#I just finished a reread of the book proper and I have More Thoughts | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

butterflydm · 2 years ago

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origins of the wheel of time

I was originally planning on reading Origins of The Wheel of Time after my reread of the last three books, but it has arrived and also is so much shorter, so I’m going to read it first instead, lol. It’s not a narrative, but I’m intrigued to find out what it has to say about the series. I’m not entirely sure if it’s written more like a sourcebook or whatnot.

My thoughts contain spoilers through a memory of light

1. Okay, looks like it’s broken into four sections -- first will be a bit of a biography of Jordan, then there’s specifically a whole section about how Tolkien inspired him, then his writing process perhaps (the summary on the inside of the book cover notes that there’s a previously unseen early draft of a cut scene from Eye of the World, so maybe that’s there; and then one about “the real world” comparisons (mythology-related maybe; I know that there’s a lot of mythological connections tied into the imagery, especially with Rand, Mat, & Perrin).

2. The full world map that we get (it says it was adjusted based on things that Jordan had said about the maps that had previously been made) shows how the Westlands/Randland is actually the smallest section of the map -- Shara is bigger, the Mad Lands are bigger, and Seanchan is enormous. lol, yeah, Tuon ain’t gonna be ruling all of that. I don’t care how great a general Mat is. Both of them are gonna die long before that area gets back under her iron grip (especially if she really does manage to keep herself from channeling - man, it would be so funny if she actually does get around to channeling one day but is only as strong as Morgase, literally the weakest channeler possible. I feel like Jordan wouldn’t have been able to resist making her Nynaeve-level strong, because of how much he was contorting and manipulating the story to appease her in the narrative, but her being super-weak would be so much funnier). Nation building is not easy and it’s gonna take time for her to even get over there since she will need to finish ‘settling’ the Seanchan-ruled Westlands first (and she’ll have to worry about Westlands-based rebellions as soon as she leaves for Seanchan proper too - the original plan that the Empress had seemed to be that her daughter would rule over the ~new land~ in her name while she kept a tight grip on the homeland, but now the rest of Tuon’s family is dead, so it’s more likely that she’s gonna have to pick if she wants the Westlands or if she wants Seanchan, because she has no one she can trust to rule either of them in her absence). I wonder if Jordan was planning to handwave her to be the ruler of the disputed lands quickly so that he could tell another story about... Mat being miserable and Perrin needing to kill someone? Or if he was going to take into account how likely it would be that Tuon would NOT be able to actually regain control of the majority of the continent. I mean, since he only left two sentences behind about the outriggers, he probably hadn’t even decided yet.

3. Oh, gosh, the author of this book teaches at The Citadel, where Jordan went to school after he left the military. The Citadel had a pretty heavy hazing/bullying culture, at least back when Jordan attended (from what I’ve read) and some Weird Ideas about men and women, and definitely some “beating students is good for the learning process” vibes. A lot of the odd quirks in Jordan’s worldbuilding seemed to be based in him assuming that his culture’s particular practices and his own personal kinks were just ~human nature~, including some of the stuff that seemed to be essentially ‘taught’ behind-the-scenes at the Citadel. Oh, and this author (who teaches Military History specifically, it sounds like?) was consulted about the writing of The Last Battle in the final book. This book was also written at the same desk where Jordan wrote Wheel of Time. That’s actually quite interesting to me, and I wonder if that contributes to... when Jordan wrote about war, it was very personal, because he’d been in war. But if your main consultant is someone approaching it from an academic PoV rather than a ‘in the trenches’ PoV, that definitely lends a different angle onto the way the battles are written about.

4. Ah, WoT was a formative book series for the author -- he read EotW when he was fifteen. So he is quite a bit younger than Jordan. He even interviewed at the Citadel for his teaching job knowing that it was where Jordan had gone to school. He did know Jordan personally as well (I’m going to be using his pen name for WoT as opposed to his personal name because, well, I never knew him. Though I did meet him at a book signing once.) - it looks like they met when Jordan was already quite ill. And that’s the Foreword.

5. Every time it’s noted that Harriet (Jordan’s widow) was his editor, I feel the urge to wonder why on earth she was asleep at the wheel for Crossroads of Twilight and Knife of Dreams (though, honestly, the books started to lose focus and needed much tighter editing starting in Lord of Chaos). I mean, it’s common in a LOT of series, once they become popular. But wow there’s a lot of needless fluff in the later WoT books.

6. Okay, the biographical section of the book. First thing relevant to the books is that even as a kid, Jordan was exposed to war-related PTSD - his father was in the Pacific during WWII and “For years afterward he would sometimes wake up in the night, sweating, afraid that in his sleep, in his remembered dreams, he might have hurt the wife he loved.” I’m seeing a lot of Rand in what’s written here about Jordan’s father. A gentle man who did his best to be honest and good but was terrified that he might hurt the people he loves.

7. Ah, Jordan ran into a very common trouble of gifted kids once they get into college -- he had always been smart enough to glide through classes, so he had no clue how to study, and floundered once the classes were hard enough to require it. I mean, mood. Been there.

8. That’s when he enlisted, and he spent two tours in Vietnam. Even before I actually read the section on it, I can say that (much like Jordan was second-hand aware of how rough WWII was on his father), I have seen the effects that going to Vietnam had on my own uncle. Incredibly traumatizing experience for him that he still has after-effects about, even today. It’s affected him his whole life.

9. Jordan was aware that his own personal experiences had an impact on his writing -- he even pointed out himself that his own personal trauma from instinctively shooting a woman who aimed a gun at him during his Vietnam tour was basically why Rand (& Mat) have issues killing women. So, he was dealing with his own trauma while writing. I think it’s possible, as a reader, to be aware of that personal history but also go “but Rand’s attitude really doesn’t fully make sense with the worldbuilding and can get pretty frustrating, especially to female readers”. Both of those things can exist at the same time, I think. Bringing personal experience to the writing process is a double-edged sword that way.

To go back to that worldbuilding thought, there are definitely times where it feels like Jordan failed to fully do the mental math on what a world that has the backstory that he has given WoT would look like (and the show actually reflects the book’s reality more in what Liandrin says about how despite the power of the Aes Sedai, there are still many places where powerful men are in a position to hurt little girls). A non-Jordan example of this sort of thing would be Dragon Age: Origins. In the character creation screen, the player is straight-up told that women and men are treated equally in the world setting they’re about to play. In some of the character origin choices, this is disproven within minutes of actual gameplay, with oversexualized female characters and sexual assault threats that are pretty much only directed at women. Because that stuff is subconsciously lurking in the background of the writer’s mind and it just seeps out. While Rand’s sexism is more ‘benign’ in that it stems from him holding women above himself as a category, this still harms the women around him (and harms himself). I do think Jordan was aware of that, because we do see negative results from Rand’s No Woman Must Be Killed stance, but, again... given Rand’s cultural background, him having this stance at all makes very little sense, because he didn’t grow up in a culture where women were treated as fragile flowers that must be sheltered and kept from the dangers of the world (and it makes no sense for that to be LTT’s background either).

10. We also get the note in the middle of all this that Jordan’s mom was “a housewife”... but she worked “in defense” during the war “when everyone worked” and then later in her life, after she had kids, she suffered frequent nervous breakdowns. Which sounds like a very familiar story in terms of some of the history I’ve read on women during/after WWII, where they got a taste of freedom and independence during the war and then were expected to completely give up that part of themselves when the men came back to reclaim their jobs. Just stuff all their feelings inside to be the ~perfect housewives~. And this also makes me think of how Jordan always has a “but you gotta quit your job if you decide to have a husband/family” clause for the ‘working’ women in the series who aren’t nobility/elites (Aiel Maidens & Seanchan to’raken riders).

11. His experience in Vietnam sounds like it definitely also contributed a lot to Mat’s characterization in TSR/TFoH. This whole entire section here on page 14 vibes very Mat (before he got sucked into the Seanchan ‘storyline’, such as it was). “In the end, for most of us, the medals boiled down to managing not to die.” ... “That is why I am not I repeat, not! a hero. I just managed to stay alive.” From reading this, it sounds like Rand was based more on his father’s experiences/PTSD from WWII, and Mat was based more on his own experiences/feelings in Vietnam (or, to put it another way, Rand was based more on an outside view of how PTSD affected someone that he loved, while Mat was based more on his own internal experience of war). Though his descriptions of being ‘in the zone’ (which I’ve definitely heard other people talk about too but have never experienced myself) sound similar to how being a channeler affects people, in terms of time slowing, your senses feeling sharper, etc.

12. Okay, skipping past his early writing career (he first met his future wife Harriet while he was out shopping his first book, in her capacity as an editor), the first books he wrote under the “Robert Jordan” pen-name were some novels in the Conan universe (I’ve never read them; I saw the movie(s)? but never read any of the books) and I am reminded that the first plan for the WoT books was a six-book series. So that was after Eye of the World had already been completed and he was almost finished with The Great Hunt. Plan at the time was six books total but morphed as the books progressed.

13. His illness really was the kind that progressed very rapidly. I never read about all the details back when it happened, but it all happened over the course of about a year and a half before he died, it sounds like here. Maybe two?

14. Harriet, as both his widow and editor, was entrusted with the task of finding someone to complete the books. She first found out about Sanderson based on reading the eulogy written by him on his personal blog post when Jordan died (that a friend had sent to her), and decided on him as the one after reading Mistborn. He was the only name on her list of potential authors who she thought could finish the series, though it sounds like it didn’t hurt that he was already under the Tor umbrella.

15. So, the epilogue that we have in the current series is, basically, the one that was dictated by Jordan once he’d realized that he was most likely not going to recover in order to finish writing the series himself (and recorded by Team Jordan).

16. “All told, there were roughly two hundred manuscript pages of book-specific notes left behind. Some of the pages were outlines for complete scenes - bit and pieces of what became the published prologues for the final three books, for instance, as well as the all-important epilogue of A Memory of Light - but others were only hints of plots and solutions. And then there were the thousands upon thousands of pages of series-related notes, glossaries, lists, and other working materials Jordan had left behind in his personal files. It was all they had, and it left so very much undone. There wasn’t a full outline. There wasn’t a sequenced plot. Most of the puzzles only had pieces of the solution. One of the questions that Maria never got to ask Jordan - the next one on her list that Friday before he passed - was about the final moment in the series: “How did Rand light his pipe?” The answer to this, and everything else, now fell to Brandon and Team Jordan.”

17. What a massive, unbelievably massive undertaking. “Along the way, there was also a keen awareness that Jordan had made and then cast aside many plans throughout the writing of the series. Did they need to use all the hints in the years and years of notes? Surely not, since at times the notes didn’t even agree with each other. Jordan had a habit of stockpiling old files, after all: a boon for the later researcher, but a nightmare for the present writer.” And, for me, whatever you might say about Sanderson as a writer himself, whether you like his writing style or not, or like him as a person or not, you can’t say that he wasn’t sincerely doing his best to live up to the legacy that Harriet handed to him, or that he’s not a genuine fan of the series. Same thing with Rafe Judkins now -- agree or disagree with the changes that have been made, but Rafe is a very sincere fan of the series and is adapting the books with a sincere heart.

18. “Had Jordan lived to complete the work himself, it’s unlikely he would’ve managed to fit all that needed to be done within the single book he’d promised. Light knows, it might well have grown even beyond the fourteen volumes that Brandon and Team Jordan ultimately delivered.” I’ve literally said exactly this same thing, lol. And, with that, we are done with that section of the book.

19. The next section is about Tolkien’s inspiration on Jordan and the series. On why Jordan wanted to write his own fantasy series: “One of my themes is (and it’s one reason I wrote the books as fantasies) there is good, there is evil, there is right, there is wrong - it does exist. If you do that in a mainstream novel you are accused of being judgmental unless you’ve chosen the right political viewpoint.”

20. This section talks about fantasy in general as a genre before noting the specific elements (especially in EotW) that are inspired by Tolkien - the Shire/the Two Rivers; the Fades/the Black Riders -- and all this was very deliberate on Jordan’s part, to evoke a sense of nostalgia before he went beyond those general outlines of what had been inspired by Tolkien. And he also took inspiration from the same places that Tolkien took inspiration -- the myths and legends of our own world.

21. Then he goes on for... a while about language evolution through time, but I’ve read about that before, so I’m kinda skimming this part, ngl. But essentially, he kinda links what Tolkien was doing with language in LotR with what Jordan does with the concept of the Wheel of Time itself.

22. But then he does also go on to point out that having been in the military and going through war is another thing that Tolkien and Jordan had in common, and something that can be seen in their protagonists, that Frodo at the end of LotR also appears to be suffering PTSD/‘shell-shock' and is never the same again.

23. Okay, now in the next section, we dive into the actual creation of the series itself, starting with the first idea of it in the mid-70s, which was the basic notion of ‘what is it REALLY like to be the savior of mankind and what kind of toll might that have on someone’ with the addition of ‘and you’ll go mad and die to save everyone’. So that’s the core of the narrative that Rand believes he’s walking for the majority of the series. But he didn’t actually write anything on the idea until 1983 when the success of his Conan tie-books led them to asking him if he could write a fantasy book or series of his own.

24. lol, first it was gonna be a single book. Then maybe a trilogy. The publisher though “knew how Jim liked to tell a story” so offered him a six-book deal.

25. Yeah. I knew that “Tam” essentially (whatever his original name was) was the original character idea, before Tam became the foster father and Rand became the main character and that makes so much sense after seeing how much Jordan based Rand’s fears and personality on his own father. Of course he thought of the character as an older man, who’d lived a life. That was who he was basing it on.

26. So some parts of Jordan’s collection are staying sealed until 2037. It doesn’t really say why most of it is already opened to the public but some of it is being unsealed in the future. I wonder if some of his notes have maybe some more personal comparisons not comfortable being made public at the time? But in his earliest notes, three books “dominated his early decisions regarding the scope and course of The Wheel of Time”. Lord of the Rings, Le Morte d’Arthur, and The White Goddess: A Historical Grammar of Poetic Myth. I have not read the last two, so I’ve gotta trust what the author tells me about them, lol. I do roughly know that Le Morte d’Arthur formed the basis for a lot of the current stories about King Arthur, but I’ve never heard of The White Goddess before.

27. Apparently, The White Goddess is not considered... um, particularly accurate as far as the connections that it makes between various myths and legends of different cultures. “It was, at its core, a kind of conspiracy theory. Those sell.” Ah, it’s about the idea that there was an overarching goddess that cultures all worshipped before the current forms of religion existed. Okay, yeah, I’m definitely seeing how this would inform some of his writing ideas as he was pulling the story together.

28. I do like that the author here -- Michael Livingston -- sets out what he believes are Jordan’s INTENTIONS in the text (based on what his various notes said about the story) but says that it’s up to the reader as to whether or not Jordan was successful in translating that to the narrative. Example: he points out that while Jordan’s intention in creating the saidin/saidar binary was to point out the damage that one side unchecked can do and to show a need for balance rather than one half overpowering the other half, this is something that can certainly feel exclusionary to people who don’t fit into that binary. I do appreciate that acknowledgement; that Jordan’s intent in the story isn’t the only thing that matters.

29. But that does get me to thinking about... benefit of the doubt and what we extend to authors. For me personally, CoT/KoD were an overall bad experience and wore away so much of my own pool of belief and so I don’t extend the same benefit of the doubt to Jordan’s writing and intentions that I might have in earlier books. I look at the current ending (confirmed in this book to be dictated by Jordan, with only “a couple” of scenes by Sanderson) and I look at where we left off in KoD and I go, “yeah, I kinda think Jordan would have screwed up in a lot of similar ways to what people who dislike the Sanderson books are unhappy about, because the vast majority of the ‘harvest’ in the Sanderson books comes from narrative seeds that Jordan sowed, and there’s no way to know if he would have solved the narrative problems better than Sanderson did”.

Non-Seanchan example: Jordan clearly didn’t know how he was going to get Rand from “deeply traumatized” to “ready to wander the world carefree” or he would have left notes about it. And it’s easy to say that he would have figured it out as he went along, but there’s absolutely no guarantee that he would have done it in a way any better than what Sanderson ended up doing. There are some specific things that I’m sure that I’ll probably point to and say “eh, I feel like Jordan might have stuck the landing better on that one” but I’m no more guaranteed to be right than anyone else. There’s absolutely no way for any of us to know, you know? I can look at the Seanchan plotline as it stood in KoD, look at Mat’s ending, and say, “yeah, there’s nothing that Jordan could have done to make any of that feel anything less like a shit sandwich” but someone else might look at those two plot points and go, “well, if he did a. b. and c., then it would actually be a great story.” And they might even be absolutely correct that it would be a great story... but there’s still no guarantee it’s the story that Jordan would have written. And that’s not me saying that I think Jordan was... a terrible author at the end... because there still are some great scenes even in CoT & KoD (and New Spring is one of the best books in the series imo), but I do think he lost the thread of his story and wandered off into the weeds. And I don’t think that there was any guarantee that he would ever have picked it up again successfully. We might have had six more meandering books in the vein of CoT/KoD before sputtering to an end. Or he might have looked at how much easier and more crisp New Spring was as a read and reworked his future plans to put out a great banger of an ending. No way to know which direction he might have gone.

30. Tam had already turned into (unnamed as yet) Rand by the time Jordan got to the outlining stage - “Young man (age unspecified, but 18-25) in small village”. Interesting note that at this point in the outline men and women also had some different “abilities” from each other, not just different strengths. Oh. and the Dark One was also an alien at this point in the outline, “Sa’khan” and the Forsaken & Shadowspawn were fellow aliens that he brought with him from his dying world. But he had figured out already that he wanted the person who opposed “Sa’Khan” to be named the Dragon, and the origin of the savior/destroyer viewing of the Dragon was based on Jordan comparing the Western stories of dragons (fairly destructive) to the stories he heard in Vietnam (life-giving, standing for power and prosperity). Plus the various dragons and serpents in other cultural stories as well - the Norse world-serpent and the dragon in the Christian book of Revelation (sounds like Revelation is where he got the “seals on the Dark One’s prison” idea).

31. Looks like Rand’s original name was “Rhys al’Thor”, though Jordan played with the last name for a while. He liked the way “Arthur” and “Thor” had similar sounds and was looking to invoke both at the same time - so combining those two mythical figures is how he started with Rand -- a King Arthur who was also the god Thor. There’s a lot more King Arthur in the early books than the late books -- once we hit around The Fires of Heaven, we really move away from Rand being much involved in Arthurian myth (and that’s left more to Elayne & her family). Interestingly, al’Thor at this time was known as “The Hammer” - that part of what he envisioned for Rand kinda spun off into Perrin’s character, it sounds like.

32. Hmm, the original concept for Warders was a lot more of an equal partnership than it ended up being -- they were originally men “who watch the borders of human lands” and have “some abilities gifted from the Power, but they themselves have no use of the Power”. They’re bonded to a female wielder of the Power but notably “she cannot compel him to obey her�� but if he disobeys, it breaks the bond between them. The gifts they were given were a “sense” for the presence of evil, some good self-healing, and slowed aging.

33. Ah, the name Aes Sedai is based on the Irish myths of aos si (faerie from the Otherworld). And he based the White Tower structure on “the pre-modern convents of the Catholic Church”. He was also amassing a list of names yet to be attached to any characters: Lewin, Thom, Emon, Jaim, Elaida, Mina.

34. This is Jordan’s own (very early) list of how the characters he was creating matched up to Arthurian myth:

Merlin: Amyrlen

Igraine: Tigraine

Arthur: Rhys al’Thor

Gwynevere: Gwyn al’Veer

Morgan le Fay: Emorgaine

King Lot: (?) Lor

Margawse: Morgase

Gawain: Gwayne

Gareth: Garth

Interesting to see which names roughly survived and which didn’t. He’d already decided at this point that his “Merlin” figure would be a woman, the “Amrylen” (Amyrlin Seat). He’d already decided that “Gwynevere” would be a ‘village girl’ as well. I wonder if at this point “Gwyn al’Veer” was “Rhys al’Thor’s” only love interest or if he’d thought that far yet. “Sir Gareth” would be ‘one of the village lads’. Lancelot was turned into “Lan, the Warder”. “Sir Galahand” was originally Lan’s son.

35. In 1987, he wrote a new outline for the first book, with Rhys still his hero. At this point, several of the pieces of Winternight are already in place - the yearly festival, “Rhys” lives with his “widowed farmer” father outside the village, an attack by “half-beast” mean and the dad getting injured badly by one of them. The story that Tam tells about finding Rand is somewhat similar, though the Aiel were “savage tribesmen, horse-mounted clans” at this point. Oh! Oh! The change that the show made with Tam and Tigraine came from Jordan’s notes!!!! (either a consultant read the public notes or they were just very in tune with Jordan’s original thoughts): “he found a woman, a warrior of the enemy, on the slopes of Dragonmount, dying of her wounds. She was pregnant, and though it was obviously not time for the baby to be born, her wounds had brought on labor. He helped the woman birth her child, and buried her when she died”. And at this point, he had vaguely thought of a “Green-God” at the end of the book who would help Rhys defeat the forces of “Sa’khan”, a god that would be revealed as a construct of the Power who watched over a magical pool (which is basically the end of the Eye of the World).

36. In June of 1987, Jordan did a second version of his ‘namelist’ for the book. This one was 33 pages long. 33 pages of names for people, places, and things, with handwritten notes to adjust them further. Changes:

Dark One renamed to Sha’tan

The Ogyr are now tall instead of short and are excellent stoneworkers and foresters.

Rhys is now officially Rand

Has already decided that Rand would fake his own death after defeating the Dark One though “Moiraine, Arinel (an early name for Elayne), Equene (the current name for Egwene) are among those who are not fooled and will not let him go alone

Tam gets a name, though it’s short for “Tamtrim” at this time; he based it on Mesopotamian mythology: Tammuz (Dumuzid) who was the god of shepherds & ‘the life-giving growth of plants’

He shorted Tamtrim to “Tam” and gave the second syllable to “Matrim” also known as “Mat”, though it was currently a name without a character

originally there was a complex set of religions in the Westlands, but he dropped that in favor of “cultural mentalities” of groups like the Children of the Light, the Red Ajah, and the Tuatha’an.

sa’angreal were based on the idea of the Sangreal aka the Holy Grail from Arthurian literature; objects imbued with the One Power

Padan Fain was originally named “Eward White” - he died in the attack on the village in the first draft but was mysteriously surviving in future drafts and spotted in the city

“Nyneve Bayal”, based a bit on Nimue from Arthurian legend, was one of his first characters, and was originally meant to have a darker role where she died, was brought back from the dead, and is serving the Dark One, getting Lan to oppose Rand at one point, and also was going to ‘kill’ Moiraine (who had ascended to the Amrylin Seat) but actually trap her “half-way between life and death” to be brought back later. So parts of this role were given over to Lanfear.

Gentling was a much more violent process originally, and there was also originally a testing in place for men once they came of age. Originally, being gentled didn’t cause an intense depression but was “a form of lobotomy performed with the power that makes the victim very passive, incapable of violence, and receptive to being commanded” and he called it being “gelded”. It sounds like it didn’t actually remove the Power from them but instead turned them into tools to be used (which sort of got adjusted and moved to how the Seanchan find and treat the women they turn into damane, it sounds like).

37. The next step was the “Test Manuscript”. Further changes in this:

Peddler now named Mikal Fain.

Rand has friends! Matrim Piket, Dannil Aybara, and Perrin Dael. Dannil actually survived long enough in the drafts that he’s in the original cover art for EotW, I learn. Sadly, I think I no longer have my original battered copy of EotW - I replaced it last year when I decided to do my reread.

Dannil got cut from the book because Harriet pointed out that he was doing absolutely nothing (again, Harriet, where was this energy for CoT & KoD?). The general plot was roughly the same as the finishing product at this point, so I assume Perrin was with Egwene, and Mat had stolen the dagger and was with Rand, so... where was Dannil in all this? lol, Jordan tried to keep him in by arguing “he’ll be important in book 5!” I wonder if he was originally the boy who would go over to the Seanchan and Mat took over that role?

Yeah, the version of the Test Manuscript that has Dannil in it is a lot less focused than the finished version.

38. The next surviving revision is “Revision 23″. Changes of note:

The Ogier “Jak Vladad” become Loial.

Jaren Telamon becomes Lews Therin Telamon.

39. Honestly, given the things that I hated so much about what CoT & KoD gave us, it’s almost sad to read Jordan writing:

The main thrust of the story will not be how fact becomes legend, however. Rather it will explore the nature of good and evil, of free will and the duty owed by the individual to humanity as a whole, of why and how mankind makes the choice to oppose evil, and the harm that can be done in the name of good.

People who do not champion and support good are acquiescing in the press of evil.

Some people who believe they are championing good actually fight [for] the cause of evil, for they would bind the free will given by the Creator.

That is EXACTLY what it feels like the story lost for me in Rand, Perrin, & Mat’s storylines in CoT & KoD. It felt like Jordan got so caught up in the shiny newness of allying with the Seanchan that he overlooked his own themes in the series and how he was undermining them.

40. At this point, Jordan is drafting The Great Hunt and has a somewhat comprehensive summary of the long game of the series as a whole:

Rand tries to flee his destiny but this only brings him into further conflict with the Forsaken

Determined to unite the people to face “Sha’tan’s” minions, by force if necessary

This middle section here I’m not certain about though -- he tries to defeat the Dark One, fails horribly, and must flee to regroup. That doesn’t sound like something that happened during his fights against TDO. That sounds more like when he tried to take back Ebou Dar from the Seanchan. Interesting change.

Rand was supposed to be completely without allies at some point in the story, originally, but that never quite happens in the books. The closest we really get is his flight from the Darkfriend Asha’man who attack him at the end of The Path of Daggers, but even then he flees... to his allies in Caemlyn (picking up Nynaeve, etc) and, of course, Min is surgically attached to him nearly all the time after that point He was supposed to realize that “by attempting to force humankind to oppose evil he was attempting to circumvent the free will that the Creator had made a central part of all humans”.

The ending is essentially what we got -- Rand binds away evil rather than destroying it because it “cannot be destroyed any more than can Good. Evil must be opposed by people who choose to champion Good”.

“Humanity, to be human, must have something to oppose and something to support, and the free choice of which will be which.” I feel like that is essentially exactly what happens in Rand’s confrontation with TDO in Shayol Ghul, yes?

also, no mention of allying with slavers, just pointing that out.

41. lol, damn, in the Test Manuscript, Min bangs Rand in the first book, right after “Eguene” breaks up with him. lol, and, wow this is... not super-great. So Lord of Chaos/A Crown of Swords Min was always in the plans, it seemed. It does seem like Jordan lifted some of the ideas in this scene for the post-Rand/Aviendha sex scene -- Rand talking about how they have to get married now that they’ve had sex and her being like “lol no”. Min also talks here in a way that makes it clear that she already had a viewing about having had sex with Rand, though she’s... happy enough about fulfilling the prophecy in this version.

42. Oh, here we go! First mention of what would become Seanchan in Jordan’s notes. I really am intrigued to see how this idea grew (and eventually took over and swamped) the rest of the series, even if I’m unhappy at the results in the books themselves. So, the first idea for the ~other continent~ was that Rand would be “shipwrecked on the coast of a Blight” and find himself in a land broken into city-states, each ruled by an Aes Sedai. Pretty different from the Seanchan we ended up with. Rand was going to fall in love with the daughter of a general that he was “given” to but then have to leave to avoid being gentled by the Aes Sedai in charge of the city-state, with not!Tuon bringing an army with her to help him take the “Stone of Stair”. Okay, Michael calling Tuon a ~young general who is also a ruler~ is hilarious. Tuon never showed an ounce of tactical knowledge in the entire series. Anyway, changing from Rand shipwrecking in Seanchan to instead having the Seanchan invade was supposed to... tighten the plot. Best laid plans o’ mice and men. Best laid plans. Boy, wow, it did the opposite.

43. Unfortunately, we don’t get a timeline here of when and how Jordan swapped things over from one version to the other. It was mentioned in the start that a lot of Jordan’s notes were not dated, so it can’t be certain exactly when certain things happened. The author notes that Jordan had also wanted to “dive into the complicated politics of a land invaded”. Again, shame that Jordan only really did that in WH and then decided Mat navel-gazing for two books was more interesting (in fairness, he does continue to explore it a bit in the prologues but, yeah, it really feels like he dropped the ball in the main storylines featuring the Seanchan).

44. Oooh, getting into Taimandred. “To imagine that an author never changes their mind about their plots or characters -- especially in a work as massively complex as The Wheel of Time -- would be foolish” .. “Another example of this -- interesting both for the ramifications within the narrative and its importance to fans -- is the shifting identity of the character Demandred. It’s a perfect microcosm of not just Jordan’s ceaseless creative process, but also the kinds of problems it left Brandon and Team Jordan in the wake of his passing.”

45. Interesting! Even after he’d finished The Great Hunt and was working on The Dragon Reborn, Jordan hadn’t finalized all the names of the Forsaken yet. In his notes he had:

Ishamael (check and already in the books)

Lanfear (ditto)

Aginor - already dead

Balthamel - already dead

Sammael

Rahvin

De’ath (...literally just the word death with an apostrophe)

Moloc

Be’aldrid

Maladour

Malifecin

Sha’rein

Savintar

46. “If we rewind back to Jordan’s own notes, however, we can see that at least at the time Jordan was writing Lord of Chaos, Taimandred was absolutely true.” Twice in his private notes for the books, Jordan wrote “Taim/Demandred showed up” at Dumai’s Wells. In his notes where he was summing up the accomplishments of the Forsaken, for Demandred, he wrote: “He will show up claiming to be Mazrim Taim, taking advantage of Rand’s amnesty.” And he was also supposed to originally be the person who’d killed Asmodean (makes sense, since it happens very soon before “Taim” shows up in the story). We know this because he wrote in a note about Nynaeve - “She does not know that Asmodean was a prisoner of Rand, nor, of course, that he was killed by Demandred.” The author says that it’s difficult to tell from Jordan’s notes when and why Taimandred changed into two separate people. “Sadly, we’ll never know. Jordan shared a great deal with Harriet and the other members of Team Jordan, but he hardly told them everything.”

In my own reread, it felt very much like Taim was Taimandred in LoC and very clearly that he was only Taim in WH, but the parts in between are wobbly and uncertain.

47. Honestly, I feel like pivoting away from Taimandred was a mistake on Jordan’s part. Him being the author of the slaughter at Dumai’s Wells and him killing Asmodean just... makes so much more sense than what we ended up with. I’m gonna hope that the tv rule of conservation of characters leads the show back to Taimandred as a reality, lol.

48. It was Brandon who came up with Random Sharan Army to try to explain why the fuck the Dark One was so pleased with Demandred in LoC if he wasn’t Taim and therefore had accomplished absolutely nothing of note on the page. Interesting. I was sure that the Random Sharan Army was connected to Jordan’s pivot to allying with the slavers, because the numbers just didn’t seem justified otherwise, but I guess Jordan was allying with them... for who knows why tbh. The mystery of why Jordan was obsessed with allying with the slavers remains a mystery thus far into this book. It kinda seems like it will be one of those forever questions that is never answered.

Jordan just... he really didn’t successfully sell me on it actually being NECESSARY to ally with the slavers, and I think a lot of that is rooted in his arbitrary withholding of information from Rand? Like, Rand is trying to ally with the slavers because he believes he has no choice, but HIS OWN ALLIES (including his LOVER!!!) are straight-up withholding vital intel from him re: the slaver army’s weaknesses for... absolutely no good reason at all. The deck feels so artificially stacked in the Seanchan’s favor due to Min and Nynaeve undergoing voluntary amnesia rather than any actual narrative reasons for the Seanchan to have the advantage. Again, it’s a place where I feel like I can literally see Jordan’s puppet strings on everyone’s shoulders rather than it making sense that the characters would behave this way.

49. Okay, the summary of what we know about the “outriggers”:

Set 5-10 years after the Last Battle

“focused on Mat, Tuon, and the changes faced by the Seanchan as a result of the events of the Last Battle” lol what changes. that was the whole issue through KOD. That Jordan refused to let Tuon change or grow even the slightest bit. I guess this would have been changes that happen despite Tuon throwing tantrums and kicking and screaming the whole way (and probably murdering and enslaving a LOT more people).

“All that survives, in fact, are two tantalizing sentences. One depicts Mat lying in a cold gutter, the dice having failed him. The other sees Perrin on a boat, sailing to Seanchan to kill an old friend.”

honestly, if it had the same energy as the Mat and Perrin chapters in CoT/KoD, then it’s hard to imagine the outriggers being anything but a boring slog where our main characters constantly think about how they should oppose slavery but then don’t actually do anything useful because slavery is just so gosh-darn helpful and some of the slavers are just so pretty. I’m just... I do wish more notes had survived on this, because Jordan’s pivot towards having all his main male characters working towards allying with and appeasing the slavers has been THE thing about CoT & KoD that really ruined those two books for me, and I just wish I understood WHY he went from his interesting and nuanced storyline that he had all the way through Winter’s Heart and instead changed it to Mat acting like “wanting to brutally torture and enslave people” and “not wanting to be brutally tortured and enslaved” are two equally valid points of view, with the edge being given to whoever has the most mysterious eyes.

50. More interesting to me are that Jordan had been considering writing a prequel about Tam. Basically the story that Jordan had first considered, all those years ago, about a soldier who has finished with his war. The other prequel he’d wanted to write would have been Moiraine and Lan’s lead-up to Winternight -- what led them to Two Rivers just in time. “As with the outrigger novels, however, Jordan’s archived papers contain no complete sequences or outlines”.

51. And the rest of the book is a glossary of the various characters, places, and ideas, with how they connect to mythology or the real world. I might potentially use it in the future during fics maybe but I’m not going to go over it here.

Overall, this was very interesting, even if the questions that I most wish could have been answered still remain mysteries.

#wot reread #technically not a reread #but it fits in that tag for organizational reasons #wheel of time #wot #wot book spoilers #wot spoilers #a memory of light #amol spoilers #a memory of light spoilers #the wheel of time

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turtlecleric · 11 months ago

Text

Okay. I'm rereading Symphony after the Chapter 20 bombshell because I am so Very Unwell, and I'm keeping track of my thoughts here. SPOILERS for Symphony, obviously. I quote the fic a lot, and those quotes are in bold.

[I'm making a new post for this so that it's not so obnoxiously long and annoying for everyone's dash after I finish each chapter. I'll just update this one post instead of adding more and more reblogs.]

Last Chapter Reread: Chapter 20!! This post is finally complete!

Chapter 1

I'm just... I can't stop thinking about Violist-chan right now. Even from the very first chapter, it's established that she (in my opinion) is the type of person who really goes above and beyond to be thoughtful and considerate and just plain nice to people (as long as they aren't complete jerks obviously).

She put together goody bags for her neighbors because she was going to be practicing at home for a bit, and these bags had "ear plugs, ibuprofen, a small gift card to one of the local coffee shops, two homemade cookies, and a card with your handwriting on it" as well as her cell number so people could ask her to stop if need be, like???? Are you kidding me???? That's so much effort and time and actual money spent that she put into that, and she wasn't even close to any of her neighbors (at the time) or anything, she was just being considerate. And then at April's door she offers to go get more cookies for them just to prevent any sort of argument over the cookies. Then offers Casey a discount on violin lessons. Then offers to let him use and potentially buy one of her old violins since he doesn't have one. GIRL. LEO IS RIGHT. YOU'RE TOO NICE.

On another note, have we seen the diagonal neighbor yet that wasn't home when Vi was distributing cookies? I can't remember. I wonder if they're going to be important. I'm not dismissing ANYTHING anymore.

Oh my god. Her talking to April about becoming friends -> Quick, what’s something friends do together?! “We can… grab coffee sometime?” Shit, shit, that’s a date thing, right? Fuck!

Then just after, when she's alone -> “…Friend,” you echo stupidly, trying to think of when was the last time someone had called you that. To put it gently, that's not the word most people use to describe you. THIS HURTS ME. VIOLIST DEFENSE SQUAD ROLL OUT FOR REAL, LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?? SO WHAT, HAVE PEOPLE JUST BEEN NEGLECTING AND USING HER HER ENTIRE LIFE??? I'M SO ANGRY. (But also, Grace and Sinclair are perfectly nice and friendly... I feel like Vi really struggles with making and keeping friends? So she just. Keeps herself so busy that she doesn't have time to think about how actually lonely she really is?)

that little mindfulness trip you were pretending you were definitely going to take this year no really this time is also off the books

She straight up does not take care of herself and kind of knows that? She's never her own first priority. God.

A sense of unworthiness slides down your spine like ice; it doesn’t feel proper for you to receive praise for something that should just be normal.

The first time I read this I remember thinking that she was such a good person for this mentality, but now this makes me think of the (Stupid girl. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid) stuff we've been getting lately. I'm so sad for her, I wonder if she's always struggled with negative thoughts and feelings about herself and the relationship with Alopex made it worse?

You look tired, you think, studying the bags under your eyes and the frown on your face. Do you always look this tired? Is this the face everyone sees you wear? Is this how the world knows you?

Once again. I am so sad for her.

When April runs into her and her laundry goes everywhere and she just. 'It's okay, I got it, go on, don't worry' like I'm??? SO????? I'm not mad at April or anything obviously, but this is just another instance of Vi putting herself last, behind literally everyone else. ALL SHE DOES IS GIVE GIVE GIVE.

What an excellent introduction to her character.

---

Chapter 2

Vi talking about the proper sitting technique with Casey - "You’ll get used to it. Maybe someday you’ll be like me and that’s just how you sit now.”

This is hitting me because yes obviously she's a professional musician so it makes perfect sense, but also the idea of doing something that starts out as uncomfortable for so long, over and over and over, until it feels natural to you... kind of like how she's made being alone (in the ways that matter), staying busy, and putting others first into her normal.

God. Casey still, even after so long, having to remind himself that his life is no longer a genuine toss up every day. "Plenty of time" must have been such a foreign concept that he still struggles with at times.

Vi is genuinely so funny. I need to shower her in compliments immediately.

Ooh, you misread that one. ... “Sorry, I just assumed-"

GOD. Vi seeing a relationship between Casey and April where there wasn't one (yet). This hits different after chapter 20. Fuck.

you’re kind of desperate for pleasant things at the moment

I'm going to cry. This is literally only the second chapter and nothing has really happened yet but I'm really realizing how much I love Vi and want her to be happy. I want her to be taken care of so badly. My heart aches for her.

Donnie: "I apologize. I misunderstood.” HM. ANOTHER NOD TO MISUNDERSTANDINGS. This has GOT to be intentional. I'm so angry (impressed).

Vi, to Donnie about Casey: "if I find out that you’re being a dick, we’re going to have words.” She's so fiercely protective of others. But for herself??? Nah. Let it go, be the bigger person, blah blah blah. I'm going to fling myself into the sun.

---

Chapter 3

Baking apology cookies for April and Donnie. ONCE AGAIN. VI IS TOO NICE. GOD.

“Typical Donnie stuff,” April says, opening the oven to check on whatever smells amazing inside. “Being a smug little buttface. Jumping to conclusions. Running his big mouth.”

YEAH. YEP. TYPICAL DONNIE STUFF. GOD.

Vi just. So easily and quickly forgiving Donnie after their first meeting. Despite her justifiable anger. I'm. Gritting my teeth. (I LOVE Donnie, I will ALWAYS be a Donnie girl, but I cannot help being so, so angry with him after chapter 20.)

Leo's first appearance!! God I love him so fucking much. (I cannot wait for his talk with Vi whenever we finally make it to Saturday in the fic. I'm also slightly terrified that whatever he tells Vi will be some sort of... betrayal? I don't think my heart could take being upset with both Donnie AND Leo... we'll see.)

The pressure that Vi felt while Leo was studying her... I'm still wondering if the pressure was an actual like... mystical thing, somehow? Or if it's just his Presence, if he's just that good, that he can make his scrutiny something almost physical.

him not knowing you well enough to know you don’t normally look this exhausted

Is that even true, though? I feel like Vi IS always exhausted. How could she not be? Literally HOW does she even function, honestly?

"They’d have to get through me if they wanted to do something, and god, April, I was hoping they would, all but begging them to, I was so fucking mad—”

Once again, she is so fiercely protective of others. And I'm almost... worried about it. She really does throw herself in harms way without a second thought. I almost wonder if... some part of her welcomes some kind of... punishment or backlash or something. 'Better me hurt than anyone else' kind of thing, you know? And there was a line a few paragraphs before that - you tug on a lock of hair to distract yourself from getting too worked up - and that, paired with the recent things she's been doing in 20 and 21, gripping her arms and leaving crescent marks, pressing into the bruises Donnie left, only forcing herself to eat in front of Leo so he doesn't worry... all of that is very familiar to me in the worst way. I'm so worried about her.

you look up to see three faces looking at you with various levels of awe. It makes you sick, seeing it, knowing that they think you’re something incredible when you’re just doing the bare minimum. Your arms fold, nails digging into your biceps - again, I remember reading this the first time and thinking she was so great, and she IS, but I'm so so WORRIED about her. Also, once again, the digging nails into her skin thing. Worried. WORRIED.

(I love April so much. God. She deserves more love and attention from me, she really is such a good friend.)

Leo, you note, has been quiet for this entire conversation. You notice it suddenly ... Even when you look at him and his eyes meet your own, staring, staring, he doesn’t say anything, and his face is blank.

I'm obsessed with him. I'm obsessed with whatever is going on in his head. I'm obsessed. I was obsessed then, I'm obsessed now, I will stay obsessed. I love him.

“This was—so amazing, oh my god,” you tell April and Casey. “I’m so glad we’re friends. Can we do this all the time? I’ll bring cookies and bread and stuff.”

SHE'S SO LONELY. SHE JUST WANTS FRIENDS. VI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRIBE PEOPLE TO GET THEM TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. I'M SO GODDAMN SAD.

Leo saying Vi is good with people. And Casey earlier saying that Donnie is NOT good with people. And just. Chapter 20, with her blaming herself for not seeing what was going on. For thinking she's so stupid and everything is on her. Chapter 21, with the (Did you try?). I'm so so angry. I'm sick with it.

Vi is so smart. Putting things together and making connections and realizing things that others might miss - even Leo acknowledges it. So having the chapter 20 realization... more and more I'm convinced that, yeah sure Vi is an unreliable narrator, but I REALLY feel like Donnie is just a fucking idiot (I mean that so affectionately, I promise).

"I’d… like to have more nights like this one. To. To have a family. If I can.” “You can,” he says, reaching out a hand and laying it over yours...

Then Leo talking about how you're like Donnie, implying how it'd be fun to watch Vi and Donnie get closer... does Leo feel guilty over this now? Now that Vi is so fucking... Hurt? Does he partly blame himself for the pain she's experiencing now?

you do feel a small twinge of sympathy for how easily he dismisses his troubles

OH OTHERS DISMISSING THEIR TROUBLES???? HM. HM.

Finally, sure you’re alone and no one’s here to ever know, you let yourself cry.

Seriously, I am on the Violist defense squad for life. I would die for her. God.

---

Chapter 4

Normally you’d ignore it [her phone going off], since it’d be something innocuous like a bank notification, or maybe something as spicy as a wrong number. But you have, like, friends now.

:( just. Reiterating how goddamn lonely she is. My eyes are actually watering over this. WE'RE NOT EVEN TO THE BIG STUFF YET AND I'M SO FUCKING SAD.

having to do a double-take when you see yourself looking positively ghoulish

Does she ever describe herself as looking good?? I'm thinking back to the aquarium, surely she thought she looked nice for that, at least, but aside from then I can't remember??? Has Donnie even once called her beautiful or pretty or even nice looking? I can't REMEMBER and I'm having FEELINGS about it.

Agreeing to make Casey some bread immediately upon being asked, even though she'd have to go to the store to get everything she needs. I get the feeling she is like 'if I make myself useful, if I pair my presence with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around' and I don't know how unconscious that whole thought process is for her but I'm seeing it a lot.

Now that you’re keeping your window locked pathologically, the old game of sneaking in via the fire escape is off the table.

Wait... did I miss something about the window staying locked? Hang on what the fuck. Is this a throwaway line or does this mean something? HANG ON I'M PANICKING NOW WHY WAS THIS ONCE A THING BUT NOW IT'S NOT????

the more you forget to eat during the season

Do not like this. That it's just normal for her to forget to eat so often during the season. This is probably just me looking into it too deeply, I know people do this all the time, but I Do Not like it and I need someone to take care of her so badly. Like Leo has been doing lately, tbh. She deserves the world. (Am I... falling in love with the fucking insert character? I might be. Dammit.)

(Mikey appears!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHH)

Donnie to Vi at the store: “You look a lot less like you got hit by a garbage truck."

BOY IF YOU DON'T- HHHHHHHH I'M FINE.

“I’d been under the impression that you had your feelings hurt by what I’d said,” he says, raising his fingers and curling them into quotes around the word. ... "...apologies are dumb.”

Clenching. My. Jaw. I love him, I find him so charming and funny, but knowing about chapter 20 just has me so full of rage that these little comments are killing me now.

Aaaand Vi agreeing to make Leo cookies now. Once again. Doing things for others. Almost constantly, honestly.

it’s more a stress thing than a hobby [Vi talking about baking]

Hm. Her stress response is to be busy/useful to others. Hmmmmm.

While making bread for Casey, she made a whole other loaf of bread just for Leo. And then when Casey slips up about saying he'd never touched an oven before - you shrug one shoulder to show you’re chill with the secret. “…It’s, uh. Not impossible to believe, I guess?” you say, hoping to comfort. - she is always so focused on making others feel better. Constantly. Repeat after me: trauma.

"You’ve proved yourself to be a capable consultant."

Pursing my lips at this comment from Donnie.

You’re almost certainly projecting, but you tuck away the feeling nonetheless.

Pursing. My. Lips.

Vi: “…Sorry, I’m, uh. Kind of new to the friend thing. I’m still learning.”

Donnie: “Well, that won’t be a problem you’ll have for long. Practice makes perfect, and as a perfectionist myself, I’ll ensure your training will be thorough.”

This just. I. I know I've got a lot to reread before we get to the "relationship" but like??? I can't remember, but is he still under the impression that he's training her in friendship while he's fucking her? Yes, it's an experiment, but?????? Even then?????? I'M?????? I cannot fathom- I just don't- UGH THIS STUPID FUCKER

---

Chapter 5

God. The insights into Donnie's issues. Hits me just as hard the second time around. It... does soften my anger with him a little. To remind myself how intense his touch aversion was/is.

My heart still aches for Vi, obviously, but my heart aches for Donnie, too. He's doing the best he can with what he's got - like most people. I love him to death and I want him to be happy, too. He's not the villain. He can be a jerk, yeah, but the bombshell in chapter 20 to me really is just a misunderstanding. He's not being cruel. He just doesn't understand. (UNLESS I'M WRONG. IN WHICH CASE. DEATH.) But genuinely... it's just a tragic situation right now. Anyway, back to chapter five.

“…Can you check up on him for me?” you ask Leo, bringing your hands to your chest and curling them together in a self-soothing gesture. “I’m worried I might have upset him, somehow. He was okay until I asked him about it.”

Sorry I'm back on my "Vi deserves the world, she cares so much about others, always thinks of others and tends to blame herself for things too often, I'm going to lose my mind" bullshit.

"…He seems lonely.”

YOU SEEM LONELY. VI. I AM HUGGING YOU SO HARD RN.

---

Chapter 6

You, for one, are still feeling a little awkward from whatever hot mess had happened over dinner last night and hadn’t felt comfortable being the first one to reach out despite Leo’s wordless promise that things were fine.

Donnie, it seems, does not share the same issue, or at least has overcome it. …Then again, it’s completely possible that you’re overthinking all of this, you suppose, texting him back as if nothing had happened.

I can only wonder about the difference we'll see between this and what happens when Vi and Donnie talk now (after the incident in Chapter 20). I'm HOPING there is open and honest communication... but we'll see.

You’re not exactly sure what’s going on between your ears, but it’s starting to leak out and project your thoughts onto others, making you see things.

:( so mad at myself. So goddamn mad I never saw the unreliable narrator thing coming. She WASN'T just seeing things here, but still. Little hints here and there like this are slapping me in the face now.

"I don’t want you to hurt your hand.”

Your chest squeezes a bit at his care

The bar is on the floor honestly. She needs someone to care about her enough that something like that doesn't give her that kind of reaction.

(Even with my anger and sorrow for Vi, Donnie still has me falling for him as I reread this. God.)

[April talking] “…I knew you were a good one,” she says, causing you to scoff and turn your face when you feel it warm. “Nuh uh, you’re gonna take the compliment this time, girlie.” Yes April!! My girl!!! She really is so amazing.

“Wow! I see no one but Donnie loves me,” you gripe

Hey what's up I'm crying

Vi making a mental note to make everyone a batch of cookies... I won't repeat myself. Okay, fine, I will - if I can manage to stay useful, if I can pair myself with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around.

(On a side note........ Mikey refers to Leo's thirst traps on his So-Shell account...... I would like to see them)

“Any idea why Donnie’s looking at you like you’re the first slice of pepperoni pizza from a particularly yummy-smelling box?”

Leo once again teasing you about Donnie...

[Vi Talking] "This is so nice. I like hanging out here.”

WHY CAN'T I HUG HER. WHY. LET ME HUG HER.

Jeez rereading this reminds me just how much Leo was sort of playing matchmaker between Vi and Donnie. He HAS to feel guilty now. Mad at Donnie, yeah, but also so guilty over all the things he did to push and encourage and tease.

You’ve been hugged more in the last few days than you probably have your entire life, and it feels so, so good, like you’re loved and you belong and they’re telling you that with their bodies as much as their words.

ONCE AGAIN. MAY I PLEASE HUG HER. That section is about how Donnie hasn't had that in a really long time, and that is heartbreaking, but I'm still really focused on Vi. Please let me hug her. Please.

---

Chapter 7

It’s tempting to think about the small things he’s done that could be him reciprocating your feelings; how he lets you into his lab, how his eyes consume you, how he lets you touch him, seems to crave it even.

[Through tears] yeah. Easy.

he’s an attractive genius ninja who could have anyone he wanted. And you’re just… you.

JUST YOU??? YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING. I WILL KILL FOR YOU, VI. FUCK.

Vi is so fucking funny. And smart. Well, of course, she's a perfect match for Donnie, and I love Donnie, so it makes sense, but still. I hate that she thinks so lowly of herself.

“Challenge? Absolutely not. I’m not even remotely dressed for that,” you deny, hesitating when Leo rolls his eyes. “…But I guess I can do one song.”

She sees Leo roll his eyes and relents. ONCE AGAIN I may be reading too into things, but I'm getting this... feeling about that. Idk. She WILL chew you out if you're an asshole. She WILL bicker and banter and razz. She isn't a pushover or anything at ALL, but... idk what I'm trying to say. This is making me think that, at least with people she really wants to like her, any sign of them being annoyed or upset by her has her internally scrambling to fix it. I'm probably just protecting here but. Idk.

Leo winking when you go off with Donnie. :(

“I don’t… like it when people touch me,” ... “—but it feels different when it’s you,” he says, and this time when his gaze meets yours, your breath latches in your throat like a lock and his eyes are clouded with a hesitant clarity, like he knows exactly what he’s saying but he doesn’t understand why he’s saying it.

Come on. Come ON. He doesn't understand. This HAS to mirror him not understanding the nature of their relationship later on, right??

It’s possible, you suppose, that you’re misunderstanding what he’s implying—again projecting what you want to hear on his words.

Flinging myself. Into. The sun.

[Donnie's] tone tucking into a more clinical tone like a safety blanket

Just like how viewing the relationship from a strictly clinical, experimental point of view protects him. Am I reading into this right? This is still early, before Vi sees them as having gotten together, but it mirrors what happens later, right? It's a defense thing for him, to see their activities as strictly an experiment and to not let himself look any closer whether he realizes it or not?

(GOD. JUST GOTTA TAKE A BREATHER HERE. THE TOUCH STUFF. I'M WEAK. STILL. I'M WEAK. I CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER ON IT BECAUSE I JUST. GOD.)

“What? I can’t compliment my bestie and her fine legs?” Leo coos, reaching over and flicking your nose gently.

“Leonardo,” Donnie warns, folding his arms.

I'm sorry. What other way is there to read this aside from Donnie already feeling a little possessive over Vi? Also I'm glad Leo is giving her compliments pretty often. SOMEONE needs to.

So many little things that indicate Donnie likes her, really truly likes her... HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BLAME VI WITH ALL THIS BUILDUP AND EVIDENCE. I'M FUCKING. UGHHHH

---

Chapter 8

Having such amazing friends wants you to reach out and have a little piece of that, maybe learn how to be a little amazing yourself, too.

You ARE amazing. I'm crying in the fucking club over Vi. What the FUCK.

God. The anti-mutant guy in the coffee shop. Once again she so easily sticks up for others without a single thought to her own wellbeing. Also, the random guy that stepped in and started beating that fucker... again, I'm not letting anything go. I wonder if he's actually just a random guy or if he's important/will come back into play. Also, Vi getting hurt and thinking "it better not stop me from practicing" like??? I SWEAR. (Workaholic. Must be useful. Must keep going so I don't have time to wallow in loneliness. etc.)

Just noticing, again, how Vi tries so hard to respect boundaries. Not asking April about Casey's past while she talks with April in the coffee shop, even after April lets a little comment slip. She tries to respect boundaries so hard and takes on so much emotional labor. That's not nothing.

Donnie tells her to send another pic of herself in the bath. Says he noticed she wasn't wearing her perfume recently. I'm sorry. WHAT is platonic about that. Literally I do not fucking understand. God. Just fucking shoot me.

Irritable, you at least make yourself useful and clean your apartment

The way she phrases that. Make yourself useful. I'm. SIGH. I need to hug her. It's not a want, at this point, it's a need.

you watch as his brows furrow again, his lips pursing. “…I don’t like this.”

“The bruise? Me neither. It fucking hurts.”

“Someone else’s handprint on you,” he specifies.

Come ON. And then saying he enjoys touching her. COME ON. How is he not in love with her? He's GOTTA be.

She calls him beautiful. He. He doesn't say it back. This kills the man (the man is me). He does say he's enjoying holding her hand, but that's tied back to the experiment. I'm so sad.

When Leo accidentally hurts Vi by pressing the bruise and she is like "it's fine I'm fine" AND moves away so Donnie doesn't touch her because she's hyper aware that Donnie doesn't want Leo to know about the touch thing?? CONSTANTLY. THINKING. OF OTHERS.

“…You don’t even get how incredible you are, do you?” he asks, causing you to roll your eyes. “You seriously don’t see it.”

YES LEO. YES. TELL HER. I'M SO!!!!! UGH.

---

Chapter 9

Wearing a line into your rug, you shake your hands as you fret, brain racing a million miles an hour while your muscles buzz with the need to be productive.

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm so sad for her. This is one of the million little things that makes me worry so much over Vi. The need to be productive, the anxiety over it even when she has a legitimate reason to take it easy.

[Leo] His frown deepens, eyes going a little dark with anger. It reminds you, a bit, of the energy you’d felt before he’d known you; when a simple stare had all the hairs on your body standing on end, paralyzed, a rabbit before a stalking wolf.

Sorry, wolf Leo? Sorry, villain au? Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh OK ok sorry I'm back to normal Sorry

You swallow at the sight of it, and, needing to soothe, change the subject before he can really engage with it

Needing to soothe. God. GOD. Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about how this might be a result of trauma just because I see it so often with Vi. Like she's... taking responsibility for other people's potential negative emotions/reactions when it's people she's close to. Feeling the need to do anything she can to prevent a blowup or whatever. I'm unwell.

Leo may be better at reading people than you, but you’re still really good.

This kills me. I'm TELLING you, man, Donnie is in love with her and she thought it was a relationship because it SHOULD be, it WOULD be if Donnie wasn't oblivious to his own feelings (or maybe he has different views on what a relationship is? Maybe there are unspoken laws in his head about what constitutes this sort of relationship vs that sort of relationship? Idk I'm honestly sort of an idiot so I'll just have to wait and see what Sam reveals about all this, but I can't help reeling all over again when lines like this pop up).

[Helping Leo relax and sleep] It’s not practicing, but it is something productive you can do, in a way. The need to be useful. Again. I'm crying.

“Want some water? I’ll grab us something.” ... “Sure,” you tell him, knowing he needs to take care, to provide in order to feel in control,

Even letting someone else do something for her is framed as her trying to be useful. I'm FUCKING crying.

So you sit, quiet, letting him use you,

That wording. Letting him use you. God. GOD. I'm not joking when I tell you my heart fucking aches for Vi. This isn't anything bad - she's just helping Leo get some sleep - but the phrasing of letting him use her. I'm so deeply unwell.

[Leo says] “You n’ Donnie really are perfect for each other.”

Yeah. Fuck.

“You work too much, you know that?"

YOU'RE RIGHT, LEO. YOU'RE SO FUCKING RIGHT.

...peering into the plastic bag to find a sweet spread of sushi. Wow, Leo really felt bad about the drool thing, you muse.

Alternatively, he appreciates the fuck out of you. Hang on I'm gonna look Too Hard at this real quick. The idea that Vi naturally defaults to Leo getting her nice sushi because he feels guilty rather than thankful. The idea that she isn't doing anything worthy of appreciation or praise, but rather that he mostly just feels obligated to make up for drooling on her. I need to hug her please. I'm actually begging at this point.

[Thinking about Donnie] It’s ridiculous how he can be so smart and so stupid at the same time

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. FUCK.

“It’s just so funny to think of him apparently hating classical music now, because before, he always used to listen to—” Casey starts lightheartedly, though his jaw snaps shut and his face goes very, very still. Terrorized eyes snap wide on your face like he’s seeing you for the first time, like you’re a myth come to life. ... “…Oh, no,” he warbles, his lips quivering as he looks at you like he’s seen a ghost. Then, with a jolt, he shakes his head, clutching at the back of his nape hard and looking off to the side, a tormented fake smile on his face that looks sharp as a knife and like it’s cutting him just as much to hold it. “I-It’s nothing, just… Just thought about something I’d heard when I was a kid, once. I just… suddenly realized something, is all.” ... He looks like he has War and Peace on the tip of his tongue as he nearly consumes your face, memorizing it even,

OH MY GOD. OUCH. HAHA. HA. YEAH. OKAY. YEAH.

It makes you clutch your biceps, nails digging into your flesh, muscles pulling tight as you fret, fret, fret.

There it is again, the nails digging into skin. A little thing, but it has the potential to be dangerous, or even to hint at something dangerous being a possibility in the future. (Me projecting, projecting, projecting, always.)

God. I'm falling in love with Donnie once again. When will I be stopped.

“You—I’m so mad at you for doing this when I told you not to, but also this is the most amazing thing anyone’s ever done for me, and I want to thank you but I don’t have any cookies on me at the moment.”

Hey look I'm gonna Read Way Too Into Things again. She says this as if her words mean nothing. As if saying thank you and verbally expressing her gratitude is not enough, so she has to do something (be useful be useful be useful) to really be expressing her gratitude. (I get that sometimes words don't feel like enough, especially when we're so overcome with gratitude and we want the other person to REALLY get how thankful we are, I promise I get that, but it's just all these little tiny constant bits that have me seeing innocuous things like this as so much more. I'm sorry, again, I'm probably projecting.)

Also, just saying this so I have it on record, but Donnie has very firmly confirmed that he has befriended her, here. Just saying. For my sanity.

(The touch stuff. I'm on fire. I am burning as I type. God.)

[Raph] “Don’t mention it. Worrying is what I do."

That comment makes me so sad. Everything makes me sad. I'm a sad sack over every single person in this goddamn fic.

(Third Law. I'm soft.)

Leo calling Vi a "lovely lady" - once again, thank God someone is complimenting her.

Leo giving Donnie a flat look... I need to know what is going on in his mind like I need air.

LEO ASKING IF EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND CALLING HER HERMOSA AND BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

---

Chapter 10

Mikey is so!!! I love him I love him I love him I-

(Mikey calls her cute in the group chat 💕 sweetest boy)

Vi making more cookies for the boys. Again. (Useful useful useful)

Huffing out in relief, you smile and nod, showing him the ulnar flossing exercises

Vi feeling relief that Mikey asks to see the wrist stretches... relief that she is being useful. Relief that she can help. Sigh.

When Donnie is laying on the cot, he asks Vi to stay and: the angle he’s using to tug on you is encouraging you to lie down instead. You hesitate, swallowing thickly, causing him to huff out an annoyed sigh, his eyes falling shut into a frown.

“If you’d rather go find Leo—”

“What? No,” you say, baffled he’d even think that. You try to remember the words he’d used yesterday, when you’d asked for a hug, ready to use them against him. “It’s just that this is a… a rather large escalation of contact.”

“Oh,” Donnie says, his frown smoothing out a bit. “Not really? It’s essentially the same thing?”

“…But in bed?” you clarify, wondering if maybe there’s some kind of turtle-brained thing that makes horizontal touches no different, or if you’re just overreacting.

HANG ON. THIS HITS DIFFERENT NOW.

he starts the music and then tucks back into you like that’s just what the two of you do.

...Donnie doesn't have a lot of friends, either. Do you think he really doesn't see the stuff that's happening as romantic? Does he think, even once the sex starts, that it's not unusual for friends to engage in that sort of thing as long as they agree to it beforehand? Or is he so deluded into thinking she wouldn't want him romantically that HE'S thinking she sees the experiment as the only reason to do that stuff with him, so there's no way they could really be together in a romantic relationship? (I'm trying so hard to understand and give him credit here. I'm gonna have to reread chapter 20 again for what he says exactly because I feel so stupid.)

Eager to stop what looks like an imminent meltdown from Mikey, you step forward first and start piling food onto your plate. “It looks great, Mike,” you tell him, both out of honestly and also to get him to look at you and smile instead of glaring at his brothers.

Once again Vi is taking responsibility for preventing conflict/negative emotions between people she cares about.

You’re glad your back is turned on the way to the table when he says that, as none of the turtles see the way your face crumples just a little at the wave of emotion that grips you when he calls you family.

(Lonely lonely lonely) let me hug her!!!!

Leo calls her a pretty girl when he's on the phone with Donnie in her apartment. Once again, I love him SO MUCH for being loose with his compliments, because Vi deserves people who will make her feel good about herself, but also he's clearly riling Donnie up with comments like that - what way is there to read it other than Donnie liking Vi romantically and feeling possessive over her? Everything points to Donnie either just being dense about his own feelings or not fully understanding what a relationship IS if he really doesn't see them as in a relationship by chapter 20. Unless I'm so incredibly missing the point, which is always possible because I am, in fact, an oblivious idiot most of the time.

---

Chapter 11

("lbjean_87’s Insta profile" is a reference, I'm sure, but idk what exactly other than the "87" for the 87 tmnt cartoon)

The whole interaction with Barry where he says Vi is having a positive impact on the boys... and she's uncomfortable with the implication that she's doing something special, struggling with someone pointing it out, struggling to accept that she is a special person who positively impacts others...

Barry hums thoughtfully. “I see. It is not that you are self-depreciating. You are, in fact, just an idiot.”

Hm. Just pointing this out because I forgot about it. It's so ingrained for her to diminish what she does for others, and he sees that I think... but also. This line from Barry being in THIS chapter, where the whole misunderstanding STARTS.

“Why are you sorry?”

You exhale a sharp breath, running a frustrated hand through your hair. “I’m sorry he found out? That I didn’t keep our promise not to let anyone know? That he tried to hug you and you freaked out? That I haven’t been helping you with your touch thing as much as I’d hoped I was? I mean, fuck, pick one, dude.”

Again, she takes on so much responsibility and guilt. I'm SO interested in learning more about her relationship with Alopex (and any other trauma that may have contributed to all of these things I'm noticing that she does).

Okay nobody panic but I'm finally to The Point where they establish some things and set up for the bombshell.

“…Intimate touches,” you repeat, turning back to look at him once you’ve pulled yourself away from the brink of flying right out of your own skin. “Like… what, petting? Kissing? Sex? What are we talking about, exactly?”

“All of it, ideally,” he says. “I’m quite curious to study how I’ll react, especially considering the whole touch aversion situation.”

Curious how he'd react... oh my god. He doesn't say anything about a relationship at all. This is killing me. It's all focused on the experiment. I'm a fucking fool.

“…Do… Do you wanna try it?” you ask, a tiny glittering light threatening to bloom like a sun in your chest. “…Us, together, I mean?”

Okay yeah. "Us together" could just be read as "us doing those things together" rather than "us being together in a romantic relationship." Goddddd.

Giddy excitement spreads over his face unlike what you’ve seen before. “Really? With… With me?” he asks, and god, the sight of him so openly happy makes you fucking ascend.

So the first time, I read that as 'you're really open to dating me (and all the things that come with that)?' But now it's ONLY 'you're willing to do sex stuff with me/to help more with my touch thing and sate my curiosity?' SAD. DEVASTATED. EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED.

“Of course, I—” ... “Donnie, I… of course. I’d be stupid to say no, right?”

“Oh, that’s such a relief,” he says, closing his eyes and sighing into your palm. “I’ve been making spreadsheets of things I’ve wanted to try for several days and wondering how best to bring it up, especially considering—well. It’s quite helpful that you did so yourself. Excellent work, consultant.”

Fuck. FUCK. Consultant, he calls her. It really is still an experiment to him at this point. And the first time I thought it was just a cute tease, a bit of funny flirting, but it WASN'T. FUCK. Sam is a genius. I hate myself. He's focused on the spreadsheets and things he's been wanting to try for his touch aversion. He's giddy because of that, not because he's getting into an official relationship with her. (I still think he's in love with her and maybe just doesn't realize it fully, but holy God his words are actually focused on the experiment here.) What would he have said after "especially considering" if he hadn't cut himself off??? FUCK.

[Vi talking] "We’re partners, now, so we have to take care of each other."

Partners. Still worded to fit with the experiment mindset, so of course that wouldn't tip off Donnie. Fuck.

[Donnie talking] “I’d… like to keep this between the two of us as well, for now. To the confines of the lab. While we establish the parameters.” ... “I have no interest in keeping anything a secret. I only want to improve the quality of our partnership's results before sharing, nothing more."

Again, it's not named as a romantic relationship. He just calls it 'this' and a 'partnership' when he talks about their arrangement. (The clinical talk... 'improve quality of results before sharing.' Fuck. FUCK.)

Rereading the sexy stuff is fucking PAINFUL now. Oh my god.

“Don’t move,” he growls, making you freeze in place even as his brows furrow hard and his grip loosens almost immediately. “I—Sorry. Sorry, I—I don’t know where that came from.”

Stuff like this has me wondering again if he really doesn't understand what he's feeling with Vi. And that lack of understanding is reinforcing his focus on it being an Experiment, because he wants to understand how he's responding and why, to understand what he's feeling, and to do that he needs to gather and study data.

Donnie goes stiff when April calls and asks if Vi is with Leo. That's not the first time Donnie does something that indicates jealousy or possessiveness over Vi, but what if it's something else? It's only with Leo that I can remember, but I thought that was because Leo is the only one constantly hanging out with/touching/complimenting Vi, but what if it's something else regarding Leo? I really do not know what else it could be, but... I'm trying not to assume things anymore that aren't confirmed through dialog.

you sigh, turning your face into the pillow and inhaling deeply. It smells like Donnie, making your toes curl in delight. Pulling away, you look over to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, studying you. “…What are you doing?”

Yeah if they're not in a relationship it makes sense for him to react like that. (I'm so goddamn sad)

“You… promise you’ll tell me if you change your mind about this, right?”

“About… us?” you ask, and when he nods, you sit up, pressing your forehead to his. “Donnie, I—”

“—Promise?” he interrupts, making your mouth close.

“…Promise,” you tell him. And, since it’s clearly so important to him, “You promise? You’ll tell me?”

“I won’t change my mind,” he assures, making you shake your head. He sighs. “Yes. I promise.”

Hits different. God. I need to be in this fucker's head. I need his exact reasoning for thinking he won't change his mind. Is it curiosity regarding the outcome? Is it because he really likes her (and recognizes that)? I don't know!!

D - Just informing you that the nap did indeed take place.

V - i’m so glad!! thanks for letting me know

D - It would be a poor business exchange if I didn’t.

BUSINESS EXCHANGE. FUCK. I'M GOING TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC.

---

[Through tears] Chapter 12

Vi is so happy. So happy that she's helping Donnie with touch, Leo with sleep, Mikey with his hands (useful, useful, useful). So happy to be in a "relationship" with Donnie. She is so happy, and I am so, so sad.

Sinclair (I think it's Sinclair, Vi doesn't know/remember her name yet and I'm just a terrible with my memory) refers to a Ren. Renet, maybe?? 👀

You leave a little bit earlier than you usually do since you’re meeting Leo for lunch

YES there's a little bit of that positive influence on Vi bc of the boys! Leave practice early baby!!

Drinking with your neighbors, a boyfriend, lunch with your best friend… It feels like you’re cheating, a little. Like you’ve gotten something you don’t completely deserve.

[Clutching heart] that's a one-two punch. Vi calling Donnie her boyfriend in her head, and then Vi feeling like she didn't EARN the happiness she's feeling. OUCH.

Oh FUCK. The whole interaction with Leo in the kitchen. So many things. Leo's reaction to you confirming that you touch Donnie and that Donnie touches you. Vi doing that thing again where she digs her nails into her skin. Comparing Leo to a wolf and Vi to a rabbit (stop it blurple villain au, STOP IT, I'm trying to focus). I'm not gonna copy paste the entire section, but Leo's reaction is SO.... hang on

“Him wanting to put his hands all over you? Wanting to touch you? Mark you up? How far have you two gone, huh? Should I just pick a place on you and see if he’s touched that, too? Or is that another thing I’m not allowed to know?” ... “Why are you the one he—” Leo snarls

Is he really just that angry and bitter because Donnie hasn't let his family touch him in so long? Because Donnie hasn't let LEO touch him in so long? Because, relatively quickly, Vi has managed to push past that barrier when Leo couldn't? Or is he mad because it's intimate touches, specifically? Why exactly? Because Leo likes Vi? I don't think that's it, but again I'm trying not to assume or overlook things. Leo was playing matchmaker with them so hard toward the beginning, and now he reacts like this? What did he think was going to happen? Do you remember him asking Vi if she was single and saying she and Donnie were perfect for each other? Because I do. Did he want them together but assumed they wouldn't be touching no matter what since that's been Donnie's default mode for so long? I'm so dense I do not understand. LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. LEOOOOOOO.

Your back hits the wall behind you hard as you flinch away instinctively. ... Your arms have covered your face, your whole body quaking as you fight to make yourself as small as possible. ... when you don’t move, when you can’t speak ... taking in your terrified posture ... You close your eyes, feeling the tears continue to stream down your cheeks. Clenching your teeth, swallowing the adrenaline rushing in your veins screaming for you to stay still and not move ... He’s safe! you scream to yourself, trying to remember that it’s gospel. He’s safe! He’s safe! He’s safe! ... Sobs tear out of your lungs in massive heaving rolls that leave you shaking against him.

Is Vi's visceral reaction of fear ONLY due to Leo being Just That Scary? Or has she experienced physical violence from someone close to her before? She can stand her ground against asshole strangers that actually try to hurt her (for example, the guy from the coffee shop and guy in the park - or wherever it was, I don't remember and I'm not there yet, but it was when she fell in the water sticking up for Raph), chase after mutant silverfish with a music stand, react quickly to protect the kids when shots are fired, run to Dakota after the bomb goes off, etc. etc. And those were Real Dangerous Situations, too. The difference here is it's Leo. Her best friend. Someone she's close to, someone she trusts. When it's a person like that, she freezes in fucking terror... and remember the other times she's tried to step in when someone close to her starts getting angry? To soothe, to deescalate...

He’s safe. He’s your best friend. He’s family. He’s Leo, and the fact that even a tiny piece of you was afraid of him—it horrifies you. ... “I-I’m sorry, too. I-I didn’t mean to—I don’t know why I—I know you’d n-never—” “Instinct,” he cuts off clinically. Hollowly. “You were scared. I scared you.”

I think I'm looking too hard at this maybe. She's horrified that she was scared, and she says "I don't know why" she reacted like that, and if she'd experienced violence with someone close to her in the past surely she would've thought something about it, connected those dots in her mind at that point? I don't know. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what Sam reveals, if anything. Like I said, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

“…Donnie and I are dating,” you tell Leo, feeling him go rigid against you when you tell the secret that feels so stupid to keep if it means losing him. “I… I asked him out yesterday, and he said yes. But he wants to keep it quiet for a while, while we figure everything out, so…”

Pain. Pain and agony and suffering. She says this to Leo in no uncertain terms about what she means, whereas with Donnie it could have been taken a different way and apparently WAS. Fuck.

“He… he talked about missing hugs?” Leo echoes, sounding a little broken.

This Whole Thing hurts just as much the second time around. Ouch. Owie.

"I have no idea what’s safe to talk about with you people, so I just assume everything’s off limits until I hear otherwise!”

Again, she's so careful to respect boundaries.

[Leo] He tilts his head when you come inside, grinning at you and patting the ground between his legs as he spreads them and wiggles his feet like he thinks he’s adorable.

BECAUSE HE IS ADORABLE. DAMMIT. THIS IS A DONNIE FIC. I AM A DONNIE GIRL. STOP MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH LEO AS WELL. (/pos of course, ALL of this is positive, I promise)

“Don’t be mean to me, I’m just a little meow meow.”

FUUUUUCK I LOVE LEO SO MUCH STOPPPPPPPPPPPP

“…Don’t tell him,” Leo pleads quietly, making you pause where you were reaching out to grab your laptop. “Tell who what?” “Donnie. That I know. …Don’t tell him.”

Do you think Leo remembers saying this and feels guilty now? Do you think he wonders if you had been given the green light to tell Donnie that Leo knows you two are "dating" that maybe the whole miscommunication thing wouldn't have spiraled and gone on as long?

“Just kidding. You’re so gullible,” [Donnie says]

Just. Just putting this here. For the record. For future reference.

“…Does Leo do this to you?” he whispers, entranced. “…Does he make you have goosebumps, too?” His thumb finds the edge of your nipple through your bra and shirt,

God. Hits different. He's actually fucking yearning here isn't he. Yearning for her and not even realizing he has her?? Again, does he think this is something friends just do? Was he wondering if Leo touches you intimately, as well??

(The kissing is so fucking hot. A wordsmith as always, Jesus CHRIST, Sam. But also reading it with the constant voice in the back of my head saying "he doesn't see them as dating" over and over and over IS SO. I don't have a word for it but it's killing me.)

[Donnie, after you stop kissing] “Sorry. I suppose I did, uh. Get a little over-eager there.”

the silent promise you made to one turtle versus the explicit one you made to another and how they stand at odds with the other.

^So many lines now are hitting me differently. God.

[Donnie talking about Leo sleeping on Vi and therefore making her smell like Leo] “I really don’t—I’m starting think he does it on purpose to irritate me, specifically.”

So if Donnie doesn't see them as together, doesn't see Vi as his... what does he mean here? Does he recognize that he feels possessive but doesn't fully understand why? Or does he really just not like the way Leo smells???

Donnie talking about how he smells that she's aroused, admitting that he is aroused... taking about it so matter-of-factly. He's separating romantic and sexual feelings so completely in a way that Vi doesn't, in a way that the reader wouldn't. (Is that the whole point that I'm missing here? That he DOES separate sexual and romantic relationships so CLEARLY in his mind? And that's why he can yearn for her, think he doesn't have her even while they're fucking and spending so much time together and doing things that couples DO?)

Donnie referring to the Third Law as the reason that he gets to learn how to make her feel good... almost like that's his sole reason or like that's his excuse for doing so...

“…I’m not particularly interested in my brothers smelling you like this,” he mutters

Because it would cause a stir? Because he wants the experiment to continue without outside influence? Because he simply doesn't want them to know his business? Because he knows she would be embarrassed? LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. YOU AND LEO BOTH ARE KILLING ME.

---

Chapter 13

Goddammit I lost my notes for this chapter and had to try and remember what I had already written TWICE because I'm a mobile user who is also an idiot. Anyway.

The beginning of my notes for this chapter was mostly me gushing about how much it made me smile. It's the one where Vi gets sick and goes to the store to get cat food for the neighbor. (Basically - I love Vi, I love the boys, I love the group chat.)

When the neighbor gets mutated, Vi pushes Leo out of the way so that she is the one pounced on instead of Leo. There was no real danger, but she didn't know that when she reacted. It kills me that in her delirious, can barely think straight, actually thinks she's hallucinating state, her instinct is to take the hit for Leo. (Better me than you, you're more important, I can be useful, I'm useful, useful, use me use me use me FUCK)

So many lines hit different with Donnie... she's sick and going to sleep in his room, and them interacting alone here (with my knowledge of chapter 20) makes my chest ache.

She says she missed him -> For some reason, he laughs a little at that. “Is that so? What prompted the thought?”

Her shirt is all sweaty and he tells her to just take it off, but then -> “I’m curious to see if my body temperature will help with your fever.”

They're in his bed, lying together, and she kisses him -> “D-Don’t do that here,” he stutters, sounding a little like it’s a significant effort to tell you. “I don’t want to start something we aren’t—aren’t planning on—”

A little later -> “…I want to…” he trails off in a breathless tone, pressing into your throat a little harder than usual. ... “Wanna what?” you ask, prompting him to shake his head. “It’s nothing. Get some rest. I’ll be here until you fall asleep.”

I'm in so much fucking pain.

Vi goes to the library for books on PTSD to help the fam. She spends time reading and taking notes and just. God. She's such a good friend. (Use me. I need to earn this love. I need to be good and useful.)

Leo has his insomnia. (He has something else, you know, you just know, but until he decides to do his little secret-spilling venture he told you you were due, you’re in the dark on that.)

Is this something we might find out about during their talk on Saturday??? I hope so.

You don’t know anything about Raph, you mourn, underlining his name twice on your notepad in a bit of self-loathing. So much for him being family, you think sourly.

It's hardly her fault, but again she's putting it on herself.

At the end of the chapter, she wakes up to realize that Leo saw the evidence of her reading those books and taking notes and working to make herself more helpful (USEFUL) in her free time. He knows how hard she's trying to help. So you think he feels guilty over that, too, now? Again, all she does is give give give, and even when she does allow herself to take she feels that need to earn it, that need to be worthy of it.

---

Chapter 14

DAKOTA APPEARS. LIGHT OF MY LIFE. DARLING GIRL YOU DESERVE THE WORLD I LOVE YOU.

Yeah there it is! The confrontation with the guy in the park. Raph is so right to be worried because she IS going to get hurt if she keeps this up.

[Raph talking] "you can’t be stupid like that,” he says, making you flinch.

Time for me to Read Too Much Into Things again. I've noticed, even before chapter 20 when it gets really really bad, she often refers to herself as stupid or uses stupid as an adjective when describing what she's doing. Her flinching when Raph uses that word specifically has me wondering if that word was used against her a lot in the past (by Alopex maybe?) or if she's always had A Thing about thinking she's stupid.

Raph gives you a small crooked smile. “Well, it sure made him mad thinkin’ you was my girl. So maybe you should just start datin’ a mutant real open-like.”

You give a wet laugh, rubbing at your eyes hard. If only he knew. “Yeah. That… That sounds like something I’d like.”

Hey what's up I'm CRYING

(Also, once again, every time Vi refers to Donnie as her boyfriend in her head, I suffer)

[Leo talking about Vi having no self-preservation instincts] “Oh yeah? Looks to me like you wouldn’t know fear if it—” he starts, only for his jaw to clamp shut and a stricken look to cross his face.

I know this is him remembering when he scared Vi in her kitchen, but JUST IN CASE their talk on Saturday reveals anything I'm keeping this here for my own future reference.

Not helping the desire is that he’s wearing those fucking sweatpants again. If he were any kind of perceptive, you’d wonder if he didn’t know exactly what he was doing when he put those things on his ass

First of all, SWEATPANTELLO SJSJZBAKXH. Second of all, "if he were any kind of perceptive" has me eating through the drywall.

Oh my god. When Donnie brings up what happened in the park, he just says he made her a new phone and then "There was mud all over the processing board, which, speaking of, I hope you weren’t injured?” I'm getting a little bit of whiplash here. He was so angry over the bruise she got, but with this his reaction is less intense. And I'm remembering after one of the attacks with Dakota that his reaction wasn't as intense as I expected, either. But then with the guy on their aquarium "date" the reaction was WAY more intense. Hm. I almost need to look at those instances side by side once more after I catch up to 20 on this reread.

Also idk why this popped into my head just now, but I'm wondering if something happened between Leo and Donnie in the past. Something more than just the fact that Donnie doesn't let Leo (or the rest of the fam) touch him. There are so many times where Leo like... gives Donnie a blank/weird look or reacts a certain way when Vi talks about Donnie or even riles Donnie up by making Vi smell like him, making little comments about her being pretty or him being her favorite or whatever... a bunch of things that COULD just be Leo being a little shit but could also be something more (something like Leo liking Vi, sure, but I really don't think so??? More and more I wonder if it could be something that's related to an incident in the past between the twins??). God I cannot WAIT for Leo and Vi to talk on Saturday.

Vi says she doesn't talk to her family anymore because they're so anti-mutant and they had a huge falling out. I'm still wondering if there was some kind of abuse she suffered from her family, as well, even if she doesn't recognize it as having been abuse. (Racist family members being cruel to you hits close to home, I'm almost certainly projecting.)

“A mutant? You?” Donnie gapes, looking shocked. “You dated a mutant?”

You bark out an incredulous laugh. “How are you surprised by this?”

YEP. SAM IS RIGHT. HITS FUCKING DIFFERENT. GOD.

You haven’t thought about Alopex in years; it’s odd, now, how you finally feel able to do so without pain.

Ooooh boy. I CANNOT WAIT to find out more about the past relationship with Alopex. And if I recall correctly Sam has said Alopex will make an appearance and I am SO EXCITED.

[Vi talking] "I have a family again, and I have you. That’s all I need.”

Donnie frowns, but whatever machinations are in his head are tabled when instead he just sighs

She makes that distinction here between the fam and Donnie. Specifically says "I have you" and he frowns. During my first read I thought he was frowning at the whole estranged family/Alopex breakup thing. Now I'm wondering what he thought about that comment "I have you."

Engage alarm 16-44-SD - I wonder what the significance of the numbers and letters are. Do you think we'll find out?

[Vi asks Donnie to cuddle and they're getting situated on the cot] “What are your goals for this evening?” he asks, using his hand to glide along your jaw, cupping your nape to turn your face to his.

“With you?” you ask to clarify, and when he nods, you hum. “Don’t really have any. Just want to feel good with you.”

Donnie studies you for a moment

Fuck. FUCK. "What are your goals" I'm pacing like a madman. WHAT IS HE THINKING WHEN HE STUDIES HER AFTER HER RESPONSE. FUCK.

“…Actually, I changed my mind. I wanna kiss you again.”

Donnie’s smirk is a little lazy. “That was quick. I was expecting to have to work on you a bit longer for that.”

“Yeah, well, I’m easy for you. Sue me,” you tell him ... “That you are,” he agrees ... “…Want to feel good,” he murmurs against your mouth, repeating your request of him like he’s contemplating it, still. When you nod, he dips down, his second kiss a bit more

This Whole fucking interaction. My heart is shredded. Him thinking about her saying she wants to feel good, taking that as her saying the 'goal' of today's 'session' is that and then having her come using his thigh so they can achieve that 'session goal' and collect data.

[Asking if she's sure he has to touch somewhere first before she'll touch him there] “Though I suppose it’s fine. Just more data. And I’m hardly opposed to making you feel good first.”

JUST MORE DATA he says

[Donnie tells you to take off the clothes Leo lent you] Vi - “Donnie, I’m not wearing anything under this.”

“…Okay?” he says, looking at you like he doesn’t understand the problem.

This is SO. I JUST. FUCK. Sex and nude intimacy is all part of the project. Why WOULD it be a big deal? They agreed that the experiment would include kissing, petting, sex, etc. There's no feelings involved, it's just necessary for the session, for the data. I'm Unwell.

(The sexy stuff is, once again, SO HOT but SO PAINFUL to read)

[After she comes using his thigh] “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna remember that for a long, long time. Until you one up yourself, of course.”

“A good scientist is always seeking to extract better results from his subject matter,” Donnie agrees.

SUBJECT MATTER. I'M LAYING DOWN ON THE TRAIN TRACKS. AND THEN IN HER MIND SHE REFERS TO HIM ONCE AGAIN AS HER BOYFRIEND. WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN TRAIN. I'M WAITING.

I wonder if Sam was writing this and smirking evilly the entire fucking time. Evil. EVIL. EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL E-

---

Chapter 15

SINCLAIR'S NAME IS JUNE. FUCK I FORGOT LMAO I'm just as bad as Vi

Vi making cookies again for the 4th of July party. Then in the shower, talking to Leo about it.

“I was thinking I’d make enough cookies for you guys to have left over, since I know you like ‘em a lot. Plus I feel like I kind of owe Raph for the whole, uh, making him fish me out of the pond thing.”

Leo doesn’t answer, you think, though you might have missed it as you duck your head under the water to get rid of the shampoo.

I was so distracted by blurple symphony au thoughts the first time I read this, but now I'm just thinking about how she worded that.

“I was thinking I’d bring him [Raph] by some bread later, too. I know we kind of worked it all out, but I’d feel better if I really had a good apology. He was pretty upset. And Donnie, too. I need to make him something. Not that he, uh, did anything. But the thought was there, I guess."

Once again, she feels the need to DO something for others. As an apology, as appreciation. Thoughtful to the point of making me worry.

(Also, I wonder if the talk with Leo on Saturday will shed light on what he was doing/thinking here while she was showering)

“Glad to be of service,” you laugh

YEAH. YOU ALWAYS ARE.

[Vi says she'll try to get Donnie to come to the party] Casey stares at you with eyes that see a little too far into your soul for your liking, but then he pulls them back and laughs like he didn’t just sear your bones. “Well, if anyone could, I bet it’d be you.”

:) pain

“He’s got me on security protocol 27-L-Alpha, but family’s allowed through on that one, so you can go ahead in,” Shelldon says

Again, I wonder about the significance of the numbers and letters. Also, FAMILY IS ALLOWED THROUGH. So Donnie sees her as family? I need to be inside his head.

She gets him to go to the party and he says she'll owe him. Is that the only reason he agrees? Because then she owes him something? Is he just hungry? Is he soft for her without realizing?

When the yokai is flirting with Vi at the party, WHAT is Donnie thinking? I must know. Vi looks at Donnie and thinks that he's 'too traumatized, probably by those fucking brain aliens, to fish you out.' If Donnie thought they were dating, would he have stepped in?

Leo hooks his head onto your shoulder, nuzzling his beak into your throat and humming like he does when it’s just the two of you. ... his fingers fluttering on your stomach as his eyes cut off to the side. He has a sharp look to his features that you’re a bit too drunk to dissect, so you just ignore it.

I'm squinting so hard at this. This is at the party in front of everyone, but it's GOTTA be another attempt at riling Donnie up, right? UGH

(GOD. DONNIE PULLING YOU INTO HIS ROOM. STICKING HIS FINGERS INTO YOUR MOUTH. GOD. FUCK. JESUS HOLY HELL I'M ON FIRE.)

“Gonna kill him,” Donnie growls against your skin

Is he talking about Leo? WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH, HUH DONNIE? Seriously, did something fucking happen between him and Leo in the past that's related to all this? Or is this just Donnie being jealous and possessive over Vi despite them just being "partners" for the project??

He grabs your chin, holding your face to his, and you open your damp eyes to see that he’s staring at you, cataloging your every move.

Data collection. I know I'm repeating myself here, but this is so so painful to read.

Pulling away, Donnie groans, his forehead finding your shoulder. “Fuck. I can’t believe I did that. I’m sorry,” he says, causing you to laugh. You sink your fingers into his nape, stroking long lines against worried flesh.

“How are you apologizing right now? That was incredible,” you promise.

“It—It was outside the bounds of our agreement. We both stated that my lab was the only place where we’d—” he starts

:( that's all I can say. Just. :(

"I’m going to go to my lab and make sure this obnoxious music didn’t ruin anything.”

OH MY GOD. THE RECORDINGS. HIM GOING TO THE LAB TO REVIEW THE DATA FOR THE PROJECT. HOW DID I COMPLETELY SKIP OVER THIS LINE THE FIRST TIME.

Vi asks for one last kiss and then -> “…You’re getting good at that,” you murmur against his mouth when he pulls away, opening your eyes to see him staring at you with lustrous eyes.

“Third Law,” he says

Third Law. Something I want (your help with this project) for something you want (to feel good). Fuck. FUCK.

You turn your head, seeing that he has something to say on the tip of his tongue, but he shakes it off, looking off to the side.

“…Text me when you get home,” he says instead, making you smile and nod.

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY. WILL WE EVER FIND OUT? I'M FERAL.

Vi tells Mikey she and Donnie are dating. Once again it's explicit when she tells others but not when she's with Donnie. Kill me. Kill me.

Again, Vi worrying so much about the boys. Wishing she could help more. Sigh.

“…Yeah. Pretty,” he [Leo] agrees, voice quiet. ... you feel a beak nuzzle gently into your hair, inhaling softly to find your scent, before he goes carefully, painfully still; and just before you finally drift off to sleep on his shoulder, you imagine, you think, the sound of creaking wood beneath a tight, gripping fist.

Once again the first time I read this as Leo maybe liking Vi or being upset that Donnie touches her when he hasn't been able to touch his brother in so long, but... Does Leo... does Leo know that Donnie doesn't see their partnership as romantic? Does he KNOW?? Is he letting this go on because it's helping Donnie and he wants his brother to get better???? HANG ON. HANG ON. IT BETTER NOT BE. IT BETTER FUCKING NOT. PLEASE TELL ME I'M WRONG. Is this Leo realizing that the partnership has become sexual and that this is so much worse for Vi than he thought? MY HEART IS BEATING OUT OF MY CHEST. (I'm wrong. I have to be wrong. I have to be reading too much into it, right? Please tell me I'm wrong I'm on the verge of tears.)

---

Chapter 16

Sinclair recovers quickly, waving her hand. “Yo. Introduce us to the cutie?”

“C-Cutie?” Raph repeats, flustering quickly.

Sinclair (June?) has a girlfriend I know but this little interaction makes me wish Raph could get someone, you know? I wish all the boys could get someone (if they want someone, that is). I want them all to be happy so badly :(

Also Sinclair's girlfriend is a mutant. Are we gonna meet her?

You dig your nails into your biceps hard.

I worry. I fucking WORRY.

First mention of Scheherazade - oh my god. Forever sobbing.

Leo hasn't texted you today.

DOES HE FEEL GUILTY?

Sinclair calling Vi her friend :') getting her number :') I love her

Vi is so anxious over the thought of Leo being upset with her. And then there's a line when she goes to the lair to see him - hoping you’re not being too overbearing - that has me once again wondering if she had past experiences where someone got upset and reacted badly and blamed her, or maybe if she just internalized the bad reaction as her fault and now she's always scrambling to soothe and fix? Thinking of how toxic relationships can have that affect on people, you know?

He isn’t Alopex, you remind yourself. It’s cruel to impose upon him the damaged expectations from the last relationship you’d had. Cruel to yourself, seeing darkness where there isn’t any to be found. You’re letting old insecurities seep in, you think, feeling your eyes burn a little.

Yeah, this. I wonder if we'll find out about the exact details of everything that happened? I think we will, and I'm excited.

[Leo talking] “I’ve just been… tired. Thinking about things. About what I want.”

Tilting your head, you ask. “…What you want?”

Leo nods, bringing your hand to his mouth to brush a kiss to your knuckles, staring at them as he brings your hand to his lap. “I’m. I’m still thinking about it. If I promise to tell you, can you give me time?”

If I'm right. And I pray that I'm wrong. But. If I'm right. He's thinking about what's more important to him, about what he wants more - truly being a good friend to you vs. using you to help Donnie with his touch thing even though he knows what's really going on, even though he knows you think something else is happening when it's not. (If I'm right... he's using her. He's using her, after seeing how lonely she was, how willing she is to help, how desperate she is to be useful, manipulating that, taking advantage of that. Please God let me be wrong.)

Upstairs, you find Donnie sitting in front of his wall of computer screens, each plastered with an ocean of diagrams and spreadsheets. Deep in thought ... “Oh, good. I was just thinking about you,” he says

He's looking at the spreadsheets for the project. Of course he'd be thinking of her. Sobbing. Screaming. I hate myself.

[Donnie smells Leo on Vi] "Really pisses me off,” he grumbles

Again, why does it make him mad that Vi smells like Leo?

“Hm. I promised you a lesson on my anatomy. Considering I explored your genitalia, unintentional though the moment was, that does, as per our arrangement, clear you to touch mine.”

Arrangement. ARRANGEMENT. And the clinical discussion, of course. Naturally. No feelings, just a project, all part of the experiment.

“Experiential learning. Excellent. I knew you were the one.”

The one. The one to choose as his partner on the project. Goddammit.

(God. The smut. It's so hot. I'm swimming in lava.)

“All right. Take off your pants and lie down. My turn.”

Startled, you just blink at him for a moment. “W-What?”

“Third Law. And I want to taste you. See if it’s different from mine. I’m very curious about the tactile nature, since it was quite pleasant on my fingers. Plus, you didn’t come. I’m not a barbarian. Now, chop chop.”

Third Law. You did this so now I do that. It's a transaction. And he's curious about the taste and feel compared to his own. Data data data.

“…Very, very pleasant,” he murmurs to himself more than to you,

Data. Notes. For his own future reference. Fuck.

“Only the best for my favorite turtle,” you promise, laughing and pulling away, spinning in place with your arms spread wide. “Now. Shall we work on the Turtolin while waiting for the smell of sex to dissipate? I’d rather not scar poor Leo if I can help it.”

Donnie looks like he’s contemplating something hard, but he pushes it away and nods.

What is he thinking here? Does it have anything to do with Leo? Or the favorite turtle line?? UGH

[Vi sends Donnie a pic of her in the bath with the bath bomb he gave her and he calls] “Good girl,” he says easily, making your skin burn hot. “Now, I’m going to put you on speaker and listen as you make yourself come.”

Jaw dropping, you stutter, “R-Right now?”

Donnie hums. “Then send me another. One before. One after.”

You hear the soft click of him putting his phone down, and the familiar sound of him fiddling with his tech. ... “I’m waiting,” you hear him say.

This is SO PAINFUL now. FUCK.

---

Chapter 17

(My notes after this point include knowledge of chapter 22 aka the chapter that made me physically ill)

You find him [Donnie], as you expect, pouring over some spreadsheets.

The spreadsheets again :(

[Vi talking to Raph and Mikey about Donnie] "You wouldn’t expect it. But he’s—he’s so kind. Always thinking about how he can help others, always looking to make their lives easier. It’s—It’s really admirable. I respect him a lot.”

Vi you're literally describing yourself.

“You had a problem. I solved it,” he says, like it’s that simple. And you suppose, in a way, it is. He just… doesn’t see it as his love language, even though it so, so clearly is.

I feel like this is a nod towards Donnie actually being in love with Vi but not realizing it.

So. Leo shows up during turtle time.

“Actually, perfect timing,” Leo says, coming up to you and pulling you into a hug. “I have a present for you.” ... “Yep. C’mon, I’ll portal you back to your place so I can give it to you,” he says, making you look at Donnie, concerned he’s about to crack a tooth.

Even though we know he's not doing these things to be manipulative anymore (assuming we can actually trust that he was being honest about when he 'stopped completely'), it's still tainted, especially since it's in front of Donnie. The casual physical touches, calling her "hermosa." Not only am I reading this and feeling so fucking betrayed, but I'm ALSO sad because he's started feeling guilty and really truly seeing her as his best friend now (if, again, we believe his claims in 22), and the torment he must be going through, despite it being so, so deserved, makes me sad. Actually, sad isn't the right word for it, but the right word escapes me. Whatever it is that I'm feeling about this is gaping and tender and intense.

“The truth,” he says, taking the picture from you and putting it on the coffee table. “About us. About everything.”

Not about everything, Leo. Not yet. (I think the word I'm looking for is agony. I'm not just sad. I'm in agony.)

[Vi talking to Leo] "So I just tucked it into one of those Leo will explain this someday pile.”

He stares at you for a second, then gets a melancholic smile on his face. “Yeah. That pile’s probably a lot bigger than it should be. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I told you before. It’s okay if you’re not ready to spill your guts,” you remind him.

“That was true then. But now, you’re—” he stops himself, looking at you hard, his eyes unmoored on your face. “…It’s different. Now.”

OOF. FUCKING. FUCK.

[Leo talking about the invasion] "Then one day, I—I fucked up really bad. I didn’t even know how bad, but I—” His voice chokes, grip on you going tight. He looks at you, eyes a little wild, and you nod.

THIS IS A PARALLEL TO HIM FUCKING UP WITH VI. NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW BAD HE FUCKED UP UNTIL AFTER THE FACT.

And every time Vi responds so fucking kindly to something Leo says or does... at this point he's truly wracked with guilt. Every kind thing she does is another reminder of how badly he fucked up, another twist of the knife that he unknowingly lodged between his own ribs. For example: Leo stares, soaking you up like you’re water and he’s cracked earth; then, taking in a haggard breath, he continues.

And then Leo asks Vi to help Casey like she helped him and his brothers. And even here, when he's being genuine, that ask is tainted, tainted, tainted by his history of using her for his own desires.

“Thanks,” he says, true and honest in a manner that oh, this entire time, you haven’t really seen.

God. GOD.

Vi asking Donnie about the aquarium... she doesn't use the word date. I wonder, if she did, would he have locked

There are going to be a lot of moments like that in your near future, you’re guessing, taking a long sip of water and staring at your reflection in the blank screen of the television. Little pieces you’ve seen, little hints of darkness you’re going to understand now.

Vi is referring to the fact that she knows about Casey being from the future and stuff, but this is mirroring what I'm doing. Finding little hints of darkness in Leo on my reread. God. Kill me.

---

Chapter 18

Vi gushing about Donnie to Sinclair :( and this line specifically -> "He just… gives and gives and gives.” THAT'S YOU, VI. YOU'RE SO ALIKE.

"He’s—brutally honest, but in a way that makes it impossible to doubt any compliment he gives."

Meanwhile LEO-

(I can barely focus. My heart aches so much. I keep having to reread the same paragraph over and over because I keep thinking about Leo. I really do feel so goddamn betrayed. How can Vi go on? How is she going to fucking... I've said it already but if it were me I would spiral really really bad. I was already worried about her before chapter 22. And now... I don't think Sam would do what I'm thinking of because surely there would be tags indicating that already due to their triggering nature, but I just know if it were me... I won't say it.)

Do you think, now that Donnie knows about the miscommunication, he'll go back and review their texts and his recordings to search for hints that he might've missed? Do you think he'll find something and think 'stupid, stupid, you should've seen it then, it was right there all along' like Vi did when she first realized?

I'm realizing, once again, how often Vi uses the adjective "stupid" to describe so many of her thoughts and actions. And I'm wondering, once again, how far back that habit runs. Whether it's always been there or if it started when she was with Alopex.

Oh man... when Vi gets ready for the aquarium... no. She doesn't think "I look nice" or anything. When she sees Donnie, she tells him he looks nice. Like a model, even. And he doesn't say anything about how she looks. I remember being a bit disappointed the first time I read and just assuming that he was too embarrassed or shy or something to comment on how she looked, but no. I'm a fool.

The alligators are so fucking cute, which he finds absolutely absurd.

“I like their faces, I dunno,” you say with a shrug. “Look at those little snouts! Don’t you just wanna… smooch one?”

“No, I can definitely say that I do not,” Donnie drones. “And I’m pretty concerned that you do.”

“I mean, soft shelled turtles are pretty aggressive biters too, right?” you point out, tilting your head and looking at him a little coyly. “Seems to me you don’t mind me kissing one of those all the time.”

Huffing, Donnie turns his face with a flustered scowl. “Th-That’s different!”

Just putting this section here. Just pointing out how he responds. I'm just casually in agony, right now.

[Vi talking after Donnie asks for permission to kiss her outside of the lab] "Okay. Well. Consider this my blank check of consent to any and all kissing. Inside the lab, outside of it, no matter how many people are around.”

“Hm. Well. Too many people will probably ruin the results. But I’ll take it under consideration,” he says.

Another comment that I saw as referring to the experiment, yes, but that I also thought was him flirting. Me putting meaning into his words that isn't there. Fuck.

his mouth claiming you like you aren’t already all his

Because she's not. She not his. Kill me.

When they run into the old standmate, Donnie gets so fucking mad that the guy insulted Vi. Another thing that I interpreted as romantic that wasn't.

“I’m—not particularly sure how to do this [have sex] with our current arrangement,” he says breathlessly

Damn. Even the first time they have sex, he tried checking in, tried to honor the rule she set, referred to it as their "arrangement" and everything... he truly did nothing wrong. What a massive misunderstanding. This continues to blow my mind. Damn.

She calls him cute once again, and he doesn't say anything like that back.

(The sex is so FUCKING HOT GOOD GOD)

He asks her to stay. And she does. And she's realizing she's in love with him. And I'm so, so sad.

---

Chapter 19

[Vi talking to Casey about Leo] "He’s a really good friend. I feel lucky to know him,” you tell him

Every single line where Leo is referred to as her friend has the rage flaring in my chest again.

Oh my god. I've been interested in how the brothers are going to react if/when they find out what Leo admitted (especially Donnie, obviously), but... what is CASEY going to think? He admires Leo so much. Oh my god. Oh my GOD.

man hadn’t that morning sex the other day been something else? Let’s try it again and see if we can replicate it. So your Wednesday is even lazier than usual with just the one lesson after a long morning of Donnie seemingly testing just how well sound-proofed his lab is, or maybe how loud he can get you to whine his name when you come, you’re not really sure which.

Replicate. Test. Kill me kill me kill me

The first shot cracks through the air and makes your ears ring. Without thinking, you move. Your hands clutch Dakota’s shirt, throwing her off the stage to the pit where the gunman won’t have a clear view. A second shot goes off. Before she hits the floor, you’re moving, tackling the other three to the floor underneath you. A third shot.

Again, her instincts are to protect others first.

you see Raph pinning the guy to the floor, a look on his face like you’ve never seen before.

Actually, you realize; no. You have seen it. Once. In your kitchen. From Leonardo to you.

Rage.

FUCK. KILL ME.

(DAKOTA. MY FUCKING HEART. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK AND REREAD ALL THE DAKOTA PARTS AT SOME POINT WHEN WHATEVER SAM HAS PLANNED FOR HER HAPPENS/IS REVEALED.)

Even after almost being shot she wants to rehearse. Be productive. Sigh.

You’re a little surprised to feel that your hands feel jittery at the ends of your arms, a bit like you have too much energy inside still. Your hold on your bow is a little wonky, too.

WHAT YOU JUST EXPERIENCED WAS TRAUMATIZING. WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED. WHY DO YOU NOT SEE- HOW ARE YOU SO- Sorry I'm just. So protective of her. So frustrated that she doesn't care about herself like she should. She's in shock, huh? I'm being too harsh. I'm just so fucking angry because of how GOOD she is to others and how Leo fucking USED that. I can't fucking take it.

She's shaken up after being shot at... on the subway, looking forward to going to the lair -> Gazing past your reflection in the subway window, you watch the lights flash past in little warm blurs, and seek comfort in the knowledge that soon you’ll be with people who love you.

People who love you. Like Leo and Donnie. Pain pain pain. And when she finds Leo sleeping in his room, her softness for him, her fondness and affection... It hurts. It hurts.

She finds Donnie in his lab. I remember thinking it was weird he didn't react more strongly to the fact that she was literally shot at. He just says “I heard you had a fun afternoon,” and that's it. Honestly it still surprises me. I feel like we have seen him be protective over her for lesser incidents... remember the bruise? Remember the standmate? Why, I wonder, did he not react more strongly here? Is it because she wasn't actually shot?

He eases the tension headache she didn't even realize she had. (Vi, once again not realizing how affected she was. This mirrors her not realizing she was sick before, too.)

Turning your head when he slowly releases you, you see an ocean of spreadsheets in front of you that instantly has you looking away in disinterest before you can read a single word.

I hate myself so much. What would she have seen, what would she have realized, if she looked a little bit closer?

“…No, I just… smelled you,” Leo says blankly, looking between you and where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around you, and you think—oh. He’s known this whole time, of course, that Donnie touches you; but this is maybe the first time he’s seen it. “You’re… really touching her.”

“I was under the impression you knew about it,” Donnie says, dropping his chin on your shoulder and raising a brow ridge at his twin.

“…I did,” Leo agrees, though his face is still as stone. His eyes focus on where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around your middle, and for some reason, the intensity of it makes you want to wiggle away and get out of Donnie’s grasp. ... Leo, eyes focused on where Donnie’s beak is tucked into your throat ... “I like it,” Leo says, staring at Donnie.

God. Leo. Still wrestling with his anger and jealousy, trying to be happy about it, but still struggling so much.

The Scheherazade story kind of mimics Leo and Vi. Scheherazade won the kings love over time, while Vi won Leo's true affection and friendship over time. Hm.

[Vi goes] to stand out of Donnie’s lap, only to turn to him and raise an eyebrow when he petulantly keeps you pinned to his plastron, his eyes dark and pouty on his twin. “…Donnie.” ... You bat your eyelashes cutely at Leo, who gets a smug look on his face as he stretches out a hand to the side. His crescents glow prettily, and with a curl of his fingers, he has a sword in his hand to cut a portal. “One ride on the turtle express for mi tesorito.”

“Turtle ex—?!” Donnie chokes, his fingers going tight in your flesh, his teeth pulling into a snarl. It hurts a little, and you’re kind of mortified when the squeak you make is maybe a little more sensual than it probably should be. Feeling your cheeks flare hot, you press your palms to Donnie’s shoulders, giving him a meaningful look.

“I can come back tomorrow,” you say with gritted teeth, increasingly miffed when he just shoots a glum look to his twin.

Once again, even if Leo is being genuine, this is all tainted, and it fucking hurts to read every interaction they have, especially in front of Donnie. But I also noticed another layer here. Vi is trying to behave as though she and Donnie aren't dating because Leo is there and as far as Donnie is aware (in her mind) Leo knows they touch but doesn't know they're together. Meanwhile things that seem romantic to her are NOT romantic to Donnie, so he's being clingy and she is a little annoyed/confused, because she's thinking 'doesn't Donnie know this is suspicious??' But NO. HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. AT ALL.

“Fine, fine,” he [Donnie] says petulantly, removing his arms from your waist.

“Good boy,” Leo says with a widening smirk, squawking when you reach out and flick his beak.

“And you. I don’t know what your game is, but stop terrorizing him,” you tell him, watching as he rubs his palm over the offended flesh.

“Me? Terrorizing Donatello?”

“Leonardo.”

This is after Leo supposedly 'stopped completely' and yet.

“He [Casey] has a lot of secrets he’s keeping,” Leo says, softening. “They’re a heavy load. I don’t know how he does it.”

Secrets can be a heavy load, huh Leo? You FUCKING-

Leo sighs, grabbing his katana and cutting another portal back to the lair. Before he leaves, however, he beckons you close. Reluctantly, feeling a bit embarrassed and hoping your lingering arousal isn’t too obvious, you go; only to blink when he reaches out a hand and grabs your chin, bringing your face close to his as his eyes drop to your mouth.

“…Yep. Thought so. Doesn’t take much to get you going, huh,” he says knowingly

Get your fucking hands off of her and shut your goddamn mouth. I'm so angry. I'm so fucking angry. I've never been this angry in my life. Yes he feels bad. Yes he's suffering now, yes he's going to get consequences that fucking hurt him. But I don't even fucking care right now because I'm so, so angry. What is everyone else going to say? Will Leo even tell them?? I don't know if Vi would tell the fam what Leo did, because she doesn't like causing conflict. But someone needs to tell them. God. What is Donnie going to do, knowing that she's already distraught because of their miscommunication?

Vi talking to Casey, getting him to open up about the future. Taking responsibility for helping him. Even though it's upsetting. Yes, that's what real, good friends do, but it's just another example of her giving, giving, giving. How deeply she cares, how sincerely she loves those in her life, how she would willingly burn herself up for the people she loves to keep them warm. And the fact that she's taking on this burden after LEO had asked her to...

(The lavender mask thing hurts just as much the second time. Ouch.)

[Casey talking] “Apparently, you always were able to get him to do things. I remember Master Leonardo making a comment about it once when he was trying to get Uncle Tello to do something. You’d do it for her, or something.”

You wince. That couldn’t have gone over well.

I can only imagine future Leo saying that with bitterness. Was there jealousy in the other timeline, too? It's easy to imagine since we know what Leo is capable of, now. Easy to imagine a future Leo, run down and exhausted and bearing so much responsibility for the resistance and guilt over the apocalypse, letting it all build and build and build, letting it get to him after Vi's death, even if he loved her too, even if he was grieving too, and being so angry over Donnie refusing to do something, and losing his cool. 'You'd do it for her. Why won't you do it for me?'

I wonder how Donnie would have reacted if Vi HAD told him about what happened with future them. About the lavender mask.

[Vi's bath water] It’s hot when you get in; too hot, maybe. But the burn feels a little good. Tethers you into place where otherwise you worry you’d drift away to a future that isn’t yours.

See, again, this worries me. Using pain as a grounding technique, almost. This is pretty innocent, but it hints at the POTENTIAL for going further with this kind of stuff. I do nothing but seethe and worry.

---

Chapter 20

Finally made it all the way here. Sigh. Let's read.

you find yourself drifting off at random moments, haunted by memories that aren’t even yours ... for some reason, you spend most of Friday night sobbing into your pillow ... you spend the morning in your bed, curled around your pillow and staring numbly at the wall ... you’re avoiding Donnie

Vi takes the knowledge Casey gave her so hard. Evidence, once again, of how deeply she cares, how strongly she loves, but I can't help but remember that LEO asked her to help Casey. And she honestly probably would've ended up doing it anyway at some point, even if Leo didn't explicitly ask her to, because that's just how she is and Casey is part of the family and she wants to help... but I can't help pairing her emotional turmoil with the fact that LEO asked her to take that on.

“Donnie said you wasn’t feelin’ good, but you look like shit,” he says, causing you to shoot him a wry smile.

“Thanks, Raph. I feel so beautiful now.”

Raph shoots you a meaningful look. “I think you ‘nd I both know I ain’t the one you wanna hear that from.”

...

“Raph ain’t mad. I’ve been Donnie’s brother for a long, long time. I know he can be a dumb dumb, sometimes.”

Everyone (I think) sees that Donnie loves her EXCEPT Donnie. Raph says he saw Donnie grab Vi at the party... do you think, when Raph finds out about the miscommunication, he might realize that Donnie doesn't understand his feelings and try to help him figure it out?

💜🐢 (6:16 p.m.)

Raph said you looked unwell today. Do I need to send Leo over to bring you to the lair tonight?

A tempting offer that makes you bite your lower lip. You turn on the camera on your phone to check your face and see the bags under your eyes, the clear exhaustion, and something else that makes you just look… sad.

sent (6:17 p.m.)

no, but thank you for offering! it’s really sweet of you.

I'm begging you to accept some comfort. I'm begging. She so easily brushes him off so she can hide how she's feeling. Please, man, she needs to be loved.

[Vi talking] "Thanks, Casey. You’re the best, and I owe you.”

“Nah. People always look after each other,” Casey says easily, and you suppose that coming from an apocalypse-torn world forces that outlook on you pretty bone-deep.

She's right, but also... I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts about this. Something about her always feeling like she OWES people for the things they do for her. Like she has to earn their kindness, always pay it back, nothing comes for free, not for you... she doesn't have that mentality regarding anyone else. Like, she doesn't expect others to earn her kindness, she doesn't expect any kind of payback or anything when she does something kind or helpful - that mindset only applies when she's the one getting something. It has me wondering, again, about the details of her past. Alopex, yes, but also with her family. Was it pounded into her head that she isn't enough, that she isn't worthy of kindness and help unless she does something useful or tangible in return? Or is this, once again, me reading too much into things and possibly projecting?

Mikey, we’re your brothers. It would make sense for us to go.

It just occurred to me that Donnie uses italics in the group chat. You can't do that in regular text chains, right? Is this like a discord-type situation? Or is it because they're all using phones (most likely) made by Donnie and he somehow added that feature? (This is so not important, I know, I know, but I'm curious okay?)

Every single use of tesorito and hermosa stabs me directly in the heart.

“You look like shit,” you hear a familiar voice call, and you look up to see Leo sitting in a fire escape, legs hanging and his arms resting against the metal. Elegantly, he drops to the asphalt, walking up to you and taking your chin in his hands, tilting your face for his examination. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” you agree, causing him to grin. “Thanks for this, by the way. I really appreciate it.”

“You don’t ask for much. And even if you did, I like showing off for pretty girls,” he flairs.

Fury. Even now, when he's supposedly being genuine with her, I'm so angry. He even says she doesn't ask for much. He knows how much she gives, how little she takes. How much she cares. The work she puts in for others. You know the (Did you try?) that Vi has in 21? I wonder... ever since he started to really think about 'what he wants' did he have similar thoughts? A constant (Is this worth it? Is this the person you want to be? Now that you see her heart, her soul, are you really okay with being this kind of person?) - or even, as we get further and further into the fic, something like (How could you? How could you? How could you?)

“Best friend ever,” you compliment

Does he feel guilty when she says stuff like this, now? (How could you?)

Oh I forgot that Vi told Leo what Casey revealed to her about the future. Again, does Leo feel guilty? Seeing that Vi was so affected by that knowledge? Knowing that he asked her to talk to Casey, so it's kind of because of him? "I haven’t felt right in days" she says.

"I hate secrets" [Vi says] ... “…Can I ask you something?” he says after a moment of studying your face. It’s a curiously serious expression ... “Why Donnie?” ... "You’re beautiful. Funny. Have a good job. Easy to like. You could have most anyone you want. Any mutant would kill to have someone like you as a partner. So. Why Donnie?” ... It feels, a little, like that day he’d frightened you. A softer, friendlier version of it.

Yeah. Because it is. Leo doesn't hate her anymore, and she picks up on the difference even though she doesn't understand why.

[Vi talking about Donnie] he’s got this—compulsion, almost. To take care of people. He works on his tech so hard so he can be useful. He’s always texting me about not staying up too late. Getting enough sleep. Did I eat lunch. Don’t overwork myself. Take a break. He even got me to take a few days off, just to relax, and I’ve never done that before. Even though he never turns those thoughts in on himself

HE'S JUST LIKE YOU. SCREAMING THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS. RATTLING HER. SO MANY THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT DONNIE APPLY TO YOU AS WELL.

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask." ... I like him. All of him. Even if I’d never been able to touch him. It would have been him.”

Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something

Yeah. I can definitely see how this would make Leo really struggle to keep it a secret.

He portals you to just outside Donnie’s lab, and with another flash of blue, he’s gone.

The difference here, with him not even going in with her to see Donnie. Him just portaling her to the entrance and then going off... I can just imagine him spending a long time in his room thinking. Thinking thinking thinking about what he should do, after her speech.

Hearing your footsteps, Donnie turns his head, doing a double-take when he sees you, standing out of his chair and coming to stand in front of you with an anxious energy that makes you feel guilty all over again.

“You’re here,” he says, and you nod, dropping your bag to the floor and leaning into him. Instantly his arms wrap around you, tight enough to crush the air out of you.

Come ON. HE LOVES HER. HE NEEDS HER. COME ON.

What are you supposed to do? Sob into his arms about how you’d avoided something terrible? Him? The man who couldn’t even touch his family for years and years and years because of the awful things he’s gone through? The man who goes out onto the streets and keeps people like you safe? Why do you get to cry, and he doesn’t?

Her line of thinking here - that 'my issues aren't as serious, they don't matter, I shouldn't seek comfort, especially not from someone who does so much already' - just. No, Vi. I almost wish she would've told Donnie what she was thinking. Someone needs to help her.

(The sex is so fucking hot. I say that every time but only because it's true every time.)

He’s saying something; his mouth is moving but you’re too fuzzy to think, too lost to hear.

God. I wonder what he said, here.

Every time she says something or thinks something about how beautiful he is, it reminds me that he hasn't said she is beautiful even once.

“I was hoping to get my mouth on your breasts again. You always make interesting noises when I do.”

So clinical :( and then more and more until she realizes. I'm not going to put the whole thing, but God. God. It's so painful... acoustics, data, sensors, recordings, sessions, partner, spreadsheets...

“The differential in touch inhibition,” he says shortly, like you’re the one not making sense. “I’m actually quite pleased with our progress. I was listening to one of the recordings the other day, and—”

...

“I record everything,” he says, smiling proudly.

...

"This whole time. Have you just been… experimenting with your touch thing?”

Donnie tilts his head. “What else would we be doing?

God, it kills me that he just. Doesn't know. Doesn't understand. And it's not his fault even a little bit. How would he have known otherwise? Honestly? In my reread I didn't find anything he did wrong with the information he thought he had. Unless you count the 4th party, but even then it would be him not following the experiment protocol. It's still not him being malicious in any way (that I know of).

Sheets that smell like a stupid, stupid girl who put her own wishes into someone else’s words yet again.

That's another reference to Alopex, right? Cannot wait to find out more about that relationship.

If Donnie says anything, you don’t hear it.

I wonder if he said anything here. Was he still talking to her, trying to figure out what was wrong? Or watching her in confused, shocked silence? I don't know which is worse.

(It's so painful. It's so fucking painful to read her reaction.)

Tucking your knees to your chest, you sit under the water’s foray, letting it wash over you. On and on and on the little drops hit your skin. They hurt from their fire. On and on and on and on. They hurt from their ice. On and on and on and on.

Again. Letting herself be hurt. I'm worried.

Then Leo. Covering her with a blanket and holding her. (Does he feel guilty? How could you?)

You pathetic thing, you think derisively, loathing the person you’d become once again.

Another nod to something like this happening with Alopex. Also, the self-hate. I worry worry worry.

Leo is there to see her fall apart. To fully see how the miscommunication with Donnie affected her. I'm worried that, if there's a blowout between him and Donnie, Leo will use his knowledge of how utterly destroyed Vi was against Donnie during the argument.

“What happened?” he asks, because of course he came without knowing, of course he’d seek to solve before he even knew the shape of the problem. Leo, the quiet leader, always watching, always knowing, always helping. So, so grateful for him, you sink your teeth into your lower lip hard and clutch your biceps hard enough to bleed.

"Always helping" and "so grateful for him" make my chest ache. She thinks of him so, so positively and fondly - the betrayal is so deep.

---

What a fucking roller coaster.

My conclusions: Sam is a genius. I'm a goddamn fool. I'm REALLY worried for Vi. I feel so so so bad for Donnie (looking back, I was so confused and angry with him... and it wasn't his fault. It really wasn't and I can't believe I was so blinded by my own biases that I couldn't fathom him not understanding... I owe him such an apology). I'm so goddamn angry with Leo I'm physically sick with it, but my heart aches for pretty much everyone, including Leo. And, once again, Sam is a genius.

#symphony #turtlecleric ramblings #I'm in agony #FINALLY #I'VE DONE IT

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kooldewd123 · 5 months ago

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My New Year's resolution this year was to read more. I'm sure a lot of people around here can relate to this, but I was a massive reader as a child who started to fall off as I grew up. I barely read anything new at all throughout college and the latter half of high school. At the start of this year, I was suddenly hit with a massive urge to try and return to my roots again, and for probably the first time ever, I suddenly had a New Year's resolution I actually intended to follow through on. Still, I knew that my attention issues would make this hard for me unless I gave myself some sort of structure.

Enter Animorphs. Not only was this a beloved series from my childhood that I had been wanting to revisit for a long time, but it happened to fill my needs perfectly: with 54 mainline books total, I could easily pace myself at a book a week, and with each book only taking about an hour or so to read, it would be a nice, low-commitment way to ease myself back in. And for an added kick in the pants, I started a reread thread to hold myself accountable to.

Although revisiting the series that genuinely shaped me into the person I am today has been a magical experience, it was never the main goal. My hope in starting this project was that by weaning myself back in with a weekly diet of quick, digestible books, I would get myself back into the proper headspace of wanting to read more often. And now that we're nearly at the halfway point of the year, I'm so glad to be able to say:

It fucking worked.

Not counting Animorphs, I've read more books this year than I have since... probably middle school. And it's not just me going over the collection on my bookshelf, either - most of them have been entirely brand new to me, some of which I hadn't even heard of until I grabbed them off the bookstore shelf and thought "huh, that sounds neat." It's really thrown me back to childhood experiences and overall been a fantastic refresh of my mental state after stagnating a bit in some of my media-consumption habits. This has been a much longer preamble than I anticipated, but I wanted to make this post to go over the books I've read so far this year and some of my thoughts on them! So here we go, in no particular order:

Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan: This is the reason I said "most" of the books I read this year were new. The Riordanverse is my second favorite book series after Animorphs, and I've also been meaning to reread it at some point as well. The Disney+ series earlier this year really gave me a strong urge to revisit the books, but I wanted to wait until after the show was over so it didn't skew my expectations too much. And, yeah. It's been just as great a series as I remember. I've only finished up through Battle of the Labyrinth so far, but I want to go through the whole Riordanverse eventually. HoO are some of my most-read books ever, and ToA has been itching at the back of my mind for months. The Kane Chronicles and Magnus Chase never captured my interest as well as the Greco-Roman stuff, but I'm excited to take another look at them and see if my feelings have changed.

Loki's Ring by Stina Leicht: A space captain travels to a mysterious pathogen-infected planet to save her AI daughter... is what the blurb on the back of the book says. Truthfully, I think the marketing on this one is a bit misleading. I picked it up expecting to get a sci-fi mystery thriller set on a spooky planet, but what I got instead was a more political piece about the crew trying to negotiate between all the different parties laying claim to the planet. It's not a bad book by any means, but just not something that appealed to me personally and I couldn't help but feel a bit burned by the description.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman: I've heard a lot about Gaiman's work, and about this book especially, so this was one of the books I was most excited to start reading. And there was a lot I enjoyed here: Shadow was an interesting protagonist, I loved this take on modern gods, and Gaiman's interpretation of Americana as a concept was fascinating. But for some reason... I dunno, this one was just a slog to get through for me, despite how much I felt like I should have loved it. I hate to admit it after how highly I've heard him recommended, but I think Gaiman's writing style might just not be my thing. I'd be willing to give him another shot if I was in the right mood (the idea of checking out Sandman has crossed my mind a couple of times), but sad to say I probably won't be delving into his works like I was hoping to. One of the biggest disappointments I've had with a piece of media in a long time.

Eye of the Sh*t Storm (The Frost Files #3) by Jackson Ford: Now this one was a surprise in the complete opposite direction. I grabbed this one on a whim, completely missing the fact that it was the third book in a series. The Frost Files follows the adventures of Teagan Frost, a reluctant government agent working in Los Angeles with psychokinetic abilities (or as the book puts it, the ability to move sh*t with her mind). The opening to this book nearly lost me, leaning into some drug humor that's not really my taste, but what followed was a frantically fun adventure with zany humor, strong tensions, and characters that bounced off each other perfectly. I was sold on the series pretty quickly, but by the time I decided I wanted to read the other books, I was already too invested in this one to stop. I have the first book ready on my shelf to read at some point, but I need to search some local bookstores for #2 and #4 first so I can read the whole thing straight through.

The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins: Can you believe I've never actually read these books before? For some reason, my mom took a super hard stance against these books in particular and never let me read them, and when my dad told me she was being stupid and gave me the entire trilogy himself, I just... put them on my bookshelf and never actually got around to reading them. I admit I was a bit worried going in. I don't often enjoy romance in stories, especially since figuring out I'm aro, and these books have a reputation for kickstarting the entirely overdone dystopian YA love triangle trope. I was very pleasantly surprised, then, that the romance wasn't actually as major a part of the story as I expected, and the extent to which it was used was entirely in service of the story's themes and message. In that vein, one of the most interesting parts of these books to me was being able to see the origin point of so many tropes of the genre. It's clear why this trilogy is a masterpiece, and finally being able to take it all in illuminated all the ways that Collins inspired the YA writers that came after her. Katniss is a remarkable protagonist, and the story resonated in ways that are even clearer to me now than they would have been to me if I had read it back then. I feel like I got a surprising amount out of these books. I downloaded the movies to compare, but never worked up the motivation to actually start watching them.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury: At one point, I decided to try and go back to some books I read in school to see what I would get out of them now that I'm more educated on the subject matter they're tackling. I was actually looking for 1984, but couldn't find it (I guess Barnes & Noble must have gotten rid of those look-up computers during COVID or something so I was basically just wandering around blindly trying to figure it out myself) and ended up with Fahrenheit 451 instead. So how did I feel about this one? Weirdly ambivalent. Censorship and the preservation of information are two of the issues I'm most concerned with in the world today, but for some reason this book just did absolutely nothing for me and I can't really say why. Nothing about it really stuck in my brain the way I expected it to. I did eventually find 1984 and Animal Farm, so hopefully those ones give me more to think about. I actually never even read Animal Farm in school, so that'll be a new one for me.

The Arc of a Scythe Trilogy by Neal Shusterman: I'd heard this trilogy come up a couple of times before as the big new YA series. For the uninitiated, these books take place in a utopian future where all of humanity's problems have been solved: crime, poverty, corruption, racism, disease, even death itself. The only arbiters of death left in the world are Scythes, an order tasked with taking the lives of others in order to maintain the value of life and curb overpopulation. And let me tell you, this series is absolutely a new favorite of mine. I brought these with me on a road trip and chewed through Thunderhead, The Toll, and Gleanings on the bus in a way I didn't even realize I was capable of anymore. The world is well fleshed out in an incredibly elegant way, with boundaries loose enough to provide for amazing twists yet firm enough to still provide stakes. The differing philosophies the Scythes each have on death and duty in a post-mortal world are an absolute delight to see unfold. And the story plays its cards excellently, slipping in details at just the right moment for them to slide under your radar before suddenly exploding into prominence. Thunderhead and The Toll in particular use the medium of text in much more interesting ways than anything else I've read recently, leading to some amazing scenes I couldn't stop myself from flipping back to and reading all over again. I'm gonna be thinking about this series for a long time, and I really hope we get another companion book like Gleanings as an excuse to take another plunge back into this world.

Lore by Alexandra Bracken: Every seven years, the Olympian gods are turned mortal for a single week, and anyone who manages to kill them takes their power. if i had a nickel for every book on this list about gods in the modern world- I haven't really gotten that far in this book so far, so it's only here as an honorable mention. It hasn't hooked me yet, but I feel like I'm only just starting to get out of the intro section and into the action, so there's plenty of time still left for it to pick up. Plus, I got distracted with life stuff and couldn't give it my full focus for a while, so I'm probably not giving it as fair a chance as I should.

It's been fun reading them, it's been fun talking about them, and here's hoping I can keep having fun with them in the future.

#books #i guess #not sure what else to tag it #reading #koolmathgames.com

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glitchbirds · 6 months ago

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started watching the his dark materials tv adaptation earlier this week- something that i had meant to do back in 2019 when it began and never quite got around to. started s3 yesterday so i should get the remaining 7 episodes under my belt within the next few days genuinely it is fascinating to watch an adaptation of a series that i read only once, when i was ten years old, but which left such a profound impression on me that i have consistently cycled back to it for years and years (esp when its such a complex, sprawling fantasy world-or several worlds, really- that its adapting)

as ive mentioned Several times over the years- maybe not on this particular account though-, i was gifted an omnibus copy of all three books in one by my older brother, either for christmas or my birthday i cant remember, sometime before the 2007 movie came out (meaning i had to have been 10 at the absolute oldest when i started reading them, though maybe 11 by the time i finished?). i also very clearly remember The Controversy surrounding them among christians, mainly because of a few comments by classmates but more importantly because my (fourth grade, iirc?) teacher pulled me out of class one day to tell me the book i was reading was sinful and atheist and against god and etc (which made me cry very hard </3 even though she told me i could still read it. this was back when my dad still took me to (catholic) church on a semi-regular basis to appease my grandmother as well as sunday school (run by my older cousins) and at least a year or so before i started to develop a modicum of critical thought towards deep south church teachings. i was petrified of the idea of going to hell and scared to do anything whatsoever to jeopardize my chances) (this did not stop me from reading the book however, because i enjoyed it too much. but i also have a clear memory of reading the book every chance i got w/o paying much attention to what was happening around me and one day realizing that i was reading it while at church service and mentally freaking out that i was doing something sacrilegious and trying to force myself to stop reading. i think i spent about 10 minutes bored out of my mind before i, internally apologetic, went back to reading) luckily my parents seemed unaware or unphased by the fearmongering- i assume my mother never noticed, or this was before she started to become insane from fox news poisoning; my dad i think brought it up briefly because of a flyer he saw but wasnt overly worried about it- because i saw the movie in theaters (i liked it ok; have never seen it since, i want to now though) and also acquired the ds game (tbh i enjoyed it despite it being tie-in garbage and me being v bad at video games as a kid; i never managed to beat it though) and later the wii game (bad </3 never got far into it)

Anywayyyy. again i have never since reread any of the books or read any of the other novellas and the like philip pullman has written set in the same world, though im itching to do that now; and ofc while ive skimmed through wiki articles and the like to refresh my memory on things, my memory of most of the plot points in the books are heavily based on My Perspective As A Ten Year Old Child. i remember the first book the best, a decent amount of subtle knife, and can only recall a few specifics of amber spyglass, and its only now while revisiting the world by watching the tv show that im getting a proper, more well-rounded view of the symbolism and messaging and Authorial Intent(tm) behind the series, because of course a lot of this shit flew right over my stupid little child brain as a kid. once i got to the third book i started to understand, vaguely, why my teacher didnt want me reading this book and why there was a backlash against the movie, but a lot of things that are obvious to me now (and would have been obvious if i read the series just a few years later, really) just did not compute for a 10 y/o. which ofc does not mean that i think its a Bad thing i read them that young but all of ^ that turns watching this series into a mix of "oh i remember that" "oh i know whats coming up" "oh my god i forgot that this is from HDM, this has influenced so many creative projects over the years w/o me even realizing it" "oh they skipped over it but i know in the books there was a scene here that i loved and that has stuck with me forever" "i dont remember this from the books but it extrapolates perfectly from what i remember about these characters" "oh my god was the symbolism here really that obvious and i still didnt pick up on it" etc etc etc ANYWAYYYY. my actual review of the tv series so far: -season 1 in particular is sorely lacking in how it portrays daemons and it made me increasingly sad. daemons were without a doubt my favorite thing from these books and one of my favorite things in a work of fantasy Ever to the point where over the years i have Repeatedly decided to sit down and spend a ridiculous amount of time painstakingly plotting out what daemon i think (x) character from (x) piece of media i enjoy, would have. many of which are still committed to memory. i fucking love daemons as a concept and i wish this shit was public domain so any piece of fiction i write could utilize them forever. i get budget issues exist or w/e but whyyyy would you adapt a series where every character in a world would have a cgi animal with them at all times if you couldnt actually show those cgi animals in more than a handful of scenes per episode and only for (some) major characters and only if they had a speaking role in that scene and also occasionally just have them teleport instead of showing them walking from one room to the next and also crowd shots are fucking barren. its like watching a live action pkmn tv show where pokemon are onscreen for a combined 5-10 minutes out of 60 minute episodes. s2 is a bit better about it but it also spends significantly more time in other worlds where daemons arent visible so ig its easier to budget in more daemons in scenes that take place in lyras world. no idea about s3 yet though ofc the mulefa are coming so We'll See how they handle the cg there

-i do think the cg animal animation looks good though. like its not "i believe there is an actual snow leopard in the room" photorealism but not only is that something i do not particularly care about, i think daemons looking a little unreal is actually perfect. they are physical manifestation of human souls and are in-universe immediately distinguishable from identical animals of the same species... it works

-s2 in general is a significant improvement on s1 not just in the daemons but in the overall pacing and character exploration imo; which is surprising considering its the season cut short from covid lockdown; and also a bit sad since, again, most of what i remember is from the first book and thus many of my fondest memories of the books were things that were either skimmed over in the first season or cut out entirely </3 ALAS.

-iorek and iofurs fight didnt go as hard as it shouldve </3 they didnt even show iorek ripping iofur's jaw off... he was killed in the blurry bg behind lyra. how are you gonna let the 2007 pg-13 movie kick more ass at talking armored polar bears fighting to the death

-am i crazy or is the alethiometer just not used much in the tv series compared to the book... maybe the movie+games clouded my memory, or maybe its the fact that in the show there's rarely any elaboration as to what the symbols could mean or which symbols lyra is using for her questions/what she's interpreting. almost every scene of it being used blurs together and i wouldnt be shocked if some show-only fans think its a stupid plot device with no rhyme or reason behind the symbols, when imo i think you can at least roughly intuit many of the meanings, though obviously not to the extent that a reader could interpret full accurate sentences

-some really really strong casting for like 99% of the roles in this show, i love most of the changes theyve made from the books wrt to casting decisions, my only significant gripe is of course. why did you have to do lee scorseby like that. i loved lee a lot. i remembered him so fondly. why'd you have to give lin manuel miranda that one. just absolutely devastating to me personally (though the choice to have andrew scott as will's father was v funny to me because lin manuel miranda and moriarty from bbc sherlock hanging out together for a huge chunk of s2 has to have appealed massively to a very particular subset of tumblrina)

-again i read these books when i was 10 so the concept of "characters can be bad people but also really well written and enjoyable to spectate" hadnt really settled in my mind yet so i really have no idea if this fully applies to the book version of her but oh my godddd i love mrs coulter in this series. yes she kidnaps children and rips their souls apart from them yes she drugs her own daughter and holds her captive yes she murders people indiscriminately without remorse etc. and she rules <3

-similarly the changes theyve made to the golden monkey are Fascinating...

-i loved lyra and pan with my whole heart when i was her age and it is really :,) to now be fully an adult and see her again. waughh. i love how almost everyone she meets loves her too (i will not stand for ppl watering it down to found family fanfiction tropes. but She Is So Loved.)

-i think its cool that boreal went from being a fairly minor character in the books to one of the main antagonists for a hot minute. he was fun :)

-i dont remember having strong feelings about mary malone as a kid but i really like her here. i havent gotten to this point in the show yet but im aware they tweaked her backstory to make her a lesbian as well, which is just delightful to me

-will's relationship w/ his mother and particularly the way the book describes her mental illness from will's perspective was so, So important to me as a kid and the thing i remembered best from subtle knife, and i wish the show had dwelled on it a liiiittle more? in particular, the bit where will thinks about when he first realized something was up and his mother wasnt just playing a "game" with him and was actually terrified of a nonexistent threat, when he was seven and they were shopping for groceries, and how he realized then and there that he needed to take care of her and protect her- that stuck w/ me very strongly as a kid and i wish the show had found a way for will to talk about it with lyra, there were a couple points where i thought he was going to bring it up. maybe this season??

fun fact i started writing this post at like 10 last night. i gotta put a stop this rn

#very long and rambly post. apologies #txt

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apocalypticavolition · 1 year ago

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Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World: Chapter 1: An Empty Road

Welcome back to my reread! As will always be the case but isn't usual yet because we're just getting started, this post has spoilers for everything ever and should not be looked at if you don't want to see those. In fact, just telling you that spoils this very post, so it's already too late!

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

A comfy paragraph that feels like home. Someone could literally plagiarize this and I wouldn't care because it's such a good way to start! More book series should try and have very consistent beginnings, it really adds a lot.

Oh, and I should probably mention chapter headers. This guy has the "Wheel and Snake" motif, which is a generic Plot kind of deal.

Note that I am skipping over a second prologue that was added to these books when they were (for some reason) trying to make a YA version of the series that cut each book in half. That prologue, "Ravens", is one I've never read (or maybe I have but only once) and features Egwene al'Vere a few years before the series begins. Maybe I'll circle around to it someday, but I'm very big on only accepting works as they initially were (barring fixing typos or outright plot holes) and not with a whole bunch of doodads attached.

...the wind blew east, out across the Sand Hills, once the shore of a great ocean, before the Breaking of the World...

Interestingly, the most likely body of water for this to be is actually the Mediterranean, not any of the oceans proper.

Gusts plastered Rand al’Thor’s cloak to his back, whipped the earth-colored wool around his legs, then streamed it out behind him.

Rand has a lot of associations with wind (Loial even notes it in-universe) and also the land, so it's appropriate that we get both here with the wind blowing through the earth-colored wool. Note as well that while the earth is protecting him (though not especially well), the wind has been turned by the Shadow into something hostile.

He felt a little foolish about wanting to reassure himself that Tam was still there, but it was that kind of day.

Considering his later thoughts about wolves and bears, it doesn't even seem that foolish. Take it from someone who just a few weeks ago was dealing with being separated from family on a Canadian highway that definitely had bears.

Without thinking he touched the nock of the arrow; it was ready to draw to his cheek in one smooth movement, the way Tam had taught him.

Tam's influence on Rand looms large over the series, which does set up the reversal in TGS and the breakdown it causes quite well.

Wolves raided the sheep pens and chewed their way into barns to get the cattle and horses. Bears had been after the sheep, too, where a bear had not been seen in years.

It's rather interesting to imagine what might have happened to Perrin if Moiraine hadn't taken him away. The wolves would likely worm their way into his head by about the time he met Elyas in canon anyway, only he'd be in such a different context it's not hard to imagine him going really off the rails. Someone who actually finishes what they started should write a fic!

With his thick chest and broad face, he was a pillar of reality in that morning, like a stone in the middle of a drifting dream.

And Tam's being a metaphorical pillar of reality is of course set up for the fact that by the end of the series Rand himself will be a literal one. It's really impressive how clearly Jordan saw the ending of the series; the Slog in my opinion is likely a product of his uncertainty in how to get there.

[Rand's mother] had been an outlander, and Rand remembered little of her aside from a smiling face, though he did put flowers on her grave every year, at Bel Tine, in the spring, and at Sunday, in the summer.

It's terrible being a mom for a protagonist, even an adoptive mother. Death is the best you can hope for.

But Tam had given his word about the brandy and cider, even if he had waited to make delivery until the day before Festival. Keeping his word was important to Tam.

"Belief and order give strength." If Tam had accompanied Rand on this journey, the whole thing would have been over in five days tops.

As Rand watched his side of the road, the feeling grew in him that he was being watched. For a while he tried to shrug it off. Nothing moved or made a sound among the trees, except the wind. But the feeling not only persisted, it grew stronger. The hairs on his arms stirred; his skin prickled as if it itched on the inside.

This is of course Rand's channeler sense for Shadowspawn. Does this mean he's already channeled at some point this winter, or do sparks like him get the various gifts before they start because it's inevitable that they will anyway? I wonder if Nynaeve (and maybe Egwene if sparks do get the spidey sense before channeling) has spent the last few days being itchy as all hell and not having a clue why. It would add another reason to her bad temper over being asked about the weather.

Not more than twenty spans back down the road a cloaked figure on horseback followed them, horse and rider alike black, dull and ungleaming.

"You're in the wrong franchise! Hobbiton's on the other side of the shelf, between Rosewater and Sounis!"

I get that Jordan had to channel a bit of Tolkien because it was the 80s and that's how you got published, but I have to say that sometimes I think he leaned a little too far into it. At least Myrdraal get weirder as we go.

There was only shadow to see in the hood

If Sanderson had been writing the series from the start, he would have rationalized that a Fade being able to step out of any shadow means it could step out of the shadow of its hood and then repeat the process to gain altitude rapidly, allowing the Shadow to orbitally bombard its enemies when the Fades stopped and fell back to Earth.

Abruptly a stone caught his heel and he stumbled, breaking his eyes away from the dark horseman.

Rand was a shy, awkward, inwardly beautiful teenage girl, just like you.

(Seriously folks, plot-convenient clumsiness is not gender specific and we should call it out in our boy protagonists too!)

Tam shook his grizzled head. “If you say so, lad. Come on, then. A horse leaves hoofprints, even on this ground.”

More proof of Tam being a good dad that even though Rand's talking nonsense, he checks it out. Of course, it wouldn't be surprising if Tam had experience with Shadowspawn somehow. Probably not though, since he was mostly involved in Illian and the Aiel War.

The wind that beat at Tam and him had not so much as shifted a fold of that black cloak.

More on the earth/air duality, with air being the masculine half tainted by the Shadow.

once he had even gone to the very foot of the Mountains of Mist, him and his closest friends, Mat Cauthon and Perrin Aybara.

Two complete nobodies who we'll never hear about again, naturally.

Today, though, the Westwood was not the place he remembered. A man who could disappear so suddenly could reappear just as suddenly, maybe even right beside them.

Maybe even fall on you from orbit!

Though I suppose the earth half of things being unfamiliar now does cut against the symbolism I'm envisioning, but I'll leave resolving that as a Freudian exercise for the reader.

Rand managed a weak smile. Of all things he might want to think about right then, the Mayor’s daughter was far down the list. He did not need any more confusion. For the past year she had been making him increasingly jittery whenever they were together.

18 seems a little late to be hitting puberty, Rand. Seriously, if it weren't for the narration earlier calling him and Tam "two men", I'd assume he was supposed to be 14-16 at this point.

“Remember the flame, lad, and the void.”

This technique actually does kind of work! I've used it a lot during painful dentistry and stuff. Sadly, I'm no good at remembering it when I'm in an emotional state, which is when it would be most useful, but maybe someday I'll learn.

(Probably not.)

Some said the land was too rocky, as if there were not rocks everywhere in the Two Rivers, and others said it was hard-luck land. A few muttered that there was no point getting any closer to the mountains than needs be.

Having recently been exposed to the "The Two Rivers is contaminated with radioactive fallout from the Trolloc Wars" theory, I have to note that this feels a bit like evidence for it even though I don't believe it in general - in particular, the cats having a weird number of toes happens all over the place in real life when they start getting too inbred.

goodwife

This is an interesting word choice! Goodwife (masculine "goodman"; abbr. "goody", from which we get "goody two-shoes") is an archaic form of address that started in the 1300s and died by the 1800s, with the English and Scots using it first and the Puritans later. It referred to women of high social status but non-gentry in Europe and in America we have no clue what exactly the Puritans meant except that it was respectful. Here in EF, the term likely either descends from the days when there were gentry to talk about, or has arisen in the Puritan sense.

Whether or not leaves had appeared on the trees, no woman would let Bel Tine come before her spring cleaning was done.

And here we come to Jordan's worldview again. The Two Rivers folk are meant to be pretty gender egalitarian, but here we see that they have the exact division of labor that the idealized American town does, with women doing interior chores and men doing exterior ones. This is treated as being inevitable, even though of course it doesn't have to be and in most real societies gendered division of labor is only ever a sunny day ideal and abandoned in part or in whole in rougher times like we're supposed to be in now, with spring a month late. Hell, even in a culture with similar gender norms to the west, ("Women care about the house, men do rough work"), you could easily see them ending up dividing things the other way, with women expected to thatch the roofs to maintain their nes- I mean homes and men beating the shit out of carpets because their big manly muscles let them get it done faster. See how easy it is to use sexist logic to justify the exact opposite of what western sexism usually does? (Fun fact: That's because sexist logic is almost completely arbitrary.)

It would be rather nice to see a generic Arcadian farming village that has radically different expectations for men and women while still being superficially similiar to the ideal homestead, really. Jordan missed an opportunity.

Tam spoke of damage from winter storms, each one worse than the one before, and stillborn lambs, of brown fields where crops should be sprouting and pastures greening, of ravens flocking in where songbirds had come in years before.

As a big corvid fan, seeing them always be associated with evil when they're really quite social and intelligent makes me sad.

[Wit] never seemed ready to start over, or to finish what he started the first time. Most of the Coplins and Congars were like that, those who were not worse.

Kind of odd to transition from "Life is hard out here and people who aren't willing to work hard can't cut it" to "Meet the Shithead and Lazyfuck Clans, the inbred hicks." It's realistic to have shittier families in communities, but usually these families in the real world at least have something going for them.

“What are we going to do about Nynaeve, al’Thor?” Congar demanded. “We can’t have a Wisdom like that for Emond’s Field.”

Wait a few days and the problem will take care of itself, Wit. Ten whatever-kind-of-coins-are-legal-tender-here says that he was probably the first to bitch about their village not having a Wisdom the second Nynaeve crested a hill and disappeared from view.

“You try meddling in Women’s Circle business, and see how you like eating your own cooking. Which you won’t do in my kitchen. And washing your own clothes and making your own bed. Which won’t be under my roof.”

Guess Daise married from outside the clan, since she seems like a relatively decent sort. Also note again the 1950s division of labor; plenty of dudes knew how to do "women's work" across history because even if you were lucky enough to always have a mommy-wife (yes that's exactly how icky 1950s-lovers are) on hand and never had to go to war or a logging camp or spend a few years in early adulthood fending for yourself, sometimes Mrs. Mommy would be bedridden from all the exhaustion of being a brood mare with unrealized aspirations and then you'd have to learn how to keep the household going anyway because hiring (or enslaving) a dark-skinned maid to do everything for you wasn't an option.

When they saw Tam, the goodwives of Emond’s Field went on point like hounds spotting a rabbit.

I feel like this is another bit of Jordan's local culture being mistaken for human nature. There's definitely gals who will try to set you up if they know you're single, but there's guys who'll pull the same stunt and neither gender has a 100% attempt rate unless compelled to by their society. Then again, for all of it being presented as the ideal, the Two Rivers community is definitely all about meddling in each other's business and assuming you're too stupid to breathe because you don't have the right kind of genitals, so I suppose it makes sense the women feel like they have to.

Worst of all were those who paused thoughtfully at about that point, then asked with elaborate casualness exactly how old he was now.

Based on later books, Egwene would have been pissed to hear about this. It's probably not canonical in later books though, since the exact details of their relationship change quite a bit in the first three.

Outsiders sometimes found it funny that the road had one name to the north and another to the south, but that was the way it had always been, as far as anyone in Emond’s Field knew, and that was that.

I struggle to think what rock these outsiders must have been living under to find the idea of a road changing names funny. It's the sort of thing that happens when two separate roads are brought together, and I know that the west is slowly decaying, but still.

No one knew when the custom began or why—it was another thing that was the way it had always been—but it was an excuse to sing and dance, and nobody in the Two Rivers needed much excuse for that.

It's a dick joke, ya hicks!

Or possibly a reference to the queen blowing herself up. That seems more dignified.

And to top everything, if the rumors could be believed, a grand display of fireworks was planned for the Green—if the first peddler of the year appeared in time, of course.

Another moment that feels a bit too Tolkien, with the book opening on a celebration graced with fireworks, but hey at least the Illuminators end up having a lot of plot relevance in this story, so it builds well.

At the south end of the inn, away from the stream, stretched the remains of a much larger stone foundation, once part of the inn—or so it was said.

I would guess that the foundation was once the local garrison in Manetheren, or at least a more prominent building for the village mayor. Maybe even a place where Andorians of import might stay, since it would have to be relatively recently ruined to have not been torn apart by the tree roots in the last few hundred years.

“An ill omen,” a scratchy voice announced, “no storks nesting on the rooftops at Bel Tine.” Cenn Buie, as gnarled and dark as an old root, marched up to Tam and Bran and leaned on his walking staff, near as tall as he was and just as gnarled.

Narrative doesn't treat Buie kindly either (and not unfairly), but he's not wrong here. Things are only going to get worse, especially here in the Two Rivers.

Ask the Wisdom when the winter will end, and she walks away. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell us what she hears on the wind. Maybe what she hears is that the winter won’t end. Maybe it’s just going to go on being winter until the Wheel turns and the Age ends. There’s your point.

It's interesting that while Cenn thinks Nynaeve is too young, his fearmongering here is based on the assumption that she is perfectly competent. This double think is quite distressingly common in certain circles.

Rand’s smile broadened; it did not sound as much like fun to him as it would have a year or two back, but Mat never seemed to grow up.

Again, this sequence feels like it works better with Rand and Mat being 14-16, with badger pranks seeming like something more fun at 12-14. I wonder if, a bit like GRRM, Jordan assumed he'd have some time skips in his story that would get Rand into his 20s from a younger age, and then abandoned the concept as the plot continued to demand immediate action.

“Funny how being scared takes you. You think strange things. I actually thought—just for a minute, mind—it might be the Dark One.”

Mat's not too far off!

“The Dark One and all of the Forsaken are bound in Shayol Ghul, beyond the Great Blight, bound by the Creator at the moment of Creation, bound until the end of time. The hand of the Creator shelters the world, and the Light shines on us all.”

Note that it's not quite true: not all of the Forsaken are bound, none of them were bound by the Creator (arguably not even the Dark One), and the Forsaken are all about to break free. Over the past few millennia the Forsaken have really had a glow-up.

“My mother always said the Forsaken would come for me if I didn’t mend my ways. If I ever saw anybody who looked like Ishamael, or Aginor, it was him.”

Considering that Ish is currently serving flaming looks and Aginor is decayed as all hell, this is again not all that wrong.

Now his name came up whenever a washline dropped the laundry in the dirt or a loose saddle girth deposited a farmer in the road. Mat did not even have to be anywhere around. His support might be worse than none.

While I do think Nynaeve and Egwene are too hard on the boy, it's important to remember that this is Mat's reputation at the start of the series: his own best friend doesn't want his public support on a major issue.

Rand stared wonderingly. No one traveled beyond the village by night, not these days, certainly not alone.

Why did Thom come in the dead of night? Taren Ferry should have been a perfectly good place to stop, and with things being like they are you wouldn't think him in much of a hurry to wander among the wolves even though he can take care of himself. Do we get an answer to this?

That alone is worth the expense of bringing him down from Baerlon.

Oh and Thom's been close enough that he'd know all the environmental dangers quite well, so that really just makes me all the more curious.

“You have a head on your shoulders when you choose to use it,” Bran said. “He’ll follow you on the Village Council one day, Tam. Mark my words. He couldn’t do much worse right now than someone I could name.”

We can see here that Rand really is a political thinker, though of course he's going to rise far beyond a simple village council.

“Oh, why not?” Mat said resignedly. “Like your da said, the quicker it’s in the cellar. . . .” Picking up one of the casks of cider in both arms, he hurried toward the inn in a half trot.

And we can see here that Mat really is good to his friends, even if he is a rogue.

And that's pretty much chapter one! Rand and dad walk down a road, Rand sees an incarnation of evil, dad gossips throughout the village, local crotchety old man and scheming youth spread rumors. Like the prologue, this sequence wasn't really particularly adapted by the show. We instead have:

Moiraine giving us a really awkward summary of the plot thanks to executive meddling.

And it's here I should point out how many different reasons season 1 needed to make changes from the book. There's executive meddling, there's plague, there's the inevitable changes from page to screen, there's stuff that is clearly about appealing to the director, there's stuff that seems to be about keeping Rosamund Pike onboard, there's... a lot. And Rafe gets the blame for all of it which is really unfair because properly speaking we should only blame him for the stuff that's about appealing to himself. Blame Jeff Bezos for this one, folks. Anyway then we get:

Liandrin (who isn't even in this book!) and her posse of Rad Red Bad Bitches hunting down... let's pretend it's Gorin Rogad even though the timeline doesn't line up at all, and also Gorin's imaginary best friend. Moiraine and Lan watch from above and decide to go to Two Rivers.

Lots of people who want to make everything about culture wars complain about Obviously Evil Witch Liandrin being Horribly Misandrist In Ways That Sexism Has Never Been Done Before in this scene and I don't have patience for that kind of nonsense either. The scene's kinda rushed I think, and I am even more flummoxed by there being rumors of anything out of the Two Rivers, let alone four ta'veren, but whatever, plot's happening.

Egwene gets her hair braided for the first time (a practice mentioned in this chapter) and then Nynaeve tries to kill her to prep us for the saidar metaphor.

Frankly this is also rushed - a real problem in this episode because they wanted extra time for the premiere but were told to go feed their mothers to the Myrdraal while Jeff Bezos swam in a bathtub filled with 50 dollar bills - and because of all the cuts this episode had for time it feels a bit weirdly out there, but again we really needed to make surrender as literal and visual for TV watchers as possible so I know what's up.

Our closest scene to the books is Rand and Tam taking the old road to town and Rand freaking out about something that he assumes is wolves.

It's very abrupt and Rand is kinda douchey with his "I used to be a sap" line. It also used to be the first scene in the episode (I remember the outrage when people found out they were skipping the prologue) but the execs clearly forced it to be shuffled around. Probably would have been longer too.

Cut to town. People are setting up for Bel Tine and the air is generally happy instead of nervous like the books. Rand and Tam unload in the tavern and then Rand drinks with his friends, Mat, Perrin, and somebody else! She beats Mat at dice, Mat begs his friends for cash to keep carousing while bitching that Perrin is a good husband and accusing Rand of being a sheepfucker, and Egwene arrives with everyone very happy that she lived after the murder attempt.

Generally I think it's smart to trim down the parts of this chapter after the rider even in an episode that isn't desperately trying to fit into an hour, and introducing Perrin alongside Mat is something that works well for TV because it's easier to have interweaving conversations in real time. It also isn't a bad idea to age the characters up some (Rand and crew have to be about 20 now, per Moiraine's comments while watching Gorin get gentled) and abandon kiddie activities like badger pranks.

That said, the generic wholesomeness of the town is gone and that one lady who has spilled booze all over herself needs to slow down, like geez, you don't even know if Egwene is alive yet so why are you clearly already sauced? Hell, why is Rand carousing if he should be worrying whether or not his girlfriend was dashed against the rocks? Why is the mayor just chatting with Tam like nothing is up? That river initiation ceremony cannot possibly have a 100% survival rate and I suspect very strongly that its initial placement in the script was very different and only patched together like this because they didn't have time because seriously.

Oh and this is as good a place as any to talk about the elephant in the room to clear out the wrong sort of people before they get any ideas: no, the Two Rivers is not the bastion of Racial Purity it is in the books (we'll discuss that more in the reread when it starts coming up beyond a single acknowledgement that Rand doesn't look like most other folk here), and fuck no that is not remotely a problem. Even ignoring the sheer difficulty of getting enough extras of any ethnic group (and guess what people, "white" is too broad a group in this context and does not constitute a distinct "look" like the Two Rivers people have, you'd have to do "Polish" or "Irish" or something and then you're still making casting everything else a pain in the arse), the simple fact of the matter is that Zoë Robins is perfect as Nynaeve, Madeleine Madden is perfect as Egwene, Barney Harris was perfect as Mat, and maybe someday Marcus Rutherford will grow on me as an actor or at least get a subplot that isn't stupid or both! Together they cover a very broad range of human ethnicity and getting rid of any of them (let alone *most* of them) for racial reasons would be pathetic and would hobble the show even more than Amazon and COVID already managed to do. Shame on you for suggesting it and good day - good here being a word meaning "I hope you achieve some semblance of enlightenment about how wrong you are, which would be very good indeed, now begone!".

And on that note, I really want to go and play video games now, so I'm off as well. See you next time with chapter two: Strangers!

#wheel of time #robert jordan #let's read #rand al'thor #tam al'thor #mat cauthon #wot spoilers #wheel of time spoilers #wot on prime #racism is stupid and you should feel bad

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