#I just want to get gas and maybe some weed for the holidays

[rosicheeks]

All I want for Christmas is you (to send me $20,000)

[visible-buttholegirl]

lil 2024 fantasy

alrighty just had this cute lil thought that made me smile (yes this is about my own life but its my tumblr!!)...

its mid-summer 2024, my city is filled with outdoor activities, street festivals, holiday celebrations, etc, and i'm trying to enjoy as much of it as i can! i've also been working on my fitness goals and it was paying off and i felt comfy showing it off, and i still have the car that i bought last year, and i've gotten better at driving. lastly, and most gayly, i have been able to find a partner, a cute boy who shares my dry sarcastic humor, my love of indian food, and my love of summer/the outdoors. i have been going on camping trips since i was a little kid, and now that i have a car of my own, i wanted to exercise my new freedom to go on a lil camping trip up north with my partner :^)

we pack up the car, and head out on the long stretch of highway, singing along to our favorite songs and cracking stupid jokes the whole way there. we stop at some of the rural gas stations to pee and grab a drink or snack and try not to act TOO gay, only to laugh flamboyantly about the situation as soon as we exit the building. we pull into the small town where the campground is located, driving slowly down the winding main road and admiring all the people out and about, shopping and drinking outside, or the families swimming in the lake. we set up our camping site and decide to smoke a little weed in the woods before setting a fire up for cooking dinner. unfortunately both of us are gay idiots and we struggle a bit building the fire, but we eventually figure it out. at the end of the night we're laying in the trunk of my car, he's running his fingers through my hair and we're just gazing at the night sky, full of stars and constellations that we'd never be able to see back home.

the next day we'd go on hikes on the trails, lay on the beach and hopefully not burn, maybe go into town to do some bowling or get a nice dinner, then return to our campsite and maybe this time we'll ride our bikes around the grounds at night, and maybe smooch a little at the small secret beach.

i honestly ran out of steam all of a sudden but you get the picture, cute gay camping trip with a boy lol i feel i will be ready to road trip to a campsite by next summer, now i just need to make everything else happen, work on my health and fitness, secure a partner, and have a job that allows the schedule flexibility to do a trip like this. its ALL possible! anything is possible really. and i deserve it.

i deserve it!

[solarwonux]

Sangyeon x f!reader

W.C: 6.2k

Warnings: alcohol consumption, suggestive themes, arguing, mentions of cheating

For the 12 Months I Loved You Collab by: @sunlightwoo

Note: um...better late than never right?? This was supposed to go up in February but things happen. It’s one of my favorite ones that I’ve written, but I feel like I say that for every single thing I write lmao. I hope you like it plsssss let me know your thoughts. Thank you.xx

A long exasperated sigh left your lips at the sight of Sangyeon in the corner of the reception hall, chatting up a pretty redhead. His arm draped around their waist, clutching their body close to his, their faces close enough to smell the expensive champagne lingering in their breaths. A palm was placed on his chest as he leaned down to whisper something in their ear. Earning a flirtatious giggle from them, along with a sultry nod.

Their delicate fingers wrapped around his black tie as they pulled him close to whisper something against his plump lips. It was your cue to look away, but something inside of you—maybe the five flutes of champagne you had indulged in when the night was still young, prevented you from looking away.

Gripping the body of your sixth flute you prepared for what was to come, though when he smirked and unraveled their fingers from his tie, you let out a sigh of relief. Sangyeon still hasn’t broken rule number three of your friends with benefits arrangement.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstance you are to hook up with other people.

Though when he ran his fingers down the side of their arm teasingly making them shiver at the feather-like feeling. One you had relished in for many nights on end, you knew he would not only be breaking rule number three but rule number four as well.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstances you are to hook up with other people, especially when the other party is in the same room.

The anger flourished inside of you like an unwelcome weed. And you knew green was definitely not your color, but you couldn’t help but feel the jealousy take over, running along your veins like bitter poison. Your grip on your champagne flute got tighter. So much so that if you were destined with superhuman strength you would’ve shattered it into pieces, especially when his knowing eyes met yours. A glint of something sinister sparking behind them while his fingers laced with those of the red head.

He turned away before giving them a shy whisper and then tugged them gently towards the door of the reception hall. Leaving you behind in the middle of his best friend’s wedding reception, on your sixth flute of champagne, while you broke rule number six.

Don’t catch feelings for the other party involved.

To be fair when you and Sangyeon had agreed to the terms and conditions of your new no strings attached relationship. You were positive, even overly confident that you weren’t going to be the one to fall for your brother's asshole friend.

You had known him for years, grew up with him. He always made it his mission to make your life a living hell. Whether it was purple food coloring in your hair conditioner back in middle school (you had an odd mixture of purple and red that had somehow turned a nasty shade of burgundy in your hair for almost a year as you grew it out enough to cut off the damage,) or calling you ugly while simultaneously including all the the synonyms. He had made your life a living hell, he had been the reason for your tears whenever your insecurities took over. And he had been the reason for your newfound jealousy now as you sat on your couch a week after your brother's wedding still replaying the scene back in your head like a bad old timely movie.

It had started when two of you got drunk on Christmas Eve, laughing boisterously at your nonexistent love life’s.

“Who knew the reason we would be bonding is because we haven’t gotten laid in months.” He said, throwing his head back, gulping the remnants of his beer.

”For your information, I got laid last week. But I’m not bringing my one night stand to meet my family.” You rolled your eyes, bumping your shoulder against his.

He sets the beer bottle to his side, before leaning his elbows on his knees and gazing over at you. “How many people asked you where your date was tonight?”

“Too many.” You sigh, running your finger along the condensation of your own beer bottle. The memories of yours and Sangyeon’s family coming up to you asking you the million dollar question still prevalent in your mind. “You?”

“Not as many as I expected but still a lot. I just wish maybe they can back off.” He leaned back, placing his elbows behind him. He tore his eyes from your form and focused them on the night sky. “Maybe I should’ve hired a date or something.” He comments.

Your family's holiday party was still bustling behind the front door of your childhood home. Yet, the thought of ever going back in, earning judgmental looks from your single aunts was keeping you away.

He was right, maybe you should’ve hired someone as a date for the night.

Sangyeon bumped his knee against yours gently, “Want to date for the holiday’s?” The question came off as a joke, his sweet and gentle laugh following it. But as you sat there contemplating the idea, you realized that it wasn’t as bad. He was practically family. Your parents and his parents had been trying for years to set the two of you up. If you were to show up on New Year’s with your arm looped in his, no one would bat an eyelash. In fact you were willing to bet money that your mom and his would start crying pure tears of joy.

“Why not?” You shrug, “Our parents have been planning our wedding since we were kids, and as much as we don’t like each other. In some twisted sense of the word I do trust you.” Sangyeon did a double take, sitting up straighter and leaning in just enough to be in your line of sight.

“Are you sure?” Concern washed over his features. His bottom lip found its way in between his teeth as he waited for your response. “Like, you want to date me for the holiday’s?” He asked pleading for reassurance. Despite the relationship between the two of you not making sense to anyone outside your friendship circle, the level of trust and respect for each other’s boundaries was evident. You two pushed each other, got under each other’s skin, but you also knew when to stop. Which is why this plan was perfect. Foolproof.

“Yes.”

And somehow the two of you agreed that from then until further notice you would be each other’s dates for every holiday in the near future. Yet, if you had known the outcome of it you wouldn’t have agreed, especially not when the thin threshold had been crossed on your birthday.

He had showed up with a cheap bottle of vodka, all the romantic comedies he could find at the gas station and a boyish smile. His lips were on yours after five shots of the drinking game you had invented and you were naked underneath him after seven.

“I’m just saying, adding sex into the mix wouldn’t be such a bad idea.” He proposed with a shrug during a very awkward hang over filled coffee talk at the rundown cafe the next day. “We can even add some rules so it wouldn’t be so weird.”

“Adding rules is the weird part, Sangyeon.” You rolled your eyes before taking a sip of your herbal green tea and then cringing at the taste. “But they would help...you know to keep things from getting messy.”

“Then it’s settled.” He smiled widely grabbing the kids menu you had ordered from and a red crayon, scribbling down messily in his almost indescifrable handwriting:

Holi-date No Strings Attached Rule Book

Can I come over tonight.xx

Your eyes roll to the back of your head in annoyance, upon reading the text from Sangyeon. Of course, he hadn’t contacted you for over a week and the only time he decides to do so is when he’s in need of a good fuck. You throw your phone down on the table, resting your forehead against it. An annoyed sound falling out of your lips.

“Hello there negative nancy,” Kevin says, slipping into the seat in front of you. “I got you your favorite.” He sings, placing the iced matcha green tea latte in front of you and flicking the top of your head to get your attention.

You whine, lifting your head up a pout evident on your lips as you break the seal of the plastic lid with your paper straw. A poor attempt to reduce the consumption of plastic. Changing the straw wouldn’t do anything for the Earth when your whole cup is made out of non-biodegradable plastic. Maybe it’s the effort and the thought that counts, either way you take a sip from your drink, savoring the taste as it coats your tastebuds. Letting the false promise of a full six hour surge of energy run down your throat.

“Thank you for buying today.” You nod.

“It’s the least I can do for helping me with the web design project.” He smiles an award winning smile before bringing his hot mug of black coffee up to his lips. Hissing from the heat and cringing at the taste. Just like how he couldn't phantom how you liked the vibrant green liquid, you couldn’t understand how he drank five cups of black coffee daily. Indeed, he was not human, you concluded that a couple years ago.

You shrug, wrapping your fingers around the cup, “I had time to spare, but don’t get too comfortable with my help. It’s rare that I finish my work early.” You point an accusatory finger at him, furrowing your eyebrows before breaking into a wide smile.

“Ehh,” Kevin shrugs, “we’ll see about that when you’re begging me to buy you one of those nasty vomit colored drinks in a week.” He finishes sending you a wink that usually has all the girls and guys weak in the knees. You on the other hand have been so accustomed to his flirty ways after years of working side by side that it did nothing to you but annoy you slightly, yet in some odd way it comforted you.

Since day one everything between you and Kevin was comfortable and easy. He sat next to you in your digital marketing class Sophomore year of college and the two of you had been inseparable ever since. For a while you harbored a fat silent crush on him, his flirting being a point of confusion for you back then. It wasn’t until you experienced first hand what dating Kevin would be like that your crush dissipated into nothing but a platonic kind of love.

It was awful, the two of you had only gone on two dates. Two very disastrous and nightmare inducing dates, that sent shivers up both of your spines when just the mere thought of it entered the front lobe of your brains. It was then, while attempting to wash out a red wine stain out of your white dress in his and Jacob’s kitchen that you both agreed to just being friends. Eventually leading up to being coworkers as well.

It was a shame, you could always see yourself possibly loving Kevin and it would be easy too. And as much as you’d like to imagine it sometimes, he wouldn’t be able to give you what you wanted and vice versa.

“How’s the boyfriend, trouble in paradise yet?” He raises his eyebrow at you, hitting your calf lightly with the tip of his dress shoe.

You groan, running a hand through your hair, “Sangyeon is not my boyfriend, we just hang out sometimes.”

You quirks an eyebrow, smirking, “That’s what I said about Jacob and I, and look at us now.” He raises his left hand wiggling his ring ringer, letting the gold band catch the light of the setting sun. “Till death do us apart or something like that.” He shrugs, taking another sip from his coffee.

“Yeah but you two are perfect for each other, Sangyeon and I are like water and oil we don’t mix unless, well...you know.”

“Unless the two of you are fucking? Yes I am aware, the horror of me walking in on the two of you last month still keeps me up at night.” He shudders, pushing his half empty mug away from him. A disgusted look on his face.

“Ugh,” you put your head in your hands in utter despair, “I thought we agreed to forget about that and move on.”

“Fine I won’t bring it up again,” He rolls his eyes and sits back, crossing his arms in front of him. “But I know there’s trouble in paradise, does it have to do with what happened at the reception?”

You stare at him with wide eyes. It wasn’t just the events that took place at the reception. It was everything before the reception, during the reception and after the reception. You swore to yourself and him the morning after the two of you first accidentally slept together that you would never fall for him. But as it turns out, you had fallen for him long before that, a moment lost in time. A moment you couldn’t pinpoint but you just knew that what you felt for him was more than platonic. It sucked.

“Maybe,” you shrug, stirring the contents of your drink with your paper straw, distracting you and avoiding Kevin’s look of concern. “Honestly, I’m not sure. He’s just so frustrating. We agreed to have rules to make this whole fucked up situation less of a mess, but he broke two of those rules that night, purposely. I could tell that he was enjoying it.” You let out a defeated sigh and push your drink out of the way, bringing your arms to rest on top of the table, crossing them and hiding your face in them. You couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion you were feeling, but you just knew it was bad from the way your throat closed up and the tears that were brimming in the corner of your eyes.

Kevin hummed and leaned forward onto the table, ruffling your hair in the process. “And what rule have you broken?” He whispers.

“The one in which I wasn’t supposed to fall for him.” You lift your head, digging your palms into your eyes forcefully. “I didn’t want to, I still don’t want to, but I can’t stop. It’s like he’s casted some kind of love spell on me. Maybe it’s part of his evil plan to destroy me once and for all.” You sigh, grabbing your phone and turning it over. The text sitting there unread, haunting you.

“Don’t answer it.” Kevin covers your screen with his hand. The sadness he held for you is evident behind his soft eyes. “I know you want to but don’t answer it. It’s only going to make you feel worse and frankly I still hate seeing you cry.”

He’s right. Answering him would only make you feel smaller than you already do. You didn’t want to see him, but you longed to have him hold you even if it meant nothing to him. You push Kevin’s hand away, swiping your thumb over the text, hitting reply. You know you should listen to your best friend, but there’s a reason why the two of you would’ve never made it far in a romantic relationship.

You were stubborn and never listened.

8pm, don’t be late. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Kevin sighs, shaking his head in disappointment, falling back in his chair, scoffing. “Last time, tonight will be the last time and then we break it off.” You say, avoiding his eyes.

“That’s exactly what I said and I ended up having a shotgun wedding.”

Can’t wait, miss you.xx

“My job’s having an event for Valentine’s Day.” Sangyeon broke the silence, his chest still rising rapidly, matching yours. As you came down from your highs.

The second he had walked in through your front door he was pinning you against your poor excuse of a dining room table, without a proper greeting. He barely gave you a second to think before he was peeling your clothes off in a haste and carrying you off to your room.

“And you want me to go with you?” You turn your head to face him. He was laying down on his side, his head resting on his arm, watching you cautiously.

“Mhm,” He puts his arm around your waist and pulls you close. “I need a plus one, I have this annoying coworker that doesn’t leave me alone. I figured if I brought you along they would back off.”

“So I’m not just your date, but also your cockblock?” You tilt your head to the side, raising your eyebrow. “What happens when they find out we aren’t actually dating?” You poke his chest with your index finger. It was smooth and muscular and decorated with the beautiful marks you left behind a few minutes ago.

“They won’t.” He smiled leaving a light kiss against your neck, trailing his lips up and sucking on the spot he knew would have you moaning in seconds. “What do you say?” He bites your earlobe, pulling it before sitting up again.

You sigh and bring your sheets up to your body, sitting up. “I can't, I have plans already.” You lie hugging your knees up to your chest. You wanted to go, pretend once more that you and Sangyeon were more than holiday dates and fuck buddies. But you couldn’t put yourself through that anymore. You were getting used to being by his side, living out a fantasy in your head. When all he wanted was a quick fuck and an easy pass.

“I have a date, Kevin and Jacob’s friend.” You shrug, closing your eyes, mentally apologizing to the couple for dragging them into your problem’s once again. “We’re going out to dinner.” You finish, opening your eyes and looking over at Sangyeon who laid there, messy hair decorating his pillows, stunned. You knew what he was thinking and you were just waiting for him to say it. To get it over with so he’d leave as fast he came in.

He chewed on his bottom lip and then scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Oh, what about rule number seven or whatever.” He quickly got up from your bed, letting the sheets covering his lower half fall down to your carpeted floor.

As common courtesy for the other party, under absolutely no circumstances you are to date other people, until officially calling the deal off.

“Well, I don’t know. I like him. We’ve been talking for a while now and he’s sweet. He likes me.” You shrug, watching as he walks around your room looking for his discarded clothes. “And I haven’t broken the rule, yet. I was hoping we could talk about it and just call this whole thing off once and for all.”

“No but you broke rule number one or something.” He puts on his boxers fast and digs through your scattered clothes on your floor for the rest of his clothes.

You sat there silently watching him, running through your memory files as you recalled the rules and what rule number one consisted of which had nothing to do with what you had done. Or lied about doing.

As common courtesy for the other party, always use protection.

“That’s not what rule number one is, it’s -”

“Whatever, you broke a rule before calling it quits, you were basically cheating on me.” He yells, leaving his white washed jeans unbuttoned as he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. You were floored, witnessing an angry Sangyeon wasn’t rare for you. In fact, growing up you had been the product of many of his angry outbursts while inducing your revenge, but it was never serious. This was different. This felt different. This was serious, he was accusing you of something you didn’t do. He was accusing you of doing the one thing you saw him do at your brother’s wedding reception. It made your blood boil.

“That’s fucking rich coming from you, when you cheated on me first, but I never brought it up because although you fucking did break a rule. We are not together so who am I to get angry at you?” You threw your hands up in the hair, before pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Who are you to get angry with me?”

“And they were a good fucking lay, much better than you in every single aspect.” He spits out, angrily putting on his shirt. His words hurt. He was hitting you where it hurts the most and he wasn’t even aware of it. You held his gaze, refusing to break down in front of him.

“Why not ask them instead, why didn’t you go to them tonight instead of coming here?”

He shrugs, looking around your room, focusing on the polaroid pictures you kept on your mirror. Anything was better than looking at you, and the tears pooling in yours in which he undoubtedly was the cause of. But he was hurt too, you let him come over, you let him in and he had given you everything. Poured out his unwarranted feelings into every kiss he left on your body and every pattern he painted onto your skin with his delicate fingertips, just like he always did whenever the two of you got together. He knew he had broken rule number six a long time ago. Back when the two of you were still in high school, when the rules didn’t exist and his crush on you was nothing compared to what he felt for you now. But he was scared of telling you, and it had gotten him nowhere.

His heart still broke just like he feared, and even worse he had broken yours too.

“Maybe I should, this was a mistake. Being with you in the first place was a mistake and I knew it was going to bite me in the ass one day.”

“Get out, I never want to see you again.”

“With pleasure.” Sangyeon turns around and walks out the door. It wasn’t until you heard your front door slam shut that you finally let yourself cry.

You should’ve listened to Kevin.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Jacob pulls his scarf around his neck. Though, it was February it had snowed last night. The winter clothes that you had slowly started putting away, swiftly made their comeback when you woke up shivering that morning.

You shake your head, stuffing the heart shaped cake you had made for both him and Kevin the day before. Be mine inscribed in sparkly purple store bought icing as per request from Jacob, “It’s Valentine’s Day, you should spend it alone together.” You raise your eyebrows suggestively at the two men in front of you.

Kevin leans forward, one hand on his waist while the other one moves up and flicks your forehead, “get that pretty head of yours out of the gutter, Jacob and I are gonna romantically eat our weight in this beautiful cake you’ve made us, while watching the Bring it On series.”

“I’m trying to get him to realize why the third one is the best.” Jacob says pointedly, bumping his shoulder against his husbands. “Solange Knowles steals the show, but he doesn’t want to admit it.”

Kevin scoffs and turns to face him, “I love you and I love your love for the Knowles family but face it babe the best Bring it On movie is the first one, it sets the precedent for all the other movies.” He finishes painting the picture out with his hands in the air before kissing the others cheek.

You shake your head, silently giving Jacob a knowing look. Of course the third Bring it On was the best one, but you won’t ever say that out loud. At least not with Kevin present, he won’t ever let you live it down. Will go on and on about how both you and Jacob were wrong until he was repeating himself.

“It sounds tempting but I’m going to pass, I have my own date with my couch and heart shaped pizza and -”

“Your vibrator.” Kevin interrupts, raising his eyebrows, smiling smugly at you. The embarrassment taking over your body and rising out of your ears. Jacob rolled his eyes, hitting his husband’s upside the head, and a warning look. Kevin pouted, “What? I’m not wrong, that's what she does every Valentine’s day, I’m just stating the truth.” He complains rubbing the back of his head.

“We’re going to go now.” Jacob places both of his arms on top of Kevin’s shoulders, mouthing a sorry in the process. You brush him off, “the offer still stands, if you get bored you can join us.” He opens the door and pushes his husband through the door frame.

“I’m good, have fun and no Kevin you can’t sleep on my couch after Jacob’s kicked you out again.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, last time, I walked in on you and San -”

Jacob covers his mouth with wide eyes as he continues to push him out of your front door, Kevin shrinks at the realization that he almost slipped. It had been three weeks since you last met him, since he last reached out to you. The only thing you knew of him was that your mom had called you to tell you that he had finally gotten the promotion he had been desiring for almost a year. Doting over him like she always did. It had gotten worse when the two of you showed up hand in hand at New Year’s last year. You were proud of him. You wanted to hug him and celebrate his achievement in every which way you could. But you meant it when you told him that you didn’t want to see him again. You couldn’t trust yourself or your heart when it came to him.

“We love you, call us if you need anything.” Jacob said, sending you a kiss and shutting your front door. You smiled, listening to their bickering out in the hallway, standing there until they were far away and you couldn’t hear them anymore. They were characters, the two of them and even worse when they were together. It was why they were so perfect for one another, they completed one another in every sense of the word and it made you insanely happy, but also sad.

Sometimes you wished, whenever you were alone at night and staring up at your popcorn ceiling that you could have what they had with someone that loved you to the point in which they couldn’t live without you.

It will come, at least that what you told yourself whenever the tears stopped. You just had to be patient.

You were halfway through an episode of the Vampire Diaries, and your fourth slice of pizza when the knocking on your front door sounded. You rolled your eyes, quickly pausing your show and setting down your half eaten pizza slice in the box, before standing up. You obviously weren’t expecting anyone but you figured it was Kevin after getting kicked out again. It was never serious, this game both he and Jacob played. It was some form of twisted foreplay thing they did to keep things interesting. They had explained it to you once when you shared your concern for their relationship. Sometimes you wished you hadn’t asked. You could’ve gone living your life peacefully without knowing the details of their sex life.

“I’m going!” The knocking became more desperate the closer you got to the door, and it confused you. Maybe this wasn’t part of their roleplay fantasies and something had actually happened. It worried you. You could feel it all over your body as you grabbed hold of your doorknob. “Kevin is something wro-” You stopped mid sentence when you swung your door wide open revealing a very drunk and disheveled Sangyeon.

You brought your hand up to your chest, holding onto the necklace his family had given you back in highschool as a graduation present. You never took it off, it brought a sense of comfort whenever you were caught in situations that had your anxiety spiraling out of control. Situations similar to this one.

“What are you doing here?” You step aside to give him room to enter, inviting him in without a shadow of a doubt. You shouldn’t have done that, but the part of you that will always care for him was stronger than the part of you that wanted nothing to do with him.

“We agreed to be together every single holiday season and it’s Valentine’s Day.” He say, his voice slurring slightly at the end, evident that he had consumed more alcohol than what he could handle. “I can’t leave you alone on Valentine’s Day.” He finishes, his voice turning small at the end. He ran a shaking hand through his hair causing it to stand up in different directions as he paced through your living room.

You pressed your hands up to your cheeks, letting the coldness of your palms relieve the heat that had suddenly overtaken your body. “B-But we broke things off, we don’t have to do this anymore.” You drop your hands down and point at him and then at yourself, swallowing the lump that was forming in the back of your throat. “Don’t you have an event at work? What are you doing here?”

Sangyeon looks down, taking his lips in between his teeth, “I didn’t go.” He whispers before raising his head, his eyes welling up with tears as he stuffed his trembling hands into the pocket of his white washed jeans. You swore he didn’t own another pair. “I couldn’t go without you. I-I want to spend Valentine’s Day with you and the rest of upcoming holidays...But I also want to take you out on dates and binge watch shows with you and make love to you and hold you while you sleep. I want to wake up with you in my arms, and kiss you while you’re complaining about morning breath and make you breakfast.” He takes a shuddering deep breath before sitting down on the armrest of your couch, digging his thumb into the palm of his hands. “I just want to be with you forever.” He says, clearing his throat before letting the few tears he had been keeping fall.

“Sangyeon I-” You looked around your living room frantically. Your heart was beating out of your chest. The words that had fallen out of Sanyeon’s lips with ease were the last thing you had expected to ever hear him say. It was everything you had longed to hear him say for almost a year now and you didn’t know how to react. Should you tell him to leave to give you some space to take everything in? Or should you run up to him and kiss with all the love and passion you harbored for him? You were caught at the crossroads. was overwhelming.

Sangyeon scoffed, shaking his head before raising it again, turning his head to focus on your tv, avoiding your eyes. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t feel the same way, I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids and I don’t know when you told me that you were seeing someone. I was so angry at myself for never being able to just confess and hurt that I had been too late.”

The air in your lungs caught itself in the back of your throat. You walked towards him quickly crouching down in front of him, taking his hands in yours. “Sangyeon look at me.” You swallowed, placing two of your fingers underneath his chin and guiding his head to face you, finally locking eyes with you. You felt so weak and full of energy, ready to kiss him until the two of you died from lack of air and you wanted to laugh. “We’re so stupid Sangyeon. This entire time I thought you only wanted me for sex while I slowly fell for you and now you’re telling me that you had the hots for me since we were kids...wow.” You smile, swiping your thumb underneath his eyelids wiping away his falling tears. “I’ve loved for a long time. I don’t know when I started to love you. Just that when I realized it I couldn’t stop.”

“‘I’m sorry.” He hiccups, his fingers wrapping around your wrist. “I’m sorry for what I did at your brother’s reception, but I swear on my grave that nothing happened between us. They were drunk so I called them an uber and walked them to their ride when it arrived.” He confesses, leaning down and circling his arms around your waist, guiding you to stand up.

He rests his forehead against your stomach sighing. “There’s never been anyone else for me other than you. You make me feel so stupid and frustrated sometimes. I know I shouldn’t have said the things I did that night, like you said I had no right to bud into your love life and being angry is no excuse but I was scared of losing you.” He looks up, his bright eyes pleading. “I’m still scared of losing you.”

You sniffle, bringing your hand up to his head, letting your fingers thread through his already messy hair, “I’m sorry too for lying. Clearly I had no plans.” You laugh lightly, pointing around your living room. “I had somehow convinced myself that lying about seeing someone else would be an easier way to end things, but it hurt so much seeing you leave knowing that there was a possibility I would never see you again.”

Sangyeon laughs, his shoulders shaking gently before he leaves a chaste kiss against your clothed stomach. “Honestly, that would be impossible, we’ve been practically married since the minute we entered this world.” He stands up, towering a couple inches over you, “If I hadn’t come tonight our moms would have forced us to talk sooner or later, I just got a little too drunk and beat them to it.” He presses a kiss against your head before pulling you into a tight hug, sighing happily. “I never want to be without you.”

You nod against his chest, “Will you remember this tomorrow?” It was a thought that had been running through your mind since his confession hit you full force knocking the wind out of your body. Though the few times you had a drunk Sangyeon in your presence he remembered every single tiny detail the next day. This was just your fear taking full charge at the thought of him waking up next to you confused, and walking out again.

He hummed, smoothing his hands down your back. “I’ll write everything that happened down and in detail. I’ll even describe the look on your face when I told you that I loved you. Which by the way have I told you that I love you...a lot.” He teased, leaning back and wiggling his brows.

You leave a light kiss on his chin before pulling away, unraveling his arms from your body. “I love you too.” You walked around him and sat on the couch picking up the remote. “Want to join me?” You tilt your head, your thumb hovering over the play button.

Sangyeon pouts slightly, copying your movements and sitting down next to you. “I haven’t asked you to be my official girlfriend yet.”

“Ask me in the morning, I want you to ask me when you’re sober.” You smile, kissing his lips lightly and wrapping your arm around his waist, leaning your head against his chest.

He makes a sound of approval, placing his arm around your shoulder, “Okay but I have another confession before you press play.”

“What is it?” You press your cheek against his chest before looking up at him confused.

“I already watched this episode, Elena and Damon get into a fight.”

“Don’t they always.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to watch it again.”

You shrug and press play, “Unfortunately, you have infiltrated my Valentine’s Day plans so you’re stuck watching.”

“I did it in the name of love.” He groans, shifting and pulling one of your legs over his lap, holding you closer, as the snarky remarks between the two characters start, sounding loudly through the speakers he had helped install when you first moved into your place three years ago. He almost told you he loved you that day, but then you had put an ice cube down his back and his mind instantly started thinking of ways to get his revenge. His confession hiding away again.

But now it was out in the open and finally he could love you the way he knew he could. The way you deserved.

“And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Similarities

Switch AU

A JSE Fanfic

Y’know I realize there hasn’t been that much advancement of the plot in this AU as of late. Sorry bout that. But hey, no story is all action all the time. And we get character development! In this, Jackie stays over with JJ and Marvin, and talks with the latter about some...experiences. Emotions are involved. Two characters grow closer. Stuff like that. It was nice to write, so I hope you guys enjoy :)

More of this AU found here

“And then! And then Kristy gave me this bracelet. She gave one to all the girls in class, I mean, but look at it! It’s my favorite colors!” Michelle shook her wrist, causing her new red-and-yellow beaded bracelet to spin wildly around it. “And I’m the only one who got the star charms!”

Jackie smiled, leaning down to ruffle Michelle’s hair. “Sounds like a fun last day of school.”

“It was! And now we’re on holiday, and that’s always great!” Michelle flopped down onto her back, now laying on the living room floor, and looked up at her dad sitting on the sofa with wide eyes. “And about holidays, what did you get me for Christmas?”

“I can’t tell you that! It’ll ruin the surprise!”

“I’ll like it anyway.”

Jackie laughed. “That’s probably true, but the surprise makes it even better. Why, is there something you really want?”

“Don’t worry, I already wrote my letter,” Michelle said proudly. “I gave it to Ren.”

“Oh that’s great!” Jackie said. Rama showed him the letter earlier; Michelle had included a detailed list of toys she wanted Santa to bring. “Right, I forgot they told me they dropped it off at the mailbox. They also said your writing is looking really good.”

“They did?!” Michelle beamed. “That’s so cool.”

Before Jackie could continue, the alarm on his phone went off. He dug it out of his hoodie pocket and turned it off, sighing. “Well, looks like I have to go now.”

“Aww.” Michelle’s happy expression turned to a pout as they sat up. “Can’t you stay more? I never see you anymore.”

“Sorry, sweetie, Dad has to go to work,” Jackie said regretfully. “But I’m really glad I stopped by before I had to.”

“Stupid work,” Michelle grumbled. She held out her arms. “Hug?”

Jackie bent over and gave her a hug, squeezing tight as he lifted her off the ground and onto her feet. “I’ll see you again later.”

“Bye, Dad.” Michelle waved as Jackie grabbed his coat and walked over to the front door, heading out.

It was a bit after noon, the sky partly cloudy. Jackie had taken to picking up shorter afternoon and evening shifts at the hospital. He was fine with taking more, but his boss still insisted he didn’t work as much, after the...ordeal he went through a few months ago. Part of him wondered if she was trying to get him to quit or something, but he wasn’t going to do that any time soon, so it was a misguided strategy if that was the case.

Rama was outside, trying to do yard work in their small front garden. Jackie stopped for a moment, watching. They quickly noticed and stopped, standing up straight and turning around to ask, “Enjoying the view?”

“Hey, I-I didn’t—I wasn’t—” Jackie stammered, blushing a bit. “You’re wearing a coat. I was just thinking it looked a bit difficult, pulling up dead weeds in the—in the hard winter dirt—”

“I know, Jackieboy,” Rama chuckled. “Leaving so soon?”

“Yeah,” Jackie said regretfully. “I already said goodbye to Michelle.”

Rama hesitated, then slowly asked, “Have you...thought about moving back in...any time? In the near future, I mean.”

Jackie paused, thinking about it as he turned to look over the house. It was so familiar to him. It was his home—or at least, it had been, up until...everything happened. And just being inside put him on edge. “You know...it’s not just that it’s ours, i-it’s any place that...sort of looks like the place where...” He trailed off. After all this time, he still hadn’t told Rama anything about Distorter. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t a good idea to keep secrets from your spouse. But just...something like that...it seemed like the more people knew about Distorter, the more they were pulled into this situation. They’d already lost Michelle for a bit, he couldn’t bear if...

“I understand,” Rama nodded. “But...we miss you. Even though you visit so often.”

“I know, I miss you too.” Jackie thought about it. “I—I still get pretty anxious, but I’m working on it. With Lisa.” That was his therapist. “Maybe sooner rather than later?”

Rama went silent, then clapped their hands once. “Okay. We’ll buy an apartment.”

“Wh-what?!” Jackie gasped. “Ramram, you can’t do that! It’s expensive, and we’re putting most of your book money towards Michelle’s education—Not to mention it’ll be a whole change, the move might be hard on Mich, especially if it’s too far away from the school and she has to transfer. And we’re in the suburbs because of the quiet for your writing—No, i-it won’t work out, I can’t make you two do that.”

After a moment, Rama slowly nodded. “If you’re sure. Take care of yourself, mi corazón. Do what’s best for you.”

Jackie walked over and gave Rama a quick squeeze of the hand. “I will. You do the same.”

They leaned close and kissed him on the cheek. “Have a good time at work.”

“Thanks. I mean, I’ll try. I’ll see you guys later.”

And with that, he headed over to his car and got inside. Before driving off, he waved at the house one more time. Rama waved back, standing in the yard, and Michelle did, too, watching from the front window. He kept looking at them as he pulled away.

——————— 

That evening, Jackie was driving back from work, tired after a long day, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Who could be texting him now? Rama, maybe? Did they want to continue the conversation they had before he went to the hospital? Or maybe it was similarly important. Curious, Jackie pulled over to the side of the road and parked, taking his phone out to check it really quick.

The message was from JJ. Hey Jackie. Sorry, but it’s happened again.

Jackie knew what that meant. He unlocked the phone and replied, Marvin? Whats the problem this time? Symptoms?

Fever again. Sometimes coughing, no sneezing. I thought it was just a cold, but I think it’s getting bad.

Bad? Jackie asked, already worried.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. Thinking about that time he had to stay in the hospital last year. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. Can you pop over?

Jackie didn’t hesitate. Of course. I’ll be right there. But first, how long has he been sick?

JJ paused, probably thinking. Well it really only started the day before yesterday, but about a week ago he got a little sick. He was better by the next day, so I assumed that was it.

Yknow he mightve been pretending to be better?

If he was, I’m going to kill him, JJ immediately replied. 

Jackie let out a huff of laughter. Dont kill him before I get there. I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.

Got it. Thanks.

He put his phone back in his pocket and pulled back onto the road. He really hoped it wasn’t a repeat of what happened last year. That situation had been...worrying. Stressful, even. Because Marvin hadn’t had any official paperwork, they couldn’t get him to the hospital right away, not until Anti could forge some stuff. Poor Marvin had to suffer through a lot before they got everything together. Luckily, they’d gotten him up-to-date with paperwork and vaccines since then, but even so, winter seemed to especially affect his health.

It was unlikely that this would be a similar situation, but just in case, Jackie stepped on the gas.

———————

He arrived at Marvin and Jameson’s house nine minutes later and hurried up to the front door, where he knocked and waited. Almost immediately the door swung open to show Jameson inside. So glad you could make it, he signed. I hope I didn’t message you at an inconvenient time.

“Huh? No, it was fine, I was heading back home, anyway.” Jackie stepped inside, and JJ closed the door behind him. “Is he in his room?”

Unless he left in the last minute, JJ said.

That might actually be a possibility, given Marvin’s attitude towards being sick. Jackie hurried down the hall to his bedroom. The door was closed, so he slowly eased it open and poked his head in. “Marvin? It’s me.”

The lights were off, and the dark room was filled with the sound of an electric fan whirring. Something moved on the bed—probably Marvin rolling over. “Y’got t’be more specific. ‘Me’ coul’ be anyone,” he mumbled.

“It’s Jackie.” As he said this, Jackie reached over and flipped on the light switch, so Marvin could see him as well as hear.

“Ah!” Marvin squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden brightness. “Jackie? Huh. Come for a visit..? No, wait...y’here for somet’ing?”

“Yeah, I’m just uh...stopping by for a bit.” Jackie took a step into the room, JJ following shortly behind, and walked over to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“‘M fine. Jus’ grand.” Obviously, this was not the case. Marvin was sweating enough to make his hair damp, and his skin had a sickly pallor. But despite how hot he seemed, he was shivering, and had the comforter on the bed pulled up. Mr. Fluffington was sitting next to the pillow, purring furiously. Marvin reached over and petted him for a moment before flinging his arm over his face and covering his eyes. “Ev’ryt’ing’s Jake.”

“Yeah. Um...clearly not.” Jackie looked over at JJ. “Can you go get the—”

Already anticipating what he was going to ask for, JJ walked over to the nearest chair and picked up their first aid kit, coming back over to hand it to Jackie.

“Oh. Thanks.” Jackie took it and started rummaging about inside. “Marv, I’m going to take your temperature, do you mind?”

“A-ha. So it’s a fuckin’...fucking’ check-up I get it...” Marvin trailed off into mumbling under his breath, but didn’t protest as Jackie pulled out the thermometer and took his temperature. After it was done, he rolled over onto his side, practically burying his face in Fluffington’s fur.

Jackie looked down at the thermometer and frowned. 39.2 C...that wasn’t good. Wasn’t good at all. “Marvin? How do you really feel? Like...on the fatigue scale, where would you be?”

Marvin looked back over at him, head rolling lazily. “Hmm...se-seven? Seven and a half?”

“You have a really high fever. Is there anything else, like a headache or something?”

“Well...” Marvin paused to think. His eyes were a bit glazed. “T’ere’s a tickle in my throat. Won’ go ‘way. My nose is all stuffy. Felt a bit sick...sick like...the stomach issues sick. Couldn’ eat anyt’ing ‘cause...bad.”

Jackie glanced over at JJ, hovering nearby. I can second that, JJ said. He didn’t have dinner.

“Alright. It’s probably just a cold,” Jackie said. Yet a note of uncertainty remained in his voice. “A bad one, but you’ll probably be fine.”

So what do we do then? JJ asked.

Jackie hesitated. “Well...” His instincts were telling him not to take any risks, to stay and make sure everything stayed fine. “Given past experiences, is it okay if I spend the night? Just to keep an eye on things.”

“Wha...?” With a fair amount of effort, Marvin sat up. “No, don’ stay over, you’re...you’re prob’ly all busy. Ye jus’ said it was alrigh’.”

“Alright...for now,” Jackie said darkly. “Right now you’re on the edge of ‘a bad cold’ and ‘a serious issue.’ Things could easily get worse in the night, but by tomorrow, it’ll be clear if this is the worst it’ll get or...if there’s more.”

JJ’s expression was filled with anxiety. Is there anything I can do to help?

“Yeah. Get him to take his shirt off.”

Marvin snorted. “Whoa, Jackie, you know Jems and I aren’...aren’ a pair. Not t’at type of pair.”

Jackie rolled his eyes. “Seriously, you need to change your shirt. I know your feelings on short sleeves, but this is making your fever worse.” He turned back to JJ. “Anyway, you know what else. Ibuprofen, water, all that. You already got the fan on, that’s good.”

JJ nodded seriously. Got it. You really want to stay over?

“Well...better safe than sorry, you know? If it starts to go bad, I can recognize it, and we can get him to the hospital really quickly. Is...is it okay?”

Of course it is! You can stay whenever, but especially in this situation. You’re the doctor, after all. JJ smiled gently.

Marvin groaned. “Fffffine, Jackie can stay.”

Jackie smiled a bit at Marvin’s acceptance. But really, him not protesting more was a sign of how bad he felt. At this point, he probably recognized that he needed help, and it wasn’t worth the struggle. “Great. I’ll just have to call Schneep and tell him what’s going on, so he doesn’t get worried when I don’t show up at the flat. But right now, where do you keep the Ibuprofen?”

———————

Marvin and Jameson’s town house didn’t have a guest bedroom, so Jackie had to set up in the living room. Luckily, they did have lots of spare pillows and blankets. But Jackie wasn’t going to sleep right away. He was staying over to keep an eye on things, so that’s what he did. First, by making sure Marvin actually changed clothes into something cooler and more lightweight. Then, by teaming up with JJ to make sure Marvin actually ate dinner. He still didn’t have much of an appetite, but between the two of them, they convinced him that he needed the energy. Oh, and water. He needed lots of water.

In the meantime, Jackie watched some YouTube videos on his phone to pass the time. JJ offered to lend him a book, but Jackie turned him down. He wasn’t in the mood to read, and besides, it would probably take him days to finish with his new work schedule. Every so often, he got up and went into Marvin’s bedroom to check on him. Maybe too often. Marvin quickly got annoyed, though he didn’t have the energy to snap at him.

“Hey, do you need anything?” Jackie asked on perhaps his fifth check-in.

“I need...t’not be so hot,” Marvin replied, a faint note of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you feel worse?” Jackie asked. “Maybe you need to take off the blanket?”

“No.” Marvin briefly buried his face in the pillow before realizing that he couldn’t breathe like that, not while his nose was all congested. “‘f I take off the...the blanket, then ‘m too cold.”

“Ah. Well, maybe a thinner one, then? Here, lemme take your temperature again.”

Marvin didn’t say anything, just allowed the temperature-taking and the blanket-switching. Then he rolled over and closed his eyes, presumably falling asleep immediately.

JJ bounced between being on his computer, being upstairs in his magic workroom, and checking up on and bringing things to Marvin. He constantly seemed distracted, unable to commit to one course of action. Jackie couldn’t blame him. His best friend was sick, and there was a distinct possibility that he could get worse and would need to go to the hospital. Anyone would wander around, unsure what to do.

One time, JJ came into the living room with his laptop and sat down, writing. “What’re you doing?” Jackie asked.

JJ looked up. Work stuff. A lot of emails, mostly.

“Ugh. Work emails.” Jackie shook his head. “Y’know half the time the emails I get aren’t even relevant to me. It’s like ‘Notice: thing in the operating room’ and I’m like ‘you do know I’m just a GP, right? And for kids, too, right?’ Like, I think I’ve been in the operating room twice.”

JJ chuckled weakly. It’s a bit different for me. I have to coordinate rehearsals and effect supplies, book venues, and generally manage and schedule a bunch of people.

“Really? What about your manager? What’s her name, uhhh...Darla? Doesn’t she do that stuff?”

Sort of. It’s like a joint effort. I’m technically in charge, though, so I at least have to approve everything.

Jackie shook his head. “I could never do that. Too much. How do you manage?”

I was a theatre kid, JJ said, shrugging with a half-smile on his face.

“Does having actual magic help?”

Not really, not with all the organizational stuff. If anything, it can make things more complicated, as I have to figure out a trick that I can use with real magic but cover up with tricks and effects. JJ sighed. I really need this to go well, Jackie. It’s the first show since my voice was damaged, it has to work out.

Jackie smiled at him. He leaned over from his position on the sofa and put a hand on JJ’s shoulder, which he could barely reach as JJ was sitting in a different chair. “You’ll do great. Your shows have always been fantastic, and the voice thing isn’t going to change that.”

JJ smiled a bit. Thanks, Jackie. Glad to know you think so.

“We all do. We belieeeeve in youuuu.”

JJ laughed a bit, and returned to his emails.

Eventually, night came. JJ wrapped up his work and reluctantly headed to bed, not wanting to leave Marvin alone and sick. But Jackie assured him that it would be fine. He would be staying up, and if Marvin wanted to talk to JJ specifically, he could go wake him up. Or Marvin could text him. Mostly reassured, Jameson went upstairs to sleep, leaving Jackie awake in the living room.

Jackie checked on Marvin a couple times more, but found him asleep. Exhausted from all the fatigue he was feeling. Good. If he slept well, he’d probably be better in the morning, and they could all relax when it turned out to be a terrible cold, and nothing more.

Watching YouTube videos eventually got boring, so Jackie decided to plug his phone in to charge and do something else for a bit. As it turned out, Mr. Fluffington was still awake as well. So Jackie found a laser pointer in a table drawer in the living room and played with him for a bit. Until, after a while, Fluffington got tired of the red dot, and even the cat went to bed.

Bored again, Jackie put the laser pointer back. He was considering JJ’s offer of lending a book to read, and was looking over the titles of the ones on the living room bookshelves, when he heard...something. Some sort of distant sound. He paused, going still as he listened.

For a while, nothing happened, and everything was silent. But then, he heard it again. A voice? Someone saying something? Maybe it wasn’t words, but instead just sounds...distressed sounds. After a few moments of listening, Jackie realized with a start that the voice was coming from down the hall. The direction of Marvin’s room.

Something must have been wrong. Immediately, Jackie unplugged his phone and pocketed it—just in case—and headed down the hall, half-running. He reached Marvin’s door soon, finding it closed. He didn’t hesitate to open it and step inside. “Marvin?! Is everything okay?”

The room was dark again, pitch black in the night. The fan was off. Strange, it was on last time Jackie was in here. Had Marvin woken up and turned it off? That didn’t matter. He could clearly hear Marvin, crying out and whimpering. Jackie flicked the light switch on and walked over. “Marvin? What’s wrong?”

Marvin didn’t answer, just kept mumbling and crying, sounding frantic. Then, Jackie noticed his eyes were closed. Ah. So he was asleep. Having a nightmare. And a bad one, by the looks of it. His blankets and even his shirt were all twisted around him, which only upset him more, as he seemed to be trying to fight against them. Jackie reached out and put a hand on his head, then immediately pulled it away. He was so hot, the fever burning him up. Jackie turned the fan on and checked the bedside nightstand for anything else. There was a half-empty glass of water and a damp cloth. That would work.

He picked up the damp cloth and tried to put it on Marvin’s head. But Marvin cried out and yanked his head away, shouting...something. Jackie couldn’t quite catch it, but he thought he heard ‘go away’ and ‘don’t want your help.’ “Marvin, it’s me. I-I want to—can you wake up? Wake up, it’s fine.” He reached out to try and untangle the blankets.

That turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Marvin started flailing wildly, tossing, turning, kicking, waving. The blankets restricted his movement, but it was still enough to make him roll off the opposite side of the bed. “Marvin!” Jackie leaned over the bed. “God damn it. I’ll get you, don’t worry.”

As he walked around to the other side, he stopped for a moment. The edge of the blankets were tucked into the gap between the mattress and the footboard. Jackie pulled them out, letting the blankets go free. That made them somewhat less restrictive, but it also meant that Marvin, still moving and struggling, ended up wrapping them loosely around his legs. Which...actually probably didn’t help in the long run. Well, too late now. Jackie knelt down on the ground next to Marvin. “Hey, calm down, it’s fine,” he said, trying to sound soothing as he went about untangling the blankets around him.

It took longer than he expected. Marvin kept wriggling and flailing, but still had his eyes firmly shut as he remained asleep. Jackie tried to wake him up, but to no avail. And he kept muttering the whole time, occasionally whimpering or crying out as if in pain. His words ran together, slurred by sleep-talking, but some distinct phrases popped up: “Get away!” “Don’t you dare...” “Leave me alone!” “...don’t want it.” “Don’t want you.” It hurt Jackie’s heart to hear. Was it the fever causing this nightmare? Or something more?

After a good few minutes, he freed the blankets, leaving them on the floor as he tried to pick up Marvin. Again, the struggling made this difficult. Marvin actively tried to push him away at times...though that mostly turned into him weakly slapping Jackie’s face and arms. But Jackie was determined, and managed to get Marvin back on top of the mattress. Once there, Marvin gave up and went limp, lying there still. Jackie sighed in relief and pressed his hand to his head. Still hot, and his pale skin was damp with sweat. He should wake him up soon, get him to drink some water to replace what he lost with all the sweat. But first, he picked up the damp rag again, using some of the water from the glass to wet it more and make it cooler. He laid the cloth across Marvin’s forehead.

The moment he did, something...unusual started to happen. Marvin whimpered, turned his head to the side, and started to cry. Tears leaked from his eyes as he quietly sobbed and continued to mumble something. The words had changed. Now, Jackie could hear a lot of “No” and “Please don’t” over and over and over. As he listened, stunned, these were broken up by adding “I’m sorry” and “I’ll be good” to the mix, which only shocked him further.

“God. Marvin,” he whispered to himself. No more waiting, he had to wake him up now. He couldn’t handle the thought of leaving him to whatever horrible nightmare he was having. “Marvin, wake up. It’s me, it’s Jackie.” He leaned over and started shaking him. Gently at first, then gradually harder as that failed to wake him up. His voice slowly raised. “Marvin. Marvin! This is Jackie. You need to wake up!”

After what felt like ages, Marvin stopped mumbling. He groaned, and slowly opened his eyes, staring up at Jackie. At first, confused. Then slowly getting his bearings. He reached up and weakly grabbed at the damp cloth on his forehead until he managed to take it off. Then he tried to sit up, but gave up once the fatigue proved too heavy. “Whoa...” he muttered. “I...where...? When...?”

“You’re in your room. In the house you live in with Jameson,” Jackie explained patiently. “It’s...” He checked the time on his phone. “Ha, it’s midnight on the dot.”

“What...?” Marvin swallowed dryly. “What’s the date?”

“December 10th.”

“...the year?”

“2018.”

“Right.” Marvin nodded a bit, then stopped, looking a bit dizzy. Once again, he tried to sit up, and this time Jackie helped him prop himself against the headboard. “D’you...have any water?”

“Yeah.” Jackie grabbed the water glass and offered it to him. Marvin grasped it weakly, and Jackie only let go once he was sure he could hold it securely. 

Immediately, Marvin lifted the glass to his mouth and drank, draining the glass. “Th’nk you,” he said, handing it back.

“No problem,” Jackie said, taking it. “I can go get more, if you want. Colder, too.”

Marvin took a deep breath, looking unsure. Actually, he looked more than unsure. He looked...shaken.

“You were...having a bad dream,” Jackie said gently. “I-I could hear you making noise, talking and...shouting and...and crying. So I came to check on you. You were rolling around and fell off at one point, but now you’re awake. A-and you’re alright. You’re safe.”

Marvin stared at him for a while, then looked away and closed his eyes, taking another deep breath. Then, strangely...he laughed. “Bad dream,” he repeated. “‘Tis always a bad dream. T’at’s...only time I remember. Which ‘s...strange...isn’ it? T’at’s not how mem’ry works.”

“Remember?” Jackie blinked. “Remember what?”

A pause. Marvin opened his eyes, but didn’t look directly at Jackie. “If y’coul’...go get water I’d…’preciate it.”

“Do you mean...the time you were with him?” Jackie asked softly.

Marvin stiffened. “How’d you...?”

“How did I guess? I just...” Jackie looked down at his hands. He traced the scars on his wrists and shrugged. “It sounded...familiar.”

The silence that followed stretched on. Jackie was worried he’d overstepped some boundary and was about to leave, when Marvin pulled his knees up and gestured to the end of the bed, now clear without his legs there. “Sit down.”

Jackie sat. “Did I—do you not want to talk about it?”

“You...you r’member, righ’?” Marvin asked. “What happened...when you were with him?”

“Of course. I-I-I couldn’t forget.” Jackie laughed humorlessly. “It’s actually a problem, so much reminds me of it. I had to make Volt throw out his zip-ties, and put away his knives and half his cleaning stuff when I moved in with him, since just looking at them freaked me out. I mean, he’s taken them out again now. ‘Cause it’s a bit better. But I can’t...can’t go home, or into any house that’s even a bit similar to that place, can’t spend too much time inside...” He trailed off. “You...don’t remember anything?”

Marvin hummed, leaning his head back against the wall. “‘T’s strange for me. I don’...I don’ remember how I got here. To the...the ‘when,’ I mean. But I...I’m startin’ t t’ink that...he’s the reason for that.”

“Like...he brought you to the present?” Jackie asked.

“No.” Marvin shook his head a bit, but gave up, wincing a bit. Jackie guessed a headache or something that made the motion worse. “I don’ t’ink he coul’ do t’at. It...it doesn’ really fit him, or...or what he can do. Y’know? But...after I got here, however t’at happened, I...I t’ink I ran into him. A-an’ he decided someone so confused woul’ be an easy target.” He paused for a moment, just breathing. Jackie waited patiently. “I didn’...didn’ r’member any of t’is at first. I forgot ev’ryt’ing between bein’ home, and meeting Jems. But...when I go to sleep, I remember. In my dreams.”

“Well...that can happen sometimes,” Jackie said slowly. “Your brain can block out upsetting stuff. And having nightmares about what happened to you is a common trauma response. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.”

“No, no, I know t’at, but it’s...diff’rent for me,” Marvin insisted. “It’s all...too clear. Like it’s happenin’ for the first time. And...I know the dreams r’lly happened, because...I have scars...that match up.”

At that, Jackie glanced down at Marvin’s arms. He’d noticed the scars before, but hadn’t really thought too much about them. Maybe that said something about him as a friend. Or maybe he just didn’t want to pry. But they definitely existed. Most of them were short lines, probably caused by something sharp, but there were also a few burn scars on Marvin’s upper arms. They were all usually covered by his shirt. Jackie suddenly made a connection. “Is that why you always wear long sleeves?”

“Don’ t’ink so,” Marvin mumbled. “Everyt’ing I say, about proper dress and wantin’ t’keep to a routine and not wantin’ any random people grabbin’ my arm...that’s all true. But...maybe it is a reason, but I jus’ don’ realize it. Is that why you wear your jacket all the time now?”

“Hmm.” Jackie tugged at the cuffs of his hoodie. “No. I mean, it’s related. I just...” He paused, getting his thoughts together. “I didn’t have this while I was with him. I-I left it behind. Or...he did, when he showed up. So it’s just...a reminder that it’s all safe now.”

“Reminder,” Marvin repeated, and nodded, once. 

Jackie let out a long exhale. It was really easy to talk to Marvin about all this. He’d had to work up to sharing details like this with his therapist, but now, he was letting them spill. It must have been because he knew Marvin would understand. “I guess if you don’t remember anything, you don���t need a reminder. Right? Ha. I-I wish I didn’t remember.”

Marvin pressed a hand to his head, as if he could feel the empty spots where the missing memories were supposed to be. “I don’ know. I think...I think I’d rather jus’ know. Because...he must’ve done it. He must’ve made me forget. But...why? For what? What’s the purpose? Is there...somet’ing I still don’ know? T’at he wanted to keep secret?”

“Huh. I...didn’t think of that.” Jackie frowned. “You’re right.”

“T’ere’s a lot missing. I’ve dreamt about how...about how we met, but how’d I get out? I dreamt him takin’ my set of playin’ cards, but...why do I feel...they were so important? More t’an just bein’ mine, I mean. And what...what did I do?” Marvin said that last part in a hushed tone.

Jackie stared at him. Then he stood, took a few steps closer to Marvin, and sat back down on the bed, now next to Marvin. He leaned against the headboard instead of sitting on the edge, so the two of them were mirroring each other, side by side. It wasn’t particularly comfortable. The bed was narrow, so he had to sit very close to Marvin, still burning with fever. But...he wanted to. And Marvin didn’t protest. “If you did anything, it wasn’t your fault,” Jackie said softly. “You can’t...do anything in that state.”

Marvin rubbed his eyes. They were starting to water. “You...know?”

Jackie nodded silently.

Taking a shaky breath, Marvin asked, “What...h-how bad...were the things he...made you...?”

After a long moment, Jackie replied. “No one died. But...some were hurt. I think...if I stayed there any longer, it would’ve gotten worse.” He had to stop for a moment. He’d...never told anyone about that. “But it’s...it’s not our fault. It’s Distorter’s. We called him that because he distorts thought, a-and that’s exactly what he did. We aren’t those thoughts he put there, o-or the actions he caused.”

Marvin couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He buried his face in his hands, but Jackie caught a glimpse of them flowing before he could hide them entirely. “I jus’...wish I coul’ remember.” A sob caught in this throat. “I remember feelin’ horrible, I remember screamin’ at him for what he made me do, I remember tryin’ to fight against it...but I don’ remember what I did. I t’ink...I might dream the memory one day. A-an’ I...don’ know...how I’ll react.”

Jackie leaned against him. Reaching up, he took Marvin’s wrist and slowly pulled his hand away from his face, revealing the tear stains and bloodshot eyes. “We aren’t those thoughts,” he repeated, quietly, but firmly. “Those actions weren’t us.”

Marvin stared at him. Then nodded. He looked away. “Will you...stay? For a while?”

“Of course.”

The two of them sat in silence for a long while, the night stretched before them.

——————— 

The next morning, Jackie woke up to the familiar sounds of someone making breakfast. He opened his eyes and sat up, wincing a bit at the ache in his side and neck. The sofa was clearly designed for sitting, not sleeping. He stretched to try and make it better, then stood and went into the kitchen.

JJ was the one cooking. He waved at Jackie, then asked him for help carrying food to Marvin, still in bed. Jackie agreed and the two of them went down the hall.

Marvin was awake. Sitting up, in fact, with Fluffington in his lap. He thanked the two of them for breakfast. While he ate, Jackie gave him a quick check-up, taking his temperature and asking him basic questions. The fever had distinctly died down, and Marvin reported that he felt really tired, but not nauseous, and he could breathe easier. Jackie and JJ were both immediately relieved.

“So it’s just a cold, then,” Jackie concluded, relaxing for the first time in a full day. “Sorry about all the trouble, you two.”

“Eh, better safe t’an sorry, right?” Marvin shrugged. “And ‘t was...nice to have you over.”

Jackie gave him a gentle smile. Then he said, “I’ll be going now, then. It was nice to be over, too. Though sleeping on the sofa kind of sucked.”

Well you’re wearing jeans, JJ pointed out.

“That’s not a problem, I sleep in jeans a lot.”

What?! JJ gasped, looking personally offended. Jackie, you didn’t tell me you were absolutely out of your mind! How can that be comfortable?!

Jackie laughed. “You get used to it.”

“No, ‘m with Jems on t’is one,” Marvin said, his words slightly muffled as he was speaking into his cup of apple juice.

“I used to take long night shifts at the hospital years ago, and I was so tired that I didn’t even bother to get into pajamas when I got home,” Jackie defended himself. “I mean, I don’t have night shifts anymore, but that’s still a leftover quirk.”

Marvin rolled his eyes. “Didn’ ye say you had to go?”

“Yeah, I told Volt I’d be back in the morning before he went to work at ten. I’ll tell him how you’re doing, by the way. Anti, too.”

“T’anks.” Marvin looked at him. “For...ev’ryt’ing. Be seein’ you.”

“Be seeing you,” Jackie repeated. “And thank you. Goodbye.”

JJ looked confused. He followed Jackie as he headed down the hall to the front door. Before he could leave, he asked, Did something happen?

“Oh. Uhh we had a talk last night,” Jackie said. “About some...serious stuff.”

Ah. I won’t pry, then, JJ said, backing off. Hey, Jackie. Thanks for coming over and staying and everything. I hope it wasn’t an inconvenience.

“It’s never an inconvenience to help a friend. Or, you know, even if there wasn’t a problem, I’d be happy to stay over any time.” Jackie laughed a bit. “Just gotta prepare a bit better next time. Get an air mattress.”

JJ smiled. Still, thank you. It...it really means a lot, you know? I’m sure Marvin’s glad you stop by to check on him when he’s sick, even when he protests. But remember to take care of yourself too, you know?

Jackie nodded. “Thanks, J. I will. But you have to remember that, too. I know you’re busy with your show and now Marvin’s sick and everything, but keep your stress levels down. You worry a lot about everyone else. Might spread yourself too thin.”

JJ sighed. It...has happened before. I’ll try.

“No, you won’t try. You will take care of yourself. Or let Marvin or one of us do it.”

Alright, I get the point, JJ smiled a bit. Hey, by the way, the show starts in January. Opening night is New Year’s Day, actually. You and Henrik and Anti can come see it for free, if you want. The families, too.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Jackie said cheerfully. Rama and Michelle would probably like that. “I’ll see you later, then?”

See you later. Bye, Jackie.

“Bye, JJ.”

Jackie headed out, hurrying to his car, still parked where he left it last night. A few loose snowflakes started to fall from the sky as he climbed inside and turned on the heater. 

That was...a night. An unexpected one, but...one he needed. He reflected on it as he started to drive away. Then, he took the turn that would take him to Rama and Michelle’s house—his house. There was still time before he said he’d be back at Schneep’s apartment. He wanted to be with his family again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[shaekingshitup]

Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

12. Part 3

Pacing the length of my basketball court as I smoked my blunt, I mean I can’t of course smoke inside the home because Robyn is pregnant and also asleep still, I mean was she that tired. I can’t judge actually, the baby is probably taking it out of her but damn, she is snoring a lot and I found it funny. I was going to record her but that is rude, I can’t do that. I am happy, I am so happy to be here with Robyn, to have Robyn in my home is the biggest blessing. I love that woman to death, she doesn’t understand how much of a blessing she is to me because right now I would be probably with the niggas just smoking and talking shit, so right now I am facing reality and the reality is, I need to start living good, and being good. I know Robyn said for me to come to London, come with her but I have a lot of things to sort out here so I will just stay behind and sort some things out. I will actually attempt to go to London and probably ask Nia if I can take Royalty on a daddy and daughter holiday, just for the weekend. I will probably miss out on the baby shower because I feel like there is a lot of shit going on in that family, I don’t want to be there, but I am content with what I did so I am good. Putting my blunt out as I left my court, I was going to put it on the ground, but it will be me picking it up later. Making my way back inside the home “she like the way that I rock, she like the way that I woo” I sang to myself while bopping my head, I wonder if Robyn is awake “wow, finally” I said laughing at her, smiling from ear to ear, she looks so confused “why did you let me sleep?” she grumbled, oh she is miserable about it “because you was tired, I will be back” I need to throw this blunt in the trash, she is funny.

Sitting down on the couch with my cup, placing the cup between my legs “you look so moody, you slept and snored. Man, I ain’t ever hear you snore like that before” Robyn placed her hand over her face in shame “please don’t, oh my god. Mel said the same thing, it’s the baby. I don’t know, how shameful” Robyn looks ashamed “don’t be, it’s cool. You were cute, you well rested though. How you going to sleep tonight? It’s late now, let me feed you dinner” looking at my watch “I am supposed to be leaving for London in the morning” Robyn grunted placing the covers at the side of me “I can drop you off in the morning, I don’t mind” Robyn laughed “my breath is hot, damn. Can I have water, or whatever that is” looking down at my cup “oh you don’t want that, I can get you water” getting up “why, what is that?” I wish she didn’t “just a drink, it will give you gas” I lied as I walked off, sipping some of the lean “well I don’t want that, then why are you having it. Chris that better not be lean” opening the fridge “no it’s not” drinking some more and placed it in the fridge “it’s for my stomach. I have a bad system” grabbing the bottle of water for Robyn “you want me to open it for you?” opening the bottle for her anyways “ouch” I hit into the couch “here” passing the water bottle to her “thank you” throwing the bottle cap in the air and then catching it “no more hot breath now, so what you think? I have my home to myself, let me feed you” laying down on my couch and looking up at the ceiling “I need to pee” I like this feeling “you want me to help you” I said, I just said it but then laughed “shut up” laughing to myself.

Getting up from the couch “Robyn?” did she leave, I fell asleep “Robyn?” I said again getting up from the couch “here, I just went to pee” letting out an oh, I must have fell asleep for like a minute “cool, I just got worried that you left” she shook her head “would you lie to me?” she asked “no why? It’s you I wouldn’t” she knows that “then if I ask you something one more time you will just tell me the truth?” nodding my head “did you have lean?” I sighed out “it was just a little, calms my nerves. It helps me, like I ain’t doing no hardcore drugs, just a little lean. Calms my nerves, also my brain from being a hyperactive mess, it’s good” Robyn placed her hand on my chest “no, I say no. That is not it Chris, you are self-medicating that is not it. You said no drugs, you said it. Weed ok but not that fucking shit Chris!” Robyn shouted “I don’t want it Chris, any of that. Why would you do that, right in front of my face too. You want me to be here, be like we were in twenty twelve. We were a fucking mess Chris, what the fuck!” licking my lips putting my head down “it was just something little, like it wasn’t something big, I just need it sometimes” I have annoyed Robyn now “need or want?” pick it wisely, I sighed out “want” I mean I hope that is the better of them “then I want you to throw that shit away, what other shit you have in here. You are so fucking lucky I am not walking out of this bitch!” she spat “just that” I said, I lied because I have Molly and Percs in the home but it’s locked away and it’s not for me personally but it’s there, I don’t want her to walk out “listen to me Chris, you don’t need it. You want to slow your mind down for what? Stop your mind racing? If so, why? What is it racing for?” she asked “I have a lot of shit to do Robyn, I got to deal with it. I have to be there for you” I do need to be there for her “and I am here! I am here Chris; I am not going anywhere at all. You don’t need to rush shit, no drugs please” I guess I am in Robyn’ bad books now, I have ruined it.

Robyn watched me throw the shit away, she watched me do it to all three bottles I had left “I can’t babysit you Chris, do not get comfy thinking I won’t cut this off and I don’t want that, we are getting to a point where I want to tell that baby is not fatherless and you did this right in front on my face? Am I a fucking joke to you Chris, maybe everyone allows this, but I don’t, I am angry at you if you don’t fucking see it on my face!” I rather not see her face but it wasn’t that serious, I had some lean because my mind is on overdrive, I needed to calm it down but she is just there barking at me “I am going Chris” turning the tap on to watch the purple syrup go down the drain, I so feel bad but it was so harmless. Sometimes I need this shit to calm me down, but she doesn’t understand it, oh wait Robyn said she is going. Turning the tap off and grabbing the towel from the side “Robyn, shawty!” I ran around the counter “hey, please don’t go. Like listen to me, I didn’t mean to upset you. I swear I didn’t. Someone like me doesn’t change overnight but I never meant to upset you” Robyn glared at me, she is mad at me “but then you decided to have more? Why Chris, I am rooting for you. I am here for you and you did that in front of us, yes us. Me and our daughter, you know what just don’t. I am going, thanks for this but you know what, you may be fucking right to cry, if this is what you are doing. You wonder why you get upset when reality hits because you are doing this!” she shouted “you’re going to lose us” Robyn’ voice broke “I am riding on you to prove to people that I am right, that you are not the man they think but you are just showing that they are right and I look like the clown Chris, I do! For believing in you, you had to ruin today” she grabbed her jacket “please don’t go” holding onto her jacket also “why should I stay? I came to be here for you! Mentally here for you but instead you’re stressing me out” letting her jacket go, I don’t want to stress her out.

I am not sure what Robyn is thinking, she hasn’t called anyone yet “is this why Mijo gave up?” Robyn asked, I shrugged “I suppose but I meant no harm about it, I stopped whippets, and this just slows my mind down, don’t you get it. If it upsets you then I will stop” Robyn shook her head “no, you got to stop this. You change for your kids not me!” she spat “why when I love you Robyn, I have always loved you. It’s you that drives me crazy” Robyn looks deflated “and this is why I left you the second time” a sob left her lips “I was the cause of it, me. I am the issue with you, it’s me that doesn’t help you. I think I am helping, but I am not, you’re right I am driving you crazy, but I don’t want that. I felt helpless with you, so I had to walk away from you, I don’t help you. The love we hold is no good for each other Chris, I just don’t know what to do. I am bad for you” Robyn turned away from me, she is crying but I didn’t want that “please don’t cry Robyn, I never wanted that for you” I didn’t want any of this, I should have had it when she went but I got comfortable “I put my guard down and this happens, I am just no help for you Chris” walking around her “you are though! You gave me purpose, I want to change for you, I really do” Robyn shook her head “I drive you crazy, crazy to a point you feel your mind racing. You want, and want, and want and you know I am not yours and that alone makes you crazy, am I wrong?” shaking my head “I have to be with you to make sure you’re ok and that is bad Chris, how can I know you are ok when I am not here. I can’t look after you” looking at Robyn in sadness, Robyn grabbed my hand “you feel that? Feel it!” she spat; she placed my hand over her stomach “this is you stressing us out!” yanking my hand back after feeling the slight flutter against my hand.

Next time I will have to keep it to myself or better yet just not do it but I don’t want to lose Robyn, I don’t do whippets anymore, I just wanted to have something to calm my nerves but clearly I did wrong, I just didn’t like to think I am stressing my baby out, and Robyn also “so where do we go from here? I just don’t see it now, you can’t handle yourself, clearly fucking not. You just love going back, I don’t get it. You’re programmed to just do dumb shit, I am not even fighting to have you. I don’t even want you, I want my fucking daughter to have a father, I don’t want you Chris and the reason I don’t is because I can’t deal with your shit when I am so far ahead of you, I am at a different pace in life where you are still stuck in your twenties. You half assed change, you literally fucking did that to me, so where do we go from here? I am going now, you can chase me all you want because I will become very out of reach from you Chris, I fucking told you this” Robyn stared at me, she is very angry “speak!” she shouted “I am thinking” I am actually in a daze but hey, I can’t say that right now “I want you” Robyn groaned out “I am not going to be here Chris, I think we need to just stop it here. I don’t have the energy for this, I can’t chase you and do this every time. It’s not happening, you’re not even with me Chris, listen to me. Hear this, this ends here. I don’t want anything to do with you, I told you and I was not fucking playing” watching Robyn get her phone out “no please, listen to me. It’s not easy as it seems, ok I have that sometimes, but I have honestly changed with you, please. Just don’t go, I have changed, and you know it. I am trying, I admit” holding my hands up “it’s not easy for me, I can’t just turn it off like that. I was just not thinking, and I had it. You know me Robyn, don’t turn your back on me. I know you can just up and leave me and you have done it before, don’t do it to me because I will track you down, I did before and I will do it again and not stop, just don’t do that” Robyn dropped her phone on the counter top sighing out “I hate you” she mumbled “I hate me too” I guess we have no choice.

“I wish you just be real with me; I know it ain’t easy to stop something just like that. Why fake it, tell me. Say it to me, say Robyn I am finding it hard on this day, I did have this, but this is why, but I am trying. You are being sly with shit, that don’t run with me. I told you Chris, I do it my way with or without you. I am being fair to you, I am trying my best here to help you” I am shocked Robyn hasn’t left to be honest “you’re going to be not here though” she really isn’t “do you want me to wipe your ass? I am not your mother, I said support, not be here to physically to do shit for you. This is so fucking hard for me, for us! We are no good together, fuck!” Robyn spat “you are on a different wave to me, the wave you are on is wanting me, it’s me you want but it should be about the baby. Your kids but it isn’t. We are going to do this all night aren’t we? Until you can accept the kids come first, stop seeing me as a goal” I shook my head “so you are staying?” I asked, seems like it “before I leave, if I can try and make you see sense, then I am here but right now I just need some air. I am hot right now; I need to calm down. This is new to me; I need to remember and back off” Robyn walked off, we need some food here so I better order something.

[curls-and-crosses]

Mad Issues Part 1.5

(Erik “Killmonger” Stevens x black!fem reader)

Slightly under 2k words!

Prompt: A sweet Father's day moment with parents to-be, Erik and the reader.

CW: Fluff and slight angst.

A/N: Since Father's day was upon us, I wanted to depict Erik differently before pt 2. Remember, you and Erik weren't always at odds.

P.S: If you are wondering, you are currently 8 months pregnant now.

I did minimal editing, oops. Other than that, enjoy this! Please give me feedback! 💕

~~~

"Fuck! Turn the AC on. I'm dying over here." You complained as you desperately fanned yourself for comfort. It seemed to only make matters worse since there was little to no relief.

"Babe, I'm tryna to save my money and gas since we just bought the house. Plus I just became Wakandan Ambassador. "He said patiently as he reached behind his seat to pull out something. A bottle of water.

"Here, drink some of this. You and the baby need it the way you sweatin'." He jokingly advised, concentrating on the road.

"I wouldn't be sweating like this if you would blast some cool air. Cheap ass. We have money." You sassed, taking a swig of water before choking because it was so hot.

"This water is piss temperature, Erik." You grimaced, twisting the cap on the bottle and throwing to the back. He chuckled as he drove. His eyes crinkling at the sides, his shoulders bouncing a bit as he began to heartily laugh at your response.

"Well, it's not like you haven't swallowed anything else equally as warm...like the other night." He chuckled, giving you a side eye as he calmed down from his little laughing fit.

Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped in shock. "Erik! Stop it. The baby may hear you talking all nasty!" You gawked, smacking playfully at his arm before rubbing your large, clothed belly on each side to soothe your little girl from his explicit words.

"Our baby needs need to know how she got here sometime." He smiled, gripping your thigh almost to persuade you he was right.

"Not before she can walk! Not like that." You began to laugh at him, realizing what he was trying to do. He was distracting you from the sweltering heat that flooded the car by his entertaining conversation.

It was working for a little bit until you were reminded of a potential heat stroke as sweat rolled down your temple. You didn't understand how he wasn't sweating. Maybe it was the power he still held from the heart shaped herb.

His skin was maybe glistening with the thinnest layer of sweat, but nothing more. Meanwhile you were profusely sweating like you had just went for a run in the Sahara desert.

Your obstetrician has discussed with you that excessive sweating and having hot flashes was common with pregnancy. Your doctor had also warned you that it could get worse as your pregnancy went along. The way you were feeling, you knew that those symptoms were in full effect now.

You were growing more irritated at the heat drove on. As Erik drove on. He kept it a surprise where you were going but you had an idea.

It was Father's day weekend, you knew it had to be somewhere related to his own father. You were happy to share this moment with him, if that was truly the case. For the longest time, Erik had hated this holiday weekend because it reminded him of what he didn't have.

What he lost.

Since you've known Erik, all Father's Days had been terrible for him. Well, for you too because he was so emotional every year.

The first holiday, you wanted to make sure he was doing okay and tried to call him. You got no answer to your calls and no replies back. Nothing.

You didn't want to seem needy, so you let him be and did your thing.

A week went by when he finally reached out to you. You later asked him why he didn't call you or anything. All he said was "I wanted to be alone." You didn't want to push the issue, so you accepted his answer and left it alone.

The second Father's day was a bit better. You remember he called you that day to ask how you were doing. You said you were doing okay since you were spending time with the most important male figure in your life.

After that reply, Erik remained silent for a few seconds so you called his name, waiting for an answer back. He only said "Listen, I'll call you tomorrow. Okay?" and quickly hung up on you. You felt terrible and took pity on him. You wanted to go by his house or call again to make sure he was alright, but you continue your holiday without him.

The third Father's day was definitely a memory. You spent the day with Erik because he asked you to and you knew he needed someone with him. You were engaged at that point and thought spending time together was the best thing for the both of you.

You smiled out the window as you remembered how Erik was trying so hard to be happy and attentive with you that day.

You made him a large, but late lunch with all his breakfast favorites: pancakes, biscuits, seasoned eggs, grits, bacon, and sausage, along with juice and coffee. He said you might have overdid the food, but he was very grateful for the gesture.

Erik showered you with kisses while you cooked, put his hand over yours at the table as he talked your ear off, and held you close as you watched a movie on the TV screen until you fell asleep on the couch.

That day was going well until you were woken up hours later by sniffling sounds coming from his bedroom.

You hadn't heard Erik cry in your 3 and a half years of being together at that point, so you sprang up to get to him.

You remember that you had stopped in the doorway, knots forming in your stomach at your fiance's appearance as he sat on the edge of his bed. He slowly looked up at you when you approached the door. His eyes bloodshot, glazed over with sorrow as tears fell down his cheeks. A frown on his face with his lips slightly pouted. His dreads were sprawled across his forehead making his overall appearance even more melancholy. He sniffled once more before he spoke.

"Get out..." He said with a soft, pleading tone as he looked down at a picture frame in his hands. It looked a little worn: much like him in some ways. You had never seen him so broken. You didn't really know what to do or say. You were going to follow his request to leave him alone, but your feet didn't move. A part of you didn't want to leave. You wanted to let him know you were there for him.

"But Erik, I want to help you."

You replied carefully, watching as his breathing picked up and he gripped the picture frame harder.

He shot up from his spot on the bed and threw the picture frame across the room, hitting the wall across from him. As a reflex, you flinched and shielded your head.

"I said GET OUT!! I know you don't want to be here with me. FUCKING LEAVE!!" He yelled as he dropped to the ground in a sobbing mess.  

Your heart had broke seeing him like that...so, this is why he didn't want you around.

His shoulders slumped in defeat and despair as he quietly sobbed. You looked at him with concern as he stared through you with a numb expression.

"Why won't you leave me? My father already has." He said through sniffles and obvious irritation.

You sighed and walked over to kneel down with him on the floor. You took his cheeks and thumbed away his tears. He lifted his head once more to stare into your eyes for  comfort.

"He left me. Both of them did." He dejectedly murmured.

"Erik, listen to me. I'm not going to fill the void of your parents. Please don't hold me to that standard, baby. All I can be to you is the woman you need in your life to support you and love you the best way I know how. You hear me?"

He responded by nodding and giving you a slow kiss. No other words had to be said.

You came back to reality and realized Erik was parking on the side of the road near an open field.

"Erik, where are we?" You wondered, the words slowly coming out of your mouth.

He shushed you as he held your hand. He turned to you with a full smile and kissed your hand.

"It'll be fine, just follow me." He simply replied before stepping out the car to open your door on the other side. Your eyes widened in surprise at your current location before you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

"Come on baby, hurry up." Erik chuckled, as he helped you out. He saw your feet touch the ground and left you to get out fully by yourself. You looked at him, baffled as he excitedly jogged to the back of the car.

"Thanks for helping me out, hun." Sarcasm got the best of you and you laughed to yourself as you tried to get out. You were sure you looked like a beached whale attempting to get out the car.

Your eager husband walked back up to you holding a small...cooler?

"So while I was dying in the car, you had something cold to drink this entire time?" You questioned. You were almost ready to take his head off at this point and you weren't a violent person. It had to be the heat and the hormones.

Erik didn't say anything initially as he closed your door. You looked at him, expectant for an answer as he locked the car and started walking while holding your hand.

"Yeah, I'm sorry baby...I was trying to keep the surprise a surprise." He sheepishly grinned, scratching the back of his neck before taking your hand again.

"But you know I don't really care for surprises..."

"Just come on, you're going to like it."

"Okay, well. What is this grand surprise that almost caused your wife to pass out in thirst?" You sassed, walking through weeds and looking down for any wildlife you weren't too fond of.

"Just wait, we're almost there."

"Erik, you know surprises give me anxi–" Seeing that he had stopped, you looked up and saw a small picnic table under a tree with a basket, flower vase full of your favorite flowers, balloons, and presents.

You stood there, frozen. You didn't know what to say. Was this for you?

"What is all this? It's not my birthday or Mother's day." You spoke, unbelieving of what was in front of you.

"I know baby girl, but without you I wouldn't be a father. I wouldn't be a better man. You have decided to love me even when I thought I was unlovable. Thank you." He said, turning to kiss your forehead and put his hand on your belly.

You put your hand over his and leaned up to kiss him. He gladly returned your soft kiss and grinned.

"I don't know what to say Erik." You confessed, feeling tears beginning to well up in your eyes.

"Don't say anything, y/n. Just know I love you." He whispered before kissing you again.

As you kissed once more, you both felt your little girl kick. You chuckled and put both of your hands on your belly.

"I think she's saying I love you too." 

Mad Issues Taglist

[egheneto]

BEAUTIFUL BOY

There are moments that I look at him, this kid that I raised, who I thought I knew inside and out, and I wonder who he is. He’s been doing all sorts of drugs, but he’s addicted to crystal meth, which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. And I guess I’m here because I just want to know all that I can about all of it. Know your enemies, right? So, my two big questions are, what is it doing to him, and what can I do to help him?

Vedere soffrire le persone a cui si vuole bene è terribile. Sapere di non poter fare nulla per aiutarle è ancora peggio.

Do you know how much I love you? If you could take all the words in the language, it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. And if you could gather all those words together, it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. What I feel for you is everything. I love you more than everything.

Beautiful boy è un film delicato. Si costruisce attorno al rapporto profondo tra David e il figlio Nicolas. Senza troppe pretese, dipinge la storia di un padre che osserva la vita del proprio figlio disgregarsi giorno dopo giorno, oppresso dal demone della dipendenza da metanfetamine.

Soffrire insieme al padre è inevitabile: la dura e cruda descrizione del presente si contrappone alle rievocazioni di immagini felici di infanzia, permeate di tranquillità, amore e felicità. Nicolas era un bambino felice, bello, con una grande passione per la lettura e grande talento per la scrittura. Rifugiarsi nei ricordi diventa, per David, l’unico modo per trovare la forza di andare avanti e non mollare; guardare indietro ai giorni felici è seguire a ritroso il percorso del loro rapporto per cercare di capire dove ha potuto sbagliare come padre, per trovare delle risposte.

I know now I need to find a way to fill this big black hole in me

La storia è quella di Nicolas, ma è una storia che lo vede assente. Nic soffre per la quotidianità, per una vita che fa fatica a sopportare, che non vuole più sopportare. Si nasconde nelle droghe che lo accendono, lo elevano al di sopra di una realtà nella quale si sente intrappolato. Si sente finalmente vivo, ma finisce per non esistere affatto. 

Al suo posto subentra, in primo piano, la sofferenza di chi gli è vicino, di chi lo ama e cerca di aiutarlo. Beautiful boy mostra un lato differente della dipendenza, il lato di chi, dall'esterno, osserva impotente una persona ridursi al niente. La caduta, la disintossicazione, le brevi illusioni di miglioramento e di nuovo la ricaduta: si trattiene il fiato per tutto il film, insieme ai familiari di Nicolas, nella speranza di poter assistere a una risoluzione positiva, nella speranza che quella sia la volta buona. Perché, d'altronde, per chi si ama davvero si farebbe di tutto. 

David Sheff: Nicolas called. He sounds desperate. He’s going to die if we don’t do anything. Vicki Sheff: Well, he’s going to die even if we do. Nothing we do has any effect on him. I failed. I know you feel ashamed, okay? So do I. But you’ve done great, David. And Karen too, so thank you for that. You were up for it when I wasn’t, and I’m not giving up now. Never. But I can’t do it alone. I need your help. David Sheff: I don’t think you can save people, Vicki. Vicki Sheff: You can be there for them, can’t you? David Sheff: I’m done.

Ma al tutto c'è un limite, ed è un limite difficile da accettare. È difficile riuscire a mollare, a lasciarsi andare, riuscire ad ammettere la propria impotenza di fronte a qualcosa di così grande. Perchè l’amore è più forte di tutto ma, a volte, l’unica scelta è lasciar perdere. 

Non puoi salvare qualcuno se, per primo, lui non si vuole salvare.

Nicole C.

________________________________________________

Bukowski, Let it enfold you.

Either peace or happiness, let it enfold you

when I was a young man I felt these things were dumb, unsophisticated. I had bad blood, a twisted mind, a precarious upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I leered at the sun. I trusted no man and especially no woman.

I was living a hell in small rooms, I broke things, smashed things, walked through glass, cursed. I challenged everything, was continually being evicted, jailed, in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. women were something to screw and rail at, I had no male friends,

I changed jobs and cities, I hated holidays, babies, history, newspapers, museums, grandmothers, marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, english accents, spain, france, italy, walnuts and the color orange. algebra angered me, opera sickened me, charlie chaplin was a fake and flowers were for pansies.

peace and happiness to me were signs of inferiority, tenants of the weak and addled mind.

but as I went on with my alley fights, my suicidal years, my passage through any number of women-it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn’t different

from the others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome with hatred, glossed over with petty grievances, the men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. everybody was nudging, inching, cheating for some insignificant advantage, the lie was the weapon and the plot was empty, darkness was the dictator.

cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. I found moments of peace in cheap rooms just staring at the knobs of some dresser or listening to the rain in the dark. the less I needed the better I felt.

maybe the other life had worn me down. I no longer found glamour in topping somebody in conversation. or in mounting the body of some poor drunken female whose life had slipped away into sorrow.

I could never accept life as it was, i could never gobble down all its poisons but there were parts, tenuous magic parts open for the asking.

I re formulated I don’t know when, date, time, all that but the change occurred. something in me relaxed, smoothed out. i no longer had to prove that I was a man,

I didn’t have to prove anything.

I began to see things: coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. or a dog walking along a sidewalk. or the way the mouse on my dresser top stopped there with its body, its ears, its nose, it was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself and its eyes looked at me and they were beautiful. then- it was gone.

I began to feel good, I began to feel good in the worst situations and there were plenty of those. like say, the boss behind his desk, he is going to have to fire me.

I’ve missed too many days. he is dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses, he says, ‘I am going to have to let you go’

‘it’s all right’ I tell him.

He must do what he must do, he has a wife, a house, children, expenses, most probably a girlfriend.

I am sorry for him he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing sunshine. the whole day is mine temporarily, anyhow.

(the whole world is at the throat of the world, everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated, everybody is despondent, disillusioned)

I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness.

I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, like high heels, breasts, singing,the works.

(don’t get me wrong, there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism that overlooks all basic problems just for the sake of itself- this is a shield and a sickness.)

The knife got near my throat again, I almost turned on the gas again but when the good moments arrived again I didn’t fight them off like an alley adversary. I let them take me, I luxuriated in them, I made them welcome home. I even looked into the mirror once having thought myself to be ugly, I now liked what I saw, almost handsome, yes, a bit ripped and ragged, scares, lumps, odd turns, but all in all, not too bad, almost handsome, better at least than some of those movie star faces like the cheeks of a baby’s butt.

and finally I discovered real feelings of others, unheralded, like lately, like this morning, as I was leaving, for the track, i saw my wife in bed, just the shape of her head there (not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead and the dying, the pyramids, Mozart dead but his music still there in the room, weeds growing, the earth turning, the tote board waiting for me) I saw the shape of my wife’s head, she so still, I ached for her life, just being there under the covers.

I kissed her in the forehead, got down the stairway, got outside, got into my marvelous car, fixed the seatbelt, backed out the drive. feeling warm to the fingertips, down to my foot on the gas pedal, I entered the world once more, drove down the hill past the houses full and empty of people, I saw the mailman, honked, he waved back at me.

[areasontobreathe]

This is my Destiel Secret Santa gift for @sp0okyweek.  It took me four tries to get this completed, so I hope it’s okay, sp0okyweek.  I managed to get all three wishes in this! (That’s not why it took 4 tries, your wishes were so awesome that they just worked better all together) 

Three Wishes:

-Under the mistletoe

-Shipper!Sam is tired of the UST

-Dean absentmindedly kisses Cas before leaving 

Some profanity.

Edit: When I posted this the first time, it took out the Keep Reading line, so I had to fix that.

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss.

It was only a kiss.

- “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

 The whole thing started back in October, and for no clear reason.  He was about to leave the bunker for a routine salt and burn, almost relaxed with the strange normality of the situation.  Things had been really quiet recently, so Sam and Castiel were in the library trying to find a case when Dean walked in.

“What’s up,” he asked lightly, raising his eyebrows at the man and angel gathered around the laptop. “Are we trying to figure out how much more hair Sammy needs before we have to start hunting him?”

Sam rolled his eyes and… there it was, Bitchface #42. “We were looking for a case, actually.”

“Did you find anything? I’m bored.”

“Actually, we found a basic haunting, standard salt and burn.  The remains are even on the property, in a marked grave, believe it or not.”

“Sweet!” Dean grinned. “I’m on it.  How far?”

“Valley, Nebraska,” Cas answered, his gravelly voice certainly not sending shivers down Dean’s spine to more interesting places. Certainly not. “Do you want me to join you?”

“Nah, I got it man. Shouldn’t be gone more than a day, day and half tops.”

About fifteen minutes later, after loading everything he needed into the Impala, Dean was checking his room one last time to see if he forgot anything he would need for the trip.  Grabbing an extra box of salt rounds, because why not, he was startled when he turned and nearly ran into the angel standing in his door way.  “Dude, stop sneaking up on me. We talked about this.” About a hundred times, actually.

“Dean, I am concerned about you going to address the ghost on your own,” Cas rumbled. “I – the last time you tried to hunt on your own – “

“I know,” Dean replied softly before clearing his throat. “But Cas, this is one of the first things every hunter learns to take care of.  After Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, dying a few times, and several Apocalypses, I think I can handle one restless spirit.  It isn’t even a poltergeist, dude.  Just a crying ghost.  No biggie.” Against his better judgment, he grabbed Cas’s face and made those vibrant blue eyes meet his. “I’ll be fine.  And I even promise to pray to you when I see the first sign of trouble, okay?” Cas looked down and nodded.  Dean sighed at the sight of the distressed angel, then ruffled his hair, dropped a brief kiss to his chapped lips, and walked to the garage.

He was half way to Valley, Nebraska, before he realized he had kissed Cas.   Pulling into the first gas station he came to, he threw Baby into park and started panicking.

He. Kissed. Cas.

He kissed Cas.

He kissed Cas.

He kissed Cas.

Dean had always been attracted to the black-haired presence in his life, since the first time he saw the shadow of wings against the wall of a barn warded with everything they could bring to bear at the time.  It had taken years for him to come to terms with a being of celestial intent in the body of a devout and profoundly religious man.  Years more of everything they had been through left Dean conflicted, and by the time everything leveled out in his head, he realized that all that struggle didn’t matter – Castiel was, no matter what changes he had been through, an Angel of the Lord, and unlikely to have any interest in any human as more than something to observe and protect.  Like a particularly stupid and self destructive endangered species.

All the effort he put in to keeping himself from fantasizing, touching, reaching out and just giving in… all to be undone by a nonchalant kiss.  Their first kiss. To make it even worse, he had done it like it wasn’t a big deal and walked off. And it should have been a big deal – the biggest deal.

With a groan at how stupid he could be, Dean hit his head on the steering wheel a few times before forcing himself to pull it together.  Nothing could be done now, and maybe Cas didn’t even realize what happened.  Yeah, that was pretty likely.  After all, Cas still wasn’t very good at being people, right? So it was really unlikely that Cas even understood the significance of what Dean had done.

Dean took a couple deep breaths, cranked up the radio, and focused on the ghost he was on his way to crisp, shoving down thoughts of what he had done.

 The case went seamlessly, and Dean was back at the bunker early in the morning a couple days later. He didn’t mention the kiss, and just as he suspected, Cas never said anything about it.   Weeks passed, and soon all of them were at Jody’s for a hearty Thanksgiving meal.  By now, Dean was well practiced at ignoring the glances she made between him and Cas, along with providing the expected snappy comebacks to Alex and Claire when they asked nosy questions that he insisted were way off the mark.  He was just happy to see Claire visibly less tense around the angel who had taken her father away from her; she gradually had gotten better about it only after she found out that Jimmy Novak’s soul had already moved on.

Finally, December came around, causing Sam to get overly excited – just like he did every year – about the idea of finally having a Christmas of their own.  One without an awful hotel room, or a hunt, or Santa trying to kill them.  Dean gave him a hard time, but secretly was almost as excited as his brother.  Not about the holiday, of course, but seeing in the gigantic killer of the supernatural (heir to the throne of Hell, Lucifer’s former favorite suit, etc) the same excitement most people saw in wide-eyed children.

In the end, the bunker had not one but three Christmas trees, decked and lit within an inch of collapsing.  The place smelled like a cross between a forest and a bakery with all the evergreen and cinnamon Sam had managed to stuff in and on every available surface.  Cas got in on the action when he discovered hot chocolate, claiming it reminded him of Gabriel. They even somehow ended up with a tiny little village, with each house lit up and buried in fake snow.  

It was only when the mistletoe started appearing that Dean decided he was revoking Sam’s Pinterest privileges.  Dean had been walking into the library just as Cas was leaving, and suddenly they both were stuck in the doorway, something that should never have happened since the door was more than wide enough for both Winchester brothers to pass through without trouble. They weren’t even touching each other, they were just – stuck.

Well, this was awkward.

Dean cleared his throat. “Um, Cas? Why are we stuck?” When he glanced over at the trench-coated angel, he saw blue eyes squinting up at the top of the door.  Following the glance, it turned out that the scowl was directed at a small bunch of mistletoe hanging in the doorway.

“It appears it has been spelled to trap the two people who walk beneath it.  I’m not entirely sure what that would accomplish, however.”

Swearing vigorously, the older Winchester immediately knew who was behind this. “SAMMY! Get your ass in here right now and take this stupid weed down!”

Thumping footsteps preceded the arrival of Sam, sliding to a stop in his socks, face full of glee. “Finally! It took me forever to hang that stuff anywhere I thought you two would get caught!”

“Not funny, Sammy. Take it down, now.”

“No way.  I paid Rowena entirely too much to put the enchantments on those, I’m leaving you there until you free yourselves.”

“Rowena is in on this?”

“Oh, totally. Everyone’s tired of this little dance you two have going on.  And I do mean everyone.  Even the demons we’ve encountered recently have mentioned it.” Sam pointed back and forth between his brother and the angel.

“Samuel,” Cas growled. “Where did you find the holy oil that she used to bind angels with this spell?”

“Not telling.  I may need it again if you two don’t pull your heads out of your asses.”

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sam. Just tell us how to get out of this? You said we can free ourselves. How?”

“Dude, it’s mistletoe. One guess.”

“You want me to kiss Cas? That’s gross, dude.” He immediately felt sick to his stomach as the words left his lips.

“If you find kissing me so repugnant, why did you kiss me before?” Cas asked, pain and confusion evident in his voice.

“You kissed him before!? When!?”

“It was kind of an accident – shut up, Sam – kind of. It was before I went for that salt and burn in Nebraska, and Cas was upset that I would get hurt, or die again, and I told him I’d be fine, and – I just kissed him.  Like, to reassure him, I guess? Why am I even telling you this!?”

“We added a truth spell. Like I said, tired. Of. Your. Shit.” More emphatic pointing.

“Truth spell means Dean does find the idea of kissing me ‘gross’ as he said,” Castiel pointed out mournfully.

“Dude, no, that’s not what I meant, Cas. I meant Sam wanting us to kiss is gross.  He’s my brother, he should definitely not have opinions about that.  I do want to kiss you, I have for a while – damn this – “

Dean’s swearing was cut off completely by two hands on his face and two chapped lips crushed against his own.  Surprised, he didn’t react at first, but when he realized what was happening, all he could think was fuck it before pulling the angel to him and giving in to the kiss with every fiber of his being.  It was everything he ever wanted, and better than he could ever imagine as he felt not just the man in his arms, but the flicker of grace against his soul. Sunlight and whiskey and electricity, all poured into one moment.

He had no clue how much time passed before he pulled back for air.  “Three cheers for the pizza man,” he murmured, panting slightly and dizzy from lack of oxygen.  When he looked over, Sam was standing there, phone out and tapping on the screen. Still holding tightly to Cas, who was nuzzling his neck and shoulder, it took a moment to put more words together. “Sammy, what are you doing?”

“Finally! I would have said get a room, but it was my fault you were standing there.  Everyone sends their congratulations, by the way,” the taller man replied with a cheeky grin.

“Wait, what?”

Sam waggled his phone at Dean. “Everyone knew about this, and they wanted photos for proof.”

“You took photos!? I’m gonna kill you!”

“Dean,” a purring voice came from his neck. Oh, hey, Cas was still there.  That was nice at least. “Let it go. We have more important things to worry about.”

Turning to look at the mop of messy black hair, Dean went into panic-mode. “What do you mean?”

“You are going to follow me, and we are going to be very busy for the next several days.  I would like to experience human bonding with you, and I think you are going to have to teach me quite a bit.”

Ignoring the disgusted yelps coming from the general direction of one Sam Winchester, Dean flushed hotly. “I thought sex with humans was about the same as bestiality to angels… That’s why I never… I don’t want you to think I’m disgusting for this…”

“I rebuilt this body, atom by atom. I agonized over the placement of every freckle and every eyelash. Balthazar was quite vexed with my fixation on your eyes being the exactly right shade of green.  You will never be disgusting to me, Dean.  You are the most beautiful of my Father’s creations.”

Tears threatened Dean’s eyes at the words he was hearing. He was prepared to be told that he wasn’t good enough.  He spent his entire life not being good enough.  But hearing Castiel, Angel of Thursday, former God tell him he was perfect? There was no way to prepare for that.

His thoughts were interrupted by the third person present. “So, yeah.  I’m gonna go for a while.  It sounds like you two have a lot to – ahem – talk about.  Kitchen’s stocked, stay out of my room please.”

“Sam – “ he called plaintively at his brother’s retreating back.

Sam turned and just smiled. “Consider this a Christmas gift, Dean.  Merry Christmas, stay out of my room.”

Dean smiled back weakly as he felt Castiel take his hand. “Merry Christmas, Sam.”

@destielsecretsanta

[dailyaudiobible]

02/14/2018 DAB Transcript

Exodus 37:1-38:31, Matthew 28:1-20, Psalms 34:11-22, Proverbs 9:9-10

Today is the 14th day of February. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I'm Brian. It is wonderful to be here with you. Happy Valentine’s Day for all of you lovers in the world. This also happens to be the first day in the season of Lent, but we'll talk about that in a little while. What we've come here to do is to take the next step forward in the Scriptures. So, from the Contemporary English Version this week, Exodus chapter 37 and 38.

Commentary:

Okay. So, as I mentioned at the beginning, today is obviously Valentines day. So, shout out to all you lovers in the world. It's definitely a day that we express and commemorate romantic love in the world. It just so happens that also today the season of Lent begins. And I talk about some of the seasons and some of the holidays, holy days, that are found on the Christian calendar because they present a rhythm. So, as we're experiencing the rhythm of the Scripture in our lives every day, there's also an ancient calendar that has a rhythm to it that's intended to focus our heart on God and what God has done for us. So, if you celebrate Christmas, you're celebrating a holy day that's on the Christian calendar. If you celebrate Easter or Pentecost or St. Valentine’s Day or St. Patrick`s Day, like, these are commemorative days or holy days on the Christian calendar. There are also seasons. Advent would be a season, the season leading up to Christmas. Lent is the season leading up to Easter. So, we're forty days out from Easter. So, let me pause here and just say, hey the Christian calendar isn't in the New Testament. It's not in the Bible. That's not the point. And whether you've ever heard of Lent or not isn't the point. Whether you have observed Lent in the past but you no longer do or you don't even know what I'm talking about, like, that's okay. At minimum, you're going to get just a small little history context lesson and at most, you're going to find something that's rich and very meaningful and something that you begin to or continue to participate in.

So, Lent, probably you've heard of it. Probably it represents to you that, you know, you don't eat candy bars or you don't eat candy or you don't eat sugar or you don't do something. Whatever. You abstain from something for the season of Lent. And that alone is fine. If you're used to eating a candy bar for lunch every day and you stop doing that, you break that rhythm, then everyday you're thinking about that candy bar, thinking about what your normal rhythm is, you're thinking about being a little hungry and needing a snack and it reminds you of the season that you're in. But the purpose of Lent is to actually spend the forty days leading up to Easter understanding, like, fully trying to engage with what it cost to bring you spiritual freedom, salvation and eternal life. And we talked about this a couple days ago when we read through the crucifixion narrative in the gospel of Matthew. One of the things that we don't do very well, that we don't sit with very well, is lament. We very often skip over lament and move immediately toward grace and mercy, which are needed in endless supply for everyday, certainly. But we don't consider the awful price of sin. We don't actually focus our attention on what Jesus had to endure in order to make it easy for us. The kind of life that we experience spiritually came at tremendous sacrifice on our behalf by God. As the Scriptures tell us, while we were still His enemies, Jesus died for us. So, it’s a season to sit with that and begin to invite the Holy Spirit into that. Because sin still kills. Sin still destroys us. Sin is still a cancer that will eat us alive from the inside out. And, so, Lent is a season that comes every year and if giving up your afternoon candy bar is the thing, then that’s the thing. But the point isn’t giving up candy bars or any one thing. That tradition is as a reminder, a reminder that we are giving up everything. And in the season of Lent, we lament. We look back over our lives and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us back into places where we can see how sin has caused tremendous damage in our lives. And we begin to allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to the places that it still exists in our lives. And we invite the Holy Spirit to do the work in this season of restoring us as we move toward Easter. So, as we move toward resurrection and salvation, we actually apply ourselves and invite God’s Holy Spirit to do work inside of us. We’re saying, I’ll give up everything. I’m inviting you to re-order my life. What are the things that do not belong in my life anymore at all? Help me to rid myself and extricate myself from those things during this season. What are the things that are more important to me than they ought to be? Put them in my life where they belong. What are the things that are interfering with where we’re going together, Jesus? Show me those things. Show me how to get them out of my life or re-order them in my life so that they’re balanced properly in my relationship. My union with you is the primary focus of my life. If we use this season for that, then we will be joining in with a tradition that goes back all the way to the second generation of believers. So, the people that the apostles preached to? These are first generation believers. Their children, who grew up in the faith are the second generation. And there are early Christian writings from this time that talk about this. So, it’s an ancient Christian tradition, but it’s also one that will be being observed by millions of people around the world. And, as I say most every year that we get to this season and I do a little explanation of it, I didn’t grow up doing this. I grew up in the church, I grew up in a pastor’s home, but this isn’t something that we practiced. And you may be the same. And you may not want to do this, and that’s fine. There’s no commandment about it.  There’s nothing…it’s not like that. It’s not a command. It’s just an invitation to spend these forty days asking God the things that should be removed from your life, the things that should be re-ordered in your life. And then maybe you do some fasting or maybe you fast something so that every time you would normally turn toward that thing, that food, that activity, you are reminded of where your heart is focusing right now, where you are inviting God to work inside of you right now for these forty days, so that as we approach Easter, we have prepared our hearts and we enter into the Easter celebration fully aware of what it cost for us to even celebrate Easter. And what it means, what a monumental shift that happened in the world and in the human race because of Jesus death, resurrection and ascension.

Prayer:

So, Jesus, as we enter into this time, whether we’re actually going to observe Lent or whether we just focus our attention and affection right now, we open ourselves to You. And Lord, over this next period of time, we invite You, as we move toward resurrection day and our ultimate freedom from sin, we invite You to begin taking us back through our lives and showing us where sin has derailed us and to show us where the weeds of sin are still intertwined, the places that we still find ourselves deceived. The places that we’re continuing to allow this to grow within us. Holy Spirit, come. Show us how to cut that off. Show us how to remove that and burn it up in our lives, get away from it. And, Father, the places that are out of alignment in our lives because life is moving so fast that we just kind of have to patch it together as we go. The things that have fallen out of alignment. Things that are more important to us than maybe they ought to be, even though they’re good things. Or things that need more attention in our lives and should be elevated and paid more attention to. Re-order us, God. We want to move into Easter having truly contemplated what it cost to bring us to Easter. And we want to come into the Easter season in alignment with You so that we can fully embrace and rejoice in what Your victory has won. And as we move deeper, after Easter, into the springtime and new life flourishes around us, we want that to be what’s happening inside of us. So, come Holy Spirit in this season, we pray. In Jesus name. Amen.

Announcements:

Okay, so today begins Lent. This is known as Ash Wednesday. And you may be walking around the grocery store today or the gas station or wherever and see people with black smudges on their foreheads that are crosses. And you might even find that to be a little weird. I always did until I knew what was going on. Those are people who have gone to some sort of Ash Wednesday service and have had palm ash smudged on their forehead in the shape of a cross. It’s a way of representing sackcloth and ashes. It’s a way of representing repentance. It’s a way of representing lament and being public about it. And we see that tradition throughout the Scriptures. When you see someone like that, you’re seeing someone who is willing to humble themselves and look a little bit foolish to outwardly declare to the world, I am in a season of repentance. I repent from my sins. I am contemplating what it costs. What sin costs myself and my family and what sin cost ultimately and the sacrifice of Jesus. And I am declaring this openly even though I may look foolish. So, if you see someone walking around like that today, they are your brother or your sister. Pray for them. And if that sounds meaningful to you, find an Ash Wednesday service somewhere. Step out of your box. Move among brothers and sisters that you have never met. It's a way of going public with your repentance. I mean, there's no magic in this. Smear black on your forehead if that's what you want and go out into the world. Whether they understand or not, you're declaring your repentance. And you're also declaring your allegiance. That's what this is all about. Focusing our heart and our attention on what it cost to bring us our salvation and inviting the Holy Spirit to re-order our lives according to that salvation as we move into the celebration of the resurrection and our freedom.

Okay. dailyaudiobible.com is the website, it’s home base, it’s where you find what's going on around here. So, check it out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link. It's on the homepage. If you're using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner. Or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996, Spring Hill, Tennessee, 37174.

And as always if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hey. Good morning you all. This is Cherry, Cherry Chase ,Cherry Pie. Just want to send a shout out to Salvation is Mine. I heard your message this morning. I also felt your pain. I do understand days when you feel like you’re trying to go on with your life but you really are actually screaming inside. I’ve been there, but I want to let you know Salvation is Mine, I’ve got your back, I’ve got you covered. I love you. Just keep pushing, because sometimes we have to do that solid scream and just keep going. God has your back. We’ve got your back. So, you’re going to be fine. I know you’re just going through little things. It’s hard when you’re in them yourself. But I’ve got you girl. I’m going try to encourage you. Every time I hear you call just smile. I want to hear that smile when you call in. You’re going to be fine. We all the through rough time. I love you and I’m asking God to pray for me as well. I am drifting off into my own things and it’s a big deal for me and it will put my finances where I needed. So, if you can guys, I’m asking you guys all pray for my new victory that I’m drifting out on life on my own business and just trying to sum up a little more money so that I can…everything will be taken care of. So, I’m asking you guys to over me with that. I love each and every one you guys. Keep continuing to pray for me and I’m going to keep continuing to pray for you guys. Love you guys. Have a great and wonderful and marvelous day.

Good morning family. I just wanted to say, bless you all, and we are listening and we are praying and we just wanted to say thank you so much for everything you share and this is Lara and Tom from Minnesota and just happy spring, want to stay positive. I just want to say that we are new to this series and we’ve been enjoying it immensely, but I just want to encourage each and every single one of you right now who are going through some pretty difficult times, I just want to lift you up. In Jesus’ name, I commit you to God, I commit your issues to God and just love them up in Jesus’ name. And I ask Father God, that Your will would be done and I pray a hedge of protection around these people Lord Jesus. And I pray Lord that Your guidance and Your wisdom and Your will would be done in their lives and I just plea the Lord Jesus on everyone Lord and a hedge of protection around them. Just bless them Lord and thank You so much for everything and thank You for what You’re doing in our lives. And we are touched with Your word God and how it shows us that every step of our lives has been directed, each day. And You know what we need before we even ask. Thank You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hi family it’s his little Sharie again and I wanted to thank you Mark S. and the lady in Canada, I think your name might be B, if not, forgive me. You both pray for my book and I really appreciate that. And I also wanted to say that I’m praying for all of our prodigal’s. So many people have called in about their sons, daughters, family members, friends who are far from God. I am joining my faith with yours praying for God to arrest them and reveal Himself to them. I also wanted to read something that I wrote called, Now that You’re an Adult. And I pray that it will be an encouragement to everyone out there praying for a prodigal, especially moms and dads. My child, now that you are an adult, I reach down with the roots of my faith into the mountain of God’s faithfulness and I drink deeply of trust. I need it now more than ever. This is the gift your independence has given me, dependence on the God who promises to be faithful to each generation. I don’t know what your future holds, but I know that wherever you go and whatever you do God will pursue you. You will never be able to escape the invitation of His Spirit. You will never be beyond the reach of His grace. The battle rages for your heart and yet I know that all the schemes of the evil one are no match to God’s genius for redemption. I wish I could protect you from all the lies of darkness. I wish I could spare you the mistakes you will make and the resulting pain, but I can’t. I can only do one thing. Now that you are beyond my reach, I can surrender you to his.

Hi DAB family this is Joyful Noise from Southern California. I am sharing something and confessing to you all that this was laid upon my heart early in January, January 3rd I think, to be exact, no maybe a little bit later. So, this is from a reading January 7th. This is from a reading way earlier this year and it so inspired me. It spoke to me in a way that it hasn’t in the previous six years of been going to the Bible with this community and with Brian. And here is the story. And I want you guys to think about this and think about how we have a tendency to hide from God and we how have a tendency to deny his presence during times of trouble or we have a tendency to, you know, look around for him. But listen to what Abraham did. So, this is from Genesis 18. The Lord appeared to Abraham at the Oaks at Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance of the stent during the heat of the day. He looked up and he saw three men standing near him. When he saw them, he ran from the entrance of the tent to meet them, bowed to the ground and said, my Lord, if I have found favor with you please do a no go on past your servant. Let a little water be brought that you may wash your feet and rest yourself under the tree. I will bring a bit of bread so that you will strengthen yourself. This is why you have passed your servants way. Later you can continue on. Yes, there will be times you will be upset. And, so, what struck me in this reading on January 7th was that, you know, God doesn’t just want us to kind of look around for Him, test the waters, think about maybe is He there, is He not there, where is His presence, but to run toward Him. And I was reminded of that again when I was rereading the prodigal son story. The father sees the son coming up the hill and runs towards him. So, that is how we are to respond to God when we feel His presence. So…

Hi. This is John and I’m calling from Cleveland Ohio. And I’m calling because of the faith that Blind Tony and Victoria and everybody else has shown me on the line…on the phone. And I have found myself praying along with you. I have a problem though, as a grandfather. I have a granddaughter who had been born with a herniated diaphragm. And what this does is it controls the area around the heart and lungs. There’s a hole in this area and it allowed the lower abdomen to let the liver and other parts of the body enter where her lungs are, crushing that area. And it wasn’t caught during pregnancy. So, this was a very complicated surgery and they had given her less than 10% chance to live. But we know as brothers and sisters in the Lord, that means nothing. And she lived and now she is 15 years old. The problem is, she’s now developing into a woman and the tissue is not growing along with her and again the diaphragm is torn open and these organs are again crushing her lungs. I need to ask the DABbers to pray along with me and to keep her in your prayers. Her name is Anessa Joy, known as AJ. And she may be flown by helicopter to the Cleveland clinic soon. They’re trying to stabilize her. And I just ask that everybody will keep her in your prayers. Thank you very much. Bye.

Hi this is Sharon The Victorious from Northern California. I pray for all of you. I really need your prayers. My husband’s back is so bad that he can barely walk and he still has to work. I pray for him to get better. I pray for my daughter who is bipolar and I think she’s using prescription drugs again. Things aren’t good. and I pray for her to get well. And I need a prayer for myself. I’m so depressed right now. I have found out that have glaucoma and cataracts in my eyes and I’m just going to turn 62. So, I go through a procedure on the 16th of this month to have laser surgery for the glaucoma. I’m scared. I don’t want to go blind and I need your prayers. I’m so down right now. Please help me. Please pray for me. Please God, come into my heart and help me through all this. My husband and I are in a fight right down too and after 41 years of marriage…and we just had our anniversary. I pray for you and please pray for me and my family. Thank you. God bless you all. Thank you.

[milominderbindered]

thirty days of skam fic: day twenty one aka, the boy squad go camping

beginning. accusation. restless. leaves. rainbow. flame. formal. under. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. cans. order. thanks. look. summer. transformation. tremble. tent. mad. thousand. paper. winter. luxury. letters. promise. simple. future.

[ READ ON AO3 ]

There is an audible smirk in Even’s voice as he says, “Are you pitching a tent or are you just pleased to see me?”

Isak rolls his eyes as he finishes rolling the tent poles out of the back of Even’s dad’s car, which they've borrowed for the weekend after much bribery and several promises that Even would be the one driving, not Isak.

“I promise you, the only tent around here is not in my jeans.  It's this pile of canvas sheets.”  Isak flicks one of the smaller tent poles towards Even, trying to thwack him on the leg, but it only ends up with the rest of the poles falling all over the place. As Isak tries to catch one that is swinging on its little elastic string and fold it back up again, he adds, “you could help, you know. This was your idea!”

It's not that Isak hates camping. But it certainly wouldn't have been his first choice of group activities over the summer -- so when he and Even had sat down a few days after Sana’s Eid party to make a list of all the cute stuff they could do together over the summer, it was Even who had enthusiastically suggested rounding up all the guys and a few tents and venturing out to a campsite for a weekend.  They're already going to Morocco next month, but apparently Even wanted to go on more holidays than just that.  Of course, that maybe has to do with when Isak had said I just want to do things with you and Even had practically melted, so Isak can’t get too upset.  Getting to snuggle with Even in a sleeping bag will make up for all the bugs and uncomfortable sleep and lack of appliances, anyway.

Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas had all spilled out of the car the moment they arrived, tired of being all crushed up together in the back seat of Even’s dad’s car, so they're already laying out the ground sheet of their three-person tent by the time Isak gathers up all the stuff for his and Even’s -- with minimal help from his boyfriend, who is finding all this too fun to be any use.  He goes to start laying their tent out next to the guys, but before he can even set it down, Jonas is waving him away.

“No way, bro!  You guys have to go at the other end of the clearing or something.  Or like, a mile into the woods.”

“Yeah, do you realise tents don’t have walls?” Mahdi adds.  “We don’t wanna hear you banging all night, bro.”

They have a fair point, which Isak actually hadn’t considered, but he still splutters indignantly, throwing up his hands as Even just starts laughing behind him.

“We’re not gonna bang!” he objects.  Okay, technically he hadn’t really thought about it, and they do usually get each other off every single night, but tent sex would probably be a bit uncomfortable and the idea that the guys could listen to every single movement is way too creepy.  “It’s not like we can’t go two nights, for fuck’s sake.”

Unfortunately he has a ridiculous boyfriend, because Even comes over and finally decides to pick up some of the tent -- which had been so badly packed away by whichever one of his siblings used it last that it’s basically in five separate bags -- only to start dragging it to the other side of the firepit.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, baby,” he says, trying to wink.  Isak rolls his eyes again, and wonders if this might have been a bad idea.

-----

It turns out Even and Jonas are the only two who actually know how to put up tents properly, so by the time they get all their stuff set up, most of the afternoon has flown by and it’s nearly time for dinner.  The little campsite they’ve gone to is cute -- further through the woods there's a main area with some crappy toilets and showers and picnic benches, but they have their own little clearing in the woods, so even though there are lots of other similar set-ups nearby, the trees cut everyone else off and it feels like they’re alone.  In the middle of the clearing is a firepit, but Magnus has brought along a little gas stove, because none of them should probably be trusted to light and cook on an actual campfire.

They’ve just brought pretty basic food along, since they’re only there for a weekend, but of course Even decides to take on the one-man mission of turning a multipack of instant noodles into a gourmet dinner.  The rest of the guys sit on the upturned logs around the fire and watch him hovering over the stove, half chatting about a girl Mahdi has been talking to on Instagram at the same time.  It’s no different to what they’d be talking about if they were sat at Even and Isak’s place instead, like they do most Friday nights, so Isak really doesn’t get the point of coming camping, but he supposes the fresh air is kind of nice.

The food ends up tasting great, like everything Even makes.

“Shit,” Mahdi says, when he takes his first bite.  “I thought this was supposed to be pot noodle?  It tastes like it’s from some fancy restaurant my mum would drag me to.”

“Isak, I can’t believe you get to have him at home cooking for you every night,” Magnus groans.  They all laugh, Even looking particularly proud of himself, eyes scrunching up as he does his typical wide smile.

“Yeah,” Isak agrees, and for a moment all the guys fall away from his vision as he looks across at his boyfriend.  “I’m lucky.”

-----

They make an actual fire eventually, just a tiny one, because Jonas brought vegan marshmallows for them to toast.  By the time they've made it through half a bag of those they're all kind of bored of hanging around the campsite, though, and it’s only a ten minute walk through the woods to get to a massive lake.  As evening sets in, the sky gets a little dimmer, and the guys abandon their sweets in favour of taking a torch and a bong down to the edge of the water.  

It’s ridiculously peaceful.  There’s nobody around for as far as they can see, and the clear water is glimmering -- they sit on the edge of a little wooden jetty, and Even takes off his shoes to dangle his long legs in the water while Mahdi packs the weed.

Isak can tell the exact moment Even’s feet touch the water, because he squeals.

“Is it cold?” Isak teases, shoving Even’s shoulder as Even laughs.  “Are you so dumb that you didn’t realise it would be cold?”

“It’s summer!” Even protests, and very adamantly puts his feet back in the water, as if proving a point despite the fact that he’s wincing as he does it.

“It’s also Norway, and evening, and it was cold all day today.”  Isak narrows his eyes, daring Even to try and argue again -- and when Even doesn’t, Isak shifts a little closer, resting his knee across Even’s thighs and cuddling into his arm.  They’re wearing each other’s hoodies, something Isak hadn’t realised until about three hours after they left the flat because they’re so used to stealing each other’s clothes by now, but it’s comforting to be all wrapped up in Even as he leans on his shoulder, too.  For a moment, Isak turns his face towards Even, and looks; Even’s eyes are closed, head dropped back a bit, suddenly looking incredibly peaceful.

Isak reaches up to gently brush the hair back from Even’s forehead, smoothing it behind his ear, and a tiny smile appears on Even’s face.  

Isak is besotted, breathtaken, in love.  He would give anything to see Even look this peaceful all the time, like there’s absolutely nothing weighing on him, not a single thought in his mind.

“Hey, lovebirds, could you stop being sappy for two seconds?” Jonas’s teasing voice breaks them out of their reverie, Even’s eyes fluttering open again and Isak turning back to face his friends, who he’d kind of forgotten were there at all.  

----

They waste a long time getting high by the lake, watching the sun go down through the trees, goofing around, talking about what else they’re gonna do over the summer and Magnus’s new job and who they would save if there was a sudden zombie apocalypse.  Of course, it probably is the exact same type of shit they’d be talking about at home, but the lake is ridiculously pretty and the air is nice and Isak can understand why it’s nice to get away from the city for a bit.  He’ll have to admit to Even, at some point, that this was a good idea. Eventually it gets dark, though, and they all trail back to their little campsite, bumping into each other and a lot of trees thanks to their single torch and the fact that they’re all high as shit.  It probably takes longer than it normally would to all get changed and into their tents, but eventually they’ve all said goodnight and are heading off to bed, Isak and Even on one side of the fire, the rest of the guys on the other.  The plan is to wake up early in the morning and go for a hike to see if they can find this cool ancient tree that supposedly grows in this forest, but Isak doesn’t have one hundred percent faith that any of them will be awake before eleven.

In his hoodie and sweatpants, Isak hunches down to crawl into his and Even’s tent, kicking their backpacks around a bit until there’s enough space for him to shimmy halfway down into their double sleeping bag.  Even follows, but instead of getting inside the sleeping bag, he climbs on top of Isak instead, kissing him all over his cheeks and jaw and nose and then finally on his lips, while Isak squirms happily underneath him.

“Wanna have sex?” Even says, completely casual, as one of his hands worms into the sleeping bag to grab Isak’s butt.  Isak shifts into the touch, because it feels nice and some parts of him are definitely a little bit interested already, but his brain shuts the whole thing down after a second.

“Even,” Isak mumbles, rolling his eyes.  “The guys would literally probably be able to hear your balls hitting my ass.  They can probably hear this conversation right now.”

“We can!” a chorus of muffled voices ring out, and Isak’s cheeks go red, but that’s a secret for just him and Even.

“Stop listening, then!” Even calls back, but he’s laughing as he rolls off Isak and collapses onto his back on their camping mat.  In a quieter voice, he adds to Isak, “I can’t believe you’re really gonna make us go three days without sex.  Wanna just cuddle until we fall asleep, then?”

Isak nods, smiling, and helps Even climb into the sleeping bag, arranging their bodies until they’re both curled around each other as tightly as they can be, Isak’s head pillowed in the crook of Even’s neck.  This has been a nice day.  He doesn’t even care that the weather’s not great and there are bugs everywhere and their tent looks so poorly constructed that it might fall down around them at any moment.  

Against Even’s neck, Isak whispers, “When the guys go to find the showers in the morning, I’ll give you a blowjob.”

He doesn’t have to look up to know that Even is smiling.  That, Isak thinks, is true love.

[shadylake-blog]

I never knew this kind of misery could exist until this year. Grief is overwhelming. I can easily say this has been the worst year for my family. Every day I try and give thanks that no one else is dead, or dying (well even that is not true a couple family members not doing so well with their health but they do not have cancer or anything that awful, so I should be grateful right?) I have learned being a better person does not make your life easier. Karma does not exist. My sweet poor baby brother, only 4 years younger than me died in January to start my year off. He would be 22 right now if he would have been alive for his birthday this month. I used to love the rain, now I have mixed feelings. That day I knew something bad was going to happen. I wrote the date two times for various things and got chills each time I wrote it. I watched The Butterfly Effect, which used to be one of my favorite movies until that happened, thinking about how true it was. He passed a semi truck with a car in front of them on that rainy night in January heading west towards the coast, that day it just rained and rained and rained. It was 10PM and dark. I was on the exact same spot on the road 10 minutes before the accident, about 10 miles outside of town. He hydroplaned, rolled and managed to defy physics and come back the other direction and rolled into a telephone pole that hit the drivers side. Completely demolished the car. Passenger was unscathed. He had a pulse for 20 minutes on scene, and was never taken to a hospital at all to even attempt to revive him. Just thrown into a body bag once pulse had stopped... makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. At midnight I realized I had 36 missed calls from my mom and step-dad. I was busy arguing with my controlling gas lighting “boyfriend” about tattoos, he was made that I got them. I was thinking someone got pulled over for driving while suspended or something. I never thought about my brother dying, not once my entire life. My mom blubbered “He is dead,” I said “What do you mean?” “He is dead your brother is dead he got in a car wreck” “No it can not be him are you sure?” “Yes I am sure” (can barely understand her both of us just completely blubbering and hysterical now) “How do you know did you see him?” “The police came and told me, his wallet was on him it was his car.” Now having never dealt with death in any way shape or form, not even a distant cousin, I did not know how to react other than scream. I had a slight hope maybe someone stole his car and wallet, because the passenger was not one of his friends I knew, it was someone I had never even heard my brother talk about. But I cried and screamed for days and days and days. The next morning I immediately went out to the crash sight which was right behind my moms house across a big field and put up a cross on the pole. It was still pouring, I had another one drying at home with his name on it. The scene was horrific. They left all of his costs and personal belongings just strung out all over the side of the road.PIECES OF SHIT. After they let him bleed out. Puddles of blood all over the ground in the mud. His car title, personal mail, the coats he had on that night (the passenger posted a photo of them before they left and ten minutes later he was dying) other things he had in his car like work clothes and nails and tools, he was a roofer. He always had those rings of nails everywhere. Just left out like hes worthless trash. The lack of respect for a dead 21 year old kid you did not even take to the hospital...Fucking disgusting. I went out and cleaned everything up. I could not even see my brother until Wednesday, 4 days later. It was a Saturday night when it happened. Towing company would not even let us look at his car until Tuesday. My step-dad, mother and I looked at the car in complete horror. It looked like it been crushed. How the passenger escaped unscathed I really have no idea the entire dashboard was caved in, windshield gone. Blood all over the drivers seat and floor where they just let him lay there and bleed out. Somehow his weed pipe (that was under the passenger seat in a toolbox he was not smoking and he does not drink) was not broken, neither was his phone which was smashed in between the drivers seat and console but it was cracked. We always told each other our passwords in case something like this happened never thinking we would actually have to use it... That day he asked probably 20 people to go all day including his girlfriend, and he could not get anyone to go until 10 o'clock at night when the passenger had said sure I will go. The last thing his girlfriend said to him was “I wish you would go kill yourself”, they had been together for 3 years. I know that when people are arguing they say things like that, I do not hold it against her but its unfortunate she has to live with that being the last thing she said to him. His steering wheel and dashboard were so crushed the keys had to be forcibly removed, I still carry the sideways key around on my key chain because this has made me completely insane, as if I did not struggle enough with depression and anxiety before this from constantly being broke trying to raise a child on my own and never having daycare. That is a story for another day. But this has really fucked me up. He was not a sibling I occasionally see on the holidays, that’s who I called when I really just needed a friend. We went camping and hiking all the time together. We never sat on our phones when we went so we hardly had any pictures together. He was always there for me as a child and an adult, even though I was such a bitch when we were younger. He was always so good to me, the best brother anyone could ever ask for. I hear these people talk about the things their brothers do them, and I am like my brother would have never done that to me... He was such a good person even when people did him wrong. He had a heart of gold and was so unique he had so much potential and was just starting to grow up. Besides my child, there is no other person in the world I loved more than him. I have two other siblings but they are 14 and 11 years younger than me. I love them but I do not share the same bond and he was my only full sibling. When I actually finally got to see him at the morgue (and I was the only family member that even went to see him the rest found it too “traumatizing” I wanted to see what the hell happened) my stomach sank. It was definitely him. My poor little brother, laying on a fucking slab. I just kissed his forehead over and over wishing I could somehow blow the life back into him... I know that can never happen. He will rot in the ground forever. It was just a slight dent on his head under his hair. His beautiful brown hair. You will never convince me he should have not tried to have been saved. I have seen people survive way worse injuries but they were taken to a hospital. They literally just let him lay there until his pulse stopped. I’m too poor to afford an attorney. Just like my grandpa that I never met, but I have been told by my entire family he was beat by a bunch of police officers and left to die in the hospital. My grandmas mom was overdosed in Tylenol at the hospital and her sister died of alcohol poisoning because the hospital would not treat her. Why are the poor just left to die? Because the poor can not afford lawyers, and they know it. I visited him almost every day for the 2 weeks in the morgue, we did not exactly have 5 grand laying around for a funeral so I had to gather some money before the services. I felt awful letting him stay in a morgue that long, but my other choice was cremation which I do not believe in. I wanted it to do it as my native american ancestors did which was bury him outside in a cave but its illegal. I have seen too many cremations where people get the wrong ashes when the DNA test them and I wanted a proper burial, and a place to visit him. We built the casket since I was not paying an additional 5 grand for a wooden box with pillows in it. My stepdad found old redwood on the farm and various other woods to build it with. My brother would have liked it, because he loved to fall trees. He did it for fun almost every time we went to the woods. “Sis, lets go to the woods so I can cut down a tree.” He called me Sis even as an adult. The handles were made out of deer antlers, his first deer that he killed. I bought him a red comforter set because that was his favorite color. I dressed him in his banana pajama pants and his work shirt, because he loved roofing, and one of his cozy flannels. I hope you're cozy brother. Lots of people showed up to the funeral. At least 100 people. My boss and coworker, my brothers coworkers, all my family, even distant family we never really speak to like my grandpas brother. People I did not know. My moms ex husband (my other siblings father) and his parents came. It was a very sad day, watching my grandparents cry as he went into the ground. Everyone took turns getting up to speak. I did as well, but it took so much courage for me to get up there in front of everyone and not bawl and bawl and bawl. I have never seen so many grown men cry in my life until that day. I tried so hard not to bawl but when he went into the ground I lost it, everyone did. We waited until he was buried and smoked a joint on his grave and planted some flowers even though it was freezing and raining and cold. I really did everything I could to make sure he had a proper burial. The celebration of life was a week later, another day we had to put fake smiles on our faces and socialize. What is amazing is how many people it united. But it comes back to The Butterfly Effect, if I would have said hey lets hangout. If I would have been on that road ten minutes later, because I was right fucking there right before it happened. If anyone else would have said they would go and he would have left earlier. Most importantly, if they would have taken him to a hospital and actually tried to do something instead of letting him lay there until his pulse stopped and then throwing him into a body bag. I will never, ever forget him and will never let his legacy die.

[nanabeats]

Stealing a thing!

Stealing this from @a-kitsuneet-and-a-cybele, but instead just answering things down the list that I can or feel comfortable enough answering

1:Full name Alice Armstrong.

2:Age 22, last I checked

3: Fears? Mostly anxiety-related things, but something you might not expect is a fear of silence. Better dead than deaf, imo

4: 3 things I love I’mma be a dork and list @daxreythaak here. Also, music and good  food

5: 4 turns on Nope! Try again later.

6: 4 turns off Bad grammar, low intelligence, persistent clinginess,  and big egos.

7:My best friend Not answering this because it’s not a competition

8:Sexual orientation Yes.

9:My best first date Uhm. Dates? Right, people do those...

10:How tall am I 6′3

11:What do I miss Headshots. Every time. 

12:What time were I born Grammar o’clock. 3:44 AM, I think?

13:Favourite color Purple

14:Do I have a crush No, though I might go get one from the gas station. Orange sounds tasty right about now

15:Favourite quote This changes based on the day. Give me a topic, I’ll come up with something quotable for it

16:Favourite place My bed

17:Favourite food Knowing that Dax is reading this right now, General Tso’s chicken is fucking delicious

18:Do I use sarcasm? Never. Is there any other answer to this?

19:What am I listening to right now: Ga1ahad and the Scientific Witchery by Mili. @grexion just put it on in Plug. https://plug.dj/makais-shipyard

20:First thing I notice in new person: Hair

21:Shoe size Big

22:Eye color Blue with hazel flecks, or hazel with a blue ring around it. Depends on who you ask

23:Hair color? Very very brown

24:Favourite style of clothing? Simple.

25:Kiss someone that starts with the letter “R”? No/

27:Meaning behind my URL I wanted Foxy-thoughts but it was taken. Also foxes. And thoughts. And personal blog. Pretty self explanitory

28:Kiss someone that starts with the letter “M”? Teeeeeeeeeechnically?

29:Favourite song: At the moment, Zenmajikake no Kami wa Kaku Katakiri by Automata Girl. If I haven’t posted it yet, I will tomorrow

30:Favourite band: Depends on the day, but Alstroemeria, Shibayan, and RD-Sounds are my top three

31:How I feel right now? On a scale of 1-10? Ask Ana mains how they feel about onetrick Genjis stuck in low Silver, and convert that to a number. 

32:Someone I love: Already tagged @daxreythaak

33:My current relationship status Taken by ^

34:My relationship with my parents? FUCK NO

35:Favourite holiday: yule/Winter Solstice 

36:Tattoos and piercing i have: None

37:Tattoos and piercing i want: None

38:The reason I joined Tumblr: Long story short, @the-cursed-swordsman is a fucking cool blog.

39:Do I and my last ex hate each other? Normally? No. Presently? Fucking pissed at him for something that happened an hour ago

40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? The latter, occasionally

41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? EW NO! She has 44 years on me and I could go on for ages ranting about why that’s a bad idea

42:When did I last hold hands? Either this morning, 8:30 AM or last night, 8:00 PM

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Depends on how long I’m given. On a day where I have nothing to do? Three to five hours. Emergency? Three to five seconds, depending on how quickly I can get my legs over the edge of the bed 

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? No

45:Where am I right now? Work

46:If I were drunk &; can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? The morgue. I don’t drink.

47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable. Normally.

48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad? I’d murder the former and the latter hasn’t been in my life for twelve years now. Thank god. No.

49:Am I excited for anything? POP|CULTURE 6, Alstroemeria Records

50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

51:How often do I wear a fake smile? Nope!

52:When was the last time I hugged someone? Today, 9-ish AM

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I’d be confused as hell...

54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Probably

55:What is something I disliked about today? Everything but Plug and so far, this list

56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Nah, I’m content as I am

57:What do I think about most? Anxiety things!

58:What’s my strangest talent? I guess I can kick myself in the face if I want to? Don’t ask how I learned that or where I got a prize for it?

59:Do I have any strange phobias? Silence

60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind.

61:What was the last lie I told? “Fine, I won’t drag you into this discussion”.

62:Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Chatting online. I hate phone calls.

63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? If they exist, they exist. If they eventually matter, they eventually matter.  However, they do not matter to me at this moment, therefore they are not something I am concerned with

64:Do I believe in magic? To an extent

65:Do I believe in luck? Aye

66:What’s the weather like right now? Cloudy

67:What was the last book I’ve read? The Iron Druid Chronicles book two, Hexed, I think?

68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? No?

69:Do I have any nicknames? Plenty

70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Rolled my ankle once. Hurt worse than the road rash from ditching my bike when a car cut me off, so probably more severe. I don’t get injured. I get sick.

71:Do I spend money or save it? Spend...

72:Can I touch my nose with a tounge? With someone else’s, yes

73:Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Grammar. And no.

74:Favourite animal? DO YOU HAVE TO ASK?

75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Getting ready for bed. The night before that? Talking to people

76:What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Zhou.

77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7xai5u_tnk

78:How can you win my heart? Nope!

79:What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Something that other people will see as fitting

80:What is my favorite word?

81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr

82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

83:Do I have any relatives in jail?

84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

86:What is my current desktop picture? I have entire folder of these that I could share sometime if anyone wants me to.

87:Had sex? Yes

88:Bought condoms? Yes

89:Gotten pregnant? No

90:Failed a class? Only once, when sabotaged by my mother. I was still one of the best students in that class

91:Kissed a boy? Aye

92:Kissed a girl? Yup

93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? I think so?

94:Had job? Kinda

95:Left the house without my wallet? Who needs a wallet when you’re broke?

96:Bullied someone on the internet? Yes

97:Had sex in public? Kinda

98:Played on a sports team? No

99:Smoked weed? Not actively, though my stepdad was a dealer and the house always smelled of it

100:Did drugs? HELL no

101:Smoked cigarettes? Nope

102:Drank alcohol? Kinda, leaning no.

103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No.

104:Been overweight? Aye

105:Been underweight? No

106:Been to a wedding? Once

107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Frequently

108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight? When younger

109:Been outside my home country? Yes

110:Gotten my heart broken? Kinda?

111:Been to a professional sports game? Twice

112:Broken a bone? No

113:Cut myself? Never intentionally. I’ve cut myself ON things, but I’ve never self-harmed

114:Been to prom? And hated the picture from it

115:Been in airplane? No

116:Fly by helicopter? No

117:What concerts have I been to? I’d rather not...

118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? What part of “Sexuality? Yes.” do you not get? Yes.

119:Learned another language? Partially

120:Wore make up? Yes

121:Lost my virginity before I was 18? No, actually

122:Had oral sex? Yes

123:Dyed my hair? It would kill me

124:Voted in a presidential election? No, the only one that I’ve been old enough to vote in was the most recent one, and at that point I was stuck in legal limbo between two counties and couldn’t get to where I was registered

125:Rode in an ambulance? No

126:Had a surgery? Not yet

127:Met someone famous? Kinda?

128:Stalked someone on a social network? Kinda

129:Peed outside? Yes

130:Been fishing? Yes

131:Helped with charity? Yes

132:Been rejected by a crush? Kinda? But not really.

133:Broken a mirror? Yes

134:What do I want for birthday? A “my” in this question. Also for people not to pay attention to it. Or maybe a new laptop would be nice

135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Five. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Never. And Fat Chance. Really though, please no kids

136:Was I named after anyone? No

137:Do I like my handwriting? No

138:What was my favourite toy as a child? I don’t remember

139:Favourite Tv Show? Presently? Rick and Morty, though I watch it online.

140:Where do I want to live when older? Somewhere peaceful

141:Play any musical instrument? No

142:One of my scars, how did I get it? Set my hand on a broken mirror.

143:Favourite pizza toping? Topping. Bacon?

144:Am I afraid of the dark? No

145:Am I afraid of heights? Kinda?

146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Gotten caught? Almost. Once. Though it wasn’t “bad”, per-se. My mother walked into my room unannounced during my first ever orgasm. That was... Interesting. She still doesn’t know about this.

147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Aye

148:What I’m really bad at: Lots of things

149:What my greatest achievments are

150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I don’t really hold on to things like that

151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery Invest

152:What do I like about myself: Well, I’m a fairly influential person when I choose to be, and I’m fairly good at pulling through tough spots

153:My closest Tumblr friend Not a contest, so not answering

154:Something I fantasise about: [REDACTED]

[michaelcmunis]

let's be honest

1) name: michael

2) age: 15

3) three fears: attractive people, blushing, and being forgotten

4) three things i love: being on the phone having an amusing conversation even if the topic is stupid, i love eyes and their colors, and listening/watching a thunderstorm.

5) four turn ons: biting my bottom lip, having the person on my lap grinding, heavy breathing, SOMETIMES sexting.

6) four turn offs: talking too much about your ex, talking shit about your ex, bad breath, poor hygiene.

7) my best friend: i have like… three.

8) sexual orientation: pansexual

9) best first date: going to the movies

10) my height: five foot four inches

11) what do i miss: wendy’s

12) what time was i born: idk how ik this but i was born at 4:12 pm

13) favorite color: blue or black

14) do i have a crush: yes

15) favorite quote: “i don’t need a piece of paper saying i succeeded, i just need food.” ~ shane dawson

16) favorite place: my bed

17) favorite food: ramen

18) do i use sarcasm: EVERY CHANCE I GET

19) what am i listening to right now: certain things by james arthur

20) first things i notice in a person: eyes

21) shoe size: 8 men

22) eye color: hazel

23) hair color: brown but it gets lighter in the summer

24) favorite style of clothing: grunge clothing can be cool, but i also like basic clothes, idk i’m boring

25) ever done a prank call: yes, that was my childhood

26) meaning behind my url: it’s literally my first name, middle initial, then last name

27) favorite movie: mr. nobody, it doesn’t make any sense until the very end

28) favorite song: can i be him by james arthur

29) favorite band: maroon 5

30) how i feel right now: kind of lonely, excited but upset that i have to leave soon

31) someone i love: all three of my best friends

32) my current relationship status: taken

33) my relationship with my parents: i have a pretty good life with my mom and stepdad, my bio dad kind of gave up on me because i’m trans and my stepdad took his place

34) favorite holiday: christmas

35) tattoos and piercings i have: none atm

36) tattoos and piercings i want: i kind of want sleeves, i want some of my dad’s tattoos, and for piercings… i’m not really a huge fan, i kind of want a tongue piercing and maybe an industrial bar.

37) reason i joined tumblr: oh boy… i stan ryan stalvey so i decided i wanted to see what tumblr’s about, and i got sucked in, i’m on this more than all of my other apps.

38) do me and my last ex hate each other: oh god no, we’re on great terms

39: do i ever get good morning or good night texts: yes

40) have i ever kissed the last person i texted: almost

41) when did i last hold hands: i have no fucking clue

42) how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: like fifteen minutes, because i skip breakfast

43) have i shaved my legs within the last three days: lmao i haven’t shaved my legs in like a year

44) where am i right now: in my room

45) if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’d help me: my dd

46) do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level: i used to blast my music in my headphones but i started to lose hearing so i like it at a reasonable level

47) do i live with my mom AND dad: no, my parents divorced when i was barely two, i live with my mom

48) am i excited for anything: well i’m waiting on my sixteenth birthday so that i can start taking testosterone

49) do i have someone of the opposite sex/gender i can tell everything to: yes

50) how often do i wear a fake smile: i don’t even attempt to fake a smile, i have a plain expression most of the time

51) when was the last time i hugged someone: last friday, the 23rd??

52) what if the last person i kissed were to kiss someone else in front of me: they’re dead to me, i’d never talk to him again

53) is there anyone i trust even though I shouldn’t: i have trust issues so i either believe you or don’t

54) what is something i disliked about today: coming inside sweating my ass off because i mowed the lawn

55) if i could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be: the new dog my dad got but eeeee

56) what do i think about the most: food

57) what’s my strangest talent: i once picked up a quarter with my toes

58) do i have any strange phobias: if i blush and someone comments on it i get very defensive and embarrassed, and i’m also afraid of talking to people i find attractive, i either stutter a lot or have way too much confidence.

59) do i prefer to be behind or in front of the camera: behind!

60) what was the last lie i told: i’m almost done with my summer projects

61) do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online: i like facetime even though i’m on pause a lot of the time

62) do i believe in ghosts/aliens: not ghosts, but i do believe in aliens

63) do i believe in magic: no because i know how it works

64) do i believe in luck: not really

65) what’s the weather like right now: hot as fuck

66) what was the last book i’ve read: history of the world in six glasses

67) do i like the smell of gasoline: not really

68) do i have any nicknames: mike, mikey, meekle (i hate that one), and monkey but only my mom can call me that

69) what was the worst injury i’ve ever had: i’ve been stabbed, i have the scar on my stomach and i have no idea how i lived

70) do i save money or spend it: depends on how much i have

71) can i touch my nose with my tongue: no

72) is there anything pink within ten feet of me: no

73) favorite animal: cat

74) what was i doing last night at 12 am: playing mario bros on the wii

75) what do i think satan’s last name is: what kind of question is this… idfk

76) what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it: every song puts me in my feelings, not really happy feelings, but idk

77) how can you win my heart: buy me food

78) what would i want written on my tombstone: game over in pixelated letters

79) what’s my favorite word: fuck

80) my top five blogs on tumblr: ryan stalvey, his boyfriend, my friend’s blog, my boyfriend’s blog, and ryan’s nsfw blog

81) if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say: get your shit together

82) do i have any relatives in jail: not that i know of

83) what super power would i chose: teleportation so i don’t have to worry about getting rides or paying for gas in the future

84) what would be a question i’d be afraid to tell the truth on: when i’m in the doctor’s office and they ask if i’m a virgin or if i’m sexually active and my mom’s in the room, i lie every single time

85) what’s my current desktop picture: i don’t have a computer but my phone’s screensaver is a grid of crystals

86) had sex: yup

87) bought condoms: yup

88) gotten pregnant: nope

89) failed a class: nope

90) kissed a boy: yes

91) kissed a girl: yes

92) have i ever kissed someone in the rain: not sure on that one

93) had a job: NO, I’M TRYING TO GET ONE BUT THE PLACE IS BEING DIFFICULT AS FUCK

94) left the house without my wallet: yeah

95) bullied someone on the internet: no, i’m not that shallow

96) had sex in public: oh god no

97) played on a sports team: yes

98) smoked weed: yup

99) did drugs: yeah?

100) smoked cigarettes: never have never will

101) drank alcohol: yes

102) am i a vegetarian or a vegan: HELL no

103) been overweight: practically my whole life

104) been underweight: nope

105) been to a wedding: yes

106) been on the computer for five hours straight: yeah

107) watched tv for five hours straight: yeah

108) been outside my home country: yes

109) gotten my heart broken: smh yeah but i did it to myself

110) been to a professional sports game: yes

111) broken a bone: no

112) cut myself: djfkwmdtkwo

113) been to prom: 8th grade prom

114) been on an airplane: yes

115) been in a helicopter: no

116) what concerts have i been two: p!nk the truth about love

117) had a crush on someone of the same sex: yes

118) learned/learning a new language: yes, spanish

119) wore make up: unfortunately

120) lost my virginity before i was eighteen: unfortunately

121) had/given oral sex: yes

122) dyed my hair: yes

123) voted in a presidential election: nah because all the candidates are trash now, but i was too young to vote for obama both terms

124) rode in an ambulance: yeah

125) had a surgery: not yet

126) met someone famous: yes

127) stalked someone on social media: yup

128) peed outside: yup

129) been fishing: yes

130) helped with charity: yeah but i hated it because the people were old and rude

131) been rejected by a crush: ohhh yeahhh it sucked

132) broken a mirror: no

133) what i want for my birthday: to start cross hormone therapy

[shovelthefries]

🅰️ll 🅾️f theⓂ️

1: Namealex2: Agetwenty one pilots minus three3: 3 Fearshaving to install ubunturunning out of gaseverything on my hard drive getting corrupted, because that would mean reinstalling ubuntu 4: 3 things I lovedogs, drones, and bikes!5: 4 turns onconfidence, really good hair, a ticket to PyCon 2018, mccree6: 4 turns offwhen someone presses the power button again, all four of them7: My best friendhigh exarch turalyon8: Sexual orientationbi(cycle)9: My best first datewhat counts as a date10: How tall am Ifive even, i'm pretty useful in the home depot lumber section11: What do I missbeing in the robotics shop12: What time were I born6:12 pm, an unholy number 13: Favorite colorbloo14: Do I have a crushi think so 15: Favorite quote"everything dies, baby that's a factbut maybe everything that dies some day comes back"16: Favorite placeanywhere that i can pass out on17: Favorite foodnoodles, but also i had a really good brisket sandwich at my dad's place today it was like a healthy burger18: Do I use sarcasmno not at all19: What am I listening to right nowatlantic city by bruce springsteen the boss20: First thing I notice in new personif i can take them in a fight 21: Shoe sizesix but if you pay me, i can go up to a twelve 22: Eye colorbrown, apparently one that is abnormal for asians23: Hair colormidnight caramel24: Favorite style of clothingmessy, it's actually the new fad25: Ever done a prank call?no because i lose my shit in the first five seconds27: Meaning behind my URLits what i called the cheval de fries defense in 2016 because I'm Funny28: Favorite movieterminator 2 probably29: Favorite songthunder road but if it wasn't springsteen i'd probably say wish you were here/the final cut by pink floyd or read my mind by the killers. but listen that's like making me choose between my children30: Favorite banduGH what did I just say, pink floyd is up there i guess31: How I feel right nowtired, headachey, racing against hypothetical julia in answering this ask32: Someone I lovealleria windrunner33: My current relationship statustaken like bacon34: My relationship with my parentsits gotten better for sure35: Favorite holidayfourth of july because its warm36: Tattoos and piercing i havei'm bare and unstabbed37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti probably want a tattoo but idk what38: The reason I joined Tumblrprobably pjo fanart39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?well i certainly don't hate them40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?i get steaks, uchicago kid tells me good night after his last lame bot game of league41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?don't think i've kissed joseph42: When did I last hold hands?today, a few hours ago43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?not long if you don't count actually getting up44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?what is hair45: Where am I right now?my bed46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?either emma or art major au hanzo 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?well i like having working eardrums 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?hell yeah i do49: Am I excited for anything?really excited to go to work and have no one be there tomorrow50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?yeah 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?i'm always wearing a fake smile52: When was the last time I hugged someone?probably today53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?depends on the situation 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?probably not i'd cut it off by now55: What is something I disliked about today?the rain was being a dickhole56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?i think we already know the answer57: What do I think about most?what i should be doing58: What’s my strangest talent?i have no talents 59: Do I have any strange phobias?yeah 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?i prefer to eat the camera61: What was the last lie I told?"dark souls is a good game"62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?i hear carrier pigeons are making a comeback63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts? possible. aliens? yeah.64: Do I believe in magic?yeah i exist65: Do I believe in luck?no but my moms superstitions has made me paranoid of it66: What's the weather like right now?shitty and wet 67: What was the last book I've read?inheritance, again68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?not really69: Do I have any nicknames?alex is a particularly infamous one70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?either when i burned myself or when i found out my ubuntu installation didn't come with backlights71: Do I spend money or save it?hmmmmmm72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?i can touch my lip with my tongue 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?yeah there's my pink work shirt74: Favorite animal?tiger75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?probably vacuuming76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Adobe Experience Manager77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?born to run 78: How can you win my heart?tolerate me79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?"please rez me"80: What is my favorite word?pachyderm81: My top 5 blogs on tumblruh i dont even know the blog names anymore 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?good night i am sleepy83: Do I have any relatives in jail?probably some in china84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?flying like a stealth drone, so that i go at supersonic speeds and i'm also invisible85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?"have you been giving it your all"86: What is my current desktop picture?an alliance human and an orc duking it out87: Had sex?ye88: Bought condoms?no89: Gotten pregnant?pregnant with my dreams!!90: Failed a class?not officially91: Kissed a boy?almost92: Kissed a girl?i believe so93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?its happened i think94: Had job?many job95: Left the house without my wallet?not recently since i got my license96: Bullied someone on the internet?i don't have the time for that97: Had sex in public?nope98: Played on a sports team?robotics is a SPORT FOR THE MIND99: Smoked weed?first where would i get it100: Did drugs?nop101: Smoked cigarettes?n o p102: Drank alcohol?the ask meme got me there, yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?i don't think i could live104: Been overweight?no105: Been underweight?yeah 106: Been to a wedding?no 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?try ten hours108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?hm no109: Been outside my home country?yes #worldtraveler110: Gotten my heart broken?when the assassins creed revelations trailer came out and it ends with ezio's aged face being revealed i started crying111: Been to a professional sports game?that's too much112: Broken a bone?the bone that held my happiness113: Cut myself?nopee114: Been to prom?i had a date with my calculus workbook 115: Been in airplane?yes unfortunately 116: Fly by helicopter?no but it will happen117: What concerts have I been to?none concerts 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?hm idk119: Learned another language?yeah technically 120: Wore make up?i prefer my ugly vanilla look thank you very much121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?i guess yeah 122: Had oral sex?never performed it 123: Dyed my hair?like a phoenix, and then a passionate robotics member124: Voted in a presidential election?i was basically a baby in the eyes of the law before i could125: Rode in an ambulance?noooo126: Had a surgery?once as a baby, now as a mature adult who needed their wisdom teeth taken out127: Met someone famous?hell ye128: Stalked someone on a social network?nichols before i became friends with him129: Peed outside?very likely130: Been fishing?yeah it was fun131: Helped with charity?yeeee132: Been rejected by a crush?this implies that i take initiative133: Broken a mirror?twice due to somersaults134: What do I want for birthday?a cd with all my spotify music burned onto it