#I just finished a reread of the book proper and I have More Thoughts

[svtiddiess]

⋆˙⟡ svtiddiess tumblr wrapped 2024 ⟡˙⋆

Thank you so much to Raven @shadowkoo for tagging me! This seems like such a fun idea!

I'm forever grateful for all the love and support I've gotten this year! Through this platform, I've met so many wonderful people, many of whom I can truly call my close friends. Thank you so much for all the likes, comments, and reblogs, you leave on my fics, they really mean a lot to me ♡ I hope to continue putting out fics and sharing my love for writing, SVT, and tiddies. See you all in 2025! ♡

2024 FIC STATUS

Number of fics posted: 56 (I'm shook myself)

Number of fics in progress: 17 (for now...)

TOP 3 MOST POPULAR FICS OF 2024

Thot Hour (1.7k notes) Mingyu x reader

Favourite Comments:

↳ there's nothing i love more than a man groveling for forgiveness LOL the intro alone had me hooked. i do love when he cracks tho, not able to take it anymore. we love men that are down bad for their girls 🥹🖤 @shadowkoo

↳ #im jealous i wanna dream about some yoga mat fun too @luvseungcheol

Nom Nom (1.5k notes) Seungcheol x reader

Favourite Comments:

↳ #what the fuck!!!!#screaming without the s#the way i already think bout this man’s tiddies 24/7 and now THIS????#about to reach levels of delusion never before seen in humankind I mean that with full seriousness and as a warning @nightshadeblooming

↳ #used as a wallpaper???#this is vile#EUNHA YOU'RE FUCKING VILE#svtiddiess has never been more accurate before @multi-kpop-fanfics

↳ #SCREECHING HERE#need to mark him up good and proper#like fr fr#that man NEEDS to be bitten#I dont make the rules#I just enforce them @whipped-for-kpop-fics

Sex Education (1.3k notes) Mingyu x reader

Favourite Comments:

↳ Oh sexy nerd 😩👄💗 @thepoopdokyeomtouched

↳#SUBBIE GYU IS MY WEAKNESS#oh my lord#oh my fuck @feat-sun

MOST RECENT FIC OF 2024

Moonlight (posted 28/12/2024) Jeonghan x reader

Favourite Comments:

↳ The way you wrote this I felt like I was actually there @do-you-remember-summer-127

MOST LONGEST FIC OF 2024

Green Eyes And Confessions (3.9k words) Mingyu x reader x Wonwoo

Favourite Comments:

↳ #I HAVE READ THIS APPROXIMATELY THREE TIMES NOW. OR A LITTLE MORE#the buildup??? delicious. conniving mingyu??? scrumptious.#WONWOO'S SWITCH UP??? ABSOLUTELY DELIRIUM-INDUCING @kwondotcom

↳ Rereading this while in heat was not a good idea 😖 but a GREAT idea 🥵😝💦💦 @brownbunnyb

PERSONAL FAVOURITE FIC OF 2024

Quiet Baby Seungcheol x reader

My first ever smut fic! The one that started it all. It might not be my best work, as I've improved a lot since then but it'll always hold a special place in my heart ♡

Favourite Comments:

↳ #unintelligible thoughts#as for enjoying it?#yes#thoroughly#in fact#im logging off till i recover#you have @svtiddiess to thank#yes i know i participated#but this?#😭😭😭😭😭#shambles @brownsugarbaybee

↳ Me when i realized there's only one choi seungcheol and i can never have him this way #SCREAMMMMINGGGGG WITHOUT THE S#you did so well bby 🩷#the jumpscare in the middle of the cafe was worth it @tomodachiii

FAVOURITE READS OF 2024

⭑.ᐟ Troublemaker by @whipped-for-kpop-fics ⭑.ᐟ Hush by @sailorrhansol ⭑.ᐟ The Intruder's Eyes by @miabebe ⭑.ᐟ Creature's Of Desire by @ddeonghwa-s ⭑.ᐟ Tease by @gyuzgrl ⭑.ᐟ Anything And Always by @miabebe ⭑.ᐟ Calendar Killer by @miabebe ⭑.ᐟ Sixth Sense by @gyuzgrl ⭑.ᐟ Crossroads by @smileysuh ⭑.ᐟ $60 billion by @onlyseokmins

MY TOP TRACKS OF 2024

➣ LALALI - Seventeen ➣ Rain - Seventeen ➣ Whiplash - Aespa ➣ Supernova - Aespa ➣ Igloo - Kiss of Life ➣ 1-800-hot-n-fun - Le sserafim ➣ Kazino - BIBI

GOALS FOR 2025

✮ Finish and publish all wips and write more! ✮ Adopt a more active lifestyle. ✮ Get back into reading books.

No pressure tags: @tomodachiii @welcometomyoasis @soo0hee @chanranghaeys @c-oupsie @pochaccoups @diamonddaze01 @ylangelegy @brownsugarbaybee @miabebe

+ anyone who wants to do it!

[rottenpumpkin13]

Hope no one minds if I drop an angst prompt here?

So I was rereading the three pieces where Genesis realizes Angeal & Sephiroth think his voice is annoying and shuts down emotionally and tries to change his entire self bc the realization hurts him so bad, and Zack becomes basically the only person he feels safe around, right

And I got to thinking.

Idk where I first read it, but a lot of stories seem to paint Genesis as being generally quite liked by SOLDIER. So in this whole situation, where somehow only Zack picks up on Genesis’ pain, I think at least a few other 2nd/3rd classes also seem to notice, and Kunsel makes the connection between Genesis’ shutdown and his extremely changed behaviour around Angeal and Sephiroth, and consults with Zack for answers… and then discreetly lets the rest of SOLDIER know and they all close ranks around Genesis and like. Shield him from Sephiroth & Angeal a little

Like… I’m not that much a sucker for angst on most days but this image wouldn’t leave me… where instead of telling his superiors off in that discussion Zack bites his tongue and closes off from them too, and Angeal and Sephiroth have to figure out from themselves just why their whole department seems to have gotten so much colder with them recently, and why Genesis seems quieter and less around, and why Zack isn’t so bouncy anymore… more clipped and unhappy… and seems to get angrier with them everytime Angeal tries to help.

(Because damn, apparently Zack’s mood is his top concern, a kid he’s known for maybe a couple of years at most now, meanwhile his childhood friend that he grew up with doesn’t seem to rate with the same priority despite the frankly obvious pain.)

Meanwhile Genesis finds himself with a lot more company from the seconds and thirds than he’s had before, and discovers that more than a few of them like mystery novels just like he does, and a couple even know LOVELESS with the same love as him, and hey! This young man has read the same novel Genesis just finished, wasn’t that twist at the end a surprise? And slowly mealtimes kinda evolve into a SOLDIER book club (slash Secret Genesis Support Group) as Genesis slowly mellows out and finds his spark again, surrounded by like-minded individuals who not only respect him but seem to actually like him.

It’s nice. Genesis… is less lonely these days.

Are there three parts to it? I can only find Part 1 and Part 2. I swear I need to re-write it chronologically and post it as a proper fic someday. I'm surprised people bring it up from time to time ^^

-

Angeal sensed that something was off first, not because of the sharp glances that sliced past him like knives as he walked through the base. He wasn't oblivious to the silent hostility that clung to the atmosphere at SOLDIER—operatives who once greeted him with cheery waves, who he made it a point to befriend, were now avoiding eye contact, offering cold shoulders.

It was subtle at first, a missed "good morning" here, averted gazes there, but Angeal had prided himself on his keen awareness of the people around him. He valued camaraderie, not just with his fellow SOLDIERs but with anyone who kept the place running. He'd spent years building alliances, and now those connections seemed to be fraying, and he couldn't put his finger on why.

It wasn't even Genesis' absence that made him question things, although Gaia knew his best friend was tempestuous. Genesis had a way of shutting people out when the mood struck him, sometimes for hours at a time, but never like this. One day, they'd be sparring partners, the next, Genesis would disappear into his head.

But that wasn't the case this time.

No, what truly made Angeal's blood run cold was seeing Zack and Genesis together in the lounge. Shoulder to shoulder, laughing. Talking. Giggling, even. As though they were old friends. Which they weren't.

The sight was jarring, uncanny in a way Angeal couldn't immediately put into words. He knew Genesis' thoughts on Zack, had heard them whispered in passing, dripping with disdain. To Genesis, Zack was no more than a puppy—an overeager, naive child, a burden Angeal had taken under his wing. Genesis had always mocked the younger SOLDIER, never failing to throw a cutting remark his way whenever the boy's chipper greetings came his way. Yet here they were, sharing a closeness that felt….natural, which made it unnatural in its own sense.

And then there was Sephiroth, whose realization came like a slap to the face—almost literally. He passed Zack in the hallway.

Sephiroth had never been one for small talk, but always recognized Angeal's student with a curt nod, even mustering a slight smile. He expected, at the very least, a polite return gesture. But Zack rolled his eyes and turned away, as though Sephiroth wasn't even worth acknowledging.

Sephiroth had actually stopped mid-stride, confused. Had he done something to offend Zack? Was there something he had missed? For a moment he just stood there, watching Zack's back as he walked away, the sting of rejection unfamiliar and unwelcome.

It was more than just a bad mood. It was more than just Genesis going through one of his bouts of creative isolation. Sephiroth and Angeal shared that same coiling dread in their stomachs, that sense of something being broken and irreparable. They'd tried reaching out—both of them. They had knocked on Genesis' door, called his phone, but every time they got close, something, someone intervened. A Second, or even a Third Class SOLDIER, would always swoop in, whisking Genesis away before they could speak.

And the numbers… Gaia, the numbers. The Seconds and Thirds came in packs now, always flanking Genesis wherever he went. Always three or five of them, hanging on his every word, giving him attention, wanting his attention.

The popularity which had already been impressive seemed to have ballooned overnight. He was adored. While Angeal and Sephiroth were left untouched and unwelcome.

They'd never cared much for being liked, and neither of them needed the validation of the ranks. But it wasn't about that. It was about the absence, the hollow space Genesis had once filled between them. His voice was now missing from their lives—his laughter, the dramatic readings of Loveless, the playful teasing about Angeal's choice of shirts or Sephiroth's ridiculous wet hair after the showers. He was their friend, their third piece, and now he was gone.

And then came the breaking point. Zack refused to train with Angeal, refused to even follow orders from Sephiroth. That was when they cornered Kunsel, one of the few who never failed to have an ear to the ground, always knew what was going on and would never refuse intel.

But the answer they received wasn't what they were expecting.

"Why do you care?" Kunsel had asked, voice casual, like it was the most ridiculous question in the world. "Don't you find him annoying?"

It hit Angeal and Sephiroth like a slap to the face they needed.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

You mentioned that some of the most well-written fics you've come across are tomarrymort so do you have any recs?? Bc I love and agree with your interpretation of Harry but I haven't found a lot of people who write him that way 

Okay, I've gotten a lot of fic recs asks, so I'll explain again that I don't really have a fic rec list and why.

I used to read a lot of HP fics like 3-4 years ago, but not anything recent, so I don't feel comfortable recommending a story I don't really remember anything about. Now, there are two reasons I kinda stopped reading HP fics:

1. The more I wrote, the more incapable I became of reading like a reader. Instead, I often found myself reading like an editor and going: "Oh, I'd rephrase this sentence to remove 3 words," which sucks when reading fic.

I sometimes manage to turn it off, but it kinda sucks the fun out when I don't switch it off properly. This is 100% a me problem and why I just chose not to engage with fics often times.

2. I decided to reread the books 3-ish years ago after I haven't looked at an HP book for about a decade. After my reread I found none of these fics I loved fit the image I had in my head for the characters and/or the wizarding world. The stories were still well crafted, but I couldn't enjoy reading them without seeing the discrepancies from canon. Not even talking about my own headcanons here, just, canon proper.

All this caused a situation where I don't really want to read any of the fics I loved because none of them really portray the story/world/characters I want to read. Again, 100% a me problem, so I just stopped reading. I stopped searching for HP fics entirely.

But I still wanted to read HP fics. And a lot of them. So what did I do?

I wrote them for myself. I have so many unfinished HP fic wips in my docs. I'm talking about 70 wips here ranging from 6K to 70K words. There are so many and most of them aren't going to ever be finished (A matter of Chance will be finished because I have a plan and I promised). Some of the older ones don't portray the characters and the world the way I would now because my writing (and view on the wizarding world) has changed throughout the last few years of analyzing the books the way I do now.

This is why I can't really recommend something I read 3 years ago, because 3 years ago my thoughts about the characters and world-building were different and I can see it in my own works too.

So, sorry, I just don't feel comfortable reccing fic since I haven't read any recently enough.

[rs-hawk]

Do you have any writing tips? Even if it’s not necessarily for smut?

I won’t be touching on tips for smut at all on this post but I can make a separate post for it if y’all want.

My Top 10 Writing Tips

Love all your characters. Yes, even your antagonists. Hell, especially your antagonists. Even if they’re evil for the sake of being evil, if you want a 3 dimensional character, you have to acknowledge that they’re more than just evil to someone. Their mother. Their friends. Their dog. You have to think of their motivations, and honestly?-acknowledge that every character you write has a part of you in them. Maybe just your anger, your fear, your trauma, but love them for that, and it’ll shape them and your works in ways you never thought of.

Don’t reread your work too often! It’s hard (so very very hard) but when you have to crank out 2k words a day every day of the month but 2 it gets easier. Lol. Fr though just keep chugging along. You can reread later. You can edit later. Just get it done.

Don’t edit too much while you’re still actively writing. I know that’s hard, I really do, but if you keep rewriting, you’ll never be able to finish. You’ll keep writing a handful of scenes over and over again until you hate it, your book and yourself for “giving up”. You can edit later.

Write for yourself. It doesn’t matter how good of a writer you are, how beautiful or eloquent your style, if you hate it with every fiber of your being, it’ll turn to dust in your hands. I consider writing work, and when people enjoy themselves at work, not only do they do better, but the consumer enjoys it more. Think about it. If you’re at a restaurant and the workers are laughing and smiling with each other and seem genuinely happy, you’re more likely to go back than if they’re miserable, on the verge of tears and seem to hate being there, right? The same is true for your writing. Readers will enjoy it more if they can feel how much you enjoyed creating it.

Don’t just write. Listen to music. Get up and go for a walk. Text/call a friend. Watch a TV show. Pet your cat. Experience something. It helps you write but it also reminds you that hey, you’ve been here like eight hours. Get something to drink. Take a screen break. Go outside.

Be comfortable while you write. I’m not going to lecture you on posture because I’m currently laying down with my legs drawn up under me, my upper body turned and my phone in the air because I’m trying to put enough pressure on my lower back to pop it. Anyway, even if you can’t stay in one position long, switch. Listen to your body. A “proper” posture can end up hurting you if you don’t ever relax or if you’re putting too much pressure on your lower spine. It’s okay to lean. It’s okay to lay down. It’s okay to sit cross-legged. Just not at the expense of your body. Be aware, and don’t forget to get up and stretch!

Take breaks. Eat. Drink. Stretch. Go to the bathroom. Some people need them scheduled, and that’s fine, but also listen to your body. If you need to use the toilet but you don’t have another break scheduled for an hour, just go. Pause your timer or delay your alarm if you want, but take care of yourself.

Don’t be too rigid with your “starting” plot. We know most of us have that one scene or one character in mind we want to write, so we create a plot around them. That’s fine and I love it, but your writing is like a living creature. You might change while writing it. Your characters and ideas might change while writing it. Let them change. Let you change! You can edit later.

Remember it’s not a race. Just because you see some people dropping 3 novels a year, or 5 Tumblr posts every day doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. No one can write what you write. No one can create what you can create. Your work deserves to exist and be judged on its own merit. Not compared to anyone else’s, even if it’s you five years ago who could crank out multiple posts daily. It’s okay.

Don’t expect anything. Start writing because you love it. It makes you happy. It itches that part of your brain that no other hobby does. That no other love does. I’ve been writing for about 15 years now. I don’t know who I am without it. I have tried giving it up, moving past it, doing other things, but I always come back. Nothing else makes me feel the way writing does. I have gone years without writing, but when I start writing again, it’s like a high. I can go for hours, and I have! I have been lucky to be able to monetize my work, but it took 10+ years and was only because I got goofy about werewolves on a PTR app. You can’t go into the arts and expect to make money right away, or ever. You can hope, and do your best, but don’t only do it because you think you’ll make a living. It’s a sad but real fact. Capitalism makes us think we should only do stuff we can make money off of, but that’s a lie. You can AND SHOULD create just to create. Humans are meant to make art, and if writing is your canvas like it is mine, write to create. Fuck capitalism. Your art existing is enough reason to create it.

[eggcatsreads]

January Reading Wrap-Up

Read: 15 books

DNF (Did Not Finish): 2 books

Favorite Book of January: The Gilded Crown by Marianne Gordon

Least Favorite Book of January: My Funny Demon Valentine by Aurora Ascher (DNF'd at 16%)

Genres read: Horror (5), Fantasy (4), Science Fiction (1), Historical Fiction (3), Thriller (2)

See under the cut for book descriptions and links to my Goodreads Reviews!

[I have all the books included in my pinned post, but this is more specific for each book this month instead of just book titles and star ratings!]

Genre: Horror

Gruesome Getaway - RN Cogley: 4/5 - Review

A vacation at a strange village suddenly turns into a slasher movie.

Motheater - Linda H Codega: 4/5 - Review

Something is killing the miners in Kire Mountain, and the woman investigating them must team up with an Appalachian witch to uncover why.

But Not Too Bold - Hache Pueyo: 4/5 - Review

Sapphic monster romance between an enormous humanoid spider and the woman tasked with helping her.

Hungerstone - Kat Dunn: 4/5 - Review

A sapphic Carmilla retelling where a strange woman upends Lenore's life and forces her choose her own destiny.

These Vengeful Wishes - Vanessa Montalban: 4/5 - Review

A teenage girl discovers a magical wishing well that causes unexpected consequences, and discovers a bloodline curse haunting her family.

Genre: Fantasy

The Generation Archives - RR Boxall: 5/5 - Review

A dystopian fantasy where a young girl realizes she has to confront everything she thought she knew to learn who she truly is - and survive.

Hull and Fire - James W Cutter: 4/5 - Review

A ship appears after 9 years at sea, and the captain's children are forced to flee on the same ship when xenophobia begins to spread onto their doorstep.

The Gilded Crown - Marianna Gordon: 5/5 - Review

A young woman who can bring back the dead and the princess she's forced to keep alive try to survive together in this tale about oppressive religious structures that aim to choke out any dissenting voices.

The Outcast Mage - Annabel Campbell: 4/5 - Review

A mage who can't do proper magic must escape to learn how to control her strange powers before she - and those in charge - destroy everyone around her.

Genre: Science Fiction

Nytho - Sheri Singerling: 4/5 - Review

An AI gains sentience and one woman has to do everything she can to free him.

Genre: Historical Fiction

Grimm Curiosities - Sharon Lynn Fisher: 2/5 - Review

A young woman has to run her late father's shop and care for her ailing mother - while strange things begin to happen around her.

Epic of Helinthia - MJ Pankey: 5/5 [Reread] - Review

A small group of people must try to unite to overthrow the Anax and replace him with the rightful heir of Apollo - before the world around them is destroyed in famine.

Oracle of Helinthia - MJ Pankey: 5/5 - Review

The heir to Helinthia is found - but with war on the horizon and the people uprising in unrest, allies are hard to find among the spies.

Genre: Thriller

Death in the Downline - Maria Abrams: 4/5 - Review

Trying to be a "Girl Boss! #SheEO" in this MLM scheme might just kill you.

This Girl's a Killer - Emma C Wells: 5/5 - Review

Cordelia Black is a serial killer - but only to men who deserve such a fate.

[birbwell]

i was around halfway through the POTE book when i saw u mention that there were a few things you thought the game adapted/built upon better & i planned to ask you what those were specifically when i finished reading (since at that point i thought the book was equal to the game and better in quite a few parts) however.. now that ive finished i can 100% see it and im pretty sure i can guess 😭 but i'm still curious to hear your comparisons!

i wanted to wait till i reread the book again so i can do a proper comparison but that can take a while, so i'll just sum up what i do remember: while the book has a million details about the characters that you can sink your teeth in, cut events and arcs that def enhances the narrative, the game ties in the overall themes n character growth better than the book ever could.

cont. with spoilers under the read-more:

to me philip's story has always been about saving that scared little boy in the welsh countryside all those years ago. protecting his family. to that end he's always admired father peter, the man who saved them with the fear of god, and also with Rank. he becomes the best little monk in their monastery, sharper and more diligent than his peers, but his head grows big. his problem of pride.

he has an earnest desire to help people but he wants to be the Man when he does it. his rush of righteous fury. the way he restrains himself under praise- but he glows when he thinks of being the prior under whom the cathedral grows. you know.

im a little foggy on the details of the book's ending but the point is mainly that he becomes bishop, presiding over a king who has to beg for forgiveness under him. which. Fine. but the disconnect from the groundwork you've laid.

but the game? philip writes a controversial book about how the clergy doles out miracles as is convenient for them, and how the lowliest criminals and the pope himself are equally close to god. this pisses off the high clergy, but delights waleran, who uses this as a bullet against philip. philip puts on a brave face during the trial, and (at least was my choice), by pleading guilty to the charges, asserts that he wholly stands by his beliefs. the following trial reveals the Church to be a shitshow, but ultimately decides he is Guilty.

philip is sentenced to burn on the pyre. people see a martyr, but it's entirely a political show- because here's where the convenient miracle comes in. and it's so very convenient for the both of them. because bishop henry now needs a miracle to save face for the church. and philip? it's his biggest "i told you so". his largest most shit eating grin. he could not be happier being tied to that pyre. he's right. he's always been right. henry sparing him with a miracle was the proof he needed, and i'm sure he gave it to philip through gritted teeth

he's been weary of the institution for so long in his life, and knows he could never stop the Machine that is the Church. henry gets his spectacle, philip keeps his life, the lives of those he loves, his priory, and the promise that all debts have been paid, and henry tells him to never pull that shit with the Church again.

then he goes back to st john in the forest.

[nie7027]

{{I've had this draft saved literally since April 18th 2019 but I didn't post it back then because I wanted to finish the super5 headcanons first... which i of course havent done.

But I think it's finally time I post it.

I reread it recently and I don't think it's as spoilery of other wips as I had initially and thought and its related to the other stuff I'm gonna post soon so why not use it as a preview for it?

Anyway it finally is here. I hope you enjoy this tiny list of headcanons}}

Mob psychobook headcanons

These could actually apply to any social red but Psychobook is the one i know besides Tumblr (and no, none of them have tumblr...maybe just Seri)

Teru's

Teru's used to be the typical popular kid psychobook where used to he the typical popular kid psychobook where he posted pics of the parties he went("Crazy night guys, thanks for inviting me!), his soccer matches ("Another victory for Vinegars soccer team. You are welcome~") and trainings(even some from his personal training when it didnt end that bad), the food he ate at the new trendy coffe he went and the obligatory selfie every couple of days that will make his notifications blow up everytime with likes and comments

Now he sometimes still does those but he posts mostly pics of nice sights he finds on his bicycle routes, pics of him hanging with his friends/new family or the lastest fuck up Reigen did

He, Shou and Tome are invested in a meme competition. Whoever makes Mob laugh the loudest wins. Sadly they have to be with him so he can see them.

Rarely Terus posts a pic of him & Mob (or Mob alone) with the emoji equivalent of a gay keysmash and when he does it drives crazy the whole alumnae of Vinegar middle school, everybody wondering who is that bland looking guy and what Teru meant by that.

Mob's

Mob's used to be empty but now it's filled with pics Tome posts of their karaoke outings, pics where the body improvement club tag him and Terus, shous and tomes memes

But he rarely uses it and doesnt get to see them. Still he likes the milk memes teru found (do those even exist?)

Thats why he doesnt know he has basically become the body improvements star. Captain musashi and the others tend to photos of him with inspirational quotes (warrio male kind of) in the club page to attract new reclutees

After terus mysterious post a swarm of Vinegar students tried to add him as friend

But Mob thinks they are internet weirdos and ignores their invitation

It's actually Dimple who uses it more

Ritsu's

Ritsus used to be th pristine psychobook profile proper of a student council member. He had added the majority of the school and he made posts of the schools next event, resolutions the council had reached after their last session or answered any question any student could have but was to shy to personally ask.

His most personal post where the seldom book quotes he posted from the lastest book he read and liked.

Everything changed with Shou

The students didnt know who he was but suddenly this random kid started to tag Ritsu in even more random posts(most of them hamster related...Ritsu liked all of them?) and post pics of him AND RITSU doing the weirdest things you could imagine

Theres a pic of Ritsu with the most ridiculous susprised face(thats the most expressive people have seen him?? Whats going on?) in front of a microwave in flames. The fact shou edited it with a caption saying "And he didnt believe me eggs could explode" didnt help

Theres another of them hangin at the tallest part of the city (people dont undertsmad how is that even possible? You cant even acces that area)

And theres even a blurry pic that looks like they are running away from a police car

Shinji, who knows whats Ritsu is truly capable of, likes each of those pics

Everybody in Salt middle school is confused. But the only thing they get is Ritsus "Sorry" to Kamuro when the council president makes a blank comment in the infamous police pic.

They quickly recognize Shou as the kid that sometimes flies(yeah FLIES) besides Ritsus classroom or sneaks in the school

Shou's

The only reason Shou made a psychobook profile was to keep in contact with the espers that helped him during the domination arc

But he quickly realizes how useful it is to annoy Ritsu when he is bored

Besides the memes and Ritsu pics, his psychobook is full of interesting facts of different animals and reblogs of drawings from artist he follows and tutorials

As Mob he was invaded by a swarm of vinegar students once he appears in one of Terus pics. He accepts all of them the same way he accepted Ritsus classmates. It ends well for him because that way his drawing are seen by many peoplea and he receives lots of likes.

It takes a while but he finally unblocks Seri one day. Seri likes each and every thing he posts and makes encouraging comments on his drawings.

Serizawa's

Seri had a profile during his isolation days where he added many "friends" (random internet weirdos) with whom he talked about the things he liked and the media he consumed

Once he rejoins society with the Spirits and such cre he makes a new personal profile

He only has his family, the spirits and such crew, his school friends and the super5 added but thats all he needs

He follows many cooking and baking pages and once he learns to cook he saves the recipes he wants to try

He doesnt know if he cried more the day Shou unblocked him or they day Teru put him as his dad.

Minegishis

Minegishi only has the super5, Mob Ritsu, Tome and his coworkers added as friends

He follows many pages about plants and how to take care of them and pages that post downloadable audiobooks for Shimazaki

He rarely posts but he likes all the posts where he is tagged.

His elder coworkers tag him in lovely pictures of flowers with inspirational quotes. He likes those too.

The other super5 make fun of him for this but they secretly like them, especially those that talk about being a good person.

He follows many trolling pages too but never reblogs them. He doesnt want the other to know where he gets some of his humor sense.

Hatori

Hatori follows mostly memes pages, specially those about programming because he can "relate"

He say he understands them. (He doesnt)

He almost fell for the "delete system32 to make you computer faster" joke but his coworkers stopped him. He passed it as him messing around

Shibata's

Shibata follows personal trainers and healthy foods pages

He and Seri swap recipes they find and think the other might like

He saves exercises routines and tries to convince the other super 5 to try them with him.

Specially Hatori, he needs them.

He is only succesful when he finds those routines based on fictional characthers

It doesnt last much

He follows the body improvement club page. He actually sends some of the quotes that end up in some of the Mobs pics.

Shimazaki's

Shimazaki doesnt have a psychobook per se

It's a bot that hatori made to post "uwu" ":3" or "nyas~" every once in a while

The profile pic is the photo they took of Shimazaki wearing the prank glasses

Sometimes the other super5 post photos of their hang outs

"Its our register of Shimazakis progress!" says Hatori

Sometimes it receives messages from internet weirdos and most of them go along the lines of "Weren't you the guy that kidnapped the prime minister?".

The others are horny texts.

They delete all of them.

Tome's

Tomes psychobook can be considered the normalest of the spirits and such crew.

Even though half of her posts are cospirational thories and supposedly aliens sightings

Apart from that she has the normal amount of friends ("Seriously guys, why do you have every random you find added?") and posts a regular amount of pics of her hangouts

Besides the memes. Teru and she share LGBTQ content they find interesting

Seri somehow is the first to know about the lastest news of the videogames they follow and tags her on them

She edits Terus posts of Reigen fuck ups and turns them into memes. The super5, Ritsu and Dimble(using Mobs profile) always like them.

Its on psychobook where she organizes the telepathy club next reunion

She has been nagging Mob and Take to use their psychobooks more so they can see in time what they are planning to do

Takenaka's

Take has enough with the whole wind reading thing. Good luck trying to convince him to make a psychobook profile.

Reigen's

Since his birthday during the separation arc Reigen decided to completeley get away from his psychobook seeing as how little those persons cared for him

But he forgets to delete the app

So one day his phone cant stop blaring with notifications and when Reigen picks it up to see what the hell was going on

He had messages and messages of exfriends congratulating him for his son and saying things like "Wow Reigen, you had it very closeted" "we didnt know you were so private" "who is the lucky mother?"

Teru had put him as his dad

Reigen was having an existencial crisis and needed some comfort so he started searching Seri

Only to find him crying because Teru did the same to him

They ended togeyher as a crying mess sprawled over the couch. Only Dimple got to see them like that

So writing my fanfic "Sunflower" made me think of these headcanons but i couldnt post them then because i hadnt finished the super5 headcanons and didnt want to spoil some things. As you can see this finally shows what Ive been saying of "College funds", "Sunflower" and the "super5 headcanons" taking place in the same universe.

Really, i wrote down a timeline of how these things overlap and can tell you what the s&s crew were doing while shimazaki was fucking around or what the super5 were doing while the crew celebrated terus birthdays.

[lucy-the-cat]

Priority List (Factoring in Poll)

Rereading the Iliad - I need to get Castor and Pollux's characterizations right, which means consulting the source material. On book 17, will prob finish in a week or two (hopefully a few days so I don't have to take out a new copy bc I'm returning home).

Writing Daughter of Zeus - still stuck on chapter six, making progress. Will prob take min all summer to get the first draft out

Answering asks - I'm almost finished with my backlog from a few months ago, just need to finish the swoonworthy mareven moments one which I need my copy of book one for that I left at home . . . so finishing up with a week or two bc I go home on wednesday. I did get one long ask recently and six more asks this morning and another one as I was typing this so this is still a priority but not really one I think I have to announce

Bday present for a friend - first priority after DoZ and the Iliad bc May has hit. Back up plan is to show her what I have of my first draft of DoZ if it's not finished by her bday, might show her anyway as a bonus lol, as well as what I have of my Hera poetry collection bc she wrote me a novel for MY birthday, which is insane (affectionate). With a few notes about some of the jank in it of course. Hopefully finished on Wednesday on the ride home (several hours, I'm not driving) but you won't see it til the end of May.

Stay in the Light - May 9th maybe? May 10th? physical classes have ended, papers due on the 5th, extension potentially to 6th with missing assignments due on the 10th

Rebel's Song - next chap by May 14th prob

Blood Deep - Same, or the 21st

Iron Will - the 17th? the 28th? we'll see

Second bday present for a friend - will start on the first day of June, will move to after DoZ on June 21st. Start of a fun longfic, will prob take a while to conclude. Trust me, you'll like it

Red Ruse first draft edits - finally at a place where I might make changes, we'll see. proper update (like a new chapter) by the end of June I think.

Red Ruin chapter one - First week of July at the earliest, but it won't be posted until the whole fic is halfway done.

Blood of the Covenant chapter three - Update by early June

God's Cursed - June 7th?

renegade - finish by June 14th I think, will save for Maven's Birthday

bad ideas and champagne bottles - idk june 21st? Mareven week day 5, pretty simple

Roman Holiday - I thought I would have more trouble writing this bc of my medical issues with NSFW stuff atm, but I've been scrolling through some NSFW tags and got ~ I N S P I R A T I O N ~, and I think I can combine them with some good character moments. Posted in June, maybe even May

Solar Eclipse chapter two - low-ish on the list, also in the process of discovery writing. update July 1st? Maybe before that

Jon POVs of Canon - shaping up to be a multi part series, like 3-5 oneshots. Will post one every week of October leading up to Halloween, so starting new ones in July. Finished first one lol

another friend bday gift - part of an ongoing series, might take a lot of words lol. Finish end of June? post in August

fourth friend bday gift - non rq fandom, mythology related, will share with her in August

first new Lover's Curse chapter - Beginning of July

Newblood Queen - pains me how low this one is on the list, but you voted. July 7th? 14th?

So like 12-14 (I counted like three different numbers) updates by July 14th scattered across that many fics (a lot of them are being saved for later/or are related to originals). I think I can do this now that I have free time and less pressure. Hopefully I get more out because I want to have some long fics finished by the end of the year . . . anyway

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

I grab the microphone as I walk onto the stage. I adjust the microphone stand about eight times before I just wrestle the microphone out of the stand. I look at my piece of paper and heavily sigh into the microphone before dropping it and walking off stage, my pace progressively quickening so I can fall to my knees and contemplate everything through suppressed giggles. Don't. Use. Hashtags.

Sorry this. Was supposed to be short. It. It really was. But then I noticed A Thing and it stopped being short. I don't know how Long is considered Long but it's like... a length of words that is about the same length as the picture displayed above. Perhaps a bit more than that. It's a mouthful. Something to read while waiting in line for them to call your order.

Did he answer that first question just so he could take it away from Roary so Roary couldn't rat him out for where he's been or. Yknow maybe. Gaaahhh fuck he has an ego I say as if this is new information.

"So he DOES care about whether he smells like C.L.O.N.C work smell or not!!" <- shouldn't have been my first thought. As if "Evil Emissions" clarifies anything for me. Colognes normally have funny names anyway like "Nirvana Bourbon" or "Jazz Club" or "Dylan Blue". I don't know what any of those smell means they're all just vibes. I want to throw something at him. Not just anyy cologne, specifically his FAVORITEeee okay I'm moving on from this.

First it was mentions of vacationing at Potion Ocean in the biography and now this. Which fine, going to a beach is normal, but it is such a counter to him hiking up Mount Sillimanjaro so often as well. Do temperatures exist to him. HDEYYYYY HOLD ON OHOLD ON HOMD THE PHONE GRABBING THE PHONE RIPPING IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS YANKING IT. HOLD IT. Sorry I WAS GOING TO make fun of "How to Lose Friends and Manipulate Monsters" is such a. What a title. But what do you mean YOUR villain-y best seller ARE YOU WRITING FUCKING BOOKS OUT HERE AS WELL...??? AND WHYS IT A BEST SELLER THERE'S LIKE FIVE OTHER VILLIANS WHO IS BUYING IT. Only one of us can have twenty different freaking hobbies why are you also writing and selling books and why are you rereading your own book . I mean okay I completely get rereading your own book but you say it like this is the twentieth time. Where are you finding time to write a book. Who published it. Did you take over an agency or threaten someone into publishing it. Of course there's a book. I literally did not realize that sentence until writing this right now. I was just going to make fun of the fact that that's a book he's reading but dammit it's HIS book. Are you for real right now. Thats how you're spending a holiday vacation. It is not possible for someone to have time for all this villainous stuff and to also write songs and host TV shows and make guest apperences on other shows and an album and to also go through the process of writing a book. What the Hell. I don't. Understand. And you still have the free time to hand-write letters to fore-warn the local magazine place that you'll be taking it over, assuming it is the occasion where you decide to forewarn in the first place. Okay fine. I get it. You finished school when you were like I don't know I forgot age of four or something like you're Young Sheldon and then you went to a University and whatever but. It's just. And you still have the time to be pompous and proper and irritating and so frustrating to everyone around you. AND YOU HAD TIME TO TRY RUNNING AS A POLITICIAN AT SOME POINT AND COMMITING FRAUDULANT VOTES AND. I'm done IM DONE.

I walk back onto the stage and grab the microphone and throw it as far as I can, and turn around before I know whether it hit someone or not. Close the damn curtains, cut the cameras, case closed, TEDTalk canceled. Nothing left to say here. I can't even say I hope he gets banned from every store and the streets because he probably already is that's basically what a Wanted poster is. I can't say I want to take over his stupid computer monitors and do something like have one for discord, one for streams, one for Game, one for random tabs open, so on and so forth, ruining his ability to do his dumb surveillance cameras over Monstro City, because then that would give me a reason to have to spend more time in the lair in the first place and therefore more time around him. I kick a pinecone across the street. I open my mouth like I'm about to say something again and throw my hands up in the air but I'm cut off by the noise of a loud PANG because I tossed myself face first into a big metal telephone pole. Ow. I stare in horror up at the sky. I don't know if I'm wincing in pain because of the pole and the sunlight or if it's because my word count for the things I say about him is increasing an ample amount. This was supposed to be a summary of my thoughts but some Breaking News happened and turned into a LIVE viewing.

[aquaquadrant]

hey aqua, i'm here to ramble about your stupidly amazing au that's got me bouncing off the walls between chapters being posted

firstly, i put all the fics in a doc (because you know, I gotta keep track of what i've read and haven't read, and it's totally not because i want to save it forever and pass it on to my grandchildren)

the doc contains the warnings, summaries, a/n's and everything in between but i wouldn't think it would make a huge difference to the 100K WORDCOUNT

so here is is, the horrifying word count that is honestly longer than most actual published novels and the amount of pages, which to be honest, would be larger if this was actually printed in book size (font size proportionately to the page size), to which the page number would be.... too much, honestly. even I don't want to calculate that and i'm insane

now i assume you knew all this already, since you probably have also been writing this in a google doc to keep track of it, but then again docs slows down dramatically under 397 pages of brainrot-inducing writing so i dont expect you to be using it too often. if you are, congratulations and have a gold star

it's more of i'm collecting useless bits of information like this to show to whoever has read the series, because it's so good, it's so ridiculously amazing, and it so could be turned into a book if someone tried hard enough and i need people to back me up

heck, it's written so much better compared to most novels, it's just that good. i even turn to it when i don't feel like writing. i read it, and then through some miracle, i have all the writing talent and motivation in the world, seemingly having absorbed it from your work.

tldr: htpau is amazing. if you haven't read it you should read it. and it's that good that it literally could be a book. zero exaggeration. (can you tell that this thought has kept me awake many nights)

now hopefully you weren't too baffled to see such a long ask in your inbox, and hopefully you don't question me, as someone who hasn't read a proper novel in years, who has basically reread every chapter once or twice basically as soon as it comes out

i don't need therapy, i need more of your writing. (because hels no does chapter nine end like this) ba dum tss

and then, i leave you, with a gold star and many thanks ⭐

HAGAJDHJA HOLY SHIT

i do use google docs but i make a new one for every chapter for the reason u mentioned, once they’re past a certain page count it gets real slow and i don’t have the patience for that. so uh yeah, i don’t think i ever bothered to calculate the total running word count. it’s not the longest fic i’ve ever written, and i don’t think it will be by the time i finish it, but that’s definitely a NOT INSIGNIFICANT number of words, goddamn.

someone did bind one of my fics into an actual hard cover book once, just for their own personal use. man, that was sick. now i don’t think i’d ever try to alter a fic of mine to actually publish it, cuz so much of what i write hinges too much on the original content, but fan-bindings are A-OKAY so long as i get to see pics :3

anyway, no worries about the long ask, i love hearing from u guys. i’m flattered u went thru the trouble of consolidating it and i’m glad ur enjoying the au!

[roseheartauthors]

01 | Weekly udpate

Hello everyone! How are you? I hope you're all doing great. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting so much support on the blog in the past few weeks—especially since I’ve been focusing on my projects and this week I’m starting a new semester at university. I really want to thank you for that; being my first time stepping into this space on Tumblr, it makes me very happy. Reading and writing have been an important part of my life, and having this space with you makes me feel included.

With that in mind, I made this small sketch to thank you for all the support and kindness I've received in the past few days. I hope you like it!

The theme color of this blog is blue. I usually make my sketches in black and gray. However, I want to start pushing my limits and trying new things. This is a new stage in my life, and knowing that I have the support of my audience makes me very excited.

Now, let’s get to the important part of this blog: my weekly updates. It seems they have a lot to do with my readings and the projects I’m currently working on.

ABOUT MY READINGS

I’m super stuck, I won’t lie to you. Since November, I’ve been reading 'Muerte en el Pentagonito' by Ricardo Uceda. It’s a testimonial and historical account of my country’s events from 1980 to 2000. And I swear, it’s been making me absolutely furious with everyone involved except for the author. Everything I’ve read so far has only left me more shocked than I thought I would be.

However, to ease things a little, I’m currently on chapter 9 out of 20, which means we’re this close to reaching the halfway point—yippie!

Update: I’ve reached the halfway point. This is great news.

But I’m still stressed out by everything in this book. I simply can’t handle it much longer—but of course, Miss Roseheart had to read about what happened in her country, didn’t she? Anyway, that’s all from me regarding this first book.

As for my other read, it’s 'Forget My Name' by Zero Calcare. I have a strong opinion about comics, manga, and graphic novels: to me, they are literature. With that in mind, I wanted to read one of his graphic novels, and since I’ve mentioned this one, it has really caught my attention. I’ve been skimming through it digitally, but I want to write a proper review, so I need to reread it to take notes and post my thoughts here.

Now, for my to-read list: 'Shadowhunters' by Cassandra Clare—this one is an absolute must—an intensive art-focused reading of 'The Diary of Anne Frank', and 'Wings of Starlight' by Allison Saft. And you guys have no idea how badly I want to finally read this book! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BOOK FOR SO LONG!

And that concludes my weekly reading update. Please pray for me to finish 'Muerte en el Pentagonito' before March, because I need to read more books this year :(.

ABOUT MY PROJECTS

Things have been getting a little out of control when it comes to writing. Over the past few days, we’ve been working on Bloodline and some smaller projects. However, I want to focus more on Bloodline in this update. Oh, and a few more things!

As the producer and screenwriter for the episodes, we’re about to reach the stage where we start writing the scripts. However, writing a script is not the same as writing a chapter of a novel. I’ve written very few scripts in my life, but I’ve decided to take this as an opportunity. Not only am I learning about illustrated production scripts, like the ones for Bloodline, but I’m also understanding their differences from comic scripts —such as Joke’s Memories— and an anthology of comics I’ve been slowly working on.

We’ve put a lot of work into Bloodline —and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT of content.- Not just in terms of writing outlines, but also in the production of artistic material. Since we have so many ideas within the team, agreeing on things has been quite an experience. We’ve had shared ideas as well as debates on how everything should fit into the project. However, I’m really happy that everyone is satisfied with the work, and soon, several new updates will be released.

I’ll be working on a blog post focused on the comic, which will also be published on Instagram and TikTok. I’ll be sharing my process and tips that will be really helpful!

SURPRISE, I COMPLETED A DOMESTIKA COURSE!

Yes, it seems like it came out of nowhere, but I’ve finished my first Domestika course on writing! I took the 'Character Creation for Novels course', and I really enjoyed studying character development. It reinforced a lot of what I already knew, but this is just the beginning. I understand that I’m only getting started, but… I want to pursue further studies to improve myself.

I’ll be publishing my course project here soon, and I hope you’re excited because there are a few surprises that have been coming together over the past few weeks. As the university semester begins, I’ll be looking into how to better manage my time. If possible, I’d like to join the university’s theater group to strengthen my skills in visual and expressive interpretation so I can apply them when writing dialogues or important scenes. But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll focus on studying more and making the most of my time to get as much out of this blog as I can!

AND THIS WAS EVERYTHING!

Thank you so much for reading the blog, and sorry for not updating you until now. Now that my schedule will be more structured, I’ll be better organized when it comes to working on projects.

I’ll do everything I can to improve and be more active here. I’m really happy to see all the support. Though I have to admit, this is the first time I’ve received so much at once, and sometimes I feel that fear of not meeting expectations. Truly, thank you for the support. Until then, try to be happy.

[local-changling]

It was the first time in a long while my parents had left me in the house alone. They gave me strict instruction to finish my school work, to warm up my food in the microwave for only two minutes, not to leave the house under any circumstance, not to open the door, not to answer the phone.

I reviled in the freedom the empty house gave me. I hadn't told my parents but I finished the week's school work on Monday. Once their little blue car pulled out of the driveway, I wandered to the living room and flipped down all the old photos. If I didn't, I felt their eyes following me, boring down on me with silent judgement. I had enough of that when my parents were home. I layed on the rug and played chess against myself. It ended in stalemate as always. I abandonded the board without cleaning it up. Next I used a ruler to open my father's office, I spun myself dizzy in his office chair. I closed the door when I was done and ignored the insesent whining of the dead cat that made her home in our kitchen. She was an odd transparent thing with a flattened middle that I had made the mistake of talking to when I couldn't sleep a year before. I suspected that she thought she was hungry and that I should feed her.

"You can't be hungry you're dead." I told her.

She yollowed. I walked through her and sprawled over the sofa in the living room. I spent the next few hours making my way through one of my dad's philosophy books. I was a bit dull but I was sick of rereading the same ten books. I was drafting a request for more books in my head when someone knocked on the door. I got up. My parents had told me not to go out or let anyone in but they hadn't asked me to agree. It was their mistake, a request without agreement was void.

I tiptoed to the door and stretched up to reach the peephole.

I knew upon seeing the man on the other side of the door that he wasn't real, but he was a better forgery then the things that lurked at the edges of the trees and corn fields. He was tall and narrow with limbs that stuck out at odd angles. His hair was the color of bark and his eyes were dark. He wore an all black suit and a round black hat, his coat hung limply over his boney shoulders. He smiled and seemed to lock eyes with me through the door, he gestured for me to open it with a gloved hand. His smile was warm, though he had too many teeth.

I opened the door and stepped back making sure to not step past the doorway.

The man-thing clasped his hands in front of him, he examined me, his eyes reminded me of a crow's eye.

"You have too many teeth."

The man smiled again, the way adults do when they think a child is being particularly dense. "Do I?"

"Mmhm." I nodded and crossed my arms.

"Well, I apologize young lady. Proper expressions are hard to create, I'm sure you understand." his voice was neat and proper but it echoed in my head.

I shrugged. My parents often thought I was making the wrong face, that I was being difficult.

"I have the right amount of teeth." I argued and bared my teeth to show him.

He leaned forward slightly and nodded. "You certainly do." He stood up again, he was taller then the door-frame. "Now, I'm looking for a Cecilia Pierce, have you seen her by chance?"

"She's dead."

"Oh?" His expression twisted to something that was probably confusion.

"So you can leave."

"Who might you be?"

"I'm no-one."

He paused then his smile was back, "It's nice to meet you, Miss. No-One. May I come in?"

"Why'd you want to?" I frowned.

"I travelled a long while to just leave."

"Life is full of disappointment." I agreed.

"It doesn't have to be."

"It's ill-adviced to let strangers into your home, they could hurt you."

"I wish you no harm."

"Anyone can say that. Do you promise?"

The man extended a spindly hand towards me, "I promise."

I considered the hand, deep in my chest I knew the promise was sound, words could have a power if you spoke them properly and I was careful to. I took his hand and shook it once.

"Do you have a name?" I asked.

"I do not but you may call me Sir." he gave me a half bow.

"Can you play chess?"

He smiled again. "I can."

I let him in.

[burnyouwithacigarettelighter]

Omg I’m so happy you replied!! I definitely have more questions.

1. What Cillian character do you like writing about the most and why?

2. What story from your master list are you most proud of?

3. Do you personally have any fic recommendations/ must reads? Other sites included.

4. What gets you inspired to write? Following that question have you ever abandoned a fic?

5. What do you think made you a better writer? If you have any doubts about your work, how do you get past it enough to continue?

6. Is there a Cillian character that you just don’t like, or aren’t interested in watching/ writing about? (Sorry if that’s a loaded question)

omg thank u so much for this!!! i srsly love interacting w u guys, tysm for the thought provoking questions😄🙌

i think i like writing most about robert fischer:) ik it probably doesnt translate considering ive written most for jonathan crane but robert fischer is just such a little sweetheart to me,,, and can go both ways in being a sassy dom douchebag or being a sobbing daddy issues sub darling LOLLL i just think he has a lot of duality to delve into and develop (which ive definitely not done so far☠️) and it helps that his characterization in inception was also very surface level— i have a lot of wiggle room y’know??

i think im most proud of “dine & dash” which im aware probably no-one has read, but getting chris o’doyle’s sassy little dialogue down was like taming a wild beast,,, otherwise, considering my more well-known work, i rly liked writing “honey, i’m home”. i go crazy for the unhinged readers (if u couldnt alrdy tell lmaooo) and seeing jackson get messed with like that was a real treat.

i seriously just recommend anything by @mypoisonedvine,,, they’re literally genius & are the reason i started writing for cillian:)!! other mentions include kitten fics by @pictureinme and, a personal fave, @floralcyanidee’s jackson rippner mile-high club fic!!! these writers are all incredibly talented and im just blown away at their work every single time🫶

my thirst is such a big motivator for writing LMAO😭i wrote “guinea pig” ‘cus i wanted to absolute wreckkk jonathan crane and have him be a sub, and i got a 6.8k words long fic out of said thirst! music & book quotes motivate me a lot too— i spend sm time digging thru my pinterest for a good quote for the beginning of my fic its actually insane☠️and yes,,, im ashamed to say ive abandoned fics numerous times,,, but thats because they were series’, not oneshots. i get bored of series’ pretty quickly, ‘cause i feel kind of trapped by the initial dynamic or mood set in the first chapter. with oneshots, its like writing one long chapter of this trope and this kink or whatever and then its done, and i dont have to exhaust myself going back to tropes or kinks or storylines ive already done.

i think reading made me a better writer. expanding my vocabulary through the words of others was a biggie; seeing something be described in a certain way in someones story had me thinking of out-of-the-box ways to describe another thing (that doesn’t make much sense but lets pretend it does😭). i have many, many doubts about my work, like constantly, but i usually just suck it up. i sound like an attention whore but seeing the reposts & comments & tags on my other work reminds me people like what i’ve written before and certain people will enjoy what ive written now, so i should just finish my work for them. i also take like 100 years rereading my stuff until i think its good enough lmao,,,

ive kinda watched his whole roster of films (atleast ones i could actually find on the internet and not gone missing as a lost piece of media lmao) and i could probably write for any cillian character given i had a good idea and proper motivation. writing for certain characters is definitely harder for me to do though, so its likely i wont write for them/will take a long time to do so. an example is lenny miller— anna was such an insufferable movie to me, and lenny’s screentime wasn’t long at all, atleast not long enough for me to properly grasp his character. he just felt like a horny hardass fbi goof the whole time i could not take his 5’7 ass seriously😭cillian is smexy as hell in anna tho, so we’ll see😈another would probably be robert capa from sunshine,,, hes beautiful and deliciously musty in that but the whole spaceship setting kinda freaks me out (considering i know 0 zilch nada about space, spaceships, or anything of the sort, so it’d definitely be inaccurate). an au with him id definitely do, though! (with that hair of his my mind is already forming a 90s band au, guitarist!capa x singer!reader story…)

again thank u so much for these questions!! i feel like i rarely get to chat to u guys so this was well appreciated😄🫶thank you so much for reading, for sending these questions in, and for being an overall sweetheart, anon!

[oleworm]

Reading Ask! :D

2, 24, 4, 8

2. Did you reread anything? What?

Not sure if it counts because I didn’t finish it the last time, but this year I read The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce from start to finish. Read a few entries, had a laugh, copied some to my commonplace blog @ivandurak; others had me looking up whatever was going on in US politics at the time.

4. Did you discover any new authors that you love this year?

Last year I cast my net widely, and though I learned a lot I didn’t exactly “enjoy” a lot of what I was reading. For this one I decided to purposefully seek those I thought I would, and not finish stories that I didn’t think were going anywhere (I usually finish academic or non-fiction books, though I might skim if they get too repetitive).

I did find a couple: Vernon Lee’s ghostly stories, for example, for the pure hedonistic pleasure of it. I raised myself on late Victorian and Edwardian decadent literature, so meeting her was like coming across a friend of a friend after your wild years, you’ve all grown up and gotten proper jobs. And then you’re like, “Hey! Do you remember me? It’s probably better if you don’t. Hah.” I’m cool now. Cool!

Franz Kafka—not exactly new, we read The Metamorphosis for school, half a life ago. In the Penal Colony was a genuine thigh-slapper. I listened to the audiobook, and there were many moments when I thought, “Wait till I tell [x] about this!” But there are things best not writ in iron gall ink. You can fill in the rest.

Lastly Ferdia Lennon, with his first book, Glorious Exploits, but someone whether there were new releases I recommended, and I will write about it there. It’s extremely rare that I read a book the year that it came out, as for liking it—let’s say it doesn’t happen every year.

8. Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?

One of my goals was finding new authors I could dig into, as well as reading well-known works that all the cool people are talking about, and let’s say I achieved both! I also aimed to read fewer edifying but boring books and more of the fun ones even if they were cheesy.

For some reason I’ve been drawn to rock memoirs over the years, and this time I read Scott Weiland’s, the singer from Stone Temple Pilots. Reminded me of the disturbing ways we rationalise continuing to do what kills us. Can’t say I ever was at his level—didn’t have the money to burn—but I still like to look at those realities through the eyes of others. Whatever happens to the writers of this type of book, whether they recover or die, they always read like cautionary tales. As an eclectic, informally schooled reader, the thought hit me now, “Just like ‘Confessions of an English Opium Eater’!” I smile as I type this because, well, I read it way back when and it taught me nothing.

* We’re popping with associations to-day, this was a subconscious one to Julian of Norwich’s “a woman, unlearned.”

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

The Scythian Empire by Christopher I. Beckwith. I had never read a book that was specifically about the Scythian culture—cultures? So I decided to jump into this. I expected it to be about the ‘state of the art’ of Scythian history and archaeology, with descriptions of their material culture and what literary cultures had written about them, but there was precious little of that compared to repetition upon repetition of linguistic links that I had no training whether to confirm or deny as genuine or bull. Then it expanded into the Persian dynasties which, I understand there is a connection, but if I wanted to read a book about the Persians I would have found a book called The Persian Empire. Or whatever. I didn’t want to put my review of it on Goodreads because it sounded petty and mean, I suppose, the way I do now. Two stars!

[turtlecleric]

Okay. I'm rereading Symphony after the Chapter 20 bombshell because I am so Very Unwell, and I'm keeping track of my thoughts here. SPOILERS for Symphony, obviously. I quote the fic a lot, and those quotes are in bold.

[I'm making a new post for this so that it's not so obnoxiously long and annoying for everyone's dash after I finish each chapter. I'll just update this one post instead of adding more and more reblogs.]

Last Chapter Reread: Chapter 20!! This post is finally complete!

Chapter 1

I'm just... I can't stop thinking about Violist-chan right now. Even from the very first chapter, it's established that she (in my opinion) is the type of person who really goes above and beyond to be thoughtful and considerate and just plain nice to people (as long as they aren't complete jerks obviously).

She put together goody bags for her neighbors because she was going to be practicing at home for a bit, and these bags had "ear plugs, ibuprofen, a small gift card to one of the local coffee shops, two homemade cookies, and a card with your handwriting on it" as well as her cell number so people could ask her to stop if need be, like???? Are you kidding me???? That's so much effort and time and actual money spent that she put into that, and she wasn't even close to any of her neighbors (at the time) or anything, she was just being considerate. And then at April's door she offers to go get more cookies for them just to prevent any sort of argument over the cookies. Then offers Casey a discount on violin lessons. Then offers to let him use and potentially buy one of her old violins since he doesn't have one. GIRL. LEO IS RIGHT. YOU'RE TOO NICE.

On another note, have we seen the diagonal neighbor yet that wasn't home when Vi was distributing cookies? I can't remember. I wonder if they're going to be important. I'm not dismissing ANYTHING anymore.

Oh my god. Her talking to April about becoming friends -> Quick, what’s something friends do together?! “We can… grab coffee sometime?” Shit, shit, that’s a date thing, right? Fuck!

Then just after, when she's alone -> “…Friend,” you echo stupidly, trying to think of when was the last time someone had called you that. To put it gently, that's not the word most people use to describe you. THIS HURTS ME. VIOLIST DEFENSE SQUAD ROLL OUT FOR REAL, LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?? SO WHAT, HAVE PEOPLE JUST BEEN NEGLECTING AND USING HER HER ENTIRE LIFE??? I'M SO ANGRY. (But also, Grace and Sinclair are perfectly nice and friendly... I feel like Vi really struggles with making and keeping friends? So she just. Keeps herself so busy that she doesn't have time to think about how actually lonely she really is?)

that little mindfulness trip you were pretending you were definitely going to take this year no really this time is also off the books

She straight up does not take care of herself and kind of knows that? She's never her own first priority. God.

A sense of unworthiness slides down your spine like ice; it doesn’t feel proper for you to receive praise for something that should just be normal.

The first time I read this I remember thinking that she was such a good person for this mentality, but now this makes me think of the (Stupid girl. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid) stuff we've been getting lately. I'm so sad for her, I wonder if she's always struggled with negative thoughts and feelings about herself and the relationship with Alopex made it worse?

You look tired, you think, studying the bags under your eyes and the frown on your face. Do you always look this tired? Is this the face everyone sees you wear? Is this how the world knows you?

Once again. I am so sad for her.

When April runs into her and her laundry goes everywhere and she just. 'It's okay, I got it, go on, don't worry' like I'm??? SO????? I'm not mad at April or anything obviously, but this is just another instance of Vi putting herself last, behind literally everyone else. ALL SHE DOES IS GIVE GIVE GIVE.

What an excellent introduction to her character.

---

Chapter 2

Vi talking about the proper sitting technique with Casey - "You’ll get used to it. Maybe someday you’ll be like me and that’s just how you sit now.” 

This is hitting me because yes obviously she's a professional musician so it makes perfect sense, but also the idea of doing something that starts out as uncomfortable for so long, over and over and over, until it feels natural to you... kind of like how she's made being alone (in the ways that matter), staying busy, and putting others first into her normal.

God. Casey still, even after so long, having to remind himself that his life is no longer a genuine toss up every day. "Plenty of time" must have been such a foreign concept that he still struggles with at times.

Vi is genuinely so funny. I need to shower her in compliments immediately.

Ooh, you misread that one. ... “Sorry, I just assumed-"

GOD. Vi seeing a relationship between Casey and April where there wasn't one (yet). This hits different after chapter 20. Fuck.

you’re kind of desperate for pleasant things at the moment

I'm going to cry. This is literally only the second chapter and nothing has really happened yet but I'm really realizing how much I love Vi and want her to be happy. I want her to be taken care of so badly. My heart aches for her.

Donnie: "I apologize. I misunderstood.” HM. ANOTHER NOD TO MISUNDERSTANDINGS. This has GOT to be intentional. I'm so angry (impressed).

Vi, to Donnie about Casey: "if I find out that you’re being a dick, we’re going to have words.” She's so fiercely protective of others. But for herself??? Nah. Let it go, be the bigger person, blah blah blah. I'm going to fling myself into the sun.

---

Chapter 3

Baking apology cookies for April and Donnie. ONCE AGAIN. VI IS TOO NICE. GOD.

“Typical Donnie stuff,” April says, opening the oven to check on whatever smells amazing inside. “Being a smug little buttface. Jumping to conclusions. Running his big mouth.”

YEAH. YEP. TYPICAL DONNIE STUFF. GOD.

Vi just. So easily and quickly forgiving Donnie after their first meeting. Despite her justifiable anger. I'm. Gritting my teeth. (I LOVE Donnie, I will ALWAYS be a Donnie girl, but I cannot help being so, so angry with him after chapter 20.)

Leo's first appearance!! God I love him so fucking much. (I cannot wait for his talk with Vi whenever we finally make it to Saturday in the fic. I'm also slightly terrified that whatever he tells Vi will be some sort of... betrayal? I don't think my heart could take being upset with both Donnie AND Leo... we'll see.)

The pressure that Vi felt while Leo was studying her... I'm still wondering if the pressure was an actual like... mystical thing, somehow? Or if it's just his Presence, if he's just that good, that he can make his scrutiny something almost physical.

him not knowing you well enough to know you don’t normally look this exhausted

Is that even true, though? I feel like Vi IS always exhausted. How could she not be? Literally HOW does she even function, honestly?

"They’d have to get through me if they wanted to do something, and god, April, I was hoping they would, all but begging them to, I was so fucking mad—”

Once again, she is so fiercely protective of others. And I'm almost... worried about it. She really does throw herself in harms way without a second thought. I almost wonder if... some part of her welcomes some kind of... punishment or backlash or something. 'Better me hurt than anyone else' kind of thing, you know? And there was a line a few paragraphs before that - you tug on a lock of hair to distract yourself from getting too worked up - and that, paired with the recent things she's been doing in 20 and 21, gripping her arms and leaving crescent marks, pressing into the bruises Donnie left, only forcing herself to eat in front of Leo so he doesn't worry... all of that is very familiar to me in the worst way. I'm so worried about her.

you look up to see three faces looking at you with various levels of awe. It makes you sick, seeing it, knowing that they think you’re something incredible when you’re just doing the bare minimum. Your arms fold, nails digging into your biceps - again, I remember reading this the first time and thinking she was so great, and she IS, but I'm so so WORRIED about her. Also, once again, the digging nails into her skin thing. Worried. WORRIED.

(I love April so much. God. She deserves more love and attention from me, she really is such a good friend.)

Leo, you note, has been quiet for this entire conversation. You notice it suddenly ... Even when you look at him and his eyes meet your own, staring, staring, he doesn’t say anything, and his face is blank.

I'm obsessed with him. I'm obsessed with whatever is going on in his head. I'm obsessed. I was obsessed then, I'm obsessed now, I will stay obsessed. I love him.

“This was—so amazing, oh my god,” you tell April and Casey. “I’m so glad we’re friends. Can we do this all the time? I’ll bring cookies and bread and stuff.”

SHE'S SO LONELY. SHE JUST WANTS FRIENDS. VI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRIBE PEOPLE TO GET THEM TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. I'M SO GODDAMN SAD.

Leo saying Vi is good with people. And Casey earlier saying that Donnie is NOT good with people. And just. Chapter 20, with her blaming herself for not seeing what was going on. For thinking she's so stupid and everything is on her. Chapter 21, with the (Did you try?). I'm so so angry. I'm sick with it.

Vi is so smart. Putting things together and making connections and realizing things that others might miss - even Leo acknowledges it. So having the chapter 20 realization... more and more I'm convinced that, yeah sure Vi is an unreliable narrator, but I REALLY feel like Donnie is just a fucking idiot (I mean that so affectionately, I promise).

"I’d… like to have more nights like this one. To. To have a family. If I can.” “You can,” he says, reaching out a hand and laying it over yours...

Then Leo talking about how you're like Donnie, implying how it'd be fun to watch Vi and Donnie get closer... does Leo feel guilty over this now? Now that Vi is so fucking... Hurt? Does he partly blame himself for the pain she's experiencing now?

you do feel a small twinge of sympathy for how easily he dismisses his troubles

OH OTHERS DISMISSING THEIR TROUBLES???? HM. HM.

Finally, sure you’re alone and no one’s here to ever know, you let yourself cry.

Seriously, I am on the Violist defense squad for life. I would die for her. God.

---

Chapter 4

Normally you’d ignore it [her phone going off], since it’d be something innocuous like a bank notification, or maybe something as spicy as a wrong number. But you have, like, friends now. 

:( just. Reiterating how goddamn lonely she is. My eyes are actually watering over this. WE'RE NOT EVEN TO THE BIG STUFF YET AND I'M SO FUCKING SAD.

having to do a double-take when you see yourself looking positively ghoulish

Does she ever describe herself as looking good?? I'm thinking back to the aquarium, surely she thought she looked nice for that, at least, but aside from then I can't remember??? Has Donnie even once called her beautiful or pretty or even nice looking? I can't REMEMBER and I'm having FEELINGS about it.

Agreeing to make Casey some bread immediately upon being asked, even though she'd have to go to the store to get everything she needs. I get the feeling she is like 'if I make myself useful, if I pair my presence with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around' and I don't know how unconscious that whole thought process is for her but I'm seeing it a lot.

Now that you’re keeping your window locked pathologically, the old game of sneaking in via the fire escape is off the table.

Wait... did I miss something about the window staying locked? Hang on what the fuck. Is this a throwaway line or does this mean something? HANG ON I'M PANICKING NOW WHY WAS THIS ONCE A THING BUT NOW IT'S NOT????

the more you forget to eat during the season

Do not like this. That it's just normal for her to forget to eat so often during the season. This is probably just me looking into it too deeply, I know people do this all the time, but I Do Not like it and I need someone to take care of her so badly. Like Leo has been doing lately, tbh. She deserves the world. (Am I... falling in love with the fucking insert character? I might be. Dammit.)

(Mikey appears!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHH)

Donnie to Vi at the store: “You look a lot less like you got hit by a garbage truck."

BOY IF YOU DON'T- HHHHHHHH I'M FINE.

“I’d been under the impression that you had your feelings hurt by what I’d said,” he says, raising his fingers and curling them into quotes around the word. ... "...apologies are dumb.”

Clenching. My. Jaw. I love him, I find him so charming and funny, but knowing about chapter 20 just has me so full of rage that these little comments are killing me now.

Aaaand Vi agreeing to make Leo cookies now. Once again. Doing things for others. Almost constantly, honestly.

it’s more a stress thing than a hobby [Vi talking about baking]

Hm. Her stress response is to be busy/useful to others. Hmmmmm.

While making bread for Casey, she made a whole other loaf of bread just for Leo. And then when Casey slips up about saying he'd never touched an oven before - you shrug one shoulder to show you’re chill with the secret. “…It’s, uh. Not impossible to believe, I guess?” you say, hoping to comfort. - she is always so focused on making others feel better. Constantly. Repeat after me: trauma.

"You’ve proved yourself to be a capable consultant."

Pursing my lips at this comment from Donnie.

You’re almost certainly projecting, but you tuck away the feeling nonetheless.

Pursing. My. Lips.

Vi: “…Sorry, I’m, uh. Kind of new to the friend thing. I’m still learning.”

Donnie: “Well, that won’t be a problem you’ll have for long. Practice makes perfect, and as a perfectionist myself, I’ll ensure your training will be thorough.”

This just. I. I know I've got a lot to reread before we get to the "relationship" but like??? I can't remember, but is he still under the impression that he's training her in friendship while he's fucking her? Yes, it's an experiment, but?????? Even then?????? I'M?????? I cannot fathom- I just don't- UGH THIS STUPID FUCKER

---

Chapter 5

God. The insights into Donnie's issues. Hits me just as hard the second time around. It... does soften my anger with him a little. To remind myself how intense his touch aversion was/is.

My heart still aches for Vi, obviously, but my heart aches for Donnie, too. He's doing the best he can with what he's got - like most people. I love him to death and I want him to be happy, too. He's not the villain. He can be a jerk, yeah, but the bombshell in chapter 20 to me really is just a misunderstanding. He's not being cruel. He just doesn't understand. (UNLESS I'M WRONG. IN WHICH CASE. DEATH.) But genuinely... it's just a tragic situation right now. Anyway, back to chapter five.

“…Can you check up on him for me?” you ask Leo, bringing your hands to your chest and curling them together in a self-soothing gesture. “I’m worried I might have upset him, somehow. He was okay until I asked him about it.”

Sorry I'm back on my "Vi deserves the world, she cares so much about others, always thinks of others and tends to blame herself for things too often, I'm going to lose my mind" bullshit.

"…He seems lonely.”

YOU SEEM LONELY. VI. I AM HUGGING YOU SO HARD RN.

---

Chapter 6

You, for one, are still feeling a little awkward from whatever hot mess had happened over dinner last night and hadn’t felt comfortable being the first one to reach out despite Leo’s wordless promise that things were fine.

Donnie, it seems, does not share the same issue, or at least has overcome it. …Then again, it’s completely possible that you’re overthinking all of this, you suppose, texting him back as if nothing had happened.

I can only wonder about the difference we'll see between this and what happens when Vi and Donnie talk now (after the incident in Chapter 20). I'm HOPING there is open and honest communication... but we'll see.

You’re not exactly sure what’s going on between your ears, but it’s starting to leak out and project your thoughts onto others, making you see things.

:( so mad at myself. So goddamn mad I never saw the unreliable narrator thing coming. She WASN'T just seeing things here, but still. Little hints here and there like this are slapping me in the face now.

"I don’t want you to hurt your hand.”

Your chest squeezes a bit at his care

The bar is on the floor honestly. She needs someone to care about her enough that something like that doesn't give her that kind of reaction.

(Even with my anger and sorrow for Vi, Donnie still has me falling for him as I reread this. God.)

[April talking] “…I knew you were a good one,�� she says, causing you to scoff and turn your face when you feel it warm. “Nuh uh, you’re gonna take the compliment this time, girlie.” Yes April!! My girl!!! She really is so amazing.

“Wow! I see no one but Donnie loves me,” you gripe

Hey what's up I'm crying

Vi making a mental note to make everyone a batch of cookies... I won't repeat myself. Okay, fine, I will - if I can manage to stay useful, if I can pair myself with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around.

(On a side note........ Mikey refers to Leo's thirst traps on his So-Shell account...... I would like to see them)

“Any idea why Donnie’s looking at you like you’re the first slice of pepperoni pizza from a particularly yummy-smelling box?”

Leo once again teasing you about Donnie...

[Vi Talking] "This is so nice. I like hanging out here.”

WHY CAN'T I HUG HER. WHY. LET ME HUG HER.

Jeez rereading this reminds me just how much Leo was sort of playing matchmaker between Vi and Donnie. He HAS to feel guilty now. Mad at Donnie, yeah, but also so guilty over all the things he did to push and encourage and tease.

You’ve been hugged more in the last few days than you probably have your entire life, and it feels so, so good, like you’re loved and you belong and they’re telling you that with their bodies as much as their words.

ONCE AGAIN. MAY I PLEASE HUG HER. That section is about how Donnie hasn't had that in a really long time, and that is heartbreaking, but I'm still really focused on Vi. Please let me hug her. Please.

---

Chapter 7

It’s tempting to think about the small things he’s done that could be him reciprocating your feelings; how he lets you into his lab, how his eyes consume you, how he lets you touch him, seems to crave it even.

[Through tears] yeah. Easy.

he’s an attractive genius ninja who could have anyone he wanted. And you’re just… you.

JUST YOU??? YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING. I WILL KILL FOR YOU, VI. FUCK.

Vi is so fucking funny. And smart. Well, of course, she's a perfect match for Donnie, and I love Donnie, so it makes sense, but still. I hate that she thinks so lowly of herself.

“Challenge? Absolutely not. I’m not even remotely dressed for that,” you deny, hesitating when Leo rolls his eyes. “…But I guess I can do one song.”

She sees Leo roll his eyes and relents. ONCE AGAIN I may be reading too into things, but I'm getting this... feeling about that. Idk. She WILL chew you out if you're an asshole. She WILL bicker and banter and razz. She isn't a pushover or anything at ALL, but... idk what I'm trying to say. This is making me think that, at least with people she really wants to like her, any sign of them being annoyed or upset by her has her internally scrambling to fix it. I'm probably just protecting here but. Idk.

Leo winking when you go off with Donnie. :(

“I don’t… like it when people touch me,” ... “—but it feels different when it’s you,” he says, and this time when his gaze meets yours, your breath latches in your throat like a lock and his eyes are clouded with a hesitant clarity, like he knows exactly what he’s saying but he doesn’t understand why he’s saying it.

Come on. Come ON. He doesn't understand. This HAS to mirror him not understanding the nature of their relationship later on, right??

It’s possible, you suppose, that you’re misunderstanding what he’s implying—again projecting what you want to hear on his words.

Flinging myself. Into. The sun.

[Donnie's] tone tucking into a more clinical tone like a safety blanket

Just like how viewing the relationship from a strictly clinical, experimental point of view protects him. Am I reading into this right? This is still early, before Vi sees them as having gotten together, but it mirrors what happens later, right? It's a defense thing for him, to see their activities as strictly an experiment and to not let himself look any closer whether he realizes it or not?

(GOD. JUST GOTTA TAKE A BREATHER HERE. THE TOUCH STUFF. I'M WEAK. STILL. I'M WEAK. I CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER ON IT BECAUSE I JUST. GOD.)

“What? I can’t compliment my bestie and her fine legs?” Leo coos, reaching over and flicking your nose gently.

“Leonardo,” Donnie warns, folding his arms.

I'm sorry. What other way is there to read this aside from Donnie already feeling a little possessive over Vi? Also I'm glad Leo is giving her compliments pretty often. SOMEONE needs to.

So many little things that indicate Donnie likes her, really truly likes her... HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BLAME VI WITH ALL THIS BUILDUP AND EVIDENCE. I'M FUCKING. UGHHHH

---

Chapter 8

Having such amazing friends wants you to reach out and have a little piece of that, maybe learn how to be a little amazing yourself, too.

You ARE amazing. I'm crying in the fucking club over Vi. What the FUCK.

God. The anti-mutant guy in the coffee shop. Once again she so easily sticks up for others without a single thought to her own wellbeing. Also, the random guy that stepped in and started beating that fucker... again, I'm not letting anything go. I wonder if he's actually just a random guy or if he's important/will come back into play. Also, Vi getting hurt and thinking "it better not stop me from practicing" like??? I SWEAR. (Workaholic. Must be useful. Must keep going so I don't have time to wallow in loneliness. etc.)

Just noticing, again, how Vi tries so hard to respect boundaries. Not asking April about Casey's past while she talks with April in the coffee shop, even after April lets a little comment slip. She tries to respect boundaries so hard and takes on so much emotional labor. That's not nothing.

Donnie tells her to send another pic of herself in the bath. Says he noticed she wasn't wearing her perfume recently. I'm sorry. WHAT is platonic about that. Literally I do not fucking understand. God. Just fucking shoot me.

Irritable, you at least make yourself useful and clean your apartment

The way she phrases that. Make yourself useful. I'm. SIGH. I need to hug her. It's not a want, at this point, it's a need.

you watch as his brows furrow again, his lips pursing. “…I don’t like this.”

“The bruise? Me neither. It fucking hurts.”

“Someone else’s handprint on you,” he specifies.

Come ON. And then saying he enjoys touching her. COME ON. How is he not in love with her? He's GOTTA be.

She calls him beautiful. He. He doesn't say it back. This kills the man (the man is me). He does say he's enjoying holding her hand, but that's tied back to the experiment. I'm so sad.

When Leo accidentally hurts Vi by pressing the bruise and she is like "it's fine I'm fine" AND moves away so Donnie doesn't touch her because she's hyper aware that Donnie doesn't want Leo to know about the touch thing?? CONSTANTLY. THINKING. OF OTHERS.

“…You don’t even get how incredible you are, do you?” he asks, causing you to roll your eyes. “You seriously don’t see it.”

YES LEO. YES. TELL HER. I'M SO!!!!! UGH.

---

Chapter 9

Wearing a line into your rug, you shake your hands as you fret, brain racing a million miles an hour while your muscles buzz with the need to be productive.

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm so sad for her. This is one of the million little things that makes me worry so much over Vi. The need to be productive, the anxiety over it even when she has a legitimate reason to take it easy.

[Leo] His frown deepens, eyes going a little dark with anger. It reminds you, a bit, of the energy you’d felt before he’d known you; when a simple stare had all the hairs on your body standing on end, paralyzed, a rabbit before a stalking wolf.

Sorry, wolf Leo? Sorry, villain au? Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh OK ok sorry I'm back to normal Sorry

You swallow at the sight of it, and, needing to soothe, change the subject before he can really engage with it

Needing to soothe. God. GOD. Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about how this might be a result of trauma just because I see it so often with Vi. Like she's... taking responsibility for other people's potential negative emotions/reactions when it's people she's close to. Feeling the need to do anything she can to prevent a blowup or whatever. I'm unwell.

Leo may be better at reading people than you, but you’re still really good.

This kills me. I'm TELLING you, man, Donnie is in love with her and she thought it was a relationship because it SHOULD be, it WOULD be if Donnie wasn't oblivious to his own feelings (or maybe he has different views on what a relationship is? Maybe there are unspoken laws in his head about what constitutes this sort of relationship vs that sort of relationship? Idk I'm honestly sort of an idiot so I'll just have to wait and see what Sam reveals about all this, but I can't help reeling all over again when lines like this pop up).

[Helping Leo relax and sleep] It’s not practicing, but it is something productive you can do, in a way. The need to be useful. Again. I'm crying.

“Want some water? I’ll grab us something.” ... “Sure,” you tell him, knowing he needs to take care, to provide in order to feel in control,

Even letting someone else do something for her is framed as her trying to be useful. I'm FUCKING crying.

So you sit, quiet, letting him use you,

That wording. Letting him use you. God. GOD. I'm not joking when I tell you my heart fucking aches for Vi. This isn't anything bad - she's just helping Leo get some sleep - but the phrasing of letting him use her. I'm so deeply unwell.

[Leo says] “You n’ Donnie really are perfect for each other.”

Yeah. Fuck.

“You work too much, you know that?"

YOU'RE RIGHT, LEO. YOU'RE SO FUCKING RIGHT.

...peering into the plastic bag to find a sweet spread of sushi. Wow, Leo really felt bad about the drool thing, you muse.

Alternatively, he appreciates the fuck out of you. Hang on I'm gonna look Too Hard at this real quick. The idea that Vi naturally defaults to Leo getting her nice sushi because he feels guilty rather than thankful. The idea that she isn't doing anything worthy of appreciation or praise, but rather that he mostly just feels obligated to make up for drooling on her. I need to hug her please. I'm actually begging at this point.

[Thinking about Donnie] It’s ridiculous how he can be so smart and so stupid at the same time

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. FUCK.

“It’s just so funny to think of him apparently hating classical music now, because before, he always used to listen to—” Casey starts lightheartedly, though his jaw snaps shut and his face goes very, very still. Terrorized eyes snap wide on your face like he’s seeing you for the first time, like you’re a myth come to life. ... “…Oh, no,” he warbles, his lips quivering as he looks at you like he’s seen a ghost. Then, with a jolt, he shakes his head, clutching at the back of his nape hard and looking off to the side, a tormented fake smile on his face that looks sharp as a knife and like it’s cutting him just as much to hold it. “I-It’s nothing, just… Just thought about something I’d heard when I was a kid, once. I just… suddenly realized something, is all.” ... He looks like he has War and Peace on the tip of his tongue as he nearly consumes your face, memorizing it even,

OH MY GOD. OUCH. HAHA. HA. YEAH. OKAY. YEAH.

It makes you clutch your biceps, nails digging into your flesh, muscles pulling tight as you fret, fret, fret.

There it is again, the nails digging into skin. A little thing, but it has the potential to be dangerous, or even to hint at something dangerous being a possibility in the future. (Me projecting, projecting, projecting, always.)

God. I'm falling in love with Donnie once again. When will I be stopped.

“You—I’m so mad at you for doing this when I told you not to, but also this is the most amazing thing anyone’s ever done for me, and I want to thank you but I don’t have any cookies on me at the moment.”

Hey look I'm gonna Read Way Too Into Things again. She says this as if her words mean nothing. As if saying thank you and verbally expressing her gratitude is not enough, so she has to do something (be useful be useful be useful) to really be expressing her gratitude. (I get that sometimes words don't feel like enough, especially when we're so overcome with gratitude and we want the other person to REALLY get how thankful we are, I promise I get that, but it's just all these little tiny constant bits that have me seeing innocuous things like this as so much more. I'm sorry, again, I'm probably projecting.)

Also, just saying this so I have it on record, but Donnie has very firmly confirmed that he has befriended her, here. Just saying. For my sanity.

(The touch stuff. I'm on fire. I am burning as I type. God.)

[Raph] “Don’t mention it. Worrying is what I do."

That comment makes me so sad. Everything makes me sad. I'm a sad sack over every single person in this goddamn fic.

(Third Law. I'm soft.)

Leo calling Vi a "lovely lady" - once again, thank God someone is complimenting her.

Leo giving Donnie a flat look... I need to know what is going on in his mind like I need air.

LEO ASKING IF EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND CALLING HER HERMOSA AND BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

---

Chapter 10

Mikey is so!!! I love him I love him I love him I-

(Mikey calls her cute in the group chat 💕 sweetest boy)

Vi making more cookies for the boys. Again. (Useful useful useful)

Huffing out in relief, you smile and nod, showing him the ulnar flossing exercises

Vi feeling relief that Mikey asks to see the wrist stretches... relief that she is being useful. Relief that she can help. Sigh.

When Donnie is laying on the cot, he asks Vi to stay and: the angle he’s using to tug on you is encouraging you to lie down instead. You hesitate, swallowing thickly, causing him to huff out an annoyed sigh, his eyes falling shut into a frown.

“If you’d rather go find Leo—”

“What? No,” you say, baffled he’d even think that. You try to remember the words he’d used yesterday, when you’d asked for a hug, ready to use them against him. “It’s just that this is a… a rather large escalation of contact.”

“Oh,” Donnie says, his frown smoothing out a bit. “Not really? It’s essentially the same thing?”

“…But in bed?” you clarify, wondering if maybe there’s some kind of turtle-brained thing that makes horizontal touches no different, or if you’re just overreacting.

HANG ON. THIS HITS DIFFERENT NOW.

he starts the music and then tucks back into you like that’s just what the two of you do.

...Donnie doesn't have a lot of friends, either. Do you think he really doesn't see the stuff that's happening as romantic? Does he think, even once the sex starts, that it's not unusual for friends to engage in that sort of thing as long as they agree to it beforehand? Or is he so deluded into thinking she wouldn't want him romantically that HE'S thinking she sees the experiment as the only reason to do that stuff with him, so there's no way they could really be together in a romantic relationship? (I'm trying so hard to understand and give him credit here. I'm gonna have to reread chapter 20 again for what he says exactly because I feel so stupid.)

Eager to stop what looks like an imminent meltdown from Mikey, you step forward first and start piling food onto your plate. “It looks great, Mike,” you tell him, both out of honestly and also to get him to look at you and smile instead of glaring at his brothers.

Once again Vi is taking responsibility for preventing conflict/negative emotions between people she cares about.

You’re glad your back is turned on the way to the table when he says that, as none of the turtles see the way your face crumples just a little at the wave of emotion that grips you when he calls you family.

(Lonely lonely lonely) let me hug her!!!!

Leo calls her a pretty girl when he's on the phone with Donnie in her apartment. Once again, I love him SO MUCH for being loose with his compliments, because Vi deserves people who will make her feel good about herself, but also he's clearly riling Donnie up with comments like that - what way is there to read it other than Donnie liking Vi romantically and feeling possessive over her? Everything points to Donnie either just being dense about his own feelings or not fully understanding what a relationship IS if he really doesn't see them as in a relationship by chapter 20. Unless I'm so incredibly missing the point, which is always possible because I am, in fact, an oblivious idiot most of the time.

---

Chapter 11

("lbjean_87’s Insta profile" is a reference, I'm sure, but idk what exactly other than the "87" for the 87 tmnt cartoon)

The whole interaction with Barry where he says Vi is having a positive impact on the boys... and she's uncomfortable with the implication that she's doing something special, struggling with someone pointing it out, struggling to accept that she is a special person who positively impacts others...

Barry hums thoughtfully. “I see. It is not that you are self-depreciating. You are, in fact, just an idiot.”

Hm. Just pointing this out because I forgot about it. It's so ingrained for her to diminish what she does for others, and he sees that I think... but also. This line from Barry being in THIS chapter, where the whole misunderstanding STARTS.

“Why are you sorry?”

You exhale a sharp breath, running a frustrated hand through your hair. “I’m sorry he found out? That I didn’t keep our promise not to let anyone know? That he tried to hug you and you freaked out? That I haven’t been helping you with your touch thing as much as I’d hoped I was? I mean, fuck, pick one, dude.”

Again, she takes on so much responsibility and guilt. I'm SO interested in learning more about her relationship with Alopex (and any other trauma that may have contributed to all of these things I'm noticing that she does).

Okay nobody panic but I'm finally to The Point where they establish some things and set up for the bombshell.

“…Intimate touches,” you repeat, turning back to look at him once you’ve pulled yourself away from the brink of flying right out of your own skin. “Like… what, petting? Kissing? Sex? What are we talking about, exactly?”

“All of it, ideally,” he says. “I’m quite curious to study how I’ll react, especially considering the whole touch aversion situation.”

Curious how he'd react... oh my god. He doesn't say anything about a relationship at all. This is killing me. It's all focused on the experiment. I'm a fucking fool.

“…Do… Do you wanna try it?” you ask, a tiny glittering light threatening to bloom like a sun in your chest. “…Us, together, I mean?”

Okay yeah. "Us together" could just be read as "us doing those things together" rather than "us being together in a romantic relationship." Goddddd.

Giddy excitement spreads over his face unlike what you’ve seen before. “Really? With… With me?” he asks, and god, the sight of him so openly happy makes you fucking ascend.

So the first time, I read that as 'you're really open to dating me (and all the things that come with that)?' But now it's ONLY 'you're willing to do sex stuff with me/to help more with my touch thing and sate my curiosity?' SAD. DEVASTATED. EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED.

“Of course, I—” ... “Donnie, I… of course. I’d be stupid to say no, right?”

“Oh, that’s such a relief,” he says, closing his eyes and sighing into your palm. “I’ve been making spreadsheets of things I’ve wanted to try for several days and wondering how best to bring it up, especially considering—well. It’s quite helpful that you did so yourself. Excellent work, consultant.”

Fuck. FUCK. Consultant, he calls her. It really is still an experiment to him at this point. And the first time I thought it was just a cute tease, a bit of funny flirting, but it WASN'T. FUCK. Sam is a genius. I hate myself. He's focused on the spreadsheets and things he's been wanting to try for his touch aversion. He's giddy because of that, not because he's getting into an official relationship with her. (I still think he's in love with her and maybe just doesn't realize it fully, but holy God his words are actually focused on the experiment here.) What would he have said after "especially considering" if he hadn't cut himself off??? FUCK.

[Vi talking] "We’re partners, now, so we have to take care of each other."

Partners. Still worded to fit with the experiment mindset, so of course that wouldn't tip off Donnie. Fuck.

[Donnie talking] “I’d… like to keep this between the two of us as well, for now. To the confines of the lab. While we establish the parameters.” ... “I have no interest in keeping anything a secret. I only want to improve the quality of our partnership's results before sharing, nothing more."

Again, it's not named as a romantic relationship. He just calls it 'this' and a 'partnership' when he talks about their arrangement. (The clinical talk... 'improve quality of results before sharing.' Fuck. FUCK.)

Rereading the sexy stuff is fucking PAINFUL now. Oh my god.

“Don’t move,” he growls, making you freeze in place even as his brows furrow hard and his grip loosens almost immediately. “I—Sorry. Sorry, I—I don’t know where that came from.”

Stuff like this has me wondering again if he really doesn't understand what he's feeling with Vi. And that lack of understanding is reinforcing his focus on it being an Experiment, because he wants to understand how he's responding and why, to understand what he's feeling, and to do that he needs to gather and study data.

Donnie goes stiff when April calls and asks if Vi is with Leo. That's not the first time Donnie does something that indicates jealousy or possessiveness over Vi, but what if it's something else? It's only with Leo that I can remember, but I thought that was because Leo is the only one constantly hanging out with/touching/complimenting Vi, but what if it's something else regarding Leo? I really do not know what else it could be, but... I'm trying not to assume things anymore that aren't confirmed through dialog.

you sigh, turning your face into the pillow and inhaling deeply. It smells like Donnie, making your toes curl in delight. Pulling away, you look over to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, studying you. “…What are you doing?”

Yeah if they're not in a relationship it makes sense for him to react like that. (I'm so goddamn sad)

“You… promise you’ll tell me if you change your mind about this, right?”

“About… us?” you ask, and when he nods, you sit up, pressing your forehead to his. “Donnie, I—”

“—Promise?” he interrupts, making your mouth close.

“…Promise,” you tell him. And, since it’s clearly so important to him, “You promise? You’ll tell me?”

“I won’t change my mind,” he assures, making you shake your head. He sighs. “Yes. I promise.”

Hits different. God. I need to be in this fucker's head. I need his exact reasoning for thinking he won't change his mind. Is it curiosity regarding the outcome? Is it because he really likes her (and recognizes that)? I don't know!!

D - Just informing you that the nap did indeed take place.

V - i’m so glad!! thanks for letting me know

D - It would be a poor business exchange if I didn’t.

BUSINESS EXCHANGE. FUCK. I'M GOING TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC.

---

[Through tears] Chapter 12

Vi is so happy. So happy that she's helping Donnie with touch, Leo with sleep, Mikey with his hands (useful, useful, useful). So happy to be in a "relationship" with Donnie. She is so happy, and I am so, so sad.

Sinclair (I think it's Sinclair, Vi doesn't know/remember her name yet and I'm just a terrible with my memory) refers to a Ren. Renet, maybe?? 👀

You leave a little bit earlier than you usually do since you’re meeting Leo for lunch

YES there's a little bit of that positive influence on Vi bc of the boys! Leave practice early baby!!

Drinking with your neighbors, a boyfriend, lunch with your best friend… It feels like you’re cheating, a little. Like you’ve gotten something you don’t completely deserve.

[Clutching heart] that's a one-two punch. Vi calling Donnie her boyfriend in her head, and then Vi feeling like she didn't EARN the happiness she's feeling. OUCH.

Oh FUCK. The whole interaction with Leo in the kitchen. So many things. Leo's reaction to you confirming that you touch Donnie and that Donnie touches you. Vi doing that thing again where she digs her nails into her skin. Comparing Leo to a wolf and Vi to a rabbit (stop it blurple villain au, STOP IT, I'm trying to focus). I'm not gonna copy paste the entire section, but Leo's reaction is SO.... hang on

“Him wanting to put his hands all over you? Wanting to touch you? Mark you up? How far have you two gone, huh? Should I just pick a place on you and see if he’s touched that, too? Or is that another thing I’m not allowed to know?” ... “Why are you the one he—” Leo snarls

Is he really just that angry and bitter because Donnie hasn't let his family touch him in so long? Because Donnie hasn't let LEO touch him in so long? Because, relatively quickly, Vi has managed to push past that barrier when Leo couldn't? Or is he mad because it's intimate touches, specifically? Why exactly? Because Leo likes Vi? I don't think that's it, but again I'm trying not to assume or overlook things. Leo was playing matchmaker with them so hard toward the beginning, and now he reacts like this? What did he think was going to happen? Do you remember him asking Vi if she was single and saying she and Donnie were perfect for each other? Because I do. Did he want them together but assumed they wouldn't be touching no matter what since that's been Donnie's default mode for so long? I'm so dense I do not understand. LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. LEOOOOOOO.

Your back hits the wall behind you hard as you flinch away instinctively. ... Your arms have covered your face, your whole body quaking as you fight to make yourself as small as possible. ... when you don’t move, when you can’t speak ... taking in your terrified posture ... You close your eyes, feeling the tears continue to stream down your cheeks. Clenching your teeth, swallowing the adrenaline rushing in your veins screaming for you to stay still and not move ... He’s safe! you scream to yourself, trying to remember that it’s gospel. He’s safe! He’s safe! He’s safe! ... Sobs tear out of your lungs in massive heaving rolls that leave you shaking against him.

Is Vi's visceral reaction of fear ONLY due to Leo being Just That Scary? Or has she experienced physical violence from someone close to her before? She can stand her ground against asshole strangers that actually try to hurt her (for example, the guy from the coffee shop and guy in the park - or wherever it was, I don't remember and I'm not there yet, but it was when she fell in the water sticking up for Raph), chase after mutant silverfish with a music stand, react quickly to protect the kids when shots are fired, run to Dakota after the bomb goes off, etc. etc. And those were Real Dangerous Situations, too. The difference here is it's Leo. Her best friend. Someone she's close to, someone she trusts. When it's a person like that, she freezes in fucking terror... and remember the other times she's tried to step in when someone close to her starts getting angry? To soothe, to deescalate...

He’s safe. He’s your best friend. He’s family. He’s Leo, and the fact that even a tiny piece of you was afraid of him—it horrifies you. ... “I-I’m sorry, too. I-I didn’t mean to—I don’t know why I—I know you’d n-never—” “Instinct,” he cuts off clinically. Hollowly. “You were scared. I scared you.”

I think I'm looking too hard at this maybe. She's horrified that she was scared, and she says "I don't know why" she reacted like that, and if she'd experienced violence with someone close to her in the past surely she would've thought something about it, connected those dots in her mind at that point? I don't know. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what Sam reveals, if anything. Like I said, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

“…Donnie and I are dating,” you tell Leo, feeling him go rigid against you when you tell the secret that feels so stupid to keep if it means losing him. “I… I asked him out yesterday, and he said yes. But he wants to keep it quiet for a while, while we figure everything out, so…”

Pain. Pain and agony and suffering. She says this to Leo in no uncertain terms about what she means, whereas with Donnie it could have been taken a different way and apparently WAS. Fuck.

“He… he talked about missing hugs?” Leo echoes, sounding a little broken.

This Whole Thing hurts just as much the second time around. Ouch. Owie.

"I have no idea what’s safe to talk about with you people, so I just assume everything’s off limits until I hear otherwise!”

Again, she's so careful to respect boundaries.

[Leo] He tilts his head when you come inside, grinning at you and patting the ground between his legs as he spreads them and wiggles his feet like he thinks he’s adorable.

BECAUSE HE IS ADORABLE. DAMMIT. THIS IS A DONNIE FIC. I AM A DONNIE GIRL. STOP MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH LEO AS WELL. (/pos of course, ALL of this is positive, I promise)

“Don’t be mean to me, I’m just a little meow meow.”

FUUUUUCK I LOVE LEO SO MUCH STOPPPPPPPPPPPP

“…Don’t tell him,” Leo pleads quietly, making you pause where you were reaching out to grab your laptop. “Tell who what?” “Donnie. That I know. …Don’t tell him.”

Do you think Leo remembers saying this and feels guilty now? Do you think he wonders if you had been given the green light to tell Donnie that Leo knows you two are "dating" that maybe the whole miscommunication thing wouldn't have spiraled and gone on as long?

“Just kidding. You’re so gullible,” [Donnie says]

Just. Just putting this here. For the record. For future reference.

“…Does Leo do this to you?” he whispers, entranced. “…Does he make you have goosebumps, too?” His thumb finds the edge of your nipple through your bra and shirt,

God. Hits different. He's actually fucking yearning here isn't he. Yearning for her and not even realizing he has her?? Again, does he think this is something friends just do? Was he wondering if Leo touches you intimately, as well??

(The kissing is so fucking hot. A wordsmith as always, Jesus CHRIST, Sam. But also reading it with the constant voice in the back of my head saying "he doesn't see them as dating" over and over and over IS SO. I don't have a word for it but it's killing me.)

[Donnie, after you stop kissing] “Sorry. I suppose I did, uh. Get a little over-eager there.”

the silent promise you made to one turtle versus the explicit one you made to another and how they stand at odds with the other.

^So many lines now are hitting me differently. God.

[Donnie talking about Leo sleeping on Vi and therefore making her smell like Leo] “I really don’t—I’m starting think he does it on purpose to irritate me, specifically.”

So if Donnie doesn't see them as together, doesn't see Vi as his... what does he mean here? Does he recognize that he feels possessive but doesn't fully understand why? Or does he really just not like the way Leo smells???

Donnie talking about how he smells that she's aroused, admitting that he is aroused... taking about it so matter-of-factly. He's separating romantic and sexual feelings so completely in a way that Vi doesn't, in a way that the reader wouldn't. (Is that the whole point that I'm missing here? That he DOES separate sexual and romantic relationships so CLEARLY in his mind? And that's why he can yearn for her, think he doesn't have her even while they're fucking and spending so much time together and doing things that couples DO?)

Donnie referring to the Third Law as the reason that he gets to learn how to make her feel good... almost like that's his sole reason or like that's his excuse for doing so...

“…I’m not particularly interested in my brothers smelling you like this,” he mutters

Because it would cause a stir? Because he wants the experiment to continue without outside influence? Because he simply doesn't want them to know his business? Because he knows she would be embarrassed? LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. YOU AND LEO BOTH ARE KILLING ME.

---

Chapter 13

Goddammit I lost my notes for this chapter and had to try and remember what I had already written TWICE because I'm a mobile user who is also an idiot. Anyway.

The beginning of my notes for this chapter was mostly me gushing about how much it made me smile. It's the one where Vi gets sick and goes to the store to get cat food for the neighbor. (Basically - I love Vi, I love the boys, I love the group chat.)

When the neighbor gets mutated, Vi pushes Leo out of the way so that she is the one pounced on instead of Leo. There was no real danger, but she didn't know that when she reacted. It kills me that in her delirious, can barely think straight, actually thinks she's hallucinating state, her instinct is to take the hit for Leo. (Better me than you, you're more important, I can be useful, I'm useful, useful, use me use me use me FUCK)

So many lines hit different with Donnie... she's sick and going to sleep in his room, and them interacting alone here (with my knowledge of chapter 20) makes my chest ache.

She says she missed him -> For some reason, he laughs a little at that. “Is that so? What prompted the thought?”

Her shirt is all sweaty and he tells her to just take it off, but then -> “I’m curious to see if my body temperature will help with your fever.”

They're in his bed, lying together, and she kisses him -> “D-Don’t do that here,” he stutters, sounding a little like it’s a significant effort to tell you. “I don’t want to start something we aren’t—aren’t planning on—”

A little later -> “…I want to…” he trails off in a breathless tone, pressing into your throat a little harder than usual. ... “Wanna what?” you ask, prompting him to shake his head. “It’s nothing. Get some rest. I’ll be here until you fall asleep.”

I'm in so much fucking pain.

Vi goes to the library for books on PTSD to help the fam. She spends time reading and taking notes and just. God. She's such a good friend. (Use me. I need to earn this love. I need to be good and useful.)

Leo has his insomnia. (He has something else, you know, you just know, but until he decides to do his little secret-spilling venture he told you you were due, you’re in the dark on that.)

Is this something we might find out about during their talk on Saturday??? I hope so.

You don’t know anything about Raph, you mourn, underlining his name twice on your notepad in a bit of self-loathing. So much for him being family, you think sourly.

It's hardly her fault, but again she's putting it on herself.

At the end of the chapter, she wakes up to realize that Leo saw the evidence of her reading those books and taking notes and working to make herself more helpful (USEFUL) in her free time. He knows how hard she's trying to help. So you think he feels guilty over that, too, now? Again, all she does is give give give, and even when she does allow herself to take she feels that need to earn it, that need to be worthy of it.

---

Chapter 14

DAKOTA APPEARS. LIGHT OF MY LIFE. DARLING GIRL YOU DESERVE THE WORLD I LOVE YOU.

Yeah there it is! The confrontation with the guy in the park. Raph is so right to be worried because she IS going to get hurt if she keeps this up.

[Raph talking] "you can’t be stupid like that,” he says, making you flinch. 

Time for me to Read Too Much Into Things again. I've noticed, even before chapter 20 when it gets really really bad, she often refers to herself as stupid or uses stupid as an adjective when describing what she's doing. Her flinching when Raph uses that word specifically has me wondering if that word was used against her a lot in the past (by Alopex maybe?) or if she's always had A Thing about thinking she's stupid.

Raph gives you a small crooked smile. “Well, it sure made him mad thinkin’ you was my girl. So maybe you should just start datin’ a mutant real open-like.” 

You give a wet laugh, rubbing at your eyes hard. If only he knew. “Yeah. That… That sounds like something I’d like.” 

Hey what's up I'm CRYING

(Also, once again, every time Vi refers to Donnie as her boyfriend in her head, I suffer)

[Leo talking about Vi having no self-preservation instincts] “Oh yeah? Looks to me like you wouldn’t know fear if it—” he starts, only for his jaw to clamp shut and a stricken look to cross his face.

I know this is him remembering when he scared Vi in her kitchen, but JUST IN CASE their talk on Saturday reveals anything I'm keeping this here for my own future reference.

Not helping the desire is that he’s wearing those fucking sweatpants again. If he were any kind of perceptive, you’d wonder if he didn’t know exactly what he was doing when he put those things on his ass

First of all, SWEATPANTELLO SJSJZBAKXH. Second of all, "if he were any kind of perceptive" has me eating through the drywall.

Oh my god. When Donnie brings up what happened in the park, he just says he made her a new phone and then "There was mud all over the processing board, which, speaking of, I hope you weren’t injured?” I'm getting a little bit of whiplash here. He was so angry over the bruise she got, but with this his reaction is less intense. And I'm remembering after one of the attacks with Dakota that his reaction wasn't as intense as I expected, either. But then with the guy on their aquarium "date" the reaction was WAY more intense. Hm. I almost need to look at those instances side by side once more after I catch up to 20 on this reread.

Also idk why this popped into my head just now, but I'm wondering if something happened between Leo and Donnie in the past. Something more than just the fact that Donnie doesn't let Leo (or the rest of the fam) touch him. There are so many times where Leo like... gives Donnie a blank/weird look or reacts a certain way when Vi talks about Donnie or even riles Donnie up by making Vi smell like him, making little comments about her being pretty or him being her favorite or whatever... a bunch of things that COULD just be Leo being a little shit but could also be something more (something like Leo liking Vi, sure, but I really don't think so??? More and more I wonder if it could be something that's related to an incident in the past between the twins??). God I cannot WAIT for Leo and Vi to talk on Saturday.

Vi says she doesn't talk to her family anymore because they're so anti-mutant and they had a huge falling out. I'm still wondering if there was some kind of abuse she suffered from her family, as well, even if she doesn't recognize it as having been abuse. (Racist family members being cruel to you hits close to home, I'm almost certainly projecting.)

“A mutant? You?” Donnie gapes, looking shocked. “You dated a mutant?” 

You bark out an incredulous laugh. “How are you surprised by this?” 

YEP. SAM IS RIGHT. HITS FUCKING DIFFERENT. GOD.

You haven’t thought about Alopex in years; it’s odd, now, how you finally feel able to do so without pain.

Ooooh boy. I CANNOT WAIT to find out more about the past relationship with Alopex. And if I recall correctly Sam has said Alopex will make an appearance and I am SO EXCITED.

[Vi talking] "I have a family again, and I have you. That’s all I need.” 

Donnie frowns, but whatever machinations are in his head are tabled when instead he just sighs

She makes that distinction here between the fam and Donnie. Specifically says "I have you" and he frowns. During my first read I thought he was frowning at the whole estranged family/Alopex breakup thing. Now I'm wondering what he thought about that comment "I have you."

Engage alarm 16-44-SD - I wonder what the significance of the numbers and letters are. Do you think we'll find out?

[Vi asks Donnie to cuddle and they're getting situated on the cot] “What are your goals for this evening?” he asks, using his hand to glide along your jaw, cupping your nape to turn your face to his. 

“With you?” you ask to clarify, and when he nods, you hum. “Don’t really have any. Just want to feel good with you.” 

Donnie studies you for a moment

Fuck. FUCK. "What are your goals" I'm pacing like a madman. WHAT IS HE THINKING WHEN HE STUDIES HER AFTER HER RESPONSE. FUCK.

“…Actually, I changed my mind. I wanna kiss you again.” 

Donnie’s smirk is a little lazy. “That was quick. I was expecting to have to work on you a bit longer for that.”

“Yeah, well, I’m easy for you. Sue me,” you tell him ... “That you are,” he agrees ... “…Want to feel good,” he murmurs against your mouth, repeating your request of him like he’s contemplating it, still. When you nod, he dips down, his second kiss a bit more

This Whole fucking interaction. My heart is shredded. Him thinking about her saying she wants to feel good, taking that as her saying the 'goal' of today's 'session' is that and then having her come using his thigh so they can achieve that 'session goal' and collect data.

[Asking if she's sure he has to touch somewhere first before she'll touch him there] “Though I suppose it’s fine. Just more data. And I’m hardly opposed to making you feel good first.”

JUST MORE DATA he says

[Donnie tells you to take off the clothes Leo lent you] Vi - “Donnie, I’m not wearing anything under this.” 

“…Okay?” he says, looking at you like he doesn’t understand the problem.

This is SO. I JUST. FUCK. Sex and nude intimacy is all part of the project. Why WOULD it be a big deal? They agreed that the experiment would include kissing, petting, sex, etc. There's no feelings involved, it's just necessary for the session, for the data. I'm Unwell.

(The sexy stuff is, once again, SO HOT but SO PAINFUL to read)

[After she comes using his thigh] “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna remember that for a long, long time. Until you one up yourself, of course.” 

“A good scientist is always seeking to extract better results from his subject matter,” Donnie agrees. 

SUBJECT MATTER. I'M LAYING DOWN ON THE TRAIN TRACKS. AND THEN IN HER MIND SHE REFERS TO HIM ONCE AGAIN AS HER BOYFRIEND. WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN TRAIN. I'M WAITING.

I wonder if Sam was writing this and smirking evilly the entire fucking time. Evil. EVIL. EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL E-

---

Chapter 15

SINCLAIR'S NAME IS JUNE. FUCK I FORGOT LMAO I'm just as bad as Vi

Vi making cookies again for the 4th of July party. Then in the shower, talking to Leo about it.

“I was thinking I’d make enough cookies for you guys to have left over, since I know you like ‘em a lot. Plus I feel like I kind of owe Raph for the whole, uh, making him fish me out of the pond thing.” 

Leo doesn’t answer, you think, though you might have missed it as you duck your head under the water to get rid of the shampoo.

I was so distracted by blurple symphony au thoughts the first time I read this, but now I'm just thinking about how she worded that.

“I was thinking I’d bring him [Raph] by some bread later, too. I know we kind of worked it all out, but I’d feel better if I really had a good apology. He was pretty upset. And Donnie, too. I need to make him something. Not that he, uh, did anything. But the thought was there, I guess."

Once again, she feels the need to DO something for others. As an apology, as appreciation. Thoughtful to the point of making me worry.

(Also, I wonder if the talk with Leo on Saturday will shed light on what he was doing/thinking here while she was showering)

“Glad to be of service,” you laugh

YEAH. YOU ALWAYS ARE.

[Vi says she'll try to get Donnie to come to the party] Casey stares at you with eyes that see a little too far into your soul for your liking, but then he pulls them back and laughs like he didn’t just sear your bones. “Well, if anyone could, I bet it’d be you.”

:) pain

“He’s got me on security protocol 27-L-Alpha, but family’s allowed through on that one, so you can go ahead in,” Shelldon says

Again, I wonder about the significance of the numbers and letters. Also, FAMILY IS ALLOWED THROUGH. So Donnie sees her as family? I need to be inside his head.

She gets him to go to the party and he says she'll owe him. Is that the only reason he agrees? Because then she owes him something? Is he just hungry? Is he soft for her without realizing?

When the yokai is flirting with Vi at the party, WHAT is Donnie thinking? I must know. Vi looks at Donnie and thinks that he's 'too traumatized, probably by those fucking brain aliens, to fish you out.' If Donnie thought they were dating, would he have stepped in?

Leo hooks his head onto your shoulder, nuzzling his beak into your throat and humming like he does when it’s just the two of you. ... his fingers fluttering on your stomach as his eyes cut off to the side. He has a sharp look to his features that you’re a bit too drunk to dissect, so you just ignore it. 

I'm squinting so hard at this. This is at the party in front of everyone, but it's GOTTA be another attempt at riling Donnie up, right? UGH

(GOD. DONNIE PULLING YOU INTO HIS ROOM. STICKING HIS FINGERS INTO YOUR MOUTH. GOD. FUCK. JESUS HOLY HELL I'M ON FIRE.)

“Gonna kill him,” Donnie growls against your skin

Is he talking about Leo? WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH, HUH DONNIE? Seriously, did something fucking happen between him and Leo in the past that's related to all this? Or is this just Donnie being jealous and possessive over Vi despite them just being "partners" for the project??

He grabs your chin, holding your face to his, and you open your damp eyes to see that he’s staring at you, cataloging your every move. 

Data collection. I know I'm repeating myself here, but this is so so painful to read.

Pulling away, Donnie groans, his forehead finding your shoulder. “Fuck. I can’t believe I did that. I’m sorry,” he says, causing you to laugh. You sink your fingers into his nape, stroking long lines against worried flesh. 

“How are you apologizing right now? That was incredible,” you promise. 

“It—It was outside the bounds of our agreement. We both stated that my lab was the only place where we’d—” he starts

:( that's all I can say. Just. :(

"I’m going to go to my lab and make sure this obnoxious music didn’t ruin anything.” 

OH MY GOD. THE RECORDINGS. HIM GOING TO THE LAB TO REVIEW THE DATA FOR THE PROJECT. HOW DID I COMPLETELY SKIP OVER THIS LINE THE FIRST TIME.

Vi asks for one last kiss and then -> “…You’re getting good at that,” you murmur against his mouth when he pulls away, opening your eyes to see him staring at you with lustrous eyes. 

“Third Law,” he says

Third Law. Something I want (your help with this project) for something you want (to feel good). Fuck. FUCK.

You turn your head, seeing that he has something to say on the tip of his tongue, but he shakes it off, looking off to the side. 

“…Text me when you get home,” he says instead, making you smile and nod. 

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY. WILL WE EVER FIND OUT? I'M FERAL.

Vi tells Mikey she and Donnie are dating. Once again it's explicit when she tells others but not when she's with Donnie. Kill me. Kill me.

Again, Vi worrying so much about the boys. Wishing she could help more. Sigh.

“…Yeah. Pretty,” he [Leo] agrees, voice quiet. ... you feel a beak nuzzle gently into your hair, inhaling softly to find your scent, before he goes carefully, painfully still; and just before you finally drift off to sleep on his shoulder, you imagine, you think, the sound of creaking wood beneath a tight, gripping fist. 

Once again the first time I read this as Leo maybe liking Vi or being upset that Donnie touches her when he hasn't been able to touch his brother in so long, but... Does Leo... does Leo know that Donnie doesn't see their partnership as romantic? Does he KNOW?? Is he letting this go on because it's helping Donnie and he wants his brother to get better???? HANG ON. HANG ON. IT BETTER NOT BE. IT BETTER FUCKING NOT. PLEASE TELL ME I'M WRONG. Is this Leo realizing that the partnership has become sexual and that this is so much worse for Vi than he thought? MY HEART IS BEATING OUT OF MY CHEST. (I'm wrong. I have to be wrong. I have to be reading too much into it, right? Please tell me I'm wrong I'm on the verge of tears.)

---

Chapter 16

Sinclair recovers quickly, waving her hand. “Yo. Introduce us to the cutie?” 

“C-Cutie?” Raph repeats, flustering quickly.

Sinclair (June?) has a girlfriend I know but this little interaction makes me wish Raph could get someone, you know? I wish all the boys could get someone (if they want someone, that is). I want them all to be happy so badly :(

Also Sinclair's girlfriend is a mutant. Are we gonna meet her?

You dig your nails into your biceps hard. 

I worry. I fucking WORRY.

First mention of Scheherazade - oh my god. Forever sobbing.

Leo hasn't texted you today.

DOES HE FEEL GUILTY?

Sinclair calling Vi her friend :') getting her number :') I love her

Vi is so anxious over the thought of Leo being upset with her. And then there's a line when she goes to the lair to see him - hoping you’re not being too overbearing - that has me once again wondering if she had past experiences where someone got upset and reacted badly and blamed her, or maybe if she just internalized the bad reaction as her fault and now she's always scrambling to soothe and fix? Thinking of how toxic relationships can have that affect on people, you know?

He isn’t Alopex, you remind yourself. It’s cruel to impose upon him the damaged expectations from the last relationship you’d had. Cruel to yourself, seeing darkness where there isn’t any to be found. You’re letting old insecurities seep in, you think, feeling your eyes burn a little.

Yeah, this. I wonder if we'll find out about the exact details of everything that happened? I think we will, and I'm excited.

[Leo talking] “I’ve just been… tired. Thinking about things. About what I want.” 

Tilting your head, you ask. “…What you want?” 

Leo nods, bringing your hand to his mouth to brush a kiss to your knuckles, staring at them as he brings your hand to his lap. “I’m. I’m still thinking about it. If I promise to tell you, can you give me time?” 

If I'm right. And I pray that I'm wrong. But. If I'm right. He's thinking about what's more important to him, about what he wants more - truly being a good friend to you vs. using you to help Donnie with his touch thing even though he knows what's really going on, even though he knows you think something else is happening when it's not. (If I'm right... he's using her. He's using her, after seeing how lonely she was, how willing she is to help, how desperate she is to be useful, manipulating that, taking advantage of that. Please God let me be wrong.)

Upstairs, you find Donnie sitting in front of his wall of computer screens, each plastered with an ocean of diagrams and spreadsheets. Deep in thought ... “Oh, good. I was just thinking about you,” he says

He's looking at the spreadsheets for the project. Of course he'd be thinking of her. Sobbing. Screaming. I hate myself.

[Donnie smells Leo on Vi] "Really pisses me off,” he grumbles

Again, why does it make him mad that Vi smells like Leo?

“Hm. I promised you a lesson on my anatomy. Considering I explored your genitalia, unintentional though the moment was, that does, as per our arrangement, clear you to touch mine.”

Arrangement. ARRANGEMENT. And the clinical discussion, of course. Naturally. No feelings, just a project, all part of the experiment.

“Experiential learning. Excellent. I knew you were the one.” 

The one. The one to choose as his partner on the project. Goddammit.

(God. The smut. It's so hot. I'm swimming in lava.)

“All right. Take off your pants and lie down. My turn.” 

Startled, you just blink at him for a moment. “W-What?” 

“Third Law. And I want to taste you. See if it’s different from mine. I’m very curious about the tactile nature, since it was quite pleasant on my fingers. Plus, you didn’t come. I’m not a barbarian. Now, chop chop.” 

Third Law. You did this so now I do that. It's a transaction. And he's curious about the taste and feel compared to his own. Data data data.

“…Very, very pleasant,” he murmurs to himself more than to you, 

Data. Notes. For his own future reference. Fuck.

“Only the best for my favorite turtle,” you promise, laughing and pulling away, spinning in place with your arms spread wide. “Now. Shall we work on the Turtolin while waiting for the smell of sex to dissipate? I’d rather not scar poor Leo if I can help it.”

Donnie looks like he’s contemplating something hard, but he pushes it away and nods. 

What is he thinking here? Does it have anything to do with Leo? Or the favorite turtle line?? UGH

[Vi sends Donnie a pic of her in the bath with the bath bomb he gave her and he calls] “Good girl,” he says easily, making your skin burn hot. “Now, I’m going to put you on speaker and listen as you make yourself come.”

Jaw dropping, you stutter, “R-Right now?”

Donnie hums. “Then send me another. One before. One after.”

You hear the soft click of him putting his phone down, and the familiar sound of him fiddling with his tech. ... “I’m waiting,” you hear him say.

This is SO PAINFUL now. FUCK.

---

Chapter 17

(My notes after this point include knowledge of chapter 22 aka the chapter that made me physically ill)

You find him [Donnie], as you expect, pouring over some spreadsheets. 

The spreadsheets again :(

[Vi talking to Raph and Mikey about Donnie] "You wouldn’t expect it. But he’s—he’s so kind. Always thinking about how he can help others, always looking to make their lives easier. It’s—It’s really admirable. I respect him a lot.”

Vi you're literally describing yourself.

“You had a problem. I solved it,” he says, like it’s that simple. And you suppose, in a way, it is. He just… doesn’t see it as his love language, even though it so, so clearly is. 

I feel like this is a nod towards Donnie actually being in love with Vi but not realizing it.

So. Leo shows up during turtle time.

“Actually, perfect timing,” Leo says, coming up to you and pulling you into a hug. “I have a present for you.” ... “Yep. C’mon, I’ll portal you back to your place so I can give it to you,” he says, making you look at Donnie, concerned he’s about to crack a tooth.

Even though we know he's not doing these things to be manipulative anymore (assuming we can actually trust that he was being honest about when he 'stopped completely'), it's still tainted, especially since it's in front of Donnie. The casual physical touches, calling her "hermosa." Not only am I reading this and feeling so fucking betrayed, but I'm ALSO sad because he's started feeling guilty and really truly seeing her as his best friend now (if, again, we believe his claims in 22), and the torment he must be going through, despite it being so, so deserved, makes me sad. Actually, sad isn't the right word for it, but the right word escapes me. Whatever it is that I'm feeling about this is gaping and tender and intense.

“The truth,” he says, taking the picture from you and putting it on the coffee table. “About us. About everything.” 

Not about everything, Leo. Not yet. (I think the word I'm looking for is agony. I'm not just sad. I'm in agony.)

[Vi talking to Leo] "So I just tucked it into one of those Leo will explain this someday pile.”

He stares at you for a second, then gets a melancholic smile on his face. “Yeah. That pile’s probably a lot bigger than it should be. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I told you before. It’s okay if you’re not ready to spill your guts,” you remind him. 

“That was true then. But now, you’re—” he stops himself, looking at you hard, his eyes unmoored on your face. “…It’s different. Now.” 

OOF. FUCKING. FUCK.

[Leo talking about the invasion] "Then one day, I—I fucked up really bad. I didn’t even know how bad, but I—” His voice chokes, grip on you going tight. He looks at you, eyes a little wild, and you nod. 

THIS IS A PARALLEL TO HIM FUCKING UP WITH VI. NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW BAD HE FUCKED UP UNTIL AFTER THE FACT.

And every time Vi responds so fucking kindly to something Leo says or does... at this point he's truly wracked with guilt. Every kind thing she does is another reminder of how badly he fucked up, another twist of the knife that he unknowingly lodged between his own ribs. For example: Leo stares, soaking you up like you’re water and he’s cracked earth; then, taking in a haggard breath, he continues.

And then Leo asks Vi to help Casey like she helped him and his brothers. And even here, when he's being genuine, that ask is tainted, tainted, tainted by his history of using her for his own desires.

“Thanks,” he says, true and honest in a manner that oh, this entire time, you haven’t really seen. 

God. GOD.

Vi asking Donnie about the aquarium... she doesn't use the word date. I wonder, if she did, would he have locked

There are going to be a lot of moments like that in your near future, you’re guessing, taking a long sip of water and staring at your reflection in the blank screen of the television. Little pieces you’ve seen, little hints of darkness you’re going to understand now.

Vi is referring to the fact that she knows about Casey being from the future and stuff, but this is mirroring what I'm doing. Finding little hints of darkness in Leo on my reread. God. Kill me.

---

Chapter 18

Vi gushing about Donnie to Sinclair :( and this line specifically -> "He just… gives and gives and gives.” THAT'S YOU, VI. YOU'RE SO ALIKE.

"He’s—brutally honest, but in a way that makes it impossible to doubt any compliment he gives."

Meanwhile LEO-

(I can barely focus. My heart aches so much. I keep having to reread the same paragraph over and over because I keep thinking about Leo. I really do feel so goddamn betrayed. How can Vi go on? How is she going to fucking... I've said it already but if it were me I would spiral really really bad. I was already worried about her before chapter 22. And now... I don't think Sam would do what I'm thinking of because surely there would be tags indicating that already due to their triggering nature, but I just know if it were me... I won't say it.)

Do you think, now that Donnie knows about the miscommunication, he'll go back and review their texts and his recordings to search for hints that he might've missed? Do you think he'll find something and think 'stupid, stupid, you should've seen it then, it was right there all along' like Vi did when she first realized?

I'm realizing, once again, how often Vi uses the adjective "stupid" to describe so many of her thoughts and actions. And I'm wondering, once again, how far back that habit runs. Whether it's always been there or if it started when she was with Alopex.

Oh man... when Vi gets ready for the aquarium... no. She doesn't think "I look nice" or anything. When she sees Donnie, she tells him he looks nice. Like a model, even. And he doesn't say anything about how she looks. I remember being a bit disappointed the first time I read and just assuming that he was too embarrassed or shy or something to comment on how she looked, but no. I'm a fool.

The alligators are so fucking cute, which he finds absolutely absurd. 

“I like their faces, I dunno,” you say with a shrug. “Look at those little snouts! Don’t you just wanna… smooch one?” 

“No, I can definitely say that I do not,” Donnie drones. “And I’m pretty concerned that you do.” 

“I mean, soft shelled turtles are pretty aggressive biters too, right?” you point out, tilting your head and looking at him a little coyly. “Seems to me you don’t mind me kissing one of those all the time.” 

Huffing, Donnie turns his face with a flustered scowl. “Th-That’s different!”

Just putting this section here. Just pointing out how he responds. I'm just casually in agony, right now.

[Vi talking after Donnie asks for permission to kiss her outside of the lab] "Okay. Well. Consider this my blank check of consent to any and all kissing. Inside the lab, outside of it, no matter how many people are around.”

“Hm. Well. Too many people will probably ruin the results. But I’ll take it under consideration,” he says. 

Another comment that I saw as referring to the experiment, yes, but that I also thought was him flirting. Me putting meaning into his words that isn't there. Fuck.

his mouth claiming you like you aren’t already all his

Because she's not. She not his. Kill me.

When they run into the old standmate, Donnie gets so fucking mad that the guy insulted Vi. Another thing that I interpreted as romantic that wasn't.

“I’m—not particularly sure how to do this [have sex] with our current arrangement,” he says breathlessly

Damn. Even the first time they have sex, he tried checking in, tried to honor the rule she set, referred to it as their "arrangement" and everything... he truly did nothing wrong. What a massive misunderstanding. This continues to blow my mind. Damn.

She calls him cute once again, and he doesn't say anything like that back.

(The sex is so FUCKING HOT GOOD GOD)

He asks her to stay. And she does. And she's realizing she's in love with him. And I'm so, so sad.

---

Chapter 19

[Vi talking to Casey about Leo] "He’s a really good friend. I feel lucky to know him,” you tell him

Every single line where Leo is referred to as her friend has the rage flaring in my chest again.

Oh my god. I've been interested in how the brothers are going to react if/when they find out what Leo admitted (especially Donnie, obviously), but... what is CASEY going to think? He admires Leo so much. Oh my god. Oh my GOD.

man hadn’t that morning sex the other day been something else? Let’s try it again and see if we can replicate it. So your Wednesday is even lazier than usual with just the one lesson after a long morning of Donnie seemingly testing just how well sound-proofed his lab is, or maybe how loud he can get you to whine his name when you come, you’re not really sure which.

Replicate. Test. Kill me kill me kill me

The first shot cracks through the air and makes your ears ring. Without thinking, you move. Your hands clutch Dakota’s shirt, throwing her off the stage to the pit where the gunman won’t have a clear view. A second shot goes off. Before she hits the floor, you’re moving, tackling the other three to the floor underneath you. A third shot.

Again, her instincts are to protect others first.

you see Raph pinning the guy to the floor, a look on his face like you’ve never seen before. 

Actually, you realize; no. You have seen it. Once. In your kitchen. From Leonardo to you. 

Rage.

FUCK. KILL ME.

(DAKOTA. MY FUCKING HEART. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK AND REREAD ALL THE DAKOTA PARTS AT SOME POINT WHEN WHATEVER SAM HAS PLANNED FOR HER HAPPENS/IS REVEALED.)

Even after almost being shot she wants to rehearse. Be productive. Sigh.

You’re a little surprised to feel that your hands feel jittery at the ends of your arms, a bit like you have too much energy inside still. Your hold on your bow is a little wonky, too.

WHAT YOU JUST EXPERIENCED WAS TRAUMATIZING. WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED. WHY DO YOU NOT SEE- HOW ARE YOU SO- Sorry I'm just. So protective of her. So frustrated that she doesn't care about herself like she should. She's in shock, huh? I'm being too harsh. I'm just so fucking angry because of how GOOD she is to others and how Leo fucking USED that. I can't fucking take it.

She's shaken up after being shot at... on the subway, looking forward to going to the lair -> Gazing past your reflection in the subway window, you watch the lights flash past in little warm blurs, and seek comfort in the knowledge that soon you’ll be with people who love you.

People who love you. Like Leo and Donnie. Pain pain pain. And when she finds Leo sleeping in his room, her softness for him, her fondness and affection... It hurts. It hurts.

She finds Donnie in his lab. I remember thinking it was weird he didn't react more strongly to the fact that she was literally shot at. He just says “I heard you had a fun afternoon,” and that's it. Honestly it still surprises me. I feel like we have seen him be protective over her for lesser incidents... remember the bruise? Remember the standmate? Why, I wonder, did he not react more strongly here? Is it because she wasn't actually shot?

He eases the tension headache she didn't even realize she had. (Vi, once again not realizing how affected she was. This mirrors her not realizing she was sick before, too.)

Turning your head when he slowly releases you, you see an ocean of spreadsheets in front of you that instantly has you looking away in disinterest before you can read a single word. 

I hate myself so much. What would she have seen, what would she have realized, if she looked a little bit closer?

“…No, I just… smelled you,” Leo says blankly, looking between you and where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around you, and you think—oh. He’s known this whole time, of course, that Donnie touches you; but this is maybe the first time he’s seen it. “You’re… really touching her.”

“I was under the impression you knew about it,” Donnie says, dropping his chin on your shoulder and raising a brow ridge at his twin.

“…I did,” Leo agrees, though his face is still as stone. His eyes focus on where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around your middle, and for some reason, the intensity of it makes you want to wiggle away and get out of Donnie’s grasp. ... Leo, eyes focused on where Donnie’s beak is tucked into your throat ... “I like it,” Leo says, staring at Donnie.

God. Leo. Still wrestling with his anger and jealousy, trying to be happy about it, but still struggling so much.

The Scheherazade story kind of mimics Leo and Vi. Scheherazade won the kings love over time, while Vi won Leo's true affection and friendship over time. Hm.

[Vi goes] to stand out of Donnie’s lap, only to turn to him and raise an eyebrow when he petulantly keeps you pinned to his plastron, his eyes dark and pouty on his twin. “…Donnie.” ... You bat your eyelashes cutely at Leo, who gets a smug look on his face as he stretches out a hand to the side. His crescents glow prettily, and with a curl of his fingers, he has a sword in his hand to cut a portal. “One ride on the turtle express for mi tesorito.” 

“Turtle ex—?!” Donnie chokes, his fingers going tight in your flesh, his teeth pulling into a snarl. It hurts a little, and you’re kind of mortified when the squeak you make is maybe a little more sensual than it probably should be. Feeling your cheeks flare hot, you press your palms to Donnie’s shoulders, giving him a meaningful look.

“I can come back tomorrow,” you say with gritted teeth, increasingly miffed when he just shoots a glum look to his twin.

Once again, even if Leo is being genuine, this is all tainted, and it fucking hurts to read every interaction they have, especially in front of Donnie. But I also noticed another layer here. Vi is trying to behave as though she and Donnie aren't dating because Leo is there and as far as Donnie is aware (in her mind) Leo knows they touch but doesn't know they're together. Meanwhile things that seem romantic to her are NOT romantic to Donnie, so he's being clingy and she is a little annoyed/confused, because she's thinking 'doesn't Donnie know this is suspicious??' But NO. HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. AT ALL.

“Fine, fine,” he [Donnie] says petulantly, removing his arms from your waist. 

“Good boy,” Leo says with a widening smirk, squawking when you reach out and flick his beak. 

“And you. I don’t know what your game is, but stop terrorizing him,” you tell him, watching as he rubs his palm over the offended flesh. 

“Me? Terrorizing Donatello?”

“Leonardo.”

This is after Leo supposedly 'stopped completely' and yet.

“He [Casey] has a lot of secrets he’s keeping,” Leo says, softening. “They’re a heavy load. I don’t know how he does it.”

Secrets can be a heavy load, huh Leo? You FUCKING-

Leo sighs, grabbing his katana and cutting another portal back to the lair. Before he leaves, however, he beckons you close. Reluctantly, feeling a bit embarrassed and hoping your lingering arousal isn’t too obvious, you go; only to blink when he reaches out a hand and grabs your chin, bringing your face close to his as his eyes drop to your mouth. 

“…Yep. Thought so. Doesn’t take much to get you going, huh,” he says knowingly

Get your fucking hands off of her and shut your goddamn mouth. I'm so angry. I'm so fucking angry. I've never been this angry in my life. Yes he feels bad. Yes he's suffering now, yes he's going to get consequences that fucking hurt him. But I don't even fucking care right now because I'm so, so angry. What is everyone else going to say? Will Leo even tell them?? I don't know if Vi would tell the fam what Leo did, because she doesn't like causing conflict. But someone needs to tell them. God. What is Donnie going to do, knowing that she's already distraught because of their miscommunication?

Vi talking to Casey, getting him to open up about the future. Taking responsibility for helping him. Even though it's upsetting. Yes, that's what real, good friends do, but it's just another example of her giving, giving, giving. How deeply she cares, how sincerely she loves those in her life, how she would willingly burn herself up for the people she loves to keep them warm. And the fact that she's taking on this burden after LEO had asked her to...

(The lavender mask thing hurts just as much the second time. Ouch.)

[Casey talking] “Apparently, you always were able to get him to do things. I remember Master Leonardo making a comment about it once when he was trying to get Uncle Tello to do something. You’d do it for her, or something.”

You wince. That couldn’t have gone over well.

I can only imagine future Leo saying that with bitterness. Was there jealousy in the other timeline, too? It's easy to imagine since we know what Leo is capable of, now. Easy to imagine a future Leo, run down and exhausted and bearing so much responsibility for the resistance and guilt over the apocalypse, letting it all build and build and build, letting it get to him after Vi's death, even if he loved her too, even if he was grieving too, and being so angry over Donnie refusing to do something, and losing his cool. 'You'd do it for her. Why won't you do it for me?'

I wonder how Donnie would have reacted if Vi HAD told him about what happened with future them. About the lavender mask.

[Vi's bath water] It’s hot when you get in; too hot, maybe. But the burn feels a little good. Tethers you into place where otherwise you worry you’d drift away to a future that isn’t yours. 

See, again, this worries me. Using pain as a grounding technique, almost. This is pretty innocent, but it hints at the POTENTIAL for going further with this kind of stuff. I do nothing but seethe and worry.

---

Chapter 20

Finally made it all the way here. Sigh. Let's read.

you find yourself drifting off at random moments, haunted by memories that aren’t even yours ... for some reason, you spend most of Friday night sobbing into your pillow ... you spend the morning in your bed, curled around your pillow and staring numbly at the wall ... you’re avoiding Donnie

Vi takes the knowledge Casey gave her so hard. Evidence, once again, of how deeply she cares, how strongly she loves, but I can't help but remember that LEO asked her to help Casey. And she honestly probably would've ended up doing it anyway at some point, even if Leo didn't explicitly ask her to, because that's just how she is and Casey is part of the family and she wants to help... but I can't help pairing her emotional turmoil with the fact that LEO asked her to take that on.

“Donnie said you wasn’t feelin’ good, but you look like shit,” he says, causing you to shoot him a wry smile.

“Thanks, Raph. I feel so beautiful now.” 

Raph shoots you a meaningful look. “I think you ‘nd I both know I ain’t the one you wanna hear that from.” 

...

“Raph ain’t mad. I’ve been Donnie’s brother for a long, long time. I know he can be a dumb dumb, sometimes.”

Everyone (I think) sees that Donnie loves her EXCEPT Donnie. Raph says he saw Donnie grab Vi at the party... do you think, when Raph finds out about the miscommunication, he might realize that Donnie doesn't understand his feelings and try to help him figure it out?

💜🐢 (6:16 p.m.)

Raph said you looked unwell today. Do I need to send Leo over to bring you to the lair tonight?

A tempting offer that makes you bite your lower lip. You turn on the camera on your phone to check your face and see the bags under your eyes, the clear exhaustion, and something else that makes you just look… sad.

sent (6:17 p.m.)

no, but thank you for offering! it’s really sweet of you.

I'm begging you to accept some comfort. I'm begging. She so easily brushes him off so she can hide how she's feeling. Please, man, she needs to be loved.

[Vi talking] "Thanks, Casey. You’re the best, and I owe you.” 

“Nah. People always look after each other,” Casey says easily, and you suppose that coming from an apocalypse-torn world forces that outlook on you pretty bone-deep. 

She's right, but also... I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts about this. Something about her always feeling like she OWES people for the things they do for her. Like she has to earn their kindness, always pay it back, nothing comes for free, not for you... she doesn't have that mentality regarding anyone else. Like, she doesn't expect others to earn her kindness, she doesn't expect any kind of payback or anything when she does something kind or helpful - that mindset only applies when she's the one getting something. It has me wondering, again, about the details of her past. Alopex, yes, but also with her family. Was it pounded into her head that she isn't enough, that she isn't worthy of kindness and help unless she does something useful or tangible in return? Or is this, once again, me reading too much into things and possibly projecting?

Mikey, we’re your brothers. It would make sense for us to go.

It just occurred to me that Donnie uses italics in the group chat. You can't do that in regular text chains, right? Is this like a discord-type situation? Or is it because they're all using phones (most likely) made by Donnie and he somehow added that feature? (This is so not important, I know, I know, but I'm curious okay?)

Every single use of tesorito and hermosa stabs me directly in the heart.

“You look like shit,” you hear a familiar voice call, and you look up to see Leo sitting in a fire escape, legs hanging and his arms resting against the metal. Elegantly, he drops to the asphalt, walking up to you and taking your chin in his hands, tilting your face for his examination. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” you agree, causing him to grin. “Thanks for this, by the way. I really appreciate it.”

“You don’t ask for much. And even if you did, I like showing off for pretty girls,” he flairs. 

Fury. Even now, when he's supposedly being genuine with her, I'm so angry. He even says she doesn't ask for much. He knows how much she gives, how little she takes. How much she cares. The work she puts in for others. You know the (Did you try?) that Vi has in 21? I wonder... ever since he started to really think about 'what he wants' did he have similar thoughts? A constant (Is this worth it? Is this the person you want to be? Now that you see her heart, her soul, are you really okay with being this kind of person?) - or even, as we get further and further into the fic, something like (How could you? How could you? How could you?)

“Best friend ever,” you compliment

Does he feel guilty when she says stuff like this, now? (How could you?)

Oh I forgot that Vi told Leo what Casey revealed to her about the future. Again, does Leo feel guilty? Seeing that Vi was so affected by that knowledge? Knowing that he asked her to talk to Casey, so it's kind of because of him? "I haven’t felt right in days" she says.

"I hate secrets" [Vi says] ... “…Can I ask you something?” he says after a moment of studying your face. It’s a curiously serious expression ... “Why Donnie?” ... "You’re beautiful. Funny. Have a good job. Easy to like. You could have most anyone you want. Any mutant would kill to have someone like you as a partner. So. Why Donnie?” ... It feels, a little, like that day he’d frightened you. A softer, friendlier version of it.

Yeah. Because it is. Leo doesn't hate her anymore, and she picks up on the difference even though she doesn't understand why.

[Vi talking about Donnie] he’s got this—compulsion, almost. To take care of people. He works on his tech so hard so he can be useful. He’s always texting me about not staying up too late. Getting enough sleep. Did I eat lunch. Don’t overwork myself. Take a break. He even got me to take a few days off, just to relax, and I’ve never done that before. Even though he never turns those thoughts in on himself

HE'S JUST LIKE YOU. SCREAMING THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS. RATTLING HER. SO MANY THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT DONNIE APPLY TO YOU AS WELL.

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask." ... I like him. All of him. Even if I’d never been able to touch him. It would have been him.”

Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something

Yeah. I can definitely see how this would make Leo really struggle to keep it a secret.

He portals you to just outside Donnie’s lab, and with another flash of blue, he’s gone.

The difference here, with him not even going in with her to see Donnie. Him just portaling her to the entrance and then going off... I can just imagine him spending a long time in his room thinking. Thinking thinking thinking about what he should do, after her speech.

Hearing your footsteps, Donnie turns his head, doing a double-take when he sees you, standing out of his chair and coming to stand in front of you with an anxious energy that makes you feel guilty all over again. 

“You’re here,” he says, and you nod, dropping your bag to the floor and leaning into him. Instantly his arms wrap around you, tight enough to crush the air out of you. 

Come ON. HE LOVES HER. HE NEEDS HER. COME ON.

What are you supposed to do? Sob into his arms about how you’d avoided something terrible? Him? The man who couldn’t even touch his family for years and years and years because of the awful things he’s gone through? The man who goes out onto the streets and keeps people like you safe? Why do you get to cry, and he doesn’t?

Her line of thinking here - that 'my issues aren't as serious, they don't matter, I shouldn't seek comfort, especially not from someone who does so much already' - just. No, Vi. I almost wish she would've told Donnie what she was thinking. Someone needs to help her.

(The sex is so fucking hot. I say that every time but only because it's true every time.)

He’s saying something; his mouth is moving but you’re too fuzzy to think, too lost to hear. 

God. I wonder what he said, here.

Every time she says something or thinks something about how beautiful he is, it reminds me that he hasn't said she is beautiful even once.

“I was hoping to get my mouth on your breasts again. You always make interesting noises when I do.” 

So clinical :( and then more and more until she realizes. I'm not going to put the whole thing, but God. God. It's so painful... acoustics, data, sensors, recordings, sessions, partner, spreadsheets...

“The differential in touch inhibition,” he says shortly, like you’re the one not making sense. “I’m actually quite pleased with our progress. I was listening to one of the recordings the other day, and—”

...

“I record everything,” he says, smiling proudly.

...

"This whole time. Have you just been… experimenting with your touch thing?”

Donnie tilts his head. “What else would we be doing?

God, it kills me that he just. Doesn't know. Doesn't understand. And it's not his fault even a little bit. How would he have known otherwise? Honestly? In my reread I didn't find anything he did wrong with the information he thought he had. Unless you count the 4th party, but even then it would be him not following the experiment protocol. It's still not him being malicious in any way (that I know of).

Sheets that smell like a stupid, stupid girl who put her own wishes into someone else’s words yet again.

That's another reference to Alopex, right? Cannot wait to find out more about that relationship.

If Donnie says anything, you don’t hear it.

I wonder if he said anything here. Was he still talking to her, trying to figure out what was wrong? Or watching her in confused, shocked silence? I don't know which is worse.

(It's so painful. It's so fucking painful to read her reaction.)

Tucking your knees to your chest, you sit under the water’s foray, letting it wash over you. On and on and on the little drops hit your skin. They hurt from their fire. On and on and on and on. They hurt from their ice. On and on and on and on. 

Again. Letting herself be hurt. I'm worried.

Then Leo. Covering her with a blanket and holding her. (Does he feel guilty? How could you?)

You pathetic thing, you think derisively, loathing the person you’d become once again.

Another nod to something like this happening with Alopex. Also, the self-hate. I worry worry worry.

Leo is there to see her fall apart. To fully see how the miscommunication with Donnie affected her. I'm worried that, if there's a blowout between him and Donnie, Leo will use his knowledge of how utterly destroyed Vi was against Donnie during the argument.

“What happened?” he asks, because of course he came without knowing, of course he’d seek to solve before he even knew the shape of the problem. Leo, the quiet leader, always watching, always knowing, always helping. So, so grateful for him, you sink your teeth into your lower lip hard and clutch your biceps hard enough to bleed.

"Always helping" and "so grateful for him" make my chest ache. She thinks of him so, so positively and fondly - the betrayal is so deep.

---

What a fucking roller coaster.

My conclusions: Sam is a genius. I'm a goddamn fool. I'm REALLY worried for Vi. I feel so so so bad for Donnie (looking back, I was so confused and angry with him... and it wasn't his fault. It really wasn't and I can't believe I was so blinded by my own biases that I couldn't fathom him not understanding... I owe him such an apology). I'm so goddamn angry with Leo I'm physically sick with it, but my heart aches for pretty much everyone, including Leo. And, once again, Sam is a genius.

[kooldewd123]

My New Year's resolution this year was to read more. I'm sure a lot of people around here can relate to this, but I was a massive reader as a child who started to fall off as I grew up. I barely read anything new at all throughout college and the latter half of high school. At the start of this year, I was suddenly hit with a massive urge to try and return to my roots again, and for probably the first time ever, I suddenly had a New Year's resolution I actually intended to follow through on. Still, I knew that my attention issues would make this hard for me unless I gave myself some sort of structure.

Enter Animorphs. Not only was this a beloved series from my childhood that I had been wanting to revisit for a long time, but it happened to fill my needs perfectly: with 54 mainline books total, I could easily pace myself at a book a week, and with each book only taking about an hour or so to read, it would be a nice, low-commitment way to ease myself back in. And for an added kick in the pants, I started a reread thread to hold myself accountable to.

Although revisiting the series that genuinely shaped me into the person I am today has been a magical experience, it was never the main goal. My hope in starting this project was that by weaning myself back in with a weekly diet of quick, digestible books, I would get myself back into the proper headspace of wanting to read more often. And now that we're nearly at the halfway point of the year, I'm so glad to be able to say:

It fucking worked.

Not counting Animorphs, I've read more books this year than I have since... probably middle school. And it's not just me going over the collection on my bookshelf, either - most of them have been entirely brand new to me, some of which I hadn't even heard of until I grabbed them off the bookstore shelf and thought "huh, that sounds neat." It's really thrown me back to childhood experiences and overall been a fantastic refresh of my mental state after stagnating a bit in some of my media-consumption habits. This has been a much longer preamble than I anticipated, but I wanted to make this post to go over the books I've read so far this year and some of my thoughts on them! So here we go, in no particular order:

Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan: This is the reason I said "most" of the books I read this year were new. The Riordanverse is my second favorite book series after Animorphs, and I've also been meaning to reread it at some point as well. The Disney+ series earlier this year really gave me a strong urge to revisit the books, but I wanted to wait until after the show was over so it didn't skew my expectations too much. And, yeah. It's been just as great a series as I remember. I've only finished up through Battle of the Labyrinth so far, but I want to go through the whole Riordanverse eventually. HoO are some of my most-read books ever, and ToA has been itching at the back of my mind for months. The Kane Chronicles and Magnus Chase never captured my interest as well as the Greco-Roman stuff, but I'm excited to take another look at them and see if my feelings have changed.

Loki's Ring by Stina Leicht: A space captain travels to a mysterious pathogen-infected planet to save her AI daughter... is what the blurb on the back of the book says. Truthfully, I think the marketing on this one is a bit misleading. I picked it up expecting to get a sci-fi mystery thriller set on a spooky planet, but what I got instead was a more political piece about the crew trying to negotiate between all the different parties laying claim to the planet. It's not a bad book by any means, but just not something that appealed to me personally and I couldn't help but feel a bit burned by the description.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman: I've heard a lot about Gaiman's work, and about this book especially, so this was one of the books I was most excited to start reading. And there was a lot I enjoyed here: Shadow was an interesting protagonist, I loved this take on modern gods, and Gaiman's interpretation of Americana as a concept was fascinating. But for some reason... I dunno, this one was just a slog to get through for me, despite how much I felt like I should have loved it. I hate to admit it after how highly I've heard him recommended, but I think Gaiman's writing style might just not be my thing. I'd be willing to give him another shot if I was in the right mood (the idea of checking out Sandman has crossed my mind a couple of times), but sad to say I probably won't be delving into his works like I was hoping to. One of the biggest disappointments I've had with a piece of media in a long time.

Eye of the Sh*t Storm (The Frost Files #3) by Jackson Ford: Now this one was a surprise in the complete opposite direction. I grabbed this one on a whim, completely missing the fact that it was the third book in a series. The Frost Files follows the adventures of Teagan Frost, a reluctant government agent working in Los Angeles with psychokinetic abilities (or as the book puts it, the ability to move sh*t with her mind). The opening to this book nearly lost me, leaning into some drug humor that's not really my taste, but what followed was a frantically fun adventure with zany humor, strong tensions, and characters that bounced off each other perfectly. I was sold on the series pretty quickly, but by the time I decided I wanted to read the other books, I was already too invested in this one to stop. I have the first book ready on my shelf to read at some point, but I need to search some local bookstores for #2 and #4 first so I can read the whole thing straight through.

The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins: Can you believe I've never actually read these books before? For some reason, my mom took a super hard stance against these books in particular and never let me read them, and when my dad told me she was being stupid and gave me the entire trilogy himself, I just... put them on my bookshelf and never actually got around to reading them. I admit I was a bit worried going in. I don't often enjoy romance in stories, especially since figuring out I'm aro, and these books have a reputation for kickstarting the entirely overdone dystopian YA love triangle trope. I was very pleasantly surprised, then, that the romance wasn't actually as major a part of the story as I expected, and the extent to which it was used was entirely in service of the story's themes and message. In that vein, one of the most interesting parts of these books to me was being able to see the origin point of so many tropes of the genre. It's clear why this trilogy is a masterpiece, and finally being able to take it all in illuminated all the ways that Collins inspired the YA writers that came after her. Katniss is a remarkable protagonist, and the story resonated in ways that are even clearer to me now than they would have been to me if I had read it back then. I feel like I got a surprising amount out of these books. I downloaded the movies to compare, but never worked up the motivation to actually start watching them.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury: At one point, I decided to try and go back to some books I read in school to see what I would get out of them now that I'm more educated on the subject matter they're tackling. I was actually looking for 1984, but couldn't find it (I guess Barnes & Noble must have gotten rid of those look-up computers during COVID or something so I was basically just wandering around blindly trying to figure it out myself) and ended up with Fahrenheit 451 instead. So how did I feel about this one? Weirdly ambivalent. Censorship and the preservation of information are two of the issues I'm most concerned with in the world today, but for some reason this book just did absolutely nothing for me and I can't really say why. Nothing about it really stuck in my brain the way I expected it to. I did eventually find 1984 and Animal Farm, so hopefully those ones give me more to think about. I actually never even read Animal Farm in school, so that'll be a new one for me.

The Arc of a Scythe Trilogy by Neal Shusterman: I'd heard this trilogy come up a couple of times before as the big new YA series. For the uninitiated, these books take place in a utopian future where all of humanity's problems have been solved: crime, poverty, corruption, racism, disease, even death itself. The only arbiters of death left in the world are Scythes, an order tasked with taking the lives of others in order to maintain the value of life and curb overpopulation. And let me tell you, this series is absolutely a new favorite of mine. I brought these with me on a road trip and chewed through Thunderhead, The Toll, and Gleanings on the bus in a way I didn't even realize I was capable of anymore. The world is well fleshed out in an incredibly elegant way, with boundaries loose enough to provide for amazing twists yet firm enough to still provide stakes. The differing philosophies the Scythes each have on death and duty in a post-mortal world are an absolute delight to see unfold. And the story plays its cards excellently, slipping in details at just the right moment for them to slide under your radar before suddenly exploding into prominence. Thunderhead and The Toll in particular use the medium of text in much more interesting ways than anything else I've read recently, leading to some amazing scenes I couldn't stop myself from flipping back to and reading all over again. I'm gonna be thinking about this series for a long time, and I really hope we get another companion book like Gleanings as an excuse to take another plunge back into this world.

Lore by Alexandra Bracken: Every seven years, the Olympian gods are turned mortal for a single week, and anyone who manages to kill them takes their power. if i had a nickel for every book on this list about gods in the modern world- I haven't really gotten that far in this book so far, so it's only here as an honorable mention. It hasn't hooked me yet, but I feel like I'm only just starting to get out of the intro section and into the action, so there's plenty of time still left for it to pick up. Plus, I got distracted with life stuff and couldn't give it my full focus for a while, so I'm probably not giving it as fair a chance as I should.

It's been fun reading them, it's been fun talking about them, and here's hoping I can keep having fun with them in the future.