exactly,” you sniffled, your tears finally coming to a stop as he held you and let you talk, “I didn’t like him enough to sleep with him anyway. Even if I was ready.”

Shinsou chuckled, “Well, I’m glad you’re not heartbroken over it.”

You were quiet for a long moment before you pulled away from him, “How are you? I know you liked Aoi.”

Shinsou frowned, looking at his hands in his lap before shrugging, “I actually don’t really feel anything.”

“Really?” you asked, surprised. Usually he would be in tears by now. But he was right, there wasn’t even an ounce of sadness in his eyes.

He nodded, “All I really cared about was you. I guess realizing what she really was wiped out anything I felt for her. Truthfully, it was probably going to be over soon anyway.”

“Why do you say that?” you asked.

“We just didn’t have good chemistry, I suppose. The sex was great but beyond that we didn’t really share any common interests,” he explained, leaning back on his hands with a sigh.

You cringed at the mention of sex -- remembering the night you sobbed as you were forced to listen to them go at it. Shinsou seemed to notice your discomfort, leaning up straight once more to take your hands in his.

“I’m sorry, ______,” he breathed, making you look up at him, “I was such a fuckin’ asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that and if you chose to never forgive me I would understand. But I promise I will never let a girl come first again. You’re my best friend, you’re the entire world to me and you will always be here when all the girls leave, I know that. No one can ever replace you.”

His words caused a flood of tears to flood down your cheeks again. You threw your arms around his shoulders, tugging him into a desperate hug. He wrapped his arms around your waist, fisting the back of your shirt with his face buried in your neck.

“I will always be here, Toshi,” you hiccuped, “I really will. It doesn’t matter if you choose the next 50 girls over me, I would never let you go. I would rather live with you ignoring me and making me cry over not having you at all.”

He sighed, tears of his own falling from his eyes and wetting your skin but you didn’t mind, “I would never ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to,” you whispered, voice trembling. You couldn’t stop the next words from coming, you didn’t even try, “That’s how strong my love is for you, Toshi. I would do anything for your happiness. I’ll let you cry on my shoulder when girl after girl breaks your heart, even though it hurts so damn much because I know I would never, ever let you down like that. I’ll sit with you in the living room while another girl is wrapped in your arms, desperately wishing it was me, because you want me and her to be friends. You don’t even know it but you have every bit of me,” your voice broke as you let out a sob, taking a stuttering breath before continuing, “I never dated because I only ever loved you. You’re the only one I ever want to love. I don’t even care if you don’t feel the same, Toshi, I just needed you to know...I have loved you since we were kids. Whenever your mom joked that we would get married, I used to go to sleep hoping it would come true one day. You’re it for me, you know?”

Shinsou was still, every muscle in his body tense against you. You remained relaxed, relishing in being held in his arms even though it very well may be the last time you would ever experience it. His tears had stopped and you could feel his hands trembling against your back from where he was still holding your shirt in tight fists.

Finally, slowly, he pulled away. You avoided his gaze, scared of what you may find there. With trembling fingers, he lifted your chin until you were finally forced to meet his gaze.

“______…” he whispered, your voice like honey on his lips, “Is that true? Since we were kids?”

You chuckled through your still falling tears, “Remember that time at the summer festival when I wandered off and you had to chase me? And I got scared because I couldn’t find our parents? When you let me hold onto you and you kept reassuring me that everything was okay…” you shrugged, your voice cracking as you uttered, “I knew I loved you then. And I love you to this day.”

His wide eyes were glassy as he stared at you, mouth agape in his shock. It was so much for him to take in.

Before you knew what was happening, he was leaning in and pressing his lips against yours. Your vision went white for a second in shock at the feeling.

His lips were soft and as you began to kiss back, you tasted coffee on his lips. Typical of Shinsou, it was late at night and he was still drinking coffee. The thought made you smile and you wrapped your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. He cupped the back of your head, a soft sigh escaping him as he moved his lips expertly until you were breathless.

After a long moment, he pulled away. The both of you were panting, eyes lidded as you processed what just happened.

“Toshi…” you whispered, feeling euphoric after kissing him, “I don’t understand.”

He shook his head, cupping your cheek, “All you need to know...is that I love you too.”

You gaped at those words coming from his lips. Surging forward, you pressed your lips against his again. He smiled into the kiss, leaning further against you until you were forced to lay back against the mattress. His body was hovering above yours, held up by his elbows on either side of your head.

He wasted no time in touching your body, years of desperation finally culminating into this one moment. His hand slid beneath your shirt, pushing the hem up to expose the soft skin of your belly. He paused at your ribs, unsure if you were okay with him going any further. But when you gripped his wrist and urged his hand up to cup your breast, he threw away those inhibitions.

Thumbing your sensitive nipple, you keened as they hardened beneath his touch. He leaned down a bit more to press his lips against yours.

You lost yourself against his lips, whimpering and grinding against nothing. Just the fact the man you’d loved for so long was there touching you after years of craving it had your panties soaked.

“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, breaking from the kiss to kiss down your body.

You trembled beneath him, watching him with rapt attention as he kissed the exposed skin of your stomach and ribs. Sighing, you let him push your shirt over your head to discard off the side of the bed. He leaned forward, enveloping one of the pert buds in his hot mouth, tonguing at it until you were whining and begging him to give attention to the other one. He did so eagerly, providing a stimulating suck before finally pulling away. His lips were swollen and his cheeks were flushed, the very fact you made him that way was dizzying.

“Wanna taste that perfect cunt too, baby,” he growled, voice losing the soft, sweetness it once held.

“O-Okay,” you agreed easily, raising your hips so he could tug the last remaining articles off of your body.

The second you were bare, his hands were pinning your thighs open. His eyes examined every inch of your pussy -- taking in the juices dripping from your clenching hole.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he groaned, using his thumbs to spread your folds apart, “so pretty too, god. Look at you...you’re perfect. Bet you’re so sweet…”

“Please Toshi…” you whimper, reaching down to tangle your fingers into his hair.

His eyes fluttered at the feeling, allowing you to pull him to your pussy where he eagerly ran his tongue flat between your spread folds. You gasped, eyes slamming shut as he paused to wrap his lips around your clit for just a split second. The teasing touch was addictive and you suddenly wanted more.

Shinsou understood what it is you wanted and quickly dove back in for more. Circling his tongue around your clit, your back arched. You wanted to close your thighs against the stimulation but his strong hands kept your legs pinned open.

He swirled his tongue quickly, moaning before enveloping the bud in his hot mouth. You tugged his hair, crying out his name as you felt a high approaching rapidly. He looked so good between your thighs, eating your cunt like you’d dreamed of for ages.

Suddenly, he pulled away, licking his lips before sitting up.

“Fuck, tell me babygirl,” he breathed, “You gonna let me fuck this pretty cunt?” you nodded, reaching to push his shit up but he stopped you, looking you in the eyes, “Use your words. Tell me.”

“Yes, please fuck me Shinsou!” you begged.

He grinned, pressing a kiss against your lips before stripping himself of his clothes.

You almost gasped at the sight of his cock. He was big; long and thick. Subconsciously, you clenched your thighs together in anticipation.

“You ready?” he asked, scooting to sit between your spread legs.

You tensed up as he prodded your entrance with the fat head of his cock. He realized how tense you were and ran his hand along your thigh to soothe you, “You good? You can back out anytime, darlin’.”

You swallowed thickly, feeling your cheeks heat up as you looked at him through your lashes, “I-It’s just...go slow?”

He frowned, brows drawn together before he backed away from you a bit, “Is this your first time, sweetheart?”

Licking your lips, you hesitated before nodding. Shinsou sighed, hanging his head to rest against your collarbone. You frowned, “I-Is that bad?” you asked.

Truth was, you never wanted anyone but him. You never had a desire to have sex with anyone but him. You knew he was the one person you’d never regret being with.

“No!” he sat up, eyes wide before wrapping his hand around the nape of his neck nervously, “I just wish you would have told me sooner...that was almost bad.”

“Why?” you asked,making him chuckle. He shook his head and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Well…” clearing his throat, he looked off to the side bashfully, “My dick’s not exactly the smallest around and since you’re a virgin you could do with...a lot more preparation, you know?”

Your cheeks were ablaze from the bluntness of his words. He didn’t waste another second in bringing his hand to your still wet pussy.

He sighed, a smile lingering on his lips as he worked his middle finger into your tight hole. Humming, he bit his lip as he slipped his ring finger alongside it. You sighed, eyes fluttering at the mild stretch that came along with it.

“Feel okay?” he asked softly, working the two fingers in and out of your hole.

You nodded, “Feels good,” you breathed.

Your eyes fell closed as he crooked his fingers upwards to touch that sweet spot on top. Your hips jumped at the sensation, ripping a moan from your swollen lips. He smirked, burying the digits deep, licking his lips at the way your juices gushed out from around them.

With his other hand, he found your clit, circling the bud with his thumb as he worked his index finger into the mix. The added stimulation to your clit made your wall clench tightly and he grunted, imagining what it would feel like around his cock.

“Please Toshi,” you begged, “I want you already.”

“Thank you’re ready?” he asked, although he already knew the answer.

And he was right when you whimpered out a pathetic little, “Yes!”

He resumed the position from earlier, his tip pressed against your entrance. It was opened a bit from his three fingers but he knew it was still going to be a tight fit.

He took your hand in his, lacing your fingers together as he began to sink into your cunt. You whimpered as your walls stretched around him, squeezing his hand. He bottomed out quickly, stilling to let you adjust to being stuffed so full of his thick cock.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, pressing a kiss to your lips.

“N-No…” you mumbled, “Just...feels weird.”

He chuckled, kissing your lips again. He could feel you squeezing around him, your cunt unused to having such a big cock inside. The fact he was your first, the one taking your virginity -- tainting your pure body was turning him on more than he ever thought it would.

He couldn’t even lie and say he’d never taken a cherry before but with you it was different. He felt a sense of pride and possessiveness wash over him; you were his completely. You had given him your heart and your body.

Burying his face in your neck, he pressed kisses against the sweet spot he easily found there. Grinding his hips against yours, he stirred your insides with his thick length until you were arching your hips to get more of the addictive pleasure only he could bring you.

He pulled out halfway, slowly sinking his cock back inside with a groan.

“That’s a good girl,” he praised, eyes glued to where your cunt was stretched around him, “Taking me so well, look at that.”

“Feels so good,” you whimpered, clutching the sheets beneath you in your fists.

“Yeah?” he grinned, pulling out so the tip remained only to surge forward and sink his cock into you in one long thrust. Immediately, your back arched and you let out an erotic moan that had his cock throbbing against your walls, “Fuck, my cocks almost too much for you but you’re bein’ such a good girl for me, aren’t you? Taking what I give you...fuck…”

His praise and dirty words went straight to your core. He set a steady pace, making sure to angle his hips up so he could hit your g-spot. The pleasure had your eyes rolling back and you cried out his name every so often, making his heart race.

“Sound so pretty sayin’ my name…” he groaned, cupping your breasts in his hands as he fucked you, “Pussy’s so tight and wet...I can feel you dripping, you know that? Who would have thought such a pretty cunt could get so messy. But you only get this messy for me, right darlin’?”

“Only you!” you babbled, wrapping your arms around his neck to press your lips against his. He moaned into your mouth, reaching between your bodies to circle your clit, “Fuck! Toshi, y-you’re gonna make me cum!”

“Fuck,” he groaned, “Do it then, sweetheart. Go on, cum on my fucking cock.”

A few more thrusts and circles over your swollen bud had you falling over the edge. Your body trembled and arched beneath him, cunt spasming around him as he worked you dutifully through your orgasm.

Once you came down, he pulled his hand from your clit and pulled out. You were panting, body limp and relaxed as you let him move you onto your hands and knees. Keeping your face buried in the pillow, you allowed him to maneuver you into the proper position.

He pressed his hand down on the small of your back, “Arch your back for me, good girl.”

“Th-This is embarrassing, Toshi…” you whispered into the pillow.

He hummed, gripping his cock to direct himself back into the sweet vice of your cunt, “No reason to be embarrassed, kitten. It’s just me...you can trust me.”

“I-I know...but still…” you whimpered, eyes fluttering as he sunk his cock deep inside. The position allowed him to reach a new depth.

“Do you want to stop?” he asked softly, running his hand along your spin.

You hesitated for a second, focusing on the pleasurable sensation of being filled so completely before shaking your head. He grinned, leaning down to kiss your shoulder blade, “Good girl.”

The praise went to your head and you suddenly had a desire to receive more. You wanted to be good for him -- be his good girl.

You lifted your head from the pillow and cried out his name, fucking yourself back against his cock. He grinned, slapping your ass lighter than he usually would do it -- he wasn’t sure how you would take to it. When he felt you clench around him in response, he grinned. That was something worth looking into it seemed.

“Toshi…” you whined, reaching back to grip at his hip.

He hummed, slowing ever so slightly, “What is it, kitten?”

“Please…” you whined, feeling your cheeks flush with embarrassment over what you desperately wanted to ask him.

“Please what?” he whispered, kissing your shoulder blade again, “Tell me what you need, baby.”

“C-Call me...y-your goog girl again…” you whispered, immediately burying your face in your pillow.

He paused, eyes wide before another grin grew across his face. Wrapping his arm around your waist, he pulled you up until your back was pressed against his chest. You cried out, his cock stilling inside you as he pressed his lips against your ear.

“You like being praised huh?” he asked, chuckling when you nodded, leaning your head back to rest on his shoulder. He enjoyed the fucked out look on your face, “Like being my good girl, hm? Such a pretty, sweet girl for me…”

You whimpered, walls clenching around his still cock, “I-I love you Toshi…”

He hummed, reaching down to find your clit. Circling over the bud, you keened, eyes fluttering as your cunt clenched tight around him, “I know you do, sweetheart.”

Suddenly, your walls squeezed, clamping down tight. He groaned, cursing under his breath as he felt your body seize up in your orgasm, trembling and gushing around his cock. He pressed his lips against your shoulder, looking down to where his length was buried completely inside.

You began to rock yourself along his cock, your orgasm flying to new heights as he never stopped playing with your sensitive bud.

Suddenly, he watched with wide eyes as your cum squirted out, soaking the bed and your thighs.

“Shit,” he growled, providing a few quick slaps against your clit, making you squirt just a few more times, “What a good fucking girl you are. Look at the mess you made. You’re so perfect, I love you so much.”

Those words had you clenching once again. That finally sent him over the edge himself. He rocked into you, holding you tight against him. His cock throbbed, spitting hot cum into your sensitive cunt.

He cupped your breasts, groaning in the throes of his orgasm as he pressed kisses against your shoulder, neck, and cheek.

When he finally came down, he gently laid you on the bed, pulling his cock out. His cum gushed from your hole without his length to stop it. You cringed, the feeling unpleasant to say the least.

He got out of bed to go to the bathroom intending to get a cloth to clean you with.

When he was gone, you found yourself thinking about what just happened. One particular thought was on your mind and when he returned, you didn’t hesitate to voice it.

“W-We didn’t use a condom…” you mumbled.

He hummed, “Were we supposed to? I thought you were on birth control.”

“I am...it’s just…” you frowned, clearing your throat as you watched him wiped your thighs and sensitive folds free of your mixed cum.

“What?” he sat beside you, fixing you with a steady gaze, urging you to confess your thoughts to him.

“You were just...dating, you know...Aoi and…” you sighed, averting your gaze from him, “Other girls before.”

He chuckled, laying beside you, “What, you’re concerned I have something?”

“Well no...not necessarily…” you frowned as he cupped your cheek, making you look at him.

“If you must know…” he shrugged before continuing, “I always used a condom with them.”

“Really?” he nodded at your question, “Then...why with me?”

“Because you’re you,” he smiled, kissing your lips, pulling you to lay against his chest, “You’re the one for me, kitten. That’s all you need to worry about.”

Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love easily. But he never gave those girls his heart. He cried because he thought he could never have you. The truth was, you had always owned his heart. It had always been in your hands.

#bnha x reader #shinsou x reader #bnha smut #shinsou smut #hitoshi shinsou x reader #shinsou hitoshi x reader #mha x reader #bnha imagines #mha imagines #mha smut #afton.writes

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isa-ghost · 3 years

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How do you hold onto hope that anything will be done with Anti or any of Sean's Egos? I fell out of love for JSE and his content about three years ago due to.. I guess just growing up? But I used to check back in from time to time because he used to promise that "Big Thing's" we're coming for his Egos. (Mind you this was before the pandemic took full effect so there wasn't that as an excuse.) I just recently checked his channel and saw he has taken a step back (Good for him and his mental health if he needs that!) from making content. Did he burn out? Is he ever going to do anything with the Ego's? I don't even know why I care at this point? I guess I just want logical answers and you are the smartest JSE fan I know? Anywho. Sorry for the rant. I'll get out of your asks. 🌶

Oookay unpacking this ask time.

Anon thanks in advance for sending this because as feisty as I felt at first, it helped me get out a lot of things I've wanted to say in this regard for a Long Long Time so, yeah. Thank you.

1. Personally I don't like the term "grew up" in reference to CCs or much of anything tbh, because you're rarely too old to enjoy the things you love. But I get what you mean regardless. Just wanted to plop out my take on that topic in general. Never think you're too old to enjoy something harmless though. :)

2. I've been shaky on hope lately, to be honest. He's not been doing a ton of videos in general lately, minus some strays and the Deltarune Chapter 2 series (I genuinely didnt expect him to play it bc he hadnt played another recently released big game I wanted to see him play but he did, and I'm super grateful bc it was killing me lowkey). Which obviously the decision not to make a ton of content at the moment is okay. He's very burnt out, he's been having severe health issues both physically and on/off mentally. The lack of content and low energy he's had lately is just disheartening if that's the right word idk. BUT!! We DO have a MASSIVE Thankmas stream coming in December to look forward to!

I miss him and some days I get kinda,, idk, bitter? About the radio silence. But unlike a lot of people that have been in and out of the JSE Community between 2018 to now, I respect his health and the fact that he's a whole ass human being and has a life and other things he is more than free to do instead whenever the fuck he wants. TLDR I think have better critical thinking skills than some people on here and Twitter lmao. And the last few years have been shit, both in the world and- at least on here -in the community (dare I mention the t*ablogs). Though lately the community is quiet and very very peaceful and enjoyable again. At least in my corner here.

The thing is, I'm not and was never here ONLY for egos. I love Sean and everything about him to bits. He made one of the worst few years I had in the 2010s infinitely more bearable and gave me an explosive amount of inspiration for creativity that I'd not really experienced before. And friends I'll never let go of.

I miss ego content. I want it to keep going. I'm extremely sad it might not continue. But as an artist, I know why he was promising big things once upon a time. When you're a creator and you have a story like this, you want to flesh it out. The motivation and muse is high. People are excited and you want to deliver. The difference with Sean is that he wanted it to be as high in quality as he could push for after all our excitement and incessant thirst for more. And his plans involved a budget and more than just himself and none of it was his main focus. It was a fun side project.

HOWEVER, big projects like this get interrupted by life, smaller projects, distractions and other things. Sean got SLAMMED by all of the above non-stop these last few years and then hit a bad burnout. I think that through it all, he hit that dreaded wall some artists with big, long term plans like the egos story hit and lost motivation. It got overhyped. Pressure got too crushing. Any plans he made to FINALLY continue the ego storyline got murdered by Covid more than once (which.. personally the term "excuse" sounds kinda shitty in reference to that imo but I digress). Making promises only to have outside variables beyond his control break them was killing him, so he just stopped promising. And people who have no respect or patience got annoying and some got straight up inexcusably vulgar, immature and hateful before dramatically fleeing the community in a tantrum like he'd personally come to their house and betrayed them. It was infuriating to watch go down.

But no matter how much it might hurt or be disappointing to see it die out, I'm here for Sean and his journey no matter where it takes him. I'm not sitting here being a stubborn beacon of anything. And I also recognize and (no matter how reluctantly) respect that we aren't OWED ego content. Never were. It was not an obligation no matter how many promises he made or how much hype he stirred up. And to be fair? We drove the hype a million miles further than he EVER did and we can't blame him for that. I hate the people who do. I'm grateful for the ego content we got and I'll cry if we ever get more. But if it's done, it's done and we just have to accept it. I, as sad as I am to, accept it. And we can always make our own.

And finally- thanks for the compliment. Idk if I'd say I'm the SMARTEST but that means a lot either way. :')

I hope this gave some answers even though it came out more of a vent/rant and PSA??

Obviously any JSE followers and mutuals please feel free to reblog this. But don't start any fights, not that I really expect there to be any?

#jacksepticeye #jse community #jse egos

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aphrodite1288 · 3 years

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Ks has been receiving love calls since he was still in the army. He had already said that if he was asked to participate in a variety show, he would accept. He doesn't want his private life exposed is one thing, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be promoted. You are making excuses for the neglect, mistreatment and sabotage the career him

#Disclaimer: 1st of all that's going to be a long ass Post to reply to any asks like that, so I hope people would read everything and not just read half of it and go bark somewhere about something I said that I have explained later but y'all didn't reach it to read it! So read everything before making comments or sending me asks. I don't want to repeat what I said here. So read before coming at me and bombard me with asks about stuff I already discussed here in this answer!

Sis you barely even know anything of him now. He already started filming his movie in June and finished filming his MV in late May or early June and you knew nothing about it 💁🏻‍♀️ coz if he really wanted to share that with y'all he would have mentioned it in his bubble or at least we would have seen him outside in the set. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO 🤷🏻‍♀️ HE doesn't want y'all to know, and don't tell me "coz SM is locking him up in the basement" that's why he can't breath and write you in bubble?? Heck! He even comes sometimes just to tell us about the weather or to drop a song and never mentioned about anything else about his life or his schedule. Normally all the members update about them going into their schedules but without revealing the content of the schedule coz that's the rules, but at least we get a pic or two of them heading to their schedules! To know that they're jobless! Heck Sehun is jobless now but we see him more than we see Ksoo who's extremely busy with a drama a movie and a debut and album preparations and promotion preparation! But Ksoo doesn't want that! He doesn't want y'all to know things about his life or what he does, or where he goes 🤷🏻‍♀️ That's why his fans and Fansites are so secretive and don't share anything, UPON HIS REQUEST. And to respect his extreme private character.

If he wanted he would have accepted Variety shows darling. He is busy filming a drama and a movie and making a debut and an album and preparing for promotions. Do you think he is free to be on Variety now? Even if he was asked , he can't now. Maybe later after or during his debut to promote for his album yeah, But definitely not now. Yes he had opportunities and he refused them coz he's busy. And maybe we would see him in the future but he is not into reality shows that much. Now he is focusing on his acting career and singing career relatively. As he is still not built as a solo artist yet to start a new journey for building a variety character and image for himself now. But maybe after his debut. Hopefully 🙇🏻‍♀️🕯️🕎

Sis he is busy, booked and he doesn't like being in the lights. He said it himself he had trauma in the past that left scars on him and affected his behavior with his own fans that's why he said he is distant from them.

Stop making me look like I hate Kyungsoo. This account is MAINLY and ONLY about HIM and Ji 💁🏻‍♀️ do you think I'd bother make an acc about him and talking about him 25/8 if I hated him 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fans don't want to admit their idol don't like interacting much with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's the truth. He likes his job but not the fans and sasaengs and aeygo part of it. He said it himself, he even thought of quitting Many times, as he found that he isn't FITTING into this idol world.

There's something u need to know, SM only wants to renew with Ksoo and Chan and Ji and Baek and mainly KSOO and Baek. So he is not sabotaged he is favored in the company. It's just that he doesn't like working with sM anymore! and he is enjoying his acting career and idol life while being locked up in the studio and movie sets without fans mobbing him and following him everywhere. If it wasn't for Hongki we would never know that Ksoo started filming and making his album and blah blah. Yes Ksoo doesn't like talking much to the fans and he isn't the type of idols to share everything about his life and everything he does.. with his fans. As he does his job as a real job and he enjoys it. I sometimes doubt that ksoo is the one writing in bubble 💭 except for the song recommandations maybe. 🤔

If he wanted he would have sent y'all pics of himself in Bubble like how all the members do but HE DOESN'T WANT TO 💁🏻‍♀️ Now go blame SM on that too.

I was always told that Ksoo said he wished he was a professional actor and singer but to not be famous! He said he wishes to be known for his talents and to do his job that he loves so much but to not famous at the same time 😂 which is impossible btw. He said he hates fame. He wishes he could do the job he loves so much but without the whole interacting and fame and spotlights part of it. I was told that. Since very long ago and I was sad at first to hear that. But after seeing Kyungsoo enjoying his privacy and not being mobbed and respected by his fans, I was extremely happy. Heck you can rarely hear anything about him or see any pics of him from his fans coz they keep everything to themselves coz I was told that that's what Kyungsoo wants and they keep his life private and never share anything about him- I was so happy to see him do what he likes the way he likes it in complete privacy.

We rarely hear he was out with someone for a meal but when we do, it's years after it happened 😂 or with no pics at all. Like how he met Zico and they were both at the studio maybe collaborating. But we didn't get any pics from his solo stans and Fansites not even Exol. Cuz they know he doesn't like it when things about him get exposed .

Like we rarely saw any pics of him outside not before military nor after. And this been happening for years now since debut (I mean the issue of rarely getting updates and pics about him in the streets or restaurants or hanging out with friends) wdym SM is putting him in the dungeon for once debut?? No! Sorry he was the most promoted member and the first one to start a solo career as an actor ONLY 2 years after his debut when he was still a rookie, he has always been the most promoted among all the members even before Jongdae and Baekhyun ! 🤷🏻‍♀️

To put it up in another way: Ksoo doesn't like working with sM anymore and all the members too as they're all now going to leave and not renew so they mostly accept few of the projects suggested to them to make profit from them and stay active in the lights in the mean time before they decide what to do later. So they will not risk taking big opportunities with big companies or shows and sign big-long term-contracts for a long period with big acting or variety companies coz they can't do much projects now in the name of SM since the contract is nearing its expiration, so as long as they r still labeled as SM ARTISTs and still under SM contract so SM would still take their fair share of the profits, So since their contract is nearing its end..they can't do big projects that require long period of time such as accepting deals for long term positions in a show such as "Official MCs" or "Fixed cast member in a show that would last for years" or to "sign with an acting company coz most of them have the bare minimum for a contract is 3 years i guess (idk i don't remember) or to sign with any company that obliges a long-term contract " etc.. coz SM would still take their profit even after they leave as the contract was signed with those companies when Exo's contract with sm was still on. And that's the last thing they want.. is after leaving your shitty company, they would still take profits from you.

Also most companies don't suggest you big and long term projects when your contract with your company is nearing its end! That's why most if the members now are jobless only getting few short-termed projects, Coz these companies are not only working with the idol BUT they're working with their company as well. As it's the one who decides most of the the idols opportunies and decisions and does everything for them.

So if you don't like the truth and don't like to hear things that don't go along with your fantasies about your Oppa then that's not my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ Go Fix it .

And I hope you won't drop Ksoo after discovering something about him that you didn't like to admit he has 💁🏻‍♀️ he doesn't like yall to know things about him and he doesn't like interacting with his fans that much through social media. He has a private IG and if he wanted to talk to y'all he would have made a public one but he doesn't 🤷🏻‍♀️ just like Jongdae! And they are free and we should respect their decision! Jongdae Chose his private life over fans and trust me he is so happy with his wife and daughter and i saw them with my own eyes. He is enjoying his privacy and he is caring less about what haters are saying or if fans are disappointed.

You should get used from now on to the feeling that your bias doesn't want your nose always in his life and doesn't always want you to know everything about him and doesn't want to show himself up in programs and projects he doesn't want to do just COZ YOU WANT TO SEE HIM THERE. Also Make it in your heads that your bias private life and his close people are 1000 better than being with you all the time and satisfying your requests and fantasies💁🏻‍♀️

Respect and understand that your idol doesn't always want you to know everything about them and if your Oppa likes to be introvert and private you should respect that ! instead of complaining 25/8 on Bubble and twitter and IG about wanting to see him.

Be like Korean Exol they see Ksoo they meet him all the time they photograph him yet they never share anything or if they do it's after a long time, just coz they respect him and they know how private he is and how he hates his info and pics of him enjoying his day being exposed all over the internet. That's why we rarely get updates about Ksoo from OPs. And even if you beg them to buy his pics and updates they won't give u anything. That's why sasaengs always say they can't get anything about ksoo coz it's very hard as he is a very private person and his info are the hardest and most expensive to get.

Remember in the first half of 2019? When he disappeared for 6 months straight and never updated one word about himself and we were so worried and though he was leaving? He didn't even come out to deny the departure rumors it was SM who did, instead when we were all scares he was leaving and we haven't heard anything of him and were dying of concern, he was enjoying his cooking courses and applying for military and preparing for his position as a chef in military and going on vacation with his friends and squads and lover and chanyeol and you didn't know anything about him, you didn't hear one word from him! (Except for the pics with chanyeol at the airport and just coz chan was there if he wants tI doubt we would have got pics of ksoo at the airport leaving to japan) And he went straight to military after that with no update nor a goodbye Party nor anything! Just a plain letter in which he said he will enlist and after that he disappeared for 3 years (6 months before military and 1 year and a half of military and 7 months after discharge💁🏻‍♀️) Heck He even went and told the member that he will enlist without hesitation coz he is like that and members said they were shocked when he came and said he is enlisting all of a sudden like he just told them he was going to play football or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ He didn't want to make a goodbye party for his enlistment like how XIUMIN did, and why again? for the same goddam reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't you ask yourself why we rarely get any news about him 🤔 it's COZ HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. 😂

After his discharge we heard he went along with Park shinhye and his Hyung actors squad to play golf together right after his discharge (in January 25th) , in February but we got no pics 💁🏻‍♀️ Why? Same reason🤷🏻‍♀️ everyone in korea knows Ksoo doesn't like coming out of the closet and expose himself to the public and interact with FANS and haters and obsessed fans and sasaengs.

KSOO WAS TRAUMATIZED BY FANS and SASAENGS AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO HIM AND WHAT HE SUFFERED YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HIS LACK OF INTERACTION WITH FANS and you WOULD GIVE HIM EXCUSE. HE CAN'T HELP IT! He tried so hard to get over this issue but couldn't. HE LOVES HIS FANS BUT HE CAN'T INTERACT WITH THEM PROPERLY AND HE APOLOGIZED ABOUT THAT A LOT! So please understand him.

Sometimes it's not always the company sometimes it's the idol himself who wants some SPACE. Maybe A LOT of space 😂 in Ksoo's case.

I'm not making excuses for the sabotage and Mistreatment, I'm showing you the Kyungsoo that you probably don't know.

We can't judge SM mistreatment to him now as he is not active now, but once his album is dropped that's when we would see and we could judge if they treat him well or not. And i hope his album would get all the promotions his talents deserve.

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graphicabyss · 4 years

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?人 NEWS

I wrote an enormous post, or rather an essay, concerning NEWS, Tegoshi, and everything that went through my mind in the past month. Honestly, it’s mostly my way of coping, getting it out of my system and sorting out my thoughts and feelings. But I decided to also post it here for those who might want to read.

It was a long time coming. The rumours were lurking around for years and a month ago they bloomed. And yet, the full realization is yet to dawn on me. When something devastating happens, our mind tends to shake off the pain by either exonerating the beloved person who hurt us, or blaming them and distancing away from them. It's really hard to stay objective. But I'll try.

Coming into this fandom, I prepared myself for disappointment. Once I was a TVXQ fan. You know, the 5-nin TVXQ that was going to be "together forever" and all that. So I wowed never to get that invested in a pop band. When NEWS came along, I tried not to get too attached. I knew it would hurt me, sooner of later. And for awhile, it worked. But, as years went by, I knew I lost the battle. We humans need to cling to something. Thus, nearly 7 years have passed.

To me, Tegoshi has always been a key component. He was the one that led me to NEWS. Or rather, how pretty he looked in a dress. Tegoshi always kept me interested. Sometimes he excited, sometimes he annoyed, but he was never ever boring. He was made of contradictions, both in words and in actions. Nothing ever adds up with him. He made me want to understand him but I could never quite grasp it. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because he doesn't really understand himself either.

In these years, I had several crisis points where I considered leaving the fandom, all caused by something shitty Tegoshi said or did. But every time I bounced back. Of course, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself. However, his selfishness has always been offset by his kindness. The last time was him crying at the end of Neverland tour and how sorry he looked. Till the end, I wanted to believe that his common sense and loyalty won't let him do something reckless and stupid. Yet, here we are. The interview he gave to Bunshun led me to believe that he would do the right thing. He said he would show his gratitude to JE and would definitely make his fans happy but now it's the furthest thing from the truth. The fandom is disappointed, confused, angry.

Some people say to get over it, that Tegoshi was meant to leave or some shit. But I think those people fundamentally misunderstand the heart of the problem. It's not that he left that infuriated the fandom. It's how and when he left. Most fans would support his decision to leave if the transition was done properly. He owed us that much. A proper apology. A proper gratitude. A proper farewell. The announcement had me in disbelief. I expected him to at least finish the contract, do the Story Tour, no matter how long it takes, and show the members, staff and the fans the respect they deserve. To cut it short feels like a violation. At the very least, we need a closure. The last goodbye. The last concert. The last something. He just left JE after 17 years like it was nothing.

More than anything, what he did seems so stupid. He had it so fucking good. He was always in the spotlight, both on stage and in TV shows. The other members did most of the offscreen work allowing him to shine. He was supported by endlessly patient members and staff. He had the freedom to choose and all the work he wanted for each of his passions - ItteQ, Soccer Earth, OpenRec. And he had fans that always supported him, no matter how many scandals he had.

What was so important that he had to give up on all the amazing benefits he had? To betray all this trust? And on top of it, at a time like this? When all world is going through so much shit? When the fans need moral support more than ever? What were the "dreams" that he talked about?

The ability to rant on Twitter? Making duckface selfies? Fucking around? Assembling a shitty rock band? Performing with strippers? Some kind of unique business opportunity? He talked for years about wanting to perform overseas or hosting fan events but right now these things are offlimit anyway. Why couldn't he at the very least explain his decision properly? Just that alone will definitely hurt his further career in the long run. The press-conference lasted 2 hours but it answered none of the questions that really mattered and there was no remorse. Though at this point, I can't trust anything he says anyway. He created his Twitter account the the evening it all went down and didn't bother explaining himself. He just jumped off the ship and let other people deal with the damage.

Even now, it all seems like some kind of bad dream. Then again, all of the 2020 does.

When I first saw "手越退社" trending on Twitter back in May I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral, like all air was sucked out of me. And it wasn't the "oh, no! what will the band do?" I never went to a NEWS concert and never brought any merch. To me, it wasn't really the feelings of a fan whose band faces a crisis but rather that of an entrepreneur who invested too much money into one asset and watched it plummet.

Fandom stuff is a currency that can devalue in a blink of an eye. Its valuable as long as its core message is intact. This is why I can't stand people being petty over scans or videos. I share when I can knowing it will make someone happy because I know that tomorrow that someone might move on. When I stumble upon old closed journals with password-protected downloads they feel like ancient abandoned temples. The treasures in them turned to dust.

4nin NEWS were based on unity, the combination of 4 unique characters. Four components, each of them essential. Now that concept failed. It's like standing in front of a collapsed building. I try to assess the damage. How much of it can I salvage? Repurpose? How much is lost and needs to be cleaned up? Should I even bother?

What do I do with hundreds of live performances and TV shows, in HD, lovingly downloaded and stored?

What to make of thousands of scans, magazines, pamphlets, almost each image edited and sorted? Thousands more stored neatly in folders, waiting to be posted. Countless screens and gifs.

What of the member ai fanvideos that gained over 100k on Youtube bringing joy to so many people? I already got the first heartbroken comment saying "we won't ever see them like that again, will we?"

What to make of my unfinished stories? Honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud in my entire life. Now their future is uncertain.

Do I take down the poster on my wall? The CDs on my shelf? Soon I will have to looks at my enormous stash and decide for each item. Things that once brought joy now cause pain.

NEWS weren't selling music, they were selling ideas and dreams. The cute band photos now cause hurt and anger. The uplifting songs about unity won't be convincing. All the concerts lost their charm.

Am I being too dramatic? Probably. Perhaps the issue itself may seem trivial to an outsider but our grief is real.

Tegoshi keeps saying he loves NEWS and adores the members. But to me, loving is doing everything you can to avoid hurting the ones you love. Perhaps he means it, but that love will never compare to the love he has for himself. Despite what he says, I doubt we'll even see them together again and I'm not even sure I want to. I knew apart from Koyashige, the members aren't really that close personally. Tegoshi is shallow and seeks popularity more than anything. I'm sure than now he'll hang out with even shadier characters than before. The members used to provide him with the much needed tough love. Now, with nothing and noone holding him back, he'll give in to his overblown ego.

I'm not sure how I feel about NEWS continuing as 3. I mean, I support their decision and that's probably what most fans want but to me, I don't know if it'll work out that well. They were already a band with a lot of luggage and now, just like in 2011, they are a band that induces pity. They would have to rearrange so much to try and fill this huge gaping hole. Not to mention they will struggle vocally. No songs, no choreography can be unaltered. It might be better to go on within the agency doing their own things. But then that would just mean Tegoshi was indispensable and all the work they put in will be wasted. The Story must be competed.

In the past week I went through various stages of grief. The anger was strong and so was disbelief. Now it's finally subsiding, giving way to acceptance. It won't come soon but I'll let all the emotions run their course. The fact is Tegoshi remains very entertaining and the temptation to keep following him and rant about him is strong. I probably wouldn't even fight it if he were to leave with at least a shred of dignity. But with the way things are, I refuse to support him in any way. And I will at least try to phase him out as much as I can as I realize that even my anger is playing into his hands as he wants nothing more than attention, good or bad. Instead, I'll try to focus on those who do deserve support.

I'm not yet sure how to proceed with the blog and everything else but I'll take my time and figure it out. The truth is Tegoshi was one of the two major things that have kept me here for so long. And no, the second reason is not Shige. It's the people. Out of all the fandoms I've been in over the years this one really felt like home. I met so many amazing people here, even though many of them have since moved on. I felt accepted and appreciated.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. But today I feel fine. I have a dozen reasons to be depressed. But I'm not miserable right now because of the fandom. I've had about 10 people write to me within several days. Some of them I haven't talked to in months, some I've never talked to before, and some from other fandoms. They reached out to share their thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so much. I felt less alone. I felt a sense of solidarity, a sisterhood. Many agreed with me and it was touching but even more touching were the people who didn't necessarily agree with me and still wanted to hear what I had to say.

Perhaps it's patronizing but I feel like right now the best I can do is stay connected and go through this together. If I can help others, through informing, making someone smile, or supporting emotionally, it's all worth it.

#musings

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atths--twice · 5 years

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Five Times Mulder and Scully Stopped for Gas

As asked for on Twitter, I have written a little story with a glimpse into times Mulder and Scully stopped for gas. Hope you enjoy it. 😊

They pulled into a gas station and up to the pump, their first case together just beginning, and the rental car low on gas. Scully unbuckled her seatbelt, opened her door, and started to get out of the car.

“Oh,” Mulder said, causing her to pause, and look back at him. “No, I got it.” He took his seatbelt off and started to get out of the car.

“I’m quite capable of pumping gas, Agent Mulder,” she said hotly, the conversation she had with Ethan recently, fresh in her mind. That ideas such as taking out the trash or pumping gas was a “man’s job” and how that belittled women. “I can and have done so on my own, I don’t need—”

“Agent Scully,” he cut across her, his brow furrowed. “In no way am I insinuating that you are not capable of doing something as mundane as pumping gas into a vehicle. I was merely defaulting to the arrangement I have had with other partners, in which the driver is in charge of filling the tank. I don’t know how you did it before, but that’s how I’ve always done it.” He stared at her innocently, and she felt her anger abating, nodding at him once before she closed her door, leaned back in her seat, and buckled her seatbelt.

He smiled and nodded, getting out of the car and heading inside the station. Coming back out a few minutes later, he laid the items he purchased on his seat - sunflower seeds, two bottles of water, and a chocolate bar - which he handed to her. She looked at him in surprise and took it before he started to pump the gas. Looking down at the chocolate bar, she smiled at the small peace like offering, and put it into her bag to enjoy later.

______________________

Leaving Comity, determined to never come back, Scully angrily drove them out of town, blowing through a stop sign. Mulder sighed and then sighed again, before she told him to shut up once more. Silence hung heavy in the car and her anger was palpable. Seeing the gas gauge on empty, it was her turn to sigh, and then shake her head.

A station appeared a few miles down the road and she pulled in and up to the pump. Mulder took off his seatbelt as she put the car in park. While they usually did adhere to the long standing whoever drives pumps the gas, more often than not, Mulder would take the role upon himself, regardless of his position in the car. Even if she tried to stop him, he would simply grin and shrug, continuing with the job at hand.

Sometimes she did not mind being the one who paid and collected snacks, but some days, she would blow up at him that this was once again a hunter/gatherer type situation. At his confused look, she would shake her head and explain, again, how for some reason pumping gas was seen as manly, so of course he would jump to do his duty. To which he would then shake his head, and explain to her, again, how that was ridiculous and he never saw them that way.

Well, tonight she definitely did not want his help, not in any way. “I got it, Mulder. Please, don’t trouble yourself.” Taking off her seatbelt angrily, she opened the door and slammed it as stepped out.

“What the hell?” she heard and turned around to look at him.

“What, Mulder? I’m the driver, I get the gas. That was one of our agreements, right?” she asked, seething inside as she crossed her arms and stared at him. She had half a mind to drive away and leave him in that crazy little town, never looking back.

“Jesus Christ, Scully,” he said, shaking his head. “Are you seriously still angry? Everything has gone back to how it’s meant to be and yet you’re still upset. So yeah, what the hell?” He opened his arms, moving around the trunk of the car, walking closer to her.

“Are you kidding me?” she said, raising her voice and stepping closer to him. “You … you degraded me in front of Detective White, repeatedly. You made me feel less than, numerous times and you’re just going to what, blame it on the alignment of the planets? The planets made you act like a jackass? Made you treat me as … your tagalong, the person who you ditched to hang out with some tall perky “blonde.” None of that was you?” She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms tighter.

“I did not ditch you,” he scoffed and she answered with a scoff of her own. “I didn’t. I … you were checking on Jay’s body and we had been … at odds with each other -”

“Because you kept cutting me down in front of Detective White!” she interrupted, throwing her hands up and staring at him. “Not only was that rude to do to me personally, but professionally … Jesus, Mulder. Do you have any idea how that made me look? I don’t care who else is around, male or female, I am your partner and you treated me like some afterthought who was called upon when needed, but left once something, or someone, better came along. The ‘alignment of the planets’ is a shitty excuse for your behavior.”

“You think I would have behaved that way if it hadn’t been the case? That I really feel that way, like you’re a tagalong?”

“It started the minute we walked into that funeral home, Mulder,” she said, shaking her head “‘If you detect a hint of skepticism or incredulity in Agent Scully’s voice …’ Why? Because I chose to want to look further than the ‘satan is to blame’ fear mongering? The belief that satanic rituals were the culprit was enough, simply because someone said so? Well, then, look at me! I’m the Queen of England! It’s true, I said so!” Throwing her hands up again, she stared at him and he shook his head.

“The eyewitnesses to the kids murder said it was as much, and yes I now know it was a lie, but their stories corroborated each other, why would they not have been believed?” Mulder asked, and Scully walked a couple of steps away, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Mulder,” she said, turning to him with an incredulous look. “Is it so much easier for you to believe in satanic rituals, than two pretty, popular girls deciding one night to kill someone? It’s not as though it hasn’t happened before.” He stared at her and she scoffed again. “Well, I can’t look at evidence that points to a satanic cult ritual story and not try to find a plausible explanation. I can’t accept at face value, something that others believe without question. That is not me … and you should know that by now.” She deflated like a balloon, no longer angry, just hurt by his actions. “I deserved to be treated better than I was by you, in front of others, alone, planets aligned or not.” He looked down at the ground and nodded, before looking up and nodding at her once again.

She sighed and walked into the station to pay for their gas. Watching him from inside, she saw him get back in the car and she sighed. “You okay, ma’am?” the young clerk asked, and she nodded with a forced smile. Taking her receipt, she took a deep breath, and stepped outside and over to the already opened gas cap.

Choosing to let it be a peace offering, even if it slightly enraged her, she pumped the gas. Watching the back of his head as she did, she tried to let go of the past few days, and the argument they had just engaged in, in public no less. Closing her eyes, she stood until the gas shut off and she replaced the nozzle, closed the tank, and got back in the car. The silence a little thinner, they headed out of town, relieved to put it behind them.

________________________

Another chemo treatment with an unscheduled stop along the way, as she was unable to keep her stomach from throwing up what little was inside it. The effort it took, left her weak and sweaty, but she tried her hardest not to let it show. She took deep breaths and tried to swallow down the returning bile that threatened to gag her every few seconds. Her eyes closed, she felt the car slowing down, causing her to open them.

“Uh, I’m sorry, I need to stop for gas. I was in a rush this morning and I didn’t have time. I’ll be quick,” Mulder said quietly, and she hummed in response, knowing he must see how weak she was feeling, and she hated it.

As the car stopped, she was determined to not let the cancer or the exhausting rounds of chemo take so much from her. She unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed herself up into a better sitting position. Reaching for the door handle, she was easily stopped by Mulder’s hand.

“What are you doing, Scully?” he asked so incredibly softly, it was as if no words were spoken at all.

“Snacks,” was all she could breathe out, before she broke out in a sweat, falling back into the seat, her eyes closing.

“I’ve got it, Scully. I’ve got it,” he said, softer than before, if that was possible. His hand moved gently from hers, his door opening and shutting softly.

She remembered the sound of the gas cap being taken removed, the nozzle being placed inside, but nothing after, until he was unbuckling her seatbelt and helping her out of the car.

“Come on, Scully, I got you,” he said quietly, bringing her carefully to her feet, letting her try to stand on her own, before putting his arm around her waist and walking her slowly to her apartment.

She was sweaty again and nearly there, when she almost collapsed. He caught her and lifted her into his arms, walking the few remaining steps down the hall to her door. He opened it, carried her to her room, and set her on her bed. He took off her shoes and helped her to lay down, before disappearing.

She heard the front door open and shut once, then again, as she kept her eyes closed, focusing on her breathing. It was quiet for a few minutes, and then his voice spoke softly close to her ear.

“Scully, drink this, but just a sip.” A straw was placed in her mouth and the sweet, cold, bubbly taste of 7-Up filled her mouth. “That’s it, just a little bit. It should help settle your stomach.”

She took slow sips for nearly an hour, before he was satisfied she would be okay, and could hold more down. He gingerly helped her remove and change her sweat soaked shirt, before she laid back down. A soft moist cloth, gently stroked across her face and her forearms, cooling her down. She kept her eyes closed throughout, thanking God for gas stations with little convenience stores and men like Mulder who were there to catch her when she stumbled and needed him most.

_______________________

“You seriously expect to drive?” Mulder asked, as they walked toward her car on their way to her Lamaze class.

“I do expect to drive. I drove home from the bureau today. I’m not an invalid, I’m just pregnant,” she said, giving him a look.

“Yeah,” he laughed. “You are very pregnant.”

“Excuse me?” she asked, turning to him and placing a hand up to stop him from walking.

“I meant … that’s very true … you’re pregnant,” he cleared his throat as he hugged the pillow he grabbed from inside, a poor item choice to protect his body. She narrowed her eyes at him and he winked at her. “I thought we were in a hurry?” Staring at him a second longer, she moved her hand and continued on to the car.

As she drove away, after exhaling loudly when she sat down, while Mulder wisely kept his mouth shut, she saw the gas tank was empty. Sighing, she headed to the gas station, and pulled up to the pump. Turning off the car, she looked over at him.

“Well, I can’t pump the gas, I’m pregnant,” she said, trying not to smile. He stared at her and shook his head, smiling himself as he opened the door and got out of the car. She smiled as the door shut and she rubbed her belly.

A knock sounded on her window and she jumped. Looking at him, she rolled it down and raised her eyebrows. “Do you want anything from inside?”

“Surprise me,” she smiled and he leaned in to kiss her. Pulling back, she grinned and he shook his head before turning around and walking inside. She laughed as she continued to rub her ‘very pregnant’ belly, and waited for him to come back.

He walked out, his hands behind his back, heading for her door. “Pick a hand,” he said and she smiled. Pointing to the left, he handed her a bag of sunflower seeds and she stuck out her lip. Smiling, he held out his right hand and the package of peanut butter cups. She gasped and grinned as she grabbed it.

Stepping back, he smiled and walked around the car to pump the gas, as she opened the wrapper on her candy. Taking a bite, she closed her eyes, smiling as the delicious combination of peanut butter and chocolate hit her tongue.

A couple of minutes later, he opened the door and got inside, smiling as he did. She wordlessly handed over the other half of her candy and he grinned as he took it and shoved it all in his mouth, chewing it up as she started the car.

“I’m driving on the way back,” he mumbled nearly incoherently around his mouth full of chocolate and peanut butter. She laughed as she rolled up her window and they drove away.

___________________

The sun was beginning to rise as she pulled into the gas station, Mulder asleep beside her. She shook her head and turned off the car. Grabbing some money from the bag in the back, she looked at Mulder once more before going inside to pay for the gas and some essentials.

There was a doughnut shop next door and she stepped in to buy a few for the road, two coffees, and two bottles of orange juice. Walking back to their car with a tray holder and the bags of items, she carefully opened the back door and set the drinks on the floorboard and the bags on the seat. Shutting the door softly, she pumped the gas, filling their car with the necessary fuel to keep them moving.

Pulling away slowly, she entered a parking spot away from the pumps, as she looked out onto the wide expanse of the desert. Mulder was still asleep beside her and she glanced over at him, before getting out of the car, to grab the food in the backseat.

Sitting back down in the driver’s seat, she took out her doughnut and watched the sun rise. A week on the run and it was already exhausting. The constant moving from place to place was a necessity she knew, but it was hard. A moment of peace in this little corner of the world, was everything to her right now. Taking a sip of coffee, she looked over as Mulder began to stir. Opening his eyes, he blinked at the early light around him.

“Hey,” she said with a smile and he yawned, stretching and sitting up straighter. He shivered and looked around with a deep breath. “There’s coffee and orange juice, plus some doughnuts.” He nodded as he yawned once again.

“I need to pee,” he said, getting out of the car, and heading into the gas station. Scully drank some more coffee and waited for him to come back, the sun slowly brightening the sky.

He was back quickly, shivering in the cool morning air and sat down in his seat, reaching for the coffee he offered. They were quiet as they drank, him just waking up, and her with thousands of worries burning inside her mind.

“You sure this is what you want?” he whispered in the quiet of the car, and she looked at him, staring at his profile, before he turned to look at her. He shook his head and she smiled softly.

“My answer hasn’t changed since the last ten times you’ve asked me that question,” she answered quietly. “This is where I want to be, need to be. Sitting here in some gas station, just like countless other times, together. Mulder, I can’t be away from you anymore, so yes, this is what I want. Is it what you want?”

He frowned at her and shook his head. “Running, always looking over our shoulder, no that isn’t what I want. Especially not for you,” he sighed and looked out the window. “But I can’t imagine being here alone, not again. I ached for you, Scully. Physically ached for you.” He turned to look at her again and she reached to touch his face.

“I know. I did for you too,” she whispered. “So yes, this is what I want. I’m right where I’ve always been meant to be.” He touched her hand that was resting on his face. They stared at one another, the sun casting them both in the early light. He kissed her palm before she moved her hand.

Setting her coffee in the cup holder, she started the car, backed up, and left the gas station. Reaching for his hand, she squeezed when he laced his fingers with hers.

“Did you happen to get any sunflower seeds?” he asked, after a few minutes of silence.

“Mmm-hmm and a couple of iced teas too,” she said with a smile, causing him to grin.

“My little gatherer,” he teased, squeezing her hand, causing her to narrow her eyes. Lifting her fingers to his lips, he looked at her. “Could be love.”

“Oh, it definitely is,” she affirmed, squeezing his hand lightly. He kissed her hand once again as she turned her eyes back to the road, heading wherever it would take them.

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maximelebled · 8 years

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2016

Wo-ho-ho-ho there, it's time for my yearly blogpost again.

We all know how bad this year has looked; 2016 is a terrible year, 2016 was the worst year, 2016 this, 2016 that. And really, who could blame anyone for thinking that? But I feel like I'd be doing myself a disservice by focusing too much on the negatives; with our cognitive bias and all that, we tend to forget that the world keeps on getting progressively better and that despite appearances, overall, things are looking... up? Not that we should let our guard down; in fact, more than ever, we need to be aware of each other and look out for each other. The two greatest values you can have, and that you can transmit to other people, going into 2017, are empathy and curiosity.

But anyway, I'm not a skilled writer and other folks will have already said more or less the same thing already, so now it's time to talk about myself again!

Before I do that, though, I would like to give my most heartfelt thanks to the people who have supported me through this year, whether from close circles or from further. I know, it's cliché, but at the same time I feel like people don't realize how much their support means to me, and the true, hidden impact it has had on my life. You know who you are! ♥

I still find writing this blog post to be as oddly awkward as last year, but it's good to let things out, have it all laid out in front of yourself; especially when things keep becoming more of a blur over time. I can't really distinctly remember specific periods from this year as well as 2015, but then again I'm also writing this while coming down from a nasty flu. I've read that things become more of a blur over time the more you age, because you have more of a frame of a reference to go through. That prospect makes me uneasy, but at the same time, I don’t dread it as much as I used to.

2015 was arguably a worse rollercoaster as far as I was concerned, with higher highs but also much lower lows. 2016, smoother ride? Less exciting. Even though from an outside eye it may look more impressive, which feels like a weird contradiction.

In February, I got taken onboard at Nightdive Studios to work on a really cool project: a remake of System Shock. It started out as a 1:1 project (almost like a Doom source port, if you see what I mean?) but eventually the ambitions grew into actually doing a full-fledged reboot. We ended up releasing a "pre-alpha" demo for a Kickstarter that grossed $1.35 million, and people seem to be quite excited, which I'm happy about. I wasn't very happy with my animation work in the demo but since then, I got time to iterate on it and I'm more at peace with it right now. Of course, I wish I could talk more about the project, but I obviously am not in the position to! ;)

It's funky, going from nearly two years of Dota & "cartoonish" animation right into something more AAA-realist, with less stylization, and the transition is a bit hard, but of course, it's a very valuable process to learn how to dial your own style back. I’ve felt that animating kind of goes like this:

At first, you have zero idea what you're doing and everything is super stiff and robotic. Then you learn about follow-through and inertia and you start doing that everywhere because it makes things smooth... too smooth. So then you dial it back... back... oh wait, things are too stiff again! And ultimately, after 15 years of repeating that process, back and forth, you'll probably be an amazing godlike Pixar-worthy animator... when you reach the point of being able to animate stiffness that looks smooth.

Of course, all that is a (relatively humorous) generalization but it's a pattern I've observed in other animators, mostly in the SFM community; their growth in skill over time seemed to have this sort of trend. I think I'm about halfway there... hopefully!

Right now, we’re in the middle of our vertical slice phase. My favourite part of the project is— well, I have quite a few of them, but I wanna say my coworkers are an absolute delight and our lead programmer is a freaking angel. I feel really lucky to be able to work with these people. And that’s gonna sound dumb, but it makes me feel weird that they LIKE ME BACK. But you know, impostor’s syndrome, etc. though that’s gotten better recently. Still, it’s hard to get used to the thought of things like “dude, there are animators from Blizzard who follow you on Twitter, stop doubting yourself for a second”.

youtube

July rolls around, and I decided to participate, again, to The International 2016′s Short Film Contest. This time around, I teamed up with EDJE (Erick Wright) and @zandraart — and I won again. First place! I was legitimately expecting to get third, at best, even though there were people like SirActionSlacks telling me “dude you won already stop worrying”. Unfortunately, my brain was louder than their voices; I remember the night before the results were announced, I couldn’t sleep despite having taken two sleeping pills...

As self-centered as a statement like that may sound, winning three animation contests and having worked on four games eventually ends up drilling in your head that there is no reason to let shitty people influence your brain. I guess it’s a self-esteem thing 😃

This sort of feeling that I was not being myself, forcing myself to not be me, well, it’s gone! And for the first time I’m starting to feel like I got my shit together, even if only just a bit, so that’s relieving.

We did the movie in two weeks again, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m not as happy with it as I was with Enigma’s Exasperation. The execution might be a little stronger but the idea is weaker for the one minute format. But a good thing to remember: it’s fine to not always outdo yourself even if you meant to.

That said, for next year’s contest, I hope I’ll be able to dedicate more time to making the film. I’m hoping they extend the maximum time to 90 seconds and make the prize pool less top-heavy again... but, unfortunately, knowing Valve, I wouldn’t count on it.

Here’s a list of my favourite music albums that I listened to this year:

The Timura Trilogy series of albums by Bjørn Lynne (Wizard of the Winds, Wolves of the Gods, The Gods Awaken)

Fortress by James Hunter USA (bandcamp)

Everything from Nelward

Orange Express (1981) by Sadao Watanabe

Memories in Beach House (1983) from the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series

The Dark Crystal movie soundtrack by Trevor Jones (if you’ve never watched the movie, you should, it is absolutely incredible)

Now onto health... I believe I've mentioned this subject a couple times before. Being a nerd who works from home, I'm subject to many of the sins that come with having a commute consisting of merely walking down the stairs from one's bedroom. The two biggest being 1) a terrible sleep schedule and 2) lack of physical activity.

I use the Sleep as Android app; upon telling it that I'm in bed, it starts using my Pebble smartwatch to track my motions and determine the quality of my sleep, the phases, the cycles, and whatnot. But the most insightful data doesn't even come from that algorithmic tracking; the times for "when I went to bed" and "when I got up" are more telling. Here's a chart of my sleeping times since the beginning of 2015. Each vertical bar represents the sleep of one day.

I've taken the liberty to highlight the time range between 22:00 and 9:00 in the morning, sleeping times that would make you say "yeah, this person is a reasonable adult". As you can see, my sleeping times often didn't fall into that range, and the whole graph has a stripey appearance because my sleeping times keep shifting a little every day, almost like I'm living 25, 26 hour days.

What I love about this graph is that you can definitely see the times when I had to get it together; The International 2015 is very noticeable, with no "stripe" pattern where there would have been three previously.

Here's a zoom on only 2016:

There’s actually a bit of improvement here; the length of the "stripes" keeps growing, and in the middle of some of the stripes, I hang to regular times for longer and longer before slipping away into indecency again. I’m trying my best to keep that progress on the right track. (a track that goes right to my bed)

Now, as for the lack of physical activity. It's very tempting to stock my fridge and then live like a hermit for 3 days, but I've tried to make sure this wouldn't happen. The goal is to not have a single day where I don't move at least a minimum amount of time, unless I have a very good reason to (like illness).

I use the S Health app to passively track my steps; it offers a few fun statistics, and also counts steps onto an additional counter if you've walked fast enough for a certain amount of time, that is to say, at a pace that is considered physical activity. If I were to walk for 1 hour, and during 15 of those minutes, I was at a pace that was above 100 steps a minute (I believe that’s the threshold), it would amount to about 6000 steps, 1500 of which would then be qualifying as "healthy steps".

I took all the average monthly values and put them in this chart:

It's really easy to see on here when my motivation just plummeted post-TI5, after all that terrible stuff I've mentioned before. It took quite a while to shake the depression off. I would consider 3000 steps per day to be the baseline goal, as it amounts roughly to 30 minutes of walking per day. In the latter half of 2016, I managed to reach that goal!

The last thing I wanna talk about, health-wise, is understanding, in my opinion, the two big hidden plagues on ourselves: the first one is sugar, the second one is stress. I saw a very eye-opening documentary on Arte that talked about how cholesterol was made to take the fall for heart disease and whatnot, and sugar is in fact the true culprit — combine that with recent studies showing how it’s, in fact, “similar to drugs”, and it’s easy to see how we’ve come to think it’s harmless but it’s not, much like how we thought cigarettes were good in the 50s. This makes me glad I stopped drinking sodas and eating candy as much as I did four years ago; I’ve largely replaced the drinks by either carbonated water or the stuff that’s light on sugar (both in terms of sugar AND taste).

The second plague is stress. This ties into mental health. I deeply believe that learning how to stay sane and relaxed, as weird as that may sound, is one of the fundamental keys to living well; don’t worry about stuff you can’t control. Of course, that doesn’t mean “be apathetic to the world”. Our cognitive bias makes us focus so much on the negatives that it’s become so hard to perceive the positive side of things. This is gonna sound stupid but I hope you see what I’m trying to get at here: for example, there are really shitty people being all like “I’m gonna run over Black Lives Matter protestors”, stuff like that, and we get outraged at it, and rightly so; but in the process, we forget that it’s a really good positive thing that BLM exists in the first place. You know what I mean? I don’t know how to phrase it. Like I said before, I’m not a skilled writer!

And it’s frustrating, really, to have all these ideas, vague concepts floating around your head; you know what you mean to yourself, but you don’t know how to communicate that to other people. Language, writing, and communication are skills far more important than most people realize!

Anyway, to reiterate what I’ve already said like three times now, it comes down to not worrying about things you can’t control. It’s hard to internalize and it took me years to understand it, but it’s a valuable life lesson.

There are a ton of other little life lessons that I don’t actively think about but which have been super valuable on a day-to-day basis; these are also, for the most part, hard to phrase into coherent words, but the best one would be that it’s okay to be wrong and to make mistakes, but it’s also (even more) okay to admit that you were wrong and that it’s not a personal failing, as in, a failure of you, as a person, to have made a mistake or whatever. I think it’s something that is extremely important to teach people, because it’s part of the entire “be open-minded” package, if that makes sense? It was hard for me to change myself until I realized that admitting that I made mistakes. It’s kind of like the five stages of grief; the first one is acceptance, and you’re not going to make any progress until you go past that...? When you say to someone, “you did something wrong”, or “you made a mistake”, whether it’s moral, personal, professional, whatever, if you don’t have that mindset, that person would perceive it as a personal attack. But to err is human, and errors are not reflections of your moral standing as a person. I guess it comes down to having this distance between... yourself... and what you do? See, here, words fail me again. That said, I hope you see what I’m getting at.

Anyway, that’s it for looking back on this year... here’s a sneak peek at my next big personal project, hopefully to be released in the first trimester of 2017!

#year in review

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theliterateape · 5 years

Text

Validation by Exaggerating Harm is Straight Out of the Propagandist Playbook

By Don Hall

I was told that she had fallen during the graveyard shift (10 p.m. – 6 a.m.) and face-planted into the asphalt. That she refused medical attention despite her face being a bit mangled, and that she had been sitting in the Denny’s for several hours. I was also told that she needed to check out of her room in the next hour or she would be evicted unless she paid for another night.

It was also apparent that both Security and the outshift manager had had enough of her. My heart went out to her as this was just not her night.

I see her sitting in a booth, gingerly sipping at a milkshake. She resembles a matronly librarian. She is surrounded by several bags and a large purse. The left side of her face is swollen, her bottom lip is huge and she has a contusion on the bridge of her nose. Both eyes are black.

I introduce myself and ask her if she’s alright and if there’s anything I can do for her before she checks out of her room (my attempt to be kind while still emphasizing that she has to leave or be escorted off the property). She quietly begins explaining what happened and how insensitive the security staff was, how horrible the Denny’s waitress was, how awful the hotel manager had been to her. It’s her birthday, she informs me. Her bruised eyes well up with tears as she speaks and her hands shake. She tells me that she is an author and shows me a photo on her phone of her at a book signing. Her husband is an astro-physicist and she is in Las Vegas for business. She has no vehicle and isn’t sure what to do.

“Okay. Helen? Let me go and see if we can extend the check out time and if you’d like a meal instead of a milkshake, I’m glad to take care of that for...”

“I’m not feeling very well,” she interrupts. “I have a form of epilepsy and my medication isn’t reacting well to the trauma of the fall. Last year I had a tumble and felt the same way. My husband...” and she continues to softly drone on in a manner that prevents me from exiting the conversation without being rude. I stand up and slowly start to back away because I have work to do and need to see the hotel manager about her potential eviction.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, Helen.” I turn to the waitress. “Please take care of anything she needs and I’m happy to comp it.” And I head back to the casino.

✶

I’ve done quite a bit of pruning from my social media outlets. Recently I culled my Facebook friends from nearly 4,000 to less than 500 in part because there were so many on there I couldn’t recall ever meeting or corresponding with and in part because the increased intensity of rhetoric from both the Alt Right and the Woke online was making me hate humanity and pushing me further toward the political center than I like.

This did not, however, prevent me from landing upon the #TalesfromHisShadowat16thStreet thread. From what I gather an exclusively black theater company was commissioned by 16th Street Theater Artistic Director Ann Filmer to do a show and had a less than ideal experience with their production.

Among their difficulties was an uncertain comp policy, poor communication about the extension, a series of parking tickets issued by the City, and someone calling the police on the audience from the theater. Remember that the Chicago Theater Community is now populated with the Woke and a small army of Self-Loathing White People (although they don’t so much loathe themselves as much as white people in general) so it would not be appropriate to place blame on their woes on disorganization, the city’s near constant state of revenue via parking tickets, or a random asshole deciding that 911 was the call to make for some random reason. No, it all boils down to Filmer’s apparent racism.

If you’d ever spent fifteen minutes with Filmer you’d know how silly and childishly destructive is this rationale.

✶

By the time I return to Helen, she has eaten a small meal but is now slightly sick. She needs a wheelchair to go to her room to retrieve her belongings before checking out and, while she suddenly feels the need to vomit the food she just ate, she can’t walk the twenty feet to the bathroom to do so. I grab her a Denny’s bag and help her around the corner a few feet where she barfs in the bag, returns to her seat, and I dispose of the bag. She also wants to be transported to a nearby emergency room due to her epilepsy and weakness.

Each time I check in on Helen it is like walking into one of those old jungle movies with the quicksand pits. She has been so maligned in the past eight hours that a genuine gesture of kindness and respect is grabbed onto like a vine from above.

✶

Goebbels is known for the statement “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” The complement to this idea is that if you exaggerate the harm enough, people will take the offense more seriously.

Take Donald Trump for example. His language choices are intentionally hyperbolic. He routinely elevates perceived enemies into traitors to the State and rants on and on about witch hunts and lynchings. The Left takes the bait and wastes time arguing the semantics of his grievances (“Witch Hunts are against women!”) and the Right buys into the faux seriousness of them and responds in outrage.

It doesn’t help that the Left elevates his discourse as assault and his rhetoric as violence. These concepts are simply ridiculous and even the dumbest of his supporters can see that.

Does anyone really believe that the police shooting 700 people (most of them white) is an “epidemic of police violence”? The very definition of “epidemic” includes the idea that it is widespread. Seven hundred out of 350 million people is hardly widespread.

Is it at all reasonable to consider the decision for people to boycott the stand up comedy of Louis CK and the destruction of his career? The guy is still making a better living that 95 percent of the country, right?

Are comments and questions about gender or race genuine aggressions or simple curiosity and is there actually violence involved? If it is true that words are the same as violence can I press charges against the guy who flipped me off and called me an asshole for taking too long to turn left last week? Can the smirking MAGA hat kid sue thousands of Twitter bullies? Should Trump be impeached for saying shitty things about, well, everyone?

✶

It turns out that in order to help Helen go to a medical facility, it is the strict policy of the casino to call paramedics despite her desire to simply get cab fare. I ask her if that is okay with her and she frets a bit, complains some more about being asked to either pay for another night or leave, and finally agrees.

One of my peers pulls me aside.

“You know she’s pulled this before, right? I mean, we all appreciate you going out of your way to help her but she’s trying to work you to get something.”

“I can’t believe that,” I respond. “She really fell and was really injured and, I don’t know, when I look in her eyes as she’s telling me her story, I believe her. Maybe she’s inflated her grievances as they relate to security and hotel management but I still believe she deserves our assistance in every way.”

The paramedics arrive. As they are talking to her, she is overheard complaining that she had, in fact, been hit by a security van and wanted to press charges against the casino. She tells them that the staff refused her food or water and that she had been ignored for hours.

We don’t have a security van. And it wasn’t her birthday, either.

✶

In all of the back and forth in the #TalesfromHisShadowat16thStreet nonsense, I caught the following justification for the calling out of Filmer.

“Toxic behavior is called out so it’s amplified and people aren’t suffering alone when they choose to speak up instead of being “easy to work with.” Call outs happen as a result of dead ends. A result of communication failures over and over again.”

Like Helen, a woman who fell and wanted as much attention as she felt she deserved, the story of the company at 16th Street likely started as a simple desire to be given something more from a less than organized institution but as their demand for better organization, better communication, and easier to navigate organizational procedures were left unmet, the story became inflated. Let’s not pretend that this some sort of cry for empowerment. Let’s not pretend that this is somehow connected in any way with the longstanding legacy of racial inequality in this country. This is simply lying to get attention, exaggerating harm by using buzzwords, and hoping that solidarity will come via the internet.

Even the term toxic behavior is suspect. I find bullying someone via social media to be toxic but I’m not unloading on specific people or even naming them in this piece because I find that behavior TOXIC. See how that works, dipshits? Bullying someone, even when you think the cause for such behavior is justified, is horseshit and creates more discontent than restorative justice. Lying to exaggerate the harm, redefining what words you use to elevate that harm, all in order to get the attention so that you can get what you want makes you one of the dickheads in the equation.

No different than Helen. No different than Trump.

✶

I was thoroughly discouraged by the revelation that Helen had been grifting for attention, a comped meal, and the hope for a free night in the hotel. I felt used and betrayed by someone I didn’t know and will unlikely ever see again. There is a psychological reason for this sort of behavior:

“Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by constant attention-seeking, emotional overreaction, and seductive behavior. People with this condition tend to overdramatize situations, which may impair relationships and lead to depression. Yet they are highly suggestible, easily susceptible to the influence of others.”

This is humanity. This is now. Surrounded by histrionic personalities who now have a megaphone to the rest of the histrionic personalities. It’s a cold comfort that these raging attention-seekers represent a tiny portion of people out there because they are so loud but it is good to be reminded how few there are.

As much as I am disheartened by Helen’s lies and hyperbole, I refuse to allow her example to color my perception of others in need. Likewise, I’ll not allow the propaganda of the Woke or the Trump to draw me into a hopeless cynicism.

I will, on the other hand, be conscious of the hyperbole and conflation and recognize people so desperate for power or control or just a free room. Not distrusting but not naive, either.

#Casino Life #culture of hyperbolic propaganda #16th Street Theater #Chicago Theater #The Woke #Trump

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