#I just mean I have spent most of my day in hibernation and I have emerged feeling less than human

[shibaraki]

unfortunately for you all I am still alive

[fanficimagery]

The Mikaelson Upgrade

When Elijah sends his sister to check on you during a harsh Winter, the Mikaelsons move you in with them.

Words: 7.4K  Author’s Note: So, I thought this was so good, but when I started editing it, I realized it was terrible lmao. But I need something to post, and this is the only completed thing I had. Sorry. 

With a basket half full of non-perishables and a case of water, you're standing on the opposite side of the grocery store and staring at their small selection of home hardware in hopes of finding something to weatherize your small apartment even further than it already was.

The central heat was out so you're going to be forced to use space heaters and you'd already glued some thin strips of foam all around your doorways to keep the drafts of winds out. This was only going to be your second winter in the apartment so you knew it could get cold, but this winter was predicted to be an extremely cold one and you wanted to be prepared.

The windows weren't the best insulated, so when you heard the trick about bubble wrap being plastered to the windows to help keep the heat in, you figured it was worth a shot. But as you stare at the prices of the different sized rolls, you sigh and realize you might just have to pile all your blankets atop you instead.

"Miss YLN?"

Your name being uttered startles you from your mental musings and you turn to the source. You stand a little taller at the striking figure looking so out of place in the hardware aisle. "Elijah! Hi," you sheepishly grin at him. "How are you?"

His lips twitch. "I'm doing well. And yourself?" He wonders. "I couldn't help but realize you looked quite lost in thought."

Your cheeks burn in embarrassment, but you chuckle nonetheless. "I was trying to determine whether or not it was worth it to buy the bubble wrap."

Elijah looks at the overly large rolls of wrap. "And pray tell what you would need so much bubble wrap for?"

"Winter is coming, Mr. Mikaelson, and I am merely a fragile human." He still doesn't get what you mean, so you elaborate. "I heard bubble wrap on the windows can help keep the cold out. I'm desperate."

"Ah. I see."

It doesn't look like he quite gets it, but you don't call him out on it. Instead, you say, "But I think it's probably cheaper to just hibernate under my blankets."

As you start to push your basket away, Elijah follows. "What about your parents? Surely you could stay with them during this harsh winter."

"Nah." You shake your head. "We're on shaky terms at the moment. My dad barely wanted to give me extra money for groceries, so I rather stay in my shitty apartment than live in a tense atmosphere."

From the corner of your eye you see Elijah looking at you, but you keep your own gaze forward. Then when you come to the checkout lane, he leaves you with, "If you need anything, my siblings and I are only a call away."

"Thanks, Elijah." You glance at him with a small smile. "Say hello to Rebekah and Niklaus for me, will you?"

"I will. Good evening, Miss YLN."

The first night of the winter storm is brutal. Within hours the temperature dropped drastically and the wind howled. Several feet of snow was predicted and your college professors all emailed that classes had been temporarily canceled due to the storm.

You tacked up tarps over your front door and back door, and even the front windows to your living room. You had unplugged every kitchen appliance you knew you weren't going to use and stowed them away, plugging in a small space heater that you left running on the empty kitchen counter. You had one heater in your bedroom that you only used when you slept, another heater in the bathroom that you only turned on before you showered, and another heater running in the living room where you spent most of your time.

All in all, what was once your favorite season is now something you desperately want to hurry up and be over with.

On the third day, you're trembling under three blankets debating whether or not it was worth it to get up and make yourself something to eat.

And just when you've decided that a nap sounds really good, there's a knock on your front door.

You quietly groan but refuse to get up.

Another knock sounds.

"If you're of the immortal population and friendly, then just walk in. It's too cold to get up," you mutter.

You hear the door creak open and the tarp crinkle as it's moved. "What the bloody hell is this?" You huff a laugh at Rebekah's disdain. "Honestly, YN, don't you ever listen?"

"Hmm?"

"Elijah told us about your situation. Klaus has had his minions watching your place-"

"Aw. He's had his hybrids out in this cold? What a dick."

"-and they called to inform us there wasn't much movement in here anymore. We're really worried."

"M'fine, Rebekah."

"You're not fine. You're bloody freezing!"

"Well, it is Winter, and I am only human."

Rebekah grumbles and you can only imagine the face she's making as you hear her footsteps walking around your apartment. "'Lijah said you didn't enjoy your apartment and now I see why." She sighs. "I don't see why he just doesn't make you part of the family already and move you in."

You tense and slowly pull the blankets down from covering your head. "What?"

She glances at you, feigning innocence. "What?"

"You just said-"

"No, I didn't."

"I could've sworn you said-"

"I said no such thing."

You narrow your eyes at your friend and she smiles a little too big. Then softly rolling your eyes, you cover your head once more to preserve your body heat under the blankets. "Well you've seen with your own eyes that I'm fine. I'm just preserving my body heat under the blankets."

The blankets are suddenly ripped from you and you whine. "Get up. Packs your bags. You're coming with me."

"Rebekah, no." You weakly grab for your blankets, only to be denied. "Just let me go to sleep."

She scoffs. "I'm afraid that if you go to sleep, you won't wake up again. Now go pack or I'll have the hybrids do it for you."

Your eyes sting with tears and a lump forms in your throat as you stare at your friend's no-nonsense expression, but you manage to keep your emotions in check as you pull yourself into a seated position. Then very slowly, you wrap a blanket around your shoulders and go do as you're told.

But you're so cold that Rebekah ends up doing everything for you as you sit on the edge of your bed. Your thoughts end up drifting off as Rebekah moves around you, your eyelids feeling heavier and heavier. Eventually you feel yourself slump over, but you're so tired that you can't open your eyes.

You do, however, hear your friend swear before she's talking to someone else. Most likely on the phone, your mind supplies. Then you're being lifted and moved so suddenly, only to be placed down in a seat. You're cold all over again, but then you hear a car heater get turned on full blast.

"Hold on, YN. I'll get you home and you'll feel better soon."

. . . .

When you're thrust back into consciousness, the first thing you hear is a crackling fire. Your eyelids flutter open and you find yourself in an unfamiliar room. Your confusion momentarily overrides your sheer terror at not knowing where you're at, but then the soothing baritones of a familiar voice instantly calms you.

"I thought I made it clear that you were to call should you need anything." You turn your head to find Elijah sitting by your bedside. "Rebekah doesn't think you'd have made it another night had you stayed in your apartment. She said your heart rate slowed down while she was packing your clothes and you passed out. You should have called."

You know Elijah is not scolding you, he's just stating facts, but hearing it so plainly scares you. Your bottom lip trembles as your eyes fill with tears and you quickly cover your eyes with your hands before the tears can fall. "I'm sorry." You sniffle. "I just- I didn't-" You shakily exhale and try to swallow down the lump in your throat.

A hand gently wraps around your right wrist, tugging your hand from your face. "It's fine. You're here now."

Your heart starts to pick up speed at his proximity, he having leaned forward. "I didn't think it'd be this hard," you murmur.

"Didn't think what would be so hard?"

"Being an adult." You sniffle some more. "I took a lot of stuff for granted while I was under my parent's roof and now? Struggling to make ends meet while being a college student absolutely blows."

Elijah's lips twitch at the sight of your pout. His eyes twinkle in the firelight and your breath hitches when he raises your hand to his mouth, his lips pressing a kiss to your knuckles. "Well now you're under my roof. Sleep. And when you wake up, this room has its own private bath with all the hot water you can use up and all the food you could want down in the kitchen."

"That sounds nice." Your blinks get longer and longer until you eventually can't keep your eyes open anymore. "'Lijah?" You sleepily slur.

"Yes?"

"You're my favorite Mikaelson. Don't tell the others."

Right before the void takes you, you hear muffled laughter. "I won't. You have my word."

The next time you wake up, you remember where you are and hurry to the windows to look outside. What you see is beautiful, pure white everywhere, but it's also a bit scary because the longer you look at the snow, the quicker Elijah's words come back to haunt you.

Rebekah doesn't think you'd have made it another night had you stayed in your apartment.

This is the most snow you've ever seen in your life and you're suddenly really grateful for nosy friends. As you turn around to face away from the too white picture, you see an opened door leading to a bathroom. Elijah's other words float to the forefront of your mind and you immediately look around for your bags. But finding none anywhere leads you to scope out the dresser drawers and sure enough your clothes have all been folded and put away.

Shaking your head and what was no doubt Rebekah's doing, you gather a change of clothes and head into the bathroom. It's one of the most luxurious bathrooms you've ever seen, but then again these are vampires who are over a thousand years old. Of course they'd splurge to have only the best.

Once you locate the towels and realize the shower stall has everything you'd need, you turn on the hot water and strip the second you see steam rising.

The hot shower is absolute bliss and you almost don't want to get out once you're done. But other needs must be met when your stomach starts to grumble, so you get out and dress in a set of comfortable clothes that's both warm and presentable enough to be in the company of others.

When you eventually find your way to the kitchen, all three Mikaelson siblings are hanging around. Elijah is reading the newspaper, enjoying either a cup of coffee or tea, Rebekah is staring into the refrigerator, but Klaus is smirking directly at you.

"So Sleeping Beauty finally awakens."

"Very funny, Niklaus." You wrinkle your nose as you pass him, offering a small grin as you make your way towards Rebekah. You wrap your arms around her waist from behind, leaning the side of your face against her back. "Please tell me you guys have ramen? I want all the ramen in the world right now."

"We do. Do you want me to make you some?"

"I've got it. Just point me in the direction of the pots and ramen."

As you put a small pot of water to boil, you go through the cabinets to find some spices to season the ramen better. You pull out two slices of cheese from the refrigerator and then drop the noodles into water. You wait patiently for the noodles to become tender and then drain most of the water out. You add in all the seasoning before tossing the cheese atop the noodles, mixing it until it's all melted.

"That doesn't look like the ramen on the packaging," Rebekah says as she looks over your shoulder.

"Because when you're on a budget and your daily meals consist of ramen, you find ways to spruce it up," you muse. "Wanna try?"

"No, thank you."

"Elijah? Niklaus?" You then offer them some.

Elijah politely refuses whereas Klaus' nose wrinkles. "Smells foul, love."

"Really? It smells foul to the person who prefers munching on the hearts of those who betray him?" Klaus chuckles before quickly deciding to take his leave, claiming to have people to torment. Rebekah sighs and grumbles about going with him to make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble, and Elijah just grins from his place at the table. "Would you like some company?" You sheepishly ask.

"Please, be my guest."

Putting some noodles into a bowl, you grab a fork and then a bottled water from the refrigerator before setting it all down atop the table. Then pulling out your own seat, you sit cross legged before digging in.

At the first bite, you smile with your cheeks puffed out and happily wiggle in your seat.

Elijah chuckles. "Good?"

"Mhm." You twirl some more noodles on your fork before blowing on them and then shoving them into your mouth. With another groan, you grab a napkin to dab at your mouth before sipping your water. "I'm a pasta girl, in case you haven't noticed. I will try any pasta dish at least once and then repeatedly if I like it."

"Noted." Elijah smiles at you before his eyes fall back to the paper in his hands. After a moment, he asks, "So was the bedroom to your liking?"

"Yes! Thank you." You perk up a little, grinning. "I hadn't seen that room before, so I was a little confused when I woke up."

"I know. Your heart started to beat frantically before I spoke up."

"Ahh, the perks of being a vampire," you muse. Elijah chuckles and then the two of you fall into silence as he reads and you eat.

You finish your meal without any more interruptions and then walk over to the sink to wash your dishes.

"You know we have a dishwasher, correct?"

"Yes, but I like to do things by hand. Keeps me moving since I have no idea what to do here now that I'm not secluded to the couch for warmth."

"What about your classes?"

"Canceled." Turning off the water, you grab a towel to dry your hands. "Well, at least in-person classes had been canceled. Maybe I should check my email to make sure there are no online assignments that need to be completed."

"Yes, you wouldn't want to fall behind."

You blow a raspberry in his direction before leaving the kitchen and heading for your temporary room to collect your laptop to see if there's anything that needs to be completed.

On your third day with the Mikaelsons, you've taken over their library as you attempted to complete an essay one of your professors had assigned since the campus was still closed. Elijah consistently made appearances, grabbing a book and reading quietly as you researched and typed, and Klaus showed up occasionally to paint while you worked. Rebekah was the only one to drop in for minutes at a time, just long enough to make sure you took a break and gave your brain a rest.

You're reading through one of the many journals Elijah had hoarded from centuries ago when your cell phone dings with a text message. You ignore it, but then it dings again.

And again.

And again.

"Are you going to get that?" Elijah asks.

You startle at his voice, momentarily forgetting you weren't alone. "Yeah. I guess so." The text messages just keep popping up, one right after another, and you try to read them as quickly as you can. "What the-" You frown.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm not sure. Caroline, Bonnie, and Matt.. they seem worried, I think," you tell him. "Each of them asking where I'm at and if I'm okay and-" Your cell ringing cuts you off. "My dad's calling." You quickly accept it. "Hello?"

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

You flinch at the volume of his voice and even Elijah looks up from his book. "Dad? I'm- I'm at a friend's place. The apartment got too cold. Why? What's-"

"Your apartment is on fire!" Your head turns to quickly look at Elijah and he seems just as surprised as you. "We all thought you were inside. No one knew-" His voice cuts off with a sob.

"Dad, I'm okay. I'm fine." He continues to cry, and you do your best to console him. "How did a fire even start? I unplugged everything." You try to listen to your dad, but his blubbering is making no sense. But as you're on the phone with him, Klaus saunters into the room. As he passes you, you can't help but inhale deeply and then narrow your eyes. You know that smell. "Dad, let me call you back. I'll get to the apartment as soon as I can." You hang up and set your phone aside, leaning back into your seat with a sigh. "Niklaus, what did you do?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, love."

You look at Elijah, exasperated. "I believe Miss YLN is talking about the fact that you smell like smoke after she just got a very frantic phone call from her father who didn't know if she was dead or alive because her apartment is currently up in flames."

Rebekah saunters in next, expression a little too smug.

"Rebekah, please tell me you didn't have a hand in this either?"

"Well, it's not like you'd move in here otherwise." Her smug expression falls. "We did you a favor."

"You made me homeless," you deadpan. Then glancing at Elijah, you ask, "Can you take me over there? I need to see the damage."

"Of course."

"YN, we didn't-"

"I assure you we meant no harm," Klaus says. "We just thought-"

"I know what you thought, but you could have literally talked to me about leaving my shitty apartment rather than burn it down." Rebekah looks put out that you're not thanking her, and Klaus doesn't look apologetic at all, but it still makes you assure both of them that you're not angry. "I'm not mad, I'm just-" You trail off, sighing. "Please tell me you at least took out all my valuables before you set everything ablaze?"

Rebekah scoffs. "We're not amateurs. I took anything that might have sentimental value, all your clothes and all your electronics out the first night I brought you here."

You shake your head, unable to help the twitch of your lips. "You guys have been alive way too long if you thought burning down my apartment was the best way to approach me with the idea of moving in here." The two troublesome Mikaelsons start to grin when they realize you're not truly upset with them. "Now when we get back, I want all the chicken nuggets and fries from McDonalds."

"But the closest McDonalds is about twenty minutes away," Rebekah says.

"Then drive fast." Finally standing, you look to Elijah. "Ready?"

He nods. "After you."

. . . .

The street you live on- er, used to live on- is packed with police cars, an ambulance, and two different fire trucks. The street has been taped off, but after Elijah parks and the two of you approach the officers keeping nosy individuals away, you tell them that it's your apartment up in flames and they let the two of you pass.

Across the street from your burning apartment, your dad stands there with more police officers. You make a beeline for him, accepting his hug and giving the police your statement. Elijah stands by your side as you answer everything you're asked, giving his own statement to back up your claim that you had left the apartment days earlier.

When the questions are done and over with, you're left to helplessly watch as the fire devours the place you've known as home for the last two years. When part of the roof collapses and you flinch, Elijah tucks you under an arm and turns you so your face is pressed against his chest.

"Miss?" Elijah releases his hold on you and nudges you so you turn around. There's a firefighter addressing you. "Are you the owner?"

"I rent," you tell him. "The landlord is elderly. They wouldn't be out here."

"Oh. Okay. Um, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think the house is gonna be a total loss. I'm sorry."

"Figures." You sigh and then paste on a smile. "Thank you."

Just as you turn back towards Elijah, you hear your father sigh next. "Well, I guess this means you'll be moving back in until you find another decent apartment."

"Wow, dad, don't sound too enthused now," you deadpan.

He glowers at you before looking back at the dwindling fire, shaking his head. "Your mother won't be too happy that she'll have to put all her sewing supplies into storage, but I guess we'll just have to make do."

"You know what-"

"Mr. YLN," Elijah smoothly steps in, offering your dad a hand to shake. "I'm Elijah Mikaelson. It's nice to finally meet you, sir." Your dad seems to stand a little taller, puffing out his chest as he takes Elijah in before shaking his hand. "I just want to assure you that you and your wife have nothing to worry about. My family and I will happily take in YN. My sister thinks of her fondly and we have more than enough space for her to stay with us."

"Mikaelson, huh? Your family built that fancy mansion a few years back, right?"

Your eyes roll as you groan, "Dad."

But Elijah only smirks. "Yes, sir."

"Hmm." Your dad huffs. But seeing this as the perfect outcome, he then says, "Well if there's anything my daughter needs to attribute to, I'm sure I can offer some-"

"There's no need. All expenses for your daughter will be covered by my family and I."

You can see the relief obviously wash over your dad and it pains you just a little that he so easily let someone else take care of you. You're pretty sure if one of your older siblings needed help, your parents would move Heaven and Earth for them. But for you? Apparently, your old room was just too much to ask for. "And on that note, Elijah and I will be going." You glance at your apartment, swallowing down the sadness threatening to overwhelm you. "There's nothing left for me here anyway."

Suddenly reaching for Elijah's hand, you start to tug him in the direction of his car. You wave at your dad over your shoulder, barely uttering a goodbye to him.

And then once you're in the quiet of Elijah's car, he asks, "Are you okay?"

"Not really, but what can I do?" You shrug. "Can you just drive? I don't want to be here anymore."

"Of course."

He turns the heater up in the car when he hears your teeth chatter, and you wrap your jacket around you more tightly. You let the warmth wash over you and allow your eyes to close, only opening them when he quietly tells you that you're back home.

Home.

Your eyes snap open as you stare up at the Mikaelson mansion.

Home.

You giggle in disbelief as your mind tries to comprehend how once you were enemies with the Mikaelson family, and now here you sit in the company of one as he calls his home your home as well.

Home.

"I guess this is home now, huh?"

"Yes."

Your lips twitch in amusement. "Then let's get inside. Rebekah and Niklaus better have my chicken nuggets ready for me to devour."

Elijah chuckles before using his vampire speed to exit his side of the car, only to end up on your side to open the door for you. He offers you a hand so you can easily climb on out as he grins at you. "And fries. You can't forget those."

"It'd be blasphemous to forget the salty, potato-y goodness which means I can almost guarantee Niklaus forgot them because he likes to see me suffer." You sigh sadly with a shake of your head. "Do you think the waterworks will get me dessert?"

"It's worth a shot. Shall we?"

As Elijah then offers you the crook of his arm, you hook your arm with his. "We shall."

As it turns out, Niklaus or Rebekah didn't forget the french fries. The table was laden with multiple boxes of nuggets and cartons of fries, and when Rebekah produced the small fried apple pies, you nearly cried.

Nearly.

The snow eventually tapers off as the temperatures settle back into what they usually are around this time of year, and classes resume in person. You have no issue driving yourself to and from school, but when your car starts to rattle and the vampires in your life urge you to take it into the shop, Elijah has no issue driving you to and from the college campus.

And though you were skeptical about living with the Mikaelsons in the beginning and had to deal with conversation after conversation from Bonnie and Caroline, you find yourself enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to worry about bills or what your next meal is going to be.

In fact, you get so comfortable that more often than not, Klaus or Rebekah find you cuddled up next to Elijah as you read a book or with your legs draped over his lap as he reads and you work on something on your laptop. They always shoot you knowing grins, but you wave them off and throw all your focus into your assignments.

One morning, as you're making yourself some breakfast, Rebekah saunters into the kitchen.

"Oatmeal and berries?" She asks.

"Mhm. Want some?"

"No, thanks." You take your bowl to the island bar where your laptop sits open on a document you're meant to be reading and take a seat on a stool. Before you can even get the first spoonful of warm gooeyness into your mouth, you hear Rebekah ask, "So where's my brother?"

You freeze with the spoon halfway to your mouth. "First of all, you have two brothers. And second, how should I know? I'm not either of their keepers."

"Elijah, darling. Do keep up."

"Oh." You shove the spoon of oatmeal into your mouth and shrug. "I dunno. He said something about meeting with someone and that he'd see me later."

"Mhmmm." You can feel the heat of her stare boring into the side of your head and busy yourself momentarily with your oatmeal and berries. "Can I ask you something?"

"You're gonna ask it either way, so yeah. Go ahead."

"Why Elijah and not Niklaus?" You inhale in surprise, choke on a berry, and immediately reach for your coffee. Only that seems to be a mistake as the drink is still too hot and you end up spluttering the coffee and oatmeal down the front of your shirt. Rebekah laughs.

"Goddammit, Rebekah!"

"It's a simple question."

"Yeah, I know, but-" You take the napkins she's offering you and sigh when you see your shirt is stained after dabbing away the mess.

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Why Elijah and not Niklaus?" She asks again.

When you glance up at her, you see her amused grin and know she won't let this go. You're pretty sure the crush you have on Elijah is obvious to everyone under the Mikaelson roof, but Elijah's polite enough to not bring attention to it, so you settle for telling her the truth. "Don't get me wrong, both your brothers are smoking hot."

"But…?"

"But Niklaus is too chaotic for me. It's fun to hear about the drama he stirs up, but not so much when you're dragged into it. And Elijah… Elijah has this calm aura to him and can hold a serious conversation that doesn't devolve into murderous schemes unless it's to protect someone he holds near and dear. I just- I don't know. I'm more at ease around Elijah."

"Well, that's harsh, love." You freeze, Rebekah smirks, and you slowly turn to find both brothers standing there under the archway. Klaus' expression matches Rebekah's whereas Elijah is smiling a little guiltily. Knowing you were set up to admit that aloud, you sigh and go back to your oatmeal, but not before glaring at Rebekah. "I hate you."

"Pure lies," she muses. "And you're welcome."

"That's enough, Rebekah," Elijah calls out. "Let us leave Miss YLN be while she finishes her breakfast and her work. I'm sure you have locals to terrorize."

Rebekah rolls her eyes with a sigh and your lips twitch as she reluctantly leaves you be. You glance over your shoulder at Klaus, only for him to wiggle his eyebrows at you before following Rebekah.

And then when you look at Elijah, he grins. "Shall we talk when you're ready?"

"What if I'm never ready?"

"You will be."

"No need to sound so smug."

"How can I not be when I can hear your heartbeat race?" Your face starts to flame. "Or easily detect when the blood rushes through your veins?"

"Okay, I get it." You shift nervously in your seat. "We'll talk soon, just not right now." Elijah nods. "Now get out of here before I demote you to Mikaelson #2."

"Now we all know that's a bold-faced lie." You narrow your eyes at his smirk. "But I will leave you be. Until then…"

As Elijah takes his leave, you heave a great sigh. With your heart racing and face feeling more than a little warm, you try your best to focus on finishing your food and the passage you're meant to be reading.

For a week, every time Elijah walks into a room that you're in, you can't help the way your heart speeds up. Every vampire in the house does their best to hide their amused smiles, but you see them nonetheless and stew in your embarrassment until you finally realize you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Elijah knows of your attraction towards him and wants to speak of it rather than immediately turning you down. So, in your book, that's a positive sign that he feels the same.

Hopefully.

Then by the second week, you're back to sharing the library with Elijah as you work, and he reads. And it's during this week that you end up with your head resting on his thigh as you attempt to read a non-school related book, only to end up sighing as you let the book fall closed over your chest.

"So, vampirism…" You say, waiting until you know you have his attention. When he hums, your lips twitch. "What's your take on it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've met some vampires who are all about vampirism and only have good things to say about becoming one, but I've also met vampires who completely hate what they are and the thought of creating more." You look up at him, shrugging. "I know you're completely fine with your existence and other vampires, but what's your take on me possibly becoming one?"

He tenses and immediately looks down to meet your gaze. "Is that- is that something you want?"

"What's the point in pursuing a relationship with a vampire if I'm human? I'll age, you won't."

"Would becoming a vampire solely be based on the fact whether or not we pursue a relationship?"

You snort. "No."

"No?"

"No." You sit up, but don't move too far. You turn so your body is angled towards the smartly dressed vampire you'd just been using as a pillow. "Elijah, I've been thinking about vampirism for a long time now. I've just been too chicken to ask for it."

"Why?"

"Healthcare is expensive." Elijah's expression slackens in surprise and you grin. "I'd like to live a life without worrying about throwing myself into debt just because I get an infection or need surgery."

"So, you'd want to become a vampire, not for the everlasting youth or powers or to date another vampire, but because you don't want to pay for healthcare?"

"Yep."

Elijah laughs. "Oh sweetheart, you are something else."

"Mhm. But no turning until after I've graduated. I don't want to attend classes and accidentally kill another student for annoying me."

"If that's what you wish, then we'll revisit this discussion later on down the line."

"Okay. But first I just need to see what I'm missing out on." Elijah must have been anticipating your next move because he merely smiles as you lean forward, one knee digging into the couch cushion as you then lean over him. Your hands gently grasp either side of his face so you can kiss him, and you quietly groan when he immediately grants your tongue entrance. His hands reach for your waist, guiding you towards him until you're perched on his lap. "Fuck."

You barely pull back just enough to catch your breath, your hands settling on his shoulders while his hand reaches up to trace the left side of your face. "Is your curiosity sated?"

"For now." You lean in to peck his lips once more and then pull back, reluctantly climbing off his lap. "Now I'm gonna go take a cold shower less I say something stupid and beg you to take me to bed."

He grins at you. "I see no issue with you begging."

"I'm sure you don't." You return his teasing grin. "But when our first time together happens, I want all of you. I don't want you holding back."

"Graduation is still a ways away," he muses. "Are you capable of that much restraint?"

You allow your gaze to look him up and down, and swipe your tongue across your bottom lip. Elijah smirks as you sigh wistfully and then you shake your head clear and head for the exit. "I'm gonna have to invest in a goddamn vibrator."

Elijah's laugh follows you all the way up the stairs.

As the months pass, you do your best to keep things calm between you and Elijah, but the tension between the two of you only continues to thicken. In fact, it isn't long before his siblings figure out something has happened. Klaus is the first to realize, but Elijah is a pro at redirecting the conversation and you only manage a whimper when his attention turns to you. And then when Rebekah picks up on what's going on around her, it isn't long until you cave and blurt out your entire conversation with Elijah, as well as the kiss.

Rebekah thinks it's cute that you're putting yourself through so much torture just so her brother can properly rail you into the mattress, and Klaus takes great pleasure in teasing the two of you.

But you hold strong, only slipping up here and there when Elijah looks just too good for you to resist, but never actually sleep with him. He takes what you give, chuckling when you whimper and groan when you have to walk yourself back to your room.

Graduation is then upon you and your family surprises you by showing up since you hadn't really spoken to any of them since your apartment burned to the ground. You're subjected to dinner with them, which means the Mikaelsons are subjected to dinner as well since you strongly urge them to tag along, and it's an all-around awkward night.

Your mother then manages to turn the dinner into a tense one by asking what kind of career you're going into with your chosen degree, and Elijah is quick to shut that conversation down by telling your mother you have a year to think on it since he has an all-expenses paid vacation planned for you after you've studied your ass off these last few years. That, in turn, leads to your mother scoffing and quietly berating you for riding your boyfriend's coattails, and Klaus stuns everyone by basically calling your mother a jealous cunt.

Graduation night ends with Elijah and Rebekah having to compel your family to forget the tense moments.

Days later you're surprised to learn that the vacation Elijah told your mother is actually real, and Rebekah helps you pack even though she won't be going on this trip with you- it's just you and Elijah.

Flying first class is an experience you'll never forget, nor the trip Elijah took care to plan so you could see the world and experience different cultures.

One Year Later

It's been a while since you've stepped foot in Mystic Falls and you're unsurprised that it's unchanged. Small towns are filled with people with small minds, and no one liked change when your town was as pretty as Mystic Falls.

Elijah opens your door when he parks in front of your home, and you take his hand as you climb out. Then leaning up, you press a kiss of thanks to his lips before moving past him.

"Happy to be home?" He asks.

"Yes. As much as I loved traveling the world with you, there's just something about my own bed that I was missing."

"Well, you're going to continue to miss it because you'll be moving into my room."

Your eyes roll fondly. "And you call me the impatient one."

"Yes, well…" Elijah steps right in front of you, tilting your head upward so his thumb drags your bottom lip from between your teeth. "Can you blame me?"

"Nope. I know I'm adorable."

Chuckling, he places another quick kiss to your lips. "That you are. Now let's get inside. I'll get some of Niklaus' associates to bring in our bags."

"I'm only agreeing with you right now because I want to see your siblings. Otherwise, I'd be grabbing my own bags."

"If you say so, sweetheart."

Stepping back, you practically skip to the front door and throw it open. "Honey, we're home!" You call out.

Your moment of happiness is interrupted when a hand is immediately wrapped around your throat, and you're slammed into a wall. It all happens within a split second and your eyes widen as you see Damon Salvatore hiss in your face, only to then find three very pissed off Mikaelson's at his back. "You won't heal Elena? Maybe you need a little motivation then." Damon growls, shaking you a little.

Your hands grasp at Damon's wrist, nails raking against the exposed skin there. "W-What?"

"Your new little family is refusing to help Elena," he sneers. "Maybe if their pet human is threatened, then maybe we'll get somewhere."

You make a show of being in discomfort with his hand around your neck before you cave and laugh. Klaus and Rebekah freeze, and Elijah loosens his stance as he slowly grins at you. "So, Elena decided to be a dumbass and now you want the Originals to clean up her mess? What'd she do now?"

"Got herself bitten by a little wolf," Rebekah hesitantly muses. "How are you-"

But Damon frowns as he quickly looks you up and down. "Why are you laughing?" He squeezes your throat a little tighter, but it merely causes your smile to grow.

"Because you underestimate me, Mr. Salvatore." Your smile vanishes just as quickly as you grab his wrist in your own grasp, snapping it backwards and sending the vampire to his knees. Then with a swift kick to his chest, you send him sailing across the room. "You underestimated me as a human and now you underestimate me as a vampire. Never put your hands on me again."

Damon is quick to speed to his feet, cradling his already healing limb as he stares at you in disgust. Rebekah and Klaus, however, look prouder than ever as Elijah walks up to your side, letting his fingers trace one side of your face before he kisses your forehead.

"So, you're a vampire now?" Damon huffs. "All that means is that when your guard dogs aren't around, I can torture you now without your pathetic little heart giving out."

"And that's where you're wrong." Using your newfound speed, you manage to make a dent in the wall where you shove Damon against before tossing him into the glass coffee table and shattering it. Then standing over him, you place your foot on his chest to prevent him from getting up. "You see, Elijah has always known I'd be a target for fools like you. So, when I turned, some of his friends who were looking for a favor from the noble Original made it so I also have the strength of an Original." You slowly smirk as reality sinks in for Damon. "So, you can come at me all you want, but I'll just end up putting you on your ass again and again and again."

He struggles to get out from under you, but you put more pressure on his chest to keep him in place. "Elena's your friend. You should want to help her!"

"Wrong. She stopped being my friend the moment her dumbass ended up sired to your sorry ass. Her messes are her own." You press down on his chest again until he groans and then speed back to Elijah's side where you end up tucked beneath his arm. Then glancing at Klaus, you smile sheepishly, "Sorry about the wall and table. I'll do my best to replace it."

Klaus' dimples are on full display before he lets his laugh echo around the room. Rebekah's tinkling laugh isn't too far behind. "Welcome to the family, love. And don't worry about the mess. Watching you throw around Damon was spectacular." You grin as you hear Damon huff and then Klaus turns to him. "Just this once, Salvatore. I'll help you just this once because YN has put me in a better mood. Any future bites and your doppelganger is dead."

"Fine. We'll take it."

As Klaus disappears with Damon, you turn to Rebekah who has her arms crossed over her chest and hip cocked to the side. "So how long did you last?"

"Three months."

Her eyebrow arches. "Only three?"

"I could have gone longer, but I might have goaded your brother."

"With what?"

"Rebekah, I don't think-"

You slowly smirk at her. "I told him I had this fantasy of him bending me over the railing at the top of the Eiffel Tower and he cracked. He made preparations for my turning almost as soon as we got back to our hotel."

"Okay that's enough." Elijah scoops you up just as his sister cackles and you find yourself being tossed on his bed a moment later as he crawls over you. As you grin up at him, he asks, "Did you have to share that with her?"

"Girls talk, handsome. Get used to it." You lean up, kissing him. "And besides, you're lucky Niklaus wasn't here."

"Rebekah will tell him."

"And he'll tease us until you and I decide to christen every surface in this room." You kiss again. "And the library." Another kiss. "And maybe even the kitchen."

"YOU WILL NOT BRING YOUR NAKED SELVES INTO THIS KITCHEN!" Rebekah's shout interrupts your final kiss, and you laugh as you fall back against the bed.

"Let him tease. He's the one who'll have to listen to us."

"AND ME!"

You giggle as Elijah sighs, lowering his body over you so he can rest his forehead against yours. "Maybe I should build another house for us."

"Absolutely not. I love you and I love your family. If we have to deal with them teasing us about our sex life, then so be it. It's not like they're so innocent themselves."

"You love me?"

"Always." You kiss him. "Now get up. I say the first place we christen is that fancy bathroom of yours."

Elijah is up within a split second, tugging you along.

Downstairs, Rebekah is fixing herself a mug of tea and blood when your giggles reach her ears. The giggles soon turn into a moan, and she grimaces. "Bloody hell. If I knew they were going to be this randy, I'd have invested in noise canceling headphones."

[fishbloc]

*Dr. Eggman voice* I miss you, Fishbloc, I miss you a lot. I'll be back (but seriously, I do miss you and your art!! I hope you're doing well and take care! <3)

wait this is so sweet 🥺

for my absence, i've been offline as usual (no surprise there). i tried to watch a bit of wild life but i keep forgetting oops. mcyt is a bit on the backburner lately. i have been more inclined recently to engage in the characters within my own verses and worlds, and also with friends.

but truthfully most of my time lately has been spent trying to live life in a less miserable way 👍 trying to reconnect with my old friends, trying to spend more time with current online friends. its probably not as holy as it sounds, and a lot of days are still spent quite aimlessly.

i dont draw as much as i like, but i don't hate myself for it! and the few art i do these days are just for other fandoms that doesn't fit this blog in particular haha (i have so many sideblogs...) that's why it seems like ive gone too quiet here. i've always been into various video games even before mcyt so i've just kinda revisited them.

that doesn't mean my life still doesn't have its really depressing miserable days, it still does. but im actively working towards in trying to view my life differently, even if only for a little bit.

i've talked a lot to a few people on regarding whether or not i want to let go of fishbloc, but i think ultimately that will always be an indefinite decision because im so sentimental towards this account and the people i've come to meet from here. besides! i am working on a few personal projects (sorry they have no set schedule oops) and a zine! so fishbloc as a whole can't be abandoned just yet.

for what its worth, i think mcyt will always be a core part of my life now, and it always was a subject i like drawing about due to the creative freedom it gave me unlike other fandoms and media. i just hope no one forgets me as i kinda hibernate right now, i'm still here.

and seeing this really helps me feel better for the uncertain times in my life that are coming. <3

[catboybiologist]

Oh btw, minor grumpus update if any of y'all were concerned:

Russian Tortoises have a full hibernation cycle that they do in the wild. As pets, full hibernation would have to be induced through a carefully controlled environment. I don't have the expertise to do this fully, however, they naturally go into states of pseudohibernation for about 4-7 months.

The Creature is an absolute weirdo that does this, but switches summer and winter for no discernible reason. He spent most his life in a completely temperature controlled environment, and I guess the lack of cues made his internal season clock drift. My apartment is slightly less temperature consistent, so I thought that might fix it, but nope! He was in pseudohibernation when I got him in July last year, stayed that way until November, spent the Winter and Spring stomping around, and in the past couple weeks, has been gradually slowing down. These past couple of days, he's had an activity level consistent with his past summers.

This unfortunately means that I can't get too many photogenic pictures of him, since he spends most of his days like this:

He's always been like this, during both the time I've had him and the 20+ years he spent as an educational/outreach animal for kids. I also worked with him for a couple years during that time before having him as a full time pet, so I know his habits pretty well at this point.

During my summer travels, he'll be left with trusted relatives who will take care of his day to day care, and I'll be periodically dropping in to check up on how everything is going. They've pet sit for him before, and know what to do.

This is honestly ideal for me, because it gives me time to get/build him a better enclosure. As a very temporary measure, he's been in a too-small habitat for the past few months, with as much outdoor and floor time as possible to give him time to exercise and roam. He spent most of his life in a tank that was 1.5'x5', also with plenty of outdoor and floor time. Both are too small as full time living situations, and its only because of letting him out that I felt comfortable with it even as a temporary measure. Of course I won't stop outdoor and floor time, but I don't want to rely on them. One of my summer projects is to sketch up plans for a larger enclosure (20 sq ft or more, still on the smaller side but still with the idea of giving him the soccer field to roam when necessary), and I want it ready by the time he wakes up. If anyone has suggestions for that, I'm all ears!!!

I'm mildly considering some kind of bioactive, but I'm worried that'll be more effort than its worth, and have a risk of breeding pathogens. Another idea I had was a kind of "seperated bioactive"- have a small glass tanks for isopods and plants separate from him enclosure, and use his food scraps and poop to supplement that enclosure. I could grow some dandelion and edible wildflowers for him in there, closing the "loop" but separating the potentially "dirty" part from the Grumpus himself.

But again, no idea if that'll also be more trouble than its worth. Just pontificating. I welcome any and all suggestions!

[dxmurei]

Thozsa

Overview

Name: Thozs’ahltsya (thoz-AAHL-tss-yuh)

Nickname: Thozsa

Pronouns: He/Him

Race: Yuan-Ti Pureblood

Age: approximately 26 years

Height: 5 ft 10 in

Class: Blood Domain Cleric

[Due to my own fellow party members being able to read this, I will have to limit the information I’m sharing here] Thozsa was born into and grew up in the Cult of the Blood Fang. The cult is made up entirely of Yuan-Ti and is located on an island off the coast of Faetopia. For a century the Blood Fang operated completely unknown to the inhabitants of Faetopia- until now. (thanks Thozsa) For reasons unknown to Faetopia, the Cult of the Blood Fang works to dismantle and overtake the kingdom. They hold a special hatred for the Faetopian Dragonborns particularly.

Features

Thozsa’s features are most related to the Blue Komodo Island Viper.

His skin is a vibrant teal color that lightens in tone on his chest, stomach, palms, inner thighs, neck, and under-eyes

Similarly colored scales cover most his body. The scales are thin and sparse near his joints, but large and plated on his shoulders, chest, upper-back and abdomen.

His eyes are an amber/yellow color.

Under his eyes are lines of pit organs. These pits detect thermal radiation. They are not too useful to him as a Pureblood, as he has better eyesight than other types of Yuan-Ti.

The roof of his mouth hosts an organ called the Jacobson’s Organ. Using his forked tongue, he can collect particles/chemicals from the air and then press them into said organ. This gives him a much higher sense of smell than if he were to just use his nose.

His teeth are a mix of human-like teeth and something more carnivorous. His incisors and molars are typical of human anatomy, but his bicuspids are much sharper than that of humans. In addition, his canines (cuspids) are large and long- snake fangs. He has a gland in his mouth that can supply these fangs with painful venom if he so chooses.

His jaw can unhinge and open much wider than other humanoids, so much so that even with his mouth closed, an indented line runs across his skin from the corners of his lips to the top of his ears (basically the seam of his jaw is slightly visible)

His ears are slightly pointed.

His nails are tougher than human nails and naturally grow at a pointed shape.

Temperature Guide

As a Yuan-Ti Pureblood, he is not as cold blooded as more snake-like Yuan-Tis, but that does not exclude him from the dangers of cold weather.

temperature guide for purebloods

100+ degrees is dangerous. If Purebloods cannot find shade quickly, their bodies will begin to shut down after a few hours. Their bodies react akin to getting a high fever

90 to 100 degrees can be uncomfortable for long periods of times without shade. Purebloods may become fatigued after several hours

75 to 90 degrees is ideal. Purebloods function the best at this temp range

60 to 75 degrees is uncomfortable for purebloods, but not dangerous. Their bodies might become a little sluggish, depending on how long they spend in this temp

at 60 degrees, purebloods will look for a tight and safe place to brumate. This place may accommodate many purebloods at the same time, or just one. During beumation, a pureblood’s bodily functions will slow drastically to save energy. Most won’t eat for up to a week. They will only leave their place to get water every few days. From an outside perspective, brumation seems a lot like hibernation.

50 to 60 degrees is ideal for brumation

anything below 50 is deadly after a certain amount of time. Their bodies will shut down.

Thozsa’s Past

Childhood

Thozsa was born on the Blood Fang’s island, and as a pureblood, this meant he was practically cattle for the first few years of his life. He spent the first two or three years of his life with other same-aged purebloods being looked after by higher Yuan-Tis. And by looked after, I mean being given the bare amount of food, water and other necessities. For the first years of his life, he was simply kept alive.

Near age four he was upgraded from just being kept alive to being kept alive and taught basic necessities. Necessities like the Yuan-Ti language, the Blood Fang’s functions, the greatness of their deity Sseth, and discipline.

At age six, he began his physical training, working on establishing stuff as little as needed motor skills all the way up to endurance training.

At age eight, he was introduced to Sseth’s magic for the first time. Many other purebloods from his group died at this age- their bodies not surviving the magic.

At age ten, he made it through The Selection- a process in which purebloods who show promising skills are selected for continued training. The rest are used for labor and or sacrifice.

He spent the next ten years of his life training to become a weapon, a tool for the Blood Fang to use as they please. More specifically: a spy. Purebloods who made it through their childhood were sent to the mainland to infiltrate the kingdom and gain valuable intelligence on the inner-workings of the Faetopian government.

Adulthood

At age 20, Thozsa was put through the Trials. The Trials were what decided if of-age Purebloods were ready to infiltrate. There were only two endings to the Trial: death or victory. Thozsa entered the Trials with eight other Purebloods and was the only one to make it out alive.

Nearing age 21, he was sent to the mainland of Faetopia.

For four years he traveled on the down-low from town to town, gathering information in the subtle way of simply observing. However, the longer he worked, the more familiar he became with Faetopia, and the more aggressive he became with his tactics. He soon became semi-known by some people as a bounty hunter. As he gathered information for the Blood Fang, he would earn coin by killing for others, something he was very good at.

At age 25 his name as a bounty hunter had reached the capital. Thankfully, his illegal bounties had stayed underground, but his bounty work for various organizations/guard posts/towns has caught the attention of the Faetopian Royals. He was skilled and they needed someone who’s loyalty could be bought with coin, seeing as no one else could possibly offer more coin than them. And so Thozsa was hired along with a handful of others to be present at the Queen’s baby shower (it was a very big and important event trust me) and keep an eye on the guests. And most importantly, capture/kill anyone who poses a threat. Thozsa takes the job both for the coin and for the sudden inside look he’d get of the capital. The job went successfully. Someone made an attempt on the Queen’s life and Thozsa killed them. Unfortunately though, he’d met the Prince of Faetopia (Aster) at the event, and even more unfortunately, was hired the next day to be the prince’s personal guard. Aster was annoying as fuck. (If the position wasn’t going to give him much needed inside information for the cult, he would have declined it immediately)

Present

Here is where I can give even less detail for fear my fellow party members read this. But the basics I can give are:

Aster drags Thozsa around Faetopia as he does his Princely (and not so Princely) duties.

Aster annoys the shit out of Thozsa, and if it weren’t for his circumstances, he probably would have killed the man already.

What’s weird is that Aster seems to care for Thozsa’s wellbeing even though he’s the guard, not the other way around.

Aster is also very touchy and hugs Thozsa and tries to hold his hand and gets pouty when Thozsa pulls his hand away weird huh

(everyone can guess from my art that these two do in fact grow closer over time, enemies to enemy-lovers to who the fuck knows type beat maybe, but I literally cannot explain any of it without spoilers for my party damn)

Other Info

Incase I didn’t make it clear enough above, Yuan-Ti Purebloods are the lowest of the low in the Blood Fang.

They exhibit the most human traits out of all the Yuan-Ti.

The more snake-like the Yuan-Ti, the higher up they are in authority.

The basis is, their deity, Sseth, is very snake-like. So the more snake-like you are, the closer to Sseth you are.

Some of Thozsa’s likes:

Heat/Warmth (obviously)

Humidity

Rabbit meat

The smell of frankincense

Soft textures

Some of Thozsa’s dislikes:

Cold (obviously)

Crowds

Not having control

Small talk

Cinnamon

Very open areas

By using his Jacobson’s Organ, he can quite literally smell certain emotions off people.

Some emotions present the emission of certain chemicals that he can detect with the organ.

Though this only works in very close proximity

He has gold caps over his fangs

Being a Pureblood, he cherishes the more snake-like parts of his body.

The gold on his fangs is a way of exemplifying one of his more snake-like aspects.

He cannot see yellow properly.

Something many Purebloods experience is the lack of certain eye cones responsible for detecting yellow (i know this isnt how it works irl leave me alone this is fantasy).

To him, yellow appears dull and near brown.

A yellow daisy is the same color as sand to him.

The thermal pits under his eyes can be overloaded with sensory

By pressing something warm directly onto the pits, thermal energy is being directly input.

It creates a similar effect to shining a flashlight directly into your eyes, except this isn’t painful.

It’s a sensory overload in the sense of all his brain can think is ‘warm, warm, warm, warm’.

In most situations, this is extremely unwanted and disliked, however, if he was ever in an environment he felt completely safe and relaxed in, this sensation would be rather nice.

He never knew his parents.

There is no sense of family in the Blood Fang. Especially for Purebloods

Once a Pureblood is born, they are taken and put with the rest. The parent(s) do not get to watch their child grow up, and it is very likely the child will never know who their parent(s) were in the first place.

Thozsa’s parents have lore in this world and I love them dearly. Their story is heartbreaking.

He sheds his skin

Purebloods shed once around every three years or so.

It’s a bit different to how snakes shed, it’s not a full cohesive full-body at one time thing

The parts of the body that have the most scale coverage shed pretty nicely, the parts that don’t have a lot of scale coverage shed messily.

Leading up the shed, their eyes gain a new layer and fluid becomes trapped between the old layer and the new growing one to protect it as it grows. This leads to Purebloods being almost completely blind for a day or two until the new layer is done growing and the old layer can be shed.

[frozenhi-chews]

Wait you should tell me (and everyone else reading this) all about your favourite bugs :] please :]

HIFUDHHHHHIOOOOOUGHHHH BUGS. OUGHH BUGS. INSECTS AND SPIDERS AND ROLLIE POLLIES AND SLUGS AND SNAILS!!!

They're quite possibly my favorite types of animals on this planet. I think they're only tied with marine life, cuz I love those guys as well. Seriously, my mom nicknamed me Bug because when I was a baby, i was "as cute and snug as a bug." And then I grew up to love bugs so it FIT!! Heck my dad shared some photos of a spider and I instantly went "YOOO CATS FACE SPIDER!!" They legitimately look like they have a cartoon kitty face for an abdomen. They're such a brilliant and amazing orange, and they're just cute! They're also a type of orb weaver. And orb weavers can get HUGE

Speaking of spiders, a couple that you DO actually want in your home are wolf spiders and jumping spiders. They don't make webs, they're often born outside so they're capable of just being let out, and they'll just eat the bugs and pests in your home and leave. I am not kidding, I have never seen a jumping spider stay in one person's house longer than three days.

Rollie pollies (or pill bugs, potato bugs, isopods) are actually crustaceans. Rrlated more to crabs and lobsters. Have ya ever heard of the giant isopod in the deep? Yeah! THEY'RE COOL HUH? They're also neat little scavengers and will eat almost anything, especially dead and rotting leaves and plants. Mostly those. They also live in large families and hibernate.

Dragonflies are just cool. I love calling them helicopters cuz they are just that. Being able to zip up and down and backwards and forwards and hover. They're also predators, meaning they hunt other bugs. And the bigger ones have quite a bite. Ask me, the local bug handler, how I know that bfiejdj

I don't have much info on millipedes and centipedes. They're just cool. Though you've got to be careful when handling centipedes. Those things are venomous, and some can even deliver a VERY nasty bite. I haven't been bitten by one that's dangerous to humans, but yeah. They've got a strong bite.

Speaking of strong bites, or pincers, I STILL CAN AND WILL DEFEND EARWIGS. They are COOL. They have a PINCER on their BUTT. I have seen albino ones where they're just pure white. Yeah they can get a bit stinky but thats also pretty cool imo (says the one who spent hours hunting for bugs fiejdjw). They don't crawl in your ears at all. I'm sure if they were called something different, they'd be less hated. Also cockroaches are neat, fite me.

Pelican spiders is quite possibly the most ridiculous spider I have ever seen. And I've seen ogre-faced orb weavers and those spiders with smiles on their abdomen. They're a more ancient species of spider where their long fangs are used more as an assassin thing. Pretty cool right? Man that spider can PELICAN. (Seriously look these guys up I love them SO MUCH)

Deaths head hawkmoths are probably my favorite moths. They're pretty big and can squeak (did you know that certain bugs, such as moths and beetles, can squeak? Yeah! Moths do it by pushing air out their proboscus and the beetles that squeak have large mandibles). Deaths head moths have a skull-like pattern on their thorax and they're just GORGEOUS. I love them. Also look up rosy maple moths! I love moths!

Honeybees are pretty docile and can be picked up and even pet. I've pet a few bees. Also wasps are cool. They're just gorgeous to me. A lot of the time, just leave em be. Hold still while they're around you, don't be afraid of them, and they'll buzz off. Yellow jackets do this anyway. They don't really hunt humans unless you did something to their hive

Anyways I'm. I've done a lot of bug facts. Have fun with these!!

[bluegekk0]

hello, just spent half the day scrolling through your feral pk au and i adore it to bits. now, question, since i don't exactly recall it being mentioned: between all the wear and tear from regular use + the constant washing from how much dirt and blood gets in it while hunting, how is pk's cloak even still holding up after all this time? i'd imagine holly'd repair it if asked, but that's after they get their prosthetic. in the meantime, how on earth is it still relatively intact? or does pk have to replace it every so often?

hi! really happy to hear that you enjoy it! <3

i have thought about this before, it's part of the reason why over time i added the extra lines on it whenever i draw it, to signify wear. now, i always imagined it to be made from quite strong material, it's how it was able to remain practically untouched during his hibernation, unlike his robes which degraded rather quickly in comparison

but you are correct, it's also been through a lot after he woke up from the hibernation, so it would be a bit ridiculous that it still looks so intact after all of that with no explanation. i think there's two factors that play a role in this

first, i like to think that after moving to dirtmouth, he started leaving the cloak at home while he goes hunting. since he now has a proper place to stay, he doesn't have to worry about losing it. on top of that, it not only makes running around greenpath easier, but also saves him from having to wash the blood and dirt afterwards. does that mean he's practically naked while running after tiktiks and other critters? yeah, but considering he rips them to bits and eats them raw like an animal, i think the lack of clothes is the least of his concerns here hahaha

the second part to this is hornet. i imagine she's quite skilled at repairing clothes, she did make her new outfit basically from scratch after all. and while their relationship at first was a bit rocky, i do think she would have nothing against fixing any tears in fpk's cloak. of course, he never wants to bother her and thus he wouldn't ask directly, so i can see this as something she does to show that she cares about him (instead of, you know, actually saying it lol). her learned skills and her silk powers would be the reason why you can't see any patches on the cloak, i imagine she can do a pretty good job at making it subtle but effective. it's how she was able to keep her old cloak in top shape for so many years, that is until it was so torn that she decided it would be best to just make a new one

only wearing it at home does increase its lifespan, but of course, over time, the cloak would degrade more and more, so i do think that at one point it has to be replaced. since most of my au storyline takes place over the first few years after fpk's return, i don't think it's something i have to worry about at this very moment. still, it's fun to imagine. would the new cloak be made to resemble the old one? or would he get a whole new outfit like hornet did? it could make for a fun drawing idea...

[bitchfitch]

i think it's bc Eri has been on my mind as of late but I've been thinking about what growing old for the folk in that Pirate Thing is going to mean.

Lordakai is going to have to eventually weigh the dangers of hibernation against the benefits of stopping his continued growth. Eventually he'll opt to only hibernate one to two months and diet the rest of the year to buy a little more time. The greying that has already started will progress until he's joking Eri got their white coloration from him. The green of his scales will fade out to a deep grey, almost black, too. He aches and he misses the days he didn't feel his own size, but he's so greatful to have gotten to see these years. Even if he'd long ago resolved to live a life that meant finding an early grave. He hadn't expected to find a different sort of life that made living this long worth it.

Toi'uhla is a Lot younger than him yeah, but lorinuses don't live nearly as long as the koita. Ze'll be entering zer golden years as he starts reaching the end of his. Zer feathers will get thinner and start receding from zer snout. The yellow around zer nose and mouth will spread and eventually ring zer eyes too and the fur around zer face will grey. Ze spent most of zer life launching zerself at mach fuck in the direction of the nearest perch ze could jump off of next. That behavior is going to weigh on zer a little bit more every year. Old breaks will soon become better predictors of the weather than just looking at the sky and checking if it's raining or not. Ze doesn't mellow out per say, but Toi'uhla goes from being someone visiting nobility worried about physical confrontation with to someone they worried about much longer and fiercer consequences from when they got zer cross with them. Ze does eventually need Lordakai's help to get up onto his shoulder. Even if doing so makes them both ache, there's no other way they'd rather sit together.

Laz will hit bird rabbit menopause and soon after her ovary will stop producing enough feminizing hormones, and she'll start growing in more masculine plumage. It drives her insane, having a big long tail train when she's used to the short fan. It also frustrates her to no end that she can no longer make fun of Toi'uhla for being so dam colourful. She eventually goes grey too. And she and Yandoli may be just about the same age, but skedji are only barely longer lived than lorinuses. She was already middle aged when Yandoli was just coming into womanhood. Yan outlives her a few times over, taking over the roll of Captain of the Harbor's Bane not long before her father is gone too. She jokes he was just waiting to see another Lordakai at the ships helm before he would let himself go.

Fiana watches this all. Wordless, as is her habit. After Yandoli leaves the life, Fiana is still left on the ship. Never able to leave it. Never able to crash it or destroy it. He'll watch over those unknowably ancient masts and sails. Polish the floor boards and pretend to be indifferent to the other crew and captains who come and go. Until the endless marching of the columns finally comes to a stop, and the universe is at long last allowed to end.

She'll wake up at his computer desk. Breathing hard, the computer screen in front of her displaying and unknown error message. The site will reload, and his inbox will be empty of any curse bearing replies. She isn't a sure if he wishes she'd forgotten it all when he wakes up.

[thiswasinevitableid]

Spring Awakening (OT4)

The “continuation” winner was eldritch OT4! You can read as a stand alone but the first part is very good.  Mild content warning: the prompt does mean there are references to body horror. There are also references towards breeding, but none actually occurs.

Winter has never been Indrid’s favorite season; it’s cold, the first chunk of it is spent with everyone telling him to give thanks and be cheery, and his van always malfunctions more. 

Now he has a new reason: one of his boyfriends hibernates.

It was just after Thanksgiving that Duck told him and Joseph what would happen. 

“It ain’t a full hibernation; I won’t be dead to the world.” Duck’s in his human form, which he favors for serious discussions. Indrid appreciates this, as it’s easier to read emotion on a round, friendly face than an incomprehensible mass of plant matter and ancient divinity, “but when growing things go to sleep, I go with ‘em. I’m alert enough, even in my sleep, to make sure the house keeps standing and that you two are taken care of. Not to mention this big fella will still be here.” He tips his head towards Barclay, whose resting in his bigfoot form by the fire

Joseph had a number of follow-up questions, but Indrid’s main concern was whether Duck would want them to touch him or take care of him while he slept. Phlox poked out of Duck’s shoulders as he smiled and said he’d appreciate it. 

That’s why Indrid is sitting in a nook of their cabin, stroking approximately at Duck’s shoulder; his human form is all but gone, and his eldritch one seems to be melding with the wall of the cabin. A tingle runs through his fingers, as if he was running them over the tips of fresh grass. 

Barclay is elsewhere gathering his offerings, and Joseph has been on assignment for over a month. Indrid ought to go into town and check the P.O box before it starts snowing again. But he doesn’t want to leave Duck’s side, the warmth radiating from the core of his form. 

“I’m going to run some errands, sweetheart. I won’t be long” He leans down, kissing a dark patch of corn silk. 

As he pulls on his jacket, a voice in the air drawls, faintly, “See you soon, darlin.”

He stops first at the general store, Leo waving to him as he helps himself to the small shelf of arts and crafts supplies. Neither Barclay nor Duck can quite manage to make drawing paper, so every few weeks he buys a new sketchbook for his commissions. 

The post office is full of racks of pink, white, and red, all signs of the impending holiday. Valentines’ Day fascinates Barclay, and has promised Indrid he’ll do something special for the two of them, and Indrid’s fairly certain he spotted him trying to make snowflakes take the form of hearts.

He opens the P.O box, pulling out flyers for the dehumidifier store and the strange waterpark on the edge of town; they only have the box  is because the farmhouse by the field has no known address. And a tendency to move around from side road to side road.

Under the multi-colored fliers is a single postcard. It’s a photo of Lake Mendota, with a little, serpentine monster drawn on in pen. He flips it over with a smile.

Dear Indrid, Barclay, and Duck,

Madison is about how I remember it. I can’t say much about the case, other than so far I’ve been right about everything and the other agents lost a car to the thing we’re investigating. 

Indrid, you should come here with me sometime when I’m not working. Might sister keeps demanding to know when I’m going to introduce you, and there’s a lot of excellent places to get ice cream and baked goods. We could even bring some back for Barclay and Duck if we timed it right. 

I miss you all so much. I can’t wait to come home. 

Love, 

-Joseph. 

There’s a meticulously drawn heart after the name. Indrid tucks it safely in his coat pocket and steps back into the cold. 

—------------------------------------------------------------

The frost makes it much harder to feel the decay of the stray fruits and layers of leaves blanketing the earth. So much so that Barclay spends most of his hunting for offerings in town; the high school has something called “home ec” where students' attempts at cooking sometimes end in a trash can of burnt offerings. From the taste of the cake he just finished, the baker would have produced something stunning had they watched the oven more closely. 

Where his body takes in the decay in the deeper layers of the earth, he feels familiar footfalls and Indrid’s voice on the wind. He concentrates his being on the spot, taking his more mortal form in front of the bundled-up human. 

“Hey, little moth. What do you need?”

“I…” Indrid peers hesitantly up at him, “I was hoping you had some time to spend with me today. It’s been a few since I really saw you, and with Duck asleep and Joseph away-”

“Think I get the drift.” He wraps his arms around the human, resting his chin atop his head, “time is weird for us, so thanks for telling me.”

“May I say something silly?”

“Sure thing.” 

“I miss Duck so much. Which is ridiculous, and greedy, I have you and Joseph and that should be more than enough but it isn’t.”

“If we were interchangeable, you wouldn’t want all three of us. I mean, I miss Joseph when he’s gone for, like, a day, even if I spend that whole time making a pillow burrow with you. Pillow fort?”

“Fort.” Indrid mumbles against him, “I feel so selfish, wishing spring would come just so Duck could hold me, really hold me, again.”

“You’re not selfish, little moth.” He nudges Indrid’s hood back and kisses silver hair, “but I got an idea. What are missing most right now?”

Indrid hums, “The way he sort of...envelops me sometimes. Like he did the night we first met; heavy and comforting on top of me, touching me everywhere, like I, I’m something worth treasuring.”

“He and I sure as fuck agree on that part. And I think I have something that might tide you over until spring. Close your eyes for me.”

The human obeys and Barclay unfurls himself, his fur peeling out and away, his body spinning into its true form, mouths tasting the air, the earth, the leaves on the trees and the mushrooms sleeping beneath them. 

He wraps himself tenderly around Indrid, taking care to keep his head and neck free; according to Duck, humans tend to panic if you confine their heads. Indrid sighs as he registers the pressure of Barclay around him. Of his human lovers, Indrid is the one who enjoys being bound and trapped this much; Joseph adores when Barclay holds him down or cuffs him to a headboard or branch, but anything more than that turns the excitement in those blue eyes to fear. 

His hands find Indrid’s zippers and buttons as his pelt slides beneath his feet, insulating him from the snowy ground. 

“Ohhhhh it’s so warm like this.” Indrid’s muscles relax and Barclay clings tighter to be sure he stays upright. Peeling Indrid’s clothes off layer by layer, more and more of Barclay’s hands emerge, eager to join the fun. Before Indrid, he never gave much thought to the texture of his fur. Now his human presses and twists his body against it, biting his lip as his cock rubs along a patch of it. Barclay smiles and his mouths multiply, kissing up long legs as his hands grope his ass, caress his face, tease his chest in hopes of showing him how much he deserves. 

“That’s, that’s so lovely, I-OH” Indrid laughs, “what was that hand made of? It tickled.”

“Uh, like, mossy reeds? You mean this one right?” He rubs Indrid’s stomach and the human laughs again, much louder this time.

“Indeed.” He squirms as several hands find his cock, one thumbing the tip while another strokes the shaft and a third teases his balls, “I, Barclay please I want, I want…”

“Want what?” He rumbles.

“Cover me up all the way, please. I know why you’re, you’re being cautious but I’m not afraid. I know you’ll let me go if I ask.”

Barclay pushes his form up, cocooning Indrid and discovering instantly that this means he can now kiss his lips and cheeks, run his hands through his hair the way people do in the movies Indrid watches curled up on the couch some nights. 

Pleasure is an odd thing when his body is once formless and concrete, not nearly as straightforward as when Barclay is in his mortal disguise. The most sensitive part of him when he’s like this are his mouths, and so he devours Indrid with kisses, savoring each little memory and feeling they bring to his tongues. 

Indrid’s cries turn wordless when a soft, fork-tongued moth finds his cock and sucks hungrily. Human fingers cling to his fur and Barclay revels in the touch, in the pleasure of bringing Indrid this close, of being able to keep him safe, warm, and happy, all while he writhes in delight and cums with an adorable squeak. 

Barclay twists and turns his body through space, bringing them back to the cabin and depositing Indrid into bed. 

“I love you” Indrid purrs, eyes bleary with joy when Barclay removes the red glasses and sets them on the little stand Duck made for them so they wouldn’t keep getting lost. 

“Love you too, little moth.” As he brings his mortal disguise back, a single, green vine snakes up the bed and slowly tugs a thick, mothman patterned blanket over Indrid’s body. Then it picks up the mothman plush from the corner and tucks it into Indrid’s arms.

“Thank you, my sweet.” Indrid gazes towards Duck. 

The vine caresses his cheek as it retreats and the floor creaks, “rest up, darlin.” 

Barclay plants a final kiss on Indrid’s forehead, then goes to see if he can recreate the home ec cake without the char. 

—----------------------------------------------------------

First, the case took twice as long as anticipated. Then there was the deposition in a Michigan case from last year that finally went to trial. Finally, to top it all off, his flight was delayed for two days. 

All this is to say, the most pressing thought on Joseph’s mind is how fast he can drive without putting the car in a snowbank. 

When the “Welcome to Kepler” sign finally comes into view, he relaxes his grip on the wheel and carefully navigates into the library parking lot. It’s a half hour to closing, and the snow is a half-foot high on the book drop. He knocks his boots against the mat and crosses the pine-tree green carpet to return the stack of books he took on his trip. Since he has a few minutes to spare, he scans the new books shelf and the rows of romance for titles for himself or Indrid. 

As he stacks a copy of Red Hot Ranch on paperback of A History of Mysteries, he spots the new sheriff and gives him a friendly nod. The man gives him a tight smile in return and ducks behind a shelf. 

His initial return to Kepler after being tossed into the field as a sacrifice had been so shocking that the previous sheriff fainted when Joseph stepped into the room to explain why he, and the mayor, were being arrested for kidnapping and wrongful imprisonment. Joseph knows Duck needed the energy from the sacrifices, and that he let all but a few go, but that’s no excuse for non-consensually offering people up to him. 

After the arrests, he mentioned to the interim mayor that he’d be setting up a satellite office in Kepler, since there was a lot of paranormal activity in the area. Then he made damn sure that the tail they put on him followed him all the way back to the abandoned farmhouse and watched as he stepped out of the car and into the cornfield, the stalks parting to show him the way back to the cabin. 

In a way, the people in town are more afraid of him than of Indrid, in spite of them both surviving stints in the cornfield with their memories intact and then taking up residence there. He suspects they think Indrid–with his otherworldly face and aloof demeanor–is a god himself. It’s a fair conclusion, given that every tomato plant, pumpkin vine, and apple tree in town got an unexpected, final wave of fruit when he arrived. Which means they think Joseph is the only human in town able to walk with gods without fear. 

He sets his books in the passenger seat and makes his final stop; Indrid asked him to pick up a few groceries on his way home. He tucks a bottle of hard cider next to the toothpaste, hoping he and Indrid can split it tomorrow while watching horror movies on the bed (he bought them some solar cell packs, as neither Duck nor Barclay have much sway over electricity).

Before the field, his last time having sex while tipsy was back in college and not particularly memorable. The more drinking became a social necessity for his work, where he was already seen as unusual and too buttoned-up, the more he was careful to never let his guard down and enjoy himself, unwilling to give his co-workers fodder to further discredit him. 

The past October, he and Indrid had decided to take a picnic into the field and watch Orionid Meteor Shower, the evening still carrying traces of summer. Duck made them a dome of corn husks and sunflower stalks to eat under, the dirt turning to a carpet of impossibly soft clover as they sat down. They’d drunk something honeyed and definitely alcoholic that Duck made them and traded bites of pear cake Barclay prepared as the sliver of a moon rose. 

Dinner was barely done before they were tangled together on the ground, making out with all the excitement and carelessness of far younger men. Then Indrid was on his back, humming as Joseph sat on his face, laughing because it felt nice and because he could. By the end of it there was slick on Indrid’s chin and cum on Joseph’s thigh, neither of them particularly interested in fucking full-on when there was so much of each other to enjoy. 

Then they’d lain on their backs and the dome opened, revealing an infinity of stars as tendrils of grass stroked their hair and the clover turned to thick, soft fur. 

God help him, if the farmhouse isn’t around this next corner he’s going to offroad to cut his time getting there. Snow be damned. 

He’s saved from this poor decision by the familiar silhouette, and turns towards home. Once parked, he retrieves his bags and steps towards the field. The withered stalks try to bend, but can’t get far. Watching them, he understands the worry in Indrid’s voice the last time they spoke on the phone; knowing Duck is at a low power is one thing, seeing the signs of him weakened is another. 

As he’s wondering if he can get to the cabin from memory, a form materializes from the snow. 

“Hey, blue eyes.” 

“Hi, big guy.” Joseph tips his face up so Barclay can kiss him, a hint of winter bonfire and cardamom on his tongue. 

“Lemme get those.” Several more arms appear on his bigfoot form, taking Joseph’s things with ease. Walking close to him seems to stave off the cold, and furry, warm arm rests on his shoulders as Barclay asks about the trip. 

When they reach the cabin, the god sets the bags on the table and the suitcase on the bed. Joseph kneels down to the mass of glowing fungus and twisted plant life and takes the nearest vine in his hands, bringing it to his lips for a kiss. 

“Just letting you know I’m home.”

“Missed you, sugar.” The reply seems to come from the stalks rattling outside the windows. 

The back door creaks and Indrid steps into the main cabin; Duck built him a little art studio–complete with pencils and paints conjured from plants– so he didn’t have to always go into the one he teaches at in town. 

“Welcome home, pet.” Indrid drapes his arms over Joseph’s shoulders. There’s charcoal on his cheek, and Joseph wipes it away before kissing him. Indrid grins when they part, “I have some business with you, agent.”

“I hoped as much.”

“Barclay, will you be joining us?”

“Not as much as I want to.” The god sighs, “The freeze is deep this year, and on top of that, humans seem to burn themselves out on cooking and canning after the new year. So I need to forage a bit more tonight.” He kisses them both goodbye and then he’s gone.

Joseph unpacks his things in a hurry, knowing he won’t be able to enjoy himself with Indrid if the laundry isn’t in the hamper and the groceries aren’t put away. Indrid makes no comment other than asking what on earth can rip the tire off an SUV. As they talk, the domesticity of it all overwhelms him; a home like this with someone used to be no less out of reach than living in a cabin in a cornfield with two eldritch beings. 

“You know, when I was zig-zagging about the states I–oh” Indrid smiles as Joseph gently backs him against the counter for a kiss, “shall I leave the last bag for later?”

“Please.”

Indrid laughs, allowing Joseph to pull him to the bed. Then his grin turns wicked and Joseph is trapped on his back, his boyfriend calling, “Barclay? A moment of assistance?”

Black, fur-lined cuffs appear on his wrist, leather cord leading from each to the headboard. As Indrid fetches a matching collar from a peg on the wall, Joseph groans, “I haven’t gotten to touch you in weeks and this is what you do to me?”

“As much as I love your attentive touches” Indrid closes the collar around Joseph’s throat, “we both know that when you’ve been overwhelmed with work, what you truly need is to be taken.”

“Yes” He closes his eyes, lifts his hips and shifts his legs to help Indrid undress him. He’s still in a dress shirt, but rather than uncuffing him a moment Indrid opts to leave it unbuttoned and shove the undershirt up to kiss his stomach before retreating to remove his pajamas. 

When his boyfriend finally pushes his cock into him they groan in comic unison. Indrid rests their foreheads together and murmurs, “I missed you so much, pet. So much.”

Hands unable to comfort him, Joseph kisses his chin and jaw, “I’m here now.”

Indrid licks his lips, “So you are.”

His boyfriend takes his time, thrusts slow and steady while languidly kissing Joseph to capture his moans. Eventually his hand slips between them, rubbing Joseph’s dick. The collar no longer feels inanimate; now it’s Barclay’s hand, reaching across acres to close around his throat and remind him to be a good boy. 

When he cums it’s with a pent up moan from over a month without the attention he ached for. Indrid switches to quick thrusts, joining him with a little gasp. Once he pulls out, Indrid rolls over, only managing to wiggle his pajama pants back on before cuddling into Joseph’s arms. He pets his boyfriend’s back, tracing his fingers over his tattoos, and spots a single, glowing eye watching them from Duck’s spot. 

He hopes he enjoyed the show. 

Joseph blows a kiss. The eye winks, playful, and then it’s gone. 

—---------------------------------------------------------

On March 7th, Joseph and Indrid wake up to snowdrops peeking through the floor. Joseph says “that’s a good sign” as Indrid sprints across the cabin to where Duck’s form is looking more human by the moment. 

“Hey, darlin. Hey, city boy.” Duck shifts positions, sitting up for the first time in two months. Skin is always the last thing to form on him, so Joseph feels as if he’s looking at an anatomical drawing where the sinews are swapped for roots and stems. 

“Do you need anything?” Indrid’s hands are flapping as Duck yawns and stretches. 

“Nah, I’m okay for now, sugar. It’ll take me a few days, maybe even a few weeks, to be able to do much more’n sit here and talk. By the by, that tree in the orchard that the storm took out is gonna make for some real nice soil. Good job on the decay, big fella.”

“Thanks, man.” The rug by the fire yawns, pushing up onto many hands as Barclay’s bigfoot form takes shape, “feels like there might be more mushroom this year, I kept running into their mycelium.”

“That’ll be nice, gets folks out and foraging, which I like to see. Uh” his posture turns sheepish, “sorry, shouldn’t talk shop when y’all been missin’ me, but I always wake up with all this info about how spring is gonna go.”

“I do not care what you talk about” Indrid takes an earthy hand, “I’ve missed hearing your full voice too much.”

“And I, sadly, have to be at work in forty-five minutes. Catch me up at dinner?”

“Yes” the three respond as one. 

The stalks still struggle to form a path as he walks out. But when he gets to his car, crocuses bloom in the shape of a heart by the driver-side door. 

When he arrives home that night, Duck has hair and a thin layer of skin and as wrapped in a robe of new leaves, Indrid perched in his lap. Joseph takes up a similar position in Barclay’s lap, breathing in crisp air as his boyfriend nuzzles his throat. They stay up well past midnight, just talking, and Joseph is glad tomorrow is Saturday. 

He’s even more grateful for this when he’s awoken in the early morning by a yelp. Indrid, who was a moment ago on his side, asleep, is now being dragged across the floor to where the swirling mass of Duck’s true form is gathering in the center of the room. Even seeing it dozens of times, Joseph’s brain rebels at defining the shape as anything more general than “big” and “covered in bioluminescent patches to act as eyes.” At least he can tell that Indrid isn’t being dragged as he first thought; a tendril of green has his ankle, but he’s being spirited towards Duck by a carpet of small, purple flowers. 

“I, I thought you said you wouldn’t need this kind of, of intensitEEP” Indrid squirms as his clothes are thrown to the other side of the room, “for a few weeks, when, when spring started in earnest and brought your energy with it.”

“That’s how it’s happened every year for longer than anyone can remember. But this year, you’re here, sugar. You put more energy into me just from cuddlin’ yesterday than I’d normally gather in a month. Which means I’m fuckin’ ravenous and it’s time for my little offering to do his job.”

Indrid moans, body fully off the ground in the vines sprouting from the floor and ceiling. Reality bends and cracks so abruptly that Joseph gets a headache. Then Duck’s human form is standing their, studying Indrid. 

“You ready for this?”

“Yes, yesyes, Duck please”

The god takes Indrid’s face in his hands, and for a moment everything, even the air, is still. Joseph wonders what Duck is looking for, if he sees things in Indrid Joseph’s human eyes will never perceive. 

Even tied up, Indrid manages to lean forward and kiss Duck. When he pulls back, the god’s smile is achingly human in its affection. 

Then Indrid cries out as a tendril pushing into his ass, the noise muffled as another finds his mouth. Some of the plant matter pulls him to his knees, bright red flowers spreading out around him as another vine circles his dick and a fourth begins twining up his body.

To Joseph’s surprise, Duck’s attention shifts to him.

“Now, if I recall correctly, city boy, I ain’t shown you all my dicks just yet.”

“I, I cataloged five so far” His tongue is sticking in his mouth and his sleep pants are already a mess. As Duck prowls towards him, he seems to become more solid, more real, with every step.

“Clothes off. Now.”

Joseph obeys as thin, flexible tree branches extend from the wall to fasten his collar in place. Duck manhandles him into his lap, facing Joseph away from him, vines spinning Indrid to face them at the same time. 

The scene across from makes any porn he’s seen look tamer than a Disney kiss. It’s as if all the plant life emerging from Duck’s renewed energy is reaching for Indrid, leaves forming into hands to pull his head back, vines working his cock, binding his thighs to the ground, and tugging at his nipple piercings, while the main two fuck him so deeply it’s as if they’re trying to touch inside him. Tears are coming down Indrid’s cheeks and he’s thrashing with every thrust. 

“Duck? Is, can you tell if he’s alright?”

Hands the temperature of sun-warmed dirt slip around his waist to caress his chest and stomach, “Yeah, darlin, I can. I’ll feel if he needs to stop before he even has a chance to say it.” A kiss on his cheek, gardenia tickling his nose, “thanks for lookin out for him. You want me to show you somethin’ new?”

“Yes, please.”

The head of the cock slides in so suddenly he doesn’t get a chance to look at it. Staring down, he can only see the base, which resembles a hibiscus flower in shape and color. Rather than pushing into him, the base cups his body, and the “petals” begin undulating, stroking his cock and folds deliciously. The cock inside him feels pretty plain, though now and then it seems to ripple.

“I gonna get to get in on the action?”

Joseph’s head snaps up to find Barclay idly stroking his cock as he watches Indrid. 

The vines holding Indrid shove him forward, offering Barclay a much better view of his ass as Duck says, “you can have as much of Joe as you want. But just for today, ‘Drid is all mine.”

“Got it.” Barclay stands, “not like it’s a bummer to just fuck you, blue eyes.” A short, thick, rounded cock bumps his mouth, “open up baby.”

Joseph takes the cock into his mouth, the tightly packed bumps on it already each moving on their own. It’s a wonderful, novel feeling on his tongue and he sucks happily as little growls come from above him. The pressure on his own dick changes, speeding up and pushing him towards his orgasm. He tries to pull off and say this, but Duck holds his head in place, forcing him to keep the cock in his mouth.

“I know city boy, I can tell you’re close. I’m glad you’re havin’ fun, but you cummin’ ain’t what stops this.”

He whimpers happily and surrenders to his orgasm. He can’t see Indrid anymore, but Duck seems to have stopped fucking this throat, and desperate, ecstatic moans are coming from just out of sight. 

“Mmmm, forgot how good you feel, city boy.”

He finds Duck’s hands and squeezes them, snickering when flowers follow the path of his thumbs. 

“That’s it, fuck, you both feel so fuckin good, I’m, I’m gonna-” There’s a grunt like a tree groaning in the wind and then something bursts from the cock inside him, hundreds of disctint sensations, all buzzing. The portion on the outside of his body doesn’t let up in the slightest, and the shaft inside begins not only expanding but pulsing.

“Feel that?” Duck growls in his ear, “told you I had one that had seeds that’d fill you up and get you off at the same time. But that ain’t all” another pulse and Duck purrs, “y’know what it’s doin?”

Joseph manages to shake his head.

“It’s trying to keep ‘em all in and push ‘em as deep as they can go.” A hand slides to Joseph’s stomach, “heard all kinds of stories about humans gettin’ bred by gods like us.”

Words like that would bother him with anyone else, but Duck’s grasp of human genders is shaky at best, and he knows this doesn’t change how his boyfriend sees him. Also that Duck, would never actually do something like that without seriously checking with him first.

So he surrenders to the fantasy, spreading his legs wider to feel the base of the cock widen to keep everything in. 

 “Fuck, you like that blue eyes?” Barclay groans, “then once Duck is done I oughta have a turn. See if I can make it so all you can do is burrow up with me and let me take care of you.”

“Good thinking. We’ll both try today. Whoever’s takes, the other guy will get to put the next one in him. Not, not like I can’t make this cabin big as we need it to be.”

Barclay cums down Joseph’s throat, and the sensation is so overwhelming combined with the way Duck is fucking him that Joseph cums again, certain he’s squirted as well.

“Fuck yeah” Duck holds him down as the cock pushes deeper, “see, your body wants us to know just how bad you want this.”

“Yes” he gasps, Barclay holding his face up so he can watch him come apart, “yes, god please”

“Your wish is my command, darlin.” Duck moans and another wave of cum pulses into him, then another, and another, the vibrations finding all the right spots inside him and he cums a third time, helplessly crying out as Barclay tells him he was made for this. 

Then Duck pulls out and waves of something faintly blue drip down Joseph’s legs as Barclay cleans him and bundles him up into the bed. Indrid is limp in the vines, cum noticeable on the floor, and Duck scoops him up to carry him over, whispering all the while about how much he loves him, how amazing he is, how he’ll always take care of him. 

As Indrid curls against him, Joseph murmurs, “Was that okay? They didn’t ignore you for my sake?”

His boyfriend smiles weakly, “First, pet, do not underestimate how much I enjoy seeing you ruined. But more importantly, Duck was with me, too. A benefit of his nature, I would say.”

“No kidding.” Joseph kisses him softly as Duck and Barclay cuddle up with them, the whole house moving to prepare them breakfast and clean the floor. And when Joseph steps outside after a long nap, he finds the entire structure covered in spring blooms. 

[anxiouspregnantlady]

36+5

Hi there. We set up the crib yesterday and I just got a diaper pail for $5. I am spending a lot of time in the kitchen these days, craving fresh/homemade food, also getting the hang of sourdough. Knitting a hat for mei mei. Physically, I'm struggling a little. Achey belly, cervix pain, nausea, pain under my ribs. Not able to carry p for very long, not able to bend over or even wash dishes very comfortably.

I am SO happy to not be working anymore.

Quite stormy/rage-y and hormonally emotionally all over the place. Driving is hard. Really hoping I give birth just a little early, but I know that in the end everything will be just as it should be. I think I spent the last few weeks getting a second wind of energy (transitioning from total hibernation/exhaustion at around 32w), executing & planning etc. And once I've done most of my tasks I will probably transition into a sort of surrender state of waiting and being present. Sometime in the next few weeks.

Not much remains to be done. I mean, there's a lot I COULD do (reorganize the whole pantry & kitchen, for example). But strictly speaking, I only really need to pack my bag for the birth center, and even that I probably will only do partially, because most of the items I'm bringing are clothes, and I still need to wear them these next few weeks, BECAUSE SO FEW CLOTHES FEEL OK ANYMORE. I have some nice-to-dos, like give myself a haircut, or make granola bars and bone broth, but oddly I am not feeling too motivated to prep food in advance. Mostly because my parents will be here cooking/cleaning for a month and after that I feel fairly confident that I'll be able to cook and will have a better idea of what I want to eat. I probably will mostly prep bone broth & baked goods instead of proper meals, stuff I don't expect my mom to make. Essentially, I'm giving myself permission to do/not do a whole bunch of stuff depending on my motivation level.

Some things I *am* trying to prioritize are remaining fairly social / having people over quite regularly, walking my 5k steps at minimum every day, just taking this season of life in. Enjoying my firstborn. I am weirdly not worried at all about labor or birth, maybe slightly freaking out about postpartum life and how karl and I will do relationship-wise.

Feelings/thoughts about meimei....I am trusting that my relationship will develop and become its own thing in its own time. It's so hard to have many coherent thoughts about someone you've never "met". I have not very much information about her. I can think about what she represents...Phillipa becoming a big sister, a season of joy and life following a season of death and grief, the end of our very long ttc journey. Another car seat, another addition to our insurance policy, another childcare cost, the user of all the stuff we have sitting around the house. We're really happy with her English name and sort of giving up on her Chinese name.

In any case, I feel that she will come before the end of the month. The countdown is on. I don't feel like I look 9 months pregnant, same thing kinda happened with Phillipa. But my fundal height is tracking beautifully, so I am not concerned. Also, something totally unanticipated happened and I am NEGATIVE for group b strep! So no saline lock or antibiotics for me during labor, and I can go home as early as 6hours after birth! And it's just one less risk to worry about.

[immigrant-rob]

Long time no see

Spring has finally arrived, after last weeks dump of snow temperatures are rising and I can see grass again. This must have motivated me to update my blog again after 3 months of hibernation... Though lots of updates!

Where do I start... Well, of course with the most important of all. I passed my exam! 6 months of studying lead up to me taking the written exam to jump the first hurdle in becoming a physiotherapist in Canada on March 9th. I knew ethics was a major component, but the exam still was surprisingly ''ethical''. Anyway, can't say more than that or I might go to jail (not allowed to share exam details), however, the exam has prepared me to provide physio in prison in case of such an event. I did not leave the exam with a great feeling, and it left me hanging for 2 weeks before the results came back. This was an opportunity for me to teach Naomi 2 new Dutch phrases; ''Heels over the pond'' and ''On the edge of the board''.

Passing the exam was not only a relief professionally, but also personally as we were going on holiday 4 days later. We spent 6 days in Hong Kong, visiting some of Naomi's relatives and being shown around by her parents as our local guides. For a guy coming from a town with just over 100.000 inhabitants, and the tallest building being a church reaching 109 meters, being amazing by HK architecture is an understatement. Never had I see neighborhoods consisting out of just skyscrapers. Or restaurant flats where the first 10 floors of a skyscraper are all restaurants. There is no meaning to the phrase; ''Even een terrasje pakken'' in this country. But maybe even more impressive was how clean it was. How can one of the worlds most densely populated places on earth be so clean, versus most other places I have been or lived?

But my report on this part of the trip would not be complete if I did not mention the food we ate. HK is known for its incredible gastronomy, and for the foreigners probably an interesting one as well. I tried many new flavors and dishes, and at one dinner had to particularly live up to my name as an adventurous eater. Maybe it was also because this was the first time I met some of Naomi's relatives and I knew I was being judged on what I would eat. To start off was shark fin soup, not too ''scary'' right? Then we had a roast piglet, presented as if it had been squished. Now we get to the exciting part, goose feet. And for dessert, pigeon spit pudding (edible birds nest). When you hear such ingredients you may be shocked, but in all honestly it tastes good, and I can often link such dishes to western dishes that I've had in the past. If you are interested in more details on our food from our trip (or the whole trip in general), check out Naomi's blog. As usual, she has done a way better job than me of blogging.

Other highlights of our trip in HK were a nice outdoor stair master with the cousin Isaiah, who spoke fluent Dutch self taught online; ''Faka met jouw G'' and who smoked us on this hike. The only other time I've seen Naomi that tired was during the last 10k of our Elfstedentocht. He was also so kind to let me try out the new Apple Vision Pro, currently only available in the US and wow... it blew my mind. I am fairly of of date on what tech can do these days, so such an experience was totally unexpected. We also visited 3 different graveyards and seeing the differences between Buddhis and Christian graveyards was interesting. And our trip to the gambling capital of the world, Macau. Where I visited Paris, London and Venice from the hotels in 1 day.

Next destination was 9 days of travelling around Japan, the country where you can be served by robots, but train schedules need to be manually searched in books by the desk clerks. A country that is proud of it's traditions and ways, for a foreigner sometimes confusing but beautiful. First we did 1 day in Osaka. Our hotel was right outside Osaka castle, and much to our surprise it was peak cherry blossom season! Usually it would've been earlier and we had already anticipated that we had missed it. Dinner that day was my first encounter with Wagyu, yummy!

The next day we spent travelling to Onomichi, stopping at Himeji castle which is considered to be Japans most beautiful castle. And beautiful it was indeed, but with beauty comes tourism, and with tourism comes crowdedness (pesky tourists). We were glad to have seen it, but the 1 hours line up and cattle like herding system to see inside were not worth it in my opinion.

Now comes my highlight of the trip! A 75k bike ride over 6 islands connected by massive bridges called Shimanami Kaido. Despite the small drizzle the scenery was stunning and it was a welcome change to the busy cities previously. It was enjoyable to explore the Japanese countryside and fishing villages while getting in some exercise. Naomi's managed to wobble off her bike 5,5k into the ride, which gives her a 100% succes rate of falling off bikes on excursion rides at an average distance of about 8% of the total distance.

Next up was Kyoto, a large but quieter city than what we were used to with many temples to see. We did a stepping stone river crossing which both gave us wet socks (and a good laugh), spent some time on the bank drying our socks and as always while we wait, played a game of Wingspan.

And lastly, 3 days Tokyo! After visiting the most densely populated city in the world, now it was time to visit worlds biggest city with 37 million inhabitants, including the metropolitan area. A cool variety between big modern architecture and narrow old streets filled with food joints, allowing only for seating at the bar due to how narrow they are. We were exposed to a whole new level of arcade gaming, and it reminded me of a popular saying; ''No matter how good you are, there is always an Asian better than you at it''. I've seen some impressive guitar Hero shenanigans during my high school days, but I've never seen a man in suit and tie octo-combo a Japanese KPOP song for 10 minutes straight. I used to think AFL was the peak standard of athleticism, but have my doubts now...

As an experienced Mario Carts driver I was sad to miss out on the Mario Carts driving experience through Tokyo streets due to not having an international drivers license. Unfortunately, they did not accept 7+ years of Wii MC driving experience with some top ranks in the world (but never first, remember, and Asian always beats you). I got to watch professional sumo wrestlers practice at their ''stable''. They even came out after training for some pictures which was really cool. And last but not least, what am I missing in my recap from Tokyo? Exactly, food. I had what was probably my best meal in my entire life! An amazing 13 course dinner with lots of different cuts of meat including wagyu. Who knew tongue could be so tender by the way?!

I have cut myself in the fingers by taking so long to blog. My recap of our holiday was not nearly as complete or detailed as Naomi's. If you are planning a trip to any of these places take a look at hers. She also has all the names.

That's all for now, hopefully I will have some exciting news in the next blog regarding work!

[bishiglomper]

I didn't do anything yesterday and I still spent all day in bed.

In high school I'd come home Friday after school and immediately crash for a minimum of 4 hours. Like my body was like ''finally, the week is OVER''

I mean I crash the next day if I do anything that requires effort. Be that going out all day or just forcing myself to do a chore or two. That makes sense to me. To crash the next day. Replenish them spoons

But I think my body is bitching that it exists during the week. Like ''why the fuck aren't we hibernating'' and then it tries to compensate with its own block of rest. On Saturday.

What it's compensating for though, I have no idea. Maybe I'm just used to dying on saturday?

It's frustrating

I know most of it is physical but I can't swear there's not mental fuckery there too. Sometimes it like ''no one else is up. Why should I get up. Guess it's back to sleep'' 👀

I did try today. The kids were up. We all wanted food. We ate. I sat in my chair to read

The nephew was upside down in the chaise. Which put his head too close to mine in my chair

His laughter hurt my ears. They were real sensitive after that first assault. I asked him to move. Like, just turn his body so his head was not so close to mine. No amount of pleading or explaining helped and I didn't want to argue. The sensory overload was already about to make me cry. So I removed myself. Just went back to bed...

Don't know why I was sensitive. Wondering if it has to do with the extra fatigue or if shit just happens.

I just wanna know wtf my body is doing and why

[zootplayz]

Purrs and Tots

So, I loaded the game and...

Melisa died. The horrible thing isn't so much that she died but what she died in. I mean why must the game do horrible things to Sims clothes when another household is out on the town?! Now if she ever pops out of her urn those horrible glasses will burn into your soul!!! Speaking of terrible outfit choices, what the hell did the game do to Caleb while I was gone?!

Although I wasn't too upset she died. (I need the room in the house) Her family was overcome with grief.

Graham took things especially hard. He chose to hibernate in his coffin until he could once again face the day. When he did emerge he had a whole new mission in life!

He's going to use his immortality to dedicate himself to taking care of his family and animals.

With a new focus for Graham, we better get the Foxes some pets.

Introducing Monty and Merlin Bet you thought I'd give them pet foxes. But that would be far too predictable and they just scream cat people to me. Ok, let me introduce you to these two lovelies because they are close to my heart. These adorable guys are brothers and are modeled after some of my own cats who are sadly no longer with us. First up is Monty

Sims Monty is very much like the real Monty. I could have spent more time on his stripes but I was so excited to get him back that I didn't bother all I was interested in was that face. Which I nailed! He's affectionate, this cat was always with me and spent many an hour sleeping on me while I played Sims, friendly, he would go up to anyone, even dogs, and a glutton, Monty'd eat anything! He once stole asparagus off my dinner plate! Now let's meet Merlin.

Again Merlin here is almost identical to my Merlin. He's curious, once he got stuck underneath the floorboards as a kitten and I had to pry the floor up, a free spirit, although they were indoor cats Merlin found ways to escape, and frisky, this cat would go from 0-60 like that and could play fetch with the best of them. These two not only look like the real thing they act like it!

They are very close despite their opposing personalities. And frankly, they are just too darn cute!

Yeah I'm a crazy cat lady. And proud!

These are probably going to be the only pets the Foxes ever get. Think I'm going to have Graham keep them around as long as he's around, and he's a vampire so, yeah. Oh, I have more kitty pics but they are for the next update and you get to see just how much they remind me of the real thing. For now, we have some tots to manage.

Seriously, cutest glitch eva! Neither one of the twins has the wild trait but they have to be the most troublesome toddlers I've encountered yet.

I know I only got pictures of Mike but trust me they both do it, all the time! Joel is the clingy one so you think he'd be the one to run out to see Dad when he gets home but nope.

It's the inquisitive Mike. They both love playtime with Dad though.

For now, that is...

Now you may be wondering what happened to Neil and Harry but they had to go. Fear not though, they started their own legacy and will be back. Part 02 Part 04 Read the full article

[sierrabinondo]

2023

jesus christ. lmao

well.

real quick- i'm basically never posting the link to these again. either people know where to find them or they don't. i think it's better that way.

for the first week of this year i had only one eye. i had poked my eyeball with my wire brush and couldn't open it without experiencing excruciating pain for days. i think that dumb little injury- unfortunate, yet kinda funny- really set the tone for 2023.

the first few months i was essentially in hibernation. we were hard at work tracking vocals on the with sails ahead record well into april, technically may too. we ran into so many setbacks- joe got sick, then i got sick (or vice versa???), one night i had a really bad crying spell and stayed home, sometimes shit just came up- it was incredibly difficult. and we were losing our minds feeling like this record was taking forever to get done. five nights a week spent tracking vocals, sometimes doing upwards of 60 takes (sry joe) to get my takes as perfect as possible. it was fucking. tough. and there's still things i wish i could have done differently, but we got it done.

it's kind of angering to think about how i've gotten better as a vocalist even in the time since, and i wish i could apply what i've learned to the record. but that just means that the songs will sound even better live, which will be awesome. i'm still proud of a lot of the work i did on the record.

at the end of the day, spending all that time making an album was the best possible use of my time. i don't regret it at all. i wish i could have streamed, but it's okay.

that truly was my life from january to april. i did dry january and it went well so i'm doing it again in 2024. i think i managed to extend it into most of February. the goal is to also continue it for as long as possible or generally abstain from alcohol more since WSA will be so busy. we went to shows here and there, and when we did hang out we got together at joe's since we had already been working. but that was really it. i finally got a new tattoo, which was the digimon sword piece i had been dying to get forever. i got to go to the new kura location in edison, too.

april happened. and then may was also a month.

june was an exceptionally busy month, and in that time we went on tour for WC3. three weeks prior, ryan had to bow out of the run due to an injury and we were SO fucking lucky that cha could step in last-minute. with all things considered, we played well on tour. as weepy and fucked up in the head as i was, that was one of my favorite weeks of this year, and one of my favorite memories. there's a longer, more detailed recap below so i won't go into exacts. but being around my friends all week was bliss.

in june, i also started taking muay thai classes. i had always wanted to go back to taking martial arts classes in some way, shape or form but i didn't think it would happen this soon. i thought maybe in my mid-30's i'd start, but it just worked out that i could start going now. i didn't start prior due to budget and time restraints but, i moved closer to my friends' gym, so i could finally go train. i knew it was going to be way different from cardio kickboxing, but understanding *some* of those fundamentals helped me at least have half a foot forward when i began training. it's taking me so long to absorb everything since i can only go once a week, but it has been fucking awesome. there was one class where emily and i were just throwing each other around on the mat, and it was a blast. not only has it been really fun and incredible to learn, but i have become closer with my friends sean and emily, and made a new friend in our classmate kim. they've all been a tremendous help in getting me through this year; probably more than they'll ever know.

god every month this year was so busy. early july, we finally filmed our music videos for the record and played a couple gigs. the month absolutely flew by. shooting the videos was a blast, and the two fests we played were very fun. sadly, in the midst of those two gigs, i was living a fucking nightmare. any sane person would cancel the shows and all of their obligations but i decided not to. i probably would have been better off for it, but i felt like playing the shows and being around my friends was better than being at home and mourning never seeing my dog again. but in july, i also returned to streaming, and it was so bittersweet going live again. since then, it's been difficult to maintain the schedule i once had, but i'm just so fucking grateful and glad that my community is still here. they didn't go anywhere. and i really don't care if i grow at the moment, because if they keep coming back that's all that matters. they are what makes continuing to stream worth it or even enjoyable at all. it's so much fun.

in august, WSA decided to start giving a shit about tiktok and meeting at joe's to do bits. we had the WC3R weekender, so we figured it was a good time to start getting into the swing of posting. if we want to grow at all, we have to. it really helped with promoting our shows. when we went on the weekender later that month, we got to see detroit and chicago for the first time. i am so blessed to be able to travel with my best friends and see cool shit. we also meet the most wonderful people and get to see longtime friends on the road, many of which we maintained contact with online only. i never hesitate to reassure people that tour is grueling, but it is so fucking rewarding.

the summer overall was awesome. spent a lot of time with friends new and old, longboarded, went to a food festival, spent a lot of time in brooklyn and philly. I SAW TWICE LIVE, FINALLY. top 3 best concerts of all time, it might rival the on letting go 10 year for #1. saw my childhood best friend get married and enjoyed a trip with my family to north carolina. SHOUTOUT ABARI VIDEO GAME BAR IN CHARLOTTE. because of emily, i also got to go to the beach so much!!! girl hooked it up with free badges!! and that was something i really wanted to make sure i didn't miss out on this year. i was sad the summer ended so early, but it was a good one.

when september came, it was like a break before the final arc of the year began. i still had to haul ass and get band stuff done, otherwise i took it a little easier. my month kicked off with a trip to the DMV, which was incredible. the barbeque at adam's was awesome, and i had a blast living with kevin and caleb for a week. it felt wrong to leave to be honest LMAOOOO. i am so grateful to them for their hospitality. basically when i crash there i live in their basement lmao and i work remotely!! and it totally all works out! then we hang really hard at night. karaoke at queen's gambit was. god. just one of the most perfect nights out i have ever had. and even the nights where we didn't do much, it was wonderful. later that month was my birthday, for which my plans got hella derailed due to the storm, but my friends who are local still came which i'm so grateful for. we partied hard and sang karaoke for hours. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

being single is fucking weird, but i'm mostly used to it now. it's nice to get attention but i rarely feel like actually into anyone. and when i do, it's not reciprocated. also! being on dating apps is fucking weird! i got on them because i was craving physical intimacy but since then i've only gone on one date. that was just two days ago. people are just so weird. i really tried to connect with both men and women- i don't even want anything serious- but people just stop answering. thankfully, i really didn't get discouraged over it at all. i'm not gonna lie, i also just would stop answering people i was initially interested in. it just sucks so much. it's hard to feel anything, even excitement. but i guess i also don't really take it seriously. hence my insane prompt answers lmao

october through december was basically 9 seconds. mostly because of us dropping new music. i spent october scrambling to get everything ready, november was all about darting, then prepping for the rest of the album shit we need and filming content in december. i finally got to see ciara again since we met in LA!! we showed her around philly and jersey. i finally got to see steph and her family, regretfully for the first time in a long time. i'm pretty sure i was there the month prior then went back for brian's birthday. it's been harder for us to get time in together, but hanging out with steph is always just like picking up where we left off, no matter how long it's been. i went to a really fun wedding halloween weekend, and got to cosplay ann tamaki for halloween this year, which is like the 2nd faithful cosplay i've done since going blonde haha. bea kind of counts but not really? i didn't wanna chop my hair or wear a wig so. oops.

november flew. all i had on my mind was darting eyes. we wished there was a more explosive response, but we're still insanely proud of what we achieved. it was cool to see everyone's reactions and have people be really hype about it. i felt proud to see people say it's our best song yet. i think it's up there with some of the sickest shit we've written. i also went back to kevin and caleb's to chill with them for their birthdays and to go see daoboys in baltimore. i would love to make that a yearly trip provided that we're both free that week of november. also i cringe when i think about how i fucked up when i mic grabbed for daoboys BUT it was still an awesome experience and i'm so lucky i can say that i got invited to do that at all.

when december came, i was not feeling festive at all. even on christmas eve, i woke up feeling more normal about it than ever. i've never listened to so little christmas music in my life. it was a really tough month. i missed brawly so badly. but my friends were glad to hang out and do festive shit with me, which helped so much. on christmas, it was just me and my family, no one else, and it was really lovely. it's become one of my top favorite christmases ever.

this year was tough for many reasons most likely obvious, but for a long time i resented being alone with myself. i ran from it as a kid. if i was left out of plans with friends, i would feel sorry for myself instead of dusting my shoulders off and practicing my instruments. and i definitely still did that - but i could have done more, and channeled less negative energy from it. but i ended up doing so much, spontaneously, on my own. and i'm so proud of myself for it. it took time, but i accept what has happened to me and i feel myself ready for a clean slate. i'm definitely just not ready for a relationship yet. i realized yesterday that i'm emotionally unavailable, still. i need more time. getting older sucks but, i'm not too worried about being alone for a little longer at all.

and doing those things alone is totally self care too. speaking of which. I TOOK SO MANY BATHS THIS YEAR. shoutout to my parents' jacuzzi tub. that mf is fam forreal,,,,,, i have a whole set up lmao i throw in a bath bomb, some bubbles, sometimes i grab a mask or some wine, and i throw on anime. it's so therapeutic but one time i got lightheaded from being in there too long so i have to be careful hahaha. i'm grateful to my parents for allowing me to use it so much.

i spent...... so much time with my family and friends this year. i don't remember the last time i have hung this hard with them. our family's bond has taken a completely different shape now that we're all adults, and it's become so much deeper. not only did we go through the breakup together, but losing our cats. i can be a pain in the ass for them all still, which i need to work on, but things are much better now than they have been in the past.

i got so much closer with my bandmates. we hung out way more as best friends, not just to write music and film bits. my lifelong best friends immediately took me under their wing when shit initially hit the fan in april and they haven't let go since. what i went through made me develop an even deeper connection to friends i wished i got to spend more time with. and i just. i had been conditioned to believe for so long that i didn't truly deserve many things, but i no longer have any reason to believe that because of the people who choose to be in my life. i really have such incredible family and friends. i always joke that i didn't ask to be born and shit, but i got the luckiest draw when it comes to the company i have. not that i don't give myself credit for enduring what i had to go through, but i would have been fucked without the support system i have. i am truly so thankful every day.

god i can barely get through finishing this post without crying!!!!

when we went out to dinner recently, my friend asked us what we learned this year. i couldn’t answer because i didn’t even know where to start. i took some time to think about it, and it’s unfortunately a lot. but, here is what i learned in 2023: 

what i thought was love was really attraction, and even comfort. those things are still important in a healthy context, but real love is respect- respecting your partner enough to recognize when you’re hurting them and crossing boundaries repeatedly. and a real apology is not repeating that hurtful behavior. it’s not just words, and it’s not blaming others for your mistakes. it’s action. this goes for friendships, too.

believe the things someone says when they’re livid at you. it’s not that those awful things are true, but they are an accurate reflection of how they feel about you. i am so mad at myself for not seeing this glaring red flag probably upwards of a couple dozen times. I challenged these words and i was still reassured those angry sentiments were meaningless. it all adds up now.

take people at face value. don’t try to prove them wrong about themselves. act as if who they are right now is the way they’ll be forever. that was so fucking hard for me as someone who has always largely believed in people’s propensity to change. my therapist really really tried to drill this into my head when i started seeing her in may. it was tough to follow the first time and it didn’t finally stick until the second time i made the mistake of not listening in september. i had to abandon being a fixer. the second time i was challenged in this way this year, i didn’t so much as try to fix them, but i was praying they weren’t right about the terrible things they were telling me about themselves. i wanted them to prove me wrong. i had to come to terms with the fact that because of their commitment to believing they were no good, and not respecting boundaries, we were not going to work out. i truly believed i could love people into being better. i thought giving grace would inspire them to want more for themselves. it is physically impossible. 

it is so much better to keep your mouth shut about your personal life. as someone who has always been an open book and worn her heart on her sleeve, this has been extremely difficult for me (lmao). firstly, there’s no need to prove yourself to people who are committed to not empathizing with you. not even reacting or telling the objective truth will help, because they will be dead set on denial. it fuels their disdain. second, the reality is, even some (maybe most!) people who care about you will not understand exactly what you’re going through, and how all-encompassing it feels. and it’s not ok to word vomit about your trauma all the time. unless the offer is extended, it’s best to journal everything and use tools like therapy. i am so glad i have songwriting for this. i just had such great cognitive dissonance that i couldn’t even trust myself, and that's why i couldn't shut the fuck up in/on private lmao. i constantly found myself questioning reality and seeking validation. i couldn’t conceive what the fuck was happening to me nor place how i was supposed to feel. i felt tremendous, overwhelming guilt and grief. a part of me died. we all make jokes about gaslighting, but the psychological torment is no joke.

i made a little change where i stopped calling myself stupid and i legitimately felt a small improvement in my mental health. i highly recommend actually speaking kinder to yourself. there are other insults i should stop using towards myself but that alone felt like a positive step in the right direction.

i believed i wasn’t being held back and that it was all in my head, but staying in a place where i was being emotionally and verbally abused was not only worsening my anxiety but my physical health. i went no contact, and i could even breathe better. sleep better. i used to experience acid reflux daily and now it’s on an occasional basis. I am lonely sometimes, and i am still grieving somewhat, but i feel so much better. it’s incredible.

and now i’m so fucking mad that i accepted less than i deserved for so, so long. i am so mad that i held myself back from being truly happy. even being in a better situation mentally for the last decade might have meant i would have been farther along in my goals. now that i understand how fucked my mental health was that entire time, and how it ruined my self-perception, i feel such a well of emotions when staring ahead at the rest of my life. i have no fucking idea what it looks like. in april there was a dark, deep precipice. now, it’s a little less steep, but it’s there. sometimes it’s not. i am fucking terrified of what comes next, but at the same time i wonder how much i can affect by legitimately believing in myself and having zero mental hindrances. what if i can actually will all of my dreams into reality. after what i experienced this year, i feel like i have nothing to lose, now. so if i'm a little delusional in 2024 i'm sorry lmao. i am only this young for so long!!! and i am hellbent on trying to have as incredible of a year as i can. but if it's anything like 2023, without all of the bad, it certainly will be.

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 12: Crossing Stuff Off the List

I was going to write something more interesting but...nope because I'm really tired. I've been tired through a lot of today. Yet again, I think it is hibernation mode kicking in. It was gray all day, it was already decidedly twilight when I left work, and also it's now officially what I would call cold. This is time to sleep and be warm under blankets and sleep some more!

Anyway, I did go to work. I feel like I did not accomplish much? I was distracted by a long conversation in the middle of the day, and much of the morning was taken up with breakfast, and then I spent the last hour plus doing busy work because that was all I felt myself capable of.

After work, I neither slept nor did productive things nor did fun things so pretty much a bad time. Did not come to much. My co-worker did give me some bread for my birthday, which is on Wednesday, and I had some as a snack and it was fantastic, so at least my day had that.

And also... at this point I have basically accomplished most of what I had to do this holiday season. I still have a couple of events to attend but I don't have to do anything for them other than show up. I have my birthday, which is more of an emotional thing because every year I'm like 'it'll be nbd just don't worry about it' and then I do worry about it and then it's a whole Thing in my brain. But that's not a task. And on Saturday I need to clean and pack. That won't literally take the whole day but I'm more worried about the energy required than the hours. And on Sunday I have to travel, which I'm really not looking forward to at all.

But I mean when I look at the total list, a lot of stuff is crossed off and a lot of the stuff that ISN'T crossed off isn't really required, it's more like.... goals.

[formationlapsz]

Happy Monday December 12th, we’re halfway to Christmas Eve!! 🎄❤️

People say “Life is what happens when you least expect it.” And I always brushed that off, because while there may be moments of unexpected happenings, life goes on right? Well last week I was proven differently, as I unexpectedly got a call if I wanted to go and temporarily work at the publishing house. That wasn’t on my bingo card and it drained me. Not the work, but the fact that I had to shift my entire clock to getting up earlier and not having the amount of free time I had. I know ‘boo-hoo’ hahaha. But there is a point to this…

I’ve been filling my calendar with a bunch of social activities for the past few months. A shit ton a concerts (2023 literally almost has at least one every month), seeing movies with friends, having dinners, not sitting still. And I’ve been doing that to combat my seasonal depression. The ending of winter and winter itself are far too cold to go and be outside all the time, which means I’m prone to locking myself away and coming out of social hibernation once the sun starts shining (and funny enough the F1 season begins). And now with the disappearance of some of my free time, that prevention of seasonal depression felt under pressure.

There was a point.. and I haven’t made it yet. Gosh, don’t you ever get tired from my motivational Mondays? I mean I would get it! RIGHT THE POINT! The point I wanted to make was that I highly recommend for you to try and do social things as these days grow darker and colder. Go see a movie, go take a walk, go have dinner, do something to combat the cold feeling creeping into your soul. And most importantly do it with someone you love and want to keep in your life. Someone who warms your heart, because I promise it will make the end of the year just a tad bit more manageable.

HELLO BABETTE 💛 I hope you had a great weekend and spent it with your loved ones!!

ISNT IT GREAT THOUGH? the chance that you were given to work at a publishing house!! I fine it so amazing and fancy and such a grown up job I love it!! I'm so proud of you for that!! <3

And funnily enough, I do try and start getting over my social anxiety, trying to get over everything that keeps me home and locked away from the real world. It may be hard, you know, getting out of your comfort zone or a "world" that you have created that you feel comfortable in but no one ever achieved anything whilst in their comfort zone, right?

I hope these last two weeks of 2023 (wow its just two weeks left until the last day of year!!) are AWESOME and I wish you a great week angel may it be filled with love and laugher xx