#I just figure out wtf IS the issue
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nvm nell is back at the drawing board
think I finally figured out Jiahao’s relationship!
jia x cas x gabe | as in Cas is dating both Jia + Gabe but Gabe and Jia aren’t dating each other. They have a situationship lmao.
#for those who wanna know#I’ve been having issues defining/understanding jia + gabe’s relationship. Like a lot#first I though the issue was attraction#ie is jia attracted to m!gabe#since I already knew jia liked f!cas#I considered restarting with f!gabe (I’m gonna use gabbie from here on out for f!gabe) and seeing how that runs#but the flagstone cove fighting ring chapter convinced me otherwise#because he’d date Remus in half a heartbeat#so maybe gabe’s just not jia's style <- you say#but the problem is: gabe/gabbie wouldnt be jia’s style but she likes them anyway#so clearly the issue isn’t attraction#I just figure out wtf IS the issue#and whether or not I wanna solve it#if you read this far#thanks 👌#I’m so tired of this <- translation: I love this and it’s keeping my brain active and happy
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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new symptom acquired! 👍
#for the last few hours whenever im upright im dizzy. not like just immediately after standing it lasts til i lay down again#so thats just one more thing to worry about#i was gonna go to the clinic tmrw anyways to try to figure out wtf is happening with my weeks long abdominal pain issue#but jesus christ man can i go a Week without something new coming up#medical
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Revelation: my whole life, when I've responded to sarcasm seriously, people have been like "uh...why you so serious... I was being sarcastic..." and it makes me insane because like... duh? Why am I not allowed to respond to sarcasm seriously? Why does it have to be treated as hOw DiD yOu MiSs ThAt I wAs KiDdInG? Basically: why is it framed as me failing when I absolutely knew it was sarcasm?
Anyway, this just happened with my wife (no shade, it's very rare with her as compared to like, my uncle, and I told her it made me uncomfortable, we're good, it was just the spur to the revelation) and I think I've realized why it happens and why it bothers me so much.
It's always framed as me missing something, but it's not.
I knew they were being sarcastic, and I chose to respond seriously.
THEY failed to interpret MY response.
Or: damn boy (genderneutral) sorry my Yes, And game is just SO FUCKIN SUPERIOR yall should work on recognizing deadpan. Skill issue.
#unforth rambles#ive always blamed myself for this like i was missing a social cue for making it clear that i was riffing#or that i was choosing to answer seriously instead of laughing or whatever the fuck they expected me to do instead of what i did#my uncle used to frequently make me feel like shit about this to the point that i just stopped acknolwedging his sarcasm at all#but having the exchange with my wife who its usually not an issue with#helped me recognizr that what really happened just now was#she made a joke and i made a bid to yes and that joke#because also i would be fine with a pink roof actually#and she just completely missed the big#er the bid#this has never been my skill issue#it is the skill issue of the other person#im feeling extremely vindicated right now for the lifetime of people whove made me feel like shit over this common type of exchange#next time someone does this to me imma just stare them down and say skill issue and let them figure out wtf i mean 🤣
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Can I be honest here. Finally accepting that I am an introject both explained so much and has been very healing for me. Like after being in denial for 5+ years finally just going "ok fine yeah maybe I am JD from heathers the musical" was like taking a massive weight off my shoulders. Me when I finally accept myself!!!!!! 🐬🌈✨
#herbert speaks#it also just explained a lot#like “why do i have not real memories of dying in an explosion that are distressing to me” (pointing at myself) YOU ARE JD!!!!#“why do i have such an obsession with 711 and slushies?” YOU ARE JD!!!!!!#i still want to fakeclaim myself real bad but im working on it 💪💪#the source memories became so much less distressing when i finally figured out what my issue is. like “ohhh its just source stuff i see now”#finally accepting myself and learning to live with everything!! 🐬🌈���🐬🌈✨#kinda funny bcs I Am the Core too. like hey guys im the original person born in this body. im also JD from heathers the musical.#which means i can make jokes abt how if i wasnt a system id be a JD kinnie singlet 💀 terrifying thought tbh i cant imagine not being a sys#like what would i even do as a singlet. i would just be One Guy. what would i even do. i straight up cant even imagine that#cause even before i knew i was a system weird shit kept happening. like blacking out n when i come back my friends call me hawkstar now.#or like blinking and 4 days had passed and i couldnt tell u a single thing that happened in that time#the amnesia was badddd shoutout to system acceptance and knowledge being more available online bcs imagine if i never knew why this happened#imagine if i never figured out what a system was or found ways to communicate with my system or broke down amnesia barriers. .(shudders)#thats like. the evil timeline. where i never figure out wtf is happening to me#UGH I HAVE TO GO TO WORK NOW AND SEE MY SHITTY COWORKER that fucking SUCKS
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i hate insurance companie
#on the phone for two hours trying to get Sex Vs Gender sorted out bc at work we are allowed and even encouraged to self identify & they only#ask for gender not sex. but the insurance company pulls what *they* use for your sex as what you have listed as your *gender* at work#which is a Fucking Issue bc theyre NOT THE SAME & i might need my sex set as female for insurance to. u know. actually cover my top surgery#& hysterectomy *which im getting bc im transmasc* but they dont know if i can actually have that changed independently so even tho im#SUPPOSEDLY able to self identify i might not actually be able to in order to get insurance to cover procedures THAT ARE LITERALLY RELATED TO#ME BEING TRANS. and the best part is i dont even. have myself listed as male. i set it to do not disclose!! so the insurance company#apparently just saw that and DEFAULTED TO MALE?????#so now theyre looking into whether or not it will Actually cause any issues with coverage/if they even take sex into consideration when#determining whether the procedures would be approved/denied & if they dont then i get to just leave it as is. which is best case scenario#but otherwise i gotta figure out wtf im supposed to do bc i DONT want to set my gender as female at work#like i guess WORST CASE i set it as female for now (bc they do let u change it at least lmao) & then just change it back after but i#shouldnt have to do that!!! & like its not really my employers fault bc they are *trying* to be like accommodating of trans shit its just#that the insurance companys system like. interprets that information in a different way i guess?? & like they do COVER trans healthcare but#they dont really have any way in THEIR system to distinguish between sex & gender. & my employer only asks for gender. so its A Whole Mess
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jiaoqiu is a homeopathic healer and homeopathy is ultimately a pseudoscience so there’s a big subset of people who will think he’s just a glorified dietitian and he’s big upsetti spaghetti about it bc he’s a healer goddammit
#notice how he has never claimed to be a doctor in this essay i will—#jiaoqiu#might be stating the obvious But it took me way too long to figure out wtf the dynamic is here#i need to learn to stop justifying my every post and just fucking post it jesus#jiaoqiu will the chili peppers help w this issue
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apologies for not being around much, i truly havent had much down time or energy lately and sims stuff has been on the back burner :’( hoping i can come back in full force after the holidays. i miss you all and i want to shove all your wonderful posts into my chest and hug them tight mwah
#to say the last month and a half has been the worst of my life is an under statement ;-;#after i got covid i started having a ton of random health issues#about two days ago i went to the er because i had chest pain and long story short had a blood clot scare and now i’m just chilling#until we figure out wtf is going on. lol#and on top of that my personal life is just not great and my mental health has declined and yada yada!#but it’s the most wonderful time of the year huh!#your pal is truly struggling but we must go on. though most days i want to rot in bed ;-;#ok damn sorry for the depression dump. will be back when my energy comes back from war. love u#nonsims#delete later#ps pls don’t forget take care of yourself :’)
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#i saw the tv glow#“fuck do i want to go on T? am i binary trans masc wtf”#“my bpd causes way to many idenity issues to figure that out yet. do i actually want to be a man or a concept”#“but thats what tara was saying. she was mentaly ill and just did it and felt better”#“yeah but still i dont feel ok doing that yet. i could be that guy who brushes cats with his beard is not the same as being binary trans”#“and you could be suffocating under ground right now”
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what if i did retail therapy
what if i did so much retail therapy
#in my defense a) i can't afford proper therapy my insurance doesn't cover it and#b) i'm on accutane and my skin is so hecked up and i'm still figuring out how to take care of it#and idk if it's that or the ~s t r e s s~#activating my dermatitis issues#me when i don't have any concept of how stressed i am while my body is screaming wtf#also the dog i'm dogsitting (stress!) ate one of my headphones#i hate skincare and makeup like yes the whole social stigma stuff sucks#but also like with any health and body related stuff IT'S SO SPECIFIC#BUT IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE TO JUST TRY STUFF UNTIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT#dark beauty youtube give me SOMETHING
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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got told by a whole doctor the health issue i likely have thats causing my constant abnormal levels of fatigue and i still catch myself going "im probably just being dramatic"
#MF!!!! YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH B L O O D !!!!!!!#caved and dropped a class because 1. i am not interested in the material at all 2. i would much rather focus on finding a primary healthcar#provider & finally addressing the health issues ive just been muscling through for aaages while im still young instead of forcing myself to#idk struggle to focus on classwork due to said unaddressed health issues to work towards a degree idfk what im gonna do with#im not gonna drop out of college ENTIRELY but i am. going to focus.....right now.....I think. on 1. getting my physical + mental health to#better place and also 2. finding a full/part time job w way more hours than my current job. so i can make some MONEY while i figure out wtf#i wanna do with the rest of my life#this is reasonable THIS IS REASONABLE!!!! this is reasonable................i will not let capitalism & the expectation of what young#adulthood SHOULD look like consume me#addressing health issues & getting a job feel very. very reasonable I'll worry about the whole career thing when i am not so. fucking.#spaced all the time!!!!!!!#cowboy posts
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good news: did basic self care task and cleaned a tiny bit
bad news: i now feel like my muscles are withering away and have absolutely zero spoons
time to curl up in bed for the rest of the day 😭
#i at least got a LITTLE bit of progress done on my writing before i decided it was a good idea to do A Task so i didn't ruin my streak oawie#i can't fathom how people can do so much in a day aoiewfjoai i literally just did like 15 minutes of minor things and i'm OUT.#maybe one day i'll figure out wtf is wrong w me aoiejfa#like i'm like. 90% sure it's chronic fatigue or some kind of thyroid issue? but i hate doctors 😔#getting them to do anything but tell me to lose weight is a fucking feat that i just don't have it in me to do aoifejaoi#bitch i MISSSSS working out! i just don't have it in me 😭 i am so tired and sore all the time#and ik it's partially bc of inactivity but also it's not just that bc i BECAME inactive due to pain/low energy! but telling a doctor that..#it's like talking to a fucking wall. they see a fat person and just stop losing their ability to practice medicine#*dykeposting#negative
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i forgot to give alma her tattoo on her sprites oh my fucking god---
#mun chitters#I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH THESE SPRITES THIS IS JUST MAKING IT WORSE ARRRG#i can fix this at least i'm still struggling to really figure out wtf is wrong with almas sprites that make me hate them so much other than#the fact i 100% have to redo her eye entirely
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decided to finally start transferring some of my shitty fanfiction pitches that i've been tossing at friends or into my tiny notebook onto my master doc (which i haven't touched since like, mid-may apparently), only to discover that i??? can't seem to edit gdocs on my laptop for some reason???? like it won't recognize any keyboard inputs, including ctrl+c/ctrl+v???
and i'm like "okay fine let's see if it works on a different acct" so i open up the doc to anyone w/the link n am abt to switch to one of my other accts, but half of them are like signed out, so i'm like "whatever" n go to sign in, but it repeatedly tells me that sign-in has failed w/o even letting me try typing in a password????
so i'm like "ugh fine whatever" and i turn off the vpn i got like two days ago to see if THAT does anything (it doesn't) and so i start googling the problem, trying various things, but all of them are like "oh yeah use google chrome for this" or "on your chromebook" or "install this google chrome extension!" and i'm like!!!!
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK. YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*screams into pillow*
i'm going to rip google to shreds with my own HAND-FILED SHARPENED TEETH at this rate
#i can edit it just fine on my phone which makes it all even stranger#and i can edit google SHEETS just fine too!!!!!!!!!!! it's literally just????#i checked my firefox settings to see if i have like idk permissions turned off for google sheets to sense keyboard input!!! idfk!!!!#anyway i had a setting that would automatically search a page when typing that i've been meaning to like#figure out wtf was up with n turn off for like. a long time now (lol) so i turned that off#still didn't fix the gdocs issue so like. BITING THEM AND BITING THEM AND BITING THEM AND BITING THEM.....#in case you guys are wondering why i haven't touched gdocs since may apparently it's bc i write using scrivener these days#but my shitty fanfiction pitches doc has been a pinned tab on my browser since like the start of 2016#that tab is like my long term boyfriend or some shit at this point i can't abandon it#and also if i lose it from failing to back it up i'd cry#花話
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goddd it feels so good when you finally find that part of the program that makes it all click together
#personal#the engineering chronicles#working on a keypad processor and i swear i shifted around my col = / row = / key = etc and break statements a million times and the Gasp i#gave when i reloaded it again and it finally worked <3#extra unexpected part of the confusion was the hardware in that i accidentally had two of the wires switched and it was like wtf why is this#getting stuck on the second column of all things it doesn’t make sense if it’s getting stuck anywhere it should be either the first or third#column. <- third as in just finishing out loop and staying at those last values vs first as in breaking from loop too soon. second made no#sense. but then it turned out it WAS getting stuck in the first column my wires were just crossed so the first column was getting assigned#to what was supposed to be the second column’s pin. and so on. pretty proud of myself for finally figuring it out actually#<- not the wires that was a stupid mistake LMAO but the code since even after i caught the wires there were issues
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