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redspiderling · 4 years

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MCU Breakdown: That b-roll called Endgame

It's here. The film to end all films.

I’d like to point out for the sake of your sanity, that the amount of incompetence is so ridiculous, there’s nothing to be learned from this. I don’t have any pieces of film that I can build on, or offer fixes for.

The mistakes are on such rudimentary concepts. It’’s like trying to find wisdom or offer a solution to an equation that insists that 1+1=12. No it doesn’t. It equals 2, and the Russos just suck at directing.

Starting with the obvious dig we are all aware of (sorry, I couldn’t help myself), apparently the Burtons have been living in dog years, because this kid aged 7 years from 2015 to 2018.

Also, they're like, 5m away from the target? Not exactly Hawk-eye, Hawkeye.

How about this one, doesn’t Bruce look like he shrank 4 sizes? The distance between Cap and that doorway can't be THAT big for Bruce to be that tiny.

How fucking lazy do you have to be, that FX studios edit green screens and place your actors in a conference room? Why couldn't they shoot this in the traditional way? And no, it's not the holograms, that shit can easily go ON TOP of the footage, no need to use green/blue screen, they are just lazy bastards with too much money, and can just green screen everything for no reason.

And I know I'm not crazy, because in the next shot you can see him standing in practically the same spot but WOW, he's normal sized and appearing next to Rhodey now! If he was so far back he was tiny in the previous shot, he should have been significantly smaller in this one as well.

So sloppy.

Next on this travesty of a film, lets take a look at Natasha

Listen. I know we've been talking about changing the light to fit the mood, create an emotional atmosphere etc, but you can't do that in the same scene, ok? Natasha doesn't literally slightly shine up from a different angle (in the previous shot, the dominant light came from the left, now it’s from the right) when Cap walks through the door.

Also, if it was just the sandwich. And the... glass. And the water in the glass. And the book and the. Screen. Basically all the items on the table. If all the items on the table were the only things you guys moved, between Natasha closing her eyes and then opening them again when Cap spoke up, I wouldn't have mentioned it. But you ZOOMED IN, and turned your camera A BIT to the right, and now there's an entire bookcase behind her that wasn't there before. The fuck man. Someone needs to look into whatever it is that's haunting Headquarters.

This probably goes without mention but between the Avengers' meeting 5 years ago, the scene in the spaceship when they take off, and now Natasha at her desk 5 years later, the light has practically remained the same. The characters have been transformed, emotionally. They've grown for 5 YEARS. They've been through enormous emotional changes in these few scenes and yet they had to literally go to a different planet, to get a noticeable change in the light and the colours. No, Natasha's hair and regained eyebrows don't count as colour changes. That's Scarlett going bananas with the few things she had some control over.

Also, I know the following isn’t related to the visuals but who am I kidding, I’m going to point it out:

So, apparently, Steve went there to see a friend. Same friend who is crying in front of him, because Clint is on a murder spree. So Steve, fresh back from his support group goes to see Natasha, who is emotionally distressed, and Natasha offers him her food.

Give her back her sandwich, you monster!

By the way, you don't get to say "not us" Steve. You only go there to do your laundry, eat Natasha's sandwiches, and tell her that the work she does, to keep the survivors safe, "doesn't need to be done".

So your depressed friend Natasha is crying Steve, because keeping the world safe is hard work. She offers you her food, and in return you say that what she does is probably not worth her time.

Is anyone. Literally anyone, proofreading this script? Are the directors consciously directing?

Russos: Ok Chris you're being casual and positive. Say you would offer her to cook, be supportive, but that you actually can't because you can't cook. So you’re not actually being supportive, you just say you potentially could have been. Now Scarlett, push YOUR food to him because, well that's what a crying Natasha will do and Chris, don't pressure her to eat or anything just, tell her maybe she should give up trying to save the world.

... WHAT IS THIS SCENE?

Moving on before I get an aneurysm

5 years have come and gone, but the lighting in this room remains exactly the same.

They shot these scenes on the same day and didn't bother changing the lighting at.all. Seriously. On a 120+ million dollar budget. And they couldn't change the lighting on these two completely different scenes that were set 5 whole years appart, and just happened to take place in the same space?!

Actually, fuck the lights, They Didn’t Even Move The Camera.

Lazy ass bastards.

Lets look at our friendly neighbourhood Australians

Room A on day 1 before the murder

Room A on day 1 after the murder

Bright, shiny, it's a beautiful day outside vs Night time, high contrasts, storming outside. Also, camera angles. Top one is casual close up, two people chatting. Next one is closer to the floor, taken from the level of the murdered woman. For fucking dramatic effect.

There's more, check this out. The Avengers about to go and kill Thanos

And the Avengers having lunch

So, just to make things clear, basically Scarlett did the job for the Russos and regrew her eyebrows and changed her hair so that we could tell the difference between "about to go to war" and "having lunch".

Steve's shirt is even the same colour as it was 5 years ago.

I’m glossing over the fact that we see food and Hulks head and in the background barely visible from the horrible lighting we kinda see Natasha and Steve’s faces. Just the faces though, for the expression you should fix the brightness through your video players guys.

Aaaah. Much better. It took me about 30 seconds to fix that frame. With a magic, secret software called Adobe Premiere. Just don’t tell Marvel it can be done, ok?

You know what else looks exactly the same? Happy, fullfilled, family man Tony, and depressed and isolated "5 Avengers for the price of 1" Natasha

Be honest with yourselves. There's a bunch of us on this website who could have done a better job shooting this film.

There’s a bunch of us on this website who could have done a better job shooting a film that made close to 3 billion dollars in the theatres.

I just fixed the brightness on the frame of a film that cost 120+ million dollars.

Life is a lie.

#MCU Breakdown #can't believe I wasted my evening for this #endless endgame bashing #the only tag that matters #Natasha Romanoff Deserves Better #she fucking does #can't believe she offered Steve her sandwich #Endgame Steve is an asshole

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hyuckles-chuckles · 4 years

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hiding in a tree — j. jaehyun

the most handsome guy on campus asks you out on a date, despite ending up in a tree you aren’t necessarily k-i-s-s-i-n-g him.

pairing ; son of aphrodite!jung jaehyun x fem!reader

other character(s) ; son of hephaestus!johnny seo

genre ; fluff, angst, demigod!au, college!au · word count ; 2.4k · rating ; 15 · warning(s) ; usage of weaponry, demigod swearing, mentions of killing evil monsters

request ; “jaehyun + 1 : ‘what did you think was going to happen?’ + m : demigod!au” by @ahgase55g7 !

masterlist ; adobe’s 1500 follower celebration

a/n ; i truly truly truly love writing demigod/pjo fics, thanks for the request love! i hope y’all enjoy this greek mythology mess + fyi this took me a day to write when it took me a whole year to get tddd out so maybe this is improvement idk you tell me please tell me i love hearing feedback from y’all

If you knew that going on a date with Jaehyun would end up with you stuck in a tree with an enraged boar at the bottom of it as he and his friend tried to kill it, you wouldn’t have accepted. Who were you kidding? He could’ve taken you to the Underworld and you still would’ve enjoyed yourself.

Maybe on your next date you could go to the Underworld since that suddenly existed now.

Jaehyun was probably the most beautiful person you had ever seen. And every single person on your campus would agree with you. You didn’t even think that he knew you existed considering you only shared your Creative Writing class with him since he majored in Visual Art and you majored in Literature. You didn’t even see him at any parties since you started tertiary schooling.

But from those few moments in your only class together, he spotted you from the class, his first words to you being ‘This could be weird since we’ve never spoken before, but I think you’re so beautiful. Would you like to go on a date with me?’ You stood with your mouth agape, only responding with a rather loud ‘yes’ when he started to chuckle at your expression. You were already getting your phone out to get his number, but he said he didn’t have a phone. You were surprised but laughed it off as you jotted the details of the date into your notes app.

Nothing could get rid of the smile on your face that day.

You anticipated your date for a few days, agreeing to have a picnic in the park on the weekend (which you found odd considering your first dates were mainly always at a café — this seemed a lot more romantic in your opinion). While you waited for the weekend, every time you had class together you would sit together and get to know each other better before your date.

You even sneaked some selfies with him while he was paying attention to your lecturer. No matter the angle — flattering or unflattering — he managed to look good in every single one. You were extremely jealous. You even teased him at how unfair it was for him to look so good, causing a blush to form on his dimpled cheeks as he walked you to your apartment.

“Uh, so I’ll see you here tomorrow then,” Jaehyun said at the bottom of your staircase as you unlocked the door to go inside of your apartment building.

“Twelve o’clock sharp. You don’t have a phone so I can’t call you if you’re late.”

“If I’m late, I’ll just call you from a payphone — you gave me your number for a reason,” he chuckled as you stood in your doorway. “Bye, beautiful.”

“Bye,” you greeted him with a wave, closing the door before he could see the smile that spread across your face. You could say you were a little excited for your date with Jaehyun.

You sat at the top of the steps as you waited for Jaehyun. You didn’t realise you had been ready far too early for the date when he was actually supposed to pick you up. But who could blame you when that beautiful boy was supposed to take you on a date? Literally no one could — they would be doing exactly what you are doing.

You looked to your watch, smiling as you only had a minute left until Jaehyun came to pick you up and walk you to the park. You smiled even more brightly when you caught sight of him. Other times you had seen him, he was always calm and collected, a natural smile gracing his features. This time he seemed kind of…stressed. Maybe he was nervous because of your date, but he didn’t seem like himself.

“Hey!” you greet him, walking down the steps, stopping at the very last one. Despite your added height, he was still slightly taller than you.

“Hey, beautiful,” he exhaled, hugging you and bringing you down to the ground. “You ready to go?” he asked, already taking your hand and walking towards the park.

“Jae, wait,” you giggle, pulling on his arm for him to stop. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he stutters. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well,” you muse as you take in his appearance. His hair is dishevelled as if he ran to your apartment. Between the handles of the basket he held was a baseball bat which you weren’t expecting. And when you looked to his half tucked in shirt, you noticed a quite large mirror hanging from his belt. “You seem…off.”

“Trust me, I’m not,” he gives you a reassuring smile. “Let’s just get to the park — and get there fast.”

Jaehyun walks fast in front of you, you jogging to keep up with his pace. When he finally stops you catch your breath and hold your chest. He notices and gets you a bottle of water from the basket.

“Thank you,” you laugh, trying to hide your embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, running a hand through his hair, making it look even messier than before. “Sometimes I forget people aren’t like me.”

“And what makes you different?” you ask. He suddenly tenses, so you relieve his tension with a joke. “Because you’re prettier than people?”

You see his shoulders relax, which causes you to worry. You got to know him this past week and right now he didn’t seem like himself. “Jaehyun, are you sure you’re okay? We can reschedule the date if you’re not feeling well.”

“No, I’m fine, being at the park is actually keeping me calm,” he reassured you, and even though you knew deep down he wasn’t fine, you had the need to believe so you did.

“So, are you planning on having us play baseball?” you ask as you look down at him preparing the blanket and goods.

“Baseball?” he questions, looking up at you quizzically.

“Well, you have a baseball bat next to the basket,” you remind him of his belongings. “But just so you know, I’ve done all my running for the week.”

“Oh, okay,” he says as he glances at the bat, turning to look up at you from where he sat. “Care to join me?” he asked with a raised hand and a dashing smile.

“Of course I will—”

“Jaehyun! What are you doing here?!”

You both look up at the person who called for Jaehyun. You recognise it as Jaehyun’s friend Johnny. He seems to be in a similar state as your date only much, much worse.

“What the Hades are you doing here?!” Jaehyun exclaims, getting up in an instant, grabbing his baseball bat and looking around the park.

“Hades?” you mumble to yourself, curious as to why he would say the Greek God of the Underworld’s name.

“You told me to lure it to the park!”

“No, I said away from the park!” Jaehyun groans. He seems to have forgotten you’re right behind him, but you know he’s just preoccupied with Johnny at the moment.

“Well, it’s on its way here, you should make sure (Y/N) is protected.”

“(Y/N)? (Y/N)!” he groans, turning around abruptly and placing his hands on your forearms — you would’ve laughed if he didn’t look so scared. “You have to get in the tree.”

“What?” you say as you look at the tall tree. “We’re not tall enough to get me in the tree and also I don’t want to. What’s happening, Jae? I don’t understand what’s happening.”

Jaehyun scrunches his face in frustration, turning around to point his bat to his friend. “Why can’t you listen to me?”

“Because I’m too busy admiring your beauty,” he sneers.

As they argue, you start to feel a rumble at the bottom of your feet and they feel it too. “Okay, (Y/N)!” Jaehyun turns to face you. “I’m going to help you up the tree.”

“Jaehyun, that’s impossible — ah!” You’re surprised at his strength. He holds you by your calves, balancing you so you can grab the branch with ease. “How am I supposed to get down?!”

“I’ll catch you!” Jaehyun smiles up at you, but it fades as you glare at him. “Just get high up, okay beautiful.” You don’t answer him, but you do as he says.

“I can’t believe you brought the Calydonian Boar here on my date,” you hear Jaehyun scold at Johnny from the ground.

You don’t listen to the rest of their argument; your interest is only searching what boar they were talking about and why it was bad to bring to the park. Your eyes widen as you see what Google gives you. There’s no way that they’re talking about the boar that was killed by a king’s son in Greek mythology. There has to be some other boar named after this Greek monster, but you don’t find anything.

You look down to the ground and you see Jaehyun holds his bat and large mirror, Johnny hold a wrench as you see a basic boar run up to them. But as if suddenly a mist was lifted, you see different things. Instead of a bat and wrench, they hold swords — Jaehyun’s a muted red with a reflective blade and Johnny’s a golden colour with ridges in the blade, it seemed seemed to fit their personalities well. And instead of the mirror Jaehyun held, a reflective shield took its place. You crane your neck to the boar and suddenly it’s also changed into the Calydonian Boar and…no way. It had lightning coming out of its mouth!

You refuse to look down, leaning your head against the tree, looking up into the sky as you try to ignore the sounds from the base of the tree. You don’t understand what’s going on or how it’s happening, but you hope that your date and his friend are okay. From your brief reading on the boar, you know it was hard to kill and that it actually killed some of the hunters when it was hunted the first time.

All of a sudden there’s a cheer from the boys, but you still don’t take your chance at looking down. You don’t know what else this boar could do — it might as well take the appearance of those its just killed and is looking for a new being in yourself.

“Beautiful, it’s okay! You can come down now!”

“I’m fine up here!”

You hear nothing for a while until you feel a hand on your calf. You scream at the touch but quickly stop when you see that it’s Jaehyun. You calm yourself with deep breaths, as Jaehyun sits on your branch. You see that Jaehyun has a bruise on his cheek, a rip in his shirt and pants that appear to be smoking and a burn on his knuckles.

You couldn’t believe that he’s actually messier than before your date.

“You okay?” he asks you, a soft smile on his lips.

“Am I okay? Are you okay?” you ask as you take in his appearance once more. You’re pretty sure his shoes were white before and not black.

“Yeah, I guess I have some explaining to do,” he nervously chuckles before taking a deep breath himself.

“I’m a demigod, which means I’m half human and half God — specifically Aphrodite, she’s my mom. Johnny’s also one, we met at this camp for demigods, and he needed help getting rid of this Calydonian Boar which is—”

“I know what it is,” you interrupted, showing him your most recent search. “Continue about your whole demigod thing.”

“You’re taking this awfully well — better than my actual dad.”

“Well, I just experienced it, there’s no reason for me not to believe you,” you chuckled, finally leaning forward and placing your hand on his bare arm that showed through the hole. “Just continue, I’m curious now.”

“Well, that’s the thing,” he grimaced. “I wasn’t actually planning on telling you that today. That would be considered a sixth date kind of confession. I obviously didn’t mean for this to happen, and I understand if you don’t want to continue dating—”

You interrupt him once more by leaning forward and kissing him sweetly, your cheeks heating up as you hear Johnny cheer for you from the ground.

“Woah,” he sighs, as he slowly opens his eyes to look into yours. “I wasn’t expecting that to happen.”

“What did you think was going to happen? I was going to stop dating you just because you’re a freaking son of Aphrodite?”

“It’s a lot more than just me being her son,” he states seriously. “Did you see how I killed that boar?”

“I didn’t want to,” you admit, your face scrunching in disgust as you remember peering down for those few seconds.

“I get that,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders as he gracefully jumps off of the branch onto the one just below your one. “You need help?” he asks with a raise of his hand.

“Uh, definitely,” you say as you take his hand to help lead you down the tree. You yelp when he just jumps from the last branch, rolling onto his back like a gymnast and landing elegantly on his feet.

“Okay, beautiful, jump.”

“Can we just get a ladder?” you nervously ask.

“Holy Hera, I actually have a ladder at camp that’s taller than this tree,” Johnny remembers, frowning when he realises that no one is listening to him.

“I can catch you — just jump!” You know that you don’t want to jump, but you do anyway, screaming as you fall into Jaehyun’s arms. “Told you,” he smirks as he brings you down to the ground.

“Okay, well, I’m going to leave you two — I’ll see you around campus!” Johnny says as he leaves you and Jaehyun alone in the park. “And don’t use your charmspeak on poor (Y/N)!”

“Charmspeak?” you repeat, confused at what Johnny meant by that.

“Uh, I’ll tell you some other time,” Jaehyun mumbles.

“So, that was some fight,” you bring up, looking at the destruction of the picnic that the boar caused.

“Do you want to reschedule this date?” he asked you, moving his hands up and down your forearm.

“How about we order take-out and watch Hercules?” you joke as he walks to your apartment with his arm around your shoulder.“It’s actually pronounced Heracles, but I blame that on Disney.”

to celebrate getting 1500 followers on here, i opened up my requests! be prepared for more requested works from me!

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olympusnerd · 4 years

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Medea

I recently reread the story of Medea and I don’t know why but she really resonated with me. I know she doesn’t count as a Greek hero, what with all the murdering she does, but you have to admit, Medea has a way of captivating people as made evident by the fact that centuries after her death we still know her name.

My husband bought me a new computer with Adobe Illustrator and while I haven’t used art software in over fifteen years, I gave it a go and I’m not too disappointed with my first try :D

So here is the unofficial cliffnote of Medea’s long and (in some instances savage) story:

For back story, Medea is the daughter of King Aeëtes, the ruler of Colchis (an ancient city located around present day Georgia) who coveted the Golden Fleece (literally golden sheep wool). Jason and the Argonauts were tasked to find the fleece for King Pelias of Iolcus (Jason’s asshole uncle who made him go get it in order to inherit the throne that was rightfully his).

So when Jason arrived to Colchis, he was given three tasks to conquer in order to win the golden fleece: tiling the land with two fire breathing bulls, plant seeds that would grow Spartanoids (inhumanly malicious soldiers spawned from Ares son who would fight to the death), and defeat the Spartanoids. He would then have to retrieve the fleece from a tree in the Grove of Ares that was guarded by a dragon.

Distraught over these seemingly impossible tasks, Jason prayed to the goddess Hera for help. She in turn sent word to Aphrodite who used Eros to shoot Medea, the king’s beautiful daughter and devoted worshiper (and sometimes also the daughter) of Hekate (Titaness goddess of witchcraft), so that she would fall helplessly in love with Jason and help him with his tasks.

You read that right, little cherub boy came and turned Medea into a lovesick puppy for the doofus Jason so that he could win the Golden Fleece because even the gods knew Medea was a badass.

She helped him with every one of his tasks, but once her father realized it, they had to get out of dodge. Medea used her powers to make the dragon (yes a MOTHER FUCKING DRAGON) fall asleep so Jason could get the fleece from a tree it hung on. (Some depictions have Medea soothing the dragon while Jason gets the fleece, some have her soothing it then having to help Jason get the damn thing out of the tree cause women have to do everything themselves. Honestly how she didn’t see he was useless at this point is beyond me)

They go on their merry way when Medea sees her father Aeëtes’ ship sailing after them. Jason can tell the ship was going to catch the Argos and was preparing to battle when Medea said there was no way they could win hand to hand with her father, so she did what any good lover would do: she sacrificed her prepubescent brother, chopped him into tiny bits, and dropped him into the ocean at intervals for her father to stop and pick up ( :,) I did mention she’s not a hero, right?)

So she has Jason sail up a river away from Colchis, long story short, they get to King Pelias of Iolcus with the Golden Fleece. He acts like he doesn’t even know they had a deal and, spoiler alert, apparently straight up murdered Jason’s parents and little brother (though some sources say he just told Jason’s father that he died and his father actually killed them all in grief but this makes for much better story telling, just assume Pelias is that big of a dick cause he is). So Medea, who has basically been brought to a whole new country just to chase dick, says don’t worry, I’ll get you some revenge and proceeded to go straight fucking Savage.

Medea befriends Pelias’s daughters and one day mentions “Oh, it sucks your dad is so old, he’ll probably die soon. My father is older than yours but looks our age.” The girls beg to know how this could be, and Medea, sharp, lovely, conniving as she was, showed the girls a spell. She took an old ram, slit it’s throat, chopped it up, then threw it in a giant pot with herbs. She chanted, waived her arms and boom, baby goat popped out of the pot.

The daughters excitedly go find Pelias, chop him into pieces and perform the ritual, only to find that their dad (surprise) was dead dead.

I’m talking Dead AF.

Pelias’s son tells his sisters they were fooled and Jason and Medea are chased out of Iolcus and landed in Corinth. They lived there for years, had three (sometimes two in different references) sons and lived happily ever after.

Except they didn’t because remember, this is Greek Mythology and gods are involved so no one can be happy XD

Turns out Jason gets the hots for the daughter of the king of Corinth and they are set to get married.

Yes, after all this shit Medea has done for Jason (cheated at her father’s orders, murdered her brother, abandoned her home, saved Jason and his Argonauts from certain death at least three times, reaped vengeance on his uncle, bared him children) and this mother fucker up and says, “Naw, you see, you’re just a tool by the gods for me to get what I needed to get in order to be a king. So I’m gonna merry ole faceless Corinth princess and now our sons will be kings, isn’t that rad?”

“Super rad,” Medea would have hissed behind a fake smile.

It was in fact not rad, as Medea then takes it upon herself to send poison laced garments to the happy bride-to-be and she died an especially excruciating death (as well as her dad cause he tried to save her, told y’all, my girl be ruthless).

So in a final fuck you to Jason, Medea then murders their children (which I admit, puts a big pin in all the badassery she does, but in the play Medea by Euripides she struggles with this because she says she loves her children and it will hurt her to kill them, but ultimately decides she is more angry at Jason and that she has to do it because if she doesn’t, someone down the line will.

“I know indeed what evil I intend to do, but stronger than all my afterthoughts is my fury, fury that brings upon mortals the greatest evils.”

Like, shit, okay, I get it. You’re pissed. Do as you please.

Again, Medea isn’t a hero, but I find it hard to completely condemn her actions. She gives her all to Jason, only to have him choose someone else who can give him the throne he always wanted while telling her that it was at a god’s behest that she help him. In some ways, I imagine that being used like that is what probably hurt the most. But it’s cool, she ends up ending the play by riding in a golden chariot pulled by MOTHER FUCKING DRAGONS that her grandfather Helios sent for her and her dead kids, so I mean? She also ends up becoming the queen of Athens, but shit goes wrong there, too, but that’s a whole other thing that makes her like the original shitty step mom (save for all of Zeus’s illegitimate kids Hera keeps trying to kill).

And Jason is crushed to death when a piece of wood falls off his ship, so good riddance.

It’s interesting that this story is originally Jason and the Argonauts, a tale that’s supposed to illustrate the bravery and resilience of our ‘hero’ Jason, but really as Euripedes makes evident, it is Medea who the most resilient and in the end, of all the characters, though she may not have an explicitly happy ending, she isn’t punished by the gods for any of her actions while Jason literally dies by the ship he sailed on these ‘heroic’ escapades.

About the artwork: It took me three days and a lot of cussing, I mean YouTube videos, to get this where I liked it. I feel like it uploaded a little blurry but overall I’m content :)

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''under the graveyard'' by ozzy osbourne

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thiswasinevitableid · 4 years

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Love at First Fight (Sternclay)

Several people requested #15 of the meet uglies for Sternclay: “I step out of the bathroom and right into the middle of a bar fight and you punch me accidentally so I punch back on instinct” SFW.

“FUCK!” Barclay slams back against the bathroom door, left hand held to the eye that just got the worst punch he’s had in years. He hasn’t survived on his own this long by being passive, and so he throws his right out in the direction of the punch.

“Shit!” The man flicks his dark hair form his face, touches his lip, “sir, don’t do that again, and kindly get the fuck out of DUCK!” He grabs Barclay, yanking him down out of the path of a swinging pool cue.

“What the hell-”

His enemy-cum-protector is already moving again, grabbing the cue on it’s next swing and yanking it from the hand of the enraged biker swinging it. Then he shouts in pain as a thrown bottle connects with his neck and sends him to the ground.

“Fucking rat, we’re gonna skin you alive.” The man formerly holding the pool cue advances on the prone figure as he tries to stand. Barclay spots the insignia on the back of the biker’s jacket. Four numbers that mark him as a neo-nazi.

The man on the ground stands, forcing his feet into a fight stance and gripping the cue. Barclay spots something odd; on the very inside of his leather jacket are three stripes of color, so subtle most people probably miss them. Pink, blue, and white.

Well, that settles whose side he’s on.

“No more fucking chase, Lucky” the leader pulls his gun, “you’re going in the ground with the other moles.”

Barclay grabs the nearest chair and swings it, sending the man to the ground, the gun clattering across the floor. The man who punched him is quickest, grabbing the gun, then his hand.

“You’ve fucked up.”

“You’re welcomeOW.” He’s thrown sideways as one of the lackeys tackles him. As he grapples, a second one decides to start whacking on his ribs with a table leg. The whacks stop after the dark-haired man throws a punch, before promptly stabbing Barclay’s attacker in the eye with the cue.

“Ahfuck, what the hell man?” He’s pulled across the room, ducking and weaving as best he can as the remaining gang gives chase and throws bottles and chairs at them.

“I had it under control.” The man kicks the door shut and tips a motorcycle against it, “now please tell me you have a car.”

“That” he points to his pick-up, “and no you didn’t. You punched me, some dude minding his own business.” He jumps, frightened, as the man fires the gun into a row of motorcycles, puncturing as many tires as he can before the gang emerges.

“Keys. Now.” The man throws the gun away, but Barclay still doesn’t feel like arguing is an option.

The man pulls him to the car, shoving him into the passenger seat, and starts the clunker, screeching out onto the near-empty highway.

“Are you fucking kidnapping me?” Barclay’s question is shriller than he means it to be.

“No! I’m saving you, because as far as they” he points to the rumbling mass in the rearview mirror, “are concerned, you helped me, which makes you a target. Now hold on.”

Barclay yelps five profanities laced together as the man floors it down the dust-blown road.

“Don’t you have a fucking motorcycle too?”

“Not anymore. Shit” he fights with the clutch, “come on, just a little farther, we can make it.”

“You should not have that much faith in this truck, trust me.”

“Not helpful.” The man snaps between his teeth. The bikes are catching up to them, he can see the expressions on the rider’s faces and god this is how he dies, isn’t it?

The man pulls a hard left, spinning the car across the oncoming lane just as a row of four semis barrel towards them.

Oh no, wait, this is how he dies.

The truck barely clears, horns blaring in their ears as they careen onto a dirt road. The bikers, blocked by the row of semi’s, can’t follow.

“Made it.” The man grins.

“They’ll be able to follow our dust.”

“Not if we don’t leave any.” Four rapid zigzags bring them to a dried up canal bed, and as the zoom along it he shrugs off his jacket and hands it to Barclay.

“Do you have a pocket knife or something?”

“Uh huh.”

“Slice that insignia off the back please. I like that jacket, but I’ll be damned if I wear that symbol longer than needed for my cover.”

Barclay fishes his multi-tool out of the glovebox, slices the little stitches until the four numbers come loose. The culvert ends and after a moment they’re back on a tiny, badly paved road. The man navigates towards a four story, run down building whose sign reads, “Amnesty Lodge” in the hot desert sun.

“Here we are. Come on, let’s get out of the heat.”

Barclay follows him into a lobby, off to the right of which is a small bar and restaurant. A few occupants wave to his companion, who carves a straight line across the carpet to a back room.

“Glad you’re in one piece.” A woman with a pronounced southern drawl and a cowboy hat on her head nods at him as they walk in, “did you get--who the hell is this?”

“I...don’t know.”

“Names Barclay, ma’am. Your friend here decided to use my truck as a getaway car after a bar fight.”

“Looks like you were both in a fight.” The woman looks at the other man with worry.

“I, um, punched him on accident. My cover got blown and I had to start a fight to get out. Barclay tried to help me.”

“Huh, that was mighty foolish of you.”

“Would it kill anyone in this desert to say ‘thank you?” He growls. The woman raises an eyebrow, then laughs.

“Ha! I like you, big fella, and you can clearly take a punch.”

“And throw one too.” The man rubs his jaw.

“Could use more of that type around here these days. Alright, you can stay here ‘til this blows over. I’ll let you two fellas get patched up.” She waves her hand, then puts it on the desk to gather up the small, black pouch the stranger sets in front of her.

Soon Barclay is sweating his ass off in a stuffy motel room, all teal blue and adobe brown, as his host knocks the air conditioner into action. When it finally groans to life, the man turns and looks, for the first time, unsure of himself.

“Right. So. Um. You’re in the Amnesty Lodge, which is a, um, hideaway of sorts on top of a normal motel. My name is Joseph. Apologies for punching you.”

“In the bar they called you something else.”

“Lucky was my cover name.” The man pulls off his t-shirt, revealing bruises and a lean body with noticeable lines of muscle. In the amber-tinted light of the room, he looks like he stepped out of a greaser daydream; his hair still tousled from the wind and the fight, lip and nose still sporting dried blood, and regarding Barclay with a concern that should undercut how badass he looks but doesn’t.

“I’m going to shower, then we should get you in an ice bath. Your upper body took a lot of hits.”

Barclay rolls his shoulders and immediately regrets it, “ow, fuck, yeah, think the adrenaline wore off.”

Joseph grabs the phone, calls down to the lobby for a bag of ice before disappearing into bathroom. The water stops just as there’s a knock on the door.

Barclay opens it and finds a young woman with a black and red pompadour smiling at him. Behind her a stocky man sporting a “Joshua Tree National Park” t-shirt is holding a huge bag of ice.

“Hi! You must be the new guy.” The young woman waves at him.

“Uh, I guess.” Barclay takes the ice when the man holds it out.

“I’m Aubrey, and this is Duck.”

“Howdy.” Another southerner. Weird.

“Hold on you two.” Joseph appears behind him, holds the patch from his jacket out over Barclay’s shoulder, “here, Aubrey, need something to burn?”

“Not in the desert she don’t!”

“Relax, I’ll burn it in a trashcan or something. Anyway, Duck’s driving me in to town for my show. Do you need anything?”

“All good for now. Thanks, Aubrey.” Joseph waves politely and shuts the door. Barclay turns with the ice and finds the man wearing only a towel. Manages to push aside the sudden, intense desire to lick the stray droplets of water from his body and follow Joseph into the bathroom. In spite of his protests, Joseph sets the bath up for him (“it’s the least I can do for getting you into all this”). He’s down to his boxers, dusty clothes piled on the floor, as the man adds, “sorry, one more minute, then I can go so you’ll feel comfortable.”

Barclay is tired and sticky and out of patience, “Fuck it, you’ve already punched me and stolen my car, really don’t care if you see my dick.”

“I mean if that’s, oh, oh okay then.” Joseph laughs, looking quickly at the faucet as Barclay steps out of his boxers. The man tries and fails, twice, not to glance at Barclay as he gets in the tub. Any desire to flaunt what he’s got for his handsome man of mystery evaporates when he hits the water.

“FUCKSHIT, goddamit that’s cold.” He lowers himself in, “this better fucking work.”

“It will. This is not the first time I’ve had to deal with injuries.”

“What the fuck do you even do?” He grits his teeth, squeezing the edge of the bathtub.

“I’m an FBI agent.”

“What?” Barclay instinctively backs away.

A soft chuckle, “Yeah, I get that a lot. I work for the Department of Unexplained Phenomena, which leads to some interesting assignments.”

“I’m not, like, gonna get in trouble for assaulting an officer of the law, right?”

“No. Barclay.” Joseph sets his hand atop his own, “you really helped me today, punches aside. Besides I, well, let’s just say I don’t solely answer to the U.S government. I’ll tell you more later, I promise.”

Eventually his time in ice-hell ends and Joseph offers him the bed if he wants to nap. He does, passes out in his clean boxers before Joseph even finishes asking if he wants lunch.

He wakes up to an empty room. An empty, locked room.

“Shit” he pulls on his shirt, furiously yanking on the doorknob, “shitshitshit. Hey!” He bangs on the door, “hey anyone out there?”

Footsteps approach, and the door clicks open. He’s ready to run, but freezes when he sees it’s Joseph, holding a tray with two plates of food.

“Are you okay?”

“Okay?” He splutters, “you locked me in!”

“It’s a necessary precaution. We’ve only known each other half a day, and while you seem trustworthy and I know I can handle myself, if you were a risk I needed to keep the others safe.”

“And keep me fucking prisoner?”

“....Yes a little. Look, Barclay” he sets the tray down on the desk, “there are a lot of dangerous things at play right now, and I can’t risk you running off back to the normal world and accidentally giving something away. Just be patient, okay? As long as you’re here, you're under Mama’s protection. And under mine. And I promise I won’t let any harm come to you.”

Something frightened and vulnerable wells up in his chest, and he grabs one of the plates, “Okay.”

They eat in relative silence and after Joseph sets the plate outside he asks, “do you want to watch something? One of the few stations we get shows old monster movies this time of night.”

Barclay nods, joins Joseph on the bed as a giant mantis rampages across the screen.

“Eesh, they fucked up the scale on that shot.” He laughs to himself.

“No kidding, look, you can even see it knock over what’s so clearly a little cardboard human.”

“Gotta say, not sure why tanks don’t work on it. Mantises aren’t that tough, right, even accounting for radiation or whatever?”

“You know, I have no idea. I’ll ask Duck; he might know. Or he might roll his eyes so hard he strains them. Again. We all watched ‘Day of the Triffids” and he spent the whole time yelling about how that’s not how carnivorous plants work.”

They watch three movies before Barclay starts dozing off. The shorter man hops up, makes up the pull out couch, and Barclay gladly falls into it, waving off Joseph’s offer to sleep there so he can have the bed. He dreams of orange, glowing eyes, just like he does every night.

When he wakes up the next morning, Joseph is in a finely tailored black suit, combing his hair back in the mirror.

“Where y’going all fancy?” Barclay mumbles.

“Work. I should be back tonight. Take it easy, okay, you’re still pretty bruised.”

“Kay.” Barclay nods and falls back asleep. When he finally trudges downstairs in search of food, he finds Mama in the bar. She pours him coffee, asks how he slept, and brings him a plate of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

He takes a bite, grimaces, “Uh, Mama, I don’t mean to be rude but are you sure this isn’t rancid?”

“Yep.” She tops off his coffee, “just can’t cook for shit. Jake does his best, so does Moira, but they have a hard time too.”

“Please let me help.” Barclay eyes his eggs suspiciously, “I’m not bad in the kitchen, worked a lot of restaurants over the years.”

“That so? Alright big fella, come show me what you got.” She tosses him a faded green apron and he follows her into the kitchen. He whips up pancake batter, scrambles eggs, and sticks the cast iron pans into the oven to season properly. Fifteen minutes later, he slides a plate to Mama and makes one for himself.

“Holy shit” she says through a mouthful of pancake, “fuck, you’re hired. I’ll tell Joseph he don’t gotta worry about coverin your lodgin. Assumin you can keep up with them.” She points to the heads poking around the kitchen door.

“Is it lunchtime dude? Because something smells good.”

“Well I’ll be, guess it is” she points to the clock, “let’s see how you are at lunch.”

Barclay spends the next two hours making sandwiches, salad, and staring a stock for tomorrow. He also makes two cobblers that are gone as soon as they come out of the oven. As he takes orders and serves and cooks, the other lodge residents trickle in, and suddenly he’s in the midst of a happy crowd. Dani, Aubrey’s girlfriend, and her cousin Jake sit at the counter and talk to him, while Mama wanders in and out from her office. One of the odder visitors is a tall man with a wide smile who introduces himself as Indrid before taking an entire can of whipped cream from the fridge and carrying it out to his trailer at the back of the building.

As he’s washing up, Mama comes in and leans against the counter.

“Well, they all seem to like you fine. Which makes me wonder; what are you runnin from, Barclay?”

“What makes you think I’m not just drifting?” He dries a plate, sets it in the stack.

“I been running this lodge awhile now. The folks who fit right in? They’re always on the run from somethin’. And you ain’t in a hurry to leave, and you ain’t made no mention of family or friends who you gotta let know you’re alright.”

“I, uh, I had some trouble when I was younger. It followed me around, can’t seem to shake it even now.”

Mama nods, satisfied.

“You mind telling me how having a bunch of folks on the run works with an FBI agent under your roof?”

“Joseph’s a double agent; he works for the UP, does most of what they tell ‘im, but his loyalty is here with the folks at the Lodge. Says he sleeps better at night helpin’ us instead of them. Guess at times, like when you met him, he’s kind of a triple agent.”

Now it’s Barclay’s turn to nod. Mama smiles at him, leaves him to his kitchen. It’s not until the end of the dinner rush that he hears, “I’d hoped you’d find a place here.”

Joseph leans against the doorframe, “sorry I missed dinner.”

Barclay proudly produces a plate of pie, “here, saved it for you.”

Joseph eats as they walk to the room, moaning between bites and licking his fork clean. It seems only natural for them to settle on the bed together, to turn on the T.V and heckle it, to make each other laugh. Only natural for Barclay to feel safe enough to fall asleep on his shoulder.

And when sirens wake him up, all it takes is Joseph’s arm around him and the words, “don’t worry, I’m here” to send him back to sleep.

-------------------------------------------

“How come you decided to help Mama?” They’re as cuddled as the stuffy, hot air allows, Joseph having declared Barclay’s chest the superior kind of pillow.

“I was stationed at Area 51 for an assignment. There was an alien, he’d come through what he described as a gate to our world, and said his name was Vincent. I was the only one who called him that, the others treated him inhumanely. I helped him escape, and he connected me with Mama. She’s been helping aliens for awhile now.”

“That kinda explains Indrid.”

“Indeed. I learned that the UP was working on ways to trap or track aliens from the same homeworld. We decided I was best used as a spy, rather than defecting entirely.”

“Wow.” Barclay cuddles closer, “I always believed in aliens. Sympathized with them too. Dunno, I lost my folks when I was a baby, bounced around from system to system for years, ended up on the street at eighteen. Only thing I ever had connected to a home was this” he holds up his left wrist, on which sits a bracelet with a small orange crystal at the center, “I guess it was dad’s. Never have been able to get it off. Just...I never felt like I had a home.”

Joseph cups his cheeks, “why not make here your home?”

Barclay rests their foreheads together, “I like the way you think, agent.”

---------------------------------------

“What did you need to show me?” Barclay shuts the door to Mama’s office. Dani and Indrid are inside as well, watching him as Mama removes something from a secret compartment of her desk.

“Joseph just got back, and he brought somethin with him we’ve been worried about for a long time. A way of spottin aliens among us. But that ain’t why you’re here. Dani, lights.”

In the dark she switches on a small, glowing green rod. Barclay stares in awe as Indrid and Dani’s shadows change; Dani’s grows taller, bulkier, and Indrid’s sprouts wings and antennae.

Mama, shadow the same as always, points, “look behind you, big fella.”

It’s not his shadow. It’s the shadow of something much bigger, with shaggy fur and an ape-like shape.

“I’m...I’m not human? How is that possible, I, I’ve always looked like this, like a guy, I have pictures of my parents and they’re human too, this, this can’t be right.” He whirls in confusion as Dani switches the lights on and sets a hand on his shoulder.

“Our kind wear charms to disguise ourselves. That is yours.” Indrid points to the bracelet, “I suspect your parents knew you’d be on your own, and one of their last acts was to enchant it so you could not remove it by accident. No doubt they hoped to give you a safe life.”

“I, I want to see, can you get it off?”

“I need some time to prepare. In the interim, there is someone who needs to see you.” He points upwards and Barclay sprints out the door.

“Joseph, fuck, you’re never gonna believe-” He stops, immediately drops to his knees by the bed where Joseph is slowly bandaging himself.

“Shit, fuck, what happened?” He takes the gauze from shaking fingers and dresses the wound.

“A bit of a misstep; another double agent had tried to take the device I stole for Mama, so I had to fight him and he was very good with his knife. I’m okay, they’re not deep, but lord almighty do they sting.”

“Thank fuck you’re okay, fuck, Joseph, I couldn’t deal if I lost you, especially not now.” He carefully hugs his waist, rests his head on his shoulder, “I found out I’m an alien.”

“Oh.” Joseph gasps, “that’s good! I mean, in the sense you might be able to learn more about your family.”

“It doesn’t freak you out?”

“No, why would it?”

“I mean, there’s a difference between helping aliens out and, uh, uh, like” oh god why did he start that sentence?

Joseph cups his chin, moving it so they’re face to face, “and wanting to be with one?”

“Yes.” Barclay says meekly.

“Human or not, I want to be with you. I’ve spent the last week dithering on whether or not to tell you because I knew this mission was dangerous. I chickened out in the end but, well” he leans forward, presses their lips together.

Tears he can’t explain escape Barclay’s eyes as he kisses back. He’s home, he’s home, he’s home and Joseph wants him, is kissing him over and over, sweet words ghosting along his skin. Then the lips are on his cheeks, kissing the tears away as hands stroke his hair.

“I want you so bad.” Is all he manages to croak out and as he blushes, embarrassed by insufficient eloquence, Joseph kisses him again. This time is harder, tongue slipping filthy promises between Barclay’s as his fingers tease along his head and throat.

“That’s a promise for later. And this” Joseph murmurs, grinning before kissing under his eye, “is an apology for punching you.”

Barclay chuckles, “babe, if it meant I’d get to fall for you all over again, I’d take that punch in a heartbeat.”

#agent stern/barclay #sternclay #TAZ Amnesty #meet ugly #prompt fills

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sabraeal · 4 years

Text

Insult on Top of Injury

The Wide Florida Bay | Previous

Written for @vivianwisteria‘s birthday...which just so happened to be right when I was in the hospital, not able to work on anything. But at least this time it’s only a month late! She requested a Wide Florida Bay piece, specifically the moment Obi comes out to Zen...and how could I refuse >:3

This is a fucking disaster.

In his heart of hearts, Obi knew there was no way this conversation wouldn’t have hit like a brick, no matter when or how they had it. As much as Doc insisted that her and Zen were over, that they’d pretty much failed to launch in the first place--

Well, Obi had known that wasn’t the way Chief saw it. You don’t have a deep heart to heart on a yacht about liking the same girl without picking up a few things about how your romantic non-rival thinks things are going. God, he’d told him to propose to her.

Three-years-ago Obi was such a dumb fuck. Good thing no one listens to him.

Three-years-from-now Obi is going to be thinking the same fucking thing about him right now, he can just feel it. Well, as long as that asshole finishes his thesis, he can think whatever he likes.

He shakes his head, looking in the mirror. Now’s really not a good time to be yucking it up over how good Future Obi is going to have it, not when Present Obi is currently wondering if this bathroom is fancy enough for him to have a window to climb out of.

Not that he would. He’s left Doc out there, awkwardly making conversation with the happy couple and her shell-shocked ex-boyfriend, and though she has a gift for smoothing things over, this is--

It’s a lot. Especially when said ex-boyfriend didn’t realize that he’s been one for the last six months.

Fuck. Obi slams his palm onto the metal lip of the sink-- or rather, trough, since this isn’t just a fancy-ass fake Mexican place, but the kind that has rustic-yet-modern details like brushed metal trough sinks and exposed beams and something that might actually be adobe.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” he tells the mosaic bird beneath his feet, and sticks his head right under the faucet.

Ah, that’s right-- the best part about fancy places like this is when he turns on the tap, the water is actually fucking freezing. And if no one is around to hear him yelp like a little baby when it hits his neck, so much the better.

“Fuck,” he gasps, rearing back out of the stream. “Fuck.”

Obi meets the gaze of his own reflection, and god, does he not need the judgement he sees right now.

“I get it,” he tells Mirror Obi, watching the water drip through the bristle of his hair, leaving tracks down his forehead. “I fucked up. Bad.”

Not like he could have done much. He’d wanted to believe Doc too much, wanted to believe that the past two years had all been leading straight to this, to them; that it hadn’t been a meandering path that circled around and sometimes even through her floundering relationship.

Still, he probably could have texted. Hey Chief, just want you to know I’m fucking Doc now. Just as good as I thought it would be. XOXO.

Oh yeah, that would have gone so well. He can just tell.

Obi shakes himself, water spraying over the trough. He’s gotta pull it together. He can’t stay in this fancy fake Mexican bathroom all night. Doc would kill him.

No, not kill-- Doc would never be so violent. She’d just give him that sad pout and say things like, I’m not upset, I’m just disappointed, and make him wish they had a yard so he could go sleep in the doghouse where he belongs. Whoever said, there are fates worse than death has definitely met Shirayuki when she’s disappointed.

He scrubs a hand down his face. Time to face the tapas. Ain’t like things are gonna go any less sideways in here.

The door easily swings open under his hand; it’s almost a disappointment. It lacks the proper gravitas of a man going to his own disembowelment.

A disembowelment that is going to happen about two minutes earlier than he expected with far less of a crowd, if Kiki’s expression is any indication.

“Kiki!” There’s a reddish cast to the shadows around her, thanks to the great big EXIT sign she’s underneath, which lends an artful level of menace to the situation. God, he wishes she wasn’t between him and the door. “Just getting some fresh--?”

She levers herself off the wall, swaggering right into his personal space. It’s both super hot and pants-pissingly terrifying; something that would be right up his ally if he both wasn’t in the best relationship of his life and bone-shakingly certain he was about to die.

“Go talk to him.”

He blinks. “Come again?”

“Go talk to him.” It’s strange; he’s always thought of Kiki as a giant, as a woman who maybe couldn’t look dead into his eyes but at least came close, but standing like this she’s-- small. Human. “Please.”

“I don’t...” He sighs, shoulders rounding. “What am I even going to say to him?”

“Everything,” she tells him, forbidding. “Anything. Just keep using words until this is better. You’re good at that.”

He chokes on a laugh. Sounds more like Doc’s specialty than his; whenever he runs his mouth off he just gets into situations like this.

“Princess, I would love to oblige you,” he manages, “but I’m not sure that’s possible.”

“We’re only here because none of you can just--” she makes an aborted gesture and steps up into him, so close he can smell the spice on her breath. “Make it possible.”

He laughs. “How?”

She pokes him square in the chest. It hurts. “Use. Your. Words.”

His hair dries the instant he steps outside, because if there’s one thing Florida’s good at, it’s being hot as fuck. And humid as fuck.

Use your words. Obi sighs. Easy for Kiki to say; she barely uses any. He’s been spouting them all night, and they’re still here: in a fancy tapas restaurant trying to masquerade as a humble taqueria, with Chief taking a long walk on its short pier. Literally.

Obi trudges down the stairs to the shoreline, hands buried in his pockets. Here he is, all dressed up-- he wore a button-down for this; hell, he wore slacks too, and that’s what really killing him before the breeze kicks up-- and still everything has turned into a shitshow. He ate his tapas, made good conversation, broke the news gently, and--

It’s no good. He can try as much as he likes, but the fuck up here is still him.

He drags his glare off his shoes when he hits the planks, and it’s like he walked right into one of those GQ shoots: Zen’s all artfully disheveled, leaning on the rail with the sort of brooding, thousand-yard stare that cameras love. He’s half-tempted to slip out his phone and take a pic himself, except that memorializing the moment he royally fucked up a friendship seems like a bad idea, psychologically. Definitely a choice the therapist back at Wistal would have spent a good hour on.

“Hey,” he says, trying to be casual, as if there was anything casual about chasing after your bro after you inform him you’re sort of fucking the girl he got off the plane thinking he was still dating.

He shakes himself. No, not-- it’s not fucking. He’s dating Doc. Seriously. God, this is literally the most serious he’s ever been. This is real.

Though, there is definitely a lot of fucking. A lot more than he’d imagined there would be, if the planets aligned and Shirayuki looked at him like how he looks at her even a little.

Zen stiffens, shoulders springing up to his ears like the pickets on a fence, like he can keep Obi’s bullshit out if he puts enough of a barrier between them. Which...fair.

Obi sidles up next to him, bracing his hand on the rail, and breathes. The salt stings his lungs, his eyes, and god, hadn’t they done this before? It’s only been three years, but that night on the Wisteria yacht feels like ages ago, like another lifetime entirely.

He had shitty feelings then too. Just blurted out I like Doc like an idiot.

Use your words, that’s what Kiki said. Obi grimaces. Look how well all that turned out.

“What’s the deal with the dock?” he says, regret instantly washing over him. Why on earth did Kiki think he could do this? “Like one of those big overhang decks? I could get that. But a dock? Seems excessive.”

The silence is disheartening, but Obi can’t say he doesn’t expect it. Small talk isn’t really a thing you do when everyone’s realized there’s been an overlap in boyfriend eras.

“It’s really more of a wharf,” Zen says, like he’s dredging up each word. “Lots of little piers all together.”

“Oh, well,” he drawls, mouth twitching. This he can work with. “Sorry. What’s up with the wharf?”

Zen shrugs, shoulders practically creaking from the effort. “It’s a thing waterfronts do. People have houses down here, and they like to have a reason to show off their boat to all the neighbors.”

Obi can’t help it, he stares. “So they drive it to the nearest fine dining establishment?”

Zen casts a confused look back at the restaurant. “I mean, it isn’t that nice.”

God, rich kids.

“If you say so, Chief.”

Silence settles over them, as comfortable as a wet blanket-- ugh, or maybe that’s just the humidity; they really should be having this conversation where there’s air conditioning. Or never. But never isn’t an option, not unless he wants to lose this, and--

And whatever else happens, he can’t. Doc might have been the one to clean him up and tame him, but Zen was the one that pulled him out of the dumpster. He had every reason to keep on driving, to leave him sitting in a vat of fried pickle juice, but instead he stopped. Instead he offered a hand.

It wasn’t a kindness he deserved. He’d known that then, and he knew it even better now. But Zen saw something in him, something not even he had seen, and--

And he needs that.

“So, ah,” Obi coughs, staring out at the marina across the bay. “Back in the restaurant. That was, ah, a lot, right?”

Zen doesn’t answer him, doesn’t even look at him, but Obi’s watching him from the corner of his eye, and he sees his mouth pull thin. Yeah, this was probably not the most graceful way to bring this up. Probably should have stuck with small talk.

He clenches his jaw. Whatever, in for a penny, in for a pound, and quite frankly if they don’t clear the air, Kiki might kill him.

“Yep,” he says, glaring out over the water. “You’re right. Just a whole ton. Really fucking heav--”

“This was my worst nightmare,” Zen croaks, the words nearly lost on the breeze. “You know that?”

Considering he wakes up in a cold sweat two nights out of seven, convinced Doc’s come to her senses and left him only to find out she’s gotten up to pee-- yeah, he knows that. Inside and out.

Probably...probably not the best time to say so.

“I knew the whole thing was a risk,” Zen admits, with a rueful laugh. “I mean, you told me you liked her, and I sent you after her anyway.”

Obi stiffens. “You didn’t send me here. Shidan offered me a spot, and I chose to come.”

“Right, sure, but I encouraged you,” he says, elbows leaning heavy on the rail. “I told you that you could do it-- that you should do it. And I-- I knew then too. Even without you telling me.” He laughs, wry. “I made the stars align to get you here.”

His fingers clench around the wood. It’s true, he knows; his grades had been good, Garrack liked him, Shidan liked him, but abroad programs were a long shot, and he was not the sort of pony the admin department was apt to bet on. He’d always known there must have been a nudge, a whispered word over canapes, but--

But he really could have lived without knowing it. “Doc was with you.”

“Sure, but I’m fifteen hundred miles away, and you look like-- like that.” He waves a hand at him, cheeks flushed. “And you were interested.”

The rail creaks under his grip. “I never--”

“No, of course not,” Zen sighs. “But all you have to do is breathe and panties come off.”

Historically, it’s a fair assessment, but it’s like he’s forgotten that it’s Doc, the last person on earth who would be swayed by rippling abs and solid pecs. For two solid years she happily went without any sexy time whatsoever from her long-term boyfriend and thought that was a good thing, and it had nothing to do with how well he filled out his jeans. Unfortunately. Would have made a whole bunch of things a lot easier if it had.

“If you’d been interested in me, I would have--” Chief turns a painful red-- “I mean, if I was a girl. Not--”

If Zen had known, he would have done more than eyefuck you for an entire year.

It’s strange how that’s all it takes for things to come into focus. It’s not about Doc, it’s not even about him, it’s--

“I just thought if this was going to happen, it wouldn’t have taken so long,” Zen continues, hunching over the rail. “I thought you’d just...jump each other or something, and it’d be over.”

--It’s about him.

“I should have paid more attention,” he sighs, morose. “I just thought that I knew you--”

“Hey, while we’re talking about stuff,” Obi blurts out, wishing he could stop hearing Kiki’s voice, wishing he could stop thinking, just talk about everything until this is fixed, “you know, stuff we haven’t talked about...”

Zen turns to him, wide-eyed, and god, this is a really bad fucking idea.

“You should know,” he says, striving for a casualness that isn’t even in the same zip code as his anxiety, “I’m bi.”

The word sits between them like a lead weight, like cement shoes.

“W-what?” Zen manages, and god, he’s almost purple.

“Listen, Kiki said that--” he shakes his head-- “never mind. I just-- it seemed like you should know, and honestly, it’s not like you can really get more mad at me at this point, so--”

“I’m not-- I’m not mad.” He is a little breathless, which is interesting to say the least, and there’s not an exposed sliver of skin on him that isn’t pink. “I just-- why are you telling me? It’s not like I’m-- that I--”

“Kiki said we were flirting all of sophomore year,” he says before the kid can hurt himself. “So it felt pertinent to the conversation, I guess.”

“What? I wasn’t--” he sputters before his words dry up. “Wait. We were flirting?”

God, he really has a type, doesn’t he? “Yeah. You know--” he turns to him, letting his mouth take a sly slant-- “before Tanbarun, I could have gone for blonds or red heads.”

Zen stares. “What does Kiki have to do with--? Oh.” His jaw goes slack. “Oh. So you were...?”

“Flirting? Yeah.” He slides closer, brow arched. “Thought I was being obvious too.”

Chief’s mouth works for a moment, eyes darting to take in this new distance, and he blurts out, “I thought you were joking!”

Yuzuri’s right; he needs to work on his game if the result is resoundingly, I thought you weren’t interested.

He grins, dropping his voice. “Ryuu says I like to joke, but I never lie.”

It’s fun to see Chief like this, stuttering and unsure, face so red he’s worried about what it means for brain function. “But you-- you said-- on the yacht--”

Obi doesn’t point out that the yacht was a good six months after Tanbarun, that by then he’d been long gone on Doc. Whatever potential had been brewing between them had cooled, Obi’s heart settling into the long haul of pining for a girl he’d thought would never see him as more than a friend.

Mostly because it’s funnier this way.

He leans in, close enough that his breath stirs the baby-fine wisps at his hairline. “I said I liked you.”

He’d meant it, too, but not the way he would have months earlier, wondering if Chief’s furtive post-shower glances were as speculative as his were. On that yacht, his whole body had been quivering, an arrow ready to be loosed. He just needed Zen to point him south.

“I also said you had great eyes,” Obi reminds him, smirking. “And a great ass.”

Zen’s mouth pulls flat, and just like that the spell is broken. “You said you liked Shirayuki, too. And you definitely meant that differently.”

Yeah, he’d meant to say he loved her, but it seemed kinda gauche to say in front of her boyfriend.

“Maybe,” he teases with a shrug, “but you’re both my type. Stubborn, cute--” he slides his hand along the rail until they’re almost touching, looming over him-- “short.”

“All right.” Chief puts a hand to his chest and shoves. “Joke’s over.”

Obi stumbles away, pressing his palm to his heart with a theatrical gasp. “Why, your lordship, would I ever lie to you?”

Zen’s mouth pulls thin. “No. I know that you’re-- being honest about that. But you’re definitely trying to fuck with me.”

“Can you blame me?” he asks with a grin. “I don’t envy your complexion at all, chief. You give everything away.”

“Ha-ha.” Zen gives him a withering look. “First short jokes, now this. You definitely seem contrite.”

“Hey, I am. I never--” he shakes his head-- “we weren’t trying to hurt you. We just--”

“No, I get it.” He hangs his head with a humorless laugh. “I wasn’t part of the equation. I stopped being one a long time ago and then just...never noticed.”

Obi grimaces. It sounds so much worse when he says it, all out loud and stuff.

It doesn’t make it any less true.

Zen coughs, awkward. “Hey, uh, listen. As long as we’re being honest...”

Every muscle in his body tenses, but Obi takes a breath-- takes two breaths, because this is going to be heavy, talking about Atri, talking about what it’s like to feel like you’re carrying around a secret no one will understand-- and leans oh-so-casually against the rail. “Yeah?”

Nailed it.

Zen squares himself off, like he’s expect a fight-- no, like he’s expecting a punch, and he’s ready to take it--

“I’ve been seeing Kihal.”

Obi stares. “Uh, what?”

“C-casually!” he clarifies, springing back from the rail and shuffling down the pier like he hasn’t dropped an absolute bomb. “It’s not-- not anything serious or anything. Just, you know. Coffee. And dinner.” With a guilty expression he mutters, “And breakfast.”

Obi stands there blinking like an idiot. “Come again?”

“Listen, I know it’s...” He grimaces, realizing there’s no more rail to hold this far out, and holds up his hands instead. “I know I said that nothing had changed for me, but I guess--” he sighs, hanging his head-- “on some level I knew. Shirayuki was pulling away.

“That doesn’t make it right,” he continues, “but even though we hadn’t said anything, I knew it was over. No--” he shakes his head-- “I wasn’t even thinking about it. Shirayuki wasn’t even really a consideration.”

He can’t even think from how loud his mind is screaming. “So you came down here to...what? Break up with Doc?”

Zen grimaces. “I mean, it sounds so bad when you--” Obi glares-- “yeah. Yes. I guess. Something like that.”

“So what you’re saying,” Obi deadpans, “is that I suffered through that whole dinner, your huge ass guilt trip monologue, and this conversation...and you’re seeing someone else?”

“Well, gently,” he argues lamely. “Not like you guys, when you’re, you know, practically married--”

His arm moves on its own.

His palm juts out, taking Zen right in the chest, and he stumbles for a single step in his boat shoes before he falls ass-first right into the bay. A jolt of concern wracks him in the second it takes Chief to emerge, bobbing and gasping, linen shirt soaked all the way through to transparency, and is gone just as quick.

“What,” he gasps, hands flailing for the dock, “was that for?”

Obi grins. His arm might have moved on its own, but he definitely approves. “Really?”

Zen deflates, arms crossing over the planks to hold him. “Okay, this is fair.”

He crouches down, meeting his wide-eyed gaze. “You think?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Zen holds out his hand. “Just help me up.”

“My pleasure, master,” he teases, grasping his hand, and--

And it’s only once he’s tilting, boards no longer under his feet, that he realizes: that’s the oldest trick in the book.

From the pier, the shore had looked a lot closer. It takes a significant amount of actual swimming until he’s able to brush his toes against the bottom-- though he’ll admit, half of it is because there’s no cool, convenient way to swim with clothes on. Doggie paddle is inefficient, but actual strokes look like you’re trying too hard, so they make due with some weird combination of both with some freestyle cussing.

“So,” Zen coughs, once his own feet can touch, a good few feet after Obi can. “Did you like Mitsuhide too? I mean, since you wanted to kiss everyone?”

In Obi’s opinion, the fact that his top three sexual fantasies in Wistal involved either Zen, Kiki, or Doc showed some real discerning standards, like some real Gray Goose level taste, but he understands-- the point’s lost on Zen. He’s in his mid-twenties and can count the number of people he’s wanted to catch in a dark corner on one hand. They’re different people, it’s cool.

“Nah,” he sighs, shaking out his hair. Zen hisses as some of the water sprays him. “I mean, if I didn’t know him, I’d fuck him in a second, but--” he hesitates-- “No, wait, scratch that. I’d let him fuck me, but--”

“OKAY,” Zen yelps, pushing past him. “Conversation over! Too much information!”

Obi grins at his back. “You did ask.”

“Yeah,” Zen huffs, trudging faster, “and now I definitely regret it.”

“Hey,” he croaks, feet finally finding purchase-- as long as he cranes his neck up. It hurts like a bitch, but it’s giving him a great view of the shoreline. “Does that look like--?”

“Kiki’s waiting for us?” Chief finishes faintly. “Yeah, it does.”

He’d grimace if it wasn’t going to get more water down his throat. “Does she look...pissed?”

“I can’t tell from here.” Zen gives him a flat look. “Are you a betting man?”

It’s not much of a gamble with these odds. “How about we just swim up...super slow?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, quickly. “Sounds great. Let’s just take our time.”

The water laps at their thighs-- well, his thighs, Chief’s waist-- when Obi finally clears his throat and asks, “So Kihal.”

Zen tenses beside him. “Yeah?”

“You really--” man, this sounded better in his head-- “like her?”

“Yeah.” Zen sends him a wary glance. “I think...yeah. There’s something there.”

“Good.” Considering how much there it sounds like Chief’s experienced, there better be. “She’s good people. I wouldn’t want anyone to be playing around with her.”

To his everlasting surprise, Zen laughs. Has a good old fashioned guffaw right there as they marinate in fish shit and whatever runoff this restaurant is paying the inspectors to miss. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just--” he shakes his head, hair almost translucent between the sun and the water-- “she did not like you back in the day.”

“According to Doc, she thought I was hot back in the day,” Obi says, basking in Chief’s unstifled ugh. “And then was extremely betrayed when I ended up being an asshole.”

“That does sound exactly like her,” Zen admits with a begrudging fondness. Obi dares a glance in his direction, and-- yep, lovesick smile.

“I’ve since made up for it,” he assures him, hand pressed humbly to his chest. “But she also likes to text me every few weeks to remind me she could kick my ass.”

“Also sounds exactly like her.” Zen ducks his chin, awkward. “It’s good though.”

“I’d say so. I could live out my Zorro dreams if I let Elena de la Vega--”

“Please do not finish that thought,” Chief pleads, eyes rolled heavenward. “I just meant it would suck if one of my best friends didn’t get along with my girlfriend.”

Obi has to take a moment. A whole ass moment while he tries to remember how breathing and not crying work.

Chief claps him on the back, expression etched with worry. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He coughs, and ugh, some ugly cry phlegm comes out. “Just-- there’s pollen or something. My chest got all tight.”

“Right.” Zen squeezes his shoulder with a grin. “I know this is all-- weird.”

“Terrible,” Obi corrects.

“Right, it’s godawful.” He sighs. “But I won’t lose you over being dumb. Either of you.”

“Cool, yeah” He nods, and ugh, makes the worse sniffling noise. “Also-- girlfriend? I thought you said this wasn’t anything serious.”

He’s eaten lobsters less red than Chief, he’s pretty sure. “Shut up.”

“Somehow,” rings a cold voice from the shore as they pick their way over the sharp shells near the shore, “this is even stupider than I thought it would be.”

Obi winces. Ah yes, going slow would have been a great plan, if Kiki was going get to tired of waiting. Now she’s only had time to age her anger, like the wines in the Seiran basement.

Zen gulps, audibly. “It’s not my--”

She holds up a hand, whipping out her phone and flicking through screens so fast that a deep pit of dread forms in his gut. Oh, she’s not just pissed, she’s officious.

They are fucked.

“W-what are you doing?” Zen asks, faint. If he was a lobster before, he’s its ghost now, pale as a sheet.

“Ordering you an Uber.” She says it the same way men in the spy business might say waterboarding.

“W-wha--”

“I’m glad to see you’ve both worked out being idiots,” she tells them, mouth curving, just for a moment, into something like a smile. “But there is absolutely no way you’re getting into Mitsuhide’s car like that.”

Kiki regards the two of them, dripping into the bay in their nice clothes, from down the length of her nose. “The restaurant will lend you some towels for the ride. We’ll meet you back at the hotel.”

She strides away, disappearing up the stairs, toward the street.

“Well,” Zen sighs, dragging himself out. “That could have gone worse.”

“No.” Obi shivers, giving him a boost. “She’s just leaving the rest for Doc.”

Zen freezes, halfway up the retaining wall. “Oh. We’re fucked then.”

“Yeah,” he grunts, “now you’re starting to see the picture.”

#obiyuki #kizen #akagami no shirayukihime #snow white with the red hair #The Wide Florida Bay #my fic #modern au #there will eventually be a fic previous to this #where you get to see the awful dinner #and had i not gotten SUPER SICK for two months #i would have written that in preparation for this #BUT HERE WE ARE IN THIS TIMELINE #you can use your imaginations #to imagine how terrible this dinner went #FOR NOW

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wntrfell · 5 years

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𝐎𝐇, 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐎 𝐎𝐍 𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐃𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄

Based on Nick Kroll and John Mulaney’s special on Netflix. NSFW themes present. Feel free to change wording/pronouns as you see fit!

❝ If you want to do a slice, we’ll get a slice. ❞

❝ I don’t care. I’m gonna get high before. ❞

❝ I’m the type of man you would catch at a party going through the coats.❞

❝ I was also once compared to a police sketch of this Central Park flasher.❞

❝ I am like, Raven-Symoné level upset that you did not get that job. ❞

❝ You know, I once had [name] pretend to be my own wife, in order to throw off the homicide detective’s timeline. ❞

❝ That guy is sick as a dick. ❞

❝ My father was my brother and that’s why we can’t go to lunch today. ❞

❝ Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why, [name]? Because I could not afford Adobe Photoshop! ❞

❝ My baby. My chair baby. He killed you. ❞

❝ Is that the fucking end of the play? ❞

❝ Oh, waiter, I’ll have one more root beer, please. Man… ❞

❝ I’m just gonna flick the tip. ❞

❝ OK. That made it a billion times worse right there. ❞

❝ Not in life or in the play ever, ever put your nail in between my nail. In my fingie meat. For real, don’t ever do that ever again, for real. ❞

❝ Treat a four like a six, and she’ll be grateful. ❞

❝ [name] can hardly get hard, so he must use a tongue depressor as a splint on his schvantz. ❞

❝ [name] is hung like a hotel painting, in that it’s crooked and has seen awful things. ❞

❝ We don’t have any money, and we’re gonna lose our apartment. ❞

❝ Watch out, raccoons, they’ll steal your food, but next thing you know, they’ll steal your heart. ❞

❝ You think if you OD’d tomorrow anyone would give a shit? ❞

❝ Every single person… in their own way… is ugly. ❞

❝ When I realized card tricks were actually a trick, – I said, there must be no God. ❞

❝ I have to say that this actually, too much tuna for me. ❞

❝ There’s too much tuna on my tunatini, but his Martuna needs more tuna.❞

❝ Can’t believe we’re living on a park bench. ❞

❝ We could be living in the subway tunnel if you hadn’t blown it with the mole people. ❞

❝ I’ve met someone. She’s gorgeous. Simply glamorous. Her name is Lisa. She’s a raccoon. ❞

❝ We’re both eating the same piece of pizza from either side, kind of like Lady and the Tramp. ❞

❝ Disney is just a man in California, trying to freeze himself so he can outlive the Jews. ❞

❝ You’re like genuinely a poor man’s Steve Martin. ❞

❝ Remember when I directed that version of Bye Bye Birdie sponsored by Grindr called Bye Bi-Curious. ❞

❝ You know, she is becoming a Yoko between us. ❞

❝ It’s just, I’ve never had money before and I want some. ❞

❝ I’m on the floor. My blood sugar is crashing. Could you go get me a Ferrero Rocher chocolate? Or a Lindt Lindor truffle? My favorite flavor is blue. ❞

❝ Will you go to Long Island City, Queens, ’cause I won’t. ❞

❝ Look at that mop-looking motherfucker. ❞

❝ Did you just take a shit in your show corduroys? ❞

❝ I’m a Peter Pan. I don’t know when I’m gonna grow up or when I’m gonna go to the bathroom. ❞

❝ But you’re an immature idiot. ❞

❝ I lied to my best friend and I loved every second of it! ❞

❝ Is that what you wanted to hear, huh? You wanted to hear how fucked up I am inside?❞

❝ You go too big. You go too big. You’ve always gone too big. You would have embarrassed yourself. ❞

❝ Oh, you don’t need me at all, do you? Well, tell me, how does a toaster work? ❞

❝ Nobody else says it, but Shakespeare is a fucking hack, all right? ❞

❝ There’s no one out there for me. The world just passes me by. Like I have a clipboard for gay rights. ❞

❝ Oh, waiter, I’ll have… Well, I’ll have two more root beers, please. ❞

#oh hello meme #rp meme #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence prompts #rp starters #oh hello on broadway rp meme

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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608

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Lots of different things! I had an Actual™ photoshoot :o, I celebrated my girlfriend’s dad’s birthday with their family, I touched an Adobe app and learned that I’m pretty decent at it, I had a tooth extraction, I did shisha and vape (and found out I liked them, giving me an identity crisis for a while HAHAHA), I had my internship, I was fined by a traffic officer, etc. I had lots of grownup stuff to face this year, and it was all fun.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make New Year’s resolutions... if I wanted to do something I’d plan them any time of the year. Plus making them at New Year’s just gives me a whole chunk of pressure, and I’d rather not live with that pressure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I had a high school classmate give birth this year but I wasn’t close to her; Gabie was, though. Other than her, I don’t think there’s been anybody who had a kid in 2019.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nacho. I still see him in everything, everyday.

5. What countries did you visit? Didn’t get to go out of the country this year. Hopefully that’ll change next year when I graduate!

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? I dunno, this year was already suuuuper hectic enough. I’d ask for more time to rest, but I’m literally graduating in 2020 and it will only get busier from there. The two things I’d ask for is to get to go to a different country again, and to have a road trip that isn’t going to Nasugbu for once (I’ve only had two long drives ever since I was allowed to have em, and both trips were to the same beach in Nasugbu).

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Evening of September 28; it was when everybody was notified of Nacho’s passing. Toughest pill to swallow in my entire fucking life. My social media had never seemed so angry, so scared, so chaotic, so bleak, all at the same time. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? If we’re gonna be serious about ‘biggest,’ then probably not killing myself. Other than that, I was pretty proud of the way I handled and performed at my internship! I was never late to get to their ORTIGAS office (a tiny traffic hellhole in Metro Manila), I had a good relationship with everyone, and on my evaluations I saw that my supervisor wrote a lot of nice things :)

9. What was your biggest failure? I was a bad girlfriend on significant occasions. I also have two classes this sem in which my final grades are going to be held back because of supposed ‘deficiencies’ – but honestly I blame that on the prof because I think she held back final grades FROM EVERYONE ON ALL HER CLASSES this semester. Seriously, if you do that as a prof, don’t you think the problem is you and not us? I won’t call it a failure on my end, but I am pissed about it and needed a space to vent.

Another failure would be never getting to take out Gab’s mom out on a date. I already took her dad to an MMA pay-per-view and we had a lot of fun, but have never been able to do the same for her mom just yet. I really need to step up next year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a bad slip in school early this year and I sprained my ankle. There was also one day I felt bad enough to have to skip class but it never became a full-blown fever, so I don’t know what that was.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I bought tooooooons of new tops this year and totally upgraded my wardrobe, so I was really happy about that. The other is a day pass to a beach resort in Nasugbu that I went to with Gab, Angela, and Sofie.

12. Where did most of your money go? Food to keep myself in school. That and gas.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Lots of things...I mean 2019 was a long-ass year. There was turning into a senior, doing my internship, getting invited to Gabie’s dad’s birthday dinner, going to my first few events to get me accustomed to the PR world, seeing my senior friends graduate college, I also went back to the National Museum this year so that was great, the aforementioned Nasugbu trip, etc etc blahblah.

14. What song will always remind you of 2019? Wonderwall by Oasis or Buwan by Juan Karlos, both because of Nacho. 15. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Older or wiser? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? (I don’t earn money yet, lol)

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? Seeing Angela. I probably saw her a grand total of 10 times this year, which is pretty fucking tragic.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? [trigger warning: self-harm] Hurting myself. It’s been a while since I’ve seen my skin clean for a full year.

18. How did you spend Christmas? We will be spending Christmas Eve with one of my grand-aunts’ family. My mom is very close with her cousins on that side plus family from Vietnam is also coming over, so a get-together is certainly happening. On Christmas Day, we’d be spending the day with my mom’s sister-in-law’s family. They have a giant house and host the best party games which is why we like hanging out there. We’d spend the day with ALL of these people, but my grand-aunt and my tita (mom’s sister-in-law) have some weird friction going on so they can’t ever be in the same gathering lmfao.

19. What was your favorite TV program? I resurrected my love for Breaking Bad mostly because El Camino came out this year, but I definitely watched Friends the most. I have it on autoplay on Netflix 12-14 hours at a time these days because Netflix is taking it out on the 31st.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes, the aforementioned professor who gave me two Incomplete marks this semester. Last year, she was just my enlistment adviser; now she’s a witch who is keeping me from having a decent Christmas.

I also stopped talking to my younger brother around February or March after he slapped me in the face, so there’s that. No plans to forgive him or talk to him any time soon whatsoever.

23. What was the best book you read? I didn’t read a lot this year :( 2019 was all about readings for my classes.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? THE JAPANESE HOUSE. Without a shadow of a doubt.

25. What did you want and get? My dog living another year, my relationship still healthy and intact, good grades, my teeth finally treated hahaha, new members in my org!

26. What did you want and not get? Courage on my end to go to a therapist or psychiatrist. More travel.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Portrait of a Lady on Fire will easily take the cake. That was just breathtaking.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I spent it internally disappointed in Gab for not making it. Outwardly, my mom took us out for sushi (my request) for lunch, then we went home and in the evening, Angela and I went to Feliz so we can have Yabu for dinner then played at Timezone until the mall closed. Not a birthday I want to remember but Angela went above and beyond to give me a good time, and that I’ll always appreciate.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More opportunities and time to travel. I mean we did go out of town a lot, but I just can’t get enough of travelling to different places.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? Chic with a hint of haggard.

31. What kept you sane? My dog, my orgmates, my best friends, and good food.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kristen Stewart.

33. What issue stirred you the most? Duterte as a person is just one big fucking issue that riles everybody up in this country. I’m just waiting for him to die.

34. Who did you miss? Nacho.

35. Who was the best new person you met? My social history professor, Ma’am Luisa. I had always wanted to take a class that she handled, and she went above and beyond my expectations. I’m taking another class of hers next sem – history of women in the Philippines – so that ought to be fun. :)

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: Call-out culture is bullshit. I haven’t done it much since Nacho passed, but I wish it did not take me this long to realize how bad of a strategy it is.

People who mourned him went back to their old habits soon enough and are again publicly shaming people whenever they make a misstep on social media, and it’s embarrassing and infuriating.

#survey #surveys

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nsw4133 · 5 years

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(My 4/20 Edition of Announcement and Artist Statement for 2019, if you will.)

Why NSW4133? I can’t think of a good answer.

Why I draw tarot. To remind myself what odds I’m beating everyday when I do art for myself. I don’t always feel the enjoyment when I’m doing art, because it does put me into work mode a little, but recent work experience made me realise that tarot is one of the few small spaces I have left where I get to be 100% selfish. And so, I would like to retain that selfishness.

What I’ve learnt from this art journey so far. I learnt to manage my mental health and know when I can push for more effort. I learnt to wait for a better timing and not trying to cram all the personal projects at once. I’ve been taking my time off to just focus on my health and just exercise. There were a series of work related promotion and roadshows that I’ve been working on, so I figured that it’s not going to work if I try to force tarot art stuff on top of being on call for whatever publicity stunt they are trying to pull off. So yeah, I have not progressed much in terms of art, but I’m breathing better. Also, I’ve learnt that I really hate the waiting process in freelance work, it drives up my anxiety over not getting paid, so that’s how I know that freelance is not for me.

Personal Power Up. In my personal life, I’ve quit Adobe Creative Cloud. Mostly because I have not been using it that often once I’m out of the office. But also, I don’t really like the idea behind supporting a perpetual beta, especially when I want to keep my expenses low.

CW: Religious conflict and the result of not being completely out in the workplace, or in my life, really. Like, I can only tell you that the reason why I willingly put myself in this super sticky environment in the first place is because I want to build a financial foundation so strong that when I (finally) leave, I can leave indefinitely. Anyways.

Shortly after getting my job, I got myself into my very first bitch fight. It was unexpected because this person was someone much older than me and I’ve always regarded her as the adult in our friendship. But you see, I got myself a job at a super religious place, and I was determined to not even come out at work even if I reeked of the gays. And one of the steps I took was to never tell her that I got a job at this particular place because she also happened to know 2 people that worked there and I don’t trust her to not spill the beans. She found out about it online, not because of me, because I don’t put stuff I’m not comfortable with online, but because of someone else’s social media that had a pic of me in that workspace. She said something nice on that person’s pose, but gurl did she came with a murderous intention in my PM. And so that online fight happened. She felt that she had to know since sHe HaD 2 vErY gOoD fRiEnDs in that workplace. She asserted that she was trying to get me on my feet back, but I’m like, we only talk once a year, we are NOT THAT CLOSE, so I’m not sure what kind of support she was offering?? But it felt out of her character to be this mean and I was so ready to say my sorries. Then she called me a mean slur that if I am still a proud queer, then I need to ghost her asap. And so there were a few months where I keep thinking about all the what ifs and what I had done wrong. But when I think of what if I get to start all over again, I would probably do the same thing and not tell her again. Because I don’t trust religious people. I don’t trust their bait-and-switch methods. I don’t trust them to have my back. And in that particular workplace, I don’t trust them to not gossip.

I never regret coming out to her, but I’ve definitely underestimated parts of her character, which when she used it to lash out at me, I became very glad that I didn’t bother to tell her about my employment. I never got to tell her that even though I respected her and I felt that she was genuine and very knowledgeable, because of her affiliation with her religion and how she is equally clueless about queer people in religious setting, I cannot trust her with more information. There was one time when she asked me to join her church instead because the church that my family goes to is very cliquey, which is true. I never fit in well in my family’s church. But I also don’t care that I don’t feel at home in churches because I just want to focus on not getting kicked out of the house and get my finances under control. Her only counter offer to my “bloodclot church” (yup, that’s what she called my family’s church, as if the entire church idea is not cliquey already) is that the pastor was very open minded and will listen to you. Y’all should have listened to the tone of her voice when she said that. I’m just unimpressed by the idea that a pastor will hold a space and listen to me. What am I, an alien? Somebody so unclean that a pastor holding a listening space for me is considered very impressive? Folks, I’m so done with this. If this is the kind of pastor I have to settle for, then I might as well stay in my homophobic church, because this is not the upgrade I’m looking for. I do not want to be the token gay who has to school the pastor on why queer people are not sinful. I do not want to be there, thinking that I would be accepted, but actually I have to navigate more suspicion because actually internally people still reject me. Or worse, thinking that I’m some project that needs to be fixed. I don’t need to be fixed. I do need queer elders to look up to and I can’t find them in the church because they either have left the church, or have died. I still remember that awkward silence she gave when I asked her if she knew any other older gay people in the church. I already knew the answer because nobody gay would want to stay in that kind of scary environment. I’m just there due to family obligation. It’s just sad that I needed her to know that church can’t meet this specific need of mine. I need to grow, but also not at a rate that is killing my queerness, and you can’t do that in most churches. But anyways, this is the kind of person I’ve gotten rid off last year. It felt a bit silent on the inside because I don’t have much friends left, but I knew that at the very least, we are all clear on what I stand for. I feel a bit sad when she was gone from my life, because she was such a warm and caring friend, but I’ll never regret choosing my own safety over someone’s feelings.

I’m at the point in my life where I knew what I have to put up with if I wanted to get my financial independence. It’s a bit tiring to be in the closet and having to deal with religious dogma everyday, but I’m thankful that I don’t have to starve today. Sending love to all of you who are in the same boat as me today. One day we don’t have to lie in order to earn our bread and butter.

#announcement #nsw4133

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biggy-habes · 4 years

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So we left off with me and Fennie moving in with Amanda. I was a bit nervous about this, because the last 2 girlfriends that I had lived with ended up crashing and burning. One took all of our shit with her while I was at work one day. Nothing better than coming home from a hard day's work to come home to…Nothing. Jack shit. The other one had pissed on our couches and threatened to cut my dick off in my sleep. I slept with a knife in my hand that night. Good times!

So you can probably understand the hesitance. There were some major lifestyle differences between us. She was high maintenance. I am a bit of a slob. She enjoyed being young and having a good time. I was heavily into the drug-free lifestyle of NA. Also…I was a vegetarian. Not just a vegetarian, but a vegan. And a super annoying self-righteous vegan at that. Now how did I get there? How does one go from downing 50 wings at Hooters during a wrestling Pay Per View to eating cashew cheese and lentils? Well it all started with a cat named George. In 2010 I was living in a shitty one bedroom downstairs unit in a shitty part of Lawton, Oklahoma. Every so often a grey cat would be wandering around the tree outside my door. I never saw a collar on him so I assume he just would just wander around the neighborhood. When I would see him from my window I would bring him cold cuts or what not. One day I looked outside and saw him climbing into the tree, however it looked like he had something stuck to his fur. I went out to see what the issue was and give him a hand. I certainly was not expecting to see what was actually in his fur. As I got closer I saw that it was actually burns and scars. It looked as if someone had poured boiling oil on him. I was horrified! This angered me beyond being able to put into words! I felt like I needed to do something. I needed to file a report or something! So I jumped onto my computer and I immediately started searching for ways to report animal cruelty. This would lead to me reading about animal cruelty in general. And this would lead me to reading about animal cruelty in the meat industry. And THIS…would lead to the videos of animal cruelty in the meat industry. And it was that day that I decided that I could not ethically participate in the anything that would promote the things that I have witnessed that day. So from then on I was all about that Vegan Lyfe, son! That was…until I got to Boston.

For my birthday in May we were able to take a few weeks off together and decided to do a bit of traveling. The plan was to spend a week in Boston, come back to Oklahoma, then drive to New Mexico to attend a wedding. Amanda and I had such an incredible time doing all of the touristy stuff that Boston had to offer. I knew a few friends from High School who moved to the Boston area so I had looked up a buddy and we ended up eating sushi at a low key Japanese bar near Boston Common. I figured a walk around after eating would be a nice end to the evening. Unfortunately my stomach had different plans. Soon after we started walking around the Commons I felt a rumble and a grumble. I turned to Amanda and informed her that we needed to find a restroom. STAT! Now here is the thing with large cities like Boston…they don’t just have a McDonalds or a WalMart that you can run into and use the bathroom. And as we continued walking around looking for ANY PLACE where I can duck in and do some damage the sense of urgency just kept rising. It is getting to the point where I am about to settle for an alley and a newspaper. And then, like a beacon of hope, I notice a familiar green mermaid a few blocks away. I immediately start booking with the gait of Abe Vigoda and reach the doors of the Starbucks in a nick of time. I tell Amanda to pull guard while I handle my business. For discretionary purposes I will not dive into the violent details but a few minutes later Amanda knocked on the door to ask if I was alright. And I was. I really was! That is…until I tried to flush. The toilet was broken. It was Dumb and Dumber, but in real life. And happening to me! By now I am looking like I ran a few laps. I am pale and covered with sweat. Like I said…violent. There is NO WAY I would have an explanation for what just went down. So…I did what any rational man would do. I pretended like nothing was wrong and walked out, all the time hoping that no one is waiting to use the bathroom after me. I don’t know what happened after I left that Starbucks that night, but my heart goes out to that poor employee who got assigned that mess.

The next day we had tickets behind the first base line to watch the Sox play the Twins. It was at this game where I came SO CLOSE to achieving a lifelong dream of catching a ball at Fenway Park. A foul ball came into the stands 2 rows behind me! I immediately scrambled to grab the loose ball when a pair of kids ran towards it. I backed off to let them snag an *official* Sox game ball. Good for that kid, right? WRONG! Because he started acting like the cockiest little prick. Talking about how quick he is and teasing his brother with his "trophy catch". I sat there thinking "Listen, you little shit. If you weren't 4 foot nothing and I would have gone after that ball as if you were a grown ass man. You would have ended up somewhere near the On Deck Circle so sit down and shut your fat ice cream covered face!" Now by this time I had been a hardcore vegan for about nine months. And I had gotten GOOD at it. I learned how to spot animal products hidden in labels. I learned which restaurants had off-the-menu vegan options. But being in Boston was going to be the ultimate test. Right now just thinking about being there and not being able to eat seafood is making me the sads. No scallops. No lobster. No chowdah. At the game I was ok with my bag of peanuts while I watched Amanda scarf down a Fenway Frank. But I have always had a weakness for cheese. Not just a weakness though. It is more like I have a problem with cheese. Not the lactose intolerance problem. It is more of an "I Binge Eat Cheese" kind of problem. If I get a night of the sads I will drown my sorrows in a 1 pound brick of muenster. Not just by the slice like a gentleman. No, I have to tear off chunks with my hands like a friggin savage. I happened to notice a lady an aisle over from us eating a slice of pizza. This was not just an ordinary slice of pizza at a baseball game though. This was perfect. The cheese was still hot and melty. The grease glistened from the stadium lights overhead. In a moment of weakness I just had to have a slice of pizza. I turned to Amanda and said "I think I am going to get a slice of pizza." She looked at me, puzzled, and asked "Are you sure? The cheese isnt…" I stopped her right there. I didn’t need to be reminded. #YOLO. So that was the last night that I was a vegan. I held on to being a vegetarian for a few years after that. We can cover that later. Anyways, back to hanging out in Boston.

We tried cramming as much as possible in the few days that we had there. We did a bit of shopping (for her. Amanda was a big fan! Me…not so much. But hey, whattayagonna do?) I took the time to just wander around looking at all the cool sights, the buidings, the people.

Our last night there we went on this super cool ghost tour around Boston Proper. It is one thing to read about these tales about Lizzie Bordon and the great molasses flood. It was a completely different ballgame when you are actually walking around their gravestones! The next day we headed back to Oklahoma, where we has just one day to rest up and pack what we needed for the wedding before hitting the road for Santa Fe, New Mexico.

I did not really know who was getting married. The bride had been a friend of Amanda for a while. Now I know that I am usually cooler than a polar bear's toenails but this was going to be the first time that I would be meeting all of Amanda's closest friends and I was fucking nervous! This was a time where I was very uncomfortable in my own skin and my anxiety was through the roof. The wedding was absolutely stunning! It was held in an adobe brick church that you could not help but marvel at when you walk inside. As the bride walked down the aisle she had a glow to her that caught my attention. It was here that I first imagined Amanda walking down the aisle in a wedding gown. After the wedding we had some time to kill before the reception. We got changed and I put on my game face. I was in recovery at the time and Amanda and her friends still enjoyed partying so I immediately felt out of place. There was also a fair amount of guilt from the feeling that I was preventing her from having a good time. These days when I am in uncomfortable social situations I will usually just start rambling until the conversation gets awkward. However, back then I would just shut down and be the large, weird, reclusive guy. And that is how the wedding reception was. It was just a lot of sipping my coffee and smiling creepily. Thankfully we did not stay long at the reception. I feel like she knew how out of place I felt but was trying my best to power through. Due to the fact that we drove up we were able to bring Fennie along for this leg of the trip so he was a valid excuse for us to leave early.

We took a cab back to the hotel and spent the rest of the night watching TV with the pup. We spent the next day wandering around the city with a few of Amanda's friends. I felt much more comfortable in this setting as I can become charming as fuck in small group situations. Jon Haber is King of the Dinner Table. I spent most of the afternoon getting to know some of her closest friends and let them get to know me a little better now that I was more in my element. There was also something about New Mexico that made me feel at east. The Land of Enchantment has a breathtaking backdrop of mountains and mesas. The architecture of Santa Fe maintains the Pueblo culture and feel.

Amanda had recently started selling jewelry (Translation: She entered a pyramid scheme) and enjoyed looking at the street vendor shops selling various turquoise trinkets. I enjoyed the laid back pace and fresh air. And the food. The food was fucking INCREDIBLE! We went to bed early so that we could head back to Oklahoma the next morning. And that was the end to yet another memorable birthday week. Despite constantly being on-the-go I felt refreshed and grounded. As it turns out I was a hit with Amanda's friends. This was relieving, as the impression that I left on them was constantly in the back of my mind. Overanalyzing the perception that I leave on others has been the one regrettable trait that I have carried in me my entire life.

We returned to Oklahoma and had a week of rest before we hit the road again. This time our destination would be to visit Amanda's mother outside of Vegas. I have never set foot in Las Vegas and was excited to see the bright lights and strange folk that I have heard so much about. For someone who often requires visual stimulation this was perfect!

I am not much of a gambler so I mostly entertained myself by watching the surroundings. It reminded me of something out of one of those In-The-Near-Future sci fi movies. Strangers crowded in the streets wearing any clothing that you could possibly imagine. Celebrity impersonators would have you making constant double takes. Tom Cruise, Pee Wee Herman, Liberace, and of course the stereotypical Vegas strip Elvis. As we were preparing to make our way back to the car the sky lit up like Broadway and an easily recognizable George Thorogood riff blares from all around. Next thing you know Lonesome George is on overhead screens everywhere playing a killer 15 minute set as I sat with my mouth wide open in awe! Being sober I could not take in the FULL Vegas Strip experience but for my first time I was it was thrilling nonetheless.

The next day we went strolling through some of the (free) attractions around Vegas. We had dropped some major coin the past few weeks and were on a tight budget. Amanda's mother lived right outside of Vegas so we had a place to stay. This was the first time meeting her mother. She reminded me a lot of my own. She had a very boisterous laugh and had a light, fun personality. She immediately fell in love with Fennie and was ecstatic to have us staying with her for a couple of days. While we were there I also met Amanda's brother and his family. So if you have been keeping track, in the course of 3 weeks I met the close friends, the mother, the brother, the sister-in-law, and the nephew. This was a pretty significant advancement in our relationship. We had to leave the next morning for Oklahoma so we opted for a nice relaxing day walking around the strip and watching the college kids having their foam parties and beer funnels. It was a great trip and I really enjoyed meeting Amanda's family. I knew that we would be back soon.

And that is where I think we will end this chapter. Join me next time as we wrap up 2011.

And perhaps a big proposal.

#Spotify

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voyagesofshanghaibrown-blog · 7 years

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Fake News hits the hi-desert!

Come on, admit it - it wouldn't be 2017 without some fake news in the mix. And for our final fake news of the year, we turn to author Ivy Pochoda and the "failing" New York Times.

Yes, after all, why should our president have all the fun (we fully intend to tweet this story out as soon as it's done), blathering on about the fake news media all the time. Those of us in the media know far more about how it gets manipulated and co-opted and bought and sold than any two-bit New York real estate developer, after all. And since we now have a legion of mindless MAGAts who know literally nada about journalism all telling us that virtually anything and everything we write is "fake" news, we thought it's high time we just jump into the cesspool with them!

I hadn't intended our prime example of late 2017 fake news to be Pochoda's lovely travel piece for The New York Times, "In the California Desert: Vast Darkness, Vibrant Music, an Oasis," but the more I read, the more it seemed this travel piece had donned the fauxhemian garb of fiction (we stole that term "fauxhemian" from someone in New York, by the way, and we're not giving it back).

Plus, and I need to disclose this in the name of journalistic integrity, an ideal we've all heard about but have rarely seen, I'm jealous. After all, Pochoda's a trendy, popular novelist, and I'm jealous, because I'm on the second chapter of my first novel, and you know what? It's hard work writing these novels. Add to that the New York Times just rejected me for some utter wet dream of a job where they pay you gobs of cash to travel the globe and write for a full year - a job that no doubt saw something near 2.3 million applicants - and hey, so much for objectivity.

Some of Pochoda's meandering desert travel epic rings true, even to these jaded hi-desert ears, though she did claim in her initial story (more about that later) that Joshua Tree was actually south of Palm Springs. Uh, no. You're thinking of perhaps, Borrego Springs, which is also an awesome place to go, and one of our favorite desert towns.

Her first paragraph about winding up in Wonder Valley mostly by accident, sounded like an authentic desert experience. After all, quite a few folks in Wonder Valley have wound up there by accident. Some will tell you they got there on purpose, but press them for details, and... poof! They can't quite recall what that purpose was, can they?

Of course Pochoda blames this accident on mistakenly booking a vacation rental in Wonder Valley while thinking she was reserving a home in Joshua Tree. This is a problem that has gotten worse since her first visit, not better. Virtually all 3,417 Airbnbs in the hi-desert all proudly proclaim themselves to be "in" Joshua Tree. Some are even (gasp!) in Landers.

But by her second paragraph, Pochoda gets down to serving up a hearty dish of misinformation - the kind of misinformation that can only be known as fake news.

First, she refers to our area as the "High Desert." Wrong, wrong, wrong, you urban elitist snowflake. Our area, the area also known as the Morongo Basin, is the hi-desert. The people who actually settled this place purposefully chose that spelling because the Lancaster/Palmdale area has always traditionally been known in southern California, as the high desert. Our wise hi-desert elders (they were wise, but judging by some of their offspring, they seem to have married close cousins, if you get my drift) wanted to make sure nobody mistook our area for Lancaster/Palmdale (good move!), and besides, hi-desert (always lower case, because we're a no-ties, informal kind of place, not at all like Manhattan), sounds welcoming and friendly (though sometimes our residents can be that kind of friendly where they'll drink all your booze, smoke all your dope, and then steal your car).

We see a lot of folks using the term "High Desert," because they're not from here and they want to make sure all of us backward folk get our spelling correct, and capitalize it like it's a proper pronoun, which it is. Sort of. Or not. We often see this unwanted correction of our area's name done by sophisticated pseudo-intellectual urbanites from Los Angeles, or even New York, who also love to refer to Joshua Tree National Park as "the monument," despite the fact that they never lived here when it was a national monument. They think it makes them sound like the fit in. They don't.

But Pochoda's second paragraph contains a more egregious error - and one the editors of the Times should absolutely have caught - that is, if they weren't trying to pass off some of that fishy fake news on their unsuspecting readers. Pochoda informs us that you can go to Joshua Tree National Park (at least she doesn't call it the monument - thanks Ivy!), and "get your mind blown by Martian red rock formations..."

Uh, no. Joshua Tree National Park does not have red rock formations. None. Monzogranite? Sure. But while you can find some red rock up in the oddly named Red Rock Canyon State Park in the northwest of the Mojave Desert, and you can find it in the similarly named Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area, just outside Las Vegas, and in Valley of Fire State Park, also not far outside Las Vegas, or virtually just about everywhere in southeast Utah, we have no red rock in Joshua Tree (unless Mr. Andre went and painted another boulder or something).

Who paid the fact checker to look the other way on that whopper?

I'll overlook the fact Pochoda drops the "bohemian" bomb on us once again (the last time it was the LA Times that did it, and really, once was enough, thank you). We get that we're different than the Coachella Valley, thank God, and yes, while much of the lo desert resembles a well manicured mausoleum, we are a little rougher and in need of a pedicure, or at least a bath.

Now, if Ms. Pochoda were to have submitted her story to this somewhat less than prestigious publication instead of the old grey lady, she would have had her red rocks dug out right away, along with the screaming windmills she had to drive through to get here (they do not scream, that's hyperbolic).

Never mind her brutish depiction of our fabulous Joshua trees with their "knifelike leaves reaching up toward the brutal sun," we all know they don't have leaves, they have spiky things that really hurt when you accidentally stab one into the side of your head, it's her epiphany about the desert that really strikes out:

“I get it,” I say, “it doesn’t look like much.”

In fact, Highway 62 doesn’t even look like desert.

Really? So, Ms. I-saw-red-rocks-in-Joshua-Tree-desert-expert, the desert doesn't look like the desert? Well, it damned sure doesn't look like lower Manhattan, now, does it?

OK, so then she utterly erased Morongo Valley from the map as the first town she passed on her oddessy (yes, it's misspelled, but more accurate this way), was Yucca Valley, where tattoo parlors and smoke shops rival the number of big box stores and fast food joints. Well, she got that right, anyway.

Then, she arrived in Joshua Tree (town, not park), which she describes as "equally grim." Yes, hipsters and fauxhemians, she just completely dissed your "village," in just two words, clearly not understanding that the cool people of Joshua Tree absolutely would, under normal circumstances, kill just about anyone who equated their town with Yucca Valley, let alone refer to it as grim.

Our intrepid explorer, enduring grimness after grimness, continued on to Twentyine Palms, a "town of barbershops advertising military haircuts, more tattoo parlors and smoke shops..." and she goes on to note two bars "too divey even for me," and a worrisome number of massage parlors.

That's hilarious. Back in the early days of The Sun Runner Magazine, when it was still based in Twentynine Palms (before the good citizens of the city offered to firebomb my office, that is), not long after the magazine began publishing on January 1, 1995, Vickie Waite, the founding editor of the publication ran a quite funny piece that gently parodied Twentynine Palms in a similar manner, and it caused an uproar that resulted in quite a few canceled ads and outraged readers demanding an apology. But, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I'd have to say that her portrayal, just like that of Deanne Stillman (another author whom to this day the mere mention of her name elicits an angry response in that scrappy town), is pretty much right on.

The only thing I'd add is that the dive bars are actually pretty friendly, and Pochoda doesn't understand much about the Marine Corps because the base commander will designate any bar that's too "divey" as off limits. I fondly remember the Joshua Tree Saloon's days as being "off limits" because evidently it was too dangerous for Marines returning from Iraq and Afghanistan to have a drink there. This was before they started serving seared ahi tuna salads and putting on airs.

Oh, and I'd add that some folks in the city keep saying they can't do anything about the happy ending massage parlors that service, errr..... serve, the Marines in town. Yes, yes you can do something about them. The Coachella Valley has had licensing requirements that have fully regulated the massage businesses there for years. If they can do it, so can you.

Soon, Pochoda passed the "sturdy" (she loves that word) adobes and emerged in Wonder Valley. She drove by the famous "Next Services 100 Miles" sign (it's famous because artist Andrea Zittel once gave an interview to some big city paper with no fact checkers where she said she lived past that sign - yeah, going the other way, back in Joshua Tree). She bravely drove on through the "savage terrain that seemed to stretch on for a nerve-racking distance." Give her a medal!

Now, honestly, I love it that Pochoda does "get" a lot about the desert, and she appreciates what it has to offer. But snuffling beneath the deck? What desert animal with any self respect snuffles? Was that just a literary device? If so, why do literary devices snuffle? Allergies, probably.

No, I think I've found the answer: wolves. Wolves snuffle. Especially the ones in the original version of her story (that has been edited since our first reading). Apparently we weren't the only ones who caught the fact that wolves had been included in the story, despite the fact that there are zero wolves here. Maybe when sloths roamed the countryside, munching slothfully on the tasty knifelike leaves of our Joshua trees, wolves may have howled, but not for quite some time.

Note to NYT editors who replaced "wolves" with "dogs" in this story: we do have a problem out here with people abandoning their dogs, and those dogs forming packs, and those packs occasionally bringing down a desert bighorn sheep, or threatening and attacking a human. One pack had been really going after our local bighorn sheep, until, a national park ranger explained to me, "we took care of the problem." No, they didn't round up the doggies and take them to the pound.

But while it appears the fact checkers may have awoken at the Times and realized that wolves are not included in our entertaining selection of wildlife, they missed the subtle clue that followed that tipped us off that Pochoda had engaged in time travel as well.

Time travel? How could that be?

Simple. Pochoda's description of the 29 Palms Inn gives it away. She talked about her trip nearly a decade ago, and the wall around the Inn's pool area being painted in "gradients of purple" on the pool side of the wall, and gradients of orange on the exterior. Well, they just painted the wall in those gradients in the past year, so clearly, Pochoda time traveled during her first visit.

But on a later visit to the Inn (which is well worth repeated visits, by the way - we go as often as possible), she understands that being at the Inn in the Mojave is somehow the equivalent of being in a U.S. consulate on a small island in the South Pacific. Minus the South Pacific, of course, or the tall coconut palms replacing our squatter, native palm trees. If you spend enough time at the Inn, you may find yourself thinking it's similar, however, to a consulate somewhere on Alderaan, before the planet's untimely demise.

Her depiction of a night at the Inn is hilarious, with its "rugged tourists" and "resident artists and musicians of a rougher cut." I'm trying to visualize the Inn filled with "rugged" tourists. Were they all wearing lumberjack clothes? Big beards? Those are hipsters! The only thing rugged about them is their desire to make big bonfires during 45 mph winds when they're getting a craving for s'mores at some Hipcamp, doing their best to burn down our homes.

Pochoda's description of the Campbell House is about as shallow as it gets for travel writing, entirely ignoring, well, the Campbells, who really deserved more of a mention, especially in light of their contributions. No. We're not going to tell you more about them. Go ask the New York Times. They're the ones hiring people who don't know anything about the places they write about.

I can forgive Pochoda's hyperbole and odd adjectives to a point, especially since this is ostensibly a story about fake news, even the swallows carving the purple sky, our gritty flowers, and fields of cactuses, with our insistent hidden oases, but then she went to The Palms, which defies description anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I love The Palms. I just can't take my wife there any more because the first and last time I took her there some drunkass local woman tried to pick a fight with her. "Yoush look like onna dem LA womenth," the local woman who is actually from LA, said to my wife, who is from New Jersey. It went downhill from there. The woman, it turned out, made her living by taking pictures of people's auras every Thursday night at the Palm Springs VillageFest, with a special (ie: expensive) Polaroid camera. What portion of the money the woman did not spend on driving back and forth to Palm Springs from Wonder Valley, she spent on cheap beer, knowing full well The Palms never 86es anyone. Not even the shape-shifting reptililans who frequently drop by on Saturday nights.

I was ready to jump in to keep my wife from being clumsily assaulted as the woman got threateningly in her face, but luckily, my wife's hairdresser at the time, Jerry, walked through the door right then and quickly intervened. Jerry lived in Wonder Valley and frequented The Palms, and had even survived a tornado that struck his home. We do have some pretty interesting, and sometimes severe, weather out here. Dick Dale, the surf guitar king, had a giant 2,000 gallon (don't quote me on this because I'm going on memory here) water tank that once was blown something like four miles away, and Jerry had his roof - and his electric meter - blown off his house and off somewhere into the desert, never to be seen again.

What was funny, was that Southern California Edison sent Jerry an electric bill while he was waiting for them to come out to replace his meter. He asked them how they knew how much to bill him. "We read the meter," was the reply. "Oh, you found it!" Jerry responded.

Virtually none of us who live here would be surprised to find out that SCE lies. Some of that might come from the fact that another agency in the line of plying power, LA Department of Water and Power, told some really big whoppers to us a while back. But that's another story.

Pochoda wrapped things up saying "big city artists and artisans and a rumored hipster hotel chain are coming," conjuring up images of change sweeping across our little wolf-riddled red rock part of the Mojave, snuffling through the knifelike leaves of the Joshua trees, and, well, changing things. But we already have lots of big city artists and artisans, and some get me called a pornographer for printing their ads in the magazine (another story, but tied to that mention of people wanting to firebomb my office), and others make me really nice stuff that I love and use, and are as sweet as can be. The hipster hotel "chain," is really just a couple remodeling (slowly) Govinda's old Circle C Lodge. Not exactly Ace Hotel Twentynine Palms or anything.

Pochoda's story in the New York Times isn't a happenstance kind of thing. She has a novel that's just come out called "Wonder Valley." I'm glad she finds inspiration for her storytelling in our sturdy, rugged part of the desert.

Oh, and this notice has appeared at the bottom of her travel story in the New York Times:

Correction: December 20, 2017

An earlier edition of this article described incorrectly the location of Joshua Tree. It is north of Palm Springs and other resort towns, not south. The article also misidentified the source of sounds in the desert. They were coyotes, not wolves.

Ivy Pochoda's New York Times story

#wonder valley #new york times #ivy pochoda #hi-desert #high desert #joshua tree #joshua tree national park #fake news #twentynine palms

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focusas · 7 years

Text

You were never even a player

This fanfiction ignores atla comics. Long fanfiction under cut.

Two years after the war has ended Azula broke out of asylum and disappeared in a country side. This news greatly shocked Zuko. That fear was mostly fueled by Iroh telling that you can’t let Azula roam freely or she will come and deal with you when you were sleeping and instead should be found and dealt before she has any chance to harm him. Iroh never liked Azula, or maybe it was that he saw Ozai inside that girl, so it was natural for him to think that it will be easier to deal with Azula if she was locked in some dark cell where everyone would forget she even existed. So after Zuko had talk with Iroh for any advice on how to deal with his sister, he was so shocked that he called Katara, Aang, Sokka, and Toph to palace to discuss this disaster and how they could find his ‘deranged’ sister. Those were his exact words that he wrote in letters asking his friends for help. Zuko was wolfbat shit insane that his sister may do something nasty and take his throne for herself while at same time Iroh was calmly sitting and drinking his tea. It was so funny to mess with his nephew. Zuko knew that Azula could be extremely clever and lethal and to get into her hands would be fate worse than death, but that was just his superstitions. So after all group has assembled in Fire nation royal palace, they started to think about plan to find Azula and how to deal with her after that. Zuko was the first to talk and offered to lock Azula in another mental asylum with bigger guard escort to make sure she doesn’t escape this time. The gang were mostly silent on this topic expect for Sokka saying that if Azula managed to escape from previous place she may find way to get out from next too and to lock her in that horrible place may not be the brightest idea, but no one listened to him and instead said that they will think what to do with her when they found her.

It was easier to say that to do. All trails leading to places that Azula may have visited or stayed were already cold and would lead do dead ends or it would take so much time to get to other place than no trace of Azula would be found when any gaang member would reach that place to check it out. So after months of searching Zuko once again summoned everyone to Fire nation royal palace to summarize everything they have found until this day.

Everyone, that is Sokka, Katara, Aang, Zuko and Toph, were walking palace corridors and discussing their journeys through Fire nation before entering room where the real meeting was supposed to be. They all sat on cushions with huge maps laid before them.

“We have already searched entire capital island” Zuko pointed to one island map laid before them “Ember island and Black cliff” Zuko pointed to other maps.

“I have checked Jang Hui and nearby islands and can ensure that she wasn’t there too.” Katara pointed another batch of maps.

“And I have checked … ” Sokka started to talk, but was interrupted when new voice have rang nearby.

“It’s good that you all have met here.” Sing song voice rung nearby and everyone jumped out of their place. “It was already getting boring to play hide and seek with you.”

“Azula!” Zuko was the first one to speak.

“How did you get in here?” Toph demanded the answer. She was so sure that her skills in earthbending and her seismic sense would help her greatly to find the crazy Fire nation princess, but somehow that girl managed to sneak past her and was standing nearby. It was big insult to Toph who thought to be the greatest earthbender and that no one could hide from her all seeing feet.

“That’s easy to answer! I was already here when you entered this room.” Azula smirked at people standing before her. “And i could have killed you all if I wanted to do so!” Azula’s smirk grew even bigger with those words at same time fear started to crept inside Zuko and other people minds.

“You were here all this time?” Toph asked unsure of what to do. She was sure the room and all corridors or other places leading to this room were empty and that there was no way that someone could creep behind her. Yet here she stood before them in all her glory; princess Azula of Fire nation.

“I came here today to say that you are wasting your time looking for me. While it was funny to play with you, it soon became boring. You weren’t even a player in this game and it was so easy to mislead you on wild goose chase. It was even funny sometime.” Azula turned to look at Sokka and Toph “did you enjoy trip through the sewers? I knew you had some funny experience with local dwellers there” and could see how they shrug their shoulders remembering this mentioned detail.

“What’s your point?” Toph asked the question everyone had on their tongue tip, but no one dared to ask.

“I am glad that you asked.” Azula once again smirked. “I would like to state that I made complete recovery and if you try to lock me once again in that horrible place. I will escape and kill you for that. So it’s better than we settle this thing peacefully before anything bad has happened to anyone. Fire can be so hard to control sometime.”

“You got better, so what? What are you going to do now? You can’t attack us all. You are surrounded and there is no way out of it without causing huge havoc.” Zuko stated and moved into position to defend himself or attack Azula if it would call for it.

“I came to claim what is rightfully mine!” Azula replied to her brother.

“Do you want my throne? You aren’t getting that!” Zuko stated and moved another step forward with hands extended and ready to shoot fire and his crazy sister.

“Throne?” Azula looked at Zuko and ignored his unspoken threats. “You can keep it… for now, but I am sure we could find ways to work it out later. For now I am taking back everything that you take from me when you locked me in that spirit damn place. I am going to stay here, in my apartment, and annoy you like we used do before you did that stupid thing and got yourself banished!”

“You what?” Katara was unsure what was happening here, but to be safe she opened her water pouch and prepared to defend if the need arise.

“Who’s to say you wouldn’t start acting crazy and kill us all when we least expect it?” Katara asked Azula, who looked too calm when she was surrounded and outnumbered.

“It looks like this peasant girl has some trouble with hearing. Like I previously said, if I wanted you to be dead I could have done so when you were looking for me or when you entered this room.” Azula answered the question. “It was horrible at first to hear the voices in my mind and the power that ran through my body when the comet was passing adobe didn’t help at all, but I finally managed to work it out. I learned that the voices I heard weren’t in my mind, but in other people heads and minds. You could even say it was ground breaking discovery!” Azula took small moment to stop and recount her memories. “But after I found out that thing, it was easy to find the solution to problem and what was happening to me. I was hearing other people thoughts in their heads and later learned how to block them. It is surprising what you can do when you are locked inside house with bunch of crazy or insane people, especially when you are the only sane. Even doctors there were a bit wacko!” Azula recounted her experiences. Everyone was stunned after hearing this explanation.

“You are lying! We all know that you are very good at it and are just messing with our minds now!” Zuko stated after his mind processed what Azula has said minute ago and then he slightly turned his head toward Toph as if waiting for her to disprove it.

“Can’t accept that I can hear your thoughts or read your mind, Zuzu? Do you need a confirmation? Fine! Here it goes.” Azula focused all her attention to Zuko.

“You have a dirty mind, Zuzu. I can see you are thinking about bunch of naked girls dancing with you and calling you ‘Your honor’ to get yourself distracted that your sister maybe telling truth and could actually read your mind.” Azula told to Zuko who was fast to disprove it, but that just made situation worse.

“Oh now I get names connected to girls. Damn, Zuzu, I never thought you will be like that. I can see Mai, Ty lee, Katara and Suki there. I can understand why Mai and Ty lee would be there, but Katara and Suki? A peasant and too much makeup using girl? Really? There are also someone named Song and Jin and June, but I don’t know who they are. Please think more about them.” Azula continued to speak and Zuko become red like tomato. If someone saw him now it may even say he was burning from shame and humiliation after his deepest secret was exposed or that his face once again become one color, red, again. Azula continued to smirk and had a lot of fun. “Thanks for thinking about them now I know who they are. I can understand why Song, who was good for you, but you decided to repay her for it by stealing their ostrich horse, and Jin who was your Ba Sing Se crush could be here, but I never expected that you would like older woman like June too!” Azula was having lot of fun making Zuko sweat, but she was interrupted by Katara stating that if Zuko wants to think about bunch of naked girls dancing with him he has the right to do so and that she should stop this nonsense. At same time Katara and Aang were feeling uneasy.

“Oh just look who’s talking! I know that you both, that is Aang and Katara, think nothing else, but how to make out at any given moment, but … how about you chill? I know that Aang was huge responsibility to recreate his nation, but maybe you wait until you grow up? The things I could see in your minds are … what was that word Sokka use? Oogies!” Azula turned her attention to Katara and Aang and if they weren’t red before, now their faces were same red as Zuko’s. Azula never imagined she would have so much fun by messing with these people today. It was fascinating!

Suddenly the ground shifted and Azula was now facing Toph who was cracking her knuckles as if reading to fight.

“I ‘see’ that you are having lot of fun with these dorks, but you wouldn’t get me.” Toph stated and pointed at Azula. “Let see if you can truly see what I am thinking now!”

“You?” Azula started to laugh while looking at blind earthbender. “You are even easier to read! All you think about is how to wreck as much chaos as possible and then there is something about melon lord. Oh it’s your alter ego, like it was Blue spirit for Zuzu, Painted lady for Katara, or Wang Fire for Sokka.” Azula’s sight landed on Sokka and stopped there. Then her hand rouse in the air and slapped Sokka’s cheek.

“Stop imagining me naked!” Azula growled and locked her eyes on Sokka as if trying to find out his deepest and darkest secret that she could expose and make fool out of him. They both stood one before another with their eyes locked looking straight at each other as if this was some unspoken battle where the first one to blink would be considered looser. One minute passed, then another, but nothing changed except Azula’s face getting redder with each passing second. Finally Azula couldn’t take it anymore and her hand once again rouse up and hit Sokka in the stomach forcing him to scream and fall on the floor.

“I am nothing like what you said! Nothing!” Azula screamed and rushed toward room’s exit.

At same time, outside in the corridors, Suki and Ty lee were walking when they heard Sokka’s voice that was soon followed by Azula’s voice. So it was normal that they assumed something bad was happened there and they rushed toward its source. Ty lee was the first to enter the room and saw Azula coming toward her with Sokka lying on the ground. The acrobat jumped forward and tried to chi block the enemy, but Azula side stepped her and slapped Ty lee across face forcing Ty lee fall on the ground and hold her hand to her cheek before low growl escaped Ty lee’s mouth. At same time Suki extended her fans and prepared to engage Azula, but Azula just ran pass her as if she wasn’t here.

“What just happened here?” Suki asked everyone gathered in this room then after she was sure Azula wasn’t anywhere close, she helped Ty lee to stand up. The girl was still holding her cheek covered with her hand.

“Are you ok?” Suki asked Ty lee and removed Ty lee’s hand from her cheek only to stop there when she found four red stripes on it with some blood flowing out of them.

“Now you really need to tell me what is happening here and more importantly if I should alert all palace guards to help deal with this situation.” Suki asked anyone that could answer her question. At same time Ty lee once again covered her cheek with her hand, but it was clear that it pained her greatly.

“Yeah, I too would like to know what just happened here, Snoozles.” Toph replied while Katara moved toward Ty lee to inspect her wound. Looks like all this time Azula never trimmed her nails and they grew large enough to be used as weapon and Ty lee was unfortunate to be the first to test just how large and painful they could be. Katara put away Ty lee hand, summoned water, and started to heal Ty lee. Both Sokka and Zuko winced when they saw Ty lee face and four stripes on it.

“Don’t worry! You will be fine and no scaring should be left after I finished.” Katara ensure Ty lee trying to make her feel better.

“You are right. We should gather palace guards and move to confront Azula before she hurt anyone else.” Zuko come to Suki and they both left the room.

“Just what did you say to that crazy spicy princess, Snoozles?” Toph asked Sokka after Zuko and Suki left the room.

“Oh, just some stuff. You really don’t want to know it.” Sokka casually replied to Toph.

o0o0o0o

Zuko and Suki gathered guards and moved to look for Azula to find the place where she would be hiding. Neither Zuko nor Suki had any idea where they should start to look for Azula since there were so many places where she could be, but one senior guard decided to speak and suggested to check princess former apartment where she lived before the end of war. Zuko decided that it was good place to start looking for her and everyone went there. After reaching Azula’s former apartment Zuko decided that only he and Suki should go in and confront Azula there alone and would only call guards if there will be need for them. Zuko opened the doors, entered the room and surprisingly Azula was sitting in this room.

“If you really wanted to talk to me you really don’t need to bring half of all palace guards or are you just so scared that your mean sister would do something bad for you?” Azula greeted the vistors. “And I also see that you brought one of those naked dancers with you too.”

“You need to do some explanations, Azula!” Zuko growled.

“I don’t see what I need to explain here? I am going to stay here and there is nothing you can do about it if you don’t want huge scandal on your hands.” Azula replied to Zuko in calm tone.

“What kind of sick game you are playing here?” Zuko asked Azula.

“It’s not a game. I returned to the rightful place that i belong. Don’t worry I already notified servants that I am going to stay here so you don’t need to do anything, Zuzu.” Azula relaxed in her seat and ignored two angry faces that wanted to burn hole in her face with angry starring.

“You know I could get you locked in mental asylum or trialed for the crimes you did during war and got rid of you.” Zuko decided to turn conversation his way.

“Oh don’t joke me. You wouldn’t want to do anything like that. There is no crime you could blame me and even if you managed to create some fictional I would find way out of it or drag you with me. It’s you who should be wary that someone from Earth kingdom doesn’t decide to press charges against you for everything you did there while chasing avatar all those years. After all you always were the violent and not me.” Azula inspected her nails to make sure she got all red skin out that was left there after her contact with Ty lee.

“So what now?” Suki decided to speak for the first time, but was completely ignored by Azula so Zuko repeated it.

“Looks like you have some problem with hearing, but that can be excused, maybe when father burned your face, he also damaged your ear. Or maybe you become so stupid after one too many times someone dropped you and you landed on your head. Ok, fine. I will repeat it. I am staying here, in PALACE, and going to annoy you like all those good old days, when we were still family.” Azula casually replied to Zuko.

“What if I don’t want for you to stay here?” Zuko asked his sister.

“Did that old fool once again got to you? You don’t want any problem with me and I don’t want any problem with you and could have killed you at any time if I wanted, but I don’t. Don’t force me to do anything that you would regret later and I wouldn’t say Sokka what you do with his girlfriend in your room at night.” Azula smirked and saw how both Zuko and Suki started to feel uneasy after hearing it.

“What about Ty lee? Did you really need to do it?” Suki asked Azula and this time Azula decided to reply to her.

“It is unfortunate that she appeared in wrong spot at wrong time, but she deserved to get bitch slapped and I don’t feel sorry for anything I did.” Azula looked at Suki. “Next time you visit my brother’s room, you can also invite her. I know that you both would want to experiment with it. Please do mind and stop thinking what you are going to do later this night. I don’t want mentally scaring image to plague my dreams.”

Next several minutes were spent with starring at each other and trying to decide what to do next. Azula was casually fixing her nails while Zuko and Suki stood before her red face and unsure of what to do. Finally Zuko turned around and left the room and after he was out he dismissed all but two guards that should be posted to stay near door entrance to check on his sister if she decided to leave.

“What was that?” Suki asked Zuko when they were alone in palace corridors.

“I … She is going to stay here. That way we can always know where she is and see what she do. If we let her run wild there is no telling how much chaos she could do. It’s better that she stays were we could see her at all time. ” Zuko started to speak with Suki. “ And looks like she learned how to actually read other people minds, not that she didn’t know that already, but now she can Actually hear what we are thinking and … Ty lee? Did you really think about Ty lee?”

“No. I didn’t think about Ty lee. Well I thought what has happened to her today, but nothing about her… and us.” Suki started to fidget.

“Good. Me too didn’t think anything about her… and us. Maybe we should postpone our nightly activities at least until we can be sure Azula don’t do anything?” Zuko proposed to Suki who decided to disagree with him.

“I think opposite. This is perfect opportunity for me to perform my guard duty and stay with you all night to make sure you are safe.”

o0o0o0o

Azula was playing with everyone and they weren’t even player in her game. Well everyone except Sokka, but Azula was already planning to get this boy for herself. Happy with how things were going Azula decided to go and look for her prey. It was already dark and perfect time to further her goals.

Sokka couldn’t sleep and decided to get some snack and went to royal kitchen. He was walking dark corridors with only light from torches illuminating passage ways and making creepy shadows play on the walls when arm appeared out of darkness and pinned him to the wall. Sokka wanted to scream and fight this mysterious arm, but decided against it when face appeared several seconds later. It was Azula so instead of screaming like small child and running away, Sokka decided to face the princess head on and hold nothing back.

“Did you really mean everything what you said earlier today?” Azula demanded Sokka. The shadows playing on her face, made her even scarier that anytime he ever saw her. Azula was master as scaring people wolfbat insane when it come to it.

“Yes! You are as smart as you are beautiful and you are drop dead gorgeous.” Sokka smiled and decided to humor the princess and instantly saw how her features has softened and started to look more like regular girl instead of some scary spirit that came to claim his life. “You should know that already if you can read my mind. Hmm… Do you want to join me for some snack in the kitchen?”

“Thanks, I guess. I would love too.” Azula was unsure of what to do. This wasn’t supposed to be part of her plan. Sokka was supposed to run away screaming like a baby and making fool of himself, yet he stood up her challenge. So she decided to follow him to the kitchen.

“So do you really can read our minds or is this just another of your tricks?” Sokka asked Azula while sitting on table.

“Yes, fool I can actually hear your mind, but for now I am suppressing this ability since I don’t want to know what everyone is doing.” Azula answered the question.

“Cool! So what it’s feels like?” Sokka was genuine surprised he could talk with Azula like regular person without sass attached to every word.

“It feels strange. Don’t tell anyone, but when I open my mind i am instantly assaulted like a damn was breached and thousands voices start to ring in my mind and I need to filter all that noise if I want to reach someone special.” Azula took a sip of glass of water. “Some minds are lauder while other are more silent. For example Zuko is extremely laud right now in his chamber with a girl. That’s why i have to suppress my ability to hear other people thought for now.” Azula didn’t know why she decided to be open with this guy, but it felt relaxing to talk with someone about it without getting called crazy.

“Meh, that most likely is Zuko and Mai having fun. I heard they were couple or something like that.” Sokka replied to Azula after taking bite of his meal.

“But Mai is here.” Azula pointed to blade wielder who was fast to leave the room and could see that Sokka was surprised by this bit of information. It was strange how this guy could be clever at one point and clumsy and clueless at other. Looks like she would need to adapt her strategy to it and then no one will be a player in her grand game of life.

#Azula #atla #azula week #Sokka #Zuko

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pokemaniacal · 7 years

Text

Pokémon Moon, Episode 15: In Which I Awkwardly Attempt To Bond With A Strange Girl Of Dubious Usefulness

“I’ll do my best to keep up,” Lillie promises me as we step onto dry land. “I’ll be fine! I’ve got Max Repels with me,” she says confidently. “Uh… you know those only repel Pokémon of a lower level than your own, right?” “…oh. Well… I have you too, right?” “And Nebby,” I point out. “Nebby is still unconscious!” “Yeah, but he’s… like… heavy, right? You could throw him at people.” She gives me a shocked look. “Just spitballing!” We start walking. “What level is Nebby, anyway?” “I have no idea…” Lillie answers, a little despondently. “He’s not actually my Pokémon; he’s just been travelling with me.” “So you’re really not a trainer at all? Seriously?” She shakes her head. “With a mother who runs a huge Pokémon conservation organisation? And a brother who… well, I mean, he’s a dick but he’s clearly got talent!” “I always wanted to be a scientist, like my mother… I never wanted to travel. But what happened to Nebby, the way she…” Lillie breaks off, and is silent for a few seconds. “Pokémon trainers really do amaze me. It seems like a hard path to walk, and even so, you don’t let yourself be held back by the fear of seeing your Pokémon friends get hurt. You just keep striving forward together…” “Eh… sometimes you do have to cut and run. Like, being a trainer means being powerful, and being powerful means you have to do what’s right… well, when it’s convenient, obviously… but it also means you’re responsible for your Pokémon, and when it’s someone else’s skin you’re risking, sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show a bit of basic natural cowardice. Take hiding from the Aether Foundation, for instance. The brave thing to do, the noble thing, would have been to go back to Aether Paradise, confront your mother, and demand she take you back and treat Nebby better. But that would have been stupid, because she would’ve literally fed you to a demon. Hiding wasn’t the bravest or noblest way you could’ve played that, but it was the way that didn’t get you or Nebby killed. Cowardice got us both we are today; don’t knock it.” Lillie listens, nods a couple of times, and falls silent.

We soon arrive at Hapu’s home – an ancient adobe house on Poni Island’s southeast coast – and are greeted first by her Mudsdale, and then by Hapu herself. After exchanging pleasantries, Lillie gets down to business and asks for directions to the Kahuna… which is when Hapu drops the bombshell that the Seafolk chief was unwilling to. Apparently there is no Poni Island Kahuna. There hasn’t been one for years. You’d think someone (I’m looking at you, Hala) might have mentioned, before sending me off on a quest to defeat four Kahunas, that there were only three of them. The Island Challenge – an important rite of passage for Alolan Pokémon trainers – has been impossible to complete since the death of Hapu’s grandfather, who was the previous Kahuna. The island deity Tapu Fini, the Tapu of Hope, just… never appointed a replacement. I guess it never seemed important? This is why you should never make legendary Pokémon responsible for human institutions; they have different priorities, operate on radically different timescales, and will occasionally just screw you over without really meaning to. Human leaders will demand gold, castles and expensive cheese, but at least they’re reliable. In any case, Hapu apparently does have some kind of plan to get us the help we need, and asks us to meet her at the nearby Ruins of Hope. Before we can leave, though, an old woman who introduces herself as Hapu’s grandmother offers us one extra little bit of help: another riding Pokémon. “Oh! Thanks, but… well, Hapu already lets me summon her Mudsdale, so-” “I’m not talking about Mudsdale,” the old woman says, chuckling. “I’m talking about this.” A burly Machamp steps up behind her. I raise my eyebrows. “Uh… how exactly do you ride a…?” “Like this.” She gives the Machamp a little gesture, and it steps up to me and, before I can react or say anything, sweeps me off my feet and gently cradles me in its lower arms. “Whoa! Um. Wow.” I twist my head around to look at the ground, then up at the Machamp’s face. It gives a jolly, booming laugh. “This, uh… you know, I kinda have a dream that starts like this, except in the dream it’s always been a human guy…”

Machamp provides Sun and Moon’s equivalent to the Strength HM, allowing us to move large stone blocks in our path – conveniently, since the entrance to the Ruins of Hope is barred by a series of exactly such blocks. According to Lillie, Tapu Fini is said to have the power to “wash away all impurities,” and might be able to restore Nebby. I’m sceptical – the Tapu have no love for Ultra Beasts – but if Lillie wants to give it a shot, whatever. The ruins are somehow smaller than I was expecting. There’s no expansive tunnel system filled with wild Pokémon, no obstacles or puzzles beyond the initial sliding block barrier, just an inner chamber with a raised dais. When Lillie and I enter the room, Hapu is kneeling on the dais, speaking in a quiet, measured voice to a stone statue that I take to be a stylised representation of the Tapu. “I’ve read about them, you know…” Lillie whispers to me. “Alola’s sacred ruins, and the guardian deities worshipped within. The books say that they are… well, capricious. Encounters with them do not always end as you hope.” “Hmph,” I grunt in response. “Sounds about typical for deities. Irresponsible bunch of manipulative little twerps.” Lillie looks at me nervously. “You heard me. If Tapu Fini doesn’t like it, it can come out and tell me to my face…” I pause and look around. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Meanwhile, up on the dais, Hapu has raised her voice slightly. I can tell now that she’s speaking in a very ancient dialect of Alolan, but I can’t understand a word of it. As her incantation ends, she is enveloped in a halo of golden light. She reaches out with both hands and takes a small object hanging in the air in front of her, and the light fades. Hapu clutches the object to her breast and bows her head. “I give my thanks for your great blessing. I will do my best, for the people and the Pokémon of Alola.” And just like that, Hapu stands, chosen by her god, the new Kahuna of Poni Island.

“Oh!” she says as she turns and sees us. “There you are.” “Congratulations on the promotion,” I tell her. “About time too, by the sound of it.” Hapu smiles and shakes her head. “These things happen in their own time. The Kahunas are chosen by the Pokémon we worship from among the people living on each of the islands they watch over. My grandfather died very suddenly, and, well…” “…you weren’t ready. But there were no other young trainers on Poni Island with the skill to replace him,” I finish. She nods. “In the old days, when Poni Island was more populated, there would have been other candidates… I tried to follow in his footsteps, but I was not chosen back then. So I set out on my own sort of Island Challenge, travelling Alola and trying to grow stronger.” She looks at me with a hint of envy. “You must really be something, Chris. To be given a Sparkling Stone by the Tapu, even as a stranger to our shores.” I glance down at the Z-Ring Hala made for me on my wrist. “Oh- oh, I’m not looking to take anyone’s position, if that’s what you’re getting at. One run-in with Tapu Koko is quite enough for me. Besides, I got the impression Kahuna was a lifetime position?” She chuckles. “It is – usually. But retirement is possible. You should consider keeping your options open, if you find you feel like staying in Alola.” I hesitate. “…I’m fine, thanks.” Hapu shrugs and turns to Lillie. “Lillie. The Kahuna you wished to meet is right here.” Lillie blinks and looks confused for a moment. “Oh! Oh, yes, of course! Um.” She clears her throat. “Please, then, Kahuna Hapu – tell me about the legendary Pokémon!” As it turns out, Hapu doesn’t know much more about Lunala or the summoning ritual than we do – but she is able to point us to the twin of Lillie’s Sun Flute, which is kept on a shrine on Exeggutor Island, an uninhabited little nothing of a place near the Seafolk Village. Exactly why the flute is kept there apparently escapes her, but it’s definitely tradition, and if there’s one thing I’m learning about Alolan traditions, it’s that it’s best not to question them in polite company. She also knows where we can conduct the ritual – the Altar of the Moone, on the island’s northeast coast. Once we have the Moon Flute, we’re to meet Hapu at the entrance to the Vast Poni Canyon, and travel together to the Altar.

A short ride later, in one of the Seafolk’s damp, rickety Magikarp-styled runabouts, Lillie and I are unceremoniously dumped on Exeggutor Island’s only serviceable jetty. The island is long and narrow, low and close to the water at the south end, with sheer cliffs rising straight up out of the sea at the north end, and a winding, gently sloping trail connecting the two. We quickly learn how it got its name: it’s inhabited mainly by Exeggcute and Exeggutor, belonging to a curious Alolan subspecies. The Exeggcute seem identical to their Kanto cousins, but the Exeggutor have almost comically long necks that sway precipitously in even the slightest breeze… and apparently have Dragon-type abilities. Because Dragon-types obviously made way too much sense when all we had to deal with was Altaria, Mega Ampharos, Noivern and Goodra. “You. Cortana McSiri. Explain,” I tell the Rotomdex. “Zzzzt! Azz it grew taller and taller, it outgrew its reliance on pzzzychic powers, while within it awakened the power of the zzzleeping dragon!” “You just made that up; that doesn’t make any sense at all.” The Rotomdex buzzes indignantly, flies into my backpack, and turns itself off. “Impudent little electronic charlatan,” I mutter. The Rotomdex bleeps back on, delivers a mild shock to my lower back, then switches off again. “Hey! If you keep pulling that kind of $#!t I swear-” “Chris! Hurry up!” calls Lillie, who has already set off up the path towards the island’s summit. I shrug and follow her.

As we climb the hill, Lillie and I are caught in a sudden rainstorm, and take shelter beneath a rocky overhang. After a few minutes of awkwardly staring out into the sheets of water, Lillie attempts to make conversation. “Rain in Alola, huh…” “…that’s your icebreaker?” I ask. “Literally talking about the weather?” Lillie glares at me, and for a moment I see Gladion’s piercing eyes in hers. “…whoa, okay. You have a talent for that. You should ask your brother for some pointers some time; I’m convinced he could kill a Donphan by looking at it the wrong way.” She looks stunned for a moment, then laughs. “My brother… we’ve grown so far apart, but if we can’t save my mother, he’s all I’ll have left…” She stares out at the rain again. “This… reminds me of one time, when I was little. I’d seen it in a movie… this man singing and dancing in the rain. I had to try it myself. My mother spotted me out in the rain, and she was so shocked that she ran right out after me without even bothering to get an umbrella. And then… she smiled… and she danced with me in the rain…” I frown. “It sounded like she doesn’t have quite the same fond memories of your relationship… what happened?” “I… don’t know. She just… changed. All she could think about was the Ultra Beasts… and Null and Nebby both ended up suffering so much. And I couldn’t do anything.” I frown again. “There’s a lot of things that can change a person. Despair, hunger for power, conviction in a cause you thought was more important than anything… to be honest, legendary Pokémon can f&%# with your brain pretty hard too; I’ve seen all of the above. All at once, in some cases…” “Do… do you think we can save her?” “Honestly? I have absolutely no idea. The last guy I can think of who went through something similar to your mother… well, I don’t really know where he went, but he’s definitely not coming back.” Lillie’s face falls, and she is silent for a while. “What are you going to do once you finish your island challenge?” she asks eventually. “What I came to Alola to do in the first place. Hit the beach! I’m gonna need a holiday to recover from this holiday…” “Is that all?” she prods. “…well,” I say slowly. “There’s… this guy.” Lillie looks puzzled for a second, then understands. “Oh! Ohhhh, you mean… there’s this guy.” “…exactly.” “Alola’s a nice place for it,” Lillie points out. “People always say this region is one of the most romantic settings in the world…” I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I read the brochures too. But… well, the last time I saw him, I… kinda treated him badly, and…” “I see…” A sudden look of comprehension crosses Lillie’s face. “Wait, we aren’t talking about Hau, are we?” I blink and nearly fall over backwards in shock. “Wh- what? No! No, god no! Just… wow. No.” I shudder involuntarily. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s really sweet and all, but… god no.” Lillie raises her eyebrows. “No, seriously, Hau is… look, he’s a great guy, in his own random and incoherent way, but he’s… more like a little brother to me. A really, really annoying little brother.” I shake my head. “No.” “…I think the sun is coming out.” “Oh, thank Arceus.” It turns out we were already quite close to the hilltop. At the highest point on the island, a simple stone shrine prominently displays the thing we came for: a flute, intricately carved, coated with pristine blue lacquer, and bearing a crescent moon symbol. “Now we have both flutes!” Lillie exclaims. “Don’t get too excited,” I tell her. “That was the easy part.” “I don’t know if it will really summon the legendary Pokémon, but we can at least try! If nothing else, we’ll have sounded the flutes in offering, just like people used to do.” I shrug. “I guess it is a once in a lifetime sightseeing opportunity…”

Back on Poni Island, we return to Hapu’s home and turn north, towards the entrance of the canyon. The terrain is harsh and dry – I can see why so few humans choose to live here, and how the only ones who do might become skilled and tenacious Pokémon trainers. Equally unsurprising is how few of the tourist brochures choose to put Poni Island front and centre… Suddenly, Lillie grabs my arm, interrupting my musing, and points ahead at the trail leading into the canyon. The path is blocked by half a dozen Team Skull grunts… including B. Lillie and I exchange cautious glances and approach them. Lillie decides to open the conversation. “You’re from Team Skull. What is it that you want from us?” B looks right at me for a few seconds, then back at Lillie and speaks to her. “We heard about what you numskulls got up to at Aether. Do you really know a way to save our boy Guzma!?” “Um… well, we- that is, we’re trying to-” Lillie stammers. “We might. Why do you care?” I ask. “Tell us! Now!” one of the other grunts yells. I look at her and raise one eyebrow. “Or what?” B gives her a warning glare, but she’s already rushing forward, hurling a Pokéball. “We can make you talk, even if we have to cut you to the bone!” Her Pokémon, a Fomantis, materialises between us. I sigh theatrically and flick at one of my own Pokéballs with a finger. A few seconds later, my Decidueye is standing over the unconscious Fomantis. He hoots smugly, takes a bow, and returns to his Pokéball. “Where were we?” The grunt stares in shock for a few seconds, then recalls her Fomantis and runs off. B ignores her and addresses me. “If anyone’s goin’ after Guzma, it’s gotta be us. You tell us the way; it’s only just!” The other grunts nod and murmur their approval. “Lillie and I have in our possession a pair of flutes that may – and I stress may – allow us to conduct a summoning ritual for a legendary Pokémon capable of pursuing your boss and the President of the Aether Foundation to… wherever it is they’ve gone. Now-” “So hand over the flutes, li’l homeslice!” he interrupts. “Even if you had the necessary archaeological knowledge to perform the ritual correctly… which frankly I doubt… you know I can’t possibly entrust a power like Lunala’s to a group like yours. Um. No offence.” “Yo, that ain’t fair!” B protests. “We ain’t what you think!” I look at him quizzically. “Why do you even want Guzma back? From what I’ve seen, he treats all of you like garbage.” Several of the grunts shift their weight awkwardly. “You wouldn’t understand,” B says, looking at his feet. “Try me.” He shakes his head. “…Guzma’s… he ain’t always been a great boss and all, and sure he could be a bit more chill, but…” “…he’s like family,” Lillie suggests. B looks at her quietly for a few seconds. “Yeah. Team Skull’s the only family what most of us’ve got. You’re the Prez’s daughter, right? You gotta see why we have to do this.” I search his eyes, and see no hint of deception. “You feel responsible for him.” “If I’da helped you out the other day… if we’da held Guzma back…” “He wouldn’t have gone with Lusamine; I see your point…” I finish. “Listen, we’re mostly looking for the President. But if it’s that important to you, we’ll see if we can find Guzma on the way. Now, if you don’t mind-” “That ain’t good enough!” B shouts, stamping his foot. “I’m comin’ with y’all!” “What? B, we-” “Sure!” Lillie proclaims brightly. I spin around to look at her. “What?” “It can’t hurt!” “It can hurt! I- I can’t guarantee his safety; it’s bad enough I have to look out for your stately backside, and –” “Wait,” Lillie interrupts. “Wait a minute.” She looks back over at B, and points at him. “Is this…?” “Yes,” the other grunts chorus, rolling their eyes in unison. B turns bright pink. “Why shouldn’t he come with us, Chris?” “I- but- I- I told you why-” “I’ll battle you!” B blurts. “To prove I ain’t gonna slow you down! To prove I’m hard enough!” “Oh, don’t you start that $#!t again-” “Well, I think you should do it,” Lillie says. “You did say you had something to make up for…” “What? I didn’t-” “Zzzt! I’m with her on thizzz one, boss!” the Rotomdex buzzes from inside my backpack. “Nobody asked you, you malfunctioning audiobook!” I shout over my shoulder. “Yo, we doin’ this!?” B demands, his hand by his Pokéballs. “I liked you better when I thought you were evil,” I tell Lillie with a glare, and step forward to fight B.

To B’s credit, he’s been practicing. Not only has his roster swelled to five Pokémon with the addition of a Raticate and a Mareanie, they’re strong enough to give mine pause for thought. Still, with mostly Poison-types on his team, he has trouble fighting back against my Psychu meaningfully after my Toucannon blows up his Raticate. A few minutes later, we stand victorious once again. “I’m not giving up, even though you beat me!” he shouts defiantly. “I’m part of Team Skull! We’re thick as anything!” I open my mouth to retort, but stop myself. “…not going to take the easy comeback; it’s beneath me.” “That’s enough,” says a familiar voice from behind me and Lillie. I turn around – and see Plumeria. “…oh, hi, Plumeria!” I start, as brightly as I can manage. “Please don’t kill me.” She stares daggers into my skull for a few seconds. I gulp audibly. “Hmph.” She turns to Lillie. “You, girlie… Lillie, right? You really ready to do this finally?” Lillie says nothing, but nods. “To be honest, I’ve treated you really badly. I guess it’s probably to late to apologise now, though.” She pauses for a second. Lillie says nothing. Plumeria shakes her head and continues. “But look… Guzma… he really likes the President, you know? She’s the only one who ever seemed to understand how strong he was.” Lillie looks back at her sadly. “The President… my mother is- she’s selfish. She lavishes her love only on those she deems worthy. But I will save her. We will save her.” She glances at me. “I still have something I need to tell her. And…” her gaze flicks to B for a moment, “I think I can save Guzma as well.” Plumeria follows Lillie’s eyes to B, then grunts and looks back to Lillie again. “You know… deep down, you’re kind of like the President.” Lillie’s eyes widen and she opens her mouth to protest, but Plumeria cuts her off. “In a good way. You’ve gone in a different direction, but I can tell you have the same strength in your convictions. Bring Guzma back if you can. No one can make up for what they’ve done if they’re gone.” Lillie nods. “I’ll do what I can.” Plumeria turns to B. “So. Looks like you were special after all, kid. Standing up to be a leader in Team Skull. You’re the real deal. The realest Pokémon trainer we’ve had in a while.” He blinks a couple of times. “Um. Thanks, sis.” “Take good care of our little princess here, okay? And…” she stops for a moment, as if to think, then nods to herself. “Take this.” She tosses B a small purple crystal. “It’s Poisonium-Z. I know you don’t have much use for it now, but… someday.” She turns to me, and says nothing for fifteen solid seconds, just glaring a burning hole in my forehead. Finally, she speaks, in the friendliest, most casual tone I’ve ever heard her use. “If B doesn’t come back in one piece, then Pokémon or no Pokémon, I will flay every square inch of your body and feed what’s left of you to the Sharpedo.” A single high-pitched squeak escapes my throat as Plumeria signals to the other grunts, then spins on her heel and stalks off.

The team:

Tane the Decidueye Male, Timid nature, Overgrow ability Level 45 Steel Wing, Leaf Blade, Synthesis, Spirit Shackle

Rhea the Toucannon Female, Lax nature, Keen Eye ability Level 44 Bullet Seed, Roost, Beak Blast, Brick Break

Ashley the Psychu Female, Timid nature, Surge Surfer ability Level 44 Discharge, Hidden Power (Ice), Nasty Plot, Psychic

Joanna the Salazzle Female, Timid nature, Corrosion ability Level 44 Flamethrower, Nasty Plot, Sludge Bomb, Toxic

Sigourney the Golisopod Female, Careful nature, Emergency Exit ability Level 44 Brick Break, Payback, First Impression, Leech Life

Zygarde Genderless, Sassy nature, Aura Break ability Level 40 Safeguard, Stone Edge, Dragon Dance, Thousand Arrows

#pokemon #alola #pokemon moon playthrough #lillie #hapu #poni island #seafolk village #team skull #plumeria

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specialmindz · 8 years

Photo

“Ooooh! Look at dat bunny baby Snas!”

“Mmnahh..gag..”

“heh, it’s a cutie all right,” said Sans smiling as the baby continued to gurgle. Apparently it had just woken up from a nap.

I wish my brother took naps.

“Dat baby’s fluffy as hell lady!”

“Um, uh..thank yo-”

“Where you get these fluffy babies? You gots two and now you gets twee?! Where da’ baby store at?!”

“W-well-”

“*sniiiiiff*”

“Please..don’t do that Sans.”

“TELL ME WHERE DA’ BABY STORE AT!”

“volume lil’ bro.”

“Why don’t you ask your parents where the babies come from?” asked the mother rabbit nervously.

They’ve so much energy…

“I KNOWS where babies come from! Daddy says babies come from da’ store like erything else, but I can’t FINDS it! I looks and I looks, but I can’t finds it nowheres!”

“Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“the baby store huh?”

“Yep! Didn’t you know dat Snas? You buy da’ babies at the secret store…”

“heh heh heh, no i didn’t know that pap.”

Bro’s so cute…

“Is too! The store like a secret cwub and you can only gets in if you go with someone you loves…”

“Awww!”

“You can also gets em’ online if you go to the Deep Web.”

“….”

“the what…?”

“Dat’s probly where Daddy get us cause’ nobody love him.”

“papyrus!”

“Daddy say I’s da’ worst purchase he ever maked-”

“Let’s change the subject-”

“Cept’ for Snas.”

“….”

“He gotted the two for one deal online, but they sends him cwap babies. Snas’ font don’t work and he be cweepy-”

“Would you like to hold the baby Papyrus?”

Papyrus’s eyes lit up. “Yeah! I gonna holds it real good! Look Snas, watch the baby!” Papyrus carefully cradled the newly born rabbit in his arms, being careful to support it’s neck, much to the mother’s surprise.

“Eerrah…?” The baby looked at him warily.

“Hellwoe baby, you’s so cute! Erybody gonna love you cause’ you’s a bunny and nobody hate bunnies. How old you be?”

“He’s-”

“I asked the baby.”

“bro…!”

“Heh heh ha ha ha! It’s alright Sans, he WAS talking to my little one after all,” said the innkeeper laughing.

Still…

“pap needs to learn some manners, he’s getting so rude…”

“Baby not wude!” exclaimed Papyrus angrily.

“You’re a baby?”

“Course’ I’s a baby! Look at dis butt! I gots a tiny hiney and tiny hands and tiny feets-”

“But you’re a little tall to be a baby don’t you think? You’re probably a toddler.”

“Well you’s a widdle ugly to be a bunny, and he probably found!”

“papyrus no!”

“Heh heh ha ha ha! Okay, that was a little rude.”

“you’re getting out of hand baby bro,” said Sans embarrassed. “these days if you aren’t threatening people or interrupting them, you’re bossing them around! dad might take you back to the store if you don’t behave you know…”

“Sans!”

“Is too dat da’ baby still innerrupt peoples, but Muder teachin’ me to be good and I’s getting better! You don’t know what you’s talkin’ bout’ Snas. Isn’t that right bunny baby?”

“Gha-roo?”

“mother? is that what you said?”

We don’t have a mother…

“Yep, Muder teaches the manners and gives me sweets when I’s good! She real nice-”

“we don’t have a mother papyrus, who is this person you’re talking about?”

It can’t be the lady who runs the store here in Snowdin, Papyrus always calls her the cinnabun lady…

Who the hell…?

It bothered Sans that someone, ANYONE, would take it upon themselves to look after his little brother..especially with the rumors about him still flying around. So far Papyrus had scared or killed everyone off in the lab and the grieving families and terrified survivors made it known all over the Underground. His brother was on his best behavior with the rabbit family, but everyone else learned to avoid him a long time ago as dogs in Snowdin disappeared and the puzzles in Hotland begun to mysteriously malfunction due to baby toys being shoved between the gears.

Who would want to risk their life taking care of a baby that isn’t even theirs?

The jumping platform puzzles sometimes sent monsters who used them hurling into the lava where their dust couldn’t even be collected, causing most monsters who couldn’t survive such temperatures to try and find an alternate route to work or school. Protests against his brother had been common for a long time until finally the king gathered everyone in the Underground and said something that turned Sans’ soul to ice.

“Okay child, apologize to all the people now,” said Asgore lifting the baby bones up to the mic.

“I’s not a child, I’s a baby!”

“Oh dear, my mistake, heh heh ha. You’re so intelligent I sometimes forget you’re just an infant!”

“Babies aren’t stupid, YOU’S stupid!”

“c’mon bro…”

“Just tell your lie Papyrus so we can all go home.”

“!!!!”

Asgore knows Papyrus can make people believe his lies, but he’s a guy! He can’t BE a mother!

“The purple lady big Buther! She a classy lassy!”

“purple..lady…?”

I don’t know anyone like that…

“h-how come i’ve never met her bro?”

If this person’s real, they’re a freaking psycho.

“She only take care of babies. Mamma spidies don’t look after children and she likes to cook big people’s into doughnuts-”

“Sans can I talk to you a minute alone please?”

“Hey! I’s talkin’ over here!”

“I’m sorry dear, but this is important. Can you look after the baby alone for a minute or two?”

“you’re leaving your baby with papyrus?!”

“It’s VERY IMPORTANT Sans.”

“uh, okay…”

The mother rabbit led Sans upstairs to the second floor of the inn.

“is this about the purple-lady?”

“Yes it is,” said the mother rabbit quietly. “You said you don’t have a mother and your father sounds…”

“like a prick.”

“Yes.”

“okay, so?”

“So it’s common for children to have imaginary friends when they’re lonely, and your brother may be pretending to have a mother because he doesn’t like his father.”

“ohhhh!”

I didn’t think of that!

That’s kinda sad actually…

“I think it’d be best to just let him pretend, okay? We don’t want him to feel unloved, especially with all these horrible rumors around! My husband I’m ashamed to say, was a part of the war against skeletons and there are a lot of people here who still don’t-”

“huh?”

“What?”

“what war? what are you talking about?”

Oh dear.

“Um, never mind darling! Just look after your brother alright? He needs your love and support.”

“yes ma’m. i’ll try my best.”

“*Sigh*” The mother rabbit pet Sans affectionately on the head. “You’re such a good boy Sans, I wish more people were like you. Listen, if you ever need to talk-”

“i’ll be fine. it’s not as bad as pappy makes it sound, dad’s just a smartass, he doesn’t put us in cages or anything, heh.”

“Oh good, I was worried for a bit! We don’t want you or your brother growing up to be crazy sociopaths do we? Heh heh ha ha ha!”

“……”

“Well let’s go back downstairs before your brother takes to kidnapping. *giggle* I think he might want a baby of his own~”

“well i can’t help him with that, unless you wanna do me a favor.”

“…..”

“i’m sorry.”

“…Don’t worry child, keep practicing. You’re Comic Sans, you’ll be funny someday I just know it!”

Ow.

“NO BABY, DON’T EAT DA’ SCARF! I COOKS YOU FOR BREAKFAST!!”

“Go get him please, and remember what I said about taking care of your brother.”

“yes ma’m, i’ll take good care of him, i promise.”

Sans went back downstairs.

Alright, I’m guessing you’re all wondering why I obviously used my own art here instead of paying tribute to someone else’s with my mini stories as per usual. Well that’s because the artist had a problem with people posting their art so I took theirs down out of respect...even though I spent an hour on the story beneath it.

I tried making a replica in photoshop in order to salvage the story, but adobe’s being a bitch and lagging, so the art came out badly. Hard to select, erase, or generally do anything with something when you have to move your mouse over the small part you wanna change for a full two minutes (I spent hours trying to make it look like Sans WASN’T aiming to look at the innkeeper’s boobs). -_-

#fonttale #fonttale au #undertale #undertale au #undertale fanart #undertale art #papyrus #sans #kid sans #baby papyrus #baby bones #annoying baby #fonts #skeletons #horror fonts #comedy #funny #muffet

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