#I just realized. day 20-30 is gonna go crazy because of this art piece I’m finishing

[paragal]

Day 8: stand for the flag!

[horansqueen]

Stuck With You - Chapter 35

Chapter 35: Things I’ll Never Say

🡪chapter 1  🡪chapter 2  🡪chapter 3  🡪chapter 4  🡪chapter 5  🡪chapter 6  🡪chapter 7  🡪chapter 8  🡪chapter 9  🡪chapter 10  🡪chapter 11 🡪chapter 12 🡪chapter 13 🡪chapter 14 🡪chapter 15 🡪chapter 16 🡪chapter 17 🡪chapter 18 🡪chapter 19 🡪chapter 20 🡪chapter 21 🡪chapter 22 🡪chapter 23 🡪chapter 24 🡪chapter 25 🡪chapter 26 🡪chapter 27 🡪chapter 28 🡪chapter 29 🡪chapter 30 🡪chapter 31 🡪chapter 32  🡪chapter 33 🡪chapter 34

College Enemies To Lovers AU

characters // masterlist // instagrams // mood board

If I could say what I want to say I'd say I want to blow you, away Be with you every night Am I squeezing you too tight If I could say what I want to see I want to see you go down On one knee Marry me today Guess, I'm wishing my life away With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good It's just a waste of time What use is it to you What's on my mind If ain't coming out We're not going anywhere So why can't I just tell you that I care

click here to be on the update list

DEVON

                                                  I woke up with a groan and felt my head throb and ache just like it would do if I was hungover. I hadn't had a single drop even if I should have when I remembered the way I painted and for how long. I was pretty sure I had fallen asleep on the floor but when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Niall's pretty face very close to mine.

My heart jumped in my chest and my lips parted before I licked them. He was sleeping and he looked so peaceful and motionless that I started wondering if he was actually breathing. I slipped my hand under the cover to reach for his naked chest and held my breath at how warm his skin was. It was a miracle my cold hand didn't wake up up but I still waited a few seconds, trying to feel his heart beating in his chest.

Every time I looked at him, I felt something twist in my stomach. I knew he wanted us to be official and if I listened to my heart, that's what I wanted too, but risking it was so scary I couldn't find the courage to give in to his request. I thought about Henry and how he had broken me, and I thought about Abby and how Niall could break me even more. There was no was I could heal my heart if he hurt me, it would be turned to complete dust and I knew it.

I found myself jealous of the way Niall was in love with Abby, and how he would have done anything for her. I was jealous of a past relationship of the man I had refused to date and I hated myself for it. I knew it wasn't rational and that it made no sense but I couldn't help it.

Perhaps, if I had met Niall before I met Henry... maybe if he had met me before he met Abby... In that specific case, maybe we could give each other the chance and the love we both deserved. The problem was that we both went through the exact same thing, or almost, and apparently, two persons who went through the same thing can understand each other, but can't help each other. I didn't know how true that saying was but I had heard it enough to hear it echo in my head every time I wanted to love again.

I brought my hand up to his face and brushed my fingertips on his cheek so softly that I felt a shiver run in my back. One of my fingers reached his bottom lip and I felt myself tear up. I had never met in my life a man like Niall and he was slipping through my fingers because of my fears and anticipations. It was unfair, and it was stupid, but the knot in my stomach was there permanently and I couldn't make it disappear. All the feelings that came back when I saw Henry again made me remember how bad love hurts and at that exact moment, laying in bed in front of Niall, I knew it was true.

I desperately wanted to kiss him but I knew he didn't want us to do anything anymore so I just swallowed hard and got out of the bed slowly. I searched for my painting and found it on the desk in a corner of the room, sighing low. I hated it and started nibbling on my bottom lip, trying to remember that I always hated my art in the first few days after making it, and that it was normal. Besides, artists are the worst critics of their own art.

I heard Niall move in bed and turned around just in time to see him reach for a pillow and bring it against him. He let out a short whimper and it made me wonder if he would have cuddled me if I was still in bed. I shook my head, trying to push that thought away, and finally search for a pen in the room, finally finding one in one of the drawers. I sat on the couch and started scribbling a few words on a paper. I really sucked at writing songs, but I could clearly remember a melody, especially one that really touched me, and it came in handy at that moment.

When I was done, I re-read what was written on the paper and raised my nose up before sighing again and folding the sheet, putting it away in my bag. I decided to take a quick shower to take the paint off my arms and face and when I walked back in the room, Niall was awake. I stopped walking and held my breath at the sight of his naked back. It's not like I had never seen Niall only wearing boxers but perhaps knowing I'm never get to touch him again made something twist in my stomach.

"Oh, hey." he let out when he turned around. "How did you sleep?"

I wanted to tell him that I slept better than I had in a while, if only because he was with me in the same bed. When I woke up, I felt the warmth of his body emanate on mine even if we weren't touching and I loved it way too much. I couldn't tell him that it would have been even better if he was holding me all night, but I wanted to, because I felt it all over my body. I felt it so intensely that I had to swallow a lump in my throat.

"Was nice, and you?"

"Good, thanks." he said, putting on sweatpants. "Better than the floor."

I sent him a small smile that he sent back and I licked my lips. "Thanks for bringing me in bed and tucking me in, last night. I vaguely remember."

"You're welcome, Devie."

I felt my heart flutter at the nickname and I realized I'd never get over it.

"So, you're going skiing today?"

"Snowboarding, yea." he let out, searching for his stuff in his bags. "You're gonna join us downstairs in a few hours?"

I nodded quickly and pressed my lips together as I stared at him. I loved how he moved around the room like it was just a random day and we were just used tp be around each other like that. To some extent, we were, since we shared the same room on campus, but it felt slightly different at that moment, more intimate, maybe. I let my mind wander, imagining what it would be like if we ended up dating and living together. Was that what I would see in the morning before he actually went to work?

"Okay, I'm ready. I'll see you later?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Mmhm." I nodded as I imagined him walking closing to me and bending down to kiss me.

Why did I like this scenario so much it made my heartbeats accelerate? I watched him leave and when the door closed behind him, I felt extremely empty and lonely. I got up after a few minutes and walked to my painting again, running my fingertips slowly on the colors I had used. Was it crazy to start painting with light colors so early after a break up? I turned my head to look at the door, hoping it would open again as my heart thumped hard in my chest. It was Niall, I knew it. It was him that brought in me all these new emotions and I liked it so much I felt myself tear up.

Without thinking, I searched through my bag and found a few pictures I had taken. I had taken the time to develop them by myself in the college darkroom and I had loved the result. Despite myself, the lights had added a few pale yellow spots and it looked amazing. At first, I wanted to numerize them and modify them but I realized I didn't need to.

I sat in bed and looked at them carefully. There were no full faces on any of them. My favorite was one of  Niall's naked shoulder with a bit of his back and hair. We could also see the top of my head and part of my forehead in it too as I lied down beneath him, and his fingers were slipped in my hair. I had no idea why this specific shot made me feel emotional but it was strong and it made something twist in my chest.

I got up and grabbed the piece of paper I had put in my bag earlier before I walked to the desk, sitting down in front of it. Slowly and carefully, I copied the lyrics I had scribbled while Niall was asleep behind the picture, along with a few lyrics that didn't belong to me. I had taken a lot of pictures in my life, but nothing like this one. Perhaps it was only because it meant so much to me... because he meant so much to me. It actually made me want to pain that picture and I quickly grabbed a blank canvas from my stuff before grabbing a pen. I was never really good at drawing people, I felt like the human body was too complex to draw, but I decided to make an exception this time. It didn't really matter anyway. When I'd add paint, the forms wouldn't be as defined and even if I knew nothing could be better than the actual picture, I felt like not painting it would eat me up inside.

I couldn't tell how long it took me but when I didn't stop until I was done. Normally, a painting like that could take me many days to create but somehow, it had turned out the way I wanted after only a few hours. I left it on the floor and decided to finally take an other shower, if only to take the paint from my hands, arms and face. I got out and quickly dressed before checking my phone. I had no message and I raised my nose up, telling myself they were probably busy skiing but I still decided to get downstairs, to the common living room. I loved how all the couches were placed with a fireplace in the middle. The first thing that made my heart jump in my chest was a laughter. I recognized it because I had to hear it for hours on a certain night and every time, it made my heart drop in my chest. Today was no exception. My eyes roamed around and found Abby who was laughing, throwing her head back. She was still wearing her beanie and coat and when I noticed Niall was the one she was talking with, I felt nauseous. He laughed too before taking a sip of his drink and Abby moved closer, placing her hand on his arm and letting it slip down.

I swallowed hard, knowing it probably meant nothing but telling myself that if this simple gesture made me feel like that, I'd never be able to be around Niall if he was dating an other girl, especially if that girl was Abby.

I held my breath and my lips parted when Niall turned around and our eyes met. I felt myself tear up and shook my head lightly before turning on my heels and leaving. I tried to keep my tears in, knowing it was ridiculous to be sad for that, and just as I was reaching the elevator, I felt his warm hand on my arm.

"Hey, Devie, where are you going?" he asked softly as I turned around. His face changed when he saw mine and took a step closer. "Woah, what's wrong, why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying!" I let out a bit too roughly, taking a step back. "I didn't want to annoy you while you were flirting with your ex girlfriend."

"Devie, we weren't flirting." he argued. "At least, I was not."

"She was all over you." I just replied.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "So? That's what Abby does! Besides, you're texting with Henry and I haven't thrown a tantrum about it!"

"I'm not texting with Henry, what are you talking about?"

"You told me he messaged you when we were at my apartment!" he pointed out, making me frown.

"Yes! But I never said I answered him!" I let out a but louder. "Because I didn't!"

His face changed, his traits softened and he took a step closer. "You didn't?"

His voice was low and gentle and it calmed me instantly.

"No. I want to move on from him, I don't love him anymore."

Once again, Niall took a step closer and took his beanie off. I felt my lips curl very slightly on the light at the sight of his hair and he quickly passed his hand in it, messing it even more. He looked so pretty I felt my head tilt a bit on the right.

"If... If it makes you feel better, I don't have feelings for Abby anymore either. I can't even understand why I ever was in love with her." he added with a shrug. "Not that you really care, because you don't love me like that, right?"

I stared at him and blinked a few times, trying to decide what I was supposed to say. I could be mad at him but I loved the way he was looking at me, as if I was the only person that mattered in the world, as if he was about to jump on me to make me feel all the damn feelings he had for me inside him.

"Did I say that?" I just asked with an amused smile before licking my lip, taking a step back.

"Hey, stay with us, we were about to go out for dinner." he quickly proposed as we heard the doors of the elevator open. "You came here to spend time with your friends, right?"

My eyes roamed on him and I finally nodded. "Alright."

----

Niall was still telling me a story when we walked back in our room. It was late but neither of us really cared. I had a small talk with Louis who presented me his new girlfriend Eleanor, and I immediately liked her. Lewis was funny and the way Daxia looked at him made me happy. I tried not to give too much attention to Noah but he still bought me a drink and we had a small chat. All I wanted, though, was to be close to Niall, and I ended up scared he'd be annoyed that I followed him better than his own shadow. At some point, he had placed his hand on my thigh, moving closer to me to ask me if I wanted an other drink, but all I could think about was the fact that he was touching me.

We didn't drink too much though and when we closed the door of our room behind us, I was laughing because he was funny, and not because I was tipsy. He turned around and took a few steps back as I followed him, but when his lips curled into a cheeky smile, it made me frown.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked, unable to stop smiling.

"Are you tired?"

I frowned more but it only made his smile bigger. "Mm, no. Why?"

"Do you trust me?"

That question took me by surprise but I didn't have to ask myself the question. The answer came naturally. "Yes."

And I trusted him. I trusted him more than I trusted pretty much anyone, and it was one of the things that scared me in this relationship, whatever it was.

"Thank you." he just whispered, holding out his hand to me.

I breathed in but still slipped my palm on his and quickly, he pulled me out of the room. Instead to take the elevators, he brought me to the stairs and we ran down until the main floor, stopping abruptly in front of a door. I held my breath as Niall opened it very slowly, peeking out for a few seconds and finally holding his hand back for me. I grabbed it and he turned around to look in my eyes, bringing his finger on his lips to tell me to keep quiet. I nodded and followed him on the other side of the door until we reached a second door. He tried to open it but groaned and raised his nose up when he realized it was locked.

"Fuck."

I moved to look through the window and my lips curled when I noticed a pool. The lights of the room were off but there were a few at the bottom of the pool and the sight was great.

"I'm gonna try to steal the keys." he added, taking me out of my thoughts and making me blink.

"No wait!" I stopped him in a whisper, holding his arm. "What if you get caught?"

He sent me a small smile and his eyes roamed on my face before he shook his head. "Don't worry."

He left and I felt my hand slip from his arm. I held my breath and remained motionless as I waited for him to come back and it seemed to take forever. When he appeared again, my heart jumped in my chest, scared that it could be someone else, but he stopped right in front of me as I raised my eyebrows. A smirk quickly draw itself on his lips and he moved his hand up, showing me a  keychain with at least 20 keys on it.

"Okay, I'm impressed." I admitted low, making him chuckle.

It took him a few tries and he finally unlocked the door. We walked in slowly and when he closed the door behind us, I turned around to look at him.

"I don't have a swimsuit." I admitted, tilting my head.

"You have underwear." he chuckled, making me raise my eyebrows. "What? Nothing I haven't seen, isn't it what you said the other day?"

I pressed my lips together and moved my chin in his direction. "You, first."

He chuckled again and without hesitation, grabbed the bottom of his shirt, moving it over his head. I let my eyes travel on his chest as he worked on the button and zipper of his jeans, finally taking them off along with his socks. He looked way too good, illuminated by the soft lights in the pool, and my heart skipped a beat. I moved my gaze up until my eyes met his again and he sent me a soft smile.

"Your turn."

[voletapril02]

The Doctor Will See You Now Ch.2

Summary: You are an established artist living in New York. You just got out of a brake up when you physically collide with a handsome doctor that saves you from almost getting hit by a car. ever since then your electric connection is undeniable. But will it be enough to withstand the trouble that could be lurking just around the corner?

 Warnings: Cursing, suggestive conversation, Slow Burn

 Pairings: Chris Evans X Reader, Y/N X Chris Evans

 Word Count: 2,130

 ** Loosely Edited/ Proofread**

 **This is my first fic so please be kind. I plan on making this a series**

 **The photos and the artwork are not mine**

After your near death experience last week you have been taking it easy all week. However, it worked in your favor since your art show was coming up. You just stayed in your apartment and painted all day which was honestly your idea of a vacation. Ever since you saw your mystery man the other day you haven't been able to stop thinking about him. This was a nice change since you were still trying to forget about Evan and everything you guys had planned. You were siting in your at home art studio. When you first moved to New York it was almost impossible to find a space that was big enough for you and Evan that could also double as a work space for you that didn't cost a fortune. So you and him were able to swing the rent for a studio space that was just for you a few blocks from the apartment, It was half a floor of an abandoned warehouse. It had good light which was all you really cared about.

It also gave you a space that was just your own to work and clear your head. However, when you and him split you couldn't afford the two places on your own. So you sold the apartment you too shared and you moved into your work studio since it was a good size for one person and all your work. You sat in font of your easel with your hair in a messy bun and scarf over your head to keep your baby hairs down. You were wearing your painting jean jumpsuit since it was covered now caked in paint after all these years. You were about to take a break from painting when your phone buzzed. You read it and it said you had a message from an unknown number. Intrigued you picked up your phone and to your surprise the message read,

 "Hey, Y/N it's your favorite doctor (; "

 The message made you smile since you didn't expect him to reach out. Yeah he said he would but he was so damn fine that you figured you knew his type. He was smart, funny and not to mention sexy as hell. There was no way he was gonna follow up with some girl he had just met on the street. It wasn’t that you were insecure or anything you knew you were a beautiful woman. You had a beautiful caramel complexion, long curly hair, beautiful brown eyes, and curves in all the right places. You just got the sense that he wasn't the kind of guy who would value what you had to offer. And you weren’t sure you were ready for the things you were sure he was more than willing to offer.

 "I don’t know if I would say 'favorite' doctor lol. But definitely in the top 10"

 "Ouch that hurt, but ill take what I can get. However, today is your luck day since I have the perfect way you can make it up to me (; "

 "And what exactly did you have in mind?"

  You were nervous to see his reply because you were praying the next message wouldn't be a full screen dick pic. He didn't seem like that much of a douche but it certainly wouldn’t be the first time you had been caught off guard by those things. You held your breath as the three little dots popped up and then he finally said,

 "I was I would take you up on that offer to make me a custom piece, I'm free for lunch tomorrow around 12:30 "

 You were shocked since you were in no way expecting him to actually take you up on your offer. However, he had saved you life so it was the least you could do. Plus it would give you an excuse to dress up for once since you spent most of your time working at him and just being at home in general.

 " Sounds great, there is this really great coffee shop around the corner from me that is usually pretty chill. We can go there if you want"

 "Sounds great see you then, goodnight (:"

  Reading his "Goodnight" text made you look at the clock, you hadn’t realized it was so late until now but it was almost 1:00 am. It wasn't uncommon for you to get caught up in your work like this so you weren't shocked. You decided to go ahead and go to bed since you had to get up early in the morning. You decided that you would wake up around 6:00 am so you could get a few hours of work in before you had to get ready to meet him. You were excited, even though it wasn't a date it was the first time you would actually be adulting since everything, it also didn’t hurt that he was fairly since to look at.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Buzz- Buzz - Buzz

 You heard the irritating noise and slowly stirred from your sleep, this was your favorite part of the day. The large windows in you apartment allowed you to see the city before it woke up. Before everyone was in a hurry to get every where and meet deadlines. You really did love the city, it was where you felt at home and as though any thing was possible. After you made your morning coffee you sat back in front of your easel you finished the last painting that was to go in your series next week for the art show. The whole show was centered around femininity and the female body the way you saw it. You had always wanted to do a series like this since you always wanted to show the female body from your perspective.

 After that you got ready for your lunch you got dressed  in a lavender sweater and ripped jeans. You didn't want to look like you tried too hard, but you also wanted to look decent. You felt like you had found the right outfit for meeting him.

On your way out the door you got a phone call from your best friend Naria. You and her grew up together, you were basically sisters. Which worked for you since you were the only girl among three brothers.

"Hey babe, what's up" she  asked

"Nothing I was just heading out the door to meet that guy I told you about, the one you saved me from being sidewalk paint"

 "Ohh, so you're going to meet doctor love? And jut when were you doing to tell me about this" She asked with a knowing tone

 "Shut up, there is nothing to tell. I told him I would make him a custom piece a way of saying thank you"

 "And I'm sure he wouldn't mind you seeing his 'custom piece', that would sure be one hell of a thank you that's for sure"  you both erupted in laughter at her hilarious innuendo.

 "You're crazy and I have to go before you make me late" you laughed

 " Okay but if I come by there later and you're having trouble walking, don't say I didn't warn you"

 You were appalled at her joke, she was crazy but you loved her.

 "Goodbye" you laughed as you hung up the phone.

 It was 12:20 and you walked into the coffee shop looking around for him, you didn’t see him so you were about to  grab your phone from your purse when you heard some ne clear their throat from be hind you. Thinking you were in someone's way you moved and immediately began apologizing.

"Oh I'm sorry, am I in your wa-"

Just as you turned around you say him standing there looking delicious.

  You hadn't realized you were staring until he looked at you with a knowing smirk. You needed to get your shit together if you were gonna get through this lunch. Before you could embarrass yourself further you smiled at him and greeted him by putting a hand out since you wanted to go ahead and put out your boundaries.

"Hey how are you?" you asked waiting for him to accept your offer of a handshake

He looked down at the handshake than back at you, reluctantly he shook your hand. You couldn't figure out why he looked almost disappointed.

 "Good how are you?" he smiled

 "Good" you responded

  You too stood there shaking hands and looking at each other, both of you equally lost in the eyes of the other.

 "Miss?" you heard a waitress call to you

  This broke your concentration on him and caused you to let go of his hand.

 "Yes" you responded 

 Turning your head to the young red head.

 "Your table is ready, just follow me"

 You nodded looking back at him as if to ask if he heard. He outstretched his arm as the waitress lead the way and you followed her. She brought you to your table and left you too alone after she got your drink orders. You too were alone again. You hated the awkward silence, so you immediately started going through your purse to look for your sketchbook.

 " So I was thinking you could describe your style or what your looking for and I can sketch something up and then we can discus size and colors and-" he stopped you by touching your hand in order to get your attention.

 "I have to be honest with you about something. I don't really want you to paint something for me"

 Confused you scrunched your brows as if to ask why.

 "That came out wrong, I want you to paint me something , its just not the only reason that I asked you to lunch"

You then had an even more confused look on your face. He looked down as if he was trying to figure out exactly how to phrase his next statement.

 " I asked you to lunch because I think you're beautiful. To put it quite frankly I just wanted to see you again. That day that you almost got hit I had been following you"

 This frightened you, making you slowly pull your hand away from his as your breath got heavier.

 "No, no, no, not like the. Damn I'm so bad at talking. I had seen you leave that art museum, I was across the street about to hail a cab when I saw you. You were breath taking, I was trying to cross the street to come over and talk to you but then I saw the car headed your way and that’s when I ran over and pushed you out of the way. "

 After hearing  his explanation you were no longer afraid, you actually found it to be quite sweet.

 " You really are bad at talking" you joked

 " I was half way out the door when you first started"

 This made him laugh so hard he cupped his peck, which really showed just how strong he was. This gave you the opportunity to look at him. And I mean really look at him. His shoulders were broad and strong. His lips were plump and looked good enough to bite. And hid eyes, don’t even get you started on his eyes, You was so damn sexy all of a sudden you felt like a bitch in heat. You knew you had said that you wanted to maintain boundaries and all that but it wouldn't hurt to at least see where it could go with him. It didn't have to be love you told yourself but you sure as hell were entitled to a little bit if fun. He stopped laughing and looked at you had mad up your mind. You were gonna let him be your rebound, you figured he would be the perfect horse to get back on as many times as he could handle.

 "So what do you think we should do with this information?" you asked as slipped off your heel and used your foot to slowly drag it up his leg until you reached your desired destination. He looked shocked by what was going on under the lovely table cloth. For a moment you thought you had him all wrong, he seemed shyer than he did the day you met him. That was until he looked at you and leaned in close to you causing you foot to drop from his crotch.

 " I don't know that you could handle what I think we should do with it" he said was a crocked up eyebrow and a sly smirk.

  This caught you off guard and caused you breath to increase and quite frankly a tsunami between you thighs. For a moment earlier you thought you were in charge here. But ,damn were you in trouble.

"Try me" 

[unknowngirl199424-blog]

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

[stargazerinmoksha]

1. I should’ve bought more flowers for you, now I buy flowers even if today isn’t Valentine’s Day or a day with a specific meaning, in a way, every petal is imbued with an apology and every time someone leans in to smell it they can feel the parts of me that you’ve forgiven far long before I could 2. I didn’t start to feel better until I started to take better care of myself, a constant whisper of you saying “i was just worried about you” 3. You can’t let someone be your only source of happiness because once they’re gone, you’re all alone again and there’s nothing worse than starting all the way back over with yourself: square one of a broken heart multiplied by the intensity of she’s not coming back, let her go 4. Music will never betray me 5. Poetry is thinking that you’ve got it figured out and a metaphor is just your way of saying I don’t 6. Art rules the world and I am a masterpiece in progress; how can I love myself like how you did if I can’t see that little bit? 7. Lust isn’t conducive for growth, it’s like an addict trying to get his fix-- some day, he’s going to break and not even the drug can help him 8. I buy myself nice things, but I can’t fill this emptiness inside of my heart– I guess some nights, I just miss being next to you 9. I still can’t get used to sleeping alone 10. Sometimes I wish I would’ve picked up your phone calls during the first few months, I broke my promise and you know something? I regret it 11. I threw away our love letters and memories two months ago, I cried the whole time– yeah, still a fool for you, but baby, we’ve changed so much, I’m happy with my unhappy 12. You once told me to go on many adventures without you, did you account for my depression? You know, I don’t blame you for any of this. In reality it was always an us thing, a too young thing, a stupid, mad love thing– as always, I still love you, I just don’t know what love is anymore 13. They were right, soulmates touch you and they change you forever– the moment a colorful paint filled brush hits the water and the figments of colors flow into the cup, you left my soul with so many seasons, I’m still raking up the leaves from last fall 14. The last time I saw you we shouldn’t have had sex, I think that night really broke you– I think that night really broke me too 15. I should’ve laid my head onto your chest and counted your heartbeats more often, I’m sorry 16. Sometimes when I talk to people and tell them random facts that you’ve filled my head up, I swear I can hear your voice echo in the back of my head– “baby, check this out, you’re gonna love it” 17. I always do 18. I still remember your favorite Harry Potter line 19. After all of this time? …Always. 20. I smoke cigarettes to think about how to think less, the fucking irony 21. I take painkillers and my excuse is that my right hand still hurts, in truth, I’m just another addict that believes if I take another maybe my heart might just start to sound like it belongs to me 22. I didn’t cut myself because I wanted to die, I cut myself open because I wanted to feel how often I made your heart break, each scar on my shoulders is a time when I’ve made you cry 23. And each night that I can’t sleep, I stay up wishing that you’re doing okay 24. I don’t pray often, but when I do, I always prayed for your mom, although she hated me, I’m so glad that she put you on this earth to allow us to meet– I have changed so much since I’ve met you 25. The crazy part? You still change me everyday 26. You know the renaissance era? Falling in love with you was like that 27. My favorite photo of us were those two kids eating a banana split at the New Orleans mall, I miss those two innocent kids, oh, how we’ve changed 28. We are destined to have this eternal flame kind of distance– the brighter I burn, the more you’ll read, the only thing that keeps me writing some days is knowing that somewhere, somehow you’re always reading, no matter who you’re with or if you’re laughing or crying or smiling 29. My number one fan was always you first 30. I’ve made so many bad decisions, you were never one of them 31. I’ve written so many bad poems, you were in every single one 32. I’ve written some pretty great ones too tho…! You were also in those 33. I miss cleaning your eyes for you 34. I have met some amazing people because of what happened to us 35. I can’t get you by Fallbrooke the acoustic version is no longer on the internet, the funny part? The very last day that it was on the web, I downloaded it right before they removed it. It’s still my favorite song of all time, our song 36. Hold your tears by Clazziquai too 37. Sometimes when I get off from work, I sit in the car and cry, some tears don’t have meaning, they just need to come out 38. I claim to write poetry, but I feel like they’re just love letters sent to no one in particular 39. It’s not that I’m not over you, I’m just trying to get used to not needed you 40. It’s not that it hurts to the point where I can’t breathe, I’m just trying to light my own path to self-love and healing 41. The fact that your favorite color is orange, it makes the fruit taste some type of way 42. Sometimes I want to call you, but I don’t 42. Sometimes I want to text you and I do 43. Sometimes I want you to answer, I’m glad you don’t 43. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it all and call, I’m glad that I don’t 44. You stopped writing when we first met, in some way, the girl that waits by the shore has left a million pens near my desk and to this day– I wait by the shore too, just in case inspiration hits, right? 45. Our little codes of love finally decoded enough for me to not be blinded by you 46. We were both messed up people, I think we knew that about each other and maybe that’s why I always know when you’re not feeling okay 47. I still don’t have love figured out, but damn I’ll open every fucking door in my heart even if I have to go down the sewer to find every key 48. Someone says that she’s falling for me, I’m legit afraid to hurt people now– like it’s a real fear, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore 49. I should’ve given you the stars, but instead I left your heart scattered across the universe 50. It’s been almost two year and I’m still writing about you, but at least it’s less often, right? 51. You’ve always been kinda self-centered, I think you enjoy it when I write about you. Like if I write about you in some way, maybe I’m still yours 52. We were just too damn young to realize how destructive passion, love, romance, stagnation, betrayal and pain is when mixed together 53. Sometimes I go to the places that we used to go just to create new memories without you 54. Sometimes it works 55. Most of the time, it just flicks me off 56. My brain is constantly telling me that I’m a fuck up and the more I try to get it right, the more I keep getting it wrong 57. I am trying to master the art of letting go 58. And this list is a step towards better things 59. And this life is going to be alright 60. Without you, I am still me 61. Without you, I can still breathe 62. Without you, I am still alive 63. Without you, I am still poetry 64. I can barely remember your face, I guess being around a lot of different people at work helps out plenty 65. This world is filled with pain, I hope you look back and smile about us some day 66. Maybe when you’re old and grey– you’ll remember those two young kids who slow danced in the dark 67. If we were made from the same star, I want to return home some day 68. I want to shine bright enough for the two of us 69. You’re still my best friend even if we no longer talk 70. You’ll always be my best friend 71. I still care about you 72. A whole fucking lot 73. The world is full of mysteries, I’m glad that we’re in the known, I’m glad that we’ve met 74. I hope you never regret me, you wanna know why? I could never, ever, ever, ever regret you 75. I don’t know how to open up to people anymore and I’m not sure if it’s my fault or yours– maybe this one time, it’s our fault… are you like this too? 76. I’ve been told that I’m too hard on myself, I firmly believe that one of the reason as to why we split was because I wasn’t hard enough on myself– I got too fucking comfortable with your promises and I took you for granted 77. Life waits for no one 78. I let an ex of mine break my red and black ring– she said that if I was over you, I’d let her break. I let her break it, but jokes on me, it didn’t change a thing about how I still feel about you 79. I keep writing and writing and writing because one of these days– it’ll stop being about you 80. Sometimes it works, but deep down, I know in some way, you’ll always find a way to sneak back out 81. I can’t get you out of my head sometimes 82. It’s even harder because you’re still inside of my heart 83. I saw this cool picture on Tumblr with someone cutting a piece of herself off that resembled two lovers splitting up, that shit looked like it hurt 84. Love hurts because even eating cotton candy ice cream really fast will give you a brain freeze 85. You didn’t like my rat tail idea, I grew one out just to fuck with you. Jokes on me, I love it now. 86. You never really supported the idea of me being anything, tbh, it’s not your fault. None of it is. I should’ve been my own motivation. I guess by supporting you through nursing school, I wanted to hear you say that I could do it even when I was at my lowest point. 87. I realized a few thing about loving you. 88. When you hit rock bottom, few will be loyal enough to stick it out with you 89. Money rules the world, since I’m not wealthy in any way– one day when I am, I can laugh a little about all of this 90. I think you loved our memories more than you loved me, in truth, I did too 91. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to get close to people 92. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to let you go 93. Maybe that’s why you still read 94. We had something raw and experimental, young and dumb, mistakes on top of mistakes 95. It was a perfect compass to point us to our future selves 96. I know a great many things now– although I am depressed, with or without you 97. I am great, I am strong 98. I am my own happy before anyone else’s 99. I can love myself enough to let you go 100. I had to hurt you to really, really grow– I think to this day, that’s the thing that hurts me the most. That I had to hurt my best friend in this whole wide world, to make you crumble, to make you cry, to make you hate me– I had to do all of that in order to love myself. And it’s sad because here I am, still trying to figure it all out. With or without you, I will be a better person.

100 things I figured out when we broke up

[morningstarfallen1-archive]

Do the surprise me q's mun!!

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?[[ Tbh I don’t sleep anyway, so I’d basically just do what I already do, spend all my time playing PS4, browsing tumblr and smoking weed! ]]

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned?[[ My favourite piece of clothing right now would have to be my LiS T-Shirt! ]] 

3. What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?[[ Would either have to be acting or MMA, completely different sides of the spectrum, but yeah! ]]

4. How often do you play sports?[[ I don’t at all. I used to play Badminton when I was in high school but that was it! ]]

5. What fictional place would you most like to go to?[[ NGL I would love to be in Storybrooke! Once Upon a Time is a brilliant show and I love all of the characters so I would have to say Storybrooke, yeah! ]]

6. What job would you be terrible at?[[ I would be atrociously bad at being an accountant or an English Teacher, I’m terrible with numbers and I’m dyselxic with reading! ]]

7. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for?[[ Does smoking weed and being a lazy shit count because I’m sure I’d win gold? ]]

8. What skill would you like to master?[[ I would love to master playing at least one musical instrument, I only know basics of guitar, very very little piano, basic flute and obviously vocals but I would love to master one of them! ]]

9. What do you not want me to ask you?[[ …tbh I don’t mind what I’m asked so please feel free to ask me anything at all, I’ll be happy to either answer or expertly avoid answering it! ]]

10. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?[[ I would love to go on a major road trip to visit all the abandoned asylums of the world! Ngl I’m a bit of a weirdo like that but they always fascinate me! ]]

11. If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would you change and why? [[ I would change the fact that I am a major mind fuck and need to properly sort myself out before I ruin my own life and others around me :/ ]]

12. What’s your favorite drink? [[ Non-Alcoholic would have to be Irn Bru and Alcoholic would have to be Southern Comfort and Lemonade ]] 

13. What do you consider to be your best find? [[ I’m not even gonna try and make an answer up for this one, I have no idea, I have a memory like a sieve ]] 

14. Are you usually early or late?[[ I’m usually early. I HATE being late for things so I always try and make sure that I leave with plenty of time to spare! ]]

15. What pets did you have while growing up?[[ I had a puppy that unfortunately got run over because he escaped the house when he was only a few months old :( and I have also had a rabbit and 2 hamsters. I’ve not got any pets now though ]] 

16. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with?[[ Relationship advice (funny seeing as I’m single and yet again questioning my sexuality :/) and Transgender issues and advice ]]

17. What takes up too much of your time?[[ UNI…UNI…OH DID I MENTION UNI?! ]]

18. What do you wish you knew more about?[[ I wish I knew more about the course I am currently doing at uni because I’m ngl I am genuinely going in blind here, I am at so much or a loss it’s unreal! ]]

19. What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years?[[ How much more have we fucked the world compared to 100 years ago? ]]

20. What are some small things that make your day better? [[ Weed, My friends (especially Tristan and Fraser), stupid jokes in the internet, listening to music ]]

21. Who’s your go-to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? [[ Pentatonix ]]

22. What shows are you into?[[ Well here is a list for ya:

Once Upon a Time

iZombie

The Walking Dead (Only on season 4, I know I’m slow!)

Rick and Morty

Big Mouth

Archer

Family Guy

Disjointed

American Horror Story

Gotham

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Grace and Frankie

Scream (Series)

23. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?[[ To be perfectly honest. I’m most impressed with myself. I have accomplished so much in my life that it is hard to believe that am I were am I today, even if I do still suffer from depression and anxiety ]]

24. What age do you wish you could permanently be?[[ any age between 25 and 30 ]]

25. What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend?[[ In my bed, with munchies, my playstation controller and a huge bag of weed ]]

26. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way?[[ As much as MP3 and MP4 and all this sort of stuff are a great way for music moving forward, nothing will beat the sound that comes from a Vinyl record! ]]

27. What have you only recently formed an opinion on?[[ My own sexuality :/ ]]

28. What’s the single best day on the calendar?[[ Now that’s a hard one to choose tbh because everyone will more than likely choose one of the more obvious holidays such as Halloween, Christmas, Easter and their birthday, the usual ones to pick but tbh I would have to say the single best day on the calendar is The first day of Autumn, mainly because it means that all the best times in the year are usually about to happen :) ]]

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?[[ There are a lot of bands and artists that I am interested in that most people I know would never have heard of which is sad but it happens! ]]

30. What is the most annoying question that people ask you?[[ “Did you dye your hair blue because you’re a rangers supporter?” NO MY HAIR COLOUR HAS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH FOOTBALL!! ]]

31. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on without absolutely no preparation?[[ I gave a 30 minute presentation on teaching last year in uni without a lot of preparation so I’m sure I could pull a presentation about something I am actually interested in without any preparation at all! So I would have to say I could give a 40 minute presentation of Life is Strange with no problem at all xD ]] 

32. If you were a dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?[[ I would more than likely just lower the prices of video games and consoles, legalize weed and get my people to build puppy cafes in every city and town xD ]]

33. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?[[ I feel that everyone show at least get to travel to a different country, no matter where it is, they should get to experience a different country to their own at least once. ]]

34. What’s worth spending more on to get the best?[[ Weed :P I’m sorry have I mentioned that I am a stoner? ]]

35. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of?[[ Game of Thrones… I am so sorry guys, I just don’t get it. I’ve seen a couple of episodes and I just don’t see why it’s such an obsessive program ]]

36. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years[[ Graduating from Uni with a BA (Hons), Going to Florida again next year, Going to see Katya in Feb, Going to Amsterdam with my friends and hopefully finally sorting myself out and realizing what I truly want in life. ]]

37. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been?[[ Isle of Man. It is such a historical little place and so full of info and interesting stuff! ]]

38. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to?[[ There are a few games that I keep saying I’m gonna give them a go and still haven’t gotten around to doing so! ]]

39. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week?[[ I met a good group of people that have become good friends while I was in Italy last week! ]]

40. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that you could experience it for the first time again?[[ Life is Strange! ]]

41. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have?[[ A video game tester! ]]

42. How different was your life one year ago?[[ It wasn’t much different from what it is now. Still working in the same job, still single as fuck, still a student, so yeah, not much different at all ]] 

43. What’s the best way to start the day?[[ If possible, with a little wake and bake but if not then a good cup of coffee or tea and a good bed stretch! not in the order obviously! ]]

44. What quirks do you have?[[ I don’t really know my own quirks, my friends seem to point them out to me now and again, like apparently I pull the same face in all my selfies, I’m quite ocd when it comes to putting money into my wallet, they notes have to be facing the same way and put into order of note worth xD ]] 

45. What would you rate 10/10?[[ Chloe Price is 10/10 in my eyes! ]]

46. What kind of art do you enjoy most?[[ Music. Music is my favourite kind of art ]] 

47. What do you hope never changes?[[ to be honest, I really don’t know. There are that many things in my life that I do want to change that I can’t think of anything I don’t want to change. ]] 

48. What city would you most like to live in?[[ I already live in Glasgow and even if I do say I hate the place I actually love it, it’s a beautiful city, just a lot of the people here are dickheads! ]]

49. What movie title best describes your life?[[ A Series of Unfortunate Events ]] 

50. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? [[ The best way to spend your time is by doing something you enjoy and not something that makes you feel like you just want to give up all the time. ]]

[curumi]

.

1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

wallow

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

i like my light gray hoodie. it is comfy

3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue?

time and money aren’t issues

4. What does your perfect room look like?

stupid question

5. How often do you play sports?

never

6. What fictional place would you like to visit?

f

7. What job would you be terrible at?

.............vlogger

8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

elementary school

9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for?

making people uncomfortable

10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?

biting my nails but i actually managed to stop biting my thumbnail like i did a few years ago so maybe i will go into another period of not biting my nails! :D

11. What job do you think you'd be really good at?

..

12. What skill would you like to master?

social

13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

adventure? shut up

14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?

how would i know

15. What's your favorite drink?

milk

16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?

arizona. i don’t know

17. What songs do you have completely memorized?

iamamiwhoami - t, uhh...... perfume - spending all my time, take off, enter the sphere, i don’t know

18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?

j

19. What do you consider to be your best find?

my what? what does that mean? like at a thrift store???

20. Are you usually early or late?

late late late. but i was actually early today, but only because i wanted to make sure my teacher would let me move my seat to the back of the room

21. What pets did you have when you were growing up?

hamster who was put down when she got like a weird eye tumor, cat

22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?

they don’t

23. What takes up too much of your time?

thinking

24. What do you wish you knew more about?

what other people were thinking

25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years?

why didn’t you let me die

26. What are some small things that make your day better?

my friend wanting to talk to me

27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to?

perfume

28. What's the best way to start the day?

...not being tired ?

29. What TV shows do you like?

none

30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should?

curumi chronicle channel

31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished?

?

32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?

............................... 18 ? maybe 12

33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

a lot

34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend?

not being depressed and having knots in my stomach

35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without?

qtips

36. What is your claim to fame?

being stupid

37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way?

i

38. What's your favorite book or movie genre?

d

39. How often do you people-watch?

never. why would you do that. i don’t have a problem with it but i don’t understand why. do you go outside just to sit and watch people?? why

40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?

...........

41. What's the best day of the year?

h

42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?

curumi chronicle. answering these questions is not helping me take my mind off things

43. How do you relax after a long day of work?

sleep

44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched?

k

45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home?

washington dc

46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen?

my cat

47. What is the most annoying question people ask you?

^ this one. lol

48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?

perfume

49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?

give my power to someone else

50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

experience having no friends. they need to feel my pain

51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting?

don kno

52. What's your dream car?

kdf

53. What's worth spending more on to get the best?

some things

54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get?

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years?

nothing

56. Where is the most interesting place you've been?

these questions aren’t very goood

57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it?

having friends. lol

58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?

hanging out with my friend! :D

59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again?

ystk music ?

60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?

something with animals. i don’t k n o w

61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?

lol no one would want to hear about that

62. How different was your life 1 year ago?

quite

63. What quirks do you have?

i’m stupid

64. What would you rate 10/10?

curumi chronicle

65. What fad or trend do you think should come back?

f

66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen?

perfume - level3

67. What kind of art do you enjoy most?

..

68. What do you hope never changes?

my cat

69. What city would you most like to live in?

j

70. What movie title best describes your life?

is there a movie called “i’m stupid and i have no friends”

71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?

i am not

72. What's the best way a person can spend their time?

being nice to me

73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?

trojan horse and drive it into the sea

74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been?

h

75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?

getting a friend

76. Where would you rather be from?

somewhere with seasons

77. What are some things you've had to unlearn?

>

78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?

nothing

79. What website do you visit most often?

tumblr -_-

80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford?

friendship

81. Where do you usually go when you have free time?

home

82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

jefg

83. What's special about the place you grew up?

me!

84. What age do you want to live to?

18

85. What are you most likely to become famous for?

killing myself in a funny way

86. What are you absolutely determined to do?

i wish anything

87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?

hate myself

88. What do you wish you knew more about?

didnt this question already come up

89. What question would you most like to know the answer to?

if my friend hates me

90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?

can you tell me everything about yourself xd

91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?

early 2016

92. What's the best compliment you've ever received?

when my friend said he appreciated my existence and is glad we’re friends

93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?

die

94. Who inspires you to be better?

no one

95. What do you want your epitaph to be?

my what

96. What haven't you grown out of?

acne

97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?

a lot of places

98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well?

that thing that got me expelled from school maybe

99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?

Effects of Social Isolation

100. What's something you will never do again?

see #98

101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future?

have friends and not be paranoid they hate me

102. What keeps you up at night?

thinking my friend hates me

103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had?

i’m stupid

104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done?

see #98

105. How do you get in the way of your own success?

by being anxious in social situations. we’ve been over this

106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

how uncomfortable i am

107. What is your biggest regret?

developing social anxiety in middle school. not that it was a choice really

108. What do you look down on people for?

being below me

109. What bridges do you not regret burning?

golden gate. xd

110. What lie do you tell most often?

��how are you” “good” lol!

111. What would be your spirit animal?

f

112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?

best: worst: tick tock tick tock

113. What are you most likely very wrong about?

what other people think of me

114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?

my cat!

115. What's happened that changed your view on the world?

nothing

116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned?

nothing

117. What is the most immature thing you do?

dk

118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?

being stupid

119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?

....................peanut butter????????

120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have?

all of them

121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die?

, ,

122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?

uhh....... enjoy yourself because your life is gonna SUCK pretty soon. lol

123. What's the best thing you got from your parents?

not my life that’s for sure xd

124. What's the best thing about you?

am i nice? why do i like have a complex about actually being a mean person and like... trying to force it down and be nice. i think i’m nice i don’t know

125. What blows your mind?

how stupid i am

126. Have you ever saved someone's life?

no

127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at?

f

128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?

fjd

129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?

who just has 3 interesting facts??? i have a relatively large tongue i think.

130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

the one on my thumb from a bird.......... it’s from a bird.

131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life?

Brian Finally Has A Friend... Or Does He? xd

132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life?

getting expelled from school

133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned?

i swear this is a duplicate question

134. What do people think is weird about you?

the way i walk and sit and move my body

135. What mistake do you keep making?

having anxiety

136. What have you created that you're most proud of?

a big dump! lol

137. What do you doubt?

138. What are some of your morals?

...?

139. What do you want to be remembered for?

i don kno

140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?

dying

141. What is your favorite fragrance?

cat

142. What do you think your last words will be?

uhhhhh

143. Who or what do you take for granted?

everything

144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?

because i’m ugly

145. What is something you're insecure about?

most things

146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received?

efj

147. What irrational fears do you have?

S.A.D

148. What makes a good life?

not being stupid

149. What's the last adventure you went on?

who the fuck has ever done something and considered it an “adventure”?? what?

150. What is the most memorable gift you've received?

ddddddddddddddddd

TUMBLR VOID!